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unseededtoast · 8 months

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We'll Be Alright | Spencer Reid x F! Reader

Summary: In which you discover that the line between love and hate is quite fine. Your actions are done out of love, but they only make you hate yourself more and more. Inspired by "Fine Line" by Harry Styles

Cross posted on Wattpad and AO3 and here is my masterlist!

WC: 9.1k

Warnings: Angst, a lot of angst, pining, mention of Ed Gein, mention of blood, use of guns, that sorta thing

a/n: Back at it again with another Spencer Reid oneshot. I hope you all like it, I think this is one of my favorites so far.

"I could live with you hating me, but I couldn't live in a world without you."

With a smile on your face you listen to Spencer ramble on about how he put the pieces together to find the unsub while you two ride to the scene together. He speaks with such passion and you don't think you'll ever get tired of listening to him, his mind is a brilliant thing and you make sure to remind him every chance you get. You can tell that sometimes when he gets fired up about something he starts becoming insecure, fearing that the others will make some snide comment or dismiss his thoughts. But not you, you listen intently every time, hanging onto every word.

Spencer has played a very vital role in developing you into the analyst you are today. Where the others were satisfied with letting you learn on your own, and showing you pointers here and there, Spencer took the time to explain nuanced ideas to you. He showed genuine interest and care, and you gave him your undivided attention. This dynamic created a tight bond with the two of you, allowing you to work together seamlessly and at times, it's like you read each other's thoughts.

"I knew you could do it." You tell him as you pull onto the scene. He utters a thanks as the two of you get out of the car and join the rest of the team.

The unsub is nearby and the team is just waiting for him to show up; Garcia had been able to track his phone and his movement aligned with the area you and Spencer had narrowed down as the next area of interest. Hotch, Morgan, and Emily give you both a nod of acknowledgement and the five of you begin scouting out the area to look for any signs of the unsub, he should be here by now.

This particular unsub sent a chill down your spine, and not much gets to you anymore. His modus operandi was always to kill his victims, skin them, and use their flesh for various purposes. It's like he was trying to be Gein's prodigy, except he never dug up a grave, he preferred to kill them all himself. The team had found his workshop early in the investigation, but the unsub was nowhere to be found, until now. Seeing household objects made of flesh isn't going to soon leave your memory, you're sure of it.

"There he is!" Morgan yells and points to a man crossing the street with a paper bag in his hand. Everyone takes off in a sprint towards him and you pull your firearm from the holster strapped to your thigh. The unsub takes off, trying to evade you all.

Emily and Hotch split up from the rest of the team to try and cut him off up ahead, leaving you, Spencer, and Morgan trailing him. The little man is fast, you'll give him that much. Eventually, he ducks down an alleyway, unaware it's a dead end, and turns back to look at you all with wide, stunned eyes. You see the panic in his eyes and as Morgan shouts instructions at him, you see him reach inside of his jacket.

The unsub pulls a gun of his own and aims it right at Spencer. Your heartbeat echoes in your ears. Spencer puts his hands up in surrender while you and Morgan keep your sights trained on him.

"Put the guns down or I'll shoot him, I swear I'll do it, just like the others!" The unsub declares while switching the safety off of his gun. Your hands begin to shake with adrenaline, but you don't put your gun down. Faintly, you can hear Morgan informing Hotch and Emily of the situation via radio but it's like you have tunnel vision on the man in front of you.

"Do it now!" He screams erratically and you see his finger dance on the trigger, just about to pull it.

An internal battle wages itself inside your mind, trying to quickly assess the pros and cons of listening to the man. Just as you go to lower your gun, you see the man grin sickeningly at Spencer with an evil glint shining in his eye; you've seen that look before. Without thinking, you turn and knock Spencer out of the way just as you hear the shot go off. Spencer slams into the brick wall beside him, chest heaving with panicked breaths. Behind you, you can hear Morgan yelling something but his voice sounds miles away.

All you feel is a blinding, white-hot pain.

Blinking rapidly, you look down and see that your shirt is quickly becoming stained a deep scarlet red. Your heart is pumping at an alarming pace, you can feel your pulse in your neck. The red stain keeps growing but your mind can't comprehend what's going on. Large hands obscure the stain from your view, and you finally look up to see Spencer's hazel eyes, wide and afraid.

He gently brings your body to the ground, leaning you against the brick wall you had shoved him into. His hands apply pressure to the wound, sending a shockwave of pain through your entire body. It feels like you can't catch your breath, you fight for oxygen every few seconds and even that makes your body feel like you've just been set ablaze. The edges of your vision start going black, and you can't really see anything clearly anymore. Your mind is a jumble of incoherent thoughts that just sounds like static.

"Hey, hey look at me. Come on now. Stay with me. Please." You feel a tap on your cheek and your blurry vision can make out Spencer's form, his fingers coated in red. A wave of nausea and pain racks through your system, and you try to reach out for Spencer, but your arms are just too heavy, and words take too much effort. It's easier to just close your eyes.

-----

A constant beeping sound stirs you awake. You don't even remember falling asleep. Trying to open your eyes feels like an impossible task, like they've been bonded shut with super glue. Your throat feels like a desert, and you start to panic, not remembering where you are. Mental images of the unsub's flesh creations flash through your mind and you start panicking, thinking that somehow he got you.

The panic is enough to make your eyes open, and you're greeted with bright lights. Flinching, you squint your eyes and look around. This isn't the unsub's workshop, no, this looks like a hospital. Your eyes travel down your body, seeing lines embedded in your arms, a plastic piece clamped over your finger, and a large white bandage wrapped around your stomach. As if on cue, your stomach starts to burn like hot coals had just been placed there. An image of Spencer's hand covered in bright red flashes behind your eyelids.

A nurse walks through the doors and smiles when she catches your eye. She comes to your bedside and sets down an IV bag full of clear liquid.

"Glad to see you're finally awake. How do you feel?" She asks and you go to answer her, but your throat is too dry, so you just end up coughing. The nurse crosses your room and returns moments later with a plastic cup half full of water. Greedily, you take it from her and drink the water, a lone stream wandering down your chin. Once the cup is empty, you decide to finally answer her.

"Not great." You admit, trying to reposition but unable to do so because of the pain. The nurse nods as she hangs the new IV bag from the metal rack beside your bed.

"I imagine so. I'll give you something to dull the pain." She tells you, resting a gentle hand on your upper arm. Your eyes are glued to her hand and you nod, anticipating the relief of pain medication.

"What exactly happened?" You ask, only able to remember tiny bits and pieces. The image of Spencer's hand refuses to leave your mind but you just can't remember what happened before, or after, that moment. The nurse looks down to the bandage covering your torso.

"An ambulance brought you in last night. You got shot through the abdomen and had to be rushed into surgery. There was sustained damage to your liver and other intestines, but nothing life-threatening. You gave your coworkers quite the scare though, they didn't want to leave but we had to send them home." Her voice is soothing despite the words leaving her mouth, like she was used to delivering this sort of news. Which she probably is. You stare down at the bandage on your stomach, trying to remember anything else, but being unsuccessful.

"So when can I leave?" You ask, knowing that there's an incident report or two waiting for you on your desk. Truthfully, you'd rather do anything but those reports right now, seeing as how you can't even remember a major event, but you know the job doesn't allow for much downtime.

"Probably tomorrow or the next day depending on how well you're doing." She reassures you, and you can live with that. If the team wants the paperwork done that badly, they can bring it to you. Otherwise, you're perfectly content to stay here for a little while. The nurse exits the room, leaving you alone with your thoughts.

From what you can remember, Spencer was definitely there when you got shot. His hands were covered in your blood, that part you can vividly remember. Your heart sinks as you are able to recall the look in his eyes, how scared he was. You hope he doesn't blame himself for what happened, you know it isn't his fault even if you can't quite remember how it all went down. If the roles were reversed you can't even imagine the wreck you would be; the thought alone makes you sick.

-----

The next day your doctor clears you for discharge, and you call Hotch to come pick you up. You have no family to call to get you or take care of you, Hotch and the team are the closest thing you have. You had almost called Spencer, but decided against it because you're not sure if you're ready to see him just yet. Hotch's car pulls up to the curb and he hops out to help you in the car but you wave him off.

"I got shot I'm not immobile." You try to tease as you grimace, pulling yourself into the passenger seat. Hotch closes the door once you're in and quickly returns to the driver's seat. His hands grip the wheel tightly, his knuckles turning white. He starts the route back to your home without a word, but you can tell something is bothering him.

"What's up?" You break the silence, the curiosity of what he's thinking becoming too much. Hotch glances at you from the corner of his eye before training his eyes back on the road.

"You're off of field duty for the next few months. Technically, you should be on a leave of absence for a while but I know you won't abide by it. But, you have to promise me you won't overwork yourself. You got shot, you need to take care of yourself." His words come out slow and even, which contradicts his body language. There's something else going on, but you know him well enough to know he's not going to tell you.

"No field work, got it." You agree, knowing it's the best deal you're going to get. When another agent was shot on the job about a year ago, they made her stay out of the office for four months. You'd go crazy under those restrictions.

The two of you ride in silence until he pulls up outside of your quaint home. The lights are all off and the mail has gone unchecked. Dark clouds in the sky start emitting light sprinkles, likely to turn into a storm. With a sigh, you look to Hotch, whose eyes are already on you and you smile weakly at him, trying to mask the pain shooting up your spine.

"Thank you, Hotch." You say and open the door despite your body's protests.

"If you need anything, don't hesitate to call." He tells you with a father-like authority. You nod your head, knowing he means it.

"I will." You confirm and close the door. Hotch drives off and you check your overflowing mailbox before heading up the short stone walkway to your home. You're thankful for the stair railings as you have to pull yourself up each step to reach your front door. From what should be a simple, few-second task, it feels like you've run a marathon. The keys fumble around in your hands but you're able to unlock the door after a few attempts.

Your home is unusually dark and cold inside. The mail finds itself scattered across the dining room table and you go around turning on a lamp or two to bring some life back into the space. Clutching the back of your couch, you catch your breath and look down at your torso. With careful hands, you lift your shirt and look at the bandage. Thankfully it doesn't look like the stitches have broken, it's just a lot of pain. The doctor had given you two prescriptions to fill, but you probably won't go pick them up, you can't imagine how painful it would be to drive a car right now; moving your arms and legs, straining your abdomen. It's just not worth it in your mind. And you're surely not going to inconvenience anyone to pick it up for you, they probably couldn't anyways seeing as how one of them is a narcotic.

Instead of doing anything else, you go around and lay down on your couch, propping your head on a throw pillow and pulling the blanket draped over the back overtop of you. Thunder sounds off overhead, and you know the rain will put you to sleep if the pain doesn't do it first.

The plush material of the blanket soothes you somewhat, it definitely feels better than the hospital blankets. Thick raindrops start pelting the window situated on the wall perpendicular to the couch, giving you the perfect view through your sheer curtains. Your eyes droop as you watch the droplets race each other to the bottom but you don't want to sleep, it's pretty much all you've done the past two days.

While your eyes concentrate on the raindrops pelting the window your mind races with all the thoughts you've slept away in the hospital. Since first waking up, you've been able to recall most of what happened, the doctors told you it was a normal thing to experience, but it freaked you out as you just kept remembering what happened. You can hear Spencer's voice begging you to stay awake and you remember shoving him out of the way so he wouldn't be shot.

While the pain of being shot is like nothing you've experienced before, you know you'd do it all over again to save Spencer. And that terrifies you. It's for that reason you haven't contacted him yet, but you see the messages he's left on your phone, asking if you're okay and if he can do anything for you. If it had been him that got shot, and he didn't pull through, you know you'd crumble, you'd absolutely lose yourself. And that shakes you to your core. You knew you and Spencer were close, but you never realized just how deep your love for him runs.

Being shot made you understand that in this line of work it's not smart to form these personal ties, for reasons such as this. If the roles were reversed and he did die, you know you wouldn't be able to continue doing your job. It's been made abundantly obvious to you during your time on the BAU that these deep connections could pose a threat to your safety, and that's never been more clear to you than it is right now. It's precisely the reason you don't answer Spencer at all. You feel guilty, but you know it's better like this in the long run. You can't stomach the thought of him taking a bullet for you, so you have to distance yourself, for his safety.

-----

Five days later you decide to return to the office. You're feeling slightly better, the pain is still strikingly difficult to deal with, but you can't stand another day being cooped up in your house. Plus, you know there's at least one incident report waiting for you.

You leave early to give yourself enough time to get there, and you find out that you were right about driving, it definitely does not feel good. You reach the office later than you usually do, but you don't really care. The team isn't even expecting you for another two days, so there's no punctuality expectation. After you get out of your car and make your way across the parking lot you find that a pit of dread has taken residence in your stomach, right next to the aching pain; and you're nervous to walk through the doors that have become so familiar. But the elevator ride is too short for your comfort and you find yourself staring at those very doors before you're truly prepared.

With one hand lightly resting on your abdomen, you force yourself into the office, where everyone is busy with their daily duties. Maybe you can just slip in here without anyone noticing you. Your steps are drastically slower than normal, and you make it halfway to your desk before you hear someone calling out your name.

"What are you doing here? Thought you weren't supposed to be back until Monday." Morgan asks, tossing a file on top of his keyboard. You clear your throat and try your best to smile.

"Just couldn't stay away I guess." You say and finish the journey to your desk, feeling your legs start going weak. Within the days you've spent at home, you couldn't bring yourself to exert much energy getting food, you mainly just spent time wrapped up in a blanket on your couch. Your body is weaker than it ever has been, from both malnutrition and the gunshot, but nobody needs to know that, then they'd start to hover. You'd much rather just suffer in silence and take care of yourself. Morgan follows you over to your desk and you're hypervigilant to keep up a good appearance.

"We've been worried about you. Nobody's heard from you since Hotch picked you up." He says and you glance over to Hotch's office, seeing the door closed.

"Yeah, sorry about that. I've just been trying to rest and heal up." It's not a total lie, just not the entire truth either. You meet Morgan's eyes as if to seal the deal, and thankfully he doesn't push you further on the matter, he just puts a hand on your shoulder.

"Well it's good to have you back." He says before departing back to his own desk.

You open the cover of the file that's sitting on your desk, seeing blank pages waiting for you to fill them out. Grabbing your favorite pen, you start jotting down your notes of the incident report up until you get to the part where you were shot. The pen hovers over the page for minutes, and you can't seem to find the right words. The opening of Hotch's door distracts you and you see him and Spencer walk out. Spencer's eyes lock with yours immediately and he wastes no time abandoning his conversation with Hotch to come over to you. You knew this time would come, you were just hoping to avoid it for a while longer.

"How are you? Are you okay? You weren't supposed to be back until Monday." A flurry of questions gets thrown at you while Spencer looks you over as if he's expecting to see another bleeding wound on you.

"I'm fine, thanks." You keep your answer short, too short for his liking and you know it. Guilt sits heavily in your heart, but you remind yourself that this is for his benefit and wellbeing. You can deal with a broken heart, you can't deal with Spencer dying and that's why this is necessary. His eyebrows scrunch together, confused about why you're acting so strangely.

"I tried to text you." He says, lowering his voice, eyes tender and full of worry. If only you could reach out to him, to feel his soft skin under your fingertips and tell him about the hell you've been going through. Instead, you lick your lips and nod shortly,

"I saw. I just, I wanted some time alone." You lie straight to his face and watch as he buys it so easily. Disappointment paints itself all over his face, but he nods anyways and shoves his hands into his pockets.

"Right. Sorry, well, um, you know where I'll be." He says in a hushed voice before turning and walking to his own desk. Your eyes clamp themselves shut and your fists clench, leaving crescent-shaped indents in your palms as you take a deep breath and fight away the tears that threaten to spill.

Once you've regained control of yourself, you pick your pen back up and focus on nothing else but getting this report done. You force yourself to write robotically, stating only the concise facts of what happened and not a detail more. You're sure the other agents' reports will make up for yours, you just need to get this done and filed so you can leave. The air in the office space is suffocating.

After what feels like a short eternity, you've finally completed the report and you shut the front cover of the file and push yourself out of your chair, gritting your teeth the entire time.

"Need help?" You hear Morgan's voice behind you, and you're quick to shake your head.

"No, I'm fine, thank you." You say as you stand as straight as you can, grabbing the file off your desk with one hand, the other rests over your wound, which feel unusually warm. Fearing the worst, you make your way to Hotch's office, biting your cheek the entire way there.

When you enter his office he looks at you with uncharacteristically soft eyes. He waits for you to make the first move and you put the folder on his desk, letting out a breath you didn't realize you were holding. He opens the folder and reads over your work before tossing it on top of a pile of other folders.

"What's going on with you?" He asks and stands to shut his door. Hotch closes the blinds on the office windows as well, so that the other agents can't see into the room and you're thankful. Your bottom lip quivers as a sharp hot pain radiates from your wound and you feel your throat constrict. Grasping the back of a chair situated in front of his desk you lean your weight on it to try and alleviate the pain, but it isn't working.

"Let me see." Hotch stands from his desk and stands beside you. Once you feel you can stand on your own you lift the edge of your shirt up, exposing the bandage wrapped around you. From your vantage point you can see the warm red skin peeking out from the bandage.

"That's not good, that looks like it's becoming infected." Hotch's voice is thick with worry and he delicately peels back the bandage to examine the wound and you bite down on your hand to keep from crying out. The air coming into contact with it feels like he just pushed a fire poker right through the stitches.

"We're leaving right now, that's definitely infected." Hotch secures the bandage back and you shake your head.

"I'll be fine, it's just part of the healing process." You try to downplay the situation. In reality, you know that it's not good for your wound to be that red or warm, but if the two of you leave right now the others are going to know something's up. And that will inevitably lead to them hovering over you.

"No, it's not. You're going to come with me or I'll call the squad." Hotch threatens and you see no trace of a lie in his eyes or in his tone. Relenting, you agree to go with him. He leads you out of the office and you keep your head down, compelling yourself to not look at Spencer, who's undoubtedly tracking your every move.

Once you reach the parking lot Hotch begins questioning you. He helps you into his car and you let him, not having the energy to fight him.

"Have you not been taking the medicine prescribed to you? I know they gave you an antibiotic." He scolds, knowing the answer. If you had been taking them, you wouldn't be showing up to the office with an angry gunshot wound.

"Hurt too much to drive and get them." You keep your answer short and he huffs in annoyance, but starts driving somewhere to get you the medical attention you need. Deep down you're thankful Hotch cares this much, he's the closest thing to real family you have.

Last Thanksgiving the team found out that you have no family to spend the holidays with. You had never meant to tell them, but holiday plans came up in conversation and yours were painfully dull and lonely compared to theirs. But Hotch invited you to his family's Thanksgiving dinner. At first, you had declined, not wanting to intrude on his family time away from work, but he wasn't taking no for an answer. Now you're glad that he persisted and you went. His wife, Haley, took you under her wing and everything just fell into place; you're practically their surrogate daughter at this point.

After Hotch makes sure that you get looked at by a doctor, and that you actually have your intended prescriptions, he drops you off at your home and makes you promise that you'll send him a video of you taking your medicine on schedule. Knowing that if you don't, he will most definitely drive over here and count the pills, you agree. And as a punishment for not taking the medicine in the first place, he makes you agree to stay out of the office for another week.

-----

The week passes too quickly for your liking. Each day Spencer had texted you, asking if you're okay, that he's worried about you, and that he misses you. It broke your heart to not reply to him, every fiber of your being yearned to text him back, to let him know that you're okay. The temptation to abandon your decision of distancing yourself from him grew stronger each day. It became so tempting that you forced yourself to let your phone battery die and then you buried it underneath the clothes in your dresser so that it would stay out of sight.

But now, as you stare up at the office building from the parking lot, you know that you won't be able to avoid him today and you know that you're going to have to not give into temptation. Every time you want to slip, you're going to have to remind yourself that this is for his safety. You remember that you can deal with the heartbreak, the possibility of him hating you, but you'll never be able to go on if he dies. So you have to do everything in your power to make sure he will never have a reason to make a decision to take a bullet for you, like you did him.

Eventually, you walk into the office, admittedly in a lot less pain than last time. Who knew that taking your prescribed antibiotics would make your life easier? As soon as your foot crosses the threshold of the door, you feel like everyone's eyes are upon you. Instead of looking around to confirm your suspicions, you make a straight route right to your desk. But, of course that doesn't stop people from coming over.

"Back again. You look better this time." Morgan smiles and slides to sit on the edge of your desk. You smile back at him, feeling refreshed and healthier than last time.

"Feel better too. Any new cases?" You ask, hoping to establish some normalcy back into your routine. Typically, you and Spencer carpool to work together and his missing presence from your morning routine didn't go unmissed. Morgan licks his lips and nods,

"Yeah we just got back from one out in Colorado. I think there's another briefing at ten." He tells you, taking a sip of his coffee. You know you won't be let into the field yet, but you at least want to sit in on the briefing. More than likely you'll be paired with Garcia, and you're fine with that.

Morgan slides off your desk and as he moves you see Spencer staring straight at you. His eyes look bloodshot, there are dark circles under his eyes. He looks like he hasn't had a decent night of sleep for a month and his hair is a mess. His lips fall open as you two make eye contact, but you're quick to look away before you go over to comfort him. The inside of your cheeks burn from how hard you're biting them.

Once ten rolls around the team files into the conference room, and you're careful to stand in the back instead of taking your usual seat. Prentiss gives you an odd look but she doesn't say anything. It's glaringly obvious to everyone that something is off, but you assure them you should stand to help your blood circulation. As Hotch starts going over the next case you feel a familiar pair of eyes lingering on your face, but you stare right at Hotch.

Soon enough, the rest of the team is off to work a local case, and you stay in the office to help Garcia. She pulls up a chair for you to sit on, and the two of you get to work without saying a word. It's weird for there to be a silence so thick between the two of you, you two always work so well together and you love Penelope. As she waits for something to load, she taps a pen on her desk and takes a deep breath.

"What's wrong?" You ask, not being able to take it any longer. The tapping pen stills and she looks over to you with an uncertain look on her face.

"What's wrong with me? Nothing, I'm perfect as a peach." She tries to lie, but you can read her too well. Your eyebrows raise, and you push her further.

"Come on, Pen. I know you better than that. Tell me." You implore and she bites her lower lip, conflicted with herself as if she should say anything or not. But eventually your staring gets to her and she breaks.

"Fine. Fine, but you didn't hear this from me. Spencer thinks that you blame him for getting shot and that's why you've been dodging him." You've never heard such ridiculous words come out of Penelope's mouth, and you've heard her say a lot over the years. Taken aback, your mouth falls open and you blink, trying to come up with something to say.

"No. Of course it's not his fault. I pushed him out of the way, he didn't pull me into the bullet's path." You say, wanting to set the record straight. Your heart aches at the thought of Spencer beating himself up, thinking that you blame him for your own actions. You know you won't tell him this directly, but you're certain Garcia will relay the message. And that will have to be good enough.

"What's going on with you two then?" Her voice is uncharacteristically soft. You know you can't tell her what you're really doing because you know she'll fight you on it and try to dissuade you. So you choose to dodge the question altogether.

"There. The victim's information loaded." You point at her screen and she scowls at you, but turns in her chair and resumes her job anyways. While she does her research you busy yourself with putting pins on a map, trying to figure out where the unsub is going to strike next.

Later, the team returns to the office before going home for the day. You're at your desk, shutting down your computer and making sure your file drawer is locked, and when you grab the jacket off the back of your chair, you see Spencer talking to Morgan at his desk. He catches you out of the corner of his eye, and you brush past the two of them before either one of them can say something to you. Your heart shatters a little with each step, but you remind yourself why you're doing this. If you didn't, you're convinced you would have turned back and never let Spencer go.

-----

Three days later, the case is solved. The unsub basically handed the team a map right to himself and chose not to lawyer up when Hotch questioned him. It's almost like he wanted to be caught. You don't dwell on the thought too much, you're just glad another murderer is off the street. While everyone else cheers about the victory as they fill out their reports, you keep to yourself at your desk. Unlike the last report you filled out, you make sure this one is extensively detailed.

"What does everyone say? Celebration drinks tonight?" You hear Morgan's voice, eager and happy. The man loves to celebrate sometimes. The rest of the team agrees, and you finish your sentence, hoping they keep you out of it. If you stay quiet enough, you're sure they'll forget you're even here.

"Oh did someone say drinks?" Penelope walks into the bullpen to give Hotch something. Morgan fills her in on the details and of course she agrees.

"I'm assuming you're coming too, right?" You hear her voice but choose not to look up, hoping that she's talking to someone else. Unfortunately, she was not talking to someone else, and taps on your shoulder to make you look up. You see Spencer standing in the background with everyone else, but you keep your eyes trained on Penelope like he doesn't even exist.

"Oh, I don't know. I was thinking of calling it an early night." You admit, knowing full well that you had planned to sit on your couch all weekend binging some trashy reality show to distract yourself from your reality. Penelope frowns,

"Come on, you've never turned us down before. It'll be good for you." She says, and you can tell by the tone of her voice that she's not going to take no for an answer.

"Fine, I'll be there." You relent, with a tight smile on your face. She cheers and goes back to talking with Morgan, and you swivel around in your chair to finish the report. While you scribble words, you're already forming your escape plan for the night.

You'll stay for about an hour, after everyone has already had a few and then you'll excuse yourself. If you have to, you'll use your gunshot wound as an excuse; and yeah it's a cheap cop out, but if that's what it takes you'll do it. And then once you're out the doors you're free. It's a simple, yet effective, plan.

Hours later the team huddles around a table in a crowded bar. Usually you're all over celebratory drinks, you use it as an excuse to remind your coworkers of just how brilliant they are. But tonight, while the rest of them are chatting away happily, you sit on the edge, nursing your drink and looking out of the bar's front window. Spencer is seated across the table from you and you keep accidentally meeting his eyes, which makes the alcohol in your system warm your skin even more.

Spencer sure does make it hard for you to ignore him. After all, his puppy-dog eyes practically plead with you, silently begging for you to say something to him. You can see how hard he's being on himself, still probably convinced that you blame him for your wound. Even if Garcia told him otherwise, you know he will have a hard time buying it considering your actions completely contradict what you had said. While the others might not notice how miserable he is, you can tell. He hasn't gone on a random knowledge tangent since you've been back and he's been reusing the same coffee cup without washing it for the past few days.

You hate how hard Spencer makes it to actually dislike him, you hate how he's such a kindhearted person because it makes all of this ten times more difficult. If he had at least one dislikable trait then this would be easier, then you might have a chance of convincing yourself that you can't stand him, that you never liked him to begin with. Though you're not sure you could ever convince yourself of that, truly. As you take your last drink, you come to one reasonable conclusion: You hate that you love him.

Suddenly feeling like the room is closing in on you, you stand from your seat and make your way to the bartender to close your tab out for the night. Maybe you can just sneak out of here and nobody will notice. The bartender hands your card back to you, and you start heading towards the door. But of course a team of FBI agents noticed that you had left, and are now heading towards the door. Morgan is the first one to confront you.

"Going home already? It's not even nine yet!" He teases and you give him your best smile.

"Just starting to hurt a little." You ghost your fingers over your healing wound for extra measure, knowing they won't chastise you about that. It seems you've taken the low road after all.

"Want someone to take you home?" Penelope asks, and you're quick to decline, knowing exactly what kind of plan she has in store.

"No, thanks. That's alright, I don't live far. Have a good night everyone." You smile at Morgan, Penelope, and Prentiss before you leave. As you walk to your car you notice that everytime you turn away and leave Spencer, your heart fragments more and more. But you remember what's at stake, and you pick yourself up, the best you can, and keep moving forward. You know that the pain and turmoil you're feeling now will amount to nothing if something ever happens to Spencer.

-----

Months later your gunshot wound is practically completely healed. There's a scar that's going to be left behind, but you don't mind it. You're one week out from being cleared to go back into the field, and you're undergoing your evaluation now. You thought that you'd be happy and eager to get back out there, but instead you find yourself hesitant and nervous about it. Working with Garcia had made you feel safe and secure. So now, as you sit in Hotch's office, you try to find the words you're looking for. He's staring at you expectantly.

"I just. Hotch I don't know if I can go back out there." Your voice is shaky, and you're afraid this admission will get you dismissed from the team. He leans forward, elbows resting on his desk.

"You're saying you don't want to return to the field?" He tries to clarify. You take in a deep breath,

"I want to return to the field, I just don't know if I want to do it right now. I mean, I still get nightmares about being shot and it feels so real. What I'm trying to say is that I don't know how well I'd react in stressful situations right now." You tell him, hoping that this makes more sense. In a way, you're figuring out what exactly it is you want. His eyes narrow, trying to get a read on you. Hotch writes some words on the paper in front of him and sighs.

"I can give you another month. And I want you to start seeing a therapist." He says and you scoff immediately. Hotch holds his hand up to stop your protests before they even start.

"Listen. I don't know what's going on inside your mind since this all happened. But you haven't been yourself. And you haven't spoken to Spencer once. You two used to be the best of friends. It's none of my business to know, but you need to tell someone about it. Being shot like that is not something that someone gets over easily and without ramifications." He explains, and deep down you know he's right. You just don't want to confide to anyone about your issues.

"Sure." You agree, knowing that he's going to force you to see a therapist one way or another. If you tell him no now, you're sure someone will show up in the office next week to conduct some sort of "random psych evaluation". Hotch dismisses you from his office, and you make your way to the break room for some much needed caffeine.

The coffee in the pot is hot, like it's been freshly brewed. You pick a mug at random and fill it, then you sprinkle in a modest amount of sugar before tasting it. It's warm and comforting, like a hug from the inside. You close your eyes to help yourself destress from what happened in Hotch's office, but when you open them you see Spencer standing in the doorway. His hair is still wildly curly, there are still circles under his eyes from sleep deprivation. Even his clothes are wrinkled now, it looks like he doesn't take the time to iron them out anymore.

You two stare at each other with so much left unsaid, and you make a move to leave the room before you fold under the pressure. Your shoulder brushes his on the way out, and you hear him speak.

"Please. I'm sorry." You hear him plead with you and your steps falter, wanting so badly to just stop and turn around. To hold him close to you and apologize, to tell him you miss him so bad it makes your chest hurt and how life is dull without him. But instead, you take a scalding sip of coffee and keep moving forward like you never heard him. Each day that passes you find yourself hating how deeply you love him more and more, it's almost a constant burn in your veins.

You spend the rest of the day tucked away in Penelope's office, nose buried in a screen, doing the most menial research as if the fate of the world depends on it. Penelope doesn't say anything. She just sighs and helps you with the research.

-----

A few more weeks pass, and fall is now in full swing. There's a crisp chill to the air, the leaves are all turning colors and falling to the ground. And with fall comes your birthday. You have no real plans to celebrate, Hotch had given you your gift in the parking lot before work this morning, knowing that you don't like a lot attention being drawn to you, but it is nice to get a simple "happy birthday" from your friends.

The team packs up for the day, and your heart sinks with disappointment. It seems that nobody but Hotch had remembered your birthday. You convince yourself that this is a stupid reason to get sad, that they all have busy lives to keep up with. Plus, it's not like it's a milestone birthday anyways. Grabbing your jacket, you leave the office for the day with a heavy sadness taking residence in your chest.

When you arrive home, you turn some lamps on and toss your jacket over the back of the couch. You put Hotch's gift on the table, and go to the kitchen to open a bottle of wine. You don't bother pouring it into a glass, straight from the bottle will suffice just fine. Taking the bottle with you, you go to your room and change out of your work clothes. As you rummage through the drawers, you find your phone still sitting in the bottom of one of them.

You had never found the courage to charge it back up, afraid to see what words had been left for you. But tonight, you figure it's about time you confront your own feelings. You plug the phone in and set it on your nightstand, taking another swig of the wine and waiting for it to charge.

After what feels like hours, the phone finally turns back on. And within minutes, the notifications start pouring in. Text after text after text rolls in and the missed calls start to pile up. With another drink, you take your phone in your hand and read over the messages. There are exactly fifty seven messages from Spencer and thirty missed calls.

Your eyes scan the texts he sent you, his words sinking into the fibers of your very being, and you're saddled with an intense sorrow. Tears fall from your cheeks onto the phone's screen and you stop reading, not being able to take it anymore. All of his texts were him apologizing to you, begging you to please talk to him. You listen to the voicemails he left, hearing his voice crack and listening to him sniffle as he pleads for you to please just say something, anything. You can almost visualize him in your mind, wiping his tears as he tells you how sorry he is and how he misses you more than anything. He's begging and apologizing as if he's the one who has done anything wrong here. You hate yourself more than anything for letting him suffer like this.

You leave your phone on your nightstand and grab the wine, returning to your kitchen table, where Hotch's gift sits perfectly wrapped. Taking it in your hands, you unwrap it and look inside the box, heart stilling as you see what's inside. With trembling fingers, you grab the frame and hold it in front of your face. Hotch had given you a framed photo of the team, a picture in which Spencer is holding you tightly against his side, and you're looking up at him with stars in your eyes. The frame slips through your fingers and clatters onto the table.

You support yourself on the back of a chair, and you finally let yourself feel everything you had suppressed over the last few months. Sobs shake your body and the tears fall onto the photo. Your hands clutch the back of the chair until your knuckles turn white, afraid that if you let go you'll collapse to the ground.

A knock at the door catches you off guard and you try to level out your breathing, using the back of your hand to wipe the tears from your cheeks. You aren't expecting anyone, and you almost consider just leaving it be, but your curiosity gets the best of you. Knowing that you probably look deranged and pathetic, you open the door anyways.

Spencer stands in the doorway, a small box in his hands along with a bouquet of your favorite fresh-cut flowers.

Your mouth falls open, and you think your heart might actually jump out of your chest. He looks you over, an obvious concern coming over his face. You should shut the door on him, tell him to go away, but your resolve has crumbled, like dust in the wind.

"Can I come in?" He whispers, and you nod, letting him inside your home, where he's been so many times but now it feels like the first time all over again. Your house is in a state of disarray, and if you hadn't just been sobbing over a photo of him, you might care more. You wipe more tears from your eyes and you clear your throat, not exactly sure what to say or do. But thankfully, he speaks up again.

"Happy birthday." His voice is soft, and he gives you a small smile, but the sadness is evident in his eyes.

"You didn't have to get me anything." You say, looking at the beautiful flowers and carefully wrapped box, topped with a ribbon of your favorite color. He takes a step towards you, and hands you the flowers first. As you take them, your fingers brush his and it feels like the air has been kicked out of your lungs.

"I know, but I wanted to." He says, meeting your eyes. You catch the scent of the flowers, appreciating their freshness and the life they bring to your otherwise sad home. Making your way into your kitchen, you find a vase to put the flowers in and then you set them on the table. Spencer's eye catches the photo, and you know he can see the wetness that still adorns the frame. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to put the pieces together.

"Thank you, Spencer." You say after you position the flowers just right. Willingly, you catch his eye and you know you can never go back to ignoring him after this. He glances from you, to the photo, then back to you before he hands you the box. Lifting the top off, you see a beautiful gold chain inside that has a beautiful gemstone pendant hanging from it.

"I picked the stone because it reminded me of your eyes." He sheepishly admits, and you look up at him through your lashes with the purest and deepest love flowing through you. But through that love, the guilt eats you alive.

"Spencer, this is too much. I've been horrible to you lately, I don't deserve this. And I definitely don't deserve your kindness." You say, looking into his gorgeous, kind eyes. The tension is noticeable between you, and you wish it would melt away and that you two could go back to how things used to be.

"I've missed you so much." Is all he says, voice cracking and you see tears gather in his eyes. Unable to help yourself, you set the necklace on the table and close the gap between the two of you, resting your hand on his cheek. Your bottom lip trembles,

"I'm so sorry Spencer. I'm so sorry." You say, tears once again flowing down your face. He sniffles as a tear runs down his cheek onto your thumb.

"Why?" Is all he asks but you know exactly what he means. You decide to come clean to him, there's no use of lying now.

"When I got shot, I realized that if you had been the one who got hit, and you didn't make it, that I wouldn't be able to live. The thought of living in a world without you is too much. So I had to make sure that I didn't give you a reason to make the same choice I did. I could live with you hating me, but I couldn't live in a world without you. I wanted you to hate me so that you wouldn't risk your life for me." Your thumb gently brushes his cheekbone, trembling with your words. He closes his eyes as tears keep falling down his cheeks. One of his hands comes up and grabs yours that's on his face, and he grips it tight.

"When I realized you had taken the bullet for me, I knew that nothing would be the same between us. I thought I was going to lose you. Your blood was on my hands, and it's the only thing I have nightmares about anymore. And this made me realize that I can never stop loving you, no matter what happens." He admits, causing you to cry harder. The remorse you feel for putting him through so much torment feels like it's eating you from the inside. You should have been there for him.

"I'm so sorry." Is all you can say, it's all you can express to him right now. He needs to know that you didn't mean any of it. Spencer pulls you in for a hug and holds you tight against him. One of his hands cradles the back of your head, the other is secure around your waist. Your tears stain his sweater, and the two of you let out everything.

When you finally pull back from the hug you grab his face with gentle hands, making him look at you.

"Spencer, I love you so much. I need you to know that I did what I did because I love you too much to lose you." You admit to him and he smiles. A genuine smile that you haven't seen in months. Through the tears and emotions, you two smile widely at one another.

Spencer closes the gap between the two of you, and tilts your chin up. Your lips connect with his ever so softly, and you pull him closer to you, your hands trailing down his torso, collecting fistfuls of his sweater. One of his hands rests on your cheek, brushing your cheekbone and the other keeps you close to him.

Everything that has gone unsaid is spoken loud and clear as you kiss one another. When your lungs start burning, begging for air, you break away and lean your forehead on his chest. He brushes your hair with his fingers and you feel him press a tender kiss to the top of your head. You stay entangled with each other in a comfortable silence before you look up at him,

"We'll be alright." You tell him, knowing that the two of you will be able to mend each other in time. And things may never be like they were, and that's okay.

"We'll be alright." He confirms, kissing your forehead.

Eventually, you two move to the couch and you ask him to clasp the necklace around your neck. In the soft, warm glow of the lamps you look into his eyes and can see all of the love he holds for you. You take one of his hands in yours and he positions himself so that you can lay back against him. He's warm, and being held by him feels like home.

Laying in his arms, you decide you don't want to return to the field. After all, if you're not in the field he won't ever be faced with the decision to take a bullet for you or not. As long as he's in your life, and you're in his, things will be okay. Before you drift off to sleep, you lean up and press a kiss to his temple.

You have everything you need right here in your arms.

#spencer reid #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x you #dr spencer reid #spencer reid angst #spencer reid comfort #hurt/comfort #hotch #criminal minds #criminal minds fanfic #derek morgan #penelope garcia #spencer reid fluff #harry styles #Spotify

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yesimwriting · 2 months

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i know the general consensus is that oliver is using bestfriend! reader to get to felix but i do wonder if the more he spends time around felix and you that the line between hate and something akin to what he feels for felix blur a little. when did he find your naivety become endearing instead of annoying; when did he find interest in kind of books that you often rattle on about— i think him liking reader is funny but also a good point of conflict for him and felix and just felix himself. kinda forces him to address his totally not platonic affections for reader. (also oliver and reader dynamic in my mind is basically just olivia rodrigo's lacy)

in honor of me now having officially seen lacy live :))

also i have had lacy on my mind for them for such a long time it feels like you've crawled into my brain omg

they also remind me of the song girl crush (i love the harry styles cover of that song omg)

----

"Stalker."

Oliver hadn't meant for the nail of his thumb to start tracing the sharp crease forever dented into the spine of one of your paperbacks, but the strangeness of it had been too tempting.

The Virgin Suicides. The title doesn't seem to suit your taste, and yet there it was, well worn and tucked into the corner of your small shelf lovingly, next to the first few installments of Harry Potter.

"Oh, I--" He should have been more focused, he should have worked harder at listening for you over the music coming from your CD player. "I was just..."

You're staring at him, charcoal colored product smeared beneath both of your eyes now. When he first showed up at your door, about fifteen minutes early, you had only completed your left eye.

The night has a way of changing you, of making you look a little older. The makeup, your low cut top, the length of your skirt. It all works together to blur away any uncertainty in the way you hold yourself. Oliver's seen it--you--like this before, but for whatever reason, it's hitting him harder than usual.

He swallows, fighting the thrown feeling to take in your expression. Your eyes give away little about what you're feeling, but the set of your lips betrays you. There's the slightest lift to the corner of your mouth. You're amused. You're joking.

"Kidding," you grin, "You can relax."

Oliver lets out an exaggerated breath to play up his relief. You're harder to crack than you should be, the most significant piece in the puzzle that is Felix's favor, but there are a few things that Oliver has figured out about you. The first is that your loyalty runs deep, so once he's in with you he's in for life.

The second is that you like being the good guy. It's not the same as Felix's desire to play in the macabre until it, too, bends to his will and morphs into something good, but it's similar enough. You like making people feel at ease, you like having people trust you.

"Do you read?" Your question is genuine. You even lean against your bathroom's doorframe to make it clear that you're listening.

The fact that you felt the need to ask reminds Oliver of how little you actually know about him. Felix is attached to you like he is no other, so Oliver's been around you, but he hasn't managed to make it across the line that divides friendly from friend. You're polite, kind even, but it's clear that something about Oliver hasn't clicked with you. Yet.

Your unfamiliarity should shake him, should make him regret pretending to get the time wrong to buy himself some time alone with you in an attempt to thaw the ice. But if anything, his novelty in your mind grounds him. Any indifference or dislike you feel towards him isn't personal. You just don't know him.

To you, Oliver is a blank canvas that he can paint to reflect exactly what you want in a friend. "A little," he answers, "I've gotten more into it recently, still looking for recommendations."

"You can borrow the one you were looking at, if you want." There's a shy quality to your response that briefly gives him a flash of what Felix might see in you. "It's a little eerie, but beautiful. Definitely one of those books you'll either really love or really hate, no in-between."

Oliver nods. Reading isn't a terrible way to find an in with you. "Sounds interesting." He takes a slight step forward. "Hopefully, I'll love it because after what you said to Lucas in class, I'm scared to not agree with you."

Your eyes briefly dart to the ground, a bashful grin playing at your lips. "Oh my god, don't remind me."

The one good thing about Oliver's too-brutal-for-an-elective literature for creative writing class is the fact that it gives him something to have in common with you.

"You made good points." You shake your head at the compliment, expression still lighthearted enough for Oliver to know that he's still treading on safe ground. "And honestly, needed a break from hearing Lucas's thoughts on the canon for the fifth time in the same hour."

"Thank you." Your tone is full of the satisfaction that comes from vindication. "He's the worst kind of English major."

"The worst," he echoes.

Your smile hints at a camaraderie that Oliver should find satiating. After all, that's what he came here for. A few stolen moments in which Felix wouldn't be able to distract either of you.

Oliver's eyes drift towards the collage decorating the wall your bed is pressed against. A lot of it is made up of scraps, pieces from magazines, post cards and notes from friends, some scrapbooking material to fill awkward spaces. But there are also pictures. Most of them of you and Felix.

A disposable clearly taken by your best friend stands out. You're laughing, Felix is staring at you, the arm that isn't holding the camera around your shoulders. There's an unabashed affection behind Felix's gaze that Oliver can feel in the pit of his stomach. It'd be one thing if the two of you were drunk or inebriated in one way, but the background of the photo is so mundane. The two of you are in a coffee shop, daylight still streaming in from the window next to you.

What is about you?

The question cuts through him from the inside out, the same way it always does. This, his mind reminds him, this is why he doesn't let himself be around you...because he can pretend all he wants, can attempt to convince himself that the visceral feeling that strikes him in the chest whenever you laugh; or pull your lips into a pout; or look at him like he's more than static is as simple as hatred. It won't change anything.

You'll still be goodhearted, enough of you rooted in your own world to let you stay that way. You'll still have that off kilter sense of humor and the way you pinch your eyebrows together when you're pretending to get something everyone else does. You'll still have your cherry lip gloss and perfectly smudged eyeliner. You'll still be the one that Felix eventually realizes he's in love with.

There's no reason to hold this against you. You're blissfully unaware of most of the things that twist Oliver's stomach into careful knots, and the little you're actually aware of, you're kind about.

Oddly enough, that only makes it worse.

The sharp nausea that comes from thinking about you too much isn't something to act on. If Oliver lets himself lean into his bitterness even slightly, all of his careful planning will have been for nothing. Felix would never keep anyone around that hurt you. Even Farleigh's learned to temper his snark, keeping any comments made about you lighthearted enough for you to laugh off.

Besides, there's nothing to gain from hurting you. With those eyes and soft, eager to please smiles, it'd probably feel like kicking a puppy.

"You sounded good, though," he mumbles, "Smart."

You beam at him, the look so warm and real Oliver's once again forced to understand why Felix cares about you so much. "I think I sounded a little crazy, but I like your version better." You scratch the back of your arm, the movement almost nervous. "Thanks."

He forces a smile, letting silence fall over the two of you. If you were as predictable as the others, Oliver would have some kind of direction on what to give you.

"If you want something to drink..." You trail off, head turning to look at the mini fridge tucked into the corner of your dorm. "Felix was going to bring something, because my fridge is basically empty. I think I have some leftover vodka in my closet, but it's the mixed drink bottle from last week, so a single shot could be a lot...and it's pink now, and I think it was more orange last week."

You shift your weight from foot to foot as you ramble. "But I don't remember a lot of last Saturday. Ironically, because of what's in the closet." You let out a self deprecating laugh. "But no judgement if you want to be that drunk. Seriously."

It's the kind of statement that would feel sarcastic from anyone else. Oliver can tell you mean it.

He didn't plan on getting that drunk tonight, but then again, he rarely does. Oliver's gotten into the habit of following Felix's lead, letting him set the tone of the night.

"We could do a shot together." Oliver keeps his voice low, casual in its hesitance.

Taking shots with people you're not the most familiar with seems to be your form of low stakes bonding. More often than not, it seems to be a girl thing, but Oliver's seen enough exceptions to not feel weird about asking. The only time Farleigh openly gets along with you is after the two of you make a game of who can down a round fastest.

"Yeah." You smile, visibly easing. "Sounds fun."

Oliver has a feeling that your relief is more about having something to do with your hands than the promise of alcohol. The only part of you that ever indicates insecurity is your uncertainty. Like you're afraid someone's going to tap you on your shoulder and tell you that something about your last social interaction was objectively wrong.

You turn, walking towards your closet. There's the creek of old hinges and then a slight laugh. "If we get drunk enough before Felix gets here, he's going to have a really stressful night."

You're different when you're drunk, touchier and more susceptible. Oliver swallows. You could be joking. You're usually joking.

"He could use some stress," he mumbles, attempting to reflect your usual brand of humor, "He's had it too good for too long."

You laugh again, the sound fuller this time as you shut the closet door. "Where would he be without us to humble him?"

The thought of him holding the same level of significance in Felix's life as you do clouds Oliver's mind. That is so you, to say something so inviting and disorientating just as he's resolving the way he sees you. "Nowhere good."

You place a small, plastic cup in front of him before setting down your own. The liquid in the bottle is an egregious shade of pink for what once was plain vodka. You were right to point it out. Oliver's stomach starts to turn just looking at it.

"Okay," you start filling his cup first, as innocently as if you were offering him lemonade. "This might kill us."

Oliver doubts anything that bad would ever happen to someone like you. He watches you fill your own cup, the liquid draining from the bottle much faster than it should. "It might with the way you're pouring it."

"What?" You start twisting the lid back onto the bottle. "That's a standard shot."

"Standard to who?" The question is more for the sake of arguing than genuine concern. A lot of your friendship with Felix seems to be made up of pointless bickering.

You glare at him, "I don't know, like standard standard."

You're the kind of person that enjoys reading for fun and sitting by the pond to feed ducks and yet you're willing to drink like that. "Sounds exact."

You pick up your cup, squinting at its contents. "Standard-ish." Clearly. You extend your arm slightly, Oliver takes the hint, picking up his own overfilled cup. He taps the edge of his cup against yours. You return the gesture immediately. "One...two..."

The two of you down your drinks in unison. You both regret your choices immediately. It's more than just the sting of alcohol, it's the nauseating taste of everything that was considered left over at the end of last week's party mixed together.

His eyes meet yours, and there's an immediate, wordless understanding. That was disgusting. Despite your mutual repulsion, the two of you are smiling.

Oliver's reminded of a gesture he's seen you and Felix exchange between rounds. A version of a kiss so quick and casual, it does manage to pass as something close to platonic. At the very least, platonic compared to you on Felix's lap, you in Felix's bed in nothing but his T-shirt...

You smell like Felix. It doesn't matter how much of that start-of-spring perfume you wear, it never fully covers the faint aroma of cigarettes and luxury fabric softener. Oddly enough, the artificial scent seems determined to linger on anything that isn't you, often making Felix smell like you. It's such a common occurrence, sometimes if Oliver's not thinking about it, it's hard to remember what comes from you and what comes from him.

It's easy to wonder if that level of entanglement applies to other things. If you'd feel like Felix. You wear his clothes often enough. Or, if Felix feels like you. He's in the habit of using the lotions and products you leave in his room.

You set down your disposable cup. "That was a lot grosser than I remember it."

"A lot," he echoes, discarding his own cup.

----

taglist; @vader-is-hot @spiritofbuddha @getosangie @freyafriggafrey @ilovehyperfixating @aryiannarae @willowpains @ker0senebunny

#saltburn x reader #felix catton x reader #bestfriend!felix #bestfriend!felix verse #bestfriend!felix x reader #oliver quick x reader #saltburn imagine

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alwaysxlarrie · 9 months

Text

harry is louis’ baby fic rec masterlist part 2 :)

hi hello, so, i actually started putting together this masterlist at the end of april (since then, ‘ain’t that a kick in the head!’ has been deleted, which was on the original list. big rip) but then life just kept getting in the way. & i have like 57485 fic rec masterlists that i want to get out but i wanted to post this one first, so. here i am. i usually do 50 fics per rec list, but this is 25. so it seems i can do a (semi) shorter fic rec list. who would’ve thought? anyway, enjoy!!

a million roses (bathed in rock n’ roll) by deLILAh

i’d come across this fic a number of times before i actually read it because i don’t listen to lana del rey (thank you jennifer & @hlkings for showing me the wonders of her music) so i wasn’t sure if i’d be able to follow the storyline. but!!! worry not. that knowledge isn’t required. amazing strangers to lovers, good smut, 10/10 relationship development & individual character development

and the truth shall set you free... by @jaerie / jaerie

jaerie knows i love this fic. my friends know i love this fic. i’m pretty sure most of the world’s population knows too. the relationship development in general & portrayal of inexperienced!harry/experienced!louis is top tier. it’s interesting reading harry going through his journey, in a generally pretty accurate way (from the perspective of someone who grew up religious), so i love that it’s in harry’s pov. i love how louis goes from teasing to soft to guiding so naturally, as well.

a rose, by any other name by @canonlarry / iwillpaintasongforlou

this fic portrays protective louis so well while harry’s still independent & in charge of his own autonomy. there’s some mentions of violence in this, just a disclaimer, but it’s veryyyyy minor! really good (dark) plot twist at the end too!

a cage for every ugly spirit by sarcasticfluentry

listennnnnnnnnnnnn. this fic??? & it’s sequel???? amazing. top tier. i just love how all the different elements of religion, kink, romance, smut, etc connect

be my little good luck charm by 100percentsassy

the flirting!!!!!! my heart!!!!!!!!!! i know larry hitting it off right away is a canon trope & all that but it’s not always easy to write in a way that doesn’t feel rushed & this fic depicts that perfectly. there’s so much wonderful humor, fluffy moments & lots of domesticness.

baby we could be enough (i’ll make this feel like home) by orphan account

i am an absolute sucker for fics where either harry or louis is a single father & the other one just swoops into their life & fits. & that’s exactly how this fic is. i’m not an angst person at all, but i also love how there’s realistic angst/concerns that a single parent would have about bringing another person into their lives. other than that bit, there’s still a whole lotta fluff !!

breathless for eternity by cabinbythesea

wow another fic where they’re strangers, hit it off immediately & have the cutest dynamic!! i’m a walking cliché atp but listen, although this is mostly pwp imo, the way louis picks up on harry’s mannerisms, what he needs as a sub, how to tease, etc is beautiful???? that takes talented writing!! we love to see it?? thank you for this???

boy for sale by @ohpleaselarry / ohpleaselarry

i mean, listen. do be mindful of the tags & what not, but. at the very core, harry is simply louis’ baby & you will not be convincing me otherwise. i would absolutely die for a prequel or a sequel. the undertones throughout this fic are *chef’s kiss*

baby thinking of you keeps me up all night by ballsdeepinjesus

i am nothing if not consistent with loving famous!louis/fanboy!harry fics, alright? you gotta give me that at least. the internal struggle louis goes through throughout the majority of this fic is so funny but also so real of him??? plus, we love thigh fucking here, so. a winner in my book!

do not falter (there’s a star ahead) by @londonfoginacup / ladylondonderry

all you need in life is harry feeling safe surrounded by louis’ scent. shit, me too, harold. there’s so much cuteness in such a short lil fic & altho it’s open ended, we all know they got together & lived happily ever after, thank you v much

gotta get (me) outta my head by @parmahamlarrie / parmahamlarrie

i have severe adult adhd & the way bee wrote this is phenomenal at making anyone who has adhd feel so seen & understood. i dream about writing my struggles w adhd as wonderfully as she did. & the way louis helps harry & is there for her in just the right ways so, so fantastically done. top tier fic for sure.

heartbeat (fire on fire) by @larryficwriter / theifinlife

this fic was written for my @notjustsmutficfest & i adore it. louis being so vulnerable to comfort harry, louis’ family being so supportive, the check ins during the smut, the way harry makes sure louis is okay too??? I’M CRYING PEOPLE (also, there’s great smut, too)

i love this feeling (but i hate this part) by @lululawrence / lululawrence

i love the crack mixed with cute dynamic mixed with dealing with very real life situations. & the teasing at the end????? i cry!!! give this a read asap rocky

i’ll crash until you notice me by @aliensingucci / stylinsoncity

i love the pacing & how it brings in realistic elements of a boss/employee relationship while not taking out you out of the fic. top tier smut & dirty talk. the bar + bathroom scene??? that shit was art. also i love how much harry went to bat for the natives & kept coaxing louis to respect the culture of the buildings & all that. (like it’s the bare minimum really but i do like the fact that the fic went into that aspect & acknowledged it!)

late night talking by @kingsofeverything / kingsofeverything

this is simply just me continuing to not let lauren forget how much i love this fic. i could talk about this fic for hours & i’ve included this on a masterlist before but idc bc listen. the sneak dating?? the flirting?? the tension building?? there were a few plot points that kept me on my toes (everett, i’m looking at you & how long you managed to stick around for) & i respect that. i have so much more i could say about this fic but i’ll stop here so i don’t spoil anything lol.

my pleasure (to make you mine) by @zanniscaramouche / zanni_scaramouche

i don’t think i’ve let zanni have a moment of peace about this fic since i read it. for that, zanni, i’m sorry. but i’m also really, really not. the way their dynamic right off the bat is so seamless & louis does his best to make harry feel comfortable is what we in the industry like to call cinema. prior to this fic i didn’t really care one way or the other about nipple play in fics & now i don’t understand why it doesn’t occur more in fics?? zanni, you’ve changed me as a woman thx bb

meow or never by velvetnoodle

as a cat lover who has attempted to discreetly bring cats home before & a louis lover, i understand harry’s dilemma. i would also do exactly what he did if given louis’ offer. i will leave it at that & will let you bask in the magic that is this fic.

no bunny but you by @crinkle-eyed-boo / crinkle-eyed-boo

this is another fic i will simply never shut up about. louis is smooth as shit??? like. i WISH a guy would do for me what he did for harry in this. there’s just so much to adore in this from the flirting, the teasing, the relationship developments, the softness, all the little plot twists. 10/10, top tier, no notes

promise not to fade away by @nobodymoves / you_explode

i adore the way this toed the line of angst & fluff so well. it’s so sweet & cute & hot & has an open/ambiguous ending that still gives you a sense of closure imo. as someone who typically is not an open/ambiguous ending fic fan, i absolutely endorse this fic.

stood up by panda_bear21

the pop punk!louis/popstar!harry (or the bad boy!louis/good boy!harry) trope will always give me the will to live. i love this fic bc it’s cute & does sexual tension well & while it does bring up closeting & general hollywood shittiness, it does a good job of making you feel like it’s not the actual focus of the plot & still leaves you with some hope, if that makes sense & i appreciate that v much

three french hems by 100percentsassy & gloria_andrews

idk if it’s because i started reading fan fics on wattpad (i mean, really my journey started w fanfiction.net & the fics that had the actual fic in the youtube description box & the video was a slideshow of pics but i digress) but i have a soft spot for smaus. & they can be....tricky (the wattpad homies know) but this is done so well & i need someone to get louis some perfectly cooked prawns pls!!!! also louis having a thing for harry’s thighs rly makes this baby a winner imo

to be a better man by @thedevilinmybrain / devilinmybrain

i have a weak spot for fics where harry or louis cheat on their significant other w each other. it’s my guilty pleasure. sue me. jen is so good at describing feelings, actions, etc to make you feel like you’re in the fic watching it happen. i adore the changes in larry’s dynamic, how smoothly it all happened, how much louis cared & understood exactly what harry needed, how easily harry gave in &let louis take care of him. i would absolutely read a part 2 of this w harry & louis together

wrapped in light, in life, in love by orphan account

i will never not be obsessed w fics that have the louis is gemma’s best friend & harry’s in love w him trope. that mixed w how easily & instantaneously harry & louis get along even after not seeing each other for years? add a dash of harry having louis’ baby & how obvious they are about their feelings for each other? GIMME

when we were young by @allwaswell16 / allwaswell16

ok so this is a series, not a fic B U T i feel like you can read the fics stand alone & you can feel the vibe from each fic, but i think since they both have the ~vibe~ you just feel it all so much more when you read them together. ANYWAY. they’re so obviously smitten w each other & of course everyone else can see it but them. harry is an oblivious shit but we love him (&so does louis).

you took my heart by surprise by @loveislarryislove / livelaughlovelarry

it takes a while for harry & louis to warm up to each other, but once they do, it is just...so, so good. annika’s writing will make you feel like you’re actually experiencing the same emotions as the characters are. louis’ protectiveness & how adamant he is to not let anything get in the way of protecting harry, including himself is so heartbreakingly sweet. i cry. i adore how annika describes the emotionally conflicting emotions & situations while keeping the undertone of how much they care about & want each other. annika does not play when it comes to angst & that is a warning (although this is def not her most angst-filled fic by any means)

your heart can love again by sloganeer

this fic speaks to the famous!louis/fanboy!harry stan in me. a shocker, truly, i know! it’s so cute. i love how their relationships transitions in a way that’s quick but doesn’t feel forced & just makes sense -- the way they get domestic so quickly is simply *chefs kiss*

**friendly reminder to please leave kudos & comments on any of the fics you end up reading from this !! show the writers some love :)**

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itsnotaphasemomitsanobsession · 10 days

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My favorite fics of all time

For my birthday this year (I'm turning 30!!!) I thought what better way to celebrate the day I was born but also ✨ the day all my favorite characters died ✨ by giving you all some good fics! Happy May 2nd!!!

Running on Air (T): An oldy but a goody! I remember reading this a couple years ago when I rediscovered my love for drarry! I had spent my formative years on fanfic dot net obsessing over drarry and this brought it all back in one fell swoop.

Way down we go (T): I stumbled upon this one 2 years ago and I've been rereading it ever since. It's silly and lovely and they are in Alabama. What more could be said about it? A fantastic and beautiful story and I love it so much.

A big black sky (M): if I had to pick only one fic to read for the rest of my life, it would be this one. I love everything about this fic. It's sweet and loving and kind and wholesome and so sad and just wretchedly the best thing I've read. I reread this at least 2 times a year. And every reread it just gets better and better!

A pulled down shade (M): this one is newer to my list but I can already say this is a great and phenomenal fic! The author put their soul into this fic you can really tell, the effort and the love and the hard work. Truly an amazing read and an amazing story!!!

Nice things (M): I'm a sucker for an eighth year fic and this one is very good. I love a pot smoking draco something about it really gives me the vibes I don't know why. This whole fic is wholesome and it deserves so much love!

You've got the antidote for me (M): listen. Soulmate fics. I need more of them okay? I need so many. I love them so much they make me physically ill. Read this it's so good and sweet with a touch of sad.

Burn the witch (E): big fan of the bodyguard trope! This one also has Scorpius in it and I love when Scorpius is in things it makes me happy every time! But a good fic, very interesting plot and the characterization is very good and the ocs are super good too!!

I was late (you were early) (E): one of those "if we both aren't married in 10 years" fics and it's so good! There's also one in draco's pov I'll find you again (I always do)! It's a very cute story and I loved it a whole lot!

Everything a word can mean (T): a short and sweet little ficlet! It's of course a soulmate fic where they have names that their soulmates call them written somewhere on their bodies. And Harry's just so happens to be savior.

10:37 PM on the Floor of the Seventh Floor Corridor Near the Dancing Trolls (G): another short and sweet ficlet! Takes place during 6th year outside of the room of requirement! Very good and I love the characterization and I enjoy the authors take on this part of the books!

Say anything (M): professors au is one of my favorite aus!!!! And mic it with a French speaking draco and a secretly French speaking Harry! It only gets better!!

Little Deaths and How to Avoid Them (or Draco Malfoy's Guide to Stop Dying and Start Living Instead) (T): I loved this fic a whole lot and really enjoyed the dynamic between Harry and Ginny in his oddly enough. I thought it was a very real and thought out fic that also at the same time was wholesome and sweet while going over sexuality and desire. I loved it a whole lot and it made my demisexual heart sing when I saw asexual rep.

Nearly lost things, carefully tended (E): antiques dealer draco and home owner Harry! Harry has some weird things for Draco to look at and he certainly doesn't pick the weirdest things he can find just for the blonde. Nah. Read it. It's great and silly and overall very fun!

I can't think of any more but make sure you leave comments and kudos if you like a fic!!

#drarry fic #drarry fic recs #drarry #hpdm fanfic #hpdm #drarry fanfiction

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sitp-recs · 6 months

Note

do you know of any dom/sub fics but that are not really pron centered. like they can be explicit but still be mostly about that dom/sub undertone dynamic.. I’ve read all omegaverse drarry fics in the market (ao3) and honestly i’m in love with that dynamic

Hi anon! Ahh yes I don’t usually go for hardcore BDSM but am very much here for Dom/sub undertones in fics that explore those dynamics in a more organic, subdued way. I really love it when the sex is just a way to get a deeper look into the characters’ psyche. I think these fics do a great job, I’ve also heard great things about Freedom to Be by Quicksilvermaid it might be a good fit - ty @vmcgmidlifecrisis for the rec!

Student Digs by Lokifan (E, 4k)

Harry’s living in *student accommodation*. Just the phrase makes Draco shudder.

Lucid by @dracoladon (E, 4.4k)

Harry's not sure what makes him harder; listening to Draco talk about astronomy, or shagging Draco so thoroughly that he can't talk at all. Both, probably.

Shining, Like A Present by @bixgirl1 (E, 13k)

The discovery of a small silver box at the site of a case opens up new possibilities.

Moneymaker by @dictacontrion (E, 16k)

As a top trader, Draco has power and money, suits and cars, houses and good champagne - everything a person could want. So when Auror Potter comes looking for help, Draco can't think of anything that might persuade him to lend a hand. Well...maybe one thing.

just tell me when it’s alright by @bonesliketambourines (E, 23k)

Harry’s been fighting tooth and nail for any bit of normalcy he can get his hands on. He’s sick of feeling like something’s wrong with him, tired of feeling different. He thinks he’s finally gotten to the root of it, and has settled into a routine that makes him happy. Naturally, that’s when Draco Malfoy walks back into his life and upends it once again. Has Harry bitten off more than he can chew with his former rival?

A Year in Training by Omi_Ohmy (M, 25k)

Harry is finally living his dream and training as an Auror, but nothing seems to be going right: he’s just so angry all the time. And Draco Malfoy’s presence on the programme really isn’t helping with that, either.

Inside Your Mind by @lazywonderlvnd (E, 36k)

Goyle's taken it upon himself to act as Malfoy's personal, one-man guard and Harry can't help but feel like it's only making the bullying worse.

The Destiny You Sold by tryslora (E, 59k)

In which Draco knits, Harry makes wands, and things get very tangled up between them.

Far From The Tree by aideomai (E, 112k)

The arrival of Harry Potter’s children—snapped back in time, the children themselves guessed, twenty or so years—was the most interesting thing to happen at Hogwarts for years.

A Sword Laid Aside by @korlaena (E, 128k)

When Draco’s cover is blown during a deep undercover operation and the Ministry is compromised, Ron takes Draco to the only safe place he can think of—Potter. Hiding out with a taciturn Harry Potter, who has been missing from the Wizarding World for almost two decades after a shocking fall from grace, is nothing like Draco thought it would be.

#asks #anon #Drarry reclist #d/s dynamic

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val-ur-pal · 20 days

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IN SEMI-DEFENSE OF JACKSON <3

Jackson hate is a little forced imo cause he’s really just a teenage boy battling depression and grief and is constantly stressed and anxious about things being out of his control for really no reason. Like you have to remember Jackson has known these people for only a couple of months at this point and they bullied him and Exer made his life shit for a good bit of it 😭 now I love Exer that’s my princess and Jackson has made mistakes but it’s what makes him an interesting and dynamic character, people complain all the time that Jackson is boring and one note but he’s really not if you pay attention to his flaws as character traits and not just “oh Jackson here we go again 🙄”

For just season 3 stuff so far he’s kept 1. leaving therapy a secret from Pam 2. Not telling anyone about the diary and Used the diary to manipulate Exer (both consciously and unconsciously) and 3. Spent time with the reds as a form of getting information and its kinda manipulation tbh so I just wanted to give my 2 cents on it in defense and criticism of Jackson cause he’s paralleling Exer in a lot of ways and it’s unfair that he gets shit on so much when Exer is loved and praised by the fandom (again Exer is my favourite character).

1. Leaving therapy a secret from Pam is not a good thing Jackson is doing, he shouldn’t have kept it from her and he shouldn’t have lied that it wasn’t that big of a deal because a big theme in this comic is that keeping secrets and lying really hurts people and relationships and you need to be open and honest with those you love. That being said it’s a really hard subject that he’s still getting over himself, therapy was a safe space for him where he was finally in control and was heard not just listened to. He’s still getting over this and he could barely even talk to Harry for weeks without feeling horrible so yea it’s a really troubling thing for him to think about. He told the detention kids because sometimes it’s easier to be open with friends who get the situation than your girlfriend who you don’t want to disappoint because she was so happy you were getting better and how do you tell her your world fell apart all over again and you’re scared. I’m not saying this excuses his actions I just think there needs to be a bit more understanding here, Jackson should have told her sooner and tell her that he’s not happy about it but he’s also not ready to talk about it just yet, it’ll be good for him to open up to Pam more instead of trying to keep up an illusion that he’s doing great but it’s a hard thing to shake.

2. Telling anyone about the Diary, especially Exer is not fucking easy at all. Some of you are making it sound like if he just told them everything would go smoothly and well and that he’s the bad guy for keeping it hidden. So go on and tell me how exactly you’d tell the person who bullied you over petty reasons that you might have accidentally manipulated and fabricated their feelings and that you’re the reason he apologized, you’re the reason he got a job and started over, you’re the reason he confessed as is dating his boyfriend and that none of it is real and that you did it all by accident. Because that’s exactly what Jackson thinks he did, while I don’t agree with Jackson’s theory he’s convinced of it himself. For all Jackson knows Exer really is that prick back in season 1 and the only reason he changed is cause he wrote it down. That’s a lot of weight on your shoulders especially the whole romance thing I mean Jackson wholeheartedly thinks he accidentally manipulated Exer into falling in love with someone and that’s a very heavy burden to carry cause wtf do you do with that as a 17 y/o depressed child. Not to mention that the Diary is his therapy journal so that’s his one healthy outlet destroyed and he feels guilty about ever coping using it so that only fuels his self hatred and mental health issues. All of this without mentioning he’s still grieving over his mother who gave him the damn thing and now he can’t even have that once connection he has with her because of course it’s tied to Exer the person who’s made his life so difficult up till now. NOW!! Pause, this does not excuse his actions but it does explain them, Jackson is not in the right here because at the end of the day he does need to talk to Ex about it because, accident or not, he’s manipulating him and he needs to know. It’s actually incredibly interesting how much this parallels to season 1 Exer, Exer who started purposely using his magic to cause harm and then slowly losing control and doing it by accident (all while not telling Jackson he has magic which made it hurt so much more) versus Jackson’s harm being on accident at first but now he’s experimenting and knowingly causing changes to Exer. This is a big flaw of Jackson’s, he wants to understand before he takes action but only in ways that benefit him. He wanted to understand Exer’s magic before he told Pam and now he wants to understand his own before he tells anyone and we all saw how that turned out with Pam and the others in season 1/2 so Jack’s definitely going to learn his lesson. Remember that if Exer got that mad cause he was jealous over petty things how do you think Jackson, who thinks he’s one of the only reason Exer became nice, thinks Exer is gonna react to something as big as this!!

3. This is a bad thing aaallll around and Jackson needs to stop 😭!!! Jackson hanging out with the reds just because he wants to study Exer is not a good thing but it’s an interesting character flaw!! This goes back to what I was saying earlier, he wants to know and understand and will fixate on it so bad he neglects the consequences. Not only is he harming the reds by manipulating them into thinking he cares and is friends with them he’s also really hurting himself. As much as I would love for them all to be friends again, Jackson just isn’t in that headspace right now where he can. He’s so obsessed with the magic and how it’s affected him that he can’t get over the bullying, he can’t get over how Exer used his magic to hurt him, he can’t get over him hurting Pam, he can’t accept the many apologies, he hasn’t even accepted that Exer wasn’t in control all the time. He just can’t move on. He needs to move on and not because what happened wasn’t hurtful and is all in the past now (it’s been like 2 months since Halloween mind you) but because he needs to let go and prioritize himself instead of holding onto all this anger. He’s not just an asshole who can’t get over being bullied (which like even if he was that’s valid to a degree), he’s so obsessed with regaining control of his life and understanding what the fuck is going on that he’s actively choosing to hurt himself to hang out with people he doesn’t like. He doesn’t have to be their friends and he doesn’t have to forgive them, yes they’ve gotten better and yes they’re sorry but tbh if my bullies apologized and everything I would not forgive them and I’d certainly not be friends with them. They just need to go their separate ways until Jackson knows what he wants. But it’s hard. Being 17 and struggling with mental health (IN THE 80s!!) is very very hard and that’s before you even begin with the magic shit so cut him some slack.

Anyways this was so long and rambley I’m sorry, I just don’t love the Jackson hate I see when he and Exer are so similar but he doesn’t get the grace of being adored and pawed at. Do I love Jackson? Not as much as I do Exer but I get him, I get being a teen trying to save myself while everything around me keeps trying to push me down so I respond in anger and I’m so over everyone being so mean to him. I could go on for ages and make more points but that’s it for now so!!!! Anyways support Paola on patreon 🩷🩷🩷

#jackson’s diary #jacksons diary #webtoon #Jackson smith #I didn’t proof read this #ramble #I’m dyslexic #also autistic over this comic if you couldn’t tell #idk what to write here tbh #can you tell I don’t use tumblr #man I was supposed to draw fanart before yapping away #it’s a webtoon it’s not that serious BUT IT IS TO ME SO #exer campbell #pamela lopez #comic #Jackson #sighh idk let’s leave the poor boy alone #people can hate him just like let him get up

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pebblysand · 2 months

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HERE WE GO! WELCOME TO THE PAGE PALS PROJECT! THIS IS YOUR CONVERSATION STARTER FOR CHAPTER ONE. FEEL FREE TO SEND IN ASKS OR JOIN THE DISCORD FOR MORE!

HANDY LINKS/INFO:

chapter: i. out of sand (baby girl)

wordcount: 10, 157

playlist: notes here

castles FAQ: here

g e n e r a l t h o u g h t s:

I felt very emotional, beginning this chapter. There is a sense of finality in this project that I hadn't quite grasped before. This is - in all probability - the last time I read this fic. This is the last time I read this chapter. A chapter I have read dozens of times in the past few years - every time I was stuck, every time I needed to 'get back in.' Most of these paragraphs roll off the tip of my tongue when I read them out loud, because I've seen them so many times. And, I know that for you, reading this, this might not be the last time. Because you will go back, re-read this fic as many times as you like for as long as the internet exists. But I won't. That's not how my brain works, and I need to put projects behind me. To make room for new ones. And, so there is a sense of excitement, yes, reaching the end, but also a sense of grief.

If everything goes well, and if I do post the last chapter when I intend to, castles will have been four years of my life, almost to the day. COVID came and went, so did a couple of jobs, a relationship, a parent. I recently listened to an interview from Alexandre Astier where he described meeting someone in a supermarket once, who asked for an autograph for her husband. 'Ah, he's a massive fan,' she said. 'Though, to be honest, I never got into your work myself.' He was talking about how, for 'normal' people, people who aren't artists, someone else's art is just that: something that you like or don't like. But, for us, it's a part of ourselves. It's thousands of hours of work. And, sometimes, I wonder what castles says about me. What these thousands of hours have come down to. If I die tomorrow, which I hope I do not, this is one the things that I will leave behind me. And, so: what does it say about me? I mean: beyond the politics and the feminism and the quirky little interests. I mean: me, as a person. What do castles readers know about me? I'm not sure I even want to know.

t h e r e - r e a d:

I really enjoyed re-reading this chapter. It's funny to me how for you guys, depending on when you started the fic, you might have read multiple versions of this. I didn't make any big changes, nothing massive, but I did add a couple of scenes/lines here and there throughout the years, I'm curious to see whether you will notice.

in terms of the chapter itself, i think one of the things i like most about it is how it flows. it has that very distinctive castles prose to it, with the timeline that moves back and forth, the run-on sentences, the spiralling in and out of scenes. i recently got a comment on ff.net (lol) that said the chapter was messy and unreadable. and i think in a way, i like that. because frankly, if that bothers you in chapter 1, then you're probably not the right person for this fic, you know? i think chapter one serves its function well. a first chapter is supposed to be an intro, a taste of what you will read next, and i think it is perfect in that. it introduces the plot, the dynamic between the characters. it's long enough to signal that this isn't a fic where you'll read fifteen chapters in half an hour. i think you can read chapter one and tell if this is a fic you'll enjoy or not. and, that's what i want, really. that's what a first chapter should do.

having said that, i think there are two things i want to specifically dive into.

t h e h y p o:

early in the writing of castles, i used to get a lot of criticism about my version of post-war harry and ginny. particularly, there seems to be a subsection of the hinny-shipping crowd that basically thinks that harry and ginny would just meet after the war, scream at each other (or, that at least, ginny would be angry at harry for leaving her behind), kiss and make up, and pour their hearts out to each other about past events. specifically, these people believe that ginny is very good at weeding secrets out of harry, at getting him to talk, and thus the events of castles are not canon compliant with both of these characters.

i feel like objectively, it's not really my place to say whether that's correct. i think multiple versions of the same thing can be 'correct' depending on how you write them. but, if that's what floats your boat, if you have a very strong headcanon about this, then fine - by all means, go read something else (again, that's also the point of chapter 1). but i think this hypothesis sort of stuck in my head for a while, in light of the comments i was getting, because i couldn't help but wonder if that version of things isn't simply an idealised version of reality.

because, to read the books strictly: 1) ginny's anger at harry isn't obvious. you could argue it is there but she's actually quite calm in the break up scene. i am not sure she is that angry with him, especially when you think that she's just been through a war, lost a brother, etc. i think ginny is someone who knows there is a time and place for anger, and who is also incredibly strong and resilient. she still kisses him even after the break-up, after he's clearly decided to leave her behind , so i'm not sure she would lash out in these circumstances. additionally, 2) there's actually not that much evidence that harry and ginny talk to each other - ever. they're a hot and heavy thing, but they don't share much emotional stuff on screen. you can interpret the 'sunlit days' however you want, in the absence of further information, but it's not a given that ginny ever shares anything of importance about her past or her traumas, like what happened with tom. the one scene everyone always points to is the 'lucky you' scene, but that's a mutual understanding more than it is a conversation. she actually never mentions anything beyond very utilitarian details meant to help harry realise he's not being possessed. and, harry never canonically tells ginny about anything of importance in his life either.

and so what all of these comments drove me to do, a few months ago (i think i added this in september 2023) was to link that to the theme of those early chapters of castles. because one of the key elements of chapters 1-3, specifically, is this idea of the lifeline. of the way harry and ginny have spent months, at this point, idealising each other, idealising their reunion, for it to later come crashing down on them. and so i thought i would use the opportunity of chapter one to 1) try and address the 'criticism' above, and 2) make it fit within the world of castles. it led to this:

In his head, their reunion would have been something sweet, like her lips moving against his, the taste of the raspberry-flavoured lip balm she used to wear the year before. He would have confessed to all of his sins, to almost dying, to Hallows and Horcruxes, to the fear and the nightmares, to leaving her behind. ‘I’m sorry,’ he would have said. ‘I am so, so sorry.’ And, he would have tried to explain like he did last year, that all he ever wanted was to protect her, to keep her safe, and she would have yelled. Shouted at the top of her lungs in a rapid succession of angry jabs about what an arsehole he was. ‘I can take care of myself!’ she would have thrown back. ‘You left me!’ He would have looked to his feet. With time, he hopes that they would have fixed it. In reality, though, Ginny Weasley hands him a toothbrush that morning, as he sits back on his heels. Her stare digs holes into the side of his face and he wonders if, had he been Hermione or Luna (had he been a friend, still), she would have cajoled him. Handed him a wet towel for his forehead. Instead, she closes the door behind her on her way out. ‘You should shower,’ she says.

i love the sort of whiplash effect this scenes gives, of the fantasy v. post-war reality, which is obviously a massive theme in castles. and i also love the way it subtly signals that ginny might have changed (just like he has) throughout the war. because, obviously, she has, and we later find out why.

s e x a n d f u n e r a l s:

i cannot express how attached i am to that scene, and to that line in particular. i think there's a number of reasons for this:

first, it's the line that basically motivated me to start castles for real in 2020. i have said this before in other posts but i started drafting some sort of post-war hinny fic as early as 2007. i never finished anything, then when i was 17 (2010), i did a re-read and actually drafted something new. then dropped it again. and, that file transferred from laptop to laptop, from file to file for ten years without me touching it much. until covid came and i was looking through my drive, and i tenderly read what 17-year-old me had written back then, including this 'first time' sex scene which, to be honest, has mostly remained untouched in the final version of this. and, i remember finding it, reading it, and thinking the rest of what i had written was a bit cringe, but that one scene seemed to work. and then, i got to the (now famous) line: to him, the spring of '98 is about sex and funerals, and thought fuck, that's a good line. like, a really good line. and i didn't want to let it go to waste. and, so, four years later, here we are.

i think that line is a very good symbol of what this story is about. 'sex and funerals' - it's a metaphor for how life is about the good and the bad things. that they co-exist as one single entity, and that the beauty of what we do, of the way we live, resides somewhere in between. it's why i chose it as the summary back then, and why it is still the summary now. i really built the entire fic around that line. so, yeah, 17-year-old jo, you already had something going for you, darling.

l a s t l y:

a thought i had while re-reading (and please don't come at me for this), is that... this could have been a one-shot. like, it really could have. i finished chapter 1 and there's a sort of finality to it, isn't there? like, i'm glad i continued this fic, but part of me thinks that all i've been trying to say in the past four years actually is in this chapter. obviously, not as detailed or subtle, but it's there, you know? it could have been a one-shot, lmao.

but anyway, i'm curious, did you guys enjoy your re-read? did you notice the changes i made throughout the years? did you enjoy them? feel free to send me an ask or join the discord server to discuss. i'm so excited to get this discussion started and hear your thoughts!

#castles #chapter 1 #and so it begins

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danpuff-ao3 · 1 year

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2022 Standouts - Yet Another Rec List

Okay, LISTEN. There was lots of greatness to be had in 2022. This is not my fault. This is all of your faults. This is what you all get for having so much talent and passion for fandom!! Some of us are overly excitable and chatty and can't shut up!!

In fairness, one can never spread too much goodness and positivity. If I talk about the same fics, the same creators, and make new lists every other day, it's all born out of love and appreciation, which the world could use plenty of! And with that said, these are all my own opinions and preferences so please keep that in mind!

So...here we go?? Should I do a Top 22???? That seems fitting.

1.) Post Mortem [fic, Snarry, E, 17k] by @inarticulateimbecile. I'm still dying over how fabulous this is. The characterizations, the dynamic, the descriptions...chef's kiss, truly. This might be one of my new favorites. (Also this Snarry art they did as a runner up, though all of their art just does things to me.) (I really would have thought art would have been their mention on this list, but no, they had to go be a great writer, as well!! Rude of them, really.)

2.) Slipping [fic, Snarry, 11k] by @bluesundaycake are you kidding me???? This is fabulous. Gritty postwar story that is too real with our hero, Harry, not "living up" to his potential, and not having the happily ever after he so deserves with a bittersweet, hopeful ending. Just lovely.

3.) The Lover and the Boytoy [fic, Drucius, Snaco, Draco/Snape/Lucius, E, 10k] by @fleetingdesires. Why the heck are my friends so talented?? This is offensive. And like...I clicked it for the Malfoycest?? And I left with Snucius feels?? What the heck. Just ??? Brain melted, all I can say.

4.) Clip, Ravel, Cleave [fic, Andromeda/Bellatrix, Andromeda/Ted, E, 15k] by @vdoshu. It was hard to narrow it down to one doshu work because wow they've done the dang thing this year!!!! So much great variety, but this one really blew me away. However toxic and dark the sisters' relationship was, I was rooting for them and heartbroken for them. What a beautiful, dark, sad story.

5.) Wind and Cardamom [podfic, Angelina/Hermione, G, 5 minutes] by JocundaSykes (fic by Arsenic). All of Joc's podfics are truly so, so good. Her voice work is always amazing and I easily can (and have!) listened to her read all day. Nothing like having a good fic read to you while doing chores, let me tell you!

6.) Lover's Flight [poem, Snarry, T, 200] by PinaNaponi (@vulnerasanenturmyprince.) My dear Nina is another case of "stupidly talented friends" and "hard to narrow down", but since I've waxed poetic about some of her other works recently, and in other lists, I figured I'd shed some light on this lovely thing. It's an adaptation of Goethe's "Elf King."

7.) Compulsory Figures [fic, Snarry, 6] by @liladiurne. Listen, my lovely Lila has arguably "better" works, and more "literary" works, but...her smut speaks to me, okay? I read this and was like "Ooooh, Lila can be FILTHY." I'm obsessed with it. Even back when it was just an idea and she was brainstorming it, I was obsessed. In fact, I was grocery shopping with my partner and being useless because I couldn't stay away from our DMs talking about said idea! Then she actually wrote and posted the dang thing and !!!! Obsessed.

8.) Some morning cuddles and coffee [art, Linny] by @luendland. Lu's snarry art is great, but they also do other ships (and characters) too and equally as lovely!! This Linny one speaks to my heart. It's so warm and lovely and gives me all the feels. I do digging for it to fawn over fairly often!

9.) Alphard's Favourite [fic, Sirius/Peter, Sirius/Alphard, M, 4k] by @thistlecatfics. Another top tier fic from Blackcest Fest! Not a ship I ever had interest in but oh gosh. The complicated characterization of Peter, the screwy interactions between him and Sirius, the way Sirius acts out as a way of dealing with trauma. It's such difficult subject matter treated in such a realistic manner. Not "good", not "easy", not "romantic", just that gritty, awful realness of how trauma impacts us, and how we don't always handle it in perfect, ideal ways.

10.) Untitled Harrymort Art [art, Harrymort] by @mrviran. I have no words. This isn't even my ship. But good golly is this spicy hot!! The corset! The sweat! Voldemort's smug, amused, mischievous little grin! Those red eyes and the red string!!!! Wooooo boy.

11.) Death and the Snarry [art, Snarry] by @necromanticnoir. This is another case of "I expected one thing from this creator, but my top choice for them is another??" Great writer is Noir, but also artist???? Multi-talented folk are killing me, I stg. And like...I need more Snarry versions of Klimt works, truly. So gorgeous!

12.) even the stars admire you [art, Snarry] by @acydpop. Speaking of Snarry versions of Klimt, THIS GORGEOUS THING. I'm so obsessed. Look at those colors!! Look at that embrace!!! Oh geez, I'm having feelings.

13.) Tom Riddle: interview with @phantomato [podcast] by @fanficmaverickpodcast. ChaosBlue is a great host and listening to writer interviews is always such a treat! And hearing what Phantomato had to say here was super fascinating, and made me much more intrigued by the Tom Riddle/Voldemort character!

14.) Snape's Hungry for a Snaco...[podcast, Snaco] by @careofmagicalshippers. Every episode of this podcast is great. Megs and Nathan are charismatic, hilarious, passionate hosts and listening to them chat is always such a fun time. Even guest episodes, even when Megs or Nathan is out, they have such interesting people to talk to and such interesting ships to talk about. This Snaco episode in particular spoke to me! (Especially since they went into it intending to cover Snack, but moved onto Snaco fairly quickly...I don't blame them!)

15.) When the Rose and the Fire Are One [ficbinding, Snarry] by @witchyficbindery. The fic by perverse_idyll is just stunning, as all of her works are! I believe earlier this year I was chatting about how I'd love to have fics on my shelf and what I imagined they might look like. And I thought "this fic would have to be STUNNING, just visually stunning." And midway through this year, I saw this post about an actual ficbinding of this fic! And...I was correct. And completely blown away. This cover is more gorgeous than I could have imagined. All of witchyficbindery's bindings are so, so outstanding. I can't imagine how they do it! But this one is the clear standout to me.

16.) 22 femslash recs from 22 years [rec list] by @consistentsquash. Squash always has the best recs, I stg!! Writer crushes I've had, but reccer crushes?? Such good taste, and always such good things to say. And this list especially is great with lots of gems for wlw content!

17.) Traid/Threesome recs [rec list] by @sitp-recs. Liv is a Queen Reccer, truly! This one is especially nice with options for Drarry+ ships, and non-Drarry ships, and a few bonus moresome fics! Lots of good stuff on this list, and more for me to check out! (RIP my TBR, fr.)

18.) The Bravest Man [fan-comic, Snarry, T] by @ac1d6urn. Acid is such a very skilled creator, both as a writer and an artist! The story, the characterizations, the art...all so stunning and perfect!

19.) Snitches and Songs [fic, Snarry, E, 50k] by @lizzy0305. When I tell you how PUMPED I was to see when this story was posted. Lizzy fic? Check. Severus sings? Color me intrigued. 'Magical tattoos'? Sign me UP. Then...I spent ages waiting to read it because I'm weird and like to "save" things that I know are going to be good. And I was right to save it! (Also: I should have read it sooner!) (Please don't expect my brain to do logic, because it will not.) What a gorgeous and enjoyable love story this was! My plan is to give this one a reread soon, actually; with luck, in January! (And I'll have the time and energy to do so!)

20.) A Life Worth Remembering [Snarco, E, 22k] by @writcraft. When Writ first reached out to me, I had to be like "okay, self, be cool. Don't fangirl and scare them off, okay?" Turns out, Writ is a lovely human and hearing they were coming back to Snarry had me just plain ecstatic!! And while Snarco isn't always my jam, I did know how invested they were in writing it, and couldn't resist checking it out! And I'm so glad I did!! One, because Writ's work is always fantastic. Two, because...I was sold on Snarco???? Maybe???? Or as close as I get to being sold. Geez Louise. It's such an interesting tale of de-aged Snape, the memories he lost, the established Drarry, and how they all come together. Their dynamic as a triad, and the individual pairs that make it up (Drarry, Snarry, and Snaco), and the individual people are all so lovely and well done!!

21.) Obedience Lessons [Snarry, E, 7k] by @likelightinglass. Um, how many times have I read this story this year? Too many, probably. (Is there such a thing as too many? Who knows.) ANYWAY. A/B/O with Alpha Harry and Omega Snape???? Yes please and thank you. All the kink and spiciness that I love. 100% did it for me (multiple times.)

22.) The Afterlight [Snarry, E, WIP] by @perverse-idyll. Good golly. Can I tell you how overjoyed I was when PI first posted this???? New PI Snarry???? All of my hopes and dreams coming true, awesome. And it's only 4 chapters in (out of ????) and so far, so GREAT. Postwar, death themes, gritty realism, A+++ characterizations, dark and spicy Snarry dynamic!!!! I don't often read WIPs (my patience is nonexistent, and not knowing how things end is bad for my anxiety (let's please not talk about my undying love and need of spoilers)), but this is totally worth it. I'll wait forever and a day for this fic if I have to. PI has been among my favorite authors for YEARS and for good reason. Characterization and relationships always so on point and exactly what I want and need. Not to mention gorgeous, stunning, unforgettable prose. The words that strike right through the heart, and burrow in to live there forever. Genuinely, PI's work is always stellar, and I already feel in my bones this will be a favorite. It's already the WIP I most look forward to update emails for! (Not that I have many, in fairness.) (Again, I generally steer clear of WIPs; no offense WIP writers. It's for my own good, I swear!) Side note: PI is another excellent human who I so appreciate knowing. Thanks for always taking time to listen to my babbling, especially knowing how busy you always are!

#danpuff recs #2022 fandom #fic recs #art recs #podfic recs #podcast recs #ficbinding recs #poetry recs #rec list recs

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nodirectionhome-ao3 · 4 months

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Hey, I wanted to ask you if you have any tips in writing Lily and Petunia’s relationship. I’m trying to write a fic about Petunia and Lily’s sisterly relationship and how it started off great but then completely shattered into pieces. I really love the way you characterize each of them, the qualities and personalities. For example, in ksfm, the part where Petunia doesn’t show an ounce of remorse when Lily arrives to her home.

It really shows the differences between both sisters, thing is Lily would forgive Petunia for anything she did to her. But after knowing everything she did to Harry it’s just, the bridge of sisterhood was completely destroyed and for good reason. How did you come up with the scenes/flashbacks when Lily saw the memories of her son being neglected/hurt by her sister and brother in law?

At this point I surpassed “broken record” because ksfm is brilliant I hope you know this. I like that you didn’t shy away from the abuse that Harry went through and the rage that Lily felt. The complexity between Lily and Petunia is so interesting. They grew up in the same family, however they both went down two different paths. Not just magical vs muggle, the dynamic is unique in its own way.

personality wise, Lily is loving, caring and will do anything to protect the ones she loves. While, Petunia is vindictive, filled with jealousy that caused hatred to consume her. Which to be honest it’s something that every family has in real life, you could live in the same house, same parents and raised with the same morals. However, that means absolutely nothing when you go against everything, talking about Petunia here. Do you have any headcanons about these two sisters in particular?

I know, there’s lots of people who shouldn’t be parents, Hell… my sisters are bad parents and it fills me with absolute rage knowing they have children/teenagers when they don’t even love them. Example, one of my eldest sisters let her boyfriend implement “discipline” to her two boys by that it was making them kneel down as they held two thick books (like bibles) in each hand for over an hour during a cold shower, I found out about this after they told me a few years after, they felt trapped (I was only 13 when they told me this) My other sister calls my nieces (ages 9-18) horrid/degrading words everyday and anytime I speak out on that, she always says “your not a mom, but when you are you’ll do this very same thing” which boggles my mind because I would never (this is the same sister who is extremely racist and wants me to baptize her daughter like wth?)

sorry for the rambling but what I’m trying to say is thanks for showing how Harry grew up, because many times people don’t understand how horrid life could be. I feel you did a great job in showing this, yes it’s uncomfortable but it also helps so many people who have been through abuse and/or seen it firsthand.

Sorry for the multiple questions, 😅 I always try to condense my words but I end up adding more(Also, the moment Lily uses crucio on Vernon I listened to Bodies- Drowning Pool, because he deserves every bit of that from Lily.)

Hope you have a good day, friend ❤️

First of all, I just want to say that I'm so sorry for what your nieces and nephews have gone through. My heart aches to hear about that and I hope they're okay. I hope you're okay too, because I can't imagine how difficult that's been for you as well. I know this won't feel like much, but sending lots of love and hugs your way❤️🫂

As for your question, I think Lily and Petunia's relationship is so interesting and has the potential for so much depth. I definitely agree with your character analysis of both of them – it really is so fascinating how two people from the same family can end up so different! I like what you said about their relationship starting out good and then shattering as they grew up – that's definitely the headcanon that I went with in KSFM.

My approach to their backstory in KSFM is to think about their story in terms of two phases: phase one is before Lily (and her family) found out that she's a witch, and phase two is after. I like the idea that in phase one, Lily and Petunia were really close. I don't have a sister, but I do have a brother and all of my cousins are significantly older than me (at least a decade, most of them more), so I know from personal experience what it's like to grow up in a family where only one other person is close to your age. In my case, my brother and I were like partners in crime, fierce allies through it all. We were really close, because quite frankly there was nobody else we wanted to hang out with at family events (when our parents were with the other adults) and all the other various social things our parents would drag us to. That's sort of a tangent haha, but I'm just explaining where I'm coming from in this. I like the idea that Lily and Petunia were really close as little kids, particularly in those years before Lily knew what she was. I also think Lily definitely looked up Petunia growing up, because it's definitely a very natural thing for younger siblings to idolize the older one! Petunia might have even felt protective of Lily in those days, before the jealousy took over. In KSFM, Lily was homeschooled in her pre-Hogwarts days because her parents were so worried about the accidental magic (that they didn't understand) and what could happen to Lily if people found out about it. So Petunia and Snape were the only friends Lily had back then and I think, in those days, they both meant the world to her.

Their relationship started to sour when Lily found out (from Snape) that she was a witch. We obviously know from canon that Petunia was really jealous, and that jealousy was canonically what caused Petunia to become spiteful and (eventually) abusive. I also believe that Snape greatly exacerbated the growing divide between Lily and Petunia during those days. He obviously didn't like Petunia, and I think he wanted to drive a wedge between her and Lily so that he could have Lily for himself (that and the fact that he just clearly didn't like Muggles). I wonder if maybe a big part of Petunia's hatred for magic was Snape and the way he inserted himself into Petunia and Lily's lives. It's possible that if he hadn't done that, Lily and Petunia would've spent more time together as kids and maybe that would have tamed some of Petunia's jealousy. (Emphasis on maybe though because I don't want to let Petunia off the hook, she made her own choices about how she treated others.)

In writing KSFM, I wanted to add some more depth to Lily and Petunia's backstory because I didn't want Petunia to come off as a 3-dimensional villain purely motivated by jealousy. So, in KSFM, there's the added element of their mother's death and everything that came after it. I see that as the incident that fully doomed the sisters' relationship irreparably. It's a very tragic thing, because both of them were deeply hurt by it in different ways. For Lily, her father tried to protect her from the months of pain and didn't tell her that her mother was sick until she was on her deathbed, which is obviously a very horrible thing because Lily never got to say goodbye. I'm sure she also feels a certain level of enduring guilt because she wasn't there for her mother during that time, even though that's obviously not her fault since she wasn't told what was going on. On the other side, Petunia did know because she was there in Cokewoth through all of it, so she lives with the memory of those long months filled with hardship when her mother was in continuous decline. She probably did get to say goodbye, but that doesn't mean the experience was easy. It's just a different kind of pain.

All of this is an extremely long way of saying that Lily & Petunia both experienced a traumatic loss that affected the rest of their lives. Petunia's reaction to that was to externalize that pain and become bitter and spiteful. Lily's reaction was to internalize that pain and do everything she can to not let her loved ones feel it too. Petunia's backstory made her abusive while Lily's made her protective.

I also think you're right in that Lily would've kept trying to make amends with Petunia and likely never would've given up completely on their relationship if it wasn't for Harry. Petunia's treatment of her son makes her irredeemable to Lily. There's just no going back from something like that. It was really tough to write the flashbacks with Harry and the Dursleys because it's such a heartbreaking thing to think about but I knew it was important to the overall story to show it because Harry's childhood definitely affects him profoundly. I don't remember exactly how I approached writing that, but I was very conscious of the fact that even though Vernon was louder about it all, Petunia was just as cruel. If not more so. Treating Harry the way she did was her way of "getting back" at Lily for making Petunia feel so unappreciated and not being there for her during that difficult time with their mother (even though, like I said, none of that was Lily's fault). Petunia's logic is warped and twisted from spite, and Harry, sadly, is the one who suffered the consequences of that.

That's very long-winded (and I'm not sure I phrased it correctly) but I hope that helps? The fun thing from a writing standpoint is that we know very little about how Lily and Petunia grew up, outside of the small snapshots we get from canon, so there's so much freedom to create a dynamic relationship!

I can't wait to hear more about your Lily & Petunia fic. It sounds so interesting and I'm sure it will be brilliant!❤️

As always, thank you so much for your kind words about KSFM! I'm so so happy you're still enjoying it!!! (and sorry that this answer turned into a very long essay😅 Apparently I have a lot of thoughts!!)

Thanks for the ask!!❤️❤️❤️❤️

#kindly stopped for me #lily and petunia #the dursleys #tw: child abuse #character study

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lumosatnight · 11 months

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Talk to me about SNARRYYYYYY (had to sorry 😂) 💛

Send me a ship and I’ll give you my (brutally) honest opinion on it (and also maybe a fic rec).

Haha hi Danni!!

Initial impression: confusion, hesitance, a little weirded out. Wasn't Severus in love with Harry's mom? Isn't that kinda creepy to be dating Lily's kid?

Improved impression: UNHINGED SCREAMING. Wasn't Severus in love with Harry's mom? Yes, and that's why this ship is so interesting (although one could argue it was platonic love but that was definitely not what was written in canon). Isn't that kinda creepy to be dating Lily's kid? Yes, and it creates such a fascinating relationship dynamic. Harry's eyes, Lily's eyes. Who does Severus really see when he looks at Harry? How can he resist falling for Harry when he already fell so hard for Lily all those years ago (and still carries a torch for her)? Answer: he can't.

In terms of cross-gen pairings for Severus, Snarry is probably my favorite. I don't really see him as the type of person to go after one of his students unless it was under very pressurized circumstances. Say, for example, in the middle of a war and he's just trying to do his goddamm best at keeping this infuriating kid alive. I could also possibly see Snaco, but that's an essay for another day. Although Eldritcher has an amazing Snudley fic that I devoured.

Surprisingly enough, I also enjoy reading Snarry in different AUs, outside the HP universe or the war doesn't exist universes. I attribute that largely to you actually. You kept posting so many Snarry recs in the CoMS discord, and I kept clicking them haha. But I do think their underlying personalities remain. Severus is an insecure, bitter, ugly (yes ugly) man. He thinks the best years of his life were stolen from him. He does not see any reason to care. Harry is an impassioned, stubborn, reckless youth. He listens to Severus. He finds a way to get past that bitter exterior and in a way Severus lets him. He makes Severus feel seen when really that was all he ever wanted.

And wow, that turned into a whole essay. Apparently, I have more thoughts about Snarry than I thought. I've never written a full Snarry fic, but I am oh-so-tempted by the Snarry AUctober Fest.

My ship rating: Snarrytastic

My fic rec: Miraculous by @liladiurne [E, 15.5k]

When Severus finds out that the gorgeous and charming young man Lucius set him up with, the one who's accompanying him to his mother's charity ball, is really a hired escort, he is furious and disappointed. At first. But then he realises he can use this to his advantage. After years of celibacy, he's finally found someone he connects with, someone who understands him. And this time, Severus actually has the means to see him again. Or the money. But if money's what it takes to spend time with Harry, then he's more than willing to drain his family's fortune. In an unexpected twist of faith, he might not need to.

(been thinking a lot about this fic recently and ik you've already read it because i'm pretty sure you're the one who recc'ed it on the server, but it keeps spinning around in my head. soooo goood)

#ask game #ship asks #asked and answered

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arcielee · 8 months

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Interview With a Writer

Thank you @fairysluna for taking the time to answer my questions and giving us a BTS to your brilliant one-shot! 💜 Interview With a Writer is my ongoing series of the talented souls on Tumblr and ao3, and their brilliant writing!

Dividers by @saradika 💜

Name: fairysluna

Story: the summer island.

Paring: Aegon II Targaryen x Female!Reader

Warnings: fluff, mentions of parental neglect, nudity (not in a sexual way), cursing, golden retriever and black cat dynamic

So, when did you start writing?

Okay, it's a bit embarrassing 💀 so I started to write since I was like 12, just silly, stupid stories about One Direction because I loved them so much (specially Harry). I've also written for the Harry Potter Universe and 5SOS... but it wasn't until I watched HOTD that I started to write in English and actually finish a story.

Where did the plot for the summer islands come from?

The plot came from a request; if I remember correctly an anon sent me an ask requesting a fluff story with Aegon escaping with the reader and having a picnic with Sunfyre by their side.

I took the idea and molded it to what you read there, and also because I wanted to play with the black cat/golden retriever trope that I love so much.

Can you expand on your interpretation of Aegon? What drives him? Why is he the way he is in TSI?

Well, the same things that happened on the show, I guess. Aegon is someone who grew up in an abusive/manipulative environment, and I think that his position as a Targaryen prince has made him an easy target to people that view him just as someone that has money and a high rank in society.

Which is why I tried to make him reluctant to trust in the reader at first, since is the first time he meets someone who's not interested in what he can give, so it's weird for him. He didn't trust in her at first because he's used to people just wanting to use him.

Was there anything in specific that inspired your Reader portrayal?

I don't think so... though I knew from the start that I wanted to make her like this bubbly, oblivious character because it's the opposite of Aegon's personality. I thought it was the appropriate way to do it since she was in isolation most of her life, so she was untainted by the world. She's the ray of sunshine Aegon needed in his life.

Why do you think your Reader compliments Aegon so well?

I had in mind that Aegon escaped his life in King's Landing because the pressure of wearing the crown was too much for him to handle. He wanted to go to the free lands and live as he pleased but we know that doesn't happen.

He meets the Reader and, in my opinion, is like fresh air for him; she's someone that doesn't know who he is, and it's the first person who shows that she genuinely cares about him and actually listens to him; she cuts his hair, lends him her bed so he can be comfortable, and he feels seen for the first time. She gives him this sense of freedom that he craved so bad... and I think that's why he falls in love with her. He just needed love.

[Source.]

What inspired Sunfyre's chaterization is in TSI?

I just got inspired by cats. I love them so much and they're so stubborn... Sunfyre gives me orange cat vibes, which can be chaotic but at the same time they're such sweet things. Also cats perceive people's energy, and that's why Sunfyre didn't mind the reader touching him or getting too close to him.

Will there be an epilogue?

I don't think I will write more about them, because I'm actually happy with the closure that I gave them... in my head they will live in that small cottage for eternity, and maybe create a family, but that's it.

#iwaw #iwaw16 #interview with a writer #bts #of their brilliant writing #writing community #the summer islands

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thatsparrow · 14 days

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post-dead man's chest rewatch thoughts

- (which number rewatch is this? how many times have I seen these movies since they first came out? couldn't possibly tell you)

- the opening scene is such a great mood-setter, and I think also exemplifies what makes these movies so fun when they're at their best (and from what I recall of the later entries, one of the most immediate places where they trip themselves up.) I am always having my most fun watching a pirates of the caribbean movie when it is being simultaneously earnest and self-indulgent—completely buying into its own concepts while also not taking itself too seriously—and that's what we get at the start of dead man's chest. the rain in the tea cups. elizabeth in her soaked wedding dress. will marched up in irons. on the one hand, it's a little cheesy, but it's all in service of something very sincere. the relevant information is that elizabeth and will were meant to be getting married, and that's been interrupted by will's arrest, but then we get all these fun set-dressing elements that aren't strictly necessary but heighten and underscore the emotions in visually dynamic, compelling ways

- all of that was a long way of saying that I like the opening scene, which I do! for all the above reasons, and because fundamentally I'm a sucker for will/elizabeth

- I think cutler beckett is a great villain, and tom hollander does such a fantastic job (obviously this is not within his control, but I love that he's a little short—the fact that he doesn't seem that physically imposing is then turned on its ear so effectively by his absolute surety and ruthlessness). narrative-wise, I also think it's a great way of raising the stakes from the 1v1 of jack and barbossa in the first film (which we still get in a sense with jack and davy jones, but now with the added looming threat of the entire east india company in the background)

- man, what's the point of the whole cannibal island sequence. just to call back to the "and then they made me their chief" line in black pearl? jack's afraid of the open ocean, so is the thinking that they moored at the first island they found (presumably where they also wouldn't be arrested for being pirates?) it just feels like such unnecessary, manufactured danger, and for what? okay, will found jack, and all but like 8 of the crew have been eaten/killed (relevant when jack tries to bargain with jones for his life) but surely there were more interesting, more plot-relevant, more character-driven ways of accomplishing that

- tia dalma is great, and so is naomie harris! I don't know if they were already planning for her to be calypso at this point, but I love the look of irritation she gives gibbs when he's like, "so was it the sea or a woman that davy jones loved?" and she says "both"

- I think this movie really glosses over jack's selfishness—or at least, it doesn't address it in the ways I want it to be addressed. we know he's selfish already, he makes it clear throughout black pearl that his first priority is himself, he's intending to screw will over from the jump if it means he gets the pearl back, but ultimately his and will's/elizabeth's goals align re: defeating barbossa, and so we don't actually see what would have happened if he had the choice to trade one of his allies lives for something he wanted. granted the stakes are higher in dead man's chest (his own life as opposed to the black pearl), but the whole movie, it's clear there is no one jack won't sacrifice if it means his own survival, and I don't think it's ever properly acknowledged. he tricks will onto the dutchman, tells him to say "jack sparrow sent me to settle his debt," which will doesn't have context for, but we do, and likely so does the rest of the pearl's crew listening, and that it's jack saying, will, tell davy jones that you're giving up your life for mine. and I guess, yeah, will has made it clear that he doesn't think of jack as a friend, and jack has no special loyalty to will at this point, but it's also not like there's no history between them—they were allies, they have taken turns saving the other, but now here's jack willing (no pun intended) to trade will's life for his own, seemingly without a second thought

- i love the design of the flying dutchman and jones' crew—a) it fucks tremendously and b) what a cool yet horrifying visual interpretation of these sailors who would have died at sea being literally reclaimed by it

- it's WILD to me that, in full view of the crew, jack makes the bargain with jones to trade 100 souls for his own (including will's!) and everyone, including gibbs, is like, hey sure thing captain, let's set sail for tortuga to find a bunch of dumb suckers we can trick into signing away their souls. no questions or concerns here. it's just baffling to me that at no point does anyone within the story question what's happening. jack, is your life really worth the lives of 100 other men? can we live with ourselves after misleading them into making this bargain? does will deserve this? do any of them deserve this? you already got like two-thirds of the crew killed while hiding out on cannibal island from jones and the kraken, and now you want to condemn 100 more men to death? at what point is enough, enough? maybe it's just me, but it feels like the movies sometimes swing into this place of expecting like, unquestioning loyalty from their audience when it comes to rooting for jack, like of course we all buy into the premise that saving jack is worth whatever it takes (to the point that rescuing him from the literal afterlife is the cliffhanger on which this movie ends)

- love the liar's dice scene, love stellan skarsgard's look of absolute horror when he realizes will is on the dutchman, love all of their interactions! the moment where bill is helping him escape and says something to the effect of, it'd be a lie to say I didn't feel the need to leave and find work at sea, but it'd also be a lie to say I didn't enjoy it

- man, the organ/music box motif, the complementary melody with tia dalma's, so good!! (although I feel like this watch, I only just appreciated how far forward davy jones is leaning over the organ so his tentacles can reach the upper rows of keys. like, he's really getting low over that organ)

- love the worldbuilding detail of how jones summons the kraken—practically, of course sending out this massive vibration would be the best way to catch the attention of something under the sea, and visually the build of the hammer rising and rising before the ominous heavy fall works so well

- (oh man, also, jones sending the kraken after that merchant ship and will escaping. one of jones' crew saying "maybe he was claimed by the sea" and jones immediate, furious "I am the sea" yes yes yes)

- when I was younger, I don't think I paid as much attention to what's happening politically between governor swann and beckett, but the whole sequence of him breaking elizabeth out of prison, that he's cashing in on the little loyalty and influence he still has, mercer murdering the captain at the docks, and governor swann now a political pawn for beckett to use on the promise of sparing elizabeth's life—all very compelling! so much of these movies seem to be about power in very immediate physical senses (who has a sword or gun, who's pointing it at whom, danger as something that can be escaped or overcome in the moment, an enemy in front of you that you can run from or attack), that then zooming out to beckett's institutional power, the dread that instills, how that motivates threatens compels norrington, elizabeth, will, and the governor—it's all so good

- i've said it before, I'll say it again, elizabeth disguising herself as a man while looking for will awoke something in me no less than any of her most iconic scenes in the first movie

- (I can't possibly call out all the specific shots I really love, that's what gifsets are for, but honorable mention to the shot of elizabeth's wedding dress sinking in the wreckage of the edinburgh trader with the music box melody in the background)

- way back at the beginning, when beckett mentions an arrest warrant for norrington, there's that reference to him having left port royal, and with most franchises, I'd assume that'd be their one-line way of saying the actor isn't going to be in this one, but no! I love having norrington show up in tortuga, drunk and disgraced, with no need to affect any of the restraint or decorum he had while being a commodore, and now he's blunt and reactive and so much fun to have on screen (would the old norrington have made that remark about elizabeth seeming attracted to jack? absolutely not! is it delightful that he's now in a position to notice and remark so freely on it, and that the observation hits so different coming from him, a man who sought elizabeth's love and was rejected, than it would from anyone else? yes absolutely!)

- but okay, speaking of jack and elizabeth—yes, I buy that elizabeth is attracted to jack, that he represents all the freedom adventure and excitement of piracy that she's found so enchanting since she was a kid, and of course I buy him trying to chase her as well, and I think it's a dynamic that nicely tees up the moment at the end of the movie when she distracts him with a kiss to handcuff him at the mast BUT I do quibble with its effect on the compass. like, there's attraction, sure, but it's a whole other set of implications to say that there are moments where jack is what elizabeth wants most in the world (cmon.)

- the isla cruces set piece!! god, sprawling dynamic swordfights that make the most of every aspect of their surroundings in inventive ways is such a staple and highlight of the potc films (though I do think this sequence also has some of the most examples of like, cheesy slapstick humor. which isn't a thing that bothers me on its face! but I do think the later potc films especially turn to those sorts of jokes as a way to undercut some of the sincerity, the old wink and nod at the camera, haha wasn't that crazy, looking at YOU sequence with dozens of jacks in the locker) — anyway, tremendous shout outs to jones' crew rising out of the surf, the flying dutchman exploding up out of the water, the absolute classic water wheel fight, elizabeth pintel and ragetti trading swords as needed while they jointly fight their way back to the ship, norrington stealing the heart! so fun, so much of the same energy of the cavern fight from black pearl (one of my absolute favorite scenes from the first movie)

- alright. okay. the kraken coming after the black pearl. what we've been building up to this whole movie. I like will using his prior experience of seeing the merchant ship being attacked to strategize how to best counter the kraken. I like that jack initially takes the last life boat and leaves! I think it's a very realistic conclusion to the, "to hell with everyone else, I am only interested in saving myself" attitude he's had for so much of the movie. I do like him looking back at the pearl being attacked and having a change of heart. I don't like that the movie seems to use that change of heart as a way of glossing over most of his prior actions (like, well he came back to help them fight this one time, and so see, he's fundamentally a good man, he was there when it counted, what about those 100 other men he was going to trade for his own soul? don't worry about it) the elizabeth/jack kiss would bug the absolute hell out of me except for the fact that it's her ploy to handcuff him to the mast, which is perfect. it's something will would never do, but elizabeth absolutely is calculating enough to realize the kraken won't stop chasing them if jack survives, and is ruthless enough to sacrifice his life for theirs. I like the look jack gives her once he realizes what she's done, a little disappointed, a little proud, fundamentally not surprised. I like that she's the one who forces jack to stop running (if he wasn't compelled to face the kraken, when would it have been over? how desperate would he have continued becoming in pursuit of saving his own life?)

- geoffrey rush descending the stairs as barbossa. peak ending. no notes. how I've missed you.

#pirates of the caribbean #me rereading this. quoting that one member of the black pearl when he jostles the gangplank so elizabeth falls off. “too long!”#kidding. kind of! this is a lot more than I intended. apologies to the dash (but also it was fun to write. so I can't be all that sorry)#alright at world's end next let's gooo #kayla posts

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