#I'm not pressuring myself to like him or anything I just don't understand anything about kaneki these days and I don't know why | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

sweetsweetjellybean · 1 year

Note

20. Okay so this is totally for myself. But I’ve found out that it is so so so hard for me to cum from guys like I’ve never cum with guys. Anyways because of this reader doesn’t want to have sex with Steve because we all know he has experience and she feels embarrassed. So each time it gets close she just jumps away and makes a random excuse. One day he sits her down to talk about and she’s like well it just takes me a lot to cum and I don’t mind helping you but I prob won’t get off and didn’t want to disappoint you and our Stevie boi is like fuck yeah challenge accepted. And idk what to do from there because this is my situation and I just need a Stevie to have patience with me and help me 🥺

I love you so much

Alright, kitten. I changed around a few things but I hope you like it.

Come Together | Steve Harrington

TW: Fem Reader, Soft boyfriend Steve, Smut, creampie

"Tell me, sweetheart. There's nothing to be embarrassed about. Whatever it is, we can figure it out," Steve says, lightly brushing his fingers along your heated cheek.

Tightening your arms around your knees, you rub your feet nervously over the quilted bedspread that covers your bed. Steve asked you out a month ago, and you've been seeing each other ever since. And God, you really liked him. Ever the gentleman, he hasn't tried to pressure you into anything physical. Everything that has happened between you has been something you wanted.

The problem is you. You can't cum, not by your hand and certainly not by anyone else's. The only time you've ever had an orgasm is with your vibrator, which is hidden in a little bag in your nightstand drawer. Friends have told you it's not a big deal, lots of women need a little extra stimulation to finish, but for you, it was the kiss of death in your previous relationships. Guys took it like some kind of challenge, and things between you fizzle out when it doesn't happen. So whenever things turn hot and heavy with Steve, you distract him with a blowjob and end the night.

But that doesn't seem to be cutting it anymore. He wants to touch you, to fuck you, and you know if you let him, it will be the beginning of the end. He's felt how you tense up when his fingers trace over your panties. He's also felt the wetness. He knows you want him, and he doesn't understand. If you don't come clean, you might lose him anyway.

He's leaning on his elbow stretched out across your bed, shirtless, the button of jeans already opened, a lock of hair falling over his forehead, and his hazel eyes studying your face. Grabbing one of your pillows, you hold it against your face as you admit your problem.

"I can't hear you with a pillow over your face," he chuckles, pulling it out of your hands.

"I don't have orgasms," you end up almost shouting, and you can feel the blood rushing to your face. His eyes widen, but he lets you tell him the entire sordid tale without interrupting.

"So, I can go down on you or whatever you'd like, but you don't have to try to...reciprocate," you finish. In your experience, this is where he takes the blowjob and doesn't call. There's an ache in your chest at the thought of losing Steve. It hasn't been that long, but there is something between you, like a flower that hasn't yet bloomed, delicate, and growing towards the sun.

He blows out a breath and rubs his hand through his hair, "I really like you," he says, taking your hand, "Like really like you, but I don't want to just get off and leave. I want whatever we do to be something we can share together. I'm not gonna be some kind of jackass and act like I know your body better than you do. But maybe there is another way to approach this? Is this something we can talk about?"

"Yeah, okay," your voice comes out small and shaky.

He presses a kiss to your knuckles before he continues, "Does it feel good when I touch you?"

Letting out a breath you didn't know you had been holding, you nod your head and lick your lips, "It feels really good."

One side of his mouth raises in a soft smile, "You make me feel good too," he leans forward, brushing his lips softly over yours, "I might not be able to make you cum, but I want to touch you and make you feel good, will you let me?" His smoldering eyes hold yours with such intensity you can't imagine ever denying him.

"Please," you sigh, your mouth already drifting towards him.

He closes the gap between you, his plush lips covering yours in absolutely no rush, tasting you, letting his tongue tangle with yours, stealing your breath and filling you up with his. He kisses you until your sighs have turned to moans, and your hands wander up and down his chest.

"You are so beautiful," he tells you, with a dreamy look on his face as he brushes your mouth with his thumb, "Can I see more of you?" his hand moves to the hem of your shirt, fingers dipping underneath rubbing the soft skin of your stomach.

"Yes," a warmth floods your core, "Can…can I see you too?"

He nods, returning his mouth to yours. Clothes come off between kisses, scattered and forgotten on the floor. His hands glide over your skin, leaving tingling trails behind while his warm chest presses you into the mattress, the bristly hair rubbing against your hard nipples.

"Tell me what feels good, okay? I want to hear it," he says, kissing his way down the column of your neck, pausing every so often to suck and lick the sensitive skin.

"That feels good," you moan and feel his cock jump against your thigh. He's enjoying you without expectations, and knowing that adds a layer of trust you hadn't felt before.

When he cups your breast, and his mouth closes over your nipple, you pant and arch into him. Little electric jolts under your skin send shivers through your body as he sucks your nipple into a hard peak. "Steve…" you gasp, unable to finish your sentence.

"Does my girl like having her tits sucked?" he asks while his hands knead your breasts.

"Yes," your hands run through his hair, holding him to you as his lips work your other breast. The things he's saying and the soft groans at your responses are turning you on just as much as the attention he's giving your body. Wetness coats your thighs as you rub them together, trying to find some relief for your aching core.

"Where else do you want my mouth?" He works his way down your chest and kisses the ridge of your hip, "tell me, sweetheart," he slides his hand up and down your thigh moving closer to your center with each pass.

"My pussy…I want your mouth on my pussy," you move up to your elbows, the look on his face, his blown-out eyes, has you throbbing. Your words are getting bolder, and your confidence grows as you watch him grinding his hips into the mattress.

His hands move to the inside of your thighs, spreading you open, "You're so wet. Is this for me?" he asks, kissing your puffy folds before his tongue darts out to kitten-lick your clit.

"It's for you, Steve. It feels so good," the wanton noises you make spur him on. He adds more pressure and takes longer licks teasing your pulsing entrance before reaching your swollen bundle of nerves, your hips shoot off the bed when his lips suction around it. He holds you in place as he relentlessly sucks your clit, something you can't remember anyone doing in the past. Your head is dizzy and fogged with pleasure when he releases you and moves back up your body.

"I want you to show me," he slides his tongue into your mouth, and you taste yourself on his lips. "Show me what you do when you're alone. Where's your vibrator?" he asks before going back to kissing you.

His request has you tensing up, but he kisses you through it, running his hands softly over your pussy and up your stomach to your breasts. He asks you again once you've relaxed, and you direct him to your nightstand.

"I want to make you feel good now," you protest slightly as your small bullet slips out of the bag into the palm of his big hand.

"Trust me," he says, passing you the toy, "seeing you like this is making me feel good. I want to watch you, baby," he leans on his side and spits in his hand before stroking himself. His saliva mixes with the cum leaking from the red tip of his cock, making his slow motions smooth as he waits for you to join him.

More slick drips from your entrance, and pleasure spreads throughout your body when you press the vibrating toy to your clit.

"This feels so good," he says, dipping his head to kiss you, his movements speeding up, "You've got me so hard and needy for you," he groans when you start rocking your hips, "Tell me how it feels."

"So good," you mewl, sloppily returning his kiss.

"Can I finger you?" his hand moves from his cock to your thigh.

"Mmmm, yeah," you sigh, pressing the toy down harder.

His finger swirls around your entrance, coating him in slick before he slowly pushes into you, "You're so tight," a pleased hum follows his words as he moves in and out of you.

The slight stretch, the added sensation, has you aching, you want more from him, you want him to fill you, "Steve, I want you inside me."

His motions falter, but he quickly recovers, "I am inside you," he knows what you want, but he wants to hear you say it.

"Please. Will you fuck me?" you desperately plead.

"Goddamm," he groans, kissing you frantically, "I want to so much. Are you sure?"

"Yes. I need you," you confess.

He's up in a flash, wrapping his arms around your thighs to pull you to the edge of the bed. His eagerness makes you smile, but the want in his eyes quickly increases your need for him.

He glides himself through your folds, gathering your wetness, "I want you to keep touching yourself. I'm going to go nice and slow. Let me know what you need. Even if you want me to stop, okay?"

"Okay," you nod, his tenderness adding an ache to your heart that matches the one in your core.

He hisses as he pushes inside you. The intense stretch has you throwing your head back, a slight sting mixing with your pleasure. He's bigger than anyone you've been with, and he makes room inside you that hadn't existed before. A cry leaves your lips when he hits a spot you didn't know was there.

"Did that hurt? Are you okay?" his voice is full of concern as he rubs the outside of your thigh.

"No. It felt good. Really good. I didn't…no one has ever..," you trail off and grip his wrist with your free hand, hoping he understands.

"You feel so good. You're so tight wrapped around me, and that buzz feels good, too," he keeps still inside you, giving you time to adjust.

"You like it? You're not just doing it for me?" the question has been on your mind since you started. A slight pang of guilt has been echoing through your thoughts.

"Are you kidding? It feels really good. This is so hot. It's for both of us," he begins to gently stroke into you," You're so sexy right now. I'm thinking about basketball, so I don't cum."

His admission pushes away any last doubts, you turn up the speed on the vibrator and start rolling your hips to meet his thrusts.

"That's it, baby. Take what you want," he's watching himself disappear inside you, breathing raggedly, muscles straining with the effort to keep a gentle, steady pace. His cock slowly drags back and forth against your walls, hitting that spot every time, but it's not enough-you want more.

"Harder. Don't hold back. I want all of you," you pant, reaching for him. He leans forward, capturing your mouth as he drives his hips into you. Passionate noises fill the room as you get lost in the pleasure you share.

"Is this okay? It's not too much?" he asks softly in your ear.

"It's more than okay. Nothing has ever felt this good," you whisper back, kissing along his temple.

"Fuck, you don't know what you're doing to me. I'm not going to last much longer. Can I cum inside you?" his hips piston, rubbing that place inside you faster, harder. He wants to fill you, claim you.

An exquisite feeling builds in your tummy, and you feel yourself tightening around him," Steve," you moan, bucking your hips erratically, "cum inside me. Oh, fuck," the curse flies past your lips as you realize you're hurtling towards climax.

"Yeah, baby, I'm gonna..holy shit, you're getting so tight. You're squeezing me…are you gonna cum?" his strokes are getting sloppily. He's staying inside you longer between thrusts, driving in deeper.

"Don't stop," is all you manage to say. It's all you're able to think as you climb higher.

"Let go. I won't stop. We're going to cum together," his gentle words push you over the edge. Ecstasy washes over you as you cum harder than you ever have alone. He groans loudly as your inner muscles milk him, triggering his release. He fills you up with his warmth as your body trembles uncontrollably around him. His movements slow, but he doesn't stop thrusting until he softens inside you, coaxing out every last wave of your orgasm.

"You're incredible," he pants, resting his forehead against yours, reveling in his bliss.

With closed eyes, you press kisses to any bit of skin you can reach as you float down, enjoying the little shocks still going off inside.

"Are you still with me?" he asks, brushing the damp hair back from your face. His expression is full of adoration as you open your eyes and smile at him.

"When can we do that again?"

♡♡♡

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#steve harrington #steve harrington x reader #steve harrington fanfic #steve harrington smut #stranger things fanfic #stranger things #boyfriend steve #Jelly's requests

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authoreetea · 5 months

Text

𝐥𝐨𝐬𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐲𝐨𝐮

pairing ; rafe cameron x reader

summary ; rafe lost you

warning ; angst!!:( sorta feminine y/n

note! taylor swift inspired again 😛 she is my inspiration. I hope u likieee

I smoothed the skirt of my dress, and straightened my back. It was yet another night forgotten by my boyfriend, Rafe.

It was supposed to be our fifth anniversary. I prepared his favorite meals and wore his favorite black dress, but I can't say I'm surprised. Each year I felt our love fading. Despite all my efforts trying, trying to build it up again.

He just can't commit to me. I wanted to be a bride, and he's out there making his own name. Ever since his father died and left him, he took over the business, which did nothing to help our deteriorating relationship.

I stood up from my chair, the food in front of me was cold along with the untouched silverware that sat and waited an hour and half with me. Another meal, another dress, another day disregarded by him.

Cleaning it all up, I put the food in the fridge and started putting the plates away. Until I heard the door. He walks in with a tired look on his face, and his formal shirt unbuttoned.

He sighs deeply when he sees me putting dishes away. He sits down by the bar, his hand running through his hair until his face, he was obviously exhausted and so was I.

Somehow, Rafe Cameroon still managed to look good while tired and beat up from work. His blue eyes were a window to the blissful memories we had when we were young and in love. The once vibrant connection between you two began to unravel, threads of affection fraying under the weight of unspoken fears.

I stood in front of him, tired of all the times I stepped down and lowered my standards for him. "You forgot." I simply said, monotonously as I grabbed the bottle of whiskey from his hands and pulling it away from him.

He makes a frustrated face at the loss of his alcohol, just as he is confused. "Forgot what? I just need a drink, y/n." He said, his voice deep and weary.

I rolled my eyes, crossing my arms. "What day do think it is, asshole? Am I the only one to care for this damn relationship?"

He pulls his hand up to rub his temple. He lets out a groan, "It's just Wednesday... 16." Rafe's blue eyes widen as he realizes what is so significant in this day.

I let out a loud sigh, frustrated. I turned my back at him and walked out to our room. He groans again before following after me.

"Look baby, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to forget, I've just been so busy." He tries to resonate, with the same excuse all the time.

"Oh please, Rafe. The same damn excuse every single time, I'm so sick of it!" I said, incredibly upset at his antics.

"Please, baby. I'll make it up to you, whatever you want."

"You always say that! I want to be in a relationship where you don't need to make up for anything, Rafe! Don't you understand?" I cry out, tears starting to pool in my eyes.

"No, you don't understand! I am under so much pressure right now, y/n! And I need you to understand for now." He says, obviously irritated.

I look up at him, with my brows furrowed and my lips pouting.

"Really, for now? We've been playing around like this for a year, Rafe." I say, quieting down. I held onto myself as I felt dizzy, wanting to curl up into a ball and cry my feelings away, but this had to be done.

Rafe looks at me pointedly, about to say something but I beat him to it. "We... We've been through so much, my love. But it feels like we're slipping away, yet we're still at the same place we are five years into the relationship..." I took a deep breath, my voice wavering and tears softly pouring.

"Do you even see a future with me? Were you ever gonna propose to me, Rafe?" I ask softly, trying my best to cover the shakiness in my voice but failing.

"I'm sorry, y/n but you know that's not for me, especially right now with everything going on." He quietly says, His eyes were haunted and distant, actively avoiding mine.

What used to be lit with love and filled with joy, this room was bleak and the air was miserable.

I could feel my heart shattering. I smile at him sadly. "Three years, even before your father died, you've been saying that. Why can't you commit to me?" My voice was shaking, so were my hands. I was sounding desperate, my vision was blurred with tears and the lump in my throat kept forming into something bigger.

He takes a deep breath, walks towards me and cups my cheek, brushing the stray tears away with his thumb. "You know I'm not good at it, never have been." Rafe said, a painful admission of his own shortcomings. The realization hung in the air, heavy and suffocating.

I pull away from him, pushing him with my palm against his chest. "We can't keep drifting like this. I won't settle for uncertainty, Rafe."

"I'm sorry, y/n." He says, out of words to try to mend what is happening.

I let out a hollow chuckle, my eyes still pouring waterfalls. "I wouldn't marry me either, I guess. I just wanted you to see me again."

His eyes softened. "It's not like that, baby. I will marry you, just not now." He says, reaching for my hand.

I pull away. "If not now, Rafe, when? in another five years?" I say, desperate as I gasped for air.

"I mean, why not? If it means still ending up with you I would take the chance, y/n!" He says, his eyes wide and pleading.

I shake my head no, "Rafe, I can't. I cannot keep waiting for a commitment that may never come." I whispered, my heart breaking with every minute that passes.

He keeps muttering no. Rafe understands what this is leading to and it scares him. He looks at me begging, grabbing for my hand. "Y/n, please don't do this. I'll marry you right now, don't leave." He says, his eyes teary and his hair was messy.

I smile at him with tears in my eyes, "Not like this, Rafe. Maybe this is better for both of us." My voice was so quiet because If I was an pitch louder my heart couldn't handle it anymore.

Rafe's once lively blue eyes looked at me with regret, "I'm sorry, baby. please." he says, pleading and almost as desperate as I've been feeling.

I shake my head no, and for the last time, I turned and walked out.

And with that, the fragile fragments of our love slipped through our fingers, lost to the winds of uncertainty and the echoes of unfulfilled promises.

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sunnysidestories · 10 months

Text

Introductions Pt 2

Pt 1

Summary: Reader is a vigilante on young justice who goes to the same school as Walls. Only Wally doesn't know the readers identity, but she knows his. SLOW BURN

Wally West x Fem!Reader

"Hi, I'm Wally West. It's nice to meet you."

As his voice rang in my ears, and he seemed to look back at his book, my heart would begin to race. I sat there for a moment too long, so I quickly would pick up my own voice, even if it cracked. "I'm y/n l/n. It's nice to meet you too." He doesn't know. He can't know.

Wally would once again look back up from the textbook, his eyes seeming to scan along my face. "You're not new. I know you." shit. "Well, I just changed classes, not schools. I've been at Keystone my whole life. I'm just not the most popular person."

"Oh cool, I hope you like the advanced course. If you ever need any help I'll gladly give you my number. Science is one of the only things I seem to be good at." he genuinely doesn't know? I'm glad, at least this is my chance. Let's find out who Kid Flash is under all the spandex.

He's a nerd. He's a total nerd.

Often, before class, I would find myself in a conversation about the latest scientific fact, most of them being obscure. He seemed to always speak with his hands, a grin never leaving his face. I found out his uncle is a forensic chemist, which helps explain his passion for all things scientific. Even if he didn't outwardly say it, I could tell he meant a lot to him. But when the class would eventually begin, Wally would totally shut off the conversation, rarely continuing it over a note. He took the class very seriously.

He's not exactly how I would have expected him to be. Compared to how he is as Kid Flash, he's much more sporadic. He seems to always lead a conversation, which I don't always mind, but when he asked me about what I liked one time, he didn't interrupt. He let me rant for a while before I realized what I was doing, though he only encouraged me to go on with a smile.

...

"So that's why I've got to go to Central City for the week." Wally lied about some other excuse for a mission. It felt wrong knowing he's really going to fight crime. I have no room to talk, really. I'll be busy at Keystone myself. I wonder how much of it is actually a lie and how much is really fact.

"It's fine, I understand it's not your fault, but i'll miss you." Wally seemed to avoid eye contact almost if my comment had made him uncomfortable. I was telling the truth though, I would miss him. Even more than I would like to admit. I didn't pressure him about it further as the class went on.

But when it was time for us to take notes from the textbook, and the whole class was sent on their own, Wally would slide me a folded piece of notebook paper. He didn't even look at me, so if any outside eyes had seen the exchange, it would look as if he was returning something of mine. I would quietly open the slip to be greeted by Wally's hastily written writing.

Hey, text me the work I'll miss next week

My eyes scanned the page only to land on his number at the bottom. He could just get it from the teacher, but the fact he trusted me enough with his perfect grade was flattering. Wally's handwriting is another one of those things I didn't think would differ from note to note. Ones he had the time to write at home are always much neater, though his handwriting is much bigger than normal standards would accept, I don't mind. The notes he writes me at school are always messy, almost like he's trying to write faster than he can but doesn't want to use his speed, so in the end, it's just much slopper. If one didn't know Wally, they could rightfully assume the contrast between his writing could be the work of two different people.

Sure, but is it just for the notes right?

I would put in my own words under his before slipping it back to him. He would immediately slide it back into my hands. I didn't even think he wrote anything until I opened it again. This time, his handwriting was perfectly placed, almost as if it was typed.

Yes.

I tuck the paper in my jacket pocket, I'll put it in my drawer with the rest when I get home. I feel bad about throwing them away, so they sit in my bedside table, its not like anyone would ever go into my room and find them anyway. Sometimes, I like to read over them before I go on patrol. It reminds me of our conversation at the warehouse. One where I'm not as alone as I think I am.

Yet the nervous tapping of Wally's pencil brings me back to the class. He taps it ten times before flipping the pencil back over, continuing to write. No matter what, he seemed to always tap it ten times. In a way, it felt like he knew I zoned off. It was him bringing me back to everything. Even if it wasn't intentional. Wally fidgets a lot when he tries to focus or distract himself, the repetitive movements being a form of comfort.

...

It's Tuesday now, and I'm perched on top of a building in full gear. My phone sits in my hand with Wally's contact staring back at me. I need to text him the work from yesterday. I haven't even said hello yet. Hello is too formal, we are friends, a hey would fit better.

These past two days have been abnormally quiet. His empty seat in class is only a reminder of why he's really gone. I hope he's okay.

FLEETFEET

Hey, it's y/n. Here's the work from yesterday and today. Hope everything is okay in CC

2 attachments sent 11:20 pm

I would sit there for a bit, looking at the screen. Maybe he's already on some sort of mission. Why is texting so stressful? As soon as I started to shut off my phone, it would light back up with his reply.

FLEETFEET

2 attachments seen 11:27 pm

Hey y/n! Central City has

been pretty cool, my Uncle Barry

showed me around his work at Star Labs today. That place is surprisingly

really huge. Thanks for sending

the work.

Seen 11:27 pm

Sooooo wyd?

Seen 11:28 pm

Its almost midnight, he should really go to sleep. I should really start patrol. This really isn't a good idea.

Nothing much hbu? just watching

traffic go by. I swear I've seen three

crashes in the span of two

hours ppl r wild.

Seen 11:31 pm

Dude you should see it here.

Traffic is actually so slow it

makes me want

to scream. We sat at a

red light for 4 whole mins.

Seen 11:31 pm

Oh. My. God. 4 whole mins?!1!

How can they do that to you!

Don't they know who you are!!!

Seen 11:33 pm

The hottest guy alive thats who.

Seen 11:34

I couldn't help but laugh at his statement. Typing back a quick 'pls lol' before turning off my phone. It was getting too late I needed to start. I wish he was here, sometimes I could get a glance of the yellow and red highlight speeding by back home, on this road, about this time. He never worked late at night. That was more left up for the other heros, ones like me. I look to the streets, the dim lights from the lamps only shone back with a faint glow. No streak of color to be seen, but a part of me hoped it would still apear.

My night was full of stopping petty crimes, luckily I didn't have to go against any metahumans, but still like any other night everything would start to hurt after a certain threshold. Inbeetween threats I would find myself checking to see if Wally had kept our conversation going.

He did.

Until 4 am.

He was asking me mostly about myself, which was weird in a way. But in another, it made sense. The questions were more deep then anything since he already had asked the basic getting to know each other questions months ago. In the end, though, he stopped the conversation telling me to head to sleep, as I had school in the morning. Which was true. Even after patrol, I was still texting him from the comfort of my home, but I would eventually listen, heading to get some rest.

The week would continue the same as the night before. I was sending Wally the work and him dragging on our conversation throughout the night, but never long enough for the sun to rise the next day. On Saturday was when one of his messages caught me by surprise.

FLEETFEET

Are you free to call?

Seen 1:12 am

Before I could even protest how that could be a bad idea or how that might reveal who I was, his contact was flashing onto my screen along with his picture. I place the phone to my ear and answer it. I hoped the interstate couldn't be audible up from here.

"I told you shes not going to- hey! Hey..."

Wally's voice picks up on the other line, he seems to be in some sort of living room, as the hum of a television can be heard in the background as well as someone else having a conversation.

"Hey Walls? What's up?" My voice sounded strained from not speaking for hours, I hoped Wally couldn't tell. "Oh, um, I was just wondering about some of the work you sent me. Like you took the photos of the work perfectly okay, but in the background, I saw something." At the word something, his voice would slightly jump.

Did I leave my equipment in a photo? was my reflection shown? Was it something he wasn't supposed to see?

"Yeah It's-It's going to sound really stupid. What... what were those papers spread out on your bed?" Oh. Ohhhhh no. The notes, I left out his notes on my bed. I must have got some of them into the frame. I quickly opened out a chat to the last photo. There they were. Luckily, they were not in focus, so he couldn't really tell what they said, but still. There they were.

His voice would start up again after my second of silence. "Are they really swamping you with that much work?" "Yeah, yeah. My other class, a big final its uh its is coming up, so I was studying the notes." I let out a sigh of relief. "But that's not your handwriting? It actually kind of looks like-"

"Wally, I have to go. I'll see you Monday at school."

*BEEP BEEP BEEP*

That was terrible. He would never let me live that down if I told him I was keeping such things. That even more was embarrassing, I have to explain why I had to go. And I have until Monday for these excuses. Which is technically tomorrow. Fun.

...

I was saved. I got called into a mission before school at Mt. Justice. Even though Wally would be there, y/n technically wouldn't. When I arrived, he was already in costume talking to Megan about something. He still did the thing with his hands while he spoke. Making his statements larger than life and thoroughly exaggerated. "I just don't know what to do. I trust her more than anything, I wish she would just tell me. It's not like im going to judge her. She knows that. I mean, you heard the conversation. "

His back was turned to me, so I couldn't see his face while he went on. Although I knew what he was talking about. "Hey Megan. Hey Wally." I waved at the two while I walked past them to the kitchen. "H/n! You're a girl. I need advice. What do I do when my friend is keeping stuff from me." I would stop and slowly turn around to his pleading gaze. "Walls, aren't you keeping stuff from her? You have to trust her in that sort of regard. Give her time to open up."

"Thats...Fair." Wally would drop himself back to normal as my words got through to him. "Besides, it took me a while to realize I trusted you." Both in and out of costume. I do. I trust him more than anything. More than anyone.

So I should have told him. He said he wasn't going to judge me, and I know he wouldn't have. I let my emotions get the better of me at the moment, If he asks again, I'll tell him the truth. No matter what.

...

The mission went by with a breeze, the biggest threat being now as Robin sent Wally falling towards me at full speed. I ended up catching the both of us before he could send us tumbling over a building. I held us there for a while, my arms wrapped around him in a hug. He just looked at me. His heightened breathing trailed my neck as he grasped onto my arms. He didn't admit it, but he was scared, I was too. Fifteen stories were a lot to fall from.

The other heroes, as well as criminals, paid us no attention, too occupied in their own fights, as I held Wally at the edge of the roof. One of my feet hanging halfway off. I was closer to falling than he was. My back was to the city.

"Hey, h/n." Was all he said as his face began to knowticablely regain too much color. "Hey West." Wally would move his head to rest in the crook of my neck as he tried to calm his rapid breathing. He told me late at night over text one time he was scared of heights.

As I started to try to move us back away from the edge, Wally would only plant himself in my hold even more. I needed to help him snap back into the situation. Before he messed up and tipped us over.

"Wally. You've never asked me who I am before." Trust. He needs to trust me. "Be...Bec..Cause! You're not comfortable... ye-yet." Inbeetween words, he would let out large audible gasping. "You won't judge me, right?" He shook his head side to side, keeping his eyes remained shut. I would let out a sigh of my own.

"I trust you. Kid Flash, I need you to trust me. Not only as h/n but as y/n. y/n l/n. The one who's going to get you off this roof. Back to the ground floor."

#wally west x reader #wally west #young justice x reader #young justice imagines #young justice #kid flash #kid flash x reader

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am-i-the-asshole-official · 3 months

Note

AITA for possibly invalidating a self-diagnosed autistic person

I (20sNB) met D (20sM) in an online server for an anime fandom we're both in. I'm a psychology student who was professionally diagnosed with autism in early childhood. D and I developed a friendship based on having similar fandom opinions. I don't remember how me being autistic came up in conversation but when I mentioned it, he described himself as "autistic as f#ck". Sometimes he would get into arguments with other people in the server and bring up his autism if he was called out on how he spoke to people. On his twitter he said his autism was self-diagnosed and he has no interest in getting a professional diagnosis but he could if he wanted to.

I have complicated feelings on self-diagnosis; I think there's pressure in the autistic community to accept every single self-diagnosed person as valid. I personally would never definitively say I had something that I hadn't been professionally diagnosed with. That being said, I understand that there are factors that would prevent someone from getting a diagnosis so some people *have* to only be self-diagnosed. I don't have a problem with it as long as people aren't spreading misinformation or being actively harmful, which is what I (and others) thought D was doing. My issue wasn't him being self-diagnosis, it was that he was using his self-diagnosed autism to justify incorrect (and harmful) claims.

I noticed a few times that he would make comments like "autism isn't a disability" and "some autistics have high support needs because of intellectual disability", which is just flat out wrong. D also claimed that if he was to get a diagnosis, his would be level 3 autism (which would be for someone with high support needs with severe social and communication deficits, generally nonverbal) but he also is a college student who's been in a relationship for over a year and he works part-time in retail. For context, my diagnosis happened when there was different terminology but my psychologist considers me to be somewhere between level 1 or 2 and I am also studying and working part time.

Another person in the server (let's call them P, also 20sM) brought up a different disorder that they'd been diagnosed with (not autism although P is autistic as well) and D immediately said "I probably have that too but I can't be bothered to do anything about it".

P and a few other people in the server expressed some frustration in a separate group chat about D's tendency to (a) say things about autism that just aren't true and (b) say "omg me too" every time one of us brings up things we have. Once D said autism isn't a disability the third or fourth time we'd had enough and I responded "D, that's not right". D took offense to that and claimed as a fellow autistic person I should agree with him. I said "D, I'm autistic and it's a disability, I call myself disabled because my autism is literally disabling". D said he felt like disabled is a bad word and he doesn't like using it about himself. I said "D, no one's forcing you to use it about yourself if you don't want to, but saying autism isn't a disability is just wrong". P pointed out that every time someone in the server talks about being neurodivergent D is like "omg me too" and P also said that D doesn't get to claim to be autistic while also spreading misinformation, especially when the misinformation being spread is ableist. D got mad at P for calling him ableist; he insisted he's autistic and self-diagnosis is valid. I said "I get that, but when the information you're spreading is flat-out wrong, it kind of makes me question your researching skills".

D called P and I both ableist, told us we were so privileged to be diagnosed (which neither of us disputed but also D *could* have been diagnosed but chooses not to be even though he has the resources to access a professional diagnosis) and we're "f#cking assholes" for invalidating self-diagnosed autistics. D's partner (20sF) also got involved and claimed we were bullying D and we both have "pick-me" attitudes. P and I both muted the server and disengaged for a while.

Later on, D messaged P and I both. D claimed his reaction to what was said was because of his autism. P had had enough and said "buddy, you don't get to say that" and D got mad and blocked P. I told D I was going no-contact and D could block me if he wanted. D called me an asshole and I blocked him.

It's probably worth noting that my autism means that I have difficulty interpreting people's messages in text form and tend to take what people say at face value. Sometimes D getting overly confrontational triggered my anxiety and caused me to feel very uneasy around him since it was in text form and there was no vocal tone to decipher (if that makes sense). The thing is, I don't think D is necessarily not autistic, I just think D has some internalized ableism and doesn't really understand the nuances of the autism spectrum enough to make a sound judgement and he should have maybe not made claims about an identity he knows very little about, but maybe P and I might have been a little harsh because we'd been stewing on our feelings for so long.

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

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aloesarchives · 4 months

Text

Tags/Warnings: Fem!Reader/Pronouns, Swearing, Gojo has a hard crush on you, Gojo vs Toji Part 3, The word ass being used, Toji straight up having beef and fighting a bunch of teenagers, Nicknames such as beloved and hon(ney), JJK OCs, Out of pocket moments and sayings, Me being an annoying narrator

[Semi-proofread, informal formatting, and edited as of 12/22/2023 10:18am CST]

Summary: One of the truths behind Toji's beef with Gojo

Word count: 2.8k words

(A/N: I spent 10pm-6am writing this because I just need to or I would never forgive myself if I didn't! I promise I will have some of the "Toji lives" AU posts ready by next week because your girl got her ADHD meds back in stock!! Thank you for being patient with me and my inconsistent updates!!) (12/22/2023 6:05am CST)

💙I love you all! 💙🥰😚💙

💙❤️Please Enjoy!!!💙❤️

The REAL reason Toji has major beef with Gojo is because Gojo had a crush on you during his high school days when you would sub for Yaga in the classroom and training sessions. He did try his best to keep it under wraps but Geto was like,

"Bro, she's the same age as Yaga-sensei. . . Stop reaching, Satoru. . . Do I need to remind you who (L/N)-sama is married to again?"

The Gojo responded with, "Suguru, I don't give a shit about that loser. He's a bum, anyway. The question you should be asking is why (L/N)-dono is fucking married and still in-love to a deadbeat like him. I would have been a better option. Face it Suguru, I'm right."

While Satoru has a point, as Suguru noted, it doesn't change the fact that Satoru was crushing on a MARRIED woman who had TWO kids.

Though it was true, Satoru would have technically been a good husband/father/lover. However, there are many reasons why it must be ruled out.

Satoru is over half your age. Picking him meant allegations and a prison cell. Gojo tried reasoning with you, "But (Y/N)-dono! Age is just a number, give me two years!" "And Prison is just a place, Satoru-kun. I don't want to be labeled as a child predator, let alone be framed for "seDuCinG" the Gojo heir. I want to have a clean record."

While his personality brought you happiness, his carefree nature would clash a lot with you. He can mature but his child-like spirit and carefree persona isn't something you would personally deal with.

He was more of your protégé/junior/student if anything. You saw him more as your son and acted like a parental figure. You wanted to watch him grow and mature. Not become his lover.

To spite the higher-ups and Jujutsu elders(excluding your clan). Given you were a powerful and skillful sorcerer, marrying Gojo would be "BeNeFiCiaL" to Jujutsu society. However, it meant that you were on a watchlist 24/7 and pressured to have an HeIR. It made you physically sick and ill thinking what those old useless dementia white-haired cowards are allow to do that just to better "society" but not its citizens.

You are MARRIED to a man who is trying to step up after his major fuck ups. It's not perfect but Toji is his best trying after you gave him his life and freedom. Since he technically can't leave your home or go to Jujutsu High without your supervision, he's basically househusband duty. And he was getting pretty damn good at it too. Plus Toji's hot, he got you feral and gnawing at your teeth with his signature smile and smirk. And the way his arms flex when he crosses them, or how they feel when you link arms together.

While it wasn't super obvious, okay it was obvious, you always shot down Satoru's playful confessions and light-hearted shenanigans. Basically rejecting him every time. Usually, Suguru would warn you in advance but you know it would happen with each interactions. While you firmly turned him down, you made him understand why it can't and WON'T happen. You still care for him, just never romantically, only platonically and motherly. You made it clear that his "love" for you was just a strong admiration and infatuation disguised as a crush.

Though he was heartbroken, at first. Satoru slowly understand what you mean and his crush slowly fades away as it's replaced with immense respect for you.

HOWEVER, it still linger and not widely known because Toji finally gets word of this through the grapevine. A.K.A, through his two children Megumi and Tsumiki. It happened one day when you brought the two to the school so you can keep a close eye on them since they didn't have school that day. Toji was out doing errands so the two kids are accompanying you. Megumi and Tsumiki were occupied with their books and toys while you taught and trained the students. Megumi and Tsumiki went to find you because they were hungry and you had their lunches. As they looked for you, they see you talking to Satoru. They meet him a couple of times but he's still a stranger to them compared to Shoko or Suguru. So when they see Gojo with you, all alone with no one around, they thought it was major sus.

As they snuck closer, they could hear bit and pieces of what Gojo is saying to you. Megumi lowkey thinks Gojo is super annoying and acts more of a child then he does. But what catches his ears first was something with along the lines of, "(L/N)-dono, please consider it-" "Satoru-kun, how many time will I need to say no to you? You know I can never feel for you that way. Plus it's bad for me to agree to it. You know that it's admiration and infatuation if anything. Not love."

See Megumi knows you only use love as in 'I love you" to him, his sister, and his dad. But to this dude? Nah, something fishy is going on and Megumi gotta tell his dad about it. Megumi comes running, yelling "Mommy!!!". You and Satoru turn to see your son running to you and colliding with your legs. You crouch down and pat your son's head and smile at your daughter following behind him. Megumi hands your hand tightly as you lead them away to have lunch with your kids. Satoru made a face at Megumi when he saw the kid glare at him.

Once you three made it home, you're in the bathroom changing into some home clothes. Meanwhile, Toji was cooking dinner while Megumi and Tsumiki were waiting for you at the dinner table. As Toji was asking them about their day with you, Megumi brought up Gojo's advances and confession towards you. When Megumi said this, the beef Toji was about to flip plopped right back onto the pan. He looks back at Megumi and asks if there's anything else that he can share. As Megumi shares what he has seen through his perspective, Toji asks Tsumiki to confirm is this is all true, to which she said yes, backing up Megumi's claims.

"Yeah, Papa. Satoru-kun is weird. Even though Mama keeps saying she's married to you, he still does it. Tsumiki saw it too."

"I see... Thank you, Megumi and Tsumiki for watching and taking care of Mama for me. I appreciate it a lot. Can you tell her that dinner is almost ready?"

The kids nodded and went to go get you. After dinner and putting the kids to bed, you were sipping your favorite drink as Toji is doing the dishes. You would have helped him but he said no. While you two were talking, he brings up Satoru and his school crush on you.

"Toji, beloved, you know that it's just a small crush. It's nothing more then puppy love for me. Nothing more and nothing less. And you know that you're the only man that I am willing to give my heart to."

"I know that, (Y/N). But what does this brat got on me to think he's a better match for you? Just because this kid is practically a god doesn't mean everyone will bow down to him. I'm definitely not one of them. And to know that said brat is flirting with you even though you're visibly married with kids, he needs to read the room. I will be going with you to school tomorrow. The kids go back to school the next day, and I already got this week's groceries and cleaned the house."

You would have protested if Toji didn't give you a searing kiss while caging you in his arms. Fuck he looked so hot. Curse him and his good looks *punching the air*.

"Fine, you can come. BUT, Toji you need to behavior yourself. You already knew the deal. You better not be doing any funny business."

"Yes, Ma'am. You're the boss, I promise you." Toji says as he gave you a kiss on the cheek before lightly patting your ass.

After dropping the kids off, Toji accompanies you to the school. Toji is just silent and sits in one of the chairs as you do your lessons. Toji is leaning on the chair with a smirk plastered on his face. Not a care in the world. After a few lessons, you were going to teach and train Gojo, Geto, and Shoko for the rest of the school day. As you went to their classroom, they greet you, especially Gojo. However, the mood changed when they saw Toji walk in behind you, wearing nothing but a black slim fit t-shirt and grey sweatpants. Toji gave a head nod to the teens while he just takes a seat in a chair to lean on it. The three were shock to see him.

Particularly because they did expect him to come with you to the school at all. Suguru had an idea but he hoped it wasn't going to be it. After teaching a lesson, you told the three to practice their curse techniques and let their curse energy loose. While doing so, you told them that you would have to speak to Yaga for a bit on something and would be back 15 minutes tops. You told Toji to behave, and he nodded and gave a thumbs up. As you leave the kids and your husband on the train grounds, that's when the storm started brewing. Toji walks up to Gojo and is 3 feet from him. He smirks while looking at him up and down, sizing him up. Shoko and Suguru are on the sidelines as Toji, a married adult male in his 30s, was beefing with a 16 year old high school student.

Suguru: "Satoru, I don't think this is a good idea-"

Satoru: "Hush now, Suguru. . . It's my time to shine. . . Watch the master at work."

Suguru proceeds to roll his eyes but becomes a little weary after his last encounter with Toji was. . . unideal. Given one of their teachers was shot in the throat by Toji saving Anamai, and himself getting injured. It wasn't something he wanted to constantly get reminded of. But ever since you liberated Toji from the higher ups and explained it to your students, Suguru has slowly been changing his views on Toji. It will take a while but it's getting there. Anyhow, Suguru told Shoko to book it once the two were going to throw down.

Satoru: "So, what brings you back here, Toji~? You just couldn't get me out of that little mind of yours~? You're mad I'm 1-0 with you?"

Toji: "Kid, I'm pretty sure that it's 1-1 since I won our first battle. Anyway, I heard through the grapevine that you gave (Y/N) a love confession. Don't you know it's bad to confess and hit on a married woman who has kids? Were you taught any manners? Then again, by the way you act, you probably have none."

Satoru: "You're just mad, Old Man. That I, Satoru Gojo, would treat (Y/N)-dono better and treat her worth. Face it, Old Man. I'm a better match for her than you'll ever be."

Toji: "Like she ever goes for someone half her age, Brat. Plus, you'll never look at you as a lover ever. You're more of a son to her and that's the closest you'll get."

Satoru: "Well, she doesn't need a bum like you around. Imagine fighting a bunch of teens and getting your ass beat by said teens. Skill issue if you ask me."

Toji: "Watch your tongue, Boy. Remember who made you struggle for the first time in your life and actually killed you. While, you know, fucking up your best friend, the second strongest sorcerer, with no curse energy? I got your ass with no gifts other than being a superhuman with weapons. You can never beat me, I'm just built different, Kid."

Satoru: "You wanna test that, Toji~? You got no curse weapons with you. I can pack you up like you're a school lunch."

Toji: "Kid, please. I don't need any weapons to beat you, let alone kill you. You see this? This is a rock, and I can use it to beat you. I also still have my hands too. And I am more then willing to give it to you, Gojo~kun."

Satoru: "You think I'm scared of someone like you? I've ascended, enlighten if you will. If you even know what that word is. Throughout Heaven and Earth, I alone am the honored one. Remember those words, Fushiguro-san? Remember them good because I will put you six feet underground."

Toji: "I see then, Kid. . . So you're playing God? I guess that makes me a God Slayer then. . . Prepare yourself, Kid. . ."

Satoru: "Alright, bet then, Bozo."

Thus, Gojo and Toji started to go at each other for round 3. Shoko was already gone and the two started fighting in the training grounds. Five minutes have already passed and they have made five decently sized craters. Just as both of them were about to throw a punch at each other, they suddenly felt a powerful presence which halted them. They turn to you walking towards them with a furious face unimaginable.

"GOJO SATORU AND TOJI (L/N) FUSHIGURO!!!! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!?!?! I LEAVE FOR LESS THAN HALF AN HOUR AND I GET CALLED BACK BECAUSE OF THIS!?!?"

"(Y/N)-dono!!"

"(Y/N)!"

You moved like a blur and appeared next to them vice gripping their forearms tightly. You dragged them to the nearest empty classroom you can find or any room. You were just so livid that you didn't hear Gojo whining about your grip and asking to let you go like a child. As you let them go once you dragged them far enough, you smacked both of them hard on the head. Shoko and Gojo were watching this as Yaga appeared right next to them shortly. It was interesting seeing two of the most broken people in the world kneeling with their heads down in-front of a woman who doesn't have god-like abilities.

"GOJO, WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT USING BOTH OF YOUR ABILITIES DURING TRAINING SESSIONS!?!? YOU KNOW THE CALAMITY AND DAMAGE YOU COULD'VE CAUSED!?"

"BUT (Y/N)-dono! He-"

"NO BUTS, GOJO!! AND YOU, TOJI, I LITERALLY JUST SAID NO FUNNY BUSINESS AND YOU'RE ABOUT TO CREATE THE NEXT SECOND COMING OF CHRIST. I DON'T NEED ANOTHER RAPTURE HERE. I'M STILL DEALING WITH THE AFTERMATH FROM THE TWO OF YOU AS IT IS!!!"

"Okay, Hon. I take full responsibility for my actions today."

"YOU BETTER, TOJI!!! YOU'RE A FULL GROWN MARRIED MAN WITH TWO KIDS!!!"

"But (Y/N)-dono, I was not going to kill him last time-"

"NO ONES DYING HERE!!! NEITHER OF YOU WILL NOT DIE AS LONG AS I AM AROUND. I WON'T LET THE BOTH OF YOU KILL EACH OTHER OVER SOME PETTINESS AND A BOY CRUSH."

You start to calm down but you are still firm with them.

"I know this started because of Satoru's crush on me. . . Satoru, I will not love you romantically and date you. Please understand that. I care for you like family and that is said for the rest of you. Yes you, Suguru, Shoko, and Yaga. And Toji, I'm not leaving you for a child. I would be in jail and not working here. . . Geez, I saw this from a mile away but never expected this to happen. Now, you two better behave yourselves or else. You two don't have to say sorry or anything like of the sort. Just don't go tearing at each other's throats when I both am and am not around. Please, for me. . ."

The two looked at each other before saying a soft yeah. After that, Yaga told you to go home early and he would take it from there. You had to patch up Toji a bit but it wasn't anything of concern. From then on, Toji and Gojo just banter and bicker with each other. It's funny to watch except for Megumi since he's seeing his dad beefing with his unofficial adoptive older brother 24/7.

Satoru eventually grows out of his crush for (Y/N) but Suguru and Shoko never let him down. Hell, it's a running gag in the school about Gojo's old crush on you. Gojo always gets super embarrassed about it, especially when you join in but it's all fun and games with you all.

The only person who genuinely hates it is Megumi because the thought of Gojo having romantic feelings for you and trying to woo you made Megumi visibly ill and sick to his core. He would lowkey help his dad beat up Gojo if Gojo's crush on you became serious again.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

💙Author's Notes💙: 💙I am truly grateful to each and everyone of you in showing me that my writing is enjoyable to read!!! I appreciate you all from the bottom of my heart for making my comeback worthwhile! I hate to sound giga cringe but every single one of you that likes, reblogs, and comments on my writing post make me want to continue writing because I know that there are people out there that like what I make.💙 💙So once again, I am truly grateful and feel appreciative that everyone single one of you enjoy what I have been writing. I hope you all stay healthy, drink your water/favorite drink, treat yourself kindly, and take a break because you earned it!💙🥰 ❄️💙💙Happy Holidays to all of you, my GOATS!!!💙💙❄️

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guillotinebypierre · 6 months

Text

Ryujin POV

Confliction.

Regret.

Pleasure.

If I was to try and describe what I was feeling, what I have been feeling every since this little affair started, this is what I'd choose. It is as if I had these cartoony angel and devil figures on my shoulders, criticising my every move and trying to sway me into rethinking my every step. On one side I knew what I wanted, I knew I wanted to stay loyal to my childhood sweetheart, leave all this idol bullshit behind and live somewhere quiet, have a nice and relaxed life but I knew it wasn't what I needed. I needed to be an idol, I needed to live this larger than life lifestyle, touring the world, singing and dancing and performing to my hearts desire day in day out. I knew I wanted [redacted] but I needed Y/n.

Nobody touched me like this. He was like a drug coursing through my veins, an unhealthy obsession, he was a constant high in my life, the personification of dopamine. He was the human equivalent of what I felt whenever I performed, he was my own private idol lifestyle, he was someone so unapologetically removed from anything related to the industry that it made me mad. He was an anchor, a way of ridding my stress, the build up of multiple weeks of training until I literally couldn't, the person who took care of me when I needed it.

He wasn't what I wanted, at least not originally, or maybe he was and I'm just delusional and trying to convince nobody but myself, but he is what I need.

This night started as they always do, with a simple phone call. Phone calls at two in the morning, normally not something anyone would want, but for us it was different. The past few months were getting to me, I'd be lying if I said it wasn't. But then again, after all these years of dealing with toxic bosses, annoying netizens who sit in their room the whole day and think they have the right to comment on anything and everything, I've learned how to push these things down and ignore them until I couldn't. The last two comebacks didn't go as planned. They still did well on the market, but internationally, people said some pretty messed up things. We also have a tour coming up, which meant that training was pushed to a max, no matter if we could handle it or not.

Y/n told me once that pressure was a privilege, or at least that's the thing I could make out after he fucked my brains out, rendering most of my senses useless for the rest of the night. He was incredibly understanding, I knew he had to have made some harsh experiences in his past, but I never pushed further. Even though I'd love to know more about him, about how he thinks, what he thinks, I couldn't. And that was a good thing. He took care of my needs, I took care of his, there was no need for feelings. Or thats what I keep telling myself. I know I don't- no I shouldn't want him. But I needed him.

Thats the second reason I called him tonight. Tonight my sleep was particularly bad. My mind clouded with the past failures and bad decisions I made, the promise I made to my childhood crush, that we'd stay in touch and eventually date, in my mind as I cursed myself to hell and back for falling for someone else. My bed felt empty, my heart felt empty. But my mind was crowded, full of his ridiculously handsome face. That smug grin that I could only get rid of by sitting on it, his stupidly perfect teeth that he used to tease my nipples, his incredibly muscular body that I stared at a bit too long, leading to his annoying teasing. His strong arms that held me close at all times, offering me comfort I never really got with anyone else.

I tried replacing him, I really tried, but it was like anyone and everyone was a lesser version of him, a cheap replacement, it was like going back down to economy after flying first class for the first time. They weren't what I needed, they were cheap replacements, I wanted to stop thinking about him, relying on him, but those attempts were futile in the end. I needed him.

My phone was completely charged and absent of any notifications. It was two in the morning, after all. My schedules for tomorrow were moved to another day, leaving me with a day of relaxing, but I knew I couldn't, not until I quenched this undying thirst for that stupid son of a bitch and his magical touch. It was like whenever I saw him I lost all motor function, like he had done a spell on me. If he wanted to, I'd be on the floor for him, doing things I'd never do for anyone else. And what makes it worse is that he knew what effect he had on me. What made it worse was that I've seen the way my members look at him, the way other idols look at him.

He works at a popular restaurant among the rich and famous of Seoul, a very luxurious one at that, even for rich people standards. One that offered plenty of privacy for all kinds of famous people. I've seen the way my fellow idols tipped him, the way they'd touch him and make advances. It irked me, especially because he went along with it every time, accepting the small pieces of paper with their numbers they'd slip him. God knows how many of my colleagues he has fucked by now.

I find myself questioning if Karina was able to make him cum like I did. If my unnies from Twice were able to take him as well as I did. If those aunties from Girl's Generation were even able to keep up with him. Like seriously, Taeyeon was over a decade older than him, theres no way he could go all out with her. I felt sick to my stomach thinking about how these whores would be moaning my man's name, but then I realised, he wasn't my man. And that's on me, I suppose. After all a relationship is what he wanted, but it wasn't what I needed. Or at least that's what I thought back then when he asked me. I proposed the idea of staying as fuck buddies, the casual booty call, but seeing how he interacted with women, most of which I'd fuck myself in a heartbeat, made the devil on my shoulder grow rigid and put some bad ideas in my mind.

He spoke to the phone, calling my name, leading me to question whether he had just picked up or if I had left him to talk to himself for god knows how long.

"Noona it's two in the morning, what do you want?", he asked in a raspy, deep voice that made my legs quiver.

"I want you.", I replied as I moved my fingers into my slightly wet panties subconsciously.

"Noona didn't we just fuck yesterday-"

"I don't care I just want you in me."

"But what about your members? Last time Yuna and Yeji almost broke your door in while complaining about the noise."

"We don't have any schedule tomorrow and they're heavy sleepers, they only woke up last time because we started before they fell asleep"

"..."

"Fine I'll see you in ten minutes"

"You'll be here in five or I won't give you any pussy for the rest of the year."

"I'll see you in five minutes."

He arrived quicker then he promised, probably due to the lack of cars, and thereby lack of traffic, outside at this time. We sneakily made our way into my room, trying to not alert anyone, before closing the door behind us and starting immediately. I smashed my lips against his as the familiar taste of his coconut flavoured lip balm made its way into my mouth, his minty fresh breath following soon as his hands roamed around my body. His lips moved in sync with mine, as if he was trying to take the friction from them. His large hands palmed my ass as he tried to finger my asshole, only to be stopped by a wall of an pink, crystal shaped buttplug.

"I've been wanting to try something new", I shyly said as his penetrating gaze landed on my face, looking me into my eyes.

"I can tell", he replied before smirking and capturing my lips again.

We moved backwards towards my bed as I fell back and layed there. My body sprawled out as he took in every bit of skin that I was showing. I felt a bit judged by his look, my body heating up and cheeks forming a small blush as I looked everywhere but his face. My mind, however, went numb as soon as I felt the all too familiar feeling of his hot tongue pressing against my center. His wet muscle expertly moved around, licking and slurping my juiced while his thumb circled around my clit and his fingers curled inside of my pussy. My eyes rolled back as I felt the first of presumably many orgasms approach me. Nobody knew how to touch me like this. I looked down at him, his gaze meeting mine as he stared into my eyes while eating me out, his intense look intensifying the pleasure, pushing me over the edge as my hands grabbed two fistfuls of his hair and pressed his mouth harder against my body. I squirted onto his face, the warm and sticky liquid drenching his entire upper body as he simply opened his mouth and trues catching as much of my juices in his mouth as possible.

Breathing became hard, my vision became blurry as I felt the devil on my shoulder overpowering the angel, putting bad thoughts into my head, telling me to tell my childhood friend to fuck off and let me live my life. Y/n wasn't like anyone else. Everyone was a 'want' but he was a need. And he continued proving that to me every single time we spent time together.

Y/n POV

I looked at Ryujin, her flushed face being lit so beautifully by the moonlight. A cool breeze ran through her room, subconsciously making me shudder as the thought of a possible relationship with her shook me to my core. I was hurt by being turned down, hell who wouldn't be hurt by that, but I guess I wasn't what she wanted.

My life had been a rollercoaster of experiences. When I finished studying culinary arts I didn't expect myself to be working for celebrities all the time, nor did I expect to work in South Korea in the first place. The job was good, though. It paid well, the tips I received were more than friendly and the company was nice. I never thought that I'd become some kind of player but after Ryujin turned me down I sought love in other places, in other people. Deep down I knew there was no place for Ryujin in my heart, at least not anymore. That place belonged to Jimin, or Momo and Mina, or Taeyeon depending on the night, but I just couldn't see myself in a scenario where Ryujin wasn't close by.

The idea of telling her that I didn't want to be 'just' her booty call and borderline sex toy anymore crossed my mind every so often, but that thought was thrown out the window again every time I saw her like this, naked, heavy breathing, flustered and soft under my touch.

When I was woken up from that call I knew it was a bad idea. I knew I should've just ignored it and continued sleeping, coming up with literally any excuse as to why I didn't pick up. But my heart didn't allow that. Much like staying away from sweets during a diet, like quitting smoking or drinking after doing it for so long, I wasn't able to. I craved for her sweetness, I desired the dopamine that was synthesised every single time I saw her smile, stroked her hair while she laid on my chest and vented about the stress she had to suffer from. I was an addict and Ryujin was my drug.

I slowly stood up from my kneeling position, the corners of my mouth dripping with her cum as I licked it clean as well as I could. I ditched my shirt, throwing it somewhere in the corner of Ryujin's room, where it would probably would stay as she was keen to steal my stuff. The light wind, courtesy of the open windows passed by my back, making the hairs on my arm stand up. Although the distant noises of the city could be heard, the room was quiet. Heavy breathing was the only thing anyone could register as Ryujin tried calming herself from her high. In moments like these the devil on my shoulder whispered in my ear, telling me that I should try seducing Ryujin into a relationship, but I knew better, I knew not to hurt myself with ridiculous expectations and delusional ideas.

My brain tried figuring out whether or not any of her members heard her scream just now, as the sudden sounds of metal clashing against each other ripped me out of my train of thought. I looked down and saw a dazed Ryujin fighting my belt for access into my underwear, her senses still a bit cloudy from her high just mere moments ago. A few seconds later, she managed to unbuckle it and in one swift motion threw my pants and boxers onto the ground, my large member smacking her in the face as I kicked both pieces of clothing left on my body away.

According to her, I was the largest she had ever seen. Ryujin never told me, but I knew she had other partners. It was obvious that we both knew that we weren't meant for each other, we both knew falling for each other would be a mistake, but something pulled us together. I always cursed at god for making me feel these one sided, unreciprocated feelings for her, as I thought this was a cruel, sick prank pulled by the one above us as a way of punishing me for not going to church that often anymore but whether I liked it or not, it didn't change anything.

Ryujin, once again took me out of my mental dilemma as she started stroking my dick, her fingers brushing against the tip, spreading my precum around the member, using it as lubricant. She looked up at me, a small blush still on her cheeks while her mouth curved into a smirk, followed by a lip bite. Her left hand soon joined in pleasuring me as she started fondling my balls before, finally, taking my cock into her mouth.

Her throat felt tight, wet and hot. Her tongue brushed across my base, stopping only to lick the tip as she played with the slit on my head. Her throat muscles worked around my shaft as her head continued going down inch by inch, desperate to throat everything and reach the base. I grabbed her hair, making a makeshift pony tail as to keep the hair out of her face. The formerly silent room was now filled with wet slurping noises and gagging sounds as she impaled her face on my crotch.

I closed my eyes in pleasure as my hips started moving on their own, fucking into Ryujin's throat, reaching as deep as she could take, before I slowly backed up and allowed her to breathe. Ryujin gasped for air, her saliva connecting her lips with my dick in a long string of spit. Her chin was soaked, spit and precum dripping down it and onto her sheets. Ryujin practically pulled me into her as she formed a tight vacuum around my dick, blowing bubbles at the tip before going back down and deep throating as much as she could fit.

The oral pleasure continued for a while, my climax nowhere near close but making itself known before I pulled myself out of her and told her to lay down with her legs spread. Ryujin looked me in the eyes hungrily, for the first time this night without blushing at the mere sight of me, indicating that she had reached the 'zone', a state in which one is focused on nothing but the task at hand. Her body was godly, something straight out of a painting, often making me question whether or not she was real, a feeling I felt every time I saw an idol up close.

Her pussy was soaked, a small bush visible, wet from a mixture of her arousal and my own saliva from before. Her nipples were erect, her chest rising and falling as she looked at me in anticipation. Her hair clung to her forehead as sweat glistened on her body.

"Are you going to stare at me the whole time or will you start fucking me soon?", she asked annoyed.

I rolled my eyes at her antics. I knew she didn't mean that. She had told me before that she appreciated it greatly how obviously I thought she was gorgeous. Ryujin had a hard time in the beginning of her career due to the ridiculous beauty standards in that field and the entitled and obnoxious netizens. She had always looked great, and I admired her ever since she debuted and we got to know each other, but she still got harassed online because of her looks. I remember last year, in the night of their 'Loco' release, she called me crying, in fear of what people would say about her. To me, that night will always stay close to my heart. We didn't have sex that night. I didn't want to. It felt wrong, like I was abusing her vulnerability. I think that that night changed everything about us.

I leaned down, kissing her as I knew this was the only way of shutting her up. My hands rubbed her inner thighs, kneading the soft flesh before aligning my cock and pushing inside her. Her pussy stretched around my member, her eyes rolling back as her body became even more flushed than it was before. Her chest started rising and falling faster as she adapted to the new feeling. Ryujin wrapped her legs around my torso and her hands around my neck as I felt her lips kissing and sucking my neck and collarbone. I thrusted into her, reaching as deep as I could inside her pussy as her moans grew louder and louder, to the point where, no matter how heavy of a sleeper her members were, I'm sure they'd wake up.

The sounds of cars honking and drunk adults shouting was now entirely blended out as Ryujin's room filled with mewls and groans of our names, the former being much louder than the ladder. Skin slapped against each other, wet squelching noises being produced as my dick slid in and out of her soaked womanhood, her nails digging into my back as she searched for anything to hold on to. Ryujin threw her head back into the pillows to the point where it looked like she was trying to disappear inside them. Her legs shook before becoming jelly as her mouth hung open and her screams grew louder. She tightened her grip around me as her walls contracted around my cock, milking me dry another orgasm hit her.

With one last cry she pushed my head into her shoulder and moaned my name into my ear as her juices sprayed all over my torso and the sheets of her bed. My hips never stopped moving as I felt my own high coming soon. I burrier myself deep as I felt her tap my shoulder, indicating that I should pull out. My thrusts grew sloppy and less consistent as the thought of leaving this comforting warmth broke through my mind like a sledgehammer, before I ultimately pulled out and stroked myself for the last few seconds, erupting in a sea of semen, coating Ryujin's toned stomach, her breasts and nipples and her face.

I fell back onto my ass as I tried catching my breath, sweat dripping down my forehead as I felt a pair of eyes on my frame.

3rd Person POV

Ryujin slowly stood up, her legs having little to no energy left in them as she scooped up the cum from her body and put it into her mouth. Her breathing was still heavy, uncontrolled, but as was her lust. Her needs weren't satisfied, her frustration with the situation she had put herself in wasn't gone and as weren't her feelings. Ryujin looked at Y/n, like a predator would look at its prey, even though their dynamic was more like predator and weaker predator, and slowly crawled towards him.

"You can still go, right?"

"You did say you wanted to try something new", he responded as his arms wrapped around her body, playing with her the outside of the diamond shaped plug inside her asshole.

He slowly pulled at it, before pushing it back in, teasing her and making her anticipation rise. Every time she felt him pulling at her plug her breath hitched, yet he never fully committed to it until finally, with a satisfying *pop* she felt her puckered hole feel a lot less full.

She looked at Y/n as he examined the pink diamond shaped object in his hand before throwing it to the side and kissing Ryujin again, this time with much more vigor.

The pair fell back onto the bed, their hands exploring each others bodies for what felt like the fiftieth time this night. Y/n's lips traveled across her body, leaving marks in every area he knew she would hide on stage as Ryujin's breathy voice called out to him.

"Y-Y/n. There's a- mHm bottle of lube in the fIRST drawer AHH"

Y/n's left arm roamed around the drawer until finding the small bottle of neutral scented lube.

"Turn around", he told her, completely neglecting any kind of honorific towards his elder.

Ryunjin did as told without opening her mouth, pushing her head into her pillows, arching her back and putting her ass up, swaying it lightly as if she was teasing Y/n.

Y/n took in the view in front of him, her glistening pussy, dripping in arousal, the cum from before still on her lower stomach, her asshole clenching as if it was trying to suck him in. He leaned down, sticking his tongue out as he licked around her asshole making the hairs on Ryujin's body stand up from the new sensation. His hands spread her ass cheeks apart as he dove in, eating her out and lubricating with his saliva.

Ryujin's moans grew loader as the new sensation befell her, Y/n's tongue doing wonders on her as she pushed her head deeper into the pillow and her ass harder against Y/n's awaiting tongue.

After a few minutes of oral pleasure he stopped, the warm feeling of his wet tongue being replaced by cold lube which he spread around her asshole before taking two fingers and sliding them in, spreading it and stretching Ryujin's unused hole even more. He took a generous amount of the same lube and put it on his hard member, spreading it by giving it a few strokes before aligning it between her ass cheeks and slowly inserting himself.

The feeling was different to her other two holes. It was tighter, rougher and warmer. It was almost suffocating, as if it was quite literally sucking him in and keeping him there. Ryujin shuddered as she felt herself stuffed to a degree unknown to her up to that point. She bit the pillowcases as to not scream in pleasure, her knuckles turning white as she held onto the sheets tightly.

They stayed in that position for a while, Y/n giving his lover enough time to get adjusted to the feeling before slowly thrusting in and out of her. He threw his head back in pleasure as Ryujin's tight hole sucked him dry, using any kind of self control he had to not cum inside her immediately.

Y/n, not wanting to reach his climax first, decided to play unfairly. He grabbed Ryujin's hair, making her look up at him as he thrusted into her. He kissed her, her eyes being shut closely as pleasure overtook her. His other hand slapped her ass cheeks, altering between the two, leaving both of them red with his hand print on them. He soon switched tactics, letting Ryujin's head fall into her pillow and instead using one hand to stimulate her pussy. His fingers trailed around her labia, teasing her, before sticking them in, penetrating her from two ends at the same time. In the meantime, his thumb circled around her clit, sending waves of pleasure through her body.

All of this stimulation soon culminated into her high, the biggest one for the night, as she screamed in a volume that surely had woken up at least one person, her pussy spraying what had to be the equivalent of a small waterfall of cum onto the now completely soaked through sheets under them. Her body collapsed and fell down onto the bed as her legs trembled and her eyes kept shut.

Y/n continued thrusting into her, now in a prone bone position. He was satisfied with his work and now allowed himself to cum. He continued thrusting, deep and hard, his member pulsating with each passing second before finally exploding in a wave of long, thick, hot and sticky spurts of sperm, painting and coating the entirety of Ryujin's insides white.

He held himself above her for a few seconds, unloading everything he had, before his arms gave up and he fell down next to her, his cock slick due to a mixture of their cum and the lube.

He was a mess, his hair completely all over the place, his body sticky with residue of Ryujin's cum and his sweat, his back full of marks caused by Ryujin's nails and his neck and chest full of hickeys.

Ryujin herself was even more of a mess. A pool of thick cum seeping out of her asshole and onto her thighs, her pussy and asscheeks red and beaten up, her body equally as sticky and sweaty and her chest full of hickeys.

The pair caught their breath as Ryujin used whatever strength was left inside her and made her way onto her lover's chest. The two stayed in that position for a while, not saying anything, just listening to each other's heartbeats.

Y/n POV

It was as if time had stopped. I looked at her sleeping figure and smiled to myself. It was a bittersweet feeling. My heart longed for something more than whatever we were having, but I knew it wasn't possible. I sighed as I stood up, quietly as to not wake her up. I put my clothes on in silence, going to her drawer and taking out a small piece of paper. I wrote a note on it, explaining where I'd gone to, and kissed her on her forehead, leaving afterwards. It was probably better that way.

Dear Ryujin,

I apologise for not staying the night, noona, but I have work in the morning and I'm sure you'd rather rest in an empty bed than one where I'd take up most of the space. I put as much as I could into the washing machine but you still need to change the sheets. I've been thinking about our situationship for a long time and I now know that I can't do this anymore. I can't just stay friends with benefits. It's not what I need, nor is it what I want. I apologise again for doing it this way, but I think it's the easiest and least painful way to do it. I will always hold you close to my heart and I will always be glad to cater to your and your group's needs, but I can't stand the idea of having you and still not having you, if you know what I mean.

Love always,

Y/n.

I sighed as I exited the room, closing the door slowly behind me.

"You know the two of you really need how to learn to be quiet.", a voice called out to me.

"Jesus, Yeji noona, you scared the shit out of me"

"YOU woke me up like three times. Seriously there's no way your dick is that good."

"Noona-"

"If not for Ryujin stealing you I'd have tried for myself but-"

"Yeji, me and Ryujin will not be seeing each other anymore.", I interrupted her.

"Oh-"

"I should get going. Sorry for waking you up, I hope you have a good night, though."

As I opened the door I felt a pair of arms wrap around my body. My heart dropped as I thought this was Ryujin but my nose told me it was someone else.

"If you want to talk about it, I'm always here to listen to you, Y/n", Yeji said in a small voice.

"Thank you noona, I really appreciate it."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not right now, thank you."

"Thats fine. Just remember, whenever you need someone, I'll always be here, with open arms and open legs-"

"Love you too, noona. Stay safe and have a good night. I'll see you sometime at the restaurant.", I said while going out the door.

I made my way to my car, walking across the parking lot quickly. It was a cool night, a light breeze but nothing too serious. I opened the door and just sat there, starring into space and thinking about nothing in particular. I felt something drop on my lap and realised that I had been crying. Silent tears rolled down my face as I realised my biggest fear had come true.

My relationship with Ryujin was no more.

A small buzz from my pocket took me out of my frozen state as I went to check the notification. It was just Yeji texting me once again that she felt sorry for whatever happened and that she'd be there to listen to me.

I replied to her and just as I was about to close my phone, another message popped up.

Taeyeon🤍

>hey Y/nn~ I don't know if you're still up, I don't even know why I'm up myself but the preparations for my concert have just finished and I was thinking about you before going to sleep ;)

>are you free this weekend? I'd love to have you at my concert, I could get you backstage if you wanted to.

>there will be a lot of my old colleagues and other idols but I still feel like I'll perform better with your support.

>I can also give you a private show afterwards if you want, you know as a thank you for all the tasty meals you've given me in your restaurant and my bedroom ;)

>let me know if you have time, I'd love to have you there~

'hey noona, i'm still awake, can't sleep tonight haha.i'd love to be there and i actually don't have anything planned for this weekend. it'd be an honour to be backstage and support you from up close, you know how much i love you and your music. i was actually thinking about meeting up tomorrow, do you have time or is your schedule still busy from preparations and last minute rehearsals?'<

Taeyeon🤍

>I'm a bit busy tomorrow but you know I can always make time for you, handsome~

>just swing by the SM building tomorrow around 7ish and I'll have my manager pick you up and drive you to my place.

>see you tomorrow~

This woman will be the death of me.

to be continued

#kpop fanfic #kpop imagines #kpop smut #kpopfap #idol x male reader #kpop x male reader #x male reader #male reader #itzy #itzy ryujin #itzy smut #ryujin smut

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very-normal-abt-this · 3 months

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I forgive you = I don't forgive myself. I am acting angry at you = I am feeling angry at myself. I am rejecting you = I am rejecting myself.

Here is a little psychological analysis of the worst sentence ever uttered in the history of everything. I've decided that Aziraphale is utilizing a subconscious psychological defense strategy called "projection" (I'm a professional psychologist, so I can use the lingo :P)

We all use this at certain times in our lives. What happens is, when we feel that our behaviors, feelings, or thoughts are unacceptable; When they go against some of our values and create an internal value conflict - we feel shame, anger, fear, confusion. Feeling this way about ourselves is extremely uncomfortable, so sometimes, instead of acknowledging those feelings ("Wow I am feeling really angry at myself right now"), people will *Project* those feelings onto the person who is involved in the situation that is causing us to feel that value conflict. And, we are more likely to use this defense strategy when our emotional resources have been depleted. When we don't have the emotional energy to recognize and cope with painful feelings that we are feeling. Sometimes its just easier to be angry at someone else, instead of being angry at ourselves, you know?

Now, lets look at how this concept applies to Aziraphale's reaction to *The Kiss.* We know that his emotional resources have certainly been depleted by all of the emotional events that just occurred in the span of a day: planning and executing the ball, building up the courage to ask Crowley to dance, actually dancing with Crowley in front of everyone, realizing that he put his guests in serious danger when demons show up, fighting for his life, seeing Jimbriel and Beelz get their happy ending and realizing that it is possible, seeing Metatron come down from Heaven, and finally being offered an insane opportunity for himself and for Crowley. Wow, that is.... A LOT, don't you agree? So, by the time Aziraphale is having the "final 15" conversation with Crowley - he can no longer effectively process unexpected and complex thoughts and emotions.

Uuuuunfortunately, that is exactly what he gets during the conversation with Crowley. First, Crowley has an unexpected and complex reaction to the offer of being together as angels (unexpected to emotionally unhinged Aziraphale, not to us of course). Then, Crowley proceeds to drops an emotional bombshell by doing something that has never been done before - openly discussing the nature of their relationship and his feeling about Aziraphale. After that, Aziraphale himself chooses to show the most vulnerability and honesty about his feelings that he has ever shown (i.e. "I need you!"). And what is the final cherry on top of this "emotional tsunami" pie? The straw that completely breaks the camel's back? (aka temporarily breaks his friggin mind) ***THE KISS.***

As an aside, I am not AT ALL saying that Crowley was wrong for anything that he did or said in the final 15. I believe he was right to say and do all of it. I am simply breaking down the factors that were present in the context of that conversation. And one of the factors is -- the timing of it all was just horrendous. It was horrendous, because both of them had very depleted emotional resources at that moment in time. Aziraphale was basically primed to become completely overwhelmed and confused by all the new and complicated emotions/ideas that he was required to process. On top of it, he was required to process them in a very short amount of time, with damn Dickatron putting pressure on him to make a decision ASAP.

Okay, so what do humans do when we are completely overwhelmed by thoughts and emotions? Sometimes what happens is - we REVERT to the familiar. We REGRESS to things that are the most automatic and easiest to understand. We revert to thoughts and behaviors that have been the most practice, even if they are not effective and not relevant to the situation at hand (which we don't recognize until later, when we are out of that "fight of flight" state).

Back to Aziraphale. He is experiencing an insane amount of emotions during and after the kiss. He is trying to process his emotions and the implications of the kiss; and he is also trying to make a super hard decision, all at the same time. What he should have done is say to Crowley - "wow this is a lot for me to process right now and I'm completely overwhelmed. Can I please have 15 minutes to myself so I can re regulate my nervous system, and then we will keep talking?"

Unfortunately, when we're overwhelmed by emotions - its really hard to see the different options available to us. We go into a sort of "tunnel vision" and revert to our internalized and automatic beliefs and behaviors. For Aziraphale, that means - regressing to the old beliefs that Heaven has programmed into him. Maybe beliefs like: acting on carnal desires is wrong (look at what happened to adam and eve); good angels don't engage in physical intimacy and they certainly don't crave it or enjoy it; it's selfish to consider choosing your personal happiness and your personal desires over an opportunity to help others/help the world. If those are some of his old values - Aziraphale has just acted against all of them!

When we act against our old values (even when we know that those values are no longer working for us, and we are actively working on changing them) - we still feel ashamed, guilty, and angry at ourselves. This is especially likely to happen in times of great stress and emotional overwhelm. So, now we get to the equation from the top. Aziraphale is feeling ashamed of himself, angry at himself, and guilty for his thoughts and feelings (i.e. for liking/wanting the kiss, for loving Crowley, for wanting to be with Crowley more than he wants to "help the world").

He is feeling that he needs to be forgiven for the way he feels, and for the way he is. However, due to his temporarily deficient emotional resources - Aziraphale is not able to accurately attribute the feelings he is experiencing (anger, shame, guilt, desire for forgiveness) to the correct source. He mistakenly decides that he must be feeling those feelings towards Crowley (not toward himself), and he must be feeling them because of what Crowley did (Kiss him), not because of what Aziraphale did (enjoy and reciprocate the kiss). And Viola, the process of Projection is now complete.

He says: "I forgive you" to Crowley, but Aziraphale is the one who wants his own forgiveness. Which, unfortunately, he does not get. At least not yet. (Yay for religious trauma).

In conclusion, the sad thing about bad timing and projection is: now Crowley is worried that Aziraphale sees him as sinful and unacceptable, as someone who needs forgiveness. But the truth is, Aziraphale is the one who still struggles with seeing himself as sinful and unacceptable, and as someone who needs forgiveness for his urges, desires, and feelings.

But, the good news is - Aziraphale does not always see himself in that way. We know that he has been putting a lot of work into breaking away from heaven's toxic values, and into developing his own values (e.g. "our side"). Like I said above, old habits die hard, they are more likely to surface during times of stress, and all that is a normal part of the process of psychological change.

I am very confident that once Aziraphale has a hot minute to himself, once he has time to calmly process everything that's happened - he will see some things differently. And he will eventually be doing the Apology Dance for "using projection as a deadly weapon. " :)

#good omens #good omens meta #good omens theories #good omens season 2 #aziraphale x crowley #good omens prime #ineffable husbands #ineffable divorce #aziracrow #good omens s2 #good omens analysis #good omens psychoanalysis #good omens finale analysis #good omens final fifteen #good omens i forgive you analysis #they will figure it out #writing this helps me process my angst

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madtotry · 6 months

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thinking of you, with my head underwater one. — two. — three. — coming soon.

hiccup haddock x reader

a/n. featuring toothless. gn reader. reader's dragon is one i created/came up with myself, youre welcome to ask about it! i plan for this to be a series - and to reveal more soon (if you have any questions/confusions about the plot youre welcome to pop into my inbox with those too) let me know if you want to be added to a taglist for my writing/this series

it hadn't been easy to get you to simply let hiccup look at your dragon — elsa — from afar without panicking, let alone convince you to go on a short flight with him.

so now, as you glide just above the surface of the sea, your gaze remains ahead; keeping an eye on elsa beneath you, and hiccup to your side, in your peripheral vision.

he hasn't said too much, and he probably means it as some sort of polite courtesy in an attempt to not overwhelm you, but it only serves to heighten your nerves at the possibility of him just waiting for the right time to attack you and steal elsa.

"what's her firepower?" he finally asks, at a volume that you think might have been in an attempt not to scare you, but is almost so quiet it gets whipped away even in the calm breeze.

you query a, "what?" in confusion, but he reads it as you not hearing him properly.

"firepower," he repeats kindly, and leans down to mutter something to his dragon, "like this."

a moment later, toothless opens his mouth — causing elsa to twitch just an inch away anxiously — and shoots a blast out of his mouth that flies ahead and disperses in a purple burst a few seconds after.

you tense once you understand, having never seen elsa do anything like that, let alone even just the normal fire you've caught other dragons spurting.

hiccup however, notices your sudden — extra — uneasiness, and doesn't pick up on the real reason.

"you don't have to tell me," he tries to catch your eye with a comforting smile, "i'm just asking because i've never seen a dragon like yours before."

you try to cooperate, "neither have i."

hiccup's head already spins with new questions, but goes easy on you with a simple, "could you tell me about her?" that he hopes is open-ended enough that you don't feel pressured.

elsa lets out a low, quiet, murmur that only you catch that tells you she's just as uncertain as yourself.

you don't know how he keeps being so patient and perceptive, but hiccup notices both you and your dragons' hesitance yet again, and speaks.

with a smile, he says, "this is how he got his name," nodding to toothless, who turns to look in your direction with a grin, mouth wide as he retracts his teeth and extends them back out a moment later proudly.

you can't help but feel the slightest upturn of your lips at toothless's pure joy, and a small hum from elsa and a ruffle of her wings tells you she feels the same; though appears to be better at hiding it than yourself.

"cool, right?" hiccup smiles back at you.

"i can show you more, this guy's full of secrets," he scratches a little crook in toothless's neck, who purrs happily at the affection, "aren't you!"

it slips out in a moment of comfort that you don't entirely hate, when you finally say, "she floats."

it takes a second for you to realise what you've said, and another to notice how nonsensical it sounds. but hiccup's reaction doesn't reflect this, if anything the sparkle in his eyes is just that little bit brighter - like he knows he's making progress. and his smile has not once faltered, but it has grown just a bit softer, perhaps more genuine?

he leaves room for you to elaborate, so when you don't — whether that be from the high-tide of anxiety splashing at your chest, or inexplicable embarrassment — he says:

"could you show us?"

elsa's sudden jolt away is unmistakable, and it doesn't take even a breath for you to tune into her uneasiness, and to tense yourself.

your head shakes without you realising, and all you can muster is a quick mumbled, "sorry," before elsa flies the two of you away; hopefully to somewhere you two are familiar with, somewhere safe.

you don't catch the way both his and toothless's expressions fall as you exit, nor the way he still politely stays where he was an makes no effort to chase after you - lest he scare you or elsa any further. he simply watches with a hint of sadness, and hopes you will be around the next time he flies through here.

#taking flight (my writing)#hiccup haddock x reader #hiccup x reader #httyd x reader #how to train your dragon x reader #httyd imagine

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allbark-no-bite · 1 year

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who are you mad at.

topper thornton x reader (wc: 3.4k)

summary: Topper doesn’t appreciate John B’s friendship with his girlfriend. sometimes all it takes is a blowjob and a little bit of forgiveness

warnings: 18+ smut, blow jobs, mentions of blood, over possessive boyfriend

author’s note: not me actually writing something with plot lol. i cannot believe all of the support i got on my last post, thank you all! i’m know that this isn’t Rafe lol, but i hope you’ll all give it a shot!

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As a little girl, I could never understand why the sheriff and the judge always drank coffee on my grandads front porch. It took me a few years to realize that it was probably for the same reason that the judge's grandson was always so sweet on me.

Politics in a small town like Kildare run deep on family ties and favors. It's all about who's blood is running through who and who's bed you wake up in when the sun comes up. As my best friend Sarah has often laughed about, it's all about how you know or who you'll blow.

Speaking of which, Topper's zipping up the fly on his jeans, fingers fumbling as he misses the hole for the button and has to try again. His cheeks are noticeably flushed, blue eyes distracted as he fidgets with his shaggy but nevertheless, neat crop of hair. No one would expect anything less of Figure Eight's golden boy.

I can't help but smile, biting my lip in an effort to conceal it from where I'm knelt on the floor. He's stupidly pretty. Blue eyes, straight nose, chin that dimples when he smiles.

He must feel my gaze on him because he catches my eye as he's buckling his belt and looks back at me. "What?" he laughs, breaking out into a bashful smile that matches my own.

"I don't know," I say, still smiling, and accept the hand he offers to pull me to my feet.

I don't remember when exactly Topper and I stopped being friends and started actually dating. It all happened so naturally that I don't know if we ever really distinguished between the two. One day we were just friends hanging out, getting drunk at the Boneyard, and then the next week he's kissing me at a party for everyone to see, like it wasn't a big deal that my best friend was kissing me. In some ways I guess it wasn't. It had never occurred to me that I would date anyone else. Sure Topper had dated Sarah for a while, but even that was short lived, and he had always been very upfront with me about it.

"Just you, I guess," I propose, grinning wider as he circles his arms around my waist, pulling me into him.

He's dressed up nicer than usual this evening for the Carrera's anniversary party in a billowy blue and white button up and khakis. The light colors pale in comparison to his bronzed skin, a likely permanent feature that the Carolina sun has given him.

"Really?" he hums, pecking my lips as my head tilts back to look up at him. My lips purse pliantly in response. Topper brushes aside the hair from my shoulder and hums, immediately pleased with the amount of exposed skin that he is rewarded with. The tank top that I'm wearing gives him the opportunity to ghost his lips along my shoulder until he settles on placing a kiss to the crevice of my neck.

My fingers curl into the brunette roots at the base of his neck at the attention. "It's not often I get you to myself."

With Topper's mom being the overbearing mother that she was, and the pressure that came with being the Judge's grandson, it was hard to get him out of their sights. However, if either bothered him, he never confessed such qualms to me. Such reasons are also why I think he was more privy to the political concept of our relationship than I was.

I remember being sixteen when a neighbor called the cops on one of Kelce's parties well after midnight. Of course no one knew this until Shoupe and a couple of his deputies showed up, sirens blaring. Most definitely a little buzzed and close to sobbing in the backseat of Shoupe's patrol car, I couldn't understand why Topper was so calm at the time. He just kept repeating, 'Don't worry about it, baby' and 'It'll all be fine'. At the time I hadn't noticed we were the only ones not in handcuffs. I thought for sure I was going to spent the night in jail and then my parents were going to kill me the next morning. He obviously knew something I didn't because twenty minutes later the patrol car was pulling into my driveway, Judge Thornton waiting on the porch with my grandad to take Topper home. The three of them shook hands and not a word was uttered about the incident again.

Topper dips his head to capture my mouth again, his teeth catching on the pout of my bottom lip.

Pressed to the front of my body, I feel his dick twitch in interest. I'm half compelled to drop to my knees and suck him off a second time just for the hell of it. The only problem is that he's got lipstick smeared on his mouth and his shirt is wrinkled and he's going to be late.

"Topper—" I begin.

"I know—I know—I know," he stresses, leaning down to kiss behind my ear again and then my cheek. "I'm going, I'm going."

Just when he pulls back and I go to step away, he grabs my face again, drawing my mouth back for another kiss.

"Topper—"

"I love you," he mumbles quickly after what is probably his hundredth kiss. "Okay. I'm going. I'll see you in a minute."

I watch him slip out the back door of the pool house we'd escaped to momentarily. I look over at the clock. What was supposed to be a quick five minute make out had turned into nearly half an hour. Thankfully, no one had been sent to look for us — namely my friends. Besides Kie and Sarah, the boys were off treasure hunting with Big John.

With all of the craziness going on in the past week, I was glad for the occasion to celebrate and enjoy the party. The evening air is cool and people are chattering excitedly, laughing and enjoying drinks. I spot Kie with her parents as I move throughout the crowd and she waves me over with a smile. Once I’m close enough, she latches onto my arm.

“We’ve got to get out of here. Big John was kidnapped, the boys are running off to South America to save him, and my parents won’t let me out of their sight,” she whispers through gritted teeth.

“Shit,” I whisper.

“Yeah, shit,” Kie stresses.

“Okay, okay. Don’t worry, I’m on it.” Turning to her dad with the brightest smile I can muster, I link arms with Kie. Thankfully, I fit in the with standard of friends Kid’s dad wants her to have, and he seems to be thankful I hang around.

“Hey, Mr. Carrera. I’m just going to steal Kie away for a moment. I promise we’ll be right back!”

He blinks, as if thinking about it for a moment before nodding. “Okay, just stay out of trouble you two.”

“We will!” I take off, dragging her with me as soon as the words leave his mouth. We haul it through throngs of tipsy guests, dodging anyone who might think to stop us.

“Wait!” Kie yelps snagging my arm before we reach the dock. Out of breath, I skid to a stop beside her.

“What—”

“Oh God,” she breathes.

Heart racing with adrenaline, I take another step towards the dock, dragging her along with me. “Kie, whatever it is, we have to go—”

“It’s John B. He’s talking to Topper.”

Straight ahead of us, I can make out John B’s wild head of hair and dingy yellow shirt. Him being the taller of the two, I glimpse the familiar white of Topper’s shirt just in front of him. Their voices are escalating by the moment, and I can make out the sound of Topper saying, “I want to know why you’re looking for my fucking girlfriend—”

“Oh God,” I repeat this time.

“(y/n), you need to go,” Kie stresses.

I take off before she even finishes her sentence, not even excusing myself as I dash past unsuspecting guests. People have started to stare and a sizable crowd has formed around them.

“— just because she’s your girlfriend doesn’t mean she can’t have friends without you.”

Topper scoffs. “Oh I see. This is about your little treasure hunting bullshit. So you think you can just run around with my girlfriend, do whatever the hell you want with her without me knowing?”

John B shoves him backwards, hard. “That’s not true!”

“John B, stop!” I shout, shoving my way to the front of the crowd as Topper catches himself. But it’s too late, John B is already grabbing the front of Topper’s shirt and yanking him to his feet.

The thing is, it’s not that Topper can’t defend himself, he’s more than capable of holding his own. It’s that he won’t. He won’t ruin his reputation in front of half the town. All he does is sneer, breathing hard as his blue eyes glint with hate. Topper had never liked my friends, only tolerated them for my sake — up until now.

“You think I don’t know?” Topper jeers. “All you’ve ever wanted is to get with (y/n).”

That’s all it takes for John B to swing. I scream as Topper stumbles backwards to the ground. Chaos erupts around us. I see Mr. Carrera hoist Topper to his feet, and my heart clenches at the sight. Blood is leaking from his nose and a dark rouge colored ring has already begun to form around his eye. When I move forward to help him, John B grabs my arm.

“We have to go. Now.”

My feet planted into the ground, I glance down at his split knuckles, and then back at Topper. Who do I choose? My best friend or my boyfriend?

Voice strained, I turn to John B. “I can’t just leave—”

“HELLO!! Now or never, guys!” JJ is on the dock with Kiara, and Sarah. Pope and Cleo are already in the boat.

“Go!” John B urges, shoving me in front of him. With one last look over my shoulder at Topper’s bloody face, I take off running down the dock with John B behind me.

—

I know he's mad before he even yanks the passenger side door open and drags me by my elbow to the car. Although his scowl and matching black eye are pretty heavy indicators, it's the stalk from the drivers side and around the front of the Jeep that tips me off.

"Get in the car, (y/n)," he barks without so much as a second glance at me.

John B and Pope glance at each other apprehensively. JJ and Kiara share similar looks.

With the passenger side door now open and Topper waiting for me to march myself over there, I hesitantly stand my ground. Anxiously, I swallow back the swell in my throat. "Go home, Top."

He throws his hands up in exasperation and shakes his head. "This—this is fucking ridiculous. Get in the car, (y/n)."

When I don't make a move either way, Cleo speaks up. "Leave her alone, man. She ain't gotta go nowhere wit' you." Her thick accent rings out loud and clear, but Topper pretends as though he doesn't hear her.

Having enough of our back and forth game, Topper strides over and grabs a firm hold of my elbow, intending to move me himself. Although I take a reflexive step backwards, I don't fight him off. At the same time, John B steps forward, ready to give Topper a black eye to match the other.

"John B, no," I immediately blurt out, twisting as best I can in Topper's grasp. "It's fine. It's fine." Sighing I turn back to Topper. "Okay," I relent. "Let's go."

We drive in silence for a while, waiting for the other to speak. I'm half hoping he won't and we'll make the entirety of the trip without uttering a word. Across the seat, we make eye contact and I scowl at him for the split second our eyes meet. Then I turn away and cross my arms with an air of defiance.

When I glance sideways at him, his jaw is clenched, eyes fixed on the road. I know him well enough to know that he's weighing out his options on what to say, determining what kind of conversation we're going to have.

He opens his mouth, starting to say something, then closes it and drags a hand over his jaw. "How many times did I call you?"

I shrug. "I don't know—"

"God dammit, (y/n). How many times did I call you!??" He slams his hand down on the console this time.

"I DON'T KNOW, TOPPER."

I do. Twenty-seven. He called twenty-seven times in addition to the missed texts and multiple question marks. I don't admit that though because it's easier to scream back at him than to admit that I was purposely avoiding his calls.

"You have got to stop hanging around with the wrong people. Start making better decisions." He's lowered his voice to a more appropriate volume now.

I glance over at him, a narrowed look on my face. "Who are you mad at, Topper?" I question. "Because I don't think it's me."

In the drivers seat, he continues to stare ahead at the road. "It's always fucking John B, isn't it. You always have to go to his rescue."

I set my jaw, knowing where his mind is and where this is going. "I didn't sleep with him, Topper."

Topper scoffs as if to make light of the situation. "Oh, for sure. You really expect me to believe that?"

"It's not like that. He's my friend."

We pull into his driveway, and Topper finally turns to me after parking the car. "Yeah? Well I'm your friend too, (y/n). You ever fucking think about that? Why do you think you're not sitting in jail right now with the rest of your so called friends?" He jabs a finger into his chest. "Me. Because I care about you!"

My back pressed up against the passenger side door, all I can do is blink in surprise. I'm not used to Topper yelling at me, and I'm not so sure I like it. I'd never thought about it that way before and guilt begins to creep into the pit of my stomach. My eyes suddenly sting and my nose burns with the threat of tears.

"I'm sorry," I whisper barley audible, my voice cracking.

Topper falls back heavily into his seat and sighs, running a hand over his face. Without a word, he gathers his keys from the truck's ignition and steps out of the car, slamming the door behind him. Teary eyed, I watch him take the steps up the porch and pace up and down the length of it while repeatedly running a frustrated hand through his hair. I get out of his truck and walk up the steps after a few minutes. Confident that he's done yelling but unsure of where we stand at the moment, I stop just short of him.

Hands in his pockets, Topper runs his gaze over me from head to toe after coming to a stop in front of me before he emits another heavy sigh and curls his hand around my jaw, forcing me to look upwards at him. "Answer me when I call you, alright?"

Nodding, I swallow under the weight of his hand as his fingers travel down to my throat. His blue eyes are focused and yet lack their usual jubilance. I nearly whine in relief when he leans down to kiss me.

He tastes fresh, like he always does, a mix between peppermint gum and mint toothpaste. The taste resonates within me a type of unspoken forgiveness that I sense is being granted as his other hand presses my body into his. I can feel the rigid outline of his cock through the thin fabric of his shorts, and it sends my heart racing in anticipation.

The thing about Topper is that he's always been able to read me impossibly well, and so when he disconnects our mouths by using the leverage of his hand on my throat to hold me back, he chuckles airily. "Feel me? That's what you do to me, you little tease."

I paw at him, grabbing at the waistband of his shorts to pull his body closer. Topper is nearly a foot taller than me, and I have to crane my neck to look up at him.

"I'm sorry, Top."

He hums, the thumb of his hand moving to tug at the swollen pout of my bottom lip. "Are you? He's only giving me a hard time now, not even allowing me to answer before his thumb slips into my mouth, pressing down on my tongue. "Going to be good for me then?"

The weight of his thumb is so soothingly familiar that I forget to respond in favor of suckling around the digit.

"Baby." He's quick to remind me, drawing his thumb from my mouth and swiping it wetly across my cheek to grip my jaw again.

My flushed cheeks forced into a pout, I nod as much as his hold on me will allow. "Mhm."

Topper glances over his shoulder, briefly surveying the closed blinds of the windows looking out on to the front porch, and then back to me.

"Alright, on your knees, pretty girl."

He doesn't have to ask twice. He's undoing his belt with one experienced hand and gathering a fist full of my hair at the back of my head with the other. Once removed from the confines of his boxers, his cock bobs at the freedom.

If there's one thing myself and multiple other girls in the Outer Banks can attest to, it's that sucking off Topper Thornton is a pleasure. I'd heard the rumors whispered around school even before we started dating. It was weird at the time, having to hear that kind of thing about my best friend, but once we started dating, I understood where they were coming from. With some guys, blowing them is an outright chore, but not Topper. He knows exactly what he's working with and how to use it.

Once again, he's heavy in my mouth. This time in a pleasurably aching way. His tip nudges the back of my throat, and I have to remind myself to relax and breathe through my nose as tears spring to my eyes. He swipes away a stray tear before it can fall.

"There you go, baby. Good."

He doesn't buck up into my throat, forcing me to gag and sputter as I try to accommodate his length — at least not this time. Topper just fists my hair and rocks slowly back and forth, eyes rolling as my throat clenches around him. My nose nearly digs into his pelvis by the time he's satisfied that his cock is nestled as far as it can get into the heat of my throat.

With the makeshift ponytail, Topper pulls almost all of the way out of my mouth before guiding himself back in. Each time the mushroomed tip kisses the back of my throat, he pulls his cock out of my mouth again. All it takes is a few good strokes before he's spilling into my mouth, moaning while I struggle to take him all. He pulls out when he's finished.

"Swallow," he instructs, tilting my jaw back so that I have but one option. Not that I would argue with him anyhow. I'm used to how he tastes, salty and strangely satisfying, His hot release slides down my throat. At first I would have wrinkled my nose at the thought of such a thing, but strangely, I've become accustomed to the taste. It's uniquely Topper, as odd as that sounds.

He helps me to my feet and plants another slow kiss to my swollen lips. I keen at the attention, my brain feeling sluggish and wishing he would just wrap his large hand around my throat again.

"I love you," he finally murmurs, pressing a find kiss to my forehead; a stark contrast to his manhandling moments before.

"Love you too."

Around us, the porch goes dark for a split second and I bolt into Topper's arms before the lights flicker back on. This repeats a few more times; long enough for us to realize that his dad is likely on the other side of the front door.

Topper groans. "Shit."

"Shit."

#rafe outer banks #outer banks #obx3 #obx x reader #obx imagine #rafe cameron #topper thornton #topper thorton smut #topper thorton imagine #topper x reader #topper thorton x reader #topper obx #topper smut

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heartateasee · 2 months

Text

“Three”

Word Count: 9.6K

(Part three of ‘Goodnight and Go’)

⋆★★⋆

*It will be known when to play the above song during this chapter.*

*Three months after the engagement. Seven months until the wedding.*

I'm sitting in a chair in the corner of a bridal store, my eyes zoning out on the wall in front of me although I know there's movement happening all around.

Today was the day that Gwen would be picking out her wedding dress, and the bridesmaids would also be trying to figure out a style as well. I knew that she wanted me in a different color than her other five friends, which was fine, but I also hated standing out - especially on a day like that.

It's not until Gwen is stepping out of the dressing room with the first wedding dress she's trying on that I'm drawn out of my thoughts. My eyes scan over the dress, and I suck in a deep breath as I take it in.

This style of dress is one that I've always pictured myself walking down the aisle in.

"I don't like it," those are the first words I hear leave Gwen's mouth as she looks in the mirror, and as much as I feel relief, I also feel insulted - even though I know she doesn't know this is the design I've always envisioned. "It's just too...boho?"

I roll my eyes, and I sit up in my seat a little more as my mother looks over to me. "Carter," she whispers, and I look over to her. "I need you to be a little less obvious, honey."

My head snaps over to my mom, and I sit up a bit more straight in my chair. "What do you mean?"

"I can tell that you'd rather be anywhere but here today."

I sigh as I close my eyes, leaning my head back on the chair. "I just don't feel like getting yelled at over every little thing, even if I don't feel like I'm doing anything wrong. I already know she's going to be over the top at the party tonight."

Gwen was already back in her dressing room trying on another gown - not even lasting a minute in the first one.

"You have to understand that she's under a lot of pressure with both work and the wedding," my mom tells me, and I try not to be angry with her for always defending Gwen, but I know in this case she is right. "Do I agree with the way I've seen her snap at you these past few months while planning? No, and I've talked to her about that when you're not around, but just try to be patient with her, okay? I've asked her to do the same with you."

I bite my tongue, wanting to explain that I never actually do anything to warrant Gwen being the way she is towards me sometimes, but I know that now is not the time or place.

"And think about Harry. He'd hate to know that his two most important girls are fighting."

That has me almost snapping. I hate when she brings Harry into the middle of Gwen and I having a disagreement. Whether it be her saying that he'd be upset to know we're fighting, or saying that one of us is going to feel uncomfortable being around Harry if we keep this up. I wish she'd leave him out of it. She knows that he's a weak spot for me - someone that I'd never wish to upset.

I hear gasps, and I look to see that Gwen has come out of the dressing room in a new gown.

This one is more her style. It has a large skirt with pockets, and a corset style top. It's a princess gown - just like she's always wanted.

My mom has already leapt up from her chair to head over to Gwen, and I finally push myself up to join them as well. I can hear how her friends are making over the dress as my sister stands and looks at herself in the mirror.

I pick up on the look in her eyes almost immediately. This is going to be the one she ends up choosing.

"It's beautiful," I tell her, and her eyes meet mine through the reflection. "You look gorgeous, Gweny."

She sends me a wild smile as she runs her hands over the front of the dress. "Yeah, you think, Carty?"

I send her a reassuring nod as I walk closer, placing my hands on her shoulders that were bare due to the corset top being strapless. "Absolutely. I remember the sketches you used to draw of your wedding dress when we were little. This is perfect."

Tears fill my sister's eyes, and she lifts one of her hands to rest on top of mine. "Thank you."

I press a kiss against the side of her head before I back away, giving my mom some time to talk to her as well.

The woman who was helping Gwen try on dresses comes back over after a minute, and Gwen is immediately telling her that she doesn't need to try any other dresses on - insisting this is the one.

It's clear there's going to need to be some alterations at the bottom because it's a bit too long, so they begin to measure that out as another young lady begins to gather options for bridesmaids dresses.

"Carter," I hear my name being called as I'm looking over the dresses, and I see Gwen peering over her shoulder at me. "You choose the bridesmaids dresses."

I was more than shocked to hear Gwen give me that type of control, especially when this was pertaining to her big day, but it also warmed my heart that she trusted me with this.

"Okay," I smile, turning my attention back to the rack of dresses with a look of concentration.

After looking through them a few times, I select three options, and the other girls and I give our size over to the worker so she can start getting them together.

I sit back down as we wait, and I pull my phone from my purse to see I have a text from Harry.

Him and I had been seeing each other a lot more lately since Gwen was in full wedding mode at this point. We hadn't hung out alone, however, since the day we toured the wedding venue. Gwen actually ended up going with that venue after touring two others - neither of them meeting up to her standards as much as the first.

From: Harry 11:14 am "How's the dress shopping going? Do each of you still have all of your limbs?"

I snicker softly to myself at his words, and I think back to the conversation we had yesterday when we were over at Gwen's to pick out what flowers she wanted. Harry said that he wouldn't be surprised if by the time we arrive at the engagement party tonight that one of us is missing an arm - the other a leg.

To: Harry 11:32 am "Surprisingly, yes. She's actually letting me pick out the bridesmaids dresses - believe it or not. But she already found her dress and, Harry, it's so beautiful."

My mom comes back over and sits in the chair next to me, and I see that she's dabbing at her eyes with a tissue. "That dress is just so stunning, isn't it?"

"It is," I agree with a nod. "It's just like the ones she's always pictured."

My phone vibrates again in my hand, but I don't have time to check it as I see one of the workers coming over to me with the three dresses I had picked out. I drop my phone into my purse knowing that I'll just have to respond to the text later as I get up from my chair - walking over to retrieve my dresses.

The bridesmaids and I go into our own dressing rooms, and I slip out of my clothes to try on the first dress. I run my hands over the material as I stare at myself in the mirror - lips pursed to the side. I'm doing my best not to let my emotions overwhelm me when I think about why I'm going to have to wear this dress.

Over the past few weeks, I've been trying my best to separate my feelings for Harry with the wedding, and I know how impossible that sounds, but I have to try. It's honestly helped that Harry and I haven't been alone anymore since we toured that wedding venue. With Gwen there, it's a lot easier for us not to fall into our old habits. As much as that separation pains me, it's necessary. I can tell that Harry has caught onto it a little bit - the little platonic touches that we once shared ceasing to exist lately.

He tried to pull me aside to ask if everything was okay last week when we were working on sending out their 'Save the Dates', Gwen having stepped away to take a business call.

"Is everything okay between us?" Harry had asked me, and I could see he was trying to catch my eyes as I addressed an envelope.

"What do you mean?" I responded, still keeping my eyes down - grabbing another envelope to work on to avoid the conversation.

I knew that I had never been one to close him off, and I had noticed his confused expression throughout the day when he would try to pinch me like usual, but I was constantly moving out of his reach before he could.

Harry sighed, reaching forward to take the envelope from me, and I had opened my mouth to protest but he cut me off. "You're acting weird, Carter. Did I do something?"

"I could've ruined that, you know? And then Gwen would've had my head for it," I laughed, trying to ease the tension but his sage colored eyes held something I had never seen when it came to him. Deciding to clear the air, I sat back in my seat a little bit, shaking my head. "You didn't do anything, Harry. Everything is fine, I promise. I've just been feeling a little off lately - nothing to do with you at all."

I hated lying to him, but it wasn't like I could tell him the truth.

"You know you can talk to me about anything, right? I'm always going to be here for you?"

My mind didn't even have the chance to process what he said at the time as Gwen entered the room again, sitting herself down at the table as we continued to work on the fancy stationery.

Kieran was still very adamant about me telling Harry everything, and she wanted me to do it soon. She said I needed to do it before it was too late. I know the longer I wait - the more confusing things will be. There's a part of me that nags at me constantly. It tells me that the longer I wait, the less time Harry will really have to extract everything that I would tell him, and it could end up causing a bigger issue.

I feel like if I tell him too close to the wedding it'll blow up in my face. He'll panic, and I think in that situation he would end up telling Gwen. I'm not completely sure, of course, but it's just an intuition that's been growing over time.

Stepping out of the dressing room, I see that the other girls are already out, and I realize that my thoughts had really caused me to get caught up. Gwen is looking at each of them, tapping the pad of her index finger against her chin as she tilts her head to the side.

"What do you think? There's two other styles I chose too," I explain because I can already tell that this one isn't doing it for her.

"I know I told you to choose them, but I'm not really liking this one, Carter. I'm sorry."

I shrug with a small laugh, shaking my head. "It's okay, Gwen. It is your day after all. We'll just try on the other ones."

The second dress was still not one that Gwen agreed upon, but thankfully the last one was. It was decided that I'd be walking down the aisle in a moss colored dress - the rest of the bridesmaids would be in a deep champagne color. When I saw the swatch of the color that my dress would be, my heart almost stopped right on the spot.

It was called 'Juniper', and it reminded me so much of the color of Harry's eyes.

I tried not to let my dazed expression linger on the stained material for too long, and when I came to completely, I let Gwen know that I loved the color. After that, I escaped back into the dressing room to change into the clothes I had worn to the bridal shop.

I walk back out after gathering myself, and I see that all the other girls have left - only my mom and Gwen left. Walking over to them, I send them a smile as I grab my purse from the chair I was sitting in. I sling it over my shoulder and then cross my arms over my chest.

"Carter, are you riding with your father and I to the party later?" My mother asks, and I shake my head.

"No, it's okay - I'll just take an Uber," I shrug, beginning to fish my phone out of my purse.

I see that I have a text back from Harry, but one from Kieran as well. When I open the message from Kieran, it's her telling me that she's come down with some sort of stomach bug, and that she won't be able to make it tonight.

"Oh no," I sigh, running a hand over the top of my head as I realize that I'm going to be stuck dealing with my emotions by myself tonight.

As I begin to text Kieran back, asking if I can drop off anything for her as I was still out, I hear Gwen speak up. "What's the matter?"

"Kieran's sick - said she's been getting sick all morning," I finish my text to her before opening my one from Harry, and I see that he was the one that had texted me back right before I got up to try my dresses on earlier. "She won't be able to make it tonight."

From: Harry 11:34 am "Oh, wow, not going to lie - that's a surprise. I'm glad that you guys are getting along though, I know how she can get when she's stressed. I can't wait to see her dress..."

"Wait, so she's just not coming?" I hear Gwen scoff, and I lift my eyes up from my phone - raising an eyebrow at her. "I made the reservation for the exact number of people."

"Did you not hear what I said?" I laugh in disbelief. I feel my face turning into a scowl, but I can't help. "She's been sick all morning, of course she's not coming. Are you serious right now?"

"Girls," my mom tries to speak up, but Gwen completely ignores her.

"You know, I only keep inviting her to all these things so you have someone to pal around with since you don't really have anyone except her and Harry. I wanted you to have someone there because we both know that Harry is going to be busy with me," Gwen walks forward, looking down at me as she is already taller, and today she has on heels. "Do I need to revoke her invitation to the wedding?"

My mouth gapes as she finishes speaking, and I can feel myself open and close it a few times - completely dumbfounded at the words she's just said to me.

"She's sick," I enunciate my words, not even caring what she's said about me. I'm mad that she's making so little over my friend. "I'm sure Harry would be more than understanding of that. Would you like for me to call him and explain instead?"

"That's enough," I hear my mom hiss at the two of us, trying to keep her voice as low as possible. "We are not doing this here. Gwen, the girl is sick - leave it be. Carter, don't throw her fiancé in her face like that."

My head snaps over to look at my mom, eyes widening in shock. "What? Am I wrong? You and I both know that Harry would be concerned about Kieran - not threaten to uninvite her to the wedding now."

"Carter, if you don't shut your mouth right now I'll-"

"You'll what?" I look at my sister again, anger flowing through me. "You'll do what, Gwen?"

Gwen keeps her mouth shut, nostrils flaring as she continues to try and intimidate me.

"That's what I thought," I whisper, lifting on my tiptoes a bit before moving around her. "I'll see you both tonight."

My hands shake as I force the doors of the bridal shop open, and I exhale a trembling breath once I'm out onto the street. I can feel my heart pounding against my chest - my adrenaline pumping through my veins. It's been a while since I had found myself getting so angry with Gwen, but the fact that she wanted to make such a big deal about Kieran canceling had me fuming.

As I walk towards my car, that's when I start to register the words that she said to me - throwing it in my face that Harry's attention would be on her at every event for the wedding. Did she really expect me to think that his attention would be on me? Of course it wouldn't. I'm so sick of this game she plays when it comes to Harry's attention.

Fuck, at this point it's not just his attention - it's also his affection.

I get into my driver's seat, tossing my purse into the passenger side as I run both of my hands through my hair. Giving myself a minute to try and calm down before driving, I hear my phone buzz, and I see Kieran has responded to me. She declined anything, saying that her girlfriend came over with a care basket just a few minutes ago, and she apologized again for missing the dinner.

Of course, I respond back and tell her not to worry about the dinner. I care more about her being healthy and okay than her forcing herself to go somewhere while she's sick.

Biting down on my bottom lip, I go into my contacts, and I hover my thumb over Harry's number. I want to get to him first. Get to him before Gwen.

I let instinct take over, clicking on the call button as I start up my car - having my phone switch over to Bluetooth.

"Hello?" Harry's voice sounds through my car as I pull out of my parking spot, and I feel a bit of pressure release in my chest.

"Hey, sorry, are you busy?"

"No, no," I can tell he's walking, the noise that was around him starting to fade. "Let me just get somewhere a bit quieter. I'm at the venue for tonight making sure that everything is set for the party - Gwen's orders."

I can't help but roll my eyes, but I know deep down that Harry is more than happy to do it for her. "Speaking of the party, has Gwen called you at all in the last five minutes?"

"She hasn't. Is something wrong?"

"Not necessarily no, and...I hate to put you in the middle of this, Harry, but-"

"Hold on a second, Carter," there's a beat of silence before he starts to speak again. "It's Gwen."

Sighing, I come to a red light, and I shut my eyes - leaning the back of my head against the headrest. I know that if he doesn't take this call from her that he'll end up getting the brunt of all of this, and I don't want that.

"Got it, uhm," I clear my throat. "Go ahead and take it. We'll talk later."

"You're sure?"

"Yeah, H, I'm sure. Now pick it up before you miss it. I don't want her getting angry with you."

"Alright, I can't wait to see you tonight."

"Me neither. Bye."

My eyes flutter back open just as the light in front of me turns green, and I suck in a deep breath. I should've just told him, but the last thing I want is Harry feeling Gwen's wrath. He doesn't deserve it.

And for the first time, I'm really starting to realize that maybe Gwen doesn't deserve him.

⋆★★⋆

My uncomfortable heels click across the foyer of the venue for tonight's engagement party. It's a large venue, with two different floors, and Gwen has the whole lower level booked out. I walk inside to see there's already a decent amount of people here.

I honestly don't care that I'm a little late.

Gwen wasn't going to pay attention tonight to me anyway, and I'm sure that my parents hadn't even noticed my absence due to them running around to take care of every little thing the bride-to-be wanted.

I let my eyes wander around to try to catch sight of my parents, or Gwen, but the first person I see is Harry.

He's caught up in conversation, but I can't help but admire him. His curls styled perfectly on the top of his head - dimples popping in his cheeks. His body is adorned in a pair of dark khaki trousers, a shimmery silver tank top and a white cropped suit jacket with black lining the neckline.

Butterflies erupt in my stomach with just how handsome he looks, and I feel my breathing stutter a bit - my knees buckling.

But then I remember why I'm here, and why we're both dressed up. We're not here for each other - not in that way.

Harry continues to speak, and I can see his eyes moving around as he does so. He's still polite, fully engaging in the conversation as his sight coasts over me. He looks away for just a moment before he double takes, and then he's honed in right on me again. I see his smile widen even more, turning completely to the person next to him for a moment, and before I know it, he's walking over to me.

I begin to walk towards him as well, fidgeting with my clutch in my hands. "Hi, H."

"Hi, Carter," his arms wrap around me like it's instinct, and I rest my cheek against his chest - arms around his waist. "You look beautiful."

I feel him plant a kiss to my hair before we separate, and I know my cheeks are on fire. "Thank you. You look handsome yourself."

My eyes catch sight of his swallows practically on full display with his cross pendant right between - a pearl necklace hugging a bit closer to her neck. I can see the flush coating his skin at my compliment as he shoves his hands into his pockets.

"Drink?" Harry tilts his head to the bar, raising his eyebrows at me.

"Please."

He slips one of his hands out of his pockets, hovering it over my lower back as we start towards one of the bars - one being set up on both sides of the room.

"What are we thinking?"

I purse my lips to the side, looking around quickly to see no sign of Gwen. "How about we sneak two Casamigos real quick? And then I'll take a Moscow Mule to drink."

Harry smirks at me as he leans against the bar. He orders our drinks before looking back to me with a shake of his head. "You wouldn't be trying to get me in trouble, would you?"

I scoff playfully, flipping my hair over my shoulder. "Of course not. What ever would give you that idea?"

Our shots and drinks get put on the bar, Harry getting a Mexican Mule for himself, and we quickly grab the shot glasses. We raise them in the air, our eyes meeting each other's.

"To your engagement," the words tumble out of my mouth before I can even register, and I know that my smile has dropped slightly.

Harry sucks in a deep breath, and we tap our glasses together - clinking them on the bar top as well before letting the clear liquid slide down our throats. I set my glass down while coughing slightly, grabbing my drink to wash down the taste.

"First one is always the hardest," Harry chokes, hitting his fist against his chest a bit as he mimics my action - sipping his own drink.

Once we both settle, we move away from the bar, but we're still slightly against the wall as more people begin to pile in. "Where's Gwen?"

"Something was going on with her hair," Harry sighs. "Your mother has been in the dressing room with her for about half an hour trying to get it straight. Your dad is currently with the head of catering to make sure everything is right."

I want to make a comment about how she has everyone running around for her, but I hold back.

"I'm guessing you wanted to talk to me about the Kieran situation earlier?" I turn to look at Harry, and he sends me a half smile. "That's why she was calling me while I was on the phone with you."

With my clutch now tucked under my arm, I look down at my drink - using the small little cocktail straw to stir it around. "I wanted to explain things before she called you because I knew she was going to. And I wanted to explain my side, and I know I shouldn't have brought you into it, but-"

"Carter," Harry laughs softly, bringing his hand up to rest on the back of my neck for a moment - giving it a soft squeeze. "I'm not mad at you. Gwen explained what happened, and I told her she should've handled it differently. If Kieran's sick, then she's sick. How's she feeling by the way?"

I stare at Harry with slightly wide eyes, not being completely shocked that he's so understanding, but I'm just a little surprised. He drops his hand away from my neck, tucking it back into his trouser pocket as he takes a sip of his drink.

"S-she's feeling okay," I stammer slightly, my neck still burning from his touch. "Her girlfriend came over to take care of her from what she said."

"Good, I'm glad, and don't worry - she's still very much invited to the wedding. I even told Gwen to let her bring a plus one since you'll be wrapped up with the wedding party most of the time."

My heart flutters as Harry speaks, and I try my best not to question how someone so caring is with someone like my sister. Gwen can be that way at times, sure, but she's nothing like Harry.

"Are you sure? Gwen said Kieran had to be my plus one, and I don't want to put you guys out. I know Kieran wouldn't want to either."

"We have plenty of room, remember? Need to fill it somehow," Harry sends me a wink, clearly alluding to the remark I made about the venue being too big just as I hear the fast clicking of heels. I look past him to see Gwen and my mom rushing towards us.

My stomach sinks, and I immediately feel myself stiffen at the sight of my sister. After what happened earlier, and knowing that she's already been flustered since being here, I'm preparing myself for the worst.

"Harry," Gwen practically gasps once she gets over to him. "What are you doing? You're supposed to be greeting everyone as they come in."

"Well, it's kind of hard to do that when it's just me. Everyone thinks I'm just open to being wrapped up in a conversation since you're not beside me."

Gwen looks at me, cutting her eyes a bit. "You could've given him a little direction, Carter, hm?"

I open my mouth to answer, but Harry speaks up instead. "Don't put this on her. She just got here anyway, and I've just finished setting her up with a drink. You want to go greet people? Let's go."

Harry's arm shoots out to wrap around Gwen's waist, and before she can think of speaking another word to me, they're heading towards the entrance of the room.

I feel my body relax once she's gone, but I can see my mother continuing to stare at me out of my peripheral. "What?"

"Be careful, Carter," her tone is dark, one that I haven't heard from her before, and I narrow my eyebrows before she continues. "I love you dearly, you and your sister both, but I've known about what you've been keeping down. I've seen it for years, and now is not the time to start letting it come out."

A knot forms in my throat with her words, and I do my best to swallow it down.

"You will not ruin this for your sister, do you hear me? You know that you've had all the time in the world to speak up - don't you dare to decide to do it now. I tried to be patient with you earlier, but enough is enough.”

I don't even have a chance to respond before she's walking away from me. I'm fighting to push back the tears gathering at my waterline, and as I turn to find the restroom, I walk directly into my father's chest.

"Pumpkin," he coos, a smile on his face before he studies me properly. "Hey, what's going on? Is everything alright?"

As much as I want to open up to him, and tell him about how it's basically been Gwen and my mother against me all day, I decide not to. My mother's right - I need to put my feelings aside for my sister.

"Y-yeah, dad," I force a smile onto my lips. "Just a little emotional is all, you know? For both Gwen and Harry."

I can tell that he's not really buying it, and he and Gwen are similar in that way. They can read people like an open book most of the time, so I know that he can see there's something else going on.

I've also been closer to my father than I have my mother. There wasn't really any reason in particular, both of my parents supported my art degree, but neither of them were too thrilled I chose to do tattooing with that. My father, however, has always been just the slightest bit more supportive. I've always felt like I could be more honest with him, and he wouldn't judge me for certain things.

"Alright," he nods at me, pulling me into a hug. I feel his lips against my temple before he talks again. "I know they've both been a bit much lately, your mother and Gwen, and just know I'm here if you need to talk about it."

Curling into him, I give him a nod as I hold my drink to my chest. "I'll be okay. I just can't wait until this is all over."

He chuckles, and I can't help but smile when I feel the rumble in his chest. "You and me both."

My father presses another quick kiss to my forehead before we unravel, and he orders himself a drink from the bar.

It's only a few minutes later that the DJ is announcing that it's time for everyone to gather at their seats as dinner is going to start being served.

As we gather around the main table, my parents are to the left side of Gwen, Harry to her right, and then Harry's parents to his right. I'm sitting directly across from Harry, the other bridesmaids filling out my side of the table on each side of me. I know that originally I was supposed to be directly across from Gwen, but now her best friend is sitting there. I'm sure it has to do with her being so unhappy with me today, but it's honestly a relief.

"Carter, dear, we haven't seen you in so long. How are you?" I hear Harry's mother ask me, and I send her a sweet smile as I sip the disgusting, and dry white wine that was served with dinner.

"I'm very good, thanks. About to finish my tattoo apprenticeship up, actually. I only have a month to go," I say, taking a quick sip of water to wash down the bad taste. "How are you guys? You both look wonderful. I can't believe it's been almost two years since we've last seen each other."

The conversation between Harry and I's parents continues for most of the dinner, and I see Gwen scowling every now and then out of the corner of my eye. At one point, my eyes had met Harry's, and I could see a gleam in them as he sent me a soft smile. I returned it, fighting the urge to reach across the table and swipe my fingertips against the back of his hand that was resting beside the copper mug with his cocktail in it.

I could feel the tension growing between Gwen and I throughout our time at the table. Anytime that she caught Harry and I speaking, she would make sure to put her hands on him in some way - trying to draw his attention away from me. Every part of me wanted to stand up and scream at her. I was on the verge of professing my feelings in front of everyone just to have it out in the open for all to see, but I knew I couldn't do that.

Mostly it wouldn't be fair to me, but it also wouldn't be fair to Harry.

Once dinner had finished, I found myself standing against one of the walls as the party continued. I was on my third cocktail, only having one more shot of tequila than the one that Harry and I did earlier. I was a bit buzzed, but nothing outside of my usual limit.

I searched around for either Harry or Gwen with my lip tucked between my teeth - seeing neither of them. Sighing, I sip down the rest of my cocktail and set the empty copper mug down on the bar before heading towards the restroom.

My eyes are on my feet as I walk, and in reality, I'm contemplating just calling an Uber and leaving early. This wasn't enjoyable for me in any way, and I'd rather just be at home.

A hand wraps around my wrist, and I gasp out in surprise as I'm pulled behind a halfway wall, separating the main foyer from the bathrooms and employee areas. Once I'm steady again, my sight sets on Harry who's giving me a cheeky grin - one hand behind his back.

"What are you doing?" I laugh, my face already aching from how hard I'm smiling.

He quickly whips a bottle of Casamigos from behind his back, and my jaw goes slack. "Harry, are you insane?"

Harry lets out a small giggle as he pops the cork from the bottle, carelessly tossing it to the side as he extends it out to me. "Maybe...I don't know. I figured we both could use a little pick me up, yeah?"

"Okay, yeah, I get it, but what if Gwen-"

"I'll deal with her," he cuts me off almost immediately, eyes set on mine.

My eyes dart between him and the alcohol for a few seconds before I look around to make sure no one else is around us. I snatch the bottle from him, and I bring it to my lips - gulping down a few sips with a wince. I shove it back into his chest as I push the back of my hand against my mouth to smother my coughs.

"Jesus," I choke as I watch Harry swig from the bottle as well, swallowing down my gag reflex that wants to show itself.

He lets out a loud 'ah' as he pulls the liquor from his lips - smacking them slightly. "Fuck, that's good."

"Weren't you the one asking me if I was trying to get you in trouble earlier? I think you were trying to deflect. Maybe you had the idea in your head to cause some chaos all along, hm?"

A loud laugh leaves Harry as he tilts his head back, and he's quick to snap his free hand over his mouth just as I'm reaching forward to do the same - his eyes wide. I let out a giggle as my hand clamps over his, and then I shush him softly. "You're going to blow our cover."

I can feel Harry's fist that's still clutching the bottle against my hip, my hand not covering his mouth falling against his shoulder.

For once, I don't try to hide the fact that my eyes are dancing all over his face, and I can see that his are doing the same. Our hands covering his mouth lower at the same time as we move a bit closer - chests almost flush against one another.

"Gwen!" I hear the DJ announce through the system, and Harry and I step apart. "We need the bride-to-be at the photo booth for pictures! Has anyone seen Gwen?"

I watch as Harry lifts his hand to run his index finger along the underside of his chin, and I begin to back further away. "I'm going to use the restroom."

He nods at me, but never once does he allow his gaze to fall away from my frame. "Yeah, I'll probably...I need to go back out there. I'm going to stash this under the table my parents are sitting at, okay?"

I can't help but let out another laugh at him, and I nod. "Okay, H, we can sneak it again in a little bit."

"Just like old times," Harry sighs, and before I can respond the DJ is calling for Gwen again.

"Hurry!" I encourage him with a fit of laughter, and he quickly darts out from behind of our barrier to hide the bottle before my sister sees.

I quickly make my way into the bathroom to disguise anything else that may seem suspicious, and with the way the alcohol is making me feel, I can't help but to keep giggling. It's like all of a sudden I'm transported back to the earlier days of Harry and I's friendship - when we'd be getting drunk at parties, but still being safe.

After heading into one of the stalls, I start to use the restroom as I hear the door open. I instantly hear female laughter before they begin to speak.

"Gwen is so irritated with her sister. It's more than obvious," I hear one voice speak, and I can tell it's one of the bridesmaids.

"I mean, I don't blame her. I understand that she and Harry were friends first, but it's apparent that her little sister is obsessed with him. If I was Gwen, I wouldn't even have her in my wedding."

Clenching my fists in my lap, I try to will away my tears for the second time tonight while they continue to speak.

"No, you're so right. I keep thinking the same thing," the first girl scoffs. "Maybe we should say something to Gwen?"

"I don't know. I think she's well aware of what's going on. Carter just wants Harry for herself. Fuck, if that was my sister, I'd..."

I flush the toilet to drown out the rest of their words, and I confidently walk out of my stall. The eyes of the two bridesmaids widen as I approach the sink farthest away from them - beginning to wash my hands. I recognize them both as girls Gwen chose that she went to college with, but I really don't even know them.

Grabbing some paper towels, I dry my hands off as I walk behind them, and I want to find it in myself to say something to them, but I know it won't be worth it in the end. I meet the eyes of one of the girls in the mirror as I toss my paper towels away just before I exit the bathroom. My eyes instantly latch onto the table Harry's parents are sitting at, and I know I need another shot to calm my nerves.

I sit down next to Harry's mother in an empty seat, and she sends me a knowing smile as I slide my hand underneath the table cloth to try and find what I'm searching for.

"How'd you know it'd be right here next to me?"

I laugh with a shrug as I feel my fingers brush against the bottle. "Because I know Harry would have plopped himself right down in this seat next to you. I know he's attached to your hip. I've never teased him about it ever, I hope you know, because I find it so sweet."

His mother lets out a loud cackle - so similar to Harry's when he laughs hard. "Well, you're not wrong about that."

Ducking down, I take a few sips from the bottle before stashing it away again, and that's when I hear the beginning of a song that instantly gets my heart jumping.

I gasp as I get up from my chair. Making my way through the room, my arms push amongst the crowd as my eyes search for the one person I need. I make my way to the middle of the dancefloor and I'm instantly met with Harry again - large smiles taking over our faces.

"Did you add this?" I ask, pointing up as his smile turns into a smirk.

"It wouldn't be a party without this song, now would it?"

The intro continues to play, but once the vocals come in, it's like Harry and I forget about everyone else. We're dancing and singing like we used to together - our movements sloppy, and uncoordinated.

"Oh, say you'll be there. I'm giving you everything. All that joy can bring, this I swear, ow."

Harry slides on the floor with his hands out, moving closer to me, and I can see that some of the people around us were clearing out - others around the party looking directly at us.

"Last time that we had this conversation, I decided we should be friends, yeah. But now, we're going 'round in circles tell me will this déjà vu never end? No. And now you tell me that you're falling in love well, I never ever thought that would be, hey. This time, you gotta take it easy - throwing far too much emotions at me."

Looking over to Harry, I see him shimmying just like he used to in college - bottom lip tucked between his teeth. For a moment, I have a flashback of him with his long curls tied back in a bun, and his body covered in tight black skinny jeans with a button up that would be barely buttoned.

I begin to not care about the people looking at us dancing together, and I can tell the alcohol was really kicking in. I almost want to rub it not only in those bridesmaids' faces, but also Gwen's face that my best friend was choosing to dance with me over anyone else.

"But any fool can see they're falling. I gotta make you understand. I'm giving you everything. All that joy can bring, this I swear (I'll give you everything). And all that I want from you is a promise you will be there. Say you will be there, ow Say you will be there, ah, won't you sing it with me?"

I feel one of Harry's hands on my waist, his other one moving to grab my hand as we dance lazily with each other. My head tilts back with a giggle as he begins to spin me for a bit before letting me go again, dancing separately once more.

"If you put two and two together you will see what our friendship is for, oh. If you can't work this equation then I guess I'll have to show you the door. There is no need to say you love me, it would be better left unsaid."

As the song starts going into the last choruses, I start to really register the lyrics, and I feel an ache start to grow in my chest. My movements slow down as I stare at Harry who still has a wide smile on his face as he dances across the floor - just as freely as I can remember from before.

Turning my head, I can see Gwen pushing through people out of the corner of my eye, and she eventually moves to stand right in front of us.

"What do the two of you think you're doing?" Gwen snaps at the both of us, but still keeps her voice just loud enough to where we're the only ones who can hear her over the music.

"What do you mean? We're just dancing, Gwen," Harry says as he starts to slow down as well, and I watch as my sister sends him one of the most pointed looks I've ever seen.

"This is our engagement party, Harry, and I come back from taking pictures and freshening up to see everyone standing around watching my fiancé and my little sister dance together?"

"Come on, it's not like that, and you know," I've never really seen Harry fight before like he is tonight, and it seems like the realization as to why hits Gwen and I both at the same time.

"How much have you had to drink?" She walks forward so that she's closer to his face, and I can tell she's trying to smell his breath. "Jesus Christ, Harry, you fucking reek of tequila."

Harry rolls his eyes, and I can start to feel anger rising in me as well. "Give it a rest," I speak up, shaking my head. "It's his party too, and he's just trying to have some fun."

Gwen now looks over to me, and I already know that I'm going to get a mouthful from her. "What the hell is your problem, Carter? You guys aren't in college anymore. You can't just keep trying to make him be that friend to you again. Are you doing this on purpose to try and embarrass me tonight or something?"

Now I'm the one to roll my eyes, and I can't even find it in me to answer her as I walk away. I snatch my clutch from the table where I left it as I head towards the door that leads to a small outdoor area - needing fresh air. I immediately feel the chill as I walk outside, and I open up my clutch to snatch my pack of cigarettes. I place one of the sticks between my lips before lighting it up, putting everything back into my clutch as I inhale - the nicotine filling my lungs.

I wrap my arms around myself to battle the cold, balancing the cigarette between my fingers by resting the heel of my palm against my bicep.

I should've known that Gwen was going to try and twist what was just going on into something that it wasn't. I can only imagine what she's currently saying to Harry, or the complaints that she's spewing to my parents.

With a shaky hand, I bring the cigarette back up to my lips as I hear the door I previously walked out of open behind me. I peer over my shoulder to see Harry, and I suck in a deep drag as he moves to stand right beside me.

"I'm sorry," he sighs, looking down to his feet with his hands in his pockets. "I didn't think us dancing like that was going to be such an issue."

I blow the smoke from my mouth before I respond, licking over my lower lip. "It's not your fault, H. We were just trying to have fun, and she wants this to be some over the top formal occasion, which it is, but she wants it to be so serious."

From the corner of my eye, I can see that Harry is eying my cigarette. I chew on the inside of my cheek as I extend my hand out - offering it to him. I knew that Gwen had made him quit smoking within the first year of them dating, and I wasn't sure if he had smoked at all since.

"You don't have to if you don't want to," I shrug. "I know it may not help your case tonight if you do."

Harry looks at the stick for a moment before he shakes his head. "Fuck it."

He takes the cigarette from me and brings it to his heart shaped lips, and I watch as the end of it glows bright orange. My eyes drop to his chest as it expands before he tilts his head back and blows the smoke up towards the sky. I see that his shoulders deflate, and I know that the nicotine is already starting to help him calm down a bit.

Looking back over to me, Harry's eyes trail over my stance, and he quickly raises his eyebrows. "Here," he says before tucking the cigarette between his lips. He shrugs his jacket off and walks over to me - wrapping it around my shoulders.

"Harry, you're going to be cold now too. All you have is a tank top on," I try to fight him, going to drag the jacket off my body but he holds it tight against me.

"I don't care about me," he says, cigarette bobbing up and down with his voice slightly muffled. "I can tell you're absolutely freezing, and I can't have that."

My heart palpitates at his words, his sage colored eyes meeting mine for what feels like the millionth time tonight as he keeps his hands on my shoulders.

This is all reminding me of a night back in college when we went to a local bar with friends, and I was beside myself. I wasn't really in the state of mind to be around everyone like I was, so I had dipped out to smoke a cigarette on the sidewalk to try and ease my nerves. Harry found me, just like he did tonight, and he realized right away that I didn't want to be there any longer. He immediately told our friends that we were leaving, and we ended up stopping by a gas station to brown bag a bottle of malt liquor in a park.

We were passing the bottle back and forth as we lazily swung on swings together, and eventually Harry could tell that I was getting cold. So reminiscent of what's just happened now, Harry wrapped his jacket around me underneath the moon and the stars - all while a cigarette dangled between his plump lips.

"Gwen might have a point, Harry," I tell him sadly, my lips twitching down into a frown.

Harry pulls the stick from his mouth after taking another drag, blowing the smoke through his nose as he sends me a questionable look. "What are you talking about?"

"Us, our friendship," my pulse begins to quicken as I speak - the words that are coming out feel as if they're burning my tongue. "Maybe I am just really trying to keep what we had when it was just us, and that's not fair. That's not fair to you, it's not fair to Gwen, and...it's not fair to me."

I can see anxiety pooling in Harry's eyes, and he closes the gap between us even more. Bringing his free hand up, he cups the side of my neck - the pad of his thumb grazing my jawline. "Carter, I know you're not trying to say what I think you're saying right now..."

It's obvious he wants to say more, but he trails off a bit. My bottom lip wobbles as I try to gather my thoughts. I know that I need to be careful in what I say next.

"I don't want to cause issues between the two of you. You're practically just starting the rest of your lives together, and I just keep getting in the middle."

Harry quickly flicks the cigarette onto the ground, snuffing it out with the toe of his shoe as he brings his other hand up to tuck a strand of hair behind my ear. "You listen to me right now," his voice is low - causing a knot to form in my stomach. "I don't ever want to hear you try and sacrifice our friendship to please someone else. You got that?"

I lift up my hands to push against his chest, trying to pull away from him, but he pulls me right back in. “But Harry, it’s Gwen, she’s going to be your wife, and-”

"Carter, I'm serious," his tone is now pleading, and I see that his eyes are glazing over. "I don't know what I would do if I didn't have you in my life, and you saying what you said just now is scaring me shitless. Please promise me that you're not going anywhere. Not now, not after the wedding - never."

I remain silent as I blink, feeling tears beginning to streak down my cheeks. My brain is telling me to respond, but the squeezing of my heart is telling me that if I speak this could turn into a full on confession, and that's the last thing either of us need tonight.

"Please," he whispers, both hands moving to cup my cheeks with his fingers tangled into the sides of my hair. "I need you, and I know I may have had a shitty way of showing it lately, but I do. You're my best fucking friend."

And that's all I'll ever be.

Those words were about to creep their way out before the same door as before opens behind us, causing Harry and I to jump away from each other. He walks away from me while running his fingers over his lips that were pursed to the side, and I'm expecting at any moment to hear Gwen's voice.

But it's not hers that begins to speak.

"Carter," I cringe as I realize it's my mother who's made her way out here, and I suck in a deep breath before looking at her over my shoulder. "You need to go home. Now."

More tears begin to fall as I keep eye contact with her, shrugging Harry's jacket off my shoulders.

"And Harry," she continues as I look back over to him, extending his jacket out for him to take. "You need to get back inside. Gwen is a wreck, and you need to fix this."

Harry takes his jacket from me, slipping it back on as he looks at me. I can tell that he's still trying not to cry, and I'm sure that seeing my tears freely falling isn't helping with the emotions he's going through at the moment.

"For Christ's sake," my mother steps forward, and she's quickly grabbing my hand - tugging me away from Harry. "You're both adults, and you need to start acting like it. I don't know what I just saw when I walked out here, but I won't be uttering a word about it to Gwen. With that being said, you both need to do what I've asked right now. I will not repeat myself."

It's clear that Harry is very much battling himself as to what to do, so I make the decision for him. I give him a soft nod, choking down the lump in my throat. "Go inside, Harry. I'm going home."

Harry's expression becomes one of pain before he's looking away from me, his head hung as he heads back into the building - the music from the party bleeding outside for just a moment before it grows quiet.

"Mom, I can-"

"I raised you better than this," she tells me, her hand dropping mine so she can point her finger in my face. "Do you realize how selfish you're being? Do you realize the magnitude of your actions? I come out here to try to smooth things over, but instead I find you both with hands all over each other - as if I was interrupting something."

"It wasn't like that, I swear. I was trying to tell him that we need separation, but he got scared. He's scared to lose me, and I can't...I don't want to hurt him," I shut my eyes tight - my arms wrapping around myself once more. "He's my best friend."

"You and I both know that he's not just a best friend to you," she says sharply. "You need to grow up, Carter. You're acting like a child, and this game that you're playing stops tonight. Is that understood?"

As much as I want to argue that I'm not trying to play any kind of game, and that I'm just trying to hold onto something so dear to me, I give in.

"Yes, I understand," I hold back the sob rising in my chest as I open my clutch to get out my phone. "Don't worry, I'm going home."

Walking away from my mom, I quickly order an Uber as I walk around the side of the venue so I'm now at the front. My teeth chatter together as the wind picks up - crashing harshly against my frame. I close my eyes as I suck in a deep breath, processing everything that happened tonight.

I thought that I would have a few more months before my life completely changed, but it seems what just happened was actually the beginning.

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