#I'm feeling a bit better physically now I'm at my usual pain level for the most part but i have a thing i was really excited to do tomorrow | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

tellthemeerkatsitsfine · 3 months

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I used to somewhat frequently get really bad chronic physical anxiety symptoms, like I’d mentally feel not that bad but I’d still feel dizzy and lightheaded and feel like throwing up and a bit numb everywhere and my chest would hurt, and then of course I’d worry that this means I’m dying so then I would start to feel anxious, and that would make it worse. I even went to the emergency room a couple of times when these feelings were accompanied by particularly severe chest pains. They hooked me up to machines and did all kinds of tests and eventually said it’s just that I’ve got so much anxiety happening so chronically that it’s causing physical symptoms to also happen chronically. That or there was some physical cause that they missed with all their EKG tests and breathing tests and blood tests and other things, which would be quite a coincidence, if I had my several different anxiety disorder diagnoses and also a different thing that caused all the same symptoms. I don't know. They did find my blood pressure runs low and tell me to eat more salt, and someone said something about a thyroid being a possibility but never followed it up. Maybe I should follow that up.

But these were weird and extra scary because they weren’t just happening during a panic attack, or while I was freaking out about something and I could make them go away by calming down. They’d come on with seemingly no warning and they wouldn’t go away and I hated it so much. There have been a few years in my life where this has happened regularly, most days, and I’ve generally had to make some major life change to get it to stop.

Outside of those few years, this has been something that happens occasionally, and it freaks me out, but I try to remind myself that I’ve had it before and it’ll pass, and it usually does within a few days. As of now I actually hadn’t had it for quite a while – not in that way where the physical symptoms just come on with no obvious warning or antecedent, that is. And yet it’s been happening all day today. I feel fucking terrible and I’m writing this post because of course I hope it’s just that again, but I can’t really know.

It’s really frustrating, because I’ve just gone three weeks without drinking for the first time in many years. And I’m pleased about that. But I’m always hearing and reading people saying that when they stopped drinking they felt so much better and healthier physically and psychologically, and I’ve had the opposite pretty much from the start, and it doesn’t mean I’m going to abandon my plan to cut back but it does seem unfair. To my justice-obsessed brain, if I have to live without doing that thing I really enjoy, which is drinking whiskey and watching old comedy videos every weekend, I’m supposed to feel better in exchange, not have my anxiety levels ramp up to the point where I’m dizzy and almost throwing up and a bunch of other physical symptoms that I could get from alcohol too, but at least if I got them from drinking then I’d have fun in he process. Last night I woke up in the middle of the night convinced the world was going to spin off its axis and I was dizzy and I couldn’t get back to sleep for two hours. That’s what’s supposed to happen during a drunk/hungover sleep, as a price I pay for having fun drinking. It’s not supposed to happen when I haven’t had a drink in three weeks.

I don't really know why any of this is happening because things are actually going relatively well right now, maybe it's low blood pressure. I'd just like to say, I feel cheated. I know that not drinking is still a good idea and it's what people should do and everything and it's what I'm doing, but I was promised that this would feel better in at least one way and I feel cheated because I'm still waking up in the middle of the night panicking and I'm still dizzy and lightheaded. It would sure be great if these symptoms would slow down before I have to go to work on Monday. This is exactly the sort of thing that I'm afraid of when I worry that I'm not functional enough to keep a fulltime in-person job longterm, that this sort of thing will happen when I'm working. Hasn't really happened since I started working in person last year, but it is now, so that's good. I'm living in a friend's house at, as the British say, mate's rates, but I still do have some rent to pay.

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howtobeapersonwithfibro · 10 months

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9, 14, 16 for the disability asks please (if you haven't answered them already)

9. how do you measure your energy? (spoons, battery, something else?)

I do refer to the spoon theory/low spoons but not on a super regular basis. I don't really track my energy levels. I'll usually just describe it as a bad pain/fatigue day and not feeling "up to" much (or the rare better day, lol).

14. has there ever been a time where you felt solidarity/community with another disabled person in a situation with you?

on tumblr, absolutely. so many posts I read and just take a minute because I relate so deeply and I'm so glad there are other people out there who are "like me."

in person, not so much, but I do have a couple new IRL friends who I suspect to have POTS and our conversations are all like them describing very familiar dizziness/symptoms or chronic pain from other stuff and I'm just like yeah y'all probably have POTS it sucks but we're in it together.

it's nice not having to worry about pressure that abled friends might give, we all encourage each other and give each other lots of slack when it comes to canceling plans etc.

16. free space to talk about whatever disability issue or experience you want !

I struggle feeling like a part-time abled person, part-time disabled person, full time nothing. I'll be severely disabled from symptom flares for maybe 3/4 or more of the year (maybe less recently), which can be months at a time or occasionally just days, before mysteriously having a "good" period of time where I can do more chores, more physical activity, maybe even classes or a job, like right now. I feel such a strong identity in my disability that when it goes into hibernation for a bit, I lose some sense of self and feel like I'm "losing" something by feeling more abled. Would love to talk about this more in the comments if anyone relates.

thank you for the ask! i've been enjoying this ask game series very much!

#fibro #spoonie #chronic illness #disability #disability pride month #disability ask game #ask game #answered asks #pots #me/cfs

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morning-jellyfish-in-a-teacup · 9 months

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I'm starting to get a bit concerned about how fast I've lost all the weight and the effect it's having on me.

When I look in a mirror, I can physically see the weight loss. My hips are a bit slimmer, my pelvic bones are very slightly visible, my stomach is much flatter, and my thighs don't touch nearly as much as before I lost the weight. That's great and all, I think I look much better and I'm happy I'm not so close to being overweight. The feeling it's left me with, though, is honestly a bit scary.

The weight loss first started at the end of June / start of July when I got sick with food poisoning. Since I was getting sick all the time and couldn't really eat, the water weight just fell right off. That gave me the motivation to keep dieting and try to reach my gw. Thing is, I've fallen into probably my worst depressive episode yet. Depression is something I struggle with, but I'm usually able to pull myself out of it when things start getting bad. This time, however, I haven't been able to do that. It's been over a month and I haven't been able to make any changes. I'm worried that the drastic dieting has messed up my hormones and caused endorphin or dopamine levels to drastically drop but ... idk.

The other thing scaring me about how fast I lost the weight is I'm worried I've been losing muscle mass rather than fat. I haven't been keeping up with protein intake, just not something I thought about. When I was taking a shower this morning, I got a really achey type pain my shoulders as I was washing my hair. That's not normal for me and I haven't done anything that would've caused that pain ... except the possibility of losing muscle instead of fat. So ... I'm very worried.

I've been wanting to lose weight mostly for health but also aesthethics. I'm 5ft4in and weighed 145lbs. That means, looking at my bmi, if I gained any more weight, I'd be considered overweight. No matter how hard I tried to lose the weight, though, I could never do it. Now that I'm finally doing it, I don't want to stop until I'm at my goal. But the effects it's having ... I just don't know anymore. The depression and shoulder pain, that's all after I started dieting.

If anyone has any insight on what to possibly do, I'd love to hear it. I really don't know what to do with the given situation...

#tw ana diary #tw ana shit #tw ed diet #low cal restriction #weight loss #tw weighloss #tw body image #tw ana fast #anorex14

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koushirouizumi · 1 year

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(VENT) Tw: Illness

Tw: Vomit

(YEAH)

So I'll admit I was more than a little irritated last night (mainly due to absolute sh*t attitudes and horrid fan entitlement behavior, up to and including horrid treatment aimed at fans of different parts of the franchise that I've been seeing around Digi-Twit since Mille ep dropped literally every time I try to check for decent things, seriously is basic decency towards other bloggers and fans not even a THING there anymore???) but that ASIDE.

Hi yes I'm still actually hyper-thyroidism and yes it's a genuine condition I have DIAGNOSED for 10+ years that I've mentioned off and on my blog since Tri era. I've had this diagnosed before Tri even dropped; yes I medicated for it as long as possible and overall that's helped (which is why I rb a lot more about Aut!issues) but I still experience symptoms off and on at times even when medicating, especially when my levels fluctuate really suddenly (I've talked about that before TOO...)

Anyway I was trying to take tylenol for physical pain earlier (which may or may not be unrelated, really bad stiffness all over basically etc) and basically threw up almost immediately after (I had taken tylenol abt 4 hrs before) I'm usually great at keeping tylenol down and 4 hrs is usually when it's wearing off for me as of lately (it tends to wear off faster in recent years) but hahaaa either I took it too early this time or I may genuinely have a stomach virus (C.O.V.I.D??? Who knows but I'm NOT running fever, sense of smell is fine, no sinus issues or chest specific pain atm etc it was more all over elsewhere,,, temp's actually low including right after that happened and this is very average for me, I typically have low temp especially early in morning and at night as of recent last 10~ years since thyroid diagnosis and I have NO idea why, since I did get fevers off and on as a tiny kid, but well)

I'll take a test in the morning (fortunately we still have some of the free ones) but so far last couple times I tried one in past months it came back negative each time.

After this thing tonight happened I did start feeling a bit better (still some irritation), but this has been a chronic issue ongoing 12~24 hours now with off-and-on pain cycles so who knows how much longer this is gonna last

Anyway when I say to people who rudely act like that towards other fans BACK OFF AND GIVE ME SOME SPACE this is what I MEAN because my f*cking health is way more important than ANYTHING TO DO WITH DigiAdvs, 02, or anything else fan wise and I'd put every single project I've planned on hold effective immeditely if it meant taking care of myself during an instance like this

Blogs will be on auto-queue until I feel better enough to re blog again but expect a LOT of Disabled P.S.A posts to come since Yes This Topic Is Important To Me And I'm NOT Ever Going To Stop rbng awareness about it OK Thanks

#koushirouizumi vents #koushirouizumi health #koushirouizumi personal #koushirouizumi thyroid #koushirouizumi 02 stan-dom vents #*Might Delete Post Later #(or shorten it at least)#(for now)#(YEAH I'M More than a little Angry)#(I could have f*cking C.O.V.I.D for all I know and I'm HOPING NOT)#(I avoided it this long)#(but seriously)#(if ANYONE comes to my blog to start acting wildly rude you are blocked and possibly hardblocked)#(DON'T F*CKING DO IT)#(This is a very hard boundary I've set since the very beginning)#(If my Issues flare up I can LEGIT wind up in the hospital again)#(and not sorry I've been trying to AVOID THAT)#(if taking care of myself means I have to sound a bit like a ~~b*tch~~ sometimes to assert my blog rules then I WILL)#(I'll calm down after this but the EFF attitudes I was seeing on Twit this week some of you have GOT to learn how to treat others)#(with some basic decency!!!)

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rabbitindisguise · 2 years

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I think I'm recognizing when I'm emotionally spent more now. I socialized for at least four hours today, and I'm struggling to not give into impulses and to focus on my coping mechanisms when scrolling my dashboard. I almost engaged with a post twice that if I was less tired I wouldn't have. I also had a hard time parsing conversational pauses or social conventions that a typically can juggle enough to compensate with coping mechanisms. With a certain level of ambient social anxiety it all turns into white noise and I really struggle to do things, and I feel a bit like I'm feeling my way through the dark without my higher faculties staying intact.

Part of this is probably the T shot I'm due for, the other part is likely only getting 8 hours of sleep. I've been getting less sleep over time, this time was unnatural because I was in a lot of pain before bed. I think I'm going to be extra sure to take Tylenol and Benadryl tonight so I get my full rest. I was also a bit hungry, and my neck has a kink in it, and I'm tired from doing PT today. I don't typically have this many complaints, though yesterday was pretty severely unpleasant, today was just really hard. I also messed up the grocery order, which really bothered me, but what bothers me more now was not taking the social temperature of how much of an issue that is. I'm usually better about that, so I can do contingencies like go to the store if I need to, but I was too overly focused on my feelings than who it affects.

An overarching problem is being a little too self involved to pay attention to what I'm doing. I think I'm going to rest, physically and mentally, and then take a shower tomorrow even though I don't really have to, take pain medication regardless of how I'm feeling (including ibuprofen, once I check interactions), and read Harrow the ninth. Oh and do T shots to start with probably. Once I've done all that I can see how I'm feeling psychologically and try to avoid new things for awhile to prevent myself from getting overstimulated.

My bullet journal is coming on Monday, and I'm getting a bunch of self care supplies too (compression socks, a replacement connection for my headphone jack, and incense to see if aromatherapy could do anything for my anxiety). I'll also get a refill on prazosin, which has been the most helpful medication so far. Not being as manic has been really helpful, but sleep has helped that as well, and sleep is important for a whole long list of reasons.

I do honestly feel pretty manic at the moment. I feel jittery and like I need to start doing something. It starts to ramp up after I've been doing a lot of goal directed activity, like yesterday with all the phone calls. They were necessary, and I have a dentist appointment on Monday out of them. I still need to manage my symptoms and take responsibility to ensure they don't impact other people. I laughed once, and I felt really bad about it and I'm not sure why I didn't apologize even if the other person didn't notice. I think I might have been too concerned about how I came off. I also should have waited to mention testosterone, and I should have bowed out of sooner to call my friend back on discord- which would have been easier had I been paying more attention to the conversation, beyond being too focused on looking weird vs actually making it weirder by being focused on that thing.

These are things I need to think over later when I'm more stable. I think taking note of it all, even if I don't read it again, has been helpful.

#personal #mental illness

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nothorses · 3 years

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TransTape: A Guide

I've gotten a lot of asks about TransTape, and noticed a lot of gaps in knowledge. I've been binding with it for over a year now, and I thought a little guide might be helpful!

What is TransTape?

TransTape is an alternative to using a compression binder (like gc2b sells) that does not use compression; instead, a body-safe cloth tape is used to pull your chest underneath your armpits and stick them there against your skin.

Taken from the TransTape Instagram [IMAGES: Three shirtless people with rectangles of transtape pulling their chests flat and under their armpits, so they look more like pecs than breasts. /END]

TransTape was developed by trans people, for binding, from kinetic tape- which is used to treat physical injuries and disabilities in athletics. Though kinetic tape isn't proven to actually improve these problems, it is tested and safe to wear the way TransTape is worn.

Kinetic tape can be used as a cheaper alternative to TransTape, it just doesn't come in the sizes and nude colors generally preferable for binding.

Is It Safe?

Because TransTape doesn't use compression, it doesn't have an impact on your ribcage, lungs, or other internal organs like a compression binder does. It only interacts with your skin, which means short-term and long-term use will only impact your skin.

To the best of available knowledge, TransTape is safe as long as you apply it and remove it correctly. It can be worn while sleeping, exercising, showering/getting wet, and doing all of your other normal activities.

How long you can wear an application of TransTape depends on your lifestyle; the company recommends 3-5 days, with breaks of 1-2 days between applications.

Is It For Me?

Whether TransTape works for you depends on a lot of different factors, but the biggest deciding factor will likely be body type. Like any type of binding, larger chests are harder to flatten/masculinize, and the density of your chest can play a role as well. Skin sensitivity may also be a factor.

My recommendation is to try one roll, start with a test strip to check skin sensitivity, and give it at least 2 or 3 applications to check compatibility. You can check out TransTape's Instagram for some examples of different body types and the different ways people apply it.

The Brand

TransTape itself is expensive, and they've made some weird choices about things like essential oils. That said, they have the best guides and the most information on safe, correct use of binding tape.

You do not need to buy their products. The healing salve and removal oil in particular are more expensive than necessary. I recommend using lip balm in your nipple covers, baby oil for removal, and regular body lotion after removal instead of their products.

Application

TransTape has made a very detailed and comprehensive guide to safe application, which I recommend following.

Every body is different, and the method of application that works best for you may be different from what works best for other people. Experiment! It'll take a few tries to figure out what works for you; I took eight months to fine-tune my method.

Here's how I bind:

[IMAGE: A drawing of a torso with three strips of transtape: #1 is 3 sections long, starts 2 inches from the center of the chest, and the bottom edge of the tape runs over the bottom of the breast. #2 is 3 sections long, and overlapped on top of #1 where the nipple is. #3 is 3.5 sections long, placed directly over the middle of #1 and #2, and has one inch in front of and behind the ends of #1 and #2. The text says "Apply nipple covers, then strip 1, 2, then 3. Ensure ends of strip 3 both "anchor" on skin. /END]

I use a lot more tape than their method does, but this is easiest and flattest for me! It might be a good start for beginners.

Safety Tips

To ensure application is safe, remember to:

Apply nipple covers. Use 1/2 of a section of tape, with a square of toilet paper folded into thirds each way in the middle. Lip balm on your nipples and the toiler paper will keep your nipples hydrated.

Use a 1-2 inch "anchor" on both ends of the tape; this area of the tape should not be stretched. This prevents your skin from itching or getting shallow, surface-level abrasions while wearing.

Remove tape ASAP if you experience any amount of bleeding or pain. Itching is normal, especially with your first few applications, but shouldn't continue for more than a day or two of wear.

Never apply over wounds/scabs/abrasions. Scars are fine, but make sure your skin is healed before application.

Safe Removal

TransTape's how-to guide includes a section on safe application, which I recommend deferring to. Some basics:

Never remove tape dry. Always soak your tape thoroughly with oil before removal; removal oil and baby oil are preferable, and coconut oil is also safe, but will leave adhesive residue.

Rub tape off, don't peel. If you rub at the ends/edges of the tape while it's oiled, it'll start to come off on its own in about 2-5 minutes. This is the best way to ensure you don't damage your skin.

Removal should never hurt. Slow down if you're feeling more than, at most, a light sting here and there. It's okay if you get some redness or shallow abrasions, but you should go more slowly next time.

Let your skin rest! Give your skin a day or two of rest between wears, if possible. I usually wear a compression binder on those days, and the drastically reduced use of compression binders means I'm still avoiding the long-term risks they can come with.

Lotion & TLC: use lots of lotion on your chest between wears, and otherwise treat your skin nicely!

Removal is where the most damage to your skin can occur, so it's important that you follow safety instructions.

Managing Expectations

There is a learning curve with TransTape, and it takes a while to get the hang of it. A lot of people try it once and give up, but it will get easier and more effective with more attempts.

Here's some things to keep in mind:

Your first attempt will suck. Mine looked like I was just wearing a bra, and I felt incredibly dysphoric about it. The second attempt was a little better, and the third attempt was much better.

It takes a long time to get the hang of it. Like, months. You'll keep figuring out better methods and getting flatter over time.

You skin isn't used to this. Part of getting flatter is your skin learning to stretch a bit more over time.

Tightness. Your skin will feel tight in the center of your chest with your first few applications; this is normal, and it won't tear there.

Itching. Your skin will itch under the tape; I got it really badly around the second day of wear. This eases up and eventually stops after a couple of months of consistent use, as your skin adjusts.

Stretching. Your skin will stretch near the center of your chest, and you may notice a slight change in texture. This is normal, should be very subtle, and should go back to normal if you stop wearing tape for a long enough time.

"Masculinization" vs. Flattening: TransTape can get folks flat, but more often it's about re-shaping your chest to be more "masculine"/look like pecs rather than breasts. It just depends on your body type!

TransTape isn't for everyone, but it can be a really great alternative for a lot of folks, too. It might be worth a shot! Just be safe, manage your expectations, and try to give it a few applications before you give up on it.

#binding #transmasc #trans men #ftm #trans man #transgender #transtape #trans tape #long post

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ramzawrites · 3 years

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Hey, so I'm having a really rough time rn (dealing with bs from my friend group, we have to take my really old dog to the vet today bc we found blood in her pee and we're scared that she won't make it this time, I'm struggling with my mental health, I'm just kinda goin thru it rn ig) so I would love a comfort fic with the sbi maybe with the reader as their sibling where the reader is the one that always comforts the fam, but hides their emotions until (1/2, very sorry about splitting it)

(2/2) something happens that makes the reader have a full on breakdown? I'll leave the rest to you, it can be a good or bad ending, headcanons or one shots, anything. You can ignore this request if you want/if it makes you uncomfortable. Please don't feel pressured/guilt tripped to write anything from this, your mental health comes first and I'm sure you're already really busy. Reminder to eat something today if you haven't yet and get a drink of water <3

We are family - Reader and SBI!Brothers

Pairings: none

Characters included: Wilbur, Technoblade, Tommy, (mentioned) Niki, (mentioned) Schlatt

Warnings: n/a

Series: a request <3

Summary: Y/N came back from an errand and surprises their brothers with their weird behavior. Trying to put on their usual smile, trying to hide away their real emotions but their brothers know them better than they inititally suspected. They could immediately tell that something must have happened.

Words count: 2060

Authors Note: I’m so sorry this took so long! I hope you and your dog are doing better! 💙 I wish I could give you more than words of encouragement and that I managed to get faster to this request, I apologize Please make sure to take care of yourself, alright? Take time for yourself to deal with the stress and anxiety! Make sure to stay hydrated and remember to eat! Even if it’s just something small!

Once again I apologize for the long wait, I felt really bad already and then I kinda put it off because I felt bad.

adhd hit hard again and haven’t checked for typos yet, but will get on it as soon as I can o7

On another note if you want to read another comfort fic; I have a small series called “A Painful Reminder” which is more angsty but the 2nd part is more about the comfort, if that is something for you

Living in the SMP was chaotic, turbulent and at times downright painful.

Most people tended to gravitate to one cause or other people to deal with this. Holding on to something so they don’t get pulled under. Get buried beneath the chaos and the violence.

So having people like Y/N around was like a godsend. They were one of the few people that seemed to be able to withstand the constant waves of misfortune and stand strong. Be the rock to hold onto when everything got too overwhelming.

Wilbur, Technoblade and Tommy loved their sibling for it.

After Wilbur and Tommy got exiled with Y/N out of L’Manberg, they were there and cheered both of their siblings up. Immediately making plans on how to set up a safe home and collecting ideas on how to get back. They were the one who managed to get a message out to Technoblade and asked him to visit them. Maybe help them.

Wilbur often jokingly said that Y/N was the glue that held the family together, to which they would always reply with the warmest of smiles “I’m glad.”

And what he said was true. Whenever the family fell on hard times and they began to drift apart it was Y/N who pulled all of them back. Pulling them back to reality and giving solutions for their problems if needed.

Sitting down with Wilbur when things got to much. Listening to his thoughts and worries, letting his emotion run freely without judgement. While they looked worried for him, their comforting smile never faltered. Offering him solutions to problems if he wanted it, otherwise they gave him the chance to just air his own thoughts out. To be angry with him. Sad with him.

Working with Tommy on his own projects. Listening to his ideas and giving him a different perspective that could improve some things but also respecting it when Tommy wanted to do this his way. And while he liked to brag and pretend that some things didn’t hit him that hard, they were still patiently listening to him as he spoke about his own pain in a more roundabout way. Telling him that he was not alone and making him feel heard.

Talking to Technoblade whenever the voices got too loud or out of hand again. He would just walk over to them and nudge them away, asking them to talk about something, no matter what. He just needed to hear their voice and be able to concentrate on it. Tune out the garbled voices in his head with a familiar sound that calmed him down no matter what. Leaning against them, slowly falling asleep as Y/N told all about how they were happily working on their own farm and what shenanigans they got up to.

Y/N really was like the warm sun on a cold day. Warming them up and protecting them.

Yes, Y/N was strong. So strong that even Technoblade considered them stronger than him. Maybe not physically but mentally and emotionally.

A clanging of metal rung through the cave. Techno was training with Wilbur while Tommy was just watching. Cheering on Techno.

It wasn’t an unusual situation and something Y/N expected to see as they made their way down the staircase. Wilbur in full iron armor and weapon while Techno just fought back with his own iron sword.

“Hey, Y/N! Welcome back!” Wilbur breathed out. Sweat running down the side of his face as he stopped attacking his brother.

The three men looked happily over to their sibling who slowly walked towards them but soon their expressions fell. Something was off about Y/N and it confused the three.

Their smile was as always plastered on their face but it looked strained. Their eyes wide open, trying to look sincere and loving but the glassy look of them gave off a different picture.

“Y/N? You okay?” Tommy asked as he stood up from the ground. Taking a step closer to them which made them in return stop in their tracks.

Y/N was hugging themself, shakily opening up their mouth to answer but nothing came out. It was then when Techno got very aware of how they were shaking in general.

This all seemed so wrong. This shouldn’t be possible. It just didn’t seem to register fully inside their minds.

Wilbur made sure to get rid off his sword and armor as fast as he could, walking over to his sibling, trying to get a better look at them but they just avoided his gaze.

Staring at the ground, slowly shaking their head “It’s- It’s fine. I’m fine.”

“You aren’t. You really aren’t. What happened? Did they find you?” Techno asked, his voice full with worry. A bit of anger hidden as well.

Y/N had their own little farm in order to support Pogtopia. The potatoes from Techno were great but variety is important after all. Though they also had an abundance of wheat they usually tried to smuggle into Manberg for Niki. Trying to help her out as much as possible with her taxes and work.

This time Y/N nodded “They did… It’s fine though. I’m fine. I’m not hurt. It’s all good.”

Wilbur’s frown deepened “Usually when people have to be so adamant about being okay something isn’t alright.”

Tommy nodded, supporting his statement only to whisper to himself “Adamant? What does-“

But Wilbur continued “We are your family, talk to us.”

Y/N licked their chapped lips “I’m-“

The tears finally escaped their eyes and begun streaming down their face. Sobbing they fell down on the ground. Wilbur immediately followed suit, laying his arm around them and pulling them against his chest. His hand flew up to their head and begun going through their hair, trying to calm them down. Humming a soft tune from their childhood.

It was the first time in their lives they saw Y/N break down like that and it was quite frankly shocking.

Unsure what to do with himself Tommy squatted down “Um, uh, what- what happened?”

Techno was still gripping the iron sword in his hand. Pacing up and down. Manberg found them? What the hell did they do to make Y/N break down like that? His own sibling! Whatever it was he would make sure to pay it back a thousand times over.

“Tommy can you grab them some water?” Wilbur laid his chin on top of Y/N’s head, rubbing circles now on their back.

He didn’t even hesitate, jumping up to run towards one of the chests with food items that Y/N had always ready for them. Grabbing a water bottle and running back over. Happy that he could do something else besides staring.

Tommy then pushed the bottle towards Y/N who gratefully took it, putting some space between them and Wilbur as they drank some of the cold liquid which helped them to calm down.

“You ready to tell us what happened?” Techno stopped pacing around. His gaze purely trained on his crying sibling. Anger still rising in him just like the voices.

Screaming things like “Technosib! How dare they hurt them! Protect them! I love Y/N so much! Why would anyone hurt Y/N! They always help us! Let’s help them for a change! Technosib! Let’s go out and fight them! Yeah! Blood for the Blood God and Y/N!”

Y/N’s voice was still wavering and a bit scratchy from their sobbing as they begun speaking “Hey, hey! Techno don’t concentrate on the voices. Listen to me. It’s all good.”

This somehow made Techno angry. He threw the sword away and finally knelt down next to them as well so his face was on the same eye level as theirs “Stop. Please. Stop thinking about us for one second. Stop trying to not make us uncomfortable or worried! Tell us what happened! Please.”

He was basically begging at the last part. All his worry packed into it.

“Yeah, honestly you trying to make sure everything is okay for us makes us even more worried.” It surprised the others a bit that this came from Tommy but he was correct.

Tears fell down their face again “I- I was just delivering more wheat to Niki and someone must have followed me. They followed me back to my farm and- and- they burned my fields down. There were explosions. I- it was just my farm. I did not harm. Just, why does it always have to end like this. Why do all the good things always end like this. Why can’t this place let something be. There is always something.”

The farm was so important to Y/N. It was their little project they put so much sweat, love and work into. It was their home away from home. A place to retreat and enjoy some peace. This obviously was devastating. It was their one thing they had for themself. The one thing that wasn’t there for anyone else but them.

It was also clear that this seemed to be the straw that broke the camel’s back and it broke the three a bit that they only now seemed to notice this. That it took that long and their whole farm being destroyed for the realize this was heartbreaking.

“Who?” Techno urged but Y/N shook their head.

“I don’t know. Everything went so fast and I tried to save as much as I could but- but it’s all gone. It’s all gone.” Their voice jumped up an octave at the end, burying their face against Wilbur’s shoulder again. Silently sobbing.

It should have been impossible but Wilbur’s frown deepened and his expression turned more grim “Don’t worry. We will get back at them. We will get our revenge. They will see firsthand what they did to you, I promise.”

Shocked Y/N looked up, their red and puffy eyes wide open “Wil, that’s not what I- no revenge. There is already too much misery going around I just want this to stop. I just want all of us being able to live in peace.”

Wilbur should have known that Y/N was too good natured for that but he couldn’t help himself. He was just so angry. Angry at Schlatt and Manberg. That they went for him was one thing but to go out of their way to treat Y/N like this? Let’s just say he put it on the list in bold letters with reasonings on why he will get back at the Manberg faction.

“Listen Y/N.” Techno begun, his voice now calm again “Stop it. Just for once think about yourself. Stop thinking about others for once. You are also worthy of the same care you give us. Let us at least help rebuild your farm. You always help us with our projects, let us help you with yours.”

Tommy seemed to lit up at that “That sounds like a good idea! We could build towers around your new farm and make sure no one gets in! We could put down traps and all!”

He really wasn’t sure how to react but that was at least something he could do for them. As the past General’s right hand man, this should be something he can do. If he couldn’t protect his sibling how could he ever hope to get L’Manberg back.

Wilbur seemed to think about it for a bit but agreed “Yeah, how does that sound?” Though the dark glint in his eyes stayed. The cogs in head still running off with his own thoughts.

“You guys would? Since when can you guys build?” a dry laugh escaped them but it was a laugh nonetheless.

Both Tommy and Wilbur looked almost appalled at that claim while Techno just shrugged and nodded. Just looking around Pogtopia was more functioning than good looking after all. Y/N tried to pretty it up a bit but usually something always happened around here.

“Also Y/N, please talk to us more. Don’t bottle everything up. Please. We worry a lot about you and we love you. You always do so much for us, let us do the same.” Wilbur pushed Y/N a bit off of him and looked them deep into their eyes, hoping that this would really hammer in that this was a genuine plea.

As a respone Y/N wiped the tears off their face “I understand. I’ll try to remember that.”

“Don’t try just do it.”

#mcyt x reader #dream smp x reader #dsmp x reader #mcyt reader insert #mcyt x Y/N #dream smp reader insert #dream smp x Y/N #dsmp reader insert #sbi x reader #sbi reader insert #dsmp x Y/N #ramza writes #Anonymous #anon request

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ganseybois · 2 years

Note

Hello! I have read all of your Peaky Blinders fic in one fell swoop, just loving it. If you’re still open to Tommy/Alfie prompts, I have one? Tommy getting headaches/dizziness/blurred vision after his head injury. Rather than admit weakness, he tries to goad Alfie into a fight when he feels an episode coming on. And it works — right up until he basically passes out, and Alfie figure out what’s going on. Exasperated h/c ensues.

here you go :) i hope you like it!

Tommy was a man who was usually too smart to pick a fight. But he was in a particularly bad mood today, and was feeling just as bad physically. His head was making it hard to be alive, he felt nauseous, and it was begging him to pass out, to give in to the pain. But he did not want to. He did not want to succumb to such a weakness.

It's what led him to Alfie's house, here, in his living room, picking a fucking fight. He blamed it on his head. He had a stupid hope that Alfie would knock him out cold, allowing Tommy to give in to the feeling in his head without actually doing it himself.

He knew it was stupid. But he was so fucking tired.

"Mate," Alfie breathed out hard through his nose. "If you shove me one more fucking time..."

"What are you going to do Alfie?" Tommy goaded, the pressure in his head reaching an astounding pain. "Hm? You never fucking do anything, do you? You're all fucking talk in the end."

"All fucking talk." Alfie snorted. "Tommy, let me fucking remind you that if not for me, we wouldn't even be in a fucking relationship, would we? Christ in hell. And now here you are picking a fight over something so fucking stupid."

"So now business is stupid."

"Yeah mate it fucking is right now." He shook his head. "Thought you were smarter than that Tommy, but apparently I was wrong!"

"You're wrong about a lot of things Alfie." he snapped, attempting at pushing him, but ended up simply grabbing onto him roughly.

Alfie frowned and wrapped his hand around Tommy's wrist. "Mate, don't you fucking-"

"Come on Alfie." Tommy snarled. "Fucking do it. Want to hit me?"

"What are you fucking on about?" Alfie sighed, undoing Tommy's grip on him.

Anger overwhelmed Tommy like fire--since when was Alfie so fucking level-headed? Since when was it Alfie who did not want to solve something with violence? Tommy let out a frustrated sigh and pushed at Alfie again, hard, and through reflex alone did Alfie push back. Tommy was so weak from his head that he fell back on the floor easily. It had not knocked him out (and thankfully he did not hit his head on the floor) but he was finally happy to be getting somewhere.

Or at least, that's what he thought.

Alfie did move over him, his face hard and stern, and grabbed his wrists, pinning him against the floor.

Tommy swallowed. "Do it."

"Do what?" Alfie hissed. "What is it that you're trying to do here?"

Tommy sighed angrily, raising his head so he could slam it back down on the floor, but Alfie caught that too. His hand had moved swiftly to cradle the back of Tommy's head, making sure that it would not find any harm.

"Tom, mate, come on." Alfie murmured lightly, brushing his bands back. " Talk to me, hm?"

Tommy wanted to scream. Or cry. He wanted to act so outside of himself that it could do nothing but shock Alfie. But instead, a small whimper escaped him. "I'm sorry." he shook his head. His eyes filled with heavy tears but he blinked until they disappeared.

Alfie moved to the side and made Tommy sit up, rubbing his hand along Tommy's back. He felt like a fucking idiot. Alfie was being so kind, so understanding, he didn't deserve it.

"I'm sorry." Tommy whimpered again, putting his head in his hands. The darkness was comforting, and allowed him momentary peace. "Ever since my injury, there are some days that my head is just..."

"What? Too heavy? And so you thought that me knocking your fucking lights out would somehow make it better?"

"At the very least I thought it would put me to sleep for a bit." he admitted, raising his head. "I'm sorry Alfie."

Alfie pursed his lips before moving forward and kissing Tommy lightly between his eyebrows. "Mate, use your words next time, yeah? Way better at that." he hoisted Tommy up from the floor and wrapped one arm around him, holding him close. "Why don't we go to bed, hm? Take a fucking nap. Close your eyes, and turn off your brain."

Tommy gave a hopeless chuckle. "Don't you know by now that my brain never shuts off?"

"Yeah, boy, I fucking know. But you're gonna let me hold you like a fucking child and I will rock you to sleep if I have to."

Tommy grinned at him. "I get a punch in and you punish me by-"

Alfie interrupted him smoothly, his voice calm but firm. "Mate, that's your fucking problem yeah? You're always waiting to be punished, always waiting for something bad to happen. You might be new to healthy relationships, right, but I'm not here to fucking punish you. I'm here to help you."

Stunned, Tommy cleared his throat in embarrassment, just to give him something to do. "Thank you Alfie."

"Yeah, yeah, all right." he shrugged it off, kissing Tommy's cheek. "Let's go, silly boy."

#ask #prompt

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lunaekalenda · 3 years

Note

I'm sorry for sending yet ANOTHER request, I just love your writing so much 😭

What about Soulmate AU where you can feel the pain your soulmate feels?

The reader is Zeke's soulmate even though she's from Paradis and with the Scouts, so she definitely feels the pain when Levi decapitates Zeke (he killed Zeke before the rumbling begins).

(I was thinking of this as platonic levi x reader? The Soulmate thing is with Zeke just to be more dramatic 😂)

hiii!! omg thank you so much! also your ideas are really cool, and i’m really happy to see your user on my requests!! <3 i hope you like it <3

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❁ levi x reader, zeke x female!reader (kind of ??)

❁ death, spoilers from the manga, blood, again swearing against zeke lol, canon violence, non canon events!!!! btw sasha is alive because sasha <3

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You feel small punctures on your hands. Again. It’s been a whole day feeling them, as if you are squeezing needles in your hands. It was harmful and really uncomfortable, but when you looked at your hands, they were smooth, without a cut.

“That’s because is your soulmate who’s getting hurt there.” Hange told you, once you found them out of their tent. They were holding a book, and Moblit was following them, carrying some more. Hange looks at you, their gaze low, looking directly to your hands. “Anyway, whoever your soulmate is, is probably making you regret all your training period.” You laugh. You were specially headstrong during the training. It didn’t care how many times you fell or how many wounds you got. You kept training and fighting without a break. Maybe your soulmate felt all that pain too.

In the other side of the map, Zeke Jaeger is crushing rocks with his hands. The little fragments of broken rocks make cuts on his hands. He clenches his jaw and throws them, hitting some enemies. He feels Porco’s titan fast steps behind, probably trying to break the machines. Also Pieck’s fighting near him, as usual. He feels all his body tired and the blood in his hands is starting to get dry. But he keeps fighting. Maybe that’s why destiny made him your soulmate.

Sometimes, you can’t even differentiate if you’re feeling bad or if he is the one feeling bad. Your bodies are connected in a way that even biology can’t explain. But, considering that you never met - or so do you think.- it's kind of weird. Having a soulmate wasn’t rare, half of the population has it. You’re meant to find each other and be together. You walk back to your barricade, thinking about it. Maybe he’s one of the Corps soldiers. Someone who might be very resistant to pain. Someone strong and...

“Oi, have you seen Hange?” Levi asks. He’s in front of you, and he has some books in his hands. It seems like he’s helping Hange as well. You look behind you, where Hange was a minute earlier. They're gone.

"They were here a couple of seconds aho, but I guess they moved..." You saw Levi was looking behind him, to a table full of books. You guessed that all those heavy books were the ones Levi and Hange were moving. You take some of them as well. "It's not necessary..." he says, but you're taking four books now. Walking again towards him, you look around, searching Hange and Moblit.

"Didn't they told you were they are moving the books?" Levi sighed before clicking his tongue.

"That four eyes... They didn't say anything about it because I told them to leave the war room free for new reunions, so they moved all theyr shit." he says. The books are heavy and he has been holding them for a time now, so he's kinda edgy. He walks towards a tent in the sand, near the one where the Special OPs squad sleep. Connie was out of the tent, looking at the sea. Behind him, Sasha was taking care of a bouquet of white roses.

Pain hitted you like a train, literally. Zeke's body was so tired that the train hitted his titan's legs, making him and you feel the pain. You fell, crying of the high level of dolor. Levi left the books near you, on the floor, and Sasha and Connie walked fast toward you. You were there, feeling like your legs got crushed. Levi took your boots out easily, and, looking at you for consent, raised your pants to the knee. Your legs where perfect, as always. You couldn't stop crying. Even when Levi, a total hater of affection and physical contact, started to massage them carefully. Sasha took some cold water from the sea on a jar, and put the cold metal jar on your muscles, trying to ease the pain. Connie gave you potable water.

In Marley, Zeke was also feeling a lot of pain. His legs were totally crushed and smashed because of the fucking train. He knows that his human form will repair his muscles once he's out of the titan, so that's why, searching Porco's company, he leaves the titan's body. Porco covers him while his intern muscles get easily cured. In Paradis, your legs start to feel a bit better, and you're able to feel something more than pain on them. Something like the smooth touch of the Captain. Levi keeps massaging them, doing little circles and looking at you.

"Are you feeling better?" he asks. You nod. "What happened?"

Since everybody respects someone who has a soulmate, Levi is not different to the rest. Once he knows that you have a soulmate, you'll have 0 opportunities with him. Even knowing that he probably doesn't feel the same for you, having that little unknow will play at your favor. If he does feel something, you'll just ignore all the pain your soulmate is giving you. After all, you two are people with different lives and nothing more than a stupid bond between you. You have no affection towards him because you don't know who he is, to begin with. And, also. maybe the feelings you have developed for the Captain doesn’t let you think about any other person.

At least from now.

“Yes, yes. Thanks, Captain.” he shakes his head, as if he was saying that you shouldn’t thank him.

“Your pain has been increasing lately, doesn’t it?” he asks, in a whisper. It’s normal for him to care about you, after all you’re one of his soldiers. You move your legs. They just feel heavy, but the pain has been gone. “You should rest here a bit. I’ll call Connie . He’ll make you company while the meal isn’t ready.”

Levi lefts the tent quick. You have been here stuck for months now, after you killed all the titans left in the island. You know there’s a bigger enemy than the colossus humans that killed a lot of your comrades and friends. You remember once the pain was so bad, like if someone had cut your arms and legs and then just put a thunderspear on your abdomen. And it exploded. You were conscious of every single organ of your body. You were unable to walk for a week. Your soulmate was really fast healing, so you have the belief that he is a titan. No doubt.

Ha, you’re bonded with a titan shifter. What if that one is the one that Levi promised to kill?

You shake your head when Connie enters.

“Oh, wow, you look better!” he says. You smile at him and he sits near to you. Connie is basically your best friend here, and he was always trying to make you feel better.

“Yes, I’m feeling way better.” you answer. Connie gives you a glass of water, “Thanks.”

“Your soulmate must be having fun, doesn’t he?” Connie and Hange were the only ones you told that you’ve probably a soulmate, but lately, the magnitude of the pain that man has to resist was a really obvious indicator of your bond. Probably, the Captain also knows it just because of intuition.

“He definitely is. for sure.” You say, after drinking all the glass. Connie puts it on a near table. You let out a sigh. “Y/N, listen, maybe you should tell the Captain. Like, he’s the Captain of our squad. What if your soulmate looses an arm and you fell in the middle of a battle?” But you don’t want to leave the Corps. They are your family, your most treasured ones.

“But I don’t want to leave...” you whisper. Connie sighs and looks at the front, through the window.

“You don’t have to leave. Just work here, as a healer, or...”

“I want to fight. With you all. I don’t want to make Levi lose another soldier. We’re just seven on his squad. He needs all the people capable to follow his pace.” It was true. Armin, Mikasa, Jean, Connie, Sasha and you, with Levi, are the most capable soldiers of the army. That’s why all of you are in the Special Ops squad.

Later, Jean brought you the dinner. It took you a bit to start to train again, and time passed. Eren announced the rumbling, and Levi told you all the plans for the mission.

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"Just execute the plan. We just have to stop the rumbling, even if that means killing Eren." The plan made all your comrades uncomfortable. Specially the ones that suffered with him all this time, those who saw him grow and express his ideals. That’s what you were thinking when, time later, you’re fighting hand to hand with the squad. Titans are everywhere and you only can see blood and hear screams. Jean is near Pieck and there’s a weird sensation growing up in your chest. Like if you knew what was about to happen to your soulmate. Levi was behind you. A big stalactite can be seen, at a figure seems to be on top of it. A blonde boy you met, knowing that he was a shifter. You can see him from Falco's titan's back.

Maybe he is your soulmate?

If someone kills him and your supposition is true, that means you’ll be in problems.

Levi looks at him, his gaze full of anger. He goes near him, using the ODMS and, taking out his blades, before you could react, he decapitates him.

You felt like your soul was about to leave your body, how your head hurts so much that it seems like it was about to fell off your shoulders. You can’t breath and your lungs seem to stop working. Levi comes back and found you screaming of pain.

“y/n!” he yelled. Taking you with him, he puts you again on Falco’s titan back. You search his eyes, lying down on the soft back of the titan.

“He... was m-my... soulmate.” Levi opened his eyes with horror.

“I’m so sorry, I... I didn’t know that.” he says.

“I didn’t either.” You say, but your voice was breaking because of the pain screams. You hold your head, like if you wanted to avoid it from getting parted away from your body. It hurts so much.

Levi holds your head softly. Your neck feels really bad, but it is starting to heal slowly.

“Sorry.” he whispers. “I didn’t want to hurt you in any way.” It was okay. No one knew that Zeke, the man that he promised to kill, was your soulmate. So it was not his fault. Your face is full of tears, but you show him a little smile.

“It’s okay. After all, we weren't mean to be together.”

“I’m sure you’ll find a better man.” he says, while Falco keeps flying.

I hope so, you think, while his warm hands caress your hair, trying to make all that pain disappear.

#aot fluff #aot x reader #snk fluff #snk x reader #snk fic #aot fic #aot scenario #aot fanfiction #snk headcanons #aot #levi shingeki no kyojin #levi attack on titan #levi ackerman #levi x reader #levi aot #levi x you

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graciesinclair81 · 2 years

Text

CHAPTER FOUR: THE UNIMAGINABLE

A/N HELLLOOO HERES ANOTHER UPDATE! ALSO VERY LONG. BUT HEADS UP, TRIGGER WARNING FOR THIS CHAPTER.

*SUICIDE*

AGAIN, IT IS MENTIONED BUT NOT DESCRIBED.

BO'S POV

When I arrive at my destination, I can hear some music playing, some good ol Fleetwood Mac. I also hear someone singing a high pitched version of "Dreams."Sure enough, I see Lester screaming the lyrics all wrong and dancing around while Mr. Barry worked on the hood of a truck with his son. they wave at me and I wave back. I smile a bit at the kid's antics, I would've laughed if I hadn't had that infuriating and humiliating encounter with the old harpie.

Lester turns and smiles widely when he sees me, running over and wrapping his small arms around my waist. Now usually i can't stand being touched and to touch, but I make exceptions sometimes for my brothers and the few people I trust, especially lester who doesn't know any better. How could he? He's never experienced physical discipline from my parents. He was always spoiled with hugs and kisses, and the townfolk already shun him enough for me to push him away too.

"Hiya Bo! Is momma okay now?" He looks up at me hopefully. I bite my lip. I don't like sugarcoating things, I can't be like, "ma is gonna die soon" to a four year old. I crouch down to be at Lester's eye level

" She's doin' alright for now, she's sleepin'. But she's still sick. That's why it's better we don't bother her none." He frowns.

" But why?? Why does she gotta be sick all the time? And why does pa and Vinny get ta be with her? And not us too?" I sigh.

"Well pa needs Vince to help calm ma down so's pa can give ma her medicine."

"But can't pa just fix ma like he fixed you and Vinny?"

I shake my head sadly. "Sorry bud, but ma can't be fixed. It's different."

" It's not fair! It ain't! I want her to get better!! I love her!" Lester sobs. I Wrap my arms around his tiny shaking shoulders. I sit down and he clings to me, sobbing into my neck. Despite my best efforts not to, I start crying silently as I hold my little brother, wishing that our momma could get better, cause despite everything she was still my momma. And...crazy as it sounds, I still care about her too.

****

Unfortunately, I was right. Momma passed away a few days after what would be her last episode. Vincent was the one who had found out first when he had gone to give her breakfast this morning. I was still in my room asleep when he came in carrying Lester after he'd told pa. I was woken up by Lester's sobs. I'd sat up groggily wondering why in the tarnation they were in my room so early when I hear Lester sob that ma was dead. Everything became a blur after that, and suddenly I find myself in our church, walking slowly behind my brother towards the coffin that held my lifeless mother.

But before I even make it to the casket, the whispers and usual insults of the people there are too much for me, plus seeing the sight of my crying father and brothers made me snap.Gasps of shock fill my ears momentarily as I bolt out of the chapel and run away, not looking back. I run, wishing I could outrun my tears, outrun my feelings. I don't stop running, even when my legs start hurting and my lungs feel like they would explode.

I eventually make it to my house, and I go to where my bike was. I rip off my suit, leaving myself shirtless. I wasn't thinking about anything, just that I want to get out of this damn town. Away from all the pain and hurt. I can't handle it anymore. I just cant. I pedal down the hill and out to the road that leads into ambrose from the main highway. It's a long dusty road. By the time I'm almost out to the highway, I hear a car behind me.

I glance over as the car comes up beside me, and recognize it immediately. I slow to a stop at the edge of the road and Julieta pulls over behind.

"Bo Sinclair. What on earth do you think you're doing?" Julieta scolds as she gets out of her husband's car.

"I'm sorry Julie, but.... I...I have to runaway. Besides, nobody cares. They'll be mighty glad one of the freaks are gone." I sniff, angrily wiping at the nonstop river of tears that embarrassingly flowed down my face and stopped up my nose.

"Boy, if you think that imma let you disappear like this you got anotha thing comnin'" she sasses, putting her hands on her hips.

I sigh. "I don't belong there. Everyone knows it You knows it and I knows it."

"Oh, Hun." She tsks sadly and walks closer to me. She holds out her arms, offering a hug but also giving me a choice to decline. I debate for a moment and drop my bike and walk to her, closing the space between us. I wrap my arms around her and she does the same. She's a foot taller than me, so she bends a little and rests her chin on my back.

I sob into her shoulder, clinging to her the way Lester had clung to me a few days ago.

"I'm so terribly sorry, Bo. For everything that has happened. You and your brothers deserve better." She says tentatively, rubbing my back comfortingly. Julieta is only seven years older than me, but she's always been like a mother and older sister to me and my siblings. She always knew how to make us laugh or calm us down or comfort us in times of need.

I feel extreme guilt as I think about how I was gonna leave her behind along her family and my own brothers. They did care about me. They deserved better from me than to run off and forget about them. Another fresh wave of tears came back.

" I-Im S-so s-sorry." I sob.

"It's okay darlin, I know, I know. You're just a kid, you've been through so much crap you shouldn't have to be goin through. You should be playing with your friends and getting into trouble for stealin candy or ditching school. Not all this mess. Not all this hurt." She sighs.

"Tell ya what. You come back home with me, and you, Vinny and little Lester can meet the baby, and spend a few nights over, I think your pa is gonna need some alone time." She says.

I pull away a bit. "That sounds nice, actually." I sniffle again. She smiles warmly at me and kisses the top of my hair before letting me go. I pick up my bike and she helps me get it into the trunk. I get in the backseat and she gets into the driver's seat

Maybe I'll runaway when I'm older....

*******

When we arrived at ambrose, it was late afternoon. Julieta parks her car in the garage and we get out the car. Julieta's parents and Jacob were in the front porch sitting in rocking chairs. I wonder where my brothers are. Jacob stands up with the baby in his arms when he sees us."Hey, glad you came back, pal." He pats my shoulder with one free hand.

"He knows he can't abandon us. He loves us too much." Julieta says ruffling my hair, making me smile a bit.

"Ven aquí mi niño." (Come here,my child) Julieta's mother says softly, motioning for me to walk over to her. I oblige and she grabs hold of my hands. I'm uncomfortable with it even though her touch is as gentle as a butterflies wings, but since she's one of the people i do trust, I allow it.

"You may think you're all alone and nobody loves you, but we do. You and your brothers belong to us just as much as baby Gracie over there." She says in her accented English, looking over at where Julieta was sitting next to her husband and nursing her daughter. She and Jacob nod and smile in agreement.

"Now, no matter what anyone may say to you, even your own momma and poppa, you are worth of love and you are important." She touches my chin and looks straight into my eyes. "Understand?" I nod.

"Yes ma'am."

She gives me a warm hug and smile. Which I return. Julieta's father gives me a smile and nod. He was a quiet man, but every bit as kind as the rest of his family. And full of wisdom and life advice whenever he did talk.

"Bo, would you like to hold the baby now?" Julieta asks. I smile a bit and nod. "Okay you can sit down here." She says getting up from her chair. I sit, and she gently places the baby girl in my arms. The baby was sleeping but when she was set in my arms, she opened her eyes.

She stares back at me, and actually smiles. I look up at Julieta,who saw the gesture as well.

"Doctors say babies are too young to smile, talkin' 'bout how it's gas and all these high faultin' words and stuff. They don't fool me though. I knows a smile when I sees one, and that right there was a honest-to-goodness smile right ther'.yesireee." She says, taking a seat on Jacobs lap across from me. He nods in agreement with His wife's words.

"Indeed, and if ya ask me, it's a sign of good luck and baby talk for "I think you're swell." He says with a grin and wink.

I chuckle at their words and continue staring at the baby. She smelled the way Lester smelled when he was born, only better haha. She had less hair than he did. She was almost bald. Made her head look like a shiny bowling ball. She has a little mark that looked like a heart, and I think it's the cutest thing ever.

I stay holding baby Gracie for some time, cuddling her made me feel like everything was okay. Even though it wasn't. She made me forget about the bad feelings I'd felt earlier today, and before that. Even when I held my finger for her to hold and I could see my hideous reddish purple scars on my wrists I didn't feel anger or sadness about them. Maybe when I grow up, I can get married and have babies of my own to keep forever.

"Where are Vincent and Lester?" I ask after a while.

"They're sleepin' in the livin' room." Jacob replies. Juliet had her eyes closed and her head sways a bit.

"Jules, let's get you to bed too. You're exhausted. Remember what the doctor said you need as much rest as possible." He says softly. Julieta shakes her head slowly.

"No no, I'm fine... just restin my eyes, is all." She mumbled. We all chuckle. She sounds like she's drunk. But everyone knows that no one in this family drinks alcohol or even coffee. They don't smoke, either. One of the reasons they were disdained by my father. He thought they were the freaks. Even more than me.

Just then, the screen door to the porch opens, revealing Vincent, his longish hair looking like a tornado hit it. He looks around and walks quickly to me. He then puts his hand on my hair.

"You're...home." He says. The way he spoke wasn't upset, just relieved. I nod.

"I'm real sorry 'bout leavin' y'all. I really am." I say looking at him.

He touches my face, a gesture he did when he wanted comfort or when he comforted me. He would only do it to me, ma used ta say it's cause that's what he would do when we were still babies and not separated. It didn't bother me at all and it felt nice, when he did it. Not with anyone else.

" Since you guys are gonna spend some time over, maybe you should get some of y'all's things." Mrs Rodriguez suggests. I give the baby to her since Julieta was still "restin her eyes". Vincent and I walk to our house.

"Momma... loved...you." Vincent says after a few minutes of us walking silently. I glance at him.

"That a fact?"I say sarcastically and sigh."I'm sorry...that was mean. But yeah, guess you're right...kinda." I jam my hands into my pockets as we walk. Vincent nods understandingly.

"We'll...be...okay...promise." he says softly putting his arm around me and touching his forehead to mine. It's another gesture he has. We make it to our front door. The door is unlocked. Inside, all the lights were off.

"Wonder if pa's home." I mutter, heading upstairs where all our bedrooms are. Maybe He's sleeping, since he usually has music on when he's not watching TV. says it helps him stay calm. Vincent follows behind as we check ma and pa's room down the hall. It was empty, so we go back and check his mini office, which we weren't really allowed to go in unless we had permission.

I still have the scars from the time I'd gone in looking for Vincent during a game of hide and seek. A chill runs down my spine as we open the door a bit.

"Poppa? Ya in here?" I call out. Vincent turns on the light.

"TURN THAT DAMN LIGHT OFF AND GET OUT, NOW!" his booming voice shatters the silence, making us jump a mile. We quickly slam the door shut, but decide to risk it and reopen it and turn the light back on.

"But pa, you need to- Poppa!!! DONT!!" I scream in pure horror and rush to him, but it's too late.

Narrator's pov:

A single shot is fired.

A/N: I HONESTLY FELT MY HEART BREAK WHILE WRITING THIS CHAPTER. MY HEART IS STILL BEATING FAST FROM THE ENDING, I FEEL SO BAD ABOUT ALL THIS SADNESS AND PAIN THIS FAMILY WENT THROUGH. I WAS ORIGINALLY PLANNING ON BEING A BIT MORE GRAPHIC BUT NONE OF US NEED THAT. IF ANY OF YOU EVER FEEL LIKE TALKING TO SOMEONE IM HERE FOR YOU, I KNOW WHY IT'S LIKE TO NOT WANT TO LIVE AND I DONT WANT ANYONE TO GO THROUGH THAT PAIN. ITS NOT SOMETHING YOU CAN GET OVER COMPLETELY, BUT LEARN HOW TO GET BETTER FROM IT. LOVE YALL!! THANKS FOR READING!!

#bo sinclair #how 2005 #brian van holt #slashers #house of wax #vincent sinclair #horror #lester sinclair #house of wax 2005 #2000s horror #Gracie Sinclair #oc roleplay #house of wax fanfic #twisted #Spotify

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bangtanreadingcorner · 3 years

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three words, eight letters (i love you) • kim namjoon

plot – it was never supposed to go this far, but then it happened. you both said i love you.

words – 3.3K

It started out casual.

You and Namjoon met at a party years ago, and the attraction was immediate. The only problem was that neither of you had time for something serious - you as a world traveling model and him as a world traveling artist. So, after spending a mind-blowing night together, you two both agreed in the morning after that it was a one time thing and wouldn't happen again.

That lasted until the next time you saw each other two months later. The morning after you two agreed that you were open to sleeping together if you are near each other and both willing and it wasn't exclusive because this attraction between you was too hard to ignore.

What neither of you told each other, was that you had no intention of sleeping with someone else.

A year and many chance encounters later, you both decided to be exclusive and decided to try dating each other casually. Nothing big, like going out of your to see each other but more like finally exchanging numbers and texting, calling and Skyping each other. You still agreed only to see each other in person when you both happened to be in the same place.

(And if you both snooped around to figure out where the other was to plan a visit when the longing became to much, well, you certainly weren't telling each other.)

It was good, for three blissful years life was good, great even, until one day it all blew to hell.

It started with a good morning call from Namjoon.

You grinned, despite the early hour as you picked up the call. "Hey, handsome."

"Good morning, gorgeous. You sound sleepy." You heart thumped with the term of endearment. You could hear the smile in his voice.

"I just woke up." You admitted through a yawn. You looked at the time, and shuffled back under your covers, intent on sleeping further once your call with Namjoon was done.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you." He said, voice apologetic with a tinge of guilt.

"It's okay, I don't mind." You told him honestly. You'd prefer talking to him over sleeping everytime. You yawned again, rubbing at your dry eyes with your free hand, stopped when you realised your make-up artist would have a fit if you showed up with puffy eyes. "Just had a late shoot. I only got home three hours ago."

"Yikes." Namjoon said and you could picture the wince on his face, and it made a sleepy grin tug in your lips. "I'll let you get back to sleep then and call you later on."

"M'kay." You yawned, halfway asleep as the next words slipped out of your mouth. "I love you."

"Love you, too." He replied instantly and without hesitation.

The line went dead silence in the aftermath of your confession.

"I have to go." You eventually blurted, a little mortified, your face on fire and you heart beating in your ears. Suddenly you were wide awake, all sleep gone from your system.

"Yeah, me too." He said and you were glad to hear the way to cracked because it means he was affected by this too.

You never end up going back to sleep, not even able to form a reply later that night when you arrive for your shoot and the make-up artist mutters about your red eyes from lack of sleep.

The photographer tells you there's no sparkle in your eyes. You tell him if he doesn't like your work, he's welcome to request another model. He's right though, you know he is. You go through the motions but your heart isn't in it like it usually is.

It was all the way in Namjoon's hands, just like his heart is in yours, from when you exchanged it earlier that morning.

Then only question is, what are you going to do with it?

You meant the words, you love him and you know he loves you too.

The three special words you've never uttered to another soul outside your family and your few friends. Never intended too either, no matter how much you mean it. It's terrifying, to open yourself up like that, make things between you and Namjoon real on a whole other level.

You shouldn't have said it, you know you shouldn't have. After all, there is a reason you never have before.

You knew it would have hurt in the long run. It was inevitable, with how much you love him. Only now, everything is going to hurt so much more when it comes to an end.

***

Namjoon has never been one to let problems fester and lie, or ignoring a problem until it goes away. You are a personal fan of the latter. The point is, Namjoon is the type to face a problem head on, talk it out and try to solve it.

So, it came to absolutely no surprise to you when five days after the confession, a knock on your door sounded at eleven in the evening and when you opened it, it was Namjoon.

"Y/N." He greeted.

"Hi." You breathed.

He was wearing an oversized t-shirt and loose pants, nothing spectacular, but he still causes your breath to catch, your heart beat speeding up. The want you had for him, has never dimmed with time. It only grew, in fact.

And it wasn't just a physical desire, but a mental one too. You want to know him, ask him about his day, show him the new sketches you drew, listen to him ramble about the new encyclopedia about animals he finished.

You want him - heart, mind, soul and body.

But right now, you just really want to kiss him.

"I'm going to kiss you." You warned him, closing the two feet of distance between you slowly enough that he could say no if he didn't want you to kiss him.

He stood in your doorway, eyes watching you intently, unmoving but the moment you put your hands on his neck to pull him down, just a bit, and kissed him, slowly but deeply, he kissed you back, his hands gripping your hips, pulling you even closer.

He pulled away first, but didn't go far, muttering against your lips. "We need to talk."

You didn't want to talk because then everything would get worse, not better. Still, you needed too.

You stepped out of his arms, placing one more peck against his lips, wondering if it would be the last time ever. You let him in, listening as he closed the door and took off his shoes.

"Do you want something to drink?" You asked when you passed the kitchen.

"No, thank you." He denied and you walked past the kitchen, heading to your spacious living room. You took a seat on the one seater couch, he took one on the three seater, sitting closest to you.

It was quiet, for a long time, neither of you wanting to begin the conversation. Finally, Namjoon gathered the courage first. He asked an easy question, "Did you mean it?"

"Yes." You answered, because you did, and you could see a lot of tension leaving his shoulders. It made you wonder if he doubted it, if he thought that you said it because you were tired. Well, you did only say it because you were tired, but probably not for the reason he thinks, so you decided to explain. "Being sleepy lowered my defenses enough for me to tell you the truth, instead of hiding it from you."

He nodded, accepting your words. "Did you regret saying it?"

You wanted to say no, but it would be a lie.

"A little." You admitted, as honest as possible.

Namjoon took that in, swallowing thicky, nodding again, slower this time. "Why?"

"Because it made everything complicated. And I don't want complicated." You burst out, chest feeling heavy.

"I thought we weren't just sleeping together, that we're dating." Namjoon said, voice tight. There was hurt in there, it stabbed at your heart.

"We are dating." You confirm.

"Then why haven't you told anyone about us?" He asked sharply.

"I have. All of my friends know about you, and tease me mercilessly because of you. They figured out that I'm stupid in love with you, long before I climbed out of my pit of denial." You told him, because if your relationship was going to shit, you might as well tell him everything.

"Have you told your parents?" Namjoon asked, suddenly and it makes you a little defensive.

"Have you?" You retort.

"Yes." He answered, and it catches you completely off guard.

It took you awhile to regain your bearings, because you didn't think Namjoon was serious enough about your relationship that he has told his parents about it. It made you feel happy and guilty, all at once.

You didn't know what to say to him, so you said nothing, sitting in silence again.

"I meant it, too, you know." Namjoon broke the silence again, voice soft as he looked at you so gently that your heart twisted. "I love you."

You inhaled sharply. It was one thing to hear it over the phone, but another thing entirely to hear it from his lips in person. There was only one you that felt right for you to say to him.

"I love you, too." Too much, you thought.

An expression of wonder and awe crossed his face as he looked at you. It disappeared a moment later when he frowned over at you.

"Then what's the problem?" Namjoon asked, a little desperation in his voice.

"I don't want what you want." You said simply.

"I want you." He said immediately, so sure that you know he believes it right now, but right now isn't where this ends. In his mind, this ends with the two of you married, living in a house with a yard, a few kids and maybe a cat and a dog.

It doesn't for you.

Here it comes, you think to yourself, the whole reason you knew your relationship would have never lasted. Not in the long haul. You've thought about it long and hard, over and over, because you want Namjoon in your life for a longtime, but you've never found an ideal scenario where both of you get what you want.

You sighed, deep and sad, shaking your head slightly. "No, I'm not talking about now. I'm talking about the future. You want to get married and have kids. And I-" You inhaled, your eyes burning and voice going softer, wondering if anything would soften the blow you were about to give him. Nothing helped when you finally admitted to yourself your relationship was never going to last. "I don't want that."

A crumpled sort of expression crossed his face, eyes pained when he looks into yours. "Why?"

You shrugged, eyes blurring, memories flashing across your mind. Horrible, terrible memories. You suppress them as fast as they surface. "I just don't."

More silence.

"So what do we do now?" Namjoon finally asked.

"I don't know." You said, feeling your heart cracking a little. You knew it wasn't Namjoon's fault though. He would protect your heart from anything and everything in this world.

Unfortunately he can't protect you from yourself.

***

When Namjoon went home that night, it was with a heavy, heavy heart. The rest of his band noticed the moment he stepped through the door, but no one asked him because if their leader didn't want to talk, you couldn't make him.

Well, one person could.

All eyes turned to Yoongi when Namjoon went to his room after giving them a soft greeting.

"What?" The oldest rapper asks them.

"H-he doesn't look too good." Hoseok said worriedly and the other's voice their agreement. Namjoon has been a little off for a few days now, but not once was he as subdued as he was just now.

"Yeah, he went to see Y/N-noona, right?" Jeongguk asked.

All of then knows about Namjoon's long term girlfriend. It was the oddest relationship ever, to them at least, but the two them make it work and she makes their leader incredibly happy, so they have never shown anything but support.

"Maybe they had a fight." Taehyung suggested hesitantly, because they've never had a fight, as far as he knows. It's why they all feel a little lost right now.

"Whatever it is, it's big. He looked really sad and he's never looked like that when he comes back from seeing her." Jimin said, worrying his bottom lip.

"Go talk to him." Seokjin said to Yoongi, nodding in the direction of Namjoon's room.

Yoongi didn't need to be told twice.

Yoongi entered the room as he knocked. Namjoon was sitting on the floor, against his bed, legs pulled up, forearms resting on his thighs, head in his hands. Yoongi sat down next to him. He gently nudged his arm, "Talk to me, Namjoon-ah."

Then Yoongi waited for Namjoon to gather his thoughts, knowing the younger would talk when he's ready.

When Namjoon finally spoke, his voice was teary and soft, a little bit broken, too, "I've always believed in love and being loved. I believe in it because I can feel it and I experienced it, but with her, it's different."

"Good different, right?" Yoongi ventured hesitantly.

"Yeah, but now. . ." Namjoon's breath hitched, and he took a second to pull himself together. "Now, I'm scared"

Yoongi was very lost. He doesn't know what happened for Namjoon to feel like this or where it comes from. He'll be here, though. For whatever Namjoon needs from him. "Why?"

Namjoon swallowed, "Because I've never felt like this before."

"Like what?"

"Like I can't live without her." Namjoon whispered, sounding like he was going to cry any moment.

"And?" Yoongi said, still confused. That was supposed to be a good thing. Finding someone you love so much that you can't live without them. Right?

"And I'm scared that she doesn't love me the same." Namjoon said, voice still a whisper.

This made Yoongi frown because he and the rest of the guy's have met her a few times and each time, they all saw the complete adoration and utter devotion in her eyes when she looks at Namjoon. "I'm sure that's not true."

Namjoon sighed, knowing he was being a little unfair but his heart was hurting something terrible. "Okay, maybe you're right but, she- tonight she told me that she doesn't want to get married or have kids and that's all I want. And I know that doesn't mean that she doesn't love me but it has a great potential of breaking us apart."

Yoongi was quiet for a long while, processing all that Namjoon has told him. "Have you talked to her about this, Namjoon-ah?"

Namjoon snorted, voice a bit bitter when he spoke. "She just dumped an 'I love you but I don't want a future with you' on me and I sort of just walked away, so no, not really."

"Maybe you should." Yoongi suggested.

"Hyung, she told me that she loves me and then two seconds later she told me that she doesn't want to marry me. Like, ever." Namjoon said again, strong voice growing defeated as he spoke each word.

"Damn, that's harsh." Yoongi sighed, bit down on his bottom lip.

"At least she was being honest with me." Namjoon sighed, heart heavy. "I don't know what to do. She doesn't either." He ran his hands through his hair in frustration, tugging at the strands.

"You're gonna have to decide, Namjoon-ah." Yoongi said after a long silence. "Hold on, or let go."

***

You remember walking Namjoon to the door, making sure to lock it and starting to walk to your bedroom but only reaching the hallway before breaking down. Sobs ripped through your chest, your knees giving in and you sank to the floor.

It hurt, everything hurt.

And you had no one to blame but yourself.

You laid down on the floor, curling into a fetal position, crying until eventually you were exhausted enough that you passed out.

It took two weeks before you gathered enough courage to text Namjoon if you could see each other. He told you that he was in Japan right now and you asked him what city and hotel before booking a flight and a room for yourself. It wasn't for you to use, just a way for you to get into the hotel without any unnecessary questions.

When you knocked on his hotel room, your heart unsteady, your hand shaking, something inside of you knew that this is it.

This is the end.

Namjoon opened the door, and something in his gaze told you that he knew it too. Maybe that's why he didn't call either, these last two weeks.

Your eyes blurred as you walked through the door, fisting your hands to hide how badly they were shaking. You didn't want to sit, too restless. You looked at Namjoon, he looked at you.

"This will never work, not if we don't want the same things. You know that." You told him, voice breaking already. And it was just the start of the conversation.

"I could live without getting married and having kids if I could have you." Namjoon tried to stop what was happening.

You let out a wet chuckle, somehow loving him more for trying. You shook your head, letting out a resigned sigh. "You'll resent me."

"I'd never." Namjoon swore and you could tell he means it.

"Maybe not right now," You acknowledged. "But in ten years? When you see all your friends getting married and having kids?"

"I love you." He said, words a fierce promise, almost an oath.

You gave him a sad smile, "I know, and I don't ever want to change that love into resentment."

"You can't know that." He said, not wanting to let go.

"Yes, I can." You said, a tear finally breaking past its barricade and rolling down your cheek.

Namjoon stepped close and wiped it off, pressing a kiss to your cheeks, the corner of your mouth and finally to your lips. You could feel his body shaking against yours as he wrapped his arms tightly around your waist and it made more tears fall down. You fisted his shirt in your hands, holding tight, not wanting to let go either.

You did, eventually.

"Do me a favour?" You asked in a hoarse whisper when you pulled away, your breaths tangling, foreheads resting together.

"Anything." He agreed immediately.

"Don't forget me. Even if-" You cut yourself off and started again because you aren't delusional and you know how easy it was to fall for him. "Even when you fall in love again. Keep a little place for me in your heart and think of me once in a while." You requested. It was selfish, you knew it like you knew your name, but you will never forget him or stop loving him and if he remembers you once in a while, it would make you feel a little better.

(Not that you deserve it, but you've already admitted to being selfish.)

"As if I could ever forget you." Namjoon promised, squeezing you tighter, leaving out the part where he doesn't think he'll ever fall in love with someone else ever again. You had his heart since the moment he laid eyes on you from across the room of that party four years ago.

You finally pulled out of his embrace, but took hold of his hands. "I love you. I always will."

"Me too." He said, tear escaping from his eyes. You wiped it away with one hand, cupping his cheek.

You pulled him close, kissed him one last time - long, deep and filled with all the love you felt for him.

Then you let go of him, and did the hardest thing you ever had to do in your life.

You walked away.

the end.

#bangtan #bangtan fanfic #bts fic #kim namjoon #bts rm #bts kim namjoon #kim namjoon x reader #kim namjoon x oc #kim namjoon x you #kim namjoon imagine #namjoon imagine #namjoon x you #namjoon x oc #namjoon x reader

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katerinabythesea95 · 3 years

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A/N HELLLOOO HERES ANOTHER UPDATE! ALSO VERY LONG. BUT! BE WARNED. TRIGGER WARNING FOR THIS CHAPTER.

*SUICIDE*

AGAIN, IT IS MENTIONED BUT NOT DESCRIBED.

BO'S POV

"Hiya Bo! Is momma okay now?" He looks up at me hopefully. I bite my lip. I don't like sugarcoating things, I can't be like, "ma is gonna die soon" to a five year old. I crouch down to be at Lester's eye level

" She's doin' alright for now, she's sleepin'. But she's still sick. That's why it's better we don't bother her none." He frowns.

" But why?? Why does she gotta be sick all the time? And why does pa and Vinny get ta be with her? And not us too?" I sigh.

"Well pa needs Vince to help calm ma down so's pa can give ma her medicine."

"But can't pa just fix ma like he fixed you and Vinny?"

I shake my head sadly. "Sorry bud, but ma can't be fixed. It's different."

****

Unfortunately, I was right. Momma passed away a few days after what would be her last episode. Vincent was the one who had found out first when he had done to give her breakfast this morning. I was still in my room asleep when he came in carrying Lester after he'd told pa. I was woken up by Lester's sobs. I'd sat up groggily wondering why in the tarnation they were in my room so early when I hear Lester sob that ma was dead. Everything became a blur after that, and suddenly I find myself in our church, walking slowly behind my brother towards the coffin that held my lifeless mother.

I eventually make it to my house, and I go to where my bike was. I rip off my tuxedo, leaving myself shirtless. I wasn't thinking about anything, just that I want to get out of this damn town. Away from all the pain and hurt. I can't handle it anymore. I just cant. I pedal down the hill and out to the road that leads into ambrose from the main highway. It's a long dusty road. By the time I'm almost out to the highway, I hear a car behind me.

I glance over as the car comes up beside me, and recognize it immediately. I slow to a stop at the edge of the road and Julieta pulls over behind.

"Bo Sinclair. What on earth do you think you're doing?" Julieta scolds as she gets out of her husband's car.

"Boy, if you think that imma let you disappear like this you got anotha thing comnin'" she sasses, putting her hands on her hips.

I sigh. "I don't belong there. Everyone knows it You knows it and I knows it."

I sob into her shoulder, clinging to her the way Lester had clung to me a few days ago.

" I-Im S-so s-sorry." I sob.

"Tell ya what. You come back home with me, and you, Vinny and little Lester can meet the baby, and spend a few nights over, I think your pa is gonna need some alone time." She says.

Maybe I'll runaway when I'm older....

*******

"He knows he can't abandon us. He loves us too much." Julieta says ruffling my hair, making me smile a bit.

"Now, no matter what anyone may say to you, even your own momma and poppa, you are worth of love and you are important." She touches my chin and looks straight into my eyes. "Understand?" I nod.

"Yes ma'am."

She stares back at me, and actually smiles. I look up at Julieta,who saw the gesture as well.

"Indeed, and if ya ask me, it's a sign of good luck and baby talk for "I think you're swell." He says with a grin and wink.

"Where are Vincent and Lester?" I ask after a while.

"They're sleepin' in the livin' room." Jacob replies. Juliet had her eyes closed and her head sways a bit.

"Jules, let's get you to bed too. You're exhausted. Remember what the doctor said you need as much rest as possible." He says softly. Julieta shakes her head slowly.

Just then, the screen door to the porch opens, revealing Vincent, his longish hair looking like a tornado hit it. He looks around and walks quickly to me. He then puts his hand on my hair.

"You're...home." He says. The way he spoke wasn't upset, just relieved. I nod.

"I'm real sorry 'bout leavin' y'all. I really am." I say looking at him.

He touches my face, a gesture he did when he wanted to comfort or when he comforted me. He would only do it to me, ma used ta say it's cause that's what he would do when we were still babies and not separated. It didn't bother me at all and it felt nice, when he did it. Not with anyone else.

"Momma... loved...you." Vincent says after a few minutes of us walking silently. I glance at him.

"That a fact?"I say sarcastically and sigh."I'm sorry...that was mean. But yeah, guess you're right...kinda." I jam my hands into my pockets as we walk. Vincent nods understandingly.

"Wonder if pa's home." I mutter, heading upstairs where all the bedrooms are. Maybe He's sleeping, since he usually has music on when he's not watching TV. says it helps him stay calm. Vincent follows behind as we check ma and pa's room down the hall. It was empty, so we go back and check his mini office, which we weren't really allowed to go in unless we had permission.

I still have the scars from the time I'd gone in looking for Vincent during a game of hide and seek. A chill runs down my spine as we open the door a bit.

"Poppa? Ya in here?" I call out. Vincent turns on the light.

"But pa, you need to- Poppa!!! DONT!!" I scream in pure horror and rush to him, but it's too late.

Narrator's pov:

A single shot is fired.

~Emily~

#house of wax 2005 #brian van holt #bo sinclair #2000s movies #vincent sinclair #how 2005 #horror #sinclair brothers #slashers #Spotify

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spicycreativity · 3 years

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Soft-Shoe Shuffle - Ch 1

Chapter: 1/12 Rating: T (for language) Content Warnings: Canon-typical Remus content. This chapter only: alcohol use Characters: All Pairings: Moceit, background Prinxiety, background Intrulogical (yes I played a little game of "pair the spares") Additional Tags: Hey it's the fic I published on Anon because I was embarrassed of how utterly pretentious it is!, post-PoF, sickfic, dirty poetry, humor interspersed with philosophy and Janus-typical pontification, this is VERY speculative and will get Jossed in the future lmao Summary: After claiming his place in the Light and coming face-to-face with the consequences of his actions, Janus finds himself unwillingly re-calibrating his moral compass. For selfish reasons, of course. But one apology snowballs into several, and soon he's running around the Mindscape with a low-grade fever and a guilty conscience as he desperately tries to regain some sense of self. Oh, and he's definitely not falling in love with Patton, so don't even bring it up. One Last Note: I wrote this in an ADHD fugue state. It is HEAVILY influenced by Dostoyevsky's Crime and Punishment, but there are also references to poetry and various other works of literature. I also deliberately used symbols, themes, and motifs. Most of them are pretty in your face except for the recurring ouroboros, which is used as a symbol of rebirth. ...Told you it was pretentious.

When you wake up to the promise of your dream world comin' true With one less friend to call on, was it someone that I knew? Away you will go sailing in a race among the ruins If you plan to face tomorrow, do it soon

Janus appeared in the Dark side of the Mindscape, elation swelling in his chest. Even the ringing headache and bitter taste in his mouth couldn't hollow the unfamiliar triumph that warmed him to the core. Caught up in his own thoughts, it took a moment for him to register the sight before him: Remus, upside-down on the couch, his brow furrowed and face an alarming shade of purple.

For a moment, Janus stood stock-still as he tried to get his bearings. He must have been more flustered than he'd realized-- He'd been aiming for his bedroom.

But here he was, staring down at Remus, who was definitely going to burst a blood vessel (or several) if he didn't flip over soon.

"That's not horrifying at all," Janus said, thinking it would be rude to dismiss Remus, especially since he had probably been eavesdropping. He had likely heard everything. Everything. Even the ugly parts.

"Do you remember when Thomas read that post about Nutty Putty Cave?" Remus asked in a strained, strangled voice. "That spelunker who died because he got stuck upside-down?"

"No," Janus said, before realizing his mistake. "Yes." He definitely wanted Remus to remind him of the gory details.

"That's what I thought," Remus said with a wicked grin.

Janus sighed through his nose. Remus, though he thrived on attention, seemed content enough to continue his experiment by himself. On the other hand, if Janus didn't bring up a certain insult he'd levied at Roman, Remus most certainly would, and at a time where it would cause the most upset and turmoil. Better for Janus to deal with it now, even if he would have to fight the tension pulling his muscles taut. He wanted to dance. He wanted to scream.

Hesitation proved to be Janus' downfall, and by the time he'd opened his mouth to broach the subject at hand, Remus had beaten him to the blow. "You're not usually this quiet, Oralboros. Snake got your tongue?"

Janus, again, sighed. Rather than answer, he doffed his hat, set it on the coffee table, and clumsily arranged himself upside-down next to Remus. The change in position immediately made his head throb. He ignored it. "I definitely meant it when I called you 'evil'."

Remus' eyes widened in faux-shock. "You called me evil ?" he shrieked, voice ringing out high and clear. "Me? How dare you. I'm an angel!"

At least Remus was taking it well. "Sarcasm is my thing," Janus said, realizing that he might make it out of this without having to properly apologize.

For some reason, Patton's face flashed into his mind, and a subsequent twinge of guilt made his tongue go sour. Fine. If there was ever a time to start telling uncomfortable truths… "But I am sorry I said that."

"Wow!" Remus laughed. "You must be upset." A red stain began to spill across his left eye. "You don't apologize."

"It’s not like I care about your feelings or anything." Janus would have liked to have drawn himself up to his full height, but it was impossible to do while upside-down. "As much as I'm enjoying watching your blood vessels slowly burst, would you please turn over before you hurt yourself? I've suffered enough psychological trauma for today."

"Oh, fine." Remus kicked his legs and landed neatly on his toes like a gymnast.

Janus, by contrast, got his arms tangled in his capelet and nearly folded himself in half before he found his balance again. "I meant to do that," he said, turning to grab his hat so Remus wouldn't see the blush on his face.

The sudden sensation of blood draining from his head made the room whirl. He steadied himself against Remus' shoulder until it slowed somewhat, but nothing could dampen the horrible ringing in his ears.

"Well," he said, adjusting his shirt. The sudden appearance of his conscience had taken the wind out of his sails more than he cared to admit, and all thoughts of dancing bled out of him along with a good deal of energy. "I'm not going to go scream into my pillows until I tire myself out."

"Being an agent of chaos is hard work," Remus said with a sage nod, "but that doesn't sound very relaxing, Mr Self Care."

"It's a form of meditation, if you think about it," Janus said.

Remus made a face. "You know I don't do that."

"...Meditate?"

"No, think."

"Ah. Well." Janus made only a token attempt to hide his fond smile. "Good night, Remus. Please stay up late and injure yourself."

"Can do, Snakeypoo.”

Janus turned. It was close enough, he might as well walk to his bedroom, especially considering how well his last attempt at appearing in it had gone.

The reason why that had been so difficult became apparent in mere moments. Janus froze in the hall and dropped to his knees at the giddy wave of horror and delight that made him too light-headed to stand.

He knelt in front of the empty stretch of wall where his door had been previously. Heat flooded his face.

"Jay?" The rounded toes of Remus' boots appeared in his line of sight. Janus zeroed in on them, the mud splatters and stains on the soft leather. "You have an aneurysm or what?"

Janus, unable to speak, motioned for Remus to turn around. He couldn't deal with this right now.

"Ohhh," said Remus. "Well. Good luck with that ." He hauled Janus to his feet. "So you're a boner fide good guy now, huh?"

Janus stared over Remus' shoulder at the empty stretch of wall where his door used to be. "That depends entirely on who you ask."

Remus shrugged and rose up on his toes. "You can scream into my pillows instead, if you want."

"As tempting as that is…" Janus trailed off, his eyes still fixed on the wall. It was tempting, despite the constant chaos in Remus' room. But he'd have to face the Light side sooner or later. It wasn't like he could move his room back, not without psychologically damaging Thomas and undoing all the work he'd done. "I'm really looking forward to getting insulted some more."

"Alright," Remus said with a shrug. "Try not to throw me under the bus this time, alright? Unless it's a real bus…" His gaze became dreamy, unfocused. "And it's doing 50 in a school zone and there's a whole pack of screaming kids in the crosswalk--"

"Goodbye, Remus." Janus turned and left.

The barrier between the "dark" and the "light" sides of Thomas' brain had been a joint venture. It would have been there in some form no matter what, but it was Janus and Roman (with Patton's tacit blessing) who had worked to put up something more physical between them.

Janus ducked under the red curtain, trepidation percolating in his stomach, but what he found on the other side was anticlimactic to say the least: It was dead silent on this side of the barrier.

Janus wasn't sure what he'd been expecting. He knew by now that the so-called "Lights" had issues working out their interpersonal issues, and this most recent conflict wasn't the kind of thing you just got over. It did follow that they would all go off to lick their wounds for a time.

Hesitantly, toe-to-heel, Janus crept down the hall. It felt for all the world like he was sneaking around a vast hotel, right down to needlessly ornate design on the plush carpeting. That was probably Roman's doing.

Janus focused, trying to call the Mindscape to work for him. He wanted to go to his room.

The Mindscape listened. Janus turned a corner and found a row of doors stretching down yet another brightly-lit corridor. His eye was immediately drawn, not to the brilliant yellow of his own door, but to the figure huddled in front of it: Patton sat with his arms wrapped around his legs, forehead resting on his knees.

"Looking for someone?" Janus asked, slightly louder than necessary.

Patton jerked his head up. "Oh! Janus!" He plastered an unconvincing smile on his face. "You sure pop star-tled me."

Scaring Patton hadn't brought Janus nearly the level of schadenfreude he'd thought it would. He crossed his arms over his chest, extending a third to help Patton up. "Take your time getting to the point.”

"Oh." Patton accepted Janus' proffered hand and got to his feet. Warmth spilled from him, permeating the fabric of Janus' glove and gently heating his palm. "Well, it's just…" He took a deep breath. "I noticed your door and I thought-- Well, I wanted to make you feel welcome!"

A high-pitched tone resonated in Janus' skull. He bit down on the inside of his cheek to keep from wincing at the mounting pressure-pain-exhaustion in his temples. "Aren't you just a saint ." Patton's face fell. Janus fought the urge to swear aloud. He usually had a better handle on himself, and he knew better than to alienate potential allies. "I mean, thank you, Patton. Truly. I appreciate it." Patton had proven himself useful. Janus should at least cultivate that relationship, even if it meant a little discomfort.

"Have you eaten?" Patton asked. "It's a little late, but I could make something if you wanted." He paused. "Maybe we could play cards or something." Another pause. "O-only if you want to, I mean."

Janus let his face remain impassive even as he internally cringed at the idea of staying awake for even another second. It would be so easy to brush Patton off with a few honeyed words and disappear beyond the barrier of his door. But Patton had stood up for him today, or at least he'd tried to. Janus sighed. Quid pro quo. "That sounds like an utter waste of time."

"Are you… I'm sorry, sometimes I can't tell when you're…"

"Yes, Patton. That sounds lovely."

Patton actually hopped in place, an adorable little jig that absolutely didn't send a confusing little shockwave of fondness through Janus' ribcage. "Really?"

"Really," Janus lied.

He followed Patton down the hall into the living room, which opened into the dining room and the kitchen. Janus studied his surroundings, trying to take in as much as his exhausted faculties would allow. Even in the absence of other Sides, the living room felt warm and welcoming. All the lights were on, and they bathed everything in gentle golden light .

"You're awfully quiet," Patton said.

Janus shook himself. "I was just getting my bearings."

"I guess you've never really been over here, huh?" Pattton opened the refrigerator. Was he actually going to cook , instead of just manifesting something? How quaint. "Do you like grilled cheese?"

It had been a long, confusing day. Doublespeak came to Janus as naturally as breathing, but he was obviously running circles around Patton even when he wasn't trying to. "Yes," he said, hoping to telegraph his sincerity by not emoting at all.

It seemed to work. Patton studied him for a moment before turning back to the fridge. "Then that's what I'll make."

Janus took advantage of this temporary distraction to clamber onto one of the barstools. The slick velvet of his capelet tended to disagree with surfaces like wood and vinyl, and he needed a moment to arrange things so he didn't look as unbalanced as he felt.

He watched Patton work in the kitchen, a detached coolness washing out the scene. Quid pro quo, he reminded himself when he felt his facade begin to slip. He owed Patton this.

He certainly didn't feel the slightest twinge of guilt, that he had been the one to orchestrate this breakdown. Yes, the Light Sides had loaded the gun, but in the end it was Janus who had pulled the trigger.

He shook his head and thought about playing cards, good Bicycle playing cards with holes punched through them like they'd come from a casino. "What should we play?" he asked, pulling the deck from his breast pocket.

Patton looked up from the stovetop, his eyes flicking to the cards in Janus' hand. "Do you know Kings in the Corners?"

"Not personally, no."

Patton laughed, but there was something cold about it. "It's really simple," he said. "I'll show you how to play and you can tell me if you like it."

It was nearly impossible to cheat at Kings in the Corners. Janus doubted this had been a calculated measure on Patton's part, doubted he had the capacity for that kind of foresight, but he respected it just the same.

They played in funereal silence, staring each other down across the light wood of the dining room table. Janus, ill-inclined to take off his gloves, utilized a napkin to keep from staining them with melted butter from the grilled cheese Patton had made. Neither one of them smiled. Neither one of them spoke.

Janus pulled a card from the deck to indicate the end of his turn and glanced up at Patton. His face was somber, almost sorrowful, and it clashed against the gentle domesticity of the dining room, with its floral table runner and mismatched placemats.

Janus started to laugh.

"What is it?" Patton asked, cheeks darkening. "What? Do I have something on my face?"

Janus swallowed down another peal of laughter and cleared his throat, unable to wholly restrain the smile tugging at the corners of his lips. "You look like I’m holding you here at gunpoint." It was somewhat ironic, considering Janus was the one who felt like he couldn't leave.

"What?" Patton smiled, but it was more akin to an offering than an expression of joy.

"It’s not really funny. " Janus wasn’t quite sure how to make Patton understand.

Patton sat back with a sigh, placing his cards facedown on the table. "But I guess it is pretty funny, huh? In a really sad way."

Janus almost asked what was sad about it before realizing that Patton probably missed his friends. Instead he said, "Yes" and stifled a yawn behind his free hand.

"I'll make coffee!" Patton leapt to his feet and was off to the kitchen before Janus could so much as blink.

The newfound solitude made it that much harder for Janus to ignore his headache, which had only worsened in the hour or so he'd been playing cards with Patton. Despite the nonchalant facade he'd tried so hard to project, he'd been holding himself tense.

Maybe the night (or morning, at this point) would be easier to tolerate if he had, say, a bit of gold rum.

The corner of a flask dug into Janus' hip. He smiled.

"Just how late are you planning on staying up?" he asked Patton when the latter returned holding two mismatched mugs.

"Oh, I don't know," Patton said. Lied. He set a mug down in front of Janus and then resumed his seat, the cards forgotten by his elbow. "I'm… A little scared of what tomorrow will be like."

Janus eased the flask out of his pocket. "Rum?"

"Oh, um," Patton said, staring at the flask. "I don't know…"

Janus raised an eyebrow, working something out. He landed on it a millisecond later: Patton wanted to be convinced. Easy enough. Janus opened the flask and poured what he hoped was a shot into his own mug. It was black, he noticed, except for the yellow snake that wrapped around it, its tail firmly in its own mouth. Ouroboros. "Surely you don't intend to make me drink alone?"

As Janus had expected, Patton buckled the second he was pushed. "I guess not."

It was funny, Janus mused as he carefully tipped rum into Patton's coffee, how lying was only off-limits when Janus suggested it. Hilarious.

But now wasn't the time for bitterness, now was the time to repay the debt he owed Patton. "Cheers," he said, pocketing the flask once more.

"Cheers."

Janus sipped his coffee. "You put milk in this," he observed.

Patton's smile was surprisingly sly. "I know you want me to think you take it black. Virgil did too, at first. I know you ‘Dark Sides’ have an image you like to uphold."

"And how does Virgil take his coffee now?" Janus asked, lifting an eyebrow.

"With Snickers-flavored creamer."

"Well, I do take my coffee black," Janus lied.

Patton's smile never faltered. "We'll see, kid-- Uh, Janus."

"Patton," Janus said, before he could start thinking about the implications of Patton wanting to call him 'kiddo,' "you are planning on sleeping tonight, aren't you?"

"Maybe eventually," Patton said, suddenly unable to look Janus in the eye. "At some point."

"Tomorrow will come whether or not you sleep. It's definitely better to pull an all-nighter and feel like garbage instead of facing everything with a clear head."

"I know." Patton leaned forward so he could rest his head on his hand.

For a moment, Janus was tempted to mirror him. Sitting up straight was becoming quite the chore. "I know how the others love a calm, rational discussion."

"Oh, I wish." Patton's expression turned wistful.

Janus stifled a yawn behind his hand. He had half-expected the coffee to counteract the depressant effect of the alcohol, but all he had to show for the combination was a racing heart.

"I'll be fine out here if you want to go to bed," Patton said. Without seeming to realize he was doing it, he brought his hand to his mouth and bit down on his thumbnail.

It was a tempting offer. A day ago, Janus would have taken it. After all, it wasn't like he cared about Patton outside of professional courtesy. They weren't friends. But guilt nagged at him and wouldn't let him entertain the idea of abandoning Patton for longer than a second.

"That's a remarkable impression of a window," Janus said, waiting for Patton to look confused before elaborating, "I can see right through you."

"You got me." Patton smiled sadly. "That's something I've always admired about you, Janus."

Now it was Janus' turn to be confused. "What?"

"You're so… clever."

Janus narrowed his eyes. "Please do keep trying to change the subject."

"It's just… I don't want to have to lie there and, and think about today and everything I did wrong. I hurt Thomas. I hurt my friends." Patton's eyes were shiny behind his glasses; the unshed tears sparkled in the light when he locked eyes with Janus. "Aren't you going to think about the same thing?"

Anger flared, perhaps prematurely, in Janus' chest. "About what you did wrong today?"

"About what you did wrong," Patton said timidly.

"I," Janus said icily, "didn't do anything wrong." He stared Patton down across the table, jaw set, daring him to push back. Let him lecture and nag, let him prove that he hadn't changed no matter what he said.

But Patton only nodded, his face lined with misery. "Okay," he softly. "I think you're right, Janus. We should go to bed."

Janus thought about how much faster he could get to bed if the table was cleared, and all the dishes and cards vanished in a blink.

"Um, Janus?" Patton said.

"Yes?"

"I don't regret everything that happened today."

"Oh?"

Patton only nodded and sank out.

Janus made a beeline for his own room; better to find his way there on foot rather than risk appearing in the wrong spot.

Once inside, he looked around to ensure nothing was amiss, eyes roving over the dark wood of his bookshelves and desk, his mirrored closet doors, the leather armchairs across from his bed.

Everything was exactly as Janus had left it. He nodded, satisfied, set his hat on the nightstand, and sprawled out of top of the covers without bothering to further undress.

One hazy thought crawled to the surface of his mind before he fell asleep: At least he wouldn't be one of the regrets haunting Patton tonight.

#sanders sides #sanders sides fanfiction #janus sanders #moceit #spicywrites soft-shoe shuffle #song featured is: race among the ruins - gordon lightfoot #pics are free to use from unsplash and wikimedia commons

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brideofcthulhu10 · 4 years

Text

I promised you guys I'd whittle something out before the end of the day! (Currently its 11:30 here, so I made my deadline lol) So here's a bit of drama and fluff. Every couple fights, even vampires, but the most important thing is to take responsibility for your actions and communicate. With that in mind, I give you:

Lost Boys Make Their Fem!S/O Cry During a Fight

CONTENT WARNING: Sexual Themes, Possible Triggers, Topics of Physical and Verbal Anger

David

David is not known to mince words in any scenario, so you can bet that means he chooses an s/o who can handle his bluntness. The same could be said for your fights. Unlike Dwayne and Paul, David rarely yells anymore. Instead he's harsh, cold, and what he says often hits very hard. He doesn't tip toe around when he's calm, you can damn well bet he isn't going to be considerate when you tick him off. He can be quite jealous at times, but often it doesn't lead to a fight. Admittedly he can be a tad petty as well, but getting genuinely enraged towards you is not as common. A spat is one thing, but a serious fight can get ugly fast. He is almost jolted when he hears a sharp breath muffled under your hand. Hell he's only ever heard you make that sound during sex, and this was definitely no time to be turned on. He'll turn around and see you with your hand over your mouth trying to hide your shame and feel ungodly levels of guilt.

David's words are harsh, and when you turn out of the room he's still sitting there utterly flabbergasted that you had such a tearful expression. After all, you had to know he didn't mean it..right?

David will definitely sulk, he hates admitting he was wrong. Not necessarily because he thinks he's in the right for being cruel, but rather he's sure you just need space and then things will get better. He'll expect you back any day... So when you don't, he kind of goes into denial and will wait, and wait… and wait...

The guys stopped asking about you because every time he hears your name mentioned he grows more pissed off. Eventually he explodes in a rage, which is extremely rare for David.

"So uh.. about Y/N-"

"Why isn't she back yet?! This is stupid, she should know that I don't mean it!"

"Hey, David, man why don't you go talk to Y/N? I sure if you-"

"No! If she wants to stay away, fucking fine! Good riddance!"

Truthfully he's upset. Beyond that, really. He feels awful for making you cry, he's afraid you might hate him now, but he doesn't know how to approach the situation. Apologizing is difficult, to David it's a form of defeat and a part of him doesn't want to face that it's his fault you're gone.

Eventually he caves in after a week and a half. He misses you like crazy! The guilt gnaw at him to the point that he can't sleep, he can't think straight. Even blood begins to have a bitter taste to it.

It'll be a late night, closer to 3 am when he just silently appears in your room. If you're asleep he'll just stand there and watch you for a moment. Mostly trying to build up enough willpower to do what he's about to.

Expect his apology to be kind of crappy. At least, at first. It'll come off as angry, even a bit misguided just because he really hates admitting he fucked up. But when he does, it's the most sincere, heartbreaking moment of your relationship. He may have to turn away from you and shut his eyes before any tears tempt his cheeks. You can't see him like that. Tears means he's getting emotional, that means he's growing attached, and attachment… it's a weakness. When he's weak and attached, people die.

He lost a love before because he couldn't protect her, he's lost his brothers once because he got careless and underestimated his enemy, he can't lose more.

Once he apologizes and you come back to him, he's a bit more attached to you physically. He'll hold you from behind with his chin on your shoulder while sitting on his bike, have you sit on his lap at the hotel, even on the boardwalk he's become more open by holding your hand. He isn't ready to say the big "L" word just yet, so this is the most he can muster. Whenever he's too harsh now he'll apologize by hugging you to him. David is still scared of getting close, but he's more afraid of pushing you away from his lack of filter.

Dwayne

It takes a lot to ruffle Dwayne's feathers, so already he's not one to be careless with his words. Unfortunately once he's pushed to that point all bets are off. This usually dismissive vampire of little words becomes an eruption of rage. A lot of it is physical. He'll throw a table or punch a hole in a cement wall. He doesn't mean to scare you. When he gets that worked up he becomes unbelievably tense, almost his body's way of warning you not to push him. With fangs out, standing in the wreckage of his rage he'll pause to see you failing to hold back a mess of tears and immediately stops.

At that point he's exhausted. Rage takes a lot out of him, in the end he just feels flustered and a bit ashamed for losing his cool. The longest a fight lasts is maybe a day or two, usually you give each other space but once he's made you cry that's a different story.

Even if you started the fight he recognizes he shouldn't have done what he did. Temper or not, that's not an excuse to blow up at you. He'll be frustrated with himself for losing grasp of his emotions, and he'll probably take some time to think over his words before trying to solve the issue. It's hard to look at someone else's point of view when you're pissed off at them, he knows that better than anyone. Especially since he grew up with siblings before becoming a vampire. When he's got a good grasp on himself he'll probably try to settle things with you so that you two can get things back to normal.

"Y/N… come here, please," he'll say softly, patting the seat next to him on the couch. As soon as you do, he slings his arm around your shoulder and yanks you into his chest. He doesn't look down at you or say a word, he'll rest his chin on his fist looking straight ahead searching for the right words. If it was a mutual argument he'll explain his own point of view after apologizing for losing his temper, and when it's your turn he'll listen quietly. If it was on him, he's even more remorseful. He's reaching almost a hundred years old by now, he should know better. Truthfully he had the same issue when he was alive, but he never meant to drive you to tears. You'll both sit quietly together on the couch, Dwayne rubbing your back until you've calmed down. After all is said and done he'll tell you how much he loves you, he doesn't want to leave any negative feelings still in your heart. Relationships are a pain, he knows that, but he cares about you more than his own life.

Paul

Oh when you two go at it the gloves are off! Paul is the most emotional of the group, so when he gets mad all he sees is red. There will be a massive amount of yelling, he may even be fighting back some tears himself. He'll get physically frustrated, punching walls, throwing furniture, kicking things over. Yes, he might get in your face, and you can definitely expect him to bare his teeth at you. Especially if you're in his face too. By now it's not scary, just even more infuriating that he's trying to make to back out using intimidation.

When you cry it can go one of two ways. It really depends on the context of the fight.

If you started it, or it was a mutual argument he may storm off somewhere in the cave. To him crying can be a cheap tactic to make him feel guilty, so if you've done it when you've done something wrong it upsets him… even more so because he feels like crap! He hates fighting with you! You're his kitten, his babe, regardless whether or not you started the fight he feels terrible seeing you like that. He's just so damn frustrated! After mellowing out with a thick ol' stick of the devil's lettuce he'll sulk out with his hands in his pockets. If you're still there he'll plop next to you and explain why he was so ticked off. Granted, it isn't exactly eloquent the way he puts it. After all emotions are tricky, he doesn't always know how to express himself verbally. If you've already left and it's still night, he'll fly over to your place and try to settle things with you. He doesn't want to go to bed angry at you, and he definitely doesn't want you going to bed upset with him.

If the fight was started by him, or if you're genuinely upset he'll stop. Especially if your tears are from him hurting you. Then it's all love. He sets aside his temper, and pulls you into his arms. It'll take a moment for him to calm down, but it's just a plethora of tender apologies while he holds you.

"I'm sorry kitty-cat," he coaxes you, holding your head to his chest. "Don't cry, okay? I hate it when you cry."

If you aren't emotionally drained there'll probably be a lot of make-up sex in either situation. Once you two have made up, he wants to do everything he can to be close to you. Plus, he needs a release as well. Afterwards, he'll snuggle up to you still wearily mumbling apologies under his breath.

Marko

Anger isn't a common emotion for Marko. Well, unchecked rage that is. He can get a little irritated, but it really takes a lot for him to lose his temper. Even still it's closer to David's methods than Paul. Again it's the context. If you've done something wrong or started the fight he'll be more prone to outbursts.

While you're screaming at him, in his face he'll just watch you silently with a blank stare. On the surface he's calm. There's not a lot of yelling, but there can be some physical rage if you really push him. Marko would punch the wall and leave a crumbling chasm in his path, reminding you what happens when he's pushed too far. Truthfully he'd never put you in harm's way, but when he gets like this it's hard for him to stifle his predatorial rage that tends to poke through the cracks.

If he's the one who's upset with you, even if it's on him, he probably won't let on at first. While not petty, he'll seem distant from you. In public he'll yank you to him like a wolf warning others to stay away from his mate, but alone in private won't touch you as much. You may try to ace your hand on his shoulder and he'd immediately excuse himself from the room to sulk. If you really get clingy he grows even more agitated and will have very rough angry sex with you, his fangs may even come out in the process. Especially if he's jealous.

When you cry, it sucks. During a fight, after jealous defiling, when he intimidates you, it just sucks. If you step away from him he knows he's messed up.

Part of him doesn't want to cave in so easily to your displays of emotion, but if you're legitimately hurt by his actions he'll just let out an exasperated sigh. He may excuse himself verbally for a moment to try and gather his thoughts, or he'll sit you down and try to explain his reasons for being so enraged. If it's on him he'll carry you to the couch and hold you to him.

"*sigh* Look.. I'm sorry for going overboard the way I did, baby girl. I shouldn't have done that…"

If you cry after sex he'll feel like an utter asshole and hold you tight to him. He'll pet your hair, rub your back, even offer to let you smack him for being such a jerk. He may try to nibble your neck over kiss you until you start to giggle then give you his signature smile.

"There she is. I'm sorry I made you so sad, baby girl."

In all honesty this isn't a common occurrence. Marko still rarely ever gets mad at you, most of the time he's very laid back. So losing his temper is a bit jarring for him as well. He's never sure what will come out when he loses his temper, which is a huge reason why he does everything he can to keep himself in check. You may be a pain in the butt sometimes, but so can he. And above all, you're his pain in the butt. He still loves you more than anything at the end of the day.

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