#I’ve never been so happy to see my boy in a wheelchair too honestly | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

imabillyami · 10 months

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Smackdown thoughts?

Hey anon ❤️ Happy to have you in my inbox again! As always, thanks for asking and for being interested in what I have to say! I apologize for the late reply, I didn't manage to watch the entire show up until today, but now I'm glad I did!

I'll list things off in chronological order and put most of it under the cut (since this is super long once again, especially the part about the main event, oops).

The first bit of Roman walking in… the way Paul flinched was hilarious, looks like Jey really did a number on him last week lol. If you don’t love Paul, I don’t know what you’re doing with your life.

I love seeing NXT superstars on other brands, especially if they’re really building up to RAW vs. Smackdown vs. NXT for Survivor Series once again (also loved that little backstage sequence with Jey later on the show, boy’s got people’s respect and I love that).

The Fatal 4-Way was a great entertaining match. I love Rey Mysterio, he’s one of the reasons I’ve been watching the product for such a long time and he’ll always be a fav, so I don’t mind him winning, as long as they have something bigger and better in store for LA Knight. I’m annoyed they keep using him for promos to get a crowd pop, but still make him lose all the damn time. He’s so over rn, they’d be stupid not to do something with that other than promo work. (LWO vs. LWO next week should be interesting though.)

Charlotte vs. Iyo didn’t really catch me, it was a solid match (and I loved Bayley on commentary, honestly the combo of Bayley, Cole and Wade is comedic gold). Something about the match just felt a little off to me. They’re both great in the ring, I guess something about their chemistry just wasn’t for me. Hate that Iyo lost. LOVE that Asuka got the last laugh.

That Roman, Solo, Paul backstage segment 👀 My killer baby loves staring at that Ula Fala a little too much these days and The Tribal Chief knows it. It was a 30-40 second segment maybe, no words spoken, but we saw everything we needed to see. Just hope they don’t fuck over Jey at Summerslam over this, but I’m fully expecting it at this point.

The Shotzi stuff is looking awesome!!! Maybe getting a good feud in the women’s division? We love to see it! (I love Shotzi and Bayley, so I’m even more excited, I hope they’ll come through.)

Still not gonna talk about Theory, but he lost HAHAHAHA (and that’s all I’m gonna say)

Dunno what they’re cooking with Lashley and company, but I’m intrigued for sure 👀 First the Street Profits, now Carmelo and Trick? Interesting, interesting.

The Dom Dom stuff is super entertaining to me. Him and Mami are simply an iconic duo and I hope they’re not gonna split these two up anytime soon. That being said, give Rhea a good feud on Mondays pls and thx!

I get why people are frustrated over the whole NXT North American Championship thing, especially since Solo didn’t get to keep it when he joined the main roster, but then again it’s WWE and they keep changing the rules all the time, so it’s not all that surprising that they’d be inconsistent like that. And like I said earlier, if they’re really building up towards NXT vs. Smackdown vs. RAW for Survivor Series, it’s a smart business move to have one of their most popular acts on all shows to attract viewership and have one of them carry a title to lift it up even further (and for people whining about The Draft - honestly that was never gonna stick for too long, it never has in the past, and it was mostly about having the World Titles on different shows if you ask me). I love seeing gold on Dom Dom and on Mami and I’ll leave it at that.

Pretty Deadly and that wheelchair scene. I was laughing so hard. These two are GOLD. Add Wade’s commentary on top of that. Yeah… I don’t want a segment like that for them every week, but this segment and this week? LOVED IT!

And now on to the main event:

Jey’s entrance was pure fire my god 🔥🔥🔥 Honestly, you don’t wanna know I many times I’ve rewatched that one. Man’s fired up!!!

Him not looking at nor acknowledging Roman for the entirety of his entrance, only giving him the side eye once he’s close? Proud of how far he's come <3

(Am I the only one missing Roman raising those titles on the ramp? No? Good.)

If looks could kill Jey would be cooked by now - just look at Solo during that entire entrance and the whole segment, holy moly. He rarely takes his eyes off of Jey. No love lost between these two. God they are phenomenal. He only looks away and starts thinking on his own when Jey mentions the Elders telling him to challenge Roman. Solo may have been sent for Roman’s protection, but we can’t forget that his loyalty lies with the Elders, seeing as they are the ones who sent him in the first place. If they doubt Roman’s leadership - oh boy…

Roman trying to intimidate Jey just like old times (“little Jey”) and Jey standing his ground. The way I yelled 🔥 And Roman thinking this is just gonna be any old match, that this is gonna be Clash of Champions and HIAC all over again. His arrogance is unmatched and I love the dawning realization of what’s really happening here, starting with his confusion the moment Jey rips up the contract and says with his whole chest “the contract’s in the blood” “this right here is Tribal Combat now” all the way up to the moment he asks Jey if the Elders know about this and finds out it was their idea. You see doubt creep in, but he’s still infuriatingly arrogant. Right up until the moment I’m truly living for - the second he realizes what’s really at stake here when Jey reiterates “I said… it’s Tribal Combat now” (the most powerful line that’s been said all night phew 😮‍💨). That’s when he knows Jey truly means business. And Paul immediately trying to stop him? CINEMA.

Jey Uso listing all the ways he’s gonna beat Roman’s ass while bouncing in his lil chair will never not be hilarious to me. It was such a deeply emotional segment and he still managed to put a light comedic moment into it. And that smile at the end of it? That wasn’t Roman, even though he weaved it into the Tribal Chief’s arrogance extremely well (just goes to show how good he is), nah that was Joe cracking a smile and you can’t convince me otherwise. These boys (Josh and Joe) are having the time of their lives and I’m very soft about that 🥹

With Roman leaving the Ula Fala on the Table and initiating the Hongi with Jey? Honestly, to me this felt like the moment Roman finally acknowledged that they’re gonna meet as equals in that ring for the first time. Not big cousin and little cousin, not Tribal Chief and Right Hand Man, not main eventer and Tag Team Guy. Just two men who want what’s best for their family, two guys who have grown into supernovas over the years, two men who are equal and have mutual respect for each other. Tribal Combat means the match was sanctioned by the Elders and that’s huge. These guys are gonna murder each other, but they’ll love and respect each other while doing so. This was the ultimate showing of respect for each other and their heritage. This was their contract signing and it’s more binding than any other contract could ever be. And it’s immediately proven when Solo tries to go after Jey and Roman stops him.

And while Jey immediately kicking Solo in the face, no hesitation, shocks Roman and shows him just how far Jey is willing to go, just how different his cousin is from the man he faced years ago, Jey is not breaking any rules. Roman realizes he’s pushed Jey too far one too many times.

Paul kneeling in the corner in absolute despair was a hilarious and glorious little detail! This whole thing would never be the same without Paul Heyman, backstage and in front of the cameras. That man just >>>>>

Another thing I found incredibly intriguing was the little conversation Paul and Roman had while leaving. They were so stunned by the fact that Jey was talking to the Elders. If you listen closely you can hear Paul say “he said it was the Elder’s idea” and Roman say something along the lines of “I’m the only one talking to the Elders”. The fact that Paul looks legitimately scared… What are they doing to us?

I might not like whatever outcome they have planned for Summerslam (if Jey isn’t winning and he isn’t gonna, I’m not gonna like it, simple as that), but the build-up to it is incredible and I’m enjoying every second!

For me it was a good episode overall!

#hugs hugs hugs for you anon!#anon #lovely anon #m answers #replies #sorry for the wait again!#this got super long (again)#once I start I can't stop

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dememetor · 3 years

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HEY HEY HEY

I love your writing, can I please get jealous hcs for anyone? Please include suna thi he's my latest brainrot hAHA

hi, thanks for the request! and suna brainrot?? bitch me too the fuck. anyways, hope you enjoy~

(also sorry this is kinda late, i've rewritten iwaizumi and bokuto ones a million times)

Haikyuu boys when they're jealous

characters suna rintarou, kuroo tetsurou, iwaizumi hajime, bokuto koutarou, kenma kozume

warnings none but i'm probably gonna say fuck at some point

Suna Rintarou

he tries to be chill about it, he does

it hurts his ego to be this clingy but god

he can't help but to feel that sour sting of jealousy when he sees another guy approaching you

at first will only take a quick glance from afar, just to check if the guy is bothering you, and then promises himself to stay out of your business

well he doesn't

once he decides the guy has lost talking-to-y/n-alone privilege, he will nonchalantly make his way towards you, one hand in his pocket, other sneaking its way to your shoulder, resting his elbow and giving the poor boy a menacing look

he can be pretty intimidating too with that eyeliner and all

(but that look only works on people that don't know him well, he tried it on atsumu once and the latter just laughed in his face)

not the type to be openly jealous but when he sees someone blatantly flirting with you he will start to give you the Glance

blinks slowly (you know, like that one blonde haired guy gif) and looks at you through raised eyebrows as if to say hey babe, i love you and i trust you. what the fuck tho

and when the guy starts being borderline creepy he'll appear between you - and i mean literally will inject himself between you two and strike a conversation with you as if nothing weird happened

they usually get the hint, but this one guy tried to go around him, still rambling about whatever and suna literally turned on his heel and said "come again?" with such unrivaled coldness, his eyes exuding just sheer fucking spite

but like i said, unless the other guy is asking for it, he's not the type to start a direct confrontation

will take you by the hand and leave without much thought because he simply doesn't have the time for that shit

he might seem grumpy afterwards but a couple of soft kisses usually do the trick

soft kisses which are followed by a breathless make out session with you on his kitchen counter because he still wants you to know you're only his

Kuroo Tetsurou

this little bitch

never gets jealous

and i mean never

once pretended he was jealous just to make you feel better (??? his logic? unparalleled) but once you found out you beat his ass

loves it when you get jealous though (he thinks it's cute)

sometimes he does get insecure, but he shows it in an unusual way

like if you've been talking to someone, smiling at your phone for a while he'll just get up and randomly do a couple puhs-ups, start flexing his muscles and shit

all while you're looking at him like,,

"babe, what are you doing"

"oh i didn't think you'd notice me there. since you're on your damn phone all day"

"...are you my mom?"

nah he'll be fine (will steal your phone though)

also it's the funniest thing when he sees someone trying to flirt with you

he will literally walk over there, introduce himself (not mentioning he's your boyfriend) and act really interested in the conversation

he plays this game where he tries to see how long will it take the guy to realise you two are together (longest time: 24 minutes, record holder: yahaba shigeru)

whenever the guy asks you something he will interrupt you and answer for himself as if the guy were flirting with him

"so, like what do you do in your free time?"

"not mu-"

"oh i love taking long walks on the beach, especially during sunsets. i really think it is healthy for the mind and the soul, not to mention quite romantic too. don't you too love sunsets, kevin?"

at one point kevin will have had enough of it

"i was talking to y/n alone here"

"aw don't worry, you're not bothering me"

he is such a pain in the ass

why can't he just be normal

Iwaizumi Hajime

rational, mature, i love him

seriously, he is the bestest boy and he will treat you so well because he trusts you and respects your friendship with other guys as well

but on those rare occasions when he does get jealous,, oh boy

first of all, the PDA skyrockets, he has to have his arm around you at all times - around your shoulder? on your waist? in your backpocket? his hand's been there done that

not in any way possesive but will be really annoying unless you give him your full undivided attention that day

he lets himself be selfish a bit, after all he is your boyfriend he can have you all to himself for a day, right?

jealous sex with him? better prepare a wheelchair cause you want be able to walk straight tomorrow

sees a boy trying to flirt with you? tries not to make a scene but absolutely will throw the first punch if he needs to

one day he was having a particularly rough time at practice and all he wanted to do was lose himself in your arms and fall asleep to the feeling your fingertips tangled in his hair

and then he saw this?? guy? (the audacity!) laughing with you after telling some dumb joke and let me tell you - iwaizumi wasn't having any of it

he came up to you from behind, wrapped his arms around your waist and planted a small kiss on the crook of your neck

"when are we going home, love?"

and he gives him the calmest yet most fear inducing stare from behind you

and suddenly the pattern on poor boy's pants starts to look awful lot like piss stain

it is actually kinda hot how one single look from him can cause such a reaction

"he was just asking about english homework babe"

"yeah that's what they all say"

Bokuto Koutarou

gets jealous so so easily

it is actually fascinating

will get mad at otome games

"what does jumin han have that i don't???"

god forbid you pay attention to your pet more than him (btw you have a golden retriever and his name is bean)

you're sitting on the couch cuddling with your dog, scratching his ears, ruffling his fur and all that, and there he is, your clingy boyfriend, snuggling right next to you, demanding you play with his hair too

so dramatic

"you smiled at him... the way you used to smile at me..."

"bokuto, he's a dog"

the only guy he trusts 100% to be around you is akaashi, even kuroo is on thin ice

but him and akaashi are something else, one time you three had a sleepover and you felt like you were the third wheel

will act like a tough serious boyfriend in front of others, especially your other guy friends but in reality will look for affection immediately after

oh while we're at it - jealous bokuto kisses? are the best kisses

will also force you to wear one of his shirts for the rest of the day

my poor man is so touch starved so when he feels insecure or jealous he will look for comfort in things like holding your hand, nuzzling your neck or giving forehead kisses

but later that day, when you two are sitting on the couch cuddling he will quietly ask you something along the lines of "you still think i'm pretty, right?"

you can feel him all over you - his hands are creeping down your waist, he's pulling you in, deepening the kiss until all you can see, think and feel is him

he wants to show you exactly how much he wants you and what you were missing out on while you weren't paying attention to him

and it shocks you for a moment because you didn't realise just how much that one short moment of jealousy actually stayed with him

you have to reassure him he's the most beautiful boy you have ever met, and not only that, but also the funniest and the most caring person as well, and that you would never leave his side no matter what happened

and as much as he loves getting praised he always gets embarrassed, so he just smiles in return, but he is also happy to know you're there for him and you don't think he is too much

Kenma Kozume

it depends on his mood honestly

sometimes he doesn't mind it even if the other guy is flirting with you and sometimes will get pissy if you smile at the cashier

but when this boy gets really jealous oh my GOD

he is just like bokuto if not worse; he just hides it so well

one time you went grocery shopping with him and spent the entire time texting your friend who had just told you she was visiting your city

and he got so offended

you didn't even notice it until later that day when you came home and he suddenly refused to cuddle with you

silent treatment

lifts his nose and ignores you, only giving you dirty side glances from under the eye

such a massive sense of pride in those 170 cm even oikawa would be impressed

in my country there's a saying "it's in the smallest bottle that the poison lies" and honestly? yeah

at some point you realise why he's acting like that and you start teasing him

"i am not jealous i am just mildly irritated" is the only thing he deems necessary to say before going back to being unnecessarily pissed

he reminds you of an angry cat

it's kind of amusing seeing him like this but you were also getting real tired of his shit

don't even try bribing him (you tried buying him over with a ps5 but he just looked at you unimpressed, disgusted that you think so low of him)

the only thing he will accept is a sincere apology

if it's sincere or not is up to him to decide, obviously

which can lead to quite some bickering

will try to get you to beg but please have dignity, if you do it once he will make you do it every time

yeah generally a lttle shit but his kisses after making up are just as eager as yours so

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himboarcher · 3 years

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reasons i've seen folks say that grad critics hate grad:

they hate travis (in fairness, i’ve def seen some comments of people shitting on trav for the sake of shitting on trav, but it’s not super common and typically gets downvoted into oblivion on reddit.)

it's not balance / travis isn't griffin (???????)

they hate neurodivergent people (again, in fairness, i have seen a handful of comments that could come across this way! but most of the time when travis being ADHD or his NPD is brought up, it's by defenders saying that criticizing travis is ableist because he's neurodivergent or, in one particular comment, infantilizing him bc of it and literally comparing grad to putting a kid's artwork on the fridge. there were some comments early on that pointed to him being a narcissist as the reason for things people disliked about grad, but everyone seems to have realized that that's a shitty train of thought and left it behind.)

they're just toxic haters (again, there are a small handful of people like this because this is the internet, but the genuine criticism greatly outweighs their bullshit. i 100% think that the people, which is mostly just one dude who is also insufferable on reddit, who have been responding rudely to positive tweets under the episode announcements lately are out of line and need to stop. there's been an influx of that lately, presumably because people are frustrated that after over a year of grad going on, there's been no improvement to most of the major issues. that's still no excuse to be a dick to folks, though.)

vs some of the actual reasons i don't like grad:

the racism / racist tropes, and the way that they’ve straight up ignored this criticism and will likely never acknowledge it. pretty wild considering a core tenet of their brand is their willingness to acknowledge when they’ve messed up and do their best to course correct.

clumsy attempts at inclusion that are shallow and often end up being fairly offensive ("...ask me about my wheelchair," anyone?)

on a related note: i don't think that travis had bad intentions, but as an nonbinary person, it feels othering to me that travis only has enby characters give others their pronouns unprompted. i'm thinking specifically of kai here. having listened to their introduction, i don't think it's as bad or awkward as some people have said, but i can't remember travis ever having another NPC tell the PCs their pronouns, especially not a cis character. it's not a huge deal, but it's something that rubbed me the wrong way. admittedly, i don't think it would bother me so much if travis hadn't dropped the ball so much with performative inclusion in the past.

okay i'm putting the rest under a read more because even without getting into all of the problems i have with it, this got Long.

little to no player agency. player choices are ultimately meaningless and have little to no effect on the world. even when he seems to go along with a plan they come up with, it always ends with them having to go back to travis' pre-written script (see: subpoenaing the xorn, but not really because they had to go with travis' original plan of "send the xorn home through the rift".) the players repeatedly get told things about what they think or feel or what they've been doing to an unnecessary degree. fitzroy is the only one who really gets space to play and decide things for himself, and that's only because travis has decided he's the main character.

the NPCs are all too nice and willing to give the PCs anything they ask for and more, unless the PCs are trying to follow their own plan and then the NPCs are completely useless. but honestly, aside from gray, all of the NPCs are just.... nice. travis refuses to even let his antagonists be mean or cruel or even more than just slightly rude, because that'd be a bummer and we don't want that! the "twist" of gordy the lich king actually being polite and chill is not a twist at all because everyone is like that in this world. the NPCs are also wildly overpowered, but then suddenly absolutely useless when the PCs actually want their help.

too many cliffhangers that are dropped immediately at the beginning of the next episode. i feel bad for travis because so many of these cliffhangers actually set up good momentum and seemed like things were gonna get interesting, but almost every single time he just dropped them at the beginning of the next episode. like when althea showed up to interview the boys and the next episode started with travis being like "actually you went to sleep, she said she'll be back tomorrow!"

that time travis specifically said in his exposition dump that the thundermen left their horses behind because they thought the centaurs might be offended by them riding horses, only to later on rag on them for being surprised that the centaurs had horses they could ride.....

also the centaur arc in general, but i already listed racism above, so.

the way that the toxic positivity and parasocial tendencies in the mcelroy fandoms have made a large portion of the fandom take ANY criticism as a personal attack on travis and/or on themselves for enjoying something others consider bad, either morally or just quality-wise. it’s okay to admit that something you like has problematic elements or just isn’t as good as it once was. you can and should engage critically with the media you consume.

related to above: the way travis has handled genuine criticism, which is to throw public tantrums on his twitter or make weird passive aggressive tweets & ultimately ignore all the genuine criticism and advice he's been offered by claiming it's all subjective, even after he specifically asked for it and set up an email for folks to send in genuine, objective advice for him (after he threw a tantrum on twitter and replied to someone's criticism publicly, which resulted in his followers dogpiling on that person bc how dare they insult their internet best friend). while i was writing this last night, he actually announced that he’s taking a break from Twitter and acknowledged that he’s been using it as an echo chamber where he can easily get validation from folks, and honestly i’m happy for him that he’s recognized this problem and is stepping away for a while! i hope he’ll genuinely use this time to reflect on how he’s been behaving and find a more healthy way to use social media. i’m leaving this point in because i think his Twitter being such a positive echo chamber was encouraging him to do stuff like this, and him somewhat acknowledging his behavior doesn’t mean it can no longer be discussed.

rainer. extremely cool concept in theory and i was very into it until that awkward "does anyone want to ask about my wheelchair?" moment. also when travis had her use her mobility aid to RAM INTO A DOOR instead of just fucking knocking???? also all the times travis has tried to force a romantic relationship between her and fitzroy, despite fitzroy displaying no interest in her in that way. also, just to clarify: as an ace person, i don’t think this is aphobic! (and it’s kind of a stretch to call it that imo, especially since griffin never explicitly said that fitzroy's aromantic!) i just think it’s weird and awkward and a little uncomfortable for me personally, mostly because it reminds me of the times i’ve been in similar situations.

less of a problem than a lot of the other stuff and more just bad writing, but the forced emotional moments. in general, nothing in grad feels earned (why are the boys heading a war? when they have multiple actual heroes with combat experience on their side and a supposedly powerful secret organization? and the thundermen are like 21 years old max and have only had like ~10 fights in the entire campaign?) but there've been a couple times where travis has tried to force unearned emotional moments, presumably because he knows people enjoyed those with the last campaigns. but the difference is that in balance, the big emotional moments happened because they were earned. in grad, it's just travis throwing a baby pegasus at us for a few minutes and then the next time she shows up, it's supposed to be a tearful goodbye.

there are absolutely no stakes. remember when the thundermen got told that if they left, gray would kill 10 students? and then they left and came back and it turns out that what gray actually meant was, "i'll tie ten students who are mostly nameless NPCs to a tree and throw some dogs at them that you can easily stop in time, then throw a tantrum because how dare you but i'll leave before you can really do anything to hurt me lol" travis did have fitzroy's magic get taken away, but like. it didn't really do anything? also all he had to get it back was be coerced into using drugs by an authority figure and trip in the woods?

we're told that the school is weird and the hero system is corrupt, but the world of nua is still presented as more of a liberal utopia than anything? althea getting fired because of a corrupt villain is the only time we've somewhat seen corruption, but even then, she was still allowed to get (what seems to me, anyway, but admittedly i don't know for sure bc nothing about the HOG makes much sense) a fairly important job from the very people who stripped her of her hero license or whatever the fuck heroes need?

travis doesn't actually seem to understand how capitalism or bureaucracy works and just chalks up everything to "red tape." also more on the rest of the boys than him specifically, but the "let's destroy capitalism!" thing turning into just pushing some filing cabinets over................... okay.

and one last piece of extremely subjective criticism: it's just kind of.... boring. i think a lot of people, myself included, would be willing to overlook 90% of the problems with graduation if it didn't feel like such a slog to get through.

also people saying that we can't or shouldn't criticize graduation because it's "free" is absolutely absurd for several reasons. first, something being free does not make it above criticism. second, there ARE people who directly financially support the show with monthly donations. three, there's a difference between something being free and something being not for profit. podcasting is their full time job. they make their living off of money made from TAZ and MBMBAM (and probably their other shows to a lesser extent). this not a fun home game that they are graciously recording and sharing with us. it is a product they are producing that they make money off of, both from ads in the episodes and merch & books based off of these podcasts. they have marketed themselves as professionals, and both griffin and travis have been on panels where they are marketed as professional DMs and appear alongside other professional DMs (which makes it incredibly frustrating when people say that travis is just a newbie DM and we can't criticize him because of that. if he's a newbie, then he should not be taking part of panels as a professional DM where he speaks as an expert). TAZ is free in the same way that an episode of NCIS is free. i may not pay for it directly, but the creators are paid to create it and profit off of me consuming this product. so saying we should be grateful for any mcelnoise that the benevolent good boys share with us and that we're not allowed to criticize it "because it's free" is absolutely wild.

#negativity cw #i guess #anyway this is not meant to say that you cannot enjoy grad.#but i'm tired of folks on this website acting like there aren't genuine problems with it #and saying that people just dislike it bc they hate travis etc etc #taz graduation #i genuinely don't expect anyone to read this bc it's so long #but here ya go.#long post

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withluvgen · 4 years

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My songbird - Warren Worthington X Reader

Words: 1,601

Warnings: Angst. Mentions of abuse and death.

Request: Hi!! could I request a Warren x reader where him and reader have sort of the same mutation (reader's wings are like crow feathers) and they met before the whole Apocalypse thing and they reunite after and Warren cries cuz he thought he would never see them again? Thank you!

A/N: I tried to make this gender neutral because the pronouns used in the original request wasn’t gender specific either, so I just thought it would be better if I did it this way. Also, parts of this fic may or may not be based on Hawks from My Hero Academia, as well as some content of him I saw on tik tok (mostly just the songbird thing). Anyway, I’m sorry this took way too long. I just had a lot on my mind and couldn’t think of a way to write this until now.

REQUESTS ARE OPEN!!

---

When Y/N met Warren, they were delighted to have met someone that looks like them. Warren had a beautiful pair of white wings that looked like they were as soft as clouds. He looked ethereal. While Y/N on the other hand, has wings as dark as night and weren’t quite as large. Warren looked like a literal angel, while Y/n looked like they grew crow wings on her back. This didn’t really make them feel insecure in anyway, they were honestly really proud of their wings as they can do something that Warren’s cannot.

Y/N had the ability to telekinetically control the feathers on their wings and can sense things through them. It wasn’t really much of a game changer when it came to the cage matches but to Warren, Y/N’s wings were amazing.

The two of them became friends easily because of what Y/N had said to Warren. Looking back, it was a bit cringey but hey if it made the curly haired bird boy stay, they’d gladly say it again.

“Oh hey you must be new here?” Y/N said as they looked out of the cage they were in.

“Tch.” Warren coldly responded as he sat on the ground hugging his knees.

“What’s with the attitude, bird boy? I was just being nice.” Y/N sighed before continuing. “Look, I know it sucks to be stuck here, but believe me it helps to at least make a friend or two. That way you wouldn’t be alone in this.”

“I don’t see the point of being friends if they’re just going to make us fight each other to the death.” He responds, head rested on his knees.

“Well aren’t you an absolute ray of sunshine?” Y/N chuckles “Those of us who’ve been here long enough to survive aren’t really pitted against each other. And seeing as you’re here in the same cell room as me, it’s least likely we’ll be fighting each other. Plus, we don’t really fight to death. Most of us anyway. We mutants got to stick together you know?”

Warren looked up from where he was sitting to finally take a look at the mutant who was talking to him. From behind the cell bars, he took in their features and noticed a pair of wings on their back, much like his, but they were smaller and a different color. Y/N noticed Warren staring and they smirked at him.

“Take a picture, bird boy, it’ll last longer.” They said with a wink. Warren’s face turned a light shade of red from the embarrassment of being caught staring.

“I-I wasn’t…” he started before Y/N’s laugh cut him off. Their laugh, it was something entirely different. It was enough to change the atmosphere in the room. He felt a warm feeling inside of him just from hearing them laugh.

“I was just teasing. Anyway, I don’t think I’ve introduced myself?” They asked before reaching out their hand to him. “I’m Y/N Y/L/N.”

“Y/N.” He thought to himself. The name suited them. He looked at their outstretched hand and took it. “Warren Worthington III.”

“Well, Warren, looks like you and are going to be really good friends.” Y/N said as they stretched out their wings. “After all, birds of a feather flock together, right?”

“That was stupid.” Warren laughed for the first time since being caught. He could tell that something about this mutant was different.

It was about a year later, Warren and Y/N had become a little more than just friends, but neither of them dared to address it or put a label on whatever they were. They were just two people who cared so much about the other, and besides their current situation wasn’t exactly ideal for a relationship.

But after Warren’s fight with Nightcrawler and all the mutants in the cage fights managed to escape, Y/N was separated from him. The last time Y/N saw him was when he struggled to fly out of the cage and into the night sky, only hearing about him days later on some news channel that he had joined the mutant called Apocalypse.

A few months later Y/N was flying around the night sky of Westchester when they saw a familiar winged figure standing near a lake. Y/N knew the place to be Xavier’s school, they were on their way there to seek refuge, knowing well that Professor Charles Xavier took in mutants. Y/N had hoped to find a new home in Xavier’s, what she didn’t expect was the person they once thought of as their home was standing on a few feet away.

They didn’t bother at first to go near the figure they saw by the lake, they thought it might just be a trick of the light or something. Only landing at the doorsteps of the mansion. The vast door opens to reveal a handful of mutants running about. It was late at night so Y/N didn’t expect to see other mutants until the next morning.

“You must be, Y/N?” A red headed girl asked.

“H-how did you know?” Y/N asked in surprise.

“The professor knew you were coming.” She smiled. “Come on follow me.”

Y/N followed the girl to what seemed to be an office at the end of the corridor. The mansion looked even more stunning on the inside than it did on the outside. As the red-head lead them inside, they were greeted by a bald man on a wheelchair. “That must be the professor.” Y/N thought.

“Thank you, Jean. Hello, Y/N Y/L/N, I am indeed Professor Charles Xavier.” He said with a smile on his face. “Came a long way, haven’t you?”

“Yeah. I started in Germany and flew from country to country just to get here.” Y/N said as they stood awkwardly in the center of the room, next to the red-head named Jean. “I’ve been through a lot, honestly, and when I heard about this place from some other mutants, I knew I that this is the place I should be. I’m sorry if I just came here so suddenly, I just had to get away from all the violence.”

“I see. You are more than welcome to stay here with us, Y/N. In fact I think you may find some familiar faces.” The professor smiled and as if on cue, there was on a knock on the door. “Come in.”

“You wanted to see me professor?” Both Y/N and the boy were in shock at the sight of each other.

“YOU?!” They both said in unison.

“How did you get here?” Y/N asked the boy. “Last time I saw you was when you were in the cage fight with- the day we all got to escape that hell-hole.”

“I was brought here by the person who saved me, Mystique.” He said as he paused for a bit. “It’s not just me who is here. Someone else from the cage fights.”

“Warren?” Y/N said jaw dropped as they saw the familiar winged boy for the first time in months standing by the door. He’s changed. His wings no longer had the beautiful white feathers that Y/N adored, they were now matched the look on his face cold and metallic. But after seeing Y/N in all their likeness, the expression on his face seemed to soften.

“What are you doing here?” Warren said as he came rushing to wrap Y/N in his arms. The professor nodded to Jean and Kurt, signaling them to take their leave.

“I flew here. I didn’t know where else to go.” They said as they melted in Warren’s embrace.

“I’m so happy to finally be with you again, songbird.” Warren said and Y/N’s heart fluttered at the sound of his pet name for them. “You don’t know how much I’ve missed you. I swear, I wanted to look for you after I escaped but my wings they- I lost them. They were beyond recovery and when Apocalypse came I- I’ve done some terrible things in the past few months without you and I thought that what I am now was the universe’s punishment for all that I’ve done. I can’t erase or undo what I did, and my wings and the tattoos on my face are a constant reminder of that. Every time I look at myself, I’m reminded of what I’ve done. But that wasn’t the worst part of it. The worst part is that I thought I’d never get to see you again, but here you are. I’m sorry.”

Y/N stops for a moment as they look up at Warren and see that he’s been crying. They wiped his tears with their thumb and cupped his face in the process.

“Hey, none of that. We’ve all done some terrible things in our lives, but it’s what we do to make up for them that matters. You being here means that you want to change, right?” Warren nods as he leaned in to their touch. “I don’t care what you did, or how you ended up looking like this. I don’t care about any of that, Warren. I knew how badly hurt you were that night. I came to find you but when I saw you on the news, I knew you had to do what you did. You don’t need to apologize for anything, Ren.”

“I’m just so happy that you’re here.” Warren said as he pulled them in for another hug. Wrapping his arms around them tighter, as if he was afraid that if he let go, they would disappear.

“I’m not going anywhere.” Y/N said as they buried their face in Warren’s chest.

---

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muse-oleum · 4 years

Text

The Flower Shop, part 3

Kingsman - Harry Hart x Fem!OC

Part 1; Part 2; Part 3;

Hey folks! Here’s the third installment of my series. I hope you enjoy it! We’re getting into it, finally. Also, I’ve just added another prompt list that you can find here, go give me some inspiration!

Word count: 1.7k

Warnings: none

The camelias shivered in the evening wind. By their place on the windowsill, they overlooked the entire room, with its large bed, desk and the man sitting there.

Harry’s books and notebooks had all been lost when his house was bombed to the ground, so he’d had to start again. Over the course of the past few weeks, he had purchased several anthologies and was still looking for new publications on the subject of entomology.

He missed his old notebooks, relying entirely on the scribbled pages of the battered pad he’d used during his time away.

Harry rarely referred to his time as an amnesiac entomologist as anything else except his “time away.” He was still grappling with the strange sensation of having recovered his life but he wasn’t so sure now, after so many months wishing for freedom to go find his butterflies, which life he wanted to lead.

Kingsman had been his home for decades, ever since he’d left the army to become a secret agent. But before that? He’d been so invested in becoming an entomologist that it almost surrounded him in a shroud of wing dust for the rest of his career. His home was full of them; his head was full of them; and his heart was full of them.

None of his friends had ever understood his passion for the small insects. To be honest, Harry himself did not understand it fully.

His father had been very fond of gardening, and his mother never allowed him to squash any insects he found in his room. Even if it was the biggest spider in the world - at least to the eyes of a little boy - she would just pick it up in a tissue and let it free outside. He had always supposed his interest came from them. But now, looking back on how he had cleaved to his ephemeral friends, he wondered if the root for his interest did not run deeper.

Perhaps he was fascinated by their transience? The manner in which their sense of purpose carried them to their death? He envied that. The whole of the animal kingdom, except humans, seemed to have a purpose. Harry had lost his and didn’t know how to regain it.

Sighing, he turned off the nightstand lamp, plunging the room into darkness. Before falling asleep, he remembered his promise to Rebecca to come fix her garden shed. A small smile tugged at the corners of his lips. At least, he had that to look forward to tomorrow.

Monday ----, 9 a.m

The chime of the doorbell accompanied Harry’s entrance into the flower shop. At the end of a cold February month, the sight of so many blooms was a welcome start to his day.

“You’re an early riser!”

Rebecca stood at her cluttered counter, snipping twigs off small branches. Harry watched, strangely fascinated, as she arranged them in an elegant bouquet. She seemed to know just where to place them.

“It’s for a wedding,” she said, matter of factly. “Apparently, the bride is fond of forest weddings and decided to go for a woodland theme.”

“A forest wedding in February? Good luck to them.”

Her singsong laugh echoed through the shop.

“Yes, the groom seemed rather resigned, poor chap. Let me just finish with this one and then we can go look at the shed.”

Harry followed, calling after her, “I didn’t bring any tools, I hope you’ve got something I can work with?”

Rebecca popped her head out of the shed. “Come and have a look for yourself. It’s in quite a state, but it still stands. My dad was strangely proud of that.”

Harry fit his broad-shouldered frame inside the small shed as best he could without towering above her. Rebecca caught his eye as he attempted to squeeze himself in, chuckling slightly.

The shed was small, built out of wood that had begun rotting many years ago. Daylight filtered through cracks along the walls and dust shimmered in the air. In the corner, a box of tools, its bright red colour contrasting strangely with its surroundings, was waiting patiently for its next use. Rebecca had arranged a large pile of fresh wood and wooden panels next to it, probably to restore the cracked walls.

“It’s dismal, I know, but the roof is still in a really good state so i’d hate it to collapse entirely.”

Harry gently pushed against the walls. The wood cracked and moaned but it held. The problem was the rot, which had weakened the overall structure.

“I’m afraid if you want it to stand for any number of years, we have to tear it down completely first. The wood is rotting. Best to rebuild entirely.”

Rebecca nodded, biting her lips nervously.

“I don’t want to ask you to do that, I thought it just needed a few repairs. But tearing it down and rebuilding it is a job for my brother; he loves to demolish things to rebuild them.”

A small part of Harry’s heart - which he refused to acknowledge - rebelled at the idea.

“Nonsense, I said I’d help and I will. We will just need a lot more wood than that.”

Wednesday, some weeks later ----, 6 pm

Dropping by Rebecca’s shop had become part of Harry’s routine. Nearly everyday after work, he’d go in, buy a few flowers and go. Every weekend, he’d drop by and work on the shed. He was grateful for the distraction it provided and, slowly, began to acknowledge that Rebecca had wormed her way into his heart.

Harry Hart had never dared to think too much about love. The Kingsman code was explicit: no attachments, no weaknesses. Eggsy and, on occasion, Merlin, had expressed how incredibly stupid and bigoted the Gentleman Guide was but the former Arthur had been uncompromising.

Kingsman was slowly adapting and changing, especially after Poppy’s missile catastrophe. A new Arthur had yet to be found but under the capable supervision of the older agents, amongst which Harry and Merlin, the newer recruits were coming into their own. Kingsman was still not operating at full capacity, what with the HQ and the London shop in ruins, but it was getting there.

Exhausted, Harry shook out his umbrella outside the shop before coming in, tucking it neatly in a corner. It had been a long day: recruits to assess, Merlin to check on (he was adjusting to his wheelchair but threw a few dignified Scottish tantrums along the way) and paperwork to work through.

The smell of freshly cut flowers greeted him and, immediately, he felt better. March had brought an early spring and the blooms were peeking shyly from under their green little sprouts.

Harry heard a commotion in the back room and, nerves on alert, made his way slowly towards the garden. Carefully popping his head in, he saw Rebecca, on the ground, looking under the sofa and murmuring soft words of encouragement. Eventually, a small kitten emerged, sniffing her fingers curiously. He meowed a few times, noticing Harry by the door, and meowed even louder, asking for food.

“I believe this little lad is hungry.”

Rebecca gasped, nearly bumping her head on the sofa.

“Harry! You scared the living daylights out of me!”

He held his hands up, taking one step in, chuckling slightly.

“My apologies. You looked terribly busy.”

The shabby little cat, meanwhile, completely disinterested in the antics of those two humans, had made his way towards the kitchen, no doubt drawn to the smell of soup hanging in the air. One or two loud meows later, a large bowl full of ham and leftover meat had been placed for him by the table and he happily forgot all about everything else.

“I found him in the street this afternoon. It was cold and he was shivering and crying, so I brought him in. He wasn’t a fan of being carried somewhere new and he hid under that couch for a solid hour before you came in.”

“Well, he’s one lucky cat.”

Rebecca laughed softly and shook her head, her long curls bouncing around her forehead. Harry resisted the urge to tuck one behind her ear. Tying an apron around her waist, she made her way towards the stove to check on the soup.

Harry observed her, sleeves rolled up to reveal creamy skin, feet tapping lightly to no rhythm in particular, curls pinned up by a clip, out of the way. He felt his heart give a little tug and, unable to stop himself, took a few steps towards her.

She didn’t seem to notice, absorbed in diagnosing what exactly was missing from the soup. The warm smell of tomatoes made Harry’s mouth water. He could tell what was missing from that distance.

“Have you added basil?”

She looked up at him, noticing his closeness, and a pretty blush spread over her cheeks. She tasted one more spoonful before smiling broadly, dashing out of the door and back again. She came back with a shriek, shaking the droplets out of her hair. Harry couldn’t contain his smile.

Suddenly, as she was taking off her boots, a sparkling flash of blue caught Harry’s eye. Looking more closely, he froze. There were two blue butterflies, Adonis blues, flying around her head. One settled into the mass of pinned curls, the other kept looking for a perch.

Harry’s heart soared. how he had missed his butterflies! Their gentle movements mesmerized him and, unconsciously, he took a step forward. He didn’t notice the curious look Rebecca shot him when he reached up to touch one of the butterflies. She didn’t stop him, didn’t move, as if she knew something was happening that she couldn’t see.

Harry felt the flutter of the butterfly’s wings on his fingers and smiled. Rebecca had never seen him smile like that before. He had never smiled happily, always offered small, sad, smiles. She wondered what it was that made him so happy tonight.

The moment ended when their eyes met, Harry blushing furiously and taking a step back; Rebecca reaching up to touch her hair, her blush deeper than before.

“I’m sorry, I-”

“I’ve never seen you smile like that.”

Her tone was curious, not displeased. Harry couldn’t help but answer honestly:

“There were butterflies around your head. Blue ones. I’ve always loved blue butterflies.”

Rebecca frowned slightly. Butterflies? In this season? Surely that was impossible, and she would have seen them. Harry lowered his eyes to the ground, realizing how utterly mad that must have sounded. He was ready to take his leave when she said:

“I love blue butterflies too.”

Taglist: @justawriterinprogress; @tonystrksslut; @emilyyblackkk; the-sea-belt; @flybi91

Comment below if you want to be added to my HH taglist!

#harry hart #kingsman #harry hart x oc #harry hart x reader #harry hart x fem!oc #the flower shop #part 3 #original work #kingsman: the secret service #Kingsman: the golden circle #fanfiction #kingsman fanfiction #original character #original female character

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lefaystrent · 5 years

Text

Nursing Home au

Patton works at the nursing home as a registered nurse, because the man truly cares for people.

He oversees the activities of the rest of the nursing staff, and he’s always keeping them in high spirits.

There’s a vacancy for a nursing aide. Who could possibly fill that position?

It’s Virgil.

At first, Patton honestly doesn’t think Virgil should have been hired there.

Patton had seen Virgil during the hiring process, and his personality didn’t seem like a … good fit. Too closed-off and kinda gruff, and probably not a good bedside manner, right?

Plus there was that criminal record to consider …

But the nursing home administrator hires him anyway, and Virgil joins the staff.

Patton keeps a close eye on Virgil.

Yes he feels guilty, but even Patton isn’t free from prejudices.

Virgil goes about his work very meticulously.

He arrives five minutes early every day, without fail.

He never complains about the tasks he’s been given, just quietly accepts them in a way that makes Patton and the others wonder what he’s really thinking.

He doesn’t talk casually with the other staff much, giving short answers whenever prompted.

Patton worries about the staff’s morale as a team.

Surprisingly, he starts hearing a lot of praise about Virgil. Not from the other staff members, but from the patients themselves.

One of them, a man named Roman, sounds like he’s complaining about him.

“And then he started criticizing my favorite movies!”

“I’m so sorry sir, I’ll talk to him about that.”

“What are you talking about? Kid had some good points. I like him.”

Patton starts subtly bringing up Virgil in conversations while visiting with the patients. For some, he doesn’t even have to warm up to the subject. They stop him in the hallway.

“Patton hun, you know that new boy with the eye-makeup?”

“Yes ma’am, that would be Virgil.”

“He’s so sweet. He helped me with my phone, it’s one of those smart ones? It wasn’t working right, and he fixed it. He’s a smart boy.”

The biggest sign is when one patient—Logan Crofters, who’s a notorious nitpicker—actually voices his approval of Virgil.

“He’s not an idiot,” is all Logan says on the matter, which coming from him, it’s high praise.

Patton doesn’t really understand yet why the patients have taken such a liking to him, but he endeavors to try harder to see who Virgil really is. Mostly he’s glad that his first impression seems to be wrong.

Virgil, for his part, doesn’t understand why the patients like him either.

He just knows that they do.

One of them goes out of their way to call him over to ask for his opinion on what color scarf to knit for their granddaughter.

Another one makes a point to introduce him to their visiting family.

Lots of them seem to like to talk his ear off in general and give him life advice.

Virgil doesn’t really mind it. He’s not used to people wanting to talk to him so much, and to be honest he could use some of the advice.

And the stories they have to share are kinda wild.

He likes bantering with the one old dude, Roman.

“I’ll have you know I’ve killed many a dragon witch in my day.”

“Was this before or after you went senile?”

“Brat.”

“Old fart.”

And then there’s Logan, the elderly man in a wheelchair. He’s probably the smartest man Virgil has ever talked to.

“You’d be surprised how many people assume I’m stupid.”

“You’re in a wheelchair, not braindead dude.”

“Yes, but I am old and crippled, and many people cannot separate physical inadequacy from mentality.”

“Well most people are idiots.”

Logan shows off his dentures in a rare grin.

After those two, there’s Remus.

Even the other staff members warn Virgil in advance about him.

It takes Virgil a month into working there to realize that he’s Roman’s brother.

It really should have been obvious.

“Virgil, where would you bury a body?”

“Why bury it when you can just burn it? Or feed it to some pigs; they’ll eat anything.”

“… oh, I like you.”

Okay, not so obvious, because Remus is a crazy old coot. But he’s got a lot of ideas and grand stories like Roman, only darker themed.

Virgil is convinced Remus is fucking with him to get a reaction out of him.

“He only says all that to get a rise out of you,” Logan confirms.

Challenge accepted.

Virgil continues being a bomb ass nurse.

He’s always super self conscious around his superior, Patton.

He knows Patton is wary of him and Virgil is terrified of messing up in front of him.

Or messing up in general. Poor babe really is too hard on himself.

Even the patients worry about him from time to time.

“You getting enough sleep at night, son? Ya got bags under your eyes!”

“That’s makeup, sir. You know that’s my makeup.”

“Hahaha, but it was funny, right? But seriously, are you sleeping enough?”

And Virgil can’t count how many times they’ve thrown food at him.

“You’re too skinny. You need to eat more.”

“I already eat a lot. I’ve got a high metabolism.”

“Is that one of those social media sites?”

“Roman, if you don’t stop acting stupid—”

“Kidding! I have an Instagram after all. Which you should totally follow me, by the way.”

It’s like suddenly being adopted and Virgil is now the grandson to many old folk.

He’s not even surprised when someone tries to set him up with one of their grandchildren.

What does surprise him is that it’s Logan.

“You should meet my grandson, Remy. Judging from what I’ve observed of your personality, you two would be compatible.”

“Huh, that’s funny, Roman’s got a grandson named Remy too.”

“Yes, Remy is both our grandson.”

“Wait, what?”

“We used to be married, Roman and I. Didn’t you know he was my ex-husband?”

Somehow Virgil has missed that.

But he is so going to grill them for details, because Roman with Logan?

Roman jumps on board when Virgil brings it up.

“Yes! Remy! You would be perfect for him! I can’t believe I didn’t think of it first!”

Virgil laughs it off because they can’t be serious.

Of course, they’re very serious.

Virgil is doing his rounds when he walks into Roman’s room and a guy not too far off from his own age standing there in a leather jacket and shades.

“Oh, you are cute,” the guy says in a way that lets Virgil know that he’s clearly heard about Virgil before.

Roman is exceedingly proud.

Virgil officially meets Remy, the grandson.

It’s awkward.

By the end of it, Virgil apparently has a date after work that he swears he doesn’t remember agreeing to.

Remy’s waiting for him in the lobby.

“You ready for the night of your life, babe?”

“…”

“Wait, you’re walking the opposite direction. Come back.”

Virgil goes out to eat with Remy.

Remy actually apologizes for his grandfathers.

“They’re cool old gay dudes, but they can be really pushy. They’ve been complaining about me being single for like yeaaars. Um, maybe I like being single?”

“Do you?”

“Okay, a bitch is lonely, but gurl, I can find a man or whoever on my own, amirite?”

“Why’d you agree to this then?”

“’Cause you really are cute and seem cool. Plus can we just talk about your aesthetic for a sec? What products do you use on your hair? The purple dye is perf.”

It’s not really a date.

But Virgil might have made a friend out of it, at least.

Virgil finds himself talking about it the next day with Patton.

It just sort of happens.

“They set me up with their grandson.”

“Oh Remy? You’ve met him?”

“Yeah…”

“Well? How’d it go?”

“Uh … I’m not sure? Like, I’m pretty sure we established it wasn’t really a date. But I think we might …”

“Might what?”

“Be … friends?”

“That’s nice, Virgil,” Patton says in a way that Virgil can tell he means it.

Virgil shrugs. “Yeah, I don’t know what I’m gonna tell his granddads though. Their gonna jump on me as soon as they see me. God old people love to gossip more than teenagers.”

“Just try to let them down easy, okay? They really adore Remy and just want him to be happy.”

It’s the first conversation Virgil has with him that doesn’t make him nervous.

The days go by and Virgil is starting to feel like he’s really settling in.

He still doesn’t understand why the patients like him so much.

Not until Patton finally sheds some insight.

It’s a busy enough day, and then Remus has one of his episodes.

He’s screaming and the other staff members who are more experienced with dealing with him are trying to settle him down.

Virgil hears the commotion from down the hall and comes running into the day room where all the patients gather and visit or watch tv.

“He gets like this sometimes,” Logan tells him. Roman sits silently beside him holding his hand, lips pressed in a thin white line and eyes not looking away from the chaotic scene.

Remus is throwing things at the nurses, yelling something about how the lights are trying to eat him.

“It’s best to stay back, Virgil,” Logan tells him.

Virgil doesn’t listen.

He goes and turns off the lights.

There’s still enough sunlight filtering in through the windows, enough to see. But everyone looks around.

Virgil pushes through the other staff.

He nudges Patton aside who had been attempting to console him.

Patton wants to pull him back. Remus is in a vulnerable state of mind right now and it could be bad for either of them.

But Virgil leans in and starts talking in a low voice to Remus.

And … it’s working.

Remus’s screams taper off.

He doesn’t look any less confused or scared. Just subdued.

“I want to go,” he says, eyes looking through everyone there. “Want to go back to my room now. Want to go back.”

“Okay, we can go, Remus. Let’s go,” Virgil says and guides him out.

It’s a slow process, but they make it to his room, Patton hovering close the entire way.

They give Remus a mild sedative to help him relax.

When Virgil walks out of the room, Roman is standing there.

He doesn’t say anything to Virgil, but he claps a hand on his shoulder.

There’s gratitude glistening in his eyes.

Roman goes into the room.

Virgil leaves for the break room. He’s definitely earned a break.

Plus his hands are kind of shaking, but shhhhh, don’t tell anyone.

After a long time, Patton comes into the room.

He sits at the table with Virgil.

“He’ll be fine,” Patton assures him.

“I didn’t say I was worried for him.”

Patton smiles and shakes his head.

“They all love you, you know?” he surprises Virgil by saying. “The patients. You do a lot of good by them.”

Virgil shrugs. “I don’t see why. I’m just me. Just doing my job. Nothing special.”

“You treat them like people.”

Patton leans closer over the table. Virgil doesn’t look away.

“You listen to them. And you talk to them, like they’re people. And for them, these people who have lost a lot of their independence and are often left forgotten here by even their own families—that’s worth a lot.”

Virgil doesn’t know if he believes all that.

But it’s a nice thought.

#sanders sides #patton #patton sanders #virgil #virgil sanders #roman #roman sanders #logan #logan sanders #remus #remus sanders #remy #remy sanders #nursing home au

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noveltea-lolita · 3 years

Text

Tw-death, self harm, suicidal thoughts

My mom and I had this really long talk.

I’ve been filled with rage, the red emotion directed at her, at the world but mostly at myself. A zombie is what I’ve been for the most part, regressing back to the mess of a person I was a few years ago. Cutting, over caffeinated, never getting out of bed, showering once every two weeks, keeping my family at arm’s length. I hit an all time low last week when I realized I have 50MG anxiety meds in my room- a whole bottle filled with a nirvana I could finally reach. It was a passing thought, one that I dismissed, but it haunted me. Then when I was driving one day I nearly crashed my car on purpose. I was a danger unto myself. I wanted to die. I walked with a cloud over my head that whispered during the day and screamed during the night: you were the last person to see your grandmother alive, YOU should’ve noticed something was WRONG.

That grief was suffocating. It was everywhere in my house since November, but it seemed to hit its peak after Christmas. I became distant from my family and waited for them to ask me what was wrong, which is selfish and something I actually am bothered by when others expect the same from me. I wanted my mom to see how badly I was suffering and I think I will always hate myself for that. But today I exploded.

I was falling through a black abyss, my legs escaped from underneath me and I fell. Nausea consumed me and I could see nothing as I stumbled out the door and into the freezing night; the stars were distant, the moon a beacon of light. I dropped to my knees, heaving, sobbing, and gasping as I told her how sorry I was, that it was all my fault, everything. I had been twenty minutes away, I had been with her. My mom knelt beside me and gathered me in her arms, and rocked me. Crying herself, she broke with me, shattered as she gave me her own guilt and told me things I never knew.

“She called me after you left and she sounded so happy because she had been with you, and she isn’t supposed to have favorites but you so obviously were hers. You filled the hole in her heart that formed after my sister died.” It made me cry harder, honestly, but we talked and held each other beneath the endless sky with a forest at our backs and a field in front of us. I never realized how frail my mother was, how small and skinny she felt beneath my touch; her hands are so large and tough, but the rest of her is frail. It reminded me of my grandmother, and it made me realize how physically distant I am from everyone around me. But after we got the majority of our words out and my mom drew me back into her arms, I smiled.

I smiled against her shoulder because how long had it been since I allowed myself to be held in such a way? And then she whispered, so brokenly, so sadly, “My sister was taken from my mom, she didn’t want to go. Please don’t disappear, please.” And I realized how selfish I was being. How could I die after my mother lost her sister? Her mother? And then I thought of my brother, taller than me and just two years younger than me. He acts like he doesn’t need me, but I’m there to pick him up when he doesn’t have a car, I was the one who held him when we got the news about our grandmother, and I realized- yes. He still needs a big sister. My dad and the tentative relationship we’ve begun to build, my grandfather, my best friend, my cat; they all need me. To some degree, and I know they would be devastated if I died. Years ago I told a therapist I will live for the sake of my mother, but recently I’ve forgotten about that. Now I remember. I did not kill myself before because of her and I will continue not to for her. I will better myself, start doing proactive things for her. Even if we don’t always get along, even if I want to give up, I will keep myself alive for her.

There is a weight off of my shoulders now and I think, for the first time since November 2, I am going to sleep well. I heard a mourning dove earlier today too, and those birds have always reminded me of my grandmother. They woke me up every morning when I was a child and living with her, and she would always point them out with a gentle smile on her face. It was nice to hear it, to feel her in nature. I miss her, I miss her so much, but I should be lucky I got to spend 20 whole years with my grandmother, that I got to hear her stories and listen to her philosophies.

She taught me how to read, and color, and write; count, and sing, and dance. She was lovely- ignorant at times, and hated spending more than a dime, but boy was she lovely. A gorgeous German woman who lost her accent and her culture, who was so cold to strangers but so warm to her family. She loved music, grand orchestras and angelic choirs. Every time I stepped in the house, she was at her kitchen table, reading a massive book with round glasses on her face, and a smile on her face when she took me in. She was stylish, never left the house without heavy mascara and eyeliner and lipstick across her flawless face. She dyed her hair until the last moment, and even though she worked so hard on her beauty, she would brush off every compliment thrown her way. She was a second mother, someone who was there more often than my father. And you know, despite her age, I never saw her as fragile. She was strong. Refused a wheelchair, a cane and a walker, never asked for a helping hand, never wanted help. She lost a child, she was unhappy with her husband, but she never ever gave up. Until the end. And I miss her, I miss her so much it hurts to breathe some days, but I will never ever forget that strength, or those watery green eyes, or those unwavering hands that used to hold me in the air, or those glossed lips that kissed my cheeks, or that voice that never shook with age. The happiness that used to explode inside me whenever I saw her, and saw the joy on her face when she saw do something she found impressive.

The jokes we had, the memories we shared, they’re going to be with me until I die and instead of wishing for more, I am going cherish these. They’re going to stay inside of my heart, warm and bright and alive, until the end. I hope she’s happy, wherever she is, whether she’s in a different form or in another life, I hope she’s content this time around. And I really can’t wait to see her again.

#ahhhhh that’s a lot #I might delete this later?#SORRY FOR THIS #I’m just #okay?#for once?#I feel okay

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surveys-at-your-service · 3 years

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Survey #402

“there’s a space kept in hell with your name on the seat / with a spike in the chair just to make it complete”

Have you ever had any really infected injuries? Not an injury, per se, but I've had at least one ear piercing get infected during the healing process. Shit sucks ass. Are you popular on any websites? No. What was the last song you listened to? "Savior" by SWARM. Are you considered popular at school? I wasn't. If you could host your own talk show, would you do it? No. I've got nothing interesting to talk about. If you were starving would you eat food out of a garbage can? I honestly don't know if I could with how squeamish I am about sharing food, even with family. And we're talking about sharing food that's been in the TRASH. Do you know anyone who has changed their first name? I do. Which one of your senses would you be the most devastated to lose? I THINK hearing. I hate silence, so that would just be... haunting. I want to be able to hear people's voices and other sounds. Do you know anyone who has been on life support, and survived? I have no idea. Do your parents have a strong relationship together? God no. They're divorced for a reason. Have you ever read any of Charles Darwin’s works? No. If there was such a thing as a mental health first aid kit, what would you want to be in it? Some ice cream and a Mountain Dew bc I'm an emotional eater, my "graduation" pebble from my partial hospitalization program to remember how far I've come, some cold water to run over my face (or drink), my iPod for music and phone to watch YouTube, a nice, big blanket to turn into a burrito in... that kind of stuff. If you’re in a relationship, are you happy? And if you’re single, are you looking for someone? I'm not actively searching for anyone, no. What is something that people make fun of you for? Always being on the computer. It makes me EXTREMELY self-conscious, and I really wish people would keep their mouths shut about it. Which supermarket do you like to shop at? Wal-Mart. Have you ever been told that your boyfriend/girlfriend wasn’t good enough for you? In the past. Do you think it’s okay to flirt with someone that’s already taken, as long as it goes no further? Fuck no. Do you struggle to say ‘no’ to things you don’t want to do? YUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP. Someone attractive is staring at you. What do you do? Probably just kinda smile and blush and look down/away. Are you friends with someone a lot of people dislike? *shrug* Favorite photo search engine? Tumblr for gifs, Google or Pinterest for still images, depending on what I'm looking for. Do you doggie paddle or actually swim in a pool? I'll do both, I think? It's been too long since I've swum. Ever made a snow angel? Ye-ep. Would you ever take up smoking? No. I like having operational lungs. Do you laugh at racial jokes? No. Hate to break it to ya, but they're not funny. Book series you enjoyed reading recently? I've been loving Wings of Fire by Tui T. Sutherland, even if I'm reading very slowly. My psychiatrist has given me a new way to approach my hobbies I have difficulty engaging in, so I'm hoping if I keep it up, my rate of reading will speed up! Are there any keys on your keyboard that have letters fading away? Ahaha, yeah... "a," "s," and "d." A true gamer. How "w" is still alive, I couldn't tell ya. Favorite non-chocolate candy? Sour Punch Straws, probably. The red ones, in specific. Last person you texted? My mom. What did you learn from your first job? That I can't work with people. Favorite website from your childhood? I was a Webkinz A D D I C T. Least favorite flavor of food or drink? Cranberry came to mind very quickly. Least favorite pattern? uhhhhhhh Favorite potato food? Either French fries or Lays wavy potato chips. PC or console gaming? I grew up as a console gamer, so I'm kinda biased. Writing or drawing? Don't make me choose!! I get more satisfaction out of drawing something I'm proud of, but I do way more writing. Who would you put before everyone else? My mom, probably. Lamps, overhead lights, fairy lights, or sunlight? Fairy lights are so cute. How many phone numbers do you have memorized? I shit you not, none. What is your third favourite colour? Hm. Maybe rose gold, or lilac. Can you remember your first phone? If so, what kind was it? I'm really not sure, but I WANT to say it was one of those slide-y, compact Blueberry ones? Who is your favourite character from Alice in Wonderland? The Cheshire Cat has always been very alluring to me. What is the last thing you looked up online? The definition to a word just to ensure I was using it correctly. Have you ever had your fortune read? No. I ain't wasting time or money on that shit. Can you read tarot cards? If you couldn't guess from above, I have zero faith in this kinda stuff, so I don't care to learn. Do you prefer lemons or limes? Lemons. I like lime flavoring in some stuff, though. Are your expecting anything in the mail? No. What would you like to see out of your window everyday instead of what you see now? The forest. Do you own a camera? I do, a Canon EOS Rebel T6. Have you ever written a special note in a book? Yes. Early into our relationship, Jason lent me a book to read, and I wrote a lil love letter in it for him. Do you have any artistic talents? I mean I like to think I'm a good writer and a decent artist. Do you remember the last movie you saw while on a date? Yeah, IT with Girt. It was fun because he's a horror pansy, haha. He did fine, though. What would you do if you found out you were pregnant? Freak the fuck out because I haven't had sex in many years, so that thing's coming the fuck out 'cuz it obviously ain't natural. Favorite thing to get at McDonalds? Look man, I'm shameless, I love me a Quarter Pounder w/ cheese. Plus some fries. :x Do you know anyone named Alex? I know multiple people named Alex, actually. Whose house did you last sleep over at? Sara's. In other words, it's been a loooong time.Would you ever record yourself having sex? God no. Like zero judgment to the people that do, but I get NOTHING out of watching others "do it." I've never actually tried watching porn, but I couldn't have less interest. I know I'd hate it, and a lot. Did the vacuum scare you as a child? I don't think it did, anyway. Have you or would you ever use a dating app? One of my most embarrassing secrets is that I was briefly on Christian Mingle. It makes me want to cringe into fucking oblivion. Who are you most nervous about introducing potential significant others to? My dad. He's... a character. What was the most important non-academic thing you learned in high school? That time fucking flies, so cherish every millisecond. Do you and your friends ever talk about your sex lives? Not really. Even when I was sexually active, I was private about that stuff. I don't care if others talk to me about theirs, but odds are I'm not saying much about myself. What were the best and worst interviews you’ve ever had? What made them so good/bad? I've never had a bad interview, but I mean, I've only had I wanna say four in my whole life. None were anything special either, though. Ever put someone else in the hospital? No. Have you ever sold anything on eBay? If so, what? No. What is the best surprise you have ever had? Finding a container of puppy chow underneath the Christmas tree one year. It was my parents' way of telling me we were getting a dog (which I had been nagging them about FOREVER), and next came Teddy. <3 I miss my boy. Is someone in love with you? I wouldn't know. Ever kiss someone on the first date? No. Ever sleep with someone on the first date? That's a hard no. Do you wear cologne/perfume/aftershave regularly? No. Do you snore? No, actually. Pretty astonishing for someone with such severe sleep apnea. When is the last time someone else slept in your bed? When Sara last visited. How often do you dust? Not... nearly enough as I'm supposed to. Mom gets on me about it all the time. What is the most ‘extreme’ activity you have ever done? Ha, nothing wild, I assure you. I guess riding a four-wheeler through the woods once with our former neighbors, who were good friends of ours.. Have you ever rode on a mobility scooter/wheelchair just for fun? Um, no? That's a jackass thing to do. Some people actually need those. Who’s the most controlling person you know? OH MY FUCKING GOD. OUR FAMILY FRIEND TOBEY. EASILY. She seizes control of EVERY situation, even if she has no right to be involved in it. Does anyone keep a photo of you in their purse/wallet, and if so, who? Not to my knowledge. Do you own a microphone? No. Do you enjoy trailers at the cinema? I do! I like arriving in time to see them. Have you ever been burgled? No, thankfully. Have you ever entered anything into Urban Dictionary? If so, what? No. What’s the last live performance you watched on TV? No idea. Have you ever been embarrassed to buy something from a shop? Not to my recollection. It helps that I'm not the one buying things, like ever. What’s the name of one of your friends’ dogs? Buster! :') He's a precious lil bean. Name a pet you definitely wouldn’t want. A GIANT CENTIPEDE. That's one pet in the invert community that I have ZERO interest in EVER owning. Those bitches are scary. Have you ever needed to wear a tie? If so, when/why? Nope.

#survey #surveys #random questions #lyrics: ''fuck u'' by archive

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paganinpurple · 4 years

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Clowder - Ch 7

I have been on an honest to Gods year long writing block until recently. I was lucky enough to force out a couple of chapters for other fics around March and April before I got blocked again, but...yeah. Sorry.

I hope no one completely lost interest waiting for this. It's just been so hard to focus, or feel like I care and any brief bursts of interest were limited to a paragraph here or a phrase there before disappearing.

Buy Me A Coffee?

It Was You (comes before this fic)

Read on AO3 or FF.net <<Ch 1 <Ch 6 Ch 7 Ch 8> (not yet written)

Protective Best Friends

Slowly, Gabriel turned to face his son. “Adrien,” he said, his expression undecipherable, “Is there anything you need to tell me?”

The boy in question took an audible gulp, his throat too dry and scratchy to let him do anything less obvious.

“Yeah, um, there’s…a girl at school. If I had to go to a gala, I’d rather take her.”

“I see,” Gabriel said as he intertwined his fingers above the table in front of him, leaning forward to regard his son over them, “And is this a girl you like, or are you already seeing her?”

“She’s…my girlfriend.”

“And how long have you two been dating?”

Adrien glanced awkwardly at his father’s assistant. Ideally, he’d tell his father that they’d been together for a week, just as they’d told Alya and Nino and the others at school, but Nathalie knew things and he could almost see her disappointment already if he lied in front of her. “Six months,” he said instead.

The shock on Gabriel’s face was apparent to even those usually most oblivious to facial expressions. His features quickly returned to their usual air of disappointment and indifference however and Adrien’s stomach turned. “Why have I not known about this until now?”

“I…” Looking to Nathalie for help, he took strength from the slight nod she gave him to continue, “I wasn’t sure you’d let me date her. I was frightened you’d make me stop.”

He watched as his father arched an eyebrow. “Who is she?”

“What?”

“If you’re frightened, I assume there is something about her I wouldn’t approve of. So, who is she?”

“It’s Marinette. Dupain-Cheng. You met her before, she designed the hat I wore, the one Audrey Bourgeois wanted to take to New York last year?”

“Ah,” Gabriel said, a slight smirk appearing on his face, “Yes, I’ve met her. More than once.”

“You have?”

“Yes. She showed up here after I tried to remove you from school last year for losing my book. She was overly concerned about you being punished for her mistake.”

Adrien’s brow furrowed and he blinked in confusion. How had that been Marinette’s fault? He glanced back and forth between his father and Nathalie in confusion, hoping an explanation was forthcoming.

“She seemed to think it was some kind of modelling scrapbook of your shoots,” Nathalie eventually clarified when Adrien remained silent, “She said that she hadn’t planned to hold onto it, she was just unsure how to get it back without you realising.”

“It was very brave of her to admit that to me,” Gabriel said, returning to his food with an air of disinterest that Adrien found hard to believe, “Considering that she wants to work in fashion one day and I could have made that very difficult for her. I take it that bravery extended to finally telling you about her feelings? Although, I admit I didn’t think you saw her as anything more than one of your friends.”

Adrien gave a flinch at the reminder of his earlier foolishness. “Yeah, well…I was an idiot. I turned her down, then I realised I liked her.”

“Well then, you were lucky she hadn’t moved on. Are her parents aware of your relationship?”

“They are.”

“Very well. I expect you to remain conscious of your public image throughout your time together. Be sure there’s nothing she might use against you in case of an unpleasant break-up.”

Adrien suppressed a snort of laughter, knowing his father would not approve. As if Marinette would ever be the kind of person to try and hold something over someone just because things didn’t work out. Not to mention he absolutely doubted he would ever let his Lady go now. Not if he could do anything to help it.

“You may laugh,” his father responded, having spotted his attempts to restrain himself, “but sometimes it only takes one bad situation for two people to act differently and upset their usual dynamic.”

The smile creeping it’s way across Gabriel’s face seemed out of place to Adrien who, for the life of him, couldn’t work out why that thought would make his father so happy.

***

As soon as he closed the car door behind him, Adrien could tell something was going on at school. He was no stranger to the fact that practically every kid at his school owned a phone and they all went through phases where they seemed to be glued to their screens. Today however, there didn’t seem to be a single person not looking at theirs and whispering gossip to one another in scandalised tones.

“Adrien!” a familiar voice shouted from off to the side of the courtyard and Adrien looked up with a smile at his best friend as he came running over. The close Nino got, the more Adrien could tell he was alarmed about something. He had that wide-eyed look he got whenever he realised he had worded something badly to Alya and she was now pissed at him.

The boy reached him finally, instantly grabbing him by the wrist and tugging him towards the large accessible bathroom in the far corner; the one that most students never used because if their wheelchair-bound vice principal ever caught them it just wasn’t worth the lecture they would get.

The second they were inside, Nino flipped the lock behind them before turning to his startled best friend.

“Have you seen the news today?” he asked without preamble.

“What?”

Not his most eloquent moment, Adrien realised, but honestly he was pretty confused about what was going on. Why was Nino dragging him off like there was a life or death situation? And if it was, then why was he so concerned about the news?

“The news, dude. Have you seen it? The biggest story to hit the city since the first arrival of the heroes?”

“Uh…no?”

Nino swore loud enough that Adrien flinched and glanced at the door, worried in case anyone had heard. It was school grounds after all, and being caught swearing was worth far more than the lecture they would get for being in this bathroom.

He watched as the other teen took out his phone and quickly opened and navigated a browser tab, bringing up a huge image and headline. He handed the device to Adrien who finally had a chance to clearly take in the picture and text for himself. His eyes immediately widened to engulf his face and his jaw slackened as a gasp snuck past his lips.

“Oh, shit!”

***

“What do you mean, it involves me?” Marinette asked as she rubbed the sleep from one of her eyes. Her mind was still groggy and she desperately wanted to go back to sleep, or at least grab a cup of coffee and a pastry from the kitchen before she attempted to make heads or tails of the conversation.

“M, go look at the headlines quickly for a sec, then we’ll talk,” Alya said, a worrying hint of panic in her tone.

“Oookay,” the sleep-deprived girl answered with a yawn, pulling the phone away from her face to navigate to a news app she sometimes used to check for akuma updates when there were issues with the Ladyblog.

The top headlines opened and Marinette had already read the first one and begun freaking out when the accompanying thumbnail finished loading. She tapped it quickly and began to scan the story, becoming increasingly more terrified the further she read.

Jamming the receiver back against her ear, she started to word vomit at her best friend. “Someone overheard Ladybug and Chat talking last night and now everyone knows they’re just kids,” she gasped, “And poly kids too. What if he reads this and thinks it’s too much hassle to deal with? What if he breaks up with me? “Oh mon Dieu, what if everyone stops trusting Ladybug and Chat Noir to protect them from Hawkmoth? What if Hawkmoth uses this against them? Oh no, this is such a disaster!”

She broke off with a squeak as the suddenness of the new information overwhelmed her. Alya was saying something in her ear but she couldn’t hear any of it; she only registered a mumble of sounds in the distance as if she were behind a sheet of thick glass.

The article managed to cover everything the two of them had spoken about last night. The teasing, the references to having more than one partner, mentioning being teenagers with school the next day – all of it. And…all of the sexual innuendo that had been thrown around, as well as the more serious side of their sleepover conversation. It would be mortifying if it wasn’t so dangerous to their identities and public image.

“Marinette! Mar! Are you still there?!” Alya’s voice suddenly broke through her haze and, no longer groggy, Marinette realised she must have gone silent for some time.

“I’m…I’m here,” she said, “Just freaking a bit. What were you saying?”

“Uh, it doesn’t really matter now. It was stupid of me to start asking you stuff when you’re so off the deep end. How you holding up?”

“Not great,” she admitted, “Wait. What kind of things were you asking?”

“Uh…” Alya was quiet for a second and the hesitation told Marinette it wasn’t going to be anything fun to answer. “Look, I know you and Chat are both dating two people. But Ladybug…she apparently mentioned a second boyfriend. Did you, uh, know about that?”

She didn’t have to own up to that if she didn’t want to, but Marinette had a feeling Alya wouldn’t buy it. She was already juggling so many lies surrounding Adrien’s identity and her own that she was going to get mixed up sooner or later, and judging by the way her heart was beating wildly out of control in her chest, it was going to be the former.

“Yes,” she said with a difficult gulp, “After Chat brought up the poly thing with her, she was apparently excited because it meant that…this other boy she was interested in wasn’t completely off the table after all.”

It wasn’t exactly a lie, it was more of a stretched truth. She knew for a fact that if things in her love life had actually gone down the way she had told Alya, then she would have been ecstatic at the opportunity to date both Chat and Adrien guilt free. Well maybe. If they really had been two different boys, she would have still had the guilt of knowing she was leading Chat to believe he was dating two different girls when he was only dating one. But if she had been single, and Chat had approached her as Ladybug after she had developed feelings for him in order to ask if she’d be okay with him dating her and a civilian girl he had fallen for? Well then, the discomfort of holding two boys in her heart at once would have dissolved away with his suggestion that she could also date other people at the same time.

A groan could be heard emanating from the other end of the phone.

“Marinette,” Alya practically whined, “why didn’t you say something earlier?”

“Why would I have?” she answered defensively. It wasn’t really any of Alya’s business who Chat’s other partner was. Technically it wouldn’t have even been Marinette’s business, beyond whatever rules her and Chat had set up within their relationships to ensure everyone was on the same page.

“Well, I could have been subtly diverting attention or putting out more feelers on the Ladyblog to see how people feel about people having multiple boyfriends or girlfriends all this time! As it is, I’ve barely started laying groundwork for that, and it’s all from the guys side of things because I thought Chat was the only superhero who was a Vee! [1]”

“A what?”

“Never mind, I’ll explain later. Look – I just mean I could have been helping make things like this seem like…not such a big deal if I’d known there was a chance of this happening. So far I’ve only been focusing on how to help Chat Noir out of any awkward situations with the public. A lot of those ideas focused on me pointing out that Ladybug was vouching for him in some way, but that doesn’t work if people are also judging her.”

“Oh.” Marinette’s face heated in shame at assuming the worst of her best friend, even after she had gone to previous extremes to prove she wasn’t going to throw their friendship under the bus for a scoop.

“Shit,” Alya said suddenly, “I’ve got to move if I still want to make it to school on time. We can catch up on this more once we’re there.”

“Uh…”

“You are going to school, right? Only, I don’t want any suspicious people trying to make any connections between girls who stay home from school on the day the news breaks and that it would be upsetting for Chat Noir’s girlfriend to see it this morning.”

Marinette scrunched up her face into a frown. The last thing she wanted to do was face everyone when they were talking about her love life around her and judging her without even realising it. But Alya was right. There would probably be a million people watching for which kids didn’t show up to school today.

Besides, she really needed to speak to Adrien too. Had he seen this yet? It seemed unlikely as Adrien usually avoided most news sites in case they were spreading gossip about him or his father. He only used a handful of well tested akuma alert systems and the Ladyblog, and even then he didn’t look at that constantly. No, Adrien usually got most of his news from hearing about it second-hand and then looking into more himself on what topics interested him. He would most likely hear about this once he was in school, at which point he’d lose his chance to duck out of the building if he wanted to speak to her.

“I’ll be there,” she said quickly, glancing at the time with a flinch, “Though I think I’m gonna be late at this point.” Alya laughed.

“At least one thing’s still the same,” she said.

Buy Me A Coffee?

1Vee: A vee relationship is made up of three partners and gets its name from the letter “V,” in which one person acts as the "Vee," “hinge” or “pivot” partner dating two people. The other two people are not romantically or sexually involved with each other. These two people are known as “metamours” to one another (metamours are two people who are dating the same person, but are not actively dating each other). Metamours in a vee relationship may not know one another, may be vague acquaintances, or may be very good friends. In some cases, metamours may even live with one another, with or without their partner. A vee relationship can be "closed" where all three agree not to date anyone else, or "open" where they agree they can see other people outside of the vee. As such, a person can be a vee in one relationship and a metamour in another at the same time.

#PIP writes #miraculous ladybug #ML fic #Clowder #Love Square #It Was You Sequel

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quackeroos · 4 years

Text

ONE WEEK || Day Two

Pairing: tom holland x dying ex!reader

Summary: you were dying, and tom still loves you. now he plans on loving you ‘til your last breath, and maybe get you to say those three words back to him.

Warnings: swearing, angst

Words: 3.4k

General Masterlist | Series Masterlist

MONDAY. TIME CHECK: currently 3 am. Tom was sitting on the couch next to y/n's bed. She was already sleeping, the television left open with the remote in hand. Tom had been with her all throughout the day, and he was thankful that she had let him stay. But of course, Y/n had still been distant. She would occasionally ask for things like food, her phone, water or call for Jamie. Y/n's little sister was already passed out on the couch at the other side of the room. Her head laying on a pillow with a textbook in her lap, glasses on and notes open. It was obvious Jamie was dead serious about her studies. But despite y/n giving him the cold shoulder, he didn't mind. After all, he was only here just to help with y/n getting better.

Lies.

Deep inside, there was a part of him that wanted to build the relationship they had when they were sixteen. Where nothing but romance and laughs filled the air they were in. But now, everything turned upside down. Tom sighed and stood up from his chair, making his way towards the cupboards to eat a midnight snack. He passes by Jamie, who was still sleeping on the couch, mouth slightly agape. Tom walked to her laptop and shuts off the device. He pulled the blanket over her, making sure she was warm and comfortable. Tom took out a cup of instant noodles and decided to have it, since it was the only food available.

He heated up a cup of water and waited for it to boil. Over the past few hours, Tom had learned that y/n has been admitted in the hospital since Wednesday, and that she had a daily routine whenever she stayed in the hospital. In the morning, she would read a book while eating her breakfast, in the afternoon, she would go to the hospital garden using her wheelchair and would stay until the sun sets. Sometimes, she would even stay until the stars were out, according to Jamie. But given her condition, she needed rest, which was the only thing she had been doing for the past four days.

In the middle of her routines, doctors and nurses came to check in on her, give her medicine and her food diet. During the time her lunch came, y/n had been picky, because hospital food didn't sit well with her. Tom knew what she would've liked, a big serving of lasagna, a plate of buffalo wings, and a glass of beer. She had a big appetite, most specially for sweets, and if she could have it her way, she would've liked to have at least one day to do it.

Tom took a seat on his usual chair, bringing a foldable table along with him to put his snacks on. He took out his phone to look at his notifications. 5 messages and 2 calls from Haz, 2 messages from Tuwaine, and 3 messages from Sam and Harry. Apparently, they were supposed to be going out yesterday, and the boys had been asking about his whereabouts. He hasn't replied to any of them since he left his phone off while taking care of y/n, until today.

***

Y/n woke up early as usual, at exactly 8:30 am, her eyes would open to a quiet morning. But today was an exception, because she heard whispers and shushes from a couple of people in the room. At first, she thought it was Tom and Jamie, that was until she sat up, only to see three boys standing around her bed. "Good morning y/n!" they greeted, making her flinch at the sudden number of visitors. She honestly did not expect them to visit her, nor did she know how the three men knew she was here. Her eyebrows were furrowed in confusion and disbelief before saying, "What in the world are you idiots doing here?"

"Tom told us that he was busy taking care of something. He didn't tell us that it was someone." Harry wiggled his eyebrows, a goofy grin plastered on his face.

"It's good to see you, y/n." Haz spoke up from the side of her bed. He was holding a balloon that said, 'Get Well Soon!', while Tuwaine and Sam were holding a bouquet of sunflowers and a box of Krispy Kreme donuts. "You Divs! I've missed all of you! C'mere!" Leaning in towards her small figure, the boys tried not to squish her in between the hug. It really has been so long since they've last seen each other in person. They would sometimes see each other's posts on social media and text each other from time to time, but they never saw each other the day after Tom and y/n had cut ties.

It was a touching moment, most specially for Y/n, because seeing the boys made her happy in the most depressing room she's in. "How long have you been here huh? You look like shit!" Sam said putting down the bouquet on the chair beside her bed. "Thank you for the unnecessary comment, dickhead. I was here since Wednesday, and the hospital's been treating me like a baby. Wouldn't give me even a bite of anything sweet."

"Well, you're in luck, darling. Coz we bought Donuts!"

"She's not eating those." A voice called from the door.

Tom had just arrived, wearing a hoodie and sweatpants. He was carrying two bags; one was his backpack and the other was a paper bag of food for him and Jamie when she gets back. "Y/n, you're not allowed to eat anything high in sugar, remember?" He puts down his backpack on the sofa and the paper bag on the countertop table. He turned towards the four boys. "And didn't I tell you guys not to come by without me here?"

"Jeez, you could've thanked us, you know. We looked out for y/n while you were gone. Where were you anyway?" Haz asked.

"Went back to the apartment to get a few things." He pointed to his backpack. "I'm staying here for a few days."

"You're what?" They asked, looking at him then back at y/n for confirmation. She sighed and nodded. "Jamie has exams coming up, so she asked him to look out for me while she was busy. Mum and Dad were out on a business trip, and hopefully, they'll be back tonight."

"So, if you're parents are coming home..." Harry trailed off. "Then shouldn't you be staying here until tonight only?" he pointed towards Tom, who was busy tidying things up. He was oddly quiet and didn't answer his brother's question. So, y/n was left to answer it. "It's kind of complicated. I'll tell you when I have the time. So, how about those donuts, yeah?"

"Oh no, you will not be having those. You are on a strict diet, so stick with it." Tom had taken the box of donuts from Tuwaine's hands before they even got to y/n's grasp. "Mate, eat this else somewhere, please. Or else she wouldn't be able to help herself."

"I can eat whatever I want, Tom. So just stop pretending to be my dad for once and let me have a little freedom." Y/n had snapped. "Tuwaine, gimme some of those."

"C'mon y/n. Why do you have to be so stubborn? You gotta sacrifice these if you still wanna live."

"Well, I'm dying anyway! I might as well die happy rather than letting you and this fucking hospital treat me like shit!"

The boys' eyes went wide, not expecting for her to snap. Tom had let out a stressed sigh. tired because he slept at around 4 am and woke up at 6 to head to his apartment and get the things for his stay, and tired for dealing with y/n's stubbornness. It's only been a day, he thought, what more could the other days bring in the future?

"I'm gonna get some fresh air. I'll be back in a few." He said looking at his watch before grabbing his wallet. "Guys, look after her for me. Okay?" and before the boys could talk back and protest, he was out and gone. Their stare lingered on the door, sympathetically. Before a few moments of silence, Haz spoke first, clearing out the awkward tension in the air. "You know, y/n, you shouldn't be too hard on him. Tom really is trying his best."

Y/n diverts her eyes away from the blonde and stared towards the window. “You’re just saying that because you’re his friend."

"I'm telling you this because BOTH of you are my friends." He held her hand and smiled encouragingly. "Don't be too hard on him. Okay? He only wants you to live a little longer. All of us do. So don't say your goodbyes just yet."

***

Tom got back at around ten in the morning. His hair a little messy and tousled. He just came back from a long walk around the hospital, trying to clear his mind out. He wondered what y/n thought of his sudden walk out. Did she think he was angry? But he wasn't angry, he could never be angry at her, not at a time like this. A sigh escapes from his lips.

During his little time out, he thought of possible ways to keep y/n from thinking about dying, or if anything, her being gone from the face of the earth.

He planned on ways to keep her happy and away from any negative thoughts, he searched on his phone for possible cures for Friedreich's Ataxia, any possible ways that could keep her breathing was all he could think of for the past hours he's been here. Because, no matter how much pain y/n had brought upon him, all he wanted was for her to be back. The lively, amazing, and unbelievably glutinous Y/n that he knew and loved. And to live for as long as she could.

Once he had closed the door, he heard laughs. And it was no doubt that it came from y/n and the four boys. They were laughing at an episode from Brooklyn 99, a favorite of y/n's, with the boys sitting at both sides of her bed.

They only noticed Tom when he sat at his usual chair, with his script for an upcoming movie in hand, his reading glasses on. Harrison took notice of his arrival. "You're back. You've been gone for a while." Tom had looked up shortly before grunting in reply, not in the mood to talk as he was busy memorizing his lines. Haz nudged y/n's arm and nodded towards Tom's direction, giving her the 'go-do-what-you-have-to-do' look telling her so. The other boys also had them, and they mouthed her to 'go talk to him'.

Words got caught up in her throat. It took y/n a few moments to gather up the courage and call out his name. "Tom?"

He looked up from his script, looking at y/n as he sets down the bundle of pages of paper. "Can you take me to the garden? I really need to get some fresh air." Tom looked at the whiteboard with the medication and meal schedules written in black marker. He looked at his watch before replying, "It's almost time for your lunch. Are you sure you want to go now?" Without a second thought, she nodded and smiled a tight lipped one.

Tom stood up from his chair and took out her wheelchair, parking it at the side of her bed. He carried her like a bride, only she was wearing a green hospital cotton gown, instead of an extravagant white one with intricate designs decorating it. Finally placing her on the chair, he pushed her towards the door and led her to the rooftop garden.

She breathed in the fresh air of freshly watered grass and flowers when the two of them arrived. It was morning so the air was slightly dewy. Y/n pulled her jacket tighter to give the warmth she needed and smiled as the rays of the sun hits her face, along with a cool breeze.

The rooftop garden was perfect. Flowers and grass covered the area along with a few potted plants. Benches scattered in each designated place, a fountain was placed in the middle of it and a brick road guided the path.

Tom picked the bench that was across the fountain and where the sun could be seen when it rises. He picked her up again and gently placed her on the bench, sitting at the other end to give her enough space to be comfortable. To pass the time, he decided to memorize his lines and let y/n be with herself and the nature around her.

Y/n looked at Tom as his eyes scan every letter of the script. The glasses he was wearing stood on the bridge of his nose and was slightly slipping, making him push it back every now and then. "Haz said you were working on a new movie. Is that why you're reading your script for the time being?" She spoke. Her sudden question made Tom pause for a little before he replied with a light, "Yeah." And goes back to reading.

"Care to tell me more about it?"

"It's actually a book adaptation. It's a story about two teens overcoming something that they call a 'Noise-germ' and searching for a cure while running from bad guys." He tore his eyes away from her and proceeded in memorizing.

"It's a good book actually, you'll probably like it."

"Maybe you could give me a copy. I just finished a book last night and I have nothing else better to read anyway."

He responds with, "Sure." and closed the topic in an instant. Y/n bit the inside of her cheek, feeling the guilt get to her. Now she felt bad for how she treated him yesterday, today, and how she ended things with him out in the blue. There was a reason behind it all, of course. She still loved him, that will never change. But there's fear behind her love for Tom. She breathed out to release the uneasy feeling inside of her before speaking.

"Tom, I'm sorry."

He froze hearing those words, it caught his attention. He puts down the papers and turned his head towards her. She continued speaking. "I'm sorry for pushing you away, and for what happened three years ago." Her head bowed; eyes glued to her lap as if there was something interesting about it. "There's a reason why I did those things to you. And I'm sorry that I ended everything between us without a proper explanation. It was the only way to keep you from getting hurt even more if you found out."

Tom was silent for a moment. He didn't expect her to say those, he expected for her to push him away even more, like how she had done three years ago and yesterday. This was something refreshing for Tom. He directed his body towards her, his right leg resting on the bench.

"I'll admit, three years ago, you breaking up with me out of the blue? Really shocked me, and it hurt me more than ever. But then I realize..." He sat closer to her, setting down his script on the bench. "The thought of you, gone from this world, without telling you how much I love you? That's my worst fear yet, and that'll hurt me more than you ever know." He held her pale hands, they were cold and soft, slightly thin than they were before.

"I know you're scared of leaving behind the things you love. But pushing them away won't solve anything. I'm glad you let me stay and take care of you. Because, honestly, keeping you alive is all that matters to me right now." He leaned in his head, landing it on top of hers. They were so close, y/n could already feel his breath hitting the little hairs of her upper lip.

She missed having this though. Having him near her, feeling safe and protected, and not having to think about death, like when they were still sixteen. She couldn't remember the last time they were this close to each other.

Tom began again, "So please," as he held her hand in his and locked his eyes with hers. He whispered the next few words. It was a bit inaudible, but it was enough for y/n to hear. "Stay alive. If not for me, then do it for Jamie, your parents, Harrison, Tuwaine and the twins." Y/n could feel her cheeks heat up, tears welling up as he continued.

"I love you Y/n Kingsleigh, so damn much. Don't say your goodbyes just yet. Because I'm not ready to hear that from you again."

***

The trip back to y/n's hospital room was quiet, but it was the 'comfortable-kind' of quiet. Y/n fiddled with the hem of her jacket on the way back. The pair passed by different faces of doctors and nurses, rushing about as they briskly walk through the busy hall, nodding as their eyes meet. "Tom?" She called, he responded with a hum. "Have you ever wondered what our future would be like if I didn't have this?"

"Hmmm... I prefer the word 'planned' actually." he answered back, still pushing the wheelchair.

"Why is that?"

"You'll see, love. Soon." Tom turns the knob and pulled the door open, pushing her in and closing the door behind him. One they were inside they noticed that the room was crowded and is very quiet.

The boys were sitting on the couch, Jamie was standing, listening closely, and there stood in front of her was their parents, both still in coats with their luggage tucked away. Y/n and Tom heard their hushed voices as y/n's parents and her doctor converse of what seems a very serious matter. Out of instinct, y/n held Tom's hand tightly, fear washed over her and she knew what the three were talking about. Feeling the need of comfort, he knew what he had to do. Tom rubbed his thumb over her hand and held it tightly.

"I know that this is a lot to take in, Mr. and Mrs. Kingsleigh. The procedure is risky, but there is an 80% chance she might survive if we do the surgery. I'll give you time to think about it. But it'll be best if we do it within the week to help her control the symptoms. The earlier we do it, the longer she can live." the doctor excused himself as he exits the room.

Everyone wore saddened expressions as the news dawned on them. Y/n's mother broke down in tears as she embraces her husband for support. Jamie lets out a heavy sigh as her eyes wells with tears. It was still unbelievable for them to accept the sudden news, and it pained everyone in the room, most specially for the two. Y/n had to undergo surgery, a risky one at that. And there was a high chance for her to die while on it.

"Mum. Dad." y/n called out, her voice so soft almost as a whisper. They turned their heads towards her and wiped the remaining tears. "Sweet Pea, you're here... And with Tom?" their attention diverted from hers to the man beside her. "Uhm yeah... me and Tom just went out for some fresh air." She gave him a grateful glance, smiling as she does. Tom returns one too before pushing her wheelchair towards her bed and laying her gently on the cushioned bed. Once y/n felt the soft mattress hit her back, she lets out a relaxed sigh.

As she opens her eyes, the sight of worried parents and gloomy friends greeted her, bringing her back to the thoughts she didn't want to talk about just yet. "You heard it, haven't you? From the door?" Her mother asked. Y/n looks away and hums in response. "There's nothing else we can do, huh?"

"Doc. Allen said it'd be best if we do the surgery this week, Hun. You're getting worse, and it'll damage you even more."

She lets out another sigh, and looked up at the ceiling, "I'll take whatever chance I can get. Alright then."

Shocked by her sudden submission, her parents walked towards her bed, hugging her both as thanks and comfort. Tom watched the family in each other's arms. He caught Mrs. Kingsleigh's eyes and she mouthed a 'Thank You'. He wasn't sure what it was for, but he acknowledged it.

Maybe it was for taking care of her while they were gone. Or maybe, it was for putting up with her stubborn attitude. But one thing's for sure.

Y/n was not giving up.

And neither was Tom.

day three of One Week

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lovemesomesurveys · 3 years

Text

If you were a witch, which animal would be your familiar? I don’t what a familiar is or anything about witchcraft.

If there's a design on your shirt, what is it? I literally just described it in the previous survey I did, but it has Ralphie from A Christmas Story on it with a bar of soap in his mouth and says, “Oh, fudge”, which is a quote from the movie.

If it was possible to colonize any planet and you were the leader, which planet would you choose? I really wouldn’t want to be the leader of anything. I’m not fit for that.

Is there a piece of technology that you just can't live without? I mean, I’m pretty attached to my laptop and phone, but of course if for some reason I couldn’t have them I would survive, but it’d be really quite boring. I don’t have much to do.

Would you ever visit a ghost town? That would be interesting.

What's the last thing you ordered from the last fast food place you went to? Loaded potato wedges and 3 egg rolls from Jack in the Box.

Which natural disaster scares you the most? They all sound terrifying. I’ve never experienced one. What're your religious beliefs and why do you follow them? I’m a Christian. I believe in God and that Jesus died for our sins and is our Savior.

What do you think happens after you die? I believe in heaven and hell.

What would you do if you found out your life was only a simulation controlled by someone else? That’s scary. I’ve had thoughts like that, though. Like a Truman Show scenario or that one day I’ll wake up and find out my whole life has been a dream.

What's the scariest thing you've accidentally found on the internet? Ugh, I HATED when jump scare things would go around. Like, people would disguise as a link for something else and then you click it and it’s some ugly, creepy looking girl screaming really loud. OH, and there was that one with the car that was driving down some winding road and you’re watching and waiting to see what the video is about and then bam! something pops up on the scream and scares you. Ughhh. Not cool. I’m such a jumpy person as it is already.

Is there anything bothering you right now? The usual stuff as always.

Thinking of every Halloween costume you've had, which one was the most creative? I never had a really creative one. They were pretty simple.

What song are you currently listening to and what song was the last you listened to? I’m not listening to music.

What's the picture on your calendar for this month? I don’t have a calendar for this year at the moment.

If you were a mythical creature, which would you be? A fairy.

If you were an animal, which would you be? A dog.

Were you ever bullied when you were younger and how did you handle it? I wasn’t, fortunately. It was something my parents worried about when I was in elementary school because I’m in a wheelchair, but honestly I never had any issues with anyone. The only bullying I receive is from myself on a regular basis.

What do you remember most from being five years old? I have some vague, bits and pieces of memories from kindergarten.

What do you remember most from being ten years old? I have some memories from 4th grade. My favorite teacher ever was my 4th grade teacher (who later ended up teaching 8th grade and I had him again) and I remember funny stuff he did and like how he read out loud to us books such as Matilda and he would the voices and made it fun for us. He also used to sing, and I remember one time he led all of us in a rendition of “I Want It That Way” by The Backstreet Boys lol. He was so cool. Oh, and he was known for doing “the robot” dance and miming.

What do you remember most from being fifteen years old? Stuff from high school.

What does the last person you found attractive look like? Alexander Skarsgard is 6′4, has blonde hair, blue eyes, is very fit and in shape, and Swedish. He’s absolutely gorgeous.

Have you ever thrown something away and then wanted it back? Yes. I hold onto a lot of stuff that will sit in a box somewhere forever, but then if I get rid of something I’ll suddenly wish I still had it or have a need for it again.

What's one random city you want to visit? Seattle.

If you owned a store, what would you most likely sell? Books. It would have a cafe, too.

If you had a garden, what sort of plants would you grow? I don’t know, man. I have zero interest in gardening.

What's your favorite phase of the moon? I don’t have one.

What're your plans for today? I’ll attend my church’s livestream and then do the normal things I do everyday.

What's the song for your life right now? I don’t know.

Do you believe that when you die, you get to see all your loved ones again? Yes.

Who would you be the most excited to see? My grandparents.

Have you lost or almost lost someone close to you to death this year? Not so far... I don’t want to think about that.

Did you lose any of your friends this year and if so, how? I don’t have any friends to lose.

Have you experienced anything new this year and if so, what? Not so far, but we’re only in January.

Do you enjoy reading National Geographic magazines? I’ve only read a few.

Would you rather read the book or watch the movie? I love to read and I’m down to check out the movie.

Do you know anyone who's serving in the military right now? No.

Does or did either of your parents serve in the military? Nope.

Has anything in your house ever caught on fire? No.

Have you ever hugged a stranger you thought was someone else? No. Omg, that would be super embarrassing. I’ve waved to someone I thought was someone else, but never went so far as to hug someone I thought was someone else. As a small child, did you ever feel as if you were different or weird? No, not really.

If you could instantly know any language in the world, what would it be? I’d like to be fluent in Spanish.

This year, how many times have you been to the doctor? So far just once. I go once a month and we’re only in January.

Do you have a library card and if so, do you use it often? Nope. I haven’t had a library card since I was in high school.

Do you like romcoms and if you do, which one is your favorite? Yeah, I’m a sucker for the romcoms. I have several favorites.

Thinking of your ex and the person you love, are they similar in any way at all? I don’t have a significant other or someone I’m interested in at the moment.

Is there something you currently want and/or need that you can’t have? Yes.

Thinking back to six weeks ago, were you happier then or are you happier now and why? Neither then or now.

Who's the first male you can think of whose name begins with "T" and what can you tell me about him? Thomas, my maternal grandpa. He sadly passed away 10 years ago. Both of my maternal grandparents passed away. I was very close with both of them and losing them was very hard for me. I miss them both every single day. My grandpa was an amazing man. He was the best husband, father, and grandpa. He was hardworking. He provided well for his family. He was loving. He was so funny. He told the best stories. He was known for being a talker haha, he could go on and on for hours, but everyone always wanted to hear what he had to say. And sometimes he’d go off on tangents, but the stories always came for circle. He was just an incredible man, well loved and missed by many.

Can you say "happy birthday" in another language? Yeah, “Feliz cumpleaños.”

What subjects do you or did you get the worst grades in? Math was always my worst subject, I barely scraped by with Cs.

Should you be concentrating on something else instead of this survey? Nah. This is my nighttime routine.

Have you ever told someone that you loved them and they rejected you? I didn’t tell them I loved them, but I expressed my feelings for them and was rejected. Twice.

Do you know anyone else that's happened to? Yeah.

Is there anything you want to say to someone, but you can’t or won’t? Not at this time. What're your reasons for not saying it? --

Who's someone in the music industry you think is overrated? Taylor Swift. Don’t for me, Swifties.

Who's the eleventh contact in your phone and when did you last see or speak to that person? I’m not checking.

What’s your mother’s middle name? I’m not sharing that.

When was the last time you ate cake and what type of cake was it? I had some red velvet cake a few days ago.

Have you ever been told you were too good or not good enough for someone you loved? I had friends who said I was too good for Joseph. I wasn’t good enough, though.

Why do you think someone would say that to you? They didn’t like how he treated me and thought he was too immature.

If the last person you kissed said you were the only one they wanted, would you believe them? That was 8 years ago, I don’t see him ever saying that now...

Who was your first crush, how do you feel about that person now and do you still talk to them? My first crush was this kid Philip when I was in 3rd grade lol it was just some little crush, I was 9. He didn’t even know me.

Who was the last person that apologized to you and what was it for? I don’t recall.

So how're things going with the person you love? There’s no such person.

Are you "in love" with the last person you kissed? No. I moved on years ago.

Do you have photos to go with all of the contacts in your phone? I haven’t added a photo for any of my contacts.

Who was the last person to comment on one of your photos on Facebook and how did you meet that person? I think it was my Nana.

How many of your friends are sexually active?

To finish, is there anything you would like to say to someone? Sigh.

Do you think surveys are annoying? They can be sometimes, but I really do enjoy doing them. Clearly.

What career paths are you considering? I don’t know. :/

Do you watch music videos? I haven’t in a long time.

Have you ever clicked on those banner ads that promise a prize for clicking? No. I definitely don’t miss popup ads.

What kind of computer are you using? Macbook Air.

What kind of computer do you wish you were using? I’m happy with this one.

Have you ever had a weight change so drastic you went to the doctor? I didn’t see a doctor for it specifically, but yeah it was concerning. It’s still a problem I’m struggling with.

How cold does it have to be before you put on a sweater? In the 60s F, I’d say.

Do you eat things off the floor? Never.

Who do people say you look like? My mom.

Do you usually get your homework done on time? I’m done with school, but yeah I always got my homework done on time. I may have been a major procrastinator, but my work always got done.

Have you ever framed your old movie ticket stubs? Not framed, but kept.

Do you have a digital camera? Nope.

Have you ever stuck something inappropriate in an electrical outlet? No. I’m afraid to plug in things that meant to go in there as it is.

What do you have anything scheduled for the 16th of this or next month? We’re past the 16th now, but no I didn’t have anything going on that day and I don’t have anything planned for that day next month either.

Can you sleep without any pillows? No. I can’t sleep flat, I have to be propped up.

Is there a color you refuse to wear? I don’t like to wear white.

Has anyone ever pulled a gun on you? No, but I am a victim of random gun violence.

Are there any chairs in your bedroom? My chair. There’s an ottoman that could also be a chair as well.

How many pairs of shoes do you have? Like 6 or 7.

How much was the last item of clothing you bought? My total was $40 for 2 shirts, but I ordered online so there’s additional fees.

Where's your father right now? He’s in his room asleep.

Do you skip breakfast often? Yeah.

How many days has it been since your last birthday? My birthday was 6 months ago.

Do you want any more siblings than you have now? Nah, at 31 years old I can’t imagine having another sibling.

Would you make a good president or prime minister? Nope. I have no desire to be one.

Are you going out of the country soon and if so, where to? No. I don’t have any travel plans and who knows when I will at this point. :(

Do you ever feel like you want to get away from everything? Yeppp.

Do you need a haircut? I could use a trim.

When was the last time you went on a trampoline? Never.

Were you alone today? I’m alone right now in my room cause everyone else is asleep, but they’re here in the house. My dad is off today and will be home all day. My mom and brother have work, but they’ll be home at some point.

Who was the last person you saw today? The day isn’t over yet, it’s only 4:51AM, but I’m willing to bet my brother will be the last person I see cause he and I stay up late.

#personal #text #survey #surveys

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tinybluedots · 3 years

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to my baby in heaven

Aida,

I remember the day I discovered you like it was yesterday. I had taken a test a couple days before and it came back negative. But I couldn’t shake the intuitive feeling. I remember coming back into my bedroom as I waited for the test. I set it upside down so I couldn’t watch it, and tried focusing on the TV; I was watching The Office. Interestingly enough, it was an episode where Pam is pregnant. In the background, Andy said, “it’s like a little magical foot just high-fived me!”

When I finally flipped it over, after what seemed like an eternity, the black word stood out bold and true: pregnant. I went into shock, I think. My heart jumped in my chest. I couldn’t believe it. Me, a mother? I remember I jumped out of bed, pacing for a few minutes as the reality started to wash over me. Huh. Who would’ve thought? Instantly, I wondered how Nick would take it. What if he was angry? Would he leave? Would he hate me if he stayed? I felt sick to my stomach.

I grabbed my phone with shaking hands and walked outside to my car. The first person I called was my sister. I still have screenshots of her reaction (and the reactions of my other family members as well). She was really happy and, as bewildered as I was, so was I.

When I decided to tell Nick, it was a couple of days before his birthday. I remember thinking, “what a birthday gift.” You certainly were a surprise. He came into my room and sat down in my desk chair. I’d told him I needed to talk to him about something, so I’m sure he already knew. I felt really nervous; I could barely look him in the eyes. I played with my fingers and I felt so nervous I could hardly breathe. As the words came out, I remember how still his face was. He was so calm. He took a breath and said, “okay. So what’s next?” He didn’t even flinch. I wonder if he was in shock too. Somehow, I felt so much calmer in his presence. I felt safe and relieved.

That same week, our unit told him he was going to deploy again, even as he’d just gotten back home a couple of months before. I can only imagine how stressed he was. We were making plans and preparing things so that we’d be all set up when you came. He would’ve been deployed the majority of the pregnancy and for your birth, so I felt really overwhelmed too. Even going through the Army paperwork and all of the appointments, I started to feel very alone. He grew pretty distant, and we didn’t really communicate well.

But we were excited. We talked about all the different things we wanted to do with you. We talked about finger-painting with you, and how we’d play games with you. We wanted at least one night a week to be family night. We wondered if you would be a boy or a girl. We wondered who you would be, what kinds of things you’d like. I made countless boards on Pinterest looking for nursery room ideas. My mom bought me the classic ‘What to Expect When You’re Expecting’ and took me to the baby store in town. We walked around and she got excited; she shared stories of when we were little and what tips and tricks helped her. I felt blown away at how tiny the onesies were. I couldn’t wait to start wearing maternity shirts and having the professional photo shoot when I was bigger. I researched the best prenatal vitamins and the best oils and lotions to prevent stretch marks. I changed my diet. I talked to others in the unit who knew I was pregnant and they offered to give me baby gear they didn’t use anymore.

Nick and I talked about what to name you and how we would raise you. I was thrilled. Honestly, I’d been making a lot of poor choices and if it wasn’t for you, who knows what would’ve happened. You changed everything for me. I felt connected with you instantly. I would figure everything out so you could have an even better life than mine. I would do whatever I had to do to keep you safe and loved.

I would touch my hand to my belly at night and talk to you. I wondered what interests you would have. I felt amazed. You were alive in me. God had sent me a real life angel to hold and cherish. The heavens had given me a treasure greater than anything I could ever accomplish. I wanted to name you Aida. It’s Arabic for “gift,” and Jewish for “joy.”

But one day, after work, my body started to hurt. I started bleeding and Nick drove me to the hospital. We were so scared. But they did an ultrasound and I got to see your tiny heart racing on the monitor. I knew you were small but it really hit me then. I felt so amazed. How could there be so much life in someone so preciously tiny? Nick and I called you ‘peanut,’ you were so small. The tech said she wasn’t supposed to, but she gave me some ultrasound pictures of you anyways. I still keep those on my desk in my room. So everything was okay, we thought.

And then the same thing happened a couple of weeks later, right before my first real prenatal visit. It was late at night and I was in even more pain. I drove myself to the hospital. They ran so many tests, I was in the ER for hours. I think I already knew, too. The nurse came in and said they were waiting for someone from the OB department to come talk to me. I definitely knew then, though I hoped it wasn’t so. And when she did come in, before she even said a word, the nurse came in behind her and set down a box of tissues on the bed with me.

As she started to explain that you were gone, that they couldn’t find your heartbeat and what steps I could take, I feel like I flew away. I cried but I wasn’t fully there. I went through the motions. They discharged me at 2am and it was raining. I remember I couldn’t even feel my legs carrying me to my car. I was sobbing like a child; I didn’t even care who saw me. I could barely even see the road through my tears, and the rain made me wonder if Heaven was crying with me.

My mom came up to see me and I curled up next to her on the bed like I was five years old again. I tucked my face into her shoulder and sobbed.

I was in denial, too. I couldn’t really believe what was happening. I refused to get the surgery done. Maybe you were still in there. Maybe the doctors were wrong. Nick didn’t know how to handle it either, and we parted ways for some time. I had a playlist I’d made for you that I kept on repeat.

And the day I finally got the D&C, I feel a piece of me died. I still remember vividly how they prepared me for surgery. I remember watching through lifeless eyes as the overhead lights passed when they wheeled me to the OR. I remember waking up and feeling as though I had awoken to a nightmare. I could hardly move as they put me in a wheelchair and pushed me outside to meet my escort. The bright and sunny day seemed to tease me. I felt so broken, like a shell of a person being wheeled around. They didn’t perform the surgery correctly the first time, either, so I went back for the second time two nights later while hemorrhaging. I remember being in so much pain that I couldn’t change myself; the nurse had to do it for me. I laid in bed and sobbed as I waited for a slot in the OR to open. It felt as if there were claws digging into fresh wounds, draining me even further. My mom talked to me on the phone and she said, “I’ve never heard you so defeated, Kace.” It was true. I felt hopeless for the first time in my life. Nothing before had been able to break me, but this certainly had.

I felt like a zombie in a haze. You were really gone, then. My arms wouldn’t hold you. I wouldn’t look into your eyes. I wouldn’t get to watch you grow. There would be no first steps, first words, first days of school, first boyfriend or girlfriend, first car. No graduations, no wedding.

As suddenly as you were here, you had gone. An entire future was over after a single hospital visit. You took with you a piece of my soul.

Before we lost you, I had a dream of you. An extremely vivid and spiritual dream. You were in my arms. You had dark brown hair and chocolate eyes like your daddy. You had on a pink onesie and a pink hairbow and you were smiling up at me with your hands held out. You laughed and so did I. I didn’t know it then but I think that was us saying goodbye.

You will always remain in my heart, and I know as I write this that you hear me. I pray that one day I will get to meet you and hold you the way I’ve always dreamed of. Until then, I will work everyday to become someone you would be proud of. I carry you everyday, my precious child. I love you and miss you dearly.

Love,

Your Mama.

#loss #grief #grieving #miscarriage #coping with loss #trauma #healing

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you-and-i-for-forever · 4 years

Text

10 Things I Hate About You AU Chapter 11

Fandom: Be More Chill, Dear Evan Hansen

Word count: 6.5k

Feel free the read this on my ao3 instead!

Evan tried to force himself to feel confident as he walked down the stairs. He had been able to keep his anxiety at bay so far, but there was no telling when it might overtake him.

He swallowed heavily behind the tie he had taken eight minutes to successfully put on. Evan quickly grabbed a small container out of the fridge and made his way to the front door.

Mr. Heere was sitting on the couch, legs propped up on the coffee table, reading a book about parenting.

“I’m going to the dance. I’ll be home later.” Evan said, looking out the window to see Michael was parked in on the road, waiting for him.

“That’s funny Evan,” Mr. Heere said, who didn’t look up from his book.

Evan let out a quick, breathy laugh as he closed the front door.

It was kinda was funny.

Jeremy ran his fingers through his hair again, making sure it was perfect before racing downstairs. He smiled at his dad made his way to the front door where his ride of Brooke, Chloe, and Jake were waiting.

“What is that?” His dad asked, getting up from the couch and gesturing at him.

“A…suit?” Jeremy answered confused by the confusion.

“Stop. Explain.” His dad said, crossing over to him.

“Okay. Remember how you said I could date if Evan dated? Well, he somehow found this guy and they’re dating now. Which kind of really works out for me because I was asked to the dance. And since Evan went, I guess I’m allowed to go too.” Jeremy said with a smile and a shrug before opening the door and waving to his dad.

“This is not good.” Jeremy heard his dad sigh under his breath before he closed the door completely.

When they got to the school, Michael and Evan found Rich right away, standing outside and away from the crowds of people filling in through the doors.

Once they were out of the car, Evan watched Michael bounce over to Rich and fist bump each other and laugh. Evan smiled, happy that Michael was going to have a good time tonight, regardless of Jeremy.

“Hey.” A voice said from behind him. Evan jumped and turned around.

Connor looked so…amazing. He was wearing a black suit with a long black ribbon where a tie should be. His suit jacket was textured, almost velvety, with little detailing instead of buttons. His hair looked slightly styled and pushed behind one ear. He was so tall and lanky and absolutely, devastatingly beautiful.

Evan wanted to tell him so.

“Connor you look…I-I-I-mean-I mean you really look, just…you look...” Evan stumbled and stammered before coming up with “wow.”

Connor’s face grew a little red but he smiled, “You too…Nice tie.”

Both of them let out nervous laughs. Evan was just wearing a blue suit with black lining and Connor’s tie, nothing special. Nothing like how Connor looked.

“Oh here. I got this for you.” Connor said and pulled a bundle of flowers out of his pocket. Cedar leaves and small purplish-blueish flowers. Evan thought they might be forget-me-nots.

“We didn’t really say if we were gonna do these but I thought it could be cool.” Connor moved forward and skillfully pinned the boutonniere to Evan’s lapel.

Evan pulled his hands from behind his back to reveal his boutonniere for Connor in a plastic container. It had been sitting in his fridge for the past few hours. Evan fumbled with opening the lid but was finally able to pull out the arrangement of half blooming red roses. A small heart dangled from a chain on the end of the pin and Evan saw Connor raised his eyebrows at it.

“You might not wear your heart on your sleeve, but…” Evan let out a small laugh, and the air between them seemed to say, “but you can wear mine.”

Connor’s gaze trailed up from the pin to Evan’s eyes. Evan was surprised to see Connor’s face as red as the roses. He put his hands on either side of Evan’s face and pulled him in for a deep kiss. Evan made a noise in surprise but kissed back, pleased to know that he could make Connor look as flustered as he made Evan feel all the time.

“Hey! Come on you guys!” Michael called and Rich snickered.

The two of them broke apart and Evan gave an acknowledging wave to Michael before finally pinning the flowers to Connor’s lapel. Connor reached up and touched the heart charm delicately.

“Let’s go,” Connor said and grabbed for Evan’s hand but paused. He scrunched up his face in confusion, “Wait a minute.”

Connor pulled Evan’s hand up to inspect it. Evan had messily painted his nails black, with the help of a YouTube tutorial, to match Connor’s.

“Oh, I thought we could match,” Evan said.

They smiled at each other and giggled, Connor brought his hand closer to kiss it.

“You’re a good boyfriend,” Connor said against his hand.

“Boy-boyfriend?” Evan stuttered out.

Connor squeezed his hand and nodded, “Well yeah, I wouldn’t just do all this with just anyone. Come on, let’s go inside.” He walked with Evan over to where Michael and Rich were waiting.

As soon as they entered the building, Michael tried to pull Evan and Connor onto the dance floor. The pair uncomfortably laughed him off and said they wanted to go and get something to eat first. They wandered off and ate some cookies and drank punch and sat at one of the decorated cafeteria tables.

Evan, not exactly sure of his end goal, kept shying closer and closer to Connor. Eventually, Connor put his hand on Evan’s waist and pulled him close. They watched their classmates jump around and dance to a bunch of pop music Evan had heard once or twice on the radio.

Evan saw Michael dancing around with Rich. Well, it was more flailing. After a while, Jared appeared out of nowhere joined them. Evan watched Michael point Jared towards him. Jared jogged over and rested his hands on the table.

“Hey Connor, love the jacket,” Jared said in a voice that was between teasing and genuine.

Evan watched Connor stare Jared down before giving a cautious, “Thanks.”

“No problem,” Jared grinned like the Cheshire cat and leaned forward, “Say, you wouldn’t mind if I danced with Evan for a bit, would you?”

Jared reached his hand out to Evan. Evan felt Connor’s grip on his waist tighten.

“I’ll come with you,” Connor said and stood up, Evan following his lead.

Jared smirked, “Come on then!”

Evan and Connor followed Jared over to the group.

“Hey, finally!” Michael cried, out of breath as he continued to spring up and down.

“Told you I could get them out here.” Jared laughed.

Evan glanced over at Connor and was surprised to see his head bobbing to the music. Connor glanced over at his with a small smile before starting to rock on his heels in time with the music. He looked so genuinely happy and young. When Connor was upset it looked like he was much older to Evan. But right now he looked like any other 17 year old in the room, having fun and starting to dance a little.

Evan started to bop up and down, so embarrassed to be doing this where anyone could see, but willing to do anything at this point to keep the smile on Connor’s face.

After a bit, he and Connor were both jumping up and down with the rest of their group and singing loudly to songs that all sounded the same. He and Connor held hands the entire time.

Jeremy, Jake, Chloe, and Brooke finally arrived at the dance after sitting in front of the school in Brooke’s mom’s minivan for 20 minutes.

“It’s called fashionably late,” Chloe had said, rolling her eyes and applying more pink lipstick.

Jeremy and Chloe hadn’t spoken about what happened that night at the party and, honestly, Jeremy wasn’t sure he ever wanted to. Jake didn’t know it had happened and Jeremy didn’t want to bring it up now. Or ever, maybe. It didn’t sit well with him, but for now, it was better than causing a fuss.

As promised, Jake was wearing a purple suit, lined with gold trim and he did look good in it. He had painted the white casts on his legs purple to match and decided that this was the perfect night to dump the wheelchair and totter around on crutches.

Jeremy had his arms wrapped around Jake’s waist as they slowly made their way into the school, wary of the snow that was just starting to fall.

Chloe and Brooke immediately left Jeremy and Jake once they got inside.

“Probably going off to find their dates,” Jake said, smiling down at Jeremy.

Jeremy smiled back at him then looked out to the sea of dancers.

Michael caught his eye immediately.

He was jumping up and down, hair flying all over the place.

Jeremy felt the corner of his mouth pull up, almost completely forgetting everything bad that had happened between them lately. As soon as he saw who Michael was dancing with, Jeremy’s mood immediately took a nosedive.

Jared.

And Rich, for some weird reason.

But he was here with Jared. Of course, he was here with Jared. Who else would it be? They were always together and it was so obvious they liked each other so it really wasn’t that surprising.

Jeremy swallowed around a lump in his throat.

He completely missed how Jake was staring at the same group, how his eyes lingered on Rich.

“Let’s get some punch.” They both said and made their way towards the food table, both quietly trying to ignore their sadness.

The DJ continued with the steady flow of fast-paced songs before she finally reached for the mic and announced, “All right party people, it’s time to slow things down a bit, so grab a partner if you have one, and if not, this is a great time to go rehydrate and chat up that cutie you’ve been eyeing all night.”

Evan’s group of friends all stopped dancing around and Michael and Rich partnered off with each other. Connor pulled Evan close to him, looking warily at Jared, the only person without someone in the group.

“Don’t worry, lover boy.” Jared smiled and cocked his head toward the snack table, “I’ve already got someone else in mind.”

Jared disappeared and Evan turned to face Connor.

“I’ve never slow danced before,” Evan said, a hand instinctively coming up to pick at a cast what wasn’t there anymore.

“Me either.” Connor said and grabbed both of Evan’s arms and wrapped them around his waist then placed his hands on Evan’s shoulders, “But I’ve seen movies.”

Evan leaned forward and kissed Connor before nestling his head on his chest. Their feet shuffled along the floor and they just sort of swayed together. It was probably stupid…but Evan felt so safe when Connor had his hands on him.

As a second slow song started, Evan heard Rich and Michael gasp.

“What would I do without your smart mouth? Drawing me in, and you kicking me out” Rich and Michael started to sing.

They sang fairly quiet for the most part, but as soon as the chorus hit, their voices became very loud and very obnoxious.

“'Cause aaaaaaaaall of me! Loves aaaaaaaall of you! Love your curves and all your edges! All your perfect imperfections!” They shout-sang.

Evan opened his eyes and saw that most other couples were moving away from the two, glaring. He laughed a little, but Connor huffed and started dancing them away from them as well.

“They’re having a good time.” Evan hummed.

“They can go have a good time somewhere else, I don’t want them ruining our night.” Connor murmured into his ear.

Evan pulled back so look into Connor’s blue and brown eyes, “Nothing could ruin this night for me.”

Connor’s face broke into a goofy grin then roughly pulled Evan into a kiss. Evan giggled as Connor trailed kisses up to his forehead. They started swaying again.

“There’s nowhere else I’d rather be,” Connor whispered.

“Me too,” Evan breathed, feeling like all the wind was knocked out of him.

Connor leaned down and they kissed again. They were in their own little world, dancing closely together.

This night was not going as Jake had planned. He had wanted to dance and have fun and make out with Jeremy.

They had tried to dance, but Jake’s legs kept giving out from under him and his arms were tired from holding himself up.

They had tried to have fun, they went into the photo booth and watched Mr. Reyes perform some magic tricks and talked to a bunch of people, but Jake just wasn’t feeling it at all.

They hadn’t even tried to make out yet. Sure, Jeremy’s hands were all over him, but Jake knew that was to make sure he didn’t fall over.

None of this was right.

Now, he and Jeremy were sitting at a white-clothed table, Jeremy picking at some food on his plate and Jake watching Rich.

Why was he with those other guys? Since when was he friends with them? He recognized Jeremy’s brother and the weird guy he was paying, and he knew the other two were familiar, but he couldn’t really place them.

Rich was smiling and laughing and genuinely looked like he was having a good time. Rich never acted like that when he wasn’t with Jake.

Jake couldn’t help but hyper fixate on Rich’s face. A large red burn ran from his left cheek, down his neck, and disappeared under the collar of the shirt he was wearing.

He felt like an idiot. Rich was his best friend, what the hell was he doing here without him? What the hell was he doing anywhere without him?

Jake stood up suddenly, causing Jeremy to Jake.

“Jake? You okay?” Jeremy asked.

Jake didn’t answer, just stood staring ahead at Rich before coming to his senses and sitting back down.

What would he even say to him?

“Hey, sorry for not doing or saying anything while you were in the hospital for weeks?”

“You were smoking hot even before you caught on fire?”

“I don’t want to be with him, I want to be with you?”

The last one bounced around his head for a long time.

Jake flinched when he felt a gentle hand touch his arm. He looked over at Jeremy.

“You should go talk to him,” Jeremy said with a small smile.

Jake looked between him and Rich. Usually, at times like these, Jake would start talking a mile a minute trying to explain himself.

“I’m sorry.” Was all that came out.

“I think we both need to sort some things out,” Jeremy said with a kind smile.

Jake smiled back at him, “Yeah.”

Jake leaned over and kissed Jeremy’s cheek before grabbing his crutches and standing up. He took a few shaky steps before looking back at Jeremy.

“Thanks. I’ll never forget you.” Jake said.

Jeremy scrunched his eyebrows together, “We’re breaking up, not dying. And we’ll still go to school together.”

“Right,” Jake said with a huge smile and a laugh before making his way over to Rich.

Rich spun around when he collided with someone behind him. He was about ready to cuss them out for hitting a particular patch of sensitive skin on the back of his bicep when he realized who it was.

“Hey, can we talk?” Jake asked, towering over him.

Rich couldn’t even make eye contact with him, he just nodded.

Rich staggered down the hallway. Jake was heavy. Rich tried not to jostle his legs too much, but he was so tall. Rich felt like he was so hunched over, his face was practically parallel with his ribcage, skin sensitive.

“Rich, stop, I can walk,” Jake said, Rich rolled his eyes at him.

“Yeah, barely.” Rich huffed out.

It was a long walk down a hallway from the cafeteria to the nurse’s office. He grunted and readjusted Jake on his back. Rich was really out of shape from having to not move too much with the burns.

Jake moved his arm that was dangling around Rich’s neck and Rich gritted his teeth to not let out a pained breath.

“Seriously man, I wanna talk,” Jake said.

“We’ll talk when you can get around without falling over,” Rich said between gritted teeth, “you almost fell over like seven times just walking away from the dance floor.”

Jake had kept stumbling and staggering every few feet when they walked off together so Rich stood in front of him and told him to hop on. Jake had tried to sidestep him but had slipped and basically fallen onto Rich. He had dropped the crutches and held onto Rich when he started moving and now, they were here, almost to the nurse’s office.

Carrying Jake was like carrying a huge dead body, a dead body wearing a purple suit and two heavy leg casts.

Jake helped Rich open the main office door and the nurse’s door when they got to it.

Once they were in, Rich practically dropped Jake down on the small, plastic bed that sat in the corner.

“How do you even know there’s a wheelchair in here?” Jake asked.

“I’m in here most days to put stuff on my burns. Saw this in here randomly” Rich said, opening the closet and pulling out the infamous wheelchair.

“Here.” Rich brought it over to Jake.

“Thanks,” Jake said with a smile.

Rich braced himself for the pain and grabbed Jake behind the knees and around the back. Rich’s skin burned and itched and pulled but he bit the inside of his mouth to not let Jake know. He lifted him, shuffled over to the wheelchair, and gently set Jake in it.

“So…what did you want to talk about?” Rich asked after kneeling to help Jake’s feet find the footrests.

Jake reached up and rubbed the side of his face.

“I wanted to say…I’m sorry about…lots of stuff. I kinda got all wrapped up in Jeremy and stupid bullshit and it took me coming to the dance with some other guy to make me realize that.”

Rich felt his heart soften.

“It’s cool.” He said.

“No dude! It’s not! I wasn’t myself, we stopped hanging out, I didn’t even come see you in the hospital!”

“It’s cool,” Rich said again.

“Bro! No, it’s not! Stop saying that! You’re my boy and I was such a dick to you, that’s not cool!” Jake grabbed Rich’s hand and pulled him close, “I’m sorry Rich.”

Rich felt his heart flutter at his hand being held.

“I’m sorry too.” Rich said after a deep sigh, “I was annoyed you were hanging out with some rando. You’re, like, my only friend and I guess I got jealous or something.”

“Okay, I’m definitely not your only friend, that’s stupid.”

“No dude, you’re my only friend…and my first friend.”

“What?” Jake asked.

“Until we started talking last year, I wasn’t friends with anyone here.”

“Didn’t you have friends at your other school?”

“What other school?” Rich asked.

Did Jake mean middle school?

“Like before you transferred here?” Jake said, Rich tilted his head confused.

“I’ve been here since freshman year; I didn’t transfer from anywhere.”

“Wait, what? You went here then? How the hell didn’t I know?” Jake said.

Rich felt his face heat up and pulled his hand away. He walked over to a cupboard and pulled out his burn cream. He started rubbing his arms down with his to distract himself from having to look at Jake.

Fucking embarrassing.

“I was here, you probably just didn’t remember me. I was a lot different then. Like, I was just super lame and dressed like a fucking bitch. And I didn’t talk to anyone and I had this god-awful lisp and, you know, thank god you don’t remember me like that.”

It was silent for a moment then Jake rolled up to Rich and held out his hand. Rich sighed and handed the cream over to Jake. Jake lightly started smoothing the ointment over Rich’s collarbone.

Rich closed his eyes and blew air out through his nose.

“I remember you. I thought you were so fucking cool. There was just something about you.”

Rich swallowed hard when Jake’s fingers moved up to the side of his neck.

“I just wanted to be your friend so bad, dude. You were just cool so fucking effortlessly and I just wanted to be around you so I changed so I could have a chance.”

Rich opened his eyes and Jake was looking down at his hands, getting more ointment. He put his hand on the back on Rich’s neck and rubbed in the cream.

Rich’s face heated up as he thought about what to say next. He was telling Jake the truth, might as well be the whole truth.

“And I also sorta had…a crush on you.”

Jake jerked Rich forward with the hand on the back of his neck and brought their lips together.

Rich instantly threw himself backward, almost off the chair.

“What the fuck was that?” He asked, practically sputtering.

Rich couldn’t think. His mind was completely blank. His heartbeat was in his ears.

“Dude,” Jake said with a side smile, “the whole time I was with Jeremy, all I could ever think about was you.”

Rich just sat there with his mouth parted and his eyes bugging out of his head.

“What?”

“I like you too!” Jake said, throwing his arms out towards him for emphasis.

Rich blinked a few times, “What?”

“Rich, I have a crush on you too!” Jake said

Rich sat there, processing for a moment.

“Oh.” He finally came up with.

Before he even realized what he was doing, Rich pretty much leaped on to Jake.

Their mouths collided painfully and they almost tipped backward over in the wheelchair and the burns on Rich’s legs hurt but, fuck, they were kissing.

Rich’s hands scrambling between Jake’s neck, face, and hair, touching everything he could. Jake still had ointment on his hands so he sat there with his arms spread out on either side of him, kissing Rich back.

Jake’s teeth caught Rich’s lips between his teeth and Rich immediately pulled away in pain.

“Careful, dude! My face is burnt!” Rich said, using one hand to shield his sensitive mouth.

Jake’s hands came up and started rubbing the rest of the cream on Rich’s face. Rich’s shoulders relaxed and Jake started kissing him gently.

“Better?” Jake asked after a few minutes.

“Yeah,” Rich said with a sigh.

“Nice,” Jake said, a large smile spreading across his face.

“Soooo…You had a lisp?” Jake said after a moment of silence.

Rich rolled his eyes.

“Yeth!” Rich said, letting his long-forgotten lisp come back.

Jake threw his head back and let out a good-natured laugh.

Rich let himself laugh too.

“Come on, let’s get back to the dance,” Rich said and got off Jake’s lap to push the wheelchair

“Let’s see how fast this baby can go!” Jake said, slapping the side of the wheelchair once they got out into the hallway.

Rich started running and they took off down the hallway, zooming quickly back to the dance. Large smiles plastered on both of their faces.

Jeremy watched Jake hobble over to Rich and the two of them walked for together. Michael was left alone on the edge of the dance floor. Jeremy saw him give Rich a thumbs up then scratch his head and look around. Michael had never been good with crowds or being by himself in crowded places.

Jeremy wasn’t sure what he should do though. He and Michael had been fighting so much, does Michael even want to talk to him? The last time they spoke Michael had said he never wanted to see him again.

Michael looked over at him and his chest tightened. Jeremy looked away to fiddle with his hair and smooth down his suit jacket.

When he looked back, Michael was standing right in front of him. Jeremy jumped a little in surprise.

Michael was scratching the back on his head awkwardly and Jeremy fiddled with his fingers.

They both started talking at the same time

“I-”

“Jer-”

They laughed nervously and Michael gestured for Jeremy to go first.

“I’m sorry, I’ve been such a shitty friend…shitty person. I didn’t even…I didn’t even like Jake. I just wanted to be popular. You’re my best friend and I’m just really, really sorry. And oh my god the party! What was I thinking? I was hanging out with Jake and you could have died! I’m such an idiot.” Jeremy said, not able to meet Michael’s eyes.

“It’s cool, dude,” Michael said and Jeremy chanced a glance up at him. He was smiling so Jeremy let out the breath he was holding.

Michael clicked his tongue, “Come one let’s go sit down, my feet hurt from dancing.”

Jeremy followed Michael over to one of the tables and sat down next to him.

“Won’t Jared miss you?” Jeremy asked, trying not to sound jealous or annoyed or hopeful.

“Jared? I was dancing with Rich,” Michael said confusion coloring his face.

“Yeah, but…you came here with Jared, right?” Jeremy said.

“No dude, Rich’s my date…well was.” Michael said with a laugh.

“But I thought you liked Jared,” Jeremy said.

Michael looked at him with an incredulous look on his face, “What?”

“Don’t you like Jared? You guys are hanging out all the time and stuff and it seems a lot different than when you and I hang out so I just thought...” Jeremy said

Michael started out chuckling at Jeremy but soon started roaring with laughter. People stared at the pair as they passed by. Jeremy blushed, feeling stupid that he had guessed so wrong about Michael’s interest.

“What? It’s not that outrageous!” Jeremy said, defending his beliefs.

Michael howled with laughter and he wiped away tears from his eyes. Michael pointed over to the direction of the dance floor and Jeremy’s gaze followed its direction. He saw Jared dancing up on a girl from the musical theater department. The girl seemed to like it.

“Jared’s straight?!” Jeremy cried.

Michael laughed had died down enough that he could answer, “Jared’s bi, but he likes that girl, Christine.”

Jeremy raised his eyebrows in surprise.

“Jeremy…I actually have to tell you something…like really important.” Michael said

“Okay,” Jeremy said, feeling nervous all over again, not really knowing what Michael needed to say.

Jeremy scooted closer to him as people started to fill in the table, no longer scared off by Michael’s loud laughter.

“So…when you told me that whole rule about dating thing, Jared and I actually came up with this plan to get someone to date Evan so we told Jake to pay Connor to date Evan so Jake could take you out,” Michael said in all one breath

“Oh,” Jeremy said, nodding.

…Wait, what?

“Wait, what?” Jeremy asked

Michael nervously tugged at his suit cuffs in lieu of his red sweatshirt sleeves.

“Jake paid someone to take Evan out and so we told him to pay Connor cuz he needs money or weed or crack or something and–“

“Why?” Jeremy asked

“Cuz I don’t like Jared, Jeremy…I like you.” Michael said, “Jared was helping me out, that’s why we were hanging out so much, we were trying to figure out this whole stupid plan.”

Oh.

Jeremy felt his face, back, and hands tingle and get sweaty. He could feel like face getting red and itchy from a blush and he swallowed the lump in his throat.

Michael liked him? Mikey M, the coolest guy Jeremy knew, liked him? Best friend from preschool liked him? A loser like him? An asshole like him?

Jeremy swallowed again and reached out a shaky hand, Michael watching him like a hawk the whole time. He slowly set it down on Michael’s own. Michael moved his hand and for half a second, Jeremy was afraid he was going to pull his hand away. But Michael turned his hand over and laced their fingers together.

Jeremy put on a self-conscious smile, cheeks sore from the blush continuing to grow on his face.

“You set up a whole plot, just to date me?” Jeremy asked

“Well, yeah,” Michael said

“And even though I was a complete tool…you still might like me?” Jeremy asked, trying not to sound vulnerable.

“Yeah,” Michael said

Jeremy felt pinpricks go up his arms and neck.

“I like you too.” Came tumbling out of Jeremy’s mouth.

“Really?” Michael said, giving Jeremy a look filled with so much hope and fear.

Jeremy watched tears start to pool in Michael’s eyes and he nodded. Michael let go of Jeremy’s hand and pulled him into a tight hug. Jeremy hugged him back and felt Michael practically vibrating.

“Jeremy, do you want to go out with me?” Michael asked, voice thick.

“Yeah,” Jeremy said, squeezing Michael tighter.

They broke apart after a few more minutes and snuggled together on the bench. One of Michael’s arms was around Jeremy’s shoulders and Jeremy held his other hand in between his own sweaty ones. Michael didn’t seem to care though.

“I can’t believe you did all that just to date my lame ass.” Jeremy laughed and rested his temple on Michael’s cheek.

“I’d do anything to date your lame ass,” Michael said and squeezed Jeremy’s shoulder.

Jeremy hummed and leaned up to place a quick peck right next to Michael’s mouth.

Evan and Connor had lost their group, but they didn’t mind. They went back to dancing around like idiots once the music started pumping out pop songs again.

Connor spun Evan around and kept doing little dance moves that reminded Evan of a swing style. How Connor knew any sort of dancing was beyond Evan, but that was the best part about Connor, learning every little part of him.

The song ended and Evan wiped sweat from his brow as Connor ran his hand through his hair.

“Punch?” Evan asked.

Connor nodded and offered Evan his arm. Evan curled his arms around Connor’s bicep and they made their way over to the punch bowl.

They filled their cups then walked over to a wall that was unoccupied to lean against it as they drank. Evan sipped his drink and watched the other people keep dancing.

“Smokey Point,” Connor said just loud enough that Evan could hear him over the music.

“What?” Evan asked as he turned to look up at him.

“That’s where I was last year. I wasn’t in juvie, I don’t know Marilyn Manson, and I didn’t sleep with someone from Fall Out Boy. I…at the beginning of last year…” Connor’s voice trailed off.

Evan squeezed his arm and pulled him down a more closed off hallway, “You can tell me if you want, but you don’t have to.”

Connor nodded and took a few ragged breaths. Evan saw tears shining in his eyes.

“I tried to kill myself.” Connor’s voice broke a little. Evan felt his stomach drop and his throat tighten.

“I spent the year in a psychiatric and behavioral mental hospital in Smokey Point…also some time in rehab. Prescription pills were my way in and out. You know, when I saw your meds on the bathroom floor that day I thought about just taking them and running but…then I saw you and the panic you were in and I recognized it and I had to give them back to you.”

Evan didn’t know what to say.

“That’s why I’ve been so different this year…I’m sedated now by all kinds of medication, and I go to therapy a lot so my anger issues have calmed down. But…you – you just asked me a few times about where I was and I wanted to tell you.”

“Connor.” Evan croaked and pulled him into an iron grip embrace. Connor relaxed into Evan’s touch and wrapped his arms around Evan’s shoulders.

“I tried too,” Evan spoke into Connor’s chest.

“What?” Connor said and let go of Evan. Evan reluctantly copied him.

He brought his hand up and started pulling at the bottom of his suit jacket.

“I tried too. That’s why…I had the cast.” Evan said and pulled at his jacket harder. “I thought falling out of the tallest tree in Ellison Park…that tree we sat under…would do it but I only got a broken arm. I remember laying there, waiting for someone to come find me…anyone to find me…but no one ever came.”

Connor’s face was twisted into pain. He grabbed for Evan’s hand and held it. They were both shaking and weepy.

“If I could have…If I hadn’t been gone, if I had known you…If I had been there…I would have found you if I could have.” Connor whispered

Evan let out a laugh that sounded more like a sob and Connor pressed his back up against the wall and seemed to use his body as a shield from anyone who could possibly walk by. Connor reached up a hand and started brushing away tears on Evan’s face, Evan couldn’t help but close his eyes and lean into the gentle touch.

Evan wasn’t surprised at all when Connor’s lips brushed against his own. He reached up and cupped Connor’s face. Evan felt relief flood his body at telling Connor about how he broke his arm but it felt like torture to know what Connor had gone through.

Being carted off to a hospital and having to be reminded every day of his attempt just by where he was. He probably had to talk about what he was feeling every day and try to find an answer when there was no real answer at all. Suffering through the mood swings and mental pain of the trial and error of medications and wrong dosages. Trying to shove food down his throat when really all he wanted to do was starve himself in his bedroom then keep doing something that was keeping him alive.

Evan knew all those feelings all too well, but at least in the end Connor was here and seemed to be doing fairly well. He couldn’t decide if Connor was the lucky one for getting treatment or Evan was for no one else knowing.

Evan was ripped from his thoughts when Connor’s loving touch suddenly disappeared and didn’t instantly return. His eyes flew open when he heard someone shouting loudly.

Connor was on the sprawled out on the ground and Zoe was standing above him, breathing heavily.

“What the hell is wrong with you, Connor? Money?! For drugs?! AGAIN?!” Zoe roared

“What?” Connor asked, shock melting away and anger blooming on his face.

Evan tried to take a step forward but a hand was placed on his shoulder. He looked over and found Alana, sympathy clear on her face.

“Don’t play innocent! I heard Jeremy talking with that Michael kid!” Zoe continued to bark “You were getting paid to take Evan out? By Jake Dillinger? So you could buy weed or pills or something else?! What the fuck?”

Evan froze. No…That couldn’t be right. Connor would never.

Zoe straightened and spun around to face Evan.

“Evan, I’m so sorry. Jake wanted to date your brother so he paid mine to take you out…somehow it was all Michael and Jared’s idea.” Zoe said with a stony face

“You’re wrong,” Evan said, heart beating hard in his chest

Zoe ran her hand through her nicely curled hair, in such a way that echoed exactly how Connor did it.

“I’m not!” She insisted, “Ask anybody! Ask your brother or Michael or Jared or – or ask Jake even!”

Evan knew his face had a look of horror and disbelief on it. He turned to look at Connor, still on the ground. Connor didn’t look up at him.

“Con –Connor?” Evan asked in a hoarse voice.

Connor didn’t reply, eyes glued to the ground, looking guilty.

Evan’s heart felt like it was going to explode out of his chest.

Zoe started to speak to him again but everything turned into white noise. His head started spinning and he thought he might throw up.

He didn’t believe this. He couldn’t believe this. Connor wasn’t like that.

Evan knocked Alana’s hand off his shoulder and shoved past Zoe, stumbling over to the dance floor.

He whipped his head around, looking for any of the four people Zoe had mentioned. This was all a joke. Zoe was just angry at Connor, Connor would never do this to him. He’d find one of the boys and bring them over to Zoe and then he’d know she was making it all up.

Evan reeled around and spotted Jared walking towards the bathroom. Evan careened over and almost ran into him.

“Jared!” He cried and grabbed him.

“Woah dude, watch the goods,” Jared said and tried to pry Evan’s hands from his suit jacket

“Jared!” Evan tried again

“What?” Jared asked

“Did you and Michael make Jake pay Connor to take me out so he could go out with Jeremy?” He said in one, heaving breath.

“Oh…” Jared said and looked away, looking like he had just been caught red-handed.

Evan’s head started spinning more and he felt the panic attack that was looming over him set in.

Jared started to speak, “Well see –” But Evan pushed away from him and saw Michael across the room. He sprinted as fast as his shaking legs could carry him.

“Michael” He gasped when he reached him

Michael turned to face him with a wide smile

“Evan! Dude Jeremy and I are totally together now! It’s that awesome?... What’s wrong?” Michael asked

Evan gasped for breath even though he had only run maybe 30 feet. He was definitely going to throw up.

“Michael! Jake didn’t pay Connor to take me out, right? That’s a lie, right? Please say it’s a lie. Please.” Evan begged in between sobs.

“Oh…Evan, I’m really sorry…” Michael’s expression changed to one of remorse and shame, “It wasn’t to hurt you or anything, I swear…Just to get around your step-dads rule.”

Evan couldn’t believe it. His speeding heart shattered into a million stabbing pieces. He was heaving now, his panic attack taking over.

He had to get out of there now.

His brain screamed at him to find the nearest exit.

Michael shouting at him as he ran.

He tripped and stumbled and barreled into people but he didn’t stop running. Someone else was calling his name.

He somehow made it to the entrance of the school.

“EVAN WAIT!!!” A voice shouted from behind him.

Evan froze just as he reached the doors. He flung himself around and there was Connor, only a few feet away from him.

“Please!” Connor said in between puffs of air, “Let me explain!”

“You were paid to take me out! This was all a set-up, this was just a joke!” Evan cried, barely able to see Connor through his tears.

“NO! No! It wasn’t like that!” Connor said

“What was it like? A down payment now and a bonus for sleeping with me later?”

“No, I don't care about the money, okay? I care about you, please Evan.” Connor said and took a step towards him.

Evan pressed himself up against the door, terrified of him.

“I trusted– I trusted you.” Evan wept, “But you’re no different than the rest of them. I should have known that you were too wonderful and perfect and understanding to be real. No one like you could ever really want someone like me.”

He pulled his arms tight around himself, like that could somehow protect him now, after all that had happened.

“Evan, please, it’s not like that.” Connor pleaded

“I let you see me…I told you everything!” Evan angrily wiped at the snot and tears dripping down his face, “I told myself I couldn’t let anyone see the mess that I am because they’d hate it...no one could ever really want me if they saw it! I’ve never – ever let anyone see me before...but I thought you were different!”

“Evan,” Connor begged.

Evan was sobbing so hard his sides hurt and he was gasping for breath.

“But you’re not!” Evan lamented through tears “You’re so much worse than all of them! At least- at least they didn’t pretend to be my friend to get close to me then get me to fall in love with them! It was only ever about money for you! I’m so stupid!”

Evan ripped the boutonniere off his chest and threw it at Connor as hard as he could. It barely went two feet before hitting the ground.

“I hope you and Jake and Michael and Jared and my brother all have a good laugh because I never want to see you ever again!” Evan screamed and finally ran out the door, escaping into the night.

#be more chill #dear evan hansen #boyf riends #treebros #richjake #pinkberry #zolana #galaxy gals #deh #bmc #AU fanfiction #fanfic

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thatcnamomnwife · 3 years

Text

Well, hello!

I really just wanted to check out this app because I don’t know anyone really who blogs here... maybe I could meet new people make friends I can chat with. I don’t work anymore and I have very little company. My ex husbands wife has come to visit and let our youngest boys play together and my family has come in and out to help keep things up in the house. I broke my leg in a car accident in October. I still can’t walk.

I laugh about it now because my two other siblings here have both been in worse car accidents and walked away with scratches. My brother was knocked unconsious and woke up and walked 2 miles home. I hit a tree to avoid hitting the back end of a truck that was stopped in a work zone and when I hit the break popped back and broke my ankle tib and fib... I knew I had broken it but was not aware of how bad it was. My EMT was wonderful in keeping me calm. I heard comments when I got to the hospital about it being really bad but I didn’t want to see the damage. They knocked me out and put me into surgery. I woke up with a fixater on my leg. The next night after I asked for pain meds 3 or 4 times in a row because the Dilaudid didn’t work, my assigned surgeon came in and examined my leg. I had compartment syndrome and needed a fasciotomy asap. so the next time I woke up I still had the fix and then my leg was completely wrapped. Every time I tried to do physical therapy I would. Bleed everywhere. I found out I had two huge gaping cuts in the side of my leg and 2 equally gaping cuts in the top of my foot. In the hospital I tried my best to keep up hope that this would all be over soon. My friends at work (I’m a CNA) got ahold of me and cheered me on the get better and come back to work soon. But here I am. It’s February and I’m still wheelchair bound and not walking. The way my surgeon fixed my leg set it to where my toes almost faced the ground and my ankle is now fixed as if its ready for a stiletto. I have worked hard to get to rotate my ankle and lift my toes a little bit and as my physical therapy has me working on the they are working on lifting this deep scar on top of my foot.

It sucks to have to depend on everyone else to get help. I can do some things on my own. But I can’t cook my own food by myself. I can do dishes actually but it’s really hard. I can move from place to place with my walker. But since I’m on one leg it’s hard and I wear out fast. I can’t go anywhere unless someone takes me. Sitting in a car is hell because I lose circulation in my leg easily. If I get annoyed with my husband or my kids get on my nerves I can’t just go outside.

I spent the first month crying. Every day. I’m not kidding. I cried even harder Every appointment because my surgeon is a straight forward kinda guy. My home health nurse came in and saw that I was cracking and she suggested I act for a low dose antidepressant and I just gave and said yea. I’m tired of crying. Well it’s worked so far. I still get mad and throw fits and cry but I think that’s just me being human and besides that anyone in the medical profession is bound be make a horrible patient.

I am a lot better now. In fact despite the fact that my leg still doesn’t work, I’m in ok spirits. I miss my job, my residents, and most of my coworkers. I worked through what I feel is the worst part of COVID in my area and I worked while I had it. I was so proud of my self for not giving up in that mess. I miss the hard work. I wanna go back but I know I will never get to run around like I did before. It just sucks.

But in the midst of this whole crap show my husband and I got married in December! It was a beautiful low cost home wedding and my family couldn’t come because they were quarantined but we had our other loved ones there. I won’t lie I looked amazing in my wedding dress and my hair and makeup was gorgeous. Nothing has changed since we got married. We are still bickering at each other but at the end of the day I love him and he loves me. We have been through it all in these 6 years and I wouldn’t have him any other way. He’s lazy. He frustrates me but he is a good man and a good dad to our son. My daughters love him. My oldest calls him dad. And he has pretty much jumped trough hoops for them since he met them. We are all a happy family and I love my life. I just don’t like where I’m at in my life.

I have 3 kids. My oldest is 14 and she’s a type 1 diabetic. Shes a hormonal teen with diabetes. We have blood sugar issues every day. Hormones raging. She recently got grounded for not doing her chores and lying about her blood checks and she lost it over not being on the phone for a few days. But damn she is smart. She wants to be a mortician when she graduates college. She passes state testing like it’s nothing. And she’s a complete music lover. She was the 18th chair in junior all region choir last year. She was the youngest in her group to get in. So I brag on her a lot. My middle child is a lot of energy and she frustrates me. She’s 10 and she’s been stuck in this stage where she acts like she doesn’t have common sense. We’ve taught her how to use the washer and dryer several times and this kid still says she don’t know how to use it. She’s the one who argues even if she knows she’s wrong she will still try to make you think she’s right. She will agree to something one minute and then get mad about it later. She will not brush her hair and she does this on purpose because she claims is a part of her personality. She also recently told me she’s bisexual. She’s a good kid though. Teachers and kids at school love her she don’t get in trouble ever. And she’s also a smart kid! She excelled in school to the highest. I’m very proud of my girls.

My son is 4 and he is a big ball of adhd. He bounces off walls and he’s very violent. We have been trying to get him evaluated so we can get him on proper meds before kindergarten but It hasn’t happened yet. But he’s also a sweet kid. He is very smart too. He knows all of his colors and can count to 10. He knows his name. But he tells you he’s 400 years old instead of 4 lol.

My mom and sister are both life savers to me. They have taken care of me through this. When I need them they are there. My brother prefers to live his own life and visit at moms with me from time to time. But I love him. I miss him.

My dad left my mom when I was 13. He caught up with my half sister. Fell in love with his ex wife and moved away. I have seen him 4 times since he left and the last time I saw him was when I was 19 and pregnant with my oldest child. He’s never met my kids in person and he’s only spoken to my oldest on the phone once. 2 years ago he disappeared after planning to come stay on my moms property to get back on his feet and get proper medical treatment. He asked our side of the family for money (like $1000) and none of us had that. So he tried to make us feel bad and then never contacted us again. I’ve heard fromy step sisters that he’s been spotted here and there but we honestly Don’t know where he is, what he’s doing and if he’s even alive. I hate to say it but it doesn’t bother me anymore. I used to break down thinking about him dying and not knowing. Now I feel different. He’s been gone most of my life now.

I also have this best friend who is more than my best friend. She’s my soul. This girl has helped me through some of the worst parts of my life. She and I don’t get to see each other very often but we are always family to each other. She and I talk almost daily. I just love her.

That’s my family though. It’s a hot mess but it’s mine and I love it. At the end of every day I am blessed because I’m loved and cared for.

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beerecordings · 4 years

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How do we recognize ableist content like that? I've never been in situations like that, so something that look pretty harmless to me could be in fact quite shitty. I don't want to share stuff like that and be unaware of it, how do I learn?

well thank you for asking!!! but the first thing I’d like to do is make it clear that while I do trust myself to recognize many common ableist errors/choices, I do not pretend to be an authority on this issue any more than anyone else who’s done some research, talked with other people, and worked to recognize things. I need help sometimes too! Also I’d like to reiterate that I am able-bodied and people with disabilities are free to correct me.

The second thing to notice is that SOMETIMES these things are context-dependent. For instance, while I usually gag to see Jameson made into like the son of somebody the same age as him, if you’re actually writing an au where Jameson and maybe another character or two are actually children to another character, that can be pretty cute!!! In that case an adult is not being infantilized and he is not made into a child because of his disability - he’s being made into a child because he’s a literal four-year-old and that’s the premise of the story (and he still can’t talk). Alternatively, maybe Jameson needs extra attention and love and protection from older brothers after a traumatic event - but at some point, that Jameson should begin to regain his independence, should still experience a wide range of emotions, and should not be condescended to about his emotions or ability to function alone. However, please be careful with this… don’t use context to make excuses if you’re actually pulling ableist shit.

I think that list I gave in the post I made is a good (but not comprehensive!) starting point for some of the things to look for that are offensive to people with disabilities (some of these are specific to mutism). Let’s take another deeper look at these points:

Before reblogging something with Jameson in it, for instance, ask yourself - does this infantilize the character?

Is Jameson unable to function alone in society beyond the reasonable limitations we would expect of a person with a disability? Is Jameson babied to a ridiculous degree by the other egos? Does Jameson only experience basic emotions? Does Jameson ever stand up for himself or display “unpleasant” and unromanticized emotions such as anger, desire to isolate, desire for violence, ugly grief and sorrow, etc? Disabled adults are still ADULTS. Don’t treat them like little kids!!! If you want to portray Jameson’s trauma reactions - and you should!! he’s been through a lot!! - make sure this is more complex than just reducing him to a sweet needy baby who needs a hand to hold twenty-four seven. He should have ugly reactions too and be more complex than sad sometimes because he’s disabled and needs more attention. Otherwise you are infantilizing his mutism and romanticizing his trauma.

Does this erase Jameson’s disability completely or partially?

I have had people tell me it’s okay to erase Jameson’s disability because “they just wanted him to have a cute British accent.” I have had people to tell me to “chill out” because it “isn’t a big deal” that people erase his disability. I’ve heard people say “I couldn’t really get into Jameson for some reason, he just wasn’t my favorite character - so I decided to make him my own and give him new powers and let him talk and now I like him a lot!”

FUCK OFF M8

DON’T WRITE HIM IF YOU AREN’T WILLING TO INCORPORATE HIS DISABILITY AND YOU HATE DISABLED CHARACTERS. WHY ARE SOME OF U LIKE THIS. HOW DARE YOU qUITE FRANKLY

DO NOT SUPPORT CONTENT WITH A SPEAKING JAMESON UNLESS ANTI IS ABOUT TO SHOW UP AND CUT THAT BOY’S THROAT OR MAYBE IT’S AN AU WHERE SOMEBODY ELSE HAS THE DISABILITY BUT I’M NOT A HUNDRED PERCENT SURE ABOUT THAT ONE -

When you erase Jameson’s disability, you are telling every disabled person who might come across your writing that there is something wrong with being disabled and that they need to be fixed, as well as warping your own perception of the disabled people you will meet in your life. Do not use magic spells to erase Jameson’s inability to vocalize. Do not just decide you prefer a vocalizing Jamie.

Is this a respectful and accurate representation of a character who cannot vocalize?

If you are not disabled, you probably should not write pieces deeply exploring his relationship with his disability, because you just can’t do it right. I’m tired of seeing people write like ten thousand words of whump about how sad Jamie is about being disabled and how he longs desperately to just be normal like everyone else!! If only he didn’t have to sign!!! And he never seems to make any progress at accepting himself, he never seems to have any righteous anger at the people who treat him like shit, he always seems to let himself be comforted by other people telling him how to perceive himself instead of coming to terms with it with the help of both others and his own internal development. Incorporate his disability, and yes, it’s okay if it upsets him that other people react poorly to his inability to vocalize sometimes, but avoid stories which focus on him dealing with his disability exclusively if you are not disabled. If his disability is the only thing that ever makes him sad or makes him experience a negative emotion, you have fucked up again and you are using his disability for whump points like an asshole instead of seeing him holistically. I get upset sometimes because I see people will get prompts about JJ and it will be like… “job interview!” so they write one where Jameson gets turned down for a job because of a disability or it will be like “mourn!” and it’s about how he mourns his lost voice and “spell!” is about Marvin trying to fix him and just….. I guess it’s okay to write that stuff every now and then, but it’s a BIG RED FLAG if someone takes every single prompt or thought about JJ and makes it about him being sad about his disability.

Is this a respectful and accurate representation of sign language?

Please be aware that Jameson speaks BSL, not ASL! I think most people mess that one up just because they don’t know, not because they’re ableist, so it’s great to spread awareness! If you are writing something about Jamie, though, you really should know. You should also try to learn a little about the way people sign and just do some research! Also, when writing Jameson, be aware of the signing. If he is in another room than Jackie, then remember that Jackie can’t “hear” him. You just forgot he couldn’t talk! Double-check your work or ask someone to beta and this one is avoided easily. Be open to someone pointing out “actually, Jameson couldn’t do that, he was downstairs!” and work to accommodate him.

If I were unable to vocalize, would I be offended by this representation?

Many of us have disabilities of our own. Think about the things that bother you and how they apply to mutism or even other disabilities like Chase’s depression. One thing that always helps me (though I am not in a wheelchair!) is comparing this to people in wheelchairs. Would it be okay for me to write a fic where a person had their legs magically fixed after a lifetime of not being able to walk and then everybody liked them better and they finally found purpose? Would it be okay for me to write ten snippets in a row about how sad they are they can’t walk? Would it be okay for me to just decide they can walk now because I’m annoyed when I have to write in their wheelchair? Is it okay for me to say that they can’t wheel themselves around or that they use magic to move at all times and would not be able to move at all if someone were not pushing them or they lost their magic? Is it okay for everyone to treat the person like a helpless baby because they can’t walk? Honestly, I think we know more than we think if we take a moment to critically examine. Trust your gut.

Does this contain common problems in portrayal of characters with disabilities/mutism such as derision or lamentation towards sign language, making the character defined entirely by their disability (always a cheerful character except when reminded of their disability, for example), having other characters explain things about their disability to them, or treating the character as childish, needy, and unable to function in society because of their disability?

Pretty self-explanatory, but well worth repeating.

Do not show derision towards sign language (though a villain might, if it was clear that they are the villain and doing something wrong!). We have already discussed the complexities of lamentation and I suggest that you avoid that as well, especially if you are going to make his character flat. If you are not disabled, you really can’t portray it well, and it’s ableist to focus so much on the disability that you do not give the character any other complexity. Do not make the disability the “tragic backstory” of the character’s life. Complexity is important because it means you are seeing the person as more than their disability! You should know things about the character other than “they are happy and sweet and sugary and never get angry or make mistakes!! except sometimes… they are sad because they can’t talk uwuw poor baby” you look that shit in the eyes and you tell it to fuck off, you hear me? It’s great to have a sweet, nice, sugary baby brother Jameson as long as he is more complex than that, with real independence and abilities of his own and complex emotions and character! His disability should not be his one weak spot or his tragic backstory or some shit!

ALSO DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT REFER TO JAMESON AS “THE MUTE.”

like dude even “the mute man” is pretty fucking shifty because why do you feel the need to define him by that??? but definitely not “the mute moved down the hallway” i will block you on sight and you will deserve it that is SO offensive would you call a person who can’t walk “the cripple???”

Don’t have a speaking character explain things about disabilities to characters with disabilities. Speaking characters should not be condescending towards the character about much of anything, really, or else you’re infantilizing - if you need someone to explain things, obviously that’s okay, but do it in a way that recognizes that this is a mature and independent adult.

The character with a disability should be able to function in society past the limitations that are to be expected. No, Jameson isn’t going to magically start talking, but if he wants to go on a walk alone, he can. Let him do things like writing or texting. Don’t be afraid to give him a cool job and awesome hobbies. Let him have independence. If you can’t imagine JJ living on his own because he can’t speak, you’re doing it wrong. Look for signs that Jameson is capable of things other than making tea and kissing his brothers good night.

It’s okay to have a Jameson with a slightly childish personality, and I love it when he’s a sweet boy! But there should be more to him than that. I’m just going to say it - you know when Jameson is being treated like a baby. You know the difference between infantilization and a nice friendly man with sweet cute hobbies and interests. You can see it. Trust yourself. Don’t buy it when you see it and if you’re writing him, make sure there is complexity instead of just sugar-sweet with a sugar-sweet filling. He’s an adult. Remember that and remember that it’s harmful to pretend otherwise.

Geez, that was a rant and a half. Again, I am not the perfect authority. But there are some tips.

Does that help at all?

Feel free to add on to that if you have seen specific things in the fandom that I might not have seen or you have a disability and have experience with being discriminated against.

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