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punchdrunkdoc · 1 year

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Chapter 11

Summary: After the events of S3, Matt Murdock is trying to once again balance life as a lawyer and a vigilante. But he’s been scarred by loss and betrayal - will a mysterious new neighbour help him heal? Or will her secrets drag him back into the darkness?

Notes: This is a slow burn romance with an original female character, told in 3 parts. There is mystery, intrigue, action and angst - all the good stuff!

Also available on AO3 and Wattpad

Masterlist

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This is a shorter chapter than usual, but I couldn’t wait to post it - things are really picking up pace now, and it won’t be long till we get to the scene that inspired this whole fic...

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Chapter 11

“Lay it out for me, Anya.” Calina whispered into the burner phone. It was meant to be used only for emergencies…but this felt pretty damn urgent.

“Wait, are you calling from your apartment?” Anya asked. “Because if so, he can probably hear you.”

“No, I’m in a diner around the corner from our building, and I’m getting strange looks from the regulars, so please explain, and explain fast.”

“I sent you all the evidence. It’s all there.”

“It’s all there if you’re you. But I’m not you, so explain it to me like I’m an idiot.” Calina wasn’t an idiot. She could understand complex mathematical theorems and speak a dozen languages, but her intelligence was different from Anya's. Anya thought outside the box. She could see patterns in things where others saw only chaos.

And she often forgot that most people weren’t on her wave length.

“Okay. There’s this magical thing called the internet. And some people like to write things on the internet.”

“Don’t be facetious,” Calina replied.

“Fine.” She dropped the condescending tone and continued. “When you told me about your lawyer, and how he seemed to perceive things he shouldn’t be able to, I remembered a theory I’d come across in the depths of the internet from a Hell’s Kitchen blogger. He had no following to speak of, so his speculation went nowhere.”

“What speculation?”

“That Daredevil had superpowers. This blogger had seen him in action up close and said it was like he had 360 degree awareness. As if he was using senses in addition to sight to orientate himself and dodge attacks. The blogger thought it was some form of telepathy, but I had a different theory. See, when Daredevil was first on the scene he wore a black fabric mask over his eyes. So I started to think, maybe he was using senses other than sight, because he couldn’t actually see. From there it was just a matter of plugging in some Daredevil footage into a program I designed that analysed his movements and spatial awareness, and it proved my theory - he’s blind. Then I used facial recognition software to compare him against your lawyer and - even though it only ran on the bottom half of his face - it came back with a 92% probability of a match. Simple.”

Calina shook her head, dumfounded. At both Anya’s idea of ‘simple’…and the fact that her neighbour - her kind, handsome, blind neighbour - was a super-powered vigilante.

“You’re sure?” Calina whispered.

“I’m insulted you even have to ask,” was the dry reply.

“Sorry. It’s just a little…out there.”

“More ‘out there’ than the existence of a secret cabal of mind-controlled female assassins?”

“Good point. And thank you, Anya. For figuring all this out.”

“I didn’t just do it for you,” she replied in her typical blunt fashion. “This guy’s senses must be off-the-charts powerful for him to be able to fight and leap across buildings without using his eyes. So he can probably detect things about you that you don’t realise. Which means your secret - and ours - is at risk. I suggest you find another place to live before he figures it out.”

“I-I’ll take that under advisement,” Calina replied before saying her goodbyes and hanging up.

She sat back in the booth and blew out a long breath, still stunned at the news.

Matthew was Daredevil.

She hadn’t heard of the Devil of Hell’s Kitchen prior to moving to New York; but she’d become very familiar with him since. He was like a folklore hero in these parts. Graffiti art of a red-suited man with devil horns graced the facades of several buildings. His antics made the local news, and were splashed across the tabloid papers.

He had his detractors - people who thought any form of vigilantism was wrong - but most thought he was making a positive impact on this little section of New York.

And he lived next door to her.

So should she move out?

She no longer had to worry about him reporting her to the Sokovia accords - not when he was operating outside of them himself. But it didn't mean that he would be accepting of having a former spy/assassin as a neighbour. And if he found out about her sisters - who were still engaging in covert, and sometimes deadly operations - would his moral code allow him to ignore that?

Because he did have a code.

All her research indicated that Daredevil had never killed a single one of his victims.

The Widow's hands were not so clean. Even now, freed from Dreyokov's control.

Should she move out?

Calina contemplated the prospect as she stared out of the window. The night sky was dark, but the street was a riot of colour; the puddles on the sidewalk reflected the bright blue of the diner's sign. The lights of the cars on the roads were red and white blurs as they sped passed. The traffic signals blinked in amber and green. And the revellers headed to the bars and clubs were dressed to the nines in metallics and pinks and, multi-hued garments.

This place was so...alive.

She didn't want to move.

Not anymore.

She liked her building, and the residents she was slowly getting to know. She liked her dance classes and her coffee place, and the subway, and the parks.

And though she’d come to accept that they’d never be more than neighbours, she still liked living next to Matthew. She liked hearing the clack of his cane as he walked to his door, and his deep voice, and the way he looked in his suits. Strange as it sounded, she even liked the feeling of longing that came when she caught a glimpse of him in the hallway. Her juvenile crush on him - the first she’d ever experienced in her life - felt like a piece of her lost adolescence that she’d regained. It felt so normal.

Was she being selfish, putting her sisters at risk for a bit of joy and a sliver of normality?

She thought back over the past 6 weeks, for anything that might have give her away to Matthew's heightened senses…but there was nothing.

No incriminating conversations that he might have overheard - her only visitor had been Yelena, and they hadn’t discussed Widow’s business in earshot. There was the incident in the mail room, but she wasn’t regularly fighting people in the building.

She shook her head, grabbed her phone and scooted out of the booth. She left the diner and started the walk back to her apartment, resolved to keeping it her apartment.

She hadn’t given anything away to Matthew that would point to her being a Widow. And as long as she was careful going forward, she never would.

———

Her harmless crush on Matthew Murdock evolved into a bit of an obsession over the next few days.

She was fascinated by his double life: crusading lawyer by day; masked vigilant by night.

She started following Daredevil’s nightly adventures through social media - there was a hashtag that the locals used whenever they spotted his red-suited form flying along the rooftops, and she tracked it religiously.

She read all the articles about his exploits and watched the hours of videos that had been uploaded to YouTube over the years - shaky camera footage from bystanders that documented his athleticism, his strength and his skills.

It started as just another strategy to distract herself. The dance classes and the library visits and the coffee breaks worked to fill her daytime. But the nights were trickier, formed of seemingly endless hours in which her mind tormented her. Sleep was held at bay by memories of her past and the things she had done. When it eventually came, she was plagued by nightmares, her psyche not allowing her the peaceful respite of unconsciousness.

Shadowing Matthew online, studying his past, and following him in the present, helped fill the worst of those hours - the stretch between midnight and 3 am, when she was so tired she could barely move, but rest was an impossibility.

And the more she learned…the more impressed she was by her fearless neighbour.

She was particularly enamoured of his fighting style. It was an unusual mix of traditional boxing with martial arts, which somehow blended into a powerful but graceful technique that seemed uniquely his own. She couldn’t help but imagine sparring with him. Her own method of combat was so different from his - he opted for aggressive offence, whereas she excelled at defence. Strength wasn’t her greatest asset, so she’d been trained to escape rather than attack, which suited the nature of her missions - get in, get what was needed, and get out.

How would their two very different styles come together? Would it be an even match, their methods complimenting each other? Or would there be a clear victor?

It saddened her that she would never find out.

But while she gained respect for his skills...she started to worry about his safety.

The leaps he took across rooftops defied gravity. The punches that landed on him looked brutal and punishing. He went after armed, ruthless criminals with nothing but a bit of armour and some sticks.

It didn't feel...sustainable. He was only human, after all. An incredibly gifted human, but flesh and blood and mortal just the same. And he’d been at this for years already. Almost every night, for years. It felt like he was tempting fate every time he stepped out onto their roof.

The urge to leave her apartment and follow him in person became a constant temptation. Not because she thought he needed back up. But just to see for herself that he was being as safe as possible. The twitter posts and the blogs and the footage weren’t enough. She needed to watch him in action. It was an urge that she couldn’t full explain, and one that she couldn’t ignore for long - it became an itch under her skin. A compulsion that had her pacing the small confines of her apartment at night as he risked his life somewhere out beyond her window.

Until one night…she gave in.

She pried up the floorboards in her bedroom and retrieved the bag containing her Widow suit. She’d stashed it there the day she’d moved in - buried it, more like, as if a body in a tomb. But just like Poe’s Tell-tale heart, her buried secret was not a silent corpse to be forgotten. It tugged at her, a constant reminder.

Maybe it wasn’t surprising that she suffered insomnia, with a skeleton like that beneath her bed.

She shook out the thin black fabric, a kevlar-reinforced neoprene that allowed for as much protection as possible while providing maximum flexibility. She zipped herself into the suit and adjusted the leather reinforced shoulders and knee pads. She contemplated the belt with the attached thigh holsters but left it behind in the bag - she wasn’t going out looking for a fight, so her guns wouldn’t be necessary. But she didn’t want to be completely defenceless, so she strapped on her Widow’s bites - bracelets that could deliver powerful electric shocks, both up close and from afar.

She slipped on her fingerless gloves, and braided her long hair to keep it off her face. As she grabbed her newly purchased balaclava - a black woollen mask that would keep her identity hidden from the people of New York - she caught a glimpse of herself in the full length mirror beside her wardrobe.

She froze. Then straightened up and stared at the image of her past self.

Widow 118.

The spy. The covert operative. The infiltrator.

The liar.

The thief.

The occasional assassin.

She felt an overwhelming sense of revulsion. The taste of bile rose in her throat, and she could feel her skin drain of colour.

Fighting back the sensation, she took a deep breath and turned her back on the reflection.

This was different, she told herself.

This was her choice. Not a mission she’d been compelled to undertake.

And she was different now.

She wasn’t going out to do harm. Just to observe. Just to placate her fears over a man she had grown to admire and respect. The suit was just a practicality. She was comfortable in it, knew how to move in it, knew it would protect her.

It didn’t have to mean anything more.

———

The first night, she watched him from a distance.

She found a spot on a fire escape a couple of blocks away, and lifted a small pair of binoculars to her eyes. She trained them on the access door that led from his apartment to the rooftop - their rooftop - and waited for him to emerge.

She didn’t have to wait long.

After twenty minutes, when night had fully descended on the city and the moon was high overhead…the Devil appeared.

She held her breath at her first glimpse of him in person. He seemed…bigger somehow. More imposing than the lawyer in his suits. The blood-red armour fit him like a glove, showcasing his solid thighs and the breadth of his chest and the curve of his ass. The mask was suitably intimidating, the horns and the opaque red eyes hiding the kindness and humour that she knew lurked within.

He looked amazing.

Even more so, when he took a running start and somersaulted across to the next building. He sprinted over open spaces and vaulted over air vents and slid down gables, his movements fast and confident and…almost joyous. As if he was stretching his muscles and relishing his freedom.

What must it be like to have all that speed and agility and have to conceal it all day long?

Calina was struck by the feeling that she was only just now getting to see the real Matthew. That so much of what he presented to the world - to her - was a front.

A persona.

Just like her.

When she started to lose sight of him through the binoculars, she followed him across the skyline. Always several blocks behind, but always on his tail.

She felt the same exhilaration as she leapt and somersaulted across the concrete terrain, finally getting to utilise some of her own skills after so many weeks.

That night she watched as he stopped a would-be mugger in a dimly-lit gas station forecourt; as he saved a woman from sexual assault outside a nightclub; as he foiled a major drug deal at the docks, taking down a group of thugs in a chaotic melee. He was outnumbered by five, but he seemed completely in his element as he engaged the gang, incapacitating them one by one, and sometimes two at a time. It was a brutal, fast display of power and proficiency, and she once again admired his skill.

There was a beauty in his violence, that only a fellow fighter could understand. An efficiency, and a surprising amount of mercy.

There was no punishment in his attacks. No gratuitous pain.

He fought to put his assailants down, so they would stay down. That was it. He wasn’t sadistic or cruel.

He was a hero.

A hero who didn’t need her to worry about his safety. He dodged everything the gang threw at him - punches, kicks, knives...

And even a bullet.

One of the men who had been felled by a leg sweep fumbled at his ankle holster as he sat on the ground. Calina gasped as she watched him draw a gun and point it at Matthew’s back. She had a moment of panic - too far away to warn him; too far away to do anything - as he fired.

But Matthew just...stepped to the side. As if he'd known that the weapon was trained on him. He sent one of his escrima sticks flying back at the gunman - knocking him out with a blow to the head - then continued fighting.

All without looking.

It was incredible.

Did he hear the movement of the finger on the trigger? Did he sense the the shooter hold his breath as he lined up his target?

How the hell did he do it?

It was yet one more mystery that she'd never get an answer to.

———

She followed him the next night.

And the one after that.

Always making sure that she arrived home before he did, not knowing the extent of his abilities and how careful she had to be.

So she erred on the side of very careful.

She snuck into her bedroom via the fire escape, in case he scented her on the rooftop. She showered off the sweat and adrenaline that clung to her, in case he could detect that. Then she lay in bed and worked to calm her heart rate and breathing to simulate deep sleep in case he checked.

She was probably being paranoid.

And overly hopeful.

Even if his senses were so powerful and finely tuned that he could pick up her heartbeat from across the hall...why would he bother?

He had made it clear that they were nothing more than two people who happened to share a corridor. They weren't friends, and they would never be more than that.

But still, she felt compelled to follow him out into the night.

To satisfy herself that he was okay...but also because it was helping her sleep. Whether it was the physical exertion tiring her out, or the fact that she was able to concentrate on something other than herself and her past for a while, the result was that she was getting a solid five hours of uninterrupted sleep after sneaking home in the early hours.

It was wonderful after so many restless nights.

So she continued the routine.

Until the fourth time she followed him.

She didn't sleep well that night.

Not at all.

——–

CHAPTER 12

Taglist: @hollandorks, @yanna-banana, @stilldreaming666, @tearosearts-blog

If you’d like to be added, let me know!

#Daredevil #daredevil fic #daredevil fanfic #daredevil fanfiction #marvel's daredevil #daredevil x original female character #daredevil x ofc #Matt Murdock #matt murdock fanfic #matt murdock x original character #tabula rasa

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kaeyasaki · 3 years

Text

📹 — :; “face-to-face” GQ interview

-> inspired by the “face-to-face, A$AP rocky answers 18 from rihanna | GQ interview”, except i make the questions a little more personal because i don’t think anyone cares what gojo’s ‘fav curse word is’

-> ft :; gojo satoru

-> interview writing layout heavily inspired by @rintaroll

y/n: hey GQ! i’m here to do face-to-face with my co worker, gojo!

gojo: coworker? is that all i am to you?

y/n: be grateful i even acknowledged you.

gojo: you wound me.

y/n: yet you’re still smiling.

gojo flashes a playful frown to the camera as y/n roll their eyes before pulling out a stack on cards.

y/n: so first question, what’s the hardest part about working with me?

gojo: everything.

y/n: i’m serious.

gojo: and so am i, you make it hard for me to work with you because we never get anything done.

y/n: don’t make it sound like it’s my fault! we never get anything done because you get too distracted and drag me into it!

gojo: maybe you should discipline me more...

he teases and sends you a wink to which you dismiss quickly.

y/n: you’re a grown man, you shouldn’t need me to discipline you.

gojo: what if i want you to?

y/n: would you just answer the question seriously or i’ll really start to think you don’t think we work well together!

gojo: okay, i was kidding... you’re actually a pretty good teammate when we’re sent on missions together, i have fun with you... maybe a little too much fun...

y/n: don’t give them the wrong idea we’re nothing like that!

you cringe at him as he laughs before the camera cuts moving onto the next question

y/n: okay, second question, answer seriously from now on, got it?

gojo: anything for you~

y/n: you disgust me... anyway, how well would you say you take care of yourself?

gojo: you mean like... self care wise?

y/n: yeah, like self care!

gojo: hmm well, i’d say i take care of myself pretty well, after all, pampered men are attractive men right?

y/n: i mean sure, i think it’s attractive when a man takes care of himself but if that mans you... maybe not so much.

gojo: you don’t mean that! you must be somewhat attracted to me.

y/n: can’t say i am no.

gojo: lying is a sin you know.

y/n: you’re totally straying away from my initial question.

you groan and face the camera and gojo tilts his head and laughs.

gojo: sorry, well, i’d say i clearly look after myself very well which should be to your liking.

y/n: you’ll never be to my liking, but it’s nice to hear you take care of yourself well and that you’re not just an annoying man, but rather an annoying but hygienic man.

gojo: you’re so horrible to m-

the camera cuts as you start laughing and gojo starts whining.

y/n: we’re getting through these quickly now let’s keep it that way.

gojo: you know, we’d be half done by now if you stopped insulting me every chance you get.

y/n: i’m the quizzer, you’re the answerer, you answer when spoken to.

gojo turns to face the grinning camera crew behind the cameras on set.

gojo: now do you see what i have to put up with! i’m a victim i’m telling you!

camera man: no no, keep it up, you guys have nice chemistry

y/n: chemistry? not to be rude but you must’ve failed science, the only clear dialogue between us is practically conversation between an adult and child.

the camera crew laugh and gojo feigns offence before you clear your throat and look at the next card.

y/n: anyways, when was the first time you were majorly recognised as ‘famous’?

gojo: ah, a long time ago i need to think, give me a sec.

you pretend to yawn as gojo thinks about his answer before smiling at you.

gojo: my second year i think. that’s when i really started getting noticed for my talent.

y/n: practically a star since birth i see, how do you do it?

gojo laughs at your sarcasm as you grin back, evenly matched banter between the two of you flowing on set.

gojo: i’m handsome and gifted, i was made for this kinda life, it all comes naturally to me.

y/n: you know what doesn’t come naturally to you though?

gojo: hm?

y/n: that dress sense.

gojo: what’s wrong with my outfit?

y/n: bland, basic, and the way you chose itadori’s uniform was just straight up ugly!

gojo: he liked it!

y/n: the poor boy probably didn’t have the heart to express his disgust to your face.

gojo: well, until he does i’m gonna believe he likes it and my dress sense is more than up to standard.

y/n: if that’s what helps you sleep at night i guess...

the camera cuts with the two of you playfully bickering with each other, any previous speculation of hostility now gone as it’s clear for watchers to see just how your dynamic together works.

y/n: question four! what’s the first thing you notice in a person?

gojo: in general or when analysing to an extent?

y/n: in generals fine.

gojo: hm i would say looks, but i don’t wanna look too shallow on camera.

y/n: they would’ve just recorded you saying that. don’t be shocked if you’re trending on twitter later for it.

gojo: it’s fine, as long as i’m trending who cares what it’s about.

y/n: i can see the headlines already... ‘gojo satoru, top sorcerer, favoured teacher at jujutsu high and big narcissist’

you smile smugly at the man as he laughs along with you with the camera crew from behind.

gojo: yeah yeah whatever you say, but if i had to answer honestly, i’d say what energy they give off. i don’t let it bother me too much, but i’d say i’m pretty good at judging what someone’s like based off of what energy they’re giving out.

y/n: i’m shocked, that’s a pretty good answer... for you anyway.

gojo: i try my best for you.

y/n: mhm sure, keep that attitude next time we’re working together and maybe we’ll finish jobs quicker.

gojo snickers and smiles gently at you, his direction is no longer faced towards the camera, but rather solely directed at you as you clear your throat.

y/n: yeah anyway, good answer. that might just get you uncancelled.

gojo: i haven’t even been cancelled yet don’t speak it into existence!

y/n: i’ll ‘try my best for you’

you’re both smiling softly at each other after you mock one of gojo’s previous replies, there’s no speech cut off as a comfortable silence rests for a moment as the scene cuts.

y/n: okay, i want genuine answers only.

gojo: that’s what i’ve been giving you from the start!

you jokingly narrow your eyes at him before looking down at the next card.

y/n: well okay then, so, what was the first thing you noticed about me when we first met?

gojo: unusually bold question from you.

y/n: just shut up and answer, i was recommended to ask this.

gojo: sure, sure.

y/n: would you please just answer so we can get this over with?

gojo sighs dramatically and sits up properly and nods.

gojo: naturally, for anyone else i would say energy but for you, ah, i think it was your pretty face.

y/n: shut up, i said genuine answers only.

gojo: i am being genuine! aren’t i allowed to call you pretty?

y/n: you aren’t allowed to answer falsely, serious answers please.

gojo: you make me sound like i’m down bad, honestly, you’re very attractive to me, your energy was just a bonus, i’m serious, stop doubting yourself so much.

he smiles your way, not playfully nor forced, it’s a soft and genuine smile to calm your nerves, it’s a sign of truthfulness on his end. before you answer he clears his throat, slight hurry in his voice.

gojo: -of course, we were younger back then, since then you’ve gotten wrinkles and is that a few grey hairs i see? you also slouch-

y/n: -okay okay you can stop!

the two of you laugh as you gently kick his chair, the fact you’re being recorded and being watched by a whole camera crew totally forgotten about.

y/n: okay, last question finally!

gojo: admit you had fun with me.

y/n: i see you everyday, today was nothing special.

gojo: you wouldn’t say we’ve bonded more over this interview?

y/n: you’re still as irritating as before this interview so no.

you grin and gojo scoffs before shuffling in his chair a little before a sly smile draws across his face.

gojo: go on then, last question.

y/n: would you sl-

gojo: go on, ask it, we’re waiting.

gojo is leaning on the palm of his hand, teasing smile playing on his lips and y/n stares at the card in disbelief.

y/n: you definitely wrote this! i would never ask this! there’s been a mistake with the cards or something

camera man: ah no, they’re all the questions that were on your form you sent in prior to the interview, these are the questions you apparently wanted to be asked. sorry, you’ll have to make do.

y/n: i’m not asking that.

gojo: come on now, don’t upset your supportive fans.

y/n: i know you wrote this, you’re so infuriating!

you glare at him but not with complete hostility, the situation slightly humorous to you despite your protests.

gojo: i mean well.

gojo shrugs as you sigh and stare at the card before speaking.

y/n: fine then have it your way. would you... would you sleep with me?

gojo: how brave! asking me on camera in the middle of an interview! how could i dare say no!

gojo is laughing along with the camera crew as you fight back a smile, refusing to admit his interference was entertaining.

y/n: at least take me out for dinner first.

gojo: now you’re asking me to take you out? you’re really bold today aren’t you!

y/n: oh shut up! i didn’t mean it like that! this is totally your fault it’s awkward now.

you’re grinning at this point not caring that your flirtatious banter with gojo is being recorded and is soon to be edited and posted for the world to see.

gojo: i mean, i’m free tomorrow if that’s good with you?

y/n: what? no, i- this wasn’t even a serious question shut up!

gojo: i’ll shut up if you let me take you out... and maybe then i’ll sleep with you after if that’s your request.

y/n: i can’t stand you!

gojo: but you do everyday, that must count for something right?

y/n: i hate you.

gojo: quite the contrary, i’m sure i’ll get you to admit that by tomorrow though.

y/n: ...i’ll be waiting on it then.

the two of you are smiling at each other, laughter dying down as you once again softly kick gojo’s chair. he pays no mind to it as a moment of fondness occurs, viewers clearly able to see the evident bond between the two of you.

y/n: okay well... that concludes our face-to-face, GQ interview, thanks for watching and putting up with him!

gojo: maybe we’ll come back to do an interview about our date after i take you out, who knows, maybe i’ll get to ask you to rate me in bed!

y/n: gross. you sound like a fifteen year old boy.

gojo: am i at least a hot one?

y/n: i refuse to catch a case.

gojo cackles as you laugh too, the camera fades out with the scene of the two of you softly smiling at each other as the interview concludes.

#i haven’t beta read this sorry </3 #but go watch the rihanna x asap one they’re so cute pls :( <3 #gojo satoru #gojo x reader #gojo x you #jujutsu kaisen #jujutsu kaisen x reader #jjk #jujutsu kaisen x you #jjk x reader #jjk gojo #gojou satoru #gojo satoru x reader #jjk x you

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saintobio · 3 years

Note

i know i’m being petty right now but i hate sera for coming into gojo’s life 😟 it felt like he and y/n had a good past together (back when the mom was in the picture) and i’m willing to bet they were like those kids who made promises before about marrying each other. but then gojo’s mom left and his dad has been nothing but abusive and he learned to find solace with sera.

some other thoughts:

i love how y/n thinks gojo never thought about her the entire weekend but it seems like she’s been in his thoughts most of the time. i could tell the mf is feeling conflicted right now lmfao. good for him. he deserves that internal turmoil.

the part where gojo thinks it’s better to let go of sera… like my man, do it please, for your sake and hers. i know the whole “you and me against the world” thing sounds romanitc as fuck but let’s be real, it’s tiring lmao. like, are you just gonna keep fighting to prove your love for the rest of your lives? that’s so sad. love shouldn’t be like that. there are sooo many people in the world, i’m sure sera would find someone else who will actually fight for her and who could give her a good life that’s not only rooted in material wealth

i think gojo loves the stability that y/n provides by being with him. and not just with regards to their companies. he obviously has abandonment issues and everything he’s had so far—his position in his dad’s company, his forbidden romance with sera, among others—are fickle and unstable. his dad always threatens him with yuuta taking over the company. he and sera cannot be together. gojo’s always walking on thin ice and y/n is that stability that he never had, which is why he keeps clinging to her, which also by extension makes him confused about his feelings, because he wants to hate her, but like he just said, he “finds it hard to.”

the last part is driving me crazy. actually, all the gojo past crumbs are driving me crazy. when the mom said that he would talk about y/n so much to nana??? it feels so much like right person, wrong time but idk. lots of stuff happened in between. they grew apart, they experienced grief (y/n for her mom, gojo for his, and for his abuse) so obviously they’re not the same person anymore. the nightmare scene made me realize just how much of a broken person he was. doesn’t justify his actions of course, but fuck, i could just imagine the terror and fear of being left behind by your own mother into the hands of an abusive father.

going back to something more positive, i really loved y/n’s time with toji at the mall. i love how he’s so supportive of her, even going so far as to reserve a space in advance for something y/n might not even end up pursuing (tho i hope she does pursue it!). and when the givenchy sales person called her mrs zenin i fucking howled lmfaooo. it also made me feel sad tho because it’s such a stark contrast to y/n as mrs gojo. i know toji isn’t set up (i think) to be a love interest, but i hope they become really good friends (and that stupid gojo better not feel jealous; he has no right to after he went gallivanting with sera). i hope she also attends one of his business meetings lmao!

that said, this chapter was amazing so thank you for writing it! and for always taking the time to answer our asks! i always enjoy reading through everybody’s theories and i’m glad i accidentally took a nap last night and ended up waking up at 5 in the morning because it meant i got to be here right when you posted the chapter shsjjsks. but also sorry for such a long ask 😭 hope you have a great day today!!

you guys rly know how to make a writer cry with all these amazing theories & analyses!! like wtf u have a better grip of the story than i do JSNSJD u guys see beyond the lines written in every chapter and it makes me so sooo happy 🥺

anyways, these are all great !! u organized your thoughts abt the series very eloquently to the point that i don’t even have to add anything more <3

#saintobio.asks #series: sincerely not

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neqeyam · 3 years

Text

Kaeya Head Canons!

hey besties, me again! Kaeya brainrot hit hard today LOL, anyways some of these may be ooc bc I don’t main Kaeya anymore so i’ve forgotten a lot about his character plus I don’t read the lore (where tf do yall find it even).

Also if some of my head canons for any charcter seem personal or have nothing to do with their character it’s me projecting LOL!

anyways, onto the hcs!

(ps, thank you so much for the love on my last hc post! i really didn’t expect anyone to see it LOL)

He’s a menace. but everyone loves him

Kaeya skips, when he isn’t in a professional setting my guy is skipping. It’s so much faster than walking and more fun than walking.

This^ is especially true when he’s out with his s/o. holding your hand, he’ll skip and force you to either jog or skip along with him to keep up.

Again I say; he’s dating Albedo. Kaeya saw Albedo from across the bar and without missing a beat he got up, waltzed over and started flirting with him. Albedo had no idea what was happening, he then asked sucrose to accompany him the next time he went and it was sucrose who broke the news to Albedo that he was being flirted with. Kaeya laughed for 5 minutes and refuses to let Albedo forget it.

(oh my god tell me why as soon as I go to write these they all leave my mf brain im sorry if these are terrible)

Kaeya taught bennett how to sword fight, and still does on the rare occasion he has a free hour.

^most people of Mondstadt think bennett went to Kaeya for help but that’s not true. Someone sent in a letter to AGM Jean (the hand writing looked suspiciously like Diluc’s but he refuses to admit it was him) saying that bennett was looking into learning the art of the sword. The next day Kaeya dispatched himself to look for bennett and for the next two months (technically it’s been like two years but bennett is a fast learner) Kaeya was a dad.

Kaeya absolutely despises working out but he does it anyways because he wants to be able to pick up kids.

Kaeya is AMAZING with kids, he makes jokes about hating them but when he sees one he melts. He has to work with them a lot because he is often dispatched for travel mishaps (hilichurls attacking carriages, that sort of thing) and often times the parents are injured so he has to comfort any kids that may be on scene.

Kaeya is buff, absolutely jacked. you can’t see it because he dresses modestly (sorta) to down play his physical strength but my guy can deadlift like 350 LBS (idk if that’s a lot tbh I don’t workout anymore LMAO)

Kaeya is as smart as he is muscular. He’s among the smartest knights, probably top three (it goes kaeya, jean, lisa). HOWEVER, he ranks first in battle intelligence. my guy can analyse four opponents at the same time, find all their weak spots and exploit them in matter of seconds.

Kaeya is also a master of manipulation. i can see it in his eyes, this man knows the mind of all his enemies, old and new.

(wait now i’m imagining Kaeya riding a horse that’s full sprint HELP. I’m turning myself into a Kaeya simp....)

Kaeya’s horse is all black except for a white patch that looks suspiciously like the star from Khaenri’ah (it’s on its lower neck). his horse is also by far the fastest in the entire company and was once part of a herd of horses that roamed Mondstadt’s country side. (Diluc helped him tame it but shhh nobody is supposed to know)

^Kaeya was extremely pissed of when Varka took his cavalry, still is in fact. I mean, he’s the cavalry captain damn it, find your own horses. Especially because there were enough horses so Kaeya’s could stay behind in case he needed it for something, but NOOOO Varka refused anything but teh best- which happened to be Kaeya’s horse.

Kayea’s named his horse Außenseiter, and that is absolutely a reflection of his feelings.

Kaeya is fucking fantastic at masking what he’s feeling, you’ll never know what he’s actually feeling. If a situation starts to go downhill, you won’t know it until it’s practically too late because Kaeya is just. that. good.

he’s also fucking fantastic at playing the long game. nobody knows but he’s the knights of favoniouses official interrogator and he is a menace. he always gets what he wants out of people, whether it takes two hours and two months, he gets it, and reports directly to AGM Jean his findings.

Kaeya and Eula share ‘war stories’ (how they go their visions mostly, but other things like the way people treat Eula, and how they chalk Kaeya up to being ‘just a flirt’)

he has a fan club. they aren’t as loud as the Diluc fan club but he knows they’re there. sometimes he’ll pop in on meetings and everyone just. fucking freezes bc their lord and savior- THE Kaeya is standing in their presence. he loves them.

He openly talks about liking anyone he wants to so that the youth of mondstadt can talk about as well. and the LGBTQ+ of mondstadt know that if they’re having a problem with someone they have his permission of threaten said person with his name.

^and archons hope he isn’t in the vicinity when it reaches that point. all rational goes out the window and then he’s all threats and no jokes. with a threatening smile that screams “test me, see what happens”

^then he treats whoever was being disrespected to a meal, on him.

and that’s all for now! thanks again for the love on my first head canon post! i really need to learn how to use tumblr so i can make a masterlist of these LOL. there will definitely be more coming soon!

#kaeya alberich #kaeya headcanons #kaeya x reader #kaeya #albedo is in here too #kaeya is pan #there i said it #genshin impact #knight of favonius #KOF #video game characters #video game

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kanmom51 · 3 years

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Hey kanmom, I hope you don’t mind me coming to you to well basically vent and share my two cents on this whole hickey situation. I keep seeing all these asks and posts and well Twitter is hell these days. Its actually frustrating at this point. I absolutely hate the extensive dissection of moments they decide to share because it’s all in the fond looks for me. Like, you don't need to look too far. At least I know love when I see it and I just leave it at that. Anyway, I’m going to be a hypocrite here cause for the first time I wanna vocalise my theory. The why didn’t he cover it? Or the Jimin is trying to cover up for him. It’s like behind the scenes they’re always extremely candid and just themselves on there. What I think must’ve happened or is my theory is that he didn’t see it when dressing up but it got attention later on so Jimin said what he said cause I bet they would be getting teased about it, you can see it on Jins face lol. Now I also saw some supporters say they should’ve kept it private? And sure they could’ve edited it out like some do get edited but I believe why it was shared was 1) the story was lighthearted and 2) because I bet they're done with speculations as well. So they decided to let it be there and actually gave the story in a playful manner so there won’t be malicious speculations. It could’ve been seen or pictured and then there would be TK or IU speculations they just shared

I just hate how we can’t seem to take it when they’re sharing the love they have, with army. We have to analyse and have ship wars over it for some reason. Or incase of solo stans want to “free” JK ( if you just love him and not others atleast respect his choices. I don’t see a gun when he chooses to gaze so lovingly at JM among other things)

So many of us have wanted them to share for too long, especially if you’ve been here since 2013 you will know what I mean by that- Not explicitly share what they’ve labelled their bond but just be themselves.It’s a shame it gets so nasty when they’re finally doing that. Anyway I’m sorry I have rambled on for too long

Whatever the situation was leading to it being talked about and filmed (both by JM & JK), and whatever the reasoning for adding this to the dvd (it could have been left out all together and nobody would have been the wiser), it really makes no difference to the fact that this is them sharing a part of themselves with us.

I really don't think there would be any kind of speculation about a hickey that no one would have known about if the footage wasn't added to the dvd in the first place.

Adding the conversations into the content is what created the talk and discourse about the hickey.

Btw, there have been hickeys in the past that were brought to attention in footage and they stayed just that - speculations.

Here a clear choice was made to showcase it, to talk about it, to film them talking about it, twice, and to add it to content. If it wouldn't have been added to that dvd we wouldn't have known about a hickey that happened close to a year ago.

Anyway, I agree with you that the fandom is hypocritical. They want BTS to share themselves, but only what suits them (the fandom), not who the members really are, especially not, god forbid, that they might, just might, be in a real life gay relationship.

#ask #jikook hickey #JK hickey

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stop-breaking-my-heart-telltale · 3 years

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I don’t get you, CJ. Why are you so quick to throw around the term “bad writing” when you don’t agree with something? Why not simply chalk it up to having different likes or dislikes than other people and move on?

Instead of deconstructing characters you don’t like, why not use your platform to empower other voices and highlight others with different tastes or opinions than you? Different people notice different things about the games. That’s one of the nice things about fandom.

You clearly love writing and analysis, but when you post answers to asks that hold different opinions than you’re own, you often go “you’re valid, but…” and launch into paragraphs upon paragraphs of your opposite opinion rather than truly exploring theirs.

I guess what I’m trying to say is I think your blog and analyses would be stronger if rather than dismissing plot points or characters as “bad writing” you step outside yourself and ask others what they see in that writing since it’s not connecting with you.

To be fair, anon, I don't get me either.

But I hear you, so if you'll allow me to do the thing where I launch into paragraphs upon paragraphs, let's talk about this.

I assume this might've come about because of the recent Violet talk here? Or maybe it's from older posts, I dunno, you didn't specify so I can only speculate and use the Violet posts as the main example here.

So here's the thing... deconstructing characters and storylines is something I enjoy doing. Hell, it's one of my favorite things to do. It doesn't matter if I like or dislike the character, or if I agree with plot directions, or if I think it's "good" or "bad" writing. That's how I work things out for myself, how I try to understand why I'm feeling the way I am about certain characters and story elements. I break apart the different aspects of these things and analyze them so that I can improve the content I create and try to avoid the same mistakes I've come across that I wanted to be better.

When it comes to me tossing around "bad writing", or just implying it, I'm not trying to say that "bad writing = trash, garbage, unenjoyable, anyone who likes this is a dingus, how could you?" it's more "I see flaws here and I want it to be better, I know it can be better and it frustrates me that I can't fix it," y'know?

And I'm fully aware that other people might not see it that way. With that basketball Violet post, I know that a lot of the Violet crowd are gonna read that and be like "no, I love the bell tower scene! It fits well with her character! What are you talking about?" and that's fine, I expect that. That post was me writing something that's been on my mind that I wanted to share, it wasn't me trying to scold anyone for liking it or trying to dismiss their feelings about it.

When it comes to differing opinions, especially on Violet, I've come to the conclusion that we just gotta agree to disagree. I've tried for years at this point to understand the appeal of Violet and gone looking for answers about her in hopes of being enlightened, and I have asked around.

In the past, I have made posts inquiring about what people see in Violet [Minerva, too] and why they prefer Violentine, and I got little to nothing in response. So I totally get where you're coming from when you say I should ask others what they see in the writing that I don't, but there's only so much I can do when no one is willing to answer me. So, I have to look around myself.

I've searched through several threads on reddit and none of them have been insightful, unsurprisingly.

That's what sparked my mini-rant about Louis before. On reddit, a lot of the answers on why people like Violet are either "she sided with Clementine, she's just really sweet deep down, she has more trauma, and lesbian," or "I like Violet more because Louis is a traitor," and what the hell am I supposed to get out of that, y'know? They're not really telling me anything, they're just looking to argue among themselves and I've had to throw in the towel on that one.

I've had better luck here, having read some truly insightful posts about Violet, her arc, and her relationship with Clementine. The conclusion I've reached it that the things people find appealing about her are things that I don't.

If you need an example, we'll use the aftermath of Marlon's murder when Violet turns on the group to defend AJ. Every post from the Violet crowd I've read that talks about that scene praises her for turning against her friends/family to defend AJ when they were gonna attack him, it shows what she's willing to do for them, that's something that drew them to her. Then there's me, who sees that as adding unnecessary aggression to the situation when none of them were going to attack AJ, they weren't looking at AJ, and none of this is helping. Neither of these interpretations are wrong.

Guess what I'm trying to get at is I'm one person, and having discussions takes more than one willing person.

Moving on, "when you post answers to asks that hold different opinions than you’re own, you often go “you’re valid, but…” and launch into paragraphs upon paragraphs of your opposite opinion rather than truly exploring theirs."

I've thought about this for a while, and maybe I do actually do this but don't realize it. I like to think that I'm engaging with the ideas that people send me, but I dunno, maybe I can be dismissive of things because I have a hard time being objective. That's something I've always struggled with, and I'm sorry if I ever came across as dismissive or didn't fully explore ideas, that's something I can definitely get better at.

As for "why not use your platform to empower other voices and highlight others with different tastes or opinions than you? Different people notice different things about the games. That’s one of the nice things about fandom."

I've done character nights, ship nights, season nights, etc. for about two years, give or take. That's what those nights were about. Usually, I'd put up a poll and we'd all vote on what we wanted to discuss, and then the floor was open for anyone to give their input, and we'd discuss.

I stopped doing them a little while ago because I was burnt out on themed nights. Remembering to make new polls, setting aside part of my weekends to spend hours answering asks the best I could, usually dealing with other projects on top of it all.... it may not seem like it, but god, those nights took a lot out of me. I loved doing it! Having those discussions were some of the best parts of running this blog, but now my new job has me working 40+ hours a week, four days with ten hour shifts and occasionally some overtime on the weekends, I just don't have it in me anymore to do it every single weekend. Not with how tired I am and with all the other projects I'm working on.

That's why I've started testing the waters with these shorter posts of me throwing out ideas or going on mini-rants. They're something simple I can do with no pressure, just me with an empty document getting whatever's on my mind out... and it helps that it feels like my last fuck has just flown away to the heavens to weave itself into the boat god's beard like as he sails among the clouds and stars..... so now I'm gonna talk about whatever I want and the fact that it's my opinion is implied.

I'm sorry if I'm coming off as a little defensive with this part, I tend to get that way whenever people tell me what I should or shouldn't do with my blog, even if they're just trying to be helpful and I don't believe you have any ill intent with your message. I've had this blog for three years now, and I've always had people telling me I shouldn't do character analyses, I should stay in my lane, just write fanfics and do character nights. I should answer more asks otherwise people will think I don't care. I shouldn't write headcanon posts, that's what other blogs do and I'll be taking content away from them. I shouldn't write that one au I've always wanted to because I should be working on [with you]. I shouldn't write anything but [with you.] I shouldn't talk about Violet because I'm a Louis blog.

And that's dumb. All of that is dumb! No one owns the concept of headcanon posts or character analyses! Just like how I don't own the concept of character nights!

Again, my last fuck is lost in Kenny's beard, I don't have it anymore. I'm going to write and analyze whatever I want, when I want, and the best I can do is promise to be better. My inbox is open, I'll try to answer and engage with you guys when I can, I'll keep doing these posts where I ramble about whatever topic is on my mind, and I shouldn't have to put a disclaimer of "This is all my opinion and it's okay if you disagree, I'm not trying to invalidate you" because that's implied.

Before I close out this long response, I do wanna add a thank you for the ask, I do appreciate the constructive criticism. Usually anons that have any problem with me after I talk about Violet will just call me a piece of shit and tell me to delete my blog. Maybe this helped you, maybe it didn't, either way thanks :)

#asks #twdg clementine #twdg louis #twdg violet

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dellyduck · 3 years

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Inspired by the recent post you made, could you kinda elaborate on what makes Secrets of Castle McDuck so great and the best episode and what made Fight for Castle McDuck not work and the worst episode of the show? I respect your opinion and I myself do love Secrets of Castle McDuck (and had issues with Fight for Castle McDuck) but I wanna know your analysis/take on it. Also, you think the whole Spear of Selene drama could've made for better reason for Scrooge/Matilda to fight?

Wow, I wasn’t expecting for such an ask, but okay, I’ll do my best to answer!

First and foremost, I need to emphasis that Secret(s) of Castle McDuck is the best episode to me, personaly. This was the episode that truly hooked me on Ducktales, so yes, I’m biased when I say Secret(s) is the best episode.

I truly believe it’s one of the best episodes of the show, however, and the reason for that is the two family conflicts we have in it.

Fergus & Scrooge: This is the first time we meet the Father of the richest duck in the world, and we just fall heads on this broken, bitten (not petty) Father & Son relationship. We don’t know why they’re like that, and their bickering is funny to watch, but at the same time we can see how frustrated at the situation Scrooge is. He didn’t even want to be there!

... And that was actually the problem, as we find out later. By who? Fergus. When he and Scrooge go into the castle’s walls, Fergus admits, after his son explodes on his face about how he never gave him anything, that he was the one who gave Scrooge his first dime. He did that to teach his son how to fend for himself, but Scrooge learned it so well that he very much forgot about his family.

Fergus admits he’s hard on his son because he misses him, and in return Scrooge admits he misses his parents too.

A conflict plot that was: fun at the beginning, got deeper, and concluded satisfactorily.

Huey, Dewey & Louie: Now the reason why this episode is my favorite.

Different from Fergus and Scrooge, the situation that follows the conflict between the triplets isn’t unknown for us; on the contrary, it had been built up through the whole season. Dewey found informations, clues, about their mother and never shared it with his brothers.

It’s fun to watch Dewey trying to make Huey and Louie give up on the treasure hunt, but in the end actually needing his brothers’ help to solve the clues and get closer to the prize, which he was the only who knew had something to do with Della.

And then, the catacombs scene happens.

“BECAUSE IT BELONGS TO MOM!”

“You kept a secret about Mom...”

“That’s not okay.”

Huey and Louie were hurt, but even then they still went for their brother and saved Dewey from the demon dog (with a little help from their ghost relatives that scene makes me so emotional). I really believe that Dewey’s second I’m sorry, when they go back for Della’s bag, is sincere. He learned his lesson and can’t wait to continue the investigation with Huey and Louie by his side.

One more time, the conflict plot was: fun at the beginning, got deeper, and concluded satisfactorily.

This is the main reason I love Secret(s) of Castle McDuck so much. That’s why I love the Castle McDuck! There lies all the history, good or bad, of this huge, ancient clan. Those walls hold so much history and the possibilities of what to do with them is countless!

So I will give this to Fight for Caslte: a magic bagpipe is a way to try to bring this history into life.

Before starting to talk about Fight For Castle McDuck, I need to say, again, that the episode’s the worst to me, personally.

Let’s start analysing what I pointed out the most in Secret(s): the conflicts.

Different from Fergus & Scrooge in season 1, Matilda and Scrooge’s conflict starts off clearly and purely as a petty fight between siblings. And this is all it is, literally, it never gets deeper than Whiskers.

But even then, for some reason, Webby acts as if the world’s ending! Webby, my dear, you’ve been living with the boys for almost two years now, and with Donald and Della for a long while. Please, tell me you know siblings fight. Please, listen to Dewey.

And before continuing with the McDucks, let’s take a look on Huey and Louie. In this episode, Huey’s trying to follow the instructions Finch left in her journal for them to find the Blessed Bagpipes, and Louie just wants to find a short cut while mocking his brother’s way to do things.

Now I wouldn’t be too bothered by that, if Fight for Castle McDuck wasn’t an episode that happens after season 2, the season where Louie learns that short cuts aren’t always the best strategy, and after two or three episodes in season 3 where Louie learns that he needs to listen and trust on his brothers.

Now back to the McDucks... they’re still fighting about Whiskers, this time with Fergus and Downey involved too. Downey defending Scrooge while Fergus defends Matilda, because- oh right, I almost forgot to mention: do you guys remember all that development where Fergus admited he was hard on Scrooge because he missed him? Well, now Fergus is back at being a mean Dad to Scrooge, but for no reason this time.

You asked if I think the whole Spear of Selene drama could've made for better reason for Scrooge/Matilda to fight, and my answer is: absolutely. It would be the best reason ever, especially because Matilda has a life outside of the Castle, she can go out, so different from Downey and Fergus no one can convince me she didn’t know that her niece disappeared for ten years. She knew. And the fact that she doesn’t mention it once, the fact she doesn’t look mad at Scrooge at all, the fact she doesn’t even ask about Donald and Della-

It was a golden opportunity wasted on a ball of furr.

Then, we finally get to the apex of the episode: everyone (Scrooge, Matilda, Downy, Fergus, Huey, Dewey and Louie) in the statues run, fighting for petty reasons, only for the statues of Clan McDuck to be brought into life... and also start fighting between them for no reason!

But no fret, because Webby will play a sad audio she recorded of how much she loves the McDucks and they will all instantly stop!

I can’t start to say who’s more in the wrong here and how much this episode’s execution was made poorly. So in the end, the conflicts were: fun at the beginnig, but never got deeper, and the conclusion was everything but satisfactory.

Besides, you noticed that I didn’t mention, Pepper, Blot, or FOWL at all in this post right? That was how important they were for this episode! Two agents of the main villain of the season and the family barely aknowledge their presence there!

It’s frustrating, infuriating, and I’m getting tired, so I’m finish here. I hope this was enough of an answer to you. Thanks a lot for your question :)

#ducktales #discourse #just to be safe #ducktales 2017 #analysis #mc duck clan #Huey Dewey and Louie #scrooge mcduck #fergus mcduck #matilda mcduck #downy mcduck #Webby Vanderquack

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projectwkm · 4 years

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Okay, so... I’ve been seeing you posting a lot of stuff about Actor Mark being just misunderstood and actually nice- but, I’m not convinced. (Which is surprising considering I’m usually the one who likes the “villain,,,”) If I may ask, what’s this theory based off of?

This post has been a long time coming, so sorry! I totally didn’t realise I had asks on this blog,, I’m a fool.

So this is less of a theory of mine and more of an expansion on character and what we know! Do I think for a second Actor is going to be redeemed? No, and I hope he’s not, because I love him so much as a villain. Do I think he is redeemable? Absolutely. Everyone is.

Let’s get into why I think that!

1. ‘A Heartbroken Idiot’

This is the nickname our Mark (in this post I’ll call Actor Mark ‘Actor’, and real Mark ‘Mark, just to avoid confusion) gives Actor. In the WKM Explanation Stream, he calls him ‘a heartbroken idiot’ in reference to his plan on poker night. And if we think about what we canonly know to be true, then there is good reason for this:

The Actor, the Colonel and the Mayor were all childhood friends. The Colonel practically grew up in the Manor with the Actor.

The Actor married Celine. Do we know for certain that they loved each other? No. But we can gather that at some point they were happy, for reasons I’ll go into later.

The Colonel slept with Celine behind the Actor’s back while they were married, and also borrowed copious amounts of money from the Actor to do so (?). The last part could be slightly biased or inaccurate considering Abe was on the Actor’s side for the most part, but I don’t see why he has reason to lie.

The Actor found this out, the Colonel and Celine left, and the Actor spiralled. So far he tried to kill him self. He did kill himself — over and over until his desire to die turned into a desire to understand the Manor he lived in and its oddities.

There are a lot of gaps there, in all honesty. A lot of questions unanswered. Did the Actor and Celine really love each other? Did Celine really love the Colonel? Why was the Colonel so willing to go behind the Actor (his close friend, remember)’s back and have an affair with his wife? Why was Celine so willing to leave her husband if she married him in the first place?

But those questions aren’t important right now, because I’m sticking as close to canon as I possibly can. What matters is that the Actor was betrayed by one of his best friends and that his wife left him in an awful way. They hurt him so badly that he tried to kill himself. Now, this isn’t me ignoring the Entity’s part in all this — we’ll get to that later.

But the purpose of Mark calling Actor a ‘heartbroken idiot’ is that it shows his only motive initially was heartbreak. His actions, initially, weren’t the actions of a man who wanted to destroy his friends and loved ones. In fact, by looking at his attempts to die, especially the first ones, we can see that the only person he wanted to destroy initially was himself. He’d been hurt, badly, by people he called “his close and trusted friends (WKM)”. And he wanted an out. He turned aggressive and revenge-twisted was when his very basic autonomy over his own life was denied to him by the Manor not letting him die.

“After Celine and the Colonel left, Mark was left in this super spiral downwards. He was just completely out of it, didn’t know what to do, and he may have at one point tried to kill himself. But it didn’t work.” (Mark, WKM Explanation Stream)

So before the Manor Entity intervened, was he a bad person? No. Most definitely not. How do we know this, apart from what I’ve said above? This brings us on to point 2:

Celine and Damien

The braincells of the WKM gang, truly. Do you really think they’d stay friends with Actor if he was a bad person? Scratch that, do you think Celine would have married him if he was a bad person? Ruling him as an awful evil person from the start completely undermines the intelligence of the other characters who had been ‘fast friends for years’ with Actor.

That’s not to say he’s flawless. He has an abundance of flaws that the Entity brings out in him (see point three), but even before the Entity, his flaws were probably very visible, especially to his friends and wife. Actor was no doubt an egotistical ass, don’t get me wrong, he was no saint, but he also wasn’t evil. If he was, Celine, who could sense the energy of the Manor as soon as she walked in, would have surely refused to marry him.

It’s hinted that they didn’t have the best relationship by Mark in the DAMIEN Explanation Stream, that much is true. Their reasons for marrying could have been anything — from a passionate spur of the moment decision they didn’t properly think about, to a marriage potentially motivated by finance or power — and we don’t know if they were ever truly happy. We don’t know if Celine loved Actor, but it is implied she at least felt something for him, judging by the look of distress on her face in Chapter Three of WKM when it is revealed Actor is dead.

We also don’t know if Actor loved Celine. I’m inclined to say he did, considering his original plan was to steal the Colonel’s body and get back together with Celine, but there’s a fine line between love and obsession. (In my personal opinion, their relationship started off well before the Manor Entity began to shape them, but my personal opinion doesn’t come into it right now.)

But do you really think if he’d been evil or abusive (as I’ve seen some call him) that Celine or Damien would even be upset about his death, nonetheless have stuck by his side for so long? I doubt it. Mark says nowhere that Actor was a bad person to start off with, and goes into detail of what the Manor Entity actually did to him in the Explanation Streams of DAMIEN and WKM, so read below for more notes on that!!

The Manor Entity

Aha.... my least favourite character of all time...

Words cannot describe how much I despise this thing (whatever it is, Mark described it as more of a concept than anything else). Even as I write this, I feel a boiling rage inside me. Nonetheless! I will keep as fair and as unbiased of a take as I can while I analyse Actor’s relationship with the Manor Entity.

So let’s start with its affects BEFORE the Colonel and Celine left. These characters were fucked the moment they lived in that house. The Colonel and the Actor have been affected worst by it due to living in the house as kids; as Mark says, they grew up together in the Manor. So they’ve probably had the worst effects from it. Let’s see what Mark says about the Entity in the Manor!—

“The thing [about the Manor] that causes people to change, and the thing that curses people, it’s this…. Not a thing, but it’s this idea that whispers in your ear, and the worst thing it could possibly do is that it makes you think that the ends justify the means, in whatever situation…. It’s this thing gently over time just whispering.”

An idea. A whisper in your ear, exacerbating worse qualities and constantly suggesting. Something you don’t even know about until it’s too late. It’s not so hard of a leap to make that it could have made the Chef so aggressive (he’s been there the second longest, other than George the Groundskeeper), could have made the Colonel more hot tempered and liable to cause trouble between a husband and wife, could have very easily twisted the Actor to be a worse person.

We’ve already made it clear that the Actor is not without his flaws. On the contrary, he might be the most flawed from the group. Cocky and stubborn and prideful, passionate and a performer, it’s not so hard to see the Entity delighting at being able to plant seeds in his head. Just little suggestions: “maybe you’re better than them” “maybe they’re holding you back” “maybe they’re conspiring against you”. Just little, back-of-your-head thoughts that, over time, would change him into someone worse, something else.

Something that could have potentially driven him away from Celine and driven Celine into the arms of the Colonel.

Am I saying this is definitely what happened? No. As I say, a lot of canon from Before The Poker Night is missing, and left to speculation. But from what we know about the Entity, and what we know about what it does, it’s increasingly likely it’s been manipulating things from behind the scenes for a while even before the Actor takes his own life.

Cut to Celine and the Colonel leaving. Damien is gone too (God knows where, perhaps the Actor just shuts him out too), leaving the Actor alone in the Entity’s puppet strings. Another Mark quote!

Imagine [the Actor]: his wife left him, his friend betrayed him, the [Entity] whispers “that’s not fair, no, that’s not fair”.... “No, you’re right, that’s not fair.....” “Why should they be happy?....” “No, no, of course, no, they shouldn’t be happy.....” “Maybe they don’t deserve to be happy, maybe you should do something about them not being happy, maybe you should set something up to make sure they’ll never be happy again.”

The Entity is a powerful thing. Its powers are subtle, so subtle that the Actor probably didn’t even notice he was being changed in the first place. As Mark said “the more you stay in that House, the more it drives you toward things it wants you to do… and the worst part is it convinces you that you thought of it in the first place.”

The Entity could have been the one to suggest that he keeps killing himself. It could have very well been the one to lead him to his death in the first place. And the worst thing is that the Actor wouldn’t have a clue they weren’t his thoughts. He is a puppet without realising it, an actor for the Entity to direct in whichever way it wants.

It’s a gradual, awful process. And Actor? As the ‘heartbroken idiot’, the man Mark describes as being a ‘pawn’, that had a lot of time alone in the Manor depressed and bitter over being hurt? He didn’t stand a chance against it.

By the time we meet Actor in WKM, it is very unlikely much of the original man remains at all. While he acts cheery and cocky as usual in the beginning, the bitter puppet we see in the Void after we die and the mania-driven ‘hero’ from DAMIEN is most likely all that remains of the original. Mark from the WKM Explanation Stream explained that “every time [Actor] died, he got sent to this [Void], and was able to get a deeper understanding of it”. Doing so pushed him further and further into the embrace of the Entity, until he was nothing more than a pawn. A puppet.

Actors have little to no control over the scene they play out. It’s the director’s job to push them in the direction they want. And the relationship between the Actor and the Entity seems to function as such: even if the Actor himself doesn’t realise that yet.

And finally, my last point:

No characters are good.

Mark gave a very good quote in the DAMIEN Explanation Stream that I rely on when writing Actor, Dark and Wilford — “no one’s truly, fully, 100% evil”. In the same way, no one is truly, fully, 100% good all the time. It’s impossible. And incredibly relevant when it comes to our three Main Boys, who are all so flawed and broken that it’s not even funny.

We’ll start with Wilford first. It’s easy to forget (for me, at least) all the things he’s done wrong because he’s such a goddamn sweetheart. But- and I won’t go into too much detail- here are some of his ‘crimes’: poaching, murder (several times, as the Colonel and as Warfstache), an affair with his best friend’s wife, with multiple other offences written somewhere in the detective’s study / office (I can’t be bothered finding them dhdjdjnej). Arguably, he also has reason for people to point to him being guilty: he broke his best friend’s heart to the point he tried to kill himself. Which.... is not good.

This is not me hating on William or Wilford as a character. Au contraire, I love them both. But it’s very rare that I see anyone admit Will’s fault in this, or Celine’s (without laying it all on them, naturally, but that’s another story). Will/Wilford is a complicated character who now seems to be far more good than bad (or simply just mad) and has atoned for the past, but more often than not, people overlook his crimes and mistakes and flaws.

The same with Dark, though honestly to a lesser extent. As far as we know, there is very little that Dark has done. We don’t know if he’s killed anyone (other than perhaps Actor in HEIST), we don’t know what his true crimes are because his role is still heavily influenced by the Actor’s bias. But Dark still has his faults and flaws. He’s obsessive and clearly incredibly angry and bitter over what happened, trapped somewhat in the past the same way that Wilford is in the present and Actor in the future. Once again, this isn’t me hating Dark (he’s one of my favourite characters dfhjvffhh), but simply pointing out the negative sides to him, rather than ignoring them. It’s to point out that people — and characters — aren’t 100% good or 100% evil (honestly, they’d be less interesting that way). That includes fan favourites.

Actor is probably the worst out of them. He’s delusional, painfully narcissistic, arrogant and a self-righteous asshole. Nobody is denying that. But underneath that, Mark also describes him as a ‘broken thing’: he’s not the man he used to be. Can he be easily seen as evil now, after everything he’s done? Yes. He’s murdered and he’s betrayed, but let’s not forget he too was murdered and betrayed. This doesn’t excuse what he’s done, but rather offers us insight into his thinking — an eye for an eye. In his eyes, the poker night (at the time) was justified. William and Celine and Damien all betrayed and hurt him, so he was going to hurt them.

Things didn’t go according to plan for him, though. I very much doubt murder was in his original plans, but alas, the Entity twisted his plans unrecognisably. (Whether or not he now regrets the poker night and his actions is up for speculation, and for another post sghcdgb.)

If it is Actor in HEIST and DATE (which I’m very inclined to say it is), it’s clear to me he’s changed: even slightly. Sacrificing himself over and over for Y/N, wooing them with dates and flashy heists, planning everything perfectly for them and giving them the choice on their adventures: now, this could just be me, but that sounds rather far from an evil man. Instead, it sounds to me like Actor knows he’s done bad things, but instead of trying to confront them, he simply runs away from them; he escapes from the reality he’s created by delving into fictional fantasies of adventure where he can finally be the hero.

And that’s not action of a man who is entirely evil. That’s action of a desperate man. A coward, perhaps, but not wholly bad or awful. “A pawn in all this”, as Mark describes him, unable to come to terms with the atrocity of the poker night and what he’s done to his old friends.

To Conclude My Answer!

Actor Mark is my favourite character of all time and has turned into a special interest of mine, but I hope he’s not redeemed. That being said, he is not an ‘evil’ character, and could certainly be redeemed if he ever fully escaped the Entity’s control and owned up to stone for the past (though being redeemed would almost certainly break him — another post for another time).

Everyone’s interpretations of Actorare valid, but I also think it’s important when writing him as close to canon as possible to remember some of Mark’s comments on him, and also to remember his past and how he’s been manipulated by the Entity into something different entirely. While doing so doesn’t excuse his behaviour or awful actions, it offers insight and a way to understand why he’s done certain things!

Ultimately, it’s up to Mark himself to canonise or develop the story and character arcs, which he has done so much already. I cannot WAIT to see where Actor and everybody’s stories end up going, and big preesh to him for making such a heartbreaking wonderful story!!!

If anyone would like to hear me rant more about Actor or the story of WKM and it’s sequels, leave a question or ask and I’ll certainly do it!!

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itsclydebitches · 3 years

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YYH Recaps: Episode 4 “Requirements for Lovers”

Hello, everyone! It's been quite a while, huh? Ah, the endless cycle of wanting to write and yet, astoundingly, not writing. I know it well.

Good ol' writer's block has skedaddled for a time though, so let's make good use of that and dive into Episode Four: "Requirements for Lovers."

Ohhh, YYH getting spicy with its titles 😏

Actually wait, I shouldn't be making dumb jokes just yet. First I want to acknowledge a slight change to future recaps: YYH, RWBY, and anything else I might try my hand at. Namely, a lack of pictures moving forward. A few weeks ago — months? I honestly can't keep track — tumblr implemented a new limitation where no post can have more than ten images in it. It's a move that, while I'm sure has its justifications, makes sharing analyses of visually-based media all the more difficult. I'll be doing my best moving forward to describe scenes as needed, as well as combining connected images together to stretch out my limit, but I'm not going to pretend that it'll be the same as getting the visual play-by-play we’re used to.

Tumblr certainly is a website, huh?

Anyway, we open on Yusuke once again lamenting the difficulty of hatching a spirit beast that doesn't immediately devour him from the head down. On the one hand this is an admittedly easy way to reset the story over the course of this arc — the storytelling equivalent of waking your character up each morning — yet I cannot deny that if I were undergoing a resurrection test, it would consume my every thought too. Can't really blame Yusuke for endlessly bringing the conflict up when the conflict is this deadly.

Well, deadly for a ghost, anyway.

Specifically, he's worried about how embarrassing it would be to get eaten by something that came out of an egg this tiny. I'm torn between reminding a fictional character that things grow — a pissed off chicken could kick my ass and it started out in an egg too — and just shaking my head over the absurdity of worrying about embarrassment when, you know, you would cease to exist. It's not even a matter of, "What if I die and then I'm embarrassed about it in the afterlife :( " Yusuke is already IN the afterlife. He's got nowhere to go but oblivion!

Luckily, Botan takes a more practical approach to these worries, pointing out that he'll be just fine provided he does some good deeds. Yusuke starts a rant about how do-gooders are only ever out for themselves.

Yusuke, you dumb-dumb, you're a do-gooder now. What was all that help for Kuwabara, hmm? As said, these early episodes exist in a semi-reset loop, where Yusuke needs to stew in his main character flaws for a while before any real growth starts to stick. Those flaws being, primarily, "I'm a pessimist" and "also I hate myself."

Case in point, Botan accuses him of always seeing the glass as half empty. Which, while true enough (outside of his confidence in fighting, anyway), by now we've got a pretty good sense of where Yusuke developed this attitude. He affirms this by talking about how Koenma's got him by the balls, "just another idiot abusing his power!" With an alcoholic mother and those teachers from last episode, it's no wonder Yusuke thinks this way. Mr. Takenaka's interest and Keiko's care aren't enough to combat the rest of Yusuke's experience, not when Takenaka is an outlier and Keiko is Yusuke's peer. Her desire to keep him on the right track reads only as an inevitability at best (the downside of having a perfect childhood friend), or a legitimate annoyance at worst. Or, as we'll continue to see in this episode, a way for them to flirt.

Is it any wonder Yusuke would sneer at Koenma's offer then, expecting the worst? The fact that Yusuke is still undergoing the challenge at all, no matter what he says, speaks volumes to me.

However, Botan is less than comfortable with his criticisms. She panics a bit at Yusuke insulting the (junior) ruler of the underworld so blithely. That, and the fact that he's carelessly tossing his egg around.

(Yes we’re using precious picture space for memes are you SURPRISED?)

Anyway, Botan isn't just concerned for the sake of concern. She cautions Yusuke against speaking too freely because there may be investigators checking in on his progress. No sooner does he ask what those investigators look like than one appears.

Thunder! Lighting! An energy so intense that Yusuke is briefly blinded! It is, as he says, quite the entrance. What kind of being could possibly be at the heart of such an astounding show?

Why, this teeny-tiny cutie, of course.

Remember, few appearances in YYH coincide with the character's true self. Would you ever assume this is the all-powerful investigator who holds Yusuke's future in her hands? Of course not. That's the point.

The investigator introduces herself as Sayaka and immediately demonstrates that she has no more patience for Yusuke's attitude than Botan does. "These damn kids," he mutters and my brain briefly blue screens because Yusuke. You're fourteen.

Plus, Sayaka and Botan clearly have some sort of eternal youth situation going on, so there's that too.

Sayaka is, in a word, fantastic. She pulls no punches with Yusuke, teleporting away from him with what can only be described as a shit-eating smile, all while refusing to tell him what exactly she's investigating. “I’m sorry, but that’s a secret!” However, Keiko is clearly at the forefront of her interest. She refers to her as Yusuke's "girlfriend."

Botan is more than happy to point Keiko out — because of course they're still following her around! — and pulls a Et tu, Brute? on Yususke, leading Sayaka right to her. Like most of the Underworld, Sayaka is rather shocked that the pretty, popular, scholarly girl is supposedly into the delinquent. It's the power of childhood friendship, you fools! Specifically, Sayaka references the "positive markings" that Keiko has accumulated, but the audience already knows by now that such markings are suspect at best. Yusuke himself is proof of that. So if his terrible marks don't preclude him from being a young kid's savior, should we really view Keiko's as proof of superiority?

I mean, Keiko is fantastic, but that's not really the point here.

Starting her own investigation into Yusuke's life, Sayaka begins with one hell of a bombshell: "There's no point in doing [the resurrection] if the people closest to you don't care." WOW. Not only is that a harsh assessment, it's one I don't think I can personally get behind. The offer to restore Yusuke to life is built on the acknowledgment that their system is flawed (even if there's no work to change or dismantle that system): they thought he was worthless, his sacrificial death seems to have proven them wrong, and now they want further evidence, in the form of this trial, that Yusuke is a good person at heart. The whole point of this challenge is to give him a second chance, with testimonies like Mr. Takenaka's emphasizing that Yusuke has always been capable of more, so long as he applies himself. This, as we'll see throughout the series, applies to relationships too. The Yusuke with one friend he play-fights with, a distant mother, and a school worth of kids who are terrified of his very name is not the future Yusuke they expect him to become, so... why base his resurrection on what he's already (not) accomplished? Granted, the show is very unclear about what, if anything, Sayaka will do if she decides that Yusuke doesn't have a life worth going back to (even if I have my own theory discussed at the end), but the fact that this is suddenly a factor at all seems grossly unfair, not entirely unlike Kuwabara's rigged promise. We as the audience know that people love Yusuke. Yusuke himself is beginning to acknowledge that. But if this fourteen year old delinquent truly had no one that wanted him back from the dead... isn't that all the more reason to allow a resurrection and give him the chance to build a life where he would be missed?

This stupid shonen got me thinking too much istg.

Yusuke, ever the self-deprecating pessimist, bypasses all of the above thoughts and jumps straight to, "It's clear if [Keiko] had any sense she'd want me gone." I'd find that attitude incredibly sad if I wasn't distracted by how cute Botan and Sayaka are, sitting on the oar together. The spirit girls who fly together, thrive together!

Botan starts teasing Yusuke about having a crush, which just feeds his temper and Sayaka's confusion. Deciding that she needs to gather more info, they follow along for an average day of school because these earlier episodes are, apparently, ghost-stalk Keiko hours.

We see her reading aloud in class from Heart of Darkness (not the easiest book for some middle schoolers), scoring a point during volleyball practice, refusing to let one girl cheat off her homework, but happily helping another who runs up with a question. So she's pretty, athletic, and academically successful, the trifecta for any good love interest. Sayaka is impressed not just with her "nearly perfect" scores, but also the maturity that Keiko demonstrates, such as maintaining her morals about cheating while remaining compassionate.

Actually, I really love the contrast this provides for us, the viewer. Meaning, Keiko is shown to be at her least mature when in Yusuke's presence. Not that her responses aren't justified, but watching her dramatically snatch gum from his mouth, slap him across the face, or pull crazed expressions as she yells at him is a far cry from this calm, poised, soft-spoken Keiko. It's a way to visually show us that she's comfortable in his presence, despite the suspect humor attached. Not that the Keiko we see at school is faking or anything — she is legitimately that kind and articulate — but we see that being with Yusuke allows her to relax in a way she doesn't with others. School!Keiko is, as Sayaka says, pretty much perfect, 24/7. Yusuke's Keiko is a little rougher around the edges, in a way that implies a multifaceted personality shining through.

However, the only conclusion our trio draws is that, given Keiko's accomplishments, any attraction must be one-sided.

Poor Yusuke lol.

In a plot move that is so ridiculously contrived, just as Yusuke is grappling with the accusation that Keiko couldn't possibly like him back, a "handsome boy" arrives to ask Keiko out. He says that he couldn't bear it when she stopped reading Heart of Darkness because he's fallen in love with her voice. "Will you be my girlfriend?"

Please excuse me while I lose my shit over how ridiculous this is. I legitimately straight up cackled when I watched this scene.

Luckily for Mr. Absurd, Keiko takes him seriously — and lets him down easy. She says she can't be his girlfriend and when he presses the "Why?", asking if she already likes someone else, Keiko confirms that she does. This is done through a shot of her feet. Not a POV shot given the angle, but close enough that it feels like we're stepping into Keiko's shoes (haha), shyly staring down at the floor in embarrassment and regret.

Rejection complete? The guy screams.

I mean he screams.

I mean this nobody we're never gonna see again unhinges his jaw and lets out an unholy shriek the likes of which makes me shriek in utter GLEE.

It's insane. It's wonderful. I'm going to use one of my coveted image spots to show you his face:

Look at that and tell me this show isn't amazing.

Okay, I'm focusing again. As Keiko runs off Botan and Sayaka start dragging Yusuke, teasing him about how Keiko chose him over that "charming handsome boy."

...Please scroll up and look at that image again. I find YYH's definition of "charming" and "handsome" to be hilariously wrong.

Yusuke, as per usual, throws himself into damage control, claiming that Keiko didn't say who she liked, so really it could be anyone. They're not buying it. “'I like Keiko' is written all over your face!” Botan crows. Meanwhile, Sayaka is scribbling in her little investigator's journal that feelings on both side are severely misunderstood. "Suggest serious counseling."

Fantastic idea, Sayaka. I'd personally suggest counseling for the whole dying/best friend getting resurrected thing... but relationship woes work too!

We cut to later when school is out and Keiko has gone over to Yusuke's. To say that Atsuko has done a poor job of keeping the house clean lately would be a serious understatement.

Keiko points out the old food and broken glass specifically, cluing us in that this isn't just a messy environment, but a dangerous one as well. This is proven when she accidentally knocks a stack of books over and a used bowl falls onto Yusuke's face. What's interesting is that Keiko says that things are "back to normal" now, though I'm not sure if that's in reference to the state of the house, or just the note Atsuko left behind, asking Keiko to take care of Yusuke while she's out. I'm inclined towards thinking it's just the note, partly because of Keiko's shock when she first arrives, because the house wasn't shown to be in this state prior to Yusuke's death (first image above), and because the note is accompanied by a great voiceover that makes Atsuko sound quite sloshed when she left. That's what's normal, the drinking and carefree attitude, not the state of her home. If we buy that reading, it allows for another fantastic look into Atsuko's mental state. If she's already an alcoholic, the trauma of her son's death and the following revelation that he's coming back might make her struggle in other ways. Like finding cleaning to be an impossible task.

She's depressed. It doesn't excuse the state she's left Yusuke in and, as previously acknowledged, YYH is definitely not a show interested in this nuance, but I still find it fun to take what little we've gotten and run with it.

However, Keiko is firmly on team "WTF Atsuko." She hurries to make sure Yusuke wasn't hurt by the falling bowl, bemoans him being "covered in garbage," and says that leaving him in this state should be considered a felony. Knowing it's far beyond her power to fix Atsuko's failings, Keiko swears to come here after school every day until Yusuke regains his body. It's as she's cleaning him of the dust that's gathered that Keiko becomes entranced with Yusuke’s features. Particularly his lips. The soft lighting returns, their theme song swells, and Keiko gets thiiiis close to kissing Yusuke for the first time.

Which is a little weird, right? I mean, we know why Yusuke is freaking out. Beyond the embarrassment of a middle schooler receiving his first kiss while two ghost girls eagerly watch on, he's made a hobby of denouncing his interest in Keiko to anyone who will listen. But for the average viewer — for Keiko herself — don't we care the he's, you know, dead? Or if not technically dead, very unconscious? Don't get me wrong, I fully understand the appeal of this situation in a generalized, cultural sense (with the side disclaimer that I'm reading a Japanese product through an American lens). Sleeping Beauty exists for a reason and there's definitely an element of that here: a gender-reversed setup where Keiko’s kills may break the "curse" of Yusuke's untimely death. Even his in-between state of being mirrors the "death like sleep" of the fairy tale. But when you strip away those Disney-esque thoughts, we're left with a girl about to kiss an unresponsive body, not as a common gesture of care (the parent who kisses their child while they sleep), but as a first time, romantic milestone.

It's a little weird lol.

But embrace the romance! As well as its inevitable interruption. Just as Keiko is about to land a peck, the neighborhood watch committee announces a heat and fire warning, startling Keiko out of her thoughts about Yusuke's "beautiful face." (There's another gender reversal for ya.) She gasps at her almost-action, conveniently remembers that her mom wanted her to do some shopping, and hightails it out of there before embarrassment can really kill them both.

So she runs off for food... in a sweater? The outfit is cute and all, but I wonder what the animators were thinking, putting Keiko in a puffy pullover during an episode all about a heat wave.

It's about at this point that the plot goes from cute romance to absolutely buck wild. The fires the neighborhood watch committee mentioned are not, in fact, due to the overwhelming heat, but an arsonist that's going around tossing molotov cocktails through open windows. Why is he doing such a thing? I don't know. Arsonists be doing arson, I guess. The important bit is that Yusuke's place is his next target, considering that Atsuko forgot to lock the windows when she went out. Within seconds all that garbage is set ablaze, quite obviously putting Yusuke's resurrection chances at an all time low.

"Wake up, stupid!" he shouts at his unconscious body. Mood, Yusuke. That's me every morning.

So this is a full scale emergency now and everyone is scrambling trying to think of something to do. Yusuke comes up with the idea to possess himself like he did Kuwabara — nice attempt at a loophole there — but since it would technically count as his resurrection, no dice. Botan decides to go get Kuwabara himself, even though he's too far away to do anything. It's still worth a shot. Sayaka, meanwhile, watches all this unfold with a somewhat clinical detachment. She's not quite indifferent and she's definitely not cruel... she’s just not as emotionally invested in this as the other two. Which not only re-emphasizes her purpose here, as an observer judging Yusuke, but also highlights the bond Botan is forming with him. As mentioned before in regards to her hanging out with Yusuke rather than ferrying souls, Botan is well past someone assisting Yusuke simply because it's a part of her job. He's her friend.

We get some shots of the growing fire which includes a hazy texture to the animation I quite like and then we cut to Keiko several blocks away, shopping bag in hand. Word of the new fire spreads, with one bystander mentioning that it's the twelfth today.

"This is eerie.”

“Yeah, I can’t help feeling we’re under attack.”

That's because you are! Someone stop that man!

Sadly, I don't think the arsonist is mentioned again, let alone captured. We'll just have to relegate that to my incredibly niche fic wishlist.

Keiko also overhears that the latest fire is on fourth avenue, which of course is where Yusuke lives. Recognizing that he might be in trouble, she takes off at a run.

Meanwhile, Botan finds Kuwabara practicing his kicks against a Yusuke dummy. Amazing resemblance, right?

Watching for the purpose of recapping, I'm picking up on a lot of details in the animation I quite enjoy. I don't think anyone would claim that YYH, at this point in time, has the most impressive or flashy animation (the fight scenes later are another matter entirely), but there's a clear love for the product that shines through. The scared expression on Kuwabara's dummy. His unexpectedly dainty kick, complete with pointed toes. Botan's more translucent coloring to emphasize her supernatural status compared to Kuwabara. There are a lot of nice touches despite the overall simplicity.

Plus, you can't forget the lovely irony of Kuwabara fighting a defenseless "Yusuke" while the real guy actually lies defenseless amidst a fire. We already know that despite his tough talk, Kuwabara would be horrified to learn that his friend rival had died (again) in such a manner.

Capitalizing on that transparency, Botan runs a hand through Kuwabara's back to catch his attention. He gets his "tickle feeling" and instinctively looks around towards Yusuke's house, seeing the smoke. "Something tells me I should go that way." Gotta love a guy who drops everything to chase a vague, supernaturally induced hunch.

As Kuwabara leaves we cut back to Keiko arriving at the house, staring in horror at the blaze. We get an audio flashback to her talk with Yusuke where she promised to take care of his body until he got back. So she tries to run in, only for a couple of the onlookers to snag her, quite correctly keeping her from undergoing a suicide mission. We learn later that Keiko absolutely would have died without Yusuke's sacrifice, so her "You cowards!" is born more of emotion than justified accusations. It's not cowardly to look at the raging inferno in a small apartment and realize that recklessly running in will only result in two dead teens, not one.

I mean, the flames are already right there, licking the door. Even if Keiko somehow managed to avoid burns, the smoke alone would do her in. Still, Keiko tries to mitigate the damage by dumping a bucket of water over her head. As a kid I remember thinking this was the smartest thing ever. Utterly inspired. Keep that in the back of your mind, kid Clyde, for future reference. As an adult... I have no idea whether this would actually help or not lol. Any firefighters doubling as YYH fans?

Recklessness and iffy precautions aside, I can't express how much I appreciate the story giving Keiko things to do. Yusuke recognizes that she's the only one with the maturity and open-mindedness to believe in his resurrection. She's the one picking up Atsuko's slack regarding his day-to-day needs. She never hesitates for a moment, heroically throwing herself into this blaze for Yusuke's benefit. Yeah, a lot of that still falls into the emotional/domestic sphere — what we expect of the love interest in a 90s anime — but too often action stories don't have a clue what to do with their non-action characters, not even when it comes to just supporting the fighters. They're simply... there. Keiko, however, isn't window dressing. Whether it's helping Botan survive an upcoming, supernatural plague, or cheering the team on at the Dark Tournament, Keiko is an important part of the story, despite lacking the fighting prowess of the rest of the cast.

Just as important, this episode establishes a core equality between her and Yusuke. We just watched Keiko reject a (presumably) accomplished guy for him, telling the audience that these surface differences — academics, power levels, popularity, looks — don't matter to them. Yusuke is not Keiko's lesser just because he doesn't have the same scores in Sayaka's book and Keiko won't become Yusuke's lesser just because she doesn't have spiritual power like he does. The only important thing here is that they love each other and they're both willing to sacrifice everything for the other. In the span of about ten minutes, Keiko nearly gives up her life for Yusuke and, in turn, Yusuke gives up his resurrection for her. The level of care they show towards one another is balanced, despite those differences.

They’re a good ship, y'all. Even if this recapping's got me noticing Yusuke/Kuwabara potential lol.

To get back to the plot, a drenched Keiko charges into the fire, yelling Yusuke's name for the drama of it because we all know he can't respond. Despite the audience (hopefully) recognizing Keiko and Yusuke's equality, that memo hasn't reached Yusuke yet. "You're a lot more important to this world than I am!" he yells, hammering home that despite everything — knowing he instinctively saved a child, watching his loved ones grieve for him, helping Kuwabara just because he can — Yusuke still, deep down, believes that he doesn't deserve to come back; that he doesn't measure up to those around him. The self-sacrificial nature this insecurity produces shocks Sayaka. She points out that if Keiko doesn't save his body, he's not coming back. "What's the point of being alive if Keiko has to get killed for it?"

Keiko means more to Yusuke than the rest of his living existence. Jot that down in your notebook, Sayaka!

Kuwabara arrives and runs into one of his friends who informs him that Keiko just went inside. “Yusuke’s girl? The one we saved from those thugs?”

BOY does that tell us a lot about their rivalry! I mean yeah, we've already established several times over that Kuwabara — just like Yusuke himself — is not the cruel street thug he'd like to present himself as. If these characters actually wanted to hurt each other outside of a martial arts challenge, don't you think Kuwabara would capitalize on the "Yusuke's girl" bit? Everyone seems to know that they have feelings for each other, but Kuwabara never once wields that as ammunition against Yusuke. There are no taunts about him not being good enough. Or rather, I should clarify there are no serious taunts — Kuwabara is well known for his teasing. There's also no attempt to steal Keiko out from under him, the common treatment of the love interest as a "prize" that many stories fall into. Indeed, later this episode YYH will deconstruct this a bit. Yusuke sees Kuwabara grab Keiko's hand and yells that he better not be getting "fresh" with her. But it's purely Yusuke's worries shining through. The audience gets a crystal clear picture of the situation and knows, categorically, that Kuwabara has only the most innocent of intentions in holding Keiko's hand.

(Well, running from the police isn't innocent, but...)

I keep getting sidetracked. Plot! Keiko makes it to Yusuke's room and finds that he is already on fire. She then proceeds to try and put it out by patting it with her hands. I take back what I said about Keiko's smarts in this scene. Now we know where that supposed recklessness comes from though. Apparently they're both immune to fire! Nothing to worry about here, folks.

JK she's actually in danger, despite the animation choices. By this point everyone, including Keiko, realizes that there's no way out: the fire has blocked the door. Sayaka then reveals that there is one way to save her. If Yusuke throws his egg into the fire, the energy of the spirit beast will release and guide her to safety. The catch? Hatch the egg early and it won't complete its intended function of guiding him back to his body. This beast is gonna guide one person and that is it.

Cue Yusuke's near immediate decision to sacrifice his life for Keiko's. Granted, it's not precisely one life for another. Yusuke's resurrection was always contingent upon the beast not devouring him whole — something Koenma claims would have happened at the end of the episode — meaning that it's not technically a fair trade. Yusuke might have sacrificed Keiko's life for his own... only to fail to get that life back anyway. (There's a tragedy for ya.) To say nothing of how Yusuke is currently dead and has been for at least a couple of days, whereas Keiko very much is not. There's some sort of philosophical discussion there about potential being pit against current reality.

BUT that's not the point! The emotional point is that he sacrificed his life for hers — the potential of his resurrection, the potential of that life he might have led — all technicalities aside. And I, for one, think that's very neat of him.

A blue light shines as the egg's energy is released, providing a lovely contrast to the fire surrounding them. A path forms to the door and Keiko, recognizing Yusuke's presence, follows it. "We'll make it, Yusuke," Keiko says, which is one hell of a sucker-punch now that we know she's just carrying a corpse. Unbeknownst to Keiko, Yusuke is very much not making it. That's the only reason why she is.

Kuwabara appears to help them the rest of the way which is also a pretty awesome thing considering that, from everyone else's perspective, the fire is still raging and blocking the door. Despite his spiritual awareness, Kuwabara gives no indication that he noticed this strange light, or Yusuke's hand in the rescue. Which basically means he lunged into a bunch of deadly fire for Keiko and doesn't question how in the world he isn't burned.

Keiko's hands are fine, Kuwabara's whole body is fine... fire immunity must run in the friend group!

Yusuke has another rare moment of vulnerability — "They're both okay" — and I cackle happily at the "both" because see. You love Kuwabara too, Yusuke! All this bluster about hating him and finding him annoying. The second he rushed into that fire you were crawling up the walls.

Except then that happiness gives way to something that sounds a little more shocked. Devastated. "Well, I sure am... relieved..." Kudos to Cook's voice acting. You can hear the exact moment Yusuke realizes what he's done. Not that he regrets it, but the consequences are finally sinking in. He's relieved that they're safe, yes, but now he's never going to be able to rejoin them.

As Yusuke has an(other) existential crisis, Kuwabara peels back the blanket Keiko had wrapped Yusuke in, revealing his face. “What are you doing with Yusuke’s body?! Are you some type of sick grave robber?” he shouts. God I love when a story actually keeps track of who knows what. Kuwabara, for all his recent involvement in the plot, doesn't actually know what's going on. From his perspective Yusuke died, he made a scene at the wake, he saved "his girl" from a bunch of thugs, lost a huge chunk of time only to wake up with her randomly hugging him (then slapping him), participated in a bet with his awful teacher and had a couple weird, Yusuke related dreams while studying, and has felt the presence of ghosts perhaps a little more frequently than usual. Now he's trying to help save Keiko from a fire only for her to reveal she risked her own life for Yusuke's body. Of course he's freaking out! What's she doing with that?

What's utterly fantastic though is that Kuwabara takes all of five seconds to process this and then enters immediate Ride or Die mode for Keiko. She's been hoarding Yusuke's body for undetermined reasons? Well, who is he to judge? The important thing here is that people are arrested for keeping bodies, so they've gotta skedaddle before the firefighters show up.

Hence, hand-holding and avoiding arrest.

As Yusuke starts threatening Kuwabara not to get "fresh" with her, Botan sadly reminds him that he no longer has a say in who Keiko does or does not fall in love with. The switch in tone is jarring. Whereas before Botan would have teased him mercilessly for the crush, now she knows that nothing can come of that — and it would be cruel not to remind Yusuke of that too.

"Oh no. I didn't think..." Yusuke whispers, further establishing that he knew the risks of using his egg, but hadn't allowed them to sink in yet. Now they have.

He gives a fake little laugh with, "Just when it was getting good" and I cry at the development in the span of just four episodes. Despite what I said at the beginning about the show resetting each week, there has been a lot of change thus far. Yusuke wants to live now! He wants to be there for Keiko! He looks down on his tiny family and screams at the unfairness of it all! They're talking about how they can't wait for him to come back and now that's never gonna happen!!

It hurts, friends. It hurts a whole lot.

During this conversation between Keiko, Atsuko, and Kuwabara, we see that a couple of hours have passed (it's nighttime now, the fire is out) and Atsuko is apologizing for putting them all in danger like that. And by that I mean yes, she does technically apologize with an "I'm sorry" and everything, but it's also a one sentence apology pit against... well, near death for the three people standing (and sitting) before her. Atsuko seems just as concerned by Keiko losing her hair as she does Keiko nearly burning to death and she kneels by Yusuke's wheelchair, baby-talking to him about how he forgives her, right? I love Atsuko, she's great, but objectively speaking she is not a good mother. Not right now, anyway.

Oh yeah, and just to reiterate that: Keiko's hands are fine after patting down Yusuke's on-fire body, but her hair, which I'm pretty sure never catches, has to be cut short. Ah, anime logic. Funny thing is, YYH isn't the only story to take the love interest and give her a cool, short cut thanks to a traumatic event. Anyone read Ranma 1/2?

During this conversation we also learn that, sometime between the fire and now, Keiko filled Kuwabara in on everything that's happening with Yusuke. Makes sense. He kneels beside the wheelchair, joining the others in telling Yusuke that they'll wait patiently for his return. Yusuke, above them, continues yelling about how they're waiting on a dead man.

“It can’t be helped. He made this decision on his own."

Except it can, in fact, be helped!

Just as all hope is truly lost, Koenma appears and announces that Yusuke will be returned to life. Why? Because sacrificing his egg for Keiko is a better indicator of his worth than the egg itself could have been. Despite feeding on his negative outlook and heading towards biting Yusuke's head off — something the animation backs up by showing us teeth during the fire

— Yusuke's act demonstrates a tendency towards being a "decent human being" that is "so rare." Wow. That's depressing. Still, yay that Yusuke has those qualities! And this, to my mind, helps explain Sayaka's presence. Koenma recognized that judging Yusuke couldn't be left to the egg alone and indeed, Sayaka took note of his worth before he ever threw the egg into the fire. First it was questioning why someone as amazing as Keiko would go for him, then it was solidified through the shock of Yusuke announcing that coming back to life was meaningless if she wasn't in it. Even if Keiko had somehow, miraculously escaped the fire before Yusuke's sacrifice, I bet Sayaka's report would have tipped him in resurrection's favor anyway.

Everyone is, of course, overjoyed and my heart swells at the intense gratitude Yusuke displays. My favorite part though is when Koenma cryptically says that “Your added experience with death could make you very useful" (a nod towards future events that goes right over Yusuke's head) and his response to this is a yelled, "YOU THINK I'M USEFUL?" This poor kid. The God of everything ever is chucking out revelations left and right, about resurrections and spirit beasts, but the only thing that really penetrates is the realization that someone thinks he's useful. Talk about relatable.

You know, I've been thinking about why this moment works so well. I mean, there are a lot of other stories where undermining the consequences our hero faces — either with humor, or by erasing them completely — can feel like the audience was cheated. I think YYH dodged that with a couple of crucial factors. First, Yusuke's consequence isn't something new that he's now avoided, it's just a permanent extension of something he was already dealing with. We did get to watch him inhabit the space between life and death, grappling with whether he'd ever be able to return. The story didn't deny us that growth, it just confirmed something we all instinctively knew: this tale won't end here with Yusuke permanently going to some afterlife. Second, the Deus ex Machina fix doesn't happen too soon. Yeah, it's only a couple of minutes in a single episode, but we (and Yusuke) still get to sit with that outcome for a while, soaking it in before its removal. Finally, there's no doubt that Yusuke earned this reprieve. Koenma's timing might be sudden and (if you're not genre savvy) unexpected, but looking back at the series as a whole thus far, we're able to agree absolutely that Yusuke deserves this. Far from feeling like we were cheated, this solution invites just as much celebration as we're seeing on screen, for the simple reason that we can buy into Koenma's reasoning. We know now that Yusuke is a good person. We saw him selflessly sacrifice his future for Keiko. We agree that he deserves a second chance.

Thus, the episode ends with Yusuke flying up to fill the screen in his joy, a far better, final shot than Harry Potter and The Prison of Azkaban managed 😰

And that's it for Episode 4, folks! See you later for Episode 5 💕

#YYH #Yu Yu Hakusho #YYH Recaps #mymetas

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deborahdeshoftim5779 · 3 years

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BBC Merlin 4x05: His Father’s Son

Here's a round-up of my main observations from BBC Merlin's "His Father's Son" (4x05).

1- MERLIN AS A KNIGHT

I have to admit that Merlin as a sorcerer and trusted adviser appeals to me the most, but I did write a lengthy post analysing how Arthur had turned Merlin into an excellent fighter. This refutes claims that Merlin gave more to Arthur than he received in return.

At the beginning of 4x05, we see Merlin selected to play a new role: that of knight. How did this come about? Arthur Pendragon is best known for his skills as a warrior, but he deserves more credit for his military tactics. These destroy the popular yet false idea that he is unintelligent. More on the latter in a forthcoming post.

One of Arthur’s favourite tactics is using decoys. Previous examples of him using decoys include: The Castle of Fyrien (3x07), when Arthur used Merlin as a decoy to entrap Cenred’s soldiers; Aithusa (4x04), when Arthur used himself as a decoy to get Sir Percival to safety; Arthur’s Bane Part 2 (5x02), when Arthur uses Merlin as a decoy to enrage the slave traders before they escape-- by far my favourite example.

All things considered, I don’t think it takes long for Arthur to choose Merlin. Furthermore, this decision may have taken place before they reached their selected location, as Agravaine later mentions a previous attack by Caerleon on the border. This choice demonstrates that Arthur has higher confidence in Merlin's abilities than he does of in his knights-- else he would have chosen them. We must conclude that Merlin is Arthur's best fighter, though at first glance, we wonder why an unarmed man follows trained knights into battle.

Merlin is sharp, fast, has high stamina, and is incredibly resourceful. Most of all, however, he is incredibly brave. In fact, when rewatching 1x02, I was surprised to see Arthur acknowledge that Merlin was "braver than you look." This despite Arthur’s frustration that Merlin did not try hard enough during practice ("Come on, Merlin: I've got a tournament to win!").

What’s more, in that same episode, Merlin complains about his first day, but later on, we see his fascination wth the ongoing tournament. Then he admitted to Gaius that working for Arthur (in the context of said tournament) "isn't totally horrible all the time." It took one day for him to change his opinion!

Sure, Merlin would continue to treat the fighting as pointless violence, and Arthur as having nothing more in his head than a desire to knock "the seven bells" out of other people (3x04). However, even in 1x02, when he applauds Arthur's fighting, his actions tell a different story. We associate this habit of liking something whilst pretending otherwise to Arthur, yet Merlin has it as well.

As I have said before, Merlin and Arthur have profound differences, yet are profoundly alike.

2- MERLIN AS A SERVANT

It comes as no surprise that Merlin would return to serving after the beginning of 4x05. However, what that change represents sets the tone for this entire episode: Arthur dismissing Merlin's counsel repeatedly in favour of listening to his uncle.

When Arthur says, "so please, stick to what you do know," you have to wonder whether Merlin remembered being entrusted with the role of knight. Now, Arthur puts him back in his place.

Here's another example: "My conscience is clean, which is more than I can say for my room, so just... do your job, will you?" Yet just yesterday, that job involved Merlin risking his life against enemy forces by dressing as a knight.

By the way, you can tell that Arthur doesn’t believe his own excuses, because he keeps using the passive voice to justify killing Caerleon: “...a show of strength was necessary… an example had to be made… My conscience is clean…”

Merlin’s face after Arthur claims he doesn’t need anyone is self-explanatory.

3- NEW THOUGHTS ON ANNIS

Is Queen Annis a good person? Actually, no.

First of all, she knows and approves of her husband invading foreign kingdoms to plunder their wealth. Such invasions naturally cost not only the lives of Arthur's men, but her own, too.

Furthermore, despite accepting Arthur's offer of a fight by single combat, she is prepared to cheat by enlisting Morgana's power. Perhaps if Arthur had died, too, she would have felt some remorse. Yet she still takes a monumental risk with Arthur's life in blatant violation of the knight's code. One has to wonder about her reaction had Camelot plotted against her armies in the same way.

Then we have Annis calmly ordering Merlin’s execution without giving him a chance to explain himself. The lack of emotion in her voice suggests she has done this before.

Speaking of cruelty, Annis’ champion seems to enjoy inflicting pain on his enemies, yet the Queen claims that he “served my husband well.” I dread to think what she means by “served”.

I will also note that Queen Annis disdains magic, referring to Morgana as “witch”. As I have said before, Uther did not begin prejudice against magic; sorcerers were disliked and feared elsewhere, too, including by those who disliked Uther. Many sorcerers caused this prejudice by engaging in manipulative, violent, and wicked deeds.

Examples include High Priestesses using Fomorrohs to enslave people’s minds (4x06); Cornelius Sigan using his power to change day into night and acquire vast wealth (2x01); sorcerers using special blades to murder people (3x04), and so on.

None of this takes away from Annis’ complexity, nor does it undermine her immense humility when she accepts defeat and withdraws from Camelot. After all, much of Annis' rage and desire for vengeance stems from intense grief over Caerleon's death, so we can assume her marriage was a happy one.

Forgiving the man who destroyed her domestic happiness (as well as leaving her people without a king) shows tremendous nobility on Annis’ part. I think Arthur sees that, for he is always humble and respectful before her.

4- LONG LIVE THE KING

Few people respect Arthur more than Merlin. So when he doesn’t join in with cries of “Long live the king!”, you know something is wrong.

5- CONTROL YOUR FEAR

Episode 4x03 has a hilarious scene where a drunk Arthur claims he isn’t even a little bit scared, because, “I’m a warrior. You learn to control your fear.” Then Arthur walks smack bang into a pillar. Never fails to make me laugh. Minus the drunkenness, Arthur was telling the truth about controlling his fear.

You can see this at least twice in this episode: first, when he sees how many men Annis has brought against Camelot, and secondly, when he sees the size of Annis’ giant. In both cases, Arthur harnesses his fear into determination, which is another sign of a great warrior.

Next up, we have a fascinating scene where Arthur watches his men joking by the fire. It's a great way of showing Arthur’s care for these men, as well as his guilt that impending war will end their lives. In a sense, Arthur has to control his fear yet again.

6- TRUST IN MERLIN

After the above scene, Gwaine asks Merlin if Arthur is all right, and the fact that Merlin can describe Arthur's feelings without even questioning the King once again shows the unique nature of their friendship. Merlin sees Arthur's expression, and he just knows. And Gwaine knows that, hence why he does not question the King himself.

Listen to the silence after Merlin's response. Nobody questions Merlin's judgement: they just reflect. Given the way Arthur has repeatedly dismissed Merlin's advance in favour of his uncle, I think he could have learned something from his own knights.

I wonder whether the knights would ask Merlin something about Arthur in this way, whenever the king was absent. In ancient kingdoms, kings had advisers, and in order to earn the monarch's favour, you spoke to the latter first. Did Merlin ever play that role for the knights?

7- MERLIN’S IDIOCY

Now, I have a problem with Merlin telling Arthur that 1)- he would have taken any other option but to face war with Annis, and 2)- his decision to kill Caerleon “was made in the best interests of Camelot.”

Sorry, but it wasn’t. Merlin knows that. I understand that he has to rally Arthur’s spirits so that they can win against Annis, but I am glad that Arthur knows full well he has done wrong. Both Merlin and many fans do not give Arthur enough credit for recognising his own errors.

However, even these foolishly optimistic statements pale in comparison to Merlin's reckless and self-righteous interference when Arthur negotiates with Queen Annis. I burst out laughing when he trips and falls headlong into the tent, a metaphor for his impetuousness.

Merlin eavesdrops outside Annis’ tent, gets caught (so he didn't conceal himself), and then has the audacity to say, “Sorry about this!” to Arthur! Not only that, he got angry over being called a “simple-minded fool”, when he couldn’t even walk in a straight line to follow the king, got himself caught and almost killed by enemy soldiers, and made Arthur look as though he were double-crossing Annis!

I completely agree with Arthur’s anger: “Oh, I was being kind, believe me: you almost got me killed in there!” Correct. Merlin simply could not trust that Arthur knew what he was doing, and decided to interfere. Instead of apologising for getting Arthur into trouble, Merlin remains on the defensive, claiming without evidence that Arthur was “doing a pretty good job of that yourself!”

This is untrue. Arthur surrendered himself to Annis’ men. The most injury he received was a slap. He asked a favour. That isn’t risking your life. In fact, Arthur was trying to save lives, and if Merlin had been listening properly (or just stayed in bed), he would have seen that. Only after Merlin’s sudden entrance did Arthur face serious danger from Annis.

Now, Merlin’s explanation for this is, “I’m your friend! I was looking out for you.” I don’t doubt it. But once again, Arthur is right: “I appreciate that in your very confused way, you’re only trying to help, but please: don’t do it again.”

Condescending? Of course. But this time it was Merlin who provoked him into this anger.

8- MORGANA

Despite all her power, Morgana still has to defer to non-magical kings and queens. After all, she requires their military assistance to take over Camelot.

You can also see how Queen Annis detects Morgana’s hatred, greed, self-righteousness, hypocrisy, and bloodlust. In one glance, Queen Annis begins questioning the wisdom of working with a sorceress she does not trust, not least on account of Morgana being a sorceress.

In fact, Arthur’s prowess as a warrior impresses her more: “You have as much to lose as I if Arthur wins…” Fascinating scene.

9- THANK YOU, OLD FRIEND

It’s ironic that arguably the best scene in 4x05 begins by showcasing Arthur’s cynicism. No guesses why Arthur did not tell Merlin about breaking off his relationship with Gwen earlier. That speaks volumes. If he had told Merlin, I think they would have had an argument similar to that of 4x11.

Only when Arthur realises that he may die does he ask Merlin to pass his ring onto Gwen with an apology. You can see the guilt etched onto his face as he refuses to make eye contact. Interestingly, Merlin does not ask any further questions.

Arthur’s entrusting Merlin to look after Gwen in the event of his death says a lot. For example, that ring is technically royal property, yet Arthur gives it to a servant for safe-keeping, rather than his next-of-kin, Agravaine. Despite claiming to need his uncle’s advice, Arthur will not trust Agravaine with such duties. Has Arthur made a medieval will or testament? Obviously, I have no idea, however, this episode already shows Arthur’s reliance on Merlin to deal with family matters.

Another interesting aspect to this scene is Merlin’s silence after Arthur makes an indisputable point. This dispels any idea that Merlin’s advice was always correct. On several occasions, Merlin had to defer to Arthur’s judgement, because he saw the truth and wisdom behind it. “I don’t know what will happen. But for the first time since I became king, I know in my heart I’ve made the right decision.”

Got to love Arthur’s half-amused, “You’re not about to start crying on me, are you?” He expects Merlin to be either in good spirits or confident, because that is how he, too, remains confident. Arthur is an optimist, yet Merlin becomes a pessimist, so the king must pull Merlin together with light and yet serious teasing.

Needless to say, Arthur calling Merlin “old friend” implies that they have been friends for a long time. So why do some fans still think that Arthur had trouble admitting that Merlin was his friend? Also, the word “old” in this context can imply reliability, constancy. Arthur chose that word to describe Merlin’s value, as well as the length of their friendship.

The great thing about Arthur is that while he makes some serious errors, when he does repent, he does so well. Not only does Arthur graciously thank Merlin for his concern, but he makes it clear to Agravaine that he relies on Merlin’s judgement prior to entering battle. This supports my earlier statement that Merlin is Arthur’s best fighter, as well as right-hand man; Arthur does not leave for the fight until Merlin has confirmed his readiness.

On top of this, Arthur later admits that he might be a cabbage head. “I should have listened to you, Merlin. Just this once, I think you were right-- even if you are the worst servant in the five kingdoms!”

By implication, Agravaine is wrong. Arthur won’t say that, of course, but we saw Merlin’s sound advice competing with Agravaine’s lies for this entire episode. We can only conclude that regardless of what he says, Arthur trusts Merlin more than members of his own family.

And this is a theme which will continue and grow for the remainder of Season 4.

FURTHER POINTS:

Merlin’s fighting skills

Paradoxes of Arthur and Merlin’s friendship

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haleigh-sloth · 3 years

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I'm new to manga and while I'm proficient at analysing other forms of literature, I'm finding it difficult to analyse manga, probably because of the artistic component. Do you have any advice on what to focus on when reading manga in order to analyse it well? If this question is too vague, you can disregard it, I am only asking because I find your analyses to be excellent.

Omg 🥺 It’s not vague! It seems like we’re opposites. I’m not well versed in literature, or writing in general, but I am an artist--which is why I love manga. I’ve been reading manga since I was 11 and I’m 24 now (I’m a nerd), so I’ve gotten pretty decent at knowing which panels the mangaka wants us to pay attention to! I’ll give some of the best examples I can think of off the top of my head.

So obviously you know by now that manga is all black and white. We do get some colored sheets every now and then that also have meaning (I’ll link to that post later), and I love when the authors give us those, but for the most part it’s all black and white. If you’re going to try to grasp the tones and meanings behind certain scenes in manga, the BEST advice I can give you is to pay extra attention to the shading more than anything else. Let me use the best examples I can think of when it comes to shading.

So look at Hawks here. Hawks is a hero, yes? A good guy, right?

Well...does he look like a good guy here? I’d say no. This use of shading was absolutely deliberate on Horikoshi’s part. I think we can all agree this was a really dark moment for Hawks (no pun intended). He stooped to a level nobody ever wanted him to, a level Hawks himself never wanted to. This scene being drawn this way tells us that we as readers are NOT supposed to approve of Hawks’s actions here. And NOW, because of the way this scene was drawn for us, all we are left to assume is that something bad is coming for Hawks. Basically, the consequences of his actions have not hit him yet. So even though we haven’t seen those consequences yet (it’s really frustrating waiting ngl), we know that we can expect there to be something dark in Hawks’s future. Many other meta bloggers predict his death, him dying heroically in order to make up for killing Twice. And man, that is very much possible, however I’m still waiting to see what more develops in Hawks’s arc before I make that prediction. Hori hasn’t given me any reason to believe that he’d actually kill off an important hero for the sake of the writing...yet.

Another example, and probably my favorite panel of Shigaraki so far because it’s gorgeously drawn (and sad as hell):

This panel is supposed to make you feel his despair. He’s surrounded by a black, static background, his figure is drawn with an insane amount of detail. You can tell just by looking at it that Horikoshi put a significant amount of effort into this one panel compared the ones that came right before it:

This is same scene, same chapter as the panel above, but the background and shading is totally different. I’m only showing this panel here to point out how important the panel above it is in comparison. One is a panel that is simply moving the chapter forward, the other is meant to stop you for a moment and make you react to it. Horikoshi made sympathetic villains, and that panel of Shigaraki practically begging people to understand was meant to evoke that sympathy from the readers to prepare them for his redemption.

There are probably a million examples from BNHA I could use to show you the importance of shading but I’m going to move over to one of my all time favorites: FMA

So this lovely fellow below, Roy Mustang, is a protagonist in Fullmetal Alchemist. Fullmetal Alchemist is a series with similar values to BNHA. It acknowledges the value of the human life. It acknowledges that once someone is dead, you can’t bring them back. It acknowledges that murder is wrong, no matter the reason.

Also, similar to how BNHA punishes the villains for their quest for revenge over and over again, FMA also portrays to readers the dangers of following the paths of revenge. There are two characters in FMA that show us that danger, one of which is Roy.

This is a big moment for Roy because he just discovered the person responsible for his best friend’s death. And now he’s out for blood. But this panel above tells you that this is a BAD IDEA. Shrouding him in darkness, not showing his entire face, hiding him in the shadows--it tells you that he’s on a dark path now.

Look here, this is kind of similar to how Hawks was portrayed above. Roy is standing over someone who he clearly has power over, someone he is about to kill out of revenge. Envy is a major antagonist in FMA right until his death, but simply because of the way Roy is drawn here, devoid of human emotion because again, you can’t see his face, Envy is almost sympathetic when he finally does die. (BTW, he does not die at Roy’s hand). Roy is a protagonist in this series, but here he’s drawn looking incredibly evil and scary--for a reason. You’re not supposed to approve of his actions. Roy set out for revenge and his narrative consequences came not too long after this chapter. So basically, just like with any other story:

character does something we know is supposed to be bad-----> something bad happens to character as a result

I’ll give one more example from a story that is not similar to BNHA or FMA in the slightest, but still uses that dark shroud in the same manner.

Say hi to Shigure from Fruits Basket. Shigure is kind of...an anti hero? He’s a real asshole. Now Fruits Basket is shojo and the stakes aren’t near as high or dramatic as BNHA so the tone is a bit different. But even with one panel here of this guy’s face, you get that dark, cynical vibe from him. And well, he is dark and cynical. If you read the story from the beginning up until here you can tell that he’s a shady dude (no pun intended again I’m so sorry), and low and behold he is one of the more questionable characters in this series. But this one darkly shaded panel is the introduction to that dark side of him as a character.

Basically in manga shading is tell all for how you’re supposed to interpret a situation. But aside from shading, the SIZE of the panels are also important. Those Hawks panels above took up entire pages. That Shigaraki panel took up an entire page. Those panels of Roy took up an entire page. Obviously the author wants you to pay attention to the story those panels are trying to tell. The words of the characters matter too, but sometimes you have characters whose words you can’t take at face value (*cough cough* Dabi *cough*) so you sometimes have to go off of the artwork alone.

Aside from the manga itself, mangakas also release colored prints along with their series. A lot of times these prints don’t have much to do with the events within the story, but sometimes they do. And I talked here about how Horikoshi really correlated all of his art of Shigaraki with the current place in his arc, and about how now that Shigaraki’s redemption is underway, he’s drawing Shigaraki in such a way that shows him growing closer to his hero counterpart who is currently on his way to save him, and also just portraying him in a less villainous manner than before. This isn’t always the case though. But Horikoshi did it and when that last color spread came out I got so excited I kind of just rambled with excitement lol.

SO I know it wasn’t much to go on but I really hope this helps you a bit more and what you were looking for! Shading is the most important since it’s all black and white, and then panel size is important too.

I hope you read more manga and join us in this hell! Lol

#manga analysis #art analysis #bnha #fma #fruits basket #boku no hero academia #Fullmetal Alchemist #fmab #fma manga #fullmetal alchemist brotherhood #furuba #fruits basket manga #shigure sohma #shigaraki tomura #bnha hox #art #anonymous

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companionship · 3 years

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okay one big post to get the finale out of my system! it's been lovely reading all of your analyses and reactions, and looking at all your amazing gifs and edits :')

fair warning: this is going to be so stinking long omfg

the things i enjoyed:

vincenzo remaining an anti-hero through and through, especially the fact that he didn't hold back at all when it came to myunghee and hanseok's death. he gave them a taste of their own medicine and then some forreal, their deaths were brutal but oddly satisfying, and i'm saying this as someone who usually hates violence/gore. throughout the show, they've always hinted at what he was Truly Capable Of and boy did we get to see it

vincenzo fumbling in hanseok's house and not being his usual self – a lot of people thought it was ooc, which i understand! i felt like that was the Point, to show that for once, he's not the invincible mafia consigliere that everyone thinks he is. what he did to the man who killed his mother and the army of security guards was a reaction, but this is the first time he's flustered, caught at a disadvantage, and faced with the very real possibility that he might lose somebody incredibly important to him. idk it made him more human to me

vincenzo literally not hesitating for even 0.1 seconds to fold his entire body around hers when he thought hanseok was going to shoot again – yeah that whole bit made my heart clench i feel like a crazy person i won't get over it

the chayenzo hospital scene... my god it was so tender my heart broke. the laugh they both shared, out of sheer relief that she's okay. the little joke about paying for the private room. the way not much was being said, but everything was being said at once. the way they looked at each other, as if it wouldnt ever be enough :( the quiet acceptance that this is their last night together, and that he's going to have to kill a bunch of people after this, but for now they have this. for however brief.

chayoung being chayoung – her big ass personality at the courtroom at the end after winning ms oh's case. her hopping around in those heels, looking elegant and sleek, mocking the hell out of rich conglomorates. she's in her element again and it made me so, so happy to see. i absolutely adore her, she's everything really. after all that loss and the whole ordeal, i'm glad she's able to return to what she does best: putting capitalists back in their place

mr lee being Very Much Not Dead – idk how i wouldve been able to handle it after witnessing hanseo's death like im glad he got the chance to be a dad

the kiss – my god....

the things i didn't like:

hanseo's death – lmao is it even a surprise... say what you will about his death being foreshadowed, but i really just hated hated it. i hate that hanseok won this one. i hate that hanseo worked so hard to redeem himself, only to lose it all. i hate that he was given a taste of what a real family was like, and then having it taken away so cruelly. even though i said above that i didn't mind that vincenzo was ooc at the mansion, i was still screaming at the screen because there were plenty of opportunities for the situation to be reversed. i don't necessarily blame vincenzo for hanseo's death, but i do wish that they had a funeral scene for him. i wish they acknowledged his sacrifice, and how pivotal he was in turning the tables. if not for hanseo, vincenzo really couldn't have pulled any of this off, from the interpol tipoff to the tracking device in the watch. idc idc hanseo is in malta rn, enjoying the sun and the beach, going to therapy, and teaching the local kids how to play hockey even though there's no ice :(

chayoung being bedridden the whole finale – like... NAH lmao this aint it chief... if things went my way, she wouldve gotten out of the hospital depite her injury and dealt with myunghee before handing her off to vincenzo. i loved their animosity for each other, and i wanted chayoung to be the one at myunghee's apartment waiting for her, rubbing it into her face. i wanted chayoung to verbally finish myunghee with that sharp ass tongue of hers and really dump a load of salt on her wounds. then vincenzo could do whatever the hell he wanted. you could argue that the show is called Vincenzo but i really dont care lmao it started with chayoung avenging her dad and she should've been able to strike the final blow. also what was her big second party? are we really just going to ignore her capacity for evil? after all that moral work done, after that time she spent coming to terms with using evil to combat evil, we're just going to... keep her bedridden? park jaebum u will pay for this

vincenzo losing his family – besides hanseo's death, i think this was what i hated the most from the ending. the start of the show showed us vincenzo's departure from the mafia with the very clear intention of Not Returning. the capo died, his loyalties lie with no one, paolo can suck it. throughout the show, we see him repeat over and over that he wants to get the gold and skip off to malta to enjoy a peaceful life there, while reflecting/repenting for the things he's done. vincenzo was gearing up for a lifetime of solitude. the whole point of the show was for him to find a real family and have a real chance at happiness. park jaebum really said FUCK THAT! we're gonna have him ditch the family that he built from scratch with the love of his life and then make him return to the family that tried to kill him AND make him the capo... pjb said we're gonna separate vincenzo from the family that accepts his past and sees it as a strength and not a weakness. the family that was formed out of solidarity, the family that he fought for and fought alongside with blood, sweat and tears. not to mention the goddaughter of his? sorry i would laugh if it didn't actually rile me up so bad

vincenzo not being able to come back to korea – i've said this in another post of mine, but given that he is The Vincenzo Cassano with all those resources at his disposal (guillotine file, mr ahn/mr cho/the chief etc.), the fact that he isnt even able to stay in korea for 30 fuckin minutes after finishing hanseok was ridiculous. the whole police chase was dumb as hell considering that the show has managed to stop politicians and mf presidential candidates from going after him like ? huh LMAO park jaebum had an on-demand pigeon army in this show and Yet he can't stop like 10 suddenly-righteous policemen. another big ass HUH

chayenzo (here we go...):

NOPE! i've reflected on the ending and decided that i'm going to be petty and salty for a while more before coming to terms with it

i can rationalise and try to be positive and tell myself that their love is enduring can transcend space and time and that in due time, they will find their way back to each other, and i have no doubt that they will because they're one soul in two bodies. it's quite literally canon that they're soulmates.

but let me wallow for a second

here we have two people who have done questionable and terrible things in their past coming together, growing together, grieving together, fighting together... you get the gist of it. you have two people who have found a home in each other. two people who, for all intents and purposes, were about to live in a whole lot of bitterness and solitude if not for each other and the life they built together (chayoung didn't have friends like that, and her family is gone too). to separate them like that at the very end is cruel. i know chayoung and vincenzo are mature and incredible and will be able to function without the other next to them. i know that they will still excel as lawyers and will defeat evil with their underhand methods the way they do so well but my god are they going to feel the absence and miss each other

my point is that they shouldn't have to. from what i could tell, they can't even communicate on a regular basis bc he'll be tracked and whatnot, hence the postcards. a postcard every month is a poor substitute for all those nights they stayed up drinking makgeolli and celebrating their wins. its a shitty replacement for coffee dates and fist bumps and all the moments in between. after everything they've been through, after literally fighting to death for their family, they don't deserve this. they don't deserve to meet up once a year for a couple of hours. they don't deserve pockets of time in malta or korea, their life in a perpetual countdown to when they're going to see each other next

they both deserve love and some semblance of peace (finally finally). they both deserve to have someone to come home to after a hard day of work, because doing what they do cannot be easy. they both deserve a family, deserve to have someone next to them that accepts their past and would embrace their future. they both deserve a hand to hold and a shoulder to lean on. i know they will still be It for each other despite the distance, i just wish the distance didn't even exist in the first place bc its stupid and cruel and their love shouldnt have to be proven or tested with time and space. let them stay together. let them grow together. let them be.

side note: song joongki and jeon yeobeen need another project together idc take it up with god

tl;dr: park jaebum u will be paying for my therapy bills

#vincenzo #tvn vincenzo #this was cathartic #if u made it to the end here's ur kiss #this is more for archival purposes than anything #also this is what happens when my best friends arent caught up yet and i have no outlet

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addictedtostorytelling · 3 years

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Hey! I’m a HUGE fan of your CSI analyses!!! I’m only catching up to them now as this is the first time I’ve rewatched CSI since 2015. I’m not sure if you already made a post about this but I guess I just want to hear your opinion on it: do you think Sara knew that Gil was going on a sabbatical? I’m not sure as to what the general consensus is when this episode aired as I didn’t watch it live but from what little I’ve read on old forums and reviews, they think she first heard it along with the lab. I personally didn’t think that’s the case - I think he would’ve told her. When she told him “so you’re going”, it wasn’t really a question. Do you think they had a talk about it? Would Sara have encouraged him or would she be - well, not opposed - but not a fan of it? I mean at this point they’ve been dating for around more than a year, right? the only reason I could think of as to why the “goodbye” felt so impersonal is that they already said their goodbyes in private. But also: wouldn’t she have driven him to the airport? Or is it just to keep their cover? But friends drive friends places right? Ah sorry I’m just rambling now, I’m having a lot of feels - Sara looks so sad, my heart is breaking

hi, anon!

thank you so much for your kind words. i’m glad you enjoy my analyses. ❤

i do have a couple of old metas about the scene in question posted in this tag, but my understanding has changed somewhat since i initially wrote them, so i’ll add my current take here under the “keep reading,” if you’re interested.

long response below.

__________

before we dive in, an acknowledgement:

you know how with icebergs, only 10% of the thing is visible, and the other 90% is underwater?

gsr is like an iceberg in that at any given time we (as the viewing audience) are only seeing and/or hearing about the barest fraction of what’s going on between them, while the majority of their relationship is unfolding off screen, completely inaccessible to us.

any discussions that grissom and sara have regarding his sabbatical prior to his departure in episode 07x11 “leaving las vegas” are, unfortunately, part of that “underwater” portion of the ol’ gsr iceberg.

since we don’t actually get to see said discussions take place or even hear about them after the fact (if indeed they happen at all), everything that follows here will essentially be conjecture.

i’ve got a lot of gut feelings based on my read of these characters and this arc, but i can’t really do much to substantiate them because i don’t know enough about what is going on between grissom and sara off-screen during this time.

with that admission in mind, let’s start by recapping what happens around the scene in question just to give ourselves some context for this discussion:

the beginning of s7 between episodes 07x01 “built to kill,” pt. i and 07x10 “loco motives” sees the usually indefatigable workaholic grissom perhaps for the first time in his career showing signs of professional burnout. the depravity he encounters on a nightly basis is starting to weigh him down, and especially with cases involving children and innocent victims. the puzzles which once invigorated and intrigued him now just give him a headache—sometimes rather literally. he appears distracted, disappointed, and exhausted both at the lab and in the field.

in the meanwhile, completely separate from his discontentedness at work, grissom continues to have a romantic relationship with sara, whom he has been secretly dating for almost two years now. despite his malaise otherwise, he is very happy with her, and she with him. she is one of the few things during this period that makes him smile.

through these first ten episodes, grissom, sara, and the team work the first leg of what will be the season-spanning miniature killer serial case. after exploring many false leads and dead ends, they eventually identify one ernie dell as their prime suspect; however, before they can have him arrested, he kills himself while livestreaming (see episode 07x10 “loco motives”). since the killings stop immediately in the wake of his death (and don’t start up again until after grissom’s sabbatical much later in the season), the team incorrectly assumes that dell was indeed to blame; they remain as of yet unaware that his adult foster daughter natalie davis is actually the culprit. they therefore consider the case closed.

having previously been invited to teach a four-week graduate seminar at prestigious williams college in williamstown, massachusetts as a visiting lecturer (see episode 07x08 “happenstance”), grissom now takes the opportunity to do so, feeling at liberty to leave vegas for a while since the miniature case has been wrapped.

he does not inform the majority of the team of his decision to go on this sabbatical until the day that he is set to depart for massachusetts.

the circumstances surrounding grissom’s decision to go to williams and sara’s role in said decision are unknown to us. while episode 07x11 “leaving las vegas” suggests that there is some tension between the couple surrounding grissom’s departure, we’re not told what the nature or source of this tension is.

grissom departs vegas at the end of episode 07x11 “leaving las vegas,” which takes place on 01.04.07 within the universe of the show. he remains in massachusetts teaching at williams between episodes 07x12 “sweet jane” and 07x14 “meet market.” he then returns to vegas during the events of episode 07x15 “law of gravity,” which takes place on 02.08.07 within the universe of the show. his seminar runs for a little over four weeks, and he is absent from vegas for five weeks in total, accounting for travel time. during this time, sara is shown to experience anxiety regarding his absence, and he himself is shown to miss her.

in episode 07x13 “redrum,” sara receives a package containing a cocoon on a twig from grissom. sara places the cocoon in a vivarium in grissom’s office and intermittently visits it there for the duration of his sabbatical.

in episode 07x14 “meet market,” grissom writes sara a love letter which notes their awkward parting, explains how difficult it is for him to put his feelings for her into words, and quotes from shakespeare’s sonnet #47 in an attempt to better express what those feelings are. however, he ultimately does not send sara the letter while he is away and instead brings it home to vegas with him at the end of his sabbatical. sara later discovers and reads the letter at their condo in episode 07x22 “leapin’ lizards.”

while grissom is gone, team graveyard experiences friction under catherine’s leadership, particularly after she and new-to-the-lab csi level iii michael keppler dupe the team into unknowingly participating in a “reverse forensics” operation in order to bait a suspect in another homicide case (see episode 07x13 “redrum”).

when grissom returns to las vegas in episode 07x15 “law of gravity,” his reunion with sara is a happy one, with no hint of underlying tension. however, sara’s nervousness regarding whether or not grissom fully reciprocates her feelings and/or considers their relationship as permanent as she does continues until much later in the season, when grissom finally provides her with some unmistakable proofs that he deeply loves her and wants to be with her in the long term (see episodes 07x21 “ending happy,” 07x22 “leapin’ lizards,” and 07x24 “living doll”).

now, let’s take your questions one at a time, okay?

first off, does sara know that grissom is going on sabbatical prior to the day of his departure?

when answering this question, i used to say “no” or at least “if so, she doesn’t know he’s leaving much in advance beyond when the rest of the team finds out.”

however, now i think differently.

here’s why:

by s7, grissom and sara are almost certainly living together, and because they are, i think that unless he were being very purposefully duplicitous and going out of his way to deceive her, it would be very difficult for him to accept an out-of-state teaching position, generate a course curriculum, and ready himself to travel to the other side of the country without sara ever becoming aware of what he was doing.

the kind of work that grissom has to put in in order to get his williams seminar up and off the ground is not unsubstantial.

he is going to be elbow-deep in prep, and hiding what he is doing from the person he lives with would be immensely difficult given not only the volume of tasks he has to do but also his time constraints for doing them.

when one starts teaching at a new university (whether as permanent faculty, adjunct, or visiting), there is a lot of administrative back-and-forth that goes along with taking on that new appointment.

baby boy has a syllabus to craft, course materials to procure, a schedule to work out, and readings to decide upon—and since his class also includes an online component, he also has to set up his online learning space and upload all of the necessary items to the web.

in addition to having to pass background checks, complete training modules, and submit all sorts of identification (which he might have to do via fax or email given that he is not yet on campus), he also has to engage in lots of remote communication with the department he is joining just to work out the specs and logistics for his course.

in the weeks leading up to the start of the semester, he likely receives and has to reply to dozens of emails. he is undoubtedly on the phone with the department secretary multiple times and also attending multiple virtual meetings and training sessions (which were a thing even back in 2007).

he has to place his textbook order with the campus bookstore, talk to liaisons from various campus agencies, and make sure his course is listed correctly with the registrar.

prospective students are very likely reaching out to him, asking about the work requirements for his class and trying to see if they can add or drop, as needed.

there’s a lot of administrivia—and grissom must attend to all of it while sara is at home with him.

i mean, they work nights together, and then they come home, have a few precious waking hours between the morning and early afternoon to share each other’s company, go to sleep during the late afternoon and evening, rise, and return to work again at night.

at least when they’re not working double and triple consecutive shifts.

their shared waking time at home just so happens to coincide with regular business hours, so if grissom has a phone call scheduled with the dean, department head, and/or department secretary at williams ahead of his arrival, then he’s making it while sara is in the next room, able to overhear him.

he’s also emailing the campus bookstore from his laptop while she’s sitting on the couch beside him watching tv.

he’s got pages and pages of mosquito palp diagrams spread out over their bed as he searches for the right one to match the lecture he has planned for day #3 of the seminar, and in the meanwhile she’s getting ready to turn down the covers so that they can go to sleep as soon as he’s done.

he’s asking her, “honey? have you seen my copy of deborror and delong’s introduction to the study of insects? i could have sworn i had it on this shelf, and i need to check it for the reading list—,” and she’s reminding him, “you mean the seventh edition? you left it on your desk.”

and then on top of all of the academic prep, she’s also watching as he packs clothing and amenities enough to get him through five weeks of new england winter, books himself airplane tickets, and says goodbye to the dog.

of whom, by the way, she will be the sole caretaker while he’s gone.

so she knows he’s going before he goes.

she absolutely does.

there’s just no way to hide all of that readying from your spouse when the two of you live together and share a very restricted schedule for getting things done during daylight hours.

the show might insist—however unrealistically—that the other members of team graveyard don’t learn about grissom’s sabbatical until the day he ships off to mccarran, but sara’s well-aware of what’s happening prior to that point.

she has to be.

so.

next question:

wherein lies the tension we sense in grissom and sara’s goodbye scene in episode 07x11 “leaving las vegas”? if sara already knows that grissom is going, then why does she seem so upset to see him leave? doesn’t she support his decision?

the short answers to these questions are:

the tension lies in grissom and sara’s different understandings of the significance of his decision to temporarily leave vegas and in many unspoken feelings between them.

even though sara does know about grissom’s sabbatical in advance, she still appears upset when he leaves because she worries that his decision to go reflects a lack of investment in her and their relationship on his part.

she does support grissom’s decision to go, but she also worries immensely about its implications for her and their relationship.

to elaborate:

as you mention, sara’s “so you’re leaving” isn’t a question but rather a statement.

however, it’s not exactly one that makes her sound pleased with or even fully reconciled to the idea of grissom heading off on his own.

sara’s body language in the scene further suggests displeasure and guardedness on her part; she’s got her arms crossed over her body like a protective barrier, her voice sounds choked up, and when grissom finally exits the locker room, her expression appears distressed, as if she were on the verge of tears.

for grissom’s part, he looks and sounds awkward, like he doesn’t exactly know how to comport himself, given the situation.

of course, even if sara fully supports grissom going to williams, it makes sense that she still might be sad to have to say goodbye to the man she loves, knowing that she’s not going to see him again for over a month.

it also makes sense that she would be guarded, given that they are at work and they have to be careful not to reveal their romantic relationship through either their words or their actions toward each other.

because, after all, anyone could walk into the locker room at any time and see her and grissom together.

that said, there’s more to sara’s behavior here than just her sadness to part from grissom and her carefulness not to get them caught.

“sadness” and “carefulness” are, after all, not necessarily equivalent to “tension,” and there is some palpable tension in this scene.

to get an idea of where this tension comes from, i think we have to take a step back and look at sara’s larger story arc for the season, beyond just this scene.

by this point, grissom and sara have been together since mid-s5 or early-s6. they’re living together and sharing a life but still keeping their involvement with each other on the d.l. while at work. on the one hand, they’re very happy together, but on the other hand, their situation is not without its complications.

in addition to having to keep their relationship a secret from the world, another stressor for them is that they happen to have different love languages from each other, with grissom primarily expressing his love through acts of service and gift-giving, while sara primarily recognizes love through words of affirmation.

this difference between how grissom expresses love and sara recognizes when she has received it lies at the root of sara’s s7 arc, which sees her questioning the extent to which grissom reciprocates her feelings and envisions a long-term future for them as a couple. that he seldom verbalizes what’s in his heart causes her concern. ditto for the fact that he seems (from her perspective) very comfortable with keeping their relationship a secret.

as i talk about in this post,

sara’s main storylines in s7 revolve around her 1) concealing her relationship with grissom from their coworkers, and, 2) “wondering if grissom views their relationship in the same way she does and if he feels as deeply for her as she does for him.”

by this point in her and grissom’s relationship, she is 100% in—“grissom or no one,” “we’re sharing our lives,” “if he popped the question, i’d say yes,” “till death do us part” in.

and about 90% of the time, she believes that grissom feels the same way as she does.

but then there are still those few lingering doubts.

most days, she is highly aware that many of the insecurities she has are a her thing—that she has trust and self-esteem issues rooted in her childhood trauma, and they’ve got nothing to do with grissom, per se; they’re just byproducts of growing up under the circumstances she did (i.e., living in an abusive household for the first nine or ten years of her life and never being adopted out of foster care thereafter).

armed with knowledge of her own tendencies, sara is typically able to talk herself out of these kind of “oh my god, but what if he really doesn’t love me as much as i love him? what if he leaves me?” spirals—and especially when grissom is present and able to prove to her through his demonstrably affectionate and devoted behavior that he loves her deeply and isn’t going anywhere.

but then there are occasions—few and far between though they are—when something in grissom’s behavior—something outside of sara’s head—actually serves to stoke her doubts.

maybe he says or does something insensitive.

maybe he is uncommunicative about his feelings when she really, truly needs him to be otherwise.

maybe there are moments when she perceives that he fails to match her intensity—that she feels like she loves him so much she can hardly breathe, but he doesn’t seem to reciprocate, or at least she can’t be sure if he does or if he feels to the same degree that she does, and the uncertainty kills her...

still.

as long as these occasions when something in grissom’s comportment toward her or their relationship throws her off happen at intervals with lots of solid, faith-building, “we’re on the same page” moments in-between, sara is good; she can talk herself down off of whatever ledges she gets on, contented in her knowledge that grissom loves her, and she loves him, and their relationship is built to last.

she only ever truly gets tripped up when for long periods of time, those solid, faith-building, “we’re on the same page” moments don’t happen—like, say, when grissom goes on a five-week sabbatical on the other side of the country from her...

in this case, him leaving her behind on such awkward terms + her tendency to doubt her own lovability = a recipe for disaster, which comes to a head in episode 07x14 “meet market,” when her conversation with jesse at the host club causes her to wonder if she’s going to have to keep waiting her whole life for grissom to truly “sweep her off her feet” (i.e., to invest in their relationship to the extent that she has).

she doesn’t altogether doubt that grissom loves her, but she does worry that maybe he doesn’t see their relationship as a life partnership in the same way that she does—or that perhaps he is somehow cooler in his affections toward her than she toward him.

one of her biggest fears is that she has somehow come on “too much, too quickly”—that while she’s already thinking wedding bells, he’s still back in the “we’ll see where this goes” phase and will freak the fuck out once he realizes that she’s been so far gone for him from day #1.

she probably can’t help but think back on the times before they were dating when she would “come on strong” and he would spook and emotionally retreat, which is what happened when she first moved to vegas and then later when she asked him out after the lab explosion (see episode 03x22 “play with fire”); she does not want a repeat of those experiences now that they’re actually in a relationship.

grissom choosing to go away on sabbatical for a month stabs at the heart of all of sara’s insecurities, and therein lies the tension and upset that we see in the scene in question.

in addition to the facts that she’ll miss him while he’s gone and that she can’t even properly say goodbye to him given that they are at work, sara is standing there wondering if the very fact that grissom is leaving bodes ill for their relationship and what his decision says about his feelings for her overall.

she’s feeling incredibly vulnerable and not getting any of the reassurances she might need in order to talk herself out of her fears. she’s tense because she is in emotional freefall and bracing for the worst.

—and that brings us to the matter of whether or not she actually supports grissom going on sabbatical in the first place.

i’m not sure when exactly in his decision-making process grissom first talks to sara about his plans to go on sabbatical.

she knows about them at least by the time he starts prepping for his course and getting ready to leave town, of course, but what about before then? is there a chance that he consults with her as he’s still deliberating whether or not to go or does he make the decision unilaterally only to then tell her about it after the fact?

in any case—and, honestly, i can see him going either way on this one; either asking her because he needs some encouragement to do something that’s out of his comfort zone or neglecting to do so because he is only thinking in terms of the professional and doesn’t really consider that his decision has any bearing on his personal life—i think that sara’s reaction would be the same.

her m.o. would be to outwardly support him—to say, “yeah, absolutely! that’s a great opportunity. it sounds awesome. you should go.”

she would be the supportive girlfriend, because that’s just how she rolls.

and, honestly, her expressed sentiments here would largely be genuine.

she knows: williams college is a great school, and the gig they’re offering grissom is a good one. being paid to travel out east and talk about something he’s passionate about for a few weeks is a sweet deal.

particularly if she is aware of the professional frustration he has been experiencing at the lab as of late, then she probably does support him going and knows that his doing so will benefit him.

because she loves him, she wants him to experience good things.

—it’s just that she also supposes that for as much as him going will be good for him, it will also be bad for her.

remember: sara often doubts her own lovability (much as grissom does his), and she’s had experiences with grissom in the past where she feels she’s come on too strong and “spooked him off.”

she is absolutely ready to commit to him forever, but she’s worried he isn’t on the same page—and the fact that he’s “running away” to the other side of the country for five weeks does nothing to assuage that concern.

she considers that if he is willing to leave her (even just for a month), it may be a sign that he’s tiring of her altogether. she also considers that he may be ready to overhaul his life top to bottom and that taking this appointment at williams is his means of “testing the waters” before he does so.

his going touches on some already exposed nerves for her.

one of them is the secret status of their relationship.

not only can sara not say a proper goodbye to grissom in the locker room, but she also can’t publicly acknowledge how much she misses him while he’s gone.

since she and grissom live together, she can’t very well invite warrick, catherine, nick, and greg over after shift to hang out and keep her company in his absence. she also is unlikely to go out on the town with anyone on the team, just because, by this point, she’s been with grissom for a couple of years already, and her social life has evolved in such a way that she’s not really in the habit of spending time with any of her coworkers besides him outside of work; frankly, it would be strange for her to call up any of the other team members out of the blue and invite them out to the bar or to accompany her to a museum or what have you.

so there’s an isolation and a loneliness factor in play.

but there’s also just the whole weirdness of not being able to acknowledge the biggest, most important part of her life to anyone besides grissom himself.

in some other, better world where their relationship status were public, she could maybe go with him to or at least visit him in williamstown for a weekend or two during the time he planned to be away. she could keep a countdown to his return running at work, undoubtedly earning some ribbings from the boys about how pathetic she was but also their support and encouragement. “just two more days until the bug man is back. you’ll make it.” maybe catherine would take pity and take her out for drinks after shift some day. maybe she could walk into and out of the building on the phone with him and not have anybody say boo.

but that’s not her reality.

her reality is that grissom has packed up and left her for a month, and because no one can know about their relationship, she has no choice but to sally forth, pretending that nothing is wrong in her life, even though she is anxious, lonely, and missing him so much her arms actually ache.

having to feign unaffectedness in his absence just highlights how bizarre and untenable their living circumstances are.

the whole situation probably causes her to question how long they can keep doing things in the way that they are and if there’s ever going to be a finish line to this “secret dating” race that they’re running.

it also likely causes her to question if grissom is at all as uncomfortable as she is with their current status quo.

does he ever feel trapped like she does? guilty? isolated? like their whole life is some kind of surreal tragicomedy?

is he ever going to want to come clean at work that they’re together?

for how long are they going to keep up the pretense?

for as long as they do, their relationship will always in some ways remain in a state of suspended animation.

it’s not like they can get married if they’re living a double-life like this, right?

of course, this line of questioning undoubtedly plays into what (i think) is perhaps the biggest source of anxiety for sara regarding grissom’s departure overall.

namely, her concerns about how his feelings compare to hers.

as discussed above, she knows for herself that grissom is the love of her life and that she wants to be with him forever, but if he can abruptly decide to just up and leave her for a month without seemingly having a second thought about doing so, she’s got to wonder if he feels the same.

when he comes to her either floating the proposition of the sabbatical or else having already made the decision to go, she probably questions why he feels the need to leave at all—if perhaps she’s done something to drive him off or if there’s something lacking in her to where she’s not fulfilling his needs.

at this point in her life*, she can’t imagine ever willingly leaving him for an extended period of time, so the seeming ease with which he makes the decision to leave her for over a month causes her to feel very insecure indeed.

* that she does eventually depart vegas in s8 and s9 speaks to just how dire her situation is at that point—that she literally feels as if she has no other viable choice but to go or else do irreparable damage to herself, grissom, and their relationship.

we don’t know to what extent sara is aware of grissom’s professional burnout at this point, though there are some indications throughout s7 that she has noticed that he’s not exactly been his usual workaholic self as of late (see, for example, her reaction to his behavior in episode 07x10 “loco motives”).

if she is aware that he’s been struggling, then she may worry that she seemingly hasn’t either been or done enough to uplift him. she may also worry that if his malaise gets bad enough, he will be tempted to simply walk away from everything in vegas—herself and their life together included.

her fears about being unlovable certainly loom large, to the point where when he approaches her about the sabbatical (either early or late in the game), she likely asks herself, “is this the beginning of the end?”

his leaving trips all of the alarm bells in her head—and she has no way to silence them, given that

a) she doesn’t dare to voice her fears or concerns to him lest in doing so she somehow makes things worse,

and

b) she doesn’t dare to voice her fears or concerns to anyone else, as their relationship must still be kept a secret.

it’s not like she’d ever go to grissom in the days before his departure and ask to sit down and talk through her apprehensions. she could never bring herself to ask him for reassurance—she needs him to reassure her without her having to ask or otherwise it defeats the purpose—or to request any specific course of action from him (such as daily skype calls) while he’s gone. since all of her experiences and anxiety are telling her that one wrong move will scare him off forever, she can do nothing but suffer in silence and hope that eventually he’ll come back to her someday of his own volition.

of course, in the meanwhile, it’s not like while she’s sitting there fretting, she can turn to catherine and say, “hey, i’m really worried that grissom is getting ready to leave me, and this sabbatical is basically his ‘practice run.’ can you please tell me if i’m blowing things out of proportion or not? my gauge on issues like this one is kind of broken because i’m an abuse survivor with intense attachment issues, and everyone i’ve ever cared about before has at some point abandoned me, so—”

i mean, those are just not actions sara has the emotional skillset to undertake, even if she were to feel at liberty to take them from a logistical perspective (which, of course, she doesn’t, because, you know, “secret dating”).

so.

next question.

why doesn’t sara drive grissom to the airport?

this one comes down to logistics, pure and simple.

the events of episode 07x11 “leaving las vegas” take place (per a date we see on catherine’s phone when adam novack calls her) throughout the day on 01.04.07.

when grissom is first seen at the lab opening his present from hodges, the hour appears to be sometime in the mid-morning. presumably, he has either come in for an early shift or is working a double carried over from the night before.

he remains at the lab throughout the day.

sara is not present at the lab or in the field for the majority of the episode.

in fact, we don’t see her until that penultimate scene in the locker room, when she’s just come on to work, shortly prior to the official start of the graveyard shift at 11pm.

at this same time, grissom is departing for the airport.

considering that she is on her way in as he’s on his way out, sara can’t be the one to drive grissom to the airport. she’s got a whole shift ahead of her, and he has to leave long before she’ll punch out.

like he says to sara, once they say goodbye, he’s got a cab to catch.

maybe if he had had time to go home between his early shift and the start of graveyard, she could have been the one to see him off, and they could have had a proper goodbye.

but the way things are, they’re two ships passing in the night, and they can’t be open about what they’re feeling because anyone could walk in on them at any moment and uncover their secret.

so.

what do we get when we tie all of these factors together?

we’ve got two idiot geniuses in love.

one of them is burning out on their shared work and feels he needs to go away to get his head straight. eventually, an opportunity to do so presents itself to him, and he takes it. for him, this decision is solely professional in nature. it has everything to do with “recharging his batteries” for work and nothing to do with him wanting to get away from his girlfriend.

in fact, because he’s the king of compartmentalization, the idea that his going away could in any way really affect his relationship with his girlfriend doesn’t even truly occur to him.

the problem is, the delineation isn’t so clear where his girlfriend herself is concerned.

to her, his decision to leave town for a month does indeed reflect on their relationship and does have implications with regards to the way he feels about both her and them as a couple. whereas he sees the matter as wholly a professional one, she reads personal notes into the situation.

in her view, his decision to leave at least potentially casts doubt on the depth of his feelings and calls into question the very nature of their arrangement. though she supports him pursuing such a fine opportunity for himself, she worries that his doing so may eventually result in him leaving her behind in the dust. if he could just say in an unequivocal, straightforward way what was in his heart for her, then she would be reassured. but the uncertainty kills her. it leaves her anxious and heartsick.

she feels as if she is waiting for the whole rest of her life to be decided, and she isn’t sure what kind of decision he is going to make.

of course, eventually, he realizes the error in his thinking—not before their awkward parting from each other takes place but seemingly in the moment itself, as he finds himself missing her before they’ve even fully said goodbye.

suddenly, it occurs to him: he’s not just heading off to get his professional groove back; he is also leaving his girlfriend whom he loves more than anything else in the world behind him, and there will be consequences for him doing so—not just in terms of how she reacts to his absence but also in terms of how he reacts to it himself.

there is an emotional toll he didn’t anticipate.

in their moment of parting, he perceives for the first time how, despite the outward support she has expressed for his decision to leave, inwardly, she has trepidations. he also realizes that he is asking her to do something huge for him—to wait for him while he goes off to get his head straight—without having adequately acknowledged the enormity of what he’s asked. it finally occurs to him how much they’re going to miss each other and that every action he takes (regardless of his motivations) has an effect on her and their relationship; that there is no clear separation between “work” and “home” where she is concerned; that there is no part of his life that doesn’t include her because they are together in every sense of the word.

the trouble is, once he leaves her behind, he doesn’t know what to do to make up for his previous obliviousness or to improve the situation at present. because his communication skills are lacking (and particularly in terms of how he finds expressing his deepest feelings in words almost overwhelmingly difficult), he can’t figure out how to let her know where he’s standing emotionally. he tries writing her a letter but ultimately never sends it because he feels that what he has written is inadequate.

of course, because he doesn’t communicate with words where he’s at—and especially not how very much he’s missing her!—she has nothing to go on when she tries to gauge the state of their relationship and his feelings for her while he is away. she is thus left to imagine the worst.

—which, of course, full of self-doubts as she is, she does.

now.

to step back from this narrative for just a second, while i know that it perhaps appears in canon and also that popular fandom consensus agrees that grissom and sara have zero contact for the whole five weeks that he’s gone—and i actually used to myself believe that they didn’t have contact, as well—i don’t suppose that such is in fact the case.

people mostly base the assumption that grissom and sara go 100% radio silent during grissom’s sabbatical on four main pieces of evidence, as they see things:

first, that we’re never shown any phone calls or letter exchanges between grissom and sara on screen between episodes 07x12 “sweet jane” and 07x14 “meet market” while grissom is away;

second, that sara seems so starved for contact from grissom, as is depicted in the cocoon scene in episode 07x13 “redrum,” when she is thrilled to receive the package he sends her but then disappointed to find that said package contains no message from him or personal touches;

third, that grissom is seemingly unaware of the whole “reverse forensics” fiasco from episode 07x13 “redrum” and its subsequent fallout upon his return to the lab in episode 07x15 “law of gravity;”

and finally, that grissom’s unsent letter to sara (which we are only able to hear read in its entirety come episode 07x22 “leapin’ lizards”) talks about their parting from each other as if the parting were fresh, even though grissom writes it several weeks into his sabbatical (during the events of episode 07x14 “meet market”).

however, i find that these “evidences” are more open to interpretation than perhaps they might initially appear.

certainly, we don’t see grissom and sara calling or sending letters to each other* at all on screen during the five weeks when grissom is away from las vegas—but with gsr, not seeing something take place on screen doesn’t mean that it isn’t happening at all; it just means that tptb aren’t showing us that it is.

* notice that i say “sending,” because, of course, grissom does write sara a letter that he then chooses not to send.

even when grissom and sara are living under the same roof, we don’t get to see much in the way of their interactions outside of work, so that we wouldn’t be privy to their phone calls and emails while they’re located 2,500 miles away from each other isn’t necessarily anything unusual, in terms of how the show typically depicts them and their relationship.

also, regardless of what we do and do not “see,” i think we do get some hints that they are in fact in contact with each other, beyond just grissom sending sara the package.

(more on those hints in a minute.)

as for said package, while some may view the cocoon scene in episode 07x13 “redrum” as proof that sara hasn’t heard from grissom at all until he sends her this gift through the mail, i’d argue that this assumption is never actually confirmed in canon.

sara is eager to receive the package, yes, and she’s also disappointed to find that it contains nothing but the cocoon, yes, but those points in and of themselves aren’t proof positive that she hasn’t heard from grissom at all over the last several weeks.

they just show that sara is excited that grissom has sent her a surprise and then disappointed to find that said surprise doesn’t contain any kind of personal message from him.

there’s no reason to think that she isn’t also sometimes talking on the phone with him during the period when the package arrives.

that grissom seems to learn that sara has housed the cocoon in his office only upon his return to the lab in episode 07x15 “law of gravity” also doesn’t mean that they haven’t talked about the package since he sent it; she may have just been cryptic about what she did with her gift when he asked her about it over the phone or via email while he was still at williams.

i mean, that’s exactly their style of flirting: “i sent you something. i trust you’ll find the right place to put it.” “i found the right place, all right. you’ll see.”

as for grissom’s seeming ignorance about the reverse forensics debacle from episode 07x13 “redrum” when he returns to the lab in episode 07x15 “law of gravity,” the key word here is seeming, because i actually think this is where we get a hint that grissom and sara have had some contact while he’s been away after all.

hodges is the one who approaches grissom wanting to talk about the operation’s fallout.

grissom does not, of course, typically enjoy talking to hodges—and especially not when hodges is grandstanding, which he definitely is in this scene.

hodges says, “the lab almost went to hell in a handbag while you were sabbaticalling. i'm sure you talked to catherine, but just in case you didn't, lot of hurt feelings, so in case you talk to nick—”

grissom then cuts him off. “i’d rather hear it from catherine, thanks.”

note that hodges is the one who assumes that grissom has heard about the debacle from catherine, and grissom never either confirms or denies that such is the case. also note that when grissom shuts hodges down, all that he says is that he would rather hear catherine’s take on the situation from catherine herself, as opposed to hearing about it from hodges as a third party.

nowhere does he claim to be ignorant of the situation altogether.

so then cut to the next scene in which we see grissom, when he runs into new csi level iii michael keppler in the hall and briefly stops to speak with him.

in this scene, grissom approaches keppler, whom he has never met before, and calls him by name. he asks if ecklie has still slotted keppler to work days. he also inquires about the case keppler is currently working, showing familiarity with its details. in the process, he makes reference to keppler’s “hometown,” seeming to know that keppler is from trenton, nj originally.

now.

to the best of our knowledge, grissom has so far only talked to hodges and keppler since returning to the lab.

that he knows about the case keppler is currently working perhaps suggests that since he first arrived to work, he has also checked in with judy the secretary to be briefed on his team members’ current activities; it makes sense that she might tell him that keppler was presently working with nick on a homicide case.

while it’s possible that judy may have also told grissom details about who keppler was and what ecklie’s intentions for him were, it seems unlikely that she would mention that he was from trenton or that she would describe him in enough detail that grissom could recognize him on sight, despite never having seen the man before.

so where did grissom hear so much about keppler before ever meeting him?

that grissom would need to talk to catherine in order to learn her perspective on the reverse forensics debacle (as per what he tells hodges) suggests that he has not spoken to her since the whole mess happened. it is therefore unlikely that she is his keppler “source.”

he seemingly also hasn’t spoken with warrick since the fiasco took place.

ditto for nick and greg, likely.

maybe ecklie might have filled him in on the fact that keppler would be temporarily working with the team while he was away and even mentioned that keppler was originally from jersey, were he and grissom to have been in contact during grissom’s sabbatical.

still.

for my money, the most likely candidate to have told grissom anything is sara.

she couldn’t have been the one to fill him in on the case keppler is currently working with nick, of course, as she’s off at a garbage dump working a case of her own when keppler and nick first pick up the callout.

but everything else that grissom knows about the man could have easily come from her—and particularly since he very much seems to be “already in the know” the minute he arrives at the lab.

to me, his already established knowledge of keppler suggests that he’s been hearing about the guy all along—which further suggests that he and sara have indeed been talking all along.

so if grissom and sara have indeed been talking, then why is sara still anxious while grissom is gone and how come grissom’s letter references their parting as if it were a fresh wound?

well, because this is gsr, and with them “talking” and “communicating” are often two different things.

there is conversation happening between them; it’s just not emotionally expressive—just not about anything important; not what’s really on their minds or in their hearts. they’re both suffering for being separated from each other, but they’re relegated to chatting about the weather and day-to-day activities, never delving in to the matter of their deeper emotions.

sara is gritting her teeth and pretending it’s a grin for the sake of seeming like a “cool girlfriend.” she’s downplaying how much she misses grissom and how anxious she is about what his absence means in terms of their relationship. she’s never letting on how scared she is to lose him.

when they call or write, she asks him about his teaching and voices nothing but support and enthusiasm for what he’s doing. if he asks her how she’s doing, she deflects (“well, hank and i watched a hepburn and tracy marathon on cable over the weekend. your blanket now smells like dog, by the way. i’ll be sure to wash it before you get home”), never actually expressing her true feelings, or at least none of the negative ones. she’ll talk about what’s happening at work, certainly. mention how this or that case is going. fill him in on the new guy, keppler (“it’s like he stepped out of a noir film. very off-putting”). but that’s about it.

on grissom’s end of things, he’s doing much the same—talking about his teaching (because that’s what sara mainly asks about), trying to figure out if the edge he hears in her voice is because she’s mad at him or because maybe, possibly she misses him as much as he does her, though of course he wouldn’t ever dare to ask. for as heartsick as he is for missing her and for as worried as he is that they parted on a sour note, he won’t complain because he knows he brought this situation on himself. so he voices enthusiasm for his teaching. and he accepts sara’s half-answers and dodges without prodding. and he writes her a letter but never sends it because he’s not sure if even the bard of avon himself is a good enough wordsmith to express the depths of his love for this girl.

in the letter, he talks about their parting as though it were still fresh because, in some ways, for them, it is.

though weeks have passed and they’ve spoken fairly regularly in the interim, the specter of that awkward goodbye and all of the fears and trepidations underlying it still looms large. it’s colored all of their interactions since. it’s unresolved. still affecting them.

he wants to address it so that they can finally move past it, though he doesn’t quite know how.

so.

to hop back into our narrative:

our two idiot geniuses in love spend five weeks apart.

five anxious weeks.

during that time, they are in contact, though they’re not truly communicating about anything of substance.

he’s worrying that he’s fucked things up by making the decision to leave without considering the personal implications of him doing so. he can sense that she is upset but he doesn’t know how to really broach the subject or do anything to fix the problem remotely—and especially not when she seems so thoroughly committed to withholding her true feelings from him, regardless of anything he might say or do.

on her side of things, she’s worried about the meaning of everything. he left, and she doesn’t know what his leaving indicates, in terms of their relationship. he seldom voices his feelings, and so she’s not sure what they are. she’s feeling the strain of keeping their shared life a secret more strongly than ever, but at the same time she doesn’t dare to complain because she doesn’t want to upset their delicate balance. so as not to do anything to spook him, she elects to suffer in silence, holding her breath as she waits for some kind of confirmation that he loves her in the same bone-deep, forever kind of way that she does him.

but for as anxious as they both are, somehow they’re able to weather the storm.

and when his time away is up and he finally returns and they’re physically sharing the same space once more—able to show their love for each other, even if they can’t adequately verbalize it as of yet—whatever tension that had been present since their parting very suddenly dissipates.

or at least it does so for the moment.

of course, as the rest of the season plays out, we see that she still longs for reassurance from him as to the depth of his feelings, and he still struggles to find a way to prove to her once and for all that he is just as much committed to her as she is to him. both of them chafe under the restrictions necessary to keep their relationship a secret from the world. as they start to look toward their future, they more and more want to be open both to each other and in general, until finally the events of the season finale take place, and everything comes to a head for them.

anyway.

that’s my take on the whole situation.

like i said at the top, it’s more conjecture than analysis, so take it for what you will.

thanks for the question! please feel welcome to send another any time.

#answered #anon #asks: csi #**#my meta #meta: csi #meta: gsr #csi #gil grissom #sara sidle #sara x grissom #gsr #otp: gsr #07x11 #season seven #let's talk shop #csiverse

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silverducks · 3 years

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Game of Thrones - Jaime Lannister

A rambling character study of Jaime Lannister from Game of Thrones.

Introduction

Ok, so nearly a month since I finished watching Game of Thrones, and I’m still not over how it ended. Like some things I can reconcile myself too, some things just annoy me when I overthink what happened and some things - ok one thing in particular - is just not letting me go.

And that is the way the show ended for Jaime Lannister.

I know I’m like 2 years too late on the GoT bandwagon and no one cares anymore. But I’m writing all these posts because I still care, having recently experienced what you all went through 2 years ago. And I know what I’ll be posting will have all been posted countless times before and discussed in the fandom years ago. But I kinda need to still get my own thoughts written down and outta my head.

Before I go on though, I just want to add in here that I do still love this show and, even right to the very end, think the acting, crew, music, sets/scenery, costumes, basically everything was pretty much amazing. That is except the writing, which, went downhill after series 4. Before then it was pretty much amazing too (not always perfect (is anything?), but so darn good!)

Now, turns out when I came to write down my thoughts on Jaime’s ending, I had even more than I realised. Basically it’s turned into me writing one massive analysis of Jaime’s character based on the show. So I’ve split it into separate posts, with this first one more of an intro, a summary of my thoughts and overall opinion on Jaime and a bit of context on my own experience with Game of Thrones.

Now, spoilers for Game of Thrones ending

I’ve read/watched a lot on the internet since I saw those episodes (series 8, episode 4 and 5 in case you weren’t sure) and I know a lot of people don’t like how they ended Jaime’s story in the show either. But I’ve also read a lot of comments where people did like it, or at least thought it made sense. The reasons they give make no sense to me, but it’s made me think and overthink and analyse way too much about how they did end his story.

So, in order to try and get them out of my head, I’m putting them down here. It’s a long, pretty rambling read, split up into a few parts because it got so long. Across the posts I’m going to go through my own understanding and perception of Jaime’s character and his arc and why I think they completely ruined it in episodes 8.04 and 8.05. I’ll then focus on some of the main reasons I’ve seen why people think it did make sense, and why (even though I maintain everyone is entitled to their own opinion) I completely disagree. Jaime’s character arc was annihilated in the show even more than Kings Landing. And that is more than a bit frustrating.

Now, just a bit of background to add some context to my thoughts; I basically only got around to watching the show a few months ago (I’ve not read the books yet). I basically binged watched the entire show and am now just a little bit reeling from it all! LOL! Also, as I did binge watch it, it meant I didn’t spend time between episodes/series really analysing/theorising etc. I had a few ideas and thoughts, but not to the depth it would have been had I needed to wait impatiently for each new episode. This means I think my viewpoint is of the show as an overall whole, rather than each separate series, because it kinda all rolled into one. This may, or may not, have affected my opinion and so this analysis of Jaime Lannister and my disappointment in his ending. It also means, having only watched the show once, I’ve probably forgotten or missed bits. However, since I finished the show, I’ve watched a lot of YouTube videos and read a lot of stuff on the net about it, including in comparison to the books. (And I maybe rewatched some of my favourite scenes just a few times…) And now I am analysing and theorising and thinking about this show way too much! LOL!

So I guess my viewpoint isn’t one of ignorance, but it might not be quite the same as someone who’s been invested in the show from the start.

Like most viewers, I pretty much thought Jaime = evil villain for most of the earlier series. He had the odd moment, but it wasn’t until he did that speech with Catelyn about the conflict of all those oaths he’d taken that I even started to take note of his character. And then series 3 happens, where he has his road trip with Brienne, loses his hand, saves her from a bear and basically starts his wonderful path of character development. And basically manages to go from a guy I pretty much do not like at all at the start, to one of my all time favourite characters ever.

Also, I’m definitely a Brienne/Jaime shipper and did wish them to have a happy ending. However, I pretty much never thought the show would actually even go there, let alone make it happy. In fact, I actually did my best to NOT ship them for such a long time because, being Game of Thrones, I knew it was very unlikely to end well. But, then yeah, their intense staring contests kept on happening and darn it, the way that Jaime’s voice breaks when he says Lady Brienne and him giving her a priceless sword, and what the sword represents and…

Ok, well, yeah, I could gush about them all day, but anyway, I ended up not being able to fight the ship any more after series 6 and THAT tent scene. But, even then, I still didn’t think the show would make it canon, like it would just leave it all open ended/make up your own mind kinda thing.

And then we get to series 8. Like we have a whole episode (that is actually named for their very storyline) with Jaime just staring at Brienne, being all dorky around Brienne and then, if that wasn’t enough, he even KNIGHTS Brienne! I mean, this is epic for this ship! And I would have been ok (not happy, but satisfied) as a Brienne and Jaime shipper if that had been it.

But then no, then he barely leaves her side in the fight against the dead in the next episode – they fight side by side with their two halves of one whole swords, each risking their own life for the other multiple times. And then in the next episode (where I don’t think there’s barely any scene where they’re NOT right next to each other) the show DID make it canon. Like it actually did go there, they slept together (in an adorably awkward scene I love). Heck, Jaime then even chooses to stay in the North and be with Brienne, even though he hates the North. Like this was just epicness of all proportions and I got so excited and all those shippy feels I was trying to hold back just came rushing out and then... and then...

THEN that scene happens. He leaves her. Like WTH…

Anyway, more on that in another post. I guess what I’m trying to say is that as much as I ship them, my issues with Jaime’s ending is less about his relationship with Brienne, and more just his complete 180 on character development. Jaime’s arc has been heavily influenced by Brienne, but it is still amazing in its own right. As I didn’t expect Brienne/Jaime to ever happen (so when it did and then got taken away in the very same episode, it’s incredibly frustrating and gives even less credence to what does happen), it’s not why I’m so annoyed and disappointed with what happened to Jaime.

I’m annoyed because they took all this amazing character growth over 7 series and then screwed it all over in less than two episodes. No, that’s not enough. It was a complete and utter character assassination that completely undermines and destroys 7 series worth of investment and development, completely nullifying everything Jaime went through as a character.

So, yeah, I’m a bit annoyed, but that’s because it makes no sense and it’s bugging me enough to write this whole series of posts. Because I can’t let it go. And having read people justify, even like it online, it’s made my inner analysis thought train go into override. And I’m sorry if these posts are like I’m preaching to the choir, or writing such obvious stuff and repeating myself, I’m just trying to get it all out my head as coherently as I can. Hopefully allowing me to move on a bit.

#Urgh #I need to sit in a corner and try to cheer myself up again before I can write anymore #Maybe watching some Brienne and Jaime fan videos will help cheer me up #And also simultaneously depress me even more.

#Game of Thrones #Jaime Lannister #Brienne x Jaime

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mybg3notebook · 3 years

Text

Additional Scenes:

Death protocol and comments on dreams

Disclaimer Game Version: All these analyses were written up to the game version v4.1.104.3536 (Early access). As long as new content is added, and as long as I have free time for that, I will try to keep updating this information. Written in June 2021.

In these “scene posts” I will explore the scene of the title looking for the information in the dialogues. What I will be looking for is how much Gale “lies”, how much lore is provided, and any extra detail that may be of our interest to highlight. At the end of these posts there are summary points for those who don't want to read the whole post.

Additional disclaimers about meta-knowledge and interpretations in this (post) while disclaimers about Context in this (one).

Protocol Scene

After skipping all the annoying protocol, we can reach to the most important part of it: the comments afterwards.

Gale: [...]I assume you have some questions for me. Only fair to warn you I've precious few answers to spare. I apologise if it sounds thankless. It's just that some secrets simply cannot be revealed.

[If Tav used the tadpole successfully before] Tav:[perception] I've seen the darkness inside of you, remember? I already know. [success]Gale: You don't know. Not really. But after all you've done for me, I do suppose I should be at least a little bit forthcoming. [Failure] Gale: There is no knowledge in a glimpse of darkness. My secrets are still my own.

Tav: [persuasion] I brought you back to life. A few answers is the least you can spare me. [success] Gale: I... I suppose that after all you've done for me, I should be at least a little bit forthcoming.

Gale: Tell you what, I will answer one question that you may have. To the best of my ability. If I can.

Over and over and over Gale is very explicit that he has secrets he can't or doesn't want to share. This is why the “great betrayal” concept in the revelation scene feels so cheap in my opinion. Gale never denied that something very wrong was happening with him. He certainly opens a bit more once he is brought back to life and tries to compromise in saying something more. We can clearly see his resistance to it.

Tav: I simply want to know what it is you're keeping from me Gale: I'm dangerous. Not because I want to be, but because of... an error I made in the past. [before gale speaks of his loss] It makes me dangerous – even in death. You brought me […] [after gale speaks of his loss] I told you how I sought to win the favour of Mystra. I did this by trying to control a form of magic only one wizard ever could. I failed to control it. Instead it infested me. It makes me dangerous... even in death. You brought me […]

Tav: Why did your projection say that many lives depended on your resurrection? [before gale speaks about artefacts] Gale: Because it was the truth, and the truth is a great motivator. I'm dangerous. Not because I want to be […] [after gale speaks about artefacts] Gale: When I told you I needed powerful magic to keep my condition under control, I didn't tell you why. Well, here is part of the why: I'm dangerous. Not because I want to be […]

[After using the Tadpole successfully] Tav: the darkness inside you, what is it? Gale: It's magic from another time and another place. It is something that is beyond me, yet inside me. That makes me dangerous... even in death.

Tav: Actually, nevermind. If it makes you this uncomfortable, I won't insist. Gale: That's... well, that's very kind of you. If the roles were reversed I don't know if I'd have your patience.

I mean... really... No matter the conditions, the context or the option picked, Gale can't be more repetitive about three facts: he has secrets, he is really dangerous, and there are 'catastrophic' consequences if we don't help him with the artefacts. None of them are a lie. This is also why I think the party scene is very unpolished: it doesn't acknowledge the fact that Gale already said a lot to some Tavs who explored and pushed Gale to speak, and the scene is presented as a conflict or a “betrayal” when there was none, specially for the case of Tavs who pushed Gale to speak. In either case, Tav is aware of what's happening with Gale: they know everything in broad strokes, or they respect his privacy and know little but they know that what Gale hides is a very dangerous secret. This is why I think calling Gale a manipulative or coercive character is very misunderstanding.

Tadpole Dreams

Dream 1

Gale feels well and healthy despite the terrible symptoms that Tav and their companions shared the previous night. However, Gale is a pragmatic person: this is not just luck and he makes it clear in his opinion:

Gale: What I saw surpassed the vivid. The voice was too true, the touch too tantalising, I can tell you felt the same. Sought out in the night by.... what? An illusion, or a promise? […] let's agree that at the very least there was the lure of a promise. The touch, the kiss, the everything... Did you relented or resisted? […] The dream wasn't just about power, it was about desire. […] It was an expert, this apparition. First the seduction, then the spurning, then that teasing souvenir. 'You are not ready, I will return when you are'. That's what I was promised. We have some restless nights ahead of us.

For players who pushed Gale to speak during the Loss scene, it's easy to suspect the person he is dreaming about: Mystra. The relationship with Mystra can be guessed during these comments after the dreams. We know that the dreams represent our companions' desires and wishes for power, and they have, in most cases, a sexual connotation. When Gale speaks about the kiss, we can assume that, same as what Shadowheart explicitly said, he slept with his dream person. So, if the player gets the Loss scene before the second dream, Tav will be quite aware of Gale's relationship with Mystra. Again, this is never acknowledged in the 'revelation' scene.

Dream 2

In the second dream, Gale is darker and bitter.

Gale: Good morning. I'm sorry, but I'm not in the best of moods. I tire of these dreams. Dreams. The word implies desire, but we're being played for fools. These are nothing but delusions.

Tav: I recall you being a lot more enthusiast after our first collective dream

Gale: I never said I'm not among the fools.

Tav: The power we're given is real, and there's no denying that. Gale: It’s not because they’re real, that they don’t deceive. Give it candy and a child stops asking questions.

Gale: These dreams are too good to be true, and I can tell you why. Because their promises are perfect, and in perfection lies their flaw. It's the tadpole reading our every desire, but they don't read between the lines. They don't know some things are impossible. They don't know that... They don't know.

Tav: Gale, who is the apparition in your dreams?

Gale: She's... It doesn't matter. I just know her to be unreal.

Tav: What's impossible about what you're been shown? Gale: Forgiveness

3- Tav: I'll leave you to your ruminations. Gale: Remember: these are nothing but delusions. Don't let the illithid's close readings persuade you of good intent.

[If Tav can guess it's Mystra after the Loss Scene] So it's Mystra you see. Of course it is.

Gale: I... why, yes. Clearly the tadpole isn't the only one who can read me like a book. It's indeed Mystra I see. And yet it cannot be her. There was a time when I would have believed - but no longer. I told you that I lost her. Lost her favour and lost so many of the powers I took for granted. What magic I can still weave is met only with undercurrents of disappointing silence. Mystra has not changed her mind about me. That's how I know our dreams are delusions.

[If Tav cannot guess it's Mystra] Tav: [Persuasion] Come, you can tell me. We're among friends here. [success] Gale: Very well. It's Mystra I see. And yet it cannot be her. There was a time when I would have believed - but no longer. Things were different once, between the goddess and me. But things have changed. The parasite has plans for us [...]

This scene, for those players who can be lucky enough to trigger (it has the lowest of the lowest priorities), removes part of the apparent “shadiness” in Gale. He repeats clearly that he dreams of Mystra, which should immediately make aware the player that this has sexual connotations since these dreams are about desire and power, and Gale also expressed this in the first dream about the kiss. We also discover that what Gale desires the most is not power, but forgiveness. This is why I personally see him as looking for power not as a means but as a goal: Gale wishes to save himself, to remove the “orb” from him, and to be “one with the weave”. The more powerful he would become, the closer to Magic and the goddess he would be.

However, Gale is a pragmatic, realistic character as we saw in the Ceremorphosis scene: he won't lie to himself. He is very aware that forgiveness is beyond reach. He may have believed it be possible when younger, but he repeats once more that this concept we saw in other scenes: he is aware that whatever he had before is over.

Summary:

During the protocol scene Gale explicitly says, once more, that he has secrets.

He explains that he is dangerous, even in death, despite not wanting to be, reinforcing the idea that his consumption of artefacts prevents something very 'catastrophic' from happening.

If the protocol is triggered after the Loss scene, he will explain that an old magic 'infested' him.

During the comments after the dreams we learn that the dreams represent desire and power with sexual implications in most cases (if not all).

After the second dream, Gale expressed his scepticism about the dreams. He knows his dream person cannot be Mystra.

We learn that his most intense desire, reflected in the nature of the dream, is forgiveness, not power. Let's remember these dreams can't be fooled. They show the deepest desire/wish for power of the dreamer.

If this scene is triggered after the Loss scene, we learn that Gale is always aware of Mystra's disappointment because he can sense it in the Weave every time he casts magic.

This post was written in June 2021. → For more Gale: Analysis Series Index

#bg3 meta #bg3 gale #gale #gale of waterdeep

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