Great start to the new year babey

Hey Jen. I think you’re superb like in a (not to quote anyone but) you can sit and kind of admire what you’re like kind of way. So thanks for being awesome and enjoyable to this internet stranger. In unrelated matter, do you have any angst filled fics? I mostly read HL but I’ll dive into whatever as long as the pain is there. (If I can give a preference, I’m not so much into magic, fantasy, wolves, and sorts.) In these unprecedented times, I think I’d still need a happy ending though after the characters suffer terribly lol. If you find time to put something together for little old moi, I’d appreciate it very much. Thanks! Keep on keeping on! You’re wonderful!

<bryan_cranston_me_question_mark.gif> !!!!!!!!!! This is so incredibly kind, I think you’re pretty wonderful, too! I feel like I’m probably going to let you down here, though, because I generally don’t go too hard for angst (for one, it usually translates into longer fics, for two, some areas of true angst are just things I don’t really want to read for pleasure, like messy cheating aftermaths, abuse, character death, etc., and for three, I get lost in the sauce if I try too hard to dissect if something actually IS major angst versus, say, intense pining), but I’ll do my best! I’m going to give my dirty dozen here--my top 12 for hl--then I’ll dive deeper under the cut, with authors I love who write so much angst it’s tough to pick just one, plus other fandoms, too, in case you want to dive deeper.

Fertile Ground, Blake, 4.4k. Okay, in truth, so much of what Blake writes has gorgeous lashings of angst, so definitely read all of their fic (every fandom), but this one?? HOLY MOLY, it deserves to be separated and celebrated, Harry’s angst about fertility, howwwwww is this 4.4k, I ask, constantly?

sensitive to pressure, momentofclarity/ @gaycousinlarry, 4.4k. Hockey players and pubes and scent kinks, and yet there’s still this current of angst that thrums underneath, man oh man, would I read everything in this universe.

Everything You Do, jishler/ @jishlerfics, 6.6k. The third part of a stunning series, this one focusing on Harry’s gender identity and the Dunkirk haircut, and if you saw those recent gifsets with him wearing the beanie during training, yeah, this fic is alllll about it

i’m a captain on a jealous sea, devilinmybrain/ @thedevilinmybrain, 15k. A lot of jealousy on Louis’s part about all things Gryles, both real and imagined, I’m loving the vibes this author brings to it all.

taking tips and getting stoned, alison, 24k. I don’t think I can sum this one up quickly, but taxi driver Louis comes across singer Harry, and a lot of things change after that? God, that’s bad, but this fic is not!

hard to confess, @hereforlou, 24k. I adore Maggie’s writing so much, and she’s another one where I could rec at least three more here, but the one where Harry hides that he’s pregnant until the very last second? It’ll forever be the scorpio of mpreg fics, and I say that with the highest praise.

Maybe I Miss You series, 13ways, 28k. THIS SERIES, ooooooooffffff, the angstometer is off the chart, and then the last installment? Harry in makeup? This after all the sexting and boxing and hate sex and finally they figure their shit out? All of it is so good, and I’m eternally sad the author moved on (but jesus, I get it).

hush., Wankerville, 41k. Easily in my top five fics of any fandom, the softness and the cruelty, the growth and the real-life feels, an American high school AU that is still stunning and must have blown doors off back in that particular day (I’d also rec this author’s other work, esp. for angst).

every universe but ours, 28finelines, 49k. Okay, so this one has a little bit of magic that might annoy you, but it’s mostly in a multiverse way, like you’re reading a ton of AUs, but the theme itself has an angsty core, fwiw!

Truly, Madly, Deeply (10 Things I Hate about You), sunsetmog, 54k. I know I talk a LOT about this author’s ongoing wip, Harry Styles Cooks... (which is phenomenal, please do yourself a favor if you haven’t already), but this one? Angst ahoy, Harry auditions for XFUK without telling his boyfriend/friends, becomes a success, then comes home.

Time Passed, coffinofachimera/ @belialsmiracles, 66k. For every fic rec list I make, I always have at least one fic where I say, if you read nothing else, read this one, AND THIS IS IT, all categories, it’s simply astounding, life-changing, world-ending, and it kills me that more people haven’t left comments, but if it keeps shitty comments away, I’m all for it, I’ll protect this author/fic with my life. I can’t even begin to describe it, but if you want to know what the songs Fine Line or She are about, here you go! AIMH, Tokyo Harry!

The World Turned Upside Down, dogslpdi/ @dogsliampaynedoesntinstagram, 71k. I’m really iffy on historical fics, but this fic! This fic nails it! The detail and the emotion, the way you can feel the effects of the strike in so many ways, but also how HIV/AIDS is not that far off on the horizon, it’s just so well done. Plus, I adore Ralph’s humor and the way she tagged this both “minor angst” and “miner angst,” and if I can’t end an angst rec on a light note, what more can I do?

Let’s start with things beyond hl...lately, I’ve been reading a LOT of Untamed fic, and I feel like I should just point you to Liv’s masterlists because they are angst city (and fun city, too), plus she’s done a really good job of labeling them accordingly (right now, my fave angst is from chunk no. 2, Fire in the Blood, which is a case fic, but oof, I can’t wait to read even more in these parts).

I’m also just now getting into Merlin and reading a lot in that fandom, but it’s a bit scattershot at this stage (I haven’t finished the show yet, and I’m still working my way through one author who wrote 100+ fics, all of which are incredible; if you’re curious for something recent from over there, Phoenix wrote a short, angsty one that’s good and ouchy, this tangled thicket).

Speaking of Phoenix, EVERYTHING she has written for Cars (Lightning/Doc) is incredibly angsty, usually with that happy ending finale--I’d rec my current fave, but it’s a wip, so no happy ending yet, wahhh. Check out this link to the rest of them, though, I rec ‘em all!

I still have to watch the source material, but everything anyone’s sent me from Cobra Kai is INCREDIBLY angsty and so, so good, so I’m gonna bet there’s a fair bit of fix-it fic in my future, but we shall see! 

Now onto the hl angst, ideally things you haven’t already read a million times before. Like I said earlier, this one’s kind of tough because I’m not into intense angst (major character/close family member death, messy cheating aftermath--though @kingsofeverything’s Devil and the Deep Blue Sea is fantastic, if you’re into that [messy cheating aftermath, not death]; actually, a lot of Lauren’s longer fics have a dose of angst, so dive away!)

Speaking of authors who regularly deliver angst, I have quite a few that I would say just go check out their works because almost every single thing they’ve done has it in varying degrees, you won’t be disappointed! These authors primarily write the hl pairing, and I definitely rec ‘em all: HappyPrincess, got2ghost, mediaville, and sedfierisentio. Authors I love who write Harry/other characters and do it in a hella angsty way include vondrostes, sulkingroom, radiodurans, and wishforwishes (I swear, I still think about call me anything you like at least once a month).

Hi Steph!!! Hope you're doing fine and well!!I've jumped back into the Johnlock fandom and rewatched it again! I'm looking for fics to do with Sherlock being drugged, a drug addict, crazy, insane or trapped in his mind palace. That's about it, thank you!! Take care!

Hey Nonny!

Ahh, welcome back to the fandom, Lovely!! <3 I hope I can help you out!

For Drug fics, I have these lists here:

Self Harm, Danger Nights, and Drugs

Drugs and Drugging Pt 2

Realistic Drugs/Drug Rehab

As for mind palace fics, I’m going to use this opportunity to post up a list of fics relating to Sherlock’s mind palace, just because I did actually start tagging fics with it, so I wanna actually use it, LOL. Feel free, my lovelies, to add your own fics for this or anything Nonny is looking for! Hope y’all like what I got for y’all!

SHERLOCK’S MIND PALACE

A Perfect Figure by ecb327 (K, 622 w., 1 Ch. || Romance, First Person POV Sherlock, Pining Sherlock, Introspection, Sherlock’s Mind Palace, Light Angst) – Sherlock build a spot in his mind palace for John.

Once Upon A Time by ProfessorSquirrell (T, 908 w., 1 Ch. || Family, Snippets of Life, Romance, Sherlock’s Mind Palace, Implied Drug Use, Angst with Happy Ending) – There is a room in Sherlock's mind palace where nothing gets deleted. And it looks like this...

Sherlock's Mind Palace by Valkyrie Of The Dead (K+, 1,091 w., 1 Ch. ||  Drama, Hurt/Comfort, Major Character Deaths, Self Reflection) – Sherlock needs to change his mind-palace once again. He had hoped he wouldn't, he had thought he wouldn't, because they were invincible, weren't they?

Ode to a Well-Worn Chair by hogwartswitch (G, 1,274 w., 1 Ch. || Post-TSo3, John’s Chair, Angst, Love Confessions, Mind Palace) – Takes place the night Sherlock left John's wedding early. Why did he move John's chair and where did he move it?

The Simple Separation Will Not Come Between Us by The Circus (T, 1,278 w., 1 Ch. || Hurt/Comfort, MCD, Violence, Heavy Angst, Sherlock’s Mind Palace, Prose) – The choice is simple. Real, and No John. Or Not Real, and John. For a prompt that says 'John dies and Sherlock loses himself in his Mind Palace’

Upon This Throne by ifonlynotnever (T, 1,773 w., 1 Ch. || Pre-TRF, Angst, Romance, Sherlock’s Mind Palace, Introspection, Imagery, Pining Sherlock, Drug Use, Passage of Time) – Inside Sherlock's mind is a Palace. Inside the Palace are many rooms. Within the largest room is the Throne. Upon the Throne sits the King.

The Three-Word Tin Collection by TheBookshelfDweller (K, 1,885 w., 1 Ch. || First Person Sherlock POV, Mild Pining, Angst, Romance, Hiatus) – What happens when Sherlock has to store the things he wants to say to John while deconstructing Moriarty's web, but the Mind palace proves an inadequate place to store them?

Duvet (green) by Mazarin221b (G, 2,021 w., 1 Ch. || Post-THoB, Mind Palace, Revelations, First Kiss) – Sherlock recalibrates and restructures his mind palace so it looks like 221b. What he chooses to put in John's room is a bit of a surprise, and a revelation.

A Room of One's Own by whitchry9 (K+, 2,174 w., 5 Ch. || S2 Timeline, Hurt/Comfort, Supernatural, Sherlock’s Mind Palace, Coma, John Whump, Worried Sherlock, POV John, Angst, Friendship/Bromance, Hospital) – When a severe head injury lands John in a coma, somehow he ends up in Sherlock's mind palace. It's actually pretty nice there, and John is entertaining the notion of staying there, rather than returning to his broken body. But Sherlock isn't taking it as well, and John can feel him breaking around him.

Heart's a Mess by svenjastrange (NR, 2,249 w., 1 Ch. || Fluff, Sherlock’s Mind Palace) – Sherlock's heart is a mess.

Green Carnation by glenien (T, 2,616 w., 1 Ch. || Sherlock’s Mind Palace, Meta-Fic, Angst and Fluff, Communication, Post-TAB) – John takes Sherlock home. Part 1 of It’s No Longer Eighteen Ninety-Five

The Trial of Sherlock Holmes by jenna221b (G, 3,015 w. across 3 works || TAB!lock, Metafic / TJLC, Victorian AU / 1895, Christmas, Sherlock’s Mind Palace, Oscar Wilde) – Scripts based on speculation that Sherlock will be put on trial in The Abominable Bride to parallel the Oscar Wilde Trials of 1895.

Entanglement by orphan_account (G, 3,218 w., 1 Ch. || Confessions, Physics, Metaphors, Texting, Pining, Christmas, Mind Palace, Sick Fic, Fluff, Humour, Praise Kink) - On Christmas Eve, snow covers London, John visits Harry, and Sherlock and Mrs. Hudson untangle some knots.

Nineteen Seconds of Falling by EmmyAngua (T, 3,739 w., 1 Ch. || Sherlock’s Mind Palace, Falling in Love) – Sherlock spends exactly nineteen seconds zoned out after John asks him to be best man. He retreats to his mind palace in the desperate hope of figuring out what he wants, unfortunately for him his mind palace is full of people who keep trying to give him advice.

Jukebox by standbygo (T, 3,990 w., 1 Ch. || Fluff, Singing/Music, Sherlock’s Mind Palace, Hurt/Comfort, Humour, Friends to Lovers, First Kiss) – After the music halls of Sherlock's mind palace get damaged by accident, John learns that Sherlock never forgets a song. Even the ones he'd rather forget. But the random singalong brings some unexpected benefits.

Sink Like a Stone by pennydreadful (T, 4,348 w., 1 Ch. || Angst / Dark, Cuddling/Snuggling) – After defeating Moriarty at the pool, life isn't quite the same around 221B Baker Street...it's more peaceful. And stranger.

Times Two by WhimsicalEthnographies (E, 5,595 w., 1 Ch. || Sherlock’s Mind Palace, Victorian John, Modern John, Sherlock has a Good Imagination, PWP, Bottomlock, Spitroasting) – “But you’re not that John…”“Of course I am,” John’s lips and mustache brush against Sherlock’s mouth as he talks. “All us Johns are that John, now. That John is in every room in your Palace.” He leans in for another messy kiss, tongue swirling all around the inside of Sherlock’s mouth. “In fact,” he moves to suck on the sensitive skin underneath Sherlock’s ear. “I think I hear him coming right now.”

The Death of Doubt by Gingerhermit (E, 6,584 w., 1 Ch. || Alternate Canon, BAMF John, POV Sherlock, Sherlock’s Mind Palace, Hurt/Comfort, Angst/Drama, Meddling Mycroft) – Mycroft asks for John’s help in rescuing Sherlock from his Serbian captors.

Better Than Fiction by Irrevocably_Sherlocked (E, 6,813 w., 1 Ch. || Pining Sherlock, Sherlock’s Mind Palace, Masturbation, BJ’s, First Time / Kiss, Friends to Lovers, Anal) – ...he opens his eyes, but instead of seeing John he is staring at his bedroom ceiling, the pale plaster a startling contrast from the scene in his head. It had felt so real. He can only imagine what the feel of John’s lips would be like, his taste. But luckily for him, he thinks with a smirk, he’s always had a brilliant imagination.

The Five Stages of Mourning, Plus One by SunnyRea (T, 10,557 w., 1 Ch. || MCD, Pining / Grieving Sherlock, URT, Heavy Angst, Sherlock’s Mind Palace, Drug Use, Graphic Death, Depression, Unhappy Ending) – Sherlock did not want this, did not want another stalemate with John in the middle, a gun in Jim's hand. This cannot have happened without a sign. There has to be something he missed anything which said today is the day I kill for real.

Sherlock's Head, John's Heart by Altego (T, 17,252 w., 7 Ch. || Tragedy, Heavy Angst, Heavy Bromance, Sherlock’s Mind Palace, Mary is Nice, Friendship) – After Mary dies, John tries to cope, and Sherlock blames himself but tries to make John understand how important John is in his life.

A Study In Auto-Signatures, Sniper Dolphins, and Sex Holidays by cwb (E, 32,689 w., 8 Ch. || Case Fic, Post S3, Evil Mary, Dev. Rel., Beach Holidays, Confused Sherlock, Friends to Lovers, Honeymoon, Epistolary, Bottomlock, First Kiss / Time, Fluff, Secret Agents, BAMF!John) – John and Mary go on their sex holiday, and Sherlock is grumpy and pining about it. Part 1 of HOT DOLPHIN SEX

Hell Sent, Heaven Bound by ConsultingHound (M, 64,381 w, 16 Ch. || Angels / Demons AU ||  Fallen Angel Sherlock / Angel Cop John, Alternate First Meeting, Slow Burn, Case Fic, John & Lestrade are Friends Before Sherlock, BAMF John, Mind Palace John, Friends to Lovers, John in Denial, Sherlock Picks Out John’s Clothing, Clubbing / Dancing, Mildly Jealous John, Awkwardness, Kidnapping, Sherlock’s Mind Palace, Sacrifice, Worried / Anxious Sherlock, Angst with Happy Ending, Immortal to Mortal) – Ex-War healer and current angelic guard John Watson is not having the best day. He overslept, he’s underpaid, and now there’s someone tagging the Council’s building walls. However things may be about to get interesting: there’s an unusual stranger hanging around (the definition of tall, dark, and handsome), a literal underground cult is brewing, and rumblings are coming from hell. Can he keep his neighbourhood safe, how and why is he being connected to all this, and who the hell is Sherlock Holmes?

Being John Watson-ish by elwinglyre (E, 69,902 w., 17 Ch. || Bodysnatcher AU || Author John, Cranky Sherlock, Angst, Sexual Tension, First Kiss / Time, Falling in Love, BAMF John, Past Soldier John, Feelings, Inside Someone’s Brain, Shy Sherlock, Sherlock Loves John, POV Sherlock, Switchlock, Slow Burn, Internal Dialogue, Mental Turmoil) – When consulting detective Sherlock Holmes steps on one toe too many at a crime scene, he's consigned to a desk job in an archaic office on the seventh-and-a-half floor of the New Scotland Yard. It’s in this bleak office that Sherlock discovers a portal into the mind of renowned author John Watson. Grander than his mind palace, this new wonderland affords Sherlock new vistas of experimentation. To learn more about the mystery behind the portal, Sherlock seeks out and befriends Watson. But then it all goes wrong when others find the secret portal door—including the man whose brain he visits.

Not Broken, Just Bent by Schmiezi (E, 87,585 w., 43 Ch. || Pining, Love Confessions, Rape/Sexual Assault, Torture, Hurt/Comfort, Heavy Angst, Villain!Mary, Suicidal Ideations, Main Character Death, Sherlock First Person POV, Parentlock, Sherlock’s Mind Palace, Grief/Mourning, Emotional Love Making, Possessiveness, Depression, PTSD, Kidnapping, Virgin Sherlock, Eventual Happy Ending) – "For a second, I allow myself to remember teaching John how to waltz. There is a special room in my mind palace for it. A big one, with a proper parquet dance floor. For a second, I go there. I remember holding him, closer than the World Dance Council asks for, excusing it with the fact that we are training for a wedding, not for a competition. For a second, I feel his hand on mine again, smell his sweat, hear the song we used. For a second, I allow myself to love him deeply. For a second, only a second, that love reflects on my face." Fix-it for S3, starting at the end of TSoT. Evil Mary.

The Bang and the Clatter by earlgreytea68 (M, 137,049 w., 37 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Baseball AU || Slow Burn / Dev. Rel., Possessive/Obsessive Sherlock, Jealous Sherlock, Mutual Pining, Body Appreciation, Depression, Closeted Sexuality, Family, Sherlock’s Mind Palace, Ogling Each Other, Anxious Sherlock, Panic Attack, Drunkenness, Talk of Forever, Big Feelings™) – Sherlock Holmes is a pitcher and John Watson is a catcher. No, no, no, it's a baseball AU. Part 1 of Baseball

The Adventure of the Silver Scars by tangledblue (NR [M], 142,458 w., 41 Ch. || S3 Fix-It, Post-HLV/ Post-TAB / Canon Compliant, Case Fic, No Baby, Angst, Humour, UST, Slow Burn, Angry John, Reconciliation, Not Nice Mary / Leaving Mary, Dependent Sherlock, Pining Sherlock, Caretaker John, Fist Fights, It’s An Experiment, Virgin Sherlock, Dancing, Drugging, John Whump, Pet Names, Sherlock’s Mind Palace, Scars) – It’s been thirteen months since Mary shot Sherlock and John finds he’s still pissed off about it. Sherlock had thought everything was settled: John and Mary, domestic bliss. But when John turns up at Baker Street with suitcases, the world’s only consulting detective might not be prepared for the consequences. A new case. Some old scores to settle. Certain danger. Concertos, waltzes, and whisky.

Trouble in the Paradise (kitty gang! Jimin - art major! Tae au)

Summary: Jimin is a fucking bad ass university assassin that saves woman from trash college frat men. (we have to stan) and tae is an art major who doesn’t want to live on campus anymore so decides to get an apartment because it’s cheaper and meets his neighbor (jimin). One day Jimin is a little noisy with his one of his “customers” and tae goes to tell him off. But he sees too much. 

Genre: College Au, Vmin, Kitty Gang Jimin, Art Tae, 

Word count: 1,302

Warnings: Angst, fluff, Violence, Cursing, Sexual Themes, Smut (idk yet but just in case!)

AN: This is my first Au please be nice (im sensitive lol) but I’ve had this idea for like 2 weeks and I have a weekend off so lemme get this off my chest! I will do other ships so don’t worry! (also I can’t spell and have nails on so there’s gonna be a lot of typos please bare with me!)

Chapter 1

 Taehyung’s POV

My hands were starting to freeze as I waited on the platform for my train. I seem to be the only one taking this train since no one was on the platform other than me. 

“Attention riders, Train 7 for Seoul University is approaching. Please stand clear of the yellow lines.” The announcer says in a monotone voice.

The train approaches as it comes to a loud stop. The doors open. I collect all my heavy ass luggage and head into the empty train. I sigh as I sit down in my seat on the train. I put all my luggage and my backpack in the seat next to me. I reach in and grab my sketch book. I start to draw a line but its up turning into a stick? No. Now it’s a stem. It’s a flower stem. I put extra detail to the sepals for no reason. After I start to work on the ovary and realize my stop is coming up, so I put everything away and stand up. I get off the train to a notification that my uber is here, so I wait on the curb. My uber pulls up to the curb. The guy behind the wheel looked familiar. He had bleached blonde hair, a cat face, a gray beanie, and an oversized FG shirt with a gray flannel. He was adorable. I couldn’t help but chuckle a little when he attempted to help me with my bags.

“I’ve got them. Thanks, though.” I say while smiling down at him.

“Thank god cause I was about to give up.” He looked completely out of breath. He then looked up at me. 

“Hey, you go to SU?” He pointed out while getting into the car.

“Yeah I’m TaeHyung, I’m a second year.”

“Oh, yeah! You were in my speech class last year.” He turns the engine on and pulls off. 

“I’m Yoongi.” He smiled. I chuckle at his cute teef. 

“Yeah. I know. You’re the one who almost got kick out the classroom for your speech on Capitalism.” 

“Oh you remember that?” He smiled proud of himself.

“That’s not something you can just quickly forget.” 

“So, what’s your major? Oh, wait! Lemme guess” He gets to a red light and glances over at me for a couple seconds.

“Art major.” He says with confidence.

“Is it that obvious?” I smile.

“Ok lemme guess yours then. Politics?” He scoffs in disgust.

“Oh god, no! Architecture. I just rant about capitalism all the time.” He explains.

“Are you moving into Paradise Apartments for the semester?” He asks since that’s where he’s taking me. I nodded.

“Well it’s real nice. I live on the 7th floor.” Once the car slowed to a stop, I noticed that it’s raining a little, and we just arrived to the Paradise Apartment. I look up at the black brick building with a broken lit sign that said Paradise Apart. I put my hood on and jump out of the car to get my stuff out the back and Yoongi meets me at the trunk. “Here, lemme help you’re my last ride for the night, anyway.” This time I let him hold my backpack and carry on instead of my heavy ass suitcase. He looked like he silently thanked me. We walk through the double doors, and I was shocked. It was really nice. The ceiling was high with a huge chandelier in the middle with what l can assume is brand-new furniture and marble floors so clean I could see my reflection when I looked down. Also, it randomly smelled like vanilla. Yoongi notices my shock. “I told you it was nice.” he shrugged. We head to the elevator.

 “What floor do you live on?”

“5th.” I say as I hit the button. His eyes widen. I’m automatically confused.

“What is that a bad floo-”

“N-No, but what apartment number do you have?” He looked up at me with nervous eyes.

“95b-” I answer nervously. He closes his eyes, brings his head down and let's out a long sigh. He leans back on the wall of the elevator. 

“So you’re just gonna freak out and then act like nothing happened?” I question.

“You’ll be fine. I just overreacted.” We get to the floor. I hesitate.

“After you.” I gesture towards him. He chuckled all cool and leaves the elevator with me following him. He leads me to my apartment, 95B. I opened my door to see my apartment. Just like the pictures. Pretty average compared to the lobby, but still very nice. It was a studio, perfect. 

“Nice, so it’s just you here?” Yoongi asks.

“Yeah that’s why I got-” I was interrupted by a knock on the door. Yoongi and I exchange looks but his was a little more cautious. I shake it off and go to the door and turn the knob. When I open the door, I swear my eyes blurred for a second. Almost as if I wasn’t allowed to see what was on the other side. I see the most beautiful, petite, pink haired man I’ve ever seen in my life. His features were angelic, from his sparkly eyes to his luscious pink lips that made my mouth water. He looked very kind and had a hint floral scent. But he was so intimidating, still. He was shorter than me but I barely made eye contact out of fear. 

“Hey, I-I’m sorry to interrupt. I just wanted to introduce myself. I’m Jimin, I live across the hall in 95a.” He introduced. As I’m still in shock, I stuttered out a response. 

“O-Oh. O-Okay. Hi! I’m Taehyung. You can call me T-Tae if you want!” I shake his hand. His hand had a firm grip, but his hand itself was soft. “I like Taehyung.” He smirked up at me. I know my hand was sweating, so I let go of his hand. He chuckles at my shyness. 

“Oh hey Yoongi. I thought I saw you come in here” He notices behind me. Yoongi looks at Jimin and drops my carry on bag. 

“Yeah, I was helping Tae with his bags. But I’m about to get going back to my place.” He says annoyed while never breaking eye contact with Jimin. Jimin murmurs in confusion at his action. Then his eyes go wide in realization. 

“OH! I’m sorry I should leave. It was nice meeting you Taehyung.” Jimin reaches his arms out to me. 

“Sorry I’m a hugger!” He giggles and I awkwardly pulled him into a hug.

“You break his heart, I’ll dog walk you.” He warned with a hard squeeze of my shoulder. Chills were instantly sent through my body. Along with utter confusion. He breaks the hug looks at Yoongi with a smirk, then sends a warning glare back up at me and leaves. 

That was the first time I see Park Jimin. 

i was tagged by @jacksbutland! Legit havent done one of these in agessss so thankssss for the tag!! <33

Rules: Answer these 92 statements and tag 20 people

LAST:

1. Drink: water

2. Phone Call: my sister literally just called me whilst making this.. she wanted to know if we had poppadoms at home lol

3. Text message: to my sister about fantasy pl… we love football.

4. Song you listened to: m.A.A.d city by Kendrick Lamar

5. Time you cried: last night listening to some song :) (was a sad song but i love a good cry)

6. Dated someone twice: nahh dont think i’d ever go back to someone i once dated but who knows!

7. Kissed someone and regretted it: only once tbh which is good considering

8. Been cheated on: nah

9. Lost someone special: yeah

10. Been depressed: dont think so, feeling low perhaps but nothing long-term

11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: im never usually sick when I get drunk! although i was really ill when I was spiked in my first year at uni which was fucking horrible. I was lucky to get home.

LIST 3 FAVOURITE COLOURS

12-14. burgundy, dark green and navy blue

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU:

15. Made new friends: countless!

16. Fallen out of love: nahhh

17. Laughed until you cried: definitely

18. Found out someone was talking about you: probably

19. Met someone who changed you: in a way everyone has an impact but i dont think i’ve changed too much!

20. Found out who your friends are: i always knew

21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: a few

GENERAL:

22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: all of them!

23. Do you have any pets: yep! Got a loooovely black cat called Mac :D

24. Do you want to change your name: nope

25. What did you do for your last Birthday: I was working on my actual birthday but the day after i went to Brighton Pride which was incredible!!!

26. What time did you wake up: 6:25am

27. What were you doing at midnight last night: sleeping lmao

28. Name something you can’t wait for: to go to Cambodia this November to work as a volunteer at a children’s centre for 5 weeks! Ganna be amazing!

29. When was the last time you saw your mom: this morning!

30. What is the one thing you wish you could change in your life: I wish my relationship with my mum was better.. i wish i could tell her important personal things but i feel awks about it!

31. What are you listening to right now: erm nothing

32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: looooads

33. Something that is getting on your nerves: the world tbh

34. Most visited website: probs tumblr, fb and youtube

35. Elementary: I hardly remember it but primary school was fun!

36. High School: yep i went to secondary school and then college for 2 years (before uni)

37. College: just finished university… time to do something with my degree yikes lol

38. Haircolor: light/normal brown?

39. Long or short hair: loooong as i havent cut it in nearly a year… i need to do that/

40. Do you have a crush on someone: nope

41. What do you like about yourself: I like my sense of humour and outlook on life. Oh and my hair :)

42. Piercings: just the standard ears

43. Bloodtype: not a clue!

44. Nickname: some people call me Els or Ellie but I’m fine with Eleanor!

45. Relationship status: single

46. ??? if this is about my relationship status, im just living life tbh

47. Pronouns: she/her

48. Favorite TV Show: game of thrones probs.. its the only one i watch!

49. Tattoos: not yet! I want to get one of a Fox though because its the family name!

50. Right or left: im right handed

51. Surgery: i’ve had stitches but no major surgery

52. Piercing: ears

53. Sport: is life. whilst my favourite sport to watch is football, my fav sport to play is lacrosse! I honestly looooove it :D

54. ??? same tbh

55. Vacation: not been on one this year yet! but my best friend wants to go to benidorm (lol) with me next year for some bants

56. Pair of trainers: i have some…

MORE GENERAL:

57. Eating: love popcorn

58. Drinking: water

59. I’m about to: do nothing all evening other than eat

60. ??? yep

61. Waiting for: my summer job to finish so i can go back to doing fuck all

62. Want: to watch weekend football

63. Get married: not sure i want to, but definitely not yet

64. Career: well ive got a degree and now im a qualified OT sooo i better find a bloody job init

WHICH IS BETTER:

65. Hugs or kisses: both

66. Lips or eyes: well eyes can be really pretty but lips are pretty amazing too

67. Shorter or taller: im only 5′1 so practically everyone’s taller

68. Older or younger: probs older

69. ??? i know

70. Nice arms or nice stomach: arms. love a good bicep.

71. Sensitive or loud: both

72. Hook up or relationship: atm hook up.

73. Troublemaker or hesitant: neither

HAVE YOU EVER:

74. Kissed a stranger: many a time

75. Drank hard liquor: yes

76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: nahhh dont wear glasses!

77. Turned someone down: yes

78. Sex on the first date: ..not always intentionally but sometimes it just happens, nothing wrong with it. #dealwithit

79. Broken someones heart: hope not!

80. Had your heart broken: nope

81. Been arrested: nah

82. Cried when someone died: yes

83. Fallen for a friend: sadly yes but they never found out and im waaayyy over it so its cool!

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

84. Yourself: YES. im my own cheerleader tbh

85. Miracles: nah

86. Love at first sight: not really

87. Santa Claus: no

88. Kiss in the first date: totally! doesnt have to happen but sure!

89. Angels: nope

OTHER:

90. Current best friends name: Lauren. I’ve known her for 17 or so years (fuck that is long)

91. Eyecolor: to quote my bestfriend, my eyes are “the colour of the brown colouring pencil no one uses.” thanks lauren.

92. Favorite movie: fuck knows tbh! I have looooads!

i’m tagging @ander-herrera, @harryswinks, @jordanshenderson, @thiagosalcantaras, @tiny-red-dancer, @stevenbirnbaum, @lunarks, @jacksannie, @leivangel aaaand anyone else if you wanna!

blue, navy blue, i'm as blue as i can be, cause my steady boy said "all of them", one hundred something questiiiions

1: How tall or short do you wish you were?I’d take a couple more inches but like this is fine2: What’s your dream pet? (Real or not)It would be so cool to have a snake…but a dog is also really good…3: Do you have a favorite clothing style?cool jackets are cool…for myself I like target man tshirts4: What was your favorite video game growing up?I had these Magic School Bus computer games that were truly excellent. there was one about whales and dolphins and one about rainforest animals5: What three things/people do you think of most each day:idk…the Majority of my thoughts are either very self-centered or just the song that it’s time to have in my head6: If you had a warning label, what would yours say?fuck idk. warning: occasional stupid bitch 7: What is your opinion on [insert person/thing here]?hmm! vague8: What is your Greek personality type? [Sanguine, Phlegmatic, Choleric, or Melancholic]I got sanguine on a quiz I took once and I like that because I like blood9: Are you ticklish?yeah, not Extremely tho10: Are you allergic to anything?guinea pigs, cats, pollen11: What’s your sexuality?i’m Gay12: Do you prefer tea, coffee, or cocoa?Tea13: Are you a cat or dog person?they are both good and i really like both…i’ll say dogs because i’ve been seeing a lot of very good ones lately + the cat allergy14: Would you rather be a vampire, elf, or merperson?VAMPIRE15: Do you have a favorite Youtuber?I watch beckiejbrown a lot and I think she’s cool16: How tall are you?5'7"17: If you had to change your name, what would you change it to?Benjamin..perhaps…but there’s too many bens so I guess I’ll just have to be Larl18: How much do you weigh? [Only ask this if you know the user doesn’t mind!]between 144 and 150 pounds19: Do you believe in ghosts/spirits?eh…nah20: Do you like space or the ocean more?The ocean..has more animals in it21: Are you religious?non22: Pet peeves?when people call frogs venomous or spiders poisonous23: Would you rather be nocturnal or diurnal [opposite of nocturnal]?diurnal…i like Sunshine24: Favorite constellation?i like cassiopeia she’s spiky25: Favorite star?uhhhh I don’t have one26: Do you like ball-jointed dolls?i think they are..flexible?27: Any phobias or fears?MIRRORS IN THE DARK MIRRORS IN THE DARK scary. 28: Do you think global warming is real?yeah lol29: Do you believe in reincarnation?not really30: Favorite movie?hmmm. i liked inglorious basterds a lot but i’m mostly saying that because i can’t think of any movies that have made an especially big impression on me at the moment31: Do you get scared easily?..yes i’m sensitive32: How many pets have you own in your lifetime?1 frog 2 tortoises 4 guinea pigs & a lot of fish33: Blog rate? [You’ll rate the blog of the one who’s asking.]8/10 content is great but posting frequency is too spread out34: What is a color that calms you?green like my room at home35: Where would you like to travel and/or live?I want to go to like..australia. or some other place with cool and weird animals!36: Where were you born?atlanta :P37: What is your eye color?brown38: Introvert or extrovert?IntroVert39: Do you believe in horoscopes and zodiacs?not really but i like to read things about them anyway40: Hugs or kisses?WHY not both41: Who is someone you would like to see/visit right now?clarissa…so far away…an entire TIMEZONE42: Who is someone you love deeply?Antonie Hvan Leeuwenhoek43: Any piercings you want?maybe something extra on my ear?44: Do you like tattoos and piercings?they’re cool45: Do you smoke or have you eiver done so?i neiver have done so46: Talk about your crush, if you have one!sexy. very shapely calves. extremely good at calculus and physics and programming. 47: What is a sound you really hate?when my shoe scrapes on the sidewalk48: A sound you really love?the echoes from the main staircase in the mlc49: Can you do a backflip?no :(50: Can you do the splits?no51: Favorite actor and/or actress?i like..karla souza52: Favorite movie?this has been asked previously and i still don’t have a good answer. 53: How are you feeling right now?cool! kind of tired54: What color would you like your hair to be right now?uhh this color’s good55: When did you feel happiest?jeez idk that’s pretty hard to answer56: Something that calms you down?my green chair in my room at home57: Have any mental disorders? [Only ask this if you know the user doesn’t mind!]i do not58: What does your URL mean?it’s vaguely homestucky59: What three words describe you the most?cool. sexy. innovative.60: Do you believe in evolution?hell yeah61: What makes you unfollow a blog?content that i don’t like or no content for a long time62: What makes you follow a blog?content that i like63: Favorite kind of person:cool person64: Favorite animal(s):guinea pigs. orcas. cane toads. naked mole rats.65: Name three of your favorite blogs.teensplop.blogspot.com is my ultimate favorite blog ever. my favorite tumblrs are of like random people who i follow and i would feel weird @ing them66: Favorite emoticon:girl with carrots67: Favorite meme:bode was pretty good68: What is your MBTI personality type?i think i got infp when i took it69: What is your star sign?capricorn70: Can your dog roll over on command, if you have a dog?i don’t have a dog :(71: What outfit out of all your clothes do you like to wear the most?dark gray vneck from target and my Excellent jeans72: Post a selfie or two?i’ll do that..later73: Do you have platform shoes?no i’m tall74: What is one random but interesting fact about yourself?my blood type is A positive75: Can you do a front flip?into a pool or on a trampoline76: Do you like birds?hell yeah! i wanted to be an ornithologist in 6th grade and if that ended up being my life i would be satisfied and happy77: Do you like to swim?Yeah Put Me In The Water78: Is swimming or ice skating more fun to you?hmm. i guess swimming? ice skating is very fun though. and it has to be the correct context of swimming like the water is clean and i can swoop around in it79: Something you wish didn’t exist:*****es80: Some thing you wish did exist:my huge future muscles81: Piercings you have?one in each earlobe82: Something you really enjoy doing:dancing in a loud bar83: Favorite person to talk to:different people have different good talking qualities but there is a special kind of conversation i can only hold with my sister84: What was your first impression of Tumblr?this sure is The Place For Fanart85: How many followers do you have?15086: Can you run a mile within ten minutes?hmm…i feel like yes but i would be very tired after87: Do your socks always match?almost always yes88: Can you touch your toes and keep your legs straight completely?i used to be able to but no longer89: What are your birthstones?i think turquoise?90: If you were an animal, which one would you be?something sneaky and timid and nocturnal91: If a flower could aesthetically represent you, what kind would it be?it has 5 smooth white petals and a smooth green stem and i was so into it for like some time in second grade92: A store you hate?urban outfitters93: How many cups of coffee can you drink in one day?ideally zero94: Would you rather be able to fly or read minds?fly95: Do you like to wear camo?not particularly96: Winter or summer?summer for sure..i like Sunlight97: How long can you hold your breath for?i don’t feel like testing this rn98: Least favorite person?let’s say johnny rives99: Someone you look up to:my veterinarian cousin is cool100: A store you love?binders is pretty cool101: Favorite type of shoespumas 102: Where do you live?in a College Town103: Are you a vegetarian or vegan? If so, why?no i love MEAT104: What is your favorite mineral or gem?star sapphires are pretty cool?105: Do you drink milk?on occasion106: Do you like bugs?yeah :)107: Do you like spiders?yeah :)108: Something you get paranoid about?people thinking i shouldn’t be in a place109: Can you draw:yeah i think so110: Nosiest question you have ever been asked?nothing comes to mind111: A question you hate being asked?what kind of music do you like?112: Ever been bitten by a spider?maybe…i had this huge itchy leg bump the past few days that i think might have been from that113: Do you like the sound of waves at the beach?yah it’s nice114: Do you prefer cloudy or sunny days?mmm sunny115: Someone you’d like to kiss or cuddle right now:Antonie Hvan Leeuwenhoek116: Favorite cloud type:Ummm ones that are interestingly shaped! not just stratus. everything else is cool117: What color do you wish the sky was?blue is good118: Do you have freckles?yah119: Favorite thing about a person:do people like actually have an answer to this in mind120: Fruits or vegetables?VEGETABLES121: Something you want to do right now:eat dessert122: Is the ocean or sky prettier?mmm sky!123: Sweet or sour foods?sweet…124: Bright or dim lights?uhh depends on the mood125: Do you believe in a certain magical creature?…no?126: Something you hate about Tumblr:some of the discussions on here happen in really weird and negative ways but i’m pretty much never involved so whatever127: Something you love about Tumblr:lots of nice content128: What do you think about the least?i don’t fucking know since i’m not thinking about it129: What would you want written on your tombstone?something about science contributions maybe130: Who would you like to punch in the face right now?i’m not in a really violent mood rn131: What is something you love but also hate about yourself?nothing comes to mind132: Do you smile with your teeth showing for pictures?yeah133: Computer or TV?computer IS tv134: Do you like roller coasters?yeah :D135: Do you get motion sickness or seasickness?sometimes…not recently136: Are your ears lobed or attached?lobed137: Do you believe in karma?eh138: On a scale of 1-10, how attractive would you say you are?this really varies but like in the middle somewhere. not a 1 and not a 10 for sure139: What nicknames do you have/have had?sarah calls me em…that’s it140: Did you have any pretend or imaginary friends?hmm sarah and i had an imaginary little sister named lucille and an imaginary dog named ruby141: Have you ever seen a therapist/shrink?non142: Would you say you are a good or bad influence to others?i try to be a good influence?143: Do you prefer giving or receiving gifts/help?i like…giving ;)144: What makes you angryjohnny rives145: How many languages do you speak fluently?One146: Do you prefer boys, girls, and/or non-binaries?i’m a lesbian147: Are you androgynous?hmm i think i’ve reached that somewhat148: Favorite physical thing about yourself:i like..my feet149: Favorite thing about your personality:i try to…be nice150: Name three people you would like to talk to right now in person.julia clarissa sarah151: If you could go back into time and live in one era, which would you choose?i’m good staying here thank u152: Do you like BuzzFeed?it can be entertaining but i don’t think it’s good153: How did you meet your spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend/partner? [If you have one.]introduced by a mutual friend is the most basic explanation154: Do you like to kiss others’ foreheads or hands for platonic reasons?yeah!155: Do you like to play with others’ hair?yah156: What embarrasses you?being in the gym157: Something that makes you nervous/anxious:the gym158: Biggest lie you have ever told:i can’t say it here…it’s illegal159: How many people are you following?130160: How many posts do you have on your blog(s)?4,507161: How many drafts do you have on your blog(s)?2162: How many likes do you have on your blog(s)?27,596 wow163: Last time you cried and why:thursday night and i have no Fucking clue164: Do you have long or short hair?short165: Longest your hair has ever been:i think it got past my boobs in the first semester of 9th grade166: Why do you like, dislike, or have neutral feelings about religon?i don’t really have any religious affiliations at all so. neutral167: Do you really care how the universe and world was created?..yes? like i think it’s cool and stuff168: Do you like to wear makeup?Not like, regularly, but I like doing my 3am editorial looks169: Can you stand on your hands or head for more than thirty seconds?No170: Did you answer the questions you were asked truthfully?mostly. i didn’t think Too Deeply

@shovelthefries

84 questions tag

@medicallyinduced thanks for the tag! <3

LAST:

1. Drink: Coffee

2. Phone Call: My mom

3. Text Message: My friends

4. Song you listened to: I Wanna Be Your’s by the Arctic Monkeys (still stuck in a very real and unrelenting Vauseman vortex which causes me to listen to strictly love songs.

5. Time you cried: 3 days ago

HAVE YOU: 

6. Dated someone twice: No

7. Kissed someone and regretted it: No

8. Been cheated on: No

9. Lost someone special: Yes

10. Been depressed: Yes, but it was very temporary 

11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: No

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS:

12. Purple

13. Green

14. Orange

IN THE LAST YEAR YOU HAVE: 

15. Made new friends: Yes

16. Fallen out of love: No

17. Laughed until you cried: Yes

18. Found out someone was talking about you: Yes :/

19. Found out who your friends are: This is worded weirdly but I guess ??

20. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: No

GENERAL:

21. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: I know of all of them but I wouldn’t consider myself close friends with the majority. 

22. Do you have any pets: Yes, a lynx-point siamese named Zoey

23. Do you want to change your name: Nah

24. What did you do for your last birthday: Went out to eat with my friends at a colonial style restaurant

25. What time do you wake up: Usually around 7-8

26. What were you doing at midnight last night: Sleeping :*

27. Name something you can’t wait for: Going to the beach

28. When was the last time you saw your mom: An hour ago

29. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: My god awful anxiety

30. What are you listening to right now: The air conditioner

31. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: This is really weird but in 7th grade I ooVoo’d a boy in 6th grade named Tom

32. Something that is getting on your nerves: My anxiety/not being able to keep up a conversation

33. Most visited website: Twitter

34. Mole/s: One to the left of my nose and a few on my arms

35. Mark/s: A few scars from my cat and from the time I fell on the concrete whilst running to a water slide because I saw the line was short

36. Childhood Dream: That I would write a book

37. Hair color: Dark brown, some say it’s black, but it also sometimes looks red in certain lighting idk

38. Long or short hair: Long but because it’s so curly you can’t tell until it’s wet

39. Do you have a crush on someone: Yeah I’m in pain 24/7

40. What do you like about yourself: LOL definitely nothing physical but my tendency to do the right thing and my creativity 

41. Piercings: none

42. Blood type: I’m pretty sure B+ but don’t quote me on that

43. Nicknames: My close friends call me Henya and I’m not sure how it started

44. Relationship status: *sobs* single

45. Zodiac: Virgo

46. Pronouns: she/her

47. Favorite TV show: TWD & OITNB

48. Right or left hand: Righty

49. Surgery: Idk if this counts but I had the gap between my two front teeth cut away

50. Hair dyed in different color: Never

51. Sport: I used to play soccer 

52. Vacation: I go to Delaware a few times a year to visit my grandparents but my one actual vacation was to England, Italy, and France with my school

53. Pair of trainers: omg this is a british questionnaire and my favorite is a pair of adidas that have a floral design

MORE GENERAL:

54. Eating: fave food is ice cream which i just had and now i’m content

55. Drinking: if we’re talking alcohol my go-to is beer and if we’re talking anything else i love ginger-ale

56. I’m about to: sleep hopefully

57. Want: my immediate want is a relationship and my future want is a family with a job i love

58. Get married: HELL YEAH IM READY TO FOLLOW THE VAUSEMAN EXAMPLE AND GET HITCHED

59. Career: I hope to teach English at a university level/write a novel/work for a publishing house

60. Hugs or kisses: both i’m a sucker for love

61. Lips or eyes: eyes

62. Shorter or taller: Shorter because I’m literally only 5′1″

63. Older or younger: Either the same age or older, and honestly could be at the most 10 years older

64. Nice arms or nice stomach: arms

65. Sensitive or loud: sensitive

66. Hook up or relationship: RELATIONSHIP RELATIONSHIP RELATIONSHIP

67. Troublemaker or hesitant: Hesitant

HAVE YOU EVER:

68. Kissed a stranger: no

69. Drank hard liquor: yes

70. Lost glasses/contacts: no

71. Turned someone down: yes

72. Sex on the first date: no

73. Broken someone’s heart: hope not

74. Been arrested: no *does the sign of the cross*

75. Cried when someone died: yes

76. Fallen for a friend: eh

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

77. Yourself: trying

78. Miracles: hell yeah

79. Love at first sight: YEP

80. Santa Claus: no but one of my friends does hardcore

81. Kiss on the first date: sure

OTHER:

82. Current best friend name: Kathie, Emily, Michelle, Kerry

83. Eye color: Brown

84. Favorite movies: The Sound of Music, The Disappearance of Eleanor Rigby, Alien, Dead Poet’s Society, Good Will Hunting

LOL i can’t think of 20 people to tag so here’s a few off the top of my head:

@alexhvrt @edwardshannah @dianevause @fandomsandgaystuff @heynew-glasses @obrienxwesley

Don’t feel obliged to do this; it literally took me an hour and I don’t want to trouble any of you fine folk

One Last Perfect Day

okay so this is basically the exact opposite of my other fanfic lol it’s super sad and i may have cried like 4 times whilst writing it. seriously, don’t read it if you don’t want to be a little bit sad. i decided to post this because my other fanfic had some positive comments on it so uh thanks?? really made my day!! this fanfic is honestly a mess of feelings and yeah.

summary: Dan can’t help but reminisce about the past that he’d spent with Phil. He struggles to cope with the recent death of his friend. 

disclaimer: the way that dan blames himself in part for phil’s death isn’t healthy or right. if you’re particularly sensitive to the subject of drunk driving, PLEASE DON’T READ THIS FIC or just read the fluffy part until the end. I have a pic called cereal box that is much cuter and is literally just some adorable fluff. i'm not claiming that dan and phil are dating. i am DEFINITELY not claiming that either of them are dead (thank god). also this might make you sad and I may have mistakes because my tears make it hard to read what i'm writing :)

warnings: in case you didn’t read the summary, major character death (it isn’t suicide, just a heads up!), a little bit of gay, a lot of angst, idk what it’s called but when you feel guilty over somebody else’s death even though it was totally out of your control, lots of pheels

genre: fluff (italicized) and angst (normal text)

word count: 2,079

how to read the fanfic: okay so the part that’s italicized is a memory of the past, and refers to phil in second tense (though i may have messed up on that because it’s hard to see what you write when you’re actually crying) and the normal text is the present and mostly refers to phil in the third tense (except in a few parts but you get what i mean). the italicized part is happy and fluffy until the last one, so if you don’t want the angst, read the italicized parts!! the fluff isn’t that good, but it’s kinda cute so i guess if you only like the fluff just read those parts:) i included both so that you could see the parallels between dan’s life with and without phil.

~

I woke up and you were next to me. You were next to me in my bed and next to me in my life. You said that you didn’t want to waste the day away. While I would have normally objected to going outside, you just looked so excited and I had no idea how I could say no to that face. I groaned, tired, but agreed to go. I got up and got dressed, grabbing little but my phone and slipping out the door, you dragging me along because it seemed you were excited to show me something, but I had no clue what.

I woke up to nothing but cold. I’d kicked the duvet off during the night. I probably had another nightmare, I’d had a lot of those lately.

I had no idea exactly where we were going, but it didn’t matter, because I trusted you with my life. You were so much more than a best friend to me. I knew that wherever we were headed would be fun and exciting, so I didn’t even need to ask. We got on the tube, and I hoped you knew where you were going because I certainly didn’t and you were pretty bad at using maps. We got off a few stops later.

I knew that there was no way that I could fall back asleep. Whenever I closed my eyes, I saw you, and it hurt. I got up and made eggs for two even though I knew that I’d only end up throwing half of them out. I wasn’t hungry, but I knew that I had to eat if I wanted to stay alive, which wasn’t such an appealing option at the moment.

I asked what we were doing at a fancy restaurant, and you giggled and did that thing where you stuck your tongue out a little. You told me that we’d gotten off at the wrong stop and, panicking, you’d yelped the closest restaurant. I told you that you didn’t need to take me anywhere fancy, that I loved food so much that I wouldn’t have cared if you’d brought me to a McDonalds. You laughed again, that laugh that was like music to my ears. You said that you wanted to treat me, that you wanted to show how much you appreciated me. I blushed, you were just too sweet.

As soon as I took a bite out of the eggs, I wretched in my throat. I couldn’t tell if they were actually awful or if I just couldn’t stomach anything. I really was a horrible cook. Before, I’d never realized just how bad.

I tweeted a selfie from the mirror on the restaurant ceiling. I wanted to entertain our fans without giving away too much about our location. They got a little crazy sometimes. Of course, I loved them for it and always smiled at what they tweeted me. I tried to reply to them as much as possible.

I checked my phone out of habit. I knew I should have uninstalled twitter. Not only were my fans tweeting me, asking if I was okay, but also my friends. They were worried about me, I guess. I don’t know if I believed it. Maybe they were just feigning care to look good in front of their followers. If they really cared about me, they would have stopped by or checked on me, but, so far, nobody had. Maybe they didn’t know yet. The news had reached few people. Maybe they just thought I was taking a short break from the internet. I realized that I could let them continue to believe that, but I just didn’t see the point. Before I deleted the app, I tweeted, “I’m fine. It’s just a lot. I don’t know how much more I can take. You can stop pretending to care.” It was vague and concerning, but I didn’t care. I wanted people to know that I was suffering.

That could have been the most expensive meal I’d ever eaten. It was absolutely delicious, and you payed the whole bill. I offered to split it, but you wouldn’t let me. You said that it wouldn’t be right if I paid for my own appreciation meal. You were too kind, it really was expensive.

I sorted through the mail that I’d let pile up. I couldn’t believe that the world was going on without me. I was here, numb and hurt beyond belief, and the landlord was still demanding bills be paid. The world was just speeding by, and I hadn’t left the flat in who-knows-how-long. I didn’t want to see the sunshine after I’d lost my true light. It just wasn't right.

We looked at the shops along the street. It wasn’t very busy. I picked out a nice coat and bought it for you. I lied about the price, it was double what you thought it was, but you deserved it. you were a good person.

A ping went off on my phone. I’d almost forgotten what day it was. Maybe I’d remembered, but I’d repressed it because I wish that it was any day other than today. I probably wouldn’t have gone if I hadn’t set the notification. If I went, it would be real, and I wasn’t sure that I was ready for that. I wasn’t sure if I’d ever be ready.

We stayed out till dark, wandering the streets and joking about the sky matching my soul. It gets colder, and your coat really wasn’t big enough for two, but we huddled up inside of it anyways. After a while, it became a tad too warm for my liking, but I didn’t really mind it all that much. At the end of the night, you leaned down and gently pressed your lips against mine. Your kiss wasn’t hungry or sloppy or gross like most kisses were. Your kiss was gentle and light and pure, just like him. You weren’t demanding, your kiss filled less with need and more with pure, unadulterated love and care. It was perfect and sweet and not overwhelming.

I went into my closet and picked out my suit. Black, like my soul. Ha ha. The joke left a bitter taste in my mouth, as it really wasn’t all that funny. A joke I’d used a million times before was now a little too accurate, because I felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest, filled only with a black void that had previously been illuminated by a ray of sunlight. All that was left of me was a numb mess of the old Dan held together delicately with masking tape. It was only a certain amount of time until I fully broke down and exploded, but I didn’t really care. I hadn’t done much caring lately, as maybe this whole thing would have been easier if I hadn’t cared so much.

We traveled back to the flat. I could barely keep my eyes open. I rested my head on your shoulders and sighed because everything was good. For a moment, all my worries didn’t matter because I had Phil Lester and you took it all away. I knew that, with you by my side, it would all be okay. Everything would be just fine.

The room was filled with people. I recognized some, and some I’d never met before. It made me angry to see people chatting, making small talk like it were just some meeting at a school club. They didn’t care about Phil. If they really cared about him, they’d be crying right now, not laughing at some joke. They’d be unable to stomach food and they’d forget how it felt to smile. They’d want to throw up every time they heard the word “ace” and they certainly wouldn’t be here, talking like it was any other day.

You knew that I was tired, but you still insisted on rewatching some Buffy. I didn’t want to disappoint you, so I tried my best to stay awake. We curled up on the couch, under my furry dog-like blanket, and watched in silence. You ran your fingers through my curly hair and I rested my head on your shoulder. Everything was peaceful and, without words, we were having the time of our lives. While you watched the show, I stared at you. God, you were so beautiful.

Everyone took a seat, and I could already feel tears start to brew behind my eyes. I wouldn’t let myself cry. I had to prove that I was as strong as everybody else seemed to be. If Phil were here, I’d squeeze his hand and he’d tell me that it was going to be alright. Now, I wasn’t so sure it was.

I dozed off gradually. I woke up to you nudging me lightly. I grinned like a goofball, even though I hated waking up. I had no idea what time it was. You told me that I looked adorable when I was sleeping, and that I should probably change out of my skinny jeans and brush my teeth. I didn’t want to leave, but the jeans weren’t very good for sleeping in.

The pastor asked if anybody wanted to talk about Phil. I wasn’t sure if it was a good idea, but I stepped up anyways. I couldn’t keep it all in. I had to say something to him before he was underground. I sighed.

I returned to the couch where you waited, Buffy turned off, just sitting patiently for me. I climbed back under the blanket and you pulled my close. It was peaceful and warm and I was so happy. It had truly been a perfect day. Everything, in that moment, was just as it should have been.

“Phil changed my life. If I’d never met him, I might be still be lost in my own insecurities. When I talked with him, he made me feel like more than a worthless college dropout. In my eyes, I was a failure, but he never saw me that way. He reminded me of the good in the world, he was a light to the darkness I felt inside. He saved me in a time when I needed it most. I just wish I’d been there to save him,” tears were already rolling down my face, and I was desperately trying to choke back a sob. I looked into Phil’s open casket at his pale, peaceful face. It should have been me. I should have gone with him. I should have been there.

I woke up the next morning to see you up, eating my cereal. I groaned, you did this all the time. You told me that you’d eaten the last of it. I told you that, since you’d finished it off, it was your duty to go and get a new box from tescos, a short walk from our flat. You begged me to go with you, but the couch was so warm. Before you left, you kissed my forehead and told me that you loved me. I called you a spoon.

My words were interrupted with sobs as I prayed that you would open your striking blue eyes one last time, so that my last words to you didn’t have to be, “You too, you spoon.” There was no way that anybody else could have understood what I said, but I continued on through my sobs, “You were my best friend in the whole world. You were the most important person in the universe to me. You knew me better than I did, and everything was just so right when I was next to you. God, Phil, I miss you so much. I wish you were here, I wish that you could hold me one last time, tell me it’s going to be okay, that I can go on without you. This has been the most fun I’ve ever had.”

You hadn’t been back in a while, but I was sure you were just caught up looking at something. After quite a while longer, I started to worry. Than, I got the call. All I could think was, “Who drives drunk at 9AM?” I didn’t want to think. I didn’t want to breathe. I didn’t want to exist. I was sure that life had just stopped or that the universe was pulling a cruel joke after that one perfect day. I was sure I’d never be okay again.

It’s been five years since Phil died. Some days are still hard, waking up without him next to me. I still cook double the eggs sometimes. I still leave my cereal on the counter because I forget that he isn’t here to forget to put it back in the cupboard after he steals it. I don’t know if I could honestly say that I accepted that he was gone. I don’t know if I could claim to have forgiven the man who took my best friend away. I don’t know if I could say that I still don’t have nightmares and break down crying whenever somebody says “ace” and rewatch his old videos until I can’t cry anymore. I can’t say that I’m okay, and I can’t say that I forgive myself for not going with him to Tescos. What I can say is that I’m recovering. It still hurts like he died yesterday, but I’m trying to learn that it isn’t my fault. I’m trying to be okay, and I’m glad that I got one last perfect day him. I wasn’t really alone, no matter how it felt. Phil, wherever you are, I hope you know that I’m proud of you. You really did save me, and I’m forever grateful for that. This was the most fun I’ve ever had.

“At least you’re still alive”. It’s almost as bad as “at least you’re sober”. I really have no idea what those mean to me. Alive…dead…sober or high, I don’t see importance of one state over another. Suicidal, I am not. I’ve been suicidal before because I thought that’s what you do when you’re depressed. A suicidal thought would cross my mind saying life would be much easier if I weren’t here. I would go with that thought believing it was real. But if there was any amount of known pain involved in a certain method of suicide I wouldn’t want use it. So the best way was Tylenol. Right? As if! Twice even!

My belief system had been this: I’m capable of thinking a thought therefore it must be true and I have no choice but to follow that one path. I really didnt know, deep down, I had a choice about everything…and I mean e-ve-ry-thing until about 2013. My first lesson was in 2004. Being sober for almost a year I found some solace at a Methodist church in the Lakeview neighborhood of Chicago. I attended an orientation class for those who were curious about becoming more involved with that specific church. The straight pastor who had been suspended from serving this church for marrying gay couples said, “we’re more universalist than Methodist here. Some of us actually believe that Jesus didn’t rise from the dead which doesn’t mean youre not a Christian.” I knew what he said was Truth yet still I was flabbergasted and gratitude radiated from my body like light from the sun.

The second lesson was in 2011. I had been using crystal meth off and on for about a year. My most personal and revealing tweak was carpet combing. I would spend hours (in total adding up to days and days) combing through my carpet to see if I or anyone else had dropped any crystal meth whether or not it was used in that part of the apartment. The sense of lack in my life was fierce. Lack of choices. Lack of friends. Lack of money. Lack of worthiness. I wanted more T and that shiT was expensive. Letting the cat out of the bag and revealing my tweak to a “friend” he said, “You have a choice. You need to tell yourself to get up off the floor and do something else. That shit is pathetic”. Why did he have to add THAT at the end? My sense of lack was so loud I had neglected my truer instincts.

I have never understood concepts such as a God based out of major religions, baptism, funerals, I am supposed to give a shit about the plight of every human being (especially when I could imagine aspects unknown to my experience and without judgment), and the importance of “at least I didn’t die”. Gosh, I must be a heartless person. That’s not what most people have told me, though. My first sponsor (in AA) of eight years mentioned that I was very altruistic at least once in every conversation, always trying to affirm my worthiness. I had no idea what that meant, at first, so I looked it up. It meant I was a very giving person with no expectation of reward or reciprocity? Please. No one…absolutely no one I know is the perfect model of altruism. A reward always awaits in anything we do or are with the simple release of the feel -good-chemical dopamine. I had started to hate all people because I gave too much of my energy trying to be friends with everyone. I sat on the term, altruism, for quite a long time trying understand why he would say that. My sponsor also sat on a pedestal where i had placed him until it came crashing down during the “relapse” or “revolving door” years between 2009-2012. I recall six major flaws in our relationship. 1. He would always forget routine activities that had been happening for years. 2. When I started “relapsing” on Crystal Meth his ignorance and lack of curiosity of what I was going through climaxed with “you were gone for three months and you still have your teeth”. 3. He actually meant “intuitive” or “empathic”…not altruistic…u’s, t’s and i’s…I see it. (And yes ive had almost all UTIs…LOL) 4. The statement, “you are now a chronic relapser” stung. 5. I was way too sensitive. 6. I placed him on that damn pedestal…he’s not perfect.

In 2013 my experiences had been traumatizing enough to bring me back to sobriety and rehab for what I had thought would be the fifth and last time. I had been attending back to back workshops at Haymarket, the boot camp rehab center in Chicago’s West Loop (two blocks away from Oprah’s Harpo studios) for poor and mandated-by-court patients.The difference between previous rehab experiences and this one was I had sensed an overwhelming flood, an abundance, of worthiness with no external motivation but the observation of a few opinions being thrown my way. Id, ego and super-ego were bookended with the father, son and holy spirit in a matter of a couple hours. Accompanied by my “mind, body, and spirit” theories floating around in my head I had made the connection between the holistic, religious, and psychiatric examples. They’re all the fucking same. Fuckers. Everyone. The whole bit. We, as human beings, have come to a place of identification and political correctness, no matter how liberal or conservative, dividing ourselves into the most lonely of separation. It’s all the fucking same. We’re all the fucking same. A fun bitterness accompanied those thoughts and feelings…just pure instinct, knowing, curiosity, and worthiness. Or was I just close enough to the A-Ha energy emenating from Harpo Studios? Who cares?! Naturally, bitterness arrived in the grieving process of letting go of old conditioning, assumptions and ideogy later on but I knew I had touched on Truth. Without knowing I had set out on a mission to choose my own belief system. The excitement of a clear internal motivation allowed me to hear the quiet “no of all nothing” (e.e. cummings) and the little guide posts externally along the way, aka synchronicity. A common phrase in AA made more sense to me then and now. “These (ideas, thoughts, 12 steps, clichés) are merely suggestions. You can take them or leave them”. Now if they, as one example of a recovery community, actually knew how to do that I would still be involved.

Ironically, despite my internal spark, two pieces of advice that I can give anyone today to achieve this state of mind, of knowing abundance, are not of my own making.

1. Set a hoola-hoop around you on the ground. Whether or not you have done this literally or in your mind’s eye, the only thing you need to worry about is inside this hoola-hoop. Dudes…all that gobbledeegook out there, i.e. media, government, gossip, your neighbors, etc are mostly a distraction. Everyday, all day, little by little, I gave this thought and asked myself, “why am I doing this? What is my motivation”. I have a tendency to over do things but the importance of being able to take all of my attachments and examine them overwhelms me with gratitude. My goal was to identify and keep my sense of inner motivation. Ironically I discovered that abundance after quitting injecting crystal meth on my own yet still getting high as a kite. More on that later.

2. Get religion out of ‘spirituality’. I don’t give a fuck if you’re atheist, muslim, naturalist, scientist, evolutionist, creationist, christian, or a devil worshipper. It’s all the same and 99% of all people can relate to this definition. The most important thing next to feeling worthy is being able to communicate our worthiness to each other. Just retrain your brain. Easy, right? If you’re too lazy to do it, fine. Ive been super lazy about lesser important things about which most people have pigeon-holed me into a being bad person. True, external motivation/inspiration exists but I cannot give you your worthiness. You have to feel that all on your own. So, take it or leave it.

Spirit - that life-giving source…the spark of life…energy everywhere…infinite microcosm….infinite macrocosm…atoms…universes…the unknowable thing that makes you or me breathe or get up in the morning or feel or do or be or the fact that scientists say that energy cannot be destroyed.

—“I’ve got spirit! Yes, I do! I’ve got spirit! How 'bout you?!”

Spiritual - expressing that energy. For all people and things something is being expressed. Even a rock.

Spirituality - experiencing the energy from within and from without. The sharing of that energy. Giving and receiving. Selfishness and selflessness. Reciprocity. The flow. Not Aunt Flo….but…The Flow.

What does this have to do with the phrases “at least you’re still alive” and “at least you’re sober”? Because I feel that it’s all the same, life, death, energy. To say otherwise is to imply shame or that I am not as good of a person for being high or dead. I’ve given myself the chance (time and space) to experience where motivation, creativity, inspiration, passion, love, hate, boredom etc comes from. All of these are within the realms of the abundance and gratitude I feel. I think it’s a lot like the idea of Zen….that energy and motivation are coming from the “no of all nothing”. Relax and go. And it’s even okay to question it all because I am naturally human, merely a doubter, a forgetter, blinded by my ability to separate, organize and categorize. In that painful distraction I can experience an even more powerful understanding that “it’s all the same.” Through the Flow of every experience, high or sober… dying or living, I can allow my humanness to evolve into knowing a little better than the last time I forgot. I have come to accept that, over time, I have seemingly no choice but to evolve in any state of being through some higher purpose…or inner purpose…or. Maybe I’m limiting myself by saying I have no choice in the matter. But until that discovery my options seem endless. And only by experiencing and expressing will I be able to see and know those options.

I am existence. I am energy. I am expressing my True Self through the tool of categorization (aka the Ego or Original Sin) and with each glorious experience. I choose to believe in my worthiness through the abundance of my expression without as much filter of seperateness and as many boundaries as I need.

Life is a paradox. I am a paradox.

May The Force be with you.