#I saw so much of my own experiences in todays episode | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

classic-maya · 5 months

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I really loved your view on when did Brian fall in love with Justin and I saw how happy you were about a qaf ask, so here I am:

when do you think britin reunited after the finale, specifically how long do you think they lived apart for AND how do you they reunited? (I couldn't bring myself to watch that episode because this is gonna break my heart) OR do you think they are not together?

I love this fandom and I love you. I’ve been wanting to write some more fic for them for a while and haven’t had the motivation, but this might spur me along.

In the meantime…I’ll start with the last episode and why I have an unpopular opinion about how it ended and then get into how I envision their reunion.

Finale

I know there is a lot of hate for S5 finale, but I honestly love the “It’s only time” speech that Brian gives and it’s so so special to me. I feel like it is one of the most romantic lines in the show because in Brian Kinney-speak “It’s only time” is "I will always love you. I will love you just as much tomorrow as I love you today and the next day and the next and the next. I will die loving you. I will love you if you come back to me and I will love you if you never come back to me because time doesn't matter, you are the person I love and that will never change.”

Not joking, QaF fundamentally altered my view on romantic love. I previously only thought that familial love could be unconditional, but it was such a believable representation of unconditional romantic love that it shifted my perspective. They both truly just want what is best for the other, even if that means they cannot physically be together or at times are not in a relationship. It took my breath away.

All that being said, I definitely do not think of their last scenes together in S5 as a break-up, maybe just a break. They needed to exist separately and apart from each other for a little bit. I think Brian is fairly conscious of their age gap and he never wants to hold Justin back from anything because of their relationship. We see him struggle with this throughout the series, remember him encouraging Justin to make some friends his own age, “Enjoy your youth…I sure have ;)” as well as his many attempts to get Justin to go to and finish college. Even when Justin was with Ethan, of course Brian was hurt because of the cheating, but he also didn’t hold it against Justin because he ultimately wants him to have everything he wants and desires and Brian recognized that he couldn’t give Justin that at the time (let’s Brian’s struggles with low self-esteem aside for the purpose of this conversation). On the other side, Justin loves Brian exactly how he is, and I think Brian’s sudden change of heart (i.e. declaring his love, proposing marriage, turning down opportunities to hook up with tricks etc.) scared Justin.

The two of them went through yet another extraordinary trauma with the attack on Babylon and I think the rush to get married was an extension of that, but I don’t know if either of them were actually ready for marriage. In the same way Brian is afraid Justin will wind up resenting him and their relationship if it were to keep Justin from reaching his full potential as an artist, I think Justin is afraid that if they do get married, Brian will later resent it because he was only caught up in the fear of once again losing the love of his life. But no matter what, something big did shift in a very real way for both of them and made Brian feel freer to express his love for Justin. Reunion

I think Justin moves to New York and has the exact experience he was looking for. He struggles for a bit and he hides it from Brian and his family because he wants to prove to himself that he can do it, that he can take care of himself and Brian lets him. He supports and loves his independence. I think they see each other frequently and are madly, passionately, exuberantly in love even though they live in different cities. I think Brian flies to New York every few weeks and Justin takes the bus to the Pitts every chance he gets.

The first time Brian visits, Justin picks him up from the airport and they can’t stand another moment not touching each other, so they don’t even make it home and end up having a quickie in the airport bathroom. Then Brian takes them to a hotel because he is not sleeping on Justin’s ratty second-hand mattress and letting his roommate hear them fuck their brains out for the next 48 hours.

Eventually, Justin’s art starts selling and he stops struggling. He makes a name for himself and is being flown across the country for different shows and speaking engagements. Meanwhile, Kinnetic becomes the top ad agency in Pennsylvania and begins to gain clients throughout the northeast and in New York to the extent that developing a satellite office in the city only makes sense. Brian moves to New York, not because he is following Justin, but because it has always been his dream. He sells Britin and swaps it for a penthouse in Manhattan that he puts in both their names. Justin moves in without either of them talking about it.

I see them getting married about 7 or 8 years after we last see them in the show, and this time it feels right. They go back to Pittsburgh and their chosen family, the gang and some new friends, are all there to celebrate them. I do not think they will ever choose to have a monogamous relationship. It is not what either of them want nor do they see it as a way to show their devotion to each other. Their non-monogamy looks a lot different than it did when they were younger though. They are both more intentional about the partners they choose and it’s more like the trick of the month vs the trick of the night (or even hour if you’re Brian Kinney). More often than not they wind up in threesomes or moresomes together rather than seeing someone separately. They allow the exchange of names and numbers because they feel more secure in their relationship with each other. The prohibition on kissing anyone else remains.

They don’t have kids together, but they both are in and out of Toronto with enough regularity that Gus sees them as de facto parents who helped his moms raise him. Gus often goes to New York to spend long weekends with them and in high school and college he will spend entire summers in New York with Brian and Justin.

They are the consummate New York power couple; they help each other’s business and are always attending each other’s events. They travel separately for work but always make time to leave the country and vacation together a few times a year. Eventually, they move from the penthouse to a beautiful Brooklyn brownstone and at some point, they (cover Brian’s ears) grow old together.

#britin #qaf #queer as folk #brian kinney #justin talyor #qaf meta #otp: it's only time #orig #anon #ask

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xecutivecucumber · 2 months

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Executive Cucumber's Thoughts on The Bad Batch 03×12!

Spoilers under the cut

Let start out by saying holy heck that was the cool down episode I needed. My sister watched it before me and was able to tell me that Tech/CX-2 wasn't in it for a significant amount, so I was able to get past my disappointment and not be stressed out during the episode. Yes, I'm still on the 'Tech is CX-2 Bandwagon.' I do think they should have revealed him to the audience earlier, because I have to actively avoid Bad Batch social media (*cough*reddit*cough*) for my own mental health because of the negativity around the idea. It's really draining.

Anyway, on to the actual episode!

Today I realized that I might be triggered by Omega being trapped at Tantiss because of some past experiences. (And yes, if you've read my fics you know that I've done it to her too, but I have control over that and I think the problem is the lack of control I have)

Hi Tech! I love you! Please be un brainwashed soon!

I want to murder Hemlock. I don't know if I've ever hated a Star Wars villain like this before. It feels so personal.

It devastates me that they're going to take Omega's clothes away. Clothes that were given to her by people who love her. Ow.

Also you're playing a dangerous game, not keeping those binders on her, Hemlock.

'Is everything all right, Dr. Karr?' 'No, the Jango parent gene got awakened in me and that does not go away'

Why does Emerie think she HAS to do this?

I'm a little disappointed we didn't see Hunter find out about Omega. He's probably just in 'go' mode, honestly. Adrenaline and all that.

Crosshair is so proud of Omega oh my gosh.

PHEE MY QUEEEEEEEEEN

Oh my gosh Tech told Phee about Crosshair. That implies that had more time than we saw. That makes me so happy and sad.

Phee talks about Tech with such fondness. You can tell how much she cared about him. I feel like I'm watching a widow who's processed her grief but still talks about her husband because she loved him.

Also, looking at Phee, she doesn't really have any implied make up on. She's very natural. Good for her.

...Rampart looks kinda good with a beard.

Okay Tech would find the stunt Phee pulled extremely attractive.

This is the closest we've gotten to the original Batch we've gotten in a very long time. It feels good to see them go mission mode with Crosshair.

This is reminding me of Eriadu and I don't like it.

Crosshair asking Wrecker if he remembered whatever plan and then patiently waiting for him to remember lives rent free in my head he's so sweet.

WRECKER'S THEME IS BACK BABY

Also, Crosshair's theme is played in this really fun way?

Crosshair should be allowed to kick Rampart in the balls. As a treat.

Rampart you snake. Crosshair should have shot him in the leg instead of stunning him.

My sister pointed out that the juggernaut represents how the Batch is right now. You cannot stop them.

Man, it's nice to not to be as conflicted when the TK troopers die, as opposed to when clones were sent against them. Quick thought though, does Wolffe have all the remaining clones?

Man these guys get BRUTALIZED.

Them throwing around passed out Rampart is amazing and should continue to happen.

Okay Wrecker has his knife out HE IS READY TO TORTURE A MAN.

Frick you Rampart. He is the worst replacement for Omega.

Aww they probably didn't bring Batcher on the mission to protect her. (Plus she a half trained dog and it was a stealth mission)

And then the boys spent the next hour arguing over who has to call Echo and tell him.

Hemlock you FOULE you're giving Omega ALLIES. Also why are you telling her all this. She will use it against you.

Gall, I hate Hemlock.

Again, I really needed this cool down episode. Though I'm afraid the final three episodes are going to hurt. THIS IS MY FAVORITE SHOW WHY IS IT STRESSING ME OUT SO MUCH. ALSO WAITING A WEEK FOR EPISODES ALSO SUCKS. A LOT.

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esmereldapearl · 15 days

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Hi, this’ll be my first post so bare with me. I’ve never been one to actually post on different social medias and I’m newer to Tumblr too, so if I sound too serious or off that’s probably why. Anyway, to my point;

I am probably going to post a lot of theories or deep dives into different characters from different fandoms and this will be my first! So, here’s a deep dive into Virgil from Sanders Sides; (Spoiler warnings ahead for like EVERY episode)

Let me know if you agree, disagree, or just your thoughts on this if you can, I would like to hear them! I think it would be interesting.

Janus was talking in todays (05/25/24) video, it made me realize that Virgil could’ve left because he wanted someone to be honest with him and show him sincerity, both things Janus hated, and every secret Virgil had would be used against him, his own name was, and that’s why he was afraid to say his name to everyone and now he’s probably realizing Pattons going down the same path he walked, and he’s trying to help his friend but there’s no use. He became closer with Roman because he showed him honesty, he was mean but apologized for his actions and showed him who he is, good and bad, and showed him sincerity when he pushed Thomas to talk to Nico. Virgil showed Roman he was because he was less scared, Roman had shown him who he is and so he will do so too, the purple eyeshadow. In the cheering up episode he was showing things to Roman that he liked, something he didn’t do with everyone because he was afraid of it being used against him, and in the gifting episode he heard Janus against Roman and got angry at Janus because Roman is his friend, someone he can finally trust, someone who won’t use it against him (Janus) or tease him (Remus, DWIT) and he and Roman have a bond where they can tease eachother or make jokes but know they’re jokes because they have trust. Virgil probably realizes that the dollar bill with Roman was special because Romans afraid of Failure and hes feeling like he fails with all his friends who are turning on him, so to give him something personal, or as Janus put it, ploy to his ego, it helps with his insecurity that he’s not significant, Virgil gets that because he had to loose everything he knew to gain what he has now, which is scary and puts you at the bottom of a pit you have to climb out of.

If someone said to you, “I’m not angry” but looked super angry wouldn’t that make you upset? Or if you showed something to them and they said “I really like it” when they have a look of disgust on their face. This is something I feel Janus would do from his mannerisms in the newer videos with Remus.

I think that Janus is someone who can be easily trusted at first, the one you feel finally understands you or is finally nice to you but as you go on with being friends you realize it was all a lie, the relationship’s foundation was built on lies. Remus doesn’t care, nor has he left Janus so their friends. Virgil cared, and left, so Janus is angry at him and uses everything against him- maybe he did it before too. Maybe Virgil saw how the others acted towards him and changed his original motive, sometimes when you see something doesn’t have to be a certain way, you don’t want it to be a certain way. Example being, you can cut the grass with scissors but if you find that tedious or don’t like it, change what you’re doing, make it easier, make it nicer for yourself. Same goes with being around people, you don’t have to be around people who make you upset, or you realize make you upset, because that’s all you know. It’s scary, so scary from experience but when you’re on the other side it’s clearer, nicer, happier— and the fact that Virgil can trust someone so much now that he can finally show them something he likes or the purple eyeshadow is just showing how much better he is, even if it might seem like he’s walking backwards, he’s not, he’s in the clear for the most part.

Virgil is only “going backwards” with saying he’s like the cousin, I don’t think that means he wishes he was back there, I think he means that’s where he’s from, that’s what he knows more, he doesn’t exactly feel like a light side probably, so he’ll assume he just still feels like a dark side. He’s probably afraid that his relationship with Patton is deteriorating over Janus, he’s afraid Patton’s mad at him because of the “I’m not mad at you” but looks upset thing that probably happened with Janus.( I’ve had people do this and it does affect me like that so that’s why I’m saying this) But Virgil would rather protect Patton from him and have Patton dislike him than to stand back and let it happen I’m guessing- I could be wrong though. And, in the video where Janus and Patton are in the woods it’s noted that Janus doesn’t share much about himself to Patton, he might not want people to do what he does in turn.

Maybe that’s why Janus doesn’t like Roman, because he is mean to those he doesn’t trust and then once they know each-other is nice, and trusting and sincere. He doesn’t like him because he didn’t trust him without batting an eye, he realized what road he was on at the start and it crumbled a lot faster than anyone around hims did- immediate, or almost immediate distrust made Janus not like him since there isn’t much to use, just ploys to an ego and that is all. Roman is sincere towards Virgil and Virgil likes that, Janus could be angry that his friend is with someone new and angry at that friend. Janus can make all these remarks and they don’t matter until Roman speaks up and it’s Romans fault. Janus did what he did with Virgil to Roman, found what was important to him, an insecurity, and used it against him. Roman was quick to know the game, but he doesn’t know how to win the game.

All of this, or even some of it could be stuff that people have already realized and known, but I find it intriguing and interesting to think about dynamics and what goes on in peoples heads.

Again, if you want to add, or disagree please let me know, I want to hear what everyone else thinks about this if you’re seeing it- did you already know this? Do you disagree? What do you think is different?

Have a wonderful rest of your day and thank you for listening to my TedTalk.

#sanders sides #roman sanders #prinxiety #virgil sanders #ts virgil #ts roman #janus sanders #patton sanders #remus sanders #theory #my thougts #moceit #logan sanders #fluff #angst #headcanon

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waitmyturtles · 1 year

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Turtles Catches Up With Old GMMTV: Theory of Love Edition

[What’s going on here? After joining Tumblr and discovering Thai BLs through KinnPorsche in 2022, I began watching GMMTV’s new offerings -- and realized that I had a lot of history to catch up on, to appreciate the more recent works that I was delving into. From tropes to BL frameworks, what we’re watching now hails from somewhere, and I’m learning about Thai BL's history through what I’m calling the Old GMMTV Challenge (OGMMTVC). Starting with recommendations from @absolutebl on their post regarding how GMMTV is correcting for its mistakes with its shows today, I’ve made an expansive list to get me through a condensed history of essential/classic/significant Thai BLs produced by GMMTV and many other BL studios. My watchlist, pasted below, lists what I’ve watched and what’s upcoming, along with the reviews I’ve written so far. Today, I’ll cover Theory of Love, a polarizing show that was one of the first BLs to deep-dive into viewer subversion of commonly held judgements. THANKS SO, SO MUCH to the SWEETEST ToL friends EVER for watching along with me and offering your clarity and insight: @lurkingshan, @he-is-lightning-in-a-bottle, @neuroticbookworm, @ginnymoonbeam, @manogirl, and if I forgot anyone, my apologies!]

It was inevitable, in this project, that I would begin crossing lines into territories of beloved vs. utterly hated shows. I had THAT experience in FULL last week with my review of TharnType and the subsequent public and private conversations that that show, and my thoughts on it, engendered. (And it was a FABULOUS experience, let me tell you -- thanks, ALL Y’ALL, for your thoughts and input on that show.)

[Before I dive into analysis, I just want to say that: if you’re impacted by Theory of Love, particularly by way of any experiences you might have had in your own past that you relate to in the show (especially with Third’s reactions to Khai’s behavior), that is VALID AND REAL. I learned in the aftermath of my TharnType review that I need to be a bit more clear about this, especially because of how divided the feelings are on TT and ToL, so: while this review is going to feature effusive praise for this show, I am, by no means, invalidating anything that anyone felt about relating to Third’s feelings or experiences. Those feelings are REAL. And please feel free to skip this review if you need to get away from Khai, etc.!]

So, Theory of Love -- it’s another one that has a heavily divided fanbase. You’re either in HEATED PASSION for this show, as I ended up being, or you PASSIONATELY HATE this show, and/or Khai himself as a character. Things that I heard about this show as I was putting together the watchlist, and as I began to watch it, were things like, “this show features heavy misogyny,” “this show has bad friend behavior,” “Third is treated horribly,” etc.

However, almost as SOON as I started watching Theory of Love, I realized that I was about to enter into a world of subversion, where I had to have my smell test strong and ready -- and I found it to be a FABULOUS experience.

I’m going to talk about a couple of themes here regarding ToL, as I usually do:

1) The tendency that we might have to fall into a compassion/sympathy bias, and how that clouds our judgement of characters, especially regarding their personal responsibility and accountability to others, 2) The large-scale impact of heteronormativity, 3) How behavioral change is massively difficult, 4) How we as populations and societies are ACTUALLY RESISTANT, OFTEN, to people around us changing,

and more, if I get to it -- because there’s a lot.

As soon as I started the first episode, I was like -- ooooh, FUCK, we’re gonna get played, aren’t we? Third/Gun’s tears. Sobbing in the shower with his clothes on. Raging in despair over Khai’s behavior with women.

First, I ran to MDL, and saw the screenwriters -- and I was like, OHHHHHHH. OKAY. I SEE WHAT WE GOT GOING ON HERE. Bee Pongsate, Pratchaya Thavornthummarut, and Au Kornprom -- some of the heaviest of hitters, in my opinion, authors and/or ADs of some of the best writing that I’ve seen on television (Bad Buddy, anyone?). (I saw a LOT of proto-BBS in ToL, which I’ll hopefully reference throughout this piece.)

When I saw these names, I knew I was in for an experience of emotional subversion, and that’s kind of when I started flipping my lid about this show -- right fucking away. And I felt that I knew what they were doing by giving us so much of Third’s despair, hot and heavy, from the very start.

Let’s backtrack for a moment. When Extraordinary Attorney Woo aired last summer, I referenced in a few of my posts the concept of implicit empathy bias. For Third, I’d adjust this nomenclature to call it our implicit compassion or sympathy bias, in that: we were presented with a very emotionally impacted person, right away, who really served as a foil in a human character to “translate” what Khai’s behavior meant to a larger circle outside of Khai himself.

What I wrote about Woo Young-Woo in EAW is that we as viewers had a responsibility to check ourselves on our having sympathy or even misplaced empathy for her. I argued: who were we to have sympathy for her? Woo Young-Woo was a fucking badass. She was a kick-ass lawyer, she had a hot guy after her tail, and she knew exactly what her preferences were in her life. Oh, and she probably made bank at that private law firm. She earned the respect of her seniors and was someone to be admired, not sympathized with, as an autistic lawyer.

Implicit compassion or sympathy bias is a concept that therapists need to be aware of when working with clients, as sympathy or misplaced compassion could lead to an unbalanced power differential. Therapists, out of sympathy for a client, may believe that a client may not BE ABLE to change their behavior on their own or with guidance, and may lead to implicit and/or explicit condescension. AND, worse of all (in my opinion): that may lead therapists to not encourage personal responsibility and/or accountability for their clients to own their feelings and their preferences, and allow a therapist to write off problematic behavior and approaches as unchangeable and/or acceptable, even if the client COULD benefit from modalities of change.

And so: Third. Crying in the shower. Despairing over Khai bringing home girl after girl. Raging in pain over his un-communicated love for his best friend.

Now, listen, before I get further: YES, at many points, Khai was a MASSIVE asshole. He even called that first kiss on Third a “colossal dick move” (I REALLY wanna know how to say that in Thai, lol). Asking your homey to leave your place and keeping him on the street all night -- bad. At least find your best friend a couch to crash on.

But there are two things here I want to tease out vis à vis the implicit sympathy bias concept. In the first few episodes, we see Third in his absolute dumps.

HOWEVER. The ways in which he’s either NOT communicating, or trying to communicate in INCREDIBLY passive ways? That’s on Third, and Third alone. Bro, don’t write on Khai’s shirt WHEN KHAI’S NOT AROUND! Dump those clichéd posterboards! If you want someone to know your feelings, you are RESPONSIBLE, on God, for doing that yourself.

Couple that with Third’s judgement of Khai’s behavior. He looked down on Khai’s behavior ... all while belonging to a friend group that was EXTREMELY rooted in what we could call stereotypical heteronormative behavior (and I want to heavily credit @he-is-lightning-in-a-bottle for bringing heteronormativity to this conversation vis à vis Khai -- thank you for letting me borrow your words, let me give you your flowers!).

I didn’t see Third condemning Two and Bone (huh huh, Bone) for doing the same thing with girls.

What I saw X, Bee, Pratchaya, and Au doing here was setting us, the viewers, up for an experience of having sympathy for Third -- and almost IMMEDIATELY being lulled into an experience where we wouldn’t, subsequently, hold Third ACCOUNTABLE for taking RESPONSIBILITY in trying to change the paradigm that he was in. INSTEAD, I posit, it would be EASY to sympathize with him, AND condemn Khai for being a booty-chaser, ALL WHILE Third, or us, were NOT holding Two and Bone similarly accountable. PSH.

And think about how easy that is! Gun’s SOOOOOO CUTE, Y’ALL, UGGGHHH. Him crying? Forget about it. Those tears, those pouty lips! Stop that man from crying, get him a Kleenex Thailand sponsorship!

And, AND, in Thailand, and in America: think about how easy it is to judge hook-up culture. It’s SO EASY. A person can be a whore, a ho, a slut, or easy. Write ‘em off.

We can talk about sexual freedom and agency in one breath, and judge someone for getting tail in the next.

I’m telling you. I was TAKEN AWAY BY THE BRILLIANCE OF THIS SET-UP from the damn start of this show. And I related to it personally, particularly from the lens of heteronormativity, because ... I related to Khai (maybe I wasn’t as much of a player in my twenties, but ya girl, ya know -- I had my experiences, okay?! ANYWAY, moving on, cough cough.)

So I had my experiences. In my majority-Asian girlfriend group, I was judged for my experiences. Why?

Because sex is judged in almost all societies (I’m leaving continental Western Europe out of this, but I welcome input from the family over there!). If you’re getting some, there are others that aren’t, for a myriad of reasons. Why do we judge? For religious and/or cultural reasons, a lack of sex education, a lack of supportive input and guidance from elders and/or friends -- the list goes on.

For being able to hook up with guys (I’m cishet), I was called a slut, a ho, a whore. From my perspective? I was doing.... what everyone else was doing. I was participating in heteronormative society and behavior, and because of the ease of my being able to socially engage with others, I was judged for it. (I don’t carry too much baggage from that judgement. I’m happily married to a man I got drunk with in a bar the first time I met him. All I can do is NOT condemn my kids for doing the same when their time comes.)

Again: ToL was NOT set up to elicit judgement against Two and Bone. The judgement -- as ferociously directed FROM Third -- was written and designed to be AGAINST Khai. In summation: I call bullshit on Third. I would argue that the brilliance of the writing here meant that we as viewers could have been lulled into judging one person for their behavior, while allowing passes for others engaging in the exact same thing. And I’d posit that ToL, above all else, provided an INCREDIBLE meta-commentary on the insidiousness of this selective judgement.

[Let me also add that I believe these messages were woven into the story in other ways. As I chatted with @wen-kexing-apologist about: I compared the name “Un,” Earth Pirapat’s character, to the title of the French film that Bone and Paan were into, Un Homme et Une Femme. “One Man and One Woman.” A message from society that all humans are supposed to be... het and monogamous? And unchanging, at that. Memorialized into media. And anything else could be judged. When, in fact: Un himself broke a mold by being in love with Two (un... deux....) the entire time.]

I would also argue that ToL was not necessarily a condemnation of heteronormativity in society. I think, instead, it served as a reflection for both what we as members of society are willing to accept or not accept by way of acceptable behavior, BUT ALSO: HOW UNWILLING WE ACTUALLY ARE TO ALLOW PEOPLE TO CHANGE.

What do I mean by that?

So, Khai. I think Khai, at the start of the show, was being Khai. I don’t know if it was clear from the start of the show that Third was gay, per se. What was only made clear to me was that Third was in love with Khai.

I’d posit that Khai’s expectation of his friend group was that all of them were heteronormative bros, all into the same thing: getting with women. Why would he have reason to think otherwise? Especially from Two and Bone, this is what the guys were into, night after night.

And it makes me wonder about how he was raised, how not just his friends, but his family, his school community, everyone around him -- how they all treated him. All of those impacts WILL contribute to how a person turns out as an adult. Khai acted this way because, in part -- society allowed him, and likely EVEN ENCOURAGED HIM, to be this way. Because he was a tall, cute, homeslice-kinda guy.

Khai is out there Khai-ing. (And, as I noted during my watch sessions, it wasn’t just Khai Khai-ing. Two and Bone were on the scene -- BUT THE GIRLS THEMSELVES were also on the scene, and engaged in their OWN agency in hooking up with Khai. Girls are playas, too.)

For most of the show, Third is NOT confronting Khai with Third’s feelings. Then Khai learns about Third’s feelings, and tries to get Third to fall OUT of love with Khai, leveraging “colossal dick moves.” Then Third ACTUALLY falls out of love with Khai, and the narrative switch of the show takes place, where we settle into Khai’s perspective and Khai’s attempts at winning back Third’s heart.

Before I get into that switch, I want to note something that I think that the majority of the BLs out of Thailand that I’ve watched so far represent really well. I often write that behavioral change is MASSIVELY difficult. In my real-life job, I very often reference the five stages of behavioral change as a means of relating to my colleagues about difficulties they’re facing in changing something that they’re doing at work. Think about not just GOING on a diet, but STICKING to a diet, if you’ve never been on one; or not just GOING to the gym, but STICKING to an exercise routine, or really QUITTING smoking, as opposed to taking a break. Those changes are MASSIVELY DIFFICULT.

What I saw in the second half of ToL was another UTTERLY BRILLIANT commentary on society: how, once we have someone under our judging eye, how we DON’T LET THEM CHANGE.

Khai WANTED TO CHANGE for Third. Many, many times, he didn’t quite know HOW to go about it. OR, to be more specific -- how to change PER THIRD’S PREFERENCES. And honestly, Third was clearly ready to just BE judgy, right? Gurl.

But, once you get a label, that label STICKS. You’re a bully. You’re a slut. You’re a whore.

You need to do a lot of damn work, in the private eye, in the public eye, to shed those labels. Think about the condemnation of celebrities (I am always referencing this amazing video by Ohm and Perth on mental health). How easy it is to write ANYONE in our lives off, and not ever look back, with a single glance.

And Third wasn’t gonna give an inch to Khai. And I had to say, I admired Khai for trying to do the damn thing. He fucked up, A LOT. Praew? Not necessary. All that unsolicited kissing? NO. Don’t do that.

But here, again, I argue that Third needed to take responsibility and accountability, too. Khai was being far more forward with his attempts at communication. And Third? For some reason, he was written as being, like, UNABLE to listen, talking over Khai, interrupting him, not letting Khai finish a damn sentence.

Both of these two DEAR characters were bumbly and immature AF. I really loved that about the BOTH of them. BOTH junior college students, BOTH learning the ropes of their attraction, especially Khai, who was ROOTED in an otherwise DEEPLY heteronormative experience.... but, again, so was Third, taught by... what, exactly, to not be the open communicator that he NEEDED to be to solve his initially unrequited love. Possibly, and likely, because there was a significant corner of society that would SYMPATHIZE with his pain, without holding him ACCOUNTABLE for that pain, as Two, and eventually Bone, did for him, before turning their attentions to Khai to help Khai seal the deal.

I really love this life lesson. To me, it’s extremely reminiscent of the kinds of life lessons that we saw in Bad Buddy, which is why I might term ToL as a kind of proto-BBS, where we see Bee, Pratchaya, and Au playing with the ideas that eventually became the INCREDIBLE foundation of BBS.

In BBS, Pat and Pran accepted, with robust empathy (NOT condescending sympathy), the fact that their parents WOULD NOT, and maybe even, COULD NOT change -- leading the guys to keeping their relationship secret.

Here in ToL, I love that the writers played with Third’s RESISTANCE to change, but also, designed him to ultimately OPEN UP to it, with Khai’s constant pushing. Khai and Third didn’t have the generational divide that children and parents do, as we see eventually in BBS. They had youth on their side. We saw in the follow-up ToL special that Third is still a jealous MF, a side of him that Khai plays up and is concerned about.

But Bee, Pratchaya, and Au were ultimately SO GOOD to Khai and Third (and Two! and Bone! and Un!), because: they wrote these characters ULTIMATELY WITH GRACE, with the GRACEFULNESS that beautiful behavioral change elicits. To witness their processes of change meant, to me, that the show BELIEVED that people CAN CHANGE, AND, AND -- that humans DO NOT HAVE to suffer from weighty labels that are ultimately just a goddamn and meaningless unnecessary burden.

CHANGE IS BEAUTIFUL, if you can embrace it, and if you can allow your loved ones around to TO CHANGE. And when you change, with your community supporting you: you CAN, and likely WILL, become a better person for it.

WHEW. OH MY GAWD. NOW THAT THAT’S OFF MY CHEST! (For real, for ToL: I had MORE notes written, PAGES OF NOTES, written for this show, than anything I’ve watched on the OGMMTVC list, including He’s Coming To Me, my favorite of the old shows so far. ToL WAS SO SUBVERSIVE. UGGHHHHHH!!!)

Some final quick notes, some easter eggs that I utterly loved, that I couldn’t fit into this review in another fashion:

HAAAAAAA. (Even Khai’s social media probably reinforced the heteronormative lifestyle he had been living before falling in love with Third.)

2) The repeat of the stage/play/sound/actors theme, from ToL, to BBS, to Our Skyy 2 x Bad Buddy x A Tale of Thousand Stars (with references to Earth’s characters, to boot!). GOD, I LOVE HOW THEY COME BACK TO THIS THEME! How not just a stage, but so much of LIFE ITSELF, is so fucking performative for the people around us (including Pat and Pran hiding their relationship, Khai bragging to the homies about girls, all of it!).

3) I had planned to include these earlier in the review, but they ultimately didn’t quite make it -- I wanted to write about a bunch of stuff just floating in my head as I watched ToL:

a) My playlist for this show (“I’M NOT A PLAYA, I JUST CRUSH A LOT,” COME AWN! Where did my mom jeans go, shit...) (And the theme of “just friends”? ToL was a total workshop on this theme for BBS. I wish they had sped up into the future to include Nanon’s song.)

b) I had a whole bunch of New York-isms that I wanted to fit into this review somehow, something that like, Dom the pizza guy on the block would say to Third if Third was crying over his slice:

“Who are you to judge?” (pronounced “whoawu”) (besides Third judging Khai, I’d also argue that this applies to the ladies, too -- who are we to judge the ladies that wanted to get with Khai), “No one owes you jackshit,” “GET IT TOGETHER, my friend,”

but they didn’t quite fit, but I feel like I should still jot them down anyway. ANYWAY!

2019, right before the pandemic hits, a year in which you have SO MUCH BL percolating, great BL like He’s Coming to Me, controversial BL like TharnType. And you have this incredibly intelligent, SHARP, subversive, sexy show in Theory of Love, that just causes RIPPLES among the fanbase. I can absolutely see why @bengiyo calls 2019 the year that BL bifurcated. ToL, like HCTM, to me, was a little ahead of its time. It was so subversive as to maybe even be a little manipulative. Because I’m in binge mode and in the THICK of the best of 2019, I know I was mentally ready for this -- but I can see why some audiences in 2019 were maybe NOT so ready.

But I’m damn glad this show was made. If this script hadn’t been written by Bee, Pratchaya, and Au, then I think Bad Buddy would not have been as subversive as it was. ToL is a phenomenal show, AND it gives me SUCH clarity into the refining of the creative process of this team that ultimately produced BBS. And in terms of layers and layers and LAYERS of meaning and depth, nothing, in my opinion, comes close to BBS. I’m thrilled that we had ToL, and the spectacular pairing of OffGun, to precede that moment.

[ToL kicked so much ass, AND I finished 3 Will Be Free last night, ANOTHER monumental show -- if I can get it together, I’ll drop a 3WBF review later this week, but if not, keep your eyes peeled next Monday.

My time tonight, I’ll be watching Dew the Movie -- another stop on the Ohm Pawat train, on which I’m a permanent passenger. Mans is such a translator of queer revelation and angst. I can’t wait. And thennnnnn, after Dew, a big one, Until We Meet Again. It’ll be my first go-around with Fluke Natouch, which I’m looking forward to; but I was informed by @bengiyo and the clown friends that this shit’s SEVENTEEN EPISODES. WHY DOES NEW SIWAJ HAVE TO DO THIS TO ME?!?! Thailand needs to pass a federal law restricting New to 12 episodes OR LESS! GAH.

But anyway, listen, we are making big progress, and inching ever closer to a major stop on this journey in ITSAY. I know @shortpplfedup is watching my shit very. closely. Annnnd, I’ll take any thoughts on this, but I kinda think that I should maybe do a Very Very Fast Rewatch of KinnPorsche...since it was KP that got me here in the first place, and I think I might have a lot more to say about it, now that I’m firmly familiar with the BL echelon. And, Tong.

Here’s the list as it currently stands. As always, feedback is welcome!

1) Love Sick and Love Sick 2 (2014 and 2015) (review here) 2) Make It Right (2016) (review here) 3) SOTUS (2016-2017) (review here) 4) Make It Right 2 (2017) (review here) 5) Together With Me (2017) (review here) 6) SOTUS S/Our Skyy x SOTUS (2017-2018) (review here) 7) Love By Chance (2018) (review here) 8) Kiss Me Again: PeteKao cuts (2018) (no review) 9) He’s Coming To Me (2019) (review here) 10) Dark Blue Kiss (2019) and Our Skyy x Kiss Me Again (2018) (review here) 11) TharnType (2019-2020) (review here) 12) Senior Secret Love: Puppy Honey (BL cuts) (2016 and 2017) (no review) 13) Theory of Love (2019) 14) 3 Will Be Free (2019) (not a BL or an official part of the OGMMTVC watchlist, but an important harbinger of things to come in 2019 and beyond re: Jojo Tichakorn pushing queer content in non-BLs) (review coming) 15) Dew the Movie (2019) (not an official part of the OGMMTVC watchlist, but I want to watch this in chronological order with everything else) (watching) 16) Until We Meet Again (2019-2020) 17) 2gether (2020) 18) Still 2gether (2020) 19) I Told Sunset About You (2020) 20) YYY (2020, out of chronological order) 21) Manner of Death (2020-2021) (not a true BL, but a MaxTul queer/gay romance set within a genre-based show that likely influenced Not Me and KinnPorsche) 22) A Tale of Thousand Stars (2021) (review here) 23) A Tale of Thousand Stars (2021) OGMMTVC Fastest Rewatch Known To Humankind For The Sake Of Rewatching Our Skyy 2 x BBS x ATOTS 24) Lovely Writer (2021) 25) I Promised You the Moon (2021) 26) Not Me (2021-2022) 27) Bad Buddy (2021-2022) (thesis here) 28) Bad Buddy (2021-2022) and Our Skyy 2 x BBS x ATOTS (2023) OGMMTVC Rewatch 29) Secret Crush On You (2022) [watching for Cheewin’s trajectory of studying queer joy from Make It Right (high school), to SCOY (college), to Bed Friend (working adults)] 30) KinnPorsche (2022) (tag here) 31) The Eclipse (2022) (tag here) 32) GAP (2022-2023) (Thailand’s first GL) 33) My School President (2022-2023) and Our Skyy 2 x My School President (2023) 34) Moonlight Chicken (2023) (tag here) 35) Bed Friend (2023) (tag here) (Cheewin’s latest show, depicting a queer joy journey among working adults)]

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iftheresaproblem-whatever · 8 months

Text

STAR WARS DOESN’T LIKE LGBTQ+ MEN?

(A SHORT FAN ESSAY)

First and foremost. I’m REALLY enjoying the ‘Ahsoka’ series and I can’t wait to see how episode 8 plays out.

I’ve really enjoyed seeing some of my favourite characters, old and new, translated so beautifully to live action.

Almost…all of them.

As of today, there is 1 episode left. 1 episode left of ‘Ahsoka’. Otherwise known as the “sequel” to the Animated series ‘Star Wars Rebels’.

Yet, 2 crucial characters from the aforementioned series, are nowhere to be seen in this series.

We have been very fortunate to see the Ghost Crew, consisting of Hera Syndulla, her son Jacen, Chopper, Sabine Wren and Ezra Bridger make appearances in the series.

We were doubly fortunate to see Anakin Skywalker again in his true form, appearing in a greater capacity than I could have predicted, which was amazing.

Grand Admiral Thrawn has also returned in glorious fashion, portrayed by the very actor who provided the voice for him in ‘Rebels.’

We’ve seen countless appearances from characters from Loth cats to C3PO in our most recent viewing excursion.

However, the only characters missing from the series are Captian Garazeb ‘Zeb’ Orrelios, and (Agent) Alexsandr Kallus.

For those who might not know, Zeb is the ‘muscle’ of the Ghost Crew, who sadly had his planet and people destroyed by the Galactic Emprie. He believed to be the last of his species, until he discovered the secret home world of Lira San, where an entire planet of his kind live and thrive.

Agent (Alexsandr) Kallus is an ISB agent who aided the Empire in the destruction of Zeb’s home world and people. Not only that, it is revealed that he has trauma and survivors guilt because of a rouge Lasat mercenary that worked for Saw Garrera, resulting in the death of his friends on his first unit and the hardening of his heart.

During the series, the two share an episode where they crash land on the ice moon of Bahryn, where they work together to survive and learn a bit more about each other. In the fandom, the entire experience, atmosphere, the relationship between the two men and the episode, as a whole, is regarded as very homo erotic.

As the series progressed, because of his experience with Zeb, Kallus quietly changes his heart and allegiance to the Rebels and acts as a double agent under the code name ‘Fulcrum’. Eventually, escaping the Empire, he joins the Rebellion and fights alongside the ghost crew to liberate Lothal.

During the epilogue of the series, it is revealed, that after the war, Zeb had brought Kallus to live with him and his people on the hidden Lasat home world of Lira San. Zeb reveals that Kallus hadn’t destroyed his people. His people even accept Kallus as one of their own kind, in an astonishing act of forgiveness, despite his transgressions against their species.

In doing so, Zeb gives his mind, soul and heart peace.

Despite how very homo erotic the overall storyline seems, it ultimately started off unintentionally.

Fans expectations of wanting to see the two get together grew more and more in popularity during the course of the shows run. At fan conventions, voice actor Steve Blum, who provided the voice for Zeb, was also very much inclined to agree with the fans that the relationship between the two characters was indeed romantic in nature. He often advocates, to this day, for the two to get together openly, much to the delight of the fans.

Despite the accidental roots of what the fandom refers to as “Kalluzeb”, The shows creator, Dave Filoni, has stated that he is okay with fans shipping the two characters and revealed that the ending for Zeb and Kallus (which was partly the result of Steve Blum’s wishful thinking at ‘Star Wars Celebration 2017’), was left open ended for viewers to decide wether or not the two were a romantic couple or not.

For the next 5 years, that would be enough.

That is until, the announcement of the ‘Ahsoka’ series, and fans were excited to see their favourite rebels on screen once again.

Before the series started, however, Zeb Orrelios made a surprise, 30 second, live action cameo in the 3rd season of “The Mandalorian”. Zeb was seemingly working as a pilot for the Rebellion, donning a blue pilot suit. This lead to fans excitedly speculate that they would see him again in the “Ahsoka” series. This also had them asking the question: Why wasn’t he with Kallus on Lira San?

Over the course of the next few months, trailers would be released for the ‘Ahsoka’ series as well as character announcements at “Star Wars Celebration” in London. In all of these trailers, the only ‘Rebels’ characters missing were Zeb (and Kallus by extension.)

Upon the release of ‘Ahsoka’, as weeks and episodes have gone by, Zeb and Kallus still have not appeared in the series, nor were they even mentioned (until Zeb was mentioned by name in Episode 7). All the while, various characters from ‘Rebels’, ‘Clone Wars’, and even the film series made cameos and took supporting roles in the story, all the while, leaving Zeb and Kallus unaccounted for. Which is unusual, considering that Zeb and Kallus’ story was one of the most crucial plot points in the ‘Rebels’ story, and yet, here they were being left out of the “Rebels sequel”.

At the same time, it’s typical of Star Wars to do exactly this.

In the original run of ‘Rebels’, Zeb, as a character, was often overlooked and underdeveloped in terms of plot and character development. Originally intended as the comedic relief, it’s safe to say, in Season 1, not much was planned for the character. Season 2 however, is where Zeb truly has his chance to shine. From Saving Ezra and Sabine from Inquisitiors, to finding his secret home planet of Lira San, discovering he’s part of a prophecy and surviving and understanding his worst enemy turned ally, Kallus. It truly is his best season in the shows run.

In seasons 3 and 4, Zeb’s storyline was left pretty much underdeveloped and overshadowed by other plots such as the Jedi storylines, the Maul arc, Hera’s ascension through the ranks of the Rebellion, Sabine’s family conflict on Mandalore and the Liberation of Ezra’s home planet of Lothal. Zeb’s only notable story after season 2, was in the episode “WarHead” in which he was left alone to guard the base with Chopper and AP5, while the others leave to do exercises with recruits in space, almost demonstrating my point exaclty; Zeb gets left behind a lot. The episode made little to no impact on the overall narrative of the story. The only significance being that Thrawn gains a slightly better knowledge of where the Rebel base might be.

If anything, Agent Kallus’ storyline acts as a Zeb storyline extension as it was his kindness that inclines Kallus to change allegiances throughout the course of season 3.

Due to a shorter episode count in season 4, little time was spent on either Zeb or Kallus as the story had to reach its conclusion in a short matter of time. The one saving grace, is that both Zeb and Kallus had several great moments in the finale episode, resulting in their “open to interpretation”LGBTQ ending.

With the previous points in question, it has lead me to believe, that Star Wars might be trying to retcon their “maybe they are, many they’re not”LGBTQ ending and eradicate the possibility of Zeb and Kallus being in a same sex relationship in favour of “straight washing” them.

It wouldn’t be the first time it has happened.

Previously, the characters Poe Dameron and Finn from the Star Wars Sequel Series were supposed to be in a romantic relationship, but Disney never went ahead with it due to fear of loss of box office financial success from less open minded countries. (Which personally, I think is a stupid ass reason, but I digress.) In the past, any LGBTQ characters in Star Wars were often background extras that were on screen for 3 seconds or goofy comedic side characters. Only recently did the franchise include a lesbian couple in the series “Andor”, but all the same, we have yet to see two men in a same sex relationship that are leading characters and not being played for laughs. Lesser minded “fans” also often try discourage any LGBTQ content of any kind in Star Wars and will argue that Zeb and Kallus are just “best buddies”. (Because it’s totally straight to bring your “best buddy” to live with you on your highly secret home planet where your species accepts a human as one of their own kind…Yeah. TOTALLY straight.) To which I say, we’ve seen PLENTY of male friendships in Star Wars and LGBTQ people are not going anywhere, so I strongly suggest those “fans” and their fragile insecurities cop on and cop on FAST.

Only time will tell what happens to Zeb and Kallus as we head in to the final episode of ‘Ahsoka’, but my gut instincts say that we might be seeing history repeat itself. However, with the time passed since 2018, the change in LGBTQ visibility in media over the last half a decade, and the fact that ‘Ashoka’ is not constrained to the barrier of “children’s cartoon” as ‘Rebels’ was, I also chose to remain somewhat optimistic that the canonisation of my favourite Star Wars couple comes to be.

AUTHORS NOTE:

In a surprising twist, whilst writing this essay, the official Star Wars account mentioned the term “Kalluzeb” by name in a promotional video, seemingly giving validation to the canonisation of Zeb and Kallus as a romantic couple. Whilst this is very exciting for the fandom, we must also be sure to hold Star Wars to the mark that they deliver on this name drop.

Putting it simply; No take backs.

FanEdit95.

#star wars rebels #star wars #kalluzeb #agent kallus #zeb orrelios #alexsandr kallus #garazeb orrelios #ahsoka series #lgbtq

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thesiltverses · 8 months

Note

To reaffirm what the other asker said - Eskew aligned very strongly to my own struggles with mental illness, now mostly behind me.

From the matching events in David's pre-eskew life to the anguish of living a disorienting and awful nightmare; where alienation and the lack of even the most basic empathy from others felt so absurd and detached that all I could feel was astonished despair. How could this possibly be happening? Couldn't they SEE?

Episode 4 was the hardest, it still is. I lived that.

I used to have the same daydreams about being disabled, of an obvious event to demonstrate that I was suffering, or to explain why I was that way. It evolved sometimes into becoming something like the mirror david. Something powerful and dangerous, cruel and detached. Seen at last, but only in the thralls of regret and fear. It wasn't a healthy fantasy, but I wasn't exactly well either.

A lot of Eskew overlapped so perfectly with my experience, my thought processes following. Even today, so long afterwards, I can't help but feel and think that this other Jon across the sea has seen what I saw and felt what I felt. That this was the perfect and only way to speak of it.

This is beautifully written and I can't possibly add to it - but from one Jon to another, thank you so much for sharing, a heartfelt thank you for listening, and I'm really glad to hear it's mostly all in the past for you.

Yeah, it really sounds like we both went through something very similar.

#cw mental health

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truly-twirls · 1 year

Note

Hello! Honestly you're the first acc i think of when it comes to writing hurt/comfort because of your fics. They're amazing and so so relatable.

tw//depression

If your requests are open, can I please request a Yeonjun fic? My depressive episodes have been coming back lately so I felt like I kinda needed this.

I just want some comfort fic with Yeonjun where his s/o feel like they're not good enough and have trouble releasing out their problems to him and feels like they're just so pathetic and weak and feel like a burden to everyone.

Sorry I just wanted to know how someone who genuinely loves someone would react and say if their s/o was going through such things. I might just be self projecting here as well tho my bad 😅

But! Incase you aren't taking up requests, that's perfectly fine as well so please don't feel pressured. Your other fics are honestly so comforting and nice so it's totally fine. I hope the day will be nicer to you when you read this <33

hehe hi i'm sorry this took so long, also sorry if it's not as great as you'd like, i had a bit of writer's block,, requests are still open!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

playing catch-up - c. yeonjun

Word Count: 1,364

Warnings: Reader is in a depressive episode, Self-deprecation, Brief food mention

Characters: Choi Yeonjun, Choi Soobin (Mentioned), Choi Beomgyu (Mentioned), Heuning Kai (Mentioned), Kang Taehyun (Mentioned)

Genre: Request, Comfort, Fluff (Kind of)

AO3 Link

🌱🌱🌱

‘Why do we, the people, believe we can overcome anything?’

‘What gives us the will to keep on going, even with 200, 300, even 1000 tons upon our weak shoulders?’

‘Well, we’ll never truly know the answer.’

‘As it is different for every person, and their own experiences threaded into their memories.’

That was the big takeaway? A three hour lecture on a Monday morning, and that was all it had to offer? This was where your money was going towards?

Great. Fantastic. Absolutely amazing.

You sighed and packed up your journal and writing utensils, tossing them into your bookbag, and walked out of the dreary lecture hall. You still had three more classes today, with little to no break in between any of them, and to top it all off: They all lasted more than an hour each.

-Four hours later-

You felt stupid.

No, you felt incapable.

The fact that your train of thought had steadied itself for so long, so long. Only for it to collide into a wall that you didn’t even know was there.

It was embarrassing,

You felt embarrassed.

You are embarrassing.

No matter how much you kept looking through notes, dissecting every word that came out of the professors’ mouths, nothing stuck.

It was like you never even went to lecture.

How could you be investing so much energy, so much money, and your mind couldn’t muster the ability to even learn anything?

Honestly, how stupid could you get?

…

And then you really started to think.

It already felt like you were never in lecture.

Was it worth it?

Honestly if one were to truly sit down and think, would one day really hurt?

And that’s how it started.

Just one day.

Then it turned into three days.

Then seven.

Twelve.

…

It’s been three weeks since you last went to a lecture, let alone the dining hall or any university events.

You’ve just been sitting, lying down, pacing, any type of movement really. But it never left the four walls of your dorm.

It was just you.

For three weeks.

Then, at 3am, there was a pounding at the door that jolted you awake. If it’s the fucking RA asking about another incident, you were gonna resort to sleeping at a motel.

“Y/N?”

That voice… Is it..?

“Y/N, please open up, I saw your lights on from the window outside. Please, love?”

It was him.

As you walked towards the door to let your boyfriend inside, you saw a glimpse of yourself in the mirror.

There stood a wrinkled shirt from weeks ago, sweatpants with holes torn from being snagged onto door handles a few too many times, and a ghastly face. One that read nothing but despair, one that barely passed as alive even.

Are you really going to face Yeonjun like this?

After not seeing each other for a month?

Is this really who he deserves to see after spending such a long time in another country for an abroad study?

Unfortunately, your doubts were cut short because of the sound of keys jingling.

You had forgotten that you gave him a spare key a few months ago, who knew how difficult that would make things in the future.

“Y/N? Is everything alright? Soobin told me you haven’t showed up to Literature in almost a month..”

“Not the only one.”

“And Beomgyu asked me why you’ve been skipping out on History and lunch with him.”

“The dining hall is expensive..”

“On top of that, Taehyun and Kai asked if you dropped your Statistics lecture.”

“Okay!! Fine!! I haven’t taken a single fucking step out of this dorm in a month, so fucking what!?!”

There wasn’t another voice to be heard for minutes at a time, only the sound of an exhausted fan.

You hadn’t meant for that to be aloud. Honestly, you just wanted it to pass through your mind and move on.

But the look in Yeonjun’s eyes. There wasn’t a chance that this could pass like the clouds beyond the glass window.

“This isn’t because of me right?”

You resorted to sitting on your bed, internally stuttering as you worked to put together a response.

“I know I was gone for a while but.. It didn’t mean I stopped caring, I thought about you every day.. Y/N, what happened?”

You used a blanket to try and muffle your sobs, this felt pathetic. Yeonjun telling you how he feels and you not saying anything did nothing to ease his worries.

“Please Y/N, give me something.. Anything, I need to know how I can be there for you..”

“Junnie, I’m honestly fine.. It’s just something stupid, I’ll get over it soon.”

At this point your boyfriend stood in front of you, grabbing your hands, “Baby, we both know it’s more than that.. It’s just you and I here. The world is deaf right now, anything you tell me tonight will stay with us. I want to listen to you, whether it’s your happiest moments or your darkest troubles.”

A smile forced its way to your face, although small, the little sparks you feel with Yeonjun returned. Oh, it was such a comforting feeling, as if taking off a sleeping mask after a long slumber, your soul welcomed the light.

“It’s not really that dramatic, love. I just.. um.. How do I say this..”

“Try not to downplay what you feel, it’s real. Your struggles are real, I think saying it’s dumb or not a big deal would make it harder to talk about, yeah?” As he spoke, his hands ran through stray pieces of hair. If he noticed how oily it became, Yeonjun said nothing about it.

“Okay.. well… It became harder to understand, like, what was going on? I don’t know, it just seemed like anything a professor would say, I never got it. Like, I just couldn’t make sense of anything being said.”

You took a breath as Yeonjun finally joined you on the edge of your mattress, “I’m listening.”

“I guess I thought that there was no point in going to lectures if I couldn’t understand what was happening, but I didn’t want to ask any of the guys for help or my friends. I don’t know, it just felt like a bother since everyone has been so stressed lately.. Who would want to take the time to help me?”

Silence filled the air again, but the air didn’t feel as thick, as Yeonjun thought about what to say, you still felt safe.

“I understand, baby. I think when we first met, one of the things I admired about you was how often you took into account how others around you felt. How selfless you are, it’s an incredible part of you, but it’s not the only thing about you. You’ve never given up, not truly. Even now I still don’t believe you’ve completely lost hope. It’s just on pause because of how overwhelming everything suddenly became.”

You nodded as you processed his words, it made sense.

“But when the time comes and you feel ready to press play again, we can rewind the tapes again and pick up where we left off. The world is moving fast, no doubt, but I like to believe that we move at the same pace as each other.”

Yeonjun’s shoulder was met with a playful nudge as you got shy from his remark, “Hey! I’m telling the truth here, no matter how sappy it is! You’re my Y/N, and don’t you worry, we’ll both be back on track in no time, I think I’m still sixteen hours behind but I’ll catch on, so will you.”

A genuine laugh left your lips, it felt nice. Wherever he was, Choi Yeonjun brought the warmth to your life that was permanent, even when the moon was paired with the chilly air that blew through the sleeping cities. The two of you were awake, the two of you were here, and as you shared a sweet kiss, you knew that it would be enough to go to one lecture tomorrow.

Because as Yeonjun promised, you would go at your own pace.

🌱🌱🌱

#truetwirls writes #yeonjun x reader #choi yeonjun #choi yeonjun x reader #txt x reader #yeonjun fluff #yeonjun comfort #hurt/comfort #txt fics #kpop fanfic #kpop fanfiction #tomorrow x together #choi yeonjun fluff #choi yeonjun angst #choi yeonjun comfort #anon ask #request #txt imagines #i hope this was good omg

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dearreader · 1 month

Text

hello fellow members of the tortured poets department.

today i will enter into evidence THE TORTURED POETS DEPARTMENT as a song and analyze it. i’m going to look at the lyrics and the relationship and how that translates to the entire album as a whole.

previous posts: fortnight

this song is pretty straight forward, so most analysis is redundant. as most of the lyrics bounce back and forth between two things:

thinking that they’re nothing but two idiots and not geniuses or actual tortured poets

quiet moments where taylor is reaching out and trying to help the situation and make it last but us hindered.

the first part is mentioned relentlessly, to the point it’s the chorus line, “you’re not dylan thomas/im not patti smith/this ain’t the chelsea hotel/we’re modern idiots”, and also taylor says it point blank in the opening stanza:

“you left your typewriter at my apartment/straight from the tortured poets department/i think some things i never say/like who uses type writers anyway?”

this immediately sets the scene of taylor knowing, either looking back or in the moment, that he was full of himself and it wasn’t as serious as she thought it was. but he disagrees, he does view himself very highly. but we see plently of moments where taylor describes him as just… a guy? he’s literally just some guy who gets high and makes declarations, “you smoked and ate seven bars of chocolate/we declared charlie puth should be a bigger artist/i scratch your head as you fall asleep/like a tattooed golden retriever”. this is how she views him, just some guy. maybe this is her trying to show us what she saw in him.

but this brief moment is cut short by his own issues and possibly hung over, “but you awaken with dread/pounding nails in your head/but i've read this one where you come undone/i chose this cyclone with you”. and because of this he’s most likely pulling back or self sabotaging, as can be indicated by the first verse “but your in self sabatoge mode/throwing spikes down on the road/but i’ve seen this episode before and still loved the show”. the first verse is important to know here as it implies that she’s either seen him or a previous partner experience this before, and based on the albatross i think it’s previous partners experienced this, mainly peter as she implies these two and her relationships to them were incredibly similar. because she’s experienced this before with not on the outside world and media interfering in her love life, but she’s also experienced what it’s like to watch a loved one struggle with this. she’s “read it before” in others albums like folklore or midnights where she discusses the media interfering with her relationship and career. and because she saw how that one ended she fears this will happen again and wants to stop it. because she chose him to get out of her previous relationship so she will stick through it with him.

all while she keeps repeatedly telling herself they will never be able to hold each other or know each other like anyone else. so they have to make it work. they just hsve to. but she does fear it won’t work. that he’ll mess it up and their fated love story won’t work out. but she is deluding the fears with rose colored glasses and thinking that he loves her so much that “he’d kill himself if i ever leave” which taylor even acknowledges she likes because it made her feel seen, which we know is something she craved from her romantic partners in the past from songs like tolerate it and you’re losing me. and because of this guy finally sees her so much and loves it he’d rather die than lose her. she’s ignoring all the warning signs around her because she’s finally being given the attention she’s needed in her other relationships. so she’s willing to wear the rose colored glasses, look past his pretentiousness and issues because he’s giving her what she needed… and that was enough.

but how this connects to the album as a whole and why it’s the title. this album is about taylor grappling with years worth of trauma and suffering. it’s about her grieving a 6 year long relationship with who she thought was blown in with the winds of fate and then dealing with the hurt and betrayal that this guy who swore he’d love her forever was leaving her. her titling an album about how he views himself, and almost setting the album itself into a hospital because she feels like she’s on life support, is her acknowledging the hurt she caused. she’s saying that he’s pretentious and under that he is nothing but an idiot who broke and hurt her to the point she felt like she was in a months long manic episode. this man hurt her. so she wrote an album about her healing journey and dissecting the public’s image of her, the thing that’s ruined so many relationships for her, and titled it with his own ego as a fuck you. it’s very tongue in cheek and subverts all our expectations, including his. she’s not taking herself seriously, she’s moving on and healing, and is making fun of him for being that serious.

i’d like to apologize again to the fellow members for this being disorganized. i had a solid explanation for it but then it took me like two hours trying to figure out how to explain it. but, in summation: who the fuck uses type writers anyway and drags them along to the house of a girl you’ve been dating for under a week? only fucking pretentious idiots do.

(tagging the wonderful @camerabitchsmile cause they’ve organized this event and despite my unorganized analysis i’m having fun with this event!)

#kelly babels #song analysis #the tortured poets department #taylor swift #ttpdminutes

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yukisohmasmokesweed · 4 months

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hii as someone w selective mutism, and after seeing your post regarding yuki being mute, i’ve had this question that wouldn’t leave my head: were kisa and yuki actually selectively mute or was it due to traumatic mutism or something else? maybe i’m just self-projecting, but despite us being mute for different reasons (it is possible to have SM from trauma, though it is rare), i always saw myself in both of them when it came to their muteness (i’m really sad yuki being mute was only touched on in kisa’s ep and then never brought up again) so their characters mean a lot to me. just thought I’d bring this up and ask since there isn’t any discussion surrounding this and from the posts that i’ve seen on here, people just seem to go w kisa having SM (and by extension yuki) and just say that it’s canon. being the projector that i am, i also assumed it was but still never thought it was “accurate” rep but then again, does it have to be? regardless of how it’s shown in the anime/manga, i think we’re all entitled to our own opinions on this, and that no matter what we think caused their mutism, all opinions r valid! i’m just so curious on what your take on this is since no one mentions anything like this in specific.

hello! funny you send me this ask today because i just rewatched the first ep of the reboot last night for the first time in a looooong time and have been thinking about fb all morning! as far as i understand it, selective mutism is an anxiety disorder that can definitely be triggered by trauma, and that is how i read yuki and kisa. i'm sure you have a deeper understanding of it than me as someone with that experience, but in my research on this (which admittedly was a few years ago) it seems there is a variety of reasons why children are selectively mute, one of them being abusive environments and a predisposition to anxiety disorders. i would absolutely argue that both yuki and kisa have intense social anxiety, even outside of their mutism; and that yuki, aside from diagnosing him with something, is a perfectionist, and perfectionism often stops people from doing things.

i was also really sad yuki's mutism was only touched upon, so i actually wrote a whole fic about it! i think this is an incredibly interesting aspect of yuki's character. yuki in childhood has no autonomy at all: his life is controlled by his mother, then akito, and akito does not listen to him (or anyone). the other zodiacs ignore him, and he becomes tokenized as the rat instead of viewed as an individual. very often, yuki shrinks into himself as a reaction to this. he already has to keep physical and emotional distance from his peers due to the curse, and his oppressive home environment pushes him to even more extremes. i think so much of yuki's mutism is a maladaptive acceptance that he will never be listened to and that what he feels or thinks does not matter, and so he sinks into a depression where one of his copes is silence. even after this episode, he continues to be softspoken and keeps his cards close to his chest—which is why i love his relationship with kakeru so much, because kakeru coaxes him out of his shell. after meeting kakeru, he begins expressing his opinion more candidly and becomes openly emotional in ways that are supported by kakeru's view of him as a human being. yuki spends so much of his life being objectified as either the rat or the prince (both similar roles where he is being held to an extremely high standard that is only an archetype and robs him of individuality and humanity) and he plays the roles that are assigned to him. it is only when he is shown true love and acceptance through tohru that he can begin to learn who he is outside of those perceived roles, and allows him to express himself as yuki in front of kakeru, who never bought into the prince thing to begin with.

i think the other thing about fruits basket is that it is very tropey, and selective mutism in the way it is portrayed in fb is very much a shojo trope moreso than it is a real portrayal of a disorder. i don't think natsuki takaya is "trauma informed" as we would call it now, as it was written 20 years ago inside of a culture that notoriously does not take mental health seriously. i think yuki and kisa's mutism is very much a narrative choice, so i definitely agree with you re: what you're saying about "accurate" rep. anyway thanks for the ask and your serendipitous timing! thinking about that rat boy <3

#takes a huge bong rip #yuki sohma #ask #anonymous #meta???#yuki

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huachengeye · 8 months

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Only Friends: Is accountability a reality for them?

So, here we are, episode 9. We are reaching for the finish line, but the road is still rough and long. Some will get there earlier, and some will need to be dragged there, but in the end, it's about the mistakes we make along the way lmao

Sorry, I had to start this as dramatically as this episode felt for me. Only Friends it's the gift that keeps on giving, and every damn time they GIVE. It's wild how every episode is as strong, sometimes stronger, than the previous one. The characters are great, they evolve little by little (baby steps) and those characters from the first episode are nowhere to be found, which, by the way, I love it.

But I still have a problem with this episode, a problem that I hope will be developed in the next ones, but that, as of now, is lowkey pissing me off. Fortunately enough, I'm not the only that is bothered by this. So let's break down my rumble into parts. First, let's start with the easy, comfortable part: SandNick's friendship.

If you never looked at your friend and thought "What if we kissed?" are you really friends?

This was groundbreaking for me. It's so realistic and so fun!! I was literally giggling and kicking my feet, which was a first in this series lmao. I love the kiss, the thought process before it, the laughing after it, the clear understanding that there weren't any romantic sparks from it, and the choice to go to cuddle after. Everything about this scene is really special and heartwarming for me. This is the friendship that I'm here for, my second-option boys.

I love how P'Jojo really pays attention to every detail of a queer relationship. I saw my own friendships in this moment of Sand and Nick, and I never saw my friendships as being queer. I come from a culture where hooking up is really normal, even if it is between (best) friends. I lost count of how many times I've gone to parties where my friends would just hook up, and sometimes that got messy, but most of it was just simple. Two people (sometimes, maybe, three) kissing and sharing a moment of happiness with each other. We have a saying in my country (maybe not a saying but anyways) "(hooking up) strengthens a friendship", and that might be from the fact that we, like the characters from OF, are a bit horny, but also because touching is a very big part of how we show affection and love.

I've never, at least as far as I knew, had a queer relationship with someone else. Not like the ones I'm seeing in this show. Heck, I only fully understood my own queerness a couple years ago, although liking people from different genders was always a part of myself, I just never really cared or gave much thought about it. But the friendships I had were all very hetero in my point of view, most of the time it was about girls hooking up with guys and only hooking up with other girls when there was drinking involved - never boys with boys. Funny enough, now that I'm not friends with those people anymore, I think what we had was queer in a way. The way our love-giving culture works is queer in some way.

(I promise I'm making a connection here, and I'll circle back to Sand and Nick in a second)

I've only started to study queerness and to feel my own queerness a couple years ago, as I said. I still don't have quite the knowledge to explain what queerness is, but for me, it's about everything that falls outside of the so-called normal. In today's society, normality is for there to be romantic touches only between people from different genders, and only with the intent of having a romantic relationship with that person. Friends being close to each other, in a way that romantic partners would be, is weird. And it's weirder when they are from the same gender, especially if they are two boys.

My experience with my girl friends was always simple, we liked to be close to each other, to give hands, to share small touches, to be connected in some sense. I feel that this is more accepted by society as a whole, maybe this is even mocked a bit because girls are a joke all around in this pathetic patriarchal society. But when it's two guys (or two perceived guys) being touchy touchy with each other, that's a no-no. And that's where my guy friends (and men in my country, as far as the ones I was around) differ. They are still very led by machismo, but it was always so common for me to see my friends joking around about wanting to date each other, sharing hugs, and sometimes kisses (no more than a peck, and honestly I gave them a curious side eye at those times), but even they had a very strong camaraderie that really was a mirror of my own relationships with my girl friends. The same goes for my friendships with my guy friends, we were queer in the sense that we engaged with each other, not with a romantic mindset (there were times when that got messy) but just as two friends that care for each other, and that strengthen their friendship through kisses sometimes.

That's Nick and Sand for me. Their decision to kiss was not just because they wanted love, wanted to give love, but it was a hopeful shot at maybe sparking romantic feelings between them. It was a hopeful shot at finding someone that they knew would love and care for them back, romantically. It didn't work, and it wasn't sad or awkward, it was fun and happy. It was two people sharing love with each other and building community, building trust, and honest love. And the cuddling afterward was the cherry on top, it brought it all together and tied in a pretty bow. The first time I heard about queerplatonic relationships was in 2020, I think, it was a groundbreaking discovery for me, as it gave me the answers about what connections I craved. For me, Sand and Nick is the first representation of a queerplatonic friendship I have seen since then, and it's making me emotional lol.

I'm not even going to mention them calling each other "team second option", that was pure gold. Have a friend who jokes about your love life (and theirs) with you. Get you a friend that you can be both delusional and realistic with.

(if you want another interpretation of the queerplatonic relationship between Sand and Nick I suggest @wen-kexing-apologist post. I took the photo of SandNick's kiss from this post btw, so thanks :)

Did I just ramble about my past friendships as if this is about my life and not about Only Friends? Yes, I did. Thank you Only Friends for making me dive into my own emotional mess, always a pleasure.

I'm still not ready to bring my rage and disappointment to the table, so let's talk a bit more about the parts I really enjoyed in this episode - aka, Top's development, Mew's mothers, Nick's goodbye to Boston, and Mew finally getting out of his little cave and going to touch some grass.

Let's start with Top. Where is that character from the first episode that was SURE he would get whatever he wanted? I was waiting for this moment, and it's finally here.

I was not surprised by Top's choices in this episode, actually, I was elated about his development. If he was the old Top he would've shown Mew the video of SandRay's kiss right after it happened. I knew he wouldn't, he was definitely thinking about it, but for once he thought about how his actions would affect Mew. And this episode showed us a bit more about Top's own problems.

I don't know if I talked here about the scene where Top was thinking back about his moments with Mew, and about how those moments were REALLY different from the ones we saw from Mew's POV. Top's point of view was really sad for me, at that moment, through Mew's eyes, we saw them having fun at the silent club, dancing together, but through Top's eyes, it was as if he was already grieving Mew's absence. It made me think about his choice to bring Mew to that particular place. At first, I thought it was a fucked up thing to bring his current boyfriend to a place he went with his previous boyfriends/hookups, but after the flashback, I got a different perspective of it.

Top actively chose a place where they would be together but at the same time alone. They were listening to music as if they were alone, there was a sense of disconnection between them at the moment. I mean, why would you take someone, that you want to be close with, to a place where you will be enjoying the moment in a separate way? Now, it feels as if Top was trying to be in Mew's life but not necessarily opening himself up for Mew. I mean, there were only two times we saw Top's raw self, when Mew revealed that he knew about him and Boston, and when Mew saw Top with his pills. The second time, Top told us a very personal thing about himself, he opened up about a big trauma of his and then brushed it off.

In this episode, we see him reaching for his pills again, head too full because he know holds in his hand something that could've ruin Mew's relationship with Ray, something that would've been his revenge against Ray for exposing him and Boston, when he is no better than them. He reaches for his pills, places a few in his hands, and puts them back because he doesn't want to do it. Top then calls for someone, probably Boeing, asking for the person to come see him because he can't sleep and doesn't want to use the pills anymore. We can view this in a few ways, it can be that he doesn't want to turn back to his old methods, or it can be that he doesn't want to run away from his traumas and problems anymore. I believe in both those things. Top is the first one of the hurricane trio (Top, Boston, Ray) to actually take action and start to change.

The end of the episode makes us think that Top didn't change, because who the hell invites his ex to his place whilst trying to get back with his other ex? But I really think Top did change, and that whatever Boeing went to do in his place wasn't sexual at all. My theory right now is that Boeing knows about Top's insomnia and trauma, he might be the only one that knows other than Mew. And I think they are just friends (maybe Boeing wants to get back with him, maybe not, but I think Top doesn't want that), because if they had broken things off in a bad way, why would Top keep the little plane Boeing gave him? If Top was like Boston made him out to be, a player that doesn't do long-term relationships, wouldn't he have disposed of the things his ex gave him? If my theory is right, this will be the first time we see Top with someone he considers a friend, and I believe we will be seeing a whole other side of him because of it.

Top chose to keep the video to himself, he chose to not be the one at the top, to not have the last word in this situation. For me, that shows that he really cares for Mew, and cares enough not to make Mew go through the shame of having proof that his boyfriend is cheating on him. Yet, he still gave Mew pieces of advice and asked Mew to think if Ray really only loves him. He planted doubt in Mew's mind, but it was for Mew to keep his eyes open, that way he wouldn't have to actually show Mew proof and make Mew see with his own eyes.

I saw some people bringing up the possibility that he is doing the "long game" (yes, this is a Girl Meets World reference) and that's why he chose not to show Mew, but honestly what in all of his actions shows that he wants to do the long game? He doesn't let Mew go a day without him showing up like a ghost (which btw is really bothering me, like, now your place, give him space), even when it was Mew's day with his mothers, the one day it was clear he wanted just for him and his mothers. This is the one big thing right now that I want to be acknowledged by the series, the amount of boundaries that are crossed, not only with Top, makes me SO mad.

But I have to admit, Top is growing on me right now, but it all depends on how he will deal with the whole "Mew-Boeing" situation and if he will actually respect Mew's boundaries from now on.

Goodbye, Ton.

First off, before this, I need y'all to read this post by @lurkingshan, she makes a great analysis of this Nick and Boston moment.

But this was such a powerful scene for this couple, the most powerful in my opinion. We finally see a side of Nick that we had never seen. From the get-go, Nick was just after Boston. From the moment Boston went to get his phone fixed, Nick was interested in Boston, almost in a stalker way (I'm sorry but I'll never get over the fact Nick went through Boston's phone to masturbate to one of his photos, that won't ever sit with me). Until this moment, Nick was nothing more than in love with Boston for me. I didn't feel like he had a strong personality outside of his relationship with Boston, but woah, this episode really showed me otherwise. I'm now on the same side of the people who think Nick is a cutie who deserves happiness.

In this episode, Nick truly acknowledges that Boston is not the amazing person he keeps on trying to convince himself he is. He does it on his trip with Sand when he asks himself why he falls for "bad guys". At the same moment, he makes peace with the fact that he was Boston's second option, a huge change from his last conversation with Sand when he says that maybe one day Boston would love him. I was so happy with this development, and not even when Nick, in his goodbye to Boston, said to Boston that Boston should stay the way he is because he is loved for who he is (let's not lie now, dear Nick), made me less happy. And our boy is moving on!!! And with a Daddy too, look at you go Nick omg.

Another thing I want to point out about Nick in this episode is how aware he is of people being interested in him. Throughout the series, I only saw Nick as being insecure about himself, and he really was, we even saw him trying to act more like Top, going to the gym and dressing up (a behavior that he shares with Mew). And throughout the whole series, I saw a bunch of people treating him as if he is completely incapable of taking care of himself as if he was the lamb being manipulated by the big bad wolf Boston. When he said that he knows Boston is not the best guy around (not exactly with this wording lmao), it made it very clear that his not innocent (I mean, he masturbated to a photo of a guy he didn't know, a client, did y'all really think he was innocent????). But this episode made it extra clear, he immediately clocked Dan's intentions, and he wasn't taken back or shy about it, he was flirting back (the same way he did flirted back with Boston at the beginning). These people are in college, they are not innocent in any way anymore, innocence is not in sight in this BL, at least not when it comes to relationships.

So, go Nick!! Hook up with your Daddy (you kink bunch), and have lots of kisses with him before hurricane Boston comes back to your life because he will and I'll be sat for it.

THE MOTHERS HAVE ARRIVED!!!

I was so excited for these two to be introduced, and this was the perfect timing. The way they immediately saw that something was off with Mew like they barely walked in and alarms were sounding in their heads. Finally, a parent figure that is parenting, missed those.

I think this was a really important moment for Mew to have right now. After this encounter with him and his mothers, Mew started to get back to himself. I remember that Mew's mothers were his inspiration, they are his ideal view on relationships, so I'm sure their presence made him remember that what he is doing right now is not what he wants for himself. Also, I think he just needed to have a good influence close to him.

The mothers didn't realize the uncomfortable vibe between Mew and Top, but I forgive them for it because they don't really know. I need more of them. I need more of the older lesbian couple, I need more of older queer couples to advise these youngsters (if I told y'all that I'm probably younger than them, would y'all believe it?)

BRING THIS MAN HIS GLASSES, HE IS BACK!

No one in this episode was as honest as Mew. I loved Nick's emotional speech. I loved Sand being open about his feelings about Ray. But Mew takes the cake for me, and it's not because he is my favorite.

Mew literally went after everyone he wronged here. He is apologizing, and taking responsibility for his actions, and he is the one who is reaching out. The first one he went to make peace with was Ray, loved that. I love that he said out loud that the reason he was with Ray was to hurt Top. Mew didn't try to bullshit, he was honest and clear with Ray. And I love that they said "I love you" to each other, for the first time (for Ray) in a non-romantic sense, just pure friendship love. I also love that they joked around afterward. I didn't love the way Ray didn't take accountability for his behavior, but I will talk about it later.

Then Mew went to Cheum, which, by the way, he was the only one to go and talk to Cheum after that mess of a party. He opens the conversation by saying that he went to apologize, then he looks at the faces of everyone who was saying he was being manipulated and said

I wasn't possessed by a ghost. I was just lost. I want you to understand that what happened to me affected my self-confidence so much. I just thought if I became someone else, I'd be stronger.

Yes, he behaved like a lot of people behave when they have their first heartbreak. Thank you P'Jojo for always getting it right.

This also confirms the theories around Mew trying to be someone else, mimicking someone else (in this case I really think he was a mix of Ray, Top, and Boston) because he was lost and hurt. I really hope he starts to work on his self-love and own his confidence. My baby deserves happiness :(

Are you happy? Well, that's over! Brace yourself because I'm coming back to write about him, my nemesis as of right now: Ray. I'll probably make a post only for him, so when that's done I'll link it here :)

#ofts #only friends spoilers #only friends #only friends the series #ofts meta #ofts analysis #only friends analysis #amidst the mess #there is hope #look at these babies they are getting there

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pequenaotaku · 22 days

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Hot Chocolate

"Sentiments are complicated. Sometimes, I feel like I'm like hot chocolate in a steaming cup. The sweet and the bittersweet mix together with the help of a spoon, becoming a delicious and addictive flavor right after the first sip.

I wish that spoon would spend more time mixing me. I wish it never left the cup."

Versão em português

Headcanon scene from episode 01 after the cut

"So, this is the famous Devenementiel?" I asked aloud, to no one but myself.

The company wasn’t housed in a huge building, one you’d notice from across the city, nor did it make much of a presence in the commercial area, but it was undoubtedly a modern construction. Clear, clean, with many windows surrounding practically the entire building. Small, discreet, yet with a refined appearance. It looked like an interesting place, and I hadn't even seen the inside yet.

I approached the glass door, peeking inside, although I couldn’t see much beyond a very classic and comfortable reception area. It seemed the office was on the first floor. There was no one there; I had arrived too early. I clicked my tongue, crossing my arms. I could have lingered in bed longer, as any good freelancer does when there are no projects to deliver. My shift at the vintage records and knick-knacks store didn't start until the afternoon, after lunchtime. There was no need to go in earlier, and I didn’t have any other plans for that morning, so I’d have to kill time there at the entrance while waiting for one of the employees to arrive.

A few minutes passed with me distractedly looking at the week's recommended playlist on Spotify. If I wasn’t working on a project and wasn’t in a place where I could indulge in being an idle freelancer lounging in pajamas at home all day, seeing what other musicians were up to online was a good pastime. It would never stop being delightful to hear the ideas other artists produced and released with so much passion, to experience a new type of rhythm, seek inspiration and references, be immersed in someone’s vocal or instrumental sound. I took my eyes off my phone screen for a second to look at the company building once more. I felt a tingling sensation all over my body, thinking about the work I could do to contribute to the partnership I was about to finalize. It hadn’t even been a week since I exchanged messages with my only acquaintance there about this, following his strong recommendation.

"You’re early, Collete," the deep, monotonous voice of Thomas resonated behind me. I couldn’t help but smile before turning around.

"Speak of the devil," I joked, watching with amusement as his expression shifted from a slight look of boredom to a curious one. He almost always got lost in his own head during our conversations. I had come to understand that it wasn’t because he found me boring, but rather because he wanted to decipher my words. I seriously wondered what he was thinking at that moment.

"Wouldn't it be 'talking about the devil'?" he raised an eyebrow. It seemed I wouldn’t find out the reason for his silence this time. I just shrugged. "I was put in charge of handling the administrative details for your arrival, including the hiring of another person, which means making two badges along with the identification key so neither of you would have to wait at the door to get in. And since, apparently, we need to be up at the crack of dawn to make them… Here I am, arriving after you," he seemed irritated about having to wake up so early after a long night of work while giving me that explanation that sounded more like a rant escaping his thoughtful mind. I didn’t blame him. It really did seem like a pain.

"I’m glad I’m not the only one who had to drag myself out of bed today."

"More than me, it seems," I saw a hint of a smile light up his face. I winked at him. "Anyway, it won't take long. I’ve already moved things along, so you don’t need to worry. Come on." Without giving me time to add anything, Thomas opened the door, beckoning me to follow him.

So, we took an elevator, and I finally had the pleasure of discovering the open space of the place, which couldn’t be compared to the modern facade. Suddenly, I even started to think that it seemed too cold to accommodate such a warm environment. Inside, it was a complete lively festival of colors, plants, and curious objects. There were no partitions, and amusingly, among the empty desks, I noticed that each table was not only uniquely decorated but also had very different chairs. None were the same. It might have been a small detail, but it showcased the personality of each employee working there. Thomas guided me to the most neutral, organized, and sober desk. It was undoubtedly his.

"You can sit, it won’t take long," he said mechanically as he pulled the chair from the desk next to his for me. It was strangely shaped like a dolphin. It was cute but seemed so uncomfortable and impractical. I began to doubt the sanity of its owner.

"With all due respect, I prefer to stand up, in this case.", I flashed a sly, sarcastic smile, earning another hint of a smile.

"I also don't understand why people here choose anything other than the classic office chair," he commented as he sat in his own chair, turning on the computer. "It's designed for comfort and good lumbar support. In ten years, everyone will be walking with a cane, except for me," I couldn't help but chuckle. I never ceased to find it amusing how, sometimes, he would say such things without a hint of malice. It was just logical and straightforward. "Your desk is this one in front of mine. You’re practically an honorary employee, but the boss thought it would be better if you had one to feel like you belong. You can choose a chair model for yourself later. There's someone who always supplies furniture for us, and his store has everything."

"Far be it from me to give you more work…" I began, with a falsely gentle, sweet voice. "But since you know him, I'll let you handle the negotiations. That said, any model similar to yours is fine by me," he sighed heavily.

"Very well, then I'll take care of it later."

"Don't be like that," I gave him a friendly tap on the shoulder. "Being the IT guy, manager of technology-related events, pressing buttons on a keyboard all day… I didn't give you a more torturous task than those things," I joked. He looked at me quietly for a while.

"You forgot to mention that I also greet new recruits," he simply retorted. I couldn't help but laugh again.

"Ouch," I put my hand on my chest, pretending to have been struck. This time, I really got a smile. Then, he opened a drawer and took out a folder, sighing loudly. "I agree with you, paperwork sucks."

"It's unbelievable how much time we waste on these things. Everyone should have a chip card with all our information registered. We'd scan the card and be done. All the information would be transmitted directly."

"That would be more practical, true," I agreed, shrugging. I had never stopped to think about it. He picked up a pen from a holder on his desk, looking at it with pity.

"Meanwhile, we'll stick with these… archaic methods," I blew air through my nose at his comment, shaking my head. He was incorrigible.

Taking the pen to sign the contract after a quick glance, as I had read it previously via message, I began to remember how we met. Pure coincidence. We both needed to buy a new refracting telescope, better known as a spyglass, as the old one was broken. It was the last one in the store and was on sale. I had my reasons for wanting it, and he had his. We argued for a long time under the weary gaze of the salesman, debating who, in my view, was more deserving to take it. Thomas was steadfast, he had arrived first. As for me, I needed to get it no matter what for personal reasons: to fulfill a tradition of promises made to my late older brother, to observe the showers of celestial bodies that occurred every year while drinking a bottle of hot chocolate in our special spot. It might have been nonsense; he was dead, after all. It's not like he was going to rise from the grave to demand that small promise I decided to make to no one and for no reason at all. But it made me feel closer to him; I didn't want to give up. In the end, somehow, we ended up splitting the cost, the telescope, and, on the night of the meteor shower, two bottles of hot chocolate accompanied by small childhood stories.

Nostalgia. Suddenly, I felt a strong desire to have a cup of that sugary, bittersweet delight.

After making the final curve of my name on the paper, Thomas took a laminated card from the drawer and handed it to me. It was my company badge that served to open the building's door. I stifled a laugh when I noticed that he had ignored the professional photo I sent and opted for my profile picture. Simply me making a face: a wide smile with my tongue out. One of my eyes was closed, and my hands were open beside my face, with my thumbs pressing against my cheeks. I liked it.

"Tom," I called his attention, pointing to the photo. A smile playing on my lips. "Is this really okay?" He just shrugged.

"That sounds more like you. The boss doesn't care so much about traditional professional standards; you'll quickly realize that if you haven't already," he replied simply, making a small gesture with his head to show the company's open space. It really didn't seem very conventional. "He's not the kind of person who evaluates people based on that kind of criterion."

"How funny… I'm starting to feel like I'm going to really enjoy working here."

"I'm glad you think so, because I spent a long time preparing and editing everything for your arrival. On the other hand, I don't understand what's so funny about it…" he commented somewhat reflectively. "It's just a picture of you; we can recognize you, and you look pretty. Traditional or not, it's still office work, not the most exciting thing in the world," I got stuck on his comment.

"Do you think I'm pretty in this photo?" I inquired with one raised eyebrow, exaggeratedly curious about his answer to that question. I had known him for almost a year now; I understood quite well how his little mind worked, modesty aside. But sometimes, I still struggled to differentiate when he was just being logical from when he was being sincere. If there was any difference between the two adjectives.

"It's a statement," he shrugged once again. "Your features are symmetric, your eyes are large, and your teeth are well aligned. These are parameters usually associated with beauty."

This time, I didn't stifle my laughter. Thomas Rheault was, without a doubt, an enigma. One that fascinated me a lot. If that was indeed a compliment, it was surely the least heartfelt one I had ever heard in my life. At the same time, it seemed so typical of him that I couldn't help but take it seriously. Maybe it wasn't that, maybe I was overthinking. It was always like this when it came to him.

"In any case, out of curiosity, what kind of person exactly is this boss?" I inquired, bringing the subject back. It was true that I hadn't had much contact with him. I was recommended by Thomas to work there in organizing one event or another; I liked my professional independence, but all the details involving the boring bureaucracies were solved through messages. My interaction with Devon Okere, the Big Boss, was limited to a brief phone conversation that barely lasted 10 minutes. He seemed like a mystery, or simply too unconcerned. However, being there, I noticed that, in addition to a free and unpretentious environment, there was also a lot of care. As a freelancer, I knew very well how complicated it could be to maintain a small business, let alone a physical office. So, I was quite curious about everything.

"I would say he's the instinctive type. As long as it works for him, he doesn't exactly have a reason to change methods," Thomas nodded, then glanced at the clock, then at the signed contract, and finally at me. "Well, it's done. The others won't take long to arrive. If you want to stay to meet them or take a walk around… Anyway, you have free rein here from now on."

"Uhm…" I pondered for a moment, licking my lips. I really didn't have anything better to do; what harm would it do to explore a little? Besides, a place like that really made you want to linger. "I think I'll take a stroll, yes. But mostly, I'd like to know if there's a kitchen here. I really need to quench my thirst."

Unexpectedly, he chuckled and stood up from his chair, standing right in front of me, forcing me to raise my head. Thomas was only a little taller than me, but throughout the conversation, I had seen him from above because I was standing and he was sitting. Now, however, and so suddenly, I felt a bit small and destabilized. I didn't know what to expect. I didn't even know why I felt that way, as if something should happen. It sounded so cliché.

"Of course, make yourself at home. Actually, I was thinking the same thing," he resumed, snapping me out of my little trance. "If you'd like, I can treat you to a welcome drink," he offered politely.

"Oh, I'd love that, definitely!" I exclaimed, back on track. Better than quenching my thirst was having that desire sponsored by someone.

"The drinks machine is in the pantry; come on," he called as he started to move away, a shadow of a smile floating on his lips. I hurried to follow him. "We can get there by passing through the lounge area."

Just like the open space, that area was enchanting. Large, well-lit, and with vibrant colors catching the eye. Several bean bags, on which I would love to sprawl out, were scattered around along with suspended chairs hanging from the ceiling by chains. Not to mention the beautiful view provided by the large windows from top to bottom. They were just buildings, yes, but I began to imagine a nighttime scene with one or two colored lights still on outside. I couldn't wait to rest there.

"Man, this place looks like a dream!" I exclaimed in wonder.

"Yeah, that's what most people say. But I'll show you something else really cool…" he said simply, piquing my curiosity.

I followed him once again towards the adjacent area, the pantry. At first glance, it looked like some of the hipster cafes I loved to visit. Another very open place, with lots of plants, even on the ceiling, alternating with lamps. In the center, a large round table with a tree in the middle and red swivel chairs around it. Near the windows, small tables with benches followed the same pattern. It was indeed a very beautiful place, but I didn't understand why Thomas found it more impressive until I met the famous drinks machine.

"What would you like?" he asked straight away.

"Let me see what's available first…" I retorted as I quickly glanced at the options the machine offered.

"Don't expect to see anything exotic or innovative."

"No, I know. I'm just saying that to see what I feel like," I shrugged, and then I saw exactly what I needed to see. I loved it when life became so convenient as to combine utility with pleasure. "A hot chocolate, please," the redhead smiled slightly. Maybe he expected that answer from me.

"Good choice…" he took out his phone from his pocket and typed something, then, as if following a command, the machine started working. Thomas looked at me with a proud gleam in his eyes, and immediately I sensed that it was his doing. Finally, he took the full cup and put the lid on to hand it to me. "There you go, a delicious hot chocolate on the house!"

"Thanks!" I gave him a knowing wink, reaching out to get my little indulgence.

When I took the cup, my fingers ended up over his. Our gazes met before he immediately turned away, freezing for a moment, his eyes fixed on the ground or anywhere but my face. I kept my gaze steady; I wanted so much to unravel him, to know what he was thinking at that moment. Focus. I might not be able to read minds, but I was good at picking up on subtle cues.

The seconds seemed to stretch on, his gaze moved to the cup we both held. His cheeks turned slightly pink, he furrowed his brows. Adorable. I could confidently say that the little crease that appeared on his forehead wasn't from disagreement. Maybe he was just confused, wrestling with himself in thought. His beautiful turquoise irises flickered from our hands to elsewhere in rapid movements.

Oh, I really didn't want to misunderstand things, or worse, jump to conclusions. But looking at him like that, I couldn't help but daydream a little as I observed the red curls falling across his face, adorned with a few charming freckles over his nose, his eyes subtly shifting between intense blues and greens.

Cliché. Cliché. Cliché.

Suddenly, he released the cup into my hands and cleared his throat, composing himself as if waking from a trance, pulling me out of mine as well. Everything suddenly felt awkward, as if we had been trapped in that moment for longer than necessary. I also had to clear my throat.

"Is everything alright, Thomas?" I needed to know, I was eager. He glanced at me once again. Unbelievable how mesmerizing his eyes were. I gave myself a mental shake, seeking concentration. I really needed to control myself better.

"I'm fine, yeah… Everything's okay," he murmured in a thoughtful tone. "It's just that… I wasn't expecting there to be… contact," he really must have been confused even with himself this time.

"Oh! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to…" I gave a nervous smile, choosing my words carefully. I did mean to. But he didn't need to know that yet.

"It's okay," he interrupted me in a natural way. I smiled more relaxed, and he returned the gesture, also making another request to the machine, a drink that I couldn't see, but he took a sip of as soon as he got it.

"Tom… Thanks a lot," I thanked him, squeezing the warm cup of my drink in my hands, also seeking to change the subject as quickly as possible. "But tell me, do you have an app to control this machine? How does it work?"

"I developed it so I wouldn't have to pay for drinks anymore. The app tricks the machine into thinking I've paid, and it serves me what I ask for," he explained automatically and simply, shrugging as if it were no big deal. I raised an eyebrow. Sometimes, I forgot how crafty he could be.

"And nobody sees a problem with that, clever boy?" I grinned mischievously.

"No," he nodded, shrugging. "Actually, after I developed the app, Devon explained to me that everything was already free. There's the coin slot, but it's… a vestigial structure. I never thought about trying to order without paying. I have plenty of coins in there, by the way. I need to remember to download a lockpicking course. Unless you're an expert at it…"

"I can manage, yes… If you give me half as payment," I negotiated, feeling clever. He judged me with his gaze, and I just shrugged, sticking out my tongue. I'm a freelancer, you don't get if you don't ask. "How would you prefer the job to be done? There's the boring conventional way, using tools, and…" I paused for effect. "The messy way, where I blow up the door. If no one minds, that is."

"It's not the most elegant solution…" he made a minimal, yet very funny, expression of disgust. I had to laugh. "I'd be bothered by the idea of damaging it, so let's stick with the conventional solution this time."

"Agreed, then."

"Well…" he quickly scanned the area after the topic was over. "I need to go start working, or this chocolate break tends to become longer than expected. We'll talk later, enjoy your tour."

Without waiting for a response, he returned to the open space. It took me a few seconds to decide to follow, but not exactly to his desk or mine. Taking a walk around the place might help distract my mind. I was in trouble. And I had known it for a while. I knew very well what those desires for his attention meant. Everyone's tired of seeing this story in movies, series, cartoons, games, and books. It was scary. He, however, would surely classify it as illogical, I was sure.

I sighed heavily, taking another sip of my hot chocolate, hoping that the sweet and bitter flavors would help cleanse my soul, covering up that complicated feeling for a while longer. The brief time until my golden eyes met his turquoise ones and all that cliché resurfaced again.

#Sorry if there are any grammatical errors... I'm not fluent #english version #scene headcanon #headcanon #my oc #my candy love #amor doce #amour sucre #corazon de melón #mcl new gen #mcl ng #my candy love new gen #New Gen episode 01 #Colette Lebarde #Thomas Rheault

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