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rika-kihira · 3 years

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Rika Kihira - Canon interview

original interview here.

Rika Kihira interviewed by Mika Noguchi

“I will spend this off-season being strict to myself so I can believe in myself at the Olympics.”

Rika Kihira, successfully landed the quad Salchow jump at the Japan Nationals. She finished in 7th place at the World Championship, but she had finished 2nd after her good performance for the SP.

She has turned this bitter experience into motivation for further improvement. And she has already started to move forward.

Q: You have entered Waseda University and enrolled in the department of Human Science this April. Is there any research field that you are interested in, or (do you have) a goal as a college student?

I have a strong desire to do any research that is related to my skating after all. That is the reason why I chose this specific field so I can use my research for my skating. Unfortunately, I couldn't attend the entrance ceremony because it was right after I had returned from the World Championship, and the classes have already started from April.

I enjoy studying about the relation of children’s health and environment to their athletic ability. Unlike adults, there are still some areas for children where their thinking does not function. So this is the area we analyze what kind of behaviours they would do and how do they improve their athletic ability.

Q: In terms of the environment for children’s physical activity, would you think it’s possible to apply your own life experience that you have been trying various sports from childhood?

I haven’t thought about making use of my childhood experience yet, but I feel that I am experimenting with my own body and that leads to my daily research. When I check my body condition such as fatigue, various movements and success rate of jumps and compare them to previous data, I often have my aha! moment by that. So I would like to do research that can be used for skating in future.

Q: The fact that you are experimenting with your own body is something that only top athletes can do. What kind of research do you want to apply to skating specifically?

After all, I want to think about my jumps theoretically. I'd like to do something like graphing and analyzing things that can be quantified, such as the changes of heart rate while skating the program, the difference between when I’m tired or energized, and how does the quality of sleep affect my performance—things like that.

If properly converted into data and accumulated, you can objectively see what you have experienced in the competition and then you can understand the reason and meaning of success and mistakes.

I haven't fully understood the university system yet, so I would like to look for an opportunity to find out how to conduct a study with my own body effectively.

Q: It has been an unusual season that you were training in Switzerland as your main training base in the middle of the pandemic.

There were times when I struggled to keep my motivation high. Because all the competitions I had planned to attend got cancelled until last December, I didn’t have any chance to show what I had been training for and I also didn’t get to do intense training.

There was also a time when I couldn't enjoy training because there had been no chance to feel a sense of accomplishment. But the training environment in Switzerland was very good in that I could naturally have a feeling of gratitude. I could somehow manage to let the difficult time go by with that feeling (of gratitude).

Q: It seems that your life in Switzerland gives you a very positive effect, doesn’t it Kihira-san?

I usually felt stressed before the competitions, thinking about the competitions all the time or connecting every single thing happening to negative feelings and thinking, “Oh...I don’t think I can make it at the competition either.” But now I feel that the current environment in Switzerland made me think more positively.

During the off season especially, the training was very difficult, so I didn't have to worry if I wasn't doing my best. Each day I started feeling a sense of accomplishment when I felt my whole body was exhausted (after the training). Although we had a very intense training menu, it wasn’t so difficult to push myself together with my friendly team mates while being surrounded by nature in Switzerland.

Q: You landed the quad Salchow jump for the first time at the Japan Nationals last December. With this success, was there any change to your mind about going into the World Championship?

It was difficult for me to gain confidence about myself so easily just because I had landed a quad jump for once. So I wasn't really able to feel excited for the World Championship. But when I arrived in Stockholm and entered the venue, I felt like "I've done what I could do and I want to show what I've been training in front of everyone naturally”.

Q: At Worlds, you landed triple Axel jump and had a good start with 2nd after SP.

I was determined to perform with gratitude for many people who supported me until now. I received all the support from my coaches, my fans, and my family. I had no choice but to show my gratitude there when I went to jump (the triple Axel). And I also wanted to confirm my love for figure skating by landing the jump successfully at the competition.

Q: Only a few female skaters have been able to do both triple Axel and other quad jumps. Do you find it (being able to jump 3A and quads) significantly difficult?

Actually, the triple Axel is more difficult to stabilize since it is a kind of jump that really depends on the ice condition. So the timing for the jump take-off may easily change because of the position of the blades or the softness of the ice.

And the quad Salchow on the other hand, I do feel it is relatively stable even at the different rinks. So I think that the triple Axel is a slightly unique jump.

Q: Is there any difficulty in balancing the two types of these difficult jumps?

I don't think the triple Axel is becoming [more] difficult after I've landed the quad Salchow. But as I practiced it more, I found that jumping triple Axel followed by quadruple Salchow in one program is difficult compared to just doing each jump alone.

I think the fact that there are only a few female skaters who can do both types of jumps is because they tend to get mixed up on how to use their body for each jump.

For me, if I continue my training everyday so that I can do run-through without any mistakes, there will be less difficulties to do these jumps.

Q: There were expectations for you to challenge the quad Salchow and the triple Axel for FP at the World Championship.

I was practicing the quad Salchow during the official practice in the morning practice on the day of the free program. But soon after the official practice, they switched the rink for FP from the sub rink to the main rink. (t/n: it seemed that official practice was held at the sub rink that was supposed to be used for FP.) Accordingly, I only had 6 minutes practice for the last chance to adjust myself to the ice. I thought I couldn’t make it in time so I decided to go with two triple Axels instead of a quad Salchow (and a triple Axel).”

It was difficult for me to adjust to the ice in just 6 minutes, but I think there will be such a situation at the Olympics. In order to jump the quad Salchow and the triple Axel at the competition, I really felt the importance of the training to adjust myself immediately in just 6 minutes.

Q: What kind of training do you want to do in order to adjust yourself and be able to jump both the quad and the triple Axel in just 6 minutes?

I was always checking my jumps starting from triples (and then quads) in order during 6 minutes practice, but at the World Championship, 6 minutes ended when I just finished checking my triple Axels twice.

As I’m including the quad jump into my program regularly, I feel that I need my triple jumps to be ready for the performance without having to check on them during the 6 minutes practice. I would like to do more training to increase the stability of triple jumps on a daily basis.

Q: You mentioned that you did well with your mental control at the World Championship.

Yes. I think I was able to relax rather than feel nervous. From my experience, I started to understand that I’m unable to perform well when I'm nervous, so I feel that I've figured out how to concentrate and relax clearly.

Q: Is it quite different from the way you concentrated before?

For example, if I’m getting nervous and wondering if I can really jump during the waiting time, I would move my whole face and say “A, I, U, E, O” to loosen my face muscles, and then I also laugh at myself. This is something that I do to turn my anxiety into excitement, and my nervousness into laughter.

Also, in order to avoid being nervous right before my performance, I usually skate with this image of all judges sitting in their position, and think “how would it be if this is the real competition?” during the official performance.

Q: After the World Championship, many of your comments were very positive, weren’t they?

I definitely think it’s better not to get depressed and think like, "I’m not good at everything.” And I’m very positive about the fact that I'd been training really hard to increase the stability of quad jumps for the competitions.

I remember that my body movement was better during the morning practice on FP day and my performance was better than SP.

And two days after the competition, my condition was getting better again and I could pull myself together. Of course I have the regret that I couldn't get a good result, but now I want to think about what was wrong and what was good, and move forward positively while reflecting on it.

Q: Please tell us about your programs in future. Your SP’s one-handed cartwheel was getting so much attention this season. Do you have any plans for the next season already?

Right now, I’m planning to keep my SP "The Fire Within", but I will change my FP "Baby, God Bless You" to something else. I really love my FP’s music this season, the birth of life was its theme. It was a beautiful program and also had good flow to it, so I tried to express the beauty of the music by a sense of speed of skating.

For the Olympics, I am planning to create a program with good speed and also some parts where I can go slow and take a good rest.

I really want to work hard on expressing the emotion through (my) facial expression so the audience will understand the program effortlessly, like a story being told, connected from beginning to end.

Also, it is important not to make any mistakes even if I put in difficult jumps, so I want to make sure to have a part where I can calmly adjust myself before going into the second half of the program. So I want my new program to have some sort of accent (for the rhythm of music and choreography).

Q: What kind of training do you want to do during this off-season?

First of all, intense body training. I’m planning to go over my competitive programs (SP&FS) when I will practice the show programs during the upcoming ice shows from spring till summer.

In order not to waste my time until the Beijing Olympics, I want to think about the Olympics every day and make sure to do intense training when my physical condition is good.

By spending the (off-season) time being strict to myself in this way, I can believe in myself by thinking, "I've been doing my best for the Olympics" at the moment of my performance at the Olympics. So I want to spend this off-season being strict for myself.

Q: For the Olympics, many people (media) will focus on how you would fight against the Russian skaters.

At the World Championship, I felt that the Russian skaters were able to perform their best at the very right timing (competition). But right now, I think there’s no need to compare myself with somebody else, the result from this competition came from the fact that I couldn’t perform what I could usually do.

It’s not that I have some parts that need to be improved compared to other people, but I could find a lot of my own challenges. I want to overcome them before going into the Olympics.

You may make a big mistake if you keep trying at random, just because you are way behind the Russian players.

If someone will do quintuple jumps, I wonder if I would go for quint jumps, that's not the case. I believe that it will eventually show in the scores if I keep doing what I can do right now.

I did feel that the Russian ladies skaters are strong, but I just want to calmly analyze my situation and keep doing my best every day.

In April 2021, remotely during the quarantine period after returning to Japan

thank you to Fukuhana for translating and to Sunny for proofreading and editing the interview.

#rika kihira #interview #translation #season: 2020 2021

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sophielovesbooks · 3 years

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Goal-setting time!

Since it’s the beginning of a new academic year, I felt like setting some goals! Some are more professional, some more personal. Since I like setting goals for a shorter time span, so that it feels doable and not too overwhelming, I am setting these goals until the end of the year, so for October, November and December 2021:

First and foremost: Finish my thesis!!! This is the big one. It feels like a huge task right now, but I want to get it done before the end of this year.

Related to finishing my thesis: Get my master’s degree! The exciting part is that all I have to do to actually finish my degree is finish my thesis. I have collected all other credits. (And so far, my grades have been really good, so I reeeally don’t want my thesis grade to mess up my average!)

On to more something more personal: Watch one Masterclass lesson every single day! I found out about Masterclass during December 2020 and was so excited! I was especially curious to see Jane Goodall’s Masterclass. And I wanted to watch several classes from famous writers, too. Unfortunately, my excitement has died down a little bit since then. Don’t get me wrong, over the course of the past months I have watched 120 lessons! But since Masterclass is so expensive, I want to get the most out of it until my account expires on December 20. That’s why the goal is to watch at least one lesson per day. And I think I will modify this goal slightly to “one lesson a day on average”! Because realistically, I won’t manage it every single day, so I will allow myself to make up for that by watching two lessons the next day.

Finish at least one more class on Masterclass! I signed up to Masterclass to watch Jane Goodall’s class and I feel so bad that I still haven’t finished that one. So I feel like I should at least finish hers. And possibly, if I can manage it, one or two more classes (maybe the one by Simone Biles?)

Exercise enough to feel comfortable! It’s important to me to define it that way, because I know that forcing myself to exercise at too high level will bring my motivation way down. Some time this spring, I did a challenge where I exercised for an hour almost every single day (two break days) for two weeks. And that was definitely too much for me and I always had to force myself to do it and basically, exercise was not fun anymore! But sometimes, I also get lazy and only exercise once within two weeks, for example. I know that there is a level that I’m comfortable with somewhere in the middle, that I feel best when I exercise several times a week and/or do a little something almost every day. But the important thing is that I intuitively know this level, so that’s why I’m setting this goal to exercise enough to feel COMFORTABLE. It’s not about forcing myself into something that feels bad. It’s about doing it for myself, simply to increase my own wellbeing.

I have one more health-related goal, but that one feels too personal to share, sorry. I just want to write it down anyway, so I can use this list to hold myself accountable.

Finally: Get started with the wedding planning! Omg, this one I’m so excited for! 😍🥰🥰

Do you have any goals for the next few months? I’d love to hear about them, so how about you send me an ask with

💙 a blue heart for any academia-related goals ❤️ a red heart for any goals related to your hobbies (e.g., writing!) 💚 a green heart for any health-related goals 💜 a purple heart for anything I haven’t covered ;) And for any of these, feel free to tell me what your goals are! Or you can just send the emoji, up to you! And just know that it doesn’t matter if we never talk on here, I’d still love to hear about your goals! 😊

#goal-setting #personal goals #academic goals #personal #sophie's life

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ameliyaahn3 · 3 years

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13 days series : Day One, 20th December.

Genre : Fluff, Comfort, (lame ass one) Humor.

Warning : Things get heated up at end but nothing shocking.

Word count : Around 1k800.

Summary : Akashi bringing his empress to his chalet for christmas holidays but it's also his birthday. What will Y/n prepare for him ?

Akashi Seijuro × Reader.

Even then, you weren't used of that life of luxury and comfort with Seijuro : whatever you would salivate for, he was capable to give it to you twice or in a matter of a minute -if that's not even too much-: what was for sure something you can't even dream of in your wildest fantasty. And as the wealthy man he is, once again Seijuro impressed you by bringing you on vaccation at his family chalet.

Snow was surronding the beautiful and big place when you stepped outside the car, a warm and refined hand holding your fingers at the same time. You turn your head to see your boyfriend smiling what does make you instantly excited as his eyes are slightly shining at your view. Your blood going trough your veins so fast, you can't help but wait to drag Seijuro into the house and listening to whatever he has to say about it.

You know his chalet to be somewhere he would at least visit once a year and as a place full of funny and innocent chilhood memories that conted by him would just sound so interesting. As the cold started to hit a little bit too harshly on your faces, Seijuro finally decided to guide you to the traditional house, maids and butlers behind with your baggages.

" Pleased, my love ?" You nodded positively, a grin forming on your lips, " How I could not ?" the majestous tree were absorbing your soul.

"I know that you're not always comfortable with my wealth and all thoses prestigious places but I hope this time you won't feel any discomfort being here." The way he talks so smoothely drives you naturally to look at his charming face, what do distract your attention from the unique landscape. However do you regret it ? Not even one second.

" I can't be bothered by a place that is like home for you." You said, your stomach feeling like there butterflies in it despite it does make 9 months you're together. Sensations conservating pretty good like an old bottle of wine, it's really something to be in couple with this man.

" I wish you would think of my gifts as the furnitures then." You chukle a little bit at his come-back, not bad actually but how could you not feel weird when he's offering you expensive jewerly and dates on the only motive that you're his lover ?

" Sei..."

" Because I can't imagine a world that I would truly enjoy without you, you deserve the best, Y/n. Though I've fallen for your independance, since we're one, everything mine is yours, you should not being ashamed of anything."

Seeing you opening your mouth to try to justifiate your attitude, Akashi shut it with his own, deposing a small peck on your lips that destroyed all trace of a logic and inteligent answer in your mind.

What a drag... How would you return him all he give to you the same ? Nothing that you can buy can value even the smallest thing that he had already offrered you, but it was his birthday tomorrow and except of your present you couldn't think of something appropriate to express your love to him.

" Shht, my dear. You know I'm right." He says with a smirk.

Besides making you feel like the first days, Seijuro know also how to make you pout like a child despite that you're supposed to be decently mature.

" That's not fair..."

────────── · · · · ✦

In front of the chimney, you observe the fire dancing, your head lies on Akashi shoulder's as he's taking a pause on his book and that a cup of hot chocolate is between your hands. It was for sure one of the most relaxing moment you ever had in the past 6 months, forgetting about school, work or whatever were drowning you down in general it was inexistant here.

" That table... I used to play on it a lot with my mother."

" What kind of games ?"

Akashi smile when he hear sincere interest in your voice, not surprised of your curiosity when it involve him even for the silliest subjects. It was one of the reason you were with him afterall and not another person.

" Cards games mostly and even if I was a child, I don't remember having similar struggles winning against my mother than anybody else till now."

" So she was an high level player ?"

" Surprisingly not and she would admit herself that she was even quite unlucky, I used to not understand why I had so much difficulties with her but now it's pretty clear that I was inconsciously doing of sort to play with her more."

" It's adorable but insulting at the same time, i don't know how I would take it if I was in her position. You didn't do this with me right ?"

"..."

His laugh makes you felt like death has suddenly taken your body and your diginity with it.

"Maybe you can try to found out yourself ?" He put his book aside, amused by the situation.

" I've never felt so insulted in my life... Seijuro affront me right now, one one." Determined by your pride you still kept your calm and called him more in a playful tone than anything else.

" You won't be mad at me when you will find out how I play with you Y/n?"

" I can't promise that... i've been believing that I was good at shogi during more than a year!"

" And you're good."

" But how do I know for real now ?"

"Alright, alright... let's play then. Even if you finish to be angry at me that wouldn't last long."

" Wha-? You know that you're irresistible and you makes benefit of it on me ?! That's vicious... and I love it against my own agreement. How do you do ? That's disgusting."

" You're doing this to me everyday, Y/n."

" No i don't..?"

" You definitely do."

You don't even bother to pursuing that thing and sit in front of the said table with cards that you found around. Today was the day of truth.

────────── · · · · ✦

After losing 13 rounds in a row you didn't bother to test Akashi again and let him with his undefeated title. But most importantly, while playing against him you didn't saw something that would say he was holding back on purpose, what surprised you and comforted you a little bit on your own skills.

After that, you decided to take an hot bath and you had a sumptuous diner which by the way makes you felt really heavy. Filled Up and clean, there was nothing that you would need in the moment and so time went by and at the end you wanted to sleep. The Emperor led you to your shared room and before letting your body enjoy a restful night, you took initiative of a cuddle session. Making soft contact with Akashi's skin, your fingers doing small circles on his palm hand and forearm.

As sleep is slowly taking you away, your boyfriend whispers lovely words in your right ear and stroke your back, plunging you into another world : Watching the snow failling gently in the window with the elegant lights of the room while being under thoses pretty sheets with Akashi Seijuro beside... Everything looked like a dream. You took a look in the direction of your hidden gift, thinking of how you would make it memorable and your eyes closed despite a sudden excitation and vague of ideas that poped in your head last minute.

During the whole night, it was like your soul aspired to wake up early and so you slept easily but as if you're body is schedulded, first hour in the morning, 5:45 am you were awake and as you were quiting bed stupid flash of the game yesterday evening came to your head making you thinking that Akashi pitiyied you because of small action in his game, you pipe that idea away and focus on your tasks.

First step was the more difficult one but you managed to get out the bed without being noticed. You wanted to make breakfast for him but also as he would wake up, wish him an happy birthday quite special with his present in your hands.

Maids bringed the bouquet of roses you requested and helped you cooking food. You had so much plans for his birthday... If you remember well, there was that Power Point waiting in your draft explaining how perfect he is and why he should be happy, healthy and live so much years more. But you didn't carry on that idea as that wasn't amazing enough and that in fact that would be just you acting as a fangirl of your boyfriend during an hour at least.

You watch at the time, knowing that your lover used to being awake around 6:30-7:00 also on weekends while during winter even the sun doesn't rise that early.

You walk into the room, taking your gift quickely and in silence, posing the plate of breakfast that you tried your best to please him with. Well, you look at him to see that he's sligthly waking up, a smile grows on your lips.

Once you see one of those red orbs open, you heart skips a beat, Akashi sit on his bed a genuine smile as he see you.

" Good morning, Y/n."

and you can't help but kiss him.

" Happy birthday Seijuro!"

As you crash your lips in a sweet and chaste manner yet still filled with an unquestionable passion, you give him roses and put on evidence the breakfast. The smell of roses mixed with delicious plates increasing Akashi joy even if he doesn't show it in an obvious way.

" You didn't have to do this, Y/n... But it makes me really happy, Thank you."

" Do not thank me yet..! I haven't given you everything and you deserve the best."

You lay on his hand the package, letting him being curious to what is it. After taking a glance at you, he decide to open your gift and see an antique but expensive -for someone of your class- watch with his and your initials, because the clock is foldable when you unclip it, you can see a picture of his mother that you've put.

Akashi seemed quite touched and took your hand in his, a soft and nostalgic expression on his face.

" I obvisouly can't offer you one of the newer and expensive jewerly but I was sure that this one would be at your liking."

Emotional value combined with an utilitarian purpose, not to mention the style.

" And it is, you did well Y/n. It's until now the most valuable item I have in my possesion... I will cherish your present."

" And I will cherish you... Doesn't it sounded like a weeding vows ? Haha... However I will cherish you for real and in all the way possible so even if I can't give you as much as you do in terms of material... My affection would value at least as much if it's not even a lot more."

You said that while coming closer to him, eyes full of desire and of need to proove your love. Akashi put all thoses object you bring in bed on the nearest table as a more lewd expression took place on his face.

" Convince me."

And you were already under him.

" Maybe this one would be my favorite birthday."

#akashi seijuro #knb #kuroko no basket #kuroko no basuke #anime #manga #akashi seijuro x reader #happy birthday #i love him without my consent help #really i can even try to not like him #i love him more than i would admit #13 days

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harryhandstan · 4 years

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you bring me home

tw: death

word count: 2,356

This is a piece that was something more personal to me and I'm thankful to Olivia (@bfharry) for allowing me to include it in her bf!harry fic-a-thon. My aunt died in early December of 2019 very suddenly. She and my uncle had been together for almost 20 years, but since common law marriage is not recognized in my state, her sister was in charge of all arrangements. Her sister lived in another state and basically just called and set up everything for her cremation over the phone. My uncle was too devastated to really speak up and say anything, so my family and I never truly got a chance to have the experience of a funeral for her. I never felt like I got that closure I needed, so for the past 8 months since her death, my brain has cycled through this vicious cycle of denial and depression, never fully reaching acceptance. This piece is basically just the experience I wish I had and Harry helping me through the grief process.

It's also the very first Harry thing I've ever written and posted here so any and all feedback is welcome!

also lots of hugs to @geoffwittek for reading over everything for me and being such an angel in general

"Linds? We're gonna be late, love. Your family's still meeting at 3, right?"

His voice sounds distant, despite you both being in the same room. Your brain registers the noise but is unable to form a response.

He stands near the end of the bed, hands in his pockets, head down, "We don't have to go if it's too much for you. I'm sure your family would understand."

The black dress Harry helped you shop for 2 days ago lays, taunting you, at the end of the bed. You remember mindlessly wandering around before you had a breakdown in the middle of the department store. Harry had to sit with you on the bench outside of the store until you pulled yourself together enough to go back in.

Nearly a week ago, you had answered a call from home only to find your world turned upside down. Your Nanna cried on the other end, she couldn't believe the news was true either. It was so sudden and so unbelievably unexpected.

Your Aunt Linda was dead.

Thankfully, Harry had invited you over for dinner and a movie that night. You still don't remember how you stopped crying long enough to tell him the news. He held you on top of his chest, letting you sob until exhaustion took over and you fell asleep.

Currently, you were sitting on the side of the bed. Something in your brain had prompted you to gather enough strength to take a shower a couple of hours ago, but you hadn't had the energy to move since then. Harry's warm hand squeezing your shoulder brings you back to reality long enough to look at the clock and see you only had 10 minutes to get ready and be out the door.

"You coming back to me there, angel? Anything I can do to help you get ready for this?" he kneels in front of you, one hand on your thigh, the other cupping your face, wiping one of the many tears that were starting to form and fall.

"No, no, I can do this. I still wanna go. Just give me 5 minutes to get ready?"

"I'll go warm up the car." he leans up slightly and kisses your cheek before grabbing a set of keys off the dresser and disappearing down the stairs.

You throw the dress over your head quickly. Dread builds in your stomach but you push through, selecting a pair of pantyhose and taking longer to put them on than you have to spare, making sure you don't rip the delicate fabric. Shoes waited on the floor at the foot of the bed, a simple pair of black flats with a small silver buckle.

The bathroom lighting does you no justice as you try your best to do something to make yourself look somewhat presentable. You know there's no point in makeup, it'll all end up washed away by tears most likely before you even arrive at the funeral home. You apply a quick layer of moisturizer, hoping your skin will have a chance to recover before it's all washed away too. Your hair gets swept back into a low bun and at the last minute you grab a pair of earrings to loop through your ears on the way down the stairs and out the door.

The cold, winter air of December surrounds you as you make your way to the car. Harry was true to his word and had the car warm and waiting for you.

You take a shaky deep breath once you're settled in the passenger seat. Harry rests a hand on your knee, "You sure you're ready, peach?" you smile faintly at his nickname for you.

You'll never forget meeting him for the first time and comparing accents; your Georgia drawl versus his British one. Some nights when you were both delirious with sleepiness but unable to drift off, you would just exchange single words back and forth, trying to mimic one another. The nickname tended to roll off his tongue easier when you were in your hometown.

You shake your head no. How could you ever be ready for a day like this? Despite she and your uncle never getting married, she always supported and loved you and your siblings as her own nieces and nephew from day one. How were you supposed to live without a woman who always had an encouraging or motivational word to offer when you were sad or frustrated? A woman whose light was so bright in your life that her absence surrounded you with a darkness you could never imagine pulling yourself through? ______________________________________________________________

"You're making your lip bleed, lovie. Here." He swipes a thumb softly over your bottom lip. He pulls a tube of lip balm out of his coat pocket and you gratefully take it and use it.

"I don't know how much longer I can do this, H." You look down at your hands, a few frayed tissues lay on your lap, messy and still wet with tears. Your gaze meets his, eyes pleading for some sort of escape.

His arm wraps behind your back and a hand rests on your side, pulling you closer to him. He kisses your temple, "Do you want to leave?" His voice is a low, comforting rumble in your ear.

You look around at the small funeral home chapel. Only two of the twelve long wooden pews were filled. Most of your aunt's family still lived in Virginia, where she was originally from, and none of them could be bothered to pay their respects here in small town, Georgia. You couldn't leave now.

He reads your face, a brief glance over your features, feels your body relax into his, "Just say the word if you change your mind, alright?"

You rest your head on Harry's shoulder for the remainder of the sermon. The preacher is nice enough, but the speech he prepared is all wrong. Your aunt would have appreciated this, but it just wasn't her. Wasn't an accurate representation of who she was and the impact she had on your universe.

The preacher finally wraps up with a prayer, asking all to stand and bow their heads. You've never known Harry to be a particularly religious sort, but he grabs your hand and squeezes as he bows his head. A quick and thoughtful reminder that he's still there. He's not leaving your side.

The small gathering of guests parades past the casket now, all expressing their final goodbyes as they pass. Harry stands back, quiet and respectful, letting your family through first before he rejoins you. His hand lands on the small of your back and wanders around to rest on your hip as you walk back into the lobby together.

You accept a few hugs and expressions of condolences from the few friends that came. Your hand stays loosely tied to Harry's the whole time, and he uses his free hand to greet everyone you introduce him to. Your family offers you a spot in the family car to the graveside, but you decline. Harry assures them he'll drive you to the cemetery safely.

The graveside service is thankfully quick. Another gathering of guests and more kind words from the preacher. A small prayer. Emotional exhaustion is settling into your body, and Harry easily supports your weight back to the car when the service is over.

"Your Nanna cornered me in lobby before we left the funeral home while you were talking to your cousin," he starts the car and fiddles with the controls, adjusting the heat, "she wants us to come to her house for a bit. Are you up for that?"

You nod your head yes, still not sure if your voice is strong enough to not break when you answer him. You know it will only be your family there. 8 people, including Harry. You could handle that.

"Should we grab a bite to eat before we go? You haven't eaten much today, honey."

You chuckle. The first genuine laugh in a week bubbling up through your chest. You stop when you notice Harry's adorably confused expression, his brow furrowing together with slight concern.

"Oh, no. You don't eat before you go to Nanna's house, trust me." ______________________________________________________________

Harry is a warm addition to the small house on the hill.

His eyes go wide when he sees the amount of food spread across your grandmother's small round kitchen table. His gaze follows everyone already seated around the table and then back to you. All you can manage is an "I told you so" shrug.

"Is all this just to impress me or..?" his voice is a whisper in your ear, but the kitchen is so small it echoes around to the whole table.

"No, babe. This is how it always is at Nanna's."

Your Nanna and Aunt Donna, who you're sure spent all day making everything, insist that it's not THAT much food, but you know you'll all be guilted into at least finishing a full plate AND taking leftovers home for later. You're thankful to see even your uncle has a plate in front of him, knowing his appetite hasn't been the same since he lost your aunt.

When dinner is finished, a pot of coffee is made and passed aroud to accompany dessert. The aroma fills the house, the strong scent a comforting reminder of your Aunt Linda. She always said she hated the taste, but loved the smell. You inhale, the essence surrounding you and bringing back warm and lovely memories. You catch Harry's eye, a small smile crossing your face.

He makes his way around the living room, refilling a few mugs along the way. The open entryway between the two rooms allows you to watch the path he takes. He stops where your momma sits in a green plaid armchair, her lips are moving but you can't make out what they're saying. They both look at you and he turns back to her, a charming smile lighting up his face.

By the time he makes it back to the kitchen, you've slipped into your Nanna's bedroom. You know it's normally rude to disappear, but this place is home. Had been your second home all your life and you knew no one would care that you were slipping your shoes off and crawling under the covers of the freshly made bed.

You hear a lull of voices outside the door, and you're thankful for the noise, for the small comfort of gentle chaos. If you listen closely, you could pinpoint individual noises throughout the house; your dad and Nanna talking politics, your momma and sister flipping through channels on the living room tv, your Aunt Donna and your uncle questioning Harry about his favorite British television shows. You hear water running and picture Harry, his tall frame towering over the tiny kitchen sink, helping with the dishes. You feel a slight bit of guilt for leaving him alone, but by the sound of his laughter, he's making himself right at home too.

You drift to sleep, and when you wake, Harry is next to you. His long fingers smoothing comfortingly up and down your arm, "You disappeared, love. Thought you might like some company. Hope you don't mind me joining you."

You shift your body closer to him, your head on his chest, his arm resting behind your head, "Is everyone still here?"

He brushes a loose strand of hair out of your face, tucks it neatly behind your ear, "Your uncle just left a minute ago, but everyone else is still around. Your brother called, said he was sorry he couldn't make it. I came to find you, make sure you were okay."

Your little brother was in his last semester of college. It was finals week and you know he would've been here if he could.

"I'm okay...I mean as okay as you can be after a day like today, you know?"

"Yeah, I know."

You slip off the bed and Harry follows you, hands on your waist to steady your balance while you slip your shoes back on. He helps you remake the bed, and the two of you make your way back towards the kitchen, now quiet that everyone moved to the living room.

"Harry?" You turn back at the last second before you leave the room. He's following so closely behind you you end up pressed against him.

"Hmm?" He catches you, pulling you even closer, the light from the kitchen shining on his face.

"I haven't had a moment to thank you today. For all of it..dropping everything and flying out here with me, spending the whole day with my family, driving me everywhere, just being here with me. You've kept me sane and I could never repay you for something like that."

"You don't have to thank me. I wouldn't have dreamed of being anywhere else than right here. You needed me and that was all that mattered, everything else can wait."

______________________________________________________________

“Ha! Look at baby peach! How old were you here?”

Your lap was covered in pictures, the few favorites you had brought with you from home. Harry was plopped next to you on the couch. The picture in question is a baby picture of you, chocolate icing all over your chubby cheeks.

“That’s my first birthday party.” You giggle at his smile, the way he can’t stop staring at the photo.

You shuffle through a few more, Harry being curious about each one and questioning you about every detail.

“Who’s this?” The picture he hands you takes your breath away for a second. You forgot it was mixed in and he instantly knows by the tears filling up your eyes.

“It’s your Aunt Linda, isn’t it? I’m sorry, I didn’t know..”

“No, it’s okay. This is a good picture of her. She had such an amazing smile.” He rests his head on your shoulder.

“She loved you so much, babe. She would be so proud of you.”

“Yeah, she would’ve thought you were pretty great too, H.”

#boyfriendathon #harry x reader #bf!harry #my writing

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jalapeno-princess · 3 years

Text

Make it to Christmas

Mark Tuan X Reader

Word Count: 4.9K

Genre: Angst with a happy ending

Summary: Winter was your favorite season and Christmas had to be one of your favorite holidays. However, as the weather got colder, so did your relationship with your boyfriend Mark. When he brings up how your relationship is no longer what it used to be and that he feels that the two of you should take a break, that’s when you realize how much you have been neglecting him and that you are the reason that your relationship is failing.

A/N: Hey guys! So I wrote this last December but I didn’t finish it until earlier this year. This has been in my notes for the longest time and every now and then I look at my many stories that I’ve written and never finished (There are at least seven Christmas imagines that I never took the time or had the motivation to get around to finishing any of the stories). This story is based on the song “Make it to Christmas by Alessia Cara and I would definitely recommend for you all to check it out it is soooooo good and one of my favorite Christmas songs (Even if it is so sad). I’m like 35% done with the last chapter of my “Crazy little thing called love” series and I just want to thank you guys for being so patient (For some reason I’ve been having writer’s block with the last chapter I don’t know why but hopefully I’ll be getting around towards finishing it within the next two weeks). With that being said, happy reading! (BTW, this story might not be as good as my other ones because this one is older and I didn’t feel like editing it all that much but hoenestly who gives a shit not me hahahahaha)

We were warm and wonderful once upon a time But now we're frozen, hanging by a thread Can we wait a minute? Or can we just try to try? 'Cause my favorite day is coming up ahead

Darling, I know that our love is going cold It's just something 'bout the snow This time of year that makes us lose our way Just say we'll make up And hold on a little longer Don't have me spending it alone This time of year is precious Please, can we make it to Christmas? Can we make it to Christmas?

No matter how much you loved the holiday season, you couldn’t say you were all too excited for it this year. Your four year relationship with your boyfriend Mark has been on the rocks lately and neither of you understood where everything went wrong.

Back in the beginning of the year, you had accepted a job that you have been dreaming about ever since you were a little girl. However, this job took up most of your time, leaving you no time to spend with Mark. This left your poor boyfriend feeling neglected and the two of you would always argue about it to the point where you would leave your shared apartment before things could take a turn for the worst. Then came the cheating allegations.

At first, Mark was very excited for you to finally get your dream job. He knew how hard you worked in order to do so and how many times you cried during college because of how hard it was. But he couldn’t brush off the green monster on his shoulder telling him that you were having an affair behind his back. He understood how certain jobs would take up the entirety of someone’s day, but it seemed as if you never went home.

By the time you arrived back to your apartment, he was fast asleep and when he woke up in the morning, you were already gone. This led him to thinking there was someone else. Your relationship no longer felt like a relationship anymore and you could feel it slowly falling apart. You didn’t know what to do in order to save it. As much as you knew you wanted to spend the rest of your life with Mark, you didn’t know if your relationship would last until Christmas.

Mark thought long and hard about what he should do. The thought of losing you killed him. He loved you with every fiber of his being and you were the sole reason for his existence. However, he felt as if you no longer felt the same and he didn’t want to force you in to staying in your relationship if you no longer wanted to. One night after you came home late again, you were shocked to see your boyfriend sitting on the couch. Normally he was knocked out around this time, but he was just sitting there in the peace and quiet; staring blankly at the tv screen.

You took a look around the living room and only noticed in that moment how bare it was. Every year since moving in together, you and Mark would decorate it with lights, fake snow and even a train set. This year, you haven’t even set up the tree and the thought hurt your heart. People say change was good, but you couldn’t help but feel that this change was a sign of the end of your relationship.

“Hey.” He looked up at you and released a long sigh.

“Hi.” You put down your bags as you slowly made your way to your room. It didn’t take you long to notice him trailing behind you. A part of you hated how awkward things got between the two of you in the last few months, but if Mark seemed unbothered by the distance, you didn’t mind either. However, you were upset that such a thing was happening during your favorite season.

You didn’t feel like getting in to the holiday spirit nor did you want anything to do with Christmas--there was no point when everything in your life seemed to be falling apart. You noticed your boyfriend took a seat on the bed and you took this time to change and settle down. But before you could walk in the bathroom, he asked for you to sit down. You took a seat next to him and the two of you sat in silence for what felt like hours.

In the four years of your relationship, there were many times the two of you spent in silence, but it was always a calm and serene type of quiet. However, this was an awkward and tense silence and you were hoping he would speak up soon because you didn’t know what to say.

“What are we doing y/n?”

You looked up at your boyfriend in curiosity and only then did you notice how tired he looked. His dark circles were very prominent, his cheekbones were more defined and his eyes no longer held the sparkle in them that they used to have when the two of you first began dating. You couldn’t help but feel that it was your relationship that was causing this and you never hated yourself more than you did in that moment after coming to the realization.

“What do you mean?”

He gave you a knowing look and stared at you for a while. It was as if he was looking at a stranger. His heart rate didn’t increase at the sight of you like it used to months ago. It wasn’t because he no longer loved you; Mark knew he was still so in love with you--but sometimes love just wasn’t enough.

“Y/n, I know you feel it too. We’re not what we used to be. We don’t act like a couple anymore. Hell, I can’t even remember the last time we had a decent conversation. We hardly see each other nowadays, I get one kiss every other day if I’m lucky and even when we sleep together, you’re so far away. I feel as if I’m a burden to you. Ever since you got your job, I feel as if you never make time for me—for us and it sucks. I miss you so much, but it doesn’t seem to bother you. I’ve tried so hard to make it work between us. I can feel you slipping away and I wanted to work on us. I want us to last so badly. But I can’t keep being the only one putting effort in to our relationship y/n. I can’t keep trying to set fire to an already burnt out flame. I’m tired. There’s so much going on in my life right now and I want nothing more to run to you with my problems like I used to. I always feel so safe with you, but now I feel like I can’t talk to you because we’re the problem. Our relationship is killing me y/n. That’s why I think we need to take a break.”

You didn’t even realize you were crying until he brought his fingers up to wipe away your tears. Here he was trying to console you all the while breaking your heart. However, you couldn’t blame him for doing so. He was right. You made it seem like your relationship was a chore and you hated that it took Mark to tell you how he felt in order for you to realize something was wrong.

“Mark--baby I’m so sorry--please--please don’t leave. I’ll fix this. I promise I’ll change--“ He pulled you on top of his lap and placed a soft kiss on your forehead.

“I don’t want you changing anything about yourself. Okay? You’re perfect just the way you are. Couples grow apart and it’s normal. In order to grow together again, we need some time apart. We’ll be okay one day. We need to find ourselves first before finding each other again. I love you with my entire being y/n, but our love just isn’t enough anymore. I sat and thought about this for a while. Never in a million years did I ever think I would ever break up with you. I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with you and I still plan on doing so. But like I said, maybe we need time apart to realize how much we really need each other. Until then, please take care of yourself. Make sure to eat all your meals and get your rest. I’m sorry things aren’t working out between us but I hope you know that I love you.”

You held him as tightly as you possibly could, not wanting to let him go because you knew once he left, nothing would ever be the same. Mark was in your life for many years even before the two of you started dating. You hardly ever lived without him. Sure you had your fair share of arguments and disagreements, but break ups weren’t an option. However, you couldn’t help but feel like it was really bad this time. If he wanted a break up, you knew this meant he no longer wanted a relationship with you.

The thought of losing him upset you, but you didn’t want to continue hurting him. His words cut like a knife. You didn’t mean to put him through all of that and you tried your best to understand why he was giving up on your relationship so easily. But then you thought about what he said earlier. He was putting so much effort in to your relationship but you failed to do so. He slowly got up and you just laid there while watching him get his things.

There were so many words that were on the tip of your tongue, but you didn’t feel like you had the right to say them. You didn’t feel like you should hold him back from wanting to leave. You treated him like shit, you didn’t deserve him. But you couldn’t picture life without him. Seeing him grab his bags made you want to run up to him and take them out of his hands--however, hearing him ask for a break drained all the energy out of you and you wanted nothing more than to go to bed. There was nothing you could do, his mind was made up--he was leaving you and there was nothing you could do about it. Once he was done, he gave you a sad smile and placed one more kiss on your forehead.

“Please don’t go. I’m nothing without you.”

That’s when you saw a tear fall from his handsome face. You looked so small, so fragile and he knew the “break” would take a toll on you, but not as much as it would on him. “Y/n--please--I already hate the thought of no longer being yours. But I lost myself loving you. I need to find myself again in order to be happy. Take care of yourself okay?”

With one last kiss, he was out the door. You don’t remember how long you cried for, but your pillow was soaked with tears. It still had yet to really hit you that the love of your life was gone. He never allowed you to explain yourself and you were well aware that it was because his heart was tired of fighting for a relationship you were no longer putting effort in to anymore.

After what felt like hours, you finally fell asleep. It’s been over two weeks since Mark left and for the first week, you didn’t do anything. You called out sick from work, giving all sorts of lame excuses. At this point you didn’t even care if you got fired. There were many jobs out there, but there was only one Mark.

As much as you wanted to give him his space, you couldn’t help but ask his friends about how he was doing. He was the only thing on your mind. The second week was even worse. You turned to alcohol to try your best to forget about his absence, but it only made things more difficult for you. Your dreams were filled with some of your favorite memories you shared with Mark. He left a lot of his things at your apartment and they were taunting you--reminding you that he was no longer there and that it was all your fault.

You found yourself putting on his clothes and sleeping on his side of the bed. The apartment was so cold and empty without him there. Some days you would stay out as late as possible to prevent yourself from having to be all alone. No matter how much wine you would consume, nothing would take away the pain. When Mark left, he took your heart with him. You hated yourself and couldn’t stop blaming yourself for not treating him the way he deserved. He took such good care of you, why couldn’t you do the same for him? Why did you let work get in the way of your only source of happiness?

Your mom had invited you and Mark to her annual Christmas party and as soon as you received the invitation, you were quick to decline. Nobody but Mark’s friends knew that the two of you broke up. You didn’t want to be around friends and family while you were so heartbroken. Nor did you want to burden anyone with the upsetting news of your break up. Christmas was supposed to be such a happy time, but you couldn’t wait for it to be over with.

You hated the idea of being asked about Mark and you did not want to receive pity from your family over something that was your fault. However, your mom never took no as an answer. On the night of the party, you tried your best to get ready no matter how tired and drained you were from the lack of sleep. You didn’t want anyone knowing something was wrong even if you were seconds away from a mental breakdown.

Once you finished getting ready, you took in a deep breath and made your way to your parent’s house. This was the first time you drove by yourself since the break up. You didn’t have enough energy to do anything and you sure weren’t ready to be operating such a dangerous vehicle, but you had to suck it up and be a big girl so nobody could see through your facade.

Lights occupied the entire front of the house and as much as you wanted to laugh at how obsessed your mom was with decorating, you were too busy wallowing in self pity to even care about anything else other than the pain you were going through. After you parked, you sat in your car for fifteen minutes until you built the courage to walk up to the door.

“Y/n! You’re finally here! Why did I know you were going to be late? I told Mark to force you to get ready an hour earlier because I know how you can get. Where is he by the way? Is he still parking the car?”

She peered outside while you snuck in to the house to prevent her from asking more questions. All your family came up to greet you and just like your mom, everyone seemed to want to know where Mark was. You couldn’t blame them. He came for every single party and gathering your mom would host over the course of your relationship and they all grew attached to him. Mark was the perfect guy.

He was the type of guy you’d want to bring home to your family. You couldn’t believe you mistreated him to the point where he felt as if he had to leave. You were on the verge of tears every time someone brought him up and it seemed as if Mark was the talk of the party, even if he wasn’t there. While your mom was preparing the food, your dad called you over and asked you when Mark would be coming.

“I know you probably want to sit next to your boyfriend during dinner, but I want to talk to him about the football game.”

When you and Mark first started dating, he was quick to make his way in to both of your parent’s hearts. With your mom, all he had to do was charm her with compliments and help her around the house. With your dad, they bonded over sports and video games. Your parents were head over heels for him and sometimes you felt as though they preferred him over you, but you couldn’t blame them. Mark was an extremely likable person.

“He’s spending Christmas with his family this year.” Your dad frowned in disappointment and you wondered how he would feel if he knew the real reason behind Mark’s absence.

“Shucks. Well, make sure he comes for New Years. I bought him a gift. Tell him we’re going to miss him tonight.”

You gave him a fake smile and headed towards the living room to join your family in the festivities. Everything seemed to be going well—there was a Christmas movie going on in the background as your nieces and nephews ran around chasing each other. Maybe you did need a break from your thoughts and what a better way to stop your suffering than to spend time with some of your favorite people.

Unfortunately, your grandma brought up how she was waiting patiently for you and Mark to finally get married and that’s when you decided it was all too much to handle. You ran in to the guest room and allowed the many tears to fall. It’s as if the universe wanted to constantly remind you of the mistakes you made in your relationship.

After getting text messages from some of your cousins asking where you ran off to, you looked in the mirror and began to make yourself presentable enough—as if you weren’t just crying. Immediately after you walked outside, your niece ran in to you and told you she had a surprise for you. You didn’t think anything of it; kids always had little tricks up their sleeves and honestly you were going to take any kind of distraction you could get.

“Last week in class, we talked about mistletoe and how you’re supposed to kiss the person you love underneath it.” She reached for your hand and dragged you over to the dining area.

“Stand here.” You gave her a confused look but complied with the little girl whilst taking a glimpse at the mistletoe. Memories of the first Christmas you spent together with Mark came rushing back.

The two of you had just started dating around that time and since he was your first boyfriend, he wanted to take things slow with you. Even after a month of dating, he had yet to kiss you and you were starting to think it was because he didn’t want to kiss you. You never wanted to voice how you felt over something like that, but you wanted nothing more than to finally feel his lips on yours. On that night of the Christmas party, he sneakily got you underneath the mistletoe and the two of you shared your first of many kisses together.

Seeing the mistletoe made you want nothing more and to take it down and throw it away. Just a few seconds later, your eyes were being covered and before your mind could process what was happening, a pair of lips were on yours. It didn’t take you long to realize it was your favorite pair of lips and you quickly responded in to the kiss. His arms wrapped around your waist as yours found their place around his neck. You didn’t care that you were surrounded by your family. His warmth and his lips were the only things you cared about in that moment.

“Hi.” You pulled away and started gently tracing your fingers along his handsome features. The two of you stood like that for a while, with him giggling at your ministrations.

“You’re here. You’re real. I’m not dreaming right?” He chuckled while shaking his head in disagreement. He placed two soft kisses on both your eyelids while caressing your cheeks.

“You’ve been crying. And I see you haven’t been eating your meals y/n. You promised me--” You were about to respond when your mom walked over to the two of you.

“Mark! You’re here! Good, everyone’s been asking for you. How have you been dear? You’ve lost so much weight! Are you on that diet again?”

He shook his head all the while shooting you a knowing look. You had to remind yourself to inform him that no one in your family knew of your break up. Your mom stole him for a few moments, giving you the excuse that she wanted to “show him off” to the rest of your family—but it was fine, you needed time to breathe. He was here, he kissed you and held you as if nothing was wrong. You weren’t complaining, but you wanted to know why he was here and why he was acting like the two of you weren’t on a break.

“Ah Mark! I was upset when y/n said you weren’t coming tonight. Did you watch the game last week? The patriots are doing really well this season.”

Your heart warmed at the sight of your two favorite men interacting like they normally did, but you couldn’t help but feel as if it was too good to be true. Your cousins brought you over to the couch and wouldn’t stop raving about how handsome and sweet your boyfriend was and how lucky you were to have him. As you looked over to Mark, heat rose to your cheeks when you caught him already staring back at you.

“I can tell that man really loves you y/n. I see the way he looks at you. Even when he was talking to my mom, he wouldn’t stop bring you up in conversation. And look at how well he gets along with our family. You better not lose him. Men like that are hard to find.”

When you decided that you had enough time being reminded of the fact that Mark was such a perfect human being that you obviously did not deserve, you snuck away back to the guest room hoping Mark would notice your absence and take the hint to come find you. While waiting for him, you decided to lie down and stare up at the ceiling; wanting to give yourself time to recuperate your thoughts and to think about what you should say to him once he were to come in to the room.

Ten minutes later, you heard a soft knock on the door and you told whoever it was to come in. Seeing him again after three weeks of being without him made you realize how much you missed him, how much you loved him, how much you needed him in your life and how you were nothing without him. He slowly made his way towards you and sat down on the bed.

“What are you doing here?” He reached for your fingers and started playing with them, a habit you noticed would help with calming him down.

“Your mom, she um—she texted me and told me to get you here earlier since we are always the last ones to arrive because you never know what to wear. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I wasn’t coming nor did I know if you told her about us. I was going to make up an excuse, I’m pretty sure you did too. My parents, they were shocked to see me tonight because they know I’m always with you on Christmas Eve. They kept asking about you, saying how much they miss you and how they can’t wait for us to start having kids so they can spoil them like they do with my nieces. So I ultimately decided to come here. I also wanted to talk to you, if that’s okay.” You hesitantly nodded and motioned for him to continue.

“I’m sorry. I was stupid for letting you go. I don’t understand why I thought taking a break would make things better. I can’t believe I listened to that “distance makes the heart grow fonder” bullshit. I missed you so fucking much baby. These last few weeks have been a living hell without you. I found myself outside of our apartment on multiple occasions, wanting to come in and hold you for as long as possible. To ask for you back and to pretend that this whole break up never happened. But I didn’t have the guts to do so. Every time BamBam or Yugyeom would bring you up, I’d always have to leave the conversation because it hurt hearing your name and it hurt even more when they would tell me how the break up was ruining you. It was ruining me too. I can’t deny it though, our relationship was tearing me apart. I hated the person I was turning in to. I kept blaming myself for everything bad that was happening to us, I was lashing out on random strangers because of everything that was going on and I even made Youngjae cry by saying something I didn’t mean all because our relationship wasn’t what it used to be. I thought being away from you would help me mentally—I needed time to think. Time to breathe—but if anything, our breakup made things so much worse. I’ve been staying with Jinyoung for the last few weeks and everything reminded me of you. He made me blueberry pancakes, just the way you like them. He uses that same laundry detergent you use on our clothes and he even has that same vanilla candle I bought for you from bath and body and I was so close to throwing it away because of how much it reminded me of you.” He placed a soft kiss on the corner of your mouth when he noticed your dazed facial expression.

“I thought going on a break would help us focus on ourselves and live our lives the way we want to without worrying about each other. It only made me realize how much I’m madly in love with you and how I can’t do anything without you. You’re my soulmate y/n. My person. I was made for you and you were made for me. I knew we were going to get back together sooner or later. Or I at least hoped we would. But I can’t blame you if you no longer want to be with me. I should’ve waited and thought about this longer, but I think the breakup made me come to terms with the fact that I don’t want anyone else but you for the rest of my life. Like, I already know we’re going to get married one day, and like you said, couples fight. It’s only normal. I just didn’t think fighting the way we were was healthy and I saw how much it was hurting you. I hate seeing you unhappy y/n and I couldn’t help but feel as if it was my fault that you were so miserable, so I left. But I’m here tonight, not only to please your family, but to ask for you to come back to me. You don’t have to make the decision now, but just know that I love you, I miss you and I’d do anything to make you mine again.”

You gently brought your hands up to his cheek and connected your lips to his. He immediately pulled you on his lap and laid down so that you were hovering over him. The two of you made out for a while until you pulled away to catch your breath.

“Do me a favor?” You looked at him in curiosity but hummed in agreement.

“Tell me you love me. I’ve been dying to hear you say it again. I’ve been wanting to hear those words fall from your pretty lips for months now. Fuck baby, you don’t understand how much I’ve missed you. I couldn’t listen to jingle bells without crying, I’m actually such a loser. I couldn’t stop thinking about all of our Christmases together and I refused to spend one without you. We’ve celebrated five Christmases together so far and I plan on spending every single Christmas and all of the other holidays with you for the rest of my life. Matter a fact—“ Before you could actually process what was going on, Mark motioned for you to get off of him in order for him to stand up. When you saw him get down on one knee, you were a sobbing mess.

“I’ve had this ring since the beginning of our relationship. I actually purchased it just a couple of months after we started dating. I knew you were the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Our breakup, it only made me realize how much I can’t live without you. I felt like I was slowly dying as the days went by. I really didn’t want to leave. When I walked out the door, it took every bone in my body not to walk back inside and pull you in my embrace. I thought our breakup was for the best, and I thought that with time we would be fine. But then I thought about it. I would rather argue with you, get drunk over you, cry over you and have you be mad at me than to be happy with anyone else. I don’t think—actually, I know I could never be happy with anyone else. It’s you. It’s always been you and it’s always going to be you for the rest of my life and however long time let’s us be together for. Forever I hope. I want to settle down with you, have a big family with you, buy us a nice big house with a pool and a yard. I want to grow old with you. I want to be yours forever baby. You don’t have to say yes right now. I know it’s a lot to take in. Just know you’d make me the happiest and luckiest man on earth if you do so. Just to let you know, you mean everything to me and I love you with my entire being. Will you marry me?” The tears were quickly falling down your eyes and Mark snickered at the sight.

“How are you still so beautiful when you cry—Ow babe stop. That was a compliment.”

You sank down to where he was and roughly smashed your lips against his. Words couldn’t describe how much you’ve missed this. Being in his arms felt comforting—safe. It felt like home. When he felt you smile against his lips, he bit on your bottom lip and pulled away to catch his breath.

“Yes. Of course I’ll marry you. God Mark, I love you so, so much. Thank you for coming back to me. Merry Christmas my love.”

#got7 imagines #got7 #mark tuan #mark tuan imagines #got7 mark

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lovingleehaechan · 4 years

Text

I adore you. - Jung Jaehyun (Part II)

genre: fluff, angst(?)

word count: 1.6k

warnings: curse words

a/n: why hello there... long time no post T-T i know, it’s been too long since this awaited update but i’m back to writing now! it’s been a busy couple of months and i haven’t had time to sit back and actually enjoy writing without getting so stressed :( i hope this update is enough to fill the void for now. but for sure after this one, it’ll pick up. do you think y/n and jaehyun will have a happy ending? or will it end in an oof situation? stay tuned my loves!

with all my love, summer x

It’s December, everyone knows what that means, exam season. Though it’s the end of semester, Jaehyun’s stress levels were through the roof. He hasn’t felt like this in a long while, unprepared and panicked over the little exams he has. In order to ease his worries, he motivates himself to go to the library and make an attempt to get something done. He can’t stand sitting on his living room couch, aimlessly scrolling through his phone while simultaneously searching for a movie to watch.

Procrastination is and always will be a bitch but hey, at least he got himself out of the house. Even if it was just for a cup of coffee and a couple of minutes of looking at his notes. He sighs as he catches sight of the grey and miserable building in his campus. How he dreads staring at the old and ancient site. Jaehyun exhales another breath and gets himself mentally prepared for what is about to come.

“Death and a breakdown,” his mind answers.

As expected, the library was full of students also trying to study for their exams. Some caught with panic in their eyes while they read through their notes quickly and a few with their hands on their heads, seeking comfort from what was an oncoming breakdown. Though it was a huge building with many spots to sit and settle down with books, laptops and notes, Jaehyun always preferred the third floor, where there was a hidden bunch of tables caught in the middle of a forest of books. Not a lot of people knew of this particular spot, the only ones who knew about it were you and a couple of other friends.

What he didn’t expect is to see you there with your earphones on, highlighter in hand, studying. He’s momentarily distracted by your calm appearance. Jaehyun never thought that someone could look so gorgeous just by being focused. Your eyebrows are furrowed and your head slowly moves in time with the music you’re listening to.

His heart sighs again.

His breath caught.

And his long legs lead him to where you are.

Without realising, he taps your shoulder.

You turn your head slowly, reluctant to look up from the notes you just wrote. Catching sight of Jaehyun you smile with your eyes.

“Oh hey,” you say as you take one earphone out.

“You didn’t tell me you were in the library today.” he blurts.

“Yeah, I legged it out this morning and forgot to ask if you wanted to come. You know how it is during exam season.” you explain to him in a hushed voice.

Jaehyun nods, and sets himself down at the empty seat next to you. He takes out his notes, laptop and pencil case. All ready to get himself stuck at all the information he needs to learn for the coming week.

As he gets himself setted, it only causes you to watch him as he goes about his unknowing routine whenever he’s in the library. You smile slightly, and a light chuckle comes out of your mouth. Jaehyun, busy getting himself together, didn't notice.

He sits himself down on the chair next to you with a highlighter in his mouth and a furrowed eyebrow looking at his books. He had no idea how the fuck he was going to get all this information in his head for his exam that was two days from now. You on the other hand, went back to studying soon after you saw Jaehyun settle down. It only took a couple of minutes to get your head back into focus and immediately forgetting that your friend was there in the first place.

A couple of hours, maybe three or two, you sigh deeply. Jaehyun had heard it over the music he was listening to. He looks over to you with a questioning look.

You mouth, “I need a break.” and a smile breaks out from your face.

He smiles with you, “me too,” he gestures with his fingers.

Using your hands, you point out towards the exit, quickly followed by a gesture that indicated you wanted to eat too.

Jaehyun nods in agreement but you decide to leave your things there as the both of you would only be gone for an hour.

Or so you thought.

Jaehyun didn’t realise how much he loved to spend time with you. Having a simple meal with you at the nearest convenience store is enough to have him smiling for the rest of the night.

Your plan only consisted of having a quick meal and a brief walk around the library. But no, here you were, lying down on the couches situated in the lobby of some random building in the campus.

“Hmm… law building.” Jaehyun voices.

“What?” you say, as you give your best attempt to look at him, too comfortable to get up properly.

“I think we’re in the law building-”

“I honestly can’t give two shits right now. I’m in procrastination mode. Let’s not disturb my unsettled peace.” you interrupt, rolling your eyes.

Jaehyun chuckles once more for the nth time that day.

“Why is it that when exam season rolls around, I’m just so stressed to the point where nothing can ease my worries and anxiety.” you suddenly voice your thoughts out loud.

“Maybe it’s because you’re scared of failing. I know how high your standards are of yourself. Sometimes they’re unrealistic but they kinda make sense. I mean, I’m the same too.” Jaehyun sighs, exhaustion finally catching up to him.

You stay silent for a minute, or five.

“I can’t help it. That’s just me.” you start slowly.

He says nothing, only nodding to encourage you to keep going.

“I mean okay, a lot of it mostly has to do with how I see myself. I want to do well but I can never reach that place where I want to be… Yes it’s just exams but I like feeling proud of myself. I like seeing those grades that I worked hard for. But the thing is, I’m also… how do I say it. I’m only motivated when someone is there with me. Company, that’s all I need to keep myself going.”

He stares at you. Nothing again.

“But not everyone can give you that company,” Jaehyun states. “Not everyone understands.”

Just like that he knew. He knew exactly what you were saying and that was all you needed. That was what both of you needed. Though there was clearly a deeper meaning to the reason, Jaehyun didn’t pry.

He’s patient like that, he waits for you to come to him. Just like everything else in your friendship.

It's your turn to sigh, closing your eyes.

“Exactly,”

He gives you a small smile.

“Not even my own boyfriend can give me that anymore…” you finish.

Jaehyun’s voice is caught in his throat.

Did you really just say that out loud? After all this time, all those moments you shared with your boyfriend, Jaehyun was the first person you told. He saw how you were like in the beginning of your relationship.

Happy, wrapped around each other's fingers, and not to mention you spent every waking moment with him whenever you got the chance. What changed he wondered.

He didn’t know, but you were also asking yourself the same question. “Where did it all change? When did it change?”

Taking note of your furrowed eyebrows, he made the decision to change the topic.

“So, any plans after the exams?” keeping the topic light, despite the heavy feeling you both felt.

“I’m not sure yet. I wanted to check out some of the Christmas markets around the city. I still need to get a few presents for my family and Doyoung and his family too.”

“Isn’t that your entire family then?” he chuckles.

Your eyes widen in shock which makes you sit up from your earlier position. “Fuck. You’re right.” You palm your face in distress, “ugh no.”

He laughs a little louder, patting your head to comfort you.

“Stop it you’re not making this any better.” panic starting to rise on your face.

“Don’t forget mine too.” he teases, grinning at you widely.

“Shut up idiot, I already got yours.” you say, getting back to your mental list quickly after replying.

This caught Jaehyun off guard once more. His heart did a little jump again. Dammit, how can a simple sentence from you have that kind of effect on him.

“Now I’m stressed. Fuck you bro.” you tell him after finishing your mental list.

“I can always help you shop, you know. I’m quite good with buying presents.” he suggests.

“Maybe that can work. It’ll lessen my stress levels. Well either lessen them or add to them, really depending on what you’re like on the day.” you chuckle.

He opens his mouth to say something, takes a deep breath to reply something smart but he stops and nods as he says, “yeah you’re right.”

You both laugh out loud, relieving some sort of stress from studying all morning.

“Should we head back?” you ask, looking to your side.

“We haven’t gotten anything to eat yet.” he points out the obvious with a look.

“Stop it, don’t look at me like I’m dumb.”

He rolls his eyes.

“You of all people know that Jae. Don’t start.”

Jaehyun smiles widely.

“Oh no here it comes.”

You put your head in your hands.

“I- of all people know just how dumb you really are y/n.” he starts laughing louder, making the people passing by stare at him weirdly.

You sigh, “I just knew you were going to say that.” smiling unknowingly.

“Dude stop.”

But he couldn’t, he loved to tease you like that.

He loved doing everything with you.

Oh what life would be like if he was able to kiss the living daylights out of you.

He’d be complete.

He wouldn’t need anything else.

Just you.

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thevictorianghost · 3 years

Text

A look back at 2020 - and a thank you to the Zutara fandom

Okay.

So.

I’ve never done this before. I know 2020 has been… a year. To say the least. A messy, sad, hell of a year. I’m not saying my 2020 was perfect. There were many events that were supposed to happen but got cancelled because of COVID. But if you could believe it, 2019 was so much worse for me, especially creative-wise. So I decided to make this post about how my 2020 went, because it went a lot better than 2019!

Never again, 2019. Never again.

Also if you feel like you haven’t been creative or haven’t had the energy to do everything you wanted to do, please don’t take this post as a “haha I did so much better than you guys!” Because that is ABSOLUTELY NOT what I want to achieve. I just want to give myself a pat on the back. Honestly, I think what really helped this year was when I got into a slump for one type of creative endeavour, I jumped to the next. I set myself to start something and finished it. Then, if I felt burnt out about that thing? Like writing a fic? I got into cosplay. Or video editing. Or something else. And then I came back to writing. It was really fun to learn new things and to do multiple kinds of projects through the year!

The Zutara fandom thank you letter is at the end, so if you want to skip my ramblings, you can find the title below!

So anyway. Here goes!

Video editing:

It’s not that well-known on my Tumblr, but I have a Youtube channel! I made myself a video editing challenge back in January - and I crushed it! Back in 2019, I quit video editing for many months because I didn’t have the motivation to continue doing so. But then in December last year, I found a BUNCH of my old (and I mean, VERY old) videos I’d made as a kid. And it re-invigorated my love for video editing because I realized how far I’d come and that I wanted to do it more! So I told myself: one video a month. Twelve in one year. That’s it. Do that. And I ended up making TWENTY videos this year! I’m so proud of myself!

I even made MORE than twenty videos. A few of these just aren’t published. I made a few more “educational” videos because I’m considering making a brand new Youtube channel dedicated to History and pop culture! I don’t know if it’ll end up being… you know… a thing, but hey! Why not?

I also made some unpublished short edits for a possible Instagram account I’d like to create, too! All for Titanic. An example of those short videos can be found here! Again, I don’t know if that Instagram account will end up being… a thing… but I have faith!

Cosplay:

I got back into cosplay this year! And I learned new skills thanks to it! I learned how to work with EVA foam to create my own Blue Spirit mask (using this tutorial!). There’s a few projects currently on the backburner, but I’m sure I’ll come back to them eventually!

I also learned recently how to sew a pair of opera gloves (because haha, fuck you if you want to buy any that aren’t in size small!) for a Rose Dewitt-Bukater cosplay with my sewing machine I bought way back in like… March… but was honestly too afraid to use. But I did it! I pushed through my fear and I did it! I’ve been practicing more and more with my sewing machine as I repurpose old clothes for my cosplay. And it’s going great!

Writing:

I got back into fanfic! I hadn’t written ANYTHING fanfic related in a while, especially not multi-chapter fics. But this year, I finished THREE novel-length fanfictions. My fanfics The Prince’s Bride, my Star Wars/The Princess Bride AU, and Never Let Me Go, my Avatar: The Last Airbender/Titanic AU, are currently all published on AO3! I haven’t been much in the Star Wars fandom since writing The Prince’s Bride, but I did meet @stressedinadress with who I talk about Star Wars and anything in particular! Thank you for being my friend!

My other novel-length fic, All roads lead to Paris, a Miraculous Ladybug/A Monster in Paris/Ratatouille crossover fic is currently being uploaded every Wednesdays! I’ve also written a Titanic/The Great Gatsby crossover one-shot called Make it count; Meet me at the clock that had been living in my brain for years but I’d never had the guts to write it. But then I did!

I’m especially proud of Never Let Me Go. Not that I’m not proud of my other fics, but this one in particular has a very special place in my heart. It’s the longest story I’ve EVER written and made me love Titanic all over again. Zuko and Katara were the perfect characters to be cast as Jack and Rose. I got back into drawing entirely thanks to this fic. I’d been telling myself “I can’t draw to save my life” for YEARS but then I decided to try again and I’m much better than I was back then! I’m so humbled by all the comments, all the bookmarks, the kudos and the love this story has received. We’ve JUST REACHED 5000 HITS!! Before the end of the year!! That’s so AWESOME!!

I’m tentatively coming back to original fiction after writing a lot of fanfic, especially a Greek Mythology retelling (which is, you know, fanfiction but with stories that don’t have copyrights!). I think writing fanfiction really helped me figure out what I love about writing and has helped me tremendously in creating my own style and voice. It’s been an incredible journey and yes, my Greek Mythology retelling was inspired by a Zutara Greek Mythology AU! So you know, I’m staying on-brand! haha

I’m also currently working on another ATLA fic, heavily inspired by my “what I would have wanted for LOK” post you can find here. It’s going to be much, MUCH shorter than Never Let Me Go, but it’s already longer than Not Like Everyone Else, so I’m really happy with this one. A bunch of bite-sized chapters in the POVs of all these lovely characters after the War and my take on where they should have ended up - and the world.

Zutara:

And finally, but certainly not the least, I got back into the Zutara fandom and really contributed! I made metas I’m really proud of (like this one on Katara’s abandonment issues you can find here!). I wrote the aforementioned fanfic Never Let Me Go. I even made a video about Zutara after my latest rewatch of ATLA (you can watch ZUTARA | Zuko x Katara - BATTLESHIPS here!).

I also made friends along the way! @darkcrowprincess, @harharj, @angelsabloom and, more recently, @heavensweetheart. I wanted to thank you for putting up with my weird rants and obsessions! :)

We’re all such a lovely bunch and don’t worry, I’m not going anywhere! I want to thank, especially, @firelxdykatara, @antarcticasx, @my-bated-breath, @peartarts, @pineapple-frenzy and @hayleynfoster for your metas, fics, art, etc.! You’ve been making my 2020 better. This isn’t an exhaustive list, so if I’ve forgotten someone, I’m so sorry!

Also I hope everyone who have been harassed recently, like @babytreehugger, knows that we’re all standing behind you and supporting you.

This is a really special fandom indeed. It took me years before I could rewatch ATLA knowing Zutara wasn’t endgame, but even if it hurts that they’re not canon, we have countless fics, art, poems, animatics, even published authors whose books are basically Zutara AUs! As stated by those same authors! Isn’t that amazing?? WE HAVE A STAR!! WE HAVE A FRICKING STAR!!! Has anyone forgotten that??

And look. I’ve been, for the past few years, in the Star Wars fandom. I’ve been in many different fandoms over the years. It’s been… rough. But I’ve never seen such an encouraging, loving, compassionate fandom. I know it can be difficult outside of our fandom, especially with people fighting on Twitter and Instagram and even on Tumblr with people harassing others. But this fandom, fifteen years later, is so smart, so kind, so positive and so inspiring.

If you’ve been reading up ‘till now, thank you!

Also: You can do whatever you set your mind to! I believe in you! Go do the thing if you want to! And never forget to be kind to yourself.

Happy holidays! Let’s hope (fingers crossed!) that 2021 will be a better year.

thevictorianghost

#me #zutara #zuko #katara #motivation #happy holidays #year recap #i dont know how to tag this #2020 was a heck of a year #im glad its over #but it also wasnt all that bad #so i decided to post this

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makeste · 4 years

Note

Bnha is a little too irregular for me right now (covid is the worst :( ), so I started reading One Piece and it's like, soooo long. Got me thinking, how long do you think Bnha will be? Personally I think we're just before time skip and it will take, like 300-400 chapters to end? So manga would be 600-700 chapters long. I could be wrong of course. Thoughts?

One Piece is fucking awesome, and the beauty of it is that is is 12 million chapters long so it will take approximately 182 years to finish reading, and you are almost guaranteed to be entertained for the vast majority of that time lol. I actually took a break from it a little ways into the Wano arc (sometime in the middle of what would later become volume 92) because it was getting harder for me to keep up with the plot week by week, especially since I was really into BnHA fandom by that time. my plan was to binge it once Wano ends. however when I was looking at the list of chapters on Wikipedia just now I saw that Oda is only 11 chapters away from breaking the 1k mark, which is pretty awesome. so I might try to catch up in the next month or two in celebration of that milestone, because damn.

with BnHA though, my own guess for how long the series will be is actually a lot shorter than most estimates I’ve seen. first of all, full disclosure that I am definitely biased regarding the timeskip part, because I personally am not the biggest fan of BnHA timeskip theories, unless they’re really short timeskips like the 3-month one we got recently. the thing is, this is explicitly a manga about their time at UA. it’s in the title and everything lol. and I like that. I like reading about them as kids, little hero eggs gradually growing into little hero chicks who will eventually become big hero birbs, but not just yet. a lot of the story’s appeal for me comes from that. there’s a certain... I don’t necessarily want to say innocence, but idealism, maybe?, that’s associated with stories about young adults, and doesn’t always carry over into the stories about those same adults once they’ve grown up. and I want the story to keep that.

there are a lot of things about the current setting that I’m very attached to and don’t want to lose. I like that they’re kids, and that they’re full of potential but don’t always know what they’re doing, and they screw up and make mistakes and get in over their heads, and are dealing with all of their messy jumbled teenage emotions. I like that they’re living with each other in the fanfic dorms and seeing each other every day in their classes. I like that romance isn’t a big part of the series (though there’s still plenty of shipping fuel to go around). I like that we get to see them interacting with their parents and siblings and get to see those relationships. and most of all, I like that -- unlike almost every other young adult series I can think of -- BnHA acknowledges that they are just kids, and the adults by and large actually treat them as such. and yes, I’m even including the child soldiers arc here, because the decision to basically draft them into a war was handed down by the HPSC (an organization that likely has a history with child abuse from what we’ve seen). U.A. was against it, and tried their best to keep them away from the front lines, chilling out in the woods and helping with evacuations instead of fighting villains. contrast this with, say, a:tla, which I love, but which is very much one of those series filled with full-grown adults who are all “it’s up to this 12-year-old and his assorted 12-to-15-year-old friends to lead the battle to save the world lulz.” and this includes possibly the most beloved full-grown adult of all time, who nonetheless peaces out with an ironclad argument of “while it is true that the final villain is my actual brother, I’m still going to let the 12-year-old handle it because something something politics slash destiny.”

but anyways lol got sidetracked there. so steering this back on course now, I genuinely, truly love that in BnHA there are all these adults in the characters’ lives who are trying to keep them safe and nurture them and shield them from that extra burden of responsibility for as long as possible while they’re still learning. and so the kids have that extra safety net of support, which to me as a reader is just... comforting, I guess. like, I understand that it’s not going to last forever, but it’s reassuring to know that it exists for them for now. and I’m not in any hurry to say goodbye to that in favor of just tossing them out into tHE REAL WORLD!! lol. like omg no my babies.

anyway but so the point is that, with respect to everyone else’s theories, I personally don’t want a timeskip lol. and tbh I don’t really see the need for one either? if anything, we’re about to enter the most chaotic period in the entire manga once this arc ends. I’m assuming Tomura will survive this and escape somehow, the better to live and fight another day. and so if that’s the case, I feel like this would be the absolute weirdest time to do a timeskip, because how far ahead can we even jump lol. too far and we’d basically be coming back to an already-destroyed world lol whoops. basically I just don’t see how we can jump ahead more than a few months at the most, assuming that the threat of Tomura is going to be looming over everyone’s heads the entire time. plus we’d miss out on what I’m betting is going to be some of the most intense worldbuilding drama in the entire series, with our beloved characters potentially being swept up in like half a dozen political controversies. I sure don’t want to miss out on any of that. we didn’t wait so long to see this war play out only to skip out on the highly entertaining aftermath of it all.

anyway so that’s my as-usual-longer-than-necessary rant about timeskips. so now let’s talk about the series length. and here, I’m basically just basing my guess off of what Horikoshi has said in interviews. off the top of my head, there are three times he’s mentioned the ending of the series in interviews. first, there’s this interview, published in July 2018:

Interviewer: Previously in SUGOI JAPAN*, you mentioned that you would like Boku No Hero Academia to be a short and concise story and not drawn out, but what percentage of the story is complete at this point?

Horikoshi: When the decision to extend the series happened, I personally thought “I guess I want to end it here” and it was around Volume 30.

Interviewer: So then are you 2/3 done with the story?

Horikoshi: That’s what I had originally planned, but when I think of all the things that must be set up before getting into the last arc, I realized, “Ending the series at Volume 30 will be impossible” (laughs). However, the current arc that is going on all has purpose that will be relevant in the last arc.

*this is referencing a remark he made back at an awards ceremony back in March 2017.

second, we have this interview from August 2018, where he again mentions wanting to keep the story concise:

Do you know what the ending of My Hero Academia is? Do you think it'll be 80+ volumes like One Piece?

No, it won't be infinite – I don't have the stamina for it to be as long as One Piece. I'd like to keep it concise.

and lastly, this one which was published in December 2019:

What can you say about the future events of the manga?

I’m conscious of the end of the series, and writing towards that. I think the story will always be moving in big ways going forwards. My Hero Academia has a lot of characters, a lot of characters doing different things with different motivations, and the story is heading towards a conclusion where all of that comes together and heads towards the end.

my takeaways from these interviews are that (1) he originally planned for the story to be about 300 chapters long, (2) he’s had a clear idea of his overall endgame for a while now and has been steadily working towards that (as he put it in another interview, he knows all of the dots, but is still figuring out the lines to connect them all), and (3) he specifically said a couple years back that he did not want to write a long One Piece-length series, and his goal was to write a more concise story than that. Horikoshi’s pacing has always been much faster than Oda’s (or Kishimoto’s, or Kubo’s, etc.), and so I think it’s a realistic goal for him to wind up with a significantly shorter story in comparison.

my best guess is that BnHA won’t be much longer than 400 chapters, or a little over 40 volumes. he said back around chapter 180-something that he was nowhere close to being two-thirds of the way done. but it’s been two years since then, and if we haven’t reached at least the two-thirds mark by this point, I would honestly be very surprised. it would mean we’ve barely made any progress at all, and I don’t know about you, but the past few arcs have felt very purpose-driven to me. I think he has a pretty good idea of where he’s heading at this point, and that to me supports the idea of a shorter story than a lot of people have speculated. mind you, he might end up doing a sequel or something afterwards (although I kind of cringe thinking about all the ways we’ve seen that kind of thing go wrong in the past, ngl).

but as far as the series proper, yeah, I’d say 400 chapters is my best guess. ultimately I just hope he’s able to tell the story he wants to tell and gets as much time as he needs to do so, without feeling any pressure to then drag it on past that. knowing when to end your series is so underrated honestly. I have my fingers crossed that it’s a skill Horikoshi hopefully possesses.

#bnha #boku no hero academia #bnha meta #bnha spoilers #mha spoilers #makeste reads bnha #asks #long post #knowing when to end your posts is another underrated skill #which I do not possess lmao #bnha endgame

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heartbreaker-johnny · 4 years

Text

Kinkmas Party 1- Legs

A/N: sorry this is so late! December is a rough month for me and work got very stressful and I actually a few times had a mental breakdown so I’m trying my best. Also, this is probably the worst thing I’ve ever written so whoops🤷🏻‍♀️

Warning: smut, thigh riding, bad author

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You sat on the bed, watching as Seonghwa looked through his closet, trying to find the perfect outfit for tonight’s occasion. KQ was having a Christmas party and were allowing family and friends of staff to attend as well. It was a big deal for him since most of the company had never met you. Your relationship was kept pretty quiet, you really only spoke to the other members and his managers. He was excited to finally show you off, while you were a giant ball of nerves.

Your eyes followed down his back to the towel wrapped around his waist. The blue fabric clung to his hips, slightly lower than it should be. You could feel your own wetness starting to pool as you thought of taking the towel off him and spending the night in your bed instead of making small talk with strangers.

“You think this would look okay?” He asked, pulling out a hunter green turtleneck and turning to you.

You snapped out of your daze and blinked a few times before regaining your composure.

“Not the green one, it’s too typical, try the black one.” You said, voice slightly shaken.

“Stop staring at my ass.” He chuckled before turning back to the closet.

“Do we really have to go? I know they’re expecting us but, can’t you just tell them you’re sick or something? I wanna stay here with you.” You said to him, kicking your feet back and forth, trying to keep your gaze off him.

“You mean you wanna stay in bed with me and have me wreck you for hours.” You could hear the humor in his voice.

“Is that so bad?” You muttered.

He laughed again, setting the shirt down on a chair with the rest of his outfit and sat down next to you.

“Don’t you wanna see the boys? It’s been a while. They’ve been asking about you.” He said, brushing hair out of your eyes.

“Of course I do, I just....I feel like we haven’t had time together recently. You’ve been so busy and I understand and I’m not mad about it but, this is the first night we’ve had in weeks where you don’t have to be up early in the morning and we’re spending it at your company. I’ve missed you Hwa.” You pouted.

You knew it wasn’t exactly fair to complain about his work schedule since he had no control over it, but you had a point.

“I know and I’m sorry. I’ve been a bad boyfriend and I promise I’m going to make it up to you. Tomorrow we’ll spend the whole day together and I’ll make sure I get an extra day next week and I’ll take you out. You think you can put up with me being a bad boyfriend for one more night?” He asked, the sweetest smile on his lips.

“You’re not a bad boyfriend so stop saying that. Can we at least be late? I’ve really, really missed you.” You said, moving his towel away from his legs, exposing his thighs. You ran your fingers lightly over one, looking at him with the most seductive yet pouty face you could pull off.

“Baby we really don’t have time. San is picking us up and is already on his way.” He tried to persuade you.

“We can be quick.” You countered, your hand traveling higher up his thigh.

“You know I don’t like to half ass anything.” He said, earning another pout from you, making him chuckle. “Are you really that needy baby?”

You nodded, your own thighs pressing together.

His smile turned darker as he pulled his towel off, then pulled you onto his lap to straddle his right thigh. He tugged up the bottom of you dress to your waist, your core meeting his toned thigh, making you gasp.

“Will this do baby? If you ride my thigh, will that hold you over until I can get you home again and properly make love to you?” He asked, sweetly as if he were asking where you wanted to go on a date.

“Hwa,” You whimpered, grasping his shoulders for balance.

“Come on baby, we don’t have a lot of time and I don’t want you to be needy all night. Who knows who will take the chance to steal you.” He winked.

His placed his hands on your hips and started moving your hips slowly back and forth, trying to get you to move on your own. The friction felt incredible but you definitely needed more. You preferred his cock but you were more than fine with his thigh for the time being.

You leaned in and tried to kiss him but he leaned back, confusing the hell out of you.

“Don’t wanna mess up your lipstick baby. You spent an hour on your makeup and the least damage we can do to it, the better.”

As much as you wanted to kiss him, your heart melted at how considerate he was towards the art that was your makeup. He leaned in and pressed his lips to your neck, littering the skin there with kisses and small licks. He was careful not to leave any marks as much as he wanted to.

The love he was showing to your neck gave you the motivation to move faster on his thigh, finally allowing yourself to let the moans fall from your lips. Seonghwa flexed his thigh every now and then, squeezing your hips and ass, urging you to go faster.

“You’re such a good girl for me baby.” He groaned in your ear, you could feel his cock touching your leg, hard and aching to be touched. “How could I have left you untouched for so long? You deserve to be worshiped every second of every day. You’re an absolute goddess and I’m so lucky to have you.”

His words made you clench around nothing, the familiar feeling in your center starting to grow. Still this wasn’t enough for you. You reached over and took his cock in your hand and wasted no time in setting a fast pace. He hissed at the touch, his grip on you so hard he was sure to leave bruises.

“Baby, what are you doing?” He asked, not expecting you to touch him but definitely not upset by it.

“Want you to feel good too.” You panted. “Please, I need it.”

He groaned at your words, his head falling forward into the crook of your neck.

“Fuck, I don’t deserve you. You’re so damn good to me.” He moaned, pulling your hips along his thigh.

It wasn’t long before he was at the same point you were. The fire ball in your belly was about to explode and you knew that he could tell by the way you were moaning his name.

“Come on baby, cum for me. I need you to cum for me babygirl. Fuck...you’re so beautiful when you cum baby, let me see your pretty face.” He said, pulling back to look at you.

You focused solely on the movement on your hips and the sounds he was making and when he let out one particular moan, you cried you, your hips stilling and your vision blurring slightly.

You fell forward, clutching onto him for dear life, trying your best to catch your breath. You hadn’t noticed when it happened but at some point, your hand had stopped moving and was now covered in his own climax. You pulled back to look at him, his hair slightly disheveled and his lips red and swollen.

“Did I get any on your dress?” He asked, looking down at your hand.

You looked yourself over, thankfully it appeared everything had landed on his own thigh or your hand.

“No, we’re good. Is my makeup trashed?” You asked him.

He shook his head, wiping your hand off with his towel.

“Not even a smudge.” He smiled sweetly at you.

“Thank god for Urban Decay.” You muttered, rolling off him and on to the bed.

“You didn’t have to do that, you know.” He said, wiping himself off. “It was supposed to be all about you. I could have waited.”

“Knowing I make you feel good turns me on more than anything.” You confessed. “I could listen to the sounds you make for hours and finish just by looking at you.”

Seonghwa blushed and leaned down this time to actually kiss you on the lips.

“You’re an absolute angel and I don’t know what I would do without you.” He said. “Now go change your panties. You totally destroyed these pair.”

“Yes sir.” You winked, hoping the pet name might rile him up again.

#KinkmasParty2019 #seonghwa smut #seonghwa fluff #seonghwa fanfic #ateez smut #ateez scenarios #ateez seonghwa

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maximelebled · 3 years

Text

2019 & 2020

Hello everyone! So yeah, this yearly blog post is about three... four months late... it covers two years now.

I did have a lot of things written last year, last time, but the more things have changed, the more I’ve realized that a lot of things I talked about on here... were because I lacked enough of a social life to want to open up on here.

In a less awkwardly-phrased way, what I’m saying is, I was coping.

Not an easy thing to admit to in public by any means, but I reckon it’s the truth. Over the past two years, I’ve made more of an effort to build better & healthier friendships, dial back my social media usage a bit (number 1 coping strategy), not tie all my friendships to games I play, especially Dota (number 2 coping strategy), so that I could be more emotionally healthy overall.

Pictured: me looking a whole lot like @dril on the outside, although not so much on the inside. (Photo by my lovely partner.)

To some degree, I believe it’s important to be able to talk about yourself a bit more openly in a way that is generally not encouraged nor made easy on other social networks (looking at you, Twitter). I know that 2010-me would be scared to approach 2020-me; and it’s my hope that what I am writing here would not help him with that, but also help him become less of an insecure dweeb faster. 😉

Not that recent accomplishments have stopped me from being any less professionally anxious. Sometimes the impostor syndrome just morphs into... something else.

Anyway, what I’m getting at is, the first reason it took me until this year to finish last year’s post is because, with my shift in perspective, and these realizations about myself, I do want to keep a lot more things private... or rather, it’s that I don’t feel the need to share them anymore? And that made figuring out what to write a fair bit harder.

The other reason I didn’t write sooner is because, in 2018, I wrote my "year in review” post right before I became able to talk about my then-latest cool thing (my work on Valve’s 2018 True Sight documentary). So I then knew I’d have to bring it up in the 2019 post. But then, I was asked to work on the 2019 True Sight documentary, and I know it was going to air in late January 2020, so I was like, “okay, well, whatever, it, I’ll just write this yearly recap after that, so I don’t miss the coach this time”. So I just ended up delaying it again until I was like... “okay, whatever, I’ll just do both 2019 and 2020 in a single post.”

I think I can say I’ve had the privilege of a pretty good 2019, all things considered. And also of a decent 2020, given the circumstances. Overall, 2019 was a year of professional fulfillment; here’s a photo taken of me while I was managing the augmented reality system at The International 2019! (The $35 million dollar Dota 2 tournament that was held, this that year, in Shanghai.)

If I’d shown this to myself 10 years ago it would’ve blown my mind, so I guess things aren’t all that bad...!

I’ve brought up two health topics in these posts before: weight & sleep.

As for the first, the situation is still stable. If it is improving, it is doing so at a snail’s pace. But quite frankly, I haven’t put in enough effort into it overall. Even though I know my diet is way better than it was five or six years ago, I’ve only just really caught up with the “how it should have been the entire time” stage. It is a milestone... but not necessarily an impressive one. Learning to cook better things for myself has been very rewarding and fulfilling, though. It’s definitely what I’d recommend if you need to find a place to start.

As for sleep, throughout 2019, I continued living 25-hour days for the most part. There were a few weeks during which I slowed down the process, but it continued on going. Then, in late December of 2019, motivated by the knowledge that sleep is such a foundational pillar of your health, I figured I really needed to take things seriously, and I managed to go on a three month streak of mostly-stable sleep! (See the data above.)

Part of what helped was willingly stopping to use my desktop computer once it got too late in the day, avoiding Dota at the end of the day as much as possible, and anything exciting for that matter... and, as much as that sounds like the worst possible stereotype, trying to “listen to my body” and recognizing when I was letting stress and anxiety build up inside me, and taking a break or trying to relax.

Also, a pill of melatonin before going to bed; but even though it’s allegedly not a problem to take melatonin, I figured I should try to rely on it as little as possible.

Unfortunately, that “good sleep” streak was abruptly stopped by a flu-like illness... it might have been Covid-19. The symptoms somewhat matched up, but I was lucky: they were very mild. I fully recovered in just over a week. I coughed a bit, but not that much. If it really was that disease, then I got very lucky.

(Pictured: another photo by my lovely SO, somewhere in Auvergne.)

My sleep continued to drift back to its 25-hour rhythm, and I only started resuming these efforts towards the fall... mostly because living during the night felt like a better option with the summer heat (no AC here). I thought about doing that the other way (getting up at 3am instead of going to bed at 7am), and while it’d make more sense temperature-wise, that would have kept me awake when there were practically no people online, and I was trying to have a better social life then, even if had to be purely online due to the coronavirus, so... yeah.

I’ve been working from home since 2012! I also lived alone for a number of years since then. For the most part, it hasn’t been a great thing for my mental health. Having had a taste of what being in an office was like thanks to a couple weeks in the Valve offices, I had the goal of beginning to apply at a few places here and there in March/April. Then the pandemic hit, so those plans are dead in the water. I wanted 2020 to be the year in which I’d finally stop being fully remote, but those plans are now dead in the water.

Now, at the end of the year, I don’t really know if I want to apply at any places. There’s a small handful of studios whose work really resonates with me, creatively speaking, and whose working conditions seem to be alright, at least from what I hear... but, and I swear I’m saying this in the least braggy way possible... there’s very little that beats having been able to work on what I want, when I want, and how much I want.

This kind of freelance status can be pretty terrifying sometimes, but I’ve managed (with some luck, of course) to reach a safe balance, a point at which I’ve effectively got this luxury of being able to only really work on what I want, and never truly overwork myself (at least by the standards of most of the gaming industry). It’s a big privilege and I feel like it’d take a lot to give it up.

Besides the things I mentioned before, one thing I did that drastically improved my mental health was being introduced to a new lovely group of friends by my partner! I started playing Dungeons & Dragons with them, every weekend or so! And in the spirit of a rising tide lifting all boats, I managed to also give back to our lovely DM, by being a sort of “AM” (audio manager)... It’s been great having something to look forward to every week.

Something to look forward to... I’ve heard about the concept of “temporal anchors”. I had heard about how the reason our adult years suddenly pass by in a blur is because we now have more “time” that’s already in our brains, but now I’m more convinced that it’s because we’re going from a very school routine such as the one schools impose upon us, to, well... practically nothing.

I thought most of my years since 2011 have been a blur, but none have whooshed by like 2020 has, and I reckon part of that is because I’ve (obviously) gone out far far less, and most importantly there wasn’t The Big Summer Event That The International Is, the biggest yearly “temporal anchor” at my disposal. The anticipation and release of those energies made summer feel a fair bit longer... and this year, summer was very much a blur for me. In and out like the wind.

I guess besides that, I haven’t really had that much trouble with being locked down. I had years of training for that, after all. Doesn’t feel like I can complain. 😛

(Pictured: trip to Chicago in January of 2019... right when the polar vortex hit!)

Work was good in 2019, and sparser in 2020. Working with Valve again after the 2018 True Sight was a very exciting opportunity. At the time, in February of 2019, I was out with my partner on little holiday trips around my region, and, after night fell, on the way back, we decided to stop in a wide open field, on a tiny countryside path, away from the cities, to try and do some star-gazing, without light pollution getting in the way.

And it’s there and then that I received their message, while looking at the stars with my SO! The timing and location turned that into a very vivid memory...

I then got to spend a couple weeks in their offices in late April / early May. I was able to bring my partner along with me to Washington State, and we did some sightseeing on the weekends.

(Pictured: part of a weekend trip in Washington. This was a dried up lakebed.)

After that, I worked on the Void Spirit trailer in the lead to The International. In August, those couple weeks in Shanghai were intense. Having peeked behind the curtain and seen everything that goes into production really does give me a much deeper appreciation for all the work that goes unseen.

Then after that, in late 2019, there was my work on the yearly True Sight documentary, for the second time. In 2018, I’d been tasked with making just two animated sequences, and I was very nervous since that was my first time working directly with Valve; my work then was fairly “sober”, for lack of a better term.

(Pictured: view from my hotel room in Shanghai.)

For the 2019 edition, I had double the amount of sequences on my plate, and they were very trusting of me, which was very reassuring. I got to be more technically ambitious, I let my style shine through (you know... if it’s got all these gratuitous light beams, etc.), and it was real fun to work on.

At the premiere in Berlin, I was sitting in the middle of the room (in fact, you could spot me in the pre-show broadcast behind SirActionSlacks; unfortunately I had forgotten to bring textures for my shirt). Being in that spot when my shots started playing, and hearing people laughing and cheering at them... that’s an unforgettable memory. The last time I had experienced something like that was having my first Dota short film played at KeyArena in 2015, the laughter of the crowd echoing all around me... I was shaking in my seat. Just remembering it gets my heart pumping, man. It’s a really unique feeling.

So I’m pretty happy with how that work came out. I came out of it having learned quite a few new tricks too, born out of necessity from my technical ambitions. Stuff I intend to put to use again. I’m really glad that the team I worked with at Valve was so kind and great to work with. After the premiere, I received a few more compliments from them... and I did reply, “careful! You might give me enough confidence to apply!”, to which one of them replied, “you totally should, man.” But I still haven’t because I’m a massive idiot, haha. Well, I still haven’t because I don’t think I’m well-rounded enough yet. And also because, like I alluded to before, I think I’m in a pretty good situation as it is.

It’s not the first encouragements I had received from them, too; there had been a couple people from the Dota team who, at the end of my two week stay in the offices, while I was on my way out, told me I should try applying. But again, I didn’t apply because I’m a massive idiot.

(Pictured: view from the Valve offices.)

To be 200% frank, even though there’s been quite a few people who’ve followed my work throughout the years, comments on Reddit and YouTube, etc. who’ve all said things along the lines of “why aren’t you working for them ?”, well... it’s not something I ever really pursued. I know it’s a lot of people’s dream job, but I never saw it that way. I feel like, if it ever happened to me... sure, that could be cool! But I don’t know if it’s something I really want, or even that I should want?

And if you add “being unsure” to what I consider to be a lack of experience in certain things, well... I really don’t think I’d be a good candidate (yet?), and having seen how busy these people are on the inside, the last thing I want to do is waste their time with a bad application. That would be the most basic form of courtesy I can show to them.

Besides, Covid-19 makes applying to just about any job very hard, if not outright impossible right now. And for a while longer, I suspect.

(Pictured: the Tuilière & Sanadoire rocks.)

I’m still unhappy about the amount of “actual animation” I get to do overall since I like to work on just about every step of the process in my videos, but well. It’s getting better. One thing I am happy with though, is “solving problems”. And new challenges. Seeking the answers to them, and making myself be able to see those problems, alongside entire projects, from a more “holistic” way, that is to say, not missing the forest for the trees.

It’s hard to explain, and even just the use of the term “holistic” sounds like some kind of pompous cop-out... but looking back on how I handled projects 5 years ago vs. now, I see the differences in how I think about problems a lot. And to some extent I do have my time on Valve contracts to thank a LOT in helping me progress there.

Anyway, I’m currently working on a project that I’m very interested & creativefuly fulfilled by. But it has nothing to do with animation nor Dota, for a change! There are definitely at least two other Dota short films I want to make, though. We’ll see how that goes.

Happy new year & take care y’all.

#year in review

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ggukcangetit · 4 years

Text

Dreamcatchers Chap 2

Pairing: jungkook x oc

Synopsis: DI Jeon didn’t need a new partner. Unfortunately, his superiors felt otherwise; especially considering the extremely high-profile murder that had just taken place in the port city. Recent transfer, DI Choi Yuri finds herself confronted with a new cityscape, unfamiliar people, a hostile partner, and a homicide that is certain to bring back unpleasant memories.

Rating: NC-17

Genre/AU: fluff/action/mystery | detective! au | police!jungkook, police!oc

Word Count: 2k

Warnings: mentions of violence, alcohol, blood, drugs, death. basically stuff you’d associate with a murder mystery/crime drama.

Chapters: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5

Acknowledgement: shoutout to @stutterfly for designing this beautiful banner which i am completely in love with and stare at for no particular reason throughout the day

A/N: second chapter! i was planning to post a chapter each friday but got slightly delayed this week. reminding everyone that this story features a named oc because i’m still very unfamiliar with writing second person reader inserts. i’m not aiming for strict accuracy in this story, and all criminal investigation/forensics knowledge i have has been gathered by watching crime drama/procedural dramas! my knowledge of geography is also not totally accurate so apologies for that. once again, one thing right by @hobios prompted me to write a police inspector! jungkook story. would highly recommend reading that because it’s probably one of my most favorite pieces of writing!

17th December

Yuri walked into the station at 7 am the next day and found that it was surprisingly empty. She had brought a few small things to keep at her desk - a picture of her parents, a couple of pens, a small sticky notepad, and a mason jar filled with snacks. She smiled to herself as she recalled how her old colleagues always used to teased her about the mason jar.

“Good morning, DI Choi! Hope you’re settling in properly.” Seulgi came over with two cups of coffee and placed one in front of her.

“Oh, thank you! I forgot to get coffee on my way here,” Yuri replied with a smile. “And please, let’s not be so formal. Call me Yuri.”

“Alright then, Yuri, please call me Seulgi!”

Yuri was grateful to see a friendly face at the station. She hadn’t slept a wink the previous night, and had been dreading having to see Jeon in the morning.

“You’re here really early,” continued Seulgi. “I’m sure Chief Inspector Goh will be very impressed.”

“Ah no, it’s nothing like that.” Yuri brushed it off with a laugh. “We’re bringing in a witness today. I just wanted to orient myself with the station before we questioned him.”

“Oh? A witness?”

“Hmm.” Yuri swirled the contents of the cup in her hand, looking at it absentmindedly. “We couldn’t bring him in last night, unfortunately.”

“I see. Oh, before I forget,” said Seulgi, checking something on her phone. “The autopsy should be ready by this afternoon. That should hopefully help you a bit.”

“Perfect! I think we can start creating a proper timeline once we have the results.”

“I’ll leave you to it then, Yuri,” said Seulgi. “I have to get back to the lab.”

Yuri sighed and leaned her head back against the headrest of the station’s revolving chair. She recalled the interview with Mr. Kang the previous day; he hadn’t exactly been uncooperative, but something about his manner was odd. The absence of grief might not be indicative of guilt, but it definitely hinted at something lying underneath his polished words.

“DI Jeon? DI Choi?” Jisoo came over with an uncomfortable expression on her face. “We’ve brought in Mr. Park. He’s waiting in interview room #3.”

Yuri wondered why Jisoo looked so disturbed. Then again, she had only met the junior officer for the first time the previous day; she really didn’t know anything about her or her usual disposition.

“Don’t accept things from people for the sake of being polite.” Jeon brushed past her, the frown firmly embedded on her face.

“What?” Yuri quickly put her phone into her pocket and followed him.

“The coffee,” he said, as if self-explanatory.

“What about it?”

“You don’t like it. You aren’t going to drink it. But you’re still holding onto it because Seulgi gave it to you. Just dump it in the trash. We don’t have time for unnecessary courtesy, DI Choi. It’s a hindrance.”

Although his tone was hard and tinged with irritation, Yuri realised that Jeon was right. She had taken one sip of the coffee in front of Seulgi, but the truth was that she hated plain black coffee. Indeed, the last 15 minutes had been spent swirling the contents of the cup but never taking a sip. Yet, Jeon had noticed and somehow come to the right conclusion. Was she really so easy to read? A tiny bubble of annoyance began growing inside Yuri - what gave Jeon the right to comment on her choice of beverage, or anything for that matter!

Interview room #3 was the largest one in the station. Yuri walked in to find a young man leaning back in the uncomfortable metal chair, looking like he was the one in charge. His silvery blond hair was parted in the middle matching the cold hue of his grey eyes and the pallor of his porcelain white skin. Everything about him looked frosty except, Yuri realised, the reddish pink of his rather plump lips.

Jeon sat down across from him, flipping open a thin file. “Thank you for coming in, Mr. Park. W-”

“Now now,” interrupted Park Jimin, his voice more soft and high-pitched than Yuri had expected. “We’ve known each other far too long for formalities, Jeongguk. You’ve been to almost every one of my New Year’s Eve parties, remember?”

Jeon clenched his teeth, a muscle ticking in his cheek. “As I was saying-”

“But I don’t believe we’ve met.” Jimin turned towards Yuri, the right side of his lips twitching upwards slightly. “I’m Park Jimin.”

Suddenly, Yuri felt uneasy. There was something about the way Park Jimin was looking at her that made her stomach feel queasy.

“DI Choi,” she said, gulping down the bile that threatened to rise inside her. “Can you tell us what you were doing on the night of December 15th, Mr. Park?”

“I can,” he said, leaning back once again. “But whether I will, is another question.”

The thing about Park Jimin was that he was being incredibly transparent about his desire to hinder the investigation in any way. On top of that, his gaze kept flitting towards Yuri - a fact that Jeon seemed completely oblivious to - and lingering for the briefest of moments.

“I’m asking you again, Mr. Park,” said Yuri, placing her arms on the table. “What were you doing on the night of December 15th?”

“I really don’t think that’s any of your business. Unless,” he paused, his lips lifting into a smirk. “You’re interested in joining me afterwards for a drink.”

“This is a murder investigation, Mr. Park! Stop propositioning the investigating detective and answer the question!” Jeon slammed his fist down on the table, a vein throbbing along the side of his neck.

“A murder investigation, huh?” The silver haired man finally made eye contact with Jeon, his eyes no longer flippant and suggestive. “Finally getting down to the facts, aren’t we?”

The air had grown considerably more tense, and Yuri sensed that there was definitely something about Park Jimin that she hadn’t read in his files.

“Who?”

“What?” Jeon clenched the fist that remained stiff on the table.

“Who’s murder are you investigating, Jeongguk?”

The balance of power in the room had tipped in favor of Park Jimin when Jeon reluctantly opened his file and took out a picture. Sliding it towards the other man, he leaned back into his chair and waited for the latter to finish looking at it.

“Kang Eunwoo was found dead in his home yesterday. His father says you visited him the previous night and were possibly the last person to see him alive.”

“No.” Park Jimin pushed the picture back towards them. His body language had stiffened considerably.

“No?”

“I didn’t visit him. I haven’t seen Eunwoo since the Grand Fundraiser Gala held at the end of November.”

“Then you won’t mind telling us where you were that night,” Jeon asked, folding his arms across his chest.

“I’m afraid not.”

“You’re not going to tell us where you were on the night of 15th December?”

“That is correct.”

“I insist you provide a statement of your movements, Mr. Park,” said Yuri, frowning slightly. “Things could get very tricky for you otherwise.”

“I’ll take my chances.”

xxx

“How long can we detain him?” Suho asked Jeon, glancing worriedly at the door to interview room #3.

“24 hours max,” said Jeon, checking his phone. “Unless we come across something more concrete connecting him to the case. Just because he’s being an asshole, doesn’t necessarily mean he’s guilty.”

“Doesn’t mean he’s not,” added Suho, with a shrug.

“Have you checked his bank records? Credit card usage?” asked Yuri. “We could try and construct a timeline with that - find out his whereabouts, where he went, what he did.”

“On it!” replied Suho with a grin.

Jeon, on the other hand, didn’t look too thrilled. He sat at his desk, flipping through some files that were clearly not part of the current case - judging by how many of the pages were dog-eared and worn from repeated examination.

“Why isn’t Jimin providing an alibi?” Yuri asked, recalling the trainwreck of an interview they had just completed. Jeon didn’t answer; the rustling of pages the only indication of his presence.

“If the Kangs and Parks are such bitter rivals, it probably gives him a strong motive. If he didn’t have anything to do with Eunwoo’s death, why is he refusing to tell us where he was?”

Silence.

“Unless, of course, he did have something to do with the death.” Yuri got up from her chair and peered over the partition between her and Jeon’s desks. “Something about him shifted after he saw the picture of Eunwoo.”

Yuri frowned, as Jeon continued to ignore her. Walking over to his desk, she tapped him on the shoulder a few times before he reluctantly turned towards her.

“What’s your problem, Jeon?”

“Excuse me?”

“You heard me. You’ve been an absolute dick since I joined yesterday. I’d chalk it up to a personality defect, if it weren’t for the things that Ahreum told me. So I’m asking you again,” she said through gritted teeth. “What exactly is your problem?”

Jeon shut the file and slammed it on his desk. Standing up straight, he was almost a head taller than Yuri. His strong brows emphasizing the ire in his dark eyes.

“I don’t need a newbie coming in and telling me what to do, and messing up the system.”

“I am not a newbie...” Yuri barely managed to contain her anger. “I haven’t told you what to do! And I damn well haven’t messed with your fucking system!”

“You really have no idea about my fucking system, Choi.” Jeon glared at her.

At any other point, the unfortunate choice of word order would have made Yuri cringe. But she was too angry to consider any sleazy innuendos Jeon was trying to throw into their argument.

“I don’t care what Ahreum said about you. You’re a humongous asshole and if this was any other situation, I would’ve walked the fuck out of here! But as it stands, I will be working here. And I will be working on this case. If you continue making things difficult for me-” she picked up the file Jeon had been reading in favor of answering her questions- “I’m gonna drop this off at Goh’s desk. Then you can say goodbye to whatever the fuck it is that you’re so obsessed with!”

“Don’t you dare.” He was standing very close to her now, his jaw hardening aggressively. “If you so much as touch that file again-”

Jeon was interrupted by someone clearing their throat. Seulgi stood a few feet away, looking slightly alarmed at the scene unfolding in front of her.

“Is everything okay?” she asked, uncertainly.

“What do you want?” snapped Jeon, snatching the file away from Yuri.

“I have the autopsy report.” Her expression still remained concerned, but she handed the file over to him nonetheless. “COD is blunt force trauma to the back of the head. It’s most likely that he hit his head on the granite mantle above the fireplace. Death was instantaneous so he must have hit it with considerable force - not something I’d attribute to an accidental fall. Time of death estimated between midnight and 1 am.”

“He was hosting a party that night,” said Yuri. “There was definitely plenty of alcohol present. Was he very drunk?”

“I’d say there was enough to loosen his inhibitions considerably, but not enough to be completely pissed.”

“What about drugs?”

Jeon scoffed at Yuri’s continued questions, his eyes never leaving the autopsy report.

“Do you have something to say, Jeon?” asked Yuri, irritably.

Seulgi intervened before the argument could escalate once again. “No, there weren’t any drugs in his system. At least not the regular ones. I’d have to check specifically if we’re looking for rarer, less traceable ones.”

“Can we get the people who were present at the party to come in give us a blood sample?” asked Yuri. “Maybe Eunwoo didn’t do any drugs, but that doesn’t mean there weren’t any drugs at the party.”

“I can run the tests. Most of the drugs I tested for remain in a person’s blood for at least 2-3 days.”

Jeon returned the file to Seulgi. “There’s no need for that.”

“What?” Yuri snapped her head in his direction. “Why not?”

“You won’t find drugs being used at the Kang mansion.” He picked up his backpack and started walking towards the exit.

“Where are you going, Jeon?!” yelled Yuri.

“Home.”

xxx

lemme know how you liked the chapter!

#jungkook #jungkook x oc #jungkook fic #yoongi #seokjin #hoseok #namjoon #taehyung #jimin #bts fic #c me write bangtan #btsbookclub

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emilyofjane · 3 years

Text

Life Update (don’t worry, it’s a good one this time)

For those of you that have been following me for awhile, you might know that my personal life has been kinda...rough this year. But things have been going a lot better for me recently, and I have BIG news about my career path and my future as a whole.

But first, I need to provide some background:

As you all know, I’m a senior Biochemistry major in college, and I plan on graduating this December. Over the past year, however, I slowly began to realize that I’m...really not that good at my major. I’ve always kinda struggled in my science courses; I’ve never been able to make any higher than a B in any of my lectures, and the only labs that I earned an A in were my Capstone labs because my mentor is just really nice. When I started applying to grad school this past summer, I suddenly discovered that my major GPA (which is based only on my science courses and is separate from my overall GPA of 3.3) was well below 3.0 — too low to get accepted in any of the graduate programs I wanted to apply to.

The whole reason I became a Biochemistry major in the first place was to use it as a stepping-stone for my ultimate goal: to move on grad school and become a cancer researcher. So when I suddenly realized that I was guaranteed to be rejected from grad school no matter what, all of my plans for the future were suddenly turned upside-down. I felt like I had just wasted 4 1/2 years of my life working towards a degree that I didn’t even want; I was stuck in limbo with a mediocre undergraduate transcript that would never lead me to where I wanted to go in life. To make matters worse, I had taken out nearly $80K in student loans at this point, so I couldn’t just jump ship and switch majors, either. I was too far into my degree to turn back now, so I just felt stuck in a career path that I wasn’t even good at, let alone enjoyed.

My confidence took a nose dive after that, as did my motivation. It made me feel so incompetent to see everyone else breezing through my senior-level science courses while I struggled to get a C, that by the time my last semester started this fall, I sort of just...stopped trying. I didn’t see the point in putting in my best effort when I knew it was never going to be good enough anyway. I hit my lowest point in October, when I couldn’t even bring myself to log onto my Zoom lectures or pull up the slides to study. My grades plummeted beyond the point of salvaging, but when I finally broke down and told my mother about it, she refused to let me get a full medical withdrawal, basically forcing me to fail all of my classes and drop my already low GPA into oblivion. I truly felt like the world had set me up for failure, and that my entire future was ruined.

But then, as I was crying in bed and silently cursing out my mom for refusing to help me, I suddenly had an epiphany.

I’ve always loved to write and create, ever since I was a little kid. I remember writing stories in my notebooks in elementary school, which blossomed into writing short stories on Neopets, roleplaying and collab writing with my Deviantart mutuals in middle school, and eventually writing fanfiction on Tumblr and AO3. For the past few years, my catchphrase has always been “in a perfect world, I would’ve become a screenwriter instead of a scientist” because writing was my true passion, but my parents wanted me to pursue a practical career instead. You see, my parents are both business people, and their philosophy has always been “you have to make sacrifices to yourself and your family.” And I’ve always been a pretty smart kid — not a god-given genius like they thought I was when I was younger, but still very bright — and I’ve always thought that science was neat, particularly astronomy. That’s why I ultimately went into science instead of art; my parents convinced me that I could never make a living doing what I loved, and that I should become a scientist so I could support myself and my future family instead of “wasting my intelligence” on becoming a “starving artist.”

But if there’s one thing that they never took into account, it’s that I’m not like them. I’ve never really cared about money or material things in general — all I really need is food, caffeine, a roof over my head, a nice soft bed, my cat, and some wi-fi access, and I’m happy as a clam. I don’t care about going on regular vacations, or living in a fancy house with a pool in the back, or having a wardrobe full of cute and fancy clothes, or driving a nice car without bumps and scratches, or whatever the case may be; they never took into account that I don’t need any of that stuff to be happy, and I never have. And, even moreso, they never took into account that I’m not straight. They pushed the heteronormative narrative on me for so many years — that I was practically guaranteed to find my soulmate in college and get married and have kids or whatever — that I honestly believed them; it wasn’t until I actually got to college and discovered that I was aroace that I began to think otherwise. By my Junior year, I knew that I was never going to get married or have a family of my own, and frankly, I was perfectly okay with that. Besides, quarantine alone has been living proof that I’m perfectly content with living as a hermit by myself with my cat. Add these two factors together, and it becomes increasingly obvious that money is never going to be an issue with me; as long as I can pay the bills and support myself and my cat, that’s all I’ll ever need.

I realized all of this as I was sitting there in my bed, and it was at this point when I finally asked myself: did I really want to spend the rest of my life doing something that only made me miserable?

Once I realized this, something changed inside of me. I decided that I didn’t want to pursue science anymore, and I wanted to pursue my real dream of becoming a screenwriter in LA. And the very next morning, I marched straight to campus and met with every person I could think of to make it happen.

Now I’m planning to graduate with a Regents Bachelor of Arts in December, and I managed to drop all of those science courses I was failing in while keeping enough credits to maintain my student status. I haven’t reached the finish line yet — hell, I’ve literally just gotten started — but the important thing is that I got started. I finally feel like I have control over my own life again, and this is honestly the happiest and most optimistic I’ve felt about myself and my future in years.

Tl;dr I’ll always love and appreciate science, but I finally realize that I was never meant to be a scientist. My true calling is to be a writer, and that’s exactly what I’m going to be. I’m going to graduate with my Regents Bachelor of Arts this December, build up my resume and portfolio, save up enough money to move to California, and become a screenwriter for TV and movies in LA. It’s not going to be easy, and it’s not going to happen right away, but I’m not going to let that stop me from following my dreams — no, never again.

#ramblings #personal shit

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cee693 · 4 years

Text

Give us bread, Give us salt, Give us wine.

Cee693

@allaboutmybucks: Barry and Iris spending time together before impending Crisis. I think I'll make this request a two-parter with the next one being a tiny bit less angsty.

In the end, the true state of their feelings wouldn’t be found in in the grand gestures. It wasn't in the breakfasts that had started overflowing with his favorite foods since he’d returned from Earth-3. It wasn't in the luxurious trips around the world. Trips that had them both ignoring the fact that most of the places they went to were from a list they’d compiled two years ago as an Anniversary Bucket List.

It wasn't in the proclamations and declarations of undying love.

It was in the little things.

It was in the touches, the hand holding that was a bit too tight. A goodbye kiss that was a second too long. It was in Barry’s breath catching when some budget forms arrived on his desk at work. He was supposed to fill in his request for the next fiscal year. Which began December 10th, 2019.

It was in Iris hitting ‘unsubscribe’ after receiving her routine alert from her pharmacy to go in for her next three-month supply of birth control pills.

It was in Barry getting into the habit of putting on their record player and getting Iris to dance around the kitchen with him while he cooked them dinner.

It wasn’t something he normally did. They’d danced around their kitchen more times than they could count, but it was usually after dinner or in a spontaneous burst in the day.

Mostly, because Barry was mindful of keeping his wife away from any open flames or boiling pots.

Iris’s track record in the kitchen was… not great. That’s why Barry tried to always have dinner ready to go after work so there was no chance of her getting involved.

But, that week, Iris had come home from work and greeted Barry over the blare of the upbeat record spinning and he hurried to kiss her before twirling her in his arms and sliding her into his work space.

The first time it happened they'd laughed so hard and danced for so long, Iris had to tag in and help him finish cooking so that they could eat before midnight.

The following night, Iris came home to the same sight: Barry happy and singing to music. This time with a bottle of wine chilled and ready for her. Iris kissed him soundly because that glass was exactly what she needed after the day she had.

Unfortunately, their bottle opener was mysteriously vanished so Barry asked her season and baste the roast he had in the oven while he ran out and got a new one.

By the time he returned (suspiciously long for a speedster), dinner was finished and ready to be served.

The next few days were the same and the two of them settled into a nice little routine of cooking and dancing.

Iris didn’t know what brought on Barry’s sudden good mood, but she didn’t question it. She loved seeing Barry like this: all care-free and happy.

Since his trip to Earth-3, Barry took care to carve out time, just the two of them, but she really appreciated that this last week there was no sense of dread in their time together only joy.

And the fact that he was like this with an apron on, sleeves rolled up his forearms as he snuck her bites of food was also incredibly sexy.

She couldn’t resist one night pressing up against him and kissing him sensually. She meant for it to be a quick kiss, but Barry had her up on the counter in seconds.

“Wait,” she pulled back after several minutes of being carried away. “The food's gonna burn.”

Barry shook his head and kissed her again. “Chicken's still marinating. Trick is to add baking soda and let it sit. It tenderizes the meat." Of course he said that last part with extreme innuendo as he kissed the side of her neck.

She liked it when he talked food. As much as she called him a nerd, anytime he flexed his intelligence, it was a huge turn-on for her.

She said as much another night when he swayed them in time to Nat King Cole right in front of the oven. Iris mentioned that the warmth coming from it was divine and Barry whispered that the 375° was just about the perfect temperature for anything.

To Barry’s credit, it took her almost two weeks to realize what he was doing.

And at first it stopped her in her tracks and knocked the air from her lungs.

She’d gotten home from work early and had just texted Barry to let him know when the lightbulb just randomly went off.

She went over the last two weeks of dinnertime in her head and when her suspicion was confirmed she locked herself in her office and cried until the sun went down.

By the time Barry came home, she pulled herself together and dried her eyes, but she resolved to not step foot out her office until tonight’s meal was on the table ready to be eaten.

Iris heard the front door open and close, then the shower run for a few seconds before she heard him back in the kitchen rumbling around.

When Billie Holiday began wafting through the loft, Iris correctly anticipated Barry coming to her.

He knocked on her door and she sluggishly got up to let him in.

"Hey," Barry greeted happily as he entered her office. He leaned down and kissed her sweetly. "How was your day."

"It was fine," Iris responded delicately. "How was yours?"

“Eh. Long. I missed you. I picked up some chicken and shrimp for alfredo? That sound okay?”

“Sure. That's great thank you.”

"Want to come out?” He asked.

"No."

"We could pop open that bottle of red we got from the Uco Valley. Best in the world."

"No. Sorry, I'm busy,” Iris responded, half-heartedly holding up the first magazine she touched.

Barry deflated a little. “Iris. I haven't seen you all day.”

She sighed and felt a bit bad. "I guess I can work at the dining table."

Iris grabbed her laptop and a notebook and followed Barry out to the living room. She settled at the dining table and let him get to work in the kitchen.

Of course tonight, though, Barry seemed to be having a bit of trouble in the kitchen.

"Damn it," he muttered a third time. Pots clanked and there was a definite sound of something spilling on the floor.

Still, Iris resisted the urge to take pity on him and ask him what was wrong. She knew in reality it was nothing at all.

Barry was a terrible liar, but he always gave valiant performances.

"Hey, I'm sorry,” he called out to her minutes later. “I know you're busy but could you help me grab the cream in the fridge? My hands are full."

If she wasn’t so angry, Iris would have been a little disappointed that that was the best he could come up with. She thinks for that lie to be believable she's supposed to pretend that he's not the fastest man alive.

She sighed and stood up. "How much cream?"

Barry nodded to the ipad on the counter. "Recipe's over there."

Iris scowled a bit and peeked at the tablet before she went to the fridge and checked. "We're all out."

"Oh really?" Barry exclaimed, voice higher than normal. “Darn.”

Iris stifled an eye-roll at the bad acting.

"Well, we could make a substitute for cream. Could you grab some milk and some butter? Just measure out a fourth of butter and three-

Iris huffed in frustration and slammed the fridge door.

"-I know what you're doing, so just stop it," she demanded.

Barry blinked and halted his chopping. "What?"

"I know what you've been doing, Barry," she repeated. "Putting out music and wine and finding any way to pull me into the kitchen. Pretending that you can't literally do all of this by yourself in seconds. Whispering off little culinary facts in passing."

"You've been teaching me how to cook," she accused.

"What? No, I haven't!" Barry exclaimed. He tried to sound confused and offended, but he was turning really red.

"Yes, you have!" she fumed.

Tears pricked her eyes. "Why though? Do you want to make sure I don't burn the loft down when you're not around to cook anymore?"

Her voice broke and she looked down, trying hard not to break again. "Is this your way of trying to prepare me for a life of dinners alone?"

Barry put down his knife and turned off the stove. He sighed and rubbed his eyes.

"I just … I'm sorry. I just wanted to give you some pointers that I knew you would remember," he admitted guiltily.

Iris's chin quivered. "You manipulated me."

"I'm sorry," he said again sincerely.

"I knew you wouldn't want to learn if I told you why."

"Yeah, well you're right about that," Iris sniffed, upset. She went to the dining table to pack up her stuff.

"Iris, wait. Please. I just don't know what to do anymore," he told her desperately. "I'm just at a dead end."

Iris whipped around and glared at him for his very poor choice of words.

Barry sighed, frustrated with himself. He tried again "I'm sorry. I am. I know that this wasn't really fair to you. I just want… I need to know that you'll be okay after Crisis. And part of that is making sure you eat."

Iris turned back around to the table.

"That's not something you can control though is it?" she asked weakly, unwilling to face the look in his eyes. Unable to face the words he was saying.

She didn't want this.

She didn't want to talk about this or think about it and she was angry this was in fact what the last few nights have been about.

Happy memories now tainted by their morbid ulterior motive. Everything in their lives touched by this death sentence.

"I don't know what else I'm supposed to do," Barry whispered tearfully. "I… I can't think of you here alone not eating, or only getting by on takeout or tv dinners for one."

Nausea flooded her stomach at the thought. But, he wasn't wrong.

That was her future.

That's what life would be without her husband. Without a child.

Just her. Here alone. No one to break bread with. No one to come home to after a long day. No one with a glass of wine or a tray of brownies waiting for her.

Just solitude.

A sob ripped through her and Barry was at her side in an instant, pulling her close and profusely apologizing.

“I'm sorry, please don't cry,” he begged. “I made a mistake.”

Iris wrestled free from him. "As much as you feel that it's not a choice to die, when you do things like this it seems like it is. It seems calculated and thought-out and it feels like a choice you're making every day.”

“I didn’t want to do this. And it’s not fair that you planned this,” she said, upset. “It's out of your hands. You've accepted what the Monitor said and you’re leaving, but please, don’t try to tie up the loose ends Crisis is leaving behind into a nice little bow.”

“Iris, that’s not-”

She swallowed nausea and just left her stuff where they were. “-I’m going to bed. You should take your time cleaning up before you come upstairs.”

Barry took the hint to give her space and he let her go.

Iris took a long hot shower before she climbed into bed completely exhausted.

It was quiet now.

Ms. Holiday’s voice had ceased.

Iris heard the vague sound of a good bit of glass crashing somewhere downstairs and she was almost grateful for the sound of Barry’s anger.

After weeks of subdued acceptance, it was refreshing to hear signs of emotion in her husband.

And then it was quiet again.

She figured it was over an hour before Barry finally trudged up the stairs and into their bedroom. He creeped by her to the bathroom and she heard him brush his teeth and change for bed.

When he slid in beside her, Iris was still clearly wide awake.

She didn't turn around and Barry didn't expect her to.

He didn’t try to talk to her and Iris didn’t expect him to.

But, his arm slid around her waist at the exact moment she reached behind her to pull him close.

Because, regardless of if they had a choice or not, these were their last days together. And they would spend every one of them side by side.

Iris rocked back and forth in her chair at the Citizen berating herself again and again.

She felt like the biggest hypocrite. She was filled with so much anger and there was no one to be blamed for it. None of this was fair.

Her husband was selfless and good. Everything he did, he did with her in mind.

Barry had done nothing wrong two nights ago.

He certainly hadn't done anything she hadn't done in the past.

She had tried that a few times. Tried to get her affairs in order. Tried to leave instructions for Barry that she knew he would need after Savitar killed her.

After Kadabra's offer went unaccepted and Barry's trip to the future came up short, Iris had bought a label maker and went to town around the apartment, putting up little reminders and facts for her fiancé. Like the Wi-Fi password he could never remember and the best times to go to the farmer's market for the sweetest peaches.

And, though she kept it tucked under her side of the mattress, she'd even began keeping a notebook marking down which of her things should be donated to which charities.

She thought she'd done a good thing.

Thought she was making the future easier for him. Until she came home from work and found all her labels torn off and ripped up and the label maker and her secret notebook dumped in the trash.

When she confronted Barry about why he'd done that, she saw that he was very, very upset, but was trying hard to reel it in.

His voice was shaking when he told her that all of that wasn't necessary. If he needed the Wi-Fi password he would just ask her. And that they'd agreed to never let him go to the farmer's market alone again after the Peony Debacle.

He didn't even acknowledge the notebook. Just demanded that she never do anything like this again. And then he left the house and only returned several hours later.

Iris never wanted to look back on those dark, dark months leading up to her supposed murder. She never wanted to revisit the fucked up headspaces she and Barry were forced into for five months. Least of all with a twisted sense of longing. But, that's where she was now.

What happened three years ago and what was happening now are two sides of the same coin, but the way they were being handled couldn't be more different.

Back then there was fire.

There was anger.

There were slammed doors and passionate declarations of resistance.

There was unwavering belief in defiance and blood oaths of protection.

No matter what loop they were thrown, Barry never lost faith that she would somehow survive. Not one single moment. Not once in five long, grueling months.

And when Iris wavered, when she wasn't so sure herself, Barry shouldered her pain and he found faith enough for the both of them.

But, that was then.

Back when there were flames. Back when there was fight.

Now? Now it's just quiet.

Just unceasingly quiet.

It had only taken Barry two days to lose all hope. To accept complete defeat. To accept death.

Two. Days.

And she was pushed to do the same.

Well, the truth was that she didn't. She didn't accept his death. She never would.

But she couldn't fight fate. So where did that leave her?

In silence.

That's all there was now.

Barry's silence was submission, but hers was seething. It was storming. With no hope for an outlet. Because the hero had already accepted demise.

The silence was deafening. It was demoralizing. And now it was made even thicker by their argument.

Iris scoffed and sat up. If she couldn’t fight the world than she would put her energy into something she could control. There were victories still to be found in the everyday. And if that’s all she could have, she’d fight like hell to claim them.

Barry sighed miserably as he cleaned up and locked down his lab for the night.

As far as he knew, there were no pressing Flash duties at Star Labs so he could just go home. But, he didn't know if he should just yet. There was a chance Iris was still at work and he didn't want to hang around the quiet apartment without her there.

And if she was home already, he was hesitant to do the awkward dance they'd been doing the last few days.

It was a blend of having stilted conversation and clinging to each other.

It was exhausting. And it wouldn't sustain them much longer, but he couldn't find their way out.

Crisis was inevitable. It was coming.

And the two of them would never agree on what needed to be done.

No matter how much she bit her tongue, Barry knew how Iris truly felt about him accepting his destiny. That's why he knew he had to lie to try and prepare her for a small part of life without him there.

And she had every right to feel the way she did.

He was in her shoes not long ago. He'd never forget the feeling of that sucking hole in your chest when you're facing the death of your soulmate.

Barry rubbed his eyes roughly. He’d go home. There was no sense in avoiding Iris. No matter what storm they were facing, it would be together.

He locked the door to his lab just as his phone vibrated. He pulled it out and saw a message from Iris.

Meet me at Jitters when you’re off..

He was out CCPD and outside of the coffeehouse in seconds.

It was late. Jitters was already closed for the night and there was no one inside. Which made him apprehensive.

Why had Iris called him here? Was something wrong? Was she alright?

He phased through the doors and looked around.

It was pitch black, save for a dim light coming from the back. “Iris? Are you in here?”

Hurried steps came from the kitchen and he sighed in relief when he saw his wife come around to the front counter.

“Oh! Hey, I wasn’t expecting you so quickly. I thought you were still at work.”

“I packed up early,” he explained coming closer. “What’s up? Everything alright?”

She looked calm and in one piece. She was drying her hands on a small towel and when he got close enough he saw that she was wearing an apron.

“What are you doing?”

“Everything’s fine,” Iris assured. “I just thought these industrial grade stoves and fire system would be a safer bet than our kitchen.”

“Safer for what?” he wondered uneasily.

“I made us dinner,” she told him simply.

“You cooked? Dinner?” Barry repeated, dumbfounded. He didn’t know what he thought this meeting was about but it definitely wasn’t that.

Now that his attention was there, though, he did smell savory richness coming from the kitchens.

Iris nodded. “Yeah.”

Barry could see that she was still somewhat- not defensive, but on guard. Cautious.

He didn’t want to question if that meant she understood where he was coming from last week just in case that wasn’t the case.

“Wow. That’s- that’s really great! I’m sure it’s great. Thank you,” he smiled softly.

Iris gestured for him to grab a seat at the counter. “I didn’t think you’d be out of work so early, so there’s still a few minutes left until the food’s ready.”

“That’s no problem at all.”

Iris studied his face before she sighed and looked down.

She reached over and grabbed the bottle of wine she’d chilled and poured them each a tall glass.

It was the bottle of red they’d gotten from Argentina. It tasted like heaven. And, though it wouldn’t have a huge effect on Barry, it helped ease the tension in both of their shoulders.

“This is perfect,” Iris moaned as the hints of berry and clove slid down her throat.

“Good choice,” Barry agreed, impressed.

“Oh!” Iris suddenly remembered. “I almost forgot.”

She hurried to the back and returned with a large platter. “Some hors d'oeuvres. I made broiled oysters.”

Barry's brows shot up. “Did you really?”

Iris shrugged. "I think I was being spiteful making something so dramatic," she admitted. "The main course isn't nearly as fancy though."

She came around the counter with the large platter and set it down between them.

Barry lifted the lid and saw that she had in fact made oysters. And they smelled and looked amazing.

"This looks incredible," he complimented with wonder.

"Try one," Iris told him.

Barry only hesitated briefly (as great as it looked, he had been on the receiving end of the adventurous side of Iris's cooking many times before) before he slid a shell off the plate and downed it.

"Holy shit, that's amazing," he exclaimed in disbelief. He looked at her excitedly. "Iris, this is amazing!"

Iris's was still a bit standoffish, but as he thanked her and tried two more oysters, her shoulders loosened and the smile on her face widened.

"Thanks," she said genuinely as she shrugged. "It was no big deal, I just followed a recipe."

By the time the oven timer went off, Iris had settled into the seat beside him and the two of them took turns polishing off the seafood.

She spent a few minutes in the kitchen this time and when she came back she was holding a very large pot. "Okay. Full disclosure, this took a few tries but I eventually got the hang of it."

She carefully put down the sizzling pan and uncovered it dramatically.

Barry was hit with the mouthwatering sight of chicken and shrimp Alfredo.

Barry grinned widely. “That’s my girl.”

“And I used butter and milk cause, funnily enough, somehow a coffeehouse was completely out of cream,” she teased.

Barry chuckled heartily and Iris joined in and soon they were laughing hard at such a simple joke, letting the tension of the week melt away.

Eventually, they gathered themselves and Barry helped Iris dish out the pasta.

She waited with bated breath as he took his first bite and smiled with relief when he told her with complete and utter seriousness that it was the best bite of food he’s ever had in his entire life.

And Barry was sure all was forgiven when she took his fork and fed him the rest of his plate, sneaking bites herself and catching up with him on her day.

By the time they took their last bites, Barry felt warm and stuffed. “That was the best meal I’ve ever had,” he said contently. “Thank you.”

“Glad you liked it,” she smiled. “I guess I can tuck that recipe away for future use.”

The mood sobered up some at the reminder of the future. Iris sighed painfully and sipped the last of her wine.

Barry gently cupped her cheek and turned her back to him. “I’m really sorry about before. You know I was just trying to help. Right?”

“I know,” Iris promised. “It’s just that this is all really hard. It’s more than it just being food, Barry.”

Tears pricked her eyes. “I know I can't cook very well. I know that. And when it was just me I really didn’t care too much to learn. But, I’ve always liked trying. For you.”

He knew that was true. Iris always cooked for them at Joe’s more out of a sense of duty to pull her weight and ease the stress on her working, single father.

She never cooked for Eddie. Never once felt the desire to. She dated him for over a year. She'd lived with him for five months. But, she only ever tried to cook for him once. He'd gotten run down with the flu and after a few days she thought maybe she ought to make him chicken noodle soup. She got as far as almost slicing her thumb clean off chopping up some carrots before she threw everything out and grabbed a takeout menu.

But, after she and Barry started dating and then especially after they got married, Iris loved cooking all sorts of meals for him. They never ended well, but Barry was an expert at making Iris think otherwise.

Barry Allen was the only man who could ever make Iris West want to spend hours huddled over a hot stove or a skillet and read over complex recipes until her eyes crossed.

“After all we’ve been through. After this life we’ve only just started together, it’s just supposed to go back to it just being me at the table?” Iris cried. “I’m just supposed to do normal, mundane things like this as if half of me isn’t gone? You’ll be gone, Barry. Who cares if the I’m living off pork rinds and gum. What the hell difference does it make?”

Barry wiped her tears before wiping his own. “You have to care, Iris. Because if you don’t it will be that much easier to lose the purpose in everything. Food will seem pointless, but then so will washing your face and pretty soon getting out of bed will be too much of a hassle. And who needs to go into work when you’re the boss? I know, I know exactly what my life would’ve been like if you weren’t there after I lost my parents. I saw what my life was like in the future after Savitar. That can’t be your life.”

He shook his head and put his hand right over her heart. “Everything I have. Everything I love is right here. The choice to keep this beating is mine. But, I won’t be here to protect it anymore. To take care of it. That’s only your choice. It’s a choice you have to make. And choosing to keep going in spite of all the pain that’s coming will be the hardest decision you’ll make. It will hurt like hell, but you have to do it. And if something as tiny as making yourself a plate of food after a harsh day is what keeps you going so you don’t collapse or shut down, then you have to do that too. You will have to take care of yourself even when it’s the last thing you’ll want to do. Especially then. I just wanted to try to find a way to help you do that.”

Iris closed her eyes, tears fell harder.

She was wrong. She was wrong before. Barry’s acceptance was full of fight.

Her husband was still full of fire.

Iris nodded. “I will. I’ll try to take care of myself. And I’ll try to stay on top of my meals. I promise.”

Iris felt the desperation ease from his grip. Felt the tension melt away in his exhale.

“Three times a day?” he asked when they separated. He hoped for a positive answer, but had no expectations.

After all this time neither of them had any illusions about the cost of grief. She knew the reality of what she could offer him.

“Once per day is going to be pretty lucky I think,” Iris told him, smiling sadly.

Barry swallowed despair at that. It was the truth. Still he tried to bargain up. “Two times.”

Iris sighed.

“One full meal and a snack,” he amended.

“One full meal and a snack,” she compromised.

He kissed her then, sealing the accord in love.

“I love you,” he said softly when they pulled away.

“I love you,” Iris responded.

She rested her head on his shoulder and Barry wrapped his arms around her tight pulling her as close to him as their bodies would allow.

The feel of her heart beating against his side lulled him. It was always the thing that would keep him breathing.

Several minutes later, something caught his eye on one of the counters. “Did you make those?”

He pointed to a pile of cookies sitting high on an ornate glass plate. They didn’t look like anything Jitters sold.

“Oh wow, yeah. I forgot about dessert,” Iris chuckled.

Barry sped over and grabbed them, sliding back into his seat before Iris could notice. “Let’s try some then.”

“Ooh, baby I would not eat those cookies if I were you,” Iris warned seriously. “I don't think they turned out right.”

Barry waved off her doubts. "All of this was perfect. I'm sure they're fine."

He smelled the cookie then took a big bite to show her he wasn’t worried. But, as soon as the dessert touched his tongue, he regretted it.

His eyes reflexively bulged and he stopped chewing for a second before his sense kicked in and he made his usual sounds of content. "Mmm see?! Delicious!"

The cookies were burnt to a crisp on the underside, but somehow chewy in the middle. And he was certain Iris had mixed up her salt and sugar again, but he powered through and finished the whole thing.

He subtly tried to gasp for breath to clear the taste of ash from the back of his throat. He knew reaching for a drink would give him away so he smiled down at her instead and smacked his lips.

“Wow, gr-great stuff,” he prayed his eye didn’t twitched from the bitterness.

Fortunately it didn’t.

Unfortunately, Iris looked so pleased with his enjoyment that she offered him three more cookies, picking out the biggest ones she could find.

Barry ate them each with a smile, washing down the rancid taste with the joy on his wife’s face.

“Maybe I can do the cooking for the rest of the week,” Iris suggested as they walked home a few hours later.

Before dessert, from the delicious meal she’d prepared he would’ve readily agreed. This was what he had wanted in the first place.

But, the thought of those god-awful cookies made his stomach roll. Depending on what she decided to cook, he might very well not even make it to Crisis.

Still, he thought as he squeezed her hand and took in her eager smile, if that was how he went- at home eating his warm meal across from this woman who he loved more than life itself- it would be the greatest honor.

He grinned and nodded his head in agreement at the offer.

“That would be wonderful,” he said sincerely.

#Westallen #The Flash #Barry Allen #Iris West-Allen #Crisis on Infinite Earths

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ghostsofmemories · 4 years

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Problems I’ve Been Having With Writing // How I Plan To Fix Them

Before reading this post, consider checking out the Teespring Shop with designs by myself and my friend Alexx, where 100% of the proceeds are donated to the Black Lives Matter organization.

It’s no secret that lately, working on my novel has been a struggle. I used to be able to write entire books with 80k+ words at 14, and now I’m struggling just to hit 10k in a project I’ve been working on for 3 months.

Some of this could be attributed to COVID-19, my crazy school schedule (with thankfully is over now), and my job. However, my main issues are with motivation, self-confidence, and remembering how prose works after over a year of writing only poetry. I did this under a cut because, well, it’s long.

Problem 1 - Motivation, Mental Illness, & Activism

Finding motivation these days is more than just difficult. As someone with chronic illness and also OCD, the urge to do things only when I’m feeling up to them and the desire to have a daily schedule (with writing included) are always at war, and neither of them winning. It’s impossible for me to do the same amount of work every day or week, but also hard to cope with the lack of stability.

On top of that, I’ve been trying using my platforms on social media to promote, donate to, and educate myself on the Black Lives Matter movement. As someone who uses social media (especially Tumblr, with its tagging system) to organize my thoughts on, and hold myself accountable for my writing, it becomes really difficult to manage both activism and writing on my social media - especially when the movements going on are more significant than what I have to say about my WIP.

The solution to both of these problems, as difficult as they are to manage, is finding balance. For OCD and chronic illness, I’m trying to figure out which parts of the day I’m feeling the most energized and motivated so I can schedule my writing around those chunks of time - which I think fall between 10am and 12pm.

For balancing activism and personal social media stuff, it’s a little more difficult. So far, I’m thinking the best way to deal with it is to link my main contribution to the movement so far (mine and Alexx’s Teespring shop) to all the posts that might lean on the personal/writing side, and continuing to uplift Black voices when they come across my dash, and actively seek them out when I have the energy to do so.

By no means will these completely solve the problems, but hopefully they’ll help me find time and energy to write when I can.

Problem 2 - Self-Confidence

Every writer has issues with not believing in themselves from time to time, but lately mine have become overwhelming. This could have something to do with the fact that I can hardly get words down in the first place. My mind has been very stubborn in allowing me to come up with words that flow in a narrative way, and I usually spend a lot longer on one or two sentences than I’d like to.

Similar with that issue, almost all of the writing I read is by, well, adults. Many of the writers I follow on Tumblr are also adults. I’m a month from seventeen, but I’ve always been told that I act or present as a lot older, so I guess I always expected my fiction writing would be as aged and confident as posts like this, my essays for school, and the research I put together for my own purposes. While my writing quality might read as a little older or more skilled than a sixteen year old, it still feels like it’s lacking in quality and like I haven’t progressed at all since my last novel (which directly ties into the next point, but I’ll get there in a minute).

The only way to get over this issue is to write and not stop because I think it’s bad. I know that. It’s easier said than done, of course, but I think that with time and a lot of forcing myself through is going to help.

Problem 3 - The Super Long Break I Took/Poetry

The last time I finished a novel was in December of 2018, so I’ve taken a break that lasted well over a year. I was still writing during this time, but it was pretty much all poetry, besides a few attempts that never got past a few pages and a WIP intro post (sorry about that, everyone).

Basically, I’ve forgotten how to write prose and storylines. That can be re-learned, though, which is why I’m sticking to OITW even though I’m beginning to realize I don’t love writing fantasy as much as I used to (I will still very gladly read it, though).

There’s another problem that came with that one, though, which sort of ties into my issues with confidence in my writing:

Poetry comes easily to me. I hear some novelists talking about their short ventures into poetry and how they would spend forever on a poem and how difficult it was, but that’s not what poetry is like for me. I grew up with my mom, my aunt, and for a short time my great grandma who were all poets. I was always exposed to poetry and felt a deep connection to it, which makes it simple (most of the time) to write.

Plus, due to the internet and me being me, I was exposed to the art of slam poetry when I was 13 (it’s something I daydream about, but my insecurities surrounding my stammer kind of stop me there. Plus I live in the middle of nowhere). Poetry is everything to me.

So you can imagine it’s a little frustrating that I can bust out a contest-winning poem in three minutes but struggle to write 200 words a week when I’ve been writing novels longer. This has honestly been one of the hardest parts of writing OITW - it’s harder than I expected it to be. The words don’t flow like they used to.

Combating this issue, while it’s taken a blow to my confidence, has actually been a little easier than I thought. I have to make myself write, of course, that one’s kind of obvious. But the one that I missed for so long was reading.

I’ve been reading almost nothing for the past year, minus a book I got for Christmas that, surprise surprise, got me inspired to write again. My best friend talked me into reading Carry On by Rainbow Rowell and not only is it awesome, I read the 500+ page book in under 48 hours. I can’t remember the last time I read a book that quick.

I’ve also been slowly making my way through A History Of Wolves by Emily Fridlund, but I think I need to re-start it because when I first started reading it, I was working a full time job, doing 5 classes for school, and struggling with my physical health (more than I usually am).

Reading isn’t going to make my prose read like water or anything, and neither are any of these other “solutions”. However, despite being a lot more easily said than done, I feel like they’re going to help. And let’s be real, I need all the help I can get.

Want to check out that shop but don’t want to scroll for a million years to get to it? Here it is again! We’ve raised over $100 for BLM and plan to continue selling these designs for donation indefinitely, unless we specifically take them down (though I can’t think of any reason we’d do that).

#writing #writing tips #writing advice #struggles #mental illness #writing with mental illness #oitw #writing problems #writing positivity

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