#I look forward to learning more about Petra
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WHaBFHtLA - Astarion x GN!Reader - Chapter 13: And They Were Roommates
Pairing: Astarion x GN!Reader (Elf!Tav)
Genre: Reincarnation, Angst, Mystery, Slow burn
Rating: Explicit, 18+
Tags: Gender-Neutral Pronouns, POV Second Person, Canon-Typical Violence, references to past Astarion trauma, references to death and dying, lots of talking
WC: 8.4k words, 13/?? chapters
Summary: You and Astarion try to find a common ground between you. Things are awkward and tentative, and progress is anything but linear.
A/N: Prepare yourself for some big ol’ chapters going forward.
Ao3 | [Ch12][Ch14] | WHaBFHtLA Masterlist
After agreeing to stay with Astarion, you went from being veritable strangers to something closer to, well, roommates.
That first day, you had asked him where he’d like you to stay. After having overheard his distaste of you occupying your past-self’s room, you figured any other room would be preferable. However, he simply furrowed his brows, opened his mouth, closed his mouth. You saw him deliberating the various rooms in his mind before he ultimately said, “Stay in our old room for now. I suppose it makes the most sense.”
So you found yourself in the same familiar room, your bags back on the floor. You contemplated asking him for another room, considering the absolutely atrocious reverie you’d last had in this one, but decided to try once more before complaining.
It had been an awkward day already, and you weren't entirely sure what to do next. You'd arrived where you’d meant to be, but now what?
You contemplated speaking to Astarion some more, but the weight of the words you'd already spoken were too heavy to take on much more. You were exhausted, down to your bones, from tension, from tears shed, from the whirlwind of emotions that had swept you through the day. No, there will be time for more conversation tomorrow. For now, you needed to spend the rest of the day recharging.
So you spent that first night refamiliarizing yourself with Dal, as you'd silently sworn you would. Besides, after recalling her gratitude toward you, Petras's lingering questions, there is clearly a history you’ll need to learn more about.
When you’d last brushed up on your dreams, it was with a heavy focus on Astarion. You’d been eager to recall every detail about him and your journal entries with him were so enthusiastic that you didn’t pay much mind to those without him. Now you focused on rereading the entries regarding the vampire spawn.
What you relearned surprised you, and a few journal entries in particular seemed important in retrospect.
Hero’s Life - Entry 5753: No Astarion tonight. I did dream of the Underdark and Astarion’s siblings. Two of them, I think Dal and Leon, were busy setting up some defenses. I was helping the large one (Petra or Petras?) and the tiefling (Aurelia I believe) move some spawn from one location to another in a hurry. I think the other two, the gnome (Usen?) and the other blonde elf were already in hiding. From what I gather, Astarion was scouting around the fortress.
It seemed like a regular occurrence, being under attack. The whole process was very well orchestrated. The spawn siblings thanked me for my help, and I could feel my past-self’s worry. They seem to care a lot about Astarion’s family.
Hero’s Life - Entry 9816: Last night I didn’t dream of Astarion. I was a bit disappointed, but my former self was too focused to note his absence. They spoke to Dal, I think, of a project they’re working on together. The conversation was confusing, I think it was spoken in some kind of code. All I could really tell was that we’re searching for something and that Astarion is not being very helpful.
We looked over a set of diagrams for a while, I took some notes. Toward the end of the reverie we changed topics to the colony, and I have to say, running a vampire colony seems like a lot of work. The fortress is so unsafe, so easy to invade from any side. They were discussing plans for new renovations for a while – I wonder what they will settle on.
Other entries detailed working together with the spawn, setting up structures within their new society, and new rules. It was all quite informative, if a bit out of your depth of expertise. But more than anything, you wanted to know what Dal and your past-self were working on. Tomorrow, you assured yourself, I will simply speak to Astarion to learn more of this.
__
Here you are now, opening your eyes from an uneventful yet deeply unrestful reverie. You had sworn to speak to Astarion, but you weren’t aware at the time of how absolutely exhausted you would be come morning. Barely able to get up, you curse at the gods when you hear knocking on your door.
"Coming…" you say, voice echoing your weariness.
"Are you quite alright?" Astarion calls through the door. "Or were you lying about getting to know each other? Really, darling, there are better ways to get free lodging."
You give him an annoyed grunt as you open the door, and the gauntness of your face must be truly frightening given the way he looks at you.
"So you're not alright?" He asks, taking a small step back, as if your eyebags could be contagious.
"I'm just tired," you say, yawning. "I haven't managed to get a good reverie in three days. And I've barely made it by on rations, but I think I’ll need some real food soon." As if on cue, your stomach growls and you look down at it in betrayal.
After having gone without mortal food since your past-life's death, it's clear that the vampire’s mansion hasn't the means to feed you. Astarion waves a hand in the air in exasperation. "Can't you just, I don't know, conjure up some food?"
You give him an unbelieving stare. Surely this man, who's lived centuries more than you, can tell the differences between types of magic, right? When his face doesn't change, you clarify, "Er, no. That is exclusively holy magic. My magic is arcane. Has Gale never explained magic to you?"
He laughs, as if you've told a magnificent joke. When you don't reciprocate, he follows it with a snort, "Darling, surely you know the answer to that? If a Gale waxes poetically about magic and no one bothers to listen, did it ever really happen?"
What? I would love to listen to a great archmage like Gale speak about… oh. Many memories from your past-self click in that moment, and you realize that after decades of dreaming of him, you had started to see a lot of Astarion's behavior through the rose-colored glasses that were their affection. That perhaps your earlier memories, of his ridiculous, insane behavior, were not far off the mark. I see. It seems that I loved a man with nary a thought in his beautiful brain.
It makes sense. He's never once in your memories been the 'planner,' and in your time living together, your past-self had been the one at the desk, the one speaking with the spawn, the brains of the operation, so to speak.
It didn't bother you then, and it certainly doesn't bother you now, but it does change the way you approach this. "No matter. Just know that I can't conjure food. It seems like I'll need to go procure some.” You pause to consider your options. “Unless you have a means–”
“No,” he says, cutting you off before you can make a fool of yourself. "And I haven't the faintest where the nearest market might be at this point."
"I see," you say, breathing out a hearty sigh. "Would you happen to be able to help me find–"
"I'm afraid not, darling," he interjects again. "I don't have a sunlight ring currently, and even if I did, I'm not much interested in a field trip."
"Alright," you start, stifling another yawn. "But if that's the that case, how will you–"
"Get to know you? We have weeks. I'm in no rush so please feel free to tend to your bodily needs." He flashes you a wide, fanged smile.
Once was a coincidence, twice irks you, and three times? Well, you can't let three times go unacknowledged. "Why do you keep interrupting me?" you ask him, tone just shy of irritated.
"Oh, am I?" he asks, with a small little laugh. "I hadn't realized." The look he gives you then is full of actual chagrin, and you realize he may not have noticed.
"Yes, it's rather irritating," you say, resisting the urge to forgive him too easily. Between his laugh and his smile, you feel weak to his charms, wanting to slap yourself as much as you had your past-self.
"Well, I'll try to stop," he replies, a smile still somehow present on his face. That's when you notice it, tucked beneath the layers of carefully crafted morning cheer, a nigh imperceptible eye twitch. He's nervous. The thought of this hundreds-year-old vampire being nervous with you is rather… new.
So you find yourself averting your eyes, stowing the feeling away for later. For now, you accept his vow to stop with a mumbled, "Thank you."
You spend the rest of the day in search of a real, living person's food source. Fighting your exhaustion all the while, you stop by the nearby inn, grab a meal, get directions and stock up for the week at a distant market.
By the time you get back to the house, it's getting late and Astarion welcomes you back with an annoyed 'tch.'
"What a waste of a day, darling. I don't know how much longer you plan on staying up, but I'm quite tired by now." He gives a big, cat-like yawn and makes a show of stretching.
It's barely even half past six, and you can tell he's exaggerating, so you only respond, "It makes sense that the older you get the more beauty sleep you need, but I always presumed vampires were the exception to the rule."
He scoffs at you, but a wicked little smirk betrays how much he enjoys the jab. "So you do have some bite to you. Good to know."
"I don't think I could live through as much of my previous life as I did and not have some bite left over," you say with a small, satisfied smile. "After facing down horrors, otherworldly beings, literal devils– I’ve learned only from the best how to handle any situation.”
At the mention of your former life, Astarion's own smirk slips some. He clears his throat and responds, "Right. That makes… sense.” He bounces between his feet uncertainly before continuing, “Well, if you need anything else, within reason, you can find me in my room. Goodnight, darling." With that, he turns heel and practically runs away from you.
Well, you think to yourself. That wasn’t ideal. Maybe it was a bit too much? You make a mental note to be careful with your past, maybe not mention it so casually– at least not until he's ready.
You’d forgotten to mention that the room had been ruining your reveries, and he’s too long gone to ask for a replacement. Hopefully you’ll get used to the uncomfortable memories with time.
That night your meditation comes easier, your rest is less interrupted. You dream of a life where you had been a chef. Perhaps for the first time in your current lifetime, this life's dreams will matter for your survival.
__
The next day begins on a far better foot.
Now that you have ingredients, a set of plates and silverware to use, even a pot and pan on which to cook, you happily follow Astarion to the kitchen for breakfast. You wonder briefly if he’d appreciate another offer of blood, but decide against it for now– your memories have warned you enough about this and you don’t want your new relationship tainted by how transactional blood drinking can be for vampires.
Instead, you settle into the kitchen to cook a simple breakfast of eggs and bacon while Astarion sits at his kitchen table, watching.
After a few minutes of a silence that doesn’t quite hit comfortable, Astarion speaks up. "How did you know where to find me the other day?" He asks genuinely. "In your past life, we hadn't built the tunnel to the Underdark yet."
"Oh," you say, recalling your adventures throughout his house as you stir your eggs. You contemplate lying, but decide that there's no use in starting off on that foot. The rough path of honesty it is. "I actually went, erm, looking about. I likely searched most of the house before stumbling upon the illusory wall."
"You're quite the investigator aren't you?" He asks, and there's a note of concern in his voice.
You wonder why that could be, but when you look up to see him genuinely curious for an answer, you can’t help but respond. "You could say that. I love a good puzzle." You shrug and take your eggs off the stove.
"I see." He says, a far off look glazing over his eyes. "How did you manage to find the fake wall?"
"Rhapsody gave it away," you say, recalling the dagger's dive onto the floor.
Astarion clicks his tongue, annoyed. "Ah yes, that old thing. I wish I could get rid of it, its odd shape makes it prone to falling. But I can't."
"You can't?" His firm stance on it tickles the back of your mind, as if a memory is begging to burst forth. Sitting down with your plate of eggs and bacon, you search his hard red eyes for answers before beginning your meal.
"Oh not for any sentimental reasons," he says. "Don't you mind that though. What shall we get up to today?”
The part of your brain that feels close to something– something important– wants to press, but you recall how he ran away from you yesterday. You know he likely isn’t any more prepared today than he was then, so you decide to tuck it aside for later. “Well, I was wondering when we might have a chance to speak to the spawn again?” You begin, listlessly moving your eggs about your plate as you speak. “I was rereading my dreams with Dal and–”
Astarion makes a show of rolling his eyes at you before interrupting. “I’m not interested in rehashing the past, as I’ve said. Your dreams are just that– the past. What should we do today?”
You pause your fork halfway to your mouth to respond. “But the spawn seem to be a big part of your life, are they not?”
“Of course they are, but they’re only a part of it.” He folds his hands together in front of him on the table and stares you down. “If I knew you’d be so interested in them and not me, I wouldn’t have suggested this.”
Gulping down a bite of food, you take a moment to process his words. As much as Dal’s remarks burn in your mind and your memories with her seem to taunt you from the bag at your hip, you know that that’s not really why you’re here. It’s just another puzzle that’s tantalizing you, one you deeply wish to uncover, but also one that seems to run contrary to everything Astarion hopes for.
That bothers you. After all, he was nothing but a helpful brother down in the Underdark. But clearly a line between him and the spawn has been drawn somewhere– you’ll have to toe it until you get more concrete answers. “Sorry, curiosity got the better of me,” you finally reply, smiling at him apologetically. “In that case, I’m really quite amenable to anything you’d like to do. Any hobbies we would be able to do together?”
Astarion seems to visibly calm when you drop the subject of the spawn. “Ah yes, that should be a good place to start. I quite like reading, embroidery, I even do the odd whittling after that damned druid taught us. I have also found myself to be fairly adept at crafting scents.”
You nod as he lists, familiar with many of these hobbies from your memories. Chewing on a piece of bacon, you motion for him to continue with a hand wave.
He looks at you appraisingly for a second before saying, “Well if you insist on hearing more about me and my hobbies, who am I to refuse.” You’d always thought he seemed relieved to finally open up to your past-self, and the way he speaks seems to confirm your suspicions. “When I have the chance to enjoy the sun, I tend to make a day of it, go to Baldur’s Gate, enjoy the sights, ‘acquire’ myself some materials– sometimes I even find myself a meal in the form of some ruffian.”
“How often do you get to enjoy the sun?” you ask, voice a bit cautious as you’re certain this must be a sore spot for him.
Surprisingly, Astarion seems unperturbed by this particular line of investigation. “About once a month. Maybe once every couple– it really depends on how pressing any of my business is in Baldur’s Gate.” Then, likely noticing the sad tilt of your eyebrows, he shakes a finger at you. “Don’t be so… needlessly sympathetic. There are a lot of spawn and, while I may get priority for a sunlight ring on account of my previous heroics, 6000 spawn sharing a limited number of rings means I can’t afford to be selfish.”
You chew another bite of bacon as you contemplate his words. He says he doesn’t believe in love anymore, that he’s not the same man, but from that statement alone, you know your past-self has left a considerable mark. You decide not to point this fact out to him and instead ask another question, “In that case, how many rings do you have among you?”
“I’d say we’re somewhere around a hundred?” he answers, placing a finger on his chin as he thinks. “Dal would know best. But Gale sends us one every once in a while, sometimes they get lost, so the number changes. They’re not impossible to make, but they take time and a highly skilled archmage.”
“Is that why you’ve stayed friends with Gale all these years?” you ask, a teasing tone in your voice that you find comes naturally.
Astarion laughs, and it’s one of his now rare, real laughs. You can recognize the sound from your memories. “Was I that obvious?”
You can’t help but laugh along with him, an odd happiness bubbling in your chest alongside the laughter. Is this our first real, shared laugh? you think. Externally, you reply, “I’d say so. Though you do keep him quite busy,” you pause, gesturing back toward his room with a piece of bacon. “Were those illusions all his work as well?”
The vampire in front of you looks at you thoughtfully again, and more than anything you wish you could read his mind. He responds with, “Of course. He’s a master of illusions. Taught it for at least a century.” Then, abruptly, he adds, “I don't remember you being this intelligent. It’s quite irksome.”
The way he says it isn’t meant to be insulting, but you can’t help but feel a bit defensive at the statement. He states it as if being smarter is some kind of crime. “I wasn’t, to my recollection,” you start, all of your previous amusement dropping from your expression. “I’m afraid I can't help it though. If it’s an issue, you’ll have to take it up with my parents.”
“Parents?” he asks, somewhat incredulously. “You have… those?”
It’s almost as if it’s a foreign concept to the man. You suppose it must be, considering that he hasn’t had his own in centuries, and your previous self had long since lost their parents when they met. “Yes, Astarion,” you say, adopting a patient tone. “Parents, as in those who raised me, cared for me. They know all about you, you know.”
Astarion doesn’t seem to enjoy that particular fact. “Oh, do they?” The man scoots out a bit from his chair. “That’s quite interesting. And are they expecting you back anytime soon?”
You shrug, honestly not sure what your parents expect. “No, but I was going to cast a quick Sending spell to them before too long. It’s my first big trip, so I’m sure they’d like an update.”
Again, you’ve said something that’s made Astarion uncomfortable, reminded him that you’re both worlds away from each other in a way that may be impossible to surmount. You can practically see the excuses lining up behind his lips as he scoots another inch back. “You don’t say? Well, it would hardly do to keep them waiting, would it?” Before you can respond, he stands up in a single movement. “I shall leave you to it then? Of course, you know where to find me.”
He’s gone before you can contest him, and you’re left alone with the last remnants of your breakfast. “Great. So no past-life memories, no mentions of the spawn, and no mentions of my own life,” you speak down to the eggs on your plate. “What can I talk to him about without him running away?”
Once you finish breakfast, you do end up sending a message to your parents. It’s a short message, well within your 25-word limit, “I’m safe at Astarion’s. Will be here until the end of the month. Love you.”
You receive a message back a moment later from your mother, “Thank the gods. Keep us updated, and don’t forget that it’s not illegal to cast in self-defense. Love you too.”
Afterward, you seek Astarion out again, only to find that he’s sequestered himself in the bath. He stays there until dark and leaves as soon as he gets out with the excuse, “I need to find something to feed on. I shall see you tomorrow.”
You watch him leave with an annoyed expression on your face. You can’t very well force him to interact with you, but it feels like he’s not even trying to confront the pain he’d claimed to be so willing to face.
That night you dream of a life in which you were a warrior. This life’s reveries were always a bit dull for you, but tonight you welcome their training and discipline. You maintain the dream and feel a full night’s rest for the first time in days.
__
The following day, the fourth day that you’re spending in his house since your agreement, you decide to forgo breakfast. You wake up energetic and rested so you decide to confront Astarion right as he leaves his room.
“Morning,” you say, a bright and casual smile plastered on your face. Doing your best to hide the fear you feel, the nerves that stand on edge, you begin your new strategy: figuring out what you can about Dal and the spawn before he up and leaves.
“Oh hello,” he says, eyebrows furrowed a bit in concern. While he does seem to believe you are his reincarnated love, he continues to be incredibly wary of you, defenses raised high after more than a century alone. It shows in his crossed arms, the way he took a single step back before continuing, “What brings you to my door so eagerly this morning?”
“I was just getting an early start after entering my reverie early yesterday,” you say, continuing the cheer that you did not remotely feel. “I was also hoping to start the day by asking you some questions.”
“Again?” he asks, and his entire body wavers in the doorway of his room.
You’re worried he’s about to step back into the room so you hold out a hand: a silent invitation to take it. “Perhaps we can go on a walk about the house as we talk?”
Astarion declines without as much of a second glance at it, simply leaning into the doorway. “Ask your questions then, be quick about it.”
You take a second to take stock of him, to see if his pallor has improved after feeding. He seems exactly the same as the day before, only dressed in a different immaculate, silken garment. You wonder if he lied about where he went, but decide against wasting your questions on that– perhaps your dreams simply haven’t gotten you used to the nuances of vampires. Instead you start bluntly, “Your siblings acted quite strangely toward me. Why was that?”
His expression betrays nothing, his face implacable as he responds, “I’m afraid I’m not Dal or Petras, so I can’t provide you with a satisfying answer.”
It’s not much to go off of, but you’re ready with your next question already. “It seems that I was rather closer to the spawn than I had previously thought. What was my relationship with them in my past-life?”
Now his facade cracks a bit, eyes narrowing with something you can’t quite place. “You were close,” is all that he provides.
“Close doesn’t seem to describe it all,” you say, stepping closer, growing bold with the fracture in his mask. “Dal was thankful for my return. What was she thankful for?”
He seems to want to step back, to retreat into his room, and you know you’re dangerously close to losing him again. His next words are more than a bit dodgy. “Likely for your wonderful presence back in her life. Though she likely wouldn’t have said that if she knew how forward you are in the mornings.”
You take his dig as an opening. “I’m only forward because I know how excited they were to see me. Petras said I would be able to help. I can't help until I know what they need help with.”
Astarion sighs, relenting infinitesimally to your badgering as he says, “Their minds are filled with delusions of… well, nothing of importance.”
“Delusions of what?”
“Nothing,” he says through gritted teeth. “And if you continue to bother me, consider this conversation over.”
You want to push more, follow with a chiding ‘Astarion’, like your past-self may have done. But you’re finding yourself wary, the tenuous bond you’re building is as brittle as an old piece of parchment. So you yield for now. “Alright. My apologies for prying. What would you like to do today then?”
The vampire noticeably regains his composure, and offers you a simple exercise for the day, “Shall we share some books we like?”
It’s no hard hitting truths or delving into secrets of the past, but you spend a better part of the day in the library with Astarion. He points out some of his favorites, which you note for your own reading leisure, and you share some of your own. While some of his interests are a bit out of your particular purview, your tastes are not dissimilar. You read more history than he does, he reads more thrillers, you both enjoy a good adventure book.
Overall, the day doesn’t end with him running away from you, so you chalk it up as a win.
That night, you dream of a past life where you were an innkeeper in a remote village. It came with plenty of downtime, and you spend the reverie reading a riveting tale of dragons and conquests. You try to recall every detail you can so that you can relay the story to Astarion come morning.
__
The next day, you decide to take the same approach: Start out strong, and see where that takes you for the rest of the day.
Again, he seems surprised to find you right outside his doorway. “My, aren’t you an impatient one. An early rise once again?”
You nod, smiling another winning smile. “I have more questions for you.”
“Fine,” he says reluctantly, leaning on the door frame once more. “What are you plaguing me with today?”
After yesterday’s somewhat success, you decide to push a bit more on your past-self today. “So, the Hero’s Life is quite fascinating to me…”
“The what?” he all but chokes out. A laugh resembling a cough comes out next and Astarion continues with, “They wouldn’t have liked it being called that.”
“Sorry, it’s something of a shorthand for me,” you say, sheepishly. You realize that you’ve slipped up, but all the same you feel the need to find clarity, “But they were recognized as a hero, weren't they?”
Astarion seems loath to agree with that statement. Rather than answering you directly, he says, “They were a leader.” He shakes his head, thinking better of his statement. “No. They were… something special.”
The far-off tone to his voice indicates that you might be losing him. You hadn’t intended the conversation to go this way. Truth be told, you’d wanted his help to fill out some of the gaps of your knowledge. It seems like you won’t get much further with this line of thought today though, so you decide to move on for the day, “That they were. What should we do today?”
Almost startled out of his thoughts, the vampire turns to you, seeing you again as the mist clears. “Ah, yes, today. I do have some business to attend to. The colony simply can’t run on its own.” You nod, recalling some of the planning from his conversation with Dal and your own memories. “Would you– well, perhaps it’s too dull. Then again…” He gives you a quick once over. “Considering what you find interesting, you may even find it entertaining. Would you care to join me?”
That’s how you spend the rest of the day next to Astarion’s desk, pouring over papers and familiarizing yourself with the logistics of the colony. You learn about their shipping schedules, their attempts to get blood in the underground markets of Baldur’s Gate, their repair and maintenance plans. For anyone else, it may very well have been boring, but you find yourself enraptured, sharing suggestions with Astarion easily.
In the evening, you hear knocking on the front doors. You can tell by his expression that Astarion knows immediately who it might be. “Ignore them,” he says. “I’ve already fed this week and the spawn are in a decent state. Better that they think no one is home.”
You decide not to mention the fact that the lights are clearly on in his house and nod in agreement. As you both get back to work, you wonder how often he rejects visitors– or perhaps if he’s rejecting them because he’s enjoying spending time with you. You decide not to let your pathetic little heart get ahead of your brain and settle on asking him next time someone comes calling.
By the end of the day, you almost feel like business partners, and, considering all of the sensitive information he’s shared with you, you certainly feel like he trusts you. It warms you so entirely that you’re surprised to find yourself crawling into bed with a smile. You can’t remember the last time that happened.
That night you dream of the Hero’s Life once more. Perhaps it was spending so much time in close quarters with Astarion, but the reverie is spent almost entirely in his arms. You talk of an upcoming adventure, make plans to pack the necessary supplies, unfurl a map of the Underdark as you discuss. The whole time his arms are wrapped around you, he’s placing delicate kisses along your neck, he nips at your sensitive pointed ears–it’s not long before all of the planning is pushed aside and he’s pressing you into the desk, his hands quick at work to undress you.
The night is restful, but you wake up a bit embarrassed now that you’ve gotten to know the man.
__
For your sixth day at the mansion, you try once more to press about the Hero’s Life. This time, you prepare your words a bit more carefully, hoping to avoid the pitfalls of the day before.
“Hello and good morning Astarion!” you say, walking up to his waiting form. He’s clearly caught on to your game, because this time he’s standing outside the door, arms crossed, leaning on the frame.
“Good morning to you too, darling,” he responds, a tight smile on his lips. “What do you plan on asking about today?”
No beating around the bush, not that you mind. After some consideration on what words might not trigger an immediate flight response, you offer him your carefully worded question. “Would you please tell me a bit more about my past-self?”
Astarion seems to take the question in stride, offering no immediate reaction. In the end, his response is short and stern, “No, I don’t particularly care to.”
You had expected such a response, and, more than anything, you’re just glad he hasn’t up and left yet. So you move on to your next question. “What about reading the journals of my past dreams? I could use some assistance on fleshing out the details.”
Again, he doesn’t flinch, he doesn’t even hesitate when he says, “No.” Then as an afterthought he adds, “Thank you for the offer, though.”
You’ve tried being kind and patient, and, while you understand he doesn’t wish to rehash centuries of past pain, you refuse to accept two days with no real progress. As a result, you decide it’s alright to be the impatient young elf you truly are, even if just for a moment, “Then why did you invite me here? You seem uninterested in my memories, uninterested in discussing my past-self or their relationships, mentions of my life in Neverwinter bother you too. What are you interested in?”
Astarion sighs, likely having expected this line of questioning sooner or later– also likely annoyed that it came sooner. “Forget the past, it’s dead and buried now,” he says, pushing himself off the doorframe and beginning to walk toward the kitchen. “I’m rather enjoying getting to know someone new for the first time in… however many years. Let’s just keep doing that.”
You want to argue with him, explain to him that there’s no way of actually moving on until he confronts the hurt that’s settled around his heart like an impenetrable armor. But you’d already been so afraid of causing more pain, how can you justify reopening those old wounds? So you follow him to the kitchen, resigned to another day without genuine progress.
Turning back for a moment he does offer you a lifeline. “If you have something specific you’d like to ask about, I may be willing to entertain it. But I expect you to take no for an answer when you inevitably ruin my day.”
With the way he’s turned toward you, you can’t see most of his face and his voice remains placid throughout it all. You think he’s being genuine though, so you respond, “Okay, then. One question at a time. Thank you, Astarion.”
He gives you a noncommittal hum at that, and waves you along. “Come on, if you don’t have breakfast again, you’ll be cranky by midday.”
You want to be offended at the statement, but with two days without breakfast behind you, you decide against it. As you walk in silence, you consider a few burning questions that have been jostling around your brain for the past few days. Each will surely lead to a poor reception from Astarion, so you land on the question that’s been most bothering you in the past few weeks.
When you’re finally settled over a quick breakfast of oats, you look him straight in his deep ruby eyes and fire it off, “How did I die?”
Despite his relative composure with the previous questions, this one throws him off-balance. His red eyes widen, his mouth opens a bit, and you can all but see the unwelcome memories bursting to the forefront of his mind. You half-expect him to get up and leave without saying anything, but instead he takes a deep breath, drops his gaze, clenches and unclenches his fists on the table. Finally, he exhales through his nose and mutters, “I… I'm not ready to talk about that yet, if that’s alright.”
His voice comes out soft, almost a whisper you have to strain to hear. But he’s made an effort, one that you find easy to respect. “That’s perfectly alright,” you say, reaching a hand out, just shy of his own on the table. You’re afraid of touching him, yet thousands of dreams compel you to comfort him with a soft touch, a gentle caress. So you still offer. “Whenever you’re ready, I’m ready to listen.”
Astarion doesn’t meet your eyes now, though he notes your hand on the table. With a single finger he reaches out, tracing the line of one of your fingernails. “Thank you. You’re so… different. And yet. Similar.” He lifts his eyes back to yours and you see the struggle behind them clear as day. He’s made so much of these past few days look easy, his pain shoved away like a mere nuisance, but it’s been taking a toll on him all the same. “I should think I’d like to rest today, if that’s alright as well?”
What can you really do in the face of his struggles, if not care for him? So you agree. “Very well. I shall see you tomorrow?”
He nods, getting up from the table. “Yes, I shouldn’t need more rest than that.”
That’s how you spend your sixth day in the house alone again.
You don’t want to see this as a wasted day though– you know how little time you truly have with him. So you spend the day sending some messages. You have enough energy for about five messages, so you plan them out ahead of time. Two for Dalyria, one for Petras, one for Halsin, and one last one for your parents.
Your first message is to Dalyria, “Hello, it’s the reincarnated hero. Would you like to meet before I leave? I’m here until the end of the month.”
Her response is quick and efficient, clearly used to Sending spells. “Yes, let’s. Astarion shouldn’t know. He’s been difficult. Let me know when. Give me an hour to prepare. I’ll go to you.”
Having already prepared to use a second spell, you shoot the second off, “Will do. Thank you. For this and for believing me.”
You don’t expect her to respond, but she does a second later anyway. “Only a fool wouldn’t recognize the look in your eyes. Astarion can be a fool.”
Alone in your room, you laugh a little. You don’t have siblings, but you imagine that their relationship has truly changed into something resembling a sibling relationship after all this time. In order for their vampire society to work, they must have had to put aside a lot of past grievances, things said under the harsh rule of Cazador, all for the betterment of the rest of the spawn.
It warms your heart a little to think that he wasn’t alone after losing your past-self, and you wish you could tell your soul as much. Alas, if it were that simple to settle the unease your previous life left behind, you would have done so by now.
Instead, here you are, sending off a message to another one of Astarion’s siblings, Petras. “Hello Petras, it’s the reincarnated hero. I am meeting with Dal soon, but wanted to ask you what you wanted help with?”
It’s been abundantly apparent in a lot of your memories that Petras has never been the brains of the operation. While Astarion was willing to learn some basics of managing the colony, Petras has always been more of the odds and ends kind of contributor. It becomes even more apparent when he responds, and it’s obvious he’s not used to being a recipient of these messages.
“Oh hello! It was good to meet you the other day, I’m glad you made it out alright. I was hoping that you could pick–” The message cuts off at the word limit, and you contemplate sending another or just waiting for your chance to speak with Dal. You figure you’ll speak with her next time Astarion goes to feed which should be in a few days at most.
So, in the end, you decide that your other messages take precedence. Your next one is to Halsin, “Hello Halsin, it’s the reincarnated hero. I’m with Astarion. He says hi. Do you know any details about my previous life’s death?”
Hasin’s responding message comes back a second later, warm, welcoming, and thought out. “Hello, my friend. Astarion didn’t provide much detail. All I know is they were on an adventure together. Sorry I couldn’t be of more help.”
You write down what you’ve learned from your messages and move on to your last one: your parents. “Hello, all is well. I have a question. Is there a way to recall a past reverie? Love you.”
This time you messaged your father, your usual go-to on the nature of reveries. He responds a moment later, “Hello, glad you’re well. Not in particular. You could maybe try with a Detect Thoughts spell? But you’d need another wizard. Love you too.”
You nod to no one in particular, having thought as much before messaging him. There would be time for that later then.
Now that your messages are done, you decide to spend the rest of the night studying your magic. After all, if you continue a life with Astarion, danger would be around every corner.
That night your reverie comes easily, your mind seems used to the surroundings of the past now. You dream of a life where you were a mage– one of your favorites of your other lives for all of the knowledge they could impart. They were an enchanter and often created marvelous trinkets and items for the small town they lived in. Tonight you make a variety of enchanted items, and you note the spells you cast on each.
__
Astarion must have lied about only needing a day to recharge. You’re almost mad at yourself for not knowing better, but you believed what you wanted to believe. When he doesn’t appear at his door the next morning, you knock. No one responds.
He hadn’t gone off to the Underdark or Dal surely would have said something in her message. He didn’t seem to be hiding in the bathroom or the library. You’re honestly not sure how much more you’re willing to play these games of hide and seek when you find him sitting in the kitchen, exactly where you last saw him.
“Hello,” he says, once you appear in the kitchen entryway. “I was up a bit early today.”
“I can see that,” you say, heading to the pantry. You’re running on the last of your supplies now that the week is coming to an end. You’ll need to get some more food tomorrow, but at least you know how to make it less of a journey this time. “Are you feeling better today?”
“Much,” Astartion replies, though the smile he gives you isn’t quite convincing. Something about the way he’s sitting, too straight, the way he’s breathing, too shallow, the way he watches you, too cautious– it all tells you that something’s not quite right still.
More than nervous, it feels like he’s on edge. But he’s trying his best, so you decide to try your best too. “That’s good. Are you ready for another question?”
“Yes,” he says, tone pure practiced confidence. “Regale me with it.”
You sit in front of him with a prepared plate of dried fruit and nuts. You’d prepared what you thought would be an easier question. “What happened to some of your other companions?”
“Let’s start with one,” he says, wincing a bit at the question. Painful, but not as bad as yesterday’s question, clearly.
After chewing a bit of fruit thoughtfully, you reach a hand forward, available for comfort. Then you pick, “How about Karlach?”
“Well, she died before your past life did,” he says, as if you should know this already.
“I know,” you say between bites. “But I didn’t see it or learn about it. Only felt the sadness, I remember talking through it with you, but we didn’t speak of any details.”
While you’d told him you’d had gaps in your memories, he apparently had either not believed you or not realized the extent of the gaps. Because he looks at you now like you may as well be a fraud. “What?”
“A lot of my reveries were, well… focused on you. And our time together,” you say, suddenly finding the statement embarrassing. You’d told him so in the dungeons, but something about saying it in the middle of the day in the man’s kitchen makes you feel a bit awkward about it. “I’m not sure why that’s the case, but it does mean that I didn’t get to see much of what happened with the others.”
He looks at you, his already pale face somehow losing more of its pallor. “I see.”
A few seconds of silence pass between you, both of you lost in your respective thoughts. It’s not until you’re biting down on an almond that Astarion speaks again.
“When you said I was your every dream and thought– you weren’t exaggerating were you?” You shake your head in response and he continues. “So how much would you say is ‘a lot’ of your reveries?”
Once again, you’re a bit embarrassed to respond, but you know you must so that he understands. “I think the current count is somewhere around 11,000 reveries.”
The magnitude of your statement sits between you again. The idea that you had lived years worth of reveries with him while he’d only known you for a week is clearly affecting him. You’re not sure what to say to make him feel better– really you’re glad he’s finally facing the truth of it. So you continue to eat your breakfast, waiting for him to process.
After some time he speaks up again. “Karlach died doing what she did best. It was a fight, of course– did you know she kept fighting until each of her bones ached from age? We told her she should stop eventually, settle down somewhere, live a calmer life. But no, that would never suit her, would it?”
You shake your head in agreement, smiling at the thought of the elderly tiefling wielding a massive ax as if it weighed no more than a feather. “That makes sense, she would rather die than stop moving.”
He smiles back at you, calmer now that you’ve gotten past some of the awkwardness. “She really would.”
“I guess you all would,” you say, recalling some of the adventures your past-self had had with Astarion. “I wonder if my own soul is so restless as a result.”
You had been trying to make a lighthearted observation, especially considering how the call of the Underdark was so strong for you, but Astarion doesn’t seem to appreciate the statement. Eyes wide, a bit of panic in them, he says, “Then we ought to find a way to quiet that restlessness.”
You tilt your head at him, confused. “Aren’t you going out and about, defending the spawn and fighting still?”
“Yes,” he says, carefully. “But I don’t expect you to– in fact, don’t you have something protective you can cast on yourself? A Mage Armour or some other warding spell?”
“Well, yes, but I didn’t exactly expect to encounter any danger while I’m–”
“Prepare it tomorrow,” he demands. “Prepare it every day. You’re far too– too soft to go without.”
You bristle at that insult. It’s like being called pampered again, and you are getting tired of being treated like some child. “I am not soft. I’ve lived through enough lives to understand how to take care of myself. I don’t need you of all people coddling me.” He opens his mouth to speak, and you impulsively grab his hand on the table to stop him. “No. You know better than anyone that I have the memories of your past love. They faced dangers unlike those of any other and made it through. I shall do the same.”
He snaps at that, ripping his hand out of your grasp. “You shouldn’t speak of things you don’t know about.” His nostrils flare, and he may as well be breathing fire with the burning in his eyes. “Don’t you… dare speak as if you lived their life. You are soft and until you understand that, we won’t be getting anywhere.”
In a single spinning motion, he leaves you at the kitchen table once more. The familiar feeling of being left here is starting to wear on you, and you hang your head over your breakfast plate in defeat.
You’d been too rash, taken the words too personally. But he’d been too harsh, too set on seeing you as a babbling babe. So you sit at the table, finishing your breakfast in silence as you replay the conversation back in your head, over and over again. And somehow, despite all that transpired between you, your mind keeps pulling back to the feel of his hand in yours. How cool it had been, how right it had felt. You wonder if you’ll be able to hold it once more, perhaps under better circumstances.
You spend the rest of the day in a stupor. You try to read one of the books Astarion recommended, but find that the words swim before your eyes. You try to practice magic, but find none of your spells taking form. Eventually you decide to lay in bed and write down your thoughts in a personal journal entry– something you haven’t attempted in years.
I’ve spent almost seven days in Astarion’s house, learning to live with him. It’s been an odd time, but I think I understand who he is a bit better now. He gets upset whenever I ask about the past. I don’t know whether sating my curiosity is worth it anymore, but I also know that I can’t build a new relationship with him until we face the past. Or at least he does. I’m hoping that next week proves more productive, because time is running out. Maybe I should use magic to get through to him. Maybe I should try holding his hand again, that was nice that may be helpful. Whatever I do, I hope he doesn’t run away again. I’m starting to feel like a bloodhound.
As you lay down for your seventh reverie since you brokered your deal with Astarion, the ups and downs of your new, temporary life settle in. You realize that, while you know more about him, you haven’t made nearly as much progress as you were hoping for. The entire time you kept reminding yourself that these things take time– now that a quarter of your time was up, you were beginning to wonder if you would even have enough time to tackle it all.
#astarion#astarion x tav#fanfic#astarion fic#astarion x reader#astarion fanfiction#astarion fanfic#astarion masterlist#gn reader#astarion x gn reader#astarion x gn!tav#astarion baldurs gate#bg3 astarion#when he's all but forgotten how to love again#whabfhtla#reincarnation trope#elf!tav#astarion x you
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Get to know my OC
Caitlin is the first OC I've ever created and I'm proud of how far she has come, so this my info dumping about her, I hope you enjoy it.
General information:
Backstory:
Caitlin is one of Erwin's childhood friends. Being a few years younger but extremely smart, she got to share some classes with Erwin while they both lived in Wall Rose, still being in touch via letters once their lives parted as they grew up.
Graduated from the Mitras Academy in Wall Sina with honors and special mentions, she is capable to make diagnosis, treatments and surgeries in domestic, wild and farm animals.
She witnessed the death of her noble fiance in hands of a titan a month before their wedding while they were in a business trip in Shingashina, where she was born and lived her first years.
She joined and worked as an Equine Veterinarian in the Survey Corps right after the fall of Wall Maria, by Erwin's suggestion, becoming a full Scout only after going through the Training Corps, but still not being very skilled in physical fights.
Her brains compensate her lack of physical strength, though she has a very good aim with shooting weapons.
She's a Team Leader, in charge of other Equine Veterinarians in a daily routine but also during expeditions. She's also part of the Survey Corps science team.
Personality:
Hardworking, logical, realistic, future-oriented, extremely smart, cold, distant, calculative, way too straight forward (can come across as mean or rude), independent, stubborn, perfectionist. Won't hesitate on lying, torturing or killing someone for a greater good. . . or her own good.
Has a soft spot for animals and for people who can really see through her cold demeanor, it takes time but only then she is very caring, overprotective, loving, possessive and even clingy.
Relationships:
Erwin: He's her childhood best friend, they grew up together creating a sibling-like bond. They even shared the same dream about finding the truth about what's beyond the walls, influenced by Erwin's father's ideals.
Erwin trusted Caitlin to be the commander after his death, so she made her best on continuing his legacy, making a lot of mistakes in the process by having the power finally going to her head.
Hange: They were both in the science team and spent a lot of time together doing research. They could talk for hours without getting tired, though Hange is the one who talks the most.
After deciding to stay in Marley, she quit on her duty of being the commander, choosing Hange to be her successor.
Petra: Caitlin was aware of Petra's crush on the Captain but Petra also noticed that Levi saw Caitlin in a different light, telling Caitlin that, if anything happened, she would love to see Caitlin giving him a chance, though Caitlin was too focused on her work and not interested in romance to believe in her words, only starting to think about it after her death.
The 104th cadets: Caitlin doesn't like kids, yet most of the cadets ended looking up to her as a superior but also a mother figure who was there to listen and give them advice, maybe not always in the best way but her words still worked out.
Levi: Him and Caitlin DID NOT get along, at all, for years. . . They're both stubborn, have sharp tongues and get easily annoyed so one bad move from Levi condemned him into getting the same treatment from Caitlin.
After their first encounter with the Female Titan, they started bonding. Levi having his ankle sprung made him spend more time in the headquarters and being paired with Caitlin to be sent in meetings with the other regiments.
Levi is the one that kept Caitlin in touch with her "human" side, helping her to be a better person. She, in return, gave him the love he never received before, putting him in first place, constantly checking and listening him while both learning how to love due to their past experiences.
Eren: He was one of the closest to Caitlin from the 104th, they got even closer by the time Eren stayed in Marley, because Caitlin also stayed to help him with his plan, dyeing her hair blonde, wearing fake glasses and infiltrating as a Marleyan Nurse thanks to her medical knowledge.
This is a general post about my OC but I still have way more to share, so I'll try to keep you updated here ✨
#oc#meet my oc#levi ackerman#snk#shingeki no kyojin#anime#anime oc#original character#levi x oc#oc x levi#oc x canon#dr caitlin aot#caitlin peters#catzeart#aot oc#snk oc#attack on Titan oc#Shingeki no kyojin oc
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Lower Decks 4x10 (season finale)
I liked this a lot! All the threads from earlier in the season tied together neatly (but not obnoxiously neatly), and I very much liked that Mariner's situation felt like one she'd been in and made different choices in before (e.g., going with Petra), but was now reacting differently as a result of her growth this season. It was nice to hear her say "I still believe in the mission," since she so often has tried to hide that but it's so, so obvious that she does. It worked well with her conversation with Ma'ah in the last episode.
Something I feel has been overlooked a bit in the fandom is Captain Freeman's tremendous character development this season. We really got to see how much of a smart, determined, thinking-outside-the-boxish rebel-for-a-good-cause she is, and how she absolutely influenced her daughter, holy hell, they are two peas in a pod. I really liked that she got to either engineer the solution to the problem of the week or be a key part of it in almost every episode. It's so easy in something focused on characters lower down in the hierarchy to make the higher ranking characters idiots so the main characters can shine. Lower Decks has deftly avoided that this year, not only with Carol but also Ransom and Shax, who each have things to teach our lower deckers. It's nice to see the lower decks crew still needing to learn things from their superiors.
It seems obvious next season is going to focus on Tendi, which I am not mad about, as the kids say. Leaning into her Orion-ness made her a vastly more interesting character, so I'm looking forward to more of that. Her "You've got this" at the end was probably just psyching herself up for something she didn't want to do, but a small part of me wonders if Starfleet took the opportunity to turn her into a double agent/spy. Would be a nice counterpoint to the narrative's renewed belief in the Starfleet mission here. More like, "We still believe in the mission, but damn, you guys fuck up sometimes," which is a very Lower Decks sentiment.
The Locarno/Paris conversation between Rutherford and Boimler was hilarious. "Um, the Maquis would like a word" was even more hilarious. Locarno maybe should have studied up how non-hierarchical organizations work rather than trying recreate Starfleet, but with him as Admiral-in-Chief.
There were other fun bits here and there, but I think those are the highlights for me.
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Gundam: The Witch From Mercury Season 2 Episode 6 Review
- Suletta needs to learn proper coping techniques fast. Just ignoring the problem doesn’t make it go away. All that does is let it build up inside you until you snap. However, since the very beginning, Suletta has acted as a doormat, letting people walk all over her without speaking up for herself. She deserves to be sad, she deserves to be angry. Being a people-pleaser will only just tear her apart more. Luckily, both Chuchu and Eri realized this, and while Chuchu went about it the healthier way, it was good of Eri to finally cut off Suletta. She needs to establish a life outside of being Aerial’s pilot. It might have been what she was made for, but fuck destiny and parental expectations! Live your own life tanuki!
- Earth House claiming the best supporting character spots simply by recognizing what’s wrong with Suletta and actually acting on it, especially Chuchu. She pushes Suletta to express her true feelings and makes the plan to go see Miorine so she can explain herself. She’s grown up from the violent little doggy she was before. She uses her anger to push her forward, but she isn’t letting it take over her like Norea
- Poor Lauda is projecting his insecurities onto Suletta (though he isn’t really wrong.) He’s dedicated his life and self worth into supporting his brother, much like Suletta with Aerial, and now that Miorine’s the one by his side, he feels empty. He needs to come into his own as person and separate himself from his brother. I can only hope his adorable girlfriend Petra can help him through these times.
- Lauda and Felsi thanking Chuchu made me weak. They’re so honorable. But what shot me in the heart was Felsi’s smile and look back at Chuchu before she ran off. She loves that poofy girl so much. I’d love to see the two go to Earth and fight together
- I feel so bad for Martin. He did the right thing in reporting Nika because she never explained herself despite him giving her multiple chances, and he wanted to protect the rest of his friends. Dude’s carrying a heavy weight on his shoulders, but his little therapy session just made it worse.
- WHAT THE FUCK SECELIA!
- Girl created a whole catholic confession booth on the school to figure out the student’s dirty secrets. Interesting thing though, is that it’s Rouji’s Haro instead of the normal ones. The normal Haro’s are connected to the authorities and report everything but since Rouji’s is custom, it probably doesn’t have that feature. And is Secelia doing this just because she likes gossip or because she’s now taking her job seriously and wants to weed out any dangerous individuals? Or is the Burion House sort of like a secret police that monitors everyone?
- Shaddiq ONCE AGAIN is a total snake, but he’s definitely bit off more than he could chew by meeting with Prospera. If Shaddiq is two steps ahead of our main cast, Prospera is at the top of the stairs ready to push him down
- Peil House is the worst group of people I’ve ever seen in my life. They literally just let a computer decide the fates of orphaned children and pick out which ones they’ll experiment on. Elan Prime was lucky. He could have ended up another Enhanced Person if fate decided to be a dick. Which probably only makes El5n even more pissed. Like, he could have been the special one, but instead some computer decided he wasn’t important enough
- Speaking of El5n, my beloved, tight lips my ass. Bro just spilled the whole tea on Peil to two random fugitives. Shows just how much he hates them. But poor Nika wasn’t expecting to have to deal with all that and now she’s floundering. Maybe she’ll start working on Gundams that don’t kill people. Also El5n calling out Norea and pointing out the similarities between each other all while she’s trying to stab him is hot and I ship them so hard. Nika should ask Sabina for a separate room or she’ll be witness to their hatefucking
- Finally we see the Schwarzette! There’s been so much discussion about this suit, what it was or who would pilot it, and now we get to see it in all its glory. We’ll have to see if the AI will take on the Permet strain or if it’ll hurt the pilot.
- If this anime wasn’t political already, then we’re about to get sooooo political. Miorine is gonna have a hard time connecting with the rioters considering her position and personality. Maybe Guel will be able to help her navigate, and maybe even use his Dawn of Fold connections. Personally, if they want to help, I think setting up field hospitals would be the first best step but that’s just me
- The swole chad Kenanji has now joined the group and I’m so excited. Bro was hyped up in the prologue and then dropped off the face of the earth. But considering he’s on the same spaceship as Prospera, I don’t think he’ll be getting out of it alive
- Eri’s a savage. She allowed Suletta to come to her just to tell her she’s ditching her. Like, I know she’s trying to help, but she could have been gentler. And activating the Permet really didn’t help either.
- Prospera actually does something nice and stops using Suletta for her revenge. But she still doesn’t explain anything and this leaves Suletta a sobbing broken mess out in space. Truly the mother of the year. But the way she defers to Eri shows that ultimately, she’s a broken woman who just wants her daughter back. Everything she’s done is all so she can be with Eri again, ignoring the thousands of people she’s trampled
Next episode is gonna be painful as well. I don’t expect good things to happen on Earth, especially not since karma magnet Guel and warcrime MILF Prospera are there. Also since Shaddiq was the title vocalist, maybe we’ll get more of his backstory?
#Suletta Miorine and Guel are all going thought it™️#but 5orea and Felchu is gaining ground so all is well#gundam#gundam witch from mercury#g witch#suletta mercury#miorine rembran#elan ceres#elan 5#guel jeturk
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just finished shadow puppets, it was my least favorite shadow book and took me the longest to read even tho it was rather short because I couldent stop putting it down and forgetting about it. It's well written and fun and all but the heavy focus on orson scott cards personal beliefs and the romance between bean and petra personally wasent my style. Either way peter was a blast and him comparing himself to the dude in a casket was fun, looking forward to reading shadow giants and later shadows in flight but till then not much to say, it was a tolerable book with nothing espicially horrible and nothing especially marvelous
I feel like I should have more emotions after an enderverse book but I'm honestly just glad I finished it and I can move on
am excited to see where the story goes and is especially excited to revisit peter 2 again now that I learned what Peter 1 is like
either way would in general reccomend the shadow series this book just wasent to my personal taste
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idk if i can be anon for this but i want a reading!! (if thats fine with u ofc) ermm my initials is M.W and idk can it just be a general reading? thank u!!
Hello! You can absolutely be anon, it's no issue.
I'm sure the more I do these it'll be clear I always say this, but it's never a lie; this was so fun to do! Thank you for the request. I hope this resonates, and please let me know if it does/doesn't and such! Even if just the form of an ask, I love hearing back from people. (however, there's no pressure! I understand that sometimes that can be a bit intimidating.)
"What do they need to know right now?"
Ten of Swords reversed:
Victimhood, Restoration, Transformation. Letting go of what doesn't serve you anymore, this is a card of re-evaluation on all levels. Things are changing, and that's okay- people change. It's scary, you're probably having to learn to let go of things that maybe you valued a lot; but they're not who you are now, are they? This is a time of huge transformation, and growing up is hard, but sometimes it needs to happen.
(Ironically, I listen to music during these readings, and Contractual by Chase Petra came on. I'm not claiming that if you give it a listen you'll relate to it, it's just a funny thing I noticed and I felt the need to say so since it's... comically relevant, in a way.)
The Empress upright:
Goddess, Femininity, Mother Earth. Straight from the guidebook, "In short, go enjoy yourself!" In a time of major transformation in which you're letting go of old parts of yourself, or your life, it can feel like life or death- go take a break. You don't need to figure it all out in a day, you can take some time for yourself! You should, even. Do what nourishes your soul. This could also be a call to connect with more feminine energies, even your own femininity if you struggle with it- but to me this feels very strongly like a call to invest in yourself and take some down time.
Justice upright:
Law, Objective, Fair. Take accountability, and hold others accountable. With the other cards in mind I would take this as looking objectively at the situation and not letting your emotions cloud your judgement. Be honest and fair. Lay all the facts out and look at things with logic.
Since I wasn't quite sure how to interpret Justice within the overall reading, I asked for a clarification card and got-
King of Wands upright:
Natural Leader, Visionary, Entreppreneur. This sounds to me like it's a reminder to look at your passions, your goals, with an objective viewpoint. Keep going towards those things! But think about it clearly; can you continue towards what you want without letting certain things go, like the ten of swords is talking about? Maybe there's a bias in the way and the justice card is telling you to look at that. You have the skills to lead, and to make your way towards those goals, just make sure you're being logical in the way you pursue them. This could be a warning against letting those passions get the better of you and using underhanded means to pursue your goals, as well.
The Tower upright:
Destruction, Abrupt Change, Lightning. I know, I know. It's a scary card to get. But, as a Loki devotee, I feel like this card is given a bad rep. With the other cards in this reading, I feel like this is about a change that's ultimately for the better. Sudden change, terrifying change, destroying the life you've built- but all so a better one can take shape. Things might feel out of control, and likely it's because they are- The Tower implies a change that rocks your whole world, cuts to the core of who you are and makes you re-evaluate who you are as a person. The guidebook uses the term "rude awakening," and I feel like that fits. It's not fun- but it's needed. Be gentle with yourself, because change is scary, and ultimately move forward with power. "With destruction comes creation."
Strength upright:
Fierce, Endurance, Courage. This, undeniably, tells you that you CAN get through this. Maybe you feel otherwise- judging by the other cards, this change is probably not an easy one. But you are growing, and you can handle this change with courage and a strong presence that you may not know yourself to be capable of. Forgive me for adding my personal experiences in; but sometimes, you find the strength to deal with situations as those situations happen. Sometimes, the "world-ending" thing you've been afraid of happening is EXACTLY what causes you to grow and become a stronger person for it. Strength is a card that reminds you of self-control, inner power, and your ability to step into it. This reading is not an omen, it's not telling you your life is ending; it's telling you it's beginning. Listen to that.
Overall, big changes are coming- or maybe they've already happened. What I'm getting is a reminder to take control of what you can in this situation, steady yourself, and step into your power. Allow yourself to feel things, grieve the loss of whatever you're letting go of if need be- as The Empress implies, take time to yourself, whatever that looks like. Then move forward in life, because you can and you're going to prove it.
That being said, If you liked it and are financially able to tip, here's my Ko-Fi! If not, then no hard feelings, as this helps me show people what my readings look like! This one was about half the max size of a (basic, not in-depth) paid reading, so it's not the best example. Here's my Ko-Fi if you'd like to tip, or for anyone who wants to go check it out:
#tarotblr#tarot reading#tarot#tarot reader#witchblr#pagan witch#witchcraft#witch blog#witch community#Frog's tarot readings
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Genuinely not trying to get into anything here, just wanting to learn more. What about Khalid and Nader's writing is a poor example?
Don't worry about it! Asking questions out of curiosity is always a good thing :)
People directly concerned with this topic will be more apt to give a detailed answer, but I'll do my best.
People from the Middle-East as well as Northern Africa generally have a bad reputation around the globe and face discrimination as a result. This is especially true of immigrants. Like, where I'm from, they're seen as untrustworthy, thieves, even murderers or r*pists. There's also the fact that they're associated with Islam, so on top of facing racial discrimination, they also face religious discrimination (whether they're actual Muslims or not). Not everyone thinks that way, thankfully, and I believe some states are trying to address this issue.
But then, you have the police who sometimes (often...) have no qualms about arresting people or violently repress people because they look a certain way. There were riots in France a few months ago because a policeman shot a young man - Nahel Merzouk - of Moroccan and Algerian descent to death. You can find articles about this on sites like The Guardian if you want.
Now let's return to FE3H/FEW3H.
In Houses, we learn that Almyra invades Fodlan for funsies and the soldiers then celebrate the fight with a big feast. So killing people (or getting some of your people killed) is basically treated like a joke... Fodlan's throat was built to better protect Fodlan from these attacks... which are treated like a game by the interloping party. That's... really not great.
But we also learn from Claude's B support with Hilda that his father - the king of Almyra - tied him to a horse and dragged him around because he was a "brat" sometimes? And her own mother just laughed when it happened (granted, she's not Almyran, but still... nobody seemed to think that Claude's treatment was disgusting)? So physically abusing a child is seen as something funny. Again, reaaaally not great.
And Cyril tells us (well, Claude technically) in their B support that his parents died in battle, and he had to survive on his own without any help, especially not from the king. And he was serving in the army at age 11/12 (possibly younger). Whether he was forced or not... I'm not sure, but it's entirely possible he had little choice if he wanted to survive somehow. ... not great at all.
In Hopes, we have Nader looking forward to "taking some souvenirs" aka pillaging and Lorenz - a white nobleman - telling him that pillaging is not allowed in Fodlan. Not Claude. Lorenz. Important Almyran general (and probably most of his soldiers lbr) thinks pillaging is fun for the savages from Almyra so we need local white nobleman from Fodlan to teach him that it's bad. Yikes.
Then you have Clod who... well, first of all makes the worst possible decisions in part 2 (why side with the country that did nothing to you when you can help the one that intends to invade you?). He also believes Edelgard's words about Rhea without... I don't know, find a way to verify the information he's been provided? And he's shown to be a backstabbing, untrustworthy scumbag with the Randolt chapter for example.
He uses morally reprehensible 'tactics' to invade a country that has done nothing to him (e.g.: inciting Sreng to attack the kingdom). He centres power around himself and suppresses the nobles who want to bail because they're not happy about this.
Oh and there's Shahid, a prince so stupid he doesn't recognise his own brother in chapter 3. He attacks Fodlan to get a better chance at inheriting the throne. That's quite... ugh.
This is when a sensitivity reader and a diversity editor would have been GREATLY beneficial to this game's writing (can also be applied to Petra and Dedue tbh). Sadly, it's not a thing in Japan as far as I know.
Also, I probably forgot (or overlooked) some stuff, so any correction or addition is more than welcome!
#anon ask#claude von riegan#golden wildfire#hope this helps#and makes sense#tw racism#tw murder#tw r4p3#adding these just in case
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This talk of the three flames and how they correlate to the three lords has me thinking, Gronder is less of a clusterfuck than it appears. I mean, sure, it’s a fog map (in-universe, not mechanically) symbolizing how none of the three lords are thinking clearly but there’s more to it than that. It’s the moment where the balance of power shifts in Fodlan, and to understand why we need to look at what holds each army back.
If the Eagles are afflicted with attachment issues, then they’re out of it in Silver Snow. Byleth has already decided to fight Edelgard despite their connection, but the dialogue makes it clear they’re not motivated by hate. If anything, they wish they could knock some sense into Edelgard without killing her. In liberating the Great Bridge, they’ve taken too many casualties and need time to recuperate. Claude used them in order to regain control of the Bridge and march on the Empire, possibly intentionally due to Claude’s hatred towards the Church. Even if the player wants to join Dimitri at Gronder, they’re prevented from doing so by Seteth. Someone steps in to prevent Byleth from doing something foolish, something Dimitri didn’t have and led to his demise.
At Gronder, while Dimitri and Claude will lead their troops from the frontlines Edelgard hangs in the back. You even see this in the cutscene. She’ll just throw wave after wave of soldiers at the enemy, putting them between her and her enemies. She’ll even use one as bait to a trap, luring soldiers onto a hill she will set on fire with a sniper that can’t move from that position. If Bernadetta is on her side, she will be the sacrifice despite them being classmates. Edelgard’s leadership here severely weakens the Imperial army, enough so that the Church can swoop in and defeat her afterwards. We don’t know exactly why these guys all fought for Edelgard. Was it her own charisma, duty to their country, or was it due to the fact that Edelgard got Caspapa on her side (with the promise of giving him control of the Alliance) and these guys gladly go into battle for his sake. The fact that Caspapa will sacrifice himself to save his men while Edelgard sacrifices them stands out in this regard. The other Eagles there are Petra, someone who will fight for Edelgard’s will according to a later map, and Hubert, someone in love with Edelgard.
Attachment is what wrecks the Imperial army here, and us severing our ties to Edelgard in part saved us. Really fits with Silver Snow’s story if you think about it. Rhea letting go of Sothis and seeing Byleth as their own person leads to her survival, Edelgard herself abandons her attachment in order to move forward, while not breaking up with Ed appears to ultimately result in Sothis’s heart breaking and her leaving behind the piece that was attached to you when she leaves (according to my interpretation of the Japanese text of the S support, where she says “the stone in your bosom” aka her heart, “shattered”).
Dimitri the Boar Prince is tied to delusion/ignorance, but it’s not “he’s crazy” or “he wrongly thinks Edelgard is guilty.” It’s what Dimitri believes that’s the problem. His survivor’s guilt over Duscur leads to the belief that he has to live for the sake of those who died, avenging them at any cost. It also makes him suicidal. He’s not in a mindset to lead, especially considering he knows the Empire was involved with the incident, but it’s pointed out that rather than stopping him his retainers go along with his orders.
The player can too in Azure Moon, but the player can also challenge him. In non-Moon routes, however, this ultimately leads to his death as well as the deaths of those who follow him. He even goes after the Alliance in this state during Gronder, intent to send them to hell alongside the Empire.
But in Moon, he’s left with a reality check due to the Rodrigue’s death. A death that’s the result of someone seeking revenge on him. And in the aftermath, Byleth teaches Dimitri what he really needed to learn. How to live, something he lacks in other routes and in Hopes. Knowledge is the solution to delusion/ignorance. It was this knowledge Dimtiri needed to learn, not the truth of Duscur, and because he did his poison stops fueling his actions.
Inversely, Claude’s issue isn’t ignorance/delusion/hostility/ill will. It’s hatred/aversion. He uses Byleth and the Church in order to free the Great Bridge so he could march on the Empire, allowing them to suffer the casualties in his stead. He doesn’t even tell them he was going to do so or offer to join them, he just leaves them in his dust. This action results in the Alliance army, including the other Deer, to be wiped out. Claude, according to word of God, flees Fodlan afterwards and in doing so leaves the Alliance to rot. He doesn’t go back to work with the Church, or even leave them anything. His master plan backfires and he just fucks off.
He’s not rampaging like Edelgard and Dimitri…at least in Houses. Hopes!Claude would fit right in with Edelgard and the Boar Prince.
But in Verdant Wind Claude works with Byleth. His former teacher and friend who just happens to now be the leader of the Church Claude believes is the reason Fodlan is “closed off”. During Wind, Claude does learn that his beliefs on this were misinformed, showing that he can be open-minded and willing to accept that he was wrong.
But then we consider Dimitri’s death. On of Claude’s supports MUST be completed by Gronder, showing it does have an effect on him. I believe it’s the B+ support, where he talks about belief in Gods and how a God might have empathized with him by allowing Byleth into his life. But at Gronder, think about it. Dimitri is believed to have let his hatred rule him. Claude saw where that leads, was able to come out on top because of the support of Byleth and the Church despite his aversion to religion in general. If Claude isn’t open to the possibility of Gods looking out for people before that event, his relationship with Byleth can’t progress.
Not to mention, you know, how he learns the truth about Rhea, Nemesis, the Relics, Nabateans and the Agarthans, An entire faction that is ruled by their hate, who used Edelgard and Nemesis as tools for their revenge…and tried to use Claude as well.
Claude lets go of his hatred/aversion towards religion, and in doing so frees up his mind to see the truth. A truth that includes Rhea and the Church being good for Fodlan, and results in him changing Almyra to be more of a trading nation to knock down boundaries rather than simply invading other countries.
Meanwhile, you don’t get Gronder in Flower. Edelgard can’t learn any lesson here…but even then, we see how she continues to use people afterwards. Still tries to manipulate others, unwilling to compromise in her path, still an asshole.
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hello captain! i hope you've had an enjoyable birthday so far :3
as promised here are the results of the project erwin assigned to me *hands over a scroll*
we all hope you like it and we wish you a happy birthday as well as many more to come 💕
things we love about our captain levi:
he makes great tea - i always look forward to him bringing me a cup (erwin)
he reminds me to take care of myself - one time he even threatened to bathe me himself (hange)
captain levi makes good strategic decisions in battle (armin)
he’s a good fighter - there’s a lot i can learn from him in this regard (mikasa)
he always smells nice - it has a sense of consistency to it so i like it (miche)
the captain trusts my instincts and never doubts them (sasha)
he’s a great listener (erwin)
levi’s a great captain and we can always rely on him to have our backs (petra)
captain levi’s right about a lot of things - i should listen to him more often (eren)
he makes me laugh a lot (hange)
i can always rely on him fulfilling orders that are given to him (erwin)
he cares a lot more than you’d assume at first (jean)
one time he gave me a part of his rations - i’ll never forget that (sasha)
people often get blinded by his title as humanity’s strongest and overlook that he’s a person as well - a good one at that (armin)
he dedicates himself fully to the people he deems worthy (erwin)
he might be a bit harsh about it sometimes but he gives good advice (eld)
i look up to captain levi - i hope i can be as strong as him one day (oluo)
to be honest i’d probably follow his lead even if the situation seems hopeless - i know that he’ll be able to gain some kind of advantage over our opponent (connie)
captain levi was right about what he said to me back then and i don’t know if i would have been able to do it without his training - i still think a lot about the things he’s taught me (historia)
being a part of the levi squad is like being part of a family in a way (104th’s)
- 🥛
I did, thanks. Milk.
Many more, huh? *Frowns* …Nevermind.
What…? *Scrunches nose* What a waste of paper—hey, it’s on the damn floor. Give it here.
*Picks up scroll and reads*
…
…
…
…
*Silent for a long time*
I… I really don’t know what to say.*Avoids their eyes* You’re telling me, that every single one of these idiots contributed to this? They hid this from me flawlessly. *Rereads* Oluo being modest for once in his life. Tch… Interesting.
Bunch of fools. *Sniffs, & looks up* Which makes you the biggest fool of all.
*Steps closer & affectionately tousles their hair*
Thanks. Now get out. I want to read some more.
#‘I like it’ doesn’t even begin to cover it.#levi.is.fond#levi.is.pleased#levi ackerman rp#aot rp#aot roleplay#aot levi ackerman#snk levi ackerman#attack on titan roleplay#[THIS WAS ABSOLITELY THE BEST MILK HES SHAKING AND CRYING]
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Since you seem to be following the Hopes playthrough of other Tumblr people, does that mean you don't know spoilers for it? If so, I will avoid discussing any so you can continue to enjoy their reviews as they post them. However I do have a question for you. You have a good outsider perspective as an audience who is not playing the game directly but still reading other reviews of Hopes. What are your thoughts about SB, GW and AG (assuming what you know by osmosis and thru reading reviews)?
Thanks for your ask, Anon.
I honestly don't mind spoilers, since I don't intend to play the game myself, nor will I use it as research for my writing.
As for what my thoughts on the routes are, I'm putting these below the cut, for those who are avoiding spoilers entirely. I should also preface this by saying that in 3 Houses Azure Moon was my favorite route, with Crimson Flower my least favorite, and Snow and Wind in the "meh" spot. I don't hate Edel, but I do think she's one of the villains of 3 Houses, so anyone who doesn't want to read any Edel criticism can bow out now, if desired.
Scarlet Blaze:
Monica's Edel simp personality has been retconned to be her actual character, rather than something weird that happened after she got Slithered. From what I've seen she even counts how often Edel sighs? If she were a guy, we'd slap a restraining order on him, so I can't take this seriously as good lesbian representation. Ferdinand apparently got even more shafted than before. Bernadetta's father supposedly has a similar personality to hers, which makes no sense with what we've learned of the man in FE3H. Linhardt's dad is... there. Caspar's dad has a crest he canonically is not supposed to have. Caspar has apparently been reduced from "I wanna grow taller and stronger and fight evil and injustice!" to "I wanna grow stronger and fight", which is sad to hear. I have not heard anything bad/OOC about Linhardt or Dorothea yet, so that's good. Petra's support with Dedue is about how he and Dimitri taught each other their respective languages, but Petra had no one, which only reaffirms my desire to recruit her out of her house asap.
Story-wise, I find it hilarious that Edel gets support from the church in routing the Slithers, gets to reform her country as she pleases... and then still goes on to declare war. Almost as if the imperialism had always been there. Apparently the church sent assassins after Count Varley once he became head of the Southern Church, which is super OOC for the Central Church (not so much the Western Church). I know the official summary talks of Edel looking to rout the Slithers, but apparently she doesn't even get to take out Thales--Rhea sacrifices herself to do so. The route ends with a high five from Edel and Shez, which... seems appropriate. I have heard nothing about this route that makes me think it's any more engaging than a high five. There are apparently two different endings, depending on if you recruited Byleth or not, but both of them leave the war open ended, which sucks. Overall, it sounds like Crimson Flower 2.0.
Golden WildTrashfire:
Poor Claude can't catch a break. In 3 Houses, the writers gave him a copy paste route, in 3 Hopes they decided to go against his established characterization for something closer to the first draft they originally had, and from there right into Edel Lite territory. I have not heard anything outrageous about the characterization of the rest of the Deer, so I can only imagine they got out relatively unscathed. Hilda is apparently even more bisexual in this than she was in 3 Houses, which I applaud. I am looking forward to hearing my mutuals talk about Leonie & Jeralt supports, if there are any.
Story-wise, the route touted itself as dealing with Almyra... which it apparently did for all of 8 chapters, before Claude suddenly decides to believe that Edel is right actually and killing Rhea will solve his problems. He then goes on to fan a border conflict between Sreng and Faerghus and ends up murdering Rhea. I think a Chinese reviewer put it nicely when he said it's like Claude spent three years hanging upside down, so all the blood rushed to his head and turned him stupid. Just like Verdant Wind, this route had SO MUCH POTENTIAL... and then they just decided "nah, fuck it, let's copy paste an Eagles route in the second half". It's tragic really. This route had the chance to be amazing for Claude and Almyra and instead just ended up being CF 2.Claude.
Azure Gleam:
The Blue Lions definitely drew the best straws, as far as I can tell. Dimitri is mostly in character, from what I hear (except for one weird line about how he started the war by sheltering Rhea and his super hedged response to Claude trying to get rid of the Church). His PTSD is still there, but never gets him has bad as it did in 3 Houses. Dimidue and Dimilix shippers get all the nice things, because these two in particular are actually there to support him. We get to see Sylvain's dad, who is much more fleshed out as a character, and Miklan gets to die defending a fort from the Empire, so Sylvain gets some juicy extra bits of family lore/characterization. Ingrid is apparently heir to her house. Other than that, I have not heard much about the girls. Oh, also Felix and Annette apparently only have one support conversation (but my OTP ... T_T) and Felix's mom exists, but still has no name.
Story-wise.... Dimitri's uncle was apparently involved in the tragedy, kept Dimitri locked up post Duscur, spied on him and even tried to kill him. I watched the cutscene where Dimitri gets to execute him and I have zero regrets. I have heard this game described as "Dimitri tries to reform his country while Edel and Claude play catch with the idiot ball in his yard". I know he ends up giving Duscur back to its people, arrest a few more people who were involved in the tragedy, and mostly defends his Kingdom from the Empire. Somehow this all ends with Edel being brainwashed by Thales, who gets killed by Dimitri? Ngl, as much as I like Dimitri getting revenge for his father, the last thing Edel needed was to lose even more of her agency. Aside from that though, Azure Gleam players seem to be happy.
Now as for everybody else: the wolves are there... I guess? Yuri apparently flirts with Sylvain, which just underscores his canon bisexuality. Sothis apparently got hit with the OOC hammer as well and is now acticely commandeering Byleth's body sometimes? Also, I hear she talks about the Heroes' Relics in titles (like Rhea's title as a dragon is The Immaculate One), which is super weird, since those are her kids. I mean, she never struck me as the best mother ever, but it still seems OOC. The church characters are... there, I guess. I haven't seen anyone talk about Alois yet. Catherine and Shamir are still gay for each other, which is good for them--they are my favorite sapphic couple in 3 Houses. Seteth and Flayn dye their hair at some point, and very badly so. Cyril gets some nice lines from Rhea during a paralogue which show that she really does care about him. Poor Rhea can't catch a break outside AG and dies in the other two routes, which sucks.
I also read the dev interview where they basically said "it's canon if you want it to be" and "we didn't want to invalidate the experience of 3 Houses" to justify their shitty cliffhanger endings, but ironically pissed off more fans than they made happy, from what I can see. I am curious to see what DLC they'll drop for this (because you just know they will).
#asks#anon#Fire Emblem Warriors: Three Hopes#FE WTH#3 Hopes spoilers#looooooong post#these are all my personal impressions and opinions#based on what I've seen of this route from mutuals and reviews
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Let Me Tell You About the Time I Tried Living on the Streets
Now, let’s not get confused: I was actually homeless, and chronically so. In this go-around, I was bumming it up on my brother and his ex’s couch after I and my mother lost the apartment we were sharing, and losing my two cats, after too many failed attempts at landing a job. This was also right around the time that I was hospitalized for the first time in my life for panic attacks that worsened into catatonia and suicidal ideation.
I do not recommend experiencing all of that at the same time, by the way.
During this time, my brother was traveling for work, which meant weeks upon weeks of living alone with his ex. His passive aggressive, snarky, venomous, controlling woman of a girlfriend. Snippy questions like “Were you raised to be dirty?” whenever I forgot one day of cleaning the bathtub after a shower, or not folding the bag of cereal properly. There was an insult that was one too many, and one day, I thought Honestly, I would prefer to be on the streets. And that was that. I packed up a large duffel bag of stuff I thought I needed at the time (nice clothes for job interviews, snacks, books, notebooks for writing a story) stuff that would have totally marked me as an amateur homeless person. I gave my brother’s girlfriend a bullshit reason for leaving, that I was going to stay with my mother at the shelter she was staying at for the weekend, in case she tried to tell my brother and he and my mother would throw a fuss. With that, I lugged my heavy duffel bag on a bus and took my leave.
I rode it all the way to the city’s Uptown neighborhood, Plaza Midwood. I loved Plaza Midwood; still do, and I miss it to this day. A trendy little area full of activists and diversity, stickers of indie bands and musicians plastered on street signs, small businesses thriving in the face of their neighbor corporate businesses and chains, and the library just minutes away by foot; my favorite, besides said neighborhood library, was Petra’s piano bar that used to hold game night every week for patrons to just come in and play video games, from the classic Mario to the newest racing game. I killed it at a duck shooting game they had. Although I did look forward to being able to go to Petra’s more often for game night, I mainly picked Plaza Midwood because it was where I felt I would be the safest, and where I felt that I would be at home.
Of course, finding a place to camp out would be hard. I tried to find a spot in the park, but I was aware of police arresting homeless people who were staying in parks not designated for camping, and there were too many people in the park, anyway, and I would have drawn unwanted attention. So, I dragged my pack on down, scouting for places to rest, until I simply resigned myself to a bus shelter. There were plenty of people living in bus shelters in the heart of Uptown; it wasn’t easy, but it would work, and it would have to do until I figured out where I can squat that was away from the eyes of the public. I lied down on the concrete -- cold for the time of the year -- and secured my bag to me and tried to use it as a pillow. I covered the blanket over my face, a trick I learned on an old, tone-deaf episode of Tyra Banks about homelessness in which Tyra pretended to be homeless for a day or two. It was apparently to hide the identity so a person is less likely to be harassed or assaulted, physically or sexually. I had planned to sleep for only a couple hours before it grew dark, because I also knew that, as safe as Plaza Midwood was in my mind, I knew that it always became less safe at night no matter where one was. Except I couldn’t really sleep, not just because of the uncomfortable concrete I was sleeping on and the trash left behind at the bus stop, but my mind raced with what to do next.
I was going to use my library card to use the computers to apply for jobs, and then get some sleep in the library; I was going to land a job this time, probably at the nearby McDonalds, and save my money to get an apartment. I’ll wash up in my new job’s bathroom or the library’s bathroom, and make my meager food supply stretch until I can afford hot meals or go to shelters to eat, and if worse comes to worst, I’ll swallow my pride and eat from the garbage or beg like I’ve seen others do. All the while, I’ll craft my bestseller in my notebook. The fantasy of a scared hopeful only vaguely aware of predatory capitalism that all of us except the rich suffer under.
I was trying to remember survival tips I read on Tumblr when a man’s voice spoke up, “Excuse me, sir?” I pulled the blanket down to reply, and that was when I met Dave.
“Oh, sorry!” he said, explaining that he was just trying to be sure that I was okay and, honestly, I was in his usual camping spot.
Dave was a homeless person, just like homeless newbie me, but he was of course more experienced. I don’t know what it is about me that causes people to open up (my mother did say that I have a trusting face) but when I introduced myself, Dave opened up to me. Just... dumped everything on my lap. He talked about how he had been homeless for a few months, how he worked as a barber, how he had a friend and coworker that offered to let him set up a tent in his backyard (that Dave declined, and I don’t blame him because what the hell? Did the guy not have a guest bedroom or at least a sizable closet?) He asked about my mother, and teased about all three of us getting an apartment together and getting out of homelessness. Then, he offered to show me a place that he usually used to sleep at, and even carried my pack to there.
Looking back, I... was stupid to follow him. Thankfully, he hadn’t hurt me, but I had overly estimated my ability to fight back if he were inclined to hurt me. And he was making it pretty obvious that he had some of that interest in me. When he led me to the back of the warehouse center that he camped at, he dug in the dumpster for cardboard boxes, breaking them down and layering them to make into a pallet for us to sleep on. He convinced me to give him a back massage despite my discomfort, and that was thankfully as far as uncomfortable as it had went. We talked some more, about what, I don’t know, maybe about what I plan to do next, about why I left my family, and whether I should go back to them.
But before we could actually go to sleep, I received a phone call. Then another. Another and another until I knew that I couldn’t ignore it any longer, because there was only one person who would call me that incessantly, and who would throw a fit and burn the city to the ground if I don’t answer and let her know I was safe. I pulled the phone out of my pocket and checked the calls.
Of course, it was Mom.
I answered at the next call, and though she sounded calm, I could hear the threat of panic in her voice as she asked me where I was. And though I tried to lie to her at first, telling her that I was hanging out at a bar to be out of the house, she told me that my brother’s ex told her my plan to stay with her in the shelter for the weekend. Just like that, my plans unraveled.
I told her the truth: that I had ran away (which was a ridiculous notion, as someone who was in their early twenties at the time) and was squatting in the Plaza Midwood area. For some reason, Mom felt the need to put the call on three-way and include my brother, hundreds of miles away on his trucking route, and they both rightfully got into a cursing fit about my stupid plan that could have put me in danger, especially with how mentally and emotionally fragile I was. When the first call ended, I had told Dave that I had to go, and he agreed -- no use in sleeping on the streets when I had a nice couch to sleep on and a roof over my head. I offered him my food supply, since he was going to need it more than me, someone who had an address to go back to, and we carried my stuff back to the main street so the police that my mother called to pick me up would spot me.
It was, of course, embarrassing to come back to my brother’s home, having to explain to his ex what my true intentions were when I left. It was a tense few weeks after.
--
I believe I had written and shared this because homelessness is a constant fear in the back of my mind. As I’ve mentioned, I grew up in chronic homelessness: my family ended up in shelters and other people’s couches quite a few times, and when we were lucky to have our own home, infested with roaches as they were, sometimes right in the heart of neighborhoods where we went to sleep listening to the popping of guns, the threat of losing our home still lingered above us. I think about living on the streets especially now, since I have my own place, my name on the lease and everything. I think about how it would be if I were to end up like the very people I pass every day to work, how I could be priced out of my apartment and have to find shelter for winter and make the heartbreaking decision yet again to give up my pet, who is curled up on my calves as I write this. As it is my first time having a place of my own (unless college dorm rooms count, in which case, this is my second), my family is worried about me, and have explicit told me and still remind me to call them immediately before the worst happens.
Even with this backup plan and a support system, I still imagine myself homeless in the Twin Cities, being in the thick of drugs and violence and cold and sickness. I think about the countless flyers I put up for jobs and available apartments, about the spare change and dollars I give to these people despite not having much of my own, because this homeless endemic is a much bigger problem than impoverished me can solve. The fear of being homeless once again is the driving force of my selling clothes and my precious vinyl records and movies and books to have spare change on me, or when I deposit money in my savings account, money that I hope to move to Oslo with if the Republicans win, but will most likely be used to move back home if I lose my apartment. It’s why I pick up every penny on the street to put in the jar.
The constant fear of being homeless again is why I remember to dig for cardboard boxes to sleep on.
#essay#short story#short stories#writeblr#bookblr#writeblrcafe#confession#homelessness#mental illness#writerscreed#written word#story time#my writing#writers of tumblr#writers of ao3#spilled ink#rejects corner
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Azure Gleam - Chapter 5
Since I am literally going on a trip today, I am going to start doing chapter by chapter updates for now. Else updates will take a while. So I’ll post chapter 5 notes and answer some anons before I start my long drive....
Still working on the last part of my Golden Wildfire final review.
Has access to Gatekeeper’s paralogue
Sees level recommended
Lv130
Story
Lonato is very beloved by his people so they joined his cause by volunteering. However… they have no formal training. They will likely die
Cyril is here and… now he’s gone. Rhea is in a different city. :/ That sucks. At least Seteth and Flayn are here. And apparently, most of those in the other city are elderly.
Felix doesn’t really have a preference of a response to his words, but…. he’s still being a jerk. :/
Despite being busy, Dimitri still trains every day with his men
Duscur people are fighting with us, that’s cool
Mercedes points out
Petra likes it when you say the Empire will be there alongside Lonato (but it could just be she likes your honesty).
Someone killed an assassin who was going to kill Dimitri and hung his head out for all to see (… Dedue? Maybe? …. Not sure).
Count Rowe, the little weathervine
Dorothea appears in a side map
Similar map that we saw in SB, but kinda the other side this time.
So... why IS Dorothea here?
Miklan comes now?! Huh.... There wasn’t much build up for that.
“I’d never betray my duty to the Kingdom” Yeah, about that Ashe....
And Lonato is ded.
Not the most exciting chapter
Ah, so Dimitri hired Miklan. Even Felix is like wtf. Miklan’s father even trained him after they captured him, lol.
Dimitri has a point. They can’t rely on Relics forever or on them alone.
Lol, Miklan does NOT have a choice. And at least Sylvain got a say.
Yes, Dimitri’s reasoning isn’t undone, but Ingrid’s right that he still did the things he did, even if his life could have been different had he been born with a crest
Similar lesson here for Dimitri that Claude sort of had - “talk to your allies”. But not quite the same. “Let us in your scheme!” versus “don’t shoulder burdens on your own” are not equal
Byleth also was an enemy here, but it didn’t feel as impactful as the other routes yet. Or at least, not to me.
God DAMN it we lost Count Rowe again.
Hmm... Slithers?
Yup, Slithers.
Supports
Felix and Ingrid C- Felix carries around his bother’s spur. And he gives it to Ingrid? That’s sweet. And Glenn told Ingrid first about becoming a knight? Glenn…. He must have really looked forward to being her husband one day.
Felix and Rodrigue C - Interesting that Felix can’t force the lords under the his territory to do things. And wow, the music changed at a drop of a hat. Wow, Felix… calm the fuck down. Rodrigue LITERALLY did nothing wrong, he just said he raised two capable sons and you went off the handle.
Dedue and Petra C - It’s nice to see these two talk. Dimitri and Dedue taught each other their languages…. *cries a little* And Dimitri doesn’t want Petra to be neglected. Petra taught herself the language, and was made fun of by other nobles. Dedue as well, but Dimitri protected him from that and corrected him as he learned. *cries more*
Dedue and Shez C - Shez isn’t exactly a “newcomer” but ok. Dedue doesn’t really trust Shez, but he’s still nicer about it than Hubert was, anyways.
Felix and Sylvain C - I do like this support. Telling it as it is. Scolding each other and shit. I really am enjoying this more mature Sylvain. Confirms that Dimitri is reforming the social structure, and that they both need to support Dimitri.
Felix and Mercedes C - Yes, Felix. Why do you have a cat. Felix’s face was the best too. The devs watched the memes for sure for this one. also, if the Bartels killed that cat.... I riot. Felix, fuck, this was a cute one for you. The cat won’t stop following him!
Lots of cats supports in this came in general.
What do the devs have against dogs?
Flayn and Ashe C - Two cinnamon rolls talk. And fish.
Flayn, seeing the fish - *drools*
Books (as a reminder, these are not copied from the game word for word)
Old Letter Addressed to the Bishop
Written by Hans von Nilsson
... Not just my wife Claudia, who called the meeting, but all the women of House Daphnel seem to possess the same capable bravery and strong disposition to be renowned as “her”. You too are no exception.
Who could have imagined the Eastern Knights dissolving when Leicester is still so far from peace? Many lords understand your thinking and went along with the decision. However, you cannot ignore the series concerns others may have
Let our knights of our household be the Eastern Church’s shield, in place of the dissolved Eastern Knights, since you problem to abandon the sword but also abandon your shield as well.
If you accept, I believe you will avoid awkward inquisition from the archbishop, who has taken issue with your way of thinking. Also my wife, who considers you a sister, has been very concerned about you. Please consider my offer.
Traveler’s Journal I
Author is unknown, but they experienced the placed first hand.
Almyra
Great kingdom east of Foldan. Borders Leicester Alliance. The mountain range known as Foldan’s Throat acts as a dividing line.
The people have a strong legacy of horsemanship and relish the thrill of battle.
Rish in fertile prairies, desert, and mountain ranges.
Albinea
Continent northwest of Foldan. Has a frigid climate that is home to numerous rare and valuable species of flora and fauna.
Human population is very small due to intense cold and frozen earth, which is unsuitable to growing crops.
Morfis
Name of the metropolis of magic to the southeast of Foldan, as well as the boundless desert that surrounds it. In the distant past, it was called the City of Illusion.
Rumors of its profound and mysterious magic spread thanks to trading routes.
Dagda
Continent so the southwest of Foldan. It’s relatively unknown due to its extreme distance from Foldan. Some think it’s a tropical rain forest, others think it’s a giant, frozen plateau.
In truth, it’s so large it supports a large variety of terrain and climates.
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@txctical-pursuit said:
reverse [ pin ] [ kiss + soft ] For idk either Petra or Aversa doing this on m!Mark ig?
“Why Mark, darling, there you are! I’ve been looking all over for you, you know. She’d been more than a little interested in the cute tactician who often teamed up with Robin ever since he’d arrived in their world from the Outrealm, and now she’d finally caught him alone in his bedroom for the evening. She’d flirted and made shameless innuendos before but he’d not caught on. Time to give him something as blunt as possible to make him realize what exactly she was after.
Striding forward toward the bed, she soon, without much warning, pinned him to the bed, smirking as she stole a short kiss from his lips. “I’ve been trying to find some time to share alone with you, darling. I’d like to get to, well, let’s just say, I’d like to know you better, and I hope you want to know me better too. After all...” she shifted where she was atop him, bringing her huge chest with her exposed cleavage up to his face, “...there’s plenty about me to know, Mark. What do you say, Mark? Shall we spend all evening learning all the fine details of one another?” Her hands ran underneath his shirt, up his torso, and her voice was coated in silky-smooth seduction, inviting him to something of a more carnal nature.
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Etoile/Astarion aaand 99?
Thank you for the ask! What a silly, stupid, appropriate song for them. I don't think we'll actually get a clear cut ending to whatever's going on with the mindflayer worm, but I needed to put something together. Have some song lyrics, and then my writing below the cut. Reference to weird vampire dynamics / desires / daydreams?
.
Why do I try
When in your eyes, I just melt again
And you'd only stay until our tan lines match
Oh, it's over
In your, in your Range Rover
And I don't, don't know why I want you
But you look so pretty
When you're breaking me (down)
.
Astarion found Étoile in the the woods, less than five minutes from the source of their salvation. In the morning the ritual would be complete and their travelling band's illithid parasites would be removed. Étoile didn't need Astarion to tell them that he was leaving, their gaze, resigned and sympathetic, made plain their understanding.
The silence of their recognition buzzed like the flies on the wind, like the lonely birdsong in the trees. Sunlight filtered faded through the canopy, and Astarion found himself almost wishing it would rain; the sting of the water would have been fitting against his undead skin, and at least then his last memory of his companion would be in darkness.
"I had hoped we'd have achieved more," Étoile said, "before finding our solution."
"Your solution," Astarion said sharply. He raised a finger to articulate his point as he stepped forward, almost bitter but not quite, because he very simply did not believe the group was considering their options clearly for themselves.
Étoile's lips stretched in disappointment, their golden gaze flickering away as they sought a fitting goodbye, or perhaps a plea. They were not as hollowed as someone more emotional would be; even with their heart on their sleeve, not quite in tatters, Étoile was suitably composed. They clearly knew, as elves and other long-lived races did, how frequent endings were, how shattering, how temporary, how eternal.
Astarion would at least free them from the incremental distress of trying to find their words.
"I cannot stay," he said, in a tone that mocked the seriousness of the bridge they were abandoning between them. Yet his smile was genuine, with the self-assurance of having not lost himself to this rediscovery that Étoile's companionship had allowed him. He had learned what of him remained beneath Cazador's orders and his hatred, and more importantly found that his nature was unchanged; much as it might frustrate others, it was ... a comfort, one he could carry. "Lae'zel will be bound by her oaths and her honor to seek my end for having refused treatment for my parasite. And if I cannot be sure in defeating her at this juncture, then I am soundly unprepared for Cazador."
Étoile stalked closer, and Astarion didn't balk, but he did wonder whether at Étoile's current quiet indecision. He went on, "I have no reason to invite Lae'zel to follow you, by offering somewhere that we might meet, however far in the future."
"And you would never venture so far north as to find me when your goals are achieved ... or..." Étoile wrapped a careful hand around Astarion's elbow, warm and bracing. They shook their head, reestablishing themself and their fragile confidence, blossoming as Astarion rested a hand on the back of their forearm. "I'll try not to worry about you," they said instead. "You've come into yourself, and you're stronger now than you were. A dandy from Baldur's Gate."
"Battle hardened," Astarion agreed with a taunting smile, sharp teeth expressing his delight. "With your blood to thank."
"It would be appropriate if I sprouted tentacles for you to deal with in response to that," Étoile scoffed. Astarion pretended not to notice how the humor in their tone clashed with the unshed tears that crept upon them.
"It would be appropriate if I drained you here, lover, on my way into obscurity," Astarion said instead, picturing Wyll's confused outrage upon stumbling upon their corpse, and then the moments that would precede it, where Étoile's heart would jump in their chest, legs kicking out in desperation. "Would you even fight it?"
Astarion knew they would, and smiled about how Étoile's nose scrunched in discomfort.
"You will survive longer without me," Astarion said, lifting his hand to drift the backs of his knuckles upon their cheek. "And I thank you for not insulting me with empty promises about navigating another way to defeat my enemies, free of the worm."
He leaned in, barely, inviting Étoile to do the same as they had these long weeks, as if for a kiss, but in the instant they should have met, rogue- and vampire-like, he was gone.
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special ops squad analysis!
my thoughts on petra, oluo, eld, gunther, levi, and their overall dynamic! bullet point format for easy reading. all of it is based on the content we have of them in the games, manga, anime, and smartpasses. not super in depth, there is much more to them than this! junior high is also a really fun way to learn about their dynamic and their personalities, but i won’t touch on that for now!
you want pictures or clips? just ask!
• eld and gunther’s calm and rational thinking contrasts petra and oluo’s emotional side. gunther and eld are the brain, petra and oluo are the heart. levi is the brawn.
eld:
• eld is charismatic, loves teasing his fellow squad mates, but is serious and strict when necessary. he is a big brother figure and enjoys reminiscing about the past and his previous experiences with his squad. he often brings up petra and oluo’s first expedition, to embarrass them for the most part, but also because it brings him happiness to look back on those fond memories. he also has a confirmed 10/10 memory, it is included in his official stats.
• he is able to think of plans on the fly, seen when he fights the female titan after gunther dies. they are all able to communicate without a word, a skill that the rest of the soldiers lack.
• he has a loving girlfriend, she is referred to by petra as a girlfriend, not a sister or fiancée. whether they were engaged or not is not confirmed.
• he was chosen by levi ackerman as his second in command, meaning that eld is the leader when levi is absent. this implies that eld has a lot more responsibility than his squad mates. yet they all treat each other as equals.
• he believes that solo kills are not very important, nor is your kill count. he tells oluo this. eld believes that teamwork is the most important skill to have.
• he is very proud of his beard. irrelevant but still necessary to mention
• he is blunt and straight forward with a strong sense of duty, even if he seems laidback.
• when eren transformed, he was on guard and ready to strike, but he was mostly focused on eren’s reason for transforming. eld is intuitive and likes to make well educated decisions before acting upon them.
gunther:
• he is still kind and warm, but more strict and less laidback than eld.
• he is logical and thorough, taking charge of the team during the 57th expedition after they parted with levi.
• he has leadership qualities, levi trusts him to lead his team like he does with eld
• when eren transformed, he went straight to asking for evidence that eren was on their side and asking about his true intentions. he is logical and wants to know as much as he can about the enemy and his situation. he doubts that eren had bad intentions, but needs to know just the same. levi doesn’t reprimand him and eld for their questions, just telling them to relax. he trusts their logic and doesn’t seem to disagree with their methods. he most likely recruited them for their logical thinking.
petra
• she is temperamental and fiery. when the captain’s trust in her and her teammates is questioned, she rushes to defend the captain and her squad.
• she is passionate and devoted. when writing to her father in aot2, she says that she would do anything for levi, that no mission is too dangerous.
• her letter to her father was meant to reassure him that she was safe. “i am in the best of hands,” she says. this means she chose this path against her father’s wishes. her father reluctantly supported her, it is clear. but petra chose this path for herself, she is ambitious and stubborn.
• it is said that she enjoys acting as a guide for the younger recruits, this is demonstrated when she talks with eren. she is the first to make an effort to make him feel welcome, she extends her help after such a traumatizing situation for him. she is empathetic and thoughtful. she knew what eren needed and was there for him without hesitation. she was the one to convince eren to trust their squad and the survey corps, he trusted her to such an extent that he let them put themselves in harms way to protect him. it says a lot about petra as a person and how she behaves with others.
• aside from Levi, she respects her superiors, often scolding her friend Oluo for badmouthing Hanji. e.g, she elbows him when he insults them after Sawney and Bean died.
• she is loving. she knows exactly what levi would want for his birthday, she knows his taste. she would stay up at night chatting with him over a cup of tea. he trusted her enough to let her watch over him as he slept. during their first meeting, she put a lot of effort into her appearance, to make herself look tidy and pretty. her father uses “惚気” to describe how petra would speak about levi. she held him in high esteem, she loved him.
• she is observant towards those she loves. when she gossips about the captain to eren, she talks about his backstory, his flaws, all with a smile. she talks about how he respects the chain of command, how many people misunderstand him. she focuses on who levi is beyond the surface, beyond his harsh exterior. her song, ‘souyoku no hikari’ shows this as well. she talks about her romantic feelings for levi, how she wishes someone could carry him like he carries everyone else. she wants to be able to help him the way he helps her. and talks about how kind he is deep down beyond his icy appearance. it is clear that she understands levi more than those around him do.
• petra did not resort to interrogating eren when he transformed, rather she focused on her captain. she wants him to stand back where it is safe. even though he is humanity’s strongest, she feels such a strong need to protect him. we see this many times in the game, and when she calls out to him during their debut episode. we also see this in her official song.
• she is playful. even though oluo’s jokes anger her, she often joins in with eld and gunther when they tease him or poke fun at his persona.
• her empathy is strong, she feels emotions very strongly. when eld died, she froze in fear and shock. she was devastated, seeing both of her dearest friends (and leaders) dying in front of her. she was able to figure out the female titan’s trick, but she was too late to act, as she was scared and filled with grief.
• her kindness and passion are her most notable features, as she has a 10/10 in kindness and a 9/10 in teamwork. she is very friendly and cooperative, she is good at following orders. i believe it is only a 9/10 because of her stubbornness, she has strong opinions and ambition, this might interfere with her ability to cooperate well at times
oluo
• he has many solo kills and often brags about it. he disagrees with eld and believes that solo kills are more important than assists. this shows that he isn’t as great in a team as his peers and prefers working alone, whether it be for glory or needing independence (maybe stemming from being from a big family), but he can still carry out orders when needed.
• he tries to act how he perceives levi to be (out of devotion towards him): good at everything, proud, handsome. he really does admire levi just as much as petra (whether it’s romantically or platonically is up to the reader’s interpretation i suppose!)
• he is very outspoken and self confident. and levi himself does not disapprove of oluo’s attempts to mimic him. he compliments his cravat as well.
• it is implied that oluo does this because he seeks the attention that petra shows levi.
• petra talks about oluo’s new persona and reminisces about how he used to be, implying that this is a new change. his peers don’t take it seriously.
• he quickly accepts levi’s orders and does exactly what he says without question. he shows great discipline during battle and never lost sight of his objective, even after gunther and eld were murdered.
• he has a 10/10 in insults, he called the female titan a ‘slut’. this is not important, but it is one of my favourite things about him.
• he has a 5/10 in teamwork, he lacks the ability to cooperate well but he does have discipline and knows when he has to work with his team. he knows the importance of it just like eld does.
• he has a 9/10 in combat, this is his strongest asset which allows him to be compared to levi himself. levi most likely recruited him for this.
• oluo, like petra, is passionate. he rashly threatened to kill eren when he transformed, unlike the others. he—understandably—did not trust him.
• levi has saved him before (and most likely again before that) in one of the OVAs about Ilse. oluo aspires to be just like the man who saved him. he admires him and in response to levi’s kindness, he feels like he must work hard to become the best he can.
they all compliment each other well and have a very close bond. they are the strongest, trained by levi himself. no one can doubt their skill. their more human moments show us that there is more to them than being the strongest soldiers. they are very useful and had a big impact on the story! lets respect the minor characters and talk about them more <3
#shingeki no kyojin#attack on titan#snk#aot#petra ral#levi ackerman#captain levi#levi heichou#eld jinn#gunther schultz#oluo bozado#auruo bossard#marie analysis
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Stuck on You (Levi Ackerman x Childhood Friend! Reader)
A/N: Hi, guys! I just want to preface by saying that this is a TWO (maybe a three if i decide to write an epilogue drabble) PART SERIES, and I have just a few more scenes to write before I can post it! I don’t expect this one to do so well, to be honest, but it’s been so long since I’ve written anything I’m proud of and I think I’m happy with how this turned out. So yes, stay tuned for part 2 which i will link at the end once it is posted. Hope you enjoy!
Warnings: Angst, season one/no regrets ova spoilers
Word Count: 3.5k
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
5 years ago
“Why is it that you always seem to be on my case the most?” Your frustration was obvious and your patience dissipated, feet shuffling in their spot as you finally turned to face him. “You never nag Isabel this much.”
For a moment, Levi didn’t respond, scanning your body for injuries. After asserting that you were indeed okay, he stepped over the unconscious man who laid on the ground, jaw set in anger as he walked forwards until he was so close you had to tilt your head slightly to keep eye contact.
Your snappy behavior was uncharacteristic. It only fueled his temper. The raven shook his head in disapproval, trying to keep his anger in check as you glared at him defiantly.
“Isabel doesn’t make such careless mistakes,” he pointed out coldly. “You almost got yourself hurt, (Y/N)! What would you have done if I hadn’t shown up to cover your ass?”
The both of you stood there in silence for several minutes, gazing at each other and listening to your uneven breathing. His face, unlike so many others, never really did reveal everything he was thinking. Feeling. You were dared to search for something else in his steady gaze besides disappointment, but for once, you could not tell what you saw. It was infuriating, humiliating, and hurtful.
“Sometimes I wonder if there’s even a brain inside your thick fucking skull.”
His harsh words didn’t normally cut you, but this time you flinched, looking away from Levi as all the fight drained out of you.
Wearing your jewelry out at night was a careless mistake, that you could admit. What was hard to swallow was the fact that you had just been mugged, and nearly assaulted, yet all Levi could do was find the time to scold you, not seeming to care at all if you were shaken up by what happened.
It didn’t scare you that the other man’s hands found their way onto your skin. It didn’t scare you that something bad could have happened had Levi not knocked him out. You weren’t afraid of any of it; you were afraid that all the raven-haired man could see you for were your mistakes.
“So you think I’m a burden then?” you asked, choking up.
Your change in tone caught Levi’s attention. You suddenly looked smaller, and more vulnerable than the last time he looked at you. He sighed again, shaking his head softly. It took all your strength not to shy away from his fingers as they threaded through your hair, stopping on your shoulder and tugging you against him. You let Levi do it nonetheless, knowing this was his way of saying sorry; knowing this was his way of saying: “I’m tough on you because I don’t know what I’d do if I lost you.”
You pressed your ear against his beating heart, letting the sound soothe you.
“No, brat. I don’t think that. Let’s just go home, and forget about it,” his voice was more gentle this time.
You sniffled and nodded, chest bursting as Levi placed a feather light kiss on the top of your head.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You never thought you’d miss the Underground. Especially when taking into consideration the miserable days after Levi, Isabel, and Farlan took that fateful deal, and were forced to leave you behind.
Your feelings on the matter were conflicted, of course, but you were relieved and happy that the people who mattered most had such a big opportunity. They didn’t need to see you crying, nor hear about how scared you were to be by yourself. Each one deserved better than that, so you put on a brave face as they reassured you over and over that they’d come back. You beamed as brightly as you could, sending them off with words of encouragement as you continued fighting off the lingering feeling of dread as they left.
You didn’t want to be a nuisance. Never wanted to be the reason they’d hold themselves back.
Although he didn’t show it, Levi took it the hardest. He implored you to stay alive, in a scolding tone that he only ever used when he was worried. You could hold your own, but weren’t a fighter like the other three. The stern male had only ever been thankful of your gentle nature in the past, surprised to be cursing it now that he couldn’t protect you. But for him, you’d try your hardest, knowing that with a little faith and patience, you could be reunited in the future.
The goodbye had been bittersweet, your lips slotting against his for the very first time. In a way, the way he kissed you seemed more like a promise than a farewell. His arms were wrapped around you all night, warmth lulling you to a sleep that otherwise, would never have been able to claim you.
Parting afterwards the following morning became all the more difficult because of it.
When Levi pulled a few strings with his newfound respected status and got the military to sponsor your citizenship, you were over the moon. Becoming a soldier was the last thing you expected out of your life, but wherever Levi and the others went, you would gladly follow. You felt at home again, throwing your arms around the man for the first time in months and giggling at the fact that while he accepted the gesture and patted your head awkwardly, his lack of affection never changed.
But you were quickly learning that the ideological existence that lived right above your head was just an illusion. You came only to find your friends dead, and Levi more closed off to you than he’d ever been before. Up here, things were far from perfect, and as time went on, you instead yearned for the past if only to appreciate it better a second time around. And although things slowly got better, life was not yet finished throwing its hardships your way.
The last person you had left slowly became out of reach, as time apart inevitably distanced the two of you and gave someone else the opportunity to fill that hole in his heart.
Reality, you found, was much crueler under the blue of the sky.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“You don’t have to deny it, Levi. I know you better than anyone. I see the way you look at her,” you whispered, wringing your hands together in a feeble attempt to rid of the painful churn in your stomach. “I see it because you used to look at me that way.”
It was admirable, at least, the effort you put in to keep your voice even. But the silence that followed those broken words was pitiful. The silence made it even more difficult to meet the gaze of the man in front of you. Levi had every opportunity to deny the truth of your burning statement; to bring you back into his arms and reaffirm his love like he used to. Like he would if maybe things were different.
You knew, he had no desire to do that now. Instead, the Captain’s eyes screwed shut and a light sigh escaped his perfect lips, the warmth of it tingling your skin. It was nostalgic, almost, being alone with Levi like this. His face was nearer to yours then it had been in months, enough so that you could make out every tiny detail. The irony of it seemed mocking: for once, you couldn’t bear to look at him. Not that you needed to, with every feature of his sure to forever haunt your memory.
But now all you could see were the interactions they had. Your vision consisted of watching as their bond and understanding grew. It was created in such a short amount of time, but hardly unpredictable with the amount of time Levi and Petra spent together. Even if Levi himself had not realized it, for you, it was plain as day. You knew him better than anyone. Could see that there was no pain in Levi’s eyes when he looked at her. Afterall, unlike you, Petra wasn’t a painful reminder of the past.
Despite his physical closeness, this was the most detached you’ve ever felt from the male. The space between you was strange and unfamiliar. Lonely and cold.
At your words, he exhaled through his nostrils.
“I would never be unfaithful, (Y/N). I never have been,” he spoke firmly, in that certain tone of speaking only he could manage. “I promised I would never leave you.”
A tear spilled down your cheek, despite your best brave face. It was too much to handle, even for a calloused girl like you. Because despite everything, Levi had always been there. It seemed scary to have life any other way.
Said man took your hand gently, handling it like porcelain. It wasn’t until his skin touched yours that you realized your fingers were shaking, and your facade was crumbling. His gesture was another reminder of what once was. The familiarity of his skin a testament to all the time spent simply existing with one another.
How did it come to this?
“A lot has changed since then, it seems,” you laughed softly, for once pulling away from his touch. “I bet you can’t even look at me without thinking about those two, huh?”
You never once thought it was his fault. Even if you told him that, you knew Levi would always take accountability. Knew he would blame himself for taking Isabel and Farlan away from you. You should have seen this coming. It was inevitable that your love would be tainted, and that he’d find it somewhere else, even if it was unintentional.
“(Y/N), wait—“ there was a small panic that awoke in the raven’s steely eyes that only those who truly knew him would be able to detect.
“—You know how I feel about you, don't you? I want to be the one who you'd wake up next to every morning. The person you'd trust enough to spill all your secrets to, the one you want to hold close, the one who would make it hurt too much to ever let go. I want to be the person who can make you smile, or laugh until you can't breathe. Your first and last thought of the day, and the one you wonder about even when they’re not around.”
You swallowed a whimper, fists clenched at your sides as your restraint came undone. It was all you’d ever wanted since you were small and starving and Levi was all you had to hold onto.
"But more than anything I want you to be happy. You deserve it.”
And because that’s how much I love you.
“I’d spent the rest of my life with you, if you asked me to,” the stoic Captain stated, as simply and mindlessly as if reciting the weather.
You knew it was true. You also knew better than to let your mind wander to that fantasy, or to let a world come into fruition in which you stopped Levi from pursuing his happiness; held back simply because his loyalty knew no bounds. You refused to be that selfish. You’d rather die a miserable death, a thousand times over. Rather endure this anguish for as long as it resided in your heart then watch his indifference turn to hatred as years of a one-sided relationship droned on and on.
He doesn’t want you anymore.
“I know, Levi.” You paused for a long moment. “Petra's wonderful. I don't hate either of you, I want you to remember that."
You wrapped your arms around yourself, trying desperately to forget the feeling of Levi’s lips on your skin, your face against his chest. The warmth between your ribs or the butterflies in your stomach, or the fireworks of passion that only he could make you feel. Tried to forget the rare but special, secret words of affirmation only your ears got to hear, and the goosebumps they’d send across your skin.
You wanted to erase it all, if only to make it easier to walk away with the knowledge you’d never feel any of that again.
It was pathetic.
There wasn’t anything left to be said. So with the task near impossible, looked at your lover, your best friend, your rock, your Levi, and turned away.
You only managed three steps before a voice followed you and a hand closed around your wrist.
“Is this what you want?” He sounded apathetic, but you knew better. His underlying worry only made the pain feel worse.
“I don’t know.” At the very least, you were honest.
"Will I see you again?"
As adaptable as he was, Levi was never a fan of the unconventionality that was “change.” He was never surprised, quick to go with the flow, even if he preferred certainty and steadiness.
This conversation, though, was one he never expected.
"Of course," you forced a tiny smile, knowing it was more convincing than it felt. "I just need a breather. I'll be back for dinner." The words tasted bitter in your mouth.
That was the first and only lie you'd ever tell Levi Ackerman, having handed in your resignation papers to Erwin just yesterday.
Forgive me, Levi.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Snow fluttered down from the sky, coating the local shops and roofs of buildings with a thick, white blanket. Merchants and store owners alike grumbled their disapproval, bustling to sweep the front of their shops. The air was crisp and biting, yet you relished in the feeling and absorbed the atmosphere. Drunk garrison soldiers loitered around merrily, cheeks flushed from alcohol, catching the flakes in their hair and occasionally slipping on hidden ice in their drunken stupor. It made you chuckle softly, the residences of Wall Roses’ inconvenience the source of your contentment-- this was your first time seeing snow, the real thing a thousand times better than anything you read about in any book.
You strolled through the marketplace, a basket holding bread, dried meats, cheese, and several fruits resting in the crook of your elbow. Your coin purse felt lighter than it had that morning, yet you carried on nonetheless, curious as to what Wall Rose had to offer. Children ran past you, throwing snowballs at each other and nearly running into you because of their haste. The sight made you grin as one of them bumped into one of the street market’s booths, knocking over a few items as he went.
The woman behind the counter chastised them, her shouts growing louder when they barely spared her a glance and blended into the crowd of shoppers. Nick nacks and books were left scattered in their wake, askew on the cobblestone ground.
“Need help, ma’am?,” you asked her, picking up the objects from the ground.
“Thank you, dearie,” she sighed gratefully, taking them from your hands. “Kids these days, so reckless and always in such a hurry.”
You laughed airily, mirth swimming in your eyes.
“You’re just lucky they didn’t steal anything,” you joked, reminiscing about your own thieving past. Your attention turned towards the noting the soldiers now dozing off on top of their card table nearby, tutting their behavior lightheartedly. “Levi, if only the police were like that back when we--”
Out of habit, you turned around to meet his gaze, heart clenching when you remembered he wasn’t there. Your fists clenched to prevent you from smacking yourself at your carelessness. He’s not here, dumbass.
“What was that, hun?” the woman behind the counter inquired, preoccupied in sorting her things.
You put on your best smile, shaking your head before your thoughts could fill with images of a certain raven-haired, steele-eyed, heart-stopping male. The back of your eyes stung, the momentary joy of your first real winter quickly fading away.
“Nothing important.”
This is for the best, (Y/N). You’ve only ever gotten in the way, his whole life. Let the man be.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It had been a few years since that last encounter with him. Part of you still wondered if Levi tried looking for you after realizing your true intentions of never coming back. You hoped he didn't, imagining instead that he'd made the most of the opportunity you'd given him. Prayed that it wasn't all for naught and he instead pursued what (or who) truly made him happy, instead of worrying about other people. In truth, you became content with life, learning to look back on memories fondly and being thankful for their existence.
Residing above ground was enough reason to be grateful in itself, and you did your best to make the most of it. Your days were now spent in ways that paid tribute to your humble beginnings: individuals from the underground who managed to secure citizenship to the surface were put into your care. You helped men, women, and children alike assimilate into living on the surface, which included introducing the area, and assisting in finding housing and jobs. It was rewarding work, but more than anything, reminiscent to be able to see the wonder when their eyes meet the clouds for the very first time. The flickers of hope from your clients were things you carried with you every day. Your chosen profession left plenty of free time, however, as it was relatively rare for individuals to pay the hefty toll of climbing up those stairs.
Your life was average, and for the most part, uneventful. The quietness that accompanied mediocrity proved to be comforting, however. It was a far cry from the days of constantly looking over your shoulder and needing to carry a knife in your boot, just in case.
At first, it was difficult not to cry at the thought of the stoic, raven-haired Ackerman. The heartache weighed down in your chest for a good amount of time. The simplest things reminded you of Levi, but after a while, instances where he’d cross your mind became fewer and further between. With a nicer home than anything you previously owned, a livable income, and an overall peaceful existence, you didn’t have any regrets.
At least, that was what you told yourself until you heard the news.
On off days you worked as a waitress at one of the many taverns within Wall Rose. Large tips were one of the many perks that drew you in originally. The chatter of the customers and frequent bar-goers was a welcome ambience, and an opportunity for you to combat the occasional feeling of loneliness.
Occasionally, Scout Regiment gossip would filter through, especially about Humanity’s Strongest and the new titan shifter Eren Jeager. Updates were nice, knowing Levi was safe and thriving in what he did best. But as you placed a pint of beer on one of the tables and overheard a heavy set man babble loudly to his comrade, dread splashed over you in waves.
“The Captain was the only survivor in his squad. He wasn’t even with them when it happened, poor guy. He must feel terribly guilty.”
Your vision became hazy as you tried not to panic; of all the rumours that filtered through the drunk mouths of customers, you had never heard bad news like this before. The last you’d heard, human kind was given a beacon of hope, and things were looking up after Eren Jaeger managed to plug up the hole in Trost.
“Excuse me, but which squad did you say this happened to?” you heard your voice say.
Across the table, the other man took a swig of his drink, and grunted indignantly.
“Levi Squad, the best in the military I heard. A shame, but I suppose even the top in the Survey Corps are still just suicidal maniacs when it comes down to it.”
No, no, no, no. This wasn’t supposed to happen!
After that, everything became white noise. You could only register every third movement, heart thundering in your ears. The tray you’d been holding to carry the drinks clattered as it fell to the ground, causing a few gasps and strange looks to be thrown in your direction. In your horrified state, dread weighed down like lead in your body. You rushed to the back room, tears clouding your vision as you tried not to stumble.
You gripped the edges of the washroom sink, dizzy with this newfound information.
Levi has now lost more people that he loved, and was probably experiencing the same survivor’s guilt as he did with Isabel and Farlan. He was most likely suffering alone right now, never having been one to let people see his vulnerability so easily.
You did not witness first hand what your friends’ deaths meant to him. When the Captain waited for you at the top of the staircase, his expression never seemed out of the ordinary. Levi was kind enough to let you enjoy your first few days up with him simply enjoying the newfound freedom. He made the excuse that your two other comrades were out on business somewhere, and would be back to see you soon. Maybe, at the time, your excitement blinded you from the deeper emotions hidden in his voice.
When you found out the truth, their passing broke you. The fact that Levi shouldered any blame, however, is what twisted the knife. He had been grieving by himself; feeling that pain without anyone to comfort him. He had to put on a brave face just to see you; secretly spending that last month alone, probably relaying over and over how he would break the news to you.
Your remorse increased tenfold when it was him who held you, and him who put you back together, just like he had to for himself. And now he was by himself all over again.
I have to do something.
Splashing water on your face, you straightened up and looked in the mirror, a sudden surge of guilt coursing through your veins.
You refused to let Levi be alone this time around, no matter how he might feel about you now.
~~~~~~~
Part Two!
#snk levi#levi#levi ackerman imagine#levi ackerman gif#levi ackerman fanfiction#levi ackerman x reader#levi ackerman#AoT#attack on titan imagines#attack on titan#shingeki no kyojin#snk#snk fic#aot fic#levi x reader
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