- Half Xmas / Half Pride -

(I wrote this story last year as a gift for my sib. I love to write but I usually don't touch other characters and therefore I don't write FFs. It's just some slapstick xmas kitsch, but I hope it's fun to read.)

Everything started in Seoul, South Korea. With the announcement of the birth of an idol baby. After that, idols began popping up all over the world. The reason for this was... BTS. While it has been claimed for decades that music has the ability to influence newborns, there is now proof. Almost every day during their pregnancy, mothers listened to BTS. At this time, idols make up 80% of the world's population.

Only a small percentage of them go on to become professional idols. People with various talents use the term, some focus on acting or modeling, while others work on their careers as singers or join a band.

Shouto opened the last door of his advent calendar. A familiar voice said, "Christmas is here!" The chocolate wrap was shaped like All Might dressed up as Santa Claus and grinned widely at Shouto. He took it out of the package and put the little chocolate man into his mouth. As the chocolate melted, he remembered what Izuku had told him a few days ago.

All Might would celebrate christmas with Izuku and his mother. This was the reason why he wouldn't come over to the Todoroki's today. Shouto realized, that All Might would literally be joining them. He wasn't sure if Izuku's surname would remain Midoriya or be changed to Yagi. Izuku didn't tell him, so he didn't ask.

All Might seemed to be more centered on starting a family now that he had lost too much weight. All his jobs were taken by All for One. The head of the LOV did not only take the roles of All Might, but he also auditioned for almost every other role that might have been available. He got most of his roles simply because people were too afraid to turn him down.

All for One was the owner of an indie agency where every single employee had a criminal record. Some were sentenced for minor offenses, such as Shuichi's driving without a license conviction, while others were serial killers.

Shouto paused when the doorbell rang. He waited until the doorbell rang again because no one had answered. The faces of the three men in front of him, none of whom were dressed for the holidays, were familiar to him. He knew he shouldn't let those guys in and was considering whether he should just shut the door.

"Happy Pride, Shouto!" Those were the magic words when he decided to listen to those guys. His father was famous, so he wasn't surprised that the man with the crazy expression in his eyes recognized him.

"Happy Pride", Shouto replied, because Pride should be celebrated every day, "Aren't you with the league of vegans?". However, he couldn't recall the names of these people. "Vegetarians," the guy with scars corrected, "though I'm actually a Flexitarian."

For a brief moment, Shouto considered whether piercings on his burn mark would be suitable. The thought was quickly forgotten because the guy appeared to be more insane than fashionable, and Shouto was rather unconcerned about his appearance.

Another crazed individual stood next to the lunatic person who had wished him happy pride. With his own hand, the other guy shielded his face. "Are you ok?" Shouto asked, despite the fact that none of the group seemed to be ok. "No, I'm vegan," the man replied, scratching his skin with his hand before hiding his face once more.

"We decided to come over because the rainbow snowflakes on your house looked inviting. Furthermore, this gentleman wanted to meet your father. He might have a kink for Dilfs. By the way, my name is Mr. Complex "… Shouto just nodded, because this guy talked a lot but seemed to be the friendliest of the three. Or at least less insane than his friends, since he named himself after his problem, if the mask wasn't hinting enough.

Shouto's outfit was complimented by the man who had his hand in front of his face, "Nice sweater.""Thanks," Shouto said, unsure how much of it the man could see. Maybe a Santa hat, but not the white cat with blinking lights all around it.

"SHOUTO!!! Have your friends arrived yet? ", his father asked from inside the house. Shouto was unsure about letting them in, but as soon as Enji approached him, he began walking away. His dad should deal with them if they were looking for trouble. It was also embarrassing to be near his father, who had bought himself and was wearing a sweater that read "World's Best Dad." Shouto waited a few seconds longer when he noticed that the guy who didn't cover his face took his phone out of his pocket and began filming.

"Yo guys, check this out, Endeavor's house ... Or should I say, Todoroki Enji's?". "How do you know my name?". Before going to his room, Shouto said, "... Everyone who has ever googled you knows it." He shut the door behind him and checked his phone to see if Eijiro had sent him a message.

He hadn't, but Momo sent him a video message wishing him a happy holiday season. She appeared to be in a good mood and moved the camera slightly to demonstrate that she was with Kyouka and Mina. It made him happy to see his friends having a good time, and he hoped that inviting his gayest friend over was a good idea.

When he was still a little chick and looked up to Endeavor, he would've never imagined ever spending Christmas at the Todoroki house. Although Enji was a bad parent, he was still a good role model... aside from parenting. Only a few parents managed to do a worse job than him. It might be ok for Keigo to be excited about spending Christmas with his idol's family if his kids were willing to forgive him.

It was easy to convince his boyfriend to join the Todorokis because he seemed unconcerned about their plans. Now that it was Christmas evening, Tsunagu had second thoughts...

Starting with his clothing, as Keigo had asked him to choose between red and green denim. In the end, he chose red and appeared unhappy with Keigo's choice of clothing

"Where's your holiday outfit?" Tsunagu asked, not wanting to make a fool of himself while everyone else was dressed casually. Keigo grinned as he opened his jacket to show his Tshirt, which read, "On the naughty list. And I regret nothing."

After a few minutes, they went outside, but Tsunagu was stopped by Keigo as he was about to open his Maserati. "This is our drive for today..." Keigo said, gesturing to a KFC truck parked nearby.

"Is this really necessary?" ,"Yes, it is. It's tradition! ", Keigo insisted. "We had KFC last year, but...Don't you think this is a bit too much?", "It's tradition", he'd paid for it, there was no way he'd just let the truck go.

"Wanna jump the fuck in?" Taishiro asked from inside the truck and pointed to the passenger seats. Tsunagu was never angry, but he did seem irritated as he gave Keigo a long look and asked, "Did you...?". Keigo proudly nodded and said, "Yes, I did." If Tsunagu wanted a more mature boyfriend, he should not have chosen a guy who enjoyed teasing everyone around him.

"We're going to a fancy restaurant for New Year's Eve dinner. Deal? "asked Keigo, the older idol to simply play along. "Do you consider KFC a fancy restaurant?", "You got me. You can chose", it wasn't fun to fool someone who could read him so well.

When Tsunagu jumped into the passenger seat, he asked, "How much did he pay you?". "Your boo said I could get all those sweet leftovers. An extra large Magic bag is a damn good deal", Taishiro answered back cheerfully.

Tsunagu looked at his boyfriend, puzzled, and wondered, "What's with all the swearing?". "Kansai Ben?" Keigo simply shrugged.

While Keigo and Tsunagu were on their way, Shouto checked to see if Fuyumi wanted some help. She was cooking for a group of at least ten people. Even more so, given the League of Vegetarians' selfinvitation. Natsuo assisted her, but there was still a lot of work to be done.

"I'm almost done with the cake, but I'm going to need a lot of cream. If you could just beat the butter ... "

Fuyumi wore a beautiful ice blue dress today and had her hair was tied up with snowflake clasps, making her look like an ice queen.

Shouto had no idea how it was done, but he grabbed a bowl and a pack of butter anyway. The melody of "BTS' Butter" played in his head, but he didn't sing along.

For a moment, he just stared at the butter inside the bowl and wasn't sure how he should do it. Then he started hitting the butter. 

"OH MY GOD, GET OUT, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?" Fuyumi slammed the door behind him and kicked him out.

"How sad, Todoroki Shouto," the crazy gay guy mocked him.

"Can you tell me your name?". Shouto was curious because he believed it was unfair for the man to know all of the Todoroki names.

"You know it already...," the man said as he continued filming. He double checked that his face was visible, but also that Shouto's face was recognizable.

He replied, "It's Touya". "That's...," Shouto said, unsure if this guy was trying to make fun of him. "Your brother's name. I know. That's me ... I'm your brother", Touya wrapped his arms around his younger sibling.

"No fun for you, just pain," Touya said as he held Shouto so close to him that his brother almost gasped for air.

"Are you doing it again? Your father is already on the verge of a nervous breakdown", Touya's phone was taken away by Mr Complex before he began filming himself.

"I've also got an announcement to make... I'm... rather handsome," he said as he removed his mask in front of the camera.

"Gonna change your name?" Touya asked the other vegetarian as he let go of Shouto. "Yes, you can call me Atsuhiro."

As soon as the truck started driving, Keigo put on a playlist titled "Caraiko," and they were in for a few minutes of carpool karaoke. In their massive movable karaoke box, Keigo and Taishiro sang loudly to a mixture of K-Pop songs and Enka. Tsunagu just softly hummed the melody of "Baka Mitai" instead of singing along.

Taishiro slowed down when they spotted a familiar couple. "Where are you going?", asked Keigo and leaned out of the window. One of the teens was dressed in a red and silver suit, while the other was dressed in a black and gold suit.

When Eijiro saw the idols, he smiled brightly, but when he saw their car, he raised an eyebrow. "We're going to Shouto's place", he replied, curious if Hawks had signed a KFC contract.

"We're heading in the same direction. Want to join us?", asked Keigo.

"I'M NOT GETTING IN THAT THING!!!" Katsuki said, politely declining the offer. After all, Eijiro had warned him that if he didn't act nice today, he wouldn't be able to meet Eijiro's parents. Katsuki viewed it as a test, and he didn't want to fail.

Tsunagu locked his gaze on Katsuki before he raised his hand and tuned down an invisible radio. 

" ... !!", said Katsuki.

"What did you say?" Tsunagu asked, raising the volume slightly.

"I said, we're walking", Katsuki repeated.

Keigo and Tsunagu exchanged looks before leaving the truck to join Eijiro and Katsuki. They had almost arrived at the Todoroki house anyway.

Eijiro whispered to Tsunagu, "How did you do that?" and repeated the dialing gestures.

"During his time at the House of Genius, I told him that I'd just shut him down if he was getting on my nerves. It's still working", Tsunagu replied.

"I didn't know you could ever be annoyed," Keigo said to his boyfriend. "Don't test my patience," Tsunagu said, hoping Keigo wouldn't think of new ways to put him to the test. If he did, Tsunagu would have to eventually let the bird fly.

Keigo just made a defensive move by raising his hands. He would never do such a thing.

Taishiro was already waiting and emptying the truck when they arrived at the house. Tomura lent him a hand, so did the former Mr Complex. 

"You know, though eating meat is a form of second hand murder, it's socially acceptable, but if I ... ", "Look over there!", Atsuhiro yelled, pointing in a random direction, to keep Tomura from talking himself into trouble.

Touya was the only one of them who could eat the contents of the boxes, but he was too obsessed with filming himself.

Shouto sat in the living room, next to the brightly decorated Christmas tree and a fireplace screensaver on TV. A black cat was soundly sleeping on his lap.

He had just fed the cat yesterday after he found it in their garden. When he returned inside, the cat had simply followed him and decided to make his home in the big house. This was not the first time something similar had happened.

While he was stroking the soft fur, he thought about what had just happened today.

Fuyumi had never screamed at him or slammed the door shut behind him. It made him uncomfortable, so he decided to text Momo.

Momo thought that his sister was probably stressed out because she wanted to prepare a perfect dinner for their visitors. He shouldn't think too much about it, but he should apologize later.

Shouto didn't want to wait and wasn't sure if he'd be allowed in the kitchen either, so he just texted her instead: I apologize for your stress.

"I told you!" Katsuki exclaimed as Tsunagu took off his shoes. "He's just fake tall!"

Eijiro viewed Tsunagu with admiration before turning his gaze to his shoes "You're wearing heels? That's so manly of you!"

Tsunagu was still quite large, but not enough to peer over Keigo's head.

"Do you have your pills?", Tsunagu asked when he assisted his boyfriend in hanging his jacket on the coat hook. The spot seemed to have been designed for someone taller than 6'5".

"Don't worry. I'll be fine", Keigo replied as he looked around. He'd been here before, but this time the house was decorated with lights and ornaments, as if copied and pasted from an American Christmas movie.

Natsuo had let them in and directed them to the dining room. He wasn't wearing an ugly sweater like his father or younger brother, but a Santa hoodie. "If you're waiting for Dad, you'll have to wait a little longer," he apologized to Keigo. "No problem," Keigo said smilingly. "He's a busy man."

Natsuo didn't want to ruin the mood, so he decided not to bring up the fact that Enji was having a crisis. He was unconcerned, just like his brothers.

Shouto joined them and was relieved that Fuyumi had found him work to help make up for the cream mess.

"Would you like some juice?" he asked, holding a tablet with champagne glasses in his hand. The liquid was brightly colored, and the glasses' rims were surrounded with sprinkles.

Keigo took one of the glasses but pressed his glass into Tsunagu's hand as soon as he drank the first drop.

"What's wrong?" the older one asked as he took a careful sip. "Oh, you've got your pills, right?". Keigo's stomach couldn't handle citrus fruits and the juice had a strong lemon flavor.

"It wasn't much. I'll be fine. Is there anything else with citrus in it?" he asked Shouto, hoping to find out what foods and drinks he should avoid today.

Shouto replied, a little concerned about the older idol, "I'll ask Fuyumi."

"You've brought your own food with you.", Tsunagu reminded his boyfriend. "But it doesn't look very Christmassy ...", Keigo sighed. "If you put your chicken on a plate with a reindeer, you'll still have the Christmas feeling," said Tsunagu, but he wouldn't stop Keigo if he wanted to test his stomach's limits.

Fuyumi welcomed their visitors and brought some appetizers. She apologized to Keigo, but Tsunagu just shrugged it off and said, "It's his own fault." "Well ... True," Keigo agreed, trying to ignore the very familiar and equally disliked feeling inside his stomach.

Fuyumi made another drink, this time specifically for Keigo, but he didn't like it.

Keigo tried to hand his glass to Tsunagu, who took a sip before handing it back to Keigo. "It tastes healthy, so just drink it", said Tsunagu.

Shouto yelled, "I call this chair!" because he wanted to sit next to his pals and no one should take his seat away. "Dude, we all do?!", Kirishima replied, wondering about Shouto's outburst.

There was a tiny bit of alcohol in the juice. The minors were not allowed to drink more, and the adults would help themselves later. Shouto was unaware that Keigo might be having a problem. He simply assumed he didn't like the drink, which he couldn't explain. He was about to take another glass because his father didn't appear to be joining them anytime soon, and Keigo simply vanished.

Katsuki grabbed the glass just as he reached for it. He looked Shouto in the eyes, as if waiting for him to say something, and then emptied the glass all at once the moment Shouto opened his mouth.

Tsunagu approached Katsuki and pulled a comb from his pocket."I like your suit, but your hair is messy as usual," he said before he tried to tame Katsuki's hair.

"He picked the suits," Katsuki said, nodding toward Eijiro. "Yes, I can tell," said the older idol.

Eijiro was pleased with the compliment and looked at Katsuki's hair, wondering whether Tsunagu would really be able to tame it.

"Just keep your temper down", Tsunagu said to Katsuki before he moved over to Eijiro. Why shouldn't Tsunagu give the red hair a little makeover when he seemed so curious about it?

When Tsunagu touched Eijiro's hair, he realized it wouldn't work: "It's so hard, it's unbreakable." He promised to do it later and invited them both to come see him at the House of Genius agency.

Shouto's white hair was so soft that he didn't bother to style it, preferring to stroke it like a kitten instead. When he touched the red hair, however, he was shocked because it felt like it belonged to a dead animal.

"You shouldn't overdye your hair", Tsunagu advised. "I don't dye my hair," Shouto stated.

A few minutes later Fuyumi started putting food on the table. Eijiro and Katsuki helped her. 

Keigos' stomach was about to burst, so he hurried to the bathroom to avoid a disaster. He didn't realize he wasn't alone until he sat down on the seat. It was almost painful, but he'd have to keep it in for a while longer.

Enji stood in front of the mirror, staring at himself, apparently unaware that he had company.

"I'm the worst father...," the older idol said as he looked at his reflection.

"Definitely one of the worst..." agreed Keigo, wrapping toilet paper around his wrist.

"All I wanted was the best kids," the father said, almost sobbing.

"That is the problem. You should have hoped for the best for your children". Keigo didn't want to think about starting a family because it was too far away, and he especially didn't want to think about children. Regardless, he was offering advice to a father of four children.

Enji nodded, "I know, I'm right ... Why does my inner voice sound like Hawks?"

Keigo cleared his throat and waved to Enji. "Good talk, but now can you do me a favor and leave? Close the door and tell everyone not to come in for at least half an hour."

Shouto couldn't tell what it was, but Katsuki seemed changed after Tsunagu had done his hair. He wasn't yelling anymore, but rather speaking in a mature but sassy tone. Like a criminal organization's gay boss.

Tsunagu seemed to have given him a masterclass in gayness. Katsuki was a very fast learner. Shouto looked at Touya, unsure if his brother was linked to Tsunagu in any way. He didn't know anyone who was such a diva as Touya, except maybe Yuga.

"Watch out !", Enji alerted Touya when he arrived at the table. The next moment, he blew out the candles in front of Touya. Touya just took a lighter out of his pocket to re-light the candles. "You'll hurt yourself!" Enji warned, taking the lighter from his eldest son, who preferred his father's company when he was in distress.

They had to choose between a KFC meal and a traditional Christmas dinner. Because Fuyumi's food had a strong flavor and Shouto preferred a bland taste, he chose Fast Food.

The roasted turkey with cranberry sauce and roasted potatoes was a popular choice among their guests. Not even Tsunagu seemed to enjoy the KFC food.

Atsuhiro and Tomura ate nothing, but Touya appeared to be having one of his more flexible days and stuffed his plate with KFC and Fuyumi's food.

His sister was so thoughtful and prepared a vegan dish as well as a special plate for Keigo.

"Did Hawks buy KFC?", Shouto asked Tsunagu, recalling the day when he bought Starbucks after hearing about it from his friends. The Starbucks Siren was replaced by his father's face from that day on.

Despite the fact that it should have been obvious, Tsunagu replied, "He did." He didn't want to be associated with the Fast Food brand.

"I see...", well, not yet, but perhaps one day Keigo's face would replace the KFC uncle. Maybe the K in KFC was an acronym for Keigo.

Shouto thought of Keigo as a picky eater. Instead of eating the chicken or turkey, he had Fuyumi prepare a special meal for him, which he didn't seem to enjoy either. Shouto would gladly trade his fast food for Keigo's plain rice and mashed potatoes.

When Touya's phone rang and a screensaver of blue flames popped up, Enji nearly screamed and grabbed the phone from his son.

Touya sighed and leaned in close to Shouto. "I'm just here to ruin Christmas for the old man," he explained, but now his father was the one who was ruining it for him.

"That's why I invited Kirishima," Shouto explained, pleased to have something in common with his long lost brother.

"Huh?" Eijiro was perplexed as he looked at Shouto. "You can't just invite me to ruin christmas."

Eijiro was taken aback when Katsuki simply giggled, which came as yet another surprise to him. "ShoutoKun, I see what you did there." After all, Eijiro was the most gay student in 1A, if not the entire Ultra Aidol school.

"What did you just call him?" Eijiro asked, his gaze falling on Katsuki, who had completely forgotten to insult Shouto. Then he took a long, admiring look at the manliest man at the table. There was more to it than an invisible radio and a lot of fiber.

They wanted to exchange gifts after dinner but realized they didn't have enough for all of their guests.

Nobody should feel sad or excluded, so Eijiro suggested that everyone draw a name and give the person they picked something they already own.

Shouto's name was drawn by Touya. He was tempted to murder his younger brother, but he refrained. This should've been good enough as a present.

Tsunagu wouldn't leave without his shoes, and they weren't Eijiro's size, so Eijiro got a voucher for a pair of high heels.

Enji wanted to hug Touya, but he was warned that his son might have second thoughts about Shouto and that he should rather give him money. He was unaware that Atsuhiro had already taken some cash and other valuables.

Fuyumi gave everyone chocolates while they were exchanging gifts. She also made cookies for all of their guests, as well as her own family. Each cookie was individually decorated for the person receiving. She placed a red coated shark cookie on Eijiro's plate, next to him a half flame and half snowflake, while Keigo was given a pair of red wings.

"For fucks' sake..." Touya sighed as Enji took his blue flamed cookie. He wanted to sit in an armchair in front of the TV a few moments later. A fireplace screensaver was playing, and Enji simply lifted the chair in which Touya was sitting to a saver position.

Touya sat next to Keigo and Tsunagu when he finally got away from his crazy father. Then he took the winged cookie, pulled out a lighter out of his pocket, and burned it to ashes while staring Keigo in the eyes.

"Get the fuck away from me!" said Keigo, as he stared at the black remnants of his cookie. Then he took his boyfriend's blue jeans cookie. He wanted to say something else in Touya's face, but didn't want to give Touya a reason to start fighting.

The UA students exchanged small gifts. When Shouto unwrapped the present he received from Eijiro and Katsuki, he discovered a cup with a picture of all of his classmates and signatures from his allies inside.

It was a nice gesture and a good gift, but there was a conflict. "I also got you... This... ", "We all got ... ", Katsuki sighed.

Mashirao had suggested it. He wanted to surprise his classmates, but he realized too late that he wouldn't be able to do so if they all received the same gift. Shouto seemed surprised, and Katsuki was certain Denki was just as stupid.

The cups were filled with cookies, Rikido had baked all of them. Hanta wanted to add a special spice and as a result was banned from the kitchen for the timespan of the holidays, which included New Year's Eve and the days following. Denki was also banned because he liked Hanta's idea.

The girls had a lot of fun cutting out and decorating the cookies, as well as eating more than they decorated. Some were covered in pink and glazy icing, while others were artfully decorated, had cute little faces or were simply sprinkle covered.

Shouto tried one of the cookies and found it to be far too sweet, so he would ask his siblings later if they wanted them.

"Look at what I've got!" Enji exclaimed, pointing to another cup. On it was written "World's best dad."

None of Shouto's siblings, he was certain, would have chosen such a lie as a gift. "Who did you get it from?" Shouto questioned, but Enji refused to answer.

Keigo and Tsunagu were cuddled up under a blanket on the couch. Tsunagu had his arm around Keigo and his hand in his. Due to his tattoo, it appeared that he was holding Keigo's wing. Keigo would have wished for a pair of real wings if he had been in another universe. 

Keigo sipped his herbal tea, grimacing after each sip, while Tsunagu held a glass of champagne. A hot water bottle supported Keigo's stomach, and if the cat found out, she'd probably sleep on his lap. 

Katsuki, Keigo, and Touya all sighed with relief when a BTS song came on instead of the hundredth Christmas song. When they heard Super Tuna, they exchanged glances before getting up and dancing along. 

Then "Twit by HwaSa" came on, and Tsunagu and Atsuhiro got up to dance while the others sat down. After a few minutes, "I'm a Bitch by HwaSa" came on with a seductive beat. Keigo seemed rather interested to see his boyfriend having such a good time. On second thought, he shouldn't be dancing too close with another man. "Get a room or sit down, there are minors here," he said, pointing to a spot on the couch next to him while looking at Tsunagu.

Maybe he was a little jealous and didn't really care about the minors. 

"Well, aside from his personality, your dad is a total dilf, isn't he?" Keigo asked, grinning at Shouto. Tsunagu tapped him on the side with his elbow. Keigo shouldn't tease the kids, and he shouldn't tell him who he thought was attractive. 

"I guess... Dad is a dilf," Shouto simply agreed, because Keigo was very bright. 

"Don't let him fuck you around, ShoutoKun", Katsuki snickered, as Keigo laughed himself to tears. Even after dancing to Super Tuna, Katsuki's hair was still in place.

"You would know ... Greetings from Jin. He said he hates you now", Touya said.

Atsuhiro clarified, "Actually, what he said was... I hate him. No, wait, I want him back."

"We were only going out once... or twice," Keigo explained to Tsunagu, scratching his head. 

Keigo then locked his gaze on Atsuhiro for a long time. This guy was quite attractive... Perhaps he really had a thing for older guys. 

Enji joined them and took a seat next to them in an armchair. "Both of my sons are gay...". Keigo raised an eyebrow at Natsuo, counting three sons but not correcting the older man. 

"Is there something wrong with it?" Tsunagu wondered. "I've always wanted a normal family, with special children who are the best idols of them all," Enji said. "That's normal for you?" Keigo wondered. 

Keigo raised his hand to show that he and his boyfriend were holding hands. Enji still didn't seem to grasp what was going on. Keigo sighed and turned around to give his boyfriend a kiss. Enji looked, but he still didn't seem to understand. So Keigo just sighed and gave up. 

"Can I ask you something?" Enji finally asked. "Yes," Tsunagu replied, "That's already the answer to your question." "Are you...?" asked Enji. "How can you be such an ignorant prick?" Keigo exclaimed, disappointed in his idol. 

When Enji realized that Keigo and Tsunagu were dating, he thought about it for a moment. Then he stood up, raised both fists, looked at Shouto, and shouted, "I'm willing to accept you, my gay son." 

"I'm not even gay... ", Shouto wondered aloud, "... more like half straight and half gay."

Keigo assisted by saying, "The word you're looking for is Bi..." 

Enji looked around at his other children, wondering who they liked. After all, from now on, he wanted to be a very loving and accepting parent.

"What should I say? I just love nuts, "said Touya, who had just taken a handful of nuts from a bowl. 

Fuyumi became nervous, "You know, when you suggested that I invite my girlfriends, I took it literally because I thought you meant it." 

Natsuo scratched his head and said, "You wouldn't get it...". He tried to explain Demi sexuality to his father. He was correct, his father didn't understand. 

"Takami is denim sexual ... ", Touya just said with a serious face. "This was the worst joke I've ever heard," said Keigo. Touya should apologize for telling this awful joke, not because it was rude, but because Keigo disliked other people's bad jokes. Touya made it clear that he enjoyed to annoy him.

"Cheers!", Touya simply raised his glass to Keigo, ignoring his complaint. Tomura suggested, "I think you've had enough." But it was just a thought, and he wouldn't stop Touya from drinking more. 

"Maybe you should ask me if I'm willing to forgive you. " Touya said to his father. "Are you?" When Enji wanted to know, Touya simply laughed and said, "Fuck no." 

Shouto noticed that he was surrounded by couples when he looked around. It made him uncomfortable because he felt as if he was missing something. 

Most of the songs they sang in school were about relationships or breakups. The majority of the songs he danced to were also about love. He'd never been in a relationship before and didn't know where to look for a boyfriend. 

He had no idea what it was like to be in love, but Katsuki and Eijirou, as well as Keigo and Tsunagu, seemed to be happy. 

"We've been together for more than a year, and I'd like to spend next Christmas with you," Tsunagu told Keigo. "That's a nice present, I'll take it".

Shouto wanted the same for himself, so he looked at Katsuki. "Do you want to go out with me?"

"You can't just ask out someone else's boyfriend," Eijirou said, putting his hand in front of Katsuki's mouth to stop him from saying yes. 

Katsuki didn't want to. In fact, he didn't want to be here in the first place, but he came because Eijirou asked him to. 

Eijirou didn't have to think long before he came up with someone to ask. "How about a cat type of person?" 

"Someone with the personality of a cat?", Shouto asked.

Eijirou scratched his head and replied, "No, I thought someone who just likes cats." 

"Ah, to be young again..." Keigo said. Tsunagu reminded him, "You're 22..."

After Eijirou mentioned Hitoshi's name, Shouto wanted to know how he should approach him. Eijirou suggested that he could start a conversation by simply saying hello and sending some cat pictures. So Shouto went ahead and did it. 

Hitoshi was swamped with cat pics for 2 minutes. Shouto noticed him typing, but only sent more photos. His phone rang after another 5 minutes. 

"You wanted to talk to me?", asked Hitoshi.

Eijirou whispered, "Ask him if he'll go out with you." 

Shouto asked, "Will you go out with me?" 

He got a thumbs up from Eijirou.

Shouto thought that Hitoshi sounded nervous, but maybe he was just as excited as he was.

"If you're not drunk and this isn't a prank call... Yes... ", said Hitoshi.

They agreed to meet in a couple of minutes.

Touya had become so drunk that he got into a fight with Keigo. They would have fought anyway, but he could now blame it on the alcohol.

"You're so weak that you can't even eat fruit. I'm sure you're getting tipsy just by smelling alcohol ", said Touya.

Keigo fought back with a direct snap, "Your jokes aren't even funny. Everyone thinks your brains on shutdown and all you spit out is garbage."

Tsunagu simply moved his eyes back and forth, because it felt he like he was watching a tennis match. Tennis had never been so intense though.

"Why's your beard covering your eyes?", Touya asked, looking at Keigo's eyebrows.

"You're a shady bitch ... ", Tsunagu sighed. He wasn't one to curse oftenly, but he was fed up with Touya's childish behavior.

When Touya started to make fun of Tsunagu, Keigo had had enough, "Will you just shut the fuck up with your jealous single ass mouth?"

With a scratch of his head, Atsuhiro suggested, "I think it's time to close the library..."

"No, this is fun, let them fight", Tomura disagreed.

Then Touya turned his gaze to Tomura, "Your skin's so dry, you eat lotion with a spoon."

Touya appeared to be in the mood to just throw shade at everyone who spoke to him.

"What did you just say?", asked Tomura in a threatening tone as he stood up. He didn't ask for a reading and Touya would totally get roasted.

"Look over there!" exclaimed Atsuhiro, attempting to reroute everyone's attention away from the escalating situation. "It always works."

But it only worked for a moment.

When Touya looked at him again, Keigo had enough.

It was time to stop and they could do something better than just throwing shade at each other, so he challenged Touya, "Dance off it is."

Touya warned him, "You're gonna get burned," but he was willing to take on Keigo.

Tomura wanted to choose the music that would be played.The first song was "Agust D's Daechwita".

Keigo started to dance and put on a very good performance.

After that, "Nillili Mambo by Block B" was played, and Touya showed off some hot moves.

It was Keigo's turn again when "One Shot by BAP" was played, and Touya didn't want to waste any time. He had already thought up a grand finale.

The last song was "Fire by BTS", and Touya delievered fire. He was standing near the tree, holding a lighter. Then the tree was on fire in a matter of seconds.

Touya was amused rather than shocked when he saw the flames, and even more so when he saw Enji's panicked expression. Enji was stunned and couldn't help but stare, while Touya couldn't stop laughing.

Tsunagu acted quickly, simply using a blanket to put out the flames with fiber. Keigo was glad he hadn't drunk anything today because now he was able to assist Fuyumi and Natsuo in obtaining a large quantity of water.

"It was fun while it lasted, but now it's time to go...," Atsuhiro said as he pushed his two companions out the door.

Keigo scratched his head and wondered, "What the fuck just happened?". He was certain that Enji would never let him back into his home.

They heard Christmas music coming from Hitoshi's house. Or rather lyrics, because the singing was much louder than the music, and it was screamed rather than sung.

A familiar voice shouted, "... God Rest YO Merry Gentleman!"

Katsuki screamed, "IT'S GOD REST YE MERRY GENTLEMEN!... HE'S SINGING IT WRONG!!!" and totally forgot everything Tsunagu had taught him. Even his hair seemed to be complaining, as it appeared to be the same as it had been before Tsunagu styled it.

"I thought you don't like Christmas songs", Eijirou said. Katsuki responded, "Doesn't mean I don't know the lyrics..."

On their way to Hitoshi, they were followed by a gang of cats. Shouto recognized every single one of them. Hitoshi and Eri were both waiting in front of the house.

The little girl was dressed as a reindeer and wore an antler hairpiece. "Happy Halloween!" she greeted them. "Look, I'm Frosty!" she exclaimed as she proudly pointed to her outfit.

Hitoshi wore the same hoodie which Shouto was wearing. When he saw Katsuki and Eijirou, he nodded. Then he smiled shyly at Shouto and scratched his head.

"Good luck", Eijiro wished his friend when he was about to approach Hitoshi.

"And don't fuck it up", Katsuki added.

With best wishes, Shouto said, "I hope you break a leg."

Katsuki was about to smack Shouto when Eijirou stepped in to help, saying, "You can't do that in front of Eri?!" They then took the little girl's hand in theirs and walked away.

One of Hitoshi's fathers was peering out the window, which Eijirou noticed. Shouta arrived quickly, wrapping his arms around Hizashi and closing the curtains.

Hitoshi waited until Eijirou and Katsuki were out of hearing distance, then looked behind him to make sure no one was watching before returning his gaze to Shouto.

"Honestly, I was about to give up," Hitoshi admitted, but he now seemed to be happy.

"I just asked you out a couple of minutes ago," Shouto didn't quite understand.

"I'm glad you took the initiative...I've been hoping for this moment for quite some time "Some of his classmates were already rooting for him because everyone except Shouto seemed to recognize Hitoshi's strong interest...But he was also shy, and he wouldn't try to force himself on Shouto if he didn't pay attention to him.

One time, Hitoshi had dyed the right side of his hair white. Because it turned out green, he had to dye black over it to hide the mistake.

He had tried to engage Shouto in conversation whenever he had met him. How could Shouto know that Hitoshi considered "Hi" or "See you" to be Small Talk?

Hitoshi took Shouto's hand in his and led him to the house, where an ornament of mistletoe was hung. After that, he leaned in and kissed him on the lips.wasn't sure how to react at first, but Hitoshi showed him. They smiled happily as they looked each other in the eyes and held each other's hands.

They were having themselves a very merry christmas. They wished it could be christmas evey day. They were about to start believeving in Santa Claus again.

It was as if the entire romance of Christmas was captured in that moment.

Until Hizashi yelled, "BABIES, IT'S COLD OUTSIDE!! NOW GET YOUR ASSES IN!!"

What’s next?

Well, I’ve found myself in quite the predicament here.  The Modthorne recently resigned as a moderator, a long-time submitter just said his goodbyes, and now I’m stuck by myself with over a thousand letters to answer (and plenty more on the way, no doubt).  On top of that, I’ve been attempting to balance my schedule between this blog, drawing things for my art blog, and a number of other creative projects.  Not to mention all the real-life tasks to add to the mix.

Basically what I’m trying to say here is...

Much as I'm going to miss the Modthorne, I think it’s time for someone else to fill the empty seat here at Ask Ace Attorney!  The thing is, I haven’t given much thought to who should take the Modthorne’s place when she retired, but I guess the best way to find a replacement is to subject a bunch of applicants to the same rigorous screening process that we subjected ourselves to when we started...answering these letters?

Nah, just joking.  I’m going to do it in pretty much the same way the Mod did.  After all, it worked out pretty well last time, wouldn’t you say?

So, if you’re interested in becoming a part of the de Modder line, the job requirements are as follows:

Fluency in English - Sorry if it’s your second language or you’re not entirely comfortable with it, but dialogue is one of the most important parts of the games.  It has to be sharp and witty and without mistakes.  Know your grammar and your vocab.

A firm understanding of the games/characters - This should go without saying.  You can’t run a blog like this without having played all the titles and retained all the events.  Understanding character motivation and voice is important too.

Time - Without the ability to devote an hour or so a day to the blog, you can’t do it.  It’s that simple.

Love for the work - Running an ask blog always sounds like fun, but people will abandon it as soon as they realize it’s work.  You won’t come into your stride if you don’t stick with it.  You can trust me on that.

Respect for canon - The foundation of AskAceAttorney is the game series.  It isn’t fanfiction or shipping wars or web comics or the anime or anything like that.  The American localization is the canon used here, and while you can seek the anime, manga, or movie for reference, they aren’t the law.  You aren’t here to invent character traits or off-screen events either.  Understanding that is an absolute must because it allows for the entire audience to enjoy the blog, not just a sub-sect.

Understanding the difference between an ask blog and a roleplay blog - If selected, you’re here to answer letters in the format you’re used to.  You’re not playing a single character or hosting conversation.  You’re not inventing story threads.  The idea behind the blog is fans writing celebrities and those celebrities writing back.  Think of it like email or handwritten letters.

Image editing software - This is a vital tool for answering letters.  You have to screenshot and crop letters, which is something a child can do, so you don’t actually need to know how to use the software, you just need to have it.  There are free options out there, such as GIMP 2 and Pixlr Express, so you don’t even need Photoshop.

In case you’re wondering, these are the same requirements set forth by The Mod a couple years ago, almost ad verbatim, and I feel that they still apply to any new moderator of this blog.  The main idea is also the same: Remember the “feel” of the games and try to emulate what already exists.  That’s what we’re all fans of, after all.  Respect for the soul of the blog and the game series is extremely important.

So, if this sounds like something you’re interested in, send an email to [email protected] telling me why you think you’d be good for the position and any other qualifications you might have.  Can you make gifs?  Do you make cool art that could be used as bonus content?  Are you a freelance writer?  Do you actually work for Capcom?  Something else super cool?  Remember, this email is how I’ll judge your personality, knowledge of the series, and intellect.  Sound smart and quick-witted, but don’t try too hard.

I don’t need or want any personal information.  I don’t even need to know your real name.  All I care about is your ability to pretend to be multiple characters and anything else that might help with that.

If you think you’re a good fit but don’t know how to run a blog, apply anyway.  More important than anything is a love of the Ace Attorney franchise and a love of this blog.  I’ll also be there to help you get settled in should you end up being the winner -- it’s not a very complicated job, but there are some rules of thumb that I’ve picked up during my time here that I think will be helpful.

Best of luck to everyone who chooses to apply (whether it’s a hundred people or just a handful), and have some fun while you’re at it!  Remember to take it seriously, but...not too seriously.

I’m look forward to seeing what sort of Ace-level talent I can find!  Best of luck, and I’ll see you ‘round!

-The Co-Mod

from one kid to another

w/c: 6.0k

warnings: mentions of drinking, lots of swearing, implied smut, and angst at times

summary: it was a mistake, a beautiful one that you didn’t make on your own

a/n: this genuinely is my favorite thing i’ve ever written :,) i say that a lot but this time i mean it, it’s really special i think and i so so so hope y’all do too <3 enjoy my loves

-

there’s only one thing in life that testing positive for is actually positive.

depending on the situation, obviously. yours isn’t ideal, or planned or a blessing or whatever people say. it’s a gigantic mistake that you didn’t realize you made until a minute ago.

you’d noticed something was wrong when your time of the month came and all you experienced was the symptoms. cramps, cravings, everything except your actual period. as everyone is pretty much taught to do, you ran to the closest drug store for a pregnancy test. what the hell else could it be? you messed around a few weeks ago, so there’s a possibility.

your heart felt like it was going to explode out of your chest the whole time you waited for the results. you’d thought of calling tom over for support, but there are a couple of reasons why you couldn’t do that. you realized you made the right decision when your timer for the test went off.

two red lines. you’re pregnant. you’re pregnant, and your best fucking friend is the father.

where do you go from here?

the test falls from your hand and hits the floor with a mocking clank. you slide down until your back is against the bathtub. well, you’re fucked. what an ironic word choice.

the fact that you aren’t ready in the slightest to be a parent when you’re still growing up yourself is one thing. it’s another that this could ruin the most important relationship you’ve ever had.

no, tom won’t be mad. he’s never once fought with or even raised his voice at you. in your times of need, he’s been the one to uplift you and kiss your puffy cheeks dry. no matter how he takes this, you know it won’t be out on you. he is half responsible.

but, with how you left things the last time you spoke, you’re not sure you’ll be able to get past it.

tom is alarmingly good at hiding how he truly feels. you always tease him that it’s because he’s a gemini. he’ll come back with shut up, i’m an actor and stick his nose in the air to give you the full image. in all seriousness, it does take a toll on how well he can communicate.

you’ve seen it in small ways, like when he brings you along for press days and uses unenthusiastic smiles to cover up his yawns. how he’ll be polite in a conversation with people he’d rather not speak to, then mumble about it once you’re home. he tries to put forward the “appealing” parts of himself even though he’s more than them.

tom’s biggest communication issue is that he’s been in love with you since year nine and hasn’t said a word about it. you’ve yet to figure that one out.

you two became friends while tom was starring in billy elliot. his schedule was so scattered between shows and school, so he struggled to balance both. he often had to stay late for extra help on the lessons. you’d also been there a few times. you worked better in the classroom, and he was grateful he didn’t have to be alone with the teacher.

most kids made fun of tom for his interest in theater, to his face and behind his back. not you. you thought it was just incredible that someone in your own classes worked at the west end. you’d told him on your way home one night.

he’d heard you before he saw you. “you’re tom, right?” you asked from behind him, the two of you making your way through the hall. the question sounded friendly, and it wasn’t every day kids were nice to him. tom stopped walking so you could catch up. “yes, and you are?” you gave him a small smile, books clutched to your chest. he instantly returned it.

“y/n. i heard you’re in billy elliot?” you laughed at your understatement, then corrected yourself. “that you are billy elliot, i mean. that’s so cool.” “oh, i am. thank you,” he chuckled back, a full grin taking over his face. you were both walking again, you by tom’s side. “i was hoping to come see you soon.” your voice got quieter as you told him, like you were nervous.

tom never had much luck with girls, not at this point in his life. this was an opportunity to change that. at the very least, to make a new friend. he offered something you said yes to without a beat of hesitation. “what if i got you the tickets?”

from then on, you began talking during class and not only when it ended. tom really knew how to keep the conversation going, telling story after story that left you laughing so much your teacher would shush you. you’d eventually moved to hangouts at either of your houses. harrison came into the mix at some point, the three of you forming your own group.

the difference between tom and harrison was that while harrison linked with other girls, tom was only interested in you. he’d gotten a crush on you pretty fast, if he was being honest. it might have been your shared sense of humor or the way you said his name.

thomas, when he was being cheeky. tommy, which took the place of a pet name. even regular tom. that might have been his favorite. he loved how it rolled off your tongue. he loved, and still loves, you.

you’d gone to all of tom’s performances you possibly could, the ones for school theater included. you also gave him the push to take his talents to hollywood. tom was afraid he wasn’t cut out for the big screen, that he needed more practice and experience first. you told him that if this was what he wanted to do, he had to start somewhere. why wait?

tom then landed his first movie role in the impossible at the age of fifteen. he’d received tons of praise and almost gotten nominated for an academy award, all because you convinced him to audition. you played a huge part in keeping him grounded when he was between films, and caught him up on whatever schoolwork he’d missed.

you practically zoomed to tom’s house when he was announced as the next spider-man. you’d been constantly refreshing every social media platform marvel was on since tom became a finalist for the part. that process was probably the most difficult experience he’s ever gone through. you’d know, having heard all about it from tom.

the two of you celebrated along with the rest of tom’s family that night. you kept giving him little proud of you squeezes on his shoulder or knee. tom is eternally indebted to you for being the most supportive of everything he does.

he of course sends the support right back. although he went down the movie star path, acting wasn’t for you. you’d gone off to university and studied hard as hell and aced all your shit. tom quizzed you on material whenever you needed. he wanted to help you somehow, and this was all you’d let him do.

he’d offered to pay off your loans and any other expenses necessary because he had the money to do that now. you refused every single time, not trying to become dependent on him. he admired your drive, yet hated it at the same time. everything you’d done for him, it was his turn to be the caretaker. it should’ve been.

whenever tom wrapped filming for the holidays and came back home, you were always preparing for final exams. he kept you company, content with simply being in your presence. you typed away on your keyboard and read over notes until your eyes burned. tom occasionally brought you snacks, tea, asked how you were and what he could do.

sometimes, he would have to cut your study time short. he’d say it wasn’t healthy or you were overdoing it and to come relax with him for a bit. other times, tom let you be. he didn’t want to get in the way of your already stressful assignments. those were the nights you’d fall asleep in front of your laptop. drool on your chin, hunched over at your desk.

tom made sure to tuck you in, press a light kiss to whatever part of your face wasn’t covered in spit, then let himself out. he knew where your spare key was, so he used that. you’d wake up to a “Fell asleep studying again. Rest today x” text the next morning.

when it came time for you to graduate, tom was on the first flight there. it was during another round of reshoots for chaos walking. he respectfully told doug that he’d have to work around his schedule or replace him, which couldn’t be done so late into filming. tom didn’t care that it made him seem like a prick. he was getting to you no matter what he had to do.

he’d earned plenty of stares and whispers from people as he took his seat in the crowd. he was a proper celebrity now, so he expected it. his solution was to ignore everything and chat with your family about how proud they were of you, tom the most. he saw you go from a kid attempting algebra equations to an adult at her uni graduation. you’ve really grown up together.

it was why he teared up hearing them call your name, seeing you beam as you walked across the stage. your mom grabbed his hand and nodded at him, like she could tell exactly what was going through his head.

you ran right up to tom after the ceremony was over, leaping into his arms. he let out a couple of chuckles as he spun you around. “i didn’t think you’d make it,” you’d admitted, happy yet sad tears in your eyes. tom put you down so he could pull you in for a real hug. “i’ll always be wherever you are, y/n,” he said into your ear, rocking you while you gripped at his suit collar.

flash forward to a year later, your career is finally taking off, tom’s is flourishing like it has been for years, and you’re pregnant with his child. you’re trying to recall the series of events that led you to this moment.

you were both drunk, blackout drunk because the only reason you remember sleeping together is that you woke up naked in the same bed. harrison’s bed.

he threw a housewarming party for himself, having recently moved out of tom’s and the other boys’ place. the three of them, sam, and you were all in attendance, along with a lot of others you hadn’t met.

neither you nor tom could figure out where he knew all those people from. he’d clinged to you two for the most part, more so you now with tom usually away. they could have been from work. harrison is breaking into the business himself, small roles here and there. tom actually met him in your school’s theater program, then he introduced him to you, ten years ago already.

sam entertained himself by making concoctions with the snacks harrison set out. harry got together a playlist for the party. harrison and tuwaine struck up a conversation with some of harrison’s actor friends. that left you and tom alone, out of stuff to do, and with one way to fix it.

“drink?” tom had asked you, a smirk playing on his lips. “love one,” you hummed back and set off for the kitchen. the two of you raided harrison’s liquor cabinet, grabbing his biggest bottle of wine. he’d dumbly pointed it out during the house tour he gave you before the other guests arrived.

you were about to search for glasses, but tom’s fingers threaded through yours. he gently tugged you away and nodded behind him. “let’s bring this upstairs. seems much more fun there,” he’d murmured over the music, a grin breaking across your face.

tom is big on clubbing and socializing, however, you aren’t. he comes up with ways to get you out of these events, just in case.

“we can break in harrison’s bed for him,” you said as a completely harmless joke, no intentions of that becoming your reality later on. spoiler alert: it did. “and how are we gonna do that?” tom quirked a suggestive eyebrow and breathed out a laugh as you dragged him towards the stairs. despite yourself, you’d giggled at his words.

not one drink in either of you yet, and you were stumbling and cracking up as you ran upstairs. you’d pulled tom by your still attached hands into what you remembered as harrison’s room. tom shut the door, locked it, saying under his breath that would be a “convenient investment” for him to make as well.

he took out a bottle opener that he must have put in his pocket at some point and got to work on your wine, you getting comfortable on the new mattress. the two of you passed it to the other after every sip, tom licking the taste of your lip gloss off his own lips every so often.

the equivalent of three drinks in, you were making out. both of you were just tipsy at this point, tom holding you by your hips as you lied down, your legs around his waist. god, he could’ve done this sober. he’d dreamed about kissing you, really kissing you since he was fourteen. you’d always felt like you two had something more. ah, there it was.

halfway through the bottle got you past the next two bases, and you were ready for the fourth and ultimate one by the time you shook the last few drops onto the tip of your tongue. tom groaned at the sight of that, drawing your half naked body in closer to his.

you two had forgotten to use protection in each of your drunken states. without a doubt, you both would’ve agreed to a condom had your minds not been everywhere but where they should have.

you’d woken up first the morning after, panic immediately coursing through your veins thicker than blood. a fully nude and sleeping tom had you in his embrace, arms secured around your middle, facing you. you gasped when you made the connection, loudly enough to wake tom up. his long eyelashes tickled your face, a confused pout on his lips. uh... um...

“did we fucking...” you trailed off, no words to describe whatever unfolded. “fuck?” tom finished for you. a very blunt explanation, but true nevertheless. “looks like it,” he rasped, pout changing into a smile. your face fell at the vague memories of how you spent your night.

you definitely wanted to do it. just, he’s your best friend, who’s seen you at your least sexy moments over the years. when you were sick, had breakdowns from stress, you name literally anything, tom was there. it took one bottle of cheap wine for him to forget that?

the real answer was no. tom is entirely in love with you, for a decade at that. you were beginning to discover you feel the same, only you had no idea he already loves you. you’d assumed this was meant to be merely a hookup. from the frown your face held, he’d thought you were regretting it. oh, were you both so wrong.

“um... we don’t have to talk about it,” tom told you halfheartedly, under the impression that’s what you preferred. you physically felt yourself get weaker in tom’s strong arms. he’s not interested. “yeah, that’s probably for the best. i...” you were lying. his heart shrunk, shriveled up inside his chest. she doesn’t love me like that.

“you have to go. aren’t you behind on some emails?” tom hoped you didn’t hear his voice strain from the tears pushing at his eyes. “right. almost forgot, thanks.” you’d plastered on a smile, slipping out of his grasp. a tear rolled down his cheek, so he wiped it away before you noticed. you’d already gotten out of the bed and begun picking your clothes up off the floor.

“i’ll drive you home, then.” he rolled on to his other side, you thought so he could give you privacy to change. it was that, and also because he was crying. he couldn’t hold it in. tom is naturally an emotional person. imagine finding out the love you’ve had almost half your life is unreciprocated. it’s soul crushing.

you two found harrison snoring and on top of tuwaine as you left the house. no silly remarks or shared glances for the first time in ten years. tom couldn’t muster anything up, and you felt numb.

the drive was painful. you’d said your goodbyes after tom pulled up to the curb, which held an odd weight to them. once you were out of the car, a sob wracked through him, banging on the steering wheel and not giving a shit about the loud horn going off. you collapsed face first onto your bed. hours passed by while you stared at nothing and contemplated everything.

since it happened, you haven’t spoken much. small talk over text every few days or so, both of you pretending things are normal for the other’s sake. about a month later, today, is when you found out you’re pregnant.

there’s no use wallowing in any of this. you need to figure out your next move, one that should probably involve tom. first, you want to talk to someone else. you want other opinions and a voice in your head that isn’t your own. harrison gets a text from you saying to come over now, the now in all caps. he does.

you let him in after the second knock, his eyebrows furrowing in concern. however torn you are, you must look it. shirt balled in your fists, lip quivering. he keeps his eyes on yours as he steps inside, pushing the door shut behind him. this is all becoming too real. “y/n, are you okay?”

you’re about to cry in three, two...

“haz, i fucked up,” you choke out, tears unable to stay at bay. he takes you into his arms for a hug. half your face is hidden in his shoulder, hands clutching at his back. he lets you cry it out, holding you until your heavy breathing steadies. “what’s happened?” harrison asks quietly, both of you leaving the hug.

“if- if i tell you, you can’t freak out. you can’t tell anyone else, either,” you instruct, searching his eyes for certainty that he won’t under any circumstances. “i won’t, y/n/n,” he assures you and puts an encouraging hand on your arm. your heart pounding abnormally fast, you spit it out. your first time saying it aloud. “i’m pregnant.”

harrison flinches and doesn’t even try to conceal it. he takes his hand off of you, worry swimming across his features. he blinks at you, unsure of what to say. you’d react the same way, maybe worse, so you don’t blame him. a discussion you, him, and tom had a couple years back replays in his mind.

the three of you were talking about your futures, seeing as you were close to living them. when tom asked you two where you stood on having your own families, you didn’t hesitate to answer. “nope, the factory is closed for a long ass time.” until you were in your thirties, you aimed to focus on yourself. harrison distinctly remembered because of how you phrased it.

“you’re... you... wow,” is all he replies with. you head over to the couch, more tears welling up in your eyes. do the pregnancy hormones act up this early? harrison follows you over and sits down next to you with an awkward clearing of his throat. “do you want to be pregnant?” he has to ask because he’s not sure if he should congratulate you or what.

“i don’t know,” you answer honestly, voice airy. your eyes are fixed on the wall in front of you. you haven’t given yourself time to think about it. there are so many reasons you don’t, and a single one you do. “do you, um, know who the dad is?” harrison glances over at you. “yeah.” your voice cracks. you’re both afraid for him to ask what he does next.

he shifts so he’s sitting up. “can i know?” a sniffle passing through you, you finally look at him. “it’s tom,” you say it before you lose the nerve to. harrison’s face doesn’t change this time. he isn’t surprised you and tom went there. he’d seen your friendship growing into more the older you all got. what he can’t believe is where it took you.

his best friend pregnant, and his other best friend responsible for it.

“when did you...” “at your party,” you explain, bringing your legs up so they’re criss cross on the couch. “i thought you were gone a little too long.” he says that to try cheering you up. you appreciate the effort, but it doesn’t work. you’re not in a joking mood. he’ll stick to the main issue. “so, have you told him?”

“clearly not,” you scoff, not at him but at what you two have gotten yourselves into. “y/n... i think you should tell him,” harrison sighs out, then adds, “whether you keep it or not.” “why? that would ruin everything, it already has.” you’re getting angry now, which plunges you into angry crying, voice unsteady as you go on.

“the last time i saw tom was that night, and i guess it meant more to me than it did to him because we haven’t talked about it at all. he didn’t want to.” you swipe the back of your hand across your eyes, gaze stern compared to harrison’s soft one.

he drapes an arm around your shoulders, you curling into him with another sniffle. he doesn’t say anything for a minute, then he tries again. “i know you, y/n, and i know tom. you’ll kill yourselves not talking about this.” he’s right, no shit he is. avoiding telling tom how you feel, and your pregnancy on top of that, it’s eating you up inside. it’s swallowing you whole.

“what if he doesn’t want to be a dad? or- or i’m a shit mum?” you croak out, your doubts getting the best of you. “i can barely take care of myself. what am i supposed to do with a baby?” you’re leaning forward with your hands pressing into your temples. harrison’s hand moves to your upper back. “i- i don’t think i should have them. i... we can’t,” you conclude.

“tom loves kids,” he gives you a gentle reminder. “why would his own be the exception?” another good point, yet you still have rebuttles. “right, he’s a godfather and he’s really good with them and all that, but i’m not the right person, and it’s a terrible time,” you tell him all at once, in a rush to get your words out before harrison’s sway you.

“he’s never around, i’m doing my own stuff. we’re not meant for this.” you lift your head out of your hands and sit back on the couch. harrison returns his hands to his lap. he’s frowning at you, which you see from the corner of your eye. “i’m not going to force you to have the baby. just saying you have options.”

yeah, really shitty ones.

“either way, talk to tom.” harrison says this more like a demand so you’ll take his advice into actual consideration. “at least about the hookup.” your teeth sink into your lower lip, eyes watering for the nth time already.

you have no choice because he’s right again. you’ll never move on from what happened unless you and tom address it.

the next morning, you do what harrison told you to and invite tom over. he replied saying he was on his way maybe a minute later. he’s nervous to see you because yeah, but more so looking forward since it’s been so long. you’re so nauseous you barely have room for nerves. it’s morning sickness with a hint anxiety.

it feels almost normal when he first gets here, no how’ve you been and what are you up to these days? being as close as you and tom are, you’re not capable of such a dry conversation. personally, you still feel uneasy while he recounts a golfing incident him and harry got into the other day. you know something he doesn’t.

“when i tell you we flew, we flew,” tom makes a pushing forward motion with both hands. “right into the tree. i think harry, like, dented part of his face.” he lets out a breathy laugh, you forcing out one of your own. you’d be more interested without the fact that you’re expecting a child, his child, at the back of your mind.

tom exhales, shifting to face you on your couch. it’s funny how different things were when you and harrison sat in these same spots yesterday. so much has and is about to change.

“they had to send another golf cart to come get us. it was wild.” “it sounds wild,” you hollowly agree. he can tell you’re not too invested in hearing about harry’s terrible driving skills, so he changes the subject. “anyway, harrison told me he came over last night?” your stomach drops, heat coming over your whole body.

“did... did he say why?” you murmur with a look of urgency in your eyes. tom shrugs a shoulder, and casually. there’s no way he knows. “no, was he supposed to?” his tone stays playful, which you can thankfully tell. that puts you more at ease. “no. no, never mind. i would’ve asked you to come, but...” you’re searching through your catalog of excuses.

thank god tom says something else because you can’t find a good one. “it’s alright. i actually, um, had a work call.” a small smile spreads across his face, a proud one. intrigued, you raise both eyebrows. “what’d you talk about?” tom twiddles with his fingers in his lap. “i’ve been offered an audition for this really amazing film. everything works out, it’ll be huge for me.”

you’re smiling back this time, putting a hand over one of his. “woah, that’s incredible. i’m so happy for you, tom.” you lock your fingers with his from the back of his hand. he looks down at them, humbly shaking his head. “when is it?” “a few weeks from today. it films in brazil...”

oh. you can’t tell him now. it’s not worth him missing out on a milestone in his career for a baby you’re not sure you should have. that would be so unfair of you to ask. what are you going to do, not support his dreams for the first time in a literal decade? and, you’d call yourself his best friend through it all?

you guess this also means the way you feel about tom is one sided. he’s okay with leaving you after the most intimate moment you two have ever shared. you’ll dance around it the rest of your lives. better yet, act like the night never even happened. that’s not so easy to do when you’ve got a permanent reminder of it.

the thought makes you sick to your stomach. so sick, you could...

while tom is talking more about what the audition entails, you suddenly bolt up from the couch. you run for the bathroom, a hand cupped over your mouth. his face twists up in confusion from your disappearance. tom calls, “y/n/n?” out to you, but you can’t respond because your head is in the toilet. he rushes in when he hears you retching.

he gets onto the floor with you. you’re bent over, puking your guts out, back in another place where your life changed forever less than twenty four hours ago. tom pulls your hair out of your face and into a makeshift ponytail with one hand, his other on your back. that’s all you have in you. you stay over the toilet just to be sure.

saliva drips from your mouth, making you cough roughly, the sound echoing. tom moves so he’s next to you, keeping his hand in your hair and not caring one bit about the smell because he loves you and he’s utterly concerned about what he witnessed.

“love, are you sick?” he coos, searching for your eyes. they water from the intensity of everything. “morning sickness,” you answer without thinking first. shit. shit, shit, shit. it came out of you like more vomit, word vomit. there’s no going back now.

tom lets go of your hair with his eyes still on yours. his hand on your back then leaves you, fingers trailing down your body as they go. “morning sickness,” he repeats, putting it together. “you’re pregnant?” guilt taking over your features, you sit across from tom. you’re once again leaning against the bathtub, him against the counter.

“this isn’t how i wanted you to find out,” you admit and bring your knees up to your chest. “i took a test yesterday. it was positive.” your arms wrap around your legs, you now tearing up because tom figured it out. a shaky breath passes his lips. “i haven’t gone to my doctor or anything yet, but i-“

“are you keeping the baby?” tom cuts in. not to judge you for your choice, to find out what the fuck is going on before he travels across the world. you tighten your arms around yourself, grabbing your wrist. “i haven’t decided.” he gives you an understanding nod and reaches out for you. you dodge him. he might not want to do that after what you say next.

“tom, i... there’s more,” you whimper out. “yeah. i’m... i’m listening,” tom croaks, unable to hold in his infinite amount of emotions for a multitude of reasons. he’s losing you a second time. more tears spill from your eyes as you break the news, the news that will destroy what he’s been working towards his entire life.

“the baby is yours.” his face relaxes, looking almost relieved when you confess it. “when we slept together, uh,” you’re sure it’s obvious enough that you don’t have to go over the details. he’s tearing up himself. you reluctantly continue. “if you still want to audition, i get it. we don’t have to do this.”

“fuck the audition. fuck the whole movie. all of my movies, really,” tom surprises you by blurting out. he moves in until your legs are touching. “i’m staying. even if you don’t have the baby, i have to be here.” you watch in disbelief as he wipes away what are actually happy tears. “really? i was scared you’d resent me for it, or hate me even,” you mumble to him.

“y/n, what? why would i ever do that?” tom places a hand on your cheek, touch gentle and filled with love. you part your legs so he can be closer to you. he takes the space between them, thumb brushing over your skin. “i didn’t think you’d want to deal with all of this. i thought that night was only a hookup for you.” your voice wobbles under his gaze.

“no, are you kidding? i thought that’s what you thought.” he’s smiling now, eyes twinkling along with it. what he’s been meaning to tell you since you were only kids finally comes out. “i’ve loved you as long as i’ve known you, y/n. i always imagined myself doing this with you.” his words draw a quiet laugh from you, a happy one. “i know we were drunk, but i meant it all.”

the sincerity in his voice, the warmth in his eyes, they make you cry all over again. you’re getting used to it.

“i love you, tom,” you lean into him with a sniffle and a grin, his forehead now resting on yours, using his thumb to catch one of your tears. “i really do.” “i love you forever. i always have,” tom speaks lowly, breath fanning across your face. your hands grab at his shoulders. “so, you’ll stay? you’ll do this with me?” he reminds you of what he said before, this time a promise.

“forever.”

-

you ended up having the baby, and tom held your hand through the entire labor. nikki was holding his other hand, your mom holding your other hand. harrison had originally been in the room as well. when you started to push, he got freaked out and had to leave. your support system remained strong either way.

despite his repulsion of your daughter’s birth, you and tom decided to make harrison her godfather. he eventually became the godfather of your other two children also, which you had a few years later.

tom took a paternity leave from the industry so he could be with you and jamie. he’d also used his time off to propose to you, something else he fantasized about since year eleven in school. it wasn’t anything too grand because the whole world was already buzzing about you two, and a big gesture felt too impersonal with everything you’d been through together.

he did it in the form of passing a note, something you often did in class to avoid being scolded by your teacher for talking. the note came with a pencil to check off either the yes or no box, “will you marry me?” written above them. anyone else would have found it so unromantic, but you giggled as you checked off yes before your lips crashed into his smiling ones.

you were married shortly after the proposal, jamie as your flower girl and all your friends and family in attendance.

to do what he loved and stay with the people he loved, tom created his own version of hollywood in london. he took it upon himself to assemble a team and make a production company. harry behind the camera, harrison and tuwaine in the films, and tom either starring alongside them or directing. they give so many young actors tons of opportunities.

you eventually went back to work, too. it was like you’d never left, coworkers offering endless hugs and going over what you missed, not that you struggled getting into it. tom was there to celebrate every promotion, every compliment from your boss, every part of your life. jamie was also there, then liam and lucy.

all three of them are running around the house right now, putting on shoes and collecting their supplies for school. you take a sip of the orange juice liam didn’t finish with a lighthearted eye roll. tom chuckles as he passes you in the kitchen, getting the kids’ lunchboxes for them to minimize the chaos.

“you have that pitch meeting today, right?” he slips his hands through the lunchbox handles and walks over to you. “mhm,” you hum, mouth full with juice. his lips press to your temple, giving your waist a one handed squeeze. “you’ll smash it. always do.” “thanks, tommy.” putting down the cup, you reach up to button whatever parts of his shirt he didn’t have time to.

“aren’t you doing a casting? for the new script they sent?” you wonder aloud and smooth down the cotton material. “me and harry. should be interesting,” he remarks, you giving him a quick kiss back on his chin. they tend to have their artistic differences. “good luck with that. you do drop off, i’ll do pick up?” you pat one of the lunchboxes around his arms.

“deal.” tom goes in for a kiss on your lips, then a chorus of dad, we have to go led by jamie rings through the house. with a knowing smile, you push at his chest. “see you later. love you.” “love you, holland,” he bites back a grin of his own. his last name, now yours, suits you perfectly.

Here is a rec list of bottom Louis fics where one or both of the boys is a wolf. This includes werewolf fics and A/B/O fics where they transform into wolves. If you enjoy our rec lists, please be sure to reblog this post to help spread the word.

Happy reading!

1) New York's Beauty | Mature | 5274 words

Prompt 104: AU where Harry is an alpha wolf and Louis is a hybrid kitten. They were roommates. While they were arguing about something stupid, Harry wanted to bend Louis over the kitchen table and knot him right there. He slowly accepted his feelings and extreme desire for Louis, so he started to tease the hybrid until he would beg Harry to fuck him. They fall in love.

2) Just Like The Wolf Before He Bites | Explicit | 11096 words

He’s loud, Louis is, and that’s far from unusual for him, but the volume of it still has Harry pulling back the curtain. There’s a half-formed thought in the back of his brain about telling Louis off, because it’s fucking half three in the morning, but then.

But then Harry’s eyes get stuck on the soft glint of Louis’ stubble in the light, and he’s making his way across the room before he even realizes it.

Louis, for his part, just tips his chin up to give Harry space and keeps talking, waving the joint in his hand around for emphasis. He doesn’t even bother to greet Harry, going on with his story to his semi-rapt audience, just settles a hand in between Harry’s shoulder blades and pushes him down firmly.

Harry just. Relaxes. His eyes slip closed, pushing his entire face into that spot underneath Louis’ chin, where his hair is still growing, neat and prickly. The scent of Louis’ cologne drifts into Harry’s nose, light and fresh, and it’s calming. Comforting. His breathing syncs up with Louis’ quickly, and Harry feels so much better than he had five minutes ago he almost wants to cry.

3) I Would Follow You (To the Moon and Back) | Explicit | 20355 words

Everyone has baggage, some people sleepwalk, some have obsessive exes, and others turn into anthropomorphic wolf-like monsters that destroy furniture and run rampant in the forest. Perfectly normal.

4) Break Open The Sky | Explicit | 20372 words

Note: Mentions of BH.

Werewolf AU. Harry might be a werewolf, but he still wants to experience Uni like everyone else. Turns out he learns a lot.

5) Out Of The Wild | Explicit | 21502 words

Louis has spent most of his life as a wolf in the wild, Harry has spent most of his life as a human in the city. Their worlds collide during the audition process for the hottest new singing competition. What happens next should have expected.

6) Falling Into Your Gravity | Explicit | 28933 words

The Doncaster tribe has suffered from the increasing attacks of the rogue werewolves for months now and finally their pleas have been answered. The Government has sent them enforcements in the form of a family of high standing, the Styles, whose babelicious son turns a certain omega’s world upside down. Poor Louis is just trying to get people believe he’s a beta as his family’s life depends on it.

7) Compete Against The Stars | Mature | 30890 words

An ABO AU where Louis finds out he's claimed to another Alpha. Angst ensues.

8) Canyon Moon | Explicit | 40895 words

For as long as Louis has remembered, he has been promised to be mated to Harry, his best friend and the future pack alpha. But Louis’s heart belonged to the forest and to the hunt more than he could ever imagine it belonging to Harry.

Then Harry’s father dies in a violent accident, and Louis’s future alpha disappears on the wind.

9) I'm On the Hunt Now (I'm After You) | Mature | 56418 words

Omegas haven’t been able to shift into their wolves for two hundred years. That is, until Louis Tomlinson changes everything.

10) Bite Me | Explicit | 93222 words | Sequel

Being groomed for alpha was hard enough. Now, mix in moving to a completely different location and losing three of his pack's omegas to outsiders, and you've got a disaster. Or, so it was in Harry's eyes. He was told not to worry; they weren't his omegas and he wasn't the alpha yet. But he did worry. Their pack was under attack and he had no idea why, and when he found a suitable mate, the problems that his stepdad faced would be his.

11) Among The Humans | Explicit | 129435 words

A gothic, modern day vampire romance between a young human named Louis Tomlinson, and Harry Styles, ancient vampire and gentleman.

Creatures of the night come with more trouble than they wish to make it seem.

12) You Smell Like | Mature | 185369 words

The one where Louis is the Alpha’s mate and everyone is aware of it except for Louis and Harry. Go figure!

13) Cold Little Heart | Teen & Up | 194780 words

Louis is a soft omega with an abusive past and an alpha child. A few months after getting a divorce, Louis meets Harry, an ex-military alpha wolf that offers him something -odd.

In exchange for teaching him how to cook, Harry will babysit his son, Abraham. Louis really could use the help.

14) Only You Can Be My Alpha | Explicit | 196073 words

The one where Louis is banished from his tribe, and lands himself in Harry's instead. The alluring Pack Alpha makes Louis question his nature and he doesn't know how he feels about that. But you can't fight destiny.

15) Queen of Arizella | Mature | 277919 words

Stealing from Royalty is punishable by death.

Louis starts over, doing his best to keep his hands at his sides but he is hungry and he tries stealing from the wrong Royal.

Harry is King of Arizella, he needs a Queen and who better than an omega on the run from death? Louis will learn to become the perfect Queen -the perfect fake Queen, but only for a few months.

A fake lover, a fake Queen, but a real bond.

Check out our other fic rec lists by category here and by title here.

02. kim seungmin /  9435 words

female reader, virgin reader and virgin seungmin, oral (f & mreceiving), unprotected sex (this one is by choice, have safe sex everyone!), making out, fingering, angst with fluff

tw: light mentions of insecurities

a/n: hello, i am back after my sudden mini-hiatus to ruin everyone’s day! i have not written smut in a while, so i hope this piece isn’t too bad. also, the first part of this piece was originally posted on my sfw account so if you find something that is the exact same, that is also me.

you have always gotten emotional over seungmin leaving. even if it was just for a one-week christmas break with his friends, or a two-week music camp field trip with his choir group, or a two-month summer vacation with his family—you have gotten emotional over him leaving one way or another.

not dramatically, of course. it wasn’t like you were spilling waterfalls of tears and throwing temper tantrums over not being able to see or hold him for seven days straight; if that was the case, seungmin knew for a fact that he would not be able to handle it, especially since those absent days happen every single year.

you just get a little naggy, caringly naggy, like you’ve got amnesia every five minutes and you would keep reminding him to take care of himself, or make sure to have a good time, or think about you when he is away.

and seungmin does. he always does. whether it is at night on the soft hotel bed or walking down a loud foreign street, he makes space for you in his head and he shows that he has been thinking about you by sending you pictures and getting you souvenirs.

sometimes he becomes the annoying one because he keeps spamming you with pictures. you still remember playfully threatening to block his number after he sent you a frame by frame set of pictures, where you saw the entire process of jeongin tripping on jisung’s fallen body (because he tripped on thin air first) and falling to the ground.

it was a good blackmail material. you could pinpoint exactly the moment where jeongin realized he would be making friends with the brick ground, his eyes wide in alert and his arms flailing out in a poor attempt to grasp the air for support. when the boys came back from music camp that year, you made sure to give jeongin a big smooch on the head, which he begrudgingly accepted.

you have always gotten emotional over seungmin leaving. but not this time, not in a sense that you didn’t feel anything about his departure, it was just that… you were different this time.

you were ecstatic the first moment you heard that seungmin, along with his friends, passed theit idol audition and would get the chance to train under a prestigious entertainment. it has always been his dream to sing for people, you had been beyond proud of him to achieve the spot. it was until he broke it to you that he would have to move to seoul to pursue his opportunity when the realization finally dawned upon your silly, silly head.

he has to leave. he wasn’t breaking up with you, no, but he has to leave. for however many years it would take for him to qualify for debuting, and after that, there would be years of the dating ban, and then there would also be tight schedules and long distances.

seungmin was only leaving the city, but it felt like he was leaving you.

you left him to his own devices after that, stalling and wasting all the times you could have spent with him to make the remaining days count. you spared no playful nagging and no playful reminders, just unread texts and missed calls.

it was too much for you, you feared too much of the uncertainty—what if you couldn’t be patient enough for him? what if he couldn’t resist another’s seduction for you? what if the both of you couldn’t fight against time, the time that would pick and pinch at your affection for each other until there is nothing left to share?

seungmin zipped up his luggage just as the door to his bedroom knocked. he barely glanced behind his shoulder to look at it, his back arched in pure exhaustion at how his heart had been spiraling depressively for the past week. it was his last night in his home, his last night in his home city, that alone was enough to make him feel anxious and homesick.

but nothing had prepared him for how disastrously affected his heart would be when he realized he might have to leave without seeing you, without touching you, and without hearing that you love him once more.

the impatient knock came again and he finally stood up, his brows furrowed in annoyance. he moved over to his door, ready to tell his mother for the fifth time this night that he would not be changing his mind and he did remember to bring enough clothes, but when he swung open the door, it was you who stood before him instead.

“hey…” you said, clutching your jacket tightly.

he opened his mouth but only air slipped out. you looked as tired as he did, and he could tell you have cried yourself to sleep for the past days. as much as he wanted to immediately wrap you in his arms, to feel you against him, he found himself stepping aside and giving you space into his room first.

his room was as dim as it usually was during night time, when seungmin has the habit of turning off the main light on the ceiling and instead, flipping on the warmer light on the wall. it was a cloud-shaped light; seungmin hated it until you decided to decorate it with cartoon stickers during a sleepover. he has never looked at it the same way again.

the first thing you saw was the luggage on the floor, packed and ready to be sent away. your heart dropped slightly at its indication, then you quickly picked yourself back up. you have talked to yourself about this, you have thought about this and decided you wanted to support his dreams instead of dwelling in your misery until the sadness replaced itself with guilt and missed chances.

“you–you packed,” you said, gesturing towards the luggage on the floor before you turned around to face him.

“yeah.“ seungmin nodded. “i leave tomorrow morning.”

you hummed in defeated acknowledgment. the tension was more longing than awkward, the air waiting for one of you to break out of restraint first. turning to look at his opened closet, you raised a brow at the empty hangers lining up to the side of the closet before you finally caught sight of three colorful hoodies hung at the farthest corner.

you laughed meekly as you pointed at it, hiding the sobs in your throat. “you–you idiot! you forgot to pack your favorite hoodies.”

seungmin looked over, his fingers fiddling together nervously as his mouth hung open in a poor attempt to explain why he had left those there. his mind fired quickly and the first thing he did was only to state the obvious. “i am going to leave them here.”

you frowned at him, your lips curling down and your cheeks bulging out at the pressure. 

seungmin softened at your incredulously curious eyes, his shoulders visibly relaxing as he waited for you to speak. “but why? you should at least take the blue one, you look so good in it and it’s your absolute favorite one.”

he licked his lower lip, a faint smile blossoming on his face. he stared at you, blinking gently. “it’s your favorite one. they’re your favorite hoodies too.”

you sucked in a rapid breath, understanding his intentions. he left those there for you, a token of your relationship, a token of his love. it was a way to tell you that he, until the last minute, still thought about you; a way that didn’t require the use of cheesy text messages or well thought out confessions, which he was never very good at anyway.

just three colorful hoodies in his empty closet, all of them covered in his warmth and his scent.

you bit your lower lip to hold down a sob as you walked over to the closet. it was much less messy than usual, which felt out of place for you. being able to see the shoe boxes stacked at the back of the closet was unfamiliar, they were usually covered by his shirts and sweaters, occasionally seeing the light of day when seungmin pushes the clothes to the side or you steal one of his shirts again.

peeling the light blue hoodies off the hanger, you carefully threw it over your head and marveled at the way that even though its fabric went loose around your torso, you felt fulfilled and warm wearing it. bringing your sweater paws up to your cheeks, you inhaled the sleeves and closed your eyes at the smell of flowery detergent mixed with seungmin’s familiar fragrance.

it was a match made in heaven; it was a smell you could recognize even if you were rid of most of your senses because for so long, it was what home smelt like to you, and it still is what home smells like to you.

would you forget, after years of separating from him? would you still remember it but somehow he stopped feeling like home anymore? would your heart lose him to time and distance?

seungmin sighed with the shattering of his heart when he heard you choke out a sob. you had begun to cry, your tears staining the hoodie sleeve as you wailed your fears and longings away, and he wasn’t very sure what to do. he was never good at handling criers because he wasn’t one, and neither were you before this happened.

“(name)…” he took a step forward but stopped when you turned around.

“i’m so sorry for ignoring you these weeks,” you said, your voice teary and timid, but loud and strong enough to make seungmin’s heart pound against his chest. “i’m sorry if i made you think i don’t support you and your dreams. i need you to know that i do and if you have to leave this place to go after it, you should.”

to be honest, the idea that you didn’t support him has never crossed his mind. he knew you would, for some reason. you had always been there for choir shows, you listened to him talk about all the musical things he did during camp despite not understand instrumental talk, you never failed to praise him for his incredible vocal talent—you had always been the first in line when it comes to him and singing.

you were upset, he understood, that he had to leave you here and he only gave you a two weeks notice that he would be leaving for years, plus the uncertainty that your relationship may never work out as smoothly as it could when he was still an unknown high school boy with big dreams.

he couldn’t get mad at you for avoiding him until the last minute. 

for one, he understood why. he supposed he would be pretty disheartened if you did the same thing as well. for two, he just couldn’t bring himself to get mad at you at a time like this, when he needed his last memories of you to be nothing but loving and heartfelt.

heaving a sigh, he got on the bed and scooted to the middle where he sat with his feet dangling off the edge. he opened his arms and beckoned you over softly. “come here, my love.”

you did, stumbling closer to him until your thigh met with his feet. he leaned in to hold your hands, giving your arms a few childish swings before he pulled you on his lap, helping you position yourself by circling his arms around your waist and preventing you from falling off his thighs.

you sniffed when he kissed your cheeks, giggling in feign disgust when he grimaced with a complaint about your tears having a salty taste, and you burst into another fit of feathery laughter when he went to smooch your cheeks again just to mend the dry trail of waterfalls down your skin.

“i missed you so much,” you muttered, your voice almost giving away as you cupped his jaw in your hands and stared into his heart-shaped eyes.

“i missed you too,” he mumbled under his breath, bringing you closer to him unconsciously. “i am so sorry for making you cry.”

you hummed in disagreement as you lightly shook your head. your fingers pressed against his cheeks, clinging to them and hugging his face carefully in a way seungmin never wanted you to let go. your accepting smile made him fall, again and again, and he had to hold himself down so he wouldn’t kiss you right then and there.

“i’m sorry for wasting all these times, we could have been this close every night,” you said quietly, trailing over his features with your teary eyes. “i hope i am not too late.”

seungmin smiled, his eyes squinting with a crinkle of his nose. you can never be too late for him, his heart is ready for you at any moment of his remaining life, whether it is thinking about you quietly or having you pressed near his body.

seungmin will always be ready for you, all that you will give him and all that he is ready to give you.

“it’s never too late to kiss me,” he whispered close to your lips, feeling your back squirm under the weight of his words.

rolling your eyes at his words, you squeezed his cheeks before gladly leaning in so you could press your lips against his. his fingers gingerly clawed at your lower back as he other hand flew up to hold your wrist, any attempt just to touch your bare skin.

god, your lips. your soft, soft lips, made out of sugar and spice. he could play a thousand strings and sing a thousand words about them; about how kissing you always make him feel so needed and loved, how it makes him feel like there is nothing else he can do better aside from giving you every ounce of strength he has.

it opens a gate to his heart he didn’t even know he had, one only you can open because you are the key.

with the influence of his excited heart, seungmin suddenly started to graze your lip with his teeth, his brows furrowing passionately when he caught your lower lip between them.

you let out a breathy moan, surprised. but you only had too little time to dwell in the shock before you opened your mouth and allowed seungmin to do whatever he wanted.

adrenaline rushed up to your lungs, causing a ruckus beneath your bones as your mind chased itself into chaos. he has never kissed you with such urgency before, with silent pleads pierced in the tip of his tongue and desperate longing tattooed in the way he moved against you. he was kissing you to make you breathless, to make your burn with revelation.

seungmin kissed you intending to linger, so the shape and the taste of his lips will haunt you every day and night when he is away. and damn, it was so good, you were drenched in blissful abandon to let him take full control over you.

amidst this heated moment, seungmin forced himself to pull away for a brief moment to allow his hazy mind to settle down. both of you were adrift somewhere in paradise and both of you had no plans of returning any time sooner.

you kept yourself close to him, your upper lip positioned tenderly against his, taunting him to resist, daring him to let go once more. your eyes were as gone as seungmin’s were when you stared into them, and you inwardly worshipped the way his inky black eyes, devoured in thunderstorms and fallen ashes, could pull you to him so effortlessly.

“i love you, okay?” he declared breathlessly, but his tone was filled to the brim with sincerity. “i love you, three or ten years from now.”

three or ten years from now, whether he only gets to talk to you every weekend or every three months, whether it would be easy to find the right time to catch up with each other or if the process would make him want to pull his hair out—seungmin loves you, and he will wait until he can love you.

“wait for me, please,” he pleaded then, the ocean in his eyes seemed brighter and ready to spill, causing heartache in your chest. he was clutching the hoodie and pressing your hand to his cheek, his shaky movements only calming down at your warmth.

wait for me. seungmin was asking. wait for me, remember me, hold on to me.

you felt like crying again. the volcanic sadness stays no matter how many times you convince yourself things would turn out fine, that you could live without him being near you eventually.

you could deal with the quiet, you could deal with not anticipating his presence when you leave home, you could deal with the untouched skin and unkissed lips. yes, you could, you have to.

“i will, i promise” you replied in a hush, lowering your head. “i’m going to miss you so much.”

seungmin pressed his thumb to your eye carefully, swiping across the wet corners and making you chuckle as you leaned against his palm, looking up at him again.

“i will text you all the time. if i don’t, my friends will,” he grumbled with a scoff, remember how bitter he felt when it took jeongin no amount of effort to get your phone number back then while he had to stall a whole week before mustering up the courage to do so. “we will keep in touch, we all will.”

“you guys better,” you said threateningly, kind of threateningly, making him smile.

and he kissed you again, much softer this time. it was to seal a sacred vow one would find harder to break than any else’s, an oath shared by two teenagers who are so genuinely, so tenderly, and so tragically in love with each other.

“how early are you leaving tomorrow?” you asked after pulling away, adjusting your legs so instead of sitting in a kneeling posture, they wrapped around his lower back, making it much more comfortable for you and giving you two more space to be closer to each other.

“hmm, since we have to take the bus to the train station and we are meeting up at the bus stop around the school before going there together…” he calculated in his head, a pout forming on his lips due to the concentration. “i think i’ll have to leave around seven in the morning.”

that was earlier than you thought. but either way, you never planned to see him off anyway. turning into a crying mess in public early in the morning would not be a plan; if you could, you would rather let him leave just as things are—a soft goodbye to your sleeping form, and maybe you will sob on his bed for a while after you wake up.

“i am not going to the train station with you,” you said, running your hands through his hair before circling your arms around his neck into a hug. you sighed. “so it is just going to be tonight.”

“okay.” seungmin flashed you a faint smile, a bittersweet but endearing one. his pinky gently tucked at a piece of your hair, his fingers brushing back against your temple and falling to your ear. “do you need anything from me before I go?”

“you should be the one getting something from me. i never gave you a congratulatory gift for getting through your audition,” you said with a laugh, tapping his nose with your index finger and pressing your chest up against his for a needed closeness. “i am very proud of you, seungmin.”

he gave you a peck. “thank you.”

and you two just looked at each other. affectionately drawn towards the other like how north sticks to south. you couldn’t help but whisper a loving confession, brushing his hair as the words “i love you” left your lips like a secret only seungmin gets to hear.

“i love you too,” he returned immediately, his eyes shutting for a brief moment to allow the rush of euphoria. then they flutter open so he could look at you and ask, “are you sure you don’t want anything from me?”

you thought for a moment, your brows furrowing in thoughts. there were not many things you wanted to ask from him, most of those you do were out of his ability to accomplish, such as not leaving you here.

“call me when you get there,” you reminded him.

“of course,” he hummed. “what else?”

you sighed, keeping your eyes on him as it hit you that there really wasn’t anything else you needed from him. you just needed him, and you had him the moment you stepped into his room, so you figured you should get the most and the best out of it.

seungmin could see where your eyes were and believe it or not, he was totally on the same page. it was not the type of nights he wanted to spend with words. there were only senses and feelings that he wanted to have threaded through his veins this night, be it loud or quiet, tender or rough, or perhaps both of each opposite.

you leaned in, your eyes moving up from his lips to look into the windows of his brilliant soul. “stay with me,” you breathed into his mouth, “until you leave me.”

seungmin wasted no time to claim your lips once more, rough exhales fanning against your face as he desperately kissed you to fulfill the insatiable desire he held for you. he could feel it in his guts—the cunning and greedy burn beneath his ribs that held so much he wanted to say to you, that the words of his inadequate language were unable to express enough, were threatening to explode from the brisk of his skin. 

in all that the world could offer, languages of all places and phrases of all great minds, the only word he knew were you, you, you. and he wasn’t even able to speak it. all he could show you of how he called out to you was through his action; the tug of his hands at your waist and the bite of his teeth at your lower lip.

you squeezed his shoulders, your eyes closing upon the familiar taste of his mouth on your tongue when he boldly slipped past your gently parted lips. the softness that once graced seungmin’s being was long gone. he was hasty now, needy and desperate for all of you, and all you could do was comply with him. 

your chest heaved with a low moan when he bit your lip again, his hand pressing you down against his abdomen. your body relaxed against his with a shiver, yet your thighs squished at his sides upon the ever-growing arousal under your waist when you felt him, vividly, against you.

“min–“ you pulled away, looking into his eyes with all vulnerability you have ever left hanging at the lashes of your eyes. you looked at him, your hands running up the side of his face and spreading within his hair, and your shaky gaze scanned his entire face as if your patience was running thin. 

he beat you to begging for the intimacy, his face leaning close toward yours just to feel the bone of your nose nudging against his own. there was something about his utter lack of ability to be away from you at this moment. 

he was not physically attached to you, but there was nothing else he wanted more of the world than to be so. he would do anything; he would tear down hell and break through heaven, he would destroy the sun and shoot down the stars if it meant to keep you beautifully by his side. 

he needed to be attached to you, the love of his life. 

“i need you,” he whispered, “please.” 

his breath was demanding, but also teasing in a way that he wanted to make this comfortable and loving for you, as opposed to the upsetting farewell you two were having.

you shivered, your half-lidded eyes staring at each shadow that cast over his face in his dim room. your hands dropped from his hair, causing a faint look of disappointment in his eyes, but that was gone as quickly as it came when he realized that you were reaching for the hem of his blue hoodie. 

you tugged at the soft fabric, making sure you brought your shirt along with it when you slowly slid them up your body and finally over your head.

the first thing his eyes gravitated toward was your chest, covered by a random bra you threw on because you did not anticipate the visit to turn out like this. he watched with an itchy hand and an unbreathable throat when your hand reached behind your back to unhook your bra. you slid it off your shoulders, showing him your breasts, and you tried to hide your shyness by looking away as you discarded your bra somewhere on the floor. 

seungmin’s eyes were glued to your chest, he wasn’t even trying to hide it. you almost wanted to laugh at the hanging of his jaw and the way he was blatantly staring at your close to naked chest, but you kept the amusement to yourself and went ahead to cup the side of his face, bringing his attention back to your face.

you smiled, but then you pursed your lips and begun to shrink into yourself when you realized this was the most naked you’ve ever been with a boy before. not to mention how unconfident you have always been with the way your body looked. the way his eyes were glued to your chest was starting to become a look of judgment rather than an action out of surprise and fondness. 

his eyes widened when you suddenly squealed, your head lowering and your forehead bumping against his shoulder. he laughed a little, his hands moving to your wrists before he gently pushed you away from you. you were frowning slightly, your brows furrowed with an uncertain pout on your face, and you refused to look at him until he tipped your chin up with your hand. 

he wasn’t too sure why you were acting this way, but what he did know was that this was your first time, as well as his. sex is a foreign subject. that kind of intimacy is drastically different than holding hands, or cuddling, or making out, or even having late-night philosophical talks until you fall asleep on the phone. 

both of you were feeling chilled to the bones with both anticipation and nervousness about how things could go, and both of you probably wanted everything to feel good and perfect.

so if you were hiding from him because you changed your mind, then he’d want you to know you could back out. he could deal with what happened in his pants by himself later.

“you don’t have to do this if you don’t want to,” he said, poking your nose, “we can just watch a movie, or we can talk until we fall asleep if you want.”

the pout on your face faded slightly upon his words; a kind offer, but one you didn’t need. you flashed him a deadpan smile, your hands moving to clamp atop of his shoulders again as you spoke, “it’s not that. i do want to do this with you, i don’t think there is anybody else in the world i’d want to do this with! it’s just… my… my boobs…”

his eyes drifted down at them and he looked back up at you. “they’re great.”

“they are.” you were doubtful. 

“they’re boobs, babe. any boobs are great–“

“seungmin.”

“okay, okay!” he nodded with a fit of a giggle, then he moved in to kiss your lips. his hands moved to roam your sides, brushing tenderly across your skin and creating a trail of goosebumps on his way. he kept kissing you as he spoke, a kiss every other word he let out. “they are great. your body, i love it because it’s yours, and i can’t believe i’m allowed to touch you like this right now.”

you blushed with a heat rushing up your cheeks, burning hotly under his words and the way he kept kissing you. how sweet and cheesy, but you didn’t mind it much. you were too drowned in being adored by him to care about criticizing anything he says or does, you just wanted this moment to keep going so you could finally plunge into the real act. 

keeping your hands at the nape of his neck, you moved your lips with his for a second longer before you moved away, making him whine with a low hum.

his hands stayed at your side as if they were afraid, and you were getting impatient. panting, your voice was raspy when you said, “you can touch me more.”

seungmin raised his brows at the permission. his heart sped up at the thought of going beyond your waist and your back. he was thinking about it, but each time he felt the side of his palm brush against the soft skin under your breasts, he flinched away with timidity simultaneously as he grew needier for your body. 

he couldn’t let himself just touch you, he supposed, it would be such a bold thing to do. he felt like if he ever did, he would have to find a way to preserve the feeling, and he was very unprepared for that.

“seungmin…” you called out in a feminine voice when he didn’t respond, one that sounded so needy it would surely get him riled up. your hands moved to grab his, bringing them up your body until they almost met at your breasts. “touch me.”

a tease, what a tease. it was only your first time and you were being a tease, looking so divine and perfect on top of his lap you tested his composure and his control over his patience. 

he exhaled.

you asked for it.

seungmin took you by complete surprise when he moved. hoisting you off his lap, you felt yourself dip sideways before your back met the soft cover of his bed. he hovered over you, his body stuck between your spread legs, and his hands squeezed your waist to set you in place before he reached down to capture your lips again. you followed his lead, feeling his hand roam across your stomach before they finally moved up to your breasts. 

a breath got caught in your throat when he cupped his hands over the roundness. he fondled them, squeezing and pressing his palm against them just to feel your hardened nipples against him. he hummed out in satisfaction when you trembled under his touch, unfamiliar but pleasing, and he let go of your mouth to hear your noises while he moved down your jaw and your neck to leave trails of love marks on your skin as a goodbye gift.

you tilted your head to the side so he has more space to plant his bruises. you could feel his teeth graze you, and he was sucking on your skin so hard you felt pressure within the spot. it was forcing you to make friends with the reality and the level of intimacy you two were venturing into. 

he was on top of you, kissing you, dropping crosses on your body, fondling your breasts, and his hips occasionally grinding at your bottom so he could temporarily press down the impulsivity inside his pants. 

this was the reality; you two were about to become whole, you want you both to become whole.

seungmin moved away in the heat of the moment, his hands hastily reaching to pull his shirt off his body as well before he dove back to your collarbones and went down, his lips worshipping the veins and bones hidden under your skin. he took your breast in his mouth, sucking on your nipple and flicking the bud with his tongue. you arched your back at the sensation, so foreign yet exciting that you couldn’t help but push down on his head with the same hand that once carded gently through his hair, wanting more and more of him.

he was never going to leave you, though. his lips stayed attached to your body, kissing you down and everywhere he could reach, his tongue darting out the lick wet spots on your delicacy. it was until he reached the hem of your shorts when he paused—this was the place. he eyed up at you, catching the weak and pleading look in your eyes once, then he gingerly moved his fingers to unbutton and unzip your shorts. he carefully slid it off your hips, his fingers tugging against your panties on the way until you were completely naked under him.

the last of your clothes dropped to the ground without a care. seungmin was glued to the glistening sight of your exposed heat. your curled your fists, nervous about what he was thinking as he stared at you. your legs felt shaky as you thought of whether you wanted to close your knees or not, and before you could make a decision for yourself, seungmin already stumbled forward on his knees and brought himself to the edge of his bed.

he grabbed your ankles, his grip soft as he brought your legs over his shoulders with a nod of his head. you let him guide you through the ordeal—resting your ankles on his shoulders and pulling you forward to him. he curled his hands around your thighs when you were close enough.

you flinched, a quick and shivering flinch, when you felt his lips against your cunt. your knees almost smashed his head if he hadn’t tightened his grip on your thighs to keep you from moving. your eyes stayed wide open, staring dizzily at the ceiling, as seungmin continued to do experimental kisses against your wet pussy. one, two, three, four, before he decided it was time for him to dart his tongue out. 

he flicked against your clit, miraculously finding it on his first try and staying there when he saw your positive reaction. he abused it, licking and sucking on the bundle of nerves until your bud was protruding and  even a little painful from all the stimulation. but he didn’t let himself stop there. the lovely and filthy noises you were letting out, paired with the call of his name over and over again, was too much of a blessing for him to let up. 

he continued with his pleasuring, grazing his teeth against your skin as he sucked on you, his fingers making an entrance by slowly sliding himself inside your warm cunt. he didn’t want to do too much so he paid attention to your reaction. it was an ego boost each time you arch your back and moan his name. he has never been better than this.

your legs trembled on his shoulders, having never felt such sudden jolts before and your senses were not familiar with receiving such pleasure. your lips were parted to let out huffs of little whimpers and moans as you relish in the feeling of his touch—a brand-new feeling of joy seungmin was graciously gifting you that was unlike all the others. 

you were being touched, you felt touched, and he was willing to do so even when you weren’t sure if you deserved it. such simple ways to make you happy; all he needed was himself, and the lovingness in all of his movements done to your sensitive body. 

“fuck–seungmin, seungmin!” 

you tried to find words to say in the midst of the pumping of his fingers. your walls were clenching down on the intrusion, coating his fingers with your slickness until it became a slip-and-slide to go in and out of you. you were wet, oh so very wet, and it was all his doing. he could taste your arousal on his tongue and he kept wanting more, so he moved quicker with his hand as if he could fuck more juices out of you with it. your legs bent, hitting his shoulder blades, and you moved your hand down to his head where you tugged at his hair.

“seungmin! you–i’m going to–“ you whimpered out, seeing fading stars in your eyes, “please fuck me, fuck me first!”

he stopped, the manic look in his eyes fading at your words. pulling his fingers out of you, the stickiness not bothering him, he stood up and moved onto the bed and left you cold with an approaching orgasm that would soon fade. he wasn’t much thinking about that—he was still thinking about that, but there was something else he needed to make sure first: did you ask him to stop because you wanted to cum with him inside you? did you want to orgasm from him fucking you with his cock? was that what you wanted, that’s why you made him stop?

oh, but the thought alone… the thought of you orgasming because of him, the thought of you reaching that  ultimate pleasure because of him. it would surely be an honor to behold.

he leaned down to your face, his eyes genuine and also somewhat worried as looked at you. taking his clean hand, he brushed the hair out of your sweaty forehead and kissed your eyes. “what do you want?”

you exhaled, your hands awkward so they settled against his warm chest. looking up at him with round and wide eyes, you asked politely, “can you fuck me, seungmin?”

“i was,” he hummed, his other hand casually reaching back down to your heat. 

the confidence came when he realized his ability to please you, and he decided he could set his needs aside and toy with you for some reactions he would savor in his head for the rest of his life. he pressed the tip of his fingers against your hole, dipping in but not letting your feel full by inserting. 

he played with you, watching as you squirm with a needy expression when he wouldn’t give you what you want, feeling as you bucked your hips up for his hand and asked for him to touch you, and finally when you exhaled in relief as he finally moved his fingers inside your pussy.

“i was fucking you, (name), with my mouth,” he said. “i am fucking you right now.”

oh, but it wasn’t his tongue and his fingers that you wanted the most. he knew that. you knew he knew that as well. he was good with them, it was heavenly a moment ago when he was kneeling on the floor, but nothing could beat the excitement in your chest that was waiting for when he finally stretches you out and officially takes your virginity by colliding his body with yours. you wanted it, both the pain and the pleasure that would follow. 

you wanted to be around seungmin and make him feel good as well, and most importantly, you wanted your first orgasm to be when you were near him, the love of your life. you wanted to cum feeling him inside you.

“i want your–“ you shut your mouth in defeat, looking at him with a pout as if that would soften him up. 

seungmin smiled at your adorableness, but he as he dragged the back of his finger down your face, his other hand still pumping in and out of your cunt but his pace has since slowed down, all he asked was, “you want my what?”

“you’re pushing it,” you mumbled as you gave him a deadpan look, “i even acted cute for you.”

pulling out of your heat, he grinned with a roll of his eyes. then he shook his shoulders as if throwing a tantrum, his lips puckering slightly as he playfully hit his fist against your chest. “just say it once! i want to hear you say it!”

“seungmin, i’m shy!” you complained, shoving him lightly.

“you weren’t so shy when you were moaning like a minute ago!” 

“seungmin!”

“just ask me, just say you want my dick and i’ll give it to you, i promise,” he said, knowing well he would have given it to you regardless of you asking or not.

you huffed, the corner of your lips quirking downward as you glared at him before you mumbled, “i want your cock.”

“what?”

“i want your cock, seungmin,” you pleaded louder this time, looking impatient and annoyed with your furrowed brows and the stuttering movement of your shoulders.

“good girl.” he smiled and pinched your cheek. “see? that wasn’t so hard.”

you took your time with grumbling a complaint about his action. but, however you wanted to see it, he did make you feel more at ease with having sex for the first time. the playful way he talked to you just a minute ago made it feel as if this was just any ordinary activity, and there was nothing you needed to be afraid of. it was just you and him together, and he would take care of you like he always has. you would be fine with him. 

the thought diminished for a quick second, though, when you saw that he has taken off his pants and boxers. your opened your mouth, your eyes couldn’t help but stare at his hardened shaft, and all you could do the next second was turn away with an uncontrolled laugh bubbling out your throat. 

seungmin looked up slightly at the noise, trying to recognize it, and when he realized you were laughing, he immediately snapped his head to you with a look of utter disbelief.

“are you laughing?” he asked, accusingly if you listened carefully.

you shook your head, your hand failing to cover up the giggles of your throat. “no, i’m not–not specifically at you, i swear!”

he moved over to you, his elbows supporting his upper body as he grabbed your face and made you look at him. he squished your cheeks together as you continued to laugh, your eyes turning intensely into little moons when you saw the hilarious look on his face. he looked you then, the sight of your lips quirking up into such a bright smile was something he took a mental image of. and your giggles trailed into his ears, hammering against the empty space in his head looking for a permanent home. he let the sound of you in with only a single knock. 

seungmin softened, allowing him a smile as well. looking at you now, feeling you warm and safe against him now, almost made him want to abandon his dream and just stay here with you forever. how could he leave you—his girl, his favorite person, his best friend. he wanted to be with you all the time. 

but he somehow knew you wouldn’t agree to that, you would push him to chase after his goal, so he will. he will miss this when he leaves. the sound of your laughter, the way he could make you snort and scream and make the prettiest and ugliest expressions. 

he will miss everything about you during every waking second of his days without you near him, but even time would fail to take him away from you because he would love you through every second of it until he could see you again.

pressing his forehead against yours, he giggled with you. “what are you laughing at, (name)?”

“nothing! i promise!” you replied loudly, then you settled down with a quiet hum in your chest. you reached up for his hands, smiling at him. “i love you.”

“i love you as well,” he said, moving his nose against yours as his voice came out in a fearsome whisper, “please say you want me again.”

your eyes relaxed into a scratch of affection. they moved across his face, taking him in, soaking his feature in you, and you kissed his mouth to speak it into him, “i want you, kim seungmin.”

it was a risk when he pushed himself inside you, raw and bare, but it was a risk you thought you ought to take at this age, and a risk you knew you wouldn’t have regretted taking. he went in slow, his lips moving across your face to soothe out the pained creases while you clutched his arm tightly upon the burn of the stretch. he was bigger than you thought, it felt different, bigger, than when you looked at it. 

he kissed you when he moved, hoping to get you to adjust to his size and to get himself more acquainted with the warmth of your walls around him. you didn’t mind the slowness of his thrusts, they were soft and undemanding, they were solid and memorable. you could feel every inch of him sliding within, the slickness of your walls helping him move easier amongst the tightness. your bodies collided again and again with hot exhales fanning against your faces as both of you tried not to go crazy for the feeling of each other. 

seungmin kept his hands moving around your body. the map he could never forget; he would always come back to this place in his memories, in the dead of the night when he felt alone. the juncture between your bones, your delicate skin, and your warmth that covered his entirety so perfectly as you sucked him into your body, taking him so well he thought there was no place else he could be. 

he only moved faster upon your request. he rutted against you, trying so hard not to get lost in the euphoric sensation that he would begin snapping his hips against yours at a pace that could bring him to the edge even quicker. he needed to relish at this moment where the sensuality happens, and he wanted to feel all of you here alone. but while knowing he wouldn’t go faster, he did want to go deeper into you.

he kissed your lips, swallowing your moans, as he gently hiked your leg up to his back until it rested near his shoulder. he gave you a sharp pound and you let out a choked noise at the heart-pounding feeling it gave you. he inhaled, moving his cock harsh against it and pushing toward that inner part of your cunt again to get another immediate reaction out of you. 

your eyes rolled up this time, your jaw dropping with a loud whine that you thought his parents would have heard in their bedroom, but you were unable to bring yourself to think at all, you just wanted more.

seungmin smiled. that was the spot. that was the spot he was looking for. 

“is that okay?” he huffed out, thrusting into you, “did you like that?”

“ah–yes, seungmin,” you breathed out, your back arching as the same spot got hit over and over again, waves and waves of pleasure lapping at your veins. you nodded, your hands clutching his arms with whines falling alive at your lips. “fuck, that feels really good.”

he smiled at your approval, feeling the tension at his back relax upon knowing that he wasn’t doing anything wrong. you were enjoying him as much as he was enjoying you. the reciprocation was delightful to acknowledge, especially in a moment as such where he wanted to leave an impression for you to remember by later if you so needed to. he knew he would because thinking about being so close to you would soon be the only escapism he has. 

the gentle yet filthy words he had begun whispering into your ears made you feel all tingly and edged. his words praised you, his words worshipped every move you made and every surface of your being, his words loved you as much as his body was loving you. 

they made you shiver by embracing your little soul, unraveling you slowly by breaking down the walls of your assumed unworthiness, and they did not dump you to the ground to repair yourself. 

seungmin was here, the whole time, for you to reach out to.

he is always ready for you. even with the distance and limits that you were so very afraid of, he will always be ready for you.

sucking in a deep, teary breath, one that paired with a light whimper as you felt your high approaching with each thrust, you reached up for your boyfriend. you circled your arms around his neck, bringing him down to you so you could kiss him fervently. your leg fell off without his support but they clung over his waist to bring him closer with tightening of your muscles. 

seungmin’s hands laid flat to the side of your head upon your beckoning, caging you under him as he slotted his mouth longingly against yours, his brows furrowing at the passionate kiss.

“you’re my heart, min,” you confessed softly against his eyes, “i love you.”

he could feel the tears in your eyes but they weren’t falling just yet. he hoped they wouldn’t fall, he wouldn’t know what else he could do aside from kissing those tears away until he has to leave you tomorrow morning. giving you a nod, he rubbed the side of your face with his thumb and smiled endearingly down at your face. “wait for me, okay?”

wait for him, and he will dream, always, about your eyes when you laugh, the way you shove him when he tells a lame joke, and the mediocre food you cook for him during weekend hangouts. he will dream  about coming back to your side, about holding and kissing you again, about the intimacy he has carefully shifted into a precious spot of his head. 

wait for him to come home so he could make all the dreams come true again.

you nodded hastily, partly because your walls had started to clench on his shaft impossibly upon the tightening of your abdomen. getting closer, seungmin snapped his hips against yours, trying to bring you over the edge and push you down for the ultimate rapture. he looked—stared—at you when your peak approached, a rush of warmth coating his skin as you came around his hard cock, burying him in a blissfully hot place. 

your eyes rolled skyward, and he could feel your fingers tightening around his neck, your nails digging into his skin upon the overwhelming pleasure.

he moved, holding your hands through your orgasm, fucking the intensity out slowly and settling you down. he watched as you breathed, waiting for your panting to come to a halt before he picked up his speed again so he could find his own climax. you held him close to you, feeling him hard inside you and giving out light moans upon the feeling of strange friction against your walls. 

you could tell when he was getting close, considering his movement become even more stuttered and erratic when he was about to lose himself in you.

he knew better than to cum in you, though. before he could reach his high, he pulled out of you and moved away slightly, his hand going down to pump at his length instead. you blinked—right, you forgot, you two did not use protection. the whiny sounds coming out of seungmin’s mouth helped you come back to your senses and you quickly sat up. 

you replaced his hand with yours, an amused gleam evident in your eyes when he stared at you with confusion while being pushed down on the bed by your hand.

you leaned your body down, pumping him to keep him aroused while you found a comfortable position to lay on, and without a second thought, you took him in your mouth. he hissed in surprise, his thighs flexing at the lukewarm sensation of your mouth around his cock, as well as the gentle suction of your inner-cheeks. he pressed his head against the pillow, his mouth hung ajar with whimsical huffs as he buried his hand on your hair, needing something to grab onto as you sucked him off.

the way his cock disappears into your mouth, his tip poking at your cheek with each bob of your head, and how you choked around him when his tip hit the back of your throat was a bliss all too intense for him to handle at once. what was he to do—he knew he could not hold on much longer. 

he has never felt his way before, his own hand was inadequate to provide the satisfaction you were giving him. the licks of your tongue, the graze of your teeth, the wrap of your lips; nothing could compare to this, he was drowning in abandonment and this was no false heaven.

his hip bucked into your mouth when he emptied himself in it, a loud groan leaving his lips. you let out a strangled noise of surprise when the bitter taste hit your throat, your eyes widening in dismay but you made yourself take all of him. you sucked all the way back up to his tip, your lips popping off with an audible noise, then you reached up to wipe away the saliva away. you panted, his cum slowly dripping down your throat, and you smiled at him when he looked at you.

“that was…” he licked his lower lip for a second, then he decided against talking and instead raised his arms to beckon you closer to him. “come here.”

you moved over to him, your body slumping down next to his as he brought you into his arms. your lips locked for the millionth times tonight, unable to get enough of each other when each time there was a new taste to the kiss you shared. 

“that was my first time,” you commented after pulling away, laying your head on his arm.

“so was mine,” he said, even though you knew.

you sighed then, a blissful sigh. “i’m glad it was with you.”

“so am i,” he whispered against your temple, and when he felt that you wanted to make a joke out of his words, he held you tighter against him and he scoffed. “you know what i mean.”

you giggled, “i do… i just want to make fun of you while i still can.”

“i can’t believe i am about to say this but,” he paused for dramatic effect, “you can make fun of me whenever you want to.”

“you’re right!” you exclaimed, turning on your side so you could look at him. “after you debut, if i catch you doing anything embarrassing on variety shows, i hope you know i will never let you live it down.”

“hey, that’s not fair,” he whined. “one of the main elements in variety shows is to embarrass their guest.”

“yeah, that’s why they can be so unfunny sometimes,” you muttered.

he laughed along with you. that was all he could do; talk about the future as if it wouldn’t be painful, talk about it in light-hearted ways until you could surely let it go.

he caressed your cheek with his thumb, his eyes unable to leave your face. “i’ll come back to you. i don’t know how long you will have to wait, but i promise i’ll find the time.”

“text me a lot?” you asked. he nodded. 

“and call me, it doesn’t have to be face time but call me,” you asked. he nodded.

“don’t fall in love with other people,” you asked.

“i won’t,” he answered this time.

and there was nothing more you needed from him. 

you sighed, snuggling closer to his warm body so you could breathe with your head on his chest. even though you might wake up finding yourself alone in his room and your head on a pillow, the hollowness stronger than ever, you still moved closer to him. falling asleep to his heartbeat was worth waking up to his ghost.

“then just stay with me now.”

stay with me until you leave me.

seungmin can do that.

I grew up with three parents: a mom, a dad and Princess Leia. I guess Princess Leia was kind of like my stepmom–technically family, but deep down I didn’t really like her. She literally and metaphorically lived on a planet I had never been to. When Leia was around, there wasn’t as much room for my mom–for Carrie. As a child, I couldn’t understand why people loved Leia as much as they did. I didn’t want to watch her movie, I didn’t want to dress up like her, I didn’t even want to talk about her. I just wanted my mom–the one who lived on Earth, not Tatooine. I didn’t watch Star Wars until I was about 6 years old. (And I technically didn’t finish it until I was 9 or 10. I’m sorry! Don’t judge me!) My mom used to love to tell people that every time she tried to put it on, I would cover my ears and yell, “It’s too loud, Mommy! Turn it off!”–or fearfully question, “Is that lady in the TV you?” It wasn’t until middle school that I finally decided to watch it of my own accord–not because I suddenly developed a keen interest in ’70s sci-fi, but because boys started coming up to me and saying they fantasized about my mom. My mom? The lady who wore glitter makeup like it was lotion and didn’t wear a bra to support her much-support-needed DD/F’s? They couldn’t be talking about her! I had to investigate who this person was they were talking about. So I went home and watched the movie I had forever considered too loud and finally figured out what all the fuss was about the lady in the TV. I’d wanted to hate it so I could tell her how lame she was. Like any kid, I didn’t want my mom to be “hot” or “cool”–she was my mom. I was supposed to be the “cool,” “hot” one–not her! But staring at the screen that day, I realized no one is, or ever will be, as hot or as cool as Princess F-cking Leia. (Excuse my language. She’s just that cool!) Later that year, I went to Comic-Con with my mom. It was the first time I realized how widespread and deep people’s love for Leia was, even after so many years. It was surreal: people of all ages from all over the world were dressed up like my mom, the lady who sang me to sleep at night and held me when I was scared. Watching the amount of joy it brought to people when she hugged them or threw glitter in their faces was incredible to witness. People waited in line for hours just to meet her. People had tattoos of her. People named their children after her. People had stories of how Leia saved their lives. It was a side of my mom I had never seen before. And it was magical. I realized then that Leia is more than just a character. She’s a feeling. She is strength. She is grace. She is wit. She is femininity at its finest. She knows what she wants, and she gets it. She doesn’t need anyone to defend her, because she defends herself. And no one could have played her like my mother. Princess Leia is Carrie Fisher. Carrie Fisher is Princess Leia. The two go hand in hand. When I graduated from college, like most folks, I was trying to figure out what the hell to do with my life. I went to school planning to throw music festivals, but always had this little sliver of me that wanted to do what my parents pushed me so hard not to do–act. I was embarrassed to admit I was even slightly interested. So when my mom called me and told me they wanted me to come in to audition for Star Wars, I pretended it wasn’t a big deal–I even laughed at the concept–but inside I couldn’t think of anything that would make me happier. A couple weeks later I went in for my audition. I probably had never been more nervous in my life. I was terrified and most likely made a fool of myself, but I kind of had a great time doing it. I assumed they would never call me, but after that audition, I realized I wanted to give the whole acting thing a shot. I was definitely afraid, but as a wise woman once said, “Stay afraid, but do it anyway … The confidence will follow.” About a month later, they somehow ended up calling. And there I was, on my way to be in motherf-cking Star Wars. Whoa. Growing up, my parents treated film sets like a house full of people with the flu: they kept me away from them at all costs. So on that fateful first day driving up to Pinewood, I was like a doe-eyed child. I couldn’t tell my mom, but little sassy, sarcastic, postcollege me felt like a giddy, grateful middle schooler showing up to a fancy new school. On that first day, my mom and I sat next to each other in the hair and makeup trailer. (Actually, she wasn’t really one for sitting, so she paced up and down and around me, occasionally reapplying her already overapplied glitter makeup and feeding Gary, her French bulldog.) Between glitterings, the hairstylist crafted what was to become General Leia’s hairstyle, then it was on to me: little Lieutenant Connix. Funnily enough, my mom had more to say about my hairstyle than her own. Even though she complained for years about how the iconic Leia buns “further widened my already wide face,” she desperately wanted me to carry on the face-widening family tradition! Some people carry on their family name, some people carry on holiday traditions–I was going to carry on the family hairstyle. So after we tested a few other space-appropriate hairstyles, we decided to embrace the weird galactic nepotism of it all and went with the mini–Leia buns. She stood in the mirror behind me and smiled like we had gotten matching tattoos. Our secret-handshake hairstyle. On the first day of this thing I could now call “work,” I walked into the Resistance Base set for rehearsal and J.J. Abrams, the director, told me where to stand and what to do–basically just press some pretty real-looking fake buttons. But I have to say, just pressing those buttons and observing the rest of the scene was one of the most fun things I had ever done. I had no lines in the scene, but my mom kept checking on me like I was delivering a Shakespearean monologue. “Are you O.K.?” she asked. “Do you need anything?” I scoffed at her maternal questions like a child embarrassed by her mother yelling goodbye too loud in a carpool line: “Mommy, go away! I’m fine. Focus on you, not me!” In the moment, I was humiliated that my mom was moming me on my first day of work, on the Star Wars set, of all places. But now I realize she was just being protective. Sets are extremely intimidating–I was too green at the time to know that–and she assumed I would be scared as hell. But weirdly, I wasn’t. At risk of sounding insane, something about this bizarre new world made me feel right at home. I had found a place with an empty puzzle slot that perfectly matched my weird-shaped puzzle piece. That night, on the long London-traffic-filled ride back from set, she turned to me and smiled. “Bits,” she said. “You know, most people aren’t as comfortable on sets as you were today. Especially on the f-cking Star Wars set, of all places!” (Excuse my language, but that was her language.) “This might be something you should think about doing.” At first I laughed, assuming she was kidding. But she continued to look me straight in the eye with no inkling of irony in sight. My mom was telling me I should act–my mom? The lady who spent my entire life convincing me acting was the last thing I should do? It couldn’t be true. But it was. I haven’t had many moments like this in my life–those aha moments everyone talks about. This was my first real one. My mom wanted me to be an actress. That was when I realized I had to give it a shot. She used to sarcastically quip that she knew all along what a massive hit Star Wars would be. As with most things, she was kidding. She was absolutely and totally beyond shocked by the massive global phenomenon that was the first Star Wars trilogy. It changed her life forever. Then, when it happened again almost 40 years later, she was even more absolutely and totally beyond shocked. It changed her life yet again. But that time, it changed my life too. I thought getting to make one Star Wars movie with her was a once-in-a-lifetime thing; then they asked me to come do the next movie and I got to do my once-in-a-lifetime twice. On our second movie together, I really tried to take a step back and appreciate what I was doing. I couldn’t tell her because she’d think I was lame, but getting to watch her be Leia this time made me feel like the proud mom. Watching the original Star Wars movies as a kid in my mom’s bed, I never imagined the lady in the TV would get older and get back in the TV. And I definitely never imagined we would end up in the TV together. But that’s where we ended up. Two little ladies in the TV together–Leia and little Lieutenant Connix. We wrapped The Last Jedi a little less than six months before she died. I went back to L.A. to film the show I was on, and she stayed in London to film the show she was on. One of the last times we spoke on the phone, she talked about how excited she was that the next movie in the trilogy was going to be Leia’s movie. Her movie. She used to say that in the original movies, she got to be “the only girl in an all-boys fantasy.” But with each new Star Wars movie, the all-boys fantasy started to become a boys-and-girls fantasy. She was no longer a part of a fantasy, but the fantasy herself. Leia was not just a sidekick one of the male leads had on his arm, or a damsel in distress. She was the hero herself. The princess became the general. My mom died on Dec. 27, 2016. Two days after Christmas, four days before New Year’s and about a year before she was supposed to appear in her final Star Wars film. Losing my mom is the hardest thing I’ve ever been through. I lost my best friend. My little lady in the TV. My Momby. And I inherited this weird, intimidating thing called her legacy. Suddenly I was in charge of what would come of her books, her movies and a bunch of other overwhelming things. I was now the keeper of Leia. About a year later, J.J. called me into his office to talk about the plans for Leia. We both agreed she was too important to be written off in the classic Star Wars introductory scroll. This last movie was supposed to be Leia’s movie, and we wanted it to remain that, as much as possible. What I hadn’t known–and what J.J. told me that day –was that there was footage of my mom that they had collected over the years that hadn’t made it into the movies, footage that J.J. told me would be enough to write an entire movie around. It was like she had left us a gift that would allow Leia’s story to be completed. I was speechless. (Anyone who knows me knows that doesn’t happen very often.) J.J. asked me if I would want to come back as Lieutenant Connix. I knew it would be one of the most painful, difficult things I would ever do, but I said yes for her–for my mom. For Leia. For everyone Leia means so much to. For everyone Leia gives strength to. For my future kids, so someday they’ll have one more movie to watch that Mommy and Grandma were in together. So they can ask me about the lady–now ladies–in the TV and tell me to turn it down because it’s too loud. I grew up with three parents: a mom, a dad and Princess Leia. Initially, Princess Leia was kind of like my stepmom. Now she’s my guardian angel. And I’m her keeper.

Don’t Go Breaking My Heart | Charlie Gillespie

Requested by anonymous: Hi! Could you possibly do a Charlie x reader fic where they are filming season 2 & there is a new character (fashion expert/can see ghost/a little bit of enemies with Luke at first) but off screen they are very close (always hanging out/on ig posts & stories/dance partners/they sing karaoke/adventure) & the whole cast likes to tease them about it but they deny any feelings however they are about to film a very important scene that involves their characters & might change everything between them.

Pairing: Charlie Gillespie x reader

Warnings: fluff

Words: 2,789

Season 2. Finally Season 2. Everyone had been hoping, wishing, praying for a season 2 of Julie and The Phantoms, and after months of waiting, Netflix finally picked it up for a second season. After those months, the actors had just to wait a little while longer while the crew wrote up the first drafts of scripts and made it perfectly save for the actors to do their work. Once all of that’s ready and they’re good to go, the cast finally reunite again in Vancouver. They even meet some new cast members. Like you. You had auditioned for the role of Daniela Ramos, Julie’s cousin and Victoria’s daughter, and got it pretty much straight away. Daniela is a fashion student at a High School in Melrose Hill and Julie asks her for some help with costumes for her next gig with her band. To Julie’s surprise, Daniela can actually see the boys, even when they’re not playing, which causes for a lot of trouble in the band and family, especially between Julie and Luke. This is your first big role on the small screen and you’re the most excited you’ve ever been. You met the other cast members at the summer bootcamp before the filming process would start, and though almost everything had to be done with a face mask covering half of everyone’s face, it still was a lot of fun getting to meet everyone and spend the most fun summer ever. Every day, you grew closer and closer to everyone on set, and soon became best friends with Madi, Jadah, Savannah and Tori, doing plenty of sleepovers. Besides the girls, you also grew closer to Charlie, Owen and Jeremy, but mostly Charlie. For some reason, the two of you just clicked instantly. You have the same humor, the same taste of adventure, the same passions and dreams. You, Charlie and Owen even rented a place together to live in for the time being in Vancouver. You got even closer during filming, especially since you and Charlie have a lot of scenes together. “Oh my God, Luke, you’re so annoying!” you yell at him when the two of you are in the garage, taping a scene. It had taken you about ten takes and you still couldn’t help but giggle at the shocked face he pulled every time. “If I’m so annoying, Dani, why do you keep coming back?!” The angry face he pulls resembles that of an angry kitten, which just makes you crack up again. “God dammit, Y/N!” Charlie laughs now too as Kenny yells “Cut!” “Sorry! Sorry, guys! I promise I’m a real actor!” You hold your hands up in defense, then cough to get ready for another take. This time around, you could finally manage to get through it without laughing. “Yes!” Charlie exclaims when Kenny yells “Cut!” again. He holds his hand up for a high five, which you giddily give him. “Do you need any more takes, Kenny?” he asks the man himself. “Nope, you’re good! You can go on your break now!” he pats Charlie’s shoulder. “Nice job, guys!” “Thanks, Kenny,” you say, the smile growing on your face. “I need food, Gillespie,” you tell your best friend, linking your arm with his. “Let’s go get food!” The two of you head down to catering and sit down at a table with a plate full of food. “What are we doing tonight?” he then asks before taking a bite of food. You swallow your bite of food and take a sip from your drink. “Don’t you have a night shoot tonight?” you ask, remembering him saying something about a late call. “No, that’s tomorrow, after our dance rehearsal,” he replies after swallowing the food. “Oh! Okay!” You start thinking of things to do, “We could go to karaoke? Bring the others maybe?” He raises his eyebrows, looking at you questionably. “I’ve always loved karaoke,” you shrug with a giggle. “Yeah, okay!” Charlie nods his head agreeingly. “Karaoke it is!” The two of you smile up at each other, teeth showing, both of you glowing. “What are you love birds discussing?” Owen asks when he joins them, his voice muffled from the mask covering his face. He pulls it down to under his chin as he and Jeremy join the two at the table. “We’re thinking about going to karaoke tonight with the whole team!” you tell them, completely ignoring the ‘love birds’. “Ooh, fun!” Owen exclaims with a smile that nearly reaches his ears. “Yeah, we’ll leave after shooting the last scene tonight,” Charlie suggests, looking at you for confirmation. You nod your head agreeingly. That night, you and the rest of the cast head to the nearest karaoke place you know. You’ve linked arms with Savannah and Tori, giggling through the night, trying to keep your balance on your heeled boots. Meanwhile, without you realizing, Charlie has been keeping his eyes on you the whole way there. He finds it adorable how your giggle floats through the night air and your hips bump against the other girls’. He couldn’t lie, you had easily become the light in his life. “So, what song shall we begin with?” you ask the gang as you settle into the booth. “Pick the first one on the list,” Jeremy replies when no one else does. You nod your head curtly and press play on the first song, which is Living on a Prayer by Bon Jovi. You can already tell after that first song; tonight is going to be a fun night. You sing a couple of songs with the girls, there are many group numbers, and you even sing one with your roommates. After singing with Owen and Charlie, the latter points at you. “We’re going to sing together now!” he exclaims excitedly before turning around and picking a song for you to sing. When he’s picked one, he grabs your hand to pull you closer towards him. You blink a couple of times, unable to process what’s happening right now. The opening notes to Don’t Go Breaking My Heart by Elton John and Kiki Dee chime through the booth. You glance over at Savannah and Tori, who offer you an encouraging smile. Then you look at Jadah and Madison, but they’re too busy giggling and whispering, and it makes you wonder if that’s about you and Charlie. Your eyes dart over to the boys – Jeremy, Owen and Sacha – who just offer you suggestive smiles and eyebrow-wiggles. Charlie’s voice captures your attention again, and you turn to him. “I couldn’t if I tried,” you sing back to him. The encouraging smile on Charlie’s face calms you down a little up to the point where it almost seems like the two of you are the only people in the room. You have no clue what is happening or why it’s happening. All you know is that you’ve wanted it to happen sooner. Though you wouldn’t ever admit that to anyone. It’s the way he looks at you and the way he makes you feel like you’re the only person on this planet that matters. It’s been the way he’d looked at you since that first day of meeting him. “I won't go breaking your heart,” you sing the very last line to him ever so softly, not even looking at the screen anymore, but instead, looking into his eyes. “Don't go breaking my heart,” he sings back. The song ends and you both lower your microphones, staring into each other’s eyes. If it wasn’t for the rest of the cast breaking out into cheers and applause, you would’ve kissed him then and there. But it startles you, and you step away from him upon realizing how close you are and how that must look to the others. “So, when’s the wedding?” Madison asks teasingly, which makes the others laugh, and you blush. After that night at karaoke, the two of you had silently agreed to forget anything ever happened. Savannah said you were in denial, but you believed you weren’t. You told her it was just the atmosphere in the air that night, the both of you had consumed a little bit of alcohol and it might’ve just been that. No one stopped teasing you though. On every possible occasion, they’d ask you if you’d kissed him yet, or when your next date it, or started singing Don’t Go Breaking My Heart randomly. You just shook it off every time, finding it amusing how consumed the cast was with this ‘relationship’ you had with Charlie. There was nothing more going on than just a really, really tight friendship. Until the dance scene happened. Your character, Dani, was supposed to go to a school dance with her crush, but she was nervous because she had never slow danced with anyone before. When she tells Luke, he insisted on teaching her, saying he’d gone to plenty of school dances back in ’94 and ’95 before he died. You and Charlie know this choreography by heart, you’ve been doing it for weeks on end at bootcamp and during rehearsals. It had always just been fun and games, the two of you being immaculate dancers and bouncing off of each other so well because of your tight friendship. “I could teach you?” Charlie says as Luke, stepping closer to you. You raise your eyebrows at him. “I’ve gone to numerous dances in my days, Dani…” One corner of his mouth curls up into a teasing smirk. “Unless you want to embarrass yourself in front of… Jake.” He emphasizes the name of your fictional crush, to which you react with wide eyes and a blush spreading on your cheeks. “Come on, Dani!” He reaches out for your hand, which you place hesitantly in his. Dani being able to see ghosts, is also able to make them corporeal. The lights on set dim a little, except for one spot on the pair in the middle of the studio, and then the music starts playing through the speakers. Charlie starts singing the song they’d learned at bootcamp, one the cast wrote together during the quarantine. The atmosphere in the studio has suddenly become really intense. You can feel the butterflies erupting in your stomach as the man in front of you sings to you, mere inches away from each other as he leads you in this beautiful dance Paul Becker and Tori Caro choreographed for you. Just like at the karaoke booth, it feels like the two of you are the only people on set. Just you and him. You and Charlie. You and your best friend. There’s no denying you have feeling for him anymore. You knew you did, you just told yourself it wasn’t a good idea and suppressed those feelings, pushing them down. It worked for a while. Until now. “Cut!” Kenny yells after your scene. You step away from Charlie, glancing down at the floor as you try your hardest to hide your flustered face. “That was perfect, guys! It really looks like the two of you were in love!” he claps his hands in excitement, then tells them to do it again. After four takes of the dance, Kenny tells you to go and take a break. Without saying another word to Charlie, you rush off set and towards your trailer where you sit down on a chair, trying to calm your breathing. Charlie might not like you the way you like him. Admitting to these feelings might just ruin everything the two of you have. With this in mind, you grab your phone and text Savannah, asking her to come over to your trailer. Maybe she could help you. “Are you okay?” she asks when she enters and finds you staring at the ceiling. “No…” you reply and take a deep breath, “I think I’m in love with my best friend?” “Oh, sweetie…” Savannah sighs, and pulls you up to take you in a hug, “I know…” You pull her away again to face her properly. “What do you mean ‘you know’?” “Everybody knows,” she starts, “The two of you have been inseparable since the day you met, and everyone can see the way you look at each other. Plus, your duet the other night was a little intense for it to be a platonic one.” She chuckles, and you can’t help but chuckle too. She then grabs her phone from her back pocket, opening Instagram. “You know fans have caught on too, right?” She shows you the comments on some of Charlie’s pictures on his account. One picture is of the two of you, napping in Julie’s bed on set, cuddled up. He even posted pictures from your hikes on your days off. All of them are bombarded with comments from fans saying, ‘I ship it!’ or ‘Y/S/N’. Sav then opens her dm’s which are flooded with fans asking if you and Charlie are dating yet, and how the two of them are so in love with each other. “Charlie isn’t in love with me?” you deny, not believing one bit about it. “He is, though…” This does not come from Savannah’s mouth. Your eyes widen when you recognize the voice, and peek behind Savannah to find your best friend standing at your open trailer door. “Sav, can you give us a minute?” he asks the younger girl. “More than a minute,” she chirps, offering you a wink before leaving the trailer. Charlie steps in completely and moves until he’s in front of you. He takes your hands in his, and chuckles at your overwhelmed and confused expression. “Are you okay?” he asks, that beautiful smile of his persistent on his face. “Y—yeah? No? I’m not sure?” you sigh, trying to get your thoughts in order. “Charlie, wha—?” “Can I talk? I’ve been going over this conversation in my mind a billion times, and if I don’t say it now, I think I’m going to forget what I’m supposed to say…” You nod your head in response. “Y/N, I’ve been in love with you since the very first time I saw you walking in at bootcamp. You looked adorable with your little nervous smile and your polite hellos to everybody. I knew from that moment on that I wanted to get to know you better, and that I wanted to become more than just friends…I didn’t think you’d feel the same way, so I told myself that it was okay if we’d just stay friends. Especially since your character kind of hates mine and you bring Dani to life so convincingly, that I was almost sure you hated me too,” you chuckle at that, “But I can’t hide it anymore, Y/N. I am so embarrassingly in love with you that I could’ve kissed you after that scene we just did and that I could kiss you right now even though I’m—” before he can finish his sentence, you lean up and crash your lips onto his, your hands flying into his hair. He’s a little startled at first, but quickly melts into the kiss and presses you closer to him. “I am so embarrassingly in love with you too, Charlie,” you whisper when you pull away, pressing your forehead against his. “They’re going to be so relieved,” you tell him with a chuckle. He frowns his eyebrows at you. “Who?” he asks. You take his hand in yours and lead him towards the door of your trailer, pushing it open and making it bump against whoever was closest to the door. All of your cast mates scramble, trying to act natural while Owen rubs his forehead since he was the one that got a door in his face. “Ah, them!” Charlie chuckles. “Thanks for the door in my face, guys,” Owen says disgruntled. “That’s on you, buddy,” you tell him with a grin. “Don’t you guys have a scene to shoot or something?” Their eyes widen at the realization and, after yelling at the two how happy they are for them, rush to set in a hurry. “So, where were we?” Charlie turns back to you when everyone’s gone. “Don’t you have a scene with them?” “Shit!” he grumbles and jumps off the small steps in front of the trailer. He starts running towards set but turns around almost immediately to you and kisses your lips quickly, but sweetly, and then runs off. You watch him with an amused smile on your face. There was nothing to be afraid about after all and nothing changed between you two. You were still the best of friends, just friends that kiss and are in love with each other. But both of you happy.

Taglist: @hannahhistorian92​ @marinettepotterandplagg​ @thequirkybookaholic​ @parkeret​​ @lukeys-giggle​ @gingerxarmy​ @lovesanimals​

Broken Heart Part 4–Troy Bolton

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3

Reader's POV

It's been three years since I told Troy how I felt and he turned me down. After that awful day, I couldn't face him. I spent the rest of the school year with my head down.

I went to class, played the piano in rehearsal, and then went right home. I spent my lunches in the theater, practicing the different pieces. Kelsie and Ryan tried to get me to hang out after school but I politely told them no.

I shut down. I wasn't happy. And nothing my friends tried to do to cheer me up worked.

After high school, I got a full-ride scholarship to Julliard for piano. I'm a junior and I've started looking for jobs after graduation. Over Spring Break, I talked to Ms. Darbus about being hired on as the music teacher and helping the theater department at East High.

After talking with Ms. Darbus, I ran a few errands for my mom. I was walking down the street when I heard someone say my name.

"Y/N?"

I turned around, my breath getting caught in my throat when I saw Troy at the end of the sidewalk. He smiled as he lifted his hand and hesitantly waved. I bit my lip, waving back. He must have taken that as a good sign because he walked over to me.

"It's nice to see you," he smiled.

"You too," I said under my breath. It was very clear that there was an awkward tension between us.

"How have you been?" He asked.

"Good. . . You?"

"I'm good," he chuckled. "How's Julliard?"

"It's been really great," I said, slightly relaxing a little more. "I actually just talked to Ms. Darbus about working at East High after I graduate."

"Really?" He asked. "That's amazing, Y/N. Would you take her job?"

"No," I said, smiling slightly. "I would help her with the music for the show but would mainly teach choir. I also might play the piano for the orchestra and band."

"That's incredible," Troy smiled. "I'm really happy for you."

"Thanks," I said, nervously tucking a piece of hair behind my ear. Silence fell between us, neither one of us knowing what to say. I looked away from him but could feel him watching me.

"I miss you," he whispered. I looked up at him and started nervously chewing on my bottom lip.

"What?" I asked, my voice barely audible.

"I miss you, Y/N," he repeated. "So much."

"Troy," I stuttered.

"Can we go get coffee?" He asked. "I'd really like to catch up."

                              * * * * *

After we ordered and got our drinks, Troy didn't head to a table. Instead, he headed outside. I smiled when I noticed we were heading towards our park and our favorite bench. That smile quickly went away as we sat down.

Neither one of us said anything as we people watched. Sitting next to him on our bench weighed very heavily on me. I wanted to scream, cry, demand an explanation, and run away.

"I broke up with Gabriella."

My head shot up, my eyes wide when he blurted that out. "Because of me?" I asked under my breath.

"No," he quickly said. "Well, sorta."

He laughed awkwardly as he reached up and scratched the back of his neck. He sighed when he saw the look on my face.

"Gabriella thinks we broke up because of distance," he mumbled. He cleared his throat as he continued to explain. "But actually, I broke up with her because I couldn't stop thinking about your confession senior year. In fact, I've spent the last three years going over everything. I mean everything. I thought about when we met. I thought about our friendship. I thought about when things could've changed for you. I thought about whether things changed for me."

"Troy," I said, his name getting caught in my throat.

He looked away from me, watching as an older couple walked by. Without looking at me, he said under his breath, "I spent the last three years trying to get the nerve up to call you."

"And what would you have told me if you'd gotten the nerve?"

Troy looked up at me, something in his eyes changing. He slowly reached over and grabbed my hand gently, like he was waiting for me to pull away.

"I would've told you that letting you go senior year was the dumbest mistake I've ever made," he said with a small smile. "Like dumber than jumping into an audition with Gabriella."

He waited for me to laugh, but I didn't. I cleared my throat as I sat back, pulling my hand out of his. His smile faltered when I pulled away but only for a second.

"Y/N, the thing is. . . When you. . . I wasn't. . . It's not that I didn't. . ."

I waited patiently as he struggled to find the right words. There was a second when we just stared into each other's eyes. I broke the staring contest and looked down at my untouched latte.

"I think I'm in love with you."

I looked up at him and immediately tried to study him. Part of me wanted to believe him, but the other part of me held back.

"You think?" I whispered. "That's not. . ."

"I know that doesn't sound very reassuring," he sighed. "But I have spent the last three years thinking about you. I've been thinking about us and everything we've been through together. If you look at us from an outside perspective, I was a jock who protected his musical best friend. Until. . ."

He looked away from me, but I caught a glimpse of his regret. He continued without looking at me.

"Until I met someone who took my attention away from you. I never wanted. . . I never meant for her to replace you, Y/N. I'm so sorry."

When his voice broke, I reached over and grabbed his hand. He looked up at me, hope in his eyes as I intertwined our fingers.

"The whole year Gabriella and I did long-distance, I found myself wanting to talk to you more than her," he said without looking away from me. "I found myself thinking about you more than I thought about her. I realized that you were who I wanted in my life, not her. You were the one I wanted by my side. You were the one I loved."

My eyes filled with tears. Troy smiled as he reached up and caught a tear with his thumb.

"I didn't mean to make you cry," he whispered, his hand still holding my face.

"I didn't mean to cry," I whispered back. "I'm just a little confused."

"Well, maybe this can clear it up for you."

I held my breath as he leaned in, still holding my cheek. I gasped when his lips pressed delicately to mine. Troy slowly broke the kiss and leaned his forehead against mine.

"I know I'm in love with you," he corrected his earlier statement. He leaned back, finally dropping his hand as he whispered, "I know I don't deserve a chance with you. I know I messed up senior year. I know I don't deserve you. . ."

I cut him off by grabbing his face and pressing my lips to his. I felt him smile into the kiss as our lips moved in sync. The tears continued to stream down my cheeks as we kissed.

I have wanted to kiss Troy since freshman year. Finally being able to show him how I felt was unlike any feeling I've ever had. He let out a small laugh as he broke the kiss.

"I love you, Y/N," he said, slightly out of breath from the kiss. "I can't live without you. Please tell me I didn't lose you."

"You didn't," I whispered.

"Really?" He asked, his voice breaking slightly. I reached up and caught a small tear that had escaped.

"I love you, Troy," I said, my voice breaking. "I never stopped."

He smiled before quickly pressing his lips back to mine. I giggled into the kiss when I heard two coffee cups falling. We broke the kiss and looked over at our cups now on the sidewalk.

"I think we spilled our coffees," Troy joked. I laughed as I turned towards him.

"That was your fault," I whispered. "You owe me another one."

"How about I owe you something better?"

"Better?" I stuttered.

"A date."

Ellen Naomi Cohen was born on September 19, 1941.

She was mocked by people who didn’t know her heart, she was teased by supposed friends. Even after her death, the cruel joke was that she choked on a ham sandwich.

All this because of her weight.

The jokes hurt her, as it does many people who are called “fat,” who are ridiculed for the way they look, but she hid her pain well, as do many.

In high school, she adopted the name “Cass,” and, some time later, she would assume the surname “Elliot” in memory of a friend who had died.

According to a 2019 article by writer, Sheila Weller, “Cass—Ellen Naomi Cohen—was a middle-class Jewish girl from Baltimore who left high school six months before graduation to go to New York and try Broadway. She lost the role of Mrs. Marmelstein in ‘I Can Get It For You Wholesale’ to a budding young Jewish singer-actress who did her share to establish the rule that you didn’t have to be classically beautiful to be a star: Barbra Streisand. Cass then got a job as a coat check girl at a Manhattan nightclub, the Bitter End, singing and trying to get random agents’ attention, as she juggled hangers and quarters as tips.”

Cass Elliot had a wonderful, soothing voice, she had a wonderful personality, a beautiful soul, but the story is that initially not even John Phillips wanted her as part of his new group, which would become the Mamas and Papas. According to insiders, Phillips thought she was too fat and didn’t fit the image of the group. It was only when the group realized that she had a beautiful voice which actually made the group better that she was allowed more opportunities to sing.

When she was finally featured, she had to make up a story that she had a terrible voice until a pipe fell on her head, which somehow made her voice better.

Even after that, Elliot’s weight continued to be a source for jokes.

In one of the Mamas and the Papas biggest hits, “Creeque Alley”, Elliot had to join the chorus, singing, “And no one’s getting fat except Mama Cass!”

After she left the group, she tried to get away from the name “Mama” Cass to no avail.

“My mother was The Little Engine That Could,” her daughter Owen Elliot-Kugell told Weller. “Weight shaming was something she dealt with all her life. She was constantly insulted and hurt by people calling or thinking her fat. But she never talked about her pain, and when she performed, she hid that pain. But I know — I could tell—that it bothered her. As a child she was teased as a fatty. Her weight was something she bore the scars of for the rest of her life, be it failed auditions for Broadway shows or lonely nights after The Mamas and The Papas’ performances at Carnegie Hall or the Hollywood Bowl, coming home alone when everyone else had a partner.”

She once said, “I’ve been fat since I was seven and being fat sets you apart.”

“For others, that might have been a handicap but Cass turned it into a strength,” according to The Guardian. “She opened the door for others like Janis Joplin and Grace Slick of Jefferson Airplane,” says DJ Annie Nightingale. “I adored her voice, you couldn’t help but like her and she helped establish a genre of independent women.”

“Cass’s impact on 60s teenagers with weight problems was significant,” said The Guardian. Nancy Roberts, founder member of the Spare Tyre Theatre Company, a group inspired by Susie Orbach’s Fat is a Feminist Issue, explains: “She was this wonderful sexy role model and inspiration who made it less of an incriminating burden to be fat.”

“Aside from breaking the weight-shaming stigma and rising as an improbable female icon, Cass was other things young women weren’t allowed to be then but can be now — a proud single-mother-by-choice and a working mother who supported her child alone,” according to Weller.

“At 25, Cass knew she wanted to be a solo mother — a bold choice at the time, even in bohemian circles,” according to NexTribe.

“She wanted me more than anything else in the world — she told people that,” her daughter said.

But, even with all her personal and musical triumphs and outwardly confidence, Elliot constantly felt the brunt of the fat jokes and the pressure to be slim.

“She said she’d never go on stage because Michelle was beautiful and she wasn’t,” says John Phillips, one of the Papas. She was persuaded to change her mind but no one stopped her trying dangerous diets.

Elliot tried desperately to lose weight, once going on a six-month long crash diet, losing 100 of her 300 pounds. This would lead to a stomach ulcer and throat problems, which was treated by drinking milk and cream, leading her to regain much of her weight back.

At age 32, Elliot would die in her sleep. Immediately, there were rumors that she either died because of drugs or that she died while eating a ham sandwich.

Frank Zappa would even reference the sandwich in his song, “We’re Turning Again” with the lyrics, “We can visit Big Mama, we can whap her on the back, while she eats her sandwich!”

As recent as 2007, even Snopes had to post an entry and dispute the ham sandwich myth of her death.

Owen Elliot was seven when her mother died. “It’s been hard for my family with the sandwich rumour,” she says. “One last slap against the fat lady. People seem to think it’s funny. What’s so darn funny?”

According to reports, there was no evidence to support the choking theory. The official autopsy revealed she had little to eat during her final hours. “There was left-sided heart failure,” wrote pathologist Keith Simpson. “She had a heart attack which developed rapidly.”

Heart failure.

Cass Elliot not only had a beautiful voice, but she also had a beautiful heart which few people got to see.

Anthony Kiedis of Red Hot Chili Peppers cited The Mamas & the Papas, and especially Elliot, as an influence, in an interview for Rolling Stone, saying, “There have been times when I’ve been very down and out in my life, and the sound of her voice has sort of given me a reason to want to carry on.”

“She was a one-woman triumph against adversity; she was ahead of her time; women now are finally doing what she did 50 years ago,” says her daughter. “I look back on her and realize that, just by example, she taught me, and others, not to accept it when someone says you can’t do something.”

“I’m proud to be my mother’s daughter,” says Owen. “When I’m having a tough day, for whatever reason, I think of all the ‘you can’t be this; you can’t do thats’ that my mother heard but ignored or conquered. She was a hero to me.”

The Jon S. Randal Peace Page

Ellen Naomi Cohen was born in Baltimore, Maryland, on September 19, 1941, the daughter of Bess (née Levine; 1915–1994) and Philip Cohen (died 1962) All four of her grandparents were Russian Jewish immigrants.

Lock and Key I

Summary: In which Spencer Reid stumbles upon a GED class at Millburn and feels something like hope for the first time in weeks.

[Series Masterlist]

....

The prison library is a haven, for the few minutes he’s allowed to visit twice a week. It’s quiet, secluded, and full of his favorite things – books. The selection is nowhere near as nice as his personal collection at home, or the public library, but it’s better than nothing. Without words, he’d go mad. He needs stories to keep him sane, to give him a route he can escape by.

Today though, he’s startled to walk into the small space and find twelve other prisoners inside – accompanied by a face he’s never seen before. A woman. What’s even more surprising is that she doesn’t wear the uniform of a guard or an employee. Instead she’s in Converse sneakers and a lavender polka-dotted dress. It’s been so long since he saw that color – any bright color, really. But it’s his favorite and it isn’t until that moment that the realizes how much he’s missed the simplest of things. The sight of his favorite color. Bright images in dull spaces. Things that look hopeful.

Reid isn’t sure what’s going on, but the other prisoners seem to be too absorbed in the books to notice him. Just as he’s thinking he can back away quietly and return tomorrow, she turns around, smiling at the sight of him.

“Well hello there!” she says. “Are you Luis?”

Reid tilts his head, confused. How does this stranger know his friend? “Uh, no, no I’m not. I’m sorry, who are you?”

Her smile drops, though she doesn’t seem annoyed. Merely disappointed. “Oh. They told me Luis would be joining us today, but he never showed up. I’m Y/N. I’m one of the teachers here.”

This is the first he’s heard of such a thing. “You teach?”

She nods. “That’s right! I teach a couple of different groups – a few college classes here and there, a resume workshop. This is my GED class. We’re starting a unit on British Literature so they’ve all come to pick out a novel. You must be new here,” she notes, looking him over. He can feel himself flush under her gaze. It’s been a while since someone looked at him just to see him and not to evaluate his potential as a threat or a tool. “If you’d like, you can join the class. I’ve got plenty of open seats.”

“Oh no, I don’t need a GED.”

“It’s never too late to graduate,” she says. Then, considering him, “But that’s not what you meant is it?”

The way she’s studying him makes him nervous, though he’s certain it’s the same way he’s studied suspects and victims, trying to see beyond the obvious and understand what lies beneath. How strange, to be on the other side of that stare. “I’ve graduated high school already,” he informs her, hoping he doesn’t sound aloof. “And college. Actually, I hold three PhDs.”

“In what?”

“Mathematics, chemistry, and engineering.”

Y/N holds his gaze, taking this in. It’s as though she’s trying to decide whether or not to believe him. He figures in this environment, perhaps it’s not unusual to be told blatant lies by some prisoners. Delusion and paranoia aren’t uncommon. To teach in a place like this, she would have to be insightful and observant. For whatever reason, she must decide to trust him, because she smiles again.

“Well that’s rather impressive. You’re more qualified than I am. Just a Master’s for me.”

Reid decides against commenting in the irony of the situation, that despite his qualifications he’s nothing but a prisoner here. The same category as every drug-dealer, murderer, petty thief, and gangbanger. No better. But the way she looks at him, it at least makes him feel normal again. She looks at him like he’s a human being, with no disdain or disgust in her gaze, and no air of superiority in her voice.

“What did you study?” he asks her.

“English literature in college, education in grad school. I specialized in literature and languages, though I’m not too shabby when it comes to history. If it’s the STEM field you’ll be wanting though, you’ll have to check in on Tuesdays and Thursdays, my colleague teaches those classes.”

Glancing down at her watch, her eyes widen. “Goodness, we’re almost out of time.” She turns to the other inmates and instructs them to make their choices before she has to dismiss class for the day. To him, she adds, “It was nice to meet you – um…”

“Doct-” he begins, before stopping himself. This isn’t a normal introduction. Here, he holds no title, no position of importance. “Er, Spencer. My name is Spencer.”

“Well, Doc –” He tries not to smile at her casual acknowledgment – “if you ever change your mind, we meet Mondays and Wednesdays in room W15 during the afternoon rec slot.”

Despite having no need to attend a GED class, and for reasons he cannot quite explain, he finds himself slipping into that very room on Wednesday afternoon. Y/N glances up from the whiteboard she writes on, faltering for only a brief moment when she catches sight of him slipping into an empty seat in the back row, but she carries on. They’re talking about common themes in Brit Lit, and she’s explaining the Canterbury Tales, which they’ll be reading parts of. From what Reid gathers, there aren’t enough copies of books for them to all read the same novel, but she’s printed out large sections of the Tales for them to read together. It’s familiar, and for someone whose life has largely revolved in academia, it’s soothing to be in an environment where learning is taking place and discussion is happening. Even though he sits silently in the back row, observing.

The other inmates have all picked out books to read on their own and report on, from King Lear to Brave New World. A few have even selected Bronte and Austen novels, which Y/N applauds them for. When she divides them into groups to read and discuss “The Knight’s Tale,” she slips over to join Reid in the back of the room.

“I didn’t think you’d make it, Doc,” she tells him.

He shrugs. “I – I’ve kind of missed the classroom. I figured it wouldn’t hurt to sit in. If you don’t mind, of course!”

“Not at all.” She smiles, dismissing his worry with a wave of her hand. “The more the merrier. Besides, it’s rare that I have students with such an extensive education beforehand.  You’ll need to file an enrollment slip though, just for official records.”

She hands him a piece of paper and a commissary pen. While he doesn’t need the credit, he could use the normalcy. Discussions about books with other people in a space that feels a little safer – even if it doesn’t look like the classrooms he’s used to. The walls are stark white and bare save for three posters of famous writers and scientists. The two windows have thick bars on them. The desks are bolted to the floor. Every man in the room wears prison issued blues. But there is a whiteboard and a bookshelf and a clock. And Y/N, in a bright blue turtleneck. It makes him think of the sky, which he only gets a glimpse of for a few hours each week. Suddenly, she’s become the most vivid connection to the outside world.

“How long have you been teaching here?” he asks as he writes down answers to the form’s printed questions.

“Almost three years now. It started with just GED classes, but some volunteer programs have helped us bring new opportunities to the guys. It took me a while to convince the warden, but they’ve been a huge success. So are you coming from another facility? I know we had some transfers last week.”

He shakes his head. “I uh, I haven’t been sentenced yet. But there was overcrowding at the jail so they sent me here.” Reid pauses. “I assumed you would’ve known that.” The inmate records are publicly available. All she’d have to do is search his name or the number on his clothing and everything she needed to know would be right there – his charges, his admission date, his identifying information and that ID photo from his first day.

But she just shrugs. “I make a point not to look up what my students have been convicted of. I let them volunteer that information if they choose to, but I respect their privacy. Besides, I’d like to believe all of us are more than the worst thing we’ve ever done.”

He’s struck by her words. After all, for the last decade his job has been to see people precisely as the worst thing they’ve ever done. To delve deep into those actions and develop a profile of a person on that alone. He has an impulse to dismiss her statement as naïve, but it reminds him of Garcia, of her boundless optimism and her ability to see the best in the world even after looking at the worst of it. That memory and the smile Y/N looks at him with softens the heart he’s been carefully hardening since he arrived here. And so rather than dampen her spirit he asks, “Does it matter if I’ve read all of the books you’re discussing already?”

Her eyes widen ever so slightly with surprise. “All of them?”

“My mother was a literature professor,” he says. “And I just really like books.”

“Well, typically I’d encourage you to take the courses we offer for college credit but they’re full. Since you already have your GED, I suppose we could treat it like you’re auditing. It might help some of the guys to have someone with a little more academic experience…” She trails off and then gasps. “Oh wait! How would you feel about being the TA for the class? It’s been so long since I had one for the GED classes.”

“Like… grade papers and things?”

“No, not like that,” she says. “There are strict rules about who sees what here. Being a TA for me would be less typical TA duties and more of mentoring the other students, helping me clean up after class, re-shelving books, things like that. It’s not an official job so there’s no pay, but you would get good time credit.”

Though he doesn’t know what his sentence here will be, if he’s sentenced at all, he knows that any good time credit he can obtain to reduce the length of it is worth it. And so he says, “Okay.”

Y/N’s eyes light up. Her smile is the prettiest thing he’s seen since he got here. “Perfect! Oh, this is so exciting. I’m glad you joined us.” When he finishes the paperwork, she leads him to an empty seat at a group of tables.

“No, no, you’ve got it all wrong, Porkchop. It’s a love story,” one of the men is saying to another.

“Come on now, Xavier, you know the rules,” Y/N interrupts. “Nicknames stay outside the classroom. We use first names here.”

“Sorry, Teach,” Xavier says. He tries again. “It’s a love story, Carl.”

“That’s more like it. Carl, I can’t wait to hear your response. But first, I’m going to have Spencer join your group, alright? He’s our newest student and our TA for the class. He’s read a lot of these books so if you’re having a hard time or want to talk to someone about the material outside of class time, he’s a great person to ask.”

The group welcomes him – Xavier, Carl, Richie, and Luis. Reid is grateful to be with Luis, the one person he knows he can consider a friend inside. They talk about Chaucer and “The Franklin’s Tale,” and he’s surprised by the critiques and connections his peers make. Their debate is certainly different than the conversation he’d expect to find at a university class, but their ideas are still insightful and interesting. They make connections to their own lives, to the sacrifices they have made and the power of love they have witnessed firsthand. Mothers who never stop fighting for their appeal cases. Friends who send money so they can afford commissary. The difficulty of skipping commissary so they can send money home to their own families outside.

When their discussion finally winds down, Reid asks, “What’s the rule with nicknames about?”

“It’s Miss Y/N’s way of humanizing people,” Xavier says. “She says when we use first names like that, we’re all equals. But it’s different outside of class. We stick to nicknames because that’s what you do, y’know?” Reid shakes his head. Xavier chuckles. “You’re fresh meat, huh. First time you been down? In here, COs turn you into just a number or a last name. So nicknames inside are a way to hold on to some of your identity. Beyond that, there’s some guys in here you don’t want knowing your name, you feel me?”

“Nicknames gotta be given to you by someone else. Can’t make your own. Course, that means they’re usually a little insulting. They call me Porkchop,” Carl says. “Xavier’s Hammerhead. Richie is Spiders. And Luis, he been christened Slim Jim yesterday at chow. But don’t worry, we’ll find one for you soon.” Reid isn’t sure how to feel about the assurance. He doesn’t want to belong here, doesn’t want to fit in or get comfortable. On the other hand, he may be here for a while. Maybe laying low and finding allies wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.

He knows one thing for sure – as he walks out of class, Y/N flashes that bright smile at him again. And for some reason, it makes him feel hopeful. More hopeful than any session with lawyers or judges has made him feel. Monday can’t come soon enough.

[Next]

..

Tags: @calm-and-doctor​ @averyhotchner​

The Moon & her Star: Ch 1

Summary: Long before Zoya, another girl from the wrong side of town fell for one of Julien’s posse. Unfortunately for the girl, she had fallen for Luna La and not noble O.

A/N: This is the first chapter in a series I will be writing. Please let me know your thoughts. I’m currently accepting requests as well. Hope you enjoy.

(Y/n) was no stranger to the excess and glamour of the upper East side’s elite. Though (y/n) didn’t belong to the exclusive club she had always had the displeasure of their company. Thanks to (y/n)’s grandmother, the head maid to the oldest of old money in New York, she had secured a full scholarship to Constance.

Freshman year was rough, (y/n) wanted so desperately to fit in with the beautiful, glamorous, and rich circle of students. (Y/N) wanted nothing more than to be on Broadway. She was going to be a star, at any cost. But freshman year- she got sidetracked trying to network herself into the right circles. The head girl, Julien, got the leading role in Heathers without even auditioning. That year (y/n) learned that money always won over talent.

Sophomore year was better…. with a noteworthy exception.

Everything seemed to be going well for (y/n). She had friends, theater rejects and scholarship kids like herself but friends nonetheless. She was steadily getting better roles, from background extra to understudy. A star on the rise.

(Y/N) had even managed to secure a leading role in the spring musical, and the only thing she had to do was first help Julien prepare for her role as Juliet. Julien didn’t understand anything about Shakespeare, and promised she’d let (y/n) have the next role. Juliet was personal to Julien, but she never revealed why. (Y/N) didn’t press further, all she needed was one role. One leading role and then no one would be able to deny that she was the true star of the theater department.

Tutoring Julien was easy enough. Julien wasn’t mean like her minions, Luna and Monet. (Y/N) and Julien’s friendship, or partnership rather, was a secret matter that (y/n) didn’t care to bring to light.

Whether it was fate or bad luck, Julien’s minion Luna found out about them and read Julien the riot act for daring to converse with such a lowly individual. Julien forced Luna into being their silent accomplice. Luna agreed, apparently knowing how important the Juliet role was. However, Luna insisted she coordinate the meetups so that no one that mattered caught the two of them together.

On a few occasions, Luna even joined the two. (Y/N) hated when Luna would watch, because she never just watched. Luna didn’t ever take criticism well, even if it wasn’t directed at her. Any time (y/n) gave Julien a piece of feedback Luna would swoop in and say the exact opposite. Of course Julien would only listen to Luna’s praise, it was the easier pill to swallow.

Fearing Julien would let her go and abandon the promise made, (Y/N) confronted Luna during the next session.

Luna La was not about to let some backwater trailer trash tell her to butt out. So what began with harsh words turned to pushing and hair pulling.

And it ended with Luna on the floor, (y/n) on top of her.

With (y/n)’s face just inches from her, Luna realized just how beautiful (y/n) was. Luna stared at (y/n)’s lips, suddenly aware of just how soft they looked.

(Y/N) hadn’t planned on falling for someone in high school, especially not at Constance, and especially not for a bitchy spoiled girl like Luna La.

But it happened.

It happened in the theater building’s basement on a normal Tuesday evening.

It happened just moments after calling Luna a jealous bitch.

It happened slowly, as (y/n)’s lips met Luna’s.

The first kiss was tender, tentative…..and tragically over just seconds after it started.

The two girls heard footsteps coming down the stairs and separated so fast they had to catch their breath. Julien entered the room, only to see Luna and (Y/N) on opposite sides in complete silence.

Luna and (Y/N) we’re terrified Julien would know the sinful act that had transpired but in her blissful ignorance Julien merely thought they’d gotten into an argument.

The session went on without a hitch. Julien was surprised that Luna hadn’t given any comments regarding (Y/N)’s feedback.

It was then that (y/n) could finally bring herself to look at Luna for the first time since their kiss.

Their eyes met, both terrified of the feelings they knew were brewing inside them. Luna excused herself, and walked out without another word.

Luna stopped showing up to Julien’s tutoring sessions.

(Y/N) would turn the opposite way anytime her path crossed Luna’s.

It went on that way for weeks.

Until opening night of Romeo and Juliet.

(Y/N) had gone backstage to wish Julien luck. To her public dismay, and to her secret joy, Luna was there.

Julien exited the dressing room for a brief second, leaving the two alone for the first time since their kiss.

(Y/N) didn’t know what to do. So she did what all terrified teens in love do, she tried to run.

But Luna reached out for her hand and stopped her.

The words came out of Luna’s mouth like vomit, uncontrollable. “I haven’t stopped thinking about it.”

“Neither have I.”

The two stared into each other’s eyes, silently begging the other to be braver.

The echo of footsteps cut their moment off too soon.

Luna let go and turned to look at herself in the mirror.

The door opened and Julien walked back in with the rest of her gang of heirs.

Surprised to still see (y/n) there, Julien addressed (y/n) simply as an extra.

(Y/N) wished Julien good luck and walked out before she lost what was left of her dignity.

Winter break came and went.

The spring musical neared and the only thing (y/n) could think of was Luna La’s peach lip gloss.

Forbidden stares in class, stolen glances as they passed each other in the halls, it was torture for them both…even if they couldn’t admit it to themselves.

Julien, true to her word, opted out of the spring musical. So auditions were to start on Friday.

(Y/N) should have been over the moon, but instead she found herself wanting to be in Luna’s glow instead.

(Y/N) couldn’t focus, and she knew she’d fail the audition if she couldn’t get her act together.

So the evening before auditions (y/n) forced herself to practice in the theater building basement in a last ditch effort to pull herself together.

“I thought I might find you down here.”

What was once a voice laced with acid had become music to (y/n)’s ears.

Luna stood at the bottom of the staircase, anxiously fiddling with the hem of her shirt.

“What are you doing here?”

“I don’t know. All I know is I haven’t been the same since…..” Luna stared at (y/n), unable to name their sacrilegious act.

“Since what,” (y/n) pressed.

Luna crossed the distance between them. “Are you really going to make me say it?”

(Y/N) sighed. “I haven’t stopped thinking about you either. I can’t even focus for my audition…. I’ve been waiting so long for this moment and I’m going to screw it all up because…”

(y/n) was unsure if she could bring herself to say it, out loud.

Luna bit her lip. “Because?”

“Because I can’t stop thinking about what it would feel like to kiss you again.”

A wave of relief, and fear, washed over Luna. She wanted (y/n), and couldn’t lie to herself about it anymore…. but there was no way in hell she’d risk social suicide to date (y/n).

“We can’t.” Luna wrapped her arms around herself.

Cruel reality had finally set in for (y/n).

“Of course, I was stupid to think a coward like you would take a chance.”

Luna’s arms fell to her sides, fists balled. “I’m not a coward. I just can’t risk my future over someone like you.”

(Y/N) straightened her back, indignant. “Someone like me?”

“You know what I mean,” Luna said with a sigh.

(Y/N) stepped closer. “I don’t, so why don’t you enlighten me.”

“Fine, you’re a broke nobody from the wrong side of the cliched tracks.” Luna mirrored (y/n), stepping closer to her.

(Y/n) had stepped in Luna’s personal space, daring Luna to challenge her.

“I’m not a nobody. I’m gonna be a star one day and I won’t have time to waste on petty, airhead heiresses like you.”

Luna grabbed the collar of (y/n)’s shirt. “Who are you calling an airhead?”

The scent on peach lip gloss hit (y/n)’s nose, and it suddenly set in just how close Luna was. Her eyes darted to Luna’s lips…tantalizing and only inches away.

“What are you going to do about it?” (Y/N) dared.

Luna tightened her grasp on (y/n)’s collar and closed the gap between them. “This,” she said just before her lips crashed onto (y/n)’s.

Sophomore year was supposed to be the year everything changed for (y/n)….and with Luna La now in her orbit it certainly would be.

Restless Rewatch: The Untamed Episode 21, part one

(Masterpost) (Other Canary Stuff) (Previous Post)

Warning: Spoilers for All 50 Episodes!

Reunions

All together in The Unclean Realm, The Yunmeng trio find a spot inside where they can sit down and have a proper Yanli-Wuxian reunion, while Jiang Cheng sits across the table watching them. 

For years Jiang Cheng has been rejecting Wei Wuxian's free and easy affection; now Yanli might be the only person Wei Wuxian offers to hug until Wen Yuan comes into his life.

Jiang Cheng is really going through it. He'll do nearly anything for Yanli--except, uh, stay in the goddamn inn with her when she's sick and the Wens are hunting them--and what makes her happiest is Wei Wuxian. He's brought them together, and so he's happy, even though he's excluded from their dynamic. This absolutely fucking kills me.

Here Jiang Yanli and Wei Wuxian are sweetly pledging to always keep the trio together and put each other first. Neither of them will keep this promise. 

Wei Wuxian will leave first, to take the Wens to the Burial Mounds. Jiang Yanli will leave second, staying in Lanling at Jin Zixuan's request instead of accompanying Jiang Cheng to retrieve Wei Wuxian. Jiang Cheng will be the last to let go.

(more after the cut)

Nie Huaisang comes literally running in, filled with joy at Wei Wuxian's return. When he goes to pat his shoulder Wei Wuxian flinches away.

I feel like something important is happening in this rapid sequence of glances and expressions between Wei Wuxian and Nie Huaisang. NHS is startled, and WWX realizes he's shown something about himself that he didn't want to show. He glances at Jiang Cheng and back at NHS before laughing and covering his slip with a squeeze of NHS’s hand.

NHS switches from shocked to cheerful just as quickly, helping with the coverup. It’s like they have a quick mutual agreement, rooted in their history of shared shenanigans, to not point out that something is wrong.

Meanwhile, Lan Wangji is wandering around the grounds, having feelings. At this point it's presumably been at least a couple of weeks since their breakup fight. 

He sees Wei Wuxian sitting contemplating his flute, and as he sees him he goes from sort of neutrally apprehensive to full on angry judging, complete with sword clenching. 

Part of this may be that his feelings are hurt over their fight, but the larger issue is his distress over Wei Wuxian's apparent heretical cultivation.  That, at any rate, is what's on his mind when he's selecting music, later in the episode, and when he's selecting flashbacks. 

Party Time

Later, the Nies host an excruciating party to celebrate Wei Wuxian's slaughter of Wen Chao return. Jiang Yanli is sharing a table with Wei Wuxian and Jiang Cheng is sharing a table with his crippling social anxiety. 

Everyone starts grilling Wei Wuxian about his sword, because that's suddenly all anybody cares about even though Jiang Yanli, Nie Huaisang, Meng Yao, and probably plenty of other people don't carry swords most of the time.

Wei Wuxian says "after the Wens caught me, Wen Zhuliu crushed my core, so I can't use my sword any more, too bad so sad, can we change the subject?" And everyone is very understanding and admires his resiliency. HA HA HA HA HA. Of course he doesn't opt for that simple lie, but instead mopes audibly without saying anything.

Nie Huasiang tries to change the subject by asking how he killed Wen Chao. Apparently "I had a sexy ghost mostly flay him" isn't good party chat, though, so neither Wei Wuxian nor Jiang Cheng opts to tell the story. 

Everyone lapses into awkward silence, all the more noticeable because there are no dancers, musicians, or entertainers of any kind at this event. OP has gone to audit-kickoff meetings that were more fun than cultivator banquets.

Moment of Clarity

While the awkwardness builds, we hear the sounds of the Song of Clarity. Lan Wangji is skipping the party, which is part of why Wei Wuxian is so mopey. But instead of sitting and stewing in his anger, Lan Wangji has shifted gears, and is starting to work on his "save Wei Wuxian's soul" plan.

This isn't the God-botherer version of soul saving, however. Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian disagree about correct practice, but they both are still practitioners within the same spiritual system, and the majority of their beliefs are closely aligned.

Lan Wangji has powerful magic at his disposal, and now he's taking a step back from his plan of forcing persuading Wei Wuxian to give up heterodoxy, and instead he's preparing to use his magic to offset the consequences of Wei Wuxian's choice.

He still isn't ready to accept that choice, but he's working on it. This is a big moment for Lan Wangji's relationship with Wei Wuxian. Lan Wangji is a deeply, deeply uncompromising person, as well as being super bossy, and he’s taking his first steps toward supporting Wei Wuxian’s free agency. 

Wei Wuxian leaves the party in the middle of Yao's toast, saying "I have to see you and your lover all over my tumblr dashboard but I am NOT going to listen to you talk!" He takes his wine to go roam around near Lan Wangji's quarters to pine and feel conflicted.  Lan Wangji has thoughtfully set up a projection scrim to catch his shadow and make the pining easier.

Jiang Cheng comes looking for Wei Wuxian, partly to reprimand him for rudeness and partly to see what the hell is wrong with him. Jiang Cheng is trying very hard to be pleasant. He's bad at it, but he's trying.

Wei Wuxian is trying to be unpleasant and he's pretty good at it. He won't say why he isn't using his sword. He’s obviously super fucking depressed about it, calling his former self childish for liking to spar, and only smiling once during the whole exchange.

He finally tells Jiang Cheng that he will always want to do the opposite of what Jiang Cheng tells him.  Jiang Cheng lets this go with an eyeroll.

(Point Break Quote Alert)

But actually this is a sign of trouble, right here in River City, with a capital T and that rhymes with P and that stands for abandoning the Jiang Clan. Wei Wuxian has just told Jiang Cheng he has no intention of obeying him; not just about the sword, but in general. That's no way for a disciple to talk. 

OP has nothing to say about this gif. OP watches gif over and over and over and over

Wei Wuxian ends the conversation by tapping Jiang Cheng's chest with his flute and then walking away. The (still nameless) flute has no problem with this - does it, like Subian, recognize Jiang Cheng as an extension of Wei Wuxian?

The next day, Wei Wuxian is chilling in his room, looking ungodly sexy in his bold slashed robe, holy frack. I mean, he is sex-on-toast at all times, but the cut of his post-burial-mounds combo is particularly heart-stopping when he decides to stick a knee or two out. 

He's meditating and flashing back to being in the burial mounds, where he was also meditating. I admire his ability to fractally meditate about meditating. 

Chenqing

He didn't put a sock on the doorknob, so Jiang Yanli comes in and startles him. He brandishes his flute at her before calming down. The flute definitely does not see her as an extension of Wei Wuxian, because when she touches it, it smokes and then knocks her out of the frame so fast it's comical.

Did they put her in a jerk vest for that shot?

Wei Wuxian hides the flute from her, freaked out by its behavior. She, however, is unfazed, and gives him the first & only affirmation he's gotten about his new cultivation path, and says the flute is "like Mother's Zidian."  She kind of walks him through the whole "first class spiritual tool" concept, beaming with approval and telling him he must name the flute.  

Jiang Yanli is hardcore Jiang Clan, seriously. Freedom and impossibility. You survived 3 months of mystery trauma and now you're all fucked up? We'll roll with it. You have a demon flute now? Rock on. You're going to use necromancy to beat the other clans in a group hunt? Gold star for you.

He names the flute Chenqing, which @hunxi-guilai​ translates and explains in depth over here.

Bichen

Lan Wangji has finished practicing the Song of Clarity, and regardless of whether it's had an effect on Wei Wuxian, he himself seems much calmer. 

As Wei Wuxian contemplates Chenqing, Lan Wangji contemplates Bichen and remembers Wei Wuxian's assertions about resentful energy way back in Gusu summer school. 

This time when he grips his sword, it's loosely, as if he's made some progress with his anger.

Soup

Jiang Yanli sits Wei Wuxian down for some soup, and talks to him about what's going on with him, saying he's changed. He insists he's fine and works very hard to be convincing.

She's not convinced but says she won't press him, and then abruptly shifts tone and works very hard to act like everything is fine. She leaves, taking a lot of soup with her, and Wei Wuxian remarks that it's unfair she is giving so much to Jiang Cheng. But of course, some of it is secretly for Jin Zixuan.

Everything isn't fine, as Wei Wuxian scream-meditates with resentful energy just rolling off of him. He's got some of the dark energy stored in the Yin sword in his bag of holding, but I get the impression that a lot of it is just stored in his body.

Club Ruohan

At some point in the episode we stop in to check on Wen Ruohan. He and his wind machine are mad that Wen Chao is dead. 

Meanwhile, his interpretive dances with the Yin iron now turn his puppets into...Klingons? Sure, why not. 

Literal Stand-Up Meeting 

Jiang Cheng needs Wei Wuxian at games night a meeting and comes running to Jiang Yanli to find him. He is freaking out and she tells him to chill. 

No matter what fuckery is going on in the world, Jiang Yanli is going to find herself a nice little outdoor table and she is going to sit her ass down and have some tea and civilized lady activity. Queen.

This shot of the meeting is composed so nicely. The blocking (placement of actors) in this scene encapsulates the familial dynamics, and I’ll talk about that as soon as I finish admiring Jiang Cheng’s proportions. 

Here we have four clans represented by four family pairs around the game war table. The Jin cousins, despite their differing personalities, are side by side, matchy-matchy, in lockstep. Jin Zixuan lets Jin Zixun do the talking for him, so maintains his own rep as a reasonable guy.  

The Nie brothers are even closer together, also in matching greys, Nie Huaisang giving all of his attention to his brother/clan leader. You can see his careful watching of his brother's temper...not fearful for himself, but fearful for Mingjue.

The Lan brothers have a growing distance between them; they are in different colors (which is pretty usual for them), and Lan Wangji is standing well away from his brother and the rest of the group. Partly this is his personality, but it's also symbolic of his growing distance from his brother and other proper cultivators. He's carrying WWX-related secrets, and he's wrestling with what he's learned.  

While Nie Huaisang is looking at Mingjue, Lan Xichen is turning around to see what's up with his own volatile sibling.

Lastly you have Jiang Cheng, alone in the room, with his shidi nowhere to be found, and seriously feeling the heat because of his isolation. 

He's alone in his purple, but the color value (lightness/darkness) of his robes exactly matches Xichen's. 

And Xichen, bless him, makes a point of speaking to him respectfully as a fellow clan leader, gives him a path out of the "where is your brother" conversation, and is just generally his kind and helpful self with Jiang Cheng.

Next: Awkwardness Increases!

Jack Dylan Grazer Discovers Who He Is in Luca Guadagnino's “We Are Who We Are”

After supporting roles in the It and Shazam!, the young actor shifts gears with his turn as a capricious army brat in the Call Me By Your Name director's new HBO series.

by Iana Murray / Photography by Nik Antonio  —  September 14, 2020

A few years ago, Jack Dylan Grazer took a trip to the movie theater. He was in Toronto and it was one of his days off from filming Shazam!, the DC comedy in which he plays the shape-shifting hero’s foster brother. He decided to watch Call Me By Your Name, and he immediately fell for it. Grazer took note of the director’s name that appeared in the credits—Luca Guadagnino—and turned to his mother.

“I want to work with him,” he told her. With eerie prescience, she assured him: “You will.”

Whether Grazer, now 17, has a knack for manifestation, or it was all just happenstance, his wish came true in the form of We Are Who We Are, Guadagnino’s coming of age drama which follows a group of army brats living on an American military base in Italy. Thematically, the show is something of a spiritual successor to Call Me By Your Name: Grazer plays Fraser, a tempestuous 14-year-old with a pair of headphones constantly plugged in his ears. He’s the new arrival at the base with his mothers (Chloë Sevigny and Alice Braga), and quickly forms a deep bond with his neighbour, Caitlin (Jordan Kristine Seamon), as they both wrestle with their sexuality and identity in the midst of domestic troubles and teenage debauchery.

“He’s an enigma to himself,” Grazer says of his character. “He doesn’t really understand a lot of the things he does but he’s so forthright so he convinces himself that he knows everything. He feels like other people don’t deserve his intelligence. But he’s also very volatile and aggressive at times, and not because he’s coming from an angry place but because he’s constantly questioning who he is.”

If Fraser is just beginning his coming of age when we first meet him, Grazer is inching closer to the end. Starring in enormous blockbusters including IT, he became the Loser Club’s resident hypochondriac at age 12 and a superhero’s sidekick by 15. His films have grossed a combined total of over $1.5 billion. Suddenly the stakes are multiplied tenfold during what are ostensibly, and horrifyingly, the most awkward years of your life. Every misstep is now being monitored, examined through a microscope of millions. (See: His 3.8 million fans on Instagram, to say nothing of the countless stan accounts.) Child fame is a disarming transaction like that: a stable career and all the other perks of being a celebrity, but at the cost of normalcy. That unalleviating pressure forces a kid to mature fast.

Grazer is acutely aware of this fact, admitting outright that he’s “not a normal person.” But he wouldn’t have it any other way.

“I became 70 when I was 7!” he laughs. “I don’t know if I really had much of a childhood. But I didn’t want to. I wanted to grow up really fast.”

Nevertheless, he’s still 17. When we meet over Zoom, his shoulder length curls are damp and disheveled (he just got out of the shower), his black painted fingernails contrast with his brightly-lit, white bedroom as he rests his face on his hand. It’s a Saturday morning and he looks tired: It’s his first week back at school, which has traded classrooms for hours of video calls reminiscent of the one we’re currently on. “It feels like the days are shorter because the teachers don’t want to torture their students by keeping them on a computer for six hours a day,” he tells me. “You do miss the social aspect of being at school.”

If you were to judge Grazer by what’s out there on the internet, you’d expect an anarchic and relentless bundle of energy. A quick YouTube search brings up results like “jack dylan grazer being a drama queen” and “jack dylan grazer being chaotic in interviews for 4 and a half minutes straight.” He trolled a YouTube gamer on Instagram Live. His TikToks are inscrutable.

But here, he’s incredibly earnest, as he excitedly talks about his skateboarding hobby (a skill he picked up after auditioning for Mid90s) and his attempts to learn the flute (“I need to learn how to read sheet music, but it’s like reading Hebrew!”). He’s calm and thoughtful, as if this project we’re discussing requires a shift in sensibility.

For Grazer, acting had always simply been fun. While other kids might take up a sport or get hooked on video games, he performed in musical theater with the Adderley School because he “just wanted to play.” His roles so far have been reflective of his carefree approach to the job: Up until now, he’s portrayed best friends with biting one-liners, or the younger version of the protagonist in a flashback. IT is a prime example of both. In the horror franchise, Grazer plays a neurotic germaphobe running from a fear-eating clown, but in reality, the film felt like “summer camp.��� Both films never felt like work; he just learned his lines and got to hang out on extravagant sets with his best friends. Likewise, school amounted to being pulled off set by a teacher in between takes to cram in the mandatory hours.

But with We Are Who We Are, he steps into his first leading role, one that required him to convey longing and confusion through Elio-like physicality and subtext. It’s abnormal to talk about the show as a turning point for an actor who isn’t even a legal adult yet, but Grazer explains that the show required him to radically change his approach to acting. He spent six months in Italy (“It felt like I was in Call Me By Your Name.”) and built up the character beyond what was on the page in collaboration with Guadagnino. “His philosophy is that we know our characters better than anyone else—even the writers—because we are the characters essentially,” he explains.

In many ways, Grazer absorbed that philosophy entirely. He describes the experience less as a performance and more like a “rebirth”—perhaps even an attempt at method acting. Over those months in Italy, the distinctions between actor and character gradually became indistinguishable. “I had no other choice but to act and surrender to Fraser entirely and throw Jack Dylan Grazer out the window,” he says. “I would go out and get a coffee as Fraser and walk like Fraser. That was just me trying to get into [character], but then I slipped at some point and just became Fraser.”

One day on set, he looked at himself in the mirror, and the hardened kid standing there with a bleach-blond dye job and oversized shorts was unrecognizable to him. He could only see Fraser. While talking about his character, he seems to unintentionally switch pronouns, from “he” to “I”, as if the two still remain one and the same.

The process was so transformative that it forced him to re-evaluate himself entirely. “I never really struggled with identity before,” Grazer tells me. “But I think the show opened up my eyes to question myself. Being Fraser forced me to question what I wanted and what I stood for and what I believed in. At some points, the show bled into reality.”

When asked how he has changed, he takes a pause and a pensive swivel in his armchair, unsure of how to answer. “I think I was more ignorant before I did the show,” he says, and he leaves it at that.

Coming of agers are a particularly well-trodden genre, but there’s a naturalistic, raw energy to We Are Who We Are that is distinctive from what we’ve seen before. Each character quietly struggles with their own problems and growing pains—for Fraser, it’s his sexuality. Caught in a fraught relationship with his lesbian mother and an infatuation with another man, his story doesn’t tick off the familiar beats. His personal discovery is instead internal and intimate. "I think every single person born as a boy has this guard. It’s this guard that they don’t even realize they have, where they’re initially like, ‘Being gay? I could never.’ But we’re all born as humans who are attracted to whatever we’re attracted to," he says. "I think that’s how Fraser interprets it as well. Yes, he’s reserved and nervous about it in the beginning because he’s unlocking this new idea for himself. He’s figuring it out, and that’s what you see in the show: him coming to terms with this idea."

As our conversation winds to a close, I ask him if Martin Scorsese ever visited the set—his daughter, Francesca, plays the confident cool girl of the show’s teen cohort—and his eyes widen. “That was actually a really stressful day,” he divulges. Still, he revels in the memory, speaking so fast it’s like someone has put him on 2.5x speed as he shows off his impersonation of Guadagnino. The director was so nervous about Scorsese’s presence that production halted that day.

“Luca was like, ‘I cannot do this today because Martin Scorsese is on my set. I don’t know what to do, this is not good for me. I will have a panic attack before the day ends,’” Grazer says in his best Italian accent. “It’s like if you’re a painter and Van Gogh shows up.” 

Admittedly, Grazer is also a self-proclaimed superfan of the Wolf of Wall Street director, and afterwards, he got to spend several days with his idol, as they went on lavish restaurant outings in Italy and talked about anything and everything.

He takes a second to compose himself. A giddy, Cheshire cat smile spreads across his face. The kid in him comes flooding back.

“...Oh my god!” he yells. “I met Martin Scorsese!”

Gay Secrets and Fabulous Hair

pairing: jily (james x lily), wolfstar (remus x sirius)

genre: fluff FLUFF FLUUUUUUUUFFFFFFFFF

warnings: minor panic attack

words: 4508

“What’s up, Evans?” Sirius said, coming into the common room and sitting on the couch beside Lily.

“What? Oh, nothing,” she said.

“Come on, spill,” Sirius said. “What’s bothering you?”

“Nothing, nothing. Just Potter—”

“Ah, got James on your mind now, have you?” Sirius said, smirking.

“Shut up, Sirius,” she said, but she blushed and looked at her hands, giving her away entirely. “He’s just getting on my nerves is all.”

“Hmm, what did he do this time?” Sirius asks.

“Ok, this is going to sound dumb. But he won’t shut up about his hair and it’s giving me a headache. He’s just so self-absorbed. It was fine when I hated him because I didn’t have to listen to him rambling on about it all the time but now that we’re actually friends… it’s quite irritating.”

“Yeah, he hasn’t shut up about his hair for about seven years. Although I suppose I’m being a hypocrite right now cause, let’s be honest, neither have I.”

“True, true,” Lily said. “It just annoying, you know?” But she had a small smile on her face. She tried to hide it but Sirius saw it. He knew Lily fancied James. It was beyond obvious. But while she refused to admit it he could still have some fun, couldn’t he? Besides, it wouldn’t be long before Lily and James got together. He should take advantage of this opportunity before it’s too late. And he just had the perfect idea.

“You know,” he started, grinning mischievously at Lily, “we might be able to fix that.” Lily turned to him, eyebrows raised.

“I’m listening.”

---------

When James wakes up the next morning, Sirius is still asleep. Predictable. He changes and goes downstairs to breakfast but before he leaves the common room, a new notice on the noticeboard catches his eye.

Society for Witches and Wizards with Hair More Fabulous Than Life Itself

Exclusive invitations will be given to those with outstanding hair by tonight

If you wish to join and were not given an invitation, you may come to the auditions that will be held over the next two days and we, Lily Evans and Sirius Black shall decide if your hair is spectacular enough to join our club.

Again, it was predictable that Sirius would start a society for people with fabulous hair. But Lily? She was always going on about how James was too self-absorbed. This seemed pretty hypocritical. Although, in all fairness, Lily did have fabulous hair. James Potter, of all people, would know that.

All day, James waited for Sirius or Lily to invite him to join their society but neither one of them mentioned anything. Lily invited Marlene at lunch and she accepted, giving Lily a bewildered look until Lily whispers something in her ear and they both giggle and keep whispering together. James edges closer to where their sitting and tries to be as quiet as possible. Lily’s laugh was the most angelic sound James had ever heard and every time he heard it, it filled him with a sense of warmth and bubbly happiness and excitement. He knows that Lily doesn’t like him like that but he can’t help treasure these moments where he can appreciate all the little things about her that somehow nobody else seems to notice. Her laugh, her smile, her eyes.

James didn’t want to be in love with Lily. Loving someone who could hardly stand you was painful enough, but to become friends with her and realize that she’s more incredible than you could’ve ever imagined… that was a type of hurt James never thought he would experience. No, James did not want to be in love with Lily Evans. But it baffled him that there were people — living, breathing people who existed in this world — who had not fallen in love with her. James thought it was unavoidable.

He didn’t tell Lily any of this, of course. James had asked Lily out but she had turned him down. And that was it. He respected her decision. But that didn’t mean he could fall out of love. Because he was sure that it was love that he felt for Lily. True love or soulmates or whatever you want to call it. But this was it. This was the real deal. The only trouble was that it was only real for James.

It was nearly eleven at night when James finally asked Sirius about his invitation. He had given up waiting for either him or Lily to approach him and decided to just ask Sirius.

“I mean, I know we share a room but don’t you think you’ve waited a little too long?” James said. “Marlene got her invitation at lunch.”

“Um, Jamie, I don’t know how to break this to you but…” Sirius started, “you weren’t invited.”

“What?” James said. “But I have spectacular hair!”

“Just… come to the auditions tomorrow if it means so much to you, ok mate?” James merely shrugs.

The next day James still hasn’t decided if he wants to audition. On one hand, he knows he’ll pass the audition because, well, have you seen his hair? But on the other hand, he doesn’t want to give Sirius the satisfaction of knowing that James actually cares about his hair. Because he was sure that Sirius didn’t invite him on purpose. What other reason could there be? It certainly wasn’t because of James’ hair. That he was certain of.

It’s during lunch that James makes up his mind, after discovering that both Mary and Dorcas auditioned.

“They score you out of ten,” Mary explained to him. “I got a 7 but they said that isn’t a high enough score.”

“Don’t worry about it, Mary, you have beautiful hair,” James reassured her. Mary smiles at him like he’s a little kid.

“Thank you, James. I don’t really care, to be honest; I was just curious to see what they’re doing,” she says shrugging. “What did you get, Dorcas?”

“I got a nine,” Dorcas said.

“Good on you,” James says, clapping her on the back.

“Thanks, James,” Dorcas said laughing. “Are you going to audition?”

“Probably,” James said, shrugging. He tries to look nonchalant but he’s determined to go now.

When James finds the classroom that the audition is being held in, he knocks on the door.

“Come in,” says Lily’s voice. She and Sirus sitting behind a desk with quills and parchment. James enters and stands in front of their desk.

“Ok so how does this work?” he asks. “Do you just score me now or…?”

“Potter, you get a two out of ten,” Lily says, writing something down on a piece of paper. “Not nearly close enough to join. You’re dismissed.”

“What?! How? I have the best hair out of all of you!”

“Because Potter, your hair is messy and sticks up in odd places and it looks like you’ve never bothered to run a comb through it in your life,” Lily says.

“Sorry mate, she’s right,” Sirius said. He’s got a hand over his mouth but it’s clear he’s laughing.

“Wha— I… fine,” James grumbles. He points a certain finger in their direction and stalks out of the room, outraged.

---------

“Remus!” Remus turns around at the sound of his name and sees James walking towards him.

“Oh, hey James,” Remus says.

“Hi, Moony, my new best friend,” James says, swinging an arm around him. Remus looks at him suspiciously.

“What did Sirius do?” he asks.

“What makes you think Sirius did anything? Can’t a guy decide that no longer want a… a… annoying person as their best friend?”

“Really? Annoying person? That’s the best you can do?” Remus says, rolling his eyes.

“Give me a break, I’m not used to actually insulting Sirius,” James muttered.

“So what did he do?” Remus asks again.

“Did you hear about his and Lily’s Society for fabulous hair?”

“Oh yeah,” Remus said, laughing. “Oh. Did you not pass the audition?”

“It’s so unfair!” James bursts out. “I mean you and I have perfectly good hair.”

“Um, James…. I was, um, I was actually invited,” Remus mumbled.

“They invited YOU?!?!?!” James exclaims. Remus holds back laughter and nods. Benefits of fucking one of the founders of the society, I guess, Remus thinks. He nearly says it out loud but stops himself. James goes on to ramble about his hair but Remus isn’t really listening anymore. He’s thinking about Sirius (no surprises there).

If Remus is being honest with himself, he’s tired of sneaking around. He loves Sirius. He loves Sirius more than anyone. And he wants people to know it. He’s not saying they should go around broadcasting their relationship but being able to hold hands in public or make jokes (such as these) around their friends would be nice.

His whole life Remus had done nothing but hide his identity. When his friends found out he was a werewolf it was an enormous weight lifted off his chest. When he told his friends he was gay, not only were they all incredibly supportive, but it had given Sirius the courage to come out to Remus as well. That was how they got together in the first place.

Neither he nor Sirius had been ready to share their relationship with the rest of their friends back then. But Remus was ready now. But he didn’t want to push Sirius into anything. Sirius wasn’t out to their friends and if his family ever found out the consequences could be dire, even though Sirius no longer lived in Grimmauld Place. And Remus wouldn’t risk Sirius’ safety for anything. When Sirius was ready he would tell him. And Remus would wait. He’ll wait as long as it takes. He’d wait forever. Because nothing can compare, nothing can even come close, to the all-consuming happiness that Remus feels when he’s with Sirius. And he wouldn’t give that feeling up for the world.

---------

But Sirius was becoming tired of being closeted too. He used to be so afraid of leaving the closet. He felt the fear in his bones; it would make him shiver. It had been a safe place for him. Safer to hide his feelings, to bury them, than to risk his family finding out. Or worse, his friends finding out and hating him. But now the closet felt small and suffocating. Sirius was tired of hiding who he was. He was tired of it. When he was with his family he wore a mask of confidence and rebelliousness to protect himself. But when he was with his friends he had always been himself. Unapologetically himself. Keeping a secret this big from his friends, especially from James, felt weird and unnatural. But the threat of his family hung over his head like a vulture, waiting for the perfect excuse to strike, not only at him but at the Potters now too. And Sirius was afraid that this would be just the excuse they were waiting for.

---------

Lily and Sirius kept up the society for a couple of days before deciding that they had dragged it on long enough. They told the few people who had joined that they had been playing a prank on someone and thanked them for playing a vital part in it but it was over now.

Later that night, Lily was in the library working on her Charms essay with her friends, although they were doing more talking than working.

“Ugh, Lily, I can’t do this,” Marlene complained. “Please help me.”

“I can’t, Marls, I’m sorry,” Lily said, checking her watch. “I have prefect rounds soon.”

“You mean Head Girl rounds,” Alice corrected.

“Eh, it’s the same thing,” Lily said. “They’re equally boring.”

“Really? Even when you get to spend all that quality time with James Potter,” Dorcas said, winking at her.

“Shut up,” Lily said, blushing.

“Speaking of spending quality time with your crush—” Mary started.

“He is not my crush!” Lily insisted.

“You don’t really think we believe you, do you Lils?” Alice asked. Lily sighed in defeat.

“Fine,” she said. “I like him and I would also like to not make a big deal of it. You were saying, Mary?”

“I was just going to ask where Remus is,” she said. “He could help us with this essay if he wasn’t… preoccupied.”

“Yeah, he and Sirius disappeared after dinner,” Marlene said, smirking.

“Yeah, they’re not fooling anyone any more than you are Lily,” Dorcas said.

“Hey, I’m not that bad!” Lily insisted. “Am I?”

“Not quite,” Dorcas said, laughing.

“But that’s not saying much, Lils,” Marlene said.

“Ugh, now I really have to go,” Lily said. “But I can check your essay later if you want me to Marlene.”

“Lily, you’re an angel. I love you. Seriously, thank you so so much,” Marlene said, hugging Lily.

“Of course,” Lily said, laughing. “See you guys later.”

She hurried back to the Gryffindor common room to put her books away and find James. The first sign that something was wrong was that James wasn’t waiting to greet her at the entrance. Every day without fail, James would wait for Lily to be ready for their rounds, unable to hide his excitement. But today she finds him sitting alone in the common room, biting his nail and doodling on a piece of parchment while staring into the fire, seemingly absent-mindedly but Lily can that something is bothering him.

“Ah Potter, don’t be so upset about the hair thing, ok?” she says, coming up from behind him and ruffling his hair flirtatiously before she sits on the couch beside him. “It’s nothing personal. Well, actually no, it’s very personal but it’s all just a joke, right? It’s over now anyway. We called it off.”

“What?” he asks, looking at her. “Oh, yeah. I mean, no that's not why… you know what never mind.”

“What is it?” she asks.

“It doesn't matter,” James replies.

“Potter, something is obviously bothering you. If it didn’t matter you wouldn’t be thinking about it. What's the matter?”

“Fine,” James says. “It’s… I’m worried about Sirius.”

“Sirius?” Lily asks. She was confused. Sirius seemed fine to her. Happier, in fact, than he had been all of last year. Happier than he had been in a long time. She had thought that this was because he had left his family and moved in with James over the summer. But perhaps James had seen something that she hadn’t. “What about him? He seems fine, doesn’t he?”

“He seems fine,” James says. “But he keeps sneaking around at night and disappearing during the day—”

“Isn’t that custom for you two?” she asks, smirking.

“Yeah for us. But now he’s going alone. And every time I ask him about it he has the worst cover-up stories. I mean, there’s only so many times you can go to the bathroom in one day. I’m worried that he’s… I don’t know. He’s never done this before. I don’t want him to do something stupid and get himself hurt.”

“When you say sneaking around and disappearing… do you mean when he goes with Remus?” Lily asks, slowly.

“What?” James asks. “I mean, I never really thought about that. I just always figured Remus was going to the library to study or going somewhere with you or Mary or Alice. Like he does all the time. I didn’t think what they were doing was connected. Do you?”

“Um, Potter,” Lily says, starting to laugh, “you are really the most oblivious shit on the planet, aren’t you?”

“I am not!” James insists. Then after a moment, “what do you mean?” Lily rolls her eyes.

“I can’t believe I actually have to tell you this,” she says, pinching the bridge of her nose. “Remus and Sirius are dating.”

“What?” James says. Then after comprehending the words that Lily just said, he jumps up to his feet. “WHAT?” Lily starts laughing.

“How the fuck did you not realise that?”

“No way,” James said. “No fucking way. Sirius isn’t even gay, Evans.” Lily just laughs harder.

“Oh god, you really are stupid,” she says. “Fine, if you don’t believe me, go upstairs to your dorm right now, quietly, and see what Remus and Sirius are doing. If they aren’t making out, I will give you five sickles. If they are, you have to give me five sickles. Deal?”

“Deal. You’re delusional, Evans.” So they shake on it and James goes upstairs.

---------

The door is locked. James casts Alohomora non-verbally and creaks the door open. And there they are. Locked in a kiss, Sirius pressed up against the wall, his shirt hanging open, Remus’ jumper on the floor. James stands there, his mouth hanging open at the sight of his two best friends making out. Suddenly they break apart.

“James,” Sirius says, suddenly and Remus whips around to face James as well.

“Holy shit,” James says. “Holy shit. Um.”

“Oh god. James, we’re so, so sorry,” Remus said. “We didn’t mean for you to find out this way.”

“No, don’t be,” James said. “I’m sorry I— Sirius, are you ok?” Sirius’ whole body was shaking and his face was as white as a sheet.

“Sirius?” Remus said, turning towards him. Sirius just shook his head and bit his lip, hands trembling uncontrollably. “Come here, love,” Remus whispered. “Sit down. It’s going to be fine. I promise everything is going to be fine. Just breathe, Sirius.” James hurried towards Sirius and hugged him tightly.

“Sirius,” he said, pulling back and looking him dead in the eye, “it’s ok. I promise you, I don’t care. I don’t care if you like guys or girls or both or neither. I don’t care. You’re still my best friend. You’re still my brother. You’re still you.” Sirius nodded and he seemed to calm down a little. He closed his eyes for a moment.

“Try to breathe,” Remus said, softly. He was holding Sirius’ hand, tracing slow comforting circles in his palm. James smiled at their joined hands.

“So,” he said, as Sirius started to calm down. “You two are dating?” Sirius nodded and Remus said a quiet, “yeah.”

“So that means you’re gay too?” James added to Sirius. “Or bi? Or something else?”

“I… um,” Sirius started hyperventilating again.

“It’s ok,” James said quickly. “You don’t have to tell me anything.”

“No, no, it’s fine, I just…” Sirius closed his and took a deep breath. “I’m pansexual.” James was silent.

“I–I don’t really know—”

“Yeah, I figured you wouldn’t know,” Sirius said, nodding. “It’s ok, though, I don’t mind explaining. Basically, it means I like people of all genders. Like… I like them for who they are regardless of gender. If that makes sense.”

“Yeah,” James said. “Thanks for telling me, Pads. And I’m really sorry that I… y’know, walked in on you and freaked you out.”

“It’s fine,” Sirius said. “We meant to tell you anyway, we just…” He glanced at Remus. James nodded.

“You–you really don’t mind this?” Remus asked, biting his lip.

“Of course not,” James said. “I love you guys. You’re my best friends and I want you to be happy. And if being together makes you happy then I’m happy for you— wait, fuck!”

“What?” they asked at the same time, looking alarmed.

“No, no, it’s no big deal. Just now I owe Evans five sickles.”

“What?” said Remus. “You were betting on… what?”

“I told her that I was worried about you guys because you kept sneaking around and disappearing and she said that you’re together but I didn’t believe her. So yeah, she bet me five sickles that you two are dating.”

“Damn, I thought we were good at sneaking around,” Sirius said, shaking his head and laughing.

“You were,” James said, “but Evans is… she knows everything.” A dreamy look came across his face and Remus and Sirius exchanged a smirk.

“Proud of you, mate,” James said, snapping out of his daze and clapping Sirius on the shoulder. “You too, Rem.”

“Thank you, James,” Sirius says, hugging him, “for… you know. Being so supportive. It really means the world to me.”

“No, you shouldn’t be thanking me,” James says, hugging him back. “I should be thanking you for sharing it with me. See, that’s the problem with our world. Well, one of the many problems but those are to fix another time. Moony, come here, it’s group hug time.” Remus rolled his eyes but smiled as he joined the hug.

“Okay, um, I’ll… let you get back to… you know,” James said, gesturing towards the bed. Remus goes redder than James has ever seen but Sirius grins. James leaves the dorm and goes back to the common room, sitting down next to Lily, who is holding out her hand expectantly. James high-fives her and she rolls her eyes and smiles slightly. He fishes five sickles out of his pocket and hands them to her. She cackles.

“I told you so,” she says.

“Yeah, yeah, you’re always right and I’m oblivious and dumb.”

“Come on, Potter,” she says. “Time to patrol the corridors.”

“Ugh, do we have to?” he asks, pouting.

“Yes, Potter we have to. Stop complaining, I’ve been doing this since fifth year. And my partner got replaced with an annoying little shit so—”

“Rude!” James said.

“But true,” Lily said laughing.

“Ever heard of a white lie, Evans?” James says, smiling and standing up.

---------

They cover half the castle while making jokes and laughing, not really paying attention to whether or not students were out of bed or not until Lily decides she has to bring it up.

“Potter, what’s up?” she says.

“What?”

“What’s bothering you?”

“Nothing. It doesn’t matter,” he said, shaking his head.

“Come on,” Lily said, poking him in the side. “I helped you with the last thing, didn’t I? You can tell me.”

“Ok. It’s just… when I walked into the dorm they were kissing. And then Sirius saw me and he completely freaked out. Like he really thought that I wouldn’t be ok with it. He really thought I would hate him or something. And… I don’t know. I mean, after everything he still doesn’t trust me?”

“James…”

“It’s stupid, I know. This isn’t even about me. And I’m not trying to make it about me, I swear. I just… I don’t want Sirius to feel like he can’t tell me stuff. He’s my best friend. I tell him everything and I want him to feel like he can do the same with me. I don’t want him to keep secrets from me because he’s afraid that I’ll hate him because of it.”

“Ok, first of all, it’s not stupid at all. I get what you’re saying. But you have to understand where Sirius is coming from, too. It’s not that he doesn’t trust you. He would trust you with his life, James. He does. But usually, it’s the people we love and trust the most that it’s hardest to come out to. Because we think they’ll accept us but there’s always the chance that they won’t, you know? And if they don’t, how do you keep going from there? It’s taking a big risk. Sirius just wasn’t ready to risk his friendship with you. It means too much to him. Trust me, James, it was the same for me when I came out as bi. It’s not that he doesn’t trust you. It’s that he loves you too much to be ready to risk it.” James’ eyes were watering. He turned away so Lily wouldn’t see as he blinked them away.

“You really think so?” he asks quietly.

“Yeah,” she said. “But you can ask him if you want. Ask him if you can talk about it.” James nodded.

“Thanks, Evans.”

“Any time, Potter.”

“You called me James before.”

“So what if I did?”

“You never call me James.”

“I know,” she says. “Don’t get used to it.” Then after a moment, she adds, “I still can’t believe you didn’t know they were dating. I mean you literally spend all of your time together, you share a fucking room with them for Christ’s sake.”

“How did you know?” James asks. “Did they tell you?”

“God no,” Lily says, shaking her head. “You really think they would tell me and not you?

“I suppose not,” he replies. “How did you know then?”

“Well Potter, see I have these things in my head called eyes that I use to see. And then the things that I see go to my brain, where I string two and two together. Although, I suppose you wouldn’t know about that seeing as you don’t have a brain.”

“Oh, very funny,” James says, rolling his eyes. “Really witty. Your jokes are worse than Sirius’ puns.”

“Now that’s just mean.” And they both laugh. Lily has to bite her lip to keep from sighing. Ugh, his laugh is just too cute! she thinks. God, this is so stupid! Lily knows that James likes her. She knows that. And she likes him too. So what’s holding her back? She thinks for a moment and then the answer comes to her. Nothing. In this moment in time, right now, nothing is holding Lily back. She stops walking.

“Evans?” James asks, stopping as well. “Why’d you stop? Is everything ok? ” She leans forward slowly, not breaking eye contact with James. Lily waits until she sees the realisation grow in his eyes as he realises what’s about to happen and then she kisses him. Her hands find the back of his neck and she pulls him closer as she feels his hands in her hair. And then his hands are on her cheeks but only for a moment before she feels him pull away; he’s looking her dead in the eyes.

“Is this another joke?” he asks. “Because if it is it’s not funny.” Lily shakes her head quickly.

“No, it’s not a joke,” she says. “I swear, it’s not a joke.”

“Really?” he asks, his hazel eyes lighting up.

“Really,” she replies, smiling warmly. “I just really wanted to kiss you because… I like you, Potter.”

“Is this a dream? I mean, it’s gotta be a dream, right? Because there’s no way you just—” Lily laughs.

“No, Potter, it’s not a dream,” she said. “I really do like you and we really just kissed.”

“I— I… wow,” James said. “I mean, you know I like you, Evans, I’ve liked you forever. I just never thought I’d be lucky enough for you to like me. I mean…” James sighs and cups Lily’s face with his hands. “I love you, Lily. I mean, you probably already knew that but… I wanted to say it anyway.” Lily smiles warmth spreading from her cheeks to the tips of her fingers.

“I love you too, James,” she said, moving her body into his.

“Can I kiss you?” he asks.

“Yes,” Lily nods. And he does. Lily’s heart raced in her chest as James’ lips connect with hers and she tangles her fingers in his fabulous hair.

a/n: the part where James says that he should be thanking Sirius for coming out to him and not the other way around is based on my friend’s reaction when i told her that i’m bi. so yeah she deserves credit for that cause she’s the best

also regarding the part where sirius explains pansexuality to james,, please know that i am not pan and the explanation is something that i found on the internet. obviously, every pan person has a different experience but i hope i portrayed this fairly. if something doesn’t sound quite right to you please let me know because i dont want to spread a wrong image of pansexuality! thanks

Relationship with WAYV

➣ KUN ☾ karia

if it wasn’t for dotae potentially coming to kill him, he would steal aria into wayv

he’s the cool dad? 

they can’t spend a lot of time together because none of their schedules match up, but aria takes every third or so weekend out to come have dinner in the wayv dorms

she’s surprisingly close to the china line, and its a combination of ten dragging her to his dorm for an entire month and them just kinda adopting her when they realized she was a foreigner as well 

yuta can fight them, she’s one of them now

he doesn’t like to baby her a lot, and she really appreciates the break from being the “maknae” so to speak 

however does that stop him from giving her the forehead kithes? no

aria sad? forehead kith

aria mad? forehead kith

aria smad? forehead kith + kuddles (kun cuddles)

he has sent her a passive agressive text when he found out that she wasn’t eating enough again and had almost passed out

but he finished it with a heart so its ok

if she isn’t smiling at all times, someone will die

aria feels like she can trust him with a lot; that no matter what she tells him, he’ll never out her or make fun of her

kun actually took a two-week online course to learn how to make traditional japanese dishes when aria mentioned missing her parents

he originally was going to learn how to make irish dishes, but he changed his mind after seeing what they were

“im not giving my kids boiled cabbage and mashed potatoes what kind of post world war-”

wants to give her a chinese name but hasn’t yet because he hasn’t found the one that fits her right and he wants it to be perfect 

aria teaches him japanese phrases in exchange for him teaching her a little bit of mandarin

FAN FAVOURITE MOMENT.

aria saw kun’s back as she entered the practice room, the man standing with three other members in the centre of the floor before the choreographer came in to start their practice. coming up behind him, she wrapped her arms around his waist, peeking her head around from where she was. “hi!” she smiled brightly.

“hi,” ten chuckled, showing her the camera that had just filmed all of that. 

➣ TEN ☾ tenaria

Whipped(TM)

so so gone for her its upsetting actually

yangyang and aria share the position of his baby 

except aria willingly accepts the title while yangyang would rather fling himself from a rooftop

ten’s instagram is half his cats, half miyazu aria

he posts her dancing practice on his story a lot, with a variety of captions ranging from “thats my baby  ♡( ◡‿◡ )” to “yah that’s not right...(눈_눈)”

such an enabler for her bad ideas 

aria wants to go shopping at 4am? ten agrees, now they’re sitting by han river eating ice cream

pls he’s gonna get her in so much trouble one day

when they walk together, ten likes to take her hand and put it in his pocket 

its under the pretense of not wanting her to get lost 

he just wants to hold her hand

yes he has lost her in a shopping mall, and NO it wasn’t his fault

ten always complains that they never have schedules together and he misses his baby 

“we have superm-” “I NEVER SEE YOUUUU (ﾉಥ益ಥ)ﾉ”

if they’re in the same room ten is either watching her out of the corner of his eye, or is actually wrapped around her like a boa constrictor 

hugs n kithes all around

only he is allowed make fun of her mistakes in dancing 

anyone else gets deaded. he will fight for her honor how dare you insult his baby 

sm give these ttwo a dancing duo video pls 

FAN FAVOURITE MOMENT. 

the first and only time aria and ten had a duet was during their last concert on superm’s first world tour. during the second half of ten’s solo performance, aria emerged from the left side of the stage, coming to join him in the centre stage. no one had ever seen aria as serious as she was then, both herself and ten becoming completely different people in the moment. midway through, aria spun with her back to ten and leaped backwards into the air - eyes closed - completely trusting ten to be where she needed him to be to catch her. 

➣ WINWIN ☾ winria

a love hate relationship at its finest

they don’t actually hate each other it’s just really funny to pretend that they do (especially because yuta complains that 2 of his favourite people aren’t getting along)

winwin is so savage towards aria but it’s ok she claps back twice as hard

at first, before czennies had seen enough of their dynamic they thought that they actually did hate each other

but that’s not true they just don’t know how to express, affection, without brutally insulting the other with a loving tone

they are, surprisingly, the most stable pairing in 127 - they have a dynamic and rarely stray from that, which is a good comfort for the fans

despite what they might say to each other, they don’t mean any of it - and winwin has been seen several times raising his eyebrows with a questioning look at aria to make sure she wasn’t taking any of his playful jabs to heart

oh god the flexibility

the entirety of nct is terrified of them

the day sm gives them a circus act is the day that kun and taeyong have a heart attack

quietly supportive of each other - catch aria “playing” with a water bottle and not getting up to get it when it conveniently rolls across the floor and into winwin’s leg

he makes sure to save some new chinese sweets whenever the wayv members get packages from their familes, and sneak it into aria’s room before the managers can catch her breaking her diet

not really physically affectionate with each other, which played into czennies idea that they didn’t like each other but aria cleared it up in a vlive

“winwinnie and I, well. we don’t hug a lot because i know he doesn’t like it as much as i might, so i try to show him i care with other things :)”

FAN FAVOURITE MOMENT.

winwin and aria going in to each other on knowing brothers, to the point where the mc’s had their eyes popping out of their head and waved about to stop the segment before aria could start attacking winwin’s cooking methods-

nothing is off limits when it comes to them

➣ LUCAS ☾ arihei

besties 

please they’re so cute together - tol child next to tini child she barely comes up to his chest :(

bear hugs

he just swamps her in his arms, and when he doesn’t feel like being bent over he picks her up 

complains that she’s too heavy but then immediately after will throw her around like a softball 

someone tell this man to be careful with her she’s not a barbie doll 

singular braincell energy

don’t get it wrong, they’re both super smart 

so it’s just - being smort together, but then nearly dying because neither of them remembered that you couldn’t eat raw cookie dough when there are eggs in it

she adores how he’s so confident in the things that he does - like convincing the entire nct fandom that he was fluent in english? king behaviour

so aria looks up to him (literally) but also because she wants to have that confidence some day 

lucas says they’re not close and then aria pouts and he takes it all back

nczennies made a 14 minute compilation titled “lucas melting like a popsicle in australia for aria” 

and literally what the title tells you, this man goes :(( when he sees her 

lucas was actually the person to convince her to go ahead with the [redacted] proposal - and reminded her that it was too good an opportunity to pass up just because she felt like she was outgrowing the boys

he’s so proud of her

and she’s so proud of him 

they’re so proud of each other and it makes nczennies want to cry because they never are seen together 

sm stop separating the platonic soulmates first markhyuck and now arihei smh

FAN FAVOURITE MOMENT.

during a photoshoot, aria was standing off to the side of the boys, dressed in white suit to contrast the boys’ black ones. the photographer was calling out to her to get her to move closer, but she couldn’t hear him from so far away, and so lucas (who was on the end) just walked over to her, gripped her by the biceps and lifted her vertically and to the left a little bit. 

“luc-LUCAS?”

“you had to move :)”

➣ XIAOJUN ☾ arijun

honestly these two aren’t super close, just because their schedules never matched up until the NCT 2020 promotions

even when aria was dragged to the wayv dorms, xiaojun kept his distance from her because he didn’t want to make her uncomfortable 

even so, when they were filming Make A Wish together, they seemed comfortable enough around each other

there was a mutual agreement to not try fill the silence with awkward small talk, so they sat in silence when left alone together

they’re both shy :( someone needs to get them to talk to each other :(

even so, aria was all supportive smiles and thumbs-up when she saw him getting nervous before their first public stage as the unit 

he was a little intimidated of her at first, but also really curious about how she was holding her own against the other members

not only physically, but her vibes are tiny let the man be concerned ok

his first impression of aria was just: small quiet? she was sitting apart from the other boys in the practice room, and he almost wanted to go over and ask her if she was ok; before she was approached by donghyuck and her face broke into a bright smile 

aria’s first impression of xiaojun was: eyebrows he was really handsome? at first, she thought he was in the wrong room, seeing as the SM modeling auditions were happening in the next room down

any arijun shippers are starved of content im so sorry guys 

FAN FAVOURITE MOMENT. 

currently still up for debate between the fandom :(

➣ HENDERY ☾ aridery

ah these two 

you might as well sign a waiver if you decide to do anything with them, because they can and will get you killed 

kun can testify

ten’s the enabler but hendery is the do-er

super giggly around each other, for no reason at all

hendery could pick up and throw a basketball and suddenly aria’s on the floor in literal stitches 

have a secret code 

no seriously

they don’t text in words, they just send various reaction memes and a colourful variety of emojis to convey emotions and scenarios 

it’s become quite a beautiful language actually 

got some nice proverbs in there

they’re like, cousins but the ones you only see at family reunions but get so hype to see them

that energy 

asides from the chaotic, murderous vibes they possess as a duo

hendery knows what it’s like to miss home, to miss your parents, etc etc

and so he tries to make aria feel as home as possible - especially with wayv, because they’re all foreigners who know how she feels 

whenever he gets packages from his parents who have sent things over, he always makes sure to keep some of the small treats/sweets back for aria

1. because he knows she’ll appreciate the thought and she gives good hugs

2. because he knows she’s on a diet constantly and never allowed eat these things when she’s in the dorms with managers around 

FAN FAVOURITE MOMENT. 

filming the Resonance “Wish” event, aria was put in a skimpy minimalistic mock-suit to differentiate from the others’ clothes. unfortunately, that left aria with a little too much shoulder and chest on display than she would like, and she was noticeably uncomfortable with her clothes, constantly pulling it up and even going so far as to just hold it with her hands. 

hendery saw this, and knew he was finished filming his segment for the time being, so he pulled off his own jacket and tossed it over to aria, who caught it with a grateful smile. “thank you,” she mouthed to him, tugging the dark blue material over her shoulders.

➣ YANGYANG ☾ ariyang

aria. has 9 days of age on this boy and will never let him forget it

“respect your elders you brat” “9. DAYS.”

european pals 

they feel so cultured when they get asked about europe, and then are kindly reminded by hendery that A. Germany started 2 world wars, and B. Ireland was just a British colony until 100 years ago. 

they both hit him for that

aria teaching him curse words in irish and yangyang teaching her curse words in german? more likely than you’d think 

they met before yangyang’s debut was announced, in a practice room that had let them accidentally overlap their practice times 

instead of working it out between them, they actually just started to alternate their songs - and the other gave them some good, constructive criticism 

most of the time

when they found out they were going to be in 90s Love together, they were so happy 

it was going to be their first official schedule together

all the behind-the-scenes videos are just aria and yangyang being children and then ten coming over and cooing at them 

they love ten, but they will trash talk the man behind his back 

yangyang confessed to her that he sometimes feels nervous when speaking korean, like he’s going to make a big mistake

so she tries her best to teach and correct him where she can, and make him as comfortable as possible 

if you look at any of the 90s Love promotions - aria is always beside yangyang

he bit her ear once

she doesn’t know why and he won’t tell her

but now when she makes fun of him, he threatens to do it again 

FAN FAVOURITE MOMENT. 

aria skating onto the rink during filming, and yangyang following her because she promised to teach him how to skate backwards.

“ok just, think like you’re leading with your heels. press your knees in, and push outwards, with you-no no that’s forwards. go backwards yangyang.”

“no no no thats a WALL YANGYANG STOP-” 

Klance Fic Starter Pack

So back in June of 2018 I made a Klance Fic Starter Pack post but since it’s been a long while since then I decided it’s finally time for an update. So here we have it! - Karri

so why don’t we fall by aknightley (1/1 | 8,218 | Explicit)

Five times Lance used a pet name for Keith, and one time Keith used one for Lance.

Keith has no basis for having a relationship with someone, so he's trying to follow Lance's lead.

//nsfw

The Marks We Make by wittyy_name (12/12 | 255,302 | Mature)

Lance McClain constantly dreams of the day he'll finally meet his mysterious soulmate. They don't say much, if anything at all, but they leave him with gorgeous paintings temporarily tattooing his skin. It's not exactly the situation he hoped for, but when he feels the connection between them, he can't bring himself to resent them. As much as he wishes his soulmate would just talk to him, he's resigned himself to being patient. In the meantime, he has a loving family and good friends to help him get by.

Keith Kogane dreads the day he'll finally meet his obnoxious soulmate. He's just an art student who's struggling to find his place in the world. There's so much he hasn't been able to control in his life, and the thought of having a soulmate, just another thing in his life which he also has no control over yet can't do anything about, is a little terrifying. So he ignores the words that occasionally appear on his skin. He has other things to focus on: like being a new student at a big university where his childhood friend and step-brother go.

//nsfw

(shallura, hunk/shay)

Nightmares by Trashness (1/1 | 14,864 | Teen And Up)

Lance's nightmares are getting out of control. It's effecting his and the team's performance, but he's at a loss for how to fix this.

Apparently sleeping next to a warm body helps.

call me, beep me (10/10 | 85,591 | General)

(00:31) Do you think she gave me the wrong number on purpose? (00:31) Or was it a genuine mistake? (00:32) Like maybe she writes funny and I misread it? (00:32) Some of the numbers do look a little dodgy... (00:33) Cause, you know, her threes could very easily be poorly formed eights? And maybe she writes her sevens like her ones? (00:45) What (00:46) The (00:46) Fuck??? (00:47) Oh good, you are awake!

where lance messages the wrong number and things kind of snowball from there

(shallura)

Shut Up and Dance With Me by wittyy_name (15/15 | 249,827 | Mature)

Lance and his friends have been regulars at the Altea Dance Studio for years. Not just for classes, but to hang out, practice, and spend time with good people who love dancing. Every year, they audition to be one of the few representing Altea at the regional dance competition. Lance always auditions solo, but this year he misses out on auditions and blows his chance to participate. And so does his self-proclaimed rival, Keith.

Luckily, Shiro comes up with a brilliant plan: convince Lance and Keith to audition as a duo.

With a little convincing, and a lot of effort, these two might just be able to pull it off and go to regionals... or they might crash and burn.

//nsfw

(shallura)

Hearts Don’t Break Around Here by klancekorner (13/13 | 135,555 | Mature)

Lance and Keith have been best friends since first grade. Lance’s brain is always on overdrive and Keith’s blunt, realistic ass can never keep up. They both come to realize that sometimes you can learn a lot about loving yourself by loving someone else.

//anxiety //insecurities //nsfw

i bet you look good on the dancefloor by xShieru (7/7 | 43,295 | Teen And Up)

"So like in 'Step Up'?" Allura shrugs. "Now that you put it like that - yes. I guess it's just like in 'Step Up'." The smile that she sends Shiro's way - followed by a shy wave, eugh - is sickening to say the least, and Lance still doesn't believe in dance camps.

-

Lance McClain's dancing career begins and ends with Keith.

Keith just wants to find out what Lance's deal is.

(shallura)

you never stood a chance by kagshina (1/1 | 12,221 | Teen And Up)

lance to hunk ♡ >i’m gonna fukin die hunk oh mygod i sent >keith a work out selfie that i wan supposed to fcukin send to you and you know what it said >”BET YOU WANNA LICK THESE NIPS” >HUNK I WILL NEVE BE ABLE TO FCE HIM AGAIN I WANT TO DI E

(Or, Keith is beautiful, Lance has a crush, and there's lots of shirtless selfies)

nothing’s quite as sweet by dimpleforyourthoughts (1/1 | 50,369 | Teen And Up)

Keith is a barista who hates his job. Lance works at the cat shelter across the street.

Sweet Quiznak by CheckeredCloth (4/4 | 6,819 | Teen And Up)

"You're really into him," Hunk mutters, and wow, Lance's face is on fire. Hunk is killing him.

"Look, read into how you like, Freud, just make sure that if I die Keith knows I totally would've mowed his ass like grass. That way, I can laugh hysterically at his emotionally-constipated expression from the afterlife."

Or: Lance is badly injured and has a few skeletons in his closet. Or maybe just the one.

//blood //injury

What a Healing Pod Can’t Repair by Remember_Me (12/12 | 55,777 | Teen And Up)

The compromised wormhole was ripping apart at the seams, sending everyone spiraling away in completely different directions. Lance could feel himself being pulled and bent in ways he was definitely not supposed to be. -- Stitching the team back together after everyone is separated is difficult, and for one Paladin rescue wouldn't be coming for a very long time.

//violence //blood

Bonding Time by magisterpavus (1/1 | 16,416 | Explicit)

“Shiro, I fucked up,” Keith blurted, wringing his hands.

Shiro paused mid-punch, shooting him a quizzical look. “What? What happened?”

“I think,” Keith whispered, “I think I accidentally roofied Lance. With my dick.”

//nsfw

Homesick at Space Camp by K0bot (15/15 | 74,280 | Teen And Up)

Lance realizes he's been an asshole to Keith, and on a diplomatic mission to a key planet for the Voltron alliance he... overcompensates.

//blood //injuries //panic attacks

we’ll make it, you and me by ghostcribs (1/1 | 6,421 | Teen And Up)

"Keith, if we make it out of this alive, I'm going to kiss you."

//injury

time out of mind by aknightley (2/2 | 27,849 | Teen And Up)

Keith and Lance wake up married. In the future.

He lays there a moment, processing the faint throbbing in his head, a strange bitter taste like lemons in his mouth. When he opens his eyes, the room spins wildly into a kaleidoscope of colors, so he closes them again, breathing in and out until he feels less like he might throw up. He suddenly registers a warm weight over his waist, and lifts his head to see a brown arm thrown over him. It looks startlingly familiar, but different, bigger than he remembers, more toned.

Keith turns all the way around and comes face to face with Lance sleepily blinking his own eyes open.

A Fish And A Bird by Methoxyethane (1/1 | 13,141 | Teen And Up)

Lance has a boyfriend. Lance does not realize he has a boyfriend. Keith, understandably, does not react well.

On Thin Ice by anonimina (11/11 | 205,795 | Mature)

This multi-chapter fic chronicles the lives of a hockey player named Keith who gets enlisted into figure skating lessons by his brother, Shiro, to "work on his footwork". There he meets a pompous - yet talented - figure skater named Lance and gets swept away by both the sport and the skater.

Or: the not-so-simple story of two people trying to navigate the complexities of living in an ever changing world and face the traumas they've buried far away from the sunlight.

//anxiety 

(shallura, hunk/shay)

bench press me by eggboi (1/1 | 1,683 | Teen And Up)

“The hell are you doing?” Keith grumbles out, body mid-push up. There’s a snicker behind him, too close to his ears, though Keith can’t really understand what would be so amusing about this. Then again, he’s not really sure why Lance is lying on him while he’s doing push ups either. Other than to be, of course, annoying.

“Nothing.” Lance finally says. Keith hears the grin in his voice, which only proves to irritate him a little more. ‘Nothing’ his ass. “Continue with what you’re doing, Mr. ‘I’m-Too-Good-For-Socialization’.”

(Lance, as always, tries to annoy Keith by making his exercise harder. It doesn’t work. At all.)

My Youth Is Yours by MilkTeaMiku (10/10 | 29,980 | General)

An unforseen blast in the middle of a battle de-ages Lance into a child for a week.

Keith does not understand babies.