I'm aware of this sudden spike of discourse around The Good Doctor, and while I have never seen the show and I think many Autistic people are right to feel uncomfortable about how it portrays them, the way people are treating it with memes and stuff to criticise it bothers me?

Like I'm seeing even Autistic people instead of engaging in thoughtful critique just share memes and mock the character in it. And like, you can say it's "bad acting" or an "inaccurate portrayal", but I still think there's something uncomfortably ableist in how people are acting?

Like, the way people are acting is like when people act like bullying "weird" people or people who don't have friends is fine, but suddenly you find out they're Autistic and then you find out it's all bad to do that now but only because they have that formal label.

That's what this whole Good Doctor thing reminds me of. Thing is, even if it might not be true to you... I know other Autistic people who watch the show and even relate to the character. It might be problematic or not fully authentic, and you have every right to feel that way, but the thing is, not every Autistic person is the same. Some of us DO respond in ways many of us would write off as stereotypical. Some of us DO act in ways that might make us uncomfortable, and are not what we want to think of ourselves as.

Like, it feels a lot like there's a lot of respectability politics going on, deciding what the "right" way to show us is like, which is ironic given we're trying to fight a lot of stereotypes in the first place, which TGD sounds like it does fall into.

I might even go as far as calling it purity politics, in that we're so concerned with how people see us that anything uncomfortable is making people react poorly and lashing out as a result.

I will reiterate, I have not seen the show. I've heard mixed opinions from the friends I've spoken to, their relationship with it is complex. It doesn't sound like something I'd care for, especially with the neurotypical lens it's created through.

But my ultimate point is... no one of us is the same. We're not a monolith. Even if the show does suck hard, some of us might still relate, and they're not bad people because of it. Deciding who is and isn't a "good" Autistic is gatekeeping bullshit we don't need.

So yeah, you don't have to like The Good Doctor. You can hate it. But the way people are mocking it instead of having serious nuanced, empathetic discussions feels just like one step away from giving Allistics permission to mock us.

You can go "oh it's from us so it's fine!" but people still can internalise bigoted beliefs about themselves. Look at the purity politics in queer communities, for example. To act like your actions have no consequences is pure arrogance.

Also, think of how it looks out of context. I know I just whined about respectability politics but seriously... random person making fun of an Autistic character? Even if you make excuses, it still looks shitty, even if your reasons ARE valid.

I'm not defending this show. I do not have interest in doing so. What I'm concerned is that Autistic people have given in to internet toxicity and the need to appear perfect to the point we're willing to throw anyone who doesn't fit the "good" narrative under the bus.

And lastly, if you see me not uncritically mocking the show in a way that would be identical to a neurotypical bully at work or school and think that makes me your enemy, you're exactly who I'm talking about. Take a breath, step back, shut up, and reflect on yourself. You're really going to give into petty infighting over a show that some people have more complex feelings about than just pure hate when there's groups like "Aspie Supremacists" and the "Autistic Dark Web" out there?

You're not making our lives better by putting people who have diverging opinions about a questionable show on twitter or whatever. If you genuinely want better, more nuanced representation (I do too!), start by not putting each other down in the first place.

hcs for pomefiore?? 🙏

😭😭😭 ASTER…. I am so sorry but my hcs for Pomefiore are so disappointing 😭😭😭😭 I don’t really think about them often so I don’t have much aside from like my queer hcs and da autism/neurodivergent hcs ☝️

UM BUT HERE WE GO ☝️

🔻🔻🔻🔻

these are my main queer hcs for them:

Vil- Omni (high male pref, some enby pref) , any pronouns but prefers he/him 👍

Rook- pan 💥💥💥💥 he/none/it/they/ any he doesn’t care <//3 use whatever

Epel- GAY!!!! 🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈 he/him :3

“Wow lux your hcs are so boring” YES!! I KNOW!!!- I’m a very simple person 🙄🙄🙄🙄 ignore my 5000 million other AUs and hcs for them

Uhmmmm Vil and Rook have autism !! Epel is neurotypical to me 😢😢😢😢 sorry to everyone that hcs him as neurodivergent <//3

Okay now random ass hcs

ROOK HUNT FRECKLES 🗣️🗣️🗣️ has ALOT all over his body </3

Epel also has freckles but they’re very light…. And also doesn’t have a lot

In my heart Epel sleeps with like 3 blankets and like. A bunch of pillows 😭😭😭 cause I just think he likes being comfy 🤷

I think Vil swears… but like…. Very rarely…. And the chances are higher when he’s really mad…..

VIL LOVES COLLECTING JEWELRY 💥💥💥 loves getting them from different time periods…. Huge fashion history nerd….

Kind of related to the last hc but one of his stims is jewelry/gems…. He likes the way they feel… gold/glitter/sparkly stuff/anything that’s ‘carved’ are visual stims for him…. Also feathers….. he likes feathers in my mind…

Vil and Leona are exes okay…. And a stim he got from Leona is twirling his hair/trying to curl it… (if that makes sense)

GRAHH ROOK LOVES THE TEXTURE OF FUR AND FEATHERS 🫡🫡🫡 also leather he likes the way leather feels

😭😭 rook hunt the type of guy to crack his bones and it sounds so fucking terrifying like my GUYYYYY

Controversial opinion…. Rook hunt…. Isn’t a skinny twink…. He actually has some fat…some muscle… but not in a dorito waffle abs dehydrated anime boy and kinda way… no no no…. Wrestler type build…. In my heart and in my soul… when he gets older he has a strong man body type ✌️

And yeah that’s all I can think of rn 😢

Ummm… if you have every wondered what it’s like to have ADHD, Autism (Lvl 1), Anxiety and Depression but also have an overwhelming sense that you need to be strong and perfect then here’s a message I just sent to my friend because I needed to let someone in and didn’t know who else to say it to.

It seems to give a pretty clear explanation in my view.

I don’t know why I feel so annoyed and frustrated with myself for saying I have ADHD and Autism. I have those things and I’m not ashamed of them but why do I always need to tell people… so they understand why I’m different. I mean everyone’s different and have different ways of doing things, it’s not like I’m special nor does anyone care. It’s not an excuse! I should be completely cable of keeping that part of myself in and not feeling like I have to tell people.

Does the way I explain it to people make it sound like I’m trying to get attention? Does saying that I’m proud of it and love how it makes me more curious about things and how it has made me good at art, music, languages, school, mythology, sports, pretty much a lot of things because I enjoy knowing them make it sound like I’m arrogant or trying to brag or just put a label on things.

I have anxiety, Autism level 1, ADHD, Depression, have experienced an eating disorder and still at times do, I’m a red head with blue eyes, I’m bi/pan, anemic, have asthma and ahhhhhh. Does all of this when I contribute to a conversation and say something about one of them just make people think that I have a need to be special?

Im sure I don’t feel that way. I think the only reason some of my reactions to things like how I may have a panic attack need stimming and stuff like that only happen know because I know there’s a reason for it but what if I’m just making a big deal out of nothing.

I really need to learn to shut up at times I think, I don’t think people really care about my long spills nor do they really want to know what’s going on with me. Why are relationships so fucking difficult?!

Why can’t I just understand them and the way they work? Can’t they just be simple? Why if your dating someone does there have to be this whole thing of you have to do this with them and you can’t do this with other people? Why do I need sounds to go away when I get overwhelmed, the worlds loud! It shouldn’t matter? Why do I feel like it’s okay to be flaws but I need to be flawless all at the same time? Why am I afraid of not being perfect? Why if I felt like I told my parents about this they would just get angry at me and tell me it’s all in my head? Why am I crying? These are thoughts are dealing with on a daily basis why are they bothering me now? Why can’t I just keep it to myself? I’ve been handling shit on my own my entire life it’s nothing new? Why do I know that tomorrow I’m gonna be fine and this is just a moment where my walls have fallen down?

Why am I so confident sometimes and then the rest I’m just completely fucked up? Why do I always need to restrain myself? Why can’t I just scream and then get back to it all? Why do I have to feel ashamed? Why should I have to feel like my mum doesn’t want to admit I have Autism?

Why do I care if I have Autism or ADHD so much? They have always been apart of me? It doesn’t mean anything? They’re just caused by a genetic mutation and makes you neurotypical why does it even matter? They’re just labels, who even gives a damn? You could have neither one and act the same way as me and people might just call you weird? Why do I care so much about this shit? No one else fucking does, maybe I should just shut up for a while. It’s clear that when I make a joke that it’s taken offensively, it’s clear that no one wants to hear about my problems, it’s clear that no one wants to here my rants, it’s clear that no one wants to here about my hobbies or opinions, it’s clear that I don’t get how to properly interact with others. Maybe I should just shut up, but if I did then my parents would just go on about how somethings wrong and get angry at me for not talking to them about it and we would just end up in a fight where they are telling me to just get over it and if I turn it back on them for how they have made me feel this way then they would just get even more angry and deny it.

Dad brought up a post that said about how a guys son used to sing and never stop talking and now they will be in the same room and his son will have his headphones on not say a word and that his son doesn’t know how much is dad misses him. And dad said that reminded him of me. Doesn’t he get that they’re part of the reason I don’t talk all the time. Because evertime I did I got told to calm down or my joke was offensive or that they don’t need the elephant. Don’t they get I like my phone because it has my hyperfixations and ever since I was little have loved cartoons and looking at fanart because they were what got me through the hard days at school and my parents fighting. Don’t they get I used them to cope because everything was solved in 22minutes and that’s the world I like to escape to when I day dream.

Why the fuck does all this even matter, why the fuck am I just being so overly emotional? Why can’t this just be all there is going through my brain right now?

Obviously there’s more.

There’s the voice telling me to just let myself cry and the voice telling me to suck it up and another one telling me to get ready for work and another one telling me to stop messaging and another one saying don’t put this on them and another one asking why I’m shaking and another if one saying I’ve done well to hold back the tears and another one saying I wonder when this message thing will cut me off and I’ll have to send two seperate messages? And another one asking is this just what my head is like? Is this what everyone’s head is like? Is this just because of my mental health shit? Am I just weak? Am I really this pathetic that I can’t pull myself together? I don’t want anyone to feel bad for me so why do I need to let anyone in? Why do I want to so badly to talk about this but also say nothing at all?

What the fuck is wrong with me, why can’t I just get the hell over it and move on, people deal with way worse stuff then this and here I am complaining because my low self esteem and hyper active over thinking head is just having a bad day and pulling me into it and won’t fucking leave me alone… what a pathetic excuse. You can’t use excuses in life. No one cares and no one has time for them, no one’s gonna help you so stop making excuses and just get on with it.

Put on your uniform, pack your bag and go to work and put on a happy cheerful face and just go take care of other people so that you don’t have to think about this. Just get on with it, there a bigger things then yourself and you just gotta get over what’s going on in your head

I’m Okay… I’m okay now.

If you’ve every felt this way, please let me know.

I don’t want to feel so alone anymore, nor do I want others to feel alone either.

I just felt these were necessary to make the whole thing a little less sad and full on serious and honestly feel like these characters would get it. Also this is not my art💫

tagged by @cinematicnomad to post 7 comfort movies. (i would like you to know i struggle with lists like this because my autistic brain very much wants me to be AS PRECISE AS POSSIBLE and i only learned very recently that neurotypical people don’t worry about that?? they just…answer without worrying if they’re picking their top 7 comfort movies?? they just…pick 7 movies and move on with their life?? wild.)

1. spotlight. kat and i have this one in common, and for good reason - it’s just so. damn. satisfying. people who do bad things get called out on their bad stuff and people who had been ignored get heard. it’s (in my opinion) one of the most re-watchable dramas out there. and man…such a good cast.

2. howl’s moving castle. look, probably most of the studio ghibli movies could make this list, but howl is the one i turn to the most because the whimsical, fun, warm vibes of this movie feel like a HUG. the growth of all of the characters makes me smile and you just want to FALL into this movie. i absolutely want to take a walk through some hills and find myself at the door of a wacky castle with a super hot wizard, thanks very much.

3. major league. i asked my younger brother once how many times we’ve seen this movie and he laughed and said, “oh man…at least a couple dozen.” you have to understand this movie is a solid piece of the foundation of my childhood. we only had the basic stations when i was a kid and this movie was on on saturday afternoons constantly. CONSTANTLY. i can probably quote the entire thing from memory. there’s something about a baseball movie that always makes me feel like i’m living in an endless summer afternoon, like i have nowhere else to go, nothing else to do. it’s an unsurpassed vibe: just baseball and a warm afternoon that never ends.

4. 10 things i hate about you. another endlessly quotable movie - and one i share with my sister. also our dad loves it - and quotes it to me too. there isn’t a lot to say for this one other than sometimes a movie comes along and it’s just yours, you know? this is one of mine. when my sister had her oldest child i bought her a tiny red izod polo shirt and she immediately asked, “did you buy this from an outlet mall?” YES. I ABSOLUTELY DID AND I HAVE NEVER BEEN PROUDER RO BE YOUR SISTER THAN IN THIS MOMENT, RIGHT NOW.

5. rudy. if there’s something i think everyone needs to know about me, it’s this: i love inspirational sports movies. LOVE THEM. absolutely cannot get enough. do i know exactly what the filmmaker is doing to me every time i hear sweeping music and someone starts running in slo-mo? oh yeah. abso-fucking-lutely. do i care? not the smallest bit. in fact i lean into that shit. rudy is one of the best ones and it also gets extra bonus points because for a long time it was the only movie i ever cried at. that’s not hyperbole. people would refuse to watch it with me because i’d always be reduced to a blubbering mess by the end. HE’S SO LITTLE. AND THEY CARRY HIM OFF THE FIELD. give me a break. i’m not made of stone.

6. steel magnolias. the hallmarks of this list are a) i have watched this movie at least a dozen times, b) this movie has a VIBE, and c) this movie is insanely quotable. this movie passes all three with flying colors. the cast is absolutely stellar, and this community of women who love and support each other is just…THE ACTUAL BEST. but also: it has dolly. DOLLY. “what size shoe do you wear?” “well, i wear a size six, but a seven feels so good, i buy a size eight.” perfection. PERFECTION.

7. ocean’s eleven. you know how i love an inspirational sports movie? I LOVE A HEIST MOVIE. like LOVE. the whole genre is smart and fun, and ocean’s eleven is also stylish and funny and just a fantastic fucking time. it has an insane cast and a great soundtrack and it’s just so GOOD. so so good. it’s a film told with a wink that manages to carry the best part of 50s/60s swag into the 00s, and we are all the better for it.

i tag: @tattooedsiren, @machtaholic, @smowkie , @itsactuallycorrine , @caroandcats , @elisela , and @missanniewhimsy and whoever else wants to do this. it’s a fun one.

Hi! As a fellow trans dude who has recently discovered his autism at the ripe old age of 26, I can wholly sympathize with how you’re feeling right now. Everyone’s experiences are different, but from what you described we have very similar ones. I get extremely overwhelmed in loud, cramped situations to the point of losing speech, I get irritable and angry when planned events don’t adhere to my scheduled expectations, and certain frequencies (like clattering cutlery, loud drum beats through speakers, etc) make my nerves go haywire. What I can say is that you don’t have to call yourself autistic if you aren’t comfy with that, however it may help to learn and lean into autistic coping mechanisms for overstimulation (which sounds like that is happening during those social situations) like acquiring stim toys to help regulate, bring sensory dampeners like ear plugs (loop is a great company that makes ear plugs that block out certain frequencies for different situations), and listen to your body and your mind. If you can tell you’re starting to shut down, don’t force yourself to be like everyone else and stay if that isn’t what you want/can handle. It took me a long time to accept that I’m NOT like neurotypical people and i don’t have to pretend like I am just to fit in with the vibe. Do what feels best for you and your needs — no one else’s opinion is more important than that. If you find that you really do want to stay but can tell you’re shutting down, sometimes taking a break in a quiet space like a bathroom can help, and you can return after feeling better. I also highly recommend finding someone you trust in those situations who can help you leave if necessary. Whether it’s literally getting you out, or making it more socially acceptable/comfortable for you, I can personally attest to how much better it is when you can confide in someone about your needs in those moments and allowing them to assist you. Also, if it helps to know, I am not formally diagnosed as autistic for a variety of reasons, namely the things that can be denied of those with a formal diagnosis (like gender affirming care), but I have several autistic friends who have helped guide me to this conclusion and my life is much better for it. I know who I am and why I am Like This, and every day is easier knowing the ways I can actually help myself instead of questioning why I’m not like “everyone else”. I don’t need a diagnosis for that, and I’m happier this way. If you don’t want one either, that’s okay. Being autistic comes with a lot of ups and downs, but truly learning how to live with your brain and the way it works can lead you to so much light. The first time I let myself stim out of joy was a euphoric experience. I promise you that being autistic isn’t all sensory overload. I wish you all the best on this journey <3

thank you 😭 this is really sweet and really really helpful. I don't think I'm looking for a diagnosis either, mostly because I doubt most places I can get one will fully respect me or my experiences. I also don't want it to impede on getting GA care. Other than that, I feel like these symptoms have prolly been around for a long time, but it wasn't until a few years ago that I've been able to focus on them because HRT has made me have less turmoil. I guess my brain decided now was the time to start unraveling these experiences.

I relate though, and I genuinely dislike when plans are thrown off schedule or when things don't go the way I expect them to. It has made me rigid and become irritable when things change. For example, i was at a party that I was told would end at 10, except no one left, and I felt forced to stay an extra 2 hrs and I become overstimmed and silent. Other times it has happened when I already have a low social battery, and someone wants to be spontaneous and go do more social stuff.

I will say I have been focusing more on letting myself stim as well. I rock and fidget a lot more than I used to, and I rock forward quickly and sometimes shake my hands when I'm laughing (it's a lot easier to hide it when I'm laughing). Other times, I rock forward and shake my hands as I'm about to eat because i'm so excited. (I love food!!!!). It's also been in the way I process stuff, like taking things literally, delays in hearing, not being able to multi-task, being angry at being interrupted/distracted, being detail orientated, and I seek and avoid certain sensory stuff that aligns with other common autistic experiences (avoid bright lights/heavy noise, but seek pressure and low stimulation).

but I thank you for your input, it definitely makes me feel a lot better about having these experiences and also not being sure about taking on a label or not...i know self-dx is just as valid as an official diagnosis, but I can't deny these experiences and I also can't deny that autistic ways to cope with the world and with stimulation is working with me. It helps to learn about other people's experiences and compare it with mine, but also to know there are a lot of people in the same boat who are unsure or questioning :,)

Okay, tumblr is my ‘safe space’ other than my room, so I’m going to talk and anyone who wants to can listen. Aka all the stuff I’m gonna say will take up a lot of room so take a look under the ‘keep reading’ if you care enough to lol

There are a couple of JIC trigger warnings: mentions of church/religious settings (not talked about in a negative way), doctors, uhh there’s a time where I talk about someone yelling at me?

without further ado, here's my vent for the day.

I stress out so much over liking anything posted by autistic people. I’m so sorry, I have literally nothing against you, I just freak out for no reason cause once I heard someone on YouTube say ‘if you aren’t autistic your opinion is completely invalid here’ and I’ve taken it to heart 🥲

I will go to like a post but then go ‘wait… that explicitly says it’s about autistic people/autism… I can’t! I don’t count!’ (And I am so salty about stuff like that cause I’ve thought to myself ‘well what if I’m agreeing about something that they approve of?’ But it still isn’t enough to justify it to myself.) (again, I HAVE NOTHING AGAINST Y'ALL)

I was considering asking my doctor if I should get evaluated for stuff but I also really don’t want to because what if they just say ‘nope, you’re normal. Why’d you even bother?’ And I KNOW I’m not neurotypical because I have GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) and there is no WAY it’s normal to feel like your entire day has been completely and utterly ruined by someone not telling you clearly that if you didn’t go eat the leftovers of your family that you wanted, it’d be passed on to the others.

Oops, that’s not where that was meant to go, but I’m keeping it.

My original point BEING, I have a feeling I don’t JUST have GAD, I wanna get evaluated for Autism and ADHD, but the imposter syndrome (can I even use that here? I’m not autistic so does that mean it’s… rejection or something?) is too much and I’m gonna wimp out of bringing it up to the doctors. I’m fairly certain I have ADHD tho, cause everything I’ve watched I’ve basically agreed with. (And yeah, the internet isn’t good source material, but there are some good people on there.)

Also I'm so worried that I'm just copying people. Like, I didn't used to stim until AFTER I learned about autism and ADHD, so what's to say that I'm not just copy pasting? And that's not genuine and it's probably also rude.

Oh and on the topic of being too sensitive for my own good, let’s talk about how I deal with people scolding me. (Other than my parents.)

I genuine want to cry any time it happens. I had some pretty bad experiences of that kind of thing (maybe like 3-4 years ago?) and they happen to be some of the only clear memories I have of pandemic times cause everything kinda blurs together from that time. The clearest one and the one that affected (is that the right one?) me the most was when some of the neighborhood kids got in trouble for hurting each other from a tree in my sibling’s best friend’s yard. I was a witness, but I wasn’t paying a ton of attention to the situation. The sibling’s best friend’s mom asked me to tell my version of the story, so I did. I tried my best not to twist anything and to make it clear that I wasn’t sure about anything. Without me noticing (cause my back was turned) one of the kids mom’s (the one who had done the potential hurting) came up behind us and started yelling at me for ‘lying for no reason’ and ‘being rude’ and how ‘her kid would never do anything wrong, so if I wanted to go tell lies for fun she would go and tell my parents.’ Y’know, the kind of thing you tell semi-kids.

So from then on, I tend to have to choke back tears when not my parents scold me.

Another time (this week actually) was when I was scolded for acting my age at church. Now, I’m not a CHILD, so I see where the person was coming from. But I was also having fun with my friends. We were joking around, and one of the old people came up and scolded us. I thought I was fine till I got home and then realized that stimming in any way, even in my room, now felt childish and horrible and like I shouldn’t be doing it. (I’ve gotten over this, I’m back to normal. Ish.)

So yeah. I guess I take things too seriously? And it REALLY frustrates me. Like I can’t just let things go, can I? No, cause that’d be EASY.

Also, don’t you just hate it when you feel the urge to stim (hand flapping specifically in this case) but your muscles/wrist is in pain for no explicable reason?

Politically incorrect opinions about fictional characters

I know we’re not supposed to say this but everybody is thinking it:

-Batman should not be straight. Neither should Captain Marvel.

-Mystique should not be cis. Neither should Atom Eve.

-Iron Fist and Indiana Jones should not be white men.

-Green Lantern should not be able-bodied. There should be more disabled Jedi.

-Neither Superman nor Spider-man should be white-coded gentiles.

-The Hulk makes more sense as a dissociated system.

-No X-men should be white AND men AND straight AND ablebodied AND neurotypical; what is this forced uniformity? It’s just unrealistic.

I say this because in some cases, these characters are deliberately coded a certain way to explore more diverse experiences, but writers still tend to stick to a certain definition of ‘normal‘ for the literal identities of characters, even when nothing else about them is normal. Even in outright fantastical stories, the idea of marginalized identities being present is seen as inherently artificial. it’s a major blind spot in fandom spaces that everything is artificial. The creator forced every aspect of the character down their audience’s throat.

I want to draw attention to the fact that these aren’t neutral choices and we can clearly see that they are not automatically the best choices as far as character and theme goes. Fiction about secret identities simply benefit from exploring similar hidden aspects of the self that exist in the real world.

A story about characters changing their bodies and reality itself just hits harder if the protagonist is trans.

Isn’t the ability to move and create objects with your willpower more interesting from the perspective of disabled characters?

It would be one thing if fandom didn’t care about diversity. But what really hurts is the reflexive vitriol. The idea that characters that aren’t white, straight cis ablebodied privileged men are inherently less natural and less worthy as the subject of a story. That characters become lesser if they are interpreted through a new lens (i.e. gain a marginalized identity when they are rebooted, gain a legacy character, are adapted to a different medium, come out of the closet etc). They don’t. They frequently become better. And you will get used to it, or so help me.

All the stranger things characters are queer.

I don’t care that it’s not canon they’re all queer.

And most of them are neurodivergent in some capacity

Here are my personal headcanons (as a queer, Nonbinary, neurodivergent indivdual) :

Robin Buckley - Lesbian, Gender Diverse in some capacity (Probably a Demi-girl or something similar and uses She/They), Autistic and possibly also ADHD

Steve Harrington - Bisexual/Pansexual, Cis Dude(He/Him) Probably has ADHD (would explain a few things you have to admit)

Eddie Munson - Gay, Trans Masculine (He/They) (And this definitely is linked to why he doesn’t live with his parents, there’s just something about him that makes me so sure he’s trans) Autistic and ADHD

Max Mayfield - Bisexual (I mean did you see the way she looked at El?), Genderfluid and uses all pronouns (I don’t know there’s just a vibe you know), maybe ADHD but I’m not totally sure

Lucas Sinclair - Thought he was very much straight till Max came out, now identifies as Pansexual, Cis guy (He/Him), one of the very few neurotypical characters on the show

Eleven (Jane) Hopper - Pansexual (She also looked at Max like that, and she’s clearly in love with Mike), Probably Asexual, until recently I thought she was cis but I’ve seen a lot of people hcing them as non-binary. They grew up in a lab that from the snippets we’ve seen was very gender neutral and I don’t think El would have had a firm grasp of gender. She did really like the concept of femininity though so I’m going to say She/They, probably something along the lines of a Demi girl, similar to Robin. I think she’s Autistic but I don’t know for sure whether it’s that, the lab altering her social development or both, probably both though.

Nancy Wheeler - Sapphic in some capacity, Cis girl (She/Her) and neurotypical

Jonathan Byers - Pansexual (S4 Jonathan just doesn’t give a fuck, earlier Jonathan probably ID’d as straight), Trans man (He/Him, maybe He/They) (I mean have you seen the boy, I mean the slouch, the outfits!), Autistic, definitely Autistic

Mike Wheeler - Achillean in some capacity (Byler forever), Cis guy (he/him), I think neurotypical but honestly I have no idea when it comes to Mike

Will Byers - Gay, Very, Very Gay, Cis man (He/Him), Autistic (which by the way is genetic so makes perfect sense for both him and Jonathan to be Autistic)

Dustin Henderson -AroAce (I know he’s with Suzie right now but he’s still figuring it out), maybe trans masc I haven’t entirely decided regardless he/him, also definitely Autistic.

So yeah. I’m open to discussing these respectfully. As you can see some of these I’m still on the fence about and I’d love to hear peoples opinions. And I’m aware it’s the 80’s and therefore this ‘isn’t accurate to the show’ they’re headcanons if that’s your thought process you can kindly fuck off.

Okay so this form of ableism reallyyyy gets my goat. People with ADHD get this treatment a lot. It really unsettles me how often as well. Like, why do people so often expect someone with a mental health disorder which specifically surrounds focus irregularities, to focus at the exact same level as someone who’s not got ADHD?

Getting angry at people with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder for not being able to write/read giant blocks of text on demand is ableism.

We can do it when we can do it, forcing us is much more much distressing than a neurotypical person/someone who doesn’t have focus irregularity would feel, and even those people get distressed at having to do things like this.

I don’t care if you’re annoyed, I really don’t, and even less if you begin ambushing and bxtching about it, then guilt tripping or indirect posting acting like it’s being done to you because “this horrible person doesn’t care”. This is abuse and emotional manipulation to mentally disabled people.

There’s a big reason why many of us suffer in education and that’s because of teachers not being trained to accommodate our needs.

I know you’re not a teacher, and it is not your responsibility to “teach” us anything, but it is your responsibility to not lash out and punish us if we can’t give you big blocks of text, writing, chapters fast enough, big reviews, essays, and completed books/creations on demand. It is also useful if you accommodate us as well, and promotes mental health awareness and accessibility.

Our symptoms literally include the inability to control our focus, meaning it can express by the inability to focus and get distracted (especially under pressure, even with things we really want to do) with big and small tasks which need focus. Unfortunately you’ll have to make peace with the fact it may never happen, or don’t ask someone with this mental health disorder to do this stuff and preform ableist exclusion since you despise our symptoms so irately.

It’s either this, we will hyperfocus and overwork ourselves, completing tasks in an hour or at the very last minute, or doing hundreds of hours of things in massive blocks but still out of our control when this happens. Not to mention adding perhaps excessive information that may not be necessary and be occasionally hard to follow.

Many times we cannot stick with one project, and not one topic for a very long time.

If you have a massive problem with that, and begin to ostracise people for doing this as well, it’s ableism.

Stop targeting people with ADHD with your stigmatic opinions, and stop asking us to do things knowing we have it if you expect guaranteed results.

It’s okay to be privately frustrated, or a little upset it didn’t get done, but you can’t do much about that except learn, educate yourself, and attempt to understand and be compassionate afterwards and take time to realise it’s often not done to spite you or because we hate you. Not forceful and not punishing.

A person with a broken leg isn’t turning down going jogging with you “just to spite you”, or “because they hate jogging/hate how you jog”. It’s because they cannot even walk, obviously involuntarily and they’re not “choosing to not walk” or “just being lazy”. Don’t apply the same theories to people with mental health disorders.

This also stands with anybody, even for people that are neurotypical. If this person does not work for you and isn’t being paid to bring work to your table or finished projects, essays, writings, and more, then you have no right to become vicious/critical when they can’t or don’t want to commit 100% to the request they are asked to do/offer to do for free, or can’t finish it for whatever reason they communicate.

Also this applies between people with ADHD doing it to each other. You can be ableist/have internalised ableism if you’re disabled/have a mental health disorder as well. If anything though, if you do have ADHD, it’s a little questionable if you don’t consider any of this. Though no two persons experience is necessarily the same plus you may have a different type of ADHD/not have combined ADHD, plus, many people are misdiagnosed which would also be another reason you might not get these things.

ADHD is a kettle of fish which is both amazing and difficult to live with, in a world that rarely accommodates us, or especially won’t for free like neurotypical people would receive.

Making it harder and refusing to accommodate us isn’t okay, and condemning us for not being on par with your demands which are often unrealistic, isn’t acceptable. Don’t be surprised if we start to avoid you after this behaviour. It’s offensive and tiring to receive.

We probably have 70 other things we are trying to be doing rn, not to mention juggling a hectic life full of responsibilities whilst trying to commit to fun things, or over committing to too much at once.

It isn’t usually because we don’t want to either, this inability to do things on demand so easily is applicable to things we really want to do as well. Hell, if I can’t open and play a game I’m in love with, idk what to say! But it certainly isn’t on purpose haha.

Gonna be blunt for a moment here and say that, I know it's been said before a few times but im gonna say it again: even in majority-neurodivergent spaces, some of you out here can be fucking ghoulish toward autistic people who don't fit a very specific Soft Autistic Aesthetic.

Reblogging a million blorbo posts is fine, writing long and complicated meta is admirable, but don't you dare "squee", that died in the 2000s and it's ~so cringe~, and ew, what, your special interest is in military aircraft through history? What are you, some kind of bootlicker? I don’t care that you engage in it in a way that does not and cannot provide any significant cultural or material support to the military, just give it up and fixate on media like the rest of us! But don't make it your whole personality or anything, don't display too much fan merch for anything too mainstream, that's cringe.

Flapping is cute, weighted blankets are a hot gift for anyone, but verbal tics and stims are "annoying upsetting" and "disrespectful" and rocking to self-soothe is "embarrassing", You're Making The Rest Of Us Look Bad.

You can meme all day about being awkward in certain very specific "cute" ways, but if you have trouble starting a conversation and just end up standing on the outskirts and staring, you're "creepy", and if you aren't good at judging when it's your turn to talk and end up interrupting people, well, your neurotype is no excuse for being so rude, if the rest of us can do it then so can you, we'll talk until the cows come home about how everyone has different experiences of neurodivergence but this doesn't count!

Everyone has an internal definition of Good and Bad white noise, of course, but if you have to test out your appliances before you buy them to see which one they'll make, you're a Karen.

Fidget spinners were considered a godsend, a beautiful example of the curb cut effect, until people decided they were "cringe", and then it became "it's only okay if you show us your Neurodivergent Card," and when that didn't stop neurotypicals from demonizing them, everyone who got any benefit from one was Making The Rest Of Us Look Bad.

Stim videos are something Every True Neurodivergent loves, but if you're drawn to messy play as an adult, ugh, stop making excuses to broadcast your OBVIOUS fetish, creep.

Speaking of which, let's look at the way people's brains break when someone's nonsexual sensory quirks and kinks actually do overlap; sure, you can have a kink born of your neurodivergence I guess, but you MUST acknowledge it as A Kink and ONLY A Kink and NEVER indulge it outside of the bedroom. What's the difference between you taking the related sensory play outside of the bedroom and a neurotypical with a footwear kink wearing their favorite boots to the grocery store, why can I recognize that it might not be sexual at all to that person in that context but can't extend the same concept to you? Um, uh, it's, uh - it's just different, just trust me!

Some of you never fully purged the ableist myth that autism is just an excuse rich white boys make to be rude and picky from your internal framework, and it shows - especially when it comes to even mildly expensive or "frivolous" needs. Every Good Valid Neurodivergent has a strong opinion on velvet and soft touch plastic and the smell of yogurt, but if you find dollar store sheets and T-shirts too stiff and scratchy and need softer ones - ugh, that's not a neurodivergent thing, you're just being a whiny little bitch about your expensive taste! Learn to adapt like the rest of us plebs! It's valid to have a strong preference for a single safe food of one specific brand - until it's the most expensive brand in the store, then it's "dammit, stop being a baby and accept the store brand ones, I make do with them just fine, you're just spoiled!" Catholic guilt masquerading as anti-corporatism: now in blatantly ableist flavor!

And, if your communication style clashes with someone else's, it can't possibly be because neurodiversity is, well, diverse; one of you MUST be lying and just pulling some neurotypical bullshit.

To be clear, I'm not saying that the limited acceptance that's there is BAD and we should start REJECTING those more accepted things to level the playing field. That's the opposite of what I'm saying, in fact! I'm really glad weighted blankets are more accessible than they used to be - curb cut effect, babey! - and that media-related special interests are getting at least somewhat better understood...even if I'm not fond of how media companies are abusing the phenomenon, but that's another complaint for another day.

But holy fucking shit we have a long way to go, even in majority neurodivergent spaces.

You're not taking a brave stand against Karens co-opting the language of disability advocacy to demand the world bow to them and force other marginalized people out of public life when you hold people to this standard. You're not stopping rich white men from destroying the world and using their diagnosis as a shield. You're just using them - and the stereotype that claims MOST autistic people are Like That (but not you, of course, You're One Of The Good Ones) - as an excuse to treat random-ass strangers as an outlet for your internalized ableism.

Knock it off.

Ok unpopular opinion, and I know lots of people won’t like me saying this because because “we’re only having a laugh.” Whatever. I know I’m either in the minority or standing alone on this.

Anyway there’s this video going around on tumblr of a blind girl rocking really hard on s rocking horse, with some woman laughing over the mother’s explanation of how to recognise when your child is blind. With comments making jokes about her rocking. Most people find the video hilarious because of the way she’s rocking. Did people not think that she could well be stimming? That this is her way of regulating her body, due to over stimulation or under stimulation? Would people make the same stupid jokes if it were an autistic child stimming in this way? I doubt it, apart from the neurotypical people, because anything that doesn’t look normal is funny to them. So why pray tell is it ok to laugh and make jokes about a blind child stimming? Because let me tell you, blind people stim too.

I know there are comments saying things like, no ones taking the mick or mocking the girl, they’re on her side and having a laugh etc. erm that’s what bullies who mock people say too you idiots. Hows it funny laughing at something that can be used to humiliate someone? That mother is no better. She should have had her daughter doing something else while trying to bring awareness and acceptance. That wasn’t a good choice of videoing. It’s as bad as those parents who record their autistic children having a meltdown to ‘bring about awareness’ it doesn’t help.

I’m sorry but that feels so wrong to me. The video was supposed to be informative and it got taken into something else. Just one big joke. This is exactly why blind people are told stimming needs to be beaten out of them (not literally or physically, just strictly scolded out of them). Because they are taught it looks odd, it looks wrong or funny/silly snd they’ll be laughed at. And there’s the pudding of the truth. It shouldn’t be that way. Blind people should be able to stim to regulate themselves or use as a way to calm themselves or deal with pain. (Yes in some cases stimming helps deal with pain in the eyes). Unfortunately that apparently isn’t the case.

Society are starting to recognise stimming on neurodivergent people. But not for blind and visually impaired people. Such a sad world we live in. That something people will make excuses to laugh about, while for others the same won’t apply.

I don’t care what anyone says, make your damn excuses. It’s wrong and ableist!!!!

US Folks, it’s starting to be tax time again

And as your friendly (retired other than special cases) tax preparer, I’m gonna trash-talk pretty much ALL the big-boxes.

TurboTax: that whole “bring your paperwork, DON’T do your taxes” doesn’t mention that’s NOT a free service. (Also, when I was actively working, I’d generally get about 5 people towards the end of the season who were so jammed up by the self-file version that they were willing to pay my prep fees to get filed on time. I’ve never tried to do the “self-file with a LITTLE help from a pro” version so I can’t speak for whether that’s for-real free.)

H&R Block: they seem to be less awful LATELY, but I’m never forgetting that they literally got to rewrite the Earned Income Tax Credit code to a point that I couldn’t understand after 3 years pro and 2 years as a VITA volunteer. (The “you pass this test you don’t have to do training” that had a whole bunch of questions that had essentially no relevance to the neighborhood I’d have been working in that I flunked with about 3 years pro didn’t make me any more likely to refer folks to them as a company either.)

Got no clue on Liberty Tax as a company, but I can for-sure tell you that the franchise I “worked” for one season was shady and stuck me in a non-compete when they already knew “you know your tax stuff but you’re going to be neurodivergent every day ALLLL day” so I couldn’t even switch back to my prior crew who didn’t really care about the disability stuff and did schedule me.. (If you’re South Texan and want to know which one, ask me.)

I put all my professional time in at Jackson Hewitt, and while some of the folks I worked with were extremely good at their job, I definitely worked with some folks whose mistakes came back to haunt me because I was the one in the office when they needed to get their paperwork straightened out. (Also, last I heard they were settling a “we’re in cahoots with a semi-competitor to keep wages depressed” suit, which I would totally believe because I had one year when management straight-up told me I was wage-frozen at $11/hour. That’s about $4/hour under the living wage, and by April pretty much everybody in the biz qualifies for at least one mental health diagnosis even if they were relatively neurotypical in January, so it’s also a high-stress job even by retail standards imo.)

In my professional opinion, if you’re comfortable doing your own, Tax Act, Tax Slayer, and OLT (through irs.gov Free File) are all relatively straightforward and will allow you to enter a fairly large range of common tax documents (a couple will even let you file your state return for free if you need to.

(If you qualify for VITA or senior citizen-type tax assistance, that’s also a reasonable option, although it’s almost always a pain getting a slot.)

The problem with color coded pumpkins

In case you haven’t seen, it’s a thing that children who go trick or treating might have a colored pumpkin. The point of this is that the color of the pumpkin is supposed to symbolize something about them.

I’m specifically talking about blue pumpkins for autism in this post.

Some online articles will say that blue or teal pumpkins are used to “bring awareness,” or “raise awareness for how Halloween affects ‘children with autism spectrum disorders’” (their words, not mine) or (this was literally one I just read) “a nonverbal way to communicate the child has ‘special needs’.”

The truth of the matter is that it doesn’t bring awareness to anything except the autistic child and the fact that they’re autistic.

Wtf do people think is going to happen??? WHY?? I would be fkn HUMILIATED if my parents made me walk around basically with a huge badge that told the world what I don’t want them to know about me (the fact I’m autistic) Fkn. Humiliated.

People generally DO NOT understand autism enough to give a dam anyways?!?! They will see that pumpkin and MAYBE know what it means. That absolutely does not stop them from being d!cks to the person trick or treating if they display autistic traits & the other person happens to not understand a dam thing about autism.

It puts a target on them. If enough people know what the color of their pumpkin means, it opens them up to a world of hate and discontent. Does nobody understand that?

V!0lence, bullying, exclusion, infantilization (yes, in a way you can infantilize autistic children, sorry not sorry)… how about the “autism isn’t real” people?? The ones who will straight up tell a child to their face that they aren’t autistic because they happen to not “believe in it”?? Or even more sinister, the ones who will try to take advantage, knowing through symbolism that the child may be more prone to gullibility?

Would you make your gay kid walk around with a rainbow pumpkin to tell everyone they’re gay? Your kid with POTS walk around with a turquoise pumpkin? Kid with IBS with a periwinkle pumpkin?

“It brings awareness!” TO WHAT?? If people are not going to research autism on their own, they’re not gonna research it just because they see a fkn blue pumpkin. Where’s the correlation?? Fkn awareness. To your child, yes. To autism, no. Absolutely not. Not in this hateful, disgusting society. Stop underestimating how “stuck in their own ways” and how uneducated non-autistic people are when it comes to their insignificant opinions about autism. They. Don’t. Care.

FOR EXAMPLE

A few kids came to my house today with blue pumpkins. The first was very early in the evening — a little girl who 1) didn’t say trick or treat and 2) didn’t hold out her blue pumpkin for me to put the candy in. She held her pumpkin closely and tightly with two hands in front of her. She just stared at me while her 5 siblings crowded around her. She was clearly visibly overwhelmed. And her parents were nowhere to be seen. Her oldest sibling must have been about 10-12yrs old.

Because I’m autistic & deeply understand what these situations feel like… how did I respond to her?

The first thing I saw was the god forsaken pumpkin. I said trick or treat to her and didn’t get all b!tchy and whiny when she didn’t say it back. I just kept on & asked her if she liked *this candy this candy or this candy*, held them out and let her point/nod at which she liked. I gave her candy first so she could walk to the end of my driveway first, away from her siblings who were clearly overwhelming her by crowding around her so tightly. When she didn’t hold her bucket out for ME, I came to HER. When she loudly shouted some phrase that her sibling immediately felt like telling me means “thank you” to her while she ran to the end of the driveway, I didn’t make it a point to turn it into a fkn issue that she didn’t say the words “thank you.” She said it in her own way.

How would a neurotypical who either knows nothing about autism or has outdated, biased opinions about autism possibly have responded to that girl?

Likely, they would’ve told her she can’t have candy until she says trick or treat or they would’ve somehow made it a point to bring awareness to the fact she didn’t say it. They might have ignored her completely. Or pointed out the fact she appeared as if she was in a “bad mood” in front of everybody. They would’ve responded to her with sourness and discontent. They likely would’ve given her candy last since they probably wouldn’t have liked her perceived “attitude.” Some a$$holes might have even tried to physically pull her pumpkin away from how closely she had it hugged to her body just to drop a piece of candy in it. And they most definitely would’ve made it a big deal that she didn’t say thank you as “thank you.” They most likely would’ve treated her with indifference or some degree of caution, and she likely would’ve noticed.

Imagine this happening to you several times in one night when you’re already overwhelmed. It doesn’t matter that she had a blue pumpkin. People do not understand autism. They do not care. They do not know how to accommodate or treat us with dignity & equity because they know NOTHING about us!! The us that is represented by US… NOT some fkn organization who claims they understand us yet won’t even allow our voices to be louder than theirs for a single fkn second.

Secondly, I live in a small town. There is one elementary school. One middle/high school. Kids she knows now will know her until if or when she or they move out of this town. There’s a very strong chance that kids she goes to school with saw her with her blue pumpkin. There’s a strong chance at least one of their parents recognized and drew ATTENTION to it with their own child/family. Not awareness. Attention. If one child in a small town knows something, so do the rest of them. If they didn’t already know, they do now. And kids can be mean. Especially to autistic kids.

Blue pumpkins don’t bring awareness to a dam thing. They draw attention to autistic children, and that attention often isn’t good attention. Even if it’s well intentioned… people still do not understand enough about us to know how to treat us right now. Even if they know about autism from awareness advertising, they do not understand. Knowing and understanding are completely different. And you never know who will understand and who will not.

disclaimer that i’m auadhd but recently i’ve become unable to stand posts from a ND perspective to the effect of “i hate being expected to greet people/make small talk. it’s boring and fake and i shouldn’t have to pretend to care about some stranger i barely know.”

1. you are confusing your ideological viewpoint on small talk with your disability. many people with autism and/or adhd do have issues with social greetings and small talk that are in fact caused by their disability; however, those issues look more like “it’s difficult for me to know when to greet someone in a crowded room, because sensory overload prevents me from noticing when people arrive or leave,” or, “i often make small talk with strangers ‘awkward’ because my lack of impulse control fails to prevent me from spontaneously bringing up subjects that are unpleasant for others.”

if your dislike of small talk is rooted in your opinion that it is stupid and people who engage in it are fools, it sounds like your issues with small talk are not caused by your autism or your adhd. neurodivergence and neurotypicality are not worldviews. opinions are not traits of neurodivergence nor symptoms of mental illness. a judgment is not a disability.

2. i am very sorry for you that you have become so cynical or jaded or are in so much pain that you have to “pretend” to be curious about other people. this is a cultural problem that tends to be worse in the west and especially in the usa, and given geopolitics it’s certainly become more difficult to feel neutral or positive toward other human beings by default, but it’s something you have to learn how to do one day or you will die miserable and alone. many of us (myself included) go through our days constantly overstimulated, or extremely stressed, or in chronic pain, and you shouldn’t have to feel like you owe social availability to someone who is disrespecting you or making you feel unsafe. you don’t need to do Customer Service Voice. but thinking “fuck you, bitch, stop talking to me, no one wants to hear about your shitty kids” in response to your coworker trying to share a funny story during break is not normal or healthy, nor is it an intrinsic part of how your brain works or who you are.

3. if you repeatedly refuse to greet or speak to people who you see every day, they will eventually reach the conclusion that they have done something to upset you, and that you do not like them. this will hurt them.

“so? how is that my problem? it’s not that i actually hate them or want to hurt them, they just jumped to the conclusion that i do because they misinterpreted my social cues. why should i have to go out of my way to accommodate them?”

this is something an ableist would say about you.

I’m the level of autistic where I can’t actually understand people’s embarrassment. Like. I conceptually understand the embarrassment of being perceived. “I can’t go to the gym because people will look at me not knowing how to do this thing.” what I can’t understand is “I can’t have even my friends or family see me working out.” or “People will think I’m fat if they see me at the gym and that is too embarrassing.” (That second one I understand is irrational because presumably people know I’m fat if I go anywhere at all, I’m not especially fat at the gym, so I assume they understand that too.)

My brain just can’t comprehend caring what someone who has signed up to spend time with me and calls me their friend thinks. They don’t get a choice anymore. They signed up for this. It’s not a thing I can quantify for people who think they’re something other than a bit of static in a condom full of jelly in a moving corpse. “I can’t say UwU. It’s too embarrassing.” Bucko, I can’t imagine anything more embarrassing than admitting you care more about that than just saying the dumbest phrase the internet has come up with since glomping because your embarrassment has you by the cajones. 

I can understand not wanting to fall down in public. I can’t understand caring enough about the opinions of strangers to deny myself something. My brain doesn’t have the capacity for it. “Surely you have-” No. I feel shame the way a lizard does. Anything that makes me feel like prey is a bad thing that I can’t have happen. What a bunch of naked primates with no killer instinct think or care about means nothing to me. I do not like doing things that make me stick in peoples memories not because I think I’m some mammal that is a main character and innately memorable, but that I need to control my effect on the world. “Oh you definitely remember me from last time” Is the most embarrassing thought a person could have. Parasocial Andy is an insult.

I’ve spent a long time following a long list of rules on how to appear neurotypical. I have rote answers I say to strangers because fuck you. You’re a fucking NPC. Go away. I don’t make waves and I don’t complain because absolutely no one is being paid enough for that unless I need that money badly. I speak like there’s fucking exposition because I can’t think of anything more pretentious than assuming someone knows something. If you ask if they know it, 8/10 times they’ll just nod to shut you up. If I’ve been personally invited somewhere or have agreed to go there with someone, I stay until they’re sick of it. If it were up to me, I’d just fucking leave. No bye. No see ya. I’d just get in my car and go home.

“Not all asexuals, autistists, agenders, are robots” No, some of us are lizards who really, really hate having to follow mammalian customs because someone’s feelings might get touched so we just follow the rules until you leave us alone.  

2023/02/12 English

BGM: RCサクセション - トランジスタ・ラジオ

This morning I worked early. This morning I couldn't sleep well. I woke up too early so tried to sleep again with Ryuichi Sakamoto or Fennesz's music, but it didn't make me sleep so I listened to a podcast program by Peter Barakan and Kumiko Torikai on Spotify. They talked about English education in Japan, and it let me think about my idleness in learning English. We should do learning with a certain motivation, not thinking lazily like "English is cool!". That pointing out reminds me of Yoshio Kataoka's opinion I read yesterday. Me, I have a certain motivation and curiosity I think and think that I should dive into the vast sea of the English language by myself, and try to learn how to swim. They also talked about the phenomenon that Japan is full of "Katakana" or Japanese English (For example, we pronounce "award" as "AWARDO"). I have to admit that my English is also very Japanese.  

Today, at our workplace I talked about my learning English with a senior co-worker as small talk. She got impressed by the skill of my English and also my attitude, and asked me that "what does make difference between you and me?". It's really difficult to answer (so I couldn't answer at that moment). I can remember that once I had been confused by that kind of "difference" between me and neurotypical people (or I might have to say that are "ordinary people"). Yes, it almost became a question about an identity crisis of mine.  "Why am I different from other people?" and "Why do the Japanese hate any differences in our society?"... I thought about them deeply. They were like the cross I had to shoulder, so I almost went mad and became neurotic.

Indeed, I am different from others... now I am even proud of that "unique" myself, but at that time I tried a lot of efforts to follow the trend and not to be alone.  I tried to read a Japanese music magazine "Rockin' On" and listen to Britpop. I also tried to read "J Bungaku(this means literature)" like Shu Fujisawa, Kazusige Abe, and Hiroki Azuma. But I am really selfish about my taste, or I have to admit that I am really weak, so those kinds of efforts didn't change me. I am basically a maverick or stray cat, so at last, I became an old dude who enjoys Wes Montgomery's music and reads Wittgenstein. And I am satisfied with that situation in my 40s like a famous Japanese cartoon character, Bakabon's father who always says "It's Okay!". Sometimes I enjoy Hideaki Tokunaga or Barbee Boys... but It's Okay!

At lunch break, I wrote an essay on the handout of the English conversation class. The teacher had said that we can write anything freely so I wrote about a past memory of mine. About the event that I decided to start learning English, and even thinking I would like to do learning English as my lifework... Although I had written this in this diary so you have read it once or more, I wrote about a memory that a friend of mine had praised as "your English is crisp and easy to understand!". Until then, I had been bound by the inferiority complex about English and thought strictly like "I can never speak English", and "I envy the people who speak English fluently". But that comment changed me start thinking "My English is Okay?". Now, I say that "My English (or your English)" is really Okay. Remembering this morning's podcast, I thought I would like to record "my" podcast which is full of "My English", following the great The Smiths. I don't care if "The World Won't Listen".