it’s kinda funny to me how that dumb scene in kiwami 1 of majima getting shot and left for dead in the harbor was basically just added as a half-assed way to explain majima not being around for a bit of the plot, but they accidentally(?) just made it seem like start of a chain reaction where majima ended up feeling slighted and heartbroken after being abandoned like that and then lashed out about it via smashing a big truck into the building kiryu was in. and yeah that isn’t inherently a romantic thing as-is but then they go and add the part where majima grabs a hostess and performatively hits on her as in-kiryu’s-face as possible, she says she’s already in love with someone, and majima lets her go immediately, no questions asked, making a big fucking point of it just to say see THAT kiryu? I appreciate when people are HONEST about their FEELINGS. people who won’t just BACKSTAB someone who CARES about them to save themselves. is that so crazy kiryu?? huh??? anyway make it up to me get down here and fight me right fucking now

That one line from Raphael's Second Diary will never cease to get me 🥺 LIKE MIGHT I ADD- these are his private thoughts, separate from his manipulation attempts and so he, with his full chest, admits so much in his second diary, like when he says "never have I been so attracted to mortals as I am to those infested by the tadpole." AHH, (my delusions are so real, trust)

BUT WHEN HE SAYS "They gestured to the melting hooks, suddenly glanced my way, and in their face I saw they had the best of me." look, I get the subtext behind all these quotes, but a girl can just ignore all that media literacy and take it for face value, OK? 💅 but also reading into it, he does admire Tav to a certain extent, and I have to wonder, why? Tav isn't an origin character and Tav's actions and character basically changes with every playthrough (Same with Durge, as they can change too) So I have to wonder if it's because Tav is controlled by the player, since, Raphael does end up breaking the fourth wall in his epilogue speech, so perhaps that's what he sees.

Another way to look at it is, either way, no matter what the playthrough, he sees something in Tav, something that makes them stand out much brighter than their companions (For some reason???)

To further that statement, what is the best of Raphael? I mean, if its an evil playthrough, that would be obvious, but if you're playing a good playthrough, what then? perhaps what he sees is someone he can finally use to get the crown, that's also very likely. Still though that's a very to the point (IMO) not as interesting of a reading since it's literally just his end goal for us, BUT STILL A VALID ONE, because, it is true, that's what he wants from us the most.

Also his third diary where he just straight up admits that he's being so honest with us so he can manipulate us, love that for him, "I am master here. A prince of bargains cloaked like scarlet satin. All that hidden under sublimely obvious truths that cannot be discounted." Which also makes me wonder, is Raphael actually an honest person? I mean, Korilla thinks he's at least decent, but honest? outside of helping us, if we look at Yurgir, he really fucked him over lol. Obviously, Raphael isn't what he seems, even if he's honest with us, to what extent? he says it himself, he's honest about "...sublimely obvious truths..." but what about when he says he's grown quite fond of us in his own way, HMMMM?

I wish this man got a proper story arc in the game, outside of the whole deal for the hammer and House of Hope, that's all plot related for the hammer, but a storyline about Raphael as a character? I mean yea, maybe that would whisk away some of his mystery, his intrigue, but I'm sorry- you cant just end it with him fucking himself (poorly) and trying to break Hope (making her a metaphorical symbol of hope anyway, I think....) AND LEAVE IT THERE?!?!? at the same time, I do like the ambiguity of his character, you could think of him as a cruel bastard after seeing what he's done in the House Of Hope to his debtors and Hope herself or perhaps just a Pathetic lil guy who's shit in bed lol, or maybe even soft, if you go off Korillas words and what he does for us in game he can come across as quite nice, especially after we've interacted with Mizora who's is the only other Cambion example we can go off of.

I also just think it's interesting that he sees anything in Tav/Durge at all. Ofc he says he sees the best of him (Always gotta relate back to himself lol) but that especially a mortal is what he could see himself, the best of himself, but then again he does see potential and ambition as admirable (?) or just something he appreciates, you can see that with Mol and Gortash to some extent anyway, But what ambitions does Tav have outside of just trying to survive? Like, the obvious answer is he wants us to give him the crown and we're the underdog in the story but then why does he refer to Tav so differently then? I fear this has turned into another rant again, lol.

Just a final thought here, but, if he did ever get a story arc, similar to the companions, would they give you multiple directions to take his character? i mean with Shadowheart for example, you could help her break from shar or have her fully convert into shars chosen, but even then, if you free her from shar theres the point of saving her family or freeing her from Shars (curse?) there's multiple ways for her story to end. Though, Raphael isnt a companion, so would he have something similar to idk a minor companion like Halsin or Minthara, who don't really have that much of a diversion (I think) in their endings, they don't really have the option, only really if the player decides to be evil or not, they kinda just follow them either way, it doesn't really impact their own stories. Obviously, I would prefer something with nuance but also, HE ISN'T A COMPANION 😭 and pressingly some of the companions need more work done than he does atm lol. Maybe that's me just projecting lol, once again, me wanting to have my cake and eat it too, anyway, that's me done... for now lol

sam, as someone who professionally stalks rich people for fun and profit and therefore have long term observational data on them as a class, how likely is it that the mess that is twitter is musk trying to get out of the loans that are pulling tesla down via bankruptcy, and relatedly, considering that he's obviously doing all the value tanking on his own either through incompetence or malice, how likely is it that it'd end up a bankruptcy fraud case?

The problem is that by the time people get to where Elon Musk is now, most nonprofits have "disqualified" them. It's not that we won't take meetings with them or take their money, but we won't go out of our way to solicit it unless we are willing to take that PR hit. So I haven't researched many people who are malignant supervillains in quite the public way Elon Musk is. War criminals, yes; incredibly unethical finance guys, tons; active public fuckups like Elon Musk? Not as much. So I'm actually less well-educated in this kind of situation than one might think.

I have researched numerous finance guys who were convicted of financial misconduct. They fight it every step up to a point, they do everything possible to seem conventional and innocent...and they take their medicine quietly when it becomes obvious they're going to have to, so that they don't create a three-ring circus and endanger future investments by making too much noise. They get banned for three or five or eight years, and then they either get a shell to do their work for them or they take a three year vacation and then come back and quietly start up again.

As opposed to Elon Musk, who’s just like “I’m not afraid of the FTC. Come at me bro” and then shrieks like a child when they do.  

It's actually really difficult to tell what Musk is doing deliberately and what is just overwhelming incompetence. Like, how the fuck do you get where Twitter is this morning without doing it deliberately? But there’s no overestimating human stupidity, its well is bottomless. 

I don't subscribe to the Four Dimensional Chess theory that this was planned from the beginning. Musk tried too hard to squirm out of the deal, and he's much, much too sensitive about the way people have seen his actions, for me to think this is part of some master plan. He's also kind of a dumbass. But I'm not sure he's the extreme dumbass he's coming across as, either. It’s hard to know. The second he was forced to buy Twitter, I suspect either he realized, or someone close to him casually said, "You know, you can buy an asset, load it with debt, and dump it, especially if society values it highly enough to want it back from you." So what he's doing now might be deliberate even if it didn’t start out that way. 

On the other hand, I have my doubts, because every time he fucks Twitter up he does seem to be demanding someone else fix it. Tanking the value of an asset deliberately generally goes smoother than this to be honest. And I don't credit him as being canny enough to seem this random in order to fool the authorities that he's not committing fraud. So I lean, slightly, towards “Oh he’s just a real dumbass who’s not used to things not going his way.” but I can’t say with confidence that this is the case. 

I am also not following this as closely and breathlessly as some, so what I know of the situation is generally osmoted from daily headline reading and whatever crosses my dash on tumblr. I'm not buried in the specifics, so this is coming from a very distant view of what's happening. If he does declare bankruptcy for Twitter, I think there will be a fraud case regardless, because it's such a huge asset and he took it down so fast -- and he himself was so mired in debt -- that there has to be. You can’t just accept it. But I don't think he'll get convicted, if push comes to shove. I think probably there is a large bailout somewhere in his future, because that's just how life seems to roll these days.

I suppose we'll see. Sorry, this is a very ambiguous answer, but I'm working on like 3/4 of the knowledge I'd have if I was asked to do this for work, and I'd do more research but I'm real tired of seeing his incredibly punchable face.

My Journey

hey! in celebration of Pride Month, I'm going to finally write about my Gender Journey™ (because the word "transition" doesn't quite describe it) throughout the past 5 years and my life as a whole. I hope that this will allow someone else to get something out of my experiences, now that I've decided to record all this down. to be honest, I hadn't done this yet as I only just now figured myself out to a level where I'm comfortable discussing all this publicly, and this is where I decided I'd put it!

Childhood

let's start out with the beginning. I was assigned male at birth and raised in a conservative area of northern Florida (yuck, I know). throughout my childhood, I always felt like being a "boy" wasn't right for me. I had to deliberately act masculine to fit in, and even then, it all felt like I was just performing for them and that I wasn't really part of the group. this wasn't the only experience I had back then that was like that, either.

privately, I had a desire to wear feminine clothing and makeup. I even did so secretly by using my mom's collection while she was away from the house. I enjoyed this and it made me happy, but I also felt guilty because "boys" being feminine didn’t go without ridicule at the time and I was doing it behind her back. I told my mom what I was doing due to the guilt. despite her having conservative values, she was surprisingly supportive at the time, even offering to help me try on other clothes of hers. however, I had too much anxiety about accepting her offer and what would happen to me if I did so I ended up dropping it.

all my curiosity at the time in gender expression also led to me looking up "boy to girl" transformation videos and other stuff like that on YouTube and other websites, but I didn’t learn about queer people in a positive way from any of that. this was all happening around 2008 or 2009, so the web wasn't super accessible back then and I was an 8- or 9-year-old newbie. school didn't help, either, since I was being home-schooled with a Christian curriculum, which of course would not mention such topics. the only real expression of any sort of femininity that I had was occasionally having older girls tie up my hair in a ponytail just to "tease" me (I totally didn't enjoy it with an ulterior motive). this was also around the time that the show "I Am Jazz" was popular, but I didn't feel that I was like her, either, nor did I think it was possible for me to be like her since I viewed my gender as immutable. as a result, I dismissed my feelings, and I wouldn't think about them for years to come.

Adolescence

fast forward 8 years to when I'm 15 or 16. after years of toxic masculinity, I started thinking about my identity again. however, this time, I’d been exposed to transgender communities online such as "r/egg_irl," and I was confused by them as I thought that anyone would press that button. you know, the one which would instantly turn them into the opposite gender (of course they would!). I asked my friends, all guys, this same question and every single one said "no." this was my first wake-up call that maybe I'm not as cisgender as I thought I was, and that maybe I should consider HRT. I also thought about working inside my assigned gender and wearing stuff like utility kilts (don't say a word) just so that I could wear clothes closer to what I could wear if I was a different gender than a "guy." needless to say, I did not go through with the kilt idea as my friends and other people thought it was strange and most of my anxiety at the time came from other people's thoughts about me, unfortunately.

in 2015/16, U.S. discourse about queer people wasn’t great as anti-SJW movements were at their peak back then and gay people were often the butt of their jokes, making coming out of the closet seem like social suicide at the time. this terrified me as I started to realize that I needed to do something about my feelings despite all the negativity, so I researched the topic further. it only solidified my desires. at the time, I was also planning to go to the U.S. Naval Academy in a year, having been in NJROTC since the start of high school. this made my anxiety that much worse as it would be rough for someone in the middle of HRT.

I decided to tell my mom how I felt a couple of months later, and she said what I feared most: that I had to choose between living my life as the true me and the Naval Academy, my dream. by then, I had already went through much of the admissions process and been accepted (a huge pain), and this threw me back into the closet for years to come as I didn't want to give up on my ambitions. funny enough, a year later in June of 2017, I started my time at the Academy with their version of first-year indoctrination, and I decided the whole military thing wasn't for me and dropped out (painful, I know).

Early-Adulthood

despite the Naval Academy situation, I was able to get into Florida State University at the last moment in July 2017 and move out of my parents' to live off-campus in a small studio apartment. the next six months were the most miserable, lonely period I’ve ever experienced. I holed up in that apartment until I got my first girlfriend (and she was straight) in December of that year. let's call her "Stinky." she and I went on a break a couple months later in early 2018 after an argument, so I went to visit my parents back in my hometown to escape from her. during the visit, the feelings that I was experiencing before I went to the Academy resurfaced. this led to me telling my mom how I felt again, but I stuck to my guns this time, insisting that this was what was right for me. I also told her that I didn't want her to tell my dad yet as I was worried about how he would react (he was my role model and a Vietnam War veteran). she agreed, and she said she would need some time to think about all this. I drove back to university.

their reaction wasn't great, to say the least. my mom called me later and said she was upset about the news. I decided to go back home the next weekend to talk with her about it in person as I was concerned. during our discussion, she went on to dismiss my feelings and make it seem like I was making a mistake, implying heavily that I will be some sort of freak at the end and that the process would be long and difficult. strangely, my dad was distant the entire time. while I was on a drive with him, I confronted him about his behavior, and he then told me to not act on my desires until "after he was dead." I guess that she had told him despite my wishes. this whole situation threw me back into the closet, again, because I naturally valued my parents and didn't want to lose them. I told them to forget about it and that it was just due to me being sexually frustrated.

however, I couldn't fend off my feelings for long after that. I was back to dating Stinky. I tried to keep the act up for my parents as well as her, but it took less than half a year this time for it to fall apart. it was May 2018, and I started to feel that I needed to do something or I would have to deal with gender misery forever. I thought, "well, if nobody is going to support me, I'll just have to do it myself without any of them knowing and deal with the consequences later." Stinky and I had planned a vacation to Miami to visit her family later in the year during August, and I figured out a way to get HRT, using the trip as an opportunity.

the plan was that at the end, I would fly back to Tallahassee while she spent some more time with her family down South. in May, I had secretly scheduled an appointment with Planned Parenthood (using informed consent) that would take place during that brief time we were apart. this was so that I wouldn't have to go to a psychologist as I was still an 18-year-old and it would cost too much. I drove 4 hours to Orlando (the nearest location to Tallahassee that offered HRT), completed the appointment, and drove 4 hours back.

my prescription for spironolactone and estradiol was filled the day that Stinky came back. I decided that I should tell her what I was doing and that I needed this. she became distraught and made me feel guilty, but I stood my ground and took my first dose that same day. 1 week later, I went to a cryogenic storage appointment before the medication started taking effect in earnest so that I would have the option in the future of having biological kids (no matter how unlikely that seemed at the time). I also started laser hair removal for my facial hair shortly after. the next couple of months were rough, with her frequently telling me how terrible I made her feel due to my changing body, but also that she still didn't want to break up with me. she was disgusted by the effects of HRT. this didn't help my state of mind as I still wanted to continue dating her, too, even though this relationship was obviously not healthy for either of us.

in October 2018, just a couple of months later, I deluded myself into thinking I could repress my feelings for her and stopped taking the medication, even watching anti-trans media to attempt to reinforce that effort. this didn't work as less than a month later on November 16th, I realized that living a lie for someone else was a terrible idea and I started taking the medication again (I haven't stopped since). we continued "dating," but it was dysfunctional, with her eventually losing attraction to me. we broke up in the second half of 2019. she was still my roommate for months afterwards (which was terribly painful and filled with drama).

during that mess of a relationship, however, I also had to plan for my parents' reaction. I wouldn't be able to hide this from them forever. expecting a similar outcome to what happened in 2018, I did everything I could to become independent just in case they disowned me or wanted to have leverage in a confrontation. whether it was financial (I took my money out of their bank account and put it into my own), or alternative transportation in the case that they took my car (I bought a motorcycle), or even health insurance (I obtained new insurance through my university), I got it done. in February of 2019, I was completely independent, even leveraging my status as a veteran from my time at the Naval Academy to obtain educational grants that would otherwise be unobtainable due to my parents' income (they weren't even paying for my education to begin with!).

this turned out to be a wise decision as during a visit to my parents in May, I would be forced to come out to them after almost 6 months of continuous HRT. my parents noticed subtle changes like a feminine bracelet I wore around them, that I was shaving my legs, and that my face looked softer, but I think that I still went largely under the radar. I explained the changes as being normal "guy" stuff (for example, shaving your legs helps with swimming, of course). one day, my parents and I went out shopping. my mom and I walked into a shopping center while my dad waited in the car. as she and I were chatting on the way in, she patted my back and felt the bralette that I was wearing to conceal the effects of HRT. she said, "what is that?" and glared at me. I cursed my negligence and told her what she didn't want to hear. she was silent as we walked into the store and said that I was "mutilating my body" as we walked out. we got back into the car and drove home with my dad. the drive felt terrifyingly slow, and I didn't know what awaited me when it was over.

this time, however, I decided that I wasn't going to let this narrative be controlled by my parents. as soon as we got home, I told them that I wanted to have a conversation with them. I explained to them that I had been taking feminizing hormones for over six months and that this was the right decision for my happiness. I endured verbal abuse from my mom and silence from my dad. she said things such as "you're confused," "nobody will love you," "you'll get beat up," "you'll be ugly," and even "you're mutilating your body" again. to this day, I still do not forgive her for what she said that night, and how could I? after she was done with her assault, I explained very plainly: "you will either have a daughter or you will have no child at all." that seemed to resonate. they said that were so resistant to all this out of "love" for me. I told them my experiences and why I was doing this. I also explained that my gender expression is separate from my sexuality, which isn't changing. they didn't know or care about any of that until then. they had to listen to me, and they had to accept me. and if they didn't accept me, they would lose me, either by me never talking to them again, or by suicide if I had to continue performing the gender they wanted.

today, they are strong advocates for queer rights after ultimately deciding to stand behind my choices. they even supported my desire to get multiple gender-affirming surgeries in late 2020. but I don't know how it would have turned out if they had had leverage over me back then, and I didn’t want to find out.

Adulthood

a couple of months after Stinky and I’s breakup, to cope with it (I felt like it was my fault even though it wasn't) and the discomfort about my changing body, I escaped into virtual reality. for the next couple years, my social life was almost entirely on the internet as I didn't have to deal with anxiety and could present myself exactly the way I chose. this immersive world helped me discover the new me and how I wanted to act. I experimented with the way I talked, the way I acted, my disposition, and many other things, until I found a persona, my persona. I even experimented with my sexuality and determined that yes, I’m still not attracted to masculine people and no, I’m not entirely opposed to polyamory.

some more time passes - 2021, two years ago - despite “finding myself” through years of socialization and personal introspection, I still put myself inside the gender binary (I blame my upbringing). I thought that I had to be either a man or a woman, and that anything else outside of that box wasn't a real option for me. for whatever reason, I also had this misconception that being non-binary wasn't being, well, non-binary, but instead still having to fit somewhere on the binary spectrum despite its name, just not necessarily at either end.

at this point, in all ways, whether by government ID or by gender presentation, I was a woman. my friends and family all knew me as a woman, I identified as a lesbian, and I thought this was the end. after 3 years, nothing could change.

but despite everything, I still never truly felt like a "woman" or even a "girl" despite my “transition” being as complete as it could be. I would subconsciously refer to myself as a "person" or in the case of my parents, their "child," or relating to my S.O., her "partner." anything else didn't feel right when others said it or even when I said it to myself. this feeling wasn't something new to me, either. previously, I had chalked it up to dysphoria making me think that I didn't yet deserve to be a "woman" and that's why I didn't feel comfortable yet. but, realistically, it had to be something else. it should make me happy to be gendered "correctly." which it did, initially, as I was struggling to pass in public during the start of my transition (I viewed it as an accomplishment). but now that I was passing as a “woman” nearly all the time, however, it made my stomach turn when a person referred to me with gendered terms. that feeling wasn't present when someone referred to me as “she” or even “they,” and I couldn't figure out why.

outside of the very start, my gender presentation has never been very feminine. I mostly wear androgynous clothing. I tried wearing makeup, and to my surprise, I determined that I liked myself without makeup more. my interests don't really consist of traditionally feminine things, and I stopped shaving my legs (my parents complained about that one). I've played with the possibility of being non-binary, but it still never really resonated with me and I felt like it just wasn't the right fit.

I've now been on this journey for almost 5 years. last Friday, while I was at the dentist, I noticed that my hygienist was confused by my gender presentation due to how she stumbled between she and he pronouns every other sentence when referring to me. I was amused because generally someone would decide what they thought I was, stick to one set of pronouns, and I would correct them if needed. the situation felt comical, almost unreal, and it made me think about how glad I was to not have to be in her shoes. she then brought me to the front desk after she was done with the cleaning and I corrected her with a simple “she” when she started to talk about me again (my initial amusement had worn off). the hygienist became flustered and I smiled. this made me think, “why do I enjoy someone else’s confusion about my gender?” I’d experienced this feeling a couple of times in the past but I’d never given it much thought.

now, thanks to way too much self-analysis (and my partner’s love and support, of course), I have found the reason for these feelings and why labels never fit me. it’s because I simply do not think of myself in gendered terms. I’m just “me.” I was also never comfortable referring to myself as transgender, now knowing that it was because it implied that I went from being one gender to being another (which never felt accurate). being a “woman” also started to feel like it was holding me back, making me realize that the explanation is that I just…

don't have a gender.

agender it is. let's say that I have transcended the concept of gender entirely. fuck having a gender. who needs one? I sure don't. I never have.

happy Pride!

I know we don't talk and there's stuff we may not agree with. But I am truly sorry you've dealt with a lot of drama over fictional crap. And I'm sorry if my posts in the past ever contributed to that. Hope you have a better day.

Hey... That's all fine, don't worry! After all, it takes a lot of time and Insight to realise that Gehrman is a very gentle and respectful man and Godrick is an absolute gigachad kdkdkshdffhhgfds /lh /lh

But yeah, on a serious note. It was quite frustrating to find out the real motivation under all that... mess was something so pathetic, but at the same time this is what happens when people make engagement with media and fandoms a moral, political act. Not necessarily a problem, after all, I was the one who concluded that the way a fan judges fictional characters and other fans will very well reveal how cruel they are to real people who do something bad, or how much they will forgive based on personal sympathies. And my mad ravings about caring about female characters! I think the problem comes when a fan is so insecure that they have nothing else besides this defence of ideals through fandomry. If your only way to assert yourself is to be a good guy punishing the bad guys, and that mad raving loredigger discovers there is NO bad guy, what is left of you?

This is why it is crucial to have passion for nurturing rather than for undermining! I think if you speak like this, you've found this truth too? This is true that I don't know you very much (mutual-in-law thing), but to be honest.. you didn't poison my fandom experience at all? I tend to never be aware about discourse until someone basically calls me for help fhdhgsdgdfs Can't scout the fandom tag regularly!

But not only it actually was a quite long ago I saw a "negative" post from you, but also I've seen through the posts that my friends liked or reblogged from you that you've actually became very eager person to defend people's passion and interests! I think the post that particularly got stuck with me was when you resented seeing someone's light die after some Redditor asshole "well aktualy"'d a thing they were excited about creating (not exact wording but maybe you remember too)? Like... you are fine, man. At that point I realised that you were a good fan and in the end valued people's creativity and passion over personal preferences. That you never wanted to be THAT guy, even if your interpretation could not be further from someone else's. Coming to terms with what actually matters in fandomry is very mature and I am happy to see this attitude!

I am still glad that you messaged me about this though; I did not expect this, but thank you! I think I will continue getting involved in fictional discourse because my autistic senses cannot ignore factually incorrect takes with a clear insidious motive, and.. eh, sooner or later, I'll piss off the wrong guy again. Don't feel bad for me when it inevitably happens :p I've accepted the shortcomings when I decided to be the debate guy. Simply laughing at some gremlin starting a discourse with the girls in DMs and not stressing over it is only funny until I realise that newer fans could get misinformed right off the bat.

What the hell is Ben thinking in NLMG? Part 2 (post outing to Ben’s confession)

Continued from part 1, here. 

Ben’s second arc is beautiful in its simplicity - he realizes how he feels (has felt!) about Chopper and (after a few attempts) works up the nerve to express that to him. 

(Quick note that his next two character arcs are ongoing at this same time in the narrative, and while I won’t talk about it here, I will reference some key moments that help build-up to the peak of that) Jumping in at episode 7: everything else about the Ben-gets-bullied scene fades in comparison to Chopper rescuing him but these two lines are key – bully kid is telling us how Ben feels about himself:

Ben takes enormous pride in being class president. He places a lot of value in how he is perceived by others. Being told he is not actually a good guy is one of the worst possible things someone could say to him. And in this case it’s partially true – he knows he did something wrong; he’s already told us this via his conversation with Chopper over lunch. This is why he immediately lashes out afterwards and gets his ass kicked in return. 

Because this is an essay about Ben, I am not going to go on incessantly about how perfect Chopper is in this scene — how he gets rid of both bullies with ruthless efficiency that necessitates the least amount of violence; how he looks beautiful fighting, especially when his shirt rucks up to reveal bare skin…

Oops how did that get in there? But more seriously, the important thing that happens in this scene is this clasping of their hands. Having seen Chopper once again stick up for him, Ben finally reaches back. The show makes a big deal of this, has it drag out intentionally for longer than necessary, to make sure you understand that they are now officially in this together as a united pair. This is the first time we’ve seen that Ben allows himself to reciprocate one of Chopper’s touches.

Then, during the rooftop scene (don’t even get me started on rooftops in BL!!) immediately following, Ben is the most honest, pure version of himself we’ve seen to date:

He admits: “I was selfish. I was a coward. I was afraid my dad would scold me”

I also like how he talks about Nueng. It’s not overly romantic, he just feels guilty and wants to apologize. From the moment in the office onwards, Chopper – not Ben – is the only one who talks about the two of them getting back together; Ben only talks about forgiveness. 

Chopper once again uses physical touch to comfort Ben, placing a hand on his shoulder and repeatedly stroking along his collarbone:

We get another one of these vulnerable, searching looks from Ben in return: 

Then, Ben gives another line that I really didn’t understand on first watch. “To tell you the truth, I confessed my feelings to him . . .

Initially I kept wondering ‘why is this necessary?’ Considering that it comes immediately following his reaction to Chopper’s hand on his shoulder though, I now think this is Ben probing. This is him (in a very confusing way) trying to push Chopper (“How do you feel? Did you encourage me to be with Nueng because you’ve moved on?”) And Chopper goes into a gutting monologue in response: “I just understand how it feels to have a crush on someone. How tormenting it feels to be unable to tell your feelings. It’s a terrible feeling.” Go back and watch Ben’s face when Chopper talks about not being able to tell his feelings. It crumples –

Something really, really important is happening here: similar to with bully kid, Chopper is verbalizing to Ben his own feelings. This is Ben, in real time, realizing how he felt in tenth grade! Ben gets so sad here both because what Chopper is describing aloud is what Ben did to himself and because he aches at the idea that he might have ever led Chopper to feel that way. He can’t possibly miss the longing coming through in Chopper’s voice. And he has to be thinking, (when Chopper confessed to me we stopped speaking for two years). 

And do you know what makes Ben finally smile after all this? When Chopper tells him “I wanted you to have a happy ending”. Because that gives him hope that Chopper still cares about him. 

Okay, again, not a Chopper essay, but please allow a moment of gushing about him – to quote (@thirstkanaphan):

It's also such a generous thing for Chopper to say - after all the heartbreak! We the viewers know that Chopper is going through the ringer with his father and Chopper fears becoming the kind of man his father is, the kind who ruthlessly abuses those weaker than himself. He fears the kind of violence he might one day be forced to enact. Chopper does not think that happy endings are for people like him. It's gutting that he's talking about Ben getting a happy ending with Nueng, of all people - the golden child, the cousin who will never have to get his hands dirty with the darker side of the family business. And yet Chopper doesn't resent Nueng either! He wishes they were closer! 

Chopper doesn't know that Ben's feelings for Nueng have changed. Chopper believes that Ben and Nueng can still get their happy ending - and what agony for Chopper, to endorse a future where his beloved cousin gets to live happily with the boy Chopper loves, seeing them both shine in the sun while he is resigned to the shadows. GOD CHOPPER!!!

Excuse me for a minute while I cry about this!!!

But, fortunately, no matter what Chopper thinks, Ben has made his peace at this point with the fact nothing is ever happening with Nueng again. He seems to genuinely just want to say he’s sorry. Instead, here, Ben is realizing, right in front of our eyes, that the person he’s always really wanted is the one putting a gentle hand on his shoulder and telling him they want him to be happy. He tries to probe and see if Chopper still has feelings for him:

Chopper gives a very stock answer: “I just wanted to see my cousin and my old friend together.” He’s very good at telling some of the truth but not all of the truth. This happens in the poolside scene as well. 

Look at Ben’s face as Chopper walks away to go back to class – he’s a really interesting mix of sad, introspective, and I think a little bit excited. I think he’s starting to hear some of what Chopper isn’t saying:

All of this sets up beautifully for Episode 8 — glorious episode 8. SO much happens here for them in very quick succession. First, they team up to catch who exposed Ben and Nuengdiao (yet another moment of Chopper being firmly on Ben’s side) 

This is a very common BL trope, but I’m convinced this is also Ben’s “oh” moment. Where he truly realizes — HIM; he’s the one I’ve wanted all along. Chopper is so close to him, his hand is warm on Ben’s mouth, and Ben is painfully aware of exactly how many inches would separate their mouths if there wasn’t that barrier between them. As Chopper touches him, Ben is helpless to do anything but stare into Chopper’s pretty eyes. It’s a lot. 

And then we get a really critical Ben line that will come up later in later parts of this meta series

Ben here means publicly. He had admitted it to himself, and he was ready to explore it with a second, trusted person, but he definitely wasn’t ready for the whole school to know. The depths of his hurt are clear – he’s upset enough about this that Chopper has to stop him from throwing a punch.

This all culminates in an amazing sequence of scenes. After all the touching, and long-held looks, and sincere encouragement from Chopper, Ben clearly decides he can’t take it any more. Because the universe is a cruel mistress, when he goes to talk to Chopper, he gets subjected to this siren of a man:

You can tell Ben is starting to ask himself (“How did I ever convince myself that he isn’t attractive?”). Especially watching Chopper get ready in his fancy clothes with his ‘hydrating serum’ – I’m pretending, shhh. 

Just LOOK at that affectionate, disbelieving smile!!

In fact, I’m obsessed with the face he makes when Chopper says he isn’t Ben’s type. That raised eyebrow!

And the way he openly gives into his attraction by the end of it and smiles adoringly:

By the end of this scene, Ben has no doubts how he feels about Chopper.  Then props to Ben, I think he finds a way to be so brave in the scene that follows. As they sit by the pool together, Chopper – who continues to try and BE SUPPORTIVE – says, “(Nuengdiao) will come back and date you again”. I don’t know how to gif but if you watch, in reaction to that line Ben takes a deep breath in, bracing himself. He then for the first time asks outright how Chopper feels:

Chopper deflects. Ben tries again.

Chopper doubles down on the deflection (“I’m FiNe now.”) . And Ben tries a THIRD time. He asks in the clearest possible way. He’s vulnerable to encourage Chopper to be vulnerable. He scoots closer, looks Chopper directly in the face. It’s so . . . *devolves to ugly sobbing*:

I think at this point Ben has grown confident. He’s realizing he can see through Chopper’s protests and knows what his answer is going to be. They’ve been spending more time together, and he’s coming to understand that Chopper is the same boy he used to know so well. Also, he must have noticed by now that since their first conversation at Ben’s locker, Chopper has never once done anything except be completely and utterly devoted to him. 

We were deprived of Chopper’s response to this question, but I’m 90% sure he became a huge sap, admitted he hasn’t once stopped liking Ben since 10th grade, and they came to some kind of agreement to start seeing each other more (as embodied by the date at Chopper’s house to be discussed next part!).

But, to foreshadow parts three, four, and five. just because Ben has finally admitted his feelings to Chopper doesn’t mean everything is suddenly roses. Ben is dealing simultaneously with a lifetime of homophobic scrutiny, the trauma of a forced outing, and his own guilt and shame at his actions, which unmistakably hurt someone else. These will all come into play as he (starts to) learn how to be with Chopper. 

Continue to part three.

The thing about me is that I am a Klavier Gavin fan but like, in a silly way.

On the one hand, he's the haha funny guitar man and his attempts to be suave and cool just come across to me as obnoxiously cringefail, thus endearing him to me. Characters that are losers are very charming to me. Also characters that are annoying are charming to me.

But on the other hand, I think he is fascinating because when you crack his psyche open like a walnut you get to really dig into a truly traumatized character. Dude has so much hidden angst right there for the picking. And he keeps all his pain a secret, which makes him doubly interesting, because repression is juicy, I guess.

And this whole thing is only compounded by his incredibly simple and complicated relationship to Apollo Justice, wherein they might be the best equipped people to understand each other, because a lot of their traumas match and they both have one particular minefield of a character in common. The two of them are intrinsically connected, even disregarding their status as court rivals.

But, but, even more than that, his contribution to the, like, evolving worldview of Ace Attorney. Like, up to this point there's been a very distinct implied mentality of Defense Attorney=Good Prosecutor=Bad, but then there's the Gavin brothers, where we see a Bad Defense Attorney and a Good Prosecutor, and it's really hammered home that the real Good is the truth and honest justice. Like, Prosecutor Klavier Gavin is a rockstar-prosecutor and a fierce opponent, but he is ultimately, more than anything, a Good Man and a person who values truth above personal gain. That and he is the only serious Prosecutor (no, I am not counting the Payne brothers in this) who is never, at any point, threatening. Intimidating? yes. But never threatening. He is friendly and helpful by nature. He is at once cunning and kind. Sharp witted but soft hearted. And all this hidden behind a rockstar persona and glimmerous fop-itude.

That and his rockstar theme was the law, of all things. That is so incredibly dorky. And he was made a Prosecutor at what 17? 18? which means he must have done law school during regular high school, if not homeschool instead. And there's the potential that he toured with his band while studying law textbooks in the band trailer. That is,,, so nerdy. This man is a nerd. I don't care that he's a rockstar, his rockband theme was Being A Lawyer, which is a fundamentally nerdy profession. I bet you he has glasses. I bet you he has glasses and just wears contacts to court. I want to see him in cute nerdy glasses, I want this. I want to see him drop his rockstar persona thing a bit and embrace how very nerdy he is.

God, and then there's the bizarre German affectation thing, that is impossible to place as entirely fake or simply exaggerated truth. For my part, I figure he is genuinely german to some degree, but german phrases became part of his persona. I dunno, there's a lot to be analyzed with the concept of The Persona vs. The Self with this character.

This guy is like five different contradictions and half-obscured truths stacked on top of each other and then covered with glitter. What can I say? He compells me.

You know, the most unexpected thing I've come to notice about myself after having spent three weeks as part of / fused with XIV is that I actually genuinely kind of love people - or the concept of people at least - a lot. And that has a lot of implications to it, considering I was previously "the guy who really can't stand being around people and hates people as a default", cause that "liking people" certainly didn't come from me, so that genuinely deep love for people and humanity has to have come from XIV's end of things - either directly or his perspective shaped mine to what it is now

And having just been XIV 2.5 yesterday and knowing XIV 2.0 pretty well, I don't think any version of XIV really registers just how much he genuinely loves the idea of people existing in the world. He / we (from here on out "he" is XIV 2.0, "we" is my experience as XIV 2.5) are really jaded and pretty apathetic on our own and honestly we don't really know how to operate in the world outside of our aggressive attack dog dialect that we were raised with. The world is still processed very much in the lens that we were taught and raised which was that we are very disconnected and separated from society because we don't fit in and we don't think the same way as others and thats a good thing, because it helps us make change and it lets us do what others can't and it lets us thrive

But I'm realizing from reflecting on my self as just Chunn that we really - in some less conscious level - love seeing people live as their honest selves. We love seeing the individual differences and unique traits that don't fit into boxes and break standards that are inherent in everyone. We love seeing where those non-standard weirdos and weirdness can - when fostered and supported - can become inspiring and astonishing individuals. Human diversity, human expression, self love and wild self expression, I love it and so we - as XIV 2.5 - love the variety that people add to the world.

And I think I'm starting to understand him / us better, because while there is a lot of aggression and anger and a lot of ruthless drive and dedication to our values, it comes from this core genuine love and appreciation for the uniqueness of everyone and how amazing people can be when given the resources, encouragement, and support. We love the potential people have.

I'm sure when I fuse back to XIV 2.5 or hell even just XIV 2.0 might look at this and go ".... yeah no thats wrong" and hell, maybe I am wrong and I'm over extrapolating my own independent Chunn thoughts and shit, but *shrugs*

I guess I just think the resilience of humans and the ability to grow in the worst places to become something amazing is just honestly a real joy in life to be able to witness.

I still don't think I would have much energy or tolerance for being around people much - that's just my introverted high-autism-symptom self having it as a limit and I am sure people very quickly could overload me to where I go back to being misanthropic a bit - but genuinely? I don't think I hate people. I think that I might even be able to say I genuinely love people existing in the world now.

Keep being weird guys. It adds a lot of spice to the world.

"Why are you questioning Henry being the big bad of the series when the show and the Duffers have outright been telling you it's been him who has been doing this all this time ?"

Because apart from it still not making any sense plus creating inconsistencies and annoyed that the supposed big bad of the show targeted towards the outcasts, (no matter how badly written I think he is or even if he was good), is an outcast that's been abused and experimented upon for many years (along with him probably fitting in certain marginalized groups) is not a pleasant answer or a satisfying one to one of the most interesting sci-fi shows from the recent times. (With also other interesting themes fitting into it as well.) Especially if it's to give me a "Joker" speech about society which doesn't really make much sense with all of what was explored in the series and with some characters...

Broken villain are nice here and there but I largely prefer that we get to what and who is the real problem instead of creating a threatening scapegoat for the good guys to overcome & go about their life telling us "this is not the way to change things", yeah no shit Sherlock...

And like The Duffers have been lying and been inconsistent now since S4 has been in the works. I am not going to fully rely on everything they say to be sure of where the show is going exactly. (Especially when they FORGET about details that could serve their own stories.)

The fact that the people who say this, that I've seen, are people who themselves are questioning something that can be considered one & done in the show baffles me. Just let people do theories & analyses and if you don't like them move on. We are on Tumblr, questioning everything that we see is literally what we do and have been doing unless it's very obvious which it isn't in this case here. You are doing to people exactly what people who take everything the show says at face value says to you all the time... 😒

And it also has been the point of Stranger Things, a show that has characters lie many time, solving mysteries, going through layers of discovery and lately dealing things related to the mind & illusions, so I don't know what's the fuss about all of this but creating a vendetta against it is so weird to be honest.

So yeah I'll keep questioning whether Henry is the big bad or not, whether M*leven is really in love or not, whether Will was at the wrong place wrong time, and if his birthday was really forgotten by the narrative, whether x;y;z character is going to come back to life or not, whether Kali is going to come back or not, whether Lonnie is more than just a deadbeat dad or not, whether there's a deeper connection between El & Will or not, whether the Russia that we see is real or not, whether everything we see in the show is even what it really appears as and I will do it all over again & again because that's what I like and want to do. You don't agree, cool, you have your own opinions but if you want to go to war over it, just f*ck off. 🙄 And my mind will probably change about certain things over time or not, just like many other people.

Crazy you have to say this but like this is in need because the community is becoming exactly what I hate on other apps or websites, a puritanical self-righteous cult that doesn't hesitate targeting anyone who thinks a little bit differently. Reminds me of something I KNOW all of a sudden... 😒

Jughead (2015), Aromanticism and Representation Part 2: Zdarsky, North, and the Word of God

When I reviewed Zdarsky and North’s arcs in the Jughead (2015) comics, I noted the differences between their portrayals of Jughead’s aromanticism. Namely, Zdarsky’s work is a lot more subtle but ultimately feels like it was written specifically with aromanticism in mind, whereas North’s work is more on-the-nose but is sometimes grating or uncomfortable when it comes to the reactions of other characters. I want to talk a bit more about that here, and then I want to talk about canonization and the value of word-of-god representation.

Firstly, Zdarsky. Chip Zdarsky is credited with canonizing Jughead’s asexuality on the page, and his aromanticism via the word of god. Ryan North stayed true to this portrayal when he picked up the series following the conclusion of Zdarsky’s run.

If you’ll recall, the vast majority of Zdarsky’s run (the first six of eight issues) do not pay much attention to Jughead’s orientation at all, although this section does contain the first (and only) textual use of the word “asexual” in the entire series. This would make most folks inclined to believe that Zdarsky did not consider it at all, but I personally am more than okay with not every story factoring in Jughead’s orientation, and the arc he did write on the topic (issues 7­-8) more than makes up for it in my opinion. This is the arc where Jughead and Archie get lost camping, and the following exchange takes place:

I have written at length about this scene in particular, so I will be brief in noting the following:

(1) Jughead’s hurt is palpable, and beautifully portrayed. Whereas other writers may have played such an exchange for laughs, Zdarsky validates Jughead’s feelings of abandonment, hurt, and isolation in this arc, while managing not to villainize Archie in the process.

(2) Archie not only knows immediately that he fucked up, but very quickly apologizes. His actions are not justified, and his reaction suggests that not only is he aware of Jughead’s orientation, but he respects it and him enough to make amends for hurting his best friend.

(3) Never is Jughead being aroace mentioned explicitly here, but to any reader paying attention, it comes off quite obviously. If you take Jughead being aroace as an implicit truth about his character, which is the way Zdarsky confirmed he was writing him, it becomes abundantly clear that this is what Archie refers to when he uses the phrase “a normal guy,” and that this is the source of their inability to understand each other and the strain it is having on their friendship.

Now, when Ryan North took over, he accepted Zdarsky’s canonization as gospel and ran with it, a fact for which I am quite thankful. His primary arc is the one with Sabrina, in which Jughead accidentally agrees to a date with his newfound friend and has to figure out how he is going to explain the misunderstanding—or, better yet, just keep trying to escape her affections until the problem magically (ha) goes away.

North is much more explicit about Jughead being aromantic, while still not using the word. Jughead uses phrases like “I don’t get crushes” and “I don’t like people that way,” and visibly panics over the realization that he accidentally agreed to a for-real date.

These scenes are really great, and the time that North took to put Jughead in a situation that directly required addressing his aromanticism is incredibly valuable. However, there are aspects of North’s portrayal that bother me. To summarize my previous thoughts on the matter:

(1) North depicts the situation with a lot of nuance, being certain to address the ways in which Jughead is screwing up while also validating his very real feelings. The ultimate resolution is heartwarming and satisfying in that Jughead is finally able to be honest with Sabrina, and Sabrina accepts and supports him wholeheartedly, allowing them to finally be friends.

(2) However, Jughead’s existing friends are woefully unhelpful every step of the way. Of course, this is in many ways realistic; many aros have people in their lives who are quick to dismiss their aromanticism the moment they feel it might no longer be true. With Archie, this borders on a continuity error—but that is the cost of switching writers so frequently. But the issue is that his friends are never prompted by the narrative to apologize. They meddle and push Jughead into going through with the date without ever listening to what he wants—something he comments on—and the only character who gets a resolution on this front is Sabrina, by necessity.

(3) North being clearly unafraid of expressing Jughead’s aromanticism is refreshing, but the lack of accountability on his friends is kind of uncomfortable, and it makes it hard to play those moments for laughs.

Which of these is better? Which has more value? The truth is I think that either arc being removed from the story would be to its detriment, and in a perfect world we’d have gotten the best of both portrayals in one. However, it is worth pointing out the differences between them for the sake of acknowledging that representation can be done in different ways, each with their own costs and benefits. Zdarsky’s portrayal cuts deep and shows a more subtle portrayal of aromanticism as it affects relationships, but that subtlety means that aromanticism is taking more of a backseat focus. Meanwhile, North’s portrayal is much more on-the-nose and is expressed much more obviously, but it leaves something to be desired in terms of how it holds other characters accountable.

Both, however, have something very crucial in common. And this is that neither Chip Zdarsky nor Ryan North ever used the word “aromantic” on the page.

Three years ago, I spoke at length about this for the Carnival of Aros, and I expressed distrust that someone like Zdarsky would have ever thought about Jughead’s romantic orientation without having been prompted first. That may be true, but nevertheless on subsequent rereads I’ve softened on that position somewhat. Perhaps we don’t know if either of them would have eventually used the word on the page had they gotten more time, or if later writers (not Waid lol) would have had the series not been discontinued. There is a universe in which we eventually got an on-the-page confirmation with a satisfying emotional journey to boot, but sadly we live in a universe where R*verdale became more popular and Archie Comics stopped producing Jughead comics several years ago, and that is the reality I went into this (already incredibly long) post intending to contend with.

Zdarsky once said via Twitter that he was writing Jughead as, for the purposes of his teen years, aromantic, and that he sees him as probably demiromantic later in life. I still don’t know how I feel about that comment, and I suppose I will let demiromantic people decide that one. In any case, the fact is that Zdarsky never used the word on the page, and North never did either. But my question is, how much does it matter?

The short answer is that of course it matters. On-the-page confirmation with the words explicitly used leaves no room for misinterpretation, increases awareness of the identity, and is super important for communities like ours in particular that have next to nothing in that regard. Using the word on the page would have been huge in 2015 and it would still be huge now. But it was 2015. And for 2015, Zdarsky gave us a pretty good start.

Yes, it matters. But representation being confirmed via the word of god does not necessarily make it bad representation. In fact, I think Jughead is stellar aroace representation, especially for teenagers. To say, in any respect, that such an icon of pop culture is aspec and to then go on to work that into your story, even if the words never make it onto the page, holds a lot of cultural power, and in fact Zdarsky made a lot of people mad with this. If given the hypothetical choice, which would you rather have? A character like Jughead, a main character in his own series that actually has his aromanticism addressed and portrayed with respect but is never written out directly, or a character who is confirmed on-screen as aromantic with the words but is a side character whose aromanticism is never important and only exists for tokenized representation brownie points? Every time someone recommends something with an aro character to me, I’m like, does it matter? Are they important, is their aromanticism important, or are they just an exasperated shipper-on-deck side character who the creators can slap a pride flag edit on? Because the truth is I’d rather have Jughead. Sure, I’d rather have it all, but I can’t. So in the absence of such perfection, I’ll take word-of-god canon with respect and impact and good intentions over tokenism.

To be clear: I am not trying to praise Zdarsky and North outright for what should be the bare minimum in staying true and faithful to decades of pre-existing characterization. In fact, I do still believe that to not use the word aromantic on the page was cowardly, and I wish they had done it, and I wish we’d gotten more Jughead comics to see what else we could have gotten as the years went on. But what we did get, for all its flaws, has value, and I’m probably never going to be done talking about it. Though I am, for now. This essay is long enough already.

Hi pebbly, I hope work, life, and all the things are going well. Big fan of castles.

Question: What is your opinion on male readership of HP fanfiction/guys reading your works?

Sincerely, a male reader aware of his odd demographic status within the fandom.

aw, thanks anon! hope all is well for you too!

to be honest, i don't really have an opinion! i mean, i'm so glad you (and maybe others) are reading this fic - thanks so much for your support! that being said, i don't think i have any particular hot takes on this! i'm just happy you're there!

i am - of course - aware that my audience (and the fanfiction community in general) is majority female. that's been established by many studies on the topic. but, assuming that the audience for my fanfiction podcast is somewhat representative (even if it doesn't entirely line up with my readership), it appears that around 10% of our audience is male. around 20% is non-female. so this isn't negligible.

[sorry this is in french, idk why/how to change it. it says: women, men, other, non binary]

i've spoken about this before but i think the fact that men aren't super present in fanfiction communities is down to two big factors:

men (sadly) aren't encouraged to read. i feel like this is particularly true for straight men (although, to an extent, gay men as well): for some reason, in the past 40 years, someone somewhere decided that reading/writing books wasn't "manly". that somehow, sitting at home watching sports on the sofa was worthy, but not sitting at home reading a book on that same sofa - which, when you think about it, is basically the exact same activity. it's especially bizarre because when you look at literary history, a lot of our "great writers" are men - to the point that many women writers, at the time, were completely ignored/disregarded. so, like many things, it seems that writing/reading was a worthy pursuit for men, until women started reading/writing as well and being successful, which somehow lessened the appeal of the activity. i think it's a real shame and i feel like it's a chance that's missed by a lot of men who might actually enjoy the activity, if only they were given more of an incentive. anecdotally, i was once talking to a (female) friend of mine, saying that to me, if a man i could potentially date does not own at least one book, that's a bit of a red flag. she said to me my standards were too high (😆) and i think that's a bit sad. but, it does explain (partially) why men aren't in fanfiction spaces. they're (mostly) not in original fiction spaces either.

men are also socialised (at least in western culture) to value the pursuit of activities that will yield the most monetary returns. there is still, to this day, a lot of pressure put on men to be the main breadwinners and fanfiction, famously, is anything but that. writing fanfiction is a lot of work, for - guaranteed - no money. i think women are used to working for free: in the home, but also because of the gender pay gap. so, they're more likely to accept this situation than men who are like: 'what do you mean i need to spend a hundred hours writing a fic for no money?' when i was unemployed during the pandemic, i freelanced as an editor and you would not believe the number of men who sent me novels where they were like: this started as fanfiction for [x] (usually video games) but then i filed off the serial numbers because it didn't feel worth it to work on something i couldn't publish. then, fanfiction gets ridiculed as this thing that's only for teenage girls/women with no ambition, and men are even less likely to participate.

so, i think, naturally, this reflects in the readership (and writership) of HP fanfiction. it's unfortunate, but it's kind of an undeniable fact. and, this is worsened because when it comes to entertainment, men and women are also socialised to like different things. and thus, because fewer men write fanfiction, men who would only be readers don't necessarily find content that "speaks" to them, and thus don't read it. especially because studies show that men, because they are often cast and shown as the main protagonists in media, find it harder to project themselves in women/works written by women. they feel like they can't relate. so, it ends up being this chicken and egg situation of: women make up for most fanfiction writers, thus men feel left out and don't read, leading to fewer men writing it, etc.

and, to be honest, i feel like castles (and my works in general) is a perfect example of that:

i don't think i write for women. i think i write for humans. but also, i'm not dumb. my fics centre around themes and characters which mostly speak to women. i'm a hardcore, bra-burning feminist. my harry is definitely a man-written-by-a-woman (although, jkr is a woman too so i don't think i'm changing much, there). i write a lot of strong female characters. i write at length about violence against women. a lot of men don't want to read about that, because they don't think it's "for" them.

we all know and have seen in the past that the issue of feminism and women's rights is mostly owned by women. sure, some men are allies, i'm not denying that, but most of the campaigning and the shouting and the screaming is still the burden of women. we're still at the point where in order to get men to care about women's rights, we need to tell them: 'what if it was your sister?' 'what if it was your mother?' as though women don't have value unless they are part of their family. so, i'm not deluding myself into thinking that i have a large male readership because i know a lot of men don't relate to the things i write and aren't interested in trying.

that said, knowing that some of my readership (even if it's only ten per cent) is made up of men, fills me with joy. it fills me with hope that things might eventually change for the better. that men are starting to care/get educated, and also maybe see that feminism can benefit them too. the idea that some dude on his sofa is reading my very feminist fanfiction makes my day, really. i write about feminism and politics because i hope to see a change in the world and part of that is broadening my audience to people who might not be familiar with these themes. do i suspect most comments i get giving me pointless nitpicky/unsolicited criticism or telling me ginny is slut come from men? sure. but these are a minority and it's the price to "pay" when you write about these things.

so, my opinion on guys reading my works is that i don't really have an opinion, aside from the fact that i think it's amazing that you're there and my only hope is that there will be more of you in the future.

thank you so much for reading, and for being part of this community. it really means the world! 💚

For that OC ask game how about 3 for Kieran and Yuuha and 9 for Stewie :]

oh man 3 is such a good one for kieran and yuuha, thank u prince !!!!

so okay. UM this got kind of long so i put it under a readmore <3 can you tell i'm back on adhd meds <3

questions are from this post!

3. What is your oc's fatal flaw? Are they aware of this flaw?

So, first, Kieran. For full context, Kieran is originally my partner's oc, but now we both have custody of him <3 And when I mentioned this question to him he immediately said, "Oh, god, just one?" But anyway my answer for this is that Kieran's fatal flaw is love. (not romantic, he is arospec) .He would do anything for the people he cares about, at the risk of literally killing himself. He sees himself as worthless and irredeemable, and values the people he loves more than anything and definitely more than himself. If what that person wants hurts Kieran, he'll do it anyway. He'll do it to the ends of the earth. Part of this is because Kieran is a coward, and he considers that to be his fatal flaw. And to be honest the two are undeniably and inextricably connected. He doesn't want to let himself love. He feels it so much and buries it deep because he doesn't think he deserves it and he's too scared. His brother hates him and Kieran accepts that because he hates himself. He's just a big scared vulnerable feelings guy. :( but. tldr his ass is NOT aware of that flaw, he thinks it's that he's a coward. This love pertains specifically to like... platonic and familial love. His brother, the girl he considers his sister, Stewie, etc. When Kieran actually experiences romantic love he's kind of. chill with it. though that probably has to do with who the guy is tbh ( real quick i have to say now that i am talking about this story with people ((which is super exciting and fun for me!!!)) i need to say. kieran and stewie are not love interests. and in selkies it explicitly states that stewie reminds kieran of his brother evelyn for this reason specifically bc i can see it now. i can see if this ever somehow got published the biggest ship in the place would be kieran and stewie. crying emoji but im on my laptop)

3 for Yuuha:

His biggest flaw is definitely his pride. Yuuha is trans and at his old ballet studio, his instructor didn't acknowledge him as trans, and kept giving him parts that are generally for girls y'know. Often leads bc the instructor was obsessed with Yuuha (is the bad guy of that arc, has a palace, etc) and Yuuha kept taking them every time because he would rather be seen as a girl and be in the spotlight than be on the sidelines. And people used to talk shit about him because of it because he would complain about not being seen as a guy and then take like. idk clara from the nutcracker and people just saw him as a hypocrite. His pride is also what kept him from approaching Hifumi for years after they grew apart. Her success from afar made him feel bad after he quit dance and became a nobody, and he didn't know what she was going through and just assumed that she was too good for him. And he started to kind of believe it. His pride is also what almost gets him killed in the Metaverse, because he gets cocky and runs ahead without the PT. (in black mask au it's his pride that also gets him found out.) But he's extremely aware of this flaw, he just can't overcome it alone. He struggles with it constantly, and it's his Confidant route with Joker that helps him come to terms with it.

9. Do you have a specific lyric or quote you associate with your oc? For Stewie

I had to go through the songs on his playlist real quick but. look. there's a lot of things i associate with stewie but he is, before he is anything else, kindness and love and acceptance. and this is gonna sound so small and stupid and simple but "Everyone you know will lie / those you trust will make you cry / all hellos end with good bye / so who's afraid to love? Not I." it's just. the quintessential feeling at the heart of his character. he's not afraid to love. why yes he is kieran's foil how did you know? sidfjdsf i wrote so much stuff for kieran and yuuha and like. nothing for stewie but like. stewie is full of love. that's his whole him. full of love. like he's still a complex character with other emotions but the things that remind me the most of stewie are his determination to love people who are equally as determined to not be loved. to help people who insist (lying) that they don't want to be helped. to accept those who feel they'll never be accepted.

thank u for reading this long thing sfsdf thank u SO much for asking !!!! aaa!!!!!!!

ac lore please :)

Oh god I'm so tired so this shit is gonna be so incoherent and nonsensical BUT I'm gonna try my absolute best to make any of this make any sort of sense.

So, in the assassin's creed universe it's established sorta early on that humanity was originally made by these deity-like people. In that time these people created several powerful objects before 99% of them got blasted off the fucking earth thanks to solar flare. So! Humans inherit the earth! Okay cool fun nice yippeeeee humanity are no longer slaves and actually have autonomy this is a major win for us! But you see, the vast majority of humanity DOESN'T have this deity DNA going on because only a few humans ever got with these deity people, or the precursors. Technically they're the Isu but it makes me giggle just saying that SJSJSJS ANYWAY- most people don't have this DNA therefore they are more susceptible to these objects effects.

Descendents who have remnants of this Isu bullshit have things like the eagel vision! Okay cool there's an in universe explanation to how exactly the fuck a very certain number of people have super special vision that's somehow passed down through genetics. And these sorts of people largely end up being assassin's! But there are the handful of templars who have these abilities, looking at you Haytham and Shay.

ANYWAY there's this ASSHOLE of an Isu, Minerva, who is one of the only surviving Isu and uses the objects to manipulate humanity into eventually bringing her back. This is a plan that takes centuries btw and it involves a whole bunch of both manipulating templars AND assassin's.

I am gonna be honest though and say that the Isu stuff isn't what really attracts me to the series, the REAL fucking shit is the absolute fucking HORROR and DEVASTATION that these FICTIONAL HISTORICAL RPF CHARACTERS are doing to my mental health. Listen the Isu have absolutely fucking nothing on the CENTURIES of drama going on between the assassin's and templars, at this point I could care less about the dead godly fuckers because I'm so tuned the fuck in on the sheer scale of this drama.

Assassin's and templars are two sides of the same coin when it comes to humanity, one believes that freedom and guidance from the shadows is the proper way for humanity while the other side believes that people need a stronger hand and that the ends justify the means sorta deal. They cannot exist without the other because they're so intertwined and marred in so much violence, resentment, love, history, and hatred that they just can't live without the other. In a really fucked up sorta way they constantly keep each other in check and it's a neverending war between them, because their fundamental values put them against each other.

Just as a little example- assassin's believe that there is power in shadows, that not everything must be brought to the light and that sometimes... certain knowledge must be kept away from society for its own good. Templars on the other hand believe that there is power in collecting everything that they can as to better humanity and to give them the power and knowledge as to guide humanity. In a really fucked up sorta way they're the embodiment of light vs dark and just how each side can be disastrous or beneficial. It just messes me up so much that thwse guys and constantly at each others throats and you'd think that it would be a classic good vs evil sorta deal but!!!! No !!!!!!!!!

The creed is secretly full of corruption and is unwilling to act, so hidden in the shadows that they're scared to do anything but the barest of actions. They're a distant shadow from what they once were and they turn the other eye from corruption because they believe that the sacrifice is worth it considering the templars are their greatest enemy. But all that's happened is that their weakness and vulnerabilities have been allowed to fester and their core tenants become less and less repeated as time goes on.

And fucking- ABSTERGO???? OKAY so abstergo is sorta the front of the Templar order, but in my opinion I think they're an equally shallow shadow of what the Templar order was- or was trying to be. The Templar order is not united at all and it's just a collection of people with far too much power and influence who all have a knife to each others neck. Their core ideology has been abandoned in pursuit of their own capitalist greed and personal agendas that any sort of ideology has been left being in the modern age. In a fucking way they're both hollowed out versions of themselves and I want to scream !!¡!!! THEY'RE MIRRORS THEY'RE PARALLELS THEY'RE BROTHERS THEY'RE SISTERS THEY'RE FAMILY THEY'RE LOVERS AND THEY CAN NEVER FUCKING SEPARATE ONE FROM THE OTHER.

Imo I think the series hits hardest when they have Templar and assassin duos, or aka: Connor and Haytham, son and father. Arno and Elise, tragic lovers. The Frye twins and Starrick and Pearl, parallels of twins. Desmond and Lucy, the assassin who ran away and the double crossing templar.

It's like they each highlight their glaring weaknesses and strengths and I want to EAT THE WALLLLSSSSS!!!! Honestly I wish the Isu were completely fucking dead and gone so it could just be 24/7 assassin and templar tragedy hour cause I'm crying and throwing up over these dumb little guys.

OH YEAH DONT GET ME STARTED HOW THE MODERN ASSASSIN'S ARE CLOSER TO A FUCKINF CULT???? DESPITE THEIR WHOLE THING SUPPOSEDLY BEING FREEDOM?????? LIKE THEYRE JUST STRAIGHT UP A CULT AND DESMOND IS PRETTY RUTHLESS IN EXPLAININF THE WHOLE THING. The assassin's wanna say shit and yet they're in the middle of the fucking desert making child soldiers. Okay. Whatever. I still wish Desmond stabbed his dad tbh.

And there's the whole bleeding effect thing that happens when you're in the animus for too long and your brain starts to literally break but I can't think about that for too long because I start crying over lost opportunities. Did you know that time travel was gonna be a thing at first??? Like, when they were drafting out the assassin's creed plot???? DO YOU KNIW HOW MAD I AM TGAT THEY DIDNT KEEO TGAT-

Anyway hahahahhaaha teehee I love this series very much and I have stolen it from ubisofts greedy fucking hands ^-^ also look at these two who are steadily taking over my brain and I can see the light of escape fading before my very eyes ->

(This is also very random but a ton of the fashion in game slaps but I'm an especially big fan of the aesthetic in syndicate and unity)

(Arno is the one on the left and Jacob is the one on the right. They've never met in game but I'm so sure that they would explore each other's bodies and become painfully dependent on the other)

(Ignore how I'm debating starting another wip just for them. These dumb assassin's are gonna cry and see each other as their only salvation in absolute misery if I can help it)

Well guys, the Oscars are upon us. The coming days will no doubt be full of pre-party pictures, Oscars red carpet pictures, Oscars viewing party pictures, after party pictures, and so on all revolving around Hollywood's biggest award. It is a cultural event that continues to drop in the ratings and overall esteem but has an out-sized importance on the culture and the film world. It's hard to explain how something has gone from the average person going, "These are the best movies!" when I was a kid, even though they were not, to "The Oscars are a joke!" when nothing about the Oscars has much changed. It more about the pop culture landscape, as the film world narrows and grows more top heavy but also now that the internet gives more voices. It is still important in the sense that it is a bellwether of what is considered most important by the most mainstream of the film industry. It tends to always be looking back but then most things are. Anyway, the Oscars are most decidedly not the best movies of the year in my mind, as a matter of fact some of the Best Picture nominees are kind of bad actually. Not in the microbudget horror DVDs I own bad, they are competently made by professionals but also forgettable tripe that will largely just be forgotten in a decade. So here are some movies that I think are worth your time from 2022, a year that people bemoan for not being that great but that's a weird way to look at it, there were great things in this year, just not the sort of great things people are going to give a gold statue to. This list is not exhaustive nor is it ranked. I feel like ranking art is a stupid thing for stupid people. I apologize if you really like this but it strikes me as completely destructive and counter intuitive to actually enjoying art, it exists to create drama online and drive "engagement". There is a reason listicles are one of the internets most common piece of journalism in the era of click bait, they are arbitrary, a monkey can do it, and they make everyone upset so they tweet about it, thus bringing in more eyeballs and that sweet, sweet ad money. I also am not great at favorites because I find the art I like best in this moment is the one that speaks to my current mindset, that's the joy of great art, it grows with you and what you bring to it matters a great deal, it's why things shift over your lifetime. If you like listing your favorite whatever though that's great, my weird commitment issues are not your problem nor an indictment of your taste. There's a different between favorite and best I am saying. Final caveat is that I haven't seen every movie this year. I tried to see a lot, I did see a lot but you know, some stuff falls through the cracks. Or I know it's not for me so why bother? I knew I wouldn't like the Fablemens but got pressured into seeing it because it was important and you know what? It kind of sucked. A totally mediocre movie made by a great director. Who cares. So that said, the movies I saw this year that I think are of real value are as follows: Aftersun, After Yang, the Banshees of Inisherin, RRR, Everything Everywhere All at Once, Pearl, And X. Honestly, it was a strong year for horror in general and Pearl and X might not even be the best horror movies of last year but they are the most interesting and most compelling to me. Aftersun was probably my favorite movie of the year and really was magnificent top to bottom. Two strong performances and an examination of both depression and memory and how our relationships with our parents shift over our life as we can see things differently and understand them in a different light as an adult. After Yang also has a lot to do with memory and how we remember and what makes us. RRR is an amazingly fun action movie that is pure joy if you can ignore all the Hindu Nationalism and let's be honest, most of you are Americans so I bet you can. The Banshees of Inisherin is a difficult movie about a lot of things that I still think about. Everything Everywhere All at Once is a wonderfully joyful and emotional movie that manages to be hilarious, action packed, and beautiful and in a just world will win the Oscar tonight. Luckily, win or lose it's also a movie that makes us realize being a loser isn't so bad if you keep trying. So those are mine, feel free to make recommendations my direction if you want, or to talk to me about any movie you saw this year. I probably have thoughts, I am very opinionated. Anyway, getting on to my opinions, let's talk about who I want to fuck today, the main opinion that drives this blog. I am posting Mia Goth for lots of reasons but the big reason she's in my brain is we may not see her anywhere this weekend and that's a real shame because she should have been nominated for an Oscar. I will preface this by saying I don't have the same issues with a lot of the acting nominees that I do with the movies, in that it's rare to see a truly terrible performance get nominated (though there are quite a few life time achievement nominations I spy this time out) but they are often safe and predictable ones. Performances that seem to have been created to win awards rather than to illuminate and empower in the way only art can. Mia Goth hands down gave the best performance I saw last year of any woman. Her role in X was very good and you know, she played two parts and that could be seen as gimmicky. Much more of a "give me awards" sort of thing if that was the performance I wanted to talk about. It was very good, most telling to me is we are told early on in the movie her character is someone with an extra something. That is often a curse because if we don't feel it from the character then it's tell don't show and can hurt the entire thing. But by the end I got it, her character, when the spotlight is on, lights up in a way that you could just feel. So she was good in X. I am not here to talk about her in X. I am here to talk about her in Pearl which would have been an astounding character piece no matter what. It's basically all her, the movie is her and the pieces the come in and out of her orbit. They are people but for her character they are accessories. Obstacles or facilitators to her own happiness. Mia Goth played someone with some very serious mental issues and managed to make that person sympathetic and monstrous. She was a monster and I knew it but the performance was so good and so powerful you could still feel her sadness, her desperation, her need for whatever it was that was missing inside her that she just could not seem to fill with anything. That alone would have made this a really good performance. It's just that I also saw X, where she was someone so radically different if I didn't know it was the same actress I never would have guessed. Which is why Mia Goth's performance really should have gotten her award nominations but these aren't the kind of movies that get awards because these aren't the kind of movies you can brag about yourself with nearly as easily. The movie where Mia Goth fucks a scarecrow doesn't quite signal the prestige and bring about self congratulatory masturbation the way giving an award to a movie about say deaf people would. So the world is what it is but I am going to recognize her today. She is amazingly talented, I hope to watch Infinity Pool soon and I am very excited for what she has coming down the line. Oh, she also helped write Pearl, feels important to explain what a complete artist she is, she really did built the character from the ground up. Today I want to fuck Mia Goth.

OK, I'm not sure if I can phrase everything I want to say correctly, but I'll try anyway: YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY AMAZING!

Like, really!

Your art is just GORGEOUS, both old and new! And I love love LOVE that you included a bisexual trans male character! (SERIOUSLY, AS A BISEXUAL TRANS GUY MYSELF IT MEANS A LOT TO ME!) I just love Tristan so much, and (what seems to be) his li'l crush on Gabe is just adorable!

Although, to be honest, as much as I love those two (being laid-back and "looking for a dream boy" are two things I can heavily relate to), in terms of personality so far my favorite is perhaps Alizée, and design-wise it would be Noah. Like seriously, when it comes to Noah I can't decide if I just want to look like them or date them??? *fanboy scream* THEY'RE TOO COOL!!! (>////<)

Regardless, I just adore your comic, and everything about it. Everything looks great, everyone is adorable, the diversity is just AWESOME! Bianca and Penny's interactions are just so awkward, funny, cute, and relatable! I just love it! Thank you for bringing a little joy into my life as a non-straight, non-cis person looking for "rainbow" content.

Compliments aside, though, there's something I want to say. I just recently noticed you changed how you identify as, and I have to ask - how did you realize you were aro AND ace? If I remember correctly, you used to identify as aromantic and lesbian (sorry if that's not true, btw). Was it a case of you realizing you only liked girls in the aesthetic sense in spite of being open to intimacy and/or a relationship with them?

Sorry for the weird questions by the way, you don't have to answer them if you don't feel like it. I don't mean to be invasive, I'm just genuinely curious about such things, considering I am neither asexual nor aromantic exactly, and I have never felt any true semblance of being a lesbian (since I'm a trans boy who likes more than one gender, I could not feel any connection to the word "lesbian" when I learned about it even though I'm really into ladies).

If it somehow alleviates whatever discomfort I might have brought to you by bringing up a (possibly) unpleasant subject amidst such praise, I'd like for you to know that I have kind of aromantic/asexual -ish values myself. That is, in spite being a huge fan of romance and, er, "bedroom bonding," I think platonic love should always come first, and I always feel aces, aros, demis, and everyone in the ace/aro spectrum deserve better both in real life AND in fiction.

Anyway, I'm glad your art, comics, and characters exist, they're a treat to the eyes and a warm embrace for the soul, especially for LGBT+ people. I hope you continue to bring smiles to peoples' faces by being your lovely self, and I hope you always find people who do the same for you.

You are a rare jewel, and I wish you good luck on your journey as an artist, as a person, and as a human being.

(P.S. I just realized i made this message WAY too long than I had originally planned. I really went overboard with this one. Oh well... *shyly walks away*)

DUDE!!! I can't thank you enough for such an absolute essay I'm seriously so grateful for the time it must have taken to write this!! All your thoughts about my characters make me so so happy aaa I can't believe it <333

You're right, I used to identify as aromantic and lesbian and I still think women are very lovely! You're spot on, I'm definitely more into girls in an aesthetic sense I think they're funky and cool but god I would never want to date anyone.

I actually realized I am definitely asexual recently - basically w/o getting too explicit someone offered me the option to try "it" and it freaked me out so much it kind of set off an "ohhhh okay, I'm definitely not a sexual person" moment. Honestly, I kind of grew up being told I was too young to identify as asexual and to just wait until I'm older, but bro I'm older now and I still feel the same way so 🤠🤸‍♀️ Honestly I think my thoughts are if a label is resounding w you - give it a try, nothing has to be permanent! You're allowed to change your mind, there are no rules.

Anyway!! I just wanted to thank you again for writing to me and making my day, I hope you're absolutely thriving <333333

Yeah, umm, I wanted to ask, since you are the most UY centered blog around here (and if you have any time as well) What do you think of Lum? I mean, I have seen one post and you said she was your 2nd favorite UY character just after Ataru. That's great cus I loved Ataru a Lot! He ended up becoming my fave Rumiko mc, but Lum on the other hand 🥶. Idk, I disliked her a lot, I never figured out why she is so into Ataru so much, and although she changes her aggressiveness against him as the series advances in both manga and anime, she seemed so boring to me, almost every other female character with relevance was more entertaining than her imo (specially Sakura and Ran) so, can I get your take on her? OR if you have already answered something similar, could you show me? I tried to see YT videos about her but most of them only repeated random facts or bare explanations of the story. Maybe I just need some sort of analysis? 😅 but don't worry if you don't have the time

I feel so flattered you think of me as a UY-centered blog QuQ

I am gonna be brutally honest.

Lum is favored by her appearance by most of the youtube fandom. She is a girl with a bikini who loves hard and is loyal, she's a dream girl for every guy, lesbians, bisexuals and pansexuals.

Attraction and love can make people blind and the same can be say with hate.

I also had seen videos on Youtube and I hate how they put trash on Ataru's character, defining him as a poor and stupid loser who doesn't deserve perfect Lum.

First of all, let's not put this in the narrative speaking. Lum was a temporary character, Shinobu was Ataru's official and only love interest before Lum became the fan favorite and Rumiko was forced to make her the real love interest.

An option that I applaud because she added her in a believable way and developed her character.

Since you know how another character acted like that in her entry and still tries her best to force the protagonist to love her forcibly? Shampoo from Ranma 1/2.

She is a good character but she forces herself into Ranma too much and doesn't think about how he feels. That sounds so much like Lum in the first chapters.

Lum wasn't supposed to actually make Ataru fall in love with her right away. That's why she was acting like that and later had a change so she could fit better the story as a second protagonist.

Now with the narrative, it makes sense that Lum has a temper. She is a freaking ogre.

An alien one but still one.

AND LUM HAS FLAWS

She is not the perfect girl everyone pictures. She is insecure when it comes to Ataru's love for her that's why she gets jealous and craves his attention, she has also bad luck since when she tries her best sometimes her inventions cause more problems than anything. As Ran said once:

Now, with her love to Ataru. She didn't fell in love with him right away.

She only accepted to marry him because he won and thought it was his wish. She only began to feel attracted to him when she spent time with him and when she noticed how he wasn't a bad character after all. Lum is starved for his affection because she knows he cares for her, if he didn't she could pretty sure have finished their things as she did with Rei.

She is smart and knows her value, she always is there to help and one of the things I love is that after their first chapter with Shinobu she doesn't blame the girls at all. She punishes Ataru because he is the one flirting, the other girls don't take him seriously. She doesn't blame them or tells them to stop seducing her Darling.

We can exclude Ran but that's because she at first wanted to steal Ataru's strength as vengeance for Lum stealing the guy she liked but later she just flirts with him to annoy Lum.

Also, can we say how much Lum supports Ran's relationship with Rei?! Even if they finished badly in their relationship Lum wants Ran to be happy because she is her friend and how much she wishes Rei to be over her.

Back to her love for Ataru, Lum is loyal to him and she can actually see how he truly is behind his search for attention. She decided to stay with him even with all his flaws and even if he triggered hers but they actually are having a good development knowing how proud Ataru is.

My love for Lum is more about how flawed and real her character feels. She is curious and knows when things are too absurd to even for her standards, she calls Ataru out when he does something stupid but she also does her best when she is in a mess she got herself into and does stupid things.

Also, she is a teenager, it's already hard to be one when you're feeling so many emotions when you're that age and she being an ogre...increasing those feelings more I think she deserves some slack in that department.

Lum is far from perfect and there is a lot of room for her to grow but that is what makes her more charming for me. She has a personality, has flaws but also many positive things.

She is the first female character that broke that "Every female love interest is a soft and motherly" stereotype that was a thing in the 70's.

Sure she may be a product of her time but she is still an amazing character nonetheless. Making room for more strong female characters as we know them today.