#I actually don’t hate the break up part itself I think they could have played that fine | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

giac222 · 1 month

Text

I’m an Ashley Graves lover and defender till the end 🤞🏻🩷.

This is going to be a deep dive and a pretty long post, just a heads up! There’s a point in the beginning where I briefly discuss something else regarding TCOAAL because I felt that it ties in, but this post will mostly be focusing on Ashley + her experiences, and a little about how Andrew isn’t actually a doormat, not even close. 😶

Let’s get into it:

I adore her and I have the biggest soft spot for her, my empathy for her is through the damn roof. She’s a product of her environment, she wasn’t born the way she is (Andrew wasn’t either). It’s frustrating to see people claim she was born evil. I’d go as far to argue that she isn’t completely evil either. Her soul is the color of pitch black according to the demon in the game. But why is that? What caused it? The reason for this is because of how she’s been treated by everyone else around her throughout her whole life. It’s not like she asked or wanted to become a “tar soul”. Her environment made her sour, it made her hate people.. including herself.

After Ashley sacrifices the warden to the demon, when she’s thinking to herself, a text box comes up that says “You decide not to linger on the fact that your soul is apparently a vicious, pitch-black mess.” and after that we see another one that says “Guess you already knew that”.

I was thinking to myself, why the hell am I so attached to this character? Lmao. Why do I have such a huge soft spot for her? Then when I was thinking about it I realized it’s because I relate to some of what she’s been through. Especially her terribly low self-esteem that causes her to feel unlovable, ooo that hit home for me. For quite some time I dealt with that, and let me tell you, it truly is an awful feeling. It can make you very mean and bitter. It quite literally eats away at you. I’m 22 now and I’m able to reflect on those past experiences, that’s when I realized how bad it really was. When it comes to someone having poor self-esteem and not much self worth, it stems from somewhere. People don’t just randomly start hating themselves, there’s something that causes it to happen. It could be from a variety of things such as trauma, childhood experiences, comparison to others, and discrimination.

It truly sucks to see how many people online that seem to hate her (not on Tumblr, but almost everywhere else). Her backstory breaks my heart, it’s tragic, and it seems that people completely ignore what she’s gone through and what she STILL goes through.

I also hate that the game has kind of, in a way, become a meme due to the controversy. This game delves into very serious and depressing topics, so for losers online with 0 media literacy to water it down to “the incest game” is sooo agitating. This is just a personal opinion of mine, but I also feel as though the controversy made people play the game for the wrong reasons. Including a lot of “edgy” teenagers 😬. I don’t think I need to elaborate on that, I’ve touched on it before in a different post. I mean the amount of loud and wrong takes I’ve seen about the game… All I can do is shake my head 💀.

So, I’ll share my (maybe?) controversial opinion that some of the “fanbase” is part of the problem too, not just the people who hate the game that don’t even know what’s going on. I’ve talked about this before so I’ll keep it brief, but I feel it fits in the post so I’m including it. But on the game’s subreddit there are people who will reduce the game itself to fap material, and it doesn’t make sense to me because there’s quite literally nothing overly sexual or explicit in the game?? Even in the questionable route vision we don’t see anything explicit, we just know what happens. I’m like have y’all forgotten that this is a PSYCHOLOGICAL HORROR game?? How some of these people managed to reduce Nemlei’s work that she clearly put a lot of thought and effort into that covers dark topics and serious issues to fap material is beyond me…. What a way… just what a way. Let’s hope they get weeded out of the fandom before ch. 3 drops 🙏🏻.

Just to clarify so no one gets confused, I’m NOT referring to people who create NSFW art/posts of the game, like duh you guys know I love Ashley and Andrew 🤭🤭. I know what I’m about! 😂. Seriously though, I’m referring to people in the Reddit community who will quite literally just take people’s NSFW art (any fan art in general really) and upload it there without the artist’s consent (edit: I think if they give credit it’s not a big deal, and some artists may not care regardless. Some probably care, some don’t). It just seems like the NSFW stuff is the only thing a lot of them care about, and the shit they say is so unhinged at times I’m like???? Seek help. (Obviously it isn’t all of the members, but it’s definitely a lot speaking from my personal experience there before I left). In a way, I can’t blame outsiders for side eyeing the fanbase if that’s their first impression.

Between the amount of haters TCOAAL has and some of the questionable “fans”…. Yeah, we’re in the trenches 😂. That’s part of the reason why I left the server and now only participate in the Tumblr community. Not even trying to gate-keep or sound like an asshole, but a lot of the Reddit community doesn’t fit the game. I said what I said! As I’ve said before in a previous post, most of the trash takes I’ve seen on the game stem from there, and YouTube too. 😬

TCOAAL is a game that requires you to think and dig deeper, that’s why I love it. It touches on very heavy topics. Tbh it’s not something you can simply take at face value, that just defeats the purpose.

Now that that’s out of the way, let’s talk about Ashley! 🩷✨

When you pay attention to all the details and look deeper into Ashley’s character, you see that Ashley has quite literally been treated like shit her entire life by EVERYONE around her except for Andrew. That’s why it’s so easy for her to treat people as disposable, because that’s how SHE was treated her entire life 💔.

This scene specifically proves that:

Andrew really is everything to her. That boy is her sun, her moon, and all of her stars. 🥲💚. We see that he’s her main, and basically only source of happiness. He’s the only thing/person she cares about. I find it genuinely heartbreaking that he has been the only person Ashley could depend on throughout her life. Due to this, it makes sense as to why Ashley goes to such extreme measures to keep him around. if she lost him, she’d have no one else. So of course she’s scared that he’ll leave her. Even though we know he’ll stick by her side no matter what, Ashley does not. She’s quite literally the love of his life but she doesn’t know that. 😩

Then again, Andrew doesn’t show it, so of course she doesn’t get it. He’s never said I love you back to her, the closest we get to that is when he says “I like you… but you’re so exhausting” after their huge fight. If you look closely at his face in that scene, you’ll see gray blush lines on his cheek. Ashley has been abandoned by everyone except for Andrew, she needs validation and reassurance from him to know that he’s there to stay. He doesn’t really give that to her though, but he needs to STAT! As I said, we know he’s in it for the long haul, but Ashley does not.

You see, Ashley operates under the idea that Andrew doesn’t actually care about her. She believes that he couldn’t love her of his own will and that she has to manipulate in order for him to stay. I hold the opinion that she doesn’t do those things because she necessarily wants to, she does it because she feels like she has to in order to keep him around. She manipulates, but she isn’t very good at it 🫣.

Thinking about their huge fight in apartment 302 after Andrew killed that lady (she definitely did not attack him first, but we’ll get into that in a minute). When Andrew’s choking Ashley she brings up the fact that she’s the only one who can make his nightmares go away, but guess what we see in ch. 2? Before going to snoop on the cultist, if you go back to their motel room and you interact with the bed. A text box pops up that says “oh yeah, you tooootally have nightmares as often as you claim.”.. So, we now know that Andrew doesn’t actually have that many nightmares, he uses it as an excuse because he wants to sleep next to Ashley and be close to her.

Back to the apartment 302 incident, when Ashley goes back to that apartment after completing the ritual, she sees that Andrew killed the lady that lived there, he claims she attempted to attack him with the nail gun, but the nail gun was in the same damn spot! People should’ve started side eyeing him at that point in the game. I know I did LOL, “doormat extraordinaire” my ass 😂. Btw, there are people who genuinely believe he tried to sleep with the lady in 302, but she wouldn’t do it so he killed her….. 🤦🏻‍♀️. I wish I was joking.

Anyway, in Andrew’s dream when we go over the justified deaths, with the lady in 302, the first reason he mentions is “Ashley would have wanted to kill this one anyway” then he brings up no witnesses. To me, the fact that the first reason he mentions is Ashley wanting to kill her anyway showed that he killed her for Ashley more than anything. I mean, It did make Ashley happy that she died. He didn’t say anything about getting attacked, although it was obvious that was a lie already lmao. I believe that’s why he got so frustrated, which led to him getting pissed off after Ashley started accusing him of trying to sleep with that woman. Especially because once she started, it escalated quickly and she just kept going.. He was like “girl??? I literally killed this woman for YOU.” I could be wrong, but that was my interpretation on the situation.

Another interesting thing I thought about was how during their argument, Andrew tells Ashley to butt out of his love life, and that she always makes up some bullshit crisis for him to leave/stay when he’s out or about to leave to go meet up with someone. But in the flashback with Julia during his dream, while she’s raising genuine concern and mentions that it could be good for Ashley to learn some independence for her own sake. Also for Andrew to stop cutting things short on her, for the sake of their relationship, and so they can spend more time together. Andrew responds to that with “If your sister needed something, wouldn’t you go?” 👀. Andrew likes Ashley being dependent on him, he doesn’t want her to become independent. During their heated argument he admits to knowing her so called crisis she has before he leaves is “bullshit”. Yet he still chooses to leave to be with her anyway. Because again, Ashley’s the love of his life, people can deny it all they want but the proof is right there lmao. Not to mention he looked so sad hugging Julia until he asked her to tie her hair up… I see right through you Andrew 😂.

Also, him bringing up Nina’s death (Julia’s best friend) and lying to Julia’s face about it like he had no part in it, that was actually scary not going to lie 🫢. Plus him lying about Nina’s death affecting Ashley…like you know damn well. After their huge fight, Ashley said she was glad that Nina choked, which Andrew responded with “I know you are”.

That’s the thing about Andrew, he’s very good at lying and we see multiple examples of this in the game. When they were at their parents house Ashley decided to stay quiet because she couldn’t keep up with Andrew’s lies. In a different post of mine I talked about how “Andy” was a facade, but Ashley doesn’t understand that yet. She thinks he’s changing for the worst, but in reality he’s always been that way. His true colors are just now finally coming out.

Andrew and Ashley both had a shitty upbringing. I mean Mrs.Graves made Andrew take care of Ashley when he was a child, and I remember in a flashback he asked Ashley if she wanted to go with him because their mom gave him money for groceries, like ma’am why are you making your child go out to buy groceries??? Also, at the end of the day, she sold them both to organ harvesters. However, Andrew was treated somewhat better than Ashley during their childhood. We see this through the plushies in the puzzle before the questionable route vision, if you set Ashley’s plushie down at the table she immediately falls off. At their parents new home during dinner, Ashley sat on a mini ladder while everyone else had a chair, and simply the fact that Mrs.Graves gave Andrew their new house address, but didn’t give it to Ashley. They always shut Ashley out, they never cared about her nor did they try.

Now, let’s talk about one of, in my opinion, the saddest parts of the game. The flashback of Leyley’s birthday 🥲.

We see that neither her parents nor her friends cared about her birthday, they didn’t even try. She looked so sad talking about her friends here 😭. The fact that she brought up how her friends are always busy when she asks them for something shows that this is a recurring thing, her friends suck. I am in tearsss. I’m sick rn, she deserves everything and more. Andrew attempted to make her birthday special for her at least 🥺.

Also, I know Julia seems sweet from what we’ve seen, but I’m suspicious of her tbh 👀. We know Ashley hung out around her and Nina. I remember seeing one of the screenshots from a progress report where Andrew asks them if they could invite Ashley to sit with them sometime at lunch, so I’m assuming that’s how their “friendship” started.

Nina had a crush on Andrew, and Julia ended up dating him later on. I think it’s possible they only hung out with her just to get closer to Andrew. Julia wasn’t a very good friend to Ashley it seems, so it makes sense that she wouldn’t be thrilled about them dating. Especially because Andrew is the most important, well, really the only important person to her.

Something else to think about when it comes to people in Ashley’s life outside of Andrew: After Andrew killed the warden to protect Ashley and before they left their neighbors apartment, Ashley tells Andrew “I don’t give a rat’s ass about mom or dad. Or any of my so-called friends anymore.” and “Not one of them felt it necessary to answer my calls…”. When she says this she looks very upset. So, even in present time, Ashley still gets treated like shit by everyone around her except for Andrew, this has been an ongoing thing since her childhood.

Next up is this scene with Mrs.Graves while setting up the ritual:

This was after Ashley says “Lookie ma! I drew a circle!”. Mrs.Graves immediately starts putting her down. Ashley’s response to what her mom said shows me that this is something that commonly happened. I’m sure there were many times in Ashley’s life where she’d attempt to impress her mom and receive praise, but would immediately get shut down by her instead. The more I think about how terribly Ashley was really treated, the more sad I get about it, what the fuck 😭.

Ok, last thing to dissect. I wanted to talk about this comment from a YouTube video that came up under the “all” section on there. Beware, it might make you lose braincells. 💀

“Ashley is heavily sexualized” let me stop you right there ✋🏻 lmao. No she is not. At least to me she isn’t, I never got the impression that the game sexualized her. A lot of male players sexualize her (because of course they do 🙄), but the game? I disagree. You could say Ashley views herself as a sex object, but that doesn’t mean she’s sexualized by the game. She views herself that way because of her low self-esteem and the fact that she doesn’t believe someone could genuinely love her. Not to mention her internalized misogyny. Source? I’m speaking from experience. Having terribly low self-esteem really does drive you to dark places. It can lead to you basing your self-worth on people finding you sexually attractive or just attractive in general, like your self worth is based on your looks alone. That’s how you get validation even if it’s from a not so good place. It wears off pretty fast though, and it leaves a poor after taste. It’s only a temporary “good” feeling. If you don’t like yourself, no amount of attention will be ever good enough for you or truly make you feel better.

“Goth-esque fetish ware”, first of all it’s “wear”, and the “fetish wear” in question is just shorts, a black shirt, and a choker 💀. I cannot lmfao. Does that mean Andrew has “goth-esque fetish wear” too? Bc him and Ashley literally dress the same 😂. Not that this matters, but Ashley and Andrew are more emo to me lmao.

“She’s definitely a manipulative psychopath”… opinion immediately discarded because of this part of the comment alone.

“Her heavily sexualized existence”…. Don’t piss me off 🙄 like??? I can’t believe they said that. People with a brain larger than the size of an atom know that Ashley’s entire existence isn’t sexualized, I’d argue that it’s quite literally the opposite. It’s almost like they want Ashley to be this seductive sex kitten, but she just isn’t that. They project that onto her. I feel like some people think that Ashley simply existing with a bigger bust means she’s automatically sexualized, some men feel this way about women with bigger busts in real life too, so them doing it to a fictional character doesn’t shock me. Worms for brains I swear.

The comment Ashley makes about her “big fat tits” in the motel room during her mini argument with Andrew was literally so unserious. There’s the scene where Andrew was lying on the couch in their parents house when Ashley wakes him up out of his dream, and we see him looking at her boobs from his POV. However, that was literally so mild, you hardly even saw anything lmfao. I feel like Nemlei added that in to show that Andrew’s sexually attracted to her, plus it was a little before the scene where Ashley playfully bites him, and (in my opinion) where they almost fully crossed the line (because of Andrew mind you) before their mom came in. We all saw that pillow placement 😂. There are other signs of him being attracted to her before that as well, like when we see him push the thought of hugging her to the back of his mind “where it may fester with all the thoughts he wish he never had” + that scene in the kitchen where he was sort of touching her butt and had his fingers through her belt loop, but when their mom came in he jerked away and looked as if he got caught.

People will claim that Ashley is the only one that’s incestuous and that she “forced” it onto Andrew, but in ch. 2, we see that Andrew is arguably more incestuous than she is. Ashley loves Andrew to death, but she isn’t exactly horny for him the same way he’s horny for her. Think about their reactions to the questionable route vision. Ashley was pretty chill about it, while Andrew was beat red and embarrassed because his repressed inner thoughts just got exposed. The demon clocked his tea 😂.

I’ve spoken about this before so I’ll keep it brief, when it comes to sex Ashley doesn’t care much about it and views it as transactional, as something she can use for personal gain. As I kind of said already, to me, her viewing herself as a sex object and having that view on sex in general ties into the fact that she has internalized misogyny and her personal belief that she’s unlovable. So, not only does she view herself as a sex object, but you could say that she also views other women as sex objects too.

This is my personal opinion which I’ve shared before, but when her and Andrew fully cross the line (because they’re definitely going to) and he finally shows her that he loves her as well, I think her views on sex may change a bit. That she’ll start seeing it as something out of love that they can both enjoy. As something they can experience together, instead of her ignoring her own desires and being his personal sex object to use to attempt to keep him around.

Do I think that Ashley isn’t horny for him at all? Tbh no. I mean she literally says she assumed it would happen between them eventually anyway, so she’s definitely thought about it before. However, it’s nowhere near Andrew’s level lmao. We know Ashley is a virgin and honestly, I think Andrew is the only one she’d happily lose it to. If she were to sleep with anyone else, I doubt she’d enjoy it and would only use it as personal gain for something. As of right now, she views sex as a way of keeping Andrew around, however, I feel this is because of the fact that she doesn’t actually think he loves her and will stay with her on his own. She loves Andrew and wants to be with him, she wants him to reciprocate her love. As I like to say, Andrew’s her boo 😂, that girl doesn’t want anyone else.

Alright, let’s finish dissecting that goofy YouTube comment.

“practically puts the usually male players protective instincts into overdrive.” I don’t know wtf this means lmao, but it made me cringe. Some men need to be banned from speaking on Ashley until we figure out what’s going on 😂. Bc every time they speak on her I lose braincells. “Protective instincts” yet they quite literally don’t understand anything about her character or her struggles 💀. Maybe sit this one out lmao.

Not to sound like a broken record, but a big part of Ashley’s character is that she has very low self-worth and that she doesn’t believe people, more specifically Andrew, could actually love her (💔). I mean think about how she’s been treated for her whole life, it makes sense as to why she developed those feelings about herself and others. Her mindset is “well people never cared about me, so why would I care about them?”. Having people regularly treat you like shit takes a toll on your self-esteem and impacts your world view. Especially if it happens in your childhood.

Ashley quite literally loves Andrew more than she loves herself. I want better for her :’( and she deserves better too. I don’t care about the Ashley haters opinions. There are people who believe that she’s faking her low self-esteem in order to manipulate Andrew….. 🤦🏻‍♀️. Have you even paid attention to anything in the game?? That’s one of the biggest things about her character like hello?

I should have added this in earlier oops, but I’m adding it in now. After her and Andrew first talk to the lady in 302 and they leave her apartment, Ashley asks why the lady got special treatment but they didn’t, and why she didn’t get any food. Andrew responds with “maybe you just aren’t pretty enough”, he wasn’t being serious, but she took it that way. It didn’t help that he said “I mean… wasn’t she?” After Ashley asked if he thought she was pretty. That’s why Ashley wanted to shoot her after the ritual. You can see Ashley looks upset when she asks “do you really think I’m not pretty enough?”. Then gets angry and says “So ugly am I, that I shouldn’t even be fed?”. This is her insecurity and low self-esteem kicking in on full display.

This is a similar situation to what happened when her and Andrew were looking for something to lock Nina in the crate with at the warehouse. She asked him what he thought about Nina and if he found her pretty. He said “she’s fine… I guess”, which made Ashley unhappy. Even though Andrew wasn’t into her, like at all. Ashley has been dealing with insecurity and low self-esteem ever since she was a little girl 😭. I’m so upset for her like you guys have no idea.

After Ashley traps Nina in the crate, there’s a point where she’s crying and says “It’s not fair!! Why does everyone like her better??” “I’m loud and weird and annoying and no one likes me at all!!!”. 😭. My heart is breaking as we speak. It’s hard for me to believe she said all of that just to manipulate Andrew in that scene. I know in ch. 3 we will be delving more into their childhood, and I have a theory that Ashley was also bullied in school. I mean to refer to herself as loud, weird, annoying, and to say that no one likes her at all. That absolutely came from somewhere, and I don’t think it was just from Mrs.Graves.

So, to see people with the emotional depth of a raindrop get online and say that she’s solely the problem, that Andrew needs to get rid of her, and that she’s simply just evil… is, to put it lightly, very annoying. I’m gonna say something, you know I love both Ashley and Andrew, but we need to be honest! People give Andrew too much of a pass. I mean they literally excuse all of the terrible things he’s done and blame Ashley for “making” him do it. They give him a pass for everything, but have 0 empathy for Ashley despite everything going wrong in her life since she was born. They completely ignore that she’s a product of her environment. When it comes down to it, what good experiences in life has she really had?

Also, Andrew is more violent than Ashley is. I think that’s self explanatory. People seem to forget that she quite literally just wants to live a peaceful life with Andrew. During the “quarantine” while they were still in their old apartment, she says “Aside from the starving, it’s not so bad here.” and “Aside from starving, I like it here”. Ashley doesn’t want to live a life of violence and chaos, and we see this in the room before unlocking the door that leads us to the two burial route choices. If you place the knife down (violence) nothing happens, but when you place the flower down (love) - (my bad guys originally I put heart instead of flower, I changed it!) - the door becomes unlocked. She also gets upset when Andrew tells her that they can’t live at their parents new house, she literally doesn’t want to be on the run and just wants stability.

On Pinterest, I see girls talk about how much they hate Ashley in the comment sections. They literally just do this because they think Andrew’s hot 😂. Especially when they call her a bitch, like grow up 🙄. I’ve also seen people refer to her as a “pick me”?? Literally how? Immature teens need to be banned from playing this game LOL. It’s giving those male celebrity fandoms that dig to find anything “problematic” on a girl said male celebrity is dating just because they’re pissed it isn’t them, they don’t actually care if she’s problematic or not.

It’s literally just misogyny, they do this a lot to women in media. Breaking Bad is the biggest example of this, the people that act like Skyler White is worse than Walter are delusional as hell. Sorry, but If you’re misogynistic, lack empathy and/or emotional depth, TCOAAL isn’t for you 🤷🏻‍♀️. Period. That’s why the game deserves a better fanbase than the one it has outside of Tumblr. It deserves better in general.

They don’t care to look into why Ashley is the way she is. If it wasn’t obvious already, Andrew brings out Ashley’s worst behavior and blames her for making him do bad things. In his mind he can’t be guilty, so he needs something on the outside to blame (Ashley). Mrs.Graves contributes to this btw, during the setup of the ritual before they sacrificed her and Mr.Graves she was pretty much saying “I know you don’t want to do this, I know she’s making you do it!” 🤦🏻‍♀️. She sounds like one of those boy moms that go “my son didn’t do shit!” 😂.

The worst are the people who reduce Ashley to fap material and a “hot crazy girl they can fix or make worse” 🤪, and basically fetishize her (unchecked) mental health issues that contribute to how she acts. Again, she’s had crippling insecurities and low self-esteem since she was a kid, Ashley has had just about 0 good life experiences outside of the ones with Andrew. So it is incredibly frustrating to see. I’m like I hate y’all I really do, read the damn room 🙄. They need to stop projecting their weirdo shit onto her.

People who fetishize mental illness and talk about how they want to “date a crazy bitch” are so gross. If/when they actually date someone with said mental health issues, when things get bad and they don’t fit the fantasy anymore, they’ll get disgusted and drop the person struggling with mental issues like trash. Anytime I see a guy say “crazy girls with mental issues are better in bed!”…. I’m like I know what type of man you are 🫥…. Perish 🗣️.

Ashley and Andrew both have unchecked mental illness, we know this. It’s quite literally not their fault. However, I personally don’t feel comfortable diagnosing them. Every time I see someone online say they were a born a psychopath, sociopath, etc. I lose brain cells. Mind you, I’m literally majoring in psychology and I still don’t feel comfortable diagnosing them.

To wrap things up because I know this post is LONG! I empathize with both Andrew and Ashley because they’ve both been dealt a bad hand in life. Their parents failed them in every way, and the society they live in is totally dystopian. However, when it comes to Ashley specifically? I have all the empathy for her in the world, especially because I understand some of the things she’s dealt with and how painful it really is. Digging deeper into her character shows you that she has quite literally been through hell and back. You can say she’s a victim turned villain, but honestly? I don’t really even consider her a villain, maybe that’s controversial to say but 🤷🏻‍♀️, I don’t think she’s irredeemable either. She’s someone who was hurt very badly, her wounds run deep, and she never really got to heal from any of it.

I just want her and Andrew to have a happy ending, it would be nice for them to experience genuine happiness for once. I would also like to see Ashley gain some self love in ch. 3, maybe Andrew will be able to help her with that in a way as their relationship improves.

Honestly, people who act like the questionable burial route is the “bad” ending are in denial so bad. Nemlei has said that “Burial” and “Decay” aren’t an indicator of a “good” or “bad” ending though. There will also be multiple outcomes to discover. I’m both excited, and scared lol.

I love Ashley Graves so much as a character, she’s so interesting and complex. I don’t play about her 😂. When it comes to defending her I’m on the frontlines lmao. The misogyny/hate when it comes to her is crazyyy. I’ll be the odd one out I don’t care, she’s my girlie 💕. It’s always refreshing to see other people who adore her and actually understand her as a character.

~~~~~~~~

Thank you so much for reading ❤️. I think this is my longest post yet 😳.

Also, a big thank you to everyone for all of the notes on my TCOAAL posts! I truly appreciate it. I’m so glad other people adore this game just as much as I do. :)

Unfortunately I’m not able to follow people back since this is a side blog. :/, but I do really appreciate everyone that follows me, I hope you like what I post. 💜

I’m currently working on creating an ooak doll of Ashley! 🤭💕. I’m SO excited to finish it and post her!

I plan on making a post about the Decay route at some point, because I realized I haven’t discussed it much. Probably because that route makes me sad 😓. However, it’s still incredibly interesting and I’m both excited and nervous to see where it goes.

#that one girl who don’t play about ashley graves #ashley graves’s defense attorney #tcoaal spoilers #tcoaal #the coffin of andy and leyley #nemlei #ashley graves #andrew graves #coffincest #gravecest #leyley graves #andy graves #kit9 #i hate reddit #i hate stupid people #this is a pretty long post oops #long post #longer post #just my thoughts

74 notes · View notes

harrystylescherry · 1 year

Text

A/N: i am finally back from the pits of...my life, where all i do is work and complete grad school homework. i have like 15 fics started but not finished--but this one got done in 2 days!! look, girls (me) just wanna have fun (erotic fantasies) okay? thanks

*warning: spanking/paddling, mild pain

what this is: pure smut tbh

word count: 7.1k

let me know what you think :)

MASTERLIST

“Come,” Harry’s voice was low, demanding, as he sat on the edge of the bed with his hands gripping the end of the mattress.

Your insides melted and heat spread between your thighs–but you weren’t in the mood to play the part of the submissive today. Although your boyfriend would argue that it wasn’t a part you were playing at all, but who you were deep down. And you hated that he was right. Because underneath your frustration was the need for him to not be upset with you, to please him, to ask for forgiveness.

But you had had a shitty day, one filled with pointless meetings that kept you from doing the work you were actually hired to do, and then got chewed out by your boss for not having met a deadline–one she told you not to worry about in favor of attending those stupid meetings. So you had worked late, hammering out a piece on the benefits of vitamin C, which was really just a regurgitation of all the other info that existed on the internet.

Harry had tried to comfort you, to rub your shoulders as you typed as fast as you could, sighs slipping so fast from your lips it sounded like a single, never ending sound. It was when he suggested, or more-like commanded, that you take a break and eat something that you snapped at him. At the time, you hadn’t really been thinking of the consequences. Especially since he brushed it off with a light squeeze of the back of your neck.

After you sent off the piece (along with a very fake but very polite apology to your manager about missing the deadline), you slapped your laptop shut and finally took a seat across from him at the table.

You didn’t even acknowledge him as you dug into the pasta he had made, realizing for the first time that you hadn’t eaten since ten that morning, despite working from his home office. You were wound tight, your shoulders still tense even after Harry had attempted to relieve some pressure.

“You really need to quit.” He said, his eyes on you.

“I know,” you sighed. You didn’t want to have this conversation with him again. It happened once a week. He just didn’t get it–he was older (only by a few years, teetering on the edge of his twenties) and was already established, already successful. He was already a partner at an ad firm, already proved he was worth something. You, on the other hand, were a struggling journalist who wanted into the music industry–but freelance was hard and you needed money. This job paid a lot. Probably because they needed to make up for the fact that the company itself was a shit show. But it was fine–and you were applying. You were trying to quit, but you needed a net. And Harry didn’t understand that.

“You work ridiculous hours and your boss is insane.”

“I know.”

“It’s killing you, and–”

“Jesus Christ, I know,” you snapped. “Do you really think I don’t know? I hate my fucking job, but I need it, okay? And no, you can’t help me so I can quit and not have to worry while finding something new. I don’t need you to take care of me. So stop.”

His shock morphed into irritation. “That’s strike two.” His voice was hard. “And only because I know you’re having a bad day, and that you didn’t mean it.”

“And what if I did,” you mumbled as you moved your food around your plate.

Harry exhaled sharply through his nose and stood up from the table. “Finish eating. Then we’ll talk.” It wasn’t a request. On his way to the sink, he dropped a hand into your hair and scratched softly. “I’ll be in my office.”

Even in a shit mood, Harry in Dom mode was hot. This wasn’t something new to either of you, but you two weren’t very hardcore either–no whips or masks, or gags. You were more of a bondage and mild pain kind of girl and Harry respected that, though he did sometimes push your limits.

When you two were out in the world–on dates, at parties, with family or friends–the dynamic was normal, but in the evenings, after you were both home from work, and over the weekends he got to order you around, punish you and take you however and wherever he wanted. So, really, you should probably apologize before you got yourself in trouble.

You weren’t in the mood to give up control tonight, not entirely. You didn’t even think you could if you wanted to. The stress was at an all time high and you were gripping tight to whatever control you had, since at work lately, it felt like you had none; at the whim of everyone you worked under. The late nights, the Teams messages at random hours of the day–your control was slipping in a way you didn’t like. There was no way you could give up whatever semblance of it you had left.

It seemed your boyfriend knew that, and was giving you opportunities to relax in a way he didn’t do very often–ever, actually, up until a few weeks ago when you started shutting down from stress. Instead of bending you over his knee or edging you until you were close to tears, he’d let the disobedience slide and curl you into his lap or side instead. Still, he’d demand you tell him how you felt, talk through your stress and frustration, refusing to let you disrupt the free flowing communication that needed to exist between the two of you, or keep yourself closed off from him.

Opening up to him wasn’t hard. It never was, and it’s what made him the perfect Dom for you. That and he was really fucking hot, lean but strong. And the way he looked in a suit? Jesus.

Your muscles clenched at the thought.

You finished your plate and drank the rest of your wine. After dumping your plate in the sink and refilling your glass, you made your way up the stairs and down the hallway where Harry’s office was. You paused to the right of the doorway and took a deep breath. For the first time in a long time, you didn’t want to talk. It wouldn’t do any good. Why couldn’t he just let you stew and drink. Why did he have to know everything?

Something inside you flared. That was bad. Anger wasn’t good–anger meant a biting remark that would surely get you in trouble. You took a long sip of wine and another deep breath before relaxing your shoulders and walking into the room.

Harry was sitting at his desk, typing away on his laptop. He had cleaned up all your work stuff from the day, piled your notebooks neatly on top of your laptop, recapped all your pens and fastened them back into their case.

You stood next to him, and he didn’t even look at you. You tried not to tap your foot or sigh with impatience, but it was hard.

“Plan on behaving now?” He asked with his eyes still on the screen.

You bit your tongue and counted to three. “Yes.”

He raised his eyebrow and peeked over at you.

You swallowed the annoyed sigh. “Yes, sir.” You ignored the way your cheeks flared when you said it.

“Better,” he said before going back to the document on his screen.

Oh my god. Couldn’t you two just get this over with so you could take a bath and go to sleep? The thought of having to wake up and work tomorrow made your jaw clench. You closed your eyes and told yourself it was fine.

But it wasn’t fine. You were miserable and so stressed out that you woke up every morning with a sore jaw. The anxiety bundled in the pit of your stomach before making its way up your throat. The thought of logging in tomorrow, being met with at least seventy emails and your submitted draft hacked up by your manager–who had never written a thing in her life, by the way–made your cheeks burn and chest clench.

If Harry noticed, he didn’t seem to care. He didn’t tell you to sit down or go to sleep or…literally anything. The anxiety morphed itself back into frustration as you just stood there, waiting.

He pulled his hands from his keyboard and rubbed them over his face before motioning to you. You took a step closer and he pushed the chair back slightly and pulled you to stand between his legs. Harry took the glass from your hands and put it on the desk. He planted his hands firmly on your hips and squeezed until it was almost painful.

A rush moved through you.

He dropped his head against the spot right under your chest and kissed over the t-shirt you wore. Before you could drop a hand into his hair, he stood up.

He walked towards the small love seat that sat next to the tall bookshelves and pulled you after him. You worked hard not to shuffle your feet.

Harry sat down and pulled you into his lap with ease. “Talk.”

“There’s nothing to talk about.” You were met with narrowed eyes and a stern look. You crossed your arms protectively over your chest and his eyes narrowed even more. When you wouldn’t relent, Harry squeezed one of your thighs harshly. You jumped and resented the heat that returned below. You dropped your hands into your lap and Harry’s big hand fell over them. Holding them here.

“Try again.”

You stretched your neck, trying to expel some of the frustration and anxiety you felt. You didn’t want to talk about it. Why did you always have to talk about it? Maybe if you just apologized, it would be fine and he’d let it go. Maybe. Hopefully.

“I’m sorry, sir.” You morphed your face into something that you hoped looked sincere and sorry. Even though you weren’t. At least, you weren’t sorry [enough]. You didn’t want to upset him, ever. You wanted his praise, for him to be proud of you–but there was only so much succumbing to power a girl could take. You were taking it enough at work. Succumbing at home wasn’t as easy these last few weeks. “I shouldn’t have spoken to you like that.”

“No, you shouldn’t have. You shouldn’t be lying to me either.”

“I’m not–” Another harsh squeeze to your thigh. When you saw the disapproving look on his face, a part of you yearned to fix it. And you fought that part of you away. Keep your control.

“We don’t lie, love.” The softness seeped back into his voice. “If you’re going to apologize, you’re going to mean it.”

You raised your eyes to his, a rip of fire going through you. You didn’t want to apologize to him–not when he started it. You had dolled out enough apologies for one day–to your manager, mostly, after taking the blame and fixing problems she created. “Well, then I guess I’m not apologizing.” A pause. “Sir.”

Harry clicked his tongue in disapproval and gave a laugh devoid of any humor. “Strike three, then.”

You rolled your eyes and he caught your chin between his fingers roughly. “You and your fucking attitude lately. I’ve been patient.” His eyes darkened. “Not anymore.”

He put you on your feet and tugged your hair before walking wordlessly out of the room.

You knew you were supposed to follow him, that he [expected] you to follow him–a shiver ran down your spine. The urge to follow him, to relinquish your control started to consume you and you fought it.

If you don’t go, it’ll be worse. If he has to call your name, the punishment will be worse.

You squeezed your eyes shut cursing yourself for being stupid, for forgetting your restraint; for thinking that Harry would allow you a little power, that you could hold onto it.

By the look in his eye and the tone of his voice, he hadn’t been joking. His patience was spent and you were in for it.

Your thighs clenched at the thought and a little apprehension mixed with the thread of thrill that laced through your stomach. He wouldn’t be too harsh, would he? It had been a while. A few weeks at the least–maybe even two months since you had been punished, since things had hurt just a little more than they pleasured.

You realized you were still standing in the middle of the office and hurried after him down the hallway, not wanting to give him another reason.

His back was to you when you stepped into the room and he was taking off his tie in front of the mirror. “Strip,” he ordered.

The deepness of his voice was welcome, though your nerves spiked just a little.

You pushed your jeans down your legs and slipped off your t-shirt. Then, your bra and panties. When he turned, his gaze was disapproving and your heart sank.

“I don’t remember giving you permission to look at me,” he said as he rolled up his sleeves.

You dropped your eyes immediately. Christ, he was serious. You were in more trouble than you had been in in ages.

“Turn around and bend over. Hands around your ankles.”

Your face heated. Immediately, you did as you were told and chastised yourself. So much for keeping a semblance of control.

“What’s your safe word?”You heard him open the wardrobe in the corner of the room and then rummaging.

“Red,” you said, your uneasiness evident. His movements paused. “Red, sir.”

You heard him hum, satisfied. “Good.”

Your heart rate increased as his footsteps grew closer and you heard him tap something against his leg. You peeked around your legs and your breath caught.

“It’s been awhile so here’s a reminder: the safe word is only to be used if absolutely necessary; when you physically or mentally can’t take it anymore. Not because you’re nervous or scared. Not simply because it hurts. Understood?”

“Yes, sir.” You made sure not to forget that time. His taking a moment to clarify left you shaking slightly. If he noticed, he didn’t comment. He didn’t try to assuage your nerves either.

He held the crop at his side while he ran a hand over your ass. “Soft,” he said, his voice anything but. The crop smoothed over your ass before tapping lightly against your skin. When he brushed it over your exposed pussy, you forced yourself to hold back a whimper. “I’ve been nice. More than nice. And you’ve taken advantage.”

The crop came down on your ass and you flinched. It was only a sting–one that morphed into pleasure quickly.

“I’ve been patient, letting you speak to me in a way that would usually have you bent over the table in less than a second.”

It came down on the other cheek, harder. You released a small sigh at the sensation.

“It’s my fault really, for encouraging it. For letting you get away with it.” His voice told you that he didn’t really believe that. “Or maybe it’s your fault for continuing the behavior, knowing I would disapprove, knowing you were being disobedient and doing it anyway.”

The clear disapproval in his voice made your chest ache and cheeks heat in embarrassment.

Another swat to your ass–and then another, quick on the other cheek. Hard. Your body scooted forward involuntarily and you whimpered. Harry grabbed you and held you in place. “Don’t move.” The growl in his voice sent heat straight to your core.

“This fight for control, it needs to stop. I don’t know where it’s come from because you refuse to talk–another rule broken–but it’s got to end. You need to understand your place, sub.”

Your cheeks flamed. He hadn’t called you that since the early days of your relationship when you tested his boundaries, when the two of you were still getting used to one another and your dynamic. You didn’t like the typical nicknames like pet, or kitten. They made you feel inhuman and a little gross, so Harry tended to call you ‘love’ even when he was angry, when you did something wrong, or were being punished. It was never about what he said, but the way he said it–the fact that he had pulled that out meant you were absolutely fucked.

He swatted your ass a few times in succession, giving you no time to recover between. The stinging sent shocks straight to your clit. You knew you were wet. You could feel it drip through your folds.

“I won’t stand for the disrespect any longer. Understood?”

“Yes, sir.” Your voice wavered. You wondered if his approval showed on his face, but you were still folded over.

His fingers grazed over the sensitive skin of your ass and you inhaled. They trailed down between your cheeks and circled your clit once. You moaned. His fingers moved up and he pushed one slowly inside of you. Pleasure always came after the punishment–so was it over? Was that it? That was nothing, thank–

“Seems you’re enjoying this a little too much, huh, sub? Not much of a punishment if you’re soaked but not begging. Right?”

You took a deep, shaky breath.

“Ah!” You shrieked when the crop made contact with the sensitive spot where your ass met your thighs.

“When I ask you a question, you answer.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Stand up.”

When you stood, all the blood rushed back down from your head and you stumbled. Harry caught you easily with a hand on your arm. Once you recovered, he dropped his hand.

“On the bed on your stomach. Ass up, knees apart.”

You kept your eyes down and didn’t move. Nerves filled your chest. It had been so long.

Harry stepped in front of you and tilted your chin up towards him, but you kept your eyes down, not wanting to disobey again.

“Look at me.” When you lifted your eyes, there was a slight smile pulling at his cheek. Approval. Your shoulders relaxed and a small amount of pride swelled in you. “Good girl.” He brushed his thumb over your lips. “It’s gonna hurt. It’s a punishment. You remember those, right?”

“Yes, sir,” you whispered.

The warmth in his eyes returned for a moment and he brushed his knuckles over your cheek. He dropped his hand. “Get on the bed, sub.”

The check-in was over and your all demanding dom was back.

While you got situated on the bed, Harry returned to the wardrobe. You couldn’t see what he was getting, but what you heard lit your nerves on fire. It wasn’t the jingling of the restraints, but his knuckles against the paddle that sent your heart into your throat.

You liked mild pain. Last time he used the paddle, it was a little more than mild. The last time–your skin paled when you remembered. The last time he had used it was during a punishment.

“Hands above your head,” He said as he made his way to stand to the side of the bed.

Your heart was beating so hard you could feel it reverberating off your ribcage, but you obeyed–slowly. He took cuffs from the bedside table and secured them onto your wrists. The coolness of the leather sent a reminder of want straight down to the spot between your thighs. Harry’s fingers brushed over yours unintentionally as he attached the cuffs to one another, and then to one of the restraints attached to the headboard, and you stopped yourself from reaching for him.

Roughly, he pulled you back by your hips until you couldn’t move your arms from where they were above you. Silently, he looped similar cuffs around your ankles and attached them to the restraints at each corner of the bed. There was nowhere for you to go.

In a small moment of panic, you attempted to tug at the restraint keeping your hands above your head, and felt the heat of fear in your cheeks. When Harry heard your small whimper, he came to the side of the bed, placed one big hand over your cuffed wrists and the other on the small of your back, warm and reassuring. Immediately, you felt your heart rate slow.

“Relax. It’s okay.” He paused while you took a deep breath, but your face was still hot. “Do you trust me?” He asked with a voice full of caring.

Of course you did. Harry wouldn’t ever give you more than he knew you could handle; he would never actually make you feel unsafe, or the kind of fear that wasn’t linked to pleasure and excitement.

Speaking of which, as he rubbed the spot on your back, you felt the heat pool at your core.

“Yes, sir.”

“Good girl.” He smiled before disappearing from your view.

From somewhere behind you, he knocked his knuckles on the paddle once more, almost as a warning.

When it came down the first time, it was nothing more than a sting–one that, you admitted, you quite liked. The next few continued like that, the stings turning into a warmth that had you on the verge of moaning.

Once you finally let one slip, the next spank came down harder. You flinched and sucked in a breath each time it came down.

“Does that hurt?”

You whimpered in response.

You attempted to move forward, away from the paddle, when it came down even harder across both of your cheeks.

“Does that hurt, sub?” His voice was low, hard.

“Y-yes, sir.”

“Do you like being punished?”

“No, sir.”

Your ass stung--a burning kind of sting that would have you wincing until tomorrow. And yet, you felt your arousal drip down your leg.

Suddenly, Harry’s fingers were at your core, swirling in the slickness that coated your folds.

“Lying again, are we?”

“No, sir.” And you weren’t lying. You didn’t like being punished, who did? It wasn’t your fault that your body enjoyed the pain, the stinging.

He sighed. “I was going to be nice and only go for ten more, but bad girls don’t get ‘nice’.” He swiped his thumb over your clit and you moaned. When he pulled his hand away, you tried to push yourself towards him, but the goddamned restraints wouldn’t allow it.

“Ah!” You cried when the paddle came down so hard that it more than stung. The pain thudded through your muscles. Twenty of that? The worry prickled over your skin, leaving goosebumps in its wake. The harsh pain faded, leaving a stinging that you could handle.

“Count them.”

Whack

“One.”

Another.

“Two.”

Another.

You whimpered. “Three.”

By ten, your voice was shaking and your eyes had begun to water. He wasn’t feeling very accommodating anymore, which was fair considering how far you had pushed him and the rules, and wasn’t giving you a second to recover. Wasn’t giving the sharp pain a chance to dull before coming down again.

By fifteen, you were tensing in preparation for each spank and your ass felt like it was on fire. The heat extended down to your clit, where it ached with need. Each hit sent a vibration straight past your core and to your clit, which was swollen and aching to be touched. You hadn’t let a tear fall yet, but you weren’t sure you could hold them back for much longer.

Your grip on the restraint was tight, your knuckles clenched in desperate need of something to hold onto.

Whack

“E-eighteen.”

Again.

“N-nineteen.”

Again.

“T-twenty.”

You released a breath of relief. It hurt. It really fucking hurt, but you were keenly aware of how turned on you were, at the ache between your legs.

Harry rubbed his hands over your skin and you flinched. “S’okay,” he said. You whimpered and he kissed the small of your back.

He released your ankles from the restraints and then did the same with your wrists, but you didn’t move. Your heart was still racing, even as your body untensed. Your muscles felt sore from useless tugging at the restraints as you blinked the tears away.

Harry walked around the bed and sat down.

“Come,” Harry’s voice was low, demanding, as he sat on the edge of the bed with his hands gripping the end of the mattress.

Your body immediately tensed again.

When you didn’t move, he sighed, annoyed. “Fucking hell.” He twisted, gripped your hips and pulled you over his lap like a rag doll. If you weren’t so worried about what was coming next, you would’ve enjoyed his manhandling a little more. Not to say that you didn’t enjoy it at all.

He positioned you so that your ass was directly over his lap, where you could feel his erection dig into your hip through his dress pants. Your upper body hung off one side of his lap, and your legs hung off the other. He ran his hands over your skin and you began to squirm.

“When are you going to learn.” It wasn’t a question and so you kept your mouth shut. He shifted you so that you were folded over his left thigh. He lifted his right leg and placed it over your legs so you could kick them or wriggle off his lap. He swiped his tie from where he discarded it on the nightstand and expertly twisted it around your wrists before tying it to the nightstand’s leg. When he sat up, he laid an arm across your shoulders.

Once again, he had rendered you immobile. And once again, heat seared through you at the idea of it–the way it always did. You had been trying to hold on to your control, but this is what you liked. You liked being commanded, ordered around, at Harry’s will and mercy. You ached at the idea of relinquishing it all and letting him do whatever he wanted. Take you however he wanted. And you needed this, you thought. After all the stress and frustration, you needed to just let go.

You relaxed against him and his cock twitched against your leg. He ran his hand over your skin that still burned and a soft whimper escaped you.

“Talk to me.” a hint of softness seeped into his voice. “What’s going on with you lately? What’s this need to disrespect and disobey?”

“Nothing.”

You cried out when his hand landed harshly on what was starting to feel like bruising skin.

“Why are you still trying to lie to me?” He ground out.

You didn’t know. There was no reason to, but you were stubborn. You always had been.

When you didn’t say anything, he pushed a finger inside your dripping center. A long, low moan escaped your lips. He moved it in and out of you at an agonizing pace.

When he pulled his finger out, you squirmed in protest.

“Stop.” You stilled. “If you want more, you’ll talk.”

You took a deep breath. “I’m just stressed out.” You flinched slightly as he dragged his nails over your ass. “And frustrated.”

“With me?”

“No, sir.”

“With work?”

“Yes, sir.”

“I told you to quit.”

Immediately, you went rigid and you knew he could feel your back tense beneath him. He massaged his fingers into your muscles. “See, there. What happened just then?”

“Nothing.”

You cursed when his hand came down. Right after, his fingers moved to your clit and you moaned while trying to push yourself further into his hand, but he wouldn’t allow it.

“You want a reward, huh? Don’t know what makes you think you deserve it.”

“I’m sorry, sir.”

“If you’re sorry, you’ll talk. So talk.”

He took his fingers away and you whined. He was going to hold you there until you gave him what he wanted, until you let him have all your control.

“Stop being stubborn, sub.”

“I don’t like when you call me that.”

Another swat to your ass. And fuck it burned. Tears sprang to your eyes.

“I’ll stop once you learn your place. Once you’ve earned back my affection.”

Your heart sank and your cheeks heated in shame. After two deep breaths, your body relaxed.

“I feel like–I feel like I have no power at work.” His fingers traced up and down your slit. “I get ordered around all day; blamed and chastised for stuff that isn’t my fault. I spend my whole day feeling degraded and out of control.”

“When you’re used to being your own boss,” he said in understanding. He traced his fingers over the hood of your clit, refusing to make actual contact and you whined in anticipation. “Go on.” The timbre in his voice was back.

“And you telling me to just quit–” He squeezed your clit between his fingers as a warning to lose the attitude. You adjusted your tone. “I want to quit and I know I need to, but I can’t. And when you make it out to be so easy, it makes me mad.” He trailed his fingers through your folds, running them over your labia, spreading your arousal until every piece of you was wet. You gave a shuddering moan. “It felt so defeating–giving up all my control after a day of having it just taken from me.”

“It is easy. If you’d just let me take care of you.” The frustration in his voice was clear.

“I-I can’t.”

“You can, you’re just being stubborn.” He sighed, releasing some of the hardness from his voice. “Bottling up on all that stress and frustration hasn’t done you any good, has it?”

“No, sir.”

“I could’ve been helping you get rid of it, let it go.”

“But–”

He dipped his fingers into you. “You’ve got to let it go, love.” Your chest warmed at the pet name. “Just let me take care of you.”

You attempted, again, to push yourself into his hand when he brushed his knuckles over your clit.

“If you want to come, love, you’re gonna have to relinquish control. You’re gonna have to let me take care of you.”

You moaned in frustration as his fingers ghosted over you.

“Please.” He pinched you again. “Please, sir,” you corrected.

“Let me take care of you.” His voice was soft. “Will you let me take care of you?”

When you whimpered in agony, he shoved two fingers deep inside of you–and pulled them out just as quick. Your breathing had sped up and your nipples hardened as they brushed against the fabric of his pants.

“Will you let me?”

Fuck, you couldn’t take it anymore–and he wanted to, so why wouldn’t you let him?

“Yes, s-sir.”

“Ask me.”

Of course he was going to make you ask him.

He circled around your clit, but didn’t touch it. You felt yourself begin to pant with need.

The embarrassment began to encroach on your chest but you pushed past it. “Please.”

“Please, what?”

“Please, take care of me.”

A slap to your pussy sent you reeling.

“I think you’re forgetting something.”

“Please, take care of me, s-sir.”

“Since you asked nicely.” The smirk was evident in his voice.

He pushed two fingers into you, curling them in the way he knew you needed. A moan broke from deep in your chest and you tried to grip onto his thigh, but the tie held your hands firmly in place. As he fingered you deeply, he leaned forward and kissed the skin of your back.

“If I untie you, will you be good?”

His fingers still moved in and out of you, and with the sounds falling from your lips, all you could do was manage a nod. Your boyfriend chuckled. He held his fingers inside of you and bent over to tug at the knot to release you. Your wrists were slightly red from writhing against the fabric and the sight of them sent a shameful spark of excitement through you.

Easily, he lifted you up and placed you so you were sitting up, your back against his chest and your ass on his lap, rubbing against his erection. He stretched one arm across your chest and placed his hand on your breast, holding you against him, while the other opened your legs, lifting each one up and draping them over his open knees.

“You’re not going to try and close your legs, are you, love?”

“No, sir.” You placed your hands behind your thighs, onto his, working to hold yourself up. Your body was tired. Even if you wanted to close your legs, you weren’t sure you had the energy.

“That’s my good girl.” You melted at his approval. He dropped his head down and nipped and kissed along your neck and shoulder while the hand that wasn’t holding you to him landed between your legs.

He traced slow circles over your clit and your head dropped back against him. You were so ready, that it didn’t take much for the tightening in the pit of your stomach to start; as it did, your moans increased and your chest began to heave. His pace was agony. When you tried to increase the pressure by lifting yourself to his fingers, he held you back.

“Please…” you breathed. “...faster.”

“No.”

You groaned and he laughed softly against your skin.

The build up was almost painful and your ass stung fresh each time it rubbed against him, but soon you saw white and a loud cry escaped you as your hips bucked against him and your chest shuttered in his hand.

“Good girl,” he whispered, holding his pace as you came down. You were swollen and shaking, each stroke of his finger bringing through a new aftershock. “You’re not done, love.” He whispered.

Before you could question him, he lifted you and laid you on the bed on your back. When you went to sit up, you were met with a glare. You lowered yourself back down and waited, legs open, for him.

He tugged you to the edge so that your toes barely touched the floor and your ass hung off the edge. Harry leaned over you and for the first time all night, brushed his lips against yours. When you whimpered, he grabbed your jaw and deepened the kiss, forcing his tongue into your mouth, swirling it over yours. He was warm and still tasted like the wine the two of you drank with dinner. Your body reignited, your nipples rising to peaks and your clit throbbing for more. He rubbed his erection against your thigh and indulged in a moan.

When you tried to loop your arms around his neck, he grabbed them and held them against the mattress. “I don’t want to restrain you again, so don’t make me.” It was a warning–one that sent a jolt straight to your core.

Not looking for a response, he pushed himself up and went to the nightstand. He pulled out a vibrating dildo and kneeled down in front of your open pussy. He kissed the inside of your thighs, the spot between your thighs and your lips, and just over your clit. Each time his breath hit you, you shuddered.

The tip of the dildo touched your core and you shivered against the cold silicone. He dipped it into you slowly, allowing you a moment to register its size, before he pushed it into you entirely. It curved, scraping against the spot inside that sent your back arching off the bed. It was big–and thick. You felt yourself stretch around it, filling you entirely.

It clicked on and your muscles tightened around it. “Oh, my god.” You gripped at the comforter beneath you as your hips began to roll.

Harry squeezed the inside of your thigh and began moving it in and out of you again. Your breathing was ragged and you had to force yourself to keep your legs open, to keep your toes touching the floor.

“Does that feel good?”

“Ye–yes, s-sir.”

He kissed your clit before increasing the vibrations. You cried out as your hips bucked, your clit searching for any kind of friction. Harry hummed and you felt the slick of his tongue against you. You struggled to keep your hips down as pleasure rolled through you, hot and intense.

“Oh, my god.” Your hips began to buck–and suddenly you were empty. Cool air replaced Harry’s tongue. You whimpered and lifted your head. “Wha-”

“I don’t remember giving you permission to come, did I, love?” His voice was thick, his pupils blown out in desire.

“N-no. I’m sorry, sir.”

Without warning, the vibrator was inside you again, pushing against your walls, while Harry flicked his tongue quickly over your bud. Your grip on the comforter was deadly and your chest heaved as you attempted to stave off your orgasm.

It continued to build and moans slipped through your lips unallowed.

“Sir…” You groaned.

“Not yet.”

“Oh.”

“Don’t.”

A sweat broke out across your forehead and dampened your chest. You tried to focus on anything other than the way Harry’s tongue lapped at your clit and how well the dildo filled you. But it was hard. You could feel yourself losing control.

Harry nipped at your clit in warning, but you were so far gone it didn’t hurt, only added to your pleasure.

He was holding out, but you weren’t sure for what. He had already punished you–what more did he want?

Relief filled you when you realized: he wanted you to beg. He wanted you to give up control, to beg him to help you come undone.

“Sir, p-please.”

He ignored you.

“Please, can I come.”

He hummed against you.

“Please–fuck–please, can you help me come…”

He kissed your clit. “Go ahead, love.”

You relaxed and let your orgasm rip through your body. The pleasure was so good it was blinding. Your cries mixed with curses and you had the comforter balled so tightly in your fists you were surprised it didn’t tear.

After its peak, you had a moment of contentment before searing pleasure sent your skin on fire. He had upped the vibrations–and not just inside you, but against your clit. It seemed he had been hiding the vibrators rabbit attachment from you, saving it to send you over the edge one last time.

He rocked the dildo inside of you, hitting your g-spot while the points of the rabbit pressed against your already swollen clit. He reached his free hand up and pinched your already erect nipples, while kissing your hips and mound.

“That’s my girl,” he whispered against your skin. “Look at me.”

You opened your eyes and lifted your head. Teetering on the verge of coming undone for the third time, he lessened the vibrations and came to lay next to you on the bed. He propped himself up on his elbow and looked down at you.

He started moving the dildo inside you and bent down to give you a hard kiss.

“You need to let go. Stop fighting it.”

“I’m n–” Your argument died in your throat when you realized how tense your body was. You tried to relax, but it was too much. It would be too much. You were sore and swollen and so sensitive that a few tears had already slipped down your face.

He dipped down and rubbed his nose against your cheek. “Let me take care of you,” he whispered.

You looked at him and saw only tenderness and love. “Yes, sir.”

He changed the vibrator’s setting once more and you cried out.

“Keep your legs open,” he commanded while you writhed against the bed and he watched you.

He licked at your now tender nipples.

Too much. Too much. Too much.

You wanted to please him–and you wanted the release.

You breathed through the unbearable pleasure and the second your body relaxed, an orgasm unlike any other tore through your body. You let out a scream as Harry rocked the dildo against your g-spot and continued his assault on your nipples with his tongue.

Your cries grew hoarse as he forced you to ride out the entirety of your orgasm with the vibrations set to high and your body shook with the aftershocks as your muscles tightened around the toy still inside you.

He pulled it out and kissed you softly, as your body continued to shake with the aftermath. He wiped tears from your cheeks that you hadn’t even realized had fallen and pulled you tightly into his chest. Your breathing was ragged as he ran his hands over your back. When he brushed his hands over your ass you flinched.

“That might hurt for a bit,” he whispered. You cuddled closer and he kissed the top of your head.

When he started to move, you whimpered. He sat up and pulled you with him. You groaned in protest and scratched down your back. “Just moving us under the blanket, love.”

As he settled against the pillows with you between his legs and your head on his chest, the relief pooled in your chest. The stress was gone, as well as the frustration.

Then, just as quickly, an emptiness moved in–an embarrassment at the fact that you had been punished. This always happened afterwards and you hated it every time.

When he heard you sniffle, he tilted up your chin to look at him.

“Oh, poor baby.” He said when he saw the tears in your eyes. He hugged you tighter and you burrowed into him, though it was impossible for you to get any closer. “I’m sorry I had to do that. I know you’re not a fan of the paddle.” He rubbed his hand up and down your arm.

“It’s okay. I mean, honestly, I probably should’ve been punished weeks ago.”

Harry’s chest rumbled with a soft laugh. “That’s exactly right.”

“I’m sorry, sir. For being mean.”

“It’s not about meanness. It’s about disrespect, love–disobedience. You know how this works.”

“I know–”

He pinched her side. “Don’t interrupt. It’s unnecessary, so it’s willful. All I ever ask is that you talk to me.”

You looked up at him, asking for permission. He smiled and your heart swelled.

“Go ahead.”

“I’m sorry for being disrespectful,”

“S’okay. I think you’ve learned your lesson” Desire flashed in his eyes and suddenly you were reminded of his still very hard cock pressed against your back.

“Oh–do you want–”

He smiled and shook his head before guiding your head back to his chest. “Not tonight. Sweet of you to think of me.”

Your body relaxed further into him. “My butt hurts.”

You felt his lips against your hair. “Proud of you for taking it so well. You did a good job, love.”

Warmth filled you, knowing you had pleased him. “Thank you, sir.”

The comforter shifted off your shoulder and you shivered.

“How about a warm bath–for the two of us? How does that sound?”

You hummed your approval.

He nuzzled your cheek with his nose. “You know I love you, right?”

“Yes, sir.”

#harry styles #harry styles smut #harry styles fic #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles fanfic #harry styles story #harry styles writing #harry fic #hs fic #harry styles x reader #harry styles x you #harry styles x oc #harry styles dirty fanfiction #harry styles x fem!reader #harry styles au #harry styles fic rec

541 notes · View notes

aclowntiny · 5 months

Note

Hiiii!!! First I wanna say how much I really like your work! Also, I stumbled upon our Seventeen and Enhypen as Hogwarts students, but saw you didn’t have it for Stray Kids 😭 I know they’ve mentioned in 2019 what house they think they are, but you seem to have a much better understanding of the houses and I’m very curious to see what you would think their houses would be.

I was wondering if I could request a similar sort of headcannon for them 🥹 Thank you!

Heck yeah! Can't believe I didn't do this sooner tbh but I love this so here we are 😌 I agree, not necessarily that I'm the best at the job, lol, but that people just go for very generic ideas of the houses (Gryffindor is cool, Slytherin is evil, Hufflepuff is nice/silly, Ravenclaw is smart) rather than the true reflection of where they'd be hehe! Like Ravenclaw is actually also known for being artistic and eccentric, Slytherin for strong determination, Hufflepuff for acceptance and breaking tradition, Gryffindor for being the other self-sacrificing house. So sometimes people just say "I'm a Gryffindor because I'm a good guy!!!" anyway rant over here's the actual content we want🤣

🏰 Stray Kids as Hogwarts Students🔮

Bang Chan

☆ Some kids got sorted instantly, but with one Christopher Bang the Hat took longer. Muttered to itself a lot as it waffled between his qualities, dubbing him hardworking and courageous and ambitious and loving. He couldn't help but flush under the hat's words, almost not hearing when its voice finally bellowed "Gryffindor!”

☆ Being Pure-Blood was only ever a phrase on a family tree for Chris. Who one’s ancestors were, what they looked like, or how much money they had said nothing for their value- only their choices and character did that.

☆ It’s only a formal class for one year, but he adores Flying. The feeling of freedom and getting to have some time outside is heaven for him. Defense Against the Dark Arts is another favorite for the similar reason of being able to get active and challenge himself, even literally facing his fears.

☆ Astronomy is very cool to him, but he finds having to fill in the same charts week after week a bit repetitive and not the best use of his time, frankly.

☆ Gryffindor’s Quidditch captain! He plays Keeper, working with great patience and synergy with the rest of the team to keep the goals clear.

☆ Blessed is the only word Chris can think of when he realizes how many happy memories he can pull from- not everyone can say that. As the word comes to mind, his wand lights up, producing a shining silver wolf standing majestically, protectively, before him.

Lee Know

☆ "You're an interesting one," came the Hat's comment upon touching Minho's head, "you've certainly got your priorities...whatever those are. A unique mind for sure. Better be Ravenclaw!" Some of Minho's friends had teased him as a Slytherin, so he was a bit surprised. Not that he would let his house define him entirely.

☆ He hates the reputation and unnecessary pressure that comes with being a Pure-Blood. It’s stupid and not worth debating in Minho’s mind. The only benefit is just the resources and opportunities he might get, and it’s tempting to turn those down on principle. Money and status don’t matter to him at all and there’s a part of him that wants to ‘sully the bloodline’ just for the hell of it! Luckily his parents don’t care either.

☆ Potions whiz. One of the few who actually get it and enjoy the calm, precise art and its beautiful results and wants to go N.E.W.T. with it. He’s also great at Care of Magical Creatures, naturally focused on the well-being of animals and other living things over his own excitement or whims.

☆ Having a fear of heights, Flying is not it for him. No thanks. He passes, but barely, and in his mind it’s not a skill he plans to use.

☆ Naturally, Minho opts out of Quidditch signups, but instead joins the Gobstones club because he thinks spraying the losers with stone juice is funny. Also gets invited to the Slug Club for his Potions skills and influence.

☆ No one is surprised when Minho closes his eyes, focuses, and boom! Produces a little glowing cat bursting from his wand with a few swipes of its paw to groom its nonexistent striped fur.

Changbin

☆ "Quite a softie underneath it all, eh?" Beneath the weight of the tattered Hat, Changbin strikes a bit of a pose. "Got a lot of ambition, but you've also got a lot of...that. Hmmm..." The Hat muses for a few more moments. "At the end of the day, this one’s a Slytherin!” Pride flows through Changbin’s veins- he doesn’t care for the reputation of producing dark wizards, the potential snobbery. All he cares about is showing his ambition to be the best if he puts his mind to it.

☆ He’s a Half-Blood, but both of his parents are wizards so his familiarity is much more with the Wizarding World. He wants to understand Muggles better to connect with them, too, as well as Muggleborns.

☆ Taking Muggle Studies helps with this and learning about another culture is quite fascinating to him- technology especially is amazing, like that’s what people do instead of magic? Wires of captured lightning? Sounds pretty magical to Changbin. He gets into tinkering with technology because of this. Another class he enjoys is Defense Against the Dark Arts. Changbin loves feeling ready to protect himself and others, so that’s the class he spends the most time practicing and taking notes in. He always thinks of his friends and his sister as he does so.

☆ History of Magic is boring, though, Changbin wants to cast some spells! At the end of the day, where certain spells come from don’t matter to him as long as he can use them. However, the idea of showing up in a ‘great wizards’ history highlight one day is appealing to him…

☆ His strength comes in handy serving as one of Slytherin’s two Beaters. The other teams are lowkey afraid of the Bludgers Changbin sends their way because they know how hard he hits!

☆ Bets are flying on what his Patronus animal would be, a pig or a rabbit. Pig is the most popular choice, mostly in jest, but shushing them all Changbin focuses all the great joy he’s expressing…and out leaps a rabbit! Not just any rabbit, though, but the massive, fluffy form of a Flemish giant rabbit that has everyone laughing and Changbin grinning, reaching out to it.

Hyunjin

☆ Nearly the second the Sorting Hat rests atop his head, it's shouting 'Ravenclaw!' Hyunjin himself can't be surprised, really, not when he's heard talk of the great artists in that house. In fact, pride glows in his chest as he joins his table that the Hat could see that in him.

☆ The Hwangs are an old wizarding family. Hyunjin has a lot of opportunities because of this, but fights against the idea that he could be any better than anyone else because of a name. Rather, he is often seen lifting up Muggleborn classmates and highlighting struggled of other magical people.

☆ Ancient Runes comes naturally to Hyunjin, something about his eye for detail, symbols, and decoding. Language is an area of interest for him so that class is like a beautiful puzzle. Astronomy grants Hyunjin so much art inspiration as well as time to relax and appreciate the gifts of nature and their inherent magic.

☆ There's no one class he hates, but like a lot of students Hyunjin has a harder time focusing on all the information getting dumped on him in History of Magic.

☆ Hyunjin’s extracurriculars include the Muggle Art club where he hones his painting skills and the Ravenclaw Quidditch team, where he plays as the team’s Seeker.

☆ Expectations fly as everyone wonders what the next Hwang’s Patronus will be. Will he get a stag, the majestic animal associated with famous wizards? An eagle, symbolizing his house? Not at all, in fact what Hyunjin summons is a beautiful, delicate silver dove that lights upon his shoulder.

Han

☆ “Don’t be so shy, kid, you’ve got heart.” “Really? Thanks bro.” “Yes, that’s what I’m talking about,” the Hat chuckles, “this one’s a Hufflepuff!” Jisung’s eyes go wide. He wasn’t expecting to get Hufflepuff, but if the hat says so, well, who is he to fight it? It’s nice getting the kindest house, too- maybe he’ll make a lot of friends.

☆ As a Half-Blood, the heavy weight of prejudice never really fell on Jisung. Half-Bloods tended to fall between the cracks as having already been sullied, just middle ground. As he witnesses bullying more and more, though, his passion grows to somehow help others and remind people that nobody can help who their ancestors married.

☆ Charms are quick, snappy, spur-of-the-moment but effective in a pinch, and Jisung likes that. It's fun and he can cast charms as quickly as he cracks a joke or comeback! Ancient Runes brings him a lot of inspiration from history and other languages that he loves to bring to his songwriting.

☆ Flying, thank goodness, isn't enforced every year! It scares him, frankly, and he'd much rather stay on the ground where he belongs.

☆ Because flying isn’t his favorite, no way in hell is he doing it with giant leather and metal things trying to smash him. Nope. However he’ll happily watch and commentate, hence him taking the mic and giving very entertaining descriptions of everything that happens. He’s also in the Frog Choir, always trying to get them to perform one of his compositions.

☆ Jokes around that he’s going to get a massive Patronus animal like a bear or a lion, but once he sees the embodiment of his joy skipping from his wand as a little quokka, he can’t even be embarrassed, just smile!

Felix

☆ "Well, you're just a delight, aren't you?" Felix couldn't tell if the Hat was being sarcastic, but still he chose to respond in kind. "I try!" At that, the Sorting Hat chuckled. "Yes, this one's a Hufflepuff for sure!" His sister had told him as much, but Felix couldn't complain- he liked the idea of being a Hufflepuff!

☆ Felix is a Muggleborn, so he takes in every step of starting school with wonder…though it is a bit overwhelming feeling like everyone’s speaking another language sometimes. But then again, magic candy! Brewing potions!

☆ Absolute wonder at Care of Magical Creatures and Herbology. Felix is so gentle and good with every living thing, they practically request he be the one to handle them and that makes his heart burst with joy and honor! He also loves Potions, thinking the idea is so classic and cool, plus despite what most students say it’s kind of relaxing to him.

☆ Transfiguration dropped lower on his list when they started using living subjects. Sure, the idea that anyone and anything can grow and change and exist in many forms is really inspiring, but those poor mice and birds!

☆ Slug Club inductee part two! Even though he’s a Muggleborn with no direct influence, Felix is such a good student and avid potioneer that he’s a shoo-in. He also plays Quidditch as Hufflepuff’s Seeker.

☆ Felix isn’t sure what animal he’ll get, but he certainly isn’t expecting multiple! The entire class is shocked when a whole brood of chicks tumbles forth from his wand, eliciting shock and charmed coos alike.

Seungmin

☆ "This one's a bit of a surprise now," the Hat commented upon being set atop Seungmin's head. Seungmin couldn't help wondering what that meant and if it was bad, how to prove the Hat wrong. "No, lad, all you just did was prove my point. Looks can be deceiving, after all. Slytherin!" He wasn't sure what he expected, but that might not have been it. Sort of made sense, though- he could have fun with that!

☆ He can’t help wondering if the Hat chose as it did because he’s a Pure-Blood, taking Salazar’s old favors into account. Then again, he did just throw a cheating Gryffindor under the bus in class…

☆ Thinking logically is no trouble for Seungmin, so Arithmancy isn’t a bad choice for him. Connecting relationships between numbers and their power just makes sense to him- eight is his lucky number, after all. He also frequents the Potions dungeon, but that’s mostly just to brew the photo solution that grants his personal art projects motion!

☆ Defense Against the Dark Arts is a fun and active class, but it's boisterous and people take the duels too far sometimes.

☆ Frankly, he didn’t have time to join the Quidditch team due to his other extracurriculars, being an avid Frog Choir singer and the Hogwarts paper’s photographer.

☆ Everyone is sure the student everyone sees as a puppy will get a dog for his Patronus. Imagine their surprise when he casts a tanuki! Cute and cunning, no one can deny it matches him perfectly in the end.

I.N

☆ He forgot the Hat could read his thoughts. “So you want a house where you can show your talents and look out for people, huh?” Flushing, Jeongin just nods with a faint, bashful smile. “Well, better be Gryffindor, then!” He’s surprised, thinking maybe he’d have gotten Ravenclaw or Hufflepuff- he isn’t particularly brave, is he? “Trust me, kid, you’ll find your way,” the Hat promises, and do its eyelike folds wink?

☆ As a Half-Blood, he has knowledge of the Wizarding World, but also life outside of magic. Having one Muggle parent means one person getting yanked into the world of wonder, after all! Jeongin is proud to understand both sides of his world and guide his friends on how Muggles really live.

☆ Details don’t escape Jeongin, so he loves drawing star charts for Astronomy. Transfiguration is another favorite of his for similar reasons: he enjoys the focus, the idea that he can reshape objects into something greater or something new. It feels symbolic, poetic.

☆ Potions stresses him out because it's so easy to burn things or measure wrong; even if little details usually fascinate him, he can be a bit clumsy with the required finesse.

☆ Joins the wizard chess club, art club, and plays Quidditch- what can’t our baby bread do? Jeongin becomes Gryffindor’s Seeker, one especially known for turning the tides of the game for his team completely!

☆ He can barely contain his excitement that day in Defense Against the Dark Arts when it comes time to cast Patronus charms! He wonders if his animal will look like him and he certainly gets his wish when a charming little desert fox pops forth.

#stray kids #stray kids imagines #stray kids reactions #stray kids x reader #stray kids scenarios #bang chan #lee know #changbin #hyunjin #han #felix #seungmin #i.n #hogwarts au #stray kids hogwarts au #ask #anon #requested

70 notes · View notes

a-dragons-journal · 5 months

Text

I really hate writing posts like this on mobile, but I’m not going to get the chance to write it on desktop for almost a week, so I’m writing this in Google Docs and copying it over and I apologize for any missed formatting errors.

I’m having a real weird time with Frontiers - not bad, necessarily, but weird - and I want to document it to some extent, so here we are. Pretty major game spoilers ahead. Also a quick warning that I am going to get a little mean about trophy hunting; I am aware that on Earth this is a somewhat more nuanced issue (and I really don’t want to get into it tbh), but I am letting myself get emotional here because that’s frankly just not true on Pandora because the situation is different.

This game is giving me a really weird experience, because it’s like… the story is meh until it is not. I’m mostly having a normal time, until I very abruptly am not.

The first round was during the Zeswa clan storyline, when you get into the Lodge. For those who haven’t played or haven’t gotten this far yet, while exploring the Upper Plains and talking with the Zeswa, you learn that the RDA has been poaching animals, hunting and trapping them en masse to ship them or their body parts back to Earth to sell for big bucks, because the people back on Earth will pay massive amounts of money to be able to show off anything Pandoran - often taking whole carcasses, but sometimes just stripping the pieces they can sell and leave the rest to rot. There’s a log from an interrogation wherein they captured a Zeswa and tortured them to try and get them to reveal the location of the graveyard of the zakru, the enormous animals the Zeswa live in symbiosis with, so they can steal the bones and tusks. And when you get into the Lodge, the center of Harding’s poaching operation, there are stuffed animals and animal parts on display as trophies.

I cannot express properly the rage that filled my chest and my throat when I saw that. The outlying camps, with their slaughtered fa’li and aywinzaw in piles, were bad enough. But the Lodge itself, the heads and bodies and bones put on display, animals that were not killed for food or population culls but simply because they could - my throat fills with fire even thinking back on it now. This is not Eywa’s way. This is deeply, deeply wrong.

All right. That’s fine. That’s fine. I can be normal about this. This is a deeper anger than I have gotten out of most media, but it’s fine.

And then there was the second round, during the Kame’tire clan storyline. And let me just say, hoo boy the story very suddenly picks up during the Kame’tire section. There is a segment where you find the place where you and other Sarentu children were held and processed before you were taken to the school the game initially picks up in, where you see what was left behind - cages and shackles the Sarentu were held in, Sarentu toys and clothes and ornaments that were stripped from the children, disinfectant and stark communal showers that were used to strip even their clan’s scent from them. The place is abandoned and empty and hollow, and I… I had to actually take a step back and take a break from it for a minute partway through because I was getting overwhelmed and starting to want to cry, even despite being on call with friends and having them chattering about something unrelated and cheerful in my ear. I felt trapped and frightened and horrified and haunted by memories. And I - look. I am a person that feels a lot with regards to fictional media. I have often said that my emotions are too big for my little body, and fiction is my safe place to feel at 100% capacity where it doesn’t actually have consequences. I am familiar with the emotional impacts fiction can have on me, and they can be big.

I had to actually stop and take a step back and walk away for a couple of minutes and get a snack and engage in an unrelated conversation for a bit to remind myself this was fiction and wasn’t actually happening. I have never had to do that.

And when I escaped that horrible, horrible place and escaped the yavä’ - I came across a Na’vi camp almost immediately and it was horribly jarring, seeing all these people just… living their lives. Talking amongst themselves. Sitting by the fire, sharing food and stories and music. I had to walk back out of the camp and call my ikran just to stroke her head and, in my head at least, hug her and comfort myself for a bit before I could go back in.

And then, after a bit to recover - normal game experience again. Normal level of investment. Normal level of emotional impact.

So… I still don’t think I am Sarentu (or Na’vi of any kind), although the specificity of what hit me that hard makes me pause to wonder for a moment, but hoo boy my alterhumanity related to this world is definitely impacting my emotional experience of this game periodically and it is a wild ride. I am not Na’vi, but being of Eywa, I can live in a Na’vi’s footprints completely enough, at least temporarily, to Know what it is to live this life and walk this path.

That’s the odd thing, about having a hearthome which is so integrally connected that the interconnection is part of the hearthome feelings - I am not Na’vi, but also I know what it is to be Na’vi. I am not ikran, but also I know what it is to be ikran. I am not - you get the idea. I am not, but also I kind of am.

It’s… interesting. And hoo boy it’s a lot in this case. I’ll be fine, but man.

#rani talks #hearthome #frontiers of pandora spoilers #journaling

23 notes · View notes

her-midas-touch · 5 months

Text

I just really hate milkvan reasoning that byler shouldn’t be endgame because that would leave el hopeless and heartbroken.

I mean, even if you don’t see the possibility of byler, it’s still pretty apparent why milkvan endgame would in itself be poor writing.

From s1, it’s obvious el has a lot of trauma, seeing as she grew up in the lab as a kid, goes through all that shit with brenner and the whole henry/vecna/001 thing is so traumatizing for her that she didn’t even remember time much later.

And throughout, she is quite out of touch with basic vocabulary concepts and differentiating between the concepts of actually liking/being attracted to someone vs valuing the idea of a romantic relationship and reaching for the other person to have a sense of that safety.

Her s2 arc is also important in terms of her trying to find her place, getting to know her roots and working on her powers. And as significant as it is for her growth, it’s important to note mike isn’t central to it. El’s arc is very separate from the route they’re taking with milkvan’s relationship. El’s development seems to take place when she’s apart from mike.

By s3, it’s pretty clear from what el tells max that she doesn’t actually know what she likes yet. She’s still figuring herself out as a person and exploring her likes and dislikes. And the thing is, she’s already in a relationship without a proper idea of her preferences yet. She still needs to “try things on” until she finds something that feels like her, something that max specifies, isn’t “mike or hopper” but rather her.

And yeah, this is just a fun little bonding for the mall scene but it is quite indicative of the fact that el is still finding herself out. She even admits to max she doesn’t even know if he’s a good kisser because mike is her first boyfriend. She hasn’t had experience with any of it. And that’s part of the problem. She’s already in a relationship with mike without even a clear, basic sense of self. She doesn’t even know if she likes mike yet, rather than just the idea of him and the security that she associates with him.

But anyway, her friendship with max in s3 is so important to her development as a character because she’s with a girl her age finally beginning to realize that romantic relationships aren’t everything. And sure the milkvan break-up is sort of played off as a joke, but it’s also el kind of exploring her new found freedom and knowledge, experiencing being a regular kid.

Max opens her up to the idea of knowing her self worth. And I do feel like this is important because of the almost overwhelming presence of male authority imposed on her and controlling a lot of her childhood (and it was pretty unhealthy esp with brenner and henry).

But it’s the s4 conflict where her insecurities really come to light. And the thing is milkvan doesn’t get better. In fact el feels like she isn’t loved, not the way she wants to be (yeah ik we take interviews with a grain of salt but I keep thinking about the way the actors specified "want") and it’s like the whole idea she had of their relationship crumbles.

And I can’t shake mike’s attire in the airport scene and how will’s sadness was emphasized/focused on in rink-o-mania. And it just feels like both mike and el are trying desperately to keep up normal appearances. That’s also solidified with El’s little disappointed glance to seeing from mike on the flowers, though she keeps lying throughout.

She feels a need to do that. Maybe by showing him how great she’s adjusting, maybe as a way to show she has things handled and prove herself to be “normal” especially since it’s something she’s struggling with in s4. It could also be linked with mike’s omission of “i love yous” in the letters which may have contributed to fueling that insecurity.

And when mike tells her that she’s a superhero it doesn’t help her feel better and it isn’t what she wants or needs to hear. This is literally her face after hearing it. She’s disappointed and if anything, more insecure about it.

And seeing that the note she leaves mike is signed from el, she is deliberately making a point of it. The whole thing is pretty break-up coded. She’s come to some sort of realization about their relationship.

El does care for mike, but since they don’t really have a solid foundation for attraction (especially since s2 mike makes his view on the love at first sight thing pretty clear with max) and el doesn’t have experience with it either, nor does she share a different bond with mike through their interests, ability to understand each other or in any way that indicates they understand each other for their own person.

And actually, mike is CONSTANTLY putting her on a pedestal. The s3 scene where he thinks everyone is using el for her powers and demanding too much of her? It pretty much contradicts itself since mike himself was the one who saw el as a hope, a means to find will in s1. And he’s amazed by her.

He canonically thinks he doesn’t deserve her and it makes me think of that scene with dustin at the beginning where mike makes some sort of comment about el saving the world and dustin says something about how mike is still failing spanish or something.

And I think it also kind of falls in line with mike’s own insecurities and possibly feelings of inferiority with el. He compares her to literal superman. And the thing is, they could’ve really went somewhere with this if they wanted. It could’ve been a conflict that, if it had been resolved well, could strengthen milkvan.

Though another thing is with everything mike has said about el in this context, it just further contradicts the monologue because a big part of what mike sees el for IS her powers. Does he care for her? Of course. But mike doesn’t understand el’s struggles with power and who she is without it and though she fascinates him nothing really goes to indicate that he understands her. Just as not much goes to indicate that she understands him.

And the fact that there have been so many outside factors influencing their relationship (ESPECIALLY lucas and will too in s4) and helping them through those problems rather then them facing the conflict themselves with each other is a pretty big indicator that milkvan just does not work on that level. El didn’t tell mike about being bullied because she feels alienated to the extent that she feels her boyfriend wouldn’t understand her and mike doesn’t tell el about his true feelings or insecurities ; he deflects instead, and blames others ("you can’t let these mouth-breathers ruin you. ruin us").

And instead he confides in his relationship insecurities to will. Which, honestly, if there was hope for milkvan, he and el would’ve atleast had a conversation where mike’s own feelings and insecurities were taken into account. And instead it’s will who tells him what he wants and needs to hear. Will reassures him of his place in the party. His importance. Why he is needed.

So yeah. El might be upset, yes, but I think it’s already been leading up to a break-up and nothing indicates that el has something to lose in terms of her long time happiness or independence from not dating mike. Will on the other hand, loves mike, as a person and as his best friend from when they were children. Mike who’s soft on will, mike who was constantly there for him when he was going through all sorts of shit and being possessed by the mindflayer. Mike who said that being friends with will is "the best thing" he’s ever done.

And not letting them have this when the foundation, dynamics, relationship is right there is just a very tragic storyline. So will suffers through hell, gets possessed, loses a part of his childhood just to never get it back because all his friends have moved past it and are more interested in girls, and so dnd, which has been a reminder of all their good, happy times before the upside down is just reduced to a childish fancy and on top of that he’s in love with his BEST FRIEND and not only used the painting he made for mike in the first place to further his relationship with his girlfriend, but also hurt himself in the process by "ripping the bandaid"

#byler #byler analysis #your main het couple having so many issues that it causes the audience to raise their eyebrows yeah no that really says something #and people actually blaming milkvan on poor writing and it very much could be unless…hmmm….byler endgame #and the fact that they’re both getting to the breakup stage it’s pretty mutual by s4…..the only thing kinda keeping it together is the pain #and the success of the monologue hasn’t been addressed so lets not forget will basically carrying their relationship in s4 lmao #mike’s monologue being prompted by “you’re the heart”#and him being under the impression that el said those things about him and feels all that about him #does she even like dnd???#why do they hardly ever work through their relationship issues on their own #I’m just hoping for a mutual split or mike breaking it off #will is no second option thank you very much #will byers #I know what you are mike wheeler

38 notes · View notes

ssaalexblake · 1 year

Note

I’d be interested in hearing your thoughts on the Ghost Monument. I know some people feel the stakes aren’t high enough, and that maybe if the racers were pitted against each other more it could be a more ‘interesting’ episode I guess, but I find the dynamics of the 2 guest cast to be interesting because they aren’t enemies, they’re not friends either but there’s not a desire to kill each other, because they are their out of necessity and to me that’s more then just being there out of ego or a prize. That surrounded by the history of the Stenza on the planet, it’s fascinating and one where I don’t think I’m fully across yet, so would be interested in hearing your thoughts.

Honestly, I was mostly just shocked that people thought this episode was bad? It wouldn't make my favourites list but there's literally nothing wrong with it either in plot or the execution of it imo. I enjoy it in a rewatch! It builds important dynamics and sets up important arcs. The foundation for the main characters are more firmly set.

Also, like, whatever peoples feelings on the stakes in this episode, it should be noted that The Ghost Monument as an episode has a dark twin. Its name is Ascension of the Cybermen. Narratively they function as a pair and the second one is supposed to be a lot darker with more stakes that shows the development of the characters, so you can't really do that if the first one is absolutely Go Go Go GO high stakes all the whole way through? The tonal difference belays the seriousness of the second episode. The contrast shows to demonstrate both how far the fam have come in AotC and how far 13 has fallen from TGM.

Not to say the sitch they're in in TGM isn't serious, it is, but this is not super stressful to the doctor, she's not, till the very end, scared she can't return them home or that they'll die (well. anymore than the doctor apparently normally is. The monologue in Once, Upon Time was fabulous but very sad). The fam are mostly just following 13's lead to get through this all figuring it's their best chance. In the second episode, they show their own initiative. In effect TGM is their training wheel episode that allows them to survive when the stakes get high.

The links between 11x01 & 2 and 12x09 & 10 give me Life. Such brilliant arching plot threads. Great bookends to Ryan and Graham's time on the show.

And really? This is a personal opinion, but disaster apocalyptic scenarios (which this is applicable to even if our group aren't natives of the place) where everybody lives in hell but just fight and try and kill each other as well as the environment trying to off them are just Bad. And belays an absolutely twisted view of us as a species. I feel like them all banding together when it gets tough and forming a community, if a very terse one where not everybody gets along, is actually an accurate portrayal of people in general. Even whatshisface Enzo or whatever joined the group he hated for safety because he was a lousy person, yeah, but he was Not stupid. I cannot stand grimdark crap like those zombie shows where people just kill each other en masse in their warring factions or whatever like the whole of human history isn't us forming societies and working together.

But speaking of whatever his name is, I feel like his contributions to the dialogue of the episode played an important part in delivering the themes they were going for, so making them fight instead would just have damaged the episode's core aims.

Mr 'I love my mum she taught me people are awful and selfish and horrible by breaking my trust and allowing me to get badly injured' is, congrats, the first person in this era to talk about his terrible mother whom 13 Immediately says sucks (gee i wonder why they did that. he even got hurt because he fell and his mum didn't save him). This is also the first time the cycle of abuse is mentioned because uh, the loser in the mother of the year competition did it specifically so it'd perpetuate itself in her son. This is the episode the timeless child is first mentioned. Considering the cornerstone of the arc is that this child in the end Broke that chain of abuse I do not consider this a coincidence. I'd bet him and his mother would think that Tecteun made that child Strong by what they did to them. 13 did Not like this man and she wouldn't, he's a dark mirror but also the victim of a really shitty mother.

There are other things i take note of in this episode. It's the first time out of post regeneration weirdness we see 13 really hit her stride. It's the first time we see her eschew pacifism as Her Thing despite the fact that she's already demonstrated her willingness to use violence with a few bombs the ep previous. Contextual morality. Reoccurring theme. It Wasn't a good idea to use violence in the situation she was in in TGM. Still doesn't make her a pacifist though bc lol, the bomb thing. So it's Kind of the first blatant portrayal of 13's private actions contrasting ones witnessed by the fam which are used to make her look better in their eyes. This will continue all season.

The stenza are now explicitly portrayed as violent colonizers as opposed to weird guys with the universe's most messed up election system. The lady is going through a race from hell is here to buy her loved ones out of the hell of their society. It's the first time the theme Properly pops up in the era. The first of many times. 13 continues to be a support to Ryan here, deepening their relationship. She's dad-ing him. She's not mad, she's disappointed! (she's also mad). She's also supportive of him.

I also think that 13 totally running out of ideas and thinking they're all gonna die at the end when the others disappear and the tardis does Not appear sets up something interesting. The fam, the ones who have been sceptical about her ability to save them this ep but still figure her as their best chance Immediately bolster her confidence and try and prop her up. They continue with the 'you've got this doc, we have faith in you!!' for a while after that, i assume they think she needs the morale boost? But I think it just leaves her with this terrifying pressure in the end?

She tries to let them know later on that this travelling is Dangerous and that they could get hurt but i think they have kind of started to buy into their own hype about her by then and aren't as worried as they should be. They think tim shaw is the worst of the worst the whole of s11 and 13 doesn't barely deign to acknowledge him bc he's so beneath her. So by the time the real bad guys pop out of the woodwork that Actually scare her the fam are overconfident in her ability to save them, which in turn eventually leaves them in the AOTC situation where they have to save themselves because she Cannot save them herself. She gave them an out before then and they didn't take it because they were not worried. I think the journey to that overconfidence starts right here.

I guess if i had to gripe it'd be that the scene where the two racers decide to take the prize together was Way too easy and more of a footnote in the story? There wasn't really another way this was going to end, but still. That seemed a little weakly done to me. I'd like a little bit more time devoted to it because it's not like i can't think of a few different scenarios to get here, it's just they'd have taken more screen time. In the end, I think that the episode had more important plot threads to go into so they just rushed it a bit. Maybe that's where people wanted more conflict? I don't want more conflict as much as a deeper discussion. They Didn't have a gripe with each other beyond that they were competing against each other and wanted to win and it didn't seem to occur to them that they could just share. But also, i've not watched this for a while. Maybe i'm misremembering, but i remember it feeling short to me.

idk, in the end it reminds me, weirdly, of Jurassic park where they're working their way across the park to the guest centre when all the dinos are escaped. Yes they're in danger and at times it's severe, but they have time to talk and bond and work together using their own skills as a group. The stakes Are high, there be monsters out to kill them and they want to go home, but it's also not 100% dire at all times. It hits the same mood for me.

This episode wasn't grim but it wasn't trying to be either so i guess if you Like grim it'd be a disappointment, but it did what it wanted to pretty well with setting stuff up and having a reasonable compelling episode plot.

Also... It's Super pretty. The bright sun. Glorious.

#13stardisposts #dw shit #dw meta #kind of #i mostly just talked #i like this ep and i'm mostly just surprised people object to it so much???

56 notes · View notes

blackgwenstacy · 11 months

Note

i do feel like (might be biased because i ADORED the first one) this feels like a deliberate compromise on the part of the writers. you have this story which is rich with diversity and a plot about rejecting the conviction that suffering is necessary. both of these things are alienating to the hates-snowflakes/hates-diversity crowd. and you also have hobie, who reads alternately as a caricature of a punk who breaks stuff for no reason if you’re ignorant of leftist politics, or as an objectively correct dissenter waiting/working for alliances to dismantle yet another corrupt system. making the movie more pro-cop feels like looking at the source material, which is unavoidably full of cops, and leaning in to the hero worship as an intentional counterbalance to the majority-alienating remainder of the narrative. it feels the same as the sam wilson captain america show compromising on its politics to elevate the status quo, but at the very least in spiderverse the police are symbols of an ideal and policing itself is not a component of the plot. essentially it feels like they wanted to dodge the anti-wokeist backlash by putting in something for the racists at home.

i don’t know that this absolves the movie of responsibility for the falseness of its portrayal. i do think that we aren’t getting superhero movies that don’t play both sides anytime soon. i also think spiderverse threaded this needle better than marvel has lately by keeping policing away from the actual core themes of the movie. i also also think it was probably a necessary compromise to keep the movie drama-free with the boycott crowd. the situation sucks all around.

this is all very well put. i do think the film caters to both “sides” better than other superhero films have managed to pull off, which is kind of sinister if you think about it too hard 😒. then, of course, you have the whole theme of “escaping the narrative”, which could be a set up for them to do something different in beyond the spiderverse in regards to superheroes and policing. i don’t wanna reach too hard, but we’ve concluded from the interactions w gwen + her dad and miles + the spider-society that policing in general = bad. the ending on earth-42 leaves room for doubt, but there is another film for a reason

#atsv spoilers #asks #maybe while the writers are on strike they’ll gain some sense. bc i know that script for btsv isn’t written 😒#long post

22 notes · View notes

xxrainshadowsxx · 6 months

Text

Interpersonal Chapter 19

This wasn't my original plan for this chapter, but once again Onceler decided to take a few left turns. But the important thing is still here. He gets to meet his kid.

TW: Onceler is a sad boy, and there's a tiny bit of suicidal ideation from him if you squint.

For a few minutes the only sounds in the car are the thrum of the tires on the road and a Queen CD playing in the background. Once again, he’s the one to break the almost unbearable silence.

“So, tell me about Jack. What’s he like?” he asks eagerly, clearly desperate for more information about the son you shared with him.

“That’s a big topic,” you say, though you can’t help but smile. “I can give you a broad overview, but it’ll be better when you actually start spending time with him.” You take a couple of turns as you mull over what words you want. “As I’ve said, he’s a lot like you,” you start. “Not identical though. Jack’s a lot… quieter.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“I mean that even though a lot of it was just a show, you’ve always been able to put on a lot of bravado,” you state bluntly. “Just the ability to put on a show is a skill in and of itself. Jack’s still figuring himself and the world out, so he doesn’t have that level of confidence quite yet, but I’m working on–LEARN TO DRIVE BEFORE YOU GET BEHIND A WHEEL, DUMBASS!” you shout in the middle of your sentence as some idiot cuts you off. Onceler laughs quietly, making you stare at him for a moment. “What?”

“Nothing,” he smiles to himself. “You’re just cute is all.”

You stare at him until you remember you’re driving and have to actually focus on the road. He needed to absolutely not say those kinds of things to you. Not when your resolve to put Jack first was crumbling the longer you spent with him. Every time you looked at him, the urge to throw yourself in his arms and kiss him got stronger and stronger.

God, what was wrong with you? Yes, you still loved him, but your love for your son superseded everything else. Jack needed to be comfortable before you decided what you wanted to do about any kind of relationship with his father. You didn’t even know what Onceler felt for you at this point, and you were terrified of what the answer could be. He could very well hate you for turning down his marriage proposal the last time you saw each other. You saw in his eyes how deep you had twisted the knife when you’d refused him.

You force yourself to go the rest of the drive to your apartment in relative silence. In fact, it’s not until you’re parking in front of the cluster of buildings and grabbing the wheel lock from the backseat that either one of you speaks, and once more it’s him.

“So… why do you need that?” he asks, gesturing to the wheel lock as you fit it in place over your steering wheel.

“I live in a shitty part of town,” you say in a very matter-of-fact voice. “I don’t need some idiot teenager thinking it’s a good idea to try and steal my car.”

“But why are you here?” he asks, sounding genuinely confused. “I left that house so that you could use it, among other reasons. You don’t need to stay here.”

Your gaze softens as he speaks, and you have to physically restrain yourself from reaching up and caressing his face. “I didn’t know,” you say gently. “I’m here because this is what Aurora and I can afford.”

He frowns as he starts to follow you to your building. “I still own the other house,” he mutters. “Do you want to move back in? There’s more room and it’s a much less shitty area.”

God, this is part of the reason you fell for him. It’s so much in his nature, even now, to take care of people. Whatever his feelings were towards you, there was a sort of family that you still were in together and always would be. You still knew each other all too well. His offer was so tempting. And yet… “I think there’s too many memories for me to live in that house comfortably,” you whisper, hating yourself just a little for it.

To your surprise, he nods a bit. “No, you’re right. It’s not a good fit if we’re trying to start over,” he muses. “I’ll buy you a new house then.”

You stop as you get to the foot of your building, staring incredulously at him. “And how the fuck are you going to do that when you haven’t worked in ten years?” you ask suspiciously. “Come to think of it, what happened with all of your money? You had millions, if not billions. What did you do with it?”

Now he just looks uncomfortable. “So, technically I still have it,” he evades. You raise your eyebrow at his word choice.

“Just come out with it,” you press. “If it’s gone, it’s gone. I don’t know how you could have spent that much money in just ten years, but still.”

“It’s not gone,” he mutters. “I never declared bankruptcy for the company. I just ceased operations. So I was able to keep all the money. I put it in a bank account and it’s been growing interest ever since.”

You blink once, then twice. That was the last thing you’d been expecting. “So what you’re saying is–”

“I have more money than ever, yes,” he finishes your sentence with a sigh. “More money than I know what to do with, and now all I want is to give Jack what I can to at least attempt to make up for not being there for the past nine years.” He’s got a dark look of regret on his face that you recognize a little too well. You also, at least, know how to fix it.

“You’re here. That’s going to do more for him than money,” you say quickly. “And I’m not destitute, I’m not accepting money from you. I can’t.”

“Oh, can you please put away your pride and let me do this?” he huffs in a low tone, and there’s a resolve there that you’ve never seen before. “This is not me asking to buy you a house. This is me telling you I have more money than I could ever need for myself, so I’m buying you a house whether you like it or not. All my money was going to go to you anyway.”

That makes you pause. “Wait, what?”

“I had left everything to you in my will,” he shrugs. “I didn’t know how much longer I’d be alive after I gave the seed. I thought that was the only thing I had left to do. Of course, immediately after Jack gave me another reason to keep living, but for ten years I didn’t think I was going to be around long after that seed was gone. I had no reason to keep anything, so I figured I’d give it to you.”

You feel tears pricking at your eyes again. Damn emotions. You usually weren’t this weepy, but he was fucking with everything so thoroughly. His almost emotionless talk of a world without him nearly destroyed you to hear. You couldn’t imagine such a thing. You didn’t want to know a world that he didn’t inhabit. “I never want to hear you talking like that again, understand?”

“Like I said, I have you and Jack to live for now,” he promises softly. “I’m not going anywhere. You’re going to be stuck with me for a very long time.”

“Good.” You start walking up the stairs, away from the feelings that he’s stirring up in you again. Your apartment is on the third floor, and you’d rather be inside anyway if you’re going to continue having heavy conversations.

You shove your key into the lock and push the door open. As you expected, the place is empty. Aurora is at work and Jack is still at school. Onceler follows you inside, drinking in every detail of the place.

You immediately go to Jack’s room and check that the seed is still safe in his dresser, and you find it right where you left it. That was by far the most precious thing in your house, and you needed to keep it safe until Saturday so Jack could plant it. After you confirm it’s alright, you head back to your small living room.

Onceler’s sitting on the couch, and he’s picked up a photo album you’d left out on the coffee table. You’d gotten it out last night after Jack had told you who he’d seen. “Those are mostly of Jack,” you murmur. “Do you want to go through them?”

Without waiting for an answer, you take a seat next to him and gently pry the book from his grasp, keeping it between the two of you as you open it to peruse its contents.

The first few pictures chronicle you during your pregnancy. You start out with a small bump before ballooning into a giant one. There was also a copy of Jack’s ultrasound pictures. Onceler stays quiet and pensieve, but pauses when he comes to a certain photo.

It’s of you in the hospital, utterly exhausted after nearly three days of labor. Your hair was a mess, there were tear tracks staining your face, and you were covered with blood and bits of your own insides. There was also a screaming baby on your chest, still with the umbilical cord attached. It was the first time you’d ever held your son. It had been the first time you had ever seen your son.

Onceler has a very strange expression on his face, and you remember that he’s not fond of this kind of stuff; he’s very squeamish. “Not pretty, is it?” you comment, attempting to lighten the mood.

“I didn’t realize it was so… messy,” he mutters, still transfixed by the image. You just snort.

“I’d just pushed an entire human out of me, of course it was messy,” you huff. “And he took a long time to get here. I had to get induced, and even then it took three days.”

“Three days?! It can take that long?”

“Yup. And he was a big baby, he was over nine pounds,” you inform. “That picture is not nearly as graphic as it could have been. A couple minutes later I was getting stitches.”

“Why did you need stitches?” he asks, looking horrified. You just raise an eyebrow at him. “Oh. Right,” he mutters as he puts it together with a wince. “Fuck, I’m sorry.”

Out of instinct, you almost tell him it isn’t his fault, but in this case, it kind of was. “I was expecting it,” you say instead. “You’re six and a half feet tall, and I was having regular ultrasounds. I knew he wasn’t going to be small. At least I had an epidural. That helped.

Onceler’s face blanches at the mention of the epidural, his hatred of needles kicking in. He quickly turns the page to a much more tame set of pictures of Jack as a baby, and immediately zeroes in on one.

You were laying on your bed, just a small smile on your face. Your left arm was extended, and Jack, who was only a few weeks old then, was asleep under that arm next to you. Onceler can’t seem to stop staring at that particular picture. “I should have been the one to take this,” he whispers after a moment.

“It’s not your fault,” you reiterate. “You didn’t know–”

“That doesn’t mean I should have stayed away,” he says, finally tearing his eyes away from the picture and turning to face you now. “I should have given you some time to calm down, and then I should have gone after you, regardless of Jack’s existence or not. I should have apologized and begged for your forgiveness.”

“What are you saying?” you whisper. You think you know where his head is at, but you refuse to make assumptions in case you’re wrong. Oh God, if you’re wrong…

Your name floats off his lips like a prayer. “I’ve thought about you every day since you left. I wanted to marry you darling. Those feelings don’t go away overnight.” His eyes darken just slightly, awakening a desire in you that you haven’t known in years. It’s so foreign and so intense that it’s all you can do to bite back a moan right then and there. “Those feelings never went away at all,” he confesses.

He brings his hand up to your face, and anything you might have said back to him vanishes from the tip of your tongue as your brain short circuits. His fingertips trail down your face until he’s holding your chin, tilting it up just slightly.

Whatever might have happened next is abruptly cut short as you hear a key turning the lock of the front door, causing you to jump away from him. Aurora shouldn’t be home yet…

But sure enough, your sister walks through the door a moment later, and she’s got Jack with her. Your eyes widen as you quickly glance at the clock, but you didn’t lose track of time like you’d feared; he’s still supposed to be in school. “Mom? Aunt Aurora said–” his sentence is cut short as he sees Onceler sitting next to you on the couch.

You see the exact second when he puts together who Onceler is. His mouth falls open and more emotions than a nine-year-old should have to be put through flicker through his eyes all at once. Hurt, anger, sadness, hope; they’re all there before he desperately turns to you for comfort. “Is that my dad?” he whispers.

You sigh heavily. You’re going to kill Aurora. “Okay,” you say in your best mom voice. “Jack, come here.” You pat the spot on the couch next to you, making sure to keep yourself as a buffer between father and son, at least for now. “I need you both to be quiet while I explain some things. Got it? And you,” you direct at Aurora. “Why didn’t you let me get him? I was going to brace him instead of just throwing him into this.”

“This is more important than school,” Aurora says without a hint of remorse before disappearing into her room. You roll your eyes at her before turning to your son.

“Okay, baby,” you murmur. “You know that guy out beyond the wall you saw yesterday?” It’s a rhetorical question, but Jack nods anyway. “This is him. And yes. He’s your father.”

You pause to let the words hang there, much heavier than gravity. Jack looks around you to stare at his father, identical blue eyes recognizing each other for the first time.

You can already see the question in Jack’s face, and you know he deserves an answer. “He was not not around because he didn’t want you,” you stress. “He didn’t know you existed. We… well, we hit a rough patch before I knew I was pregnant.” Now you look at Onceler for help. You didn’t know how much of the story he’d told Jack before giving him the seed.

“And I immediately left town after that,” he says quietly, speaking to Jack now. “Your mother didn’t know how to find me.”

Jack’s looking between the two of you now. “So, when you mentioned a girl yesterday,” he starts slowly. “That was you?” Both of you nod in unison.

You take Jack’s hands now. “If I could do it over again, I would have found him earlier,” you murmur. “I never wanted you to grow up without a dad, and he’s not a bad guy. It’s not a situation where I was keeping you from him for your own protection.”

“And I never would have stayed away if I had known,” Onceler adds.

“But you found out yesterday, didn’t you?” Jack asks, and try as he might, there is a slight note of accusation coloring his tone. “That’s why you asked how old I was and who my mom was. You figured it out. Why didn’t you tell me then?”

Now it’s Onceler’s turn to sigh heavily. “Well, first because I was in shock,” he says. “I wasn’t expecting to learn I had a son. And second, you’d just heard how horrible of a person I had been. I didn’t know if you’d want someone like me as your dad. I’m probably not what you expected. I’ve made countless mistakes. I wouldn’t blame you if you wanted someone better than me.”

You shrink back into the couch a bit. You want them to be able to talk to each other, but also want to be there for support if either of them need it.

“No! I mean, you made a mistake but… everyone makes mistakes, right?” Jack glances at you, as if he’s worried he’s saying the wrong things. You nod encouragingly at him. “I mean. You apologized. You want to do better, right?”

“More than anything,” Onceler whispers, and it’s impossible to doubt the sincerity behind the words.

Jack hesitates for a moment. “And… you’re not gonna disappear again?” he asks, suddenly sounding even younger than he already is.

“As long as you want me around, I’ll be here,” Onceler promises. “You’re my son, and I want nothing more than to be your father. I love you.”

Jack’s upper lip quivers, and you can tell he’s doing his best to keep his composure. This is where your mom instincts step in. “Baby, come here,” you tell him. And even though he’s already getting close to you in height, you pull him into your lap just as the first tears start to fall from his eyes. Another moment later he’s crying into your shoulder. Onceler hesitates, but you give him a brief nod over Jack’s head, and he wraps his arms around the both of you, his own eyes misty as well.

You stay like this for a long time. The emotional maelstrom of finally meeting his dad was clearly a lot for Jack, and it takes a while for his tears to stop. Even when they do, the three of you seem very content to stay where you are.

Eventually, it’s Jack who breaks the moment. He shifts back onto his own spot on the couch. “How come you never came back?” he asks Onceler, his voice still a bit thick.

“I thought your mom hated me,” he murmurs, looking a little surprised by the question. “I didn’t want to hurt her more than I already had.” But instead of accepting that answer, Jack just seems more confused.

“Did she ever actually tell you she hated you?’

Now Onceler squirms uncomfortably. “Well, no but–”

“Then why did you never come back to check?”

“Because your parents are supreme dumbasses when it comes to how they feel about each other.” Aurora’s voice comes from behind you, making you jump; you hadn’t realized she was there. “And because of that, you and I are going to go out to dinner, okay kid? And meanwhile,” she turns to you and Onceler, fixing both of you with a hard stare. “You two get your shit together. I’m too old to deal with the pining looks you’ll inevitably give each other over the next few months if you don’t sort things out now.”

“Aurora,” you warn, but she doesn’t back off at all.

“No, I know you kept saying yesterday that your own feelings didn’t matter and that this was about Jack, and I get it. That’s what’s made you such a good mom. But you still need to take care of yourself. You’ve done absolutely right by Jack for now. Let me take him to dinner to help him process this, while you actually take care of yourself for once,” she implores before turning to Onceler. “And you,” she growls. “I’m not like these two, I don’t give second chances often, especially not with how spectacularly you messed up the first one. You’re not getting a third. So for the love of God don’t fuck this one up.”

You wish she was wrong more often. But she so frequently hits the nail on the head that it’s difficult to argue with her. After you confirm with Jack that he’s okay with the plan, you let her take him, and then you’re alone with Onceler again.

“Sorry. I know she’s a menace to society,” you mutter, not able to look at him, settling instead for twisting your hands in your lap again.

“It’s fine. She’s right,” he sighs. “And we probably should talk about us, I guess.”

You huff out a quick, annoyed breath of air. “Do we have to? It’s easier to ignore feelings,” you say, only half joking. “That’s how I’ve gotten by these past ten years.” He nods in total understanding. “But on the other hand, if we don’t talk and decide anything, Aurora actually will kill us,” you sigh again. “So let’s do this."

#fanfiction #onceler fanfiction #onceler x reader #the lorax #the onceler #also on ao3 #onceler

12 notes · View notes

cd-covington · 10 months

Note

Linguistics worldbuilding question for you!

I'm planning a webcomic set in an embassy where various magical races meet up to do business. The races I've planned so far are humans, fae, dwarves, goblins, sea-people, dragon-people, and gryphons.

Do you have any thoughts on ways to distinguish the speech patterns of the different races so they don't all end up sounding alike, especially the non-humanoid ones like the gryphons? I think some of them have nonverbal elements to their languages as well, which the visual webcomic format will help with.

By the way, there's going to be a translation spell either on the building itself or on some sort of amulet that everyone carries with them, so they can communicate with reasonable ease (and yes, I know about some of the problems with the universal translator trope).

Hello enchantress-emily!

This sounds like a fun idea for a webcomic 🙂 Speech patterns can be interesting to play with, and I think you can utilize the magic universal translator to help you with that.

The first thing you can do is figure out what types of metaphors and proverbs and idioms each of these species would have. What’s important in their culture? What would common touch-points be for the sea-people – what would their equivalent proverb be for, say, “we have bigger fish to fry” (there are bigger problems)? (Because frying doesn’t work well under water, right??)

Another thing you can think about is sentence structure. For example, German sentence structure is different from English, and nearly half of German sentences don’t start with the verb. German also allows you to construct massively long nested sentences that REALLY don’t work in English unless you separate them into 2 or more sentences. So maybe one of the species will have more complex sentence structure (even translated) because that’s how their language works, and maybe one of them will be more like English. (Not all languages in the world allow you to have dependent clauses (your which or who ones)! You can’t say I saw the man who lives next door at the supermarket; you have to break it down into I saw the man at the supermarket. He lives next door to me. (Or just I saw my neighbor, of course.))

There’s also formality. Maybe the fae have Court Language that’s more formal, and this formality gets carried over in translation. (But how? You decide if you want them all to sound like Jane Austen characters or like Aragorn son of Arathorn or whatever 😉)

Since you’re using magical translation, you can have the sea-people’s idiom for “we have bigger problems” come out as a literal translation of whatever they actually say. Think about The Little Mermaid a second – Sebastian sings to Ariel, “The seaweed is always greener in somebody else’s lake.” This is obviously a nod to “the grass is greener on the other side of the fence,” but grass doesn’t exist under the sea, and lawns and fences don’t either. So they use seaweed (like grass but in the sea) and lake.

You could do fun things like have the translation spell get hung up on a nested sentence (maybe the fae like to go on like the Germans), then everything comes screeching to a halt and the speaker has to start over but speak straightforwardly.

Speaking of straightforwardly… how does the spell handle lies, falsehoods, half-truths, white lies, and other forms of obfuscation? Is it impossible to lie because of some part of the magic that detects speaker’s intent? Are some species better at lying than others because they can say (for example) “I didn’t hate it” (a true statement, but omits “but I didn’t like it either”)? This would be a TON of fun to play around with, especially for people who like writing twisty political stories.

You mentioned body language and other nonverbal communication, so I want to touch on that briefly. Nonverbal communication varies around the real world, and you can have different species with different NVC (and maybe it gets mis-read! Maybe a normal gesture in one culture is offensive in another! Maybe the magic doesn’t cover NVC!) There are so many things you can play with here. Good luck with your project! It sounds fun.

If you think this is interesting, consider backing my Kickstarter, where I’ll be writing a book about how to use linguistics in your worldbuilding process. Or if tumblr ever sorts out tipping for my account, leave me a tip.

#enchantress-emily #linguistics #linguistic worldbuilding #fantasy linguistics

17 notes · View notes

pige0ns · 2 years

Text

thinking about “wine and roses” and “fun and games”, and how kim and jimmy both do and don’t fit the stories that inspired those titles.

both days of wine and roses and who’s afraid of virginia woolf are about a married couple that is codependently bound together by something dark, which poisons the lighter, more genuine aspects of their connection.

in the case of days of wine and roses the dark thing is alcohol. in the case of who’s afraid of virginia woolf, it is george and martha’s bitterness about how their lives have gone, which manifests in them playing an extended game of make-believe about a non-existent child. (in addition to various other cruel emotional games they play with each other.) the drama of the play occurs when martha crosses a line by involving an unsuspecting couple in all of this normally-private game-playing, leading both george and martha to escalate in cruelty and severity over the course of one night--until they reach a breaking point.

in both works, these dark things are presented as something that the characters use to avoid harsh realities. in days of wine and roses joe and kristen are established from the beginning as having an affinity for romantic illusions. joe’s a pr man, a man whose whole job is to craft appealing facades, and drinking is depicted as an intimate part of the pr life. he says “magic time” before he slings a shot (shades of jimmy and kim as magicians—“i’m a magic man” “think you can pull another rabbit out of the hat for us?”).

joe’s parents were also in show business--another connection to romance and performance. meanwhile kristen doesn’t want to confront her addiction because “the world looks so dirty to [her] when [she’s] not drinking.” she muses at the beginning of the movie that she likes to stand on the docks and watch the water, but not up close: “if you look close, it’s filthy. but i like to look further out where it’s clean.” for them, alcohol adds a feeling of brightness and beauty to their lives. of magic. wine and roses. but that feeling is ultimately fleeting and illusory. and leads them to neglect real-life things like their daughter. they have a romantic idea of a home they could build together, but that home is always out of reach because of their addiction.

in general, the phrase “wine and roses” evokes the idea of memento mori. that is, the idea that life is short (like the beauty of a rose before it wilts) and death is inevitable and so one should enjoy life while one can (say, via pleasures of the flesh like alcohol). the idea that things are beautiful precisely because they are so temporary. but also the idea that no matter how beautiful life can seem, the fact that everything will eventually die and decay means that you should be humble. that in some ways the pleasures of the flesh are actually futile. but joe and kristen, in the throes of addiction, do not want to embrace this humility. they want the wine and the roses but not the destruction and death. they can’t find the beauty in the fleeting, and so their romance itself runs the risk of ending up as one of those beautiful, temporary things.

[pictured: an example of vanitas painting, a genre which centers memento mori themes. adriaen van utrecht, “still life with bouquet and skull” (1642).]

in who’s afraid of virginia woolf, george and martha’s game-playing and barb-flinging doesn’t exactly add romance to their lives, but it does allow them to avoid confronting their bitterness and grief head-on. it makes the world more abstract. it gives them a twisted sense of control, while trapped in lives they feel otherwise powerless to change. if you hate your husband loudly enough, maybe it can’t hurt you. martha is a drunk, like joe and kristen, and the characters spend the play drinking, but the play is not about drinking. instead, the drinking is treated as more of a symptom of george and martha’s overall dysfunction. on the surface, martha’s drinking might seem like a way for her to detach herself from the world, or make it more thrilling or otherwise tolerable in a joe-and-kristen sort of way. but as the play progresses, the alcohol seems more and more like a tool of disinhibition. something in george and martha wants to unravel all the fakery they’ve been using to hold their lives together. even though another part of them is terrified of exactly that.

despite all this darkness however, it’s clear that there is still something real between the characters. joe and kristen are interested in each other before alcohol becomes a fixture in their relationship. and joe maintains hope even at the very end of the movie that they’re capable of being together without alcohol as their primary source of fun. and for all the vitriol that george and martha spew at each other, their ability to play these games of wit as equals also makes them perversely suited to each other. george and martha start the play seemingly antagonistic, but when nick and honey show up, suddenly that antagonism begins to come off as them having fun together at this other couple’s expense. for some definition of “fun.” it also becomes clear that despite acting as if they are bitterly estranged from each other, george and martha still have the ability to genuinely hurt each other. there is real feeling beneath it all, but it’s so twisted up that it’s hard to pin down.

with all this in mind, the similarities to kim and jimmy are pretty easy to see. like joe and kristen and george and martha, one of their main sources of fun (scamming) is something ultimately destructive--both to others and themselves. there’s also an underlying question of whether they could excise (exorcise) this thing and still be together. moreover, their love of scamming is partly a response to disappointment with the world. it’s a way for kim and jimmy to feel like winners, like they have the power to bend the world and its levers of justice to their will. like george and martha, they have a bitterness and resentment in them, as well as a facility for manipulation. one can easily imagine nick saying to them what howard says to kim and jimmy: that they’re soulless, have a piece missing, and are perfect for each other because of it. and like joe and kristen, kim and jimmy are romantics, and the scam is tied up in that romantic inclination. kim and jimmy like movies, and fantasize about their perfect home. jimmy likes flashiness and performance and kim is titillated by it in turn. their scamming makes the world feel brighter and more fun, and it’s no coincidence, i think, that the show links the scamming to alcohol in the form of the zafiro añejo.

.-.-.

still....kim and jimmy strike me as different from those stories in some pretty important ways. first and foremost is just how much kim and jimmy honestly like each other and have a supportive and frequently healthy dynamic. joe and kristen might have been drawn to each other even without alcohol, but alcohol features in their relationship from their very first date, and really does appear to be the primary way that the two of them have fun. whereas kim and jimmy have known and cared about each other for a decade. a scam might be what instigates them being in an official relationship, but they are clearly best friends without that. and even within their romantic relationship, scamming is something that they only spend a relatively small portion of their time doing. kim and jimmy make physical overtures when they’re excited about things going well in ways that have nothing to do with criminality, as well as in the course of their domestic day to day life.

and of course, unlike george and martha, kim and jimmy almost never turn their bitterness against each other. and when they do it is a big moment that they always resolve after. kim and jimmy don’t just love each other “on some level,” they love each other in a very obvious way. they have their dysfunctions as people and as a couple, but not in terms of their treatment of each other--which is unfailingly loving. they’re happy in their marriage, and proud of it.

moreover, kim and jimmy don’t really have a direct counterpart in either the joe/kristen or george/martha dynamics. jimmy is the one to tempt kim with scamming initially, which is the role joe plays with kristen, but unlike joe jimmy is not the one who escapes their “addiction.” instead it is kim who draws jimmy in further with the howard scam, and then leaves when the consequences of their actions cross a line. which prompts jimmy to spiral further into criminality, much like kristen does with alcohol after joe tries to get sober. meanwhile unlike george and martha, when kim and jimmy manipulate other people, they are straightforward collaborators in it. with the exception of “wexler v goodman” they’re not working against each other. furthermore, kim and jimmy don’t deliberately try to take their relationship to a crisis point, even unconsciously (as far as i can tell). killing howard is not something that either did on purpose to kill some important piece of their relationship.

also, despite the fact that kim leaves, it is not a cathartic moment like george killing his and martha’s imaginary son. it feels like a death--it is a death: of jimmy mcgill. but it doesn’t feel like an exorcism. at least not to me. and largely because we know that nothing changes for the better for jimmy after kim leaves. nothing becomes clearer. like george, kim forces a change on their relationship as jimmy pleads for her to not. but it is not a change that kim has been fighting towards over the course of two hours, but rather something sudden and potentially impulsive and self-destructive as much as an attempt to break a different destructive cycle.

i don’t know how the show will go, but i do think it’s interesting that they used these references to bookend the kim and jimmy arc in the pre-breaking bad timeline specifically. it feels like the show saying: these destructive cycles define this particular era of their relationship. but the fact that “fun and games” is episode 9 of 13, and the fact that kim and jimmy don’t fit either joe/kristen or george/martha perfectly, leads me to think that the show is not trying to draw a 1-1 between these works and kim and jimmy’s arc as a whole. both days of wine and roses and who’s afraid of virginia woolf end at an ambiguous moment between the couples. one that is half separation and half resolution (in a narrative sense, if not romantic sense). a moment with the potential but not guarantee of change. but kim and jimmy get that moment in “fun and games.” so will the show repeat it with a different flavor at the end of the show, or will it do something else?

#better call saul

91 notes · View notes

ascendedastarionapologist · 24 days

Note

“Like, I really don’t like ascended Astarion, but I’m not going to write some unhinged hate rant like the bastard actually sacrificed 7000 real people and become the worst dom ever who doesn’t believe in safe words or active consent. I know he’s problematic, but he’s not real, and that’s the angle I would use if I decided to write anything about him.”

Tag the post as ascended astarion 🙄 you just did write some unhinged hate rant and made sure AA enjoyers see it. You did not need to tag him if the post was mainly about emperor.

why AA haters always go like what do you mean there could be no ascended astarion without my help? ☹️ it was all him sacrificing 7000 real people! What do you mean spawn astarion constantly wanting to ascend and i always have to persuade him not to or i can just outright don’t let him ascend because he can’t without my help? 😟 and AA character is definitely all about being dom and sex. There is no need to talk about anything else about him 😤 i don’t care the game itself doesn’t mention safe words in any scenarios with any characters, but i am going to use my headcanon that he doesn’t believe in safe words and that’s canon now. I am also going to completely ignore every single consent i gave him starting from helping him ascend, agreeing to be spawn to be his side forever, getting to choose if ritual is going to be soft or hurt, i am going to ignore the fact that i could have stopped the ritual if i wanted, i can have poly with halsin and him, i can leave with karlach, and i can break up with him and he lets you go despite you being his spawn. 🤢 he’s problematic but i don’t want to hear about spawn astarion also being problematic. My astarion is not like that! i can’t hear my spawn astarion talking about making examples of unruly vampire spawns in delight. All i care about is how i am treated except when it comes to AA sacrificing 7000 real people! And i definitely am not part of the cause of that sacrificing! What do you mean there is no canon of him ascending without my help unless i play as him? 😧 what do you mean i am getting mean responses because i am choosing to be mean to him? He should always be nice to me! Even when i become a mind flayer who is well known as a smelly soulless no emotion and only logic evil creature and he finally has power to be not afraid to say no to the person’s face.

AA haters accuse AA enjoyers of only seeing AA as sex object, but all i see is AA haters seeing AA as sex object 🙄 and blame everything on AA instead of taking accountability of their choices.

If i think i blocked every single AA hater on ascended astarion tag, new AA hater posts appear on his tag

yeah i saw that. i thought it was pretty ironic sense they were going on about how ppl treat empy enjoyers.

a little bit of my headcanon: astarion and his consort dont need a safeword bc they're psychically linked by way of their vampiric bond. astarion can just sense when theyre uncomfortable and will switch gears into aftercare mode.

also like. i really dont get the need to portray a safeword in the game or in fic like yeah have it for real life but this is fiction if you need to tap out close the game or close the tab you know?

#asks #silly bg3 fandom doing silly things as always

6 notes · View notes

to-the-one-before-me · 9 months

Text

I don’t know where to start other than this one truth: I know you miss him, and I know he misses you, every day, all the time.

He misses more than just your face, your touch, your laugh, and your infectious energy. He misses the life he had built with you. This was a life that he might find similar ones with another person, but that won’t be with you, and it breaks his heart.

I am nowhere near you. I am just a woman who met him when she too was going through heartbreak. I am just a woman who wishes nothing more than the two of you to find love again. I honestly don’t know what that means anymore though. It’s truly remarkable to hear about how much he admires you, cares for you, and wishes he could still share each day with you. He regrets his actions at the end and he regrets becoming the villain that he always knew he could be, but never wanted to be for you. He talks about you in a way that one would talk about the most precious thing they’ve ever had in their life. And that’s what you were to him that’s what you still are to him.

You are forever his babygirl, and I am just a woman in his life right now. Your relationship with him was complicated. I won’t say more than that. The intricacies in the power struggles seem to been part of the downside but I’m here to talk about the upside’s. This is to hopefully help you heal some and to help him know that it’s okay for him to not love me the way he loves you.

You two met and connected over time. From what I can tell it seems as though you two spoke a language that no one else even came close to understanding. You two were so in sync that his nonverbal tendencies would not even be an issue for you and you were able to anticipate his needs in the exact way he’d always wish someone had. He cannot find the words to describe what it was like to have a partner that just got him, but I will do my best to describe who you are through his eyes.

Not only were you kind, and patient, and gentle, but you were also his best friend. He could talk to you about anything, although he admits that you may not have understood it all, the important thing is that you were there for it all. You were there when he first started on his great journey. Although it may have started long before, you were there at the catalyst, the turning point. You were there through some of his greatest discoveries. And you were a muse for him. I doubt he’s going to be willing to admit it, but I think you were always on his mind and his work.

I can feel how much he cared about you in some of his pieces. Some of the songs he plays for his work, I can hear your laughter, and I can feel your compassionate smile. He knew with you, he could be himself, and you would love him through all of it. And I think part of that scared him in a way he still won’t admit. People who have a fear of being put into labels, or boxes, or categories, do not want unconditional love. It confuses them because they have conditions for everything. He has standards that are extraordinarily high, and from what I can tell, you lived up to most of them. That in itself shows how remarkable of a person you are. Actually, he uses the word spectacular. And he’s not just talking about your appearance. Although he would be right to do so, since you are gorgeous, and I hate saying he deserves someone like you.

I know that I am not special enough for him. I know at first I was just a placeholder until you and him worked things out together, and some days, it still feels that way. He doesn’t cry over anything as much as he does when he talks about losing you. You struck a chord in him that will never change. It’s hard being around him when he has something that reminds him of you around. Certain movies are off-limits. Certain songs, if I don’t appreciate enough, he’ll shut down. When it comes to intimacy, I can tell he misses you the most then. I am not warm. But I know that you were.

He never hesitates to remind me that he learned how to be soft with you. He has told me this on multiple occasions when he’s talked about how cold I am or how stiff I am, and how it’s something that he too had to learn from you. It must have just been natural for you, as you were such a loving person as he described, and I hate that he has to settle for me. His hands reach for your body, not mine, and I can tell. He’s used to your touch; yearns for it and it’s so obvious it hurts. He gets disappointed when realizes that it’s me and not you. I do not blame him for this one bit. I understand him choosing you over me.

If things have gone differently between you two, I know I would not even be in the picture at all. I am grateful that I am in his life and that he is in mine, but I know how much happier he could’ve been had he been with you. He misses all of the activities you two used to do. Whether it be gaming, watching movies, cleaning, or cooking. I’ve told him that he needs to forgive me for not being you. For when he gets short with me, when I don’t know how to do tasks he asks me to do or expects me to do, because they’re clearly things you used to do, it hurts. I have to remind him that I am not you, and his face falls just a bit in that way. I know you know what I am talking about. It’s the simplest things that make him think of you.

He misses waking up with you in the morning, and how you two used to interact at the break of dawn. He misses not having to remind me, as his partner, to snuggle with him, because it is not my instinct to do so, but it was clearly yours.

Although, in someways, I think he has achieved more with me in his life; he himself has admitted that he would have more fun with you in a day but he has an a month with me. I know he misses that. I don’t want you to feel like you have to go back to him, because that is not what this is about.

I want you to know that he has not gotten over you just because he is with me now. You still are a part of his every day existence and will be forever. Nobody will ever take your place beside him. For you are his babygirl, his one and only, And everything he ever said about how much he cared about you is true and it still is. I’m sure that doesn’t erase any of the pain and I’m sure that you still have extraordinarily complicated emotions about him. I know that this won’t make you fall asleep at night any easier, or make doing these tasks without him any better, but I hope you find some sort of comfort in knowing that you’re not alone. He is missing his other half right now as well. You mean more to him than I think he ever told you. I hope you know that he cared for you in the way he told me he would never care for another person. Including me.

Learn from that what you will about me. As I said, I was going through heartbreak as well and I don’t think I’ve moved on either. Him and I have found companionship together, but it is not anywhere close to what you and him had. If you see any sign that he is or that he has forgotten you, ignore those signs. You will be with him for as long as he will be around. He remembers your birthday and gets very emotional around then. He still can’t remember mine. He has taught me a lot about affection, intimacy, and so many other things, that I know he learned from you. I know this, because he has told me so, and he is so proud that he learned them from you.

I want you to know a few more truths about him without you. I bring out some of the worst sides of him, and I can tell that you brought out the best. He has also reminded me that those sides of him that I see sparks that are absolutely wonderful, are only brought out because of you. It took him a while before he started cooking again, and I didn’t understand why. And then he showed me something which he called “the definition of you and him”. And it looked like the things he was trying to re-create with me. A lot of the things he does with me are knock-offs of what he used to do with you.

I want you to know that when he would say to you “that you will never find somebody like him”, he also meant that he would never find somebody like you.

I sometimes wish I could just talk to you when I don’t know what he wants from me at that time. He’ll get in this mood, and I know that he’s expecting me to do something that you used to do to get him out of it, but I have no idea what that was and he has yet to tell me. It is obvious he doesn’t wanna admit that all he really wants in those moments is you. I can tell that you used to calm him down better than anyone else ever could; you also could hype him up like nobody else could. He is missing every single facet of your existence and that you still matter even though you two are apart.

8 notes · View notes