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honeyshiddendesire · 14 days

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🤠Cowboys You Say?

Pairing: Zoro, Eustass, Sabo, Marco & Ace x fem!reader (separate or sharing doesn't affect the story)

*Old Note: Had a vacation out on 93 acres in the countryside and all I was thinking about…cowboys.*

Warnings: bondage! Dom/sub! Pet names! Praise & degradation! Vaginal penetration! Bimbofication! Rough sex! Spanking! Hair pulling! Yata yata smut lol y’all know I write nasty!breeding kink!

@votaeto @zorosdimples thought y’all might like this

*New Author’s Note: Out of all the stories I thought I lost from my old account Honey’s World of Fanfiction THIS one was by far my favorite so to stumble upon it again makes me sooo freaky hype!!!! AHHH So excited!!!! Hope everyone still loves it just as much as me!! Don’t be alarmed I did fix some typos as well! Lol*

*cow banner*

Acres of land as far as the eye can see was before you. Majestic and overwhelming but it was now yours. Inherited from your late father, Edward, you had no choice but to return home to his prize. The ranch he loved second ONLY to you, too precious for you to just sell.

Patches of woods and forests littered with game even open fields for horses to run wild until tamed. There was a beautiful garden that stretched around the ranch, a pond with a family of ducks. A river with a strong current that only the toughest even dare swim in, flowing just along the ranch’s right side.

The terrain was intense but luckily your father made sure he left you with a great team to help you out.

*banner*

Lumberjack Ace 🪓who jumps out his pickup truck shirtless, drenched in a layer of sweat with an ax resting on his shoulder.

Lumberjack Ace 🪓 who was saddened and shocked at your father’s death but happy seeing his pretty daughter inherit the ranch.

Lumberjack Ace 🪓 who tips his hat and winks at you with a side smirk as he walks, “Mornin’ darlin’.” The freckled face and cut abs flustering you immediately.

Lumberjack Ace 🪓 who pours a bucket of water over his head before taking the sweet tea you offered after hours of chopping firewood.

Lumberjack Ace 🪓 who cleans the chimney for you in your freakish city that gets snow storms mid summer. The grand line farmland a whirlwind of weather.

Lumberjack Ace 🪓 flirts the entire time with winks and smirks. “Don’t worry babydoll I’ll have this house as hot as you in no time.” Tossing the wood he chopped inside with a dramatic sigh.

Lumberjack Ace 🪓 who ax throws intruders wanting to harm you

Lumberjack Ace 🪓 who makes you wear his hat when you ride him cause you’re his pretty cowgirl princess. “Aren’t you just a spitfire?” His moans drawn out all nice and sweet for ya.

Lumberjack Ace 🪓 who fucks you hard against the trees he plans on chopping. Using you to see if they’re sturdy enough as your back rubs against the rough bark.

“Yeah pretty girl ya like that don’t ya?” He’ll ask as he nips at your bottom lip making you whimper, pussy clenching. His cock will destroy your insides as the harsh tree rubs your skin raw. “Want my seed deep in that cute lil pussy of yours? I bet you do baby girl. Take every drop alright darlin’.”

Fucking your cunt hard in the forest as your screams bounced off the tall trees making him grunt as he paints that pussy white. “That’s my pretty girl.” 🪓

🪓🪓🪓🪓🪓🪓🪓🪓🪓🪓🪓🪓🪓🪓🪓🪓🪓🪓🪓🪓

Doctor Marco 🩺 who rode in on a fucking horse with flowers in his hands to show his condolences.

Doctor Marco 🩺 who even studied animals in order to help your father when he stressed over his prized horse, Whitebeard, growing sick.

Doctor Marco 🩺 who made it a point to stop by everyday on his gorgeous marbled stallion, saying it was important for your mental health on such a secluded land.

Doctor Marco 🩺 who comes to your aid during the harsh heat when you almost had a heat stroke. “Wow there birdie~ can’t have you getting dehydrated on me.”

And !!

The treacherous winter when he finds you passed out in the house shaking still not used to a single fire heating up such a big house. “Sweet bird what would you do without me~” He’ll coo at you.

Doctor Marco 🩺 who sheds his clothes to warm you up the fastest way you can in the countryside. “Come here birdie I’ll keep you warm.”

Cock plunging deep into your pussy to make you sweat. Your gasps and moans make him shiver, back arching off the bed as you claw at his skin. “D-doctor~ M-Marco ah~ you feels so warm.” You whimper as he leans over pushing his weight on his hands.

“I know dove~ let me keep taking good~ care of you. Make sure you stay nice and warm inside and out.” Marco’s thrust would be deep and really rough to make you sweaty and gasping. “I reckon I’ll have you feeling peachy in no time birdie.”

Doctor Marco 🩺 who even checks your gag reflex with his cock buried snug in your wet throat.

“Take a little more pretty thing.” Hand brushing your hair back with a gentle smile. Your eyes watery as you looked up at him in your pretty sundress soaked in your drool.

“There ya go dove doin just~ fine.” Marco would grunt out as he shallowly thrusts into your throat. Cumming deeply into your tight mouth making you moan softly at the taste. Semen dripping down the sides making you whine and even messier for his greedy eyes.

🩺🩺🩺🩺🩺🩺🩺🩺🩺🩺🩺🩺🩺🩺🩺🩺🩺🩺🩺🩺

Horse Tamer Sabo 🐎 who picked the prettiest mustangs for your father.

Horse Tamer Sabo 🐎 who supplies all the best horses in town. Even trains them too.

Horse Tamer Sabo 🐎 who washes your horses and loves watching you braid their hair afterwards in different styles. “I think that's one of my favorites sweet pea.” He’ll say coming up behind you all close.

Horse Tamer Sabo 🐎 who holds you tightly when a horse passes because he too knows your pain of losing a stallion.

Horse Tamer Sabo 🐎 who gets to train ladies all week but still doesn’t get behind them for a lesson, opting for his own stallion but insists on doing it for you. Saying you need the best.

Horse Tamer Sabo 🐎 who teaches you to ride. Thick cock brushing up against you as he wraps his arms around you. Breath heavy from the close proximity, “Doing great doll~” Voice raspy after a long ride of his cock brushing against your pretty self.

Horse Tamer Sabo 🐎 who buys you matching gloves for riding saying they’re the best and they’ll last the longest because of the quality but it’s actually because he likes you matching.

Horse Tamer Sabo 🐎 who wins all the horse racing championships

“Looking good doll.” Sabo drew out as he leaned against the railing where you were sitting in the front row. All the other women were jealous, wanting his attention too.

“How’s about I take a pretty lady like you out to a fancy dinner and a nice ride?” He winks at the last part hinting at a night of mystery that you so said ‘yes’ to.

Horse Tamer Sabo 🐎 who also makes you wear his hat when you ride him cause that’s just what cowboys do.

Eyes rolling back as he tugged on the knots you were bound by, “Just like that sweet pea move’em nice and slow fa me.” Sabo groaned out, voice raspy making you whine. Fat cockhead pushing past your cervix making you choke out moans.

“Ooooooowweee doll listen to you howl. Go head and cum on me ‘kay sweetheart.” Sabo’s cocky when he fucks his fat cock up into your dripping pussy. His blue hat bouncing with his powerful thrusts, pussy squirting making his ego grow more. “Now that’s a prize winning stallion! Fuck~!! I’m gonna have to breed you full after that ride.”

🐎🐎🐎🐎🐎🐎🐎🐎🐎🐎🐎🐎🐎🐎🐎🐎🐎🐎🐎🐎

Butcher Zoro! 🔪 Who brought you the biggest cow in the shop to show his condolences.

Butcher Zoro! 🔪 who still delivers fresh meats weekly even though you’re not sick like your father and very capable of doing it yourself.

Butcher Zoro! 🔪 who always offers to sharpen your kitchenware when he delivers the meats to ensure you the best.

Butcher Zoro! 🔪 who loves pulling up to you grilling or smoking some meats and seeing your proud smile when you used his ingredients. “Please Zoro! You just have to join me for dinner! I think you’re gonna love how the steaks turned out! It's a great cut.”

Butcher Zoro! 🔪 who can hog tie the fastest in the countryside. Seeing him wrangle up that boar with his cocky smirk made your thighs press together. Feeling like a sinner in church needing a sip of sweet tea with the way he wiped the sweat off his brow.

Butcher Zoro! 🔪 who always winks at you and tips his hat after winning the hog tying contest making everyone jealous.

Butcher Zoro! 🔪 who puts you in gorgeous knots and suspended ropes to stretch you out in.

“Dammit woman look at you suckin’ in this cock like a champion.” Zoro grunted as he watched his cock disappear down your sloppy throat. Spit and cum from an earlier load dripping all over your front. Pulling away he ripped your top open and latched his hungry mouth onto your breast. Your arms above you in ropes as you hung like a butchered pig ripe for his taking.

“Prettiest little piggy to ever be eaten by me, I tell you what.” Zoro smirked as he left mark after amazing mark all over your sweaty skin.

Tying your legs up and spread out so he can slide that fat ass cock all the way in with no interruptions. “Fuck yeah piggy lemme hear you squeal for this cock just butchering your insides.” He was definitely merciless in all the things he did but you weren’t about to complain.

🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪

Farmer Eustass 🤠 who still tends to your 100+ acres of land cause, “Ain’t no way in hell I’ll be able to sleep at night knowing a pretty lamb like you is doin all the work.”

Farmer Eustass 🤠 who calls you almost every farm/animal he can possibly think of. Lamb, pig, mouse, bunny, chickie, calf, heifer,etc

Farmer Eustass 🤠 who comes to your aid whenever you need repairs around the house, but only does them shirtless.

Farmer Eustass 🤠 who drives the tracker shirtless in his overalls with a piece of straw in his mouth, hat tipped real low. Winking at you when you give him a cool glass of lemonade for his hard work plowing the fields, though you couldn’t help but desire that he was plowing something else.

“Thanks lil calf but I think I might wanna drink on somethin’ else you can gimme me. Maybe some milk?”

Farmer Eustass 🤠 who buys you the prettiest dresses and shoes cause he’ll be doin all the hard labor anyways.

Farmer Eustass 🤠 who gets handsy the fastest cause he can’t help but want to let out all his stress on you. Looking like a sweet lil belle that he wanted nothing more than to corrupt into his pretty bimbo after a long day.

Farmer Eustass 🤠 who’s a total stereotype. Wanting a beer and his dick sucked the second he steps foot in the door. Don’t worry he always returns the favor 😉

“Been thinkin’ bout these lips wrapped around my cock all damn day out on that field. Fuck~ that’s it chick, slobber all over me.”

Farmer Eustass 🤠 who roughly shoves your face in the hay as he fucks you ass up in the barn. Spanking you and pulling you back by your pigtails.

“Good fuckin’ calf. Letting me breed you full till you’re swollen wit my kids, tits drippin with milk for me.” Hips rocking into your cunt with a mission to fill you full. Stuffing your womb full of his children to run and play on the farm.“Fuck-my little cow being so good. Stay just like that babe.” Spanking you as he grabs both your pigtails in one large hand. “Sweet little heifer letting me breed her like she’s supposed ta wit outta fight. Come on moo for your owner baby.” Voice raspy as he’ll grip your ass, fucking you hard on his heavy cock. Hay scratching into your face as you cream around his dick with a shaky scream. “Soundin’ so pretty when you get loud like that fa me.”

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johnny-slaughter-me · 1 month

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— “ 𝐇𝐨𝐦𝐞: 𝐏𝐚𝐫𝐭 𝐈𝐈. ” | Danny Gaines x Female Reader.

Mini Series. Your father owned a local mechanic shop in a small town. It was the day Danny stepped into the shop that your love story began.

Notes. English isn't my native language so typos and grammar issues are likely.

Warnings. This fic is sfw.

Enjoy. I hope you enjoy the content. Much love, Cherry. 🍒

The next morning Danny headed into work as per usual, he greeted your father good morning and made coffee for the both of them. After helping with some of the opening tasks and paperwork for the day, he went to work on some of the cars in the back, getting fixed and ready for their owners to collect and drive again. He couldn't help but think about you, how you looked at him with your pretty eyes. How warmed you felt when he hugged you tight. How sweet you sounded when you told him whatever was on your mind. Yet he couldn't help the feeling of unworthiness. You and your father have done so much for him, and he would forever be in your debt, but you had gone to college, studying and hard working to achieve a life that was more desirable than being a lone person. He felt as he couldn't give you nearly half of what you deserved, he was too dependent on the bare minimum. But he loves you, he knows he does, and he knows you feel the same.

Your father could sense something was up, and without a single thought he just immediately asked Danny if everything was alright. "Yeah I just, im feeling a bit conflicted about something." Danny replied. "Something or someone?" Your father asked, trying to squeeze out more information. "Ahh it's someone." Danny nervously replied. "Well son don't be shy, what is it that's sitting so heavy on your heart?" Your father asked. "It's ahhh, it's Y/N." Danny said with a sigh, and your father without hesitation said: "She likes you, a lot. I can hear her talking to her girlfriends about you, she forgot we live within humble walls, they aint that thick." And then your father added: "and also I saw you to huggin' by the door last night. Reminded me of when me and Y/N's mother were young and in love". Danny smiled at the thought but then the smile that graced his face turned, and with a sad tone he said: "but she deserves better, she deserves the world and beyond. I don't want to hold her from the life she could have." "Son, do you love her?" Your father asked, "With all my heart." Danny replied. "Well than, why don't you leave a bit early tonight, take her out to dinner, but bring her home by 10." "Yessir!" Danny replied.

When you came to the shop you were surprise to see Danny missing, "ahh dad, where's Danny?" You asked. "He said he has somethin' important tonight, so I let him leave early, but he did want me to hand you this." Your father answered and gave you a note from Danny, telling you to get ready because he will be at your house at six to pick you up. You blushed and rushed home to get ready, a million thoughts racing through your mind and butterflies filled your heart. As promised Danny was at your doorstep by six. "Hey beautiful" he said when you answered the door you chuckled and smiled, complimenting him back. He took you out to the fields, surrounded be sunflowers and dusky skies. After picking out a little makeshift bouquet for you, the two of you headed to a local pizza shop, where Danny treated you to dinner and the two of you spent the evening together.

Tonight when Danny walked you home, at the front step of your door, he couldn't help himself and looked into your eyes. "Thank you Danny, I had a lot of fun tonight." You said in a small voice, still holding your little sunflower bouquet Danny picked for you when you went to the fields. He smiled and his hand graced your face. He gently moved a piece of your hair behind your ear, and leaned in for a kiss. His lips felt so soft on yours, it was just as magical as you fantasized it to be. You kissed him back wanting more and more but Danny slowly pulled away, kissing the top of your forehead before whispering a "goodnight, Y/N". You quietly replied a "goodnight, Danny" and headed inside. The both of you falling asleep dreaming about the other, feeling euphoric, and craving the next day when you'd finally meet again.

#Cherry Writes 🍒#Danny Gaines #Danny Gaines x Reader #Danny Gaines x Female Reader

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jazzythursday · 1 month

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hi hi for the fic ask game hmmm 1, 20, 35, 48, and 74! <3

ahhh friend! Hi Sparrow!!!

1) Do you daydream a lot before you write, or go for it as soon as the ideas strike?

I just answered this one in another ask, so I’ll paste in what I wrote for that here ;3

So much. So so much. I come up with so many little bits and moments for fics to find places for later. Usually they end up in bullet pointed lists that eventually make sense. Sometimes I spend weeks just jotting down random ideas or lines of dialogue before I try to write a single paragraph. Other times I go straight in with no outline or planning though, and those fics always feel particularly raw to me because they came straight out of my feelings in the moment.

20) Do you prefer writing AUs or canon fics?

I want to get into writing AU fic, but for now all my posted works are canon. AUs kind of terrify me to be honest. I also just... don't get that many ideas for AUs. So much of how I see my favourite characters is rooted in their canon backstories, so taking them out of it has never been something I've been that interested in. Maybe once I exhaust myself of filler scenes and canon continuations I'll catch the AU bug, but for now I have waaaay too many ideas that are set in canon.

.....That being said, I still think about the sun summoner!Jesper au I wrote the first chapter draft of pretty often.....

35) What’s your favorite fic you’ve posted?

This should come as no surprise to anyone, but it’s Everyday, Just a Little or a Little Bit (shamlessly plugging it again here lol) It’s the first fic I started for soc/wesper and the last fic I finished, and definitely the one I’d recommend highest!

48) Who is your favorite character to write for? Has this changed since you’ve started writing for that fandom?

Again, no surprises here---it's Wylan!

The funny thing is that just yesterday I was ranting about how much I miss writing from Wylan's pov. Because I really miss it. The last few things I’ve worked on have all been from Jesper’s, and then I randomly went back to work on a Wylan wip and realised that it was sooo much easier to connect emotionally and know what I wanted to say. Wylan's has been my go to from the get go (woah, that's a mouthfull), but I don't think I clocked how much I was struggling until then.

(It’s getting to the point where I considered trying to pre-write Wylan’s pov of a scene just to figure out where it was going so I can put it in Jesper’s. Which is crazy, and probably not worth it, but it's where we are ¯\_(ツ)_/¯)

Another thing I noticed is that a lot of writing I do for Jesper inevitably ends up being about Wylan (to be fair, a pretty large amount of my Wylan povs are about Jesper too) or else they rely heavily on dialogue, whereas my Wylan povs get paragraphs and paragraphs of inner monologue and thought, which doesn’t come as naturally to me for Jesper.

74) Do you have a fic you wish got a bit more love?

hmmmm... Familiar Strangers is my least popular wesper fic, so maybe that one. I get why it might have been a harder sell since it's pre-relationship and unresolved, but I do really like it as a little peek into Jesper's head between ep 1 and 2.

Also, not wesper (gasp!) but Homewards, to Land is a Good Omens fic I wrote few years ago that I reread the other day and really liked. I just went back and added a few lines/fixed some typos, so if anyone wants to go show some love to it, I'd definally apreciate it!

Thanks for the questions! <3

#wesper #wylan van eck #jesper fahey #jazzy writes #six of crows #shadow and bone #jazzy answers questions #good omens fanfiction #good omens

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residentdormouse · 1 year

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Hello! This is your chance to answer this ask with whatever you'd like to talk about right now! Whether that be a story you're working on, something you're excited or worried about, your current book/movie/binge-watch, or a cool bit of trivia you think the world should know.

AHHH Thank you!! 🥰🥺😭 This is incredibly nice, and I can't help but feel like I may have an underwhelming response.

I have found myself in a bit of a creative slump since finishing ‘Diving’. As with any good hyperfix, I never expected to get so caught up in the Stand and its characters (it's all from Glen, let's be honest), and now I'm in year two of being solidly focused on this. One of my longest fixes to date (maybe second to GoT - for Tyrion - but that also had new content coming out regularly to help extend).

Honestly, I expected to get to the end of ‘Diving’ and be ready to move on to the next thing. Hell, I was scared I was going to lose focus and not even finish it, as much as I told myself I would not do that. Usually, my fixes last a year, and while I don’t put my blorbos in a wet box on the side of the road, they usually fall into the background and pop in on occasion, while another fix takes the forefront. But these guys are not leaving my head. Canon and OC alike. They don’t want to leave, and to be fair, I love them and don’t want to see them go. So I don't know if that means another sequel, spin off, a bunch of one shots.... I truly don't know.

With the Stand still taking the wheel (again blaming Glen), I had started into a cross. Picking up at the end of ‘Diving’ and heading to a new world (True Blood) but I'm struggling on the idea still. I have a few pages typed up, and one sketch*. But it's hard to find motivation. And again, being up front, I don’t know if it's even worth it. I know, I know. Write for me. But it is incredibly frustrating to work in a vacuum, and it's hard to push myself when I know there's little chance of anybody reading it and getting enjoyment from it. Truth be told, I almost stopped writing Spiral until an out of the blue amazing comment from @anths-girl gave me the motivation to go on. I am eternally grateful to her, and she has no idea of the positive effect that had on me.

And that’s where I’m at. Until motivation hits me right, I've just been reworking Spiral chapter by chapter (damn the typos... What was I doing?!? You’re being sloppy, girl. Just sloppy.) I also started sketching out a few of my favorite scenes from it, although I feel my skill level is nowhere near where I'd like it to be. Unfortunately, all of this, it's just not scratching the itch the way writing it the first time did.

So here I am. Stuck in limbo. All I can really do is hope inspiration strikes me soon, and in the meantime, I'll keep putzing about in an attempt to find something that strikes me during the process.

But that truly is a shitty ramble in response to a very lovely offer to have the floor to speak openly. So, while it is in no way finished, I guess I can share the sketch I’ve been working on for that cross over I mentioned. I’m still not happy with it, but I feel bad just coming to this with my nonsense, and offering up nothing but sad words.

*True Blood/Stand/OC nonsense below the cut

I need to get the features adjusted, especially on Sam, but it's getting there. Slowly. So slowly...

#thank you for this!!!#it was very thoughtful #and truly appreciated #lovely anon ftw #Mouse is back on her Nonsense

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brainrattlers · 1 year

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Play It Cool - Tyson Jost (38/n)

Pairing: Tyson Jost x OFC (AJ)

Warnings: A little bit of language, some implied naked shenanigans, but honestly I think we're alright.

Word Count: 3525

Need Chapter 37? https://at.tumblr.com/brainrattlers/play-it-cool-tyson-jost-37n/njuzxoktjxn8

Start from the beginning at https://at.tumblr.com/brainrattlers/play-it-cool-tyson-jost-1n/p7no8u1hzuza

Author's Notes: I'm BACK! Decided to hit up a few of the closer Sabres games to me last week, catching both the Dallas and St. Louis games. I think I'm still trying to catch up on sleep... but it was so much fun. The Sabres fans I met at both games were a blast to cheer with. If you happened to see Waldo (of Where's Waldo fame) at the Buffalo/StL game, you found me ;) Thank you all for being patient while I took a little break from writing. And It's nearly 3am so I'm clearly back to my old self - any typos are mine and I'll probably fix them in the morning!

So where were we? Ahhh yes, Tyson and AJ found out the apartment they wanted was available... but he also has a roadie coming up. Will that throw a wrench in the plans to get moved out of the hotel and into a new home?

The next few days were a blur as Tyson was alternating between home and away games, while AJ was finalizing things for a potential move to the new apartment. She had taken the lead on getting things set up, wanting to make the transition as smooth as possible considering it was the middle of the season - moving anytime is stressful. AJ wasn’t connecting the dots though that this is the man that flies all over the continent to play hockey, waking up in different cities, different beds, wasn’t a huge deal. She was probably making it out to be more detrimental to him than it really was.

But more about the apartment, as soon as AJ took Tyson to see it, he knew that was the one. The property manager hadn’t even shown them past the first two rooms but the giddiness on AJ’s face was enough to tell him it was going to be home, at least for now. The master bedroom was huge, with an en suite bath, including both a shower and a bathtub.

(“No more waiting for you to get out of the tub so I can shower, yeah?”

“You’re just as guilty of soaking in a nice hot bath. Don’t think I didn’t notice the missing bath bomb from my basket.”

“Can’t prove it was me.”

“Your legs and torso were slightly shimmery and you smelled of lavender, Jost.”

Tyson sheepishly grinned.)

There was a guest room in case friends or family came into town. Another room that AJ could set up her computer gear, and also work on some art projects. The two figured that a sofa would be super comfy in there as well, one that could turn into a bed for even more guests if necessary. The kitchen was more than large enough for the two of them to dance while doing dishes.

AJ’s favorite part was how many windows lined the walls. She already could envision stands and shelves of plants flanking them, letting the leaves soak up the natural light that flooded the rooms through various hours of the day. To the west, Key Bank Arena and Lake Erie were visible in the distance.

Hearing of her plans, he couldn’t say no. On top of it making AJ happy, it was a short drive to both the practice rink and the arena. It was a trendy, renovated part of town that was busy with restaurants and things to see and do. They’d be up high enough on the twelfth floor to not be bothered with the street noise. It all just felt right.

Needless to say, they signed a lease that day, and would be able to move in within weeks. This posed a small issue for AJ, but she wasn’t going to make mention of it. At least this time around, Tyson insisted on hiring movers to bring all their stuff up, especially with it being on such a high floor. AJ would just have to direct traffic and then unpack boxes, with all the heavy stuff being put into place already. She wasn’t about to argue about that this time around.

With a loss at home against Florida, the team hit the road for Chicago, losing in OT to one of the league’s worst teams. The next two games were at home, against the Islanders and Ducks. The first game was a win, with Tyson netting himself an assist. The next day found Tyson at practice, and AJ helping the movers get furniture put into place, and boxes all loaded up into various rooms. The remaining items at the hotel were starting to dwindle as AJ moved most of their belongings over.

Coming back from practice, Tyson found the hotel room missing AJ as she was in the process of moving some stuff the few blocks over to the new building. He sighed, looking at the garland and lights that still lined the ceiling of their room. Gently he pulled the hooks from the walls, looping the lights and shiny garland neatly and placing it in one of the empty bins. He honestly was going to miss it at the new place, even though that very same new place was home.

Even when AJ came back to pick up more stuff, the lack of twinkling lights reflecting against the walls made the place feel empty.

With most everything moved over, the last few things in the room were just pillows, a few sets of clothes, and the last few items needed in the bathroom. AJ had made mention it was going to take a while to get some stuff unpacked, and with Tyson going on the road here in a few days, that maybe they could officially “move in” once he returned. Her outward intent was to get most everything unpacked while he was gone, but that was going to be a little difficult as she actually had some plans already in the works for something else.

The two slept hard that night in the hotel, after moving and unpacking a few boxes, as well as rearranging some furniture. The next morning, AJ was back at it, while Tyson had morning skate before the Anaheim game. Taking some time off, she snagged a ticket and made her way to the arena to cheer on the Sabres with a 6-3 victory. Tyson had a pretty good night, another assist and some pretty good numbers in the box score.

One final night together in the hotel… AJ had issues keeping Tyson focused on getting packed up for the four game roadie, which would send him to Dallas, St. Louis, Winnipeg, and ending in St. Paul. Tyson’s interests were more about some late night shenanigans to literally go out with a bang before officially moving into the new apartment. While getting his backpack filled and his suit laid out for the trip, AJ was trying to secretly pack her own backpack, giving the reason of “oh this is my last bag of stuff to go over.”

Little did Tyson know that, while technically true, that bag was going to be making some of the same stops on the roadie.

That Sunday morning, Tyson had morning practice before heading to the airport. In the same time frame, AJ go the last of their stuff moved from the hotel, and she herself headed to the airport, boarding a different plane. She felt awful for what she was about to do.

AJ: Hey babe, I’m pretty exhausted and am going to crash for a bit. Text me when you land?

She wasn’t lying. The motion sickness pills she downed as she got to the airport were kicking in and she likely was going to sleep on the plane. But all the same, AJ felt a little dirty about it.

Right before takeoff, AJ’s phone, which was supposed to be in airplane mode (seriously, who actually puts their phone in airplane mode when flying?), buzzed in her hand.

Tyson: Sleep well babe, only a few more sleeps until we’re both back in our bed. Heading to the airport here in a bit. Ily

A smile hit AJ’s face, thinking about having a space that was truly theirs, with their own things, and room to move around, and could set up everything the way they wanted. As the plane took off, she fidgeted with the engagement ring on her finger, focusing on it, rather than the upward movement of the plane that made her dizzy. Once at cruising altitude, AJ indeed fell asleep to one of Tyson’s house mixes. It took the passenger next to her tapping her on the shoulder to wake her up as they were landing at DFW - what felt like minutes later, but really was hours.

Collecting her bag and trekking through the airport, AJ found her way to the Orange Line, and took the train into Dallas. It was a quiet day on the train, considering it was not a weekday. Watching out the windows, she took in views she’d never seen before. Hopping off at Victory Station, which spit her out right by the arena, leaving the rest of the way to her hotel as about a half mile walk. Checking in, she made her way to the third floor and faceplanted on the bed.

Tyson: On the ground in Dallas. Miss you already. How’s unpacking?

AJ looked around and saw her bag sitting on the ottoman in her room.

AJ: Honestly haven’t really unpacked much. Kind of relaxing at the moment honestly.

Tyson: Understand completely, no big rush. I think we’re going out for dinner. Talk more later?

AJ: Of course. Have fun! (heart emoji)

Looking at her watch, AJ was trying to figure out what to do with her evening. She didn’t want to chance somehow bumping into Tyson going out for dinner, but at the same time, everything nearby was stupidly pricey in her eyes. In a last minute decision, she put in an order online for Shake Shack, and walked to Crescent Court to pick it up. Thankfully, unlike the last time AJ was at Crescent Court with Jess the year before, there were no team buses or players around. With food in tow, she arrived back at her hotel, sprawling out on the sofa to enjoy dinner and a movie.

It was driving her nuts though knowing Tyson was maybe a mile away, but she’d see him soon enough.

With a few texts, both insisted they were needing sleep, and that they’d talk more Monday.

Snagging breakfast at the hotel, AJ contemplated what to do before the game that evening. Checking out what was nearby, she walked to the Dallas Museum of Art, taking in a wide variety of pieces by famous artists. At the same time Tyson was a half mile away getting ready for morning skate, with a strange feeling. He couldn’t pinpoint what it was, but something definitely felt odd.

Tyson missed AJ, but it wasn’t the same as other roadies. He had butterflies in his stomach for some reason.

After finishing up at the museum, AJ got in a nap before getting cleaned up and heading to the arena. There were a surprising number of Sabres fans at American Airlines Center. Getting down to the glass on the Sabres’ warmup side, AJ knew where Tyson would be warming up. She had a tiny sign that would fit in her backpack she traveled with.

The fans congregated together, chatting about where everyone was from and who everyone’s favorite players were. While she agreed that Thompson and Dahlin were great players, AJ made mention that Tyson Jost was her favorite. The guy with the kid next to her looked at her weird, but another person piped up, commenting on what a great pickup he was for the Sabres. It made her heart happy.

Looking around the end of the ice, there were a number of other signs for players, including a couple more for Tyson. Impatiently waiting until the 16:00 mark was tough for AJ, but the team took to the ice tossing pucks at Anderson playing in his 700th game. Her eyes followed Tyson around, where they did their initial drills. Tyson went to the other side of the glass, reading a poster another fan had, offering a choice of candy, probably for a puck. He skated back to the bench with something and tossed it to the equipment manager before grabbing a puck and starting his own stickhandling drill.

Not even paying attention, he drilled the puck into the boards directly under AJ’s feet and caught the rebound on his stick. Looking up, he saw a small poster, and then looked up even further to see who was holding it. The smile on his face couldn’t be contained as he skated closer, mouthing “Hey you!” as AJ gave a tiny wave. Leaning down, he got a puck on his stick and sent it over the glass to the kid directly next to her, fist bumping him through the glass. The butterflies in Tyson’s stomach from earlier now made sense.

The guy who previously looked at AJ weird for saying Jost was her favorite tapped her on the shoulder.

“What was that?”

“We’ve known each other since he played for Colorado. Thought I’d surprise him at the game.” AJ chuckled.

With warmups complete, and in fact, Buffalo stayed on the ice longer than the warmup clock lasted just to get under the skin of the Stars, AJ found her seat behind the Sabres’ bench. Luckily it was filled with other Sabres fans and she made some new friends that night. The game started off not so great with the Stars scoring within the first two minutes, but the Sabres fired back later in the first. The game went silent in the 2nd, but in the third period, the Sabres scored early to have a 2-1 lead. Later in the period, the Stars tied it up. Throughout the game, Tyson glanced back finding AJ cheering for the team in white and blue.

The Sabres held on to take it to OT.

“I’m standing up,” Dan, AJ’s new friend sitting next to her, stated. “With our top lines out there 3-on-3, this isn’t going to last long. We’re standing up.”

Everyone stood up behind the bench, which pissed off the row behind them, but it was well worth it. Power scored fifty-six seconds into the overtime period, giving the Sabres the win. The Sabres fans cheered, while the Stars fans were left sulking as they walked the stairs to the concourse of the arena. The team piled into the dressing room, and headed for the airport as they were to play St. Louis the next day.

Tyson: EGGO you’re crazy for flying out here! I love you for it though, made my night.

AJ: Crazy about YOU! Fun game. Wish I were flying with you tonight.

Tyson: Me too. When do you fly out?

AJ had to word this very carefully.

AJ: My flight is at 11:15. Figured I could at least score some breakfast before I leave (lol emoji)

Tyson: Text me when you land? We’re taking off.

AJ: You know it babe. Safe travels, love you!

AJ was asleep when the next text hit her phone, of Tyson landing in St. Louis. He was glad she seemingly slept through it. As much as he still loved getting to say “text you when I land” and then doing so, he always felt a little pang of guilt if she’d text back at 3am wherever she was in comparison. At the same time he did enjoy some of her sleepy text typos, and imagining her bleary-eyed in bed texting him back.

What did wake AJ up was her alarm so she would make it downstairs to, yes, get breakfast, pack up, and take the train back to DFW. Not thinking fully about the weather when she packed, as soon as she took a few steps onto the sidewalk of Harry Hines Blvd, it started raining, and she did not pack her umbrella. Walking under overhangs as much as she could, which was tough around the arena because there aren’t any, AJ was becoming more and more soggy as she reached the train stop. Thankfully she made it just in time for the Orange line back, and sat back as it poured down rain the whole way to the airport. Once through security, she sat next to a window with a mint hot chocolate from Dunkin watching the rain.

A quick text was sent as she boarded the plane, and was finally in the air. A bit later, she was on the ground again. AJ’s Lyft driver was awesome, the two chatted the whole way from the airport to her destination. However, that text she said she’d send was a little delayed.

AJ: Hey, on the ground. How was your flight?

Tyson: It was alright, got in around 1am like you saw. Yours?

AJ: Not bad. Hoped I’d get some sleep but didn’t. Oh damn it’s almost time for you to get ready to play, isn’t it? Kick some ass tonight, Jost. (heart emoji)

Tyson: Only because you said so. Going to miss you in the stands, last night spoiled me.

AJ: You’ll see me soon enough. I’ll be watching the game, cheering you on!

Tyson stared at the last message, getting that odd feeling he had in Dallas again.

“Surely she isn’t here… no… she went back home, right?”

A few of the guys in the dressing room noticed how antsy Tyson was to get out onto the ice for warmups. Kyle was giving him shit for the fact AJ was in Dallas to surprise him the night before, and how he was acting like his kids do when they are excited to be going out for ice cream. The feeling in Tyson’s stomach wasn’t subsiding. He was fidgeting with the tape on his stick waiting for the moment they could take the ice.

Keeping his normal focus was difficult as warmups began, and he started scanning the glass. There were a number of fans, both for the Sabres and Blues already lined up. With a deep breath he went back to doing drills, trying to push the butterflies down. Okie skated up along the boards and stopped, looking back and winking at the person behind him.

As the team drills wound down, Tyson went back toward the center line doing some stretches, when someone caught his eye. Squinting, suddenly his eyes went wide as he continued warming up his legs. Hopping up, he grabbed a puck to do his drills between the blue line and the faceoff circle.

Finishing up, he attempted to get the puck to hop onto his stick blade, but he missed not once, but twice. Looking up, his face was a little flushed as he smiled at AJ, still fumbling around. Reaching down, trying to just simply pick up the puck with his gloves, Tyson still was struggling. Finally with the puck in his hands, and his face now full on blushing, he got the puck over to the kids slapping the glass next to her. With a look back and wink at AJ, he felt like the luckiest man on Earth that his fiancee was at the game again, even if she weren’t behind the bench this time around.

There were definitely less Sabres fans at this game in St. Louis than in Dallas, but AJ made the best of it with her #LETSGOBUFFALO sign as she sat behind the Sabres Attack Twice goal. What made it even better was the 5-3 win over the Blues… especially with AJ’s history with games in St. Louis.

What made the night less stellar was that St. Louis was under a winter storm warning until noon the next day, and AJ’s flight was leaving the next morning at 5:40AM, with her Lyft coming at 3:10AM. She was terrified of one of three things happening:

She was going to oversleep, the original plan was actually to stay awake until her ride arrived.

Her ride was going to cancel and she would have no way to get to the airport on time.

The airport was going to shut down due to the weather.

Thankfully none of these happened, and she did in fact make it to the airport in time. After getting through security (being harassed by a rather rude TSA agent that thought she had something on her ankle, which, surprise, there was nothing but her ankle there), she made her way to Starbucks to snag a drink and prepare for the first of two flights. The snow was really starting to come down though and made her worried.

Just like Tyson’s gut was telling him something the previous few days, her’s was now talking to her.

Tyson and the team had flown out of St. Louis after the game thankfully, and he was safe on the ground in Winnipeg.

Knowing he was asleep, AJ just sent a quick note that she was at the airport, indeed going back to Buffalo, as much as she wanted to continue the roadie with him. She was nervous about the weather, hoping to make her connection as she was already delayed 40 minutes. The plus side, the flight wasn’t full and she ended up getting her own row on that flight.

On the ground in Dallas again, she was stressing hardcore about the connection, it was in a completely different terminal. But the flight deities smiled upon AJ that day and somehow getting out of the jetway and down the hallway, she found herself in Terminal B, right near her gate that had not yet started boarding.

AJ: Made my connection, heading home to Buffalo. (heart emoji)

Tyson looked sleepily at his phone screen with one eye, then put it back on the nightstand next to him. A warm feeling filled his chest upon seeing AJ call Buffalo “home.”

#Tyson Jost #Josty #Play It Cool #Tyson Jost x OFC #TysonTuesday #Buffalo Sabres #Colorado Avalanche

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snacc-noir · 6 months

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Hi!! Dies of all your fox? Awesome! I love it so much- I literally read the whole thing in a day and then read it again. I can’t stop. Chapter 32 is maybe the best yet- tho u killed me with that cliffhanger. …on an unrelated note, any idea when ch. 33 will be finished? I know ur a human with your own life, but I’m a hungry da girl and I need my angst. Thanks! And again, love ur fic!

Ahhh I LOVE when people tell me their favourite chapter!!! But ok the fact you read it twice that quick is crazy and I hope you ignored the typos I don't wanna go back and fix

AND CHAPTER 33. SHE DOES NOT WANNA BE WRITTEN. LIKE WHAT EVEN HAPPENS NEXT THATS EXACTLY WHAT IM THINKING TOO

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i-sveikata · 1 year

Note

💫🎀💞💌 for the fic writer asks!

ahhh thank you!!!

💫what is your favorite kind of comment/feedback?

i did already answer this but i forgot to say i really appreciate the ones that point out typos or errors ive missed so i can go back and fix them. or even like if there's a continuity error i made somewhere those can be super helpful too!

🎀give yourself a compliment about your own writing

i do really love some of the plots i come up with. it really does make it such a joy to write something unusual and interesting and i do think that comes across in my fic ideas

💞what's the most important part of a story for you? the plot, the characters, the world building, the technical stuff (grammar etc), the figurative language

definitely the character's relationship- the tension, the intimacy, the romance and how im going to make it all come together. to me if the dynamic between the pairing isnt interesting then no matter how fantastic the plot, the world building, the language etc it's never going to be enough to make up for that lack of chemistry.

💌share something with us about an up-and-coming work (WIP) that has you excited!

omg lol was literally thinking of this this afternoon as i drove home from work! so for everyone reading along with my current WIP there's finally gonna be a sex scene in the next chap ;)

#lets get real fic writer asks #fic writer asks #thanks for sending these in!!!

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scandalousfemale · 2 years

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NITHI THE UPDATE ON LOVE IS A BATTLEFIELD HAS MADE MY DAY!!! WHEN I FIND THE TIME, IM GONNA REREAD IT ALL AND THE NEW CHAPTER GAHHH THAT SERIES IS SOOOOO GOOD 🤩🤩🤩

AHHH THANK YOU!! Me running to the other chapters trying to fix typos and inconsistencies 🏃🏻‍♀️💨💨💨

#the emoji kind of just look like I farted but you know what I mean #I love Anna #also thank you for supporting me and being excited about this piece of work that like only three people kept up with. you are amazing!#also you might just be the only reason I even post it up because I know you enjoy it as much I do #thank you thank you thank you x10000

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marthaskane · 5 years

Photo

When it was happening... it was like nothing else existed. Everything I've been struggling with... emptiness... and confusion... it just vanished. For the first time, in a long time, I knew I was going to be okay. I knew that whatever Sonny did to me... I could take it. That he couldn't break me. That no one can.

#gothamedit #gotham #brucewayneedit #bruce wayne #gotham spoilers #usereclaire #*points* THAT'S MY SON!!!!!#i'm so proud of him #mine #mine: gifs #mine: gotham #ch: bruce wayne #tv: gotham #my son #ahhh i managed to fix the typo

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newervegas · 2 years

Text

🦇🥀🖤

#THE DARN GLITCH I KEEP FORGETTING ABOUT IT ✨🤧#i go to edit tags and then im like ohhh i duplicated that tag or something has typos and then it’s like gone zinzjxkx #ahhh manifesting for a fix soon ✨🤧#my brain is a fried egg but i need to focus on catching up with my inbox HUGE ✨😖#but also the leg urge to rb new ask games jsjxjxjxk HELP #type: personal musings #will probably delete this later if i don’t forget that is sihxhx ✨🤧

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harrysddtittys · 3 years

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Could you maybe write something where Harry is a single father to maybe a girl. And just write how he’d deal with her terrible twos. Like from morning to night or something like that? 🥺

wow i finally got a requestttt!!! here you go! I know nothing about young children, so i don’t even know if this is an accurate description of a 2 y/o lol. but i hope you like it <33

Warnings: fluffff, dadrry, most likely some typos :)

Masterlist ❣︎ Requests

Piece of work

“Oh my God, Lani.” Harry groaned, groggily, as he was pulled out of his sleep by his daughter sitting on his back and yelling “Daddy, wake up!” in an playful voice. As much as he tries to pretend to not to like being woken up so obnoxiously every morning, they both know he loves for the first thing he hears every day to be his little girl yelling in his ear.

He lays there for a couple more minutes, wanting to sleep for a little bit longer, but gives up when he realizes she’s not going to be quiet until he gets up. “Okay, okay. I’m awake. Calm down.”

When he says that, she immediately gets off his back so that he can sit up, sitting next to him. He looks over at her. She’s wearing a random shirt of her’s that she doesn’t really wear other than to sleep, and her pull-up that she wears to prevent wetting the bed at night, and she has a head full of curly, unruly hair. He just smiles, so in awe of the fact he helped create something so beautiful.

Fatherhood was by far the best thing that ever happened to Harry. The second he looked his little girl, Alani in the eyes, he instantly felt the connection. He loves her with his entire being. But she can definitely be a lot to handle

She turned two not even three months ago. Harry Honestly thought the “terrible two’s” stage was a myth. Boy, was he wrong. The tantrums hit like lightning. Not only is she in her terrible two’s, but she’s naturally very stubborn, and sassy. She definitely got that from him. He swears she’s a 13 year old in a 2 year olds body.

“G’morning, bug.” He says, sitting up slowly because of the stiff joints from not moving much all night. “Good morning, daddy!” She squeals excitedly. Once he’s fully sat up, Alani jumps on him, throwing her tiny arms around him, causing Harry to chuckle. She gets so excited when he wakes up for the day.

He wraps his arms around her and squeeze her lightly, but grunting as if he’s squeezing her as tight as he can, making her giggle. “Did you sleep good?” He questions, quietly. “Yeah.” She mumbles, feeling so content where she is, like in her dad’s arms is the best place in the world. “V’got some things to do today. Y’wanna go run some errands with daddy?” This causes her to pull away from him with with wide eyes, nodding eagerly. The biggest smile spreads across Harry’s features. “Yeah?” Which she responds to by nodding again.

“Then we gotta get ready, bub. Y’hungry?” He asks to which she responds with a simple “Yes.” “Alright let’s go eat.” When he says that, Alani gets down off the bed, before sprinting out of his room, and toward the kitchen full speed. “Stop running!” He slightly scolds, hearing her tiny feet padding down the hallway at a much slower speed than before.

He always gets so nervous when she’s running around, but especially when she’s running in the house. She’s so wild and crazy, yet so clumsy. Constantly falling, and running into things. She rarely actually gets hurt. Most of the time she moves on from it like nothing happened. But it scares the absolute shit out of Harry every time.

When he enters the kitchen, he sees Alani standing next to the counter. As soon as he’s in her line of vision she starts pointing to the box of cinnamon toast crunch. “Daddy, this?” with pleading eyes. Harry just laughs. He doesn’t let her eat those than often for breakfast, because of how sweet they are, choosing to fix something on the healthier side for them to eat instead. But today he figured it wouldn’t hurt to let her have a little bowl of it before the day starts.

He goes over to the little girl who is still aggressively pointing at the box of cereal, ending down to pick her up. “Alright, alright. Hold you’re horses, will you?” He coos softly. He gently sits her down on at the kitchen table before returning back over to the counter. He opens the cabinet, pulling out a small bowl. When he’s finished making her cereal, he grabs her one of her baby spoons before serving it to her. “Thank you!” she says loudly. “You’re welcome, princess.” he chuckles.

Harry doesn’t like cinnamon toast crunch, it’s way to sweet for him. He decides he’ll just pop a bagel in the toaster and call it a day.

* * *

Once they’ve finished breakfast, they got completely ready for the day, and we’re soon ready to head out. Harry turns around to look at his daughter. She’s dressed in a denim dress, with a white t-shirt underneath, and white tennis shoes. Her hair’s brushed up into two sleek pigtails, which he’d become a pro at over the past couple years. Harry decided on a white t-shirt with a gray pair of pants. “Y’ready t’go, love?” he asked, feeling around his pockets to make sure he had everything. “Mhm!”

once they’re out to the car, Harry straps Alani into her car seat in the back, peppering kisses all over her tiny face once she’s all buckled in. “Daddy!” She squeals. Giggling, he closes the door, and goes around to the drivers side, getting in and powering the car on. “Alright, let’s roll.” he sighs, turning around to back out of the driveway.

They needed to stop at the grocery store, just to stock up on some things they needed around the house. So that’s where they were headed to now.

“Daddy, look! Red!” Alani exclaimed, pointing at the red car that was next to them. “Yes, that is red, baby, good job!” Harry beams. “Y’so smart.”

They continue driving toward their local grocery. Harry looks into his rear view mirror to check in Alani, and catches her staring at him. She’s always staring at him. It seems to be her favorite thing to do. He pulls the silliest face he could think of, causing her to burst into laughter. Harry laughs right along with her. Her laugh is so contagious. “Do it again!” She giggles. Harry happily obliges, pulling the goofy face once more, causing her angelic little laugh to engulf his ears.

After a little while of driving, they finally reached their destination, pulling into the grocery store parking lot. Alani watches her dad get out of the car, patiently waiting for him to make his way around to her side to get her out of the car. Soon enough, he does, taking her out of her cars seat and carrying her on his hip as the go into the store.

* * *

“Daddy, Daddy! Can I have that?” Alani asks loudly, pointing to something. “Shhh, you have to use your inside voice, darling.” Harry reminds her gently. He looks over to where she was pointing and not to his surprise, he sees a doll on the shelf. He’s grown to hate telling her no, but they didn’t come for toys, and she has more than enough at home already. “No, my love. Not today.” Her face immediately dropped. “But… but please?” She whines, her lip quivering. Harry hates that she’s disappointed but he knows he can’t give in. “No, baby. You don’t have to cry. Just not today, okay?” he says gently.

That doesn’t help, considering her whimpers are quickly turning into loud wails, and he knows the meltdown is coming. “Lani, it’s okay. You have plenty of toys at home to play with.” he try’s to reason but it doesn’t stop the tears that are slowly rolling down her face, and the loud, attention drawing cries. People were starting to look, and Harry was starting to get frustrated, but she was only 2. He knew she was still learning how to deal with her emotions. But when your kid is having a complete meltdown, and screaming in the middle of a store over a doll, that’s definitely a bit annoying.

Harry leans down to be face to face with her in her, who’s seated in the cart. “Alani, I know you’re upset, but you’re not going to scream.” He says softly, but slightly sternly. She looks at her dad, still crying but visibly calming down. Harry waits for her whines to die down completely before asking her “Are we okay now? Can we keep shopping?” to which she responds to with a nod.

After picking up just a few more essentials, they’re in line, waiting to check out. Harry looks down at Alani, realizing she’s been pretty silent ever since she stopped crying. He sees her with the all too familiar scowl on her face, with a pout of her lips. “Why are you looking so evil, bub?” Harry asked, with a gentle shake of his head. She doesn’t respond, but she doesn’t need to because he already knows she’s mad at him for refusing to buy her a doll.

He just rolls his eyes and try’s not to laugh. She really is something else. But he knows that she’s genuinely mad at him and him not taking her seriously will set her off again.

Eventually, they make their way up to the front of the line to check out, and soon enough their heading back out to the car. Harry looks at her, as he’s loading all the groceries into the trunk of his car to see that she still has the same mean look on her face. “Y’gonna stay mad at daddy all day, huh?” He teases her solely for his own enjoyment, knowing she’s much to busy trying to have an attitude to laugh at anything he says. She nods silently, still refusing to speak to him. Harry can’t help but laugh at that, knowing that wasn’t true in the slightest. “Y’have to learn t’take ‘no’ for an answer, baby love.” He sighs.

When they’re in the car in the way home, Harry looks at her in the mirror, pulling some silly faces like he was doing earlier. She sees him, and while she was still trying to hold her angry face, he can see the smile tugging at her lips. He doesn’t stop until her scowl is completely replaced by a smile, her beautiful laugh ringing through his ears, making his heart flutter with joy.

“Ahhh, I thought you were mad!” Harry laughs, causing her to laugh along with him, knowing she failed her attempt at holding a grudge on him. “Are we gonna be friends again?” Harry asks jokingly. “Yeah, we’re friends again!” Alani states matter of factly, causing Harry to chuckle.

This child really was a little piece of work, but he loves her nonetheless.

“Good.”

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chasingpj · 3 years

Text

𝐞𝐱𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬

pairing: leo valdez x gn reader

summary: five ways he says i love you through his actions

warnings: implied nudity and s*x, discusses food and eating and nothing else, i think. oh, and maybe some typos

category: headcanons

love letters/notes

leo is a busy boy

he's always picking up new projects so he can spend all day in his workshop or the forges with his siblings

when you guys live together, he leaves small notes on the refrigerator for you

they're always short, saying simple things like "i love you" and "i miss you already"

for the love letters, he'll leave them in random places for you to find

if you're a big reader, i can see him hiding it between the pages of your book

one day, you pick up your book to read, and the note falls on your lap

it's a love letter written on a piece of blueprint paper; there’s a little bit of oil smudged on the side of it

he got distracted while he was working on something because you were the only thing he could think about

his love letters never fail to make your heart flutter

sometimes they make you cry

he's quite sentimental

leo always tells you he does better writing down his feelings than he is saying it out loud because he can organize his thoughts better

you know that leo has a hard time with that because of how he grew up

when you guys have an argument, which isn't very often, he writes his feelings down on paper

he's always quick to apologize if he did something wrong, and the notes help him form the apology that you deserve, and you're quick to forgive him

once, you were super angry after an argument, so you locked yourself in your shared bedroom

you needed to calm yourself down

the both of you much too angry and stubborn to make a compromise

as your recollecting yourself, 40 minutes in, a folded piece of paper slips from under the door

the letter has teardrop stains, and the ink is slightly smudged

on the paper, it's all his thoughts written out in the best way he can explain them

after reading what he wrote, you quickly deemed that whatever you were fighting about was silly, and you guys made up

you love his spontaneous notes so much that you do them back

you guys have a game of who can find the most creative hiding spot for your notes

one time you found one tapped to the inside of the toilet cover

you found it hilarious

you throw folded post-its with messages in his tool belt

he finds them during the day while he's working on something

after you joined in on the fun, he scatters notes in random places, and every few days, you find a new message hidden somewhere randomly

they're just so sweet; there’s never a time where they don't make you smile

gifts

this is a given

it's not a leo headcanon if gift-giving isn't included

he would make you things like roses from scrap metal to literal furniture

if you have a lot of jewelry, he will make you a cute jewelry box

if you're a big book reader, he'll make you bookcases to support your book collection

he's always giving you little trinkets that he made with leftover materials from projects

he loves making things for you and gets upset when you decide to buy something from ikea instead of asking him

"babe, why would you buy that? I could have just made it for you!"

when he's on his way from returning on his quest, sometimes he'll find something that reminds him of you in a store, and he'll buy it

when he has the money for it, he'd buy you a star :(

says that he spent even more money to buy an extra bright star

because "you're the sun in my universe"

brb gonna cry

also, he'd gift you a bond bracelet

you know, those bracelets where every time you tap on it, it makes the other person's bracelet vibrate

the both of you get anxious when one of you goes on quests, so the bracelets bring the other person who's at home comfort

because when you tap back, at least he knows you're alive and vice versa

one of the best gifts you've ever received from him was your engagement ring

he made it himself

he took so much care and effort into making it

imagine leo forging your wedding ring himself??? i'm in spain with no s

he was so nervous that you wouldn't like the style, so he had piper casually bring it up to you

piper was so nonchalant about it that you didn't even think twice about the question

the ring has the prettiest gemstone or diamond (whatever you prefer)

you cried so hard when he told you he made it himself that you couldn't even say yes to his proposal clearly

he makes both of your wedding bands too

he carves a saying that's dear to the both of you on the inside

this is nothing to do with anything but imagine when you guys have kids, he makes animals out of pipe cleaners for them i'm gonna cry, brb pt 2

overall, whether he makes the present himself or not, he puts a lot of effort and care into it

every gift has a meaning and a place dear to your heart

cooking for you

leo is canoningly a good cook

he loves cooking for you

and you love eating what he makes

he's usually busy on the weekdays, so he cooks on the weekends

you guys always joke that he'd be the cutest househusband

you got him an apron for Christmas as a joke gift one year, and he wears it all the time

there's something so charming about him wearing an apron with a funny saying like "Mr. Good Lookin is Cookin" or with like a ripped out shirtless guy in front of it

you giggle every time you see him wearing it

oh, no matter how many times you've seen it, it's still so bizarre when he takes out hot trays from the oven with his BARE hands

everything he makes tastes amazing

he makes all kinds of food and is always trying something new

if you tell him what you’re craving, he’ll cook it for you

once he woke you up to ask if you wanted ribs… it was 3 am but like, of course, you wanted some

unless you're vegetarian or vegan, sorry, HAHA

often though, he does make Mexican food

it reminds him of when his mom was alive

he always has some story to share

every time he makes caldo de pollo (chicken soup), he always talks about how his mother would make it in the summer and that when he was little, he would always complain about eating hot soup in hot weather

you know he doesn't notice his constant telling of this story, but you don't mind

it's so bittersweet when he talks about his mom

through the cooking of his traditional food, you feel closer to him and his late mother

the memories he shares with you makes your eyes sting with tears

especially when leo says how much he wishes that esperanza could have met you

sorry, that was a little emo

also, leo usually wakes up earlier than you

he knows you're a sleepyhead, so he'll cook breakfast for you

so that when you're running around in the morning trying to get dressed and your things together

you never leave the house hungry because there's always a tupperware filled with breakfast, and if he has enough time, he'll fix you something to take for lunch too

if you come home late from work or school, he'll make dinner even if he's tired to surprise you

so many times you've come home from a shitty day at work or school, and the small table where you guys eat your meals is all set up with your favorite food

leo greets you by peeking his head into the hallway from the kitchen, tossed curls, cheerful brown eyes, and a bright grin

"I hope you're hungry," he says, despite knowing that you are hungry

and then you guys talk and laugh together over a delicious meal

compliments

leo's really observant

he notices when you’re in a bad mood, even if you try not to show it

he also notices when you change little things about your appearance

if you get a haircut or you get your nails done, he'll comment on it right away

especially outfits

if you buy something new, he'll complement it

imagine standing in front of the mirror, looking at yourself in your new outfit

leo comes behind you, his hands coming around your waist

he'll pepper kisses on your neck, a soft hum leaving his lips as he meets your eyes in the mirror

"is this new, mi amor?" he asks, hands running up your sides

once you affirm that it is a new dress or shirt, he'll smile and tell you how beautiful you look in it

maybe says he'd rather see it off of you wink wink

there's never a day where he doesn't compliment you

he thinks you're the prettiest person in the world

you've caught him staring at you lovingly plenty of times

he's just asking himself how did he manage to get someone as beautiful and amazing as you

you always squirm under his gaze and playfully ask what is he looking at

"you're so pretty, mi amor. I can't help it."

AHHH!!!!

alongside the endearment of mi amor, he'd always call you bonita and hermosa

you're so sweet to him, and he can't help but tell you how much you mean to him every chance he gets

surprises

leo is an acts of service kind of guy

i think he'll spontaneously do things to make you happy

if you've been busy studying for finals or just beat up from a day at work

he'll draw you a bath

or he'll cut up some fruit for you and leave it at your desk

he randomly buys you flowers

he never needs an occasion to buy your flowers

it'll be a regular tuesday, leo just happened to walk past a store with flowers displayed in the front, and he thought about how bright your smile would be if he showed up with a bouquet

I feel like he's pretty introverted, enjoys being at home with you

the both of you are pretty broke for a while, so a lot of dates were at home

leo made the most of it

you guys will have nice dinners at home

he'll set the table nicely, set the mood with candles

he'll redecorate the space so well you feel like you're at an actual restaurant

and of course, his food is amazing

breakfast in bed is another thing he'd do for you unsolicited

especially if you guys had a looong night wink wink

you're woken up by his still groggy voice, fluttering kisses on your cheeks

you open your eyes to see he's set a tray with your favorite breakfast on top of the bed

the two of you will eat breakfast together, which usually leads to you staying in bed for the rest of the day

just enjoying the warm cocoon your sheets create around the both of you

overall, he's super observant and caring, and he goes the extra mile to make sure you're happy because he knows you do the same

anyways, does anyone know where I can get a leo?

masterlists taglist: @nct127bee @minamisulemisa @yanfeisluvr @cartocns @Slytherclaw-kitten @idk-bye-no @percysbluehairbrush @Hermioneswifeee @quteez @drayshadow @ashookykooky

#my writing #leo valdez #leo valdez x reader #leo valdez x you #heroes of olympus #heroes of olympus fanfic #heroes of olympus fanfiction #leo valdez imagine #leo valdez one shot #leo valdez fanfic #leo valdez fluff #leo valdez drabble #leo valdez headcanon

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bill-y · 3 years

Text

INURE

Peeta mellark x male reader

We all know who Katniss Everdeen is, but what if Primrose hadn't been chosen but another boy from another unfortunate family? YOUR family.

Info: This is basically a reader insert and I've changed a few rules, not ground breaking though. The reader is a bit bland for now but I plan for his actions to be different. Because he has different moral grounds from Katniss and such. Would appreciate feedback! FEEL FREE TO POINT OUT TYPOS. GRAMMARLY SOMETIMES DOESN'T DO MY DYSLEXIC ASS JUSTICE

Part one: You're here right now. :)

Part two: Over there, pepperoni. :)

Wattpad account: L0calxDumbass

—--—---—---—----—----—----—---

I sighed, smiling as I watched my brother gather flowers. It was the early morning, I had to go out hunting soon, but then again, it wouldn't hurt to keep him company for a while.

"Nal," I called, it was a nickname short for his name, Kunal. An odd name, to say the least. Mother told me it meant Lotus, her favourite flower.

His strawberry blonde hair swayed towards me, a smile forming on his face. He held a couple of lily's in his hands, his blue eyes glittering. "Y/n!" he said back, waving towards me.

I slowly walked towards him, squatting down next to him. He gave me a lily from his makeshift bouquet, humming. "Look at what I got!" he exclaimed.

I chuckled, roughly putting my hand on his head, messing with his hair. He groaned and in retaliation, he pulled on one of my small braids. It was something my father used to do to my hair when we went off to the woods. I used to hate it, but now I wear it every day, quite funny, really.

"Ow—hey, I just fixed that you little—" I let out, pulling my hand off his head as he let out an unprovoked yell. "AHHH MOM, Y/N'S SWEARING AGAIN!"

I sighed, managing to pry him off me, our heads turning towards our mother, she had the same hair and features as my brother, maybe that's why she preferred him over me.

"Kunal, get inside, time for breakfast!" she called, waving him over. Nal said a small "bye-bye", waving at me before running to our mother who welcomed him with open arms.

She looked at me, I could feel her icy glare. But beyond all of that, her eyes showed a little bit of concern, as if she's afraid. It made sense, district 12 wasn't the kindest of places, illegal hunting is dangerous and she was my mother, after all.

I watched as my brother gave him the lilies, a smile forming on her lips, her eyes wrinkling. My hands tensed a little, I passed it off to the chilly breeze, not wanting to think about this in the early morning. "Bye," I muttered, turning away as I went towards the woods.

My hands gripped the rough bark, scaling up a tree with little to no effort. I arrived at a certain spot, reaching into a hole where my hunting equipment was hidden.

I pulled out a small set of thin, throwing daggers. I looked at it, gripping the leather strapping on the handle. This was the reason, the reason everything went downhill that day.

Yet I still keep it, to honour my father. This set was one of the only things he left when he was executed in the most painful way possible. I let out a hitched breath at the thought of it, holstering it on my belt.

I pulled out a hunting bow, something my friend gave me. I wasn't the best at it, I was better at throwing more than anything. It was worth learning though, it was best used when hunting smaller game like rabbits and squirrels.

To my right, was a nest of mocking birds. I whistled a basic 3 tunes to them, which they listened to and replicated. My lips formed into a small smile, waving at the birds before I leapt to another tree.

My father taught me how to traverse the forest through trees. I remember falling every time I leapt from tree to tree, my father laughing as he caught my hand. Sometimes I'd just fall to the ground, resisting the urge to cry as I insisted to try again.

He and I have a lot in common, I took more after my father more than I did my mother. Both physically and mentally. While my mother was more grounded, my father would never shut up about freedom and life without the capitol.

It wasn't something ideal for life like this. Any word or action against the capitol and you can get executed right on the spot, something I had to learn the hard way.

I've always found the ground limiting, the coal dust in the air quite suffocating. Unlike in these heights, where the air was fresh, cool. You saw so much more, moved so much more. It was a taste of freedom, something I've always wanted.

I arrived at a location hidden away from unwanted eyes. Landing on a large rock ledge that was reachable from above if you leapt or swung far enough. Of course, there were times where I didn't stick the landing and ended up in the thicket of berry bushes, ending up with several, stinging, unwanted "friends".

"I'm early for once," I huffed, grinning as I laid down the rock. I put my leg on top of the other, using my hands to support my head. A small, yellow butterfly landed on my nose, making me smile.

"Hey, owl eyes," A voice boomed, making the butterfly fly away. My brows furrowed as I looked in the direction of the voice. "Finally stopped daydreaming of burning the Capitol down?" he teased, grinning.

I shot him a look, "Mhmm," I hummed, "Daydreaming of throwing them off a cliff instead," I said, making him snort.

"And how do you plan to do that?" He asked, smirking. I threw a small rock at his forehead, scoffing. "Shut it, Gale" I retorted.

He rolled his eyes, a mischievous look on his face "I was going to give you some of this bread I shot, but since you're like that, I guess I'll just have to share this with Catnip," he said, holding up a loaf of bread, an arrow pierced through it.

I laughed looking up at the sky, "Oh come on, don't be like that, Gale," I spread my limbs across the surface of the cool rock. "Don't pick favourites, but— between me and Kat, who's the lucky favourite?"

Gale hummed as if thinking deeply. "Definitely Catnip," he answered making my head turn sharply towards him. I shot him a glare, a look of betrayal. He let out a bark of laughter, just in time for Katniss to arrive.

He held up the bread once more, "Hey catnip, look at what I shot," he said. "He said that two times already," I groaned, raising a finger.

Katniss laughed, the bread handed to her. "Mhh, still warm," she commented, sniffing the crust of the bread after she had pulled out the arrow.

If I hadn't known any better, I would say that they were siblings. Straight black hair, olive skin and same grey eyes. Most of the families who work in the mines resemble each other this way. That's why my family has always stuck out like a sore thumb, like Katniss' mother and sister.

My mother and brother with strawberry blonde hair, my brother, in particular, having my father's blue eyes. Father and I had bright copper-red hair, I shared my mother's green eyes.

From what I've heard my father used to be a merchant, selling various herbs, fruits, plants and meat until he's settled down here for my mother, began working in the mines, along with illegal hunting.

The peacekeepers and the mayor let it slide though, They crave fresh meat just like anyone else in the district. Our district was looked down upon, the capitol didn't really pay attention to it. This is why we can get away with these.

My train of thought was interrupted by a berry landing on my face, making me scrunch my face as Katniss finished a joke with a Capitol accent. The two always told me I was easily distracted, a disadvantage when it came to hunting.

Though I'd say it's an advantage when I'm not busy daydreaming I tend to spot small animals, like that one bird flying west of me, or that small worm crawling next to me.

Gale tapped my hand, which was dangling from the rock. He handed me a piece of bread, some cheese spread on it. I sat up, one of my knees bent, resting my elbows on it as I thanked him.

"We could do it, you know?" He said quietly, effectively drawing my attention, as well as Katniss'. "What?" she asked. I only remained silent, biting into the bread as my other foot dangled from the rock, swinging around.

"Runaway from the district, live in the woods, you and I, maybe Y/n too if he wants to, we could make it," He said, I nodded, swallowing a healthy portion of the bread. "You know I want to," I interjected.

Gale sighed, "If only we didn't have so many kids," Of course, they weren't our actual children, though they might as well be. He has two little brothers and a sister, Katniss has a sister and I have Kunal. There's also our parents, another mouth to feed.

My mom doesn't really have a source of income, so I'm left working the majority of the month, only taking a break at least for a day. Though the three of us split our games, It's never really enough. We still have times where we would curl up on our cots on an empty stomach. It happened far more often than any of us would like.

With my father gone, I was left to provide for my own family. These forests are practically my home, the only thing missing was Kunal and my mom's icy stares.

"I don't want any children," Katniss responded plainly. "I might if I didn't live here," said Gale.

"But you do," She responded irritably, I glanced between them, chewing on my bread slowly. "Forget it," Gale snapped, sighing,

It would be a lie if I haven't thought of this. They call me a daydreamer because of this, I'd much rather dream of being one with the mocking jays, flying freely without worrying about the Capitol's prying eyes than face the fact that that would never happen.

A trait passed down to me by my father, as I said. We hate the fact that we are treated like caged birds, though used to it, we'll never be comfortable. Unlike my mother.

Sometimes I wonder what drew them to each other.

"What do you want to do?" Katniss asked, making me perk up. "How about we fish at the lake?" I suggested. They both nodded as a grim thought settled in my head.

Kunal turned 12 this year, his name is on the ballot for today, Reaping day. Though only once, there's a slim chance that he might get chosen. He could barely stand against an angry, small mutt, running to my legs whenever he gets scared.

If he gets chosen, I wouldn't know what to do. Surely my mother would resent me even more, why was I her only child left then? No, it wouldn't get to that, surely not.

I clenched my fists as we travelled to the lake, feeling the anger bubble inside me. I remembered one of the many reasons I despised these ridiculous, power-hungry people.

"I'll destroy them one day, don't worry, pa" I whispered, though I'm sure Gale and Katniss heard me. They just knew.

—--—--—

Words: 1.8k

#peetamellark #peeta mellark #peetamellarkxmalereader #peeta mellark x male reader #peeta mellark x reader #hunger games #hunger games x reader #hunger games x male reader #gale #katniss #x male reader #male reader series #male reader #reader insert #male reader insert

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fluffomatic · 3 years

Note

Oooh I love tickle bugs!!! Oh! What about bugs that are ticklers but also enjoy tickles themselves? Maybe these cute big bees that are super fuzzy and like nuzzling against humans bellies and fluttering their wings against humans necks but plot twist! The lil things are also ticklish and will make little buzzing noises to replace laughter. Maybe people like to keep them as pets uwu

AHHH OKAY ILL MAKE ANOTHER EXCEPTION! THESE BEES ARE JUST TOO CUTE! There likely wont be any other ticklish creatures in the forest but I do feel obligated to include a ticklish animal since I have a ticklish plant and bug now :/ well we’ll see if we can come up with anything

(My art don’t repost but please reblog)

Edit: fixed typo

Edit again: fixed more typos 😅

#my art #my artwork #tickling #tickle #tickles #tickle art #my art stuff #tickle bug #tickle forest #tickle ask #answered ask #thanks for the ask!#tw bugs

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saltymcsaltything · 2 years

Text

I can't believe it, but I actually feel like I've turned the page on a really rough period in my life

tl;dr warning: This is wayyyyyy too long; don't read it. Skip to the end where it says [ TL;DR ] for the mega happy ending, you'll skip all the background trauma, the drama, the highs and the lows, but also all the funny bits. Or at least all the bits that *I* think are funny. YMMV, buyer beware, don't take any wooden nickels, and don't wizz on the electric fence.

TW / CW: Mental Illness, Self harm, Medical Trauma, Death, Parental Death, Surgery, Hospitals, Doctors, Needles, Anesthesia, Panic Attacks, I apologize if I missed anything

Other Warnings (because that last list seemed grim) : Excessive length, sesquipdalean loquaciousness, spelling errors of very long words, egregious typos because of my motor disorder, poor attempts at humor, using humor at inappropriate times, laughing at my own jokes, explaining the jokes, *not* explaining the jokes, bad puns, snark, self deprecation, probably repeating myself, way too long, so many big words, flippancy in the face of serious situations, overreactions in the face of minor inconveniences or simple misunderstandings, too many warnings, attempted sarcasm, actual sarcasm, inappropriate use of bulleted lists, being overly dramatic, never knowing when to shut up, shit... I just typed shit instead of shut I better fix that...

So, yeah... I kind of snapped out of a (checks calendar) 3+ year extended burnout/depression/funk, and in a lot of ways, a much longer period of a slow but erratic decline in my overall mental health. Read on to discover my *shocking* secret to wellness and self-fulfillment! /s

Apparently, what I really needed to suddenly...

dramatically elevate my mood

dramatically reduce my anxiety

rekindle my emotional connection with my wife

rediscover what it is to feel gratitude

get a little boost to executive functioning

get a huge boost of natural dopamine (ahhh, that's the stuff!)

feel reinvigorated in my eternal quest to wrangle my various and sundry physical health issues

was...

[ DRAMATIC PAUSE ]

Surgery.

...wait, what?

Allow me to explain.

Of all of the things that have been weighing me down over the last several years, the one that first knocked me out of my groove was a sudden, sharp decline in my physical health. Around 12-13 years ago, at age 29, I was at the absolute peak of my health - stronger, better toned, and happier than I had ever been. I worked out 6-7 times per week and *loved* it because I was addicted to the endorphins and the dopamine, and, more importantly, it was something my wife and I were both into and enjoyed doing together.

TW / CW: Medical Trauma - so much ahead. /g

*For real* stop reading now if this is a trigger, it starts mild but just keeps escalating from here, and it keeps popping up over and over. Then again, Medical Trauma is one of my biggest triggers, so although I've processed what follows, I'm still maybe more sensitive to this than others. I dunno, it's so hard for me to gauge, it was so bad for me at the time, but my perspective is so shifted now.

TFW you feel like your TW / CW requires such a long explanation that it probably needs a tl;dr /hj

But at age 30 I just... crashed. HARD. I started getting horrible tension headaches that eventually turned into debilitating migraines after every workout, and I had to give it up. Unfortunately, it didn't stop there, and over the last ten years almost every aspect of my physical health has declined, except for the overall effectiveness of my immune system, which went way too far in the other direction and instead of getting sick a lot, I instead have horrible reactions to *gestures vaguely at the entire planet*. I had already had multiple episodes of anaphylaxis from my allergy shots, and dozens of severe reactions that felt almost (but not quite) as bad. I had an epipen for years and came close to using it a few times, but the less severe reactions never quite hit the same level of panic inducing tightness in the throat before they subsided. I really need to remember to get another one... That was all *before* I got even sicker and started to react to foods, flowers, the subtlest of fragrances and... nothing (or at least nothing I could identify.)

Over the course of about 3 years, I declined sharply. I developed joint pain with numbness and tingling, both of which spread throughout most of my body. These were joined by nerve and muscle pain that moved around and fluctuated in severity, from mildly annoying to spending 48 hours in bed on the verge of tears. I saw around a dozen different doctors and received increasingly frustrating non-diagnoses or misdiagnoses, and had a few nasty reactions to medications that "might help, let's try it and see" before I finally gave up and went solo with diet, exercise and supplements for the next 6 years, with some success but eventually a sharp decline in 2019 that has continued until now. The whole ordeal up to that point is an entire post of its own...

Along the way, *lots* of other things went wrong in my life, and I developed or finally acknowledged a grab-bag of mental health conditions - Anxiety (an old friend), Depression (previously only an occasional visitor, now a constant and far more intense interlocutor), and CPTSD (who the hell invited this guy?). My Autism, ADHD, Dyspraxia and Dyslexia (with some OCD traits thrown in for good measure) were diagnosed only recently, but that diagnostic process really only happened because the combined weight of everything else made every masking or coping technique evaporate in July 2020, and suddenly traits I had successfully used various cognitive measures to manage or outright suppress sprang out of their hiding places and landed directly on my face.

Literally. [ LENGTHY TANGENT INCOMING ]

TW / CW: Self harm

My absolute most aggravating trait/behavior as a kid was trichotillomania - hair pulling. I had long hair (a rat tail, cuz 80's) and in addition to twirling and chewing on it, when I was stressed I would pull strands of it out. It wasn't super noticeable - - my hair is pretty thick and it was only ever a few at a time, but I still hated it because I did it mostly unconsciously while twirling my hair and would only realize it after I noticed I had a few strands of hair in my hand. On rare occasions I would feel some itch or irritation on the back of my neck and pull some hairs consciously, somehow convinced it would help, but it was still more of an "oops, why did I do that" and I was able to stop after a few hairs. I hated it because it hurt, and eventually I stopped altogether.

Flash forward 30+ years, and my go to hair-based stim (my favorite kind) was now the almighty beard stroke. But under stress, this would lead to irritation, probably from increased sensory sensitivity (thanks, autism!) I would feel the irritation and compulsively yank out hairs where the irritation was, convinced there was an ingrown hair and fully conscious of what I was doing, but unable to stop because I could never seem to find the source of the irritation, if it even existed. Once I had pulled a small patch it became impossible to stop, because whenever I absent-mindedly reached up to stroke the beard, my fingers would find the patch, and start pulling. I was only dimly aware I was doing this, at least for the first few minutes. Once I did realize it became a battle with the compulsion, and I've been on the losing end more often than I care to admit. I have two patches that are just barely starting to regrow, and I still keep catching myself messing with them.

The worst part was when I pulled out a root that was really thick (extra keratin? oil buildup?) and it would actually make me bleed a little. Then I'd get scabs, then I'd pick at them, and pull more hair because of the added irritation. Lather, rinse, repeat. 🙄

I'm supposedly pretty smart, but struggling so hard to control behavior that I 100% knew was harmful made me feel... not smart. I've used harsher language than that to describe how my inability to use my "intellectual giftedness" to stop doing things like this makes me feel, but I recognize how ableist it is to insult someone's intelligence, even my own. But it does make me feel like a failure.

So, yeah, a whole mess of personal failure, right on my face... 😒 Nothing like a little self-harm/self-loathing combo move to signal the dawn of the "Obviously Autistic Salty" era. /s

[ END LENGTHY TANGENT ]

After all of this, even with a little forward progress in my mental and physical health (3 years of therapy and a new Doctor as of 2019, who has done 1000% more in 3 years than a whole platoon of Doctors did in the same span), I still felt like I was losing ground almost as quickly as I was gaining it, if not more so. My joints have been declining rapidly for the last 9 months, and my crazy bad allergies (actually allergies + MCAS) have reared up recently in new and entertaining ways (in other words, annoying and terrifying ways).

So, in the midst of all of this I found (mostly on my own) a problem with a clear, straightforward solution: I had a weird bulge in my lower abdomen. I had already figured out the right anatomical term for the area because of a major nerve that had been injured or severely inflamed by a previous procedure that went... poorly. Massive hematoma, much pain, attempted drainage with a huge needle, not nearly enough local anesthetic, almost passing out in a puddle of my own sweat and blood, nerve pain, months of pain when walking, and now here we are with a weird bulge in the same area. Fantastic. /s

But hey, I learned some anatomy so I could tell my Doctor which nerve was destroying my life (and thankfully she put me on a medication that actually worked for the nerve pain.) So when weird, squishy lump that sort of comes and goes and pops up suddenly or expands whenever I sneeze or cough shows up in that area, I simply searched for "anatomical-term + hernia" - I got a quick answer that matched what I was seeing, and the encouraging text in an actual medical source "can usually be self-diagnosed" - I find that text a little ironic given some of the fallacious arguments against self-diagnosis I have seen with respect to Autism in particular (that argument being self-diagnosis is never valid in *any* context and always requires a Doctor of some kind, whether PhD or MD).

Yay, I properly diagnosed something, all by myself! However, I did get my Doctor's assessment to *confirm* my diagnosis (she agreed, high five!) and then got an ultrasound to assess the extent.

It wasn't the worst hernia ever (ultrasound report said "small" even though I thought it looked pretty big, would hate to see a "large" hernia). My Doctor said I could wait and see how it progressed but that it wouldn't get better on its own without surgery and it might interfere with and get worse from certain activities (like lifting, exercising, etc). It was also intruding into an area where I had existing nerve pain - - although, again, thankfully well managed with medication.

I decided not to wait all that long, as I *really* need to exercise (correctly, this time) to rehab my flakey hip, which happens to be on the same side as all this other mess, because of course it is. My wife's theory - and she's probably right because she generally is - is that walking awkwardly (understatenent) for months due to the lingering complications from the previous procedure probably made my underlying joint problems much worse on that side. I *have* to correct my gait and strengthen the damaged muscles and whatnot - and no I can't be more specific than "whatnot" because hips are complicated and I'm no orthopedist, okay? Don't even get me started on shoulders... WTF is a rotator cuff?

I took my time finding a surgeon; I knew I really wanted one that was like "Hernias are my jam!" It's not a codified specialty of its own - it falls under general surgery - but it *is* a thing. There is a community of surgeons who dig hernias and after a great deal of research (after the fact), I can appreciate why, especially laparoscopic and robotic. There is a *lot* going on in that area (don't Google "triangle of doom" if you are the least bit squeamish, especially AMAB folks, YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!) It's honestly really fascinating if you have the stomach (or other relevant organs, heh) for it. I figured a self-professed hernia aficionado would be the best way to avoid complications as long as my obstinate and sometimes outright malicious body was willing to cooperate.

So I found me a good hernia doc with a solid rep for explaining things clearly (because autistic) and for *compassion* (because *autistic and mentally ill!*) The above, it turns out, was actually an understatement - compared to other Doctors (and I even include my primary care, who is pretty awesome), she is hands down the nicest, kindest and most patient Doctor I have ever seen, and the most willing to explain things in excrutiating (heh) detail, including answering all sorts of super specific questions that a lot of Doctors might find annoying.

I was up front about my diagnoses, particularly the Autism, ADHD and mental health conditions. I didn't want any of that to come as a surprise in case I got, oh, I dunno, totally panic stricken about something. And of course I got totally panic stricken a few times leading up to the surgery, because panicking is what I do best. /hj

The initial consult went totally fine (yay!). She was, as advertised, super nice, explained everything clearly, was really pleasant to talk to (I didn't even mind the smalltalk), was gentle and not abupt with contact during the exam, and didn't seem phased by my being autistic. Some doctors or nurses have gotten wide-eyed and kind of sputtered for a second before regaining their composure, but she was unphased. It was kind of refreshing and I mentally binned her as "good people."

Unfortunately, it was a bit of a... struggle, to put it mildly, in getting scheduled, and a lot of increasingly - you probably already guessed it - *panic stricken* voice mails on the scheduler's answering machine. That was, it turns out, just bad luck - as if I typically have any other kind. When I finally broke down and called the front desk and (in a panic, naturally) explained what was going on, and that I'm autistic and struggle with uncertainty and *really* needed to get scheduled so I could plan everything else around the surgery, I found out the scheduler had an emergency and was out for several weeks and I didn't wind up on the list for her backup to follow up with due to some kind of clerical error. If I had called them two weeks earlier after I didn't get a callback within a few days of my first voicemail, I probably wouldn't have panicked so badly, or wound up waiting 3 weeks before getting on the schedule, but what would be the fun in that? /s

TW / CW: Panic attacks

Note: I am not using panic lightly. I had at least two borderline anxiety/panic attacks - I still don't totally understand the difference - if someone has a good, concise explanation I'd love to hear it. I had to take Xanax to keep them at bay, and that is something I do very rarely. My anxiety can be pretty bad - I'm sure there are people with worse presentations but this isn't just "heh, I got a little nervous" - this was tachycardia, heart pounding in my chest, pulse in my ears, whole head feeling inflated, labored breathing and "I better do something now while I can still think or I'm going to pass out. " If I didn't already know I am prone to anxiety and panic attacks, I'd have thought they were heart attacks.

TW / CW: Hospitals

The day of the surgery, I knew I had been more anxious than usual for the previous week. My baseline anxiety is pretty high, I'm just used to being constantly on or at least very close to the edge, so this was bordering more on barely keeping it together but somehow not quite falling apart. But when the nurse put the wristband on me in the waiting room, officially admitting me to the hospital, I did essentially fall apart - although more gently than I might otherwise have because I had wised up and took the Xanax that morning. But I still absolutely fell apart in an extremely quiet way. I suddenly felt my senses get cranked up - the lights (which had been not bad as far as lights in a public building go) and the sound of other patients talking (with what had been a perfectly normal volume level) became overpowering and I felt the awful sensation of being simultaneously punched in the head and kicked in the stomach, and felt the dizziness and nausea take over my body. It became all I could feel.

I knew I needed to soothe myself and I had come prepared. I tried to tell my wife I was going to listen to music with the noise canceling headphones on so she would be able to listen for my name to be called, but I couldn't push the words out, my mouth wouldn't move, it felt glued shut and desert dry, and my breathing was becoming rapid and shallow. I put the headphones on, turned on the music, and texted her to ask her to listen for my name because I was scared and overwhelmed and needed to deal with it, and I tried to do that with distraction, music, a stim toy, and the reassurance of my wife holding my hand.

TW / CW: Death, Parental Death, Medical Trauma

I realized later that I should have reflected on what might happen in that environment more than I had instead of trying to distract myself from the heightened anxiety of the previous week. Hospitals hold bad memories for me, memories of my parents sick and dying, in pain, struggling to breathe, hooked up to machines, my Dad with his legs swollen with fluid until it was seeping out of his skin as his heart began to fail, my mom's wheezing, rattling breath from asthma, COPD and pneumonia, and the knowledge (but not the visual image, since neither she nor my Dad had ever let me witness this) of her on a ventilator, multiple times across three separate hospitalizations, until she finally refused a tracheostomy in her last lucid moments. But those images, memories and emotions weren't something I had consciously acknowledged or prepared myself to address, and I had never processed those fears as they related to my own fear for my life. I started having flashbacks to those moments and the emotions I felt surrounding all of that trauma. My parents deaths had hit me hard - the catalyst leading to my emotional collapse and forced unmasking in July 2020 was my mom's death, much as my Dad's death way back in 2003 has been the catalyst for a persistent recurring depression every year leading up to the anniversary of his death, something my wife noticed long before I did (thanks, poor interoception/alexathymia!)

So that was what I was faced with in my own mind as I tried to help the Xanax do its job. I couldn't fathom going back into pre-op unable to speak, I wasn't sure if I could keep my phone with me to help communicate and I was too shakey to write legibly - I was dreading the prospect of trying to make myself understood without words - I am hyperverbal in the sense that words are really my only real means of communication - my nonverbal communication is, essentially, something I had to practice for public speaking in high school (one of the ten events in Academic Decathlon) and I have to force it. The more stressed I get, the flatter my affect and the more my nonverbal communication deteriorates - my learned facial expressions, vocal tones and gestures are the first things to go and the last things to return, replaced by anxious body stims like fist and forearm shaking (like nervous hand flapping, but that requires wrists that actually consistently bend and don't crack and pop painfully, so the arms move but the hands are stiff) or rocking and pacing.

But after about 45 minutes (not bad!) I got my words back and turned down the senses a little. We'd gotten there early and there were some delays, which turned out to be a blessing because I needed that extra time. I was still really anxious on the way back, but it was back to on edge and looking over instead of clinging to the edge by my fingers over the chasm of utter despair and panic.

It... got better. The numerous nurses in pre-op - I lost count and once they took my glasses to store with my clothes, I could barely see their faces to tell them apart, and I am garbage at remembering names - were all super nice, and gently humorous and cheerful, which helped. There was this vibe of "we know how to handle absolutely anything" mixed with "we recognize that patients can be scared shitless, even middle-aged man-shaped creatures, and that's okay and we'll do our best to make it as easy as possible. "

I don't know how much of it was them just being super nice in general, and how much was my conditions being clearly disclosed. I'm going to assume an anxious but otherwise pleasant patient is a lot better than an angry one, so they probably aren't inclined to be anything other than nice, but I'd also like to give them credit for managing to not come across as infantilizing even if I was acting a little like a nervous kid -I don't feel like I vibe "42 year old dude", especially when I'm surrounded by unfamiliar faces. I'm a weird mix of meek and chatty/jokey. My constellation of diagnoses were on my chart and I was upfront about it verbally (yay, words!) When they asked how I was feeling I told them I was super nervous but otherwise okay, and that I am autistic/ADHD, and have audio processing and working memory issues. I'd like to believe it made a difference.

Whatever the reason, nobody seemed phased (yay for not feeling othered!) - they asked what they could do to make me comfortable, gave me a cool heated blanket that I will struggle to describe - it was like an air pillow attached by a hose to a machine blowing warm air - so it was ventilated but still warm - and they each explained what was going to happen next. If I asked them to repeat something, they did so without hesitation, and the same if I asked for clarification, like this fun exchange between a very patient nurse handing me a marker after giving me the relatively simple instructions already, and a still super anxious and confused me:

Befuddled Me: What was this marker for again? I missed some words there... well, a lot of words actually...

Calm nurse: It's to mark the side with the hernia.

Confused Me: Oh, wait, *I'm* supposed to mark which side the hernia is on?

Patient nurse: Yes, that's right, make an X and then initial next to it.

Perplexed me: Oh, shouldn't you do it? You're way more qualified with anatomy and would know where the cuts go.

Bemused nurse: No, it's just to mark which side the hernia is on. The surgeon will know where to cut but the side is critical. We have you do it because you should know better than anybody where it is.

Forgetful Me: Oh yeah, lol - what do I put again?

Incredibly patient nurse: Draw an X in the general area and then initial it.

Me: [successfully draws on myself after figuring out how to write my initials upside down]

Whenever they needed to check the marking (*everybody* checked it), they waited patiently (heh) for me to figure out how to get the stupid hospital gown up high enough while laying on it, and then verified the mark without touching me (the less unnecessary touch, the better). When they had to touch me - like to put in the IV, which is typically not a huge deal for me since needles don't usually bug me - they still asked me first or told me what they needed and why, so I always had a heads up. The anesthesiologist - cool as hell, same first name, joked about it - asked if I'd ever had any issues with anesthesia (oh yeah, horrible dizzyness, confusion and nausea on waking) and he said they could give me something that should help. I kept getting calmer and calmer. By the time the surgeon came by for one final review of everything (and to initial the marks as well) I was... actually pretty good, all things considered. She then asked if she should check the other side with the scope - if there wasn't anything there it wouldn't take much longer and if there was anything to fix it would save having to go back in again later. I agreed (I mean, yeah, scope all the things, just in case). She was super nice. I was pretty much as calm as I was gonna get at that point.

Right before they wheeled me into the OR, they asked if I was ready and if I was feeling any better. I got a little anxious when zero hour came and said I was getting a little wound up again and the Xanax was not really working, but they gave me a minute to soothe and squeeze my wife's hand one last time, and then I was mostly okay again. I nervous shook my fists on the way back and that seemed to help. The OR was too cool looking for me to notice my anxiety as they helped me up onto the table and got me positioned. I asked if the anesthesia would be all in the IV or if there would be gas - the gas during my tonsillectomy smelled gross to me - but they said the only thing in the mask would be oxygen while I went under and that they'd handle everything else after I was out and I probably wouldn't even remember being in the OR at all (I did, because I am always at least a little bit unusual). They put the mask on my face, it did not smell nasty and seemed to be just oxygen and then...

*BOOM* I'm awake, and not like just a little awake, but fully awake and only mildly inebriated. Like, two or three glasses of wine, max. I hear the nurse saying something like "How are you feeling" as my eyes pop open, and I am talking immediately. I don't remember a lot of what I said. I do remember saying my throat was sore and the nurse telling me that was normal because of the breathing tube. Brief moment of "...wut" as I process that - because of the association of intubation with my mom on a ventilator that hits me a little, but instead of a sucker punch to the gut it's more like me smacking myself on the forehead. It's pretty standard, I knew that but conveniently forgot, and I'm actually glad nobody mentioned it to me when I was all wound up. I think I even said that to the nurse.

Apart from that, I don't remember much else of my silly but largely lucid babbling - I was aware I was speaking clearly and only occasionally slurring (motor issues make slurring hit really early in the process of inebriation), and I know I had jokes of the self-deprecating variety. I remember because I remember myself relaying some silliness I had done (maybe doing yoga with hypermobile hips, or running with shin splints since my joints were feeling crunchy, and reminding me of my various self-owns when exercising, as I sat up) but I remember saying "cuz I'm a dumbassss" with a lot of enthusiasm a couple times at least, and a "0/10, do not recommend, hard pass" at least once. I think I even caught a chuckle or even a laugh in response (post-op nurses were also super nice).

I was pretty lucid, all things considered, and within 20 minutes I was basically sober, and asking to see my wife. But I felt gooood, and not doped up (that is never good to me, hate that nasty floaty feeling because it's bad not really movement and confuses my brain and makes me dizzy). I wasn't dizzy at all - the anesthesiologist knocked that shit out of the park (yay anti-nausea drugs!) A solid 11/10, would huff that cocktail in the breathing tube again. I really wanted to tell my wife how good I felt waking up. I was super pumped. There was dopamine. I was in a *really* good mood.

Then some weird but amusing stuff happened right after my wife came in that made me go "Wait, is that not normal?" One of the two nurses noticed my heart rate was really high (for normies, not for my weird-ass self) - like 130. I didn't even notice because lol, 130? That's hardly high for me, especially when I have been anxious for weeks. They rushed off to check with the surgeon and anesthesiologist and came back saying "they said you should be okay, but we'll keep an eye on it." I said something to the effect of "I've seen it as high as 165 while laying down before so I don't even notice 130." I got a shocked look from both nurses and hastily added "that was a drug reaction, the one in my chart. This is just anxiety." Remember that "let's try this and see if it works" comment from wayyyyyy up there? Like, 8, or 9 years ago right before I gave up on doctors? Yeah...

I was next told I needed to drink plenty of fluids (not a problem at all, I was thirsty as hell because I wasn't allowed any liquids after midnight the night before, which had made the mandatory emptying of my bladder a few minutes before going to the OR a bit of a struggle) and was told it was because I had to pee before they could let me go (I had no idea why at the time although my wife said they had told me why. .. audio processing issues strike again.) I did as told and downed a couple of drinks - water, watered down apple juice, watered down cranberry juice, guess they were trying to push more water and less other stuff, or trying to go easy on my sore throat with anything that could be tart or acidic. Can't fault either logic.

The nurse said I could walk to go to the bathroom but that someone had to be with me at all times and it could either be her or my wife - she was nice enough and all but I don't particularly like anybody watching me go, let alone basically a stranger, and I opted for my wife. When I took my first step, with the nurse gently assisting me upright and out of the bed (I felt fine but I had fresh incisions) my ankle snapped loudly - but that is once again totally normal for me. I'd been on my back for several hours and they get like that - my feet overpronate even more without any weight on them than they do when I am standing, and things get out of alignment. The nurse was obviously shocked at the noise and was like "OMG, are you okay?" and I nonchalantly replied, with a little chuckle, "yeah my ankles do that all the time whenever I get out of bed." I got a concerned look in reply that said "whoa, that is *not* normal" and a hesitantly spoken "oh, okay..."

lol, my body is weird

With respect to operation "pee while under strict supervision", my wife was amused by the whole process and just kept asking "are you done yet?", which I wasn't until I gave up after about 5 minutes of standing there with my, well, ya know, in my hand, to literalize that figure of speech. After I failed attempt #1 (my bladder holds a lot), the nurse met me with a wheelchair, not necessary but kind of fun to get wheeled around. The other nurse asked if there was anything else I could drink that might produce the desired results. I perked up (heh) and said "Coffee? Coffee works, do you have any?" She said "Decaf, right?" and I said "regular if you have it, please, please, please" explaining that caffeine calms me down, half-jokingly, and also that it helps me go, totally seriously - it's true about both but with respect to the calming aspect I didn't expect them to believe it. That's a trade secret of the stimulant attenuated sub-class of ADHDers. To my surprise, she said "Sure, how many cream and sugar?" and I just about lost. My Damn. MIND. I had gone without coffee for nearly 18 hours and my soul was withering from lack of caffeine. The Adderall keeps me from getting super bad caffeine headaches, but I needs my coffee, and decaf doesn't hit right. Plus, I really was hoping it would drop my heart rate to ease some of their anxiety. Sounds weird, but I felt bad making these nice folks nervous.

I got my coffee, hot, sweet and creamy to tame the bitterness (not knowing for sure what kind of strange diesel is in a hospital staff coffee maker. I assumed it would be like the sludge my dad and oldest brother made and consumed gallons of working 18 hour days in the military.) It wasn't bad though, although the heat did bug my throat a little, but once I got a good sear in the back of the old esophagus it was golden. And my heart rate eventually dropped back near 100. I knew this because the annoying beeping of my monitor that was so out of sync with my neighbor's in the next bay finally evened out and the dissonant beat became much less irritating. I happily pointed that out the next time the nurse came to check in, only to watch it creep back up after a few seconds. Oh right, nice folks, these nurses, but social anxiety is still a thing and a hospital is still a weird and unfamiliar setting.

Finished off my coffee, another cup of water, and after maybe 10 minutes, I think I'm ready for round two. I get to walk back, supervised again, and within about a minute we're back in business. Weirdest feeling though, because I'm still numbed up from the local anesthesia and I don't feel the muscles like I normally do. Whatever, mission accomplished. I come out with two thumbs up and l'm good to go. I get wheeled out to the Uber, and we have a long ride home in the middle of a heavy rain. But I feel good.

Things are great the first few days. My abs are sore and I'm icing frequently, taking lots of nsaids and Tylenol, but it's really not that bad. I'm used to pain and this isn't all that much worse. I'm able to drive without too much discomfort the next day as a test run, so I head back to work two days post surgery. I'm basically fine.

But my body has a little curveball. After about 5 days, the glue on one of my incisions starts to break apart because of hairs regrowing through it. Once the seal is broken, all hell breaks loose. There is an angry red hive under the glue and it itches horribly. There isn't enough benadryl or hydrocortisone in the world to soothe it and I'm forced to manage it mostly with ice packs and gritted teeth. I'm getting distressed.

It gets worse. The following night I get overheated while sleeping (yay, poor temperature regulation!) and I have a nice bout of the night sweats. This is a problem. The glue on the other two incisions was still intact, but the sweat softens it and it starts to slough off. Worse, the first incision is now bare, and the hive is now covered in water blisters. I'm worried now, because the blisters are going to pop, and that means exposed broken skin, and that means potential infection. Shit.

I call the surgeon's office. I leave a (panicky) message, but it takes a whole to get a call back. Which I miss. Eventually get another call in the late evening (surgeon's hours are no joke) and explain everything as well as I can despite being pretty freaked out. She isn't phased - the reaction is rare but it happens, and it shouldn't affect healing. Get some recommendations on how to manage it, have a little chuckle when I explain that I have an inverted reaction to benadryl (I get wired instead of sleepy) and she responds with mild surprise. I thank her *profusely* and she seems surprised by my reaction but in kind of a genuinely touched sort of way. I guess people calling about minor complications usually don't get all effusive normally.

It's another two weeks before the follow up. I'm managing the hives but it's non-trivial. The blisters burst but heal up okay, and the hives directly around the incisions fade, but others pop up nearby, and eventually wander to anyplace I've ever had an outbreak of hives before. I am now reacting to yet another hypoallergenic deoderant. Yay, armpit hives! But I can deal - this isn't fucking with my healing, it's just annoying. I am able to draw "help" on my belly with my nail and it stays for 45 minutes. Yay, dermatographia!

The day of the follow up I am absolutely on edge. There's nothing wrong per se, but I can't really tell if the incisions are as healed as they should be. I have no frame of reference - never had internal sutures, and never had incisions this deep before. I'm paranoid and looking for anything that looks off. I just can't tell. I get to the office early and park, but then somehow get lost inside the building because of confusing signage. I'm not late because I had plenty of cushion, but I've been wandering around the building stressing out for a while and walking quickly with bad legs and a cane is draining. I finally get checked in and then sit in the waiting room, headphones and fidget cube ready to go so I can calm down for a bit.

But they are ahead of schedule - I get a song and a half in, maybe 5 minutes tops, and I'm still wound up. I go back for my vitals and they are wild: BP 165/95 and He 145. Pretty bad considering they never got that bad hiking 4000 feet up a mountain when I had full mobility. But I know it's anxiety/anticipation. I want thus to go well but I'm terrified something will be wrong. Even worse, after how well I've been treated, I don't want to become a problem patient, having to be seen over and over again for some nagging complications. I've been there, and the doctor in that case quickly got irritated by my distress and my stubborn inability to recover according to his timetable. I couldn't stand for that to happen again, to feel like a failure and a burden.

Fuck, I know that is such an irrational thought process, but try telling that to my emotions. I clearly have some kind of complex but I don't even know what you'd call it. Medical RSD?

But...

[ TL;DR ]

The surgeon comes in, we talk a little, I ask a bunch of questions I've written down, and then she checks the incisions. And they're *fine*. I'm not healing slowly, nothing is going wrong.

I'm *okay*

This is the part where I pause to explain that I have been emotionally numb for years, in the sense that is very hard to express emotions in the moment, and they tend to get stuck until they manifest in distressing ways. I haven't even really been able to feel or express positive emotions even when I knew I was above baseline. I've struggled with an inability to cry in grief or scream in anger or laugh in joy for anything real for myself. Fiction or other's experiences allow me a taste of relief because somehow it's okay to feel for others. Just not myself

But I got swamped by a wave of relief and joy. I could feel it physically like a cool splash on a body that was sizzling with anxiety. I really felt that wash of coolness.

And then I burst into tears. In the surgeon's office. I'm bawling and stuttering out thank yous. The surgeon is taken aback but only briefly. I tell her how much her kindness has meant to me, and how much of a 180 it was from my previous experience. But I can only get so many words out before I can't talk and have to take a deep breath and try to reset to default - nervous but jokey. I'm too overwhelmed to try to articulate anything other than a quip about it being a shame she doesn't fix hips too.

I am fucking stunned. I get to the car and just sit there for minutes trying to process what happened. I head back to work because I finished earlier than I expected, and I sit at my desk, open my email and just... light up. My brain is screaming "LET'S GO!!!" and I feel the dopamine hit. HARD. Harder than my first dose of Adderall. It's almost too much. My vision sharpens and everything looks outlined. I'm reading text... and blazing through it while understanding it. My eyes are tracking, I'm not skipping words or slipping to the next line mid sentence. It's *flowing* like it hasn't in months.

I get shit done. I start tasks, finish tasks, switch tasks. Tasks are happening, and it's just making the dopamine hit harder. I'm buzzing. I get home, I tell my wife that I'm okay, and I'm bawling all over again. I'm a mess but I'm a happy mess. Everything feels different. Every task ahead of me seems doable instead of insurmountable. I feel good even with my wonky hip and my bad knees and my *gestures vaguely at everything except the hernias*. Oh, yeah, I said hernias plural, she found a second one that wasn't visible (an occult hernia - spooky!). That second hernia was pressing on another nerve damaged in that other procedure. Some very distressing chronic pain that I thought was permanent is fading - the worst of it is gone. *Pain is gone* is not something I often get to say. Holy fuck, this fixed things beyond what it was supposed to. How fucking awesome is that?

And my mood is *still* fantastic. It take just a little reflection to bring back the good vibes when something negative happens. It's like Kevlar for negative emotions - it still hits and it still hurts, but it doesn't tear a hole in me. The pain fades. I can feel angry and not spiral into rage. I can feel sad and spiral into despair. I can feel anxious and not spiral into panic. I'm... resilient. Not in the "you've survived something horrible and you're scarred by it, but you're still hanging on despite the trauma" but in the "you haven't sustained trauma from the horrible thing, you've walked through the fire and felt the heat, but not been burned"

So now what? I keep working on it health. I keep this win in my mind, in my box of #things to look at when I'm sad, and I remember what it felt like to turn a corner, and what it felt like to have so many people show me genuine care through a difficult experience that had me on the edge of panic.

I'm on mobile and can't put in a cut, but if anyone makes it through this whole-ass dissertation, I hope you enjoyed the ride, and I hope it gives you a little lift. If it didn't, I will offer to send you gushy messages of thanks for what a wonderfully caring and kind person you are to make up for it. I'm getting really good at that.

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