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skylermadness · 4 months

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Promotion Preparation (Harold "Happy" Hogan TF/MC)

(Original Date of Upload: January 26, 2024)

Original Description:

Guess I might have a new contender for most obscure TF mood and most random character to write a TF story on. So a few weeks ago I watched the second season of Marvel's What If series. Now, for a long time, I've already had Happy as a mood for myself. As a character he intrigued me in a sort of 'random side character' kind of way, which truthfully has been a frequent way I get interested in characters in general. Honestly the amount of times I fell in love with a supporting cast member while completely disregarding the main character is a lot. This is one of those cases, and watching that episode of What If accentuated that mood towards Happy in ways you cannot even believe. Plus he looks cute in a more animated format! Although he looks cute regardless so that's neither here nor there. I didn't really care for the whole Hulk Blood Injection/Freak segments of his day in the limelight episode, but that's just me being not a big Hulk (and adjacent) guy and nothing personal towards him. If you want something funny I actually haven't watched any of the Iron Man movies in literal years so my worldbuilding for this story is probably mostly inaccurate and screwed. Then there's the fact that this story is in a weird point in the MCU timeline that's likely midway through Phase 2 or so. I did try to make do with what I could remember, alongside with what the MCU Wiki could provide me. Although either way this was just a silly self-indulgent story to fulfill a TF mood that I just couldn't stop obsessing over for a bit. Fun fact: The cover for this story was going to use an image of Happy from the Iron Man films, but the image looked too generic that I felt it would come off as appearing too indistinguishable from being an image of Jon Favreau in a suit. Hence I had to change it to a picture of him from What If to avoid any potential weirdness.

Daryl had considered himself someone that was inexperienced in his field of study. Especially as someone who was still working on his degree in cybersecurity and was only three years in. Despite that however, he had gotten an internship at Stark Industries roughly a few months ago. Something he wasn't even expecting to achieve since he assumed the level of entry for such a job would be high. Especially since the only branch of the company that was near his college was the central branch. But he’s been coasting along pretty well for the few months he's been working as an intern there.

That's what he presumed anyway. Then he opened his work email this morning to find that he's been asked to a meeting with one of the CEOs of the industry. Specifically Tony Stark himself…

That alone was enough to cause Daryl's stress levels to go off the rails. A meeting with a CEO was one thing, but the former industry head? In person? And that wasn't taking into account that the guy was Iron Man, an Avenger. It made his heart rate reach levels that he wasn't quite sure was possible for a human being. And that was a feeling that was maintained for much of the day.

Now, within the building he's been working at for months, he stands outside the door of one of the rooms in the upper floors of the building. He had usually been delegated to the ground level floors but there seemed to be very little differentiation in how the hallways looked between floors. Consistency and all. Didn't make him any less petrified to knock, though. He just stood there eyeing the wood, terrified as to how this would all go down.

Was he getting fired? Or worse, had he done something that compromised the company? Maybe he left a firewall open for too long and let someone into their network, or perhaps he accidentally mishandled a crucial file and sent it to someone he shouldn't have. Crap, now he's thinking about all the times he's emailed someone with his work email. What if someone who emailed him before had been posing as an employee and-

“You do realize I can see you just standing there?” a familiar voice called from the intercom beside the door, startling Daryl out his internal spiral. “The door's unlocked.”

Daryl stiffened a bit, his body already filling with embarrassment. He stood in silence for another few seconds before lifting up a hand and reaching towards the door’s knob before promptly twisting it. Then, with a gentle push, he opens the office door.

The office itself seemed to be rather tame, if not rather large. It got plenty of natural light judging by the massive window that made up the room’s back. Seating areas of varying sizes and uses found to the left and right of the room. Meanwhile at the middle back of the office was the main desk for work. And sitting at that desk was Tony Stark himself.

“Daryl Griffin, was it?” the man inquired.

“Uh, yeah…” Daryl responded as he started to walk away from the door and towards the desk. Something about his stress combined with the room’s size just made the walkway itself feel longer than it actually was. What was only a few seconds of walking felt like whole minutes. Despite the weird feeling of time disparity though, he reached the desk and took a seat in the chair opposite to Stark’s.

“Took the casual approach for this meeting, huh?” Tony commented.

Daryl could feel his own soul shrivel at that remark. He didn't have much time to really switch out to something more formal seeing as this meeting was scheduled less than a half hour after his last class for the day. It resulted in him wearing a T-shirt beneath a fully unbuttoned flannel, alongside a pair of jeans and athletic shoes. “I-I didn't have the time to change really-”

Stark’s face remained emotionless for a few seconds… and then he smiled. “I'm just messing with ya, kid. I'm just wearing a t-shirt right now!”

Daryl just nodded, his stress only dissipating a little at the statement.

“Hm, usually I get the fanboys,” Stark remarked at the silence. “Right to business then. I'm presuming you're wondering why you were called into this meeting?”

“Y-yeah,” Daryl attempted not to make eye contact. “Look, if I sent anyone anything it was probably because of an email hijack I might not have caught-”

Tony let out a low laugh. “Kid, this isn't a scolding, nor have we dealt with any email hijackers in a while. Truthfully you've seemed to have been doing well at your job despite this only being an internship position.”

The praise continued to melt away Daryl’s stress. “What? I- I guess that's something considering I'm only a third year at my college. Although I'm taking it I'm here for more than just praise-”

“Bingo. Considering how you are, I think it would benefit us both that your position is moved to something more permanent.”

Daryl paused, gears in his head turning and he tried to comprehend what was just told to him. “I- wait, are you… promoting me to an official job here?”

“Quite more than that actually…” Tony says with a smile. He slid a piece of paper, a contract, across the desk and to Daryl. “You'll be placed as Stark Industries’ new Head of Security.”

And the stress levels we back up. “H-H-Head of Security!? That can't be right, I’m still in college!!!”

“Well, it's moreso a gradual position. One that needs some level of prep work, but that'll all be talked about if you agree to the job.”

Gradual? Prep work?? Daryl was left dumbfounded at the offer. Was his prowess really that good to warrant being the Head of Security for an entire industry!? Something about that just felt so… so… impossible, but…

The young man couldn't hold himself back from reaching towards the nearest pen. “I'm assuming this is something that'll be in full effect once I get my degree…?”

“You could say that,” Tony responded. It felt cryptic, like the man was hiding something.

Daryl didn't dwell on it for too much though. It feels like this was the offer of a lifetime, and in a quite literal manner that he could have this job until retirement. Working with Stark Industries straight out of college… the paychecks he could get from such a high position like Head of Security… It was an offer that was too good to pass up.

And so Daryl writes his name onto the contract, the young man not even taking a moment to read it through.

“Didn't even think twice on that, huh?” Stark said with a smirk. He slid back the contract towards him with one hand, and with the other he seemed to slink off the desk and beneath it. “Preparations can be put underway then.”

Daryl smiled. “May I ask what kind of preparations…? Will I still remain in this internship until I get my degree? Or uh, will I be put in contact with the previous head? Just curious how this will- augh!”

His questioning is cut short as he feels something cold jab itself into the side of his neck. For a few seconds Daryl’s body seizes up, but he regains control as he quickly lifts up a hand to feel the spot.

Pushing his seat back a bit Daryl looked behind him and found a silvery robotic suit reminiscent of Stark’s various Iron Man suits. He knew for a fact that wasn't there before. Furthermore its left hand was in the process of unmorphing from something, and he could see the appearance of a needle or syringe-like object in the mass of shifting metals. “Uhhh, wh-what was that?”

“Nanite injection,” Stark responded plainly. “Again, part of the preparations for your new position.”

“I, uh…” a dizziness started to enter Daryl as he turned to look at Tony and speak again. “What preparations needs… that…”

“Juuuuust give it a bit…” Stark said, idly watching.

Daryl wanted to respond, but the dizzy spell was making it hard to focus in full. Instead he elected to investigate himself, removing his hand from his neck to see if there was any blood on it. He was quite surprised to find that only a small amount had bled onto his palm. Although that small drop of blood had a tangible mixture of deep red and a dimly glowing blue. And what was even weirder was that his hand seemed to be… different. Changing.

At first it all seemed to be slight. Something that looked to be a trick of his oncoming daze. Each individual finger seemingly getting slightly longer, slightly thicker. That change in appearance was only getting more prominent in just seconds as their once thin size was replaced with an almost chunkier looking physicality. The same was also being applied to the rest of his hand with it getting stretched out to be larger and more in proportion with his new fingers. The same was applied with its thickness as well which, albeit wasn't the most significant in changes, was fairly noticeable whenever he inspected his hand from the size.

A much stranger change was following however. The softness of his hands was quickly appearing to alter, seemingly looking to be getting more aged almost. His palms growing harder and more callused, the back of his hands getting more noticeably weathered. There even seemed to be a few scars etching into his knuckles.

“Whuh…?” was the best response Daryl could come up with at the sight. The man also made sure to check his other hand, his brain taking a few moments to fully realize the transformation was happening there as well. His mind was already feeling so fogged up that it was hard to fully comprehend just everything. It practically felt like his brain was on the beginnings of being put on anesthetics.

That wasn't fully the case though, and if it was he probably wouldn't be feeling a dense heat surging through his arm muscles. Daryl was a rather thin fellow, but it was rapidly getting more tangible that what was injected into him was changing his body type at the most basic level. His arms were swelling up slightly larger, a low musculature steadily layering onto them. It wasn't the most drastic of mass growths as his new muscles were looking to be more equipped for lower level combat than they would be for more strenuous strength-related ordeals. But that didn't stop his biceps and triceps from just barely outlining themselves in the short sleeves of his flannel, evidently proving that no matter what his new size was going to just barely going to be larger than his current one.

Muscle wasn't the only thing forming however. A layer of softness was lightly layering over them as well. Small amounts of fat formulating and increasing the width of his arms even more. Furthermore on his skin it would seem the amount of arm hair he possessed was increasing as well. Not by an immense amount, but still just enough that it was slightly more visible than usual.

The ill-fitting feeling of his sleeves persisted as his shoulder muscles developed a bit more. Pressure was forming in his bones as well, the remainder of his shirt already feeling weird on his form as he was in the process of getting wider. His form getting broader and a couple inches being added to him horizontally. All of which was quickly followed by a heat in his core, and a churning in his gut.

The warmth that coursed through him was a byproduct of yet another deluge of muscle gain. The flatness of Daryl’s chest was quickly superseded and his upper body strength increased as his pectoral muscles grew in size. It still wasn't the most drastic of growths though as his pecs only gently dented into his shirt, but it was still enough to form just a bit of cleavage. Meanwhile at the lower half of his torso his abdominal muscles followed in a similar manner by rapidly rippling forward a little and hardening as well. Even then however his belly had a level of smoothness, his newly developed abs only slightly visible beneath in it.

But the churning in his stomach remained. The younger man bent forward a bit, slinging a transformed arm around his abdomen and moaned. The haze in his mind didn't fully let him string together a sentence, so in the end all he could sputter out was, “What’re ya… doing to…”

His belly rumbled, and then the second half of his bodily changes were enacted. Softness formed throughout the entirety of his torso, expanding itself across him and prompting a major gain in weight. His pecs got a bit thicker with a layer of fat, pushing forward even more as they rounded out more. The most prominent change came with his belly however. Fat accumulating at a rapid pace, his stomach swelling forward more and more with each passing second. Just getting larger, rounder, and slightly pushing the hem of his shirt up more and more. Although in the end the gain in size would only result in his shirt moving upwards to a few centimeters above his belly button, it was still a fairly significant growth regardless. Especially since it was followed up by a light tickling spreading across his torso. A sparse amount of hair ran up his midline until it would reach his chest, in which it would then spread into a light dusting of chest fuzz. A few hairs even looked to be graying.

All Daryl could do was gently squeeze his gut in confusion. His ability to think straight was reaching a point where it was extremely difficult to pull off. He knew something was up but every time he tried to fathom it his train of thought just derailed. And if anything he also felt like he could feel his own mind was starting to get rearranged as well. As if bits and pieces of it were in the process of being removed or altered. But the ramifications of such a thing weren't tangible yet, or at least he thought they weren't. Even if it was seeming like the way his body was looking was getting increasingly familiar. Increasingly his own…?

His mental haze had left him distracted from the increasing tightness within his pants. His legs were kick-starting their changes with muscle mass forming across them alongside some fat. Much like with his arms the increasing diameter of his legs wasn't the most drastic of bodily changes. His thicker thighs pushed up against the denim of his jeans quite a bit, and the same could be said with his calves that were in the process of swelling with fat. Despite it all though strength coursed through his muscles. A new increase in endurance that the man had not possessed prior to the transformation.

Concurrent with his leg growth were also the changes happening in his feet. His shoes had quickly started feeling undersized as his feet began their expansion, extending forward while getting thicker and meatier. Pushing against the toecaps were his toes, now becoming chunkier than they had been before. As his heels pressed against the back of his sneakers a hardness formed across his soles as callouses manifested. All while specks of hair poked out from the bridge of his feet. His footwear still was managing to contain his larger appendages, but it was evident that there was still some level of struggling involved between their differing size.

It was at this point that the changes were also properly reaching the uppermost quarter of the man’s body. His neck was already in the process of widening and he could feel a pressure coursing across his face. “I… a-ahhh…” he moaned out, the sound of his voice seeming to alter just a bit. Seemingly deepening just a smidge with the tone shifting alongside it.

“It honestly isn't the easiest thing to find people matching the proper qualifications for the job, especially since…” Stark started explaining just why he was doing this, but Daryl had evidently no ability to fully keep up with the man’s monologue. For a second the man could tune in and hear a statement about trust problems regarding confidential work or the fact that it'd be easier to create your own workers, but everything else fell onto the ears of a man whose mind was feeling like it was being restructured.

The pressure around his face continued as his skull was in the process of restructuring. While it got larger to fit his new proportions it seemed to lengthen a bit vertically as well, his forehead seeming to get a little larger alongside the area around his chin. All the while his jawline was in the process of reshaping itself, the angling of the sides shifting as the deepest portion of his jaw rounded. It all had caused his head to gain an almost ellipsoidal shape. The slight roundness of it got more prevalent as a bit of submental fat descended a little beneath his chin.

At the same time his facial features were changing. The shifts weren't the most drastic though: his nose getting a bit wider, rounder, bigger. Eyebrows quickly thinning out while reshaping to a more soft angled, almost S-shaped appearance. Meanwhile his eyes were getting a little bit smaller and his ears pulled back slightly. Fat accumulated around areas of his face, his cheeks in particular, while some slight levels of aging and weathering started to appear at the edges of his eyes. One of the more prominent changes came with his chin developing some slight pronunciation, a noticeable lump now pushing forward.

The last major concurrent change came with his hair. His hairline was evidently receding a bit. There was a certain level of curling that was etching into each follicle on his scalp, all of them lengthening a little as they turned and curved. Although some level of methodical shifts happened in his hair, still remaining slightly short while combing itself back. This quickly resulted in the final appearance of his hair to be fairly well kept and slightly volumed, albeit with small portions sticking out at points.

He continued to squeeze his stomach while his other hand raised to touch his face. He could only let out a single exhale as he felt his cheeks flush. By this point his brain just felt jumbled to say the least. Mainly in part because, while he couldn't fully comprehend it, the nanites in his system truly were rewriting how his brain operated. How his mind viewed… everything.

Knowledge was being shuffled and replaced. The requirements for his old cybersecurity job seemingly switched out for decades of new information. Ones needed by a now ex-boxer, ones needed by a bodyguard, ones needed by a head of security for a major corporation. All the memories required for such things, his own past being restructured to fit an identity that was replacing his old one rapidly. For a second he stared at Stark, the man continuing to go off about something, and it caused another spiral of memories to unleash itself upon him as his perspective shifted to seeing the man as more than a boss. A friend.

Gone were the perceptions of a simple internship, and gone were the youthful twenty-something years of memories. Instead it was reshuffled, rearranged, practically extended as his entire identity was altered beneath the transformative effects of the nanites. As far as he was aware he's been a part of Stark Industries for years. But even then so many blanks remained, so many years still missing. Things that the strange technology would have to deal with as this form remained like this longer. For the time being however, as the foreign feeling of it all faded, the haze started to lift as the new man steadily came to.

The last major change came with the man’s clothing, the technology within him doing something to shift his attire to fit his form more. All of it was growing a bit to fit his heftier body shape. The hem of his undershirt slipped down and tucking itself into his pants while the sleeves of it extended over his arms until they went a little over his wrist. A plain white color extended across the undershirt as the material shifted into something a bit finer. A split ran down the middle of the shirt as well, buttons manifesting out the material (and already fastened as well). The neckline extended upwards as well points folding out as the shirt became collared, its appearance now exactly that of a dress shirt.

The patterning on his flannel faded as blotches of black formed across it. The material shifted as well, the softness also becoming more fine and pressed. Multiple buttons were consumed by the changing material while others were changed, repositioned, and gotten a little larger. Especially the ones at the lower half, which had now made its way towards fastening itself around his stomach. The sleeves lengthened to match that of his undershirt, and the hem of the morphing clothing lengthened vertically as well. Some more shifts and folds occured as well with the collar lengthening a bit while a lapel folded out from the split. By this point the flannel had fully become a suit jacket instead.

The last bits of clothing changes were fairly standard as well. The rough denim of his jeans smoothing over, material shifting to one like that of his suit jacket. That being finely tailored and a deep black coloration to make them more like suit pants. A black leather belt also snaked around his waist with the silver buckle fastening once it was comfortably around him. His shoes were in the process of shifting as well, the urban feel of the sneakers being smoothed out as the cloth became a clean black leather. It all resulted in a formal feel to imprint into his footwear to change them into dress shoes.

With all of that done the very last pieces of his attire came with a tie. The object materialized beneath his shirt’s collar and elegantly tied itself around his neck before drifting down and tucking the rest of itself under his jacket. Although it ended up feeling a bit tight around his neck, the man being prompted to lower the hand touching his face in order to properly readjust it. That in itself was a sign he had come to to some degree, the words of Tony Stark’s rambling properly entering his ears.

“...then again it's not exactly cheap to manufacture these-”

“I-I'm sorry,” he interrupted, the man still trying to readjust his tie. “I think I blanked about ten minutes ago and didn't even hear any of that.”

Tony raised a brow, although a slight smirk had seemed to form on his face. “Fine, fine. Happy, what's the last thing you remember?”

That nickname ignited something within him, within Happy. A brown coloration overtook his irises as he started to respond. “Er- walking in here, I think…” he unhanded his tie and started to raise one up to his neck. “And a pain in my neck.”

“So nothing!” Tony said, faining exasperation. “You know, while I like to hear myself talk I don't necessarily enjoy having to re-explain ten minutes of work info.”

“Again, apologies. Truthfully it feels like I've blacked out most of the day anyway. I don't even remember waking up this morning.”

A momentary silence occurred as Tony seemingly was thinking of something to say in response. “Well they did say you may have some memory lapses ever since you had to start taking those nanite shots after that accident…”

“What do you…?” Happy raised a brow. He couldn't recall anything about that…

“See, this is why it's important to have others around you-” Stark got up and went to the other side of the table. He placed a hand on Happy’s shoulder and playfully shook him. “-to help you remember important information like this!”

“Tony, please.”

“It's nothing to worry about, bud,” Tony reassured. “We can go on an in-depth discussion on it after work.”

Happy seemed unconvinced, but let it go. His mind felt way too groggy to deal with much right now.

“Fine, fine,” he sat back in his chair. “Let's just get this meeting over with then.”

#tf #character tf #transformation #human tf #weight gain tf #age progression #male transformation

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houkagokappa · 5 months

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2023 was a year of slow recovery and new beginnings for me. 2022 ended and 2023 began with me finally, finally, finally, finally, FINALLY finishing my thesis, which allowed me a desperately needed fresh start, I could look ahead for once and not continue dragging the past behind me. I can't express how much of a relief that was, or how proud I am of myself for doing it against all odds. Yet, I don't really talk about it, because of all the shame I feel for taking so long with it.

However, with that chapter of my life finally over, I could focus on other things that I wanted to do academically and professionally. My studies still continue, but now I know how to pace myself, so it's going a lot better (it's actually going great, despite me never learning not to procrastinate or have anxiety over certain things, so now I try to take that into account as well as I can). I'm still thrilled I got that internship at the botanical museum I always dreamed of, and I had a good year working on Åland all summer long. I have some plans on what to do in the future, and although the uncertainty is stressful, I'm glad to have some vague ideas, because it feels like everything will be sorted out eventually.

This year I've also gone out a lot more. I'm active in a local(-ish) kimono group, and I've been making new friends there over a shared interest, so I've been getting new friends AND a place where I can fulfill my kimono hobby, which has been GREAT. I've also been spending time with my colleagues outside of the 2 weeks a year we see each other for the fieldwork we do. We've had casual hangouts, movie nights and of course the dnd one shot, that's been dragged out to a short campaign based on the amount of sessions we've had. Dnd is what kept me going during the pandemic, so it's nice to be back playing again. There's also my uni classmates, oil painting classmates, and old high school classmates, who I've been making a lot of fun plans with this year. Not to mention all my online friends, both old and new :) I'm at a point where it's sometimes difficult to keep up with everyone, and that's comforting in the sense that I now have people to turn to and hang out with when I need it, which hasn't always been the case and is something that's given me much grief in the past.

I'm no longer in therapy, and although I might still benefit from it, it's nice to see and feel how my mental health has improved enough that I no longer feel the absolute need for it. It's cool to see that I can go on without it, I'm doing much better for real. I have all these connections, hobbies, ideas and plans for what I want to do in the (near) future :')

So yeah, it's been a fairly good year.

#my nonsense #my life

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chemicalpink · 9 months

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ଘ(´•×•)⊃━☆ a (not so brief) life update

In case you've been wondering where I've been cause by now we all know I tend to just disappear.

A few days ago I felt like oversharing a bit for anyone interested, I feel like getting to this point of sharing is due and will allow me to stop this irrational fear of the internet that I have somehow developed as it tallies to my accountability on this blog.

So hang tight! Cause this is about to be a wild ride...

I'm not regressing to the very beginning cause this isn't about to be a therapy session but I will go back to the near beginnings of this account during the pandemic.

A little before lockdown as I was asked to collaborate as a customs specialist for a pop-up store (which then I found out to be BTS') so I got into them after my job was done. A bit after going down the rabbit hole I started this blog, without very much planning into it, just merely creating a safe space for the people with whom could potentially like the same things I did.

A few months into it, as a last year International Relations student on my way to law school, and with a bit of sleep deprived courage, I applied for an internship at BH online, not expecting much since I barely knew Korean and was most definitely stuck at home in a whole different continent. But things surprisingly worked out, I didn't get paid at all but it was a great learning experience. BH became HB and I got to experience that from the inside, my day went like this: school from 7am to 5 pm and work from 9pm to 3am (sometimes more)

I obviously never got to work directly with any idols, my work was merely global and very much law related. Customs, contracts, negotiations with international enterprises. When the lockdown was done with, I was asked to move and become a permanent worker of theirs, so I did. However, it involved a lot of moving around so I wasn't exactly based anywhere and living costs are quite a thing. During this time I was also profiling myself as a diplomat, so it was in all of our best interests that I became outsourced.

Which brings us to a timeline closer to the present, the person that was in charge of contacting me for the gigs that I used to do for them suddenly quit and while I'm sure they were doing whatever was best for them, left me fending for myself during may-june. I came back home with my parents during june-july and networked for a bit– at least enough to regroup my possibilities so during august-september I was allowed to staff and collaborate (on a lower level) on some big concerts/tours.

During this time however (july-september) I was mostly reliant on my parents and coincidentally, their work slowed down by a lot. The rather small amount of money I got from working here and there was spent on my medical treatment (during july my doctor let me know that I needed to get diagnosed properly for lupus and by august my treatment costs were up by a lot) I tried picking up freelance tutoring (a pain, truly) and other small hustles that didn't require me to tire myself out too much since most of my days I spent aching all over, while also caring for my mother who had to have an emergency glaucoma surgery.

Oh and I cried and felt miserable during my birthday so.

I believe that's where we are at. I can't exactly get a job since I need to apply to an unpaid internship in order to graduate law school but I can't apply for an internship because one of my teachers just suddenly decided to fail me in their class (which means I need to pass it first) so I try to get by with small, low commitment hustles and now I'm picking up more seriously my ko-fi content. Which is why, I haven't been on here.

Those damned retrogrades hit me good ngl.

I do want to say though, I am not in a state of emergency, however, I am not living comfortably, but I'm trying my best to pick myself up and be nice to myself with the decisions I make and actions I take by the minute. While also trying to save up to go visit my 17 year old sister that has just moved away to study medicine.

I am grateful for what I have and I cherish you all that have remained close to me (even in this infinite nothingness that is the internet) and I hope you've been treating yourselves kindly during this time. If you'll have me, let's navigate the rest of the year together.

If this gains a lot of traction, I'm privating it lmao. I have no issue now talking about it since I'm no longer working there but I made those NDAs myself so I know what I'm up to.

#wow look shes back #life update

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ramayantika · 9 months

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Random free gyan for chotus here

I took time off from social media, news, everything for a while. I logged out of my main insta page. I used the internet only to watch lectures, dance and writing. I have come back but I no longer login to tumblr like I used to nor do I use my other accounts for Instagram that much. My main account is still logged out since 27th August. Hence, here are some few things I discovered/realized

1. Navigating through loneliness, FOMO, and restlessness about your work/future/friends etc

I took a drop year in 2022, gave entrance exams till July and I have now secured a college. All this while I barely talked to my school friends who themselves were busy in their courses and college activities. So it does feel sad and a little depressing seeing everyone do other stuff while you are here in a small room studying the same 11th 12th books.

Then I made a new insta account once again after my exam dates neared so I would reconnect with everyone again. Does it happen so easily? Not at all. I was still alone. I would like reels, stories and posts but apart from that nothing except a few calls from friends.

That did give me a desperation to share everything about myself. No one to talk to, no friend nearby and you have so much to talk. I remember staying late up and writing god knows what on my closed stories, ranting about my crying episodes every damn thing. Then after getting a college I was still feeling lost, thinking what to do ahead regarding my career plans. I would then chat with whoever I found from school groups or online friends groupchats late at night but a lot of it was just shallow interaction because I wanted to pass time and not utilize time. We all write about the strange cringe feeling we get after oversharing about ourselves, put up memes for it, but do we ever work on it.

Yes, you can shitpost on tumblr, reblog those relatable posts but you have to put in work to control yourself. And after a while I was fed up. I knew I needed to change it. I needed to put a line over myself which made me disable and log out social media accounts. I came back home after completing my admission related work at my college, finally deciding to find my own worth, fix my restless hopeless personality for wanting to share everything on the first online app I get. This doesn't mean that you stop posting on tumblr. I literally wrote in all caps about savitha Sastry, dance stuff, college, yes. But if you are someone who is alone preparing for exams, away from friends, do not give in to that strong desperate urge to put up everything for everyone to read; to share every bit of it to the new person you made friends online.

I have had my own share of FOMO. Not knowing what I am doing with myself while seeing others doing internships, attending competitions, fests and trips while I sit here scrolling right to left. We are all online most of the time, but it is really necessary to not attach your sense of worth to social media.

Some of you are younger to me, still in school, and maybe you all aren't at that stage now, you all can be tomorrow for preparing for entrances or other stuff that will demand you to be away from social events for a while, to have a rigorous academic schedules. It's sad, but that's how it is. Maybe some change can be brought later for young minds to still have a healthy routine that combines studies as well as other activities.

If you all ever get this dreadful feeling wondering where you are, what are you doing, is it all even worth it. I need you all to take a deep breath. Yes, it is worth it. Yes, you are at the right place, and yes you are learning at this age so you are doing good. It's okay. Your attempts, your hardwork will always get you 'success.' failure is a path to success, and all that disappointment, sadness etc will exist. You will have endless doubts over yourself but please remember that all of it was worthy. You will definitely see in some later period that whatever you underwent was all worth it.

But what about my lost time, lost friends didi?

You know little ones, friends change with age. Some stay intact for a long time while some move away and sometimes you grow out of it. Sometimes you will also reconnect with those friends from class with whom you barely had any conversation but later you see them talking with you and you realize that they are fun too.

And about lost time... I did this mistake too. You all never lose time. You aren't ahead in the race nor are you behind. You are where you have to be. You will get your desired friends, colleges and life. But to reach there, that 'lost' time teaches you patience. And to learn patience, one needs to learn how to wait through hopeless situations and endless moments of despair where you want to give up. But that's the catch, if you give up, you don't learn it anymore.

This is why for every thing that sometimes goes wrong in your life at this delicate stage where you all are growing up, I want you all to be kind to yourself. Take a deep breath, and indulge yourself in your favourite activity or close your eyes and actually meditate or just listen to music depending on your mood. Yes, the same advice everyone gives, but it works. You all, me, everyone needs discipline bacha. Wherever you see yourself, be it career, financial stuff or relationships, one needs to learn discipline and patience. You need to learn how to control the mind because it's going to be very easy to fall into a mindless scrolling session, or giving in to other distracting temptations.

The mind loves chaos. It easily jumps to doubtful thoughts. In the end, from this age you need to learn to control the mind and take steps to be your best self, best adult figure for your younger self to look upto. Jin posts ko reblog karte ho ki I want to be the woman, my 10 year self would look upto etc uske liye effort time sab lagana padega.

Meine bhi voh memes pinterest posts like reblog ki hai that were about existential crisis, the absolute dread of not doing anything in life and other stuff that are actually problematic in the long run for the mind. Kahin na kahin tum jab inko like reblog karte ho they do retain inside your head and tum vaise hi mind ko train karte ho.

Aaj jee neet cuet ke liye akele sabse durr rehna hai, kal badme masters ke liye wait karna padega ek saal ya phir baki exams. Uske liye vapas doston se durr, ek room mein padhai, phone kamm, shaadiyan trips band hoti rahegi. We all need to take life in a simple and easy way too. And sometimes these problems have solutions that you all know deep inside but choose to procrastinate or not take a step towards it.

In the end all of you chotus, just understand one thing ki life badi hai. Aaj yeh nahi hai kuch mahine baad sab milega vapas. Phir kuch pal baad tumhe vapas se akele rehna padega yeh phase sabka hota rehta hai. Rona aarha hai ro lo, akelapan lagega but iske liye jaisa meine pehle kaha tumhe hi khudko kehna hoga ki mujhe apne life mein abhi bahut kuch karna hai yeh sab usi laksh tak le jayegi. I know you all are wonderful, and capable of so many things. You all need to wait for a while, and work hard. Tumhare friends sab tumhe badme milenge humesha aisa boring akela phase zindagi bhar nahi rehta aur nahi hai humesha Bunny from yjhd types happening hogi.

Jab yeh sab permanent nahi hai toh bas mann ko samjhao ki apne kaam pe dhyan do. Tumblr pe bhadas nikaldi kabhi ek baar kisiko overshare kar diya theek hai chalta hai par isse apni personality mein pura entwine nahi kar daalo.

You all are made for so much for. There's so much in life that you all will slowly experience, good and bad everything. You all are growing up and I wish you all the best for it.

#samridhi speaks #desiblr #log out maar rahi for now because I have dance class in an hour #this is for chotu mutuals who are in school #wish you all the best once again aur zindagi badi hai sirf vahi same dost aur same school life teenage life hi nahi hai agar mil gaya sab #acha toh good and if not toh aur bhi achi chizein wait kar rahi hai

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fartenthusiastwriter · 2 years

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The Saga of Billy Boy Part 4 - The Reveal (2/2)

Will Clay be comfortable with Will having a potential arrangement with Frank? Is Will prepared to risk it? Check out the tags for featured kinks. If you need it, you can find part 1 here, part 2 here, and part 3 here.

- - - - -

I was sitting with Clay at our small dinner table, eating some Chinese takeout. Clay had spent most of the dinner complaining about his day, only taking breaks to drink his beer. Clay was nearing the end of his rant, but first he finished his third beer. “My boss can suck my ass if he thinks his expectations will ever be met.” With that, Clay finishes the last few bites of his food.

I was a much slower eater, so I still had a bit to eat. “I’m sorry your boss is such an asshole, babe. I’m sure he’ll see that the deadline is impossible.” I took a bite. I knew I needed to talk to Clay about Frank. I didn’t spend much time thinking about it at work since I needed to focus extra hard with Frank’s gas in the air. Despite the smells, I got a lot done.

I thought about it after work and decided I wanted to give it a shot with Frank. Which, of course, meant I needed Clay’s consent as well. But with the way Clay’s day went, I wasn’t sure I wanted to bring it up. And frankly, Clay was a bit drunk at this point. I wasn’t sure how he would respond.

“I’m gonna go ahead and lay down while you finish dinner.” Clay said as he rose and crossed over to me to give me a kiss. I knew he’d probably fall asleep before I even got to bed with all the food and alcohol in his stomach. I had to do this now.

I leaned in to kiss him, but grabbed his arm as we pulled away. “There’s something I wanted to talk to you about… It’s about the new intern, Frank.”

Clay suddenly had a sense of clarity in his eyes. “Did you just say Frank? Is the new intern Frank Radford?”

I stared at Clay for a couple of seconds, shocked. “...yes, he is. How would you know that?”

Clay blinked at me, almost confused. “You don’t remember? Frank is my trainer. You even met him once when we first started a year ago! I guess he didn’t have a beard back then and his hair was shorter. I knew he was in college for accounting, but I had no idea he applied for the internship.” Clay seemed to like Frank; he almost glowed speaking about Frank. “Do you work closely with him? You must know about his… condition right?”

“That’s actually something I wanted to talk to you about.” I started, suddenly feeling bashful discovering they know each other. “He has shared with me his condition, since we share an office. And he has shared other things…” I trailed off, worried about what was coming next. “Frank likes farting on guys. He saw my Grindr before we met and put the pieces together. He proposed potentially meeting up outside of work…” I decided nothing more had to be said. He knew I was asking for his permission.

Clay sat back down and was silent. I couldn’t read his face. He was obviously thinking, but I had no idea how he felt. Finally, Clay opens his mouth to tell a story. “It’s funny. I knew about Frank’s condition before I even agreed to have him as my trainer. I hesitated but he had tons of great reviews with wonderful results. And you’ve seen the weight I’ve lost working with him! So I still agreed.

“When I first saw him fart in front of me, at first it was kind of funny, until I smelled it. The stench was unbearable. It honestly made me think how perfect he would be to fuck around with you, but I never imagined then… Right after Frank farted, he told me that each session we’d set time goals for myself. Any workout that didn’t meet the goal meant Frank would fart in my face until I finished. I laughed at the time, thinking there was no way he was serious.

“We got through several workouts with all my goals met, until I got to sit-ups. My gut back then made sit-ups pretty difficult so I did them slowly. When my goal passed, Frank walked over and stood behind my head, looking down on me. I could barely see his face over his crotch, which was prominent in his tight shorts. Looking back with a modern lens, I think he had a semi. He said I knew this was coming and turned around and squatted right on my face, ripping a fart right up my nose. He moved to my knees and yelled UP. I rose to my knees with a fart on my arrival. Frank repeated this method until I completed my sit-ups. It was my last workout of the session.

“I remember getting in the showers, thinking about how disgusting it was. The smell was miserable and I felt like I was never going to get it out. But I needed to, because I already decided I didn’t want to tell you. If you knew my trainer was this gassy beast, I knew you’d want him and at the time, I was pretty sure he was straight. So it wasn’t exactly like I could arrange things.

“That training and any other training I didn’t meet my goal was miserable. Over time, Frank became more aggressive with our goals and aggressive with his behavior. He loved using humiliating language while farting to help build my adrenaline. It was awful, but it made for really great workouts. I got better and better at meeting increasingly difficult goals.

“And I always thought back to you. I hated the treatment, but from what you’ve said, you would’ve been in heaven. Part of the reason I endured was to try and get to know Frank better and see if maybe there was some way he’d be into it since he did seem to really enjoy the training.”

Clay grabbed my hands and looked at me lovingly. “Willy, I say all this to say, if you’re comfortable having that relationship with him and still performing your work, I absolutely think you should give it a try. I love you and I want you to have all the fun you can. It seems like he can really give you what you want.”

I smile warmly. “Thank you, Clay. I love you, too.” I lean in and kiss him. “If I ever feel like my job is suffering from it, I’ll break it off.”

“I know you’ll do what’s best, babe.” Clay caressed my cheek. “Do you wanna go lay down?”

“That sounds great.” I replied.

“Great!” Clay exclaimed as he rose from his chair. I started to rise but he put a hand on my head. “I have a fun idea for bed.” Clay said with a bit of a smirk. With that, Clay turned around and pulled my face into his ass and blasted a fart in my face. “Sniff it.” Clay commanded.

I sniffed and sniffed, shocked by his behavior.

“My dinner and beer has me incredibly gassy. I think I’m drunk enough to give you the kind of teasing you like. You wanna come lay under my ass in bed and smell it’s bed talk” Clay proposed flirtatiously.

Those drinks really must be messing with him. But I’m diving in this time. I answer by digging my face into his ass and giving a big sniff.

“Good boy.” Clay said. “Go get the bed ready and get in position.”

I go into the bedroom. By 'get the bed ready', Clay means get the leg prop he uses for yoga that also allows him to comfortably expose his ass while laying down, giving me a perfect spot to put my face. It was my idea that we had done one other time.

I get it ready and in position. Clay enters in only his light blue briefs. His junk and ass both look magnificent. He gets into bed, putting his legs on the prop, and adjusting as he pushes his ass into my face as much as possible. A loud wet fart unleashes and I start sniffing immediately.

“That one sounded terrible. You better sniff louder so I don’t smell it.”

I follow his command. He farts several more times with similar teasing that slowly subsided. I could tell Clay was getting sleepy. But the relaxation of his body just meant even more gas was coming out of him. I decided to get comfortable and keep sniffing his sleepy gas. Eventually I fell asleep to his ass fumes.

- - - - -

That night I dreamt I was in a gym. I am facing a machine Clay is sitting at, with Frank yelling at him to keep pushing. I look around and see several gym goers using various machines. All incredibly muscular with sexy asses. I look back to Frank and Clay and notice I’m much shorter. I seem to be height with Frank’s ass once again.

Frank is squatting in front of Clay. “You can do it, man. Just a few more reps!” Frank encourages as a fart erupts from his ass. Frank and Clay both look down at me.

“Shouldn’t you be doing your part, bitch?” Clay said. I hear a couple of men nearby laughing.

“Get your face in my ass, Billy Boy” Frank said, grabbing my head and pulling it in. I sniffed deeply to get the lingering fart. Frank, Clay and several other men start laughing. I see some of the other men coming over. “Okay Billy Boy, I know my ass is home, but it’s time to help some of the other men.” He pulls me out and shoves me on the ground toward them “I need some alone time with your man.” He added.

Four muscular men approached me as two of them picked me up. They immediately shove my head in a third one’s ass. “Sniff this up, boy!” He said as he grunted and released a nasty fart all over my face. The four men laugh as I loudly sniff up the fart. I’m quickly moved to a different ass and the process repeats. The men die laughing as I sniff up fart after fart.

“Point him over here!” I hear Frank yell. I’m removed from the most recent farting ass and turned to see Frank and Clay. But they aren’t working out anymore. They’re naked, making out. But as I look closer I realize Frank is fucking Clay. And Clay looks more turned on than I’ve ever seen. Clay and Frank see me looking and they start to laugh at me along with the other four men.

The men throw me on the ground and surround my head. They squat, surrounding my nose with their four now bare asses. The last thing I remember is a barrage of farts.

- - - - -

Find out what happens when Will tells Frank in Part 5!

#gay fart story #gay farts #gay butt #eproctophilia #gay fart dream #cuck

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daegudrama · 1 year

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Title: The One That Got Away

Pairing: Yeonbin/Soogyu

Summary: In which Yeonjun reminisces about his first love only for him to come work at the same company as him while engaged to another man.

Word Count: 16,010 Words

ao3

Yeonjun

Sometimes I'll go weeks without checking his page, or even thinking about him, but lately that hasn't been the case. He's been creeping into my mind making me relive every beautiful moment we were together.

The tastefully decorated paper in front of me isn't making things any easier. Maybe I should let myself indulge in the memories of what we once were, if even for just a minute. I pull my phone out and quickly type in my passcode. I log into my old Instagram account from the summer after high school. Back to the time I first met Choi Soobin.

We met when we were the first people to arrive at dance class. I scroll down to that day seeing a mirror selfie with just a little of Soobin in the back. He snuck in while I was taking a photo and I got embarrassed.

"Oh, did I ruin your picture?" Soobin asked covering his face worried that he made a bad first impression.

I wouldn't know he was worried about that until much later. Soobin was immensely anxious about not fitting in with our class. He's never thought he was good enough and it breaks my heart a little more each time I see him doubting himself.

"No, it's okay don't worry about it." I said as I put my phone in my bag and began stretching.

Soobin joined me on the floor and we introduced ourselves while we warmed up. Talking to him was always easy. He has a way of putting people at ease and a level of understanding that is not common.

We both come from well off families and wanted to work in the entertainment industry. I wanted to debut in a group and he wanted to be a producer or vocalist. We were young kids that had no idea what we really wanted or what would be best for us. That summer we were chasing a wild dream.

After what I thought was the hardest dance class, but was far from it, I asked Soobin if he wanted to get boba. Neither of us had had time to really talk to anyone else and after awhile we stopped trying to. We made a few acquaintances but, most of them were just interested in dancing not making connections.

"I know this great place near my apartment. It's about three blocks away." Soobin said picking up his bag and wiping a drip of sweat from his neck.

From the moment I first saw him I thought he was attractive, but I knew the chances of him liking boys were low. I tried to not get my hopes up. Obviously, that didn't work out well but we had some great moments.

We arrived at the boba shop and realized we lived in the same building. Next door neighbors to be specific. Soobin and I talked for hours about how we ended up in this dance program. This is when I first heard about his internship.

Soobin found this dance program through a flier his academic advisor gave him. She thought it would be a great way for him to dip his toe into the industry. A way for him to hone skills. This class is selective and only twenty of the hundreds that apply get accepted. He never thought he would actually pass the audition.

As we drank our boba I took pictures of my surroundings saving them to my Snapchat memories. These days I'm glad I saved everything. Any time I miss him I can look through my old Instagram or Snapchat and suddenly it's like I'm 18 again.

I scroll to the next photo and see Soobin's shining smile staring back at me. The dimples in his cheeks and the smooth plains of his face make my heart ache. My hair was blue back then and we look so happy.

That summer I posted something every day even if it wasn't a good day. Posting a photo of us together after one day of knowing each other seemed weird to everyone else. There was just a connection that no one else could understand.

Another hard dance practice had Soobin and I going home to shower before meeting up outside our building. We decided to go on a cool down walk to a nearby riverside.

"Yeonjun!" Soobin said when he spotted me.

His hair was wet clinging to his forehead and even through his fatigue he wouldn't stop smiling. He was wearing a red tank top and black shorts. I don't think I'd remember that if not for the photo.

"Soobin, are you ready?" He swung his water bottle back and forth while nodding his head.

"You said something about a performing arts school yesterday. How difficult was it to be accepted? I applied there but didn't get accepted after my first audition." Soobin asked moments after we started walking.

I remember the sad look on his face like it was yesterday. He really wanted to attend the same school as me, but that wasn't his future. Soobin was jealous that I was chosen but I wouldn't find that out until much later.

"It was really difficult and I had to go through several rounds of auditions just to make the cut. You must've had a bad day. I've seen you dance and you are better than most of the people in my class."

I didn't know then why I was trying to hype up this beautiful dark haired man. Maybe my subconscious already knew something I didn't. I didn't lie to him about that. Genuinely, to this day, I think he was better than many of my classmates.

"Honestly, I had the worst day ever when I auditioned. I couldn't find my shoes so I was late and missed my bus. So, I ended up running to the venue and was five minutes late and already sweating. I tripped during a group number because someone else's spacing was off and when I got home my mom called me to say my childhood dog had died. I ate five ice creams to help my sorrow."

Later that summer we would laugh about his failed audition but the wound was still too fresh right then. It didn't help that I was accepted into the school he dreamed of going to.

"If your internship doesn't work out, which I'm sure it will, you can always apply again."

I wish he would have reapplied, but that wouldn't have been following his dream. For some reason he loved the idea of living in America and trying to make it there. It was always his plan B, but then it became plan A. Of course, that didn't work out for him but he's still happy.

"I guess so." He said in a defeated tone.

"What's your favorite ice cream?" I asked to deflect the conversation away.

Beside the river we sat a few feet apart still getting used to the feeling of being around each other. I remember feeling as if I could tell him everything even though it'd been such a short time. Later I would realize it's because he's my soulmate. Even now he is my one that got away.

"Do you want to take a picture?" He asked after we'd been sitting there for quite sometime.

The sun was setting nicely over the river an it was the perfect amount of light for a selfie. I nodded my head feeling the shine in my eyes as I looked at him. He set his phone on a timer on the bench in front of us and huddled close to me. He smiled wide and made a peace sign. I looked at him and felt happy. Before him I never knew another person could make me feel this way.

"We look cute." I said as we looked at the pictures together.

His hip was touching mine and my chest was filling with butterflies at an alarming rate. I wanted to reach out and touch him but I didn't think it was appropriate. After a moment I slide away giving myself room to breathe.

"Have you ever taken cute pictures like this with any other boys?" Soobin asked in an almost teasing tone.

"This is a Choi Soobin special." I replied impressed by my own quick wit.

"Do you have any dating history?" He asked after choosing the perfect photo for instagram.

If I hadn't already told him about my family yesterday that might have taken me off guard. Some part of me wanted to lie to make myself seem cooler and more attractive. My gut told me that was a bad idea.

"I've dated a few people and by a few I mean two." I said watching the light ripple of the river in front of me instead of looking into his eyes.

"Were they girls?" He asked catching me completely off guard.

Of course, I entertained the thought he might like men, but I didn't think we'd talk about it that soon. I debated whether I should come out and knew that any straight person wouldn't have asked such a question. Soobin looks into my eyes and my stomach turns.

"No." I answered simply outing myself. "What about you?"

He kept his gaze on me and answered confidently. His hands folded in his lap with his ankles neatly crossed. The confidence he held in that moment still surprises me.

"I've dated one guy last year and a girl during year nine." He paused to look at the river. "I had a fling this spring but I decided I needed to focus on performing. He couldn't understand."

After that conversation we walked home and before the doors closed Soobin followed my Instagram. I leaned against the closed door and slid down with a huge smile on my face. Choi Soobin was quite the man.

He slid in my DMs later that night and asked if I wanted to walk to class with him in the morning. Of course, I said yes and that was that. For the rest of the summer we walked together to class every day.

At the end of our first week I posted a picture of the moon beside a blurry picture of Soobin smiling. That week was so hard on my body and mind but it was the first time in so long that I was genuinely happy.

Soobin knocked on my door around 10 PM on the first Friday of that summer. He knew I was awake because he could hear my music playing. Seeing as I hadn't really talked to anyone else I knew it was him. What I didn't expect is why he was there.

"Good evening, Yeonjun. Would you care to join me on the roof for a drink?" He asked when I open the door.

He was wearing an oversized hoodie and shorts. The blue fabric contrasted against his skin nicely. There was no way I could say no to this angel face.

"Give me one minute."

I ducked behind the door and ran to my bathroom to quickly sort out my hair. I changed into a more comfortable hoodie and laced my shoes before stepping outside.

"Let's go." I said enthusiastically excited to see the view from the roof.

Soobin had lived there longer and knew the best spot for a late night drink. He had set up two chairs and someone had left a beanbag up here. Behind a concrete block he found a small table where we set our soju down.

"To a summer of success." I said after he'd poured me my first shot.

He mimicked me turning away slightly as he drank before settling back. Soobin brushed a strand of hair out of his eyes and began rambling about a kid in our class.

As I listened to him speak I looked out onto the skyline appreciating the true beauty it holds. The later it got the deeper our conversation drifted. By three we knew each other's coming out stories and pieces of childhood trauma. Somewhere around one we had a photo shoot which is where the photos for that days post came from.

"And sometimes I wonder if I'm good enough to even be here." Soobin said when we were throughly drunk and out of alcohol.

I remember the heartbreaking look in his eyes as he gazed over the skyline. My mind raced to find the right thing to say to him in that moment. The intoxicated blood running through my veins wasn't helping.

"You wouldn't be here if you weren't good." I said tapping his shoulder lightly so he'd look at me. "I know talent and you have it. If your vocals are half as good as your dancing then you will be a star for sure."

"Jjuni, would you like to hear a song?" He asked suddenly smiling with a devious look in eyes.

That was the first time he called me Jjuni but it was far from the last time. The look in his eyes made me think he knew he was about to make me fall in love with him.

He sung a slow ballad as he stared off into the night sky. Soobin has golden vocal chords and a passion that can be seen from miles away. From the first note I knew I was a goner. I knew from that moment that falling for him was inevitable.

"Did you write that? I haven't heard it before." I said and he looked down shyly like he hadn't just poured his heart out.

"It's about Beomgyu." He whispered like he didn't want to admit he wrote a song about his spring fling.

Soobin loved deeply and even though he was only with Beomgyu for a short amount of time it affected him. He wants everyone to feel joy and love life as much as he does. The song was bittersweet remembering sweet words mixed with the awkward ending.

"Hey, if it's meant to be you'll find your way back." I said when I saw the sad look in his eyes.

Every cell in my body is screaming now knowing how that turned out.

"I guess you're right." He said and leaned his head against my shoulder, after pulling our chairs together.

I wrapped my arm around him nearly breathless from the close contact. After a few more minutes I decided it was probably time for bed.

"Binnie, lets go to bed." I said sleepily pulling him off the chair.

"Together?" He muttered and I wondered if he was drunker than I was.

As much as I would have loved to do that, I knew that wasn't responsible. I didn't want to completely shut out the thought so I deflected.

"Maybe tomorrow." I replied as I successfully pulled him up and gathered our trash.

"Okay." Soobin said and I led him back to his door where he got inside safely.

The next day he texted me telling what a good time it was. I can still remember how that text made my heart sing. Young love is so pure and reckless.

Each post captures another day from the best summer of my life. The first month is filled with soft orange and yellow tones. I shot them like I already knew the nostalgia they would one day bring me. Soobin's smile is the main focus and it's bittersweet.

Everyone in our class, including the instructors, thought Soobin and I were dating by the end of the first month. The truth was we hadn't done anything more than cuddle a few times, at that point. We spent so much time together that everyone made assumptions.

June 30th was the day Soobin received his acceptance email for the internship in America. That day I posted a photo of him with mountains of food in front of him.

Soobin barged in my apartment that day with the happiest look I've ever seen on his face. He rushed towards me shoving his phone in my face.

"I got accepted! I have an internship in America!!" He let me read the email as he spoke and I jumped up.

"Binnie, I'm so proud of you!" I said as I wrapped my arms around him holding him close.

At that moment a small part of my mind wondered where that would leave us at the end of the summer. We hadn't confessed yet but I was trying to plan it perfectly. In the short time we'd know each other we'd become inseparable. Soobin became my best friend so quickly the idea of being apart come August was devastating.

"Let's go get dinner! My treat." I said after he pulled away smiling down at his phone.

He picked a traditional restaurant and I didn't care how much it cost. I was so proud of him for achieving his dream. He taught me a lot about chasing dreams that summer. Sometimes I wish I'd followed my original plan.

When all the food had arrived I asked him to smile for my daily post. Throughout dinner I was planning the sappy caption that is burning my eyes right now. We laughed and talked about what he was most excited for.

"I've been meaning to say this for awhile now..." Soobin trailed off as we walked alongside the dark river only illuminated by the dim street lamps.

"What is it?" I asked taking his hand in mine.

Holding hands had become a regular thing for us at that point. It's no wonder everyone thought we were already dating. At some point all the boundaries dissipated. We were so comfortable with each other it was like we've known each other for years not one month.

"I like you. As more than a friend and I feel like I'd regret it if I never said anything. I don't want to go to America with any regrets."

I still remember the anxious look on his face as he waited for me to reply. There was so much vulnerability in the moment and I'm so glad that I could relieve the tension.

Of course, I thought there was more between us then just friends but I didn't want to assume. Part of me thought someone like him could never like me. My eyes widened when he said those words and my heart started beating a million miles a minute. Every second was precious and every moment I knew Soobin was growing more anxious. So without thought I blurted out what my heart was feeling.

"I've been trying to find the right time to tell you for the last two weeks. I wanted to find a perfect moment and make it memorable and remarkable. Everything with you is so beautiful and interesting. Of course, I like you too a lot. Probably more than I should."

He wrapped his arms around me tightly and his smile could have lit up an entire city. After he pulled away he asked the question I didn't think I'd hear that summer.

"Yeonjun, will you be my boyfriend?"

"Of course." I replied as I pulled him back into my arms.

The next morning he brought me a muffin and a coffee. He said it's what a good boyfriend does and I can still remember the happiness I felt. Soobin brought me the feeling of lying out on the river bed after a particularly long and cold winter. The warmth that I'm doubtful I'll ever feel again. We were so young and carefree.

I skip a few photos until a picture of us in front of the dance studio catches my eye. It was about a week after he asked me to be his boyfriend. We were wearing matching tank tops that the dance company provided and joggers. I'm kissing his cheek while he tried to hide his face.

Before class we asked a classmate to take a photo of us. Surprisingly, no one in the company seemed to care that we are gay. I wrapped my arm around his waist and stretched up to kiss his cheek. I think he was taken aback because we didn't have our first kiss until later that day.

To this day I'm not sure why we took so long. Maybe we didn't want to rush anything and risk ruining the greatness we had. Then again everything after the first kiss was like riding down a steep hill. It was fun, exhilarating even, until we realized there was no safe stopping point.

Dance practice was easier than usual that day and we decided to get boba afterwards. The cashier had started recognizing us because we came so often. She knew our drinks by heart and quickly had them ready.

We sat by the window and discussed what we wanted to do with the rest of the day. Soobin's dimples showed as he smiled looking out the window. After a moment he took a big sip of his drink.

"I didn't sleep well last night." He said after he swallowed and I rubbed his shoulder concerned. "Let me nap for an hour then we can go to the carnival one of the boys were talking about."

"Okay that sounds like a good idea." I replied wanting him to feel his best.

In the moment I wanted to ask why he didn't sleep well but something told me he wouldn't have given me a proper response. We had so much going on it would've been hard to pinpoint it.

While we drank our boba he gushed about how well another classmate was doing. I remember how jealous I was at the time but that's stupid kid stuff now. I had no reason to be jealous of him, but I was young and insecure.

We walked home together and went our separate ways for an hour. I spent my time watching a drama because everything else was too loud. I didn't want to disturb Soobin. He deserved to rest.

He knocked on my door when he was ready to go. His haired was styled and he was wearing a cute outfit. Nothing over the top, but different from the comfy clothes he usually wore. I had decided to step my style up too. This felt like a first date even though we hadn't said that.

There is a photo of us at the carnival somewhere on the internet but right I'll focus on Instagram.

"Kai said there are lots of games and rides!" Soobin said enthusiastically taking my hand. "He and Taehyun are already there."

I squeezed his hand and felt my stomach flutter at the sight of his pure happiness. Soobin has always been shy but for some reason he's so good at making people like him. It's gotten him far in life so far.

"I'll win you a win plushie." I promised as we sped towards the carnival.

He rolled his eyes but was over the moon when I finally managed to win him a bunny. We played games and rode rides for hours. Somewhere along that time we met up with Huening Kai and Kang Taehyun. Eventually Soobin wanted to slip away from them.

"There's something I've wanted to for awhile now." Soobin said as he wrapped his arms around my neck. I could feel the plushie he was holding against my back.

"What's that?" I swallowed my nervous anticipation trying to make myself seem like the calm, cool and collected person he knew me as.

He didn't reply, instead leaning forward to press his lips against mine. I know it sounds stupid, but I really felt the warm fuzzy firework feeling they talk about in movies. I laid my hands on his tiny waist and pulled him closer. I didn't want the kiss to end. I'd never had one quite so breathtaking. Nothing has lived up to what Soobin could do for me.

We stood in the middle of the carnival and kissed like no one could see us. Maybe we came to improve our dancing that summer, but by the end it wasn't about just that. I often wonder how different my life might be if I'd never had a taste of his love.

Later we ended up squished into my twin bed desperately trying to exhaust our overwhelming hormones. Somehow, we thought making out with nothing but the flimsy fabric of our clothes separating our bodies would help.

I stopped us for from going any further that night. It wasn't that I didn't want to; I just didn't think it was a good idea. Soobin didn't object because he's a good a human. Instead he cuddled into my side and asked if I wanted to watch cat videos.

Each day we spent together brought us closer. It got to the point where we were sleeping at each other's apartments daily. I learned his little habits but over the years I've forgotten most of them. It's funny how time erases our memories without us ever realizing. The memories I hold tightly too are the ones I surely won't forget, but they aren't always the most important.

"Yeonjun?" He asked one midsummer night after we had finished our takeout.

"Yes?" I responded from the kitchen where I was cleaning up the containers and sorting the trash.

"Why do you like me?"

I remember stopping dead in my tracks and rushing to his side. He didn't say things like that often so it worried me. For a few days I had been waiting for the moment to tell him how my feelings had changed. I knew if I didn't say anything I would regret it. We only had so much time together before we'd be across the world from each other. Before he'd leave me.

"Soobin, I like everything about you from the way you always ask for five more minutes of sleep to the way you never back down from difficult situations. You are a beacon of light in my life." I paused taking his hand in mine. "I love you more than I've ever loved anyone. I know that's crazy to say because we've know each other such a short time but it's true."

"I love you too." He replied with a soft smile that reached his eyes.

That night we started the dangerous downhill journey. Recklessly in love and we didn't care who knew about it. We did everything we ever wanted in the moment. I'm not sure either of us thought there was an end in sight.

When I wasn't practicing choreography or writing songs I was by Soobin's side. Sometimes we practiced together or just watched movies. Cuddled, kissed and everything in between while I tried to brush away the thought that soon he'd be in America.

The next photo that catches my eye is our complementary tattoos. I lift the sleeve of my shirt to look at the line art bunny that is a permanent reminder of that summer.

It was after a particularly hard double rehearsal and we felt like doing something fun. Soobin had gotten yelled at for accepting the internship and for not being good enough for it. Obviously, I didn't agree with that and I told Soobin that as soon as we left class.

"Love, he's just jealous he's stuck here teaching a bunch of teenagers while you are going to be living the dream." I said wrapping my arm around his waist and trying to pull him closer.

"He's right. I'm don't deserve it. I need to prove myself. I'm not good enough."

It took me an hour to convince him he had nothing to prove. He was best in the class after me and I wouldn't lie to him. Somewhere in that hour we showered and he was plotting to get tattoos.

"Yeonjun, let's get tattoos." he said abruptly while lying on my chest. "I want something that reminds me of you every time I look at it."

I was a lot bolder then and there didn't seem to be any consequences. I thought this man would love me for the rest of our lives. How naive was I?

"What are you thinking?" I asked already knowing he was going to say a fox.

For some reason I'm referred to as a fox and he a bunny. I'm not sure why we started that or where it came from really. But now it's permanently on our bodies.

He hasn't tried to get it covered from what I know and that makes me wonder what he said when Beomgyu asked. I find some satisfaction in the fact he is reminded of me every time he sees his tattoo.

"I'll get a fox for you and you get a bunny for me."

I kissed him and told him how much I loved him. I agreed to get a bunny on my bicep and we called a taxi to the nearest tattoo shop open. We didn't care how much it cost or how long we had to wait. We just wanted this reminder on our arms. The artist drew exactly what we wanted. Simple line art drawings that haunt me.

Everything was good after that until it wasn't. The closer we got to the end of the summer the more we started arguing. We didn't know what to do because we'd been living in fantasy land for the last three months.

"So that's it?" I remember yelling on the rooftop with five days until he left for America. "You don't want to continue our relationship?"

"Yeonjun, stop twisting my words! That's not what I said." He stood in front of me with sad eyes. "I said we really need to think about what is best. We are going to be busy."

"I love you, Soobin." I said tears threatening to spill out of my eyes.

"I love you too." He said taking my face in his hands. "I'm going to be sixteen hours behind. You are going to be busy training and going to school. I'm going to be working constantly and I don't know if there is enough time for us right now."

It has been years but I can remember the pain of my heart shattering. Every word he said made me want to hold him tighter so he couldn't get away. I rested my head against his shoulder. There was no use fighting with him. He was going to get his way even if he just stopped answering me all together.

"So you want us to focus on ourselves?" I asked still clinging to him.

"Not forever just for a little while."

The photo I posted that day was of a chocolate bunny I smashed with a hammer. It was a healthy way to relieve the anger I was feeling. I was more upset than angry to be honest. I just wanted to spend my time with the person who understood me best and cared for me more than anyone ever had.

It's funny he said just for a little while, because we never got back together. I haven't talked to him in person since he left to go to America. We've been at a few of the same events but I never tell him because I still can't handle myself. It has become amicable. He wishes me a happy birthday every year and we comment on each others posts sometimes. I support the company he works for and we've even called a few times. I never say what I really want too, but that's okay I've accepted it's better for me to keep my mouth shut.

It's hard to do that when his wedding invitation to his 'spring fling' is sitting in front of me. Why on earth did he think it was a good idea to send an invitation to his ex? Does Beomgyu not care? Have I become so insignificant that he doesn't even remember? I wouldn't call us friends because it's still too awkward for that. He says he wants his friend back but we were only just friends for a month. If I was getting married I wouldn't send him one.

I was Soobin's first for a lot of things but apparently I can't hold to Choi Beomgyu. I've seen photos of them together and my heart still twinges with jealousy after all these years. They look so happy that I can't reveal how I feel no matter how much I want too.

That makes me think of a letter I wrote last year that I never sent. I wrote it right after I learned about their engagement and spent the next three days wondering why god hates me.

I walk over to the closet not knowing why I want to bring myself more pain. From under a box of college memorabilia I pull the letter I wrote. I carefully unfold it and read.

To my Binnie,

I don't know why I'm writing this because it's unlikely I'll ever send it. Writing it down is sort of therapeutic for me, I guess. I wrote a few songs but it feels wrong to release them without your permission. So here I am.

Today is five years since we met and my heart has yet to forgot the sweet melody of your voice or the hypnotic swing of your hips. Occasionally, I indulge and look at the memories I can't bring myself to erase. I think I'd lose a piece of my soul if I misplaced those.

The summer I spent with you is still one, if not the, best of my life. There was such pure euphoria in spending moments drunk on the roof or cuddling in your bed when we should have been rehearsing. When I look at our photos and videos I feel that happiness again but it's masked with sadness.

Most weeks I can go without overthinking every detail of our last month. Other times it's all I think about and I can't help but agonize over it. I can't help but wonder what we could be if we were still together. To this day, I still think you are my perfect match. There was an undeniable click from the moment we met. Being with you felt like breathing fresh air for the first time in months. I curse the universe everyday for letting me meet you at the wrong time. Maybe things would be different if we'd met now.

I miss what we had more than anything. The late night talks and the early breakfasts before dance rehearsal. The security and friendship you gave me made me feel whole again.

I know it's too late now. I've looked at your Instagram, you've moved on and seem to be thriving. You're getting married? I want to call but I don't think it's fair anymore. I don't want to intrude where I'm not wanted.

I almost text you sometimes when I see something that reminds me of you then I remember we aren't friends anymore, at least not good friends. My heart still plays tricks on me thinking you might be the one making my phone ring. It's never you though. You aren't coming back.

I might've hugged you a little tighter and kissed you a little longer if I'd know that was the last time I'd see you. I sobbed in the car outside the airport when I dropped you off. Letting you go chase your dream was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I'm not sure how I was strong enough to let the best thing in my life fly away. In another life I would've made you stay and we would've kept all our promises.

Soobin, I still love you more than anything in this world. I would give up my whole career for another shot to be with you. Nothing can compare to the way you make me feel. When you left I became an empty shell of a person. Only recently have I gotten my shit together and only because I know you would want me to be happy.

I love you. I love you. I love you.

I don't think that will ever change no matter how many years pass or how many men I meet. It's always been you and it will always be you. It sounds so cliche but you are truly the one that got away. A piece of my heart is still with you and probably always will be. Take care of it please.

If you ever want to come back home you know where I hide the key.

Love always,

Your Jjuni

My words feel stupid. Even if I'd sent this nothing would have happened. At most he would have sent another long paragraph about how he's sorry he broke my heart. Beomgyu is his true love and it would be selfish for me to interfere. I won't go to their wedding unless he personally messages me. I know he won't.

I should stop dwelling on the past and get some rest. Tomorrow I'm meeting a new talent my company wants to work with. I put the letter away and get ready for bed hoping sunrise will bring a better day.

Once I get to the office I ask one of the interns where the new talent is waiting and she tells me he's in the artist lounge. I've never met this person because I've been away or busy doing other things while he was here. The other producers and managers seem to love him. I introduce myself as I enter the room.

"Hello I'm the lead choreographer and producer–"

"Choi Yeonjun." Says a voice I could pick out of a hundred people with my eyes closed.

"Why are you here?" I snap and he looks taken aback by my rudeness.

Maybe I shouldn't be so harsh. It's not his fault I can't get over him. Keeping myself at a distance is easier than letting him worm his way back into my heart. The last thing I need is a glimmer of hope. He's getting married soon.

"Because this is one of the best companies in the country and I miss my friend."

He's leaning back into the couch with a comfortable look on his face. He already seems at home. His stupid eyes shine just as bright as the last time I saw him and somehow he's even more handsome in person.

"We were hardly friends. How many times do I have to say that?"

He looks hurt at the words I'm saying. I know we were actually really good friends but acknowledging that makes it seem like I could do that again. I don't think my emotions could take being around the man who broke my heart into a million pieces and has taken half of them around the world with him.

"Did your invitation find you well?"

Why would he say that? Why have they paired me with him? I know there is no way I can get out of this. I need to act professional and not feed in to anything he says.

"We have work to do. Follow me to the rehearsal space. Don't talk about personal matters. We are in a professional environment."

I turn on my heels and walk out of the artist lounge. I briefly look over my shoulder to make sure he's following. He looks upset. Obviously, he'd imagined a more heartwarming reunion.

Soobin manages to keep it professional until the end of the day when he runs into me outside the building. I think about going back inside but I know that's a cop out.

"Yeonjun, I thought we were past this." He says following me as I start walking away. "I'm doing what I always planned."

I don't want to do this. I don't want to have this conversation again. I want to live in my bubble where I don't have to see him every day. I don't want to think about him.

"It was supposed to be me." I let the words slip and immediately regret it when I see the solemn look on his face.

I don't want him to feel what I feel. I want Soobin to be happy and have everything he wants. It's just hard when at one time I thought he'd be doing it with me. We'd talked of things far in the future and he just let them go without seeming to be hurt.

"Jjuni, it's been six years...we've talked about this." He steps in front of me. "We were kids it was foolish to think I'd come home and everything would be the same."

"Don't call me that. Every time you talk about this it's like it doesn't mean anything to you. To you I was just some summer fling but to me you're the one that got away." I say refusing to meet his eyes.

Soobin's jaw drops like he wasn't expecting me say something like that. I've refrained from saying something like this for years purely out of respect for Beomgyu. With Soobin here standing in front of me I can't possibly hide my feelings anymore.

"Of course it meant something to me." Soobin says tapping where my tattoo is hidden by my sleeve. I don't shrug him off like I should. I can't find it in myself too. I look into his eyes. "You'll always be my first love."

"You can't say that and expect me to be able to work with you every day!" I say looking behind his head in frustration. "You could've chosen any company..."

"I'm sorry...not every company has Choi Yeonjun. I want the best shot at debuting again and I want the best teacher."

Two years ago he debuted, after three years of training, with a group under a different company. They were decently successful as rookies, even winning a few awards, until rumors involving his members started circulating. The rumors were proven true. They were forced to disband and Soobin left the company.

"It's going to be years before they let you debut unless you join a group. Especially if you want to be out. They've let me be out publicly because I mostly stay behind the scenes but they typically aren't so kind to lead talent."

"I'm willing to deal with that. I really want to be your friend. I know this is hard and I'll go as slow as you need me too." Soobin puts a hand on the side of my face then quickly lets go. "I've changed a lot it's almost like meeting a new person."

"You still like late night ice cream and back rubs after a hard day. You're still empathic almost to a fault and you will do anything to make people happy. You're still shy and need to be reassured often. You still go live for your fans to avoid dance practice and hate extra exercise." I sigh looking at his expensive shoes. "Maybe a lot has changed but you're still the boy I fell in love with all those years ago."

I tap his bicep where I know his tattoo is hiding. He looks like he might wail in pain, but looks into my eyes instead. His eyes are watering and my chest aches.

"I'll see you tomorrow." He says and walks away from me without a true destination mind.

At home I pull out my college memories box again. A loose bottle cap from a Soju bottle catches my eye. It was a keep sake from the first time we drank together. But it isn't what I'm looking for.

It takes a moment to find the flash drive buried under countless notes and items from the last few years. This flash drive has seven songs about Soobin that I haven't released because it didn't feel right. Part of me wonders if it would be strange to give it to him now.

I shove the flash drive and the letter I wrote last year into my work bag. My heart tells me it's a good idea but my brain knows I'll likely never give them to Soobin.

After a quick shower I eat some instant ramen while watching videos of Soobin's rehearsal. Today was an assessment for me to see where he's at.

The higher ups trust my opinion and want my recommendation of where to place him. I will have to speak to him about his willingness to be in a group. We've been trying to form a new one.

He's improved tremendously since we danced together, but today he was having a hard time. I'm sure it has to do with the way I treated him. Being cold and professional is the last thing I wanted to do. But it was what needed to happen.

Tomorrow Soobin will be thrown in with our other trainees. He's at least four years older than most of them. Soobin is youthful and friendly even when he's shy. I'm sure he'll fit in well even with the age difference.

I find it hard to sleep with so many thoughts and possibilities assaulting my mind. I truly with my entire heart want the best for Soobin. I hate how the world treats us. He can't even legally get married here. I can't legally get married. If he wants a successful career he might have to hide a part of himself.

My dream of debuting in a group fell off when Soobin left. I decided to focus on producing and choreography. A big part of that was not wanting to hide a part of myself.

I've seen a few people over the years but nothing sticks. Management figured it out and made it clear it didn't matter to them. However, their more popular artists aren't allowed to discuss dating or many related topics. I understand in theory why they do that, but it doesn't excuse it.

Coffee is my saving grace in the morning. I'm almost late after oversleeping and I wish I could just start over. I wish I could shut my mind off for two minutes.

An intern greets me in the hallway and my greeting sounds a lot angry then I intended. I'll be sure to apologize later. Maybe I'll bring her a snack.

The trainees are waiting for me in the dance studio according to my co-worker. I walk into the studio looking at the familiar faces. Most of these trainees have been here for more than a year already.

"Choi Soobin." I say loud enough to be heard across the room. I motion for him to join me. "Everyone else stretch out."

Soobin follows me to a practice room close by and sits on the sofa when I tell him too. After sitting in a desk chair across from him I analyze his expression.

He looks worried and I guess I would be too, after being singled out. Soobin doesn't know I'm here to have a discussion about what he wants to do. I'm looking out for him. He's already trained and knows what will work for him.

"Take a deep breath. You aren't in trouble." I see his shoulders release tension. "You've been through a lot in the last two years."

He takes in a sharp breath and his eyes fly up to study my face. I'm trying my best to keep my face neutral but my acting classes are failing me right now.

"I'd rather not talk about that." Soobin says meekly.

"I didn't think you would, but I need to know how you feel about being placed. We have been trying to form a group for almost a year. If you are willing to be in another group you could debut much faster, but there will probably be sacrifices."

"Sacrifices..." He mutters squeezing his hands together. Surely a new nervous habit. "Do you think I can debut without having to hide myself?"

"Maybe if you use ambiguous language but even then you won't be able to show him off or talk about him romantically." I say truthfully.

There is a slight chance our company would let him be his true self with no boundaries. If they can see how absolutely talented and show stopping he is. I'd only our company could see him through my eyes. They'd give him whatever he wants. But I'm not in charge of publicity or contracts. They'll take my word with a grain of salt.

"Beomgyu understands the sacrifices we will have to make for me to be an idol. He's a trainee at another company, but a small one that is much more open minded."

I feel like someone's rolled a pizza cutter over my heart when Beomgyu's name leaves Soobin's lips. My mouth falls into a frown.

"I don't decide these things but I thought it might be easier to talk to me first." I say gently. "The right group is what I think would be best for you. None of this is going to be easy."

"I know, but I want it." He sighs rubbing his face. "It is kind of strange talking to you about this. I never imagined I'd actually end up here."

Has he been thinking about this for a long time? I wonder how long he's been planning on auditioning here.

"I'm breaking normal protocol doing by doing this. We should get back to rehearsal."

He says thank you before following me back to the dance studio. Soobin joins the other trainees and my phone buzzes. I see a text from a co-worker asking me to come to the recording studio. I let my co-choreography know what I'm doing and leave the room.

I notice Soobin's name on a locker near the dance studio. I try his mothers birthday (knowing that's what he used to use as a passcode) and it unlocks. Is it bad my first thought was to break in? For a moment I debate whether I should leave my note and songs.

A part of me thinks I'll regret it if I don't let him hear everything I have to say. I want everything I've felt I've ether last six years to be known. Friends isn't an option until he knows the hell I've gone through missing him.

I put the flash drive inside the envelope with the note and leave it on top of his shoes. Quickly I close his locker and lock it like I was never here. I likely won't have to see him for the rest of the day.

Thankfully, I'm so immersed in new music for the next eight hours I hardly have time to think about what I've done. Until I have to go back to the dance studio. Should I check to see if he's taken it? No, focus on what you need to do.

One of our solo artists is needed to record a promo. I spot Soobin in a practice room messing around with another trainee. I tell the solo artist where to go and that I'll be up there soon.

I knock on the door of the practice room and the boys freeze. I open the door and Soobin's face turns white. He must have read the letter...my heart rate increases drastically. I feel like I might start sweating. My face must be bright red.

"If you are going to mess around and not practice just go home. This isn't a playground." I manage to say before speed walking away.

"Is he alright?" I hear the other kid say to Soobin as I walk away.

No. I'm not okay. The love of my life just read my embarrassing letter and will surely listen to my pathetic songs soon. Why did I do this? It's not like he's going to leave Beomgyu. I've seen pictures he looks like a doll and I'm sure he's just as nice. I'm so dumb.

I manage to make it home without running into Soobin again. Anxiety has begun holding every single muscle in my body hostage. Every other thought is wondering if he's listened to the songs and what he thought. They are labeled with the date. None of them are from the last four years so hopefully that makes it a little less creepy.

While I was watching footage of the trainees my co-worked sent me my phone starts ringing. It's Soobin. I panic not picking up until the forth ring trying to think of what he's going to say.

"Can we meet up?" Soobin asks without saying hello first.

I think for a few moments before I respond. That's not what I expected. I weigh my options. We need closure. Well more like I need final closure and this will likely give me that. I agree to meet him in a bar near the trainee's dorm. This place is chill and secluded. People still recognize Soobin often. He hasn't been active publicly for awhile but not everyone has forgotten.

It's nearly midnight when I arrive at the bar. I walk inside and scan the crowded room looking for his sweet face. I find him hunched over his phone with one headphone in at a booth. He's found a corner away from everyone.

Almost silently I sit down my anxiety at an all time high. He takes the headphone out of his ear and looks up at me. Soobin's eyes are red and puffy as if he'd been crying recently. My heart sinks and all I want is to comfort him.

"I ordered you a beer you used to drink." He says and is cut off by the waitress appearing with two bottles of beer.

We thank her and I take a sip not knowing what to say right now. He called me here he should be the one to talk.

"I'm so sorry for the pain I've caused you." He says after a moment. "The songs are beautiful and heartbreaking. Our summer..."

He trails off like he doesn't know what to say about 'Our Summer.' One of the many songs I've written about him. There are more than the seven but those are the only finished ones.

"I almost sold that song to Kang Taehyun. You remember him? It didn't feel right without asking and I wasn't going to do that. Especially since you moved on remarkably fast."

"I've told you it just happened. I know it wasn't good timing." He's speaking softly almost like he doesn't want to be heard. "Taehyun would have sounded good singing that, but nothing compared to you."

WHAT IS HE DOING? Why can he still effect me like this? I wish I could switch off all my emotions and say everything I want. The songs have said basically everything though I suppose.

I take a long drink from my beer wanting him to keep speaking. I still don't know what I should say. Why did I come?

"Yeonjun, this is a lot to take in. Honestly, reading and listening to what you wrote is confusing me."

"Confusing you?"

My heart bursts with hope but my brain quickly shuts it down. He's about to get married to his dream man. Why would he even entertain the thought of leaving him?

"You're bringing up feeling for you that I never completely dealt with." Soobin says and I want to scream. "I've spent the last two hours crying, listening to your songs and reading your letter over and over. I tried calling Beomgyu to distract me but he's still at his company."

"I'm sorry I made you cry." I say briefly touching his arm across the table before realizing I shouldn't.

He catches my hand and I can see tears welling up. I stroke the back of his hand. I don't know how much more of this my heart can take. I feel like I've been transported back six years. Like it's the end of summer and we are grabbing one last drink before we have to go our separate ways.

"I'm wondering why you didn't fight harder." He flips his hand so he can hold mine and squeeze it. I hope he doesn't mind the thin layer of sweat. "The songs made it so clear you wanted to."

"I have more songs that aren't finished that would probably explain it better. You went back to your spring fling and stopped contacting me." I pull my hand away from him. It's too comfortable and making me feel better. He shouldn't have that power. "I thought it was what you really wanted. Then it got serious between you two and it definitely wasn't right for me to intervene."

"At the time I started seeing Beomgyu again losing you was still my biggest regret. The first year and a half was rough because I didn't realize why I wanted him so bad. At first it wasn't about Beomgyu it was just that he was there." He buries his head in his hands and sighs. "I accepted you weren't going to come after awhile and became actually happy with him."

I pound my beer before saying my next words.

"So, what you're saying is things might be different if I'd just called a few more times?" I can feel my nose starting to burn as I hold in tears.

"I don't know what would have happened but—"

He is cut off by the sound of his phone buzzing on the table. Soobin's eyes meet mine as we see the name 'Beomie 💛' lighting up his screen. I nod for him to take it crossing my arms across my chest. He puts in his headphones and answers the call.

"Hi, love." He says and I want to gag. "I'm actually talking with one of the producers right now. I'll be back at my dorm soon."

I laugh at his half lie. He is talking to a producer but one who is also his ex-boyfriend. Soobin listens for a moment humming occasionally to show he's listening.

"Okay sleep well." A brief pause. "Me too."

"Why'd you lie to him?" I ask as soon as he's removed his headphones. He won't look me in the eye like he might be ashamed.

"Are you not a producer?" His smart ass remark makes me want to kiss his stupid lips.

"What did you tell him about..." I trail off reaching over the table to touch his bicep. He flinches away and I withdraw my hand.

"He knows we have complementary tattoos. He doesn't like it at all." Soobin sighs reaching for my hand like I might relieve the stress he's feeling. I'm too weak to push him away. "He's asked me to get it covered but later he realized that was a really dramatic reaction."

"He sounds...lovely." I can't mask the sarcasm heavy in my tone.

"I promise he's a good person. I wouldn't be marrying him if he wasn't. In the early days things were different because I was confused."

He lets go of my hand and his cheeks are red. I want to touch them so bad. Just a little caress...my heart is pounding just thinking about it. Even if I just poked his dimple maybe I'd find some relief.

The waitress brings us another round and she looks like she wants to say something but she doesn't walking away. I take a drink of my beer then speak.

"Why did you lie to him?" I press not letting go of it.

Why would he need to lie if Beomgyu is such a nice guy? Why would Soobin come to my company when his fiancé seems to not like me? I suppose I wouldn't want my love working with their ex either.

"I don't want him driving across the city to come fight you." Soobin takes a big drink and makes a face like he isn't used to the taste. "He's very protective. A lot of the people close to me in the last two years have turned out to be wildly different than what I thought. Beomgyu just wants to protect me."

I could protect him. I'm sure I have far more connections than Beomgyu. The people I work with are some of the best. Sure, there are always some unpleasant characters but he could be so happy with me. I suppose that's why he choose this company. Even if he's not mine he still wants to be around me. Can I handle being just his friend?

"Let's have a real drink." I say chugging my beer as I flag the waitress over.

As the younger one here he won't refuse. The more we drink the easier it will be to talk about everything we need to get out. We need to find a comfortable spot so we can work together peacefully.

Soobin insists on paying the bill since he called me here. He follows me to a nearby convenience store with almost no fight. The cashier recognizes him and asks for a photo but he declines. He does sign a napkin. Technically, he's not suppose to do that, but I'm not going to snitch. I buy two bottles of soju and we end up on the roof of my building.

I don't live too far from the trainee dorms. When he has to walk home he'll be fine. I'll make sure he's safe. Even if I have to walk him home myself.

"I'm feeling a lot of déjà vu right now." Soobin says after we've taken two soju shots. "Do you bring boys up here often?"

"They only see the inside of my bedroom." I say boldly hoping to elicit a reaction.

"I forget you don't know how to love anymore." He clicks his tongue. "Fake Love made that quite clear."

"Remember that song you sang me about Beomgyu?" I ask and he nods his head with a far off look in his eye. "Your group fucking ruined it."

We take two back to back shots. Soobin's face scrunches and every minute he is more handsome. Has his face always been so smooth? Have his lips always looked forever waiting to be kissed? Even his hair is recovering from the damage done by his last company.

"They took me off lead on a song I wrote and produced!" He says passionately. His eyebrows scrunched together in anger. "I'm so glad I'm free of them. Sometimes I wish I'd never gone to America. I wouldn't have found them if it wasn't for my internship."

He takes a sip of juice I brought out from my fridge. I knew he'd need something to sip on. He's not as strong a drinker. Soobin shakes the bottle a little as our conversation continues.

"But you wouldn't have found Choi Beomgyu again." I say and he smiles when he hears his fiancé's name.

"Isn't it funny how we are all Choi's?" He giggles and I had forgotten how beautiful it sounded. "Yes, life went this way because that's what was meant to happen."

He pours us other round and holds it up waiting for me to toast with him. I'm reluctant because we've already had so many in a short period. But if I'm going to make an ass of myself might as well do it throughly.

"To one day being my best friend again." Soobin says with the biggest smile on his face.

He takes this shot no problem and I pull the bottle away. We'll take a little break. He's going to wake up hungover as fuck tomorrow. I'll feel bad about it tomorrow but if he feels just a little bit of what I've felt for six years maybe it's okay.

"Have you been together all six years?" I ask fidgeting with a loose thread on my pants.

"We broke up for a few months around our two year anniversary but we don't count it. I should've called then." He muses looking out on the city lights.

How can he say this and not expect me to kiss him? Or at the very least fight harder than I ever have for him. He had doubts and wanted to call me but didn't. I didn't think he could hurt me anymore than he already had. I was wrong.

"If you're so happy why are you saying that?"

"I wonder what my life would be if it was you I was marrying." He sneakily pours another round and shoots the shot. "I think about you more often then I'll ever admit. Beomgyu is practically perfect for me expect..."

Why is he doing this? All he is doing is giving me hope just for it to free fall and splat on the cement. I'd rather have no hope at all. At least then he can't hurt me more.

"What could he be missing? You fill your private socials with love letters to him and it's obvious your songs were about him."

I'm desperate for an answer. I feel like I'm being led on. He says things that catch my attention and give me hope. I can't do this.

"There is a level of spark and connection that I had with you..." He pauses moving closer to me. "that I've never had with Beomgyu but I love him."

My breathing quickens as he moves closer but he only wants to pour me another shot. I take the first shot, then another wondering when this will numb my pain. I should send him home before I do something stupid, like confess my love again.

Soobin starts ranting about my songs and analyzing them. It's obvious that he loved them and he feels cool having songs about him. He keeps coming back to the happiest of the seven 'Our Summer.' Soobin can't describe how it makes him feel, but he says it's his favorite.

"I've written songs about you as well but my old company said it was 'too depressing' for my group."

I look up at him wondering what he's written about me. The songs about Beomgyu are usually sickeningly sweet. They don't use male pronouns but to anyone who knows him personally it's obvious. Most of the music produced with his former group was pretty bright and sweet. I can see why they didn't want something about his summer fling.

"You'll have to play them for me sometime, Binnie." I say instead of the million things I'm thinking. His eyes light up when I call him by his old nickname. I've never wanted to read someone's mind more than I do right now. I want to know what he's thinking. What he's feeling. "Does he call you that?"

"No, it's reserved for you and my family. My fans used to call me it as well." He pauses with a somber expression. "I wonder if they'll support me if I ever debut again."

My head snaps towards him and we lock eyes. I can feel my face wrinkled with confusion. Of course he's going to debut again! It may take some time but of course he will.

"The only reason you won't debut again is if you give up on your dream." I touch his cheek. Probably not my best idea."I see your fans talk on twitter. They miss you a lot and can't wait for you to post new content. They'll support you when you debut again. How could they not? You're so special. I've never met an idol as down to earth and genuinely talented as you are."

I back away slowly. I'm dancing with the devil and I need to control myself. I'm his superior now. He has a fiancé. We aren't kids anymore. We can't make stupid mistakes, but I want to be stupid so bad. I want to kiss him just one more time.

"Thank you, Jjuni." He says and this time I don't protest.

Hearing my nickname from his lips has a sort of calming effect on me. He looks so handsome sitting on the ground. His hair shinning in the dim light and his head thrown back looking at the stars. I wish I could stay in this moment forever, but I should get him back to his dorm.

"I think you should go home. You have rehearsal in the morning and if you drink anymore you'll be sick."

Soobin glares at me leaning over to snatch the second soju bottle. He quickly twists the cap and starts chugging.

"Soobin, no!" I exclaim as I try to take the bottle away without chipping his teeth.

Somehow I manage to pull it away without hurting him. Why would he do that? Is he okay? Under normal circumstances this isn't something he'd do. Maybe he's more impulsive than when we are together. Or maybe just an alcoholic.

He turns his back on me and pouts. I drink the rest of the bottle, which isn't much because he's a vacuum apparently. I think of how to address him and my drunk mouth deceives me.

"Love, we have rehearsal and my stupid ass has to be there too. I'll get in trouble if they find out we were drinking together."

He faces me when I say love and his eyes are watery. Soobin bolts forward and hugs me. I almost lose balance but manage to stay upright. I wrap my arms around him as tight as I can. Who knows when I'll get this opportunity again. I can feel his tears on my chest. I hold the back of his head tightly.

"I miss you." He whispers so quietly I'm not sure he meant it or wanted me to hear.

He wears the same cologne and definitely washes his clothes with the same scent. Soobin smells like home and my heart feels so warm with him in my arms. I wish I could stay here forever.

"I missed you too. Let's go, I'll walk you home."

By now all the other trainees should be asleep. If they aren't I'll pay them to be quiet. Soobin follows me closely hanging on the sleeve of my jacket. We might look like best friends to anyone who saw us. I wish that was the case. I wish there wasn't so much baggage between us.

A few building over I pull Soobin to a stop. I don't want to be spotted just in case. He holds my hand while standing in front of me and I let my mouth slip again.

"I love you."

He hugs me tightly for a moment before speaking. Soobin has a dreamy expression that makes me think he's very intoxicated. He probably won't remember this tomorrow and that's for the best.

"And I love you but I've built a life with someone else. Perhaps if this happened five years ago things would be different. Let's forget this ever happened." He kisses my cheek and disappears up the street and into his building.

Sobs wrack my body as I slip into an alleyway and slide down the wall. I curl into a ball putting my head on knees. I can't contain myself. I just want to scream.

He loves me too, but he doesn't want me. How am I suppose to look him in the face every day? Does he think I won't remember this? Does he think that I'll be able to act like his friend when I know how he really feels? Did my songs make this much of a difference? Or was this waiting just below the surface?

I hope he doesn't do anything stupid when he gets home. Despite the fact he just broke my heart again I can't wish ill towards him. I want him to be happy but why would he tell me he loves then walk away.

It's about twenty minutes before I pull myself off the ground and walk home. Crying for so long has left me feeling empty. I somehow set an alarm but fall asleep fully clothed.

A few hours later my alarm is blaring and I just wish I could permanently sleep. I shut the alarm off seeing I have plenty of time to get ready. My head is pounding and my stomach is turning. I drink a glass of water and take a pain reliever on my way to the shower.

Once in the shower the previous evening replays in my head and there are more tears. I pull myself together enough to make it outside. There is a ramen place near my apartment that is open almost all the time. I head that way in search of spicy noodles to help my hangover.

An hour later I'm feeling a little better as I walk into the company building. I head into my office and start looking through tracks. I don't feel like being in a room with loud speakers right now. I especially don't want to be in a room with Soobin unless I'm needed.

Two hours after rehearsal starts the other choreographer asks me to switch out because he's needed somewhere else. Begrudgingly, I close my programs and walk to the dance studio.

I greet a few people on my way but don't stick around to make conversation. All the trainees are present when I arrive. They are scattered around the room on their phones or drinking water. It takes me a moment to locate Soobin talking to the oldest trainee other than himself. He locks eyes with me and smiles. My heart shatters into smaller pieces. He doesn't remember or is pretending he doesn't.

"Split into trios. We are going to do this until every one of you can get this right with your eyes closed."

I work them harder than I need to just so I won't have to talk to Soobin. A few times I rudely corrected him and he looks taken aback. He can't receive special treatment. I can't be his friend. He loves me and still decides on someone else.

"Yeonjun!" Soobin calls after me when I'm leaving the building much later after a mentally exhausting day.

"Mr. Choi." I snap back continuing to walk away from him. He catches my arm and I pull away from him.

"Come on, I'm not calling you that." Soobin says showing off his stupid perfect teeth. "We used to sleep together. Aren't we past that?"

I flinch when he says 'sleep together' so causally. It makes it seem like we were just fooling around. I understand where he's coming but boundaries are important.

"Do you remember what you said last night?" I ask and he tilts his head to the side.

"After you wrestled the soju bottle away it was pretty much a blur. Don't take anything I said too seriously I was gone."

He makes a broad hand gesture and I can still see people coming out of our building. I pull him somewhere our co-workers won't see us. Still close but no one would think to look over here.

"So, I should just live with whatever you told me? Just forget this ever happened." I crook my fingers into quotation marks and he only looks more confused.

"What did I say to you?" Soobin asks with a worried expression. "I'm sure whatever it was I didn't mean it. We all say stupid shit when we've drank too much."

"Is telling me, you love me but you've built a life with another person and if this had happened five years ago maybe it'd be different, stupid shit?" I speak quickly on the verge of tears.

"Oh...I meant that." He looks over his shoulder and sees a trainee leaving and runs towards him before I can say anything.

He knows I can't follow without looking suspicious. I can't hang out with him often without being reprimanded. I walk back to my apartment sulking and wishing I'd never given him my songs or that note. Maybe things could have been just fine and normal between us. Or maybe eventually it would've come out anyways. Either way I wish I could go back in time.

My evening is spent wondering what I should do about this situation. There isn't much I can actually do. Soobin has obviously made his mind up. I'm not going to tell Beomgyu what he's said to me. Even after his confession I don't think telling his fiancé would do anything. Beomgyu might try to keep him away from me if he found out. Would I rather live without him at all?

It takes every ounce of my self control not to call him. I want to figure this out in a place where he can't run away. It's funny how the confession I've been dreaming of for years has torn me apart.

Impulsively, I email my boss. I rarely take time off or use my sick days. In the email I say I'm going through a personal crisis, but I'm in no immediate danger, and will be using my days off. I assure that I will be back in two weeks and sign off before sending it.

A speck of weight leaves my shoulders knowing I won't be forced to see Soobin. A fantasy of him seeking me out plays through my mind but I shove it away. Wishful thinking will get me nowhere.

I feel as though I'm at a moral impasse. Part of me wants to be with Soobin and fight for him no matter who he is engaged to. The other part of me realizes that's selfish because he's built a life with Beomgyu. Soobin and Beomgyu have been together practically their whole adult lives.

Must I leave it up to him? He must be confused right now as well. If he wants to talk we will, if not I'll just have to find a way to cope. Life isn't always sunshine and rainbows. I can't live in the fantasy land where he wants to be with me.

Maybe I'll just pretend it never happened. Could I see him around the company every day and not feel like my heart is being beat to a fine powder?

I walk to my living room and lie across the couch scrolling through social media. I'm about to put my phone down when I see Soobin has added to his story.

Technically, he's not supposed to have an Instagram account but again I'm not going to snitch. It's private and only his closest friends and family follow it. People that would never try to expose his relationship.

I click on the story and see he's having dinner with Beomgyu. Soobin calls him baby bear in the caption and he's put a location tag. It's like he's taunting me. It takes every bit of common sense I have not to run down there. He's out on a date with his fiancé less than 24 hours after confessing to me.

My next thought is to invite someone over and sneakily post about them to see if he'll get jealous. I don't think that'd be fair to the guy. I can't be that person right now. There isn't much hope I'd make it through that experience without tears.

I scroll through twitter and see a photo of Soobin and I posted by one of his fans from my old Instagram. I immediately go to instagram and private the account. I'm not sure how it took them this long to find those, but the last thing he needs is more rumors. Some of those photos could definitely spark controversy. Particularly our tattoos and a few pictures of us almost kissing.

The fan seems mad I privated the account so quickly. They had already gotten a few photos but none that could do real damage. I see Soobin's fans speculating about how we know each other. I've worked with a lot of people so my name is decently know.

I spend a few hours watching them come up with theories until I find the right one. It's known that Soobin went to a dance studio for a summer before going to America. It's easy enough to find us on the alum list for the program. Even if they figure the rest out neither of us will confirm anything.

It's nearly three in the morning by the time I fall asleep. Trying to figure out what to do for two weeks is difficult. I could go see my family but I don't think it'd be very helpful to me right now. Staying locked up in my apartment seems like the worst option.

When I wake up I have an email approving my time off and a few texts from concerned co-workers. I assure everyone I'm okay before getting up. After showering, I go out for breakfast.

No one bothers me while I'm eating and I decide to visit my old dance studio. The one where I fell in love with Soobin. Possibly I'll find some kind of clarity there. But I'm not keeping my hopes high.

I take a cab to the studio wondering what kind of classes are going on right now. Maybe I could join. It's been awhile since I've done any kind of workshop.

The receptionist greets me kindly asking if I'd like to take a class. She stares at me like I look familiar. I've never seen her here before. I often come to visit my hyung. She must be new. There is literally a photo of me, along with other notable alum, on the wall in the hall between the studios.

"Actually, I'm wondering if Park Jimin is here?" I fiddle with the edge of my jacket.

"He's teaching a class right now in studio B. He should be done soon." She says looking down at her monitor. Then she suddenly looks up surprised and says, "Choi Yeonjun? Oh! Go right ahead."

I thank her smiling before I turn towards the studio Jimin is teaching in. I peer in the window not wanting to break them mid dance. Looks contemporary. I wait until they stop before entering the room.

"Choi Yeonjun!" I hear a few people stage whisper and not going to lie it boosts my ego.

Jimin turns around and a surprised look takes over his face. His pillow lips are slightly parted and his eyes are inviting. He runs towards me and wraps his arms around my waist. Jimin lets go half way to address his class.

"Cool down then you're free to go. Practice at home and I'll see you tomorrow." Jimin lets go of my waist.

He has a different air around him when he teaches. Much stricter and less playful. Jimin has dyed his hair blue for an upcoming music video he's dancing in. It's been awhile since I've seen him and it makes me genuinely happy to be here.

Jimin leads me to his office as we get through the normal small talk. He knows me well though and can tell something is off. Why else would be here in the middle of the day?

"Are you alright? I haven't seen you in awhile." He sits in a comfy looking rolling chair and I take a seat on the sofa.

"Honestly hyung, the last few days have been pretty rough. Soobin is a new trainee at my company."

Jimin gasps looking over my head to a collage of his favorite students. He points and I nod my head. I take him through everything that has happened in the last few days. He knows the rest of the story we've been friends for years now. Jimin has set me up on many failed dates.

"Yeonjun..." Jimin seems shocked like he doesn't know what he'd do in this situation. "I've known you for years, and one thing I'm sure of is if you don't fight your very hardest right now you'll regret it for the rest of your life. He's precious to you and that means you should do everything in your power to win him back. If after you put your everything into trying to make him see how much you love him and he still marries Beomgyu you have to move on. I don't want to see you so miserable for the rest of your life. You deserve to find someone who makes you even happier than Soobin makes you feel."

Jimin locks eyes with me while he speaks and I can tell he's deeply concerned. This isn't the first time we've talked about Soobin, but I can tell he wants it to be the last. At least in this kind of situation.

"I'm just not sure that I can take him breaking my heart again." I sigh rubbing my hands across my face. "He seems so happy but if he was actually happy why would he tell me that?"

Jimin shakes his head and I can tell he thinks I'm being naive. Usually that would hurt my feelings but I've had a little too much of that lately to really care.

"You wrote the boy a whole EP and a letter. That'd make me say things I usually wouldn't." He focuses on Soobin's photo. "Have another conversation, sober, and try to find some solid ground. Figure it out before you go mad."

We talk for a little while longer while he updates me on his life. He's hiring a new dance instructor and he's really excited. The studio is doing better than ever. Jimin promises to come teach a class at the company soon. He walks me to the entrance and we hug before parting ways.

I end up going for a walk past my old apartment building. Eventually, I end up near the river and I'm about to leave to get a meal when my phone dings.

Soobin's name is on my screen. My heart flutters and I wish I could stop the idiotic optimism in my body. He's sent me a text message that is just an audio file. Trusting he isn't trying to hack my phone I download the file. I take my headphones out of my pocket and put them in.

I press play on the audio recording and gloomy piano starts later joined by an acoustic guitar. It's a song about me. He recalls the highest highs and lowest lows we had creating a bittersweet melody. It's the kind of song that makes you wish you could make someone else feel that way. The stand out message is that he'd take the lowest moments a million times over to experience the best ones again.

Walking away from the river I message Soobin asking him if he wants to talk in person. I tell him to meet me at our old spot in an hour. That gives me plenty of time to eat before he'll arrive. Though it might have to be later since he's probably at the company.

After hours of meaningless wandering without a message I head home. Just as I've kicked my shoes off his name lights up my phone. I don't know what I was thinking earlier. Just because I'm not at work doesn't mean he isn't.

I unlock my phone to see he's sent a text message. He says we can meet up in thirty minutes and he's sorry for replying late. I pick a location far enough away from our company that we won't cause suspicious. It's a park I used to walk in a lot when I first started working.

Despite knowing nothing is going to happen I find myself freshening up. I change into a top that's his favorite color and sigh. If only he could just be with me easily. Life plays me hard cards and I'm too stupid to figure out what I should do.

As I walk to the park I listen to his song again. It's nothing like the music his former group released. This means something. It's so deeply personal but in a way that could still be relatable to a wide audience.

Sometimes I feel as if I'm the only one who has been through this kind of heart break. I know that isn't true and music constantly reminds me I'm not alone. Millions of people have felt this way.

"Yeonjun?" I hear Soobin say from behind me.

I sit down on a bench that overlooks a stretch of grass. He joins me sitting as far away as he can. Through the dim street lights I can see how nervous he looks.

"Why'd you send me the song?"

He takes a deep breath shuffling in his seat. My guess is he was being impulsive and sent without thinking. Soobin obviously doesn't know how much pain he's causing me.

"You didn't come to work today and I'm having a hard time expressing myself." He pauses looking over at me. "My music is the only way I can make you understand. I meant to send more but I had to go back to rehearsal."

I'm replaying the song in my mind. Alone that song just makes me yearn harder. Hearing he would take the pain again for just a little happy with me hurts.

"You keep running away when I try to talk. Every moment I spend around you makes this harder. You can't tell me you still love me then go out to dinner with your baby bear." I practically sneer the last two words. "You lied to him and he doesn't deserve that no matter how much I want you."

"I wish it was you sometimes." His voice cracks and my instant reaction is to wrap an arm around his shoulder. "I know how fucked up that sounds. Beomgyu is incredible and I love him so much but he's not you."

He's crying and my heart is hardly under control. Part of me can't understand why he doesn't just leave Beomgyu. The sensible part of me knows sometimes you just aren't meant to be with someone. Soobin's face is buried in my chest and I rub the back of his head.

I gather every ounce of selflessness in my body while preparing a speech. There are a lot of things I want but there is no point in putting myself through more pain. The love of my life is sitting in my arms crying about how confused he is. I don't want him to feel like I have since the moment he left.

"As much as I love you and want you to leave him I know it's not good for you. I want you to be happy and I wish that was with me but it's not. Beomgyu makes you happy and seems like he can take good care of you." I take a deep breath trying to fight off the tears. "We can't keep living in the past. All that's going to do is hurt us. Everything will work out."

Soobin lifts his head tears running down his cute cheeks. I wipe away the tears and he tries to calm himself down. He wipes his face with his sleeves leaving traces of foundation.

"I'm so thankful for you."

His words make my heart flutter and I wonder if that will ever go away. We talk a little while longer and I explain I'm taking some time off. He asks what he needs to do to make me more comfortable. I explain to him we need to become friends again. Just friends.

It's takes months before my heart doesn't stutter every time he walks into a room. Soobin sent the rest of the songs about me and it helped me understand. Around month three Soobin suggested I hang out with Beomgyu. I was really against it at first but with some persuasion I gave in. He is a really nice person and I think we could be good friends.

If you told me last year I would be singing an original piece at Soobin's wedding to someone else I would have laughed in your face. But here I am in my best suit waiting for guests to arrive. Soobin is across the room touching up his makeup.

A part of my heart will always belong to him. Maybe in another lifetime we'll be together. This time he's meant to marry Beomgyu and have a long happy life. I've grown happy for them with little jealousy or malice.

I cross the room and stand behind him. Soobin is brushing his cheeks with a light blush. I watch him in the mirror and he smiles when he realizes I'm behind him. I'd be lying if I said his smile isn't dazzling anymore.

"You sure about this, Binnie?" I say in what I hope is a joking tone.

"Yes, Jjuni. I've never been more sure." He turns around with a huge smile. "Are you ready?"

I rarely perform in front of crowds but I'm not nervous about that at all. Even after coming to terms with all this it's still going to be hard to watch him get married.

"Of course, anything for you." I tap his bicep where his fox tattoo is hidden by his white tuxedo. He does the same to me before turning away for a final look in the mirror.

The ceremony is beautiful. So many people from our past are here. Jimin clutches my hand tightly while they say their vows knowing how hard this must be for me. A few others that know Soobin from our summer give me sympathetic glances. But I'm okay. I feel happy to be a part of such a special moment in their lives.

The song I wrote for them is actually an older piece that was about Soobin and I. With some changed lyrics and the addition of 'baby bear' no one will be able to tell it was what I wanted to sing at my wedding. I preform powerfully and the audience kindly gives me a standing ovation. My eyes lock on Soobin as I bow and I think he can tell this wasn't always their song.

Soobin is so surrounded by guests congratulating him and Beomgyu, he doesn't have a moment to call me out. Maybe I shouldn't have done that but everyone seemed to like it.

Kang Taehyun finds me after we've eaten a wonderful meal and compliments my performance. We keep talking until the speeches start. Taehyun is a solo artist who gets more popular every year. I'm really proud of him. He don't talk as much as we used too. Maybe I'll talk with him more after this.

The speeches make my heart ache so I swiftly down the champagne Soobin and Beomgyu have so kindly provided. I don't remember much of what is said but the dancing afterwards is fun.

Taehyun stays by my side and we dance the whole night. I learn so much about him that I never knew. The years have been kind to him and it makes me hopeful that I have a new friend.

As I'm about to leave the venue Soobin pulls me into a dressing room. His cheeks are flushed and it's showing through what makeup he hasn't cried off. He looks so handsome with the dim light shining onto his face.

"Congratulations." I say softly. "I'm happy that you found your person."

His face contorts like this isn't the response he expected. I've grown a lot in the last few months. It's time for me to stop with my childish fantasies.

"Thank you." He says shoving his hands in his pockets. "I really liked your song though I wish it would've been actually about Beomgyu and I."

"Can't expect me to be perfect all the time, Binnie."

He laughs thinking over something for a minute before he speaks again. Soobin runs a hand through his hair ruining the perfectly sculpted quiff.

"Thank you for being here." He pauses reaching out to touch my hidden tattoo. "Love you."

For the first time my heart doesn't skip a beat at those words. I can tell he means it in a friendly way. The lack of I bothers me momentarily but I brush it off. I step forward and hug him tightly.

"Love you too."

#fanfiction #txt fanfic #txt fanfiction #yeonbin #soogyu #choi yeonjun #choi beomgyu #choi soobin #the one that got away #angst #fluff #tubatu

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the-irrelevant-trumpeter · 1 year

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okay. gonna go through the members of the cpds one by one and try to figure out why they are in university for a bizarre amount of time. basically just need most of them to still be there in 2016 (ppgw filmed), and at least a few in 2017 (accgw). in my timeline of events, tptgw took place in 2012, and the staged version of ppgw (i believe the staged and filmed versions are two separate things that happened at different times, because it better suits my timeline) happened in 2014.

chris: presumably on the wealthier side (described as a philanthropist in the tptgw programme, and in a different version of it, he was the one who received a large inheritance from his grandfather, not max) so it’s plausible that he easily did another degree. alternatively, since the polytechnic thank him for said philanthropic efforts, he may have just stuck around, even if not actually studying.

robert: this one’s fine, because it’s said in the ppgw programme that he’s not actually studying at the polytechnic (he’s working as a janitor). so he can be there as long as he wants.

max: only in his first year of studying during tptgw. this means it should last until 2014/2015 if he completed it first try. him being here longer than that is fairly easy to explain though — it’s incredibly plausible that he had to repeat a year or two like trevor did, because we know max isn’t the brightest (affectionate). he also has a rich family, so he could also have easily taken another course, but i believe it’s the first because according to one version of the tptgw programme, this was already his second time at a uni (before attending cornley polytechnic, he graduated from rada).

sandra: this one i’m not sure what to do about. in tptgw programme, it’s said she’s been there for almost 3 years (or 11 seasons) which means by that point, she should be almost finished her degree. i don’t think it’s as plausible to say she had to repeat, since she seems like she’d be dedicated to finishing, and even if she had to repeat one year only once, that’s still nowhere near enough. i suppose that means she took another course, but i don’t know how many more rich members i can handle. she’s a major question mark for me.

dennis: same as max, he’s only in his first year during tptgw, and i would very much believe he had to repeat, probably several times.

annie: kind of figured out? in tptgw, she’s been there for 3 years, meaning she’s getting close to finishing her course. she’s one i definitely believe came back for a second course — it says that she’ll be leaving for an internship at the bolton octagon, so that implies to me that this is after finishing her current course. given that that’s presumably a stage managing job, i’d assume she studied something in that area during those years. by the time of staged ppgw, she’s back, and now studying cognitive behavioral therapy and pottery. if we say her first year was 2014, that plausibly gets her to 2016 at least, probably 2017 (if it’s a four year course). she never gave me the vibe of being a nepo baby, but according to her twitter account, her father owns an oil company, which screams rich to me.

jonathan: another question mark. we don’t know when he started attending the polytechnic, but i’d guess he isn’t in his first year. like sandra, i don’t find it as believable that he’d have to repeat, so that implies a new course again, but cmon how many of them are doing that.

trevor: probably the one we know the most about, in terms of his courses. we know he was on his final year for the third time in staged ppgw. but i’m not sure how he stuck around. do i really believe he had to repeat his final year another two or three times? no not really. in a different version of the ppgw programme, it says he’s studying music production, so ewe could potentially move that so that he did that after finishing engineering, but that doesn’t feel right to me. so i’m not sure about him either.

so really, the main uncertainties are sandra, jonathan and trevor. robert and annie i’m fairly confident in, and max and dennis i believe are sorted. i’m a little unsure about chris, but i think there’s ways to explain him. any suggestions to justify sandra, jonathan and trevor would be greatly appreciated.

#this is long im sorry. cornley timelining is my passion.

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vanya-imyarek · 1 year

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The Washerwoman

DISCLAIMER: while ispired by real accounts of obstetric violence, all names and facts recounted in this story are invented and do not refer to real people.

The hospital hall was almost blindlingly white, only broken by the equally aqua-clad nurses going back and forth. Tha air was filled with a low murmur, and occasionally a scream, a request for help.

Nobody was looking in her direction. She tried to stop a nurse passing by.

"Good morning. I am Aglaia Gheraldini, I was supposed to meet with ..."

"Ask at the reception"

"It was them who told me to go here ..."

"That's not my problem"

The nurse left. Aglaia found herself stranded in the aisle, now even more nervous at the perspective of actually approaching someone.

"Excuse me? I'm here for the internship ..." she tried asking a doctor.

"I'm busy"

"Excuse me, I wanted to speak with Dr Farella ..."

"Can't you read the signs over the door?!"

"Listen, move, you are in the way of everyone"

"Sorry"

They were right. Anxious as she was, she had stopped looking at the signs over the doors, and Dr Farella's office was in fact right in front of her. Nice going, Aglaia.

She could hear the muttering of the nurses and ostetricians around.

"Yeah, sorry ..."

"That's the intern? We will have to just endure her ..."

Good, she had already made a fool of herself. Desperately trying not to worsen the situation, she lightly knocked at the door, doing everything she could not to seem intrusive.

"Excuse me, I'm Aglaia Gheraldini. I had an agreement for an internship in this hospital with Dr Farella ..."

The middle aged man who was examining a bunch of papers at the desk glanced up and, upon actually noticing her, gave her a bright smile.

"That's me! Now, dear, I'm a little busy right now. Maybe we talk later? Go take a walk, maybe we'll get a drink together later and discuss this"

The baby blue of the sky clashed against the gold of the burnt grass in the heat of summer; the pinewood was closer and closer, promising cool, dark green shade, and Aglaia walked faster.

Finally, she reached her refuge from the merciless sun; she swiped her sweat, and sighed contently. Trekking was just what she needed after a long week of work.

She inspired the scent of pines and sea breeze. If she closed her eyes and focused she could hear, beyond the murmur of a nearby stream, the crashing of the waves on a beach. Maybe she would have gone for a swim later ...

She had fallen in love with Sardinia years ago, when she was a young teenager and had spent a summer there. She had been instantly smitten by the constant presence of the sea that found you no matter where you were, by the dry expanses of dry and reddish earth, by the night sky that held more stars than she had ever seen in her life.

Finding a stage in an hospital near Sassari had seemed like a blessing: to finally get to do her dream job, and enjoy the wonders of Sardegna during her scarce free time. Of course, now that she had seen the hospital, she was starting to have some doubts; but after all, nothing guaranteed her that an hospital in Milan or Rome would have been any better, and without being in such a beautiful place. She could still count herself lucky.

Another sound mixed with the stream and the waves. At first, she had troubles recognizing it: cicadas, birds? No, she realized as she walked closer: it was a human voice. It was singing something akin to a lullaby, in that Sardinian dialect that Aglaia didn't understand. A sweet, melancholic voice ... so melancholic. So much that it gave her chills. There was something wrong in those sad words, something unnatural ... what the hell was she thinking?!

It was just some lady singing. Judging by the direction of the sound, she was by the stream Aglaia was about to see, probably another trekker, maybe out with her child.

She would have seen her, gave her that friendly but detached greeting between two people who cross paths in the middle of nowhere, and continued on to the sea. Simple as that.

There was something in Aglaia that refused to do so. Something that paralized her, that screamed at her to don't go, don't go, don't go. It was ridiculous ... but still, that day, Aglaia avoided the stream and took another path to reach the sea.

"Now look to this one" the nurse said mockingly, pointing her gloved finger at the young woman writhing on the bed, her sweat and blood staining the otherwise pristine hospital bed. "She isn't even able to push"

"She might be too tired, she has been in labor by three days straight" objected Aglaia. "Maybe it's best if we ..."

"Who the hell do you think you are? You are here to learn the job, not to teach it to us!"

"Listen, we know what's it, okay?" intervened another nurse, trying to sound more placating. "We know what is an actual emergency and what is just some kid who desperately needs to get fucked at twenty and then can't handle the consequences. Right?"

The last part, along with a glare, was addressed to the patient, who cowered as much as she could, weakly asking for help.

"Aglaia, go call Dr Farella, we're giving her the episiotomy"

The hawk soared high in the deep azure of the sky; it circled a couple times, then launched itself somewhere past the point Aglaia could see. She smiled, and continued her trek.

The nuraghe should't have been far by now. She had already seen this one, back on that vacation that had sparked her love for Sardegna; this path was the same she had walked with her parents that time. A trip down memory lane, quite literally.

Now she would have had to pass a canal, cross a bridge, and then walk straight for another couple miles. She would have had her packed lunch there, rested a bit, taken some pictures, and then headed back. A day of perfect relax.

The cicadas were crying so loud that day, prompted by the intense heat. But amidst their choir, Aglaia could make up the running water of the canal, and - that song.

It was the very same song she had heard in her trek of two weeks before, the one who, she had to admit with some embarassment, had pushed her to run from her intended path. The same sad and sweet voice; the same incomprehensible lyrics in Sardinian.

Again, Aglaia felt her skin crawl, but this time, she stood her ground. It was ridiculous! It was just a song, probably the favorite of some trekker who coincidentally took the same paths of her. There wasn't this much choice on an island, after all. It was beyond absurd to be scared.

This time she would have gone forward. She had to, to reach the nuraghe, and she wasn't about to renounce her trip because of some suggestion. Now she would have reached the canal, seen the woman, greeted her and passed by. And everything would have been fine.

Here she was. Bent on the canal, tan, a long aquiline nose, a cascade of black hair, brows furrowed in concentration on what she was doing; washing clothes in the water.

Really! Aglaia had never thought that there could still be someone who washed clothes by hand in water bodies. Maybe the woman was from a very backwards family ... or maybe, her washing machine had broken and she was trying to bear the situation with dignity, acting as if everything was normal.

Now closer, about to cross the bridge, Aglaia was about to shout a greeting, a wave, and then go on her path, when her gaze fell on what the woman was actually washing.

There was so much red. What once should have been a lavender nightgown was now painted by a big crimson stain in its middle, the blood dripping and painting the surrounding crystalline canal a light pink; next to the woman there was another indument, a damp baby suit, its color impossible to understand with all the blood that completely covered it.

A scream escaped from Aglaia's lips, and she immediately tried to suppress it. This was the aftermath of a crime. She knew what she was seeing, it was impossible for a human being to lose all the blood she was seeing on these clothes and survive ... especially the baby. This woman was trying to cover up a murder, she was violent, dangerous, and they were alone here ...

The woman turned to look at her, and the nightgown slipped from her hands. Aglaia had to move, move, why had her body decided to freeze, what it had to do was run!

The woman screamed. The sound pierced Aglaia's hears, bringing tears to her eyes all by itself; it was different from anything she had ever heard even at the hospital, a cry of pure agony, despair and rage fused into one. Now she would have attacked her ...

She splashed Aglaia with the water of the canal. The young woman could barely elaborate on what an absurd, stupid move that was, that the liquid actually hit her face, and she fell down, screaming.

What should have been the barely warm water of a low canal felt like it was coming from all the rivers in Hell, a scorching thing that ravaged Aglaia's face, hissing and blistering on the spots of her face where it touched her.

Aglaia didn't even think: she scrambled to her feet, desperately trying to wipe out the liquid from her face and only managing to spread it further, and ran away, stumbling, falling, getting back up and running again, over and over, to her home.

Aglaia ignored the umpteenth message Dr Farella had sent her, asking her out. She would have had to see him in person anyway, et theh hospital, and tolerate his constant harassment. Not even the light disfigurement from the scalding water on her face seemed to deter him.

She had tried telling him she wasn't interested, and the answer had been to not be snobbish and an increase of the requests. She had tried, as politely as she could, to bring up the subject to the department head, but she had been completely ignored.

Nurses and obstetricians had made of her their personal stress ball, bursting out in screams at the minimal error or even without reason. And honestly, it was better like this, she could take it. It was a different question when they took it out on the patients.

Today it was another of such cases. Nurse Stefanini was making her wrath clear to a woman guilty of screaming too much during the expulsion phase. The poor woman was actually reining herself in, probably.

Especially because this labor was, once again, taking too long. Aglaia reached them, studying the track; the woman looked at her, at a complete loss, hoping in some kind of response.

Aglaia reached the nurse, avoiding to look the woman in her eyes. She showed her the results,

"The baby is under ..."

"Yeah, scream it for everyone to know!" huffed the nurse. "Do something useful and call Dr Paragnini, we'll need a Kristeller maneuver"

Aglaia shut up and ran to obey; the situation was even more serious than she had thought.

It seemed to take forever, finding Paragnini's office in the long white aisles that all looked the same, careful not to lose her way; as for the medic himself, he preferred finishing organizing his papers before, telling her to just wait. When she finally got back, the doctor in tow, the patient was gripping the metal bars on the bed with all her might.

"What is happening? What is happening?!"

"Hasn't the nurse told you?" asked Aglaia. She had been expecting to find her ready, scared, but aware of what was about to happen.

"Do you think one like her will understand?" Nurse Stefanini pointed at the woman, as if her appearence alone provided crushing evidence of her lack of wits.

Dr Paragini pressed all his weight on the woman's womb, causing her to cry in terror and surprise. Hadn't they debriefed her? It wasn't possible, the deontological code demanded informed consent!

"Aglaia, do you want to move?! Otherwise she'll never stop screaming!"

Aglaia ran, putting her own pressure on the woman's body. The maneuver, fortunately, was effective; two minutes later, the baby was out, placed at her mother's breast.

Aglaia felt relief washing all over her; she knew how dangerous this maneouver could be, the success was something to celebrate.

Still, she couldn't overlook the situation. Why had nobody asked for the patient's consent? What was she supposed to do in this situation, she couldn't expose the fact, she was just an intern, not even a doctor ...

"Excuse me" a feeble voice broke through her thoughts. "What do I ... how do I ..."

"Can't you take care of it on her own?" Aglaia immediately regretted her words. The patient seemed to make herself small, somehow smaller than the baby she held in her arms. No, she had to focus on her job. Not using vulnerable people as a stress anthidote, no matter how diffused the practice seemed to be in this hospital.

"Here, you held her like this. Do you feel strong enough to breastfeed her right now? Perfect. Here you go"

At least her social life wasn't limited to that damn hospital. Going around and chatting with other trekkers had given their fruits: Aglaia was now taking a nice stroll on a small town along a girl named Marina, who lived there.

It was a lovely place, a small fishermen town, the walls of ths buildings old and battered from the wind and sea, the smell of salt penetrating everything. Marina wasn't particularly impressed, having spent all her life there; she was talking about doing a 'decent' trip to Cagliari, as soon as they would have had enough coinciding free time. Aglaia didn't mind. Anywhere was fine, as long as it was in Sardinia and far away from the hospital environment.

All of a sudden, Marina's bored expression turned into a smile, and she strode forward.

She reached an elderly woman, so curved and signed that she seemed to have been sculpted into an old olive trunk; the two started talking in Sardinian dialect, so that Aglaia didn't understand a word and ended up standing there awkwardly, trying not to look too confused and hoping her friend would have remembered her existence.

"Sorry!" said Marina after a few minutes. "Aglaia, this is my grandmother. She was going to the marketplace, too"

"Nice to meet you" said Aglaia, offering her hand.

Marina's grandmother took and shook it, but her gaze remained fixed on Aglaia's burns. The young woman felt put under intensive examination, wondered how to react without sounding rude, and then the woman said something in Sardinian, still looking pointedly at her.

"She asked if you have met a panas" explained Marina. Ah, so her grandmother was of that old generation that didn't know standard Italian and only spoke regional dialects; Aglaia smiled kindly at her and then turned to her friend.

"What is a 'panas'?"

"An old legend we have around here. It says that a woman who dies in childbirth is condemned to wash her and her baby's clothes in penance, for a very long time. If someone interrupts her work she has to repeat by start, so if it happens she will get angry and punish the culprit by spraying boiling water on them" Marina pointed at Aglaia's blisters.

Aglaia stood still for a few seconds, trying to retreve her voice; when she did, what got out of her mouth was: "Penance for what? Did they murder their children?"

"No, no, just for dying in childbirth. You see, it makes them 'impure'. Ancient Sardinians weren't very progressive, sorry"

It wasn't possible. It just wasn't possible. It must have been a coincidence, maybe some criminal had exploited the legend to get rid of the evidence and the water had been made hot by some totally explainable means ...

No, that sounded like Scooby Doo. Hell, the whole reason Aglaia still hadn't told anyone what she had seen was because she couldn't explain it! But there had to be a way, there just had to be a rational explaination for everything, she couldn't have met a ghost!

She forced a laugh. "Sorry to disappoint. I have these because my roommate let fall a pot of boiling water and I got drops on my face"

"Look at her, she looks like she's about to birth a frog!"

Aglaia, passing hurriedly by the aisle, had absolutely no cointext for this exclamating by one of the nurses. Her next charge, however, was to bring an oxytocine phlebo right in that very room, so that she had a privileged view over the issue.

The woman was as white as the hospital walls, but the bed she was on was a disaster. Her nightgown and the sheets were stained, dripping in subtle rivers of blood and an unidentified brown-green liquid. Had she defecated during the birth process? It was normal, why had the nurse even commented on it ...

No, that wasn't normal. That was too fluid, and the labor too early on ... that was her amniotic fluid. Her waters just broke, and instead of crystalline as they should, they were that mud color that had caused such ilarity in the nurses.

Ilarity, her ass! She had studied it over and over back in university. Meconium inalation syndrome: the child was suffering from a lack of oxygen, it had expelled his meconium in the amniotic fluid, and now risked breathing it, worsening the situation. If they did nothing, it would have suffucated.

The nurses were chatting among themselves, clearly not intentioned to do anything and just leave the poor woman to her own devices. She was trying to push, she was painful to see; Aglaia forced herself to stay impassible, to stay clinical, and still the result of her examination was anything but comforting.

She ran outside, finding Dr. Farella.

"Doctor, this is urgent. We have to do a caesarean"

"We don't have to do anything"

"Doctor, you haven't seen the situation, the amniotic fluid is ..."

"She can still terminate the birth naturally and it's better like this. Besides the fact that it saves us a lot on the costs, it will help her get her lesson. She had her fun with her legs open, now she gets the consequences"

Impure women, huh?

"The one waiting outside is her husband, not even the Damn Mother Church would have anything to say on that ... and even if he wasn't, that's not our business to judge, we have to ..."

"You have to shut up and listen to the people who actually have experience. She's carrying out the process naturally, and that's it"

It was only an emergence caesarean that prevented the disaster that day. The woman was cut open and stitched back up rather carelessly, of course without asking for her informed consent. The baby had to be brought to reanimation, but he was ultimately saved.

The doctor handed him to the patient, who laid exhausted and tearful among her own sweat, blood and other bodily fluids, and declared that she was clearly about to be a horrible, abusive mother, seen how she had already refused to suffer even to give birth to her son.

At last, Aglaia was due for a weekend back in Milan, with her family. It had been a long time since she had seen her parents, after all, so she could take a couple days away from the mountains and the beaches of Sardinia.

She stopped to a bakery before boarding her plane on Friday night: some traditional sweets were just what was needed to placate anxious, 'you-never-call' parents. A small package of sebadas would have done ...

And there, at the cash register, she saw the woman at the canal.

She recognized the tan, the long hair, the long and aquiline nose. The only difference was the expression: she was smiling, a bright smile that would have lit up a room.

Inside a framed picture.

The man at the register noticed her gaze. "Did you know my daughter?"

"Eh? No, I had just mistaken her for someone I know"

The man smiled, a small, wistful thing. "How old are you? Twenty-five? She was a little younger than you, in that picture"

The smile vanished. "She was pregnant, back then. It doesn't show, because I cut up the picture to focus on her smile, and not how ..."

He trailed off.

"I am sorry. Did something happen?"

"She died. Complications from childbirth. Neither her nor the kid made it. Weird, right? You think these things happened long ago, or maybe in some Third World country, instead ... there are people who don't believe me when I tell them, you know? Well, sure, you never expect that it will happen to people you love."

"I am terribly sorry. It's awful"

"The hospital was investiigated, of course, but ... well, they didn't find anything. Said that the doctors had done everything possible, and ... I'm sorry, now I am rambling. I shouldn't throw this story on every customer that passes by"

"It's no problem, really"

As she exited from the bakery, Aglaia decided that it had to be a scam. There were no other explainations. Maybe someone had sent the woman at the canal, and then the picturee, to conspire against her, to ...

Who was she kidding? She wasn't the target of a conspiracy. She was a perfect nobody, with no actual work and very little money to her name, living with a roommate in a tiny apartment. Nobody had anything to gain from her.

But then, what was this story?

The following days were spent in research. She actually spent very little time with the parents she had gone to see: her time was consumed by internet searches for the 'panas'.

She actually found her with no problem: a couple local newspaper had talked about her death. Her name was Arianna Lanzetti, she had been twenty-one, and already married. She also found the woman's former social profile: a Facebook page now submerged by messages of condolences and remembrance.

This was insane. This was all insane. And maybe she was going actually insane, because a particular idea was starting to take shape in her mind.

Usually, it was discomforting to be ignored as 'just an intern', Today, it was a blessing.

There weren't many women in the delivery room in that day and hour; if the hospital personnel did they job, they could have easily taken care of them without needing her. They probably wouldn't have even noticed.

Dr Farella, as befitting of his great intelligence, had left the computer on and logged into his hospital account; if he had returned too soon, Aglaia would have told him that Nurse Stefanini had sent her to check on a thrombophilic patient. if the nurse had denied, she would have played it as a misunderstanding. She could take it, she was used to everyone yelling at her and calling her incompetent.

She set on 'research file', and typed in Arianna Lanzetti's death date. The very same day as she should have given birth to her child.

There had been several births that day. Aglaia scrolled down, scanning the screen. Ludovica Fornasari, Vanessa Prosdocimi ... maybe Arianna Lanzetti had been in the care of another gynecologist ...

No. Here she was. Aglaia opened her file.

She hadn't known what to expect. Maybe some laconic report about the birth being more difficult than anticipated, due to 'lack of cooperation from the patient' and not, of course, from carelessness of the hospital personnel. She wasn't prepared to a horror story,

Arianna's baby was being expelled with the umbiilical chord wrapped around their neck. A critical situation, but not an uncommon one. All ostetrician personnel was prepared to deal with it. But they hadn't noticed. Farella, and everyone in attendance that day, had not realized the situation. Maybe Arianna had, she should have realized that something wasn't right. Probably, she had complained, tried to signal her fear. Surely, she had been laughed at.

They had seen too late, when the baby was already out, almost strangled. They had intervened in a hurry, doing a fretful episiotomy on Arianna, rushing to try and reanimate the baby, and it had been all useless. That baby had never drawn even one breath.

As for Arianna herself, her wound had been hastily stitched up, too badly: it had reopened, and she had been let alone for hours afterwards, with all the nurses avoiding her and the consequences of their mistake. Only hours later, at the insistence of the family, someone had checked and found out that she was dead.

It was almost too ridiculous to believe. Too absurd, too cruel. What that woman must have felt as she died, alone, without knowing what had been of her child ... Aglaia fought back tears. She felt like everyone would have discovered everything, if they had seen her in tears.

She drew deep breaths, in and out, in and out. Slowly, it worked. She felt suddenly very calm, completely in control. She had all the facts now, and she could act accordingly.

She had another plan now.

"I didn't take you for the type to do such things. To think you acted like a puritan! Not that I'm complaining"

Aglaia smiled through gritted teeth. She wouldn't have had to bear this act for long.

She looked up. Through the treetops shone the stars of Sardinia, so bright, so many. The sweet perfume of wet grass filled the air. The sound of the stream was closer and closer.

"Sooo ... do we get to it?"

"I know a better spot"

Farella huffed, but still followed her. The whole date had been insufferable: not only she had had to act like she was genuinely attracted by him, but he looked indignant that she hadn't jumped him yet!

As if she would let herself be touched by a murderer ... she still needed a little time. She still heard no song. At least, she could pretending she was getting cold feet.

No song. Farella put an arm around her waist. He would have accepted a no, right? They were alone in the forest by night, there was nothing that prevented him from - but his crimes were out of apathy and lack of care, she didn't know if he would have been capable of something as direct as to force himself on her ...

That thing she heard, was it the stream? A happy illusion or ... no, it was there, it was the panas' song!

She strode decisively towards the sound, leaving Farella behind.

"Hey, were are you going? Wait ..."

He was running after her. Good.

She removed her flashlight from the figure knelt over the water immediately, she didn't want to be the one to disturb her again. Just a moment, to make sure of where she was, then pointed the flash to the surrounding trees.

Farella wasn't smart enough to do the same.

"What the fuck ..."

The light showed Arianna's tan skin, her long, shiny hair, her aquiline nose. Her eyes were dark, fixed on the man - maybe she couldn't see him in the face, with that torch pointed towards her.

Aglaia directed her flashlight on him, fully illuminating his stunned visage.

The panas dropped her clothes in the stream and lunged. Aglaia had barely a flash of her long, thin arms protending towards them, and then she turned on her heels and ran, ran as fast as she could.

The screams echoed for a few seconds, then they were replaced by the splashing of water. After a few minutes, the lullaby resumed.

Aglaia sighed. Everything had gone well, and Arianna Lanzetti had received her justice.

She took the way home with a lighter step, turning her nose up to admire the beautiful sky of Sardinia, shining bright as she had never seen before.

The Carabinieri found nothing implicating Aglaia in the death of Dr Farella.

She was interrogated, of course; the 'gentleman' had bragged about their date with his friends, and the restaurant personnel could confirm that they had been there together the night of the 'tragedy'.

But she simply lied, declaring that they had parted ways after the dinner together: he had drunk too much and gotten inopportune, and she had dropped him, returning home by foot. Her roommate could attest to this, as she had seen her arrive walking alone from her window. Aglaia had been careful not to leave anything on the car that could be attributed to her, and in the end, they let her go without too much of a fuss.

Farella's death was ruled as an accident: as Aglaia had said, he was drunk, so he had driven to the middle of nowhere, taken an ill-advised walk in the forest by night, slipped into the stream and drowned because of his impaired reflexes. He couldn't have been killed, they had found no traces of other human presences around the area where the corpse was found.

There wasn't much of a fuss about the death itself. Farella was given a tearful funeral with family and colleagues going on and on about what a great man he was, what an example to all doctors; once he was under the ground, he got only complaints because his sudden disappearence upset the turn system and they had to procure another gynecologist on short notice.

Aglaia got some nurses blaming her because 'if she hadn't left him all of this wouldn't have happened', but by now, she was used to ignore those complaints.

Life to the hospital returned to its dull, pathetic normality.

Nurses and doctors still took out their frustrations on the patients. Interventions were denied, informed consent not given. Many women left the place shaking, in tears, only comforted by finally having their children with them.

Aglaia did everything she could. She was comforting, kind; she explained the medical procedures that should have been executed; she made sure nobody was left alone for any extended period of time; she did everything in her power to notify the higher-ups of any possible problem with the births that her colleagues might have ignored.

It still wasn't enough. She was only an intern; she had little to no decisional power in there. She was the secondary stress ball after the patients. She only did what she could.

Take the situation to the authorities' attention seemed impossible. Arianna's death and the number of cops at Farella's funeral had made it clear: someone here had important protections. Even if alerted, they wouldn't have done nothing.

Aglaia did what she could. She was a needed comfort to the patients; she never answered to the abuse the rest of the medical equipe hurled at her and instead offered smiles and little presents. She was just a treasure to have around.

And sooner or later, someone else here would have accepted her offer to go for a trek to the nuraghe, passing by the old canal.

#my writing #writing attempts #writing experiment #horror #horror stories #tw: death #tw: childbirth #tw: blood mention #tw: murder #tw: obstetric violence

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