#AS THE MAIN REPRESENTATIVES FOR MY FUCKING IDENTITY IT MAKES PEOPLE THINK I AM A FUCKING KINK
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I love people claiming to represent me saying my identity is a kink
#vent post#I am going to fucking murder someone. my identity is not a kink. this is not me exaggerating a well meaning thing >#a well meaning thing that I interpret as bad. I just saw a post saying that kink at pride is ok because lgbt is inherently a kink#AND THEY SAID THIS AS IF IT WAS FUCKING HELPING#LIKE THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH HAVING A KINK BUT I AM NOT A GODDAMN KINK. I DO NOT BELIEVE IM TRANS BECAUSE IT'S A FUCKING KINK TO ME.#I AM NOT BISEXUAL BECAUSE IT IS A KINK. I AM A FUCKING PERSON AND I'M TIRED OF BEING WATERED DOWN TO BE ALL ABOUT SEX#BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT THIS SHIT SAYS. IT'S ALWAYS ABOUT HOW IT'S THE SAME BUT NO. I AM NOT A FUCKING KINK. WHEN THERE IS KINK SHOWN#AS THE MAIN REPRESENTATIVES FOR MY FUCKING IDENTITY IT MAKES PEOPLE THINK I AM A FUCKING KINK#I'M TIRED OF IT. IM TIRED OF EVERYONR REPRESENTING ME AS A BAD PERSON OR NOT A PERSON AT ALL#EVERYTIME I SEE ABOUT SOMEONE REPRESENTING ME THEY'RE EITHER NOT LIKE ME AT ALL OR THEY'RE REPRESENTING SOMETHING THAT I AM NOT#SIMPLY BECAUSE WE SHARE SOMETHING#THIS SHIT IS WHY MY PARENTS DONT FUCKING ACCEPT ME#NOT THE ONLY REASON. BUT THIS WATTERING DOWN THAT IT'S SOMETHING LIKE A KINK. IT SAYS TO PEOPLE THAT I CHOOSE TO BE TRANS#OR THAT I'M ONLY BI BECAUSE I'M A FUCKING SLUT(note: I am a virgin. I meant that as in thinking I WANT to be a slut)#WHEN NO#I AM JUST THAT WAY. I DID NOT CHOOSE THIS. AND WHETHER INTENDED OR NOT PEOPLE HAVE WATERED MY IDENTITY DOWN#MELTED IT TO SUIT THEIR OWN FUCKING NEEDS#AND NOW I'M SUFFERING BECAUSE PEOPLE WHO I DON'T KNOW OR EVEN LIKE DECIDED TO SPEAK FOR ME#AND THEY SAID I'M A FUCKING KINK#heavy vent
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why are queer characters so important in modern media?
right guys, sit down and buckle your seatbelts, because i'm about to explain why so many of us feel so strongly about characters being not straight or cis- particularly talking about stranger things, because that's what i'm the most into right now, so it'll be the easiest for me to talk about.
i know that this isn't the best platform to talk about this on, because so many people here are queer, but i've seen too much blatant homophobia surrounding will/byler from stranger things, and i'm fucking sick of it. so i'm writing this.
so the biggest question i've seen recently amidst all the byler stuff (that was also a big thing when season three came out, and robin had her coming-out scene with steve) is why did the show need gay characters? it was fine, why did they need to make it all "woke"?
growing up queer is fucking hard. i'm incredibly lucky to have been surrounded by supportive parents and friends, but so many people do not have that resource. there are so many queer kids out there who don't have anyone around them that's accepting, and seeing a queer character in their favorite show can COMPLETELY change their perspective. hell, i'm in a good situation in terms of my sexuality and the people around me, and yet seeing well-represented queer characters in movies and tv is still so huge to me, because i’ve struggled with accepting my identity for so long.
will byers as a character is so incredibly important to me because he is so much like me. i've been in (and in some aspects still am in) a lot of the same situations that he has, in terms of relationships and friend groups and growing up. that scene in season three, where he gets upset about mike and lucas not wanting to play d&d, and after arguing with mike (it's not my fault you don't like girls), he goes to destroy castle byers? that's one of the only times i've ever cried watching a tv show, because i've been there, and i still am there. growing up queer is fucking isolating. even with other gay friends, our experiences are nowhere near the same, and it doesn't make it any easier to see everyone else around you growing up and getting into straight relationships so easily when you're sitting there panicked about whether that one girl you like would be weirded out by you liking her, because what if she's straight and suddenly your whole friendship is ruined.
as a young queer person, good representation is so important to me. i’ve been queerbaited too many times because i just wanted to be seen (i’m looking at you voltron), because i wanted to be reassured that my future wasn’t hopeless solely because i was a girl who liked girls- and again, im in a good environment for queerness. i live somewhere where i could hold a girls hand in public with only a few odd looks, my friends and immediate family are supportive, and everyone around me is aware of my identity- so think about all the people who don’t have everything that i’m so lucky to have. so many queer kids grow up in places where they can’t be open about their sexuality or gender, where there’s no one like them for miles.
being able to see queer people in good, healthy relationships is life changing to queer kids who grow up feeling isolated and alone because of who they are.
specifically about stranger things, as well: it’s not a show like heartstopper, where you’re guaranteed to get queer characters because that’s what the show is about. stranger things isn’t about romance, queer or straight- it’s about kids fighting monsters from another dimension. making a main character canonically gay is fucking HUGE, because it solidifies queerness as something that doesn’t need to be advertised as the driving point behind a show, making it different than any other old romance show. they’re fighting monsters, and hey- that one kid with the dorky haircut happens to be gay!
it would be a huge win for our community. so. what are we not going to do? we’re NOT going to act like queer characters are only added so that a show can seem ‘woke’, because queer people are NOT a tool to ‘win you points with the liberals’. we are here, existing, just like everyone else.
we deserve to be able to see ourselves in the media we consume.
fuck anyone who says otherwise.
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hi! i really love your designs, the colours are always really well done anf the characters are full of life.. and i love how your rewrites give the characters complexity and make them really interesting to me, much more so than canon(though i am a fan of some ideas introduced there, they don’t quite turn out in ways that make sense to me)! i’ve been wondering a few things about helluva troupe for a while however and hopefully the answers aren’t spoilers, lol.. in HT, what is Fizz’s involvement with the ‘troupe’ and what is stolas’s involvement too.? i wish you much luck on your work as it is lovely to see! (also apologies for my silly username)
Thank You!
Thank you so much that means a lot!! waaAahee! It makes me happy to see people interested 🥺👉👈
With Fizz it's,,, a bit Fuzzy, because hilariously he's the whole reason I made this AU among other things But I ended up makinh him a sorta side character antag again because while originally he was going to be part of the main crew from the start of HT's storyline, as I went along in trying to write I saw some cool hcs about his star clown days and so I thought to use the more canonized view- mostly in that he's a star clown during the events of HT instead of dropping the show life to join Blitz in I.M.P. That previous version is why you see him in the I.M.P references- and hinty hoo that ol version isnt completely null and voice to the current HT
ANYWAY so yeah- While Fizz isn't as much a main character as he was he still has a great deal of importance to the story and themes I want to express in HT. When it comes to him and the Troupe itself, I could best describe him as one of the biggest foils or parallels to the main cast. Just,, he's this golden image that represents their every want fulfilled. For Blitz especially given their thick history heehooo. (That's not to say this 'golden image' is entirely as it seems btw...)
Now it sounds much like canon I know but I like to think I'm taking a different direction with it- It's not really just the "haha you suck with relationships, fuck, shit, pénis im doing better look at my good relationship" nonsense cuz for 1. Fizzarozzie does nOT exist anymore- its Mamzie now 😊 (Mammon + Ozzie) and 2. The themes with Fizz and really most of HT has less to do with the melodramatic romance "will they wont they" of Stolitz (which isnt really a thing either) and more the struggle impoverished and oppressed peoples experience with success, failure, identity, community, family, status, history, trauma, etccc. Specifically, because I am an indigenous person from Canada, a lot of the themes are drawn from my own experiences, knowledge and history as an indigenous person. Though with execution, creative liberties were taken to make the fact they're in Hell clear btww-
That very likely did nOT answer jour question but i amn,,,stoopi 😭😭😭 simpler answer i suppose maybe by chance would be Fizz is an eventual antagonist to I.M.P. Specifics and how it happens and wheNNN?? Im still not sure yet if im honest- been really busy the last year or so and so Ive hadnt had any time or energy to work as much on writing all the things! ;u; thats probs disappointing to hear cuz plaNNing and all is important if you're gonna post story stuff at all,,, but !! I do hope to work more on the story this year so i can wrap up all these floating ideas into a Concrete line of stuff cuz truly all im missing is the middle pieces. Maybe an HT comic will be real this/or next year! 👀🏃
ANYHOOT ONTO STOLAS! i rambled a bit too much about Fizz cuz im still figuring him out- Stolas might be a bit shorter cuz his role is sweet and simplisticerr.
So, Stolas is an antagonist. He and Blitz still have an exchange sort of deal, but the deal is Blitz gets to keep the grimoire for I.M.P if he handles Stolas' "errands" and gives it back on the full moon with ofc none of the uh,,hawny stuff, obv. Blitz kinda keeps this deal under wraps from the rest of I.M.P because for him, it hurts his pride to admit he's in need of some big guy's help. And Stolas is somewhat aware of this. And so, Stolas is this looming, cruel threat that Blitz carries the burden of cuz he's stubborn as fuck whilst the rest of I.M.P remain ignorant.
Some bonus notes that dont really have to do with Stolas involvement with imp but jus how stuff ive changed with his canon influence the story diff than canon; so, Stella isnt a thing anymore. In general the Goetia work much differently- majority of the Goetia being the children of Ozzie instead of Paimon (who is Stolas' sibling now btw too) and the Goetia being thousands of years old instead of fucking 30- Also! While Via is existant she is but a baby instead of a moody teen,, ties heavily with Stolas' motives and how he operates as a character, royal, and Goetian and felt it would work better with how HT Stolas is as a character than it would otherwise.
Also no worries about the username! I dont like canon stolas much either lol,,;
I apologize if this didnt answer much 😭 feel free to let me know if you wanna hear about somn else gwahgh 🏃
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Sometimes character creation takes ten minutes to initially get ✨ the feel ✨, but then three-to-four years to actually develop said character past “teehee golden retriever boy teehee” (see Oscar), or “you know those spoiled, all-pink brats in those 2017 gacha mini movies? yeah, that’s her, but i wanna be cleAR SHES NOT WHITE IM NOT BASIC I PROMISE” (see Darla), “brat’s brother. idk i needed more characters. his name is literally supposed to mean ‘brother’ because my braincell suddenly stopped coming up with coolass names like with every single one of my girl characters” (see Brody).
Sometimes character creation takes years of overlooking said character’s real potential, just so he can be a significant part of a main-ish character’s backstory where his only purpose is to hurt her, then thrusting him into a romantic relationship he really wasn’t destined to be apart of, then giving him a shitty immortality/god arc? For some reason? Except that arc was actually kind of necessary, because apparently slightly (a year) younger me couldn’t stand the thought of having a character live forever and still be immoral in the main plot. So I switched things up and made him gay (bi) as fuck. It changed more than you’d think it would… even the victim-vs-abuser roles got switched around with his girlfriend, even though his girlfriend was kind of an ass either way. (see Soren)
Sometimes character creation takes place only because you’re on Roblox and need to scrap up a character FAST or you’ll take two hours on the customization screen and out of roleplay (see Violet, a Percy Jackson OC I haven’t touched since 2021). Or, take two hours typing up your character’s description in a roleplay group chat (see Maria). They both end up being self inserts, down to your own looks, or tweaking said own looks just a bit, to what you actually kind of want to look like. Except they both end up looking drastically different from their original iterations (Violet has blue eyes, freckles, etc., and Maria is an entirely separate race), and one of them a drastically different personality than originally represented. (See Violet. Again.)
Sometimes character creation is literally just you trying to have fun imagining little people that dress pretty and have big, fancy names, but aren’t assholes. Except your brain won’t fucking let you, so it escalates into a Spotify playlist and a three-hundred-thousand-dollar Bloxburg build. (see Indigo Girls)
Sometimes character creation is making random little people in an avatar game (Gacha Club) and then them suddenly popping back into your brain two years later. So you make a few more characters, just to bigger their world a bit. Except you need to revamp the main character. She is NOT giving White Girl. She Cannot Be White. The day she is white is the day I like boys. (NEVER.) Iamfoamingatthemouth, she caN’T BE WHITE BUT WHAT IN THE FUCK SHOULD SHE BE ?????? SHE NEEDS TO BE JEWISH. OR THE OTHER GIRL NEEDS TO BE JEWISH. SOMEBODY HERE NEEDS TO BE JEWISH. I SWEAR TO GOD. I AM LITERALLY SCROLLING THROUGH THE WIKIPEDIA PAGE, “LiSt oF cOnTeMpOrArY eThNiC gRoUpS” AND WITH MY LUCK I’M GOING TO SCROLL THROUGH ALL OF IT WITHOUT PICKING ONE. WHAT IN THE FUCK IS SHE. AND THIS IS ALL BECAUSE I JUST WANT TO FIND A GODDAMN LAST NAME THAT WON’T IGNORE HER CULTURAL IDENTITY WHEN I ACTUALLY DECIDE WHAT ETHNICITY IS. WHAT THE FUCK. (See Robin.)
#can you tell which character inspired this rant🥰#character creation#original character#writing#writers on tumblr#rant#character creator#character creators#young writer#original story
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So I think about the stardust crusaders a [HEALTHY AND NORMAL AMOUNT]. And I like analyzing media so let’s talk about stands and tarot cards! If there are any inaccuracies in my interpretation of the cards let me know, I’m not a tarot expert!!
Jotaro, The Star
Upright, the star arcana represents trust, belief, and rebirth. The journey to Egypt forces Jotaro to put a lot of trust into others that he wouldn’t have otherwise (for example the Lovers arc, the Terence D’Arby fight). He also learns to trust Star Platinum over the trip, going from seeing it as an evil spirit following him to a useful tool. Reversed, the star can represent despair and depression which could allude to the underlying worry over Holly’s condition. Tbh I wish I had more to say about Star platinum like I do the others but I don’t . I like his loincloth
Kakyoin, The Hierophant
Hierophant Green shows a lot of character, I feel, so I have a lot to say (totally not because I am biased towards kakyoin nooooo what makes you think that silly). The main stands in part 3 have a distinct kind of style to them. Human, plant (?), robot, anthropomorphi, and alien. Hierophant green’s alien appearance (as I see it) can be taken as an allusion to Kakyoin’s alienation as a child. That and Hierophant green has a mouth under its muzzle (?). In Heritage for the Future, when fighting Alessi and using Hierophant Green, the stand doesn’t have a mask. What does this mean Araki. It implies that a stands appearance can change over time without artificial means (using the arrow, using spin) or being evolved in acts. Is it trauma related? Who knows!!! I will say Hierophant greens painted face in HFTF is really cute to me :)
Tarot time! The upright hierophant represents morality, ethics, and tradition. In many situations, Kakyoin’s shown to have a strong sense of morals and often intervenes when Jotaro goes to just beat the everloving shit out of people. When compared to Jotaro, he’s also the more traditional highschool student compared to Jotaro’s delinquency. The jobros often serve a specific literary role and for Kakyoin, he acts as Jotaro’s foil, hence why I referenced Jotaro so much in this section lol. Reversed, the Hierophant represents rebellion and subversion. Kakyoin’s character arc centers around him rebelling against DIO. He revels against DIO for what he did to him and takes back his identity, and that arc begins when Kakyoin subverts the audience’s expectations and joins the crusade to Egypt despite being introduced as an enemy. Kakyoin my skrungly
Polnareff, The Chariot
Polnareff. :). Upright, the chariot represents willpower and direction. Despite being a wet dog of a man, Polnareff embodies these two concepts really well. Avdol, Kakyoin, and Polnareff’s encounters with DIO are really great character developing scenes. DIO is established to be a horrifying beautiful man who knows how to get what he wants from his targets. To get Polnareff to join him, DIO tempts him by offering to help him get revenge for Sherry. Polnareff wants to find his sister’s murderer, giving him a real and tangible goal that he has pursued for who knows how long. He’s so determined to find who killed his sister that he’s willing to team up with DIO who’s shown to intimidate everyone he meets. Reversed, the chariot is hostile, reckless, and indisciplined. I shouldn’t have to explain this but I love talking so I WILL!!!! Polnareff is reckless, often endangering others despite meaning no malice. Hanged man arc, that one time he fucking wrecked a car. In the Death 13 arc, he shows a lack of discipline within Mannish Boy’s dreamscape by accepting it as is and eating ice cream. In particular, his relationship with Avdol shows the dichotomy of his admirable determination and his harmful recklessness. He pushes Avdol to the side and makes rash decisions when confronted with J. Giel. Because of his recklessness, Avdol is injured to the point where it almost seems fatal. In the fight with Vanilla Ice, he overcomes this recklessness of his, I feel, after the sacrifice of Avdol and Iggy. In part 5, he shows a newfound sense of maturity.
Avdol, The Magician
Wine upright magician represents willpower and spirituality. When meeting DIO, Advol did not succumb to his charms and offers like Polnareff and Kakyoin did. Sure, he heard about how dangerous DIO was before from Joseph, but he also had the willpower to run away. Avdol is likely the most spiritual of all of the Crusaders. He’s a fortune teller and believes in fate (ex: when he let Jotaro draw the tarot card for his stand name). The concept of stands is introduced with Jotaro, but it’s not until Avdol appears that stands are actually explained. He acts as a mentor with spirituality within part 3. Reversed, the magician represents manipulation and trickery. He faked his own death idk what to tell you if that ain’t trickery then what is
Joseph, The Hermit
Out of all the stands, I feel like hermit purple embodies the tarot card the best. The upright hermit represents several things, one of them being a truth seeking nature. Hermit purple’s main power plays into that thought through spirit photography. The card also represents guidance and of Avdol is the mentor, Joseph is the tour guide. He’s not this part’s jojo, but he’s the one to initiate the journey to Egypt and is the one to really help everyone to get to Egypt. He’s almost a de facto leader of the group. Jotaro might be the muscles, but Joseph is the drive. Reversed means isolation and seclusion, and this is a bit harder to pin point. In a lot of Joseph centric parts, he’s kind of isolated? Like with the empress, first part of Bastet, and part of the Dio fight. It’s a bit hard to pinpoint this aspect of his character tbh. Maybe it means he misses his wife and daughter idk babes
Iggy, The Fool
I will be entirely honest and say The Fool is probably my favorite stand design in part 3. I just love it a lot idk what to tell you.
The fool represents a free spirit and new beginnings. Iggy is a free spirit to an outrageous degree. It’s the very first thing established about him. He’s a dog he doesn’t care for the others and does whatever the fuck he pleases. Good for him tbh. Even after he spends time with the crusaders, Iggy remains an independent member of the group. He’s forever a free spirit, even until the very end. He sacrifices himself not because he had to but because he wanted to. In the ultimate act of freedom, he chose to save Polnareff instead of himself. When he’s introduced, it’s at the beginning of the Egypt arc. It’s a “new beginning” for the story as well as for Iggy. Because he’s been ripped out from his home to help a bunch of weird guys in the desert. Up until the end where he saved Polnareff, he embodied the essence of the reversed fool. Inconsiderate, hasty, and reckless. As Araki said Personality; Terrible. I do love iggy tho
DIO, The World
DIO. For starters, the fact that The World and Star Platinum are essentially the same stand goes to show how intertwined the lives of the Joestars and DIO are.
Upright, the world represents fulfillment, wholeness, and completion. In the eyes of his followers, DIO is whole. He is the perfect stand user. The reversed world is a more accurate depiction of DIO. His followers see the World upright, but it is reversed. He is incomplete and inadequate. He sports a stolen body that had rejected his head. His body is not his. DIO is an incomplete god. As long as the Joestars live, he will be incomplete. He seeks completion by wiping them out.
The TLDR is that I have a lot of thoughts on jojo but have no one to discuss them with so I’ll scream into the void that is my blog
#huff speaks#jojo part 3#jojo#jjba#jjba stardust crusaders#stardust crusaders#jjba sdc#sdc#jean pierre polnareff#polnareff#kakyoin#noriaki kakyoin#kakyoin noriaki#jjba jotaro#jotaro kujo#jotaro#joseph joestar#jjba joseph#muhammad avdol#mohammed avdol#jjba polnareff#jjba kakyoin#jjba avdol#jjba dio#DIO#dio brando#iggy#jjba iggy#jjba analysis
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It seems to have been a while since I posted an update on how the writing for the next part of Wishing on Space Hardware has been going (well, I complained three weeks ago that it wasn't, but that barely counts).
So, let's refer to the Super Accurate and 100% Serious Plan (TM). Bold represents chapters that currently have complete drafts.
Prologue: Hi, it's me, I am coming for your emotions.
Chapter 1: “Fuck my life, why am I the sensible one?”
Chapter 2: Discovering through adversity that you are in fact a spiteful arsehole.
Chapter 3: When you're well-adjusted and people won't shut up about their issues.
Chapter 4: How to turn grief and aimlessness into an international incident.
Interlude 1: More manga propaganda.
Chapter 5: Relatively normal person discovers sympathy for absolute lunatics.
Chapter 6: Manipulative bastard has meltdown; nukes career and/or starts war.
Chapter 7: Who wouldn't want to be head of state in the middle of all this?
Chapter 8: The world's most violent identity crisis.
Interlude 2: Accidentally featuring no canon characters whatsoever.
Chapter 9: When even your subconscious thinks you're a loser.
Chapter 10: Anger is not a stage, it is a permanent address.
Chapter 11: “Nobody is dying on my watch!” [Actionable threat]
Chapter 12: "Terrorism *is* a valid expression of my trauma, actually."
Interlude 3: Oh look – plot threads.
Chapter 13: Waking up to discover you work for the bad guys and deciding to fix that.
Chapter 14: Keeping going through the hardship, chaos, and narrative contrivance.
Chapter 15: Waking up to discover you work for the bad guys and failing to fix that.
Chapter 16: Ancillary character makes good, still doesn't get the boy.
Interlude 4: No, seriously, I mean it about putting literally everyone in this thing.
Chapter 17: Normal housewife deals well with additional lunatics.
Chapter 18: I swear I only invented this OC for exposition, now she's a key player.
Chapter 19: While valid, terrorism might not make everything better.
Chapter 20: Actual sensible one solves plot with quiet chat.
Epilogue 1: Pain and other assorted feelings.
Epilogue 2: The author reminds you he is, at heart, a total sap.
Epilogue 3: Hey, look, if you hit characters hard enough, they actually develop.
Epilogue 4: Take your victories where you can get them, folks.
Epilogue 5: What *do* you call the literary equivalent of a panning shot?
I just this morning finished Chapter 15 and I thought this was worth noting because it means the fic has officially passed the 100,000 word mark. In case you were wondering why it is taking me so long to complete, that's why. Chapters on this one are averaging 6000 words because SOMEONE made the daft decision to try and make each one a summation of a particular character and their role in the story so far.
We're probably looking at the whole thing coming in around 150,000 words total (bear in mind the interludes and epilogues will all be about half the chapter length). So while I am still hopeful I can finish it by the end of the year, I am increasingly unsure if I will start posting before then on account of editing and such.
My current plan is to spend the rest of this week polishing off Interlude 2 while I let the images for Chapter 16 percolate into an actual scene breakdown. After that chapter's done, I'll be in the home stretch as far as the main plot is concerned.
I must admit to not being especially happy to have slipped so far past my initial deadlines, despite knowing they were only loosely self-imposed to begin with. I really was trying to avoid leaving things on a cliffhanger for so many months. But such is life.
Anyhoo, that's where we are at the moment and hopefully things will continue to progress at the current fairly acceptable rate!
#fanfic#writing#oh why not#let's tag this for anyone looking for insanely long IBO fanfic series#that will be finished come hell or high water#gundam iron blooded orphans#gundam ibo#g tekketsu#tekketsu no orphans
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stumbled on a tweet earlier today that essentially said that in games with romance mechanics, “playersexuality” (or the ideas that characters will be into the player character regardless of their gender) is not good queer representation and we should be striving for better. i want to unpack this because even though i largely disagree with their premise, it brings up some interesting ideas.
first of all: “representation”. this has been a buzzword for showing off diverse stories and perspectives from basically any minority group at least since i was a teenager. i think that the purpose of it is noble; we want to see more characters in stories that portray certain identities (in this case queerness) in a way that feels authentic, representative of real life, and not generally adhering to negative stereotypes. i think, at large, this is important to strive for as a creator, but i think some problems have arisen because of how prevalent the word has become within (generally progressive) internet spheres, because a lot of people seem to have different ideas of what “good” representation is. portraying characters one way is bad, because it plays into negative stereotypes, or it’s actually good, because people are complicated and even people of marginalized groups can be bad, etc etc. it’s become exhausting, and i’ve seen stuff i think is portrayed real well be painted as “bad”, or on the other hand, “boring” representation because it’s either too fucked up or too moral or whatever.
i don’t have a definitive stance about what is and isn’t good representation, mostly because i think thinking about it like that is counterproductive. i think it should be more important to consider many factors, like whether or not the character is multi faceted, whether they are in a story that’s focusing on said identity, who the target audience is, and figuring out whether or not the character in question is entertaining, interesting, accurate to life, or whatever else, cuz i think a good (in this case) queer character could be any one of these without necessarily being all of them and still be considered a good character who isn’t just good or bad representation. but that’s a lot of words and just saying good/bad representation is way easier, so it’s likely that we’re just going to keep using the one word and attach it to things we like and don’t like and make judgements about people’s morality if they disagree with you.
anyway, what does “playersexuality” have to do with this? well, the original point that was made is that playersexuality is bad representation, likely because it’s not true to life or very nuanced. which, to be fair, it objectively isn’t. i can’t just go up to any man and assume they’ll be into me, that’s just not how the world works. i don’t think you’re going to have anybody arguing otherwise.
that being said, the purpose of playersexuality isn’t to be real to life. it’s to give more options to a wider variety of people playing the game in question. personally speaking, if i’m told in a game that i have the option to date or marry other characters (especially if it’s a game where this is NOT the main reason i am playing it), i am generally not expecting anything super deep. i probably just want to go for the one i think is the cutest, or the most charming, and live in the little fantasy of them being my boyfriend or husband for a bit before i turn off the game and return to reality. i also am not usually looking for nuanced commentary about sexuality, or anything in that territory. in fact, it’s usually the opposite; i just want a cute little romance with some video game boy and not be constantly reminded that my personal orientation is “other” or the minority because i only have one choice and straight people have 20. playersexuality fulfills that perfectly; i can choose who i want, interact with the shallow game mechanic in the most fulfilling way, and move on with my life.
i’m going to give relevant examples, because these came up in the twitter thread. first of all: stardew valley (which i am currently obsessed with, as you might be able to tell). there are 12 bachelors and bachelorettes, and you can date and eventually marry any of them regardless of your gender. to be quite honest, you’re going to be hard pressed to not find at least one of them to be your type. whether you’re a man, woman, both, neither, gay, straight, bisexual, pansexual, regardless of how you identify it is pretty likely that somebody in this game will appeal to you. and, as it turns out, the game won’t restrict you from going after them! to me, for the type of game stardew is, this is perfect. i can choose the boy i like, i’ll get a couple cute scenes, and then for the rest of my playthrough he’ll repeat the same handful of lines on my farm and essentially be a trophy husband until the end of time. and that’s fine! i don’t need him to be a nuanced portrayal of complex sexuality, this is a game about farming and mining and fishing and all this other cool shit. the fact that my in game husband isn’t great “representation” is perfectly fine in my eyes cuz i don’t need him to be. but, despite this, it was still cited as an example of bad representation because it’s playersexual, and therefore bad.
but like, think about it could’ve been. i’m imagining an alternate universe where, in stardew valley, i can only marry one of the bachelors as a man. what if he’s one i don’t like? i’m not a huge shane fan, he’s a good character but i don’t wanna marry him. if he was my only option, i would be pretty sad about that. same if it was elliot, i know he’s got fans but he’s just not my type at all. if you’re a gay or bi man who like these two, imagine if you could only go after your least favorite bachelor. maybe you find sam annoying, what if he was your only option? what if you don’t like harvey’s mustache or something? what if you thought alex was a douche, or sebastian was too edgy and emo, and you could only marry one of them as a man? wouldn’t that suck? yeah, it’s not like marriage is the deepest part of this game, but it’s still fun. it’s still something i choose to engage with whenever i play stardew. if i couldn’t engage with it how i want, it would sour that whole part of the game for me.
another example: fire emblem engage. this came out earlier this year, and it was the first game in the series to let you (essentially) marry anybody you like, regardless of your avatar’s gender or the gender of the character you go after. this was also criticized in addition to stardew valley in the same thread, and while i have more issues with how it’s handled here, that’s almost entirely due to writing and some strange localization changes (note: i am NOT talking about the stuff with anna being changed. that shit was for the best) that make marriage in this game less than satisfying. but, conceptually, it was fine. i could marry the cute flirty boy in the game, get a shittily written cutscene about our bond being forever, and move on. if nothing else, it was certainly better than other games in the fire emblem series, specifically fates and three houses, which i’ll explain why them not being playersexual was not great.
let’s start with fates. in fates, there are two gay options, one male, and one female. both of them are exclusive to one route, both of them are still options even if you are the opposite sex, and neither of them are probably who most people would probably want out of their marriage candidate (look i am a niles fan but let’s be perfectly honest with ourselves about what kind of person that man is). also, this isn���t entirely relevant, but you’re locked out of in game content if you marry either of these characters as the same gender, which just kinda sucks. i get *why* this is the case, but it still sucks that being gay in this game is, from a gameplay standpoint, objectively worse than being straight.
three houses fares a little better, since marriage does not affect content and there are more options. however, you only get a few options depending on if you’re a man or a woman. this could be a whole other post (if you know, you know. it’s pretty well documented), but to put it lightly, the options fucking suck. once again the romance is not particularly deep, it’s basically just fan service. at this rate, just open up everybody to everybody, playersexuality is easily the better option and i don’t really see how you could see otherwise (and clearly the devs agreed, because that’s pretty much what happened for fire emblem engage).
the common thread of all of this is that, if you’re not going to put in the time to flesh out the characters and make their sexual orientation a focal point of their character (which, if you choose not to, i do not think that’s a bad thing, not everybody is equipped to write about this kinda thing and sometimes a shallow little touch of romance is all that a game needs), just open up everybody’s options. flip the pronouns in the romantic scenes, swap out the art so it can be seen with different gender player characters, do what you need to do. would this be considered “good” representation? maybe not! it’s not true to life or particularly nuanced. but sometimes that’s fine. it’ll make some people like me like your game just a bit more. and if you don’t like playersexuality? great. i get it. there are also many, many, many great stories written by queer people about their experiences as a queer person that delves into the details and nuances of it all. i would say go to those instead if you want “good representation” as opposed to the farming game or the tactical rpg that are just trying to give people options.
#lgbt#stardew valley#fire emblem#this got sooooo long and i’m sorry#maybe i should’ve made it a script or something and made a video essay idk#also i could’ve delved even further#like the mess that is persona romances and how awful they are#but for now this is fine#anyway play stardew valley it’s REALLY good
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it's important, i think, to know the difference between text and subtext, and respect them both. one thing can be subtle text, and another thing can be brazen subtext, and it's entirely possible and even ideal for the subtext to mean just as much or more as the text.
drawing from miraculous ladybug: we recently had the main character casually drop the idea that "why couldn't [someone] be in love with two people" in the midst of an excited spiel. that's text. textual acknowledgement of the possibility and validity of poly relationships in an international children's show! but it was very blink-and-you-miss-it, out of understandable necessity on several counts, and while it's really cool it doesn't exactly move me, if that makes sense. well, it did, but not about the characters or the story themselves, just about the tiny but appreciable step forward it represented.
but a couple seasons ago, we had an entire episode with three characters gallivanting about together, at a few points hand-in-hand, and they flat out went up to the guy who famously makes themed ice cream combinations for couples and asked if he would make them something "for all three of us." that's subtext, but it's blatant, obvious, how-the-fuck-did-this-get-past-censors subtext, and it had me frothing at the mouth. (it took years, but they did get their trio ice cream.)
the thing is, even if miraculous had somehow been able to acknowledge poly relationships from the start, that would still have had me losing my mind. those events could very well have been perfectly identical! this is because speaking in metaphor and subtext and all that is how stories work. like, that's the whole fucking point, and it's the primary method by which emotion is inspired in an audience. this is virtually never not the case in any storytelling context.
so it does bug me when people look down on subtext like it's not enough. sometimes it isn't, sure, and by all means judge anyone who dares to pull queerbaiting nonsense. but subtext is a delightful thing, and often serves to say something better than text ever could. the tangled series- yes, the animated tv series based on the disney movie, i am not fucking with you- is overwhelmingly, obviously poly, and showed that at most every turn while never being able to tell it.
this is only one example, but there's an episode late in the first season which is a very slightly adjusted version of the classic "oops they got love potioned by well-meaning friends and it's causing problems" plot, just muddled enough to slip by the most asleep-at-the-wheel of censors, involving the main trio. if that weren't enough, upon seeking a cure, they are told it's a "three-leafed plant" that is "extremely rare and grows among its two-leafed cousin."
would it be better if they had been told "just kiss already, you've obviously got a poly thing going?" no! certainly not. i mean, that would have been fun, but it wouldn't have been a good story, and wouldn't at all fit with the aesthetic of the show.
i'm not here to scold or lecture, and this was prompted by nothing at all in particular, i just abruptly felt capable of articulating it. if it helps you think about stories better, well, i do like when i can help people do that. that's all you can keep scrolling now
#literally just stopped what i was doing and wrote this out of nowhere#shrug. take it#miraculous ladybug#tangled#writing
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Reading challenges updates
I decided to post a joined update for the Summer reading challenge 2.0 (updates 1, 2 and 3)and the Pride reading challenge (updates 1, 2 and 3), because I don't currently have other books on my shelves to complete these challenges. So instead of waiting months (or maybe not, but who knows) I decided to do a small update until I'll add more books to my tbr (and my shelves).
Summer reading challenge 2.0 // non linear timeline AND on my tbr for over a year: It by Stephen King
I wasn't planning to use the same book for two prompts, but this brick is over 1200 pages so I feel like I can do this. This was technically my non linear timeline pick, but it was also the book that has been the longest on my tbr, at least eight years this thing has been on my shelf looking at me. I feel like I finally conquered big book fear after this. Other than just ranting about why I picked this book, here's also my general opinions: it was good but also one scene especially made me want to throw it into the pits of hell, does that make any sense? I think I gave it four stars cause the idea was really cool, but also this thing is still bothering me so much I am considering lowering my rating (I have a lot of opinions on the book, and I wrote a way too long review, so I'm not going to rant again on here).
Pride reading challenge // not gay as in happy but queer as in fuck you: Deadendia The Watcher's Test by Hamish Steele
I wasn't sure what to pick for this prompt, but after reading this graphic novel I felt like this could work. There's a lot of representation in here, that feels just super natural, and is not the main point of the book, which helps normalizing queer characters not as a genre itself but just as a normal part of stories (as it should). The main character is transmasc and gay, which is not that represented in the media, so it felt perfect for a prompt on less seen identities. It does a great job at dividing gender and sexuality, and since the plot has to do with totally differnt stuff, it will probably reach a lot more people (also thanks to the netflix adaptation which I also recommend). The graphic novel itself was great, I was glued to the pages, and I love how it managed to be fun, but also emotional. It's a great story.
Full reviews of the books linked in the titles above.
#reading challenge update#studyblr w/knives reading challenge#summer reading challenge 2.0#pride reading challenge#reading challenge#update#books#book recs#book reviews#bookblr#booklr#studyblr#mine#the---hermit
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WIP Song Tag II
Thanks for the tag @mjjune! sorry for the late response I mentally said “I’ll do it later” and then adhd said “haha no you won’t” but It’s always fun seeing my own tag games getting around :)
The one I did for my WIP Roadnoise
Rules: Pick 5 songs that you feel represent your WIP and describe how they do so (or don’t and just leave it at the song) and then tag as many people as you’d like
Tagging: (forgive me If I’ve already tagged you recently my brain is chaos) @mr-writes @elijahrichardwrites @heymacareyna @cryptid-s-wips @velvethopewrites
Doing this for my WIP Rainclouds (intro here) there’s so many songs I’ve found that fit it’s difficult to narrow it down to five but here we are (honestly I just shuffled my playlist and picked a couple that worked.)
You’ll see that the more pop/folk songs tend to relate more to Sylvia while the more rock/alt songs fit River more. (don’t worry I’ll post their character intros sometime soon, if you’re interested lemme know)
All Of This Will End - Snarls
Forget me, leave me be
Forget I ever said anything
I won't mind if it’s time
To drop everything we had and leave it all behind
I am lost and here we are again
Someone say when all of this will end
Fits the whole vibe of the WIP following the journey through identity and mental health. Specifically River who feels like she’s lost and trapped in her life wanting nothing more then to escape and be able to start fresh and have everyone forget her.
Youth - Daughter
And if you're still breathing, you're the lucky ones
'Cause most of us are heaving through corrupted lungs
Setting fire to our insides for fun
Collecting names of the lovers that went wrong
The lovers that went wrong
We are the reckless, we are the wild youth
Chasing visions of our futures
One day we'll reveal the truth
That one will die before he gets there
Once again targeting River with this one, she’s given up on feeling and decided she no longer gives a fuck about the world. She just wants to be young and not have to deal with the troubles she’s been put through. She blames everyone but herself yet she refuses to accept help. Yet she’s bitter towards those who are happy and those who do feel free to be themselves.
October Birds - Flower Face
Where'd the October birds go?
I used to watch them from the window
When I had eyes to see
When I was more like me
Where did your rosy face go?
When did your cheeks get so hollow?
Just a reflection of me
Did I hurt you so badly?
I actually shared an excerpt that I based on this song here, this song makes me think of Sylvia and Ivy. Ivy starts to seem like a shell of herself and Sylvia blames herself calling herself selfish and putting herself down for someone else’s struggles. She feels as if it’s all her fault for leaving her.
Cursive - Billie Marten
I'd walk the corners
Of my empty mind
But I'm full of darkness
With the loneliest of light
And I will never be
I will never be myself
I will never be
I will never be too well
Thinking of Sylvia with this one, one of her main antagonists in this story is her inner darkness, an internal reflection of herself which fills her with loneliness and self-doubt but while it takes some work there is another part of her that promises that “she’ll be fine”
We Could Live Near A Beach - Flatsound
Finishing it off with an instrumental song, I feel like the soft piano with the waves in the background really fits the bittersweet and calming vibes of the WIP. It almost feels like a dream and there are quite a few dream scenes within this story.
{ Rainclouds Taglist}
@zoya-writes | @letsgetsquiggly | @words-after-midnight ask to be +/-
{ General Writing Taglist }
@weirdfishy | @wannabeauthorzofija | @annlillyjose | @radiomacbeth | @opes-magnas | ask to be +/-
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Parfum Nostalgique Q&A/ Ask me Anything, June 2022
Bonjour, my darlings. I hope you're doing well. I've been working on Parfum quite obsessively, and I realized that I've encountered a bit of a problem...
Well, maybe it's the opposite of a problem.
You know how lots of creative people with big ideas and projects they're enthusiastic about joke around and say they spend more time talking about their projects than actually doing them? I'm the opposite. I spend so much of my time working on this game, that I've never really written any legitimate information on it for people who are curious about the project.
So, I decided to ask my followers what they would like to know the most about Parfum Nostalgique, and answer the questions here.
I tried my best to answer all questions received in a way that reads like a fun little interview. If you asked me a question and you don't see it, it means that the answer was probably lumped into another question! I hope you'll enjoy this behind-the-scenes look at the thing I spend every waking moment on.
Disclaimer: I'm writing this after a day of very bad chronic pain. I am barely lucid. Do not take the way I write this as a reflection of how I write my work!
Q: Who is this game for?
A: This is a LONG one in my head, but I'll try and make it as concise as possible.
I don't think I can just say "cool gay people." Can I say that? I guess I can. But there's a few types of cool gay people I think might resonate with the story more than other cool gay people, and I'd like to address what I mean by that here.
All my characters are what I like to call "trans-ambiguous." This means that none of them have canon, set genders or sexes. If you ask me what Dashiell's gender is, not even I know. If you ask me what genitalia Lupine has, not even I know. I'm trans, and rather than trying to represent a ton of specific gender identities, I prefer for it to simply be understood that many of my characters are implied to be trans, and that you are allowed to assign whatever gender or sex you see fit to them. Gender is the least important part of these characters' development, but a very important part of their aesthetics. Their lack of gender specificity is partially on purpose and partially because I genuinely cannot comprehend how or why i HAVE to decide on a gender and sex for each character.
I'm asexual. My main character is definitely not. He is an unapologetically allosexual vampire dom. Being asexual doesn't mean I don't enjoy sex, it just means that I don't feel sexual attraction to people. There are definitely asexuals who are sex-repulsed entirely, but I feel like that isn't stated enough that sexual activity and sexual attraction can and do exist separately. Depiction of sexual activity for the sake of personal expression and aesthetics rather than attraction are a big part of this visual novel. Val's clients are more interested in using him as a medium to carry out their personal fantasies than they are attracted to him. Asexuality is a very diverse identity, but I'm hoping this recontextualization of sex is one that makes at least a chunk of my asexual readers feel a little more seen.
I also think that this story, whether you're gay or not, will be a smash hit with people exhausted with hiding their emotions, neurodivergencies, trauma, etc. from their friends and loved ones to avoid further pain. People who really want to blow the fuck up and express themselves, but know that it might cause them more harm than good when the people they value the most don't have enough empathy to understand. People who have too many feelings, but no access to an environment conductive to meaningfully addressing them, this is a story for you.
Q: Tell us about your writing process.
A: Hold on, I gotta put my ADHD on the phone:
"Yeah hi, this is Rose's ADHD. When Rose wants to write, she's gotta get through me first. I only allow shit I think is fun to make it through the gates. Anything that felt like a chore to write or render isn't making it into the game. If she doesn't keep thinks fun, fresh, and sexy 24/7 I will pull the fire alarm in her brain. The indoor sprinklers will go off, and her day will be ruined. I know I'm a drama queen for doing this, but it's all part of the plan."
That's pretty much it. I write and i write to my heart's content, but always try and keep things new and fun, because if the story is fun and engaging for me to write, I can run with it without a problem. If it isn't, it's simply not getting done. If this game is a chore, it's not getting done, so I'm simply always making this thing more and more fun for myself so I can keep focusing on it. It's very rewarding, and I highly recommend doing this. Even if you don't have a dopamine deficiency, like I do, imagine the power you can hold if you find fun in everything on a project you love.
Q: Talk about your main sources of inspiration for your characters.
A: Some people know this, some people don't, but my main characters are actually based off of ball jointed dolls I've accumulated since I'm about 12 years old. If you're unfamiliar with BJDs, they are often sold nude, eyeless, wigless, and paintless, with the collector being encouraged to customize their doll to their heart's content. I used these dolls as a physical way to create my own characters, or maybe, the more accurate term is "friends." I didn't have to draw or write these characters and spend a ton of time developing them to experience them and be in their presence, because they were physical "beings" that I could "bond with." I would sit and play games with them on my lap after a hard day, or hug them when I needed to feel loved, or take them out to photograph when I was lonely and bored.
I poured a lot of time and effort into these dolls that I no longer have the energy for, though I know that passion will come back someday. They grew and changed with me as a teenager, as I went through different phases and interests. Each doll has been painted and repainted, wig swapped, and style swapped so many times to keep these characters fresh for me, because I didn't want to lose the bond I had with my dolls.
I have made the conscious decision not to involve my dolls any further in this project because of this. My characters as completely separate entities from the dolls they are based off of, and though in my mind, they may always be linked, they will never be the same people.
I want these characters to be completely given up to the masses, and for people to interpret them in whatever way they see fit. That's something I'm GIDDY with excitement about seeing. I love it when fictional characters exist as much as little guys chilling in our heads as much as they do in the actual works they're in, especially when those two interpretations of the characters work together to make up a well-rounded, fleshed-out, much more real-feeling person. My dolls cannot be part of this experience. They are physical items that belong to me. I can't let them have any part of this.
Many characters look NOTHING like their original dolls, but I consider them to still be "born from" their original dolls in some way, because they would not exist without them. The biggest example I can think of is Saturday, who is a completely different gender, race, and age than the doll I originally based her off of. Saturday's doll is heavily yellowed and damaged from age, and I was having a lot of trouble separating Saturday the doll from Saturday the character, so decided it would just be best to take her name and whatever aspects of her doll's personality I felt would fit a completely new character, who is now only vaguely reminiscent to her in disposition. Saturday the doll and Saturday the character are now almost completely disconnected, with the only thread holding them together being that one would not exist without the other. Doll Saturday simply gave Parfum Saturday a referral.
On the other hand, her boyfriend, Lucian, is accurate to his doll down to the tattoos!
In case you're curious, yes, I did get Lucian when I was about 14, the same time me and my little friends lusted after some random alt guy who worked at the grocery store while we listened to The GazettE and Tokio Hotel. I'm glad that energy made it into his final form!
Many aspects of these character designs at least very vaguely reflect the phase of my life when each doll was acquired. Lupine's "floweriness," along with his love of gardening and tea, started while I was a classical lolita at 16, and I got Val smack in the middle of discovering the joys of Showa 24 manga and Takarazuka at 18.
God, does it show!
For the record, I read Eroica after I conceptualized Val. I can't look at Earl Dorian Red Gloria without thinking of him.
Dashiell's doll is the only one I didn't design myself. He was sent to me for free, when I was 14 years old, by someone who just needed the doll out of their house. Since then, he's had the same wig and paint, because I just didn't want to mess him up. It just felt like him to keep it for all this time. He was originally a very expensive doll, so it was an incredible stroke of luck to get him for free, but I also hear a lot about people giving up their expensive dolls after they learn about how spirits enjoy inhabiting small, hollow humanoid figures and feel that their dolls are possessed. I'm not worried about it now, though. It's already too late, and whatever spirit was inside him has already crawled through my ear and into my brain.
You'll notice in the game, Saturday wears exclusively kimono and yukata, because I started conceptualizing her while studying kitsuke and kimono sewing techniques. Modern kimono is very versatile, practical, and vast. People aren't just wearing the seasonal motifs you see on antique kimono anymore. It's the most fun to make outfits for Saturday because I get to experiment with pattern mixing and color combinations. Here's one of her cute yukatas I made with a watercolor pattern I found on Clip Studio Paint:
I love her so much, I could die.
Q: What's the sound experience going to be like re: music, voices, etc.?
A: I have a big, dumb jazz degree that I refuse not to use, which means that all the music IS being composed by me! I don't have money to pay anyone else, and the sound design I'm looking for is VERY particular, so it's best for me to do it myself. It's nice to make music when I need to keep things fresh. Sometimes, my brain is fried from writing and drawing, and I need to switch it up a bit.
This is the theme for Oberon, a character who wasn't supposed to make it into the main story, but... here we are! Those are his legs! I really hope you'll all enjoy his character. He's a little bit of a freak, so I know he's not going to be for everyone, but his theme and his overall vibe just has the sweetest, sexiest gothic essence...
You can tell from this theme that I've been listening to a lot of Buck-Tick. I made it after listening to Dress, Victims of Love, and Sex For You a few times so I could absorb their energy and infuse it into this song!
Here's another one for you. This plays during some of the more fun, candid scenes of the visual novel.
I've really been enjoying working with synthesizers. I've been channeling my inner Hisashi Imai!
My biggest inspirations right now are Buck-Tick, Miharu Koshi, and my beloved ACO, especially her album "Irony." I listen to it while I'm writing when I need to really, really get into a character's emotions.
As for voice acting, Parfum Nostalgique is only going to be partially voiced, and I mean VERY partially. Voices will only be used for a handful of lines, for scenes that could not otherwise be executed without them, and for things like laughs, scoffs, and screams that would feel half-hearted and wimpy to simply just type out. Originally, I wasn't going to have voice acting at all, but I soon realized that voices would be necessary to fully complete the experience. A casting call will be released once I finish preparing it.
After a lot of thought, I've decided to make the voice acting for this project volunteer-only. There are such small amounts of dialogue for each voice actor to say that I think it would be acceptable, as long as it is clearly specified that this is not a paid project to those auditioning. This game has no budget. I'm a chronically ill person who works as a bridal alterations specialist 3 days a week. I can barely afford my own life. If I don't manage to pull enough volunteers... I'll cross that bridge when I come to it! I don't want anyone to be under the impression that I feel entitled to free voice acting, but... for my own sanity, and my wallet, voices are volunteer-only.
______
This is all I have the energy to write, for now. If you think I'm proofreading this thing, you're wrong. It's very late at night and I have not left my windowless bedroom all day because I was paralyzed from the waist down by cramps.
Tune in for more Q&A/ Ask Me Anything posts in the future! I can't wait to share more about this game as I begin my journey into final draft stages.
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So I recently finished The Magnus Archives and it seems to be a light fixation (not hyperfixation quite yet but it could become one with time, probably after I inevitably re-listen to the whole show), which means I must somehow talk about it.
Of course, the main thing I've been thinking about is actually the fears. So I've decided I'm gonna rank them exclusively on a scale of "do not vibe" to "kinda vibe."
None of them are true vibes, of course. That's the point. But you know. Purely personal preferences too, of course.
So, let us begin.
15) The Corruption/The Crawling Rot
Yeah I do 100% do NOT vibe with this shit. I hate filth and sickness and while I don't hate bugs I do hate it if they get into my goddamn food. The stories of The Corruption always fucking sicken me.
14) The Desolation/The Lightless Flame
I... don't like the idea of burning alive. That's about it really. Nevermind all the other horrible things this particular fear represents. Don't think it would take me, though: Don't have a lot of connections or things to live for. If anything I'd maybe become an acolyte? Hypothetically speaking I would love to commit some arson against people (on minecraft).
13) The Buried/Too Close I Cannot Breathe If this was just claustrophobia it'd probably be higher up. I kinda like enclosed spaces, and I've liked the few times in my life I've been underground. That being said, fuck the asphyxiation part of this. Or the actually being trapped part. Swallowing dirt or mud flowing into your lungs or being trapped in a box that keeps you like a contortionist? Fuck right off mate.
12) The Slaughter/Butchery
I have some experience with gratuitous violence. I wouldn't want to experience it again.
Also, From the River to the Sea. Fuck Israel and zionists.
11) The Spiral/It Is Not What It Is
So, episode 100 kinda seems to imply having ADHD actually makes you more resistant to the spiral, which I find funny cuz I have it, but... yeah, the idea of my mind lying to me is actually very present in my life.
Also, The Distortion was The Backrooms before it was popular.
10) The Stranger/I Do Not Know You
Kinda keeping in line with the previous one, I do tend to stay away from strangers and I've always found mannequins to be creepy. I feel like the uncanny valley is why I've hated 3d games trying to be realistic for so long.
Nevermind that I care a lot about my identity. The part where they take who you are from you is... among the most psychologically scary things in the show.
This could be a bit higher on the list if not for the part where they take your skin and stick you in wax.
9) The Eye/It Knows You
We all have secrets we don't want found out, and I am actually a bit paranoid myself. Probably has to do with my self esteem issues. I hate knowing that there's probably nobody judging me as harsh as I do myself, and yet... Yeah, it's a doozy.
Hot take tho: I find the eye statements to be mostly underwhelming? I don't think they ever fully manage to grasp the fear of being judged.
8) The Flesh/Viscera
I find this one scary because I find it appealing. I find the idea of shaping my body with something like the boneturner to be something I'd fall into with my strange sense of identity.
Also the first appearance of this fear lives rent free on my mind, though I think the reason it's scary is how disgusting it is? And that could probably fall closer to the rot?
7)The End/Death
Fun fact: I made my peace with death when I was like... 12. I laid in bed one night, realizing the inevitability of my own mortality, and I cried for a while about it. Then I realized... if I can't do anything about it, then why stress over it? We all die.
Of course, I don't want to die. I don't want my loved ones to die. It's something I am kind of afraid of, but it's not something I despise, so it gets the middle spot on this list.
6) The Extinction/The Terrible Change
We live in a generation where this fear will probably come to be. That's the scariest part of it, I think. I don't expect I'll live to see my 40's tbh. Whether it's global warming or a nuke that takes me (or unrelated health issues), I am certain humanity will end by its own hand, and it's sad. Probably won't get to mars either. (certainly not with the long rat)
5) The Web/The Spider
I'm not afraid of spiders, but I hate manipulation. That being said the way it's presented in the show is not that scary. Either it's a spider controlling you to torture you, or you're part of a scheme so big you don't even realize it 'till the end.
Maybe I don't find it that scary because I've never been subject to the type of manipulation others have.
4) The Hunt/The Everchase
I don't like the idea of being hunted or hunting, don't get me wrong... But I also don't find it particularly scary. Police brutality is a bitch. ACAB.
I guess it makes more sense for animals to be scared of it tho. Not a lot of thoughts on this one, save to say the hunt statement in season 5 was probably my favorite? Idk I really liked it.
3)The Dark/Forever Blind
I'm still kinda scared of the dark, but mostly because I'm afraid I'll step on something and it'll hurt. I stopped believing in ghosts many years ago and weird sounds in my house are about on the same level of scariness whether it's light or dark. Really, the only thing that doesn't push this farther up the list is that I don't like the idea of becoming blind. The kids episode during season 5 was fucked up tho.
2) The Vast
This was kind of in the run to be 1, but they do mention they get hungry a few times during the statements about the Vast so I don't like that. Honestly, I find none of the fears this manifests as that scary. Whether it be the sky, the ocean, or the void of space. Also I grow excited when I think about the insignificance of human life in the scale of things, rather than fearful.
1) The Lonely/Forsaken
I'm an introvert. Do I need to say much more? Ofc I have family and friends and stuff, and I love discussing things with people... but The Lonely's stories never seemed that bad to me. I figure if I were to get taken by it (I wouldn't, ofc, as it's not something I'm particularly afraid of) I'd be far better off than most people. Yes, I know, kinda funny that the 3 that went on the daedalus are the ones I found least scary lmao.
Took like an hour to write this, but... yeah, I think I needed to get my thoughts out there. Don't take most of the middle spots too seriously tho, they can probably be interchangable depending on my mood. Only top and bottom 3 are fixed in place.
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listen, i don’t know if this will reach anyone that could maybe give some advice or perspective but honestly i just need to like talk
long discussion (rant) about gender identity and how i am very confused below the cut
so i’m a bisexual woman and do not feel any distaste of being called a woman. i love it. i love girlhood and sisterhood, even with the challenges that come with it
that being said, i have been thinking about whether i might be non-binary? or like fluid in some regard?
so the reason i’m second guessing or really having a hard time thinking about this is that i know that gender presentation and gender identity are two totally different things, and they do not have to align with traditional norms. i do dress androgynously/more masculine and feel most confident in than clothing style, but that doesn’t mean i’m non-binary. another thing i’m struggling with is that i also, as i said before, really like being a girl and the sisterhood that comes with it (albeit after unlearning some internalized misogyny and i’m-not-like-other-girls thinking)
so then, why do i think i might be non-binary? again, a few reasons.
the main reason is that i’ve always struggled with body insecurities that i now look back and think may have been more accurately described as body dysphoria. having talked to other people about their experiences with puberty, i came to realize that my experience was not the same as other people i know (and at the time, i think i knew this a bit too). i hated every single second of it, to point that even saying the word “puberty” around me would send me totally spiraling and sobbing up until the age of like 15. you can imagine the lengths my parents had to go to try and help me through it and educate me.
growing breasts was awful. i hated having to think about my chest. i hated wearing bras, but i also hated not wearing bras because then you could see my nipples/boobs more. this is still an issue i have, but i didn’t really think about it until it hit me that i sometimes go out of my way to pick an outfit i can wear a sports bra with because it compresses my chest. i also do not have a big chest in the first place! i am an A-cup, and i still feel like this
on the flip-side, though. i also hated growing body hair and still hate that to this day. i was bullied on one occasion about my leg hair when i was 8 and it has stuck with me my whole life for some bizarre reason, so it might be in part a response to that? but having body hair is just not appealing to me. i’m hispanic and have some dark facial hair and i am getting laser hair removal in december for it because it’s been such a problem for me for so long. whatever, my point about this is that i associate giving a fuck about body hair (like not wanting to have any) to be a sign that i’m not non-binary because it’s such a like “feminine” quality, while not caring about having body hair is so much more how i have seen non-binary represented
one of my more recent (like last 5 years lol) insecurities that i feel like might also be dysphoria is my hatred for my hips and a real admiration of the male build. i’m mid-size (28-30) and strongly dislike showing off any curve. when i used to wear skinny jeans (lol), i had to pair it with a long cardigan or loose shirt. now that i’ve actually developed a sense of style, i love baggy jeans. barrel jeans are my current fav. anything that makes my hip-to-leg ratio not look so pronounced makes me feel so good. perhaps a contraction is that i like tight fitting tops equally as much as a love a good baggy tee. i really envy how shirts fall on men’s bodies. when the bottom of my shirt is long enough to fall at or below my hips, it is genuinely the worst. i hate how it bunches funny. the solution is cropped tops or tucking the shirt in… but i don’t feel comfortable in crop tops and sometimes tucking the shirt is not the vibe. i just want to fall so i look like a rectangle lmao. also shorts. i want shorts to be longer and looser and look of me how they look on men. short shorts are a no for me
my preference for androgynous/masculine clothing also feels like less of a preference and more of a need? i don’t know how to describe it the right way. basically, i’ve recently come to realize that the average person’s reaction to having to wear clothing that does not match their typical gender expression would not be to sob uncontrollably or be like wanting to not leave the house or crawl out of your skin. which is what i feel like when i wear clothing that to me feels too feminine. skirts. dresses. frill. sparkle. bright colors. any like funky sleeve (i realize that is very specific). certain neck cuts of shirts, like v-neck or scoop.
although the distaste for skirts and dresses didn’t hit until high school, i’ve had the other preferences since forever. my mom loves frilly clothes and i can’t tell you how many blow-out arguments we had when i was younger about her buying me something frilly or sparkly or bright and me just screaming and arguing about how much i hated it. if she made me keep it, i would never wear it. if i was forced to wear it for like a funeral or wedding or something, i would often throw a fit.
buying a prom dress was the absolute WORST. the process induced my first panic attack, and involved crying every time i tried on a dress. my poor mom and aunt were so patient. i really could not articulate what i didn’t like about the dresses. looking back, i think that because i didn’t have a sense of my style even in my regular day-to-day yet (thank god for college) and i had never once second guessed anything related to my gender, i could not myself even understand that i just didn’t like feeling so overtly feminine. it was overwhelming.
this is not to say that i never present more femininely in my day-to-day now. i do every once in a while, usually if i’m dressing up for an event or going out. i feel like it partially might be that i don’t know how to dress up while maintaining an androgynous look, but it also doesn’t bother me for those situations. that being said, the next day i always have a far swing into masculinity. baggy cargo shorts, my tightest sports bra, and an oversized tee shirt. i had a friend tell me one time i looked like a dad when i was dressed like this the day after a night out and i actually beamed. she thought it was kind of mean and apologized but i ate that shit up.
anyway, this is what’s been going through my mind a lot the last… 2 years maybe?
i feel like questioning for so long is an indication that i may be too, but i’m like so so fearful. am i trying to be trendy? am i just a woman who likes androgyny? i don’t want to feel like a fraud using she/her and they/them pronouns. can you identify as a woman and still use they/them? isn’t that inherently not what being non-binary is? am i more gender fluid, then? i feel no strong draw to any pronouns. my only feeling is that i would rather not be referred to with he/him, and also that i like being called a woman.
anyway
i’m very confused a need help from knowledgeable queer people. i have no older queer people in my life and i just don’t know who to talk to.
#late night thoughts with sara#non binary#gender fluid#gender expression#gender identity#help#lgbtqia#lgbtq community#advice
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I love the fact that I HATE the "chosen one" trope where the main character is extremely special and is suddenly super powerful when they literally have no training or whatsoever and is one of a kind and aim to save the world because they're the only one who can. Like seriously I hate that kind of thing.
And Merlin is literally all of those things but he is literally one of my most favorite character of all time.
I think it is because while he is all in the above, 1) the magic system in BBC Merlin is literally shit, I'm sorry. I don't feel like it has any structure whatsoever. Merlin fanfiction's writer wrote a better magic system than the show. So I never really felt as if he was more special than any other magical user. I mean, there are some scenes where I was like "wow Merlin did THAT" like he was being a badass and powerful and it was told several times that he was special but overall I felt like he was on par with other magic users (but at the same time I really think he's more powerful? Like my thoughts always alternate between the two thoughts lmao + not to add that we are given little examples of what other magic users can do generally and more examples of "powerful" sorcerers. So I was like "oh Morgana/Morgause/etc can do that too."
Furthermore, Merlin's personality also really helps. Because he was such a sarcastic little sunshine that made his character so endearing and loveable. But at the same time we see how much he suffered and all the mistakes he made. How his character developed through the series is really heartbreaking to watch. Idk there's something about Merlin that is so damn loveable.
Anddd this series is from Merlin's perspective and I like to think that it was Merlin narrating the whole series. And despite "Emrys" and "most powerful sorcerers" being thrown at him, he still never thinks that he is any more special than anyone else or more powerful? He knows he can do some incredible stuff (like making an earthquake and holding back Morgana's magic, summoning a freaking goddess) but he treated that as if it was normal (insert Elle Wood's "What, is it hard?") so we as viewers also act as if it was a normal thing that he can do when it is actually not.
And the last dragonlord thing. Because of course Merlin's father is the last dragonlord. And in Merlin's perspective, this is actually quite an important thing because it's a duty he took seriously (protecting Aithusa's egg and all). But literally the only people to know he have this ability other than himself are Gaius and Kilgharrah 😭. So it wasn't really, gushed?
Okay I am burning down and while there are so many other factors I would like to conclude with, the reason why Merlin is different is because he wasn't put on a pedestal. Heroes like Harry Potter and Alina Starkov have the whole world looking at them. But Merlin's identity is hidden. Hell, even his greatest enemy didn't know who he really is. And yes, the druids depend on him to legalize magic and represent them but Merlin's whole focus in the show wasn't that. It was protecting Arthur.
Oh! And I would like to add the fact that Merlin actually fucked up in the show? Like he poisoned Morgana which is not only horrible but a fatal mistake. He chose Arthur instead of magic which led to Arthur's downfall. These are major life changing things that leave a huge impact and I kind of like (but at the same time i hate 😭) that Merlin is allowed to make mistakes and he can be selfish and he's imperfect yk. Not everything he does is right or for the sake of other people. And the fact that he paid for his mistakes!!
And it shows he's literally just a child who was manipulated and thrust into this huge responsibility he wasn't prepared for.
#this doesn't make any sense really#i have a point i swear#but i think they got lost in the rambling 😭#Im so sorry lmao
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8, 12, 15 and 16? also hiiii fran!!! 💜
nali, my friend mi cariño stellina preziosa, hiiii!! ♡
8. What other identities are you, if any?
i identify as a menace >:) arospec, too! specifically demiromantic, because i feel like that term defines me very, very well. i'm not overly particular about the label in on itself though, so i often just go with aro as in the umbrella and call it a day. doesn't change how i know my soul craves and feels and nurtures all forns of love.
12. Dragons or cake ace?
i'm the looks like a cake-ace, is actually a dragon-ace type! absolutely, yes, dragon-ace here, hi! :)
15.Do you experience the ace obliviousness to innuendos or dirty jokes?
well, not when they come from me ngl. depends! my sense of humor is cheeky and quite blunt, so sometimes i am the one making innuendos before i can filter them out. nothing crude or anything, but it happens. vice versa sometimes i don't even notice them right away, but it depends on who i'm talking to, if we are in tune and all that, the mood, and how at ease i feel. because otherwise i'm like ??? oh. oh, were you... oh, you were. lol.
16. How do you feel about sex scenes/romantic plots/subplots in movies?
oh, tricky question. i mean, i don't care for any of that in general. it can be a big turn-off for me though, like, i'm literally there for a good plot, so if they try to sell it by shoving the main romance plot down my throat, i walk out. don't know if it's out of pettiness or exasperation, probably both, but i do.
side-plot or sub-plot, again, depends. because i do have ships, i'm not love-averse or anything, and if it's done right then chances are i'm going to appreciate it. but there are times when i just can't stand it in the long run, because i am, quite frankly, sick of the unconscious message that states that love (as in, romantic love) conquers it all; love is the ultimate goal and the best feeling in the world; love heals and it's powerful and it makes you whole; it's what happy endings are made of.
and i'm like, no. it's just boring, and it's false, and it almost always comes along with a shit-ton of heteronormativity, which is another can of worms i'm not about to open, but yeah. again, it's all about the writing at the end of the day. i think it is something rooted not only in my own experience (or lack, thereof) but also and above all in my perception of life and love. because i want to see it, sure, but i mean, come on, represent other forms of it. there are so many!
like, give us the self-love many of us have to learn by ourselves all through our lives and struggle with, that tenderness and patience directed at our inner child and every version of our own selves that only we have ever really, completely known. give us philia, that platonic affection and close bond and care between friends or siblings or families that are either by blood or by choice or by chance. give us pragma, born from adversities and all about compromises and patience and tolerance and camaraderie between people. give us storge, that familial love that refers to natural or instinctual affection. give us agape, for fuck's sake, give us the unconditional and selfless and infinite and absolutely rare love that knows no bound and no fixed connotation, that it can be tender or heartbreaking or ruthless or silent and thrives between souls. not just between man and woman or woman and woman or man and man, and not even just between humans.
i went on a rant but. yeah :') i swear i'm not against romcoms and have watched some myself, i just need a mojo and a break from time to time. and as for possible sex? i either skip them, go on my phone or tune them out. i can appreciate the aesthetics of the scene in on itself, and nudity doesn't really bother me as long as i don't see any flying eggplant (but then again given the kind of movies or tv series or anime that i watch, i hardly ever run into that kind of scene), but yeah. i much prefer to see cuddling, now that has me melting because i may be asexual but i am also one hell of a tactile and huggy person. sending you a hug if you managed to come this far btw.
ace ask game!
#asks#sorry i got a bit carried away i just...had to share. because i recently had a bit of a meltdown about it#on a lighter note the last answer can basically be summed by the practical example of me and my cousin (same age group) going to the cinema#and her being like. ''oh i want to see 50 sh4d3s of bl4ck'' and me going. ''omg look there's dumbo!'' and us ending up watching dumbo.#literally that is it lol
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Something I always think about when debates about queer rep in cr come up that I don’t see talked about often is something I’ve come to refer to as “gay resources and resource allocation.” And no matter how I try to describe it when it comes up I can never really encompass what I mean, so here’s my one big old try at explaining it. I am truly not trying to discourse with people, I just want to explain my feelings on all this finally.
So, let’s start with, what the fuck do I mean? Basically, dnd live shows aren’t actually set up the best for queer rep in some ways, logistically speaking. They don’t have as much resources and those resources they have to allocate. And what the fuck do I mean by that? Well:
PCs are your main source of rep, but there are only so many PCs, 7 every 3/4ish years for cr in particular. And besides that, you have NPCs, which are numerous, but usually interactions with them are so surface level or unrelated to their sexuality or gender that it almost never comes up unless they use they/them or neopronouns, or are actively flirting in a visibly queer way/in a visibly queer relationship. So in short, there’s only so many people with so many sexualities to go around. And if someone isn't comfortable with something, like how Travis wasn’t comfortable doing romance in C1 (tho I guess you could argue that Grog was aromantic from that angle), they shouldn’t be forced to do that and that takes another piece off of the gay board. Resources and resource allocation, basically.
And then there’s the issue of, well, characters being run by singular person. Usually when someone chooses to make a queer character in a TV show/book/movie whatever, they have resources. They have the time to rewrite and rewrite, to get other queer people and sensitivity consultants to help (and yes I’m pretty sure cr does have a sensitivity consultant but it’s not completely relevant to my point), do test screenings, etc. They often don’t because they don’t care, but they have the opportunity.
But CR has none of that because they’re literally live. Even if the show isn’t broadcasted live, it is completely unedited (besides gags and goofs for the ad read) and they can’t reshoot something. It’s a continuous, completely improvised, fully live story. That can be very scary I’m sure, because you have to do your rep 100% right at all times or you’ll get trashed online. What if you’re portraying an identity that isn’t yours? You wanna do it right, but that’s very hard when it comes down to Just You and you actually care. Even if you aren’t doing something wrong you’ll get trashed online.
Also this isn’t me excusing mistakes they’ve made representing queer people, it’s not me giving them a free pass. But I’ve heard people tear the cast to shreds for stupid, inane, unnecessary things, in the most bizarre way possible. Like, look at all the shit Liam has gone through with two bisexual characters.
And the live format also means that opportunities to do rep are harder. If you write a book, you can engineer the perfect scenario for someone to come out. But when you do a live play show, things have to come up naturally, and that sometimes just doesn’t happen. Look at Caduceus. He was aroace, and in my opinion played very well and very consistently throughout the entire show. Hell, a lot of ace people identified him as being ace from the beginning. But the actual conformation, the “coming out”, was waaaay after he was introduced. It wasn’t that they were hiding it, it just didn’t come up in a way that made sense. And it’s even harder for NPCs.
Now let’s look at romances themselves. With NPCs it’s easier, look at Kima and Allura or how in EXU it was confirmed that Gilmore has a husband. But PC romance not only takes a long time, but is complicated as fuck. The emotions you feel while playing dnd are real, even if they aren’t applicable to you the person. So developing a romance takes a lot of time and energy and can be very messy, especially when it’s getting torn apart on the internet. Not to mention if there isn’t anyone in the party you can romance (but want to), or how hard NPC romances are. Once again, less resources.
And this isn’t just in CR. In one of the home games I play a huge percentage of the players are queer in some way, including our DM. But we have all these same resource and resource allocation issues, though they aren’t really issues in our case because we aren’t setting out to do rep. PC romances are rare, and NPC romances even rarer, and although there are plenty of enbies in both party and NPCs, actual sexualities rarely come up because they just aren’t applicable. The only time thats come up a lot in my experience was in games designed for romance.
And this isn’t even touching on how CR1 wasn’t set up for live-streaming and purposeful diversity, it was originally a home game, etc.
So now we look at what all this means. Well, I don’t have a big conclusion. I still think queer rep is hugely important and cr should continue to work to include it, like they’ve done in the past. I think actual fuck ups in rep should be discussed. But I think some parts of the fandom need to keep in mind all of this when discussing queer rep, because the debates can get really bad faith at times when this stuff isn’t considered.
#critical role#cr#cr meta#cr discourse#i guess#sorta#cr disk horse#I don’t wanna start any but I don’t wanna risk people who block the tag#seeing it#and getting upset#critrole
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