#3. I'm not good enough but not in an imposter syndrome way. Like. I try and I try but I won't be good enough to be given the light of day
Text
The Perfect Girl
Summary: Somewhere along the line the villain won and the hero lost. Now your life is nothing more than a cautionary tale.
Part #2 of Imposter Syndrome but can be read as a stand-alone. Part #3 The Spider's web
Warnings: Dollification, yandere themes but like more than usual, abuse, violence, horrible Spanish, NO NSFW but the reader and Miles are 18+. Friends to enemies to one sided lovers. This plays out as a cautionary tale.
Author's note: Can you tell I'm bad at writing Intimacy??😂🤣
You squirm uncomfortably on Miles's lap. Arms awkwardly thrown around his neck as you try to hide your face in his chest. Miles sits proudly, face void of emotions and voice overflowing with authority. He's barking orders to his underlings. For what you're not sure, you've long since stopped listening in on his conversations, your inability to do anything coupled with the innocent lives you know would be destroyed was enough to keep you awake at night. And consciousness was the last thing you wanted these days.
It's been six weeks.
Six weeks since the Prowler defeated New York's last beacon of hope. Six weeks since he'd been welcomed into the Sinister Six as their newest member. They're shining star.
Six weeks since he stole you away from everything you knew,
everything you loved.
You hear the padding of feet and the loud thump of the door. You're alone with him again. So the nightmare begins anew. You're reluctant to lift your head, to face your capturer. You hate him, you hate him, you hate him. It's funny how once, back when you'd still wore your beloved silk mask, you had used to count the minutes until your midnight rendezvous.
Miles's fingers reach towards you, tilting your chin up. His smile is razor sharp, deformed as if he can't quite remember how to smile. "Muñequita" he mutters like a disjointed prayer as his fingers glide up your side. Drowning you in a sense of impending doom.
You stare into his eyes. Two voids that have seen every nightmare imaginable. Any saint, any sweet innocent boy whose been trapped inside the darkness for this long comes out as a monster. Stumbling through the night with knives instead of teeth and an appetite for destruction. Miles Morales may have been a human once, a long time ago. Before you met him, before the savior of New York met him. But now he's a monster, one who has long since buried any morals and dignity he may have once had.
Sometimes when the night rages on and you're caged between his arms and sentience. you wonder if maybe, just maybe you should go digging for any of the virtues that he's buried six feet deep. But when he laughs and tauntingly presses on a new bruise with his thumb, you conclude quickly that it's better to leave his good qualities dead. it's easier to hate him that way.
"How does it feel to sit in your arch nemesis's lap?"
He jabs as he pinches your cheek. You let out a soft cry of annoyance as you shift your gaze away from your tormentor.
Miles revels in your fall from grace. Adores pinching and probing you in front of his minions or the rest of his gang members. Loves taunting you after every failed escape attempt. You try to bite his finger, to make him feel a fraction of your pain. But before your teeth can graze his skin, he releases your cheek. He laughs, low and fragmentary. A haunting noise that reminds you that he barely counts as human anymore, just a heartless ghost masquerading as a real boy. "Trying to rebel again mi amor?".
You fight the urge to pick at the flesh of your face or bite your fingers until you reach the bone.
Miles's eyes narrow, annoyed at your lack of a response. He's growing bored, he always does when his pet refuses to play along. His gauntlet reaches for your neck. Squeezing as the claws bite into your flesh.
you should let him kill you, give him the final satisfaction of watching your blood blemish the skin-tight dress he's made you wear. Watch as the life leaves your eyes. "let's try this again mami. When I ask, how it feels your response should be.."
"I love you Miles" you mutter, all deadpan and defaced. "Not like that say it the way I taught you" he hisses, a threat, you note wearily.
"Te amo Miles"
"Bino"
Sometimes you think that he's foolish enough to believe your reprised lie. It almost helps him deceive himself into believing he still has a soul left.
He thinks he loves you.
You think he doesn't know what love quite is.
You use to be a hero, use to be revered and respected by all. You use to be someone, someone important. Laminating about all of this now will do you no good.
You're nothing more than a doll now. Painted and dressed the way Miles likes, posed forever perfectly on his lap. Flaunted and paraded as all prize trophies should be. You guess it makes sense. To the victor goes the spoils. You wonder if you would have done the same to him if you had emerged triumphant that night. Deep down, where logic doesn't reach, you know you would. At least you would have let him keep his dignity. You're not like him, you're not a villain...
But you're not a hero anymore either. What are you supposed to be anyway? When questions like this bubble into your withering mind. You force yourself to choke down the idea that you're still good, you have to be. You're not like him, like them. You're afraid that someday you'll look in the mirror and every ounce of your virtues will have evaporated. You promise yourself that that'll be the day you do something drastic. To yourself or Miles, you're not sure yet.
Miles's fingers trace the indents on your neck. Angry red puncture holes left by his steel claws. He buries his face in the crock of your neck. Licking the measly blood drops from the wounds before tenderly kissing his territory. "Stop it" you grumble trying to push at his chest. But he just growls in warning, ignoring your feeble attempts. "I got you a present, Mami" he whispers over your jugular. You flinch, as he detaches from your neck with a final kiss. He maneuvers you off his lap as he gets up and walks over to a closet on the other side of the room. Plucking out a necklace from one of the drawers.
Necklace is a generous term. Its neck tight and studded. With a silver chain hanging dead-center that speaks of horrors untold. You know what it implies, you know what he's trying to say, trying to prove. You never thought you'd miss the Prowler's iron glad punches to your stomach but you think this might just be worst. At least back then you'd been able to fight back. Reimburse every punch with a kick or stab of your own. Now you are helpless, frail. Broken glass perpetually embedded in soft cotton. Something wild, something tamed. Golden specks of a crown long since shattered tint your hair. All ghosts of who you once were.
"What do you say, muñequita," He says. In a tone that's sick, in a tone that's sweet. Like rotten nectar trickling down a destroyed paradise. Like boiling blood dripping from a broken heart. There's a click, as he fastens his present around your neck. An endless second before reality comes crashing in.
"Gracias Miles" You reply as you feel your last shard of freedom disintegrate.
You use to be something, someone. Carved from porcelain ideals and ivory hope. Divine ichor ran through your veins as you swung across New York's skyline. You had been chosen, but you hadn't been enough.
Now it feels like someone tore you apart. Ripped away your flesh, your bones, your thoughts, your soul. Stitched you up wrong with a rusted needle and a thread of ash. And all you could do was sit there and watch as your golden blood seeped through ruptured veins.
Miles grabs your shoulders. Pulling you close enough so the spikes of your necklace cut into his flesh. His lips bite yours teasingly before they finally merge into a dreadful kiss. He isn't the Prowler you remember, albeit you know that's wrong. He's not the Prowler you had fabricated when you'd thought that the two of you were both innocent souls driven to madness by this city. You use to think that Miles was beautiful, a moon-kissed face with stardust dripping from his eyes. Now you know the truth. He's nothing more than a nightmare, the embodiment of starless darkness and the terrors that lurk upon blackened city streets. He's not your friend. He never was. You were just so foolish and overwhelmed back then.
"You're mine, héroe." His voice is nothing short of a dagger laced with venom. Spreading apathetic poison from your heart to your lungs and leaking into your bloodstream. You see blood behind your eyes when your eyelids shut. Feel the apprehension pounding in the hollows of your bones.
You've long since hemmed every hole where your pride and glory use to bleed through. But it's so hard to keep divinity down when it's all you've ever known. This life isn't yours. This thing that Miles has forced you to be isn't you. There's still hope, you think. Heroes never lose hope. It's a lesson everyone learns, sooner or later.
Later that night Miles kisses you again, this time whispering how to him you are perfection personified. The dark circles under your eyes and bloody knuckles validate that. He traces circles on your arms whilst telling you about how the Sinister Six plan to expand their operations to the next city over. All this makes you wonder if he'd ever been a sweet little boy, tucked under his mother's arm, whilst his father kisses his cheek. Of if he's always been a merciless monster who wears his kills like honor badges.
You pray under your breath as he reminds you that you're no longer a hero. You wonder if you pray because you are human or if praying makes you human. There are still some fragments of hope bubbling inside you regardless of what he says.
Miles likes to remind you that you no longer have the power to save anyone. That the villains won and the heroes lost and that's the way this story ends.
You refuse to believe him.
#miles morales x reader#miles morales#across the spiderverse#miles morales x you#miles morales x y/n#earth 42 miles morales x reader#earth 42#yandere miles morales#yandere miles morales x reader#across the spider verse spoilers#yandere across the spiderverse#miles morales prowler#prowler miles#spiderman across the spiderverse#atsv miles morales#atsv#yandere atsv#miles x reader#yancore#yandere x reader#yandere x you#yandere#marvel x reader#marvel headcanon#marvel#yandere marvel#yandere marvel x you#42 miles morales#miles morales fanfiction#yandere spiderverse
1K notes
·
View notes
Text
Every day I get closer to writing the "You vs YouTwo trying to steal your identity in the Spider Society" fic (which, the fic even has a name as I slowly build it, I'm calling it Imposter Syndrome because, you know, 1 Reader is starting to get depressed and feel unneeded even before YouTwo comes along and 2. Well. It's self explanatory)
But anyways I keep thinking of all of these dramatic interactions and scenes (shit I was listening to John Mulaney stand up just to write dialogue for Peter Porker, for funsies) where, thinking of either Reader being kicked out of the Spider Society and such, and them having to literally hunt you down and search for you, but. What if YOU came to them?
It's been like 3 months since you "died" after the Society mistaking you for your double and removing the dimensional watch that kept you tethered down, and there's a palpable air of depression. Spiders go to the training room you used to teach your classes in and leave flowers and mementos and share stories of their times spent with you. Maybe they even do something fucking dramatic like set up a memorial, like a plaque with your name and photo or something, but, something to help remind them to be wary of who they bring into the Society and appreciate the ones they have and so on so forth, and also like I imagine there were Spiders who were so attached to you that this entire incident makes them leave the Socety for good (like maybe Hobie equates the way you were exiled to fascist tyranny and hates Miguel more than he already does for letting it/helping it happen, for example)
But, anyways, months later, but not too terribly long for them to stsrt to forget about you, just enough time for the guilt and depression and the longing to marinate, and some Spiders are hanging out in the food court, Peter B and Jess and some of the others managing to drag Miguel out of his lab to eat and be around other people because he's just been holing up by himself almost 24/7 since you "left". Dude's a fucking mess, man, you can literally just look at him and see the dark circles under his eyes, the unwashed hair, the body odor because he fucking lives in that suit, and half the cafeteria is wondering if he's about to start crying into his stupid silly ass Miguel burger and
*FWOMP*
Some loud ass undescribable noise as the fabric of the universe suddenly shifts and, you glitch right back in and slam down on the floor besides their table. The entire room freezes as they literally had no idea you were still alive as you scramble to your feet, the first thing you notice being the food as you DIVE for Miguel's burger, snatching it right off his plate and beginning to absolutely devour it like literally gobbling that shit as the man amd everyone else is AGHAST. You've lost a significant amount of weight (like, an unhealthy amount for the time that has passed) and you're covered in bruises and scratches with tears and holes all over your suit. Your hair has knots and tangles and your Spidey suit is beyond dirty with a raggedy jacket and a tattered backpack on your body. You've just been constantly bouncing in and out of different dimensions, ricocheting all over the place this entire time, which made it hard for you to eat, sleep, bathe, do just about anything normally. One minute you're trying to swipe some food from a market because you have no money, the next you're glitching again and you're lost in an apocalyptic wasteland, or a thick jungle, or even places where shapes and colors don't operate the same as we can even comprehend it
You're constantly dropping the food because your hands keep glitching but you're clearly obviously starving, and Pavitr hands you his chai to help wash everything down, but you still pick up several beverages on the table and absolutely chug them as your friends are just stunned into silence, still in shock, quickly morphing into all kinds of different emotions. Joy you're still alive, horror and pity for your current state, guilt and anguish that all of them did this to you. Jesus, have you even been able to drink water? Like if you didn't have Spider powers you probably would have died by now and it's easy to see you're weak on your feet
And from here I see two options and I'll go with the less exciting one first:
Reader is so fucking hungry and malnourished and weak that after the Spiders make room for you to sit at their table and eat their food, you being just genuinely so fucking worn down from constantly not being able to eat and sleep properly, that you basically show up, eat the entire table's worth of food, and all but fall into a food coma right then and there because this is like the first time youve been able to sit and mildly relax for WEEKS, like here comes Spider Plushie for the save like he's trying to slide across home base, loyally stopping in front of you and directly under your head as you just kind of, slump forward, the little guy making the perfect pillow as he keeps your forehead from smacking against the table, and you're just, like O U T out as Miguel cradles you in his arms because, oh my god he thought you were gone forever, and he won't let anyone else touch you as he marches you straight to, wherever the fucking doctors in this place are
But option TWO: suddenly you pause your gorging as some burps rise up in your chest and you suddenly have some calories pushing enough energy to your brain that you finally look around, like REEEEALLY look around. The entire room is dead silent, some starting to cry with joy and relief, others still stunned, many looking absolutely confused, and your eyes eventually meet with Miguel's. He doesn't look quite as run down as you, but WOW is this one sad haggard looking dilf, and you blink at him for a minute. And then look around. And back at him. And around. And to him
And your expression morphs into something so fearful as you force out a nervous laugh, "oh, wait, it's... you guys..." And the second everything clicks for you, you're IMMEDIATELY TAKING OFF, and despite your weakened state you actually make them really work for it because wow that adrenaline kicks in as you for your life because you're thinking "shit they still think I'm the fake and they'll kill me this time if they get their hands on me" when in actuality Miguel is getting his ass on the intercom system ordering all available units to stop you so they can put a bracelet back on you so you aren't lost again, which i mean it is but isnt even a yandere thing at this point, youre literally going to die without some sort of dimensional tether. But during the chase Miguel realizes you aren't using your webs, and you're actually not nearly as fast as he's seen you before, and he realizes with a broken heart, oh Jesus you're literally too malnourished to produce your organic webs within your body, or a lot of it, anyways. You must REALLY be in bad shape
And I imagine like, the chase comes to a halt, not when they catch you, but when your physical exhaustion finally catches up to you. Sweetie you barely ate anything for the last several days, suddenly gorged on a whole spread of food, and then started sprinting and jumping and climbing and parkouring on shit. You HAVE to stop running because you're literally getting sick and VOMITING, like, your former students and fellow Spiderpeople and of course Miguel are hot on your heels and they all pause and give you space because you're literally having to throw up in a gutter with sweat pouring down your face and entire body developing the shakes as, oh no, you feel your strength leaving you as you can't even hold yourself up, collapsing onto the ground, barely conscious as something scoops you up with the gentleness of handling glass, your eyes unable to stay open as you whimper things. "Please don't kill me... I'll leave... I'll never come back..." before you pass out
Miguel has you immediately checked by doctors while the staff have to limit the amount of people trying to come and see you (because, uh, there are a ridiculous amount of Spiders invested in your wellbeing) and only he's in the room as the medical team details your current state. Severe malnutrition, sunburns, broken ribs, a finger or two in crudely-improvised splints, telogen effluvium aka temporary hair loss from illness/extreme stress, you're probably starting to come down with a cold of some sort, potentially something dramatic like pneumonia.
You sleep for like several days straight while hooked up to IVs and fluids because your body just needed to heal THAT badly. By the time you wake up you feel like you're rising from the dead, your entire body aching and heavy, taking minutes to blink yourself awake to take in your new surroundings. You've got a private medical suite that's pretty well-secured, and when you try to scratch a sudden itch on your nose, you feel a weight on your wrist after going to move your arm. Oh, it's another kind of watch, although this one doesn't have nearly all the features and buttons of the first one, and when you keep rotating your wrist over and over, you can't seem to find the latch to take it off, because, well, there isn't one
Miguel is already in the room with you, either having been working on a laptop or just legitimately sitting there watching you sleep for an unknown amount of time, even if its completely dark in the room. He's gotten himself all cleaned up and back to normal and looking like his old self again but he's honestly not even sure what to say to you. Emotions aren't really his strong suit? Where does he start, apologizing for this whole mess or promising it will never happen again?
The only guarantee for now is that you will NOT be leaving Nueva York again, or even so much as leaving his SIGHT, so long as Miguel doesn't want you to, and trust me, after being tricked and having you ripped away from him, to see you in such a vulnerable sad state because of his own actions when all he wanted was to protect you, he's got a whoooole lotta things he wants to do and talk to you about. First and foremost? Vowing that he's going to make everything up to you, starting now, by being your most devout protector
#yandere spiderverse#yandere x reader#yandere miguel o'hara#atsv#yandere stuff#sinprompts#imma be real im pretty sure my posts dont show up in tags anymore but who knows :(
256 notes
·
View notes
Text
To the hosts out there reading, this post is for you!
You're doing god's work (for your sys) and i applaud you for that as this role takes a lot of responsibility and out-time longer than any other parts in the system. I do admit it's hard to be one, and i do understand your inner struggles.. which is why i'm going to talk about this topic: deeply rooted sense of denial.
Yes, there's a lot of validating posts out there which is why i decided to join in and give my own pov in purpose of covering more stuffs than other people had done. Those things won’t be repeated here, fyi.
Q: Why do hosts tend to have more denial than others?
A: Actually, its not the type of role that guarantees you into having more denial compared to different parts, everyone can have it, in varying degrees. This is more about HOW hosts can have higher amounts of denial.
Q: But what's making them having denial, what's your "how"?
A: They're the one being outside most of the time and usually busy functioning in real life which leaves little to no room for attention to notice other parts roaming around or see the innerworld. They may subconsciously feel they are more "real" than other parts as the rest don't get the same chance to be out like hosts.
It can also stem from self doubt or imposter syndrome,, but generally from the discovery of being a system after a long time of living without knowing it, sometimes accepting a change or realization is already hard by itself. Lack of proof to validate the condition also works, because hosts usually got hidden away from traumatic memories which creates an assumption of not being “too bad” to have one.
Q: If someone feels the denial/doubt, what should be done?
A: Only being told “that’s denial” won’t actually solve the problem, other than proofs of not being aware of time gaps and ‘less bad’ memories it still feels a pretty weak answer. So, some questions that will work better are:
“Why do you think you can’t be a system?”
”Are you aware of any hazy or blurry memories of your life? What is the reason for it to happen?”
”In denial, have you ever thought of trying to find some clues and take account and think of it rather dismissing it right away?”
”how do you currently feel when you’re questioning the existence of other parts?” (This is for self awareness and managing panic before it spirals)
“Is there any other way to describe your situation?”
“Do you think the experiences you’ve seen in yourself is equivalent what a system looks like? (using other’s experiences can work)”
I have made a dedicated post on handling this so if you’d like to educate yourselves or see the solutions, click here. Another thing that i want to say is to be transparent with each other and communicate in a 2-way,, nothing will get solved if things are always kept away from each other.
One last thing i’d want to tell to all the hosts out there is that they deserve a break, a time out from the world. Nothing will go wrong,, no, your other parts are capable and responsible enough to cover for you when you’re resting. I really advice to anyone reading this that being burnt out and pushing against it is never good,, what do you get out of it? Just extra debt of depleted energy and even more problems be it cognitively or emotionally, only you know.
so please take care of yourselves, you’re the most important role when it comes to creating a functional life outside for your system, so you should take proper breaks keep your best condition to work too <3
- j
#did#actually did#did community#did osdd#did system#dissociative identity disorder#plural#sysblr#system stuff#Jeducates
91 notes
·
View notes
Note
I usually don't ask...
But i tonight my legs hurted so much at each movement i did and i couldn't calm down...
Can you write about Mountain having problems with his legs but not wanting to ask for help because he's strong enough (he's the one who care about everyone not the one to care about, he can't be weak,no?) to deal alone with that, suffering in his room till Aether founds him?
[i dont know if it's a good idea for writing but... feel free to ignore this 🥺, sorry to bother]
hi, loves <3 i'm sorry to hear both of you have been having a rough time recently :( hopefully this can help you both a tiny bit <3 (and you aren't bothering me at all, anon !!)
cw: mountain struggles to walk, severe leg pain, mountain loves fried rice, brief mention of accidentally skipping a meal, regressed (child, not toddler) mountain, cg aether. mightn't be the easiest read for littles.
~
The hill leading up from the greenhouses to the Abbey is a decent size. Mountain has never really thought of it as big, but he knows the littles get adorably exhausted trying to climb back up it at the end of a long, exciting da with him in the greenhouses. He always delights when their faces light up after he offers them a piggyback. When it's him who's struggling to climb back up the hill with no one to offer their help however, he thinks it's much less adorable.
Each step he takes has his knees screaming at him for putting them under so much pressure, joints wobbling dangerously in their sockets as he moves forward and upward. The path under his feet is slippery with loose stones and gravel, which means that with his weakened legs, every step he takes sends him sliding back another two. It's always an impossible task getting back to the Ministry on a bad pain day, but Mountain doesn't remember ever having quite this much difficulty, even when he regresses.
Speaking of, as he gets more and more frustrated for not being able to make his way up the hill, he feels his mind slipping slowly into a horribly familiar void of fog and annoyance; a mirror of his actions when his legs give out under him and he slides back to the bottom of the hill, all his progress lost. Again.
He tries again and again, and each time ends with him falling flat on his face, knees giving out from underneath him as he cries out in pain over and over again. Once it's clear he's not going to make it if he walks, he tries crawling up, but the path is so rocky that he scrapes his hands and knees barely five metres into his attempt.
He curses himself for not bringing his crutches or his cane down to the greenhouses with him earlier. Not that they would be much good on the sliding, unstable gravel, but maybe if he'd been using them during the day, his legs wouldn't have become this painful. Alas, his imposter syndrome never stops reminding him that he doesn't need mobility aids all the time, therefore he shouldn't be allowed to use them at all. It's a thought process he's trying to break, but he never seems to have much luck with it. One day he'll be able to break it, and he can only hope that day comes soon; he's getting tired of having to spend his nights alone in a freezing greenhouse.
He sighs, tears of annoyance in his eyes as he slowly makes his way back into the main greenhouse. His knees buckle and legs give out under him at least twice, but the earth ghoul is so exhausted from trying to climb back up the hill that he can barely keep track of putting one foot in front of the other, let alone how many times he wobbles on his feet.
Once he's inside the greenhouse, he collapses, sobbing. He hadn't properly registered it while he was walking, but now that he's stopped, he hurts. His knees ache, feeling like they're on fire and pressed up against dry ice all at once, the hot and cold mixing not to create a perfect balance, but a hellscape of pain and sensation. Once the sobs subside, Mountain crawls very slowly over to his makeshift bed on the greenhouse floor and tries to get comfortable; this happens often enough that he's had to create a space that's comfortable enough for him to sleep on several nights a week.
The bed is a humble thing. Straw, spare bags of fertiliser and layers hessian bags make up the mattress, and Mountain has brought down his least favourite pillows and blankets to keep him relatively comfortable throughout the long, painful nights. Usually, this is fine, but the fog clouding his brain hasn't gone away—if anything, it's getting stronger with every movement of his legs that shoots pain right through his whole body—and all he wants is comfort; his favourite blankets, his non-lumpy pillows, maybe even the weight and warmth of that microwavable plushie Sunshine bought for him the other week.
He sighs. Wishing for any of these things won't make them magically appear. He'd better get as comfortable as he can with what he's got here. As soon as he tucks himself into the bed, pulling the scratchy blankets up to his neck, his stomach rumbles. He's hungry; hasn't eaten since breakfast, accidentally continuing his work in the greenhouse well into the afternoon until it was too late to go back up for lunch. It's a choice he's really starting to regret now. Unable to climb the hill and return to the Ministry, Mountain won't be eating tonight. He lets out a decidedly kit-like whine at this realisation; normally he'd be embarrassed but since there's no one around to hear or help him, he can't find it in himself to care.
When another rumble sounds from his stomach, he wraps his arms around his middle and curls in on himself, crying quietly. He's all alone, and no one's going to come help him. Even if they did, how could they help? He's in too much pain, he's crying, and everything is so big and so much that he can barely stand to think about it, let alone handle it.
He's so in his head, vision so blurred by his tears and hearing obscured by the sound of his sobbing, that he doesn't notice Aether until the quintessence ghoul is crouched right in front of him.
"Oh, eden, what am I going to do with you, hmm?"
"Ae– Aether...?" Mountain doesn't want to sound too hopeful. He's partially convinced that the ghoul in front of him is some hallucination provided by his mind to give him some comfort. Either that or the fumes from the fertiliser are starting to get to him.
"I'm here, sprout," Aether assures him, reaching out to gently caress the earth ghoul's cheek. "I'm here."
Mountain breaks down all over again, sobbing so hard that his head begins to hurt. He's so relieved that someone is here. He's not going to be left alone. He's safe now.
"M– My legs are hurting and I– I couldn't get up the hill and then I am crying and– and– and–" He cuts himself off, heaving big breaths in between his sobs and sniffles.
"Hey, shh, love. Slow down, one thought at a time, little eden," Aether reminds him. "Breathe with me, c'mon. Yeah, that's it, love, iiiiiiiiiiin." Aether inhales slowly, and Mountain does his best to mirror the quintessence ghoul's actions. "And now we breath ooouuut..."
Mountain lets go of his breath in a huff, making Aether chuckle.
"You need to breathe out a bit slower than that, eden. As slowly as we did when we breathed in. D'you want to try again?"
Mountain nods, biting his lip as he stares up at Aether.
"Okay, follow my lead again. That's it." Aether leads the two of them through the cycle of in's and out's as many times as it takes for Mountain's tears to slow and for his breathing to even back out. When they're done, Aether smiles at him widely and leans down to press a gentle kiss to Mountain's forehead. "Well done, little eden. I know you're hurting, and you're being so brave."
Aether's praise brings tears to his eyes all over again, and he only just manages to keep them from spilling over. "Th– Thank you, Aethy..."
"You're welcome, love." Aether kisses his forehead again, pulling a quiet laugh out of Mountain. "And, oh!" Aether exclaims suddenly. "I almost forgot! I brought something for you, love."
Mountain cocks his head in question, his eyebrows furrowing as he tries to imagine what Aether could have possibly brought.
The quintessence ghoul reaches behind him and pulls out a tupperware container and a fork. Mountain's eyes widen and he sits up immediately. "You broughted food?"
Aether hums the affirmative and opens the lid to show the little earth ghoul the contents of the container. "Rain and Cirrus made fish, but I know that's not really your favourite, so I swiped some fried rice from the main kitchens."
Mountain barely lets Aether finish his sentence before he's grabbing the container and messily scooping the dinner into his mouth. "Iths good Aef!" He says, grinning around a mouthful of rice.
Aether smiles. "I'm glad. I figured you'd be hungry, you skipped lunch, eden."
Mountain has the good sense to look ashamed as he swallows his rice. "I know... Wan'ed to finish my plant things... 'M sorry, Aethy."
Aether hums and reaches out to stroke Mountain's hair softly. "I know your plants are important, but you're important too, little eden. You gotta take care of yourself as well as your plants, even if it's hard."
"M– Maybe," Mountain considers. "Maybe if I had comed up for lunch, I would not be stuck in here now...?"
"Maybe," Aether says. "But it's best to not think about what might have happened, yeah? Better to think about what's happening now, love."
"Well, I have got my rice and my itchy blankets and my Aether now," Mountain grins. "But I do not have, um... Being warm...?"
"You don't have being warm?" Aether clarifies, clearly amused as he continues carding his fingers through the little earth ghoul's hair.
"I don't have being warm!" Mountain repeats. "I wanna go in the warm, but I can't go up the hill..." He can feel the pout in his voice as he leans into Aether's hand on his head.
"Well..." Aether starts. "How about I carry you up the hill?"
Mountain gapes. "You can do that?"
Aether assures him that he can, pretending to flex his muscles and making Mountain giggle uncontrollably. "I know the hill's very steep, but if we need, I can get someone else to come down and we can carry you up together, okay?"
Mountain nods, already excited by the prospect of not having to spend the night in the cold, damp greenhouse. "Can I eat my rice more when you carry me?"
"If you can hold onto me and eat your rice at the same time, you can absolutely eat the rest of your rice as we walk up," Aether assures him. "But if you can't hold on, you need to promise me that you'll drop the rice, okay? I'd rather have to clean up rice than clean my little eden up from off the ground."
"I can do that!" Mountain says enthusiastically. "Do I drop the fork too?"
Aether nods. "You're all over this, love! A master of fork and rice safety, that's what you are."
Mountain grins and puffs out his chest proudly, holding his arms out ready for Aether to pick him up.
"This might hurt a bit while I get your legs in a comfy position, okay, little eden?"
Mountain nods, wincing as his legs change position when Aether gets his hands under the little earth ghoul's armpits and lifts. He lets out a quiet cry of pain as Aether repositions him in his arms, but once he's settled, the pain disappears. Without the warmth of his blanket covering him however, he starts shivering in the quintessence ghoul's arms.
"You ready to go, love?"
Mountain nods, burrowing further into Aether's arms for warmth while simultaneously still trying to eat his fried rice.
Aether laughs affectionately at his antics. "You comfy now?"
"Uh huh. 'S good."
"Great! Alright, my little eden. Let's go get you warmed up."
#i went a bit off track but i hope it's still alright for you lovely anons <3#also this is... a LOT longer than i expected it to be... almost 2k words O_O#mountain ghoul#aether ghoul#regressed ghouls#nameless ghouls#the band ghost#🫧 anon#ghostie writes
52 notes
·
View notes
Text
HER| Park Jimin 박 지민
Based on the song “HER” by Chase Atlantic
༺═────────────═༻
༺═────────────═༻
Chapter one
༺═────────────═༻
"Sometimes, I wish you were a man, Kyung-Mi," Chung-Ae sighed.
What?
"I'm not even going to question what goes on in your mind at this point, Chung-Ae," I laughed as I continued to wipe one of the tables of the diner.
She tends to say the most random things ever. Her mind sure is something. Not going to lie, I'm kind of jealous.
"I'm serious! Men these days are just pure trash. Sure, there might be good guys out here somewhere—but so far all the ones I've met are just horrible. You have all the great qualities one looks for in a partner!" She whined.
I mean, she does have a point about it being tough to find some good partners these days. I've only been in like two relationships, but they weren't anything memorable or serious. At the same time, I wouldn't even count them as a relationship if they were in middle school though.
I was about to date a few guys back in high school, but they all either were messing with me, or it just didn't work out.
I guess I have terrible luck when it comes to men. Maybe I even have terrible qualities which leads me to still be single today, but Chung-Ae says other ways.
"You do have a point," I huffed.
After cleaning the final table in the diner, I take off my apron and smile in satisfaction. Today sure was a long day at the diner.
"Do you underestand, though?! Kyung-Mi, I don't want to end up alone and miserable. I need a man, and fast!" Chung-Ae complained.
"Honestly speaking—I feel the same way," I finally gave in and threw myself at one of the couches and groaned.
We both looked at each other and frowned. We can't stay in this depressing mood forever.
Who am I kidding, though? We're very pessimistic, so we'll probably keep on torturing ourselves about it.
"We have got to do something about this," Chung-Ae said.
"I think we should just let ourselves go with the flow," I replied.
"What? And leave ourselves single with 30 cats? No, thanks," she scoffed.
God, is she tiring sometimes...
If we keep on speaking about this topic, we'll probably ball our eyes out at this point. To be honest, I'm not really in the mood to wipe Chung-Ae's snot off her face—or listen to a sad playlist together.
"If I buy us dinner, will you shut up about this?"
"No way! I'm not that cheap, love," she huffed proudly.
I rolled my eyes, "Okay, I'm buying us dinner for a whole week. How about that?"
It grew silent for a moment.
"You have got yourself a deal."
•❅───✧❅✦❅✧───❅•
"So then I looked this girl in the eye and told her to piss off and—you are not even listening to me!" Chung-Ae screeched.
"Well, you know I zone out a lot. So, technically, it isn't my fault. It's genetics!" I justified.
"What does genetics have to—I can't even believe you're in medical school at this point," she facepalmed.
"I couldn't believe it either at first—trust me," I said.
I remember quite vividly how I had imposter syndrome. I was terribly convinced that they must've had a mix-up with me and another student. It was so stressful. Luckily enough, I managed to do well over the past few years at school.
Medical school is not for the faint-hearted. I probably should've known that before entering. Then again, some people think it's not that bad. I don't know if they're too smart or if I'm just stupid.
Chung-Ae, on the other hand, already graduated and is now working as an interior designer. I, on the other hand, am in my last year in medical school.
"Anyway, how many months do you have left before you officially graduate?" Chung-Ae asked as she munched on her bruschetta.
"3 months. Our graduation ceremony will be done after it in 2 months, "I answered as I was cutting the steak into bite-sized pieces for Chung-ae. She doesn't know how to use a knife that well, so I try to help at times.
"And you wonder why I said I wish you were a man," Chung-Ae mumbled as she watched me cut her steak for her.
"Anyway, you just have five months left?! God, I can't wait for you to work too so we both complain about our coworkers or—"
Chung-Ae started coughing and banged on her chest in an attempt to stop coughing. As I was about to go and help her, same thing with the waiter, she gestured for us a thumbs up. Unknowingly, we both exhaled a huge breath we'd been holding in.
"Miss, are you alright? Was there something in the food?" The waiter nervously asked.
She shook her head, "No, there's nothing with the food. It's all good, thank you."
After the waiter left, I looked at her with my brows raised. She gestured for me to wait a minute as she was drinking water.
"Isn't that your professor right there? Park Mijin was it?" She whisper-shouted.
As I looked in the direction she pointed at, my breath hitched as I saw professor Park with a woman, conversing over something.
Was he on a date?
I gulped, "Yeah, um that's him yeah."
I couldn't help but stare at them as my heart was beating so hard. The way he was smiling at her made my lips twitch.
"Kyung-Mi..." Chung-Ae wiped my face, which confused me as I didn't know that I was crying.
I thanked her and took the tissues from her, attempting to stop the tears from running down my face.
"God, what's wrong with me? Why am I even crying," I laughed, attempting to lighten the mood.
That didn't work though as Chung-Ae held my hands and rubbed them, looking at me sympathetically. We sit in silence like this for a few minutes as the restaurant's atmosphere filled in the quietness.
I can't believe I cried in public. I mean, I know people didn't notice, nor do they care; however, I'm still embarrassed.
If I cry, I usually cry at home or at Chung-Ae's house. I always try to restrain myself in public—though I guess this doesn't apply to what happened right now.
I wish I wasn't so sensitive sometimes.
"I'm sorry. I know you like him a lot," Chung-Ae broke the silence.
"Yeah, well—he's my professor, so it's not like something was going to happen anyway," I sniffled, still looking at the table rather than at her.
"It's his loss anyway," she tried to cheer me up.
I smiled slightly, mouthing a small thank you as I tried to recollect myself.
I know it's so inappropriate to like my teacher, but he has been an important figure in my life since last year. He treated me so well too. I've never been treated with this much care and respect.
He never crossed any boundaries, though. I'm just the idiot who falls for any guy who gives her the slightest attention. Even more of an idiot to fall for my professor.
But can you blame me though? He's smart, sophisticated, mature, gorgeous, kind, sweet, and caring. It's like he's flawless.
If only things were different, then maybe...
"Kyung-Mi, come on, let's go," Chung-As called out to me.
I furrowed my brows, "But, aren't I supposed to pay for dinner?"
"I did, so no worries. You can treat me to dinner later," She smiled.
This girl.
I picked up my bag and began to head out. Before leaving, I couldn't help but stare at them momentarily before I left.
Unbeknownst to me, he managed to catch a glimpse of me before I left.
#park jimin#jimin#bts fanfction#jimin fanfic#fanfic#fanfiction#bts army#bts fanfic#bts#bangtan sonyeondan#bangtan#bangtan boys#jeon jungkook#kim seokjin#kim namjoon#kim taehyung#jung hoseok#min yoongi
8 notes
·
View notes
Note
Hai. I just wanted to say that LPK has ruined me for almost every other BDSM story. Now when I read any, I'm like "Where's the enthusiastic consent? Where are the loving and frequent check-ins with your sub? Where is the scene where you discuss whether this is something both of you want?" And I'm including original stories in the list too. There are very few stories that can satisfy me now. Even when the sex scenes are hot, the lack of a connection between the Dom and sub puts me off. There's a Sterek BDSM fic that kind of lives up to LPK, but that's the only one I've found. You have completely ruined me. I hope you're happy, you ridiculously talented author.
Hi! 💜
Funny you should say this, because this is, in part, how LPK came to life. I wanted kinky reading that really emphasised consent, communication, and negotiation.
And sure, there are some relatively good works out there (now at least) but they generally feature a) a hetero relationship and b) some rich dude who happens to be a Dominant and a submissive gal who wants to try out kink or is in the community (to some degree) but falls head over heels in love with the Dominant which changes the whole dynamic and leads to much unnecessary drama (my personal opinion, also mainly reference original works here…fan works very often do have queer representation).
While there’s nothing wrong with that trope, it doesn’t represent me in any way. I want queerness with my kink, I want munches and shibari and tough conversations, and trust. I want things to reflect reality with a scene going well and emotions changing the dynamic midway.
There are many reasons why LPK is so dear to me, and you mentioned some, the enthusiastic consent, the conversations, but also life getting in the way and finding ways around that, growing together, etc.
I grew a lot with the writing of the story which I absolutely expected I would (or at least hoped for). Never in a million years did I think so many people would read it, comment on it, favourite it, etc. I’m not in any community where people might talk about different works so I don’t see it happening…which is why I, for the most part, still have imposter syndrome about it all, but I think that can be said for all my other writing too, not that any of it comes close to where LPK went.
I have this recurring dream of wanting to turn it into an original work, but I’m daunted by my own word count thus far and the amount of rework required so I keep thinking that the perfect idea will eventually come along.
I honestly cannot thank you enough for you very enthusiastic support and your kind message. It means the world to me, and I know I say this to everybody who takes the time to tell me what LPK means to them, but it’s not some spiel, I truly mean it. The verse has done something special to me, even though I don’t want to believe it. I fear believing it may lead to me getting a big head about it all, even though I’m certain that I could never…ugh, look at this, not only do I digress but I’m also rambling.
I won’t lie, there’ve been many times I’ve wanted to take the verse down, and not just it but all my works, as I don’t especially feel connected to the fandom world, but then I remember that I primarily write for myself and anyone who would like to come along for the ride is more than welcome. As for the rest, I try my best not to care and if I do, I run to yell at my therapist.
Okay, this response is getting out of hand. And it’s also starting to sound a lot like a journal entry rather than a response to a very lovely and sweet ask. Let me close with this: I hope to have an update for book 3 soon. I’ve a lovely idea floating about my head…
#drarry#draco x harry#drarry fic#coffeedragon writes#lpk#lpk3#little prince kneel#asks like this make me speechless#and yet a ramble like this#I don’t have the words to articulate how much kindness like this means to me#it makes my whole day
17 notes
·
View notes
Text
Fic Tag Game!
I was tagged by @beri-allen, @writerrose1998, @cosmic-lullaby and @wileyonce. Thanks! <3
20 questions below the cut:
1. How many works do you have on AO3?
16
2. What’s your AO3 word count?
136,228
3. What fandoms do you write for?
Wednesday for now. I used to write for StarWars (see question 12) but no traces remains from that era.
4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?
Woe of Wrath
I'm on my Way
Variations on a Main Theme - 1
A Second Chance for a First Impression
Five Minutes Earlier
5. Do you respond to comments?
As much as possible. Usually I respond to every comment, even if it's just to say a quick Thank You. The only fic on which I haven't done that is Woe of Wrath, if fell into limbo and I have a hard time focusing on it right now. And I feel kind of weird to answer comments after several months of silence, but the more I wait the weirder it gets...
6. What’s the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?
Doomed is a Dead Dove Do Not Eat fic. The entire text is dark, including the ending.
7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?
I will go with Double-Date With Dad.
Farewell Xavier Thorpe ends on a really good note too (if you are not a fan of Xavier).
8. Do you get hate on fics?
It never happened. Fingers crossed.
9. Do you write smut? What kind?
I try. I find it difficult for two reasons. First, it's tough to avoid clichés. When you read smut, you end up noticing some general patterns, and I do my best to stay away from those. Second, I'm not a fan of some popular kinks, for instance I can't stand the expression "good girl", and therefore I'm not interested in writing it, even if I keep reading authors that use them. Some people probably think my smut fics are boring, too soft, too ordinary. But I don't care (yeah, I do, but shh).
10. Do you write cross-overs?
No. And I have a really hard time reading cross-overs too. And I hate cross-overs in tv shows. Complete respect to authors, however. It's just not my thing.
11. Have you ever had a fic translated?
No. I guess I could translate my own fics in French since it's my native language, but for now I don't see any reason to do so.
12. Have you ever co-written a fic before?
A long time ago in a galaxy far far away, I did. It was a weird kind of toxic partnership. The other person was responsible for writing the general plot (because my ideas weren't good enough), and I had to turn every page he wrote into a three-pages long section, adding descriptions and filling the blanks. And correct the spelling and grammar, and add better vocabulary...
13. What WIP would you like to finish but doubt you ever will?
I hope I will finish every WIP I currently have, even if they tend to pile up (WIP bunnies...). My biggest challenge is to go back to Woe of Wrath. It is my first fic, it is a multi-chapter one, and I started to write it just to let the steam out after a twenty-years-long writing hiatus, so the outline was not super clear, there are many plot holes I try to fix, the sentences and vocabulary are bad... I know where I want to take the story and how it ends, but it's hard not to want to start over.
14. What’s your all time favorite ship?
For fanfics I'll say Weyler because it's the only thing I've ever written. Now besides that... For those who read Guy Gavriel Kay, I'm forever bound to the Diarmuid/Sharra ship, followed by Paul/Jaelle. Quite fond of the Clary/Jace ship in The Mortal Instruments (The books! Don't talk to me about the movie or the tv show!)
15. What are your writing strengths?
No damn idea. I've been asking myself the same question since I was thirteen.
16. What are your writing weaknesses?
Probably not being able to answer question 15. Imposter syndrome.
17. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?
In French it's not a problem, of course. I've done it in Impulsion. I have studied Latin for two years in highschool so I felt comfortable enough to translate a few sentences in Woe of Wrath. For other languages, I would only do so if I can find a beta reader fluent in this specific language to correct the grammar. I cringe everytime I read English fics with badly written French dialogs, it makes me loose the focus on the story (Same for tv shows, by the way. Come on, you have 2 millions $ to produce an episode and you can't find someone to double-check your French sentence?). It's really hard for me not to comment with a correction (AO3 etiquette: do not provide corrections unless the author specifically asked for it). I don't want to inflict that on my readers by butchering their native language.
18. First fandom you wrote for?
Star Wars. It was a long time ago (in a galaxy far far away), when there were only three movies and a few books (Timothy Zahn forever!). And for those who wonder how old I am, I used to write with WordPerfect, DOS version (it was the pre-Windows era). It had a blue background (terrible for the eyes) and some keycodes you had to use to change the font to bold or italics. Since you can't visualize anything in DOS (it's not a wysiwyg), it used colors, so you had to remember what it meant (yellow letters meant italics...). And I used to save those texts on a floppy my mom took to her office to print.
19. Favorite fic you’ve ever written?
It's not a popular one, but I really like Monologue for a Hyde. I like the tone. Pretty happy with Fuck Me Once Shame on You, Fuck Me Twice Shame on Me, too.
20. What fic would you want to rewrite one day?
Woe of Wrath without a doubt. With a proper plan, and a lot of plot holes avoided (that damn cellphone...)
I will tag the Death Metal and Glitter Club members whose Tumblr ids I know, aka @anotherbluesunday, @tastethesetears, @darling-gemini, @darlingfuego,
As well as @broken-everlark, @persephoneed, @bithablu, @allergictocolor and @insomniac1994.
15 notes
·
View notes
Note
💖💚for unpopular ask
💖: What is your biggest unpopular opinion about the series?
uhhh I have many. I would say my most unpopular are probably:
I don't care that the show had no big "endgame" ships. I actually appreciated it being left to interpretation on where we want the characters to go. And throwing them into relationships given where they are at in the end wouldn't have made much sense anyway. (beardjane was terrible but i don't count that as a 'big' ship lol. no one was shipping them. TOMATOES!!! -500/10). the show's focus was never romantic relationships to begin with fwiw so it's weird how much people center that in their conclusion about whether the show was good enough.
Ted going home to Henry was also Really Good and the Whole Point/Natural Conclusion of his arc.
I liked that RoyKeeley broke up. Didn't love where they went with it necessarily, and both of their characters deserved to be written soooo much better in s3, but I do think the breakup itself was a Good Thing that Needed to Happen for these characters to progress.
Given the season and events as they are written, I think Keeley is far more likely to get back together with Jamie immediately post finale than she is Roy. (I don't think she should get back together with either of them right away, mind you. My girl needs some time to not exist as part of a relationship, because she has clearly spent most of her life being in relationships and it has caused Problems to her sense of self worth that i am desperate for her to healthily address. And then I would ultimately very much like her to end up with both of them, lol. But I'm just saying finale Keeley totally WOULD get back together with Jamie).
In a very similar vein to all the above, a criticism i see ALL the time that absolutely drives me UP THE WALL is when people claim the writers fell into the ol' GirlBoss Slay trap with Keeley, where in order to make her an Independent Confident Businesswomen™️ they had to remove all romance from her storyline and claim that's why they broke roykeeley up. The writers wrote Keeley very extremely terribly in s3, do not get me wrong. But this argument that writers just hate romance and don't see how a woman can be successful and also be in love (when Rebecca, a very successful businesswoman with a major arc about wanting to find love is their lead female character, mind you), just feels like baseless ragey criticism from people mad about there not being a roykeeley endgame. Look, if that's what the writers were trying to do, they don't even come close to fulfilling the other end of that promise (trading her romance to make her a Caricature Slay Business Woman) because 1. they don't show Keeley becoming independent with her business at all (Rebecca just swoops in and saves the day) 2. they do a very poor job of showing her overcoming imposter syndrome and coming into her own and 3. after the breakup with Roy, they literally show her immediately jumping into another relationship. sooo. I think it's much more likely that the writers were attempting to show Keeley spiraling in the same patterns of self-destructive behavior she exhibited in s1 and s2. rather than attempting to wash away all her flaws I actually think they were trying to highlight and reflect on those flaws. Unfortunately they just did it very, very badly and left out the necessary other half of the arc that makes it compelling and successful: actually giving Keeley the space to recognize and reckon with those flaws. the problem is they too rarely let their own characters talk and have it out in meaningful ways. anyway.
💚: What does everyone else get wrong about your favorite character?
Roy isn't like THAT but he's also not like that. you know. people are always falling in love with completely different made up versions they've got of him and then acting like their Roy is canon Roy. Idk who that guy is but he isn't Roy!!! ughhhhhh. sorry.
5 notes
·
View notes
Note
I don't know if talking about the academic side of things will make it better or worse, but I'm running up against a deadline for an article I'm trying to get submitted and...I guess....any tips for publishing an article? It never feels like it's going to be good enough, or that my writing's good enough alongside established scholars'
Ah, imposter syndrome, constant companion of so many of us in academia! Anyway, yes, I do have tips!
Have a writing group! I have a writing group with friends and sometimes it is more a bitching session than a workshopping session, but it is usually both, and it is very helpful to have historians who know zilch about my own particular subfield asking questions about stuff I'm working on, as well as to have examples of other articles. The cathartic bitching is nice too.
Remember that there's more than one way to be an academic writer. If I say it myself, I have a nice turn of phrase, but I have to really work at organization. None of us are going to be, say, Peter Brown, and that's okay.
Submit the thing. Whatever the anonymous reviewers say, it will be helpful to you as you move forward with the project.
Besides that, as a Heartening Example™, I will mention that, about six months ago, I was asked to review an article for a journal. I basically tore it to shreds. It was extremely interesting, but very poorly organized and frequently unclear. Now I have gotten a much-improved version of the article back to review again, because I checked the little box that said I would. So... the article really doesn't have to be perfect on first try. I once submitted an article where Reviewer 1 said it Moved the Field Forward In Important Ways and Reviewer 2 said that my argument, my scholarship, and my Latin were all equally shoddy, so they had to call in a Reviewer 3 (I revised and resubmitted.) There's never a dull moment!
21 notes
·
View notes
Note
Papyrus
(Is "The Garden" on that playlist?)
papyrus ⇢ if you put your ‘on repeat’ playlist on shuffle, what’s the first song that comes up? what do you like about it / associate it with?
CW: Discussion of severe mental illness and suicide.
I had my "mental illness indie playlist" on and for the record Pills & Good Advice by Left At London (her gosh darn magnum opus to living with a SPMI) is the song that came up.
youtube
This is legitimately one of my favorite songs of all time and helped me a ton during the worst portions of second puberty when our BPD symptoms were off the charts. Left at London does amazing music ranging from talking about the 2020 social unrest which includes the refrain "Fuck you and the slavers that you work for" or finding joy within having a dissociative disorder or the terror of discovering one. As well as one of the most uncomfortably accurate songs about Disorganized/Insecure Attachment in BPD (the Patreon only edit even including a voice mail that ripped my heart to shreds the first time I heard it.) and a break-up song that includes a lyric that takes me out every time I hear it:
And if falling in love is all that it takes
To make you love the world
You’ll be bitter when they go
Because even infinity in its entirety
Still can turn to nothingness
When it's multiplied by zero
But let's talk about the song which actually showed up on my random, Pills & Good Advice.
The song is built upon Nat's experiences from being released from a mental care facility after a suicide attempt and the fear and insecurity of being released into the world with nothing but medication and doctors recommendations to keep her from trying to kill herself again.
On my first day out
My familiar town
Felt the same as in my dreams
Crying in my sleep
When the sun came down
Thinking "I am cured, it seems"
But
I don't know my name at all
But what else is new?
Should I show my pain at all?
If you only knew
You could try to help
Care is imprecise
All that I have left:
Pills and good advice
Each verse of the song fluctuates between moods and depictions of chronic mental illness from the bridge having rapid voices displaying her impulses to experience a high to escape the pain of existing versus the desperate desire to stay the course and get better and mirrored refrains of "Please hold me down" symbolizing both a self-destructive impulse to die and a terror; begging their partner to kill or save her.
The song includes depictions of Identity Disturbance, a BPD symptom where those suffering lack a stable sense of identity and require an external source to mirror and receive acknowledgement from; Nat sings on multiple occasions about not knowing who she is and viewing her support in this crisis as her "mirror". I imagine imposter syndrome for Nat's music/poetry may be invading some lines such as "I'm plagarizing everything, stuttering solioquies (who am I again?)"
The song is set in 3 parts with the third part being a descent where the line (Higher) is repeated after every line and Nat struggles with her suicidal impulses, concluding:
Spend too many of my minutes getting higher (Higher)
I've attempted way too much to even count (Higher)
I've been committed, but committed to the people that I love
And if I try to love myself, I guess that I could live forever crying
Knowing the sickness is a part of her but she doesn't want to die, even if she wants to die; she cares too much about the people in her life (the committed/committed line is actually genius and one of my favorite in all of her discography) and the best thing she can do is commit to loving herself and continuing along with life in spite of the pain inflicted by her illness.
The ending is ambiguous to my ears and /@/ isn't popular enough for me to see a lot of discussion on interpretations.
But on my last day out
Let me scream to God,
Family, friends, and enemies
"So what happens next?
Is this what you want?
All I am is dead to me"
So
I can't hear my voice at all
What was I to do?
Did I have a choice at all?
Seems I never do
You could try to help
Care is imprecise
All that I'd have left:
Pills and good advice
I could try to heal
Care is imprecise
All that you'd have left:
Pills and good advice
On one hand, I view the song as a positive rally into accepting that SPMI are as the letters describe "Severe Persistent Mental Illness", fuck knows I've lived with the weight of those letters on my medical records. It doesn't go away. You just have to learn to live with it. To enjoy the joys before the despairs.
I chose to believe those last lines are saying that other people could try to help but in the end all the sufferer has is medication and therapy techniques, change must come from within and that to live with someone who suffers will cause pain too and all the person helping can do is receive the same level in care in return.
"You could try to help" vs "I could try to heal" with all that I/you having left being Pills and Good Advice.
But in my darker days I focus on the "on my last day out" and how the singer bemoans never really having a choice and all their work in staying clean being for nothing. In that read, I worry that the final lines are the singer giving in to their symptoms and attempting to kill themselves again, with the final line being less of a "we can get better together" and more of a "I know this will hurt you, have you considered seeking psychological help?"
I prefer my positive spin on it but that may be optimism winning out.
Either way, the song is fantastic and deeply personal in a way I almost feel like I'm intruding to hear at times.
Suicide is a topic of massive importance to me; it is also my number one emotional trigger. For the past few months I've had a draft I've been toying on about how I feel it should be discussed and ironically I am terrified to post it because of how sensitive the topic is. It's really hard to put yourself out there.
I admire this work of art because it really tries its absolute hardest to share a perspective of what it's like to be living with these conditions and feeling like no matter how much you reach out to other people, they can't truly help in the ways that you need. It's a song about terror, it's a song about healing and my god I hope it's a song about growth.
But it may just be a song about cycles.
#camden asks#ask meme#bpd#did#watch me post my trauma in public#albeit this isn't my trauma this time#but I do like it when art is made from places like this#I may very well be wrong about everything I have written here#and given the artist is small enough that she has a limited Tumblr presence#I hope this post never reaches her eyes#I'd die instantly if I misinterpreted a work of art in front of its creator
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
Fic writer tag
@silenthillmutual tagged me in this challenge. Cheers! Here are my answers:
1. How many works do you have on AO3?
Not counting orphaned / anonymous works, I have 48 fics across both accounts
2. What is your AO3 wordcount?
168,810 (sum total of both accounts)
3. What fandoms do you write for?
DC comics & related media; Death Note; Black Mirror: Bandersnatch (way way back); Noragami (also way way back).
I used to write RPF too (I was a teenager, of course I did) but I've scrubbed all that from my ao3 profiles.
4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?
top 5 fics not including anonymous ones:
Old aches become new again (DCU | Jason & Dick shenanigans, background Jay/Roy/Kori)
Imposter Syndrome (DCU | JayRoy)
Growing Pains (DCU × The Lego Batman Movie | Dick & Batdad gen fic)
if you can't summon your own tentacles, store-bought is fine (DCU | JayRoy)
the hands that worship you (Black Mirror: Bandersnatch | Colin/Stefan)
5. Do you respond to comments?
Always! It might take days weeks or months depending on what I have going on in my life but yeah :) unless it's a hate comment or bad faith criticisms. Oh and comments asking questions that I've already answered in the author's notes or in other comments or in the text itself (which yes, has happened before. I guess it was good for ""engagement "" but it's not stuff I want to explain again and again like a broken record. I'm not paid to do that - unlike at my day job.......)
6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?
🤡 I've written my fair share of dark fics so it's definitely one of those ones. You can DM me if you wanna know but I am not telling on myself here
7. What is the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?
Growing Pains, no contest, because it ends with trans acceptance 💚
But I also think happy endings at the end of a high stakes fic are even more rewarding? In which case it would have to be This Mirror Ain't Big Enough For the Two of Us
8. Do you get hate on fics?
I have, once, on a genderbend fic. Some guy was outraged I made Jason a girl lol. But hate comments are few and far between for me because I'm not a bnf by any means
9. Do you write smut? If so, which kind?
Yeah. I write a lot of pwps because they're easy. From there I either go into pwp with feelings territory, crack territory or, well, if it's a dark fic...........one of my longest nsfw fics is a Jason Todd/Scarecrow fic. You get the picture. (That one isn't without plot though.)
10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest crossover you’ve ever written?
Man. I actually once wrote a YouTube RPF x Death Note crossover. iykyk. But out of my surviving fics the only crossover that I still have posted online is a Death Note x DC fic.
11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?
Not as far as I know
12. Have you ever had a fic translated?
I've translated other people's fics, but I don't think I've had mine translated by others
13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?
Yes but that's from before my ao3 days
14. What’s your all-time favorite ship?
Rem x Misa (Death Note). I go through phases of shipping different pairings but Rem x Misa is the one that I can always come back to and write stuff for / look at art about.
15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?
My Teen Titans Dark Academia au. And on that note: I don't even know if I'll have the time to come back to writing long fics period. It's been 8 months since I last worked on my Jaime (Blue Beetle)/Eddie (Kid Devil)/Rose Wilson/Traci 13 road trip & interdimensional travel fic...........
16. What are your writing strengths?
My prose when I'm in the mood to write well. Poetry is my main medium these days so I'm very good at throwing in lots of one liners into my prose too.
17. What are your writing weaknesses?
Trying to pace my story beats and juggle multiple subplots once my projects get into 10K+ / long fic territory.
18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?
As long as the author actually knows what they're doing. The language has to be authentic and not Google Translate gibberish. And then for accessibility's sake they should include the translation either in-text or in the end notes.
19. First fandom you wrote for?
YouTube RPF 😑
20. Favorite fic you’ve written?
It's a tie between:
And the encore lasts forever (DCU x Titans TV | trans!Jason/Rose)
Exit Strategy (DCU | Rose Wilson character study)
Tagging @kiseiakhun @thenaphorism @shhhenanigans @smagata @reaperlight @mihaelkeehl or any mutuals who post fics!
5 notes
·
View notes
Note
is this a safe place to hate k4veh and k4vetham. Its so funny that his fans act like hes the most well written character in the game when hes just a guy with imposter syndrome and mommy issues that got scammed. funny of them also to act like nilou didnt do anything in the story like i think nilou is boring as fuck but at least she paid an important role on the first and last arcs, all kaveh did was argue with alhaitham at the end for 2 minutes for #fujopoints and thats it. also congrats to hkv for being the first gay ship to be implied but they feel sooooo forced bc u can tell hoyoverse is only good at writting yuri bc of past experience
I didn't even know that people were trying to argue about nilou too, you're bringing me discourse the likes of which i cannot even imagine. Like i cannot bring myself to get invested in nilou just because she's boring but objectively she's far more plot relevant than kaveh like bro we were trapped in her dream world for like an entire arc.
In all seriousness though, i don't want to be too much of a bitch because i do have mutuals who like kaveh/kavetham in a normal people manner so this is all about a specific chunk of the fanbase, i'm not making blanket statements like mewchies if you're reading this it's not about you i literally just have seen Things against my will on twitter and want to bitch about it + i'm adding a readmore cause this is becoming long
I don't even think it's like. An issue that's specific to the characters or the pairing. In a vacuum i would have probably felt entirely neutral about kaveh because he's not even an unlikeable character. If i lived in a cave and played the game without knowing what anyone else is doing in another lifetime maybe i would have even liked him. I don't harbor negative feelings towards the people who can be normal about liking a character but the thing is that he is literally just some guy. Like his Thing is that he's just some dude who's in his 30s and is kind hearted to a fault cause then he always gets scammed which in itself is like. A pretty funny/endearing character concept in itself. And i know that him being Just Some Guy makes him relatable to all manner of tormented young adults who are also Just Some Guy as well which is FINE. I get it. We are all some guy deep down. But what bothers me is that . A certain side of the fanbase wants him to be kaeya so fucking bad and will project conflicts onto kaveh that are literally just kaeya's and it's like. I will kill you with a rock. They have very similar conflicts except for the fact that kaveh's are repackaged to be about more mundane things compared to kaeya's and it's so... Kaeya has been there doing all that 3 years before kaveh was even a twinkle in the hoyoverse devs' eye . If you're a kaveh fan you better only ever say nice things about kaeya or i will strangle you.
My OTHER grievance with kaveh fujos which are really NOT even always the same category as the fans doing what i just mentioned is that . They draw him and write him like a cishet woman on the verge of a divorce i don't know how else to explain like i feel like people brought back the insane super masc muscled seme x skinny malnourished frail and womanly uke with an inexplicably fat ass trend from older yaoi full force for these two in a way that i hadn't seen since like 2012 it's so sickening not even in a funny way not even just redesigning him to have different body proportions from the standard twink model like that's good end encouraged but NO they're just literally making him as frail and womanly and vitamins deficient looking as possible and then giving him a scary waist to hips ratio like ENOUGH. ENOUGJ that man has no ass HE HAS NO ASS HE'S SHAPED LIKE A BOOKMARK❗❗
4 notes
·
View notes
Note
like and when people get mad at the valid criticisms of her. it's like, I'm sorry the character you created is not the one in the show?? she doesn't have enough/anything that makes her likable enough to outweigh the things in canon that make her unlikable! like no thanks!
"she's just the vessel for the writers shitty idea of what a strong woman looks like" soo true though. every attempt falls flat, or upholds stereotypes and her inability to look outside her own experiences
the fucksibdjdjfkdkg "my friends call me jj. you're not my friend you can call me jennifer"
its so fucking elementary afsgdghdjfh 9 year olds say worse to each other. it's not the slay moment everyone thinks it is
one instance in particular i can't stand is in s3ep14, they're at that carnival for rossi's case, and derek says "I can't believe people waste good money on these fixed games" and girlboss jj says "men" "its not people it's men" "only a man would waste $50 trying to win that $3 stuffed animal"
and just. parents. parents bring their kids to carnivals all the time. to have fun and win shitty prizes. oh but I forgot she wasn't a mom yet, so that wasn't her entire personality. I don't know. for me it just never hits as the girlboss moment every one thinks it is. but go off I guess afsghdhfkh
I've fallen out of it with cm a little lately, but unfortunately it will always have some hold on my soul lmao, and I got caught up in reading through your takes, and truly, this show fucking sucks, but analyzing it can be sO fun and you drop nothing but bangers. it reminded me in a way why I like this god awful show in the first place afgsgrhfjfjgshf
like if anyone gave me a single solid reason to like her character at all i might give her a chance. but i’ve been watching cm for a decade, and kept a finger on the pulse of the fandom for half that. so far ive heard absolutely no legitimate thing to like about her
even fanon jj falls flat for me? she’s so one dimensional and they never address any of her flaws. people either make her the target of emily’s infatuation (which is so fucked up on so many levels?? as if we need any more of the aggressive/obsessive lesbian stereotype) or they keep her as the mom of the group and leave it at that. absolutely NO nuance!! im convinced its bc they know we’re right… actually giving her a personality would mean acknowledging how insufferable she us
imo the best thing you can do with her character is actually talk about her internal conflicts. she’s got massive imposter syndrome and she takes it out on everyone!! thats interesting at least!! lets talk about that!! but nooo bc that would mean admitting everyones favorite blonde haired blue eyes beauty makes mistakes
god ur so right in that aaaaaall her girlboss moments are just so pathetic. i love to tear those moments to pieces because its just so fucking easy. clearly shitty attempts at the writers thinking theyre saying something clever or profound. it scares me how frequently the fandom falls for it. like. develop some critical thinking skills pls i am begging
im also well out of my cm phase, but its still so deeply engrained that even when i havent watched an ep in months, my opinions are as strong as ever especially since theyre always so correct. but yeah there’s something so special about cm? i think its all the half-suggested hints at something deeper that gives us a chance to try and build on it. but its also so casually entertaining that its also nice to just have on in the background. criminal minds is as good as you make it, ig
#akdhakdh i always sound like such a pompous asshole when talking ab criminal minds#i swear im not this confident irl#but… i mean what r u gonna do?? tell me im WRONG?? please#asks#cm crit#anti jj#imagine if we could all come together and give jj the character development she deserves by acknowledging her flaws and having her grow#instead of doing what she does: pretend she’s right all the time
17 notes
·
View notes
Text
As 2022 comes to a close I'm starting to look back and reflect on the past few years, something I haven't really done much in the past. Now I will for anyone who is willing to listen. You don't know me, I probably don't know you very well, but I invite you to do the same.
2020: The Year of Pain
An edgy start I know but a lot happened in this year. Fear in many flavors, opportunities closed, regression we're all themes of the year. For me personally nothing terribly tragic happened. I most likely had COVID and gave it to my whole studio in the beginning of January before I even heard of it (parents friends who had a business trip to china got a weird illness and it just worked it's way as it does). A hiring freeze locked me out of an opportunity with a university conservatory that I was extremely excited for. I felt lonely without my friends. Besides COVID I was consistently stressed about future graduation and career choices. It's a year that went so slow yet now I forget most of it.
2021: The Year of Transition
I went through 3 major transitions in my life during this year: graduated college, started a salaried job, socially and medically transitioned. Way more than I expected and probably more than I could handle. It's weird now that I think about it how much actually happened. The imposter syndrome took a lot of the good out of those accomplishments at the time but now I am starting to see it. I also will flex here because it wasn't really recognized but I was valedictorian of my college. My class rank was 1 out of not just the major/department I was in but also the entirety of the NCState class of 2021. Like 1/6000 people. I don't tell that to anyone really cuz I don't want to be a bragging asshole but I worked really hard for it so I'll flex in front of internet strangers who don't know me.
2022: The Year of Change
Not a lot of "things" happened this year like last year but I finally had enough time to actually sit down and reflect on things because of things slowing down a bit. I worked with a therapist for a few sessions. I started listening to Healthy gamer gg stuff and started thinking about my mental health as something that was a part of me rather than something to solve. My outlook changed. I can safely say that I am 1000% better with being comfortable with myself than I was before. Anxiety attacks over things went from being dissociative and lasting for weeks to being something manageable. It's nothing I ever thought would ever happen. I think the biggest thing that kick-started my change was to give things the benefit of the doubt and try them. I used to fight meditation saying it was something that wouldn't work for me cuz I'm too in my head until I just said you know what let's try. What's gonna happen it won't work and I waste an hour. So I did and now its one of the most influential things of my life.
2023: The Year of Forgiveness
This upcoming year I'd like to focus on letting myself live with mistakes I've made in the past and let go of some deep shame I have. I was dumb and while I never did anything like commit a violent crime against anyone I still feel like I caused a lot of emotional damage like bullying people in middle school and being critical to my friends. It's all stuff that I've either worked though, became aware, and changed. Of course I don't want to just toss it aside like it didn't happen but I want to recognize that while it was something I did it's also something that I can forgive myself for and move past as a better person.
This might change and who knows it might be another year of pain. Could be anything tbh. I'm open to it.
I wish anyone who reads this an insightful new year. Thinking and analyzing the past can be helpful to some. Tho if you have issues with deep and intense trauma I recommend you talk to professionals first. Exploring the past can cause things I think and make things worse when there is trauma.
3 notes
·
View notes
Note
Hi Nova!
I will go to another country for education, I will leave home soon and I started to get anxious about so many things and now some of them include stuff that I went through in the past and made school harder for me. I think I'm extra excited because I will be a foreigner and my identity crisis doesn't help at all. Also thanks to imposter syndrome I'm so scared to not to be good enough. Do you or anybody else have any advice? I was so calm until like last week. But now I'm freaking out. I always find something to be anxious about and idk what my problem is 😭
Sorry for bothering you with this
you're not bothering me!
i mean you've heard this way too much and as someone who was also frightened by their first day, i can highly relate, but you will be fine! you absolutely are good enough. try and focus a lot on your breathing if you feel really anxious. being anxious is normal and it probably won't completely go away until that very day, but as someone who has anxiety I'm sure you know that things oftentimes end up bein g better than expected :)))i
this is really big and i'm so excited for you! i wish you all the best and that everything will work out amazingly <3 best of luck !!!
also check comments, incase someone adds sth ! <3
11 notes
·
View notes
Text
hello. it's been a while. i'm not sure how many of my old tumblr sweeties see this... bc it's been a good long while. how are you people? the new and the old friends? i hope things are going well at your end :)
well, things have changed greatly at my end. i've been facing some very difficult issues, battles that i could once fight on my own but now have become so overwhelming that it's now affecting me significantly in worse ways than before.
it's been a year at uni. it was good, could've been better found new fields of interest! i've taken a great interest in coding. will start Julia this summer. have quite a big summer to-do; might seem (very) ambitious but i'm determined. let's see how it goes.
have been facing a bit of a struggle at uni in other aspects. i'm struggling to handle the toxicity around me there in my peer group. i've tried to distance myself, but it seems like they only try to pull me under. and it's incredubly difficult. i do not know how to deal with this. have been having heavy imposter syndrome, existential & identity crises. have been also having serious doubts if my imposter syndrome is real. do I truly have the syndrome? or am i actually an imposter? how do i know? i've been getting frequent anxiety attacks of sorts while thinking abt choosing my pre-majors. need to choose 2 among my 3 most beloved; math, phy and bio. and have also been heavily questioning my aptitude for them, as of recently. am i really good enough for math? i am yet to see the abstract beauty that it is, but am i good enough for it? or am i too stupid for it? too dumb for it? or am i good enough for it? for physics? i love them so much. but am i smart enough for them? am i good enough? have been, up until now. but how abt in the next sem? will i still be good at it? or am i not as good at it, as naturally good at it, like the others in my batch? my grades say that yes i'm good, yes i can do it, but am i really? can i really? i no longer know. and i often cry thinking abt it. it's like homelessness. math and phy felt like home and now i feel like someone else has moved in saying my home's no longer mine. i don't know. none of it makes sense. can no longer tell if it's all in my head. have no external, objective brain to tell me if it's in my head or not. i also don't have any genuinely good friends at uni, my parents are more distressing than helpful. it's so difficult, so hard, so draining. it's so fucking hard to go through all this on my own. and it's been like this all along, i've only been on my own. then why is this still so difficult? why am I still getting tired? i don't know. i wish i did.
i want to, need to get stronger for myself. i'll walk through this and not around. i'll make it through; get out stronger. i hope so.
i hope y'all are doing well. and if not, i wish you the same as i wish for myself. we'll get through this. and if you don't believe it yet, tell that to yourself as many times it takes to truly believe it. then make it happen. i wish you only the best.
0 notes
Last Seen Blogs
cross-winds12
Psyche
frombrain
From Brain
nyxdimandis
UNREMARKABLE LOSER BACK FROM FUCKING OFF
spooky-activity
Black Lives Matter
richjong-blog
제목 없음