#3) the thought of someone confronting me about it makes me so fucking anxious
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hey what. what if. what if ken. what if ken was one of my f/os
#yea i mean the ryan gosling one#idk#perhaps i am madly in love with him#i go off in the tags on something completely unrelated. sorry#i got yelled at for stuttering today#so. that was cute#also#one of my f/os is from hp and idk whether or not i should add him to the list i have#bc 1) a lot of people hate him#2) i dont want people to think i support jkr in any way#3) the thought of someone confronting me about it makes me so fucking anxious#yes i am trans#yes i still enjoy hp fan content#idk i always feel like i have to justify myself to people and i dont have the energy for it#can you tell im conflict averse lmao#blegh idk
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Mars/mars pc astro observations bc yes
jjk
*birth chart + tropical
I’ve noticed you can spend more time with people who have the same sign mars as you or you can feel more comfortable, daah.
mars trine saturn are so fucking loyal to what they’re archiving, they take their time, they could be fucked up on following other things but when they have something in mind, they’ll do it.
scorpio mars could be synonym of transformation, sadly this people could have had a special person in their life who was going through a rough time and they were by their side, scorpio mars not knowing what to do with all that amount of energy, feeling guilty and desperate. they could have been used to an anxious environment.
aquarius mars stop being so concerned and furious when you don’t understand others behavior, not everything is logic. I get it, you’re aware of how people act and how things work but that doesn’t mean you have to act like that to feel accepted -don’t take this seriously-. also, you look cute when you’re feeling yourself💋🎀
6H mars ik it’s daily for you, being mad and everyone noticing but you, or you’re not mad and everyone thinks you are? don’t get mad if I don’t left something you let me in the same way you gave it to me!! -exaggeratedly-. Don’t get mad if we’re not as organized as you!! don’t put your energy on those things, being mad on little details
mars at 5°, 17° or 29° (leo degree) STOP WITH THE PRIDEFUL ATTITUDE, you can’t even apologize wisely
mars at 9° or 21° (sagittarius degree) YOU CAN’T TAKE THINGS SERIOUSLY when they’re confronting your unserious attitude or EVER. you look like a little kid trying to scape, STOP. “You thought..”, then look at the consequences. too chill for my patience. -thinking of someone while typing-
3H mars why do they have to have the same taste in music as you so you’ll immediately find them attractive? or them having the same interests as you -same favorite movie, series, etc-. also they could be dorks 🤓☝️
mars opposition jupiter makes people who have this aspect feeling they’re stuck on their process of their goal/dream, they could feel they’re constantly in the process and not identifying their progress or the positive aspects. they could feel really insecure/have a low self stem, comparing themselves with others. they could be seem as too idealistic.
when you’re mad with libra mars they can have a “I did nothing incorrect/wrong” attitude, they could even ask “when did I did that? Prove it”, like you remember every detail like them 😒
8H mars are MOODY, they have to do what they want and often base their decisions on how they feel. they don’t force things, they do how they feel. when they were children, they could have been seen as aggressive or unstoppable? unpredictable
sun square mars screams issues with your dad or the opinion of your dad and how he does things has/have had a lot of impact on your life and identity, way of proceeding. impulsive and gets excited like a kid when you give them a candy, oh but when you take it away…RUN.
as a mars at 10° or 22° (capricorn degree), yes I feel the need to be in charge -boss around-, I’m learning to not want/understand I don’t have to be in control every fucking time 😏 In every aspect. 
I’m still thinking virgo mars is the most resentful of all of them. they’ll do ANYTHING to protect their loved ones, they do everything they can to try to understand them, they’re so DEDICATED. it’s an honor to be one of their few special persons.
mars at 3°, 15° or 27° (gemini degree) LOVES, NEEDS to receive affirmations about how good they’re, in bed. a “I love your ass” will be a motivation to do more things…again, if it’s not in bed, they need to know how they’re doing things, they need communication to feel secure or that they’re doing it good.
mars persona chart*
gemini 5H in mars persona chart indicates is fucking hilarious/fun for you to tease people. how, when and what you talk, you do it on purpose, to see how far someone patience can last or to analyze their reactions. in every aspect. you can have a way with words that helps you to initiate things easily in bed.
cancer 6H in mars pc can mean you have to feel you like the sport you’re about to do to actually have motivation and be constant with it. for example, I started going to gym bc a friend was practically asking every day if I could be her gym partner, I didn’t want to and when I finally went was bc principally she was gonna be there, I emphasize with her and had to do something for my mental health -everyone was mentioning I had to-, not bc I like to do sport? Or going to the gym? I like how I’m feeling?😭 idk how to explain it.
aries venus in mars pc yes we know people who are horny makes you horny. you love how focused are on their life and how much they think on what they can do next, that they’re not wasting their time. it makes you wet 😝 that they get mad over little things and that they’re direct and a little idiots to process things.
taurus mercury in mars pc are so possessive, they want to know if you’re about to come and to affirm it, to tell them they made you feel so good to then choke you. they want proves on how good they’re doing it and how they can be better.
cancer mars in mars pc can be turned on whatever has to do with a mother figure 😭 or what’s seen as feminine? But more on a mother way. for example, if someone is taking care of them unconditionally and has this cancer aspect -big boobs, round face, innocent eyes- they’ll imagine being taken care in another way later
mars-uranus aspects in mars pc is attracted/turned on to people who are rejected by society, someone who is seemed as rebel or does change. not necessarily they have to be part of a social movement but since little details. for example, what’s rejected by conservative people, piercings 😝 an unique way of standing for themselves, etc.
neptune 1H in mars pc: you feel yourself with the unexpected. you even get horny?😭 your personality could be even unexpected.
♡ Based on personal experience and what I’ve analyzed in my surroundings.
♡ English is not my first language.
♡ I’m not a profesional astrologer.
Thank youu. baibaiii🫣🫶🏼💋
Do not copy. Please give me credits
#persona chart observations#persona#astrology#astrology degrees#birth chart#mars observations#mars persona chart#mars#pinterest#astro posts#astro placements#astro notes#jjk#persona chart
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Hey, anon who asked if I could go off about the current Moon situation here. Sorry I'm late, the ADHD struck and I completely forgot I sent that ask lol.
Anywho! I saw a post about how Moon's behavior in the episode where BloodMoon dies (y'know, where he confronts Sun after the barrel goes off?) was "guilt tripping" and "unnecessarily pressuring" and I just. *Yells of frustration*
He was so obviously just trying to comfort his brother who was clearly shook up! He could see that his brother was distressed and had been declining for some time now and wanted to let him know that he was there if need be. If anything, a little pressuring was warranted considering that Sun was clearly not ok and, y'know, just fucking killed someone.
Oh! And that's another thing! Moon at the time of the episode doesn't fucking know that! He doesn't know that Sun's true reason for being shaken was because he just committed a murder. What in the fuck would he be "guilt tripping" Sun for?
The post also brought up a bunch of other points, but I genuinely don't know where they came from or what episodes they were getting the behavior examples from because I honestly don't see any of it, at least not to the extent the poster did.
It frustrates me because the moment they did point out was one of Moon's best brotherly moments in the show, and they're trying to use it against him.
These characters are not black and white, good versus evil, they're people, with nuance, who won't always react in the best manner, and who won't always be the best people. I'm not saying Moon is perfect or free of fault, boyo definitely has some issues and stuff he needs to work on, but this villainization shit is really getting on my nerves.
Why don't we focus on the actual antagonist (key word: antagonist, not villain (though he very much would fit that definition too, saying he was a villain would undermine the statement I made not 2 seconds ago)) of this story, eh? You know, the person who planted a fucking bomb in Lunar's head? To get an overpowered star so he could do only god knows what with it? Seems to make a lot more sense to go after him than one of the protagonists.
Oof, sorry that was so long TvT. I really wanted to get that off of my chest but I'm too scared to make a public post. Thank you for listening!
(P.S, none of the anger or frustration in this is directed at you. You are very much not who I'm upset with and I appreciate you giving me a place to talk about it. /g)
First off I actually enjoy that you took the time to make this so long and detailed. Cannot express that enough. More people need to take time out of their days to see the full points being written, not just the TLDR.
secondly, completely agree with your statements here. I'm been holding my tongue on the whole Moon villization thing for a while but recent stuff just broke that dam. They often blame Moon for Sun's own wrong doings and try and say that Moon is at fault when he's not.
The whole garbage chocolate situation perfectly showed what I mean when the fandom likes to make Moon out to be the worst character.
(Yes I did see their response to my own post, I will not get into it but I still do not agree with how they see Moon but they can keep their opinion and I'll keep mine)
Thirdly, I've seen people say the same thing as you and I am glad I could be that voice for you guys too scared or anxious to get your thoughts out there. This fandom needs to work on respecting opinions, you're allowed to share your thoughts, no matter if people agree or disagree. Don't let others push you around <3
1 thing I've recently had in mind about this whole thing is I don't think a lot of people truly understand when Moon means he doesn't understand how to comfort. He's not a very social person and to expect him and Sun to know what to do despite these very obvious traits is missing the entire point of it all.
The Sun and Moon channel is, although not 100% correct, shows a lot about mental health and the effects it has on people. Basically all the character have depression, from Moon who openly hates himself to Sun constantly doubting himself. Another big one that comes to mind is ADHD and Autism represiation in the show (Although this is more so headcannon) with how Lunar and Moon struggle with social cues and their tones being flat while Sun and Monty have a lot of energy and is easily distracted.
In the end I think the fandom just needs to take more time in seeing the full characters, not just 1 trait. Hell like you said, all the characters are in a grey area, even the main bad guy Eclipse. I could make a whole argument that he's in just as much pain as Sun and Moon is. Does that make his actions okay? Hell no, but these characters have a lot more depth then what most people see
#You're all good haha#I've been excitedly waiting for your response since I was really curious#SAMS Thoughts#SAMS#TSAMS#The Sun and Moon Show#Howls from the Abyss
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What abt Zack Fair 🧡💙☘️ (I'm biased he was my fav when I was more into ff)
*squeals* I'm so glad to hear that because honestly, I adore him so much, and he makes me wish I'd gotten into FF7 much earlier.
🧡 Do you have anything in common with them? - We both have blue eyes? jkjkjk okay, some things, definitely. We're both stubborn and can get quite temperamental at times. We have the attention span of a goldfish at the worst possible times (xD), and struggle to stay rational and patient when we get excited or anxious about something. We're generally friendly and try to get along with everyone, but that doesn't mean we'll back down from confrontations if such should occur (Zack's way worse though; I'm more like Cloud (though come to think of it, that's hardly any better jkfjkf)). Oh, and we both like motorcycles? Oh yeah! Really wish I knew how to ride one *dreamy eyes*.
💙 What's a popular headcanon for them that you adore? - That he's bi, has puppy brain, and he's so adorable that even the 'mighty Sephiroth' might've had a (secret) crush? I also really love the idea of Zack making a wonderful boyfriend to (someone) and, possibly, one day becoming a great dad as well *sobs*. Anyway~~~
☘️ Would you trust them with your life? - Honestly, I go back and forth about this. :D Like, the 3/4 of me wants to say yes because he's strong, a skilled warrior, he's brave, has a good heart, and he would do anything to keep you safe—no matter what happens to him. I mean he managed to take care of Cloud for months and keep him safe, so that counts for something, right?
On the other hand, that 1/4 of me—the rational part of me—says absolutely fucking not because this asshole right here has virtually no sense of self-preservation whatsoever. :'D Should he manage to keep us both safe long enough for us to make it to safety, I doubt I'd still get any sleep at night because I'd end up worrying too much because he attracts trouble like no other, and he dives right into trouble with his heart first and head second, no thoughts, brain empty and- Honey. Listen. I love you, you're precious, I'd die for you and all that shit, but no.
*cries*
So, I think my answer here is... I'd probably trust him. Half the time, at least. But with extreme caution. And I'd keep him on a leash, just in case :D No facing the troops alone in the desert, you hear me?
—
blorbo ask game
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alright, losing my mind about october 3rd in my persona 5 royal replay in 3, 2, 1, go!
first off, this whole thing SUCKS. hearing the vice principle talk about a dead girl and her grieving sister as "wastes of effort" is so infuriating i don't have the words. why is this school the absolute worst (but also why isn't is further out of the realm of possibility)
but onto the important bits that i missed my first run through:
starting off strong is this tasty piece of dialogue, bc that's the problem, isn't it? sumire *isn't* kasumi, even when she thinks she is. she's still anxious and unsure, still unsatisfied with herself to the point of having significant mental health issues (though sumire-as-kasumi is headed towards perfection-seeking overworked burnout, instead of her more typical major depression).
side note: the fact that maruki insists she's better off like this really shows that he thinks about pain and trauma very... shallowly? i guess would be the word? it's very surface level, instant gratification stuff. is she less actively suicidal? yeah! is she actually better? of course not! bc she is *still sumire* and still has those thought patterns and instincts that lead her to that mindset, but instead of having the tools to deal with those thoughts in a healthy manner she has an "i'm happy and perfect :)" mask that she feels she has to live up to. repression isn't healing. maruki do your fucking job challenge.
anyway.
so we get the keywords from her pep talk and a random couple, get sucked into the palace, and hunt her down to find her confronting what you THINK is her dead sister your first run, but is pretty obviously sumire herself on repeat plays:
this dialogue didn't make a lot of sense to me my first run, to the point i forgot it was there, but DAMN does it hit this time. her guilt over her sister's death, her complete inability to face it, is VERY apparent. sumire gets so upset over seeing maruki's cognitive version of her, and you really get the impression that she's not even sure *why* she's so upset. sure, it's her dead "sister", but we've already seen her brush that off pretty easily the first time we went to odiba. and given the headache she gets right after, it's pretty clear the real sumire is close to breaking out of the kasumi mask.
and when the shadow attacks the cognitive sumire, she goes down easy.
which is indicative of something maruki says in the third semester: that he thinks sumire is TOO WEAK to handle her own trauma. that the only way she can live at all, much less happily, is by being someone else entirely. that sumire *doesn't even deserve a chance to try*.
... this is NOT the post for my rant about maruki's god complex and how it undermines any "help" he's supposedly trying to offer, but these images are here just so you know it exists
luckily, sumire is able to fight back:
and i do think this is elements of the actual sumire coming through! i'm not sure if sumire's idealized version of kasumi would be fazed enough by criticism to get angry about it. and we know their promise to each other about gymnastics is important to sumire, especially as the only sister left to fill it. if i'm remembering her third semester confidant stuff right, it seems to be one of the few totally positive memories she has of her sister, even with how much pain constantly being compared to kasumi in gymnastics has brought her.
and these pieces of sumire breaking through the brainwashing are probably why she's able to awaken to a persona, even though she literally has no idea who she actually is (and thus shouldn't be able to confront her true self and get one). ESPECIALLY since her persona references the fact that she's not herself!
i did not manage to grab "if those really are the shoes you've chosen..." but that also applies, as does the fact that her hair comes down for her transformation (the way sumire wears it, instead of kasumi's ponytail) but is put back up by the end.
this got, uh. long. but the point is i love her dearly and maruki can go fuck himself.
#quinn (re)plays p5r#this took longer than i expected it to whoops!#but here's my thoughts#it's a much better twist than i think i gave the game credit for initially? well foreshadowed and executed#this isn't even everything i wanted to say i just want to be done with the post#sumire yoshizawa#p5r#p5
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4/19/23
I have had this thing lately (the past few years) where I will write paragraphs and paragraphs - reddit comments, replies or whatever the fuck they call them on here, shit like that - and... my process, when I'm not doing stream of consciousness like this, is to proofread... and then add more... and then proofread... and then add more. And it turns into a fucking like 3 hour ordeal and like 2.5 pages of commentary. And then... I usually delete it. I usually go... "someone is just going to write one fucking typo riddled autocorrected sentence and pick a fucking fight with me without even reading what I said, its not even goddamn worth it." And, unfortunately, enough goddamn times... that's been correct. Enough for compulsively deleting draft after draft and then never posting anything to become an engrained habit. Thanks a lot, Reddit. Really appreciate it.
I'm typing this because I spent the last hour and a half drafting a reply I was writing on someone else's journal on here. Tumblr limits your reply length, so... I just... kept rewriting and rephrasing, trying to optimize the space and communicate all the thoughts I had. And... I couldn't. And by the end, I was just worried that... I was just worried that me commenting on the journal would just kinda upset her or make her anxious, so I backed off. I feel bad. It's my problem, my anxiety, and I really just wanted to reassure her that like... it's not her fault. I just really wanted to be the reassuring, kind, pat-on-the-back voice for someone that I have needed so many times in identical situations to what she's going through. So, if she's reading this... you didn't do anything wrong. He needs to work with someone to manage his emotions. Therapy would be good, or a good friend. But he needs to seek that out, and he really should be communicating better with you, and it's super not fair that he's blaming your actions for him reliving his past pain. Those two things are tangentially related, not directly, and that is very often confused by a shocking number of people. If an individual chooses to avoid their triggers and not deal with the emotions, that's their own choice to make, but the second they start going around policing the innocent behaviors of others? And blaming their actions for the tangential pain it caused them? That's... that's not fuckin healthy, dogg. That's nooot gooooood.
And... I suck at confrontation and setting boundaries... so... I really don't know how to give advice for that. What I would try if I had a girlfriend who was dealing with this... would be to say:
"Look, I know the location brings up bad memories. I would never pressure you to go there yourself. But our friends are insisting I go because it's like... a tradition kinda thing... so how about when I go to that, you do something special for yourself, something fun that you look forward to, special 'you-time' kinda shit. Treat yo self. Then, when I get home, we can do something fun together, or if you need to process and work through any emotions or memories that might've come up and need someone to commiserate on how much of a piece of shit those people were to you and how it still hurts, I've got your back."
That's how I would deal with it. And if they still blamed me after that and told me I was not allowed to go to that location because me going to that location was "causing them pain"... and that meant I was causing them pain? I would strongly consider leaving the relationship. At very least setting a huge bold neon boundary there and let them know that attempting to control my behaviors as a way of avoiding processing their own feelings... is... not on the table.
Sorry for the... bit of a context-less tangent there. It was a very relatable situation for me. From both sides, unfortunately. I have always been intensely emotional, and I have not always been as... skillful... as I am now. It has been years and years and years of grueling, intense work. But I can really say, the work does pay off.
Today, I woke up after 4 hours of sleep. My upstairs neighbor was listening to action movies at a decently high volume at 10AM like right the fuck above my bed. And again, I ran into the same night-shift insomniac quandary I have run into my entire adult life. When you go to bed at 5 AM, regardless of whether it's a work-related, mental health-related or biophysical-related cause for that circadian rhythm... you can reliably expect for people to NOT be compassionate towards your desire for a quiet sleeping environment before noon. I have run into this many times over the past 5 years. Blasting explosions and gunfire and muffled screaming above the bedroom of an insomniac with PTSD - who wakes up wide-eyed, heart racing, still clutching the staff they went to sleep holding for a sense of security - on a Tuesday morning at 10AM is a basic human right. HOWEVER, walking around on creaky floorboards at 4AM is you being an inconsiderate asshole. <sighs>
I have no idea if it's because these people just don't care about keeping quiet? If they're college kids or city folk or just... oblivious or don't give a shit or something? I mean, it's just really hard for me to process the mindset of someone who moans really loud while having sex at like 10PM on a weeknight in an apartment building. Like... you know people are gonna hear you, right? They just don't care, right? The whole mindset is just so... alien to me. How can you care that little about how your actions impact others?
In an odd way, I'm kinda jealous. How liberating that must feel.
My running theory is... maybe it's because they're on the top floor. They don't have an upstairs neighbor. Sound does seem to travel down more than through the walls, and I've rarely heard my downstairs neighbors more than just an occasional loud cough. Maybe they aren't aware of how much sound carries downstairs because they have no one upstairs? I don't know.
Either way... I got some cereal, curled up in the comfy chair, popped in the AirPods with the noise cancelling on and tried to nap. I woke up like 3 or 4 times. But I got some sleep. Yoga was intense today, but I was mostly able to keep up.
Here's the really good news. I got a ton of work done on the desire path project today. A fuckin butt-ton. I got the camera glitches sorted out. I got the video rendered in 3 different shots. A panning intro shot following the paths. A wide shot of the paths growing. A close-up of a diverging desire path forming. All the video came out great. I got it all put into the video editor, I added in the camera shake which really brought more life to it, really glad I figured that out. Then I programmed all the crossfades I needed. I even went and filmed some replacement cinematic shots in Minecraft without any of the HUD shit to show off the shrines. They look real slick with the shaders and everything.
The video is now mostly done... the only pieces left are... About 3 minutes of raw hiking footage, which would be pretty cool as like... a time lapse? Maybe several different trail walks spliced together to keep it interesting? Gonna have to reserve a car and get up early for that. And... this other section where I was talking about the precursor ideas to what I ended up going with... where I was discussing making rudimentary AI and having them explore a topographical map... then replacing the AI with me using a ballpoint pen. And I settled on my way of presenting this being... me illustrating what I'm talking about in the VO as though I'm drawing it on a whiteboard, and animating that. Like I'm drawing it in real-time. And then the whiteboard shit can actually come to life, which is cool.
So... those are the next steps - hike and whiteboard animation. Whiteboard animation will likely be first, because my sleep schedule has been totally fucked. But if I can pick a nice day and just reserve the car and say "no matter how little sleep I get that night, I'm driving 20 minutes over to that national park and filming", I guarantee I will have a great day and it will be worth it. Just have to overcome the anxiety of driving while not 100%, which has been plaguing me for years and years and years. When a friend loses their sister to a car crash like 50 yards from their house, and you lived like... right down the street from that? And drove down that road past that spot every day? It sticks with you, you know?
The rest of the video is just cosmetic shit, like a credits page (which would be just... literally everything made by me...) or like... a little nudge for people to go over to my barren neglected Patreon. It's worth putting in there.
So yeah, that was basically it. I had 2 avocados and 3 baked potatoes with butter, salt, pepper, green onion, sour cream and a mix of pepper jack and habanero jack cheese on em for dinner, and it was great. And I watched a bit of a Red Dead RP stream in the background. And that was the day. And now I'm fucking wiped, so... I'm off to bed! Hopefully I don't get woken up by really loud TV for the 3rd day in a row. You're welcome, downstairs neighbor, for me literally always wearing headphones with my PC and my TV.
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I can’t believe he could say that about me as well. It was actually the thing that kinda broke the camels back kinda vibe. I didn’t even get hurt. I actually laughed. Because for once I started to see that maybe it wasn’t something that needed to be worked on and maybe it’s just always going to be that fucked.
Me, as in me who feels sickened whenever any turmoil goes on in my life, me who genuinely couldn’t eat for about 3 weeks last year because of the drama within my friendship group. The very person who took so much disrespect because I FEARED drama and conflict so much because the uncertainty of it makes me so anxious and brings me back emotionally to things I’d rather never experience again.
He actually had it in him to yell at me about how he knew I’d be bored so I’d stir something up. Making up ulterior motives behind my actions that I never created. Complicating my actions beyond what I intended. I’m genuinely not even the kind of person to be like that, not even unconsciously. I’m fucking autistic for one’s, it’s like 90% of my actions don’t have ulterior motives. I don’t plan things out like that. My concerns for my friend who was genuinely hurt got turned into a problem seeking thing. And my want to confront someone who betrayed me behind my back without even making it clear was turned into another drama seeking thing. Worst of all to simply not take what I said when I explained he was wrong about my intentions and that he was wrong about what I planned on doing. What on earth happened to all that talk about communicating?
How could you actually say that when you’re supposed to be the person who knows me best? Fuck you is all I can actually think to say. I’ve never felt more appalled at an accusation from anyone like that. Because it genuinely took me by such surprise, I found it amusing. And then infuriating. You acted so understanding and supporting yet you viewed it so twistedly. How could you portray it to be such a thing?
The day before it as well. I struggled so much the past few days. My mother’s gone. I worked 12 hours straight for 3 days. I have never in my life gotten a nosebleed from overexertion or stress. I have never had such stubborn blood sugars w/o actually being sick sick. I was so tired and when all I wanted was to have some comforting voice on the phone, who could just exist and make it feel better. I was just listening to every word purposely, enjoying his presence and even taking a 30+ min longer route home because why not? I get to hear him talk or I get to talk to him. And I was finding extra stress in that one place. I wanted that one thing to remain easy and soothing from such a tiring week and I was met with more mental stress. I knew I was listening to everything he was saying so I blamed it on my autism. My thoughts were literally spinning thinking about what was the joke that I missed and how I missed it. I was so scared that he wouldn’t believe I really was listening because he never fully does. And to just told that that was a joke. Sure it’s funny, but in that moment I was just tired. I burst into tears at a bus stop in EL. All the uncles and auntie’s just looking directly at me with a weird expression I can’t fucking read properly. I’m pretty sure I had an uncle from my country stop in his tracks right in front of me and stare. I got up and moved. But after all that, after how overwhelmed and tired I was feeling, I just got told “it was never that deep”. I had to learn a lesson on taking jokes. Choosing to hang up I thought would stop my tears and pain. And it did. But I just felt numb. I felt tired of everything. I was so tired of everywhere I went feeling like a cold field of nothingness. There was no colour to anything in my eyes at that moment. I called him back after getting out the station. But I was told to “commit to my decisions”. Another lesson. All I wanted from the start was an easy conversation with someone who makes the world go quieter when I’ve been perfectly handling the world all day. Everyday already feels like such a long lesson or practice session for me, it’s been like that since I could ever think. So for all of that to just be coupled with a personalised disciplinarian too. It’s like I’m being told to maintain posture in every corner of the world.
And I KNOW ITS NOT LIKE THAT. I KNOW I GET TO FIND COMFORT IN HIM SOMETIMES. But god it feels like everytime it matters most I’m not given comfort. Maybe I’m asking for too much comfort. I probably am. But with the level of hardship I seem to face, I would’ve thought the comfort I would’ve received would have equaled it. Isn’t that how karma is supposed to work? The balance of the universe? Or whatever you want to call the force that makes everything equal. I’m probably just greedy. I might be. I seem it to most people probably.
I’m simple tired. I have never wanted anything more than a haven I get to take shelter in. I don’t even ask for my life to be easier. I ask for comfort while I get through the hardship.
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I got really anxious tonight because I posted a picture of my guitar online.
Here's why I posted the picture:-
1- I was proud that I've progressed into a more productive habit of practicing guitar.
2- I love my guitar - I bought it 3 years ago cos it's blue and practical for my height...
3- The universe is telling me to play music.
4- I want my friends to see my guitar!
5- I had this moment of pure bliss that I'd figured out how to do something new!
Why was I anxious? Well N came online and a dumb notification popped up!
I fucking hate when apps tell you someone is online, it feels kinda creepy, like he's watching me and judging me sometimes?
I read through a few notes I had on my phone tonight when I was writing. I was trying to find a scene I'd planned for my current book and I ended up finding other things that reminded me of him.
I feel like I did play into the "girlfriend mask" and I did feel like I was stuck.
I did the same thing as the previous times I've been in long-term relationships where I would backtrack whenever I was caught trying to communicate my unhappiness.
They are like "how dare you be unhappy with me" sort of confrontations and I hate that I can't just say "being with you makes me feel like I can't be true to myself" I end up people pleasing and whatever else.
I feel like cheating on people instead of ending the relationship is definitely a toxic trait but at the same time it's hard to navigate because I am poly.
Sometimes the people pleasing is actually how the cheating happens...
In my experience with past toxic relationships, and I have had too many, I try to explain I am poly until I'm blue in the face but it doesn't seem to sink in for the other person. If I explained things like the "auntie Angie" and solitary witch writing goals. Somehow they still think I want pair monogamy with marriage and babies.
I start to take that to heart.
I'm not a marriage person.
Not sure what I was doing wearing so many rings for over 10 years. It's odd now.
I was proposed to 8 times in 2018 alone.
I've had 3 long term relationships that I would say would have eventually resulted in something resembling the traditional mindset. (As previously mentioned that was be N, L and B). But is that me?
I guess I still love N, he is my best friend, and L well he's one of my closest friends and then B recently messaged me after 10 years. This year I will give them all back their hoodies I think - at least in spirit.
This year will I have all my guitars back?
B is the only person who has ever said he hated me and actually with the things he said about what I was supposed to eat and then telling me I was gaining weight and making fun of my weight and complaining about what I ate when I wasn't with him.
Then oh yeah saying that I shouldn't have an eating disorder because I had him.
He said that I shouldn't be depressed or anything because I had him. That his influence could cure depression?
Then I remembered that after I broke up with him I had a doctor tell me that breaking up the engagement did in fact cure me of my depression supposedly?
That followed with a mental health nurse who made me feel like I was supposed to be raped and another psychologist who pushed me to hang out with a group of boys who later became my harem in a weird way but that's where I discovered alcohol - and psychologist was ehh...
I'm not sure why she was like that in retrospect and it does contribute to my lack of trust in medical professionals.
Recently it was pointed out to me that it's bizarre my doctor upped my medication right before I went on a flight. Then I tried to explain to that doctor about my extreme reactions and meltdowns while I was in America, my self harming and suicidal thoughts as well as erratic behaviour, but I found out that doctor was no more?? This is why I have trust issues!!
Anyway, enough ranting. I need to sleep.
I still miss N dreadfully but it's ok.
The last couple of weeks I feel like I'm being a good supportive friend to all and healing through the trauma. I dropped the ball in therapy on Tuesday but I'm trying to do homework. Therapy is working.
I feel like there's music in me again.
I feel like my relationship with my dad is so much better too! Plus yes lots of friends!
I will always love my Nakama.
Nakama is Ohana!
#deep thoughts#ramblings#sleep deprivation#self deprecating humor#depression and anxiety#self healing#self love#love
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Am I the only one that thinks when hakkai becomes a model it’ll go to his head and he starts acting more ion know sus, promiscuous I can’t find the word but…
 That got me thinking and I would like to request a cheater hakkai x fem reader where hakkai is cheating on his current gf with reader who is his new modeling partner in the industry and they start to catch feelings especially since his gf can’t take him like reader can, maybe there’s womb fucking, belly bulges and size kinks
all eyez on me
summary: Hakkai's rising fame makes him a lil' too cocky, yeah he has a girlfriend but you're so alluring... shit, did he really just say that?
wc: -2k
characters: model!Hakkai Shiba x fem!reader
content warning(s): 18+ mdni, infidelity, mentions of jerking off, vaginal sex, kissing, hakkai is a stupid mf, groping, size kink, praise kink, fluff, belly bulges, & light womb fucking, WITH breeding (cus i can't help myself) ;)
a/n: ok, i know you asked for his model partner but i had more ideas with you being his assistant, hope it doesn't bother ya' too much <3
Hakkai's been mistreated his whole life. Finally getting a ton of attention from everyone, especially affection from women, it got to his head fairly quick, yknow?
It wouldn't be the first time Hakkai has cheated on his girlfriend. Honestly he found out his height and looks had a big impact on chicks so why would he stick to one girl when he could fuck a ton and forget about them the next day?
But when he meets you it's a totally different story. Fucking groupies everyday just wasn't enough— not when his modeling assistant is so goddamn pretty and so damn touchy. Hakkai did feel a slight bit of shame after he cheated but he doesn't seem to have that emotion when he's with you, now he only feels some type of giddy feeling bubbling in his stomach.
Fuck. Maybe Hakkai's falling in love with you... Nah, that's just out of pocket. If he wanted affection or sex he could get it from his girlfriend, even with a groupie if he really felt like it.
But is it so crazy? He knows it's mindless to 1. fall in love with another woman when he's in a monogamous relationship, and 2. fall in love with someone he's supposed to have a professional relationship with.
It's so wrong, the way his boner leaves the biggest print against his newly designed pants each time you touch-him up for a shoot, every time you do that little giggle that puts him at ease, and fuck, that stupid smile you give him when he's posing.
It's gotten to the point you consume everything in his mind— it's as if he's shriveled back into his former self. He becomes completely meek when he has to confront you, desperately finding ways to avoid you. You ask him if he needs your assistance for anything in that soft tone of voice and he completely shuts down.
Fuck it. He's even given into his thoughts, jerking off his oversized cock purely to you. Not even kissing, hugging, fucking you; just you. Your face, and god- your amazing body too. Poor Hakkai, he's so conflicted with extreme feelings of equal parts love, lust and anguish.
Hakkai's been patient enough, his work ethic is turning into shambles all by the likes of you. Maybe he just needs to fuck his feelings away? Yeah. That should definitely do it— feed what's been eating him away. Then he can return to doing his business and be that handsome young man chicks touch themselves to when a new magazine drops with him on the cover.
—
Hakkai's been avoiding his work. Christ, he doesn't want to see you again and explode internally, hoping his fantasies could happen, but he's so determined now. Now he's going to take back his dignity by fucking it out from you.
"Yo, Kai!" Mitsuya shouted out to an anxious Hakkai. Damn, he doesn't have the stability to have small chit chat with Takashi right now, still he hesitantly walked up to him.
"Where you been?" The pale haired male whispered, "Fuck it. We'll talk later. Go to the changing rooms, [Y/N]'s been waiting for you. Said' she needs to talk to you." Mitsuya shoves Hakkai, firmly patting the back of his shoulder.
'Shit. No turning back now.' He thought
Hakkai breathes out in an exasperated sigh, entering the room, prepared to leave his stupid feelings as he confronted his hardest endeavor. Until you hit him with such an adorable pouty face, damnnit.
"Hakkai, I'm not happy with you!" you cross your arms in a dramatic manner, puffing your cheeks up at the male with furrowed brows, "Hmph!" you couldn't help your sad attempt at trying to seem mean. You break your character to laugh, pouncing onto Hakkai— who deadass thought you were being serious.
"I missed you Hakkai," you snuggle yourself against the male a bit, your plush breasts squeeze up against his chest, fuck. He can feel a throb start to pound under his pants. His throat tightens as his fantasies invade his critical thinking, "You, kay? Your heart is beating kinda fast."
Fuck, shit. A cold sweat falls from his forehead— Don't- don't look at him like that, why do you have to look so goddamn cute?
"[Y/N]..." Hakkai sighs, trying to calm his nerves before his heart takes the lead, but fuck it. His pounding heart can't take another second, nor can his cock either.
And his adrenaline couldn't get any more faster, grabbing you by the sides of your arms into a rushed kiss. Holy, your lips were as soft as he imagined it would be— even better. You softly mewl in between his pursed lips, quickly departing to breathe just to reunite as soon as possible, kissing him back desperately.
Secretly, you've been feeling exactly the same feelings too. Touching him, just to use your hand that was once on his tall body on your cunt, pretending it were his own.
It was so wrong, all of it was wrong, you were his assistant, and he had a girlfriend. But guilty cunts don't get this wet, do they?
Hakkai hikes one of your legs up, gripping one thigh to support you as his riled up hips frantically bucks into your clothed crotch, the heat radiating from your sex's make you both sigh. It was apparent, you both needed this to happen. It was all in a matter of time.
Hakkai reverts himself to your bare neck, nipping on the skin kissing and sucking forming little pinkish red bruises all over; his other hand finding its way to slide up your pleated skirt, cupping your plump ass and squeezing it firmly, rewarding him a squeal from you.
Christ, he wanted to be the reason you made those noises.
"Fuck, I want to fuck you so bad [Y/N], you have no idea." Hakkai confesses in a slight pant. He hurriedly tends to his pants, frantically unzipping and shoving them down to the wooden flooring, quickly returning back to your lips.
"And every single time you asked me if I needed anything," Hakkai huffs in between kisses, "I wanted to tell you I needed you." Your cheeks were burning up, each time the tip of his cock rutted against your swollen clit, the more apparent a damp spot came in between your undergarments.
"Then fuck me already."
You didn't need to tell him twice. Hakkai pulls the rest off his boxers with his pants, practically ripping your blouse off, shoving your skirt with the rest of the pile. You roughly kissed him before pulling the v-neck over his head, exposing his tantalizing muscles.
Seeing each other's naked forms seemingly accomplished the impossible— intensifying eachothers lust. Hakkai picks up your dainty body, hoisting you up to the vanity. Damn, his figure seemed much larger than it ever did before. Hakkai returns back into his position advancing in a slow rhythm, moving his hips as his length slips in between your drenched folds, eager lips finding yours again, mixing each other's saliva and moans as he swirls his curious tongue inside of your mouth.
Hakkai was so overcome with lust, the clear desire in his half lidded eyes each time his sensitive tip laps onto your nub, he needed to be inside of you before he bursts.
He gazed over you, looking at your glowing face for some kind of confirmation, giving him a rugged nod. Your eyes did most of the talking for you.
Hakkai spread your legs apart, yearn filled eyes exploring every inch of your sopping cunt, were you really that wet just for him?
He perfectly positions his leaking tip to your entrance, 'Fuck what about a condom?' his thoughts just being shaken away as he thrusts upwards, watching your pussy swallow him nicely— hissing in between his teeth with each inch sliding inside you.
"Fuck- Hah, it's tight.." Hakkai moans, letting your now stretched cunt adapt to the rest of his 7.5 inches— cock awfully hitting your cervix. You mewl in a vicious mix of pain and pleasure, you've never ever felt that type of sensation before, causing your waterline to overfill with your temporary tears, gripping onto his shoulders as you cry out with every sharp pain.
Hakkai's trying everything in his power to not drill every last atom in his body into your pussy, it's so tempting but he understands taking someone as large as him needs some time.
He whines becoming more desperate with each second, "Is it okay if I move?" you nod, blinking away your tears, hugging onto him as his cock leaves slowly, just to re-enter and fill you right back up with a high-pitched mewl escaping your mouth. "It's, so warm, god-"
Hakkai develops a slow yet deep flow, strokes only kissing your cervix lightly. Everything was perfect, you were perfect. His pace doesn't take it's time to grow, the room quickly resonated full of squelching noises and moans coming out in pants echoing in the tiny room.
Hakkai's quivering hands cup your cheek, "So, pretty, so so, beautiful hah-" Hakkai looks down at your tummy, his cock creating some kind of bulge, what a beautiful sight. He never remembered not even his girlfriend taking his like cock this. He breaks out in a moan, his movements are now rough than ever, cock abusing your insides and your unsuspecting womb.
His compliment washes over you, eyes shutting as you grip the edge of the vanity, the other to massage your neglected clit as Hakkai ruthlessly pounds into you, balls slapping against you each time he meets your womb.
"Hakkai! Hakkai! Kai!-" you hiccup in a gasp. Fuck, it hurts so good. The overwhelming knot in your stomach begins to build more with each harsh thrust, your cunt squeezes around his cock— Hakkai was just as close to cumming.
The wooden furniture creaks and thuds against the wall as Hakkai pistons himself forcefully inside of you, the engulfing trance of ecstasy hits you both. Every sense inside of your body comes undone as you and Hakkai tremble into each other, mouth agape from a silent moan. Hakkai's grunts fill the rest of the room as your legs twitch and writhe under him.
"Fuck! I'm cumming! god- I love you! fuck- I love [Y/N]!" Hakkai admits in an awfully loud volume as he grunts his last thrust as he paints and draining his balls everything left in his balls just to fills your womb beautifully with white. Hakkai doesn't seem to mind that he just came inside of you. Actually, he likes the fact you might even end up pregnant with his kid. Fuck, if he wasn't so exhausted his dick would be as hard as a rock just thinking about it.
Hakkai pulls his softening cock out of your now used pussy, cum dribbling from his tip— Must’ve really filled ya’ up. Grazing upon your engorged cunt as his cum effortlessly trickles out of your hole, Hakkai’s cock throbs one last time before returning back to its flaccid form. He went back to look into your eyes but you were still trying to restabilize yourself, weakly.
You look so beautiful sweaty with a heaving chest as you pant, filled with his seed. Hakkai pulls you into a tight hug, rubbing your back slowly. “Sorry, I didn’t hurt you too bad, did I?”
You shook your head in a white lie, this moment was too precious to ruin.
Three loud knocks interrupts you both, "You both good in there?" Mitsuya's voice calls out from across the door, attempting to open the door knob, being harshly denied by the lock.
And just like that, you were back to the harsh reality.
#tokyo revengers#tokyo revengers smut#tokyo revengers x reader#hakkai shiba#hakkai#hakkai x reader#hakkai smut#hakkai shiba x reader#hakkai shiba smut#takashi mitsuya#HAKKAI COME GET THIS COOCHIE
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the great adventures of y/n tommy tubbo ranboo & others are mentioned - tommy won’t go home
this is part 14 to the great adventures series
an: I tried, days are a social construction on the tarosin blog… also i’m back baby <3
from the moment you were forced awake by tubbo streaming with ranboo, Tommy began sending several messages as in his own words you ‘weren’t answering him quick enough’, probably because you had only just woken up and had no idea what day or time it was.
Tommy: y/n
Tommy: y/n were going out soon I've decided so answer me
Tommy: y/n wake up
y/n: heh? I’m going nowhere I’m tired
Tommy: I’m sending you a ticket make sure you meet me there
it was around now you had the feeling you were going to be stuck with Tommy for a while and you had no idea what to expect. an hour later tubbo stopped streaming so you took this as an opportunity to say your goodbyes to tubbo and ranboo explaining you had no idea what was happening as Tommy refused to explain but you’d probably be back later so they don’t lock you outside like last time
“don’t smirk at me ranboo just because you’re tall doesn’t mean I can’t take you down”
“mhm sure yep”
“y/n you’re going to be late we’ll see you later”
soon enough you were with Tommy who finally decided to inform you of what was happening
“we’re going to go annoy George”
“great idea Tommy let’s go”
the pair of you stood at the door waiting for George to answer, the look on George's face is something you’ll never forget.
“Hello Tommy, is that y/n what are you doing here”
“Nice to see you too… the fuck”
a few minutes later you and Tommy were sat next to George when you found a rubber duck and started making it squeak annoying the others well that was until Tommy took it and started doing the exact same thing you were doing
“I now understand why you looked pissed George”
during the stream, you were sat in between the pair George looked at you and you nodded. a few seconds later George threw the rubber duck hitting Tommy, the pair of you left not long after that event and made your way to the hotel after calling tubbo to explain what was happening.
the next day you and Tommy met up with tubbo ranboo and George at a shopping centre where you were all almost immediately met with several people asking for photos and the chance to talk to you all, you hid behind ranboo until the crowd grew smaller. it didn’t take long for everyone to notice the piano before you had time to process what just happened tubbo ran to the piano dragging you with him accidentally pushing ranboo in the process
“SORRY RANBOO”
the pair of you began playing the piano Tommy joining shortly after. time flew by the five of you spent the rest of your time shopping and just enjoying each other’s company, before you knew it, it was time to get the train. you laughed at tubbo falling asleep on the window however karma quickly caught up as you ended up falling asleep on ranboos shoulder ranboo laughed quietly to himself not wanting to wake up you or tubbo
“I swear its always y/n and tubbo who fall asleep”
“its been a long day y/n couldn’t sleep in the hotel they kept mentioning something about ghosts I don’t know man they must have been watching too many horror films”
“mhm probably”
soon enough you were with the others, minx quickly pulled you into a hug
“Nice tattoo”
“I did it for money it was a sub-goal”
you and tubbo stood with Tommy looking at the ferret
“why’s it so long”
“tubbo does it look like I study zoology I play Minecraft for a living”
the next day you were at the beach, having only had a few hours of sleep the previous night it was safe to say you weren’t in the best mood, you sat next to ranboo occasionally falling in and out of sleep, ranboo kept an arm around you pulling you into his side making sure you were safe and didn’t hit your head on the rocks when you fell asleep. you were woken up by tubbo walking on something which he clearly shouldn’t be. eventually, you all made it back to tubbos house, Tommy and tubbo were in the kitchen while ranboo practised for mcc and you were asleep in the room you had been sharing with ranboo whilst he’s in the Uk.
the next day you all went out on another adventure, at this point you had no idea what was happening but you just went with it. you and Tommy chased a bird telling him about the subscribe button and giving him the name ‘funny boy’
“Why does that bird look just extremely anxious”
“because we’re too cool ranboo”
“maybe we should give him another name than funny boy”
“Charles”
it was at this point you all decided to leave poor Charles alone as it was pretty clear he wanted nothing to do with you.
the three of you made your way to the train station forgetting that the school students would be there, a few minutes later the three of you were swarmed by several students all trying to talk to you all.
“I think we might have got on when the schools are here”
“so thankful you pointed that out boo I thought we were being mobbed by several people cosplaying as school students”
“hi everyone hopefully no one has covid”
you backed away from the crowd moving closer to ranboo
“I bet tubbos really glad he chose not to come”
you tried to avoid the crowd by getting on the train, this failed miserably. people were excited to meet the people they look up to they were all determined to sit with you all on the train taking up the seats around you all, the three of you spent a lot of the train ride talking to them, unlike ranboo and Tommy you ignored the comments aimed at the three of you not wanting to get involved after all it was rather overwhelming so many people talking loudly at once, you ended up moving seats and had a quiet conversation with someone from your community, around half an hour later you were at your destination and said goodbye before joining Tommy and ranboo at wills. the three of you sat on the floor listening to will and the others practice. it’s pretty clear Tommy has a habit of finding things as you turned around to see him with a puppet of a shark pretending to bite you
“Tommy what are you doing”
“bye y/n scream it’s going to get you”
“ah”
realising you weren’t going to scream he began telling joe, Wilbur and David to scream.
after spending time with the others and having a quick trip to the beach you Tommy and ranboo ended up at the shop recording the three of you on the security camera
“If you take a picture from there 50p”
you looked at ranboo tilting your head in confusion even though he was wearing a mask and sunglasses he was clearly equally as confused, he pulled you into his side noticing you were clearly starting to get anxious, you hated confrontation even though it turned out to be a joke it still shook you up a little bit
“I'm only joking my friend…but I did get them”
“you did we took it serious”
“aye you did”
the three of you walked away Tommy still laughing
“he scared me”
after a long day, you all went back to tubbos, you and ranboo decided to end the night early, the pair of you made your way to the shared room. you both spent a few minutes talking about mcc and how you were both going to win and coming up with new strategies. you must have fallen asleep mid-conversation as you didn’t remember seeing Tommy come into the room last night yet you were woken up by him complaining that ranboo playing mcc woke him up.
after getting ready you sat planning an adventure with tubbo
“So where do you wanna go bo”
“We should do something really cool”
“l hope you know that wasn’t helpful”
“pumpkin patch”
“it’s summer where do you think we’re going to find pumpkins…wait tubbo in October I’m taking you to a pumpkin patch it’ll be great we hardly spend time together as a pair near Halloween”
“I promise this year we’ll spend more time together”
your conversation was interrupted by Tommy and ranboo announcing they were ready to go to the beach again. once there tubbo sat arguing with Tommy and ranboo over them needing a life jacket. meanwhile, you had walked away collecting pretty rocks and sea glass putting them in the velvet blue bag covered in embroidered gold stars that dream had sent you as a thank you for the merch you sent him not long ago, you walked along the beach quietly talking to yourself
“ooh jack would like that and I could turn this into a ring for Niki…techno would like this and this would annoy schlatt it's perfect”
you laughed to yourself as you made your way back to the others thinking about schlatts reaction when he sees his gift. when you made your way back you watched Tommy swim over to tubbo leaving ranboo on his own probably waiting for you to return
“did you get any nice rocks then y/n you were out for a while”
“I did. come sit over there with me I’ll show you”
the pair of you sat next to each other away from the sea, ranboo matched your excitement every time you picked the rock you wanted to show him
“you’ve been collecting more than rocks? what’s that”
“I have !! you wanna see?”
“of course I do”
this was a moment neither of you would forget, the pair of you sat enjoying each others company looking at rocks and sea glass you had found on the beach ignoring the world.
taglist:
@denkisclown @emma0nline @fuzzycloudsz @wtfwriter @milkydisaster @dumb-chaotic-bi-energy @uselesssapphickitten @l0ver0fj0y @etheriaaly @xx-smiley-xx @hawarun @cawcaw-pretty-thing @reverse-iak @renleicrashed @augustine-is-joy @c1loudee @orkwardx0 @bearytime @kylobensgirl
#the great adventures series#tubbo imagine#tubbo x reader#tubbo x y/n#tubbo x you#tubbo fluff#tommyinnit imagine#tommyinnit x y/n#tommyinnit x you#tommyinnit fluff#tommyinnit x reader#ranboo imagine#ranboo x you#ranboo x y/n#ranboo x reader#ranboo fluff#dsmp reader insert#dsmp imagine#mcyt fluff#mcyt x y/n#mcyt x reader#mcyt fanfiction#mcyt x you#mcyt x platonic reader#mcyt imagines#mcyt imagine
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Baki boy’s handling a S/O who randomly flinches at being unexpectedly touched due to their past
Hi guys! I haven’t written in a while and I haven’t gotten any requests, so I thought I’d write about something that I struggle with and that other people might as well! So, Trigger Warning is in effect for down below, if you think it might bother you, feel free to keep scrolling and I’ll see you around for the next one, have a great day <3
TW: Prior abusive relationships, dementia, anxiety, PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) and family issues
Baki Hanma:
The first time Baki notices it, the two of them are at school and he snuck up behind them to surprise them as they didn’t have classes together until after lunch, his hands resting on their hips and the moment he did this, they about jumped out of their skin.
He instinctively believes that something is wrong, and despite his brain telling him to bring it up in conversation, he didn’t want to possibly upset them. Simply rationalizing it as he snuck up on them, of course they’d be spooked. Anyone would be... right?
Wrong. This behavior continued at the most random of times; they’d be having a good time and then he’d move his arm too fast, the next moment they were flinching away from him with a frightened expression that they were consciously trying to control.
This was no longer something that Baki could ignore, and chose to approach the conversation as gently and casually as he could to not upset them too much, but it seemed by the tears welling in their eyes that this was a sensitive topic.
They explain about their relationship with their parents, how when they were living with them, they were physically abusive when it came to getting their way or discipline. Anything could be used as an excuse to hit them, not taking out the trash on time? Slap. Not doing the dishes and laundry before their parents got home? Smack. Seemed to be having an attitude when answering a question? Slap. Anything ranging to them ‘breathing with attitude’. So, when they were old enough and had enough money, they moved out and cut off contact.
Upon hearing this, Baki could hardly think straight, and it took everything in him to keep himself from finding them himself to give them a piece of what they put his beloved through, but he couldn’t do that.
He knew that the place he was most needed was right there, so he’d wrap his arms around their shakily breaking frame and hold them close to his chest, one hand rubbing their back while the other smoothed back their hair, gentle kisses peppering their forehead as he rocked the two of them.
He would never allow anything to harm them again, and if he ever got the chance to meet their parents... it’s game on. “I know it’s something that you can’t help, but try to remember as best you can that I’d die before I laid a hand on you in anger or allowed anyone else to ever again.”
Jack Hanma:
This man is nowhere near as patient as his brother, so the first moment he notices something is off with his partner and quick, unexpected movements, he confronts them and he wants his answers then, not the second time he asks, something he makes very clear. Jack doesn’t like repeating himself or vague answers.
However, what he wasn’t expecting was for them to tell him to mind his own business and stalk away as if he had done something wrong. This doesn’t sit well with the blonde giant, they’re normally very open and honest about nearly anything and everything with him, so this personality flip only deepened his concern.
Letting the pot simmer for a few hours while he worked to collect his thoughts on the matter, he would later find them in their shared room, an apologetic look etched into his expression which was a rarity held only for the likes of his S/O.
“I’m sorry... can you please just tell me what it is that’s upsetting you already?” He would murmur from the door, waiting like a puppy to be called over to the bed and as soon as he is, he clears the room in two strides, taking a seat beside them and wrapping his protective arms around them.
Jack doesn’t have much tact when it comes to this, but his heart is in the right place and his S/O can see that he means well, so despite his blunt approach, so the moment his arms wrapped around them, they relent and finally open up to him about their past relationships with their older siblings and how they would frequently be used as the punching bag, figuratively and literally.
Just as his anger was beginning to boil over, and he was ready to sit them down with a movie while he went out to have a ‘conversation’ with them all, they hit him with something that he hadn’t been expecting,
“You know, if it wasn’t for them, I wouldn’t have wanted to start training, and then maybe I wouldn’t have met you. So, I guess I owe them a thank you for giving me you.” They spoke with such sincerity, how could he argue back at that? Their hands gently cupping his cheeks as they smiled slightly at him, hoping to get one back.
It was with that, he felt every ounce of anger leave his body and all he could feel was love for the person he was holding. They had a point, there was no guarantee that they would have met outside of their shared love for the gym, so maybe he did have them to thank. Not out loud of course, because fuck them, all he cared about was what was in his arms.
Katsumi Orochi:
Katsumi would be one of the first to notice something was wrong with his S/O, he had known them for a bit of time before deciding to ask them to be his, so he had time to observe the way they interacted with others and the little tics that they had.
The first time he had seen it happen as when someone in his class had walked up beside them without their noticing and then spoke, earning them a clock to the face and a thousand apologies after that. Of course, he like Baki, would try to rationalize it as them being spooked until the issue persisted into their relationship, and they were doing it with him.
The first time it happened in private, he would catch their fist as it swung in his direction and pulled them close, speaking in as soft and soothing voice as he could while addressing the issue at hand. “I don’t want to upset you, in fact that’s my last wish, but I can’t help you if I don’t know what’s going on.”
No longer able to run from it, they finally broke down and the two curled up in their shared bed while they went over their past relationship and how they were frequently met with physical violence at any time, ranging from a slap across the face, to a punch, to things further that they weren’t comfortable telling him.
This was what he wanted, he wanted them to tell him what was wrong, why they acted the way they did, so why was he so upset over knowing the truth? Seeing the tears welling in his S/O’s eyes and trickling down their rosy cheeks told him the reason; who could hurt someone so kind and gentle? It infuriated him, but he couldn’t show it, he needed to be strong for the person he loved when they needed him the most.
Wrapping his muscular arms around their frame, he pulled them closer to him and rested his chin on top of their head, eyes focused on the wall ahead of them as he listened to their breathing, reminding himself that they were safe with him, and there wasn’t a chance in hell of them ever harming them again; if they tried, that’s free anger management.
When the two of them laid down that night, he made them a promise that he would never let anything happen to them again, and that he would help them get their sense of safety back, that they wouldn’t have to react in such a defensive and reactionary way when the people around them would never hurt them. They didn’t understand fully just how seriously he would take that promise.
From that day forward, he would frequently remind them that they were safe, they would train harder and longer so they would feel as though they could handle themselves in any situation, and anytime they would start to feel anxious or out of control, he would hold them in his arms and remind them of the promise he made, and that he would never leave them alone to deal with this.
Kaioh Retsu:
This man would be the best out of all of them when it comes to noticing and reaction, not gonna lie. He didn’t need to see them flinch away from people, he could see the way that they would scan the room before making any movements, how they would take note of everyone else in the room with them and where they were, the consistently worried and alert look in their eye. It had him coming to conclusions of his own, and he was afraid that they would be right.
Would approach the topic after a night at home, the two in the shower and them flinching at his touch once he finally joined them in the water. He would bring it up gently, his arms wrapping around their body so that they would feel safe with him, pressing his toned form against theirs in an attempt to show that they are one.
“I love you, and I can feel when you’re upset by something, so please, trust me enough to confide in me. I simply wish to help you.” He would plead with them, his dark eyes showing nothing but sincerity and honesty to where his S/O can’t deny him.
Retsu would let them stray from the topic a few times before finally pressing the topic a bit more firmly, showing that he would not be relenting on this and that it would save them both some time if they just went ahead and told him what he wanted to know.
Gently stroking their cheek with the back of his fingers, his other hand still placed on their lower back and holding them still as he listened to their words, processing how they had been bullied when they were younger and dealt with physical attacks at school that no one did anything about, so they had to always be on guard and be able to run at a seconds notice, hence the flinching away at unexpected touching.
It made sense to him, it did, but what he couldn’t grasp just yet was why they hadn’t chosen to defend themselves, until they explained it was nearly everyone, so one against a huge group when they were just a child wouldn’t have ended well and he had to admit they were right.
Makes it his mission to make them feel as safe as possible, keeping them away from any type of danger or stressful situation where people would be moving at fast paces so not to trigger their fight or flight reaction and cause them anxiety. Retsu is very mindful of his S/O and makes sure that they’re comfortable wherever they go, and asks if there’s anything they need from him.
Also goes the route of teaching them self defense if they don’t already know any, and if they do, simply helps them sharpen them and shows them new techniques that might be more effective to use, but never once does he make them feel like they aren’t strong enough. He wants to build their confidence, and he knows the right way to go about it.
Kaoru Hanayama:
Kaoru’s S/O is incredibly private about their past, not wanting to let the poor guy in on anything about their prior experiences and why they act the way that they do or why they flinch away from people at the most random times. It’s frustrating to say the least, and whenever it happens, they give him a look that simply says ‘don’t say anything if you don’t want an argument.’
However, Hanayama isn’t the type to shy away from confrontation, and if he feels it’s something that’s detrimental to his S/O, you’d best believe he’s going to bring it up when he feels the time is right and won’t let up on it until he gets a satisfactory answer. Standing in front of the door and blocking it with his large frame to make his point clear as he stares them down with his shadowy hues.
“I’m not doing this to upset you or trap you here, I’m doing this so you’ll finally tell me what goes on in your head and how I can fix it. If you really want to leave I’ll let you go but just... please. Let me try and do something to help for once instead of shutting me out.” This is not the type of man to beg for anything, he’s head of the Hanayama gang after all, but when it came to the person he loved, he’s willing to do anything, even look like a lovesick fool.
Somehow, that finally got through to them, and they’d sit down on the nearest piece of furniture, be it a couch or bed, and begin to explain slowly, as if they would run out of air every few sentences, about their relationship with their abusive, alcoholic mother, and how she would ‘discipline’ her children in the cruelest ways possible, how it could be at the drop of a hat, over the most obscure and miniscule things, anything that she felt like.
Being the eldest child, his S/O was forced to endure the brunt of it to keep their siblings safe, things only ever happening to their siblings when they weren’t around, and how they aren’t understood by them now because of how they were raised effected them differently due to this dynamic.
His mind goes blank for a moment as rage seeps in and takes over, causing his large frame to tense from his position in front of the door; the only thought he had was on repeat: Kill that bitch. Kill that bitch. Kill that bitch. He had the men to do it, he had the strength to do it himself, he had the police under his thumb, he could really get away with this.
All of these thoughts flooded his mind and clouded his vision until he felt warm hands on his scarred face, earning his attention immediately as his vision cleared and all that he could see was the loving eyes of his S/O as they stood in front of him, a worried expression adorning their face. “Promise me that you won’t do anything to her, she isn’t worth your time or mine. What is, is going forward and leaving the past behind, okay?”
Fuck, they had him there. He was the one who wanted to help them after all, how could he do that by sinking down and doing exactly what was done to them to her? As much as he wanted to tell them that they were wrong, that they would feel better with her off this earth, he couldn’t. Instead, he wrapped his large arms around them and engulfed them into his frame, whispering quietly into their ear as he held them close, “I’ll never let anything hurt you again. Ever. I promise you.”
Kiyosumi Katou:
This man understands being twitchy, not liking being touched too much unless initiated and would respect that the moment he noticed that was the way that they were, and would have no complaints.
Until they started acting that way around him in private. They should know that he would never lay a hand on them, and gets slightly insulted that they didn’t register that.
That is, until they explain that it’s something that they’ve always struggled with due to their high levels of anxiety and that they’d spent years living in an unpredictable environment where they didn’t know if someone was going to start throwing punches or not, unable to defend themselves or fight back.
This took a moment to sink in for Katou, not sure how to react or if they were telling him the truth but then he remembers that they’ve never lied to him in the past and this was something incredibly serious, so why would they do that, right? (Tell me you have trust issues without telling me you have trust issues)
However, the moment that it did fully get through that thick skull of his, he is engulfing his S/O in tight hugs and not saying a word, allowing his actions to speak louder than his words for once in his life, knowing that nothing he could say in that moment would make the pain that they’d gone through go away, and it was insulting to try.
Holding them for the remainder of the night, he wouldn’t want them out of his sight for longer than a few moments to go to the bathroom or get food while they sat on the couch and watched whatever it was that they wanted, because they trusted him enough to be vulnerable and express a part of themselves that they didn’t trust many with, so anything they wanted right now, they were going to get.
From that day forward would take it upon himself to ask how his S/O was doing during the day, if he could do anything to help them feel less anxious or stressed whenever he could tell that they were having a bad day. Most would assume that because of his cunning and brutal nature that Katou wouldn’t be very smart, and IQ wise they’d probably be right, however, when it comes to emotional intelligence, he’s pretty spot on.
Keeps his S/O close wherever they go, his arm is permanently wrapped around their shoulder while they walk down the side walk or standing in line, his expression that of ‘I wil break your neck if you come near them with any bad intentions and I’m not afraid of jail.’
Hector Doyle:
Doyle isn’t one to show much emotion, on his expression or in his words, but he is incredibly observant, and takes in far more information than the average person would in a simple situation, so the moment he saw his S/O flinch their shoulder away from a friend appearing suddenly beside them, he took note of it and began to analyze.
Had that friend done something to upset them in the past that made them uncomfortable? Had they smelled bad and his S/O didn’t want to be rude by telling them? Several different things went through his mind based on that small interaction, and by the next time it happened with a different person, that it wasn’t anything to do with anyone else, it was you.
Now, the question is, what was causing his S/O to act the way that they had been? Obviously it was something that had been doing for a reason, and it seemed to stem from people either touching them or showing up without their knowledge, or swift movements by those around them. Could they have dealt with prior abuse? The mere thought made Doyle’s blood boil, but he didn’t want to jump to any conclusions without solid evidence or confirmation from them.
He’d bring up the topic while they’re laying in bed late at night one of the rare one’s he’s in heading to sleep the same time as them, given he’s a night owl and prefers the silence of night time and how few people were out, but he’s willing to sacrifice one night to get the answers that have been nagging at the back of his mind to get confirmation for.
“You seem to freak out at the smallest things, like someone moving their hand too fast near you, or touching you when you didn’t see it coming, even when it’s a friend or myself, what’s the deal?” Boy, he could not word that much worse if he had tried, and the reaction he got to such a topic being brought up in that way was to be expected; hostility.
“So, you’ve been sitting here observing me like I’m a lab rat in some experiment?” “What’s wrong with that?” A lot of things, and they made sure he knew it before deciding to give him the answers he’d been wanting to know so badly. It took them a while to find the right words, starting and stopping themselves several times but Doyle sat in silence, watching quietly as he waited patiently for them. He wouldn’t rush them, he’d already been an asshole with his approach.
After a long while of silence on both ends, they explained to him about how their grandmother had dementia while they were growing up and how she lived with them since her parents didn’t want to send her to a home, and while she was mentally deteriorating, she would get violent and throw things or blows, hitting his S/O several times in the head or body when they weren’t paying attention or fast enough, and so it’s become a reflexive habit.
It wasn’t as bad as he had thought, but still, the mental scars it seemed to take on his S/O were just as bad as real ones in his opinion, so he would start to make it a habit of keeping an eye on their surroundings and stopping anyone from startling his S/O before they had a chance, doing little things like moving slower or announcing his presence; would 100% deny it if his S/O brought it up. He might be a jerk who loves a good fight, but not with his S/O.
#baki the grappler#baki headcanons#baki hanma#jack hanma#katsumi orochi#kiyosumi katou#hector doyle#kaoru hanayama#kaioh retsu#trigger warning#tw
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Glimpses: Part 11 (Kathryn Hahn x Fem!Reader)
Part 1 // previous chapter <<< >>> next chapter
Summary: Kathryn gets news that effect your newly blossoming relationship.. or… whatever it is.
Word Count: 2.6k
A/N: Hello everyone. I am pleased to announce that I finally finished this chapter and am very much excited about where this story is going from here. I hope you all still enjoy. Last week, I got asked to create a tag list and if anyone wants to be on it as well, just hit me up and you'll never miss a posting again. Thank you all for still being here, here we go! <3
Tag List: @danvers97
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You scrunch your nose as the sunlight hits your face and repeatedly blink our eyes upon the blinding sunbeam coming in through the half opened curtains. Slowly opening them, you find yourself in a bright room with high walls and take in the fresh breeze granted from the open windows and curtains right now.
Laying on your back, you close your eyes again before turning on your other side, as you realize you are, in fact, not alone in bed. Long dark hair is tickling your nose and you don’t need to think twice about who it might be, as the familiar scent of your crush hits you right away. Shocked, you move back a little. Too harsh and too fast, which is why you wake up the sleeping woman next to you and watch in awe as reality slowly gets her back. She is still in her clothes from last night and the little make up she wore is smudged around her eyes. It’s the most beautiful sight you have ever seen.
She locks eyes with you. “Good Morning, Sweetheart. Seems like we fell asleep somewhere,” she winks, “I’m gonna go fetch change and fetch us some breakfast to eat outside, yeah?”
With that she is already sitting up and about to leave the bed as you are still busy comprehending the situation that you found yourself in. Realizing the confused state you are in upon seeing the look on your face, she laughs. “Yes, I get up that quickly most of the time. I get it. It’s unsettling. But work made me adjust to getting as much sleep as possible by not spending time just laying around. It’s sleep, wake, work for me.”
Laughing again, she walks past the bed and reaches for the door handle. “See you in the garden in about 30 minutes? Take your time and let me know if you need anything before, though. Also… there is fresh towels and a toothbrush in the bathroom, if you wanna take a shower. Feel right at home.”
With that, she leaves the room and you stare at the closed door for a few seconds before finally stretching your body. You don’t know how to put the whole situation into words yet, but you reach for your phone to text Alex about what happened. Obviously, it would be faster and probably also more effective to call and actually talk to her but it would seem too real and you can't do too real just now.
Simply texting her what happened somehow feels less intimate than calling. It just feels less real. And that will have to do for now. Plus, Kathryn might come back any moment and you don’t want to just confront her with your friends.
It takes you a while to find the right words, so you put your phone down for a minute to put yesterday’s clothes back on and simply brush your teeth because you have decided to skip the shower since you took one just the day before.
After a while and multiple times of rewriting the message, it seems as if you put all the information in there that Alex would be interested in and you hit send, anxious for your best friend's response. Suddenly, there is a knock on your door.
Kathryn’s head pops up in the door frame. “How do you like your coffee, Y/N?”
“Uuuuhm. I don’t actually know. I guess I just drink whatever my mom has in the pot? I’m not picky.” You scratch your head as a deep frown appears on your forehead.
Kathryn smiles softly. “Alrighty then. I’m nearly done in the kitchen. You could come help me take everything outside, if you want. That's all.”
You immediately jump from the bed to walk towards and help her, sliding your phone into your back pocket. Entering the kitchen, you can tell Alex has read the message and is frantically reacting to it. The vibration caused by her messages makes you anxious and, as clearly as you can hear them, you hope Kathryn doesn’t.
Ignoring the buzzing, you walk behind her and help her set up the table, admiring her silhouette. The sun is hitting her hair in a way that makes it appear to have a golden shimmer and the long white summer dress she put on for the day flows in the light wind that’s circling the backyard. You can see her back muscles move as she walks and watch as she elegantly makes her way through the house.
She turns around and catches you staring at her. “Like something you see?” She winks.
Embarrassingly, you simply continue the staring and open and close your mouth just like a fish until she laughs. “Calm down, sweetheart. You look very nice yourself and I certainly enjoy catching a glimpse or two of you.”
Take a breath. You like flirty Kathryn. Whenever she teases you, she is so very much different to the Kathryn you thought you’d meet back in the bar just a while back. Never would you have thought to get that lucky. Caught up in your thoughts, you miss how she bites her lips looking at you, barely, but long enough so you could’ve noticed, and her eyes momentarily move down to your lips.
As she catches your attention again, asking for the plates in your hands, her pupils are slightly widened and she brushes your fingers for a short moment. The tension gets broken by a loud noise coming from your pocket.
You both know the sound and look at each other for just a few seconds before you finally react. Taking out your phone and looking at it, you slightly panic as you see Alex’ name calling as you look at yourself on the screen.
“Oh… it’s my best friend.” You say and it’s been quite a few seconds now and you still haven’t reacted. Usually, when moments like this happen, Alex puts the phone aside and does something else until you eventually pick up or the call ends.
This time, you forget about that and simply watch and completely forget to react as Kathryn reaches out, takes the phone from your hand and answers the call herself. As feared, Alex is already busy doing her make up - she is going out for dinner tonight - and is not paying attention to the phone at all as she can't really see the screen given to position she is in right now.
“MADAME GURL. I can’t believe you are not reading my fucking messages, like, how dare you ignore your highness,” she laughs from afar as she puts eyeliner on. You know she will look down any second now and don’t dare to move or speak. “No really, I need you to-“
She stops speaking. She drops her make up. Her mouth falls open. You can basically hear and see her heart sink to her knees. “To… to… I mean… I need her to uhm… call me back. Yeah. Call me back.”
“Good Morning!” Kathryn grins.
“I-… good morning, Ms Hahn.” Alex is now frantically fixing her hair that she had opened right when she realized she was talking to Kathryn.
“Call me Kathryn, honey. Kathryn is just right. And you are?”
You can tell Alex is about to pass out “Alexandra. But more like Alex. Alex is just fine.”
“It suits her better anyway.” You chime in from off the camera, just as you just got your self confidence back.
“BISH! Uhm, I mean.. Y/N!” Alex catches herself and the two of you make Kathryn laugh wholeheartedly.
She hands the phone back to you and starts moving back to the house. “I’ll leave you two to it for a moment and get the coffee. It was nice meeting you, Alex. Let me know if you need anything else, Y/N.” She smiles before she sends you a short wink as the camera is facing you again.
“DUDE.” Alex is close enough to her phone now that her whole face fills the screen.
“I KNOW.” You reply as you watch Kathryn walk through the hallway towards the kitchen.
Alex gets your attention back. “I thought you were still alone in bed, I’m so sorry. But like… oh my god. You need to fill me in. Like. OH MY GOD.” She shakes her head in disbelief. “I will definitely talk to you tonight, missy. And you need to like… I don’t even know.. get her. Like WOW. Have you SEEN her? I mean… wow.”
You smile, thinking back at last night. “Yeah, wow.”
You see Kathryn making her way back through the hallway windows and look at Alex. “Honey, I will call or text you as soon as I get home, yeah? I love you, byyyyye.” And with that you hang up, not even awaiting a response, as Kathryn opens the door and steps out into the garden again.
“She’s cute,” She says as she makes her way to you. “Why’s she not your girlfriend?”
You stop for a moment and look at her. What an odd question to ask. Is she jealous? Does she want you to have someone else? What is this about? You’re probably overthinking right now, but still, a question like that right after meeting Alex doesn’t sit quite right with you.
Brushing it off, you look at her and laugh. “She is married. That’s like… a big reason. Plus I adore her wife so… no no NO.”
Kathryn chuckles. “I see. I’m sorry if this question was too direct. I was just wondering, since both of you are cute and… you know.”
“Yeah…” you say and Kathryn starts to realize that your thoughts are going places in your head right now.
She places a hand on your arm as you sit down. “Stop worrying. Alright? You are all good. It was a stupid joke. I’m sorry.” You know she means it and look at her thankfully as your smile finds its way back onto your face.
Breakfast is cute and calm as the two of you sit in comfortable silence and just enjoy each other’s presence. It’s a Sunday after all. The silence gets interrupted as Kathryn’s phone lights up and Jennifer‘s name appears on the screen.
“Oh shoot.” She jumps up and takes her manager's call, walking away from the area.
You watch Kathryn gesturing wild as you sip your tea and can’t tell if she looks excited or stressed about what is being said on the phone. She finally hangs up and sits down across from you again. You want to ask what’s up but choose not to - she will tell you things if she feels like it after all.
Locking eyes with you, she sights before putting on a grin. “I got a new job.”
You can’t believe she really IS sharing information with you. “That’s amazing Kathryn! I am so excited!!!” You really want to ask her about more details but feel like it is not your place to do so.
“Yeah… yeah it is,” She doesn’t seem too convinced herself as she looks at you and you ask her about it by simply raising an eyebrow. “Well… it’s nice and all, but I’ll have to leave the country for a while. The movie gets shot in Europe and, to be honest, I have never really left the country that long for a job before.”
You appreciate how open she is with you and reach out to place your hand on hers. “I get that. And, I mean, I don’t even know what project you are working on. But, I really don’t need you to tell me what it is to know that it is gonna be just great.”
She smiles fondly and nods. “You’re right. It’s just…. You…,” locking eyes with you it seems like she is searching for words and reaches out for you to help her. “I really enjoy your company, Y/N and… you know.”
“I know.” You say and for a moment you think about kissing her. Just pulling her closer, next to you, onto your lap, anywhere really and capturing her lips with yours but somehow you feel like last night was last night and today is today. A different story.
“Really, Kathryn, it’s gonna be just great. Don’t worry about me.” You mean it and as your thoughts trail off and you ask yourself what project she might work on, you don’t realize how she is launching forward to pin you down on the side of the couch you are sitting on. It's one swift movement that you didn't see coming at all.
You open your eyes in shock and start panting as you realize she placed her body and basically all her weight on top of you while holding onto your wrists. The look she is giving you now is different to every look she has given you ever before and her pupils are dilated. You lie underneath her in shock and you know very well that this very moment is everything you ever wanted, while at the same time there is so much you should talk about, so you can't really enjoy the moment right now.
"Kathryn, I…" You start, but she is already removing herself from you.
"I know! I know. I don't know what came over me. I guess I'll just miss you. A lot." A forced smile appears on her face and you wish you could comfort her, but really, you are just as hurt.
You feel like it's time to ask her what the two of you are exactly, test out the waters and see where she stands in all of it, but at the same time you feel like it is way too early and you don't really know why you are thinking about all of this in the first place and as you think about it more you can literally feel the panic setting in and you are probably overthinking but really, we are talking about Kathryn Hahn here, so really, where could this lead?
Right as Kathryn sits up and fixes her dress on her side of the couch again, her phone starts chiming endlessly as she is reaching for her coffee. Her hand changes paths and grabs the device instead and you watch her as she leans back into her cushions after shooting you an apologetic look.
"Oh no, OH NO. Oh no no no no no." She sits up straight again and swipes through her phone.
Worried, you sit down right next to her without looking at her screen to keep her privacy. "How can I help you?"
She turns towards you and looks at you with kind eyes before placing her free hand on your upper side. "You are already doing a lot by grounding me, sweetheart. That's more than most people can do for me."
You smile cheekily and get more comfortable next to her after planting a short kiss on her cheek. "Happy to provide."
She reacts differently than you anticipated because, given the situation that just happened, you thought she would be very much into the idea of you getting closer to her again. Instead, she is looking at you with sad eyes as she slowly lowers her phone to give you her full attention.
Your smile fades and you prepare for the worst, not knowing what makes her look this sad.
"Jennifer mailed. She made a mistake. It was a late booking. I will travel to the set in Europe by the end of the week. But cast and crew get together starts tomorrow. On the other side of the country."
#kathryn hahn#kathryn hahn x reader#Kathryn Hahn x You#Kathryn Hahn fan fiction#Kathryn Hahn Fanfiction#groupie#groupie au
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thinking abt bakugou with a socially anxious gf <//3 i need some comfort because i know i need to get a retail job for the experience and other things like that but (゜▼゜＊） i can't talk to people i can't go out and be seen by strangers without getting extremely uncomfortable what am i gonna do lol *dies*
LEGEND YOU GOTTA BE CAREFUL ABOUT THIS TOPIC with me because I’m mean about anxiety adfhajsdk🥺🥺🥺
Okay, I’m not actually mean, but as usual, I have some pretty... controversial opinions about the whole thing (and yes, I’m aware this is a character flaw of mine)... especially because I’m bold as fuck and was bullied because of this lol...
However, because I had pretty bad anxiety for YEARS, and have had a number of retail jobs (restaurant, cafe, cashier, now secretary), I know you’re gonna be just fine! Working in that kind of environment can be great for anxiety because it really helps you see just how little people actually care when you make mistakes... customers literally do not perceive you EVER, and I can promise that your boss will obviously have seen worse than whatever bad thing you do (that is, if they’re nice).
I’ve literally dropped entire cakes and meals on the ground, printed checks wrong, made customers pay for different bills, been sent home for wearing crocs, everything under the sun... also once I had a coworker who drank an entire bottle of nyquil on the clock and threw it back up in the kitchen drain.
Besides, even if it’s tough at first, because dealing with people is annoying as hell, getting used to the new environment will go by really fast, and I’m sure you’ll have at least a few fun coworkers eventually... and when you feel nervous, you can just think about me cheering you on! I know you got this, binch!!!💪🏻
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D’aww though, Bakugo with a socially anxious cutie by his side...
It sounds so sweet at first, because obviously he doesn’t mind doing all the confrontation for you, at least until you realize that at the same time... he’s fucking stupid. Dude has probably never heard the word “anxiety” in his life, so while he’s sympathetic to you personally... he probably doesn’t realize that your shyness is like, an actual thing.
Like obviously you’re dating, so of course that means you’ve already gotten past the initial weirdness of courting of each other and you’ve already caught his attention... but that also means he probably doesn’t think of you as someone a bit less... brash... than him, just because you are, in fact, dating him specifically. In Bakugo’s mind, you’re his s/o, which means that you’re equally as awesome as him, if not more... and therefore, he’s not thinking about your social abilities in regards to others because all that really matters is how you treat him.
Like he does not give one single care if you don’t like talking to people because hey, they’re extras, and obviously you know that. He doesn’t care if you don’t like making small talk with cashiers, because look, he’s so used to doing the talking for you as a Pro Hero who gets swarmed with fans and questions that he doesn’t even think about it...
So like, when you do express to him your fears about your new job, and that maybe, possibly, sometimes... you’re a little shy... he’s really like, “Hah? No you’re not?”
You: Uh... Yeah I am?
Him: You talk to me, though?
Katsuki.... Baby... you are dumb... because that’s literally what and how he’s been thinking this entire time... all because he was too wrapped up in his own logic to think that maybe talking to people actually IS hard. He’s a boy hero, so his thought process was probably just “Something scary? Just stop being scared.”
However, once you do manage to get it through his thick skull that the reason you’re not as shy around him is because you’re literally DATING, and that social anxiety is a thing, he starts to become a little more sympathetic about and observant of your nervous habits when they do happen pop up.
He’s probably not the type to completely take things over for you (because he’s aware that you’re a competent adult), but he definitely stays alert when you go out places together, makes sure to hold your hand real tight when you’re in situations that could possibly be uncomfortable or nerve wracking so you know that he’s got you, and always makes sure to check in with you after, too.
(It’s always just a lil eyebrow raise and “You good?” but it’s sweet nonetheless.)
And while I’m sure there’s still a part of him that’s thinks, “Just do whatever you want, it doesn’t matter what people think about you” (which is TRUE), he overall just gets a lot better at supporting you and hyping you up when you need it.
He’s obviously the big s/o who follows you around and when anyone even looks at you wrong (especially when you’re buying something or ordering), starts mad GLARING at them. And when you do need him to take over for you, he’s definitely got you then, too. Has all your orders memorized for you.
(One of my anxious habits is that I always want to change shirts after I eat, so I’m just imagining Bakugo bringing an extra jacket for moments when your clothing is bothering you, hehe!!)
And for all my confident girls out there, he’s definitely doing this for you, too!❤️
#bakugo x reader#katsuki bakugo x reader#bakugo#bakugo thoughts#ask#anon#caitie post#i know it goes both ways and that people disagree with this but ive always felt like ppl like shy girls more LOL#like ill never be the cutesy girlfriend or whatever bc im not afraid of confronting people#idk but basically high school was hard and i have issues#tbh tho i remember the first moment i really felt anxiety free#it was so strange it was totally random#my anxiety was the type that made me feel sick constantly#Anonymous
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A Match Set
Chapter 2
Chapter 1
Pairing: Benny Watts x Reader
Summary: After meeting one night in New York, you and Benny Watts are drawn to each other. As you go through different experiences with one another, you grow closer until it finally gets to be too much for Benny.
Word Count: 2685 Damn
Warnings: Alcohol and also a little sad?
Notes: hehe the plot continues... also please give feedback I’m still new to writing and can use the help 🥺
Your first date with Benny was like all your experiences with Benny. It started out ordinary, and ended up somewhere completely different.
He took you to a small cafe, one of those hidden spots known only to New York natives.
You and Benny sat down in a little corner of your own, and you felt an imbalance when he didn’t look nervous at all. After you ordered you relaxed a bit, finding out that he was just as anxious as you were. Sure, Benny had an incredible poker face, but the way he kept tapping his cheek while he leaned his chin on his hand had been the tell.
On the outside it looked as though the two of you were on a regular date, exchanging all the usual smiles and small flirtations, but that’s where it got a little more interesting.
Benny wasn’t conventional and didn’t care to be, and you were always trying to get past the surface of things. Neither of you cared for menial small talk, and instead went straight into a passionate exchange of thoughts and views. You ended up talking like you had known each other for years. There was a connection there, an obvious chemistry that you hadn’t found before.
There was a second date after that, and it was even better than the last. He had taken you to dinner that time, and once again you found yourselves falling back into discussion about various thoughts and ideas, nothing boring or ordinary.
As you cracked jokes back and forth and learned more about each other, you had a warm feeling. You recognized that for all these last few months, being with Benny was the first time you really felt at home in New York.
That was before, but this is now. Now is when a part of you shattered. Now is just after you got a devastating call that your father was sick.
“Thank you,” you said before hearing the click of placing the phone back on the receiver.
Thank you for what? You were just told your father was dying and you were supposed to say thank you? You had finally gotten the chance to go beyond your small town, thinking everything at home was safe, that it was taken care of. It was your father that convinced you of that.
Living where you did had it’s limits, and there wasn’t much for you there. He pushed you to get out and explore, telling you that you didn’t need to worry about him.
You were taken from your thoughts when you looked at the time, realizing Benny would be picking you up soon. You could’ve canceled, considering the recent circumstances, but you were grasping for normalcy at the moment, trying to shove away the awful reality you were just hit with. You told yourself it wasn’t because you were running away, you were just being considerate of benny. Yes, you were just being considerate. That meant you could push off thinking about all this until you got home.
This time, you and Benny were walking together in Central Park, and you were trying to pay attention to what he was saying as best you could.
“Hey, y/n?” You heard benny’s voice break through the numbness.
“Sorry, what?” You were embarrassed that he caught you blatantly ignoring what he was saying.
“I was asking if you were able to come to to the championship, but I think you’ve got other things on your mind.” He didn’t seem offended, more concerned.
“I’d love to, I know how important chess is for you, and I haven’t gotten the chance to see you get really competitive.” He would’ve been happier to hear your answer had he not seen straight though you.
“Right now, you’re what’s really important to me. Just tell me what’s really going on.” His admittance for caring about you would’ve made filled your heart yesterday, but today it made you want to run away.
“Nothing is going on.”
“You’ve been off the whole day, I just want to know why.”
“Nothing is going on. Why are you so convinced that there is?” Your tone became slightly more aggressive.
“Hey, you don’t have to tell me right-“
“Just leave it Benny!” You snapped, letting go of his hand and and walking away from him. You didn’t know why you took off from someone you liked so much, but you didn’t really know why anything was happening at all.
You were stopped as Benny ran after you and grabbed you hand firmly. You tried to pull away, but he was stronger than you. He spun you around to face him. You became acutely aware of the tears that had started to fall from your eyes. Looking up into his eyes was your breaking point.
You let out a sob before caving into him. You felt his arms wrap around you before letting him usher you to a bench. He held you for what seemed like forever, until you were too tired to cry anymore. He was rubbing you back and gave you a little smile when you faced him. You apologized and hastily wiped away your tears, but he insisted that it was ridiculous of you to be sorry. You still felt guilty after your breakdown, so you explained what was going on to make it up to Benny. You couldn’t exactly run away anymore, physically or emotionally.
“It’s my dad. I got a call this morning. He’s sick, but he wants me to stay here. How am I supposed to stay here, dealing with a new job, a new life really, while my dad’s back home dying?” You let Benny see all the stress you were under, ready for him to leave now that he’s seen you as a mess.
“All those things, you have to take one at a time. If your dad’s what’s important right now, just focus on that.” It was easier said than done, but Benny wasn’t the emotional type and he didn’t know exactly what to say, but he cared, that much was clear. You just nodded, trying to pull yourself back together. “Are you going to listen to him? Are you going to stay here?” You could tell that behind his question, he was scared that you would say no.
“I- I don’t know yet.”
“Whatever you need, I’m here.” He said as he gently placed a hand on your cheek. It was smooth and warm and you wanted to lean into it, but you snapped out of it.
“Maybe what we both need is for you not to here.” You didn’t want to hurt him, but your walls had rushed back up. You had so many things going on, and the last thing you needed was a boyfriend. It pained you to say it, but you wanted to be honest.
“I don’t have to be here as... whatever we have going on now... but I can be here as a friend.” As of today, romance was off the table for you, but a friend was different, and Benny wasn’t the type to let go of you so easily, even if a friendship was all he could get.
You just nodded and looked down into your lap, not knowing what to do now. Benny knew it was time for silence, so he held your face in his hands so you looked up at him. He didn’t say anything as he used the pads of his thumbs to wipe away the tears sitting on your cheeks. It wasn’t a romantic act, it was more endearing, a quiet action as if to say that he was willing to catch you if you fell.
You let out a small laugh at his little gesture. His eyes radiated a sort of comfort now that you he was edging into a part of your life that even you avoided.
With the intention of continuing your date that wasn’t really a date anymore, he grabbed your hand to pull you up from the bench. When he tried to let go, you didn’t let him. He looked at you curiously but he didn’t question it. You didn’t even know why you did it, still mentally screaming to push him away. You both just ended up going along with it, holding hands for the rest of the day until he walked you back home.
Nearly 3 weeks had passed since then and you hadn’t gone out or had contact with anyone. Despite your moment with Benny, you had still distanced yourself from him. Holed up in your apartment, existing off of gin, cigarettes, and frozen foods; ignoring calls, presumably from your friends.
You sat in the middle of the living room floor, forcing yourself to sketch. It had been therapeutic for you before, but now you found yourself more agitated as your drawings felt forced.
“Argh!” You yelled out into the room as you threw the papers across the floor. The one thing that you could always turn to was your ability to do art, and now you felt a block.
After taking a swig of gin, you laid back on the floor. You had turned to alcohol after another call with your father. He demanded that you stay in New York and that you go on with your life. Instead you felt like you were at a standstill, unable to keep going knowing that the one person left in your life wouldn’t make it another couple of months, and yet you were unable to see him. It made you hurt and angry that he didn’t want you home, but you wouldn’t go against his dying wishes.
You groaned when you heard the sound of the phone. You dragged your hands across your face when it wouldn’t stop ringing, forcing yourself up to confront whoever was pestering you.
“What the fuck!”
“Glad to know you’re alive.” Bennys voice greeted you.
“Can’t you tell when someone wants to be alone?” You missed Benny, but you were slightly drunk and your defenses were up.
“What someone wants and what someone needs are two very different things.”
“Well then tell me what I need.” You said sarcastically.
“You should come out with us. We’ve been calling, Cleo and Annette and the rest of us. We haven’t heard from you.”
“Well the reason you haven’t heard from me is because I haven’t been answering.”
“Funny,” he said humorlessly, “we all miss you.” He paused, “I miss you. And I said I’d always be here so I have to make good on my promise.”
You paused. You had to admit, you missed them and Benny too, but everything just seemed so scary right now. For all your philosophies and ideas, you were hiding from your own thoughts. Going out with people would only expose them.
“I can’t.”
“You don’t have to have a night out, but have coffee with me at least.”
“Benny I-“
“Great. I’ll be there in five.”
“What? Benny no-“ He hung up. The bastard hung up on you. His audacity was what actually made you laugh for the first time in days. After a minute of laying on the floor, you gathered energy to trudge over to the bathroom and make an attempt to clean yourself up. Looking at yourself in the mirror, you made a grimace at your reflection. You brushed your hair and washed your face, brushing your teeth twice to get rid of the alcohol on your breath. You swiped some face makeup to conceal your dark circles and changed out of the pajamas you had been living in.
You buzzed Benny in, expecting him to wait downstairs in the lobby like usual. Instead you heard a knock at the door in the middle of clearing things up. You got flustered as you rushed around to pick up glasses, pillows and other articles littering the floor.
“I thought we were going for coffee,”You said as you opened the door, panting slightly.
“I thought I would make things easy, come to you.” He said as he made his way in, slinging his arm around your shoulder, “plus ive never been in here.” He took a look around, making no comments about the state of your apartment. He made himself comfortable, going through your kitchen, presumably looking for coffee or something to eat. “Do you want anything? More gin maybe?” He said as he picked up an empty bottle sitting on the counter.
“Benny-“ you warned, silencing him. He joined you on the couch with some chips he found in the cabinets and a can of coke.
“We don’t have to talk about anything serious, I just don’t want you to be alone. For my own sake really.” He turned his head away from you while saying the last part.
“You know I should be a dick more often, I’m making you all soft.” You nudged him in the shoulder as a small smile crept up on his lips, lightening the mood. Something about him being there made you unconsciously drop your facade. You had to admit it was nice to relax for a moment.
“Hey don’t go telling everyone.”
You didn’t talk about anything serious like Benny said you wouldn’t. After a while you eased into laughing and chatting casually. Eventually the conversation reached a comfortable lull.
“I missed you too you know. I didn’t say it over the phone.” You told him. Having him here with you made you feel bad for your outburst. You admired his patience for you.
“I knew.” He shrugged as he gave you a sideways little smirk.
“cocky bastard.” You said jokingly.
“Your favorite cocky bastard” he tilted his head towards you as he lifted his brow, smiling.
“Top 3 maybe.” You leaned back like you were pretending to think about it.
Suddenly you remembered what you talked about before the little breakdown you had on your walk.
“The championship! Do you still want me to go?” You sat up with your sudden remembrance.
“Course I do. I didn’t know you would still be up for it.” Benny looked happy, but you could tell he didn’t want to get his hopes up.
“I didn’t think I was, but I didn’t want to miss you winning.” You ruffled his fluffy blonde hair. He gave you that cocky smirk again. You really won points by stroking bennys ego.
“Well we can drive together then. It’s next week.” He said it nonchalantly, but he smiled as he took a sip of his drink.
You paused, not realizing the championship was so soon. You thought you had at least a month. You didn’t feel as though you were ready to enter back into the world yet. Just Benny was alright but having to hold your own with all those people while Benny played scared you. Benny caught your hesitation and went to hold your hand. They were chess players hands, soft with long fingers that intertwined with yours. They were cold and his rings were a bit uncomfortable, but your breath still hitched a bit.
No. You said you wouldn’t get involved with him. Still, you kept your hand in his. It was probably the one mildly romantic thing either of you could get without risking the friendship falling apart at this time.
“How exciting,” you finally continued. You lifted your coke and you and Benny cheers-ed together. Once again that warm feeling of home crept in, that feeling you got when being with Benny. No matter how many walls you built up, Benny, someone you hadn’t even known for more than a couple months, had an amazing way of bursting through.
Just this morning you were firmly committed to becoming a hermit, and now you were planning a road trip. You chalked it up to Benny being special to you. No, you pushed that thought away again. Special in a friend way. That’s what you needed, and that’s what he was willing to be. You were in a state of conflict around him, shoving him away and holding his hand to pull him close. You shook off your thoughts and looked at Benny, and there was a moment where his eyes shone with admiration, and then it was gone as he turned his head away and continued to talk about one of his chess feats while you listened attentively, just happy to be around him again, even if it was unwillingly at first.
#benny watts x reader#benny watts fanfiction#benny watts imagine#benny watts fluff#benny watts smut#the queen’s gambit#queen’s gambit#benny watts#Thomas Brodie-Sangster
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Headcanon : Reader being nice to Floch even though he is jerk
Request : Well since Floch seem to be a type of guy who criticize people then how about he criticize s/o as well but instead of her getting offensive, she actually thank him for being honest since she’s a type of person who’s okay with criticism and also want the truth since some people usually don’t do it because they’ll feel bad that they know it’ll hurt people and that s/o is also a type of person who sees good on everyone including Floch even tho he seem like a jerk guy she still sees good on him and really curious in how would he react 👀
Author note : Hi there I’m sorry for taking so long, I needed some time of my own hope you’ll understand. I found your request quite interesting considering this part of his personality isn’t the most attractive. But still it’s part of who he is. Anyway hope you’ll enjoy this (to be honest I struggled to finish it lmao also yeah I'm trying a new way to present my post one day I'll be satisfied)
Update : Because I got so much fun writing his reaction from a reader who is thanking him for his opinion while he was harsh on them. In this headcanon, they started as companion but then it would be imply that both of them are together or at least something is happening. Hope you’re fine with that.
Warning : Cursing / Floch being a mean / mention of something that happened in season 3 but its vague
Disclaimer : Not because I’m writing about Floch means I understand what’s he done, I won’t accept his action but I still believe he wasn’t developed enough. I won’t accept any criticism because my anon asked for Floch or because I write for him. If you don’t like it then do not read it ♡
I got a headcanon that look like this so see this as the other version ♡
Masterlist
The way you seemed to always accept every criticism never felt to amaze Floch. No matter who criticizes you, you’re always acting like it wasn’t a big deal. Worst he even noticed that you were glad to be critized. His first thought when he discovered that you were taking different opinion with a smile was something like « what the fuck ? »
How could you take negative though that easily ? What was your secret ?
For weeks he strongly believed that you were acting tough but when you were alone, you were crying over each word you’ve been hit on.
He wouldn’t be surprised I mean, everyone hates being criticized it’s part of our nature.
But you weren’t like this, after weeks of believing you were a liar at pretending that critics didn’t affect you, he then discovered that in fact you were taking it with serenity.
« It would help me to be a better a person » you once said to him
He didn’t get it. Like who do you think you are ?
Why aren’t you acting like Eren or Jean ? Why weren’t you angry at him ? Worst, why weren’t you defending yourself ? What was wrong with you ?
The fact that you were smiling everytime he was mean to you was getting on his nerve. For fuck sake could you at least yell at him ? At least he’ll know you were human.
He didn’t why but seeing you smiling at him, thanking him for his negative opinion got his sick. He could feel his stomach twisted as if he could throw because of your sympathy. Did you pity him ?
He even once heard a conversation between you, Eren and his crew that makes him even more sick :
« You know, you shouldn’t let him talk to you the way he did. This isn’t respectful. »
« Eren is right, want me to teach him some manners ? If it’s for you i’ll do it »
« *chuckle* Thank you Mikasa but I don’t think it would be necessary. I mean yeah he got a way to say things - »
« He is talking to you like you were shit »
« I wouldn’t say it like this Eren but yeah you got a point. Y/N I know you saw good in everyone but you have to admit that recently he is being mean to you »
« *sigh* As I was trying to say, yeah he is being mean with me but his opinion was actually good. I mean yeah I’ve been too slow during our training and yes I shouldn’t forgot to pack some gas with us. My point is he was right, he just got a way to talk to people »
« Come on everyone makes mistake and it wasn’t like HE thought about taking Gas bottle too. He got some balls to says that »
« Eren is right Y/N. »
« But he was still right. I mean he forgot but I forgot too, if no one is meticulous in real battle it could be dangerous. Besides he is not as mean as everyone thinks. I can see it, there is good in him »
« Well he is doing a good job at hiding it. Remembered how he talked to Armin when he woke up ? That piss of sh- »
« *sigh* Yeah he shouldn’t say it the way he did but you need to understand his point too. He was all alone with his friends and his commander which he used to worship by the way, he had to run with his friends knowing he would die either from stone or because he’ll be eaten by a Titan. For him Erwin was a hero, of course his first reaction was to want him to survive. Caporal Levi did it too, he wanted Erwin to survive he only have the injection because Erwin told him too. »
« Maybe. But I still believe this man has no education »
« *chuckle* you used to be a little shit too when you first came, acting all cocky because you were about to kill titans but everyone looked through it and now we all love our precious angry soldier »
Eren then proceed to grumble something about not being angry while everyone was laughing. How could you say that ? Why were you protecting him ? Did he ask you to protect him ? No ? Then why are you seeing all those things at him ? Why were you saying that he got a point when all he did was telling you how shitty you were. He was bullying you why were you nice to him ?
The worst when he started to have a crush on you. Was he a sadist or something ? Why was he looking at you everytime you were training ? Why was he offended when someone compliment you ? You’re just in love bitch
Did he stop being mean at you ? No not at all, it would be out of character for him. BUT he started to be « gentle » about the way he critices you. For example he won’t told you that you suck at being a soldier because you were starting to feel tired because of the training instead he would scold you for not sleeping enough.
See ? He still gives you critics and some time he is a bit harsh but now you’ve noticed (even though you already did) that he was actually carrying about you.
So you started to thank him even more for his kind word, which disgust him. Why were you thanking him anyway ?
At some point he stopped trying to figure out if you were a masochist or just silly, he keeps scolding you everytime you did something wrong and he just shrugs each time you were thanking him.
But then you started to defend him even more, you weren’t just trying to justify his action by analyzing his behavior.
Now you were arguing with people who were telling some shit about him which surprised him. Why do you care ? He didn’t give a damn about some fools’ opinion nor should you.
But here you were explaining your point, trying to make them understand that no he wasn’t just a jerk and there were something more important to get to know. He froze.
« Come on Y/N don’t fool yourself Floch is a jerk have you seen him ? All he cares is himself. He is so fool of himself. Did you notice the way he is talking to you ? How could you defend someone like him ? »
« Because he cares about him and because I care about him too. You asked if I noticed the way he was talking to me, I did. He stopped being mean at me, and started to give me advice to help me during my training. He noticed my lack of stamina and told me to practice and sleep better. He scold be for always forgetting something and now I’m careful. All he need was to help me, how am I supposed to avoid fight when you’re clearly misunderstanding him. He is someone good, you just need to get to know him »
This time instead of feeling sick, he felt a little warm running into his body especially on his face. He felt … good ? He couldn’t explain it but yeah he felt right to hear you saying this even though he still didn’t understand why you were like this while you two barely talk together.
He wanted to confront you about.
Especially because he started to dream about you even more than before. That scene when you were defending him was keeping playing in his head, again and again. At this point you were always on his dream. Not that he will complain but he felt silly to be like this, like to him they were no way you were into him.
So one day when you two were cleaning the training room, Floch decided it was now or never. So after closing the door to be in « peace », he walked into your direction. Step by step he noticed that he got trouble at taking a deep breath probably because he was scared or anxious.
When he finally was in front of you, you noticed his frown and started to ask yourself what was wrong with him. He wasn’t so anxious, usually he came talk to you all cocky to correct you but now it was as if he was talking to Caporal Levi.
« Are you okay ? »
« Of course I am why wouldn’t I ? »
« I don’t know you look like tense. Did I do something wrong ? »
« Obviously yeah. I mean you’re always doing something wrong but that’s not why I’m here »
« Oh yeah ? »
« Yeah. »
« Then ? »
« Then what ? »
« Why are you here ? If you’re not here to scold me »
« I wanted to know why you’re acting so nice »
« I’m acting nice ? »
« Yeah don’t play dumb to me. I heard you talking with Eren and that bunch of shitty friends also I saw you with those stupid soldiers talking dirty about me. Why were you defending me ? »
« Why not ? I mean they are not angel either so I don’t see the point of being mean »
« But i’am »
« Excuse me ? »
« You said there’s no point of being mean about someone but I’m mean. Especially with you I remember correctly telling you that you being a soldier was a shame for humanity »
« Yeah that wasn’t nice by the way »
« See ? You’re smiling ! Why is wrong with you ? »
« What ? Because I can’t smile ? »
« No ! Not when I’m being mean at you that completely strange »
« Well then I’m a weirdo I guess »
« Okay I’m done I knew I couldn’t get anything from you »
« I’m sorry but I don’t see what’s wrong with my behavior ? »
« You can’t smile when someone is saying bad things about you »
« Why not ? You’re being honest. »
« But it’s mean »
« Yeah and ? At least you’re not trying to be nice with me when in fact you can’t stand me. I hate hypocrite I prefer when people are honest with me. Besides as I said before your critics were interesting it helps me getting better so I don’t see why I would be mad at me »
« I don’t get it I’m sorry, even if it helps you. You could at least slap me for being mean at you »
« Do you want me to spank you Floch ? »
« I- I say slap me and not like this I-I oh my god I can’t »
« *laugh* but you’re the one talking about slapping I’m sorry I didn’t know it was your thing I’ll take it in mind »
« YOU … Wait are you making fun of me ? »
« Maybe ? »
Then you just laugh and finish your duty, leaving a completely frozen Floch.
You’re kinda broke him, he didn’t know how to behave with you anymore.
Should he be glad because you’re not angry at him for being a jerk ? Or should he be concerned because you figure out something he didn’t want to admit ?
Again, he started to be less a jerk around you. But you noticed that it worked only for you. Floch was still… Floch around other people. He just tends to be soft with you, he stopped scolding you and in fact correct you each time you were doing a wrong move. And when you were loosing or forgetting something, he just gave you what you needed without complaining.
People were surprised, like they weren’t used to see Floch not acting like a jerk. They also didn’t understand why you weren’t treated like everyone else. Some of them got their theory but for now all they could notice was Floch not being as mean as usual with you while you were acting nice with him. For both of you that’s all matter
#request#attack on titan#attack on titans#aot#shingeki no kyojin#snk#Floch Forster#Floch x reader#floch forster x reader#aot x reader#snk x reader#Eren Jaeger#Floch x y/n#Floch x t/p#aot Floch#snk Floch
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10/18/22
Today was an absolute clusterfuck. After I wrote my journal last night, and recovered from the panic attack I had while writing it, I proofread it a few times. Like 4 times. And studied it. I went to text my mom and thought it was probably a bit too early to bother her. I ended up calling around 9:30. I was still kinda high and super sleep deprived. I told her about the panic attack, my theory on what caused it, what it was protecting me from. The vet. And... she connected it to medical stuff. Because we both share medical trauma. I won't share her trauma, that's hers to disclose, but mine was the whole getting kicked in the shin at a metal show and a week later going to the ER and the ER docs demanding I choose between exploratory surgery to free the clot (which could kill me instantly if they fucked it up) or to take off my right leg at the knee. Like... amputate.
So... yeah, I do have medical trauma. And problems with bad experiences with doctors. But it doesn't really control me too much. Right now, this one is way worse.
Hearing about hers, and seeing how wide it had spread. It was a lot to carry. I don't fault her for sharing at all, and I made a point to address that with her. It's very special and personal. But at the moment, not unlike the moment I'm in now... I was very hypersensitive. And the combination of traumas kinda just crashed the system. Her intentions were to meet me in the middle, to be vulnerable with me to make me feel safe and not alone. And it worked, but the carrying her emotions on top just kinda did me in. I was too sensitive. So it was really tricky to work through, and it triggered a few more panic attacks.
I'm guessing I'm kinda in a PTSD episode or something. It's hard to describe. I'm very very emotionally sensitive. So much that I didn't "risk" smoking tonight.
I'm trying to... "protect" myself from negative entertainment, which feels like trying to protect a child or something. I feel very infantile, vulnerable, weak. The shame from feeling this way just compounds it, makes me feel like people are going to be mean to me or lecture me because of it. Because I'm a grown man, you know? Not supposed to have feelings. You shove that shit down, man, don't be a pussy. What, you're afraid of confronting the biggest loss you've ever suffered? Don't be a baby. Just go to the vet.
So... my mom tried to help her best, but I don't think she's remotely used to dealing with emotions. Not sure if she ever learned. It is what it is. So... really... I'm kinda just daydreaming right now of having a girlfriend who's down to hold my hand and rub my back and let me put my head on her lap. And to tell me everything's going to be okay. I had that once. And as horrible as everything else was... as much as I'd never go back... that memory is just running clearly in my head right now. I miss that, and I would never have gotten through those moments in one piece without that.
It's all I really want in life, really. Genuine caring, emotional comfort, affection. Love. Fuck money, fuck fame, fuck degrees, fuck accomplishments. I just want to sit by a river on a summer day with someone who I can look right in the eye and know is exuberantly loving that moment as much as I am. There's no place else they'd rather be. That's all I want.
So yeah, I got like a 3 hour nap in since I last wrote. I'm using the tincture tonight. I've been super anxious all fucking day/night. Like constant. I poked my head around a corner and locked eyes with Grief again. And it is manifesting much more fear-focused than depression-focused this time. I'm sure the lack of sleep is helping....
I put on a nightlight. I want to be a jerk and bully myself because of that too. My thoughts just go so fast when I'm anxious, it's hard to keep up with them. I guess I keep going back to that. Being a really sensitive person.
I'm watching a streamer who... isn't. At all. And it's on like 24/7 because he's doing a subathon. He can be hilariously funny, and very smart, but I'm afraid the vibes he puts off might be fucking with me a bit. It's hard, because I really got pulled into his storylines he's been building, and I really want to see them resolve... But I might have to just... find other media to consume for a bit. Mix it up. Something a bit more emotionally friendly. So maybe that's where my inner bully is feeding from.
I project that so much, and I really want to just chill with it. It's really hard. Like... that fantasy in your head that if you get on stage at a microphone at an open mic night and sing a solo guitar song... somehow you're gonna fuck it up so bad that everyone boos and you have to run out beet-red? Somehow? That kind of social anxiety. Projecting your inner critic/bully - who is literally doing that to you in that moment - onto complete strangers, assuming they're going to act that way. It's hard to shake.
And seeing bad people in the world... it just... reinforces that voice. That it's right, people will act that way.
Fuck, I just have to get around good people. And have good social experiences. I keep ending up around people who just like... throw me under the bus. And I think I'm bad at reading it, seeing it coming or something. So... maybe I'm subconsciously practicing? Studying?
This time of year is usually pretty rough. Lots of difficult anniversaries, and a birthday. This type of thing does tend to happen this time of year, I get a lot more worried and focused on planning... I think, I don't know, I haven't really explored this much. I always felt like it would just turn into a crutch like it does for most people. "I'm just like this this time of year, so deal with it", that kinda thing. I guess it's all in your intentions, in the end.
I'm actually fading. I'm beyond tired. I'm going to try to sleep in the dark tonight. With a salt lamp on, to hopefully make me feel more safe. I really don't feel safe anymore. It's a problem. We'll see what comes in one month. Yep, giant adrenaline spike just thinking about moving, too.
This just feels like exhaustion all around. Mental, physical, emotional, spiritual. I'm just... tired. And feel very vulnerable, so I'm very scared. And alone. And all I'd really like is just to like... have someone man the helm while I take a break and recover, protected and helped. With someone at my back. Not just... when I sleep, everyone sleeps. When I sleep, I'm just vulnerable. My body is alone, watched over only by a cat. I'm unconscious, anything could happen. It's... a tough one. But one with no easy fixes, in my life.
Sorry for having it just be darkness and blah tonight. I really just need some positive people time. I'm supposed to go to an art gallery with my mom tomorrow, and I hope I rest up and we do. I need more positive memories, and I need to see the good in the world. And create a bit more.
Crazy to think that my birthday - possibly one of the coolest moments I've had in my life - was just 5 days ago. And I've fallen so far. It's like... once you've had a taste of what life should be like every day? It just makes it so much harder not to have it when you really need it.
So, if you have any spare good vibes to send my way, I'd really appreciate it. I'm in a dark, scary place. And when I recover, I will be more than glad to repay the favor. And throw in some cool art and music, too - to make up for the awkwardness of messaging a stranger. Sound like a deal?
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