ninaleenova - Tumblr blog

ninaleenova · 5 months

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1 year sober

By the grace of God, one day at a time 🙏💖

Never thought I was an alcoholic until I almost died drowning in the brine, now I'm a pickle that can never turn back into a cucumber 🥒

I need a sponsor to read the label of my pickle jar and tell me I'm full of shit and give me suggestions and I get to pray for the willingness to actually follow those suggestions because I have to on order to survive

I get to pray to God to direct my egoic alcoholic way of corrupt thinking because otherwise I'm queen on the mountain top demanding you to bend to my will

I get to do a fearless and moral inventory to find out how much of an indignant belligerent professional victim and martyr I am and the entitlement to being a selfish self-pitier who wallowed in her selfcenteredness because my pain and ego are the only thing that matters

I get to find out how much I became a sexual and emotional predator the same way I was preyed upon and have the audacity to cry in victimhood over the consequences of my actions

I get to be present as a parent and a worker among workers today

I get to actually pull my head out of my ass long enough to help someone else without any motivation aside from trying to be a decent human and keep someone alive which keeps me alive in return

I get to have boundaries and confidence and not victimize myself with my own shitty decisions

I get to have a solution to my problems and trauma today

I get to come back to my spiritual creator that loves me unconditionally no matter what and always will and feel that wholeheartedly

I get to love myself unconditionally for once

Most of all. . . I get to be fucking Sober

One day at a time, just for today, and I get to come back because I get to stick and stay

🙏💖

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ninaleenova · 7 months

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Sometimes I remind myself when I am at my most depressed and felt like taking permanent solutions to temporary problems. . .

That moments like this would have never existed if I did.

Thank you for being here today, whoever is reading this and feeling down and low. Life is hard and the choice to stay here and live another day is not an easy one to make.

So thank you for being here! 🙏💖

I love you! 🙏💖🥰

Call 988 if you need to vent out your Big Feelings instead of letting them give you emotional sepsis and press option 1 if you're a Veteran!

I believe in you!

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ninaleenova · 7 months

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Awkward Family Portrait of the Year, right here

It needs to be framed and passed down to my potential grandchildren.

If this isn't love then IDK what is.

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ninaleenova · 8 months

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Activists in Tasmania have stuck up more honest promo stickers inside Coles & Woolworths stores, the two dominant supermarket chains in Australia.

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ninaleenova · 8 months

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Truth is. . .

I wish I could tell you I stopped feeling this way.

I wish I could tell you that the psych word and getting sober made it all go away.

I wish I could tell you that getting closer to a God of my understanding, or rather the Game Dev of my understanding, has made it so these feelings or thoughts never came up again. . .

But that isn't true.

Truth is. . . I still want to kill myself. It's not that I necessarily really want to die it's just that sometimes the pain gets so big that I don't want to be alive.

My Game Dev wouldn't allow me to die, apparently my save-state in this universe has me alive--I certainly can't drink over it or use drugs, this includes marijuana unfortunately--and I can't go to the hospital again because I have bills to pay and I'm already in arrears with my rent. . .

So what else am I supposed to do besides feel my feelings and process them and actually cope and do everything I can to use my tools?

I can't magically wish it away, it doesn't work like that. You can't magically wish away cancer, mental health illness is the same thing as any other type of debilitating disease you just can't see it and the only manifestation are the behaviors and feelings, not necessarily anything physical.

I'd love to tell you that it got any easier, it really hasn't it's just my resilience has increased apparently by the grace of my Game Dev.

Not every day feels like this but every day has been feeling like this to some degree for quite a while now.

The thoughts don't go away, the medicine certainly does help otherwise I would be worse off than I am which is insane for me to think about.

My first attempt was at 7 years old, I am now 31. I pray everyday that my game does forces a patch update and my coding and updates my firmware and eradicate my bugs that lead me to think this way but the bugs and errors keep popping up and the same occurrences keep happening but that's okay.

I pray that my system does not cease functioning, and I pray that I don't try to take a permanent action to temporary problems again and end up corrupting my CPU and just be a blank state vegetable where my power runs but there's no processing behind it.

I know I have to keep fighting and I know I have to value myself and it isn't just about who relies on me.

No human power can relieve me of myself, not even myself, I just have to choose different small little things everyday.

To any other brave soul that maybe out there going through the same thing that's reading this, thank you for being here today and I love you.

#alcoholism #keep coming back #one day at a time #spilled thoughts #writing #addiction recovery #easy does it #diary #recovery #recovering addict #mental health #mental illness #suicide #depression #tw depressing thoughts #truth #spilled writing #spilled words #honesty

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ninaleenova · 8 months

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Amends

Sometimes the best apology you can give to someone--the best way you can make amends to them--is by leaving them the fuck alone.

But Hell that is hard to do when you care so deeply that you want to reach out.

But that WAS the entire problem. . .

I cared so deeply that MY feelings and MY wants and MY perspective is ALL that mattered to ME, ME, ME. . .

It takes two to tango, yes. . . But I see my part and am now WILLING to respectfully Fuck Off.

Because when you love a person, like truly love them, sometimes you have to understand that you have to Fuck Off and let them go and never bother them again.

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ninaleenova · 8 months

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Helping others/Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves

You knowing the recovery journey is working when you hit your resentment inventory and you feel like regurgitated vomit emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.

At least, this is how it is for me and it has been confirmed by many others that this is pretty on par for the course.

I never liked admitting that I was actually the creator of some of my drama, I never liked admitting that maybe I wasn't actually justified in being a spiteful douchebag with how other people harmed me, I never liked admitting that maybe even if I mean well for somebody, that's still a form of manipulation and control because some people just don't want to get better and it's not my job to fix them because I want them to be better for me.

By this point it's been 18 years since my first drink at 13 years old, for 17 years I used some form of substance to tranquilize anything and everything about myself, I even attempted to use relationships as a malformed himself soothing mechanism. . .

Even when I'm not drinking or getting incredibly stupidly High, I still have all of these rather yucky behavioral patterns that I never liked to admit but I have to in order to get better like exposing a festering wound that desperately needs to be treated because now it has gained sepsis and took over my entire being and is killing me.

Yesterday and today I was all up in my feelings. Yesterday I was riddled with isms and ended up learning how even when I don't drink, I can still orchestrate my entire life and convince myself of how important myself will is and take myself too damn seriously and go against the stream of life to do what *I WANT* not what is necessary or beneficial for others, including myself.

Lamenting that decision and honestly wanting to die over it but that's not an option, drinking most certainly isn't an option, and I can't just throw myself back into a hospital because I have bills to pay.

So what am I feasibly actually left with?

Actually talking with somebody and dealing with it and doing the next right thing and praying and meditating and just being where my feet are.

I tossed and turned with being all up in my feelings today and lo and behold I ended up getting an SOS call and she and I have been dealing with the same thing and basically helped each other out, I helped a friend understand that his pathway to recovery is valid no matter what anybody else has to tell him because it's what works for him, and then I had another call or I understand the nature of one of my friends that has stage 4 endometriosis and actively praying with her on the phone.

I don't have all 12 of my steps done, but if I want to keep any of what I have I'm going to have to give some of what I've had acquired away just so I can keep it.

That's how it works. I'm able to look at my side of the street and all of my mistakes past and current and help the next person. I'm able to help a friend who doesn't have addiction understand the utter delusion of what it's like. I'm able to help a friend understand that his pathway of recovery doesn't have to look like mine or anybody else's as long as it keeps him healthy and stable and that no matter what I don't judge him because this life business is fucking hard.

I've come to understand that my decisions that lead me further away from a drink or closer to a drink AKA closer to satisfaction or further from satisfaction are really critical. I have to come to be more attuned with the understanding of what goes inside of myself and that the more I feel the melody, the more I'm actually going against the grain of what I think I need by doing all of the yucky little things riddled with my isms and letting myself will pilot my vessel as opposed to the will of the Creator.

This journey has been awesome and it has been awfully difficult at times, but it's been amazing no matter what because today I don't have to put myself in the garbage disposal because I have a broken heart or a stressful day at work or have issues with my landlord or have a day ending in Y.

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ninaleenova · 8 months

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prayer & meditation

Step 11: "Sought through prayer and meditation to increase our conscious contact with God--as we understood Him--praying only for the knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out."

Through meditation, I have come to understand that deep inside of myself lies a girl who is so entirely emotionally malnourished and frighteningly feral that I had tranquilized for most of my life instead of tending to her sickness and loving her unconditionally for who and how she was.

Some days where I am the most restless, irritable, and discontent, she emerges snarling and the healthiest way she can find peace is allowing her space among the wild.

And then I take her ass to a meeting to talk to the other snarling beasts.

#alcoholism #keep coming back #one day at a time #spilled thoughts #writing #addiction recovery #diary #easy does it #recovering addict #recovery #nature #nature photography #photography #amateur photography #niagara river

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ninaleenova · 8 months

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To Thine Own Self Be True

Inside of me still lives the aching 13 year old girl who took her first chugs of SoCo, hiding in the bathroom, in an attempts of self harm which kick-started a 17 year spiral she never seen coming as she sat in the passenger seat on a hot wheels track through utter Hell.

By the Grace of the Creator, I never have to abandon us to the Bewilderments of Oblivion again.

#alcoholism #keep coming back #one day at a time #spilled thoughts #writing #addiction recovery #diary #easy does it #recovering addict #recovery #reflection #milestone #Honest

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ninaleenova · 8 months

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[one is too many] (there is a solution)

One is too many, Thousand is never enough

Always will be an alcoholic, but today I'm not black out drunk

"But For the Grace of God, Therefore go I"

Today there's a solution, because for me. . . To drink is to die.

[one is too many] (there is a solution) TDD 9/1/2023

#alcoholism #poetry #spilled thoughts #spilled ink #spilled poetry #spilled words #spilled writing #writing #original poem #recovery #addiction recovery #recovering addict #keep coming back #one day at a time #easy does it

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ninaleenova · 8 months

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9 months sober

Some days it feels like 9 months sober, other days it feels like 9 months that I white knuckle begged the Creator to give me the strength to NOT pick up

One second at a time, one minute at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time--all I have is this gift of the present and for that, I am truly grateful

Easy Does It, Just For Today

#sober thoughts #sober #clean and sober #soberliving #alcoholism #sobriety #recovering addict #addiction recovery #Milestone #diary #writing #spilled thoughts #keep coming back #one day at a time #Easy Does It #reflection #self reflecting

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ninaleenova · 8 months

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Happy birthday

To the woman I've loved for 15 years, may your birthday be as beautiful to you as your angelic singing voice is to the world

It's been almost 9 months since we spoke, but I love you all the same

I understand now; just because you hurt me doesn't mean I didn't hurt you too--I was belligerent

I'm okay that we're no longer friends, it hurts sometimes but it's probably better this way I guess

I can't live that life anymore and play the part you want me to play; vice versa

My Sobriety comes first, physically and mentally--I wish you serenity and beautiful fortune, always--my amends to you in person will come in due time

(Lol. I, I, I. May the Creator smack the Ego out of me)

#diary #Writing #love letters #Love #best friends #spilled thoughts #sober #sober thoughts #alcoholism #Recovery #Birthday #Keep coming back #one day at a time #confessions

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