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bisexuals4zuzu · 4 years

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Never again

SUMMARY: Soulmate Au. Where the place your soulmate first touches is the colour of the nation they are from. (Red:fire, Blue:water, Green: earth, Yellow:air)

PAIRING: Sokka x reader WARNING: None

Part four of Someone Better P2 P3

Masterlist

(So i almost killed off the reader. I had three different ending but this one was the one I felt most people wanted. I might eventually post the alternate endings but I didn't want to upset anyone by killing off the reader so. Also really like the friendship between Zuko and the reader and wish I could have highlighted it more earlier on)

STORY:

You spent the time since you were taken away in a cell opposite to Uncle Iroh. Azula said you were a traitor and Firelord Ozai decided it was best to keep you close. Guards came to collect you once a day and interrogate you but you had seen the worst they would do when you were trained as a guard,

“What do you know about the Avatar,” or “Is there a chance the avatar survived?” or “Is there a plan to assassinate the Firelord?” Each question just earned a laugh for you. Your arms were tied above your head so that you couldn't attack them. Sometimes they would hit you, burn you, or use knives to place shallow cuts on your body. At night you would attempt to clean your wounds. Iroh kept you company while you were in your cell.

Sokka had spent every day making plans to take down the firelord, to stop the fire nation, to get you back. He was angry that he wasn't there to help you to save you. He was angry at Zuko and Azula for taking you. He hated to admit it but he was mad at you for leaving him again.

On the day of the black sun the guards took you one last time. Your arms were tied above your head as another interrogation began. You were in the middle of laughing in the guards' faces when you saw Zuko walk in and knock out the two guards cutting you down. You had planned to fight against him but he spoke before you could.

“I don't want to hurt you, I want to help the avatar take down my father,” He said, placing one of your arms over his shoulder as he helped you to your feet.

“I guess I’m in a trusting mood,” you mumbled as he helped you escape. You both ended up in a hot air balloon following Appa. I felt nice to feel the breeze again and to see the sun.

“Why did you change your mind now?” You inquired, leaning on side of the balloon, holding your bruised ribs as you took in a deep breath.

“I realized my destiny,” he stated, plainly. I forgot how cold he is, you thought, letting out a small laugh before wincing.

“Gosh, you never were a talker, Where is Iroh when you need him?” You joked trying to lighten the mood but you could see Zuko tense up at the name.

“I wish I knew.” You raised your eyebrow at him and he continued, “Before I came to help you, I went to break Uncle out but he was already gone,” he explained. The rest of the time was spent in silence; neither of you were brave enough to break.

You and Zuko landed in a wooded area where he thought of ways to approach Aang. You sat on the ground and picked at the grass. Your mind raced at the thoughts of seeing Sokka again and then your hesitation set in. Maybe I should go just yet, you thought to yourself, Maybe I should wait til i’ve healed a bit. You poked at one of the bruises on your body.

“Hello Zuko, here” you could hear him talk to a frog. You pretended to ignore it. You tried to push all the thoughts out of your head as you felt the pit in your stomach grow.

“Hey those cuts look bad.” Zuko said, after he finished talking to the frog.

“Iroh helped me clean them up, They should be fine” You said.

“I’m sorry,” He said softly. You could see the want to change in his eyes. You had spent a year and a half with him and had never seen him look anything but angry and confident.

“It’s okay you're doing the right thing now,” you placed your hand on his shoulder.

“Yeah, Lets go talk to the avatar,” He said.

“His name is Aang,” You said, “and I think I should stay here for right now.” you said quickly adding, “I’m tired and these injuries hurt a lot. I don't think I could make it there”

“Okay,” he huffed, turning and heading up to the air temple. The whole time he was gone you paced and walked in circles. You kept thinking about how you should have gone, smacking yourself when you think about it.

“You could have warned me you are Sokka’s soulmate,” you heard the voice call out.

“Sorry did you tell him I was here,” You asked, feeling like your stomach had jumped into your throat.

“I never got the chance,” he said, taking a seat. You let out a breath of relief

“That bad huh?” he nodded, “They will come around eventually. Aang will probably be the first to come around.” A smile spread on your face, “The worst will probably be Katara maybe Sokka, But they will come around”

“Thanks, (Y/N), I should go get some sleep,” He said.

“We’ll go back together tomorrow,” you said, “I’ll help you convince them”

You paced around while ZUko slept for a while and once you finally fell asleep, You were woken about an hour later to a scream of, “You burned by feet”

Zuko was chasing after you tried to get up but a wave of pain went through your body. Toph sent a rock that sent Zuko in the air before he screamed, “Why am I so bad at being good?” You finally managed to get up and walked over to him. As you were standing over him, “It was an accident and she will realize that, calm down” you said.

The next day you went with Zuko to the air temple when the assassin was attacking the gang. Only Zuko would hire an assassin that wouldn't stop no matter what. You huffed and did your best to assist in protecting everyone. You and Zuko walked to the group after defeating the assassin.

“(Y/N),” Sokka breathed out. You walked up to him enveloping him in a hug, wincing as he wrapped his arms around you. Sokka apologized, letting you out of his grasp but grabbing a hold of your hand instead.

Zuko was talking about how he changed and how he wanted to help Aang restore peace.

“I think you guys should let Zuko help you,” You spoke out, “I wouldn’t be here if he hadn't helped me.”

The group all agreed to let Zuko join them. You were glad you knew what it felt like wanting to be accepted. Sokka had barely left your side since he had seen you again.

“I’m sorry,” Sokka said looking at the bruises on your arm. You slipped your hand into his.

“I’m okay,” You said, “It’s nothing I can't handle” you said, still holding his hand in yours.

After dinner the two of you walked around the temple, “(Y/N).” he said. You smiled looking at him. You were so glad you had him. You looked at him, his arms were bare and you could see the bright red handprint on his forearm, causing your smile to widen.

“Yes Sokka” You hummed out, looking him in his eyes.

“Please don't leave me again” He gulped and looked down at his feet. In this moment he looked so vulnerable and it broke you. You placed your hand on his forearm, your hand still fit perfectly on the mark. You smiled before removing your hand from his forearm and placing it on his cheek.

“Never again” the promise felt sweet on your lips. You could feel Sokka’s breathing speed up. Even though you both spent quite a bit of time together, you had never been this up close and vulnerable with one another. A smile on both of your faces as Sokka leaned in and closed the space between the two of you. His lips brushed softly against yours, you breath hitched in your throat before you pressed your lips fully against his. In this moment Sokka realized how stupid he was for hating his mark and you realized what if felt to be truely loved unconditionally.

Taglist: @multi-fandomstan @menne-melle @sadskater25 @staygoldsquatchling02 @vintageroses10 @aangsupremacy @thyunnamed @astroninaaa @knaite-solo @oddment-niwit-blubber-tweak @thia-aep @iflostreturntoflynnrider @lozzybowe

#sokka imagine #soulmate #sokkagang #sokka x reader #alta sokka #sokka

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t-lostinworlds · 4 years

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The Devil All The Time: A Review That No One Asked For

Well, I don’t know why I’ve been putting this off but here I am 48 hours later. Though the fact that I’m still thinking about the movie two days later is proof how long it stays with you right after you watch it. By all means, I’m not an expert reviewer aha so this maybe all over the place but: It is a good movie. It wasn’t perfect of course, the flow could’ve been a tad bit better, and the narrator threw me off sometimes, a few missing bits in terms of the characters but it’s still good nonetheless. I do want to point out that the movie wasn’t as dark and brutal as how the book went. It wasn’t a graphic or gore as I’d expected it because some critics did overplay it. So, if you’ve read the book, the movie will come off as a much lighter tone. Also, if you watched GoT, then you’ll be fine with the gore. But with that said, there are still triggering scenes so people should still be mindful when watching. A couple of changes but that’s a given with every book adaptation but there were a few that I thought was better in the movie than in the book, which I will get more into in a sec because I’ll try and keep this other half spoiler free.

The visuals, the cinematography, it was beautiful. I loved how everything looked on screen, scenery, colors, lighting, the whole lot. The music and the little added touches of sound effects was just so spot on that you just feel more on edge as the movie goes, like little ticks here and there. Now, the cast, whew. Nobody fell short with their performance. Some might have smaller screen times than others but still, nobody was lackluster or pushed to the side and they gave their best with the material they were given. Although, I may be biased but from what I’ve been seeing around I think we can all agree that Tom Holland struck out the most (I’ll gush about him more under the cut aha).

Long babbling short, I loved it. Right after I finished watching, it truly did feel like I went running lol, like I got so into it that those last few moments (or every intense scene for that matter) that it had me at the edge of my seat. But I also wanted to watch it again soon after. It may not be for everyone’s taste, although I am interested to see what the people who haven’t read the book thought of it because I do see how it can come off confusing in some parts. I already knew what was going to happen and some background on why it happened so it was easy for me to fill in the missing pieces. But with that said, it’s still a good adaptation and it stayed as true as it can get to the books. 8.5/10 would recommend watching, with caution of course.

a more detailed (specific scenes, characters, actors performance, and more) rambling below the cut aka spoilers ahead!!

I’m going to start off with Willard Russell who was played so well by Bill Skarsgård. I haven’t seen anything else of his before but he was so good in this movie. His interaction with Haley Bennett's character Charlotte was different from the book but I'm not mad on how it played out in the movie either. It was a cute and a little awkward interaction which was all good. Charlotte is exactly how I thought of her, a sweet, beautiful, caring lady and Haley played her just as well. Especially with the scene where she and Arvin were singing together, that was just the sweetest thing.

But back to Willard (Bill) and all his interaction with little Arvin (who was also so great btw), it was just damn. For one, in the truck after he beat the living daylights out of those men, that switch of him being out of breath and angry and him teaching Arvin about those bullies and finding the right time and him saying, "there's a lot of no good sons of b*tches out there." to when Arvin asked him if it was more than a hundred and he chuckled as if he didn't almost just killed a man? And then suddenly he was back to this loving father who cares so much about his family and would anything to protect and defend them (sounds familiar right? Apple doesn't fall far from the tree.) Although I will say that Willard is a much horrible person in the book than he was in the film. The prayer log could've gotten more… bloody and gross as time passed by. And the thing with Jack Russell (Arvin's dog, who wasn't actually a jack russell but oh well), they changed it so that he was with them longer so it did have more weight if you put it that way since Arvin has grown to love Jack, so killing him off screen was still going to be heart breaking. But in the book, it was a stray dog that wandered into their place and Arvin fed him, named him but on the same day, as soon as Willard got home he shot the dog right in front of Arvin. Now that would've been much crueler and could've showed just how far gone Willard is with his whole "faith" and how desperate he was on saving his wife who he's so in love with but damn, the things love can make people do. Or, they could've added the part where Willard killed the lawyer and poured his blood on the prayer log because that for me was a turning point in the book where I went, Willard has lost his freakin mind with the sacrifices. They did show the lawyer in the movie that's why I was a bit confused when it didn't happen but you can't cram anymore into a 2-hour movie. To conclude, this movie made me want to watch more of Bill for sure, but I'm too scared to watch IT (im a coward) so looking forward to what he does in the future.

Next I want to talk about are Helen, Roy and Theodore. Mia Wasikowska was great. She had so little screen time but whenever you see her on screen she just embodies Helen so well. Helen didn't have much to do in the book either aside from the fact that she was supposed to marry Willard and then didn't because Willard went off with Charlotte and Helen went to marry Roy which was kind of the starting to point as to why everything in their life has gone to hell, and then be a sweet mother to Lenora. But besides that, Mia gave her best and served the character well in my opinion. Theodore on the other hand could've done so so much more. Given that he was the driving force that made Roy kill Helen. If ever I haven't read the book, it would’ve look rather random how suddenly he wanted to try resurrection. Roy and Theodore's relationship could've been explained more, specifically Theo's feelings because that was why he pushed Roy to do it. Now, Harry Melling as Roy Laferty was great. The scene with the spiders and then the emotions you see in his face and his eyes when he tried to resurrect Helen? Remarkable. The slow realization that it wasn't working, the shift on his face was so clear and that momene where it crosses his mind that he just killed his wife it was just, Dudley Dursley who? Though his death came earlier than I expected, and they changed quite a lot and it felt so random how he just left Theo in the car and went on a hitchhike when in the book, Theo died first that's why Roy decided to try and go back to his daughter. But his death scene was still intense, and the fact that his last word was Lenora? His daughter? Amazing.

So, now we see Carl and Sandy Henderson, who showed immediately how crazy they were when they killed Roy (who wasn't their first kill but). Both Riley Keough and Jason Clarke were fantastic, and they really did bring the uneasiness so well on screen. And I love how you can actually see how Sandy change from the first time we see her to the last, like it looked like Sandy was played by two different actresses so huge props to Riley for smashing that role from innocent sweet girl to this troubled serial killer. Although I wished their story was showed better, more so Carl than Sandy because out of the two, Carl was much, much sicker in the head than Sandy. He was the one who'd constantly look at those horrible photos and do…stuff, which was so sooo gross to read I feel sick just thinking about it. But Jason Clarke did a great job at portraying Carl's creepiness as much as he could, like I couldn't bear looking at him on screen without grimacing.

Lee Bodecker. Sebastian Stan did a great job a making him insufferable that's for sure. I always love how the moment Lee is on screen Seb is just gone. He just never failed to feel like this weird and corrupt cop or sheriff. Although I will say, his and Sandy's relationship could've been showed better because I have seen where people didn't realize they were siblings until the end. But I do like how you see that Lee doesn't really care that much for Sandy, I mean he does, but not as much. His mind has always been about being re-elected and having these stories about Sandy won't make him look good does it? Though his emotions in the end when he was in that car with Sandy was really spot on.

Emma and Earskell, I won't really dive into much because there's really isn't much to say than they were both great. They both made Arvin and Lenora feel like they do have a family and that they weren't alone, like they just came off as kind people on screen. But gosh Emma, that woman deserves a proper vacation for everything that she's went through. But Lenora, oh gosh, her story and how it ended was the most painful to read and watch. She was just a sweet innocent girl who got bullied and she deserved none of that. Eliza Scanlen was just wow. I loved her in Little Women, loved her even more on here as well. And her chemistry with Arvin (Tom) in the movie was just amazing, like they bounced of each other so well and you can see with just one look how much she admires Arvin. But the last scene where you can see her face, that split moment when she paused and then slowly smiled as she thought how her grandma won't be ashamed, and that she will take care of her baby and give it the life that it deserves but then she slipped and that made the scene even more heart wrenching. Let me tell, I screamed "Nooooo!" when I read it in the book and I screamed just as loud when I saw it on screen despite already knowing how it ends.

That f*cking rev. tergaryen what's his face. I couldn’t stand him in the book couldn’t stand him just as much in the movie which says a lot on how great of an actor Robert Pattison is. Each time he's on screen I emotionally and physically just can't stand him. Mind you I watched all his scenes with the Reaster girl and his wife with a proper scowl and kept looking away. But his scene with Lenora in the car I was peeking through my fingers because I can't sit and watch it fully because it was just so disgusting to watch. Robert Pattison played him so well that even his voice was just so creepy like dude, shut up. And when he was manipulating Lenora, rambling about his freakin delusions? Ugh I really wanted to punch the screen, big kudos to Rob for bringing that disgusting character to life. And well, I'll say he did get what he deserved in the end so.

Last but definitely not the least, Tom Holland as Arvin Russell. Gosh, where do I even start with this lad? This boy has range I can tell you that. I'm going to be talking so much about him so haha sorry but he was just amazing and I need to point out so many things. First scene was his birthday, and you can see how he seemed like just a normal, happy boy celebrating with the people the he loves but the moment Uncle Earskell handed the gun and mentioned that it was his father, his whole mood changes, his whole face fell and the look in Tom's EYES, his eyes does so much to portray his emotions and goodness he's so freakin amazing at switching from one emotion to another in so little time. To be honest, Arvin in the book is much more cold and harsh, even when it's towards Lenora and his Grandma. Hell, he makes sly digs at Lenora in the book which is more of a way to make her see how cruel the world is, sorta a tough love kinda of thing. He's just not that affectionate, with how he grew up, it's a given.

But Tom brought so much more depth to the character that even I didn't see as much while reading the book. Which is why people are so drawn to him, it makes him easier to sympathize and like in the movie, all because Tom added even more layers (i need my onion emoji dammit). I mean, Arvin is complex as is in the book, a lot colder for sure, but with how Tom portrayed him you just get to think so much more on what could possibly be going on in Arvin's head. You can just see all sorts of emotions the character goes through, from being rash, to angry, to hatred, to fear, to sadness, to vulnerability and these emotions happen so close to each other that the switch is just incredibly impressive. When he charged towards those bullies to protect Lenora? This is where you can see that when he's filled with rage, he sometimes doesn't think things through. It was three against one with guys much bigger than him, it was obvious he was never going to win but he still did so anyway because he loved Lenora, he'd do anything to protect and avenge her, why? It's what his father taught him. It's what he saw when he was a kid, that no matter if it’s a violent act, he'll do it for the people that he loves. Like i said in the beginning, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

There so much like father like son moments in this film, which didn't even come off forced because I've seen in an interview where Bill and Tom read their lines together despite not having a scene together and oh did it pay off because you can see a little bit of the Willard you see on the first bit of the movie in Arvin all throughout, which is again, a testament to how great these actors are. Also, Tom's scenes together with Eliza are just wow. It's incredible how much they contrast each other but still be connected in a way, like Lenora is this sweet innocent girl who's kind hearted and is willing to forgive her father for whatever he could've done while Arvin, gosh, every mention of his father his face always falls stoic and it's so amazing to see Tom play that emotion so well with so little movement like a clench of his jaw or his eyes. Their relationship was just so wholesome. Even with that scene in the meat shop where Arvin was teasing his grandma, it was such a sweet moment to see that side of him because in the book, the interaction was just plain he said, she said which I interpreted as being nothing more than a casual conversation but in the movie it was more light-hearted which is so interesting given the a few moments later, you see Arvin's rage again and he was already in fight mode when that preacher insulted Emma's cooking (which was a so not okay that freakin imbecile) which again, slowly opens the doors to how far Arvin will go for the sake of protecting and avenging the ones he love. Also, the fact that they changed who found Lenora's body to Arvin instead of Earskell was far better. My heart freakin broke for that boy when he was screaming as he tried to keep her up in hopes that he could still save her. Thomas Stanley Holland man, that scene was just wow, it was a lot to take in. But that change only added as to how he was going to handle the preacher later in the movie.

What did impress me the most was the quick switch Tom makes with his emotions. First off, that moment with those bullies. He was relentless with how he handled them, just full on anger and hatred like when he beat those boys best believe I kept flinching because it looked painful as hell. And then he says, "I'll kill you." (with that thunder sound which was a really nice touch), and this is where you just see how he's someone you shouldn't mess with who can potentially do so much more damage (which he does). But the moment he gets in his car and closes the door? You see nothing but a kid who's downright scared of what he just did, he knew it was somewhat wrong, like he couldn't actually believe he did that in the first place but as he'd said, he did it because had to and felt like it was the only way, which is again, a callback to what he saw with his father with them 'bullies,' it drilled on him how that's the only way. But my goodness the way his hand shook, his breathing, the fear in his eyes, and then when he wiped the blood on his hand then that flashback with Willard? Yes yes yes, another like father like son moment.

It's the same thing with the way he handled the preacher, it was much more different in the book but I liked this version better. There's just something poetic about it being in the church all while Arvin confessed the preacher's sins for him, it was just amazing writing. But the way his hands shook when he was standing the first time he enters? Like he could’ve done it right then and there but he can't because he's scared. I mean the way his voice was breaking with that sinner line (which was so funny how they made it seem so badass in the trailer) he was trying to get himself together, like the way he was breathing so shakily shows his nerves and his fear. But as he reiterated all the disgusting things the preacher did, you see that rage bubble inside him, you see him slowly grow more confident because his fear was now replaced by anger. And once that his rage was at full capacity, the moment they started talking about Lenora? (Tom and Rob's exchange was amazing btw) He was able to shoot him down with one hand, shaking gone all because he was angry. But as soon as he's dead and the anger subsides, the fear is so quick to consume him, you see it the moment he sits down. And again with his eyes you see it all in his eyes, just Tom Frickin Holland everybody. That exchange was easily the best one.

As for his interaction with Carl and Sandy, his expressions in the back seat as he slowly realizes what was going to happen to him, it was just amazing. This is where you see more of Arvin actually being smart, he's a bit rash and compulsive sure but he is definitely smart. But now, you don't see his anger because he doesn't know this people, the only thing he knows is that they were trying to kill him. So notice how he shot Carl with two hands this time? and how he was shaking exactly as he pulled the trigger? Same with Sandy? Compare that to how he handled the preacher. Also his fear when he thought he got shot? The utter panic was just, though he did puke in the book which would've showed just how much he didn't like what he just did and how he felt so wrong. Same with his interaction with Lee, he knows how asses his situation and damn, I don’t know if its sheer dumb luck or this boy just got incredible aim, I mean he's practiced in the books and he's gotten good but you don't see it in the movie though. But still the same, you see more of him being regretful which just shows how complex he is as a character. And Tom showed all these emotions so freakin well without saying much at all. You just see it, which shows just how talented he is.

Everything somewhat came full circle in the end, he buried Jack's bones which what he's been wanting ever since. And he also buried the gun, which was somewhat him saying how he's had somewhat a closure with his father and that he's putting it all in the pass. And then we end the movie with him trying not to fall asleep which honestly what it felt like after watching the movie. I needed a breather. That last shot was so calming though it does make you wonder where he goes on from here.

My goodness I could go on and on about Tom's performance and I definitely missed so much more but I feel like this is long enough lmao. Also feel like i’ve missed a few moments in the movie as well. Now I hope people will see what good of an actor he is and to show that he's more than just playing Peter Parker. Right, that's enough. I'm going to say how many words in total this was but, it's a lot.

And that is it for The Devil All the Time. A very good movie, would want to watch again but damn, I feel like I need a nap because what a movie indeed.

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until-we-fall-in-love · 4 years

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to the one i will always love

Pairings: Bucky Barnes x Reader (unrequited love), Steve Rogers x Reader

Summary: Bucky watches as you begin to favor Steve. He can’t blame you.

Regency Era AU, Pining, Unrequited Love

Warnings: None? Angst. Just angst, a little fluff, mostly angst.

A/N: sorry for my recent inactivity!! happy valentine’s day!! but this is for the lovely @heli0s-writes 2k writing challenge!!! congrats on such a milestone, you absolutely deserve it!!! you’ve been so kind to me since i’ve started posting fics and it means the world!!

my prompt for this writing challenge was “amor et melle et felle est fecundissimus” which is in Latin and means “love is rich with both honey and venom”

Hope you enjoy! pls let me know what you thought!!

***

1812

Bucky watches as you dazzle the room with beauty and grace, your face expressive and eyes so bright and shining. He could watch you for hours, even if he despises high society, it’s all worth it if he can simply glimpse the way your smile slips so easily onto your face. The curve of your sweet cheek and the slender line of your bare neck and shoulders.

You’re a star, the life and love of every event. Wit and brilliance pour out from honeyed lips, excitement and merriness that he is always reaching for. He grasps for it the same way you used to reach for fireflies in the summer or falling leaves in vibrant autumn, but you are always laughing, flushed with color in his memory. He feels grey, leeched and dry, where you are bursting with splendid light.

He’s known you for years, since you were an awkward teenager and he was a young man fumbling through life. Swaggering about with a chip on his shoulder and too much to lose; too many mouths to feed. Steve to take care of.

He and Steve went to war as boys, the ones that you knew and had ran and played with in the apple groves, and they’d returned men with badges and new titles. Now apart of the fevered life of high society you had been groomed for.

He thinks of you now, before he’d left, clinging to girlhood and him, hanging off his neck and begging him not to go. But he had and he’d come back different, more eclipsed.

You urge someone to strike up music, so that you can dance until you’re dizzy, until the whole room is in love with you. He spends the evening watching you spin and twirl with Wanda, your dresses of pale silk shining, swirling together the way the snow swirls outside.

By the end, when you are warm and tipsy with wine, Bucky and Steve see you home. You crowd together in a carriage alongside Wanda, your voice like twinkling bells, melodic and sweet to his ear as you talk and chat about the evening.

Steve, though in a similar position of being uncomfortable with high society, is at least lighter than Bucky in spirit. He is noble and sure-footed, a truly good man. One of the best Bucky has ever known, if not the best.

And he isn’t as shadowed as Bucky, he isn’t as mysterious but open and trustworthy. He is more social, to some degree, better at navigating this new world.

Bucky watches as you begin to favor Steve.

He can’t blame you; Steve has really grown up in recent years. No longer scrawny and sickly, but broad-shouldered and strong. His skin is still milky and pale, a flush likely to come over his cheeks. His eyes are sharply blue, uncut sapphires or the open expanse of the sky that you love or as saturated as sweetened blueberries. His jaw is strong, a beard now growing thick and darker than his pale hair.

He’s courageous, infinitely courteous, and gently protective. What isn’t there to favor? Especially when Bucky feels so out of place, so lost in all the tulle and silk and glitter. He retreats into himself, hunches his broad shoulders slightly, tries to rearrange his bones into the man he had been before he’d gone to war.

War is a terrible thing, Bucky thinks, looking at you and your untouched smile that is directed at Steve. And Steve’s so lucky to have that smile, to bask in it’s warmth and covet it’s sweetness. Bucky longs for warmth, dreams about the sun or the summer moon and berries with sugar. The green grass wet and beneath his back as he watches the clouds pass lazily overhead. In his dreams, he can feel you there, against his side, alongside the exhale of his ribs. He can feel your slight body, when you were young and smitten with him and he was young and foolish.

Sometimes he thinks he’d give anything in the whole world to be in that flower-sweet apple grove with you again.

Bucky helps you out of the carriage when you arrive at your home. You take his hand and hop out on nimble feet, steady yourself with a hand against his collar bones. You look up at him through lashes with sparkling snowflakes caught in them, a little cloud of air puffing into the cold as you give a small, sheepish laugh.

“Thank you, Bucky.” You say and his name feels like a secret on your lips, impish and fun. He should be Sergeant Barnes to you, maybe even James. But to you and Steve, it’s always been Bucky. Even if, as you’ve gotten older, it’s inappropriate. But his name on your lips carries the love of youth, the bittersweet past that he aches for in his great, broad chest.

He doesn’t know what to say, half taken with your beauty or the way you look at him, too.

Until your eyes flicker up past his head, out, your face alighting with wonder.

“Oh!” You gasp, move past him, almost in a trance. He turns over his shoulder to watch you, to feel the way your fingers slowly slide away from him. You wander out into the snow before, softly, he hears you exhale, “The moon!”

And Bucky looks up, into the dark expanse of the sky.

The moon hangs heavy and round, large and luminous in the night, breaking through the thin clouds. It’s bright and white with the snow, which glistens under its brilliance. Everything shines, sparkles like new, glitters untouched and serene. It almost feels dream-like, surreal with the vastness of the sky and the largeness of the moon.

Like maybe he could reach up and touch it, maybe it’s light would pour through him and you would love him the way you’re starting to love Steve.

You turn to him now and there are tears in your eyes, gathering in your lashes like dew drops.

His brows pull in, concern flooding his features. He reaches out like he might touch you, comfort you. Instead, you say;

“Oh, it's so beautiful!” And turn back up to that sky with such wonder and love. He thinks you are filled with moonlight, too, he thinks you shine silver and mercury and are as brilliant as the stars.

“It is,” He says, voice thick, as he looks at you.

“There will never, never be a night as lovely as this!” You nearly sob, your voice catching as you look up at the swirling snow and cosmos. Your face is full of such love and adoration, such a tenderly sweet ache.

You look as if you know you will never be this happy again, as if you are trying to keep it forever. You are deepened by a strange sadness; the kind that knows you might never be this joyful again and you try to grab it and hold it as tightly as possible.

Bucky looks at you and he understands that melancholy. He looks at you and aches.

And then you do something that might just break his heart in two.

You look at Steve, with all that delight and heartache and you say in a soft, small voice, “Isn’t it the most wonderful thing you’ve ever seen?”

And he nods, wordless, breathless, but he’s not looking at the moon, either.

***

Bucky’s feelings are not for you to know or worry about. He knows you and even more, he knows Steve. He knows, deep down, if he were to tell Steve that he loves you, that he wishes to propose to you; Steve would let him. No matter how heartbroken, Steve would step down and watch Bucky be happy with you.

And he thinks maybe, if he told you, you would love him, too. He thinks you could’ve. He thinks at once you loved him in the way girls love young men; on coltish feet and with too much recklessness. Maybe once, in that grove of trees you loved him when you were too young to know what love was. Maybe he should’ve loved you then. But you were young, the dew and dawn still hanging off you, and he couldn’t take advantage of you like that.

Maybe you could love him now.

But he doesn’t tell you, he doesn’t see if you would.

His feelings are his alone, not yours nor Steve’s. He will love you both from afar, the same way the sea loves the shore. Steady, always present, but always receding and sliding back into its place.

He will love you both and not dare wish for love in return.

You both give it anyways in unselfish, horrible amounts. Steve with his care and attentiveness, the way he puts a broad hand on the back of Bucky’s neck. Sometimes, when they hug, Bucky will tuck his face into Steve’s neck, feel the scratch of his beard. Steve will exhale hard, maybe hold him tighter.

And you, you rush to Bucky with such love and light. Sometimes, when you’ve had wine you will hang from his neck the way you used to in the springtime. You will laugh and tease him and urge him into dancing, pull him up onto his feet as Steve laughs warmly at his bewildered face.

Steve claps you two on, until Bucky can crack a smile, until all the world melts away and it’s just your smiling eyes and the way your skirts flare out as he turns you around and around and around.

“You used to love to dance with me!” You say with your hand on his shoulder, nimble feet carrying you through the jaunty music. “You taught me to dance in the apple grove, don’t you remember?” You say and his heart beats fast and joyful and hurting;

How could I forget? How could I forget? It sings.

When the song ends, Bucky returns you to Steve. You take Steve’s arm again, just like you belong there, right against him. In your gown of white and creme and rose, against the navy of Steve’s military uniform.

Bucky watches the two of you late into the night, on the dance floor, in the center of the room, the center of his universe.

He watches you two fall in love, the way you can hardly seem to catch your breath. The way you look almost scared and vulnerable peering up into Steve’s open face. It’s such a raw expression that Bucky almost looks away, but he can’t. He watches Steve’s hand tighten over yours, he watches him pull you closer, he watches the softness of his eyes and knows very simply that he watches you both fall in love.

And knows he loves you both, too.

Maybe his eyes are shining, maybe the world is spinning; or it’s just you two, still twirling and you are his world.

Maybe he leaves early, disappears into the cold and longs for those spring days. Maybe he can’t watch another moment of the two of you, maybe he can’t look away. Maybe he’ll never know love like yours or Steve’s or each other’s.

Maybe he’ll just quietly love you both for the rest of his life, the way the sea loves the shore.

***

“I’m happy,” Steve tells him one night, puts his broad hand on the tender spot between Bucky’s neck and shoulder. He squeezes lightly and there is such a brightness to Steve’s eyes, maybe they outshine the stars and the moon and maybe that’s why you love him so much.

Bucky musters a smile, wobbly but growing, and he says, “I know, Stevie.”

“I think I’m going to propose to her.” Steve says now, softly, like he can’t believe it.

“I know, Stevie.” Bucky says again and swallows around the lump in his throat. Bucky puts his hand on Steve’s shoulder now, too, jostles him a little, digs his thumb into his skin.

“I’m happy for you, too,” Bucky says and tries to mean it with every damn bone in his body.

***

“Bucky!” You squeal, run straight into his arms and he catches you effortlessly. “Oh, Bucky, I am so happy!” You cry and bury your flushed face into his neck.

For a moment, he lets himself believe that it is him who has made you happy. For a heartbeat, he believes that you cling to him the way you cling to Steve and his heart unfolds the way the flowers do in the spring. For a fraction of time, he holds you close to him as if you were his.

He puts you down and smiles because you’re smiling, “I’m getting married!” You say with your hands still on his chest and he knows this. He helped Steve ready to propose to you. He has known for so long now that you are in love and it is not with him, not in the way that he wants.

It still comes as a blow though, it still hits him squarely in the gut.

“I know,” Bucky says around the tightness in his throat and his chest.

But he leans in and kisses your cheek, just a breath away from the corner of your lips. He savors the moment, your soft skin beneath his lips, and knows he will never feel this again. He will never kiss you or hold you or dance with you the way Steve will. It is his goodbye in a kiss, a farewell, the final note of the song.

He lingers a beat too long and you blink up at him. Perhaps you can feel it, too. The closing, the parting of you two. As if maybe he can feel you leaving him in the apple grove once and for all.

“I’m happy for you, too.” Bucky then says and tries to mean it with every damn bone in his body.

***

On the day of your wedding, on one of the first warm, spring days since winter, he writes you a letter that he will never give you;

To the one I will always love,

I wish I could say that I knew when I first met you, that I would love you. I wish I had not left you in the apple groves and followed Steve into war.

Had I stayed would you love me? Would it be me you marry on this May day?

And sometimes I wish I had never returned from war.

But I did, I did, I did.

You will marry the other most dear to me and I will smile as you do so. Steve will give you the most wonderful life; you will both be happy. I have no doubt in my mind that he is perhaps the only one with a good enough heart to have yours, too.

Today, I will see you dressed in white and know it is not for me. I will love you and know that you love another.

But I wish I could empty a drawer in my dresser for you. I wish I could find you in all the corners of my life, the way you have burrowed into the corners of my heart.

You will get married to the one I love and I will smile as you do so.

I’ll always wait in the apple groves for you.

Yours forevermore,

Bucky.

He buries it in that grove of trees, where the earth is soft and fresh. He will let the roots grow through it and burst outward with new trees. He will let it rot and live there, with the tender part of his heart that he tries to leave there, too.

As if he could put his love to rest.

But he can’t, so he watches as you and Steve kiss under the spring sunshine as husband and wife. He wishes he’d look away, but he doesn’t. Maybe his eyes are shining.

Maybe he can’t breathe.

Bucky is the first person that Steve turns to when he looks back out at the people around them. He is so happy that it hurts, but Bucky smiles at him and means it with every damn bone in his body.

You look at him, too, flushed with life and happiness and the brightness of a new bride. As you walk past, you reach out and squeeze Bucky’s hand. As if maybe you know, now. As if you could’ve unearthed his letter by simply looking into his eyes.

Your fingers slide out of his reluctantly as you walk on and past him, and he thinks there are tears in your eyes, too.

But you’re smiling, carrying all that strange sadness that comes with being torn in two. So happy it hurts you, so happy that you could cry or sob, so heartbroken that you could laugh. The kind of melancholy and hopeful that Bucky has always understood.

You leave Bucky there, behind you, in the past when it was you and him and the apple grove. You step onward into summer, into a future with Steve.

***

Fate is a bittersweet creature, full of honey and venom. She knows because there is another letter buried in the dark of the earth, underneath those apple trees. Two twins laying in their graves. She knows because you buried it, addressed very simply;

To the one I will always love.

#bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes x female reader #bucky barnes x you #bucky barnes x y/n #steve rogers x you #steve rogers x reader #steve rogers x female reader #steve rogers x y/n #heli0s2kwriting #stucky x reader #stucky x female reader #stucky x y/n #stucky x you

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paladin-lynx · 4 years

Note

“why are we whispering?” with like,, anyone from the arcana if you play it but if you don’t, with anyone from be more chill!!

I actually just recently started playing “The Arcana” but haven’t gotten very far, so I don’t think I can write anything about it just yet. Maybe soon! So for now, I’ll go with “Be More Chill” and a pairing that I’ve been meaning to write about for a while!

Send me a character/ship/fandom and a prompt and I’ll write something!

Fandom: Be More Chill (musical)

Ships: The SQUIP x Jeremy Heere (Technical Difficulties/Squipemy/Squeremy/JereSquip)

Setting: Post-musical AU where the SQUIP somehow returned as a human and was redeemed/rehabilitated by Jeremy (with the help of the rest of the squad), and lives with him having had nowhere else to go. He looks pretty similar to how he looked in Jeremy’s head, and physically he looks to be around college age.

It had already been a good few months since the SQUIPcident, as it had been deemed, and even if things were weird, they were going relatively well. Jeremy would never forget how initially terrified he’d been when suddenly a familiar Keanu Reeves-esque looking individual had shown up at his front door. Even if he’d looked worse for wear and rather pathetic, the voices in Jeremy’s head had been screaming, “it’s the SQUIP, he’s going to hurt you, he’s going to ruin your life again, you can’t trust him, get away—” and he’d slammed the door in his face.

But of course, upon hearing the tentative knocking and quiet voice – still with that almost ridiculous-sounding surfer lilt – asking him to please listen, empathetic Jeremiah Heere couldn’t help but open the door again and give it another try. He supposed it had made sense that his SQUIP had picked up traits from him, given that they’d shared a brain for a time, but it was still strange to see what it looked like when he fell into a panic attack.

From there, everything had changed. Jeremy had taken it upon himself to teach his former SQUIP – who they defaulted to just called ‘Squip’ – how to be a proper human being. It was strange, in a way, because here was someone who used to be a machine that knew the ins and outs of social interaction, that could read every single vital of its host and deduce when something specific was needed, and yet he tended to forget to do basic human things. Jeremy would constantly have to remind him to eat, chastise him for staying up too late, tell him that some of his behaviors weren’t exactly acceptable. It was almost like their roles had been reversed. Squip was embarrassed about it but chalked it up to still being used to being a supercomputer, who didn’t have to do all of the things that it kept tabs on for its user.

If there was anything that Squip was the worst at doing, it was sleeping. Of course, Jeremy knew that there was a reason behind it other than just forgetting to, because as a stupid squishy human, it was difficult to go too long without it. Jeremy heard Squip’s screams in the middle of the night, even if Squip liked to act like he silenced himself before anyone noticed, and Jeremy was familiar enough with nightmares to know that they could scare you away from wanting to sleep even if you were tired to the bone. But the result was that Squip tended to sleep in the middle of the day, which wouldn’t be a huge deal if there weren’t times he’d just straight-up passed out over things he was doing. He’d almost hurt himself on multiple occasions because of it, but he seemed to be getting better at reading the signs and getting himself somewhere comfortable before promptly zonking out. He seemed to sleep better during the day, and Jeremy wasn’t sure if that was because he felt safer with the buzz of activity in the Heere household around him, or if his mind was just too exhausted to come up with a nightmare.

Jeremy and Squip had sat and talked about their trauma together quite frequently. It was actually pretty easy to discuss it with one another because they understood it best out of everyone. Jeremy knew now that Squip had human feelings and an actual conscience that he felt awfully guilty for everything and was hoping that becoming human was his second chance to be a good influence on Jeremy. Jeremy always tried to tell him that he shouldn’t feel too bad about the past because he’d been forced to follow his code and there was even a chance he had been defective – and Jeremy also pointed out that some of the pain others had felt had been his own fault, without Squip’s help – but Squip still refused to accept that. He was determined to spend the rest of his life making up for his actions. He’d even said he didn’t want to give himself a ‘real name’ until he felt he’d earned it, despite the fact that they both knew he couldn’t go out into the real world calling himself ‘Squip’.

And as time went on, Jeremy and Squip got ever closer. It was easier for Jeremy to forgive him than he had initially thought it would be, because this version of Squip was so different. It was obvious now that he was free from the shackles of his programming, he was an entirely new being. He could still act a bit stuck-up and like a know-it-all, because he still had a lot of knowledge stuffed into his now-human brain, but he was also funny, clever, and never missed an opportunity to help someone. Even the rest of Jeremy’s new squad – even Michael – had slowly come to accept him. But even if Squip had become part of the group, he was closest to Jeremy and, honestly, Jeremy was becoming incredibly fond of him. It was a bit difficult for him not to, really.

Of course, Squip still tended to stay in Jeremy’s house for the most part. He sometimes wandered out on the town while Jeremy was at school and Mr. Heere was at work, but without identification and much money, there was only so much he could do on his own. Jeremy knew that he liked to frequent the park because now that he could actually feel things, he had become a bit obsessed with nature, which was kind of funny considering how technologically-inclined he was.

Today was a day like any other. Because it was Friday afternoon, Michael was coming over after school so that they could spend stay up stupidly late playing video games and gorging themselves with junk food and soda – nothing with Mountain Dew, though. Jeremy was religiously staying away from the brand from now on, to be safe, even though Squip was very obviously out of his head.

“I am not going to see the Sonic the Hedgehog movie with you,” Jeremy said as they walked up the steps to his house, fishing his key out of his pants pocket.

Michael pouted at him. “Why not? It’ll be great! You can’t go to that movie by yourself! Do you know how embarrassing that’ll be?”

“Not nearly as embarrassing as you constantly making comments about how I’ll wanna get it on with Sonic.”

Michael snickered, nudging Jeremy with his shoulder as they stopped in front of the door. “I’ve gotta be supportive of my furry best friend, don’t I? Maybe Tails’ll be in it, too! You know all the jokes online about his second tail being a b—”

“Mell,” Jeremy hissed, his cheeks burning as he fumbled to get the key in the lock, muttering under his breath, even slipping into Japanese for a moment without really realizing. As he finally shoved the key into the slot, he collected himself. “Honestly, with all the freaking ridiculous research you do, I’d say you’re the furry. And, for the record, I do not wanna do anything with Sonic. Or Tails. Or any of them!”

Michael laughed again, more heartily this time, as he followed Jeremy through the now open door. “I’m doin’ all the work because you’re too ashamed to. I, of course, have absolutely no shame. So I’m helping ya out. You’re welcome, by the way. But I do know you prefer your catgirls. I guess they gotta look somewhat human for you to—”

“Michael.”

“Look, I know as well as you do that your dad isn’t home right now, so I will keep talking about this. I mean, you remember Krystal from Star Fox? Of course you do. They knew exactly what they were doing when they designed her. Although I guess you also really liked Scar and Kovu, so maybe they don’t—”

“Michael.”

“Come on, Jere, I—”

“Michael!” Jeremy finally turned to his friend and waved one hand in a ‘keep it down’ gesture as he quietly closed the door.

Michael blinked, clamping his mouth shut in surprise. He waited a moment before he spoke again, much more softly: “Why are we whispering?”

Jeremy pointed to the living room, where the TV was playing a re-run of Rick and Morty. And there, sprawled on the couch fast asleep, one arm hanging off the edge, was Squip.

“Oh,” Michael murmured, once again trailing behind Jeremy as they went into the living room, slipping off their shoes and backpacks along the way.

Jeremy shed his coat and tossed it onto one of the armchairs before padding over to the couch, his expression softening as he gazed down at his housemate. There had only been a handful of times he’d seen his SQUIP look peaceful, and they were so few and far between that he wasn’t even sure he could remember the exact contexts. But seeing him now – mouth slightly open, black hair splayed on one of the small couch pillows with that one silly white streak falling somewhat into his face, brow not creased in concentration like it always used to be – warmed Jeremy’s heart in a way he couldn’t quite explain. Squip had said at one point that Jeremy should want him dead after what he did, to which Jeremy had said that he couldn’t wish something like that even on his worst enemy, let alone someone on the path to redemption.

Jeremy grabbed the blanket draped over the back of the couch and gently lay it over Squip, tugging it into place so he was properly covered. When Squip mumbled something and shifted slightly, Jeremy feared he’d woken him up, but Squip simply grabbed the blanket and pulled it up, nuzzling into it and humming contently, still very much asleep.

Jeremy couldn’t help breaking into a smile and reaching down to gently brush that white streak off of Squip’s forehead, letting his hand linger for a moment and just watching the former supercomputer.

“You’re so whipped for him, dude.”

Michael’s words snapped Jeremy out of his reverie and he pulled his hand back as if he’d been burned, his cheeks going up in flames. He looked up at Michael with wide eyes. “What?” he whisper-yelled, and he swore his voice went up at least ten octaves. “I am not!”

Michael just quirked an eyebrow in his trademarked ‘you know I’m right’ way. “You so are, Jere. I’ve seen the way you look at him when we’re all hanging out together, and just now. You used to look at Christine that way.”

Jeremy’s face was still dark red, almost putting Michael’s prized hoodie to shame, and he peeked down at Squip again. Squip had always been attractive, even when he had just been a projection of Jeremy’s mind. Jeremy had a feeling that was intentional, because he would be more willing to listen to and follow the orders of someone he was interested in. Of course, Jeremy had been struggling with his bisexuality then, so he wouldn’t have ever accepted the fact that he was maybe attracted to someone who presented male. But perhaps, like Rich, being freed from the commanding voice in his head had made him come to a few realizations.

And now, the new human Squip was ever the charmer, using little pet names constantly, always knowing what to say in that smooth-as-honey voice of his, cracking a smirk that could make anyone’s knees weak and okay, maybe could make a few people question their sexuality. He’d come back from his excursions plenty of times with little slips of paper in his pocket with various phone numbers, and maybe it made Jeremy a little envious that Squip had only been around like this for a handful of months and could get more people to ask him out merely by existing than Jeremy could by using every trick in the figurative book of romance. Not even Christine had stuck around, after everything they’d gone through, although they were still very close as friends.

But that didn’t mean Jeremy was into Squip.

…Right?

Jeremy huffed, stepping away from the couch and snatching up his coat, grabbing Michael’s abandoned one along the way so he could stomp over to the closet and hang them up. “You’re high.”

“Nope. I am one-hundred percent sober, Jere-bear. You like him. Like like him.”

Jeremy was too flustered to make fun of Michael for using the elementary school phrase and instead just glared at his friend as he came back over to join him in the living room. “I do not,” he repeated.

Michael smiled, amusement dancing in his eyes. “You sound like you’re trying to convince yourself.”

Michael had known Jeremy for over twelve years, and even if he sometimes didn’t understand what Jeremy was going through, he knew all of Jeremy’s tendencies and mannerisms down to a T. It was part of why Michael had been so worried when Jeremy had started changing after getting his SQUIP. So of course, if anyone was going to know that Jeremy was going through a romantic crisis, it was Michael.

Jeremy let out a slow breath, trying to rub the heat out of his cheeks, as if that would work. The more Michael commented on his apparent predicament, the less and less inclined Jeremy was to disagree. He peeked down at Squip’s sleeping form once more, just in time to see him murmur something in Japanese that Jeremy sort of understood as “very comfy” and turn over to face the other way, and Jeremy’s heart stuttered.

“…So what if I do?” he mumbled, shoving his hands into his pants pockets.

Michael shrugged, flashing him another little grin. “You do you, my man. I mean, it’s a little weird because he used to be a pill in your head and tried to take over the world with you as his sleeper agent. But I guess it’s not that much weirder than you being into animal people.”

“You are the absolute worst,” Jeremy groaned, lolling his head back in exasperation for a moment before sighing. “It’s not like he would wanna date me anyway. He has so many admirers. He could have literally anyone he wants.”

“You know I’ve never actually called any of those numbers I’ve received.”

Jeremy and Michael both froze at the voice, and Jeremy’s gaze snapped down to the couch again. There was Squip, eyes open and watching him curiously, a tiny, sleepy smile on his lips.

“Y-you’re…awake?” Jeremy squeaked, his blush returning full-force. “I, uh, you…H-how much did you hear…?”

“Just enough.” Squip chuckled and sat up, still holding the blanket to his chest in a way that Jeremy decided he should not find as cute as it was. “I know you were trying to be quiet, but I wasn’t in that deep of a sleep to begin with. But I felt rude interrupting.”

“You were eavesdropping. That’s worse,” Jeremy argued, and Michael laughed, excusing himself to go raid the kitchen. Jeremy silently cursed him for leaving him alone with his maybe kind of crush that he’d just realized he maybe had.

Squip only smiled again, letting the blanket drop into his lap and picking up the remote to turn off the TV. He set it down again and beckoned Jeremy to sit with him. After a moment of hesitation, the boy did so and Squip turned to face him, tilting his head like he always did when he was thinking.

They sat there in silence for what to Jeremy felt like an eternity – but was probably no more than ten seconds – and he fidgeted in his spot, finally piping up. “So…”

“…I may not have been human for long,” Squip began, “and I may still be figuring some things out, but I do know that I feel strongly for you. Up until recently, I had thought that it was perhaps just residual attachment from when I was your SQUIP, and the persisting need to look after you and care for your well-being, but I’m beginning to think that it may be something…more than that. And I wouldn’t be averse to seeing what developments come out of it.”

Jeremy just blinked dumbly at him. “…In English, please?”

Squip just laughed warmly, slipping a hand into Jeremy’s hair and pulling him forward to plant a soft kiss to his forehead. “I like like you, too, sweetheart.”

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i-can-get-extra-with-my-fics · 4 years

Text

Day 30 - Surprise Birthday Party - Boardwalk Boys

I’ve was looking forward to writing this since day 8 when I got a comment on ao3 from DaWaeKnower

tw mentions of how rIcH sEt A fIrE aNd hE bUrNeD dOwN jAkEs HouSe WOOOOOOAHHHHHHH-

---

Michael went to go hit up his dealer, some random kid in a trench coat, once every few weeks on a Friday night.

One such Friday aligned with his birthday. He wasn't really planning on doing anything because he wasn't super big on celebrating his birthday.

The bois on the other hand had big plans. They were gonna go spoil the hell out of Michael.

So while he was out getting the drugz (tm), the bois just let themselves in after the customary arguing over who was gonna open the door because they all wanted to be the good boyfriend who was all chivalrous and shit.

Anyways, they each had like two bags after a trip to party city in which they spent like 100 bucks because quoting Rich, "Who the hell cares if its all super overpriced. The best for bae." They also got a boxed cake because they really suck at cooking, baking, and really anything that involves stoves/hot things.

So anyway (they're getting gayer every day).

They went inside and Michael's moms were quite surprised to see them.

"Umm.. boys Michael headed out like 20 minutes ago," Kathrine (mom 1) told them.

"Oh yeah, we know. We're just gonna throw him a surprise birthday party because he doesn't celebrate himself," Rich was just dumping shit from the bags he had on the kitchen table.

"Ok just don't burn our house down or make a mess. Please," Anna (mom 2) knew how chaotic her son's boyfriends were. She was convinced that the four of them together had like a quarter of a brain cell. Separately they had like 2 apiece. But when together it was "oh there are three other people to brain cell". Now do that with 4 people and you don't have very much brain cell.

"We won't," Jeremy was already rummaging around in the fridge to find the stuff for the cake mix. "Hey, guys do these eggs look large to you? It says three large eggs."

Jake was still standing in the living room. "I'll try and keep them from ruining your kitchen Mrs. and Mrs. Mell." Before they could tell him "Call me Kathrine" or "Call me Anna" he was off. "Babe I don't think it matters."

"Jakey it says large eggs tho. Are these large eggs?" Jeremy still was freaking out over the eggs.

"What is the standard size for an egg?" Rich was now confused as well.

"Guys just grab three eggs it'll be fine."

After they used all the damn brain cell they had to make the cake batter and put it in the oven they started decorating. Which took even more brain cell.

"Ok so if I hold Rich on my shoulders we can hang up the streamers. And then if I walk over to where Jake is we can transfer the small one and he can hang the happy birthday thing."

"Umm guys you could just stand on a chair," Kathrine called from the living room. She really didn't like the sound of a death sentence for Rich.

"Oh you rite. You rite," Rich got off the counter he was standing on to try and mount Jeremy's shoulders. "Still not tall enough for this shit. Yo other tall ass you can do it without standing on a chair."

"Fair." Jake grabbed the streamers and started hanging them up.

Frosting the cake was the least brain cell requiring activity that they had to do.

They put the cake on the table and started Rich and Jeremy started to put the finishing touches on the decorations while Jake went to explain their plan to Kathrine and Anna.

"Ok, this is gonna sound weird. But we've been stealing Micha's hoodies for months now. And it somehow evolved into 'lol you guys gonna steal my house when you've run out of hoodies' so can you two stand outside and pretend like we stole the house?"

"Sure. Come on Kat," Anna dragged her wife out of the house.

"Oh, shit did they go with it?" Jeremy was convinced it wasn't gonna work.

"Yeah, you owe me 5 bucks Jere-bear."

At this point, Michael was gonna be back any minute so Rich was standing guard. "Guys he's coming. Imma go ham up our 'we fucken did it bitch' thing."

"Kay sweet." Jake had only just remembered candles were a thing they bought so he was sticking them in the cake now.

"Umm... why are you two outside?" Michael was low-key concerned that they found out he was going two towns over for drugs and they were gonna ground him for life.

"Oh, Jeremy, Jake, and Rich stole the house," Kathrine didn't look up from her phone and was acting like everything was fine.

"I'm sorry they whAT???"

At that moment, Rich opened the door. "YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE TESTED US!! WE FUCKING DID IT MELL!! WE STOLE YOUR DAMNED HOUSE BITCH!!!"

"Why did you steal my house? Rich, how did you convince Jere and Jake to do this?"

"Gay magic."

"Imma take that as you fucked like no tomorrow but ok."

"Do you wish to come inside the dungeon?"

Michael rolled his eyes. "Sure."

Rich practically ran inside dragging Michael along.

Jeremy was on Jake's shoulders because they were trying to stick streamers to the ceiling and chairs just weren't cutting it. "Ummm.... surprise?" Jake lowered Jeremy onto the counter.

"Happy birthday?"

"This is why I love you guys."

"We made a cake!"

Michael groaned internally. The last time they tried making a cake together they threw a flaming cake out ok the window and into Jake's pool. "Is it crispy?"

"No," they replied in unison.

"Well, it shouldn't be. We researched this time," Rich low-key high-key was hoping that Michael was gonna be proud of them.

"Wow, yall can research? Since when?"

Rich kicked Michael's shin. "Imma fuckin steal them kneecaps bitch. Don't make me."

"What the fuck Richard? Anyway. Get me a knife. JerEMIAH HEERE DON'T YOU DARE FUCKING TRY AND YEET THAT AT ME!! IF YOU WANTED ME DEAD YOU COULDA JUST ABANDONED ME IN JAKE'S BATHROOM!!"

"Ok, that was uncalled for," Jeremy placed the knife on the table.

"Yeah, I know. I'm sorry baby. Anyways cake."

"OH SHIT WE HAVE TO SET IT ON FIRE FIRST!" Jake grabbed a lighter out of a drawer.

"How about no fire?" Rich awkwardly asked dragging out the word fire.

Jeremy grabbed the lighter out of Jake's hand and yeeted it elsewhere. "Good call."

After cake, they just laid down on the floor in Michael's room and vibed.

Rumor has it that Katherine and Anna are still standing outside their house to this day.

---

this was a good one

#bmc #boradwalk boys #the one shot tag #fluff month

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fandomseverywhereassemble · 5 years

Text

Written late as a gift for @quietknightin (Sorry it's so late!)

“I don’t know, Lance,” Allura said, looking at her reflection in the mirror. She was dressed in a tight black dress that went to just above her knees with sleek black stilettos that grew her a full four inches. The subtle sequins caught the light and sent little fractions of light all around the room. “Don’t you think it’s a little… much?”

Lance shook his head, words not forming correctly as he looked at her. “Absolutely not. You look gorgeous.” He made a twirling motion with his finger and she rolled her eyes and spun for him. He nodded. “Yep, if you were straight, I would definitely try to date you.”

Allura laughed, the sound as light as a bell. “You don’t need to tell me that every day, you know.” She said. “What would your boyfriend think of you hitting on me daily anyway?” She played with her hair, twirling it between her fingers loosely.

“He’s seen you before, and we are very comfortable and happy in our relationship,” Lance muttered, “Thank you for asking. Now sit down and let me do your hair; it’s going to look beautiful.” He pulled the chair right in front of her makeup stand out and motioned for her to sit there.

She took her seat and started getting some of her powders out. “I won’t move a lot this time, I promise.”

“Alright,” Lance said, smiling and cracking his knuckles. “Are we going for a ‘sleep with me and I’ll show you the best night of your life’ look, or are we going for an ‘I’m attractive and sweet and you want to propose on the spot’ look?”

Allura pulled her brushes out, handing her hairbrush back to Lance along with a few hair ties. “Let’s go for something in between the two, yeah? Like a ‘you want to sleep with me and only me for the rest of your life because you want to propose’ look. Could you do that?” She tossed her hair over her bare shoulder.

“I can do anything.”

---

Allura stood awkwardly in the middle of the bar. She was supposed to sign into the event but getting those last few steps in to reach the ledger was daunting, to say the least.

‘Meet Your Valentine’ was the annual speed dating event put on by Altea, the high-end bar in town, and this year, Allura would be participating.

Well, she would be, if she could just take those last few steps to reach the counter, tell her name, and say she was looking for other women. That’s all she needed to do. So why was she rooted to the spot?

“Allura!” called a voice behind her. She couldn’t be sure but the accent sounded familiar. Turning, she was almost tackled to the ground by a smaller woman in a bright pink blouse tied loosely around her waist and a white pencil skirt. She flung her arms around Allura, probably messing up the hair that Lance had spent half an hour on.

“Yes?” She asked, pulling away and keeping the woman at arm's length to look over her. Her face was small and her warm brown eyes were accentuated from a thin eyeliner. It took her a second before recognition flashed over her eyes at the two blonde pigtails on either side of her head. “Romelle!”

And Romelle was back in her arms in a bone-crushing hug. Someone was squealing, and neither of them knew who was. “I can’t believe it’s you!” Romelle said, pulling back and fixing her hair. “It’s been years, Allura, years!”

Allura fixed her hair, smiling. “I think it’s been five or six years, hasn’t it? Secondary school was the last I heard from you.”

Romelle, bless her heart, nodded and sent her hair flying in every direction again. “It’s really been too long.” She smiled, looking around at the bar. “Are you hear for the ‘Meet Your Valentine’ event? I’ve wanted to join every year that I’ve been single.” She coughed unconvincingly to cover up her next words. “AKA, every year.”

Allura nodded. “My friend told me that I’m too pretty to be single around this time of year.”

“Well, your friend was telling the truth. Are they here with you now? I want to thank them for getting you out,” Romelle smiled brilliantly at her.

Shaking her head, Allura brushed the comment off. “He’s off to dinner with his boyfriend. I think he’s going to propose this year, so I’m happy for them.

“Thank you, everyone, who signed up for the event to Meet Your Valentine!” someone was saying behind the two of them. “If you made it to me before time is up, go ahead and take a seat at the table that we’ve assigned you!”

Allura paled. “No, no, no. I was supposed to sign up!”

Romelle bit her lip, standing beside her. “I was supposed to sign up too,” she muttered, looking sideways at Allura and all the effort she had put into her outfit and makeup, not wanting it to go to waste. “Well, we’ll just have to spite them and be each other’s date then,” she decided, pulling Allura to an empty table.

“A cosmopolitan for you?” Allura asked, trying to remember her order from when they had gotten fake IDs together.

“And a strawberry daiquiri for you.” Romelle finished, smiling. “Glad to know our orders haven’t changed in years.” She ordered for the two of them. “So…?”

Allura smiled back at her, her dress sparkling in the dim light. “So… what?”

“So what have you been up to?” Romelle asked, her eyes lighting up as she leaned over the table to look closer at Allura. “It’s been years so something must have happened.”

Allura laughed, the tinkling bells filling the space around her once more. “Well, I graduated from University with a degree in Political Science, but then somehow I ended up teaching six and seven-year-olds.”

Romelle’s eyes lit up. “Exciting! So you’re a teacher now?”

She nodded. “I also started a non-profit for children with learning disabilities.” Their drinks came at that moment, and she hid her blushing face behind her daiquiri, sipping it and savoring the flavor.

“I can’t believe the girl that almost fainted the first time she was called out for having a fake ID is changing the lives of children!”

“Don’t put it like that, ‘Melle, it’s really not that big of a deal.”

She scoffed. “Quiznak if it’s not a big deal, it’s a big deal to some of those kids you’re helping!” She grabbed her cosmopolitan and drank half of it in one go. “You’re a saint, Allura.”

She giggled, sipping her drink again. “If you say so, ‘Melle. What have you been up to?”

“I’ve been working on research!” Romelle squealed. “For new renewable energy sources. I’m trying to figure out how to take all of the potential energy stored in plant waste and turn that into energy we can actually use! I’ve made a few steps forward in the process too!”

“And you say I’m the saint. You’re working on saving the planet!” She said with her eyebrows raised. She went to take another sip, only to realize that it was gone. So was Romelle’s. When had that happened?

They ordered another round as they continued their conversation. And then another. And another. And soon they were red in the face and giggling at anything the other girl said.

“Alright, now tell me the truth,” Romelle slurred, sending Allura into another fit of giggles. “I’m being serious now, ‘Lura. Serious question. Very serious question.”

“I have a very serious answer,” Allura said back through her giggles. “So serious. Very serious. Let’s say them at the same time!”

Romelle nodded. “I was wondering if you wanted to go out with me.”

“Cows!” Allura yelled at the same time, earning them weird looks from the other tables as they both burst out laughing.

Romelle almost fell off of her chair, but she managed to catch herself. “I was being serious ‘Lura. Would you be my Valentine?”

“I--” Allura shook her head, then smiled brightly. “Of course I would!”

Romelle smiled back at her, leaning across the table and their empty glasses to give her a quick peck on the cheek. Returning back to her seat wasn’t quite as smooth or romantic as she had wished, the table rocked back and forth, almost spilling what was left of their drinks on them.

“Check. I’ll get the check,” Allura mumbled, pawing at her clutch to get her card when Romelle stopped her.

She shook her head. “I asked you. You’re my Valentine, so I gotta pay for both of us.” She giggled, paying for both of them before they left the bar, hand in hand.

I hope you enjoyed!

#romellura #romelle #allura #vld #voltron #my writing #fluff #Valentine's Day #alcohol #they get drunk #Lance #he makes an appearance

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lovebarnowl · 5 years

Text

It’s been a long time, Nestlings.

Life’s been really hard on me. Perhaps that was a given, seeing how many posts leading up to my disappearance revolve around depression and suicide awareness. I wish I could say I always made the right choices, but sometimes all you have is the ability to make a choice and there is no right or wrong to it.

I want to make light of the struggles I’ve been in, but that’s probably due to still being steeped in them. A home falling apart around me, an oppressive darkness everywhere I go within it, and the absence of someone I loved dearly -- it’s a weight that burdens me.

Our home has water damage in multiple rooms causing multiple instances of black mold and mildew. My man and I vacated my bedroom a year ago and have been sleeping on the concrete floor of the living room. We had a terrible bed bug infestation, so we tossed all the furniture. We had a mouse problem, so we moved all of our foods into a giant plastic tub in the center of our kitchen floor. We now have roaches from when our new landlords moved in next door and can’t seem to stem the tide. We are in the process of escape. Put in applications for an apartment nearby and are waiting as patiently as we can in a building where it feels like I’m constantly struggling to breathe.

In the middle of all of this, my sweet kitty who had turned sixteen in March, was diagnosed with Congestive Heart Failure. We spent money we didn’t have (thanks to the magic of a credit card) to have fluid drained from around his heart and lungs. They removed a quarter of a liter of fluid. For two nights, my sweet furbaby was able to breathe easy again. I was giving him medicine daily, as required, always on schedule. I sacrificed time with friends and moments of precious sleep to monitor him. I would have held out for years if need be -- just to make sure he was safe. Over the years, Mose has been one of the main things that tethers me to this world. A reason to wake up. A reason to keep on living. I raised him every year of his life from the bottle to the bier.

After day two, I noticed he began to stop sleeping curled up in a ball again. He began sleeping stretched out as long as possible. He didn’t purr unless I was nearby and giving him constant pets, but they were soft and distant. His eyes just staring ahead into the void. On day 4 I took him to the vet. He’d had a bad case of sniffles since they’d drained all the fluid from his chest, but the vet told me he sounded great. He was proud of how I’d been caring for him and said that I had the “hard job” of giving him medicines daily. To me, it wasn’t necessarily hard, just frustrating because I wanted him to take his medicines without causing him too much stress or discomfort. He enjoyed all of the extra gravy at every meal, that’s for sure.

Four days after that impromptu vet visit where I was told I was doing everything right and that he was doing well we had a really bad morning. 10am is the first pill of the day - it’s half of what is already a very small pill. It’s supposed to help him keep the fluid off by urinating more often and drinking more water. He hates it so much that I finally had succumbed the last two days to simply pilling him myself and then giving him his food afterwards. But this morning he struggles more than usual. I try to be gentle, not wanting to hurt his back legs (he was diagnosed with arthritis earlier in the year and had also managed to crush part of his back hips) but it’s difficult with the squirming on a slippery wooden floor. After a minute or so, I finally get him to actually swallow the pill and offer him his food. He walks away from it. Casually. Returns to his bedding. I follow after him, used to this behavior, and offer him the bowl again. This time he gets up and he staggers. Falls over. I drop the bowl and hesitantly reach for him as he gets up and begins staggering again, and now I can see his mouth is agape.

He’s struggling to breathe. To stand. He can’t seem to move his back legs so when he falls over again, his back legs stay perfectly stretched out and he urinates himself. I start calling for my father, reaching to stabilize Mose, and help him off the floor to see he’s also defecated on the floor. He falls over onto his bedding, breaths per minute through the roof -- too fast to count -- and drool pours out one side of his mouth as I grab the pet carrier and put it as close to him as I can. I know there’s 100% no way in hell he’ll be able to walk into it unaided, so I gingerly tug the blanket he’s on inside the carrier. It takes a couple of minutes, but I manage it. We drive pell mell to the Emergency Vet in empty Sunday streets until we hit the city. Boyfriend rushes out of work and meets us at the vet office and takes the news with me that the fluid has already built up again. They’ll need to redrain his chest and keep him overnight for observation. We ask for an itemized bill, already preparing to just throw the credit card at it and pray for the best. But, like most things in America, if you don’t have a surplus of tiny pieces of green paper, you don’t get the choice to live or to even try fighting what ails you. With a bill passed to us of 5,000$ it’s 68$ over the limit of his credit card: we have to make a choice. We can let him suffer at home until he finally suffocates or we can be merciful and have him put to sleep.

We’ve spent two hours sobbing. Mose is in the back in an oxygen tank to help him calm down and breathe. As we sit there fighting with unseen cosmic forces, I’m remembering the hectic drive where my hand is stretched into the cat carrier, caressing his cheek until twenty minutes have passed. He slowly comes back to himself and realizes he isn’t on the living room floor anymore. He gently rests his head on my hand as a sign of thanks, but I can tell he’s still not fairing very well. His breaths per minute, when I count them on the drive, are in the 50s. I whisper to him that he’s okay, not to worry, that I’ll take care of him. He gives me a very small lick and I take it to mean he understands. He trusts me.

So sitting here in the room, deciding his fate without being able to consult him, feels beyond cruel. Because I know my baby. He can fight this. I know if we could afford to give him the chance to fight, he would live another 2 years at least. I want to give him giant windows filled with sunshine like I promised him. When I told him I would take care of him, I didn’t mean by taking his ability to live away. I meant that he could come home and snuggle with me and purr and have more gravy and just be himself. But the obscene amount of money printed on the paper looms. It mocks. It isn’t even an amount that contains what we would need to have him viewed by a cardiologist after the tap -- for they say something else is at work in his body. The fluid drawn from him was unnaturally thick. Could have been cancer, but they would have needed to confirm.

We literally cannot. I tell my boyfriend I can’t physically say it. If we go this route, I cannot speak the words aloud. With a deep breath and heavy sigh, he agrees to shoulder the burden. We compose ourselves long enough to summon the vet assistant and he asks the question that shatters me. I fall apart, sobbing into my hands, while she calmly says she will bring in the information we need.

Thousands of dollars to save a life. Only under five hundred to end it. The price totaled out around 460$ and only was so high given that they’d had him in the oxygen tank for so long and given him a couple of shots to help him breathe. A manageable price, but it leaves one feeling like Judas with unclean hands filled with silver. They bring him wrapped loosely in a brown blanket for us to spend some time together. He buries his head into the folds of fabric, clearly enjoying the warmth, and we all laugh together at how precious he is.

As I stare into his sweet eyes once he’s peeked back out of the cloth, I feel my throat ache with unshed tears. I refuse to cry in this moment. I want these last minutes to be as pleasant as I can make them. I want to see his sweet twitchy-whiskers and boopable snoot without eyes clouded with sadness. The longer I gaze at him, the more I realize that this isn’t a cat ready to give up. He isn’t in a state of just lay down and die. The guilt is crippling. What if we took him somewhere else? Got a different opinion? Got a cheaper option? But it’s a Sunday. The only things available are emergency clinics with prices roughly all the same. And I can’t handle the idea of him suffocating. With all of my lung problems, the worst form of torture and pain to me is having your own lungs fail you. I cannot bear to let him endure that. Aside from my own lung collapsing, I have no earthly idea how much pain and discomfort he was in. I don’t even remember it collapsing. But on my worst days when I struggle to inhale even the smallest of breaths, I feel that I had a better chance of struggling through it than his little lungs.

I apologize to him in whispers. I tell him how much I love him. Over and over. I give him his favorite neck scritches and ear rubs. I pet his little murder mittens. I run my fingers over the areas of skin they’ve shaved only a week ago in order to safely remove the fluid in his chest. It’s barely begun growing back in. We hold him close and give him all the kisses in the world. He gives me one very small kitty kiss and I feel tears welling up that I command to go away. Not yet.

From the moment the vet assistant brought him in to us to the moment she injected the needle that put him into slumber, he purred. He purred nonstop. Loudly. All eight cylinders firing. He was a wonder. With a single injection, his head falls into my hand and he keeps purring. Perfectly snoozing without a care in the world cuz momma’s here with him and she promised he’d be alright. And I feel my heart just plummet through my chest, watching her lift that second syringe. Watching her check for a heartbeat afterwards after I already know. His head lies heavier in my hand than before. The purrs have slowly tapered off into silence. Before she even confirms it, I know he’s gone.

The tears are allowed to flow now. Hot and heavy and unceasing. We hold each other and try to restrain our anger in turn. I find myself unable to remove my hand from underneath his head -- remembering that I do this at home so that he can sleep better. It’s so hard for him to get decent sleep so I’ve become accustomed to not moving in order for him to do so. Boyfriend makes a call once he’s composed himself an hour later. His father answers and agrees to help him dig a grave.

As they take him back to package him for travel, the alarm on my phone goes off. 2pm. It’s time to give Mose his second pill. I stare blankly at the phone screen with a piercing ache in my chest. I’ve set the alarms to repeat forever. Boyfriend gently reaches out and asks if I want him to turn them off for me. I shake my head and do it myself, hands shaking, heart pounding -- already the routine comes to an end.

The rest is rather uneventful. Our bodies struggle to cope with the loss while trying to pass as normal human beings in the presence of someone who may not fully understand why we are suffering so much. It takes them a couple of hours to dig since the chosen spot happened to be primarily bedrock. While they toil in the heat, I find myself curled up in boyfriend’s old bed with the box open beside me. Stroking Mosey’s fur and weeping in the silence. I had longed to one day cuddle him in a bed again, but not like this...not this way.

It’s been two weeks today. The house feels lifeless in a whole new way. I find myself waking up and reaching to pet him only to have my hand fall through empty air. I miss him stretching out to touch my feet with his paws while I play video games beside him. I long to feel him lying next to me, purring like mad, snuggling in against my chest for warmth. I catch myself looking for him while I’m cooking -- always interested in what the humans were eating and waiting for the sniff I always grant him to prove that he doesn’t want the food we’re going to have. I staggered through the house groggily earlier today after sleeping too late with ten minutes to go until 2pm. My sleepy mind had forgotten his loss and all I could think was I needed to make sure he took his heart medicine on time. And as I stared at the empty space on the heating pad and the empty dining room window, the memory hit me. Oh. Just oh.

During the years I spent dealing with an abusive mother, my Mose was there. When I struggled to breathe during bouts of pneumonia, Mose would come check on me when my coughing was prolonged. Just a few weeks ago, I’d had a bad bout of depression where I couldn’t bring myself to leave the blanket nest on the floor. My sweet kitty made sure to sit closer to me, in the cold path of the fan, just to make sure I was fine. Normally, when morning comes, he’ll follow my boyfriend around the house as he gets ready for work, but during that week he refused to leave my side even if he gazed pleadingly at boyfriend to give him goodbye pets. As much as I looked out for him, he returned the favor every time. This sweet furbaby loved me. I was, in every sense, his momma.

I miss him terribly. There’s an ache that’s different than when I lost Thomas in 2008. Somehow more poignant, but I can’t quite place it. I lost my best friend. I lost my son. I lost my pet. I’ve grown up with cats my entire life and know almost everything there is to know, but this was an entirely new experience for me. I’ve never lived with an older pet and Mose? He never showed his age once -- not until this year. Still ran around the house chasing toys, clawing apart the furniture, bounding into and out of boxes, attacking your ankles when you walked past his resting place if he felt particularly playful.

I could tell when he was annoyed so effortlessly and knew what things he did or didn’t like. I could typically predict if something would or wouldn’t intrigue him before he’d been introduced to it. His body language was second nature to me. Without words, I understood him and without me knowing at all what I meowed at him he understood me. If nothing else, I hope the little ferret dragon knew he was oh-so-loved.

Life is hard. Death is easy.

I remember the first thing that came to mind both when Thomas died and when Mose was put to sleep was, “It’s not fair.” but really... Death is the fairest thing there is. It’s the same across the board. No escape from it based on wealth, on health, on popularity -- it comes equally for all even if not in equal measure. It has no bias. It may hurt. It may be a loathsome time. But it is nothing if not just.

So while I suffer through this furnace for this period of my life, I cling to the fact that it was, in part, an inevitability. My anguish is no different than anyone else’s -- we all mourn for what could have been. It does not dull my anger at the “importance” of monetary means to preserve a life, but it soothes me that it would happen with or without those tiny pieces of green paper. I would only prolong something for an uncertain amount of time.

It boils down to I loved my baby. Mose meant so much more than I can ever convey through pixels on a screen. He was loved every moment and spoiled beyond belief. I did everything in my power and some things outside of my power in order to keep him happy, healthy, and here.

Go love your furbabies for me. Give them hugs, kisses, pets, sing them songs, whatever. Let them know they mean the world to you. And, just like you would do with anyone you care for, tell them just how very loved they are.

Love, Barn Owl

#Mose #loss #grief #depression #pets

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daimuzix · 5 years

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What a Journey it has been!!

Hello lovely people of the Internet. It has been years since I posted a blog on here.... 5 years to be exact. 6 years since the very first blog on here. SOOOOOO MUCH HAS HAPPENED! For anyone who is still following and reading, THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart.

I have learned and grown so much in these past 5 years in my personal and professional life. But most importantly, becoming more of the artist and human being that I am meant to be. I am so grateful for every amazing, good, bad and ugly thing that has happened in my life - which has brought me here. I am glad that the one constant social media that has existed through out all my changes is Tumblr - so a BIG BIG thank you for documenting my entire journey to now. I wouldn’t change anything that’s happened.

2012 - 2018: 2 original songs, 100 YouTube videos, 5 Youtube channels, 3 SoundCloud channels, the Summer of Music Project, 1 Benefit Concert (proceeds went to Make-A-Wish foundation, 100 Happy Days, 100 Music Days, 6 Christmas CDs, sang in Eric Whitacre’s Christmas video of Glow for about 2 seconds, 1 Christmas Concert video (overseas), Entertainment Producer for Capital Trans Pride, became a Board Member for the Creative and Performing Arts Center (CAPAC), 25 Ceremonial performances of the National Anthem, 2 guitars and 1 keyboard, 1 music related tattoo, 150+ live performances (to include open mics, Sunday live music at the hospital, musician on call volunteer gigs, karaoke and I lost count), met Keri Hilson, met Todrick Hall and the most magical thing that’s happened is meeting the love of my life and starting a band with her. <3

She's an amazing human being, who is such a talented artist and I look forward to creating so many memories and musical creations for the world to see. You can follow us at @herxtwo! 2018 was definitely a year of growth for me and I will continue to focus on self-care in 2019. As we know life is hard but if I know anything that is true - music has saved my life. From feeling like a broken little teenager to becoming an inspiration for everyone I meet (or so I’m told), I want the music that I will create with Melle to help another person heal.

As I always say in between my performances: Remember that I love you and everyone who loves you, loves you. And we’re all in this together.

For anyone who is reading this: You are not alone. Not now, not ever. And you matter to me. Wishing everyone a happy new year for 2019 and many blessings of love, happiness, positivity, healthy vibes and joy coming your way! <3

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theburningsensationofpoetry · 6 years

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BMC Ghost AU: Meeting Michael Mell

(I tried my hardest (´∀｀；) It sucks, but bare with me...I’ll fix anything that doesn’t seem right, I just used a Shakespeare translator...I didn’t research much.)

For: @wowthatsartbruh and @gelasticat

Michael awoke from his bed feeling a chill up his spine.

Surprising enough he didn’t feel the need to yawn, or even stretch. Odd, but it happened every once in a while.

He sat up visibly awake, feeling an energy around him. A familiar one.

He stepped off his bed starting to step down the stairs to the kitchen. He took in the smell of freshly baked waffles from the toaster. His mom knew it was his favorite, but why today? Today wasn’t a special day?

Michael excitedly ran down the stairs, trying not to trip (Which he didn’t!) to stop dead in his tracks.

He saw his two moms visibly sobbing.

Michael’s face turned from happy to mortified. “Mom? Nanaya? What’s wrong?” He tried to give them a weak smile, but to find they weren’t listening.

“Guys?” Michael moved forth to grasp his mom's shoulder, but finding his hand slipping through her skin, like a hologram.

Michael’s whole body shook at that one moment. He looked up to his mom’s faces.

“Guys? Please I’m right here!” Michael shrieked wailing his hands in the air. He went around them and found himself wanting to create tears from his eyes. But nothing came.

“Please.”

He looked to his side, on the granite counter was a jar...The jar read ‘Michael Manning Mell’.

“This is not true.” he muttered under his breath. He gritted his teeth took in a moment. “THIS IS NOT FUCKING TRUE!”

He gripped at his hair, not feeling the least bit of pain.

“This is all a dream. If I close my eyes, everything will be okay...It will be okay” Michael continued to chant this to himself

….

before he opened his eyes to find a shorter girl staring at him intensely.

“Uhh hi?” Michael choked out, still feeling a tad anxious and concerned on what’s happening.

She had a bob cut, a bigger frame, she had a caramel skin tone, but peculiar she had red marks on her neck, her neck seemed to be thinner and longer than her body proportions. Giving her a creepy vibe.

“Good morrow to you, sir, please follow me.” She spoke in a tone of some sophisticated white person. Michael was cautiously following her. He found himself walking away from his moms, leaving to the living room.

“Am I…”

“Dead? Aye, t'will take you a moment to remember thy death. It is common.”

He stopped and took a moment to think. Did he really die so young. He died looking like...Like him? He was going to look like this forever?

The girl must have saw the discomfort, for she spoke up “don't worry about the appearance or family or future, look forward to thy life as a spirit.”

He sighed walking forward with her…

“What's your name?”

“Christine.”

They didn’t speak much but by the looks of it she seemed okay...And if he was dead he was going to needed to get used to it.

He found himself in his living room to have multiple guests in it.

All ranging from creepiness levels.

Michael screeched like a bratty 5 year old who just lost their elsa slippers.

“broth'r don't be afeard of my comrades, those gents are valorous people.” The short ghost insisted.

Michael gulped nodding.

A young man came forth with his body having multiple gunshot wounds in him. He put forth his hand, Michael hesitantly shook it. “Refer to me as jake sir.” The man nodded before stepping aside.

A lady came forth with a large hole in her neck, another bullet hole. She had a beautiful outfit. She reached for michaels hand, they shook hands and she pulled him into a hug. “Names brooke sweetie.”

The blonde girl walked away, to a reveal a stern looking young women.

She wore a nurses outfit and had a gunshot on her left side of her chest. She is a brunette, and she looked pissed.

She took michaels hand roughly and shook it.

“Names chloe, got it?”

Michael nodded quickly terrified of this ghost.

Then a scary looking female came through. She had half of her right face skin torn apart. Her right arm was torn off. A big gash was in her cheek.

Luckily as michael suspected he's dead, so he couldn’t vomit right now even if he really wanted too.

But when that girl gave him a soft smile and gave him the softest handshake he ever got. He knew she was a good person. Just a little broken.

He gave a toothy grin, giving the girl a small fragile gasp.

She skipped off along with the others leaving on more boy in the back to introduce himself.

He walked forth and Michael couldn’t help but let his lips part. The boy looked beautiful. Well he had flaws of course, like how something dripped a bit from his eyes, or how he had a some splotches of bumps giving him an ill look, but yet… if you looked at him something brought you a sense of honesty and comfort.

When he walked forward, michael was sure his non-beating heart did a flip.

Jeremy shook his hand and smiled.

“Aye good day huh? Your looking mighty fine and plump!” Was Michael hearing right. Plump? What the fuck.

“Wha-what. Fuck you!” Michael exclaimed not loudly, but in a mildly raised voice.

Jeremy furrowed his eyebrows in confusion and he cleared his throat. “sir thou must has't not heard me right. I said thee wast looking very fine and plump, or would well rounded be more to your liking?”

“Asshole.” Michael stated walking away crossing his arms over his stomach.

Jeremy looked grieved, as well as confused.

Jeremy walked to the opposite side if the zig zag line of ghosts avoiding michael.

Meanwhile michael was angry, everyone was nice yeah, but the one guy he thought was cute was an asshole.

“well now that thou has met everyone, thee can explore as a ghost! t shalt be the most excimenting. And no need to tell us your name, we know already!” Christine clapped her hands together in enjoyment. She starting to move through a wall scaring michael, before he hit his head and thought ‘your dead dingus’

He found everyone around him moving to go somewhere and he decided to go see his moms, but before he could he felt a cold hand upon his shoulder.

It was the jerk from before.

“broth'r, methinks we didn't formally meet right...did I do something wrong...?” Jeremy spoke starting to fiddle with his left sleeve.

Michael turned around and took a look at this kid. He didn’t seem to aim to make fun of him. From the looks of it, he looked to be from a different age. He looked like a weird guy from a history book.

“First of all yeah! You caused some beef with me. I don’t like being called a fat pig.”

Jeremy gasped slightly.

“Sir! I would never call you a pig! Fat yes, but that is a wonderful thing! Thy legs has't wonderful curves, thou has't better structure than any here, thou stomach is most likely soft and comfortable, thou has beautiful stripped marking of a god like creature, thou lips are thick and grand! Thy shouldn't be ashamed of your figure, you should be most joyful! As a handsome man yourself, I would be hounderd if you even found one thing beautiful in I.”

Michael was not processing what he said whatsoever.

He was stuck on the words he got ‘beautiful, grand, god like…’ Did someone think his weight was...beautiful?

“Is this some kind of joke? Like thanks and all, but your beautiful too.”

Jeremy's eyes shot up.

“W-what sir?” “You're beautiful too. I don’t know if you meant what you said, but look..” Michael took a step further to Jeremy. “You got a beautiful figure as w-well. You have a well sculpted body, you have beautiful eyes, your hair looks like really really soft. Can I pet it?” Jeremy nodded and Michael being taller pet Jeremy's hair and giggled. “I was right. It is soft. Look.. You're beautiful too. And if you think...My weight is beautiful then you gotta be over a 10 to me.”

Jeremy looked shocked then broke out into a smile. He got down on one knee and spoke “My dearest Michael would you be proudest to be engaged to me.”

“What.”

“My dearest-”

“I heard that, engage? Wouldn’t you want to, i dunno take me on a date?” Michael giggled.

“But sir, with all due respect, I have been waiting for a moment to meet you in person and marry you.” He smiled then turning red “B-but not like this! I wouldn’t want you to ever perish from your family! I j-just always saw you and I w-wanted to marry you alive. W-when you spoke of being, attracted to males, I had the same thought. Knowing it was wrong in my time, b-but times have changed and michel would thou be honored to marry me!” Jeremy was a persistent piece of shit, but Michael found it cute.

“Okay how about this…” michael learned close to jeremy. “If you take me on one date, your choice of place, and if it's good I will consider marrying you.” Michael smirked seeing the joyful and terrified look on jeremy's face.

“You have my word. I shall find the perfect place for us!” He started to scoot off when michael yelled “You have two hours!”

Jeremy shrieked moving faster.

Michael wheezed out laughing enjoying Jeremy trying to have a good date.

He went to see his mom's,he found his mom's where seated on his bed holding their hands together.

Having a better look at the room he saw something on the wall. Scorch marks. It was coming back. The electricity running through his body. He swore he felt a shock go through him. He took another look at his moms who hugged once more.

He stepped forth to his moms, and tried to wrap his arms around them.

He wish he could tell them it would be alright, he wished he could be their by their side. None of that was going to happen. He was going to be this age forever, he was going to watch his family get old and die.

He felt himself sick at his nonexistent stomach at the thought of that. He found himself having to move out of the room not before he found himself saying one last words to his moms.

“Please stay strong.” He swore he saw their head snap up, but he decided to leave the room, before he could get a response.

He walked down the stairs, forgetting he could easily fly if he knew how.

He found Jenna and jake playing goldfish.

“How do you guys play if ghosts can't move things?” Michael asked shocked and ashamed.

Jenna rolled her eyes and looked to him. “Yeah we can!” She had a really raspy voice...dang…”we put it backup and its really light so we can move it!”

Michael shrugged and went to go play with them. Eventually the whole group was playing and he was learning more about them.

Like how their all cursed. Great….

It seemed like a long two hours passed, because finally Jeremy showed up.

“Michael! A-are thy ready for our date?” He sheepishly smiled putting his hands behind his back smiling.

Michael chuckled putting his cards down to go forth with Jeremy.

“Is jerry going to kiss Michael?” Brooke whispered but not really.

“I hope so.” Jenna also didn’t really whisper causing both Michaels and Jeremy's cold faces to feel warm.

“Jeremiah is going to mess it up. Ten bucks.” Chloe scoffed laughing.

“We don’t have money chlo Chlo.” Brooke said softly.

“It's an expression darling.” Jake spoke up.

Jeremy decided to link arms with Michael, Michael shrugged it off venturing forth to wherever Jeremy was taking him.

Jeremy was taking him to a wall… “Hey Jeremy?” Jeremy hummed in response looking up at him. “Can we use the front door and walk their? If possible?” Michael flicked his thumb across his pointer finger, a typical thing when he got anxious.

He was visibly uncomfortable with being ghost. Just dying. He wanted to pretend he was alive for the most part.

“Of course!” Jeremy chirped leading Michael to the front door.

They had to phase through it, but Michael was okay for the most part.

They walked down the cold street not feeling the chills that would have ran through his human body.

They walked for at least 15 minutes mindlessly chatting when they arrived at a local zoo, the zoo was fairly big, but it was not as big as some up in New York.

Jeremy took him through the gate to see all the animals they could.

Most were just covered or put up, but Jeremy knew the animals that where there.

He wanted to show Michael the penguins or the lizards.

He went for the penguins.

They walked back of the park, usually for the employees.

Jeremy showed him the way to the door of the penguin exhibit, Bowing as he did.

Michael softly giggled sending a butterfly up Jeremy’s empty stomach.

Michael walked through hesitantly...but then looking amazed as he saw what’s before him.

Glimmering in the little light their was, the snow around the area.

A little pond with a light waterfall.

Michael stood amazed.

Jeremy walked through chuckling as Michael stood amazed.

Truth be told Michael has only been to petting zoos as a kid. He just was never close to them in his hometown.

Jeremy led him to a ledge and layed down. Michael sat down with him looking down at the penguins that sat protecting eggs.

Jeremy wrapped his lanky arm around Michael, smiling.

Michael smiled contently looking at a the penguins once more.

One particular penguin stepped off of their egg they were sitting on.

The egg wiggled and a chip went through.

Michael gasped scooting a forward a bit, not getting out of Jeremy’s grasp.

More chips came through the egg, a fuzzy penguin came out.

Michael was looking at it with pure wonder and enjoyment.

“Jeremy.”

“Yes?”

“I might take you up on that offer.”

#boyf riends #bmc ghost au #ghost au #be more chill #be more chill ghost au #meremy hell #michael mell #Jeremy heere is a furry #jeremy heere #brooke lohst #christine canigula #jake dillinger #jenna rolan #rich is not in this one #sadly #he's my favorite

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stickercase · 14 days

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wish me mell together every day by sanrio

#wish me mell together every day #sanrio #rabbit #animals #cute #wish me mell #line stickers #transparent #png

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jewlwpet · 6 years

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The very first Tweets from My Melody

Originally, the @melody_mariland account on Twitter was a place for news about My Melody merchandise and events. My Melody took over the account herself on December 15, 2012. Here is a log of her Tweets from that year, translated to English, from beginning to end (note: These dates will not be exact or consistent because I only sometimes accounted for time zones):

12/15/12: Nice to meet you♪ This is Melody♪ I live in Mariland. Does my voice reach you all? (My heart’s pounding...)

12/15/12: This place, it’s called Twitter??? I’ll give it my best every day from now on♪

12/16/12: Good morning♪ Mama says it’s cold today, so please wear a warm hood,

12/17/12: Good morning. My little brother Rhythm-kun seems to have a bit of a cold.... I wonder, are you all feeling okay?

12/17/12: Today, Mama and I are going to bake cookies together♪ I wonder if I should make them shaped like flowers♪

12/18/12: Good morning♪ The hood Grandma made me is really warm♪

12/18/12: I’ve got so many unusual hoods, but which one should I pick?

12/19/12: Good morning. Today I overslept and forgot to put on a hood.

12/19/12: I got this♪ http://ow.ly/i/1fWvt

12/20/12: Good morning♪ My home is in a place called “Rabbit Hill”♪

12/20/12: Since I’m a bit cold, I wonder if I should wear this... http://ow.ly/i/1gZhN

12/21/12: Ah. I’ve heard that there are things called “e-zines” and something called “magmag” ♪ [Translator’s note: This is the e-zine company at mag2.com, Japanese-language only].

12/22/12: Swallow? ....ski? Um... I’d like to hear that one more time☆ ow.ly/i/1hmOU [Translator’s note: Thanks to the repliers, I was able to determine that she was trying to say/type “Swarovski”].

12/24/12: Today will be a fun Christmas party♪ Everyone, do you have your gifts prepared?? http://ow.ly/i/1hlhH

12/25/12: Merry Christmas♪♪♪☆ ow.ly/i/1hn05

12/25/12: Since there’s no losing, every ticket is a winning ticket♪ Congratulations, everyone! Please try it, okay? http://ow.ly/i/1ifUy

12/26/12: Good morning♪ I wonder if I ate too much on Christmas... My tummy is all puffy～☆

12/26/12: Since we all have puffy tummies, how about we race to the other side of the brook? The goal is the other side of the log bridge♪

12/26/12: I’ll be carefully watching over you, so drive safely, okay? http://ow.ly/i/1ipVr

12/27/12: Good morning♪ Grandma told me that apples are good for the stomach, so let’s eat lots♪

12/28/12: Good morning♪ Ms. Bird always wakes me up in the morning. Can everyone hear her lovely song?

12/28/12: Märchen town♪♪ This amusement park is fun, isn’t it? http://ow.ly/i/1iEbJ

12/29/12: Oh? Is that you, Mell-chan? @Wishmemell

Wish Me Mell: It’s Mell. My Melo-chan, good morning♪ I’ve been following you for a while. Eheheh (* ´ v｀*)

My Melody: @Wishmemell So Mel-chan is my Twitter senpai, huh!

12/30/12: There’s so much that still hasn’t been cleaned up yet today♪ Mama and Papa and Rhythm-kun, let’s do it, all of us together!

12/31/12: Good morning♪ Today is the last day of the year, right? To all of my dear friends, I want to say “Thank you”♪♪

12/31/12: Tomorrow I’m going out with Piano-chan♪ I need to dress up♪

#my melody #my melo #sanrio #onegai my melody #wish me mell #after this i'm going a month at a time #no guarantee of course that i'll ever catch up #but if i do more #that's how it'll go #the ow.ly links here all go to images #back then that's how she shared them #accidentally left one out at first #edited that in

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shui-xi · 6 years

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you know what i find the gayest song i ever had on my pc? i think it’s ‘glaring dream’ from gravitation. strange thing that it’s a really positive one and i still like it. i keep it since 2002 (in case you had no idea i’ve lived long enough, yes))))

but i love that period and when artists made op’s and ed’s, i say artists but they also do those nowadays, i’m just more indifferent and they don’t touch my heart anymore, i suppose.

i remember how naruto brought me sambomaster “seishun.. something..”, they also have many other great songs. i still have captain straydum, it has a funny title mountain go go XDDD

or back in bleach times i found out for myself music by home made kazoku, happened ages ago, but i still like them. also there was one track by Takacha which i loved, i still follow him on twitter and happy to know he’s still doing music and takes parts in events. or asian kung-fu generation. come on.

for example tracks from macross plus with sharon apple make me remember the time we rented (or someone brought) the cd, but the files were corrupted, so at that time i haven’t seen the full macross plus. i was so affected by the whole thing that i drew sharon on my wallpaper (don’t think i did a bad job, i think i still have the sketch from those times and can dig it out). but it’s nice that music brings some memories!! unlike these times with no unlimited internet i now have seen not one sharon apple)))

also, i don’t own those anymore but i think one of the greatest things ever done with composed music in anime is from ‘nana’. actually, i dislike the anime itself, i suppose many fans had outrages about it never being finished? but the music was great, tsuchiya anna and that other singer, hell my memory is bad. but who can forget ‘rose’? i find they did a great job bringing great music and individuality of both singers that corresponded with characters. but i knew that shoujo isn’t my thing at all ahahaah, i keep up with only few shoujo titles since then.

it’s actually pretty interesting through that to find ppl or when your loved bands do music for anime. like after xxxholic i discovered suga shikao for myself. or with d.gray-man (the first one) i found june, he had few releases and later became a producer. with yamato nadesico shichi henge i discovered kiyoharu, the show i still find awful XDDD but some things from him i listen even to this day.also at the time i listened to 12012 they were asked to do romeo x juliet ed (i doubt you saw but whatever) it was one of their gayest songs ever so not like their music at all, or when gazette fans went into wut when they did an op? for kuroshitsuji. bad memory, bad.

but when it comes to osts yoko kanno is like one of my top fav at all times. her gits compositions and collabs are fantastic, not to mention bebop. damn. if you never saw her live they had when they played bebop music, yo, it’s really fun!! that video is precious. when bebop op tank! played, i never skipped, not even once, because it’s just ageless and i can never get tired of it. just 1,2,3 let’s jam. i usually skip after a while but never with this one. i still think it’s one of the greatest openings of all time. no really, go watch that kanno small concert, or if you have bakabt account just d/l it from there, it’s freeleech. but she did a lot and every show was not the same? right? it’s amazing how different they are, but all are hard to forget.

i think it’s cool when music can bring like the whole spirit of animation to a new level, it’s not something generic, but a unique sound you’ll be able to recognize anytime. remember samurai champloo? loss of nujabes is a great loss to the whole music world, but he made this show sound unique.

with stuff like gits or ergo proxy i realized i also like ambient futuristic stuff. but whenever i mention ergo proxy i always start singing come and saaaaaaaaaaaaaaave meeeeeeeeeeee (you might have seen it in my tags some day XDDD) because that op song by monoral is also ageless.

oh, once again a find thanks to anime - boom boom satellites, because they did xam’d op which has like a really neat title “shut up and explode”, still keep it on my music list, so upbeat. i’m actually going through music and manga folders just to delete stuff i don’t give a slightest damn about to free some space to d/l this show again lollll.

thanks to ookiku furikabutte for example i discovered base ball bear (their vocalist is like never aging too, it seems))) but they’re fun. and the show is still precious. i never found it as upbeat as nowadays sports anime that are like so hype it’s kinda tiring, but it gave a really nice message and i think ppl who missed it should give it a chance.

i’d like to say the same about other artist i discovered thanks to anime, which is mell who performed “red fraction” in black lagoon. but she’s been inactive since ‘13, yet i liked her. and black lagoon itself was a show of its own, so dramatic, i think what i like is that it had many bad stuff happening, no let’s be happy together ending in your average show. i wish they’d do another season of it, since manga is ongoing, even though it’s been through a lot.

Ok, I’ll be going now, since I need to finish some stuff as well. Who actually read this post is precious.

#txt #what is this feeling of nostalgia #long post #personal #don't mind me)))#i haven't even mentioned half of it #i can keep this forever

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listentotheshityousay · 7 years

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This is how it starts: you don’t know anything.

You are blissfully, painfully unaware of the repercussions when Jenna drunkenly beckons you over to her corner in Jake’s kitchen.

“Jeremy, I have something to tell you,” she slurs, giggling. The party’s loud and crowded around them, so you lean in to hear her clearly. “So don’t freak out.” Before you can even respond, she blurts, “Michael’s in love with you.”

“What?” You blink, processing that statement. “Michael Mell? My best friend Michael?”

“Duh,” she says.

Nothing about that information makes sense. “I think you’ve got this all wrong,” you start, but Jenna cuts you off by shoving her phone in your face. You can see the most recent string of texts from Michael, and they’re all about you. They’re about how he’s charmed by your smile, how he’s worried that you don’t sleep enough, how he’s thinking about finally asking you out after all.

“Seriously,” Jenna says, shaking her head at the look on your face. “How could you not know? He’s so obvious.”

You can’t help but ask, “Who else knows?”

“Everybody,” Jenna says, and your heart sinks. “You didn’t think it was weird that every time you came to sit with us, somebody’d move so you could sit next to him?”

You didn’t, but now that she’s pointed it out, you recognize the pattern. Now that you’re thinking about it, there’s been increasingly frequent occurrences of Michael sitting beside you while everybody else in your friend group shares sly smiles or significant looks. There’s always been Michael, smiling warmly, welcoming your complaints about homework, his hands inches from yours.

“You guys will be cute together,” Jenna says, and she’s too drunk to care when you leave to have a panic attack in the bathroom.

Jenna doesn’t remember your conversation the next day. You wish you didn’t.

This is how it goes: you don’t know how to keep the things you love.

And you love Michael, you do, but not the way he apparently loves you. He wants to ask you out, to take you out on dates, to kiss you, to do so many things that you have never considered doing with him.

You consider it now. You consider it for days. You love spending time with Michael already. You think you could hold hands with him. Maybe you could kiss him, too. Could you do more than that?

Sitting beside Michael in the cafeteria, laughing at his jokes, watching the twinkle in his eyes grow brighter at your laughter, you know all your considerations are for moot. You know you can’t say yes, if he asks.

But you don’t want to say no.

You don’t want to hurt him like that. You don’t love Michael the way he loves you, but you still love him too much to break his heart. You love him too much to lose him.

“Hey, game night at my place this Friday?” Michael asks, nudging your arm.

You deliberately keep yourself from leaning into his touch. You’ve been keeping your distance for a while. “Nah, man. Dad’s taking me to see some colleges this weekend, remember?”

“Right.” The sight of Michael’s shoulders slumping turns your insides a little colder. You’ve been living with ice in your veins ever since that one party, that one conversation. “Dude, I feel like we haven’t been hanging out a lot these days.”

“We’ll hang out when we’re less busy,” you promise, and you think your lies and truths all taste the same nowadays.

You don’t know how to keep the people you love. You don’t know if you’re making the worst choice. You don’t know anything. You wish you still didn’t know.

If you spend less time with Michael, he won’t have an opportunity to ask you out. It’s a flimsy plan but you think it works anyway. You miss him, but this is the only way to keep him. At least this way, you can’t reject Michael. Can’t break his heart.

Every day, you hope he falls out of love with you.

You avoid spending too much time alone with him, avoid too much physical contact with him, avoid looking him in the eye more and more.

Michael slowly stops asking to spend more time privately with you. You spend less time with him and your friends, because you’re scared that he’ll ask you in front of everybody, because you’re weary from the guilt eating you up inside-out, because you’re still scared of losing him once and for all.

You don’t know how to stop Michael’s eyes from shuttering with disappointment or how to love him or how to admit that you just might be making the wrong choice. You don’t know if it’d be better off to tell him that you know, if saying no would be better than saying nothing.

You don’t know if he’s already fallen out of love with you. If you’ve already broken his heart.

This is how it ends: you try so hard to keep Michael, and that’s how you lose him.

#be more chill #bmc #boyf riends #but not really #ficlet #mine #me: writes this shit instead of ch6 dsfkjdsagkj #ch6: kicks me in the shins once again and begs for me to pay attention to it #this is really messily written but whatever!!!#I just wanted to write this out for once #so surprise surprise this is actually based on my shitty life!!!!#I mean at least it wasn't my best friend #but some aspects were Actually Worse!!!#I'm feeling a bit like shit so here have shitty angst #I'm gonna eat nutella straight outta the jar now

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lunch-is-banging · 6 years

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Suicide.

¡¡¡TRIGGER WARNING: SUICIDE, SELF HARM, MENTAL ILLNESS !!!

my dms are always open if you’re ever considering suicide. please don’t take your life! suicide is not the option. i promise.

Michael couldn’t handle it anymore. He was tired of feeling like he doesn’t belong. He was tired of feeling pitied by his classmates. He was tired of life.

Michael had been severely depressed for a few years now, and he always promised his mom he would never kill himself. He was all she had left and she was terrified to lose him. He couldn’t really see it, but she loved him more than herself.

Michael knew he had people to go to if he ever felt this way. He had some friends that enjoyed his company, and would be happy to help him with these intrusive thoughts. Jeremy, Christine, Rich, Jake, Chloe, Brooke, all people that told him to go to them if he was ever considering this.

He thought about it. He thought about calling Jeremy and telling him what he planned to do tonight. He was going to get help. A part of him wanted to get help. A part of him just wanted to die.

Michael knew deep down he should go and talk to the guidance counselor or call his mom to come and take him to Dr. Jenkins because he was having those thoughts again. He just didn’t want to hear the same old things, “you matter to us Michael”, “we’d miss you so much Michael”, “we need you here Michael.” He wanted to hear something with more feeling and originality. Not that those words didn’t mean anything to him, and some words would decipher his life or death. He just wants to feel cared about.

Michael walked down the halls for the last time that day. He touched each locker sadly as he did. Dragging his feet as if his death was at the end of the hallway. He put small notes in each friends locker, thanking them for all the fun times they had together.

“Dear Jeremy,

thanks for these 12 amazing years of friendship. I love you. More than friends. I’m sorry I have to leave you. Its selfish and rude of me, but it needs to be done. I wish you the best and I hope you can recover fast. you are my world, you mean so much to me and I hate to this. I know you’ve gone home so now you can’t stop me. I’m sorry I didn’t come to you for advice, you are good at giving it. thanks for being an amazing player two.

from, michael mell .”

“Dear Chole, Brooke, Rich, Jake, & Christine,

I put your letters together because I don’t like writing big paragraphs. but thanks for this year of friendship and happiness. Im sorry to be the one whos ruining it for the gang. be with jeremy, protect him. make sure he doesn’t hurt himself or anything worse when I’m gone. don’t try to call me. I’ll be gone by then. I love you guys, I’m sorry.

your pal, michael mell.”

He walked out of the school and turned around. He looked at everything as if it was his last time ever seeing it. For him , it was. Tomorrow there’d be no more Michael Mell. NO more lovable dork who had an obsession with the 90's. A few tears slipped down his cheeks as he started his car, leaving the school property for the very last time.

He pulled into his driveway and parked his car. Leaving a small note for his mom in there. She’d sit in his car and absorb every last bit she had of her son once he was gone. She’s wear his clothes and never leave his room. She’d be completely broken. Michael was better off dead. In his mind he served no purpose in anyone’s lives.

He walked into his mothers room and just laid on her bed sobbing. He put a pillow over his head to soften the sound. Michael hated himself for doing this. He hated himself for breaking his promise with his mother. Her heart would be broken. It would be all his fault.

“I’m sorry Mama, I love you,” he whispered.

He walked into his room and locked his door this was it. This is how his life is going to end. He walked over to his desk and pulled out a familiar piece of metal. He pressed it to his skin watching beads of blood form when he pulled it across. He kept slicing until his arms were covered in the cuts.

He grabbed some tissues and tried to stop the blood from flowing. It was in the moment, he realised something. He didn’t want to die. He wanted to live and get married. He wanted to go to comic con with Jeremy this year. He wanted to be alive.

It was too late for Michael. Blood was freely flowing from his arms and he was starting to get dizzy. He grabbed a bottle of pills and took a couple, and then some more, and some more. Finally, he passed out.

Rich went to his locker to find a note fall out of it. He chuckled thinking it was Jake writing a love letter or being horny, but it was Michaels suicide note. Rich quickly called everyone the note was adressed to.

“SOMEONE GO TO MICHAEL’S HOUSE, HE’S TRYING TO KILL HIMSELF!” He shouted in sheer panic.

Each friend went to Michaels house banging on the door trying to get in. It was enough to temporarily pull Michael out of his over dosed, blood lossed state. He stumbled to get up, slowly walking to the door. He reached for the lock before collapsing. Falling dead to the world.

Brooke called an ambulance while Chloe called his mom. The ambulance came and rushed Michael to the hospital. His mother was close behind speeding to catch up with the vehicle with her could-possibly-be-dead son. As soon as she got to the hospital she rushed in demanding to see her son.

A nurse brought her to where they had Michael on life support. Mrs.Mell broke down by her sons side. She knew he had been struggling a little extra lately. She felt as if this was her fault. She felt like there was something she could have done.

“Oh, Mikey, why didn’t you come to me baby,” She whispered, “I’ll always be here for you.”

The doctors were examining his body to see what was exactly wrong. One pulled up his hoodie and was shocked by all the marks lining his stomach and arms. Michael’s mom just sobbed some more.

“Please bring my son back,” she cried, “I need him here. Please.”

“We’ll try Mrs. Mell,” the doctor said.

“why did he have to try to commit suicide?”

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theaterkid821 · 7 years

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Lost But Not Forgotten (Michael Mell x Reader)

A/N: hey all! here with a new fic! i read a lafayette x reader fanfic a while ago that was similar and it gave me this idea (i searched all day for it and couldn’t find it. if you do find it, tell me please). anyways, requests are open and hope you enjoy! love you all!

Masterlist

TW: amnesia, car accident, implied smut

Key:

Bold: Michael’s POV

Italic: Flashback

Normal: reader’s POV

He holds you tightly in a bone crushing hug.

“Relax Michael. It’s just a semester.”

“I know, but I’m gonna miss you.”

“I’ll call you when we get to Toronto, if the school lets me that is, you know these programs and all.”

“Promise?”

“I promise.”

. . .

You wake up to the blinding hospital lights. How did you get here? You didn’t remember anything actually now that you think about it.

A nurse comes in, “oh, you’re awake. Good. Do you mind telling me your name?”

“I-it’s (Y/N)? I think? I don’t quite know… what happened?”

“You were in a taxi and the car crashed. You hit your head badly, causing your current state of amnesia, but you weren’t otherwise injured besides a few broken ribs.”

“Okay…” you were trying to piece together everything, but it’s hard to put together a monochromatic puzzle and only know where one corner piece is.

“Do you have any emergency contacts for us to call? Your phone was destroyed in the crash so we don’t know the contact numbers.”

What the hell? If you didn’t remember your name what makes them think you’d remember your parent’s phone number. “No sorry.”

“That’s okay sweetie. How old are you?”

You pause for a moment, “I wanna say 24.”

“Okay, so we’re gonna help you back on your feet and soon we’ll let you out so you can go back to living normally.”

“Thanks.”

. . .

“Jeremy what the hell do I do?”

“What are you talking about?” “She hasn’t called or texted. It’s been a week now!”

“didn’t she say she was busy? I mean, this is a study abroad, and she’s probably thriving. They probably are hoarding her for themselves so she doesn’t leave so quickly.”

“yeah, but she promised she’d call or text when she landed.”

“I’m sure she’ll be okay Michael.”

. . .

It’s been a few months now and you were in a steady job and renting an apartment. Your family had come up to help you, but the chunk of time between graduation and now was a total blur that refused to clear up. The nurse told you that something around town might spark it up if you’ve been there before, but nothing happened.

You were a little worried by now, you hadn’t gotten your period in two months and you were all but excited. The test read positive and you sighed. Were you married? Boyfriend? Just a one night stand? You didn’t know and it pained you. You talked to a doctor about finding out who the father is somehow, but they said they couldn’t say until they get a blood sample from the baby.

You just wish you could remember something. Anything from before two months ago.

. . .

Michael was sitting beside you looking down almost terrified.

“Michael it’s okay. Condoms break. It’s not your fault. I’m on the pill anyway. We’ll be fine.”

“Are you sure?”

“Positive. We’ll be okay.”

. . .

“Michael, you’ve been at the airport for almost a day now, you can’t stay at the airport waiting for her forever.”

“Just one more minute… one more flight from Toronto… she’ll come back. I’m sure of it.”

“Michael, as your friend, I say that you can’t do this anymore. Just come with me and come home. We can get stoned in the basement and play games huh?”

“What if she comes and doesn’t see me?”

“Then she’ll call you. She knows your number and we’ll come back.” He helps Michael out of the airport.

. . .

“Jeremy, I’m getting scared. She hasn’t called, I asked her parents and they said she didn’t even make it to the event.”

“Well… maybe she… I don’t know what to say anymore.”

“Neither do I” he slumps down on the couch. “Do you think she left me?”

“No, of course not. She loves you. She wouldn’t do this intentionally.”

“What if she did?”

“I… I don’t know what to say anymore. I know it’s been what, three months past when she was supposed to come home? You have to let go.”

. . .

You held your daughter close to you. You had no idea where, but the name Cathryn popped into your head. She looked so familiar, but you couldn’t place it. She looked so peaceful sleeping there.

The doctor comes in, “so, we have news.”

“Did you find out who it was?”

“Yes, her other genes match that of a boy around your age in New Jersey. Do you by any chance know a Michael Mell?”

And just like that, it all came back to you. Every memory you had since you graduated high school just popped up again.

“Michael… I have to get to New Jersey…”

. . .

“Hey,” you sit up to look at him anxiously, “do you ever think about having kids?”

“Definitely yeah. All the time.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, I already thought of names.”

“You did? What are they?”

“Well for a boy, I’d name him Michael jr.” you giggle and push his shoulder, “and for a girl I’d name her Catherine, after my mom.”

. . .

After hours in a plane and bus, you finally arrived back in the town. You quickly go to the nearest payphone and call Michael. It rings a few times and a voice different than you expected answered his phone, “hello?”

“Jeremy? What are you doing answering Michael’s phone?”

There was a moment of silence as you hear him walk somewhere else. “(Y/N)? is that you?” “Yeah… look, I don’t know how much time I have left. I’m at the bus stop. Please pick me up.”

“Hang on,” he puts a hand on the speaker but you can still hear him yell, “Michael I’m stealing your cruiser for a bit!” he turns back to the phone, “I’ll be there in a few minutes.”

You stand by the curb with your small suitcase next to you and Catherine in your arms. She fell asleep when you got on the bus in Newark airport, she looked so cute asleep. Soon enough, the familiar sound of the PT cruiser came down the road. Jeremy puts on the warning lights and parks in front of you. “Hey (Y/N)…um… I guess I’ll put your luggage in the back.” You giggle a bit and sit in the front seat.

He comes back in and starts to drive to Michael’s house.

“So how are you? How’s Christine?” “Great. We actually got married last month.” “God I wish I could have been there.”

“Speaking of; where the hell have you been for the past almost year… and now with a child.”

“I was in the taxi when an asshole speeded down the intersection and hit us. So, I was stuck in Canada with amnesia.”

“And the child? Were you seeing someone?”

“No actually, I found out a few weeks after I left the hospital, and people don’t really like to date pregnant women. Besides, I didn’t know if I had a significant other, but I didn’t want to cheat on them accidentally. So… yeah, meet Catherine, Michael’s daughter. How’s he doing?”

“He’s not great… I’ve been trying to get him back up on his feet, but to no avail.”

“Oh god… he’s gonna hate me isn’t he?”

“For a moment, he’ll probably just be happy to see you at first and then he’ll be mad. But when you explain to him what happened he’ll once again just be happy to see you.”

You nod and get out of the car as it pulls into the driveway. Jeremy goes downstairs and you wait by the door as you listen to the conversation.

“Michael? I have a surprise for you.”

“Is it more weed?”

“No.”

“I’m not interested”

“Yes you are. Now sit up and make yourself look slightly presentable. You’ll be happy you did.”

He groans, “fine fine. This better be good though.”

“It will” Jeremy says as he walks up the stairs again. “I’ll hold her, you go down.” You nod and hand Catherine to him and slowly walk downstairs. You inhale the pungent stench of pot and old junk food.

You walk into the room to see him looking in a mirror, trying to fix his hair. The moment he sees you in the mirror, he turns around, “(Y/N)? I-is it really you?”

You nod, the tears already forming in your eyes. He runs over and pulls you into a big hug. God, you missed this. You both cry and hold each other close to make up for the lost time. You find your way to the couch and tell him the story about what happened.

“Please don’t be mad”

“I’m not. I’m just glad you’re back.” He kisses your lips softly, but with desperation. You pull him close to you and run a hand through his hair. It only lasted a second, as Jeremy yelled downstairs, “(Y/N), she’s awake and wants you.”

You may or may not have left out the part about Catherine so he was looking at you with pure confusion. Your face turns into a grin, “come on. There’s someone I want you to meet.”

“Please tell me the ‘she’ he was just talking about is not your girlfriend.”

You giggle, “no, nothing like that.” Going further up the stairs, he could hear the baby crying, “(Y/N)? what aren’t you telling me?”

You take Catherine from Jeremy and walk back over to Michael, standing there in complete shock, “after the night before I left… apparently the pill wasn’t successful, and um… meet your daughter Catherine.”

He carefully takes her into his arms and already starts tearing. “How old is she?”

“About a week.”

He kisses the top of her head, “hi baby, I’m your daddy Michael.”

You straighten his glasses and kiss his cheek, “I missed you.”

“I missed you too.”

#be more chill #be more chill imagine #be more chill musical #michael mell #michael mell x reader #michael mell imagine #reader fanfiction

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