31423- March Wind-

It is windy. I do not like this kind of wind- it's loud and angry. I got up early and went to the gym- how early do i have to go to not see ANYONE?? by 5 the place was starting to get crowded. i'm talking to diabetes guy. i've been listening to youtube videos about relationships and dating. so from what i have heard so far i should be dating as many people as i can. it's good practice. God knows i need it. The goal is to have as many positive dating experiences as possible. the last one was positive. i'll see what happens. today i realized i have a lot of responsibility at work. I'm basically taking care of 6 people. plus taking customer calls and answering questions and for someone- ME- who wants NO responsibility I sure do have a lot. People look at me for answers. WHAT- Maybe i'm still getting use to it. I don't know. so many emails- and just a lot. I do have support. Not always as fast as i want it- Pam has been more than helpful. Today i had to do report cards- next is commissions- I have to make an action plan for myself- a goal. I want to be more organized. But yeah- how this happen? Maybe this will lead to something I enjoy doing a little more? Anything is possible. I feel like a fraud at times- because i really don't care about "our" customers. The ones I talk to are assholes- Sorry you didn't pay your bill and your out of oil- yes please scream at me some more for something you did. Please by all means call your fucking lawyer- you can't pay our bill but you can hire a lawyer. I emailed my lawyer- he is making me a will- i leave everything to Mads- she can do what she wants with my things. I am also getting my name changed. it's going to be weird changing my name- the best part is he told me no charge-

My friend Meredith came to work today. He dog got in trouble for biting her daughter- she was telling me bits and pieces of what happened and it sounded very traumatic- again not one mention of her husband Trevor..

I'm exhausted. I remember when my kids were little. I would take them outside in fresh air and it would tire them out. That's how i feel tonight- tired from being out in wind.

i read on reddit- hahahaha- i don't know how anyone would really know this but i have thought it before- when taking psychedelic drugs your not hearing anything that isnt already there. sounds are enhanced- so are colors.. but i swear i'm not hearing anything that isnt already there- same with what i was seeing-everything was fractals- i'm not scientist but i think everything is made up of fractals.. i found it interesting that someone was saying what i have always thought. obviously this would not apply to every trip- i think mainly mushrooms- acid is a whole nother entity- no way to prove any of it. i have about an 8th of mushies and 1/2 a chocolate bar i plan on taking together. i have to be at the park- tripping in bed is just stupid- right this minute i don't feel depressed. i honestly think it i would have gone on meds i probably could have stayed married. not that i think that's what i should have done- i went on prozac and remember it made me feel like a zombie. i don't remember how long i was on it for but i do remember coming off of it was hard. some people take them and are ok. for some reason i have never wanted to go that route-i'll only take drugs if they get me high. it's true. someone said to me today this time of year is hard for everyone. That's probably not true. I do have moments of happiness- lots of moments of happiness-there just seems to be this undercurrent of sadness that is always there. Today i did everything i could to make myself happy- and it worked. it's a balancing act-

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hallo Ms. Raven! Trick or Treat~ I really love halloween keke <3 May I request for headcanons of Ruggie, Azul, Leona and Leech twins taking care of kid!m/c (due to mishap) and they want to go trick or treat around the school 🧙

Curiouser and Curiouser...

Leona’s grumpy the entire night out, complaining under his breath and with his hands shoved into his pockets. He doesn’t bother keeping you from straying. Leona just kind of lazily saunters after you while you run ahead, eager to get to the next building.

He yanks you back from scampering into dark alleys and shadowed gardens. “Oi, don’t just run off like that. I’m not in the mood to play games,” he growls. “Hmph. Herbivores really have no sense of self-preservation.”

Leona’s not afraid to bonk you on the head if you’re being too loud or hyperactive! Cool it, will you? He doesn’t want a migraine from following you around.

You get tired on the way home, so Leona has no choice but to give you a piggy back ride. It’s so nice and comfy that you end up falling asleep on his back!

Ruggie joins in on the holiday! He’ll get into the Halloween spirit with you and prepare two cheap, homemade costumes (classic white bed sheets to be matching ghosts)~

He encourages you to swipe as much candy as you can get your tiny paws on. People are just handing it out for free, right? Might as well take advantage of it while you still can!

What’s Halloween without some tricks? You and Ruggie can lurk in the shadows and pop on out to terrify any passer-bys.

...While you’re not paying attention, Ruggie is sneaking pieces of his favorite candies out of your trick-or-treating back and into his pockets. He’ll snack on them later--it’s his reward to himself for being such a good hyena and babysitting you for the night!

Leave it to this capitalist octopus to plan the most efficient candy-collecting route! It’s trivial for Azul to do when he has access to so much information. When you return to your young adult form, he will be sure to send you a bill for his services.

He keeps a firm grip on your hand! It wouldn’t do if his client were to get lost or injured on such a frightening night! Azul doesn’t always make the best guardian though--sometimes he gets startled by the decorations more than you do! He’s just a lot quicker at recollecting himself.

Azul will linger in the door way of each house that you stop by and try to bargain with the homeowner for “the best bang for your buck” despite the candy being free anyway. Azul will haggle until they turn over their entire bowl of fun-sized chocolate bars.

The next day, Azul takes you to Mr. S’s shop and points out the 50% discounted post-Halloween candy offerings to you. Prepare for a lesson in supply and demand, little one!

This man has the patience of a saint. Even when you’re bouncing off the walls with excitement, Jade remains poised and calmly reminds you to behave...or else he will hand over all of your candy to Floyd.

He amuses you during your trick-or-treating stroll with scary stories. It’s never anything too frightening half of them involve mushrooms, but they keep you enthralled enough to stay put rather than race ahead to get to the next doorstep.

Though he doesn’t ever voice it, Jade relishes in the little pranks pulled on Halloween. His toothy smile will be on full display every time you nearly trip on an invisible wire or become startled by a loud sound. Ah, but no worries. He’ll offer false reassurances and let you cry in his arms until you’ve recovered.

Jade tends to linger around the person distributing candy, despite you whining and tugging at his pant leg to get moving to the next building. How is the weather? Anything exciting happen recently? Got any dark secrets he can exploit? Jade just loves to make small talk.

Floyd’s the fun chaperone! He’ll race you from place to place to grab candy! So what if you knock over a few people in the process? All that matters is having a good time!

Your bag seems to get lighter in-between houses. Maybe that’s because you and Floyd keep passing candy to one another and snacking while you go from point A to point B!

You hide behind him whenever you come across some scary decorations! Floyd finds all the plastic and fake gore is goofy looking (after all, he’s waaay scarier when he’s in a bad mood), so he has no problems being your not-so-little meat shield.

He doesn’t care how late you stay up! Floyd could honestly go trick-or-treating all night--but if he senses that you’re getting tired, he’ll let you ride on his shoulders until you’re back home.

Snolidays/Snapemas: Day 2

Chestnuts & Christmas Cards // pre-PS/the years between. Minerva & Severus friendship aka Minerva McGonagall’s personal mission to make Sev love Christmas part 2. 

Yesterday’s snowfall had turned to ice overnight. It crunched underneath their boots, leaving behind a trail of sunken footfalls as they crossed the stone bridge and moved towards the tall, wrought iron gates that secured the ancient school. 

The wind wasn’t entirely unpleasant, but Severus still took a moment to adjust his hat, pulling it down over his ears to keep his hair from flitting about in his face. Beside him, Minerva had her hands tucked into the pockets of her woolen cloak and together they made their way towards the waiting carriage that would take them into Hogsmeade. 

Hogsmeade was a special little town that sat nestled between crashing ocean waves and giant boulders, an endless expanse of pine trees, and the outline of an antiquated castle perched high above the cliff sides. It was home to a quaint collection of little shops and taverns, and judging by its newly renovated state, a smattering of wizards who seemed to love Christmas just as much as the deputy headmistress standing beside him. 

“December literally just started.” Severus groaned, as he stepped out of the carriage and looked around the main street that stretched out before them. 

Bundles of garland and red ribbon decorated every light post and rows of twinkling lights and colorful baubles hung from all the nearby trees. Even the air smelled festive and Severus’ lips thinned as he made out the scent of warm cinnamon and ginger - out of contempt or poorly hidden delight, he would never confirm.

Minerva chuckled softly beside him as he eyed the snow-covered rooftops with their dripping icicles that couldn’t be intentional - it was the weather’s doing, for Merlin’s sake - but still seemed intentional against the decorated storefronts that it made him think of gingerbread.

“You don’t have to look so put out,” Minerva teased, leading the way further into what he was now seriously debating was even Hogsmeade at all, “If you want, we can start decorating the castle as soon as we return. I’m sure Albus won’t mind.” 

Severus glared at her in return,

“I’ve changed my mind,” he decided, as they passed the stone statue of the town’s founder confirming this to, in fact, be Hogsmeade and not an asinine Christmas village Minerva had secretly tricked him into going to, “I can just owl-order the things I need, from the safety of the castle.”

Regardless, he continued towards the waiting apothecary because he could not - would not - owl order potion ingredients. He couldn’t trust the shopkeeper (or the blasted school owls for that matter) to fully understand why it was so important for his bicorn horns to be the exact shade of pale yellow he needed or the fragility of bursting mushrooms. 

And contrary to his current attitude, Severus Snape didn’t hate Christmas. He could appreciate a finely decorated tree and he found himself looking forward, and dare he say, a little excited about the upcoming staff holiday party. He wasn’t the bitter, old man inside that Minerva seemed to think he was, all bah-humbug and scowls when it came to anything remotely festive, he just didn’t understand the point of overdoing it and turning the whole town into a fragrant - wonderful smelling - gingerbread village two days into December. 

For Merlin’s sake, he was only twenty-five. That wasn’t enough time for him to turn resentful of the holidays, even if almost every single year had been...less than stellar, by all accounts. It wasn’t like he had never tried to have a good Christmas either, but after so many spectacularly failed attempts, he had decided he was better off not celebrating it at all. 

In fact, he had been quite content the last four Christmases working at Hogwarts and only acknowledging the aforementioned holiday party and maybe the changes to the menu, because yeah, he might feel a little indifferent towards the holiday but he also wasn’t a heathen who didn’t gladly indulge in rum-spiked eggnog and fresh baked gingersnaps. 

Severus shook his head, trying to dislodge the sudden influx of thoughts. His inner dialogue was beginning to sound a little bitter, even to himself.

“Coffee?” he asked loudly, speaking over the first syllable of whatever Minerva had been about to say, no doubt inferring something too close to accurate about his innermost thoughts from the look on her face, and stopping in front of the smiling wizard standing behind a market stall. 

“Afternoon,” the portly man tipped his head at the two, gesturing towards a charmed menu that was currently rewriting itself with the daily special. “What can I get you two?”

They ordered the special at Minerva’s insistence, and handed over a pair of sickles each before continuing on their quest. The coffee was strong and hot, tasting of dark chocolate and peppermint and Severus grimaced at the realization that she had inadvertently (advertently?) found another thing for him to like about Christmas. 

Minerva one, Severus zero. 

He shook his head again; he wasn’t trying to hate Christmas. He didn’t hate Christmas! He was just stubborn to a fault and after Min’s declaration that she would make this year the best yet, a small part of his mind was determined to rebel against it. 

Their time inside the apothecary was quick. The shopkeeper was used to Severus’ particularities and kept to herself as he sifted through bins of precariously piled ingredients and filled his basket with perfectly selected bicorn, jobberknoll feathers, and no less than thirteen jars of things he definitely hadn’t come here for. 

After he paid - and thank Merlin he had secured a position that provided room and board - Minerva led them into the paper and quill shop next door. She had a Hogwarts-sized order of parchment and spare quills to put in, so Severus went to browse the new display that had been erected in front of the store window. Red fabric was spread over the round table laden with gaudy, ribbon-trimmed quills and pots of glitter-infused calligraphy ink. He reached for one of the plastic-wrapped bundles stacked in the center, adorned with all sorts of festive symbolism and sighed as he realized what they were. 

“You should purchase some,” Minerva suggested, coming up behind him and making him jump. He hated when people snuck up behind him. It had once meant certain death and while the threat of an evil, megalomaniacal wizard behind his shoulder was no longer tangible, the sharp tendrils of fear that spiked into his chest had yet to go away. 

He forced himself to relax. 

“Christmas is all about spreading cheer, you know.” Minerva continued, thankfully ignoring the way his breath had seized, but clearly not unaware of it given the way she took a step back and appraised him carefully. “By making others happy, you make yourself happy. Perhaps you’ll benefit from it.”

Severus raised an eyebrow. “Are you implying that all my traumatic childhood Christmases can be attributed to the fact that I’ve never sent out Christmas cards?” he asked dryly. 

“Yes.” Minerva deadpanned. 

He blinked, taken aback by her frankness before he noticed the glint in her eye that indicated she was mostly joking. He looked down at the packages of cards and selected one with a more wintery scene - painted snowflakes and white-dusted evergreens over the eclectic mix of colorful baubles - with a look of feigned resignation, “I guess I’m sending Christmas cards this year.”

“Excellent.” 

They left the stationary store after that and headed for the Three Broomsticks. It was a new part of their routine that Severus had found himself looking forward to - Hogsmeade trips used to be rather anxiety-inducing, lonely and quite dull affairs without anyone to quip with, but now they promised good company and a quiet meal away from the bustle of students. Part of it was due to the genuine friendship they were forming, but another part of it was self-serving - for both of them. 

They were both aware of it, they just elected not to mention their unique combination of post-war trauma and newly created grief that kept them confined to the safety of the castle and feeling more than a little discombobulated in the small town just outside of it. 

The Three Broomsticks was nestled in the midpoint of Hogsmeade, a cozy-looking tavern made from polished wood and frosted windows, that boasted a warm bed and a strong drink to any desiring witch or wizard. The inside was just as quaint and rustic looking, but now it displayed a cascade of twinkling lights and a modestly decorated tree next to the wiped down bar. 

“Afternoon, Rosmerta!” Minerva called out to the barmaid and landlady who was topping off a stein of butterbeer with a healthy splash of firewhiskey for a waiting gentleman. They took their seats at a small table in the corner that Severus had long since dubbed their table and shrugged out of their cloaks.

“Afternoon, you two.” Madam Rosmerta greeted them as she approached them. Her strawberry blonde curls were gathered at the top of her head in a loose bun pinned in place by her wand and Severus internalized a scowl at that. He had seen a few witches - and wizards - use their wand for a quick updo, but he had yet to figure out how it was done and he absolutely refused to ask for help. She was carrying two ceramic mugs filled to the brim with a deep burgundy drink.

“Mulled wine,” she announced, setting them down and Severus noted the orange slice and cinnamon stick steeping in the red wine. “Made it last night.” 

“I really do believe the drinks are the best part of the holiday season.” Severus mumbled, picking up the warm cup and taking a long sip. 

“Come now, they can’t be the best part.” Rosmerta scolded, summoning a menu from the bar and setting it down on the table. “There’s so much more to Christmas than just good wine!”

“Nothing worthwhile.” Severus said simply, picking up the menu and skimming it. He always ordered the same thing, found comfort in stability, but he also couldn’t resist holiday menus when the time arrived. 

Minerva looked apologetic as she ushered the barmaid away after a quick scan of the menu and turned to glare at the now scowling potions professor. “Severus!”

“So, do you have a list you’re working from?” Severus asked mildly, picking up his wine and focusing intently on the red-tinted pulp of the orange floating in his drink. “Or are you simply making things up on the spot?”

“Pardon?”

“Your mission to make this year the best Christmas ever.” he specified. “Are you working from a list? Is there a schedule we’re following and can I be made privy to it, so I can plan my potion brewing around it?” He picked up the package of cards. “Or are you just forcing me to take part in things as they come up?”

Minerva eyed him carefully, picking up her own cup. “A little bit of both.”

“Do I get to hear what you do have planned?”

“Some of the classic activities I suppose - decorating the tree, going to look at the lights, maybe visiting Christmastown, baking cookies, go caroling -”

“Caroling?!”

“- maybe decorate a gingerbread house.”

Madam Rosmerta returned before Severus could say anything else, guiding bowls of butternut squash soup and a plate of cheese toasties onto the table with her wand. “There you go, dears.” she smiled, setting down a smaller plate piled with iced gingersnaps. “These are on the house - first bake of the holiday season. Should help get those spirits up.” She sent Severus a pointed look that he deftly ignored and Minerva glared at him again.

“If you’re going to glower at me every time we go out this month, I might just stop going out with you.” he bristled, picking up a toastie and dipping the corner into his soup. 

“Maybe you should stop being so bitter then.” Minerva returned.

“What, because it’s Christmas?” he asked, pausing to take a bite. “Oh, such a joyous time of year! Look how absolutely delighted I am to share a room with wine-drunk wizards,” he gestured a hand towards the bar, where a pair of cherry-faced dwellers were singing the words to A Cauldron Full of Hot, Strong Love, “and a goddamn tree!”

“Severus!” Minerva admonished again and this time, Severus hunched his shoulders at the tone. He had gone too far, he could tell from the way her face had smoothed out entirely, giving her a look of cold indifference. 

“I’m sorry.” he muttered, swirling his spoon through his soup. 

Minerva didn’t say anything and they ate their food in awkward silence. At one point, a pitcher floated over to their table and refilled their mugs before making its way back to the bar. When they were done, Severus eyed the gingersnaps and wondered if it would be considered poor etiquette to reach over and help himself. The mood at the table didn’t feel particularly deserving of cookies. 

Then again, he had once attended dinners at the Malfoy’s with The Dark Lord sitting at the forefront and the ambience of those days didn’t stop anyone from helping themselves to an extra piece of focaccia bread. He winced; it felt wrong to compare past - genuinely traumatic - dinner events to the silence before him. Minerva wasn’t an enemy, he was simply a bastard. 

“I don’t hate Christmas,” he finally broke the silence. “I just find myself wondering over the point when every Christmas I’ve tried to celebrate properly has ended in disaster. I’m perfectly content with not bothering over it anymore. The lights are pretty and the food is good, and I look forward to watching Rolanda drink everyone under the table later this month, but I’ve stopped putting merit in the holidays. It’s less disappointing that way.”

Minerva pushed the plate of cookies towards him, like some sort of reward for  opening up. Which, he supposed, it sort of was. She picked one up and took a bite and only then did he grab one too.

“I don’t get why you’re so determined to fix that.” he added, shrugging. 

He bit into the cookie, savouring the meld of flavors - ginger, molasses, warm vanilla. He couldn’t imagine a more perfect gingersnap and he found himself raising the cookie in a gesture of appreciation as he made eye contact with Rosmerta. 

“Elphinstone loved Christmas.” she said simply, taking another bite of her cookie and shrugging as if she hadn’t just dropped a bombshell of emotional manipulation by invoking the name of her dead husband over a plate of cookies on what had started as a pleasant Monday afternoon of running errands after class. 

“I-” Severus began, but then stopped. 

“We weren’t married for long, I know, but I knew him for 23 years.” she continued, as if he hadn’t spoken. Her eyes seemed a little faraway now. “We would always make the most of his vacation days - see the lights, visit the Christmas market, decorate the tree, roast chestnuts and drink hot cocoa. He loved carolling, had a good voice for it.” 

Severus looked down at his cookie, scraping at the white icing with his thumbnail and effectively crumbling away the hand piped snowflake. 

“I’m not making you celebrate Christmas with me because I’m lonely.” she clarified, eyeing him sternly. “If you don’t want to do anything else on this list, I won’t make you. I just don’t want you going through life thinking it’s all bad and that good things can’t happen to you.”

“I don’t -” 

“Yes, you do.” Minerva scolded. “Don’t think I don’t see you wallowing every time you catch sight of yet another reminder that this is supposed to be the happiest time of the year. You don’t have to be the cheeriest person to ever walk the earth, for Merlin’s sake, Severus, but you’re letting bitterness take a hold of you and I won’t stand for it.” 

Severus tried to scowl back, but Minerva could see right through him. 

“Do you know why I accompany you to Hogsmeade?” she asked and Severus grimaced. They weren’t supposed to talk about it; this was one of those stones better left unturned things. 

“Don’t say it please.” he whispered, feeling dread curling in his stomach. He hated to think himself as weak and his inability to enter Hogsmeade alone - any bustling wizard town, at that - was only utter proof that he was. 

“Your paranoia is valid.” Minerva said quietly, saying as little as possible and yet too much at the same time. “Don’t be ashamed of having trauma, but don’t let it turn you into a bitter, shriveled up, old bastard either.”

“Are we still talking about Christmas?” he asked ruefully. 

“You know we aren’t.”

Their empty plates and half-filled mugs suddenly got up and floated away only to return as a pair of traveling paper cups topped with more wine and a splash of something stronger. They nodded their thanks at Rosmerta and shrugged back into their cloaks. They kept a tab at the Three Broomsticks, so paying wasn’t a concern as they exited the building and headed towards the castle in silent agreement to skip the carriage ride. 

“So, roasted chestnuts?” Severus brought up, as they crunched over the dirty ice that coated the path back home. “Like, in the song? That’s a thing?” 

Minerva nodded. 

“Can we do that, then?” he asked casually, trying to make amends. “I noticed the apothecary had a basket full of them. Perhaps we could return and pick some up.”

“Already taken care of.” Minerva replied, reaching into her pocket and pulling out a small burlap sack bursting with its lumpy contents. “You were too busy holding jars of lacewing flies to the light you never even noticed.”

“Roasted chestnuts then.” Severus nodded, ignoring the jab towards his particularness. “And uh, thank you for accompanying me to Hogsmeade,” he added, trying to sound indifferent to it, like it wasn’t such a difficult thing to admit aloud. “I know it's hard for you too.” 

The witch smiled softly, as if being reminded of her - what, only three months now? - deceased husband and her old life living in the small town was a pleasant memory. And perhaps for her, it was. Perhaps he was letting grief turn him bitter. What did the deaths of his only friends and both his parents have to do with Christmas? Years had passed since both and yet the newly-created widow walking besides him was coping far better than he could ever hope to. 

“I think we should talk about Christmas present shopping.” 

“I was just going to -”

“And don’t say you were going to owl-order them.” Minerva interrupted, narrowing her eyes at him. “There’s nothing personal about circling a few things in a catalogue.”

“What do you propose then?”

“We’ll go gift shopping together. Tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow?”

“Tomorrow,” Minerva confirmed, taking a sip of her drink. “It’s too early in the month for most people, so Diagon Alley won’t be crowded at all, let alone on a Tuesday. Shouldn’t make you too uncomfortable, yes?”

Severus offered a smile at the unexpected accommodation and nodded. He cradled his paper cup of mulled wine close to his chest, feeling a warmth that came from more than just the hot drink. 

--

a/n: oops maybe got carried away with this one? it would mean the world to me if you told me what you think of this bc im v proud of it. 

“Let me help you.” for Clark and Bruce please?

i’m making these rounds of prompts au so i present: new neighbor au (note: i know next to nothing about the bat fam pretty pretty please do not kill me i’m begging) 

Bruce Wayne already hated moving into the house, although the house itself wasn’t particularly bad. Jason and Dick were already fighting over who got the corner room (they didn’t know Cass had already started to set up a vanity there) and he had already heard at least one bad crack from a kitchen box. 

But it was fine. 

This did not explain why there was a strange man in his house, talking to Jason as if this was a regular occurrence. 

“Who are you?” Bruce asks bluntly. “And what the hell are you doing in my house?” 

“Dad!” Jason hisses. “This is our new neighbor, Clark Kent. Be nice.” 

“It’s okay, I technically did come into the house without his knowledge,” newly-named Clark Kent admits. “I’m sorry, I just noticed that your son was struggling with a box labeled ‘dishes’ and figured it’d be better to help than to schedule a trip to the store for more plates.” 

He was right. This was the problem. 

(This guy was also ripped, had on a pair of thick, black frames that somehow looked good, and looked like he probably ripped logs in half when he was bored.) 

“Thank you,” Bruce says curtly. “But I think we have it from here.” 

He hears a yell from the yard, and it’s Dick and Tim fighting over a box that got dumped over. 

Inside is the office computer, which is now not an office computer but scraps for one of the kids to use for some project that hopefully isn’t world domination. 

(It’s not like Bruce can’t replace it, it’s just that...well he doesn’t want to go monitor shopping.) 

“Let me help you,” new-neighbor says. He’s too damn earnest. 

“I’m fine,” Bruce grits out. “Believe me, I can handle it.” 

“You just moved in with more kids than I think I’ve seen, it’s been a long day. At least let me make you dinner.” 

“Please?” Duke asks. 

Clark gestures as if saying “I was right.” 

“Your cooking kind of...sucks.” 

“It’s not that bad.” 

Jason pokes his head out now to yell for pizza. 

Bruce pinches the bridge of his nose. “Fine. Dinner is fine. Thank you. It’s not necessary. You will spoil my kids. But thank you.” 

“Um...how many are exactly in your family?” 

“Shoot for ten, that’s probably good,” Duke says. 

To his credit, Clark only blinks once. 

“Gotcha,” he says. “Dinner will be ready in two hours, give or take. I have a...store trip.” 

Bruce slips him cash. 

“Here. I know it’s a pain. You can back out of it or order pizza. If you order pizza, that’d probably work.” 

“Pizza sounds good. I’ll get pizza. Any allergies?” 

“Don’t put mushrooms on it!” Cass yells out the window. “They suck!” 

“No they don’t!” Damian yells back. “You have no taste!” 

Clark grins. 

“I think I’m gonna like having you guys as my new neighbors.” 

- 

Clark thinks his new neighbors are fun. He can sometimes hear yelling and the boys are chasing each other around the kitchen. They practice what looks to be a game of tag but with consequences in the backyard. 

Their father is very interesting. He leaves the house at five each morning for work, and Clark only knows that because he’s on a run every day with Diana, who is also as insane as he is. 

“He looks nice,” she says, craning her neck. 

“Way to be obvious,” he comments. 

“Like you aren’t,” Diana says, laughing. “Catch up to me before I lap you again.” 

Clark rolls his eyes. “Fine.” 

“When was the last time you dated?” 

“You know the last time I dated,” he responds. “I’m fine with not dating.” 

“And yet I think you’d actually want to date a man who has what seems to be an infinite supply of children,” Diana responds. 

“You make it sound creepy.” 

“I can’t keep track of them. I keep seeing new ones.” 

Clark tells her all about the kids. How he sometimes talks to Tim about school over the fence, or he’ll bring over dessert since Cass mentioned no one knows how to bake besides Alfred, but Alfred retired. 

(Note: find out who Alfred is.) 

Who he doesn’t talk much to is Bruce. Which is odd, considering he knows that he’s home quite a bit. 

(Windows are clear, you see things through them. That’s his reasoning.) 

Bruce is a very interesting man, because he’s always out with the kids throwing around a ball, or taking at least one of them around the neighborhood learning how to drive. 

(Clark is scared for Cass to actually have a car she’s run over about seven different mailboxes.) 

It’s when he gets his doorbell rung and standing there is Duke and Damian. 

“You’re coming to family dinner,” Damian says. “We figure we owe you for always climbing your fence to get the baseballs and for sometimes probably keeping you up until two a.m. because we’re debating on food.” 

“I’ve learned much about pineapple on pizza,” Clark says. “What time should I show up? Do you guys want dessert?” 

“Dessert would be great, and dinner is at six-thirty,” Duke says, grinning. “Still remember those lemon bars you made. Best things I’ve ever had.” 

“I’ll bring some over then,” Clark says, grinning. 

- 

Unofficially, the kids have noticed that their dad needs someone. 

Well okay he doesn’t but occasionally he looks at their neighbor a second longer. 

(Tim did the math.) 

So Clark gets invited to dinner. Besides, they’re tired of simply talking over a fence. And Alfred suggested knowing at least one neighbor just in case one of them got in trouble and Bruce was away on business or the like. 

Bruce does not know that Clark got invited to dinner. 

Or that he can actually casually wear t-shirts. 

(He wonders if he tailors his t-shirts.) 

“What are you doing here?” He asks. 

“Was I...not invited?” Clark asks. 

“Oh, you definitely were,” Dick says. “We decided to be neighborly. We followed Alfred’s advice, Dad. You know how good that is.” 

Bruce knows he cannot argue against Alfred. 

“Welcome,” Bruce says. “I hope they didn’t badger you into bringing another dessert.” 

(Oh let it be known Bruce is a liar, he was hoping for a dessert.) 

“Duke requested lemon bars, so I had to fill a need,” Clark explains. “Thanks for letting me crash your dinner.” 

“It isn’t a problem,” Bruce says. “Tim, go get another chair.” 

“Why do I have to get the chair?” 

“Damian, go get the chair.” 

“I am hated in this family,” Damian declares, getting up from his seat. “But I’ll go get it.” 

“I appreciate you!” Clark calls, navigating through the kitchen easily. “Mind if I set the dessert down?” 

“Not at all, let me squeeze past you to get the water glasses.” 

Okay so maybe Tim scoots his chair back and Bruce is used to just moving out of the way and avoiding getting the back of a chair shoved into his stomach but then he runs into Clark. 

“Sorry!” he says. 

Bruce is against his back. 

“It’s fine,” he says, straightening himself up. “Tim, quit moving your chair at ill-opportune times.” 

“Sorry,” Tim says, looking not-sorry-at-all. 

Bruce sends him a dirty look. 

Damian shows up with the chair, grinning. 

“Sorry about the kitchen, tends to be a hard-to-get place with all of us. Anyways, water?” 

Bruce hates his kids. They are not slick about anything. Cass cannot look him in the eye without smiling. 

Clark is oblivious. 

Dinner is...good. Better than good. Clark is surprisingly good with dry humor, and entertains the kids with stories of his greatest journalism feats. 

(Bruce is impressed.) 

He also handles the sheer volume of kids with a certain amount of grace. He listens carefully when Tim’s talking, even when Jason yells over him for someone to pass the dessert. 

After dinner, Clark is invited to the backyard porch to have a drink while the kids play outdoors. 

“You do a nice job,” Clark says. “It must get pretty crazy, all by yourself.” 

“It can be,” Bruce admits. “Although the kids have grown up enough to know when they need to quit it. Mostly. Sometimes they still fight about things like ice cream.” 

“The great flavor debate,” Clark nods. “Your stance on chocolate chip cookie dough.” 

“Oh god, you’re that guy?” 

“It’s the superior flavor!” 

“That is the most boring answer you could’ve given.” 

“And what is your answer?” 

“Peppermint.” 

Clark stares at him. 

“What?” 

“So you only have ice cream, like, once a year?” 

“Sure. Don’t really like any other flavor.” 

Clark shakes his head. 

“Not mint?” 

“Mint is still good, but not the best.” 

“And your stance on the lemon bars?” Clark asks. 

“I hid some in the fridge so I could get more,” Bruce admits. Clark laughs. 

Bruce likes the sound of that. He likes how Clark looks under those stupid fairylights that Duke and Cass had snuck into the cart when he wasn’t looking. (They looked good, he had to admit.) 

He looks away for a moment. 

“It’s getting dark,” Clark says. “I have an early day tomorrow, I better head home.” 

“Feel free to come any time,” Bruce says, nodding. “I mean that.” 

“I get the feeling you never say things you don’t mean,” Clark answers. 

Bruce smiles slightly. 

“How’d it go?” Dick asks. 

“Do not ask me.” 

(That means it went well.) 

- 

Clark comes over to the house a lot more after that, as well as having the Wayne family over to his. 

Lois makes fun of him when he has his phone background a picture of him and the family in the backyard for Tim’s birthday. 

“You need to marry in,” she says. “Enough of this.” 

“We’re just neighbors.” 

Lois starts humming music from The Sound of Music and Clark gives her a look. 

“You still need to meet your deadline by tonight!” Lois calls back. “I know you can do it!” 

He sighs, turning back to his desk. 

Tonight was his turn to host dinner, and it was all of them. He still had to leave work early (if he could) and get the makings for the rest of the meal. 

Dear Clark,  Duke mentioned that you have an upcoming deadline at work. I am aware this could impede your timing for tonight’s dinner. I am going to the store with Cass. What do you need for dinner?  From,  Bruce Wayne. 

Clark snorts. Bruce always texts like that, no matter who it is. He texts his own kids like that, no matter the circumstance. 

Thank you, Bruce. I need one more pound of ground beef and some drinks (juice and stuff like that.) I will pay you back when you get back. 

Dear Clark,  Payment is not necessary. All of my children have subjected you to debates about “pineapple” and “government conspiracy theories.” No problem.  From,  Bruce Wayne. 

“Why I’m attracted to you, I have no idea,” Clark mutters, rolling away from his desk to get another coffee. 

- 

“You should get him flowers,” Cass says, looking at the bouquets lined up. 

“Why?” Bruce asks. 

“People like flowers,” she says. “And they’re used when you like someone.” 

Bruce slowly swivels his head. 

“Would you like to pretend that I never heard you?” 

“Not really. You’re the one grocery shopping for our neighbor that’s your type and refusing payment.” 

“How do you know what my type is?” 

“When Tim and Jason get bored it gets bad.” 

“Remind me to rescind talking privileges in-house.” 

“Noted, but disregarded. We need gummy worms.” 

“We do not need gummy worms.” 

They still get thrown in the cart. 

And now Bruce is nervous for a dinner that is literally just a dinner but maybe he should get flowers. 

He gets sunflowers. Because Clark is a Kansas boy and roses are overrated anyways. 

- 

Clark gets flowers from Bruce,who by all means looks quite flustered. 

“They’re wonderful,” he says, smiling. “Cass help you pick these out?” 

“Nope, his idea,” Cassie says, digging into her pockets. “I bought gummy worms.” 

Clark blinks as she steps off to go see her brothers. 

Bruce winces. 

“Sorry if that’s a bit...forward. I figured you’d like the sunflowers.” 

“Not too forward at all,” Clark says. “In fact, I’d like an after-dinner conversation, if you don’t mind.” 

Bruce blinks. 

“Um. Yes.” 

That is the first time he had ever said “um” in Clark’s presence, so this is a pretty momentous occasion. 

Dinner is still nice. Bruce is a bit lost in thought and Clark has to refocus in on the conversation of Dick bitching about his new floor routine and the coach who’s making it impossible to practice. 

The kids have enough sense to offer to either a.) go work on homework or b.) do the dishes. 

Clark leads Bruce to the backyard, sitting on the patio furniture. They overlook his garden. 

“I don’t know why I kept the fence,” Clark says. “Not like anyone’s to the right of me, and your family comes over often enough we don’t really need one. Wanna help me remove it?” 

“Is that what your after-dinner conversation consisted of?” Bruce asks. 

“No,” Clark says. “But I needed to say something else so I got courage to say what I want to say.” He takes a breath. 

“Bruce, you are without a doubt the strangest man I have ever met. You send text messages like you’re sending business emails, yet you always participate with Jason’s internet dances and even, on occasion, help prank other siblings. You pretend like you never know anyone’s interests but you have gotten me my favorite jam at least once and make the kids’ favorite desserts for dinner. 

“Furthermore, I think I am incredibly in love with you because you look nice in suits and you got me sunflowers because you know I like them. You are also one of the best people I’ve ever met. So I would like to take you on a date.” 

“A real date?” 

“As opposed to what, taking you to a meeting with my journalism team?” Clark asks. 

Bruce smiles softly. 

“I am joking.” 

“Nerd.” 

“Where is the date going to be?” 

“I figured we actually go to that restaurant we always order takeout from instead of ordering enough for twenty people,” Clark teases. 

“Sounds good to me,” Bruce says. “We’ll need to not tell the kids or they’ll want to spy on us.” 

“Obviously. What day works for you?” 

“Wednesday?” 

“We both tell them it’s a late night at the offices, start without us,”  Clark says, grinning. 

“I can’t wait.” 

- 

The date goes quite well. The kids are very sad to have missed it, although they make sure everyone knows that they were the ones who set the two up in the first place. 

“You have to say it in your wedding vows,” Dick says. “I was the one who planned it.” 

“I was the one who pushed my chair!” Tim yells. 

Cass rolls her eyes, shares a look with Duke. 

Bruce shakes his head. 

“You are not getting credit for Clark asking me to go on dates with him, Dick. You get credit for not unloading the dishwasher this morning, however.” 

“Ugh.” 

Damian snickers from his position on the couch, and gets a flowering look from his older sibling. 

“Where’s your date tonight?” Duke asks his dad. “Going somewhere special?” 

“Maybe,” Bruce answers. “It’s Clark’s turn to choose. I never know with him.” 

(He knows. They’re going to a farmer’s market. Barbara Gordon also knows this and has told Jason, who finds it hilarious that his dad, who usually is very Stern and Serious will be pulled into conversation on different strains of heirloom tomatoes.) 

Pick of the Month: Fortify Kitchen & Bar

Author: ArtsyChowRoamer

Pick of the Month

FORTIFY KITCHEN & BAR IN CLAYTON, GEORGIA

One of the main reasons we decided on a road trip to Clayton, Georgia recently was all the noise we had been hearing about the Fortify boys. The friends from days at Lake Rabun together that led them to open their own place down the road a piece. This post will give you all the info on why they are my pick of the month.

Owners Jack Nolan and Chef Jamie Allred have put together a stellar farm to table concept which these days seems to be the mantra of every restaurant. But they really mean it; putting together a video on their website and naming over 20 different local farms they are sourcing from to prove it.

This kind of resources allows Chef Jamie to change up his offerings seasonally. Having just released the fall menu you might think the usual suspects would be on there but there are more than a few surprises and his own take on some oldies but goodies.

RESERVATIONS SUGGESTED

It was suggested to us before that reservations were a good idea even before Covid restrictions limited seating to get the social distancing right. Even though we were visiting mid week 6:30 was the earliest available the week before.

I sent a message that we would like to get in earlier if they had a cancellation at opening time of 5. Don’t roll your eyes at that. We just have found that getting in at opening time insures the least number of people, the speediest service for shorter stays and the best sanitized situation for the evening.

Happy was I to receive a call that day around 2 that they would be able to take us at the earlier time as requested. We left our hotel up the street and walked the few blocks where crowds were already gathering at the door; some with reservations and some without hoping the earlier time would net them a sneak in.

CASUAL COZY ATMOSPHERE

The host and hostess were wearing masks along with our server I was glad to see. The bartender was also masked up and busy with social distanced diners being seated at the bar. This reassured me feeling like they were putting safety front and center for their customers.

The restaurant had a nice casual atmosphere with a coziness from metal details, old brick and traditional light fixtures with a modern twist. I noticed a sign with an arrow that said Local Art and realized that everything on view was most likely for sale by artists living in the community.

I took the opportunity to snap a few photos for this post to give you an idea of what to expect and some of the art the restaurant sports on it’s walls. The waiter dropped by to give us our menus and tell us about the specials for the day while we decided what kind of wine to order.

They have a very nice selection so I tried the William Hill Estate cabernet while my husband decided on a German white Riesling. Both selections were excellent and were terrific with the different breads offered in our bucket along with flavored butters.

FIRST COURSE

Since fall was in the air I decided that a good soup was going to be my first course and went with the Butternut Squash with pumpkin seed pesto, fried sage and a maple drizzle. My husband went for the Short Rib soup on the specials list.

Soups, salads and snacks ranged in price from $6-13. Choices included usual suspects like a Spinach or Caesar salad and fried green tomatoes but Chef’s take and local sourcing added ingredients like pickled red onion, candied bacon, roasted sweet potatoes, poached apples, goat cheese and house made dressings.

Not the usual suspects would be coca cola braised pork cheeks, fried gouda fritters or clams done in a Mexican style. Let me just say those fritters are addictive. One arrived in the middle of my husbands short rib soup and it was heaven in of itself.

The meat was fork tender and tasty like eating barbecue with this crispy melty thingy going on! Hard to describe but most definitely delicious. My soup was luscious, thick and rich with cream. The pesto and sage provided background flavors and texture with added sweetness from the maple drizzle; a perfect cold night Southern dish that will please throughout the fall season.

HARD TO CHOOSE AN ENTREE

We looked over the menu again to pick an entree and it wasn’t easy. He went with the duck breast in a roasted red pepper sauce and I wanted to try seafood and waffled back and forth between the trout and fried shrimp platter ending up with the shrimp. Pricing ranged from $18-35.

Both dishes arrived in a timely fashion as I snapped my pics with nicely composed plates. The only criticism I would offer in this area would be wiped plate rims to meet a more perfect expectation of this level of dining.

I tried the duck first. We were asked if we wanted it medium rare or more. We ordered it medium rare which is the way I think duck breast should be cooked giving you a crispy skin hopefully with a texture on the meat similar to a medium rare steak.

A word about duck expectations. My husband is from Eastern Europe where the duck is most often offered with the bone thereby allowing them to render that duck into fall of the bone capacity. My husband is always expecting that even when it isn’t possible!

I reminded him you can’t do that with no bones-it will only dry it out and make it tough. I loved the dish both texturally and taste wise with a polenta cake and crispy relish of shallots, mushrooms and grapes. Having said that if there were anything to wonder about it was the red pepper sauce.

Lovely in conception but not quite sweet enough for duck I think but I could be wrong. My husband loved the sauce. My dish felt like a homegoing homage to the South with the fried shrimp set off with collard greens, coleslaw and hushpuppies.

Chef’s version of cocktail sauce was a miss for me without the horseradish zing you want. I asked for the Remoulade which was much better and seemed to work well with the other flavors overall. Something called comeback sauce was offered as well.

I’m thinking my next trip will include the trout with lemon scented rice pilaf, pecan roasted brown butter and fresh dill. You probably would be happy with the beef, chicken or pork dishes on offer as well. Sides like fried rice, Napa slaw, beer battered onion rings and buttermilk mashed potatoes all speak to seasonal freshness with a wink to Southern preparation.

DESSERT AND SPECIALTY COCKTAILS

While we were too full to try dessert the choices were tempting and several included chocolate. The photo below will give you a good idea what to expect if you have a sweet tooth.

Besides having nice wine selections Fortify is pretty proud of their signature specialty drinks. There are 8 on the menu for $10 that range from a sour, to an old fashioned along with a Pink Panther and a Smoking Jacket. There is a pleaser for any taste here. The video below will give you a better idea.

A WORD ABOUT PI

Fortify became such an instant hit that they decided to branch out and add the location next door known as Fortify Pi and it’s all about the pizza. You can have one of their designs with the latest and freshest ingredients or you can make your own with different price levels of choices.

They are making some good pie in that restaurant. Sitting at the bar, outside or at a socially distanced table this more casual atmosphere makes for a lively entertaining lunch or dinner choice especially if you can’t get in to the other location. They were crowded as we were leaving from dinner.

CONCLUSION

All in all we enjoyed our road trip to this little gem of an artsy community. You don’t normally find this level of dining and commitment to ingredients in the North Georgia mountains. I can highly recommend you visit the area and don’t miss either of their locations. You won’t be disappointed.

If you enjoyed what you read you might also like other posts under Edible Fare and on Clayton, GA too. Hey, don’t be a stranger! If you visit, let me know what you ate and what you thought. Look for more upcoming posts on this area soon. Until next time…

Cheers!

ArtsyChowRoamer

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Quarantine, Day 76

Another quiet day in quarantine, a fact I am trying to appreciate as being generally good. The kiddo was back on his school schedule after the long weekend but he forgot to take his medicine this morning, which made for a more laborious day of lessons than necessary. He eventually got everything done, even though it took until after lunch. His reward was getting to use the new leaf sweeper on the deck, which is on the power scale halfway between hair dryer and leaf blower. We also did another round of playing with squirt guns, which led to another round of laundry. I definitely feel like I should've brought more clothes for all of us back when I did the trip home. 

I made pot roast for supper, another excellent crockpot meal. You take a little beef roast, shoulder roast maybe, something cheap, and you put pepper and garlic salt all over it. You pour a bag of baby carrots and a bunch of raw potatoes in one-inch cubes into the bottom of your biggest crock pot, and then set the roast on top of them. Pour on an envelope of onion soup mix, then a can of cream of mushroom soup, a can of sliced mushrooms with the liquid, a little red wine and a good shake of worcestershire sauce. Cook it allllllll day long. It's delicious, but the carrots are the best part. 

Pot roast is another recipe that got handed down from my paternal grandmother, who was a heck of a cook. She had dementia in the last years of her life and I've been thinking about her a lot lately, for obvious reasons. I was not around very much in her last few years, already married and away at law school downstate. My aunt already lived with her, so with a daytime companion she was able to stay in her home for a long time, but eventually she faded so much that we had to find a nursing home for her with a locked unit. I visited there a couple of times, but she didn't really know who I was. I try not to remember her that way, and feel lucky that I have a whole childhood full of memories of growing up right next door to her, learning to cook and garden and play double solitaire, even if the lessons on cleaning never sunk in. When I think about it, I can still remember the way her house smelled, even though it's a scent I couldn't possibly put a name to. 

Yesterday the visit with my FIL went very well; he was more animated and asked lots of questions about the stories they told him of what we'd been doing, and seemed to be enjoying himself. Today was not as good, but I guess there will always be ups and downs.No real changes in his health, except for more medical updates to suggest that trying to bring him home would be unworkable. They are taking good care of him there, and we couldn't do it here. There are no good answers and all we can do is hope that enough people behave themselves that we can eventually see him in person again. Neither time nor human behavior appear to be on our side, but there is no reason not to keep hoping. At least we can see him and talk to him, which we could not do at all for the six days in the hospital. 

MIL is feeling much better after a couple days on antibiotics and is really looking forward to getting her brace off on Friday. I very much hope she can do so, despite the fact that she has not been resting her leg nearly enough and getting the brace off will likely not help that state of affairs. Tonight we got her set up to do a Zoom meeting with a bunch of teacher friends. It's a group that she has belonged to for years, but gave up going to because she had to be with FIL almost all the time and stopped going anywhere at all. They were happy to see her back! It'll be even better when she can meet with them in person again, but she was very happy. I wonder if one lasting effect of the pandemic will be more hybrid meetings, where people get together but also stream with folks who can't be there for whatever reason. If that had been a thing a year ago, she wouldn't have had to feel nearly so isolated. 

A mysterious bandit or bandits has consumed nine of the twelve mini-Hershey bars I purchased for making S'mores. That didn't last long! I'm going to have to decide if we risk a trip to a store merely for candy, decide to do without chocolate goodness, or improvise somehow. The kiddo suggests we make little trays out of aluminum foil the size of Hershey bars and fill them with melted chocolate chips. I worry that would only result in chocolate that cannot be extracted from its foil wrapping, but I do like the way he thinks! 

Everything You Could Possibly Need To Know About Auckland

It’s no easy feat making a move to a new city. But never fear, we’ve rounded up a local’s guide of the best things to try, buy and eat around town so you can live your best life here in Auckland!

Food

We’re happy to report the foodie scene here in the city of sails (it’s a nickname, just go with it) is thriving. Whether you’re looking to get dumped by gyoza or the best fried chicken in town, check out the below for tried and tested local gems.

The Coup, Takapuna – Dare we say it, The Coup puts the colonel’s 11 secret herbs and spices to shame. Don’t pass up a chance to give one of their game-changing Po’ boys a try.

The Blue Breeze Inn, Ponsonby – Any Aucklander will tell you The Blue Breeze Inn is one of the best in town. Featuring a pan-Asian inspired cuisine, head here for a legendary Mai Tai (or two). While you’re at it, order a round of dumplings, pork belly bao and XO noodles. We warn you this spot is addictive!

Eden Noodle House, Mt. Eden – Speaking of dumplings, Eden Noodle House is legendary among locals for a cheap bite. Often with lines out the door, you can’t go wrong with anything on the menu – they’re that good.

Rude Boy, Freemans Bay – Offering classics done right, head here for ultra gram-worthy dishes and sprawling cabinet food that’ll make your mouth water. We recommend the mixed creamy mushrooms or if you’re on the go, a sourdough doughnut from the cabinet.

Sugar, Northcote Point – Take a day and head out to the Chelsea Sugar Factory to Sugar. Their high tea is a must for special occasions and is complimented with some of the best views in town.

Winona Forever, Parnell – Another café doing good things, the Eton Rifle French toast is not to be missed. The big breakfast plate also hits the spot.

Oh Calcutta, Parnell – Serving the best Indian in town, once you try their butter chicken and tandoori salmon, no other will compare.

De Setti Soldi, Epsom – A small but mighty family-run Italian spot offering fresh classic pasta and pizza. You’ll fall in love at first bite.

Prego, Ponsonby – Another fabulous Italian spot offering excellent Italian cuisine. Their spaghetti agioli is a must-try.

Wu & Yu, Mt. Eden – A whacky and wonderful blend of East and West, Wu and You’s menu boasts dumplings, soft shell crab tacos and a dessert menu to die for.

Garden Shed, Mt. Eden – The closest a café will come to a garden picnic, The Garden shed keeps things classic and focusing on flavour and presentation. Their burger is one of the best and not for the faint-hearted.

Giapo, CBD – You’ve never seen ice cream like this before. Prepare for your mind to be blown.

Dr. Rudis, Viaduct – To finish off those big work weeks look no further than Dr. Rudis. Featuring an in-house bowling alley, micro-brewery on-site and live music, see out the week from their rooftop.

Headquarters, CBD – Another after-work favourite, head here for a cold beer, lounge in the sun and boogie to Dad music.

Miann, Morningside – For handmade chocolate creations. BYO stretchy pants.

Lowbrow, Queens Rise CBD – Southern American foods at its finest.

Bars

Deadshot, Ponsonby – Tucked away on Ponsonby Rd, Deadshot is a table service bar where bartenders come to you and whip up a concoction based on your preferences.

Caretaker, CBD – Same as above but in Britomart underground.

The Churchill, CBD – A rooftop gin bar in the Four Seasons on Queen Street. At an international standard, head here when you’re wanting to impress.

Talulah, CBD – A tiki bar with strong neon hues and even stronger cocktails. Our advice, tell the bartender to surprise you, you won’t be disappointed.

Chapel, Ponsonby – Not a destination but a stop along the way on any big night out.

AV Club + Saturdays, CBD – A one-stop spot for when you’re in the mood for a quiet one and a boogie. Saturdays keep things mellow while AV blasts house music at its finest.

Family Bar, K Rd – A hub for the local LGBTQ+ community, head here for non-stop Britney and Beyonce all night long.

Beauty/Hair

We’ve already made the questionable choices, so you don’t have to!

Spring Spa, Ponsonby – From facials to pedicures they do it all! Pro Tip: Ask for Kushbu when booking, she’s a threading genius.

Dry & Tea, Newmarket – For when you want a little more sparkle for a night out.

Rose Quartz Hair Studio, Parnell – One of Auckland’s best kept secrets, owner Michaela’s hands are magic when it comes to hair. And her chat is great too!

Blaze, Newmarket – Masters of their craft when it comes to hair colour.

Health

Sweat up a storm at these spots.

Box Fitness Studio, Newmarket – A boxing class like you’ve never seen before!

Westward Cycle, Newmarket – A spin class by candlelight. Think of it as a dance party on your bike.

KCore Pilates, Victoria Park – Feel the burn at one of the best reformer Pilates classes in town.

Body Tech – Offer curated fitness programmes backed by research, not claims.

Morning People – Pre-work rave? Keep an eye out for weekly pre-work raves at local bar Cassette.

 Shopping

Key malls to check out are Sylvia Park Shopping Centre and Westfield Newmarket. Expect to find classics including H&M, Zara, Kookai, David Jones and Decjuba.

K Rd, CBD – Head here for thrift shopping. Check out Stalgic Society, St Kevins Arcade and The Army Shop.

Ponsonby – A hub for local designers including Ruby, Lonely and Deadly Ponies. Head to Tatty’s for pre-loved designer treasures.

Things To Do

Waiheke – A hop, skip and ferry trip away, Waiheke is a wine-lovers paradise. Vineyards to checkout include Cable Bay, Casita Miro and Mudbrick.

Beaches – Classics include Mission Bay, Kohimarama, Takapuna, Piha and Red Beach.

Staycation - For when you want to get away without getting out, head to The Hotel Grand Windsor. You’ll find yourself immersed in olfactory hospitality with lush rooms, a spa on hand and flowing cocktails from Cooke’s Restaurant & Bar. Dreamy!

Day Trips – Just over an hour and a half away, locals escape to Matakana and Omaha at every chance they get. Matakana’s weekly farmers market is legendary as is Omaha’s expansive range and surf.

Night Markets – On the hunt for local up and coming foodie trends? Look no further than the Auckland Night Markets, where many of Auckland’s hotspots have started.

Rangitoto – Another short ferry trip away, you aren’t an Aucklander until you’ve done the trek up Rangitoto at least once.

Auckland War Memorial Museum – Learn all about basically anything with a stroll around the Auckland Museum.

Cornwall Park – Our answer to a central park, Cornwall makes for the perfect running route and picnic spot.

The Capitol – Level up your dating game and book a movie at The Capitol, a hidden boutique cinema that’s equal parts intimate and magical. And within walking distance of your house!

Stream – While we’re sure you’re missing Stan, we have a killer slate of streaming options. Check out Neon for the latest and greatest movies and HBO drops, Lightbox is only good for The Handmaids Tale, and TVNZ OnDemand, home to The Bachelorette, Grey’s Anatomy and is 100% free!

Creative Mornings – A free series of morning talks from local creatives and industry leaders; topics vary but you’ll only leave having learnt something new. Tickets are limited so be sure to register on creativemornings.com to be in the know!

A Guide To Speaking Kiwi

Guilty of merging and switching vowels and ending every sentence like we’re asking a question; us Kiwis sure do make it hard for newbies to fathom exactly what we’re saying.

Instead of nodding, smiling and acting like you completely understand this unique accent, find an empty room, say the following words out loud and soon enough, you’ll be convincing everyone (and yourself!) that you are a true-blue Kiwi!

Dick: A wooden platform outside a house. Usually enjoyed in the summertime.

Tin: One more than nine.

Iggs: Laid by chickens and often enjoyed with evercardo on toast.

Chups: Chips.

Fush: Found in the sea and enjoyed with chups.

Why-poo: Small seaside town.

Tiddy Beer: Your cuds favourite stuffed toy.

Cud: A young person or goat.

Beer: Large mammal often found in forests.

Beer: Not clothed or covered.

Beer: A cold beverage enjoyed in the summer.

Rung: A piece of jewellery worn on a finger.

Bug: Large/ considerable size.

Bugger That: Not going to happen

She’ll be right: That’ll do. 

Bloody Nora: WTF. 

Beard: Where you go to sleep.

Hid: Rests on top of your neck.

Ear: What we breathe.

Stuck: A thin piece of wood found on a tree.

Pig: Used to hang up wet washing.

Silly-brities: A famous person.

Really: Something that hardly ever happens.

Cheer: Something to sit on, often round a table.

Sucks: Comes before sivven

Have any questions? Concerns? Need a pal? Don’t be scared to reach out! 😊

You can catch me on [email protected] or 02102837039

Next stop on Vancouver Island: 3 days to explore BC’s surfer’s paradise Tofino, and the Pacific Rim National Park Reserve.

The 225km / 140 miles getting from Courtenay to Tofino took us about 4½ hours, excluding our excellent lunch stop in Port Alberni at Twin City Brewing Company (4503 Margaret St), and was a bit longer than planned due to some road work congestion.

We started our trip on the coastal scenic Highway 19A up to Qualicum Beach. At Coombs, we turned south on Highway 4, and after 125km / 80 miles, you will arrive at a T-Junction. You either turn left to Ucluelet or keep following the (now) Pacific Rim Highway to arrive in Tofino after about 30km / 22 miles.

After checking into our Airbnb home pretty much opposite Cox Bay Beach, we drove down to Tofino to enjoy the weather and explore Downtown.

We decided to have early dinner on the at Wolf In The Fog (150 4th Street). The overall quality is pretty good, but the number of restaurants in Tofino is definitely not equipped for the summer holiday surge of people. Therefore, do make your reservations (or alternatively dine early or be prepared to wait about an hour in line for a table around dinner time).

We were early so we got seated on the first-floor patio. Consequently, we had a great view of the quaint town and spotted a couple of bald eagles soaring over the restaurant to boot.

We didn’t go for any appetizers, but I did want to try their specialty Potato Crusted Oyster. Despite happy gulping down the occasional oysters, it turns out that, texturally, fried ones are definitely not my thing. I had better luck with my main dish: pan-fried Ling Cod served with a great Moroccan-style Chickpea and Tomato stew.  Chantal had a delicious Tuna Poke, and we chose 8oz(!) pours of local Canadian wines, a 2017 Chardonnay by Bartier Bros (Oliver, BC), and a 2017 Sauvignon Blanc by Clos du Soleil (Similkameen, BC). The kids had a go at the House Made Pasta, which that day was made with fried Chicken, Mushrooms, and Sage.

The kids had actually done their homework on what to do in Tofino and had selected Tofino Licks for their fancy Soft Serves. We thought it was close-by Wolf In The Fog, but unfortunately, their old address was still included in Google Maps. Consequently, we had to walk from one end of the town’s center to the opposite end (220 Campbell St) to find Tofino Licks in a mini food court operating from sea containers, which consisted of several eateries, and a juice bar.

We loved this concept, and we can’t wait for it to start trending in the Netherlands. Pairing their smooth organic soft-serve ice-cream with delicious toppings from local artisans and restaurants turned out great. We had ones topped with the Chilli Chocolate Diablo Cookie by Tacofino (the original food truck of this Mexican eatery emporium is still just outside Tofino), Sobo‘s key lime pie and RedCan Gourmet‘s fudge brownie.

Unfortunately, the sky became cloudier close to sunset, but our beach walk on Cox Bay Beach was terrific, and the views from the aptly-named Sunset Point were still magnificent.

The next day, the weather changed for the worse (or more to a more normal state we were told), so we decided to drive 30 minutes to nearby Ucluelet. As it started to rain very hard, we only visited the small yet super nice Aquarium (180 Main St) and did some grocery shopping.

Afterward, we returned to our Airbnb and spent the rest of the afternoon doing some laundry, reading books, and sampling some of the BC brews that we accumulated along the way.

Another dinner option we had scoped out on our first walk through town was Kuma Tofino (101-120 4th St). We had a lot of luck to be seated within 15 minutes at a 6-person communal table, but the remaining 2 seats were not allocated during our dinner. We started the oddly refreshing Gin Pop Pop cocktail, combining the local Tofino gin, Calpico (a Japanese milk-based beverage), Grove Seedlip, Cucumber, and Citrus. Chantal was still in beer-mode and chose a Sapporo King Can. The kids had a Yuzu Lemonade, of which the sweet/sour balance was just spot on for them.

There were some Ramen Noodles ordered, and other dishes were ordered based on the family-style sharing concept. Everything was well received, so highly recommended!

Veggie ramen (Mushroom-Ginger broth, Agedashi Tofu, Cabbage,  pickled Shiitakes, and a marinated Egg)

House ramen (Shio-based double Broth, Braised Pork Belly, marinated Egg, Kale, and Nori)

Chicken Karaage (crunchy garlic Chicken, house-made Spicy Mayo, and Yuzu-infused Salt)

Tuna Tataki (seared line-caught local Albacore Tuna, Ponzu, Wasabi Mayo, Ginger, Garlic, and Green Onions)

Okonomiyaki (Osaka-style Cabbage Pancake, Bacon, Cheddar, Tonkatsu sauce, Kewpie mayo, and Bonito flakes)

Miso Braised Beef (soft-boiled Egg, crispy-fried Rice ball, Kale, and Miso Mustard sauce). The latter was eye-watering Wasabi strength deliciousness!

Our last morning in Tofino was spent walking the 2 loops of the Rainforest Trail of the Pacific Rim National Park Reserve, located at the south end of Long Beach close to the Kwisitis Visitor Centre. The trail has two routes, one on each side of the highway, and they are very popular (and the parking limited!) as they are obviously located in a stretch of temperate Rainforest.

This was a first for us, and as it was already raining, the humidity was overwhelming at first (“Fôret Humide” indeed). The temperature was actually quite agreeable, and the elevated walkways and stairs lead us through an astonishing and lush forest with thick green foliage wherever you look.

After this fabulous hike, we visited the Tofino Brewing Company (691 Industrial Way) for some refreshments. We had already tried their Kelp Stout back in Vancouver, so we were looking forward to sampling their other beers. From the flights with all of their beers, we liked the Tuff Session Ale, Blond Ale, and Dimension Ascension Dry Hopped Pale Ale best.

Unfortunately, the food options are limited to some snacks and not enough for a proper lunch. We did have some nibbles with the beers (maple-cured smoked salmon of their neighbors, West Pacific Seafoods, and some artisan pepperoni sticks from Port Alberni’s Pete’s Moutain Meats). As the kids were not a fan, we soon decided to head over 1 lot to Summit Bread Company (681 Industrial Way, Units C&D) to get some fantastic artisanal bread and pastries before heading back to our Airbnb.

Now knowing the drill in summertime Tofino, we had already made reservations for dinner at Shelter Restaurant (601 Campbell St).

Shelter Mule (Cucumber Vodka, Mint, Lime, Ginger Beer) & Frozen Bellini.

As shared appetizers, we chose the Buttermilk Fried Chicken (Farmhouse Chicken Thighs & Maple-Honey Soy glaze, pickled candy cane Beets, and fresh Dill) and Crispy Brussels Sprouts (Toasted Bread Crumbs, and Grana Padano).

To our surprise, our oldest wanted the Steak & Frites as his main course (225g / 8oz flat iron steak, Truffle Parmesan fries, Arugula, Chive Gremolata, red Wine Jus), while our youngest wasn’t all that adventurous by resorting to the – not depicted – Shelter Beef Burger (crispy Bacon, smoked Cheddar, Lettuce, Tomato, Onion, Pickle, Mayo, Red Pepper Relish).

Chantal had a Kale Caesar Salad (Chopped Kale, Romaine, fried Capers, Black Pepper & Garlic Croutons, Grana Padano, fresh Lemon).

I had the Panko Crusted Lingcod Burger (Cabbage, Apple & Miso Slaw, pickled Jalapeño & Crispy Onions, Soy Dijon Mayo), with a side of Truffle Fries and Parmesan Dijon Mayo.

Shelter Restaurant was one of the places that were packed every single day from late afternoon through late. And for a reason: the drinks, food, and service were excellent and we had a delightful last evening in Tofino.

Around the World – British Columbia Roadtrip (2019) – Tofino Next stop on Vancouver Island: 3 days to explore BC's surfer's paradise Tofino, and the Pacific Rim National Park Reserve.

The Legend of Kuzon Chapter 4

Chapter 4: To the Spirit World (Disclaimer! I own nothing of Korra or Kirby!) Korra guided Kuzon to a glowing light in the middle of Republic City. "I can't believe I'm actually going to the spirit world," said Kuzon excited. "Asami is the only other one I've shown this place," Korra said, "Now I get to show you." She turned to him. "One thing though… what was up at that restaurant, you seemed offended with that girl trying to flirt with me." Kuzon sighed. "If I ever come off as homophobic against her…. Its because my first girlfriend cheated on me, and dumped me for a lesbian girl." Korra helf his face, "Do me a favor. If something like that is bothering you, talk to me about it and i'll try to cheer you up. After all that's what girlfriend are here for." "Girlfriend?" Asked Kuzon blushing. "That's right, I'm your girlfriend now, and you gotta deal with it. Now let's check out the spirit world." They went inside the portal and were in the spirit world. "Wow I'm actually here." "This world gets pretty unpredictable at times so stay close to me," Korra said, "I don't want us to get separated." "Sure thing. Sooooo…. Where do we start?" Korra and Kuzon were jumping on top of giant mushrooms and then rode on a dragon creature. They also climbed on top of a rock creature. "I did this with Asami once and she managed to beat me," Korra said. "Uncle Dedede told me about the spirit world, but I can't believe I'm seeing it with my own eyes," said Kuzon. "You're the king's nephew?" "Not exactly. He's a surrogate uncle." Later they were staring at the stars. "This place is incredible," "We should probably head back before people wonder where we are though," "Well before we do, there's one thing I wanna do," Korra smiled knowing what that thing was. The two of them came closer to each other until their lips made contact. Kuzon's arms wrapped around Korra's waist while her's wrapped around his neck deepening the kiss. The two of them were blushing but smiling. Later Kuzon was tuning his guitar back at the garage. "Hello!" Kanji said opening the doors. "Hey guys," Kuzon said. "So how was your date?" Anana, "Tell us all the details." "It was pretty good, nothing exciting happened," said Kuzon. "Are you sure?" I asked, "Not even a car chase?" "…..Guilty as charged," Yeah we've known for a while that Kuzon and Knuckle Joe were the same person. "So yeah, Korra and I were battling this guy with a mask. But I don't know anything about him yet." "I'll bet," "Korra invited me to see her parents again," "Wait, didn't you use to have a crush on Korra's mom as a kid?" Anana asked. "No!" He said defensively, "….Yes." We all laughed. "Guess Korra's mom has got it going on," Kanji said. "Shut up," Later Kuzon and Korra were walking to her parent's house. Tonraq opened the door and was surprised to see Korra. "Korra what a surprise!" He said, "I didn't think you'd be here so soon." "I brought a guest," she said introducing Kuzon. "Kuzon is that you?!" Senna asked hugging him, "Its been so long." “It certainly has,” Kuzon said smiling, “How’s the most wonderful, encouraging, lovable mother of Korra doing?” Senna was use to Kuzon giving her such compliments. “I’m fine thank you very much,” Senna said as she chuckled, “How is the most sweetest, cutest, adorable handsome best friend of my daughter?” Kuzon chuckled and blushed. Korra and Tonraq laughed. “Some things never change do they?” he asked. "Well looks like music has kept me occupied at the moment," said Kuzon. "We can talk about it over dinner," Later they were having some food. "I can't wait to hear about your trip to the spirit world Kuzon. How was it?" "Well, it was amazing," Kuzon said blushing, "Korra really showed me an amazing time….. but something happened along the way." "What is it?" Tonraq asked. "Ok, I'm just gonna say it," Korra said, "I didn't think I'd be this nervous coming out to you." "Whatever you have to tell us we're here," Senna said. "So you know that Kuzon and I have been friends for many years," Korra said. "Yes," Senna said. "And it surprised us more than we expected," Korra said placing her hand on Kuzon's. "Your daughter is an amazing person and i've…. Well I've had feelings for her for years. And to my surprise, she feels the same way about me." "Basically what we're saying is...." Korra started. "We're together," they said in unison. Tonraq and Senna were confused at first but then their expression changed to happiness. "Nothing I expected to hear, but at the same time I couldn't be more happier for the two of you!" "Its wonderful!" Senna said as she hugged Kuzon and Korra "Just one question; who have you told?" Asked Tonraq who was curious. "You two were our first stop," "But once we tell everyone at Republic City, or maybe this town first, everyone's gonna know." "Just be careful Korra," he said, "Some people here won't really take something like this that's out of tradition." Korra glared at him. "What do you mean?" "What your father is trying to say is not everyone from the southern water tribe is gonna be accepting of this relationship, especially since Kuzon is from another nation. No offense." "None taken," "So what if they don't accept it? That's their problem, and I think I'm entitled to tell whoever I want." "Just don't get ahead of yourself," Tonraq said, "You do tend to get a bit overexcited about certain things and…" "Dad' I've dealt with a lot of people who are hell bent on keeping things traditional my whole life," said Korra, "But I didn't realize you were one of them." Kuzon grabbed her hand. "I think its best to get outta here," "Good idea," said Korra guiding him out. "Korra wait!" Tonraq said, "I never meant to make you upset." "A little late for apologies Dad!" She said. Kuzon and Korra were heading for a portal to Republic City. "I wanna apologize about my parents Kuzon, they can be really insensetive," she said, "Well my dad mostly." "Its ok, they were just overcautious, but I think I know what they mean," Kuzon said. He faced her. "I feel no shame being with you all the time, whether we're in front of people or not, but;…. Another part of me is selfish and wants you all to myself." "Also I owe you an apology for putting my own personal feelings before yours, guess I do get a bit overexcited." "Everything's fine Korra, and I'm excited about how our relationship will go," She smiled. "I want you to know something. No matter what happens, I'll stick by your side, for better or worse." She kissed his forehead. "Same here," Kuzon said holding her hand. They found their way to Republic City and I spotted them. "Guys perfect timing!" I said dragging them, "We got an emergency!" A business man, Wonyong Kelim was trying to move a group of air benders from the area. "You have 10 seconds to move this area or I will call the police!" He said. "Count down all you want but we're not moving a single inch!" Said Jinora, "These are sacred lands and you have no right to touch them!" Kuzon approached him. "You wanna take this time to tell us what the fuck-shit you think you're doing?" He asked. "First off, I have no need for filthy language, and second of all, get off my land." "Who's this guy?" "I am Wonyong Kelim," Kelim said, "Pleased to meet your acquaintance." "Why are you here?" Asami asked. "Miss Sato, what a surprise," he said. "Save the flattery," said Asami. "In any case, would you be so kind to get these people off my land?" Asked Kelim. "No Korra don't!" I said, "He's trying to build an amusement park and push the spirits away." "All we want is to make it into a place for tourists," "Whatever it is, you have no right to be here," Mako said approaching. "Mako's right," Asami said, "People like you have no right to be allow it." "Well I've been given a deed to this area which means I can do whatever I want with it!" Korra was talking with one of the spirits. "I promise I won't let him do this," she said. "And I'll do what it takes to help, please don't make us close the portal." The spirit nodded. A pink spirt-humanoid approached the area. Kelim looked at it. "This seems like a good specimen," he said, "Capture it!" I got in the way. "NO!" I said, "Trying to harvest land is one thing, but hunting spirits is taking it way too far!" "Move or you will be moved," Kelim said. "Never!" I said holding on to the spirit. "I want you out of this area NOW!" He shouted, "I'm not afraid to arrest every one of you." He turned to Korra and said, "And I am certainly not afraid to put the Avatar behind bars." Kuzon pushed him away. "Lay off my girlfriend Bub!" Kuzon said ready to throw another punch. "This is your last warning, leave," Kelim said. Korra went into avatar state and was blowing a huge gust of wind. "Leave, NOW!" She said. They all started to leave. "He won't be back anytime soon," Jinora said. "Sometimes a little Avatar intimidation does wonders," Korra said, "Thanks for sticking up for me Kuzon." "Don't mention it," he said. The pink spirit hid behind a tree. "Its ok little guy," I said, "I won't hurt you." I came closer. "Here," I said. I was holding out my Kirby Kreme's Chocolate bar. It started to come closer and take it. "Poyo poyo," it said. "I'll take that as a thank you," I said smiling. The spirit ate it. "I don't think this little fella has a home," I said, "But it looks like he likes Kirby Kreme." "K….K….Kirby," said the spirit. "It spoke!" Kuzon said. "I think I'll look after him for a while," I said, "My name's Saria." "Name Saria," said the spirit, "Name Saria." "And I'm Kuzon," Kuzon said. "Kuzon," the spirit said. "And my name is Korra," Korra said introducing herself. "Korra," said the spirit. "We sure showed those punks who's boss," Kuzon said doing some fighting moves. The spirit opened his mouth and somehow ate Kuzon. "Kuzon!" Korra said. A star came out of the spirit and Kuzon was back. "I'm not even gonna ask what just happened?" He asked. The spirit was doing the exact same moves Kuzon just did and then formed into a human like him only with pink skin. "Whoa," he said in awe. Meanwhile at Police headquarters, Lin was interrogating one of Tokuga's men. Mako and Bolin caught him earlier during a skirmish when his men and another group. "Now what's his name?" She asked, "You're not going anywhere until I get na answer. "I ain't telling you anything," said the man. Mako entered the room. "I think I found something," he said. She went over to him. "You really think he's gonna work?" Asked Lin. "He's worth a shot," Bolin whispered. Lin went back to him. "So I was just having a chat and it turns out you planned the attack on the crystal triads," Lin said. "That's some straight up bullshit," said the man, "It was all Tokuga's….." He quickly covered his mouth. "That wasn't so hard no was it?" Asked Lin. "This guy is a crazy nut who attacks like a demon," said the man, "He killed our original leader and now he's in charge." "It looks like he's not resting until he takes the Crystal triad's turf as well," said Mako. "It looks like he's earned his mark on our most wanted list," said Lin.

What To Do & Where To Eat in Santa Barbara

It’s been a hot minute since I traveled to California, which is really a shame since it’s a quick direct flight for me and it immediately feels like I’m in some far away vacation land. Well, that’s pretty much exactly what it is. Especially Santa Barbara. I hadn’t spent much time in Santa Barbara before this trip and now I’m wondering why it hasn’t been a normal yearly occurrence for me. This sleepy little ocean town has become a bustling area to try amazing food, sip on about a million glasses of wine, and take in the sea breeze as you dip your toes in the water. It’s just simply lovely.

And one of the best parts about being in Santa Barbara is that you can make your way into Santa Ynez Valley. I went to Santa Ynez Valley last year and absolutely fell in love with the area and this time around it was even more beautiful because of all the rain they have been getting recently. The rolling hills of the valley were so incredibly green and everywhere you turn there is another beautiful vineyard. It really is a breathtaking area. And since I didn’t check out the tiny town of Los Alamos when I was in SYV the year before, we decided to stay at the newly renovated Skyview Motel. You can see this iconic roadside motel from the highway and from downtown Los Alamos since it’s perched on a hillside overlooking wine country. And the motel itself includes a beautiful restauant, pool and the cutest rooms – many that include their own patio with personal firepit. I was welcomed by a cute cat each morning who loved our patio furniture as it’s bed. Since it wasn’t warm enough to hang out by the pool while we were there, we enjoyed some cocktails at the restaurant before making our way into town to try even more wine!

When you are in Los Alamos, you have a full block of restaurants, bakeries and tasting rooms to check out, so you can rent a bike from the Skyview Motel and bike into town for a buzzed and full afternoon. We first stopped in at Casa Dumetz for a wine tasting, a really really delicious wine tasting. I’m not huge in to wine or really even know what I like, but I know I enjoyed every single one of these wines. Casa Dumetz makes highly acclaimed reds and whites with premiere fruit grown exclusively in Santa Barbara County vineyards and the wine tasting room shows how much love goes into each one of these bottles. 

And after you try the wine tasting, you can wander next door to Valle Fresh to enjoy some tacos and tapas while you check out all the beers and ciders in Babi’s Beer Emporium. All three spots are owned by chief winemaker Sonja Magdevski to ensure that everyone in your group is happy and satisfied. We ordered a carrot appetizer to get in some extra veggies on our trip, then we loaded up with delicious tacos. It was incredibly easy to eat gluten free here since all the taco shells are made in-house with corn. Everything was so fresh and delicious! We really loved this spot.

Then for our first dinner in Santa Ynez Valley, we made our way to Solvang (where I stayed last time) to the restaurant First & Oak. This restaurant is located inside the Mirabelle Inn and is considered one of the best spots in Santa Ynez Valley since it includes some of the most fresh local ingredients. First & Oak includes many small plates so you can try a ton of different things on their menu, and they recommend creating your own tasting menu to ensure you get the full experience. We ended up both trying a four-course tasting menu and I think three would have been a better idea because we were STUFFED. So so stuffed. I tried the lobster bisque, halibut, pork risotto and white chocolate meringue. Everything was fantastic and the server was so helpful making sure everything we ordered was gluten free! And if you are wine tasting during the day, the owners of First & Oak also own Coquelicot Estate Vineyard in Los Olivos, which is just a quick drive away from Solvang. 

Another meal we had in Los Alamos while we stayed there was at Pico at the Los Alamos General Store. This restaurant is a beautiful spot that serves farm-to-table upscale comfort food. The restaurant also shares their building with local Lumen Wines where you can try all their wines in their tasting room. We tried the mushroom salad, brussels sprouts and short rib, and everything was so fresh and served up beautifully.

And before we left, we ended up eating at Plenty on Bell a couple of times for breakfast! We loved this spot and everything we tasted was cooked to perfection. I ordered the short rib hash and the short ribs and potatoes were both crispy on the outside and soft on the inside. Many people also recommended Bob’s Well Bread Bakery but I didn’t see too many gluten free options on the menu so we stuck with Plenty instead. But if you don’t eat gluten free, I heard Bob’s is fantastic!

Then once we had our fill of the countryside, we made our way back to Santa Barbara to see all it has to offer. We were lucky enough to stay at the Ritz-Carlton Bacara and soak up this absolutely stunning property. This was my first time staying at a Ritz-Carlton resort and it completely lived up to its name. Not only was the staff incredibly attentive and helpful at every turn, but the property itself was perfection. There was always something to do, something to see, and some sort of drink to indulge in. The oceanfront property includes 2 miles of beach to walk on, a nature walk to take your dogs on (yes, it’s dog-friendly!), and they have beautiful pools, hot tubs, and fun games like bag toss and ladders throughout every corner. We spent almost an entire day on the property just having cocktails and playing games. There was really no point in leaving!

Two things I can’t recommend enough is eating at Angel Oak for Sunday brunch AND checking out the Club Lounge on the property. While we ate at Angel Oak for brunch, we were able to sit on the patio overlooking the ocean while professional whale watchers looked on for any signs of whales swimming by. We sadly didn’t get to see any whales ourselves but many people talked about the whales they had seen earlier. I ordered the cobb crab salad when we ate here and it was AMAZING! I hate salads but I ate every bite of this one.

But if you don’t get to see any whales, not to worry, the Club Lounge will keep you happy and entertained. The Club Lounge is very exclusive since they only let about 30-35 rooms enjoy the services that the Club has to offer. In the Club, you’ll have a personal concierge to help you with anything you need whether you need a glass of wine or champagne or a house-made latte. Then you also have a ton of amazing snacks to choose from, including gluten free snacks and treats. I spent so much time in this lounge working on my computer, enjoying breakfast, and getting some snacks to take on the go. It was such an amazing spot to relax and unwind while catching up on work. I loved it so so much!

Then for our first dinner in Santa Barbara, we headed to Les Marchands Restaurant and Wine Shop. This spot was named “Wine Bar of the Year since it is led by a world-class team of certified sommeliers and wine profressionals. You’ll also find more than 400 selections of wine at this spot. So if you’re a wine lover, this is definitely your spot! I found it a tad more challenging to find gluten free items here since many of their entrees are pasta or include wheat, but we still enjoyed a fantastic waygu steak while we were there!

Then for our last full day in Santa Barbara, we finally took a break from all the wine and got to moving. We wandered around Stearns Wharf & Harbor to see all the shops, then we walked down by the ocean, then finally made our way to state street and into Salt. In downtown you would never know that you can find the largest Himalayan salt cave in North America. I always see people with Himalayan salt lamps next to their bed and I never really knew why, but I found out in my own salt session that Himalayan salt has a ton of different benefits like supporting respiratory health, promoting sinus health, preventing muscle cramps, and promotes bone strength, along with a ton of other benefits. And while you’re in the Salt Cave, you can simply enjoy a 45-minute meditation session or you can always book a treatment such as a massage, scrub or a Nexneuro vibration treatment. It’s all very earthy and crunchy, and I love it. It was a great way to break up the day and do something a little different.

Then after we meditated, we went straight to Tyger Tyger. Curry is a dish I could eat for every single meal and I talk about it quite frequently. So when my friend found out I was heading to SB, she said I absolutely HAD to eat at Tyger Tyger and order the pork curry. And HOT DAMN I’m so glad I listened to her because it was lifechanging curry. Not just good or great or amazing. It was LIFECHANGING. We also tried the Malayasian Curried Cauliflower and I almost licked my plate. I couldn’t get enough of this spot. Everything on their menu is marked gluten free and/or vegan, which makes it extremely easy to order. And it’s so unique compared any other spots because within the location, you’ll also find Dart Coffee and Monkey Shine ice cream. And the ice cream has an Asian flair to eat because you’ll find selections like Black Sesame and Mango Sticky Rice soft serve with fruity and crunchy toppings to sprinkle all over.

And for my last meal in Santa Barbara, my friend took me to LoQuita to enjoy some traditional cooking methods of Spain. I’ve never been to Spain but now it’s at the top of my list after experiencing LoQuita. This meal was absolutely fantastic, I can’t say enough about it. Everything was so incredibly fresh and flavorful. Like OMG flavorful. We enjoyed the Jamón tasting, the oyster mushrooms, cauliflower, spanish tortilla, and FANTASTIC chorizo paella. If you are ever in Santa Barbara, this spot is a complete must!!

I hope this post gives you some inspiration to create your own Santa Barbara trip in the future! I can’t say enough about Santa Barbara and Santa Ynez Valley. They are both amazing places to visit that aren’t overwhelmed by traffic and people. It’s just a great place to get away, relax and enjoy all that California has to offer. And now I’m already planning my next trip back so I can check out even more restaurants when I’m there! Be sure to read below because I have even more recommendations for when you are there!

Quick Summary of my SYV & SB Trip Favorites:

Hotels

Skyview Motel

Ritz-Carlton Bacara

Restaurants 

Valle Fresh in Los Alamos

First & Oak in Solvang

Pico at the Los Alamos General Store in Los Alamos

Plenty on Bell in Los Alamos

Angel Oak at the Ritz-Carlton

Les Marchands Restaurant and Wine Shop in Santa Barbara

Tyger Tyger in Santa Barbara

LoQuita in Santa Barbara

And if you’re staying for more than just a few days, here are even more restaurant recommendations –

Lilac Patisserie

ParadICE Hawaiian Shave Ice

The Lark

The Lucky Penny for gluten free pizza

The Honey B

Santa Barbara Public Market

Ty Lounge at Four Seasons Resort in Montecito – official drink of Santa Barbara

And there are also about a million things to do while you’re in Santa Barbara –

Go to Stearns Wharf & Harbor

Check out The Funk Zone – one of the cutest areas in Santa Barbara with lots of shops, restaurants and wine tasting rooms. It reminds me of RiNo in Denver because it’s filled with old warehouses and manufacturing plants with a ton of artists’ studios and galleries, breweries and other shops. It’s a total different feel from everything else you find in Santa Barbara

Go on the Urban Wine Trail – more than 2 dozen wine tasting rooms all within blocks of downtown, which means you don’t have to drive into the valley and you can ditch your car and walk to almost any of them without worrying about how you will get home once you enjoy a few too many tastings. Here are just some of the tasting rooms you can check out –

Kunin Wines

Santa Barbara Wine Collective

The Valley Project

Riverbench Santa Barbara

Wineries of the Presidio Neighborhood

Go to the Farmers Market! It’s held almost every day in a different spot so you can always get the freshest ingredients, no matter what day it is.

Check out Santa Barbara Botanic Garden

Take a City Tour of Santa Barbara on the SB Trolley

Rent a bike, roller blades, coupe, or a surrey with Wheel Fun Rentals to easily get around town

Go kayaking and stand-up paddleboarding with Paddle Sports Center

Go hiking nearby

Carpinteria Bluffs

Inspiration Point

Arroyo Burro Beach to Goleta

Lizard’s Mouth

Refugio to El Capitan

Bill Wallace Trail

Gaviota Peak

Gaviota Wind Caves

Go to Montecito for some fancy shopping

Wander down State Street for cool stores and shops

This trip was hosted by Visit Santa Ynez Valley and Visit Santa Barbara, but all opinions are my own!

The post What To Do & Where To Eat in Santa Barbara appeared first on PaleOMG - Paleo Recipes.

Sourse of this article: http://paleomg.com/

Recipe Eats

Lets be honest, as fun as it is to go out and enjoy a nice meal and some fancy drinks with friends, this can get expensive (especially as college students). Many times as students we resort to ordering Jimmy John’s and spending our spare cash when we are tight on time. College is hectic. Between classes, work, family obligations, sleep, exercise, and trying to have a life, grocery shopping and cooking homemade meals is usually put on the backburner. 

Thankfully, grocery shopping and meal prepping can be quick and easy with my guide to recipe eats. Being prepared before a trip to the grocery store will save you time and prevent you from mindlessly buying food that will just go bad later on in the week. Also, never go to the grocery store hungry. You will be tempted to put everything and anything under the sun in that cart of yours. I promise, it is a disaster waiting to happen for your credit card.

Every weekend I do a clean sweep of my refrigerator and freezer. I get rid of things that have accumulated throughout the week (leftover Topper’s) and certain ingredients that I am choosing not to consume (sugar). I take out a pencil and paper and write down my grocery list the old fashioned way, based on the meals I want to make for the week. Having roommates in college means sharing a tiny refrigerator. Cleaning and restocking every weekend ensures you are not wasting space with uneaten food and only buying ingredients that you plan on eating that week. I highly recommend buying meal containers on Amazon that take up the least amount of space to easily store cooked food in the refrigerator. 

Here Are Some Of My Grocery Staples

PRODUCE 

My favorite place to buy produce is Costco. The big packs of fruits and veggies will last you all week so that you will not have to make multiple trips to the store; however, I purchase my bananas and avocados at Kwik Trip since they tend to go bad fast. The awesome thing about this time of year is being able to take advantage of the farmer’s market. You can always find ingredients such as lettuce mix, strawberries and sweet potatoes at the market for cheap! 

Broccoli 

Romaine 

Lemons 

Strawberries 

Bananas 

Blueberries 

Raspberries 

Sweet Potatoes 

Avocados 

Brussel Sprouts

DAIRY 

In my house, dairy is kept to a minimum. If I do purchase dairy I am extremely cautious about sourcing. Dairy has been linked to inflammation and breakouts and overall always upsets my stomach. Instead of cow’s milk, I find dairy products that are made with almond milk; however, this is completely a personal preference. I enjoy going to Whole Foods to purchase my non-dairy products. 

Almond Milk (New Barn)

Cheese (Kite Hill) Yogurt (Kite Hill) 

Ice Cream Probiotics (Good Belly) 

Ghee Butter 

PROTEIN 

Unless going out for a burger and fries with friends, I choose not to consume red meat, so you will never find it in my refrigerator. I do not have anything against red meat, I am just one of those weird texture people. I gravitate toward turkey-based meats. 

Boca Burgers

Lean Ground Turkey 

Tuna 

Eggs 

Turkey Bacon 

GRAINS

If you know one thing about me, it’s probably that I cannot get enough of carbohydrates. I basically grew up on bread and pasta. Unfortunately as my metabolism has slowed down, this habit also did. I still love grains. Everything in moderation! 

Banza Pasta (made with chickpeas) 

Sourdough Bread 

Perfect Bars 

Granola 

Oats

Siete Tortilla Chips 

MISCELLANEOUS 

Hu Chocolate Bars 

Georgia Grinders Almond Butter 

Protein Powder Cacao Powder

After an inside look at my grocery list and refrigerator, we can begin the meal prep. Here are some of my favorite recipe eats for the school year! You can always double the recipes to share with roommates or family. 

BANANA CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES 

These are a perfect dessert for chocoholics and pair well with dairy free ice cream. You can even make ice cream sandwiches! 

Ingredients:

-2/3 cup oats, blended to flour 

-2 tbsp. peanut butter 

-1tbsp. flax seed 

-1 tbsp. maple syrup 

-1 banana, mashed 

-1/2 tsp. vanilla extract 

-Pinch of sea salt 

-1/4 cup dark chocolate chips 

Recipe: 

1) Blend oats, about 20 seconds 

2) Combine all ingredients 

3) Scoop onto cookie sheet, 1 tbsp. size, make round shape 

4) Bake at 350 for 12-14 minutes 

5) Dip into melted chocolate and sprinkle with sea salt 

SMOKED SALMON TOAST 

Toast is my go-to lunch. It takes the least amount of time for when I am running between classes and homework. It is also the best for using up just about any ingredient in your refrigerator. 

Ingredients: 

-Slice of sourdough bread 

-Kite Hill cheese spread 

-Avocado

-Smoked Salmon (Aldi) 

-Egg 

-Everything But The Bagel seasoning (Trader Joes) 

Recipe: 

1) Toast sourdough bread 

2) Cook egg over easy on stovetop with butter 

3) Mash avocado 

4) Combine all ingredients on toast 

BANZA BOWL 

This bowl is a great pasta alternative, with a variety of flavors that cures my Noodles and Company cravings! 

Ingredients: 

-Banza pasta 

-Zucchini 

-Turkey meatballs 

-Kite Hill cheese spread 

-Mushrooms 

-Tahini 

-Tomato basil sauce (Trader Joes) 

Recipe: 

1) Cook pasta 

2) Spiral zucchini 

3) Cook spiraled zucchini in microwave with butter for about 2 minutes 

4) Cook mushrooms on stovetop

5) Microwave turkey meatballs for 2 minutes

6) Once pasta is cooked, combine with desired amount of tomato basil sauce 

7) Combine all ingredients in bowl 

8) Top with cheese spread 

9) Drizzle with tahini 

BUDDAH BOWL WITH JALAPEÑO TAHINI DRESSING 

It is like Chipotle but in your kitchen and much cheaper. 

Ingredients: 

-Avocado

-Olives 

-Turkey burger

-Limes

-Lettuce mix 

-Cilantro 

-Goat cheese 

-Zucchini 

Jalapeño Tahini Dressing:

-1/4 cup Tahini 

-1 seedless jalapeño 

-Lemon 

-Salt 

-Almond milk 

Recipe: 

1) Cook turkey burger on stove top 

2) Spiral zucchini 

3) Cook spiraled zucchini in microwave with butter for about 2 minutes 

4) Combine lettuce mix, cooked zucchini, cilantro 

5) Slice avocado 

6) Place cooked turkey burger, lime, avocado, olives, and goat cheese on top of greens 

7) Drizzle dressing 

SWEET STRAWBERRY TOAST 

This breakfast is perfect for that weekend morning sweet tooth without having to drive to Denny’s. 

Ingredients: 

-Sourdough bread 

-Strawberries 

-Honey 

-Cinnamon 

-Probiotic yogurt (coyo) 

-Almond butter 

Recipe: 

1) Toast bread 

2) Spread almond butter 

3) Add sliced strawberries 

4) Top with honey, cinnamon, and a spoonful of probiotic yogurt 

ACAI BOWL 

A refreshing combination for a hot summer day! 

Ingredients: 

-Frozen strawberries 

-Fresh strawberries

-Frozen bananas 

-Frozen pineapple 

-Sweetener 

-Almond milk 

-Vanilla protein powder 

-Almond butter 

-Honey

-Coconut shreds 

-Granola 

-Chia seeds 

Recipe: 

1) Blend frozen strawberries, bananas, and pineapple in a blender with sweetener, almond milk, vanilla protein powder, almond butter, and honey 

2) Pour into a bowl 

3) Top with fresh strawberries, honey, coconut shreds, granola, and chia seeds 

SWEET POTATO PANCAKES 

The perfect mixture of savory and sweet for the indecisive. This recipe is even Whole30 approved! 

Ingredients: 

-Sweet potato 

-Banana, mashed 

-2 eggs 

-Butter 

-Probiotic yogurt (coyo) 

-Almond butter 

-Honey 

-Cinnamon 

Recipe: 

1) Cook sweet potato in microwave for 4 minutes 

2) Mash sweet potato with fork 

3) Combine mashed sweet potato, mashed banana, and 2 eggs in a bowl 

4) Cook over a griddle with butter 

5) Top with almond butter, probiotic yogurt, honey, and cinnamon

MAC AND NO CHEESE 

The dairy free alternative for a mac n’ cheese lover. I mean we do live in Wisconsin people.

Ingredients: 

-Banza pasta 

-1 tbsp. nutritional yeast 

-1/3 cup cashews 

-1/3 cup roasted butternut squash 

-Lemon -1/4 cup water 

-Salt 

Recipe: 

1) Cook pasta 

2) Blend all sauce ingredients together slowly, adding in water until desired consistency reached 

3) Pour sauce over pasta and heat 

Finale 

I hope my grocery list and recipes help you break the staying-in stigma. Cooking is a great date idea, especially paired with a glass of wine and a movie! It is also a peaceful study break and a way to get your body up and moving from your couch on a Sunday. These recipes are easy! Trust me, I am not a whiz in the kitchen. I stick to simple recipes made with the least amount of ingredients that taste awesome and make me feel great. 

Next time you pick up processed foods at a gas station or on campus at school, turn it around and look at the list of ingredients. You will be surprised by how many ingredients you have never heard of and most likely cannot even pronounce. What we are choosing to put in our bodies matters and affects the way we feel, behave, and perform each and every day. Remember, you do not have to be perfect. No one is. Perfection is boring, but be different by caring about yourself. I cannot wait to see you recreate my recipes. 

Please make sure to send me pictures or tag me on social media. 

Instagram: @vitabenedetta 

Facebook: @ViBenedetta 

Twitter: @ViBenedetta Tell me. 

Do you prefer to stay in and cook meals or go out? Comment below.

PINOF Through the Ages

ah, November, that special time of year between halloween and christmas where i can buy “fun sized” (read “thumb sized”) chocolate bars and tinsel in the same aisle at walmart…

it’s also that time of year where members of the phandom, young and old, come together and collectively binge watch all the PINOF videos in preparation for the newest installment, as we wait with bated breath for what fresh hell we’re gonna be hit with this year.

today, i would like to share with you my observations of PINOF Through The Years, as we embark on the fucking trip that is sure to be PINOF 9…

Phil is not on fire (25 October 2009)

- can you IMAGINE what the hell Phil’s parents and/or brother must’ve thought when they were filming that/saw it for the first time?! Phil brings home this random kid he found in a train station and they start giggling like actual 12 year olds and wandering round the house talking about The Shining, using the exercise equipment Phil has probably never stepped foot on in his life, and drawing on their faces in sharpie? i can fucking HEAR Kath saying “Phil…honey…are you on the drugs?” and Martyn cackling like a lunatic in the background at his brother and his weird friend….

- Dan is trying so. damn. hard. not to laugh throughout the entire video.

- Speaking of Dan, even back then he was a sassy, cocky lil shit… “every animal makes that noise with you…” “wow Phil, i bet they’re all so glad they can see the diagram…” “no, okay, Phil has really crappy GHDs that don’t even work…they don’t even work…they are Poundland GHDs.”

- everyone always talks about The Tackle™ at the end of the video, but not NEARLY enough people talk about the lil smirk Phil gives the camera just before it…like, seriously?! that’s a “haha, here goes nothing!” kinda smirk. thats a “lol watch this!” kinda smirk. thats a “give the people what they want” kinda smirk…im just sayin’…

Phil is not on fire 2 (29 May 2010)

- okay, first of all, Dan…sweetheart…did you borrow that cardigan from your mum?

- Dan: “if you could choose which surname you had, what would be your decision?” Phil: “…umm…” *almost imperceptible but still definitely there jumpcut* Phil: “Striker!”….yeah, yeah, yeah, alright, everyone knows that Phil really said “yours” in an incredibly sheepish and embarrassed voice to Dan that made him go “awwww!….you’re cutting that out…”, but lets appreciate the editing skills it took to make the cut so completely (almost) seamless….

- oh. my. GOD! there is an ENTIRE post JUST about the microwave moment, but i have to reiterate it again for those who have recently entered this hellscape: imagine you are Phil Lester, a 23 year old adult with an ENGLISH LANGUAGE DEGREE, and in comes this adorable 18 year old twink trying to tell you that “microwave” is a fucking onomatopoeia! if i was Phil, THIS would be the moment i’d never let Dan live down. fuck “hello internet”, if he ever pissed me off i’d just be like “yeah, well, at least i know microwave isn’t a fucking onomatopoeia…” and walk away. argument done, you win every time.

- and that being said, again, lets appreciate how much we can learn from the facial expressions of Philip Michael Lester. in that moment, the look he gives Dan is pure “are you fucking serious…?” it is incredulity in a nutshell. it is shock and fondness and “oh my god you are such a twat…”. if there were a dictionary of facial expressions, Phil’s face at the moment Dan says fucking microwave is his favourite onomatopoeia would be the one next to the definition of “wtf?”

Phil is not on fire 3 (1 November 2011)

- 2011 was, by far, the WORST year for Dan and Phil’s hair. tragic. absolutely tragic…

- wow, Dan was right, every animal DOES make the same noise to Phil, including horrific genetic hybrids of land and sea mammals…

- Dan’s ability to almost unhinge his jaw is terrifying…and i’m sure has played a part in lots of phanfic that i’m definitely not going to look for ever…

- okay, seriously guys?! the word is vagina. say it with me: vagina. come on! all together now! it’s not a *awkward silence and weird hand gesture*, it’s not a “birth area", it’s just a vagina…for someone who knows so much about placenta, it strikes me as odd that Dan can’t say the word vagina out loud…

- i’ve never heard anyone giggle as much as Dan does in this video…

Phil is not on fire 4 (12 September 2012)

- the hair is better this year…slightly…

- whoever decided that those face mask things were a good idea needs to be buried alive…the way they look when they move is so horrifying, it gives me nightmares.

- the “gu-hoy!” noise Dan makes in this video (ts 3:21 if you’re at all interested) is my text alert on my phone and it makes me panic every time i watch it because im like “wtf is someone texting me for at 11:53 pm?!” but then i realize it’s just the video and that i’m actually still very alone and have no friends…

- (bloopers bonus!) petition to have 2012 be known in the phandom as, ‘The Year Dan Was Finally Comfortable With The Word Vagina’. that’s all it was guys! he learned a new word and just wanted to show how broad his vocabulary had become!

Phil is not on fire 5 (22 November 2013)

- and right off the bat we’re affronted again by the fact that Dan and Phil have zero concept of how female anatomy works….

- this is probably the most uneventful pinof in the entire series.

Phil is not on fire 6 (6 November 2014)

- to return to the hair discourse, i firmly maintain that 2014 was the best year for their haircuts/styles.

- Phil has no concept of what a sassy face is…

- #StopPhil201X needs to just be a recurring thing every year…

- that poor, poor snake…

- petition for Dan to sing the national anthem at every tour stop in 2018

- the idea of Dan trying to carry on the legacy of Phil Is Not On Fire after Phil’s death is so damn heartbreaking to me…i need a minute

- my lil demon soul is convinced that Phil was doing *something* to Dan’s neck when they both tried to fit through that sweater…i mean, look at his face when he laughs and says “stop". seriously?!

- something about Dan with his fringe swapped, on the wrong side of the bed, and wearing Phil’s shirt makes me feel almost uncomfortable, but in a way that i’m not entirely sure how to process…

- (bloopers bonus!) to reiterate! every animal does, in fact, make the same noise to Phil. this has now been confirmed 3 times.

- (bloopers bonus!) the amount of pleasure Phil is able to derive from any mention of Hello Internet warms the deepest recesses of my soul like the light of the sun after a 1000 year winter.

Phil is not on fire 7 (29 November 2015)

- uh, excuse me? do not drag my country in such a way. Canada is indeed real. it’s where maple syrup comes from. as someone who enjoys the simplicity of a good pancake, i expected better from you Mr. Philip.

- i feel so bad for their neighbours during the stress mushroom tug of war…like, can you imagine what those poor people must’ve thought of them? i’d love to interview their neighbours one day…better yet, their neighbours should write a book: “I Lived Next To YouTubers For 5 Years: The Adventure" and just have it be a chronicle of every weird thing they ever witnessed/encountered.

- with every passing year, Dan’s knowledge of fanfiction tropes and writing styles becomes increasingly disturbing…hide the smut everyone Daniel Howell is coming for it.

- Phil! with the puns! honestly Dan, how do you put up with this man?

- (bloopers bonus!) the way dans voice changes when he grabs Phils underwear and is just ENTHRALLED with the fact that he’s colour coordinates his boxers to his bedsheets is probably the single most disgusting thing i have ever witnessed in my entire life…i mean, i love it, but why are you SO EXTRA?!

Phil is not on fire 8 (29 November 2016)

- NOTHING in the animal or cutlery kingdoms should be born or created in the way Phil describes the birthing process of a spork!

- okay. OKAY! i love the fringes, i really do. i’m a fringe fan from way back, but the hair pushed back thing they get going on sometimes? i can get on board with that.

- aaaannd at 1:57 into pinof 8, the little game i like to play called “Phan or Viktuuri" had all of its lines blurred so far beyond recognition i’m not even sure which universe i’m living in anymore.

- the PSA for “staying hydrated"…such a harmless, and beautiful message about health and self care that the phandom managed to turn into a sex meme…but no one is surprised by that now, are they?

- i need to know why that stock photo exists in the first place…also, why the hell was Phil wearing sandals in November?

- (bloopers bonus!) Phil: “phil is not on fire 8! this time its…what the tagline?” the phandom: “…gayer than ever?” Dan: “full of regrets.” the phandom: “…i mean I GUESS!!!”

- (bloopers bonus!) everything about this blooper reel just confirms even more solidly that Dan is the biggest Phil fan in the world. i’m not gonna wax poetic about the compliments or the comparisons to sunshine or anything else, because at this point is it really necessary? no. i thought not.

and there we have it. just in time for PINOF 9 to be released, a full (and much more in depth than intended) recap of the saga thus far…wake me up when Gamingmas starts, cuz after this video comes out, i’m gonna need a solid week of sleep

To the relief of cooped-up powder hounds everywhere, skiing has proved to be relatively safe during the pandemic, thanks to the abundance of fresh air and natural social distancing on the hill. But one aspect of a day at the resort still poses significant COVID risk: the ski lodge. To avoid crowded indoor spaces, many Outside editors have been trading their slopeside burgers and chicken fingers for meals prepared at home. 

But which brown-bag lunches are best for getting you through a day at the resort? We rounded up the Outside staff’s favorite to-go meals, below, then asked Kristen Gravani, the director of sports nutrition for Stanford University athletes, to weigh in on our choices. Gravani, a former college ski racer, says there are three components of a good to-go meal: 

The right balance of nutrients. Generally, you want your meal to be higher in carbohydrates, with a moderate amount of fat and protein. Carbohydrates are a skier’s main fuel source, and a little fat and protein help stave off hunger longer while providing slowly released energy. (Exact proportions will vary depending on your individual nutrition needs, but typically, the more intense and sustained your ski day is, the more this ratio will skew toward carbs.)

Ingredients that sit well in your stomach. If you know that spicy chili makes you sprint for the bathroom, leave the beans at home. The less your stomach is churning, the more you can enjoy your turns.

Food safety. If you’re carrying a meaty burrito around in your pocket, that’s the ideal habitat for bacteria that causes foodborne illness. Ideally, you want to keep perishable foods cold, or just stick with shelf-stable options. 

With those criteria in mind, here’s what Gravani thinks about Outside editors’ ski-day lunches:

Breakfast Burritos

Pandemic or not, my go-to is a homemade breakfast burrito: a ten-inch tortilla, hash browns, scrambled eggs, cheddar cheese, and green chili. It’s really two meals in one. I eat one half on the drive to the mountain, then wrap the other half in tinfoil and stash it in my jacket for lunch. That, plus an energy bar in reserve—I’m a fan of GoMacro’s maple sea salt flavor—always gets me through the day. —Chris Keyes, editor 

I have two go-to ski lunches, depending on how much I rallied that morning. If I’ve given myself enough time to get a breakfast burrito from my favorite spot in Santa Fe (hello, Betterday Coffee!), I will eat exactly one-third of it for lunch, with a Modelo on the chairlift. (The first third is consumed on the drive up in the morning, and the last third on the drive down at the end of the day.) Betterday burritos are made up of five key ingredients: tortilla, egg, cheese, and chile. Sometimes bacon, too. If my morning is rushed (or my bank account strained), I’ll eat a Perfect Bar for lunch—it’s my favorite on-the-go snack. Its macros are pretty well-balanced, so it feels less like a sugar or protein bomb and more like a meal. I also wash that down with a Modelo. —Abbie Barronian, associate editor 

GRADE: B

“You’ve got really good combinations of carbs, fat, and protein,” says Gravani of the two burritos. The tortilla and hash browns provide a nice boost of carb-based energy, while the eggs and cheese round things out with protein and fat. Gravani thinks the GoMacro and Perfect bars are also solid choices. Food safety in regards to the burritos, however, docks them a grade. “When you put a warm burrito in your pocket, keeping that moderate temperature as it’s cooling down over time puts it at risk for microbial growth,” she says. If you’re going to go with a perishable lunch, it’s better to refrigerate it first. 

Quesadillas

My go-to lift lunch is the eggadilla. First, fry two eggs, making sure to break the yolks so they don’t run all over your gloves when it’s time to eat. Then sauté whatever veg you have on hand—onion, bell pepper, zucchini, etc. Finally, stack your eggadilla on a tortilla, with a layer of cheese on the bottom, your egg and veg in the middle, and another layer of cheese on top, and then add the second tortilla. Heat the whole thing in a large frying pan, or just microwave it. Cut it into quarters, and put it in a Ziploc bag, so you can throw in your pack or even a jacket pocket. It’s portable, squish-proof, delicious, and filling. —Luke Whelan, senior research editor

An excellent ski lunch consists of a few triangle-shaped sections of leftover, cold, homemade quesadilla—I use flour tortillas, sautéed mushrooms, chopped chicken breasts, Mexican-blend cheese, and canned green chile. It carries well, because it’s already flat. I also take along some good salsa in a small, leakproof container. —Alex Heard, editorial director

GRADE: B

“I love the addition of vegetables here,” says Gravani. “Along with that lean protein and carbs, it seems like a nice combination.” The quesadillas, above, have a similar protein-fat-carbs ratio to the breakfast burritos, making them a well-balanced choice for a midday ski meal. But they also lose points for the elevated potential to bring on a bout of foodborne illness.

Frito Pie

I always bring a thermos of good-quality chili, like Annie’s, and a bag of Fritos. When I’m feeling fancy, I’ll top the chili with shredded Tillamook white cheddar. Bonus: it’s gluten-free, which is a must when you have celiac like I do. —Aleta Burchyski, associate managing editor 

My boyfriend and I are known for only bringing Frito pies on backcountry and camping trips. It’s what we ate growing up at the Santa Fe ski area, and we’ve been continuing the tradition during the pandemic. We bring a bag of Fritos, a thermos of hot beef chili, and sometimes also a bag of shredded lettuce and cheese. It’s full of carbs, protein, and salt—what more could you ask for! We accompany the meal with a thermos of hot chocolate or tea. And as any ski day should have, a candy bar will always be on hand. —Petra Zeiler, art director

GRADE: B-

“I give them points for being able to navigate that meal and bring it heated,” says Gravani. And while the macronutrient balance is decent, this meal’s potential to cause tummy troubles warranted a grade reduction. The combo of fat, fiber, and spice can lead to an upset gut. “Especially with beans, it can cause GI distress for some people,” she says. Being at a high altitude doesn’t help the stomach situation either. Some people may have no issue with the magical fruits, and GI problems are very individual, but if you’re unsure about your reaction to beans, you may want to save yourself—and everyone in your group—the trouble. 

PB&J

I keep it simple with an almond butter and jam sandwich, usually on Trader Joe’s Super Grain and Seed bread. I pack on the almond butter, and go light on the jam so it doesn’t get all sticky, and put it in a small Ziploc bag. It’s great fuel, and I can cram it in a ski-jacket pocket and eat it on the lift. It doesn’t matter if it gets smashed. In fact, it tastes better smashed a bit, because the jam marinates the bread. I also always keep some peanut M&M’s or a Kind bar in my pocket for extra fuel when needed. —Mary Turner, deputy editor

PB&J all the way! This sandwich is a classic and might be the ultimate-adventure pocket snack; we even have articles to prove it. But I don’t make just any old PB&J—if it’s going in my pocket, it has to be a “dub” PB&J. Instead of loading up just one side of the sandwich with peanut butter, I prefer to coat each slice of bread with a thin layer of peanut butter, and then add the jelly in the middle. This is key for keeping your PB&J al dente all day, an improved sandwich structure for zero sogginess and better pocket durability for the inevitable yard sale. If you’re looking for something a little more gourmet, just add bacon. —Jackson Buscher, video producer

GRADE: A

It’s hard to beat the humble PB&J. Not only does it meet the right balance of nutrients that you need to keep skiing through the afternoon, but it’s also easy to digest and shelf-stable. Gravani herself likes to pack a PB&J when she hits the slopes. “Having a less heavy lunch, and being able to supplement with some snacks, sets you up to avoid that post-lunch slump,” she says. Chairlift grazing not only reserves more time for skiing but also can keep you energized throughout the day. 

Cold Pizza

During ski season, Friday nights at my house are usually pizza nights. Homemade pies loaded with cheese, veggies, and pepperoni are the ultimate comfort food and the best way to cap off a stressful workweek. The leftovers also make the best ski lunch imaginable. My boyfriend and I always make extra to bring to the mountain the next day. A few slices fit neatly into a Ziploc that lies flat in my jacket pocket, and they’re easy to eat one-handed (and glove-handed if it’s frigid and I’m really desperate). It feels more indulgent than the usual PB&J or energy bar but is still easy to snack on during lift rides without making a mess. Plus, cheese and bread are good endurance fuels, right? —Ariella Gintzler, associate editor

GRADE: B-

A cheesy slice contains more fat than would be ideal midway through a ski day, according to Gravani. That means you may feel sluggish after eating it, as fats tend to sit heavier in the stomach and digest slower than carbs and protein. 

Tortilla Wrap

With a kid at home, I’m all about efficiency on the slopes. My go-to lunch is a simple flour-tortilla wrap with peppered salami, cheddar cheese, avocado, and hot sauce. It’s easy and tidy to eat on the run, but the protein hit gives me sustained energy without bogging me down. —Will Taylor, gear director

GRADE: A-

“I do love that he chose a shelf-stable meat, and the rest of the components are really quality, too,” says Gravani. Salami is still a fatty meat, though, so swapping it out with a low-fat alternative like turkey would make this meal perfect and help avoid post-meal sluggishness.

Cheese and Crackers

Since I won’t be able to treat myself with chicken fingers and ranch dressing this year—the absolute best ski lunch, in my opinion—I’ll be packing my favorite backpacking meal: cheese and crackers. I prefer a solid hunk of cheddar cheese paired with Wasa Multi-Grain crispbread. And I’ll throw in a beef stick or jerky if I get really hungry. —Kelsey Lindsey, associate editor

GRADE: B+

“This one is lower protein and higher fat than is ideal,” says Gravani. Adding in a lean meat like turkey jerky to increase the protein would achieve a better nutrient balance.

via Outside Magazine: Nutrition

Complete Guide to Keto Camping, Hiking, and Backpacking

There is no better time to get out and surround ourselves with nature, but what are you supposed to eat?

Ironically, the most popular camping foods, meals, and snacks are so highly processed that they bear little resemblance to real food. From the chips to the sugar-filled trail mix, the hotdog buns to the deli salads (and let’s not forget about s’mores), most classic camping foods are packed with processed carbs and far from being healthy.

That being said, it is surprisingly simple to improve health and reach your keto goals while camping, hiking, and backpacking. All it takes is packing nutrient-dense keto-friendly foods and ditching all the highly-refined high-carb “foods” they are often accompanied by.

To help you plan for your next trip, let’s explore the most important aspects of how to stay in ketosis while your camping, hitting the trails, and backpacking:

Why Keto Makes Camping, Hiking, and Backpacking Easier (and Vice Versa)

Keto and camping are the perfect combination for two key reasons:

By eating keto while camping, hiking, or backpacking, you’ll free up more space for nutrient-dense foods that’ll fuel you up, improve your health, and keep you satisfied.

Keto is much easier to follow when we’re surrounded by nature rather than the temptation of fast food, candy, and high-carb snacks around every corner.

While you’re camping on keto, weight loss is likely to happen effortlessly and naturally as your body burns more fat and ketones for fuel and high-carb foods are no longer readily available.

That being said, jumping on the keto train right before your camping trip won’t be the best strategy. It is crucial to account for the three keto considerations in the next section before you go.

Three Key Keto Camping Considerations: Ketosis, Activity Levels, and Meal Planning

Before you start packing for your camping, hiking, or backpacking trip, there are a few keto-related questions you must consider:

How long have you been on the keto diet?

Before getting into nutritional ketosis, you may experience flu-like symptoms as your body adapts to carb restriction. Though the symptoms usually go away in a few days, you’ll find it hard to be a happy camper during this time.

For this reason, it may be best to give yourself at least 1-2 weeks on a strict ketogenic diet before going on your camping or backpacking trip.

If you are already keto-adapted, then staying keto will be much easier. Plus, you’ll be able to add some extra carbs into your diet to compensate for any long hikes you go on.

On the other hand, if you can’t change your plans, you may want to hold off on strict keto until you get home. Instead, use the camping trip as an opportunity to cut back on high-carb foods and ease your transition into ketosis.

How active are you going to be?

It is crucial to plan your meals and snacks around what your activity levels will be.

In general, how much you eat will depend on these two principles:

If you’re planning on relaxing more than usual, then you should eat fewer calories. This can be done by slightly decreasing your intake of pure fats and oils (e.g., butter and olive oil).

In contrast, if you’re going to be more active than usual, then you can eat more calories without gaining weight.

The second principle is particularly important for backpackers or anyone hiking for multiple hours a day. If this substantial increase in activity levels is not compensated for with extra calorie consumption, then your body will start breaking down muscle and won’t be able to recover from the hike.

To get a better idea of how much extra food you’ll need, I’d recommend using a backpacking activity calculator and adding that estimate to the macros you get from our keto calculator.

Did you plan your meals, snacks, and emergency foods?

In general, it is better to over-prepare for your trip. There is nothing worse than having a beautiful serene spot in the middle of the woods and running out of food. (This is especially true for keto backpackers who have no car to get them back to town.)

The easiest strategy is to make sure you have a plan for each meal with extra nutrient-dense keto snacks that can serve as meal replacements if necessary.

How much excess food you pack will ultimately depend on what style of camping or backpacking you decide to do.  For example, if you’re backpacking and space/weight are at a premium, you’ll want to prioritize the highest calorie, easy-to-prepare foods with the least water weight.

In contrast, for those of you planning to bring your car and 2 or more coolers, you can be much more flexible with what keto foods, snacks, and meals you have.

With these considerations in mind, the only barrier standing in our way to staying ketosis while camping is knowing exactly what to eat. Fortunately, there are a host of on-the-go keto foods and easy-to-make recipes to choose from.

Keto Camping Food List: What Foods to Eat and What to Avoid to Stay in Ketosis

Before we start prepping, let’s save some space and money by learning what popular camping foods to avoid.

Common camping and hiking foods to avoid on keto:

Bread, buns, and rolls — All baked goods should be avoided on keto

Chips, pretzels, crackers, and other high-carb snack foods

“Healthy” trail snacks — Trail mix, Chex mix, energy bars, dried fruit, fruit snacks, and granola are often branded as being healthy trail snacks, but often contain more net carbs than candy or bread.

Candy — high-sugar chocolates and other sweets. Opt for sugar-free chocolate instead.

Starchy veggies — potatoes, sweet potatoes, and other starchy tubers

High-sugar fruits — bananas, apples, pineapples, mango, etc.

Deli salads and slaws with high-carb ingredients — Premade coleslaws often have added sugars, while popular deli salads, such as potato salad and macaroni salad, feature high-carb ingredients.

Sugar-added sauces, dressings, and condiments — Ketchup, BBQ sauce, and honey mustard dressing are common sugar-filled campsite culprits. Make sure you find a sugar-free product or make them before you go with keto recipes.

Cereal, oats, and all other grain-based products

High-sugar drinks — This includes regular soda, lemonade, milk, and fruit juice.

High-carb alcohol — Most beers and flavored/sweetened alcoholic drinks are carb-rich culprits. For a complete list of what to drink and what to avoid, read through our guide to keto-friendly alcohol.

Though you may have to ditch these high-carb camping staples, there’s a major upside to keep in mind: By avoiding them, you will free up plenty of space for some of the most satisfying foods.

Healthy Keto Camping Food List

Here’s a summary of our keto camping food list, but scroll down below for a more in-depth look at what to eat and tips on how to include them:

Low-carb Foods to Keep Cool

Low-carb fruit — Berries, avocado, and tomatoes.

Low-carb vegetables — Celery, peppers, mushrooms, cabbage, asparagus, broccoli, and cauliflower are some examples of keto veggies that keep relatively well without a fridge.

Fresh meat or vacuum-packed meat — Make sure to keep chilled and prepare within 3 to 5 days.

Hard cheeses — Parmesan, cheddar, cheese sticks, etc.

Other high-fat dairy products — Heavy cream, cream cheese, sour cream, and soft cheeses.

Eggs

Keto condiments — Sugar-free ketchup, keto bbq sauce, marinara, and sugar-free dressing.

Fat bombs — A quick high-fat snack or dessert (and the perfect back-up food). Easy to make and pack for camping and backpacking.

Keto tortillas — Make them at home and pack them in the cooler to make a delicious wrap with the keto camping recipes below.

Keto bread — Make sweet or savory low-carb bread and bring it for breakfast or the perfect keto bun and sandwich bread replacement.

Deli meats — For more fat, look for salami, mortadella, and full-fat cold cuts. If you need help getting enough protein, buy some leaner cuts as well (e.g., chicken and turkey).

Smoked fish — The vacuum-sealed smoked salmon is an example of an easy-to-pack camping-friendly fish option.

Premade meals or leftovers — Scroll down to the camping recipe section for some keto inspiration.

Frozen Foods

Sausages

Bacon

Your favorite cuts of meat

Salmon and other fatty fish — defrost then wrap in foil and cook on the campfire

Shellfish — prawns, for example, are a great option for a quick campfire stir fry

Cauliflower rice — perfect for quick campfire stir-fries or hash browns

Low-carb frozen vegetable mixes — Just throw them in your camping pan and stir-fry with meat or fish.

Frozen berries

Keto Camp Foods With a Long Shelf Life

High-protein options:

Packets of tuna or other fish — Opt for the fish that is packed in olive oil.

Canned meat and seafood — chicken, tuna, sardines, mackerel, etc.

Jerky*

Pork rinds*

Turkey pepperoni*

Meat sticks*

*Make sure there’s no added sugar or artificial ingredients.

High-fat options:

Coconut Oil

Olive Oil

Olives

Cheese chips — Whisps, Moon Cheese, and homemade cheese chips are all great options.

Premade keto-approved granola

Nuts and seeds

Sugar-free nut butter

Seed crackers

Canned coconut cream or milk

Pemmican

Sugar-free dark chocolate

Beef and/or pork pepperoni and other cured meats

Vacuum-sealed hard cheese

Premade keto bars — Though there are many “keto-approved” products out there, many of them aren’t as keto-friendly as their labels claim. To ensure you get a nutrient-dense and healthy keto bar, we recommend making them yourself.

Drinks and beverages:

Water — Bring a water filter and filter water from a stream to save space.

Coffee or tea

Keto-friendly alcohol — Unflavored hard liquor, dry red or white wine, and low-carb beers are the most reliable options. However, I recommend reading our keto guide to alcohol before indulging.

For a complete list of keto drinks (with and without alcohol), check out our complete guide to drinks and beverages.

Keto Recipes for Satisfying Camping Meals: Breakfast, Lunch, Dinner, and Dessert Ideas

Rather than mixing and matching from the food list above, you can plan your camping menu ahead of time with the help of the keto recipes below. For each meal, we’ve included recipes you cook over the fire as well as delicious easy-to-store meals you can make before you go.

Keto Camping Breakfast Recipes

Keto Campfire “Oatmeal”

A comforting low-carb “oatmeal” recipe that is perfect for chilly mornings by the campfire. Just mix the dry ingredients before you go and bring your preferred keto-friendly milk alternative with you.

Warm the keto milk over the campfire and stir in the dry ingredients until it resembles oatmeal. Pour your keto “oatmeal” into a bowl and top with crushed nuts, seeds, and/or berries.

Sliced Keto Sandwich Bread

Bread that won’t kick you out of ketosis. Make a loaf before you go and toast it in your campfire pan with butter for a quick high-fat keto breakfast. (Missing a few of the ingredients? Check out our other keto bread recipes.)

Keto Zucchini Bread with Walnut Crust

If you prefer to start your morning with something sweet, this keto zucchini bread will be the perfect breakfast. Warm each slice over the campfire and spread with butter, cream cheese, or nut butter for a satisfying low-carb camping meal.

Maple Pecan Fat Bomb Bars

For a quick no-fuss breakfast, bring these fat bomb bars with you. They are nutritious, delicious, and packed with healthy fats, making them a great meal replacement energy bar to bring with you on the trail.

Keto Camping Lunch Recipes

Keto Chicken Salad

Skip the deli line and make the chicken salad yourself. This keto recipe makes for a quick lunch bowl or a satisfying lunch wrap on a low-carb tortilla.

Creamy Keto Taco Soup

A hearty, flavorful soup that is incredibly easy to make at home and reheat over the campfire. Don’t forget to add some extra cheese and avocado on top if you need to fuel up for the trail.

Easy Keto Smoked Salmon Lunch Bowl

If you’re looking for a lazy lunch idea, bring these keto recipe ingredients with you and assemble the bowl for a quick meal. Feel free to use any extra lime, greens, or mayo to make tonight’s dinner or tomorrow’s lunch even better.

Hawaiian Hot Dogs

Though you can have them without the bun on keto, there’s nothing like packing a hot dog with all the fix-ins. Feel free to customize the toppings with your keto favorites, especially if you are bringing beanless campfire chili or pulled pork with you.

Don’t forget to bring the two-ingredient keto hot dog buns with you. They are surprisingly satisfying and can be used as low-carb tortillas or bread replacements if you’re limited on space.

Dinner Ideas for Keto Camping

Easy Keto Campfire Chili

All you need is the right mixture of spices, sugar-free tomato sauce, cheese, and meat to make a delicious campfire keto chili. In fact, this recipe is so simple that you can make it all in one pot over the fire (as long as you skip the sauteed onions and peppers) — or just make a big batch at home and use the fire to warm it up for dinner.

Portobello Mushroom Burger Bun

If you’re craving a juicy burger with all your favorite toppings, this is the recipe is for you.  Just clean and marinate the mushrooms and prepare the burger mixture beforehand so that all you have to do is grill them over the fire.

Keto Carnitas

There is nothing like slow-cooked pork by the campfire. Though it’s easier to make it at home and fill your Tupperware to the brim with carnitas, you can also slow-cook the pork shoulder in a large pot over the fire. Just make sure to give it plenty of time to cook — and don’t forget the low-carb tortillas.

One-Pan Cabbage and Bacon Keto Bowl

Bacon, green cabbage, butter, a skillet, a fire, and a trusty knife are all you need to prepare this keto meal. It can also be made as a side dish to accompany your carnitas, burgers, or chili.

To maximize storage space, chop the bacon and cabbage beforehand and pack it into separate containers. You can also cook it up and pack the leftovers for a quick meal or side dish.

Keto-friendly Camping Desserts

No Bake Coconut Cashew Bars

High-fat, low-carb, delicious, and filling, these bars are a must-have if you are craving something sweet or need a reliable keto snack on the trail.

No Bake Chocolate Peanut Butter Fat Bombs

To get your peanut butter and chocolate fix, make a batch of these and take them with you. Feel free to double up the recipe and bring them on the trail for a great hiking snack as well.

Coconut Chocolate Fat Bombs

These are the perfect desserts for anyone who finds themselves eating a bit too much chocolate candy when they’re camping.

Neapolitan Fat Bombs

A delicious camp-friendly dessert for fruit lovers, these fat bombs combine chocolate, strawberry, and vanilla with keto sweeteners to satisfy your sweet tooth. If Neapolitan is not your favorite flavor combo, check out our fat bomb guide for more keto camping dessert ideas.

Keto Camping Food Tips: How to Minimize Food Waste & Maximize Taste

If you’re not sure exactly how to prioritize your foods, meals, and recipes, I recommend following these camping tips:

Eat fresh food first. Without the climate control of the fridge or freezer, you may find that your fresh foods spoil more quickly than expected. This is why it is best to eat your fresh meat, fruit, non-frozen leftovers, and any spoil-prone dairy products first.

Prioritize frozen food after fresh. Once your fresh food has been consumed, start eating the frozen food that you brought along with you. This includes frozen meat and pre-made keto meals. Only thaw out what you plan to eat within the next 1-2 days, and keep the rest in your frozen food cooler.

Consume long shelf-life foods sparingly until you’ve finished your frozen foods/meals. For example, don’t eat your packet of tuna until you’ve made your burgers, carnitas, etc.

Bring extra snacks that can also serve as high-fat meals. Think of this as your food insurance policy. If something happens to your main meals or if you’re hours deep into a hike and feeling fatigued, keto snacks will be there to save you.

Keep in mind, however, these rules work best for camping trips with the help of cars and coolers. Everything changes when storage isn’t plentiful, climate control is not an option, and we don’t have the luxury of an automobile.

Hit the Trails: Keto Backpacking Meals and the Best Hiking Snacks

If you are going on long hikes (lasting longer than 2 hours) or backpacking, it is best to prioritize high-fat, low-water foods that will not spoil quickly. These foods tend to take up the least space and provide the most calories, which is crucial when you’re burning up such a substantial amount of energy.

Let’s take a look at the best trail foods that fit into this category, followed by the simplest keto meals you can have after you set up camp at the next spot.

The Best Keto Foods and Snacks for Hiking and Backpacking

Fish packed in olive oil — Tuna, salmon, mackerel, and sardines with olive oil are the best options. Opt for the pouches rather than the cans if possible.

Pork rinds — A light-weight, nutrient-dense trail snack that is perfect for keto.

Nuts — Pecans and macadamia are the highest-fat options.

Nut butter — Opt for the highest calorie nut butter stored in packets rather than jars. You can make it yourself as well with the help of our nut butter recipe.

High-fat deli meats — A simple way to fit more fat, protein, electrolytes, and flavor into your trail meals. Make sure to pack them carefully and keep them as cool as you can.

Hard cheese — It may sound crazy, but opt for a block of the highest-fat cheese rather than individually packed sticks. Just use your knife to create your own cheese stick. This will help minimize waste and maximize space.

Cheese crisps — Whisps, Moon cheese, and even homemade cheese chips are delicious trail foods. If you are buying bags of cheese crisps, I recommend dumping the crisps into a larger bag and getting as much air out as possible.

Meat sticks — Packed with protein, meat sticks provide us with an easy way to boost recovery after long hikes.

Pemmican — A high-fat version of a meat stick.

Jerky — You can’t go wrong with dehydrated meats on the trail. Have a handful of nuts with the jerky for a high-fat, protein-rich trail meal.

Fat bombs — Make a batch of your favorite fat bombs with the help of the recipes above and our fat bomb guide. (Note: This will only work if you use fats that won’t melt at the temperatures you are likely to encounter during your trip.)

Grain-free, sugar-free granola — Find some keto granola on the shelves, online, or make it yourself before you go.

Keto-friendly energy bars — Whether you use the bar recipes above or purchase some keto bars at the store, these are the easiest way to sneak in a quick high-fat snack or meal. Our favorite’s are Perfect Keto Bars.

Are you looking for more keto trail snack ideas? Check out our complete list of keto-friendly snacks.

Keto Backpacking Meal Ideas and Recipes: Breakfast, Lunch, Dinner, and Dessert

Backpacking meals are not as glamorous as the camping recipes above, but they can still be flavorful and satisfying:

Three Ingredient Backpacker Breakfast Recipe: Rehydrated Keto Cereal

What you’ll need:

Powdered keto creamer — this can be powdered heavy cream, flavored MCT oil powder, or a powdered keto creamer product.

Premade low-carb granola cereal — Use our keto recipe or find a keto-friendly granola/cereal in the store.

Filtered water — Use a trusted water filter to filter water from a nearby stream.

How to make it:

Mix the creamer with water to make a keto-friendly milk alternative.

Pour over a bowl of keto granola for a hearty, filling keto backpacking breakfast.

Alternatively, use your rehydrated keto milk to make the campfire keto “oatmeal” from the camping breakfast recipe section above.

Quick Trail Lunch Idea for Keto Hiking — Two Ingredient Tuna Salad

What you’ll need:

Tuna pouch — Feel free to use any other meat/fish stored in a pouch or can. The best option will be meat/fish packaged in olive oil (not water) and stored in a pouch (not a can).

2-4 mayo sachets — Use any mayo you can find at a store, restaurant, or rest stop. Since your activity levels will be so high, there is no need to worry about the 1-2 grams of net carbs that you may find in the mayo.

Optional: Add yellow mustard, salt, and/or pepper for added flavor. These will likely be found next to the mayo sachets.

How to make it:

Mix tuna and mayo together in a bowl or the tuna pouch (if there is room).

Alternatively, squirt some mayo on each bite of tuna for a deconstructed trail-friendly tuna salad.

Two Easy Keto Dinner Ideas for Backpackers

Meat and cheese wraps with nuts — After a long hike, this’ll taste like a restaurant-quality meat and cheese plate. Just wrap 1-2 slices of your preferred deli meat around a piece of hard cheese. Switch it up with a handful of nuts, so your palate doesn’t get bored.

Dehydrated keto meals — This the priciest, yet most convenient option. Unfortunately, most dehydrated backpacking meals are high-carb, so make sure you double-check the label. (The most highly-recommended dehydrated meal brand I’ve found for keto backpacking is Next Mile Meals.)

Dessert and Trail Snack Recipes

If you’re planning to backpack or hike for multiple hours a day, I recommend having a trail snack and dessert to make sure you have enough food to recover for the next day.

We’ve included three delicious recipes below that make for the perfect snack and dessert:

Protein-packed nut butter rolls — Also known as “hippie candy,” you can make these by mixing nut butter with whey protein and rolling a portion of the mixture in shredded coconut.

Double Peanut Butter Balls — Perfect for peanut butter lovers. Make a batch and sneak it into the extra spaces in your backpack before you go.

Coconut Peanut Butter Balls — Similar to the peanut butter balls, but with one key difference: cocoa powder. These are just as easy to make and are the perfect trail food for satisfying chocolate cravings.

Key Takeaways: Staying Keto While Camping, Hiking, and Backpacking

Regardless of your camping style, it is crucial to keep these two principles in mind so you can stay keto:

Plan ahead based on your activity levels and food preferences — Know how much you should aim to eat and what to bring based on your camping style. If you are going on long hikes, it’s crucial to consume more food than you normally would.

Prioritize the right keto foods and recipes — Backpacking means you’ll need plenty of high-fat, low-water foods. In contrast, if you’re camping with your car and coolers, you’ll have much more space and flexibility for fresh and frozen foods.

To make planning for your next keto camping, hiking, or backpacking trip as simple as possible, we’ve included several resources below:

Remember, however, it is best to hit the trails after you are in nutritional ketosis. (This may take up to 2 weeks of strict keto eating.)

If you need help getting started before your trip, the easiest option is to use our keto meal planning app. It will do most of the hard work for you, so all that’s left is to prep your meals and enjoy!

P.S. Have a look at the Keto Academy, our foolproof 30-day keto meal planner. It has all the tools, information, and recipes needed for you to succeed.

+ The food will always fit to your macros and cooking preferences!

You can click the LINK to start creating your 8-week plan. Simply follow the plan to achieve a successful keto diet.

⠀ LINK : CLICK HERE LINK :CLICK HERE

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