the magic is in the moment

the magic is in the moment-something i tell myself at least once a day. stay here-stay here... the past use to consume me- horrible. I've learned to let it go.. all of it. it does me NO good to look back. Here I am. I finally texted Joe G back... 5 days later. I mean to text back but get caught up in other things and 5 days go by.. I'm gonna run this AM. I have a lot I need to do. I feel like I have a lot to do. the truth is- there is nothing I need to do- I paid my bills this morning at that was about the extent of what needed to get done.. everything else - are things I want to get done. I woke up to Ram Dass saying something about how someone can feel if we are thinking we want to change them.. little shifts in energy can be felt- we wont always know exactly what we are feeling but we will feel it. I wish I could go back and listen again but I have no idea what talk it was.... it was about love- what does it mean to love another person.

what if

crap morning. some guy yelling at me because I fucked up his driveway. He was furious and demanding that I was going to pay for it. He asked for my last name and got more upset when I wouldn't give it to him. I could hear my voice shaking and at the same time i'm getting yelled at my ghetto rep starts going off about a meeting her and I have- on and on- I can hear her when Mr takes a breath to yell at me some more- I finally turned around and gave her a look and she shut up. I had to transfer into my manager-the worst possible thing. it made me feel like a complete failure- I had to ask for help. it's the 2nd time since I became a supervisor that I had to ask for help. My manager is really good about it and never makes me feel any kind of way- but dam am I hard on myself. If I had given him my last name it may have helped the situation.. maybe. me telling him no basically sent the tone for the call- the good news is I went for a run after work and feel 100% better.

I was in the park a few weeks ago and a group of deer came out of nowhere- I think they were sleeping and I woke them up- they smelled.. awful.. a dirty deer smell- and what is a group of deer called? I saw James this week and Kika. Joey is no longer a personal trainer. I asked James if he was glad Joey wasn't with him anymore.. He said no. I'm glad he moved on. He never did anything to me but i always felt he had dark energy.. there was just something about him. He was always putting James down and making rude comments. James is in outer space sometimes- but so am I at times so who's to judge? Weird thing- a few days before i saw my aunt at the park i saw 9144 on a license plate- not once but 2x- the same car in 2 different towns. I've cut down on the caffeine significantly- 1 cup of coffee- 3 cups of tea-black-green and white and 1 energy drink. I'm probably going to have to eventually cut out the coffee, black tea and the energy drink. I slept pretty good the past 2 nights. I tried looking up reviews for the mushrooms i got and i can't find anything other than "packs a punch" - sounds like fun. I'm not sure how much to take or where to take them. maybe 2 g's and microdose the rest-they do look pretty good - i'll figure it out-i might wait for James to take them to tell me how they are.. although he said he was going to start a micro dose routine.. anything has to be better than the shit mushrooms i took last time. Life is good- people can be assholes-

Gym tomorrow-

112322- new moon

i knew it was coming-we revisit the same topic every few months. Mads - and her body issues. its my fault she eats fast food and has gained weight. i dont cook everyday- ive already made it clear to her-i'll buy any food you want- i won't be cooking it. i tend to eat the same things- she doesn't like what i eat. she also wont eat leftovers. there is ALWAYS ingredients in the fridge for salads. so i had to deal with her blaming me for her eating habits. I know when i come home from work there are fast food wrappers in the trash. i buy her food she

A little bit of love- 22524- Sunday

I have to work today. I get to do it from home. I had a dream about Nicole last night. Funny because i was thinking how i havent been dreaming. She was in pain. Physical pain. I didn't get too close but i could see her in pain and an ambulance-

I woke up singing a song and also the serenity prayer was in my mind. I ran yesterday and should have maybe eased myself into it-nope- that's just not my style. I ran almost 4 miles, up hill. I want to increase my mileage and not be in pain- i wasnt in pain - but i could feel my hip- so maybe my hip problem is from running?

“The way people treat you is a statement of who they are as a human being. It’s not a statement about you.”

— Unknown

so much fun.

1-24-23

31123- i just want to run-

today i finished week 6 day 3- i ran for 15 minutes non stop at the park. .. plus another 5 minutes.. i can't believe it. i really really can't believe it. i am so proud of myself. i keep surprising myself. I have learned so much about myself by myself running through the woods. there are days i am convinced i can't run- i'm not a runner. am i a runner? i don't know. it's so freaking hard and makes me feel so freaking good-so good. I just can't get hurt-

i went on a date. He seems like a nice guy. He talked an awful lot- a lot alot. i'm pretty sure the girl is suppose to talk more than the guy. so far- this has been the pattern- these guys just talk and talk. i didn't ask questions in hope that by me NOT asking questions that would give ME a chance to talk. it didn't work. i don't think we have much in common. i like that he volunteers- he lives with his parents. there is no where for us to hang out together. he's not coming back to my place that's for sure. so that kind of stinks. he invited me to dinner tomorrow- which is fine but- i meal prep for a reason. Oh and he's looking for someone to marry. he's never been married and wants that. i was honest- not what i am looking for- i was married for 21 years- I want a relationship but i do not want to get married. I DO think everyone should get married once. some people are good at it. they pick the right person and it works. But yeah- i have no idea what i'm doing. I also have no fucking chill.

a call from my Mom- telling me i should be doing this and that in regards to my adult children- telling me she googled my name and a bunch of shit comes up about my divorce- asking me questions about my divorce- telling me i need to be doing this and i should be doing that and on and on and on. she tells me she was crazy when i moved in with her and that is why she treated me so bad- she also does not remember. tells me its all me- not a good call. not a good call. she is not someone i feel safe around I have worked so hard to make myself feel safe these past years. she's unpredictable-i cant have unpredictable people in my life- my nervous system can't take it- she's always been crazy and never been there for me and even tonight calling me and telling me what I NEED TO BE DOING- oh how i wish things were different- i wish. she's not good for me and that breaks my heart but it is what it is. there was a reason i left as soon as i could. i don't want people in my life who tell me they love me and hurt me. people who can't admit when they are wrong and apologize. she wants us to be close-she wants us to be friends.

seems i am back to getting my period every month- it makes sense- i am losing fat- something about fat and estrogen - it's a good thing. i usually have major anxiety before my period. i didn't know i was getting my period-but i did have a feeling in my stomach- it felt like i was excited- i actually said to myself why am i excited- i kept asking myself what did i have to be excited about- i got my period and realized i was feeling anxiety- or that stuck energy .. kind of amazing that my anxiety has gone from me feeling like i'm going to die to me wondering why i feel excited- it still feels like energy but much much smaller-so yeah- something is working right- going in the right direction

i swing on the swings as high as i can. i feel like i can fly- i wonder what would happen if i jumped off- nothing good. i'm positive there is more i could write about.

4523

procrastination OCT 17

I am procrastinating- I have all my supplies.. i just have to finish up packing and

10-25-23

I have so much to do. where as my main goals- my only goal in life- use to be work and my mental health. Keeping promises to myself for myself. of course, madison was/is a priority but she has her own life and i always had to check to make sure she was safe and had what she needed. 3 years ago-survival. the rebuild. now.. just busy. so much to do and so much to juggle.. and here i am .. i have to be my #1 priority over everything. I'm committed to myself thats for sure. moving into my new place has me wanting to do everything all at once which just is not possible. work is stressful. my reps were kind enough to give me a card and a gift cert for my move - very thoughtful. i'm responsible for me along with 8 other people- all looking for a way to beat the system- even the best ones- I have to have meetings and performance reviews. it's exhausting- and stressful. i have the weekend off - but i have a feeling is going to fly by. the moon is almost full-my life is full.. it sounds like im complaining- i dont want to- im so incredible blessed.. i just have a lot to do.

Monday Monday

they did some construction at my work ohh about a year ago- maybe less. Knocked down a wall put in 12 brand new desks- right by the window- Prime real estate. The buzz on the floor has been whose team is going to go there. My team has been allover me to make it happen. I found out today my team is getting moved to the new area- Its not a done deal yet but it looks like its going to happen. I'm so excited and to me this is a sign to just keep doing what i'm doing and to pay the haters no mind. I think it is funny because it gives my haters more to talk about - she's the chosen one- untouchable- they can think what they want, and they will-i'll be enjoying my view of the parking lot.. Madison has recovered nicely. it took a little bit for her to process what happened to her. the questions. on and on. like a little kid. she couldnt get over the fact that she was knocked out.. gone, as she put it. its safe to say she now knows how to make mashed potatoes.

I worked from home yesterday and didnt do much else. I cleaned and meal prepped and went to bed super early. I am glad there are some things i don't understand. Ive been thinking about how when i was growing up there was a huge emphasis on my physical appearance. Looking back, it was fucking weird. there was absolutely nothing wrong with me. I was my height in about 3rd or 4th grade- so tall for my age. it was such a big deal and i was made to feel like there was something wrong with me when i reality i was perfect. i've had to forgive myself for the times i made MY daughters feel like their -bodies were less than perfect. I wonder what was said to my Mom about her body. When i was in 5th grade my teacher told my Mom there are benefits of being tall- and it was the first time she had ever heard any of it. all this to say- my waxer was saying how much weight ive lost-i said to her it doesnt matter how much weight i lose i'll always feel like the big girl- she said oh yeah you have body dysmorphia - i dont think it's that- i can clearly see and feel my body. I think its one of those things that I dont even know- maybe if i keep loving myself the way i needed to be loved when i was a child- maybe i can work on healing the part of myself that was made to feel like there was something wrong with me. I dont really know what else to do- i ran tonight- i wanted to go to the gym to lift- that didnt happen. i'm going to try again tomorrow. James is on vacation so I am only seeing him 1 day this week. I read something today that i thought was beautiful- you're not healing to handle trauma. you're use to trauma. You're healing to be able handle joy. i never thought of healing that way- how beautiful. yes- give me all the joy, all of it! i deserve it. i deserve every good thing this life has to offer- i actually have lines on my face from smiling and they dont bother me one bit!!. someone asked me how i was today and i replied magical- HA- that's going to be my reply for now on when anyone asks me how i am- funny, on Thursday when i got in my car i looked in my rear view mirror and i was glowing- i actually said to myself- wow you really are glowing. I paid all my bills on my lunch break- that's a good feeling. life is good

Feb 29th

the moon got me out of bed this morning. it was shining in my eye- pretty impressive considering my blinds were closed.. somehow the moon lined up with the tiny whole in the blind were the sting is that holds the whole thing together and my eye ball. i said out loud what is that? is that the moon? it was. today was a difficult day.. people were weird. or maybe i was? i deal with a lot of stupidity - today ilet it get to me. and my team lead- always always always trying to get over. every conversation i have to have my guard up because she is plotting.. and this is where i have to be mindful of my tone. No, Christine, thats not what we agreed to. she tries to act dumb. my workout was hard- james said it IS a hard workout plus i havent worked out in a week. it felt hard and heavy.. but i did it. my girl Kika put a smile on my face. i wish i could bring her home with me. i love it when she walks up to me and nudges my hand to pet her. I get home and Madison is complaining she has nothing to eat. we were suppose to have a supervisors meeting today- every thursday. didn't happen. the ice queen came in drunk on Monday- was sick tues and wed- came in today but i barely saw her. its really sad how horrible she looks- she looks sick. i have been working on a challenging review all week. its not all rainbows and unicorns. i have about 1 more paragraph to write before i submit it. my fitbit says i am due to get my period today- so maybe i'm the energy that is off. one of my reps is having a hard time with her boyfriend of 14 years- he likes to cheat on her. he's also verbally abusive and i found out today, he doesnt work. she was leaving him but decided to stay. she showed me a picture of what she said was his dick, in a cage- this is the only reason I'm staying- he has to put this on when he leaves the house. what a mess.! i want to tell her to leave and she deserves better and i want to tell her all the things...i dont say much. i cant judge... i can, but i dont. if you need boxes let me know. i did ask her if they had an agreement that he could fuck other people. Absolutely not. today was an added day- a bonus day-to keep our months and seasons aligned..i have to work my late night tomorrow- i hate it. ive been asking to get off friday night since i started them. im taking

Another trying day at work- I thought this was supposed get easier. it's raining again.. I haven't seen the sun in 3 days. I likely won't see the sun tomorrow. I am not exactly sure what I need at this time- work has me stressed out- bad. I don't know exactly what my problem is and I am frustrated with myself.. its work- I am stressed about work and it's not getting better. I am trying. I am trying. I think, maybe I should look for another job. I feel like I am under a micro scope and it just doesn't sit well with me. maybe i'm hormonal,

3/22/24-

New day. it's Aries season- I have a birthday coming up and i am excited and... mostly just excited to see what the next decade brings. I'm excited to see what the next day will bring. I get to decide, I get to decide how and what and who and I am deciding to live my life with an open heart and mind. Someday the truth may come out. I'm not going to wait around for that someday. i'm going to live MY truth everyday.

beautiful day