#waterbottle trying to think of what the fuck i was going to do next but that was literally the end of that
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#have been an anxious lil piece of shit since my mother walked past/then in my room bc she smelled something-#this was yesterday btw .. first thing she said was 'u dont vape do u?' and i was like 'no' *queue john mulaney voice: like a liar*#ok well technically only on occasion like if i dont have w**d#anyway she steps into my room and starts fuckin sniffing around and goes 'it smells like .. weed 😐' and just looked at me and guys ..#i am the WORST but my mothers brother aka my gay uncle got kicked out when they were younger bc he smoked too and my mother has grown to#not be fond of it since . so BASICALLY i lightly gaslit her and was like 'mom. seriously ? 🙄'#bc we joke about it on occasion like she went to denver and came back with a fuckin pot that says 'a little pot from colorado' meant for#weed and in my head im like 😭 bro i could actually use this 😭#so thats how we joke but obviously for me its genuinely funny bc of the irony but anyway .#my anxiety was so high after that bc i literally had my pen on me and i just left the situation and started petting my dog and filled up my#waterbottle trying to think of what the fuck i was going to do next but that was literally the end of that#(at least for now but i dont even want to jinx it)#to be proactive tho bc newsflash i do smoke! i got smart as shit and wrapped my smell proof combo bag to make it look like a gift for my#my friends when i go back to school so she wont think anything of it#and then put my pen old battery and vape in a box hidden away so i can still access them if i need but god DAMN#i was def just being stupid tho bc i forget when im at home i cant be so lax and rip the shit out of my pen with my door closed and no fan#anymore like 😐 u dumb fuck i was smarter at 16 with this shit#anyway. its definitely on me and im just mad at myself for it and hope it doesnt come up again/that she isnt overly paranoid with me like i#am with myself rn#also just for some more background my mom and i have never been super close but im really close with my dad but i love with my mom ? so#after this semester not just bc of this situation but i might be like. ive never had a room at dads and id like to at least for summer#and go from there. they just moved and its so cozy and id love to make my room mine over there for once even if it means moving in for abit#but the one thing that would absolutely break my heart is that my dog lives with my mom and its not like i couldnt still see her but i feel#like id feel guilty/like im abandoning her or something :'(#idk if anyone read this far pls lmk ur thoughts#oh and i work right by my moms so its not like i couldnt still visit her but it would break my heart#kylas thoughts#drugs /
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Do you write yandere? If so, can I request skz yandere headcanons on how they would react when S/O rejects them because she doesn't wanna deal with whole drama that would come with dating an idol?
i mean kinda?? i have a seungmin yandere fic in my drafts sooo BUT YEAH
oh also, requests are not open but im just gonna do this one cause headcanons are kinda fun BUT REQUESTS ARE CLOSED <33
also why is the felix one so short-
Warnings; yandere!skz, rejection, k-dnapping, slight gaslightning or like manipulation, restraints, threats, aggression, mentions of masturbation, stockholm syndrome
Chan
nobody rejects him. nobody.
you two were friends from school and you were sooo happy when chan made it as an idol, finally persuing the dream he had been yapping on about for years.
but in the midst of that he realized that he had feelings for you, he missed you all the time, just wanting to hang out with you and maybe explore the things he had on his mind. so,, he decided to confess when you guys were at a cafe.
“look y/n,,, there’s something I wanna tell you” he started to which you tilted your head
“nooo,,, are you guys going on a tour again,,, i wil miss you sooo much channie” you said with a pout but the boy shook his head.
“i like you y/n”
your mouth stood agape, this was not what you expected and truthfully,,, not what you wanted.
“chan,,, y-you know thats not possible” you said with a frown, looking at him straight ahead.
“of course it is,,, why wouldn’t it be? w-what are you trying to say y/n?!” his voice started growing louder, you looking around in order to see that people werent turning their heads towards your table.
Minho
you have made a big big mistake my friend-
wont even hesitate to keep you hostage in his basement LIKE IM NOT JOKING-
might just tie you up and like,,, not even do anything to you, just talk to you and admire you, maybe tracing your facial features and cuddle closer on the cold floor
just wants to keep you as a pet or smth and you are scared out of your mind cause you cant move cause of the restraints, you cant speak because you have silvertape across your lips that he only removes to feed you but if you start screaming you wont get any so you deicde to just stay calm and quiet before someone saves you and play along.
i mean you do,,, kinda fall for him but you know you cant,, but you cant help but to fall for him and miss him whenever he’s out on schedule things
he always returns to you and you get so happy when you see the little crevice of light from outside when he opened the basement door
whenever he lies next to you, you put your head against his shoulder and take in his scent the best you can
he told you everyday that he would let you go if you agreed to date him but you shook your head,, maybe cause you liked being his prey.
Changbin
he’s more of the threatening type of yandere,,, like,, not that he’s violent but if you try to block his number he will create new ones and keep on sending you messages about how you have betrayed him and how he wished that you loved him back and all that,,,,
you guys often meet because you go to the same college and are students in the same department sooo,,,, avoiding him is pretty impossible
he stares a lot at you,,, you guys have a couple of classes together and he just stares the entire time, his eyes are just filled with revenge, he somehow wants you make you his, own you but he doesnt know how yet, for now he can just look.
watch this fucking message conversation just be this;
[why did you talk to him during class?]
[you could have just asked me]
[nobody loves you like i do. no one y/n]
you are never getting rid of him basically,,
he’s gonna get to you first ;))
Hyunjin
i feel like he goes more to the stalking route than the kidnapping and drugging and whatnot-
ok,,, you rejected him,,, but that doesnt mean you’re getting rid of him.
ohmygod what if he turns into a peeping tom- cause he obviously knows where you live.
like yall were not even that close?? he just saw you backstage at one of the concerts and thought you looked good so he decided to go up to, you werent an idol so no problem he thought.
but he gets a bit too,, hasty with his decisions and often falls for people randomly and so when he politely greeted you and gave you his number you simply shook your head, explaining that this wouldn’t be possible since you worked in the same industry and you needed to stay clear out of any scandals in order to keep your job.
no was not answer in Hyunjins mind.
luckily he managed to catch your full name by flickering through some papers in an office and also saw your full adress there, knowing exactly what he was going to do on his free time.
Jisung
if im being completely honest,,, i have no idea-
like,,, he gives me kinda pervy yandere vibes,,,
what if youre like his ex before he became an idol and now he wants to get back together with you-
oh,,, he masturbates to your pictures-
i feel like he always thinks about you, wondering what you like and wants to write songs about you but he doesnt do much-
but when he finds out that you have been hired by the same company as him to work as a like,,, economics accountant thingy he is all of a sudden vEEERY interested-
always asking the manager of when the group will have meetings with the accounting team,,, although they had nothing to do with them-
he just wanted to be in a conference room with you (and think pervy things about you in your tight office skirt and white blouse)
you went to the toilet on day and you saw him lurking around the same floor,,, WHICH ONCE AGAIN WAS NOT CONNECTED TO THE GROUP AT ALL-
and idk,,, probably sneaks in with you and locks the door before you even react that theres someone else in the toilet-
i feel like he’s pretty mild,,, but when he’s alone with you he is aggressive broooo
probably pins you to the wall and threatens you or smth along those lines,,,,,
(writing this is what my life has become to-)
Felix
“what do you think you’re doing?”
you turn around again, you had just thought of just leaving with a vague answer to his question but he was not having it.
“answer.”
his words sounded cold, his dark voice making an entrace, the exact one you’ve heard on many of the songs you listened to.
“felix,,, you have to understand,,, u-um,, if we date theres gonna be some issues” you said but he just stared at you with cocky eyebrows and a dark gaze, running his tongue on the inside of his cheek.
“do you think i care? would i ask you if i cared?” he said to which you shook your head automatically, what more could you do?
“you get until tomorrow to think and if i don’t get the answer i want well,,, we’ll see what i’ll do to you.”
Seungmin
he plots shit behind your back yk?
he’s more of the sneaky type of yanderes (oop spoiler to a fic heh)
like he makes this like fucking year long plan where the objective of the mission is to make you obssessed with him-
he starts kinda subtely,,, first its going to the same gym as you and like,,, knowing where you placed your stuff
and then he starts putting small notes like under your waterbottle when you went to grab something that say like “i think youre cute, call me” and then his number
you obviously dont react,,, because why the fuck would you contact a stranger at the gym
BUT THEN you realize that its him, its mf kim seungmin. yo,,,, u didnt know he went to this gym,,, that was not,,, the best-
of course you got a bit interested,,, you wanted to know how he was off camera,,, like just in his everyday life and i meeean,,, he was attractive but obviously you should stay away bc,,, he’s a celebrity but seungmin didnt want to stay away
he notes somehow started to get more aggressive,,, suddenly being like “why are you ignoring me?” and such,,,
and one night you were left alone in the gym with him,,, it was sooo quiet, only the sounds of your strained breaths as you lifted a dumbell
here where the plan came to play ;))
Jeongin
he’s obsessed with you and you are not going anywhere, even if you rejected him.
he’s more clingy?? LIKE HE WILL NOT LEAVE YOU
ok sure,, he falls more into the stalking category too,,,
also veeeery much a obssessed kinda yandere,,, like his mind is not thinking about how to like capture you,,, more about how to make you soooo comfortable and fool you into loving him despite the circumstances?
i just imagine that you work in a cafe and jeongin often meets you there when he buys coffee and you are already in awe when you see fucking yang jeongin enter the coffee shop on your shift but you were even more excited when he leaves his phone number on a napkin and slides it over the counter before leaving.
you thought about it,,, contemplating multiple times but,,, you decided it would be best not to since well,,, safety purposes
but he would visit you and every day his face got more and more perplexed cause he wondered why you didnt call
mf would not leave you alone, he would even wait outside the coffee shop until you finished your shift and walk you home,,, so now he knew where you lived-
and then do the same thing over and over again until you talked to him.
does. not. give. up.
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karasuno first years out late w/ their s/o
request: Could you write how 1st years (yachi too pls🥺) going out with their s/o late at night ?
a/n: this is such a cute little concept i --
[KARASUNO FIRST YEARS OUT LATE AT NIGHT WITH THEIR S/O]
-tsukishima, kageyama, yamaguchi, hinata, yachi
tsukishima kei.
not gonna lie, he’s often awake late at night. he’s a night owl and doesn’t mind sacrificing his sleep to watch some youtube videos
occasionally, he even goes out late at night, slipping past his parents and brother’s room and softly closing the front door with his headphones covering his ears and his hands stuffed in his pockets
so when you text him at 3am and ask if he can go out with you to the convenience store, he agrees in seconds to meet you at the halfway point between your houses
wastes no time in putting on his sneakers and a hoodie; he wants to get there quickly so that you aren’t left out by yourself
tsukishima knows there’s creeps out there, which is exactly why he jogs to the halfway point and is relieved when he’s the first one there
as soon as he sees you in the distance he fast walks to catch up to you, and slips his hand into yours
he totally brings bluetooth earbuds so that you two can listen to the same music instead of his wired headphones <3 uwu
is always on the lookout for any weirdos, and if he spots someone eyeing you up he shoots them the nastiest glare
eventually wraps his arms around your shoulder while your hand is sitll in his and its that cute little thing where your arms is across your chest holding his hand </3
pays for whatever you get at the store, ignores your complaints and tells you to shut up when you continue to insist on paying
“im trying to be a good boyfriend for once, for the love of god PLEASE shut up”
secretly takes a candid photo of you at some point in the night and sets it as his home screen -- NOT his lock screen, and when you see it he outright denies having taken it
tsukishima: you told me to take a picture of you
you: stop lying i know you’re a closet hopeless romantic
convinces you to stop at the park and eat the snacks you both got there, music still humming in your ears as the moonlight washes you both in cool tones
tsukishima when he’s alone with you is so soft -- he literally kisses your hand and temple and mutters very softly “love you”
all in all, tsukishima kei is the perfect night-owl boyfriend to go on snack-runs with
kageyama tobio.
"why would i go out right now. do you know what time it is. i have practice in the morning”
kags really out here kinda hurtin’ your feelin’s ngl boy doesn’t understand the vibes LOL
honestly you probably woke him up, he’s asleep at like ten every night (even tho he still has homework to do he just flat-out ignores it LOL)
only agrees to go out walking with you because you said he could bring his volleyball and you’d toss a few for him....and also because he’s a little worried because it’s so dark out
doesn’t walk with you to the park but meets you there LOL
he deadass has his wholeass duffel bad with the ball, two waterbottles, two towelettes, volleyball sneakers and everything
“you know,,,,we’re not playing a game, right, tobio?”
“yeah???? and??? what’s your point”
acts nonchalant but is totally having fun and is lowkey glad you asked him to go out so late because it’s cool out, there’s no one to bother him, and you just look...really good under the stars
he’s not a cheesy person but...god you just take his breath away sometimes. not that he’ll ever say that though
you ask to take a break like thirty minutes in because you are LITERALLY dying meanwhile he hasn’t even broken a sweat (”you’re already tired? maybe you should workout more” “shut UP kageyama”)
you both sit on the bench, and you’re lowkey waiting for him to reach for your hand but they’re just folded in his lap as he stares out in the nothingness of night
kageyama can’t take a hint. we know this. he’s incapable of knowing what you want unless you flat out tell him; so you have to be a very honest person
he doesn’t even really initiate skinship, not because he doesn’t want to, but just because it never really crosses his mind
plus he doesn’t feel the need to constantly show affection because he thinks it’s obvious that he likes you
despite this, he is good at spotting weird people, and he’s pretty protective of you, so you’re completely safe with him. trust him, he’ll keep you safe
all in all, have patience and stamina because kags will play volleyball with you until you pass out. also, he loves you
yamaguchi tadashi.
is in bed by 11pm but doesn’t actually go to sleep until two am because he’s scrolling through tiktok on his phone
sees your text about wanting to go out for a late night walk and maybe go through the little forest near your house and automatically sends a text that says “ill meet you at your window! can you pack some snacks? :)”
he walks all the way to your house, even if it’s more convenient to meet halfway because he wants to protect you! he’s not the strongest nor is he the most intimidating, so all he really has to offer is his presence
despite not being strong nor scary, yams literally has eagle eye. you can’t tell me that he can’t read people in a heartbeat -- he’s extremely perceptive
also texts you to not bring a jacket because he’s bringing on of his own for you !!! so sweet what the hell
he waits at your front door and when you step out he automatically pushes his volleyball jacket into your hands and he takes the bag of snacks from you and sticks out one of his hands UGH such a gentleman
lets you ramble about anything and stares at your side profile as he listens
joins in with a few quips here and there but ultimately is pretty quite and lets you speak or lets the silence cozy into the conversation
sees that there’s a guy sitting on a bench up the road and he switches places with you so that you’re further away from the stranger
also wraps a protective hand around your waist until you both are past the random dude but yams will glance behind yall every once in a while
when you two reach the mini forest he ends up taking the lead claiming that he knows a good spot
and damn, he’s right
it’s a little clearing that is illuminated solely by the moonlight and he sets the bag of snacks down beside him before sitting down himself, apologizing for not bringing a blanket that you two could sit on
pats the spot next to him so that you sit right beside him and he leans back with his hand on yours ONGMIRG
is the super cheesy type and tells you that you look really pretty and that,,,he kind of wants to kiss you
you: *experiencing heart palpitations* and you did this for what.
yamaguchi: ...because i love you?
you: *K.O*
all in all, yamaguchi is the boyfriend that completely indulges your late-night escapades <3
hinata shoyo.
is either completely fast asleep and doesn’t see your text or was awake and not planning to sleep for the next five hours, no in-between
but if he’s awake and sees your text, he agrees right away and asks where you want to meet up and what time because homeboy probably has to bike to get there AgAGAGAGA
literally doesn’t even show up in sneakers. he’s wearing sandals and shorts with a short sleeve top
“i came in my pjs”
“i see that.”
asks if you two can bike around instead because he doesn’t want to have to wheel his bike around for like an hour
he tells you to hold on tight because the bike was built for one person, and when you press against his back his warmth is literally so,,,comforting
has no sense of awareness and will scream going down a hill in the middle of a neighborhood, no fucks given
so, no, he doesn’t notice any weriod people even if there are some around
you always end up running into some weird people and you get new interesting stories every other day because let’s be honest hinata is a magnet for crazy shit and crazy people (usually crackheads)
you both just ride around as he talks about his day, usually his sister always comes up in the conversation( “she asked me to marry you the other day” “doirhgAEROIHFGRE SHOYO WHAT” “what? i told her i would. i keep my promises!”)
after like thirty minutes he begs for a break and you stop at a little 24/7 ice cream store that is run by the sweetest elderly couple
you share a sundae because you don’t want to eat too much this late at night
he plops on the bench right outside the store with his bike leaning against the metal handles, and h snuggles up to you and watches you scroll on your phone
he talks a little here and there, but for the most part, he goes quiet, and it’s during this time where you’re unaware of his gaze that he just takes his time drinking in your features in the yellow light of the lamppost
he can’t read the mood most times, but this time he does, and he stays quiet, and he thinks to himself
that he really will marry you one day
all in all, hinata gives you the impulsive young teenage experience of late night bike rides while eating his fair share of ice cream
yachi hitoka.
another either or, except this time she’s either fast asleep or stressing over homework and the nine tests she has the next day
when you ask if she can go on a walk with you she’s hesitant because she doesn’t want to get in trouble with her mom and she’s a total goody goody and terrified of doing anything reckless; but then she remembers that her mom was on a business trip and so she, very cautiously, says yes
you: good. i’m outside your door btw
yachi: i never had a choice did i
you have to meet her at her house because she’s way too scared to walk by herself at night; she might even make you factime her as you commute because she’s worried for you
jumps at every little thing, even the crows cawing make her shit herself
instictively grabs onto your sleeve and nervously look around the entire time, to the point where she doesn’t hear what you say
so you offer to go to a little cafe that’s still open and right away she nods
she’s so adorable, she bows really deeply when you two walk into the store and apologizes for it being so late
and finally, because you two are safe, she’s calm and smiling as she sips at her strawberry smoothie
awkwardly and very shyly reaches out for your hand on the table and gently lays her palm on yours
canon: yachi totally has freckles and you can’t convince me otherwise
her face is red and her freckles are just on display you can’t help but coo at her and tuck some hair behind her ear because god could she get any cuter?
you two end up staying for like a hour and a half and very shyly she asks if you could walk her home
and this time on the walk she’s not overly cautious and seems to enjoy the nighttime breeze and your hand softly clasping hers
does that cute thing where she lays her head on your shoulder or arm while you both are walking and looks up at you through her eyelashes and asks if you could give her a kiss on the cheek </3
you: stop. please. im going to die.
when you’re at her door she literally just stands there awkwardly for a few seconds before tilting her head upwards and pressing her lips to yours and then promptly running inside
video calls you three seconds afterwards to make sure you get home safely
all in all, you might need to be the impulsive one, but yachi enjoys spending late night time with you more than she admits. also please kiss her thanks
#haikyuu!!#haikyū!!#haikyuu#haikyuu fluff#haikyuu x reader#tsukishima x reader#kageyama x reader#yamaguchi x reader#hinata x reader#yachi x reader#tsukishima fluff#kageyama fluff#yamaguchi fluff#hinata fluff#yachi fluff#haikyuu headcanons#haikyuu imagines#haikyuu karasuno#haikyuu x you#haikyuu scenarios
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could we see coops first big fight when they’re married? (essentially pure angst)
Yes, we can! Don’t worry, I got your follow-up ask about a happy ending as well--there are no sad endings on this blog, just some bittersweet ones, and this is very soft and fluffy. Hope you enjoy!
Combined with prompts for...
1. Another of Coops’ serious talks
2. Remus overworking himself to keep up
3. From @colored-rain: Sirius sleeping at Dumo’s for a night
4. Slow dancing in the kitchen
TW for couples fighting, suppression, and marriage issues
“Do you think we got married too fast?” a quiet voice asked in the darkness.
Remus paused for several heartbeats before opening his eyes and turning over; Sirius was staring at the ceiling, wide awake. “What?”
“Do you think we got married too fast?” Sirius repeated without looking at him.
“Do you?” Remus countered. Something panicky was starting to buzz in the back of his brain and he tried to keep his breaths steady. Sirius wasn’t breaking up with him. They had only been married for a few months. Things were really, really good—as far as he knew, they were both happier than they had ever been.
Sirius sighed through his nose. “I don’t know.”
“What?” Remus sat up against the headboard, wide awake. “What do you mean, you don’t know?”
“I—” Sirius shifted to sit up as well and crossed his legs. “I don’t know! People usually date for a lot longer than a year and a half before getting married, right?”
“We’ve known each other for seven years, Sirius.”
“Yes, and I love you, and you’re wonderful, but everything happened so fast.”
Remus wasn’t sure if his heart was trying to crawl out of his chest or dissolve into a puddle of pain. “Are you—Sirius, are you breaking up with me?”
“No!” Sirius said immediately. “I just said I love you, what the hell?”
“People can love each other and still break up!”
Sirius grabbed his hands, holding tight even when Remus tried to pull back and let his panic overtake him. Grey eyes locked on his, as solemn as he had ever seen them. “I’m not breaking up with you, Remus.” The clock on the nightstand beeped midnight and Sirius pressed his lips together. “We have early practice.”
“We need to talk.”
“We need to sleep.”
“Promise we’ll talk tomorrow, then.” We need to talk right now, actually.
Sirius squeezed his hands and kissed his cheek. His cheek. “I promise.”
Remus didn’t sleep much that night. His cheek burned with the memory of Sirius’ lips.
---------------------------
Their morning routine was stilted and quiet. Practice was awkward, and though neither of them let the previous night’s events influence their performance, he knew the tension was palpable. “Y’all good?” Leo asked under his breath as Remus filled his waterbottle up.
“We’re fine,” he answered, exhausted.
“Loops—”
“Stay in your lane, Knut.” He regretted the words as soon as they escaped his mouth—the kicked-puppy look on Leo’s face was more than enough to make guilt spike up—but he kept on moving down the hall and tried to wash the bitter taste from his mouth.
The ride home was worlds worse than he could have expected. Sirius turned the radio off the moment it started to play and kept his eyes firmly on the windshield the entire time, tapping his thumb against the wheel in the tic that always appeared when he was nervous. “I’m sorry.”
“Sorry doesn’t help us fix whatever’s going on.” Remus wasn’t angry, per say, but he was really fucking frustrated with Sirius’ sudden inability to communicate. “Talk to me. What happened?”
Sirius chewed the edge of his lip. “I was just thinking.”
There was a long stretch of silence between them. “Wow, thank you for that incredibly helpful information,” Remus said sarcastically when it became clear he wasn’t going to continue.
“You don’t have to be mean about it,” Sirius muttered.
“I’m not trying to be mean—”
“Well, you kind of were—”
“Then maybe you should talk about your problems for once!” Remus snapped before he could shove it back down. Sirius’ jaw clenched. “If we’re going to work through this, then you have to tell me what the hell happened to make you so worried and upset. Do you regret getting married to me?”
The response was immediate. “No.”
“Thank you.” He leaned his head back against the seat rest and closed his eyes. “Thank you, that was what I needed to hear.”
“Do you think we moved too fast?”
Remus scrubbed a hand over his face. “I used to. I don’t, anymore. There’s no rulebook for any of this. How long have you been thinking about that?”
Sirius started tapping the wheel again. “A couple weeks.”
He may as well have opened the passenger door and booted Remus from the car. A breath punched out of his lungs. “A couple weeks?” he whispered. The world was spinning, the floor was open, hell itself was coming to swallow him up. “Why didn’t you say anything?”
“I figured it was normal marriage stuff. That it would pass.”
“Oh my god.”
“I don’t have a clue what I’m doing.”
“And I do?” Remus said incredulously. “News flash: this is the first time I’ve ever been married, too!”
“Please don’t be angry.”
“Being married means you share things, Sirius, not keep them bottled up for two weeks! Especially when they concern the other person!”
Something stormy came over his face. “Oh, really? So when were you planning on talking to me about the fact that you haven’t slept in six days?”
“I literally sleep next to you!”
“You toss and turn all night, and then you get up and run drills for an hour before coming back to bed. Every time I ask how you slept, you lie to my face, Remus. That’s not okay.”
Remus was speechless. He had done everything he could think of to be quiet and careful so Sirius wouldn’t know. “I…”
Sirius glanced over at him, eyebrows raised. “Yeah, I noticed.”
Be an adult. Be an adult. You’re married. Be an adult. “I’m still worried about catching up to the team.”
“I figured. We’ve talked about this before, Re, it’s not safe for you to do that to yourself—”
“You don’t get it!” Sirius pulled into their driveway and turned the car off. “You have no idea how it feels to constantly be catching up to people! I’m fine, it’s not like I’m doing any damage!”
“I’m sorry, did you forget who you’re talking to?”
Remus clenched his teeth and got out of the car, grabbing his duffel from the backseat before slamming the door. He felt a little guilty—the rising memories of hushed confessions of hours of exercise to his father’s whistle meant Sirius understood better than anyone. Then the front door closed behind them both and the indignance on Sirius’ face sent his temper flaring up again. “You never bother to talk to me about anything that’s going on with you, so why should I even try?”
“What happened to ‘marriage is a partnership’?” Sirius followed him into the kitchen. “Have we moved on to the hypocrite stage yet or are we still clearing the air where nothing ever gets solved?”
Remus reeled back like he’d been slapped. “Fucking excuse me?”
“Every time we fight, you start all sarcastic and defensive, and then you get preachy like you’re reading something out of a fucking self-help book!” Sirius ran a hand through his hair. “Christ, Remus, it feels like I’m talking to a therapist instead of my partner!”
“Husband!” The ring on his finger had always been a comfort instead of a lead weight. “You can’t even say it?”
“I don’t regret marrying you!
“Then why are you so upset about us being married young?!”
“Because it’ll fall apart!” Sirius shouted back. “We’re going to be insufferably happy for a while, and then somewhere along the line we’re going to hate each other, and then it’ll be cold looks when we pass and different beds and all our friends will have to pick sides because we can’t stand to be in the same room together!”
“If you’re so sure about that, then why are you trying to fucking hard to keep us together?” Remus’ heart pounded like he’d run a marathon. Hearing his own fears thrown in his face was the most terrifying thing he had ever experienced.
“Because I love you.” Sirius’ voice broke. They were on opposite sides of the kitchen island, but Remus could see the pain on his face. “I love you, and I don’t want some—some impulsive decision to ruin that forever.”
“I love you, too.” Tears clogged the back of Remus’ throat. So stop pushing me away.
“Then I’ll be at Dumo’s.”
Remus nodded silently as Sirius walked past him toward the stairs; the moment he was out of sight, he headed into the downstairs bathroom and sat down with his back to the closed door, burying his face in his forearms. There was a rustle outside, and the front door closed with a click.
It wasn’t until his face itched with drying tears that he remembered Hattie. Guilt and panic stabbed through him and he scrambled back out, sprinting to her bed and then to the backyard. “Hattie?” he called, frantic with worry. “Hattie, c’mere!”
He closed his eyes and thought back to the events of the day. They had left her in the house for practice, and he vaguely remembered hearing her in the other room while they were fighting, and when Sirius left—
“Oh, you bastard,” he said aloud. The rustling of Sirius grabbing his duffel and whatever else he packed had been accompanied by the pattering of Hattie’s paws. “You took our fucking dog.”
Part of him was grateful that at least somebody had remembered their baby. The other part was absolutely furious. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and took a few deep breaths as the tone played. “Hello?”
“Can you pick me up?”
“Re, are you okay?”
“Not really. Can you pick me up?”
Concern dripped from Lily’s voice. “Where are you?”
“At home.”
“…where’s Sirius?”
“At Dumo’s.”
“I’m on my way.”
-----------------------------------
Harry Potter had been alive for less than two years, and he had been cried on by about half the Lions. Finn had started referring to him as ‘therapy baby’, and Remus was inclined to agree—it was hard to feel anything extreme when he was holding the pudgy little angel to his chest.
“So you fought?” Lily asked gently from the armchair across from him. Remus nodded. The whole story had spilled out in a gross mess of sobbing and baby snuggles until he laid down on his back, holding Harry to his chest as he dozed.
“I feel like an idiot,” he said miserably.
“Don’t.”
“It was awful.”
“I bet.”
Remus sniffled and kissed the top of Harry’s head. “Thank you for getting me. I didn’t want to be there alone.”
“I’m glad you called.” She took a sip of tea and gave him a look that he never liked. “Re, can I be honest with you?”
“Always.”
“I was kind of waiting for this to happen.” At his stricken expression, she folded her hands around the sides of her mug. “I don’t think you got married too early, because neither of you do big things like that on impulse and you love each other so much. However, I do think that you have a habit of trying to protect each other from the shit you carry with you. James did the same thing to me, and it sucked.”
“It does suck,” Remus agreed. “I hate the thought that he can’t trust me.”
Lily held her finger up and shook her head. “Nope. It’s not an issue of trust, is it? Why didn’t you tell Sirius that you were having trouble sleeping?”
“Because I didn’t want to worry h—oh.” Harry wiggled around for a moment and Remus adjusted himself so he was leaning on the armrest. “I think I get it now.”
“You guys need to talk about that at some point or it’s going to keep coming up.”
“Is that what you and James did?”
“No, we let it fester for, like, a year and then broke up for two weeks.”
Remus made a sympathetic face. “I forgot about that part. I should call him, huh?”
Lily shrugged. “It’s up to you.”
“I want to apologize,” he said carefully. The sore spot in his heart and chest still twinged. “But I’m still really upset. And hurt. And a little angry? Mostly worried. There’s so much happening, I just want to hold your baby.”
“Go for it, he’s having a blast. Lover?”
There was a shuffling sound from the other room before James appeared in the doorway. “Yes?”
Remus snorted. “Simp.”
“Yes, and? What’s up, darling?”
“Can I have some more tea?” She batted her eyelashes at him with a dimpled smile and he sighed, then took her mug with him into the kitchen.
“You only love me for my kettle!” he called over his shoulder with a grin.
“Maybe!”
Remus turned his head to look at Lily while he ran a hand over Harry’s back. “Lils?”
“Hmm?”
“Am I preachy when I’m upset?”
She frowned. “What?”
“Preachy. Like—like I’m reading out of a self-help book.”
With a heavy sigh, she stood up and walked to the couch, leaning over the armrest to kiss his forehead. “No, Re, you’re not preachy. You like being right, but you’re not preachy.”
“Sirius thinks we’ll end up like his parents.”
“I’m not surprised about that, either.” She brushed his messy hair off his forehead and braided a small strand along the front, then gave it a little tug. “Guest bedroom’s yours for as long as you need it, okay?”
“That might be a while.”
She shook her head and patted his shoulder. “It won’t.”
“Could be.”
“Remus.”
“Sorry. Sleep well, Lils.” He sat up slightly and covered Harry’s ears. “And you, eavesdropper!”
“Love you!” James laughed from the other room. Lily picked the sleepy baby up and ushered Remus into the guest room with a final ‘goodnight’.
-----------------------------------
“Am I an idiot?” Sirius asked.
The bed creaked as Dumo readjusted his legs. “No, mon fils, you’re not an idiot. You are a young man going through his first marriage spat.”
“I hate it. I hate it. I said horrible things to him.”
“It sounds like you’re both to blame.”
“No, I brought it up first.” Dumo huffed, and he let out a slow exhale into the pillow. “Okay, maybe—maybe we were both in the wrong.”
“Fights are rarely one-sided. You have a visitor.”
Something cold prodded Sirius’ ear and he groaned, then curled on his side to let Hattie onto the covers next to him. “Bonjour, sweet girl. Thank you for the cuddles.”
She licked his nose and he smiled, petting the velvety top of her head. “Are you staying here tonight?”
“I was thinking about it. Re’s got the house to himself for a bit, then, and he knows I’m here.”
“I’m glad you’re taking the time to calm down a bit,” Dumo said as he stood with a final ruffle of Sirius’ hair. “That’s a wise decision. Bonne nuit.”
Sirius mumbled a response and made more room for Hattie, then settled in for a restless night. He never wanted to sleep alone again.
----------------------------------
By some miracle, practice was more bearable the second day. Remus still ached somewhere deep inside, but it wasn’t like he had anything else left to suppress. Seeing Sirius was a relief; it surprised him at first, considering the explosive nature of the previous evening, before sliding into something that soothed him. If he could still find peace in Sirius after all that, they would be okay.
He knocked lightly on the side of Sirius’ stall after he returned from the shower. “Knock, knock. Ca—”
“Who’s there?”
Remus’ heart stuttered as Sirius looked up at him from the bench with an apologetic tilt to his mouth. Something clicked into place. “Can I get a ride?”
“ ‘course you can.” Sirius stood up just as Remus stepped forward, and they met in the middle for a tight hug. He tucked his face into the dip of Sirius’ collarbone and breathed in his shower-fresh smell, as well as the trace of laundry detergent from his shirt.
“Love you,” he murmured.
“Let’s go, mon loup.” Sirius pressed a kiss to his hair and they headed out toward the parking lot together; Remus caught Leo’s eye and saw him smile.
“How’s Dumo doing?” Remus asked as they turned out of the parking lot. Start slow, start easy. “Did you drop Hattie off at home before you came to practice?”
“Yeah, I did. He’s good, and Celeste sent me back with some brownies.”
Remus tentatively reached over and rested his hand on the side of Sirius’ thigh—his chest visibly caught before he relaxed into it and reached down to put his own overtop. “Harry’s doing well. Lily says he’s almost started running.”
“Did you go see them?”
“Stayed at their place last night.” He shrugged one shoulder. “It felt weird being there by myself.”
“Re—”
“I’m so sorry.” The words spilled out in a rush, despite his best efforts to keep it in until they reached home. “I’m sorry for everything I said to you, and especially for how I said it. I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you about how I was feeling, too. It should never have gotten to that point.”
“Apology accepted.” Sirius sounded a little choked up. “I don’t think we got married too soon, if that means anything.”
“Of course it means something,” Remus half-laughed as he wiped the dampness from the corners of his eyes. “It means everything.”
“I thought it might be too late.”
“Can you pull over for a second?” Sirius obliged, and as soon as he turned the car off, Remus turned to face him. He linked their hands, making sure Sirius was looking into his eyes. “It is never too late to talk to me, okay? I’m sorry if I ever made you think that it was.”
Sirius unbuckled his seatbelt and leaned over for a brief kiss that sent bubbling warmth throughout Remus’ entire body. “I’m so, so sorry for yelling at you. And for keeping everything in, even though we both promised to stop doing that. All that shit I said, it—it wasn’t true, Re, and I wasn’t thinking.”
Remus rested their foreheads together and wound his fingers in the short curls fanning Sirius’ face. “Honey, we’re not your parents.”
Sirius swallowed hard. “I know.”
“So you don’t have to be afraid that we’re going to hate each other out of the blue, yeah?”
“Yeah.”
“If—” His mouth went a little dry and he faltered. “If you want to take a break, or take things slower, I totally respect—”
“Nope, no, no, no,” Sirius interrupted, grabbing his cheeks and pulling him in for another fervent kiss. “I love you. I’m happy with you. I let my head get away from me, and I’m sorry.”
“All’s forgiven, love.” They sat in silence for a minute longer as Sirius traced his jawline. “Let’s go home.”
-------------------------------------
Sirius woke up in bed alone, which would have scared him if he didn’t know exactly where his husband was. He smiled to himself and got out of bed, grabbing a hoodie off their dresser before heading downstairs.
The kitchen light was on and music played quietly from Remus’ phone over the sound of running water. “You’re up late,” he said casually from the doorway.
Remus almost dropped a pot. “Jesus Christ!”
“Just me.” Sirius wrapped his arms around his waist as he set the pot on the drying rack. “Stressed?”
“A little. I forgot to do these earlier and didn’t want to leave them overnight again.” Sirius hummed his agreement and rocked back and forth, then took Remus’ hand and spun him in a slow circle. “Oh, are we slow dancing to the Billboard Top 100 now?”
“Very romantic, I know,” Sirius laughed.
Remus shook his head with a wide grin as they swayed, much too slow for the actual song but absolutely perfect. He was beautiful in the low light of their kitchen, puffy eyes from and all. “You are ridiculous.”
I’m the luckiest person alive. “I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
Sirius leaned down for a series of quick kisses, pulling him in until their chests pressed together. Remus let go of his hand and draped both arms over his shoulders, tangling his hands in his hair. “I know we can’t exactly control it,” Sirius said against his lips. “But let’s never fight like that again.”
“Deal.”
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Where Did You Get That?
JJ Maybank x reader , rafe x platonic reader
pretty long - ur in for angst, fluff, and more!
⚠️:light sexual assault
“Rafe? I really don’t think we should be here,” you told him, reaching out to hold his hand.
“Relax, Y/n, we’ll be in and out fast. And I’m doing all the talking,” Rafe ensures.
He held your hand without intertwining your fingers, it wasn’t necessarily a gesture of affection, you just wanted him close in this environment.
You looked at the overgrown grass surrounding the populated shack-like home. There was a trailer to the left of it. Just low class homes you were not very used to seeing on the Eight.
You’d like to consider yourself half a pogue. But the fact that this was a drug dealer’s home gave you the heebejeebies.
When you arrived at the door, Rafe entered first. At the same time an older man walked out.
“You should pop that collar, bro,” said the husky man. He then turned to you, eying you up and down hungerly. You gulped visibly, making him smirk.
Rafe pulled you inside, there were couches with people you didn’t recognize either popping pills or drinking cheap beer.
Your nose scrunched at the unpleasant scent filling your nose.
Rafe looked around, nodding at a few people, leading you to a back room.
“Hey Barry, what’s up my man?”
“What’s good, country club!” Barry responded loudly.
“Shoulda worn my wife beater,” Rafe told Barry.
Barry chuckled, “you couldn’t beat nobody, Rafe,” he paused, and moved to look around Rafe, you were standing behind him, trying to be as small as possible.
“Who’s this?” He smiled, locking eyes with you. You tried to look away, but you didn’t want to be rude.
“Oh her? No one,” Rafe said bluntly.
“What’s your name, babydoll?” Barry asked you.
Before you could answer, Rafe begin talking.
“Just leave her alone. You got something for me right?” Rafe said.
“C’mon,” Barry said gesturing for you both to follow him farther, you walked closely behind Rafe. Everyone judging you as you walked past.
“A’ight, a’ight, a’ight. Let’s see what we got here,” Barry added. Reaching his bedroom and pulling out a duffel bag.
You involuntarily took in a deep breath. You grabbed the side of Rafe’s shirt, trying to tell him with your eyes that you were uncomfortable and wanted to leave.
“Shut up,” Rafe shrugged you off, causing you to fold your arms and retreat back.
“We got a problem or somethin’?” Barry looked at you with an eyebrow raised.
“Um..no-“ you answered.
“She’s fine, just ignore her,” Rafe tried.
“Nah..I can’t ignore a beauty like that. Get outta here and let the big boys talk, huh?” Barry said to you, jerking his head outwards.
You looked at Rafe for approval, “just wait right outside okay? You’ll only be alone for like 5 seconds,” he assured.
You looked down, feeling the nerves, “you don’t wanna be alone? I got someone for ya...Luke! Come here and keep this girl company!” Barry shouts, nearly making you flinch.
Rafe attempted to speak for you again, “Nah man, she’s okay-“
“It’s my place, bro, my rules,” Barry responded, shutting Rafe down.
You slowly walked out the door and down the hallway, running into an older man with nearly grey hair, his breath smelled like alcohol and he had a long chain around his neck with blue keys.
“Excuse me,” you said, trying to pass him.
“Come on with me, darlin’,” he ordered. He must be Luke. The one Barry was calling.
You followed him out to the couches, you didn’t want to deny him or else he might try something, so when he sat down, manspreading, you carefully followed.
“You look familiar! Have I seen you ‘round before?” Luke asks you, moving closer as he talks.
“I don’t..I don’t think so,” you answered softly.
Suddenly, he placed a calloused hand on your thigh, “you shouldn’t be in a place like this. But now that you are, I think it’s best we make it worth it,” he whispered.
“Um..” you immediately stood up, his hand falling from its position, “sorry! I just...I need to go...”
He stood up too, his key necklace jingling.
“You think you’re too good for me? What? Huh?” He shouted defensively, scaring you.
“No Sir...” you whimpered, too frozen to step away.
Saved just in time, you saw Rafe’s orange polo in the corner of your eye.
He grabbed your wrist and pulled you towards him, he caught you off guard so you stumbled into his chest.
“Let’s go, Y/n,” Rafe said shortly, holding a bag of coke in his hand.
You frowned, and bit your lip as you followed him out.
—
Like you said before, half a pogue.
Currently, you were sitting in a hammock with Kie. Who was droning on about how both of you need to start a club at kook academy next year.
John B was on an upside down garbage can fumbling with his dads compass. And JJ was trying to teach Pope how to hackey-sack.
“Pope no! You just need to have and eye-foot connection...”
“Do you mean coordination?”
“Yeah that,” JJ rolled his eyes. Making you laugh. It was the first time you laughed today. Maybe it was because after that man at Barry’s you were on edge.
“JJ...I have a question for you,” you began.
“Why not me? I’m better at answering questions,” Pope asked.
“Shut up Pope. She doesn’t need google, she needs JJ-google...wait...” JJ was trying to finish his insult, but then he couldn’t decide. Causing Pope to throw an empty plastic waterbottle in his face.
“Pope, really?” Kie scolded.
“What he was being an idiot,” Pope shrugged.
“Not that...the fact that it’s plastic!” Kie exclaimed, they went on bantering and JJ approached you. He sat down carefully in the hammock you were in, careful not to flip you out of it.
“What’s up?” He asks. Brushing some hair off his forehead.
“I just wanted to know how to take the edge off...you know like..rhetorically...if I was on edge,” you explained.
“Uh...well I mean drugs work for me,” JJ blurted, you stiffened, remembering what drugs indirectly put you through today.
JJ noticed you tense, so he responded, “not like drugs drugs...just like a blunt or two. Never take pills...I know I never will,”
“I know. I was thinking more like...surfing or something. Would you go with me?” You asked, pulling your legs into your chest.
JJ’s hand involuntarily touched his rib, remembering a bruise he got from pissing off his Dad. He hasn’t been able to have proper range of motion the whole day.
“Uhh I’m not really feeling up to it today, sorry Y/n,” he denies.
You look at his gesture, and concerned, you gently grab his shirt and lift it up to see his torso, a soft purple and blue bruise decorated there.
“Geez...” you sighed.
He didn’t want you to know. He barely ever mentioned his dad to you, so he let you assume differently.
“If you keep getting into these fights with kooks I’m going to have to confine you to The Cut,” you ordered.
“But then I won’t be able to see you? That’s the only reason I’m even on The Eight,” JJ noted.
He moved closer as if to tease you. And that’s when a wave of discomfort passed through you. It was just JJ, but that didn’t change it. You clenched your fist and looked away from him. Trying to ignore your uneven breathing.
JJ pulled back, starting to stand and lean against the tree, “What’s got you on edge, someone I need to take care of?”
“No...no. I said it was rhetorical!” You argued.
“Yeah but your super fidgety. Something happened today didn’t it?” JJ looked at you, his manner no longer joking.
You didn’t answer, just looked at Kie and the rest of the group. Finally winding down.
John B said, “So...you guys all understand the plan for tomorrow? Pope?”
Pope nodded, “yup my dads letting me use his boat,”
“I’m gonna get the Hms pogue. JJ you think you could get the Phantom?” John B asked.
John B was organizing a group boating thing. You didn’t really know much about boats so you didn’t really understand.
JJ nodded, “got the keys from my dad,” he answered. Now happily lounging in the hammock.
You were sharing it with him, his legs at your side and yours at his.
He nudged you, smirking and making a few jokes.
You kept a straight face. And he took this as a challenge.
“Don’t smile! Don’t smile!” He demanded.
“Don’t try to work your reverse physiology on me, mr,” you said, fighting the urge to mirror his cheery nature.
He continued and your lips curled up into a smile, to which he cheered. “yes!! I win!”
“Yeah... maybe you won this one but...” you trailed off, your eyes staring at his chest. You could practically feel the fear running through your veins when you saw what was around his neck.
“She loss for words!” JJ joked, telling the rest of the group he could make you happy even though you were very down.
“JJ...” you breathed, staring at the chain around his neck, it was long and had a blue key at the end.
“What?” He asked dumbfoundedly, maybe thinking you were worried about his bruise again.
Your eyes remained locked on the key as flashbacks went through your mind.
The man you saw today wearing it. What that man did to you.
“JJ...what...how do you have that?” You studdered, using your eyes to point to it.
JJ looked down at his chest and fondled the key in his hand, “this?” JJ asked.
You didn’t want to think, if you thought you would find a connection between JJ and that man Luke.
You decided to get up, maybe retreat to inside the Chateau.
“These are the keys to the Phantom...are you okay?” JJ asked, seeing you flustered.
“Uh I’m gonna head out...I just forgot I have to go meet Rafe somewhere,” you came up with an excuse.
“Uh hold up! You’re not getting away from me that easy,” JJ smirked pulling your waist into him.
You lost balance and fell into JJ’s chest. Your head was near his shoulder, and you looked up at him with frustration.
“Augh!” He grunted, “should’ve thought that through,” he said, you landed right on his bruise.
“Yeah...can um you let me go. Please?” You remembered you were still freaked out on why he had that key.
“Fine. But tell Rafe he can go fuck himself,” JJ shrugged.
After what he put you through today, gladly.
—
You felt surprisingly guilty for lying to the pogues. But that coupled with the nerves and discomfort you were feeling was nothing.
When you entered your house you went straight you your room. Collapsing on your bed.
—
“Wait why did she leave?” John B asked.
“What did you do to her, JJ?” Kie accused.
JJ didn’t know the answer to that either, “Nothing! I don’t know! She just freaked when she saw this,” JJ grabbed the key around his neck and held it up for the pogues.
“Why? It’s just a key. You think she’s seen it before?” Kie suggests, taking a hold of it and inspecting it.
JJ frowned, “the only way she would’ve seen it before is if...uh if she’s seen it on my dad. No...theres no way,” JJ doubted, but really he was just hoping.
“It’s possible...she had a negative connotation...” Pope trailed off. Watching JJ pace back and forth.
“Fuck...” JJ sighed, “you really think she...oh my god,”
“It’s okay JJ, you don’t need to protect her all the time-“ John B tried.
“From my dad I thought I could! She’s gonna hate me!”
“JJ, calm down. Y/n adores you,”
“You didn’t see her face, man! She was scared...and they way she looked at me...” JJ didn’t finish his sentence, he just grabbed his bag and headed to leave.
“Where are you going?!” John B called after JJ.
“I’m gonna go see her!” JJ answered, hopping into the van.
“Wait! Hey! What if she doesn’t want to see you!?” Pope called, but JJ wasn’t going to let anyone talk him out of it. He had to see you.
—
You heard a knock at your door. To which you ignored.
“Come on y/n I know you’re in there,” you heard a male voice muffled through the door.
You pulled a pillow over your head. Mumbling, “go away,”
“I just want to talk,” the voice began, you couldn’t quite hear him, so you accepted, opening the door slowly for him.
It was Rafe, his eyes were glossy and he was sniffing rapidly. He wasn’t about to cry infront of you, he just had been in a bad place.
“About what? I have nothing to say to you,” you said, adjusting the straps on your tank top nervously.
“Really? Me neither,”
“Then why did you come here,” you spit, anger only growing.
“Are you seriously mad at me?” Rafe accuses.
“Yes! Your coke addiction is ruining your life! And now mine,” you told him, frustrated.
“Don’t be so dramatic Y/n! You offered to come!” Rafe argued.
“Only because I was scared to say no!” You defended.
“Bullshit. I don’t even understand why your mad, it was barely a 10 minute trip!” he shouted.
“A lot can fucking happen in 10 minutes,” you blurted, your eyes starting to water.
He took notice and his expression fell, to which you responded, “fuck,”
“What are you talking about? What happened? Something when you were alone?” Rafe pressed, stepping closer.
“Look, just back off, okay? I don’t need..I don’t need this,”
“Tell me,” he demanded.
“No,” you answered.
He scoffed, “whatever Y/n. Maybe I could fucking help you-“
“Help me? Since when would you ever consider that?! You took me there Rafe! God I can’t even tell you what you did wrong because your so blinded by the drugs!”
“I’m not gonna quit coke...not for you, not for anyone,”
You felt a tear spill out, you couldn’t help but care about your oldest family friend, “Fuck. You.”
“Maybe you should!” He challenged, grabbing you shoulders. You emotions flipped like a switch. From mad to frightened.
He pushed you into your bed, you quickly sat upright.
“What the hell?” You asked softly.
He leaned closer, his hands on your legs and leaning over you, “coke makes me better baby...I feel better,”
You tried your best to shove him off and get up, but your arms were weaker.
He smiled, then got up, chuckling, “call me when your ready to talk,”
He gave you one last look before leaving your bedroom, closing the door behind him.
When he left, you started hyperventilating, gasping for air at the thought of what Rafe could have done, what Luke had done. How violated you felt. We’re you just a toy to everyone?
—
JJ stood outside her house, he was waiting near the bench on the side for about ten minutes. Trying to figure out what you already knew, and what to say.
You knew his dad, you met him. And he hurt you.
JJ’s head fell in his hands, he sighed. Wishing he could have chosen better parents.
Instantly, your front door creaked open and quickly slammed. JJ his behind the bench and watched Rafe Cameron walk out of your house.
His kook buddies pulled up in a black Jeep, shouting profanities at him.
“YO! You fuck her yet!!” They screamed. Clapping.
“Nah! Shut up bro! She’s right inside! She’s just a friend tho,” Rafe answered, hopping in the backseat.
“Yeah but we see that boner, you wanna pound her-“
“Kelce chill man, don’t talk about women like that,” Topper tried.
“Toppers becoming a feminist,”
“Just treat her right.”
“Yeah man she’s a bitch though, mad at me about something that happened today. Blaming ME! Like yo...it’s not my fault you’re hot!” Rafe added.
JJ didn’t hear anything after that. They drove away.
When they were out of sight, JJ opened your door and entered your house. You told him he was always welcome, so he decided to take you up on that.
He shifted nervously before knocking on your door. A gentle knock, unlike Rafe’s.
He heard you inside, you took a minute to open the door, expecting Rafe.
When you opened it, JJ could tell you were stressed, your eyes were slightly red from crying and your cheeks flushed.
“JJ? What...I- now isn’t a good time,” she said, still keeping him outside her room.
“I’m really sorry Y/n. I just want you to know that. Okay?” JJ blurted. He wasn’t the best at apologies.
“For what?” Deep down you knew why.
JJ brought his hands to his chest, where the key had been last time you saw him, “those keys...belong to my Dad. I never wanted you to meet him. That’s why I lied,” he admitted.
You opened the door a little wider, “JJ I’m fine,” you mustered.
“He’s on drugs, and uh...we don’t get along...that’s why I stay at John B’s so much. Look, just know you don’t have to talk about it. But it will help you forget,” JJ continued.
You almost cried, but you held it in for a moment longer, “JJ? Do you know?” You said each word slowly.
“I just assumed you met him. How you reacted when you saw his keys,” JJ answered.
You looked down at your hands, they were shaking.
“It’s not a big deal...” you tried to lie to yourself.
JJ looked at you, his heart dropped, he so badly wanted to know what his father did to you so he could help, JJ grabbed your hands and held them in his, “please know I’m not like him. I’ll never hurt you. Never ever.”
“JJ you shouldn’t have to know, you should just go,” she whispered. Almost pulling her hands away from JJ’s warm touch.
“No. I’m not going to leave you. I’ll be here for you to talk to me okay? Tell me why he did,” JJ’s jaw clenched at the thought.
You gasped one last time before you collapsed, you hand going over your mouth as your eyes quickly blurred with tears.
JJ’s eyes softened and he reached out to pull you in, you cried into his chest, feeling the rhythm of his heartbeat.
“I can’t go back,” you mumbled, gripping a portion of his shirt into a fist.
His hands moved up and down your back. As he muttered sweet nothings to calm you down.
“Don’t stay...don’t stay...” you cried, he shouldn’t have to see you as the mess you were.
“What did he do?, princess,” JJ asked, when you first met, he called you that because you were a kook. He meant it with as much love as he could.
You sniffled, then looked up at JJ, the blue in his eyes hard to see because his pupils were so dialated, “he mad a pass at me,” you whispered, I guess that sounds not as bad as it feels, but JJ knows it affected you.
His, high aggressive Dad, hits on a young girl like Y/n, what might she think of him?
“I’m not like that? Please know that,” JJ’s voice cracked. Your hand wrapped around his torso, pulling him closer.
“I know JJ.”
#jj maybank#obx imagine#obx fanfiction#outer banks#obx netflix#jj imagine jjxreader obx#obx jj#obx jj maybank x you#outerbanks#jj outer banks#jj maybank x y/n#jj maybank x reader#jj maybank x female reader#outerbanks fanfic#rudy pankow#jjmaybank love#jj maybank fluff#luke maybank#obxedit#outerbanks netflix#jj maybank imagine#outerbanks rafe
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Chapter twenty one: I’m sorry I tripped
Summary: Popular punk band, Skull crusher, had to find a new drummer due to the sudden disappearance of the last one. As band manager and lead singer, Semi Eita’s girlfriend, Y/l/n Y/n brings Kyotani, a rising internet drummer they found online into the picture. Everything was great at first, then Kuroo, the lead guitarist, started getting creepy messages and presents. Y/n is determined to find out who is trying to sabotage the band when things only take a turn for the absolute worst. Who could be the mysterious stalker really be? Is it their new band mate? Or could it be a close friend of one of the members?
TW: Blood, murder, death, swearing
AN: This chapter is so so sort. Sorry everyone, I was tempted to combined this chapter and the next but then I ended up having a crazy busy day and I am exhausted so I am just going to head to bed soon after I read some fic.
Third Person POV - Time skip to concert
The band was already inside the venue as Y/n was talking with Mai on the side of the stage. The band was doing their sound check.
“So you and Daichi were like… blood pact serious?” Y/n asked her.
“Umm definitely not. I mean our relationship was going okay. I am surprised you knew. He didn’t want anyone to know given the situation of the band and how popular they are.” She sighed. “Anyways, let’s hang out sometimes. I have some leads on Daichi’s whereabouts actually. I don’t think the cops will take a random civilian's word for it given the whole situation so I was hoping that you could relay it to them.”
“Yeah, let's trade numbers. I’d love to hear about the sightings, yeah.” Mai typed her number into Y/n’s phone. Before Mai texted herself Y/n pulled her phone away. “Oh I got a message asking for stage help with Kyotani, the drummer. Can you possibly grab that for me? I really have to run to the washroom.” Y/n said.
“Oh of course I can!” Mai rushed out onto the stage. She tripped on the untapped wire and came crashing down beside Kyotani. Mai had reached up trying to prevent herself from falling only to push Kyotani. She knocked him off his chair.
“WHAT THE FUCK?” He yelled as he slammed hard onto the floor.
“I’m sorry! I tripped and I-” She rambled nervously.
“Shut the fuCK UP! Get out of my face you dumb bitch before I make you regret it!” He screamed as he was standing facing her at that moment.
Y/n rushed back onto the stage screaming and asking what the fuck was happening as Matsukawa and Kuroo held Kyotani back. He began ferociously barking at Mai. Y/n sighed,
“You are not a dog Kyotani. Can you please just shut the fuck up BEFORE I FIND A WATERBOTTLE AND SPRAY YOU LIKE A DAMN DOG YOU THINK YOU ARE!!” Y/n screamed.
Semi ran up to Y/n and took her in his arms. He kissed her forehead and whispered into her hair soft I love you’s and told her how amazing she was. She looked up to Semi and gave him a soft peck as she pulled away. She went back behind the stage to where Mai was standing.
“I’m sorry! I didn’t see the wire at all and I don’t know what happened. It just came up out of nowhere!”
“Just go do something over there or whatever.” Y/n pushed past her as she went to the back to sit down on the couch that was in the back as a vip area.
A few hours later…
The concert was in full swing now as the crew was running wild behind the scenes. Y/n was resting on the couch in the back drifting off to sleep. She felt her eyes grow heavy and close finally as she drifted off to sleep. A man walked up behind the sleeping Y/n and placed a box on the snack table. He quickly snuck up to the catwalk where Mai was working alone. He climbed up as quietly as possible and made his way behind her. He placed his hand over her mouth as he pulled her against his chest.
“Did you miss me Mai? I know you have been sneaking around and following me.” Daichi whispered into her ear. She tried shouting and even pulling away from him. “There’s no point in trying anything you know. You are an obstacle, one I need to take out.”
He pulled a knife from his pocket as he held it up to her throat. He slowly began to drag it over her throat as she cried behind his hand. He dropped her bleeding body on the catwalk as he dipped his finger in the blood. He wrote a message in her blood before he climbed back down. Daichi disappeared from the building as quickly as he came in.
The concert had ended along with the encore as Semi walked up to Y/n’s sleeping form on the couch. He pulled her up into his chest. He was singing into her hair as he looked up over the stage. He saw red liquid dripping off the catwalk.
Is that another dead body? Semi thought to himself. He woke you up for you to look at him half away as he helped you sit up. He got up to get you some water as he noticed the box on the table as he looked around and shoved it deep into his jacket pocket. He walked back to Y/n and helped her stand up, rushing her out and to the car. He let the other band members know he was leaving as he headed out.
Akaashi walked over to where Semi was on the couch with Y/n. He looked around the room, noticing the red liquid dropping as well. Akaashi climbed the catwalk only to be greeted with a dead Mai.
“CALL THE POLICE! MAI IS DEAD!” He screamed. He looked down at the message scribbled out in her blood. It read:
I did this for us
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#haikyuu horror#haikyuu horror smau#haikyuu x reader#haikyuu x y/n#haikyuu x you#semi smau#semi x you#semi x y/n#semi x reader#kuroo smau#tw blood#tw violence#tw dead body#tw body horror#tw stalking
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Wait I thought-
Haikyuu Semi Eita x Shirabu Kenjirou
Misunderstanding, crack, angst (?)
Words: 2,218
https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1FU8Zjr2qTIhOopGs58o8U?si=75949331e9d240d5
Semi was just trying to drink.
His underclassmen got in the way oft that though.
„Really? Him?“, came Taichi’s surprised voice from a few meters next to him.
„Yeah him, ok?“
Taichi started laughing at his best friend, Shirabu.
„Shut up, Taichi!“
„Calm down! I’m just saying your taste in men is questionable at best.“ the redhead got flipped off by his best friend.
…wait…Is Shirabu gay?!
No you must have gotten something wrong. Don’t get your hopes up, dumbass.
Besides even if he were why would he like you?
He hates your guts, Semi.
„What’s up, Asshole?“
Speaking oft he devil…
„Nothing much. How about you, Brat?“ the comment earned him an eyeroll.
„I was just asking because you’ve been staring at me for like a minute.“ „What? Can’t I just appreciate beauty?“
Shirabu’s cheeks went red and he sputtered a bit, at wich his upperclassman let out a little laugh.
He’s terrible with complements that aren’t about his volleyball skill…
Cute
The copper haired setter turned away and took a swing from his waterbottle.
„Dumbass…“ ,was mumbled under his breath as Semi stood up and held out his hand.
Now that he thought about it…it wasn’t so far fetched that Shirabu might be gay.
When Tendou and Ushijima told the team they were dating Shirabu was ok, even gave a small smile.
When a Senpai made homophobic comments last year Shirabu made him eat his words.
But all of those could also be a ally thing to do...
He also didn’t exept a single connfession from girls he got (which made Semi a little happy).
„You’ve been spacing off a lot latley.“ The setter jumped a bit at the voice that was suddenly at his ear.
„Oh god Tendou! You scared me there!“ „I’m used to that reaction. Anyway what do you have on your mind, Semisemi?“
„I overheard a conversation from Shirabu and Taichi and now…“ „Now what?“
Semi started to scratch the back of his neck, wich he always did when he was nervous.
„Now I ask myself if Shirabu might be gay.“
Tendou stared at him for a second.
„Oh he is.“ „WAIT WHAT?!“ „He’s pretty open about it too. I mean he did date uh what’s his name again? Oh yeah Ennoshita from Karasuno for a while.“
„Really? I never noticed…“ „Dude..how oblivious are you?“ „Shut up!“
There could actually be a chance for you..
No no don’t get your hopes up
But what if?
But what if not?
Why does this have to beso hard-
Semi’s inner thoughts were cut short by him noticing something or- someone standing in the gates tot he campus.
He walked a bit closer to find out who the person standing there was.
The person was a tiny bit taller, they had soft brown hair that shimmered slightly silver, they were looking at their phone while leaning to the wall probably waiting for somone, they were wearing some comfortable pants and a slightly t obig white jaket that looked like it could be from a sports team-
On the back oft he jaket…Aoba Johsai.
Now Semi remebered.
Yahaba Shigeru. Aoba Johsai’s second year setter and probably the captain next year. But what was he doing here
„Hey Asshole!“
Wait does he mean me?
Someone walked by him, torwards Yahaba.
„Shut up fucker. Let’s go.“, came from the person that walked by him
He knew that voice.
Semi watched as Shirabu walked to Yahaba who put down his phone and hit him in the arm as they walked away.
He blinked.
What was that?
Is it him? Ist hat the guy Tachi was talking about with him?
They did look really close…
„You seem in a bad mood. What happned?“
Semi hated Tendou sometimes. Espacially because he knew him so well.
„It’s nothing..“ „So it has to do with Shriabu!“
Semi sighed. „Yeah…“
Tendou flopped down on the bed and let his head fall from it to hang upside down, looking at the setter who was sitting on the floor playing with his nails.
„Tell me.“
„So you remeber what I told you about that conversation Taichi and Shirabu had, rigth?“ Tendou nodded „Well I was walking around to clear my head when I saw some guy standing in the gate. I walked close to you know see if I knew them.“
Tendou just continued staring at him nodding at some parts.
„And do you know who it was? Yahaba Shigeru. He’s setter at Aoba Johsai- anyway so I was questioning why he was there but he looked like he was waiting for someone so I watched a bit more until Shirabu came.“ Tendou perked up a bit.
„Yahaba was like „Hey asshole“ and Shirabu went „Shut up, Fucker. Let’s go“ and they walked away laughing and shit.“
„So now you think that Oikawa’s student is the one Shirabooboo and our resident redhead were talking about, right?“
„Tendou you are also a redhead…“ „Deatails.“ „But yeah. Exactly.“
His best friends rummbedd his chin, thinking: „Mmmhhh…maybe.“
Semi stared at him for a second.
„Wow thank you.“
He hit one ball after the other over the net.
Yeah that’s good. Put all your feelings into these hits.
Goshiki jumped to resive his serve.
„Ouch-!“ „Wait- shit sorry. Are you ok, Goshiki?“ „Yeah it’s ok. But are you fine, Semi-senpai?“
„Huh?“
„You put an awful lot of power into that and you only ever do that when you are felling bad.“
„Yea I’m fine.“ Semi walked away but he continued to feel Goshiki’s eyes on him.
Apperantly not only Goshiki’s because when Semi went to grab his waterbottle a voice came from behind him: „I don’t belive you are fine.“
„Oh god Shirabu you scare me- and what gives you the opinion that you know everything about me?“
Shirabu just rolled his eyes.
„I’m not saying I know everything about you, I’m just saying I know it when someone just pretends tob e fine. Also you’re really distracted wich you usually aren’t at all at practice“
The older sighed.
„Ok you’re right…I’ll talk to you after practice, ok?“
The copper haired teen nodded and went back to setting to a few first years.
„So now spit it out.“, attacked Shirabu him afetr practice was finnised.
„Ok…so there is this…person. And I really like them. It’s just that I think they might be in a relationship with someone else already…“
„You think?“
„Well they spent a lot of time together and they seem very personal and just very close just- ugh it’s so confusing!“
„Why don’t you just assk them?“ „It’s not that- have you ever been in love Shirabu?“
The younger of the two looked away, cheeks turning slightly rosy. „Maybe…“
Intresting…
„So you probably know how complicated it can be.“ „Actually no…I think love is very easy it’s just humans that are complicated.“
Semi had never looked at it like that. He was so right though.
„Thanks Shirabu that really hel-“ the older classman was interrupted by two people running torwards them.
Yahaba again…ah fuck.
„Haba, Yachi! What the actual fuck are you two doing here?!“
„Well you see- I was out with Kyou and may or may not have confessed to being absolutly and utterly fucked for him or by him honestly Idon’t care at this point-“
„Not important Yahaba!“
„Yeah anyway I also maybe ran away before he could say anything!“ „Oh god how stupid are you?! We need to do something about that right now!“ „That’s why we’re here.“ ,came the small voice from the girl -Yachi- who was half hiding behind Yahaba.
Shirabu turned around waved a quick goodbye to Semi and then ran torwards the 2nd year dorms with the other two.
Semi Eita was just dumbfounded.
Wait…wait I thought-
I thought they were dating? But Yahaba said that he confessed to that Kyou guy…
Shirabu was wrong after all! Love is fucking confusing
Semi continued staring at the underside of Tendou’s top bunk and sighed.
His roomate was sleeping over at his boyfriends room so Semi had their space all for himslef.
It was almost midnight by now and he was still awake.
Wide awake.
Pictures of Shirabu laughing, looking at him with worry in his eyes, making a snarky comment or giving Semi that stupid smirk, were floating around his mind.
Oh honestly how did this sarcastic asshole of a brat make Semi so stupid with love?
To say it simple: he was tried.
He had not slept at all last night trying to figure out not only his feelings but also in which relationship Shirabu was to Yahaba. He came tot he conclusion that he was stupid.
Someone flopped down in front of him.
Speaking oft he devil…
„You figured your shit out?“
„No Shirabu I did not figure out my shit. Did you?“ Shirabu seemed to not know what he meant for a second but then seemed to get it.
„Oh you mean Haba’s Kyoutani problem?“ Semi nodded. „Oh yeah so you see, my friend Yahaba has this massive crush on his winged spicker Kyoutani and what you witnessed yesterday was him freaking out because he told Kyoutani he liked him and the ran away.“ Semi huffed out a laugh.
„Yeah the two of them are just idiots! I could basically smell that they liked each other since day one! Yeah anyway me and Yachi then convinced him to call Kyoutani and now I’m just waiting for him to text me about how it went.“
„So…how do you feel about it?“ „Huh?“ Shirabu looked at him and he looked so innocent and Semi could feel his heart clench.
„I mean how do you feel about the two oft hem being together?“
„Well I’m happy Haba is happy. He isn’t the best when it comes to taking care of himself and I know Kyoutani will make sure that he is well. They work well together and they’ll make each other happy.“
„You seem to really care about Yahaba…“ „Why are you asking so much about him? Why do you care about who I’m friends with?“
„I just want to know you better, ok…I care about you and Yahaba seems to be a very close friend of yours.“ „Of course he is! He was my first friend and my only one for a very long time! I’ve known him since I was 8. When I moved here he was the only one that even tried to be my friend. Sure we have our differences and we argue but he is like a brother to me. I love him and I want him to be happy.“
Semi just sat there in stunned silence.
„Why? Why would no one want to be friends with you?“ that seemed to surprised Shirabu. „Well if you haven’t noticed: I’m a mean little shit that can’t keep his mouth shut.“
The younger looked down at his hands
„Is…ist hat really how you see yourself?“
„I mean that’s how everyone seems to see me at least.“ „I don’t see you like that.“ The copper haired boy looked up at him and asked with a hopeful (?) voice: „Really?“
„Yeah! I mean sure you can be sarcastic and snarky but you are so fucking talented and amaizing and smart!“
The copper haired boy smiled at him a little and his cheeks started to get a little pink.
It looked good on him.
„Hey Shira- oh sorry! You two about to kiss? Sorry for ruining the moment I guess.“
„TAICHI!“
Shirabu’s cheeks were burning red now and Semi also felt his cheeks warm up.
He hadn’t noticed just how close they were now but it really looked like they were about to kiss. Semi smiled a horrible smirk as he got a idea.
„Yeah exactly Taichi! You are interrupting us“ Shirabu’s head spun around so fast that Semi was a little worried. „We were just about to full out make out but you ruined the mood.“
„Well I’m sorry, Semi-senpai! I will excuse myself out now.“
„Wha- We were not about to kiss!“ „Tsundere much!“ „Tachi!“
„What? Would it be so bad to kiss me?“ Semi fluttered with his eyelashes resting his chin on his hand.
„No it would not be that I’m just saying-“ „So you would kiss me?“
?“ ,the older said with more hope and truth in his voice. „I-I mean yeah-“ he was cut off with Semi pressing his lips against his.
Shirabu’s lips were incredibly soft and Semi lost himself in Shirabu moving against him.
Tachi who the two had forgotten exsisted let out a whistle and they broke apart, red in the face.
„Uhh…“
„Oh yeah anyway one oft he first years broke his leg and Washiou wants us in the gym!“, Tachi told them as he walked away.
They hadn’t been able to talk about it yet.
Washiou had talked for an hour about safe practicing and then they had to practice fort he rest oft he day until it was drak out. Shirabu then had been dragged off by some oft he other 2nd years.
Semi went asleep that night with a slightly giddy feeling.
I kissed Shirabu…holy fuck I kissed Shirabu Kenjirou!
He couldn’t wait to talkt o him
To be continued...
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five things tag
i was tagged by my dear @vishcount, thank you 💖
five things you’ll find in my backpack:
(i am excluding the obvious such as wallet, keys and phone)
my passport, because i don’t have an ID so i have my passport to show in case i need to. it’s always better to have it with me, once i forgot to take it with me before going to my covid test appointment and i had to return and climb up all four stories to my flat in the biggest heat to pick it up and i fucking died
mp3 player and headphones
a pen
some sort of tissue, just in case my nose is running/ i spill something etc.
reusable waterbottle
five of my favorite things:
(am following vishie’s example and am choosing from my current enjoyments)
i am looking forward to finally commit to a fishtank! i’ve been planning this for months and i enjoy researching all of it, but at the same time i am very anxious that i won’t be able to carry the responsibility? however, i will start lightly, and i’ve had some experience before so it’s not like i am starting blindly.
i’m not a summer person and am absolutely dying from the heat currently, but i enjoy summer nights a lot! it has a certain melancholy combined with the sense of infinity (and the temperature finally gets bearable)
pride month! i think every month should be pride month but i just adore seeing all the content and love that is captured in june. i feel so validated each time
i’m currently reading the Faraway Wanderes novel and i enjoy it a lot, i’m just so full of love for wenzhou
homemade iced coffee every single day ever since the heat wave began
five things on my to-do list:
uni stuff: i am combining this all in one cause i have so much to do for uni - mainly finishing this one course this week on viennese modern art with a presentation + essay; next week i am writing an history exam on christianity in the near east, and the week after there’s an art history exam on persian book paintings
i need to get a dresser from somewhere to put my fishtank on because it’s getting serious now! i haven’t found a right one yet (and i honestly haven’t looked much), but i wanted to set up the tank this week so maybe i will find something in the coming days
i want to write two essays on queer topics - one history article independently, and one essay for our uni’s survey on the queer experience of students. maybe i will have a lil bit time for that in july or august
get some nails and batteries from the store
watch I Promised You The Moon once the last episode has aired
this was nice! i realised i don’t really have a lot to tell these days, but it was interesting to try and look at what i am doing right now.
tagging @cortue, @the-cloud-whisperer, @intyalote, @sassyassassy! no pressure, but it’s always lovely to catch up with you guys
#gosh i've truly had better weeks in my life#honestly i don't really mind the uni work much#i just wish life wouldn't drain so much that i don't have any ounce of passion left#it just never stops sigh#maybe i should add 'routine check up with the psychiatrist' to my to do list sigh#i loved reading your tag vish cause it sounds so lovely#while i feel like my life is just bland#anyhow i am fine#thank you!!#tag game#personal
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7AM confessions (t.h oneshot)
Synopsis: You just finished working a graveyard shift at your summer job. Just as you’re about to get into your car to leave to sleep the weekend away, a familiar face appears to confront you on what happened.
Paring: Tom Holland x Gender Neutral!Reader
Word Count: 2.4k+
Warnings: Angsty (?), Swearings??
Once your apple watch displayed 7 AM you knew the long week you had was finally over. The assembly line filled with car parts ready for inspection remain still and untouched as everyone switches off with the next group of shift workers who are already coming onto the floor. Luckly, its Friday, so you get to sleep the weekend away and reset your sleep schedule for your last week of shifts before the fall semester starts. You tidy up your small station and when you think you’ve done enough you turn around to leave and then you see your co-worker/work friend Raj approaching. You both wear matching white hard hats, blue gloves, white jackets, dark blue work pants, and brown steal toed boots.
“Hey, how was this morning,” Raj stops a few feet away and raises his hand to fist bump and you happily reciprocate before sliding your hands into your jacket pockets.
“It wasn’t a bad night, Lauren didn’t come in tonight cause she was sick with a stomach bug. Oh I did finally registered for my university courses during my break, and I got so lucky with my extra circulars.The moment I went to register there was only one spot left for the ones I wanted.”
Raj just nods and glances around the work station, inspecting to see you cleaned it to his standard. You notice his wandering eyes but you aren’t bothered by it. You’ve been in that position where you have to work a long eight hours on your feet and the person before you at your assigned station leaves it a mess and you’re stuck cleaning it for the first hour of your shift. So after he finishes inspecting he meets your eyes and nods in approval.
“Oh shit really? I should probably do that sooner rather than later. I’ve been going to university for three years and I almost always forget every time to register on time,” He replies.
“Don’t you have your final research seminar and reading seminar this year? I thought certain classes had a small capacity?”
“Oh. Well guess what I’m doing during my lunch break,”
You lightly laugh at him as the sound of a warning buzzer echoing through the factory floor goes off. You look around and see that most, if not all of your night shift people are already off the floor and you take this as your cue to leave.
“Anyway, talk to you later Raj,” he gives you small smile in response and steps around you to get started. You make your way off the floor and to your designated locker, providing some of the people from dayshift a warm smile as you walk past them.
You walk through a pair of white double doors which leads into a a bright baby blue hallway which eventually guides you to where the designated bathrooms are with the lockers. When you get to the end of the hall you turn left and head into the female washroom where the you’re met with an empty room. Usually, when everyone’s shift ends they’re rushing to get out (and you’re no exception). You would normally find yourself squeezing by people and dodging elbows trying to get to your locker but today is different. Staying behind for an extra few minutes to talk actually lets you take your time for once. By taking your time it also means the parking lot won’t be backed up as usual and you can drive home without any major delay to sleep your weekend away. That’s the only thing you have to look foreward to, your bed because there is no one at home, no roomates, no pets, no boyfriends, no nothing. The place you were at two months ago was totally different from where you are now. You lived abroad in London with your then boyfriend for six months until you broke it off because you were lost.
You had to get out because your identity slowly became tightly intertwined with the person you were with. Everything revolved around them and their job and you were going no where in life. Your dreams were pushed to the back of your mind as you stayed in fancy hotel suites, alone waiting for your ex-boyfriend to come back from an exhausted day on set to only desperately try to keep his eyes open when you two watched a movie or went out for a night on the town.
He really did try his best to make your time with him exciting even if he was burn out from working all day. He made small dates in your hotel room feel magical. He had your hotel room decorated in fairy lights and planned a romantic dinner looking over the city you two stayed in. He made love to you in the early hours of the morning to the organy rays of the morning sun. Or another time, when he wasn’t allowed to leave the hotel at all, he took you to the hotel roof to slow dance under the stars to music playing from that headphones you two shared. You’d pay a million dollars to experience these small moments over and over again.
Over a weekend back in London by yourself while Tom had to catch a flight last minute to do film re-shoots in LA, you decided to have a self-care night. After lighting some candles, ordering take-out, dimming the lights, and scrolling through Netflix to finally find a good-feel show, you finally sit comfortably on the couch and relax. You found a generic rom-com from the 2000’s that looked mildly interesting and even if the plot wasn’t any good you could still get a good laugh about it.
As the movie progresses and the main character struggles to choose between a boy and her dream job you find your mind slowly loosing focus with what is happening on the screen and reflecting it back into your own life. After a few seconds pondering you realize something, had no idea what you wanted to do. You were in your early twenties, you were doing school part-time online with a program you liked but you spent most of your time with Tom. Traveling to country to country to join him while he filmed, staying in hotel rooms waiting for him, sometime visiting set when you were allowed too, it was truly an exciting and calming lifestyle.
Even though you believed you finally found the guy that you could spend the rest of your life with, a second family you got along with, a place you could see yourself settling down in, you didn’t have anything for yourself. When you thought you of trying to return to in-class schooling with a larger course load and renting a place for the semester and trying to sustain a long-distant relationship with someone in the limelight, it just stressed you out. You knew it wouldn’t be easy and just seeing how deflated Tom looked when he returned to you after working, you knew the relationship would push him to his limits.
Even after initiate moments you realized how tired and over worked he was. The look in his eyes when he had to leave for work the next morning couldn’t go unnoticed. You felt your heart squeezing itself and your breathing became heavier. You would never want to cause Tom any pain on your behalf, and you can’t continue to drag your feet with your education because you felt like you . So, you did what you did best, shut someone out and leave. You made up lie about how this relationship wasn’t working on your end, broke it off and flew back to the town where you had been attending school online. Scrambling enough money together to buy a used car and a small studio apartment and apply to as many jobs as you could. You got lucky, that when you were applying that a car factory needed more summer students and they were paying their workers a decent living wage and you just jumped on it. The job helped you get settled but it also helped ignore the small amount of regret you felt. It is too late to turn around now and now you must live with your choices.
You shake yourself out of a daze you didn’t realize clouded your mind, and it seems your feet have carried you to the front of your small grey locker. It looks like what all typical high school lockers look except half the size. You raise your hand to the lock to do one full twist to the right, one full twist to the left, and half a twist to the right again and my the lock pops off with a light pull.
You reach in to collect your phone, black spring jacket, dark blue water bottle, then you reach into your jacket pocket to fish out your car keys. You hum in satisfaction when you feel the cool metal of your keys in your pocket. You drape your jacket over your arm as you shut the locker quietly and slide the lock over the hook and push it shut. You proceed to continue to follow the baby blue hallways until you’ve reached the double glass doors of the exit. You push open the glass door and is met with a cool morning breeze also paired with a peach colored sky.
You make your way across the concrete of the parking lot, following the line of different coloured cars parked next to each other, eyes wandering at the different licence plates, soaking up the calmness of the morning sun until you stop dead in your tracks. You look up to see someone leaning on the hood of your car. This person is dressed in some blue jeans, a black hoodie, dark red hat, and it seems they’re just casually looking down and scrolling through their phone unaware of your presence a couple feet away. You think for a minute before speaking, should you just walk back inside and get someone to confront this guy or should you just do it yourself? I mean it is your car in a private parking lot, someone will hear you scream right? After a few seconds go by you just say fuck as the longer you stand here the less time you get to spend sleeping.
“Ah hem, excuse me you’re leaning on my car. Can you please get off,”
You keep your distance and tightly grip your waterbottle. Just so you have a head start if you need run back into the factory or even defend yourself. Their fingers stop scrolling, but their gaze is still facing downwards, hood and hat hiding their features.
“Uh hello, you need to get out of this parking lot its a private. Ill call security if you don’t move, ”
You shallow nervously as the figure stays still, unresponsive. When it seems like this figure is just going to continue to ignore you they stand up abruptly causing you to jump.
“Hi Y/N,’ An english accent comes out from the hood and your expression changes from fear to dread in seconds. Heart still pumping fast in your chest and you feel yourself getting even more nervous.
“What are you doing here, Tom”, You cross your arms the best you can and start staring at your feet to avoid eye contact.
“Can’t I come visit my girlfriend after she finishes work,” Tom questions as his foots steps get louder as they get closer.
“I am not your girlfriend remember. Besides the point, how do you even know where to find me. I haven’t talked to you in two months.”
‘You left without a much of explanation. You said when I came home from LA that this was over because you couldn’t handle this relationship, it stressed you out to much. I thought everything was going good mutually good in all aspects of the relationship, but I guess I was wrong. After months of trying to unravel what I could have possible done wrong, I just had to find you and get the truth of why you left,”
He ignores your question as he bends his knees to try and get a look at your face. Your mind almost speeds up, unable to come up with a good enough half-assed response, you mouth blurts out the truth without much thought.
“I love that you’re able to pursue your dreams, and god Tom I wouldn’t want you to do anything to compromise that. But I want to be able to pursue my dreams too Tom. The only way I can do that is if I leave and doing a long-distant relationship hardly ever works out for anybody! I don’t want you wearing yourself out because of me and being long-distance was going to tear you apart,”
You sniffle away the tears building up in your eyes while focusing on the curves on the concrete.
“Darling, why didn’t you just talk to me? I would and do understand if you want to pursue something on your own. I would never want to settle for anything less. “
He reaches out a finger to find a place under your chin to lift your head gently so your eyes will meet. You glossy eyes meet his soft, gentle brown eyes and that alone makes you want to cry. You never meant to cause pain to reach those eyes, you just thought you were doing yourselves a favour.
“Baby, we could’ve done this together you know that. We would’ve never survived our first year together if we didn’t talk stuff out. Trying to make a relationship work with a person I’ve loved since our first date is worth the endless amount of stress life causes. Y/N, my darling, I would do anything to make you happy but also stay in my arms forever,”
His soft tone makes your knees weak and that is when the dam of tears breaks from your eyes and they flow down your cheeks.
“I’m sorry. I-I just thought I was doing the right thing for both of us. I was watching a movie and I started stressing my sell-out and just thinking for myself .I’m sorry I put you through this, I know I can’t turn back time, but please forgive me for causing you any pain because my love for you got me all fucked up, “ You say trying wipe away the salty tears dripping down your face.
“I’m not mad nor am I upset with you. I’m just glad I can have you back in my life again.”
Tom smiles even bright as he pulls lightly on the hand he has a hold of to drag your body over to his. He embraces you into his warmth and your body curls into him and all you can think is there is no place you’d rather be.
“Now, why don’t we go back to your place and catch up on some sleep huh? Then you can give me tour around your new place and make up for lost time,”
He hums into your hair as you pull back from his embrace to look up, wiping your eyes with your sleeve to look at Tom more clearly.
“Yeah, I’d like that”.
#tom holland imagine#tom holland angst#tom holland x reader#tom holland imagines#tom holland drabble#dodson writing#Tom Holland x gender neutral reader#tom holland fanfic#tom holland fanfiction
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Can I request a fluffy HC? SKZ comforting you while you’re rlly drunk when you get home and taking care of you. (Like you stumble and have to throw up and stuff)
i just realised that i kept on calling my headcanons for reactions?? I MEAN i dont even know at this point lmao imma call it... headcanons/reactions
ALSO new territory for me,,, im usually not much for fluff unless its really captivating or like drabbles (ahhh bf!skz is my weakness) AND SO YEAH UNDERSTAND IF ITS A BIT... lackluster.
jesus christ ive been listening to touch you for like an hour now ASHAHS save me,,, its too good
HEADCANON sKKRrrT
Warnings; skz x gn!reader; fluff (wow amazing?? cherry writes fluff?) established relationship, drinking, use of alcohol, vomiting, minor injuries, mentions of bruises.
Bangchan
worry mode; on
lets say you were out drinking
dont even think that you could make it one step outside the pub/club
babyboy would already be waiting in his car outside
the entire car ride home he would tell you to stop drinking so much
“y/n,,, why do you always do this,,, you know how bad it is for your health and im scared that you’ll hurt yourself on the way home”
meanwhile you dont understand anything, rolling in the backseat of the car.
when the two of you arrive home he immediately places you in a warm bath, rubbing your back as you almost fall asleep with your back against his chest.
worries a lot even though you’re fine
makes you breakfast in bed the day after :(((
Minho
complaining about everything ASHASH
he’s like mumbling underneath his breath, wondering why you’re so stupid and do this every time you go out drinking
much much MUCH rather prefers drinking with you alone
not only because he can control how much you’re drinking
but also because he likes seeing you tipsy?!?”!?
my brain is working rn u guys
its because he likes seeing this kinda,,, hidden flirty side of you that comes out when someone is tipsy
yk... the whole.. coming too close or laughing lazily at his jokes YK YK?
god im having such a difficult time to keep this fluffy AHSAHSH I THINK EVERYONE KNOWS WHAT I WANT TO SAY
he gets really soft with you because he knows that you probably wont remember anything SO HE CAN SHOW HIS SOFT SIDE
without you teasing him for it lol
he’d stroke your cheek with the back of his hand while your leaning against him on the couch, falling asleep in his arms.
he wraps a blanket around you and mumbles softly
“i love you y/n”
Changbin
he’d be just as drunk as you HASHHASHAH
the two of you would have to call chan because none of you can walk properly
ok but if it was only you being the drunk one then he’d know what to do
him speaking from experience that is 👀 👀 👀
removes your clothes (NOT LIKE THAT YOU FILTHY FUCK) and tucks you snuggly in bed, giving you a kiss on the forehead
might even remove your makeup if you’re wearing any
he notices a bunch of bruises on your legs, shaking his head at your clumsiness
makes a promise with himself to go with you next time
even though you would want to be with only your friends ahsahsh he doesnt give a shit about that
everything to keep you safe
doesnt want to see his precious baby hurt :((
Hyunjin
sweetheart that holds your hair/clothes back when puking :((
he pats your back gently as his face has a disgusted facial expression, loving you too much to leave you alone in the bathroom but feeling squeamish
“siri, how do you care for a drunk person?”
reads somewhere that you need to replenish water levels after puking and so he just starts bringing a whole pack of waterbottles in the bedroom
“if you need water during the night, it’s over here”
he’d try to leave the room, thinking that you’d maybe want some space when having the nausea from hell but you quietly whine which caught him off guard
“d-do you want me to stay?”
you nod and he smiles shyly, laying next to you and just looking at you sleeping??
he thinks you’re adorable :((
even if you’re a lot to handle when drunk
Jisung
ngl this mf laughing his ass off when you’re just blabbering random incoherent sentences
“who was your boyfriend now again?” “m-my squirrlll...” you reply, rubbing your face on his shoulder. “your squirrel? am i a squirrel?” you nod which makes his heart beat faster.
if you were to drink together bet your ass that he would be wrecked
probably even more drunk than you so... good luck
everytime you wanted to go out drinking with your friends he would try to persuade you to stay with him instead
“look y/n, staying and cuddling with me brings you both a cute boyfriend, take out and movies”
you shrug “doesnt bring my friends” you say putting on your shoes
“HEY! im your friend,,, your boyfriend!” he says back hugging you, dragging you to the couch, just laying down on top of you
“Jisung!! I’m gonna be late, move!”
“nope... we are cuddling tonight, remember what happened last time you went out drinking?”
you were reminded of you lying passed out infront of the apartment which scared the everliving shit out of jisung, thinking you were dead.
“noo....” you lie, smiling mischievously.
Felix
poor boy would let you sleep ahahshs
he’d tip toe around your apartment, trying to be as quieeeet as possible....
only knock down a whole fucking shelf of pans and pots
but a complete sweetheart that makes you food, knowing you’d be too tired to do it with a hangover.
do you know those jellies that can prevent hangovers??
yeah, you would find those in your bag
he wouldnt let you wear high heels because he’s scared of you falling over in them :(((
also if you go out he has to know at least one of your friends and have their phone number because NUH UH HE ISNT JUST LETTING YOU GO WITHOUT HIM KNOWING EVERYTHING
he cares,,, a lot and doesnt want to see you come home with scraped knees
because that happened,,,once?? or like maybe 10 times??
Seungmin
teasing youuuu
“weak, you barely finished a bottle”
take a bunch of pictures of you leaning against a telephone pole and then tease you for it the day after
NAH BUT WHEN YOUR REALLY DRUNK HE GETS SERIOUS
he carries you on his back, lowkey scared you’d puke on him BUT CARING NONETHELESS
you pass out on the bed, still dressed in your fancy clothes and he simply looks at you, admiring your features
if there’s anything you want, he will get it
“w-water” you groan and soon enough he returns with a glass of water
slowly sitting you up and stroking your hair, getting it out of your face.
“be more careful next time ok?”
you nod, not really understanding what he’s saying before pulling him down in bed with you, falling asleep with him in your arms.
Jeongin
he dont know what the fuck he’s doing
panic,,, sheer panic
he himself doesnt drink too much
maybe enough to feel tipsy but not DRUNK DRUNK
so when you stumble in through the door, your shoes in your hand and hair looking like a mess he gets scared HASASHAS
you fall down, scraping your knee in the hallway and he runs towards you and lifts you up, placing you down on the bed
then he’s like “....now what”
in panic calls chan that tells him to make you drink water and place a bucket nearby
he does just as he’s told but kinda scared to leave you alone in a room for too long, pulling down everything in the house to find a bucket
he removes your jacket and wraps you up in a blanket, snuggling real close to you as he slowly strokes your forehead, feeling you sweat a bit
DOESNT LEAVE YOU FOR A SECOND
#stray kids smut#straykidssmut#stray kids imagines#stray kids headcanons#stray kids reactions#stray kids drabbles#stray kids fanfic#skzsmut#skz smut#skz fanfic#skz x y/n#skz x stay#skz x reader#stray kids x gender neutral reader#stray kids x y/n#stray kids x reader#stray kids x stay#bangchan smut#lee know smut#changbin smut#hyunjin smut#han smut#seungmin smut#i.n smut#felix smut
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I don't know if you did this already (I'm sorry if you did) or somebody asked but could you do one where they supportive teammates reacts to homophobic teammates
Hello anon! This is a super interesting idea and I’ve been thinking about it for a couple days so I could get the vibe right--none of our boys would be homophobic, but new rookies on the other hand...
Sweater Weather credit goes to @lumosinlove, but this features a character who does not appear in SW (I’m not claiming him as an OC because he’s a dick)
TW for homophobic statements, no slurs
I
James caught sight of the new guy just as he was leaving the locker room, towel draped over his neck. “Rookie! Wait up, man!”
The other man paused, looking rather surprised as he jogged over. “Hey, you’re James, right?”
“Call me Pots.” He held his hand out and they shook. “Didn’t catch your name earlier, sorry.”
“Tanner Chase, nice to meet you.”
“Welcome to the team, Tanner.” James grinned. “You’re on my line, yeah?”
“Yeah, I’m a winger,” Tanner said with a good bit of pride. Oh, to be twenty again, James thought. “Giving you a run for your money.”
“Sure, kid,” James laughed. “You do that. You’d have better luck with me than Loops, though.”
Tanner’s smile turned a little sharp. “Nah, he’d be too easy, am I right?”
James paused. “What?”
“Y’know, since he’s…” Talker gave him a significant look and a stone sank in James’ gut.
“I think you lost me.” I hope this isn’t what I think it is. “Because he’s a rookie? ‘cause I hate to break it to you, but—”
“No, dude, because he’s a fairy,” he snorted, as if they were still joking around.
“Shut the fuck up.”
Tanner blinked and reeled back. “Excuse me?”
“You don’t get to talk about my friends like that. Don’t talk about anyone like that. It’s not tolerated on this team and I won’t hesitate to kick your ass if I hear it again.” James made sure his voice was as even as possible, but he could tell it shook at the edges. “You just used up your one free pass, Chase.”
II
“Drive safe, Loops!” Talker called as Remus headed for the hall with his bag under his arm.
Sirius opened the door just as he reached it and his face broke into a smile. “Bonjour, mon amour, I was just looking for you. Ready to go?”
“Hiya, handsome.” He leaned up to peck him on the lips. “Yeah, I think I left my phone on the bench, though.”
Their conversation faded out as they wandered off together and Talker returned to his stretch, closing his eyes at the familiar burn in his hamstring. “Yikes,” the new rookie muttered under his breath. Tanner…something, Talker remembered.
“What’s up? You okay?”
Tanner glanced over at him. “Doesn’t it bother you?”
“Stretching? Not really, no. That’s why I do it.”
“No, not stretching. That.” He waved a hand at the slightly-open door.
“I can close it if you—”
“Dude.” Talker crossed his legs and faced him fully. “I mean Black and Lupin.”
Talker narrowed his eyes. “No. Does it bother you?”
“I mean, yeah, how am I supposed to respect a guy like that?” he scoffed.
Talker made direct eye contact with him; he wanted zero miscommunication about this. “You respect him because he’s your captain, which is a title he earned that has nothing to do with who he loves. And you respect Loops, too, or we’re going to have an issue. I don’t know what the fuck you’re thinking bringing that attitude to this team, but you better drop it right now.”
Tanner turned back to his stretch. With a shake of his head, Talker collected his stuff and left him alone on the mats.
III
“Hey, Harzy.” Tanner sat down next to Finn on the bench and passed him a waterbottle. There was a shout from the ice as Remus stole the puck from Sirius’ stick and raced toward the goal, laughing loudly.
“Tan-man, what’s up?”
“What’s the deal with them?” he asked, lowering his voice.
“Cap and Loops? They’re engaged, didn’t you know?”
“Yeah, I know.” There was a slight tone shift that made Finn’s skin crawl. “But what do you think about it? Isn’t it, like, a little weird being on the same team as them?”
“Uh, no.”
Tanner’s eyebrows rose. “You aren’t afraid they’re looking at you or something?”
“What part of ‘engaged’ don’t you understand?” Finn’s jaw tightened. What a little shit. “If this is some homophobic fuckery, I’d like to take this time to remind you I have two boyfriends before you say something that gets you punched.”
Tanner’s eyes went wide and he scooted away without a word.
IV
“Alright, everyone, Sid’s tonight?” Kasey shouted over the noise. The whole locker room cheered in agreement and he smiled as the buzz of victory filled his chest. “Knutty, since my team kicked your ass, I believe you owe me a pizza!”
“I still say Cap is a cheater!” Leo called back; within a few seconds, Sirius had him in a loose headlock as he ruffled his hair. “Alright, alright, I give!”
The volume level did not die down as they all flooded into the hallway—Kasey spotted a flash of mousy brown hair out of the corner or his eye and frustration lodged in his throat. In a smooth movement, he reached out and blocked Tanner from following the rest of the group out. “Not you.”
“But it’s a team dinner—”
“And you’re not part of the team until you get your head out of your ass,” he said coolly. The jumble of voices echoed around the corner. That was his team. “Don’t think I missed those looks you were shooting Cap and Loops. You’re not invited. Go home and think about what actually matters.”
V
They won the next game by a landslide. Arthur Weasley was furious. Every time an opponent came to check Tanner Chase, not a single Lion moved to help him. At one point, Pots had taken the puck right off his stick and skated down the ice for a goal, leaving him in the dust. Whenever Chase was on the bench, he was pointedly ignored by the rest and left to sit alone; Logan literally sat on Talker’s lap to avoid being within five feet of the rookie.
“Team meeting, everyone sit your asses down!” he barked as he entered the locker room. Immediately, the celebratory whoops quieted. “Anyone want to tell me what the hell is going on?”
Sirius looked up at him in confusion. “I thought we played pretty well, Coach.”
“You played fine, but Chase over here got the cold shoulder like I’ve never seen before. Even the fucking commentators noticed!”
“Good,” Finn muttered under his breath.
“Shut it, O’Hara, this is not good.” He took a deep breath to try and calm himself. “Once again, does anyone want to enlighten me on this sudden attitude toward rookies? Since when are we like this?”
“It’s not toward rookies, it’s toward him,” Kasey said, glaring at Tanner from his stall. “He’s a homophobic douchebag. You want to tell Coach what you said?”
Tanner stared at the floor.
Arthur’s fury vanished. “What? Chase, is that true?” The rookie stayed silent. “Hey, kid, I’m talking to you.”
“Yes, Coach.” Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Remus’ jaw tick and Sirius’ face grow stormy.
“How long has this been going on?”
“It started the first day of practice,” Pots said, crossing his arms. “Our first conversation, in fact.”
“Eyes on me, rookie.” Tanner winced as he looked up. “I know the organization has told you in the past that this kind of behavior is okay, but right here and right now, I’m telling you it’s not. If you’re going to continue with that, you can leave.”
“I just get uncomfortable when—”
“When what?” Remus asked, standing up and leaning on his stall. He looked overall unthreatening, but there was a stony look in his eyes. “Tanner, what did Sirius and I do to make you uncomfortable?”
Tanner floundered for a moment. “It’s just—the kissing, the cuddling, the nicknames, all that.”
“You didn’t seem to have a problem when Lily came to visit,” Remus continued. “Or Natalie, or Noelle, or Celeste. Is that correct?”
“Yeah.”
“But it bothers you when I call my fiancé ‘baby’, or he calls me ‘sweetheart’?”
“It does.”
“Tanner, I hope you know I’m not going to apologize,” he finally said. “If this had nothing to do with us being gay, we would tone down the PDA, but that’s clearly not the case.”
Sirius sighed. “None of us want to alienate you, but you’re making judgements before taking the time to know us. That’s a shitty thing to do.”
“You’ve never met an openly gay person before, have you?” Remus asked. Tanner shook his head. “Hi, I’m Remus Lupin. I play a wing position on the hockey team that you were just signed to and my favorite color is green. I have a dog named Hattie and I’m engaged to a man. Nice to meet you.”
Sirius walked across the room; Arthur tensed for a moment, but he stopped in front of Tanner and held his hand out. “Sirius Black, team captain. I play center and I hate pineapple pizza. Also, I’m gay. Congrats on being signed to the Lions.”
Tanner’s eyes flickered up, and after a moment’s hesitation, he shook Sirius’ hand. “Nice to meet you.” He swallowed thickly. “Cap.”
“Nice to meet you, too. Are we done with the bullshit?”
“It—it might take me a bit to get used to it.”
“Make it quick. We’ve got games to win and nobody here has time to hold your hand through it.” Sirius turned to look at everyone else, his Captain Face in full effect. “That goes for everyone, got it? No more cold shoulders, we talk this through like adults as soon as it happens.”
“You got it, Cap,” Pots said.
“Black, Lupin, can we talk?” Coach beckoned them toward the door; just before it closed, he saw Talker walk over to Tanner’s stall.
“That’s why you respect Cap and Loops,” Talker said quietly. “Not because of threats or some shit—because of that right there.”
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bee, love, don’t apologise, please, it’s okay, and first and foremost, are you alright?? i hope you’re taking care of yourself, love, but i understand, i don’t think there’s been a year since third grade that i haven’t gotten pneumonia in the winter. I hope you’re feeling alright!!
honestly, dead poets society is one of my only personality traits anymore, i find myself drawing parallels to it constantly, for no reason but i love thinking about it. i’ve watched it so many times at this point, it’s,,, concerning. those tests always take me way less time than they give me, and i used to feel really awkward, i remember i took a bio one once, four hours they gave me, 45 minutes in, i was finished, and the moderator didn’t believe me. i aced it too, like the silly little neil kinnie i am. i’ve gotten used to the ‘worse’ side of being a neil kinnie, and honestly, now that my mum isn’t as controlling about everything as she used to be, it’s easier to deal with. i remember once, i’d gotten an 89 in algebra, and she threatened to pull me out of the fall show. that was a neil perry moment if i ever had one lol. the biggest thing these days is just imposter syndrome, imposter syndrome like oh you’re not hispanic enough, but also, you’re not queer enough, nonbinary enough, things like that. It’s exacerbated some days, but i try.
i watched the it movies on my cousin’s hbo,,, i may or may not have used it without her permission since she forgot to log out of my computer, but that’s neither here nor there. i remember having such a hard time taking the first one seriously initially, because of all the new kids on the block jokes, having a mum who was obsessed with them made it hard, especially when i actually got them all- in truth, the only midnight premiere i’ve been able to make was the force awakens, and i had school the next day too. i’m definitely a richie kinnie, and i have the internalised homophobia (only towards myself though) to prove it /hj my waterbottle has both a sticker of neil on it and a sticker of the r + e carving on it. in case there was any doubt about me lmao. stan kin makes sense for you, honestly, i can see it, i can see it.
okay so listen- no really, i’d bought them with the intention of only drinking half of one that night and spreading them out like that, but then came 9:45pm, and i had a research paper (on womens’ pockets/lack thereof) due at 10am that i simply hadn’t even started, so i downed them all in an hour and got the paper turned in at 5:56 in the morning. but i scare you huh? /hj bee, you’re too sweet, in truth, i’m fairly inelegant, but i try, as for the comforting and cosy, i’ll take you at your word, since that is something only someone interacting with me could discern. i do try to be kind to others for the most part. mainly i think because i’m usually on the other end of mean people.
i’m just perceptive like that bee, i dunno what to tell you, something just tells me, you know? /j and thank you, i always feel a little silly talking about it, because most of the tattoos i want are dead poets society tattoos, i guess some part of me, within the part of me that feels so incredibly tied to it, feels as if if i were able to get a tattoo i’d owe it to the movie in some way, if that makes any sense. i’ve already begged a friend of mine to go with me to get my first once i get to new york, the question though, is what to get first. i’ve got time to make a decision (for once in my life) i just spend a lot of time thinking about it.
honestly, i have never known a school rule to make sense. banning ripped jeans? banning dyed hair? it’s almost as if if they don’t stifle everything natural about kids expressing themselves they dont feel like they’re doing anything. but i digress. the same-sex couple rules were. awful. 12 year old me had enough going on without having an administrator yell at my friend and i for hugging in the courtyard and not leaving until we were a foot apart, but hey.
okay, jumping over a fence to go to a mcdonalds? how coming of age indie movie manic pixie dream girl of you /hj
200k words, is that a challenge? also ahaha not at all like my italian uncle up there just opened a ‘pizzeria’ /hj but mob!star au? might be a project i should start… granted, i’m not as good a storyteller as you, but i can try.
when i was little, i wanted to revolutionise things, i guess. i even actually wrote out a campaign, i wonder if its still somewhere. thank you for believing in me, but these days, bee, i’m thinking less about changing the world, and more about making it the next few weeks, and then the ones after that. little star was aware of so much, but also so little. i wonder what they’d think of me now, honestly.
i did, in fact, teach archery, it was so fun but my arms got SO SORE, and the kid who challenged my archery skills seemed surprised when i actually,, hit the bullseyes. my inner susan was happy then. incidentally the experience is also why i made a playlist called “touchstarved and wanting to teach you to shoot a bow” which low-key slaps when i’m lonely. and bee omg i cannot believe you said im better than susan pevensie i will be thinking about this for the rest of my life thank you- and yes, yes it was named aslan, however did you guess? /j prince caspian<33333
i’ll let you know my results from the tournament, as soon as they come out, and i say this having just put on pjs after taking off my suit, and sitting in the room with my cat in my dear evan hansen hoodie, frantically refreshing the results page because i’m anxious and impatient.
i hope you have a good night, with fitful and restful sleep, i’m sorry this got to be so long, but you know me, i certainly can talk. i’m honestly shocked i even made it to finals, considering i was running off four hours of sleep, having gone to bed at three last night. whoops.
all my love, hugs, and a warm mug of tea,
yours,
star✨
p.s i said yes so that?? happened?? it honestly feels surreal but we’re not gonna be in the same place anymore come the end of this year, so that’ll be something to deal with
P.p.s might just start adding spanish or latin or russian phrases to these if i keep having to translate your cute french bee /lh /hj
star my love, i know you said don't apologise, but i think the word 'sorry' makes up about 60% of my vocabulary. i'm okay!! was just a bit icky, but luckily i've recovered now!!
that's so nice - and again, makes so much sense for you. i think you would work perfectly in welton, i know it. i love bringing the messages from that film into my own life, as silly as it may sound. i'm astonished, and so fucking jealous of you. i used to finish tests maybe half an hour early, but hours is so impressive??? fun fact i did finish my physics final in about 45 minutes and slept for the other hour <3 neil would b proud my love!!! oh my god - i'm so sorry that happened??? but that is also so neil kinnie??? it seems futile me saying this, but i assure you that you are hispanic enough, and queer enough, and non-binary enough. you are enough, period. more than enough even. imposter syndrome is the worst, and i'm so so sorry you're dealing with it.
she did that to herself, you just saw an opportunity /lh a midnight premiere of the force awakens sounds so cute though omg - i hope you had the absolute best time. the r + e carving actually broke me. as a die hard reddie shipper since 2017, seeing the movie make it basically canon?! had me a mess in the cinema.
you are ridiculously comforting and cosy, everything about you feels like a warm hug from a familiar face and i love it. and the way you write is so smooth, it makes me think of a quill smoothly gliding across parchment, the deep black ink unsmudged and pristine. that seems a little pretentious of me, but oh well.
i also want some dps tattoos!! i desperately want "and still we sleep" from todd's poem, and was also so so tempted to get an outline drawing of meeks + pitts dancing on the roof. i love that, and i can't wait until the day you get it, whichever one it may be. my one concern is becoming addicted to them and making my bank account suffer - at least my piercing obsession is a little easier to fund /hj
i've NEVER gotten that - they claim it's 'distracting' but how on earth would it be?? when i got to college, no one was distracted by my dyed hair, and i certainly wasn't distracted by other people's outfits or painted nails. you were yelled at. for hugging. a friend.. what the fuck is wrong with these people??
just call me ramona flowers star /j it was possibly the highlight of my school career, sans hiding in the back room of the music room to avoid a maths test
i bet you're an amazing storyteller, if these letters are anything to go by. it would be a new york times best seller, i know it
we all have to take things one step at a time, i think. that's the only way i really get through things if i'm honest. one day after another and the cycle repeats. i love wondering what young me would think of me now - i'd probably be intimidated of myself, but i like to think i'd be proud that i'm still here, pursuing something i love
that playlist. sounds nothing short of sheer perfection. i too am touch starved and want to teach someone to shoot a bow - even though i.. cannot shoot a bow... but i can wield a sword so, it's close enough.
i saw your message about the tournament results - im so fucking proud of you!!!! you deserve it so so much and i couldn't be happier for you. see, your words and ideas are changing the world, even if you don't realise it.
ps; that is so fun???? omg im so happy for you star, you deserve tis <33 i hope towards the end of this year whatever happens leaves you both happy, no matter how far the distance.
pps; omg no.. please don't do that.. aha that would be awful... definitely wouldn't make my heart race.. haha not at all
all of my love, star. pardon the pun, but you are out of this world ;) i'll leave you with one of my favourite quotes;
il n'y a qu'un bonheur dans la vie, c'est d'aimer et d'être aimé <3
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Hey guys so here is my experience from last night lmaoo get ready cause it was unsurprisingly a hot mess full of white people microaggressions and me being alone as the only black person present having to deal with their spiritual charade shenanigans.
It's a bit long but it's a colorful description of the event and the experience taking ayahuasca, a wrap up of my own spiritual and magical journey and also a rant on the caucasity rampant in spirituality lol. A tl;dr is that it's sad that White People have to go across the world to take medicine from other people that have ceremonies revolving around it when.. we literally have our own stuff here that's like.. nearly the same vibe.. But more on that below.
So last night for the lions gate sun lining up with sirius star I was invited last minute to an ayahuasca ceremony in the edge of London kind of by Richmond park. The whole universe really opened up for me to do this Ceremony.
At first I was like I dunno I mean its hosted by wealthy white people right? Admission was £200 and I was like absolutely Not, not for a medicine taken far away from it's land and I dunno how the experience was going to be like, plus it was on a Saturday night until Sunday morning and I work in hospitality and if I couldn't get Tuesdays off to at least work in the garden center growing food and plants how would I get the full weekend off? Plus the ceremony was already full. Well without even ASKING, or really thinking much about it, for once in like.. 2 years working for this company I got the full weekend off?!?! The fuck!!!!! Like I literally had to go to my director to fight my manager to try to get off Tuesdays which are the QUIETEST day of the week for hospitality but I got the full weekend off on like one of the hottest summer weekends in England. My friend co-hosting the ceremony called me to tell me that I wouldn't have to pay full admission and it was all donation to the tribe anyway (like suggested donation) anything I could give would be appreciated but I certainly did not have to pay the full fee. Then I was supposed to go to the beach with my friends in the morning but that all fell through due to unforeseen circumstances. I was thinking the beach trip would make me unable to go to the ceremony but it was just like.. cancelled the morning of lol. Lastly this guy dropped out last second so there was space for me.I was like damn it was like the Universe reshuffled itself for me many times to do this so like sure I will take this opportunity. Plus my friend in this group did work with the tribe in Brazil earlier this year and they are friends with them and do this to raise money so that they can sustain themselves better, like they are building solar panels for electricity, building chicken coups and trying to integrate little bits of modern society (like the electricity and water filtration parts, not like social media and capitalism lmao) into their lives. The last ceremony they did they raised like 2,000 pounds and this got the tribe a lot of food and funds to buy solar panels. So I was like ok this is also a good cause I always would love to help out indigenous people that protect the Earth.
Anyway there was a vibe about the way the Universe just opened itself up for this medicine that reminded me of Mushrooms. Like it's a strange thing but people that take mushrooms medicinally say it as well like it finds you when you need it. Last night I also got a great link to healing mushrooms as well and it was just the time to open myself up to that type of frequency I guess. For a while before it was a challenge to find for years I’ve been living here, but all of a sudden the universe was like: here you go! Anyway I was thrilled to work with this medicine and ground the lessons I've learned getting pinball tossed around the cosmos on DMT at the beginning of 2020 in January.
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So yes I got to the edge of London and it was in some beautiful secret entrance building painted with murals of green jungle designs, A LOT of Indian spiritual symbolism everywhere, statues of Ganesha and other bejeweled paintings of Indian gods. It was beautiful but to be frank as much as I find Hinduism beautiful I never related much to it cause it's not my culture. What I mean by 'relate' is that there is this SEVERE obsession in white western cultures looking for spirituality in Hinduism and I never really got it. Like yes it's beautiful like many other nature-based spiritual religions but we are so far removed from the climate and nature of India like why are they so fascinated by it? Then.. there were some red flags...
Ok for starters I was the ONLY NOT-WHITE PERSON there. I think it bothered me more in this moment cause I just got off discussing with an incredible Earthy witch in NYC who changed my life who's trying to do work by providing a nature sanctuary garden for POC how nature is so inaccessible to us and it's gate-kept by wealthy white people. I could elaborate on that more later but this post will be long enough lol. But anyway, why is this medicine not accessible to POC? When it's something not even native to here either? So it's like deliberately not shared with us?
Then there were just some people's vibes like ooooh boy I dunno why but some people just felt cold towards me? Like I guess they were annoyed at me showing up last minute to their ceremony? But my friend was co-hosting it? Like if you trust my friends judgement you should have trusted her in inviting me like I am not some asshole. But they were like.. impatient with me I guess? Like 'oh you didn't bring a waterbottle?? Guess you gotta borrow one of ours.' like BITCH I don't know what to expect man the closest experience I had to this substance was DMT where it knocks you the fuck out of your body and your spirit gets catapulted into the cosmos like I didn't know I gotta bring shit, damn! And then there were some people I felt like I just didn't want to talk to. Like they already had this cold vibe towards me like they didn't think I was relatable cause I wasn't some white cosmic yoga hippie like them (sorry I am a black bog witch like leave me alone) but anyway the way they were talking about the medicine was kind of irking me too like, 'ooh can't wait to clear some stuff I just gotta clear it out you know?' I am like, Becky we gonna be vomiting into buckets like calm down.
AND THEN LASTLY oooh boy so when you do any psychedelic the space really matters right? My friend like.. assigns me this fucking (ooh boy just typing this story and reliving it I am already getting heated lmaooo) |CORNER| spot and what I mean by corner is that it is in the corner of the room but wedged between the fireplace so you are stuck between 3 tight walls and you can't fully lie down or stretch your legs. Everyone across the room could lie down but me. Then there are like vomit buckets and this white girls crystal grid blocking my path if I need to leave to use the toilet or even stretch my legs so already I am having a slight panic moment cause I hate being confined. In general, I tend to like to pick aisle seats on planes and stand on either corners by the door of the elevator cause I fucking hate being confined. So I say something immediately like: ok well can I change spots? I am worried about being blocked. Can I sit there? 'no someone is there.' There? 'no' etc. So I am just like omg I am going to have to deal with it and some people are getting a bit fussy that I am trying to demand better treatment, so I am leaving it. They at least move the pile of vomit buckets out my way lol. But these white women next to me have also taken ALL OF THE NICE fucking pillows to make themselves super comfortable pillow chairs like one for their ass and back against the wall and they were like: oh no you'll need a pillow too! (Cause the ceremony is 12 hours long throughout the night like 9 to 9) and I was like yeah... and they were like: oh no there is no more!! But like CLEARLY all of the nice cushiony things were not evenly distributed across the room and the few people who did not get some nice cushions at least had space to stretch their legs. I didn't really say anything cause obviously these two white women had like pillow thrones happening next to me and this woman literally said with a pouty face: Aww, now I feel bad cause I have two nice pillows!
BITCH, WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY?!?!?! Fucking christ. See?? SEE IT's shit like THIS that make POC hate that kind of white guilt shenanigans like, oh my god bitch either swallow your guilt in peace or give me a fucking pillow like you are trying to shift the position on to me to pressure you into giving me a pillow which you would either read as demanding or hope that I stay silent and be like: it's ok! so you can enjoy your comfort in peace and be free of your guilt. Like fuck off!!
Then there was this full time astrologer there who has some indigenous feather clip in her hair for some reason. She wanted to say a few things about what was going on with the planets. She was like: I love charting asteroids cause I feel like it's a representation of the divine feminine coming back! (I was going to be like: Me too! But the way she spoke about it was like.. not all of it is feminine? What do you mean?) she was talking about Medusa and eros conjunct in gemini right now and the myth of medusa being smited by aphrodite for being beautiful or whatever and I am thinking like I do not recall this myth cause it was Athena that turned her into the 'monster' to protect her wtf. And wanted to talk about mars retrograde that's not coming up for a while. So anyway I am like: Yeah! I love astrology too! All that you talked about was pretty cool but I also wanted to mention some big changes are coming up with Uranus going into retrograde a week from now!! :) and everyone just like.. disregarded what I said.. Like she was like: oh yeah.. that's just an outer planet.. OK BITCH like I am pretty sure Uranus, a big ass planet that has to do with revolution, freedom and change going retrograde until Autumn is much more noteworthy than some little asteroid who's myth and energy you've completely misinterpreted being conjunct with Eros. (Eros is moving into Cancer really soon too so the conjunction isn't even going to last that long). Plus I wanted to mention that it was nice that we were doing this ceremony on an Aries moon cause it's like the symbolic start of a cycle yet it's a disseminating moon so it's also like starting off a cycle by celebrating the fruits of our success. But no one really wanted to listen to me anymore though that energy did influence my trip.
Anyway there was a part of me that was pretty bummed that my best witch friend that I did DMT with could not have come as well cause there just was no more space. At least we are always on the same vibe with everything and we would have been laughing about the shadiness of it all or excited about what's to come but I felt pretty alone during this ceremony.
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So it begins, I got my borrowed waterbottle, the smallest, thinnest and hardest pillow that no one wanted for my ass that hurt more to sit on then the thin yoga mat that was just as thick as a human mousepad and I am like: who knows I may be so out of it I won't notice my space as much.
The woman leading this is someone who worked with my friend in the tribe in Brazil. She is Russian and got the feathers in her blonde whispy hair and shit I am like oh boy. She explains what work they were doing and the reason for the fundraiser like the details of what the tribe is building and how they are supporting themselves. Also the tribe that night were also doing an ayahuasca ceremony earlier to sync with us so that they can meet up in the Astral plane which is really beautiful. She also explained how they were surprised at westerners fascination with the medicine. Cause they are like: this is apart of everyday life and there are other healing plants in the amazon too. Like why do westerners have a fascination with this? It is a way to connect with the jungle and cleanse yourself and reset (once again I am making that connection to mushrooms I am like.. the vibe sounds oddly familiar), but they find westerners interest in it weird.
Ok so we start with some ceremonies to open up the space and create this 'fire spiral' altar in the middle of the room. They light the pillar candle and have a tea light for everyone in the room. We each go around to light our tea light in the spiral with our intention allowed. People go there and declare stuff like: I am free, I am aligned with my path, etc.
I think about my intention for this trip and how it feels like another pillar of understanding in my journey to connect with my heart energy, love myself and be proud of my accomplishments cause I really came a long way. I was a bit afraid it was going to be another chaotic DMT experience but I just reminded myself that no matter how bad I felt everything was going to be ok cause I have people in this world that care about me. Even if I disappear somewhere or end up dead someone will come looking for me. And I know that sounds dramatic and morbid but at one point like 5 years ago I really did not have that. I was alone, lost and suicidal. I know what loneliness can do to people and it's nice all of the friends I pulled together in London who are creative diverse witches that all made great friends with each other as well through me and it's like we created this new found family that cares and supports each other. So I light my candle and say alloud: I am protected by love and reflect that in the things I create.
Anyway the ceremony leader is like.. can I say something?? BITCH!!! HOOOOO MY GOD I should I have said NO but I was like, ok, she is the ceremony leader so I am like.. go ahead..
She was like: By saying you are protected by love that's implying you could be attacked.. (Like Why the fuck would you say this?? While I am lighting my candle?? You are putting negative energy towards my intention wtf) I was like no I meant it like.. I am supported by love. She is like: ah yeah that's better say that. She did not want to correct NONE OF THESE OTHER PEOPLE when they were saying 'I am free'? BITCH you could have had the same energy like: that's implying you could be enslaved. Anyway that irritated me into my trip. I took the ayahuasca from her and as I was feeling the effects I was feeling more and more adamant about my intentions.
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I was thinking about the times when I was alone, when I was targeted and attacked by this stupid racist social group in college that made me feel unworthy of friendship and it was hard to make new friends until I was 21 cause it was a city college so most people hung out with their highschool friends until they were old enough to go out and drink so the first two years I was fucking lonely and the subject of like a lot of harassment when I did try to socialize in clubs and would run into those people there. It nuked my self esteem. Plus though I did so much finding friends magic it was really difficult finding friends that into the same things I was. Sometimes I felt like I was the only witch, the only person really into nature and magic. After college I did another spell and met this incredible witch that we synched so much (I have def wrote wild adventures with us together but she was also abusive cause at that point I still did not know how to establish my boundaries well) but I met other amazing witches in NYC but eventually we all moved. The incredible Earth witch who changed my life was the one who accidentally gave me shrooms that were like grown with love and intention that helped break down my mental barriers and help me take charge of my life and finally move out of my house I grew up in.. like completely out of the country and into England to start my life anew. In England I was successful in making a whole community of loving witch friends who really care about me and add to the ceremonies I host. I joined greenspaces to learn how to grow food and plants. I fucking STRUGGLED in my job getting my food in the door with bartending and slaving my way up until I have a cushy desk office job with healthcare. All in 2 years. I fucking hauled ass and created and manifested the life I always wanted when I was suicidal in NYC thinking that this reality was impossible. And every time I feel anxious I know that since I love and trust in myself that I will always protect myself and even if I was worried I have like a whole SET of magical badass witch friends who would help me at anything and I would do the same for them.
When my roommate was threatening to call the police on me back when lockdown happened (long story) one friend did some healing on her and she like completely came to her senses and apologized the next day which was wild considering that she's such a proud self-absorbed person and would never do that. She realized that she was acting super ugly and was like wow I don't want to be this person. (Also I was so close to cursing the shit out of her lol but we are cool now). Also I am going away to Italy for the first time to be with this gorgeous man who wants to take me around his hometown but I am only going cause another close witch friend just moved to the neighboring town and will check up on me. She made sure to call him without me even asking to look at his itinerary and include herself and her boyfriend in a night of drinks to check up on us lmaoo. She is such an Aries I love her. If anything would happen to me she would make sure I was safe and could stay with her if something went wrong.
God I could go on about each friend, how they've helped me with confidence, healing, safety and just feeling loved, valued, accepted and less alone which is powerful in this society that thrives on people not valuing themselves and where pure unconditional love has seemed to have lost it's meaning. One thing I admire about trees so much is how when they grow together their roots intertwine underneath the ground so that they can support each other upright during winds and storms. They also send nutrients to each other and help each other grow. I feel like I made a network of trees with witch friends in London and I am proud of that when I didn't have that years ago when I was alone and actively hated by a group in college. (I mean about the group it was more like a dynamic where a guy who had control over the club wanted to shun me cause he just likes the power dynamic of picking someone to talk shit about like literally if it was not me it was going to be someone else. So one party cause I did have a crush on him, I told him as I was wasted I was into him but then later apologized when sober if he didn't feel the same way. Like it really wasn't a big deal, I was a flirty 19 year old, but it was fuel for him to once again redirect negative attention on someone cause he's someone who's insecure so he likes the power of getting others focus on people and crush them. The "mutual friends" kind of didn't care about what was going on. The reason why this dynamic worked is cause in a way everyone was a bit lonely and didn't value themselves so they were willing to do anything to fit into a toxic social circle to have access to a club room and drink underage on campus to feel included and didn't want to question who the witch hunt of the week was so they could feel like they were in the ‘in crowd’. It was pathetic when one of them would be the new target and they would come to me like: boohoo I know what it feels like. Bitch I do not care and I made new friends and moved on. Fucking cunts.
-Another thing about being protected by love is like as a black woman even though I got some privileges being mixed and half European I still was subject to racism and I am still scared of hate crimes fueled by sexism and queerphobia but I have friends who will support me and understand and if anything happened to me people would care. Like yes some people in this world DO have things to fear about getting attacked cause we are not all privileged in society to not fear getting hurt Karen.
Anyway as the ayahuasca was kicking in I started getting a bit emotional cause I was thinking about people in the world that really deserve to be loved in this society that condemns us for loving ourselves which is the most important thing. I was crying thinking about black kids especially black girls trying to survive in this society or LGBT+ kids and how some people can't even have their existences respected. How people mock others for their gender identity but those people are in a constant battle with loving themselves cause I am sure at the end of the day they feel hopeless at times or giving up and have to fucking battle dysphoria and have to survive in a society that actively wants them dead and its really fucking upsetting like hooo them psychadelics were opening my heart and grief while this white woman across the room was doing some downward dog yoga shit into her bucket so she can wretch into it lmaoo..
When it started kicking in, boy omgg I felt SO GOOD but I was like..
This..
THIS (I got so mad when I realized this)
THIS IS JUST FUCKING MUSHROOMS LIKE!!!!! !!! !
THIS VIBE IS SERIOUSLY JUST SHROOMS, THE JUNGLE EDITION™
like no wonder the tribes are like: what are white people on about? Cause if they all came with their pashmina scarves, harem pants and grinch-finger dreadlocks to my woodland for mushrooms, especially when there are so many magical plants as well but they are just focusing on this psychedelic when there's also like native medicines in every land I would be a bit confused too. Like we were drinking something that was the equivalent of mushroom tea but it made you vomit it back up eventually. Ohh my god lmaooo.
I felt so beautiful though. Some comparisons if you guys have done mushrooms: where as mushrooms make you feel these gentle pulsations like everything is breathing around you had has this gentle life breathing among everything like it's all connected (like the mycellium under a forest), ayahuasca makes you feel so sensual like everything is kind of just rolling like how the underside of waves look except the waves are large snakes. Like things start getting wavy the way snakes move but slow and sensually, think like the way a bellydancers hips can roll. It was a whole MOOD.
Also with mushrooms when you close your eyes you can see these beautiful patterns bloom before your eyes like pastel art nouveau fractal patterns of tree roots, or clusters of bubbles you'd see looking at plant stems vascular bundles under a microscope or the web-like pattern you see in butterfly and dragonfly wings. With ayahuasca when you close your eyes you see like bright neon colored geometric shapes expanding like bismuth crystals, the patterns you see in indigenous textiles like triangles and cubes, sometimes they will lattice together and make beautiful neon snake-skins that gently slither together. If you've ever seen Miyazaki's/Studio Ghibli's castle in the sky it reminds me of that 'lost technology' metal blocks with runes and scriptures on it moving around. Sometimes you will be following this thread of cubes and they'd be moving around like in that scene and in this cavern of blocks you'd see this celestial-looking geometric crystaline being be revealed. It's very beautiful.
Though mushrooms can make you purge, it really does not happen often. However with ayahuasca it's almost a guarantee you will vomit it back up.
So people are all wretching everywhere as the ceremony leader is singing some folk songs from the tribe to guide us through our journey. What's cool is that you kind of feel that purge coming towards the peak end of the trip like a kind of brown murky snake rising from the bottom of your body up like kundalini energy starting from the base of your spine bowels past your stomach up until it pokes from your throat opening up that passage way until you feel it in your head and you just release it all out into the bucket. Not really glam but it doesn't taste bad but then again being a bog witch I drink all sorts of murky plant teas so I am used to the flavor palate. (It's like a sweet in an aromatic way and reminds me of one of those chinese medicinal murky teas).
Also as I was realizing the similarities between this and shrooms I was like wow it's a shame that we aren't outside or somewhere with jungle plants at least to connect with that plant energy. Instead we are in this hindu spiritual retreat place but if we just did some shrooms we could have been out in the sunlight at richmond park hugging the massive ancient trees there and feeding the wild deer summer strawberries like instead I am fucking cramped in this corner vomiting into a bucket with this exotic medicine.
As my trip went on I was thinking more about my friends who care about me and support me and how much I loved them and I couldn't stop thinking about my best witch friend that I did DMT with whom I wish was there. Like we would at least have been laughing about this or vomiting together or she would be like: omg this would be such great play-write material. She is white passing but super self aware and would at least make sure that I felt ok and included in all of this. I took a moment to step out of the circle to text her about the details and the woman in the corner doing yoga and vomiting in her downward dog pose and she was cackling and of course since the medicine connects you to that heartspace I was like confessing how much I care about her and how much of a special friend she was to me and was tearing up but one of the ceremony leaders followed me outside and was like: no phones!! It's not good energy!! Omg?? Like sorry I forgot cellphones were the devil's energy, it's not like I am bored and scrolling through social media, I just wanted to connect with my best friend who makes me feel less alone thanks.. Anyway I went back after being scolded and tried to get comfortable in my cramped spot.
Some positive affirmations I did get through all this was that (bringing back the disseminating moon vibe) I was loved and should be really proud of how far I've come. I kept thinking about all the people I love and cared about and how I should express my love in little ways that will make them happy like celebrating love everyday to make sure that people can feel supported cause it was the themes of my DMT trip too but now it was clearer and more grounded. I also got messages that sometimes I tend to be too selfless and there will be a time that I will help others but I should prioritize myself first mostly cause when my cup is full or when I get to positions of power or comfort I can always share that with people I care about.
It was a good conclusion to a half years effort cause this also reflected my Glastonbury trip back in November where this witch who read my tarot cards gave me the clearest reading of my life and told me that I would not do well if I did not confront my heart energy and the pain there that was still festering from the social experience at university. So the efforts I went through my friend giving me sound healing and the DMT trip and other stuff has really opened up my heart and helped me to connect with that energy and care about myself more.
But there was the theme again of I really need to protect myself first. Sometimes when the white girl next to me was mercilessly wretching and wailing into her bucket I felt so emotional for her that I would fan her but I would get this loud voice in my head like: DID SHE EVEN ASK THAT OF YOU?? FAN YOURSELF IT'S HOT BITCH- SHE OK SHE GOT HER FUCKING PILLOW THRONE WHEN YOUR ASS IS ON THE HARD GROUND. After purging and trying to get comfortable in my corner I would get increasingly aware of the lack of space and how I was starting to feel claustrophobic and it was starting to fuck with me. Cause yeah I got mental health issues, but it's usually under wraps when I take care of myself like, good sleep, food and water but, I was getting sleep deprived since this was an all night ceremony, I wasn't able to eat food to fast before this, and now I can't even fucking lie down cause I was in a coffin of a corner on the hard ground. My muscles and knee joints were starting to hurt. People were so in the zone just like.. doing arm-trance dance shit or throwing up while the ceremony host was hollering some songs which no one understood the meaning to and I felt at that point it was too late to ask anyone to share their pillows. I was noticing as I was coming down from the sensual jungle slithering plane that I was in muscle and joint pain.
I was like: Ok it's fine, the night would go by quickly.. It was not going by quickly.. I remember once I was sneakily looking at my phone’s clock and it was 4:30AM. I was like ok just gotta get through this time will pass.. The ceremony leader was like intoning some frequency so loudly she was trying to channel some celestial dolphins and whales or some shit but it was so high pitched the crown of my head would be vibrating and at first it feels energizing and cool but since my head hasn't had anyplace comfortable to rest I got a tension migraine from placing it on the floor so I could feel the high pitch note like vibrating the pain in my head. Then she was doing individual healings (I also got skipped somehow in this), she would be like channeling the frequencies for each person and making sure they purged what they need to purge and they would wretch into the bucket some more as she was growling into their backs, the feathers stuck in her blonde hair, quivering as she growled, there was the yoga girl now crying releasing her purge again. Someone was sticking their legs into the air and waving them around cause of energy I guess. I am like ok ok time will pass quickly.. what time is it? *sneakily checks my phone again so I won't get yelled at* 4:32am
OH HELL NO. I am trying to calm myself down but like if you struggle with the mental health imbalance I was in the red zone. Like I have not eaten, my stomach is cleared with vomiting, I cannot sleep, I am CONFINED in this corner, unable to stretch my legs, I am in PAIN, I feel alone.. They go around offering everyone a cup again and I am like: fuck it let me take a second cup..
So I start feeling good again, I feel like a sensual snake like trying to slither across silk. (You know when snakes try to slither across silk but they cannot move across it? It's like that you are just slithering in place) but literally I also feel like a clearer message in my mind almost like the spirit of ayahuasca is communicating with me like: Hun.. babe.. You got your positive affirmations that it's your time to rest and celebrate all you're hard work but you need to remember that you gotta honor and take care of yourself as a part of self love and you being confined in this space is not an act of self love. Especially if you do decide to stay here longer your mood and health will drop so low that it will affect others healings so it's best for everyone if you try to go home early. Like I felt the spirit of that medicine actually encouraging me to leave. Like the fucking ayahuasca itself was like this environment isn’t healthy for you lmaoooo.
And I think that's wild.. It's so wild that these white women are all like: We are going to connect with the cosmic dolphin frequencies, and the tribe in the amazon and the human race, but they CAN'T EVEN FUCKING CONNECT TO THE BLACK GIRL IN PAIN IN THE CORNER OF THE ROOM, like they can't even distribute their nice pillows, they can't even read that I need help. They SKIPPED me with the individual healing. They were so cold towards me. Fuck it! Even my friend's companion dog who was there noticed I was off. She would look at me with concern in her big eyes and apprehension cause she could feel my pain turning into mentally unstable anger. I was like aw man I am killing the dogs vibe right now but damn the dog noticed and even these white women didn't?! Like I dunno if they are that empathetically shut off or if they were deliberately ignoring me. lmao,
Also I think maybe cause I vibe so much with plants and genuinely want to reforest some land some day maybe that's why I feel so at home in the ayahuasca high like the medicine was really comforting the second cup but it also was like: you cannot hide within my frequency to escape pain- cause obviously it's NOT a substance for escapism. Anything but. It was like: it's time to go home and take care of yourself. (Like you'd imagine being on the brink of a mental breakdown taking this stuff may push you over the edge but it was actually very loving, sensual and re-affirming again.)
So the ceremony leaders notice since it's 5AM that most people are comfortably asleep in their piles of pillows and stretched out legs and they are about to go to bed but I go up to my friend and am like: thank you for everything, I think I should go home now.. And the women leading it were all Surprised and Shocked! 'Oh my goodness?? She's leaving?! Going home? The event isn't over!' Mind you this is by Richmond park and I live in north London by Hampstead heath so yeah it is a mission. I also could not afford the £40 uber so I was willing to take the shady public sunday morning night bus home lmao (oh no she'll expose herself to all that heavy shady energies of public transit! 🙄). But I was like the amount of time the bus would take from me to go home is probably not as long as the way time was inching slowly within that space and me being in pain. So my friend walked me out and I was trying to be as loving and cheerful and grateful cause I honestly did not want to bring down anyone's vibe. She checked up on me as I was getting my things to make sure I had a healing experience. I tried to be a little honest in being like: It was beautiful, it reminded me of mushrooms but like from the jungle.. Honestly the reason why I am leaving is cause I am in physical pain and I don’t think I can stay in the corner any longer; and she was like: yeah well ceremony is never comfortable. HOOOOOO LAWDDD. Oooof.. Omg.. Like.. OOF firstly.. The ceremony leaders each had 3 stacks of like thick pillowy matts to sleep on which ONE Of them could have been given to me and like yeah I am sure ceremony is at least bearable when you have a fucking pillow throne and mattresses and not confined in a coffin of a corner spot unable to move your legs without knocking someone’s vomit bucket over. Jesus. I didn’t say anything. I just grabbed my shit and left. As soon as I was free on the other side of the gate I felt SO RELIEVED!!
It was so refreshing being outside on sunrise, free to stretch my legs. I could still feel the affect of the medicine as things would pass me by and I'd see like this stream of energy behind them it was really pretty and cool. Since it was London in Liminal Space Hours™, there were foxes everywhere leaving behind streams of soft light as they'd move around the empty streets. The bus was pretty chill other than this fucking creep of a man walking in this dark cloud and when he moved past me his stream of light was literally some ugly fluorescent hostile neon color I was like wow I can literally see your grimy frequency right now lmaoo. But whatever, anything was better than staying silent in that cramped corner to cater to white women's comfort.
Anyway I got home, got plenty of water, took care of myself and crashed on my super comfortable bed. It was a really good decision I made I could not imagine staying until 9 AM like it was not possible and I am grateful I honored myself in leaving early and listening to ayahuasca's reminder to do that as well.
-
So the conclusions I made:
White people as a modern cultural collective are fucking wild and can sometimes be a lost cause, cause we literally have medicine here that does similar stuff and more like flying ointments which can help you confront your shadow and fly to other planes but they just want to lose themselves in the mysteries of other peoples exotified cultures that still have traditions in tact to celebrate the nature around them cause white people are disconnected completely from the nature that they come from. (Also obviously to clarify I mean white people as the modern white supremacist culture, obviously not everyone individually cause I am friends with a lot of white witches here doing invaluable work connecting people back with the native land, plant medicines and traditions and many of them trying to save the Gaelic language and traditions that are still under threat and being killed off today).
Though ayahuasca can be more of a powerful cleanser than mushrooms, it's essentially the same frequency of plant medicine like the same vibe just connecting you to another land and there is a reason why indigenous people think white people are weird for over glorifying it when we have our own shit. If you are really curious about ayahuasca I mean mushrooms are good enough a job really and will better connect you to the woodlands that you may live in.
Most importantly I kind of understand the type of role I need to play and the path there isn't clear cut but it's important for me to keep spreading that message of love. Right now we live in a dark dank ass time line when the Earth is transiting some dark corner of the cosmos and everything is going through it's own nasty purge while we try to ascend to a new and better reality. However this new and better reality is really indifferent towards the existence of the human race or white supremacy so as the earth ascends and has it’s own purges, if people don't fucking get it together, especially white people, we are going to get taken out as the rest of the world thrives and glows up without us. It's so easy to fall into a spiral of self hate cause this shitty evil society we live in thrives on us not knowing how to honor ourselves and love ourselves. Even capitalism has twisted the idea of loving ourselves into something selfish or synonymous with splurging money to further empower stupid companies to give us quick highs from new purchases that will lose it's meaning and later pollute the earth.
On these trips a message I keep on getting is that love and life are synonymous. It's true and sad that there are many people brought into this world without love but what lets life thrive and what makes life worth living is love. And love is really that energy where we are grateful in our existence and the existence of our friends and those that support us and nature that supports us. But often what helps us understand that love is being able to support ourselves and do stuff that honors ourselves. And yes being loved IS a need, so it's important to seek out friends that validate you and that will love and support you and that you can do the same with them. If you find that network you will feel less alone and when you love yourself you will never feel alone and that in itself is true empowerment. When you have love in your life like that you can do anything and you will always feel safe.
And I think that's why I was crying at the beginning of my trip cause I know what it's like to not have that. I know what it was like to feel hopeless and suicidal. We also live in a society that like beats down on kids of color especially black girls and like LGBT kids especially trans kids and it makes me so sad to think that there are people here that don't even realize how valuable they are by just existing. Like their lives don't just matter, they are INVALUABLE and that they need to fight for themselves every day and make the effort to love themselves cause honestly once they push through and really figure out how to love themselves they don't realize that they are literally a beacon of light and hope for others to learn how to love themselves too. Once they get to that place someone else who could be alone and struggling can look to them and be like: wow I do have the right to exist and be valued cause this person found a way to do it themselves even though society shat on them the whole time. And it's important to support your peers in these marginalized groups as well and be allies to those who are not well supported in this society. Like this is such a shitty timeline but people need to realize that they are made of love and that they are valuable and that the future of humanity and our peace and well being depends on their missions to find love for themselves and overcome white supremacy's demon ass structure that is enslaving us all.
Ok that is all. If you have read all of this thank you <3
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