#was talking to a friend and she was talking about how she didnt like how disruptive the tutorial of the demo was
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It's mostly the fault of poor editorial practices that B&R is so heavily misaligned continuity-wise w/ the main batman book. But walk with me for a minute:
You are Damian Wayne. You are 14 years old and have had one of the worst years of your life last year. Which is saying a lot.
Your brother, one of the people you were closest to, got shot in the head and forgot who you were. Your best friend went to space for a week and came back 3/4 years older than you, taking away your previously established dynamic and leaving you to have to bond all over again w/ a new one. You may or may not have gone wayyy too far with your new superhero team, who now all hate you, because you fucked up big time*
And worst of all, when you do try to do the right thing, you end up forced to watch Alfred, a father figure to you, the only one at your birthday that year, the person who has been so patient, loving and trusting with you, even when you probably didnt deserve it...die. you watch him die, and feel it's all your fault.
And your dad never corrects you on that last point. So you run away.
First to your mom who can tell something's up with you, she knows you don't give up that easy, you decide not to stay with her because you remembered how actually, neither of your parents are good at communicating with you despite their best efforts, so now you're 14 and flying solo.
And you do fly solo. For a while. Make new friends, new enemies. You think you're better off for it. You've got your best friend and your brother back. They're not around as much. It's fine.
And eventually your dad tells you that it's not your fault that Alfred died. Bit late but it's appreciated. Really. There's a bit of a hiccup where you get possessed by a demon and wage war against your father but after that, all in all, you two are...together again.
You start to think maybe you want to give him another chance, for the two of you to be father and son.
And in a change of pace, it works out! It's going good, mostly. He insists you go to highschool, you resist, feel like he wants you to be something that you're not (wants you to be normal), but eventually you acquiesce for your own reasons. He cheers you on at soccer and nosies around at your fundraising events with the other parents and gives you a stern talking to about your choice of girlfriend. Because he cares.
Except all the while this is going on, your dad is currently having his brain slowly taken over by an evil version of himself that he created and every time you look away he's slowly tearing your family apart (your brothers are just barely keeping it together. The ones who didn't get lobotmized that is Jesus Christ). You keep taking his side in these conflicts, for whatever reason. Maybe because he promised it would be different this time, and it isn't** and you're going to stick with him until he keeps his word for once.
But at the end of the day?
It's like your brother says. You're not the one who saves him. Broadly speaking, you've made things worse and needed others to come save you. And what else is Robin really for? You thought it was about redemption and teamwork but guess you're wrong. It's about saving your self destructive, apparently two-faced and erratic father. And you can't even do that right.
* TT (2016) by Adam Glass is a racist ooc mess, but unfortunately it's still canon so I'm referencing here, though like a lot of works authors clearly wish weren't canon but are, it's been subsequently glossed over. Win? Maybe? Or not?
** again Zdarky's characterization of Damian is so outdated as to be ooc, and considering the way he constantly and explicitly uses it to illustrate Tim's strengths as robin, I'd argue there's. Also implications there. But the batshit insanity of the main batbook compared to B&R rn is crucial for this post, so I'm attempting to justify it. This time..
#ramblings of a lunatic#dc comics#damian wayne#batman and robin#i know i already made an animatic of steph to tears over beers by modern baseball (you know the bit)#but this post has made me think of damian in this context. weeps#idk i read batman 138 for myself and the ways Zdarsky structures it to portray damian as inferior is just. AUGHH IT MAKES ME SICK#LEAVE MY BOY ALONE#the fact that josh williamson (not a perfect writer but i generally enjoy his stuff) had to single handedly save damian-#-after didio left the company and make him robin/a hero again#ONLY FOR THIS STILL TO BE HAPPENING THE MOMENT DAMIAN IS IN A NON JOSH WILLIAMSON BOOK#SICKENING#anyways. imagine if these titles connected and created a greater narrative besides building to event books. would be crazy huh?#that's not fair B&R is enjoyable in its own right and I'd rather have the main batman book touching less things to be frank#but still#if they ever do the theoretical tim/damian robins miniseries that lives in my brain maybe this could be discussed in some way#anyway <3
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how I manifested my dream life after years of overconsumption
hello! after being in this community for many years, hopelessly and endlessly trying to manifest the life of my dreams since i was a young teen, i can finally say i did it. i'm living the life i always wanted. this is my success story ٩( 'ω' )و (very long and detailed! + mentions of heavy topics)
how i did it: the journey
i initally found out about manifesting from a friend who told me about subliminals, then i became invested in law of attraction and soon, law of assumption.
for years I was in a nonstop cycle of overconsuming information, deciding to put my foot down and say "this is it", only go back spiraling in my negative thoughts & old story hours or even minutes later. this cycle lasted for years. i felt like the law could not be this easy, and heavily relied on my 3d for evidence/signs of my desire. i felt like there was always something else to do in the 3d (subliminals, scripting, vision board, etc) and was not satisfied in just believing in the unseen.
eventually, i became sick of it. i wanted my dream life so badly, i would cry myself to sleep some nights because of how badly i wanted to be free from my old story. i hated my old life, and was desperate for my new one.
i constantly reread the same edward art posts, tumblr posts, and success stories about the law and craved for something new, but at this point i already knew all i needed to know about the law. i had some success with the law of assumption in the past (manifesting my acceptance into uni, talking to a cute boy etc.) but getting my entire dream life felt like it was impossible. i knew i can get anything and everything i wanted, but honestly i was scared and felt like there was a barrier between me and my desire. yet, i held onto these feelings for years. at some point i even felt childish and the need to "grow up and be realistic" about what i wanted since everything around me was changing and i wasn't getting any younger. but i still held onto my dreams and desires, it was planted into my heart for a reason and I really wanted it to come true.
one day i was clearing out my phone and came across blushydior's success story of how she manifested her dream life in hard circumstances. i read her post again and really internalized what she said about the law.
in short, life is a blank canvas. the minute you decide what you want, it is done. there is nothing stopping you from getting anything you ever wanted because it is already finished. just keep persisting and accepting that it is done because it simply is; nothing else left to do.
so i decided to go all in. i didn't do much: just affirm that i had my desire when i thought about it and embody the state. during the first few days, i felt a wave of happiness and excitement whenever I affirmed for my desires. i knew i had them, and it made me happy. i didn't ignore my 3d, i simply lived through it. i did whatever i had to do in my 3d while still thinking "oh i already have my desire! nothing can stop me, it's all done!"
over time, the feelings of excitement faded and it became more of a feeling of security and calmness. i would still think thoughts like "oh yeah i have my desire, oh well whatever" and simply move on.
i will say though, in the middle i did kind of cave and want to fall into my old ways. i had the feelings of calmness but felt like there was something else left to do. i logged onto tumblr and scrolled over some of the posts i had saved, but didn't read them and rely on them for info. i had to force myself to snap out of feeling like I didn't have it and remind myself that i had it. when i felt overwhelmed with my 3d or faced something that i didnt like, i would remind myself of my desires being complete.
at night i'd also imagine romantic scenarios about me and my sp to fall asleep but i didn't do anything like try to get into sats or void (i tried them before and found them quite boring lol)
eventually after sticking to the assumption that i have my desires, regardless of what i see in the 3d, nothing can stop me from getting my desire because it's already done, i got them all. woke up with everything i want. this is what it means to persist: to take the leap of faith, go all in, and just keep on believing that you already have it!
the old and new story:
old story: I grew up in a very restrictive lifestyle with little freedom and privacy in my house, as well as super traditional and religious parents that made me feel uncomfortable in many areas of my life. my life was primarily just me taking care of my annoying younger siblings and studying to get good grades so I could make my parents happy. I did not have much success with maintaining friendships, no luck in the love department, and disliked who I was as a person for much of my life. I was completely dependent on my parents and wanted their approval for everything; it felt like I was living and doing all of these activities to make them proud, even though they never told me they were. anything that I wanted to pursue I shut down before even trying because I knew they would not approve. I was also constantly being pushed into these religious spaces that made me super uncomfortable due to their beliefs and have been verbally and physically abused in the name of so-called religion. I was living a life that I did not want, by finding the law it gave me an opportunity to live my own life for once.
new story: appearance transformation from head to toe, apartment and houses of my dreams in my desired cities & countries, talents, skills, and knowledge about topics I was curious about, language fluency, ideal wardrobe with all my dream clothes, items on my wishlist, having financial freedom, being free, independent, and in charge of my life, having the boyfriend of my dreams (guys he is so fine like omg), completely revamping and rewriting my past, having a tight knit friend group and the biggest one of all, the thing i wanted for so long --
being a famous musical artist in one of the biggest girl groups in the world <3
i am so so so glad i never gave up, it really is easy.
the law in summary:-
decide what you want to manifest
have faith and know that you already have your desire, it is done and nothing can stop you from getting it (remember! methods are optional)
just persist, do not give up. it will manifest into the 3d! nothing else left to do.
good luck everyone, you can do it and i believe in you <3
#law of assumption#success story#neville goddard#void success#manifesting#manifestation#affirm and persist#law of attraction#master manifestor#loa success#loassumption#loa tumblr
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A yandere request for Ayaka, Navia, Arlecchino, and Jean having their darling escape, when they track them down in forest they find their darling sitting down and just let them kidnap them again because their families even their lover don't want them even they don't care if they get kidnap which lead darling having no one to support them
(Alrighty! Coming right up!! TWs if needed!!)
Ayaka
•When ayaka found you she was mad at first but then calmer and happier she would comfort you dragging you back to the house, now since no one wants you besides her that means you dont have any reason to escape from her! Yes she did lock you in the room for the rest of the tight to teach you a lesson but now she trusts you a little more for you to not escape! I mean she has her brother and Thoma to tell her if you are so theres nothing to worry about!——“Now we can be together forever sweetheart!”
Navia
•It was pretty quick when she found you crying, getting her parasol to try to shield you from getting soak any longer as she would sigh quickly getting you up and going back home, pacing around the room think for a punishment as your head was down, it wasnt harsh she just tied you up for a week like how you were when she first kidnapped you, but she is more calm becuase she has your henchman and she knows that no one is willing to save you so she isnt to worried——“Next time be more careful! But… there isnt going to be a next time becuase your with me!”
Arlecchino
•She knew where you were and why you were leaving, but she didn’t expect that your family that she thought cared deeply about you didnt care so what she did was she killed them, ALL of them then getting back to you, letting you cry it all out the picking you up over her shoulder locking you in the bedroom for just a day then letting you out but keeping a eye on you, having lyney, lyenette, and freminet (PLATONIC YANS) comfort you—— “This is why you need to listen to father!”——Lyney “You know we care mother.”——Lynette “Next time just talk to us..”——Freminet
Jean
•She would be the quickest to find you, having the KoF be involved aswell as she would hear your cries, running towards the sound as you explain everything she would he mad, a little at you but also mostly at your friends and family, she would bring you back putting you in solitary confinement but somehow your family and friends somehow disappeared.. strange.. “Dont ever do that again, Understand?”
#genshin x reader#genshin impact#fatui#fatui x reader#pearlsrequests#yandere genshin imagines#yandere genshin impact#jean genshin impact#jean x reader#arlecchino x reader#arlecchino#genshin navia#navia x reader#kamisato ayaka#ayaka x reader
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so high school ; JB5
pairing(s) ; jude bellingham x singer!reader , jude bellingham x student!reader
summary ; twitters favourite new(ish) artist drops her new album right during her school year.
warnings ; nothinggggg & mainly just fluff bc i love happy people
note ; SORRY ITS SHORT AHHAHA, i’ll post a new lando fic soon i just have no inspiration… ignore any dates that are wrong or don’t match - im lazy. also this is VERYYYY LOOSLY based off so high school lol (it’s mainly the aristotle line)
instagram !
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youruser surprise !!!!! as an end of term present (for myself🤭🥳) and in honour of knowing the loml for 15 years, here’s 15 new songs for you guys to (hopefully) enjoy 😊 noah, thank you for trusting me and letting me join you on what might be one of my favourite songs ever!! i loveeee youuuu. && to my jude<3 thank you for inspiring me every single day of our lives. i love you bigger than the whole sky 🩵🩵 (guys he’s actually v v talented and he helped me write scared of my guitar, hard to sleep, and feels like) j, you are my safe place and these songs — especially the ones i haven’t let you hear yet — are for you.
ps guys idk how to only write happy songs but jude is the only one who makes me feel safe enough to express my emotions through my songs 😁 i looooovvveee him and am NOT 🙅♀️ breaking up with him. he is stuck with me forever💞
‘the alchemy’ is YOURS tonight at midnight 💓
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user1 WHAT
user2 YOU CANT JUST DROP THIS ON US WTF
oliviarodrigo my girl💞💞 i’m so so soooo excited😭
user3 GIRL I KNOW YOU DIDNT JUST CALL THE ALBUM ‘the alchemy’ FOR NO REASON. WHERE TF IS THE TITLE TRACK I KNOW YOUVE GOT HER SOMEWHERE
youruser jude and i love the alchemy the most out of all the songs and wanna keep her just ours for a little bit longer but maybe if you guys enjoy these songs i’ll let you have my baby
user4 YNAJDKJSKDKDIS
user5 WHATTTT songs did she not let jude hear omfg i need to know
youruser he’s heard them all except for daylight, paper rings & so high school lollll
judebellingham refreshing my spotify every minute til midnight you guys don’t understand she’s kept these songs in a VAULT
user6 jude i know you love spotify but apple music get new music 10 minutes early xxx
judebellingham just made an apple music account
user7 TEN MINS TIL THE ALBUM OF THE YEAR DROPS
taylorswift so so proud of you beautiful 🩷🩷
judebellingham I LOVE YOU SO FUCKING MUCH
judebellingham putting ALLLL of these on the pre-game playlist
youruser babe idk if some of these will pump you up before a game
judebellingham hearing your voice will pump me up idc how sad the song is xx
user8 why’s no one talking about how she’s in UNIVERSITY and dropped a FIFTEEN song album like …??? she’s INSANE. WHERE did she find the TIMEEE
user9 not to mention she lives with him in madrid and does school online coz her uni is in the uk
user10 she’s insane i don’t understand how😭😭
imessages !
instagram !
youruser just posted to their close friends story.
twitter !
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youruser surprised my fav person in the uk for his england game and he scored for me 😆🩵🩵
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user1 she wrote “you know how to ball” and he said “yeah” then scored a goal and did a celebration for her😭
user2 zoom in on pic 6 and you’ll see me laying on the road waiting to be run over
judbellingham ‘unemployed girlfriend’ but you’re the greatest singer on earth while also doing online uni full time and you still make time to be able to come see me
youruser it’s coz i love you so so bad
jobebellingham you make me sick
youruser i love u too jobeyyyyyy
england our favourite visitor💙💙
user3 how does she do all this whilst going to uni😭😭😭
oliviarodrigo 💖💖💖
judebellingham I LOVVVEEEE YOUUUUU
user4 i NEED the top in pic 8 where is it from
youruser i found it on depop and HAD to buy it😭😭 i think someone made it x
chappellroan HOTTTTT (you not ur bf)
youruser I WOULD DIE FOR YOU MY WIFE💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓
user5 i don’t understand how you write sad songs like the ones on your album if ur ‘in love with jude’
user6 jude deserves better than someone who’s so caught up on and still writes songs about her exes
user7 WHYS NO ONE TALKING ABOUT THE LYRICS SHE POSTED ON TWITTER IM GOJNG INSANE
user8 LITERALLY?/!;!!/;@:8@ LIKE ??????? “WHERES THE TROPHY? HE JUST COMES RUNNING OVER TO ME” IS SO JUDE CODED WHEN Y/N IS AT LITERALLY ANY OF HIS GAMES
user7 EXACTLYYYYY HE ALWAYSSS RUNS TO HER IMMEDIATELY AFTER HES ALLOWED TO DO HIS OWN THING. ITS FUCKING ADORABLE
user8 IM SO GLAD SOMEONE UNDERSTANDS ME
user7 were both insane let’s get married
user8 dm me right now wife
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imessages !
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youruser lol little life update coz i’ve been m.i.a. for the last almost two months. 1: i went blonde again. 2: my man still as fine as ever. 3: got engaged or whatever lol. 4: slaying up exams. 5: i miss tour so i decided imma come back and see you all soon 🤭🤭 tour dates soon <3
ps in honour of becoming fiance or whatever🤗 the alchemy and 4 other songs are yours on the deluxe version of ‘the alchemy’ ,, out tonight !!!
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user1 WHAT THE FUCK
user2 GIRL LET US BREATHE
harrykane juudddeeeeee!!! congrats🥳❤️
declanrice mr bellingham that is a ROCK
user3 SHE DISAPPEARED FOR TWO MONTHS AND THEN CAME BACK AND DROPPED ALL OF RHAT ON HS
gracieabrams OMG WIFE IS GONNA BE A WIFE
user4 BLONDE YN IS BACK AND SHES A FIANCÉ OH MY GOD
judebellingham WIFE WIFE WIFE‼️‼️‼️
youruser not yet my love but so close🥰
judebellingham I CANT HEAR YOU MY WIFE IS AN ACADEMIC AND LYRICAL GENIUS
user5 she’s still writing break up and sad songs whilst engaged… so weird
user6 yeah and jude helps her,, he must be so disgusted right? seriously get a life and go touch grass
taylorswift so so happy for you 💓💓
youruser 🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶 i love you
user7 TOUR TOUR TOUR TOUR TOUR
england juddeeeeee💙 sooo happy for you two
trentarnold ❤️❤️❤️
user8 how girl just gonna casually drop a ENGAGEMENT announcement in the middle of a photo dump
user9 REALLLL LIKE THATS A BIG ASS RING TOO
noahkahanmusic YESSSSS🤍🤍🤍🤍
user10 HOWWWW is miss girl gonna find time in her schedule to do uni, make music, keep a healthy relationship, AND TOUR
judebellingham mrs*
#Spotify#jude#jude bellingham#bellingham#jb5#la liga#real madrid#england#nessa barrett#taylor swift#jude bellingham x reader#jude bellingham fluff#jude bellingham one shot#jude bellingham smash#smau#fluff#fanfic#jude bellingham x yn#bellingham fluff
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Idk if i'm just crazy but i noticed that there is a pattern with something that Uraraka does, is punctuated immediately after something Katsuki did before to Izuku and vice versa. I feel like this somehow highlights a difference between their intention and meaning for him. Like i'm sure this might be just a big coincidence but still.
well who knows really! The first thing that comes to mind to me is how Ochako helped Deku when he fell at the beginning, by being on the side/ behind him and using her quirk to avoid it, and Katsuki holding him facing each other, running to get to him faster than the rest -including Iida, whose quirk is literally about that!
But also the whole Deku thing; personally, because the author admitted he didnt intent to have Katsuki as a positive part of Izuku's life at first, I believe the reason for these introductions was clear: Bekugou, his childhood friend, opposes him and creates "Deku" as an insult to put him down, and will always mean that to him, while Ochako, a new friend he meets when starting his hero school, changes it creating something new and fresh so Izuku can have a motivation.
Non supporting VS Supporting. Out of his life VS In his life. Old VS New. Hopelessness VS Hope. Static VS Change.
You name it.
But then the author changes his mind, and Katsuki isn't just the rival anymore, and all of the sudden "Deku" has many layers; "Deku" also means the one that does his best alone, isolated and overworked, and even tho apparently this has shifted since the current chapters...
Slight manga spoilers, not too much tho (I guess??):
idk, Izuku still was ready to get up alone and fight if Aizawa didnt stop him to give him the T-shirt and remind him they are there. He was running alone, and others have to go to him (in this case, Iida) in order to help him, because he is still not asking for help at all.
It has been brought up again, the meaning Ochako gave it, and im not 100% sure if this is her remembering, Izuku, or the three of them -probably the last one? Iida seems to understand now what Ochako meant back then, and they see it in a positive light (which was the intention!), but for Izuku doing the best can mean many things. What's the best he can do? Act like All Might was his first answer, but that didn't work. Saving others? He knows heroes should do this, but with how unclear things are I dont know if he is aware the class would support his decision of saving a villain -after all, as far as we know, he doesn't tell anyone because he wants to share it with someone, but because someone else admitted it first.
Uraraka confessed that first, and showed that vulnerability without knowing how he could react [and honestly, it looked in that moment like she was mainly expressing herself outloud], and after that he ended up also sharing a similar feeling he had about villains and saving. What I mean is that he doesn't say shit unless someone else was vulnerable first.
Ochako wasn't going out to talk to anyone about it either, lets get that straight, but when she was asked by one of her best friends she lets herself be at least a little; she saw Izuku meant something "slightly" different than her, so she doesnt tell him how she envied her genuine smile, her freedom to be herself, love who she loves, or how she thought she was actually cute. She knew it was better to not talk about that because he had no interest in that, so she keeps it to herself knowing she will fight to make sure Himiko hears her this whole thing would be a part of the izuku and ochako meta kjfskjflajflksja
This happened too with Katsuki during their second fight; after Katsuki was emotional and falling apart, confessing such intimate and sad emotions with him, that's when Izuku couldn't help himself and ended up also putting his guard down. And still, he held back a crucial part -he didnt say he acts like him without even trying, and even tho everyone would see it as nasty and bad, he can't hate those things, those parts oh himself, because they are parts of Katsuki, his symbol of victory, what he sees as the best form of heroism. Despite Katsuki explaining he's confused and insecure over his main theme -victory-, and worries about it being not only unworthy but also the reason their idol "ended"... He held back.
He lost because of that.
Its interesting the contrast between those two scenes in terms of emotional vulnerability and reactions, before a war ochako and izuku are much calmer and distant than katsuki and izuku after getting back from a successful rescue. In the first case nothing actually changed between them -im not talking about the nature of the relationship but just the general apparent feelings and status. They are friends who share ideals and common interest before and after the talk, and the only one who was more reflective about it was Ochako who prefers to discuss it with Himiko than him -its more about them anyways. Izuku stays the same, as far as we know, because he thinks she also "just"* felt empathy for someone that was sad and alone, and we can't see this affecting him or shifting something between them.
His emotional moments with Katsuki? They do change everything every time -when he said he was going to be a hero, when they start to get closer, after the war "Deku" becoming "izuku", embracing what makes the other great, etc.
*Its a huge deal and really important, im not trying to minimize his motivations or ideas, just point out how their feelings and conflicts are different and similar -at this point we don't see Midoriya admiring Shigaraki in any way thru this whole story. The manga hasn't ended and he is unreliable, so maybe im wrong and he admires qualities about him he learns later on, but right now for me Izuku wants to bring him support because he is a human and nobody should get treated like he was.
Ochako and Katsuki also have different roles in his rescue, with him bringing him back to them and her showing everyone he is a boy that needs help. Izuku was moved by both actions, and thanks to Uraraka he gets to the shelter.
Their fight was also interesting! Ochako was thinking about winning this, yet she tried to follow Izuku's ideas and lost after trying something way too risky for her, because she ended up ignoring her own judgement and limits out of insecurity and admiration; when Katsuki tries to use his strategies in the wars tho, he is able to achieve what he wanted -he saves Izuku from getting stabbed, saves All Might from getting crushed by AFO, before dying he gets to weaken some parts of Shigaraki's body for the rest to use, etc.
Its not that he loses himself, he just tries something new that works for him, and im happy Ochako ended up realizing she needs to keep in mind what she needs and wants when taking inspiration from Midoriya. Even if similar, their feelings for "their" villains are different, and that's okay.
Katsuki now doesnt call him Deku unless he refers to his hero name, and prefers to use his first name while Ochako keeps using Deku-kun when talking to him or says directly his full name like in her talk with Himiko where she explains some parts of her life.
Even if "Deku" comes from "Izuku", the latter is closer, new for them, a little challenging at times, and shows respect, recognition and reaffirms his humanity over his heroism. "Deku-kun" sounds like "you can do it", a supportive name that comes from a misunderstanding from the beginning, and keeps getting used as she hasn't change her perspective about him in that way. He is still Deku-kun to her, but now Izuku to him.
Change VS Static.
Huh, I wonder where that came from.
#bakudeku#bkdk#dekubaku#dkbk#decchan#grrr talking#im not tagging it as spoilers as I believe its pretty vague in comparison to other things#but yk#just keep that in mind#i have no idea how vague it is tho#this is way too long lmao#why am I like this
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#was talking to a friend and she was talking about how she didnt like how disruptive the tutorial of the demo was#since she wanted to look at the pretty environments without the distractions#and this is what popped into my braine#ive had the gumby pokey format in my brain since the demo but i didnt know whod fit the gumby slot#sorry collin.#i personally didnt mind the tutorial (from watching a stream of the whole demo) but i can see how it could be frustrating#:) i like oatchi#edit: for further clarification im not shitting on collin. i just didnt have much other choice. collin im so so sorry.
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as a certified Diagnosed Autist(TM) i cannot stress enough that i am not only pro- self-diagnosis, but also pretty anti- legal medical diagnosis. it is, at best, a cruel hoop we have to jump through so privileged people will deign to give us what we need. don't fucking do that shit unless you have to, it was disgustingly expensive, fucking humiliating, infantilizing, and dehumanizing, and would probably actively cause problems in my life if i didn't have some really good allistic (-passing) people in my corner and also wasn't so fucking disabled that it mostly doesn't matter.
literally get that diagnosis if you need it for job/school accessibility shit or SSI or whatever, and otherwise dont tell the government SHIT about yourself. there is zero good reason for them to want that information. that's between you and the people you want in your life.
#as a side note: this goes for gender too#dont fucking get a special marker on your passport or whatever#trying to get ssi has made me realize how deeply cruel the system is#never reveal any vulnerability you have unless it's absolutely necessary#do not do this stuff for validation the government is not your friend and you should seek emotional fulfillment elsewhere#hm this post turned out a lot angrier than i meant#guess i'm still mad about how awful the process was#it wasnt even long it was just. so *impersonal.*#this woman talked to me for two hours. went down a fairly bigoted checklist.#didnt ask me my own opinion on much of anything. and then declared a bunch of her impressions as if they hold weight just bc shes allistic#like how i have 'identity issues' (am trans and dont want a romantic partner)#and thats just. my permanent record of diagnosis! this two hour conversation with a stranger! she doesnt fucking know me#we paid like $500 for that
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Huntlow situationship gives me such intense brain termites you don't get it
#no i dont think its because Hunter needs time to heal first#i think if it was up to Hunter they would plunge into a committed romantic relationship immediately after the events of the finale#he would propose to her in like. 3 months probably#i know that sounds intense but i think this is what ''i literally died and came back to life'' mania does to a guy#he is so carpe diem minded hes become a little insane. he wants everything#no more waiting around. no more hesitating. he cant afford to do that anymore#would it have been the wise decision to enter a romantic relationship immediately#who's to say. but Hunter would have done it without thinking about it#its Willow that makes the decision to slow down and wait a while before they make any committments theyre not ready for#i dont think she's entirely learned her lesson about letting herself be emotionally reliant every once in a while#shes made progress but the events of ftf were such heat of the moment responses#once things are semi-stable she still needs to adapt to acknowledging that her feelings for Hunter are like. serious. and scarily intense#so like. yea Willow is slamming her pedals on the breaks for both their sakes. shes thinking about how this would effect Hunter too#but also. she scawwed.#when Willow tells him she wants to talk and she's like ''i think we should just be friends'' oh the face he makes is DEVASTATED#he didnt expect it was going in this direction at all. but like. once Willow explains how this is the most reasonable decision for now#he DOES agree. he understands what shes saying and he agrees that it's the best decision to take a breather before they jump into a romance#anyway even when theyre not officially dating the flirting continues insistently. they are very obsessed with each other and cant stop#Willow keeps trying to insist to herself that its just messing around. nothing serious. they find each other hot. its fine to kiss a little#but Hunter makes it very hard when he looks at her with big brown labrador eyes. looks at her like shes the entire world#i think if it was up to Willow they would have been trapped in that uncertain limbo forever. shes too scared to take the plunge#even if she wants to. she badly wants to#but Hunter just wont let that happen. every so often he says ''im ready whenever you are''#he makes his intentions very known. he is not the shy boy from Camila's house anymore#Willow cant just playfully flirt with him without worrying that hes gonna reciprocate. he talks now. he expresses himself#shes a little afraid of that. but she adores it too. he makes her feel safe but also he wont let her stay in this comfort zone#hes giving her the push she needs to pursue this relationship. gives her to push to feel like she can go after what she wants#because god knows HE knows what he wants#they make me so insane
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procrastination is starting to have its consequences finally
#on my friends living room floor they love together but one of them has been london for weeks or maybe months#to be with her love. im on a foam mattress from one of their beds next to a glass bottle of water opened by one of them#in a mug given to me by another. the weather felt like my childhood today and it also felt like 2 years ago.#(put space in the heavens Einstein's idea and hes your friend too so nothing to fear) around the table they drank and laughed and i thought#i hope you keep growing so full with the love you receive . i hope your appetite becomes insatiable from how used to it you are#and i know youre all leaving soon but i hope one day you miss this and that youll be happy you miss it#its worth missing i think#i thought he didnt care but he said after exams hes going walk around this area over and over#(this is near where he lived and where we visited almost daily for a year)#(hed come across the bridge on a lake)#we went where she used to live and at the entrance a fox sat calmly. it just yawned and stared.#it felt important somehow. i think maybe their impressions of me will never be close to how i feel inside but i think#i love them enough for that not to matter. i dont think theyll ever know this. i dont think if they did it would change much.#and seeing them smile makes my heart glow anyway. today i tried their malaysian tea the ginger burned my throat#they warmed my heart. hes going to canada soon and hes going to the US soon and shes going everywhere soon ill never understand#how were supposed to live with memories and with seperation and with the past but we do it anyway so i think it doesnt matter much#i wanted to write a poem for the lab rats with the fibre optic wires lit with blue forcing them to turn around and around#something about how im sorry that the two photon arrays burned the inside of your brain. im sorry about the sharp points of multielectrode#arrayes. im sorry about everything we do to you. she asked to see me tomorrow. im trying to have self control but i miss her so awfully#last night my friend talked to me and i updated on everything that happened with love and the lack of it and she just started laughing#and she told me about the same thing from her side. and she told me about how she loved london because she would walk the streets#and she felt like the people were her. and her eyes would go over the people and the bag of bagels and the construction men they probably#have a kid at home maybe shes a daughter. this kid is crying for her mother and the building you just walked past caused#blisters and pain and people died in it and very likely people were born in it. we talked for hours and i felt like#i was holding her hand just like that time she held mine watching a horror film. i love her so much#my friend is a genius and i remember her picking up the charms of my phone and staring at the leaf hanging from them. shes side stepping to#music drinking dangerous cider and cocktails from a movie and chit chatting with billionaires and undergrads#i love her dearly. his head covered in electrodes. she tells me about a syrian guy shes in love with and she says#what you feel and what i feel is like cocaine. ive tried a lot of fucking cocaine.#she says ive reminded her of what living actually feels like and to never put energy into someone who doesnt see me this way.
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life went forward and the world moved on but I never got over among us (2018)
#but no one:(( will play it:(( with me:((#i miss amogus with my ex best friend and all her friends#she was just like me fr she loved introducing all her friends to each other its another reason i loved her so much#and why i struggled so much when my high school best friend started making friends outside of me who didnt like me#one of them even gave me this long ass lecture on KAVYA YOU DONT NEED TO BE FRIENDS WITH ALL YOUR FRIENDS' FRIENDS YOU KNOW#oh and you cAnt jUst Ask pEoPle tO bE yOuR fRiEnd (jokes on her we're friends now. kind of ive been ghosting her for a while but not the po#Int 💀)#and look i learned that. sort of. but i still struggle with it sometimes#like at least with my best friends i always wanted to know about and be involved with everyone in their lives you know#which ive realized now is not practical#but im still this hopeless romantic who wants to be friends with all my friends friends and all my friends to be friends#even if i barely have the energy for it anymore. i guess losing her drilled that in#also another thing i realized is. its good to keep your friends separate sometimes because if the chain breaks you dont lose a whole system#which wasnt even a point of consideration for me back then because like i said. hopeless romantic. why would we ever fall out#but yeah it was hard having to accept that sometimes the whole world doesnt want to be friends. and people are allowed to dislike each othe#shocking i know#anyway what am i even talking about how did i get here#girlblogging.pdf
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making a collection
making another collection with a threatening aura
#davy back fightbpart 3 letsgo#HOW do the three big guns get wasted on the eating contest... horrible plan.... luffy is fine bc well... but not sanji and zoro like damn.#luffy DOESNT WANNA EAT??? CALL THE NAVY!!!!#what was i saying.... bad idea putting the three beasts there#FRANKY FRANKY FRANKY!!!! they captured the two princesses :(#one sided beef squashed between luffy and foxy. friendship ended with random ex marine guy. now luffy is my best friend#usopp and franky bonding time hell yeah. throw usopp by the head once more pelase#nami with zoros swords just like holding them looks so cool like she should get a few swords too... nami three sword style oda drawing pls#i think this man underestimates nami and luffys power together he doesnt know about shiki#luffy saying he knows its a trap and sorry for being late.... lets go on an adventure all nine of us.... usopp yes anding his lie..... omg#cant believe nami isnt there yet. she could take this guy. oh there she is!!!!! she does look cool with the swords and jumping to get luffy#zoro screaming in agony from luffy getting shot omg THIS FUCKING GUY OF COURSE!!! this looks like its so over#zoro and sanji must feel so useless rn. they didnt even get the chance to fight like damn#komei-kakka??? more like come caca. boom#luffy face down dead on the floor akdjkaa chopper have you tried looking at the wound to see if it harmed him idk#it hit the face akdjskn usopp that was coom also#was robin flirting with the other guy and zoro caught her and she told hum to shut up???#'your friends got the best of me but you are still in my arms an-' 'HEAT EGG!! ALSO YOU'RE ON FIRE!'#flare maneauver that was so slay also luffy and nami in the same frame so twins of them. my children. birthed them one right after the othe#zoro and sanji fighting back to back. back to back to back to you i dont wanna fall right back to us maybe you should run right back to her#that is such a bop song. also post wano zosan. and post wci. see the recurrent theme#fighting in water.... being on top of the sword that was a slay... red hawk ace i will never forget you it seems#foxy liking his jolly roger omg nami fooled him ahdhsjs i think they should have pirate game event every year they yearn for contests#now since this experience foxy should make monthly multitudinary pirate games olympics hoping the strawhats join them a la gatsby#the faces at the mushroom akdhaksjs#talking tag#watching one piece#watching one piece movies#kinda loved how robin betted on franky against usopp.... i will take the crumbs
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So uh. Eventually I'll stop drawing these guys so obsessively but not today I guess.
(DND AU where it's just these two, Brent, and Paul on a life mission to annoy Chris the GM by having the pact of "we're only here for Karen's benefit")
Karen is a warlock, Right is a cleric, Paul is a paladin, and Brent is a bard (so he can use bardic inspiration on Karen).
#my characters#fun fact i was watching a trio of streamers do tier lists and i saw them do a tier list about their streamer friends#and they all voted on how the person would die in dnd and the funniest thing to come out of it imo#was the difference of SELF SACRIFICE and under it FORCIBLY SACRIFICED#like who would take one for the team willingly and who would be disposed of with majority vote#then they added an executed for their crimes spot under that so while they were debating some guy they settled on#he was the one that initiated most of the forcibly sacrificed ideas and that means he was eventually executed for his crimes#which ... was really funny to distinguish#the point is thats karen in this non existent campaign#she is here to mess people up and then use her allies as scape goats and they all just go well that sucks peace out im on the chopping bloc#and chris is getting more and more distressed over the fact YOU GUYS CAN LITERALLY TALK YOUR WAY OUT OF IT#but they really dont talk their way out of it like he wants#they instead are like ok cool so im gonna pretend like i didnt see karen kill that guy#and shes like i mean it was an accident i didnt MEAN to kill THAT guy#which is why they all vote to not see it and not bring it up RIP that guy#i saved this canvas as A WARLOCK AND HER CLERIC#which is honestly fitting#anyway i wanna draw fanart again at some point but my joy is stored in the ocs rn#i dont play dnd i just listen to one person talk to me about dnd and thats enough#oops i fell in love
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hey I just wanted to say that b&g is one of my favorite pieces of undertale art in general. I'm muslim and the way you depict toriel reminds me of my own mother and other older muslim women that I meet a lot. It's very comforting. I don't see a lot of depictions of middleaged muslim women with dignity and respect that often. Of course, I love everything about your au and how you write all the characters, but toriel specifically really hits home for me
aww im really happy to hear that anon thank you :,,---( i remember Toriel originally wasnt supposed to be that big in my B&G world but with other characters getting their own time to shine (Kris and Susie about being teenagers trying to handle their struggles on their own, Undyne in being in her 20s but stuck in the past, etc) Toriel started developing in my mind, and her story is sort of an amalgam of all sorts of mothers and women ive met through babysitting and my own mother (though my mom isnt muslim as im a convert, so its all in just personality) so hearing someone else sees a little of their own mother in her warms me heart :,---] ty again
#i really wanted to tell a story with toriel of how often mothers feel like they have to give away their life for their children#not in that their children are burdens but in how isolating it can become to be a mother especially in the boomer/millenial era#my own mother talked a lot about how she didnt regret having us but she just couldnt pursue things about herself after being a mother#and toriel was going to be about how society and the culture around parenthood is so isolating and demanding#and her divorce from asgore was freeing her up to all these experiences she thought she was never going to have#because even though she lost what she thought was her support she was going to find it in the people around her#like undyne looking after her children and her making new friends in her older age#and her just finding community and realizing she has so much of her life ahead of her#it all just sort of comes back to watching my own mother grow through her divorce and how much it never really affected me#because while my mother Was struggling she was still her own person and not just My Mom or my Dads Wife#and she had a life she wanted to live And children she wanted to care for#boys & girls#fanart
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I don't like DDLC'S MC very much on a very petty level but I still wish there was more fic or meta speculation about him. I'm not interested in him as a character, though, because he's barely a character. Literally by the game's standards, he has no inherent "character file." He is the SCRIPT, if anything. All of his thoughts and actions occur within the little text bubble at the bottom of the screen, and so do the characters'. He barely appears in CGs, has no body sprite, and it is through his observations and his thoughts and his call to make choices that the game progresses.
I think that specific trait of MC is fascinating, especially given how deep reaching Monika's manipulation is. During Act 1 he is active, he is talkative, he has a definitive (and yet inconsistent, based on which girl(s) you're speaking to) personality. He has thoughts about just about everything going on. And yet in Act 2 he is reduced to dust. He stops having any kind of commentary and he almost never remarks upon the horrible occurrences around him unless prompted or unless it is something that could plausibly happen in the realm of reality, like Yuri abandoning him for 10 minutes and Natsuki collapsing on him. But even then he's still significantly muted. Yuri and Natsuki have a horrible fight and the only kind of response he tries to throw out is co-opted by Monika. He witness Yuri declare her love for him and talk about how she would love to pull his skin open and crawl inside of him and the only thing he has to say is "yes" or "no" when she asks if he likes her back. And then he physically cannot move or speak or react because the world is so far gone that Yuri's death has damaged him, the script, so much that all he hears is gibberish coming from her lifeless mouth.
And like... that's neat to me. I like that by the end of Act 2 the script is so off the rails and so far gone from reality that MC can no longer really function as a person, because the script is barely functioning. He stops reacting to anything happening around him and most of the conversations he has are just the girls talking at him. Monika has to literally rewrite the script and force Yuri and Natsuki to say things to further her agenda or keep the scene rolling. MC had a clear and very human response to Sayori's death because it was a plausible but horrible (and not forced) event that could happen naturally. Yuri's death was so jarring and away from the scope of the natural order of his world that MC (and Yuri, by extension) can only sit frozen and broken until Natsuki and Monika show up to force new progress.
Like Monika's effect on the girls has been talked to death and it is an interesting topic but I also think what she unintentionally did to the POV character of the game is also something neat. It really adds to the feeling of the world in DDLC being hollow. The MC is a half-character who can only react in incredibly predictable ways, and when the world stops being predictable, he stops being anything more than a walking camera for Monika to speak into.
#ddlc#this isnt even really a character analysis this is just my vague jumbled thoughts on this guy#ive always found mc interesting even if he irritates me#when i was bored and a middle schooler i used to imagine this self insert of mine in his place#what choices would she make if she knew the ddlc world was a farce? what choices would she make if she didnt?#would she be beholden to the game structure and choices written in the game's script?#could she change anything? how would she feel if she knew the girls in a context where they were her normal friends?#these scenarios were of course some random shit i thought about to make PE less awful#but it made me think of how horrible and strange it would be in mc's position#and subsequently how mc himself kind of never gets the chance to BE in his own position in a way#he is fully beholden to the whims of monika and whatever the girls around him are doing at all times in act 2#even in act 1 his personality and motivations fluctuates constantly depending on which girl u are talking to#mc is the script and the script is mc. he never had a chance to change anything and neither did you#the only way you can do anything in that world is to be a character a .chr a person. and mc is not a person in any meaningful sense#on the topic of 'hey wouldnt it be fucked up to actually experience ddlc as a Thinking Person'#'to your eternity' (anonymous author) on ao3 specifically chapter 1 of it is a cool fic based on that thought#anyways. i know mc mostly just shuts up because it would be lame if every time yuri's eyes bug out he's like 'jeepers creepers!!!'#but i think his dwindling presence makes him an interesting non-character ❤️#doki doki literature club
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one of the most infuriating things that happens in discussions about trans people is like, when a transphobe talks about how its just SOOOO easy to access gender affirming care, it's so easy to get on hrt or get referred for surgery etc... some of you dense motherfuckers respond to this by saying "no!!! it's not easy!!!! its so hard!!!" & listen. i KNOW that it IS HARD for many of us. and in many places it's getting harder. but tell me this: isn't the goal, eventually, to make it easy? not just easier than right now, but genuinely easy for a transgender person to access the care they need on whatever timeline they want, no matter how fast or slow? so if you spend all your time right now combating transphobia by insisting that transition is difficult and taxing and traumatizing, what are you going to do if and when it's none of those things? if there is no endless suffering and million hoops?
when someone says "it's too easy to transition" in order to justify their own transphobia, and you say "no it's not", you're also saying "if it were, your feelings would be justified". which is already kind of a terrible implication without taking into consideration that what most of these people mean by "too easy" is "possible". they mean that you can transition and they don't want you to. point blank. when you say it's difficult, they think "good. it should be harder". it will never be difficult enough to not be easy to them.
i am literally so sick & tired of all of us throwing each other under the bus in order to advocate for a future that is fucking miserable and awful. when someone tells you their nightmare scenario is transgender people being happy, you should not be responding to that by reassuring them that actually, transgender people are miserable and always have been and always will. when someone complains about how easy transition is you should say "good". we are never getting out of this fucking crab bucket if we're not only pulling each other down but also telling other people that pushing us back in would be fine if we were a little closer to the top.
#good idea generator#one thing i vividly remember is like. back when i read discourse blogs for fun (never do this btw this did irreparable damage to my psyche)#i saw an argument between a t*rf who had detransitioned and a trans person#where she was complaining it was too easy for her to transition and he was accusing her of lying about her transition#because he was like 'its not that easy. it cannot be that easy it never is you're lying'#but the thing was she and i had had nearly identical transitions like very similar timelines#the only thing she had that i didnt was parental support from the outset (my parents are cool btw we have long since worked it out. im js)#and it was infuriating to me that the person on my side who was arguing for my community was essentially saying#that i should have had it harder. that it wasnt possible for it to be like that#especially considering i dont think my transition was 'easy'!! certainly 'easier' than some people#but like 'easy' is so subjective and in this context mostly reliant on your own feelings and experiences#and i was not having a very easy time when starting my transition i would say#also her argument was bad in other ways made me furious that he resorted to accusing her of lying#like great now she'll run back to her t*rf friends and theyll all talk about how we live in an echo chamber#we have to stop telling people it's their moral duty to argue with bigots because some of you are terrible at it
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for me, some level of trauma related to being the least-favourite child is directly related to playing videogames and boredom
growing up my younger sister got handed the SNES controller and i didnt. she played with my parents and by herself and i watched but didnt play. sometimes this was because i wasnt allowed and other times i thought it was a choice, even though, my choice was because i didnt know how to play and if i asked my mom would have said "really? you want me to start a whole new save file JUST for you?" and i would have quietly said nevermind, and remembered not to ask ever again
when we got a wii, for my sister's birthday she got 2 wii games. for my birthday i got decorations even though i was too young to understand what a decoration is and i just tried playing with them (emphasis on try). sometimes i would come home from school and my sister would have a random gift (something i never got) - another wii game! because it was on sale at blockbuster, and oh sorry Luna, we didnt get anything for you because they didnt have anything you would like.
by the end of our wii, i had 1 wii game that was mine - i chose whenever i wanted to play it, for how long, and if anyone else wanted to play it they had to ask. that was the rules, because it was mine. my younger sister has 11 wii games.
when i was in middle school, i was not allowed to get a better (real) console. it was too expensive. plus, we have the wii, it works perfectly fine, just play on that. m...my one game? that i've been playing since i was 9? that i've 100%'d 5 times? yes.
when i was in highschool i wasnt allowed to have money, especially not to spend online. "luckily" i met an internet friend who was a hacker and sold what he claimed to be abandoned steam accounts. he gave me one for free. i played stardew valley and oblivion religiously, because my laptop was built in 2010 and could barely handle the lowest graphics settings of a game several years older than it. it ended up getting double-hacked so after a year of using it, i once again had no more videogames
now im an adult and i just... cant play videogames. basically none of them. after abut 30 minutes of playing i get so anxious that i have to stop. i havent played stardew valley in about 2 years, my favourite game of all time that i used to stay up until 8am playing.
the game loads, and im anxious because i forget the controls. i walk up to an npc and get anxious because if i dont pick the perfect dialogue tree, im failing myself by not being perfect, so i'll pause the game and go on my phone for 10 minutes to find the answer (i HATE doing this.) i approach a puzzle and im anxious because what if im not smart enough to solve it and i fail again? i need to check if anyone's in the room with me now because if anyone is watching me play they'll know i'm a failure too so i should stop playing. but, videogames are communal (they must be,) i have only ever experienced playing them with someone else there (watching sibling/parents play, watching youtube letsplays) but if someone else sees me fail i'm the worst person ever. and i mean, realistically, how do you even play a videogame for more than 1 hour? how do focus on 1 thing for that long? sounds fake to me
but... i want to play videogames. i know they're experiences. and i want to have experiences. especially because as a disabled person my only other option is youtube. so if i'm not playing videogames, i'm bored out of my skull laying in bed, doing nothing, staring at my youtube screen watching the exact same video essay for the 6th or 7th time this week because the algorythm's only other choice is "perfect damascus steel knife blade DIY"
other than youtube, what am i supposed to do? i cant play videogames - i'm not perfect at them, i cant focus, and i just dont deserve them. there is nothing else.
#and im not even touching on how this has othered me socially#i had to go to high school and listen to my friends talk about playing soulsborne while i had to go home and play fucking#my sims kingdom for the wii. that was my game. that was the 1 game i had#i didnt even choose it either. or ask for it. or know what it was. my parents bought it because it was in the fucking clearance bin#once again i should emphasize that there was no reason for them to treat me this way at fucking all#i am autistic but i am also like very fucking normal. painfully so#i was especially a very normal child#but in their brains they just see me as the RWord and that's enough justification to not give me things that i need or make me happy#sorry for posting this on this blog i pretty much have 1 friend and she talks to me like once a week lol#personal#not dog#parental trauma#yes im including this as trauma btw i literally cry when faced with the task of playing a video game i literally panic#there's also something to be said about growing up in a hypermisogynistic environment and how living with 1 male and 1 TV#makes me immediately give up videogame powers to him. like. why am i playing the tv im a girl he's in charge He should be playing videogame#big shout out to the 0 people who will read this entire post why tf am i posting this oh riiighhht i have no friends. ok tumblr post now
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