#this year i am prioritising myself over anything and i have no mental space or energy for toxic friends who dont leave me feeling uplifted | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

puddygeeks · 3 years

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𝑾𝒂𝒓 𝑶𝒇 𝑯𝒆𝒂𝒓𝒕𝒔 - 𝑪𝒓𝒊𝒎𝒊𝒏𝒂𝒍 𝑴𝒊𝒏𝒅𝒔, 𝑺𝒑𝒆𝒏𝒄𝒆𝒓 𝑹𝒆𝒊𝒅 𝒙 𝑶𝑪 - 𝑪𝒉𝒂𝒑𝒕𝒆𝒓 9: 𝑪𝒓𝒐𝒔𝒔𝒓𝒐𝒂𝒅𝒔

Masterlist

Rating: Mature

Summary: 𝐴𝑙𝑖𝑐𝑒 𝑛𝑒𝑣𝑒𝑟 𝑖𝑚𝑎𝑔𝑖𝑛𝑒𝑑 ℎ𝑒𝑟𝑠𝑒𝑙𝑓 𝑤𝑜𝑟𝑘𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑖𝑛 𝑖𝑛𝑡𝑒𝑙𝑙𝑖𝑔𝑒𝑛𝑐𝑒, 𝑏𝑢𝑡 ℎ𝑒𝑟 𝑑𝑒𝑠𝑖𝑟𝑒 𝑡𝑜 ℎ𝑒𝑙𝑝 𝑜𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑟𝑠 𝑟𝑒𝑠𝑢𝑙𝑡𝑒𝑑 𝑖𝑛 𝑡𝑟𝑜𝑢𝑏𝑙𝑒 𝑡ℎ𝑎𝑡 𝑙𝑒𝑓𝑡 ℎ𝑒𝑟 𝑤𝑖𝑡ℎ 𝑙𝑖𝑡𝑡𝑙𝑒 𝑜𝑝𝑡𝑖𝑜𝑛𝑠. 𝑊𝑖𝑡ℎ 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑠𝑢𝑝𝑝𝑜𝑟𝑡 𝑜𝑓 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝐵𝐴𝑈 𝑓𝑎𝑚𝑖𝑙𝑦, 𝑚𝑎𝑦𝑏𝑒 𝑠ℎ𝑒 𝑐𝑎𝑛 𝑓𝑖𝑛𝑎𝑙𝑙𝑦 𝑏𝑒𝑔𝑖𝑛 𝑡𝑜 ℎ𝑒𝑎𝑙 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑤𝑜𝑢𝑛𝑑𝑠 𝑜𝑓 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑝𝑎𝑠𝑡.

Fandom: Criminal Minds

Pairing: Spencer Reid x OC

Status: Ongoing

LONG TERM ONGOING PROJECT :)

My writing is entirely fuelled by coffee! If you enjoy my work, feel free to donate toward my caffeine dependency: will work for coffee

𝑾𝒂𝒓𝒏𝒊𝒏𝒈𝒔: 𝐺𝑒𝑛𝑒𝑟𝑎𝑙𝑙𝑦 𝑎𝑑𝑢𝑙𝑡 𝑐𝑜𝑛𝑡𝑒𝑛𝑡, 𝑤𝑖𝑡ℎ 𝑠𝑜𝑚𝑒 𝑡𝑟𝑖𝑔𝑔𝑒𝑟𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑚𝑒𝑠 𝑎𝑠 𝑤𝑖𝑡ℎ 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑠ℎ𝑜𝑤. 𝑃𝑙𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑒 𝑏𝑒 𝑎𝑤𝑎𝑟𝑒 𝑡ℎ𝑖𝑠 𝑑𝑜𝑒𝑠 𝑚𝑒𝑎𝑛 𝑐𝑜𝑣𝑒𝑟𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑐𝑎𝑠𝑒𝑠 𝑜𝑓 𝑚𝑢𝑟𝑑𝑒𝑟, 𝑐ℎ𝑖𝑙𝑑 𝑎𝑏𝑑𝑢𝑐𝑡𝑖𝑜𝑛 & 𝑠𝑒𝑥𝑢𝑎𝑙 𝑎𝑏𝑢𝑠𝑒 𝑎𝑠 𝑡ℎ𝑖𝑠 𝑖𝑠 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑛𝑎𝑡𝑢𝑟𝑒 𝑜𝑓 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝐵𝐴𝑈'𝑠 𝑤𝑜𝑟𝑘. 𝐼𝑡 𝑖𝑠 𝑚𝑦 𝑖𝑛𝑡𝑒𝑛𝑡𝑖𝑜𝑛 𝑡𝑜 ℎ𝑎𝑛𝑑𝑙𝑒 𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑠𝑒 𝑖𝑠𝑠𝑢𝑒𝑠 𝑎𝑠 𝑐𝑎𝑟𝑒𝑓𝑢𝑙𝑙𝑦 𝑎𝑠 𝑝𝑜𝑠𝑠𝑖𝑏𝑙𝑒, 𝑏𝑢𝑡 𝑖𝑓 𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑟𝑒 𝑖𝑠 𝑎𝑛𝑦𝑡ℎ𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑡ℎ𝑎𝑡 𝑦𝑜𝑢 𝑓𝑒𝑒𝑙 𝑐𝑜𝑢𝑙𝑑 𝑏𝑒 𝑖𝑚𝑝𝑟𝑜𝑣𝑒𝑑 𝑤𝑖𝑡ℎ ℎ𝑜𝑤 𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑠𝑒 𝑎𝑟𝑒 𝑚𝑎𝑛𝑎𝑔𝑒𝑑, 𝑝𝑙𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑒 𝑙𝑒𝑡 𝑚𝑒 𝑘𝑛𝑜𝑤.

Eᴘɪsᴏᴅᴇ: Pʀᴇ Sᴇᴀsᴏɴ 1

Chapter Nine

My office felt colder than usual when I returned from my trip, but I suspected that it was mostly due to the lack of the warm BAU team’s presence. It was difficult for me to concentrate on anything whilst Hotch’s offer repeated in my mind and I found myself mentally making a pros and cons list as I worked. There were so many factors to consider. In order to avoid any external influence I was careful to ensure that I made the decision alone, hesitating from discussing it with anyone after Ricky.

Following my brief break away from Interpol, it seemed as if I was even more swamped with work than when I left. It wasn’t long before I was feeling the stress of being spread too thinly between numerous teams. Requests for assistance from each of them mounted up around me and it became a struggle to suitably prioritise them.

As I busied myself with organising a list, a new task flashed up on my screen that made my blood chill. Etienne Vidal had submitted a request for my individual support with researching a suspect list, insisting in the notes that having my undivided attention would have a substantial benefit to this case.

Much to my disdain, I knew that it was only a matter of time before Shepard approved this with the perspective of improving our working relationship. I pushed my hair out of my face to massage my temples. Mentally, I was attempting to convince myself that I could manage another encounter with Vidal.

Before I’d even realised what I was doing, I found myself striding out of my office clutching a few files to my chest and decided to take myself to get a cup of herbal tea from a nearby café.

I felt immediately clearer the moment that I stepped out of the Interpol headquarters. The fresh air flowed through my loose hair, rejuvenating my worn down spirit. The tightly packed streets of Lyon were a welcome sight and I was thankful to at least be blessed with living in such a beautiful, historical city.

Opening up the files to flick through the information inside as I walked, I hoped that my picturesque surroundings might give me a fresh perspective. Even once I had settled within the charming café, I lingered for a while as I waited to feel ready to return to my desk.

Eventually, I mustered up the courage to begin strolling back in the direction of the office. I had decided not to overstay my welcome, leaving with my lovingly made hot drink in a takeaway cup and lost myself in documents to distract from the rising feeling of anxiety in my chest. I was completely enthralled in the files as I walked the halls of the building on autopilot, causing me not to notice the voice calling my name in a thick French accent until it was too late.

“My, my, Alice. I hope that you’re not trying to avoid me.”

The absence of formalities caused my stomach to lurch with recognition and I paused on the spot in horror as Vidal blocked my path. When I finally pulled my nose from the papers, I realised that I had been unfortunate enough to be caught in one of the least used hallways in the office.

The only rooms here were disused offices which had been utilised as storage for cold cases, decreasing it’s foot traffic to practically nothing. I had grown accustomed to taking this longer route back to my own space in order to avoid the rest of my team. However, today this plan had backfired, instead meaning that we would be highly unlikely to be interrupted.

“Oh. my apologies, Vidal. I was lost in work.” I answered with a forced smile,

Unwilling to engage in any further conversation I moved to pass him, but he immediately shifted himself to block me from leaving.

“You are so dedicated, ma poupée. It is admirable, but certainly too much for you.” He drawled, making no effort to hide the way that his gaze explored my entire body and his smile afterward made my skin crawl.

“I fear that you may have missed my request on your break, but Shepard has agreed for me to borrow your skills. It will allow you to relax for a while with only one case, and with me.” He explained confidently.

Even with all of the experience of his arrogance, I remained shocked by how genuinely he seemed to believe that he was doing me a favour by trapping me into working alongside him.

“Ah, I hadn’t seen it yet.” I admitted, attempting to contain my disappointment at this revelation so that I didn’t anger him. “Let me just finish the task that I’m on and I’ll find you when I’m done.” I instructed as I strained to keep the nerves from my smile, but it was obvious that he had no intention of allowing me to move yet.

“Come on, Alice. You don’t need to pretend to worry about the others. I should be your only priority.” He insisted, stepping closer to me again and in my efforts to regain some personal space, I ended up trapped between him and the wall. “I know that you have been spending more time with your FBI team recently, but you wouldn’t ever forget about me, would you ma chérie?” He asked, his voice slipping lower whilst his expression grew painfully serious.

Out of an overpowering feeling of intimidation, I shook my head vigorously in response. Vidal only seemed encouraged by his effect on me, smirking arrogantly as his face neared mine and I felt my hands begin to shake with nerves. I prayed for anyone to notice us, as I felt too paralysed with fear to do anything to stop him, but the hallway remained silently empty.

“Well, I do worry. You seem to be working with them more and more frequently. I would imagine that you’re getting to know each other very well. You were rudely defensive of that one young man during our consultation call.” He suggested, thinning his eyes at me suspiciously.

The reminder of my outburst in front of the BAU team caused me to cringe. His words were alarmingly accusatory and I couldn’t deny the feeling that he saw himself as entitled to the details of my life, specifically my love life.

A loud sound caused me to whimper as he pounded his hand against the wall behind me to frighten me, shifting to lean his weight on the surface so that he could confine me in position beneath him.

“There wouldn’t be anything going on between you and this Dr Reid that I should know about. Would there, Alice?” He questioned, the subtlety of his temper failing to escape my notice and I could hardly breathe from the intensity of his stare. “You know how I detest dishonesty.”

“No.” I whispered hurriedly, my voice shaking from stress as any sense of control rapidly dissolved into anxiety.

From my years of study I understood the effect that past trauma had on our natural fight or flight instincts, but experiencing it first hand gave me a level of insight that was frankly horrifying. I willed myself to confront him, to strike him out of my space with the power that my aunt had always encouraged me to own, or even to simply run away, but I had no control against my natural reaction, which was to freeze.

“That’s a good girl.” He breathed, a wicked smile filling his lips as he revelled in my obedience. Much to my terror, he leaned his face suffocatingly close to me and I felt like a caged animal under his gaze. “I don’t know what I would do if you betrayed me like that. You’re too special to belong to anyone else.” He soothed, so deep in his delusion that he was flattering me that it made him completely oblivious to my disgust.

My entire stomach felt as if it might literally drop out of my body as he reached out to push my hair behind my ear, his hand lingering against my cheek nauseatingly. He bit his lip in a way that he must have believed to be seductive and I realised with a new level of panic that he was inching closer, as if he intended to kiss me. My mind spun with a million thoughts as I urged myself to escape, but I couldn’t break out of the survival instinct that held me in place.

“Vidal! I’ve been looking for you everywhere.”

Someone called out at the last possible moment before his lips touched mine and my breath caught in my throat. He seemed incredibly aggravated by the intrusion, taking a moment to compose himself before he finally stepped out of my space. His posture was still as he turned around to address the source of the voice.

“Prentiss. My apologies. I’m afraid that I am rather caught up with assisting Alice at the moment.” He drawled with a polite smile, clearly not even slightly flustered by being caught in the act.

The absolute control in his demeanour was especially chilling. It was an ability that I had seen frequently in the types of people that I assisted in catching for a living, allowing me to understand precisely how dangerous he was capable of being. I could barely think straight as I stared over at Emily who was standing at the far end of the hall.

“Yes. I can see that.” She answered curtly.

It was clear that she had no intention of allowing him to brush this encounter off as she strolled closer to get a better view of the situation. I jumped as I felt one of Vidal’s hands squeeze my arm painfully tight, silently warning me to play along with his ruse.

“Can this wait until later, Madame?” He enquired, the air of calm that he had previously possessed already slipping as he spoke and whilst his gaze was distracted by her, I risked meeting her eyes to communicate a desperate plea for her help.

“No. Actually, it can’t.” Emily insisted, maintaining an authoritative tone as she thinned her eyes at him and I could have burst from the relief of confirming that she had noticed my distress.

“You have an urgent call waiting and I’m afraid that I need Agent Hawthorne’s assistance for myself.” She added, turning her attention to me with concern that was subtle enough to escape Vidal’s notice.

Without any concern for him noticing her actions, she ushered me to come to her. I wasted no time in removing myself from his grip, rushing over to meet her with my eyes glued to the floor nervously. Even so, I could feel her fixing him with a stern glare, before she fell into step with me.

We walked in silence with her positioned at my side in a manner that would prevent anyone else from reaching me and she remained this way every single step back to my office.

As I stepped inside, she hesitated in the doorway to give me the chance to regain some personal space. Whilst I did this she continued to protect me, aligning herself so that entry to the room would be impossible for anyone else.

“I actually don’t have anything that I need you for. I just wanted to make sure that you’re okay. If there’s anything that I could do to-“

“I’m fine.” I answered abruptly, keen for this situation to be over as quickly as possible and Emily studied me sympathetically. “Thank you for checking on me, but I can handle it from here.” I added, subtly reassuring her that I would take action to protect myself if it was needed.

“I know that you can. If you change your mind, my phone is always on me.” She suggested with a caring smile.

After a few moments of silence, she reluctantly left the room. The moment that she departed, I closed the door behind her and moved furniture in front of it to prevent it from being easily opened again.

Tears of shock rolled down my cheeks as I felt my entire body shaking and I had to wrap my arms around myself to calm my anxiety. It was a method that I had been taught to use in triggering situations, but even knowing that I was barricaded in this room, I couldn’t convince myself to feel safe.

In the depths of my despair, I became aware of the only logical next step for my life. I opened my emails and began drafting a letter of acceptance to Hotch that ended with a simple question.

When can I start?

--⥈--

Emerging from my flight at the Virginia airport felt completely different this time. Despite getting to know it well from the numerous recent visits that I’d made over the past six weeks to get things organised, I was still excited to see it again. It was surreal to inform security that I was actually emigrating instead of visiting and I strolled out into the bright open space of arrivals with a sense of wonder.

Everything felt larger and grander, as if being seen through new eyes. I suspected that viewing it as a new start had a significant effect on my perception. There was even a relaxing scent in the air, something that lured me toward the exit with a feeling of hope and it was as if the strain of the past was melting away with every step that I took.

I could hardly believe my eyes when I noticed that instead of just Penelope waiting for me as we’d agreed, there was an embarrassingly large welcome sign covered in glitter, pom poms and complete with tiny flashing lights. It was being waved by her, Morgan, JJ and a bashful looking Spencer.

“Penelope! You are the absolute worst at no fuss!” I groaned as I reached her and she threw the part of the banner that she had been holding at Morgan so that she could embrace me tightly.

“I don’t care! I wanted to make sure that your new life here starts on the right foot.” She excused as she squeezed the life out of me and the others busied themselves with packing away the banner as I blushed furiously at them over her shoulder. “I can’t believe the day is finally here. I’m so excited! Oh, guys, we almost forgot.” She enthused as she released me to turn back to the group and I glanced nervously at them as she made some insistent gestures.

“Welcome to America!”

The other three were completely out of sync in their half hearted cheer, with Penelope contributing the loudest and most dramatic voice, whilst I smiled at them with burning cheeks.

“You’re all very sweet. Thank you.” I muttered gratefully, wishing that Penelope had at least given me enough of a heads up to wear something less tattered than my moving clothes, which weren’t what I would have chosen for spending time in anyone else’s company than hers.

Thanks to all of my planning visits, which allowed me to leave cases in storage at Ricky’s new place, combined with the fact that he had graciously accepted the boxes of possessions that I shipped to him in advance, I had hardly anything with me. There was no clothing in my flight bag, leaving me with only the white, off the shoulder blouse and ripped denim shorts that I was wearing and the few personal items that I’d needed to take care of myself for the last couple of weeks in France.

Penelope looped her arm through mine as we all moved toward the exit and I had the sensation that the surprises weren’t over just yet.

“So, we’ll start by collecting your stuff and then help you to get settled at the new place.” She announced, already wrapped up in the joy of the day, oblivious to how questioning my gaze was.

“When you say we, you still mean the two of us as we planned, right?” I enquired suspiciously, but the way that she chewed her lip as she considered how to explain herself gave her away.

“Please tell me that she hasn’t already roped all of you into this? I’m sure you have better ways to spend your days off than carrying my stuff around.” I gasped, glancing between the three other members of our group in horror, only to be met with amused smiles at my outrage.

“You got a moving truck booked?” Morgan interrogated, crossing his arms at me as if he was already prepared for my protests, but I could only shake my head cluelessly. “Well, it just so happens that I have one on loan from a friend for the day. You already know that I’m not about to let my baby girl spend her day doing a hundred trips in the car, when I can get this done in one. Just let it go, Poppins.” He asserted, glancing over at Penelope with a conspiratorial smile and I looked to JJ and Spencer in a silent plea for help.

“What kind of team would allow their newest member to struggle?” JJ asked, her kind nature seeping into her words. “You’ve got enough to worry about with a move this big. Let us help you to do this at least.” She added, smiling at me warmly and Spencer cleared his throat to gain my attention.

“You’d also be wrong in the assumption that we have anything better to do.” He shrugged comically, causing Morgan to frown at him in blatant disapproval.

“Hey. Speak for yourself, kid!” He remarked, knocking Spencer’s arm slightly in the kind of manner that an older brother would to annoy their younger sibling. “I see you people enough at work. I definitely have other things to do than follow you around on my weekends, too. I’m just here to help out a friend.”

“Wait. Does that include me?” Penelope stopped in her tracks, causing a collision amongst all of us as she faced down Morgan with a heavy expression of offence.

“You already know that it doesn’t, Sweetness. I can never see enough of you.” He crooned, earning a pleased smile from her before he turned back to me. “So, where’s our first stop, new girl?”

“Well, my cousin is working today, but he’s arranged for his housemate to let me in to collect my things. Here’s the address.”

--⥈--

“Ally. Please tell me that’s not a ladder up to your bed?” Penelope questioned with a blatant disbelief and I chuckled as I followed her into my new studio, carrying a case full of clothing up the stairs.

“I thought you’d like that. It’s quirky.” I remarked as I dragged the case inside behind her, catching her glancing around at my home.

The place was remarkably small, almost feeling full with just the two of us inside. I had to shift awkwardly as I tried to get past her. This had been the main reason for my reluctance about the team assisting us with the move, as I knew that we would be likely to be tripping over each other, rather than benefiting from their help. Judging from Penelope’s reaction, I was already dreading the others coming up from the van.

“It certainly is. It’s just so small.” She commented, looking over at me with concern and I shrugged in response. “I know that you’ll be the only one living here, but I’m worried that you’ll get claustrophobic. I mean, this place is like a bunk bed that grew up to identify as a studio.” She clarified, wanting to ensure that she wasn’t coming across as judgmental, but she didn’t need to worry as I chuckled in agreement.

“You could always stay with me until you find somewhere. I’ll even help you look for a place. It’ll be like a constant sleepover party!” She added enthusiastically, already seeming to get lost in the excitement of this concept.

“As much fun as that sounds, you don’t need to worry. It’s only temporary.” I admitted, causing her to furrow her brows in concern. It was obvious that she was worrying I had some secret plans to leave her again soon.

“I don’t have a long term contract for this place. Ricky recommended the owner as someone that he usually rents holiday homes like this from. I’ve got this place until the end of the month to give me a chance to get to know the area better, figure out what kind of place I’m really looking for.” I presented my plan, allowing Penelope to drop her shoulders in relief.

It was difficult to differentiate whether she was more appreciative of the revelation that I wouldn’t be leaving her, or that I wasn’t planning to live here for long. Either way, my explanation seemed to have put her mind at ease.

“Well, that’s a good thing. Because this place is not up to standard for a proper tenancy.” Morgan announced as he carried the heaviest box inside and though I scurried to get out of his way, Penelope seemed quite content to allow him to squeeze past her. “I’m gonna give your locks a proper check before I leave. They’re looking a little too old for my liking.” He added as he dropped the box, turning to examine the door with a sceptical expression, even from across the room.

“Hey. As the person with the most experience busting them open, I’ll trust your opinion on locks.” I teased, earning a cheeky smile before Morgan headed back out to grab some more stuff, taking Penelope with him.

After their comments, I took another look at the place and couldn’t understand their concern. It was already substantially nicer than the miserable flat that I’d rented in France, even if it was smaller. Sure, it was a tight squeeze to navigate, but it had all of the essentials. Unfortunately, most of them were contained within the same four walls, but I just thought of it as cosy.

The kitchen was simply a couple of cupboards along the side of the room where the dimensions more closely resembled those of a hallway than a living space. There was a sofa pushed up against the end of the cabinets to almost create a lounge and above it was a platform with a mattress which I felt gave the whole place a treehouse vibe. Lastly, there was a separate small bathroom and some stairs at the back of the studio that led to a rooftop that could almost be described as a balcony. It certainly wasn’t glamorous by any stretch of the imagination, but it would give me a place to stay.

JJ entered the room struggling with a large box and I rushed over to take it from her before she hurt herself.

“This has got to be the third box labelled books so far, Alice. I’m seriously getting worried about you.” She chuckled playfully, looking around the place with interest during the time that I found a surface to dump the box. “Seriously. How many books do you need?” She asked with a warm sparkle in her eyes and before I could think of an excuse for my addiction, Spencer made his way inside.

“Comparatively, Alice's collection isn’t especially unreasonable. In the middle ages, the purchasing of multiple books was considered to be a hobby that was suitable exclusively for wealthy individuals.” He launched into defending me without a second thought and I was glad to have his support to push aside the embarrassment that I was feeling. “In the present day, the largest collection of books belongs to the Library of Congress, which houses more than 170 million items.”

“Wow. The dream.” I breathed, for a moment losing myself in the fantasy of being able to own a library of my own, until I was distracted by JJ looking between Spencer and I with a suspicious smile, leaving us to geek out without having to pretend that she was interested. “I’m sure that still wouldn’t keep you busy for long, though.” I teased as I turned to face Spencer and he smiled shyly at me.

“Will you be alright here?” He asked as he began to assess the space.

I had to admit that his concern had caught me off guard. The others were often open with their emotions, but Spencer was quieter, almost as if he was still deciding whether he could be himself around me. Although I hoped that in time he would relax, I had no intention of pushing him. For now, I was simply pleasantly surprised to find that he was just as protective of me as the rest of the team.

“Oh, sure. It’s kinda bare right now, but once I get some books on display and add a bunch of plants, it’ll be great.” I defended, hoping that he wouldn’t sense the nerves that I still held for this move. “Maybe I’ll even get some fairy lights for the edge of that loft bit.” I added thoughtfully as I pointed toward my bed, causing him to peek over at me with confusion, but before I could question it Morgan charged back inside the apartment with a heavy case containing a large majority of my clothing.

“She means string lights, pretty boy. It’s a Britishism.” He explained, causing Spencer to smile at me as if endeared by the idea and I shrugged, unaware that this was a term that was uncommon here. “That’s everything from the van. I don’t think we’re all gonna fit in your place, so how about grabbing some lunch out? I know a joint nearby.”

“Sure. My treat for all your help.” I offered as Spencer and I began to make our way to the door, only for Morgan to snatch my keys from my hand to test the locks protectively.

Once he was satisfied that the apartment was safe, we regrouped with the others and followed his lead to a small bar a couple of blocks away. Even in the distance, it was clear that it was a lively venue. On closer examination, I noticed a couple of decorative choices that indicated that it was probably a sports bar.

Everyone chatted happily as Morgan arranged a table outside in the sun, seeming as if he knew the owners and we took our seats whilst he caught up with them. The waiter provided us with menus whilst gesturing to Morgan, who joined us with a bright smile.

“Now. I know that you’re used to all of your food being boiled and beige, but you’re not living in the war anymore. It’s time to get modern. This here is some real American food that’s gonna blow your mind.” He announced, flashing me a cheeky wink but I simply rolled my eyes at him.

“Ah, yes. I’m in America now, the land of heart attack burgers and copious amounts of salt on absolutely everything. I’ll need bigger clothes in no time.” I retorted, causing laughter to pass around the table and Morgan shook his head at me.

“Alright. You just reserve your judgement for now. You’re gonna eat your words.” He argued, throwing a menu at me insistently.

Flipping through the pages of the menu, I was overwhelmed by choices. Though I’d experienced a few months of living in the States as a teenager and had actually spent the first four years of my life here, I considered myself proudly British at heart. I knew that the lifestyle was going to be the hardest adaptation for me to make.

With little other options that felt familiar, I ordered a grilled sandwich with fries and an ice tea, with Morgan raising a brow at me judgmentally for somehow slipping tea into my meal.

“So, Alice. Do you know anyone here other than us?” JJ asked, moving the conversation away from the British vs American war that Morgan and I had begun. “I heard that you’ve got family in the area?”

“Well, I’ve got Ricky, as you know. He is starting his second year at the University of Virginia, so he’s really local. Then I have two aunts in Florida and my grandma in New York. Plus, my dad who is on the West Coast somewhere, I think?” I listed openly, realising as I got to the end that I wasn't exactly sure where my flaky father was living at the moment.

“You’re not in touch with your dad?” Morgan investigated, studying me with an obvious curiosity and I shuffled awkwardly in my seat.

“Is it that obvious?” I chuckled under my breath, attempting to make light of it and I noticed Penelope out of the corner of my eye gesturing at him to drop his line of questioning. “He has a habit of moving from one fancy apartment to another in various superficial cities along the coast. He’s still out there chasing his Hugh Hefner, playboy dream.” I clarified, attempting not to cause them all to feel that I was shutting them out from the details of my life so soon, but Penelope dove in to change the topic.

“I actually made you something to help you to get situated.” She announced, dropping a large binder onto the table that caused me to stare back at her in confusion. “This bad boy has all of the details for local laundromats, gyms, take outs and everything else that you could possibly need, all based on our personal recommendations. I know that it can be hard to get into the swing of things in a new place, let alone a new country, so hopefully this makes that process a little less daunting for you.” She smiled and as I scanned the faces of the team around the table, I could tell that they had each contributed to this.

“That is so considerate!” I breathed, taking a quick flick through the pages with amazement and it was easy to tell how much work had gone into creating it. “Thank you so much. I honestly can’t even tell you how much this is going to help.”

“We’re here for you, Alice. We’re a team.” Spencer emphasised, meeting my eyes with a kind smile and my heart felt full at the sight of it.

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faithwhisper · 3 years

Text

4/03/21

It's been almost half year or so since I have been practicing this mantra I learned to keep me persevere while also not strangling my mental health. Doing anything is better than doing nothing. Till now it has not failed me and I just want to share it here. I have a very meticulous personality. I used to make check-lists about everything whether it's my studying pattern, my daily schedule or how I see myself in next five/ten years. There's a list about everything. And they are not that much of a problem except that I used to keep thinking about them. In my head, there was always atleast one checklist going on and I would constantly find myself ticking off stuff. It was overtaking my life. I would checking out stuff in my head while on bed finding it harder to sleep. I would be doing the same while in a conversation. I was getting more and more frustrated and no later I realised that there was a problem. I consulted a psychiatrist since I thought I had most probably anxiety issues or something like that. Instead, he told me I had a personality type- obsessive compulsive personality trait also otherwise known as anankastic personality.

You know how they tell you not to let your mental health condition define you. Well, I don't get it. It's my personality. It's a huge part of who I am. How can it not define me? Ofcourse I understand there's more to the definition but this is a major constituent as well.

That was probably the time I started prioritising my mental and physical health above everything. Above my ambitions, the relationships around me, almost everything else. Slowly I started unraveling things about me I didn't notice before and slowly I started learning ways to overall boost my health. It's been a very slow journey and it's long from being over. I still get all anxious over my checklists. Some nights I still lie awake on bed trying hard to sleep but my mind just keeps repeating stuff to me. Infact, I have been quite a mess since past few days. And maybe that's why I am writing this. Maybe it's the tolerance to the mantra or the things are just worse enough to not be handled by a single sentence or maybe it's something else. It's hard to hold on to it but I still do.

Doing anything is better than doing nothing.

Be Slow and steady.

Just give some time. Things will untangle. Give yourself some space. You'll figure it out.

Just keep going slowly.

And just like that, I keep crawling through days.... through life. I have accepted my energy levels, their quick depletion, sudden anxiety and almost everything that's in the package. Slowly I am embracing who I am and working my way through life based on that. Not everybody is made same. The situation in which you thrive, I might not even survive. So it's probably the best thing I have learned about myself that I don't thrive in stress and pressure, I thrive when nurtured. I thrive in slow pace. I don't like to run ( in any context) at all. So maybe, just try to understand what works for you cause it might not necessarily be something that worked for somebody else, no matter how much they preach it, no matter how many people seem to have followed it.

To be honest, I know mine is not some clinical definition mental illness. There are people out there having worse than me and I don't claim to know how it feels cause everybody's experience is different. We all have different pair of shoes and I might not fit into yours and you not into mine. But I know how it feels when your shoe bites. So how about you take them off for a while and rest.

P.S- to everyone out there, I am proud of you to survive everyday ❤️

-dkg

#daily diary #day9 #feelings #spilled thoughts #its okay to not be okay #mental health #spotify

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pocketwhistle · 4 years

Text

The peculiar thing about growth

All living things goes through the cycle of birth, growth and death. Physical growth takes effect the moment we start breathing. With the element of time in place, growth is a natural process over the course of our lives. Yet, how growth looks like is seldom discussed and often assumed.

As much as you might disagree, we often associate growth with what the society defines as progress. When we were young, growth looks like an improvement in our academic performances. As we gradually become young adults, growth can be attributed to budding success at our new workplace and/or having a suitable life partner whom we can start a wholesome family with. In general, growth resembles moving from one less desirable stage to a supposedly better place.

What I find interesting is the fact that most people I have spoken with often has a different understanding and perspective on how growth looks like for them. Yet, many times we all assume that true growth is only categorised only if it looks a certain way.

What I observed is that growth is not a linear process, it is a combination of many twists and turns. Hence, it is imperative to discuss failure. Failure might be seen as a roadblock, and not align with our ideal trajectory that we have planned for ourselves. Traders and long-term investors would know that a short-term crash on the charts when the bears come rushing in to take profits will often be a temporal blip in the grand scheme of things. The key lies in the timeframe we used when we view the particular event - it makes a world of difference when we view the charts using a 1 year timeframe v.s. a 1 day timeframe. What if we could do the same when we view our own journey? The purpose of “zooming out” on our lives is never to downplay the effects our present failures have on us. Rather, it trains our minds to acknowledge that our present moment matters less than we thought it would be. There is a thin line to draw between embracing and sitting in with our negative feelings derived from failures and allowing those feelings to define how we think and act in the future.

That being said, I have asked myself two key questions in hopes to gain some personal clarity:

1) What do I define as growth (spiritually, mentally, emotionally), and how does it look like to me?

I have come to realise for myself that my definition on growth evolves constantly as I grow. In the midst of every occurrence in life, we will come across opportunities to learn from, and sometimes those opportunities were either bypassed or ignored due to whatever reasons we give rendering them futile as no fruits could be borne when nothing has taken root.

Yet in the midst of these times of supposed fruitlessness, I do see a glimpse of hope. Introspection is an underrated strength. Through the lenses of self-reflection, awareness of one’s tendencies are heightened. I saw my inabilities and weaknesses through these tender moments of uncovering my pride.

For now, I think true growth to me starts from the vulnerability to be genuine and raw regardless of the place I am in. The increasing ability to acknowledge that I am not okay and embracing that state indicates the level of self-acceptance I have. By no means should growth resembles what others or the society sees on the surface, as the view of the external almost always underestimate the multiple layers underneath where the treasure often lies. When I am honest with myself, it unlocks a mental prison of inadequacy that I was once in - For it was never about having inadequacy but my inaccuracy in the judgment I held against myself. I am free to start at the pace I am comfortable with, instead of being forced to journey at a speed that I am not trained for.

There’s a quote by Aristotle that goes: “The more you know, the more you know that you don’t know.” And he makes a lot of sense indeed. Remember the familiar feeling of not knowing what I do not know at the very beginning of learning a new subject or new skill? I believe that is often due to the severe lack of knowledge of what is available. The more we grow, the more we think we need to grow - and this process will be for a lifetime.

Hence, what true growth looks like to me is a never-ending journey of intentional stewardship that comes from a place of humility and not pride. Stewardship is defined as: “the careful and responsible management of something entrusted to one's care.” We are all given strengths and gifts that are unique from others, and that means everyone has something to offer and contribute to this world. It is not to lord over others, thinking that we are better than everyone else. Rather, it comes from a place where we acknowledge that our strengths are not to be kept within but to be multiplied by adding value beyond ourselves. Stewardship embodies the principle of sowing and reaping, that as we are responsible and seek to always improve our knowledge and skills related to our strengths, we reap the fruits of not only individual progress but a sphere of influence beyond what we can imagine.

To conclude, true growth starts from vulnerability, and the process of achieving it is to be responsible in nurturing whatever strengths we have. I will not be surprised that growth looks extremely different between two individuals. Some people’s process might look more conventional, and others might not. It is never wise to compare based on what society defines as good.

2) What do I defined as failure/setbacks and what is my current outlook on them?

One wise mentor of mine shared that failures should never be seen as failures, but feedbacks. A growth mindset sees setbacks as an opportunity to learn what works and what doesn’t, it challenges us to see beyond ourselves.

When I graduated from university, my goal then was to fulfil my scholarship bond of 4 years. I was filled with excitement as I placed my hopes of improving the lives of others on my job as a Social Worker. In the end, my expectations backfired on me as it was far from my perceived reality. The weight of the disappointment festered, and eventually I did not complete my bond. I was devastated because I felt that I have failed.

On hindsight, that experienced taught me that my state of mind is worth so much more than anything else. It showed me that I have to guard my mind fiercely, and that I need to prioritise space and time to process issues close to my heart beyond the busyness of life. By doing that, I was able to know myself on a deeper level and discovered strengths that I never knew I had.

As I zoom out my life chart, I am thankful that this “blip” I had gave me the courage to delve deeper as I embraced how I felt then. I learned to see how failure not the opposite of growth, but a crucial part of it.

I am grateful that the main bulk of my early twenties challenged me to rethink what I knew, and kickstarted a process of unlearning and relearning. I hope to pen down my thoughts on growth as an attempt to consolidate my reflections over the past decade or so into something concise. My prayer is that it serves as a personal reminder that as I focus on what really matters, every other good things that come along be it wealth, progress, self-esteem or even healthy interpersonal relationships are just a by-products and never the main point. To whoever that is reading this, thank you for sticking through my thought process and I hope this piece benefitted you in one way or another.

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kez2402 · 4 years

Text

50 Days of Lockdown

Bird.

Definition: warm-blooded, egg-laying, vertebrate animal distinguished by the possession of feathers, wings, a beak, and typically by being able to fly.

Flying.

Definition: floating, fluttering, waving, hanging, or moving freely in the air.

Freely.

Definition: Not under the control of another; as one wishes.

Example: "I roamed freely".

Life.

Definition: the year 2020.

Example: "I cannot roam freely".

*************************

Dear Diary,

Its day 50 of lockdown.

Weeks seem like days, days seem like hours and hours seem like minutes. The time continuum seems to have stopped. The Earth is standing still. Although time moves on it feels like we are stuck in a loop where everything has simply stopped moving. Nature is finally flourishing, the Earth is healing and people are experiencing the Great Realisation.

I write to you from the deep, green heart of the forest. The green leaves of the trees blanketing me from the sun as it begins it's journey to disappearing upon the horizon. The world has been silenced, but nature is signing louder than ever. The sound of songbirds echo through the grassland, a small bird with a distinctive bright blue crown and a tail with a yellow underside landed in front of me, cocking it's head at me before flying off.

I watch as the yellow of it's wings soar freely from tree to tree and I thought about the times where I, too, was free. As of today, May 4th 2020, I am not free. I am a bird in a cage, unable to roam freely, live freely. Unable to leave your house unless necessary, no social interaction, stress and uncertainty, life is tough.

The Covid-19 pandemic has taken the world by storm. Something that seemed so far away, is now on our doorsteps. Some closer than others.

This morning, I discovered my Nan was admitted to hospital for what they thought was pneumonia......it wasn't.

Covid-19 now threatened the life of someone I love.

While I am aware she is doing well I can't help but find myself preparing for the worst. This pandemic has now hit home and it made me realise how important family is. We often take it for granted and show more care for materialistic things, but the greatest gift of all isn't something you can buy; it's the love of family.

I have abandoned all school work and exam preparation, landing me up here; on a tree trunk in the middle of the forest. The world has become chaotic, stressed and anxious. We often forget about the nature of our planet and the beauty it holds, but we also forget how it harmonises. There are so many different species, predator and prey, but yet there is balance, harmony.

When I enter the avenue of trees the outside world disappeares; its just me and nature. I describe it as a sanctuary of peace. I find the same tree trunk every day and sit there; it was my tree, my space, my safe haven. When I'm here thoughts of the Leaving Cert, death and chaos all disappear and the only thing I have to focus on is the song of the birds, the shades of green.

If only it were real.

For now, it is only a pigment of my imagination and memory. I sit here, the glass of the window standing between me and the outside. The restrictions standing between me and my tree. There is nothing I want to do more than hop the fence of my back garden and run for the trees, standing tall, creating a wall of nature. I envy the birds as they fly free over the emerald kingdom, while we are caged inside.

If anything positive is to come out of this challenging time is the lessons it has, so far, taught us.

Lesson number 1: Be there for each other.

Lesson number 2: Its okay to not feel okay.

Lesson number 3: Nothing lasts forever.

These lessons have also been realisations.

Realisation number 1: We need to be there for each other.

Realisation number 2: Not everyone feels okay all the time and that's okay.

Realisation number 3: Nothing ever last forever.

Not only has our lives changed, I feel we as the Human race have changed too. We had lost sight of who we really are and now, now we have become grounded, realising the things we had prioritised in our lives were, in fact, only temporary. I suppose you could say we only realise what we had when its gone. Things have been put into perspective. This whole situation and how it affects you is all based on your perspective. One might look at this and think of how bad it is, how it has disturbed the flow and routine of our lives, while another might look at this and see it as a way of nature telling us to heal, to find the harmony that it has.

The Leaving Cert is slowly creeping up on me as the motivation to work has completely disappeared. Classes and workloads have continued and will continue into the time frame that I have labelled 'summer'. That summer before college has been cancelled for the 61,053 students who are expected to sit exams, that determine their future, in the middle of a global pandemic. At the moment, for some of us, there are more important things than the Leaving Cert, such as family. By July, some of us will be grieving, we will be scared and we will be expected to preform our best performance when their are people dying all around us. We are risking our health, both physically and mentally, because tradition is more important than us.

There is no point in complaining now, I suppose, it is what it is. The future will be what it will be. The biggest achievement in a time like this, is surviving and coming out the other end of it. In a time like now where everything is uncertain, there is one thing that is certain:

We will get through this.

Not I will or you will.

We will.

Its been 50 days since it started.

Its been 50 days since I've seen my family, friends.

Its been 50 days since life as we knew it, would change.

We can count the days that have passed since we were first caged by the virus, but we cannot countdown the days until it ends.

Until we fly free again,

-K.

#wattpad #wattpadauthor #quarentine #lockdown #quarantine 2020 #april 2020 #june 2020 #may 2020 #ireland

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notesfromthebench · 4 years

Text

Letter 1

Dear Friend,

I felt unintelligent for the majority of my school life. Specifically though, from the age of 12, I felt hugely inferior to everyone else in my class and my year group. Looking back now, I can see that I wasn’t given the tools to truly understand how being dyslexic, and dealing with (as of that time undiagnosed) severe mental health problems, would affect my ability to learn. What appeared easy to grasp and do for my friends would seem impossible to me. I would come home from school and not do my homework, as I felt that there was no point working on something which I didn’t understand and would be incorrect. I knew I would fail, so I did nothing; I didn’t want to really set my mind to working independently at home, away from the help of may peers and my teachers, to ultimately have my worst fears confirmed: that I wasn’t good enough, and never would be.

The feeling of being less than, and never enough, would live inside me, corrupting my every thought, until I turned 18 or 19. To my younger self, there was just one way to release this, and that was to physically give it room to escape my body. I had been self-harming on and off from the age of 11, but it grew to a near nightly ritual when I was 14. I would come home from school, head upstairs to my room, shut the door, put my schoolbag down on the floor, head over to the back corner and begin. In the span of five or ten minutes, I could work out my frustrations about my day into my skin. I would attend school with arms and thighs covered in cuts, scars, burns and bruises. I was cautious, and to my knowledge, no teacher ever found out – or if they did, they never said anything. Looking back, it’s laughable that to me that, at the time, I thought I wasn’t unwell- I knew that hurting yourself wasn’t normal, but I also was aware that there were hundreds of people online with far more dramatic injuries than myself, or friends who were also struggling: I wasn’t that bad. Nevertheless, I knew that what I was doing to myself was abnormal, and should be kept secret. I would wear my PE skort under my uniform to hide my thighs, and I would play sports in my school jumper- changing quickly, in order to expose my arms for the shortest possible period of time.

Throughout the school day, I would go to a bathroom stall and just stare at what I had done to myself, proud of the fact that I was finally taking control and punishing myself for not being good enough. I would skip lunch, saying that I had homework to complete, and I would just stay on the floor of my form room, listening to music, and running through every reason as to why I was an awful human being. And this created a cycle. I would head to class, where I would be reprimanded for not completing my homework, and have my flaws pointed out to me in red pen, and to me, I would take this as confirmation that every time I hurt myself, that I deserved it, and that it would ultimately help me. I had literally fallen into a routine of self destruction; I had fallen into having a fully fledged addiction without really realising it. I was convinced that I was in control- hell, the element of control was the appeal. However, I would then notice scars fading under new ones, and I would feel a huge sense of dread and loss, and rush to replace them. My greatest fear was that someone would notice and make me stop – I needed this to function. Once, when sat in my safe space, against the radiator in my form room, a group of people were sat around me talking about self harm. I remember being petrified when one girl, sat in front of me, grabbed my right hand and rolled up my sleeve. I still can vividly feel the relief I felt that she had selected the wrong arm. However, that event made me more manipulative, and far better at hiding it. I would lie about injuries, claiming sprains in order to wear a bandage over my arms, I would permanently hold my jumper sleeve down by my fingers, I would cover my wrist in plasters, under my watch and wristbands.

I’m so lucky that my scars have faded the way that they have, and although the ones on my thighs are noticeable, I am able to conceal the ones of my arms with make-up easily enough. However, all these memories have been dredged up in the past few days. Lately, the weather has been getting colder and we’re heading towards fall. But with colder weather, comes the fact that older faded scars become more prevalent on the skin, especially being as fair as I am. Brushing my teeth, and groggily leaning against the sink for support, I glanced down and noticed that there were patches of my arm looking darker than usual. After heading to collect my glasses, I saw the remnants of a scar I had all but forgotten about (unless dredging through old journals, or in a particularly difficult spiral of shame and depression). Anyone could see it, and not notice the significance, but memories came flooding back.

When I was 16, after getting a mock GCSE paper back and gaining a mark considerably lower than my friends, I went home in shame, and carved the word stupid into my forearm. I remember it vividly, how calm I was, despite falling apart and screaming on the inside. I was methodical. I remember thinking I wanted it to be ‘unintelligent’ but I was scared that it wouldn’t fit, or that I would spell it wrong, and that I would be saddled with a spelling mistake blazoned on my arm for the rest of my life, validating my lack of intelligence to all who saw. I settled with stupid- this thought process was further confirmation to me that this brand was exactly what I needed. I remember finishing and being very proud of myself. I cleaned myself up, and settled in for a night of sitting on the internet, and neglecting the mounting pile of homework I was studiously ignoring. It wasn’t until I lay in bed that night that I realised that the very next day. I had another HPV jab due at school. Panic filled me. I grabbed my journal, and came up with plans of action of how to hide my forearm when being injected by a nurse in my upper bicep. Bullet points to detail how I was planning on lying about my dominant hand, wearing an arm brace and saying that I had slammed it into the car door, or faking illness and saying that I couldn’t have the vaccine that day. It was as though I were writing a shopping list. Seeing that now, it hurts to know that i was so isolated, and yet so convinced that this behaviour was rational. I was so proud of myself for coming up with my backup plan of wearing the brace, as the nurse who administered my vaccine that day said that it did not matter that I was supposedly left-handed, and proceeded to roll up my left sleeve. Still, after having the vaccine, I went to the little seating area, and, whilst the other people there were helping a classmate who was so terrified she had brought her stuffed toy frog to accompany her that day, I quickly rolled down my sleeve and felt safe in the knowledge that I had gotten away with it. I had outsmarted everyone, and continued to hide my destructive routine.

I’m 23. I left my home city and had the greatest time at University, and whilst relapse is an inevitable part of recovery, I can look back and see how far I’ve come, and realise all the hard work I had to put in, in order to claw my way out of that mental space which would worsen dramatically before it would get better. And, I’m not stupid. I categorically am not. Yes, I need extra time, and I need to put in more work than someone who doesn’t have dyslexia or any other learning disability, but that doesn’t make me stupid. It means that I’m willing to work my butt off in order to get where I want to go. It functions as a daily reminder that, regardless of the fact that there are days when it’s harder to locate than others, I’m determined to get to a place where I’m happy, both career wise, and mentally.

I am also old enough, and have enough hindsight and reassurance, that just because someone else is a lot smarter than you, it doesn’t make you any less intelligent. I would never dream of conflating a grade on a paper or test now with my personal worth. It wouldn’t even cross my mind. Around this time, I read Harvey and found this quotation, which in a way only a 16 year old could, displayed it across my social media platforms: “Years ago my mother used to say to me, she’d say, […] ‘In this world, Elwood, you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant.’ Well, for years I was smart. I recommend pleasant.” Look at me, I’m philosophical and I read. Maybe I was hugely missing the point of what Elwood was attempting to convey here, or I was setting a goal for myself, either way, it’s laughable to look back at 16 year old me, obsessed with this quote, and thinking that I had also chosen being oh so pleasant. I was cruel to myself, and was permanently grumpy due to lack of sleep and exhaustion. I was not a nice teenager. Nonetheless, at some point over the last 4 years, I chose to be oh so pleasant, and my intelligence didn’t falter, but grew, when in an environment in which I was wholly supported. I leaned that, although I was so unbelievably privileged and lucky to have been given the education I had, an environment which strives for academic excellence, and prides itself on league table positioning was not one in which I could thrive. Whilst this is obviously beneficial to lots of students, it’s taken a long time to not feel guilty in saying that the system that prioritises those things was not one which was helpful to me, especially when I consider the handful of teachers who really did positively impact my life. And that’s ok. People learn in different ways. It just took me a little bit longer, and a little bit more work, than everyone else.

From,

Your Friend on the Bench

#blog #writing #notesfromthebench #writer #letter #confessional #tw self harm

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thakurtho · 4 years

Text

Understanding the damage

Here are the things I have observed from my love timeline:

1. The times that I have been really excited about a relationship were the times when I was besotted with someone.

2. Every time I was besotted, the love story did not go anywhere. It ended with rejection, separation and a broken heart. The younger heart healed faster. As I moved from Man 1 to Man 2, healing was very fast, from Man 2 to Man 3 - it took atleast 4-5 years to get over the pangs, and Man 4 took me 7 years to get over.

3. I never really dated. I just went in. Every single time. I was not trying to find out anything. I was already in love with whatever they were going to offer. And atleast for the men I was besotted with, it holds true even today. I still love them - some with an equal intensity, but a different expression.

4. I was mostly always in really weird situations with all of these people. I was never really having a normal relationship anywhere except with my husband.

5. Somewhere, I know I found the relationship with my husband very safe, stable, comfortable - but more friendly than lover-ly. I seeked thrill in a relationship - which I have now started calling as magic. There is something that’s there between two people. I can’t create it. It needs to exist by itself. Without that, I would just be settling.

6. I know I do not want to settle for anything any more. Once I have experienced that magic, two times over, I do not wish to be with anyone where it doesn’t already exist.

7. I still have the fear of saying no to someone. I still fear the concept of breaking up. I realised it is not so much for my sake, it has been for the sake of the other person - of how they will feel. I have always known good men, and breaking their heart hurts me. But I have grown to realise that if I can’t give that person an honest me, it is worse than breaking their hearts.

8. I have learnt about the idea of dating only now. I have learnt that it is ok to meet people - and not want to meet them again. I had that guilt also piling up with me for the longest time.

9. Even now, I see a pattern. I go all in. I get to know the soul of the person. And they feel intensely close to me because of that. I bare my soul only to very few. But somehow, a lot of them get to know me. My connections with people are still not the frivolous kind.

10. I have not had the luck of knowing anyone so far who will share enough time and space with me for me to understand how that will work. I do not know how I will be in a relationship today. I have not yet found out.

11. The opportunities being sent my way currently are like baby steps towards sharing time and space - it’s mostly digital time and mental space. I guess slowly I might people otherwise.

12. I give. I do not know how to hold back. I do not know how to ask back. I take whatever is given to me. Truly, I think I have gotten used to crumbs. I can live off that. I do not know how to demand. I always wonder if it is my place to.

13. I open up my mind and heart to their propositions. I have done polyamorous relationships. I am currently the affair in many such equations. I seem to be ok with it. I do not know if it is because I don’t have anything better. Have I made my peace with the fact that this is the best I will get and hence, have adjusted my mind to it or if I truly want to live like this. I truly understand such equations and relationships, I just don’t know yet if I would want to be in one of them in an objective scenario.

14. I don’t know if I have made my work my life’s mission so hard that I do not prioritise this aspect of my life. Or is it only because there isn’t anything here, so I keep myself busy.

15. For the last 7 years, I have been in love with a version of someone who was something to me. I kept wanting to be with him through out. Honestly, I thought we would end up together. I didn’t there would be another possibility after all that it went through. But that didn’t happen. Surprisingly, when the end happened, I was much better prepared to handle it than I thought I would.

16. I feel like Devdas suddenly stopped drinking one day and now doesn’t know what to do. I have not found any one person to be with ever since. I have found a bunch of nice people who I have befriended. I do not know if I want a person today or not. Somehow I feel I do. Then I feel I get cold feet. This is the little bipolar me about relationships.

17. I am continuously met with rejection. I want to consistently dive in and see where it goes and if it doesn’t, it is ok. It happened with the last one where the other person did the same thing. Honestly, I was happy that happened. Even though I did grow the courage enough to call it off. But in all other cases, I seem to be over enthu and eager. I do not like hiding it, because if I like you, I do. However, if it is not reciprocated with the same enthusiasm, then clearly there’s no magic there right?

18. I have truly forgotten what it was like to share physical space with another human. I do not know when I will be able to do it again. Currently, the short bursts of it that I have by spending a night, or 2 days together, seems surreal. It always becomes just a haze of talking and discovering. It is nothing normal and mundane. I don’t know how that will be again. I want to know. But somewhere, I think I have gotten convinced that it might not actually happen ever again.

19. I do not know what it would be like to find that magic and live with it every day. I do not know if it will wear off if I had access to it all the time. My favorite love story had showed me that love kept frozen in time, lasted. But it was pretty much because it never got to be what it could. Unfulfilled love is very romantic. But can fulfilled love be the same? I do not know that. When I read Bridge Across Forever, I believed in it again. I felt that I was not the only one who thought there could be a forever - till whenever it lasted. It could be magical everyday - even in the mundane. Ofcourse, you give yourself the time and space to keep the magic alive - relationships are work. But it seems to be possible. 20. I know I want to experience one normal, magical relationship in my life. I don’t know if I ever will. Sometimes I feel I don’t give people the chance. Sometimes I feel I shouldn’t have to. It should just be. This is truly my duality. I really cannot figure out what I want right now. Till I don’t, I guess I will just flow. Also, if I keep believing, then anyway, it will pan out the way it would, right?

#LessonsFromLove #Love #Heart #WhoAmI

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eveprofessionalpractice · 4 years

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Case Study: Cole Bennett.

Cole Bennett is a video director and the founder of Lyrical Lemonade which is a company that includes events business, a media outlet, a production house, and a beverage distributor. What brought Cole Bennetts work to fame are the music videos which he shoots, edits and posts on the Lyrical Lemonade Youtube channel which is followed by over 10 million people. Key to Bennett’s videos are his use of playful animation and ‘run and gun’ production technique which sets his work apart from mainstream music videos. In 2019, Cole Bennett and his company Lyrical Lemonade are the most in demand within the music industry and his list of celebrity clients is a mile long. While Cole’s rise to fame is inspiring as he was able to take a small idea and something he enjoyed and take it to a level where he is at the top of his game, his personality and mindset is what inspires me.

When researching Cole Bennett I cam across a TEDTalk that he did, where he spoke about the idea of mindset and his rise to success as a professional doing what he loves and is passionate about. During this talk he spoke about inspiring qualities that his tried to have throughout his career, even from the beginning:

Mindset

Problem Solving

Optimism

It is these qualities that have brought Cole to where he is today as where your mind is will help to fuel your career as you cant control the circumstance, but we can control how we handle them.

Cole started making work in high school where he made music videos for friends and local talent within Chicago as he wanted to do more for the Chicago hip hop scene. Even in high school Cole had the drive to follow what he is passionate about as he attended any show he could watching local artists perform and building friendships. For me, this shows how Cole Bennett prioritised his happiness even during his teenage years, as his drive and dedication when he was making very little money shows how your love for something outweighs everything.

Lyrical Lemonade started out as a blog/website where Cole wrote articles everyday on the Chicago hip hop scene/local talent who weren't being highlighted. To push the idea of Lyrical Lemonade in high school, he decided to make stickers and hand them out around the school pushing his vision to his peers. Within the TEDTalk, Cole spoke about a special moment in his career where he decided he wanted to throw a show however, he had no money, resources and was hoping the artists would play for free. During this night, 300 people showed up to the free show which showed the impact of word of mouth as his small blog had reached such a large audience already.

What I find inspiring from Cole is that he sets realistic goals as he doesn't want to let himself down and wants to allow himself to accomplish more, I find this motivating as when you're at uni it is easy to look at the bigger picture which could set you up for disappointment if it doesn't work out. I think I will try to implement this mindset of starting small, as this will mean when something doesn't work out it isn't upsetting.

Throughout his career, Cole has always utilised what he has at hand especially at college as his dorm room became his office where he brought artists for interviews and to shoot music videos. This displays his use of problem solving as I'm sure while at college money was not in abundance, so utilising free locations allowed him to work in a space he was comfortable in and manipulate to fit his requirements.

Cole Bennett is a video director and editor who has reinvented the DIY video scene through his low budget shoots, these shoots would take place basements or on the streets however, his use of editing is what brought a new style to the internet music scene. During this start up and when his popularity grew he had no production team or crazy equipment, shooting only with his Sony A7S2 and his own vision. This emphasises how the equipment you use is not the necessity but how you out your own stamp on work you create will allow you to standout and draw in an audience.

What brought Cole Bennett to the top of his field of work was the growth of the internet and YouTube due to young artists from all over the world, due to the rise of Soundcloud rap Lyrical Lemonade became the forefront of this movement and relationships were developed. As his business grew and working as a professional in the industry became serious, he decided to drop out of college with goals he had to achieve within 10 weeks. If these goals were not achieved he would go back to school, this moment allowed him to reassess himself and what he wanted to priorities in his life. Allowing yourself to put priority into what you want from your life the key to happiness in my opinion, the fact he was gaining success from it also showed how far passion can take you.

Throughout Cole’s career communication has also been key as he was never afraid to reach out for opportunities and experience by contacting managers and artists for work. Within the creative industry, communication and engagement is key especially if you are working self-employed like Cole was as no one is marketing for you, you need to put yourself out there and show what you're capable of. Problem solving is also something that Cole has spoke about through his career as a professional as within situations you need to trust in yourself to deliver, no matter what is thrown at you.

When I look at how Cole Bennett works, it is not his unique style that has allowed his career to thrive but his mindset that has set him apart from any other video director. Being true to himself he appreciates things for what they are truly worth and allows himself to grow from experience and learning, he pushes the idea that you can do anything that you put your mind to as he looks at the world with a glass half full mentality which emphasises his humbleness.

Personally, I think Cole Bennett is the ultimate role model as he is young and successful but looks at his fame and success with appreciation and motivation to push himself further. He shows that concept and creativity can set you apart even if all you have is a small camera, as being true to who you are and how you work will bring the quality of work up. To conclude, I think from researching Cole Bennett I have been opened to the idea of how your mindset can have a major impact on your success in life, which is something that I am going to focus on and use to guide myself towards my future career.

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kf-independent-module · 3 years

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I have been doing a bunch of writings in response to the sound and video work I’ve been doing, as well as the random thoughts/notes that I have been writing in my artist book.

I think I might try recording myself reading these writings. If I run out of time, I will definitely like to continue this through into semester two.

Click the 3 dots below to read my writing pieces:

Life Is Fragile

Handle yourself with care, life is fragile. Remind yourself who you are. Appreciate your body. Protect your mind. Drown your demons. Allow thoughts to come and go. Your past now resides in your memories. Your future is unwritten and ever-changing. Live in the present. Cross bridges when you come to them, or burn them if you need to. Piece yourself back together. Time will heal your wounds. You are like a caterpillar ready to transform. Love whoever you want. Learn to love yourself Fuel your fire and desire. Prioritise your own needs first. Don’t let anyone dim your flame. Find strength. You are worth so much more than you know. Ground yourself. Remind yourself where you are. Feel at home in your own body. Breathe deeply. Focus on your heartbeat, let its energy remind you that you are alive. Take a moment to find beauty in the everyday. Connect with the world around you. Notice the rhythm of your footsteps. Let your sweater hug you with warmth. Muse over the many hues of the sky and the autonomy of waves. Feel the rain kiss your face and the wind guide your way. Acknowledge the ghosts of life which once walked before you. Question mysteries. Allow your mind to wonder. Let the sun greet you good morning, And the moon whisper you goodnight. We exist solely just to live... So live.

This piece was a result of me attempting to collect my thoughts and work out my current mental state. I was writing intuitively and autonomously. My aim was to create a piece that burst with positive energy and mindfulness. I want this piece to bring hope and comfort to anyone struggling with their own demons inside their head.

Listen to Your Friends

An external voice,

One that does not reside in your own head,

In your own mind.

Its words bleed only love and devotion.

A voice that checks if you are doing fine.

A voice that makes you feel valid.

A voice that will not let you crumble.

Listen to them,

Let their wisdom enlighten you.

Allow them to assist and guide you,

And free you from your own thoughts.

Even if it is just for a moment.

Let their positivity remain in your heart.

Remain in your memories.

No matter the day or time,

No matter the season,

No matter how far or near,

This voice can reach you.

Even in the darkest of places.

Escape your mind and remember who cares for you.

You are adored.

Remember to listen.

This piece was actually inspired by the film I took of the seagull listening to the other birds in the distance. It got me thinking a lot about how me and my friends communicate. I wanted to include the many different ways in which my friends have been there for me such as picking me up when I’m feeling at my lowest, visiting me, hanging out together, the advice they give me etc.

I want this piece to be a reminder that however alone you may feel, there is always someone out there who loves you and will never fail to make sure you are okay.

Inner Turmoil

Kirsten Farquhar

What am I so worried about?

Why can’t I just speak my thoughts?

Why is it whenever I am asked a question my brain takes a million years to process it?

Why do I end up saying everything other than what I was thinking?

Why do I take long pauses when speaking aloud?

Why do I stutter whenever I am sharing my thoughts?

Why am I so conscious of the words coming out my mouth?

Why do I always doubt what I am about to say?

Why can’t I go a single day without over-thinking?

What am I doing about this?

Do I have to change?

Do I need to work on this?

Would I not be me if I try to change?

Would I lose myself?

Could I even describe myself?

Who even am I?

I was overthinking one night when I wrote this piece. I believe my thoughts came from earlier in the day during a tutorial and I felt like I just couldn’t clearly explain my project and missed out on explaining all the things I’ve been up to. I then started recalling the endless times I have experienced this sort of frustration with myself in many different scenarios in my life. In an attempt to channel my thoughts and frustrations I began to write down questions to myself. The questions seem very doubtful and insecure at times, however after reading it with fresh eyes the next morning, it was kind of funny seeing they way I had reacted. Writing these questions to myself helped me release some of that negative energy floating within my mind.

Mortality

I cannot wrap my head around the idea of total, absolute, nothingness.

The sempiternal space where we will remain once we expire.

Our time spent in our current shell is so insignificant and temporary.

Time will continue.

It will leave and forget us.

We will live only through memories.

But even the memory our existence will soon cease to exist.

The thought of mortality haunts me every day.

Do we spend more time in nothingness than being a living, breathing entity?

Are we just hosts, a spirit?

Have I walked in the shoes of a life before mine?

Have I lived many times?

Will I live a new life once my current life come to an end?

Have I always remined on this planet?

Are there other worlds out there?

Or are we nothing more than just a brain controlling a body until we die?

Am I just trying to find comfort in death if I believe there is so much more to discover after we die?

Are our lives that meaningless?

I feel so unsettled by the unknown.

But do I really want to know the answers?

One of my biggest fear is death. Not the act of dying, but instead what lies beyond that (if anything at all). Like my previous writing, I used questions to organise my train of thought and pin point exactly what kind of elements make up my fear of death.

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gaiatheorist · 5 years

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Reasons, and excuses.

I’ve probably used that phrase before, when I ‘worked for Royal Bank of Scotland’ (in a 24-hour freephone call-centre), my well-meaning manager had to toe the corporate line about my abysmal payment protection insurance sales figures. “Don’t give me excuses, give me reasons!” she barked at me during an appraisal. The underpinning reason, as ever, was that I’m too honest, for all my excellent listening and communication skills, for all my linguistic trickery, I’m just not a salesperson. The product wasn’t right for everyone, my customer satisfaction ratings were consistently high, my up-sell and add-on figures consistently low, I was ‘dragging the team down’ with my inability to coerce people into buying insurance they probably didn’t need. (Side-spin about the colleagues with high sales figures, who’d mumble the word ‘optional’, or actually drop calls where the customer had requested a high value loan without insurance.)

I’ve just found an excuse for why I’ve been so unwell this week. My Facebook ‘memories’ thing has me goofing about, giving ratings on food, cleanliness, and staff for my ‘mini-break’ 3 years ago. I was in hospital, having brain surgery. The actual anniversary of the surgery was yesterday, today is the anniversary of my bizarre ‘escape from Alcatraz’ release from hospital. (Tomorrow will be the anniversary of the ex eventually leaving, I might buy a bottle of wine for that one.)

The first brain surgeries really shook me up. Not so much the surgeries themselves, I have no recollection of having a groove drilled in my skull so surgeons could lay a catheter-type drain to draw out the accumulated blood from the ruptured aneurysm, and the CSF that was causing the hydrocephalus. I don’t know how long I was the induced coma before the second surgery, where a surgeon guided ‘coils’ into the burst aneurysm, via an incision in my femoral artery. I do remember the procedure of having the drain removed, probably because I refused sedation, knowing I’d ‘need’ the lovely-floaty Morphine later, to deal with visiting time. Calculating, even as I was having a tube removed from the surface of my brain 10 days after traumatic surgery. I have no idea why the ex insisted on bringing his parents to see me every day, or whether he’d made any attempt to contact MY family, to say I was in hospital. That shook me up, that he was in complete control, and I was only ‘allowed’ contact with the people he selected. (He brought his friend to ‘see’ me, all comatose and catheterised, I know the experience will have been unsettling for him, too, but, really? “Going through a bit of a tough time, mate, would you like to come and see ‘our lass’ in pyjamas?”)

The larking about on Facebook is a direct result of the lack of control I had over anything during the first hospitalisation. Stone-cold about dates, and timings, and visitors, I frightened a lot of people, and then tried to humour-deflect. “Stop flapping, it’s only a bit of brain surgery.” (Then my predictable snark-smile, when I turned up back at work, and one of the receptionists said “Oh, did you not have your operation, then?”) I really, REALLY mis-managed myself, through my need to be in control. In-on-Wednesday-surgery-on-Thursday-home-on-Friday, I was ‘going with plan A’, and nothing was going to stop me, least of all the fact that the consultant wasn’t there to discharge me, he’d mentioned that he was on leave over the Easter weekend, but his notes said “Home Friday if well.” so I went with that. I hadn’t brought enough changes of clothes to stay over the weekend.

I’d asked my brother if I could use him as my next-of-kin instead of the ex. I’d been very clear (repeatedly) with the ex that I didn’t want him to visit, and, no matter how much he whined, and pestered, and said he cared about me, I wasn’t budging on that. I’d requested the surgery during the school Easter break so I wouldn’t ‘need’ any time off for recovery. I over-stretched myself, determined to prove myself.

Hindsight is a kick in the minge. I prioritised getting the kid to the end of his A-levels, getting rid of the ex, and ‘proving myself’ at work. As much as I brushed off the concerned people on Facebook, telling me to ‘rest’ and ‘take care’, they were right, and I was wr w wro- misguided. I continued to do what I’d always done, running at life head-on, and it took me about six months of running on fumes to burn out completely. That didn’t have to be inevitable, I made my choices, and tried, but the cumulative toll of several life-changing events in a relatively short space of time hit me, and I broke a little bit.

Having established that the ‘anniversary’ is an excuse for having effectively ‘lost’ this week, the date makes no difference to anything, I’m looking for a reason. I’ve been physically unwell, and emotionally unstable for a week, the two do tend to go hand-in-hand with me. The migraines tended to be enforced shut-downs, when my brain would ‘just say no’, and I almost-always ended up with something vague-and-virusy during school holidays. I’ve had a throat infection, and it has been a doozy, bypassing the usual crappy tonsillitis that hits me 3-4 times a year, and going straight to what looked like laryngitis. Painful days, and sleepless nights, leading to nodding off on the sofa, or in the armchair. Rest, fluids, paracetamol, I know the drill. It probably was psychosomatic, I can’t divorce my muddled mind from my injured brain and dysfunctional body, it comes as a package.

I’d wound myself up about the mental health assessment, paranoid-convinced that I’d be prescribed anti-depressants, and told to ‘get on with it’. Already slightly-wobbly, the appointment came at a huge emotional cost to me, and sent me into a spiral of am-I-a-bad-person? I make questionable choices, and I’m a snarky bitch, but I don’t think I’m a ‘bad person’. ‘Bad’, little linguistic flip, there, because I need to get ‘better’, and figure out what I’m ‘good’ at. I don’t have a date for the therapy, I do have an appointment with Neurology next month, which might reduce some of the physical issues that drain my cognitive capacity. I hope so, anyway, life as it is currently is a bit like trying to run a marathon in stilettos. The therapy, when it eventually comes, will hopefully pick-apart, and re-route some of my disordered cognitive processing. The disordered thinking is a natural response to long-term traumatic experiences, that’s a reason, not an excuse. My paranoia that ‘everyone’ is looking to trip-me-up and catch-me-out is a learned behaviour, but it has proven quite useful in dealing with DWP so far. I used to describe myself as ‘Teflon’, but underneath that bollocks-bravado, I was your classic ‘swan’, appearing to glide through whatever life threw at me, but paddling frantically under the surface. Oh, and probably able to break a person’s arm.

Along with the big petition, to revoke A50, there’s another one, to investigate DWP’s systems and processes. I don’t want to be ‘unemployed’, or ‘disabled’, but, for now, I need the ‘social security’ payments for heating and eating. It’s highly probable that DWP/PIP/ATOS will decide I’m not-disabled, whether I’ve accessed any treatment or not. I’m not scamming the system, I have brain injuries, and ‘mental health issues’ as per ATOS’s notes, ATOS have exacerbated them. I’ve managed to ‘buy time’ in the systems, to at least start to address the issues that my disabilities cause, but I doubt I’ll be given an extension, and a terrifying number of people don’t manage to even qualify for the ‘award’ at all. My last OU course was ‘Introduction to death, dying and grief’, which contained a section on assisted dying. A medical body within the UK has just relaxed its stance on assisted dying, at the same time as the insidious UC and PIP systems continue to steamroller ‘us’. I’m safe-ish, I know that, for now, I’m a drain-on-resources, and, as much as I hate it, I’m justifying it against not having had three years of free tossing-it-off at uni, and only having four months of ‘maternity leave.’ What about the people who can’t formulate a reason/excuse, and less-than is not-enough? An individual able to give fully informed consent should never be prevented from ending their own life, but the ‘informed’ is the issue. The ‘making work pay’ rhetoric is fine in theory, but the universal-assumption is catastrophic. As I am now, I would present a risk of harm to self or others if I was compelled into ‘any/all suitable vacancies’, my bought-time is the only thing preventing that from happening. That’s a reason, not an excuse.

I’ve had a bad week. I have two weeks before my son is back from uni for his Easter break, and I need to do whatever I can to re-stabilise myself before Mr Sticky and his noises are ‘back in the building’. I have many reasons ‘to be’, and I need to stop making excuses.

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lifecoachlondonuk · 6 years

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11 powerful ways to make 2018 successful & fulfilling!

Dear Reader,

As the New year is fast approaching, I am sure like me you are eagerly anticipating the extraordinary things that lie ahead & the change that a new year brings.

But sometimes, the hardest challenge can be starting the New Year with gusto, grace, elegance and ultimately having ‘the best start’ we possibly can.

The trap many fall in to is waiting for the new year to come before deciding how we truly want life & business to be. It’s not the worst strategy but can often leave us reeling out of control & very ungrounded as the busy-ness of change kicks in.

Lets Dive in to Deep and Know : How to Make 2018 Successful

In todays read, I want to share with you 11 very easy to implement steps and strategies that you can begin doing now to ensure you have a more successful & fulfilling year ahead of you.

If you are reading this article during any other phase of the year, you will find these practices are very applicable for you too.

1. Spend time on Self Awareness & Reflection

Self Awareness truly is the first step to a breakthrough and if you want to harness the power of the new year that is coming, one of the best practices you can do is to reflect and create awareness on how you feel the year has been, what has worked & what the key areas of improvement are.

Whether you want to take your business to the next level, create more free time for yourself or do better in your career, reflection & awareness which ultimately means identifying your blindspots is absolutely the one of the first critical steps forward for transformation.

I often ask myself

What am I proud of from the year that has just been?

What would I do differently if I were to start the year again?

What could I do differently to be my best for the coming year?

Hindsight is truly a powerful thing and as they say, ‘good judgement comes from experience & experience comes from bad judgement’.

Leverage the learnings from 2017 and may they add to the foundations of a new extraordinary year!

2. Plan & Envision

A new year is here, so what do you want?

It’s a powerful question but what is the vision for the new year? What do you want to create, achieve and accomplish that would make 2018 extraordinary and truly fulfilling for you?

Be the visionary of your own world and define, dictate and commit to the results you want.

So what will your vision be? What does 2018 hold in store for you?

3. Develop Your Growth Plan

Growth is the life force that feeds who we are. Our being, our character & and the impact we have in the world both personally & professionally.

Once you have identified your blind spots and potential obstacles from the reflection exercise (point 1), design a growth plan for the year tailor made for you.

What books will you read?

What courses will you take?

What are the knowledge gaps you want to fill?

How many skillsets will you be enhancing?

In the Japanese culture, they have a concept called Kaizen which means constant and never ending improvement. CANI isn’t just a mindset but a powerful way of life that fosters creativity, innovation & high performance.

Design your growth plan according to the opportunities you wish to seize this coming year & your future self will thank you for it.

4. Get clear & make extraordinary decisions

Is there anything right now in your world that you are doing with a 50/50 effort mentality, a 5/10 consistency or a serious lack of conviction?

If so, why are those activities or tasks on your list. One of my coaches often said that if there was anything in my world I was doing that wasn’t a clear HELL YES from me… it should be a HELL NO.

At times we have to do what we find challenging or difficult, but if there are any activities or situations you find yourself in that doesn’t call out the best version of you or your passion & creativity, is it time to let go?

Less is more & freeing up the time to give your best to what is most important to you can be the most needed new years gift in disguise.

5. Prioritise your values

I was truly inspired when I heard about a practice Anthony Robbins implements in his company Robbins Research International.

At the beginning of each year, he asks all the workforce to plan their holidays and recreation time in the annual calendar first well in advance before work duties officially kick in.

The challenge many high performers face is with so much to do personally & professionally, everything tends to come first and they themselves then naturally come last.

It’s very easy to become a slave to time but to avoid this trap, create the space, time & the environment to honour everything that is important to you.

Along with your career/business whether what you value is family, connection or travel, honour your needs as much as possible and this is excitingly a huge secret to avoiding stress and burnout too.

To give your best to the people around you, you must first…. be your very best.

6. Qualify your environment

Who you spend time with is who you become.

Is your peer group and the people you spend the most time with serving you, or holding you back?

We often forget how powerful our environment can be on our thinking, focus & decision making capability. High performance engines are created in the highest quality settings.

If you want to soar, perform at your best & have the impact you desire in the New Year, qualify your peer group and ensure they are adding immense value to your character and your vision & you doing the same for them.

Keep building relationships with people that inspire you too & inspiration will never leave you.

7. Contribute

As Tony Robbins says ‘The Secret to Living is Giving’ and when we can find a means and way to help those in need, we are rewarded in truly fulfilling ways.

If you want to find a way to reach real fulfilment for you now and in the future, spend time serving people and communities in need and being part of a mission much greater than any one person.

Give your time, energy & support to people in underprivileged situations that may not be able to do anything for you in return and watch the magic unfold.

The impact of doing so never goes unseen, unheard or unfelt by the people you gift your time to.

8. Develop your own Morning Ritual

If you look at the top performers in any field, you will find that the level of success they have is no fluke or accident.

The reason they are the top performers is because they have certain habits, routines and rituals that allow them to unleash their potential.

Similarly, one of the best practices high achievers adopt to ‘own their day’ and get the best from the time they have is to create a morning ritual that serves them powerfully throughout each day till the next.

If you want to find out more about morning rituals and how to create your own, I recently wrote an article I am sure you will enjoy here http://bit.ly/2E2MQeO

I challenge you to create a morning ritual that works for you and you’ll be amazed by how much impact this will have for you on your performance and effectiveness.

People often forget that we create our future from what we do each day. If we aren’t winning or consistently loosing each day, what future are you creating?

9. Health First

Another challenge I see with high achievers, leaders & Entrepreneurs is that is can become very easy to neglect your health in pursuit of success and professional excellence.

As I said very easy to do and I have personally been down that road myself years ago, but health is truly wealth.

If you want to have a better work life balance, perform better in your business/career & have the energy to do the things outside of your professional life that inspire you, energy, vitality & health are the key.

Is your health currently at the level you are satisfied with and serves you well?

If not, NOW is the best time to make it happen because if you can’t implement the strategies today, it is very unlikely to happen tomorrow.

Only 8% of people make it past the 1st month who set New Years Resolutions.

Shocking I know…

but if you want to be a member of this 8% club, don’t put off to tomorrow what you can do today with regard to your health.

By setting your health system/routines in place now and before the new year begins, you will be approaching your goals from a place of commitment versus setting resolutions because of what the masses do which is why they are setting themselves up to fail from the very beginning.

Health is wealth!

Give yourself the energy & vitality you deserve to lead an extraordinary and fulfilling life.

10. Be you, be fearless & speak your truth

I grew up being a people pleaser and wrongly had held a belief that the more I can please others, the more successful I would become. This way anything but the truth as you can probably guess.

It’s scary how many of us at times live our life, run our business & act in a way to please or not hurt the people around us. Showing up to situations looking for approval, validation or recognition without taking in to account what is true to us in the moment.

The most interesting thing about putting others before our own needs, is that this does anything but win trust, build powerful connections & create magnificent relationships with the people around us.

I challenge you to be bold this coming year & speak your truth (gracefully of course without ego), to own what you feel, think and know from one moment to the other.

This may change or alter the number and quality of relationships you have, but this is always for the better.

Whether you are in the board room or at home, BE the extraordinary you!

11. Hire a Coach to unleash your potential

As a coach, it is very easy for me to say hire a life coach…..and over the last year I have personally invested in some of the best coaching talent to ensure I can be my very best and deliver extraordinary coaching and results for my clients.

The reasons I hire my own coach & pride myself in doing so is because a coach will push your comfort zone, help you see where you are holding yourself back in your life/business, identify what your blind spots are, call you out when you are making excuses or not achieving what you have set out to do, hold you accountable & provide you with a third person perspective that very few people are willing to share with you out of fear.

A coaching conversation is high flame, intense, powerful, life changing and not for everyone.

Having a coaching conversation is by far one of the most powerful conversations you will have where everything you envision personally & professionally starts becoming an inevitable reality.

If you want to truly unleash your potential in 2018, find a coach you resonate with & get ready for a phenomenal year.

So there you have it…. 11 steps and strategies you can start implementing immediately today that will ignite your potential for the very events and experiences that lie ahead of you.

Enjoy and I hope this article has served you powerfully. Comment below and i’d love to hear from you with what you will personally implement now and in to the new year to make 2018…..your best year yet!

Here’s to your continued success & if there is anything I can do to serve or support yourself and/or your business or if you have any questions about my latest article then please feel free to reach out to me here or at [email protected].

Live Empowered,

Your friend and Life coach London,

Raghav Parkash

#lifecoach #life quotes #lifechanger #motivating quotes #motivation #motivational #motivator #london

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carlsonknives · 6 years

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WELLBEING | Find Your Happy – What I Discovered During My Year Long Search For Wellbeing

I’ve been on a personal quest recently to find out what makes me happy. Could your own wellbeing be influenced by some of the keys to happiness that I’ve discovered?

In fact, for the whole of 2017 I’ve focused on living in the present and being more mindful – paying greater attention to the things I do and the experiences I’ve had. Doing this has allowed me to evaluate how the things I do make me feel, not just emotionally, but in a physical sense too.

The benefits I’ve felt have included sleeping better after extended periods outdoors, to feeling a lasting, deep sense of relaxation that has helped to quell the anxiety that had started to creep back up on me again.

In my year long search for wellbeing, I found that my own happiness hinges on just 5 key things…

On a recent walk we stopped here and skimmed stones and took time to really appreciate the nature all around us

1. Greater engagement with the natural world

Mental health organisation Mind recognises the importance of feeling more engaged with the world around you as a basis for good mental health. I have found that being able to immerse myself in the natural world and focus on something other than myself and everyday work related stresses, has proven invaluable.

Instead of going for a walk and huffing my way down the path as quickly as possible, I’ve learned to meander and focus my attention on my surroundings.

Realising that a simple countryside walk can be so beneficial to me has been transformative.

From noticing the way that rays of sun fall through the canopy of trees, to looking out for fungi or simply stopping and listening to and attempting to isolate the various sounds I could hear. Walking in a more mindful and present way has helped to give me space and clarity and has helped me appreciate the natural world even more. Instead of focusing on stressful situations and anxiety inducing thoughts, I’ve been able to step away from those things, and it’s had a calming effect on my brain.

Taking photographs that capture the way the late autumn sunlight falls through the canopy

Realising that a simple countryside walk can be so beneficial to me has been transformative, elevating walking and camping from an activity I sometimes choose to do, into activities that are vital for my wellbeing, which means I now prioritise these activities above pretty much anything else.

For great tips on being more mindful when you’re outdoors, I highly recommend reading How to Connect with Nature by Tristan Gooley.

2. More quality time spent outdoors

Whilst it’s a known fact and pretty obvious that physical activity will make you sleep better, that’s actually not been the case for me in the past. When I did an 8 hour hike up Snowdon, despite feeling calm, happy and physically wiped out when I got back to my tent that night, I was still lying awake until the wee small hours, unable to switch off my brain and sleep.

For me sleeping well is a more complex issue concerning my state of mind rather than how active and physically tired I am.

Instead of just seeing ‘trees’, I make an attempt to focus my attention to see more and pick up on every detail

The thing that determines how relaxed I am and therefor how well I can sleep, seems to be determined by where my awareness is at the time of doing whatever I choose to do outdoors.

By changing my focus, particularly on a more challenging walk, from the discomfort I feel or from worrying about the terrain or how much further there is to go, I have instead learned to focused on how nice it is to be outdoors, the sense of freedom it gives me, the beautiful scenery, breathing in lungfuls of clean air… In short, focusing on the many positives and never letting the negatives become bigger than an insignificant niggle.

I’m happy and confident enough to do pretty much anything on my own these days

This change in focus means I am more present, and appreciate the time I’m spending outdoors. Anticipating and recongising the positive impact of what I’m doing makes for an affirming overall experience, making me feel much calmer and happier which ultimately leaves me feeling less stressed and more likely to sleep well.

3. Having something fun to look forward to

I’ve always been a great believer purposely leaving free weekends for spontaneous microadventures or for planning outdoor activities in advance, meaning I’ve always got something to look forward to.

The view of Loch Tay from the glamping pod I stayed in during my solo Scottish road trip earlier this year

Whenever the opportunity has arisen I’ve planned days out and weekends away; everything from a simple hours’ kayak hire at a local lake, through to long walking, camping and glamping weekends and road trips (read about my solo road trip and hike up Ben Lawers earlier this year). I’ve found that always having the promise of something enjoyable to look forward to is a great way of getting me through a mood slump or a long week trapped inside the office, and it provides me with a greater sense of purpose and because I have increasingly chosen to plan things to do on my own, it’s provided a huge boost to my confidence.

The book Microadventures by Alistair Humphreys is great starting point if you need a hand in terms of planning things to do.

4. Spending time with like-minded, nurturing souls

Whilst I was at University I learned an important lesson, namely that if you surround yourself with difficult people they drain you and can exert a negative influence over your life.

I’ve spent my whole adult life working hard to ensure that my friends and acquaintances share similar values to me, and since starting this blog, I’ve found that the values I hold most dear are twofold, relating to attitudes towards the natural world and spirituality. I feel most content when I spend time with those who share an adventurous spirit, and a mutual love for nature and being outdoors.

The Outdoor Bloggers group hiking up Snowdon last year

Once surrounded by others who also value their own wellbeing, I’ve found it’s easy to benefit from their positive influence. This is true not just in terms of my close friends, but it even goes as far as those that I follow and interact with on social media, the publications I choose to read and what I watch on the rare occasions when I switch the TV on.

When I have suffered from depression in the past my instinct has always been to withdraw and shut myself of, and whilst I’m robust enough to cope in a healthy way with negative experiences, I have a choice and the power to largely shape my own world, and choosing to fill it with like-minded souls has ultimately made me a happier person.

5. Making time for rest

As well as running this blog, I also do some freelance writing, consultancy and have a full time job. Any blogger will tell you that it’s not easy and the many hours needed to make a blog successful are far greater than most realise, and that’s before I even factor in family demands, hobbies and a social life.

I no longer regard relaxing as being lazy or wasting time

With so many demands upon my time I am used to operating on the edge of burning out and doing something as simple as taking half an hour out for a relaxing bath, was the sort of thing I never allowed myself to do, seeing it as wasting time I didn’t have. With so much to do, sitting and watching a film (and not writing a blog article and posting on social media at the same time) felt impossible, and it took an incredible amount of resolve for me to turn around my mindset. In fact, finally accepting that downtime is not lazy, but necessary has probably been my biggest challenge.

I’ve been strict in implementing at least 1 night a week when I don’t get home from work and immediately start working again. I’ve started playing my guitar again and even reading books, because I have realised that taking time for myself isn’t lazy or selfish, it is just a necessary component of my wellbeing.

Your path to finding your own version of happy

I’m not ecstatically happy all the time, but I do feel more content and I now know the steps I need to take in order to restore balance when I do feel stressed or inexplicably down. Coming to this realisation years ago would I’m sure have reduced my anoxeity levels and had a positive impact on my mental health far sooner, but hindsight is a wonderful thing and I’m simply thankful to finally be in a position to understand what I need to make me happy.

I believe that anyone can find their own version of happy. My Burmese grandmother always used to tell me “within you is the power” and I still hold that as the sagest advice I’ve ever received.

Happiness starts by living in a more mindful way, paying minute attention to how your surroundings, the things you do and the people you spend time with make you feel. Experiment and observe the impact they have on you mentally and physically and make a concerted effort to fill your life with more of the things that benefit you and you’ll soon be on your way to living a more fulfilling, happier life.

Resources

Five steps to mental wellbeing – NHS Direct

How to improve mental wellbeing – Mind

How to Connect with Nature by Tristan Gooley

Feral – Rewilding the Land, Sea and Human Life by George Monbiot

Microadventures by Alistair Humphreys

The post WELLBEING | Find Your Happy – What I Discovered During My Year Long Search For Wellbeing appeared first on Camping with Style Camping Blog | Activities • Glamping • Travel • Adventure.

Original Source http://www.campingwithstyle.co.uk/wellbeing-i-discovered-year-long-search-wellbeing/ For the best knives to use whilst camping check out Carlson Knives http://www.carlsonknives.com/

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lifecoachlondonuk · 6 years

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11 powerful ways to make 2018 successful & fulfilling!

Dear Reader,

As the New year is fast approaching, I am sure like me you are eagerly anticipating the extraordinary things that lie ahead & the change that a new year brings.

But sometimes, the hardest challenge can be starting the New Year with gusto, grace, elegance and ultimately having ‘the best start’ we possibly can.

How to Make 2018 Successful

In todays read, I want to share with you 11 very easy to implement steps and strategies that you can begin doing now to ensure you have a more successful & fulfilling year ahead of you.

If you are reading this article during any other phase of the year, you will find these practices are very applicable for you too.

1. Spend time on Self Awareness & Reflection

I often ask myself

What am I proud of from the year that has just been?

What would I do differently if I were to start the year again?

What could I do differently to be my best for the coming year?

Hindsight is truly a powerful thing and as they say, ‘good judgement comes from experience & experience comes from bad judgement’.

Leverage the learnings from 2017 and may they add to the foundations of a new extraordinary year!

2. Plan & Envision

A new year is here, so what do you want?

It’s a powerful question but what is the vision for the new year? What do you want to create, achieve and accomplish that would make 2018 extraordinary and truly fulfilling for you?

Be the visionary of your own world and define, dictate and commit to the results you want.

So what will your vision be? What does 2018 hold in store for you?

3. Develop Your Growth Plan

Growth is the life force that feeds who we are. Our being, our character & and the impact we have in the world both personally & professionally.

Once you have identified your blind spots and potential obstacles from the reflection exercise (point 1), design a growth plan for the year tailor made for you.

What books will you read?

What courses will you take?

What are the knowledge gaps you want to fill?

How many skillsets will you be enhancing?

Design your growth plan according to the opportunities you wish to seize this coming year & your future self will thank you for it.

4. Get clear & make extraordinary decisions

Is there anything right now in your world that you are doing with a 50/50 effort mentality, a 5/10 consistency or a serious lack of conviction?

Less is more & freeing up the time to give your best to what is most important to you can be the most needed new years gift in disguise.

5. Prioritise your values

I was truly inspired when I heard about a practice Anthony Robbins implements in his company Robbins Research International.

At the beginning of each year, he asks all the workforce to plan their holidays and recreation time in the annual calendar first well in advance before work duties officially kick in.

The challenge many high performers face is with so much to do personally & professionally, everything tends to come first and they themselves then naturally come last.

It’s very easy to become a slave to time but to avoid this trap, create the space, time & the environment to honour everything that is important to you.

Along with your career/business whether what you value is family, connection or travel, honour your needs as much as possible and this is excitingly a huge secret to avoiding stress and burnout too.

To give your best to the people around you, you must first…. be your very best.

6. Qualify your environment

Who you spend time with is who you become.

Is your peer group and the people you spend the most time with serving you, or holding you back?

We often forget how powerful our environment can be on our thinking, focus & decision making capability. High performance engines are created in the highest quality settings.

Keep building relationships with people that inspire you too & inspiration will never leave you.

7. Contribute

As Tony Robbins says ‘The Secret to Living is Giving’ and when we can find a means and way to help those in need, we are rewarded in truly fulfilling ways.

If you want to find a way to reach real fulfilment for you now and in the future, spend time serving people and communities in need and being part of a mission much greater than any one person.

Give your time, energy & support to people in underprivileged situations that may not be able to do anything for you in return and watch the magic unfold.

The impact of doing so never goes unseen, unheard or unfelt by the people you gift your time to.

8. Develop your own Morning Ritual

If you look at the top performers in any field, you will find that the level of success they have is no fluke or accident.

The reason they are the top performers is because they have certain habits, routines and rituals that allow them to unleash their potential.

If you want to find out more about morning rituals and how to create your own, I recently wrote an article I am sure you will enjoy here http://bit.ly/2E2MQeO

I challenge you to create a morning ritual that works for you and you’ll be amazed by how much impact this will have for you on your performance and effectiveness.

People often forget that we create our future from what we do each day. If we aren’t winning or consistently loosing each day, what future are you creating?

9. Health First

Another challenge I see with high achievers, leaders & Entrepreneurs is that is can become very easy to neglect your health in pursuit of success and professional excellence.

As I said very easy to do and I have personally been down that road myself years ago, but health is truly wealth.

Is your health currently at the level you are satisfied with and serves you well?

If not, NOW is the best time to make it happen because if you can’t implement the strategies today, it is very unlikely to happen tomorrow.

Only 8% of people make it past the 1st month who set New Years Resolutions.

Shocking I know…

but if you want to be a member of this 8% club, don’t put off to tomorrow what you can do today with regard to your health.

Health is wealth!

Give yourself the energy & vitality you deserve to lead an extraordinary and fulfilling life.

10. Be you, be fearless & speak your truth

I grew up being a people pleaser and wrongly had held a belief that the more I can please others, the more successful I would become. This way anything but the truth as you can probably guess.

I challenge you to be bold this coming year & speak your truth (gracefully of course without ego), to own what you feel, think and know from one moment to the other.

This may change or alter the number and quality of relationships you have, but this is always for the better.

Whether you are in the board room or at home, BE the extraordinary you!

11. Hire a Coach to unleash your potential

A coaching conversation is high flame, intense, powerful, life changing and not for everyone.

Having a coaching conversation is by far one of the most powerful conversations you will have where everything you envision personally & professionally starts becoming an inevitable reality.

If you want to truly unleash your potential in 2018, find a coach you resonate with & get ready for a phenomenal year.

So there you have it…. 11 steps and strategies you can start implementing immediately today that will ignite your potential for the very events and experiences that lie ahead of you.

Live Empowered,

Your friend and Life coach London,

Raghav Parkash

#new year 2018 #motivating quotes #motivation #motivational #motivator

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