awards shows are ridiculous and asinine and are everything wrong with the entertainment industry. that is unless my favorites win in which case awards shows are wonderful and objective and are arbiters of merit and justice in a world devoid of true talent recognition

do you still take prompts?? i would love a lou and reid “kissing in public” one 🥺❤️

I’m always taking prompts! This came in such a good time because I have been trying to write a smutty Loureid scene and is just not coming out the way I want, so the break from it to write some fluff was blessed. Hope you like it!

Word count: 1800 

PDA

--

Reid wasn’t a social butterfly, Louise knew that.

And it never really bothered her, not really. She loved her boyfriend the way he was— quiet, brooding and intimidatingly smart. Reid was loving and caring for her in the privacy of their apartments or their friends’ apartments. He had a complete soft spot for her and, the few times someone did see him smiling in public, it was usually at Lou.

Despite hating large gatherings, Reid would always go parties with Lou. He wanted to make sure she was safe all the time, and he knew Lou wanted him there. His presence was never a bother, always a soothing company. Lou could get extremely drunk and Reid would be there. She could not drink at all and he would be there. She could go to spend hours in that party or only five minutes and he would always gladly follow her.

He wouldn’t dance or even talk to that many people, and although his eyes would never leave her body while she danced.

Lou couldn’t really complain about her handsome boyfriend staring at her dancing as if he was going to devour her.

As she said, Reid’s personality didn’t bother her one tiny bit.

But apparently his behavior annoyed the hell out of him.

“Good morning.” Lou said lazily, padding out of Reid’s bedroom. He was sitting with his back to her at the table but she could notice how tense his body was. Lou walked up to him, hugging him from behind. His body immediately relaxed, and she pressed a few kisses to his neck. “Did you wake up too long ago?”

“No.” He said, pulling her around the chair so she could sit on his lap. He gave her a quick kiss before Lou turned to the table to grab a toast and put some grape jam on it. “Maybe half an hour ago? I didn’t want to wake you.”

Lou merely hummed, taking a bite of her toast. She offered it to Reid but he gave her a shake of his head, gesturing to an enormous cup of coffee by the table. “That much coffee will kill you one day.”

He laughed, but it was clipped. Lou fully turned to him, analyzing his features. Reid was the tallest man she had ever seen, so even on his lap she had to look up at his face. Ivory skin, deep cobalt eyes and coppery hair, the sharp lines constructing his face could have landed him in a model agency if Reid wasn’t such an academic. His features that were usually relaxed when it was only the two of them appeared tense.

Lou raised an eyebrow, smoothing the crease between his brows. “What happened, Chass?”

“Do you regret dating me?”

Lou blinked. “What?”

He sighed deeply, running his hand through his hair. “I’m not really your type, Lou.”

Reid knew about her ex boyfriends. Knew that they were all as social and open as she was, but Lou never thought that it was something that bothered Reid or even made him think that he wasn’t her type. She liked smart, loyal men. Liked someone trustworthy and that would always be able to match her sarcasm and jokes with sarcasm and jokes of his own. Reid was perfect for her.

“Of course you are my type.” She said as if stating the obvious. “Why all this now?”

He sighed again and turned his head, ignoring her gaze. “Yesterday…”

“Oh. Oh.” Lou said, her gaze softening. They had been to a party yesterday, and everything was going as always. She had talked to everyone and Reid was content to just observe his girlfriend on her habitat. Everyone liked Lou, he knew, and it gave him enormous satisfaction to know that despite his reserves she had fallen for him as hard as he had fallen for her. He was thinking about that the night before when he watched a guy approach Lou from behind and start dancing with her. She immediately got away, saying something to the guy and then pointing at Reid’s direction.

The man looked Reid up and down, then Lou. And then he snorted and Reid could see his mouth forming the word “Him?”. Lou nodded, and the guy laughed again but left.

“No one understands how we’re together, Lou. Some don’t even believe. And there’s a fucking reason for that.” He looked back at her, his expression almost pained. “You couldn’t be more social if you tried, and if I tried to be more recluse, I wouldn’t even leave the apartment. I— I just… I don’t want to hold you back.”

“You don’t fucking hold me back.” Her voice was harsh. She knew she should be nicer to Reid right now, it wasn’t really his fault he had insecurities about their relationship. She did too. “And the same way you think that, I do too. But I know it’s stupid because I love you and you love me and that’s all it matters. We never cared about other people’s opinions on our relationship. Let’s not start now.”

He snorted, not at all convinced.

“Would you leave me for a chemistry genius? The type of girl who can probably resolve problems in record time, undoubtedly watches those boring ass documentaries you do and most definitely has won about twenty seven awards on her field?”

“No, of course not. I would never leave you”

“Then why the hell would I leave you for someone that’s more like me?” She crossed her eyes and stared at him.

He stared right back, his features relaxing little by little. Lou never knew Reid even thought of these things. He had never even as much hinted jealously or doubt in their relationship and Lou was terrified that this would make him break up with her because he would think that he was doing the best for her. As much as Reid was a science genius, his grasp on other people’s emotions was a disaster.

“I love you, Reid. Part of me has loved you since the first time we met through Beau and you blurted out what my name meant when I introduced myself.” His cheeks became a rosy pink and Lou smiled. “You’re the best I could ever hope for. Your personality never bothered me, and if you decided to never go to a party again it wouldn’t bother me either.”

He nodded, resting his face on the crook of her neck and taking a deep breath. Lou’s arms came around his shoulders, and she just hugged him.

“I love you too, you know.” He murmured against her skin.

Lou smiled broadly, turning back to the table to eat another toast. “Of course I know.”

The rest of the day went by without too much problem. They spent the whole Saturday together at his apartment, eventually ordering food because Reid didn’t feel like cooking and Lou was a disgrace in the kitchen. When the night came and Coco swept by to pick Lou up to a party at Beau’s fraternity, Reid accompanied both women regardless of Lou’s earlier statement. He usually took care of Coco as much as he took care of Lou. And also Beau.

“Coco.” He said and Lou’s best friend smiled at her boyfriend. Coco and Reid had became close friends after he and Lou started dating. “Looking dashing. I’m sorry for my brother.”

Coco laughed at Reid while looping an arm through Lou’s. “I’m sorry for him too.” Coco chirped. Her and Beau had been playing that strange game of theirs for years now to Reid and Lou’s immeasurable entertainment.

When they arrived at the house, Coco left Lou with Reid to find Beau. Ansel wasn’t coming today, having an anatomy test tomorrow. Reid offered to help him study, but Ans just brushed him off and told him to go have fun with his girlfriend.

Lou expected Reid to go to his usual spot while she combed through the party, but instead he surprisingly slid his hand into her and took a step closer. Lou didn’t comment anything on it, but she would certainly bring it up later. He followed her around as she greeted people. She stopped to talk to a few, gesturing with a hand to the man behind her and introducing him as her boyfriend. As much as Reid wasn’t one for social interactions with strangers, he couldn’t help but be happy at the smile on Lou’s face every time she introduced him or got comment such as “You are such a pretty couple!”.

When even she tired of greeting everyone, she dragged Reid to the bar, grabbing one of those red cups filled with cheap beer. She offered one to Reid, but he merely shook his head and bent down to whisper on her ear. “I’m the DD tonight, baby. Can’t drink.”

“You’re always the DD.” She pouted but didn’t insist further. “I would be majorly pissed if I was always the DD.”

He laughed and pulled her to one of the armchairs near the beer pong. He sat down, looking at her standing in front of him a second before pulling her close to his lap.

“You were never one for PDA, Chass.” She mused against his ear so he could hear her voice clearly. His hands were on her hips, and she rested against his chest, one arm around his shoulders.

“I was going to let you roam around like the social butterfly you are as per usual.” He also said against her ear. “But you seemed so happy by holding my hand and introducing me to your friends that now I think I’ll keep you here for the rest of the night.”

She laughed, taking a sip of her beer. It tasted like piss as always.

“So I have the green light for PDA tonight?” She asked, smiling against his ear.

She could hear him snorting, one of his hands going up and down her back. “I am yours, Louise le Blanc.”

Her smile widened, and she pulled back to look at Reid. Even among this many people, he seemed for the first time completely relaxed. Reid wasn’t one for holding hands in public, or constantly hugging or kissing. She didn’t want him to change but it was so good being able to show her boyfriend off.

“Well,” she said leaning in. “Let me enjoy you then.”

His smile was as big as hers when she touched her lips to him. It wasn’t anything as hot or deep as they usually did in their apartments, but not even Lou would be comfortable doing that in public. No, the kisses were sweet and soft, and Lou couldn’t stop smiling as Reid kissed her through the night, completely at ease with her in his arms.

Tags:

@in-love-with-caramel-macchiato @jlinez @courtofjurdan @aelinfeyreeleven945tbln @ladywitchling

(If you only want to be tagged on TOG fics please tell me and I will take you out of the general list!)

BTBY Chapter 6

Series Summary: For Namjoon, the moment he set his sights on being the #1 rapper, he pushed the symbol to the side and hated it. Love should be chosen, not forced on you. He didn’t believe in fate and this mark on his wrist was a big “fuck you” to all that.

Chapter Summary: Award Show Day!

Previous chapter here

The rest of rehearsal was blissfully boring, as well as dinner. The BTS production unit was filming their behind-the-scenes content so the guys were occupied the rest of the evening, sparing you from anymore awkward conversation.

The next morning you throw on leggings and a t-shirt and go get your hair and make up done for the award show. It’s not like anyone was going to take your picture or anything, but with everyone else looking so nice you would feel out of place if you didn’t also look fancy. You sucked at hair and make-up so you happily paid the salon pricing. You double checked your garment bag and work bag before heading to the venue.

Security is tight as usual and you happily flash your ID and credentials to the staff. You are the first one to arrive from your team. You find the green rooms for BTS and a shared space for several bands' back up dancers. You sit your belongings in a corner out of the way and begin to review the catering order and ensure the requested food and beverages are present. You are super nervous about today. This is your fifth year doing this award show but your first year mostly solo, and the first year your group hasn’t practiced at the actual venue the day before. You sigh, sitting down the request sheet and counting the hair dryers and flat-irons.

Gina, Xavier, and Joe arrive fifteen minutes later. "Hey there good looking," You walk over and hug Joe, careful to keep your face off his suit. Gina is already in her gown and Xavier is like you, dressed in sweatpants and a shirt, ready to practice. “Ok Gina, what would you like me to do today?” you ask your boss even though you can already guess based on the fact one of you is dressed fancy and one of you is dressed for the gym.

“I’m going to stay here and get the stylists and back up dancers checked in. I want you and Xavier to go wait by the back door for BTS and immediately take them to the stage for rehearsal. As soon as the back-ups get checked in I’m sending them your way. When you’re done, bring them here for hair and make-up and then they’ll walk the carpet.”

“Okie dokie.” you say, “See you later Joe!” you smile and pat his arm as you exit the room. Xavier stops and gives him a kiss before he follows you. The hallway is a clusterfuck of PD teams and garment racks, back-up dancers, and caterers, but you love it. So much chaos but also organization. You love awards show days. You were just so nervous you had forgotten how invigorating it was.

“I’m so excited to watch the performances later!” Xavier squeals as the two of you line up alongside other teams by the back door. You hold up your little “BTS” sign so the group can find you easier. The signs were dumb but necessary. The guys had actually hung out with you way more than your previous artists since you were all working together in a small studio space. And, other than the whole soulmate thing, they were the nicest group you had worked with so far. They were patient with your team and their production unit and chose to stay and eat with everyone at the studio, when they could have had catering delivered to the hotel. Yes, at this moment you were feeling very excited and proud.

A few minutes passed where you made small talk with some other producers who were waiting. You saw several other singers and bands arrive. Finally a large group came in and you knew it had to be yours. You immediately found RM.

"Good morning! Are you guys all ready to go straight to the stage?" you ask as you walk alongside him now that all of the guys and the production team were in the building.

"Yeah we gave our stuff to our manager to take to the green room so let's get there as soon as possible." he responds.

"Alright," follow me.” You lead the group through the winding hallways to the stage, trying to keep them focused even though they and other celebrities keep stopping to wave and say "hi" to each other.

"Sorry, they don't get out often," RM jokes as he apologizes to you. "it's fine. We're good on time.” you assure him while checking your watch” The backup dancers are still going through security clearance.” You had sent Xavier ahead to the stage to meet any who arrived early.

“Hey! Is that [Y/N]?” you hear a voice call out in the narrow hallway.

You recognize the well-dressed man as Mr. Salontes, the manager of Imagine Dragons.

“Mr. Salontes!” you lean in for a polite hug, “It’s great to see you again! How are you? You guys are up for best alternative album right?”

“You have such a great memory [y/n], yes we are, and we’re getting ready to promote it on tour this summer. Speaking of which, we’re looking for a Director. I’ve heard great things about you. Are you looking for a tour this summer?” he looks at you hopefully.

Your eyes widen as you stand there shocked for a second, you were not expecting a group this popular to make you offer and you certainly weren’t expecting it in a busy hallway while you were leading your group to rehearsal. “Oh wow, that sounds amazing. Thank you. I am looking to tour this summer. Ummm… Do you also have a position for a choreographer?"

“No, sorry, just a Directing position. We’ve already hired our choreographer.” You think for a few seconds and take a deep breath, “Oh, that’s too bad. I already promised my choreographer Xavier that I would tour with him this summer.”

Mr. Salontes gives you a kind but incredulous look. “Are you sure? This is a really big opportunity you’re turning down. I’m sure your friend would understand.”

He was so nice about it, you felt even worse. But, a promise is a promise. Xavier and Joe had been there for you through some really shitty times, you were’t going to go back on your word.

“I know, and I really appreciate it I just can’t go back on my word. I do really appreciate the opportunity though. Good luck tonight,” you say with a tone of finality as you begin moving again to get your group to the stage.

“You are crazy,” you hear RM comment behind you.

You roll your eyes, “Oh yeah? Why is that?”

“You just turned down working with one of the biggest groups in your country right now. You don’t think that Manager is going to run off and tell a bunch of other people that you’re difficult to work with. I thought you took your job seriously.”

You sigh as you continue to meander through the hallways. Yeah you felt bad about declining the offer, but what were you supposed to do? “I love my job but it’s just a job. If he wants to go and tell people that I won’t leave my friend behind then let him. Other opportunities will come along, My friendship with Xavier is more important. Alright, here we are,” you stop and wait in the wings, scanning the backstage for Xavier and your dancers.

“[Y/N] over here!” Xavier waves at you. You walk over. “Ok all of the dancers are here so we are good to go.”

“Perfect let me go check with AV and I will be right back.” you run down to the sound booth to make sure they knew which group was getting ready to go. “Ok, back up dancers you will be over here stage Left.” You look at your sheet. “V, Jhope, and Jungkook you are also stage left. RM and Jin head to Stage left and Jimin, go to the center of the stage.”

They run the songs with choreography and lights only two times. You and another assistant begin to apply lav mics to them for the full rehearsal. “Ok so no throwing mic pacs today ok? These ones are expensive,” you tease RM as you apply the mic around his torso, feeling the electricity buzzing again. “Dammit,” you accidentally say out loud.

“What? Is the mic shorting out?” he asks, looking alarmed. He does have a tendency to break things.

“No the mic is fine,” you mutter.

“Then what’s causing the electricity,” he asks perplexed.

You smirk and feel your cheeks flush, “It’s a soulmate thing,” you say under your breath. You feel him tense up.

“Oh...sorry about that.”

“It’s fine, I’m almost finished.” you respond as you hand him the in-ears. “Ok, looks good.” you assess him for a minute and then move on to Jin. His placement is much faster even though he is blushing like a schoolgirl. Cute. All of these guys were adorable. And hot. How was this possible?

You signal to the sound booth that you are ready and they run the full practice through twice. Ahh it looks so good. You have water available for them once they finish. “That looked so good!” you say to Xavier.

“I know I know! Let’s get them to hair and make-up.” you say as you gather the men and lead them to their green room. The walk back to the room is much faster fortunately. The stylists are all waiting at different chairs and their outfits have been hung up for them. “Alright, we’ll see you guys in about 2 hours. You have hair and make-up and then you’ll walk the carpet. After that come back here and we’ll wait to be seated,” you tell the group, allowing RM to translate. You and Xavier grab your garment bags and head over to the dancer’s green room to change and kill time.

“You look amazing!” Xavier compliments you as you exit the changing room in your dress. It’s a long sleeve number with a straight neckline, scoop back, and is mid-thigh length.

“You don’t look so bad yourself,” you say as you walk over and straighten up his pocket square and tie.

“Soooo anything new? You knowwwwwwww???” he asks.

“Yeah, we had sex in the green room just now. It took 30 seconds while everyone else wasn’t looking. It was great,” you say dryly.

Xavier rolls his eyes at you. “You’re no fun. So he’ s leaving tomorrow and then that’s it?”

“Yep. Just like that. The way things were before.”

“And you’re fine with that?”

You sit down on a bench and cross your legs. Xavier joins you. “Yeah. I mean he’s super cool and all, it’s just not what either of us want.”

“Well we’ve come a long way from yesterday at least.”

You sulk on the bench for a second and then pull up your phone to watch the Red Carpet interviews. It was always so cool to think that you had a small part in making this award show come together. You guys watch the network interview several bands and your back up dancers come over when it’s BTS’s turn. You hear exclamations of “so cool” “Hotness” “I bet they win” and you smile as you hold your phone.

You look at your watch. “Ok, I’m going to head to the green room. Ill see you at our seats?” you ask Xavier.

“You got it doll,” he plants a small kiss on your cheek. “Good luck. I’m sure tonight will go great.”

You smile and head over to their green room. A few stylists are still around to do touch up work and some caterers are refilling waters and snacks. Everything is going according to plan. You sit down for a minute and enjoy the quiet before the storm. A few minutes later, the band and their filming crew arrive. You stand up automatically but you are finishing up reading an article on your phone so you don’t immediately look up.

When you do you see that RM is staring at you with his mouth slightly open. You look at him questioningly. “What’s wrong?”

“Uh,” sorry. He puts his hands in his suit pockets. “You just uh look really pretty.”

You stand there in shock for a second. “Oh. Thanks. I guess I forgot that I changed clothes,” you laugh while gesturing at your dress.

“Oooo lovely sexy lady,” Jimin says to you as he walks over to his seat.

Namjoon barks out in Korean, “Be professional, she’s our director.”

“I’m just saying the truth,” Jim responds in turn. He winks as he walks past you.

“Thank you,’ you blush and say to Jimin. “You guys look great as well.”

RM rolls his eyes and storms over to his chair, taking out his phone and doesn’t say another word to you. You feel your body slowly get hot with Anger. His Anger. Wtf dude? NEXT CHAPTER

𝐂𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐫𝐨𝐥 𝐓𝐨𝐩 | 𝙎𝙚𝙤𝙠𝙟𝙞𝙣 𝙭 𝙋𝙡𝙪𝙨-𝙎𝙞𝙯𝙚 𝙍𝙚𝙖𝙙𝙚𝙧 

𝚆𝚑𝚎𝚗 𝙹𝚒𝚗 𝚏𝚒𝚗𝚍𝚜 𝚊 𝚐𝚒𝚛𝚕 𝚠𝚑𝚘 𝚕𝚘𝚟𝚎𝚜 𝚏𝚘𝚘𝚍 𝚓𝚞𝚜𝚝 𝚊𝚜 𝚖𝚞𝚌𝚑 𝚊𝚜 𝚑𝚎 𝚍𝚘𝚎𝚜, 𝚑𝚎 𝚌𝚊𝚗'𝚝 𝚋𝚎𝚕𝚒𝚎𝚟𝚎 𝚑𝚒𝚜 𝚕𝚞𝚌𝚔. 𝙷𝚎 𝚓𝚞𝚜𝚝 𝚑𝚊𝚜 𝚝𝚘 𝚑𝚊𝚟𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞...

                                     Pairing: Seokjin/Plus Size Reader Word count: 5k Warnings: feeding kink, playful sex, dom/sub, body worship, pussy slapping, fingering, unprotected sex 

a/n: another plus size fic for all y’all thiccccc queens. i hope you love it as much as i loved writing it. can’t you just see jin loving a chubby girl who loves food as much as he does? this is purely self-indulgent... 

                                    As if you weren't already rushing about and panicking enough, your hear your phone ding from beside the bathroom sink, a text message popping up.

Just got in a cab, see you in 15 xx

It was from Jin. And you were nowhere near ready.

In fact, you still had your leg propped up on the edge of the bath, desperately shaving every pesky little hair from every crack and crevice you possibly could. God, this would be so much easier if had less damn cracks and crevices in which to remove unwanted body hair from. This was possibly the only thing you hated about your damn curves; the upkeep.

"Shit, shit shit..." you muttered to yourself, carefully yet ferociously attacking yourself with your razor. As if by some miracle, you didn't catch your skin. Disaster averted.

You washed the remainder of shaving cream off your body and draped a towel around your shoulders. You didn't bother spending 10 minutes trying to tie it perfectly so that one, it stayed up and two, the inevitable gap in the fabric would cover up your modesty. Waste of time. You already had your outfit laid out; a nice red silk dress, a little higher than ankle length, that you felt hugged your curves perfectly and hid the 'problem areas' well. Not that you thought you had problem areas; you loved your damn body how it was. And why shouldn't you?

However, tonight was your first official date with Kim Seokjin; Korean super idol and self-proclaimed worldwide handsome. Quite how this came about, you're still not entirely sure. You knew him by name and face, working at his brother's side as head of marketing for their superior restaurant chain and of course, you had fallen under his ridiculously charming spell rather quickly - you were only human. But who asked who out still kind of remained a mystery...

You definitely remember him visiting the restaurant you held your office in a lot more after the first time he had met you. And you definitely remember you memorising his order to make sure it was already cooking when he was seated at his regular favourite table. And you remember casually joining him for food a few times, sort of like unofficial dates but...

When he had asked you if you wanted to try out a different kind of restaurant to "scope out the competition" - which actually was part of your job as head of marketing - you didn't quite catch on that he was asking you on a real, proper date. At least, not until this morning, when he had an obnoxiously large bouquet of assorted red flowers sent to your home address with a card that read,

Excited for this evening. Will you wear something red? KSJ xx

And so here you were, slithering your body into the red dress you had picked out. It was your favourite and clearly, the colour was Jin's. The rather suggestive slit in the side of the material showed just enough leg that you felt comfortable and hopefully put the idea of bare skin in Jin's mind.

Oh yes, tonight was about that. You were doing your utmost to bed Kim Seokjin. You had had enough of the flirting and the sideways glances. Enough of the brushing of hands and subtle little winks your way. You'd even almost kissed once, you're sure of it. Before Jin's brother knocked on your office door and interrupted a casual conversation laced with hidden meanings.

In your dress, you felt powerful. Really goddamn powerful, like no amount of music awards, album sales or video views was going to intimidate you tonight. That was, until you looked in the mirror.

The material didn't quite sit right around your tummy. It bunched where it shouldn't and highlighted the extra pounds you had.

Damnit, this is my only red dress, you thought to yourself.

And now, you faced a dilemma.

Wear the dress with the lingerie you had picked out, which was causing this bunching. This means that if the possibility of sex does arise, you will look more gorgeous out of the dress than in it.

or...

Wear your control top granny knickers that sucked you in just enough to stop the bunching of the material and look as slim and smooth as humanly possible, therefore enhancing the chances of said sex to begin with.

With minutes to spare, you didn't have time to pick out a new outfit, and it had to be red. It just had to. So, control top panties it was. If the sex happened, you'd just have to excuse yourself to "freshen up" before things got too hot and heavy. In fact, you hid the lingerie you had been wearing in the cupboard in your en suite.

With your heels on, your now smoothly flowing dress and your delicious curves protruding perfectly, you felt ready. Even your cleavage in the silk was looking particularly delectable. Just a few final touches to your hair in the mirror before the bell to your apartment rang out.

You picked up your purse and headed to the front door. When you opened it, there he stood, in all his handsome glory.

He was wearing a tux; crisp, black, simple and classic. His dark hair was styled off his forehead, just how you loved it and he was wearing the thin rimmed circular glasses that made him look smarter than any man you had dated before.

He didn't say anything at first, simply stared at you; your make up, your hair, that dress, your body... God, he loved it.

"You look... Wow. Suppose I won't be the best looking person in this restaurant tonight after all."

You giggled at that. Of course, he'd say that. How much cheesier could he be? How much more predictable? But you didn't care. It was one of the many reason you liked him so much.

"Maybe just the best looking male occupant of said restaurant?" You teased, soothing his bruised ego.

"I can live with that, for tonight," he held his arm out for you to thread yours around his elbow and escort you down to the waiting cab. As you closed your door and headed down the hallway to the elevator, Jin continued his teasing. "But this can't happen every night, okay? I'm willing to let you take the title tonight, but we gotta share in future. Deal?"

"I'll try my best," you smiled.

****

You meal was nice. No really, it was. The food was great, the atmosphere of the restaurant was great, but that's all it was; just nice. Because frankly, you couldn't concentrate on a damn thing with Kim Seokjin sat opposite you and quite clearly going out of his way to tease and flirt with you.

He sussed out very quickly that you had a thing for his lips, so plump and thick and you could only imagine what they would feel like against your skin. You couldn't stop staring and he noticed. Now that he knew this, or at least thought he did, he was playing up to it.

He'd bite down on it and hold eye contact with you while he did, or brush his fingers along them, or seductively take a mouthful of food from his chopsticks; how that is even possible you've no idea. Chopsticks make eating a little less elegant, and yet it absolutely didn't for him.

He played little games with you all evening, making little jokes, flirting away and the god damn lips thing.

So maybe, it was time to give him a taste of his own medicine.

Starting with the slit in your dress; you angled your body slightly, readjusting the way you were sat to show a little more of your upper thigh through that scrumptious slit in your dress. He noticed, and you noticed him noticing. His eyes were diverted to the bare skin you were showing off and his fumbled on the sentence he was halfway through.

You had to hold in a giggle, watching him unable to take his gaze away.

"Jin, may I ask you a... perhaps invasive question?" you cocked an eyebrow, waiting for his attention to draw back up to your eyes.

"Hmm? Oh, um... " he coughed - one of those cover-up coughs to disguise the fact he was openly staring at your bare thigh. "Sure, go ahead."

"Well, I'm clearly a woman with a few extra pounds, to be polite; inevitable really when you work in a restaurant chain and are surrounded by delicious and free food day in, day out. However, you still find me attractive?" His brows knit in confusion.

"Well, yes... Should I not?" Your heart leapt. Clearly, he wasn't as closed minded as the majority of Korean people about their standards of beauty. Beautiful face, beautiful mind... check and check.

"No, if you think I'm attractive then good; you have eyes," you mirrored his ego as best as you could. Yes you loved your figure but you were always still so... insecure underneath. He smirked at you though, buying your confidence and raised his glass to take a sip. "However, my question to you is," you leaned forward a little resting your chin on your hand supported by your elbow, your cleavage on display, "have you always had a thing for a fat girl?"

The liquid in his wine glass bubbled and splashed as he spluttered, choking in surprise. He tried to recover quickly, dabbing his mouth with his napkin. You giggled at the outburst and his attempt to keep calm, finding it oh so amusing.

"Apologies, I just, um... wasn't expecting-" You held a hand up to stop him.

"It's fine, I was just teasing," you picked your own napkin up, wiping away a droplet of wine from his glasses.

"I have though," he said, so casually as if he hadn't just almost drowned in his wine glass.

"Hmm?"

"Had a thing for fat girls, as you so affectionately put it," he smirked, biting his damn lip again.

"What, is fat a bad word?"

"Oh, no, I was just..." he panicked again. You laughed.

"Jin, shut up. 'Fat' isn't negative to me. It's what I am, not who I am. If you like your women to have that extra chub, then... lucky me," you raise your own wine glass to your lips, taking a sip with a little wink in his direction.

Jin felt a stirring in his trousers at the way you owned that word, the way you teased him, the way your red painted lips sipped at your wine. He'd been having trouble keeping his hands to himself all night, but ever the gentleman he kept it to a little light flirting. But there was never anything light about his flirting.

"Your confidence; it's extremely sexy, y/n." He leaned forward on his elbows.

"Don't mistake my acceptance of myself as confidence. I, too, still get discouraged day to day," you said, thinking back to earlier and seeing the way the dress hung on you to begin with.

"Don't we all?" he asked.

"Madam, sir... your desserts," you server appeared out of nowhere, a tray with your final courses balanced perfectly in his hand. "Classic tiramisu for the lady," he placed the dessert in front of you, "and green tea layer cake for the gentleman. Enjoy," he bowed as he placed Jin's dessert in front of him, scurrying away to leave the two of you by candlelight once again.

The two of you wasted no time in digging in, and with the first mouthful you fell into what can only be described as heaven. As the food melted on your tongue, you couldn't help but let out a small moan of approval.

Jin froze, watching you... Your moan caught his attention, the stirring in his trousers starting to bother him immensely. He loved food, but watching someone else love food... Someone like you; he couldn't control his urges much longer.

He started to tap his foot in annoyance, his knee bouncing. He became fidgety, wolfing down his cake quickly in an attempt to speed up the last few moments of the evening. He wanted nothing more than to take you home.

And you noticed all of it. So naturally, you played up to it.

"Oh god, it's so good..." you huffed, mouth half full. You scooped up another mouthful, holding it towards Jin, "Do you want to try?" you asked, innocently.

"No, thank you." His jaw clenched back into place. You were loving this.

You took the bite for him, letting out another approval moan and watching from under your lashes as his gaze lay intently on you and he adjusted the tightness of his tie to give himself more room to breathe.

As you neared the end of your dessert, Jin flagged down the server and impatiently asks for the bill. The server nods, scuttling away to bring over the leather wallet. Jin is already prepared with his card in his hand.

By the time you've finished up, dinner is paid for. You server clears the table and Jin, still remaining chivalrous, takes your hand to help you stand, places your purse over your shoulder and proceeds out of the restaurant with you in tow.

He hails for a cab, opening the door and letting you climb in first. The ride home, you chatter mindlessly with him, and although he seems interested his mind is wandering. His thigh is so close to yours, your interlocked hands sat just above the slit in your dress, so close to bare skin... He wants to touch, wants to feel how beautiful you are, not just see it.

The cab pulled up outside your apartment, and Jin paid the driver. You tried to pay, at least for something this evening but he wouldn't allow it.

The walk up to your apartment was quiet, your fingers still locked together affectionately, until you had to find your keys and unlock your door.

You turned around to face him, standing in the doorway. Jin made no effort to step inside or invite himself in; but you were about to do that for him.

"Thank you for a lovely meal, Seokjin," you smiled, leaning against the doorframe and looking up at him with a smile.

"My pleasure, y/n. Somewhere different to eat than the place you work, for a change," he smiled back, plunging his hands into the pockets of his slacks.

"It was a lovely place. Maybe we should do it again some time?"

"I'd like that, a lot."

A silence fell on you both as you watching him rock on the balls of his feet uncomfortably.

"Well, I'd better um... get going then," he leaned forward, planting a small and affectionate kiss on your cheek, but lingering as he pulled back.

His eyes darted down to your lips, contemplating. He wanted to, so bad. Did you want him to? Should he ask? Your eyes met, the tension between you feeling like static electricity.

Kiss me, Jin. Just kiss me. Kiss me, kiss me, kiss me! You hoped that perhaps he would be telepathic and hear you yelling at him with your mind. Perhaps he was...

His lips leaned in, the same lips you had been watching so closely all evening, and pressed to lightly on yours, testing the waters.

Almost immediately, you apply a little pressure to mould your lips together. You feel one of his hands tangle in your hair as you stand up straight, coming away from leaning against the doorframe. You place a hand on his chest, as he deepens the kiss with his free hand on your waist. The space between you is now minimal, Jin's broad shoulders and height almost engulfing you.

"Maybe you'd like to stay..." you said as you pulled away, looking up into his eyes. "For one last drink?" Jin only nodded, crushing his lips on yours and pushing you back into your apartment. He shut the door behind him, before resuming another very heated kiss.

"I-I don't have any wine in," you say, breathing heaving between kisses.

"I'm not thirsty," he confesses, continuing to back you into your apartment towards the door he assumed was your bedroom.

Along the way you shed him of his tuxedo jacket, the heavy material landing with a thud along the floor somewhere. You were working on his bow tie when the backs of your legs hit the bed. With the tie discarded you made light work of his shirt buttons, untucking it from his slacks but as you tried to pull it off him, he pushed your shoulders down. Your balance faltered and you hit the bed, Jin immediately between your legs and hovering above you, his bare chest inches away and his lips on your neck.

You had always loved neck kisses, the tickle of them so playful until he reached that weak spot where your neck met your shoulder. You let out a shaky breath, a small moan following much like the ones you made to tease him earlier.

His hand found its way to your thigh, slipping between the slit of your dress that he'd been eyeing up most of the evening. Finally, he could touch the skin, caress, stroke you and feel you. He slid his hand further up your thigh, wanting nothing more than to strip your clothing and get as close to you as humanly possible.

His fingertips grazed over the material of your underwear, the lycra of them somewhat unexpected to Jin.

"Hang on..." he says, a playful and yet confused tone to his voice. Realisation dawned on you as he rose to his knees attempting to lift the skit of your dress past your hips for a better look at what he had felt. You try to stop him, to push your dress back down but it's too late; it's around your hips.

You cheeks flush and you cover your face with your hands.

"What on earth are these?" he laughs, running his finger along the seem.

"No, I forgot I was- fuck! I was gonna change!"

"No, no, don't. I like them," he teases, pinging the waistband of your ridiculously huge control top panties against your stomach. You giggle, hiding your face out of embarrassment. "So sexy, y/n," he leans forward and kisses you again, grinding his hips against the lycra. The feeling sends a bolt of electricity through your spine, a gush of arousal forming at your core. "I'm sorry, but I have to have another look," he jokes, shuffling down again.

"No, stop!" you laugh, trying to pull him back up to you.

"No need to be embarrassed, darling. I'm wearing something quite similar myself." You laugh at his obvious lie. "Here look, I'll show you," he stands off the edge of the bed, kicking his shoes off and unzipping his slacks, pushing them down to reveal... completely normal boxer shorts.

"Liar!" you accuse, still giggling.

"Well, I suppose, but it got my trousers off..." he grins, diving towards you again and planting his lips along the cleavage above the bust of your dress. "So tell me..." he plants more kisses, "why were you wearing such enormous panties?"

"They're control top panties, Jin..." He plants more kisses across your chest. "My dress bunched around my tummy, so I wore them to flatten it down."

"Control top, eh?" he hovers over your face, smirking down at your through his glasses. "I consider myself to be quite the control top myself," his eyebrow lifts as his tone turns low and laced with filthy double entendre.

You have no time to respond to him, as he sits up to pull the enormous panties off you, sliding them down your legs followed by a trail of peppered kisses all the way down to your ankle, before he throws the panties across the room. His hands roam up your thighs, caressing the flesh and sliding up under your skirt to your hips, grabbing hold of your curves.

One hand moved down, towards where you needed him most. He traced a finger through your folds, feeling the wetness that had gathered at the excitement of previous actions. With his finger coated in your arousal, he brings it up to your lips and presses past them, making you taste yourself on his finger.

"So pretty," he almost whispers, before he's popping that finger out of your mouth and diving it back through your folds, circling over your swollen clit. Your chest heaves with the deep breaths you take to keep yourself calm, a groan slipping past your lips that Jin can't help but let get to him. His cock is practically twitching in his boxers, begging for contact but like he had said before; he was a control top, a dom. He wanted to get you worked up before he let his own desires take over.

"How does it feel, y/n? Hmm?" he asks, his lips hovering over yours as his finger work magic on your clit, swirling around and around... You don't answer, simply moan out another guttural moan that rocks through him.

Suddenly he lands his palm against your mound, slapping harshly. You cry out, the pain a sharp contrast to the bliss you were feeling before.

"How does it feel, y/n?" he asks again, resuming his earlier motions.

"S-so good.. It feels so good," you stutter.

"Good girl," he praises. He dips his finger further into your folds, toying with your entrance and slipping one finger down to the knuckle, before pulling out and assaulting your clit again. "What do you want, y/n? Tell me."

"Y-your fingers, Jin... Please, I-I need them inside," you squirm, breathes so shallow. He obliges, dipping two fingers into your pussy this time and curling them, hitting the spot inside that you needed the most. You cry out, the feeling too much.

"Would you like me to make you cum, y/n?" he asks, his fingers working miracles inside you. You fail to answer him again, moaning unintelligibly. This time his free hand slaps harshly at your thigh, making the chub jiggle and ripple and leaving a red hand print.

"Yes!" you yelped immediately, lovely the pain but wanting so badly to please, "Please, please... make me cum!"

"There, not so hard, is it?" he smirks, the pace of his fingers quickening. You feel a familiar heat building in your stomach, crawling up your body and flushing on your cheeks. You're moaning, but it's not enough for Jin. He wants you screaming, writhing under his touch.

Without taking his fingers out of you, he dips his head down, using his tongue to lap at the bundle of nerves he had slapped moments ago. The extra sensation coupled with the fingers he was abusing your cunt with felt incredible. Your body twisted against the mattress, Jin trying his best to keep you grounded with his spare hand.

"J-Jin... fuck, it feels good. Oh my GOD, it feel so, so good," you can't stop babbling, moans and groans erupting from deep within you. Whatever Jin was doing to you, it was nothing like any of the men you had slept with before. Nothing.

He uses his whole mouth on you, those plump lips, his tongue... And his fingers; he's been keeping up the pace, fiercely tapping and pumping against your walls.

You can feel it, the urge to tip over the edge, to let yourself be taken over with pleasure getting closer and closer, the tightness in your abdomen becoming excruciating. You're trying to hold off, for what you don't know, but it's getting increasingly difficult, until...

"What? What the hell?" Your head snaps up to see Jin grinning, licking the mess of you from his fingers and grinning as he does so. You were so close...

"Something the matter, sweetheart?"

"Why did you stop?" you ask, breathless. He smirks, leaning over you again to hover his lips above your own.

"Control..." he teased.

He stood up, removing his boxers, socks and the open shirt he had yet to take off, revealing himself in all his glory. Annoyingly, he had the chiseled body of a greek marble statue. One of those little self-conscious moments revealed itself to you as you looked at him; toned chest, taught abs, thick thighs and... well, an impressively large package.

Fuck it, you told yourself. He likes you. He likes your body. Let him see it. Let him fuck it.

You rolled the dress up past your hips where the skirt had bunched, lifting it over your breasts and head to throw it to one side. Just the strapless bra left, you unclasped it and threw that somewhere too, not caring where it landed.

"Wow..." he muses, licking his lips as his eyes scan over you; every curve, every roll, every bump... "Incredible."

"Then why are you still just staring?" you tease. You spread your legs for him, giving him the perfect view of what he wanted to take so badly. "Come and get me."

He wastes no more time, crawling over you and smashing his lips to yours. His teeth graze your lips, biting down on the bottom to force them open enough to push his tongue in. You can feel him, his cock brushing up against your glistening slit, your pussy aching at the denial of your orgasm.

"Ask me nicely..." he says between kisses, grinding his hips into you. He was completely in control, just how he liked it.

"Please, Jin..."

"What?"

"Please fuck me. I need it." You really did.

Jin snaked a hand around his length, positioning himself to line up with your entrance before slowly, pushing into you until his hips met yours, skin on skin.

"Shit," he hisses, relishing in the warm, wet feeling of you stretching around him. That first thrust is always his favourite, he savours it every time.

Soon he starts thrusting his hips slowly into you, filling you so well you groan at the feeling. His fingers start to dig in to your hips, his nails scratching at the skin. It feels so good, the mixture of pain and pleasure something that you made a note to yourself to explore more with Jin in future.

With every thrust he's brushing up again that spot he found inside you, that familiar tightness growing in your stomach once again. You prayed this time he would let you cum; one denial was enough, surely?

With every thrust, your resolve weakened further and further.

"Oh, fuck... y/n," he groaned, sweat forming on his brow and chest. "You're amazing, god the way you jiggle as I fuck you... I love it," he spoke through gritted teeth, pleasure and lust overwhelming him all at one. "You're so beautiful, so so beautiful..." One hand caressed your cheek, pushing a strand of hair away from your face that had stuck to you with sweat.

"J-Jin... it feels so... ah!" he thrusts particularly hard, making you cry out.

"D-do you know how long I wanted this, y/n? How long I waited to ask you out?" he asks, his hips wildly pounding into yours, skin slapping on skin.

"J-Jin, I'm gonna..."

"Not yet... wait," he scorns, "Months, I waited to ask you out. I was... so busy, the band... oh fuck, I thought about you all the time. All the fucking time," he groaned, his own end getting closer and closer...

"J-Jin, please... can I cum...?" you sob, tears forming at the edges of your eyes. You're sure your make up has smudged but what kind of fucks did you give right now, with a man like Kim Seokjin filling you up?

"Cum for me, baby. Cum on me..." he commanded. Another few hard thrusts, and you did just that.

Clenching your walls against his cock, your orgasm rocketed through your body like a chemical reaction; fast and explosive. Your muscles convulsed as you squeezed your eyes shut tight, crying out an unintelligible string of expletives. Jin held your thighs close to his hips, still thrusting his hips to guide you through it. He made sure that you felt everything; every oversensitive little spark, every thrust of his hips. He needed you to feel as much as you possibly could.

But he was losing control of himself too, watching you hit every high you could. He'd never been so turned on, never felt so good as you clenched around him and writhed in front of him, squeezing your thighs against him as he pulled you as close as he could.

Just as you were starting to come down, his orgasm raged through him. Hot, white strings of cum erupted from him, filling you up as he lost his rhythm. His thrusts were as hard as he could make them, the strength spilling from his body whilst his body performed its own chemical reaction.

The both of you came down together, out of breath, sweaty and totally exhausted. He collapsed onto you, burying his head in your cleavage and hiding his face as he caught his breath. You giggled, looking at him through your fucked out eyes laying sprawled out on you. Both your bodies were hot and sweaty, but Jin found comfort in the extra pounds you had.

"God, you're so soft..." he groans, nestling into you.

"J-Jin, can you get off my tits?" you giggled, pushing him to lay next to you rather than on you. You were far too hot for that right now. Far too sweaty...

"Sorry... so comfy..." his controlling mannerisms seems to have ejected from his body the second his cum did. Now, he was acting a fool again, the playful and stupid Jin you first started crushing on.

"You're cute," you giggle, turning onto your side to face him.

"You're beautiful," he grinned, completely silly and yet completely sincere. "I meant it you know. I have wanted to ask you out for so long. You're just... perfect, y/n."

"Hmmm, yeah. I am perfect," you grin. "But you, Mr. Kim, are the eighth damn wonder of the world." He laughs at that.

"Am I that good in bed, huh?" he joked.

"Absolutely," you grinned, placing a kiss on his lips.

"I'm glad you think so," he sat up, pulling you until you lay over him, straddling his hips. "Because I'm just getting started..."

lenny/midge please? 'when i first saw you, the end was soon'

And the award for most cheerful prompt goes to...

Set a couple of years in the future.  Trigger warnings for drug references.  Loosely based on historical events.  Do I have to warn for swearing in a Lenny and Midge fic or is that just assumed?

I’m still finding my feet with these two.  Feedback is much appreciated.

@phoenixwrites @letmetellyouaboutmyfeels tagging you for obvious reasons.

“I needed a ride home because I didn’t have my wallet.  That doesn’t mean you’re obligated to cook for me.  I’ll be a good little boy.  No booze, nothing up my nose.“

II

“Do you know what I thought the first time I saw you in front of a room?”  Lenny was in the passenger seat, half slumped against the door.  She had the heater on despite the fact that it was June in California, but he was still shivering.

“That I was a lightweight in addition to being a complete mess?”  Two hits from a joint and she’d not only completely forgotten to introduce the band, but she’d committed the sin of getting too serious during a set.

“I thought there she is, finally.  It’s going to be okay when I’m done because she’s there and she’d just getting started.  You stood up there and you were real.”  He held up his hand and gestured at the window as if pointing to a stage that was three thousand miles away and years in the past.  “And I knew that arrest wasn’t an anomaly.  You were going to take on the world and you were going to be a hell of a lot better at it than I was.”

“Do you have an oven?”  She hated California traffic.  If she was in New York she could have just relied on cabs but they were rare around here and cost too much when everything was miles apart and so she’d rented a car.  In the moment, though, she was glad to have something else to focus on.  

“Do I have a what?”  For just a moment he sounded like himself, not the shadow that had called her from the hospital.  He’d repeated himself twice before she’d realized it was him.

“An oven.  You’re renting a place, right?  My hotel doesn’t have an oven.”

“I think they’re pretty standard in a kitchen and I have one of those.  Midge…”

“I’m making a brisket.  We’ll stop at the store when I see one and pick up a few things.  You can stay in the car if you want but a little walking would be good for you and I don’t know what you like and what you hate.  For eating.  I don’t see you eat very much, you know?  We’ve shared what, half a dozen meals together and half of those were pretzels and nuts.”  ‘When I’m done’ he said, and she was talking like if she said enough she could stop hearing the echo of it in her head.  He could have been done last night, according to the nurse.  

“I needed a ride home because I didn’t have my wallet.  That doesn’t mean you’re obligated to cook for me.  I’ll be a good little boy.  No booze, nothing up my nose.  Just me and my bed for the rest of the day.”  He struggled to sit up in the seat.

“You’re too thin and you need some red meat.”  Midge pulled into the parking lot of the first grocery store she saw.  “Oh fuck, you just made me sound like a Jewish yenta.”

“The last thing I think of when I see you is yenta.”

“Sure.”  No, he thought of her as caring on a tradition or some shit that let him off the hook.  “Are you coming in?”

“Why not.”  She often thought of Lenny as dancing, even before the first time they’d been on the dance floor together.  He seemed to glide as he moved, to sway, nothing so banal as just walking.  As they walked through the parking lot his steps were almost mechanical, as if he was trying to remember how humans moved.  She nodded to the carts; maybe having something to hold onto would help him.

She’d forgotten it was Valentine’s Day.  The moment they walked through the doors they were assaulted by red and pink hearts, sales on steak, and plastic cupids ‘flying’ precariously over the produce department.  Great.  She was twice divorced (from the same man) very single, and stupidly in love with a man who apparently thought of her as his replacement.

“The brisket will take hours so I’m getting some chicken soup.  I hope their deli has a decent one.  We need carrots and potatoes.  You should have some fruit too; I hear oranges are good out here.”  She pushed the cart through the produce department first, adding apples as well.  Some lettuce too, for a salad with dinner.

“Midge.”

“If I know you there’s probably not much in your fridge.  We should get some milk and some cheese.  And we’ll get some crackers, those are good when your stomach is upset.  How do you feel about Jell-o?”  She led him to the meat department so she could get the brisket.  

“Midge.”

“I prefer a butcher for my meat, they know their cuts better, but sometimes you just have to settle.”  At least the man behind the counter seemed to know what he was doing.  

“Miriam.”  She couldn’t ignore him with a hand on her arm.  Couldn’t move forward.

“This is where you want to do this, Lenny?  Here, surrounded by yogurt and paper hearts and discount packages of frozen vegetables?  What do you want me to say, though I’m okay with you trying to kill yourself because hey, I’ll be around to pick up the pieces and my life will suck the moment I get that phone call but at least I will have something to talk about when I’m on stage?”  It was so goddamn cold.  Someone needed to change the settings on the refrigerators before the milk started freezing.  Midge reached for the cart but stopped herself.  “Make your own damn brisket if that’s how you feel because fuck you.  I lived my life for a man once and I am never doing that again.  This is my life.  I’m not here to replace you or continue your act or whatever the hell it is that you want.”

It wasn’t hard to pull away from him, breaking his hold.  His hand was trembling.  “I’m not trying to kill myself.”

“You’re not trying to not kill yourself either.”  He’d lost too much weight, his clothes hanging off him.  The shadows under his eyes spoke of a lot more than a missed night of sleep.  Heroin, the nurse had said.  From her own experience there was alcohol too, and marijuana.  And missed meals.

“I just need a break from all this.”  His hand fluttered near his forehead.  “It makes the world stop for a little while.”

“Ma’am, someone reported a disturbance back here.  Is this man bothering you?”  A man in a very bad sweater vest and a name tag that said “Manager Chip” approached them.  Midge almost laughed.  Disturbance?  He didn’t know the half of it.

“We’re fine,” she lied.  “My husband is just out of the hospital after a bomb exploded in his office and he’s a little hard of hearing still.”

“Yes ma’am.  Sorry to bother you.”

“A bomb?”  Lenny cocked his head to the side.

“Would you have preferred syphilis?” She sighed.  “We should go.  Leave the cart, someone will sort it out.”

“I’ve heard stories of this brisket of yours.  Legends.  I’d like to see if it lives up to the rumors.”

“Lenny.”  He was smiling for the first time since she’d seen him six months ago in Chicago.  That damn grin of his, the one she never saw on stage but only when they were alone, was a curse.  It could get her to do almost anything.

“You’re no one’s second act, Midge.  I didn’t mean it to sound like that.”

“You’re not replaceable.  Not on stage and not off it either.”  She’d been using Lenny Bruce as a measuring stick since she’d seen him in college.  It wasn’t fair to him, and really wasn’t fair to other men, but somehow he’d become a part of the center of her universe.  She either needed to pull away completely or she needed to stop hiding from it.  “I don’t want to lose you.”

“You’re too good for me, Midge.”

“That is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard you say.  You can decide to be my friend or you can tell me to fuck off.  You can be my lover or you can tell me you’re not interested.  Decide for yourself but you don’t get to decide for me.”

“I can’t promise you a future, I don’t know how much I have in me.”  It scared her to know that he only spoke the brutal truth.

“I’m not asking for promises.  I’m asking for you to sit at a table and eat soup while I make dinner.  I’m asking you to sleep in a bed and tomorrow we’ll see if this town has anything that passes as a deli.  And maybe, if you want, you can talk to me a little.  We’re pretty good at not talking to each other, maybe it’s time we try something different.”

“How novel.”  He closed his eyes for a moment.  The soup might need to wait until he’d had a nap first.

“I’m not just getting started anymore, Lenny.  I’ve been around the block.  I know enough to know what I want and what I can handle.”  She grabbed the cart.  They needed to get out of the grocery store.  Melting down on stage was enough without adding grocery stores to the list.

“You can tell I feel like crap because I don’t have a single joke ready for what I’d like you to handle.”

“I’ll give you a twenty-four hour grace period.  You can give me your best joke tomorrow.”  Thank God she didn’t have a show tonight.  

“Tomorrow.  Yeah, okay, I can do that.”  He walked next to her, hands in his pockets.  “Don’t forget the Jell-O.  I like the green one.  But if there are any vegetables in there I won’t eat it.”

“How do you feel about pineapple?”  

“I wouldn’t object.”  They stopped in the baking aisle for Jell-O and a cake mix.  One of the paper hearts had fallen; she didn’t see it until she’d rolled over it with the cart.  It felt like the setup for a joke in her act.  She hoped it wasn’t a sign.

“Let’s go home.”

Jin Scenario: You break up due to hateful comments from fans (angst with a happy ending)

You had been dating Jin for a few months now. Everything was going great. You literally were living the dream millions of army had all over the world. Jin spotted you at a fan sign, and absolutely fell in love with you. The way you giggled at his jokes, praised him for his vocals and dancing. He thought you were so incredibly cute how was he not supposed to fall for you? When you walked in with your RJ head band and t shirt with his name on it, he just knew he couldn’t let this be the last time he talked to you. He had written his number in your album when he signed it. You thought you were dreaming, still not fully believing that Jin had actually given you his number. Your bias, the man you had been pining after for the last 6 years but never thought in a million years you would ever meet, let alone get his number.

Taehyung always use to joke that you two were soul mates. The way you two just instantly clicked, your personalities nearly identical to one another. There was never a dull moment with you two. After he had announced you two were dating, the response from fans was mostly positive. Of course there were a few hateful comments but that was to be expected. However as the months went on and people saw that Jin was serious about staying with you, the hateful comments became more frequent. After reading that he was too good for you one too many times you started to believe it. Jin came home from the studio to find you standing the living room sobbing loudly with your suitcase trailing behind you.

“Jagi, stop where are you going what’s going on?”

“They’re right Jin. You can do so much better than me. I’m a nobody. I don’t mean anything and I am just holding you back from your career. I’m leaving.” He immediately runs over to you and grabs the suitcase out of your hand, tossing it to the side. He wraps you up in his arms and hugs you tightly to him. You feel the top of your head dampening with his tears.

“Don’t you ever listen to those comments y/n. They are from jealous people that have nothing better to do than try to ruin our lives. Please, I can’t live without you don’t leave me.” You tighten your grip around his waist, nuzzling into his shirt.

“I realized I can’t live without you either Jin. I was standing in the living room for 15 minutes crying before you walked in the door. I couldn’t bring myself to actually leave..” He pulls away from you and kisses you passionately. 

“Good. Because I love you y/n. I love you so much. All of the members love you too. They would be so sad if you left, you’re a part of our family now. Promise me you won’t ever leave.” You smile at him and take his hand to go lay back down in bed with him. That night he holds you so close you can’t move. Not that you mind, it’s in his arms that you feel safe, comforted. And there is no place else you’d rather be. Right before you fall asleep, you mumble

“I promise.” Jin kisses you softly on the top of your head before falling asleep himself. 

You take Jin’s advice and stay off of social media for a while until the hate dies down. You had to stay up late to finish some work and decided to walk to the cafe down the road to grab a coffee before they closed. It was dark, but you both lived in a nicer area of Seoul so you didn’t feel concerned. On the way to the cafe you got a weird feeling, you couldn’t shake the feeling that someone was following you. When you walked by a side street you felt someone grab your hair and yank you down to the ground. You looked up to be met with the sight of someone wearing a mask. You went to scream for help but they immediately shoved a hand over your mouth muffling your cries. 

“You better break up with Jin. You don’t deserve him. You’re distracting him from what he loves most, his singing, and his fans. I followed you from your apartment so I know where you live now. Unless you want to be constantly looking over your shoulder every time you go out, I suggest you leave. Tonight.” The person shoves you backwards and you hit your head on the concrete. Your vision blurs for a moment. You try to blink it away and when your vision finally clears you see that whoever they are have left. You burst into tears. You’ve reached your breaking point. You love Jin, with all your being but if it risks your personal safety every time you leave the house, if you can’t even go on social media without seeing a hate comments towards you, you don’t know if you can deal with it anymore. You run back to your apartment, quickly collecting your things into a suitcase, finally having the determination to leave. You write a note for Jin before you go, your tears staining the page and causing the ink to run. You leave it on his pillow before grabbing your purse and running out the door.

“Baby! I brought your favorite dinner home. I thought we could watch a new TV show together.” Jin gets no response and realizes the apartment sounds eerily silent. He doesn’t see your purse or keys sitting on the table where you usually leave them.

“Y/n?” No response. He walks into the bedroom, sees the bed completely made up and your side of the closet empty. When he sees the note on his pillow, he already knows. He picks the letter up and reads it.

I’m so sorry Jin. But I can’t do this anymore. The comments were already pushing me over the edge, but being attacked is a completely different story. I’m sorry for breaking my promise. But you’re better off without me. -Y/n

Jin doesn’t cry. He doesn’t feel anything. He feels numb. The world goes quiet around him as he lets your words sink in. It isn’t until he goes back into the kitchen and sees the meal sitting on the table that he ordered for the both of you that he finally breaks down. He collapses on the floor, hugging his knees tightly to his chest and sobbing into them. He feels like he is literally falling apart, and that terrifies him. He picks up his phone and tries to call you, only to have your phone go straight to voicemail. He calls again, and again. Just wanting to hear your voice every time the answering machine picks up. When he realizes you aren’t going to answer, he immediately calls Namjoon.

“Joon…” 

“Jin?! What’s wrong what happened?”

“It’s y/n she.. she’s gone. She left. Oh god Namjoon what am I going to do I can’t live without her she’s my everything.” 

“I’m coming over.”

Namjoon gets there way too fast but Jin can’t bring himself to scold him for speeding. He tells him everything, and shows him the note you wrote. 

“I’m so sorry Jin. But y/n is probably just scared right now. I see how much she loves you. She isn’t going to be gone for good. Trust me.”

“She took everything Namjoon. Her clothes, her makeup, everything is gone. It’s like she was never here.” Namjoon looks around and spots the photo of you two on the nightstand. He brings it over and places it in his lap.

“She’ll be back Jin. Just have faith, okay?”

The media was blowing up about your breakup, most of the responses were positive. Stating that things were better this way. You couldn’t help but agree with them. You were miserable, there was absolutely no doubting that. But Jin deserved better, that’s what you kept telling yourself. You spent 2 weeks barely moving from your bed. You couldn’t bring yourself to. You were so overwhelmed with sadness and not a day went by that Jin didn’t try to contact you. He sent you text messages often, reminding you to eat, to get enough sleep. His kindness and determination not to forget about you broke your heart even more. When you checked your message this morning you saw another one from him.

I hope to see you at the award show tonight. Even if you don’t want to see me, at least go to support the rest of the members. They miss you and love you just as much as I do. 

You sigh heavily and throw your phone off the bed, hearing it smack against the wall. He had gave you a ticket to this award show before you had left him. Why is he making this so hard for you? A few seconds later you hear your phone chime again. Your curiosity gets the better of you and you see a message from Taehyung.

Please come tonight. We all miss you. 

Your guilt was eating away at you and you finally decided you would go. You weren’t going to talk to them, but you were at least going to go to show your silent support and also to see the other groups you liked perform. Just because you two broke up didn’t mean you couldn’t have a good time. You started to get ready, making sure to wear a mask on your face in case anyone would recognize you as ‘the monster that broke Jin’s heart.” Oh yeah, that was actually a comment you had read this morning. Like you needed more of a reminder of how badly you were hurting and you had hurt him. 

You arrived at the show pretty early. You had a very nice view of the stage, but your semi good mood quickly turned to panic when you realized that the boys were sitting only a few rows in front of you. You could see seats with reserved signs and their names on the back. You immediately stood up and went to go leave the venue, suddenly realizing what a horrible idea this was. In your rush to leave you didn’t notice you had accidentally wandered back to a restricted area for the artists. When you turned the corner there was someone coming your way as well. You ran smack into them, quickly apologizing. You look up and are looking into the warm brown eyes that belong to none other than Jimin. 

“Y/n?” You freeze when he says your name. “Oh my god, y/n it really is you!” You see his normally kind, and cheerful eyes fill with tears as he yanks you into his arms. “Why did you leave?! Did you not think we could have helped to protect you from the fans? We all loved you, we all miss you and we all have been hurting since you left what were you thinking? Do you even have any idea how upset Jin was been?!” You can’t help but break down in front of him. Jimin was always the one you felt closest to next to Jin. He always seemed to know just how to cheer you up, and knew what you were feeling without even having to tell him.

“I-I’m sorry Jimin I was scared. I was so so scared I didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t want to leave but I felt like I had no other choice. I didn’t want to be looking over my shoulder every time I went out to do anything on my own.”

“We could have given you body guards. Hell one of us could have went with you.”

“I didn’t want to be burden.” Jimin finally pulls away, his hand tightly gripping your shoulders as he looks you dead in the eye.

“Don’t ever say that or think that about yourself. You’re not a burden. You never were. Please y/n.. Just come back.” 

“I can’t Jimin. Jin probably hates me-”

“No, I don’t.” The sound of his voice instantly makes your heart break all over again. You can’t bring yourself to turn around and face him. You can feel him approach you and place a hand on your shoulder.

“Y/n please look at me.” You shake your head and hide your face into Jimin’s chest.

“I don’t deserve to see you right now Jin.”

“Y/n, please.” Hearing how broken he sounds and how is voice is starting to crack makes you finally take a deep breath and look at him. There are tears steaming down his face as he looks at you, like he still can’t believe you’re here in front of him. He smiles at you, and takes both of your hands and wraps then around his waist. He kisses your forehead. 

“Jin, stop please.” He cuts off whatever you are going to say next with a kiss to your lips. The moment your lips touch his you are reminded of just how strong your feelings are for him. If he didn’t have such a tight grip on you then you would have dropped to the floor almost instantly.

“Jin I am so sorry.” You break down sobbing and he gently shushes you as he cards his fingers through your hair.

“I missed you y/n.”

“I missed you too Jin. I should have just talked to you and I shouldn’t have left.”

“But you’re back now and that’s all that matters. Right? You are going to come home?” You pull away and look at him. The hope that you see behind his eyes, you know that you can’t leave him. Why did you ever think that you would be able to make it without him?

“I, want to come home. If you’ll allow me too.” 

“You will always be my home y/n. That will never change.”

Click, Click

Chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4 , 5 , 6 , 7

Chapter Eight

When Woozi first made his instagram he made it right after you spammed Vernon’s instagram account with attention. You knew that there was no correlation but you still noted that it did, in fact, happen right after you did that. He posted one picture, and you were sure that would be about it. Everyone was sure he wouldn’t be active on Instagram.

You were walking with your friend, a Minghao bias and you started to spam his account, leaving comments on almost every picture. Moments later and Woozi had posted five pictures of lights.

It was nearly three in the morning in Korea at the time.

You spammed Seungkwan’s instagram account with attention because of course the crackheaded boy was one of your favorites, and by the time you had woken up the next day Woozi posted four pictures of him painting.

The idea that Woozi was doing any of this in direct correlation to you was absolutely ridiculous, and quite honestly you didn’t really think that he was. Still, the more you got to know Woozi, the more that you wondered how much he knew that he wasn’t telling you.

You were at the grocery store again and you ran into Seokmin. He recognized you immediately.

“Hey, I’m so glad  I ran into you!” He said politely. You dropped into a low polite bow and gave him a gentle smile.

“I should make a checklist of Seventeen members I run into on these streets, I’ve almost made it through the whole group,” you joked politely. Seokmin laughed.

“Look this is important, there’s an award show tonight-”

“One of the M-Net countdown’s right? Gfriend and you are both performing,” you agreed. “I think even Oneus is going to be there.”

“You’ve got to be there,” Seokmin agreed. “Woozi is beyond nervous. He’s been reading a lot of hate comments, and if we don’t win tonight… He’ll want to see you there.”

“Right yeah,” you agreed, you squeezed your hands anxiously behind your back. “But how-”

“I’ll work it all out, don’t worry,” he assured. You nodded and then tilted your head.

“Can I… Can I see him before the concert?” You asked tentatively. Seokmin pressed his lips together tightly, seeming to think it over. Then he nodded.

“Follow my lead.”

He dressed you up in a face mask with “uwu” written across it, a jeweled cat ear headband, one of those “eat, sleep, kpop” shirts in all Korean and shorts and thigh highs.

You didn’t mind the shorts and thigh highs, but you did look like a huge koreaboo.

You didn’t know why this was the best way to get you in to see Woozi but…

“This is the fangirl that won that contest to meet the idols behind the competition today!” Seokmin announced. All eyes were on you, and it made your face burn. This was not the first impression you had wanted to make before some of your favorite kpop groups. You ducked your head politely as Seokmin dragged you around the room.

You kept your heart in check and introduced yourself politely to the idols, telling them honestly just how much every one of them meant to you. You nearly fainted when you got to meet a handful of the idols there, to the point where Seokmin elbowed you to remind you why you were really there. As if you could forget that.

“He’s in the dressing room,” Seokmin finally decided. He pressed his eyes shut and squeezed the bridge of his nose. “Look, he’s going to act unhappy to see you-”

“I’ve got this,” you interrupted confidently. “No need for a pep talk. Just let me see him.”

Seokmin gestured for you to go into the room and so you did.

Jihoon was the only one in there. He had earbuds in his ears and a mostly blank look on his face. The only thing that gave away that he was in any way nervous was his hands.

In Going Seventeen when the music video for Home first dropped, you had gotten to see a few of the boys watching it. At the same time as you had, you had been ecstatic. You had been ecstatic until your eyes fell on Woozi. His hands were what caught your attention. He was watching the video with a totally nonchalant look on his face but his hands were nervously entangled among one another, squeezing each other to no end. That was the first time that you noticed one of the boys nervous quirks.

He was doing it now.

You squatted down in front of him and tilted your head, a smile crossing your face. Your eyes met, and you mouthed a hi.

He didn’t smile at you, just took his earbuds from his ears.

“How did you get here?” He asked. You shrugged.

“DK,” you replied thoughtfully. “You excited for the big concert?”

Jihoon looked away from you and didn’t speak.

“Wooz, the song is incredible, you know that? Do you know exactly how talented you and the rest of the boys are?”

He still didn’t speak to you, his hands kept squeezing each other, so you slid into the space next to him.

“There are going to be people who don’t like your music, and there are going to be groups that make better songs than you do,” you admitted. “Sometimes songs that are great aren’t going to win the awards they deserve or get the attention they deserve but you know what’s great about being a member of Seventeen?”

Still, Woozi wasn’t really speaking, you could tell he was tired. You wondered how late he had stayed up the night before… You remembered a video of him at the idol Olympics, laying his head on whoever would let him. You draped an arm over his shoulders and his head lolled over onto your shoulder.

“You have Carats to back you up. When you don’t win a show that you deserved to win we will be behind you telling you that the song was incredible, when another group beats you in a competition we will tell you just how much you deserved to win. Every producer has their hits and misses, you aren’t going to win every time you take a shot and someday you may make a mistake and write a song that a lot of people don’t like. That’s okay, but this song isn’t one of those. This song is insanely good. You deserve to win.”

Jihoon tentatively raised his head a bit to look you in the eyes. You gave him a smile.

“I don’t usually like songs when they first come out that are by my favorite groups. I didn’t like Boy with Luv or Idol when it first dropped and I’m supposed to be a BTS fan,” you admitted. “When Home came out, god I wanted to cry every time I heard it. The sound was completely different than anything I had ever really expected from you guys and it made me cry every time I heard it cause it just made me feel so… safe.”

Jihoon rested his head on your shoulder again.

“I’m sorry I haven’t been sleeping,” he mumbled.

“You’ll start sleeping regularly again soon,” You replied softly. “Anyways, I should probably leave you soon, you’re going to do amazing you know that?”

Jihoon didn’t move his head.

“I can't believe you came,” he murmured.

“If I know you need someone I will always try to be there for you,” you replied thoughtfully.

You had honestly said that to a lot of people, and to every person you had ever said it to you had meant it, but it was something different to say it to Jihoon. Your cheeks were warm from a small flush, and your heartbeat had slowed to match your calm demeanor. You were never calm when you were this close to other guys. You were never this calm when someone was laying on you or using you for emotional support.

You glanced down at Jihoon and found that he had shifted his head to look up at you. You gave him a curious look, his face was bright red.

“Are you alright?” You asked. You urgently placed your hand on his forehead. “God, tell me you aren’t running a fever. Jihoon I-“

“I’m not, I’m not,” Jihoon mumbled back. “I was… just thinking about how pretty you look.”

You weren’t sure how to respond to that. You couldn’t hide your face or anything because Jihoon was laying on you, and you couldn’t really manage to hide the way that your cheeks now matched his in color. Instead, you just looked at him and smiled.

“Hey Jihoon, am I allowed to kiss you?”

A short smile crossed Jihoon’s lips and he raised his head to press his lips to yours.

Neither of you had much experience kissing, so logically you knew the kiss was sloppy and awkward at best. Still, the more you two did it, the better you got, and the longer your lips were pressed together, the more reluctant you were to pull away.

This time, you two weren’t interrupted. Jihoon pulled away, and both of you took the time to catch your breaths.

“Well now I know we are going to win,” Jihoon joked. “If a kiss from you isn’t good luck, I don’t know what is.”

You lightly hit Jihoon’s shoulder.

“Shut up,” you mumbled, embarrassed. Then after only a moment, you stood up, brushing yourself off. “I should go, you should be getting ready to perform.”

Jihoon waved at you as you walked to the door, he didn’t say anything. You could see his nerves returning in the way he watched you walk away. You gave him a large goofy smile and raised both of your arms, closing your hands into fists.

“Fighting.”

He laughed as you left the room. It was nice to hear.

Chapter Nine

Instinct - Binhwan

Fulfilled Request!!  If you have any requests, send me a message or an ask! Anons welcome! Only M/M pairings, but I’ll write just about anyone! :)

Pairing: Binhwan (Hanbin/Jinhwan) Mentioned: Bobby/Junhoe

Summary: “Everyone in the world orbited around Hanbin like he was the sun which Jinhwan had to admit he kind of was.”

Or, the fic where Jinhwan is jealous of all the attention Hanbin gets and he’s not exactly sure why.

Warning: I took a lot of liberties with this, changing up Ikon’s dorm and such for the sake of the fic. There’s also quite a bit of swearing at one point. Blame Bobby. He’s the potty mouth here. lol

Word Count: 11,381 (This got out of hand)

Rating: T

“Hyung…”

Jinhwan’s eyes flicked up from the dinner he was preparing in the kitchen floor.

He could see across the dorm into the living room where Chanwoo was whining to someone. Upon second glance, he realized that someone was their leader.

Hanbin was seated on the couch with a laptop in his lap. Jinhwan was sure he was working hard on song lyrics or song production of some sort though it was their day off and he should be relaxing like the rest of them. Jinhwan worried about the other members not resting enough, not eating enough, not drinking enough water.

He worried about everything. It was his job as dorm mother.

“Hyung…” Chanwoo whined again as he flopped onto the couch and curled against Hanbin’s left arm.

Hanbin stopped typing for a moment and Jinhwan saw a little smile peeking out at the corner of his mouth.

Everyone loved Hanbin, though the leader didn’t always see that. The hateful comments from the antis always outweighed the loving ones from the fans. The constructive criticism always ate at him more than the compliments fed him.

He could clearly feel Chanwoo’s love now. Jinhwan looked away, chopping vegetables for the soup he’d be making for dinner that evening.

“Hyung, can’t you take a break from work? Everyone else is busy and I want someone to watch anime with me.”

Hanbin giggled.

Jinhwan chopped louder.

“Hyung looks tired. You need a break.”

“Alright.”

Jinhwan could hear the leader’s sigh from the kitchen. It set his teeth on edge.

He stared down at the carrot he was chopping. He heard the sound of their footsteps retreating to Chanwoo’s room down the hall.

He stood to put his vegetables in boiling water, wondering why he felt so peculiar.

He shook his head and focused on the rest of the meal preparation. He didn’t have time to worry over the other members. They were relaxing. He was the one still doing work. Where was someone to worry about him?

 “Hyung, come eat some food.”

Jinhwan was dishing up bowls of soup when he heard Donghyuk’s voice behind him.

He turned, wondering why Donghyuk was addressing him when he was clearly with the food, though he always served himself last.

Donghyuk faced away from him, staring across to the living room where Hanbin had again taking up residence on the couch with his laptop. His anime adventure with Chanwoo lasted thirty minutes.

“Hanbinnie hyung! You need to eat.”

Jinhwan huffed. “Donghyuk, I’m going to serve everyone like I always do, even our leader.”

Donghyuk spun around. “Oh, Jinhwan hyung. I didn’t see you there.”

Jinhwan glared at him. Donghyuk was an actual angel but he felt on edge again. How did he not notice him? Where had he been the entire afternoon?

“I’ll serve everyone,” he repeated.

“I know, but I am worried about Hanbin hyung. He’s been working all day and I want him to eat. I’ll take him some food.”

“I’m here, Donghyuk-ah,” Hanbin ruffled Donghyuk’s hair and a grin spread over the latter’s face.

“Hyung!” He hugged him from the side, still grinning.

Jinhwan turned back to the stove, dipping soup into the last three bowls.

“Hyung, please eat something.”

“I’m going to.”

“I worry about you.”

“Here…” Jinhwan took his own bowl, leaving the others on the counter. He stalked off to his room to eat his dinner. “Serve yourselves tonight.”

“What’s wrong with him?” He heard Hanbin ask as he walked out of the room.

That was a good question.

What was wrong with him?

The last few weeks, he had been getting weirder and weirder where Hanbin was concerned. Everything the leader did seemed to put him on edge. Anyone else interacting with the leader made his jaw tighten.

He had tried to pinpoint a specific event where Hanbin might have wronged him in some way, but he could think of nothing. Hanbin was a great leader, very caring. He always put others before himself.

Jinhwan sulked in his room for the rest of the night.

 Two days later, they were back to work in the studio and practice room. Long hours, close quarters. Not nearly enough food or water.

Tensions were bound to be high, but Jinhwan felt particularly on edge.

During a rare break from practice, he sat in the corner away from everyone, sipping his water.

Observing.

The maknae line was goofing off in the other corner, wasting their precious water, squirting it at each other and then cackling like idiots.

Yunhyeong was lazing against the mirror, nursing his own bottle of water whilst holding a fan in front of his sweat-soaked face.

Then there was Hanbin on the bench with Bobby.

Bobby was seated on the end of the bench while Hanbin stretched out with his head resting on Bobby’s lap. Bobby giggled while he held a bottle of water over Hanbin’s mouth, tipping it slightly so that tiny droplets splashed into the leader’s mouth.

Hanbin wiggled and whined, begging for an actual drink but Bobby held it out of his reach.

Jinhwan rolled his eyes. Hanbin could easily sit up and take the bottle and drink as much as he wanted. Why was he engaged in this idiotic play?!

“Looks like a mating dance.”

Jinhwan jumped and looked up when someone spoke above him.

Junhoe had left the other maknaes and came stand by Jinhwan. “What?”

“The hyungs.” He nodded his head toward Bobby and Hanbin.

Jinhwan turned his head to look like he hadn’t just been staring at them for the past five minutes. “What do you mean?”

“I was just joking around, hyung.”

“No, seriously. What do you mean by that?”

Junhoe laughed and sank down to sit by Jinhwan against the wall. “Well, it just looks like those nature documentaries where you see the goofy birds jumping around in front of the other bird they want to hook up with. Hyung could easily smack Bobby and take that bottle of water, but he just lays there eating up all that attention, just watching Bobby’s mating dance.”

Jinhwan’s jaw clenched tight as he stared at the two of them, seeing the scene from this new perspective. He stood up, glancing down at Junhoe. “You’re an idiot,” he grumbled, walking out of the practice room.

He needed some air. It was too hot in the room.

That’s what he told himself when he needed walls between him and Hanbin.

 Later that night when the practice was finally over and it was far too late for most people to think about eating, the guys were awarded some time to do just that.

The restaurant delivered straight to the dorm and it was waiting for them when they returned from practice. They took turns eating and showering.

Bobby and Hanbin showered first. When they returned, Jinhwan and Donghyuk went. When Jinhwan returned to the kitchen to eat, Donghyuk who’d eaten first went off to bed. Bobby and Hanbin were still seated at the table, looking like they’d hardly touched their food. Something on Bobby’s phone seemed more captivating.

Yunhyeong was nearly asleep on his noodles while Junhoe and Chanwoo scrambled up to take their showers.

Jinhwan got his food and stood near the counter to eat, his eye on Hanbin and Bobby who seemed not to notice that anyone else was in the room.

Bobby had his head on Hanbin’s shoulder as they laughed at something – a video probably – on Bobby’s phone.

Jinhwan had always loved Hanbin’s laughter, but it made his jaw tighten today.

After a particularly loud bout of laughter, Bobby lifted his head to look at Hanbin. He pointed to the screen as if Hanbin might have missed whatever hysterical antic had just taken place.

Hanbin nodded, laughing again.

Bobby’s hand disappeared under the table and Hanbin mirrored his former position – his head resting over on Bobby’s shoulder.

The hair on the back of Jinhwan’s neck stood up as he watched Bobby’s arm moving slowly back and forth. The table blocked his view of his hand and his face grew hot with frustration. What was he doing under there?

He took his food and walked around the table to get a look at them. The wouldn’t notice him, he was sure. If they did, he could pretend that he had wanted to see the video on Bobby’s phone.

Bobby’s hand lay on Hanbin’s thigh, gently stroking it.

Jinhwan had the most immature inclination to pour his japchae over Bobby’s head.

What was wrong with him?

He put his takeaway container into the refrigerator, having eaten almost nothing, and went off to bed.

He fooled himself into thinking a good night’s sleep would rid him of these strange feelings.

Since the last two weeks’ worth of good night’s sleep had done nothing, he should have known this one wouldn’t change a thing.

 The following day, every little thing seemed to drive Jinhwan mad.

The managers ruffling Hanbin’s hair and telling him how well he was doing.

The stylists commenting on how handsome he was getting as they fussed over his outfits and hair.

The make-up artist telling him that he didn’t even need to be made up. He was so “naturally handsome.”

Handsome. Handsome. Handsome.

Stupid, perfect handsome Hanbin that everyone wanted to touch and fawn over.

That let everyone touch and fawn over him.

Jinhwan stopped still in the middle of the room where they were being made up for a variety show appearance.

A realization as heavy as an anvil fell on him.

He wasn’t angry at Hanbin.

He wasn’t annoyed with Hanbin.

He was annoyed with everyone else.

Because he wanted to the be the one fawning all over Hanbin and telling him that he was handsome.

He wanted to be the one… touching Hanbin.

“Hyung…”

Jinhwan nearly leapt out of his own skin at the sound of Hanbin’s voice.

“Huh?” He asked, breath coming too quickly, making him temporarily dizzy.

“Are you okay, hyung?”

Jinhwan turned his eyes slowly to the right when Hanbin’s hand came to rest on his shoulder.

“You were just standing in the middle of the room staring off and you almost looked… scared. Now, you look... I don’t know. Scared, I guess. Dizzy. Are you sick?”

He shook his head, “no,” but said, “Maybe.”

Hanbin’s hand moved from his shoulder to his forehead. “You’re hot, hyung.”

Jinhwan gulped. “W- what?”

Hanbin’s hand moved back to his shoulder. “You feel hot, like a fever. Maybe you should lie down a minute.”

Jinhwan stared at Hanbin’s handsome face, contorted with worry. He chewed at his bottom lip as he stared back at his short hyung. Jinhwan had seen him do that countless times when he was nervous or worried about something.

“I’m okay,” he told him, stepping backward. Hanbin’s hand on him was doing nothing for his nerves.

“Are you sure? Do you want some water? I’m worried about you.”

“I’m fine, I said.” He snapped at him and instantly knew that it was too much, too harsh.

Hanbin closed off, backed away, gave a curt nod. “Okay.”

Jinhwan felt like garbage.

 “I just don’t understand what’s wrong with him.”

Jinhwan stopped outside the kitchen, hidden behind the wall, and listened to the conversation going on inside. Hanbin speaking to someone.

“What do you mean? I haven’t noticed anything.”

Bobby.

Jinhwan rolled his eyes. Some days, he was surprised that Bobby noticed the existence of anyone else. He was a nice guy, but so goofy that Jinhwan rarely took him seriously.

“He’s been acting strange lately.”

Jinhwan leaned on the wall, wondering who this was that had been acting strange lately. Maybe Junhoe. He seemed to be the only one not fawning all over Hanbin. The leader probably considered that strange behavior because everyone orbited around him like he was the sun which Jinhwan had to admit, he kind of was.

“I’m just worried about Jinhwan hyung, I don’t know.”

Jinhwan shot up and away from the wall. Worried about him? Hanbin was worried about him? Well, he had said that earlier when they were working, and he’d thought Jinhwan was feverish. He sighed. He was just worried that he was sick.

“He hardly ever talks to me and when he does, he’s so short.”

Bobby interjected, “Well, Hanbin, in fairness, Jinhwan is always that short. He can’t help it.”

Jinhwan heard the sound of a smack and hoped it hurt. He crossed his arms over his chest.

“Ow! Don’t smack me.”

“Don’t be stupid. I’m serious. Hyung always acts angry like I did something wrong to him. I can’t remember doing anything wrong. Do you think I did?”

“Hanbin-ah, you never do anything wrong. You’re nice and you always take care of us. I don’t know what the hell his problem is, but it’s not you. If he wants to be an asshole, fuck him.”

Jinhwan’s hands dropped to his side and clenched into fists. How dare Bobby talk about him that way?

He came into the kitchen casually, like he hadn’t been eavesdropping. Hanbin jerked his head toward him while Bobby acted as if he hadn’t noticed anyone enter the room.

“Hyung.” Hanbin took a step toward him.

Jinhwan passed him up, walking to the refrigerator, his original destination. He needed to prepare dinner. He didn’t have time for Hanbin and this nonsense.

Hanbin shooed Bobby out of the kitchen. “Hyung… Can I talk to you?”

“I’m busy.”

“Hyung, what did I do wrong? I can’t remember doing anything that would make you so unhappy with me.”

Jinhwan ignored him, slamming the door to the refrigerator closed. He’d lost his appetite. The rest of them could eat ramen for dinner or figure out something else. He wasn’t in the mood to cook anymore.

Hanbin caught him by the arm as he tried to leave. “Jinhwan, Hyung, please. Talk to me.”

When Jinhwan looked back, Hanbin was biting his bottom lip, looking pitiful. He shrugged his hand off and took a step backward. “There’s nothing to talk about. I’m not upset with you.”

I’m upset at the fact that I have feelings for you and it’s absolutely idiotic.

“Please… We’re friends, right? Can’t you just be honest with me? I know something is wrong. You’ve been avoiding me or being mean to me for weeks.

Jinhwan felt a stab of guilt and looked away.

“What did I do? Just tell me what I did, and I’ll make up for it. I’ll do whatever I can to make it up to you.”

“You didn’t do anything! Okay? That’s the problem! You never do anything!”

Hanbin’s eyes widened. “W – what do you mean? I… work all the time. I…”

“Not work.” Jinhwan dragged a hand through his hair, tangling it. “You never do anything with me. You do everything with everyone else. You fawn all over the maknaes. You flirt with Bobby all the time. You let everyone lay all over you and grab you and play with your hair. And you do the same to them and you just do and do and do. Everything with everyone else, but you barely even talk to me unless we’re forced to talk on some stupid program!”

“Hyung, I…”

“Just shut up! It doesn’t even matter. Just leave me alone, alright. You didn’t do anything. I’m not mad at you. It doesn’t matter.”

“It matters to me!” Hanbin stamped his foot on the hardwood kitchen floor. “I don’t understand! You’re the one avoiding me the last few weeks.”

Jinhwan opened his mouth to rebut, but no decent argument came to him.

“You seem mad at me for not… I don’t know, paying enough attention to you, but you’re mean to me every time I talk to you. You snap at me or you just walk away. You don’t try to spend time with me, so what sense does any of this make?”

“It doesn’t, okay? Nothing about the way I feel makes any sense, so just leave me alone, Hanbin.” Jinhwan turned and stalked out of the kitchen.

Hanbin heard the front door to the dorm slam a moment later and he knew that Jinhwan had just left. He slid down to the floor and slumped back against the cabinets behind him. He let out a sigh as his head came to rest on the cabinet door. He closed his eyes, hoping that Jinhwan would return soon and that things would go back to normal between them. Friends shouldn’t be at each other’s throats like this.

“You’re fucked.”

Hanbin’s eyes popped open.

Bobby stood in the doorway to the kitchen, a smirk on his face.

“What?”

“You. Are. Fucked.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Hyung…” He jerked his head toward the general direction of the front door.

“What about him? Were you listening to our conversation?”

“Of course.”

Hanbin made a displeased noise – something between a snort and a grunt – and crossed his arms over his chest. “Fine, so what are you talking about?”

“You…”

“And don’t say that I’m fucked again!”

“I wasn’t going to! I was going to say that you’re screwed.”

Hanbin jumped to his feet and Bobby immediately threw his hands up in front of him like a shield. “OKAY, OKAY, OKAY!” he shouted. “Don’t hit me!”

Hanbin leaned back against the counter, his hips digging into the sharp edge. “Spill it now.”

“You’re so dumb, Hanbin, really. No, not dumb. Blind. How do you not see it?”

“See what?!”

“Hyungie has a little bitty crush on you!”

Hanbin’s face twisted. “What?!” He shook his head rapidly. “That’s not true. You’re an idiot.”

“He wants you bad.”

“No.”

“Why else would he mention that you flirt with me all the time?”

“I don’t flirt with you all the time!”

“I know that.” Bobby nodded. “You know that.” Another nod. “Hyung doesn’t know that.” He shook his head then.

“But he… it doesn’t matter. He was just…” Hanbin cut off, because he didn’t have a clue what Jinhwan had been talking about before he stormed out of the dorm.

“He was just saying that he wants to fuck you and you’re too busy wanting to fuck everyone else… or so he thinks.”

Hanbin nearly swallowed his own head.

Bobby laughed at him. “You should see your face.”

“Shut up, Bobby. I don’t… You don’t… This is ridiculous.”

“I’m telling you, man. He likes you. I was kidding about the fucking. I mean, he probably wants that too, but I’m not sure he was trying to portray that just now. He’s just jealous that you spend so much time with the rest of us when he wants you to spend time with him, to let him, I don’t know, do all that shit he was talking about.”

How could Bobby be such an idiot, yet see the things that he couldn’t?

Hanbin sighed and slowly ran his hand through his hair. “Should I go after him?”

Bobby covered his face with his hand and shook his head. “You really are stupid, aren’t you? Yes, just go. Go after him.”

Hanbin nearly tripped over his own feet trying to get out of the kitchen. Bobby grabbed his upper arm and jerked him back. “Wait… You do want to fuck him, right?”

“Bobby!”

Bobby laughed like a hyena. “Sorry. I mean, you do like him, right? Don’t run after him just to tell him that you’re not into him. That wouldn’t be a good idea.”

Hanbin stared at him for a moment. “I… I don’t know what I feel. I thought we were just friends.”

“You are.” Bobby released his arm now that he was no longer trying to get away. “But he wants…”

“I heard you the other times! Don’t repeat it!”

“I wasn’t going to say that. I was going to say he wants to be something else. It’s obvious.”

It wasn’t, but Hanbin had to believe Bobby. He made such a compelling argument.

 When Hanbin caught up with Jinhwan, he was two blocks from the dorm. It was dark outside and Hanbin didn’t feel comfortable knowing that Jinhwan had been walking out here on his own or that they were now walking on their own – just the two of them.

“Hyung…”

“Why did you come after me?”

“Bobby told me I should,” he said stupidly.

“If you’re taking advice from Bobby now, you may want to reevaluate your life choices.”

Hanbin smiled a little at that. Jinhwan had a point. Who would take advice from Bobby? His smile fell.

But he had just taken advice from Bobby! What if Bobby was completely wrong about everything? What if he didn’t know what he was talking about? That was the issue – he didn’t know what he was talking about! They all knew that!

He ran his hand through his hair, pulling at it a little as if injuring his scalp would magically show him the right course of action.

“Look, I know what he probably told you,” Jinhwan said. He wasn’t looking at Hanbin. He stared off down the street.

Hanbin was glad for that because his fingers had gotten tangled in his hair that was really getting too long. He tugged at it, wincing when his head ached. “You do?” He gulped when he was no longer focused on his tangled hair and could fully feel the weight of that remark.

“Yeah, of course. He told you to come find me because it’s dark and it’s your duty as the leader to make sure that I don’t get mugged on the dark streets of Seoul.” He turned finally, looking at Hanbin. His face was red and filled with raw emotion – anger or something like it. Hanbin was terrible at judging the emotions of others, obviously. “But it’s not! I’m the oldest and I can watch out for myself. You don’t have to come after me. Go home.”

Hanbin cowered back. It amazed him how someone so small could speak with so much power. He often wondered why Jinhwan hadn’t been chosen as leader, probably just because the elder didn’t want the job. He’d make a great leader. He surely knew how to boss them all around and keep them in line.

“What are you staring at?! Go home!”

Another emotion flickered in Jinhwan’s eyes and Hanbin almost thought he saw his lip tremble but Jinhwan turned away too quickly for him to properly register it. Was Jinhwan sad?

Bobby was right. He really was an idiot.

“Hyung, I don’t want to go back. I want to talk to you. I want to understand what is going on between us.”

“Nothing is going on between us.”

“Should there be? Help me to understand. I… I’m not as smart as you, okay? I don’t understand what it is that you want me to understand. I don’t know why you’re so mad at me for not spending time with you. I… Is it just that we’re friends and I shouldn’t neglect you in favor of the others or is it… something more?”

“If you’re so stupid, I’m not going to waste time explaining it to you.”

Hanbin jumped back like Jinhwan had punched him in the face. He’d been punched in the face before – it hurt less.

Jinhwan spun toward him, reaching out to him like he was trying to save a drowning man, grasping for him but Hanbin was out of his reach. “Hanbin, I didn’t mean that. I did not mean that.”

Hanbin was shaking his head as he backed down the sidewalk away from him. “It’s fine. I know. I know I’m an idiot. It’s fine, hyung. I’ll go home now.”

He turned and picked up his pace, walking faster back toward the dorm.

And now it was Jinhwan’s turn to chase after him. He caught his arm, held tightly when Hanbin struggled against him. “Hanbin, please. I’m so sorry. I did not mean that. You’re not stupid. I’m just… so angry. I said a thing I should never had said, that I did not mean, that is not true. I… Please, Hanbin. Please forgive me for that.”

Hanbin stopping struggling and his body seemed to sag slightly. “There’s nothing to forgive.”

“There is!” Jinhwan stamped his foot on the ground. “Say you forgive me, please.”

“I do.”

Jinhwan turned him, using both hands, grasping at the bigger man until they faced one another. “Hanbin, I… I’m the stupid one. I don’t know what to do with my feelings and it’s driven me to such anger.” He balled his hands into fists around Hanbin’s red t-shirt and stared down at the ground between them. “I… I don’t want to be your friend anymore, Hanbin,” he whispered to the space between them.

“What?” Hanbin leaned slightly. “Hyung, I can barely hear you.”

“I said I don’t want to be your friend anymore.” He still stared at the ground but spoke loud enough for Hanbin to hear every syllable clearly.

Hanbin stared at the top of Jinhwan’s hair. A streetlamp overhead shone down, making the blond highlights shimmer. He raised a hand to thread through his hair. It was soft and slipped through his fingers like silk. He recalled what Jinhwan had said about letting the others play with his hair and doing the same to them. It was true. He knew what each member’s hair felt like: Junhoe’s always stiff with product, Bobby’s curly ringlets, Chanwoo’s soft like a baby’s. He was sure that he’d touched Jinhwan’s before, but he couldn’t recall. The silky locks were unfamiliar to him.

Jinhwan had not been wrong. He did neglect him.

He felt Jinhwan’s head move against his hand and, for a moment, thought the elder was pulling away but he quickly realized that he was nuzzling closer.

Hanbin pulled him in, closing the small gap between them, bringing Jinwan’s head (and the rest of his small body) to rest against his own. He threaded his fingers through his silky locks for several minutes while they stood in silence.

Finally, his fingers still working through Jinhwan’s hair, he spoke softly. “I… don’t know if I have the same feelings, hyung.”

He felt Jinhwan stiffen against him, his entire body rigid. Those were not the words he’d wanted to hear. Hanbin knew they wouldn’t be. He immediately wished he could take them back, but they were the truth. Would Jinhwan really want him to take back the truth?

When he pulled away from him, his hair sliding out of Hanbin’s grasp, he had his answer. Of course, he would want him to take it back if it made him hurt less. Hanbin would take it back, as well, if it would erase the look on Jinhwan’s face, a look of hurt, sorrow, disappointment.

Why, now, could he suddenly read his feelings?

“I’m sorry that I said anything about it,” Jinhwan said quietly. “Can we please keep this just between us? I don’t want the others to know what a fool I am. And please…”

“Hyung, wait, don’t…”

“Don’t try to take it back, Hanbin. I… wouldn’t want you to lie to me.”

He had been wrong…

“You speak the truth and that’s one your greatest qualities. I wouldn’t want a lie from you even if the truth hurts. Just… let me be. Don’t tell anyone and don’t come around me for a while. This will fade, I’m sure, and…”

“Hyung, wait! Can I please say something?!”

“What?” He looked at him with his sad eyes and Hanbin almost lost his nerve. Jinhwan didn’t say it, but it was there between them: “Haven’t you said enough?”

“I…” He took in a deep breath, standing taller, willing himself some courage. “I said I don’t know if I have the same feelings. I… I’m not good with feelings. I’ve never been in a relationship, never cared for anyone in the way that I suspect you care for me. I mean… I’ve never thought about having a boyfriend… or a girlfriend.” He was quick to add the latter, so Jinhwan wouldn’t misunderstand and make this about gender. It wasn’t. Hanbin had no experience at all and was open-minded about the prospect of one day having feelings for anyone – regardless of gender. “I don’t know and I’m sorry for that. I wish I could tell you right now that I feel the same way and this could be like a drama where we hug and kiss in the street.”

“I don’t want a drama. I’m not stupid or naïve. Hanbin, I said, just…”

“Let me finish!” Hanbin snapped. Jinhwan’s eyes shot open in surprise. “Hyung… I’m sorry, but please let me finish. I want to tell you those things because it would be easy and you would be happy, but it’s not the truth. I don’t know, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t know have these feelings or that I couldn’t. I just don’t know. If you… if you are willing to be patient with me, to let me figure things out. I… I am inexperienced, and I don’t know what love is. I… Not that I think that you love me.”

He did. He was sure that nothing could cause the pain in his chest and in his stomach but love.

“Do you…?”

“I do.”

He reached out to touch his face. “I am sorry that I could not see that.”

“It’s a new development.” Jinhwan felt awkward, now, with Hanbin’s hand on him, his feelings out there in such a backward confession.

“How do you know?”

“I… Do you want me to explain what it feels like to fall in love?”

“I’m sorry. Am I asking too much?”

“Yes. Frankly, yes, Hanbin.” He pushed his hand away from his cheek and then crossed his arms over his chest. “You’re asking too much. I don’t know if I can do this. I mean, I don’t know if I can just wait around for you, wondering if you’ll realize that you have feelings for me one day while I’m pining for you. It’s stupid and I won’t do it. If you don’t love me, you don’t, and that’s fine. I’ll make my best effort to stop loving you. Just leave me alone, okay?”

“No, I don’t think it is okay! I want the chance to love you too! You love me. What if I do love you and you won’t even give me a chance? Just because I’m young and naïve and inexperienced doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t give me a chance.”

“But… Tell me one thing, do you have feelings for Bobby?”

“No!”

“How do you know? If you don’t know what these feelings are like, if you don’t know love…. You flirt with him all the time.”

“I do not! Bobby is my friend, but I don’t love him like that. I couldn’t even see him that way. He’s not attractive to me in the slightest. I mean, he’s handsome, but not… Not that way.”

“And what about me?”

“Hmm?”

“What about me? Do you find me attractive?”

Hanbin stared at him for a moment in stunned silence. He’d never really given it much thought. He didn’t usually give the looks of his fellow members much thought at all. As he did a quick inventory of the members, he realized that he did find Yunhyeong attractive but he was pretty sure that the entire world found him attractive. He focused then on Jinhwan’s face, noting things he hadn’t ever bothered to look at before: the sweet little moles, his clear skin that looked like it would be as soft as his silken hair if he caressed it, his small, but beautiful chocolate brown eyes, lips that looked supple and soft, kissable…

He jolted at the thought and took an involuntary step backward. “Yes. Yes, I do.”

Jinhwan’s face twisted and it was clear to Hanbin that he had given the answer Jinhwan had been expecting. “You do?”

“Yes, hyung.” His cheeks grew hot and he wondered if Jinhwan could see the blush from the glow of the streetlamp. He regretted not walking further away from its glow.

Jinhwan took a step toward him. “I find you very attractive, Hanbin.”

This left the younger bewildered. What was attractive about him? He was too thin. His nose was too big for his face and his eyes too small. He wasn’t tall enough for it to be an attractive quality, but just tall enough to be gangly and awkward.

He naively asked, “Why?”

“You’re asking too much again.”

“Oh…”

Jinhwan reached a hand up to cup his jaw. “Hanbin, do you really find me attractive that way? You’re not lying because you don’t want to hurt me?”

“No. I’m sorry to have hurt you with the truth, Hyung, but I couldn’t lie to you.”

“Do you… think you could love me one day, Hanbin?”

Hanbin stared at him again, taking inventory of those attractive physical qualities and thinking of some he’d barely noticed before – like his lean muscles and how they stretched and moved when he danced, worked out, or on the rare occasions that they got to swim together. The thought of Jinhwan in just his swimming shorts made his cheeks blush red again and he forced his mind to think of more important things.

Could he fall in love with Jinhwan? He didn’t know what falling in love really felt like but he thought he sort of understood things that could make a person fall in love, or qualities that could lead to a relationship…

Jinhwan was kind, considerate, caring. He was a good cook – something Hanbin had always been sure he’d want in a partner. He couldn’t even boil water and he never paid any mind to meal times. He needed someone that would care for him, watch over him, and make sure he took care. Jinhwan would do that.

But was that enough to form a relationship, enough to be in love with someone?

Perhaps not.

But surely he could love Jinhwan. Who wouldn’t love Jinhwan? He was a wonderful person. He was sure that he could, but he would need time. Would Jinhwan wait? Could he?

Could Hanbin ask him to?

In that moment, Hanbin wished he could believe in the things that his mother and sister believed in. Even so young, Hanbyul believed in soulmates, in love that found you when you weren’t looking, in people that were destined for each other, regardless of whether they realized it or not.

“I’m going to go home now,” Jinhwan said, shaking Hanbin from his thoughts.

Hanbin reached for him, taking hold of his upper arm. “Wait.”

“I waited while you stared at me, Hanbin. It’s okay. You can’t help what you don’t feel.”

“It’s not that I don’t! I don’t know, I told you. I think surely I could love you, surely I would love you. You’re a great person. I could list all of the things I like about you, but it would take all night and it’s dark and I don’t want to stand here in the darkness that long. But… I think I could love you, Jinhwan hyung. I just fear that it wouldn’t be soon enough for you. You already know that you love me. I need time.” He released his arm and moved to stand in front of him. “I’m sorry that I can’t just know like you do. I really am, but I think I could love you if you give me a chance.”

Jinhwan knew that he was being unreasonable. Of course, it would take anyone time to know their feelings. Honestly, if he gave himself a minute to think about it, he thought it odd that he suddenly felt these things, that he just knew. He had never been one to believe in soulmates or destiny, but maybe… “It’s okay,” he finally said. “Should I leave you alone to think on it? Honestly, I’m not that experience in this either, Hanbin. I’ve never been in a relationship before.” He had felt things for other men in the past, not the same things, and he’d never acted on them, but he did know his feelings.

“I don’t think that would help. I… I think we should spend time together. We should, I don’t know. Can we date each other?”

“You want to date me?”

“Don’t people usually date before they fall in love? Or while they’re falling in love?”

“Yes, I guess you’re right.” Jinhwan laughed. “I’m being unreasonable, aren’t I? I’m going at this backwards. I’m confessing to you and we haven’t even really had a meal together or done anything that a couple would do. I’ve never even tried to flirt with you.”

“I don’t even know how to flirt, so…” Hanbin laughed. “I swear to you I’m never flirting with Bobby. Even he said so. And Bobby knows how to flirt.” He blushed again. Bobby was a fan of the ladies, everyone knew. He was the opposite of Hanbin – quite experienced.

“Do you want to eat something with me now? I could cook for you or we could cook something together.” Cooking with his spouse had always been a dream or fantasy of Jinhwan’s. He loved to cook and he would love to share the experience with his partner. Also, he’d probably seen too many dramas where couples had adorable “fights” with frosting or flour.

“Uh… You should cook for me and I’ll watch from a safe distance. I’m liable to poison us if I touch the food.”

“You would not. I’ll teach you. We’ll start with something easy like miso soup.”

“That doesn’t sound easy.”

“It’s so easy that your little sister could make it.”

“She’s intelligent, I don’t doubt her.”

Jinhwan felt a sting of regret and guilt for his earlier words. “You’re not stupid, Hanbin. Honestly, I should not have said that to you earlier. It wasn’t true.”

“No, no, I wasn’t… I was just joking. Please, don’t feel bad about that. I know you were hurt and angry.” Hanbin reached out to caress his cheek, just a quick motion but it made Jinhwan smile and his smile made Hanbin’s stomach flutter.

He jerked his hand back quickly. “What?” Jinhwan’s face twisted in confusion.

“I… I don’t know. I just got a weird feeling.”

“Weird like bad? Are you ill? You should have eaten earlier.”

“I don’t… Maybe I am hungry. My stomach feels a little… strange, queasy.”

Jinhwan took him by the hand and led him back to the dorm.

 Bobby was lying in wait for them in the kitchen. “I thought you’d return to the scene of the crime and holding hands, no less.”

Jinhwan dropped Hanbin’s hand immediately. “What crime? You’re an idiot. Get out of my kitchen.”

“It’s our kitchen, not just yours.”

Jinhwan squared his narrow shoulders and glared as he took a step toward him.

“Alright, alright! I’m going!” Bobby side-stepped past them and rushed out of the room. “Don’t forget what I said, Hanbin!” He called as he dashed off down the hallway.

Jinhwan looked up at him. “What did he say?”

“A bunch of stupid things. Ignore him.”

“I usually do.” Jinhwan rolled his eyes. “Come on. Let’s get started.”

Halfway through the process of making the simplest dish Jinhwan could think of, he stopped and swatted Hanbin’s chest. “You’re just trying to mess this up!”

Hanbin laughed. “I swear I’m not! I’m just terrible in the kitchen.”

“No one can be this terrible.”

“You’ve met your match, Hyung.”

Jinhwan met his eyes for a moment. “I hope so.”

Hanbin blushed and threw a piece of awkwardly chopped tofu at him.

“Yah! Don’t throw tofu and a monkey could cut better cubes than this!” He threw the piece back at him.

Hanbin was quick to mock him. “Yah! Don’t throw tofu!”

Jinhwan looked at him threateningly but crumbled into laughter after just a moment. “I’m going to teach you to be great in the kitchen one day,” he said, turning back to the soup that he knew he’d be finishing alone.

“That could take a lifetime.”

Jinhwan looked up from the soup pot, staring into Hanbin’s eyes. “A lifetime, hmm… That a promise?”

Hanbin looked down but he was smiling, so Jinhwan didn’t feel the need to apologize.

Hanbin spent the rest of the time perched on the counter while Jinhwan rattled off the ingredients in the soup, random facts about the ingredients, anecdotes about the times his mother made miso soup when he was ill, how it used to be his favorite food, how he wanted Hanbin to enjoy it.

Hanbin promised that he would. It wasn’t a grand gesture or a big promise. He always loved Jinhwan’s cooking and he was certain he’d had his miso soup before. He didn’t remind him of that, just made his promise and watched as the elder finished up the dish.

Jinhwan called the others to the kitchen to eat. “Let’s eat in my room,” he suggested when he and Hanbin had each taken a bowl of the soup.

They spent the rest of the evening in Jinhwan’s room, eating their soup, talking, watching a drama on Jinhwan’s laptop. He was currently in the middle of Dark Blue and Moonlight but opted for something with no guys kissing. He didn’t want to possibly intimidate Hanbin.

When they started to fall asleep, Jinhwan cleared up their dishes and carried them to the kitchen, Hanbin trailing behind him being cute but ultimately unhelpful. Jinhwan placed the dishes into the sink to be washed in the morning and looked to Hanbin. “What are you doing?”

“Huh? Just standing here.”

“Why? You could have gone to bed.”

He shrugged his shoulders and looked away. “I… don’t know. I wanted to say goodnight to you, I guess.”

Jinhwan laughed. “Goodnight, Hanbin.”

“Not like that. I mean, a proper goodnight.”

“What does that even mean?”

Hanbin stepped toward him and pulled him into his arms, hugging him tightly. His face pressed against his silky hair that smelled of almonds and honey. “Goodnight, hyung,” he whispered.

Jinhwan’s small hands clutched at the bag of his t-shirt. “Goodnight, Hanbinnie.”

“Gross. Are you guys going to start doing this shit all over the house?”

The two jumped apart. Jinhwan glared at Bobby standing in the doorway.

“Seriously. I’m moving out if you start making out.”

“We’re not making out, Bobby!” Hanbin crossed the kitchen to punch Bobby lightly in the stomach. “We were just hugging goodnight. Shut up.”

“Hugging leads to kissing and kissing leads to making out which leads to fucking. So help me if you defile any of the common areas.”

Jinhwan marched over and smacked Bobby hard on the arm. “Knock it off!”

Bobby opened his mouth to say something else stupid and Jinhwan smacked him again.

“I’m serious, Bobby. I mean it. Knock it off.” Jinhwan’s hands balled into fists and he glared up at him.

Bobby put his hands up in surrender. “Okay, okay. I’m sorry.”

Hanbin shook his head and let out a long sigh. “I’m going to bed.” He shoved Bobby roughly as he moved past him out of the kitchen.

Jinhwan swore at him as he rushed off to follow Hanbin down the hall. “Bin, wait.” He grabbed his arm at the crook of his elbow and held him back. “Bin, are you upset? Please don’t be upset.”

“I’m fine. Bobby is just an idiot and I’m tired.”

Jinhwan brushed his thumb over Hanbin’s cheek. “Please don’t worry about what he says.”

Hanbin nodded. “Goodnight, hyung.”

Jinhwan just nodded as he watched Hanbin disappear into his room.

 The following day Hanbin seemed too busy for Jinhwan to get any alone time with him. They ate separately; Hanbin staying at the studio all day and night. Jinhwan was asleep before he even entered the dorm.

The day after, he came home at dinner time, but skipped it, claiming to be too exhausted to eat. He showered and went to bed.

Day three of the avoidance and Jinhwan began to worry. He cornered Hanbin when he came home at dinner time again but went straight to his room.

“Hyung!” Hanbin yelped when Jinhwan entered the bathroom just as he was stripping for his shower.

“Why are you avoiding me?!”

Hanbin scrambled to cover himself with the only thing near – the tiny towel they used to dry their hands.

“Hyung,” he whined. “I’m getting into the shower.”

“Then, get into the shower, but answer me! Why are you avoiding me?”

Hanbin walked into the shower and closed the door, happy to have his body shielded from Jinhwan, though the latter hadn’t seemed to look anywhere but his face.

“Answer me, Hanbin!”

“I… I’ve been busy.”

“That’s bullshit and I know it. Junhoe said you were just sitting in the studio for an hour today on your phone. You couldn’t have come back to the dorm, texted, called, anything. It’s been three days of this. Is this about Bobby’s stupid ass remark about us having sex and making out?”

Silence invaded the small bathroom. Hanbin cowered in the far corner of the shower, clutching the tiny hand towel like a security blanket.

“Kind of,” he finally admitted.

“Why? Bobby is an idiot, everyone knows that. What he says doesn’t matter.”

“It does, though. He’s our friend and the other members are our friends and our members. They matter and so does their opinion. And what if they don’t like us being together. What if they hate it? What if they judge us? What if other people do?”

“Who cares?”

“I care!”

“Why?”

“Because I don’t want people to ridicule us.”

“They don’t matter. And, Hanbin… we’re not even together. We’re not making out in the dorm. We’re not having sex. We’re not doing any of those things for you to worry about the members seeing us.”

“I thought we were dating… Or doing our equivalent of dating.”

“Yeah, but we’re not going on dates. We’re just hanging out here. And… honestly, do you think anyone is going to be mad that we are? Why would it bother them?”

“It bothered Bobby.”

“He was being an idiot. You don’t think it really bothers him that we’re trying to date or whatever, do you?”

“I… don’t know. I guess not. But it’s going to bother someone. Eventually.”

“Everything bothers someone, Hanbin. You can’t let it bother you. Everyone on Earth is going to have something to complain about, something that upsets them in their day. It’s just the way the world works. But I’m not going to let what bothers someone else or even what bothers me run my life. I’m going to do what I want, no matter what. And right now, what I want, is to be with you and to make you happy.”

“Hyung, do you really want to make me happy?”

“Of course.”

“Can you leave then and let me shower?”

“Oh… Sure.”

After his shower, Hanbin found Jinhwan in his room. The latter was laid out on his bed, earbuds in, laptop resting on his stomach.

“Hyung…”

Jinhwan jolted and nearly threw his laptop in the floor.

“I’m sorry!” Hanbin rushed over to help him get his laptop in a safe position.

In his worry, Jinhwan let him take the computer while he untangled his earbuds and sat up. “You scared me.”

“Hyung… What are you watching?”

Jinhwan glanced over. On the screen, the two main characters of his drama were making out pretty heavily in bed. He swore softly and snatched the laptop from Hanbin, snapping it shut. “It’s just a drama.”

“Really?”

“Yes, really. Don’t judge me!”

“I wasn’t! I was just curious. Was that… That wasn’t the drama we were watching together, right? I don’t remember those characters, but it was hard to see them, so…”

“No, it wasn’t that. I wouldn’t watch that with you. Can we stop talking about this?”

“Yeah, sure. I’m sorry. I really was just curious.”

Jinhwan nodded, embarrassed to have Hanbin catch him watching what looked like gay erotica – which, at times, he supposed it kind of was. “What do you want?”

“Can we have a meeting?”

“A meeting? What do you mean?”

“I mean, a group meeting.”

“Why?”

“I thought we could tell the group that we like each other and we want to date and see what they think.”

“And what if they say they don’t like the idea?”

“Then, maybe we’ll have to think on that.”

Jinhwan’s shoulders sagged. He wanted to think that the members would support them but what if they didn’t? Surely by, “think on that,” Hanbin meant forget the whole thing and do what makes the members happy.

“I’ll get everyone together.” He slid to the edge of his bed and stood. “You mean right now, yeah?”

“Yes, please. Everyone is here now.”

 “If this is another meeting because someone ate Bobby’s fucking chicken, I swear,” Junhoe grumbled as he stumbled into the living room of their dorm. He’d been just about asleep when Jinhwan called them all the meeting.

“Shut up, Junhoe. I still think it was you that I ate that chicken.” Bobby leaned over to smack him.

“It wasn’t me!”

“Will you all just shut up?” Hanbin shouted. “I wanted to have this meeting because I have something that I need to discuss with you all, something that will effect the entire group and…”

“Hyung, are you leaving us?” Chanwoo interjected, looking worried.

“No! No! Chanwoo-yah, I would never.”

Chanwoo smiled then and leaned his head over on Donghyuk’s shoulder. Donghyuk patted his hair and kissed the top of his head.

“Hyung… Jinhwan hyung and I have some news.”

Bobby groaned until Jinhwan shot him a death glare. He sat up straighter and clamped his mouth shut.

“We…” Hanbin wrung his hands together nervously, unsure how to word what he needed to say.

Jinhwan stepped forward, rubbing his shoulder gently. “We’ve decided to start… dating.”

“What? But there’s a dating ban!” Yunhyeong shouted. “You can’t date!”

“Where did you even meet girls?” Junhoe added. “Is it members of Blackpink? You know the company doesn’t even want us talking to them. Now you want to date them! You guys can’t do this! We’ll get into trouble!”

Jinhwan rubbed his face, and then ran his fingers back into his hair. “We’re not dating Blackpink and we’re not going to tell the company about anything.”

“They’ll find out,” Yunhyeong insisted. “They know everything. You’ll get caught with these girls and the fans will take photos.”

“There are no girls!” Hanbin shouted.

Four bewildered faces stared back. And Bobby smirked, shaking his head.

“What are you talking about?” Chanwoo asked, genuinely perplexed.

Jinhwan massaged Hanbin’s shoulder to comfort him and then attempted to explain things. “We’re going to ‘date’ each other, guys. We’re not going out for dates where we might get caught. We’re just spending time with one another here. We’re just… trying to see how we feel about each other. And we just want to make sure that you’re all okay with that.”

“Wait, so you’re gay?” Junhoe asked.

“I am, yes,” Jinhwan replied.

Hanbin shrugged his shoulders and stared at the floor. “I don’t know what I am.”

“Does it matter?”

“Yeah, because I want to know if I’m not the only gay one,” Junhoe said.

Chanwoo’s head jerked toward Junhoe. “You’re gay? How is everyone gay and I didn’t know.”

“I’m not gay,” Yunhyeong insisted.

“You got drunk and made out with me last week, Yunhyeong. You’re a little gay,” Junhoe said, rolling his eyes.

“I’m not gay,” Chanwoo said. “But I don’t care if the hyungs are. Why doesn’t it matter? You shouldn’t even care if someone cares. If you love each other, that’s all that matters.” Chanwoo smiled like they were living in a Disney love story now.

Jinhwan offered him a half-smile. “We don’t know if we love each other, Chanwoo, but thank you.”

“Bobby hyung, you don’t mind, do you?” Hanbin asked. “You sounded so disgusted the other day at the thought of us kissing in the kitchen.”

“You kissed in the kitchen?!” Donghyuk spouted. This was all very tantalizing to him.

“No! We just hugged!” Hanbin waved him off. “Bobby, are you mad about it?”

“We fucked in the kitchen, so he’s an asshole if he’s mad.” Junhoe crossed his arms over his chest smugly.

Jinhwan looked ready to swallow himself whole. “You…” He glared at Junhoe and then Bobby. “HAD SEX… in my kitchen!”

“It was ONE TIME!” Bobby darted behind Junhoe, using him as a human shield.

“Twice,” Junhoe said, shoving him away.

“Oh, my…” Jinhwan threw his arms up and started to pace around the living room. “I cook in that kitchen! We eat in that kitchen. There is food in that kitchen. And you assholes never clean up anything. You had sex in my kitchen.”

“I cleaned up, hyung, and you sanitize that damn kitchen every night. It’s fine.”

“IT’S NOT FINE. NO SEX IN THE KITCHEN!”

“I’m done with Bobby, and I don’t think anyone else is sleeping together, so as long as you follow your own rules, you’re good.”

Hanbin turned red and went to sit on the chair in the corner.

“Knock it off with that kind of talk, alright? We’re just getting to know what feelings we have for each other and there’s nothing like that, okay? I don’t want you saying things like that.”

“Alright, hyung, sorry.” Junhoe shrugged his shoulders. “And sorry about the kitchen. We were a little drunk.”

“You may want to sanitize the cabinets.”

Jinhwan kicked Bobby in the back of the knee, making him fall forward. “Ah, hyung!”

“You’re lucky I don’t punch you for being gross in my kitchen and then making us feel uncomfortable the other night.”

“I didn’t mean anything. You’re just too uptight.”

“It wasn’t him, it was me.”

Bobby glanced over to the corner when Hanbin spoke. He frowned, turning serious, for once. He crossed the room and knelt beside Hanbin’s chair. “I’m sorry, Binnie,” he whispered, kissing his head and ruffling his hair.

Jinhwan’s jaw clenched as he watched Bobby dote on him.

“You forgive me?”

Hanbin nodded and pushed him away. “Just don’t mess with me about it anymore.”

“Promise.” He bent to kiss his forehead and then walked away.

“So, everyone is okay with this?” Jinwan glanced around. Everyone nodded.

“Good. Thanks. Sorry I woke you, Junhoe. Actually, I’m not. You owe me anyway.”

Junhoe rolled his eyes. “I apologized. I owe you nothing.” He stood, pulling Bobby along with him. “Come on. You’re not going to bed late and waking me up when you come in.”

They were in the hallway when Jinhwan heard Bobby’s retort. “Jun, if you want to get me in bed, you can just say so.”

Followed by the sound of Bobby crashing into the wall, presumably shoved there by a grumpy Junhoe.

“We should all get to bed,” Jinhwan suggested. “It’s getting late.”

Jinhwan waited until the others cleared out before he walked over to kneel beside Hanbin’s chair. “Are you alright?”

“Yes. Thank you for having the meeting and explaining everything when I couldn’t find the words.”

“It’s okay.” He rubbed his hand gently. “Are you happy that they’re okay with it?”

“Yes. It makes me feel a little better.”

“But not totally?”

“Yes.”

“Are you worried about the company?”

“Yes. And the fans.”

“You know that the fans think you and Bobby are together, right?”

Hanbin’s head jerked toward him, eyes narrowed. “No, they don’t.”

“They do. How do you not know this?”

He shrugged his shoulders. “I don’t know. I don’t look at stuff like that, I guess.”

“They call you Double B. That’s your relationship name.”

“I’ve seen that, but I didn’t think that’s what it meant.”

“That’s what it means. They also think I’m dating Junhoe, or they want me to.” He rolled his eyes. “Like that would ever happen. I would kill him if we dated.”

“How do you know all of this?”

“I’ve seen things.”

“What things?”

“Just stuff the fans post.” He was not about to admit that he’d read gay fanfiction about Hanbin. He and Hanbin were not a popular relationship but there was one fan that he’d found that wrote beautiful little stories about the two of them. There were only ten total and she seemed to have given up on them, but he’d reach each of them at least five times in the last week. Admitting that, even to himself, was pathetic. No way would he tell Hanbin.

“You should show me. I want to know what the fans think.”

“No, you don’t. Hanbin, don’t worry about it. Unless you’d like to date Bobby and that’s why you’re wondering what the fans have to say about it.” He stood, filled with a ridiculous jealousy. “Maybe that have a compelling argument? Maybe you and Bobby can be the next ones to have sex in my kitchen if the fans think it’s okay!”

Hanbin shot out of his chair, startling Jinhwan who stumbled backward a little. Hanbin caught his arm and used it as leverage to shove him back against the wall beside them.

Jinhwan’s heart thudded against his rib cage. This was most exciting and mildly terrifying. He’d never seen Hanbin look like this – angry and dominant. It made his stomach flip.

“If we’re going to be together, you have to stop being worried about Bobby. I don’t want him like that. I don’t want to touch him at all, much less have sex with him in your kitchen.” His cheeks blushed then,s and he faltered, but just for a second. “I don’t know that I want to have sex with anyone, anywhere, but right now, I’m trying to be with you, Jinhwan hyung. Not Bobby.” His grip on Jinhwan’s wrist – pinned to the wall – loosened and his hands slid upward to his hand. He laced their fingers together and pulled his hand down. He readjusted, turning his hand in Jinhwan’s for comfort, but held it tightly. “Can you do this?”

Jinhwan nodded dumbly. His mouth would not move to make a single sound.

“Tell me!”

Jinhwan jumped a little. Who the hell was this suddenly dominant Hanbin, he wondered. And then it clicked. This was the Hanbin that knew what he wanted and wasn’t going to give it up. This was the same Hanbin that had gotten through the competitions to debut, to become leader, to become one of the best rappers at YG, in the business. This was the Hanbin that led them to their many wins. Hanbin knew what he wanted, and it was a relationship with him – or at least to try for one – and he wasn’t backing down.

“Yes.”

Hanbin pulled away from entirely and a rush of cool air hit Jinhwan making him shiver. He hadn’t realizing how much body heat had built up between them.

“I’m sorry,” Hanbin said, turning way from him. “I shouldn’t have shoved you and yelled at you.”

“It’s okay. It was nice.”

Hanbin turned his head to look at him, brow arched.

Jinhwan felt hot shame creep up his neck and onto his cheeks. “I mean… It was nice to see that side of you.”

“The side that shoves you?”

Jinhwan huffed. “The side that isn’t giving up what you want. It’s nice to feel wanted by you.”

Hanbin hadn’t even thought about it that deeply. He acted on impulse, not fully aware of why Jinhwan’s jealousy made him angry. He now recognized that side of himself. It was what made him successful, made him what he was. He wouldn’t back down when he wanted something, and he wanted to try for this thing with Jinhwan.

A moment later Jinhwan’s back was pressed to the wall again and Hanbin hovered in front of him, leaning in toward him with his arm braced on the wall above Jinhwan’s head. “If this is what it takes to make you know that I want to try this thing with you, then I guess we’ll be talking against a lot of walls.”

Jinhwan’s entire body felt electrified as Hanbin whispered to him, his warm breath hitting his lips in puffs as he spoke. He was having the most dangerous thoughts about the things he’d like Hanbin to do to him against this wall.

He laid his hand flat against Hanbin’s chest and pushed him back. “I understand you fully.”

Hanbin nodded, not understanding the effect his words and actions were having on Jinhwan. “You’re sure.” He moved in toward him again.

“Hanbin, stop.”

He pulled away completely then, the atmosphere changing immediately. “I’m sorry, hyung. I just want you to know I’m serious.”

“I know you’re serious. And trust that I’m serious when I say don’t do that again.”

“But you said…”

“I know what I said.” How could Hanbin be so dense about this? How could he not see what he was doing? Did he not feel the same feelings? Jinhwan felt a little dirty for getting worked up by this.

“Hyung, are you mad?”

“No. Hanbin, I’m attracted to you, you know? I… You’re not attracted to me, I get that, but I find you very attractive and you’re leaning over me, whispering to me, being so forceful and… dominant.” He gulped. “It’s not…” He waved in front of him like that would make the right words materialize.

“Oh…” Realization finally dawned upon Hanbin. He was so terribly inexperienced. He hadn’t thought how his actions could be taken a different way. He was only trying to make a point, not trying to be… sexy. He laughed.

Jinhwan’s temper flared. He shot Hanbin a furious look, his eyes filled with shame and rage. “Don’t you dare laugh at me!”

“No, no, hyung! I swear I wasn’t! I was laughing at me, myself. I mean, I was laughing at the idea of me being… sexy.” He laughed again and covered his mouth. “Sorry. I just don’t see myself that way and you…” He glanced down at Jinhwan, noticing the little bulge in his pants for the first time. “Oh…” His eyes went wide.

“You’re an asshole, Hanbin.” He turned and started off.

Hanbin acted on instinct again, grabbing his arm and shoving him against the wall. This was going to get really inconvenient if it was the only way he could get Jinhwan to take him seriously. “I’m not judging you. I just don’t see myself the way you see me.”

“And you don’t see me that way either.” Jinhwan struggled against him, but Hanbin had pinned both of his shoulders back.

“I don’t know what I see yet. I’m bad at this. Give me a chance.” Hanbin leaned in toward him, their faces just centimeters from each other. His lips ghosted against Jinhwan’s. He felt his stomach flutter just like it had on the street. He wasn’t familiar with feelings of attraction or arousal. He mostly avoided anything like that, too focused on work and the group to have time for anything like that.

“Just kiss me, Hanbin,” Jinhwan whispered, his lips ghosting over Hanbin’s as he spoke.

Hanbin had only a moment to think, “I don’t know how,” before his instinct kicked in and he pressed his lips to Jinhwan’s. They were as soft as his skin and silken hair, as kissable as he’d thought they’d be.

Jinhwan wiggled out of Hanbin’s grip and brought his hands up to Hanbin’s neck, pulling him closer. He took over, his lips moving perfectly with Hanbin’s. He wasn’t experienced either, but he had kissed someone before which gave him an advantage over Hanbin.

Hanbin didn’t know what to do with his hands when they were shrugged off Jinhwan’s shoulders, but he was sure he wanted them to be touching Jinhwan somewhere. He settled on the sides of his arms, gripping gently while Jinhwan tugged him closer. His head spun as Jinhwan took charge, kissing him with more force, knowing exactly what he was doing, slipping his tongue over Hanbin’s lips just barely, a little tease.

Hanbin’s stomach flipped and rolled and his body felt like it was on fire. Was this what attraction felt like? He was overwhelmed with new thoughts and feelings. He wanted nothing, but this, to be trapped in this overheated space with Jinhwan’s lips and hands, gripping and pressing.

Hanbin’s hand eventually fell to Jinhwan’s side. He balled the smaller man’s t-shirt into his fists. Jinhwan wrapped his arms completely around Hanbin’s neck, hugging him to him, making himself taller to kiss him harder, his tongue pressing into his mouth, drawing Hanbin’s out.

Hanbin, again acting on some instinct he didn’t know he had, gripped Jinhwan’s hips and picked up him. Jinhwan’s legs wrapped around his hips and Hanbin pressed him against the wall. A breathy moan escaped Jinhwan and he leaned his head back against the wall.

Hanbin stared at him for a moment. He looked so different than Hanbin had ever seen him. His face was red and covered in a thin layer of sweat just like it was during dance practice but there was something else – pleasure, lust, love? Whatever it was, he looked beautiful. Hanbin’s eyes trailed to his exposed throat, glistening with a sheen of sweat as well. He wanted to touch it, to kiss it, to run his tongue along the curves and dips.

Jinhwan’s eyes opened and he caught Hanbin staring at him in a way he never had before, a touch of curiosity mixed with hunger. Hanbin wanted him.

Hanbin leaned in and pressed his lips to the side of Jinhwan’s neck. He had no idea what he was doing, but his instincts hadn’t led him astray yet so he let them guide him as he kissed and sucked at Jinhwan’s neck. Jinhwan’s soft moans urged him on, letting him know he was doing something right. When his teeth accidentally caught on Jinhwan’s collarbone, he feared he’d made a mistake, but Jinhwan bucked against him and moaned louder. He did it again, this time purposefully raking his teeth gently across the skin over his prominent collarbone.

Jinhwan whined and riggled in his arms. Hanbin could feel how hard he was. Their bodies were pressed so close. He was shocked at how hard he had gotten as well. This was new territory. It excited and terrified him all at once.

“Hanbin,” Jinhwan gasped. “Stop, stop.”

Hanbin had been sucking at his throat when Jinhwan spoke. He stopped instantly and pulled back to look at him. “Did I do something wrong?”

“No. I just… We can’t keep doing this.”

“In the living room, you mean? I can take you to your room.”

“Hanbin, no. It’s going too far.”

“Too far?”

“I’m getting too, you know? I don’t want to…” He willed Hanbin to just understand and put the pieces together. It was embarrassing to talk about this while he was this aroused.

“You don’t want to have sex with me?”

“Not yet. You… you don’t want to have sex with me right now, do you?”

“I… Probably not.” Not if he thought about it outside the cloud of lust.

Jinhwan smiled and slid down out of his arms. “Someday, though?”

He nodded quickly like an eager child and it made Jinhwan laugh.

“Found your attraction to me, huh?”

“Hyung…” He grinned. “I told you I was attracted to you before.”

“I didn’t think you meant that you wanted to press me against the wall and chew on my collarbone.” He wiggled his eyebrows at him.

Hanbin playfully swatted him. “Yah, hyung. Don’t tease! You liked it!” He started to mock his moaning until Jinhwan smacked him arm. Hanbin laughed and leaned down to kiss him softly on the lips. “I really do like you a lot, hyung.”

Jinhwan held him in place when he tried to pull away. He kissed him again. “I like you a lot too, Hanbin.”

Hanbin was glad that he hadn’t said he loved him. He would have felt bad not saying it back, but he wasn’t sure the feelings he’d developed were love… yet. He was sure he would get there, though. Jinhwan was so deserving of love. He would love him one day.

Dr Bombshell & Mr Hollywood

A Jake Gyllenhaal Fan- fiction

Prologue// Chpt 1// Chpt 2// Chpt 3// Chpt 4// Chpt 5// Chpt 6

Chapter 7

        Sunday evening was by far the most phenomenal day Candice had, in terms of fun, in a very long time. As soon as the game began Candice fell completely in her zone and she had even managed to impress the hell out of everyone present. At the end of the day Dave had been a proud captain and both Jaylon and Ronnell were all praises with Ronnell even trying to bribe her into abandoning Dave and joining him for the following matches.

      Even Mabel was surprised and after the glorious victory of the Omega- 3’s, the first question Mabel had asked her was ‘Where the hell have you been? Jheez Candy! I didn’t even know you were so good at this sport.’ Candice blushed but didn’t think it important to remind her best friend that she had been the captain of her team college team and they had won several trophies. She even won several awards, which were now displayed proudly in a pristine glass shelf at Washington State University.

      At the end of the friendly match Pizza’s and beers were ordered and jokes and stories about their spouses and children were shared. Candice kept mum and tried to stay out of anyone’s focus but more often it had been futile since she was the star player of today and so everyone’s attention was on her. Especially Uma. Candice had never thought at the beginning of the evening that she would ever be comfortable with Uma but surprisingly at the end she found out how hilarious Uma really was. Basically Uma was Gemma multiplied hundred times. Candice believed she could handle Uma and her eccentric behaviour.

      After such a beautiful Sunday came Monday bringing along with it, its infamous blues. Candice groaned as she reached out and shut the alarm. She tilted her head and looked outside the window. It was still dark out there and although it wasn’t snowing anymore it was drizzling. Candice saw the little droplets of water glistening under the streetlight against the glass surface. Candice sighed. Strange fact check about Candice- she hates rain. Yes, she loves snow but hates rain. Why? Don’t ask because even she didn’t have a reason for it.

      With the comforts of her warm sheets and Mr Ruskin’s hot body pressed against her sides, Candice didn’t feel like getting up. But work was work and so she closed her eyes counted from five to one backwards and then hopped out of her bed.

      She barely got time to breathe on Mondays as she had three classes to teach and the clinic is almost always full on Mondays, filling up her schedule for early evening to late night. The first class was with master’s student and their class had been on a topic which was more challenging and close to her heart- Maternal Nutrition and it’s consequences. They had discussed and critically analysed some of the studies out there and compared the methods and their varied results. It was fun.

      But then her next class was with first year Grads and that wasn’t something she enjoyed especially considering she would have to face Zachary. After that day, when she had kicked him out her class, she hadn’t seen him and it made her slightly nervous. Also, after just having such a challenging class, to have to talk about the process of digestion wasn’t something appealed to her.

      Mentally preparing herself, Candice pushes open the door to the large hall and entered it. As she did, the rambunctious class fell to a low hush. As usual, on the very first row at the very centre the seat was occupied by one of her least favourite students Brianna. Candice had observed how the slightly obese girl with a bad case of acne and a harsh expression, never mingled with her other classmates. She always sat by herself and had minimal to no contact with her mates. Candice had also made an observation as to how Brianna seemed to have a problem with her although she would never understand why.

“Good morning class. I hope you all had a great weekend.”, she started as she scanned the class and found it devoid of Zach. She didn’t know if she should be relieved by it or not.

“We sure did!”, someone said but Candice couldn’t point out.

“How was yours Dr Averell?”, a slim, blonde seated two rows up from the front row asked in her sweet voice as she twirled a piece of hair in her finger.

“Better. Thank you Cameron.”, Candice smiled back.

“So... Today I am going to talk about the whole process of digestion, absorption and Metabolism.”, there were some groans, some exited rustling of pages showing eagerness to write down notes while some just sat straight with their nose buried in their phone screen.

“Digestion is the first crucial stage where food is broken down to smaller chemical constitutes for absorption. There are two ways this is achieved- Mechanically and chemically.”, Candice moved to the next slide on her presentation, when the door to the hall opened and in strode Zach. Instantly every girl’s, except Brianna, attention was consumed by him and Candice felt compelled to roll her eyes but she didn’t.

“Sorry I am late, Dr A. I was eating breakfast and went in deep thought about all the things I could do during the time I waste during your class and lost track of time.”, he smirked as she took to his usual seat. Immediately the class broke out into an “Ooooohh” and “Burn”. Candice gave the entire class a sharp look before finally settling her glare at the infuriating boy.

“Really?”, Candice feigned surprise, “Well from observing Mr Meyer’s performance in class for an entire year one would assume that he’s incapable of deep contemplation but I am glad to know you can.”, with that Candice turned her attention to her PowerPoint. She ignored the snickers and Zac’s stabbing glare as she went on about peristalsis.

      Candice decided to grab lunch from the ‘Four Hundred Guild’- a restaurant within the campus that served exclusively to the faculty and staff of Pruitt and Hearst University- before going to her next class. She shot Mabel a text, letting her know where she was and then decided to call Bethany to check up on her aunt. Apparently Aunty Aubrey wasn’t doing so well. Her latest cycle of chemo had left her very weak. It had Candice worried but Bethany assured her that she and a few women from the church were doing everything to help her through this. Candice end the conversation with a promise to send some more money by the weekend and also a request to fill her hospital room with some Calla Lily. “She loves them.”, Candice said.

      Over a lip smacking lemon thyme chicken, Candice narrated the whole incident over Zach to Mabel, who was flabbergasted by Zac’s audacity and also found it hard to believe that Candice had stood up against him.

“While I am very proud of you for what you have done, I am also worried. What if he decides to take action on his threat? In my opinion you shouldn’t continue to antagonise him. It’s a question of your career.”, she advised as she shoved a brussel sprout in her mouth.

“I know. It’s just he’s so infuriating.”, Candice grumbled.

        At half past three Candice left from the university. Once again she made a stop at Starbuck on her way to clinic and faced the same server as the last time. She placed her order without making much eye- contact and then sat down at the table. This time Candice had time enough to have her drink at the café.

      As she waited for her Tarragon Chicken Salad Sandwich and a tall cup of Americano she got her laptop out to check her e- mail. There lay a tiny dose of happiness waiting for her and Candice grabbed it.

  From: [email protected]

To: [email protected]

Date: 19 Feb 2018, 10:00 am

 Dear Lynne,

    I have finally got time today and I am determined to spend the day reading and hopefully get to the end of your book. As I am typing this mail, on my desk lies your book, a tall mug of coffee and a lot of snacks. Believe me when I say that I am on a mission to finish this book today.

      You can expect to hear from me by tonight on my opinions on what I thought about the book. Until then I am signing out! Xoxo

                                                  Regards,

                                              An Avid Reader

        Candice grinned. She loved the reader’s enthusiasm and could only hope she felt as enthusiastic once she finishes reading the book. Candice wasn’t one to care much about what other’s opinion. She wrote ‘Love Knows no Bounds’ because it was something she believed and something that she wanted to write about. It didn’t matter if others didn’t buy what she had to sell. But for some unknown reason ‘An Avid Reader’s’ opinion mattered to her very much. She giggled silently to herself at the (xoxo) part making her wonder who the reader could be. Was it a man or a woman? Was he/ she old or young? Which part of US was this person writing from?

 From: [email protected]

To: [email protected]

Date: 19 Feb 2018, 3:45 pm

 An Avid Reader,

  Your enthusiasm towards my work is encouraging. For any artist, I believe, appreciation of their work means above all and they while they can do without it, when a reader like you shows so much eagerness it really gives much pleasure. I hope you continue to show similar gusto until the end and after that too.

      I will be waiting to hear from you as well. Until then happy reading!

                                                Regards,

                                            Lynne Brooks

                                              (Author of-

                                         “Love Knows no Bound”)

        As she ate she went through some more fan sent e- mails and replied to few. She reached clinic on time and Ashley greeted her with a great news that owing to the bad weather, Mrs Laine had cancelled her appointment and so had two other patients.

“Dr Averell. Do you think I could leave early today? Actually it’s my boyfriend and I seven month anniversary.”, Ashley asked. In the three months that Ashley had been working here this was the first time she had asked for anything so Candice didn’t have the heart to say no.

“Sure. Oh and I probably think it’s a good idea because on Wednesday I need you here late. I want all the patient files organised and prepared for the next month’s audit.”, Candice informed. The red head looked happy.

      Candice saw the few patients who had braved the weather while using her free time to update her patient’s information into the software. The said task was mundane and taxing to Candice but something that she had to be done. When only one file was left on the table she opened it and the name sent both, shivers down her spine and anger through her veins. Candice marvelled at being able to experience two varied emotions belonging to different spectrum, simultaneously, at the sight of the same name.

      There is a knock on the door and Candice looked up, expecting to see Ancil walk in but it was Ashley.

“Dr Averell your seven o’ clock is here. I just wanted to ask if it’s alright if I leave?”, Ashley fidgeted with her fingers. Candice thought, amused, if she came off intimidating to Ashley.

“Of course you can leave. Thank you Ashley.”, she smiled. Ashely smiled back nervously before scrambling out the room. Candice wondered what she ever did to intimidate the poor girl.

“Good evening Dr Averell.”, that familiar baritone voice filled her room making her tremble in her seat.

“Good evening Mr Dumont. Please have a seat.”, she mumbled as she motioned for him to take a seat. It didn’t matter if Ashley found her intimidating or not but Ancil managed just fine to drain every ounce of courage she possessed.

“You look gorgeous. As always.”, he lowered his voice and by the time he said always it was merely a whisper. Candice squirmed in her seat as she felt her muscles in her stomach and everything south of it clench.

“Thank you... How are you today?”, she said a little out of breath and blushed deeply. She kept her gaze fixed on the file before her.

“Better than I have been in days.”, he replied.

“Good. How much of the plan have you been able to follow?”, she asked as she made notes on her file.

“Hhhmm...”, Ancil trailed off forcing her to look up when he didn’t say anything for a while. Candice watched mesmerized as he tapped his lean finger against his lips. His face looked like he was genuinely trying to recollect. Candice wanted those lips wrapped around her own, she wanted to run her tongue over it, she wanted to...

      Candice flushed as she found him smirking at her, apparently having caught her staring at his lips. While she knew her body had its natural cravings, she chastised herself for fantasizing about her patient right in front of him. Embarrassed she turned her attention back to the file and for the rest of the session didn’t look up until necessary.

For those of you who asked for more than one thing-I’ll try to make sure I post your ask again when I hit that topic. 

Flower love, team love and family skate below the cut!

It doesn’t surprise Geno in the slightest how often Flower shows up after that first day, although now he rings the doorbell every time and that does surprise Geno.

He’s also pleasantly surprised at how quickly Sidney seems to, not just get used to Flower’s presence, but to also genuinely enjoy it.  He shouldn’t be surprised—Flower is not hard to like.  There’s an easiness to knowing him and his kind nature tends to draw people in.  Sidney is no exception and it makes Geno happy that he’s getting so comfortable around Flower and Gonch, as well.  

Taylor seems to like Flower a lot, too, but she loves Gonch.  That first week she only meets a handful of people—Flower, his girlfriend Vero, Gonch, Gonch’s wife Ksenia and their daughter, Natalie, who is just a couple of months older than Taylor. If there’s a hierarchy, Gonch is third, only after Sidney and Geno and, sometimes, if Gonch stops by, she squeals and abandons both of them for him.  

Gonch had been the only other person he’d told about Sidney—the same time he’d told Flower. It was when they were in Vegas for the awards and Geno was still reeling from the breakup.  Flower and Gonch had finally cornered him in his hotel room and he broke down and told them everything.

So they know and they had been unbelievably supportive and still are and it makes Geno so happy that that support extends to Sidney now.  

But the rest of the team—that’s another story.  He hasn’t told anyone else and he’s not sure how to handle it now that Sidney’s actually here.

He keeps quiet about it through the first couple of weeks back and that’s fine except—except he wants Sidney to come to games.  And family skate is coming up and Flower is throwing a Valentine’s Day party and he can bring Sidney to all of those things but he’s pretty sure if he does it’s going to be very clear that they are far more than just friends.  He’s not ashamed of that but he also doesn’t want to make things difficult in the locker room or on the ice and he has no idea how everyone would react. He’d like to think it wouldn’t be an issue—they’re all good guys—but he’s still a little bit afraid to risk it.

He has to think about it now, though.  And not just because Sidney is here and he wants to give Sidney the happy life he deserves.  He’s leaving Sidney the car today so he can take Taylor to the park and the library so Flower is driving him to practice.

“Are you bringing Sidney and Taylor to family skate?”

Geno’s honestly not sure what to say. He wants to, badly, but he’s not sure if it’s a smart idea so he shrugs.  “Not sure.  Little worried about it, you know?”

“What are you worried about, G?”

“If they think…”  Geno sighs. “Is not easy, Flower.  If they find out maybe they not so happy to share locker room with me.  Not sure is good idea in case they figure out.  Right now, only you and Gonch know.”

Flower gives him an incredulous side eye.

“What?”

“It’s just funny that you think me and Gonch are the only ones that know.”

Geno’s eyes pop open wide. “What you mean?  You tell?!”

“What? No I didn’t tell!  Fuck, what kind of an asshole do you think I am you dick!”

“Then why you say people know.”

Flower sighs. “Geno, I hate to burst your bubble but most of the guys on the team have suspected that Sidney was a lot more than just your friend since approximately November of your rookie year.”

“What? How?!”

Flower rolls his eyes.  “Because you are about as subtle as a puck to the balls. You might say friend but I’ve never heard you talk about any other friend the way you talk about Sidney.  It was kind of obvious.”

“That not true!” But Geno’s ears are turning pink.

Flower puts his wrist to his head and fakes a bad russian accent. “Oh I miss Sid so much.  Oh Sid so perfect.  Did you know sun shine out of Sidney’s every orifice?  Sidney so thoughtful he buy me scraper!  Sidney has best curls!  Sidney best at puck handling!  Did I tell you about time Sidney said very funny thing? Oh and-”

Geno cuts him off with a punch to the arm.

“Ow!” But Flower is laughing at Geno who is slumped down in his seat, face as red as if he’s been running drills.

“Not funny.”

“I disagree.  It’s a little funny.”

“You really think they all know?”  Geno bites his lip.  

“Yeah, I do.  Or at least….strongly suspect.”

“Fuck.”

“You’re missing the point, G.  They know or at least they think they know and they don’t care. It doesn’t bother them.  They all love the shit out of you.  Has any one of them been weird to you?”

“No.  Never.”

“Think about that!”

Geno lets out a deep breath. “It’s…okay but is still scary, Flower, you know? You think is all a joke but this our life we talking about.”

“Hey, I don’t think it’s a joke.  Honestly.  I just, I think you wanted Sidney to be here with you for so long, it seems like a shame to have to hide what he is to you and I know that’s not what you want.”

“Is not what I want but also want to be sure career secure, Sidney and Taylor safe.  Lot to lose.”

Flower nods. “Okay. Okay I get that. Maybe…maybe if you do it a little at a time.  With people you know for sure you can trust.  And, I know you won’t want to hear this but I think you should tell management.  Coach, Mario.  They’ll probably want you to talk to Jen.”

Geno runs a hand through his hair. “You really think no one car?”  He sounds so hopeful.

“G, I would never say it if I didn’t believe it.  Tell you what, think about talking to management, okay?  And in the meantime, maybe you can Sid and Taylor can come over for dinner tonight or tomorrow night.  I’ll invite Tanger, Duper, couple of other guys.  Guys who already pretty much know, you know?”

“Need to talk to Sid.  And maybe…maybe see if Gonch watch Taylor.”

“Sure, whatever works.”

As they pull into the lot Geno, in a wildly uncharacteristic move, gives Flower’s shoulder a brief squeeze. “Thanks.”

Geno is quiet and focused through practice but it’s always there in his mind. What Flower is saying makes a lot of sense and the more he thinks about keeping Sidney hidden away or pretending they’re not more than friends the more he hates the idea.

As they’re leaving the ice he asks Flower if they can stay a bit after showering.

“Yeah, sure. What’s up?”

“Gonna talk to coach, maybe Mario if he can.”

Flower lights up with a smile. “Absolutely.”

It turns out Mario is available so Geno meets with him and coach.  It goes a lot differently than he expects but the gist of it is along the lines of, “I’m in a relationship. With a man and I want to bring him to family skate.”

“Oh?  Your friend Sidney from home? Are we finally going to get to meet him?”

Neither of them looks surprised as Geno sits there dumbfounded while his cheeks turn what must be at least six shades of red.

As it turns out, they do want him to talk to Jen, as well and her response is pretty much the same. “Oh!  Is Sidney finally here?”

Flower laughs himself to tears when Geno tells him about it on the way home.

Geno punches him in the arm again for good measure.

–

Gonch hesitates approximately zero seconds before agreeing to watch Taylor the next night so Geno and Sidney head to Flower’s without her.

True to his word there are only three other people there—Tanger, Duper and, to Geno’s surprise, Dana.  He shouldn’t be surprised.  Dana has been beyond welcoming to Geno.  From the very beginning, he’s been there, working Geno through any equipment issues, chatting and just generally being someone who made Geno feel more like part of the team. More and more Geno is realizing the support he has and is so grateful for it all.

There’s about a three second pause when Geno and Sidney nervously walk into the kitchen hand in hand and then the guys are crowding around Sidney, introducing themselves, calling Geno several unflattering names for not introducing them sooner and just generally being cool.

Geno makes eye contact with Flower who mouths, “Told you,” and smiles.  Geno smiles back because Flower was right.  He really was right.

Later, as they sit around the dining room table playing cards and talking, Flower leans forward.  “So, what you gonna do about family skate?”

Geno thinks about it for a moment and then reaches over to hold Sidney’s hand.  “I think, if Sid want, we just go.  Be normal.  Not hide.”

He looks over at Sidney who is already turning pink but flashes him a shy smile before he nods.  “Yeah. I think…I’m okay with that.”

Tanger smiles broadly and pats the table.  “It’s settled then.”

Sidney glances up at them all, smiling and beyond grateful for the support they’ve shown tonight.  “You really think everyone will be okay about it?”

There’s a chorus of nods and a firm “yes” before Flower says, “And on the off chance anyone a little weird about it? We take care of it.”  

There’s another chorus of agreement and Duper deals the next round.

–

On the morning of family skate, Geno gets up with Taylor while Sidney showers.  It took her a week or so to really get familiar enough with him but now she goes right to him almost any time he reaches for her.  She trusts him and Geno knows that no small gift.

Two days ago, Geno had Taylor over at Gonch’s while Sidney ran to the library.  When Taylor fell and bruised her cheek she, understandably, started wailing.  Gonch reached her first but despite her immense love for Gonch, she pulled away from him and reached for Geno and that—Geno had had to swallow thickly a few times as he took her into his arms to try and comfort her.  She nestled right in under his chin and sucked on her thumb, calming almost immediately.  

It meant a lot to Geno.

This morning Taylor is all smiles and keeps saying “G!” as he gets her diaper changed and settles her into the new high chair they bought for her. That’s also new, something she started saying a few days ago and Geno doesn’t think he’ll ever get tired of it.  He’d even called Mama to tell her all about it.

They eat breakfast together and Sidney tidies up the kitchen while Geno scoops up Taylor and goes to get her ready for the skate.  It’s indoors but he still bundles her up in black leggings and a black and yellow tutu.  He layers a tiny Malkin Jersey over a long sleeved black undershirt and finishes with little ruffly white socks and tiny yellow Converse that he bought her a few days ago.

He knows the black and yellow bow he puts into her hair will be pointless once he puts on her striped Penguins stocking cap but he leaves it in anyhow and snaps a picture to send to Mama and Papa.  

When he carries her into the bedroom, Sidney is pulling on his shoes and looking more than a little nervous.  He stands up straight and holds out his arms.  “Is this okay? I know it says Crosby—it’s the one Mom had made for me.  I didn’t know if…well I can switch to a Malkin one if you want?”

Geno smiles and moves closer to Sidney, kissing him softly before Taylor whacks at their faces with a squeal.  “Is perfect, Sid.  Best.  Please don’t change.”

Sidney takes a deep breath. “Okay.  Yeah.  Okay.”   He glances at Taylor. “Oh my god, G, it looks like the Pens Store threw up on her!”   

“She look amazing!”

Sidney’s laughing.  A lot.  But he nods.  “Yeah. Yeah, she does.”

Once they get to the rink, Sidney only hesitates once, just before they head in. “Geno are you sure? Because if you’re not ready for this or if we just need to lay low I can do that.”

Geno shakes his head. “No. Don’t want to do that, Sid.  This important.  You, Taylor, you my family and don’t want to hide that.”  He reaches out and grabs Sidney’s hand.

“Okay,” Sidney nods.  “Let’s go to family skate.”

They walk in together hand in hand.

Once they’re in the room, they settle on the benches between Duper and Flower as they strip Taylor out of her coat and get skates on.  Geno think they get a few looks when he helps Sidney to his feet and kisses his temple but he just scoops up Taylor, takes Sidney’s hand and leads them to the ice,  Flower and Vero trailing behind.

It’s Taylor’s first time on the ice and the first lap is in Geno’s arms, the second in Sidney’s and the third is in Gonch’s. While Gonch and Ksenia wrangle Taylor, Geno takes Sidney’s hand and together they take a couple laps, joined here and there with random teammates and some of their family members.

Every single person who talks with them is exceptionally nice.  They all also seem to be completely unsurprised at Sidney’s existence, let alone presence.  Sidney loses track of the number of times he hears, “You must be Sidney.”  

He looks up a Geno after the fourth time he hears and all Geno can do is give a sheepish smile and shrug.  “I used to talk about you maybe a lot.”

Sidney beams and leans in, letting Geno wrap an arm around his shoulders.

By the end of the day Sidney’s been introduced to everyone at the skate, Taylor’s been invited to no less than five play dates and at least seven teammates have quietly congratulated Geno and told them how happy they are for him.

It’s a very good day.

The Way You Look Tonight [Grace/Frankie]

Frankie returns from Santa Fe when she and Grace receive a special honor for their business. Inspired by Jane Fonda’s dress at the 2017 Emmy Awards. You know the one (or rather, my interpretation of it. See author’s note). Hope you enjoy (: Here on A03.

***

“I really wish you’d let me take you to Patty’s,” Frankie guilt-tripped for the third time that morning, shuffling after Grace as they approached Lord & Taylor.

“Why, because you’re afraid of the revolving door here?”

“I’m not afraid,” Frankie insisted, hiking her purse up on her shoulder, stopping in her tracks to stretch her calves. “I just prefer establishments that don’t force me to vault myself through a human-sized blender before I can get my shop on.”

“Well, come on then.”

“I mean…okay. You go first.”

“Fine,” Grace sighed, quickly pushing past the spinning entrance. When she reached the other side, she turned back only to find Frankie still waiting, pressing her hand to her sternum as she watched the golden slats between the panes of glass go round and round, counting to herself “One, two, three, one, two, three,” like she was memorizing some sort of life-or-death dance routine. Grace felt her patience running thin, the usual let’s go, Frankie bubbling up inside, but she held it back this time, determined not to do that so much anymore. She pushed it down instead, crossing her arms, trying not to tap her foot as she waited.

“One, two, thr…good fucking Christ…okay, and I’m through,” Frankie exhaled loudly, wiping her brow as she stuck the landing, shaking out the adrenaline. “Alright. Show me where the fancy ladies buy their fancy lady clothes. I’m all yours.”

Grace bit the inside of her lip, blinking a few times before leading them past the men’s ties and the escalators, thankful they didn’t have to brave another “man-made death trap” as they found their way to the evening gown section of the department store.

A few weeks ago, when she received the invitation honoring them and other female entrepreneurs at the Southern California Women’s Business League’s Annual Gala, Grace almost tossed the invitation right in the trash. She and Frankie being honored for Vybrant had to be some kind of joke. Certainly an organization made up of mostly upper to middle class older, white, straight-laced women who were more prudish than she’d ever been had to have made a mistake. They’d done quite a bit of work at winning over that market online, where they could still remain somewhat anonymous. There was still plenty of work to do in person. And yet there it was, right on the mailer, confirmed on their website. They’d even pulled a photo of she and Frankie from the Vybrant media kit, making it clear this was in fact serious. They were receiving some kind of award, and as co-owner of the company, Grace didn’t think she should make the decision to attend or not on her own, even if her best friend and business partner had up and left a few weeks earlier.

Santa Fe was only temporary, Frankie promised. A trial run. A last hurrah, if anything. Grace knew that wasn’t true, not after the pep talk she’d given, not after she’d stupidly restored Frankie’s confidence and made her rethink breaking up with Jacob in the first place. So, the next week, Frankie packed up half her studio and went with him to visit his property there, simple as that.

Except the day she left, Grace could barely make it downstairs to say goodbye. She was nauseous all morning, but played it off like it was a stomach bug she’d picked up from the grandkids. She refused to get Frankie sick before taking the train far away from her doctors, so Grace held her breath dramatically while Frankie threw caution to the wind and wrapped her arms around her anyway. She settled for an air kiss to either side of Grace’s cheek and then hopped into the Lyft with Jacob.

Grace stood in the doorway, watching all her sanity, her safety and stability, the foundation she’d begrudgingly and inevitably built over the past two years get in the car and pull away. But before it could, Jacob looked back one last time from inside the car, made eye contact and slowly mouthed “Thank you.” It took all Grace had not to hurl her coffee mug at him, to stop the cheap Toyota in the driveway by chipping away just a little more at its deteriorating paint job. Instead, she went inside and back up to bed, where she stayed for the good remainder of the day.

That was a little over a month ago. Since then, she’d been determined to let Frankie do her thing, figure out if Santa Fe, and Jacob by extension, really was worth picking up her life and starting over somewhere else. Still, Grace thought it only fair to tell Frankie about the invitation to the gala, not as an excuse to get her to come back. No, definitely not that she told herself. It made sense to present her with all the options. As a business owner. As equals in their mutual success.

She waited until the very last minute to tell her, with only a few days left until the big event, thinking that might make things easier all around. Little did she know Frankie would be so excited, she’d book a flight that very night and be back in town two days later. That gave them just enough time to shop for dresses and make it to the party that evening.

“So, what should I be looking for?” Frankie asked. “What’s the dress code at one of these things anyway?”

“Black tie,” Grace repeated. “That’s why we’re here in the first place.”

“Yes, because you wouldn’t let me take you to Patty’s.”

“Because I don’t feel like showing up to a high society dinner in a mumu made from alpaca fur,” Grace rolled her eyes, running her fingers over the garments calling from their little islands in the center of the showroom.

“Now when have you ever seen me wear alpaca? I mean, outside the house? That I haven’t crocheted myself? You can’t find that at Patty’s. We’d have to go somewhere way out in the bowels of Encinitas for…”

“Can we just focus on what we’re here for, please?” Grace clipped, immediately cursing herself for the tone. She’d really resolved to do better. She had to.

“Okay, Ms. Priestly, then tell me what the latest trends are? What would look good on a woman with my hip-to-ass ratio? Got any hot tips?”

“Maybe don’t talk about your ass when we get there tonight,” Grace smirked, pulling out a navy blue number that might just work. “How about this?”

“Ugh, too boring,” Frankie whined.

“This isn’t backstage at a Rolling Stones concert, okay? This is a business affair.”

“I know that. But what do they always say? Business in the front, party in the back. Is that right? Speaking of which, check this out,” Frankie lifted a bright fuchsia gown off the rack, twirling it between them, mesmerized by the attached necklace, a strip of faux diamonds with emeralds dangling from the hanger. She swatted at it with her free hand, making it swing as it hovered over the extremely low neckline, or what Grace soon realized was the back of the dress. “Jesus, this would look great on you.”

“Me?” Grace balked, mouth agape. “I…yeah, maybe if I was forty years younger.”

“Uh uh, don’t even start with that ageist bull. You know you can rock any gown in this place, and this one’s got you written all over it.”

“Are you kidding me?” Grace continued to look for other options. “Since when have you ever known me to wear something that…that…”

“Unconventional? Exciting? Not that often, I must admit, but why let that stop you? The color’s perfect. It even matches our packaging, sorta. Come on, won’t you try it on for me? Pretty please?” Frankie batted her lashes.

“Why? So you can take a photo and put it up on Snapfish or whatever the hell you want to do with it?”

“Snapchat, Grace. Don’t play dumb, you know what it is. And no, I won’t take any pictures. I’ll be a perfect gentlewoman if you just try it on. And I’ll try on whatever you think would look good on me.”

“What is this, an impromptu say yes night?” Grace complained. “Because I didn’t agree to any…”

“No, no, not tonight. There’s too much pressure, I know it. I wouldn’t do that to you. Just trust me on this. This dress will make us stand out from the crowd, not that we need much help with that. But believe me, they’ll notice you. For all the right reasons.”

“And what about you? I’m not worried about me as much as I am about you. I’m not letting you walk into that place in clogs and a peasant skirt.”

“Oh don’t worry, we’ll find me something. But first, this. Come on, the suspense is killing me. If you hate it, we’ll move on to the next one. What do you say?”

Grace looked down at the dress again. It really was stunning, not something she ever would have picked out for herself, but maybe would have stopped to compliment on someone else if she saw it. Then again, there was no telling unless she tried it on. Frankie clearly saw something she didn’t. Far be it for her to cut down her vision so prematurely.

“If I can’t get it up over my hips, don’t even start to drag me over to the dessert table tonight.”

“Honey, there was no way you were gonna eat any of that anyway,” Frankie shook her head. “Let’s go.”

Read the rest on A03.

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Take 1 Cup Of This (Before Bed), Watch Your Body Fat Melt 238 COMMENTS Olayemi – 2 weeks ago Total nonsense 7 REPLY CUTEE – 2 weeks ago This is a total respect to a legend, Rhema who born him mama, nah like people dey use mouth kill upcoming artiste career, start comparing him with the legends shey eh gbo, Where is Korede bello, where is Rekardo.. 16 4 REPLY iamvjdrey – 2 weeks ago IF REMA IS BIGGER THAN OLAMIDE THEN “BOTTLE WATER” IS BIGGER THAN “CWAY WATER” THEN…. BECAUSE THE DIFFRENT IS CLEAR! 38 1 REPLY Money lee – 1 week ago In body and age is Olamide but in song and popularity its rema mafo 3 15 REPLY Deetiolapon – 1 week ago Shori pe orie Ope kankan 2 REPLY Adams – 3 days ago Baddo is much more popular Dan Rema na no de compare bro REPLY Pablo – 19 hours ago Bro stop smoking unripe weed REPLY Money lee – 1 week ago Olamide is older but rema is better for me am not sure of ur opinion but I will go for rema compare think about guys and again mafo 3 11 REPLY Samuel – 1 week ago Are you lost or what ? 2 REPLY Oluwashindaralayemi – 1 week ago You’re a confused human being REPLY Khalid Olamide – 7 days ago MONEY LEE REDUCE YOUR WEED 1 REPLY SAMGRANT – 7 days ago NICE TAIK REPLY Adetunji – 3 days ago I think you just smoke your weed before you comment.. or your goat is better than you 2 REPLY Ty – 2 weeks ago Rema is still a small boy 17 REPLY ADSA DRAGON – 2 weeks ago dat is madness 4 compare olamide with rema 2geda auto wich level if u don’t no wat 2 post again u better dey 4cast 4 lotto instead of wastin ur time 33 2 REPLY Anonymous – 2 weeks ago ….. Nice talk 13 2 REPLY Anonymous – 4 days ago If rema is better than olamida , likesh is better than don jazzy 3 REPLY Moore – 2 weeks ago Comparing Olamide And Rema is like comparing messi with lingard..SMH 44 1 REPLY Anonymous – 1 week ago People too talk nonsense ….. Spider man boy dey compare with bad man olamide Na wah o noting we no go hear 12 1 REPLY Mr Whooper – 2 weeks ago Mind you guys Rema didn’t start the tread before una go start to insult the boy 10 5 REPLY Klaceeq – 1 week ago Guy dem suppose slap your forehead Mitcheeeeew 15 3 REPLY Ëåzí-mãñê – 1 week ago NYC one bro 3 REPLY Anonymous – 1 week ago 1 REPLY Mr wick – 1 week ago Oga you need Mikano gen for head make you take understand say Rema no be Olamide mate for anywhere abi. 1 REPLY No Insult – 2 weeks ago Rema is bigger than Olamide… Sure 5 58 REPLY Baye – 2 weeks ago No try compare Rema To Olamide… Olamide is a Legend. Rema is a learner 26 3 REPLY Baye – 2 weeks ago Please do not try compare rema to olamide because the different is clear Olamide is a Legend rema still learning 15 3 REPLY Latskillzzz – 1 week ago Hey niggi ar u for real now?? 4 REPLY Bejay – 1 week ago You are just making fun out of this ryt. 1 REPLY Ayo – 1 week ago Eda oponu sha wu tell u say rema is bigger than Olamide Olamide na baba 7 1 REPLY Cashon – 1 week ago Lol na so 1 REPLY Cashon – 1 week ago Lol na so… Let an know 1 REPLY Anonymous – 1 week ago Person way post this nonsense him mama no fit Stan with Badoo 4 REPLY Prince – 1 week ago We shouldn’t be dragging this kind matter. We all know that olamide is bigger than entire Mavins. Iyalaya anybody Eniduro 10 REPLY Rema – 1 week ago LOL.. No Be Lie 1 REPLY Hammerdo – 2 weeks ago You Sha wan kill that small boy carrier 3 3 REPLY Thanks bro Tunde Abdul – 1 week ago Tru talk 1 REPLY Eyan Mayweather – 2 weeks ago Bigger ko! Burger ni! 5 2 REPLY Eyan Mayweather – 2 weeks ago Bigger ko! Burger ni! This must be a joke Sha 3 2 REPLY Victor Joel – 2 weeks ago Who brought this stupid topic? Can you compare Ronaldo and Rashford? Nonsense 13 3 REPLY Bencarl – 2 weeks ago Rubbish talk don’t go and make money and stop fooling urself 4 1 REPLY Bencarl – 2 weeks ago Rubbish talk don’t go and make money and stop fooling urself nonsense 3 1 REPLY Sam – 2 weeks ago The day rema have track like Eni duro … I will accept.. And I know till he die he can’t make it! So disrespectful 10 3 REPLY Anonymous – 1 week ago Never say never 1 REPLY Esse – 3 days ago which president play olamide music..Rema is not bigger than Olamide but Olamide need up him game. REPLY Stupid people – 2 weeks ago Rema if u don’t becareful social media will put ur future under Ur sleepers, you will start matching it around 5 1 REPLY Esther – 1 week ago First off, rema didnt start the trend bro. Y’all shouldnt be insulting him like this This doesnt change the fact Olamide has gone beyond rema REPLY Stupid people – 2 weeks ago Rema if u don’t becareful social media will put ur future under Ur sleepers, you will start matching it around. 4 REPLY iyke – 2 weeks ago una sha want make dis boy career die just like dat…what kind of disrespect post is dis na.. I hate nonsense oo 1 1 REPLY Stupid people – 2 weeks ago Rema if u don’t becareful social media will put ur future under Ur sleepers, you will start matching it around. Nonsence 2 2 REPLY Commenter – 2 weeks ago D poster Lack Sense 3 1 REPLY Harryson – 2 weeks ago You could play Olamide in a party back to back for 5 hours and people would still party all night pls try and play Rema for 1 hr and watch people beat you the organisers and the DJ up . 23 1 REPLY Exc – 2 weeks ago Rema bigger then your papa no be olamide 6 1 REPLY Godwin – 1 week ago Some people no even get sense I swear. Even Fireboy is bigger then Rema 17 2 REPLY ST – 1 week ago Rema is 10 times bigger and better than fireboy 2 22 REPLY Kuvy – 1 week ago Shait to the highest order REPLY Ab – 1 week ago For ur mind, we dey talk matured songs with good lyrics ….. u think say na pangologoo mayawa , FIREBOY is better than Nema sorry Rhema 4 REPLY Nezzaylee – 1 week ago Olodo,imbecile pikin REPLY Anonymous – 1 week ago Fire boy lyric na blasts Compare to rema 2 REPLY bash – 1 week ago make rema come out and use his mouth talk am b4 i go knw wat to say… 4 1 REPLY Ololade Emmanuel Solomon – 1 week ago Mumuic post 1 1 REPLY yeloyelo – 1 week ago madness…stop it pls. 2 1 REPLY Emma – 1 week ago This one loud 1 1 REPLY Kuti – 1 week ago This is comparing Messi with rashford 1 1 REPLY @emmytopsybalder allfatherz – 1 week ago Badoo will always be the greatest rapper in Nigeria till the end of the world I fit swear to my life no other rapper can stand olamide including that “”dagrin”” of you wanna know Mr young “”erikina””” just go to check all his music when his still and upcoming artist like that Rema and compare them together ,,na mumu post this shit 12 3 REPLY Kingshovid – 1 week ago This is interesting…. I will speak in Proverbs The dead lion of Olamide is far and more better than the live lion of Rema… Baba na baba… Baba na the boss of boys 9 2 REPLY GODWIN – 1 week ago You guys just take this matter personal… sincerely speaking rema is bigger than olamide …rema songs go beyond Nigeria unlike olamide within lagos,ogun,osun,ekiti,Oyo,ondo and some part in East …olamide don tail for this game but rema is a learner truly but all his songs goes beyond Africa it enter international…rema song even dey Obama playlist..this guy really tried ….olamide donate headies award not even African award talkless of international….Rema has future 2 21 REPLY Ayo – 1 week ago Werey ni e 5 1 REPLY Ayo – 1 week ago Ehehnn…. U be Werey 1 1 REPLY Abuchi – 1 week ago You’re from which planet 4 1 REPLY Onelove – 1 week ago bro is like you don’t know what you are saying or written, to hell with Rema…. someone that doesn’t have any party song and comparing him with olamide is like comparing Eba with pounded yam. and again to hell with Obama Playlist, yeye somebody like u dey inside Nigeria, eat in Nigeria and do all things in Nigeria and u are talking rubbish about Obama Playlist. 7 1 REPLY Kelly – 1 week ago Godwin I know say your head go wide well well… you no sabi better English. Nah 1 be that… olamide enter billboard top 100 album chart twice spot number 6 ask your parent… be had over 100 hit songs over 40 awards to his own name and how many headies does he have??? 8 just 8 fool. Where you think he got the others from 6 1 REPLY Onelove – 1 week ago Fuck that shit….. please who is Rema? and is he a singer? oh the guy that sang Bad Commando…… smile please jejeli leave the small boy carrier alone so you don’t distroy his carrier ooooooo coz Olamide na baba awon baba….. back to back all the time no be shereshere oooo 2 1 REPLY skin – 1 week ago O ti mad 1 REPLY Banter – 1 week ago Na God go punish your head fool REPLY Oluwa nelson – 1 week ago Guy sorry to say this but i hav to say it ur brain is licking oli cos hav u seen olamide show in london and u are here saying is songs is just here in lagos and some of the states in nigeria…… 1 REPLY Oluwa nelson – 1 week ago Guy y are u saying all this trash wth ur mouth ehn some people go just wake up com dey talk wetin them no no but anyways i guess i no ur problem, even fire boy better pass am which we all know that won… Well no be ur 4th nah ur brain dey shot oli thats y u are saying that 1 REPLY Anonymous – 1 week ago U are very stupid for saying this REPLY Noblebrain – 1 week ago this is crazy legend to novice so embarrassing 2 1 REPLY Sheriff baddest – 1 week ago Nigeria problem dey affect the person wey carry olamide compare the small boy. 2 1 REPLY Magnificent – 1 week ago The person that brought up this question is stupid…sorry to say…ion even knw who the fvck rema or remita watever is…. 2 1 REPLY Rbo – 1 week ago Am asking abeg who be rema, this is the biggest bullshit that ever happen since 1452, how can the number 1 artist of Nigeria be compare to any upcoming artist like rema, rema is just like me an upcoming so better stop thinking about comparing him with badoh 4 1 REPLY No dey talk – 1 week ago Even rema know say olamide big pass am in terms of money and singing . But he beat am for international 1 4 REPLY Kuvy – 1 week ago Uuy ddon smoke how you go talk say rema big pass olamide for international if I slap you u will get ur sense where ever you left it 2 REPLY Yomide – 1 week ago I swear the guy no sabi sing I swear way dey always sing as if he dey teach children rhyme 3 1 REPLY skin – 1 week ago Like say e dey teach kg1 abc 2 REPLY Ij mushin olosa – 1 week ago Yes REPLY Ij mushin olosa – 1 week ago Don’t compare Badoo with this small guy please ,,olamide is elderly person please REPLY Ij mushin olosa – 1 week ago Too hell with you olamide and one they are the same type ,this is rubbish don’t compare them together please REPLY bola – 1 week ago is like been competition with King of jungle lion and tiger, hmmmmm imagine Olamide and Rema answers that question ur self 2 REPLY ulor ikechukwu A. – 1 week ago Nothing but the truth ( he is ) 3 REPLY Gabby – 1 week ago Only a dimwitted cranium would think of this trash 2 REPLY soth – 1 week ago yomide….no kill pesn 4 here oo … I no fit laugh… plz… lmao REPLY Banty wire – 1 week ago Comparing that small dude to BADO Is like you’re telling Mikel to catch Usain Bolt (which is impossible) Absolutely Rubbish.. . RIGHT FROM TIME I DID NOT EVEN LIKE REMA INFACT ANY MAVIN’S ARTIST APART FROM TIWA AFTER THAT HEADIES AGAINST MY ROL_ MODEL LIL_KESH A.K.A_ Y.A.G.I REPLY J. – 1 week ago Please don’t try this at home. Rema ke? Arsenal is bigger than Real Madrid. 2 REPLY Omo ale – 1 week ago Awon omi ti yawere ooo, Olamide with rema…wonder sah never end 1 REPLY hemmysneh – 1 week ago what shit…some stupid fellow will just wake up one day and be blabbing rubbish…Donjazzy his boss can never i repeat can never open is mouth to say that rubbish talkless of Rewhat??..pls we should stop this nonsense b4 u go begin hear say pehzin die…never!..as far as i am concerned nobody is bigger than Baddo…he is and always a king on his lane…is doing me like i should kill the person that started this rubbish..arrant nonsense..Rema…omo omo omo omo kekere to agbado agba king himself you pipu shud stop..bkoz as i am my blood dey hot..any fuvking body wey talk nonsense…nonsense go dey folo ham waka#gbam 7 REPLY Press More – 1 week ago Its not fear for some people to just wake and compare Rema with Olamide Badoo not even Lil Kesh …well sha people can talk sha 3 REPLY Monsuru Lawal – 1 week ago The person using olamide comparing rema stupid statement foolishness REPLY Tboy – 1 week ago Not how far,but how well,we need to put that into consideration REPLY Dat black guy – 1 week ago Baddo definitely beat him with how far….and 4sure with how well 2 REPLY olamijuwon – 1 week ago I know Say na that hin fada, don jazzy go start this mumu thing… Beaf or meat… Olamide na mavins crew idol…. Accept or decline. Badoo is a legend… If international no help us celebrate badoosneh… Street fill ground for you… Ama pawon 6 REPLY Pella – 1 week ago Rema is Bigger than OLAMIDE Nothing wey Musa no go see for gate How can you be comparing and 3 REPLY Pella – 1 week ago Rema is Bigger than OLAMIDE Nothing wey Musa no go see for gate How can you be comparing Tiger and Rat 2 REPLY Orch official – 1 week ago Compare my foot, don’t be bastard, legend i STAN 1 REPLY Tseregh Aondofa – 1 week ago NIGERIA is full of mad people, 1 REPLY Tseregh Aondofa – 1 week ago He’s just mocking so stupid people REPLY Adewale – 1 week ago Fuck who bring this up….. Mother fucker Rema where he dey….. Even Fire boy better Rema REPLY Efe – 1 week ago This is total disrespectful @naijaloaded you shouldn’t even post a thing like this. Who is Rema pls ? REPLY Wareez – 1 week ago Abeg can I know the author of this article cos its annoying comparing rema with olamide If u wants to compare rema with artist u can do that with lil kesh,davolee,fireboy,lyta etc hmm d author must have smoke Canada weed REPLY Bejay – 1 week ago Comedy REPLY Me – 1 week ago Who ever thought of dis is Mad and needs help. REPLY Boyo – 1 week ago Na yam???who dey yarn ds opata REPLY Boyo – 1 week ago Na yam???who is that person who dey yarn posts?Olamide and Rema?miles apart REPLY ##FOCUSS## – 1 week ago If Rema is bigger than Olamide, then cup of water is bigger than the ocean. Lol… Who write ham sef? REPLY Anonymous – 1 week ago Nonsense talk REPLY Kessybwoi – 1 week ago Nonsense talk REPLY B~Y – 1 week ago if u say rema is biger than olamide that mean fireboy is bigger than don jazzy him self d 2 REPLY Kingshovid – 1 week ago This is very interesting… The die lion of olamide is more active and functions than the live cat of Rema. Comparing die with sleep is totally pure madness. 2 REPLY Shola – 1 week ago As mouth no dey pay tax,kontinu! Talking. No be only Rhema, na red wine . Oloriburuku somebody 3 REPLY Shola – 1 week ago As mouth no dey pay tax, kontinu with your nonsense talk. No be only Rhema, na red wine. Oloriburuku somebody. Make una no let me vex o 2 REPLY Brown cash – 1 week ago I’m don’t expect this question from you naijaloaded you piss me off from your site why do compare olamide with that fucking guy or what are you called him REPLY MiMo – 1 week ago All this one you guys are saying is nonsense, u r even wasting time posting left for me, I think that person that came up with the idea should be sued! REPLY Abbey – 1 week ago Naijaloaded will just be saying nonsense REPLY Peter ojogolo – 1 week ago All of una dey mad, now you want to compare Rema to Olamide, which dey that one start to sing, fear no go even let Rema talk am if them ask am, as far as Nigetia in concern Rema nah small boy, till 2022, when him go get stand for the industry and by then Olamide don become Ledeng in the making, so I beg you for peace to continue in this sweet Nigetia just jejely delete that Abomination you called a post 1 REPLY Owolabi – 1 week ago Nonsense that small BOY no na Owolabi REPLY Anonymous – 1 week ago Hmmm……..they want to ruin this guy career by saying rema is bigger than Olamide…. Imagine shaaa REPLY Walexab – 1 week ago I am not surprise if they can compare Naira Marley with Chris Brown so who’s Olamide that they won’t compare with Rema Rema koh Remi Aluko ni 5 REPLY Dakliq – 1 week ago REPLY Young eassy – 1 week ago Kokanmi REPLY Afeez – 1 week ago E don tay way I don dey tell una say baddo na baba, why una too stubborn like this, I beg you in the name of god, make una no kill this REMA BOY career o 2 REPLY Gabby – 1 week ago Rubbish! This bloggers have a way of instigating controversies for personal gain. No basis for comparison. Olamide is already established while Rema is still an upcoming artist. Besides, they played different type of music. 1 REPLY hibee – 1 week ago I swear I have not even hear that guy (Rema) music before. I only know him when headies give him award REPLY T-klaxic – 1 week ago You be fool, big fool na you be. If I see who dey write all these nonsense een, I go beat you. Why you go use local government dey compare federal government? Re wetin. Oh this person na big goat oh. Baba ola nor mind them, na mumu when dey there linage dey follow them till now. 3 REPLY Qweenet – 1 week ago Hu wan compare ancestor 2 last mama pikin rema no fit compare himself wit his ancestor fa. i pity d guy career 1 REPLY – 1 week ago Naijaloaded ti yawerey …. Agreed if fireboy is also bigger than donjazzy entire career 2 REPLY Ollyhood – 1 week ago U didn’t get my attention REPLY Ollyhood – 1 week ago Up till now! ..u didn’t get my attention REPLY Ollyhood – 1 week ago Just dey observe till now. Anyway, you didn’t get my attention. More reasonable things dey to indulge in REPLY #B.O – 1 week ago Anyone who agrees to this is an ignoramus and mankind why post this rubbish REPLY Oluwadrez – 1 week ago Who brought this matter up Gan self ,Ogun kill rema ,fireboy boy Gan pass rema ,joeboy pass rema,who be rema ,don’t let me hate this guy 2 REPLY Dakliq – 1 week ago I swear those people way post this thing no get sence ajeh REPLY Anonymous – 1 week ago coming years from now remi boy might be better Dan olamide. So make una no finish d boy abeg. As for now olamide is the big boss. REPLY Sophia… – 1 week ago E don tey wey ynash dey back…. Although rema is trying, but u can never ever compare him to d king himself… Baddosneh.. I think its an insult. Y not compare him to fireboy or crayon? I think that’s he’s level for now REPLY Savage – 1 week ago Pure lie…. Rema na small boy REPLY Dakliq – 1 week ago Is like this blog no dey think before them dey post rubbish for here. Well I can am maybe una won make money shay, because fireboy and black dog rema or waiting be is name no they the same leave talkless of lil Kesh baba shoki. Becareful 1 REPLY Ayodeji – 1 week ago For me. Music is time and everybody has his own lane. Presently rema is bigger and more recognized than he is because rema music is kind of universal compared to olamide music. But still we don’t compare lion to tiger. So olamide shouldn’t be compared to him because they’re not even on the same train and Line 1 REPLY Riro_mania – 1 week ago It’s quite obvious we all know when such a post of comparison hit the air online.It simply mean they just want people to geh mad ni.”Ta lo je gbe na wo oju ekun”,In fact m jst hearing the so call Rema or Neyma 4 the 1st tym.You guys shouldn’t kill the little boy’s career by comparing him with no single match.Badoosne no be chericanbia! REPLY Elizabeth – 1 week ago Who is the goat that started this, that Rema that sings like his in India Abeg nobody should disrespect my Olamide, and if he like he should collect 1m awards Olamide is the father 1 REPLY olat – 1 week ago who be rema compare with olamide. pls rema na small boy stop nonsense REPLY Anonymous – 1 week ago who that one help? to compare olamide with rema? REPLY Anonymous – 1 week ago Naijaloaded you Will die ni oooo REPLY Escobar – 1 week ago This tipical rubbish compare living legend to kindergating boy is like comparing ronaldo to greenwood REPLY WB – 1 week ago All of una wey Dey comment 4 ye nor get singo senz at all… cos u guys already know d truth… nonsenz comparison REPLY WB – 1 week ago All of una wey Dey ye Dey comment nor get senz at all koz u guys already knw d truth REPLY Lord Collins – 1 week ago Who is Rema, pls? Is it d 15 yr old little boy dat sang Dumebi? Hmmmm… Joker. 1 REPLY Accuracy – 1 week ago Olamide no be rema mate oo abeg make una know stop using my guy for rubbish 1 REPLY Starboimerzy – 1 week ago Even Don jazzy him baba no reach fireboi talk more of Baddo 1 REPLY Livingstone – 1 week ago Sha with dis secondary School song e day sing REPLY Last kid – 1 week ago Please who is Rema ? this country sha ,Nigeria is full of shit ! Rema na kiddo even fireboy is better then Rema ,talkless of olamide ..! 1 REPLY Fatcat – 1 week ago Disrespectful. Why would you compare Olamide and Rema? Olamide na daddy rema na still baby REPLY Claire Peters – 1 week ago Rema was never the one comparing himself to Badoo… let’s stop giving d nigga a bad name….He himself knows he’s no match to olamide … it’s just he’s hardworks that he’s riping jst as olamide ripped his…. 1 REPLY Mayor – 1 week ago Pls can someone play me Rema’s hit song before I can compare him with Ozzy Bosco…. 2 REPLY ekun – 1 week ago it will not berra for who ever sarted this comparism eni ku re REPLY Glycosunde – 1 week ago How can you compare king kong to chiwawa. The full mavin crew including don jazzy together nor reach olamide REPLY WiseWisdom – 1 week ago How will u compare upcoming indian artist dat dey deported to nigeria to A Nigerian Legend. Pls lets be guided REPLY WiseWisdom – 1 week ago How will you compare an Indian artist that was deported to nigeria to a nigerian legend. Please lets be guided o. Im sure the boy wasnt the 1 dat started the thread. You people should not go and destroy his career o. REPLY uzoma – 1 week ago make thunder fire the person wey bring this topic even local singer sing pass rema 1 REPLY Benz – 1 week ago Why you people no even talk about your own business? REPLY Lanree – 1 week ago I think this is just so disrespectful.. I mean.. No no be everything we go dey take play na.. 1 REPLY Edidem – 1 week ago Even Hitboy Kellz Sing/better pass Rema, naim dem dey compare to Baddooo Olamide is King 1 REPLY Anonymous – 1 week ago Like seriously…. who will be more foolish enough to compare olamide and Rema ☻ tell me who is rema if not because of the song he sang #dumebi# that made him blow how many is his body I know if olamide have drop one hit song during the time #dumebi# is raining rema song can never blow…..OLAMIDE is a great legend boss of all bosses so my people don’t let dumebi confuse you guys and allow motigbana moti elevate into the post one Love #OLAMIDE# 1 REPLY Gregorinhno – 1 week ago This comparison is horrible. Besides the comparison being disrespectful it’s so embarrassing to the music industry of Nigeria. Olamide is a legend. A very big musical artist with his own record label and you’re coming him to a Mavin record layman. Really? May God almighty enhance you guys ability to reason, so help me God!!!!! 1 REPLY Nelly – 1 week ago Matter arising…More life to you THE VOICE OF THE STREET..Baddosneh,please I don’t see myself to be indulging in such posts but to be honest I think we all know the truth,can you ever try to use your tongue to ascertain how hurting a fire could be???t Please I don’t want to know who spent his/her stupid time posting these but don’t try these next time…this is an insult to the street and to the Nigeria music Industry comparing that new born baby to a father of many in the world of music(olamide…ENI DURO..respect.. 1 REPLY Raphael – 1 week ago The person that compare Olamide legend to Rema of yesterday together is very stupid Olamide alone self is bigger than that Mavin s 2 REPLY John – 1 week ago Even #T Classic – (Nobody fine pas yu) lyrics dope pas dat #Rema (Dumebi) … So if u go compard, compare him wit ..T Classic, Fireboy, Lyta … Even Victor Ad no b him mate.. Mr Poster is lyk u get stretch mark 4 brain 2 REPLY Babat – 1 week ago Totally nonsense 1 REPLY John – 1 week ago Even #T Classic – (Nobody fine pas yu) lyrics dope pas dat #Rema (Dumebi) … So if u go compard, compare him wit ..T Classic, Fireboy, Lyta … Even Zlatan no b him mate.. Mr Poster is lyk u get stretch mark 4 brain 3 REPLY Mr wick – 1 week ago #Toatl nonsense #Wonder shall never end #Rubbish #Abeg make you get sense Well Only the wise go just look and pass. Lion get meeting na him Chicken self wan go host match abeg who done good done good finish #Make rema still hustle well the street they wide… 1 REPLY sherifhoody – 1 week ago this is nonsense, how can u be comparing olamide and rhema???!, even lyta is better than Rena, its just like comparing messing with ansu fai 1 REPLY Dre-skilz – 1 week ago E be lyk say the author of dis article Don go kirikiri before, or nah vio kill his mama @naijaloaded u Don broke abi u dey find money, awon weyray 2 REPLY general youngkido – 1 week ago see Me see trouble wetting Rema dey sing, the guy worst pass vico REPLY Young Nigga – 1 week ago Una go just wake up and start write nonsense. REPLY Oluwadiceofficial – 1 week ago Who do ever compare Olamide and Rema must compare Nigeria with Kuwait which simply means that the person is totally mad, like very soon he will be moving around without clothes Rema can never see Olamide back as long as music is concerned.. REPLY Salaamighty – 1 week ago Of course nah, Rema is bigger than Olamide the same way Victor AD is bigger than Drake…… Foolish naijaloaded 1 REPLY JEROME GENESIS – 1 week ago Olamide is a legend Rema is upcoming So u can’t compare a legend with an upcoming star Respect old age make u for go far REPLY Marvelous Imafidon – 1 week ago See the different is very clear you comparing Olamide with real is very bad, at least you can compare rema to fireboy base on they are both upcoming if you want to compare Olamide you will compare him with davido or wizkid REPLY Mr water – 1 week ago This is rubbish mehn. Who started this rubbish self, I think that person need deliverance, sensible person will not be saying senseless things like this 1 REPLY Mr water – 1 week ago If that’s the case, then he’s bigger than his boss which is Don jazzy 1 REPLY MAYOR DEE – 1 week ago EHH NO PROBLEM, IF REMA IS BIGGER THAN OLAMIDE, FIRE BOY IS BIGGER THEN DON JAZZY TOO. SE B UNA SABI COMPARE AWON WEREY 1 REPLY K lavish – 1 week ago Olamide na baba for the street.why comparing him to that small boy rema. Nawa oh NL. REPLY Anonymous – 1 week ago well its obvious some people are educated illiterate your 10mb will soon finish imagine comparing someone that always repeat after beat with a legend REPLY mc originalgee – 1 week ago well its obvious some people are educated illiterate your 10mb will soon finish imagine comparing someone that always repeat after beat with a legend 1 REPLY MeL – 1 week ago If rema is bigger then Ifa is bigger than Jesus!!! REPLY Anonymous – 1 week ago Imagine some one comparing face mi i slap u house with dangote tinted glass house. Imagine this rubbish comparison, badosney eyan olu-omo sney eyan seyi tinubus sney 1 REPLY FEMZY YUNG – 1 week ago Only olamide wo is better than rema past present and future career REPLY Ayobami – 1 week ago Ahswear dis tin na rubbish ..wait na bcus d giv rema Next rated artiste fr HEADIES AWARD na e d guy one make name …dat one na rubbish REPLY Proffshizzy – 1 week ago Who post this nonsense self please stop comparing loud to tobacco Badoo nar Baba if you want compared Don baba to Badoo. If you compare Olamide to Don jazzy self nar Badoo I go choose because nar Baba please doing trash here again if you continoud to compare pikin to Baba … I will realese my Dog to lick that person Brain till you will die Bye for now 1 REPLY Admire – 1 week ago guys no cause for alarm this shit needs no long story how can you compare a sweet cherry tree thats is fruitful to the one that is just growing which will take years to grow and be fruitful mehhnn this is fuck from were to were abi god won punish their generation who be the shit head wey bring this post?. shopona ma kiss idi iya eee!!!… baddoo dem no plenty make dem dey come eni duro!!!… 2 REPLY Admire – 1 week ago ggg 1 REPLY Real ultimateRidean – 1 week ago Na ogun go kill rema REPLY Fuckk – 1 week ago E b like say brain Dey pepper una REPLY Anonymous – 1 week ago D person wen dey compare god and servant together dey crazy well well REPLY nazky – 1 week ago dis guy 2 small na una wan kill am wre dem 4 born rema REPLY Vvvvv – 1 week ago Wetin self make I hear word wetin olamide dey sing.thesame nonsense wey him dey sing na him remq the sing.make jobless wobe boys wet no no good music go rest or use ur borrowed data for something else.fuck you alll REPLY Snow – 1 week ago The person wen post this shit no get sense at all…….even lyta wen olamide pursue better rema REPLY Gabriel – 1 week ago you guys are just saying all you are saying didn’t you people know that they are just using you to get there MB because any comments you make your MB will go for it so why you all bording yourself about it REPLY ford_grafix – 1 week ago Wetin we no go see for 9ja…….Some jobless people would just wake up one morning and start talking Rubbish on Social media…….Before it was “Rema and Wizkid” Now is “Rema and Olamide” No doubt the guy(Rema) is Good….But never you compare him with Olamide (Baddo)……I don’t just believe it, You didn’t even say, Fire Boy, or someone else Haaaa you guys went straight to the boss (Baddo)…… Let’s just drop this shit jare…. REPLY Pepe323 – 1 week ago If u compare Rema with Bad do That is x≤1 Which means Nokia 1110 is better than iPhone 11 1 REPLY Nicole – 1 week ago I won’t believe this yet until Rema comes out himself and repeat wat you Guy’s are saying…. I keep my comment till then REPLY Pepe323 – 1 week ago I download my latest Naija hit music in sefan.ru than Naijaloaded REPLY Holla – 1 week ago I think they want to kill Rema, as they are comparing him to badoo REPLY Healer – 1 week ago Fuck rema….Abi eh gbo ni novice to legend.. REPLY Anreyy – 1 week ago Which kind nonsense talk be day ,make ins no go put hand for fire Rena is Good accepted ,but n.a. in papa be dat , REPLY Manchiasebe – 1 week ago I only know Rema is 100% better than #Wizkid But olamide ? It’s an insult 1 REPLY MIANKEE – 1 week ago Una father well well .who make the comparison. I must shoot him leg .boss olamide . In short mavin record una father . Men go put fire for that studio . Give us two days una go hear am their studio men go set am ablaze I swear REPLY Anonymous – 1 week ago Stop posting rubbish…wetin rema don archive REPLY Harbbey Next – 1 week ago It only a fool dat we say Lagos is better day US 1 REPLY Chidosky – 1 week ago Dis is total disrespect Rena has nt finished comparing with fieeboy its now olamide #ybnl_boss haba its nt worth it REPLY Akin – 1 week ago All this olamide hooligans wont let people talk. Olamide no be artist I swear. Rema is fucking Good than him. 2 REPLY Oluetoas17 – 1 week ago Thank God This is exactly d way u hipped korede bello and Ricardo banks till they all enter into forgotten book abeg keep hipping dis one also make we no find am agelain next year Useless group of people REPLY Anonymous – 1 week ago day is a lie dis baby compared to d Lord of rapping REPLY Elchapos – 7 days ago Nigeria is bigger than United States Vatican city is bigger than Russia kano pillar is bigger than real Madrid rashford is bigger than Cr7 nonsense 1 REPLY 02net – 6 days ago That person were talk that thing dey mad, no be he dey talk na alcohol dey do worm REPLY Baron_Gee – 6 days ago Rubbish talk REPLY Draxs – 5 days ago pls who is rema beside olamide Olamide should be compared with Don jazzy no don jazzy’s baby boy e jooor oooooo ani hybernate ooo REPLY TYNIZ – 5 days ago Remain good pass olamide who talk am I don die …baddo sneh don suffer notin wey musa no go see for gate even pawson kill or remain songs see wetin person dey sing amaka body sweet pass hot eba …u don chop eva with 3 days warmed ogbornor u go no sey amaka body nor reach so stop dis nonsense….#TYNIZI# 1 REPLY Dahmi – 5 days ago How could they say legend when Iya rainbow is there? 1 REPLY Young Milli – 4 days ago don’t comparing rema to all dis artirste adekunle gold,lil kesh,reekado,kizz daniel not to talk of olamide REPLY Young Milli – 4 days ago i like fireboy pass him 1 REPLY Freedom – 2 days ago Many of una still dey sleep. Who be Rema compare to Olamide? REPLY Feranmi – 2 days ago all i know is that, the one who write this trash is a bastard. REPLY Anonymous – 15 hours ago stop this nonsense, waytin rema dey sing, he no sing reach fireboy na REPLY Sneeze101.. – 14 hours ago Thunder fire reme there,please is very disrespectful to compare badoo with rema or wetin be hin name…all hin generations including there ancestors no reach… REPLY Snowtee – 10 hours ago This Nigeria self ehh nawa ohh when u dae compare rat to LION, shey u want to kill the rat nii. well no b ur fault maybe nah the nurse fault wey she give mental people phone to be posting rubbish. Abeg Mr poster u better go do check up maybe u don have brain problem I no go blame the person wey post this rubbish maybe sun don eat all the brain that the nigga have that’s why, everybody no that sun is heavy this nowadays ,mumu nigga REPLY Just0kay – 8 hours ago kukuma use mouth kill the boi nah comparing rat to tiger REPLY Anonymous – 6 hours ago let this Rema try Farming REPLY Anonymous – 6 hours ago we have a benin singer..AKOBE..and he’s even 3,000000 percent better than this folish fool REPLY REPLY All fields are required! Name Comment . . . SEARCH FOR POST Join our 5,408,907 Subscribers Get latest Music & Entertainment Gist updates Email Address Raploard – Ori Lomo Download Here Tekno – Skeletun Watch Here 2 Years Without Any Award – What Is Wrong With Olamide? TRENDING!!! “Rema Is Bigger Than Olamide” – What Do You Have To Say About This? SO TOUCHING!! Read This Short Story Of Two Lovers And Tell What You Will Do If You Are The One? TRENDING SONGS RIGHT NOW Davido Ft. 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One of These Nights (3/?); jongyu; pg

Jinki knows that he’s gay. What he doesn’t know is how to handle a crush on someone as entwined in the music industry as he is.

part 1 - part 2

sorry again that this has been such a wait! ^^; this follows jinki through lucifer promotions and is more of the slow burn 8) and for the chat part...this is the day and outfit jong is referencing

thanks as always @yurilikesgirls and @jongyued for all their help!

slight warning for brief homophobia/relateable closeted gay feels

"Hyung, get off of your phone," Minho whines. "Don't you want to listen to the game?"

Jinki ignores him and lifts up his book. His phone is still tucked between the open pages of the trot history book, but hopefully pretending to read would keep Minho from bothering him. He didn’t know that Jinki had already finished the book last week, and only kept it on him for his discussions with Jonghyun. For every chapter, Jonghyun had been sending him commentary: stories of all the artists he remembers playing from his mother's cassettes at the record shop she had used to own, nostalgia for the genre’s simple two-beat rhythm, and requests for Jinki to sing him one song or another the next time they meet. When his phone lights up with another request -- and a promise to buy Jinki drinks if he sings it -- he smiles, unable to hide his excitement.

"You could at least respond to the people you’re around, you know," Minho huffs, apparently not giving up on getting his attention. “You look happier about your phone than your members, lately.”

In the seat behind him, Jinki can practically hear Kibum rolling his eyes when he sighs. "Just let him be, Minho -- he's probably texting Jonghyun again. The old man needs someone his age to talk with."

Jinki shoots a glare back at Kibum, then returns to his phone. It does help for him to have someone outside of the band to talk to, especially during promotions. When he’s forced to spend every waking with the members, untangling tensions and trying to smother any new problems before they blow up, he needs a lifeline to the outside world to keep from going insane.

The game cuts to commercials, and Gyeongshik switches his attention away from the radio to their conversation. “Is it that Kim Jonghyun? The one who wrote some songs for your last album?"

"Yeah, that one," Taemin answers. "Jinki's gotten real close to him lately."

"Huh." He blinks, letting the car roll a few feet ahead before stopping again. "You know, I used to listen to his radio show, but I haven't listened to his show ever since he started stirring up controversy online.”

Jinki leans towards the front seats with interest -- as much as Jonghyun had shared with him about his radio show, he had never mentioned anything going wrong. "He had scandal?"

"Yeah. He posted something about that movement -- I forgot what it was called already -- the one at that university, where some student left a letter on a board talking about all sorts of stuff.  Basically coming out in support of homosexuals," he explains, and Jinki freezes, skin immediately prickling at the subtle disdain his manager layers into the word. "I heard they had to filter the show's messages for a little bit after that, since he was getting harassment. He should have expected it, really, saying things like that online..."

The leather of the front seat creaks under Jinki's fingers when he clenches his hand before retreating. He fiddles with his phone as the other members speak, rereading Jonghyun's last message to distract himself from the nervous swirl of nausea in his stomach.

He hates hearing the words for people like him. Even when they’re euphemisms, and even when the person saying them doesn’t wear a disgusted curl on their lip as Gyeongshik does -- it makes him sweat. Jinki wipes his palms on his jeans and keeps his face carefully blank. He’s never been able to shake the fear that some small expression or gesture will somehow pull everyone's attention towards him when the topic arises.

Thankfully, an announcement of an upcoming soccer game on the radio saves him -- Minho knocks his elbows into Jinki and Kibum in his rush to turn up the volume on the stereo, and the conversation ends there, drowned out under the flood of stats and predictions that Minho throws out as easily as the paid commentators.

With a sigh, Jinki reopens his phone and taps out a half-hearted response to Jonghyun's last text and sets down his phone. Though he's certain the topic is over for now, his heart is still racing, and he can’t bring himself to add the jokes and faces he usually adds to his messages. The knowledge that Jonghyun would risk public blowback to support him is a small comfort. He won't risk coming out to him -- he'd already decided not to air that secret to anyone -- but it's nice to know that Jonghyun might not be disgusted by him if he did.

He lays his head back against the carseat. It’s hard to imagine a life where he would feel up to the risk. Maybe if he weren't an idol, he could tell Jonghyun, or a few close friends -- maybe he'd even have the courage to ask Jonghyun out, if it wouldn’t ruin their friendship completely. But he has four other careers resting on him keeping that part of himself hidden, on top of his own, and he could never bring himself to risk that. Not for a miniscule shot at a crush.

***

As always, Jinki’s stomach was full of butterflies when the time came for their new song to be thrown in the competition of music shows. And like always, he’d had his doubts of their success -- their new title track was radically different from the last, and the pants they’d had to squeeze him in for the performance only raised his doubts -- but somehow, it had all come together. They’d won their first award, danced through their encore, and finally filed back into the dressing room to pick confetti out of their hair before changing into their own clothes to head home.

When Jinki returns to the dressing room, his phone is buzzing in his bag, and he already knows who it is. He rushes to give the staff a final bow and thanks, then passes their trophy over to Minho, letting him pose with it as he digs up his phone. He smiles at the string of missed messages from Jonghyun.

realjonghyun85: Jinki-yah!!!! Congratulations!!

realjonghyun85: I watched your performance tonight!!!

realjonghyun85: You got your first win!!! I'm so happy for you, Jinki-yah

realjonghyun85: Your live was so good he he ... did you eat the extra CDs I bought? Is that where they went?

majingki: Ahhh I’m embarrassed

majingki: Thank you hyung ^^

majingki: You're too nice TT I still need to improve more

realjonghyun85: And you’re so humble ... but that's why you keep getting better isn't it ^^

realjonghyun85: You have to let me buy you a meal when you're done promoting, alright?

realjonghyun85: Or I can buy you drinks for each win you get ... your pick

majingki: Well, I'm going to need the drink he he

majingki: But food sounds good too TT

majingki: Do I really have to pick between them?

majingki: And if I pick food, you'll buy meat right...?

realjonghyun85: Ah!! Stop being cute

realjonghyun85: You don't have to pick

realjonghyun85: Of course I'll buy you both~

majingki: You don't have to ^^;

realjonghyun85: Well, you can't stop me now!!

realjonghyun85: So really ^^ Let me treat my winning dongsaeng

majingki: Ok~

majingki: Thank you hyung ^^

majingki: I didn't realize you would be watching our performance

realjonghyun85; Of course!

realjonghyun85: I never miss any music show he he

realjonghyun85: Me and my sister usually watch them together

realjonghyun85: I wanted to watch it for you anyway

reajonghyun85: That fishnet open back shirt...

realjonghyun85: Interesting styles idols are wearing these days ... he he

majingki: Please, don't tease me about it... TT

majingki: It's not like I pick the clothes out

majingki: We just have to dress flashy for our concept

realjonghyun85: That shirt was different from your usual image

realjonghyun85: You looked good

majingki: Hyung TT You're embarrassing me

realjonghyun85: Am I?

majingki: Yeah ... I'm not used to wearing things like that ... but it was a bit fun ^^

majingki: Made it easier to not get as sweaty since it was open

realjonghyun85: Yeah, I bet...

realjonghyun85: You seemed to enjoy it as much as the crowd

realjonghyun85: They liked seeing that much of you he he

majingki: Hyung!!!

majingki: Why are you like this ... I'm blushing

realjonghyun85: Ah, I'm teasing you too much, aren't I?

realjonghyun85: Sorry Jinki-yah

realjonghyun85: It’s hard not to...

realjonghyun85: I'm a little drunk

majingki: Oh?

realjonghyun85: Yeah, noona bought us drinks to watch the show...

realjonghyun85: I’ve had a few he he

realjonghyun85: And she's already sick of me talking so much, so I messaged you

realjonghuyn85: Hopefully you don’t mind? ^^

majingki: I don't mind it hyung ^^

majingki: I like how talkative you are

realjonghyun85: Well, you're probably the first person to ever say that

realjonghyun85: Too kind ... my angel-hearted Jinki-yah

majingki: I’m just being honest hyung ^^

realjonghyun85: I'll believe you this time

realjonghyun85: But I should leave you alone ... I'm sure you want to celebrate the win with your members

majingki: Aw, you don't have to TTT

majingki: We'll probably just rest and eat...

majingki: Too tired for much else now

realjonghyun85: Well, I'll let you rest well then ^^

realjonghyun85: Noona is bugging me now anyway

realjonghyun85: She says I'm too drunk to be texting

majingki: You don't seem that drunk...

realljonghyun85: I know!! I told her you couldn't even tell!!

realjonghyun85: But I really am drunk ...

realjonghyun85: You just can't see my face he he

realjonghyun85: I'm actually all flushed

majingki: I wish I could see

majingki: It's been a while since you've been that drunk

realjonghyun85: Don't tempt me to send you a photo

realjonghyun85: That'll be embarrassing later

majingki: Why? ^^

majingki: You think I'll tease you about it?

realjonghyun85: Maybe he he

realjonghyun85: You're always a little unpredictable

majingki: Yeah? ^^

majingki: It's fun though, right?

realjonghyun85: Of course~

realjonghyun85: I always have fun with you

majingki: I have fun with you too, hyung ^^

realjonghyun85: Ahhh... you’re making me miss you more TT

realjonghyun85: I have to go now...

realjonghyun85: I can tell I'm getting ridiculous...

realjonghyun85: Better to inflict that on my noona than a busy idol like you

majingki: Okay hyung TT

majingki: I'll have to go back to the dorm with the members now anyway

majingki: But don't forget you can message me~ I'll respond between schedules

majingki: And come to my musical next week! Please?

majingki: I can probably meet you back stage ^^

realjonghyun85: Of course I'll be there! I know how hard you've been working

realjonghyun85: Later Jinki-yah!!

***

Jinki’s knee bounces double-time as he checks his phone for the third time in five minutes as he waits in the dressing room. He'd told Jonghyun to meet him backstage after his afternoon performance, in the short gap before preparations for the evening one. The last message from he’d gotten from Jonghyun had mentioned that he was bringing his sister along, so he hadn't even bothered to change out of his final costume from their afternoon performance, too afraid of being caught off guard.

With most of the other cast members out to grab food, the dressing room is quiet, and he hears Jonghyun's voice echoing down the hall even before a staff members knocks on the door.

"Jinki-ssi -- someone's here to see you."

Jinki jumps out of his chair and bounds to the door, swinging it open to grin widely at Jonghyun. "Youre here!"

"Shit, Jinki-yah!”  Jonghyun exhales, one hand thrown over his chest. “You don't need to startle me like that! And of course I'm here -- I'm only late when there's no schedule to stick to."

"Sorry, hyung." Jinki smile broadens when he sees that one of Jonghyun's arms has stayed stubbornly hidden behind his back. He leans to the side to try and steal a glance, heart fluttering at the possibility that Jonghyun had bought him a gift.

Catching Jinki's intent, Jonghyun steps back from the doorway before Jinki can tell what he's brought. "You look really different dressed like this." Jonghyun says, deflecting Jinki's attention from whatever he's hiding when he looks him up and down.

Jinki's nerves itch at the intensity of his stare. He fidgets with his belt, suddenly conscious of the extra attention it brings to the tightness of his jeans. "A good different, I hope?"

"Yeah, for sure -- I mean, I'm used to seeing you in makeup for shows on TV, but with these clothes, and your hair like this...you really look like a rock star."

"Thanks," Jinki straightens his back, confidence quickly soaring from the compliment. "I was a little worried I'm too soft to suit this kind of image."

"No, it really suits you, especially with the long hair--"

The sound of a woman clearing her throat interrupts him. "Are you ever going to move, Jjong? I can't get through the door to introduce myself with you standing there..."

"Right, sorry." Jonghyun shuffles quickly into the room, letting the woman follow behind in him. Jonghyun gestures to her, introducing her with a proud smile. "Jinki, this is my sister Sodam."

Jinki fixes the grin he had been wearing into a polite smile before he bows, making sure to bend to the full ninety degrees. He knows how much Jonghyun's sister means to him, and he wants to make a good impression. "It's nice to meet you."

"It's good to finally meet you too, Jinki." She smiles after returning the bow. "Jonghyun talks so much about you."

"She's just reciting cliches," Jonghyun mumbles, embarrassed. Sodam shakes her head from behind Jonghyun's shoulder, making Jinki grin. There's no reason for it, but having Sodam's approval of their friendship makes his crush seem a little less pathetic.

"We've gotten close these past few months, right? You don't need to be embarrassed about it, I'm flattered that you talk about me," Jinki says, feeling bold. When Jonghyun only shrugs shyly, Jinki points to the flowers in Jonghyun's hands. "...Are those for me?"

"Oh, right!" Jonghyun snaps out of his flustered state to hold the bouquet out for him. "We picked these up on the way for you."

Jinki takes them from Jonghyun hands, hiding his smile behind the thick bundle of flowers when he pulls them close. He doesn't want to look too delighted, but it’s the first time he’s ever been given flowers from anyone other than his parents.

"Jjong picked out the roses," Sodam says with a nudge at Jonghyun's shoulder.

Jonghyun jostles her back roughly. "I wanted to get something nice, and I don't know anything about flowers. I just grabbed whatever I could find."

"Well, they're really nice," Jinki says. He leans the bouquet back towards him, sighing at the fresh scent. "Thank you, hyung. I like them a lot."

Jonghyun scratches at the back of his neck, a pleased smile on his lips. "You're welcome."

Both of them rock back on their heels as the conversation stilts. When the silence begins to drag on, Sodam clears her throat. "So, how long can we stay back here before we get kicked out? I don't want to get you in trouble if we linger."

Jinki pokes his head out of the door. He'd found that he could judge how long they had before things got frantic by the pace of the stage crews' steps; that only half of them were only power-walking meant they still had some time left. "Maybe a few more minutes, since I still have to change...I think they want to go over some things before the evening performance."

"Well, we don't want to keep you, since you're the star of the show." Jonghyun grins at him. "But can we take a picture before we leave? I know you're going to wear this later in the show, but my phone doesn't have the best camera. I doubt I'm going to see you in an outfit like this again."

"Sounds great! I'll take the picture for you both." Sodam snatches Jonghyun's phone out of his hand. Gesturing for them to step back, she waves her hands, frowning as she tries to direct them. "Can't you get closer than that? This phone can't make a very wide shot."

Stepping closer, Jonghyun slings an arm over his shoulder and grumbles. "Lean down a little, could you? Your boots are too damn big."

Jinki snickers when Jonghyun stumbles on his toes as he tries to stand taller. "Having trouble reaching, hyung?"

"You're lucky I'm not allowed to mess up your hair tonight, Jinki-yah." Jonghyun's fingers snake under his curls to give a quick pinch at the back of his neck. "You're being extra cheeky."

When Jinki yelps, Sodam sighs, brows furrowed in exaggerated annoyance. "Can I take a picture of you two, or are you going to just play around?"

"Yes, yes, picture time, got it." Jonghyun points to the camera. "Smile, Jinki-yah."

Jinki faces the camera as instructed and beams, unable to help smiling brighter when he feels Jonghyun squeeze his shoulder and lean more of his weight on him for balance.

Sodam snaps a few more pictures, then claps her hands. "Alright, that's good." 

She passes the phone back to Jonghyun, who pulls up the pictures and holds it out so they can all see. Sodam rests her head on Jonghyun's shoulder and coos. "This picture came out so cute. You two look happy."

Sidling up on Jonghyun’s other side, Jinki stares at the picture, caught off guard by the brightness of his own smile. Did he always look that happy around Jonghyun?

Jonghyun hums. "It came out well, yeah -- should we use this one?"

"But your eyes are closed, hyung. Was that on purpose?"

"I do that a lot, haven't you noticed? My eyes get red when I fall asleep with my contacts in...it's the best way to cover that up." Jonghyun looks down at his phone again, this time tapping his way through the screen to twitter. "Do you mind if I upload it? You still have a few shows left to go, and your musical deserves some extra promoting. I know you've worked hard."

"Sure, go ahead," Jinki agrees. He's too pleased with Jonghyun's compliment to care that he usually avoids sharing things online. "It'll be nice to have it up there."

"Alright then, I'm uploading it..." Jonghyun taps and squints at his screen before he pulls away from it with a smile. "And it’s all done. Too late to delete it now."

Sodam only manages squeeze off a single question about Jinki’s career before before Jonghyun's phone buzzes violently in his hand, screen flickering every half-second with a new notification.

Jonghyun blinks at it. “Um...”

"You better turn that off completely during the show," Sodam says.

"I guess so," Jonghyun says, eyes wide as he opens up his phone. "That picture really took off fast -- is this why you never make your account public?"

Jinki shrugs. "Kind of. Too much attention can be a little overwhelming."

"Yeah, I guess...I didn't expect so many people to notice I posted something this quickly." Jonghyun taps rapidly at the screen, expression desperate as he tries to turn off the flood of notifications. "And now a lot of your fans are following me for whatever reason...how many can you possibly have?"

Jinki sticks out his lips in a fake pout. "Are you saying you expected me to be unpopular?"

"No." Jonghyun huffs. "I'm just saying I didn't expect people to follow me because of one picture with you."

"You should have expected it, Jjong -- Jinki's a celebrity after all." Sodam shrugs. "They're probably hoping you'll post more pictures with him later."

"Damn. I hope they aren't disappointed if I don't."

"We can take more pictures sometime," Jinki offers. "As long as you don't take any when we're out drinking. I don't want anyone to find where we're at, or see me drunk...I'd definitely get in trouble for that."

"I'm more likely to look drunk than you, so don't worry." Jonghyun laughs. "I'm not sure I want to do it anyway, it feels weird...like I'm using you for your fame."

"I know you're not like that, hyu--"

"You're telling me every costume designer went to get coffee?!" A booming voice from across the theater cuts Jinki off and makes Jonghyun jump. As Sodam snickers at Jonghyun’s reaction, Jinki cringes, able recognize the voice from across the theater.  

Jinki sighs and pushes back his bangs. "That was the director...he's a good guy, but I'm not sure you want to stick around. There'll be more of the yelling as we get closer to starting.”

"Alright. We should go and grab our seats, anyway," Sodam says. She nudges Jonghyun until he nods in agreement. "Good luck with your show, Jinki."

"I'll work hard." Jinki smiles, tucking the flowers under his other arm. "You two have good seats, right?"

"Very good seats," Jonghyun affirms. "I made sure to get the best. So you have to wave to us, okay?"

"I'll try, but I'm not sure I'll be able to see you with the stage lights."

Jonghyun laughs. "Don't worry about it then, just focus on your performance. If you make it a good one, I'll write up a review to please my new followers."

"You'll say good things about me no matter what," Jinki teases.

"You know I will." Jonghyun grins. Reaching in for a hug, he stops himself mid-way, pulling back before he crushes the bouquet of flowers against Jinki's side. Sodam's lips quirk in amusement at Jonghyun's awkward retreat when she turns her attention back to Jinki.

"Thanks for letting us backstage again. I'm going to take my brother away before he finds something else to talk about -- he can talk forever if you let him."

"Yeah...and I ought to get to work." Jinki swings his arms by his side, enjoying the playful glare Jonghyun sends him before he remembers to bow to Sodam. "It was nice to meet you. Thank you for coming to the musical."

"You too." She bows back.

Jinki watches them leave, waving to Jonghyun as he’s dragged away. The moment they step out of earshot, Sodam leans in towards Jonghyun's ear, chattering at him excitedly and glancing back at Jinki one last time.

Jinki catches her gaze with a knot in his stomach.

He should have concerned himself less with earning her approval, and more on keeping the butterflies that always fill his stomach around Jonghyun from affecting his behavior -- he can't shake the feeling that a part of her noticed he’s more fond of her brother than a friend should be.

 ***

 Jinki opens up his twitter the moment he gets back to the dorm, curious about what fans might have to say about his last performance of the musical. Though it was something he planned on doing anyway, Jonghyun's presence in the audience had emboldened him to give a little extra fanservice before the curtains had closed. Their fans didn't know it yet, but the only appearance they would have in Korea for the next year would be for their concert, and Jinki felt like he had to do something special to make up for it.

A picture of himself with his hands in the air and a broad smile on his lips makes him grin at the memory of that moment -- though he’d been worried about balancing the musical and its rehearsals in the middle of promotions, he’s glad he didn’t pass up the role. It had been nice to play a role outside of the polite and sweet side of him he always emphasized to fans.

Backing out from his search, Jinki moves on to his mentions, heart fluttering when he sees that a good number of them include the picture he took with Jonghyun. As silly as it is, a part of him can't help but be happy to see their names are being used side-by-side. Jinki scrolls down further, fully expecting the comments to be about the picture he had let Jonghyun take or the songs Jonghyun had written for their last album, but finds little mention of that -- instead, his screen is flooded with screenshots, taken on different phones at different resolutions but all evidence of the same thing: Jonghyun following one of his biggest fansites.

Jinki stares at his phone in disbelief, half wondering if it was a joke -- why would Jonghyun follow one his fansites? Closing it, he goes to Jonghyun's following list, seeing no mention of it -- he could write it off as an image edit that got spread around, but knowing Jonghyun, he has reason to be suspicious. He moves through a few random discussions amongst the fans, and the same ones that noticed him following the fansite were posting jokes about the unfollow that shortly followed it.

Jinki sets his phone aside and rolls onto his back, needing to stare at the ceiling to try and think. That’s enough evidence for him that it really happened. But it still seemed...odd. Jonghyun always talked about keeping up with the industry, so it could be about that -- but a fansite wouldn't tell him anything about musical trends. And updates on SHINee are easy enough to find on the official accounts he was already following.

The only reason for someone to follow a fansite of his would be to look at pictures or video of him, right? His mind hones in on that thought, building his hopes higher and higher until his heart is beating stupidly fast. Did he just follow the site on accident, after looking up pictures of Jinki? And if he did look up pictures -- how often did he do that? Was it because he wanted pictures of the musical, or was it a regular thing?

It had to mean something.

Reaching back for his phone, Jinki pulls up the image again to look at the timestamp one fan had given, squinting at the screen as he zooms until he can read the small 3:03 am printed in the corner. Jonghyun had followed his site only an hour after ending his radio show.

So Jonghyun gets home around 3am, and the first thing he does look at pictures of me?

Jinki swallows, cheeks growing warm when his mind jumps to other things Jonghyun might do late at night after work. There’s no way Jonghyun would look them up with that purpose in mind -- it's not like fansite pictures were revealing. But the idea is still enticing, enough for him to want to find out why Jonghyun decided to sign himself up for easy access to pictures of him.

It’d be easier to get information out of him in person, but he can’t stand to wait, so he opens up his last conversation with Jonghyun and starts with a teasing text.

majingki: Why did you follow my fansite hyung? ^^

Though his message is read immediately, Jonghyun’s response comes a few minutes later.

realjonghyun85: Eh? Your fansite?

majingki: Yeah ^^

realjonghyun85: I clicked it on accident!!

realjonghyun85: The screen on my new phone is so big, see TT I keep pushing the wrong buttons

majingki: But why were you on there hyung ^^ Are you a fan hehe

realjonghyun85: Well, you know I'm your fan

majingki: Yeah, I know ^^

realjonghyun85: How did you know I followed it, anyway?

majingki: I saw fans posting about it ... they put up screenshots ^^

realjonghyun85: Seriously? Wow... I have to be careful

realjonghyun85: They're like detectives

majingki: Careful?

majingki: You think you might follow one again? ^^

realjonghyun85: My hands are clumsy!

majingki: Do you look often? ^^

realjonghyun85: They take good pictures!

majingki: You should make one your phone background then hyung~

realjonghyun85: You really want me to?

majingki: I'm joking he he

realjonghyun85: Too bad, I'm going to do it now

realjonghyun85: This is what you get for teasing me Jinki-yah

majingki: Free promotion? Sounds like a good thing ^^

realjonghyun85: I guess so ... hehe

majingki: Pick something good ^^

realjonghyun85: No such thing as a bad picture from these sites, don't worry

majingki: Mm...

majingki: So you have looked at them a lot?

realjonghyun85: You know, you're always extra cheeky when it's late

majingki: ^^

realjonghyun85: Shouldn't you sleep?

majingki: I had to tease you first

majingki: But I guess you're right...

majingki: We can’t all stay up till 3am looking up idol pictures... ^^

realjonghyun85: Go to bed, Jinki-yah

realjonghyun85: You need your rest

majingki: Alright, alright ... I won’t tease you anymore

majingki: Thanks again for coming to the musical, hyung ^^

realjonghyun85: Of course!

realjonghyun85: You were great ^^

realjonghyun85: Sodam enjoyed it too, and she's not a musical person at all

majingki: ^^ Thanks

majingki: I'm glad she liked it ... I was nervous

majingki: But I’ll sleep now! Since hyung said I should!

realjonghyun85: Glad you finally listen to me  he he

majingki: You rest too ^^ Don't stay up too late hunting pictures~

realjonghyun85: I won’t!

realjonghyun85: Good night Jinki

***

"Hey, Jinki," Jonghyun greets him at the door and invites him in with a familiar hurried movement of his hands. "Sorry I'm not ready to leave yet. My friend is still here, we got caught up working on a new song together."

"That's fine." Jinki shrugs, toeing off his shoes before heading to wait on the couch. He's gotten used to catching Jonghyun in the middle an inspiration burst, and has learned to expect a small wait when he arrives. "You'll be done soon, you think?"

"Yeah, we're pretty much done." He walks past Jinki to the small music room. "Just let me help her pack her music and things, then we can--"

"Oh, I got it, Jonghyun." A woman steps out from the small studio, sheets of music shoved haphazardly into a set of folders under her arms.

Jinki stares at her, a sudden lump forming in his throat. He had always known that he couldn't be the only person Jonghyun worked with in his small apartment studio, but seeing first-hand that the person he’s working with is a pretty girl stirs a jealousy in him that he hadn't expected to feel. He wanted those moments all to himself.

The woman smiles at him broadly, then looks at Jonghyun as she comes to join them in the living room. "I didn't realize you were having a guest. I would have cut you off a while ago if I had known. I hate it when you're late to things."

"Yeah, well..." Jonghyun rubs the back of his neck. "I lost track of time, so I didn't think to say anything. But it's good we didn't lose the flow we had going, right?"

The woman rolls her eyes, obviously as familiar as Jinki is with Jonghyun's excuses. “You always lose track of time.”

"I know, I know." Jonghyun claps his hands together, eager to move the subject on from his habitual lateness, and gestures to Jinki. "This is the idol friend I was telling you about, Lee Jinki -- I guess you probably know him as SHINee's Onew.”

Before Jonghyun can introduce her in turn, she bows to Jinki. "I'm Sojin, Jonghyun's friend from high school. I usually play keyboard for him and help him write." There's a small spark in her eye as she pauses to fix her hair before continuing. "I'm sorry that we ran late, but I am glad I got to meet you."

"It's nice to meet you too," Jinki says, trying to ignore her smile even as he returns it. She's pretty, in a heart-wrenching way -- the image of her and Jonghyun sharing the piano bench is enough to make his chest burn. He locks his hands together in front of him and bows to her, hoping his politeness will hide the jealousy still clawing at his gut.

"Ah, you're even more handsome in real life..." she muses, eyes bouncing over his face when he straightens. "Jonghyun always keeps such good-looking friends."

Jonghyun's eyes widen. He looks quickly between Jinki and Sojin, clearly as caught off guard by the blatant flirting as Jinki had been.

"Well, of course he's good-looking, Sojin -- he's an idol," Jonghyun huffs. "And a popular one, too. I'm lucky I ever get to see him at all with how busy he is."

Sojin shakes her head and sighs before heading to the door. "You don't need to hint at me like that, Jonghyun. I understand that you two had plans. I'll leave."

"Sorry, I don’t mean to rush you out." Jonghyun apologizes, but follows her to the door and opens it without hesitation. "We just don’t get to see each other much, and he just finished promoting."

"That's a shame." Sojin stops outside the door. "I hope to see you again when you're not so rushed."

Jinki smiles, hoping it comes across as sincere. "Yeah, you too."

"Later, Sojin -- send me those recordings when you get the chance." Jonghyun closes the door after her, then slumps back against it with a heavy sigh. He fixes Jinki with an apologetic look as he straightens. "I'm really sorry about that, Jinki. I could tell you were kind of uncomfortable with her flirting."

"It's fine," Jinki says. "Stuff like that happens."

"Still, though." Jonghyun pouts. "Let me know if you want me to tell her to back off, alright? I doubt you two will meet again, but I don't want you to feel put on the spot like that if you do."

Jinki shrugs. He already feels better now that they're alone, and the tinge of protectiveness in Jonghyun's voice is nearly enough to make him forget his earlier jealousy. "I can handle it, hyung. I have plenty of experience turning people down."

Jonghyun shakes his head, a wry smile on his lips, and reaches out to ruffle Jinki’s hair before he can protest. "C'mon, now you're just bragging."

"I'm not, really!" Jinki squirms away from Jonghyun, fixing his bangs back into place as he backs up into the other room to escape. "It's just true!"

"I'm sure it is..." Jonghyun mumbles, suddenly pulling his hands back. The corners of his mouth etching deeper in annoyance as steps over to the coat rack to retrieve his jacket. "You're really good-looking. Probably get tons of offers."

"It doesn't matter -- I'm not really interested in dating," Jinki says, hoping to placate Jonghyun, though his own mood has already soured.

His mind has already made connections he never wanted to make, and he can only imagine one reason Jonghyun would be upset about Sojin's interest in him. Since before they met, Jonghyun had penned dozens of lyrics about one-sided love, but never given a name to his muse -- and if it were going to be anyone, wouldn't it be the girl he'd worked on music with since he was young?

He pushes the thought away, afraid of sharpening the tension between them. No point in thinking about it, anyway, when he'd never have a chance.

When Jonghyun returns, Jinki forces out a smile, slipping back into his shoes and watching patiently as Jonghyun shrugs on his jacket.

"Let's go grab something to eat." Jonghyun steps past him and swings open the door, uncharacteristically rushed. "I've been cooped up in here all day."

"Sounds good to me," Jinki agrees. He follows Jonghyun to the elevator in long strides to keep up with his pace. When the door closes behind them, the blurry reflection of Jonghyun with his arms crossed is enough to keep him from trying to start a conversation, so he shoves his hands in his pockets and waits, counting the seconds between the ding for each floor to distract himself.

Once outside, Jonghyun waves for them to cross the street, still wordless even as he directs them towards their usual restaurant. It's not as if Jinki needs verbal directions, when they've been to this place a few times before and they're walking together, but they've never made the short walk in total silence -- even if they have nothing to say, Jonghyun usually fills the space in with his absent humming. Tonight, he steps alongside Jinki quietly, looking deep in thought as they navigate their way through the bustle of pedestrians to reach the restaurant on the corner.

Just after they settle into their seats and make their orders, Jonghyun's phone buzzes against the table. He glares at it accusingly.

"Sojin wants your number," he grumbles, fingers beginning staccato taps of irritation across the screen when he opens his phone to begin a response.

“Sorry.” Jinki slumps back in his seat, feeling guilty. "It's not a big deal. Just tell her you won’t give it out or ignore it."

Jonghyun's mouth twists when he receives another message. "You sure you don't want her number or anything?"

"I already said I'm not interested," Jinki insists. He kicks at the leg of his own chair, irritated that Jonghyun seemed to be taking out whatever jealousy he felt on him. "Why are you so upset about it, anyway? Is Sojin some one-sided love of yours or something?"

The silence that follows is enough to make Jinki regret the question the minute it leaves his mouth. He'd rather not know if that’s true, and the intense stare Jonghyun is giving him makes him think it is.

"...Are you asking me that as a serious question, Jinki?"

"Why wouldn't I be?" Jinki snaps. "You've worked with her since high school, right? And you spend so much time alone together...it makes sense that you would like her."

"Well, yeah, but that doesn't mean I'm interested in her at all," Jonghyun protests. He pinches the bridge of his nose, hiding his mouth with his hand as he gives a soft laugh. "Really, I'm not interested -- I've never even thought about it. We just work well together on music, and share a lot of early memories...we’re old friends. It's never been anything more than that."

Jinki's scrunches his nose and eyes Jonghyun, still skeptical. "You're acting like you're jealous, though."

"I'm not jealous." Jonghyun scowls. When their food is set down a moment later, he reaches across the table to swipe a piece of Jinki's food before beginning his explanation.  "I'm just irritated with how she’s acting, you know? I feel like she only hit on you so blatantly because you're an idol -- I've never seen her be so pushy before about a guy -- and I don't like that she'd treat you differently. I don't want you to have to worry about that part of your life around me."

"I told you I’m used to it, hyung." Jinki says. "It’s not a big deal unless there's a crazy crowd, or it’s one of our sasaeng fans. The only reason I'm tense right now is because you seem tense."

"Yeah, and I'm sorry for that." Jonghyun sighs and relaxes back into his chair. He wipes his hand on a napkin, then wring it in his hands, staring past Jinki as he thinks over his words before continuing. "Plus, I just ... am a bit jealous, I guess. I don't have a lot of friends I can meet up like this, one-on-one. And now I keep thinking you'll meet some other girl I work with and want me to invite her along--"

"I wouldn't do that."

"I wouldn't blame you, if you did," Jonghyun says, smiling reluctantly. "And it's selfish of me to not help you meet people, isn't it? It’s probably hard for you to date, as an idol. But I just don't like the idea of sharing the little time I get with you ... I've really grown to like it."

"I like it it just being us too,” Jinki says, not realizing how it sounds until Jonghyun averts his gaze to avoid meeting his eyes as a shy smile pulls at his lips.

A flush crawls up Jinki’s neck. He rushes to add on his statement, not wanting to say anything suspicious. "I mean, I'm used to being stuck around four other guys and fans, and since they're both really noisy--" he cuts himself off, already feeling like he's making things worse. "I meant that the quiet's a nice change. And you’re a great friend."

At his words, Jonghyun's expression warms, and Jinki has only a half-second to try and calm the flutter in his heart before Jonghyun reaches across the table to squeeze his shoulder.

"You’re a good friend to me too, Jinki-yah. I’m glad we’ve gotten so close.”

 ***

Jonghyun’s coffee table is covered in a dozen dishes and drinks for each of them. All of the bowls are open and steaming, ready to eat, and Jinki can’t remember the last time he’s seen so much food.

Jinki stretches his legs out under the table with a satisfied sigh and reaches for the second dish Jonghyun had ordered for them to share. He hasn't eaten properly in ages, it feels like. The latest blowup between Jino and Kibum at the dorm had given him plenty of reason to avoid any common areas, and between that and schedules he'd missed more meals than he'd eaten. The chance to relax with Jonghyun and a movie (the first Lord of the Rings, predictably -- because Jinki always lets Jonghyun pick and they had just finished the books) had brought back his hunger with a force that had his mouth watering from the moment their food came to the door.

His appetite doesn't go unnoticed by Jonghyun -- probably because they're bumping elbows every time Jinki reaches across the table to grab another piece of meat from Jonghyun's side -- and he imitates Jinki’s reach by knocking back into him with deliberate force.

"Are you hungry or something, Jinki-yah?" Jonghyun teases. "You seem to be eating off every corner of the table."

"A bit," Jinki answers, covering his mouth with his hand as he gives a sheepish smile and finishes chewing. "I haven't had a full meal like this since promotions started."

"Idols, really." Jonghyun tuts and shakes his head. He puts a hand on Jinki's shoulder for balance and stands, then settles onto the couch. "I’m full already, so the rest of the food is yours. Eat anything left that you like."

"Thanks, hyung." Jinki grins back at Jonghyun before reaching for what was left of his soup, He looks up at the movie as he sips the broth, trying to figure out what he had missed so far. Though they had read all the books together, Jinki hadn't enjoyed them enough to remember all the details, and he still got lost in all the nonsense about elves and dwarves and magic.

He squints at the white-robed wizard on screen. "Why is Gandalf asking that guy for help? I thought he was a bad guy?"

"He is -- Gandalf will learn that in a bit. He ends up blocking the fellowship's preferred path to Mordor, and is the reason the fellowship has to go through the Mines of Moria, which is where Gandalf falls."

Jinki hums with feigned interest and slumps back against the couch. Though the movie isn't his kind of story, it at least gets Jonghyun talking, and Jinki is fully content to listen to his commentary and glance over his shoulder to watch his reactions for the next few hours.

When the credits begin to roll, Jonghyun sighs and flips on the lamp next to him.

"I'm not going to force you through the next movie tonight," Jonghyun says. "It's getting pretty late for you."

"Oh, yeah..." Jinki trails off, already dreading returning the dorm. "I guess I should be heading back, huh?"

Jonghyun raises a brow at him. "You don't sound like you want to go back.”

“Not really.” Jinki sighs. He unfolds his hands on the table to stare at them, trying to think what to say. He shouldn't be sharing, not when it's an issue among the members -- but he trusts Jonghyun.

Jinki takes a deep breath and explains. "Kibum and Jino are fighting lately. I don't really know what started it -- I was gone for that, and they won't tell me -- but Jino's been making little jabs and Kibum's been an ass at every chance he can be." Jinki bites his lip in guilt: it's his job to keep things running smoothly, and he'd been failing at it. "And when they aren't doing that, they're completely silent, and the whole dorm is tense. I've tried to get them to talk about it a few times, but they won't listen. Jino refuses to admit he did anything to offend Kibum, and Kibum won't talk to him unless he does."

"It's not your fault if they won't talk," Jonghyun says gently. "Can you stay with your parents for bit and wait for Kibum and Jino to smooth things out on their own? They'll have to, eventually, since you’re all stuck together."

Jinki shakes his head. "My parents still live in Gwangmyeong...it's not that far, but I would feel like I'm running away if I went there. I have practice for our repackage to worry about, too."

Jonghyun fiddles with the rim of his glasses, brow wrinkling thoughtfully. "You could stay here for the night, then, if you wanted. The couch isn't that comfortable, but you're welcome to it."

Jinki blinks, caught off guard by the offer -- he hadn't realized Jonghyun considered them close enough for that to be on the table. "Are you sure? I really don't want to impose..."

"It's not imposing, Jinki-yah." Jonghyun laughs and pokes his shoulder with a socked foot. "I offered. And it’ll mean I get extra time with you, too -- that's definitely something I've been lacking lately."

"Yeah." Jinki smiles back at him gratefully. "Let me tell the members I’ll be staying, just in case they wonder why I’m not at the dorm."

He pulls out his phone and fires off a quick message into the members' group chat to tell them he'll be staying at Jonghyun's. His message is been read immediately by all four of them, but only Minho bothers to give him a quick response.

Sighing, he tosses the phone aside. "Looks like I can stay. No one said anything against it."

"Hey, I'm sure they miss you." Jonghyun pats his back reassuringly. "If you’re going to stay, we can watch the next movie.” He tugs on Jinki’s shirt to try and get him to stand. “But you should get up here if we're for it -- staying on the floor like that isn't good for your back."

"Sorry, hyung." Jinki grins and climbs up onto the couch, holding out his empty bottle to Jonghyun. "Do you have anymore to drink? If I'm staying, a little more couldn't hurt."

***

A little more turns out to be a whole bottle of soju Jonghyun had found in the back of his fridge. And just like with the food, Jonghyun cuts himself off early and leaves the rest to Jinki, who’s all too eager to finish off the rest. The fact that he’s staying at Jonghyun's house for the night has nestled as a bundle of nerves in his stomach, and he’s counting on the alcohol to take the edge off. After he finishes the last drop, Jinki tucks himself back against the cushion of the couch. The room is already swirling around him, and he needs something to lean against when the last few swallows hit.

Even with the lights off for the second movie, he see Jonghyun looking at him out of the corner of his eye, clearly concerned about the amount of alcohol Jinki had managed to drink. For some reason, the worry is amusing -- maybe because it's so painfully in character for Jonghyun, or maybe because he's really just that drunk. But the more he thinks about it, the harder it is not to laugh, and soon Jinki is snickering, shoulders rising up to his ears as he tries to keep himself from laughing fully.

Jonghyun turns to him, frowning with worry when Jinki immediately straightens his face to try and hide his amusement. "You're really drunk, Jinki-yah -- you sure you're up for watching the rest of this?"

"I'm fine, hyung," Jinki says, enunciating carefully to fight against the heavy feeling on his tongue. "I'm having fun! I want to finish the movie."

Jonghyun narrows his eyes. "If you're sure..."

"I'm sure." Jinki nods. He tries to bump his shoulder against Jonghyun's when he opens his mouth to argue, but the shift in weight is difficult to calculate, and he ends up nearly falling over Jonghyun's lap.

“Whoa, careful.” Jonghyun catches him quickly and helps him up with a gentle push. He eyes Jinki with caution. “...Maybe movement is a bad idea for you right now.”

"Mm, maybe." Jinki nestles back into the crease between the back cushions of the couch. Jonghyun hadn't bothered to push him all the way upright, so he has good reason to stay put -- especially when that means leaving only a few inches of distance between them.

He looks through his lashes up at Jonghyun. He can’t not look, now that he’s realized how close they are.

A sudden heaviness pulls on his chest. He shouldn't be thinking about doing anything -- shouldn't even entertain the thought -- but the alcohol is a good excuse to let himself indulge. And Jonghyun never seems to mind closeness, so leaning against him wouldn’t be that different than helping him with billiards, except he's touching with no goal in mind but the pleasant fizzle in his stomach he can never admit to having. Jinki bites his lip and shifts closer a few inches at a time, still unsure if he wants his approach to be noticed or not.

Jonghyun makes no attempt to move away -- if anything, he seems to be leaning back towards him -- and Jinki gets bolder. He nuzzles his cheek against Jonghyun's shoulder, then moves lower, adjusting his weight until he's resting his head fully on Jonghyun's arm and his right hand is up against his leg.

At that, Jonghyun stiffens, and Jinki stops, suddenly afraid he had gone too far. "This okay, hyung?"

"It's fine," Jonghyun says, keeping his eyes locked on the screen. The shadows along his neck from the dim light of the television shift as he swallows, bending into new shapes when he adjusts his arm to rest behind Jinki's shoulders. "You still comfortable?"

"Yeah," Jinki breathes. The movie blurs as he adjusts to the new angle, a half-mixture of faces and movement that seems much less important than the soft and steady sound of Jonghyun breathing deeply above him. Jinki's heart pounds in his throat as what he’s done sinks in.

Jonghyun's arm is around him, and his cheek is pressed right against Jonghyun’s chest, and Jonghyun’s chest is warm and firm and everything he’d imagined it to be, the few times he’d dared to think about it.

He's had this kind of contact with his members before, but it had never felt this thrilling.

He tries to force his attention back to the movie with little luck. At every tense scene, Jonghyun's fingers tighten slightly around his arm, sending a buzz flitting across his skin that reminds him how close they are.

All he would have to do to kiss Jonghyun is lift himself a few inches and turn his head.

As the image in his mind gets more detailed, Jinki flushes, trying to ignore the voice in his head that tells him alcohol would be a perfect excuse for anything he might do. Shaking his head, he throws his attention back to the movie, needing something to comment on to end the silence that has his mind racing.

"The movies are way better than the books," Jinki says, flapping his hand at the screen. The camera pans out to fields and forests, and Jinki continues, mumbling under his breath. "I don't have to read all those boring descriptions of trees and nature or whatever...I can just look at them."

Jonghyun laughs softly. "You didn't like the books, huh?"

"They were a little boring, yeah..." Jinki trails off. He closes his eyes, enjoying the small shift of Jonghyun's chest against his cheek when he gives a mocking huff of offense. "But I wanted to read them since you liked them so much."

"Well, I'm honored you'd endure that for me," Jonghyun says. Despite his teasing tone, his voice sounds heavy, and his hand runs a small circle on Jinki’s shoulder. "Just tell me next time if you don't like what I pick, and we'll find something else."

"Okay." Jinki yawns and stretches out fully on the couch. "Will you be mad if I fall asleep, hyung? The movie's really dragging on..."

"I won't be mad. You don't like them either, do you?"

"Mm." Jinki closes his eyes to dodge the question. When the movie picks up into an action scene that takes Jonghyun's attention away from him, Jinki uses the chance to settle fully onto his chest.

Jonghyun's fingers whisper through his hair and push back his bangs. "...Jinki-yah? Are you falling asleep?"

Jinki gives a tired grunt. He's not sure if he will, but he's already slipped peacefully into the warm and content stage of drunkenness where he doesn't want to move. Maybe if Jonghyun thinks he's asleep they can stay like this all night.

 ***

 Jinki wakes up in a sweat. He doesn't remember going to sleep with a blanket on him, or the pillow under his head. Kicking off the blanket, Jinki stands, immediately reaching for the button of his pants. As always, he’d worn his best-fitting jeans when he saw Jonghyun, and though they aren’t uncomfortably tight, they're still too warm to sleep in, especially when he's still a little buzzed. Undoing the zipper, Jinki shoves them down around his knees and pries them off of his calves, nearly tripping over his feet as he tries to step out of them.

He swears under his breath until he kicks them off in triumph and collapses back on the couch. When he looks up, Jonghyun is standing outside of his room, looking frozen between heading back inside and moving on to the kitchen.

"Oh, hyung. Sorry, uh--" Jinki says, grateful that the dark hides the blush creeping up his neck. "I guess I fell asleep in my jeans and got too hot. I don’t really have pajamas or anything."

"Ah, yeah. I didn't think about that," Jonghyun says. His focus bounces between Jinki's face and the floor. Jinki doesn't need light to be able to tell that his cheeks are burning. "Do you want anything to wear?"

"I'll be fine, thanks." Jinki quickly lies down to cover himself back up with the blanket. The idea of getting to wear something Jonghyun owned sounds too enticing for him to feel right accepting, even if he would feel more comfortable with some kind of pajamas.

Jonghyun nods and shuffles off to the kitchen, still clearly embarrassed. The sound of him opening and closing cabinets is like gunshots in the tense silence, and Jinki stares unblinkingly at the ceiling, hyper aware of every movement Jonghyun makes. When he hears the pad of Jonghyun’s feet approaching him, he closes his eyes to seem asleep, reopening them only after he hears the clink of glass against the coffee table.

Jonghyun meets his eyes with a soft smile in the dark, and Jinki swallows, feeling a dozen hopes spark to life as the distance between them seems to shrink.

“Hyung?”

"I'm not sure you drank enough water to balance out all that alcohol," Jonghyun whispers. "I don't want you to end up with a hangover."

"Oh." Jinki smiles at his own stupidity, reaching out to take a drink from the glass. He must still be drunk, to be thinking there was a possibility of anything happening between them. "Thank you, hyung."

"Sure." Jonghyun ruffles his hair lightly. "Get some rest, Jinki."

"You too."  Jinki lays back down.

When he hears the door to Jonghyun's bedroom close again, he presses the heels of his hands against his eyelids, willing himself to forget the moment. The discomfort is distracting enough to pull him away from the rapid beat of his heart, but it's not enough to erase the image of Jonghyun in only a loose shirt and boxers from his mind. He hasn't seen Jonghyun without his glasses in ages, either, and that felt new too. It's not that Jonghyun looks better without them, but that it feels intimate now -- another part of Jonghyun dressing down at the end of the day, rather than dressing up to make a good first impression.

With a groan, Jinki rolls onto his side and forces himself to breathe slowly. He needs to calm himself down if he wants to get any sleep. The last thing he needs to think about is Jonghyun dressing down around him.

It’s Tony Night!

It’s a big night. If you are a lover and patron of the Broadway theater, it is the biggest night. It’s the Tony’s. The awards show that matters to about 16 people outside of the New York metropolitan area and all of those 16 people are in the theater department at their high schools. But another opening, another show, another Tony’s awards.

I don’t know about you but I do enjoy Josh Groban. He should be a fun host. I hope that he doesn’t try to do political comedy though. That’s not his brand. Sara Bareilles is an interesting choice. She’s certainly a great live performer but moving a show like a long is a big job. We shall see.

Sooooo the opening was cute. “This is for the people who lose.” 90% will go home with nothing. That’s clever and I’m pretty sure that Sara Bareilles wrote that. I’m definitely curious to see what happens next.

Kerry Washington looks amazing.

Lead Actor in a Play goes to Andrew Garfield for Angels in America. Y’all, yes, he was Spiderman but for let me tell you he absolutely kills in this show. It’s a 7.5 hour two-day affair.

Tina Fey, god love her. “All four Best Musical nominees are based on movies but only one of them paid for my boat.” Of course she’s introducing the performance from Mean Girls. Which is a fun show and they did the right number because it features everyone. It’s jazzy and peppy.

Carey Mulligan needs to eat a chicken wing.

Laurie Metcalfe winning for Best Featured Actress in a play is nice because I really think she should have won the Oscar for Lady Bird.

Amy Schumer. She’s a godsend. Even her introduction of the performance from My Fair Lady was hilarious and poignant and biting. Goddammit. This show was incredible. Lauren Ambrose was a revelation. I never knew. I never ever knew that she could sing like that. It’s smart to do a medley. Most people will know all the songs.

We did not see Springsteen on Broadway but I am certain it is an incredible experience. A Bruce Springsteen show in a small Broadway theater? Yes. And yes again. Get that Special Tony.

Titus Burgess. You are a funny, funny man. We did not see Carousel. But good on this girl named Lindsay Mendez for winning a Tony. Get yours and your Featured Actress in a Musical award. Good speech.

We didn’t see The Sponge Bob Musical either but it looks fun. The few blips we’ve seen on TV look totally entertaining. Plus there appears to be tap dance. And, bitches, it’s not a musical unless there’s tap.

WOW. I’m really surprised Tina Fey didn’t in Best Book of Musical but very glad that The Band’s Visit did win. Such a lovely, quiet, moving and heartfelt show.

I don’t know if there are many “duh’s” tonight but Nathan Lane winning Featured Actor in a Play for Angels in America feels like a “No shit, Sherlock” moment. He gave a very sweet speech. Oh, and Tatiana Maslany’s dress was terrible.

Juan has to make choices. We were not able to fit Carousel into our schedules. The performance was good. The choreography was quite lovely.

OK. Ari’el Stachel. Get yours for Featured Actor in a Musical for The Band’s Visit. A damn fine speech.

Ming Na Wen, where you been, girl? It’s a lot of double-sided tape going on tonight.

Well, there you have it. That’s how you go ahead and make people cry. Thank you to the drama students at Marjory Stoneman. I will keep it as apolitical as possible. But these kids are the future. Watch out. They’ll be 18 in 2020.

I give Claire Danes credit taking clothing risks. Tonight is a fail. I just don’t understand the fabric or the dress.

There aren’t many left from the golden age of cinema but Glenda Jackson comes close. Apparently she’s never won a Tony and Juan’s understanding is that she’s amazing. Three Woman is hard though. But I guess we did Angels in America so we could do this too.

The puppet of Sven from Frozen is incredible. The person inside is basically bent in half for the whole show. I don’t care. Frozen is remarkable and this chick singing is killing it.

I hate to complain but the bizarre mash up of Chita Rivera’s and Andrew Lloyd Weber’s Lifetime Achievement Awards is not working. Why are Josh Groban and Sara Bareilles only singing like 4 bars from the songs?  

It feels like The Band’s Visit is going to clean up. Good for David Cromer for winning Director of a Musical. It really touched us.

We’re not seeing Harry Potter & the Cursed Child until December but I’m pleased to see it winning a ton of awards. It apparently costs $62 million dollars to mount. That is not a joke. I will fall apart when we see it. #keepthesecrets. Look it up.

The excerpt from Summer: The Donna Summer Musical is leaving a bit to be desired. We missed this show. But I have Donna Summer’s greatest hits on CD so I feel like I pretty much know what happens.

I remembered another “duh” moment. Of course, Harry Potter & the Cursed Childe winning best play. I’m very excited to see this in December.

The scene from Once on this Island was just as amazing on TV as it was live. I am here to tell you that show was very, very special.

John Leguizamo is really tearing it up. His intro into Best Revival of a Play is pretty inspiring. Angels in America wins. Duh.

Katrina Lenk is a talent. That song from The Band’s Visit reminded me of how much that show moved us.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I’m so excited for Once on this Island. My Fair Lady was incredible but this show was just really, really, really special. It was soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo good.

WHAT DID ROBERT DE NIRO SAY???? They bleeped him twice. Everyone in the audience is going NUTS. I am simply certain it was amazing.

BRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCE. Um, that was something else. I don’t know if that’s the whole show but if that was incredible.

The first Tony for Tony Shaloub. He was so, so, very good in The Band’s Visit. He doesn’t sing. But that’s OK. It’s still a musical and he was in it.

And then Katrina Lenk wins. It was such a special performance. Good for her. The Band’s Visit is IT tonight in terms of musicals. She looks amazing. Not everyone can pull off white with emeralds.

I feel like there’s a lot of build up for Bernadette Peters to present Best Musical each year. Doesn’t she do it every year? Given how the show has gone it would be a shock if anything other than The Band’s Visit were to win and there is no shock. Unless there’s been a Warren Beatty-Faye Dunaway level snafu. I’ll stay up until the show is over just to be sure…..

Pilot (Part I)

Dear Poldark,

Hi. I’m here. Why? Well, I love historical fiction. I love the 18th century. I needed something to fill my Droughtlander. Supposedly, you’re going to fill this void in all of your tri-cornered hat glory. I am promised love, scandal, 18th century England, and objectification of the male physique. I mean, okay. I’ll try anything at least once. 

Enter a you, tall, dark and handsome (or should I say, pol, dark and handsome? heh... sorry,) scoundrel wearing a red coat. Despite the fact I am American and literally every piece of American propaganda since I was born has told me to find red coats and tri-corner hats distasteful, I somehow don’t hate you in the first few scenes in which I see you. You seem apathetic to the war around you, gambling a few coins away and laughing like you’re in some 18th century frat and not, oh, the American Revolution. You actually seem a bit spoiled, tbh. Joking about breaking the law and going to war to escape the gallows. LOL, good times. 

I am very close to being not that into you when I see a flash of honor on your part, questioning your Commander and whether they were defending liberty or tyranny in the backwoods of New England. Ah, so Ross Poldark is a philosopher, eh? 

We never did get to hear the Commander’s answer, because, well, war.

Suddenly, we think you might be dead except we know you’re not because why would they name a show after a dead guy? Okay, I guess they did that with Cukoo, but I’m watching the “real" BBC-in-collab-with-PBS, not BBC 3-in-collab-with-Netflix. I expect the best here. 

Cue mysterious flashback of a pretty, giggly woman on some bucolic coast somewhere, and then there’s that sweet, rustic violin music and some vast, pretty skies and a rugged English shoreline, nearly as rugged as your 5 o’clock shadow and okay, I’m in. Because I am always in when a show has good intro music.

Come to find out, two years later, you, Mr. Pol, Dark and Handsome are returning home to a dead father and gossiping neighbors and … at least you might still have that girl we saw in the flashback, right? Because, I mean...

Wait, sorry, forgot what I was saying. I became too distracted by your cape. I do love a man in a cape.

How pleasant that you arrive home and promptly crash a family dinner party! What a joyous homecoming. Perhaps you can all play a rousing game of Monopoly afterwards while wearing matching sweaters. Side note, I love the woman in the frilly cap. She has only said one or two lines but I will already tell you that she is what I aspire to be when I grow up. Also, doesn’t she look familiar? Anyways, fun fact, I once bought a colonial-style hat that looked exactly like the one she’s wearing in a gift shop situated in a former, 18th century French fort in Northern Michigan. It matched my Felicity doll. 

#nerd. 

I was not the popular girl in school. 

Anyways, this dinner that you crashed seems to have brought you back into the arms (almost!) your dear flashback!girlfriend, Elizabeth, who is all a-fluster at your reappearance into your life. (Which, side note, it would be adorable that she is all flushing and girlish to once again be blessed by your presence, but this is 2017 and I think women, even if it’s anachronistic, are... not supposed to be all girly like that? I mean, is it not a little... silly? Are we for once actually not going to be anachronistic in a television series and actually show how shitty and un-politically correct the world once was? I’m conflicted about how this is all playing out.) At any rate, something is clearly amiss here because it all seems too good to be true and we’re only 10 minutes into the show.

Oh, goody, and your cousin is there, too, welcoming you home heartily. What a lovely time!

Wait... what’s that? And he’s getting married! Yay, wedding. Maybe you’ll get to dance with flashback!girlfriend at the wedding, Pol.

Um, stop. Who is he getting married to? 

No.

Aw.

Awww.

Poldark. Sweetie. I mean, ugh. Tough break. You go off for several years overseas to fight some spoiled, uncivilized American brats and you return home just in time for flashback!girlfriend to marry your cousin.

Awkward.

I really love your cape, by the way.

I guess you aren’t staying in your cousin/soon to be flashback!girlfriend aka. Elizabeth’s mansion tonight, eh? Time to go home. 

Your dad wasn’t much of a housekeeper, was he?

Drunk servants. Rats. How pleasant. Wait, why do I obsess over this century so much? It could use a vat of antibacterial wipes and I would need an arsenal of antibiotics to go back there.

Anyways, Poldark, I know you’ve had a rough day, but do you really need to snap at the servants and be such a bastard? Prickly. 

So, let’s recap, my dear. Your house is a rotting piece of trash. Your flashback!girlfriend is gone, to your cousin/friend no less, daddy is six feet under, and… well, at least the scenery is pretty. I mean, you do have a million dollar view there.

So back to the local mansion: is it Trenwith or Chenwith? My uncultured American ears cannot tell the difference. (Side note: it’s Trenwith.)

I like that you have a group of guys in town to be all bromancey with. At least something is going right in your life.

I can see now that, despite your moody sensibilities, in the next few scenes we have definitely established that, while you may be fairly poor right now, you have your heart in the right place. Are you going to be some sort of Robin Hood type figure? Or perhaps an 18th century, more rugged version of Harry Potter, whose reckless bravery leads him to fight for noble causes? You do have the facial scar. 

Speaking of Harry Potter, now that we have fully established you as being in Gryffindor, let’s cut to a scene where clearly the VILLAIN of the series is being introduced.

“Ross Poldark is alive” we hear a man with curly hair and frilly clothes say. He is counting his money. He has a wingman with an evil voice. I’m 99% sure the curly-haired blonde with frilly clothes is Draco Malfoy’s great-great-great-great-great grandfather. The guy with the evil voice is Crabbe and Goyle’s ancestor. 

Speaking of villains, Elizabeth’s mother is a Disney villain, no? I’m getting some wicked stepmother vibes here. “Marry the dude you don’t like as much,” she advises her daughter. Yes, because that always goes well, lady.

Meanwhile, this episode clearly can’t show too much of you being nice, because we are frequently reminded of how your servants are useless but as much as they’re useless, you’re even more of a bastard to them. Also, did you just call them fat? Wow, Pol, my friend. A+ servant owner of the year award. What’s next, “Let them eat cake”?

This episode is getting a little tedious, but all of the sudden we are introduced to your cousin Verity. I love Verity already. She’s sweet. A breath of fresh air. She’s also been a character in literally every British television or movie I’ve ever seen, and I like her. She has a good attitude despite the mopey family she was clearly born into.

I’m getting the sense that you and flashback!girlfriend are made for each other, because your favorite hobby is brooding. Still, better broody than insecure, which your cousin Francis is. He must be insecure about not being as broody. Instead, he goes for pouty. It’s not quite as sexy.

Luckily, flashback!girlfriend’s mother seems to be influential, because Francis is hanging on to her.

#thatawkwardmoment when you are invited to your flashback!Girlfriend’s wedding with your former BFF.

Okay, so here’s the thing, Poldark. Right around here you make a fatal flaw. No pun intended. Were you literally about to let your cousin die in front of you? Um, I don’t know what to say to you other than, asshole. 

“Is Poldark a bastard? Moment #2: Almost lets cousin/BFF drown. 

10 points from Gryffindor.

Let’s check in on Malfoy, who is now currently vying for a spot as your best frenemy. Good luck shaking that guy off.

I take it back about you and Elizabeth being made for each other. Your broodiness would eventually destroy each other, as you try to out brood yourselves and ultimately would brood each other to death.

Oh, and by the way, at this point in the episode, I have decided you are indeed a bastard.

Pol, dark and broody.

Quick question, Are there going to be pirates in this series?

And then there’s a good ol’ fashioned family Tarot reading, which is appropriately Mysterious for the halfway point of this episode. Thank goodness for the crazy old aunt in her Colonial cap reading the Tarot to her mopey family. This kind is how I like my 18th century dramas.

To be continued...

Sincerely,

A.

{{still photo credits}}

11th July 2017

A chip off the old de-construction blocks

So it’s been a week and a bit since the last post. I’ve started updating more frequently on here which I know isn’t such a good sign. I usually only remember this blog when I have things I need to work out. But many many things have happened since the last update. And if I’m honest, I’m a little apprehensive about making these posts now. Recently someone I’d previously trusted with my thoughts here decided to take a post I’d made a while ago and get angry at me because of it. I’ve since asked them to stop looking on here since we are apparently not as close as I’d believed, and I took a precaution which I’m unsure will have worked, but only time will tell if they bring this up and decide to keep at it for whatever reason.

So this past week has been quite... eventful, in a less than positive way, though it’s had some moments. The event above happened. To put it shortly, someone I’d been with previously became convinced after reading a post on here that I never had any feelings for them, and that I’d suddenly developed feelings for the one other friend who happened to be a girl which I’d introduced them to. Drama ensued. If you know me, at all, or if you’ve read my previous posts, you know I’m not typically an angry person, I actually have a rather apparent stance on anger and hatred. You’ll also know I have very specific experiences with anger.

This situation, sort of adds to the list, and for the first time in a long while, I’m starting to feel... kind of frustrated myself. It’s not because of a one off event, not because of anything in particular, but it’s just... people. The way so many people deal with situations with outbursts of anger. The way that people twist their perceptions of things just so they’ll be right in one way or another. I’m not saying I’ve never been outwardly angry, I have, but it’s either been as a child, or because I’m angry at other people deciding anger is the way to move forward! And even then in the latter situations, I don’t show that I’m angry!

Because that’s just it! The only time anger is good, is when it’s utilised in specific ways! For passion, as a drive forward, to be better than what you were, or better than someone else in a healthy constructive way! When you’re shouting in someone’s face, when you’re actively trying to make someone feel upset by yelling nonsensical arguments in their face, you’ve just put a full stop in the conversation! They can’t say anything constructive any more, because either you’re not making sense, or they’re scared or stuck in their own red mist, nobody wins! Everyone has a bad time!

But why bother with that step! Why do that when you can sit down and have a conversation! Talk it out and figure out your problems! If you don’t find a consensus, then do what Simon Pegg and Nick Frost said in that one alien movie! “Agree to Disagree!” And then move on with both of your lives! Now, I’m not the most complicated human being, in fact, I’ve been proving to myself quite recently, that I’m still quite childish and ignorant! So if I can sit down and try to talk through problems with someone, why can’t a majority of the human race?! Wars were started on people being angry and scared, and lashing out! Yet it’s so difficult for people to just think for a second!

As I said, I get angry, everyone does, obviously, but why am I seemingly part of a minority that actually thinks about how my next action will affect the situation?! I can’t seem to escape angry people. And I’m a people pleaser!! I’m literally doing everything in my power to make people happy! Or if they’re not someone I can make happy, I’ll probably not be hanging around them! And yet, this most recent person is another on the list of people that seem to have inadvertently started hating me for some reason I can’t seem to grasp.

It’s said that you can’t please everybody, that there’s just some people in life that just end up hating you for no reason. And those people in my life always seem to be the people I get the closest to. Maybe I’m doing something. For one person they got angry at me for my lack of action, followed by my reaction out of fear. For another, it was about me becoming too involved, and I distanced myself from them after finding out their nature anyway. For another it was because I was quickly falling into a spout of depression and they were angry that I was making them worried by distancing myself. I know there’s something I’m doing, some flaw I’m overlooking, I’m not perfect, but it’s human to overlook the flaws we have! So many of us have no idea what we’re doing wrong in situations, and there are so many I just wish I could see both sides for! But all I see is me being reasonable and the opposing party making little to no sense or misinterpreting what I’m doing compared to what I intended to do!

Having said that, there are many situations where I understand completely what I did wrong. Recently I’ve been doing work for a YouTube series. Mainly as editor, a little bit of voicing. And, as a job I’ve been earning... very little money, but money all the same for, it’s been kind of tough. I was editing scenes of episodes, which I liked to take time to perfect, but there were some of these scenes I was being told to edit and finish in two hours! Maybe it was the timezone difference, but I was very clearly overworking myself. I had virtually no evenings free and I became almost nocturnal, due to having to edit through the night on multiple occasions, having to sleep through the day. As a result, many of the scenes I finished were late, meaning the episode had to be held back for several hours.

The most recent scene I tried to edit, resulted in much more procrastination than I would have wanted, mainly just because I was exhausted from editing so much in so little time. I tried editing for a while and eventually gave up, admitting I was in no state to edit that day. As a result, I was effectively fired. On the bright side, I’m getting my sleep back on track and I’m less exhausted, on the other hand... well... I’m feeling more useless than ever.

I’m just now realizing there’s a lot on my mind right now and I may need to split this into two separate posts. I’ve been having a bit of a crisis lately in that I don’t feel like I can do... well... anything at all. I used to think I had talents, but those are being proven wrong. I thought I was good at video editing, and I was fired from my first official experience because I couldn’t keep up. I thought I was getting proficient in scuba diving, and still, the entire time I was on a trip, everyone repeatedly told me how slow I was, how forgetful I was, how much of an idiot I was. I got an award for being the most idiotic on the trip! I’m not even kidding!! I have a certificate for that! And I know it was intended as a joke but... that was a unanimous vote from everyone! At this point, I know I’m an idiot, because I have actual sources! People! And not just a few either! I can’t seem to do anything better than anyone else who does the same thing! It’s like, I’m better at something than someone else, but only if that other person isn’t interested in that thing! I’m a better editor than someone who’s never edited before, but compared to other editors I’m inept! Same with Scuba, I can’t even shop properly for myself! I don’t know how to manage money, I don’t know how to eat properly, I don’t know how to live without help!

...there’s much more on my mind but... I think I’ll stop there for tonight. I’ll come back to this soon but for now...

I don’t know what to do with myself if it isn’t trying to figure out what the hell I’m doing every day.