Y’all this cruise ship has zero stars on Yelp. Our stateroom is cramped and the midnight buffet is garbage. Literally. 😜 But #wearesummer and ain’t nothing going to get us down over here in the Conch Republic. (at Sunset Pier ~ Key West) https://www.instagram.com/p/CoxhiIQOTwt/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

In our panic shopping on Sunday, we paused in the meat department to determine if we needed 15 or 20 pounds of chicken. Thankfully, we succumbed to the freak out and went with 20 pounds. Because as you can see, we’re trapped and unable to function in this horrendous weather. #idiots (at Landmark At Lockerbie) https://www.instagram.com/p/Cn3ISUaLoRv/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

It’s always so fascinating what American thing catches in foreign countries. It’s different everywhere we’ve traveled. Inexplicably, in Norway the “thing” is TGI Friday’s. There are multiple in Oslo and exist in every city we visited. You’re welcome for them Mudslides and Jack Daniels chicken. #extrafjordinary #norwegents #wearesummer (at Oslo, Norway) https://www.instagram.com/p/CiCdp-IMTlP/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

Mr. Gustav Vigeland was a prolific sculptor. He was also a little cuckoo. #extrafjordinary #norwegents #wearesummer (at Vigelandsanlegget) https://www.instagram.com/p/CiAWkEro35U/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

Nothing but blue skies. Back at in Oslo. #extrafjordinary #norwegents #wearesummer (at Oslo, Norway) https://www.instagram.com/p/Ch-Gol2oZtD/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

Once again: we fjord-ed so hard. Trondheim is a charmer. We have been taken by their Viking hospitality. #extrafjordinary #norwegents #wearesummer (at Trondheim, Norway) https://www.instagram.com/p/Ch8D4_JrgR-/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

We fjord-ed so hard. #extrafjordinary #norwegents #wearesummer (at Eidfjord) https://www.instagram.com/p/ChztBgYoR2D/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

OK, Bergen. You do not suck. This little hamlet is a delightful. We hope to run into Anna, Elsa and Rose Nylund. Also, it apparently rains 280 days a year and somehow we are skirting rain as we shift from city to city because #wearesummer 🎉🎉🎉🥂🥂🥳🥳🥳#extrafjordinary #norwegents (at Bergen Sentrum) https://www.instagram.com/p/ChwrpoZIp-l/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

Water and castles and boats and teams and what not. #extrafjordinary #norwegents (at Oslo, Norway) https://www.instagram.com/p/ChsC3GyDGi0/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

We begin our Norwegian excursion with stooopid good weather. The National Opera House is incredible and if you’re feeling frisky, you can enjoy a sauna followed by a dip in the water. These Scandis are crazy. #extrafjordinary #norwegents (at Oslo Opera House) https://www.instagram.com/p/ChpUe4cI0P8/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

So many fried things on sticks and cows named Marty and ice cream treats at the Indiana State Fair. Plus running into @leerichardsonaltenburg was a delight!#indianastatefair #foodonastick #friedallday (at Indiana State Fair) https://www.instagram.com/p/CgsrjExrz2P/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

NOW it’s summer. #mydadssweetcorn #letsgetcorny🌽 #midwestsummer (at Broad Ripple Farmers Market) https://www.instagram.com/p/CgE1FnmrNWH/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

The People That We Met In Our Bora Bora Neighborhood

It has been a long-ass time since I’ve written a blog post. I promised Juan that I would write two about our trip to Bora Bora. One about the cast of characters that we encountered and the other about the trip itself. I’m going to start with the people who we saw on a regular basis. Many of whom we did not really engage with but, rather, we have written narratives about them. It’s something we do especially on beach trips. When we stay at a resort for 10+ days we get into a routine and do things very similarly in terms of when we go to the gym, eat breakfast, get to our beach chairs, eat lunch, nap, dinner, drinks, etc. Within that routine, you start to see the same people. So we start to name them, write their backstories and amuse ourselves in the process.

And now the cast of our living theater experience at the St. Regis Bora Bora Resort

·       Plastic Rattan: Maybe it’s a St. Regis thing. Maybe it’s the fact that the closest major US city to French Polynesia is LA. Maybe it’s something altogether different. But, y’all, there were some big, big, big fake titties at the St. Regis Bora Bora. Plastic Rattan was above and beyond. The green string bikini was working overtime. Hanging on by a thread, if you will. These boobs had to be back breaking. If you bought ‘em, flaunt ‘em.

·       Gaysians: This was an interesting pairing. They spent a lot of time on their phones. Gaysian the Younger took over the gym as if it were his private studio. Gaysian the Older appeared to make the plans and drive the agenda. They didn’t really interact with one another all that much, which was a bizarre theme for many couples we encountered.

·       Roid Rage: Ooof. The baldness, the sunburn, the backne. All the telltale signs of steroid use. He just seemed very angry at all times. Also, people still use steroids? Have we learned nothing from Lou Ferrigno or Mark McGwire or Jose Canseco or any number of other fallen athletes?

·       Kylie & Family: When you picture someone name Kylie, do you picture someone who looks like Orange County threw up on her? Well, you’d be right. This family was very, very, very SoCal and just oozed Real Housewives vibes. Kylie was turning 22 AND graduating from college. Her brother was the biggest bro there ever was. Her middle sister simply did not care and spent the entire time on her phone. Their poor dad just wanted to have a good time and did actually ask the general manager if he could do something special at dinner for his daughter. Of course, the GM obliged and it was lovely for Kylie. It was all immediately posted on the TIkToks. The mom was channeling her best Vanderpump schtick. I think she was auditioning for RHOC. Lisa Rinna better watch out. This family was trying real hard.

·       Deal Closer: Can you picture every old white man who has been in commercial real estate for 40 years? Well, than you know Deal Closer. In the middle of paradise, this man wandered around on his phone closing deals day in and day out. Real estate does not quit. Not even on iffy WiFi and what I assume is a less-than-stellar phone connection. This man had it going on in all the wrong ways. Loud, obnoxious, a one upmanship story for every person he talked to, missed the bus to the ferry on the main island because he was haggling for pearls, then complained that the bus left. Constantly talking square footage. Rushed a dinner server because he had an early morning for deep sea fishing. I suppose we were at the St. Regis so I clearly don’t know why I’m surprised because entitled white people and the St. Regis are like peas and carrots. I just hope for more when you are on a remote island in the most beautiful setting ever. Close them deals, motherfucker.

·       Patty & Selma: Two sisters. Identical haircut, style and color. Same height, same sarong-style. They didn’t chain smoke like the animated characters on The Simpson’s but that was really the only difference between these two gals and Marge’s sisters. The pinnacle was at breakfast when they asked for a to go bag to take their pastries. Totally reasonable. The pastry game was STRONG at this resort. But they also took the butter. Which was not in containers. But just on a small dish. They just put it on a napkin and stuck it in the bag with their croissants. These sisters needed they butter.

·       Lil Nugget: There was a breakfast and lunch server who was so small. Just the tiniest, wee-est girl ever. Her actual name was Audrey but we called her Lil Nugget because she was nugget. Lovely and sweet but just a nugget.

·       Crikey & Crikette: Aussies are loud, y’all. You could hear Crikey & Crikette coming from the opposite end of the resort. They were fun-loving and into everything. Super appreciative and kind to the staff. But loud. So loud. That piercing Australian accent at breakfast. Then at the beach. Then at the bar. Then at dinner. I do love Aussies but the accent is not mellifluous. Surprisingly, they did not know Bindi Irwin or Crocodile Dundee. We asked and we were stunned that they weren’t friends with either of them.

·       Sue Ellen Peed & Harmony: I don’t know how to describe these two. Any written picture I create will not do it justice. I don’t need to exaggerate in any way because the truth is something you cannot make up. Sue Ellen Peed and Harmony showed up on about the 3rd day we were there. Sue Ellen Peed, we come to find out, is a regular. The GM greeted her at breakfast. Sue Ellen Peed had been there in October of 2021 was back in May 2022 and would be back again in September 2022. Sue Ellen Peed was not French Polynesian but was covered in traditional tattoos like the Rock or Jason Momoa. She had long dangly earrings that made her earlobes sag. She was a big gal and rocked that string bikini like there was no tomorrow. Harmony was her friend that was into crystals and spun around like a lunatic on peyote. They were from LA but didn’t seem to know each other very well. They were not lovers, in my opinion. My take is Sue Ellen Peed is somehow loaded and brings a friend to Bora Bora multiple times a year. Harmony was the lucky recipient in May 2022. They seemed to have a nice time but the whole dynamic was just very strange. I’m not doing the nuttiness justice.

·       Shelly Smeller: We have a friend named Kelly Teller. We found her legit doppelganger in Bora Bora. We named the doppelganger Shelly Smeller. That’s the end of the story.

·       Back Tat Newlyweds: There was a considerable amount of bad ink at the St. Regis but Back Tat Newlyweds were the icing on the cake. Cursive writing on him. Some sort of bird that basically spanned her entire back. There was in public conversation of restraining orders against old girlfriends. They took wedding pictures and we decided their only direction to the photographer was to ensure that the pictures adequately showed the tattoos in their butt cracks.

·       Marketing Coquette: There was a young French woman who had just started working at the resort in the marketing department. We decided to call her Marketing Coquette.

·       Army Rage & Breakfast Harpie: There was a really strange dynamic at this hotel. The amount of couples who appeared to be on a trip to the middle of nowhere to save their marriage. It was pronounced. Couples who very clearly hated each other and did not want to be there together. Unable to speak to one another. Looked miserable. Quietly arguing. Is this normal? Do people spend a zillion dollars to save their relationship? Is it because of children? I don’t get it. That level of misery doesn’t seem worth it. Army Rage & Breakfast Harpie absolutely loathed one another. They had a spat in the gym. They had a very tense breakfast where he walked away, went swimming, came back to eat and they never exchanged a word. She took a work call from breakfast and had the gall to complain about the Wifi. He constantly wore a t-shirt that read “Army” and she complained at every breakfast. Sadly, we were seated near them on more than one occasion. The third time I said I’d prefer a different table because it was so uncomfortable. I couldn’t take it. I just don’t get it. Am I naïve? In my head, I just assume that couples want to be together ESPECIALLY on vacation. I just don’t have that kind of anger inside me.

These were our most favorite friends while in Bora Bora. We loved our experience and this creative outlet. My next post will get into the specifics of the resort and all the extravagance that we experienced.

I sure hope this Wonder Road thing becomes an annual thing. It’s been kick ass. Mat Kearney is crushing it and Bastille and Lord Huron to come. #wearesummer #wonderroadfest (at Garfield Park) https://www.instagram.com/p/CeuIZ8qLk5a/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

Until next time. This place does not suck. Also, the Bora Bora Aeroport is wild as it does not have official security screening or metal detectors. You just get on the plane. #BoraBoraPorFavora #GauguinFishin #Jollynesia (at St. Regis Lagoonarium) https://www.instagram.com/p/CeEWjKYr2Vq/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

It almost looks fake. It’s like the movie Soapdish and the opening for The Sun Also Sets. #BoraBoraPorFavora #GauguinFishin #Jollynesia (at Jean-Georges Lagoon Bora Bora) https://www.instagram.com/p/Cd_60u8vYDy/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

As our vacation slides delightfully into its second week, I am reminded of the old adage uttered by a sage and wise individual: Working is for poor people. #retirementgoals #BoraBoraPorFavora #GauguinFishin’ #Jollynesia (at St. Regis Lagoonarium) https://www.instagram.com/p/Cd6f6iQBZ6a/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=