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cuubism · 1 day

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Found this old fic concept in my notes, I doubt I'll ever get around to writing it or that I could do it justice if I did, but it still makes me laugh so I wrote it up as a little blurb. Perhaps it will make you laugh too.

Mega Popstar Dream and Hob, his extremely non-famous celebrity crush

So in this universe Dream is an extremely famous musician. He's like Taylor Swift level of famous, if you walk up to any random person on the street they would know who he is. Meanwhile Hob is an actor but really not very well known, he was in a few small projects and is in the core cast of one TV show that's well-regarded but not super popular.

It's Dream's FAVORITE TV SHOW and Hob is his FAVORITE ACTOR that he's ferally OBSESSED WITH. Everyone knows about this too, Dream is really obvious about it. In interviews people will ask him what he likes and he's like "this is my favorite TV show" "have you seen Hob Gadling in that show isn't he incredible", They'll ask him if he has a celebrity crush (as a joke) and he's like "YES HOB GADLING 😍" like it's become a meme in Dream's fandom how much he has a crush on this random actor.

They've never met though, probably Dream was afraid to -- 'never meet your heroes' and all -- and never let his team book any overlapping events. So he's never seen Hob in person, only watched his favorite TV show 65 times in a row and memorized every inch of his face. Like a stalker.

So then a Buzzfeed-esque YouTube channel is running a special edition of their usual challenge show, "People Meet Their Celebrity Crush", except this time it's "CELEBRITIES Meet Their Celebrity Crush." Dream's entire team conspires against him to book him on this. Dream doesn't know what it is until the very moment since the whole point is to surprise people with their crush. Needless to say, Hob was REALLY dubious when the channel reached out like "do you want to come on as Dream's celebrity crush" but what's he gonna do say NO? say NO when Dream is so pretty and cute? So yeah he goes.

Anyway during the moment in the video when they revealed his celebrity crush to him -- aka Hob just looking like a totally normal and random guy -- Dream literally tripped over a chair and fell on the floor and then fainted. Instant meme and it became the thumbnail of the video. When Dream woke up to find Hob crouched by him all concerned asking if he was okay he nearly had a panic attack, he was never more flustered and nervous in his whole life not even performing for crowds of millions.

Hob fell in love instantly. He doesn't even know much about Dream, he hasn't even listened to Dream's music other than what's just playing ubiquitously on the radio all the time but all it took was watching Dream fall over a chair and then look up at him with his huge starry eyes and he was like 'This one's mine forever idc. I gotta protect this nerd he won't survive in the wild.'

Anyway they did start dating after that and Dream never leaves the honeymoon phase for the rest of his whole life, he truly thinks Hob is the most handsome man and best actor in the entire world and will tell anyone so at any opportunity, he goes around saying things like "see if you believe really hard you too can marry your celebrity crush 🥰" with zero irony, he might have skipped the Grammys to go to the premiere of season 3 of Hob's show (Hob didn't ask him to do that) (Dream won the Grammy but had more fun staring at Hob's face for 2 hours than he would have had at the awards show). Meanwhile Hob never talks about Dream in public because Dream already has negative 500% privacy in his life, he's extremely protective of him, and he allegedly punched one of the paparazzi in the face when they tried to take stealth shots at their wedding which was supposed to be a private affair. ALLEGEDLY. No charges were filed.

Dream did post one photo of the wedding on insta for his adoring fandom in which he described Hob as his knight in shining armor and then denied any knowledge of any 'alleged' events when asked about it in the future. Because Hob was so much more private about their relationship than Dream, for a while Dream's fandom had been like HOB DOESN'T DESERVE DREAM but after the (alleged) story about Hob punching someone in the face came out they were all obsessed with him. So that solved that problem.

(Despite Hob's efforts a paparazzi photo did come out of them the morning after the wedding, Hob sitting on the terrace drinking coffee, Dream sitting on his lap wearing Hob's shirt and looking thoroughly ravished. Dream might have framed it.)

Then they lived happily ever after. Dream put Hob in every one of his music videos regardless of whether it made sense for the story. Hob got one of Dream's songs put in his favorite TV show which made Dream's whole entire year. The end :)

#another absurd little narrative for you all #dreamling #the video thumbnail for 'celebrities meet their celebrity crush' of dream falling over the chair is so vivid in my mind...

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redysetdare · 9 months

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listen when we say we need aroace rep - we MEAN we need AROACE REP. becuze shock of all shocks, a character being just ACE is not aroace rep! same with a character being just aro is not aroace rep. not all aroace ppl see their aro and ace identities as separate.

I for one, find it difficult to separate my aro and ace identities from each other which is why i am AROACE and not aro and ace. A character being only ace is not representing me. I do not feel represented by only an ace character. they are not even half representing me because my asexuality goes hand in hand with my aromantisism. and Ace character is not half representing aroace people. I'm sorry but i do not relate to the alloace experience because i am not alloace. so a character being only ace is not relatable to me because they are not aroace. the same goes for if a character was only aro or aroallo.

Now before anyone decides to misinterpret this post to hell and back I'm not saying that aroallo or alloace rep is bad or shouldn't exist. I'm saying stop throwing aroace rep under the bus because "Actually we need more just aro/just ace rep" as if that somehow solves the issue of aroace rep being nonexistent.

#text #aro #aroace #ace #aromantic #asexual #aspec #also if i see someone be like 'ok but all ace rep is aroace they just call it ace' im going to strangle u #if they call it ace then it is ace!!!! it is not magically aroace because u decided thats what they REALLY meant #yeah society doesnt recognize aro as an identity but that doesnt mean that all ace characters are ACTUALLy aroace im going to explode u #im just tired of it being thought that aroace ppl have it so much better and dont need rep as much as just aro or just ace ppl #im tired of aroace ppl getting thrown under the bus because we are aro and ace and so obviiously we get double the rep or some bs #if you think this is about a post you are wrong it is about many posts all saying the same thing #because even in our own communities aroace ppl are the punching bags #because no matter where we go ppl are shit talking part of our identity or treating it as less than #i swear the communities focus on fully separating aro and aceness has been more detrimental than helpful #it's gotten to a point yall think there cant be any overlap ever and have sorta pushed aroace ppl out of both communities #because 'you cant bring ace experiences into aro spaces! not everyone who is aro is aroace!'#'you cant bring aro experiences into ace spaces because not all aces are aro! we can feel love and have relationships!!!'#basically ignoring the nuance and overlap our communities have in order to try to be seen as independent identities.#idk i miss when we would work together and understand each identity as different but also see that there was similarities and overlap

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moreclaypigeons · 4 months

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No like seriously ARE we ready to talk about the misogyny in fandom spaces

#or more so like. the disparity. of depictions of men vs of women. i #and like. dear god. it's dire out here sometimes #um. anyway i dont say this to like invalidate anyone and i worry that by even saying this it feels terfy?#but its like no u can talk about misogyny while including trans people especially bc of the overlap. heterocissexism. is ghat a word #like . ugh i just. its never like an individual thing i have beef with u know #like if someone tends to prefer male characters or writing men loving men im never gonna shit on em yk #it just . bothers me how large of a trend it is #especially in comparison to f/f...#like jave u see the differences on ao4 #ao3*#or the differences in how people talk about men vs women here #obviously theres room outside that binary and i fucking hate it as it stands anyway but it does stand and we should talk about it.#like i dont think this is just a cis issue at all. we should also talk about how we talk about nonbinary or gender non conforming characters #but its also like can we be normal about women too. and not prioritize men always . um #hey guys . rambling in the tags is all to say. this post explicitly includes trans people. i will not tolerate any #transphobic rhetoric on any responses to it. you will be blocked.#sierra speaks #misogyny in fandom

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chirpsythismorning · 1 year

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I finally got around to watching @lesbianmindflayer’s Top Ten Hints Mike is Gay video… The Snow Ball one added a whole other layer of context to those scenes that didn’t really click for me until now—

#byler #mike wheeler #it was the dustin/nancy parallels to mike/el #like it was something that on the surface I noticed and I heard ppl talk about and was like duh #but hearing the set up of it in s1…#that was something I also was aware of but seeing them side by side was a little too visceral #you can tell that a writer put those scenes next to each other and was making them with each other in mind when they made all those choices #and then how both dustin and mike were sad that the person they liked was dancing with someone else…#and then ended up dancing with someone that more so fits a platonic/sister bond…#you got me crying baby baby please playing right before mike and el kiss…#more like you’ve got me crying baby baby please get me out of here #like what kind of lyric choice is that bro??????#and then to overlap it with the crypticness of the mindflayer watching over them?#once this is a five part story… it’s gonna be hard to see these scenes as romantic #bc we’re gonna be seeing all of these parallels in very close proximity..#s5 is really going to be the thing that changes how people are going to be able to understand the previous seasons #it’s gonna be quite the spectacle

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novantinuum · 7 months

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self care is unfollowing people who spread negativity on ur dash!! like Damn! yeah i theoretically Agree with your crit but i really Don't wanna see it either bc i want to Celebrate content instead of hyperfixating on the stuff i didn't like about it! yeet!!!

#jen rambles #i had someone call a SU fic i wrote once a 'fix it' and i'm just like #NO!!!#it was Not a fix it!#because a fix it would assume that i think i am Better and More Smart than the creators and that is hubris i really don't want #to take upon myself #i just like!! taking the elements i like and writing More of it!#that's all #i also feel like there's lots of people who just crumple when things in fiction aren't coherently explained #but i've always seen those holes as Opportunities?#idk like on one hand is leaving holes in your narrative bad writing? likely #but also the very soul of fan creation has Always been stepping alongside canon and re-imagining it #and oft filling those holes #and i just wish more people would join me in doing so in good faith to the source material #instead of doing it in that sort of 'ughhh so like since canon fucking sucks i'm fixing it :)' way #one day i'll prob Myself talk about the issues i had with the plotting of This Thing and you'll see tons of overlap with what #others are saying about it #but like idk. just why make that your sole focus? doesn't that bum other people out too?#like it kind of breaks my heart seeing people so fixated on the imperfections that they can't even enjoy what Was #i just don't get this mindset

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goblins-riddles-or-frocks · 7 months

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I was reading your metas and came across the part where you said he wanted her to already be in love with him and wanted his money back and..what does that even entail for him? He wanted an obedient slave? Ok but he still wouldn't have trusted her. He still wouldn't have been happy.

This is the full text of what I said in that previous ask on the topic:

He’s been waiting for a sun summoner for an untold amount of time and has been building all his goals and desires around it. He keeps demanding her submission but that won’t get him her respect. He wants her to idolize him and to agree with everything he does. In her he wants a companion in immortality and a starry eyed acolyte. He spent all this time thinking the sun summoner was the key to all of his life’s woes, and then Alina shows up and WRECKS his shit. he feels ripped off!! He wants his money back!! But also desperately, desperately wants her to magically have always been the person he wanted her to be.

Worth noting that that is from a meta post where I’m explaining my characterization choices for a fic I wrote. But I do think that’s still accurate of (my interpretation) of his canon characterization anyway.

I can’t tell whether you mean “happy” as in actual happiness or in the sense of being satisfied. Though either way, you’re absolutely correct!

Regardless, these two things do tie in together to be honest. In the sense of happiness: he is a withered, miserable husk of a person. I don’t think at this point he’s really capable of being happy.

There is so much about his backstory we don’t know. But it is explicit that he didn’t start out an unfeeling monster. Demon in the Wood does go out of its way to establish that. But it also establishes his ruthlessness from a very young age and ability to do difficult things to save himself. But he’s so goal oriented and those goals are usually at the cost of any immediate, real happiness. Throughout his life, he’s kept making sacrifices, of himself and others, in the name of his larger goals, but the growing cost in his wake means that the things he’s striving towards get loftier and loftier in order to be worth it. It’s pure sunk cost fallacy.

Meanwhile, age is itself corruption for him. As he accumulates wealth, luxury, and power, and in turn loses touch with humanity and becomes increasingly jaded, his concerns become more self-centered and power driven rather than based in genuine moral ideals.

Outliving everyone he’s ever known multiple times over solidifies his growing selfishness, because what is a few hundred, or thousand lives to him, when they will all be dead within a heartbeat anyway? He might be trying to “save Ravka” from a nationalist standpoint, but the people that make up the country itself are fully disposable. Like we see by Shadow and Bone, his take on Grisha liberation is literally just fascism.

So at the tail end of at least five hundred, to possibly one thousand years, we have a corrupt despot, sitting on an endless pile of corpses, and lifetimes of genuine personal misery, who still believes himself to be the ultimate martyr, and that there is going to be— there must be— some sort of return on his enormously outsized and dearly purchased investments.

And he expects that return to be Alina.

Tangentially, something that really annoys me about this series is that, for all its focus on weighing legend and fable with reality, and trying to find the truth in stories that have been twisted by time and repetition, is that we get absolutely zero sun summoner lore, despite the strong implication that it does exist. The show makes some paltry attempt at giving us something about it being almost a prophecy? That there is some sort of, explicitly religious, story that a sun summoner will come and save Ravka or some such thing. The books don’t have even that.

We know that there is concept of sun summoners as something that could potentially happen, because they have a name for Alina’s ability the moment she’s discovered— even though there’s no indication that there’s ever been anyone else who shared the same power. But we never hear how, what exactly the expectations are, or for how long that’s been known.

What also know that the Darkling is waiting for one. And from how he speaks to her, he seems to view her as almost a cosmic reward and salve for his suffering. I do not think he’s exaggerating when he talks about how she was “meant” to be his/his balance or how she was “meant” for the amplifiers that he intends to bolster his destiny to rule. I think he fully believes in some sort of fate or grand destiny for the both of them, or rather for himself, and she is just a branch of that.

This is reaching pure conjecture, but there is the implication that shadow summoning only exists because of Ilya Morozova’s dabbling with merzost. And it itself highly seems to predate any iteration of a sun summoner ever existing, so the theory that one might ever come to be is literally because someone needs to offset the Darkling. (The series is generally very “what about Baghra? idk don’t worry about it” in terms of… a lot of things when it comes to how unique Alina and the Darkling are lmaoo and I guess that applies here.) And there’s the one kind of throw away line of his in the first book about how Etherealki typically work in pairs, but *meaningful look* Alina doesn’t have one, that I feel further hints at this idea of them being a matching set. The worldbuilding itself is murky and hard to parse in its contradictions, but I think it’s safe to say that he personally views her as something created for him.

He is putting all of his misery, and insane desires and dreams accumulated over many centuries, at her feet and expecting her to be the fulfillment of it all. There’s no way she can actually satisfy that! It is a fully, completely unattainable standard. It will never be enough. “What is infinite? The universe and the greed of men” etc, etc.

I already said this in that fic meta, but it’s relevant again here: I do think that, genuinely, there’s no degree of submission Alina could ever offer that would be enough. Partially because his irrational desire for her preexisting unconditional love, where he wants an impossible scenario where she simply never went against him or hated him for anything he did, can never be met after their initial falling out, but also because his expectations are fully unattainable. It isn’t a void that any real, living person can fill.

So you’re fully correct, even if she was completely obedient, and star struck, and ready to listen to him in all things, even as he lies to her. Even if she were willing to believe he was completely justified and in the right for his plans of like cartoonish and genocidal world domination, he would not be happy with her! She would always fall short.

All of this is to say that what I find most compelling about the Grisha trilogy is its stylized-through-fantasy premise of a vulnerable protagonist whose identity is threatened to be entirely subsumed by the exacting desires of a cruel man. I think for all of its clumsy and more juvenile trappings— and how it doesn’t fully even engage with this theme that is integral to it, yet mostly exists in the margins— it’s a fairly interesting and complicated space to play with themes of abuse and grooming. And that’s usually the main lens I’m engaging with it through.

I hope that clarifies my point!

#the more I talk about this the more I see overlap with the things that appeal to me about phantom of the opera #I have a very limited pool of things I care about in fiction #grishaverse #shadow and bone #alarkling #the darkling #aleksander morozova #alina starkov #meta #all the bendy punctuations #a mysterious stranger has appeared #i ramble sometimes #*writer’s cap*

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puppyeared · 26 days

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who up seeing their disorder in a fictional character but feel like its not their place to put a name on it

#id have to be waterboarded before i can talk abt how i see a lot of my adhd and personality in mitsumi iwakura let alone post it #idk how to talk abt this without feeling like im talking over or invalidating ppls experiences relating with a character #someone was talking abt how ppl tie laios' autism to special interest and social difficulties but not much else which kinda flattens it #and then went into a respectful in depth analysis of other autistic behaviour that laios exhibits and it wasnt phrased meanly #its fascinating and important to me to hear someone explain a little bit abt traits that they recognized and often go overlooked #because it does help me learn more about it. but i think thats also where hesitancy kicks in when it comes to depicting it accurately #like i have adhd and some of my adhd symptoms overlap with autism (time blindness and pattern seeking behaviour) but that only means #it feels familiar to me even without having autism. on top of that traits arent always cleanly determined as being /caused/ by #a disorder. to understand my environment i compare it to something unrelated but similar to make it more familiar and for the longest time #i thought that was a personality thing and not an information processing thing since i loved playing pretend in my head as a kid #so if you make a character who experiences that hoping to reach people that also experience that and tell them its not weird or #smth youre making up like. thats the goal. ppl who dont get it arent expected to it just means it doesnt cater to them but it helps them #become familiar to it yk? since i dont have autism myself i dont feel confident i can depict it properly or explain it in my own words #but that doesnt mean im trying to dismiss it or try and cut it out completely.. ill just leave the floor open to someone who /can/#a lot of issues around fanon depictions are when smth is baselessly popularized or a characters personality and behavior is flattened #especially to fit them into a trending meme. its harmless and its supposed to be for fun but it gets tricky when you drag things that #need to be carefully explained beforehand or else it gets lost in translation. like that tweet abt 'hyperfixating' on cooking pasta #once it becomes popular language usually the original meaning is left out for the sake of simplifying it for everyone that when it #circles back theres a sort of hesitancy like. am i using it the way it was intended or am i unknowingly using the popularized version of it #actually thats probably why i felt wrongfooted during diagnosis bc it felt like i was misusing the words i heard to describe what i felt #i /know/ i see a lot of myself in mitsumi because our minds are always somewhere else and we tend to put good faith first and for me #that personal connection is enough. but idk it feels like its always gonna have to be 'palatable' first before i can talk abt it openly #mad respect to writers and creators who stick to their story even if theres the looming fear of ppl misinterpreting it and letting them #have it.. its been almost 2 weeks and i am so close to deleting that m3 dunmeshi drawing bc ppl keep saying chilchuck wouldnt have 200 HP #IT LITERALLY SAYS I MADE IT WHILE WATCHING EP 1. I USED EARTHBOUND LOGIC AND I WASNT EVEN TAKING IT SERIOUSLY CHILL #yapping

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harocat · 10 months

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Y’all are just pretending misogyny doesn’t exist lately, I swear to god.

#I’m not talking about fandom here #though they do it too #just a post that really pissed me off #one of many posts but this was the straw that broke the camel’s back #misogyny is not a B plot it’s at the route of more things than you can imagine #*the root 😔#and I’m tired of ppl underplaying that and attributing things that are blatantly rooted in misogyny elsewhere #though often there IS massive overlap; i.e. misogyny with racism and misogyny with transphobia #I literally see ppl talk about misandry more in leftist circles lately #you all have lost the plot SO BAD #hey guess where legitimate harm toward men on the basis of being men actually comes from #it’s not ‘misandry’—- it’s the patriarchy—- which is misogyny #this is feminism 101 you all understood it in 2016 but you’ve totally lost that in a sea of discourse by now #misogyny is one of the most dangerous and widespread forms of bigotry and it underpins the entire fucking human planet get with the PROGRAM

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theygender · 10 months

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This has been on my mind for weeks and I talked to my therapist about it today and told my girlfriend about it too so now it's time for me to update the gay people in my phone: I may have schizotypal personality disorder

#this is like the equivalent of telling the bees to me #rambling #like ive been thinking about ever since i learned that autism shares a lot of similarities with schizophrenia and looked into that #and then learned about negative/cognitive symptoms and realized i related a lot to them #and then i learned more about schizotypal personality disorder and it was fuckin scary how much i related to it #what with the magical thinking and the severe social anxiety that doesnt go away when i get to know someone #and the ideas of reference and the eccentricity and the communication difficulties and the strange thought patterns #and then i specifically learned about avolition as a negative symptom which describes the exact thing thats ruining my life rn #and. i was scared to talk to my therapist about it bc i was worried it could be used against me somehow #but it was good to talk it out with her and get some additional perspective on whats going on in my brain #and if it means i could maybe possibly work on fixing the avolition and the social anxiety (my two biggest issues for years)#then it would be 100% worth it tbh. and its also kind of helpful to have some sort of framework to understand whats happening in my brain #funnily enough when i told my girlfriend (who was previously mis?diagnosed with schizophrenia and considering autism)#about it she related a lot too. so i guess we'll see how that goes #its. crazy how much of an overlap there is between schizospec orders and autism #i feel like i might should write up a post going into detail about different schizospec disorders to raise awareness #bc like. it is so much more than just hallucinations and delusions #in fact its not even required to have both of those for any schizospec disorder. some only require one and others dont require either #there is so much to the schizophrenic spectrum that i was unaware of and I'm sure that's probably true of other people too

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todayisafridaynight · 10 months

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I wanted to write in about my thoughts on Jo as a CSA survivor separately for a couple of reasons:

I already more or less have what I have to say on the topic in order thanks to talks with @starssystem and another friend [<3]

This is a massive tonal shift from anything else I could be discussing

This Is Massive In General For The Love Of God PLEASE Help Me

Obvious CSA CW for anyone else reading; I only discuss statistics, psychology, and the aftereffects seen in survivors here, but it's worth a warning.

With the disclaimers out of the way… I'd mentioned before I've only ever added one thing to Jo's background, and you were right: this is it! To me, there's so much thematic overlap in Jo's narrative with the experience of surviving CSA it's worth it to examine his character through the lens of that being the case. Of course, there are clearly-stated reasons for it all that Aren't That, but…

It's the pervasive guilt and shame, the lifelong secret that becomes too unbearable not to tell, the faulty coping mechanisms aimed at burying the trauma without having to face it, the reluctance to be sincere [vulnerable] and the lies and half-truths used to maintain the facade of invulnerability, the pursuit of power and control and the knee-jerk anger response when it's threatened, the pursuit of mastery over his body and the indifference to what happens to it. And the way a lot of it really does stem from a deeply traumatic childhood sexual experience from before either he or Ikumi understood what they were getting into, from before they could give informed consent.

Statistically, the further below the average age someone is for their first time, the likelihood of [at best] having been introduced to sex inappropriately and [at worst] having been abused at the time or earlier rises exponentially. Jo was 15 when Masato was conceived--possibly 14, since he was saying he "met" Arakawa at 15, and by then Masato was already born. To put this into perspective, since what ages register as concerning is largely cultural, the average age in the US and UK is 16-18. But in Japan, it's over 19.

To a Westerner [or even a heavily Westernized non-Westerner], having a kid at 15 is unfortunate, but not untenable; you've seen it on TV, you might know people like that, you might even be that kid or that parent. But in Jo's case, with him being 4 or 5 years younger than average, it's like if someone told you they had their first time--had a /kid/--at 13 or under. That's the equivalent discrepancy. That /is/ concerning, to me.

It's also something that's linked to negative outcomes in adulthood, partly because of the likelihood of forming bonds with poorly-adjusted peers. Jo specifically states he and Ikumi were only together because others who came from backgrounds like his own were all he had back then. [As an aside, it's interesting to see him instinctively seek out a relationship where his pain would be understood without having to say anything--or one where he could assume it would, at any rate.]

When it comes to his relationship with Ikumi, I've always felt there was this "adult dynamic" between them--in the sense it feels like one that'd be more fitting for adults to get into than a couple of teens. It was, based on his wording, a primarily physical relationship neither of them expected to last even if they were living together. To me, it's one thing if you're fully convinced you're in love or you're experimenting or whatever and that results in an unplanned pregnancy, but it's another thing entirely to have such a bleak yet objective outlook on your relationship so young.

And it didn't have to be that way. He could've been just like Arakawa, head-over-heels in love with this girl who was The Only Good Thing He Had Going, or something like that. But the sheer contrast between how Arakawa was crazy about Akane and never forgot about her for the rest of his life, while Jo more-or-less-clearly didn't have feelings for Ikumi and can't bring himself to remember her name after living with her for at least a year and experiencing life-changing events with her…

It's notable to me that Arakawa maintains an interest in women while nearly every in-character interpretation I've seen makes Jo averse to women. Obviously, we don't really know that; it's probably just based on his general attitudes, his contrast with Arakawa, and maybe his immunity to Charm. But I think there's a reason a lot of people pick up on it and tie it to trauma rather than/in addition to a lack of interest in women.

I've talked about this through the lens of comphet already [and Jo being gay or ace or both would present other difficulties], but I can't overstate how notable it is on its own. We see Jo's response to traumatic events, and it's to become preoccupied with them, to investigate further if he has any leads. That's why he remembers every minute detail of the night Masato was born and the time he saw Arakawa attempt to comfort Masato when he was crying and hitting himself. I think it's also why he gets as far as he does when looking into Arakawa's death, and why he entrusts the search to Ichi. He never seems to manage to block them out, even if that's what he'd rather do--even if that's what he thinks he's doing.

So if he "[doesn't] even remember" the name of the mother of his child, I get the feeling there's something more going on. Like I've [probably] said in the past, Jo genuinely sounds traumatized by the relationship as a whole. More than anything else he's been through, and he's been through a lot. It's often the case that CSA survivors who are also survivors of other trauma view it as worse than anything else that happened to them.

And that's not to implicate Ikumi at all, I don't think it's a case of COCSA--everything I've said holds just as true for her, and she had to suffer the additional trauma of an unwanted pregnancy and childbirth, at that. Rather, I think it would make sense for something like CSA, which often incontrovertibly reconfigures one's relationship with sex and love, to be a factor in why they rushed into a something physical before they were mature enough to handle it.

Some victims end up having perfectly healthy experiences, some victims end up avoiding them, some victims end up re-victimized, and some victims end up with a mixed bag--there's a lot of variation. But some victims do end up having relationships like this and making mistakes like this, because that's all they know, or because they want to heal but don't [or don't know how to] go about it in a healthy way, at a healthy pace. And I definitely think if you recognize that's what the basis of your relationship was, that it all comes back to something you'd rather forget, it'd make sense to want to forget the relationship as a whole.

To that end, it's possible to come away from a relationship traumatized even if no one did anything wrong. I've [probably] talked about how the way Jo comforts her at the station feels like he's doing it for her sake and pushing his own feelings down, but neither of them is really buying it. If that's a pattern in their relationship, perhaps he wouldn't have been able to communicate if maybe what they were doing was dredging up bad memories, if he wanted to stop but didn't think she did. So to go through with it, then get the news months later…

Either way, the fact Ikumi couldn't bring herself to tell him she was pregnant until nothing could be done would, for Jo, invariably cement the feeling he has no control over what happens around him. I think the sense of powerlessness he felt is why he blew up at her when she told him, because it's really the only time we see him lash out like that at her. At the park, he objects to going back for Masato, sure, but he's passive. And I think that unbroken pattern of powerlessness in his life [which CSA would only compound on] is why he's so reactionary, why he's so emotionally dysregulated, why he expresses his rage through what basically amounts to power-tripping.

But I do think Jo does have a great deal of awareness. A lot of his wording when he's telling Ichi about it borders on poetic, or at the very least candid and effective. That requires both prior reflection and a command of language. I think there's a lot he understands deep down, at least after sitting with it for long enough, but he isn't capable of voicing--or doesn't know how to voice--what's on his mind, most of the time.

So when he joins the Arakawa Family, when he rises the ranks and has that control back, his control has to be near-absolute. If it's undermined in any way--such as, for example, a certain someone failing to answer a call within two rings--he loses it. On the other side of the coin, I do feel a lot of why his devotion and gratitude towards Arakawa goes to the extent it does, why he's so comfortable with him, is because Arakawa gave him the safety of the Arakawa Family, gave him back his autonomy, gave him the environment--and treated him with enough humanity to give him the reason--to learn to regulate himself, to better himself.

And Arakawa /gets/ trauma. He really does. Aside from his own abusive background, literally the only time the word trauma comes out of any character's mouth in this series, it's Arakawa's. It comes back to Jo saying others who came from backgrounds like his own were all he had; that never changed, did it?

Lastly, For Funsies [<- LIE. COMPLETE LIE. TURN BACK NOW] I wanted to go through the items on this [CSA] Survivors' Aftereffects Checklist I could check off with near-certainty. 19/34, by the way, give or take. Now, as I said at the beginning, there are existing concrete reasons for why he has many of these experiences… but it's like the trans allegory with Masato, To Me… If I can check off over half the list based on a very limited backstory and an hour of screen time total, that's indicative of a notable overlap… TO ME…

Note that the book this list is from was published in 1990 and focuses on women's experiences. It was a huge step forward in giving survivors a voice back when a lot of existing research indicated CSA had neutral or even positive effects on children, but it's definitely a product of its time. With that out of the way…

Wearing a lot of clothing, even in summer […]

To be fair, most male characters in RGG are fully-covered and have near-unchanging designs, and it's winter in both 2000/2001 and presumably 2019, but… when it comes to Jo, it feels a little different.

He does have Some Heavage in his twenties [although the necklace takes the attention off of his actual chest], but as time goes on, he shows less and less skin and adds more and more layers. When he has the gloves on, it leaves no skin exposed at all, and there's this direct symbolic correlation with secrecy that isn't there for other characters. And if you're wearing three layers of leather [or even one], you can neither feel what you're touching nor feel anything touch you.

Pure Speculation, but I just can't really see him underdressed for any occasion… That's why his fit in Day with the Sun is funny as hell but also… yeah…

As a behavior, if it's rooted in anything, it's probably rooted in having to hide signs of physical abuse, of course--but then he kind of already had an excuse, with how he was constantly getting into fights. I guess it depends on the specifics, but I think it's interesting to consider this as one way CSA victims attempt to regain control of their bodies, avoiding emotional discomfort at the cost of physical discomfort.

Self-destructiveness

It's nothing super overt, but I see this most clearly represented in his second boss fight in particular; his willingness to wield a blade bare-handed while using enough force he could very well render his hand useless. I think it's potentially also evident in how he has severe cataracts he chooses to ignore and allow to worsen, despite having the reasons and resources to undergo surgery to restore his vision. In doing so, he literally and figuratively blinds himself to so much.

I also kind of think the assassination of Hoshino/the anonymous call and The Eye Scene are examples of self-sabotage. I mean, he literally was sabotaging himself in the former, but it's also the specific way he feels the need to be physically taken down in order to be stopped--possibly a holdover from RGGJo, who's only too happy to be beaten into a coma.

I don't know… It's hard to pinpoint, but I feel like he would be averse to most of the more "obvious" self-destructive behaviors--especially when he has people in his life who might notice and worry, like Ikumi and Arakawa. That and because many of them are addictive. He's seen what that's done to his father, and he's also developed this incredibly rigid sense of discipline he can't maintain if he doesn't have a clear head.

From how he talks about himself [as having lost his humanity and lived a half-assed life], I definitely think he's at the very least unkind to himself, but I also think he does externalize it by provoking others to harm him [in the case of physical fights] and reject him. Like he needs some kind of proxy perpetrator. For some abuse victims, this specific manifestation of self-destructive behavior is a way to regain control--whether or not you "deserved it" back then, you do now, as a direct, logical result of your actions.

Need to be invisible, perfect, or perfectly bad

I think each of these needs manifests in different ways for Jo. The need to be invisible can be seen with authority figures (mainly Aoki, but also Arakawa in The Yubitsume Scene, a little; how drastically he pulls back and tries to act "normal")--this relates to what you were talking about with being reluctant to intrude or take up space. If you fall under the radar, maybe you won't get hurt.

The need to be perfect can be seen in his seemingly "impossible" standards, I would say. Of course, because we see things from Ichiban's perspective, we tend to see them as unfair and often arbitrary demands. But they aren't arbitrary to Jo, are they? They're standards he holds himself to through and through. If you're good, maybe you won't get hurt.

The need to be perfectly bad can be seen in and relates to much of what I discussed under self-destructiveness [The Eye Scene and the way he antagonizes Ichiban specifically by making himself out to be worse than he is]. If you must get hurt, it can at least "make sense"--be "deserved."

Suicidal thoughts, attempts, obsession (including "passive suicide")

Obviously he's not like… Mine Levels Of Overtly And Consistently Suicidal, and he doesn't attempt suicide himself, but at the same time, I have to note his total ambivalence towards Aoki seeing him as a "bullet" (a kind of hitman sent on suicide missions). He agreed to what he himself viewed as a suicide mission and he didn't care what would happen to him afterward, as he says to Joon-gi, Zhao, and Adachi.

Aside from that, I certainly feel he's at least had passive thoughts like wanting to disappear or wishing he'd never been born. Y'know. Nothing concrete, but reflective of his mental state, and just as detrimental to dwell on long-term.

I think there's a sort of childishness [for lack of a better word] to thoughts like these [in that they're impossible], but also a level of maturity in that it probably doesn't escalate to something more actionable because he understands he has responsibilities he can't abandon. I think if he was ever seriously suicidal, it would be at the points of his life where he really didn't have any responsibility to anyone, like between Ikumi leaving and him joining the family, or after he was arrested.

Depression (sometimes paralyzing) […]

I'm trying not to over explain going forward because I Have BEEN Overexplaining It Is SUCH A Disaster… he's depressed If You Have Eyes And/Or Ears… I'll leave it at that…

Anger issues; inability to recognize, own, or express anger; constant anger […]

Lol

Rigid control of one's thought process; humorlessness or extreme solemnity

Relates back to what I was saying about how disciplined he is [and expects everyone else to be], but in general, he's incredibly, incredibly serious and focused. I don't think he's /entirely/ humorless [but then again, very few people are]; I just think his specific sense of humor is. Like. What Is Your Problem [I Know What Your Problem Is I Have Been Discussing It In EXCRUCIATING Detail But What The Fuck Is Your Problem]

Trust issues; inability to trust (trust is not safe); total trust; trusting indiscriminately

That's why he was planning on taking his secret to the grave, isn't it? It was only when faced with the realization it would soon be too late to say anything that he was able to tell Ichiban. He could've trusted Arakawa, should've been able to, but… in his mind he never could.

This book [and this checklist] is about "incest" actually, but it redefines "incest" to mean any instance of CSA perpetrated by any individual the victim trusts or has an expectation of being able to implicitly trust. Which… is most CSA as we understand it today, so I've edited some parts to just say that.

Anyway, I've never given much thought to the specifics of what Jo might've experienced--who did it, what happened, how long it went on, etc.--so there's no conclusion I can draw here [and elsewhere, I'm sure]… but even without that, to grow up unable to trust the one person who should be in his corner, his father, and to have his trust betrayed by Ikumi, it's no surprise Jo ended up like this either way. So… I'm happy he had the courage to tell Ichi, in the end.

High risk taking ("daring the fates"); inability to take risks

I think these are supposed to be mutually exclusive, but to me, Hoshino's assassination and Arakawa's assassination represent both sides of the coin, although they're not the only examples. There are risks Jo won't think twice about taking and risks that paralyze him.

Boundary issues; control, power, territoriality issues; fear of losing control; obsessive/compulsive behaviors (attempts to control things that don't matter, just to control something)

Lol…

Guilt, shame; low self-esteem, feeling worthless; high appreciation of small favors by others

Lmao Even…

Feeling demand to "produce and be loved"; instinctively knowing and doing what the other person needs or wants; relationships mean big tradeoffs (love was taken, not given)

I actually think this encapsulates a lot of what I've been saying about his work ethic, his ideas of discipline, and his relationship with Ikumi, but I also think it's why Masato took a liking to him. His attentiveness. It ties back into wanting to be perfect; when you're abused--especially long-term--you become attuned to observing and responding to any shifts in mood or tone. This is another area where I can't draw any conclusions relevant to my point, but it does certainly relate to his father's abuse, at any rate.

Abandonment issues

Kind of contentious… The anticipation of being abandoned by or losing someone he cares about appears to be worse than the actual experience. He's fine with Ikumi leaving him, and he's… not Fine With, but able to come to terms with Arakawa's death and Aoki's abandonment of him. At the same time, he really does try to make Ikumi's stay in his life comfortable, and he spends almost forty years doing his damnedest to keep his family together, whatever the cost. If I were to extrapolate from RGGJo, though, /he/ does have an obsessive, unhealthy attachment to Arakawa.

Blocking out some period of early years (especially 1–12); or a specific person or place

Ikumiiiiii that's what I'm SAYINGGGG

Feeling of carrying an awful secret; urge to tell, fear of its being revealed; certainty no one will listen; being generally secretive […]

Rofl Perhaps…

Denial; […] repression of memories; pretending; minimizing ("it wasn't that bad") […]

He admits to it himself. Not much else to say. Though I don't think he necessarily minimizes what he's been through by dismissing how bad it was; rather, he tends to overestimate his ability to move past it.

Pattern of ambivalent or intensely conflictive relationships (intimacy is a problem; also focus shifted from [CSA] issues)

Also kind of contentious… we don't see a pattern of romantic relationships, as I assume the author meant here, but at the same time, the romantic relationship and non-romantic relationships we do see fit this pattern. I guess I'd say I definitely think intimacy /would/ be a problem, and he /wouldn't/ be ready to address his issues.

Limited tolerance for happiness; active withdrawal from happiness, reluctance to trust happiness ("ice=thin")

The quote that prompted this ask in the first place. It's sort of connected to the point about humorlessness and extreme solemnity; if that was the "what," this is the "why." He doesn't know how to relax ["holidays don't exist" and all], he doesn't have much to be happy about, but even rarer is the occasion where he doesn't feel too conflicted in the moment to be able to enjoy himself. That's just how I see him.

[…] verbal hypervigilance (careful monitoring of one's words); quiet-voiced, especially when needing to be heard

EXACTLY what I was talking about in this ask, so I'm leaving that one up to past me…

......

... That's It That's The Essay I'm going to hibernate until Infinite Wealth comes out and somehow refutes my points but UNTIL THEN. Farewell, take care, and once more, don't worry too much about matching my energy… Like I Said if I were the one receiving this ask I'd just delete my blog, so… I'll just be happy to know you read it :] If That lmao

ok i read it :) 👁️👁️ READMYTAGSTHERESMORETHEREIPROMISE

#long post #cw csa #doublin up to add cw warnins in the tags just in case <3 lemme know if i should throw more tags down here..... im bad at cw tags....#i forget my bookmark tag for asks from you i stg if i cant find this ask in the future im kmsing (in minecraft) immediately #snap chats #THE SNORT I MADE AT THE DEADPAN 'LOL'☠️ maybe i SHOULDVE put text In The Main Text i have A Lot of Thoughts..#im leavin the main text empty since. ngl i was just gonna compare/contrast to myself again... and say a lot of what weve said b4..#UNFORTUNATELY a lot of the things listed here uhmmmm Hm <3 Uh Oh <3 i do understand. Dare I Say personally. just a bit #I DO HAVE TO DISCLAIM ive never been a survivor of THOSE circumstances or really. any abuse tbh- brain just sucks and im a baby #and i cant say no BUT ANYWAY I HAVE REASONS FOR BEIN AN EGOTIST I SWEAR its cause I Somewhat had those exps/i understand them #i can REAAAALLLYY easily see where your points are coming from.... very easily even... like very in-depth..#even if i didnt cry bout spilled milk every other day it IS clear to see the signs of abuse in sawashiro once you know them #i've def talked bout those aspects of him whether in tag rambles or in streams or have Attempted to express it via fics #so really the bits to chew on for me esp this time round is the more CSA aspects #tbh when it comes to bein unable to see him intimate or 'underdressed' i agree: incredibly hard for me to imagine #the thing with 'symptoms' of abuse is that they kinda overlap i guess ??#in that regard it can either be a need to impress or protect himself/needing to be seen less #when it comes to doing certain things because of CSA i could see it as a result of another abuse too. if that makes sense #THOUGH THAT ISNT TO DISCREDIT THE IDEA nono cause there still exists the Now That I Think About It circumstances of masato #even if we look at it through Western Norms(TM) two- essentially homeless- kids having. A Kid is still bizarre #cause again teen pregnancies generally happen as a result of Bein Irresponsible With A Schoolmate- not that other situations cant exist #but thats the most common innit so. def an aspect to consider. All Things Considered. esp jo's self-separation from ikumi #BUT YEAH i feel like if i try to respond im just gonna end up typing up a textbook bout abuse since. UNFORTUNATELY #childhood psychology is my field of interest. and aint no one readin THAT phat thing. esp when ill prob repeat myself or you ☠️#tbh remindin meself of when i said id write psyche papers on mine and/or jo.... oops 👀💋👀 savin this to steal notes from LOL #i hope yo know i WAS thoroughly intrigued reading this. As Ive Said childhood psyche is Literally My Field and this is v thorough and good #so im always interested in readin bout How X Caused Y in Z... very interesting many MANY things to think about.. ty...#forever cursed to be an idiot cause i really wish i could talk better and say somethin of substance.. ik you said its fine but still..#im always open to chat bout this more if youd like PLEASE dont think my lack of Main Text is disinterest Im Just Stupid. But We Know That

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