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mental-health-advice · 6 months

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Back in January, I had a panic attack and disappeared. I was having anxiety over my ex, who was also a close friend, and how they had done things that were similar to an abuser from my past. I gave my friend group notice and warned them I might not return. After a few days, I decided that I should talk to my ex before doing anything rash. However, they refused to talk, ended our friendship, and turned our friend group against me. They even asked to go no contact.

After doing all of this, they then stalked my Tumblr accounts. I was worried they would do this and made a separate account to hide all my venting and mental health posts. Yet they found that account, I don't know how. I frequently wrote posts about the guilt I felt over disappearing and how I felt I had ruined our friendship. They read all of my posts and told everyone I was obsessed with them (I was obsessed, I have attachment issues, but I kept it under control) and made jokes about me committing suicide. They went so far as to claim I was stalking them and wouldn't stop talking about me.

We had a class together and parked in the same parking lot, so we often walked to our cars at the same time. They would sometimes say a few words or even a couple of sentences to me in class. Which wasn't a lot, but it was enough to make me uncomfortable. They'd often stare at me when walking.

I wouldn't find about any of what they had done until months later. One of the friends in the group stuck by me and didn't blindly follow what my ex said. I feel violated. That account was meant to be private, hidden from them. I thought I was paranoid to think they'd stalk me. People know what I posted on that account. Some of my deepest fears are public now. I'm not sure I can show my face at clubs again. The only bright side is that my friend told me they stopped stalking my accounts.

Hey there,

Firstly, I am so sorry that you went through all of this. Like you mentioned though, it is a positive that you had a friend who stuck by you throughout all of this, is this someone you could talk to when things come up for you surrounding this situation that happened to you?

I cannot imagine how it must have felt when your friends read all of your private posts on your second tumblr account that you had created to talk about all that you were going through and struggling with. It must have been really hard and made you feel that all your friends had betrayed you and your trust and especially after being so honest with your ex/ close friend about your panic attack and how/ why they had triggered you to cause it. I do not think that you did anything wrong in doing this and that instead you did quite the opposite in being honest with them. Unfortunately, it did not work out well, but this is in no way your fault and was just a really bad reaction to how your ex/ close friend in particular acted.

It can be really hard to try to cope after being so badly treated by others. But in saying this, it is not impossible. For example, could you try to talk to your friend who stuck by you in regards to the others and how you feel about all that happened. Sometimes it can be really helpful and beneficial to really talk to someone about things who knows what happened first hand and who knows – they may even be able to share with you some ways that may make things a little bit easier for you. It may also be a good idea to get the support and be able to talk to a professional about this. You can always contact a counsellor from either a helpline or on web counselling and they will be able to give you some advice on what may be helpful for you to try, help to put into perspective things and what you could do/ how you can best deal and cope with everything.

It is really good that your other friends stopped reading/ stalking your other tumblr account and even though what you did was really smart (making a separate account) perhaps in future you could keep a diary and express yourself in there. Just an idea!

I really hope that this has helped a bit and please do let us know if we can help to support you in any other way!

I’m thinking of you and hope that you are going OK!

Take care,

Lauren

#mha-lauren #advice #advice blog #mental health advice #anonymous #friends #panic attack #seeking support

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frzngrapes · 9 months

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30/07

My dear Keycie,

I spent the night unfollowing eating disorder and self harm related blogs on here, I logged out of my edtwt account and I deleted my thinspo Pinterest boards. I deleted MyFitnessPal, my weight tracker app and my fast tracker app. I came across a lot of triggering content at once and it was very long but it was necessary.

I have 500 followers on that twitter account, which isn't a lot but is more than my main Instagram's follower count. So it technically used to be my biggest social media platform. I started it two years ago and I don't think I logged out for more than two or three weeks ever since then, but now I'm gone for good. I'm not deactivating it even though I know I should, I feel there are too many important things there. It was like a diary to me, and I would share literally everything. Sometimes looking up words like "friends" "mom" or "crush" on it is fun, because I can find all kinds of different and contradictory stuff I posted during the past two years. I just feel like I should keep this archive.

Also it's a kind of "box situation" like I wrote about some time ago. I know a few months after writing about this I opened the box again. And it's still somewhere in my room even if I don't feel like using it at all. Maybe I'm just not strong enough to completely let go... But I think not having the account and the tumblr tags and the calorie counting apps on my phone is a good first step. I hadn't done anything as significant for my recovery as this in the past two years. Which, come to think of it, is a bit ridiculous. I've attempted to "recover" in the past, but never deleted the weight loss related apps from my phone before, maybe without admitting it to myself I was kinda lying about being dedicated to getting better. But maybe this time is the one right time where everything works out and I heal for real. The day I wrote about in my first ever blog post under the cherrysletters✿ tag.

I was listening to music when unfollowing the edblr accounts and Teen Idle by Marina came on and I fucking cried. Because it hit me, the fact I was suicidal, making myself puke and phased out all the time at age 16. I should have been, idk, having fun. Why did this all happen to me ? This was all so unnecessary. I remembered the fact I didn't think I would turn 17. I went back to what I wrote on here on my 17th birthday and I cried. It's not often I feel sorry for how I treated myself, but rn I really do. I guess I finally really snapped out of it. Not saying I will never be destructive to myself ever again, or that I am completely cured of whatever problem I used to have... It's just that I somehow only now realise I'm not sixteen anymore. And that me proudly fueling my ed was a long time ago, me actually planning on taking my life was a long time ago and now I'm eighteen and this is pretty much over, so I can sit back and think "Shit, that was a lot".

My mother being abusive towards me is over as well. Two months ago she apologized, admitted it was all very unfair and that I didn't deserve it. This is such a huge change in my life, feeling comfortable at home. Because since I started high school, I think what made me cry the most was my mother's word to me, or remembering them or remembering that she used to hit me. And I cried in front of her for it, a lot, from when I was 15 when I started realising it was messed up, to not long ago. But she never apologized before that day. In conversation I brought up the fact that the first time I opened up about being suicidal, she told me to go ahead and kill myself, and she said she didn't remember saying that. It really sent me spiraling I snapped yelled and cried and told her everything I had on my chest, and later she told me she was sorry for everything.

It brings me a huge sense of relief, for her to admit that she did something wrong, just like when during the 2021 gay pride some guy from my high school I seemingly didn't know came up to me and apologized for bullying me. It's like- a proof it actually happened and actually was wrong and not just me making shit up in my head.

I'm saying all this because now that I don't feel pain at home, don't self harm and try to eat normally, I can almost say I'm finally free ! "Almost" because I don't want to jinx it, and because I know my wellbeing works in waves of ups and downs. But like for now I feel like I can enjoy life without having to worry about a big dramatic thing. And I guess that gives me the space to reflect on what life was like not long ago, and that's why I cry. I don't have to cry about whatever's happening right now so get to cry a bit about how hard high school was, then I can move on and be happy for a bit.

xoxo, cherry 🌸

#cherrysletters✿#Spotify

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mewmewkitten101 · 1 year

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Keiko Kuromiya, Chapter 1: A Whole New World... Erm, I Mean Country

alright so i keep forgetting and not having the time to update the kingdoms character introduction post so here's a treat from me to you (seriously someone remind me to update it again). first chapter of keiko kuromiya on tumblr! i still prefer to post on ao3 and wattpad so here's the links to the ao3 and wattpad versions if your like me. ao3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/41188155/chapters/103253859 wattpad: https://www.wattpad.com/1261336955-keiko-kuromiya-the-cut-faced-woman-chapter-1-a

keiko kuromiya was also originally meant to be a story that's free for all to read everywhere! But if you enjoy reading and want to throw some money at me for your appreciation then please head to these links below!

Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/MewClawfur Kofi: https://ko-fi.com/mewmewkitten redbubble: https://www.redbubble.com/people/MewMewKitten/shop?asc=u

without further ado, let's get into it!

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March 20th, 2022, 12:19 AM

Well, from the bad news I learned today at least I got a new diary, which I’ve been needing for a month. I suppose you and I should get acquainted, new diary. I’m Keiko Kuromiya, how are you? Yes, I know treating my diary like a sentient being seems a little weird, but I’ve made a name for myself for being weird. Maybe this diary will end up somewhere when I’m older, those readers should at least know my name. I’ll get into the bad part of today now, it’ll probably be the most interesting thing to happen for THIS, diary #37. And yes, I’ve had 36 previous diaries. Oh, one last thing. I also name my diaries. How about… Tanya for you, #37? Good? Perfect!

It all started during spring break. I was hyped because who doesn’t love a break? I started planning outfits and stuff while talking to my friends but then my parents dropped the bomb on me just earlier today.

We’re moving to Japan the 25th.

Despite the sound of my name and my physical appearance (which is very east asian looking, except for the fact I have freckles from my mom), I’m Japanese-Irish. Papa grew up in Japan and was there all his life until college. He went abroad to study, where he met my mom. All of a sudden, his priorities changed. My Japanese grandparents weren’t happy for him wanting to leave, but he refused to stay. It would be easier for him to move to America where he already knew the language and was already familiar with everything there, compared to my mom, who would have to start learning and becoming familiar. To appease them, he did promise that someday we would move back to Japan.

Originally the plan was to move when I was eleven, but we kept pushing it off for another year, then saying to let me finish middle school first. Would there ever really be a good time though? I knew it had to happen eventually, my paternal grandparents were too stubborn to ever let it go.

So earlier today we were sitting around the dinner table at home, the very small and brown one. We were eating miso ramen, which Papa grew up eating. Some of the ingredients we can’t find around here though, not even at any of the asian supermarkets which annoys him to no end.

I’m just sitting there, enjoying my ramen, when my mom starts to ask me a question.

“Keiko, you know how your grandparents always wanted us to move to Japan?”

“Oh no, is that happening soon?” I shrank in my seat.

“Yes. We debated whether to tell you in advance or closer to the moving day. We couldn’t decide in the end so unfortunately we could only tell you now. I’m sorry Keiko.” Papa apologized, bowing in his seat.

“Couldn’t we have waited until I was older?” I protested.

“We’re sorry, but we already bought a house and everything, it’s too late to back out now.” Mom apologized again.

I was already close to tears, so I went to my room. I was sobbing for hours and hours. I stayed in bed for a good couple of hours, overthinking everything, which is what I do every day of my life, so that’s not very unusual.

I’m kind of annoyed they waited THIS long. Not just kind of, extremely, EXTREMELY annoyed. No, not annoyed, upset and angry. I knew this was happened at some point, but why do I have to find out this on my spring break, and it’s happening in four days? I think it might’ve been fun to buy a house with them if they just told me earlier!

I did suspect this though, because I was looking at a few colleges just for fun (listen, you can never be too prepared for college) and they were quiet and kept staring back at each other.

Anyway, at like, 9 PM my mom knocked at the door.

“Keiko, are you awake?” She whispered.

“Yes.” I sat up in my bed, revealing myself from the covers.

“Your father and I were talking. What if during holidays your friends can fly out to Japan or we can go visit them. I know that doesn’t fix us moving but I know how important it is you keep seeing them and everything.” Mom said.

“Please, I want to keep seeing them in Japan.”

“Alright. We’re leaving the 25th. Maybe we can have one last big hurrah before then?”

“That’s a good idea. I’ll tell them tomorrow.”

“Oh, and one more thing. We finally got you a new diary! Sorry it took so long. Okay, goodnight Keiko.” Mom handed me my new diary before closing the door. In darkness I come make out a black composition notebook.

Obviously, I wrote in my diary first before actually going to sleep. Which I guess I’ll be doing right now. Goodnight.

March 21th, 2022, 5:29 PM

Four Days Until The Move

Time is limited so I will be updating this diary after dinner, which I just finished. Today I had to break the news to my freinds. I also recorded the entire text chat. In the future my diaries may be fine literature and I’d like to look back at them if anything does happen to them. But also sometimes I can write conversations into my diary while bored and trying to think of something to write about.

Guys I have important news I learned last night

10:48 AM

Clay 😠

How are you awake so early

Anyway what’s up that doesn’t sound good

10:48 AM

You guys know how I’ve talked about how I’ll probably move to Japan someday

We’re moving there on the 25th

10:49 AM

Clay 😠

WHAT YOU DIDN’T THINK TO TELL US 10:49 AM

IF IT WAS UP TO ME I WOULD’VE KNOWN WAY EARLIER

MY PARENTS TOOK TOO LONG TO DECIDE ON IF THEY SHOULD’VE TOLD ME WAY IN ADVANCE OR CLOSER TO THE MOVING DAY BUT THEY DEBATED FOR SO LONG THEY ONLY THOUGHT TO TELL ME LAST NIGHT

10:51 AM

Lukey Boy

Your parents are a little stupid tbh

10:51 AM

Anneville

THEY WHAT?

Am I legally allowed to throw hands

10:52 AM

No.

So like are you guys free between now and the 25th?

Would you guys also wanna like come to the airport and see me one last time before I go to Japan.

10:53 AM

CLEAR SHEPARD

I just woke up what the heck I didn’t wanna be hit with you moving away

10:54 AM

Lukey Boy

You should’ve tried not staying awake until 3 in the morning

10:55 AM

CLEAR SHEPARD

Whatever I’m not getting into a fight right now

Anyway Keiko I’m free today maybe we can do something? :D

I don’t care what my parents say though I WILL be there on the 25th. Just tell me what time

10:56 AM

Clay 😠

I’m free the 25th too

10:56 AM

Lukey Boy

Me too!

10:57 AM

Anneville

Me as well!

I’m gonna be on vacation until that day unfortunately so I won’t see you until the 25th but we’ll make the best of it!

10:58 AM

Okay okay good

Let me ask my parents what time we’re leaving

10:59 AM

Okay so they said the 25th at 5 PM

We’re basically gonna spend the morning going to places I grew up and doing like a last goodbye

We’re getting up at 8 AM to pack and everything

You guys can either come to the airport in the afternoon just for the send off part or join us in the morning too.

The car is getting taken by a friend so we can drive you guys in the morning but after we leave for Japan you’re gonna need a ride sorted out because obviously we won’t be there to drive you back home

This is the schedule mom and dad set up

8:00 - 8:30 Pack away stuff, put in the car

8:30 - 9:30 Eat breakfast at IHOP

9:30 - 10:00 Go to the playground at the elementary school

10:00 - 10:10 Drive past the middle and high school

10:10 - 11:00 Visit my mom’s side of the family

11:05 - 2:00 Drive to the airport

2:00 - 3:00 Bag checks

3:00 - 4:00 Lunch?

4:00 - 5:00 Wait until it’s time

5:00 Time.

11:10 AM

CLEAR SHEPARD

Do you know where you’re moving to?

How long is the flight?

11:11 AM

Somewhere in Hokkaido

The actual flight itself is like 30 hours

We’re doing like 2 layovers

Gonna be a very long flight

I’ll be texting you in between landings

I’m gonna have to get a new phone though so I may need to like write a letter sending you my new number or something

Anyway we’ve been talking about this way too long Clara what should we do

Anyone else that’s free can tag along

11:12 AM

CLEAR SHEPARD

I can! :D!

Let’s hang out at 2

Maybe at the ice cream shop or something

11:13 AM

Clay 😠

I’m bored I’m gonna tag along

11:14 AM

Kk see y’all in a bit!

11:14 AM

And then nothing else exciting happened until we met up.

Oh, Tanya, I haven’t introduced you to the rest of my friends either! Clay is Clayton Van Der Veen, Clear Shepard is Clara Shepard, Lukey boy is Lucas Slater and Anneville is Annika Granville.

Okay moving on. I cannot possibly explain and write all the conversations we had. I think the memories of today is better through the videos and quotes I took. But yeah we had fun getting ice cream and reminiscing the past years of our lives.

Eleven years of friendship and in four days it could fizzle out. Or we could become more bonded than we’ve ever been. I’m terrified, honestly. My friends have a better time staying close with people when they can interact with them. Personally I don’t, but our group has had people come and go.

There was once a girl Clara, Luke, Annika and I knew for a really long time. Her name was Jia Xun. She was one of the other few Asian kids in the school. Screw it, honestly, maybe even in the entire district. We met in 2nd grade. But 2 years ago the summer before we were starting highschool she had to move away. Things went on kind of normally for like six months. We still talked constantly, we’d visit whenever we could. But after that six month honeymoon period slowly everyone else started to distance away from her. We made a new group chat just for the four of us. A group chat of the people that live in town, they said. I still talk to her quite a lot, she doesn’t respond much.

And sometimes I wonder, did I contribute to all that by accident? Is that why she doesn’t respond to me a lot of the time? What if I become the next Jia? Clay was essentially Jia’s “replacement”. We met him quite literally the day after Jia moved away. What if they ditch me and I get replaced?

It’s getting late. Tomorrow I guess I’ll bring it up to whoever can hang out with me.

March 22nd, 2022, 6:05 PM

Three Days Until The Move

I rushed through dinner to update my diary tonight. Literally shoving down chicken and rice down my throat. I almost choked, that was pretty fun. Mom and Papa tried to have a little conversation with me but I could only respond with my mouth full of food. Anyway, hopefully I can properly log everything that happened today.

Who can hang out today

Kinda wanna talk about something important

Besides Annika

Mom and Papa are out doing important moving stuff so I have the house to myself for awhile

1:49 PM

CLEAR SHEPARD

I WOKE UP EARLY FOR THIS

YES

Do your parents know how to make coffee by any chance by the way

1:50 PM

Yes

Also oh my god the prophecy has been fufilled

1:50 PM

Lukey Boy

Yes

Anybody wanna play some video games I can bring some

1:50 PM

Clay 😠

I’m also free

1:51 PM

You guys can come over like right now if you want

1:52 PM

Lukey Boy

Kk!

1:53 PM

They came over in like twenty minutes. Maybe thirty minutes of them beng over, we’re in the tv room, gaming together, and having a great time. I’ve agonized over how and when to bring up the topic of moving, so I bring up Jia.

“Do you guys still talk to Jia at all? She doesn’t respond to me anymore.”

“Occassionally, yeah. She seems busy most of the time.” Clara said.

“Is that why we all stopped talking to her regularly?”

“Yeah, I think since she’s sixteen now, she’s looking for a job and has friends in North Woods that she naturally got closer to since she probably sees them often.” Clay sighed.

“That makes sense. Do you think that… when I move to Japan we won’t be friends anymore?” I asked. I slowly breathed, biting my lip. I can’t cry here. Not in front of them. I hate crying in front of other people.

“Who knows for sure? We’ll do our best to make it work. Believe me, I felt the same when I moved away from my hometown.” Luke reassured me.

“Even if it does happen we promise our friendship wouldn’t end on a sour note.” Said Clay.

I was so relieved. I always was suspicious about Jia slowly getting pushed out of the group but it does make sense when I think about it.

After that it was mostly just. More dumb stupid shenaniganery, including but not limited to: Clara drinks so much coffee she starts shaking, Clay hates hiveswap, and Luke commits crimes in pokemon.

Another day better recorded with videos than in my diary. I wonder if they’d ever consider making videos playable in books or something. Anyway, goodnight.

March 25nd, 2022, 8:05 PM

3 Hours and 5 Minutes After Boarding

Okay, usually I am obsessed with my diary and recording my day but I was . get to do much else.

Gotta be honest, I’m a little tuckered out and sad so I’m gonna do a summary of today rather then a full detailed run down.

I woke up at like 6:30 to pack super early so I could dedicate some time to texting my friends. And to cry. This is something people do right? I thought if I cried in the morning I would have no tears to shed… but that didn’t do much I cried like every part of the day.

Then at 9 we went for breakfast at IHOP. We made a reservation since there was 15 of us. Us kids all sat at one end of the table while the adults were at the other end. We laughed, we all cried, we got a dessert. I also got gifts from Clara, Clay, Luke and Annika for some reason. Another diary from Clara, a new dress from Annika, what I can assume to only be a years’ worth of hair dye from Clay and some books about Japan from Luke. Luke’s been preparing for this since the day we met for some reason and he read up on Japan a long time ago and it was only fitting he pass them on to me. I never told Luke that someday I would move to Japan immediately so I don’t know why he had them since the day we met.

At 9:30 we hit up the playground at the elementary school. Luke never visited so we ended up recording a video like we’re doing an MTV house tour. Yeah don’t ask we don’t know either we thought it was funny.

At 10 we drove past the high school and middle school. We all reminisced about our middle school adventures and high school adventures. Then my friends all went to the airport since traffic was bad and my parents and I went to my maternal grandparents’ house.

We got there at 10:10. It wasn’t really a drive since my grandparents live right by the elementary school. I said hello and goodbye to a bunch of my relatives, though in all honesty I was more focused on talking to my friends. Grandpa and Grandma were bawling to my Mom and Papa. They love dad so dearly, since Mom grew up in a house of like, her and six other sisters.

Then at 11:05 we made our way to the airport. Traffic was bad, as usual. We got there at 2 for bag checks then met up with my friends for lunch. This was when it was really hitting me.

I mean we’re all in a position where we can visit each other no problem. Okay with some problems but those problems aren’t money. We’re not gonna be able to see each other regularly. I can’t tour my new school, talk about the teacher feuds and drama that the upper or underclassman have with them like I used to. I was bawling the entire time.

We finished by 4 and by then we basically had to play the waiting game. I was stressed out of my mind. I was too embarrassed to talk and let my friends hear my crying voice but I felt a little peace being surrounded by them.

At 4:50 we went to wait in line, my friends all joined us despite them not boarding so we could soak up as much interaction as possible. By then all of us were in tears and our parents were all starting to get sappy too. We started all saying goodbye. Then, it was the dreaded boarding.

They waved all in tears, I waved back, and I stepped down my gate, tears streaming down my face. My parents comforted me as we found our seat. I got the window seat and looked over and over at my gifts and my friends encouraging words. I wasn’t sure if I could be okay without them in Japan. I still feel that way.

I’m terrified. I can speak Japanese well. Papa has taught me the reading and I know katakana and hiragana fine, but I’m so bad at kanji. My grandparents in Japan wrote letters to me growing up so I could practice my writing, and though I have done my best to learn kanji I still need Papa to help me translate and read it. Thinking about this is starting to make me feel more upset so I’m going to try to calm down, maybe read one of the books Luke gave me.

The yokai seems interesting so I’ll tackle that one first. Later, diary.

#keikokuromiya #keikokuromiyastory #keiko kuromiya #keiko kuromiya story #story #writblr #writerblr #writeblr #author #original story #original characters #japan #yokai #biracial #biracial teenager

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starryeyedkid · 2 years

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finally back 5/15/22

jesus tits i have so much to say

i have a boyfriend now. we've been together for a little over 2 months now. i'll call him elijah. believe me when i tell you that he is truly the sweetest man i have ever known. he treats me like a queen and i honestly don't deserve him. i've known him for 9 years and yet i'm only realising now how much i could love him. i'm such an idiot. i'll make another post about him soon.

i joined my school's danceworks team. our final performance is on june 3rd, so thats great. if that wasn't enough to tire me out i also joined my school's track and field team. i'm only really interested in doing javelin or shotput, so at least my legs won't be entirely worn out.

EUPHORIA SEASON 2 HERE ARE MY THOUGHTS 1)okay so jules and rue got together kinda which was great, but jesus jules is so problematic this season. like she cheated on rue, again, with the guy that she accused rue of having a crush on. AND after she claimed to no longer be interested in men. like bestie what are you on you were my favourite in season one now ur just letting everyone down 2) elliot is kinda a useless character, i get he was put in to represent someone who enables bad behaviour (in this case rue's addiction) but istg it just seems like he was there for the sole purpose of giving rue and jules problems in their relationship. i will say, however, i didn't mind his song. a lot of people were hating but those people just wanted to see maddy beat the shit out of cassie 3) cassie WHAT THE fUCk okay like it's not just that she hooked up with her best friends ex, she hooked up with her best friend's abuser. she knew the kind of hell nate put maddy through and yet she still pursued. i think she'll get a redemption bc what her character represents is so important, but god it was so satisfying watching maddy beat her tf up. she deserved it. 4) lexi is like the best character this season. her play, while questionable at times, shows how rue's addiction impacted everyone in her life, not just herself and her family. the parts she included about cassie were fucked up, but like fez said, some people need to get their feelings hurt. lexi was even hesitant about showing the school in the first place. honestly i loved lexi this season, she got the recognition she deserved and i hope that her and rue can work things out again. same for her and fez, i love them. 5) FEZCO>>> okay so his backstory was a perfect start to the series again. he deserved a backstory episode more than anyone and i absolutely loved it. it started with that hallway and ended in that hallway, iykyk 6) kat. deserved. MORE. i dont know what happened between her and sam levinson but her story arc deserved more. she introduced toxic positivity within social media but that was about it. they wasted her completely and i'm angry 7) no one can say that euphoria glamorizes drug use after episode 5. its so raw and emotionally complex, it brought me to tears and zendaya deserves that emmy more than anyone. i can't even begin to describe its layers without going on for hours. 8) bye mckay, you were raped purely for shock value. sorry man. 9) this season was like, really messy. it wasn't that bad, but it had the unfair task of living up to season 1- a masterpiece. i just hope season 3 is worth the wait.

i took a break from tumblr because i just didn;t have the time to formulate my thoughts into it. but, i love this. it's my diary and i want to check in more often. bye for now <3

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i-like-yoongi-a-latte · 2 years

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As the year is ending, I decided to do this thing again: people who made my year better 💕

If I didn't mention you, I still love you and wish that the new year treats you well ✨ Happy New Year lovelies! 💜

Just a little warning, I got a bit emotional while writing these so they might be a bit weird. These aren't in any order, I love you all 💕

@reedskz I am so so so glad we started talking and I'm also sorry for not being the best at messaging but know that I adore you and wish that next year brings you many Felix pcs because you deserve it 💝 annnnd your gifs are amazing like you 💖 it makes me a bit emotional to think that you're my first stay friend, ily 🥺

@yjbg Ellu my beloved, I can't even begin to describe how happy I am that I sent you some memes to start a conversation (because I can't be normal <3) and overall I'm just so glad you exist!!! I love to have someone who I can spam tag in things! 💝 Like what are the odds that you like 1D (even just a little bit), hockey AND kpop, like me? And that we have the same nickname? Also I'm proud of you and you'll do great in your studies, I will be your personal cheerleader, I love you!! *insert Jin sending flying kisses here* p.s. you're pretty 💘

@diazactually okay, where to start... If you're a friend of my friend, you're automatically my friend, and even if we haven't talked that much, just know that you're amazing and I laugh at your jokes a bit too much 💕 I also think it's kinda funny how similar interests we have, but it's also very nice to be able to compare favorite characters etc because it can tell about the person somehow (when will I send you messages about analyzing some characters or scenes who knows) thank you for making my dash filled with buddie and 9-1-1, you're amazing❣️ + you can psychoanalyze me and my ask game replies anytime I promise

@firefighter-diaz my dear Elisa, we haven't seen in ages (it sucks) but I love to hear about the 9-1-1 episodes in dms and yell with you 💓 I'm telling you all, if I ask one (1) question I get 5 gifsets and 8 messages explaining what happened or what lead to it. You made me listen to Taylor's new albums because I saw you enjoying them, also you're an amazing gifmaker and you're so warm like you radiate warmth and comfort! ☀ I am amazed by your skills and I'm proud of you, and everything you do

@sepastian-ahoey Iina, the Sepe to my Teukka, why haven't we seen (it's because of me I'm just at home and never moving) anyways you're always there for me and I will be there for you. You may know this (or not) but I was super worried about your workload this past year because you seemed to have so much stuff going on, I may not have said it but I'm amazed at how you managed to survive. And I'm super proud of you!! I adore you! 💖

@juhollamago ah Tiia my almost-alarm-clock-for-wjc (before they canceled the whole thing) because I couldn't remember when team Finland played and I missed a game doing all kinds of nonsense instead. Is it time for me to yell now? Because I AM SO PROUD OF YOU. My friend is a hockey journalist everyone!!!! You're so awesome and funny and I admire you because you seem like the type who isn't afraid to say what you think or want. Let's pretend this heart is a burnt gingerbread, made with love for you 🖤

@ahoontheshelf Kinga, my sweet dear friend 💕 you're like a warm hug, you brighten up my days a lot with sweet messages!! Like if I treat tumblr as my diary and you send me a message I get so happy... You fill my dash with all kinds of aesthetic posts and your edits are cool and you're very cool and pretty. I wish all the best for you, always❣️

@fangirlinglikealoon & @heiskasmiro my dear gc friends who are very pretty and make my days better when being crazy in the gc, I couldn't separate you because you both are inspiring and amazing and funny and I love your pets too 💝 one of the best choices in my life was to press like on the post that was about making a gc, I will never stop saying it, ily 💘 I love it how we can talk about some random things like how meme is Mikko and then suddenly things take a wild turn and we have deep conversations about things. Just know that I adore you 💕

@punkrockmutiny I think you're one of the sweetest people ever, and when you asked for a Christmas card from me I was jumping around in happiness (I hope the card didn't get lost...) because it was the first time I sent a card abroad and it made me feel so special lolol anyways I adore you and you're so pretty and cool which makes you pretty cool 💜

@suklaakuppikakku my dear amazing friend we haven't seen in ages but you know I'm sending you the biggest hug and squeezing you tightly 💕 I'm really hoping that we'll be able to go see games in summer without being anxious about getting sick!! I don't say this enough but I really admire you ❣️ I wish next year will be gentle for you

@joel-farabee we don't really talk but I'm so happy to be mutuals with you and I smile so much when I see you in my notes!! And when you said that I made your day once by sending you flower emojis I almost cried at it because it was so sweet of you 🌸

@hibernating-heart I have to mention how happy I got to see that a fellow Finn likes hockey/canes and kpop and I was like omg a friend!! And you're a great content creator! That said, I like the Finnish sayings and Canes posts the most 🤭 You seem cool I wish I knew how to talk to people because I'd like to get to know you 🥺

Mentioning some people I have been mutuals with for some time and saying thank you for tolerating my changing obsessions, you make my dash full of fun content and make me smile when your urls are in my notes, you deserve all the good things 💕

@caixxa 💗

@tonyhawkpr0skater2 💞

@coffeeandgunpowder 💝

@finnishhockeyelf ❤️

@prettyboyroope 💖

@nikolajehlers 💚

@lily-blue-blue-lily 💛

@c-hartwriteshockey 🧡

@thewestishharpooners 💓

@bortuzzzzin 💙

@thehockeytrashkingdom 💞

@pyotranatolevichkochetkov ❣️

@matthewlillard 💘

@fairylightslt 💕

#i might have forgotten people and i'm very sorry bc my brain is like it is #just know i adore every single one of you #mentioned here or not #this is basically love letters to my friends #also i jump from thing a to thing b very randomly #these people made my 2021 #this year had its ups and downs but luckily i have you guys here 💕#elena rambles #💓#oh i like heart emojis you know #friends #i'm gonna use some tags i have for them #ellu🍒#i need a tag for arah #i need a tag for elisa #the sepe to my teukka #gc 💕#virve🌸

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firelxdykatara · 3 years

Note

not gonna lie I would love to hear more about the drama and infighting that went on in The Vampire Diaries fandom if you have the time (and also want to use that time to give your experience with the fandom, which from the snippets you've told sounds Not Fun so I get it if you don't want to lol)

oh god, there was like, SO MUCH, i just

i really feel like tvd is one of those fandoms that is so hard to describe without a lot of ‘you’d have to have been there’, but it really felt like this huge and all-consuming beast for about five years until the show finally imploded and the fandom basically turned on it en masse. (you ever see that post going around that’s like ‘if you ever want to know what true regret feels like, ask someone who once called tvd their favorite show’? still a mood, all these years later. basically the entire fandom thought the show should have just bowed out with whatever shreds of dignity it had left at the end of season 6, and became more of a hatedom than a fandom for the last two seasons. when you have an entire fandom cheering news of your show’s cancellation, i think that’s a sign you done fucked up, julie.)

first and most infamous, of course, are the ship wars. which are pretty much inevitable in any teen-centered drama, and i really think the CW fucking thrives on them, but it was particularly egregious in TVD’s case because not only was the base premise of the show a love triangle, but the two main romantic leads were brothers that the show constantly pit against one another--in pursuit of elena’s affections, but also because it kept up this insistence on the ‘good brother/bad brother’ dichotomy which stopped making sense after about season 2 (by which time we have found out that the good brother was never as good as he appeared, and the bad brother has been growing and isn’t nearly as bad as he pretends to be)--and the question of which brother ‘deserved’ elena (and no, what elena wanted very rarely factored into these discussions, especially in the team stefan camp because they turned on her when what she wanted was no longer The Good Brother, but i’ll get to that in a bit) was hotly contested.

i’m not kidding when i say the shipping wars were vicious. i started watching tvd shortly after it began to air, which was late 2009, and kept up with it fairly sporadically over the years. i didn’t come onto tumblr until 2011/2012, and by then, the fandom was already pretty much a garbagefire. there were anti ship and anti character blogs, any time something bad happened for one ship the rival ship would invade the tags to gloat about it (seasons 3 and 4 were especially rough, and i’m not gonna pretend delena fans weren’t just as bad about tag invasion and shit, but as that was my side of the road i saw a lot more of the stelena shippers being assholes, which soured my opinion on the ship a long time before i started rewatching and realized the red flags were there from the start), confessions blogs were popular also toxic as fuck (so much fighting happened in the notes of those posts, good gods), and this was right around when twitter’s popularity was on the rise and the line between Celebrity and Fan was thinning, so the fandom was absolutely atrocious to much of the tvd cast and crew.

(some of them deserved a lot of the later backlash, but in the early years a lot of it was ‘how dare you write the story in a way i dont like, you terrible fucking person’, and gods don’t get me started on the dobsley vs nian Thing)

i think what really encapsulates my feelings on the tvd fandom as a whole, though, is the way they (to this DAY) treated elena gilbert, which can be summed up in one meme that gained a lot of traction around season 3 if i remember right: that gif of pam from true blood, with the text altered to read “i’m so OVER elena and her precious doppelganger vagina!”

i swear at one time i had over half the active tvd fan accounts on tumblr blocked, because i got to a point where i would no longer tolerate elena hate, and she was (and still is, in what remains of the fandom; you’ll see a lot of ‘elena was one of the worst things about the show’ takes from ex-fans, too) one of the most widely despised characters in the entire fandom. because she -checks smudged writing on hand- was a traumatized teenage girl who -reads off a crumpled notecard- couldn’t always perfectly sort out her own feelings and -squints at the ceiling- sometimes made mistakes or bad decisions. (except a lot of the fandom also insisted that she was a mary sue who had no character traits or flaws or faults and it was like....make up your fucking minds???? is she a calculating conniving bitch whose somehow manipulating these centuries old vampires to tie them around her little finger or is she a boring flat character with no depth and no flaws??? jfc)

there was this massive double standard, too--like, stefan and damon could fuck whoever they wanted and that was fine, but elena was constantly raked over the coals for the crime of developing romantic feelings for the two men who had become constants in her life and whom she cared for deeply, and oh my GOD the slut shaming that happened when elena slept with damon was fucking wild. (and also happened in canon lmfao. like the show had one of elena’s best friends basically call her diseased on screen for falling in love with someone other than stefan. it was gross and ridiculous and the friend in question was also being a giant hypocrite at the time since she was happily flirting with someone who was directly responsible for the deaths of like four of elena’s loved ones and her own boyfriend’s mother but that’s beside the point) but like elena was called a slut and a bitch and a whore for ‘cheating’ on stefan (she hadn’t, and she had in fact broken up with him on screen the episode earlier) and ‘immediately’ jumping into bed with damon, even though none of them said fucking boo when stefan had one night stands or damon had fuckbuddies or whatever.

shit, caroline didn’t get any of this treatment when she started falling for tyler while dating matt! which isn’t to say i think she should have, just that i think it’s fucking ridiculous that elena was absolutely demonized by the fandom for daring to have feelings for two guys at once and eventually acting on them--despite the fact that the entire premise of the show was a love triangle. it’s not a love triangle if both sides don’t eventually get explored, and the crew had been pretty explicit about the fact that delena was going to happen at some point--but when it did, a huge chunk of the fandom absolutely threw a fit.

and a lot of these elena haters were alleged stelena stans, and i say alleged because they hated her so much for not wanting stefan’s dick anymore that it was clear they were really stefan stans and only wanted stelena to be endgame because they wanted stefan to ‘win’ at the end of the day, because ‘he’s the good brother’ so he deserved elena more.

it was all very gross and very misogynistic and very sex shaming (apparently delena was a ‘shallow’ and ‘superficial’ relationship because they had sex after two years of unrequited feelings slowly becoming requited and then pining for ages on both sides, and because they had a lot of on screen chemistry that the show capitalized on for years so of course they did a lot of making out and shit but it’s not like stelena didn’t have its fair share of making out and sex scenes, stefan was just too much of a coward to let elena top i’d apologize for that joke but i’m really not sorry because it’s true), and when i say it was egged on by the crew, that’s because they refused to let the love triangle die back in season 4 when it should have.

they insisted on stringing stelena fans along, dropping little bread crumbs to keep them invested, like dreams of a future where they were married and revealing that stefan was also a doppelganger and he and elena were descended from a pair of star-crossed lovers (a plot that ultimately went nowhere, to no one’s great surprise), and then fucking like. julie plec turned around and threw nina under the bus after she chose not to extend her contract and pretended that stelena might have happened again if she hadn’t left the show, which....i mean frankly i wouldn’t put it past her, but it would have been shitty writing. then again, she thought having a vampire pregnancy where a uterus was magically transplanted from a witch into a vampire that could somehow......carry the babies to term.... made sense and was a good way to accomodate candice’s RL pregnancy rather than like literally ANYTHING else, soooooo. but anyway julie saying that around like, end of s6 sparked off a new wave of nina hate and elena hate and ship wars bc they SEers took it as ‘confirmation’ that stelena was REALLY meant to be endgame and it was all just a hot fucking mess

another thing is that, while tvd was in its prime before the anti/purity culture shit started picking up any real steam, there was still this pervasive attitude throughout the fandom that if you liked Damon, you were A Bad Person. liking damon was apparently grounds for insults and harassment, and apparently he was The Worst Person on the Show even though literally nothing he does on screen is any worse than shit we know stefan has done (and frankly every other vampire too, but i mention stefan specifically because he was always held up--in the show but especially in the fandom--as the Good Brother while damon was the Bad One, and if you liked damon more then that had to mean your morals were dodgy and you clearly couldn’t appreciate what a heroic and saintly figure dear stefan was and....oops, i’m sorry, my salt keeps leaking -cough-).

meanwhile klaus quickly became a fandom darling despite not even really having much of a redemption arc (on tvd anyway, he just became more ‘affably evil’ as the show went on and more inclined to work with the main characters rather than try to kill them; i have no idea what went on over on his show, though), and like i can 100% appreciate liking villains and not caring that they do dodgy villainous shit, even just liking them bc they’re hot and wanting them to kiss a main character bc they have insanely good chemistry (yes i ship klaroline, no i won’t apologize for it, they could have been Really Great), it’s just really the double standard that gets me.

and all of this, incidentally, required ignoring some truly gross shit stefan was responsible for wrt his relationship with elena, that frankly it has always bothered me never really got addressed in the show. i get why elena herself would never be able to actually call him on it, but the fact is that he stalked her for months after he first saw her and thought she was katherine (meanwhile it only took damon .5 seconds to realize she was someone else entirely, but that’s another topic entirely), and then he deliberately inserted himself into her life because, in his words, ‘i have to know her’. he never gave a thought to how his presence in her life might affect her (or rather, he did, and tormented himself about it in his internal monologue, but never let this actually dissuade him from disrupting her life), and elena would wind up blaming herself for every tragedy that befell her friends and loved ones as a result of getting mixed up in vampire bullshit even though none of it was her fault--she literally blamed herself for existing but most of the fandom didn’t give a fuck about that lmfao--and stefan did shit like find out that she was adopted and then withhold this information from her until she got pissed about another secret he was keeping (her resemblence to katherine) and drop it on her to try and distract her from her very reasonable anger, and like... i should stop before this becomes a whole rant about how much i hate stefan fucking salvatore, but the point is, he did a lot of really sketchy shit he never answered for and elena never really took him to task for, and the fandom just kept eating up his insistence that he was the Good Brother and therefore he deserved to have elena, and if she didn’t want him anymore it was because she was a heinous bitch who didn’t deserve him.

uh.....i think i got off track there. and there’s probably a lot of shit i missed, like i think i was incandescent with rage for most of seasons 5 and 6 so i missed a lot of the interfandom shit cause i was too busy being increasingly pissed off at the show itself, but if nothing else this should give you an idea of how much of a goddamn cesspit the fandom was while the show as in its prime. there’s a reason both the show and the fandom have such a lousy reputation lmfao.

#the vampire diaries #tvd #tvd fandom salt #anti stefan #anti stelena #salt for ts #asked #Anonymous

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yan-twst · 4 years

Text

♡masterlist II♡

-> apparently there is a 100 link limit on tumblr posts, and i hit that on my past masterlist! so this will be the second page for it to continue ^^ masterlist I can be found here: [x]

✧individual characters✧

ruggie with a darling who grew up in poverty

ruggie cuddling with his darling

floyd + RSA basketball team darling

floyd + cuddling after a bad day

leona having dinner with his family when cheka brings up his darling

cheka asking leona why he hasn’t married his darling

leona with a darling who likes meat as much as he does

malleus with a darling who owns a tamagotchi

malleus with a part-dragon darling

malleus celebrating his darling’s birthday

sebek with an affectionate darling

sebek + breakfast in bed

azul taking his darling to a school reunion

ace and his darling’s first date

epel with a supportive darling

ortho hyping idia to propose to his darling

lilia general relationship headcanons

deuce accidentally slipping into delinquent mode in front of his darling

floyd with a darling who cooks

lilia with a busty darling

✧various characters✧

beast tamer darling (lilia, floyd)

characters with a darling who treats their wounds (jade, floyd, jack, ruggie)

characters with a darling who clings to them when scared (floyd, jade, malleus, lilia)

characters with a darling who's scared of bugs (leona, malleus, floyd, jade)

characters with a darling who falls off their broom (floyd, jade, malleus, jamil, lilia)

characters with a little sibling who attends nrc with them (malleus, leona, azul, jade, floyd)

characters with a darling who’s decided to stay in twisted wonderland (malleus, ace, floyd)

characters with a darling who shrunk due to magic (malleus, riddle, floyd)

characters with a darling who uses a wheelchair (jamil, jade, trey, deuce, jack, idia)

going to the waterpark! (ace, deuce, grim)

characters when their darling proposes to them (jade, floyd, jamil, lilia)

playing mousetrap (cheka, ortho)

characters when their darling is late to their date (jade, floyd, jamil, vil, riddle)

characters with a fae darling whose wings were cut off in the past (sebek, malleus, azul)

characters with a darling who doesn’t talk because they dislike their voice (jamil, kalim, jade, floyd, malleus)

characters with a darling with terrible luck (vil, riddle, malleus, azul, jamil)

characters with a darling who teases them for being serious (deuce, riddle, malleus)

characters taking care of their sick darling (ace, trey, leona, lilia)

characters when grim turns into a human and hangs around their crush (azul, jade, floyd, ace, deuce)

short characters waking up one foot taller than they used to be (riddle, epel, lilia)

characters when rook follows their younger sibling around (leona, malleus, azul, jade, floyd)

✧dorm leaders✧

dorm leaders with a touch starved darling

dorm leaders + a laid back darling who likes to prank others

dorm leaders + their darling having an anime waifu / husbando

dorm leaders + their darling stressing over their future in twisted wonderland

dorm leaders + finding out their crush is a lesbian

dorm leaders + a darling who has to return home because they’re the family’s breadwinner

dorm leaders + an usually cold and inexpressive darling smiling at them

dorm leaders + fragile and soft reader (platonic headcanons)

✧first years✧

first years + their darling using their clothes

first years + their darling sending them anonymous gifts

first years + receiving friendship bracelets

first years + a crush who can change their appearance at will

first years + sleepover at ramshackle

first years + lesbian MC

first years + their darling dealing with a human grim

✧dorms✧

heatslabyul + insecure darling

heartslabyul + a vampire darling who needs blood

heartslabyul + a darling who eats the “eat me” cake or drinks the “drink me” potion

scarabia & diasomnia + darling who covers their eyes because they change colours with their feelings

heartslabyul + temperature soulmate AU

diasomnia + a darling who uses pet names

octavinelle + bartender darling

octavinelle + a darling who can sing to heal

scarabia & pomefiore + a darling who is immune to poison

octavinelle + sushi chef darling

savanaclaw + a darling who likes to pet their tails to relieve anxiety

✦yandere individual characters✦

yan!malleus with a selkie darling who willingly gives him their pelt

yan!malleus (and non-yan malleus) with a winged fae darling

yan!malleus who turns into a small animal and his darling has to care for him

yan!leona with a darling who acts caring for cheka

yan!epel headcanons

yan!kalim with a darling who puts up with being locked up

yan!trey general headcanons

yan!cater yandere alphabet A, E, J, K, N, T, U

yan!kalim with a gold digger darling

yan!idia marriage scenario

yan!azul with a darling who was bullied

yan!leona with a darling who doesn’t care he’s possessive

yan!leona with a tiger beastman darling

yan!lilia with a reincarnating darling

yan!malleus with a darling with a bad home life

yan!trey getting jealous of his darling paying attention to idia

yan!azul (and also regular azul) being pampered by his darling

yan!jamil with a darling who faints due to iron deficiency

yan!vampire vil scenario

yan!rook general headcanons

yan!azul with a darling who refuses to give him attention

malleus + yan alphabet (a, e, k, l, v, y)

✦yandere prompt stories✦

yan!azul with yandere prompt 3: “in the end... you’re only good for being with me. you’re useless at anything else, aren’t you?”

yan!kalim with yandere prompt 4: “i’m sorry for stealing your personal belongings... now that you’re here forever, i can return them!

yan!leona with yandere prompt 5: “you have no idea... the things i’ve done while thinking of you, darling...”

yan!azul with yandere prompt 7: “it’s cute how you think you have a choice!”

yan!azul with yandere prompt 9: “if you think of leaving, i’ll make death seem like a blessing to you.”

yan!rook with yandere prompt 10: “aah, forgive me for what i must do... i just can’t live on without you...!”

yan!jamil with yandere prompt 11: “feeling dizzy? well, it’s too late to realize: you already ingested what i slipped in your drink.”

yan!lilia with yandere prompt 12: “sure, i’ll let you run away. but if i catch you... then it’s fair game for me to do what i want.”]

yan!malleus with yandere prompt prompt 18: “i tried my best to be a normal lover… but it simply won’t work. you understand, right?”

yan!kalim with yandere prompt 19: “the outside is so dangerous, don’t you see? if i wasn’t here to protect you, who knows what would happen to you...”

yan!malleus with yandere prompt 22: “you’re so sweet... i’m addicted to your presence.”

yan!trey with yandere prompt 23: “i don’t care if it’s the drugs making you speak; say you love me, again.”

yan!riddle with yandere prompt 24: “don’t look at me like that... you know i do everything i do because i love you.”

yan!leona with yandere prompt 25:“those bruises... did i do that...?”

yan!jamil with yandere prompt 28: “don’t you get it? i’m in charge here- you’re basically a glorified servant.”

yan!sebek with yandere prompt 31:“i ordered you to stay quiet. stop crying.”

yan!malleus with yandere prompt 33: “i didn’t mean to- no, god, i love you so much…! how could i have done this?”

yan!azul with yandere prompt 34: “that’s right, just accept me... you’ll be so happy with me...”

yan!malleus with yandere prompt 35: “i wish i could love you the normal way.”

yan!lilia with yandere prompt 36: "your fear is so delicious to me"

yan!malleus with yandere prompt 37: "you look beautiful when you sleep... i'd know- i watched you, after all"

yan!riddle with yandere prompt 39: "don't you dare think of anyone other than me"

yan!vil with yandere prompt 40: "i wish i didn't need to make you drink love potions for you to act caring, darling"

yan!sebek with yandere prompt 42: "this is your last warning. either you're obedient, or i'll make you obedient"

yan!silver with yandere prompt 43: "all i ever asked was for you to love me back... are you so selfish you won't even give me that?"

yan!azul with yandere prompt 47: "did you think you could escape me...? don't you know we're meant for each other? you're destined to return to me"

yan!epel with yandere prompt 48: "i never claimed to be a good person. if you didn't want this to happen, you shouldn't have made me fall in love with you"

yan!jamil with yandere prompt 66: “i like having power over you, don’t you get it? there’s no way to get out of this.”

yan!rook with yandere prompt 112: “i’ve been watching you for a while. i know your routine, your habits; i fell in love with how you act when you think nobody is looking.”

yan!ace with yandere prompt 117: “ah, it’s ok to be angry at me… kick me, yell at me…! i don’t care what you do, just being near you is heaven!”

yan!deuce with yandere prompt 118: “i’d do anything for you. and i mean it; the law means nothing if it’s something you ask of me.”

yan!jade with yandere prompt 119: “ah… you punched me- that’s ok, too. i hope it bruises; i want a mark to remind me your lovely hands were on my skin.”

✦yandere various characters✦

yan!characters reading their darling's diary and finding their secret (riddle, azul, leona, jamil, malleus)

yan!characters with a darling who has difficulty sleeping (leona, azul, floyd, jade)

yan!characters when someone is getting too close to their darling (leona, jamil, vil)

yan!characters when a secret admirer sends their darling a gift (riddle, ruggie, azul, kalim, epel, malleus)

yan!characters when their darling jokes they love someone else (leona, azul, idia, malleus, jade, floyd)

yan!characters with a darling who collects venomous snakes (azul, malleus, vil)

yan!characters when their darling escapes back to their world (azul, floyd, rook)

yan!characters with a darling who likes to go to parties (malleus, leona, vil)

yan!characters with a winged darling (lilia, azul, malleus)

yan!characters with a darling who wants to love them back (ruggie, trey, kalim)

yan!malleus falling for lilia’s spouse / yan!lilia falling for malleus’ spouse

yan!characters bullying their darling to get their attention (ace, floyd)

✦yandere dorm leaders / vice dorm leaders✦

yan!dorm leaders when another yan!dorm leader’s darling comes to them for refuge

yan!dorm leaders with a darling who refuses to eat any food they didn’t cook

yan!dorm leaders celebrating their darling’s birthday post-capture

yan!dorm leaders when their darling begs for them to kill them

yan!dorm leaders when their darling asks them to kill someone

yan!dorm leaders celebrating their darling’s birthday

yan!dorm leaders with a darling who they can’t wake up with a true love’s kiss

yan!vice dorm leaders general relationship headcanons (includes nsfw for 18+ characters)

✦yandere first years✦

yan!first years seeing their darling have their first kiss with someone else

✦yandere dorms✦

yan!savanaclaw working together to catch a sneaky darling

yan!octavinelle with a darling who can overpower the tweels

yan!scarabia + yan!savanaclaw with a darling who has a nightmare of them leaving

yan!pomefiore + yan!savanaclaw with a stockholm syndrome darling

yan!scarabia + yan!octavinelle with a genie darling

pomefiore yan alphabet (a, c, n, o)

♡nsfw stuff♡

[NSFW] idia + darling in thigh-highs

[NSFW] yan!trey + male darling

[NSFW] cater + blushy darling

[NSFW] lilia + breeding kink

#masterlist

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mymelodyheart · 3 years

Text

All I Want For Christmas Is You Chapter 6 ~Christmas Treats~

Picture Source

Previously in Rollover Rollo ...

"That's my dog!"

She let out a throaty laugh. "Oh, that's fine then! I'll keep him with me until I'm done with my bath. And then I'll bring him over to you."

"Why didn't ye tell me it's a dog ye're with?"

"Did I not? I'm sorry I was distracted feeding him croissant with butter. I hope that's alright with you."

"I thought you were having breakfast with another man in yer bathrobe!" His voice held a slightly accusatory tone.

"Well, you thought wrong. So, you're alright with Rollo having croissant with butter? He seems to love it."

He counted backwards, starting from ten, and when he was done, he almost laughed out loud. Knowing Claire didn't mind having his dog around her, made him like her even more. "Aye, that's alright, Sassenach. A wee treat once in a while, never did him harm. Speaking of treats, I could use one too actually."

"What did you have in mind?"

"I'm coming over to tell ye." And then he hung up before she could respond and made a dash out of the door.

If you wish to read this on AO3, here is the link.

If you wish to read this from the beginning:

AO3 link

Tumblr link

Ah, son of a monkey! He's coming! Claire stepped away from the window and yanked the curtain back, her eyes darting here, there and everywhere in the living area of her B&B cottage.

Her gaze landed on Rollo. "Well, come on then. What are you waiting for? Daddy's coming to get you." She clapped both hands on her thighs. "There's a good boy. Come on ...come here."

Rollo didn't budge. Instead, he let out a doggy whimper and lowered himself onto the rug, laying his head on his paws. He was looking at her as if to say, "No-uh. I'm staying."

Oh for the love of God! She didn't have time for this. Unsure what to do next, she walked back and forth on the same spot. The plan had been to slip Rollo through the door when Jamie came, so he didn't have to see her morning look. She probably still looked puffy from all the alcohol she drank last night and her skin blotchy as a result of over-indulgence.

Digging deep into the pocket of her bathrobe, she pulled out a band and quickly tied her hair back. Without a mirror in sight, she knew already her untamed wisps of curls sprang in all directions. Fudge, fudge, fudge. Maybe she could quickly run to the bathroom and do something about her unruly locks.

There was a knock on the door. Claire stilled and groaned in exasperation. Too late!

She glared at Rollo. "You think this is funny? Your daddy is going to run to the nearest hill when he sees me like this." But Rollo remained where he was and looked away. "Fine! Stay where you are, you ungrateful mutt! No more croissants for you. Ever. Do you hear me?"

Another knock ensued. "Sassenach?"

"I'm coming!"

"I can hear ye talking to Rollo."

"Give me a sec!" She smoothed back her hair and pulled the ties of her bathrobe tighter. Squaring her shoulders, she took a deep breath, rolled her lips to plump them and opened the door.

"Hi!" Jamie greeted as soon as he saw her. With his hands shoved in the pocket of his sweatshirt, he was shifting on his feet to keep warm. His cheeks were ruddy from the cold, hair tousled by the wind, and a shadow of a day-old beard hugged his jaw. "G' morning!"

Her own greeting was stuck in her throat, as her heart leapt at the wide grin on his face.

He arched an eyebrow. "Are ye letting me in? It's bloody freezing out here, and ye're letting the cold into the house."

"Oops, sorry." She blew out a breath and took a step back. As soon as he walked in, she quickly shut the door. Rollo glanced at his master but barely moved his head. Ah, just great! She tried to be casual as she wandered towards the kitchenette, grabbing the pastry paper wrappers, an empty mug and a used plate from the table. "If you're looking for croissants, you're out of luck. Rollo ate them all."

His mouth drew up at one side. "No, I'm fine. Dinnae want any."

"I thought you said you could use some treat."

"Aye."

She glanced over to him and noted he was looking at the clothes neatly stacked over the armchair, her white lace bra on top of the pile. She tamped down the urge to dive in and grab the garments. "I don't have anything else to offer besides coffee, tea and fruits," she said, waving a hand at the fruit bowl on the kitchen counter, attempting to distract and prevent him from looking further into the female clutter scattered everywhere. "Annalise and I eat out."

He looked at her and took a step forward. "Dinnae want fruit, and I've had my coffee already."

"Well if that's the case, I really need to go and take a bath." She didn't feel comfortable standing there and conversing with this beautiful man in her bathrobe when he looked so well put together and at ease. She now wished she had taken the time to put mascara on or straightened her hair when she went to the bakery earlier.

His gaze settled on the table, and he picked up one of the postcards she bought in Inverness. "Dinnae fash, we'll go soon," he assured her. "Are ye sending these to yer friends?" he asked, waving a postcard.

She smiled. "No. It's for me. I collect them for my scrapbook."

He looked at her. "Scrapbook?"

"It's kind of my diary stroke travelogue with pictures of places I've been to."

"That's verra nice," he said quietly, his eyes lighting up when he spied Men's Health glossy magazine with a front cover picture of Gerard Butler headlining Hot Scots on the Rock. He grinned at her. "Ye like Gerard Butler? Isnae he a bit too old for ye?"

Her face heated. "It's just something I randomly picked up at the kiosk. We were in a hurry to catch the train and Annalise, and I were just grabbing anything we could get our hands on."

"I thought the magazine stands were predominantly women's magazine. Didnae realised Men's Health would be among the women's publications."

She let out a high-pitched neurotic laugh. "Who would've thought."

"Aye, who would've."

Claire glanced around trying to summon something else to say. The cottage wasn't spacious, and he filled the room with his presence. The fact that he stood nearby when she had nothing on underneath the bathrobe caused a delicate shudder to coast down her back, but she managed just about to maintain a veneer of composure. She was already regretting teasing him earlier, thinking flirting with him on the phone while in the safety of her cottage would be harmless fun. Now that he was here, she was one bumbling mess, not to mention probably looking deranged with her unkempt looks. "Jamie ...can we continue this later? I really need to get ready and ..." she trailed off and shrugged, fidgetting with her bathrobe ties.

He placed the postcard back on the table, drew himself up to full height, and slowly closed the distance between them, his gaze never leaving hers.

Her mouth opened, then closed on a nervous squeak, her eyes widening at his obvious intention. She cleared her throat. "It's just that Annalise would be here soon and I want to make sure I'm ready when she comes back. Tomorrow is Christmas eve, and I think she probably wants to do some last-minute Christmas shopping," she rambled, taking a few steps back until her back hit the fridge.

"This won't take long," he said softly. He moved slow and deliberate, reaching out to smoothly tuck a loose strand behind her ear, his deep voice wrapping her in a cosy blanket of security.

Like her legs, her tongue twisted in her mouth. "W-what won't take long?" she asked, even though she knew the answer already.

A flicker of heat lit his eyes. "I would like to kiss you. Again."

She gulped, her heart starting to gallop at a faster rate. "H-how about I take your word for it, and we resume this when I'm more presentable? Like after I've taken my bath?"

"I dinnae think I can wait any longer. May I? Please?"

"I look like a right mess," she croaked.

His lips quirked, and he stroke her cheek with gentle motions. "No. Not at all. Ye look beautiful just as ye are now, Sassenach. I can't get ye out of my head. I keep thinking about that kiss last night. Have ye thought about it?"

"Yes." Her admission was barely a whisper.

He gently laid both hands on her arms, his eyes caressing her face. "And?"

"I just want you to know I don't do meaningless affairs," she blurted.

"Neither do I nor do I plan to."

"Jamie! I'm serious!"

"Good. So am I. Look, I dinnae care if there's supposed to be a particular order of doing things. All I ken is I like ye and ye like me, and I'm just going with my feelings and winging it. Right now, I would like verra much to kiss ye. If ye'll say no, I promise I will no' be offended, but I'm hoping with my unwavering persistence, that I will get that kiss one day. So, I'll ask again, may I kiss ye, Sassenach?"

She let out a tiny moan and tried to delay the inevitable, racking her brain for any valid reasons why she shouldn't take the plunge. When she couldn't muster any from her addled brain, she could only nod and lick her lips.

His gorgeous blue eyes darkened, and a small smile played on his mouth. "Thank ye."

"Oh dear," she breathed as she placed her hands on his muscular chest.

He lowered his head, stopping inches from hers. "Oh, aye."

And then it happened.

His lips descended upon hers, and logic and everything else fizzled away into obscurity.

Opening for him without further hesitation, his tongue swept inside, drinking her in like a deprived, parched soul coming out of a desert. He nibbled her bottom lip, before soothing it with his tongue and delving back in deep to sup some more. He tasted of coffee, fudge and a hint of mint, and his soft, warm lips contradicted the hard planes beneath her hands. If the kiss last night had been sweet and made her think of fluffy clouds, falling leaves and angel wings, this kiss penetrated her soul and ripped her to the bare bones of staggering need, leaving her breathless and craving for something she was afraid to voice out. Although technically a virgin, she'd had her share of kisses, but never before had she been completely overwhelmed by a fierce need to take it further.

Claire gripped the material of his shirt as she shifted to get closer, extracting a deep groan to escape his lips. He pulled away and smiled, but not before he muttered a vicious curse.

He touched his forehead against hers, the intimacy and tenderness of the gesture surprising her, making her breath hitch. "Dinner tonight at my place?" he whispered.

She managed to find her voice, but the words came out a bit slurred as she stared at his lips. "I'd like that. What shall I bring?" she asked. She could feel the erratic beating of his heart, his laboured breathing fanning her face.

"Bring something comfy to wear. Do ye like old movies?"

She nodded, smiling. Where has this man been hiding all her life? She imagined she'd like anything as long as they could do what they just did again. "What time shall I come?"

"Come as soon as possible."

"I'll be there."

He cupped her chin. "I cannae wait."

He gave her one last kiss before slowly easing away with a triumphant grin. The creasing at the corners of his eyes made her smile despite herself. He called Rollo to his side with a low whistle, and she watched as man and dog walked out of the living room with spring in their steps. And then just like that, they were gone. She hoped Annalise would come soon as she wanted to do some last-minute Christmas shopping of her own for her two new favourites in her life.

..........

Claire watched Annalise order their coffees from the counter. The village's only café was a popular place for afternoon tea, snacks and meeting up with friends. The radio hummed Christmas songs from the speakers, and scents of fresh scones and baked goods wafted in the air. The mismatched tables adorned with thistle flower arrangements cluttered the small space and gave it a homey and cosy feel. Decorated in purple and pale greens, the walls displayed colourfully painted arts on canvas made by local artists, making her vision blear a bit from the bright and unusual collection of hues. A group of four walked in, settled on the nearby table and greeted her with a smile like she was one of the locals. One thing she surmised -there were no outsiders in Broch Mordha because everyone belonged. She'd lived in London for five years, and in all that time, she didn't even know her neighbours' names nor did any of them said hello. Whereas Broch Mordha, although curious and inquisitive, its people embraced her and Annalise and encouraged them to mingle and participate in local activities. And in such a short time, the village and its people were already growing on her.

Annalise placed a cup of Americano in front of her and shrugged out of her peacoat and scarf. "So that's our Christmas shopping done. If we'd been in London that would have taken us the whole day."

Claire made a face as she sipped her coffee. "That's why we're never in London during the holidays. To escape the carnage. Even shopping in Inverness was a breeze."

"So you're all sorted then?"

"Uh-huh. I'll wrap the scented candle gift set for Mrs Fitz, and you can write the card."

"Deal." Annalise slipped onto the chair and rubbed her hands together. "I'm glad we're staying put until Three Kings. Saves me thinking about packing when we just got here. I was planning on suggesting it to you, but you beat me to it."

Claire laughed. "I can't believe you're actually happy missing Hogmanay in Edinburgh. You've always like to be in the middle of frenetic partying -Edinburgh style. What's changed?"

"We've seen it for two years in a row. Broch Mordha will be a refreshing variation. Anyway, change of subject. You haven't said much about your evening out with Jamie yesterday. So, spill! Does the carpet match the drapes?"

Claire narrowed her gaze at her friend's apparent glee in teasing her. "Don't start Annalise. Just because you're my best mate doesn't mean I'll kiss and tell. And to answer your question, how would I know?"

Annalise clucked her tongue. "I saw you sneaked into a lingerie shop while I was trying on some shoes. I'm pretty sure you weren't browsing unmentionables for Mrs Fitz."

"Flannel jammies!"

"What?"

"I bought a couple of flannel pyjamas!" Claire grabbed one of her shopping bags and flashed the red flannel pyjama set, leaving out the red lacy undies that she also bought at the bottom. It wasn't like she was lying to her friend, but Annalise didn't need to know everything. Besides, her friend hadn't told her much about what went on in Lallybroch last night with Willie. "It's movie night tonight. Jamie invited me for dinner at his place. I don't want to lounge in my jeans after eating. I thought I'd be more comfortable wearing these."

"Blimey! That Jamie is one sneaky Scot! That's really a really good set up for a romantic evening. "

Claire smiled. "I know, right?

Annalise leaned forward and rested her elbows on the table. "Jamie's really into you, you do know that don't you? It was all over his face last night, and he couldn't wait to get you alone. And you know what else? I like him, and he's nothing like those pretentious pricks you date in London."

Claire laughed. "You only like Jamie for me because you're nuts about Willie."

Her friend shrugged, her mouth twitching at the corner. "There's an element of that, I suppose, but I have a good sense for these things. You know, I do."

Claire rolled her eyes. "Yes, you're right. You do have a sense for these things."

Annalise shook her head and grinned. "Wow, Claire ...dinner with a man at his place in your jammies? And what ... you've only known him less than twenty-four hours? I hope Jamie realises he's making history here."

"He's different. And I really like him."

"Have you kissed?"

Claire nodded.

"Groped?"

"No!"

Her friend laughed when Claire's face went beet-red.

"What if he's the one?" Claire asked after a few seconds of silent contemplation.

Annalise's eyes softened. "If he's the one, we'll worry about it later. Baby steps, mind?"

Claire burst out laughing. "Good grief, look at me. I've just met Jamie, and already I'm thinking about the future! How pathetic is that? I'm acting like a schoolgirl."

"Claire, look at me." Claire looked at Annalise. "The age-old question ...how long does it take to fall in love? A day? A week? A year? A lifetime? Here's my take. When the stars align, the universe will conspire to make love happen, and there will be no warning signs, and there's nought you can do about it. You will fall into love like you're being pushed from a highrise building. There'll be no time to think about what's happening. None at all. It's inevitable. It's something you will have no control of. It's a crazy, heart-stopping, roller-coaster ride that just has to take its course, whether you chose to ignore it or not, fight it or not. So, take my advise and don't brace yourself too much for what's coming because some sharp turns might be jarring; otherwise, all you'll get out of it is a sore neck and probably a migraine to boot. Just let go and enjoy the ride and who knows, there might be a surprise waiting for you just around the corner. After all, it's the most wonderful time of the year." And then Annalise winked.

..........

After they'd arrived at their bed and breakfast cottage, Claire had floated into her bedroom, knowing there was a goofy smile plastered to her face. She'd wrapped up presents for Jamie and Rollo, written cards for some locals she'd come to know, and took her time shaving her legs, and washing her hair. Annalise had done the same, also lost in her own thoughts and occasionally saying a remark here and there. But Claire had been too preoccupied to listen.

After Annalise had left for a night out of bowling and dinner with Willie, she'd put on her new pyjamas, a long coat so no one in the street would notice what she was wearing underneath when she walked to Jamie's cottage and a pair of Ugg boots. All the while, her stomach did a mad flip-flopped, and she continually found herself staring into space, almost tripping on the way to Jamie's house.

Obviously, she hadn't finished staring into space because when Jamie opened the door after she'd knocked, sending her hurtling back to the present, she was speechless. Rollo dashed out of the house and circled her happily, jumping on her.

Jamie grinned and opened the door wider. "Sassenach! Get in here! We have a guest."

"Oh!?" I thought we're alone.

She pulled the coat tighter and patted Rollo's head. She remembered Annalise's word not to brace herself too hard, took a deep breath, relaxed and stepped into Jamie's house.

What she saw next, took her by surprise.

Dear Readers,

Sorry to leave you hanging here. If I hadn't, you would have had to wait longer for the instalment. And I needed really to publish this so I could start wrapping presents. So far, so good, I'm up to date with writing this story, Christmas preparations and life in general. So fingers crossed, I remain on track. 😀

Will keep this short and sweet, as I have plenty of other things I need to do. I hope you've enjoyed this chapter and looking forward to your thoughts. Sending you best wishes and love and hope you're keeping healthy and safe. Take care for now. x

#melodyheart #all I want for christmas is you #claire beauchamp #jamie fraser #Claire Beauchamp/Jamie Fraser #outlanderfanfic

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cqcandchill · 3 years

Text

trauma talk below, lads

discovered that my indian status will cover 22 hours of therapy in a 12 month period sooo i. think i’m gonna try again bc i’m really at my limit with myself + being perpetually stuck in a loop of going forward/backing up. i’m tired of running away from my own success and being scared of being perceived and self-sabotaging every good fucking thing that happens bc it’s easier to reject people/myself first than wait for the other shoe to drop. i’m constantly avoiding serious things that ruin my reputation and set me backwards, then torturing myself with the anxiety of my own fucking avoidance. or ruining friendships bc i get triggered by something and then immediately run. i can’t do it anymore.

and i hate that it’s taken me this long to realize how very serious it all is. like i’m not just posting “lol childhood trauma” memes bc they vaguely resemble mild feelings - there is something Very Seriously Wrong with me and i can’t fix it by myself just by reading every psychology today article. and it’s like… wildly validating! to comprehend i’m not faking CPTSD, but i also think i’ve been in a state of grief for the last 8 years, and i’ve been deeply retraumatized by multiple fucked up events in my life, so. idk lol. i am coming to terms with a lot of the things i’ve been made to carry as an indigenous child of an indigenous single mom, and all the trauma i’ve had to witness as a young person in my family. this is all very difficult for me to admit and accept, as a person who learned to keep myself under lock and key in order to feel safe. i thought knowing the root of the problem would give me the means to fix it, bc i learned i was the only person i could rely on to fix my problems - but even digging so much in search of an independent answer/solution is a trauma response. this isn’t something that i can do by myself and it’s like… really really scary to approach, bc my default state is “people = untrustworthy = they will hurt you if given the chance” which is not a healthy coping mechanism, and certainly something that’s kept me from seeking help i really need through connections.

and i’ve just always known Intellectually™️ that i have trauma, that something is wrong, but i’ve never confronted it emotionally. there’s always been a detachment there for me. and i think today is the first time i’ve ever… had an emotional realization/acceptance about how serious my CPTSD symptoms are.

like wow this is really something i have to deal with huh! it’s really bad! and it’s not normal! and it’s not my fault! but i still have to live with and deal with it, and also endure the additional trauma of having my experiences and my identity invalidated because i’m not visibly indigenous.

i’m having a hard time. i smudged today while crying my fucking eyes out and i think this is the answer i was given to the prayer i made. so i have to do something with that bc i think if i go another year like this i really might actually kms. and also it would be kind of rude to pray to spirit and then reject what spirit gives me.

anyway sorry for treating this like a public diary i just have to get this out there and it’s easier to type it up on the void of tumblr dot com than speak to another human being in real time but uhh. one step at a time

#my trauma is literally like “i think i will cause problems on purpose”

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mmmmmmygodstopfuckinlying · 3 years

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Chapter angel number 777: backstories

HongKong78, Shitty Kowloon Walled City Slum.

Jonestown had just happened. National news story!!!!

Sanada had bought the paper just for his little nephew MHD. He had met him a few years back because his stepdad was in the heroin trade. Sanada loved seeing dollar signs and a possible new comrade, so they became good friends. He not only saw the opportunity to make a lot of money, but to form a new friendship. A mentor ship. Tumblr might flag this post, but let’s say he saw something else that made him want to grow closer to his new business partner.

“I can’t wait to show Ming Hua the paper I just got him! He is going to love this story!”

MHD was getting in a lot of trouble lately, being the local BadBoi. He was 8 but he was being a playboy with the girls and stealing cigarettes and porno at local stalls. He was listening to Iron Maiden in his catholic household! He NEEDED a mentor, BADLY!

He ran to MHD’s rundown, one bedroom home he shared with his parents and 5 siblings. “Extra extra read all about it!!!! You will not believe this!” He showed MHD the paper.

“Wow. That’s fucked up if true. Can I keep this for later” MHD hid the paper under his bed alongside his playboys and bootleg Van Halen tapes.

“Today we are going to have a Sanada Sunday Funday!”

Yay!!!!!! Forget those girlfriends!!! Time to go see Game of Death again!!!

1921-BeautifulCottage

“I HATE EARNEST!!!!!”

“AND I SAID NO PICKLE!!!”

RoyMustang was so dumb that he didn’t know how to change his iPhone password or turn off his location. Meaning anyone could look through his phone to see who he was texting and what about.

He retreated to his coffin nobody knew about and pretended to be dead. “If I had my way there would NEVER be pickle again…someday…”

Japan1985,At the Shiroi Hen again

Satoshi was stressed out because he had asked Keiichi to do his homework last night and apperantly he forgot because he was up all night playing Mario. He didn’t really care about his grades but he had literally given him money to do it and now he wasted his money.

His gurl Rena had come over w the newest fashion magazine so they cud look at it and cut the good ones out for their notebook thing they shared n laugh at the ugly ones. She stole sum weed from keiichis dad so it was sure to be a good time. But rite now he needed 2 vent just to himself.

“Dear diary” he wrote in his twin star’s diary. “mood? Apathetic. I paid Keiichi money to do my homework and he didn’t. I could have bought the new the cure album but nooooo. N e way I snuck into the irie clinic and stole a bunch of benzos n sum uppers. He can go fuk himself LOL…Tomorrow at school me n Rena will have sooo much fun we already talked about how we r going to go thru everyones bags and steal stuff for funzies. So r dumb teacher yelled at us for passing notes yesterday n pulled the read it in front of the class thing so keichi ate the note LOL!!!!! Tbh me n Rena are thinkin of putting sugar in her gas tank she needs 2 get a reality check. One day she is going 2 regret treating the towns 2 biggest stars like this. N e way g2g my dumb sister iz being soooo annoying I am rlly thinking of taking her to the forest n just leaving her ther. LOL ttfn”

Just then his phone rang. It was Shion. Rena gave him a oh my god biiitch what look “Oh my god what do u want.” He said, stabbing his desk with a pencil over and over.

“Do u want to come over later”

“Do u want to go kill urself”

“Omg ur so mean!!! Hahaha you’re bad. So anyway what do u wanna do later”

“Sorry im going to the mall later next town over. Well maybe u could meet up with me. Like 6 pm”

“Sounds like a plan!!!! C u later!!!” She hung up the phone.

“Omg are you really going to meet up with her” Rena asked

“Girl what do you think. Can u imagine the look on her face when she realizes”

Tomorrow waz going to be soooo fun at school.

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coolpolarbear123 · 4 years

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Band Camp Day 1

Yes, we’re having band camp in the midst of a global pandemic

Wednesday, August 12th, 2020

1 >>

I explained last year the origins of this, so if you’re curious, you can check that out:

Essentially: I use tumblr as an actual blog for a week. Or a diary. Whichever.

Now I know what you’re thinking: band camp? We’re literally at the height of coronavirus

You’re right, we are. It is way less of a problem where I go to university, but it’s still not the best idea, I know

We are all taking bets on how long this lasts and when the uni is gonna switch us back to fully online, and my bet is a little less than a month. My friends have all said 2-3 weeks.

The uni is also testing all of us, I got tested on the 8th because band kids needed to be tested at least two days prior (it takes two days to process)

Except that’s a lie because my results aren’t in and neither are anyone elses

Okay that’s an exaggeration, half of them are probably back

Anyway, onto how the band is handling this

Band camp was shortened by a couple days to allow for testing, so we started today instead of Sunday/Monday. Leadership started this morning, and the rest of us started at 12:30pm.

We were supposed to start yesterday, but covid results weren’t coming in fast enough, so we had to postpone another day

I definitely needed the extra practice time, though, I guess

Not that I used it properly, but spoiler alert: I’m third chair out of twelve

Okay but I guess I went to Biggbby before practice instead of practicing but a n y w a y

Got there, got in a circle, seeing our freshmen for the first time and old friends for the “first time”

Because we definitely Did Not all see each other several times in the days leading up to band camp

We all checked it, which was super quick

So in the past, the band gets into an entire block, and that’s called “block” and we sorta just figure it out by section, and then we use that same configuration for the rest of the year, but this year we got assigned seats, essentially

I was put in the back, moved to the front, then put so far back I’m only by one person??

Does that sound like a block to you??

And then we did auditions

Outside

We walked so far away from the practice field, we may as well have been in a different timezone

All of band camp is outside this year. Playing rehearsals, meetings, everything.

Social distancing, of course

“Social distancing”

Masks on whenever we aren’t playing

That, we actually are managing to do

And yeah, I’ll keep you updated on how much of a dumpster fire this becomes

In the meantime, my friends and I are all in two apartments, living together, so if one of us gets it, the entire section goes down, and speaking of the section, we have 4 freshmen!

We were supposed to have, like, 9, but our band director literally kept urging them to switch instruments until 5 of them did

It made us really mad, it was a whole ordeal

Like we were specifically targeted, and yeah we were one of the biggest sections, but there are others just as big

And the drumline didn’t even need anyone else

It’s so maddening—all of the returning piccolos are angry

Like one of them went to colorguard, and our band director practically asked right in front of our drill instructor

Again, it’s a whole, very maddening, thing

Back to the program: after the auditions (we were the last to finish, but #notlast) we headed back to the practice field where our band director started without us

But the worst part is that he started right as we were walking across to put our stuff down? Like if felt like an extra “f*ck you” because he could have waited five more seconds but no

“but the piccolos aren’t unappreciated or disregarded or anything”

Ugh anyway

We played scales, went home for dinner, met at the music building (outside because of covid), marched down to the practice field as we always do

Spaced out a Ton Extra because covid (part 87648687)

People shouted “you’re doing great” which my compliment-deprived husk liked

Our band director said “looking good” when he looked at our section, and $1 million says he didn’t know we were the piccolos

We learned how to march until the end of practice (9pm), then we sang the alma mater and fight song as we usually do, but not really

We usually all form lines of side hugs (is there a name for that?) and sway back and forth, but because of covid, we had to stay still

It made it a lot harder, actually

Oh, during our one (1) break, we made our groupchat and Immediately memes and shenanigans began. This is a good section this year, folks. We’re close already, which is amazing

Other sections could never

Our after band activity was the scavenger hunt, which if you don’t know, we won two years ago, when our section chant became “Not Last” (which we still chant to this day)

It’s a very important night for the piccolos, to say the very least

We got 6th out of 7th, so I guess that’s not last, but also we suspect the judging was very biased even though they said it wasn’t

Reading this, you might be like “anni, you’re paranoid, they aren’t treating the piccs that badly” but I promise you, I can pull pages of receipts that I don’t really want to say on a public tumblr post, so sorry

The only people who read these are my friends, anyway, so I trust that you guys believe me

The scavenger hunt was fun though! It involves a lot of waiting, and we really bonded during that, too

We played ninja, which made other sections start playing ninja

But the piccolos aren’t close or anything

We sang country roads for a hot second

We did a bajillion dumb ice breakers

“everyone say what pet you have”

I said “I have a little brother, a dog, and a fish”

“if you could go anywhere, where would you go?”

I said “the grave”

Apparently that one isn’t wholesome like everyone else’s

Got home, my section leader called me because even more Piccolo Hatred happened, which I’m definitely not typing out here, sorry, and now it’s time for me to sleep!

This may get posted late depending on my wi-fi situation, but theoretically, I’ll see you guys tomorrow

okay but also

“maybe if the piccs didn’t distance themselves from other sections...”

me, when I stepped onto the practice field for the first time, having tons of people from different sections waving at me,

anyway anyway

#band camp #2k20 bc adventures #rant #marching band #band #cpb speaks #cbc

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twinkluvr67 · 5 years

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alright, now that my post limit is reset, this will likely be the last post i make. i’ll stick this at the end of my queue so it’ll be at the top of my page.

i have 323 followers as of writing this post. when i made the “list of users that i don’t like” list, i had maybe 316. my posts hardly get over 5 notes. i’m not some popular tumblr user that was trying to put these other people on blast... i honestly treat my tumblr as a public diary, and i make random posts just to get thoughts out of my system, and then i delete them at the end of the day.

i was never making a “blocklist”. i personally don’t give two shits if you follow those people, even though i don’t like them. so, like, stop asking to be “put on the list”... i’ve never even heard of any of you people in my ask box lmao... i don’t have any opinion on you so there’s no reason for you to even be on my “list”. honestly the fact that y’all saw a list and immediately wanted to be put on is kinda pathetic imo but that’s none of my business i guesssss

i don’t know anything about the people on my list..... i don’t even know the names of any of them. i don’t know their age, race, gender, anything... all i know is that toadprince is white and that’s basically it. and you know what? i don’t care. because guess what! it’s not a crime to dislike people who happen to be minors or poc. they’re annoying as hell and the fact that they’re my age (16) or people of color really does not change that fact. so uh... stop vilifying me for saying i don’t like them, lol. i’m allowed to have opinions and feelings.

umm, what else... oh, yeah. i don’t like homophobic jokes when they go too far. i don’t like that “y’all know homosexuality is a sin, right...?” nonsense. it’s nasty and makes me hells of uncomfortable. and the whole “i hate gay people my age” post by scammer... ugly as hell. unironically gay and homophobic (and transphobic, for making fun of neopronouns LOL). i don’t think making jokes like “i’m homophobic lel” or “i hate gay people” is bad, obviously..... i just hate when jokes like that go too far. sorry for having boundaries, i guess.

um, and i guess regarding some claims in my ask box? well firstly, i’m not racefaking, lol. my father is puerto rican and dominican and is literally brown and my mom is white. so yeah, i’m mixed latino/white. i’m not gonna drop family pics to prove it to you so you’re just gonna have to take my word for it and believe that i have literally 0 reason to racefake lmao... and about some other stuff, please stop pinning the blame on me for having this blow up. i really didn’t expect any of this to happen and it’s honestly really upsetting. also, there are some claims of nasty shit that some of those users did and i want everyone to know that whatever you say abt those users on the “list” i’m taking it with a grain of salt bc 1. you’re on anon 2. no sources and 3. lots of rumours surround popular users so it’s hard to take them at face value.

anyways, all this situation has really shown me is that i was right, lol. in all honesty? i’m not surprised at all that as soon as they caught whiff of my post, all their followers and mutuals came out of the woodwork to harass me. mean people attract mean people, after all! i mean it completely unironically when i say all of your vibes are rancid as hell.

so, i’m just taking this whole situation as a last straw for me and i’m going to finally quit using tumblr. i’ve been entirely too dependent on tumblr and the good it’s done me is over. it feels like everyday i see something upsetting and honestly the only reason i stayed was for my friends, and for all the art i love to see. i’ve been wanting to quit tumblr for a long long time and now that this whole thing happened, i’m really ready to let it go. this website is great for a lot of reasons, but ultimately the entire environment is just... really awful. even staying within my small circle of good mutuals and some other choice people i follow, there’s no real way to escape negativity. i’ve been doing really well with my life lately... i got a new hobby (friendship bracelets!!) and i’ve been taking meds for my mental health. i’m more active and getting out of the house and taking more care of my body, and i’m finally feeling more like a real person. but whenever i get back into using tumblr regularly, it feels like all that progress is taken away.

i just want to live my life without fear that everything i say is going to be scrutinized and/or taken the wrong way. i just want to live a normal life, free of weird annoying people who think they’re woke for bullying others. at least in real life people own up to their bullying, lol.

but, yeah... goodbye, i guess. i’m gonna focus on my mental health now and get back into learning korean and practice drawing more and maybe learn how to knit and sew. maybe i’ll even start writing again! who knows. anyways, this site is poison and i really regret being here since i was 13. and, uh, get therapy. @ literally all of you

if you want to know what i’m up to or you want to talk or anything, feel free add me on discord (vera#0877). i don’t really use other social media, so discord will pretty much be the only way to reach me. if my discord changes and you can’t add me, ask @vrisdaves for my new one.

seeya o7

#feel free to rb

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sunshinexlollipops · 5 years

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Man whomever reported you can go suck an egg. Just because you're an amazing writer and have fans and orobator who want to donate to you because of that, they just have to try and make it difficult for you...I'm glad you got it resolved, anyways! Keep doing you, you beautiful bean! ~ 💚

I mean technically they weren’t wrong in reporting me. I WAS breaking policy. I just didn’t know.

But overall the complaint said that I was begging for money and trying to get money from people, when I explicitly stated all of it was voluntary and only if you wanted to support me.

Even then per Archive policy, that isn’t allowed, but it’s not like I was banging down yalls door screaming for money, all while holding a charity bucket with my name on it.

Me on Archive like:

Honestly, I don’t even care in the sense that it happened, only that I was accused of begging for money. Which I wasn’t and never have or will.

I made a ko-fi because someone asked me to bc they wanted to support me, and I linked it because they asked me to as well.

And I got support from people and it was great! I actually got more support from my writing than I did as a clique artist trying to sell prints for 2 years. That should show how amazing you all are for being amazing to the creators you pt your back against!

But nevertheless, like I told Archive, I’ve had this account since 2012/2013 (my tumblr was made in 2012/2013 as well!) so I don’t remember the policies that I agreed to since it’s been so long.

Seriously— that is about to be 8-7 years ago!

But still, breaking policy terms is breaking policy terms.

I fixed all of the affected works and I’m just not going to mention or link my ko-fi page, even if it’s compliant with policy.

But thank you for coming to my defense anon, and trying to reassure me.

I don’t think it’s a jealous thing exactly, but something went on there for sure— and there was a notion of malice strong enough to report me and make inaccurate claims.

I’m not exactly freaking out though. I fixed the issue and it shouldn’t happen again, so what’s done is done. 🤷‍♀️

Otherwise, thank you to everyone showing and sending me love the past few weeks.

A lot has been going on — from my fic getting stolen, to my car stopping, to this complaint ordeal — and even further than that when I had a few rough patches.

I try not to complain on tumblr nor overshare with what’s going on with me— at least in the sense that I’m not here to treat this like a diary for myself. I mostly want to let you all know what’s going on bc it affects my writing and other escapades on here.

That being said, I haven’t gotten much writing done the past few days. I’ve been so busy looking for a new car and dealing with that (which has been so fun— being an adult that’s poor sucks), so unfortunately writing fell by the wayside.

I’m gonna try and write some today or continue fixing up ACW chapter 1. I don’t think I’ll manage to do a lot, but I can do something, you know?

Sorry for all of the negativity here the past few days. Hopefully things will perk up soon!

And ofc, all the love to you guys for being so awesome. :)

#luffy asks #and i oop

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turtle-in-space · 5 years

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Just gotta vent again for a hot second (or two)

I feel like I’m treating my tumblr like a diary now lol. After posting that long rant yesterday, I reflected a lot about what I said in it and I felt kind of petty... My life wasn’t that bad honestly and I had a lot of great opportunities!! I feel very fortunate to be where I am now and everything that happened in life brought me to this moment. I felt bad for trashing so much in my last post, so I thought that since my exams were over, I should reflect on my words a little better. I’m sorry for filling feeds with this shit, but please understand that I’m trying this out to cope with my stress :(

An old friend from high school reached out to me and that kind of slapped me out of my dark place. I realize now that I had not really moved on from my past self as much as I thought. I feel like I blamed too many people for my insecurities and I forgot to appreciate the people who I should have focused my energy on: the ones who pulled me out during the weekends when I felt really down, the ones who helped me with assignments at ridiculously late hours, the ones who reminded me to look past my face and the way I dressed, etc...

My mother called recently and that call stressed me out a lot. I was always bitter about not having a rich, emotionally supportive, and westernized family. My parents constantly threatened to divorce. My mother often told me that if I wasn’t obedient, she would send me to an orphanage or lock me in the basement to starve. My father was very verbally and physically abusive. He threw things and cursed at everyone in my family if he was upset about anything. (He was also a full-blown racist toward everyone who breathed on this earth) Both my parents constantly reminded me I wasn’t worth shit without them and that I should have never been born. I really wanted to talk to someone about this when it affected me greatly as a teenager, but people wouldn’t hesitate to tell me that I should be thankful for my privilege of having a smartphone and computer, getting into a decent college, and having good grades. Poor people aren’t supposed to have nice things and take up opportunities right? It still hurts to think about it, but I’m not self-destructive over my parents’ “criticisms” anymore. Their insults don’t cut deep anymore and I’ve learned that I’m more than their threats and abuses. It still stresses me out to go home because they also had two more kids (what’s birth control lol) and I’m a free babysitter/housekeeper. But Turtle, you’re an adult now!! They can’t tell you what to do anymore!!! ayy lmao first of all please check yourself and secondly I don’t want to bother explaining myself if that’s how it’s going to be so just accept this is all I can handle in life right now ok?

On a more positive note, I’m still working on that self-worth part!! I’m trying to appreciate the little victories in life, like I was feeling really down last week, but decided to get out of bed and get my eyebrows done and wow. I hate going outside especially by myself, but new eyebrows make a new person honestly. Best decision of the month tbh. I was also feeling like crap for spending more than usual, so I was glad that my supervisor let me take more work hours. Also so proud of myself for saving up enough for a new phone on top of my other expenses!!! My mentor in my new lab has also been so good to me by giving me days off during my exam week. I have to start job hunting soon, and I’m worried that I’m not very impressive to hire. My boyfriend often reminds me that my resume is built like a steel hammer though so let’s hope!!!

I was hoping for a more positive post for myself, but I guess that part about my parents wasn’t so gr8 lol. I guess writing these posts just helps take these bad thoughts off my mind and into something else so it feels like they have been lifted off my shoulders. I’m still an angry little bitch sometimes. Still awkward af too lol. I’ve recently noticed that when I talk to people I’m uncomfortably being around, I start acting awkwardly nervous and say stupid shit like “Oh I talk to my Google assistant when I’m lonely.” No shit I’m not actually that desperate but I’m trying to seem interesting... I’m trying ; - ; Anyway moral of this story... good people are out there! It might take years but it’ll be so worth it when you find them... Actually fuck that; the moral of this story is to go out and get your eyebrows done because it’ll hurt for like 2 mins but then you feel like a tru goddess and your fine af eyebrow raises will let people know they can’t hurt you no mo.

#personal #vent

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