eugh

i wish i felt safe talking to anybody at all about what's bothering me without them focusing on

1) having understanding for my mother (i have spent 30 years stuffing down my own feelings to feel compassion for her at the expense of my own shit going unheard/minimized for her sake, i've really just had enough)

and/or 2) how much she sucks (i know!!! better than anyone!!! but god if i don't wish my own feelings could be heard, acknowledged and validated without making it about her being a cunt the way feels like my entire life has been made to revolve around her bullshit.)

i always think about the fact that when i told her the doctors found a heart defect, the first thing she did was talk about how hard it was for her... and how she tried so hard during pregnancy!!! woe is her to produce a defective baby!!! but how this diagnosis might affect ME - y'know, the one living with a congenital defect where 4 out of 5 people need open heart surgery to reconstruct a failed aortic valve, lol - was never once considered. and then being told that ~it affects her too~ when i reminded her of that fact. gee sorry i forgot you're the centre of the goddamn universe and no one can suffer more than you i guess!

anyway i don't think i'm going to anymore family gatherings with her because i cant handle being spoken at and not having a choice at what i want shared or not. i've just had enough of feeling like an object and not a person whenever she's around. i'm tired of feeling like a small child at my big age and i'm tired of being made to feel that way so she can feel validated by acting like the authority on my fucking life.

I really cannot emphasize enough the mental health benefits of abandoning the idea that you're special.

The computer is a machine built for looking at pictures of fish you wouldn't otherwise see. Anything else you can do with a computer was an accident and unintended

kslnafkja sorry i keep complaining about that guy its just that i thought i was finally making some in-roads with being able to Make Friends Like A Normal Person and then it turns out i can't even do that without paying the 'guy whose only there bc he wants to bone you' tax... it kinda hurt my feelings a lot i'm ngl

already can't pretend to care about the male loneliness epidemic because it isn't real but listening to the way men actually talk about their friends/what they think friendship entails makes me care even less sorry

I'd be unstoppable if I didn't have to worry about time or money or having a body

Guess what day it is!

next time i close tumblr and open it again will fix me

the "i'm just a 30 yro teenager uwu" trend going on rn is so fking cringe and it makes me so unbelievably angry. can you stupid bitches grow up already and stop embarrassing me as a person who is regularly infantilized due to my height, voice, appearance, and the decision to be childless... i have not spent the last 10+ yrs of my life fighting for people to take me seriously as an intelligent human being for this tradwife ~i'm just a girl~ pilled absolute bullshit to set me back again

the way it feels like ppl just collectively gave up on progressive feminism compared to 10-15 yrs ago + the way gender essentialism is a canary in the coal mine for capital f Fascism has me so tired. i have read too many books about the collapse of the weimar republic to feel good and fine about this.

Fuck it. Crochet cartilaginous stingray skeleton

god sometimes working for the govt feels like a parody of itself... my online security certificate expired and i couldn't renew it through the online portal, so i called the help desk number as indicated by the error message. help desk guy told me to fill out a self-serve IT ticket so it could be renewed on the back-end manually. the self-serve IT ticket handler just sent me an email telling me to use the online portal and closed my ticket.

this is some audhd frustration ouroboros nightmare fuel if i'm being honest. i'm going to start biting people right away

picking up a frozen pizza + some snacks (compromise for not wanting to make dinner but not wanting to spend $50 on takeout), gonna watch a movie or something... it's been raining all day and i am trying not to Yearn too much but. alas i am yearning.

one day I’ll finally write that ridiculously elaborate fanfiction that I’ve been carefully constructing in my daydreams for months and then you’ll be sorry. you’ll all be sorry.

What's your stance on the issues?

on every single one?