#the first time i read this quote it BROKE ME so i guess this is the result of that | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

teyamsatan · 1 year

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Illicit Affairs | Chapter VIII: My Tears Ricochet

Pairing: Neteyam x Human/Avatar!Reader

Chapter I Chapter II Chapter III Chapter IV Chapter V Chapter VI Chapter VII Chapter IX Chapter X

Synopsis: All secrets are revealed and both you and Neteyam have to live with the consequences of your actions.

Warnings: pure angst, mentions of death, mental illness, addiction, self-injury, limited mentions of Y/N, did i mention angst, angst and more angst?

Word Count: 10,3k words (the first couple chapters were 3k, how did we get here??!)

A/N: This chapter killed me a little inside. I cried multiple times writing it, so I guess fair warning. I wanted really badly to build strong, round characters who had flaws and strengths and strong reasoning for acting a certain way/doing certain things. I wanted to write this story from both character's perspective, so it is clear that in life, each person will think they are right, that their reasoning was the correct one, when in reality, we are all a little right and a little wrong in everything we do, and it is always worth trying to see things from the other's perspective. We are coming towards the end of this first series, so I hope you enjoy this chapter and the rest of this journey. As always, thank you so much for everyone who engaged with it, I loved reading ALL of your comments and replies, they really make my day.

(Also, I feel like I am playing my own little game of "how many Taylor Swift and OG Avatar lyrics/quotes/references I can reasonably fit in a story without it being obnoxious" and I can't tell if I'm winning or not.)

I didn't have it in myself to go with grace Cause when I'd fight, you used to tell me I was brave And if I'm dead to you, why are you at the wake? Cursing my name, wishing I stayed Look at how my tears ricochet

You registered the girl asking you if you were alright, but you couldn’t see in front of you, the entire room spinning like the inside of a mirrorball. You felt your body rise from where it was sat next to Neteyam’s, and shakily made your way out. Neteyam’s mate. Neteyam’s mate was next to you, asking you if you need help. It all got too much, and you lunged your body forwards and threw up on the ground next to your tent. You were panting, trying to somehow get a grasp on your mind and push the hurt aside, enough so you can see and hear the world around you.

“I’m fine. Thank you.” you manage to blurt out weakly.

You heard more commotion, and faintly made out Jake’s voice and his arm on your shoulder, trying to bring you back to them.

“Neteyam, what the hell happened?”

You didn’t hear Neteyam speak. He was quiet and you were glad. You didn’t want to hear his voice, not now, and not for the rest of your life.

The world came back to focus eventually, and you spit aggressively trying to get rid of the taste of acid in your mouth. You removed Jake’s hand from your back, and left. The thought of speaking or even looking at any of them was too much to bear. You ran, harder than you ever had before, back to where you just came from, the Ikran nest in the village. You immediately recognised your own, beautiful, gold and white, pure, unlike the rest of this world. Neyn (light colours, shades of white)… fitting name, you thought. You made the tsaheylu quickly, and without a second thought, took off.

FIVE STAGES OF GRIEF STAGE III: DEPRESSION

You had no thoughts as you flew above the forest and made your way towards the general direction of the Hallelujah mountains. You realised you didn’t know where you were going, you didn’t know how you were going to find your way back, but it didn’t matter. Were you even going to ever return? There were no tears, no sadness, just emptiness. The pieces of your heart broke so finely they turned into dust, blown away in the wind of the night. Eventually you found the mountains, easy enough to spot, even in the darkness, the fluorescent flora marking the territory with an easy-to-see glow. You flew like this, for enough time that your lungs were running out of breath and your skin felt battered by the wind, but you kept going. You felt so free, so weightless. There was a calmness to your thoughts that you haven’t felt in years, probably since your mother died.

You saw a distant mountain that looked brighter than the others, and you made your way to it and were amazed to find a little cave in it, bright and colourful, a little piece of heaven on a planet that was heaven in and of itself. Neyn landed softly on the edge of the mountain and you dismounted effortlessly and approached her head, giving her pets on her neck, to which she cooed gently. She was the only friend you had, you realise. You were all alone.

“Neteyam, what happened?”

Neteyam was dragged in the tent by his dad, who was fuming. No matter what feelings his dad was feeling, they couldn’t compare to Neteyam’s anguish and terror. Why the hell was she there? She just had to wait another couple of hours and this would have never happened.

“She was patching my wound up when Tiongli came in the tent, announcing to the world she is my mate. Said mother told her about my injury.”

“Don’t you dare blame this on your mother, boy.” the Sully patriarch’s nose was flared, eyes looking at him intensely with anger and disappointment. Neteyam’s eyes filled with tears, and he felt his heart hurting so much like the gash was there instead of his arm.

“I was going to tell her tonight, dad. After dinner. I was going to tell her everything, and I was going to ask her to be my mate. I was going to come to you both and ask you to undo the engagement. I understand that a year and a half ago I gave up on her, I did it for a reason, I thought there was no future for us, and that we were hurting each other. But things have changed. She has changed. She’s going to be one of the people soon and I want her to be mine.”

“Neteyam, you can’t undo the engagement. You have known Tiongli your whole life, her family’s been expecting this since you were both young. You gave your word before Eywa, son.”

“I love her, dad. Do you understand that? I have loved her all of my life. It killed me having to leave, it killed me knowing there was no future, because she was human. But she’s not just human anymore. I was willing to go through with this for the sake of the village, for the sake of the family and the future, but if there is any chance I can have the love of my life by my side, instead, I will cling on to it for dear life. Mother was betrothed to uncle Tsu’tey, and she gave that up for you. It was done before Eywa, and she didn’t care. Because she loved you and she knew that was enough. She gave up being Tsahik, her birth right, so she can have you. I will not give up on her, dad. Mother wouldn’t have given up on you.”

“I have to find her. I have to make this right.”

You were sprawled on your back, feeling goosebumps form along your limbs from the cold grass. You were staring at the sky, noticing the bright stars you now knew were actually bright death sentences, each of them beautiful and devastating. Will you even still be alive when they come? Will everything you have gone through these few months matter? Will everything you have gone through in this life matter? All the pain, and the hurt, and the grief, just so you can die at 18 from a virus. The universe was cruel, you thought. It was a fitting end, though. Meaningless and daft, like your entire life was. Born on a planet you were not made to be able to survive on, your real planet a long-forsaken dream you will never experience for yourself, surrounded by nature that could kill you in an instant. Alone, never fitting anywhere, orphaned by human diseases: cancer and greed. Left to fend for yourself when you were just ten, learning to navigate a life that only seemed to want to clobber you to the ground whenever you thought you finally could stand up again.

There was no light at the end of the tunnel, not anymore. You wanted to fight for something, for the chance at life, or at retribution, or at love. You were dying and Neteyam killed whatever hope remained in you. They all did. Norm, Max, Jake, Neytiri, Lo’ak, Kiri, Spider, all accomplices, all aware, all willing to lie to your face for weeks with no remorse. You thought you were good at spotting liars, now you just knew how little you knew about everything.

The pain in your soul mirrored the one in your body, as you felt the morphine wearing off and your human body struggling to keep the mind steady for the link. You had to bear it, because this pain was more manageable than the one you knew waited for you in your human form, when you would be alone in a dark room with only your nightmares to keep you company.

With a sigh and a peer up at the sky, you hoped whatever comes after death was better than the hell you’ve lived in the majority of this life.

Neteyam waited the whole night in your tent, waited for you to come back, becoming increasingly worried as the hours passed and you didn’t show. He wanted to go and look for you, but knew that as soon as you got on your ikran, the chances of finding you were thin. He would go to the lab as soon as dawn broke, but for now, he was praying that you would just burst through the tent opening so he can talk you down.

He fucked up, badly. He cringed at the thought of how much he seemed to not be able to get anything right when it comes to you. Everything he did or didn’t do ended up hurting you more, the only thing he didn’t want, the only thing in the world he continuously tried to avoid.

He was consoled by the fact that he would have a lifetime to make it up to you. He will not give up trying, no matter how long, no matter how hard, he was determined to win you back and keep you, forever.

As you made it back to your human body in the early hours of the morning, you regretted waiting so long, as your body was in indescribable agony, the likes with which you didn’t know was possible for the human body to ever experience. Your heart was beating a mile a minute, you were sweating bullets and every bone and muscle in your body throbbed with enough intensity to make it almost impossible for you to get up from the pod. Everyone must be asleep at this hour, you thought. You had to make it to your bed, you had to get at least a couple of hours of rest if you were going to live to see another day. As if you were taking the Iknimaya again, you made your way form the lab to the medical ward and injected another dose of the morphine in your system. There was no going back now, you were too far down the rabbit hole to stop and why put yourself through more unnecessary pain when this will all be over in a few days anyway?

You crashed in your room for a few hours and quickly made your way back to the pod before anyone else was there to talk to. You started the linkpod by yourself and got in without hesitation.

Waking up in your Avatar body was a strange experience, as you were still in the Hallelujah mountains where you fell asleep last night. Neyn did not leave you, you noted, and she was peacefully resting next to you, cooing softly in her sleep.

“Hey, beautiful girl. Time to go back. It would be useful if you knew the way.” you pet her gently, trying not to disturb her. She woke up and pushed her snoot in your chest, and you felt it swell for this animal that you had an unbreakable bond with; you were grateful you had done the Iknimaya and at least gained a life companion from that horrible day.

As suspected, Neyn knew where to take you, and in about an hour you made it back to the village. You dreaded it, dreaded the inevitable interaction, but you knew you had to go back at some point and inform them of your whereabouts.

It was still early, so the village wasn’t quite bustling with energy yet. You quietly made it back to your tent, which you found empty. You grabbed your bow and arrows, knife and gun and a couple extra magazines. You didn’t know if you were going to be back. As you were making your way out, your head bumped into a large, muscular chest.

Fuck.

“Where the hell were you all night, kid? None of us slept a wink last night worrying.”

“Out.”

“What the hell do you mean out? Out where? You leave without telling, you don’t come back the whole night, do you have a fucking death wish?”

You laughed at the irony of his words. He caught your arm as you were walking away and pulled you back forcefully so you can face him.

“You are not going anywhere.”

“Let go.” Jake raised a brow at your words. He was not used to being spoken this way, you realise.

“How long?”

His grasp on you loosened, and his gaze softened when you peered up at him through eyelashes to which tears clung.

“How long has this been going on?”

“Kid…”

“How fucking long, Jake?”

He let go of your arm at your curse, which had never been directed at him before.

“Watch your tone, kid.”

“You made me feel like shit for learning to shoot guns without you. It made you feel bad, right? Knowing I purposefully left you out of something you could have been useful at, something we could have bonded over? I hurt you, by pushing you and Neytiri away for so many years, and I am sorry for that, but you have never, in your life, tried to understand me. So you gave me shit about something you didn’t understand, and I hurt so much inside at the thought of all I gave away by my reluctance to trust, to love, to let people in. So I changed. I let you in. I was here, everyday, acting like a perfect little daughter for you, the daughter I knew you wanted. Strong, capable, skilled. I let Neytiri in. I started calling her mum in my dreams, and although the guilt for my own mother gnawed at my insides silently, I was also relived, to finally have a family again, or for the first time.

You made me love you and break down these carefully constructed walls so you can be comfortable and sleep well at night for not breaking your promise my mum, and then you fucking stabbed me in the back.

I trusted you, Jake. You fucking lied to my face for months. Every time I asked where Neteyam was at dinners and you told me he was practicing, every day you plotted to get me out of the village as early morning as humanly possible and get me back after everyone else was fast asleep, I knew it in my heart you were lying, but you were all so good at it, I thought I was going crazy. But no, it was all a carefully planned ruse to not find out you made me come here and be part of the people just to watch the man I love belong to someone else without even a chance to decide for myself how to feel about it.”

The fight brought out the rest of the Sully family out of their tent, and they were all watching you now, concern and sadness displayed across their beautiful faces.

“You all lied to me. Looked me in the fucking eyes and lied to me, every day, multiple times a day. You were supposed to be my family.

The humans are coming. I will be here. I will stand and fight, you know I will. I will be your little soldier, and be who you made me into.

But I want to make this perfectly clear. As far as I am concerned, you and I, we are done. I am done.” You looked at every Sully one last time, and left.

You were no longer delightfully numb, but burning with anger and earth-shattering sorrow as you stalked away from the village, leaving everything behind. Your eyes were blurry with endless tears, mourning this life and this family that you managed to gain and lose within the span of a few weeks, reeling from the wounds within your heart that never had a chance to mend before being opened again, over and over. You didn’t want to go back to the lab, knowing Neteyam was most likely looking for you there. You couldn’t go to the clearing for the same reason. You had no home anymore, no place in this world, once again. You could only think of one place to go, one place where no one would ever look for you.

Your knees were shaking furiously as you walked, and you were scared of another flashback that you would have to ride out by yourself, but it never came. You just walked, crying and panting from all the pain the last 24 hours brought, and eventually you made it to a place you never thought you would ever see again. The clearing looked peaceful, with rays of light penetrating through tree branches, creating Mandalas on the ground that you found yourself tracing with your eyes.

In the corner, lay a decrepit exo suit, and you made your way to it, settling on the ground next to it. You knew now this exo suit belonged to your dad, and you removed some vines that grew on top of his name, Gideon Barlowe. A beautiful name, you thought, and your mind wandered to the past, a past way before you were even born, and wondered what your grandparents did back on Earth. Did they encourage their son to leave his own planet in pursuit of planetary colonisation, monetary gain and murderous acts? Did they know? Did he know? Was he like that his whole life, or did he start off fighting the good fight, and was corrupted by the jagged and monstrous lifestyle? You wondered if this was what he has always dreamt of doing, or he had secret dreams of being a painter, or a gardener. Did he play guitar, too? You snored sometimes, did you get that from him? You had so many questions for this man you shared half your DNA with, but have never met. For the man that died on a planet far away from home, alone, with no one to mourn him.

Was that going to be you? Would Neteyam remember you in 20 years, when he would tell stories about his childhood to his kids, when he remembered the good old times? Would you get a Na’vi send off? Or were you going to be buried somewhere in the forest, for someone to stumble upon in a distant future you would no longer be a part of?

Sobbing uncontrollably, you heard yourself speak in between wails. “Why am I here? Great Mother, please tell me there is more to this life, there is more to life than this, because I cannot do this anymore. I am so tired. I have tried to keep going my whole life, even when I wanted nothing more than to cease to exist, blissfully collapse in an ether where I didn’t have to feel anything anymore. I kept going because I wanted to make my mum proud, I wanted to honour the body and life she has given me. I am trying so hard, but I am really fucking tired.”

A little past eclipse, you arrived at the lab, and used the keycard you remembered to bring with you. You hoped Neteyam would be gone by now, in case he was trying to find you here. You made your way through the hub and into your bedroom, which looked tiny in your Avatar body. You realise how uncomfortable it must have been for him to be here so often, then cursed your brain for making you think about such things. Your Avatar body needed a bed, so you walked slowly to where the other Avatar bodies usually were laid to rest for the night. There should be an empty space where your mum or Grace used to sleep. It didn’t take long for you to wake up back in the linkpod, as with most nights recently, you were barely able to maintain the neurolink by the time evening came.

Max was waiting for you. “Neteyam came by. He’s been looking for you, said you left the village yesterday and didn’t come back. He was worried sick.”

You didn’t answer him, as you slowly got out of the pod and tried to steady your feet on the ground, harder than it seemed when the entire room was spinning around you.

“What happened?”

“The mate you all hid from me for weeks came announcing herself in my tent as we were just about to kiss.”

“Any other questions?”

You didn’t wait for a response before you made your way out of the room, stalking towards the medical ward.

As you retired to your room for the night, you noted the morphine was not working as well as used to anymore. You sat on the bed, looking at the arm that was getting blue at the amount of needle holes it had, and you knew then you didn’t have much time left. Maybe a couple of days. A couple more days of this. And then it would finally be over. You gave it a fair shot, this life thing. You couldn’t say you felt particularly sad at the thought of it ending. You pressed play on your vintage record player and let yourself sleep.

“Even on my worst day, did I deserve, babe, all the hell you gave me?

'Cause I loved you, I swear I loved you, til my dying day”

You spent the next 2 days in a haze, drugged out of your mind, waking up before eclipse and leaving to your dad’s grave and sleeping in the woods until the night, barely able to make it on your own two feet. Even in your human body, Neyn recognised you, and stood by you, which gave you some peace of mind. You made sure to bring her fruits from the lab, and she cooed warmly as she settled next to you.

When you made your way back that night, Norm was waiting.

“Where the hell have you been? Everyone’s been looking for you for 3 fucking days.”

You removed your oxygen mask and made your way to the room, where he followed you. You were in so much pain you couldn’t see straight.

“I am talking to you!” he took you by your arm and spun you around. The motion made you instantly sick, and you struggled to keep down the fruits you shared with your ikran.

“Let go of me, Norm.” you had no strength in your body anymore, so it took you awhile to shake him off.

“You look like shit. What did you do?”

You managed to make it to the bathroom, where you shut the door behind you and got in the shower. Fortunately, for you or him, you couldn’t tell, Norm was gone when you came out.

The next morning, you woke up desperately searching for pain relief and didn’t know if you were going to be able to make it to the ward before your knees would collapse on themselves. You were shaking and dizzy, out of your mind with agony and walking to the bathroom felt like the most intensive workout you have ever done. You peered up at yourself in the mirror and were scared at the eyes watching you, rabid and wild, like an injured animal waiting to lash out. It was too much for you to bear, and before you could even think or rationalise, you felt your fingers curl into a fist and make contact with the cold glass of the mirror, shattering in dozens of pieces, and it made you weirdly happy to have a visual representation of how your soul felt. The instant pain of the all the wounds the smash caused also gave you a weird sense of euphoria, and you realised it was taking away from the pain in the rest of the body, which was only able to focus on one agonising sensation at a time. This felt like a kiss by comparison, and you knew then you could go on a little longer, you could continue with the rest of the day.

Norm came bursting through the door at the loud crash.

“What the hell happened? Are you okay?”

You came out of your bathroom, blood dripping all over the floor as you made your way to the bed, sitting down on it.

“Leave, Norm.”

“What?”

“Leave.”

“What the hell has gotten into you recently. you are rude and brash, and you hurt people’s feelings with no remorse. This isn’t you.”

“What the hell do you know about me, Norm?” you say, laughing bitterly.

“Ace, stop.”

“You don’t know anything, Norm.” you kept going, the fury and hurt getting the best of you, once again, your need to destroy everything in your path as a way to cope with your own heartbreak winning by a landslide.

“Did you know I have needed pills to sleep and to live a normal day-to-day life since I was 13? I have been slowly depleting our sleeping pill and benzodiazepines inventory and replacing it with multivitamin pills I found in one of the drawers. I mean thank God none of you suffer from anxiety or panic disorder or need help sleeping cause I would have been busted so long ago.”

You laughed mockingly at his shocked face, jaw so close the floor now you could trip on it on your way out.

“Did you know I am about a week and a half away from dying after I accidentally smashed a vial of infected blood and got it in my mouth?”

You stand corrected, you think now his jaw was close enough to the floor to trip on it.

“Did you know I have upgraded from a pill addiction to a full blown opioid addiction in order to not collapse on the floor in excruciating pain because of the way this virus is eating at my insides? Yeah, yeah, that’s right. We’re almost out of a whole vial of morphine after I injected it in my veins every day for a while now.”

He had no words. “That’s about right.”

“I do know one thing you do know, though. You know that Neteyam had his mate announcement ceremony that day I took off. You were there to see the two love birds announce their love and pledge their commitment to each other the one day I was not there. And that’s why you were acting shifty. You know about that. And somehow you forgot to tell me, every day, for weeks. How does that work out, Norm, hmm?”

“I felt so bad for snapping at you a couple of days ago. I felt like a horrible fucking person for hurting your feelings. I should have been watching my back, instead.”

You got up from your bed and started walking towards the door.

“If I were you I would not linger in a room with poisoned blood dripping on the floor for too long.”

You found some paper towels at the side of your bed and wrapped them around your bleeding, pained hand, and with that, you left.

After you upped the morphine you usually took, you went to the lab and prepped a hood for some more experiments. Work was a good way to get your mind off things, to mindlessly do something that had a purpose other than driving you to the brink of insanity.

You heard a loud banging noise coming from the entrance, and you had a sneaking suspicion you knew who it was. You heard Norm open the door.

“Is she here?”

“Yeah, but Neteyam, I think you should go. She’s not in a good place, and I really don’t think doing this will end well for either of you.”

“I don’t care, I have to talk to her, I have been looking for her for 3 fucking days.”

You heard the door to the lab slide open and hissed at the man you knew would be trying to come in, realising hissing in a human body doesn’t have nearly the same effect.

“Get the fuck out, Neteyam. This is a sterile room.”

“I don’t fucking care about the room, Atan. Where the fuck have you been? Please come out so we can talk.”

You threw your head back and laughed, really laughed.

“You really are delusional if you think there is any way in heaven and hell I would want to hear anything you have got to say. The time for talking was a couple months ago, Neteyam. The time for talking was the first day I got my Avatar body, where in addendum to telling me you own my ass now, you could have also sprinkled in the fact your are now mated with someone else.”

“I am not mated with anyone, for fuck’s sake. Just come out so we can talk, please. I will explain everything, please!”

You stopped what you were doing and looked at him, for the first time since that day. He looked exhausted, anguished. Deep purple bags under his eyes, that were burning red where the whites should be. He has been crying. Good, you thought. He looked panicked and miserable and desperate for you to give him the time of day, for you to allow him to explain the unexplainable.

You sighed and your heart constricted in pain. Neteyam will not be happy until there was nothing left of you, until he took everything from you. At the same time, you were curious, morbidly curious as to what has actually happened, what led to this moment. You knew he loved you. You knew that much, but it didn’t seem to matter in this moment, as he broke your heart for what felt like the thousandth time in your short life.

“Go to the clearing, I’ll come when I’m ready.”

You half considered just leaving him there to wait, abandoning him just he did to you. You finished splitting your cells and treating them, and in about an hour, you went into the linkpod and took your Avatar for a walk in the woods. You reached the clearing shortly, as it was close enough that even child you could do it without getting too far away from the building.

You saw him standing there, his back turned to you and his legs submerged in the river that was rushing violently downstream. It was a cold day, and rain was trickling down your body like shivers from a kiss. There was tension in the air, and you knew a storm was coming. You could practically feel the charge in the atmosphere, and were expecting thunder to start any minute now, ready to mirror the agony in your soul.

“I’m here.”

He didn’t speak for a while. Just stood looking at the river, deep in thought.

“So many of our moments throughout the years happened here. Remember when I taught you to swim in the river? Now, in retrospective, that was a bad idea since the water kept taking you away, to the point I had to wait at the end so I could catch you in my arms, like you were a baby.”

You winced at the memory. You thought you could do this. You felt numb in that lab, numb on the way here, but as soon as your eyes focused on him, tears starting pooling in your eyes and pain overtook your body, that you tried to counteract by wrapping your arms tightly around yourself. He’s caused you so much hurt, so much grief in the years he’s known you. But he was also at the forefront of most of your happiest memories. You could fill endless manuscripts with the beauty of his love, that shone so brightly over you your whole life. He was the light in all the darkness and you honestly didn’t think you would have survived this journey without him.

That is why this hurt so much, why your body was convulsing on itself in insurmountable grief. And also why you owed him this much. Owed him this conversation, and the right to explain his point of view, that you were still unfamiliar with.

“I remember. I remember even at the time, thinking this was a good metaphor for our relationship. Life kept sweeping me off my feet, but you were always there to catch me, before it could take me away. I had so much faith in you back then, you were a fact of life, like the eclipse. You were the one person in this world I thought would never hurt me.”

“Fuck, Y/N, all I did before I left is hurt you.”

“What are you talking about?” You were confused at the turn this conversation took. What did he mean? You couldn’t recall a single time Neteyam hurt you before you left. Sure, you would fight and bicker sometimes, but it was a normal part of any relationship, you thought. And he always made it up to you, would always come to the lab and sit with you with flowers he collected or trinkets he found in the woods, always holding you and kissing your forehead to make sure you were over it before he had to leave. Fighting with him was ironically one of your favourite things, because you knew the aftermath was the closest you ever felt to being in heaven.

“I almost fucking killed you. Or have you forgotten? Have you forgotten how I manipulated you into getting on top of an ikran when you were just a 13 year old human and almost watched you die? Have you forgotten I took you to the woods and raced you to your dad’s remains? I was a walking magnet for disasters in your life and I was tired, so fucking tired of watching your life fall apart all around me. I had to watch you learn to walk again, limp because of my actions, for years. I had to pull you out of flashbacks and nightmares you developed because of ME. You were always fine in the woods with Lo’ak or Kiri, but everything bad that has happened to you happened around me.”

He was crying, panting and angry, at himself or you or the universe, you couldn’t tell.

“I thought that if I left, you would be ok. I just wanted to protect you. My whole life, all I have wanted was for you to be ok. But it seems no matter what I do, I keep fucking up.”

You had no words to speak as you lay there, listening to him letting you in to a secret you have spent so many months agonising over. The reason for his departure haunted you for a year and a half, even when you refused to think about him, about it, it was there, constantly emerging from the depths of your subconsciousness, taunting you in your dreams. Why? Why? Why?

Because he wanted to protect you?

You didn’t have time to process all of this new information, before he continued.

“The night you found your dad, I was shaken to my core, in a way I have never truly been before. I was so heartbroken, for you and for myself, for knowing this will haunt you for the rest of your life. I went home and mother found me, and told me that maybe I can’t help you in the way I’ve always wanted. That maybe it’s better for you that I remove myself for a while and leave you room to breathe and heal. So I did. It took me a long time to get the strength to do it. Every time I thought today is the day, I would see you and you would smile at me, and we would sit on your bed and you would read to me or play me songs or just be there, just you and me, and I couldn’t. I couldn’t bring myself to do it. You were everything to me, my light in all the darkness.

A year later, you sang me the song and you were smiling at me singing it, and I knew you were confessing feelings we have both felt for years and couldn’t say out loud. And I knew that if I stayed, whatever we had would escalate past the point of no return. If I stayed, that would be it. And that’s when I decided. I thought I was doing us both a favour. I knew it would hurt you, just as much as it hurt me, but I thought the pain would subside in time.”

You were crying now, you realised, tears falling silently and effortlessly down your face, with no intention to ever stop, instantly washed away by the pouring rain. There were no sounds, no sobs or wails, or panted breaths, just the sounds of rain and hopeless, soft cries and muffled sniffles, for the man in front of you, for all that you have lost, for the past you shared and the future that you would never have.

He got up from where he stood and turned around to face you. He walked towards you until he was so close to you could feel his breath on your face. His stare made goosebumps appear on your entire body, so earnest and desperate, so full of intensity for the words he was trying to convey to you.

“It didn’t.” He said, at the same time you thought the same words in your mind.

“A few years ago, mother and father told me I would one day have to find a mate. They knew and I knew it was expected of me, but I always put it off, so they eventually dropped it. I learnt later they both knew about us, so they didn’t push me into anything until they felt I was ready. A few months after they realised I decided to leave, they started bringing it up again. I didn’t want to hear it, but they said it was time, as I had refused for years longer than what was acceptable in the clan. I met with so many girls, all from good families, all healers in training, all wrong. Beautiful girls, smart girls, skilled healers and singers, and it was like looking at the grey walls of your lab. I felt nothing, I felt sick just thinking about it, like just the thought would be betraying the memory of our bond. Eventually, I told them they can decide. Grandma can decide whatever she thinks is best, and, as Tsahik, I would listen to her voice and wisdom, and do my duty to the clan. She chose Tiongli. I knew her growing up, and we were friendly, so I tried to make an effort. I would go to her tent, and she would show me her training sometimes, I would let her heal my wounds and imagined it was your hands touching me instead. I visited her family and paid my respects, and had dinner with them whenever they invited me. I hoped in time, I could learn to care for her, to lessen the distaste in my mouth whenever my family or the clan talked about the future, about the ceremony, about the life I was supposed to lead that I hated even the thought of.

And then, one day, my dad sent me to get Lo’ak from the lab. I was so scared of knowing I would have to see you again. It had been so long, and so many feelings gnawed at me on the walk there, terror and anxiety, guilt and longing. But then I saw you, and there was only one feeling: love. Like no time had passed at all. I knew then I was going to love you for the rest of my life, and that will never change. That was my fact of life, my eclipse.”

He slowly took your face in his hands, and his thumb was caressing your cheek trying to wipe the tears and raindrops that were falling mercilessly. You saw his face slowly getting closer to yours, and you knew you should pull away, you should remove yourself from his grasp before the kiss was going to remove the last ounce of happiness from you. You knew what you had to do, knew that no matter what information or answers or justifications he would give you today, they wouldn’t matter. You should pull away, because there is no future, no hope. But you couldn’t. You didn’t know what waited for you in the afterlife, but if there was any chance you would have your memories, you wanted this kiss to haunt you forever, to remind you of the life you left behind.

His lips touched yours so gently, it felt like a whisper. Like a hug, tender and warm, it was so different than your first kiss. Tears were still running down your face as your lips moved, entangled with his and begging for more. Your hands went to his chest, to his neck, to his back, just touching him, trying to memorise his body, this feeling. You wanted so much more, you wanted to be his, you wanted to feel him, you wanted him to own you, like he did your heart, which has been his your entire life and will still be his after your death.

You were a mess of wet tangled limbs and panted breaths by the end, and eventually, he broke the kiss to look at you through teary eyes.

“I love you, I will always love you. I am so sorry.”

“I love you, too.”

“But this doesn’t change anything, Neteyam.”

“Thank you, for finally telling me why you left. For giving me some closure for something that has plagued me for so long, it became a constant part of my nightmares. Thank you for having my best interest at heart; it couldn’t have been easy to leave, if you didn’t want to, it took a strong heart to do something that hurt you for what you thought was the lesser evil. But it doesn’t change anything.”

“You left me. You broke me. And you never gave me a chance to make my own decisions. To figure out for myself what was the path forward. I have NEVER blamed you for my misfortunes. The ikran ride is still a beautiful memory to me. You made it a beautiful memory. If it weren’t for your quick thinking, we probably would have both died at the hands of Toruk. You saved my life, Neteyam. You carried me home and stayed with me while I was having surgery, you stayed with me after, while I recovered. You pulled me out of the worst panic attack I have ever had when I found my dad, and you rode out so many of my flashbacks, I have lost count. You weren’t the cause or the common denominator of these events, I was. I am the one plagued by misfortune and hurt and death. Not you. And if you tell me you had to leave to save your own peace of mind, I would respect that. I don’t know anyone in this world who can take this, take me and all the shit that follows me everywhere I go. I don’t blame you.

But if you tell me that you did this for me, that I can’t accept. I didn’t ask for any of this. You gave me no choice, and no say in this relationship, in our shared life. You just left. I deserved better than that. And I deserved better than to find out about a mate after months of lies and manipulation and deceit. I don’t care. I don’t care if you are going to say that you didn’t want it, or you were going to undo it, or that you’ve always loved me and never her. I don’t care. You lied to me, you manipulated me. You accused me of fucking your brother as you were promised to another woman that you hid from me for months. I do blame you for that, and I will never be able to forgive you.”

“Please, Atan…I will tell her no. I will tell her -.” he was sobbing now, his hands still on your face, pleading.

“No.” you slowly took his hands in yours and removed them from your face.

“I think you should do it, Neteyam. She is a good girl, she will make a good Tsahik, and a good mate. Your mother was right, there is no future here - there never was. I love you, so much. But I think you have broken my heart one too many times. I am done.”

You turned your back and walked away from him and the life that was lost - forever.

You were completely soaked when you arrived in the lab, and you went straight to the Avatar laying room and cried. Cried until it felt like no more tears could possibly come out of you. You cried yourself to sleep and then cried in the pod, on the way to your bedroom, and in bed until your human body eventually collapsed from exhaustion. You cried in your dreams, in which Neteyam was kissing you and touching you, doing all the things you were silently begging him to in your mind just a few hours ago.

Eventually, nightfall came, and you had to get up to do the rest of your experiments and top up your analgesic. Ironically enough, you were making real progress on your work. You found a combination therapy that was showing incredible potential in slowing the virus down. It wasn’t enough to stop and eradicate it, but it was enough to give people more time and hopefully give the scientists more time to find a cure. It wouldn’t help you, but maybe you could still help others.

At some paint through the night, as you were making up some reagents, Norm bursts through the door holding a bunch of equipment and some pills, you realise. He puts them down on the bench behind you and speaks.

“Right, stop whatever you are doing, right now.”

“I am in the middle of something.”

“I don’t fucking care. Stop, now.”

You were taken aback at his words and attitude. Norm never got mad, or lost his composure. He was so most well balanced person you knew.

You put the pipette gun down and turned around to face him.

“I still need to adjust the pH on this.”

He ignored you while he prepared the myriad of little gadgets he brought with him. He motioned for you to take off your lab coat, and you rolled your eyes in annoyance, but did as you were told regardless. You were too tired to argue anymore.

He raised the sleeves of your top until they couldn’t go any further up your arm and put a blood pressure monitor on you. You felt tension as its sleeve tightened around you painfully, but eventually it gave out with a puff, and you heard beeping as the machine finished its reading. You looked to your right where the monitor lay, and saw red lights flashing, letting Norm know your blood pressure and pulse were dangerously low. His eyes widened slightly at the sight, but he held his composure, removing the gadget from around your arm and putting it away. He then read your oxygen levels, which you saw were constantly dabbling between 89 and 90%. Not good, you thought. No wonder you could barely breathe anymore. Norm cursed silently under his breath, trying to not let you see him, but if there was one thing you were good at, it’s reading people. Well, you thought you were, at least.

“Did you do any tests on your blood? How is your complete blood count looking?”

“No, I haven’t.”

“Why the fuck not, Ace? It’s not like you don’t know how to do it.”

He was angry, really angry. You’ve never seen Norm this angry, you’ve never seen Norm acting this way towards you.

You just shrugged. With a huff of annoyance, he took your arm and prepared a needle and syringe to collect some blood. He gulped and you could see tears forming in his eyes when he looked at the violet bruises and needle holes that were plastered along the length of your brachial vein.

“Just didn’t get around to it.”

“You didn’t - Are you fucking kidding me right now?”

“What medicine have you been taking? Did you take the Relenta, or the combination therapy we have been working on?”

“Neither.”

You swear you saw Norm’s entire body enter a catatonic state and he turned so red you were worried he was going to release steam out of his ears.

“You have been sick for a month and did not take anything, none of the treatments we have been working on?”

You couldn’t look him in the eye anymore, finding comfort in the pattern of the tiles on the floor.

“I can’t believe you. I didn’t peg you for someone who would just throw their life away meaninglessly. Your mum had to die because we didn’t have a way to treat her illness, and here we are, with a solution that YOU came up with for your own illness, and you will just not even try?”

You were quiet, not really having a way to rebut his questions.

“Fine. We will start you on the combination treatment tonight and take it from there. There’s other things we haven’t tried yet and I’m sure -“

“NO.”

“I’m not asking you. I’m not letting you fucking die.”

“Why must you always fucking try to fix everything, Norm? Some things can’t be fixed. I don’t want the fucking pills. I am done. I want this to be done.”

“So you’ll just die? Is that what you’re saying? You want to die, and not even fucking TRY to see if there is more to this life. Goddamn it, Y/N. I thought having the Avatar would help you realise life is worth living, there’s beauty in this world beyond the walls of this lab. You got your first kill, you did the Iknimaya, you’re going to become one of the people. Don’t you want to see what your future holds? Don’t you want to live to see yourself grow up? Fall in love, start a family. There are more guys in this world than just Neteyam.”

You gave Norm a dirty look and got out of the lab.

Neteyam felt his whole body reel after your conversation. It didn’t change anything, he thought bitterly. He thought explaining it to you, allowing to see that he had good reasons for his actions would allow you to forgive him, to at least allow him the opportunity to make it up to you through time. You left, just like he had so long ago, but there was a finality to you that he didn’t feel then. Back then, he always had hope that a miracle would still be possible, one in which you got an Avatar, healed and loved him, forever. He wanted to love you forever, but his apology and explanations were not enough.

He lost you, again.

He spent the night flying on his Ikran, just flying and letting the rain soak his thoughts and hurt away. He just wanted to disappear. He wanted the rain to melt his bones until there was nothing left of him but the memory of happier times.

In the early hours of the morning, he made it back to the village, trying to hide his cried out eyes and calamitous grief. He was dreading having to talk to his parents, to explain to them what happened, to have to go through with Tiongli and this future he didn’t want and will have to suffer through for the rest of his life. He didn’t have time to worry about it too much though, because, as he managed to get to the tent’s entrance, he heard Norm’s voice and his dad’s, intertwined with his grandma’s voice rising above them.

“It won’t work. Eywa will not allow her to come back.”

“Why not? She has taken her Iknimaya, she has completed her kills, she has spent her entire life in the village’s service, trying to help the best way she knew how. If she doesn’t deserve this, who does?”

“It’s not that she doesn’t deserve it. It’s that she doesn’t want it. She doesn’t want this, Norm. The Great Mother will not transfer the conscience of someone with no future.”

“But maybe if this happened, she will realise that she wants to live. Once she’s rid herself of her weak body, of this disease, maybe she will -“

“The Great Mother’s word is final. She will die, because she wants to die.”

Mo’at’s voice rang in his ears so hard he thought his eardrums would pop.

She doesn’t want it.

She will die.

What were they talking about? Who would die?

No… it couldn’t be. No, the Great Mother wouldn’t be so cruel.

He didn’t wait to hear the rest of the conversation, running as fast as his feet could carry him back to the lab. He reached soon enough, he was faster than most other people in the village, and started knocking on the door of the lab with all his might.

“Y/N, OPEN UP, I KNOW YOU ARE IN THERE!”

Eventually, Max came to the door, through which Neteyam burst without consideration for the tiny human next to him.

“She’s not in, Neteyam. She left before any of us had a chance to say anything.”

“Was she in her Avatar body?”

“No, the body is in the den where they sleep.”

He didn’t bother thanking the man, as he turned on his heel and started running again. She was there, had to be.

It was still raining, the clouds relentless as they released drops that poured gently down his face and body, and Neteyam thought the Great mother was crying, mourning the love being washed away like a pebble in the river of the clearing, just like he was.

You were there, of course you were. A current shocked Neteyam at the sight of you. This was the first time he has seen your human body in months, and he found it hard to reconcile the image of you he has known all his life with this current one. You were incredibly thin, so thin, whereas a few months ago he could trace your muscles, he could now trace your bones. You were pale, almost ashen, and the hair that he once spent so long admiring was now brittle and dull, obvious even as it was, wet and clinging to your back. You looked lifeless. He felt a lump form in his throat and tears pool in his eyes that were still not dry from all the pain this day has brought.

You didn’t notice him yet, your human ears much less sensitive than your Avatar, so you were just sitting on the riverbank with your chin resting on your knees, which were brought to your chest and your arms wrapped tightly around them. You were looking at the water, and it was like you weren’t actually there. You were in your own world, far from here, from this hurt.

“I was going to ask if it was true, what I heard Norm talk about in the tent today, but I think you’ve answered my question.”

Neteyam saw you flinch, and it felt like even that brought your weak frame pain. You were trembling when you looked at him, and your face made his own drop in shock. Your beautiful features, the blush in your cheeks, the glimmer in your eye, the pink of your lips, your animated expressions or raised eyebrows, were all gone. Your eyes looked glossed over and numb, your face looked ghostly and sunken, and Neteyam swore he could trace every blood vessel on your forehead and neck. The sight of you made whatever happiness or hope he had left dissolve and trickle down his bones, until it reached the ground where it was eventually buried, never to be seen again.

“I didn’t think I could make myself any clearer, Neteyam.”

“tell me it isn’t true. Tell me he’s lying; he’s making it up.”

“What part?”

“All of it.” Neteyam was angry now, trying to contain the temper rising in his chest.

“Tell me you’re not dying.”

“Norm has a big fucking mouth.”

“Can you for once in your fucking life just answer a question? This is fucking serious!”

You winced at his words, then struggled to get up, but did eventually and fully face him. The state of you hit him like bullets, piercing and scraping at his every organ, leaving bleeding wounds behind.

“It’s true”.

Crack, crack, crack.

“When?”

“The night you gave me the guitar. I was so busy being in love with you I forgot to put the proper protection on, and I smashed a bottle of infected blood. It got in my mouth, in my nose.”

“I thought you were working on a cure.”

“Haven’t found it yet.”

“But you said you have something that kind of works, something to give people more time.”

“I’m human, it doesn’t work that way for us.”

“So, you’ve tried.”

You weren’t looking at him anymore, just staring at the ground in front of you, somewhere next to Neteyam’s feet.

“Tell me you have fucking tried.”

It thundered aggressively as Neteyam said that, and he saw you once again tremble at the loud sound. You have never been a jumpy person. You were the bravest person he knew. You were the strongest person he knew. It was unspeakable having to watch you now, sitting meekly in front of him, when just a few days ago you took the Iknimaya, taking the climb to the toughest tests known to the Omatikaya, doing it like it was nothing, just another day for you. To know that this is what was hiding underneath, this is what you hid from all of them, made him both impossibly miserable and strikingly enraged at the same time.

“TELL ME YOU HAVE TRIED.”

“NO, OKAY?? NO, I HAVEN’T FUCKING TRIED.” You were sobbing now, your tears washed away by the rain and wind as soon as they fell down your cheeks.

“Why?”

“Because I am tired. I want this to end.”

“I thought you were happy. I thought you were better. You seemed better in the Avatar.”

“I was better… in the Avatar. Because that wasn’t my life. That was just a beautiful dream, while my life was the never-ending nightmare. It was easy to pretend in that body. It was easy to be the version of myself everybody wanted me to be. But I have to live with the real me every night. And I don’t want to do it anymore.” The more you cried, the more Neteyam’s blood boiled in his veins.

“That’s such fucking bullshit.”

“You know what I think?”

“I think dying is fucking easy. It’s your easy way out.”

You looked up at his much larger frame incredulously, and he saw how your mood was starting to mirror his own.

“What did you just say? You think this is fucking easy for me?”

“Yes, I think it is. I think all you’ve done since your mum has died is take the easy way out. Put everything and everyone in your little bottom desk drawer, keeping everyone at a distance. Do you know how much mother and father suffered every time you refused to come out, to come to the village? My mother cried herself to sleep at the thought of you alone in that lab, at the thought that you preferred that soulless, empty place to her, to us. Did you know that?

You have not once opened that drawer, not once dealt with anything. All you do is numb yourself down, pretend you are fine and the issues you have suffered through do not exist. Well guess fucking what, Atan? They exist. And until you deal with that pain and let it pass over you and through you, you will always take the easy way out.

You have made me feel like the worst person in the world, for leaving, for lying to you. But what the fuck have you done, huh? You lied to me about dying, for weeks! About dying! What, was I supposed to find you dead one day and that was it? That was what I deserved from you, after all the blood, sweat and tears I gave you? You said I took your choice away. You wouldn’t have even given me a choice to say goodbye to the love of my life before you fucking died!

I left you for a year because I wanted to protect you, you are leaving permanently because you refuse to fucking deal with the pain and hurt I know you feel deep down inside. You had a choice. You could have come to the many people who love you, love you unconditionally, and told us, and let us in, and let us help you. You could have gotten help, taken the pills, fight your damn hardest to make this work, to find a cure, for the life your mum gave you, the life she would have to watch you throw away. You have a choice now. To want to live, to want to fight through this and come out the other side a new, better person. To let me love you, let people love you. To do the consciousness transfer and be with me, and be happy, forever. And you’re choosing this.

You are a coward.”

Neteyam turned on his heel and walked away, before he got a chance to see you collapse on the ground, giving your last few breaths in the place he used to imagine both of your children laying in his arms peacefully while you sang them to sleep.

Tag list (I hope I didn't miss anyone, thank you so much for asking to be tagged <3): @nuhteyam @eywas-heir @fanboyluvr @mashiromochi @puffb4ll @sassy-persona @simp4ff @mommyneytiri @inomoikawa @jackiehollanderr @jaysarchiv3 @meivap @dakotali @hlhl99 @eskamybeloved @erenjaegerwifee @winchestertitties

#neteyam #neteyam x human!reader #neteyam x reader #neteyam fanfic #neteyam reader #neteyam sully #avatar #avatar twow #avatar fanfic #neteyam x avatar!reader #neteyam sully fanfiction #neteyam angst #awow #awow neteyam #loak reader #avatar loak

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writing-blog-iguess · 10 months

Text

Online Matchup 3

Summery: Y/N just wanted to study and head home for some sleep, to bad the night in Gotham has different plans. Now all they want to do is see the one person who's been on their mind since they started talking. Question is, will Jason agree?

Warning: swearing, fluff, it gets a little angsty, comfort, a sprinkle of gun violence, a mugging.

A/N: I got it done by Friday. I did not think I could do it, but I did. I’m not sure part 4 will be up, but I will be taking the next week to try and finish other projects. If there’s anything you’d like to, let me know. Uh, this ended up being over 6k works, I hope you enjoy! Feedback is welcome.

Words: 6574

ao3 Part 1 Part 2 Part 4 Part 5

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October 7

Y/N (7:30 am) Why is it so cold?

Jason Because it’s october

Y/N October just started! It should be illegal for October to be so cold so soon

Jason You’re the one who wanted to live in Gotham

Y/N I know But still

Jason: You lived in Gotham for how many years?

Y/n … Three

Jason: And you're still not used to the cold? and to think you chose Gotham

Y/n Shut up

Jason All because Gotham and I quote ~intrigues~ you

Y/n Shouldn’t you be at work?

Jason Shouldn’t you be in class?

Y/n I’m on my way there Why’d you think I’m complaining about the cold?

Jason Could have fooled me Maybe your heater broke in your apartment and it’s freezing

Y/n I would cry if that happened

Jason Don’t like the cold?

Y/n I don’t like getting sick

Jason Touché

Y/n But I also hate the cold

Jason It’s sweater weather

Y/n Still cold

Jason Fall is not cold Winters cold Fall is the perfect season It’s not too cold not to hot Perfect

Y/n Maybe for cuddling under the blanket and read

Jason That an invitation?

Y/n Wouldn’t you like to know

Jason Awe come on, little bird don’t shy on me now It’s been what? Three weeks?

Y/n Yeah But, uh I’m a little nervous It’s been a while since I’ve been on a date or something

Jason Ah I get that Honestly me too We can wait a bit longer and when we do meet up it’ll been in a public place

Y/n The confidence you have that we will be meeting is showing

Jason What can I say? I’m falling and I can’t get up

Y/n Oh my god You ruined the moment

Jason ‘Twas the plan

Y/n You dork

Jason No but really I really did fall and now my ass hurts

Y/n What do you want me to do about it?

Jason Come kiss it better

Y/n In your dreams

Jason Every night

Y/n I hope you step on a Lego

Jason First my ass and now my heart? Y/n you wound me

Y/n Sure, we’ll pretend your not into it

Jason I- Okay wow

Y/n Am I wrong

Jason I plead the fifth

Y/n Mm thought so

Jason Shouldn’t you be in class?

Y/N Yup, just waiting for the professor

Jason Is it true that if the teacher isn’t there after a certain period of time that there’s no class?

Y/n Some people think it is but no They always end up coming to class Unless there’s an attack of the school or something

Jason Does that happen a lot?

Y/n Like maybe every few months Don’t quote me on that, I barely pay attention

Jason I think that’s something you sure pay attention too

Y/n I did when I first moved here and now I just roll with the punches

Jason I really hope not

Y/n Like my guard is up when I’m out but other than that I guess, I don’t care?

Jason That’s even worse

Y/n That’s what my mom said too Oh look, the teach is here

Jason I'm more worried about you then I have worried about someone in my life

Y/n (12:20 pm) Hey You keep up with the news right?

Jason When I have time Why?

Y/n Have you heard anything about college students going missing?

Jason No I don’t think I have

Y/n Mm, not surprised I guess Apparently it’s a recent thing

Jason How recent?

Y/N Um, like a few days ago?

Jason And the cops haven’t done anything about this?

Y/N Nope Said they probably dropped out Some tried to report them as missing But they haven’t looked into it much

Jason How do you know this?

Y/n Rumors mostly Guess that’s why the cops won’t do anything But I don’t think they’re rumors I know some of the students that are missing Most are on the top of their classes Some are scholarship students, they wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize it

Jason Damn My brother’s a cop, I could get him to look into it?

Y/n You’re brothers a cop in Bludhaven What do you think he can do in Gotham?

Jason How do you know that?

Y/N Jason, we’ve been talking for awhile And sometimes when you complain about your brothers, you let information slip past. Not that I mind, everything you tell me I keep to myself But you need to pay more attention to what you’re talking about

Jason Right, sorry I forgot about that

Y/N Have you been sleeping lately?

Jason …no

Y/n Everything okay? Er, you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to it’s fine

Jason No it’s okay I want to tell you I just don’t know where to start

Y/n Start wherever, and how much you want to tell me I don’t need the whole picture

Jason I guess I’ve been having nightmares lately

Y/n About when you died? Allegedly

Jason … Don’t know if I should be impressed that that’s where your mind jumps to or not

Y/n It’s a gift

Jason But yeah, that’s what they’re about Someone found me after, and took me in and raised me for a couple of years And then coming going back home It’s a lot I guess Sometimes I feel like I’m broken

Y/n I bet I’m not going to pretend that I know how you feel and I’m not sure what exactly what I can say And I don’t want to invalid your feels, you’re allowed to feel how you feel But you’re not broken, not completely anyways Maybe a little bruised and banged up And like any bruise, they heal with time Sometimes with help sometimes without All depends on if you want it or not

Jason Are you sure you’re not a shrink or something?

Y/N Pretty positive It’s something my mom told me sometimes

Jason Wise women

Y/n You have no idea So, if you ever want to talk, chances are that I’ll be awake at any time

Jason Thank you And as for what Dick could do? Not a whole lot, but he does have friends in the gcpd though

Y/n You think he can do that?

Jason Yeah, he owes me

Y/N He’s your brother Does he have to owe you?

Jason Our relationship is a bit complicated

Y/N You’ve mentioned But if he can do something, that puts my mind at ease a little I’m worried and maybe a little scared

Jason As you should Just be careful okay?

Y/n I will do my best

Y/n (11:30pm) So… Have you heard anything from your brother?

Jason Smooth It hasn’t even been a day

Y/n That’s me The ruler of smooth A lot can happen between now and when you talked to your brother about it

Jason All true you dork And yeah I have Turns out they aren’t just rumours He went to check out the students dorms are they left everything there Usually when someone leaves they bring some clothes and stuff with them right

Y/n Yeah, unless they were in a hurried and couldn’t care less then they would pack important stuff

Jason Yeah but they left everything there Phones, wallets, keys I’m not sure what the connection is and all that But the cops are working hard

Y/n Mm okay At least some things being done about it

Jason Mm

Y/n No sleep tonight?

Jason Not yet Helping my brother with something

Y/n You know, for someone who has a complicated relationship with one’s family You sure do help them a lot

Jason What can I say? I’m a family man

Y/N Is this your way of saying you love your family?

Jason So how’s your dad doing?

Y/N I cannot believe you pulled the same move I used on you, on me This is a disgrace Unacceptable

Jason I’m just using when you taught me

Y/N I didn’t teach you shit

Jason Well it worked, didn’t it?

Y/n Unbelievable

Jason Answer the question

Y/n Okay I guess Tired mostly Says he’s trying to keep busy but my mom tells me he gets tired easily There’s no win win

Jason I’m sorry

Y/n Yup

Jason Still repressing your emotions?

Y/N You know it

Jason I’m here if you want to talk

Y/N Thanks Jason That means a lot

Jason Shouldn’t you be sleeping?

Y/N Yes But I’m currently doing a project that’s due tomorrow

Jason Ouch

Y/N Did you know that the library I’m at is open this late?

Jason Why?

Y/N College students needs books

Jason Yes But you can take them out and bring them home

Y/N I left my library card at home so now I’m stuck here with the book I need until I’m done

Jason See, I want to feel sorry for you But something’s holding me back

Y/N I can see the compassion from here Anyways I should go home soon

—

My phone’s about to die and I don’t have my charger either, you typed out and before you could hit send, you were met with your reflection on a black screen. “No,” you whined, slumping back into your chair. “It’s fine. I’ll just use my laptop, it should work.”

Sitting up straight, you reached over to wake your computer up, you were met with the same fate as your phone. “No, nonono,” you muttered, frantically searching your backpack for your laptop charger. When you couldn’t find it, you dumped everything on the table, hoping you were just blind. But it wasn’t there.

You groaned when you came to the realization that luck wasn’t on your side tonight.

Sighing in defeat, you made a note of the books you were using and the pages before cleaning up the table. As you stuffed your backpack with your things, you took a quick glance at the clock on the wall and cursed. If you don't hurry now, you’ll be late for the last train for the night.

If there’s one thing you hated most about Gotham, it was walking home really late at night. And the last you wanted to do was that, also you didn’t want to make Jason worry.

With the rest of your stuff hazardously stuffed into the backpack, you raced out of the library hoping to make the last train.

—

Jason You good? Home yet? Is everything okay? Hellooo? What happened? Are you safe?

—

Nothing. There was no response and when Jason tried to call you, it went straight to voicemail. No matter how many times he called, it always yielded the same result.

Jason is not worried. He knows you're busy with your project. Maybe you misplaced your phone while talking to someone. Or you’re already on your way home and need to concentrate on getting home. He vaguely recalls you saying you take the train to and from school.

Lighting up his phone to check the time, he nodded to himself. Yeah, that was it. You were just busy and on your way home. Jason’s not worried, he’s not.

“You okay there Jay?” Dick asked in concern, “you look a little worried there.”

Okay, so maybe he’s a little worried and maybe a little scared of what could potentially happen. In Gotham…At night.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Jason lied, trying to push images of you hurt away. It didn’t help that there was this group out there kidnapping college students. For what, who knows. Jason only hoped that you didn’t get mixed up in it.

Dick leaned in front of him and poked Jason’s forehead. “Are you sure? Your brow is pinched like you ate something sour,” he commented and Jason pushed him away with a scowl.

“Maybe he’s worried about his new friend,” Tim sang from the Bat computer. “It’s awfully late for a college student to be out in Gotham.”

Jason whipped his head around so fast, he was surprised he didn’t get whiplash. “How the fuck do you know?! I haven’t told you shit.”

“I’m a detective, Jason, I detect,” Tim pointily said, pressing buttons on the keyboard before a file with pictures of you showed on the screen. “Gotta say, they are kinda cute.”

“Why are you spying on them?” Jason asked, trying to keep his voice even. He was pissed he couldn’t have something in his life to himself. But his nosey siblings had to meddle in his life, love life too. It's like they have no life outside of fighting crime.

“I was bored,” he replied as Dick made his way over to the computer. No doubt curious on what Tim found.

“Don’t you have cases to solve?”

Tim shrugged, clicking through photos of you, which only served to piss Jason off even more. Why is it that he wanted to slowly get to learn more about you, that his brothers decided to do a deep dive without his permission? Times like these made him wish he stayed dead. “Your love life is more interesting at the moment.”

“Well, you can fuck off then,” he said, grabbing his Red Hood helmet from the nearby table and put it on.

“Where are you going?” Dick called over the roar of Jason’s motorcycle.

“Anywhere that’s not here,” he answered and sped off.

He had meant to drive aimlessly, but soon he found his way towards the library you were currently studying in.

He couldn’t get the images of you hurt out of his mind, and he convinced himself that it was fine to make sure you were okay. Otherwise, he’d be drowning in worry.

As he drove, he heard a cry for help. He almost dismissed it, thinking that someone who was on patrol would help them. But with his bike in idle, he heard it. Granted, the last time he heard your voice, you were all nasally with a hoarse voice from a sore throat. But he recognized you’re voice anywhere.

Parking his bike, he unholstered his gun and slowly made his way to the alley that your voice came from. Peeking his head around the corner, he saw you fighting with someone over your backpack. You held your own for a while, and Jason could only wait until there was an opening.

Was there a little part of him that wanted to see you fight? Maybe. but he doesn’t want to think about that now.

“Let go you asshole,” you grunted, pulling your backpack hard enough that the mugger tripped forward. Which gave you the time to kick him in the balls, hard. Jason winced at the impact and the mugger staggered backwards with a groan and you successfully gained back your bag. “Ha!”

“You bitch!” he yelled and lunged towards you. But before either of you could do anything, Jason surged forward and shot him in the leg. The both of you screamed, you at the sudden noise and the mugger at the pain. Without looking to see who was there, you ducked behind a dumpster, out of harms way.

Clever Little Bird, Jason thought as he stalked towards his prey. “Your mom ever teach you manners?” Jason asked. The mugger shook his head and begged Jason not to kill him. Jason was tempted too, but an annoying voice in the back of his mind, who sounded suspiciously like Bruce, whispered, don’t kill.

“Nah, I’m not gonna kill ya,” he grumbled and waved him away with his gun. “But if I see ya again, I ain’t making any promises.” He took it as it was, and limped away as fast as he could. Jason watched as he disappeared before holstering his gun and turned around towards you with a frown. You were curled in on yourself, hugging your bag tight.

“Hey,” he said softly, reaching out to tap you on your shoulders. With no warning, you quickly spun around and hit him with your bag. He winced as it collided with his chest, surprising him.

“Oh my god!” you exclaimed once you realized who he was. You dropped your arms from the next attack Jason had no doubt would have followed through. “I’m so sorry! I didn’t realize it was you.”

“What are you packing in there?” he grunted as he rubbed his chest, “fucking bricks?”

“Textbooks,” you answered sheepishly, hugging your backpack to your chest. “I’m really sorry I thought you were someone else.”

“No worries, I ain’t mad,” he said with a smile. Though you couldn’t see it given the helmet. “Hellva reflex though. Not many would fight back.”

You shrugged, tightening your grip on the backpack. The adrenaline must be wearing off, Jason noted. You were starting to shake. “What can I say? My flight or fight kicked in and there was nowhere to run.”

“Still,” he said, taking the moment to study you, and wishing he had shot the punk when he clocked the bruise forming under your eye. Other than that, there was nothing of note to worry about. Physically at least. Emotionally, he had no idea where your mind was at. “Are you doing okay?”

“Uh maybe?” you said, unsure yourself. You took a deep breath to calm yourself but it came out shakily. “I don’t know. I will be, once I’m home though.”

“Need a lift?” Jason offered, catching you by surprise. You lifted your head to look at him, eyes narrowed. As if you were trying to see under the helmet. He stood there and waited. Eventually, you shook your head. Disappointment filtered through Jason but he pushed it down.

“Thanks, but I’m just down the street. Don’t think anything else can happen between here and there,” you said and Jason’s heart leaped at all the possibilities of what could happen.

“You’re gonna jinx yourself if you keep saying stuff like that,” he pointed out. You only shrugged and gave him a smile that made his heart skip a beat.

“I’m sure an angel is looking out for me,” you said, getting enough courage to pat him on the chest as you walked past him. “Be seeing ya, Red.”

Jason stood there for a moment and shook his head with a smile. You sure were something else. Though it was a short distance to your place, it didn’t stop Red Hood from following you until you made it to your apartment. Even then, he stayed on the roof adjacent to your building, waiting for your message saying you were okay.

You stood in front of your apartment door, keys in hand and frowned. With the adrenaline completely out of your system, and finally being alone, your mind raced with the events that transpired over the last couple of hours.

You had managed to make the last train and the journey was uneventful. It wasn’t until the walk home that your luck turned bad.

You were so focused on getting home that you didn’t notice the guy following you until he grabbed your backpack. You fought, Red Hood showered up surprising you and talked before going home.

You blinked at the memory. If you weren’t so in your head, you’d be giddy that you actually talked to Red Hood. You talked to Red Hood. What the fuck? You’re not even sure if you flirted with him near the end or not. But you were still processing everything.

You shook your head, trying to get out of it. You didn’t want to go inside. Going inside meant being alone, alone with your thoughts and that’s the last thing you wanted.

What you wanted was company, what you wanted was someone you haven’t even met yet, yet you knew you’d feel better after seeing him. You wondered if you called Jason, if he would pick up and ask to meet up. It couldn’t hurt to try.

With a half-baked plan, you finally unlocked the door. The first thing you do is plug in your phone, the second is to shower.

You wanted it to be quick, the faster you're done the faster you can leave the apartment. But you’re not sure what happened between grabbing your clothes and now. You just know that when you come to, your hair is wet and dressed in your comfortable clothes, and you find yourself standing in front of the mirror.

You feel better, if only a little. You wince at the bruise and you could cover it up, but you’re tired and you don’t want to stay here any longer than you already have. Instead, you bushed your hair and leave the bathroom.

With your phone half charged, you grab it and your keys and wallet before leaving the apartment. As you walk towards the elevator, you open up your phone to see a few missed calls from your sister and Jason, and some texts from Jason asking if you’re okay. You made a note to call your sister in the morning and tried to ignore the guilt at seeing the messages from Jason. You pressed the button for the elevator, your thumb hovering over Jason’s name.

Maybe calling him will be a mistake, Despair whispered in your ear.

Or, maybe it’ll be the best thing in the world and you won’t regret it, Desire countered. And hope bloomed a little in your chest. With that, you pressed the call button without much thought and brought the phone to your ear.

One ring, you step in the elevator as you begin to second guess yourself that this was a bad idea. Second ring, you press the button for the lobby, starting to panic. Maybe he won’t pick up. Half of you hoped. By the third ring, you're off the elevator and almost hung up when the call connects.

“Little Bird?” Jason answered, and the grip on the phone tightened. You really didn’t think he’d pick up, and he doesn’t sound tired. For how late it is, anyways. If anything, he sounds awake, like he was waiting for something.

Guilt rears back into your stomach again when you realize he was waiting for you. Tears start to pool in the corner of your eyes, and you blink them away. You didn’t want to cry, that was for later, when you're curled up in a ball in bed. Waiting for sleep that you know will never come.

“Hey, you still there?” Jason asked, voice soft as if he knew that’s what you needed right now. Your heart warms at the person you’re slowly falling for. You clear your throat and hope your voice sounds normal when you answer.

“Hi,” your answer is a whisper, and you find yourself you don’t care.

“Hi,” he greeted back and you could hear the smile in his voice. “I’m surprised you're still awake. Figured you’d be in bed by now.”

"Yeah, me too. But I’m too wired to sleep,” you said, forcing your feet to move. You start walking out of the building and towards your favourite café that’s near your place. “Surprised you’re awake too. Still helping your brother?”

You’re so engrossed with your conversation, that you don’t feel eyes on you as you walk. And Jason hoped to keep it that way. “Nah, doing my own thing before going to bed. Surprised you called though. Usually, you shoot me a message.”

You stall for a moment, almost tripping on your feet, before walking again. “Er, yeah. Sorry I just…I don’t know.”

“You don’t have to say sorry. I don’t mind talking either. Besides, you've voice is music to my ears," Jason said, and you try not the blush with how casual he says things like that. "So, what’s up?”

You’re quiet for a second, chewing on your lip before blurting out the question, “do you want to meet up?”

You’re met with and you close your eyes at your stupidity. “Sorry,” you started, “that was stupid. You don’t have to if you don’t want to, I get it. It’s fine. Plus, it’s super late, like two in the morning late. And we should be sleeping but the thought of being alone right now scares me. And I don’t want to be alone and I just really need some company. And I thought why not Jason? I wanted to meet him for awhile and I’ve now realized it was bad timing and-”

“Are you sure?” Jason interrupted your rambling and you couldn’t be more thankful. You were positive you would big yourself in a hole you couldn’t get out of if you kept talking.

“Sure about what?” you asked dumbly, as if you forgot what you had just asked him. You’ve reached the café and stood in front of the door, peering in.

“That you want to meet up,” Jason said with a chuckle.

“Oh, uh yeah, I am sure,” you said with a nod. “I mean if that’s okay with you?”

“Sure is,” he said, “can I ask what brought this on?”

You're silent for a moment, debating whether to answer him or wait until he’s here to say. But you think of the bruise under your eye and you think it’s better to tell him now. “I, um, almost got mugged on my way home. He didn’t get my stuff, but he did clock me in the face. Could be worse though, but I don’t want to be alone right now.”

“Shit,” he breathed out, “are you okay?”

“Sorry,” you mumbled to the couple coming out of the café and stepped aside to let them go. You shrug even though he couldn’t see you. “Like I said, it could be worse.”

“Don’t. Don’t downplay what happened to you,” Jason said softly, “anyone would be shaken up after a mugging. You’re allowed to not be okay, sweetheart.”

The simple sentence is what breaks you, and you start letting the tears fall down your cheeks. “Damnit,” you mumbled, wiping your eyes with the sleeve of your sweater. “Have me crying in public Jason, not cool.”

“Sorry sweetie. Where are you? I’ll get there as soon as I can.” You rattle where you are and you can feel Jason’s smile through the phone. “I know the place. Order me a hot chocolate and I’ll be there in twenty.”

“Try not to break any laws now, Jason,” you muttered, though you smile all the same. Knowing you’ll meet Jason soon has you in better spirits since the incident happened.

“No promises.” With that, you hang up and walk into the building. You tell the barista your fine when she asks about the bruise and order your usual and Jason’s drink with a cake and find an empty table. You find yourself in the corner by a window, making your way over and you set your order down and sit facing the door.

You’re scrolling through your phone while you wait, trying to keep yourself distracted. And it helped with Jason texting you updates on what’s happening. You find it endearing, and a little silly, but it keeps you from spiraling and you're thankful.

Before you know it, you hear a roar of a motorcycle driving past, and you look up just in time to see them part in front of the building. You watch as they turn off the bike and climb off before taking the helmet off.

Breath escapes you as you recognize who it is, and pictures didn’t do Jason justice. Jason’s pretty, and you like the little white strip he has in his hair. It suits him, somehow.

Lifting your phone, you take a picture of him fluffing out his hair and type out a message saying you see him before sending it to him. You watch as he takes out his phone, frowning a little at the message. He whipped his head up and scanned the building until his eyes landed on you. All you can do is wave, and your heart almost leaps out of your chest at the smile he gives you.

It's brighter than you imagined and you're okay with it. Your eyes follow him as he makes his way inside. You stand when he makes his way towards you and you smile as he stands in front of you.

“Hi.”

There’s a moment of silence between the two of you before you start to laugh. Not a full belly laugh, just a light chuckle as if someone told you a joke. You’re not sure why you find the whole thing funny, but you do. Maybe you're too tired to fully process it completely.

“Are you okay?” Jason asked, a little worried. He took a step forward, arms moving to give you a hug, but stopped himself. Worried that you wouldn’t appreciate the gesture, scared that you might reject his touch. Your heart warms at the hesitation and you make the decision for him. Stepping forward, you wrap your arms around him and practically met into his chest.

After a moment of hesitation, Jason wraps his arms around you, hugging you tight. It's one of the best hugs you’ve ever had, and you can't seem to remember the last time someone hugged you that wasn’t family.

“I am now,” you whispered, blinking away more tears. “Sorry if this first meeting isn’t exactly to your expectations.”

“Nah, I wouldn’t change this for the world,” he said, leaning back a little. Snaking one hand to your chin, he gently lifted your face to look at you. He hissed a little at the bruising and you can’t seem to find yourself to be embarrassed about. Not with the look Jason’s giving you, like you’re the only person who matters to him.

“That’s good,” you mumbled, blushing a little with the attention he was giving you. You pull away a little, only to pull him to sit down. Your feet started to hurt and you needed to let them rest. Sitting across from him, you wrap your hands around your cup and let the heat seep into them. “You know, I almost didn’t call. Was too afraid you’d say no or something.”

Jason leaned over a bit and took off his jacket and you tried to not openly stare at his arms.

“Don’t think I could say no to you,” Jason said, taking a sip from his drink as you averted your gaze to his face. “But I’m glad you called, I was trying to work up the nerve to ask you to a coffee date or something. Something always stopped me though.”

“Well, we’re here now,” you pointed out, leaning over the table with a smile. “Nothing we can do but move forward.”

“Wise words coming from a lady who thought I was asking for a booty call,” Jason said with a smirk. You gasped at the reminder, and reached over to pull the plate of cake you had bought to share with him.

“You know, just for that, I’m not sharing this with you,” you said, and moved the plate closer when Jason moved to grab it.

“Now that’s not fair, Little Bird. It’s been a tough night dealing with my brothers all night, I need a little pick me up,” he said, trying to grab the plate from you again. You moved it just before he could grab it, and stuck your nose in the air.

“Guess you should have thought about that before insulting me, good sir.” Jason snorted, mock surrendering. You giggled and moved the plate back to the middle. “How was your night? Anything interesting happen?”

“Nah, not really. Turned out he didn’t really need my help, just said that to rope me in for family supper,” Jason answered, picking up the fork and stabbing a piece of cake before eating it.

“If you’re gonna be mean to the cake, I won’t share,” you threatened, trying not to smile when he gave you a look. “Family dinner huh? Can’t be all that bad.”

“It’s not,” Jason hummed, “I get to eat Alfred’s cooking and there are some siblings I don’t mind hanging out with. It can be too much sometimes, you know? Like they lived their lives while I was somewhere out there being raised by different people, you know?”

“Mm not really but I can imagine,” you said, smiling when he snorted. “But they’re trying, that’s all you can ask for. Question is though, are you trying?”

Jason shifted as you stared at him with raised eyebrows. “What is this? An interrogation?”

“Can be if you want it to be,” you quipped back. Following his lead as he leaned forward.

“If anyone’s gonna do the questioning, it’s gonna be me.”

“You think so?”

“I know so, Little Bird.”

The two of you stare at each other, waiting to see who cracks first at the challenge. You blink and you know you’ve lost. “Yeah okay. But you didn’t answer my question,” you reminded him, leaning back.

“Yeah I’m trying, just hard,” he answered and he took a moment to study you. “Are you doing okay? Not to be rude, but you look exhausted.”

You snort and rub your eyes only to wince when you touch the bruise. “I don’t know. I haven’t really had time to process everything properly.”

“How’d you mean?”

“Like I didn’t sit down and cry about it yet. When I got home all I wanted to do was leave. But I forced myself to shower but I think I blacked out or something, I don’t know. I don’t remember it. After that, I left my apartment as fast as I could and called you.”

“Which I’m glad you did, but now you have to take a moment and let it sink in. You can take it now, let yourself not be okay, I won’t judge. Hell, I’m probably the last person to judge.”

You gave him a sad smile and slowly slumping down into your seat, trying to hide from the mostly empty café. As if sensing what you’re trying to do, Jason gets up and moves to sit beside you, angling his body so you’re hidden from view.

A wave of fondness washes over you, and you think he can’t surprise you anymore then he already has. Taking a deep breath, you slowly let it out and close your eyes. Listening to Jason and let yourself not be okay.

The night plays like a movie behind your eyelids and you fight to keep it playing. You feel all the emotions that you managed to push away hit you like a truck, making you tear up. You cover your eyes with your arm and feel movement from beside you.

But you're too embarrassed to look, so you wait until Jason’s right beside you.

“I’m going to hug you okay?” You hear Jason whisper close to your ear. You nod and almost flinch when his arms snake around your waist, but you don’t. This touch is warm, caring. The complete opposite of the mugger. You feel safe for the first time that night.

You relaxed in Jason’s embrace and balled your firsts in his shirt as you cried. He sat there, rubbing your side, whispering that you’re okay, that it will be okay, and waited until you were done.

You sniffle when the sob has subsided but you don’t let go just yet. You’re exhausted, embarrassed that you ended up crying on Jason, and you're not yet ready to face him.

“You’re okay,” Jason murmured, squeezing you reassuringly. You only nod, moving slightly to wipe your nose with your sleeve. But as you move to do that, there’s a napkin in front of you.

“Thanks,” you muttered, taking it and blowing your nose.

“Feeling better?” Jason asked, moving slightly but he kept you in his hold. And you're grateful for it. His touch was something you could get used to.

“Yeah, much. I think I could sleep forever,” you joked, leaning into him you felt his chuckle more then heard it.

“Please don’t, I enjoy your company,” he said and you smiled. “I hope you feel the same.”

“I do,” you hummed, “I’m sorry for crying all over you. I think I got your shirt all wet and snotty.”

“Nothing to be sorry for. It was something you needed and I’ll gladly be your shoulder to cry on.”

Silence settled between you, and you closed your eyes feeling the need to sleep. The two of you stayed like that until Jason could feel your body relax into sleeping.

“Come on, I think it’s time for you to go home,” Jason stated, shaking you a little to keep you awake.

“Noooo,” you whined, pouting as you sat up slowly. “But I’m having a great time.”

“You need sleep,” Jason pointed out, collecting your garbage and standing to throw it out. When he came back, he put on his jacket and smirked as you stared. “We can always hang out another time. Maybe next time it won’t happen at three in the morning.”

“Promise?”

“Promise,” he answered, holding out his hand. You blinked at it before grabbing it and he helped you up. “Come on, I’ll walk you home.”

“You don’t have to have,” you said, quick to shake your head.

“Please? For my peace of mind,” Jason said as he walked the both of you out. “Plus it prolongs the time I get to spend time with you.”

Opening your mouth to argue, you stop yourself and feel the blush creeping into your cheeks. “Fine,” you agreed begrudgingly, though glad for the company.

The walk was short, you spent the time talking about anything that came to mind. And before you knew it you were standing in front of your door. Jason had insisted on walking you up, to make sure you didn’t trip on anything. He had claimed and you didn’t seem to mind.

You have thought about inviting him in, but sleep was calling you and you didn’t want to seem too eager.

“So this is me,” you said awkwardly, unsure how to say goodnight.

“I had a good time,” he said, smiling. You squinted up at him, only now realizing how tall he was.

“I ended up crying.”

“You had a bad night, you deserved to cry after what happened to you,” he countered. “Like I said, I’m the last person to judge.”

“I’m going to get that story one day,” you challenged, and he leaned down a little, smirking. Cocky bastard.

“I’m looking forward to it,” he said, and you gently punched him in the chest with a laugh.

“Text me when you get home?”

“Awe, you worried about me,” he teased. You rolled your eyes as you took your keys out and unlocked the door.

“I can unworry about you,” you said, swinging the door open. Before going in, you turned and gave him a hug, squeezing tight. “Thanks, for you know.”

Jason returned the hug and buried his nose in your hair. “Anytime. Glad you're feeling better.”

You stay like that for a moment before Jason lets you go. He cupped your cheeks and for a brief moment, you thought he might kiss you.

“Night Little Bird, see you soon.”

With that, he turned and walked down the hallway, leaving you feeling warm inside.

Walking in, you unlocked the door and immediately plopped into your bed, letting your body relax. Sleep pulled at you but you were determined to stay awake until Jason texted.

But sleep was just as determined and stronger, you fell asleep just as your phone chimed.

Jason I’m home

#jason todd x reader #jason todd gn!reader #jason todd #batman imagine #online match up #my writing

313 notes · View notes

intuitivesef · 11 months

Text

Your love story described as a poem

Pick a card reading

Don’t second guess yourself when choosing a card. Trust your intuition.

Take what resonates, leave what doesn’t.

Author’s note: I described it as a poem to enhance the beauty I felt throughout the reading. :) Also, added a channeled message and a quote from them because I felt like something was missing and I kept hearing love messages.

Moodboard: @hannamichelle-seraf

Dividers written by me

Masterlist

Pile 1:

Love at first sight.

𓂋 ʚ♡ɞ

One look. One look was needed for me to find my true love. You were there doing your own thing, I felt a need to look at your direction, Realized the reason—I just found my fucking soulmate. I didn’t want to look that way, I wasn’t interested in love, I never gave a damn about it, But you changed my whole concept of it. Looks weren’t my thing, I never cared—it was all about the soul, But you, damn you, love. You changed everything for me, The way your body moved, the way you dress, It makes me lose my fucking mind, and I know you know it. You like teasing me all too well, damn you, You’re killing me, I love it.

𓆩♡𓆪

Message from them:

Damn it, baby. I never cared about looks, I don’t care about it and I shouldn’t, but you did something to me. I’m not superficial or anything, but I love it when you dress up for me. Looking so hot and sexy, God. It kills me, it turns me on, it just... I can’t explain what you do to me.

𓆩-𓆪

A quote from them:

How can one be beautiful internally and externally? To think your looks wasn't the only attractive thing, to think I would learn to fall for someone's personality than looks, thanks so much baby doll face!

want to give me tips, thank me, pay me, etc for my channeled readings? -> $intuitivesef - thanks :)

Pile 2:

Best friend

𓂋 ʚ♡ɞ

You wouldn’t think you’d fall for your best friend like that, Nah, I didn’t so either and yet here we are. Sometimes, I would catch myself daydreaming about you, Punching myself and getting frustrated because I didn’t want to lose you, I didn’t want to be forgotten, but at the same time, I wanted your love, But I couldn’t accept my feelings for you. Months after months, Came up with a plan to ask you out, Hoping you would accept it rather than reject my love for you, And you accepted it.. My eye couldn’t believe it. You probably thought something was off with me during the moment, But you didn’t understand how I felt, How I wanted to pick you up and kiss you, Where I wanted to scream so loud because you accepted my love, Where I wanted to cry so bad because you felt the same, The joy I felt when you accepted it broke me in the best possible way. Thank you for feeling the same way, You mean the world to me, You know that already, But saying it again to you is the best. I love you dearly and I will always do. Love you.

𓆩♡𓆪

Message from them:

I’m so thankful you felt the same way as I did because I thought about you all the time. I daydream about you, dreamt of you, and I couldn’t stop. At first, I couldn’t accept what was happening because I’m not the type to fall for someone, but you were the exception. Your kind soul brought me to my knees and honestly, I’m glad it did. I got to learn how to love someone without getting hurt through the process. Commitments were never my thing, and you knew that, but I don’t know what happened. You’re the only person I wanted to commit to. I will always be loyal to you like you’re to me. Thank you for loving who I am and never judging me. Your acceptance brought me to tears.

𓆩-𓆪

A quote from them:

Thank you for being a blessing in disguise. Usually a disguise isn't a blessing and yet underneath that cold exterior of yours, there was a beautiful blessing. To think you hid behind a wall for your own reason and yet the person underneath was the most beautiful, the most extraordinary person I have ever met. To think you would hide that for your reasons.. well it's okay, I know the reason why now, but remember I will always love you no matter what.

want to give me tips, thank me, pay me, etc for my channeled readings? -> $intuitivesef - thanks :)

Pile 3:

Meeting at the wrong time (heartbreak for both parties)

𓂋 ʚ♡ɞ

Time tests us both, We were broken at the same time, Shouldn’t we call that destiny? I don’t think so—why call it destiny when we were both sad when we met? I broke up with my lover—you dealt with your short coming, We were pulled together; two souls met a sad awakening. Drawing a card, roll the dice, that’s what we are. Just a gamble. That’s what I thought, I thought God was playing with me again, Playing with my heart and shit, I was wrong. Though, I dealt with pain from my last relationship, You came into my life and rocked my world. Made me lose focus on the goal, healing myself, but… I’m glad you did because I didn’t need to heal, I thought I did, but no. I was okay just the way I was because you fell for me too. They say I had a shitty heart, that I was worthless, and such, Yet you said the complete opposite, Sometimes I wonder why you love me, But then I read your little notes, And I see why. You have lit a fire in my soul, Something I didn’t think would come out, Something I was afraid to let out, Yet you made it come out within seconds, Not days, not months… Seconds. Thank you, my dear, my love, my sunshine, If God didn’t put me there, Made me have a breakup, I wouldn’t have gotten to marry you. I’ll say I do every single time.

𓆩♡𓆪

Message from them:

You got me out of my shell and made me the person I am today. If it wasn’t for you, then, oh man, I don’t know who I would be, where I would be, or if I would be alive today. I was struggling with the breakup, the way they said stuff about me ate me alive. I’m a gentle soul, I know that today, but at that time, I had no idea what I did wrong. I know I didn’t do anything wrong and everything was leading me to you, but I think.. I’m kind of grateful for the breakup?? I guess it brought me an awakening of some sort because now I get to call you my wife/husband. How special is that? I get someone who gives me the love I deserve.. the love that saved my life. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. You don’t know how much you mean to me. ❤💙

𓆩-𓆪

A quote from them:

Are we just a gamble? To think I would find someone like you is truly a dream come true, to think someone would love someone as unlovable as me and show me I am worth fighting for…thank you so much baby, from the bottom of my heart.

want to give me tips, thank me, pay me, etc for my channeled readings? -> $intuitivesef - thanks :)

Pile 4:

Childhood friends

𓂋 ʚ♡ɞ

Who would have thought my childhood friend would have become my lover? We were just two kids doing something stupid, Playing around the backyard, Enjoying our meals together without a care in the world, Everything stopped when I had to move. We said our goodbyes, wept our sorrows and moved on. Life had other plans for us. We meet at a party, You came up to me, Said I looked familiar with a faint smile, A smile so god damn gorgeous—I knew. Told you who I was, You had the brightest smile, We still had the chemistry from before, Got to talking again, Fell in love, Got married, Now have a kid.

𓆩♡𓆪

Message from them:

I didn’t think I would ever get married because staying in a relationship wasn’t my thing, but here I am, a mother/father to our child. Crazy, right? But I’m glad because when I moved away, I thought about you every single day. I wasn’t interested in a relationship, I wanted you as kids and I wanted you during that party. And I got you, life gave me you and now you’re mine. I manifested it as a kid, manifested during my teen years, and adult years, and got what I wanted.. you and I’m so fucking happy and blessed. To see you during that moment, my heart sank. I couldn’t believe it and I didn’t want to believe it because how? For you to notice me when we didn’t see each other for a long time shocked me. It still shocks me when I wake up in the morning with you in my arms. Do you ever feel the same way? I always wonder, but I don’t ask. Why would I? I got the person of my dreams and I never want to change that. :)

𓆩-𓆪

A quote from them:

I knew the moment I saw you, it was you and I was right, I got my diamond that I wanted forever. I really did get you, I got what I wanted, I was so patient for you angel face, so patient and I got you, I am so fucking happy, oh my god, darling, my baby…Gosh fucking dang it… I cannot express how good it feels, I just cant- You need to understand how good it feels and I don't even curse, and yet here I am, for you, just because I finally got you. I got you for all for myself and I am so fucking happy.

want to give me tips, thank me, pay me, etc for my channeled readings? -> $intuitivesef - thanks :)

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versegm · 1 year

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Sleeping as a servant is… strange.

Specifically, the act of falling asleep when she doesn’t have the physical necessity for it is… eerie, to say the least. There is no precursor drowsiness, no Morpheus insistently pulling on her eyelids. No; she simply lays down, closes her eyes, and at her will her entire body shuts down. Wide awake one minute, out of commission the next. It’s rather efficient.

“Artoria? Are you awake?”

Getting out of sleep mode is just as efficient.

At the sudden voice, Artoria jolts awake, summons her sword, and blindly stabs in its general directly. She sees its owner jumping backward, landing on all four, and only then does she recognize them.

“Berserker.” She hisses. Their masters may be allied now, but it doesn’t change the fact that they were enemies just yesterday. Shirou may trust them, but she does not.

Berserker straightens their back and dusts their clothes. “Yeah, I suppose I deserved that. Sorry for waking you up, Artoria.”

“Stop calling me that.” Still, she sheathes the sword away. Not like it could do much good against them anyways. Whatever Berserker’s noble phantasm is, the only way she found to get past it was by punching them straight in the face. (Not that they even flinched when the gauntlet broke their nose.)

Berserker blinks. “But its your name.” They tilt sit down, crossing their legs. “Do you not like it?”

“That is not the issue.” (Which is true; she couldn’t care less about her name. Artoria, Arthur, the important part is that she is King.) “This is a Holy Grail War. We are to kill each other. Stop advertising to everyone my true name and subsequent weaknesses.” At least people might take a moment to kink that name to that of the King of Knights. Thanks history for its gendered name, she guesses.

“Ah.” Berserker pauses, then nods. “I will… try. Sorry.”

Saber takes a deep breath. Berserker keeps throwing her off, but they do not seem hostile so far. She spent ten years without letting her emotions get the better of her, she can have a conversation with that servant. “How do you even know that name?” Briefly, she wonders if they might be an enemy strategist, but- Artoria. Not Arthur, Artoria. She can count on one hand the amount of people who called her that, and Berserker looks like neither of them.

“We’ve met. You tried to kill me a few times. I killed you back, so don’t worry, we’re even.” Their gaze is unfocused. They’re looking at her face, but their eyes keep darting back and forth, as if they weren’t quite sure where her eyes are. “Well, it wasn’t you. You never became them. But they used to be you at some point. You know?”

“I really don’t.” She replies honestly. She initially thought they might have met in a holy grail war she has yet to experience, but the way they’re talking about it…

“Mh, okay, let me try again.” Berserker interrupts her train of thoughts. “You know black holes, right?”

She first thinks of a hole in the ground, so deep that one cannot see the bottom. Then the grail unhelpfully provides her with knowledge on actual black holes, and the idea that up there the corpses of stars become swirling all-devouring voids renders her speechless.

“Right. 5th century knight. I’ll get it right eventually. Do you like poetry, Dragon? What about plays?”

“You’re getting off-topic.” Saber says dumbly.

“Get used to it. I can speak in no other way.” It’s a simple sentence, but it occurs to Saber that it is literal. During the last war, Lancelot- it’s easy to forget, because they make full sentences, because they speak and walk and act like a human- but that’s a berserker. They can speak in no other way. This is the only way they have to communicate. “There are ancient roman poems that have completely disappeared. We have no record of them whatsoever. But we still know they existed, because they are referenced in other texts. We can never read them fully, but thanks from the extracts others have quoted, thanks to what others have said about them, we can guess what they were about.”

They point a finger towards her.

“You are the poem. I have never met you. But I have read the extracts. I have met king Arthurs who used to be you, or who could have become you. Does that make sense?”

“… Kind of.” Sometimes, when Saber sleeps of her servant sleep, she feels like she’s seeing a long dream. Sometimes she crawls all the way from Camlann to Camelot’s armory. Sometimes she’s fighting on the behalf of another master. Sometimes there is a girl begging her not to take up the sword. Maybe Berserker has seen people from these dreams, too.

Berserker nods, seemingly pleased with themselves. “But yeah, that’s why I came to see you tonight. I have met so many of you, and seen so many of your knights, and you wield Caster- I wanted to know a little more about you!”

Her heart jumps at the mention of her knights- she doesn’t know what happened to them after… everything. Did any of them survive? Did any of them get to live? Gawain, Bedivere, Lancelot- there’s only a handful whose fate she’s not sure of, whom she dares hope managed to be happy after all this. But their next sentence puzzles her. “Caster?”

They smile. It’s soft and melancholic. “She was… someone dear to me.” They say this sentence with an affection Saber does not know how to describe. Maybe there exist no words at all for this emotion. “You know, the other day, there was no way you could have killed me. I don’t die that easily. But it still means a lot to me that she refused to cut me at all.”

The puzzle pieces fall. The dots connect. Saber understands.

“This…” Slowly, she takes out her invisible sword. “This is Caster?” And then, slower: “This used to be a person?”

“She is a person.” Berserker nods. “She still has thoughts and feelings and opinions. She’s made of thoughts and feelings and opinions. She just also happens to be dead. Like you and me.”

There is a brief pause. And then: “Well, maybe not you. I don’t know if you’re dead yet. Bedivere showed me that I shouldn’t assume. Besides, it’s rude to.”

Saber sets down Excalibur- sets down Caster, on her laps. The blade is cold. Did that metal use to be flesh? Did the gold use to be skin? Who does that- who would be cruel enough to ask a girl to become a sword? Who would be selfless enough to accept it? “Berserker. Will you tell me more about Caster? And Bedivere, and my knights? I… would like to hear your stories.”

Berserker’s eyebrows shoot up to their hairline. “You would listen to me, Dragon? You know how I speak.”

“I would.” Berserker is hard to understand. Their speech is roundabound and their self-awareness nonexistence.

But they have not called her Artoria once since she asked them not to.

“I will listen.” She tells this Berserker who is trying so hard to be understandable. “Please. Tell me of my knights. Tell me of your friend.”

#fate #my writing #lostbelt 6 spoilers

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felizusnavidad · 6 months

Text

"i don't think i'll ever understand musicals the way you do" is something i've heard from one of my friends a couple of days ago when i told him i'm about to cross the whole country just to see one of those (my favourite one!) live in theatre. and i can't blame him. if you'd have told me a year ago that i would do something like that, i'd probably have laughed in your face. life is so unpredictable. i guess i have changed a lot. and i could write thousands of essays about how musicals helped me get through the shittiest period of my life, but we are not going to talk about this today. today we are talking about in the heights, the first musical i got a chance to experience live in theatre, hopefully not last. so grab a cup of coffee and make yourself comfortable, this is going to be the longest essay you've ever seen, friends.

a little warning: spoilers. a lot of them actually. so if, by any chance, you haven't seen/heard it yet and you are going to, don't read it.

first thing i feel like i need to mention is that they had this mini bar inside the theatre and you could order a lot of different drinks there and one of them was called abuela's coffee. i heard one lady explaining to someone that it's actually coffee with condensed milk. my jaw dropped and i was like CAN I STAY HERE FOREVER, PLEASE? for those who don't understand why, here's a quote from the first song:

USNAVI: abuela, my fridge broke, i got café but no con leche ABUELA CLAUDIA: try my mother's old recipe: one can of condensed milk

so this was my first "OH! THEY GET IT!" moment (a little note here: i had a lot of oh, they get it moments, mostly because i don't have any people around me who understand musicals the way i do... honestly, you'd have to live inside my brain). that was the first time ever when i could actually be in the room where it happens with all those people who get it and care about it as much as i do (mostly actors and people responsible for the whole show tho, but we will get to this later).

let's get to the show. so when i finally went inside and i saw the stage, i already had tears in my eyes (don't judge me please). usnavi's store, abuela's door, daniela and carla's salon, all those puerto rican, cuban and dominican flags (one couple behind me was trying to figure out which one is which and it was funny because i knew and i wanted to scream)... listening and memorizing the whole soundtrack is one thing. being able to experience it all live is something else. all those things around me were so familiar and this was the first time in months (MONTHS! OR EVEN YEARS!) i felt really understood. after all, it was all like a little celebration of lin's story (the one i love with all my heart) and i truly felt like home. so that was another OH! THEY GET IT! moment.

i don't think i'm going to talk about every single song here, that's not the point. i will talk about my favourite moments, but also about things that didn't work very well in my opinion (again: this was a polish version so all the songs were translated into polish. and they did a really great job here, surprisingly. but it wasn't perfect, more about that later).

one thing you need to understand is that i will never be normal about musicals so of course i had to burst into tears at the very first song (i don't even know why, i think i was a little bit too excited). i was actually crying in the most random moments like when i first saw nina or at the end of carnaval del barrio because I KNEW WHAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN NEXT (who the hell cries at carnaval del barrio when everyone is having the time of their lives lol, me apparently).

ok, so the first song. the choreography, oh my god. it was everything. the translation was also pretty good here, i need to say this was probably one of my favourite moments. imagine me leaving today giggling like a child when usnavi came on that stage and started rapping, i was in heaven. also, i have to admit, the cast was amazing. i could never imagine anyone better for this role (and again, i am talking about polish actors because everyone knows who's the best usnavi of them all). he was cute and charming and awkward and so adorkable and also really handsome. he was actually perfect in my opinion.

i kinda lost my mind when i saw nina for the first time. first of all: i already knew who was going to play her and let's just say i fell in love with this actress before i even saw her live on that stage. this was important to me, because (as some of you know) nina rosario is my favourite character. and oh my god, she was an absolute perfection. what a voice, sweet jesus. i'm being serious, this girl is so talented, give her every award (i honestly hope i will have a chance to see her again one day, i'm just crazy about her). and breathe was so good! polish version was amazing, i was so scared they would screw it up, but they didn't, so all's good (this song is very important to me, ok?). also, she's a phenomenal actress, i could feel all her emotions for real. and of course i cried, what did you expect?

i don't have that much to say about benny, except that he was really cute and he had amazing chemistry with nina, so once again, the casting was really good. i mean, he is not chris jackson of course, but i have decided i'm not going to compare all those actors because everyone knows at this point how much i love OBC, i was trying to have an open mind. vanessa was also pretty great, amazing voice and her dancing skills, wow, just wow. i could talk about all those actors for days actually, but i'm not going to do that, so i will just quickly mention that i absolutely loved daniela and carla, abuela claudia made me cry, sonny was the funniest character in the whole play and i don't think i will ever recover after piragua guy's performance (i was the only person in the audience who was laughing when he came on that stage, they don't get it, ok? polish people have no sense of humour and that's a fact). actually, there were a lot of funny moments (obviously) and i was the only person who was laughing, god help me.

so let's get to the first thing that was a little disappointing for me. you will not believe it, but it was actually... 96,000 (this is one of my favourite songs and i seriously can't live like this). it's not the translation tho (it was honestly fine), it's the voice overlapping part at the end (again, the best thing ever, just listen to we don't talk about bruno from encanto and non-stop from hamilton and you will understand why it works so well in every lmm's song). the thing is, you could actually only hear vanessa's part and i wanted to die, because EXCUSE ME. i always sing usnavi's part and you could barely hear a word from it. but apart from that, the rest was fine, the choreography was amazing and it's just something i needed to mention because i had thoughts about it.

paciencia y fe! ok besties, i have thoughts, again. abuela claudia was absolutely incredible, also, her relationship with usnavi is something that you can't see in the movie version (they were so sweet i wanted to curl up and die. i knew about it before, i saw slime tutorial with obc on yt, ok? i'm pretty sure lin would be mad at me for watching bootlegs lol. i just wanted to say this). the translation didn't work out at the very end of the song tho, because when in the og version abuela sings about the "winning ticket", everyone knows already she won the lottery. i don't remember polish translation exactly, but it was something with double meaning, depends on how you interpret it, and i'm 100% sure people who didn't know the plot just didn't catch it. the rest of the song was absolutely beautiful tho.

when you're home. i was so afraid of this one, because i am totally crazy about this song (did i ever mention lin wrote this one after one of his first dates with vanessa? no? yes? ok i'll shut up about this now). oh, they did a really great job with it and it's a relief. i have nothing else to say, except that i was crying like a baby, but this song always makes me cry so what did you expect exactly? one of the best moments for sure. again, nina and benny's chemistry was absolutely incredible.

as much as i loved the club, i was actually really disappointed with one part, which is usnavi's famous "jealous i ain't jealous, i can take all these fellas, wHaTeVaaaaa". i've been waiting so long for this! and they messed it up with their stupid cringy translation which i don't even remember at the moment but usnavi was actually mad at benny and he cursed? ANYWAY. the rest of the song was great and the choreography was absolutely phenomenal, oh vanessa! let me get the next one! (i love her so much, she was amazing here). a little note from me: no one was laughing at the "no hablo ingles" part, NO ONE BUT ME!!! THEY DON'T GET IT! WTF! i was so mad (i am aware of the fact that most people probably didn't even know this story before and they just wanted to see a musical, not THE MUSICAL, which is totally fine. but sweet jesus, where is their sense of humour? they left it at home or what?).

and blackout was that part where the voice overlapping effect worked very well, so all's good. actually, one of the best moments for me as well. people were actually so confused when all the lights went down, but that was just so amazing. all the panic! everybody was screaming, crying! WE ARE POWERLESS! THE END OF ACT I!!! oh, i had the time of my life.

i had this weird feeling that they didn't exactly know how to translate most of hundreds of stories so they just made this song shorter than it actually is. which is fine i guess. honestly, it's better than bad translation, so i can forgive them. what i absolutely can't forgive tho is that the audience wasn't laughing at US NAVY. polish people, you have no fucking taste. i said what i said. and then again, usnavi and abuela's relationship was so sweet this song actually made me cry (mostly because i knew what was coming but also, i was just this weird girl who was sitting there in the second row and was crying at the most random moments).

ok, guys, honestly. carnaval del barrio was the best moment from the entire musical. oh, how much i want to experience it again! daniela was absolutely incredible, carla was so sweet, piragua guy stole the whole fucking show for me (seriously guys! he was just so amazing!). also, those little details i have never noticed before? i can't even tell if the same thing happened in the original version (the quality of that bootleg is actually terrible), but benny dancing with american flag somewhere in the background was so fucking funny and i don't think i will ever get over that part where at the end they were all still dancing and celebrating and nina and usnavi just ran away as fast as they could because... because you guys know what just happened. also, this is the moment i started crying.

i was so scared of it. let me tell you one thing, i experienced abuela's death at least fifty times and i still cry every single time. so atención is something i have to mention, because all the emotions and kevin's shaky voice made me burst into tears right away, and this time i wasn't the only one because i saw a lot of people crying when they realized what happened (i also heard a lot of OHs when he said abuela passed away, so yes, most of them didn't know this story and they were surprised). and alabanza was something else. believe me when i tell you i am writing this with tears in my eyes, i have never cried so much in public. this was the moment i was the most scared of and i was absolutely right because holy fuck. i was a mess. all the actors with those candles singing alabanza a doña claudia! (yes, they didn't translate it, all the spanish parts were left like in the original version and i am so grateful for that), it was just so sad and so beautiful. and this time i was actually like oh, they get it now (everyone was speechless and people were crying).

everyone must know at this point how much i adore champagne and i wasn't disappointed (thank god!). once again, usnavi was absolutely adorable here and people were actually laughing this time (also thank god!). how do you get this gold shit off? (my favourite line from the whole musical) was translated really well and the moment when usnavi and vanessa kissed! with all lights on them! this was so emotional and the audience reacted so well! we were all clapping (it was so funny to pretend like i didn't know it was gonna happen haha i was just as excited as all of them and once again i was like OH! THEY GET IT!). 10/10, would recommend.

if you think i wasn't crying during the last song, think again. one thing i absolutely hate about the movie version is that they actually changed the graffiti that made usnavi stay in washington heights, but i'm not gonna talk about that and i'm not gonna talk about vanessa also being there in the movie. in the original version it was a portrait of abuela claudia made by graffiti pete and oh boy, i lost my mind (i knew about it but i still lost my mind because it was absolutely beautiful). i got the feeling it was a little rushed in our polish version, but i can forgive them because it still made me cry. also, at the very end, usnavi did not only finally acknowledge he's home, when the song was over he pretty much told the audience that we are all home right now and may i just say... i felt that. i was home. they made me believe for the first time in my life i was where i belong, and somehow that was everything.

one thing about me is that this is actually all new to me. this was my first musical i saw live in theatre (and also lin's first child, which is exactly how it was supposed to be i think), and believe me when i tell you i've never had this much fun in my entire life, not even at all the concerts of my favourite artists. it was worth every money. it was worth spending 11 hours on the train and 11 more on my way back home, which by the way we should normalize (people are doing crazy things just to see their favourite artists on the stage and it's considered normal, so why can't we consider THIS normal?). anyway, i don't expect anyone around me to understand it the way i do, but i feel like i really found my thing, and it's all because of lin-manuel miranda, our beautiful puerto rican genius. he made me believe musicals can be cool and i truly wish i could thank him for that one day.

and like i said, in the heights is my favourite story with my favourite characters and i listened to it so many times i have memorized all the little details. experiencing it live is something completely different tho and i think it's safe to say this was the best night of my entire life. even tho most of the people in the audience didn't really get it, i finally felt like i was a part of this world created by my favourite genius and for the first time ever i felt understood. so i think i can say that now: i found my island, guys, i'm there, i'm home!

#if you were able to read the whole thing: congrats #also another note from me: i apologize for all those “they get it” “they dont get it”#i swear to god i am not making fun of anyone #you guys just know how much i am into it #and if other people were just there to enjoy it it's totally fine!#not everyone has to be obsessed!#but i am!#so i just wanted to explain it ok?#good.#also i apologize for it being so long but i had so much to say and i still feel like i didn't say everything i wanted #feel free to leave a comment or ask any questions if you want #now if you think i will finally shut up about in the heights on my silly little blog think again #i love it even more now if that's possible #and another explanation: i'm gonna tag this as my countdown because again i want all my ith posts in one place #thank you for your attention #it won't be long now*#why do you write like you're running out of time*#(not gonna tag this as ith cause this is only for my moots cause you guys get it)#(the last time one of my ith posts was seen by people who dont even know what that is i was depressed for days but that's another story)#(iykyk)#(and you know cause you left me tons of sweet messages guys i love you)

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foolondahill17 · 2 years

Text

Dear Mr. Vonnegut,

Transcript (bracketed text are notes from Mrs. Dalton):

[11/15/94, please add date]

[C- please see me after class]

Dear Mr. Vonnegut,

[Introduce yourself here]

We’re supposed to pick our favorite author and write them a letter, or whatever. I don’t have a favorite author because I’m not a fucking [unacceptable language!] nerd, but I thought Cat’s Cradle was the best book we read so far by process of elimination (no offense). I just thought the other books were stupid. My Antonia? Total snooze fest [point taken]. And the story about the tricked-out wallpaper?

I get that it was supposed to “mean something,” but – call me crazy – I think a story should have a good story before you start talking about hidden meanings. Some lady getting locked in her bedroom and hallucinating - that’s a shitty [language!] story. If I were her, I would have just jumped out the window or beat my husband over the head with a lamp. Not that I’m ever gonna have a husband. I’m a dude. But my point is, it doesn’t matter if the story’s secretly some feminist commentary on how we shouldn’t lock up women (see, Mrs. Dalton? I do pay attention) [not quite] if it’s just a crummy story in the first place.

But Cat’s Cradle was a good story, first, before all those messages about how we shouldn’t have gone so crazy with nuclear technology during the Cold War because it might blow up the earth someday. But anyway, the story was good, you get me? It was funny and weird and had all that new age religion and science fiction stuff – kind of like “Star Trek.”

I liked the stuff about Bokonism Bokononism. There’s this real stuck up prissy bitch in class named Marie [very inappropriate to discuss another student like this!] who was really upset that Bokononism was basically saying that all religion is just a bunch of lies people make up to make themselves feel better about the fact that everyone dies. And Mrs. Dalton said that, why did it matter if it was all lies if it still brought people peace? I don’t know, I think I’d rather not be lied to and find peace on my own terms, you get me? But Marie was all like “but Jesus is the truth and the Bible is the word of God.” People like her are all over Texas. I hope we move soon. It’s way too fucking [language!] hot here, too.

My dad’s got this friend who’s a pastor who used to babysit me and my brother all the time. He’s always saying the same kind of stuff Marie is, accept [except] he’s not a jerk about it. He thinks that the evil all around us is proof that there’s good, too. My mom used to think that. She taught me the hole [whole] “when I lay me down to sleep” schtick, but then she ended up dying, anyway, by something so evil you wouldn’t even believe it if I told you.

The foot thing was kind of kinky [??], but one thing I liked about Bokononism was the karass idea. I move around a lot, so I meet a lot of people, and I guess some of them have sorta joined my karass [nice connection to your personal life]. I don’t think we’re cosmically linked like the book was talking about, but I think it’s weird [significant?] that we all met each other even though we normally never would have. Like if Dad never met Pastor Jim, he never would have met Caleb and Bobby [run-on sentence] and then me and Sam never would have spent that summer with Bobby [run-on sentence] and I never would have learned how to replace a catalytic converter [impressive!], which was helpful because I had to do it all by myself on the Impala when Dad broke his arm and I needed to drive [??] Sam to school.

It’s like what Newt said: “life’s just a game of Cat’s Cradle. [end quote] I see what you mean, but I don’t know if I totally agree. It just seems so pointless if you really think about it. Life’s nothing more than interconnected strings [nicely phrase]. It’s…doomful [??]. (My dweeb little brother says “inevitable” is a better word) [It is a better word].

Living in a world where you’re not in control of your decisions seems kinda depressing. I mean, I don’t have a lot of control over where we live or what my dad does for a living, but at least I get to decide to help people. It’s not me who’s trapped inside a story that’s already been written. I’m not some corpse on the highest mountain of some Caribean Caribbean Island, thumbing my nose to God. I’ve got more power than that, right? [A significant question]

Anyway, it ain’t like you’re actually going to read this because I probably won’t get a chance to send it. And Mrs. Dalton won’t get to read it, either, [spoke too soon] because I won’t even be at this school in a week. But there’s nothing else to do while I wait for Dad to get back home. There’s nothing good on TV after 11:00, so I might as well do homework. He said he’d be back in time for dinner, but it’s already 1 AM. [??]

Bye, [Regards,]

- Dean W.

A+, you’re a genious [genius] Mr. Winchester! [haha]

[Passably written, and you followed the assignment well enough, but your language and attitude toward your fellow students are unacceptable.]

*Pages surrounded by doodles of a devils trap, fire, Star Wars logo, book, stick-figures, grocery list (peanut butter, apples, bread, soup, cereal, socks), snail, partly erased cartoon dog, glasses, gun, Scooby Doo, baseball, skull, Samulet, Chevrolet logo, Zeppelin lyrics (‘Twas in the darkest depths of Mordor I met a girl so fair, but Gollum, and the evil one, crept up and slipped away with her), note: Call dentist for Sammy! 555-8451*

#supernatural #spn #dean winchester #young dean winchester #tean dean winchester #kurt vonnegut #spn fanfiction #supernatural fanfiction #ficlet #cat's cradle

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patronsaintofteachercrushes · 22 days

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4/7

feeling a great deal of things today and have been for the past week. it’s hard to make sense of it all. i miss H terribly, but not so much him just the mere comfort of knowing he’ll be there. it’s weird. i still fantasize about him, a lot of my time is taken up by just imagining making him coffee in the morning after waking up in his bed with him or him reading me something while i lay my head in his lap with a soft yellow light on and jazz playing in the other room. but i don’t feel much like i love him anymore. i think it’s neither love nor disdain but a secret third thing.

i’m not really sure what’s going on and i’m not really sure what to make of anything recently. i just wanted to talk to you guys about it. i haven’t been posting as frequently and i miss it. this is such a good outlet for me and i hope that maybe my continued posting (even if it’s not necessarily happy or good) is still helpful to someone out there like some of you guys have written me before.

sorry for any typos again lol

i started wondering what love is, what it feels like, how it behaves. i’ve yet to come to a conclusion about it. i know that love comes in all sorts of different forms and sizes, but how does someone know when they love another person romantically ? i love my friends, i love my sister, i love my dog, i love my bed, i love my shoes, i love a good book, i love tea, i love writing, i love feeling the sunlight on my eyelids, i love going on a drive, i love fiona apple, i love a great deal of things but i don’t love any of these things romantically.

i’ve had multiple experiences in my life where i think i have loved someone that way before, but it’s never lasted. shouldn’t love last ? my love for everything else does. i thought i loved my first “boyfriend”, but i broke up with him after 6 months. i thought i loved L, but it dissipated just as quickly as it came over me. this time, with H, i thought it would be different. i kind of felt like he was the one, you know ? the sort of feeling you get when you meet somebody new and they take a liking to you so you immediately start to like them too and you feel much closer to them than you’ve felt to anyone before. i felt that with H. and i don’t feel that way anymore. he doesn’t care for me much anymore either.

but that doesn’t really explain why i still think about him in the ways that i do. i often imagine living a quiet, domestic life with him where we’re left alone to consume and create together, where we talk and don’t try to be so careful, where i cook for him and he eats it with delight. when he does certain things, i feel a rush of what it was like to love him. i watched him once lift his arms above his head to close a window and saw the dimples on his back. i imagined laying with him and pressing my thumbs into the indents there. i imagine these moments of intimacy so frequently and vividly that it can’t be just based on a fleeting feeling. i must really love him, right ?

i wondered earlier this week if maybe i had deluded myself into believing i didn’t love H anymore the same way i had deluded myself into believing he might love me. is it ever really possible to get over an obsession like that ? if so, is it possible for me then too ? i keep telling myself that he is nothing special and that this was all so pointless but at the end of the day, i still brought him easter dinner and post about him on a tumblr blog almost entirely dedicated to him. i mean whats the difference between loving him actively and loving him in a past tense ?

there’s a quote in ladybird, “you seem to really love Sacramento.” “i do ?” “you write about Sacramento so affectionately and with such care.” “i was just describing it.” “well, it comes across as love.” “sure, i guess i pay attention.” “don’t you think maybe they are the same thing ? love and attention ?” and i’ve been thinking about it a lot. is my incessant imagining of him another form of love ? is that why i can always find connections to him in everything i do or see or hear ? because he’s always somewhere in the front of my mind ? can that be love ? i still feel a softness for him, as i feel for everyone i’ve ever thought i loved before, but i don’t feel for him anymore like i did prior to march 15th when i was sure and confident in my love for him.

i feel like i’m going in circles with him, i’ve felt like this before and i’ll probably feel like that again. when he talked about his spouse that one time, i had the same sort of clarity i had when i saw him for lunch on march 15th. and when he talked about the movie we were watching in class, i felt the way same way as when he called me a naughty girl. i mean i didn’t even let him have a moment to redeem himself after we’d had lunch, i didn’t offer him a second chance and i’m not sure if he really even deserved one because of who he is (both to me and to himself) but i just packed everything up and walked away without a word. i pulled away entirely from him just like how he’s done to me countless times before. originally, it felt like i was giving him a taste of his own medicine, like i was really showing him, but now i just wonder if i did it that way to make him care again. nothing has really been confirmed at all, we still dance around each other most of the time, so its hard to gauge whether or not what i’m doing is right.

but because i pulled away so quickly, i just started to latch onto things that aren’t even really there. when i went dancing with a friend, i flirted and danced with her aunt’s friend from their parish, and then i flirted with the gas station clerk while we bought ice cream afterwards. i even kept going back to the gas station to flirt with him, i was so desperate for a new feeling. i think i missed feeling passionate about someone because my compulsive obsession surrounding H felt like it was ending. it felt good to focus all the emotion i have inside of me onto someone again, but i know that he’s just a man like everyone else. i was drunk the night we went dancing, but is that an excuse ? i feel like instead of recovering and reliving myself from the sickness i had with H i’m really just running from how i actually feel. and i feel like that might be worse than just loving him again.

but he has a partner, and to everyone outside of this perfect bubble i have meticulously curated for myself i am doing something illegal and inappropriate. so i can’t love him. we watched everything everywhere all at once in class, and we got to the scene where waymond says, “in another life, i would have really liked just doing laundry and taxes with you.” and i wondered if he felt that way about him and his partner. i wondered then too if maybe the moments we’d had were temporary lapses in judgment that come from going through something so difficult, something like your spouse having cancer and someone showing you a kindness you haven’t felt in a while. i felt very guilty for feeling how i felt about him during that part of the movie. it reminded me of when he said he was at the hospital with her and how i felt then.

#xi’s diary #female student #male teacher crush #male teacher x female student #tc community #tc feelings #student x teacher #tc blog #tc love #teacher crush #teacher x student

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sapphyreopal5 · 27 days

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I have a problem with saying things without sounding rude, but I promise I'm not being mean: I feel like JD got together with Gen because of his mental health problems, with this I mean that I think he subconsciously thinks he doesn't deserve real love and just stuck with her. I have some best friends who were in these sort of situations (I was in it too) and the more I learn about the couple, the more I feel strongly about this. Also Gen gives me snake vibes...

Hello Anon, thank you for coming by and sending me this ask. I am guessing you may have seen at least some of my more recent posts pertaining to Gen and Jared. I have spoken with a few people in PMs about my views in more depth and have similar sentiments you do. If you have not looked at some of my posts I'll happily link them in this post for your and others' review. I speculated about a month ago actually on Leap Day on my J2 relationship timelines post that Jared and Gen may have had some conflicts with say number of kids they would like and even when they want to start having kids. I believe Gen was more ready and eager to get married and have kids but Jared was more or less... wanting to wait. Of course, a friend just yesterday sent me a video clip where Jared pretty much said "have fun" with conversations of this nature with Gen and confirmed my suspicions: He wants no more kids but Gen does.

I made a noteworthy mention of the palmistry reading Jared received many years ago on a "blind date" he mentioned in one of the old Supernatural magazines back in 2008 that I believe 100% is relevant to what you are saying Anon.

"I believe deep down Jared is afraid of taking an honest look at things romantically (thus all this "extra" shit coming from their way), and it all goes back to this palmistry reading where he was told he will be financially rich but his love life will be bad and confided part of him is waiting for his love life to get messed up. Do note this was from the May/June 2008 issue #4 of the Supernatural Magazine, which was published around the time he broke up with Sandy and not much longer later met Genevieve...."

For anyone that is interested in the direct quote from that magazine about Jared's palm reading, that tidbit states:

"Interestingly, Padalecki has mixed feelings about palm readings. "I went to a palm reader years ago [on a blind date], and I don't remember exactly what she said, but she said I was going to be rich and have a bad love life. And I was like. 'That's crappy. Can you switch it?’ So, good news and bad news. But it was kind of kooky and funny, and she was kind of crazy…" Padalecki hasn't forgotten what the palm reader said, and he confides that a part of him is just waiting for his love life to get messed up." [X]

I also threw in this edit on that post March 13 around 12:04pm EST a couple weeks after I made the post initially that I think also greatly applies to what you are saying here Anon:

"EDIT (added 3/13/2024 @ 12:04pm EST): A good friend of mine brought up a very good point when we were discussing this topic a little after I was done making this post. She brought up how Jared had his first breakdown on the set of SPN while filming the episode "A Very Supernatural Christmas" which was back around Nov or Dec 2007. She said it's possible that given this happened months before Sandy and him broke up it is entirely possible he was not in the "right" mindset when all this dating and breaking up stuff was going on in his life. It should also be discussed in this context how Jared had his breakdown May 14, 2015 while he was in Switzerland alone (Gen had flown home within a day or two before this happened). I don't for a second buy the story she saved his life at any point. I hope some of her stans come at me for saying that because facts hurt, don't they? His so called "hero" flew home before the fact, and didn't stop to think if Jared was doing okay before she did. This trip to Europe in her eyes was a paid vacation to her, point blank. Also, given he was arrested in 2019 while intoxicated and also the bad behaviors on Twitter he's displayed in the past before Charlie seemingly took reign as his and Gen's social media manager, I honestly doubt she "saved" him from anything but being single and alone is about it."

Now for the "snake vibes", alright so I have some interesting things to say about this one. I am going to guess you're not talking about this from any metaphysical standpoint or spiritual point of view but more or less from a general, every day observations point of view. If you want to talk about the "extra" shit I spoke about, I can point you to the absurd Jared kissing her billboard here last summer, post sex (allegedly) photo here from May 20, 2022, and that stupid yet super cringe shower TOWWN ad posted on Valentine's day in 2022, and let's not forget the time Jared quickly deleted a post back in July 2021 (this Tumblr post being from the 31st but am sure this post was made on Jared's page a little before then) because it showed a container of pills and a black dildo besides it, and remade it with the photo cropped out for starters. Some people in this fandom have said that Gen had this photo on her page that was quickly around the same time period. Coincidence? Hmm maybe but I'll bet I know who took the photo to begin with, especially given what this Anon has observed with the Pads' social media behaviors.

Also, I can't stop laughing every time I see the blacked out background photo seen in this post Gen made for her birthday this year. I admittedly also once noticed a notification on my phone that Jared made a post and the caption talking about Father's Day last year in 2023. Like a dummy, I fat fingered and hit the notification before I could screenshot this. Lo and behold by the time I hit the notification it was GONE. However, right after that post was deleted it showed on Ge's page. Hmmm... It's also funny on those posts where they are being all "extra", Jared is no where to be seen "liking" these posts on Gen's Instagram. Also, I find it curious how the original Nowandgen page tagged in some of his posts that Gen once had is now gone and is now taken by a Gen stan named Julie. Hmmm but we are SO in love, aren't we? Also, we all know Jared's toboggan is a source of his comfort, we don't care if he wears this hat. In this Instagram livestream Gen and Jared did talking about the book "Happy Place" by Emily Henry ironically so, in the first couple minutes of the clip you can hear Gen saying "No, don't wear your hat". Don't get me started on the stupid comment I saw below circled in green (totally agree with the comment circled in orange I copied and pasted on this screenshot I took today, April 2, 2024). I've noticed a lot of Jared's more recent posts have been what I suspect are in fact in their guest house not the main house (ex. the "Channeling Walker at Home" post, this SPN family hoodie post), outside, or just not at home.

I listened to a podcast Gen did with Dave Hollis back in Nov 2020 someone sent to me not too long ago, which I posted on March 25, 2024. I talked about this in the context of how Gen just doesn't seem to really like her husband all that much afterall. Please review the highlights of the podcast below again straight from Gen's mouth herself:

4:30 (in the context of Dave and her discovering what really matters to them the most continuing from the last question): "This is the first time I lived with my husband. I know that sounds really crazy but my husband had been filming a TV show for 15 years in Vancouver so when all of this started you know he came down here. He had 2 episodes left and then that was the completion of the series. Personally, it meant that I had to live with him and deal with coparenting which was really stressful like the thought of it. And to make that work, and it was crazy because we were always in this tight bubble with just us and our kids and it really was simplifying. It was you know like the layers are gone. The interference is gone, drama is kinda out the window in a way, and we got to really simplify basic needs. It's so weird how much unlayering we had to do and that's what I'm finding through all of this is a lot of unlayering to get to the core".

7:25 (con't from above) I'm finding creativity in that work and you have to work on, on that relationship and um find creative ways to 'cause you know especially after the two of use have been together for 12 years, we're really different people and you grow at different times and sometimes you are like "I really don't like you right now" and then the other person grows in a different direction and you kind of have to find the balance and that creativity to come back together and that commonality to come back together and you know..."

This must be one of the best parts of the whole podcast right here:

26:25 "I was just talking to someone about this that my favorite relationship with him is a work relationship. Sometimes it's hard to be married to him because he's like, Jared is so interesting because he's so analytical. I mean my husband, I'm going to toot his horn because he's literally one of the smartest human beings I've ever met in my life and it's annoying because he will correct you on words you think he didn't even know. I have a book of SAT words just because I'm like I am going to get him. And so I'll just casually talk about something and use a crazy word in a sentence and he'll be like well you pronounced it incorrectly. It's so frustrating. Also in our marriage he's very giving and emotional and supportive. He's supportive in everything that I've done and I feel really lucky and grateful. I think even more so when it comes to work he is your biggest cheerleader and it's going to be a lot of time together. But funny enough, I think we'll be better at work than sometimes we are at home. Because I'm like, this is how the kids are, this is how I like them, this is the order that I like things in. And it's hard for me to let go I think, at home. But at work, it's just a really nice exchange and I feel really lucky, and he'll sit there too. If he's not working, he'll take it, pull up a chair and talk on the phone and watch at me and I can hear him bragging about me and whether he's doing it for my benefit I don't know but it makes me feel good and I feel really lucky that he does stuff like that."

But but.... we're so in love aren't we?! And let me just say this, maybe Gen really is a snake and is very two faced. What we see on camera is totally different from what really happens behind closed doors. I mean... who puts their young kids in therapy and calls it "brain exercise"?

29:50 "but for us specifically we both are in therapy, actually all of us, the kids are in therapy as well. We feel really strongly like it's a workout. So you know, we know we put so much emphasis on exercise."

Bottom line is, I highly doubt they are in a truly loving marriage. Can't convince me otherwise, what we see publicly is smoke and mirrors. You will rarely see how things truly are when it comes to public figures and most people generally speaking. I'm sorry to hear about your past relationships Anon and hope you have found greener pastures that have stayed greener. I myself have stayed in relationships too long after they stopped serving me in part due to my own mental health issues.

Now onto the spiritual side of things I want to delve into but gotta hit "keep reading" below in case some readers here are not interested in this kind of thing ha ha...

If you are like some of my other followers, I also talked recently about Gen partaking in black magic in multiple posts. Even if you and others find it to be hogwash or superstition, I think we can all agree that the things she talked about in making these so called boxes to "keep the marriage alive" and even keeping a box he used is odd at best and even creepy from certain points of view. I talked about it here with Gen's "snow dance for the gods", as well as this post where I discussed it in further depth and then when I first started speculating on her witchy habits here along that with one of her suspected partners in crime Charlie Capen, their social media manager. Lots of things straight from Gen's mouth also from this podcast she did with Dave Hollis. Some noteworthy things she said with respect to this topic include:

6:15: Dave said "talk a little bit about the ways you have had to be creative in maintaining the relationship that you have, the love that you have with the distance that has historically existed and the complexity of what it means to do the work that you both do. To which Gen responded "yeah I think it's finding the little things and I always enjoyed having a long distance relationship with him. It's kind of silly 'cause like it's in some ways it's like this vacation you have when you're together and then they're gone and so it's almost like super- not superficial but but it's not realistic and when we were apart, what I would do is create boxes. I mean he still has this box from um when we first met he was a port drinker. And he had a bottle of this Pinto port that he loved and so I took the box and I put in you know love letters and n' what have you and then once we had kids you know it obviously gets a little more complicated and you're strapped but just making that time. It's so silly but it's work and you have to treat it as such but without it becoming monotonous I guess.

Even if you aren't into witchcraft or just don't necessarily believe in that stuff, I myself have spoken with a psychic guy who made comments on Jensen's birthday post addressed to Danneel earlier this year who did end up talking to me some about Gen doing black magic herself amongst other things via PM. He said the following things. One of the noteworthy things from below he discussed a "strong protective field so she cannot be exposed". Maybe this relates to why so many people including admittedly himself perceive her as a cheerful, bright person who is a friendly woman. It could also be why I have yet to come across other psychics who have talked about Gen in relation to her doing witchcraft.

Note that this guy isn't in the SPN fandom, he is not a fan of Jensen or Jared's and doesn't actively follow J2 or the wives on social media or anything so much. I chose to share these screenshots crossing out his name and icon, and only showed certain parts of the conversation that are relevant to the topic here (apparently lives across the sea from where I am here in the USA, doesn't speak English and uses a translator to send messages). I do not believe personally Jared will stay with Gen forever, although from a spiritual context, some of what we are shown today can change tomorrow.

I will say that at the direction of my guides, strangely enough a few days before I even started talking to him and he made these comments, I was instructed to make a tarot card reading post I made last summer private. Months ago on this very same post that's now private, I was told also to cross out the parts where I talked about Gen and Jared "working things out" and "rekindling things". I also spoke of a "quiet separation" that won't be public knowledge which I believe is going on. Very interesting stuff, the things our guides know that we don't at the given moment. Hmm..... Thanks for the ask Anon.

#black magic #caught in the act #anti genevieve #anti jarevieve #pada marriage is a mess #psychic messages

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ofstoriesandstardust · 2 years

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break up in a small town (jake “hangman” seresin)

a/n: no one talked me into doing this, my undiagnosed adhd hyperfocused and produced this. i’m gonna write what is a sequel to memory i don’t mess with and this is the prequel in a sense, but you should definitely read that one first if you haven’t read it yet. sets the tone and context and such

mildly inspired by sam hunt’s “break up in a small town”

memory i don’t mess with | when i get where i’m going

main masterlist | top gun: maverick masterlist

warnings: break-ups, slight angst, brief mention of terminal illness, she a shortie, i still don’t know how the military works, i included a lizzy mcalpine quote courtesy of my friend but i’m not telling you who it applies to you have to guess,

word count: 1,211

“and the funny thing is I would’ve married you/if you had stuck around”-lizzy mcalpine, doomsday

Jake loved his little town, he did. He couldn’t even leave his house without the ghost of his past haunting him, memories floating in his peripheral. He was tired of the looks from his friends, the people in town, even neighbors he’d never spoken to since news of your breakup had hit the masses. Everyone had said that it was the two of you till the end of time. And for a while he had agreed, kissed your temple, and talk about how he couldn’t wait to marry you someday. But Jake hadn’t been the one to make the decision to end it had he? Never mind all that though, he wasn't going to waste an unnecessary second thinking about the break-up or how much it had hurt. He wouldn’t think about how angry he was that you had thrown away the relationship before it ever really had a chance, how terrified he was for the day he’d see you again. Terrified he’d leave for the Navy and never see you again. What Jake didn’t expect to hear about was you moving on so quickly. He had thought, assumed, that your relationship had meant more. It had to him. You were his forever and the only girl he considered marriage for. He wouldn’t admit or think about how much his heart broke when he got those all knowing looks from his sister or heard whispers of your new flame in town. He was torn and conflicted and so he settled on not thinking about it all, making the most of his last few weeks at home before leaving for basic training.

Jake couldn’t forget the night it had all ended though, the memory replaying everyday in the back of his head, meticulously picking apart the fight and your relationship for a decision, a choice, a sentence, a word that could have changed the outcome. But you’d made the choice and he couldn’t change your mind. You had stood firm in what you wanted and what the future held for the two of you.

He couldn’t understand why you were upset. He’d enlisted in the Navy just a few days prior, was in the process of going through all of his tests, and after passing them, he’d wait and then get his basic training placement. This wasn’t news to you, all things the two of you had discussed before he’d ever even sent in his papers. But you’d mumbled about seeing Mrs. Thompson, the widow of a Navy officer, in town today, had had dinner with the woman, and were now in some kind of freak-out about him enlisting in the Navy. The two of you had been arguing, but there’d been a pause as the anger seemed to run out of you. You slumped down at a chair at your kitchen counter and Jake followed suit. His hand reached out for you, placing it on your thigh as you held your head in your hands. He shifted some your hair so it was no longer covering your face as he realized you were crying. “Baby, I don’t understand what’s happening.” He whispered, rubbing a thumb across your thigh.

“Jake, I can’t-” He visibly saw the words get trapped in your throat and his heart sank. He knew where this conversation was going. You stayed silent for a few more moments, clearly trying to formulate a sentence around the tears. He’d give you all the time you needed if it meant you would stay. “I’m so scared you’re going to leave and not come back. And I- I’m just supposed to wait here in this stupid town not knowing when or if I’ll see you again?” Jake desperately yearned to take you in his arms, hold you close, let you know that it was all going to be okay.

“Sweetheart, we’ve talked about this. When I leave for basic, I’ll see you afterwards. Once I get my deployment orders, we’ll know more. You’ll be in school, working towards your degree okay? We’re gonna figure it out together.”

“I’m not going.” You muttered. He froze. What? “Mom’s getting too sick, someone needs to stay here and look after Tyler and the business.” He didn’t know that. Why hadn’t you told him that? “Called the school yesterday and officially changed my enrollment notice.” A heavy silence hung in the dim room as he took in the news. You weren’t going to college. Passed up on something that had been your dream to look after your family and here Jake was, getting ready to leave you alone to wherever the Navy would send him. “Jake, it’s not- not just the long distance.”

“Baby, what are you saying?” He knew exactly what you were saying.

“Okay, so we go through basic. And then deployment. And then what? Jake I can’t handle knowing every time you leave me it may be the last time I see you. After losing my Dad, I will not lose you too.”

“Baby, you aren’t gonna lose me.”

“You can’t guarantee that! Jake, you can not guarantee that wherever the Navy sends you isn’t gonna cost you your life!” He swallows. You weren’t wrong.

“I’m gonna do my very best to come home to you baby, I promise. I’ll do whatever it takes.”

“And I’m supposed to sit here, taking care of my baby brother and dying mother, living everyday in fear and anxiety that the next time my phone rings it’s gonna be some Navy officer to tell me my boyfriend is dead? No thanks, Jake. That is an awful way to live and I can’t - won’t - live like that.” His heart pounded in his chest, mind reeling as he took in the severity and sincerity of the words. He knew what was about to happen. “It’s better if we end it now. I’d rather lose you like this, where I get to say goodbye, than lose you like that.”

“Baby, please don’t this, we’ll figure something out I promise, please just don’t-” Jake was desperate, tears of his own starting to form.

“My decision’s been made. You're not changing my mind.”

“But I love you.” He whispered, voice cracking. His head bowed, body shaking with silent tears.

“And I love you.” His heart held out a dangerous flame of hope. “But I can’t force myself to live like that.” The flame of hope extinguished painfully in his heart. “I love you enough to let you go.” He took a deep breath and then stood up from the table, wondering if he should say anything. But you wouldn’t look at him and you were right, your decision had been made. He walked out of your house, shutting the door behind him for the last time, missing the way you whispered goodbye. He slid into his truck, breath catching in his throat. He drove down the gravel road, trying not to think about what he was leaving behind, focusing on ignoring every part of his body that was screaming at him to go back, fix this, don’t let her leave.

He loved her, but he would have to love her enough to let her go.

#jake hangman seresin #jake hangman seresin fic #jake hangman seresin fics #jake hangman seresin imagine #jake hangman seresin imagines #top gun maverick #top gun maverick fic

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goayda · 7 months

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*spoilers here*

Aaaand still on the Disenchantment topic, but spoilers this time. I wasn't expecting the first episode of season 3 (or part 5) to stab me in the heart in the last minute of the first episode with a sad speech (I was just having fun, why do you make me cry like that???). I guess you can hear sad truths in the most unexpected places (like an animated comedy tv show).

(not really sure anybody is actually reading this, but quote under the cut just in case the spoiler tag isn't enough)

Elfo: "You know what they never tell you about grief, Bean?... They never tell you that the worst part isn’t missing the past we had, it’s missing the future we’ll never get. I wasted so much time wanting you to be something else for me I didn’t appreciate what you were. My friend. My best friend. I’m so sorry. From here on now there is going to be a hole in the world where you were supposed to be. Goodbye, Bean."

*This is immeditely followed by a tearful, lovely reunion, but it still broke my heart a little.

#disenchantment season 3 #disenchantment #disenchantment part 5 #disenchantment spoilers #elfo #princess tiabeanie #grieving #grief #cartoons that break your heart when you least expect it

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vivian-shiftss · 2 days

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our polycule (me, anthony, lucy, george) + other people in my dr as incorrect quotes (can be read as either platonic or romantic since we seem to blur those lines constantly) - as inspired by the lovely @zipperrants

edit: i may have gotten carried away. enjoy!

george: if you had to choose between kipps and all the money I have in my wallet, which would you choose?

anthony: that depends, how much money are we talking about?

quill: lockwood!

george: 63 cents.

anthony: …I’ll take the money.

quill: LOCKWOOD!!!

lucy: we’re playing scrabble. it’s a nightmare.

vivian: scrabble? scrabble’s great.

lucy: not when you’re playing with george, it’s not. he puts words like “ephemeral” and I put “dog.”

vivian: what are you eating?

george: you wouldn't like it, it's really salty.

vivian: I like you, don't I?

anthony: be careful, I thrive on negative attention.

lucy: okay, who's turn is it to give the pep talk?

vivian: it's anthony's turn.

anthony: don't die.

flo, wiping a tear away: truly inspirational.

vivian, gesturing to barnes: anthony, look what you did! you made mom upset!

george: mom, please don’t cry, we’re sorry!

anthony: i'm sorry mom... :(

barnes, near tears: I DON’T REMEMBER GIVING BIRTH TO ANY OF YOU!

vivian, to george: you're starting to forget your spanish. you don't practice.

george: lo siento. estoy embarazada.

vivian: you just told me you're pregnant.

anthony: congratulations george, you're glowing!

quill: you saved me! why?

anthony: people would think I murdered you if I didn't.

*anthony is cleaning the house and they find an empty bottle of orange juice*

anthony: clear orange juice?

anthony: oh, it's empty.

george, who has been watching the entire time: I live with an idiot. I live with an idiot. I live with an idiot.

george: do you want some tea?

vivian: what are the options?

george: yes or no.

*vivian is talking about her past*

vivian: I guess it was that day I came home to a cold, empty house, devoid of light and love, and I knew then that my sorrows would only grow.

george: vivian, this is the saddest life story I have ever heard! and you haven't even covered the teen years!

lucy: oh, i'm sure it gets better!

vivian: ha! no, at eleven, things really took a turn for the worst.

lucy, playing a video game: how do I play?

*lucy has drawn first blood!*

*lucy is on a killing spree!*

*lucy is on a rampage!*

*lucy is unstoppable!*

*lucy is dominating!*

*lucy is godlike!*

lucy: don’t worry guys, I figured it out.

lucy: i'm going to take a shower, i'll be right back.

anthony: why are you telling me this, I don't care.

anthony, right after lucy leaves the room: I miss her already.

vivian: bottling up negative emotions is bad for your health, so you shouldn't do it.

anthony: I know, that's why I bottle up all my emotions, both positive and negative, so it cancels out.

lucy: th-that's not how that works-

anthony: when I said you should try being friendlier this isn't what I meant.

george, stirring a cup of tea aggressively: oh, so now I'm TOO friendly? there's no pleasing you.

flo, who broke into their house an hour ago: two sugars please.

george: coming right up.

lucy, to vivian: you wanna fight? all right, let’s take this outside. the stars are so bright tonight and the moon looks so nice. here, hold my hand—

vivian: oooh, a train!

george: we’re in a train station, viv.

#shifting #reality shift #shifting realities #reality shifting #shiftblr #vivian shifts #desired reality #this is about my lockwood and co dr btw #lockwood and co dr #lockwood and co shifting

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jacktoria4ever · 1 year

Text

Tornado Warnings. Part one???

Rafe Cameron x kook!!fem!!reader

A/n:I wasn't really sure the lyrics of this Sabrena Carpenter song in the first place but I did some research and I'm so glad one of recommended this. Thank you!!! And if you want more just tell me

And I do not proofread so I'm sorry in advance about the grammar and yes English is my first language but I'm just lazy.

Warnings: fluff, Rafe being cute and drunk at the same time, nice Rafe 🥵🥵, swearing. not much more💙💙💙

Staring off into space wondering what you should say sucks sometimes because you want to tell your therapist about the last time you saw him but...you don't instead of telling the truth and saying "We might have kissed." You say "I haven't seen him since the break up." Still wondering if you should say his name knowing if his name is brought up by either of you you would start crying your eyes out.

"Are you sure?" Your therapist says definitely not believing your last statement.

"What is that supposed to mean?" You say getting defensive at the question. Of course you don't want to tell your therapist that you hooked up with your ex who you've said you hated since you broke up.

She raises her eyebrow at the statement not knowing what to say next because she knows for a fact you will deny every accusation directed toward you. "Y/n, you're going to need to put Rafe in the past soon."

Y/n, getting ready to fake cry to make it seem like she cares but knows that she could just stop talking and leave anytime. "I-I don't know if I'm ready for that." You say completely faking but your therapist certainly can't tell and you can see that from her attentive look you are still trying to read because she makes this face so much amd you still don't know what I actually means after 4 years of weekly therapy.

You sit in uncomfortable silence for a while until her alarm goes off telling her that your appointment is over and it's time go get ready and go home. You've never stayed that late but today felt different. You leave the building and climb in your car and the first thing you do is check your phone and as always there is a text from Rafe saying "when do you get home? I want you."

You drive away smiling at the message when your phone dings again. This time it's a text from your best friend JJ Maybank saying "I just saw Rafe at the Club are you okay if I tell you what he said?" Looking at it wondering "what the hell?" But you can't respond because you're driving you decide to call JJ instead. "Hello?" JJ says in his goofy voice he uses when he talks to you. "Hi...?" You say unsure as to why you really HAD to call him.

"So do you want me to tell you what he said?"JJ asked truly curious.

"Uhh...I guess?"You say still confused. "You better hurry up. I'm almost home and I'm having some people over for dinner" you come up with quickly not knowing if he believes it you're still proud of yourself.

Oh okay...anyways he said and I QUOTE drunk off his ass "I miss y/n" Like What the actual hell does that mean? Right?" He says in disbelief.

You just having to go along with it say "yeah that is really weird" dragging your words for a little bit before you get to your front soon and start grabbing your keys from your backpack. "Okay I have to go guest's will be here soon and I still need to clean up a little bit byeeee"

Okay. I love you by-" he says as he gets cut off by the beep telling him you hung up in a rush.

As soon as you hang up you text rafe to hurry up because you're finally home amd he quickly jumps in his truck and speeds across the two block between your houses wondering why he didn't just run he knocks on your door and as he waits impatiently for you to open the door he starts yelling at your camera you have by your front door "Hurry up! I need to touch you!" He says with his words slurred and stumbling just a bit. And as you open the door you see him almost fall on top of you.

"What the hell, Rafe?" You say truly worried.

"Heyyy babyyyy! How wass youur dayyyy? Sluring every other word unknowingly. You sit him down on the bottom step of your stairs in the foyer to your house.

"Hey, hey, hey. What happened handsome?" You say absolutely confused but also happy that JJ knew exactly what happened.

Rafe shocked you called him handsome looks at you in complete adoration and love "HI Beautiful...nothing happened I just had.......a lot of tequila." He says while counting on his fingers and raising all of them to show you he doesn't know how many.

"Babe! You can't do shit like this to me and forget to mention it." you say sternly so he knows you're talking to him.

"I'm sorry baby! I just wanted to say I loved you." He says trying to sober up a little bit so he can smile without the influence of alcohol.

You laugh at his attempt at charming you. "It's okay. Hey, let's get you washed up and in bed. Okay?" You say softly knowing how bad of a headache he'll have in the morning.

"Okay." He says already drifting off to sleep.

"Nope! Come on Big Boy! You need a shower first and then we can cuddle and watch movies all day tomorrow." You say knowing neither of you have work or school tomorrow.

He smiles and nods his head in response because he is wayyy too tired to answer as of right now.

The next morning you wake up to an empty bed. You get up and slowly and quietly walk down the stairs, turn into the kitchen and lean on the doorway to the attached dining room just staring at the bare back facing toward you.

You can't help but just stare for a few minutes blacking out shortly after and you come to your senses with Rafe standing in front of you with his arms wrapped around your waist. "Good morning, Beautiful." He says with a sleepy smile.

"Hello. Why are you up so early?" You say with a quizzical look on your face.

"Sweetheart, it's 2pm." He says wondering how long you were awake last night.

"Oh, well, Good Morning to you too." She says with a small still half asleep smile. "What are you making for breakfast?" You say needing answers as to why your ex boyfriend/little hookup is snooping around your kitchen cooking you breakfast after he came to your house drunk last night.

"I wanted to be nice. Is that so bad Pretty Girl?" He asks truly curious. You stare off not knowing what to say.

"Sorry, I know your trying to get better but why were you so drunk last night?" You ask wanting to know what happened for him to leave his 2 months of sobriety for a whole night of drinking just to be happy the next day and act as if nothing happened.

"I don't know. I think it was about you not answering my text last night, maybe." He says ashamed at his prior actions.

"Babe, I was at therapy and didn't see your text until I was home. Okay?" You say with a tad of empathy in your eyes but then again he is a legal adult and should know better.

"Oh, sorry." He says asking himself why he did it mumbling to himself so fast not even an auctioneer could tell what the hell he just said. You walk over to the cabinet above your dishwasher to grab a few plates from the top shelf and when you seem to struggle you feel a large set of hands on your waist lift you and place you about a foot away from the cabinet. He reaches up and grabs the plates. And slowly inches you toward the dining room so you still don't know what's for breakfast.

He brings in a large stack of Chocolate chip pancakes and a bottle of syrup. When he sets everything down he walks away back to the kitchen doing this all while being completely silent and when he walks back in he's holding a large bowl full of your favorite mix of fruit (you can tell me which fruit you want and I'll eventually make a little run down of EVERYTHING about y/n if you just dm me or send me an ask about it I will do all of it if I see yours first like favorite color fruit etc.) When he sats down the bowl in front of you he places a slight peck to your forehead and you act like you pass out to cover the fact that you're blushing at the action.

"Princess, Are you okay?" He says truly worried about your head being stuck down because you refuse to look up at him.

"Fuck!" You say looking up terribly red. He just smiles at you realizing why you're bright red.

"I'm sorry, Beautiful. I didn't realize that's why you suddenly became so shy." He says attentatively toward you.

"It's okay I just wasn't expecting that kiss. Thank you for breakfast by the way." You say genuinely grateful.

"Brunch, Beautiful. It's brunch." Rafe says Matter-of-factly. You look at him and roll your eyes sarcastically.

"Fine! Brunch!" You say enunciating oddly.

"That's better. How was therapy yesterday?

You look at him with an awkward smile "it was..." You stop wondering what the hell to tell him "It was therapy for sure." You look at him after saying that with the most uncomfortable, disappointed 'why did you ask' kind of stare.

"Babe...what does that face mean?" He asks genuinely curious not knowing what to say next.

"I...I don't know, honestly." You say absolutely positive you DO know.

"Okay...hurry up and eat. I want to watch a movie." He says urgently.

"Which movie?" You say really scared as to what movie he has chosen to make you watch.

"Mmm" He says to think for a little bit longer not expecting such a fast response to his statement.

"Mmm what? What is happening in that odd brain of yours?" You say quietly after a few seconds of comfortable silence.

"I know what movie we're going to watch." He says suddenly. Acting weirder rhan normal.

"Okay...?" You say after wondering what kind of weird-ass stuff he's doing.

Sorry it's a little bit everywhere didn't really know what to do bc this was my first story so...yeah! If you enjoyed please let me know and do the same if you want more too. I was kinda throwing this together over the span of like...4 days? Idk. Hope you liked it bye<333

#rafe x y/n #Adorable rafe #rafe fanfiction #rafe fluff #rafe cameron x you #rafe cameron

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a-reader-and-a-writer-for-all · 2 years

Text

End of The Line

Fandom: Marvel, Avengers, Bucky Barnes, Winter Soldier

Word Count: 2260

TW: Zombies, Hurt/Comfort, Main Character Death, Implied Reader Death, Friends to Enemies

Bucky found you curled up in a window seat in one of the empty cars near the back of the train. You had a far-off look in your eyes as you stared at the landscape flying by outside. Bucky sighed as he walked over and sat in the seat next to you, gently taking your hand. You looked over and gave him a small smile.

“Hey.”

“Hey, doll. You okay?”

“Yeah, I just needed to get away for a little while. Being around everyone can be a little overwhelming at times.”

Bucky scoffed. “Tell me about it.”

“And don’t get me wrong, I love the kid, but….. the way he treats this whole situation sometimes….” you trail off, shaking your head.

“I know. He’s just trying to stay positive, but he needs to learn to read the room.”

You both sat in silence for a moment before you whispered, “Hey, I’m sorry about Sam. Okoye told me what happened.”

Bucky sighed. “I mean, I feel bad of course, but I never really got the chance to know him that well. I guess he had gotten close with Steve, but honestly, I only met him a couple times. Just once kicking his ass as the Winter Soldier, and then again in Berlin. He stuck his neck out for me and I’m grateful to him, but you knew him better than I did. And besides, we technically lost him weeks ago. That thing wasn’t really him anymore, just something the virus made him into………… But I’m sorry about Happy.”

You nodded sadly. “I mean, it always hurts to lose someone else, but ever since Tony……. Well, Happy and I had gotten even closer recently. So, yeah, this one hurts a bit more.”

Bucky knew that as the SHIELD agent assigned to keep an eye on Tony when he had first become Iron Man, you had known Happy for almost ten years. You had always spoken very highly of him and thought he was an often forgotten or overlooked asset to the team. He had also been the last remaining link you had to that part of your life. First Tony, Nat, and Barton, then Rhodey and Pepper, and just a few days ago, Fury had fallen. Happy had been your last link to your pre-Avengers life and now….

Bucky wrapped his metal arm gently around you and pulled you close to his side. He knew, through everything, you always tried putting on a brave face. You never let yourself break down as you tried to be the rock the rest of the team could lean on. However, he also knew that because of this, you blamed yourself that much more for every person they lost. As you sadly laid your head against his shoulder, Bucky wished he could take some of that burden from you. He wished he could just get you to stop worrying about everyone else for a moment and just focus on yourself.

“Speaking of the kid, did I tell you he broke into my shower with Kurt last week to film one of those stupid survival videos?”

You looked up at Bucky, slightly confused. “No, I would have remembered if you’d mentioned that. Why did they want to film in your shower?”

“Apparently, hygiene is very important because zombies are attracted to pheromones produced from human flesh. However, people are, and I quote, ‘never more vulnerable than when you’re in your birthday suit’. So, Kurt ripped open the curtain while I was showering and tried one of his sneak attacks on me.”

You exploded with astonished laughter. “Wait, wait, wait…. So, you’re telling me they ambushed you in the middle of your shower? Like completely naked, all soaped up? And this is the moment Kurt tried to attack you?”

“Pretty much, yeah.”

“And you let them live? Oh my god, I’ve got to see this video!” You chuckled, a dazzling smile stretched across your face. It was the first time Bucky could remember seeing you truly happy since all of this started. Reaching out, he placed his free hand lightly under your chin as he pulled you in. When your lips met, Bucky could still feel the smile on your face.

When he eventually pulled away, you rested your forehead against his and whispered, “Thank you.”

“For what, doll?”

“For everything. For picking me up when I need it most. For reminding me there is life beyond all this pain and suffering. For just being you.”

“I’m the one who should be thanking you," he said. "You met me at my lowest point and yet somehow saw past the terrible things I had done to see the man that I used to be, that I wanted to be again. You helped me to be strong enough to face my past while also striving for my future. You gave me something to fight for, and I promise to keep fighting for you every single day, fighting for us.”

Bucky pulled your lips into his once more but while your last exchange had been sweet and tender, this one was passionate and hungry. The two of you had spent months alone together in Wakanda while Bucky was being deprogrammed but this was the first time since the virus started that you had allowed yourselves such an intimate moment. Every frantic kiss pulsed with affections that were too complex, too intense to put into words. Each caress was filled with endless love and devotion as you each tried to express what the other meant to you. As you tangled your fingers into Bucky’s hair and pulled him deeper into you, a moan rumbled in his throat. Sliding your lips to his ear, you breathed, “Hey soldier, how about we –”

A sudden scream from the back of the train brought you both to your feet in seconds. “Sharon,” Bucky exclaimed as he took off towards the sound, you close on his heels.

Bursting through the door of the caboose, the two of you stumbled to a halt. There was little you could do but watch in dismay as the dark form hunched over Sharon’s unmoving body bent to take another bite out of her neck. Even in the dim lighting, you both recognized the intruder.

“I think you’ve had enough, Cap.” Bucky said as he stared miserably at what was left of his best friend. Even with the blueish-green skin, the patches of decayed flesh, and glowing yellow eyes, Bucky could still see the man he used to be and he hesitated. Despite the comment he had just made to you about these creatures no longer being the people they once were, he couldn’t help but wonder. The entire reason they were even on this train was in the pursuit of a cure. If there was one, if they could find it, was there still a way to save Steve?

But then he felt your hand rest softly on his back and Bucky snapped back to reality. It ultimately didn’t matter if there was a way to save Steve. Right now, this virus was making him a threat to the train full of people Bucky cared about, and Bucky wasn’t going to risk losing anyone else on the small chance that a cure might eventually be found.

Besides, the Steve he knew would have never hurt him. In fact, Steve had almost let Bucky kill him when Bucky had been the Winter Soldier just because he refused to give up on his best friend. And, truthfully, Bucky was still willing to die for Steve. If his death meant that Steve would miraculously return to his former self, he would have laid down his life in a second. But the reality of the situation was if Bucky didn’t fight back, it would not only mean his death, but there was a good chance it would mean the death of everyone else on the train. Fighting one undead super soldier was going to be hard enough, fighting two would be next to impossible. So, against every instinct in his body, Bucky raised his gun at the fallen hero.

The creature that used to be Steve (it was easier for Bucky to think of it as a creature than his friend) snarled when it noticed the two fresh new victims at the other end of the train car. It raised an all too familiar shield, dripping with blood and gore, and charged towards its next meal. Bucky opened fire as he rushed to meet him. The bullets bounced harmlessly off the shield and the two soldiers soon collided in a tangle of fists and metal. The creature still had all of Steve’s former knowledge and abilities but with an added savagery to his fighting that Bucky wasn’t expecting. Several times gnawing teeth just barely missed grazing Bucky’s skin. Finally, Bucky found an opening and kicked the creature firmly in the chest, sending it flying backward.

Just then, the thing that had once been Sharon Carter lunged at Bucky’s side. Using his metal arm, he effortlessly threw her to the ground behind him. He heard a shot and, glancing back, he saw you put two more bullets into its head. However, this momentary distraction was enough for creature Steve to once more charge at Bucky, sending them both toppling to the floor. Bucky struggled frantically to keep the chomping jaws away from him, but the virus had made the creature too strong. Just as Bucky thought he was done for, you launched yourself at the creature. You cried out as your momentum sent both of you skidding across the floor towards the open rear door. As soon as you came to rest, you rolled quickly to the side to escape the creature, but it stood and began advancing on you.

“Hey!” Bucky yelled. The creature turned towards him with a growl. Ripping the shield from its arm, it chucked it hard at the soldier. Bucky caught it with ease and whirled it back the direction it came from. The creature didn’t even react as the shield sliced cleanly through its body before lodging itself in the doorway of the train. Bucky took one last look at his friend as Cap split in two and tumbled from the train. He slowly walked over to the door and looked out. “Sorry, pal. I guess this is the end of the line.”

And with that, Bucky yanked the shield from where it was wedged in the doorway. He stared down at it mournfully for a moment before securing it carefully to his back. He knew that someone had to carry on Steve’s legacy, but he had never wanted to carry the shield. He hadn’t wanted to carry it even back in 1945 when Steve had first received it or when, months later, he had been forced to use it on that train in the mountains. Right before his life went to hell. God damn, he hated trains!

“Bucky….”

He turned away from the door and his heart stopped in his chest. Your arm was outstretched and Bucky could clearly see the deep, bloody imprint of Steve’s teeth on your skin. He rushed to your side, desperately chanting, “No, no, no, no.”

“I’m sorry. He had you pinned down, and I thought I could…… He was just too fast.”

Bucky could feel your skin already becoming cold and clammy beneath his fingers, the virus circulating quickly through your body, helped by all the adrenaline in your system. He prodded the wound gently with his metal fingers. “Does it hurt?”

“At first, but now it’s just kind of numb…… and it is spreading.” You looked up at him with wide, teary eyes. You both knew what this meant, but neither of you wanted to be the first to say it.

“You’ll be fine. Do you hear me? We should be at Camp Lehigh soon and they’ll have the cure. You just need to hold on a little longer and we can fix this.”

“Bucky, there’s not enough time. The virus is progressing too quickly. I can feel it.” You gazed longingly at him, resting your hand gently on his cheek as you tried to memorize every inch of his face. At that moment, all he wanted to do was sweep you up in his arms, press his lips against yours, and never let go. He wanted to go back to the way the two of you had been just moments ago, wrapped in each other’s loving embrace. And he could see that you felt the same way. But you both knew that the virus mainly spread through saliva, and that even the smallest peck could doom Bucky to a similar fate.

So instead, you backed away from him, stopping only once you were framed in the doorway he had just knocked Steve out of. “I need you to do something for me, okay? Don’t give up. There are other people here who need you to fight for them, just as hard as you have always fought for me. I know you can do this. You were strong before we met, and I need you to stay strong after I’m gone. Please, promise me.”

Bucky stared at you, a look of longing and pain etched on his face. “Doll…. Please…. I’ve lost everyone else I love, I can’t lose you too.”

“I’m so sorry, Buck. I love you so much, but don’t you get it? You already have.” And with that, you leaned back, allowing your body to topple off of the train.

#sfw repost #fic #bucky barnes #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes x you #winter solider #winter solider x reader #winter soldier x you #sebastian stan #captain america #marvel #what if #marvel what if #zombies #bitten tw #zombies tw #main character death tw #reader death tw

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