#that whole thing could lead to an interesting discussion but lets be real. let's be SO real they'd be friends
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love looking at the "who would win in a fight" memes and going "they'd all be friends and have tea NEXT"
#eden mrraps.#that whole thing could lead to an interesting discussion but lets be real. let's be SO real they'd be friends#like a spar would be more likely. who'd win in their first friendly spar.#bc it'd actually be a lot more thoughtful than 'who'd win in an honest to god fight.'#how would this character hold back in a friendly spar with someone of a similar nature to them.#how would they react if they accidentally hurt that person. because like the last post i reblogged#doom guy if he actually hurt the other person he'd probably help them up and see if they're okay. and while he might not admit it#he might be heartbroken bc my man lost his family!!! and he could've lost a friend of his just now so he's worried for them!!!!#its always more interesting to see how a character reacts to genuine kindness than aggression.#because with samus and doomguy we KNOW how they'd react to it we've seen them react to it.#but how would they react to having a friend who cared for them and understood their struggles?
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Ooh! A wonderful interview with Rich Keeble who played Mr. Arnold (the one with the Doctor Who Annual :)) in S2! :)❤
Q: In Good Omens 2 you play Mr. Arnold, who runs the music shop on Whickber Street. Were you a fan of Good Omens before joining the cast, and is it challenging to take on such an iconic story which is already loved by a huge fanbase?
A: “There’s always pressure if you’re working on something with an existing fanbase and people might have an idea already as to how you should be approaching something. To be honest I was aware of the show but I hadn’t actually seen it before I was asked to get involved. I knew it was something special though! I remember talking to Tim Downie [Mr. Brown] about how when you tape for certain things you know if something’s a “good one”. Of course by the time I was on set I’d watched Season 1 and read the book.
I had an interesting route into the show actually: I was asked at the last minute to read the stage directions at the tableread on Zoom, and Douglas [Mackinnon] the director called me up to discuss pronunciations of the character names etc. To prepare further I quickly watched the first episode on Prime Video, and I was very quickly drawn into it. A couple of hours later I was on a Zoom call with David [Tennant], Michael [Sheen] (with his bleached hair), Neil [Gaiman], Douglas and the whole team, including Suzanne [Smith] and Glenda [Mariani] in casting. After that readthrough I asked my agent to try and see if she could shoehorn me in and she came back with a tape for Mr. Arnold saying “you play the piano don’t you…?” They wanted me to demonstrate my musical playing ability, so I rented a rehearsal studio room in Brixton for an hour and filmed myself playing piano (and drums just in case), then I did my scenes a couple of different ways and I guess it wasn’t too terrible!”
Q: During episode five you mimed to music written by series composer David Arnold alongside a real string quartet – this must have been very immersive! How did it feel to work with David, and bring the ball to life?
A: “I actually didn’t meet David Arnold sadly, but I did work with Catherine Grimes, the music supervisor who is lovely. David was at the London screening but I missed an opportunity to go and say hello to him which I kicked myself about.
I remember before I was in Scotland there was a bit of uncertainty as to whether I would need to play anything for real or not, so I practised every day playing loads of Bach and other music I thought was era-appropriate just in case they asked me to do anything on the fly. So yes, it was very immersive as you say! They sent me three pieces of music to learn which I practised in my Edinburgh apartment on a portable folding keyboard thing I bought. They introduced me to the string quartet (John, Sarah, Alison and Stephanie) and I tried to hang out with them when I could. On the day we all had earpieces to mime to. I had to mime while listening out for a cue from Nina [Sosanya] from across the room, then deliver my dialogue and carry on playing, which was tricky! The quartet and I helped each other out actually: Douglas would say something like “let’s go from a minute into the second piece of music”, I’d look at the sheet music and whisper “where the hell is that?” and one of the quartet would say “we think that’s bar 90” or something. Here’s a little bit of trivia: the shooting overran and the string quartet couldn’t make the last day, so they found some incredible lookalikes to replace them for the scene when we get lead out of the bookshop through all the demons, although I think they also kept them deliberately off camera.”
Q: What did you think of your music shop when you first saw the set? Did you have a favourite poster or prop?
A: “I thought it was incredible! It could’ve been an actual music shop with all the instruments hanging up with the “Arnold’s” price tags on. The attention to detail was incredible, well IS incredible as I understand it’s all still there. It’s hard to pick a favourite to be honest. I did a little video walkaround on my phone at the time so maybe I’ll post that if I won’t get in trouble. Interestingly the shop interior itself was elsewhere on the set to the shop entrance you see from the street. You walk out of Aziraphale’s shop, over the road, through the door of the music shop and… there’s nothing.”
Q: Mr. Arnold is tempted into the ball by a Doctor Who Annual and is playing the theme in the music shop scene – are you a fan of Doctor Who in real life? And what was it like making those jokes and references in front of the Tenth Doctor David Tennant?
A: “I’ve always dipped in and out of Doctor Who over the years since Sylvestor McCoy, who was doing it when I first became aware of it when I was growing up. Even if you’re not a fan it’s one of those shows you can’t really get away from, so doing that particular scene in front of David was really fun, and of course Douglas had directed Doctor Who as well. Apart from the amusing situation of two supposed Doctor Who fans talking about Doctor Who without realising they’re in the company of a Doctor Who, I also seem to remember Michael being the one to suggest that he would deliver his “due to problems at the BBC” line directly to David.
Oh, and I think it was actually my idea to grab the annual off the harpsichord before joining the queue behind Crowley at the end of the ballroom scene (which we’d shot weeks earlier at this point). When we were blocking it out and rehearsing I knew I had to leave my position and get to the front for my “surrender the angle” line, and then later it just felt like I wouldn’t leave without the annual so I ran back through everyone to grab it. Nobody seemed to have a problem with me doing that so I just carried on doing it when we shot it! I do remember it being a fun set with Douglas and the team being very open to suggestions.”
Q: How did you balance filming both Good Omens and BBC Ghosts at the same time?
A: “Luckily both shows were a joy to work on, and everyone seems to know about both of them. We were shooting them in early 2022 and I also had a little part in an ITV drama called ‘Stonehouse’, starring Matthew Macfadyen. I usually never know when I’m working next so to have three great TV jobs at once was very unusual. There was all this date juggling and I actually almost had to turn down Ghosts due to clashes. Luckily both shows had to move some dates so it worked out. But yes, I spent two weeks up in Scotland shooting all that Good Omens ballroom stuff, then I came back down to London to do Ghosts, knowing I’d be back up to shoot my scenes in the music shop in a couple of weeks. Now, when I found out who was playing my wife in Ghosts I couldn’t believe it: Caroline Sheen – Michael Sheen’s cousin! She was amazing and that was another great set in general. I say “set”, but it’s all filmed in that house which surprised me. I’d worked with Kiell [Smith-Bynoe] and Jim [Howick] before, and Charlotte [Ritchie] was in the Good Omens radio play a few years ago and a big fan of the book. Charlotte’s very musical of course and we got talking about my folding keyboard I had for practising my Good Omens stuff, and she ended up setting it up in the house for us to have a play on!
Now, when we’d shot all our internal scenes there was this big storm forecast, and our external scenes were scheduled for the day of the storm, so that had to be moved into the next week. It meant I ended up shooting those scenes outside the house, then going straight back up to Scotland to shoot the Good Omens music shop scene the next day! When I mentioned to Michael I’d just worked with Caroline he said “ooh she’s in Ghosts is she!” and revealed that she’d texted him about me which was rather surreal. Then later after the Ghosts wrap party Kiell gave me a part in his Channel 4 Blap, so at the time I felt like I was killing it career wise, but the industry quietened a bit after that and my workload eased off over the year so I was in my overdraft by November.”
Q: What are your plans for the future – can we expect to see you in something else soon?
A: “This year, after a bit of a quiet start, I was very fortunate to work on a Disney+ show called Rivals which stars… David Tennant! I think I’m allowed to say my character is called Brian, and I shot five episodes so that was another really amazing job, and great to work with David again (I told him he must be my good luck charm, although I hope he’s not sick of me). That should be out at some point in late 2024. Other than that I’ve filmed a few other bits I presume will be out next year, one of which is called Truelove on Channel 4 which actually looks really good. That starts early January. Of course now Season 3 of Good Omens has been greenlit, I would love Neil and the gang to have me back on that… but I can only keep my fingers crossed!”
#good omens#gos2#season 2#swirlywords#rich keeble#mr arnold#2ep5#2i5i4#2i5i15#bts#photos#bts photos#interview#rich keeble interview#rivals#skittles#eric#disposable demon#paul adeyefa#ann louise ross#demon skittles#donna preston#mrs sandwich#tim downie#mr brown#magic shop#fun fact#s2 interview
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Sick day
Self-Aware! Fyodor Dostoevsky x GN! Reader
Description: It's summer and, somehow, you became sick. Fyodor is here to look after you.
Fluff. Little Sick fic.
Semi-Sequel to Shopping trip and Surprise.
Warning: OOC. English is my second language.
You groaned and woke up. You felt terrible and had a headache, your nose was stuffy, and your throat were sore. Moreover, you were shivering, like crazy.
For the whole evening, you feel under the weather. Even when Doppo and Kolya offered you to have another movie marathon, similar to the one you three had after that terrible shopping trip.
If you felt better, you would join them. But, instead, you decide to go to bed early at 8:00 pm.
It takes you a minute to grab your phone from the bedside table. The familiar picture of you and Armed Detective Agency near the campfire, that you use as your lock screen picture, greet you. You look at the time.
10:00 pm.
Still early. You sneeze. Your headache became worse.
Well, isn't it just dandy? You were sick. Somehow, you manage to catch a cold in the middle of summer.
You start coughing.
You wonder, if, in reality, you had an ability that makes you get into troubles or almost impossible situations. You also wonder if it's the case, could you convince Fukuzawa to let you became his subordinate and use his ability on you, so he can turn off your supposed ability off. It will be easier, than dragging Dazai everywhere you go.
Another cough. You grumbled and struggled to get out of bed. Your mouth was dry, you needed to drink water. And, it would be perfect, if you had a wet rug for your forehead.
After getting on your feet, you slowly moved towards one of the shelves. You start searching through it, hoping to find a rug or a towel. You only find a big towel (too big to put on your forehead) and scarf, that Kolya made for you (too precious).
You shook your head. Maybe, In the bathroom, you will find something suitable.
But, first thing, water.
Staggering, you slowly walked towards the kitchen.
You were tried, you felt terrible. You close your eyes, hoping, that it will ease the headache.
That's how you bumped into someone. Someone warm.
You blink few times. It was dark, but you manage to see familiar purple eyes.
You bumped into Fyodor Dostoevsky.
You two were staring at each other. Fyodor carefully put his hand on your forehead. Fyodor frowned.
"You have a fever."
It wasn't a question, but you nodded. Fyodor sighs and carefully put his arm around your shoulders.
"Come. Stay in my room tonight, [Y/N]. A d don't try to protest, Myshonok¹. I will take care of you."
You whine.
"Water... Wet rug..."
Fyodor pat your head.
"I will get them for you, but, please, you need to go to bed."
You had no strength to fight or protest. You let Fyodor lead you to his room.
Soon you were laying on Fyodor's bed and Fyodor tucked you in. Fyodor cast a quick gaze at you and left his room.
You sigh. It wasn't your first time sleeping in Fyodor's bed. At the end of May, you slept here for a week.
_______
It happened few days after Kolya made dumplings for everyone and scarf for you. Because of that, all BSD cast start searching for something interesting about their real world counterparts. They were trying to find some cute facts, so they can make something nice to you.
You discussed everything you knew about their real world counterparts with BSD Cast. And one day you made a mistake. You discussed the wrong fact about Fyodor Dostoevsky.
"This world Fyodor Dostoevsky has a gambling problem. One time, he lost everything, even his wife's clothes. I hope, our Fyodor won't follow this path."
To give you credit, you didn't say at Fyodor's face. But you didn't discuss it, when Fyodor wasn't in the house.
He heard you nice and clear.
The next evening, he challenged you to a game of poker. The loser had to grant the winner's wish.
Fyodor still didn't tell you, why he wished for you to sleep in the same bed with him (and cuddle with him) for a week.
________
You doze off. But, after you feel a wet rug been placed on your forehead, you opened your eyes again.
Fyodor was back. Holding your head with one hand, Fyodor brought the mug to your lips.
"Slowly, [Y/N]. Small sips"
You followed Fyodor's advice. It wasn't pure water. It was a special tea, that helps against cold. Tea was warm and tasty. Soon, you drank tea to the last drop.
Fyodor nodded contentedly. Putting the mug away, he took a small bottle of cough syrup from the inside pocket of his coat.
Fyodor poured syrup into plastic spoon.
"Now, open your mouth, Myshonok"
The syrup was too sweet, but, you knew, that you can not to take it. Fyodor won't let you.
Tea and syrup made you sleepy. Wet rug on your forehead felt nice. You yawn. You slowly doze off. You mumbled.
"Thanks, Fedya... Good night"
Through your sleep, you felt Fyodor kiss your forehead and whispered.
"Good night, Myshonok. Sleep well."
After making sure, that you are sleeping, Fyodor sat in his computer chair. He wasn't against sleeping in his chair, so you will be comfortable.
Fyodor chuckled. He hoped that when you became better, you will agree to cuddle with him again.
_______
¹Myshonok - "baby mouse" in Russian
#self-awareau#self-awarebsd#bungou stray dogs au#bsd#bungou stray dogs#bsd anime#bsd x gender neutral reader#gender neutral reader#Self Aware Fyodor Dostoevsky#bsd fyodor dostoevsky#bsd fyodor#fyodor dostoyevsky bsd#bungou stray dogs fyodor#bsd dostoevsky#dostoevsky x reader#fyodor x reader#fyodor dostoyevsky x reader
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notes after rewatching fallout s1 ep1
so once again like a crazy person [i've done this with star wars sequels before] i've decided to take three and half pages of notes over the course of an hour. i've been a fan of the games for at least a decade and i'm actually always watching lore content between the installments though so while i do know some minute details, within the show, there was some things i was interested in and curious about that i just decided to jot down. some of this may be things discussed already and some of it might be something i wasn't sure if anyone brought up before but anyways! maybe i'll do the whole season, but here's my ramblings
• them titling the episode "the end" was when i knew i'd love the show
• ok but i really wonder if cooper can still do those party tricks? he was really good at them and lucy would probably love them too 🥺
• thinking back, the radio in the first scene mentions not knowing where the president is--- beginning to wonder if he was the guy sitting in on the vault tec meeting
• just realized they introduced the mr. handy robot in some of the first scenes
• ten years of nuclear threat according to anchor but the show is careful not to give away all the cards because why does the weather anchor make it seem like they know when the bomb will drop? idk but birthday boy mother turns off tv real "head in the sand" like
• the nat king cole song that's playing though [wondering if the song is mirroring specifically cooper's feelings about barb despite everything hmm]
• horse's name is sugarfoot 🥹
• him having to pay alimony... wonder what the prenup? was like... [still think he probably loves barb 😞]
• them calling him a pinko despite him being an architect of vault boy's persona, a quintessential presentation of a "man's man" acting as a cowboy, a real cowboy, a former marine--- wondering if there was a smear campaign after his situation with barb and vault tec, him working children's parties leads me to believe...
• did the kid's say the birthday boy's name was boyd? [if so, there's another character in the games with this name and this is also the name of a character walton has played in another series, funny]
• weather man show's up again distressed, wondering if we'll get more info about that day
• everyone ignoring, cognitive dissonancing their own nuclear annihilation is so prescient if not disturbing and damning
• him teaching janey the thumb thing ☹️
• cooper's voice when he says "let me see if i can't rustle you up a piece" 😩
• janey being the only one to notice the first bomb
• the fear in cooper's eyes
• cooper being in denial one last time before realization sets in
• people becoming animals the moment they realize what's happening--- one guy punches his friend not letting his family into the fallout shelter
• people getting into their cars and cooper onto his horse to escape--- wonder how fast they could be since it doesn't seem you could outrun nuclear annihilation
• lucy being raised so well under the circumstances 😔 [hope she never becomes her father]
• i haven't trusted steph since episode one
• lucy being a teacher [amongst other things] and asking maximus about what happened after the bombs fell makes so much sense [and also much like another person suggested is an interesting juxtaposition to cooper's pre war knowledge]
• lucy showing how skilled she is for being a marriage candidate when in reality we are seeing someone fit for the wasteland is crazy on second watch
• is lucy not watching a cooper howard movie with her dad? hello??
• them reading "war and peace" in the family book club is rich
• lucy [thinking] she's not good at guns, ironic
• steph having to step in like a sisterly type because lucy's mom isn't there 😞
• the wedding dress on lucy being ill fitting, tight as symbolism for lucy not truly "fitting in there" and being constrained [foreshadowing] oof
• the vault boy sign in the back saying "don't lose your head" lmao
• didn't catch the "cousin stuff" until someone mentioned it on tumblr and twitter 💀
• the flashback we see of lucy ending up being almost a false memory, a misrepresentation of her actual memories, that she has been on the surface, in the sun
• norm taunting lucy about her future husband being "anybody" and a "cannibal, crammed full of tumours" 😭 unfortunately for ghoulcy, this was some of the heaviest foreshadowing [the raider also could have been one too]
• why didn't hank recognize moldaver?
• so many things i still don't understand about vaults 31, 32, 33
• the growing realization they are raiders was pretty funny to me lmao
• moldaver having to sit through the disingenuous lies of hank ugh
• norm going into vault 32 like they wanted them to know what was up? or is that just how vault doors work? they used lucy's mom's pip boy [that hank lied about burying]
• lucy putting norm in a storage vault, she really is so strong
• the handed down wedding dress getting messed up
• i am curious if the raiders [shady sands survivors?] only mostly harmed vault tec aligners but maybe not
• the way hank and steph retaliating a little too well
• hank acting like he doesn't know moldaver when everyone really does know moldaver
• moldaver telling lucy she looks like her mother is really such a tipoff
• realizing maximus is getting bullied 😭
• dane... might love maximus a little idk
• from latrine duty to basically ruling over the brotherhood of steel
• they really showed some dude jacking it lmao it's just normal i guess 💀
• maximus being defeated and having a rightful outburst of emotion, poor guy
• the poster saying "the outside world can never harm you"--- funny
• chet would've died up there 😭
• them not opening the vault back up for her, wondering if the vapourized bodies are from the initial bomb drop or the subsequent shady sands ones
• dane almost gets maximus killed three times tbh
• maximus joined the brotherhood of steel to get back at what vault tec did, essentially hank's doing, hank has many enemies
• knowing the enclave, it makes sense why siggi is hunted
• cooper the ghoul's introduction though
• the bounty hunter saying his captors dig cooper up every once in a while to cut pieces of flesh off him 😞 no wonder cooper acts the way he does 😔 he's been taken advantage of, no wonder he doesn't trust anybody and is horrible to everyone
• "why is this an amish production of "the count of monte cristo" or the weirdest circle jerk i've ever been invited to?" why would he say this 😭
• cooper's... been invited to circle jerks 👀
• does the bounty hunter know the ghoul is cooper howard?
• him not harming the chicken, him healing dogmeat, there's something there, folks
• people only digging him up to use him again 😞
• what a coincidence he's dug up just as lucy leaves the vault
• "i do this shit for the love of the game" he's a character, he's playing a character, real theatre kid
• hence why cooper is introduced as "the ghoul", cooper is long gone
• "us cowpokes, we take it as it comes" something about this lineee
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Eustass Kid, G-55 ~ Cockwarming
Summary: Modern monster au, Part 2 of Eustass Kid as a vampire and you’re his favorite familiar. Getting Gomez Addams level of love and devotion from the tulip♥
Warnings: Spicy! Dom/Master Vampire Kid, Sub/Familiar Reader - long term relationship cause I’m in my feelings, implied creampie, cockwarming for love, mostly fluff story
Word Count: 512
Eustass Kid never considered himself the type to be tied down. With immortality and all, it was depressing to tie himself down to a mortal when their life would be extinguished as soon as he batted an eye.
Blink.
50 years could pass by and he’d just…pick up and move on. The only real friends he had where people like himself or other creatures he’d had passing interactions with. He had his best buddies and his comforts – he didn’t need a whole lot. Sure he had familiars in the past to entertain him for short periods but he always let them go after he lost interest. He wasn’t so much of an asshole that he would lead someone on for longer than he needed to. Humans age quickly as the decades pass by.
Then he met you.
You changed everything for him. He couldn’t imagine a single moment without you. Wouldn’t consider it an option. So when you had been discussing your dreams together and you told him you dreamt of getting married – he knew he had to do it. Anything you wanted he would move heaven and earth to give you.
High on the addiction of you completely, he didn’t really register what it meant until months into your marriage. When you had tattooed your arm with something sentimental of him. He decided he couldn’t bear to live on without you. Didn’t want to try. Maybe after a millennium he’d feel different but for right now, all he wanted was the two of you against the world forever.
Offspring could be a possibility but that was its own process so he figured he’d bring that up in the future. For now, getting consent to turn you is his first priority.
Kid was disturbed from his imagination when he felt your head move on his chest. A smile grew on his lipstick stained face. He loved holding you so much. If he ever had to die, he hoped he would die in your arms. You’re the last thing and the first thing he wants to wake up to.
He would worship the ground you walked on each day for the rest of your lives if you’d let him.
You stirred slightly with a hum and he closed his eyes as your body shifted. Contentment and pleasure rippled through him as your lower body clenched on him as you stretched. After the last round of sex, you had passed out on his chest before he could pull out and he was so comfortable with the position that he stayed right where he was. Feeling happy and perfect.
Kid could tell when you woke up and he could tell you were aroused again when instead of making yourself known, you tried to subtly shift your hips and pleasure yourself with his cock. As if he’d miss the perfect feeling of your pussy hugging his cock with that delightful grip.
Yes, he’d ask your consent to turn you. After this next round when he can show you a million reasons why you should say yes.
We won :) Blackout Bingo is over and now we have the Halloween story that will post tomorrow! Sorry about the two late tiles, shit happens.
Halloween Day Party and séance gone wrong scenario
#eustass kid#kinktober 2023#raven's bingo board#raven's halloween party#one piece fanfiction#one piece smut#swampstew stories#eustass kid smut#swampstew bedtime stories#eustass kid x reader#eustasscaptainkid#tw dark content#tw dom/sub#tw monsterfucking#con noncon#cw gore#vampirisim#and all the kinky things about it
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You know, that recent post with more thoughts on bio mom!Selina has given me an idea. Because Bruce and Selina, in one version of canon, have a daughter. Helena. Huntress. Consider: Another twins au, but with Danny and Helena instead
You have activated my DC knowledge, and I hope you know that >:3
Helena's character is a little more complicated and I am here to ramble about that before I get to the meat of this ask. There is a universe where Helena grew up to become Batwoman, not Huntress. And that is because she was raised by her parents and didn't get separated. But since you specifically mentioned Huntress, I'll try to stick with that one.
For anyone that doesn't know this part of DC comics that well, something you should know is that there are two Huntresses. Helena Bertinelli and Helena "Bertinelli", otherwise known as Helena Wayne. In the New Earth and Prime Earth comic series, their version of Huntress is the real Helena Bertinelli, whose family was a part of the mafioso and she was dubbed a "mafia princess".
But then, there's Earth 2, where Helena Wayne was actually Robin before being sent to another universe alongside Kara (more specifically, Power Girl) and ended up taking the alias of Helena Bertinelli, who had existed in this world but had been missing/presumed dead.
So where does that leave us? [Added a Keep Reading because this got long lol]
Since you specifically addressed Helena as Huntress, I'm going to be using this comic run:
You could probably write a story about how Danny finally finds Helena again and the two reunite, thus revealing that Helena had lied to almost everyone and she was indeed Helena Wayne once upon a time. And this of course would lead to revelations and heart-to-heart discussions about Bruce and Selina's relationship and what kind of parents they were. I like to imagine that when Danny reunited with his family for whatever reason that separated them, Danny becomes Robin as well. So there are two Robins stalking the streets and scaring the living daylights out of criminals.
However... if you wanted to make things a little more interesting, we could take this version of the comic and take it for a little spin.
In the original canon, Helena has already operated as Huntress for years before Damian figured out the deception. She's already an adult, and largely on her own.
But in this case, we can make Helena freshly from the other universe. Lost and unsure and all on her own. Enter Batfamily. The moment they get her in their sights they realize that oh, she's Bruce's kid from another world/timeline/whatever their first assumption is. And then, when they get her to open up, she reveals that she has a twin. Bruce is Unwell at the information and Helena is inconsolable because they only just got him back, and now they've lost her. Her parents are never going to let her out of the house again after this!!
Meanwhile, Danny is losing his mind and their parents are trying to do everything to get her back and it's a whole mess.
If you want to make things a little more interesting, you could make Danny and Helena the only Wayne children, so that when she goes to the other universe she's super taken aback by how many siblings she could've had and "isn't that our neighbor Tim? Tim Drake? Danny's bestest friend ever? What are you doing in that egghead suit, Danny would be appalled to see you dressed like that."
Something I will have to say is that we probably don't get a lot of AUs like this because the rest of the Batfamily would probably be adults and there's a rather large age gap between Damian (as the youngest) and Helena + Danny, in this case. Unless you have them from another world, of course.
Think... Batman Beyond, with Terry McGinnis. It's an amazing series, but pretty much all of the main characters that the fandom typically writes about are retired. There is no Nightwing or Red Hood or Red Robin. Damian is alive but he's back with the League of Assassins. Let's not talk about how Tim and Barbara are married.
I think this AU could be really fun, and I'd be interested in trying it out some day. But it is one of the trickier instances. But no less exciting because of it. ;3
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Waiting for Connection 14 / Ghost x Soap
Ghost is retired and plays milsim videogame. Soap is still in the force and sometimes plays that same videogame...
Previous chapter | AO3
Ghost thanks Gaz and bids him good night before he rejoins the main voice channel. As expected, a rather wild discussion is underway. Clearly, the jury is out about whether or not they should’ve split.
“It was a sound idea, threw me off,” Ghost voices his opinion and announces himself at the same time. There’s a brief moment of silence.
“But it didn’t work in the end,” Roach quips, sounding a little bitter. Not overly so, thankfully, it’s just a game, after all. They all know the difference, intimately so.
“You got way closer to the extraction than I thought you would. I assume you wanted to either flush us out or create a diversion?”
“Yes to both, actually,” Alejandro says, “Soap thought that you will expect us sticking together or at the very least split into two pairs, covering each other. We were hoping to gain some upper hand. But I guess we underestimated your friend. Is he joining?”
“No, he’s… a very private person. But he enjoyed the game so I can extend his thanks. Told me that whoever he managed to jump in the lower part of the base was pretty solid. He was lucky to win that one.”
“That was me,” Roach replies, “I had a clumsy aim, it was a deserved death.”
“I’m sure you’re gonna walk all over me next time. You know the layout of the base and the terrain now, and the help I’ve got was a one-time thing.”
“But that wouldn’t really be a fair fight,” Rudy remarks.
At that moment, Ghost realises something. “Where’s Johnny?”
“Had to go, said he wasn’t feeling too good,” Roach explains.
“Ah, I see. Alright, I think I’ll call it a night as well. It was a good game, I’m looking forward to a rematch.”
“Yeah, sure, we’re gonna kick your ass, cabron,” Alejandro laughs.
Simon turns off the PC, puts the headset on a stand and reaches for his phone. He debates with himself for a little before he opens a new text message and types, “Thanks for the game; you were good. Hope you will feel better in the morning. S.” He hits the Send button without thinking too long about it. Otherwise, he would probably change his mind.
Soap’s phone buzzes on the nightstand just as its owner returns from the shower. Soap’s eyebrow quirks up momentarily as he sits on the bed and looks who’s messaging him so late; not many people have his number, and a substantial portion of them wouldn’t bother him at this hour unless it were urgent.
Flicking the lock screen away, he’s surprised to see the message is from Ghost. It’s short but considerate. A little sweet, really. Truth be told, Soap’s only has a minor headache, nothing that would warrant his quick retreat from the game. The real reason why he disconnected was this bitterness that swallowed him whole. Ghost has been ignoring him ever since John left Manchester, and then he shows up with this entirely impossible scenario and some unknown friend to boot? John is not jealous; that was probably the first thing he ruled out. He’s not a jealous man and never has been. But he is confused, and that confusion leads to frustration.
“Just a headache. Thanks for the game, it was interesting,” John types and sends the reply. He knows he could’ve ignored it and could pretend he was already asleep.
And since his phone starts to ring in the next second, he’s sorry he actually did reply. Well, no way around it now. With a sigh, he takes the call.
“Ghost,” John says in a way of greeting while he sheds the towel around his waist and gets in the bed.
“Johnny… how are you?” the deep timbre of Simon’s voice is pleasant. Soothing, almost.
John frowns, remembering he forgot to open the window a bit to let some fresh air in. “Fine. Tired, have a headache, nothing a good night’s sleep won’t solve.”
Simon hums in contemplation, Soap uses the break to get from the bed and open the window. The moment he does, cold air hits him hard. He’s still a bit damp on the back. A low hiss catches Simon’s attention. “You sure you’re alright?”
“Aye, ‘s just bloody cold outside. My balls almost froze the moment I opened the window,” John admits.
Simon chuckles into the phone, and John pauses. He sounds different than in the game. It makes sense, of course; a phone call has a different quality to it. “Do you build a blanket nest on the base as you did at my place?” There’s a hint of teasing lightness to his voice.
“I might, got a problem with it?” John challenges, but there’s no bite.
“Why should I? It’s just…,” Simon trails off, as if unsure how he wanted to finish the sentence.
“Aye?” John presses on, seeking the warmth of his blanket once more. It’s nice to be snuggled in bed with Simon in his ear. Suddenly, all the bitterness and frustration from earlier simply fizzles off. He never had any real reason to be angry, anyway. It’s not like Simon owed him anything, and he didn’t ghost (or Ghost?) him, either. Every time John asked, Simon simply politely declined, never left him hanging.
“It’s a little unusual,” Simon finally finishes the sentence from earlier.
Now it’s Soap’s turn to chuckle. “I bet you’ve seen a ton of weirder shit when you served.”
“I did, but I always appreciated a nice quirk. So long as it wasn’t dangerous.”
“The opposite, actually. It’s a camouflage technique, really handy behind enemy lines,” Soap says, pretending to be dead serious. In moments like this, he feels like he’s known Simon for years: the banter, easy conversations, jokes.
“Right. I guess the field manual changed since I got out,” Simon plays along immaculately.
“Nah, it didn’t; this is our very own Scottish thing; you wouldnae ken about it.”
“That explains it. Speaking of, I was meaning to ask… why SAS?” That’s a good question. Usually, people assume it’s just a prestige thing. However, someone who’s ex-SAS would know better.
“Didnae wanna be a cog in the regular army, knew I had what it takes to make the selection, and I wanted to do shit that actually matters,” John answers truthfully. Only a handful of people know his reasons; the rest got the usual bullshit of serving the country and being the best. “Why did you do it?”
There’s a moment of silence. John actually expects an outright refusal, but he’s at an advantage: Ghost asked him first and got the truth. It would be a dick move to bail now. “I was never a great team player,” Ghost starts and pauses, thinking about what he’s just said before continuing. “Well, that’s not exactly true… I was never a great babysitter. I worked best alone and I was so good at it, that my CO had no choice but to ship me out to the selection. Told me it’s the best he can do for me and that I would thank him later.”
“Did you?”
“I did. Eventually. I didn’t enlist because of some ideals, I joined because I had nowhere else to go, never aimed to prove something to some wankers I’ve never seen.”
“Did you ever regret it? Enlisting, I mean.”
“No. Never. I’m not really religious, but I guess it was my calling. Something I was meant to do. Otherwise, I couldn’t have been so damn efficient at it. It all came easy to me. Not all, but things that mattered. Stuff that helped me survive and complete my missions.”
Soap stays silent, feeling Simon’s words sink under his skin, heavy and tinged with darkness. Before he can think of anything to say to that, Simon continues. “Sorry, that turned a bit dark I guess. We should probably hit the bed, especially you, Sergeant.”
“I can handle an early start and shitty sleep, Ghost, don’t you worry,”
“Yeah, but I can’t. Remember, I’m an old man now,” Simon’s voice carries a lightness of smile.
“I see. Well then, out of respect to my elders, I’ll let you go then. Good night, Si,” John uses the nickname. He’s been very careful with it so far, unsure if Simon likes it or not.
“Good night, Johnny,” Simon repays him in kind.
I tried Ghost Recon Breakpoint since I dropped it soon after it released. Ubisoft actually kinda fixed it! I still like Wildlands more, but it ain't bad. Created a totally-not-OG-Soap, too.
#Soap is in deep denial#And even deeper shit#Late night phone calls like high school sweethearts#call of duty#john soap mactavish#simon ghost riley#ghostsoap#soapghost#ghost x soap#ghoap#ghost mw2#soap mw2
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Maddy’s Top Five Favorite TMNT Episodes from Every Series!
Welcome to my ranking list! My first of many, hopefully! I even spiced things up and made it all fancy with the different font! 😂 god I’m getting old.
A while ago I made a PowerPoint presentation for fun about the history of the TMNT and the franchise. From that point it led to me gaining a spot in a YouTube video series discussing the movies leading up to the premier of Mutant Mayhem, and it’s been one of the best things to happen to me despite the terrible stuff I’ve gone through.
TMNT really saved me at the lowest point of my life in the winter of 2022. It inspired me to go back to Tumblr. I met and befriended incredibly talented people in this fandom. And I’ve found a reason to be happy again because of it. The pain of losing my big sister still aches, and I miss her more each passing day, but I know she’d tell me to get off my ass and do what made me happy.
So for my birthday this weekend, I’ll share this with you guys to celebrate something that brought me joy through all this pain. ❤️🩹
Let’s talk turtles! 💙💜❤️🧡
Lemme explain the criteria for this real fast;
The episode had to have come from a current/ up to date show. It has to be fully completed!
The episodes have to catch my interest and the plot needs to be gripping! The angstier the better!
Any of the series episodes are candidates for a win! Except for certain ones that I’d rather not watch 🤣
SPOILERS BEWARE! Cuz… well, I dunno who’s finished the shows and I don’t wanna ruin the surprise for others!
Also, this never would have been possible without @jadethest0ne for inspiring me! Thank you for all you do in the TMNT fandom, your art/ analyses are wonderful!!! Please go give them support!!
Onto the list proper! Starting with the series that started it all: 1987!
The Maltese Hamster ( Season 3 Ep. 4 ) An excellent Donatello solo episode that takes the tone of a detective noir movie, but keeping the fun vibe of the show! Donnie gets to take center stage for once, April gets to use a laser gun, and the shift in tone sets the mood really well! It’s downright harrowing to watch a building collapse on Donnie and see him limping away from the scene in agony, passing out at Irma’s feet, trying to save his brothers despite the odds. Donnie’s my favorite turtle for a reason!
Raphael Meets His Match ( Season 4 Ep. 17 ) The first appearance of Mona Lisa, and I can see why the fans adore this ship so much! The chemistry between Mona and Raph throughout this one episode is really telling of how impactful one character can be to a franchise! Mona is really fun! She’s not just a token ‘girl character’ trope or an archetype, she can handle herself and kick ass alongside the turtles, plus she and Raph have some pretty witty banter together!
Beware The Lotus ( Season 3 Ep. 28 ) The introduction of Lotus Blossom! It’s speculated that the inspiration for Karai came from Lotus! Lotus and Leo had great chemistry together, it's a shame we only got two episodes to spend with her. She really is an interesting character with loads of story potential about finding your place in the world, discovering who you are, changing your destiny to make it what you want. This is me basically saying I am now part of the Lotus Blossom Fan Club.
Cowabunga, Shredhead! ( Season 3 Ep. 18 ) This is one of the fan favorite episodes, and after I watched it for the first time I could not stop laughing. James Avery does his best Mikey impression while playing the over the top Shredder, and everyone just accepts it??? It’s downright genius! The meme material from this one is plentiful!
Michelangelo Meets Mondo Gecko ( Season 5 Ep. 4 ) The introduction of Mondo himself, and he’s got a really cool design! On first viewing I was pleasantly surprised by his unique color scheme and his character! He’s a bad guy that gets a redemption arc by the end of the episode! I was rooting for him the whole time! It was this debut that made me adore Mondo, and he’s since become my favorite mutant character of the franchise!
Honorable Mentions are Donatello’s Duplicate and Turtlemaniac!
Next up is a controversial one, but I gotta be honest… ‘03 isn’t my favorite series for a lot of reasons, but I will admit! When this series had fantastic episodes, they were AMAZING. So I gotta give credit when due and give kudos to these wins!
The Shredder Strikes Back Parts One and Two ( Season 1 Episodes 17-18 ) Nothing really tops how good this show was in the first season, and these episodes take the comic storyline of Leo’s beatdown and bring it to life masterfully. For Leo’s segments of part one it’s spent mostly with no dialogue— the animation and music carrying how serious the scene is as Leo has to fight for his life against the Foot and how desperate he becomes as he grows weaker and weaker. The second episode is non-stop action as the rest of the turtles, Splinter, April and Casey have to fend off the Foot and Shredder as they fight for their lives in the antique shop. This is one of Michael Sinterniklass’s BEST performances as Leo in these episodes. The stakes are higher than ever before, the animation is gorgeous, and everyone gives it their all for this epic mid-season finale.
Same As It Never Was ( Season 3 Ep. 21 ) This is the episode I would tell people to watch if they think TMNT is just kiddie trash.
Bad Blood ( Season 6 Ep. 12 ) Probably the Fast Forward concept I wish got expanded on instead of giving it two standalone stories and dropping it entirely. It’s a cool idea that I wish got touched upon more often because, yeah, what would evil clones of the turtles look like? What kind of abilities could they have? There’s infinite possibilities! I could live without the new catchphrase ‘It's Ninja Time’ though. While Fast Forward is flawed, this episode was the one I thoroughly liked!
Insane in the Membrane ( Season 4 Ep. 19 ) The infamously banned episode, and all I have to say about it is two words. Holy. Shit.
The Real World Part One ( Season 3 Ep. 22 ) Any team-up with Usagi Yojimbo is a good one, and this was such a delight! It’s loosely based on one of the Usagi stories from the comics, and I loved how badass they made both Usagi and Tomoe! Leo and Usagi have great chemistry as always, and you can tell they have a strong bond with one another as warriors! Or boyfriends depending on how you interpret their relationship but honestly I totally see where everyone is coming from, THESE TWO ARE ADORABLE DORKS.
Next up is my all-time favorite incarnation of the franchise, 2012!! I have A LOT to say about so many of the episodes but alas, I could only choose five to discuss. One day… one day I shall make a thesis about it 🤣 for now however, here’s my top five faves from this series!
The Yojimbo Trilogy ( Season 5 Episodes 7-9 ) Oh. My. God. YES. The love letter to Stan Sakai’s comics, the beautiful homage to vintage Japanese cinema with the camera framework and action, and OH MY LORD, THE COLORS AND SHADING DURING USAGI’S FIGHT WITH JAY IN THE FINALE???? THAT’S CINEMA! Excellent voice acting by Yuki Matsuzaki, which was his first English speaking role and personally chosen by Sakai himself to play the ronin rabbit! My only complaint is that I wish we’d gotten more of the Yojimbo characters in here, like Tomoe or Gen! Otherwise I can watch all three of these episodes on repeat and always get excited!
Lone Rat and Cubs ( Season 5 Ep. 10 ) The final appearance of Splinter, the episode Kevin Eastman wrote, and a beautiful send-off to this character. It’s a flashback, yes, but this is the episode we get to see Yoshi adapting to his mutation as a rat, raising his boys, trying to be a good father and struggling to survive from the Krang. It’s a part of his life we rarely ever get to see, and this episode shows us why he was a great father. Basically it's a try not to cry challenge. For me, THIS episode is the series finale because it’s just a perfect conclusion to Splinter and his story.
Requiem/Owari ( Season 4 Episodes 25-26 ) The finale to the overall series, the finale to this overarching story, and it’s just as heartbreaking and suspenseful as you’d expect. The writers don't hold back their punches, and it shows that the gloves have finally come off. The characters we’ve come to love and care for are at their breaking point, the Shredder is the most threatening he’s ever been, and the team decides it’s time to put the monster down for good. Whoever thinks this show was just ‘kiddie trash’ needs to be sat down and shown this two-parter, because GODDAMN. Ciro Nieli treated this with so much care and respect. I cannot help but adore the team who put this together because the stakes have been raised to an all-time high, and the final showdown between Shredder and the turtles here is hair-raising, all reaching its climax when Leonardo finishes Oroku Saki by beheading him. It’s powerful, it’s devastating, and it’s a damn excellent showcase of why this series was the best iteration of the franchise to date.
The Fourfold Trap ( Season 3 Ep. 23 ) Yet another homage to a horror movie, only this time it’s a lot more intense. Based on Saw, this episode makes you sit on the edge of your seat as you can only hope that the turtles will escape the traps Karai’s put them in. It’s all nerve wracking to watch on a first viewing experience, POOR DONNIE OH MY GOD, CAN WE STOP PUTTING THIS BOY IN ELECTROCUTION DEVICES???? He still manages to create a plan to save his brothers even while he’s being electrocuted! Also, SPLINTER IS BEST RAT DAD. This episode will teach you the meaning of ‘angsty dread’ and ‘overwhelming anxiety.’
Trans-Dimensional Turtles ( Season 4 Ep. 10 ) THE TURTLES FOREVER WE DESERVED BUT WE DIDN'T GET UNTIL CIRO NIELI HOOKED US UP WITH THE BEST CROSSOVER WE’VE EVER BEEN BLESSED WITH! The OG turtles are all so much fun to see again both in and out of 2D, Gilbert Godfried is always a delight, the 2012 turtles in traditional 2D animation is awesome, and ALL THE OG VOICE ACTORS ARE HERE AND CLEARLY HAVING THE TIMES OF THEIR LIVES. THE ROB PAULSEN JOKE IS LITERALLY A BLESSING XD I only wish it had been longer!
Honorable Mentions are Slash and Destroy, Pizza-Face, Within the Woods and Mutant Gangland!
And rounding it off is the last— but certainly not least— series, Rise!! I adore this one!! It’s right behind 2012 as my favorite TMNT series just for the stellar animation!! It’s such a shame that this one had to end so unfairly, but today I’m giving it the love it deserves!! Please note that I have yet to complete season two of ROTTMNT cuz my life has been crazy hectic and I haven’t had the time, but once I do, I’ll go back and update this section if I find more episodes I liked!
Raph’s Ride Along ( Season 2 Ep. 8A ) Ummmmmm the 2012 VA’s playing parody versions of their turtles as yokai criminals??? HELL YEAH. If only they got Astin to play a character though! Then we would’ve had a reverse Turtles Forever reunion! I came out of this episode really loving the Mud Dogz as characters and wanting more, especially Dastardly Danny cuz Rob Paulsen is always a win! Too bad this show got canned before we could really get to know these guys. BUT HEY! That’s what the fandom is for! 🤣
Insane in the Mama Train ( Season 1 Episode 25 ) When I watched this series blind, this episode blew my mind. Seeing something so well done had me screaming in joy with how expertly this episode was crafted. The stellar action choreography, the great comedic elements splashed in to lighten the tense mood, the ANIMATION OH MY LORD. Disney, take notes. And that ending leaves a pit in my stomach every time, like OOOOF, those expressions! That sudden tonal swap!
Mystic Library ( Season 1, Ep. 20A ) Probably my favorite comedy episode! The timing for the jokes in this one specifically is so well done, and every single one had me in tears. I’ve been trying to commit Donnie’s library rap to memory but alas, I’ve been failing.
The Clothes Don’t Make The Turtle ( Season 2 Episode 10B ) THIS. MORE OF THIS PRETTY PLEASE. It's just SO MUCH FUN. I really don’t have anything else to say other than this one is a great treat, also, the reanimated fan cut of this is spectacular!!
Snow Day ( Season 1 Ep. 23B ) This, for me, is the Christmas special of the series even though it’s in no way related to the holiday or has anything to do with it BUT I DON’T CARE LET ME DREAM. I love this one for the adorable interactions and the bonding! Seeing the characters goofing off and having fun, enjoying the weather and spending time together outside of the angst? I CRAVE FLUFF LIKE THIS.
And Tada! There it is! I hope you liked this!! It was tons of fun to compile all my favorite episodes into one project and share my thoughts! This fandom has been nothing but fantastic and I’m proud to be in it!
Thank you to all who have inspired me to keep going and pursue my dreams. You guys are great! @queen-with-the-quill @tending-the-hearth @wasted-and-ready @tmnt-tychou @mermmarie @figuringitoutasigoalong @lameboobah @zandiiangelspit @pumpkinpie59 @indieyuugure @angelicdavinci @imagine4000
And thank you to my IRL friends who have pulled me to my feet and supported me. Not only are you guys the best people I know, but I consider you guys family. You really saved me last year. I’m honored to call you my friends 💓
What are your favorite episodes?? Lemme know!! 😁 Maybe I’ll do a movie ranking next!
Cowabunga!! Have a great day!! 💚💚
#tmnt#teenage mutant ninja turtles#tmnt 1987#tmnt 2003#tmnt 2012#rottmnt#rise of the tmnt#maddys ramblings#tmnt analysis
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THE PARENT TRAP PROMPTS
* assorted dialogue from the 1998 film
what's going on?
i have class and you don't.
i'll tell you what i'm gonna do.
what was your mother like?
i agree. it totally sucks.
we actually did it!
still biting those nails, i see.
oh, don't do this to me. i'm already seeing double.
any of your pictures ruined?
it's time to break up this little love fest.
you're young, beautiful, sexy...
i may never be alone with you again.
what do you expect? to live happily ever after?
what did you call me?
yes. to all of the above.
ooh, let me help you with that.
you know, sometime if we're ever really alone maybe we could talk about what happened between us.
i'm sorry, it's just i've missed you so much.
get the picture?
it ended so fast.
wow, suddenly you're so interested in math!
have you seen your father?
i would pay big money to see that woman climb a mountain.
who are you, robert de niro? yes, i am talking to you.
you probably don't remember me...
if that's the way you want it, then let the games begin.
this arrangement really sucks.
come here, we have to talk.
i think there's something on your head.
i love oreos. at home, i eat them with peanut butter.
okay, sorry. got a little nervous!
the man went completely ashen like i was the bloody ghost of christmas past.
can one of you get something cold for my head?
this is so scary.
i promise i'll make your lives miserable.
i think it's an awesome idea. inspired. brilliant, really.
i know. it seems like it's been forever.
okay, on the count of three, we'll show them to each other.
this is beyond coincidence. this is beyond imagination!
i know she was really beautiful.
most people find that totally disgusting.
totally, it's like a dream come true.
will you stop thinking about your stomach at a time like this?
i'm really thirsty.
i think you're kind of missing the point.
hey, you sounded just like me!
i learned it at camp.
it's me or them.
let's discuss this calmly. calmly and rationally.
this is so scary.
i've never been so happy in my entire life.
i have a brilliant beyond brilliant idea!
excuse me?
may your life be far less complicated than mine.
that's where i have to go.
what are you doing here?
we were so young. we both had tempers, we said stupid things so i packed.
i made the mistake of not coming after you once. i'm not going to do that again no matter how brave you are.
what has gotten into you?
you didn't come after me.
that's perfectly... perfect. have fun.
you can't get married!
i'm not so hungry anymore.
that really doesn't matter anymore.
i suppose you just expect me to go weak at the knees, and fall into your arms, and cry hysterically.
don't shut your eyes!
i'm going to take the lead.
we have a butler?
we decided to switch places.
honey, you never looked better.
this is where we're eating?
that girl is without a doubt the lowest most awful creature to ever walk the planet.
can i hug her?
how exactly are we paying for this?
i'm supposed to, aren't i?
start unzipping.
go on, just do it.
i'm crawling back into bed, and sleeping 'til lunch.
i'll make you a little deal.
i didn't even know you spoke french.
nobody. forget i mentioned it.
i've loved you your whole life.
that does not sound like a possibility, babe.
it'll totally ruin completely everything!
you wanna know the real difference between us?
how did you know that?
that would be correct.
you have no idea.
mine's a pathetic little thing.
i just hope that one day you could love me as me.
thank you, thank you very much!
don't look at me. i don't know a thing.
you're g ood, but you're just not good enough.
what are you rummaging in your trunk for this time?
don't you realize what's happening?
this is so freaky.
if i didn't know any better, i'd say it's almost like you were... forget it. it's impossible.
i hope you're not mad because i love you so much.
loser jumps into the lake after the game.
i changed a lot over the summer.
i've never seen you and i've dreamt of meeting you my whole life.
#rp starters#rp memes#rp prompt#rp meme#rp musings#roleplay memes#roleplay prompt#roleplay meme#writing prompt#askbox meme#ask memes#rp asks#ask meme#inbox meme#inbox prompts#inbox prompt#rp inbox meme#sentence starter#sentence starter prompt#sentence starters#mcflymemes#the parent trap#movies#remake of an old meme i made#spruced it up a bit :)
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There is a thing I don't get, why Yuanzhi was so against the idea of Ziyu becoming the sword wielder?
Just because he wanted his brother to be it? Or because of the rumors about Ziyu's mother? I mean, Shangjue was always logical on the reasons why he didn't want Ziyu to be the leader while Yuanzhi seemed to just do what he was told to do.
I read an answer on Reddit where Yuanzhi was described as Shangjue's dog, with no opinions of his own, petty and oblivious. Many people regarded him as the true villain of the show because he caused pain and played tricks for no real reasons. Do you think he is like that? Only smart for poisons?
Me to the Redditor who said that:
Knuckle and buckle, kids, you're on the Gab Meta Train.
1. Gong Ziyu started out hella unqualified and everyone knows it
Don't come at me and tell me Gong Ziyu was the most worthy candidate to be the Sword Wielder because based on the first character setup, he definitely was not it. He was known to frequent the pleasure house, he stumbles home drunk in broad daylight, he has no involvement in the family's affairs, and he is most definitely more known as a dandy than anyone who is being groomed to take over the helm of the family.
Honestly, off the bat, in real life, would you want someone with a proven track record to lead you and protect you and your interests, or would you want some dude who is better known for hanging out at a brothel than he is actually handling paperwork or has a track record of maturity?
Yuanzhi, who is younger than Ziyu, but already is contributing to the day-to-day running and the development of tech and research for the family.
Which means...?
He has skin in the game about who he wants to lead him in the family. And that's a very valid stance to take. It's more than "oh Gege told me to do this, so I will" because that's such a sad 1 dimension take, and again, to that Redditor:
Of course, we as the audience know that Ziyu will shape up. He will step up and he will answer the call, so to speak. But Gong Yuanzhi and Gong Shangjue did not. And if you really think about it, they're pretty much 'employees' of the Gong company. They just didn't agree with what top management decided and vocally voiced that opinion.
If you reeeeeallly want to think about it, they were just unionising :)
(gonna put this under a read more coz it got long)
2. Gong Shangjue has instilled a mentality of "Family First"
Relating to the first point.
Shangjue is obviously Yuanzhi's North Star. He is who Yuanzhi is shaping himself to be, and for all we know of his character, of course he would. He's basically the perfect man to aspire to be in a society like theirs.
So, when Shangjue says, "Family is the Most Important", don't you think Yuanzhi is gonna listen? Gong Shangjue is Gong Yuanzhi's most important person. He's family in a way that the rest aren't. Even if he doesn't outright say "I want that position", Yuanzhi would have done anything to help support him and get him there.
And going on the point where Shangjue and Yuanzhi were on Ziyu's case coz of the rumours that his mom was possibly pregnant when she married into the Gong family; I know other users on the MJTY tag have quite possibly discussed this matter (shoutout to @kingsandbastardz @swiftletinthecloud @romchat for their lovely metas and analysis posts ❤️ I consume them with much gratitude and glee), but let me crudely try to wrangle what has been beautifully said into my my own words;
For a family that prides themselves with being very strict about their familial rules, the fact that there is some measure and level of doubt persisting about Ziyu's parentage should have and must disqualify him from the position itself. Ziyu's dad could have easily kiboshed the rumours but he didn't, why?
More than that, the implication given to Shangjue over tea was that the position of Zhiren was always meant to go to him. Rewatch that scene where he last saw his uncle. Tell me differently.
The whole paternity issue is just one facet of a very Ziyu shaped problem. Having a murky paternity will raise issues of succession. Why do you think the nobilities of Europe back then had a court of people, usually people of importance, to be present when a marriage was consummated and a child was born? This is to make sure that there was no doubt that the marriage was legitimate and the line of succession and paternity remains unbroken.
(there were always exceptions to the rule, of course, but you get my drift, right?)
Of course, we got the resolutions to all of these issues; Ziyu was always the bio son of the Zhiren, he probably didn't kibosh the rumours because he never wanted to have his son carry that burden of leading the family when he could tell that his son had always wanted to leave the Valley, and Shangjue never coveted the position in the first place, he just wanted the right person to lead.
3. Yuanzhi has no opinions
Yuanzhi's just a dog to Shangjue? Well, if he's a dog, I wanna be one too Woof Woof.
Yuanzhi has his own motivations and drive. They just so happened to be Gege-shaped. I don't see how that warrants being called someone's dog.
He doesn't have his own opinions? Bro quite literally almost died to prove a point that the porridge was poisoned and Shangguan Qian cannot be trusted. HOW IS THAT NOT HAVING AN OPINION?
WERE WE EVEN WATCHING THE SAME SHOW???
Honestly, it's Reddit so I shouldn't be this surprised about the hot takes that happen on there, but damn if some people lack two brain cells to rub together to critically consume the media in front of them.
4. Yuanzhi is a reactionary character
Think about it; how many times throughout the narrative did he cause problems for no apparent reason?
If anything, don't you think that Ziyu & co. are the ones who deliberately do things to antagonise him and Shangjue? It's almost midnight as I am typing this and the old noggin is starting to lag, but let's focus on the blood GPS incident.
Yuanzhi saw that the people in the Yu residence were being a bit suspicious so he goes to snoop (cause + reason = reaction). Jin Fan is best boy, but Yuanzhi did not instigate that fight, he did (with good reason i know i know). (offense + defense = reaction). Ziyu & co. tried to stuff him into the closet (*snerk*) and what does he do? Bites down until he bleeds because he knows Gege will find him if he sniffs him out. And he did. A successful reaction.
In my opinion, he's like gunpowder -- left alone, they'll be fine. When given a spark, will react.
And again with feeling... To the Redditor who spouted such utter shite;
Class dismissed
#if it sounds like i have taken offence and would like to challenge to a duel of honour at dawn; it is and i do#I'm filled with fight me energy#gong yuanzhi#GRRR HOW DARE THEY#their brains must be smooth#the lights must be on but no one is home#because you can't be that stupid can you?#oh wait. yeah. yeahhh you can#my journey to you meta#my journey to you#gab rambles
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I'd love to hear more about Connie's trauma! The attention you give her character through the parallels between her and Steven always resonated with me.
Ohohoh yasss I really do wanna get back to this one…
This one-shot examines like… the whole thing with Connie being largely absent from Beach City and active Gem nonsense in the beginning of Steven Universe Future, and attempts to give an potential explanation as to why.
Like I guess personally, it just always seemed a bit strange to me that she made such a sharp pivot from actively desiring to be a close participant in Gem matters on Earth, to… seemingly not? She even specifies to Steven in Together Forever that her interest in politics is more for “down to earth” reasons, when he asks if her experiences with intergalactic diplomacy got her on that train. So my brain kinda was just… okay, what changed? And my current thought is that… after the deeply, DEEPLY upsetting experience she went through in White’s head… she realized she needed to take some time to step away for her own wellbeing. And I think it took some time for her to figure out even that much- some time, and some long discussions with her own therapist. Thus, set post movie, I have a scene with her and Pearl cooking away in my brain. It’s only a starting sketch, but it’s eventually gonna tackle like… the residual trauma Connie still has about Pearl restraining her when she was controlled by White.
Snippit:
_
“All right! Wonderful hustle, as always!” Pearl says, her holo-Pearls dissipating into glittering light at her command. “Now—“ she summons a material sword from within her gem-space, posture falling into a ready stance— “your final opponent today will be me. You’ve made great strides with those new defensive maneuvers I’ve taught you, so let’s concentrate on refining our footwork this time, shall we?”
“Yes, Ma’am!” Connie exclaims with a snappy salute, and refocuses her attention on the precise rhythm and form of her steps as— with a mighty shout— she glides across the training grounds towards her teacher, sword in hand.
Stance wide, she reminds herself. Body lowered. Let your toes point the way.
Ever the in-sync mentor, Pearl follows her lead. She’s clearly not playing it easy this afternoon. To be fair she rarely does, but there’s this extra wild glint of tenacity whirling in her eyes that alerts her to the fact that she’ll have to dig for every last strategical advantage to win this one. When she raises her blade to attempt her first strike, the Gem effortlessly dances around it. She counters with a swift overhead assault, which Connie blocks with the flat of her weapon.
If she were practicing against the holo-Pearls, her teacher would’ve interrupted the moment to shout an eager word of praise, but not this time. Not in their recent one-on-ones.
Not when some stray Era 3 dissenter could drop right onto their doorstep at any second and destroy all the progress the Crystal Gems have worked so hard to achieve.
It’s unfortunate— ever since the injector incident a few weeks ago, the usually bright and upbeat atmosphere at Steven’s house has grown… uncomfortably tense. Most of the bio-poison’s damage has been mitigated by this point, with Beach City residents aiding in physical clean-up and Steven using his powers to heal the ecological impacts, but there’s been a clear shift in the tides for her friends. She can feel it radiating in her very bones. Before Spinel, the Crystal Gems seemed content to hang up their weapons and enjoy the peaceful bounty and simple joys this new era promised. Though she still trained with Pearl during that period, those spars resembled more of a casual workout than any real battle simulation.
But now… even though they try not to show it… Connie can tell her friends have been re-traumatized. Recent events have simply sucked them right back into the barbed thickets of the war they never truly escaped. It’s not a physical battlefield this time, thank goodness… more a battlefield of the mind… but in her opinion its impacts are one and the same, even for Gems.
All the endless perils that shaped the trajectory of their pasts… they’ll always in some small part be there to haunt them.
Connie, of course, is no exception to this rule.
#jen rambles#still doing these! Feel free to scroll back on my blog to the list of wips to ask about one#wips
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Chenford REWIND- Lucy Chen / Tim Bradford - The Rookie - Season 2 Ep 10, 11, & 12
This feels like a lot to put into one Meta. But, since I'm chunking these out and taking requests, it makes sense to me. Yes, "Day of Death" is a defining Chenford episode. But I feel like you need the context of what lead up to it and the fallout on the other side to fully understand its impact and discuss it.
SPOILER ALERT: If you don't want to be spoiled, you don't want to read this. While I do write these as though I'm watching the episodes for the first time and try not to let fore-knowledge come into play, I will be spoiling these episodes in their entirety and everything that came before.
All squared away? Alright, lets dive in.
The Dark Side
"The single men in LA suck. Every time I go out on a date, and they find out that I'm a cop, they just get scared off." ... "Look, those aren't men. Those are boys, okay? Real men are not afraid of strong women."
Heck, yeah, they aren't! Lucy, honey, I get that it's tough out there for you, right now. But someday there will be a single man in LA who doesn't suck and isn't afraid of strong women. You'll see.
But right now, you're looking for anyone who isn't a total dud, and I get that.
"...dating a civilian is a bad idea." "I was told dating cops was a mistake. What am I supposed to do, join a nunnery? Sister Office Lucy Chen?"
I'm so glad I wasn't drinking anything the first time I heard this line because there would have been soda everywhere. My husband heard the line over my shoulder and cracked up, too.
And you might be thinking, "Why is she going into all this? Tim and Lucy are nowhere near ready for romance". Welp, I want to show Lucy's mentality in this episode and will explain once we get to 2x11 how it feeds into the situation and the mis-read from Tim.
"Look, no, I'm saying that right now end of shift means leaving the job behind when you go home. But in success, each one of you is gonna catch cases that kick your ass, that consume your every waking thought. And non-cops won't be able to identify. Worse, they're gonna resent you for caring more about the dead than the living."
It's an interesting thought, and for those of us in Season 5, there's a lot to consider, here. I mean, Lucy was cautioned against dating cops, but Isabel and Tim were Rookies and nobody gave him crap about it, from what we know.
Look, I'm not sorry Lucy and Nolan broke up. But, I do think Lucy should consider dating another cop down the line. *cough* Tim *cough*
"Caleb." "Lucy."
It's a chance meeting at the right time. Lucy is on the hunt for a non-mutant man in Los Angeles, and she ends up at the bar with someone who seems semi-safe.
After the conversation she just had with her friends, we can see she really wants to be with someone.
"I was in college when they found the first victims. It was all anyone talked about. That, and how could a woman be so barbaric." "I worked one of the scenes, fourth victim, Lisa Cruz. Homicide detectives warned me not to look at the body. Should've listened."
I love how they're speaking to one another so openly about the whole thing. There's an ease to how they're walking side-by-side that feels lived-in. Yes, he's still her TO, but this is a glimpse at the other side of him—the one that knows how to have a conversation without screaming or scheming.
"Caleb, from the bar last night... I hope this isn't weird, but you left with your perp before I had a chance to ask for your number."
Tim is giving this guy the side-eye. Look, we are nowhere near romance for this pair, but Tim has come to care about Lucy. He wouldn't call her a friend, yet, but they're definitely on their way.
And Lucy's picking up on Tim's hovering, but I don't think either of them could pick up on the why. My husband swooped in to offer his opinion that Tim picked up bad vibes, but wrote it off because it made him look jealous. I don't think he's far off.
I think Tim was being a little protective. Not necessarily because of romance (everything with Isabelle is very fresh at this point). But, while Lucy is still his "Boot", she is crossing that line more and more towards "friend". Tim cares about what happens with Lucy.
He's trying to watch out for her, but she doesn't want a chaperone. For goodness sake, she's a grown woman, right?
"We don't call them perps." "Right, sorry. Anyway, this is my number. If you ever feel like waiting in vain for a drink, give me a call."
Tim Bradford with the save!! He snatches that tiny piece of paper so fast the camera barely catches it. That's a super hero, my friends.
"You got a last name, Caleb?" "Yes sir. Wright with a W." "What do you do? If you say screenwriter, you're going in a cell."
Lucy's horrified. This might be the worst thing Tim has ever done, in her mind.
Remember, at this point everything with Tim is a test. Everything could be used as subterfuge, and she can't trust what's he's going to do with the information he's gathering.
"I manage a medical supply company downtown." "I'm sorry about him. Things are a little crazy right now." "No problem. It was nice meeting you. Officer."
Tim gives her a "can you believe that guy" look, but she has that same energy directed at him. Tim's surprised by that. He really thought she'd appreciate him looking out for her.
She holds out her hand for her piece of paper, and Tim hands it over as she mouths, "Oh my god".
"Ten bucks that isn't even his dog." "It's been an awful day. Can't I just enjoy a cute puppy?"
Tim's getting a look into how Lucy unwinds and relaxes. All day, she's been sneaking glimpses at Caleb's socials to get a feel for him, and it's helping distract her from the no-good day.
Tim of this era hasn't yet learned how to help Lucy talk through things. But he has learned that Lucy and distractions work well for moderating her panic.
Think of the episode with the nuclear bomb and how they spent the whole episode talking about how to sabotage her ex's wedding. Distraction helps her.
"If I can be wheels up in the next 10 minutes, I might beat the afternoon traffic which means I will be in bed in the next hour."
I love how conversational they're being here. You can already tell the lines of TO and friend are starting to blur.
"That's a mistake." "What? Why?" "Look, after working a hardcore assignment like this, you need to go blow off some steam after shift. You know, give your brain a different focus. It's the only way you have a fighting chance of actually sleeping."
This isn't a Tim Test. He's trying to give her advice. Keep this in mind, my friends. It'll come back.
"As my Training Officer, are you saying that I should go get a drink?" "A strong one. Maybe even with another human."
Tim is really trying to do the right thing, here. He snatched away Caleb's phone number earlier, but Lucy's been cyber-stalking him all day and she looks interested.
"Well, I am here to distract you."
I swear I didn't remember that line when I wrote the part above about Lucy needing a distraction.
And we all know that what started as a distracting night led to a nightmare for Lucy.
Before we move on, I want to talk a little bit about Season 2 Tim and Lucy. I know a lot of people love what DOD does for Chenford in terms of progression. But I argue it doesn't cause the shift, but only expedites it.
Look at Tim in this episode, for example. He's downright conversational and friendly with Lucy. Yes, he tells her to get her head in the game instead of looking at Caleb. Yes, he teases her about her first Decomp, but that's the extent of it.
He talks with her openly and honestly about Rosalind. He tries to protect her from Caleb when he thinks the guy's just an unworthy suitor. He tries to give her advice at the end that isn't attached to any "lesson" but simply sharing what he's learned.
Frankly, I think that's what Lucy expected in a TO—someone to talk her through and give her sage advice. And then she got Tim.
Tim doesn't hand out advice willy-nilly. He's a "show" guy, right? Same thing with how he teaches. He's not much of a "talker" with Lucy when it comes to her training. He's trying to get her to think for herself by putting her through her paces.
But this whole episode, he's talking to her. Heck, he's talking with her. Tim doesn't make friends with his Boots, but Lucy is becoming the exception. They aren't there, yet, but they're on their way.
If we look at this episode separated from DOD (if we can), you can see that Tim and Lucy are already moving towards friends. The events of DOD expedites it, I argue, but they would have eventually gotten there on their own. Tim and Lucy are inevitable.
Day of Death
"My day of death."
The pain of a tattoo. The hangover of whatever drugs he gave her. The inability to move her limbs or fight back. Trying to take note of her surroundings, of anything that might be helpful if she can get away.
And that horrible fear that she won't.
"Sergeant."
It takes Harper two seconds to clock the conversation between the men, and she's the first to jump on it. Why? We'll get to that next episode.
"Lucy did not come home last night. She's not responding to texts or calls." "Did she go out with that guy? The one she met at the bar. Caleb Wright with a W."
He remembers it clearly, but he's trying not to panic. After all, his first date with Rachel was *ahem* memorable. Maybe Lucy moves at that same pace?
"Lucy doesn't do one-night stands." "And she's never late."
Her friends know her well, and Grey's smart enough to run with it. Let's be real, there are scenarios where a Sergeant might not listen, might not take it seriously, might not actually do anything.
This is television, and we're not going to let Lucy Chen go quietly into that good night. But it hits me so hard that there are so many cases where alarm bells are rung and left unanswered.
"Why are you doing this?"
Lucy's trying to keep her head in the game. That's what Tim told her to do last episode, right? Keep your head in the game.
"It's for you. To force you to face the truth of your death. It's the gift of something we rarely get in life—clarity."
Fuck you. I'm sorry. Lucy's thinking it and it needed to be said.
"... we believe Caleb is Rosalind's protege, and he took Officer Chen."
The news slams into Tim. And nobody else in the room sees it or knows why. He doesn't even wait to be dismissed. He rushes out of the room, phone dialing before he makes it through the door.
Because this is too much for him to handle. Tim has tried to handle a lot of things on his own. He's famous for isolating himself and trying to pretend he's fine. But this time he calls his best friend. Because he can't do this alone.
"Lucy's been taken. I need you." "On my way."
"Lucy". Not "Chen". Because in his mind, Lucy is already becoming more than a Boot. No, we're not talking romance, here. We're talking friendship. Kinship. Someone he cares about.
Tim Bradford has a very short list, so the fact that his Rookie is close to making the list is significant. But I'm not one who thinks Tim's romantically interested in her all the way back in Season 2. This thing's grown organically over time, though I'd argue DOD gave it a push, as did certain other episodes covered in Future Metas.
"Look, I know I haven't known Lucy as long as the rest of you, but I do know that she's a fighter."
Hell, yeah, our queen is!
"She's gonna do everything she can to stay alive until we save her."
And she does. She fights like hell and does everything she can to survive. But she's weak. She's lethargic. She's drugged. And she's isolated. Utterly alone.
Imagine that moment of fighting your way out, hoping that there'll be someone to hear your voice, to come to your aid, to get the help you so desperately need... and there's no one.
How much of the fight can you keep alive when you realize how little chance you have of surviving?
"... I can't just sit here."
Here's more of a "show" guy. And there's nobody to show.
"I'm fine. Just blowing off steam."
What he told Lucy to do. What he thought would be safe. What he thought would be relaxing. What he thought would be distracting. What he thought would be fun.
He's not blowing off steam. He's a pressurized gasket ready to explode.
"I get it, but you gotta get your head in the game." "I don't need a pep talk." "Then why'd you call me? Clearly you need to get something off your chest."
Tim forgets the power of words, sometimes. We see it a lot through the season. Maybe it's because he never learned how to use them growing up.
FAST FORWARD: We're a ways away from Season 4 and Tim's backstory episodes that help illuminate just how bad it was for him. Tim's father didn't use words. He used his fists. His mother likely didn't use words, either. They didn't talk about what he went through. He never learned to express himself that way. It takes someone coaxing it out of him, and right now that's his best friend.
"She wanted to go home. Okay? Go to bed. I told her that she should focus on something else. She went out with Caleb because I told her to."
And he's carrying the weight of that guilt. It's too heavy for him to bear. Tim Bradford has carried too many weights, and this one is too much. Did he doom his Rookie to die?
"You couldn't have known."
Angela's whole attitude shifts (how could it not?) because Tim Bradford is expressing emotions with his best friend. And that is huge and this whole thing is horrible.
"But I should have. I'm a cop. I was standing this close to the guy, okay? Right across from him and I never saw him coming. But she did, though. She... Some part of her didn't feel right about this whole thing. She hesitated. And I pushed her right at him."
He's wrong. It has to be said that Lucy might not have gone out with Caleb that night, but it could have been another night. Tim only thinks this because of his own guilt, his own pain, his own frustrations with himself for not being Super Cop.
Lucy wanted to go out with this guy. Maybe she wouldn't have gone out that night without the push. But Caleb was a serial killer, and would've put her on his list sooner or later... and more women would have died in the meantime. It's not Tim's fault any more than it's Lucy's.
He thinks he failed Lucy, but this isn't a situation where you can predict every move. We're not going to victim-blame here. We're not going to point fingers.
Because minus the serial killer plot, this shit happens every day. Around the world, there are people whose drinks are spiked, people who are abducted, people who have their choice and consent ripped from them.
And it's not the victim's fault in any way. And it's not the fault of a friend who suggested they have a fun night out. It's no one's fault but the asshole who perpetrated the crime.
Getting off my soap box, here, now, to get back to the Meta. But watching Tim go through this reminds me of how I still struggle with blaming myself for a friend of mine OD'ing because I didn't reach out to them that night.
What if I'd reached out? What if I hadn't ignored their vague Facebook post thinking that I'd only be adding to their frustrations and that they needed the night to cool off? Would they still be here if I'd commented? Or sent them a message? I'm a state away, so I couldn't reasonably drive... but could I have done something that would have meant they'd still be here?
I know I can't blame myself. But there are some days I still struggle with it. Because she's gone. And I'll never ever know if I could have helped. Cognitively, I know it's not my fault. I couldn't have done anything, but there's that part of you that still thinks... you made the wrong call, and if you'd called it the other way, it might be different, now.
"If I get that away from you, it's going right in your brain."
She kept her head in the game. She's up against life and death, here, and she's at the disadvantage. But she's a fucking fighter. Look, we know that Lucy is tough. This is something else entirely. She's staring down the murderer who wants to hear her scream, who wants to soak up her agony, who wants to get her to crumble.
And Lucy Chen's standing up to that asshole with the ultimate, "Fuck You" by not giving in.
She must want to cry. She must want to scream. But Lucy Chen is a fighter, and she's not going down easy.
Lucy Leaves a Clue
It's a long shot. It's such a bloody long shot. But she has to try. Lucy truly believes that she will be found, long shot as it is.
And that hope can be a powerful thing. Caleb tried to wield it against her, but he's no match for her.
"Any last words?" "Yeah. You're gonna be dead long before I am."
Damn right, Lucy Chen. Damn right.
"Now, I am responsible for a life that is in jeopardy, and I will do whatever I have to to save her."
And he means it. Watch Jackson's surprise to see Tim Bradford slam a guy's head against the horn. Because Tim's unhinged, here. Someone he cares about has been taken, and he doesn't give a damn what happens to him or his career.
He'll let it all fall if it means Lucy survives.
FAST FORWARD: We talk a lot about how Tim makes sacrifices for Lucy where his career is concerned. And while in later seasons it becomes their thing, I think in this case he'd have done it for any of his few friends. We later see him risk it all for Angela when she's kidnapped, too. Tim has a separate code for his friends. And Lucy's falling more under it over time. Again not romantic... yet.
"There can be charges in here that lead us to Caleb."
Did you clock that brief smile? Before Jackson walks up, Tim thinks they're at a dead end. Lucy's lost. She's gone. And he'll never get to atone for his mistake.
Jackson brings a sliver of light and hope, and it's enough that Tim actually briefly grins. It's not over, yet.
"Stars shining bright above you..."
The song. Lucy's song to keep herself calm and regulate her breathing. Yes, not talking would have been better, but she needs this. She needs light and life and love. Something bright to pierce the darkness.
Her oxygen is running low, and she's having more trouble breathing, more trouble seeing a way out. The last thing she's going to give that bastard is the satisfaction of watching her scream.
And Melissa O'Neil is breaking my heart. Acting-wise, she is literally in a barrel. There's no one to react off of. There's no one feeding her lines.
It's just Lucy in a barrel, and it's up to the actress to make us feel. No cool camera angles. No sweeping score. Melissa O'Neil had to carry us through this and she did it masterfully.
Yes, the Writers decided to have her singing this song. The script, or a Director or Editor decided to strip the rest of the sound from the overlapping visuals (there's a lot of playing with sound and its impact in this episode that's jaw-droppingly beautiful).
But Melissa O'Neil is the one who has to make us believe it. And we do.
A Glint of Light
Tim's eyes scan the miles of land, looking for some sign of disturbance to clue him in on Lucy's location. But it's something that doesn't belong that grabs his attention—something that literally catches the light of the sun and draws Tim in. Her ring.
He picks it up, still uncertain, but following the clue. A few kicks and... a thunk.
"I've got her! I've got her!"
Tim starts digging in the ground with his bare hands, the grit getting under his fingernails, the dust getting into his lungs. He registers the others, but only barely. He has to get to Lucy.
The ground gives way enough to reach the lid. Tim's hands are all over it, Nyla on one side and Jackson on the other. When they can finally see her, Tim asks for help as they pull her out. But he hovers, staying close, being certain he is the one to make sure she's alive.
Because if she's dead, it's on him.
Look, we know Tim didn't do anything wrong. But Tim Bradford carries a lot of scars and blames himself for a lot of things he shouldn't. And if he can't get to her in time, if he pulls her out and she's truly gone... he can never atone for this.
She's not breathing. Tim blows into her mouth and starts pumping on her chest. The sound drains from the world... just the discordant notes sounding off and echoing like the dying hope of Lucy surviving.
Lucy gasps, and the sound returns to the world. Each person takes a breath of relief. But then the sound zeroes in only on two people—Lucy and Tim.
"You're so strong," he murmurs, soft enough for her to hear, but no one else. But she doesn't hear anything. It's too much. It's all too fucking much. The sobs she'd held in before finally spill out as Tim pulls her close, holding her tight.
He thought he'd lost her. And, again, there's no romance here. But she matters, damnit. She matters to Tim more than he thought she would when they first met. He presses a hand to her hair, pushing his face next to hers.
It screams "I'm here. I'm here." Because in his mind, he is the one who failed her and it had to be him to save her. He owed it to her. He was responsible for her. He fucked up.
And it almost cost her her life.
Again, I don't think that. But Tim does. He truly believes he's the one who failed her. And when you have very few people in your life who care about you (and Lucy has demonstrated many times that she does care about Tim), you don't want to do anything to lose that.
But Tim believes he almost lost Lucy because he wasn't good enough. It plays so much into his childhood trauma, his trauma with his ex-wife, and everything else. Tim thinks he failed.
She doesn't cling to him, no. Her hands shake and her body convulses from the pain. But she lets him hold her there, back in the air, out of her barrel.
Tim isn't her person, yet. But she cares about him, and she knows deep down that he cares about her. She even told Rachel about his good heart.
But her not holding him is completely appropriate to the moment. It's not about him. This is about her. Her trauma. Her survival. Lucy's breaking in this moment. She spent so much time keeping her head in the game, and now she's finally releasing all the anguish she refused to show Caleb.
And she is safe in Tim's arms to fall apart.
I knew from the Pilot that Eric Winter was a tour-de-force. But in this episode we see so many damn layers. And Tim's relief at holding her in his arms at the end instead of cradling her corpse is palpable.
The way this scene is shot and performed and the sound... it all puts us in the moment. We are right there with them, and it's one of my favorite scenes of the entire series.
Here in the barren waste of sand and silence... there's life.
"Hmm. What are you reading, Teen Rebel?"
She wakes up to see Tim there, waiting. He hasn't slept. He hasn't left. We know that. He's spent the past 24 hours feeling completely responsible for Lucy, and it's not easy to leave the side of the person who you pushed yourself to save.
And the first thing she says to him isn't about what she's survived, or even about him finding her. It's about the damn magazine. And it's perfect.
After what she's survived, Lucy needs something familiar. And Tim is pretty damn familiar in her life.
Before we get too much further... I want to call out the lengths Tim went to save Lucy.
FAST FORWARD: We haven't yet reached, "Some things matter more". But Tim's already showing that in action. He's a "show" guy, remember?
Tim was willing to do whatever it took to save her. He would put it all on the line, and that's because he cares about her. No, they're not ripping one another's clothes off. It's Season 2, she's his Boot, and he doesn't even acknowledge friendship with her, yet.
But she is becoming his friend. She's becoming one of the very few people that Tim Bradford will upend the world for.
"They actually have some really insightful political articles."
Watch how fast that man wheeled his little chair over to her side. It makes me giggle with glee.
"Oh, which BTS member is your soulmate. Gotta be Suga, right?" "Totally. What's a BTS?"
Lucy laughs. Probably her first good laugh in days. And it's with Tim. Hardass, Tim Test, never-lets-up Tim.
"Have you been here all night?" "No. Mmhm. No." "Mmhmm."
Because TO Tim can't show that he cares. Not yet. I mean, he's never felt this friendly toward a Boot, and he can't go soft on her when she still has so far to go before crossing the finish line.
Remember, Tim likes rules and staying within them—whether they're the rules set out for him by a superior or the ones he's created for himself. Counting Lucy a friend is outside the lines. But much as he might try to deny it, he's showing it.
He's used to giving his Rookies what he thinks they need, and with Lucy, it's most often tough love and some manipulative tests. For him to break through his own wall of separating personal life from professional life is too much. So, he lies.
But Lucy can see right through him. Strangely, she's always had that power.
"How did you find me?"
Nolan interrupts the moment. Damnit, Nolan! But we'll all get to that later... next episode.
There's a reason I wanted to do these three together. Look, this show is still basically a Procedural at its heart with some continuous story lines. But these three episodes feel more serial than a lot of the show, and because of that, I think the whole picture is required to ascertain its meaning.
"He is a she and she is going to sleep in my bed since I am clearly never going on a date, again."
We started this whole trilogy with Lucy considering a nunnery. And, again, I think this calls attention to what it's like to be a single woman in the world. Yes, assaults can happen to anyone.
But as a woman, I can tell you I never get anything to drink but water when I'm out with my friends. I never leave my drink unattended. And a male friend always walks me to my car. Theater kids go out a lot to bars (like, after every rehearsal), so there was a season in my life where this was a nightly ritual. Trying to stay safe out there.
So, if Lucy doesn't want to ever date again after her ordeal, I don't bloody blame her, and neither do her best friend, past fling, and future husband.
"You hungry?"
Sometimes I swear this man is part Jewish mother. If you Fast Forward in the series, you see he's always trying to feed this woman.
And, yes, I'm saying this from experience. There was an old saying that if you wanted a lot more food from my Great-Aunt Mary, you said you wanted a little. If you wanted a little, you said you wanted none. And if you wanted none, you hid your plate.
"Yeah. I'm starving. You know what I really wanna eat right now?" "Veggie burger and fries. Extra pickles."
Awwwww! Remember in 2x01 when she sent him food? "You shouldn't have done that." "Well, I wanted to. And eating well is crucial to a fast recovery."
He's using the lessons he learned from her as an act of love. Again, not romantic love. But love, nonetheless.
"You know me so well." "Too well."
Look at those smiles. Alright, y'all, I'll admit those smiles put butterflies in my stomach, too.
And the fact that the director chose to take us off of the wide shot so we only saw Tim and Lucy for these last few lines. Because this is about them.
Tim is caring about Lucy far more than he should. And he's growing aware of that. But the nature of this episode makes it impossible for him to shove it down entirely. He writes it off as concern and guilt, and doesn't realize he's been slowly letting Lucy into his circle of friends.
But if we talk about who really knows Lucy in this scene? It's Tim.
Jackson brought pretty flowers, which are nice, but will die. Nolan brought the most giant, pink bear. She's cute, but eventually she'll disappear from Lucy's life because her next boyfriend's not going to want to share the bed with a pink stuffy (unless he's into that... no judgment).
Tim. Brought. Her. Food. Yes, it'll be gone pretty quickly. But I can tell you after not being allowed to eat for both my deliveries of my three kids, I was famished. Lucy hasn't eaten in days, and she wants something filling and comforting. Tim brought her the exact order she wanted without her having to ask.
As much as he tries to separate professional and personal, Lucy's blurring those lines. To me, the Season 1 finale was really the start of that. And Tim bites back against that as much as he can in Season 2 (even treating Lucy like shit because she didn't report him for suicidal ideation).
But this trilogy of episodes breaks down that wall further. Yes, he's still her TO and he's still not going to think of her as a friend. But S2-3 is where that really comes together. They were already on their way, but with these events, he softens towards her in a way he never anticipated.
We get to see him soft throughout the series with "his people". But at this point, he's not yet ready to admit Lucy is one of them. It's outside his standard operating procedure for Rookies.
But, despite his protests, he's making a friend. The kind of friend that sticks. The kind of friend that doesn't leave. The kind of friend that loves with abandon.
And someday, someday, she might become more than that. But right now, he's not even ready to admit she's a friend... but, damn, our "show" guy really showed it.
I really want to call out the coloration and choices of this episode. When Lucy first wakes up on the table (with no establishing shot, so we're as clueless to how isolated she is, just as she is), everything i s tripped back. Melissa O'Neil's makeup is stripped down and we can see her pores.
The first time I watched that scene I thought, "Wow, they really stripped out all the color". There's something about the harshness of yellows, beiges, and browns on their own that evoke old Westerns. That sense of isolation, famine, and drought.
Lucy's world is often so vibrant that the stark shift helps us feel the anxiety with her. There's nothing bright or beautiful about this world. Only de-saturated hopelessness.
Now and Then
Lucy In The Mirror
Lucy's wounds have healed. Her wrists are free of the tie marks. Her face is free of the cuts and bruises. But the tattoo remains. She can hear the sound of the tattoo gun in her mind.
Yes, Lucy has many tattoos, but those were of her choosing. This was another violation—something inflicted upon her. Lucy tries covering up, but the foundation sticks to her shirt.
And, yes, there are makeups out there that can cover up tattoos. Being the daughter of a makeup artist, I know way too much about it and have seen mother in action covering an entire chest full of tattoos for a shoot. That's not the point.
The point of this scene is to remind us (and Lucy) that this can't be covered up. It's on her. It's permanent unless she has it burned off.
"When can she have it removed?" "Four weeks. Two days. Nine hours."
Her mind is on it all the time. She knows it down to the hour. Doesn't sound like someone who's healed to me. But, duh. That's the whole point of the episode.
"Hey, so what's your plan?" "For what?" "Officer Chen. I'm sure you've got some Alpha strategy to get her back on the horse, so, what is it?"
Let's be real. Tim would be Tim, but he wasn't going to be his harshest self on her first day back. He wouldn't be capable of it. But Nyla doesn't know that.
"So basically get her into as many fights as possible." "I'm gonna remind her that she's a cop, not a victim." "She knows that she's not a victim. Look, Chen doesn't need to fight. She needs to make peace with the voice inside of her head telling her she's never gonna be safe again."
I wish someone had asked Lucy. Looking at this situation, they're both coming at it from the wrong angle for Lucy. Tim's going for how he processes and Nyla's going for how she does. Neither of them asks Lucy what she needs.
Look, these are characters who are going to do what's in-character. For the scene and the arc, this has to go this way. But as a person who has had a lifetime of people thinking they know what I need and making it a thousand times worse, I have a personal response to this.
But in character? Both Tim and Nyla want what's best for Lucy and think they're the one to give it to her.
"Okay, I've been training Rookies a lot longer than you. I know what she needs." "That's ego talking. What happened to Chen is every woman's worst fear." "I'm aware of that." But you have never lived that fear."
That stops Tim. Because she's right. Part of Tim's arc in Season 1 and 2 with Lucy by his side is discovering his subconscious biases. She forces him to think beyond what he thinks he knows.
And here, he's facing that even without Lucy present. Because she's opening up his mind to seeing past his own limited perspective.
"It's clear that you have her best interests at heart. I am just asking you to consider whether she might be better served by someone who has been through what she has been through."
This is a lot for Nyla to offer. A woman's experiences are not owed to anyone. But she chooses to give him this insight into why she really believes she's the best person to help Lucy through.
And Tim's listening. He's really listening to what she's saying.
"And that someone's you." *nods* "Okay. I'll tell Grey to make the switch."
I love Eric Winter's choices on this. He's reacting not only to the information that Nyla just shared, knowing that she doesn't want apologies or empty words from him. He didn't do it. But he's sorry it happened. He's face to face with someone in uniform who, like Lucy, thought they were safe with someone when they weren't.
And he's thinking of Lucy. The last thing he wants to do is hurt her, to make this harder, to set her back.
Lucy At Roll Call
She pauses outside the room. Much as she wants to get back at it, this is a point-of-no-return morning. She doesn't want special treatment. She doesn't want weird glances. She doesn't want whispered words.
She doesn't want the damn applause.
"Congratulations you survived but you're branded by a serial killer and still processing the emotional trauma and we want you know that we are all talking about you, and looking at you, and thinking about you."
Damn it.
"Welcome back, Officer Chen. How're you feeling? Can't wait to get on the streets, sir, just get back to normal." "We're going to mix things up a bit. You're going to be riding with Harper this week."
What. The. Fuck!? Lucy just said that she wants to go back to normal. Riding with Nyla is not normal.
Lucy looks back to Tim for confirmation and he nods. But she's still confused. She's on-edge. She didn't expect to come back to work straight into a Tim Test, and that's what this feels like.
Everything that she wanted for transitioning back to work is going wrong.
"I'm not interested in chasing tame calls today."
Because Tim needs to process his way. Look, he in no way went through what Lucy did. Not at all. But he's still carrying his guilt and frustrating, and he needs to channel that into something he can do.
Tim is a man of action, and since he can't take action to help Lucy through her re-acclimation, he's going to do what he needs to do to distract him from worrying about her—his job.
"So why the switch?" "Tim felt you'd be better served riding with me." "Yeah, right. This has to be some kind of elaborate Tim Test that he roped you into." "Do I strike you as someone who could get roped into anything? Especially by Bradford?"
Note the switch from "Tim" to "Bradford". Nyla was trying to keep it conversational at the beginning, but the second Lucy calls out perceived pliability, Nyla snaps back to put Lucy in her place.
"Fair enough. So, I'll ask you again, why the switch?" "I convinced him that I would have more insight into what you were going through and could therefore be more helpful to your re-integration onto the streets."
Look how Lucy recoils. Much as Lucy loves talking things out, she doesn't want to talk about this. She doesn't want to have to think about what she's been through while she's out here. She wants normal.
"Did you go on a date with a serial killer, too?" "Uh, no." "Well, then I'm not sure how much help you'd be. But it's fine, 'cause I don't need any help. I've already worked through the trauma using both cognitive and exposure therapy combined with mindful breathing and Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. So, it's, it's fine."
Of course, we know Lucy's far from fine. But this isn't what she wanted. She didn't want to have special treatment. She didn't want to be pulled from working with Tim. Frustrating as he is, he's familiar. That's normal.
And Lucy's gone through all the Psychological steps she thinks will help her be fine. It's her blind spot, truly. Because she seems to think there's a point where you're just "fine" and don't need to process anymore.
No, that trauma will come up, again, we know. But right now she doesn't want to face it. She's trying to pretend her way to being fine.
"Need backup for a felony car stop." "You sure?" "Hell, yeah."
Everyone's surprised to hear her voice. But she wants to get back at it. She doesn't want to feel different. It's bad enough what she has to deal with in her head. At the Station, she's a Rookie, yeah, but she's a cop.
And the more I look at this episode the more it feels like Lucy and Tim have traded spots for a day. Normally, Tim's the one who doesn't want to talk and would rather bury himself in the job. And Lucy's usually the one second-guessing.
But Tim second-guessed himself this morning and let Nyla have Lucy. And everyone wants Lucy to talk, but she'd rather get in the action.
"You want me to do the paperwork?" "Oh, nope."
Tim always has Lucy do the paperwork. She wants to do what's familiar, what's natural, what's practiced. "Please let me be normal".
"That was a nice job out there." "Thanks." "So you're just not gonna let me help you at all." "I don't need any help."
Look, we all know that she does, but not like this. Nyla wants so badly to help Lucy, but if Lucy isn't ready, trying to push her like this isn't going to change anything. It's going to push her further inward.
"Did you get the flowers we sent?" "And the basket. Thank you."
Lucy really has some lovely people in her life. And look at her genuine appreciation for Abigail, here. Baskets are one of Lucy's love languages, and she nailed it.
"What the hell is this? I let you run around with Harper for half the day and you start hugging people on duty?" "Don't listen to him. He's all bark."
Tim is being his grumpy-ass self and Lucy's smiling like the sunshine that she is. This is what she thought she'd have today. This rhythm to which she's already grown accustomed.
Yes, Tim gets under her skin and pisses her off. But she knows him. She's used to him. The Tim Tests come when she least expects it, but she knows to expect that.
While there are many mysteries left to this man, he's been her biggest constant during her Rookie year. And it's nice to get to talk to him.
"All bark? She is not buying what you're selling." "Because I don't hold her fate in my hands."
They're teasing. We're to the point in their relationship where they can tease one another, and you can see how comfortable Lucy is in this.
Apart from the action, this is the most comfortable we've seen her all episode.
"Heard you dodged some bullets." "Yeah, a few. What, are you keeping tabs on me?"
The discomfort is back. Because even Tim Fucking Bradford is acting different around her. There's a softness to him that she's never seen before directed at her. Yes, she's seen it... but not with those eyes directed her way.
"Look, if you need anything, you let me know."
Finally, someone asks what she needs. All day, people (including Tim) have been making assumptions about what she needs. But here Tim is truly putting her first and trying to see if there's anything he can really do.
"You got a time machine?" "I wish I did."
Because he'd go back and take back the decision that fed her to the lion. Yes, we all know it's not Tim's fault. But he still feels like it is. And this is what Lucy really wishes she had—not some remedy or quick fix... that it never happened.
"You're not gonna shower?" "Uh, I'm gonna do it a home."
Because she doesn't want the stares. She doesn't want the questions. She doesn't want the reminder.
She's wearing concealer under her shirt because she doesn't want to see the thing. And she's tired of the comments and special treatment. Lucy wants to go back to normal.
Now, we can already see from this episode that "normal" isn't really possible. Relationships have shifted. Lucy is not the same woman she was before. Yes, she'll open up parts of her that shut down over time, but she'll never be who she was before that night of carefree drinks gone wrong.
But that's what Lucy wants in this moment. Normalcy.
"Oh, but you're not going home."
The hell?! She was just abducted and now you won't let her go home? Sorry, but that was my gut reaction watching this.
"We have plans. Girls' Night." "Oh, I get it. You've seen that I'm find on the job, but you're still not convinced." "We just thought it would be fun." ... "It's... you guys have just never asked me out before."
Think of how happy Lucy was that she was getting invited to something normal!? And with these two bad-ass women!
Lucy spends so much of her time in the first two seasons with Jackson and Nolan that we rarely get to see her with the other women of the Station.
She was going to get to have a night out with two women she trusts—something safe. And she had just relaxed into that when they pulled this shit.
Look, I'm salty at these two. I love Nyla and Angela's my number three on the show. But this was a terrible idea. Nyla was critical of Tim throwing her into work, but she's throwing her into the dating pool.
And it's no wonder Lucy was triggered. She isn't ready to date, again. And that's fine. She should be able to get out there when she is ready.
But we all experience the world through out unique lenses and experiences. And a very real mistake we make is assuming because I need it this way, you do, too.
I have twin sons. When they were 9 months old, a friend handed down a toy to us. You throw a ball into the toy and it makes a noise. Ta-da! One child giggled uncontrollable. They other screamed and broke down in sobs.
Different people react differently. They need different coping mechanisms. They need different healing paths. When we try too hard to homogenize treatment, we miss the opportunity for true healing.
And part of the problem here is the utter lack of communication. Nyla has hinted to Tim what she went through, but she hasn't given Lucy any indication.
Now, Nyla doesn't owe Lucy her story. But she has chosen to help Lucy, and it would be a helluva lot easier to get through to Lucy if she communicated with her.
"Hey, Lucy had a bit of a moment last night when we were out."
Tim. Is. Pissed. Angela can tell that's all it took for him to be ready to go into Tim-Mode on someone's ass.
"It's not a big deal. She's fine." "What the hell is Harper doing?" "Helping. Don't get all 'Tim' on me. I just thought you should know." "Lucy's okay?" "She will be." "Alright. Thanks for letting me know."
Angela is the only one who knows about Tim's guilt. She's the only one who knows the weight he's been carrying, blaming himself for what happened to Lucy. She's the only one to know he has a growing soft spot for her.
So she does the right thing and gives him a heads-up.
And note how it's always "Lucy" when he's talking with Angela in these episodes. With Nolan, it's "Chen" because Nolan is not Tim's friend. But Angela's his best friend, and he can let his guard down a little when it comes to her.
Nyla Shares Her Tale
We already said that Nyla doesn't owe anyone her story. But by keeping it from Lucy, Lucy was pushing her away. She truly thought it was another outsider with outside opinions trying to force her to be okay.
Hearing Nyla's story, she is finally able to see her differently. There's a beat right after Lucy says, "I'm so sorry," where Melissa O'Neil shifts her gaze from cynical to sisterly—Lucy sees herself in Nyla.
For the first time since she's gotten out of that barrel, there's someone who isn't an outsider who truly wants to help.
"I shut down. I didn't even tell my husband. I kept telling myself that I would deal with it when I was ready." "But with every passing week it just got worse." "Maybe I pushed you too hard last night. But I know what it is like when you do not face things head-on."
Look how Lucy has shifted. Because Nyla can relate. Lucy was pushing so hard against her from the get-go that she missed the signs on this.
She was so focused on pushing everyone away and keeping everyone out that she missed that Nyla wasn't another outsider looking in with "expert" opinions on something they know nothing about. Nyla really does know.
"You and Chen are close, right?"
"I used to be inside her on the regular, so, yeah." I'm sorry. I had to. It was the first thing that popped into my head when I watched the scene.
"How's she doing? I mean, really doing?"
Because Tim is in his phase of needing to know how Lucy is, but not being the one "in the know". He's still her TO, and going directly to her for information is outside his code. But he can't help worrying. Lucy matters to him.
"She's good. Really. I think she'll be better once she gets that tattoo removed. Can you imagine that? Walking around every day branding by the worst thing that's ever happened to you? " "You think because it's physical, it's worse? Tragedies always leave scars. Only some of them you can see."
Again, this is about perspective. Some people are visual learners. Some are auditory. Some learn by doing.
I have a weird quirk of my brain that a memory is stronger for me if I can see a photo of it. Yes, I have other memories, but I can almost transport back to the moments in my photo albums since I've had decent memory. Visuals are important for me.
To Tim, it doesn't matter if it's visual or not. But Lucy might be different. Seeing that every day might mean more to her than it does to him. He's not considering that.
Seriously, as a former Communications student (two degrees in it), this episode is a masterclass in personal bias and intrapersonal vs interpersonal communication. In the moments of actual connection there's communication that's clear and concise.
Throughout the episode, everyone is making choices that are complicating matters. They're trying to do what's right, but they're doing it without clarity.
Nyla gets through to Lucy best when she talks to the woman in an open and honest manner. Same with Tim, later.
But, I'm skipping ahead...
A Punching Bag
Remember how I said Tim and Lucy have switched places this episode? In the same place where Lucy once offered Tim perspective (on his learning disability) and a gift (the book on tape), Tim will have his moment.
Lucy wipes her face without thinking, and Tim gets a glimpse of the tattoo. It flusters Lucy as she turns. She doesn't want to talk about it.
He's come down here for a reason. After spending all day asking others about her, he needs to see her for himself.
He wants to say something, too, but he's second-guessing. Ever since he pushed her toward a serial killer, he's been second-guessing where she's concerned.
"You got no quit in you, do you, Boot?" "No, sir. I get that from you." "I don't think so. You walked in the door this way. It's what makes you so aggravating."
He's teasing her. This is their rhythm. They've found it and they've earned it, and she's been stripped from it when she really wanted something familiar.
"I'm taking that as a compliment." "It was meant to be. You have a good night." "Yeah, you, too."
Tim turns to go, shoving his hands in his pockets. As he does, his fingers graze the ring... her ring. The ring he's been carrying around because it's tangible. It's something he can hold onto and remind himself that it's true—Lucy lived.
He turns around, no longer second-guessing. He has something to say, and he can only hope she hears him.
"You know, I got half a dozen scars. Bullet wounds, knife wounds, broken bottle. Then there's the ones you can't see, Isabel's addiction, a dad who would tune me up on the regular. And whether I like it or not, they're a part of me."
I can't remember him talking this openly about the trauma of Isabel's addiction before. But, he's in the Lucy role, today. He's talking things out while she's taking it out on a punching bag.
"I know what you're trying to do. And I appreciate it, but this is different. I was tattooed by a sadist who etched my day of death into my skin." "Okay, but you didn't die. Okay? You lived. And now he's the one in the ground."
Lucy sighs, because here's another outsider telling her what to do and how to feel.
"I'm not trying to tell you what to do with it. Okay? Burn it off, keep it, whatever gives you peace."
That's a little better. Lucy starts listening at that. Because, everyone's trying to push her in a direction, and he makes it clear that that's not his intention. He's not trying to push her to do or be anything.
"All I'm trying to do is give you some hard-won perspective."
If this was Pee Wee's Playhouse, we'd all have to scream because "Perspective" is the word of the day. Because each person's perspective has been an obstacle, today. Each person's perspective has been a roadblock.
But Tim's being very clear that he's offering only that—his Perspective. And, remember, Lucy cares very much what Tim thinks of her. She cares how he sees her. She doesn't want to let him down.
"You can choose to see that tattoo as your greatest failure. But I see it as proof that you're a survivor."
"You're so strong," he'd whispered when she started breathing, again. She might have been too overwhelmed at the moment to ever remember that, but we do. He recognized her strength and ability to survive right then.
This isn't lip-service. This is Tim Bradford being completely honest about how he sees Lucy.
"It wasn't your day of death, Officer Chen. It was the first day of the rest of your life. And no one can take that away from you."
There it is. No, this isn't going to "fix" the pain that Lucy's feeling. It's not going to make the trauma disappear. It's not going to erase the memories. But this mind-flip of that tattoo is powerful.
Because Caleb made her say aloud what that tattoo meant. He told her that it was for her, for her perspective, for her to own up to what he said it meant.
And here's Tim Bradford, a man who Lucy respects and trusts, helping her look at it from a different angle.
And isn't that what Tim does so well? Lucy even calls him out on it later in the show... He's the king at coming at things sideways and seeing another angle.
What he's saying is, "YOU, Lucy, get to decide how you look at that tattoo." She's spent so much time looking at it from Caleb's perspective that she didn't consider there was an alternative.
"Thanks." "Yeah. You're welcome."
Tim shoves his hands back in his pocket, and they both let the moment pass, easily. He said what he needed to say, and she heard him. Now, they can move forward.
"You riding with me tomorrow?" "Yes sir." "Good. Get in early. War bags need restocking." "Okay."
Tim pulls the ring from his pocket and tosses it to Lucy before she can register what it is. As she opens her hands, she sees it—her ring.
The ring she tossed off her hand in hopes that someone would find it. And Tim did. He found it. He found her.
"How did you find me?" Lucy asked from her hospital bed. Now, she has the answer.
Lucy looks up at Tim in awe and surprise. He smiles at the ring at her hand, and then back at her. He'd been carrying it around for a while because he didn't yet have Lucy back. Yes, she was at work, but not riding with him.
Tim once talked to Lucy about finding something tangible to focus on instead of the intangibility of nuclear disaster. Yes, he was being figurative, but I don't put it past him to take it literal. Lucy is back, but not back with him, yet.
Tomorrow, she'll be in his Shop. And now he doesn't need something tangible to hold onto to remind him that she is coming back, because she'll be there. By his side.
This is theirs. Tim told no one how he found her. She told no one that she'd dropped the ring. Only Tim and Lucy know this part of her story... of their story.
*phew* this one was emotionally exhausting. It took a week of work. But, I hope you enjoy it. It's heavier than most, but I think it's earned.
I would argue that Tim and Lucy are already on their way to friendship at the beginning of this trilogy, but the events that happen expedite it, and also solidify their trust of one another.
Tim respects the hell out of her. He knows what she's capable of, and now he's seen it for himself. Yes, he's going to be tough on her, again, when he's ready. And, yes, she's going to be pissed at him, when she's ready.
But only Tim and Lucy know who they are in the in-betweens. When the cameras aren't rolling on their chests and nobody else is listening in—like this ending scene. This is theirs.
And as they move forward in their relationship, there are all these touchstones, these pillars that shifted things that they can look back on as guide posts or stepping stones that at the time seemed small, but proved essential to their journey.
And, oh, I can't wait to see where it takes them next.
As always, thanks for reading.
#Chenford#Lucy Chen#Tim Bradford#Melissa O'Neil#Eric Winter#The Rookie#Meta#tw abuse#tw assault#tw rape
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I feel like you'd have some interesting oppinions on this.
What do you think of spells having "prerequisites" to learn, and I mean besides being of the appropriate spell level and class. Like maybe you need to know "spell a" before you can learn "spell b", or something like that?
It's a good question. Narratively it makes sense, right - it'd be like real life where you have to know about certain concepts before you can understand ones that are built on top of them. And we already have rules to say you can't craft certain magic items unless you know the spells contained in them.
I think it's an idea that could work well, but the system would have to be designed to accomodate it. Assuming we're talking about 5th edition D&D, I think it runs into a couple of issues, which I'll explore below the cut.
Not to mention that it wouldn't work at all for clerics, druids or paladins.
I feel like there's a pretty high risk that this would act as a tax where you have to take spells you don't want in order to take ones that you do, which doesn't really serve any gameplay purpose and wouldn't be fun for players. Espeically considering that wizards can know basically as many spells as they want, while all other known-spell casters are already hard pressed for making their choices count. So it's not even a fair tax.
A key issue for me is that 5e lets you boost spells by casting from a higher level slot. That means there aren't any spells that are just direct upgrades of lower-level ones any more. The core rules only have a handful of 'spell Bs' that would warrant a prerequisite. Granted, quite a few of my own homebrew spells are just modified versions of canonical spells, but I don't think it adds much to them to say "you can't learn this unless you already know the vanilla version".
And again, most of the obvious candidates for needing a prerequisite are cleric spells (lesser restoration -> greater restoration, revivify -> raise dead -> resurrection -> true resurrection, cure wounds -> mass cure wounds).
The flavour we've been given about how spells are learned somewhat alleviates the lack of realism, too (i.e. "how can you know delayed blast fireball if you don't know how to cast a regular fireball?"). Wizards learn spells by rote by studying books and scrolls, with each spell's mechanics being essentially sui generis. Bards pick up secret tricks here and there on their travels and don't really know how their spells 'work'. Warlocks are directly gifted their spells by their patrons and also don't usually know how their spells work. In all of those cases, there's a built-in explanation for why you know the spells you know, which doesn't depend on knowing simpler versions. Meanwhile I don't think the ranger list has a single spell that would logically need a prerequisite.
That does leave sorcerers. It's harder to wave away the above delayed blast fireball question for a sorcerer. Plus you could say that any spell cast with metamagic is actually a different spell, so they're already kind of doing the whole 'know spell A in order to be able to cast other spells' thing. Unfortunately, sorcerer is the class that's hurting the most for spells known, so it'd be unfair to tell a player they can't learn a spell because they don't have it's prerequisite. I guess you could imagine that they did know how to cast the prerequisite spell, but just forgot it because they weren't using it any more? They can replace spells on level up, after all.
One thing I have done in the past as a DM is require a character to know a spell A in order to create their own custom spells (which I've then let them have without it taking up a 'spells known' slot). For example, I required Astra's player to learn haste before she was able to forumlate Astra's instant antique. I'd say something like that is reasonable and can lead to fun interactions, without running into the problems I've discussed above.
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I guess I overthink the pattern of the use of different colors with Buck now and I NEED to talk about the use of the orange range of the color wheel in his wardrobe.
Because like, it's the therapy color, is the color he's wearing when we find out he's seeing Dr. Copeland (on 4x02). (Go back to therapy Buck)
But looking for all the colors he wears, I noticed he's wearing a darker shade of it when he first talks to Mackey which is the thing that starts the lawsuit which is interesting when you look at the way Buck's loneliness makes him do stupid shit and yes, the lawsuit happens before the therapy, but the therapy session is literally where he talks about hiding "his true feelings" so the use of the same color he's wearing here is interesting (on 3x04)
Because he turns loneliness into resentment leading to the whole mess with the lawsuit and it all starts in fucking burnt orange. And it's also the color he's wearing in the situation that ends the lawsuit mess, so nice little full-circle moment where he thinks he's not enough without the uniform but saves 2 people without it (on 3x06).
But what are other moments baby boy is in this color?
When he's at madney's apartment stress baby proofing it before he tells Maddie about the therapy but is also very vague about why he needs therapy. And also when he tells Maddie about how she called him sad and lonely and how he's fine but just wants to be "finer" which, you know, doesn't really feel like he's being completely honest. (on 4x03)
Also when he finds out about Daniel and we all know he represses the shit out of that information. And the thing about the scene where he finds out about him is that he's making light of what Maddie's baby box means to him then he gets hit in the face with a 30-year-long lie and he just walks away (on 4x04 and 4x05).
Also when he's lying to Chim about not knowing about why Maddie left. A lighter more yellow shade, but still in the same range.
And outside the family drama, we have the first time we see him and Taylor in what could be interpreted as a date. They're grabbing lunch, no hookups in the bathroom or leaving him with his pants down in a parking lot, just them talking, hanging out. Buck is talking around his point because he needs something from Taylor, I wouldn't say he's hiding true feelings here unless we want to discuss how soon after we see them reconnect, Buck decided he wanted more with her and the hiding thing is him saying she's just a friend, but it's a possibility (on 4x11)
But it is interesting when you pair that with the fact that he was also wearing that color on his first date with Natalia because if we want to talk about Buck hiding his true feelings, that boy being all bashful about his death is definitely high up on the list (on 6x15).
And the second date too, where he's all this is the real Evan Buckley but we can hear the narrator's voice going "this was not the real Evan Buckley" (rip math powers :/) (on 6x17)
He's also wearing it after the blackout when he lets Eddie walk away after he pretty much told him to break up with Ana and Eddie tells him he's doing it and when we see him alone in the loft after (on 5x03).
This particular interpretation of this particular chain of events can absolutely be called a stretch, but, how excited Buck looks asking Eddie if Chris already knows he's going home and the way he walks into the loft looking defeated and the way he says "hey honey I'm home" to the ceiling can absolutely be seen as "this is not the home I want to be in" considering the way Buck is bad with being alone, he just spent 5 days at the station with most of the people he loves and the first thing he does when he notices Eddie in the locker room is to ask about Chris, maybe he was waiting for an invitation from Eddie? Feels plausible to me ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
He's also wearing it when Taylor kisses him and consequentially when he goes to see Eddie after he wakes up. Because when he's talking to Taylor he's making light of the way he went up that crane and when he's talking to Eddie he's severely downplaying how affected he is about the situation so Eddie won't worry about him (all of the below are on 4x14).
And there's the major I'm hiding how I'm truly feeling moment that he's wearing this color, because he's wearing it during the will reveal.
Because let's be real, Buck is not saying anything about how he's really feeling in this scene, Eddie completely shifts his worldview in 5 minutes but he doesn't say it. He just accepts it.
And that leading to him standing by the door, not going in, watching Eddie and Christopher? Come on.
(Side note, he's wearing this burnt orange/ochre color in every major conversation he has in this episode, except for when he's talking to Carla about how it's all affecting Chris, where he's wearing grey, and when Taylor comes back and they get together, where he's wearing black, so neutral colors in a sense, there's also the uniform but the uniform doesn't count, I think the uniform counts as neutral, except for when he's telling Christopher about what happened when he's wearing red and honestly, I think it's the only bit of the episode that he's being honest about how he feels about the situation which is interesting with the use of color with him)
I'm gonna tell you it's also the color of the couch his mother picked for no reason really I just noticed and felt like sharing lol
I can't think of any other uses of this color so I think this is all for now.
#911#911 meta#buck#i feel crazy skoaoskaoksas#i guess i do clothing metas now oskaoskaoskoas#but the use of color with him is fascinating oaksoaksas#ill be back once i figure out more crazy shit to say oskaoskaoskaoskas
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Okay guess who slept last night THIS BITCH so here we go, my toddler and I discussed this en route to preschool this morning. More coherent thoughts: essentially, until last night, the entire Christian/Lucha vs Darby/Nick/(Fox) story was very easily rationalized as happening because Darby was going for the TNT belt and Christian was either thinking he was a credible threat or simply wanted to ensure that he was distracted and therefore started this overlap in their stories. After last night, this excuse no longer holds, and this whole thing is deliberate in some other way.
Perhaps the most important thing to keep in mind is how much Jack’s ghost is hovering over this entire narrative: they have been methodical with the call-backs, and there have been enough of them that we can assume we are SUPPOSED to be seeing Jack's fingerprints covering this. But that sort of leads us into a few questions here, and the first one is trying to sort out if Christian's real target is Nick or Darby.
Before last night, I would have said Nick, easy. He's young, he's fatherless (lol), and he's the clear Jack stand-in. But the thing I wonder if I have been overlooking is how he is also, perhaps most importantly, a weakness. Specifically, he is Darby’s weakness. Comms have gone hard with the idea that Darby now has to care about something other than himself, and he has already lost because of it. (You could argue that he lost of his own accord at All Out, but Nick was enough of a threat to his victory that he came into play at least twice during the match.) The angle with Fox has, additionally, brought into question whether or not Nick will stand by Darby’s side no matter what, or if there are some hard lines being drawn in the sand. So it's clear that the Nick v Darby possibility is bubbling up closer to the surface. They can thread this needle for awhile with the right build-up.
Last night marks the second time that Christian came in with the idea that Nick should be mentored by someone with a championship belt. Honestly, I would have put money on Darby getting the TNT last weekend, and I'm still not entirely convinced that we were wrong about that prediction, but an interesting option was opened up over the weekend: OC no longer has the International belt, and Darby is now free to pursue it. (I don't think he ever would have gone after it while OC had it, since they tagged together. Darby, remember, is sometimes loyal to a fault.) Darby is obviously in the tournament to go after MJF again (which I assume Roderick will get, but the point remains that it is an option), but he could also be in the running for going after Mox. I'm still mulling over what Christian's angle here means.
Before, when this was assumed to be TNT belt threat related, we could rationalize a lot, and now, we have to ask ... why? Why is Christian still dogging after Darby and Nick if the threat is gone? There isn't a solid reason anymore! So let's take a look at our little ghost, existing in spectral form above this entire thing. As far as Jack’s tag/story partners from the past year, we have this:
* Luchasaurus: betrayed by, Jack defeated in the cage match
* Christian: betrayed by, Jack defeated in the coffin match
* Hook: betrayed, Jack defeated for the FTW (and then lost to)
* Darby: not betrayed, despite MJF literally outright asking Jack to do it
It's worth noting that actually, Jack had TWO chances to betray Darby: once in the tag match after MJF asked him to, and once again in the 4-way, when all he had to do was hit him with the belt to be crowned champion. That's it. That's Jack’s last year, minus random matches. Those are the big stories he has had. And Jack, remember, posts photos when something big happens, and during this time, he has posted pictures about Christian, Hook, and .... Darby.
With no clear reason yet why Christian is going after Nick and Darby, and last night, where despite Christian approaching Nick directly backstage, he spent his entire time on comms during the match focusing on Darby, it’s possible that he is trying to figure out what it is about Darby that makes him an outlier in Jack’s recent history. It's fantasy booking for sure! Mostly, I just want it. But we also can't rule it out and our options are starting to narrow. All the obvious "reasons" for these circles to overlap are falling away.
Is this setting up Nick turning on Darby? Possible, though we discounted them turning Nick heel so early - though if they play this right, he doesn't even HAVE to be. Is this setting up Nick going with Christian? Possible, though something big would have to happen for that to happen given that Christian is being such a creep about it, lol. Is this finally going to summon Jack in as a direct participant in the narrative? Possible, and timing may need to be adjusted on this with him out. Remember, Hook being in that random 8-man tag drew Jack out into the story for the first time since he "ended" stories with all three of the others (Lucha, Christian, Darby), when he came flying out to attack Hook in the post-match brawl. (And he very deliberately did not run into any of them out there, despite how they were in the same ring.)
The Christian recruits Nick as the new Jack angle opens up the most possibilities for a full overlap (and Jack coming in), but none of them discount his involvement, since we are obviously supposed to be remembering him this whole time. I doubt his story with Hook is completely done, since that's been set up as a long-running tent pole to both their careers, but I suspect we will see him fall back into this as more unfolds. These stories are running so close to each other that they are almost side by side right now, and given what we know about Jack and Darby’s history, there's no way they have left that loop open by accident.
#wrestling theory with katy time#HERE WE GO FAM LET'S DIG DEEP INTO THIS#darby allin#christian cage#nick wayne#jack perry#deep dive ring posts
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I Met Him in February
This isn’t a campfire ghost story. A fabrication. Everything here is 100% true. I just want to emphasise that. It’s inevitable I share this, since I cannot share almost any of this with the few people I know. If the veil of anonymity the internet offers is best for one thing, it’s building a chasm for you to just scream your frustrations into. If you let feelings and thoughts and memories so visceral fester and build up, you’ll die. They’ll cannibalise you whole; you’ll be dead before you even knew you were alive. I’m writing this for myself and myself alone, in what’ll ultimately be a misguided attempt to cleanse my conscience, which I’ll probably regret. I want to apologise if anybody else is reading this – this is lengthy and the unabridged recount of this story. I’ve never written before, so there’s the very real chance this is just incomprehensible.
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When you see people discuss being socially maladjusted, normally it’s in reference to some kind of trauma. Some kind of disadvantaged position socially or financially, a parent using your infant head as an ashtray, a medical condition or two – but it’s almost as sad, and a lot more pathetic, when it’s just the way you are. My whole life, I’ve been shy, withdrawn, never understood or gotten along with people. I was, as a little girl, virtually friendless, and achingly lonely. Even now, in my contemplative mind set, I wouldn’t be able to tell you which came first, the depression or the anxiety, but eventually they had conjoined into some Siamese twin chasing it’s other half, an ouroboros just in perennial devour. Without going into specifics, that shit hit me hard. Self-harm, suicidal ideation, almost psychotic episodes of derealisation - it became unmanageable to hide.
My parents are an interesting couple – long-married, though I think sometimes it’d have been better for them both if they had thrown in the towel a while back. Middle-class, though that’s very relative, and fiercely catholic. My mum and I weren’t unclose, though I couldn’t speak to her even if I needed to, and my father was an emotionally absent alcoholic. I was an only, and very late, child.
Try as I might, my internal struggle inevitably spilled out, and they decided, after scrounging up and divesting what loose finances they could, they’d send me to a Catholic boarding school far away from home. I think it was their way of saying they cared, a normal human gesture of compassion refracted and warped through years of religious dogma as if it were some fun-house mirror. Contrary to how I was raised, I’m not a Christian, I’m not a Catholic - and try as I might, and I absolutely did, I didn’t have much say in the whole matter. I barely had much stake honestly, it wasn’t like I was abandoning some vivid and flourishing life.
The school was exactly as you’d expect and nothing more. An olden-times, borderline-derelict chapel crudely integrated into a big, Victorian-era brick school building. There were some much smaller and clunky, industrial-looking concrete buildings, studded in cheap gravel, and nothing else in a million-mile radius, unless you count forest and fields and the occasional sheep. The facilities were decently equipped. Ignoring the occasional religious piousness, the staff and teachers were nice. The lessons were survivable. The dorm rooms were acceptably sized, though horribly plain, and always never quite warm enough. I remember sitting down on the bed for the first time, and locking glares with the crucifix opposite me. His weary, pained expression, his drooping eyes, his stooping neck, his rippling muscles tensing across every grain of lacquered wood. As off-putting as it was, you couldn’t deny the craftsmanship.
Initially, I didn’t have friends. I just counted time, haunting the labyrinthine hallways like some wayward, listless cartographer. You’d never expect a building so square to be so impossible to navigate. Corridors would lead to doors which would lead to more corridors which would lead to dead ends. In the early morning, or the evening, the windows would cast the red bricks and dark wood boards with an amber hue, which’d make them warm to the touch. When I was out of sight, I’d lie against them, and just feel the sun on my face and the warm on my back. Sun always feels the warmest when it’s rising up after the night or sinking down to make way for the moon. Nobody really spoke to me, and I was, essentially, completely alone. My life was ascetic, and solitude was my default state. I was expecting these two years I had left of school to pass quickly.
For someone so pivotal, meeting Emma was incredibly mundane. We just got paired up in class. You tend to never notice it, but the most important relationships tend to be born from convenience and obligation. It didn’t take long for us to hit it off, though. For two drastically different people, she and I shared so much in common. We liked the same movies, the same video games, and the same music. We made each other playlists of indie rock and folk songs, shared hip-hop music videos. We’d send each other texts and memes and paper notes in class. We’d eat lunch together. She laughed at my jokes, and told me I was the funniest person she knew. She was lying, of course. She accepted me for being different, and occasionally difficult. She was kind.
Sometimes, we’d talk over the custom messaging software the school employed. Picture Microsoft Teams, by way of AOL. It was a relic of a bygone era, amateurishly built and easy to exploit. Tabs and menus were a watery green - it was, honestly, impressively gross. We’d say the crassest things we could, knowing we were being spied on, for the thrill of pushing the boundary, the high of flying too near the sun. Every account was tied to a school email, displaying student and staff names, though that wasn’t tough to change if you tried.
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Out of all the months at the school, February was especially cold. The floorboards would settle like they were bearing the weight of footsteps, trepidatiously testing for creaks as to go unnoticed. Damp would clot in the corners of the tall classrooms; it was always worth layering over your uniform. One day, I got a message from a new contact on the shitty SMS, which was new for me, since I didn’t really speak to anyone outside of a single person. I barely even called or texted my parents. They didn’t have a profile picture, just the default green backing with the first letter of their display name - in their case B, for BluFebruary15. I asked him who he was, what he was doing:
BluFebruary15: Killing time. I’m very bored.
You: Are you someone I know lol?
BluFebruary15: Not yet.
Automatically, I had met the most interesting person in school.
If you’ve ever had rusty social skills or you struggle with meeting people, you’ll know it can be very hard to know what to say when you’re not forced to talk with someone. Conversations become some herculean effort, with you micromanaging how transactional your input is; how many questions you’re asking; getting paranoid over talking about yourself too much despite it being your only frame of reference. Being desperate to not say the wrong thing. When talking to BluFeb, though, it came naturally. They were a male student, he had friends, but he wasn’t immensely popular. He struck up several conversations with people on his anonymous account, but found they weren’t too interesting. He had caught wind that the school didn’t actually admin the software.
You: So was I just some random choice then
BluFebruary15: No, your friend Emma told me about you.
This came as a shock to me, since she had never mentioned this guy. From this point on, whenever I’d press her about him, she’d just coyly shrug it off or joke that I was delusional. For a little window, I actually assumed that it was somehow her, as part of some elaborate joke, which made much more sense than the possibility I was genuinely this interesting to a total stranger. That was, until one time, when she admitted that she spoke to him too, though I could tell there was a bit of hurt on her end for some reason, so I figured to leave it unmentioned.
It wasn’t long after we started talking, though, that I gained confidence. I’d dump him huge walls of text about whatever movie I had just seen or album I just listened to, and he’d read it and respond and engage with it, and share his thoughts and feelings and tastes, and it just so happened they often aligned with my own - like he was mining my brain. He’d listen to me rant and rave and in turn, he’d always find something incredibly trivial to bitch about with vitriol – it was like we were soulmates. He always typed in full sentences, with perfect grammar and punctuation. Sometimes, he’d occasionally refer to himself in the third person. Honestly, I just assumed he was on the spectrum or something, though glass houses and all. We’d gossip about our classmates, as removed from them as we were, and our teachers – basically anyone or anything we could. Eventually, we’d discuss ourselves.
I’d tell him about my home life, how I imagined my parents sat at that table eating dinner, alone, in silence, and how, in my mind, it seemed even bigger than it did when I was little. Watching my dad come home as a kid and watching him slur and sputter and fall asleep lying on the floor. Watching my mum sat vacantly gazing into space, her eyes glazed with this non-descript sadness. It was an unknowable sadness, but I always read it as grief over a life unlived. That was probably projection, though. I’d share the time a kid pissed in my water bottle in school and got me to drink it. I told him about me falling out the open back of a truck and breaking my wrist when I was 9. Anything and everything I could, I would share. He’d reciprocate with something personal to him, but just vague enough it wouldn’t clue me into his identity. I’d just bleed my secrets like a sieve.
He’d never reveal who he was, no matter how hard I’d try to trick him into slipping up, or try to goad him to let loose some defining trait. He’d normally play it off as a joke – he was quite funny in that awkward, stilted way. Other times, he’d just be direct:
BluFebruary15: This just loses the magic that way.
He was probably right.
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Over the rest of the school year, nothing particularly changed. People’s emotional response to me was, at best, total apathy, and at worse, genuine dislike. I tried my best, though it never seemed to work. I did perfectly acceptable academically, landing just under the radar of attention from anyone. Life was ok in the day-to-day, but achingly uneventful. Someone got busted having sex in the toilets, allegedly. It was in the main one by reception, with the stained glass window. Allegedly. No idea who it was, though I’m sure Jesus was disappointed. Either that, or he had a great view.
More noteworthy, a student had tried to kill themselves. It was off campus, in the nearest town some ways away, of which they were a resident. Nothing to do with the school apparently, though admittedly I had zero knowledge of what actually happened. Rumour said the police found some really scary, fucked up things in her dorm room, though at the time, that seemed a little unlikely. All we knew is that she didn’t return, and they held an assembly for mental health awareness. I remember sat with Em at lunch, speculating what happened on the phone with her parents (we ended up talking quite a bit). They seemed so worried. The general consensus we all agreed on was some kind of mental breakdown. Something life shattering, yet something totally mundane.
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Once the next school year had started, Em and I established a little ritual. We would watch movies and shows, sat on her floor, or nestled against the wall on her bed next to each other, any chance we could. She had a shitty little TV in her room, though we’d usually use her laptop. We’d watch anything, and everything. I remember watching all of Twin Peaks: The Return with her, and she gave me a little episode guide she hand-wrote and illustrated for the original two seasons, for my own viewing (though, I’ll admit, I only got around to those this last year). We watched all of Hannibal twice.
I had never smoked, but she had one of those strong incense jars in her room to hide the smell at least a little. She insisted my eighteenth birthday should be commemorated by something, and I’d always been too scared to before. I remember sitting on the floor one night, very stoned, both of us splayed and sprawled in the most uncomfortable shapes. She sat propped up against her bed in this diagonal half-slump; I felt her toes fold and dig into my stomach. I remember looking up into her brown eyes – they were just these starry pools of cosmic, unbridled compassion and vulnerability. These moments were special – Em made time for them, and we’d sneak between each other’s rooms past curfew, like so many do, just to share them. So much of her life was surrendered to my company. She had friends that weren’t me, and though she wasn’t super socially in-demand, she was popular. Her being best friends with me was the weird part. We were opposites in every way. She was tall, I was just shy of five foot. She was achingly pretty, I was achingly mundane. She was confident, and funny, and knew how to talk to people. She had long brownish-blond hair and was half-Chinese (on her mother’s side). She even smelled good – I didn’t realise that was a real-ass thing until I met her. She was all of these things, yet so unashamedly herself. So unashamedly weird as shit. So unashamedly open with me. I was jealous.
A child of the internet generation, I had the words I needed to articulate and label how I was feeling, and the self-awareness to apply them if I wanted. I just didn’t want to use them. I wasn’t – I’m not - gay, but in retrospect, I had the biggest crush on her. I had never received friendship like this at an adult level, and I thought I never would have. Beyond having the hots for her, I still don’t understand if I was just conflating platonic love with romantic connection, coming from a lack of both – she didn’t like girls like that, so it wouldn’t have been reciprocated anyway. I felt like so abjectly wrong, so guilty, like some perversion of the soul. Impure. I wasn’t used to being treated like this, like another human. I was so used to feeling like someone alive past their own funeral, just watching a world without them - not a living, tangible thing. Usually, I didn’t feel like a girl – I fantasised a lot about being a guy, and I’d sometimes wish I had the body of one, but I don’t think that would realistically fix anything. It wasn’t a gender thing. I just felt like I slipped between the binaries of personhood and un-personhood. I was so used to being this abstraction of form. Someone who failed to be human. I was disgusted with myself, meeting her gaze and feeling like I just want to kiss her and hold her and never let go. My eyes were watery and red and heavy.
I’d share this with BluFeb, of course, just because I needed to tell someone. I’d tell him how ashamed of myself I was, how scared it made me feel. I don’t quite know how I felt so comfortable. Anonymity does crazy things to people, even though I wasn’t even anonymous. He was indiscriminate, and didn’t judge me, and he was a very good listener through all the bullshit I’d spew. He liked my jokes, and between the things we’d divulge, he’d share piecemeal parts of him too, faceless as he was.
I’d often dream of him around then. Sometimes we’d just, like, hang out, and talk about our emotions and shit. Other times, we’d fuck, as embarrassing and wrong as it is to say now. I never had the clearest picture of him, but I’d never imagine a student. Sometimes, whenever we’d just hang out, he’d just be a goat. Like the animal, silently trotting about. Usually, he looked like an early-30s, Caucasian male. But not a human, at least not a real one. Just something wearing a man.
His body was chiselled as if it were sculpted in the image of antiquity by Michelangelo, his face was swarthy and handsome, and his hair was tousled and shaggy. He was very attractive, yet he posed like his body didn’t fit. He moved with a slump and a limp. His muscles deformed and sagged like thick and firm and puffy clothes. Something about his face was so close to human you’d notice the fraction of a thing that was off even more. His eyes didn’t glint in the light.
I wasn’t ever scared. He looked strange, but he was a calming presence. There’s much more to be scared of in this world. They were just dreams.
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With Em and BluFeb, time passed the quickest it ever had for me. Before I knew it, it was February again. As the month went on, the wintry weather began to clear. For context, it was still shit - of course it was, it was Britain - but instead of sleet and hail there was just downpour and grey-skies-with-the-sense-of-maybe-rain. Em and I hung out more. We caught a bus and watched The Elephant Man in 35mm. I almost kissed her on her bed.
Not soon after, she had killed herself.
In stories, this is where you’d be the first to find them. Fuck, maybe you’d even get a chance to hoist them up by the legs and make some crazy declaration about the value of life and save them. But the commotion ensured I was far from the first there. By the time I got there, the scene was teeming with people trying to keep order. Nobody was really trying to get in, nobody really stopped me walking up.
I remember seeing her, just hanging there. Weight slouched, the fray and the torque of the braided cable. Her long ribbons of hair draping her face. Her skin sallow and pale, her eyes glassy and saddened and bulging as if they were breaking free from the prison of her form. Her neck was crimson and smeared and her fingertips were bloody and lacerated. She died in pain. She was naked from the waist down. I remember the smells. The pores of the beige brick doorway I leaned on, the touch of the stray sunbeam from that slit of a window. It was warm and pearlescent, and cast a shithole room with a cosy morning glow.
I’ve never heard anyone mention this, so as far as I know, I am the only student who knew. She had that wall-hooked crucifix on the ground between her legs. I still don’t want to think that she did what I think she did, but seeing it there fucked me up the most.
I don’t want to cast my feelings into melodrama, but I was hurt. I was sad she could do this to herself. I was scared she could do this to herself. I felt angry and betrayed that she could selfishly leave me to my lonely and broken self, and then I felt guilt over being so selfish.
They said she got into an explosive argument with another student over basically nothing at the canteen the evening before, and then promptly went to her dorm and didn’t leave. It just was like that. She was simply dead. I’m well aware of how you never truly know how someone is feeling, but I felt like she could have told me anything. I hoped she would have told me anything. I’m well aware a cursory glance won’t clue you in on anything, but through all our time together, she really just didn’t seem like the type.
At first, I didn’t really notice anything aside from nausea. You only have the immediate absence of experiences, and eventually, that’s when you realise what you’re now feeling instead. I only ever spoke to her mum and dad twice again. I expressed my condolences like an answering machine and not a person. They were pretty beaten up about it and shit, I wonder why. About a week later they called and asked how I was doing, which was really sweet. I saw them once down the distance of a corridor, but they didn’t acknowledge I was there. And that was it. Their lives went on, completely separate from mine.
I was withdrawn. I’d go to my classes. That was it. I didn’t talk to teachers, to students. Not that I would normally anyway. I’d quietly and passively nod and nervously laugh away their occasional affirmations of strength or their supportive testimonies of how good a friend I was. I wouldn’t eat, really. I looked like utter shite. A living, dishevelled bag of shit. I didn’t go back to self-harming though, which in retrospect is something I’m pretty proud of.
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The lonelier I grew, the more I bonded with BluFeb. He offered me a (digital) shoulder to cry on. He innately understood how I felt, and how to tell me what I wanted to hear. How to get me to address my feelings. I stopped engaging with the few things I liked. For about, like, two or three weeks, he was my whole world. When I wasn’t in a class, I was talking to him. His schedule was the same as mine. I held onto my life in the glow of my monitor. The muffled purr of my little PC felt comforting, like a cat curled in your lap. You’d feel it warp its elastic-y body into all these shapes, the pressure of its paws kneading your thighs, the weight of it against your bones, the warmth of its body against your skin. The love you gain and get from it. My soul crawled out of my body and nestled in the liminal space between pixels. It was sanctuary. Fleeting, incandescent sanctuary, washing its light across my lonely dorm.
Looking back at it, I don’t really recall when the conversations turned sexual, but I rebuffed him almost instantly. We’d talked about that stuff before in the most platonic context you could, but at a certain point, it clearly became about his gratification. He tried requesting I send a video a few times, I’d tell him no, and then he’d get a little pushier through a mask of irony. I could just picture him sat on the other side of his screen. It didn’t bug me, honestly. I’m not stupid, I instinctively knew something didn’t add up, but I didn’t want to jeopardise whatever I had, whatever that was, whoever it was with. It didn’t take long for him to follow cue and drop it altogether, electing to pretend it didn’t happen at all - which, obviously, was fine by me.
--- --- --- --- ---
It was cold as always in my dorm room. It was April now, though you wouldn’t guess it. Greasy night-time rain beat on my window, and slicked the mosaic of cobbles outside. I’d been talking a lot about Em to him, though not in a way I’m sure she’d have appreciated. He’d get me to pull every fibre of my body out my mouth and spill my soul to him, to spew repressed vitriol fuelled by sadness, and to wallow in it. It felt cathartic, but I felt empty, like my insides were shovelled out by a gravedigger. Repressed in the pit of my body, I still felt some reservations though. Mostly, I only felt a little hurt by him. He was invested and would always initiate, but he seemed irate. He acted desperate for something from me, which I’d just clock to personal life troubles. It saddened me, and I’d try everything to make our conversations reciprocal and worthwhile and equal and prove my appreciation. Eventually, we got into a fight, but I can’t remember what it was about. I tried so hard to appease him, I could only guess it was over some trivial bullshit.
I asked him if he was ok, he told me yes. He asked if I was ok, I told him yes. He said that it was April now, he didn’t have a lot of time to talk anymore, and that he was going home. He said he’d felt like he’d failed to properly make a friend. I asked him what he meant. He took a minute, and he responded.
BluFebruary15: Want to see something cool?
[1 image attached]
The image shows as a little thumbnail before you click it, so I could see what it was. So I don’t know why I did. It wasn’t like I’d forget it. I felt nothing, I felt everything. Mostly fear, a bit of sadness. I wanted to cry, but I didn’t, I wanted to just scream and vomit, but I didn’t. I didn’t know how to respond, so I just sat there, still, eyes trained. It was Em, hanging there.
I just stared at my screen. Didn’t know what else to do. I couldn’t move even if I wanted to. Her body was suspended in the perfect centre by the braided cord. The image was out of focus and very grainy, and poorly lit by the dim ceiling light, its beam intruded by her shape. It was black and white, and looked the difference between authentic film and some shitty app filter. The dark probably didn’t help. Holy shit, it was night. I felt my chest tighten. Deep shadows ganged and congealed together in the corners of the room, like some smoky, monochrome miasma. He was there with her.
BluFebruary15: I’m an analogue person myself.
--- --- --- --- ---
Before I proceed with this, I just want to remind you - I no longer have these chat logs for reasons that’ll be made clear in a moment. In theory, my writing is an approximation. Some memories, however, are infallible. I remember everything. This is as close to a transcription as you can get.
You: what happened
BluFeb: I got bored. Jealous. I wanted things to move quicker.
You: were you there
BluFeb: Yes.
Something you quickly realise upon finding yourself in these situations is all mental fortitude and resilience goes out the window. Your brain goes into autopilot. I was terrified, but - I can’t logically explain why or how – I was composed.
You: what things
BluFeb: I’m not obliged to tell you. I don’t have to share anything. Honestly, though, I’m very fond of you, so I’m going to be truthful, which I haven’t exactly been.
You: well fuck. thanks
You: do you know why she did it.
BluFeb: I told her to.
You: you werent her friend?
BluFeb: Sure, I guess. But we weren’t true friends, it wasn’t real. We’re closer though. She and I weren’t close enough.
You: youre not a student are you. have we even met
BluFeb: No, I’m not a student. I do know what you look like though.
I couldn’t think, I couldn’t move. Jesus, I could barely spell.
[1 image attached]
It was me, staring at my monitor, as pictured by my webcam, shitty and pixelated. My glance slowly met the closed slide-cover. It was old. I was being spied on. Just seeing my face lit up on the screen, my body shrouded in this opaque veil of dark, made me want to cry.
BluFeb: I get the vibe you’re panicked. You asked, lol. But I am not a student.
Three little dots propped themselves up on my screen, and whatever he was typing clearly took a while.
You: are you going to kill me
He stopped typing. When you’re left in enough suspense, you sometimes tend to notice thing you’d never normally feel purely through sense. Normally, the darkness of my room is a velvety navy, lit by the haze of my computer. Today, it was a thick, suffocating black – like tar. I felt it hug my skin.
BluFeb: I like you too much to do that, but I would if I were being thorough. Since I’ve run out of time, I just need to leave.
My composure, by this point, had went out the window. My body began to cry, even if my eyes didn’t. My torso convulsed in and out, my breath tightened – I was just sat there, dry-heaving.
BluFeb: Don’t cry.
I instantly sobered up. Jesus fucking Christ. I was being spied on now. My body was rigid, immobile; my eyes glazed with tears. Nobody was in my dorm. I was alone, right?
You: are here right now
I sat, awaiting a response. My head was thoughtless. The silence was perforated by the purr of my PC. It had stopped being comforting by now, it was just an ominous grumble that my brain drowned out like white noise. Some smaller sounds cut through, like the ticking of a wall clock, someone’s TV a few rooms down, and the clink of some distant camera shutter. Eventually, they answered.
BluFeb: hi :)
[1 image attached]
Me, from behind. I was sat at my desk on my computer. It was me. Now. My throat tightened, I wanted to scream as loud as I could in the hopes I’d wake someone – anyone - up, even if by then it’d be too late for whatever happened next. Instead, only a crackled, pained whisper left my mouth. It was the same camera as the photo of Em. The same black and white film, steeped in the same towering shadow domineering every space of the room it could. It clung like overgrowth.
I couldn’t turn around. I think I tried, but my body didn’t move. I knew nobody had entered or left the room. Holy shit, what if I was wrong? I didn’t know what was worse. My eyes surveyed the screen and nothing else. Nothing was behind me, I was all alone. Nothing was behind me, I was all alone. Nothing was behind me. I was all alone.
I raised my hands to type.
You: am i dreaming
BluFeb: No.
Streams of gathered water began to run down my stoic face.
You: are you human
BluFeb: Do you really want to know the answer? I think you already know.
My head began to hurt.
You: where are you going
BluFeb: I need people to make me real. I thought maybe I could count on you enough, but we weren’t close enough friends.
As obviously insane as it is to admit, I felt hurt.
BluFeb: How can I be honest with someone if they can’t be honest with me? With their friends? With themselves?
The tears got harder.
BluFeb: You’re probably going to Hell over that whole thing, btw. It’s not like you’re an upstanding person, anyway.
He began to type, and those little ellipses hugged the bottom of my screen. Whenever I wasn’t reading, whenever I wasn’t typing, I felt like I could die at any second – as if my body would just implode into itself. He wasn’t serious, was he? Eternal torment seemed a little harsh for my life’s misgivings. I was horrified, yet morbidly curious, but the sword of Damocles hung above my head.
You: is hell actually real.
It dropped down and guillotined me. He had stopped typing. I touched a nerve, I could feel his anger emanating as if he were looming behind me. The warmth of his body, the cut of his animal glare.
BluFeb: Are you a fucking idiot?
BluFeb: Is this not a real conversation?
Shit. He was typing an essay.
BluFeb: You do not understand this. It is something impossible for you to comprehend. Anyone to, actually. I exist in some nightmarish facsimile of your life. And you think you know loneliness now. I used to be loved. Soon enough, you may suffer the same fate that torments my every waking and unconscious and dying second. And I will revel in the knowledge that you feel your flesh burning and eyes bursting and you know total and complete isolation from the few ones you love. All you will know is pain upon pain upon pain upon pain until you feel nothing. The warm glow of love and joy will become completely forgotten. And I will, momentarily, gain some solace. For soon you shall know hurt unknowable to your kind. And I will laugh. And you shall meet my face by the brimstone gates, welcoming you.
I was crying harder. I couldn’t respond, I couldn’t read more, I couldn’t look away. The world felt that much darker and colder. The filament of the overhead light skirted and danced with heat all by itself.
You: im sorry.
No reply.
You: you know what i look like. can i see what you look like
I waited…
BluFeb:
[1 image attached]
I clicked it. I don’t know where my eyes started and where they should end. I don’t know what horrible subversion of my mental picture of him I was expecting. I didn’t know where he was; chunky, pixelated darkness cut every angle like a serrated void. His head was pressed into a webcam, and was warped with a fish-eye lens. I could see a part of his face. He looked like I imagined in every dream. He was straining himself. Even if it was an unflattering angle, he looked handsome - but something was deeply frightening about him. It was an indescribable uncanniness. It was like an algorithm spat out a generation of every thought I’d had about him. His pupils looked like they were drawn on. His meat hung ever-so-slightly loose off his bones. His eyes didn’t gleam in the light.
You: … you look cute lol
I really didn’t know what to say, I was shaking. It was horrifying, and I was overwhelmed with emotion.
BluFeb: That’s very sweet. And I’ve always appreciated your sense of humour.
My eyes broke contact with my monitor, looking at the wall-mounted crucifix nearby it. I began to slowly reach for it. The overhead light continued to spur and flicker with life, casting the room in amber.
BluFeb: Don’t. I’m going log off anyway now.
I immediately lowered my arm.
You: im sorry if i hurt your feelings
BluFeb: You got lucky.
I didn’t know what to make of that. I was just glad it was almost over. He didn’t reply for almost a minute.
BluFeb: To my eyes, this is what you look like, btw.
BluFeb: Bye Samantha.
Within an instant, a single image overtook my monitor. A blaring, shrill female scream blasted from my speakers, intermittent like some hellish foghorn. It was very compressed, like a sound effect from an old jump-scare. I spammed my keyboard, nothing. I beat my mouse, nothing. I mashed the power button, nothing. The speakers began to rattle. Glass fired everywhere as the lightbulb blew, the crucifix fucking threw itself off of its hooks and into the floor. I ripped the speakers from the computer and threw them away from me, hoisting and dragging the PC with it. Silence. I stood there, staring at my monitor.
The image was tough to describe. It looked like a very quick, crude Photoshop job. It was me, staring into my webcam, fish-eye perspective, features distorted. I’d definitely never posed like that before. The closest thing I can compare it to is the Phantom in the movie Inland Empire, when it looks like Laura Dern’s character. My eyes were teary and pained, my mouth was impossibly wide and grimacing. Nothing was the right size, nothing where it should be spaced on my head. I slammed my monitor down on my desk until the screen cracked and chipped and it pulled out of the plug socket. I propped it back up, placed my speakers on my desk, and threw on a jacket and went outside to get some air in the dancing rain.
--- --- --- --- ---
For a few days, I couldn’t sleep at all. I didn’t have anyone to stay with, so I’d just hide in the communal school toilets past curfew and cry through the night. I’d cut and claw through my skin with whatever I had til I drew blood, just to calm myself down. In some fucked up way, it was a nostalgic feeling I’d missed. I’d only quickly enter my room to get shit like clean clothes, before realising I felt the same whether I was inside there or not, and I’d rather not be in public.
I initially ripped apart my room, desperate to find some kind of spy camera that could explain this. The crucifix was soggy and wet, and it was upside down. It was salty, like it had dried with tears. It took some effort to tidy and fix everything. I turned my PC on, and after much hesitation and deliberation, opened the messaging software. Nothing. It wasn’t there. I couldn’t find any records.
I was sick every day, and I’d get random bruises that wouldn’t heal. I’ve always been a fidgety sleeper, but I’d wake up with marks and clawing all over my torso. Sometimes, I’d even break skin. I’d sweat and be hot and cold at the same time. I’d have to down sleeping tablets at night to avoid lying awake there, and when I closed my eyes, I’d still see his fucking face on my computer screen. Recessed into the dark fog of my eyelids, staring back at me. Motionless, unblinking; some abstraction of the human form.
One night, a week or so after, I had the most visceral dream of my life. I awoke from a nightmare, and in a cold sweat, headed to the bathroom. I clutched the mirror, just locking eyes with my own reflection, and felt so sick and hollow and un-real and disappointed in myself, I shattered it. I sunk to the floor, and grasped a large shard, my hands slick and oily with blood. I didn’t feel pain, but a searing, vibrating, static-y numbness – like biting ice-cream, exposing a part of yourself to some outside force. I cut into my chest, I guess to see if there was anything there at all, and hoisted guts and gore out of me, and fiddled and pried chunks of bones and stripped sinewy coils until I had chiselled away the façade of personhood and was empty and hollow, just bleeding the absence of anything. I lay on the floor, a person who, underneath everything, was just made of nothing. I woke up with a bite mark just north of my shoulder blade. It was deep, and I still have the scar, and I still can’t rationalise how I did it. That was when my hands started shaking – sometimes it wasn’t at all, other times they wouldn’t stop.
I’d see shapes out of the corner of my eyes like you do when you’re tired and alone in the dark, except any time and every place. Skinny silhouettes dancing and darting and skulking to where I’d never catch them, like some smoky gothic charcoal art. Some were horned like goats. A few times, I thought I saw Em as I loved and missed her down the length of a corridor. My door would knock, but no one was there. I felt a snap in my brain whilst lying in bed one night, and heard an audible crunch like a Christmas cracker or some child’s firework. I stopped washing. I stopped going to classes. I wanted to kill myself.
I broke down crying in the chapel one day in absolute hysterics. I tried talking to the person who’d let all of this happen, but they didn’t answer, unsurprisingly. If they weren’t there for Emma, they wouldn’t be there for me. A teacher heard me, and I was called into the office. Sometimes it’s tough to determine whether something is a mistake or not, given you don’t know the way things would have gone if you didn’t do it. But I told them everything. Looks of frustration morphed to looks of concern to looks of sympathy, like I was some ailing, pathetic animal in a zoo begging to be shot. They told me that I could speak to them any time I wanted. I was given scheduled meetings, treatment plans, a night in the nearest psych ward. Labels and diagnoses were added and scrapped. Cocktails of pills tossed around. I was told I was experiencing grief hallucinations. Psychosomatic responses. A power surge happened that night. Maybe, they opined, I was schizophrenic. Some teachers prayed for me every now and then. To get better; to save my soul. My ribs jutted out like some incongruous modern sculpture, and it felt as if they were piercing my skin. I was seriously underweight. If people ignored me before, they ignored me more, aside from an uncertain smile from another loser. I was a fucking freak. They replaced my lightbulb and my monitor. They told me parents everything, I’d assume.
--- --- --- --- ---
It felt as if all the eventfulness of a life had happened in the span of a couple of months. The rest of my time in school was miserable, and I failed my exams enough to not be able to go to University. I wouldn’t even know what I’d want to do if I could go. Any and all drive and motivation had been wrought out of me like a wet cloth. Whatever I was feeling, just sort of died down. After I was done, I moved back in with my parents. They’re the same people as ever, but they’re the nicest they’ve ever been to me and each other. They look older. I think they can tell how hard I took everything.
I’m a homebody, in my tiny suburban town, and it’s like I never left. Places are freighted with memories if you live somewhere long enough, and every second I’m here it’s like a séance for the person I could’ve become. I’ve been here about a year or so now, working a soul-crushing odd job in a café or shop now and again. I’m virtually all alone. I’m not exactly suicidal now, but it feels like all I have to give is atrophy. I’ll live miserably and work demeaning, nothing jobs, and invariably die alone. It isn’t nice to meet your own gaze in the mirror and remember, even if it was for the briefest window, you had it better.
I guess, over time though, I have returned more to myself. People say I’m funny, but I know I’m not as funny as I used to be. I like to draw; watch movies. Read. Play guitar; video games. I cycle, even if my balance is impossibly shit. Rebuilding after something like that is laborious and it hurts to revisit your memories of how mature and well-adjusted you used to be. People talk about trauma as a bodied experience that sets you on some journey of metamorphosis, but I feel the same as ever, just more broken and jaded and my hands still shake. I’m actually thankful in a way, since I have an excuse to be as much of a fuck up as I currently am, even if I can never share it.
I’m not a fatalist, though. I’m still pretty young. I know that, probably, I’ll be happy again at some point in the future – whatever form that takes. I seriously doubt I’ll achieve anything of note in my life though. The weight of my parents’ looks feel heavy. That zoo-animal sympathy, that barely-hidden disappointment.
I think about God a lot. I know what I saw wasn’t of this earth; almost nobody has a story like mine, and if they do, they’re all crazy or scam artists. I live assuming that BluFeb was fucking with me about Hell, that’s what these stories tell me praeternatural entities do, and the alternative engenders living with an unbearable weight. I just assume, if God is real, in whatever form they exist, they’re kind, that they don’t judge. I try. I don’t know, though. I can only guess and hope. For my sake, for my family’s, for so many people’s. For Emma’s sake. Witnessing something that breaks all of your belief systems like that makes life hard to live.
I think about Em’s parents a lot. How they probably beat themselves up over not knowing what they think their daughter was going through. I can’t even begin imagine what she was going through. I think about them, because thinking about her instead is too painful. I run through all the symptoms in my mind, trying to make sense out it, and I get nowhere.
I miss her… I really, really do. When she died, it felt like a chunk of me did too, and now it’s just a vacant pit in my soul that’s calloused and unable to fill in again. I think about one night with her more than maybe any other. We were sat down, eating communion wafers from the jar. She told me, if she ever died, she’d come back and haunt me – I told her that I’d haunt her harder. She told me it wouldn’t even be scary, just a sign that she’s there. So far – nothing.
--- --- --- --- ---
And, honestly, that’s about it…
I don’t know how I was expecting to feel after writing this. In my mind, for so long, I built up this mythic idea of Atlas having the world lifted from his back. His bones crushed and sculpted to this one purpose, now feeling the chilly breeze and sunlight on them for the first time after so long in the dark. I thought that’s how I would feel.
I feel a little buzz; I feel sick and fatigued. I don’t really feel any catharsis, and I certainly don’t feel any different. This doesn’t really change anything. It’s like 3am as I write this, and I’ve realised just now this meandering word-soup doesn’t have an ending. At least, not a real one. I’ll probably go sleep soon, and see how I feel about all this in the morning.
When I close my eyes to sleep, though, I still see his face. Like I’m dreaming like I was back then, but I’m awake.
It’s waxy and warped.
Meat that doesn’t fit.
Eyes that don’t glint in the light.
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