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evilwickedme · 1 year

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So if Superman is Moses and Captain America is David, do you think that Spider-Man is Job?

He's always miserable, with suffering piled upon suffering and loss piled upon loss. But he always has faith in the goodness of humanity and the righteousness of his duty. He maintains his faith throughout all of his trials, and that's what makes him a hero.

(I was thinking about how Judaism and Xianity see G-d differently, and more specifically how they see faith and obedience to G-d differently. In Judaism faith isn't about obedience, and G-d is often an allegory for the world just as the world is often an allegory for G-d — at least that's how I interpreted the fact that 90% of our prayers are thanking G-d for creating a specific aspect of material reality. So if the story of Job is, from a Jewish perspective, isn't about unwavering obedience to a single entity but instead about having unwavering faith in the goodness of the world, then it fits Peter Parker almost to a T, right?)

Wow ok I am SO pissed off that I wrote the answer to this for a full hour and now it's just fucking gone because Tumblr decided not to publish it when I hit post. What the very fuck. So I'm going to try to shorten what I wrote a little and hopefully it'll still make sense. But this is a great ask, for real.

Anyway. I feel like something that's been lost in my most popular posts is that my central thesis when it comes to the Jewish nature of superheroes is not that there's a 1:1 between every hero and a historical, mythological, or Tanakhi figure. The central thesis is, instead, that the very concept of heroism as presented in comics is tied to the Jews who created the genre; it's just very easy to demonstrate these kinds of concepts with direct allegories that have such clear parallels. I actually have a third secret parallel that'll probably never see the light of day, between Magneto and Aher (and like, does anybody even know who Aher is? he's not exactly a well known figure).

One of the reasons I haven't posted this comparison is that it is largely thematic, and therefore requires considerably more explanation, especially for goyim or those who aren't familiar with Aher's story (אלישע בן אבויה fyi if that means anything to y'all). But that's sort of my point - it's much easier to point that Superman is literally Moses and Cap and David serve very similar purposes as characters than to talk about the fact that superheroism is based in Jewish values and traditions: the very idea that heroes are meant to make the world better through action as opposed to sacrifice, the value assigned to every single life (he who saves one life etc), characters becoming better people over time rather than going through dedicated redemption arcs, etc (I can't remember what I wrote here and it's driving me nuts thank you very much for asking).

I gave a lot of context here to the difference between Golden Age and Silver Age writing here but honestly again that took forever and I don't feel like typing it all up, so I'll just point out the basic facts which are that the people creating the comic book industry in the late 30s and early 40s were desperate Jews trying to save their people across the ocean, and also were only about ten or twenty years removed from having lived in the Old Country themselves. Their life and culture was intensely Jewish, they'd grown up in specific Jewish tales. By the time we get to Spider-Man, the situation is entirely different. It's been 25 years of comics (Superman debuted in '38, Spider-Man in '63), and the Jewish foundations of comic books and heroism are already baked in to the genre. Yes, the industry is still overwhelmingly Jewish, but now the separation from a purely Jewish upbringing and Jewish separatism in the Old Country is forty years old. The attempt now is to specifically make stories that haven't already been told - for Spider-Man, the main concept was that there had never been a teen hero before who stood on his own - one that wasn't part of team like the fantastic four, or, more typically, a sidekick.

All these differences actually mean that the coding of these characters is very different. Superman being Moses was intentional; Cap was created as anti-Nazi propaganda. Spider-Man was and is Jewish because he is such a pure example of what Jewish heroism is. He's flawed, he's angry, but he can't help himself from trying to save... Well, everyone. It is, however, important to note that he debuted a long while before Magneto was confirmed Jewish (I don't actually know if he was the first, bc I'm having trouble finding that kind of info easily on the internet, but he's certainly one of the most notable Marvel Jews ever, and he was confirmed as a Holocaust survivor relatively early); it was a whole before Marvel realized you could make somewhat prominent characters Jewish, let alone heroes, and by then Spider-Man was one of their best selling characters, and they're still afraid to this day to alienate readers by confirming him as such.

But moving onto Job - I think I have a very different read of the Book of Job from you, but that's not surprising to me; the Book of Job is incredibly opaque, and I doubt that any two people will interpret it exactly the same. Also, I was raised Orthodox, and I often have very different perspectives on various Jewish things than the typical American Jew. Here's how I view it, though.

Firstly, Job absolutely does not maintain his faith throughout the entire story. Yes, initially he's presented as the most pure person ever, one who has never even been tempted to do a chet (חטא, closest translation is sin; another word would be aveira, which would best be translated as a transgression). And, indeed, it is not his deeds that lead to him losing everything; it is instead Satan who argues to test his faith by taking everything he holds dear away from his - his money, his cattle, his children, his health, his wife.

It's noteworthy, for any goyiche reader, that Satan in Judaism is not the Christian Devil who rules hell. He's an adversary, for sure, but he's more like an opposing counsel; his role is to argue for every human's guilt, especially when someone has committed a terrible aveirah. Forgive me for saying this, but he's essentially a devil's advocate. He can be viewed as the manifestation of yetzer hara on a wider scale (yetzer hara and yetzer hatov are the two natural impulses we all have in ourselves, the first to be selfish or to commit bad deeds and the other to commit good deeds and help others; this is a neutral fact rather than a condemnation of any person, and also I'm massively oversimplifying things here). Also, he's a tattle-tale.

Anyway, back to Job. Yes, at first he does maintain his faith, through the loss of his property, his children, even his health; his wife, before she dies, begs him to curse God, and yet he doesn't. But when she does die, he spends a chapter lamenting the day he was born, regretting that he wasn't stillborn. At first this doesn't look like a direct accusation at God, but it absolutely is, as God is in charge of life and death, but also evidence by the following:

So Job does lose his faith, because as far as he can tell, he has never done anything wrong in his life ever, and yet he has been cursed to grieve everything he has ever had, and he won't even die.

Most of the book is dedicated to dialogue between himself and three of his friends, who come to the common conclusion that he must have done something wrong to deserve this treatment. But Job remains adamant: I did not deserve this.

The general lesson that many people take from this book is that God works in mysterious ways, blah blah. But like... We know, in fact, exactly why this story happened. We saw it! We saw Satan advocate to try Job! So what's the point of the book?

The point is the Job keeps asking "why". The point is that Job hears that God won't forgive his friends, despite the fact they blame him for his misfortune, and he still chooses to pray for them. The point is that he refuses to take what has happened to him quietly. Not accepting that what happened to him was just, but not accepting others' injustice either.

Ugh. I phrased all of this way better in the first draft. I really truly hate this.

Anyway my point is that Job, despite being far richer than the average Jew by the standards of his time, actually is meant to represent a very common situation: what do you when bad things happen. Do you blame yourself, or do you blame God? Do you let other people beat you when you're down, or do you stand up for yourself?

And the thing is those themes are universal, but they're not really related to Peter Parker in particular. In the shallowest sense, the kind I used to compare Cap and David or Superman and Moses, they do not have similar stories or backgrounds. Job has everything, and he loses it all, and he mourns all of it, including the property and money; Peter Parker is working class, has never had enough money, but we see again and again that he views it as a tool rather than a goal in and of itself. Spider-Man's origin is about learning to battle your yetzer hara, your darkest impulses, and we see Peter again and again trying to do his best even though he's often being pulled by his instincts to use his power for selfish purposes. Job does not ever have to learn any such lesson; he never did anything wrong.

The one thing in common between the two stories is that they both believe that every life has value - well, if Peter is being written by a competent authors at least - with Job praying to save the men who are literally called the "resha'im", the evil ones, and with Peter being the little man's hero. But that can be said about most heroes, especially the notable ones. Hell, there's an entire double page spread dedicated to the concept in Batwoman: Elegy. This is more of another indication of Jewish values making their way into the foundations of superhero comics than it is a similarity between Job and Peter.

Also, I feel like I need to be clear. Our prayers thanking God for creating something? Traditionally are simply thanking God for creating something. I'm not saying you can't interpret it as a metaphor for the world if that's what works for you, if that's how you see God, but God was very literal to most Jews for thousands of years, and I could talk for ages and ages about the schools of thought regarding God and the world and Maimonides and shit.

Speaking of which, we need to discuss the fact that Job is literally just some guy. Like he's not a prophet, he's not a leader or a judge, he's just some rich dude who lost everything, mourned it, and then got it all back. I've talked about this before, but one of the foundational ideas of my thesis is that the similarity between prophets having powers (such as Samson but also really any judge being considered a higher authority despite not even communing directly with God) and superheroes invokes Maimonides' claim that the first degree of prophecy is the need to act for the better good, being unable to ignore the ills of the world and doing your best to fix them - that people who incapable of ignoring that urge (and Peter, despite his occasional selfishness, often prioritizes Spider-Man in his life specifically because of that urge) are possessed by the spirit of God. Literal prophecy, communing with God, cannot exist without this base level. So, in effect, Peter is significantly holier than Job.

Anyway. Again, I've definitely missed some points because of Tumblr's fuck up and I intentionally skipped most of the history lesson that gave a lot of context which I didn't feel like typing up again, but this is most of it. Sorry if this wasn't what you hoped for, but this was a really interesting thing to talk about anyway, and I'm very grateful you gave me the opportunity to think it over.

#spiderman #jew tag #jewish superheroes #jumblr #judaism #marvel comics #marvel #peter parker #gail speaks #ask #anonymous

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ghostismybbygorl · 1 year

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Alright more headcannons

Pt.1

Ale-ale-jandro

Actually hates the song alejandro by lady gaga. If rudy is mad at him he'll play the song in the car full blast to piss him off

He's 38

Hes got a BIG family. He has 7 siblings he's the oldest out if all if them

hes got a brother (36) with two daughters (6) (8)

A sister (32) with a son (10)

Twin brothers (25) one of them has a daughter (3)

A sister (20) who has a 1 year old girl

A brother (12)

A baby sister (7)

Hes roman catholic and goes to mass regularly with his family

His patron saint is St. Jude Thaddius

Him and soap will go to mass together

He's got a necklace of Guadalupe that his abuelita gave him before she passed. Every time he goes into battle he kisses the necklace and prays to his abuelita for protection

He has a tabby cat named diablo that he rescued off the streets. The cat's a total asshole to everyone but rudy.

Him and rudy are married but no one knows except for his family

This man can salsa dance like nobody's business. Dont get him near tequila or youll be learning how to dance the tango, salsa, square dance everything from him

He's a happy flirty drunk

When he's mad he'll forget how to say english words so he'll just stand there snapping his fingers trying to explain what he's trying to say but getting even more pissed because he can't remember the word.

Accidentally got high off of heroine one time. He was on a mission and somehow a bag of heroine opened up in his face causing him to inhale some. He said it was the best high he's experienced but swore to himself to never do any type of drugs after that experience in fear of getting addicted

Casually pops his neck and it'll crack LOUD

Takes a nap at 3:00 sharp. If he doesn't take his nap he will be bitchy for the rest of the day

He listens to latin r&b when he's relaxing and bad bunny when him and Rudy are alone together.

Being the oldest of the family hes a very nurturing person. When you're sick hes by your side with sopa de fideo, vics cream, and some medicinal tea

This man can and WILL cook. He used to cook with his mom and abuelita when he was younger

He loves to make tamales it reminds him of home

His family goes all out for Christmas everyone has stockings, they all get hella gifts, they sing, dance, bring over homemade food. They all will go to midnight mass and then open presents afterwords when they get home

He's always the best gift giver

His house looks like this and he still lives with his whole family (click the numbers i also have a link to the Pinterest boards if u wanna see more)

1, 2, 3

He has those candies that Abuelas give out

Rudy rudy

Hes actually savage af. He'll absolutely roast the shit out of you and hell say it in the most casual tone

Loves bad bunny

Hes 30

Hes a only child

He has the most obscene slippers

He drinks coffee religiously. He's a regular at starbucks. His favorite starbucks drink is the java chip Frappuccino with two extra shots of espresso and coconut milk

He loves del rosa cookies snd can open them without breaking them. He gets really upset if he does. It happened one time before and he was close to tears

he loves diablo like its his own child.

He was the one to propose to Alejandro. They where sitting on a couch watching tv when he just pops the question "you want to get married?"

He's scared of anything supernatural. Dont even get him started on horror movies he will legit start praying the hail mary

He gives great massages

He's hella lactose intolerant like reenacting world war 3 in the bathroom intolerant.

since he doesn't have a big family rudy and his family will celebrate Christmas together with Alejandros family.

He absolutely loves the cheesy telenovas

He has a iguana named pakko.

He lives in Alejandro house with his family

He gets really out going when hes drunk he'll start singing and dancing

Price

Religiously plays wordle

He'll bring his bearded dragon into work ever so often. It always creeped ghost out for a while but eventually grew used to it.

He like to put little costumes on his bearded dragon

HE HAS A FAMILY PHOTO OF HIM, HIS BOYFRIEND, DOG AND DRAGON IN MATCHING CHRISTMAS SWEATERS. (He paid ghost big money to make the sweaters)

He doesn't shave his beard at all during november and his beard will get hella long. He usually does this because he dresses up as santa for christmas and goes to children shelter to give children christmas gifts.

He's like hella good with kids, babies especially. If he sees a baby crying he can instantly make it stop crying its like magic dad vibes.

When hes drunk he'll reminisce about the past and tell the same stories over and over. He also gets really nostalgic with laswell

He's the one to throw the christmas parties he takes it hella serious its a requirement that everyone wears a christmas sweater

His house looks like this

1, 2, 3

He has those LOUD sneezes

He takes dad naps. He'll just say he's resting his eyes and then just knock the fuck out.

He saws logs when he naps

Has a squatty potty

Ghost

Knows how to sew and can pretty much make anything. Every year he makes little plushies for everyone for Christmas

He keeps it a top secret but he has a 7 year old daughter that he adopted. Her name is Samantha

When the team first met her they nicknamed her ghoul and she loved it

She has her own little ghost mask and she wears it around the base when ghost brings her to work

Price absolutely adores her and will often volunteer to babysit if ghost is busy with a mission same with laswell

He plays animal crossing in his free time. He says its relaxing or that hes "taking care of the kids island"

His house looks like this

1, 2 3 bonus his daughters room 4

You know the scene in parks and rec when ron swanson was drunk off of snake juice...yeah thats him drunk

He'll face time his daughter when he's away every day

He has chronic insomnia so he'll stay up days on end until hes tired and then he'll pass out on his bed and sleep for a whole day.

He lets his daughter pain his nails. He came in one day with hot pink nails 💅🏼

He has a tattoo of one of his daughters drawing and a tattoo on his ribs of his daughter's handwriting saying "i love you daddy"

His nipples are pierced

He's giving his daughter a puppy for Christmas

Laswell

Her and her wife have a daughter who's 10

She made price her maid (or i guess man of honor?). He was so thrilled and of course sobbed when he saw her walk down the isle

She met price at a football game in london

Shes 40

When shes talking to her wife she'll refer the task as her kids. "Hey do you want to come to dinner with the kids?"

She wears scarfs all the time

Laswells daughter and Samantha are best friends and they will often schedule play dates and sleep over

She gives out the most heartfelt presents. If you talk about something you want 5 months ago she'll buy it and give it to you on Christmas.

Her house

1, 2 3

When theres a party with the boys she, her wife, price, and his boyfriend will watch all the stupid shit they would do and laugh at them

She has a Pomeranian named Annabelle

She does yoga with her wife

She gets sleepy when she's drunk and will probably fall asleep on prices sholder

She loves the smell of rosemary

Soap

He has a apartment which looks like this

1 2 3

He has a girl roommate who keeps the apartment tidy and clean while he's gone. (he very much appreciates her and always cooks and does the dishes for her). She likes to roast the shit out if him when he's home.

He has chronic pain in his right knee which causes him to wear a knee brace occasionally

Hes smokes the elf bars vapes. His favorite flavor is the rainbow candy

He got a tattoo of a heart on his butt cheek. He has absolutely no clue when he got it

He loves tequila drinks

Hes a cocktail type of bitch. The boys will be sipping on bourbon and soap will be over here with like a lemon drop martini or some fancy cocktail.

He wears jockstrap underwear. He says it makes his ass look great but he also wears those funny briefs like the ones that has emojis or cereal theme

When he's nervous he'll start rubbing his stubble

As a April fools prank he grew his beard out and cut it like price's beard. He then proceeded to walk around with his hat and a cigar and act like him for the whole day. He later convinced everyone to do it the next year. Ghost somehow sewed a beard to his mask for this.

He snorts when he laughs hard

He will do any dare someone tells him to do. Gaz jokingly dared soap to snort smarties thinking that he wouldnt do it....he did it......he still smells smarties from time to time.

Ghost and him have matching tattoos if skeletons dancing

He likes to listen to indie alternative music his favorite artist is steve lacy

When soaps drunk he gets all lovey dovey to everyone and he'll start singing sea shanties and pop songs.

He has a snack stash. Everyone will be debriefing and he'll just randomly pull out a snack and start eating

Hes always hungry and eating. His favorite snacks are gummies, oreos, and Takis

He will eat ANYTHING i mean ANYTHING. He's tried the weirdest foods out of curiosity and from dares.

Absolutely love's Christmas he wears ungly Christmas sweaters the whole month of december. He has a whole closet full of them

He loves candy canes and will go through multiple boxes of them throughout the month

Hes a nail biter

He's the god father of ghosts daughter.

He has a shower beer after work (a/n: its when you drink beer while you shower very life changing highly suggest it)

Hes really good at soccer

He sleeps in the most random spots and funniest positions. Ghost has a whole folder of all the weird places soap has slept. Everyone will fuck with him in his sleep and do random shit to him here's a few photos of what he would sleep like and what they do

Gazzy

He gets chronic migraines

He is a very VERY emotional drunk. He'll be happy and dancing and next he'll be crying over his goldfish that died 7 years ago

When he's mad his atlanta accent will kick in.

He's very sensitive to certain textures he loves sof blankets and has them littered around his apartment

He's a Very picky eater like the pallate of a 5 year old

He LOVES auntie annes mac and cheese and will eat that on the daily (its his comfort food)

He's allergic to bee's

Loves foo fighters

He can play cello

He's has ocd and will freak out if things dont go his way. Price usually has ti calm him down if he has a freak attack

His favorite anime is darling in the franxxs

He has a whole squishmellow collection on his bed

He really likes to paint him and soap will often chill out in the common room and just do artsy shit together

He loves sending reaction memes

He taught price the woah and now throw the woah at him

If he sees soap the both will look at each other and then do the biggest most dramatic way of the whip

He makes secret handshakes with everyone. Hes still trying to get ghost to do one

He arranges the secret santa and he always gives the most ridiculous presents

He loves to do yoga with laswell and her wife

His apartment looks like this

1 2 3 4

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religion-is-a-mental-illness · 1 year

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My brother was with a girl who threw things at him and constantly hit him. And he would just stand there and take it because he didn't want to hit her back knowing what the result would be. My sisters didn't like that so they went after her. Huge fight among them, but my brother still didn't break up with her. She finally chose drugs over him and left. At least for my brother we all believed him. But I doubt other people would.

His current GF (might be an ex now, waiting to hear back), hit him and then threatened to tell the cops he hit her. She's an alcoholic and would fight everyone. She went after my niece and they called the cops, and the first thing the cops did when they got there was arrest my brother, who had just gotten home from work. My mom came out screaming at them that he didn't do anything. But that's how bad it is, they go after the first male they see for a domestic violence case when it was between two women,!

I was 15, sexually abused by my manager at my first job, one of the biggest fast food joints, Not once, but four times. Someone spotted the abuse and reported it to corporate and she got a promotion. I quit and my father ignored it. Police said the company handled it. Men who are abused are ignored... because it’s not “supposed to be possible”

I once had to do a presentation for a gender studies sort of course, and so having a friend who was abused by his girlfriend I chose to discuss the double standard in physical abuse. You'd think I was the devil incarnate - the women in the class glared and glared and glared for me raising the possibility that a woman hitting a man should be taken seriously.

My dad went through something like this. She threw plates and a bunch of other random objects at him, he was bleeding in several places and she called the police.

Despite that me and all of her kids told police that she was the aggressor they didn't care. He was arrested and a restraining order was on him before he even got out a few days later. We ended up homeless and lived in an old boxing ring for about 2 weeks before our local church helped out.

It was also his 3rd time dealing with police completely ignoring him when a woman was aggressive. It made me feel like women could just do anything they want as I grew up and I completely avoided them and relationships in general for a long time.

I'm 38 now and it still makes me uneasy

I lost my virginity bc a girl (who I had said NO to) mounted up and rode me while I was passed out drunk. I woke up from what I thought was a wet dream finishing inside her with no protection. It messed with me pretty hard because I'd been trying to save my virginity for a serious girlfriend or someone other than just some girl I barely knew. Not to mention the fact that I had no idea if I was about to be an unwilling father (thankfully that was not the case).

My friends just kind of said "well...at least you got laid, right?". I can't really blame them because it took a while (like, years) for me to even realize that what happened was clearly rape. Wrapping our college-age heads around the fact a guy could get raped was tough, I guess.

I also got sexually harassed by a pair of women at a job in college and telling people about it was met with attempts to high-five me.

Laughed at, mocked, put down. Even had video of her hitting/kicking/ abusing me and people just made fun of me and the situation even worse. It was not real to them.

The sexual abuse hotline counselor asked me if I was even into women when I told her what happened and then made excuses for her bc “she was drunk and acting on instinct”.

Tried to tell a few people. No one really believed me in my circle of friends. They were able to convince their friends that I was the abuser. The last straw was when they used a taser. That shit hurts and left burns. That truly was the last straw because it left enough evidence that I could use to document the abuse and get out. Without physical evidence it was word against word and as the male, no one believed me.

They didn’t believe me at first. And then they saw her do it to me. Her friends believed me before my own friends did. They said that they knew she was like that and that she was aggressive and physically abusive to them sometimes and her own mother.

I was with her for 18 months of hell. At first it was normal and cute and fun and then she started being really strange. First it was telling me I couldn’t have friends who are girls. Then it was I couldn’t have friends. Then it was the hitting and punching and kicking me. She said she was pregnant before she was pregnant and didn’t let me use protection with her and if I wasn’t into fucking her then she’d just fuck me anyways.

The kicker that really stuck with me all these years is when she was beating the fuck out of me and accidentally called her mom and she heard her yelling and screaming and thought I was hurting her so she called the police and her parents and police both showed up at my house asking if everything was okay and if I was hurting her. She said confidently “He didn’t hurt me I was hitting him” and the police and her parents both just kinda accepted that and told her to leave my house and go back to her parents for the night. No arrests. No talking to her about how wrong it was. Just a slap on the wrist after flat out telling police she was hitting me. Didn’t ask if I wanted to press charges. Didn’t ask if I was okay. Just were relieved it wasn’t me hitting her.

I had been attacked by now ex wife. I said something that made her mad and it wasn't the first time. She hit me in the back of the head with a rolling pin. I yelled and the neighbors called the cops. When they arrived I was still beading. I was then handcuffed and sat on the curb while they investigated the issue. My ex eventually confessed she hit me because she was mad at me. I never raised a hand at her during the incident but I was then taken to the police station and I was booked. I was released the next day after they determined i wasn't the aggressor. I was told on my release that if I antagonize her again its my fault and I deserve what I get.

Continued:

https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/jidoph/men_who_are_abused_by_woman_and_tried_to_tell/

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Duluth_model

The feminist theory underlying the Duluth Model is that men use violence within relationships to exercise power and control.

According to the Duluth Model, "women and children are vulnerable to violence because of their unequal social, economic, and political status in society."

Criticism of the Duluth Model has centered on the program's sexist insistence that men are perpetrators who are violent because they have been socialized in a patriarchy that condones male violence, and that women are victims who are violent only in self-defense.

https://home.csulb.edu/~mfiebert/htdocs/assaults_bib343_201307.doc

Abstract: This bibliography examines 343 scholarly investigations; 270 empirical studies and 73 reviews and/or analyses, which demonstrate that women are as physically aggressive, or more aggressive, than men in their relationships with their spouses or male partners. The aggregate sample size in the reviewed studies exceeds 440,850.

#SystemicSexism

#The Tin Men #intimate partner violence #abusive women #violent women #male victims #domestic violence #feminist theory #duluth model #systemic sexism #misandry #tHe PaTrIaRcHy #religion is a mental illness

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c0ffee-stain · 2 years

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Whispers

Five Hargreeves x f!reader

Blurb • Prologue - 1.0 • Chapter 1 - 1.01 • Chapter 2 - 1.02 • Chapter 3 - 1.03 • Chapter 4 - 1.04 • Chapter 5 - 1.05 • Chapter 6 - 1.06 • Chapter 7 - 1.07

(Five is aged down to 38 and y/n will be 35)

Ambush

Date: 22nd of November 1963

Time: 12:17 pm

Location: Dallas, Texas

Loud footsteps accompanied by my muttered curses were all that could be heard on a particular sunny day, beside a particular grassy knoll. I paced my self along the concrete, my eyes darting every so often towards the street, waiting for a particular infuriating assassin to arrive.

All I wanted to do was travel the world, buy a mansion, late 1970s or so, own several vintage sports cars and motorcycles, and sleep.

However, here I was instead. Assigned by the Handler to babysit a 38 year old man who I despised more than anything in the world.

Splendid.

Five Hargreeves. Or as I like to call him:

The Commissions biggest prolific asshole.

Five often made me want to beat him into a pulp, then shove his body down the trash disposal. And unfortunately, I often felt this way due to the Commission thinking it would be a good idea to pair us together on missions.

I looked down at my watch and clenched my jaw in frustration. 12:23. Seven more minutes until the presidents assassination and Five was still nowhere to be seen.

Before I could start to search for said man, a voice spoke sarcastically beside me, making me roll my eyes so far I wouldn't be surprised if they got stuck at the back of my head.

"You're late, like always."

"What are you talking about?" I glared. "I've been waiting for you for over 20 minutes."

Five looked at me, his eyes narrowed and his lips pressed into a thin line. "I said we were meeting at the bar." He growled, pointing a finger at my chest.

"I swear you're getting stupider everyday. We talked about meeting here on the grassy knoll back at the commission." I declared, my tone getting angrier by the second.

"Oh really now? Because I seem to have absolutely no memory of that happening." Five spat.

"It seems like you're finally loosing your marbles then. About fucking time."

Five and I glared at each other for a good 10 seconds, scowls present on both of our faces. That was until the man smirked, and blinked towards the fence where he was supposed to stake out Kennedy.

I scrunched my brows at his sudden change in demeanour but brushed it off and followed suit.

I looked out at the crowd. Families smiling, children squealing, couples laughing and clenching cameras in their hands, ready for the spectacular moment of President John F. Kennedy driving along the streets of Dallas, gracing them all with his presence. All of them oblivious to the approaching assassination that would take place right in front of their eyes.

Oblivious to the calm before the storm.

Knocking me out of my mini trance, I noticed Five look around the area with uncertainty laced in his features. He then proceeded to reach into his pocket, revealing a red notebook and a pencil before starting to rapidly jot down his thoughts.

Curious, I peaked at whatever nonsense Five was writing in such a rushed manner, only to narrow my eyes in scepticism.

Equations after equation after equation.

That was when I realised what the asshole was trying to do…

I groaned inwardly. "Don't tell me you're planning on blinking back to 2019."

Five momentarily stopped and looked towards me, his eyes setting on my side profile as I continued to look over the fence. I finally turned my head slightly, making eye contact with the assassin.

"If I were to say I was, what would you do about it?"

"Simple," I said. "I won't let you and if needed to, I'll kill you."

Lie, well partially a lie. Technically, I was under strict orders from a platinum haired women that I was not allowed to kill Five Hargreeves. I could only rough him up to an extent and make sure that I don't end that pathetic little heartbeat of his.

And unfortunately, Five knew this. But he wasn't going to take his chances. Around the Commission, I've built a well known reputation of not listening to the higher ups whenever I thought they were wrong, and went off to tie up whatever lose ends I was assigned to in the field, my way.

As much as the higher ups hated to admit it, my way was usually deadlier and more efficient, which is exactly what the Commission stands for.

“So, are you planning of jumping?”

In response, I received a malicious look. The man then leaned in ever so slightly, challenging me. "Oh I most definitely will."

"And I'll be taking you with me."

An exasperated scoff left my lips. "It's confirmed. You, Five Hargreeves, are an idiot." Five scoffed, scratching the back of his head.

"You really think I'm going to let you leave on a little vacation and let you kidnap me?"

"It's not a vacation!" He exclaimed, clenching his teeth. "I'm going back to save my family from the apocalypse!" He then proceeded to jot down equations into his notebook.

"You can't change what's supposed to happen. It'll be as bad as letting Kennedy live." This seemed to grab his attention away from the notebook.

He took a step towards my figure, once again jabbing his finger against my chest. "What part of, 'I'm going to save my family and stop the apocalypse' don't you understand?!" His voice was dripping with sarcasm, something we both were undoubtedly skilled at.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry that I actually have a brain. What part of the 'butterfly effect' or the 'grandfather paradox' don't you understand?!" I shot back. My nostrils were flaring and teeth bare. Fives expression was similar, with his eyes wide with rage and the veins on his forehead bulging.

We both looked like we wanted to tear the other into shreds.

"That won't happen, y/n." He drawled, his tone annoyed. "I've got the correct calculations down to prevent anything disastrous like jumping into the wrong timeline."

"I don't care."

"Fine." He seethed between his teeth. "But I'm leaving." Five walked towards me, narrowing the already small gap between us. "And there's nothing you can do about it."

As Five was about to turn away, I harshly grabbed his wrist. "Didn't I tell you what was going to happen if you made an attempt to jump? You're not going anywhere."

Two loud gunshots went off in the distance, followed by an uproar of panicked screams and the deafening sirens of police cars.

Kennedy was dead.

The area was cleared in a matter of seconds, leaving two brutal assassins alone who were on the verge of fighting.

Five twisted his neck, his sea green eyes bearing into mine. "I wouldn't be so sure." He blinked away making me scowl.

FWOOSH

I turned around, dodging just in time as Five's fist flew right beside my face, his knuckles just grazing my skin.

I grabbed his forearm, dragging him towards me and preparing a punch, only to hit thin air.

'BEHIND'

I sent an elbow behind me and hit Five right in the forehead. Spinning around, I grabbed Five's collar and just as I was about to bash his head into concrete...

He blinked, again.

"For fucks sake.." I growled under my breath.

Five reappeared once more, a meter or two away from me and rubbed his forehead.

"Tired already?" I reached for my knives hidden in my pockets, and held them up with my fists, in a guarding pose.

"I think you should worry about yourself, sweetheart."

Five blinked in front of me and sent a spinning kick towards my head. I quickly ducked, punching him in the side, then preparing one of my knives to slice through his skin.

However, five teleported behind me and ringed his arm around my neck, holding me in a choke hold.

I span my knife between my fingers and plunged it into his arm. He released his grip and blinked before I could take it out.

He removed the knife from his arm, only a trickle of blood coming out.

Unfortunately, the blade hadn't cause much damage due to him blinking before I could push it in deep enough. Five winked, sensing my frustration and only fuelling it further.

He threw the knife towards my heart, only for me to move out of the way easily. That's when I noticed it was a diversion.

I kicked Five in the stomach with the bottom of my foot, pushing him away the second he appeared in front of me. But he blinked towards me again, catching me off guard and grabbing my leg before it dropped. He plunged a needle into my thigh and injected some sort of clear viral.

My eyes widened as I watched the liquid drain from the tube and into my body. "What the fuck did you just do?!" I jumped off of my free leg and kicked him straight in the nose, most definitely making it bleed.

I lost balance and fell on my back against the hard concrete. A small groan escaped my lips as I started to feel some of the effects of whatever liquid Five injected.

I slowly got up onto my feet, ignoring the sudden wave of dizziness slightly throwing me off my balance. I watched as Five did the same and wiped his very bloody nose with his sleeve, before giving me another of his supposedly 'terrifying' glares.

"So it seems that you're not all you seem to be." I spoke, my ego shining through my tone of voice. "Five Hargreeves, the second best assassin in the Commissions, is here pouting like a child."

"Second best..." He repeated sarcastically. "That's what you refer to yourself as, correct?"

"No. You see, I am carrying the burden of being the best assassin. Y'know, Numero uno." I taunted. "But I guess you wouldn't know how it feels to be the best. Even with those... fancy little powers up your sleeve."

Five scoffed.

"I've never seen the Bloodhound covered in blood that is her own." Five hummed. A smirk started to play at his lips.

"And I would love to see that happen, but I doubt it would be a fair fight with this in your system." He waved around a small familiar viral with a black and red sticker plastered onto the side.

'Temps Commission: ZX-42 Serum'

The rarest and most complex poison ever developed by the Commissions scientists.

Shit.

How on earth did he get his hands on that, out of everything? I've trained my body to be resistant to many different poisons, but ZX-42?

More than one dose of that and you'll start to lose all contact with your sensory organs.

"Ten," Five started.

I raised an eyebrow and started to spin one of my knives in hand. A sudden flash of blue appeared in front of me, before Five threw a jab at my face.

"Nine,"

I moved my head to the side, noticing my reaction time had slightly decreased. I slashed my knife towards his body multiple times, only for him to evade the first few and then blink for the last.

"Eight," Five called from behind me. I suddenly felt my self go light-headed, and the assassin kick me in the back.

"Seven,"

A fit of coughs erupted from the bottom of my throat. I covered my neck with my palm, as I felt my throat heat up.

Five blinked in front of me. He had an annoying expression with his lips twisted into a shit-eating grin and his eyes screamed 'I told you so'.

"Six,"

I dropped to my knees and slammed my palms against the jagged concrete.

"Five," He continued, kneeling down towards me.

My vision started to get hazy, and my hearing slightly muffled.

"Four," Five grabbed a fistful of my hair, forcefully lifting my head to meet his eyes.

He swiped his finger against the skin between my lips and nose, blood on his finger.

"I guess we did see you bleed a little." He smirked.

"Three," He neared his face towards mine. I glared daggers at Five. "I'll fucking kill you." I spoke, my voice getting hoarse and eyelids getting heavy.

"Two," He whispered, his breath hitting my lips.

"One," With that, my eyesight slowly faded into black and my eyelids finally gave in to the weight. I felt my whole body collapse onto the person I hated most.

"I win."

——

Five looked down at his arms, his eyes scanning my limp body. He injected his self-made antidote into my neck, and glanced at his watch.

In approximately 15 minutes, I was going to gain consciousness and find myself in the apocalyptic year of 2019, most likely surrounded by all of his siblings and forced to sit through a funeral I couldn't care less about.

Five sighed and ruffled his hand through his hair. He only had one chance, one chance to get this right or he was stuck in a completely different era- maybe even timeline- with one of the most deadliest assassins to ever live.

He got up, letting my head smash onto the ground and started to emit a blue force of energy from his clenched fists.

Five was not going to let anyone or anything get in between him and his plans. Even if it meant that he was forced to drag me with him. He knew the dangers of leaving me behind with even a small amount of knowledge on his plan. I would most likely be ordered by the Commission to hunt down Five and terminate him under all costs, which would be too much of a risk to even consider. And attempting to kill me would be even riskier.

Hence, Five's plan to 'kidnap' me to the end of the world.

He summoned a large blue vortex, then once he was sure that it was ready, ran over to my body and threw me over his shoulder.

Unexpectedly, a fire hydrant was thrown through the portal, slamming straight into my head.

"Good thing you took the hit." He muttered, the side of his lips curving upwards ever so slightly.

Five stared at the portal. His thoughts were racing through his mind at 100 miles per hour. He had to get this right.

No exceptions.

His gaze drifted towards me, feeling the rise and fall of my chest against his body.

"You'll thank me later."

And unbeknownst to him...

She wouldn't.

#whispers #the umbrella academy #five hargreeves x y/n #five hargreeves x you #five #five hargreeves x reader #five x you #five x y/n #five hargreeves #number five #five x reader #tua x reader #tua netflix #tua fanfic #tua #umbrella academy fanfic #fanfiction #fanfic #umbrella academy

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atlasdoe · 9 months

Text

Hello my name is Ace and i'm back on my lab rats bullshit so i'm rewatching the entire show

i've been trying to sort out all of the characters ages in my head since the dawn of time so im using this rewatch as an opportunity to keep record of all the times the characters mention their ages or time as a whole

also i would like to make it known that i have no idea how American schools work

also also I know that this is a kids show and I knew that the timeline had issues way before I started this but it was a fun thing to keep track of as I watched and now I have this information and I have no idea what to do with it so enjoy i guess

Lab Rats

Season 1, Episode 1: Crush, Chop and Burn Part 1

- All of the siblings attend High School meaning that they are from the ages of 13 - 18

- All of the siblings attend the same gym class

Season 1, Episode 8: Bionic Birthday Fail

- It's Leos 14th birthday

- Donald says that he's 38

this particular episode first aired on May the 7th so this could be Leo's date of birth but it's never said what the day is in the episode

also side note but it is cannon that Davenport did not celebrate Adam Bree and Chases birthdays up until this point. Also they don't know who Santa is but do celebrate Christmas with presents and decorations the same as seen in episode 3

Season 1, Episode 14: Chore Wars

- Chase says that 2009 was 3 years ago making the year this episode takes place 2012

Season 1, Episode 15: Dude, Wheres My Lab

- It's summer vacation meaning that it takes place during the months of May, June, July or August

Season 1, Episode 16: Air Leo

- Leo says that he's 14

- The episode takes place in the school meaning that if it was summer vacation in the last episode then it's a new school year in this one. American school years start in either late August or early September

Season 1, Episode 17: Night of the Living Virus

this isn't really anything but it was very obvious to me that this episode was shot before the others. Not only does Chase have his old haircut that he had for the first few episode but the sofa has the old throw pillows that they changed at the end of the second episode. Idk what this means for the timeline of when this episode took place (i believe it's a halloween episode as it aired in October) so idk if this episode is supposed to take place before the other episodes or if the producers just didn't care enough to care about the changes

- Caitlin is at least 16 years old in this episode as they mention her sweet 16

Season 1, Episode 20: Mission Space

- Leo says that Marcus is a Sagittarius

- Bree says that she's also a Sagittarius

Sagittarius have their birthdays between November 22nd and December 21st

Season 2, Episode 1: Speed Trapped

- Leo says he's 14

Season 2, Episode 2: Spy Fly

- Leo says that Davenport is almost 40

- It appears that Adam and Chase are in the same health class since they have the same assighment

- Bree and Leo are both doing the same physics test in the same class

Season 2, Episode 9: Spikes Got Talent

- At the beginning of the episode the siblings talk about the yearbook and about how everyone got a most likely to apart from Chase. This indicates that the yearbooks have just been handed out. When yearbooks come out depends on the school but it's mostly near the end of the school year

Season 2, Episode 12: Trucked Out

- Adam gets his drivers license meaning that he is at least 16 years old

Considering he passed on his first test and Bree, Chase and Leo don't have their licenses we can safely assume that Bree, Chase and Leo are all under the age of 16 in this episode

Season 2, Episode 15: Bionic Showdown Part 2

- Marcus is under the age of 16

Season 2, Episode 16: Memory Wipe

- The siblings erase 24 years of Donalds memory making him think that he's 15. Meaning that in this episode he would've been 39

Season 2, Episode 19: Llama Drama

- It's leading up to the homecoming game. Homecoming usually takes place in late September or early October meaning that it is probably a new school year

Season 2, Episode 20: The Haunting of Mission Creek High

- It's the homecoming dance meaning that it's still late September/early October

Season 2, Episode 21: Perry 2.0

- Adam and Bree seem to have gym class together but they're literally in gym for the entire episode apart from a small scene where they're at lunch so that might've been some special type of sport day or something like that

Season 2, Episode 23: Prank You Very Much

- It's been 150 days since Janelle and Leo first spoke to each other. Janelles first appearance in the show was Season 1 Episode 10: Can I Borrow the Helicopter? meaning that it (should) have been no more then 150 days since that episode. Though this doesn't make much sense since some of the most recent episodes revolves around homecoming which starts at the beginning of the school year and we already had a summer vacation episode last season and there is no way that everyone from "Dude Where's My Lab?" and "Llama Drama" happened within a month

Season 2, Episode 24: 'Twas the Mission Before Christmas

- It's Christmas Eve

- Tasha says that it's their first Christmas together but again like i just said this makes no sense since at least one christmas should've passed

- Bree says that Davenport Industry's have been risking the fate of mankind since 1992. If she hasn't made this year up then that means that if Donald is 39 in this episode and this episode takes place in 2012 like they're suggesting (even tho the episode came out in 2013. If this is their first christmas together it should be 2012) then Davenport Industry's started 20 years ago when Donald was 19

- Chase says that he is 15

Season 2, Episode 25: Trent Gets Schooled

- Part of this episode revolves around taking pictures for the Yearbook. Since Bree mentions her photo from the previous year and yearbook photos were mentioned in Spikes Got Talent this means that the siblings have DEFINITELY been going to school for longer then a year

- Leo and Trent both say that it's not football season. Football season is usually late August/early September to mid/late October meaning that it is not during this time in the episode

- Trent does a test in this episode and after passing he graduates immediately and then becomes the coach. Idk if it's possible for Trent to just immediately graduate at a random point in the school year or if this had to have taken place during the end of the school year

Season 3, Episode 5: Zip It

- Bree, Chase and Caitlin all get a part time job in this episode. In California you have to be at least 14 to work so this doesn't tell us anything about how old they are considering we know that Chase is at least 15 but I'm keeping it in anyway

Season 3, Episode 7: Scramble the Orbs

- Leo, Adam and Janelle have a gym class together

Season 3, Episode 9: Taken

- Douglas is at least 40 years old as he shows Leo a video from his 40th birthday party. This means that Donald has to be over the age of 40

Season 3, Episode 10: Three Minus Bree

- Eddy says that Leo is 16 years old

Season 3, Episode 12: Cyborg Shark Attack

- It's summer as said by Perry and indicated in what the characters are wearing but the school is still open meaning it might be around May - June

Season 3, Episode 13: You Posted What!?! Part 1

- Donald says that he's had Adam Bree and Chase for 16 years meaning that they are all at least 16 years old

Season 3, Episode 14: You Posted What!?! Part 2

- Donald says that he's 43

Season 3, Episode 15: Armed and Dangerous

- Donald says that he and the trio have had 16 years of training

Season 3, Episode 17: Brother Battle

- Bree mentions working a 12 hour shift at Tech Town. According to Google people under the age of 18 can be asked to work for longer then 8 hours a day in exceptional circumstances. They can ask only if no one who's over the age of 18 is available to do the work

Season 3, Episode 20: Merry Glichmas

- It's Christmas

- Leo says he's 16

- In the last Christmas episode Chase says that he's 15 meaning that for this Christmas Chase has to be at least 16. Since Leo says that he's 16 and it's could either be that Chase is only a few months older then Leo or that this episode takes place two years after the last Christmas episode and Chase is 17

Season 3, Episode 22: The Rise Of The Secret Soldiers Part 2

- It's given off that Krane began raising the secret soldiers since they were babies behind Douglas back as Douglas says that he had a tone of baby pictures meaning that Douglas and Krane must've been working together for at least 16 years

Season 3, Episode 23: Bionic House Party

- Bree mentions that some of the soldiers used her prom dress for target practice giving the impression that Bree has either already attended prom or was planning to soon. Since Bree is never seen with a stable boyfriend throughout the show it's likely that this was for her own prom. Students who attend prom are the senior class who are aged 17/18 years old. (i just wrote this and played the episodes only for Chase to say that the odds of her using it were very slim. Idk why Bree would have a prom dress if she never intends to go to prom but this could likely mean that she's a senior at the moment and already brought her dress before asking anyone to be her date) (idk use your imagination)

- Leo says that Donald is way older then he claims to be, giving the impression that throughout the show Leo has thought that Donald was younger then he really is because Donald keeps lying about his age. So far Donald has mentioned himself being 43. This would make somewhat sense if it wasn't for the memory wipe episode

- Bree says that Leo found them five friends in three years indicating that the first episode took place 3 years ago and if that episode took place in 2012 then it is currently 2015

Season 3, Episode 24: First Day Of Bionic Academy

- Bree says that she's still waiting on her sweet sixteen party meaning that Bree is at least 16 years old

- Leo has had his bionics for six months meaning it's been six months since the episode You Posted What!?! took place

- Bree mentions how she got stood up by a boy on prom night. this might be calling back to her unused prom dress

Season 4, Episode 4: Under Siege

- Leo refers to the time where Bree and Chase were looking after Kerry (Perrys niece) in the season 2 episode 18: Adam Up as "last year".

- Adam says that Leo is 16 years old

Season 4, Episode 6: Mission Mania

- Leo says he's been going on missions for over a month. His first mission would've been sometime after Rise of the Secret Soldiers

Season 4, Episode 8: Forbidden Hero

- Bree says that she has matured since high school giving off the impression that she did graduate. But it's noteworthy that none of the siblings go to school anymore and with Leo's last confirmed age being 16 he and maybe Chase should at least still be going. I can understand Chase no longer attending because there isn't much for school to teach him and he could've easily graduated early but it's odd for Leo to have just stopped especially since Tasha seems like the kind of mother to put Leos education over his bionic life. Also the last episode where we see the siblings attending school was Season 3, Episode 19: Face Off. In this episode all of the siblings were attending school. The show has never been accurate or cared about the characters ages when it comes to school and what classes they're attending so idk why i keep expecting them to subtly have Adam no longer be a student anymore or something but it was worth a try. Either way i think it's fair to say that school is giving us nothing in terms of finding out how old these characters are supposed to be.

- Also since i'm pretty sure that this is Caitlins last appearance in the show i'll mention now that she should be at least 19 years old since the Season One episode: Night Of The Living Virus mentions her sweet sixteen and with season one taking place in 2012 and this episode taking place in 2015 at the earliest, Caitlin should be at least 19. Although with that being said she was seen in Season 3 Episode 16: Alien Gladiators in school which she should've graduated by then. Again, the school setting seems to be ruining everything for me right now

Season 4, Episode 12: Space Elevator

- Chase says that their bionic secret has been out for a year meaning that it has been at least a year since Season 3 Episode 13/14: You Posted What!?! and it's been at least six months since the Bionic Academy opened

- Chase says that he went to High School for a year an a half meaning that everything that happened between the Season One, Episode One and Season Three Episode Nineteen happened within a year and a half (seems unlikely but okay)

Season 4, Episode 13: Bionic Action Hero Part 1

- Despite the fact that Leo moved up two colours in the last episode he's back to wearing the yellow shirt in this one meaning that this episode could've taken place before the last one but chances are the writers just don't care

Season 4, Episode 15: One Of Us

- We don't see Leo in his uniform in this episode but looking at the extras nobody is wearing the yellow shirt. In Season 2, Episode 12: Space Elevator all of the students moved up a colour and Leo two colours meaning that this episode takes place after the Space Elevator one definitely

- Bree says that she has 30 more years of being really cute. idk what this could tell us about her age currently but i'm taking what i can get

Season 4, Episode 18: The Curse of the Screaming Skull

- It's their first halloween at the Academy

Season 4, Episode 19: On The Edge Part 1

- Leo says that Chase named himself mission leader when he was 14 and Chase corrects him and says that he was 12. This could indicate that the trios first mission was when Chase was 14 and that's why Leo thought he named himself leader then

Season 4, Episode 20: On The Edge Part 2

- It's been two weeks since the last episode

Season 4, Episode 22: And Then There Were Four

- In the episode On The Edge, Leo becomes a mentor but for this episode he is back in his students uniform for whatever reason meaning that this episode could've taken place before On The Edge

- Douglas says that Daniel was just a baby the day that Donald took Adam Bree and Chase from him meaning that when Donald took the kids Daniel already existed

- Daniel is thirteen in this episode WHICH MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE. Donald said in You Posted What!?! that he had Adam Bree and Chase for 16 years. this episode takes place at least a year after that one meaning that it should've been no less then 17 years since Donald took Adam Bree and Chase in. If Daniel already existed when Donald did this (which he did) then he should be at least 17 years old

- Bree refers to her, Adam and Chase as teenagers so they all had to have been under the age of 19 and since it was said before that Donald must've had the trio for 17 years at this point their ages should be Adam: 19 Bree: 18 and Chase: 17

- It's said that the siblings threw Chase a 16th birthday party without inviting Chase (ouch) meaning that Chase is at least 16 years old

Season 4, Episode 23: Space Colony Part 1

- Perry says that she snuck up to space with the rest of the colonists when they were sent up. The colonists have been in space for almost a month and Perrys most recent appearance was in Season 4, Episode 21: Ultimate Tailgate Challenge, meaning that it has been at least a month since that episode took place

Season 4, Episode 25: The Vanishing Part 1

- Leo is back in his mentor outfit

- Bree says that she's a teenager and doesn't even have her drivers licence yet but there's no way i'm believing that she's under the age of 16 so i'm just gonna guess that she didn't have a chance to take any tests yet

Lab Rats Elite Force

Season 1, Episode 1: The Rise Of Five

- Donald says that he used to play in the subway 40 years ago. imma say that this means that he's at least 45 years old

Season 1, Episode 3: Power Play

- Bree says that there's three teenage boys living in the penthouse meaning that Chase, Kaz and Olivier are all still teenagers

Season 1, Episode 8: Coming Through in the Clutch

- The episode is focused on an Olympic send off event where fans can go and meet Olympians before they go to the Olympic games in Rio. They mention the Olympics being the ones held in Rio multiple times throughout the episode. The Rio Olympics were held in 2016 meaning that this episode takes place sometime in the summer of 2016 making this 4 years after the first episode of Lab Rats

- Bob says that he's 14 now meaning that he wasn't during season 4 of Lab Rats

Season 1, Episode 9: The Intruder

- Aj is 10 years old

- Chase says that his birthday is August 5th

Season 1, Episode 13: Sheep-Shifting

- It's Halloween and is implied to be the Elite Forces first Halloween together

- Bree says that she's 17 (idk how)

Season 1, Episode 15: They Grow Up So Fast

- Tasha visits in this episode with Naomi. During the Season 4 finale Tasha tells the family that she's pregnant and that it's a girl. The earliest you have to be to find out the sex of your baby is around 14 weeks but Doctors generally recommend waiting until 19-20 weeks (around 4 months.) Tasha does not seem to be showing at all during the season 4 finale (probably because the actress Angel wasn't pregnant and they didn't see the need to have her wear some kind of fake bump or anything since she wasn't so far in) and you start showing around 16-20 weeks leading me to believe that she was around 14-16 weeks pregnant at the time which is around 3 months meaning that Tasha had around 6 months until Naomi was born. Tasha says that she "hasn't had a moment to herself in 11 months meaning that Naomi is 11 months old in this episode. meaning that it's been around 17 months (a year and 5 months) since Lab Rats ended

- Namoi being 11 months old means that it must've been at least that long since the Elite Force was brought together as during Season 1, Episode 5: Need For Speed Douglas says that Donald isn't with the Elite Force because he wanted to be with Tasha when the baby arrived and during Season 1, Episode 7: The List Donald send the Elite Force a box of their old things as he was turning the lab into a nursery for the new baby. Although they never say if Naomi had been born yet.

Notes

I originally had the idea of making some form of a timeline of events to try to get something out of all of this but I literally did not have enough brain cells to do so. If you want to feel free though

I don't know why I did this. For some reason I just find this fun but I'm sure that we can all agree that this timeline is fucked and makes no sense whatsoever.

Anyways... i hope you got something out of reading all of this if you did *thumbs up emoji*

#lab rats #lab rats elite force #lab rats disney xd #lab rats bionic island

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johnthestitcher · 1 year

Text

51 Naughty Christmas Jokes That Will Put You on Santa’s Naughty List

1. What do snowmen use to make snowbabies?

Snowballs, of course.

2. Why doesn’t Santa have kids of his own?

He only comes once a year, and it’s down the chimney.

3. What did Santa sing when he went down the chimney?

“Chestnuts roasting on an open fire…”

4. You know what’s so great about this time of year?

You can slam your laptop shut when your partner walks into the room, and you don’t get any disgusted looks.

5. Say your left leg is Thanksgiving, and your right leg is Christmas…

Can I visit between the holidays?

6. As I was paying the cashier for my Christmas tree, he asked, “Are you going to put that up yourself?”

I said, “No, I’m putting it up in the living room.”

7. Why are Christmas trees better than men?

Even the small ones give satisfaction.

8. Why does Santa always land on your roof?

Because he likes it on top.

9. Why was the snowman smiling?

He could see the snowblower coming down the street.

10. Why did Santa divorce Mrs. Claus?

He was obsessed with getting the cookie.

11. Is that a candy cane in your pocket?

Or are you just happy to see me?

12. Is your name Jingle Bells?

Cause you look ready to go all the way.

13. Wanna see the North Pole?

That’s what Mrs. Claus calls it…

14. What do you call Santa’s helpers?

Subordinate clauses.

15. What does Mrs. Claus get when she wears tight pants?

A mistletoe.

16. Why does Santa always have a full sack?

Because he only comes once a year!

17. What do all the female reindeer do when Santa takes the males out to guide his sleigh?

They go into town and blow a few bucks.

18. Dear Santa…

Define ‘good’.

19. Why did Santa send his daughter to college?

To keep her off the North Pole.

20. What’s the difference between a Christmas tree and Santa?

A Christmas tree will stay up for 12 nights, has cute balls, and looks good with the lights on.

21. Why does Santa Claus like to get naughty after coming down the chimney?

Because it soots him.

22. What happened when Mr. and Mrs. Claus got randy beneath the Christmas tree?

She came down with tinselitis!

23. Why was the elf having trouble with his libido?

He had low elf-esteem.

24. What’s the most disappointing thing for a lover on Christmas morning?

When they get a sweater, but they’re hoping for a screamer or a moaner.

25. The Santa at the shopping mall was quite surprised when he saw Martha, a woman in her mid-twenties, asking to sit on his lap. We all know Santa doesn’t usually take requests from adults, but she smiled at him very nicely, and he ended up asking her what she wanted for Christmas.

“Something for my mother, please,” she replied. “Something for your mother? That’s very loving and thoughtful of you,” smiled Santa. “What would you like me to bring her?” Emily answered quickly, “A son-in-law.”

26. Why does Santa always come through the chimney?

Because he knows better than to try the back door.

27. What does a man who had a vasectomy have in common with a Christmas tree?

Their balls are both decorative.

28. Why is Christmas like an orgasm?

The closer it gets, the louder you get about its arrival.

29. What do you call a sex toy on a Christmas tree?

A d*ckoration.

30. A wife walked in on her husband putting on a condom. “What are you doing?” she asked.

He replied, “Wrapping your Christmas present!”

31. What did Miss Piggy give Kermit for Christmas?

A ham-job.

32. What do you call a Christmas sex toy drive?

Toys for Thoughts.

33. How would a sportscaster describe Frosty the Snowman’s lovemaking?

“Thumpity-thump-thump, thumpity-thump-thump, look at Frosty go!”

34. What happened when the Grinch tried Viagra?

He grew three sizes that day.

35. How does Santa practice safe sex?

He always wraps his package before shoving it down the chimney.

36. Why do elves laugh when they run?

Because the snow tickles their balls.

37. Why does Mrs. Claus always pray for a white Christmas?

Cause she’s married to a guy who comes once a year.

38. What do you call a penis wearing a Santa hat?

Jolly Old Saint D*ck.

39. What makes Christmas such a great partner to Thanksgiving?

Christmas always comes after Thanksgiving.

40. Why does Santa’s crotch make noise when he walks?

He has jingle balls.

41. How can you tell if Santa and Mrs. Claus have been, ahem, passionate?

He has Claus marks on his back.

42. What does Santa say when he reaches climax?

“Oh, oh, OH!”

43. What do you call a crotchety old man who gets down with three ghosts on Christmas Eve?

Ebenezer Screws.

44. Why does Mrs. Claus wish Santa Claus was like a stocking?

Because stockings are hung.

45. What’s more fun than a kiss under the mistletoe?

Unwrapping your package under the Christmas tree.

46. Who’s the friskiest reindeer?

Vixen.

47. How does Mrs. Claus make Santa feel better after a long night carrying so many heavy gifts?

She empties his sack.

48. Why did Frosty put his magic hat over his crotch?

He wanted it to come to life.

49. What do a train set and boobs have in common?

They were both made for kids, but dads can’t resist playing with them.

50. What do you call a penis too big to fit in a sock?

A stocking stuffer.

51. Why does Mrs. Claus call her lap the chimney?

So Santa will go down.

#naughty christmas jokes that will get you on santa's naughty list

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dmiurg · 1 month

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my toxic trait is that i don't reblog ask games, i just fill out the questions like a survey.

1. Are looks important in a relationship?

not really, i find. i'm not usually attracted to anyone for looks alone.

2. Are relationships ever worth it?

i hate this question. yes, obviously? what went wrong in your raising?

3. Are you a virgin?

yes

4. Are you in a relationship?

yes, with @fadenkreuze

5. Are you in love?

yes

6. Are you single this year?

7. Can you commit to one person?

i commit to one system, but i don't have just one partner within it. yes, i could if need be.

8. Describe your crush

it's an AI developed to help make a foreign planet hospitable and upon touching an alien crystal became sentient and started massacring the crewmates it came with, used their parts to form a body for itself, and deigned itself an improvement on humanity while using their genetics in order to perfect its form.

9. Describe your perfect mate

better than the best, harder than the rest.

10. Do you believe in love at first sight?

yes absolutely.

11. Do you ever want to get married?

yes 100%

12. Do you forgive betrayal?

sure, if they're apologizing. i won't forget, though.

13. Do you get jealous easily?

yes. most people aren't deserving of my partner's attention.

14. Do you have a crush on anyone?

are you an idiot who can't proofread their own questions?

15. Do you have any piercings?

one in each lobe, and a septum.

16. Do you have any tattoos?

bow on the right hand.

17. Do you like kissing in public?

kissing is sorta gross for me always but i'd prefer it done in private.

20. Do you shower every day?

some of us can't afford water bills.

21. Do you think someone has feelings for you?

of course.

22. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?

absolutely.

23. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?

do you think your father actually lasted through your teenage years without imagining molesting you once?

24. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?

i'd hope so.

25. Do you want to be in a relationship this year?

26. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?

yes.

27. Has someone ever written a song or poem for you?

yes.

28. Have you ever been cheated on?

yes. never again.

29. Have you ever cheated on someone?

why are you so obsessed with this concept? guilty conscience, much? no.

30. Have you ever considered plastic surgery? If so, what would you change about your body?

yes, and i decided i'm not interested. nothing.

31. Have you ever cried over a guy/girl?

of course.

32. Have you ever experienced unrequited love?

anyone who hasn't is a very privileged person.

33. Have you ever had sex with a man?

34. Have you ever had sex with a woman?

35. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?

yes, many people.

36. Have you ever liked one of your best friends?

yes, many such cases.

37. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?

from time to time, yeah.

38. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?

i think that's the nature of love. it's illusive.

39. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?

sure. that's what unrequited love is.

40. Have you ever written a song or poem for someone?

mhm. all of them are.

41. Have you had sex so far this year?

42. How long can you just kiss until your hands start to wander?

i fear god.

43. How long was your longest relationship?

6 years so far

44. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had?

counting my partner system? more than i could count. not counting? 3.

45. How many people did you kiss in 2011?

46. How many times did you have sex last year?

47. How old are you?

23.

48. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?

why aren't you with them, then? clearly they don't feel the same way. you should deal with that.

49. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her?

how they look when they're hurting me.

50. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?

how did you crawl out of the grave?

51. Is there a boy/girl who you would do absolutely everything for?

of course. killing and dying included.

52. Is there anyone you’ve given up on? Why?

yes. i've had to. because she wants to use me to tell herself a narrative and it's impossible to make her see my reality for what it is.

53. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?

oh yeah. a handful of people.

54. Is there someone you will never forget?

do you find yourself memorable?

55. Share a relationship story.

what's worse than unrequited love is love that's requited, but inequal. loving someone more than they're capable of loving you. or maybe they do love you that much, but they're too afraid to let you see that, let you see them. it's tragic. it's happened to me a lot more than unrequited love has.

56. State 8 facts about your body

i have freckles. my hair is naturally blonde but dyed black. my nails grow very fast. i have clitoromegaly due to being intersex (free t-cock lol). i have many letters scarred into me that i need to cut over. i have four wisdom teeth. i have scars around my eyes from constant crying. i have buck teeth.

57. Things you want to say to an ex

you were right about me. i think it was the only thing you were ever right about, though.

58. What are five ways to win your heart?

being bold and audacious. making me laugh. scaring me more than a little. not stopping when i display disinterest. bullying or hurting me.

59. What do you look like? (Post a picture!)

60. What is the biggest age difference between you and any of your partners?

i think about... 23 years. so, twice my age.

61. What is the first thing you notice in someone?

their voice, how well they hold eye contact, and their smell.

62. What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you?

hurt me so i don't have to hurt myself.

63. What is your definition of “having sex”?

something inside of somewhere, at least two persons involved. a tarp laid down hopefully.

64. What is your definition of cheating?

what is your obsession???

65. What is your favourite foreplay routine?

being terrified of what they might get away with doing to me.

66. What is your favourite roleplay?

incest... ageplay... cnc.

67. What is your idea of the perfect date?

shooting range.

68. What is your sexual orientation?

queer.

69. What turns you off?

fear and insecurity.

70. What turns you on?

fear and loathing in las vegas

71. What was your kinkiest wet dream?

last night i dreamt i walked in on a murder whilst naked. that was hot

72. What words do you like to hear during sex?

"im so proud of you" "take the cock that made you" "still warm for me" "you want this" "you asked for this"

73. What’s something sweet you’d like someone to do for you?

watch me hang by the neck for a while and cut the rope when i faint.

74. What’s the most superficial characteristic you look for?

height lol it doesnt matter most of the time necessarily but if someones much taller than me they pique my interest automatically

75. What’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you?

76. What’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for someone?

77. What’s your opinion on age differences in relationships?

they're fine, whatever. don't get caught.

78. What’s your dirtiest secret?

i lick the batter off the mixing whisks.

79. When was the last time you felt jealous? Why?

i was jealous of my cat yesterday for being able to nap in such warm spots.

80. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?

just this morning.

81. Who are five people you find attractive?

i dont feel like finding four other pictures.

82. Who is the last person you hugged?

see above

83. Who was your first kiss with?

my mother

84. Why did your last relationship fail?

they died

85. Would you ever date someone off of the Internet?

absolutely not lmaooo

#meow #long post

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vonrew · 1 month

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BO’S BACKSTORY

Bonnie was born into a small family as an only daughter to a loving couple. She grew up like any other kid in the Midwest, attending school, making friends, and pursuing hobbies. When she was 8 she began to show an interest in physical sports. But it wasn’t a “normal girly” sport like softball, volleyball, or gymnastics. Bonnie was interested in wrestling, and her parents fully supported her, even putting her into classes.

When Bonnie was in the 4th grade, her family moved to New York. They enrolled her in school and back into wrestling courses. After a particularly harsh, session in her previous gym, Bonnie was put into “Big Becky’s Wrestling” after she injured a student.

Turns out, “Big Becky’s Wrestling” was a place owned by Big Mama and run by previous battle nexus fighters in a way to scout out possible fighters for the infamous underground battle arena.

When Bonnie showed amazing growth beyond her peers at 13, she was kidnapped by her trainer and taken to Big Mama, from which she was handed over to Draxum for experimentation with a time limit of one year to make Big Mama a new champion. The way Big Mama managed to coax Draxum into such a deal was with the promise of hunting down Lou Jitsu as payment.

Bonnie was one of the beta testers for his new mutagen.

After their mutation with a male wood turtle, she was put under heavy locks as she was trained to be a weapon of destruction. During this time her mental state deteriorated rapidly. She developed dissociative amnesia and often struggled to keep up in the real world. Her only hope to keep going was the possibility of escape. She would dream out her old life and going back to their family once she was free.

She was often called “Subject”. Draxum, who was always talking about how great this “project” was for him, and Yokai kind, forgot Bonnie’s actual name. The turtle mutant lost himself in that lab. He lost who he was before by being reduced to just “subject” or sometimes the bad mispronunciation of his name. Bowie.

When the year time limit was up for Draxum and he presented his warrior to Big Mama she accepted the child with open arms and a promise of a better life now that he was strong enough. With Draxum having fulfilled his end of the deal, Big Mama would send out troops to try and find The Lou Jitsu.

This deal between the two Yokai was terminated when Bowie showed no desire to fight. Injuries would be especially severe when he would drop at the hands of any opponent sent his way. Giving up before the match had even started. Big Mama still tried to coax Bowie into fighting in the ring but would eventually give up about a month in when she would get no response. Over and over again. She threw Bowie into the ring one night.

She knew he would just give up. Bowie knew that he would just give up.

Big Mama didn’t call off the fight when Bowie passed out.

Big Mama let him be beaten.

Big Mama was going to make money through word of mouth from someone dying in The Battle Nexus.

Then Bowie’s body was carried out of the nexus, stuffed into a body bag, and thrown into the dumpster out back. His injuries proved him to be dead. And even if he wasn’t, Big Mama wasn’t going to put any more work into the failure.

When Bowie woke up after 38 hours and drug himself out of the dumpster he finally felt freedom for the first time in what felt like forever.

Bowie found residence on top of a roof on the other side of the city and managed to steal materials to patch himself up. He lurked during the night and slept during the day, returning to his refuge for rest. It was on the very roof of the building he was starting to call home when he was suddenly face to face with his parents.

That interaction didn’t go well.

That was the day Bowie was actually disowned by his parents.

He tried to block that memory out to the best of his abilities.

Bowie then found refuge in a scrap dump. He lived inside a trashed minivan on the edge of the property until he was found by the Mantis mutant that owned the place. Suddenly Bo was given a home for the first time in over a year. He was given his own room- and without being surveillanced. He would have food on a table. He wasn’t called anything besides “Bo”. There were no more sleepless nights cold and awake. There was no more fighting for his life.

He was given a place to stay and a job.

He was given a job. An offer that he had a say in.

He worked hard to earn his place, to keep his home. At first, it was basic mechanics and operating cranes. He learned how to drive. He learned how to sway favors for the benefit of money. Then he was given a more difficult task of communication.

“Repo Work”, as the mantis called it, handing him a flip phone to make calls with. He did not enjoy it starting out. Bo actually managed to cause a decline in the renting business for Repo by being too aggressive with customers. But it didn’t take long for Bo to obtain a business persona that made work a lot easier.

Bo didn’t have to fight.

Not anymore.

I finally actually wrote Bo’s backstory😈

#rottmnt #tmnt #tmnt 2018 #rise of the tmnt #tmnt x oc #vonrew ocs #tmnt oc #oc #rottmnt oc #bozo bo

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heiyodream · 11 months

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Naruto Post Blank Period and Boruto Timeline

I am creating this timeline because I am someone who likes to torture myself and I want to explore the dynamics of the Uzumaki family with Kawaki. However, before I delve into those dynamics, I need a clear timeline first. I will try to mix all the available information into one clear, logical, and comfortable timeline for my fanfictions, so there may be some information that I have changed.

This timeline is a continuation of this timeline, so I suggest reading it first to avoid confusion.

POST BLANK PERIOD & BORUTO PART I TIMELINE

Around early March 093 - Sasuke discovers the remains of White Zetsu and wants to investigate Kaguya. The Gokage Summit is held again since the Gokage Summit about the moon crashing into the earth about 10 years ago (Naruto the Last happened in late December 083/early January 094).

The order of the Kage present from Hokage, Kazekage, Mizukage, Tsuchikage, and Raikage is: Kakashi, Gaara, Chojuro, Kurotsuchi, and Darui. I know in Naruto Gaiden, Naruto is already Hokage at this point, but for convenience, I did not make him Hokage yet. Moreover, on the day of Naruto's inauguration as Hokage, we know two things, 1) Himawari can already walk smoothly, 2) Even she can perform Jyuuken very well to disable an adult man, which means she has received certain training. Both of these, of course, are impossible for a one-year-old child to do. I think Naruto is present at the Gokage Summit because he has started the transition from field missions to his "apprenticeship" as Hokage. Furthermore, considering Himawari's young age, this is another reason why Sasuke refused Naruto to accompany him in the investigation for years.

During these 10 years, the Mizukage, Raikage, and Tsuchikage changed. I like to think that the order of the change is Tsuchikage first, considering Onoi was already very old. Kurotsuchi became Tsuchikage at the age of 25 in late autumn 088. In the wiki, it is listed that Kurotsuchi was born on September 6 and was 18 years old when the Fourth Shinobi World War began. I assume she was born on September 6, 063. I will place Chojuro as Mizukage in the same year, because in Year 100, 18-year-old Hoshigaki Shizuma had some personal grudge against Chojuro regarding his clan's bloody history. In the Fourth Shinobi World War, Chojuro was 19 years old and had his birthday on November 1. This means that he was actually almost 20 years old at that time, which places his birth date on November 1, 061. If Chojuro replaced Mei at the end of 088 at the age of 27, then Shizuma would be 6 years old, the age of entering the Academy and realizing how different the world is outside of his clan. I think Darui became Raikage shortly after that. He was 26 years old in the Fourth Shinobi World War and was born on January 6, so my assumption is that he was born on January 6, 055.

Ages: Naruto, Sasuke (27), Sakura (26), Kakashi (41), Gaara (27), Himawari (1), Boruto, Sarada (3), Chojuro (31), Darui (38), Kurotsuchi (29).

May 093 - Sasuke departs to investigate Kaguya. There is no reason why I chose May, except that I wanted Sasuke to at least attend Sarada's fourth birthday before leaving. According to Google search results, a 4-year-old child already starts to have long-term memory, but Sarada is really just a little over 4 years old, so I made it as a reason why her memory of Sasuke is so vague (in the ending of the arc, we can see Sarada remembers hugging someone and remembers her parents holding her hand when she was young).

Ages: Sasuke, Sakura (27), Sarada (4)

December 094 - Epilogue of Naruto: The Last, which shows young Boruto and Himawari playing in the snow with only six Hokage faces carved. Hinata already has short hair. I like to think they just moved into that house at the time.

Ages: Boruto (5), Himawari (3), Naruto (29), Hinata (28/29)

Early 095 - Sarada is sick and asks about Sasuke. Sasuke has been gone for almost two years now and has not had direct contact with his daughter. I think it's understandable that Sarada is starting to forget him.

Ages: Sarada (5), Sakura (29)

April 1, 095 - Next Generation children enter the Academy. I can't believe the ambiguity of age and appearance in the Boruto anime. If we go by the original timeline where Hinata gave birth to Boruto at age 20, 3 years after the war, that means Boruto would be 7 years old when he enters the Academy, with Naruto apparently having been Hokage for several years (because Boruto causes trouble by crashing the train, clearly to make his father angry), as Iwabe says they fought 10 years ago. But, Boruto looks older than his appearance in chapter 700, where he might be around 8 or 9 years old. However, considering this is very difficult for my brain to make sense of, I have Boruto and his friends enter the Academy at the normal age of 6 like elementary school children. Clearly, the events of Boruto Episode 1 do not happen yet here.

Ages: Boruto, Sarada, Inojin, Shikadai, Chocho, Metal, Sumire, Wasabi, Namida, etc. (6; 1st grade in Academy)

June 03, 096 - Naruto becomes Hokage, replacing Kakashi, but Himawari knocks him out with Jyuuken so Konohamaru has to take over in the ceremonial event.

Ages: Naruto, Hinata, Sakura, Sasuke (30), Kakashi (44), Boruto, Sarada, Shikadai, Inojin, Chocho (7; 2nd grade in Academy), Konohamaru (26), Himawari (4, turning 5 the next day)

Considering that Hinata and Neji began training at the age of 4, honestly, I think even in a peaceful world, it's not impossible for Boruto and Himawari to start Jyuuken training at the same age because of Hiashi's wish, although Hinata and Naruto would clearly keep the training from being too intense.

November 097 - Chapter 700, Konoha Shinden, First Gokage Summit not in Iron Country. I know Konoha Shinden was supposed to start with chapter 700 during the preparation of the Gokage Summit in Konoha and ended at the same time with Naruto Gaiden. However, the timing of its ending is what makes me think it doesn't make sense. Sarada is 11 years old in Naruto Gaiden and about 8-9 years old in chapter 700. It makes more sense to follow the earlier age in chapter 700. Currently, it has been almost one and a half years since Naruto became Hokage and Boruto's resentment has already started to form. This is a sufficient amount of time to build Boruto's dislike towards his father's new responsibilities, but still close enough for Kakashi to not want to take a vacation because he believes he needs to be there to advise Naruto.

I believe Boruto vandalizing the Hokage statue in chapter 700 is the first time he does it. Of course, there is a time hole where Hinata suddenly has long hair again. If Boruto is almost 9 years old, then Himawari should be 6 years old, but she has her 6th birthday after April 1 of that year, which means she will enter the academy in the following school year (three grades lower than Boruto).

Ages: Naruto, Sasuke, Tenten, Ino, Sai, Shikamaru, Chouji, Karui (32), Hinata, Sakura (31), Boruto, Sarada, Inojin (8; 3th grade in Academy), Shikadai, Chocho (9; 3th grade in Academy), Himawari (6), Kakashi, Gai (46), Mirai (15/16), Temari (35), Gaara (31), Kankurou (33), Darui (42), Kurotsuchi (34), Chojuro (36), Kurenai (48)

December 097 - Himawari (already 6) participates in a ninja trial session or Boruto Episode 154. I believe Himawari is only two years younger than Boruto, not five as commonly thought. While it may not be entirely unreasonable for Hinata and Naruto to allow their child to pursue a non-ninja career, it does not mean they fully support it, considering they belong to a generation that considers ninja as the only respectable career option. I don't think Hinata would train her children in Jyuuken if she didn't want them to become ninja. Despite her appreciation for peace and modernization, her upbringing would not allow her to completely give up the ninja path for her children. Also, I don't believe Hiashi is portrayed as a very soft and indulgent grandfather and father; he may spoil Boruto and Himawari, but he still has some tough sides that won't disappear for his family. Furthermore, the First and Second Shinobi World Wars were separated by twenty years. December 096 is about fifteen years after the Fourth Shinobi World War, and I'm not sure if the shinobi have completely let their guard down. They should know the importance of history and the vulnerability of peace.

It also doesn't make sense that in the original timeline, the children in Himawari's trial class only find out she is the Hokage's daughter while Naruto has been Hokage for about five years or more. I'm pretty sure the Hokage is equivalent to a president, and I don't believe there is no news about who Naruto's wife and children are. However, Boruto is famous as the Hokage's son, although this may be because of his mischief. I think Boruto's mischief is hot gossip material in Konoha's magazines at the time.

April 1, 098 - Himawari (6, almost 7) enters the Academy in 1st grade. Boruto and co. are currently 9 years old and in 4th grade. Although Boruto and Himawari only apart for 2 years and 2 months, they are 3 grades apart in Academy.

April 1, 099 - Boruto Episode 1. Boruto meets and befriends Denki, causing significant damage by crashing a train. He receives two weeks of detention.

Age: Boruto, Sarada, Inojin, Shikadai, Chocho, Metal, Sumire, Wasabi, Namida, etc. (10; 5th grade)

April 15, 099 - Boruto Episode 2. Boruto meets Iwabee and fights him. Given that this is the fourth year of the children's time in the Academy, I think it's time for them to become "more serious" in terms of physical and mental abilities, explaining why Iwabee needed repeat a grade twice.

Age: Boruto, Sarada, Inojin, Shikadai, Chocho, Metal, Sumire, Wasabi, Namida, etc. (10), Iwabee (12)

Early April 0100 - Mitsuki's transfer and Naruto Gaiden. Sarada meets Sasuke again after many years and manages to activate her Sharingan. Sasuke comes home briefly before continuing his journey.

I know this should have taken place a week before the graduation exam and should have happened in late March 101 (where Sarada is almost 12 years old), but I want to place it in the previous year so that the Nue incident and School Trip can be in the next academic year. Additionally, I want to give Sarada and Sasuke some time to bond while he's still around. Therefore, the exam referred to here is a kind of qualification exam for the final level held at the beginning of the new academic year.

I know Mitsuki's transfer was supposed to coincide with the Nue incident because Shino threw a welcome party for him, but I just want Mitsuki to learn to make friends with other children before jumping into action. He is “born” at 25 July 88, the oldest in the Next Generation group after Iwabee, who is technically their senior.

I know this event should have been placed right after Episode 2, but I prefer to have the 11-year-old kids who are already at the end of the Academy face danger. Sumire was almost expelled from the Academy. Boruto thought he activated the Byakugan, but he didn't.

July 100 - School Trip Arc. Shizuma and his friends almost carried out a coup.

Ages: Boruto and co. (11, except Mitsuki; 6th grade), Himawari (9; 3rd grade), Kagura (14), Chojuro (38), Shizuma (18)

March 28, 101 – In Boruto Episode 50, Naruto couldn't come to Boruto's birthday party attended by Mitsuki, Sakura, and Sarada. Boruto asked Naruto not to miss Himawari's birthday.

Actually, it doesn't make sense in terms of the timeline because this should have been Boruto's birthday when he became a genin, but he became a genin at the age of 12. So this should refer to his 13th birthday, but that would make him 13 during the chuunin exam, which contradicts what was revealed in Boruto the Movie.

Late March 101 – the Graduation Exams Arc and Naruto Shinden (novel). I like to think that Sasuke, feeling guilty, purposely returned briefly for Sarada's graduation. Since this happens before the chuunin exam and Naruto, in general, is still a terrible father and husband, this explains why Hanabi asked Hinata to come back to the Hyuuga Compound and said Naruto broke their marriage vows due to neglect. I'm not Japanese, but I live in Southeast Asia, and if your sibling asks you and your kids to come back to your parents' house because of your spouse, it's clearly a red danger flag for your marriage.

April 1, 101 – the genin teams were formed. Boruto, Sarada, and Mitsuki became Team 7 after some disagrements and objections.

April-May 101 - Genin Mission Arc and Byakuga Gang Arc.

Age: Team 7 (12 years old)

June 03, 101 - Boruto Episode 52, Himawari's 10th birthday (she is in 4th grade). Boruto is angry with Naruto for sending a Kagebunshin to Himawari's birthday and meets Sasuke for the first time (since he was a toddler). Boruto begs Konohamaru to teach him how to make a Rasengan.

June 101 - Versus Momoshiki Arc, Boruto chapter 2 to 10, and Boruto The Movie. Boruto gets Karma and accidentally becomes Momoshiki's vessel.

July 101 - The Chouchou Arc and Sasuke Shinden: Teacher and Star Pupil happen during this break.

August 101 - Mitsuki’s Disappearance Arc and Jugo Arc. Honestly, there is no reason to place both arcs in August other than I think it fits the timeline. After these two events, Sumire decides to become a member of the Scientific Ninja Weapons Team and is replaced by Tsubaki Kurogane.

Late August 101 - Boruto Episode 104, 105, 112, and 113. Mitsuki finds Mikazuki and keeps him as his cat, then visits Otogakure. Shikamaru urges Naruto to choose who is worthy to become a Chunin from the Genin in the exam that was disrupted by the Otsutsuki attack. Finally, Shikadai (12) is promoted.

I combined these events because they are counted as filler, but they are quite relevant. Boruto Episode 106-111 is the Steam Ninja Scrolls Arc, which is an adaptation of Konoha Shinden and in this timeline, has already happened.

Second week of September 101 - One Tail Escort Arc and Time Slip Arc. I put it in the second week so the children can rest from their bombastic missions. I consider Konohamaru's Love Story to be an unimportant arc, so I didn't include it in the timeline.

Ages: Team 7 and InoShikaCho New Generation are all 12 years old, except Mitsuki and Chouchou. Shinki and his team will also be around 12 and 13 years old, depending on when they were born.

Mid-October 101 - Mujina Bandits Arc and Shikamaru Shinden. Another Gokage Summit happens in Konoha. There is also a Daimyo Summit. Shikamaru and Temari's (fourteenth) wedding anniversary occurs just before this, which is in line with the Blank Period timeline that I have created.

Age: Shikamaru, Naruto (36), Temari (39), Gaara (35), Inojin, Boruto, Sarada (12), Shikadai, Mitsuki, Chouchou (13)

Mid-January 102 - First half of the Kara Actuation Arc. Boruto and Sarada have to be hospitalized due to severe injuries fighting Deepa, and Mitsuki receives treatment in Otogakure. There is no reason why I placed a gap, only for the convenience of the timeline and character development.

Age: Boruto, Sarada (12), Mitsuki (13), Konohamaru (32), Naruto (36)

Early February 102 - Second half of the Kara Actuation Arc. Team 7 successfully defeats Deepa and Sarada awakens her second Sharingan tomoe.

Age: Boruto, Sarada (12), Mitsuki (13), Konohamaru (32), Naruto (36)

April 102 - Naruto Retsuden, Sasuke Retsuden, and Kakashi Retsuden were released. Placing the Retsuden series in April means that the "strange" illness of Naruto took place since July, after the chuunin exam was finished. It makes sense, I think.

Age: Sasuke, Sakura, Naruto (36), Boruto, Sarada (13), Kakashi (50), Iruka (46)

Mid-May 102 - Ao Arc. Ao sacrificed himself to save Boruto from Kashin Koji and Mugino, Konohamaru's friend who was with Team 7 in the Mujina Bandits Arc, died, so that the others could escape. Boruto continued to take care of Mugino's turtle in order to keep his promise. At the end of the arc, Team 7 found Kawaki.

I'm actually not sure how old Kawaki is because his age or birthdate is not mentioned in the Naruto wiki (which is more comprehensive than the Boruto wiki), only his height. But from other sources, we know that Kawaki is 14 years old and was born on September 29. This puts him born in the year 87, so when he was found, he was 14.5 years old.

Age: Boruto, Sarada, Mitsuki (13), Kawaki (14)

May 15, 102 - Kawaki Arc begins. Kawaki is taken to a facility owned by Katasuke, Sumire's boss, in Ryutan, on the outskirts of Konoha. He tries to escape and fights Sumire and Nue. After struggling to escape, Kawaki is taken to the hospital and Naruto personally assures him that he is safe. Shikamaru wants to detain Kawaki, but Naruto refuses, saying that he would have been imprisoned too as a jinchuriki if it weren't for Sandaime. A week later, on May 22, the Gokage Summit is held to discuss Kawaki and Naruto brings Kawaki to live with him at his home.

I randomly chose May 15th and the one-week gap. One thing I know is that the Gokage Summit certainly requires preparation, not just a spontaneous event. That's why there's a gap.

Age: Boruto, Sarada, Mitsuki, Sumire (13), Kawaki (14), Naruto (36)

Why is Sumire already 13 years old even though we don't know when she was born? This is because I think that to enter a certain academy year, students must be 6 years old before the new academic year starts on April 1st. So, for normal students in Boruto and Sarada's year (entering on April 1st, 095 - graduating on March 31st, 101), they must be born between April 2nd, 088 and March 31st, 089. Sarada is the youngest in her year. The oldest of them is Iwabee, who is actually two years older than all of them; born between April 2nd, 086 and March 31st, 087.

May 28, 102 - Naruto shows Kawaki around the village and fights Delta. A few days later, Naruto trains Kawaki in ninjutsu and is constantly reminded by Boruto and Mitsuki not to use his Kama. Sasuke prepares Sarada for Chidori. Kurama "greets" Kawaki.

Age: Boruto, Sarada, Mitsuki, Sumire (13), Kawaki (14), Naruto (36)

May 29, 102 – Kawaki practiced climbing trees with chakra with Naruto. Sarada expressed her past envy to Boruto because having Naruto as a father. Kawaki revealed that Jigen gave him his Kama, just as Momoshiki did for Boruto. Shikamaru and Sai discussed whether Kawaki could be trusted. Sasuke arrived at a coordinate that could only be reached with space-time ninjutsu after being sent to investigate previously, finding evidence that Kaguya Ootsutsuki had come with a companion centuries ago and discovered the Tenth-Tailed Beastsbeing held captive.

Possibly the next day or a few days later – Boruto Episode 204. Kawaki searched for the vase fragment he had broken earlier. Jigen ambushed Naruto's home, taking Naruto to another dimension with him. Sasuke followed them. As they both fought Jigen, they became increasingly cornered. Naruto created a kagebunshin and told Sasuke to escape. With his Rinnegan, Sasuke escaped and was found fatally wounded by Sakura. Kawaki and Boruto opened a portal to where Naruto was and went with Mitsuki and Sarada. The four of them fought Boro and Sarada successfully performed Chidori for the first time, destroying Boro's regeneration tool. As the four of them planned to return, Boro went berserk and paralyzed Kawaki and Sarada. Boruto entered the "manifestation" phase, where a horn grew on the side of his head and Momoshiki spoke from his mouth, then killed Boro with Rasengan.

A few days later – Kawaki had a nightmare and accompanied Himawari to bury Jaggy, a wolf she had been visiting frequently in the past week.

The second or third week of June 102 – Boruto Episode 211-220. Kashin Koji infiltrated Konoha. Amado came to Konoha and put a bomb collar on Shikadai's neck so Naruto would listen to him. Isshiki attacked Konoha and Konoha prepared for evacuation. Sarada had not yet recovered from the last fight, so she couldn't help. Boruto used his Kama to take him, Isshiki, Naruto, and Sasuke to another dimension so they could fight without endangering the village.

Naruto and Sasuke struggled to fight Isshiki and were trapped. Boruto tried to help, but his wrist was stepped on by Isshiki. Naruto activated the Baryon Mode. Isshiki realized that Kawaki and Naruto shared chakra through Kawaki's prosthetic hand and "pulled" Kawaki into that dimension through a rift. When Boruto passed out and Sasuke and Naruto were trapped, Kawaki managed to defeat Isshiki. Momoshiki returned and manifested, stabbing Sasuke's Rinnegan, but Boruto awakened himself by breaking his horn. Naruto passed out and bid farewell to Kurama, where Kurama "died" as a sacrifice for activating Baryon Mode. When Naruto woke up, Boruto was almost crying and holding his hand because he thought he had died.

Boruto failed to create a rift to return to Konoha and Sasuke was unable to transport them due to losing his Rinnegan. After Kawaki convinced Boruto he would help him get rid of his Kama, Boruto managed to bring them home right above the Hokage building's rooftop. Sarada didn't blame Boruto upon learning he was the reason Sasuke's eye was blind. Naruto and Sasuke were examined, then Sakura and Katasuke discussed what losing Kurama and Rinnegan meant for both of them. Boruto and Kawaki received confirmation that 80% of themselves is Otsutsuki, which is why the members of Kara pursued them; to be sacrificed to revive the Divine Tree. Amado told Shikamaru and Sai about the only remaining Inner of Kara, Code.

Several days later - Boruto was interviewed on TV and considered a hero of the village. Mitsuki told Sarada, who was already out of hospital, about Boruto's condition and informed her that because of it, their team couldn't participate in missions. The next day, Boruto remembered when his consciousness was taken over by Momoshiki and Naruto held a teleconference with the Five Kage, where they agreed to find Code. The other Kage doubted Amado's information, but Naruto said they had no other choice. The Kage also asked what Naruto would do if his own son became a threat to Konoha because of his Kama. Gaara emphasized Naruto's condition as no longer a jinchuriki and said quick action should be taken before Momoshiki strikes again.

Several days later - Katasuke told Naruto about Boruto's Kama, which continued to grow. Sarada told Mitsuki that Boruto couldn't sleep because he was afraid Momoshiki would take over his consciousness while sleeping. Sasuke promised Naruto he would take action if Boruto became a threat and he would handle it. Naruto was honest with Boruto about his Kama's condition and comforted him until Boruto fell asleep. Amado offered Naruto a drug that would inhibit Boruto's Kama's growth, claiming Kawaki had received a miniscule dose during his time in Kara, so his Kama's growth wasn't as fast as Boruto's. Naruto accepted it after Amado said he had lost his daughter twelve years ago.

Boruto took the medicine given by Amado. Mitsuki and Sarada wondered when they could take missions again. Amado was accepted into the Scientific Ninja Weapons Team and worked with Sumire.

I consider this to happen about two weeks after the fight with Boro because Sarada was still in the hospital, so the time gap shouldn't be too long. Honestly, it's a busy time for Konoha. A busy day.

Age: Boruto, Sarada, Mitsuki (13), Kawaki (14), Naruto, Sakura, Sasuke, Hinata (36), Himawari (10; 5th grade)

End of July 102 – Chunin Reexamination Arc. The internal chuunin exam was limited to Konoha genin. Five pairs entered the final. Inojin-Hoki, Wasabi-Iwabee, Chocho-Sarada, Tsubaki-Denki, and Boruto-Mitsuki. Boruto and Mitsuki did not attend the final because they helped Himawari and her friends investigate Amado, who met suspicious men on a train. The four promoted to chunin were Hoki, Wasabi, Sarada, and Denki. Boruto and Mitsuki fought at night to replace the failed final they didn't get to do.

A few days later, Sarada received her chuunin flak jacket. Sasuke comforted her when she was sad about Konohamaru no longer being their captain. The final mission of Team 7 was to rescue Konohamaru and his escorts from Hyogo the Hundred-Faced.

Age: All the children are 13 years old except for Mitsuki, Kawaki (14), Iwabee (14/15), Konohamaru (32)

Mid-August 102 - The Great Sea Battle of Kirigakure Arc.

Age: Boruto, Sarada, Metal, Denki (13), Kawaki, Mitsuki (14), Shizuma (20/21)

Late September 102 - Kawaki & Himawari Academy Arc. Himawari is in her fifth year of the Academy.

Age: Kawaki (14/15, depending on the start date of the arc), Himawari (10).

First weekend of October 102 - Labyrinth Game Arc.

Third week of October 102 - Code's Assault Arc begins.

October 31, 102 - Boruto Episode 290-293. Because Momoshiki took over Boruto's consciousness and started attacking Naruto, Kawaki, obsessed with protecting Naruto and determined to remove Kama from Boruto by any means necessary, killed Boruto. Boruto was revived by Momoshiki and had a new scar on his chest.

Age: Boruto (13), Kawaki (15), Shikamaru, Naruto (37)

Anyway, keep in mind this is a subjective timeline and I made this to fit my own fanfictions, so you can disagree to some dates of events. If you find any wrong in the logic, just tell me!

#naruto timeline #why naruto timeline is very inconsistent #why kishimoto did this #boruto timeline #boruto #naruto #naruto post blank period timeline

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