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metalheadkells · 2 years

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aight i talked abt this on twt but i wanna hear ur thoughts honestly lol

SO! ive always thought that Mainstream Sellout is like, unintentionally authentic. like, he tries to have this deep feel to his music and fails to execute it with a great tonne of emotion, but the fact that he did fail is what makes it more relatable imo. cuz i mean. i Mean as an artist myself i have Felt the Cringe of trying to make Deep Content but then failing cuz my skills arent good enough. and the fact that Kells is out here unintentionally creating that story through the process of the creation, release and feedback of the project makes me go "y know what i like this. art is allowed to exist either way i like it"

like... it reminds me of a 13 yo try hard who wants to do some revolutionary shit but theyre. theyre still 13. and i think its kind of endearing actually especially considering that Kells is pushing 30 cuz like, its as if signalling, "just bcs youre an adult you dont Need to act prim and proper and mature all the time damn." you can say whatever abt Kells but i dont think you can call him a liar or some shit yanno? he is literally living the life in as a severely (over imo) hated artist

TLDR: Mainstream Sellout screams "i am cringe but i am free" and it does so unintentionally by failing to be a great album, except the failure is part of the success. hes kinda not lying when he says hes a mainstream sellout, and i appreciate his honesty

this is a mess im sorry but i need to get this out cuz djsnksms

also this is me impersonally speaking lol. personally i Lowkey have made an emotional attachment to this album and i rock to Emo Girl, Born with Horns and also get emotional during Twin Flame. i think that awoogie boing boing this is a good album cuz *car horns*

thank

trust me, i also think the sheer amount of criticism he gets is excessive. i think his past inarguably ugly controversies combined w/ his 2010-justin-bieber/mid-2000s-nickelback/late-90s-fred-durst tier punchability to several key groups of music fanatics as well as ppl who just enjoy laughing and jeering from the sidelines have resulted in this monstrous distortion of who he is as an artist and a celebrity that - to me - feels pretty hyperbolic when your opinion of him isn't solely informed by gross old soundbites, provocative headlines, and his nu pop punk era PR mishaps. so many artists are not good people, but kells is a not-good person who also currently makes music that many are predisposed to dislike on principle, and markets that music using a persona that arouses Seething Irritation in territorial youths and older folks alike across several different online music communities. i say that not to deflect criticism from him but to explain why i think the Machine Gun Kelly Discourse cocktail is so crazy potent compared to those of some of his also morally dubious contemporaries.

w/ that said, the juvenile POV that people are lambasting in "mainstream sellout" is not new to kells, and i think any adult who is or was a fan of his should be able to recognize that. he has romanticized his own struggles with addiction and mental illness for a long time, and he hopelessly yearns for the posthumous deification that only artists who die young and tortured are awarded (kurt, chester, peep, juice). because, in his mind, maybe that is the only way he'd be as respected as he supposedly deserves to be. maybe then, everyone else would see what he sees when the clouds of discontentment part and there is nothing but pride in his own work and what it represents. i've always found it sad and misguided, but as a Chronically Mentally Unwell person myself i can unfortunately relate to some degree. i have no idea what my creative voice would sound like without the pain that created it in the first place, and i lowkey worry i would lose it entirely if i eventually managed to get better. i suspect kells, who has spoken at length in the past abt feeling like he needs to be miserable to create, hasn't evolved past that mindset either.

i've spoken before about why i believe i connected w/ Tickets so profoundly in 2020 and why i had been a fan of his work before that album dropped, so from this point i'll go straight into why "mainstream sellout" does very little for me in comparison. one key issue is that, taken as a whole, it doesn’t feel authentic to me in the way that Tickets did. there was no way for kells to know before he released TTMD that it would blow up like it did. he was making it because he wanted to. he was processing very fresh and very real feelings about major life events (his dad, for example) during lonely early-pandemic studio sessions. this was not an album that people were asking him for at the time. with mainstream sellout, on the other hand, there was a precedent. he needed it to be as successful as (if not more successful than) TTMD, so it’s like he was trying to reverse-engineer the appeal of that project, with limited success imo.

i don’t think certain factors that contributed to the success of TTMD can be replicated, because i believe they had to do with the state of the world at the time - but even if we set that aside, i just don’t think kells sounds “free” on mainstream sellout. he sounds like he’s trying to haphazardly balance everyone else’s expectations on top of his own desire to be unexpected, within a genre that has rigid restrictions for All Ye Who Enter Here. most of the songs ring hollow to me as a result - nothing for me to really chew on underneath the ornamental bluster on top with the exception of a couple of tracks. there are definitely some catchy hooks in here, and definitely a sprinkling of songs that made me go “fuck it, I’ll add this to my pop playlist,” but there is little to remind me of the MGK that i felt connected to once upon a time. i got more of that from his Billboard video interview than from the actual album.

i’ve mentioned this in passing, but i also find the title to be a disingenuous (and unsuccessful) last-minute attempt to assert his self-awareness to the public. he is not a mainstream sellout, because he was not “selling out” by switching over from rap to this style of music. he had been a mainstream artist before TTMD. he already had a sizable and dedicated audience to sell his new image to, even without the percentage of his OG fans who seem to desperately want him to return to his roots. “ironic” album names that might have suited his predicament better: -POSER!!! (all caps + exclamation marks necessary) -fake punk -cancelled (yes, like tana mongeau’s podcast) -ex rapper -eminem made me switch genres and all i got was this stupid album

and i was a fan, so i know very well that he always had an interest in various subgenres of rock music. that doesn’t mean that the people questioning his punk cred are totally off the mark. if he doesn’t want people to do that, he needs to avoid sweeping statements about his impact on “guitar music” and he needs to avoid labelling himself. i mean, if you write a song as ill-judged as “sid & nancy” at the same time that you’re boldly asserting that you know your history, people are gonna have shit to say about it.

final thing i will say is that your personal feelings about the album are completely valid, regardless of mine! i know it can feel weird and bad to like something that so many ppl are publicly shitting on, but if you like it you fucking like it!! for the record, i also enjoy “born with horns” and i can see the emotional appeal of “twin flame” even if the latter did not hit me the same way that “play this when i’m gone” did the night that TTMD came out.

#asks!#cupperskates #critical posting #music posting #kells #considered putting this in his tag just to offset the boring petty-insult-focused reviews #but i would like to be left alone so nvm #suicide implied c.f.hj/#this is so long and i could go on for longer. self-editing fail #mainstream sellout

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shitty-marvel-fan732 · 5 years

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Boyfriend?

Author’s Note:

Hello my friends! This is my first ever Loki x Reader oneshot, so I hope I didn’t do too poorly! This fic was beta-read by the wonderful @twentytwohearts!

If you end up liking this fic, let me know with a comment or reblog! I am taking requests for Loki as well as several other marvel characters, and if this fic inspires you, feel free to send one in!

Summary: Y/N and Loki have been getting closer for several weeks, but he’s still very ambivalent about their relationship status. Toss in a Stark party and an over eager fan and what will happen?

IDEK y’all, I’m shit at summaries. Just…read it lol.

“Mmmmm,” I hummed non-committedly as some older man in a suit more expensive than my entire life was worth continued rambling on next to me. I shifted uncomfortably in the ridiculous heels that Wanda had insisted I wear tonight, mentally groaning at the way they pinched my toes. I could already feel the blisters forming over the calloused soles of my aching feet.

I was stuck at one of Tony’s famous parties, forced into a dress and heels by an overly zealous Sokovian, and hating every second. To add insult to my injury, I’d been caged into a conversation with one of the most boring, awkward men I’d ever met in my life. I couldn’t be sure exactly how long it’d been, but I did know it had been too long. I’d been subjected to literal torture, on multiple occasions, and even so I was sure this was worse.

He seemed innocuous enough at first – albeit very awkward. He was thin and tall, with a slightly receding hairline and an air of a man that made more money than I could possibly fathom. As soon as I unintentionally made eye contact with him from across the crowded room, his face lit up like a Christmas tree. He immediately made a beeline over to me with all the excitement and grace of an overexcited labrador puppy. He’d launched into conversation instantly, chatting eagerly about my abilities and past as if he had lived it himself. It was more than a bit creepy really how many details he knew about me and my life.

At first, I was polite – smiling and nodding along with him as he animatedly spoke, all the while internally wishing to be literally anywhere else. I supplied as little as possible to our little chat, desperately hoping he would run out of steam and leave. But after what felt like hours, it was clear he wasn’t going to take the hint. I finally determined it’d been long enough, so I tried to gracefully leave the conversation.

Unfortunately, all my attempts fell on deaf ears. Though I was certain any sane person would’ve understood how uncomfortable I was based solely on body language, the eager man was evidently unaware of my obvious attempts to end our interaction, verbal or otherwise. He was either the most socially inept dude to have ever lived or the most persistent fan I’d ever encountered. Personally, I was beginning to think it was a bit of both, but regardless I was more than ready to leave politeness behind and tell him point-blank to fuck off. If it hadn’t been for Tony’s lecture beforehand about not doing exactly that, I probably would have done it already.

Eyes scanning the room, I desperately looked for a way out of the encounter. After a few seconds my eyes fell upon Steve’s sympathetic gaze.

Cap and I had known each other for a long time, and he knew as well as I did that if I didn’t find a socially acceptable way out soon that I’d resort to less than polite tactics to remove this dude from my side. He nodded once at me in understanding, before excusing himself from his own conversation and disappearing into the crowd.

“So, I don’t know if I’d mentioned it or not yet, but you look really really good tonight,” the red-faced man standing next to me said loudly, pulling my attention away from Cap. Though internally I was screaming, I simply shot him a polite thin-lipped smile.

“You did. Thank you once again,“ I replied shortly. He had, in fact, mentioned this multiple times tonight, and I was beginning to feel my patience run dangerously thin. He was evidently not fazed by my facial expression nor the irritated tone of my voice, and only smiled wider at my response.

Fortunately for me, his next comment was cut off by the sudden presence of another body pressed to my back. At first I tensed, unsure of the contact, but felt myself relax as I recognized the familiar feel of leather armor-clad arms wrapping themselves securely around my waist.

“I’ll never understand how you mortals can have spoken a language your entire lives and still not have an adequate grasp over its use,” Loki interrupted smoothly, breath fanning my ear as he spoke. I had to bite down on my lower lip to keep from laughing at the look on the poor man’s face as he realized who was standing behind me.

” I– uhm. I’m sorry, what?“ the man stuttered out, confusion and fear overtaking his features.

“Good. You said my dearest Y/N looked ‘really good’ tonight,” came Loki’s smooth reply. “Now, perhaps there is some kind of midgardian norm that I am unaware of, or maybe you have some sort of deficiency that’s affecting your eyesight? Nevertheless, I would feel remiss if I did not mention how many different adjectives there are to describe Y/N at this moment: radiant, elegant, sublime, exquisite, just to name a few among the many there are. Hundreds more I’d wager, but of all the words in the dictionary you chose ‘good’? Hm.”

The man’s face visibly paled as the Prince spoke, and I could feel the irritation and possessiveness seeping from his body with each word he spoke. His body tensed against my back and I could instantly tell that he was growing angry and impatient with the man before us. My hands came to rest over the tops of his; I began gently rubbing soft circles into his flesh in an effort to soothe him. Though I secretly adored the praise and affirmation of his feelings, I’d promised Tony not to cause a scene, and I was certain that promise extended to Loki as well. I’d spent the better part of my evening desperately trying to be good, and I’d be damned if I was going to let all that effort go to waste simply because a certain dark-haired Asgardian couldn’t control his temper. Thankfully, I felt the tall god lean slightly into my touch, his tense form relaxing gradually.

“I’m so sorry…I had no — I didn’t know that he was your…that you were his…” the man floundered and I began to feel a twinge of pity for his clear distress.

“Boyfriend?” I supplied with a small chuckle. The man nodded frantically, however his reaction was overshadowed by the Asgardian behind me. I felt Loki tense in response to my words, and I turned my head to see his beautiful face distorted into a grimace.

Of course.

I’d been so thankful for his presence I’d clearly forgotten about his seeming discomfort with the label. Loki clearly despised the term, and never failed to make his feelings known.Though in the past months I’d grown exceptionally close to the god of mischief, he and I had never truly spoken about our 'relationship’.

Much to Loki’s discomfort, I often referred to him as my boyfriend. In turn he referred to me as “dear Y/N,” “my pet,” “love,” or something of the like. Though it didn’t bother me at first, I was beginning to feel very insecure at his seeming inability to label our relationship. Each time the word was brought up he always reacted just as he was now: visibly uncomfortable and dismayed.

With every scowl, every look of disgust I felt a tiny pang in my heart that was only growing larger with each instance. Tonight was no exception, and I felt my face physically drop in response to his reaction. My palms began uncomfortably sweating, and I detangled myself from his arms as nonchalantly as possible. My thoughts were clouded with a haze of disappointment. The room began to feel too busy – the voices all seeming to scream directly into my ear and the air thick and suffocating.

Suddenly feeling ill, I muttered an excuse and began to walk away from the two. No longer caring about how I was seen, I walked quickly through the crowd of people and out into the hallway. I braced myself against the wall as I stopped for a moment to catch my breath. My head was spinning with disjointed thoughts as I took deep breaths of the cool air. I pulled the God-forsaken heels from my feet roughly, desperate to give myself some degree of comfort as I slowly came back to reality. I leaned my head against the wall in exhaustion – my mind practically screaming taunts of embarrassment and shame.

When Thor had first arrived unannounced to the tower with the trickster in tow, the team and I had been largely skeptical. However, in time Loki proved himself to have indeed been “rehabilitated,” and after a while Steve and Tony had allowed him to start going on missions with the team. Slowly but surely the two of us began to bond; at first it was over his fascination with my abilities and our mutual love of literature, but as the weeks went by I found myself developing feelings I didn’t quite understand for the lanky god. To my extreme surprise, I began to feel that my affections were reciprocated. The last few weeks had been wonderful– the two of us had fallen into a natural rhythm of spending time together, both on missions and otherwise.

Reflecting back on our time spent together, I felt the tiny pang of insecurity grow larger in my chest, filling me with feelings of shame and embarrassment. Clearly, Loki didn’t feel the same about our relationship as I did, if it could even be classified as such. And why should he? He was a Prince – a literal god – and I was just a lowly mortal. I was a fool. A pitiful, lovestruck girl that fell for someone who would never love her the same. It was depressing really. I chuckled humorlessly as I realized how sappy and teen-novelesque my situation had become.

“Love?” his voice drifted into my ears, effectively pulling me out of my thoughts for the moment. I kept my head hung low and eyes trained on the floor. The knots in my stomach tightened their grip at the usually welcomed sound of his voice. My mind only raced faster as he approached me and my heart beat wildly out of control.

I felt familiar, soft fingers hook their way under my chin as Loki gently lifted my face to meet his. His expression was one of irritation – likely lingering from the interaction with that insufferable businessman – but his green-blue eyes swam with a much gentler sort of feeling. Though he rarely showed true emotion on his face, his eyes were a different story. Impossibly deep and full of secrets, they always betrayed his true feelings. I’d become close enough to the lanky god in the past weeks that I was able to decipher those emotions with stunning accuracy. Currently, his eyes exuded feelings of concern and affection.

“Are you alright?” he questioned gently. I exhaled lightly.

“I’m fine.” I muttered, eyes turning downwards once more. Loki’s eyes sparkled with slight amusement as one of his brows quirked upwards.

“So bold of you my dear, to attempt to withhold the truth from the god of lies,” he teased, lips curling into a lopsided smirk.

All the feelings of embarrassment and shame abruptly shifted within me at the sight of his smug face. Internally, my overwhelming sadness was turning to anger and resentment quicker than I could control.

“I’m not lying!“ I snapped, brows furrowing and body practically jumping away from his. His expression morphed from amused to concerned instantly, forehead crinkling in confusion.

“Is this about that infuriating man back there?” he questioned, confusion and worry evident in his tone. “If so, please don’t trouble yourself any longer over the matter. I think I’ve made it perfectly cle–”

“He was sweet Loki,” I grumbled stubbornly, cutting him off. Although I had absolutely no desire to return to a conversation with him, the man was clearly well-intentioned. I’d actually forgotten all about him – but I couldn’t stand to hear Loki make some excuse for my poor mood.

He recoiled slightly at my display of irritation, surprised. I’d never interrupted him before and it was obvious he was even more perplexed than before with the unexpected outburst. Never one to show weakness, his face abruptly shifted to his typical expressionless mask.

“Sweet? You didn’t seem to think so whilst he was harassing you before, now did you?” he questioned cooly. “I know your face well enough by now, dearest Y/N, and your eyes were practically screaming for assistance.”

I scoffed, arms coming to rest petulantly across my chest.

“Well if you know me as well as you claim, then by all means you should have no problem understanding why I’m upset,” I huffed, hoping he took the bait and simply asked why I was upset. Instead, I was infuriated as I watched a sly grin make its way across his handsome features.

“But I thought you weren’t upset sweetling?” he grinned. He looked extremely proud of himself – clearly ecstatic to have coerced me into admitting that I’d lied, even though he’d known so since the start.

Ordinarily I adored his intelligence – delighting in hearing the inner workings of his mind – but right now his display of wit combined with the smug expression he was sporting made my fists tingle with the urge to punch him straight in the face. I could feel my face burn red with anger at the sly remark and my eyes narrowed into near slits.

“Oh, shut up Loki,” I snapped. “Clearly, we both know I’m pissed."

"Then by all means, please enlighten me, because I evidently don’t understand,” he taunted. Though his words were laced with his trademarked contempt, I could see the twinge of concern still evident in his eyes. The small indication that he seemed to care about me caused all the feelings of sadness and insecurity to bubble back up to the surface. I sighed, taking a breath to steady myself before deciding to just dive right into what was sure to be an extremely awkward conversation.

“I don’t understand you! Or – I guess – I don’t understand us. What we are. I mean, are you ashamed of me because I’m not from Asgard or something? Or do you just not feel the same way I do? Oh god, I’ve completely misinterpreted everything haven’t I? I’m so stupid, I–” I babbled quickly, words slurring together with speed and face flushing.

Loki’s soft hands came to rest on my arms, effectively cutting off my panicked ramblings. His facial expression was a strange mix of pity, fear, and confusion that I’d never seen before. I felt tears begin to prick the corners of my eyes and a burning sensation overwhelmed my sinuses. I cast my eyes downward once more, suddenly filled with self-pity and feeling extremely exposed. Loki was having none of that – his gentle fingers came to rest under my chin, pulling my face back up to meet his gaze once more.

“Why in all the nine realms would you think I don’t feel the same?” he mused softly, brows dipping lower with concern and fingers gently caressing my face. “Have I not made my affections clear?”

“Well, you tell me, Loki. When we’re alone I think I know where we stand, but then there are incidents like tonight that make me think differently. I mean, you visibly cringe when I refer to you as my boyfriend…" I started, frown deepening at his visible recoil at the term. “See! Just like that, what is that? Do you not consider us together? Are we not, oh god, I dunno exclusive?”

Loki sighed, removing his hands from my face and rubbing his face tiredly. He looked like a parent exasperated with their child. Though I was pretty sure that wasn’t his intention, the small action reignited the spark of anger and resentment I’d felt before, and the overwhelming urge to punch him in his stupid handsome face returned abruptly.

“You know what, whatever. I don’t care what you refer to me as anymore Loki. Better yet, just don’t refer to me at all,“ I spat, turning angrily on my heel and stomping away.

I didn’t make it more than a few steps before I felt a hand on my bicep and I was twirled back around. Suddenly I was chest to chest with an extremely pissed off looking god. Never one to back down from confrontation, I glared definantly into his face. His eyes were almost eerie, a stormy mix of blue and green that reminded me of a sea just before a hurricane. His expression was nearly unreadable as his face searched mine – mouth set in a thin line and dark brows furrowed in anger.

“You truly think so little of me and of yourself that you assume that I am embarrassed by you?” he practically seethed. “Darling, I could never and will never be embarrassed by your presence in my life. Do not mistake my reluctance to use trivial, midgardian terms as a reluctance to share my infatuation with you.”

My eyebrows wrinkled in confusion, silently urging him to continue since I clearly was not understanding what he was getting at. He exhaled loudly, hand leaving my arm to run through his inky locks in another show of exasperation.

“I don’t understand,” I muttered, still hoping to prompt him into further explanation. His eyes seemed to soften marginally as they swept over my face. I was beginning to feel nearly uncomfortable under the god’s heavy gaze, but (as was usually the case) I also felt the all too familiar feelings of butterflies in my lower belly that only Loki’s attention seemed to stir. After an immeasurable length of time, he sighed once more, soft fingers parting from his sides to come to rest on my body. One of his hands reached down to latch onto the curve of my waist firmly. He pulled our chests flush with one another gently. The other fluttered delicately to the side of my face, thumb rubbing small circles into the soft flesh. My own palms came to rest across the smooth planes of his armor-clad chest – an action my body took without having to consult with my mind first.

“Dearest, I think I should first apologize for the way my actions have made you feel,” he started gently, voice low in tone and volume and words practically dripping with affection and remorse as he looked down at me. “Never in all the time I’ve spent with you have I noticed any signs of your discomfort; if I had, we would’ve had this discussion much sooner.”

I swallowed thickly, unsure of where he was going with this. Though I wanted him to get on with it and just tell me how he felt, part of me wished I’d never brought the subject up to begin with. Feelings of indecision and doubt made their home in the pit of my stomach as I waited impatiently for him to continue.

“As you know I often, shall we say, struggle to make sense of the customs and norms here,” he continued. “Though I’ve read vast amounts on the subject, I can’t seem to quite grasp the ‘normal’ way of life here – especially when it comes to your people’s courting traditions.”

I felt my wrinkled brows quirk upwards in surprise, not expecting the conversation to turn this way. My heart hammered so loudly in my chest with anticipation, I was sure he could hear it. If he could, he didn’t let it show. His gaze never wavered from my own – grey-blue eyes swimming with vulnerability as they surveyed my face.

"As you’d probably expect, things are done much differently on Asgard. What you refer to as 'dating’ we call 'courting’, and the expectations and labels wildly differ. We call our partners 'Kærasti’ when speaking of them to others and 'elskan mín' when speaking with one another. Both of which translate loosely to 'my darling loved one’,” he explained softly.

A short intake of breath nearly brought me out of the trance I’d felt like I’d been under the entire time Loki had been speaking. His gentle words and piercing gaze had been almost hypnotic; I’d spent the better part of the last few moments wholly enthralled by the smooth timbre of his voice, savoring the affection he radiated with each word. The words 'elskan mín' filtered its way through my ears into the fog that was . Though still foreign to my ears, I knew I’d heard the phrase before.

“And, if I’m correct, the customary term for partners on this realm is 'boyfriend/girlfriend’?” he questioned gently. I nodded dumbly, still in too much of a daze to properly form words. “Ahh, and you see therein lies my problem. Why should I devalue my feelings for you with such a loose, meaningless term? I much prefer the ones used back home. Terms that are more…descriptive of the state of our partnership.”

I was still moderately struggling to process what was being said, my mind consumed mostly of observations on his voice and eyes. But as I struggled to decipher his words, a realization struck me like a bullet. I suddenly realized where I’d heard the term 'elskan mín' before. It was in another lovestruck trance, memories a million miles away from this dimly lit hallway that my ears had picked up the endearing phrase for the first time.

Spoken in hushed murmurs by the very same god that was explaining the meaning to me now.

Spoken to me.

A blush began to creep its way up my neck at the stark realization, mortification the likes of which I’d never experienced before crashing over me like a tsunami. Whether he truly was a mind reader (I hadn’t ever been truly convinced that he wasn’t) or if my reddened face and sheepish expression had alerted him to my obvious embarrassment, he seemed to understand immediately. The hand that had been softly caressing my hip gave me a small squeeze of encouragement. Even with the affectionate gesture, the urge to bury myself as deeply into the floor as possible was still raging in my chest.

“Oh,” I squeaked. His eyes sparkled with amusement and his lip curled into his dazzling smirk.

“I gather, based on your reaction tonight, that you made the incorrect assumption that I was – what – disgusted by the idea of a monogamous relationship?” he asked plainly, getting straight to the point. Once again I nodded silently, my mind still too overworked to speak.

My face was burning with embarrassment, and I buried my head into his chest in a vain effort to hide from his amused gaze. Loki chuckled – the vibrations reverberating through his body and tickling my face. I couldn’t see his expression from my position, but I could picture it perfectly in my mind. The skin around his eyes was very likely crinkled from the size of his smile and his eyes a bright, clear blue lit brightly with a sparkle of amusement. The mental image alone was enough to send happy butterflies swirling around in my stomach, despite the lingering embarrassment. His arms left my sides as he chuckled – one closed itself around my back, pulling me securely against his chest, and the other came to rest on the base of my neck. His long fingers gently entangled themselves in the hair at the base of my head. His cheek found its home on the crown of my head, and I could feel his smooth lips gently place a kiss there. I shivered lightly at the sensation, embarrassment fading a marginal amount at the comforting embrace.

“Well, as thoroughly enjoyable as I find your sheepish state, I think we should clarify things,” he murmured softly against my hair. I hummed in agreement, waiting for him to start.

“My love, I truly am sorry that I ever made you doubt the feelings I have for you,” he whispered, causing yet another blush to break out across my face. “But I hope it’s enough that I tell you now. I am so infatuated with you, my dear Y/N, I do not care to hide that fact from anyone. I would tell anyone the same – especially irritating men like the one you were chatting with tonight. The hesitation you perceived has absolutely nothing to do with my affections for you, nor does it indicate a desire to be free from labels. I simply loathe the overly simplified, descriptionless terms that are the norm on this planet. But if it makes you happy, I’m sure I can –”

“No!” I blurted, cutting his next statement off completely. My head rose from its place nestled in Loki’s strong chest and my hands balled into fists atop the thick armor covering his chest in an effort to gain his attention. My eyes searched his, and based on the surprise and confusion evident in his pale blue irises, I would wager that I looked at least a little crazy in this moment. It wasn’t like me to interrupt him while speaking and this was the second time in mere hours that I’d done so. My neck warmed marginally as I spoke up, the now familiar feelings of embarrassment rising within me once more as I looked upwards at the amused expression on Loki’s handsome face. I shoved the embarrassment back down, steadying myself with a deep breath before I spoke.

“Sorry. I just – I don’t want you to change the way you act around me, at all,” I stammered, confidence deflating slightly as I realized I didn’t actually quite know what I wanted to say. He wrinkled his eyebrows in confusion, eyes roaming across my reddened face in search of answers. “I mean, it’s okay with me, whatever you choose to refer to me as. As long as I’m the only one you refer to.”

His face broke out into the devilish smirk that made my knees go weak. I suddenly had slight trouble standing upright. Luckily for me, his strong arms were still wrapped around my frame, and he had no qualms about holding me tighter in his embrace. He pulled me closer to his body with one arm as his other snaked its way up to the side of my face. Loki’s thumb rubbed gently across my mouth as we gazed at each other, making my head go cloudy with memories of his smooth lips pressed against mine. He leaned down so close to my face that I could feel the warmth across my lips from each breath he took. The feelings of affection and anticipation curled themselves in my belly with such intensity that I almost missed his soft voice as he replied.

“Are you sure elskan mín?” he whispered, tone teeming with an off-character level of uncertainty. Though his voice made him seem unsure his body reacted as it always did when we were alone. His lips were so close to mine now that I could feel them brush teasingly against me with each tender word. I felt my brain short-circuit at the brief touch. Though there was still so much to be said, so much to discuss, I couldn’t handle the irritating distance between us for another second. So I grabbed the sides of his face and pulled his lips down to mine in lieu of a response. My fingers traced aimless patterns across the smooth planes of his sharp jawline as our lips tangled in an all too familiar dance.

Though we’d shared more than our fair share of kisses in the past months, this one felt different somehow. Each place his hands touched felt like they left a trail of fire in their wake and the way his lips moved against mine felt almost possessive. My entire being felt like it was floating on pure air as we kissed, and I felt extreme disappointment when I had to pull back to breathe. Evidently, Loki did not share my need for oxygen, and he continued to place small kisses across my face. Through my labored breathing and the love-filled haze that was clouding my thoughts I was still able to internally swoon at the sweet action. Typically, Loki was just as he appeared to be: calm, self-assured, and reluctant to express his affection, lest he become vulnerable. But it seemed that he wasn’t too concerned with showing his vulnerability at the moment, and the feeling of his soft lips roaming across the skin of my face and neck caused the butterflies in my belly to swarm with glee.

Eventually he slowed his affectionate attack, and his forehead came to rest against mine. We stood like this for an immeasurable amount of time, eyes closed, neither of us speaking a word as the muffled sounds of the party filtered in from the hall. I smiled, elated as my eyes fluttered open and I drank in my favorite sight – Loki, at his most exposed. His eyes were still closed, breathing slightly ragged, a small but genuine smile gracing his thin lips, and the normally creamy skin of his cheeks blotchy with patches of pink. There was no greater feeling in this world than seeing him in such an utterly blissful state and knowing I was somehow lucky enough to have been the cause.

“Yes.” I whispered gently, hesitant to break the peaceful cocoon that we’d encased ourselves in. Loki’s eyelids opened lazily, revealing the pale blue color that I’d come to dream about.

“Yes?” he repeated questioningly. I giggled lightly at the look of slight confusion that painted the handsome god’s features.

“Yes, I’m sure,” I explained patiently. A flash of understanding passed his face at the statement, and his face broke out into yet another knee-buckling smile. He leaned his head down towards mine – no doubt about to capture my lips in a sweet kiss. Though my body was screaming against the movement, I ducked my head backwards to avoid his kiss. His brows furrowed in confusion, the creases on his forehead deepening at the amused giggle that escaped me at the sight.

“I am sure, but can you do me one favor?” I asked innocently. His face remained puzzled as he slowly nodded. His hands resumed their previous ministrations, smoothly running down the length of my body and back as we stood.

“Can you not make a face like you’ve smelled something bad when someone uses the word boyfriend? Cause I don’t care how cute you are, I am never going to be cool with that,” I requested semi-jokingly. Loki merely blinked for a moment, a stunned look on his face as he took in my words. I felt a tingle of insecurity pass through my chest at his reaction, but waited patiently for a response nonetheless.

After what felt like hours, the look of stunned confusion passed his features as his most genuine, face-splitting smile took over. He chuckled as he pulled me closer into his chest – the sound sending waves of relief through me as I snuggled readily into his embrace.

“Duly noted, my love.”

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angelnumber27 · 4 years

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Checking in! I know you've been having a hard time lately with physical and mental health. You don't need to answer this if you don't want to but youre going to be alright. Take care of yourself make sure you're taking meds if you need them. Stay safe okay!!!

Thank you sweet heart! I really appreciate you checking up 💓😇 Im doing much better today :) I finally got some sleep after two days and had a calm and good day 🤍🤍🧚🏻‍♂️💆🏻‍♀️🕊 I made some art, did a study on fungi and their shapes and did a lot of productive things like cleaning up and reading and writing :) my body is extremely sore like everywhere but I don’t mind as long as I’m not in full panic mode constantly. That happens occasionally. I take my meds exactly as prescribed every single day! I know myself and I know how important it is to be consistent with what I am putting in my body because my body is incredibly sensitive to changes, especially chemical ones. Therefore, its not withdrawal from medication, things would be much much MUCH worse if that was the case. I’m talking crying endlessly every waking minute and not being able to stop, calm down or self-soothe and suicidal ideation that I can’t shake, severe brain zaps every 2-5 minutes, feeling hot, nauseous, restless, sometimes I’ll get like muscle aches and spasms, and bad depression as well as all of my severe and unmanageable ocd symptoms immediately flooding back. Those rare times when I accidentally run out of medication or when I’m not able to take it for a few days for whatever reason, make me realize just how much my medication is helping and how much of a difference it makes. I’m like damn I must have felt SO horrible before I was prescribed.. or it’s likely that it wasn’t really that bad before but since my body is now used to receiving the medication every day it becomes that bad when I don’t take it for like 72 hours. Its kind of sad bc I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to stop taking it. Idk about anybody else but honestly I think I would rather take one little pill daily than experience awful constant panic, hysterical crying, deep fear and impending doom. It’s worth it for me. Of course everyone is different and the medication that has been life-changing for me could very well make the next person feel suicidal. Everybody has different brain chemistry and unfortunately it takes some trial and error to find what works for you but I think (depending on the situation ofc) it is worth it to give it a try. So sorry for rambling, that’s just how my mind works lol. I think of one thing and a million other things stem from that. I don’t know if people understand this but when I say I have racing thoughts I mean seriously RACING thoughts. Nonstop, super ‘loud’ and intrusive thoughts bombarding my brain from every angle that are very very difficult to turn off or soothe. Anyway all in all I am doing well and I am staying as safe as possible. I was thinking about it today and honestly considering my situation and everything I have been through, I am doing extremely well and I am incredibly healthy. For somebody in my position, with my trauma, having being stalked and harassed daily for the past four years by somebody who knows about my trauma, the false sense of loneliness, severe depression, panicky tendencies, unbridled stress, negative surroundings, patterns of thinking, memories of abuse and the ways that has taught me to view myself, as well as the various mental illnesses I am constantly combatting, I’m excelling all things considered lol.

If anybody actually read this this far thank you SO much you’re an angel and I appreciate you caring about me and my wellbeing more than you know. I really really hope everybody is having a beautiful day and that you are all in a position in life that is comfortable and safe.

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funeralfire · 3 years

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Do you think bullying people bc they’re weird is ok or... a lot of people perceived as “weird” and “awkward” are ND which makes it worse. so I’m not exactly sure how funny that post* was.

No hate I originally thought it was funny and then I realized it was kinda messed up. Bc a lot of “cringe” things are ND things. And normally ur cool so ye ❤️ - Ki

*post you reblogged a bit a go

hey! thank you for being chill. just a heads up my brain is pretty soupy so if anything doesnt make sense feel free to ask for clarification!

I know exactly what post you're talking about and i even had a moment of "🤔 hmm this might sound bad" when reblogging so like.. i get it.

I think something to note and like part of reason i felt okay reblogging it was because i Know what uquiz its from and its like a "what character are you in a highschool flick (think mean girls/heathers/clueless/the craft/grease)" so i think its important to note that answer was kind of like the regina george or heather chandler response and i IMAGINE was supposed to be satirical or like. the people who get called slurs irl are gunna pick that answer as a joke.

I didn't take it too serious considering the uquiz theme, but making light of slurs is definitely not something good i wont defend that. Im also lgbt and ND so racial slurs werent exactly at the forefront of my mind which is very much bad as well. my first thought was like... slurs that I got called in high school so i can laugh about it now yk?

The main chunk of your ask also focuses on being ND and idk if you follow my sideblog but that Is where most people know me from? but i am uhh very severely mentally ill and nuerodivergent and it absolutely impacted my HS/grade school experience and how i am perceived and like.. i was the weird kid in school man. I (maybe unfortunately?) did learn how to act a little bit more, idk, mainstream in my junior and senior years of highschool specifically to avoid getting shit for being visibly lgbt and ND (very redneck school, i was fr scared of getting my shit rocked for being trans) so maybe my most recent experiences dont perfectly reflect that but like.. i promise you i was ostracised in elementary school for being clearly nuerodivergent lol

So basically my response is i DO get where you're coming from. In reblogging that i was basically making fun of MYSELF for being the weird kid who got called lgbt slurs in grade school and was ostracised for being visibly mentally ill and i primarily hung out with kids who experienced the same as me in grade school. So in reblogging that im not trying to condone anything im just laughing at myself and the treatment i experienced in school and i find it satirical.

So i think my final response is while i do see where you're coming from i dont neccessarily agree with the final conclusion and i do hope that it isnt a bad enough situation to really offend you (i feel like that sounds sarcastic or dismissive im really not trying to be, i do legitimately want to avoid hurting peoples feelings or being mean even in this situation ya kno?) so uhh with that?? much love Ki, i do i appreciate this ask and you taking the time to send it and if there's anything else i can clear up im perfectly fine doing so!!! 💚💚

#btw when i put stuff in all caps think of it as like bolding words im not yelling at you i promise!!!#i understand there's many things i have been wrong about throughout the years so maybe next year I'll be disagreeing with myself #im willing to adjust my way of thinking but in this situation i think i already overthought it and came to my current answer????#idk if that last tag made sense....

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littlebabycrybtch · 4 years

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im sorry but sometimes it is so see through that you fake and corrupt ‘pro recovery’ people are literally just so frustrated and annoyed with nd people and thats all your mindset revolves around. like you’ll throw one or two fucking random self care tips at us and we’ll rightfully say ‘that doesnt work for me’ and yall instantly go on these absolutely unnecessary and brutal TANGENTS you were saving up abt how we’re ‘’’’wallowing’’’’ and that therapy takes ~Actual Effort~ so if ur special universal tips arent working for us we’re ‘’’being difficult’’’ and ‘’’’lazy’’’’ and ‘’’’hurting ourselves’’’’’ like. idk man sure i am sorry i cant ‘take a shower to feel better’ bc my symptoms make the task more stressful actually and take away from my other more necessary tasks, im sorry i forget to take my vitamins and drink enough water bc i just dont feel a difference anymore, im sorry i rely on medication instead of therapy bc therapists also teach me things that dont seem to work, except im trying, which means no matter how hard i might seem to be failing, i am ‘pro recovery’. idc how the fuck it Looks to you personally, i deserve your support. and i shouldnt Feel the Need to apologize to a stranger who claims to be my ally for experiencing mental illness symptoms and not being able to immediately correct them ! if i could do that i wouldnt be mentally ill !! i especially should not be made to feel ashamed to even Talk about my struggles just bc i know yall will try to put a bandaid on it and then guilt me when i say it didnt work. smfh like. ur children. sometimes things just have deeper rooted problems and u dont have to take it personally that you specifically cannot cure me.

ik it blows ur fucking goddamn mind but yes actually some people just Do really struggle to shower, to drink water, to take their meds, as in it takes actual personal efforts for them it wouldnt take for you and they have to work harder than you to accomplish them, and there are in fact some things nd people personally Cannot do and will Never be able to do without going backwards and sacrificing their happiness and quality of life exhausting themselves for an unattainable goal. only they know their limit, and pushing yourself past your limit is unarguably damaging. this ugly ass assumption you cannot be happy enough while still ‘allowing yourself’ to experience some symptoms... the idea that its just laziness and ‘anti recovery’ to openly struggle with what you view as the ‘easy’ or ‘beginning’ steps of recovery... is an inherently ableist and Harmful mindset you are all falling victim to and fucking over this community with. to be perfectly frank you are not ‘pro recovery’ when you demonize and shame people who are not ready for recovery. bc that doesnt do anything to help them recover. its genuinely just your excuse to hate and bash ‘severely’ nd people bc ur uncomfortable with them and wanna claim theyre doing it on purpose so you feel rightfully angry abt it. when you throw tantrums over us Being Mentally Ill and not ALREADY recovered like good boys or w/e all you are is pro nd people conforming to your standard of functioning and shutting the fuck up abt their actual identity and symptoms and experiences until they reach that level when ur comfy listening to them again. you’re pro neurotypical people, or those pretending to be for your comfort. its literally starting to border on an eugenics attitude by claiming the only healthy end goal is to be virtually indistinguishable from a neurotypical and match their functioning as best as possible. not all nd people Can do that, would be Happier doing that rather than accommodating their issues in other ways, and nor should that be the default goal to push on all nd people. also a lot of the shit yall push at us for even nts dont always conform to, so why is it us being made to walk on eggshells? why when i skip a shower am i evil and destructive but nt bob can go a week without one and no one bats an eye or they just joke about it???

lbr recovery doesnt look the same from person to person, you cant apply one broad standard like this, not to mention its not always an uphill battle, which doesnt just mean; ‘oops i relapsed :(((’. it means breakdowns, it means self harm, it means slacking off, failing hygiene, forgetting things, missing things, bad behavior, risky behavior, things that are Going to inconvenience you. and the second you forget that or decide to no longer care about those people, when you decide to have a baseline where you stop respecting or supporting nds for not trying hard enough to be like you, when you Drop them until they meet your standards as if they arent still nd people who need you on a basic level, ESPECIALLY IF YOU’RE A FUCKING NEUROTYPICAL WHO DOESNT HAVE THE RIGHT TO CHERRY PICK AT US LIKE THAT (!), is when you have inverted and ruined your own fucking cause by corrupting it with selfish conformist ableism.

tldr i understand why statements like ‘just go to therapy’ ‘thanks im cured’ would frustrate you, but i also VERY MUCH understand and NEED for you people to TRY and understand why mentally struggling people would be adverse to going to therapy, and not bc they goddamn hate recovery and wanna be sad forever or w/e strawman youve come up with, but bc of their issues which are valid and Can hinder these types of decisions and even affect how much aid these coping skills actually provide, and they dont deserve your fucking Unbridled Malice and Shame over it bc they are not literally trying to be more mentally ill. its simply a symptom and consequence of their already existing mental illness. like i really... cannot fathom the level of disconnect you must be on with nd politics to take that and assume they are truly just rejecting the possibility of happiness for the sake of being unhappy. i truly think if you cant wrap your head around ‘mentally ill people, whos minds are literally experiencing sickness, are not always rational or able to help themselves, or sometimes it only appears that way and they just know better abt it than you do’ you just. arent even an ally. you’re an ableist in activists clothing. people struggling with the concept of recovery arent inherently ‘anti recovery’, yall are honestly just really fucking BAD at how you push for recovery bc most of you dont know shit and are just mean and wanna whine abt nds to be quite blunt with u lol. the whole ‘tough love’ mindset is Bullshit ok it isnt real your love doesnt have to be tough and callous and come with conditions you just wanna be abrasive to validate ur judgement and then excuse it as secretly helpful, just be supportive and 📣 LISTEN 📣 to us or get the fuck out honestly bc u arent helping anyone with what this shit has unfortunately become

#tw ableism///#a little rambly but tldr i love the concept of pro recovery but oh my god if uckgin hate pro recovery people so much u are all so stupid #i keep waiting for you ppl to be less stupid and u never are #like mam are you pro recovery or are you anti visible mental illness. take a sec to ponder ill wait #long post #and for me its like. i dotn trust ppl who feel they have to clarify and say that why cant u just say ur a disability/mental illness ally #why cant you just say you support us. why cant you say you want us to be happy. why do you ahve to put #literally ALL of our value in your eyes on our recovery aka how far we can stray from being nd

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keiratheraven · 4 years

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Double Relapse

First, I want you to know that I'm NOT looking for attention by this post. I swear this was real, and I wasn't faking it. I just want to educate how important are the medications for mental illness and asthma.

Last week was rough because I ran out of my bipolar medications from May 30th, until June 4th, 2020, and I couldn't afford new meds due to money crisis (thanks COVID-19 pandemic 😪😥), and even my family had to pawn my laptop. That's why I temporarily can't post new pictures of my sims (I'm sorry, my simblr followers. I will post more sims pics next time). And the results for not having medications in one week was a mess for me this time. I had severe mood swings. Mostly, I was manic. But, on the night of May 31st, I became depressed. I cried without any significant cause. I just couldn't stop crying, but I hid it from my family. My mom realized that my eyes became swollen, but she couldn't help much because she was sick due to GERD herself. Then, I became manic again the next day on June 1st.

On June 2nd, at 1 AM, my asthma relapsed after I had a manic phase. I was always coughing after I laughed. I had shortness of breath and chest tightness. Unfortunately, I didn't have any inhaler and I couldn't afford a new one at that time. But I didn't want to tell anybody about this, so I just waited until I felt better. Luckily, the attack didn't last long, maybe it was about an hour, but I still couldn't sleep until the sun rises. Btw, Last time my asthma relapsed was 2 months ago, in April. The previous attack was in October 2019 and I went to the emergency room in the hospital (in my college town). That was two weeks before my 6th hospitalization.

But, the next night: On June 3rd, at 1 AM again, my bipolar and asthma got worse. It was a double relapse between the mixed phase of bipolar (manic-depression) and asthma attack at once. I was needing for medications, both for mood stabilizer and inhaler. I was having a headache. I could feel the chemical imbalance in my brain. I felt terrible. I couldn't stop coughing. I wheezed a lot. I had difficulty breathing again, and my chest was not only tight; it was painful. I almost fell asleep, but I couldn't breathe properly, so I woke up again. I gasped for breath and opened my mouth. But stupidly, I still DID NOT want to tell my family members about it, especially my hot-headed and apathetic father. So, I felt like I was dying, thanks to the mixed-phase and asthma attack. I kept it to myself until I felt better at 3:30 AM (I'm so lucky to be alive, LOL 😅). And I slept when the sun rises again, just like one day before.

Finally, on June 4th, I got some money from my parents. I went to the hospital. I went to my psychiatrist. He gave me a prescription of Risperidone, and I bought a Ventolin inhaler too. To be honest, I had some asthma attacks in the hospital, and in front of my psychiatrist as well. Actually, Risperidone is an antipsychotic, not a mood stabilizer medication, because I can't afford Depakote or Seroquel. But I felt very relieved because finally, I got medications for my asthma and bipolar disorder even though it's not complete yet.

So, this is the main idea of this post: if you have a mental illness (or physical illness as well, especially asthma just like me), you have to get help immediately, from your family or the professional. Because both mental and physical illness sucks. Plus, mental illness can take effect on your physical illness and vice versa. So, Don't wait. I need my bipolar medications just like I need my inhaler, and it also happens to everyone who has asthma and bipolar as well. Don't ever imitate me just because you have any toxic family members. Tell anybody you can trust, and don't keep it by yourselves. Every life is precious, and I want you all to be mentally and physically healthy.

#asthma #asthma attack #bipolar #bipolar disorder #mental illness #mental health #mental disorder #inhaler #medication #risperidone #ventolin #mentally unstable #chronic illness #double relapse

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glowwormsmith · 4 years

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I wanna know ALL the angst questions for Iris, my latest fascination, because I’m always a slut for Eden’s Gate ocs and her playlist is full of BOPS seriously you have excellent taste in music 👌💕

asdfds thank you!!💗 I’m glad you like the playlist for her, I worked hard on it. It’s half sad, soft girl who loves her flower girlfriend, half horror movie villain lol. I also really like talking about Iris, since she’s an unrepentant follower of Faith and Joseph and I can make a complex villain. Let’s get into the angst.

oc angst questions here for reference!

(cw for child abuse/domestic abuse/mental illness/sexual trauma mentions/self-harm/suicidal thoughts and idealization below the cut. Let me know if you need anything else tagged.)

💙 If Iris were dying near Faith or Joseph, her final words would be nothing but gratitude and love for saving her, accepting her into their family and giving her purpose. With Faith, she would tell her she was the only person she ever loved and promises she’ll wait for her in the afterlife, even if she doesn’t truly believe in such deep down. If she is dying in the presence of her enemies, she will curse their names and go down like a bitch: taunting and spitting poison at them, defiant to the end.

In my story, Iris survives the Collapse and the events of “New Dawn;” she’ll most likely die of natural causes down the road, which the Deputy and Iris’s other victims find unfair.

💧 The worst physical pain she was in was when her father brutalized and locked her up in the basement for three days when she was fourteen because she was hanging out with a girl after-school and they came across her giving the girl a kiss; she doesn’t remember much about her past that was rife with abuse, but this moment has stuck in her mind due to the fact that this was the first instance of severe abuse and when she became a prisoner within her own family.

The worst pain she was in mentally was when Faith died. She had mainly healed from her past thanks to being with Faith and the Project; even when the Project was under siege by the Resistance, it was fine because she had Faith. When she came across Faith’s body in the river, Iris had a complete mental shutdown, simply holding Faith’s body in her arms and sitting on the river bank, talking to her as if she were alive. Only Joseph was able to pull Iris away from Faith and Iris needed time alone/with Joseph to process her grief.

🔷 While Iris does not regret leaving her dysfunctional and abusive family, she notes that it was a great leap of faith that culminated in more abuse while on the road; the only reason she never tried to go back was because she could not bear to be locked up again under the grip of her cruel and sadistic father, uncaring and cold older sister, and an awful uncle, aunt and cousins who helped in the abuse.

She was abandoned by her birth mother when she was ten, who had been her only source of comfort. Her mother’s abandonment gave Iris both a feeling of low self-worth but also a desire to be as brave as that woman to leave her prison one day, even if it was into an unknown and uncaring world.

🔵 Her home life was never pleasant and it grew worse when her mother ran off when Iris was ten. She became a captive within her own family at fourteen and she developed severe depression, anxiety, severe anger problems, suicidal idealization, and even sadistic tendencies as a result. She was able to escape after killing her sister in a fit of rage, though it didn’t get better as Iris became homeless and was further exploited on the road.

It is all a blur to her and she prefers it that way, with only a few key memories standing out in her mind. She had to overcome a lot of sexual trauma to show physical affection for Joseph and Faith, and even then they are the only two she allows to touch her. She has an inherent distrust of law enforcement (her aunt was a detective that helped to keep any suspicious people away) and has developed a fear of men, dogs, sex-repulsed, sharp objects, confined spaces and loud voices. She also wonders, in her moments of self-reflection, if she would have been a better person without her dysfunctional family, or if she was always this cruel and vindictive.

❄️ She regrets having to turn to prostitution, thievery and even murder while she was homeless. While she knows it wasn’t her fault that her family treated her awfully, she feels shame and disgust over what she had to do on the road, to the point where she wonders if she should have just died instead of kept going. Faith and Joseph have to continuously remind her that no, she’s not “dirty” or “bad” for having to survive and that if she chose to die, then they would never have gotten the chance to know her. While it makes her feel better to hear this from the two people she loves, the negative intrusive thoughts refuse to go away, so she copes by projecting onto others, becoming a bully and tormentor herself.

💦 She tended to self-harm before Eden’s Gate and she still tends to do it at her lowest of lows or if no one’s around. She also has the urge to be a huge asshole to others, as a way to get her pent-up frustration and bitterness and negative emotions out. This unfortunate habit is supported by EG because, even though Joseph wants to save as many people as possible, he allows his followers to fight the Resistance and she takes the opportunity to be cruel to “sinners.”

She has become somewhat reliant on the Bliss, since being in the Bliss makes all the bad thoughts go away.

🌊 Iris is a pretty mean-spirited and petty person, but she can hide it well to put up a sympathetic and sincere front. When she’s hit her low, she drops the facade and goes hard; pray you aren’t on the receiving end of her anger or if you’re dealing with her during an episode.

If she becomes triggered or has a panic attack, she’ll dissociate and find a quiet place out in the woods to curl up and wait to settle her mind. She’ll look to Joseph or Faith for comfort and reassurance she is fine, that they won’t leave her or let anyone harm her.

☄️ She does, though it has gotten better due to healing from Joseph and Faith. She only opens up to these two, though she has enough emotional intelligence (probably due to healing from them) to understand that they are the only two she can even genuinely love at this point. She is complex: on first glance, you’d think she wasn’t affected by her past at all, but more time and learning about her history that her experience has shaped Iris into her current personality and behaviors, even if she suppresses much of her memory. By the time of “New Dawn,” she has completely forgotten her past and only knows Eden’s Gate; the only trace memory of her past life is that “monsters made me a monster.”

🔹 She has scars on her arms and thighs from both self-harm and the abuse from her family. Her family were more careful not to leave evidence of the abuse, so most of the scars from them are mental. She hates looking at the scars because she sees them as her weakness and impurity, so she covers them up when she can. Iris has gotten so good at burying her past that most of the Resistance or even regular EG members simply believe she is an asshole or monster, without realizing that her past has made her this way.

To quote Daenerys Targaryen, “If I look back, I am lost.” Iris refuses to dwell on the past, purely seeing them as monsters she had to face before she found her true family, her true father who loves and protects her, and her true love of her life. By refusing to give thought to her birth family and life on the road, she both allows herself to bury the abuse and let the trauma and hurt manifest itself in her personality, relationships with others, and behavior. It’s both good and bad, and just like the Seed family, she really needs proper counseling but will never truly get it so she copes in different, sometimes even unhealthy, ways.

📘 Theme: Meet-Cute (have an angsty drabble with a happy/hopeful ending lol)

I want to die. I don’t want to, but I do. It hurts too much to keep going, but I’m too scared to end it.

It was funny how Iris realized the folly of her desire to both live and not live, how beautiful it would be to lie down in the field of white bell-shaped flowers, close her eyes and stop breathing, rotting back into the soil and letting her bones become home to the flowers and weeds and worms.

Before she was taken out of school, her English class had read Hamlet and she had been idealizing Ophelia since, a beautiful death, and she had looked at any river she passed with a longing to enter it and not come out. But then she remembered her mother, the ghost of a woman whose only true strength came in her running away into the unknown, and any attempt to end her life was half-hearted and abandoned, with the next thought turning to how she would get her next meal, with only three dollars in her pocket.

It doesn’t matter now. Food, shelter, dying by my own hand. They’re found me. Iris had seen them when she wandered into that small town, putting up pictures of her at sixteen near a dive bar and speaking to the town’s preacher. She had frozen only briefly before he slunk back into the shadows of the forest line and kept wandering. They had been searching for her the whole time since she killed the Bitch and left the Cage; the Monsters that had the nerve to call her blood. She allowed a small, bitter chuckle that it took two years to cross her path; she always knew she was the smart one among them...And then a hysteric sob burst out as she fell to her knees, her tongue tasting iron as her lip broke. She would die easy by their hands; they probably wouldn’t even kill her as they dragged her back “home.” The memories were coming back, no matter how she tried to push them down into the darkness: the Beast’s hands and voice and evil laughter, being dragged into the Dark Room again, feeling the pangs of hunger....Iris stopped her sobs, only letting the tears form but never cry.

No. She would not let herself be drawn back there. Not after escaping, not after putting herself through cruelty on the world just for the sake of freedom. Only she had the right to her body and mind and thoughts; no one, especially those Monsters, were going to take it away. Only she would be the decider of her fate.

Just as Iris was about to reach into her pocket to pull out the switchblade and steel herself to fight against her survival instinct, she heard singing. It was soft at first as Iris looked up and around the field of bell flowers.

“H-Hello?” she called out, voice hoarse. Perhaps I’m already dead. She then stood up and walked towards it, both curious and more of her survival instinct keeping her alive as long as possible.

The singing became clearer as Iris spotted a figure twirling in the field. It was a pretty sound, but there was no lyrics, just melodious humming and chiming.

The singing belonged to a beautiful young woman and Iris felt any unease at meeting a strange ease; she only had fear and mistrust of men, and this girl...was an angel. She was clad in a pure white dress, her dirty blonde hair hanging loosely to her shoulders and she was holding a flower as she danced without a care in the field. Even her bare feet looked untouched and mildly muddied, which only endeared Iris to this wood nymph.

She then took note of Iris, who was conscious of how dirty and plain she looked compared to the lovely girl’s pristine appearance, with matted red hair, grimy face, stench and tattered clothes she pulled from Goodwill and hardly replaced. Rather than look surprise or disgusted, the angelic girl smiled kindly.

“Hello, friend. Do you need help?”

“I...” Iris was unaccustomed to speaking to anyone in such a pleasant manner since her time on the road, let alone anyone asking her for help so kindly and without any secondary motivation. She blinked in confusion then looked behind her, afraid her family would suddenly appear with their horrid faces and harsh words to drag her away. She must have looked panicked when the girl’s brow furrowed in concern, though the sweet smile was still on her face.

Iris saw the girl open her hands towards her and she feared she would be touched so she drew back, but the girl kept her hands open, waiting for Iris to take them herself. Iris felt her hands fold together and began picking her skin with her nails, her eyes drawn towards the soft, clean hands. She had no right to touch them with her own dirty ones.

“I can take you to my home. We have warm food, showers and a place to rest. You seem to have been traveling for awhile. There’s no need to be afraid of me. My name is Faith; what’s your name?”

“...I-Iris. Umm...” God, she’s so pretty and kind. Like a real angel. Can someone like me be so lucky to be in her presence?

“That’s a beautiful name. Iris, would you like to come home with me?” Faith asked. “You’ll be safe there.”

Iris felt her mouth twist into a scowl. “Nowhere’s ever safe.” She cringed and thought that Faith would turn away from her now that she showed her ugliness, but Faith nodded and gave a quiet hum in agreement.

“I know all too well how unsafe this world and people can be. But there’s no where quite as safe as Eden’s Gate,” Faith said. “I know I’m a stranger to you, but all friends start as strangers, and if you come with me, you’ll finally feel the safest you’ll ever be.”

Iris looked to Faith and noticed her brown eyes, like a doe’s. All the barriers she put up with people melted away as she looked at the open, beautiful face, the soft lips curved in a smile. Iris gulped. Who knows how long the Monsters will be in this area for. “Alright. I’ll...I’ll take a leap of faith.”

Faith let out a chuckle at that, which sounded wonderful to Iris’s ears, and the girl took Faith’s hands into her own, was lead out of the field and into a new life.

#iris #fc5 oc #oc ask meme #abuse tw #self-harm tw #suicide mention tw #hope you like it #this really got long and heavy #casino-lights

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pugszler · 5 years

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ochako, hagakure, bakugou, momo for the ask game!

aw yaaay thanks sora!

Ochako Uraraka: What is your goal?

i’m kinda glad u asked this bc i haven’t really spent much time lately thinking about my life goals so much... been too depressed, keep forgetting to see past what lies ahead beyond tomorrow or next week... oops lol. um... well besides literally surviving (yikes), i’m pretty much just always fantasizing about a calm domestic future. living in a nice home of my own, with a life partner, a happy daily routine, all the cutesy kinda stuff you see in those “imagine yourself...” tumblr posts. i don’t know what my career or skill or hobby goals are anymore... i just want to be happy. and i want to be able to love myself again. and (fingers fucking crossed) maybe be loved in return someday.

Tooru Hagakure: How would you feel if you were invisible?

it literally depends on my mood lol. when i’m happy and feeling self-confident (aka when i wasn’t mentally ill), i love solitude and being alone, being invisible. when i’m lacking self-confidence (like right now), i crave the comfort of being invisible. i don’t want anyone to see me. when i feel at least moderately confident w myself and i don’t want to be alone, then the last thing i would want is to be invisible. tbh i feel like i’ve spent most of my life feeling pretty invisible? i wasn’t disliked or bullied or anything growing up, but i was definitely forgotten about. wasn’t a good feeling, but unfortunately i got used to it. anyway WOW i’m being a downer so far with these questions i am so sorry. i hope hagakure doesn’t experience shit like this!!! i’d love to think about her experiences with these kinds of feelings and her literal physical invisibility... (too bad her character development is practically invisible in horikoshi’s canon RIP)

Katsuki Bakugou: What in life are you most passionate about?

not gonna lie, it’s prob fandom and fictional media. i get way more excited about fictional characters and universes than i do with probably anything in my actual life lmao. i really do love fandom tho!! it can be very challenging to stay positive in it some times, but that’s much not different than real life either (either way ur gonna be bombarded with politics and the actions of harmful people somehow; that’s just living with humans). but yeah, i just rlly love thinking about my faves and being around other people who love the same things and being able to consume and share art from other ppl and make the things we like even better and more fun to think about!

Momo Yaoyorozu: What’s your favorite book or series?

fjkdsfldsgk i’m a dumbass who doesn’t read actual books (if i Had to give an answer, the only one i could give you is goddamn twilight and obvsly i’m not proud of that answer). my current fave tv series is bnha. and i have several different video game faves, but i’ll say i’m still pretty big on loving the dragon age games rn (specifically da2)

#my answers here are so sad omggg #replies #ask game #trans-hawks

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facts-before-ideology · 6 years

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Hi! So I just discovered your blog and you're really cool for having such a level head about your own ideas vs the people you follow, and I guess I'm curious as to how you classify trans individuals. Do you say they have a neurological or birth defect or? I guess it's more of a terminology question, but I'm curious as to your sources for all related materials.

Hey! Thank you for this Ask. This is an importantquestion to me, and as such, this is going to be a long post. I would also liketo say that when discussing issues related to trans people navigating preferredlanguage can be tricky. For the purpose of this ask, when I refer to a “transperson”, I am referring to an individual who identifies as trans, regardless ofwhether or not they transition.

I have always personally felt that referring to transpeople under one big Transgender umbrella term is inefficient and even harmful.

Thereare born-male and born-female trans people. There are intersex and non-intersextrans people, also male or female at birth.

Under these basic subgroups, there are trans-identifiedpeople who transition medically (hormones and sex reassignment surgery), andsocially (such as changing pronouns and appearance (often considered “genderexpression”)). Some trans people transition both medically and socially, or donot transition at all (yet they still identify as trans).

Thereasons that trans people transition are extremely vast and different perindividual.

There are trans people who have gender dysphoria, amental illness in which the subject experiences extreme distress with theirprimary and/or secondary sex characteristics and may or may not seek some form of transition to alleviatethis distress. There could be several different causes to gender dysphoria,such as internalized or externally experienced homophobia and sexism, PTSD, autogynephilia, overall body dissatisfaction, or there could be unknown causes. It could be a symptom of other mentalillnesses or exist on its own accord. There are trans people who areautogynephiles, and some of these trans people acknowledge and understandthemselves to be autogynephiles and seek to understand transgenderism underthis Blanchardian framework while working to deconstruct sexist or homophobic aspects oftheir sexual orientations (Dr. Anne Lawrence is an autogynephilic transwoman researcher, and here is her analysis on autogynephilia as an alternative framework to the concept of gender-identity [PDF]). Other autogynephile trans people reject this diagnosisand framework completely and even find it offensive. A small yet growing subsetof trans people might be born into one birth sex yet were raised by their parentsto believe they are transgender (linked source is a documentary) because of their interests, behaviors, ormannerisms (these kids may or may not actually have gender dysphoria, they mayor may not be homosexual yet are forced into transitioning at a young age, and theway their parents are raising and medically treating them may or may not becausing gender dysphoria). A child’s identity is still developing, changes overtime, and is extremely fluid, and arguably so is adult self identity). Some trans people are forced to transition, suchas the case for many intersex infants and in countries which have legalizedgender/sex transitioning but have illegalized homosexuality. Other trans peoplemight transition due to social pressures to transition or to escape rigid gendernorms. Some born-male trans people unfortunately also transition to (oftensexually) hurt and control born-female people or to evade legal repercussionsfor crimes (such as legally changing their name and gender to thwart pedophileand sexual offender registries and be harder to physically identify).

Transpeople understand themselves in so many ways, and these understandings oftenvary with sexual orientation, political leaning, and birth sex.

Some trans people very much believe they were internallyborn one sex or gender in their brains and hearts, but were born in the wrongbody. By seeking transition, they might be trying to “confirm” their genderidentities. Other trans people reject the idea that they are really internallya different sex or gender and identify with/as their born biological sex. Theymay seek transition for other reasons or not seek transition at all, but theydo identify as trans, generally due to gender dysphoria, autogynephilia, orboth.

Bothbetween and amongst these two groups, the language and descriptive terms usedto understand themselves and their worlds can be extremely different, despitethese groups both being trans-identified.

Some trans people might refer to themselves astranssexual, but not transgender. Other trans people might refer to themselvesas transgender, but not transsexual. Or maybe they identify as both transgenderand transsexual. Some trans people understand their sexual orientations inrelation to their gender identities while other trans people understand their sexualorientations in relation to their biological sex, regardless of their genderidentity.

Conclusion

Really, I can go on, and this is my “Too Long, Unable/Unwillingto Read” version. I attempted to go into more detail, but it has so far turned intoa five-page report in Word, lol.. To answer your question, the only unifyingexperience that I have found trans people to have in common across all groupsis a trans-identity, and this alone is too subjective an expansive of acategory to use. There exist different groups of trans-identified people whohave different goals, medical needs, terminology, and understanding of whatbeing trans is… and advocating for the goals, needs, rights, and broad use ofterminology for one group of trans-identified people could actually silence orhurt other trans subgroups.

Moreover, we must be careful in not only balancingthese needs, goals, language, and rights of different subgroups of trans peopleacross race, birth-sex, ability, location, and class, but also consider the rights,needs, language, and goals of marginalized non-trans people, such as homosexualpeople, children, and female people. And there definitely exists conflicts ofinterests between and among all of these groups of people. I do not think thatwe can understand and consider trans-identifying people as one, unifying groupin the vast majority of cases in which we refer to trans people. So I try torefrain from classifying all trans-identifying people under one “transgender” umbrellaword but instead attempt to be more specific as to which trans-identifyingsubgroup of people I am talking about. Sometimes generalizations work such aswhen we use the word “children” to refer to developing humans under a certainage, “women” to signify people who are adult human females, “birds” when werefer to the specific species of Ornithurines, but in most contexts we classifyall trans-identifying people togetherwhen in reality we are discussing (or sometimes even prioritizing) one subgroupand this causes issues.

I do not believe all trans-identifying people have amental illness, but perhaps a majority of trans-identifying individuals in richnations do. I do not think that it is a sign of good mental health to choose todrastically surgically or hormonally alter one’s body. To reiterate, it is mentallyunhealthy to desire and seek to hormonally or surgically change one’s body (outsideof medical necessity) for the purpose of changing or controlling how people seeyou and how you see yourself. I also personally reject the idea of brainsex, or the idea that there are male and female brains (Delusions of Gender by Cordelia Fine also provides an interesting critique on this theory [PDF]).

* This is going to be a work in progress and I am going to take a break for now. I’m pulling sources out of previous reports I have done in past undergraduate classes and it’s taking some time to re-read, as well as scrolling through posts concerning personal experiences and articles I’ve saved on Reddit. In the mean time I encourage anyone curious about these topics to filter through research in Google Scholar for further reports and analysis...using Zotero really helps in sorting out any interesting research you want to find, organize, and cite in papers. Reddit, specifically the sub GCdebatesQT is awesome for gauging other personal perspectives, understandings, experiences, and users also share research on gender, biological sex, and trans people. Many trans participants on the sub hold viewpoints on what it means to be trans and what causes gender dysphoria that differentiate from such conceptions held by trans users on Tumblr with some overlap, and many trans-identifying subgroups coexist in this small sub alongside gender critical feminists which results in really interesting conversations.

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bizarropurugly · 6 years

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Dame’s Eating Problem(s)

okay so I’ve been wanting to make this post for like ever now but kept getting too tired to write it but basically this post is going to be a detail on my difficulties with eating and food

so tw for disordered eating, and food obviously, and vomiting too, and unsanitary stuff too, there might be ableist language, suicide and self harm, body image and/or dysphoria probably? I think that covers it

let’s get this show on the road below cut

So to start with, I have digestive issues, a tender mouth, sensitive teeth, and autism. This makes eating hard enough already.

I am sensitive to grease, sugar, dairy, spiciness, and salt. Which kind of sucks because I actually need a lot of salt in my diet due to my vasovagal syncope and chronic low blood pressure, but it burns my mouth so brutally I swear I even bleed. Some other examples of problems I have would be eating a candy bar in one sitting makes my teeth ache, or fighting between puking and shitting myself to death over most fastfood because they use so much fucking grease.

It’s very possible I have irritable bowel syndrome but I have hangups with getting any of that checked out, mostly that THAT particular area of my body, I am actually too shy and embarrassed over to want to risk any kind of... examination of it... haha... and with all my other problems it takes a back seat.

Then there’s the autism, which is almost unpredictable in what will set off my gag reflex sometimes. I know for certain peanut butter*, mushrooms, and anything with legs (such as some shrimp and DEFINITELY any squid) are guaranteed triggers.

(*Small amounts of peanut butter in things like packed candy bars or puppy chow are fine. Small amounts, though.)

And then sometimes I just get tired of eating something and will come close to puking on just the thought of eating it. This mostly happens with meat, potatoes, pastries, and whatever you’d consider shit like waffles and pancakes. Vegetables and fruits seem to be safe for the most part, but unfortunately they’re not very filling and their acidity / fructose content can trigger my OTHER digestive issues.

I’m guessing it’s an autism thing because it’s primarily about the textures that I don’t want to feel when I get tired of a food, hence why it tends to be with... squishier, sometimes slimier stuff I guess.

Usually food intolerance comes from the fact I have very few options of “safe” food and eat the shit out of any I find, and ultimately make myself hate it temporarily from that being the only thing I ever eat. Sometimes, though, this is permanent, such as with peaches, pears, chili, goulash, pineapple, and at times beef stew specifically of the Dinty Moore line.

This is a backdrop for how my troubles began. I kind of ignored this, like, aggressively for a long time, particularly because of being abused by adults over it? I had no explanation and everyone thought I was being a picky brat - in fact being called picky was a trigger for me as a kid because it was always in such a brutally negative fashion that implied I was a lying spoiled piece of shit because I would shit my pants or throw up over some adult’s stupid fucking idea of “kid friendly” food like tacos and peanut butter sandwiches.

So I just... didn’t eat. A lot. It got worse over time. I was so tired of fighting about food, and I was tired of not knowing what was going to hurt me, that I just straight up forewent eating, often. Very often.

By high school, I was probably only eating lunch twice a week. When I graduated high school I was down to like 95-98 pounds.

But it wasn’t just that, actually. It got worse, if you can believe it!

What this did was pave the way for me to get worse as my depression, anxiety, and other untreated mental illness took their toll on me in high school. Years of ignoring my hunger pangs / being used to them left me with no realization of just how bad my mental health was, because not eating was normalized to me.

It came to be that even when I had food that I liked and knew was safe, I couldn’t eat it. My body was completely rejecting anything I tried to eat. And I didn’t notice for a while because it “wasn’t” interfering with my life, because it was all par for the course. Starving was par for the course. Like, my mother worried about me moving out on my own because she knew I had to be pushed to eat, otherwise I’d go the whole day and not notice.

I can’t remember when I realized something wasn’t right. I do remember a particular moment in my favourite restaurant, which I didn’t get to go to often because we are poor and it’s a steak place, and I think it was my 18th or 19th birthday, and I had my most favourite things to eat in the world in front of me and... couldn’t eat it.

In fact, I threw up for my hubris in trying to make myself eat it.

And I started crying, because I was hungry, I was SO hungry, and this was my favourite food, and it wasn’t fucking cheap, but... I couldn’t eat it. My body wouldn’t let me, and on top of that, I fucking THREW UP on the table. I felt so ashamed and like a horrible person, because of course wait staff has to clean that up, and I was so weak and tired and just wanted to eat my fucking steak and go home...

(This was when I learned to never, ever, EVER push it if I’m feeling this way lol)

And this kept going on, actually. The explanation was never found until I actually got help for my mental health, but only after urging from my best friend after confessing to them a suicide attempt.

I don’t remember how we went about trying to find the cause before I came in about depression. I remember that I was literally wasting away for like... 5 or so years. It wasn’t just the depression that made me fall asleep in class or in the halls between class. I was always cold, too, cold and weak, and could often be found wedged underneath a radiator at school. I got so small and tired and miserable. My mother says I dropped towards 80 pounds before I finally got help.

I kind of really hate it because I used to be strong, but I was beat down. It was beat out of me, verbally, emotionally. Bullies nobody did anything about, teachers proud of embarrassing me, everyone around me thinking I was obnoxious and retarded, having no actual friends. I used to be able to carry classmates twice my size and take down football players. Now I really am a sack of shit, now in a more literal sense.

When I fell through the mire, I lost it all. The muscle and the wile and the flexibility. Started failing my classes, when I had previously been among academic elite. None of those kids thought I was smart enough for it either and couldn’t wait to position themselves as better than me when I literally fucking DYING, STARVING TO DEATH, TRYING TO KILL MYSELF.

....But that’s a tangent. Sorry.

Anyway, once the problem was actually found, and I got put on medication, it was like magic. I could eat again!! I could seriously eat again and not be afraid of throwing up or wasting food or anything!!

And by god, did I eat.

A common side effect of psychiatric medication that they don’t seem to explain very well is that your appetite increases. In my case, where I was literally starving, that was like going from 0 to 100 overnight. And I get why it’s a side effect - difficulty eating is a very common symptom of depression and anxiety! - but nobody told me how intense it would be, let alone that I should be careful.

You know how you’re not supposed to feed a starving animal a full bowl of food right away or else they’ll make themselves terribly sick because they’re stupid as hell and will gobble it down in seconds?

Basically, that. I gobbled and gobbled and gobbled everything my fucking hands could snatch, even my not safe foods. Didn’t care that I was shitting my brains out because I could FINALLY EAT AGAIN. I was so excited to EAT AGAIN.

Well, by starving myself, I had completely destroyed my metabolism. Experts have said it over and over again, starving puts your body in panic mode, and it relegates everything to storage.

So now I’m fat. I eat the same as I did before the troubles really got going, but because I went through several years of NOT eating, I have completely fucking screwed my body up. I’m fat, fat as hell.

And I’m pretty sure it’s not my “normal” weight because when I finally sit up out of the fucking mire and get to exercising and eating on a normal schedule, I lose weight, or at least change fat to muscle pretty easily.

But I’m wracked with stress and little to no feeling of control on my life. My mental health is spiraling again and I’m not eating, let alone eating right, again, and certainly I don’t have the energy to properly exercise myself.

Back when I first started my job things were better and I was excited because I was losing weight and feeling a little healthier because I was on a regular schedule, but now...

My executive dysfunction is also being a fucking pain in the ass because it keeps waving a metaphorical to-do list in my face and saying, “No!! you can’t exercise now!! look at all this stuff you need to do!! you have so many things to do!! there’s so many things and they need to be done and you can’t do anything ever without doing all the things right now!!”

The consequences are worse now, though. I have to actually drive and be at work and be an adult, which takes a LOT of my energy, and if I don’t eat? I pass out. More vasovagal syncope bullshit combined with the chronic low blood pressure. It was one thing falling asleep in high school, but now I have much more I need to do in a given day thanks to life being, you know, life.

Sunshine and One Eye keep me from letting myself wither, right now. I have to have a job and go to it in order to take care of them. If I didn’t have them, I’d probably quit my job and move back in with my parents and basically fade away.

Sometimes it’s a curse because I really, really don’t want to live, I don’t want to sustain myself. I’m... really fucking tired, I am beyond tired.

And I have to force myself to eat, but it’s rarely anything worthwhile anymore. It’s almost always snack food because it’s just so hard to eat anything right now, let alone something fulfilling. It takes me months to go through a bag of pretzels or something because I’m so unwilling to eat. I don’t even buy actual food now, no butter or bread or soup or meat, because I’m so unwilling to eat that it ends up expiring without ever being used. I cleared out my freezer recently and had food in there that expired in 2015. The only thing my fridge has is juice, soda, and milk for cereal for breakfast (the only dairy I’ll be able to eat for the next 12-24 hours unless I’m feeling less sore for once and want an ice cream cone lol).

So. Uhhh.. I guess that’s it. That’s my problem. Ruined metabolism brought on by starving because depression which was easy to do because I fucked up my eating instincts from a childhood of Angry Stomach vs Angry Adults, and now I’m heading right back in that direction again.

And I fucking hate it because all my life I’ve been skinny but strong-ish and smol but now I’m just a weakling blob and none of my favourite clothes fit.

#eating --//#disordered eating ---//#suicide --//#ableist slurs --//#food --//#bad brain business #dame disability chronicles #new tag I'm gonna use for writing about my disabilities...#...when I get around to the other posts

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thecrookedgavel · 4 years

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The Black Box Readings - Ep 2 Transcript

Here’s the transcript for episode 2 of The Black Box Readings, the podcast where I read to you the backup of queer blogs that have gone down.

See Other Episodes

An: Hey, all! And welcome back to The Black Box Readings, the podcast where I read to you the backup of queer blogs that have gone down! I’m your host, An Capuano. I want to start off by thanking you for coming back for episode 2. It means a great deal to me. Last time we were introduced to Emmy and started getting into her story. But also, we got into some personal anecdotes from me… Some very personal anecdotes, actually. So a little peek behind the curtain, I’m recording this before the release of episode 1, but I showed an unmastered version to some of my friends and they all thought my little stories really added something to the episode. Which is good, because I felt really empowered by it, even if I didn’t really plan on sharing so much about me.

If you haven’t heard episode 1 yet, I would really recommend taking the time to do so before continuing, but here’s a brief summary of what was covered:

Let’s see, we met our hero Emmy, and we learned that she’s a visual artist, and learned a bit about her being bi-polar and deaf. We also saw some hints of her being a trans lesbian. We come back into the swing of things with a frequently asked questions post as a response to the messages she received after her last post, titled:

“(Unfortunately) FAQ

Thank you for your attempts at cheering me up. I appreciate it, even though some things that were said were not helpful at all. Rather than replying to each of you individually, I decided to make a FAQ. Let’s get into them, shall we?

-You’re deaf? Why don’t you wear hearing aids?

Sorry, it’s not that simple. With the amount of deaf I am, I still can’t understand speech, even with hearing aids. So they’re basically pointless.

-Why don’t you get cochlear implants? Isn’t that the cure for being deaf?

There’s no easy fix for being deaf. Even with cochlear implants, you “hear” in a totally different way, and it’s taxing and torture from what I hear. Plus, my dad says we can’t afford them. I don’t know if I would want to have them if we could tbh. It all seems pretty scary if you ask me.

-Do you have a deaf accent when you talk? I know what you mean, but please don’t call it that. I’m not from the country of “Deaf”, so I wouldn’t call it an accent. But yeah, I talk funny, if that’s what you’re asking

-Are you able to lip read?

Yeah, I can. I’m ok at it, but I can really only follow one on one conversations. Any more than that, and I get lost easily. I understand the most when someone articulates and talks slowly for me.

-Wow, you’re really brave! I would kill myself if I couldn’t listen to music.

Gee, thanks. I’m glad you think my life isn’t worth living. There’s nothing brave about it, I just do what I can, and try not to beat myself up too badly.

-Why not take medication for being bi-polar?

Honestly, it’s complicated. Being on tumblr is what made me realize that I’m bi-polar, not a doctor or anything. So there’s no one I can get meds from. Legally, at least, lol. My dad refuses to accept what I’m going through is a mental illness, he just thinks that I have behavioral problems. That I’m just doing all this to spite him or something. So I’m sort of stuck without meds for the time being. “

She can be very sassy, can’t she? There’s a bit of cleverness to her responses. No swearing or name calling, those things are just implied. It’s nice that she calls out the ableist rhetoric that disabled people are better off dead. It was heartwarming to see, when I originally read this post, that she does believe she has value as a person, even if it is sort of buried at the moment under the doom and gloom of her previous post.

She also talks about how her Dad can’t pay, or maybe even won’t pay for cochlear implants, and refuses to get her psychiatric medication. I’m not the biggest fan of her Dad, to be honest, and why will become clearer as we progress through Emmy’s blog. In fact, our next post is about an interaction between the two of them.

“Got mad at my Dad today

God, I’m so PISSED OFF, you don’t even know. My Dad is being his usual tyrannical self again. He never lets me do anything! Ok, so I just wanted to go to the corner store and pick up a few things we were missing around the house, nothing major, right? I wanted to be helpful, you know? But as I walk out the door, he grabs my shoulder and pulls me back into the house. He YELLS at me, even though he KNOWS I can’t understand him when he does that. After a while of telling him to stop yelling, he finally starts talking slowly for me. He told me that it’s not safe for me to leave the house on my own. That I might get hurt, kidnapped, or worse. I told him that I’d be fine, and that he needs to stop being so controlling all the time. Then he started quoting the Bible at me, I hate it when he does that. Something about the 10 commandments and how I’m supposed to honor him, idk. I know I’m supposed to believe it all, being I’m the son of a pastor, and all that. But I’m seriously an atheist, ok? I just don’t believe in God, fate, or any of it. Anyway, I hate to admit it, but he’s probably right. Not being able to hear a car coming does scare me a lot. Thanks for reading, rant over. “

This is one of many rants that made their way onto Emmy’s blog. I think she was able to use it to feel better about the negative things in her life. You can see at the end that she’s much calmer than she was at the beginning of the post, even going so far as to actually agree with her Dad. Though I get not wanting your child to get hurt, I don’t think he should have pulled her back into the house physically like that. And yelling on top of that? It all rubs me the wrong way. Though they’re not the reasons I truly dislike him. Unfortunately, those will come by in full force later on.

Oh, I realize I haven’t given an anecdote yet, sorry about that. Let’s see… umm… I guess I can really relate with the struggle of wanting to be independent. I’ve been really sick for more than 10 years now, and we had a lot of trouble getting a diagnosis. It’s looking like it’s all due to a concussion I had in my teens. I’m getting treated now, and things are looking up, actually! There’s a lot of hope with me.

But before that, I actually had the opposite dynamic as Emmy. My parents would really push me to be independent, but I had sort of accepted where I was with my level of dependency. I couldn’t do things like exercise, laundry, or even make my own food, even on my best days, without feeling absolutely terrible afterwards. Certain movements would basically knock me out for the rest of the day. This lead to terrible sleep cycles, and my parents would get really upset with me for not appearing “normal.” I think it looked to them like I wasn’t making an effort, when in truth, I wasn’t normal and I was doing exactly what I could every day. It sort of came to a boiling point with them not understanding, and I sort of had to move out and get my own place to stop it from getting truly awful, honestly. It was hard, for a lot of reasons, including money reasons, but that’s a story for another time, I think.

But back to Emmy herself, I guess we really haven’t talked about her religious views yet. She went into a bit of detail in an earlier post, but in the end, I decided to omit it from the podcast. Mostly because the core of it is present here. She doesn’t believe in God or predeterminism, and she has a real disdain for The Bible. It’s probably from oversaturation, to be honest? Like, grow up with a super religious parent, and you’re bound to want to rebel as a teen. Though I find it kind of funny that she says she doesn’t believe in fate, it’s not strictly a religious concept, and bit of a spoiler, but she ends up changing her mind on that front later on.

Next up is a post where Emmy talks about her aspirations and future goals. She wants to be a full time artist, and take the steps necessary to get there. She wants something more out of life, which is pretty natural for a teen. It’s why the “princess wanting more” story is told time and time again. Anyways, the post is titled:

“I Want To Do Art

I’ve been thinking a lot about the future recently, and I’ve been feeling pretty bored just sitting around doing whatever lately. I want to work for a living, but I know I can’t really do that without leaving the house. I want to be an artist. Like an animator or an illustrator. Something like that. It’s something I’m perfectly capable of doing, even if I can’t hear. I know my art needs work before I can make a job out of it, but I think that’s what I want out of life.

I passed high school last year, even if I was homeschooled, it still counts! I don’t know what kind of art school would take me, and I understand that I’m disabled, but my Dad won’t even let me look for an art school. He just won’t fucking listen to me! He thinks I’m just going to sit at home and do nothing for the rest of my life, like some sort of fucking pet! I’m so sick of him! He’s so goddamn controlling and I fucking hate him for it! I don’t know what to live for if I can’t be an artist, tbh…”

Honestly, this is an upsetting post to me, for a number of reasons. It sort of gives me a flashback to high school, which never sounds good, but bear with me. I was told by someone I really looked up to, my acting teacher, that I’d never make it as an actor because of my hearing loss. He encouraged me that I could still work in theater, like being a stage manager, but the damage was kind of done. I always thought that he believed in me, he would give me opportunities like assistant director on several projects. I got a good amount of experience working with him. Maybe he believed I was better suited to being a director, which is something I have been doing, directing my own projects, like The Crooked Gavel. But I also have been voice acting, which is acting, right? Actually, talking through this has made me realize that he would be proud of me. I think he would be happy to have been proven wrong. I actually feel a lot better now. Interesting.

Anyways, where were we? *light chuckle* Right, so I think Emmy has the right to resent her Dad in this case. It sounds like he’s not trying to meet her halfway, not even trying to look into an art school for the disabled. To me, it seems like he just doesn’t want to let go of the idea of Emmy as his child. She’s growing up, and he’s kind of refusing to see it. There’s also the aspect that he might be embarrassed of her, which… *sigh* more on that later.

---

Moving on, here’s another post accompanied by a piece of art. It’s… well it’s part of the reason why her previous post upsets me. Because I remember this post along side of it. If I had a copy of the picture, I’d probably have to warn you first. It was really dark. So, onto the post, titled:

“Here’s how I feel

I feel so trapped and small”

*Sigh* And I’ll try my best to give you a description from memory. I stared at it for a long time, I recall. I remember a figure wrapped in chains. The art style had a very dream-like quality to it, the colours all dark and texture sort of… messy? *Sigh* Anyway, the person in chains had tears streaming from her eyes, and no mouth. The chains lead upwards into puppet strings to those marionette-style crosses. It was good art, but knowing who was behind it, it really scared me. Especially since she hinted in her previous post that she might not see anything to live for. She felt so trapped and like she didn’t have a voice. So I thought it over, and I decided to message her words of encouragement. This was our first interaction.

I told her that I loved looking at her art, and that it brought me a lot of joy when she came up on my dashboard. That I was half deaf, and although I couldn’t get the full picture, I got some of her struggle. I encouraged her that her art was already good enough for commissions without art school.

I’m sure she got a lot of messages like mine, because she never responded directly. Instead, she posted this message on her blog the next day.

“Got a lot of messages

A ton of people messaged me to give me words of encouragement after my post yesterday. I’m sorry I worried everyone, I just needed an outlet to express myself, you know? But people also messaged me to tell me that I’m good enough already to do commissions without art school. I don’t think you’re right, but I’ll think about setting something up. My Dad probably won’t let me make a paypal, but maybe you can pay me in Steam games or something, idk?”

A little later, she reblogged the post and said: “Everyone sending me messages and words of encouragement, thank you! It really means a lot”

I was really happy that I reached out to her, and due to what she posted, It felt more or less like she was thanking me directly. By this point, I was invested in her struggle, and I made sure I’d always message her again if she needed me to.

Alright, we’ve made it to the last post of the episode. It’s kind of exciting, because it’s the mark of a really good thing happening in Emmy’s life. It’s well deserved, and I remember being very happy for her whenever a post of this type came up. I don’t want to spoil it, but I guess the title kind of does that for me, *chuckle* It’s titled:

“I Think I Met Someone

I was playing a lot of Overwatch today, what else is new? LOL. It was the first comp game of the day, and we got Anubis. So I instalocked Mercy like I always do. Anyway, me and the Dva player, her name was EmeraldSkies, were wrecking face together. It was pretty great, actually! Obviously I wasn’t in voice chat, as that would be a whole lot of useless. People usually get mad at me for it, and try and force me to join, but she was chill about it. After the game ended (in a win for us, of course) I got a friend request from her, so I accepted. We ended up chatting for a bit, and then we ended up duoing for a while. I really liked playing with her, and she didn’t pressure me at all to join chat, even if my excuse for why I couldn’t was half assed.

I had to go eat lunch after a while, I gave her my discord and she actually accepted! After I got back online, we talked for a bit, and it was really fun! Idk, she’s just so upbeat and seems so deep. Plus she’s totally not at all judgemental. I really really like her already, is that weird?”

See, I told you it would be exciting! I’m personally a big fan of instant connections. *Sigh* I’ve had a few really intense ones in my life, and they’re always something else. I choose to think of this interaction between her and EmeraldSkies as one of those instant connections, rather than Emmy jumping the gun about developing feelings. There’s just so many people in Overwatch at any given time that running into any given person is pretty rare. She doesn’t talk about it yet, but this may be the point where she starts to question whether or not she believes in fate. Though, I’m sure that’ll be something we talk about later on.

Thank you for listening to this episode of The Black Box Readings! Again, I have no idea what sort of reception the first episode received, since I’m recording this before it releases. I tried to match the energy of the first episode today, and I hope my personal rants mix well with the readings. Follow me on Twitter at TheCrookedGavel to stay up to date on this and other queer podcasts. Feel free to contact me there as well. This is An Capuano, signing off!

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santiagostyle · 7 years

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hi this is me sending u every single emoji from the ask meme bc im too lazy to type out just the ones i want to ask

dammit jo why u gotta do this to me (jk I’m excited) (also I deleted some questions bc I’m stupid and idk what half of them mean or how to answer them COOL)

Send me emojis!

(hella long post sorry in advance)

☝ - How tall are you?

5′6″ I’m pretty sure

✔ - Sexual Orientation

Lmao good question

🚬 - Do you Smoke?

I mean ??? No but I’ve tried it does that count

🍷 - Do you Drink?

On occasion yes

♒ - Do you Take Drugs?

Negative

😳 - Age you get mistaken for?

TBH either 15 or 25 there is no in between

💉 - Have Tattoos?

Nope

✏️ - Want any tattoos?

Maybe?? Most likely a Florence lyric (”I’m gonna be free and I’m gonna be fine”) but I have no idea where I would get it

✂️ - Got any Piercings?

I have three piercings in each earlobe

✌ - Want any piercings?

Maybe a cartilage piercing or something idk

👌 - Best friend?

I have several and their names are Sandra, Temiqua, Macy, Layne, Megan, and there’s more ok I’m stressed I can’t list them all I’ll be here all day

♥ - Do you like anyone?

Unfortunately yes I think so but I’m pretty sure I’m getting over it

🎤 - Top 5 favorite bands?

Florence + The Machine, The Fray, Daughter, Prince (and the Revolution/and the N.P.G), The Cranberries

Special mention to: Marina & The Diamonds, Lana Del Rey (I know she’s a singer not a band but I love her don’t @ me)

🎶 - Top 5 favorite songs?

Sucker - Peaches

Salvation - The Cranberries

Lying - Amy Meredith

Caught - Florence + The Machine

America - XYLØ

Special mention to:

Raspberry Beret - Prince (for sentimental reasons)

Shut Up and Dance - Walk The Moon (also sentimental reasons)

Wake Me Up - Avicii (you guessed it)

Regular Touch - Vera Blue

Little Numbers - BOY

😒 - Biggest pet peeve?

People who take advantage of the fact that you love them

📝 - Story from your childhood.

I don’t really have any interesting stories from my childhood but I have one super embarrassing one… when I was little I used to get really really bad migraines pretty often and one time when I was in 1st grade I got super sick super fast and I went outside to get a drink of water and I ended up throwing up on (in? idk) somebody’s backpack and wow it was horrible and I don’t know why I’m sharing this

💬 - I wish…

I wish I didn’t get distracted/frustrated so easily bc I have so many ideas and I don’t have the focus or patience to follow through with a lot of them

‼️ - Something you’ll change?

I mean hopefully I’ll stop procrastinating at some point but that’s unlikely

💦 - What makes you horny?

JFC going to church and hearing the word of the Lord!!!!! anyway this is an inaPPROPRIATE QUESTION (I’m kidding there’s a similar question further down I might be more serious there)

🌟 - A wish you’ll wish for?

Well if I put it here it won’t come true now will it

🔥 - Something spicy you like?

I like green curry from the Chinese restaurant my family always orders from

👃 You hate the smell of ….

Fish ugh

👊 - Something you hate?

Discrimination in any way shape or form ugh

🚶 - Are you single?

Yes

💭 - Favorite foods?

I really love Nutella and burritos (not together)

☀ - Story about your day.

I had an 8:30am lecture so that was fun (sarcasm, people) and then a seminar right afterwards, then grabbed lunch with some pals from uni then came home and read fan fiction tbh my life is wild

💘 - Top 5 celebrity crushes?

Melissa Fumero, Stephanie Beatriz, Andy Samberg, Robert Downey Jr, James Marsters circa 1999-2000

Special mention to: Ian Harding, Jude Law, Camilla Belle, Eliza Dushku, Keira Knightley, Karla Souza, Katie McGrath, Sarah Michelle Gellar circa 2001 jfc I love a lot of people

🎥 - Top 5 favorite movies?

Celeste & Jesse Forever: this movie ruined my life but I love it so much and also refuse to watch it ever again

Last Night: I was so angry at the end of this movie my best friend had to stop me from throwing her computer across the room but GOD it’s so so good

Cruel Intentions: look I was like 15 when I first watched this movie and I was in no way prepared and tbh I am still #shook by how much people got away with in the 90s (and also… SMG with dark hair amirite)

Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows: idk I like mystery movies and Robert Downey Jr and this is such a guilty pleasure movie I watch it all the time

The Emperor’s New Groove: I will fight anyone who thinks this is not the greatest cinematic masterpiece ever created okay I’ve loved it since I first watched it when I was like 2 years old and I still love it just as much now

Special mentions:

Stoker: I studied this movie in school and good GOD I will never understand why the Board of Studies thought it was appropriate to show Year 11 students but it’s so beautifully shot and it’s so weird and bizarre and unsettling and I love it

The Road to El Dorado: a childhood favourite and a comedic masterpiece and I literally forced all my friends to watch it with me on my 18th birthday it was wonderful

Bridesmaids: just bloody hilarious and I remember the first time my mum and I watched it together we were literally in tears by the end of it bc we were laughing so hard

📺 - Top 5 favorite TV shows?

Brooklyn 99: (duh) I don’t even need to explain this one

Utopia: I always describe this show as “the Australian version of The Office” even though I’ve never actually watched The Office but it’s just such wonderful Australian humour and I love it

Summer Heights High: another Aussie classic and good lord it’s so politically incorrect and full of horrible jokes but it’s basically an Australian rite of passage and as such I love it

How to Get Away With Murder: I love trying to solve everything and it’s funny and thrilling and also the cast is so beautiful

Thank God You’re Here: this show isn’t on anymore but I love improv so much and I love all the people who starred on it and god it was hilarious

Special mentions:

Have You Been Paying Attention?, Jane the Virgin, Gilmore Girls

✏ - Random fact about yourself.

I skipped Kindergarten??

✈️ - Where are you from?

Sydney, Australia

🚀 - Where do you wanna visit?

Europe. Just,,, everywhere

😍 - Do you have a crush?

I think so ??? I know I used to but idk if I’m over it yet

😷 - Something you hate eating?

Tomato

🙈 - What makes you shy?

MAKING PHONE CALLS

💃 - Can you dance?

I’m a dancer so I certainly hope so

💏 - Do you love anyone?

I love a lot of people but not romantically if that’s what this question means

👟 - Favorite shoe(s) to wear?

Idk I have this one pair of boots I wear pretty much every day

🌴 - A island you would visit?

I really want to go to Cuba

🌎 - A country you would visit?

Spain

🌀 - Favorite type of weather?

Thunderstorms, if I’m inside

🔮 - Do you believe in luck?

Yes

📱 - What kinda phone do you have?

iPhone SE

📅 - Favorite time of the year?

Christmas

📚 - Career goal you want?

Anything in the arts - acting, taking photos, writing, cinematography, dancing, producing, directing, stage handing, screenwriting, literally anything I’ll take it

🍭 - Favorite Candy?

TBH I love lollipops, specifically Chupa Chups

(story time: one of my Year 12 teachers made a habit of bringing a whole packet of Chupa Chups to class every lesson because our class just would not shut up otherwise)

🍇 - Favorite fruits?

Strawberries, peaches, blackberries

🚘 - Dream car(s)?

I don’t really have one but I used to really want a Mercedes

🚔 - Have you ever been arrested?

Negative

🚑 - Have you ever driven in an ambulance before?

No but I’ve had to call one

🎫 - Do you have a license?

I have my learner’s but can’t drive by myself yet lol I’m working on it

🚼 - Do you have or want kids?

I don’t have any and I don’t know if I want any

🔞 - Are you under 18?

Negative I’m 19

🐶 - Do you own a pet?

No :(

😔 - Something that makes you sad?

The fact that there are so many people struggling (particularly with mental illness) and feeling hopeless/like they don’t have a support system

😡 - What pisses you off?

Literally just discrimination of any kind but also people who are arrogant and condescending and passive aggressive

😏 - What turns you on?

I mean idk I don’t really have a whole lot of anecdotal evidence ya know but generally I’m a pretty tactile person so physical contact is usually a good time I guess

😈 - Are you a freak?

Idk probably

💪 - Do you work out?

I dance and do yoga every week, does that count?

#GOD THIS IS SO LONG I'M SORRY #also nobody is going to read this why did I spend an hour answering it kms #self #not b99 #about me

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