#tbh they don’t have to even be those things bc most of them suck regardless
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now hear me out,,, an au where lan wangji is an editor who works for an erotica publisher and wei wuxian is essentially chuck tingle. (also lwj writes romance novels on the side)
wei wuxian didn’t plan to write erotica he wants to make that really clear, he was actually studying like biomed or something equally “oh wow my parents can brag to the other parents about this”
but, as frequently happens in wwx’s life, he got drunk with nhs, like really drunk and they woke up the next morning with a laptop on the floor beside them and loose paper strewn everywhere
they don’t really remember what they were doing or thinking last night but they’ve both drawn a bunch of really shitty and weird porn (the less said about the anthropomorphic version of wen chao’s pet turtle the better) and wei wuxian has like 20,000 words of an erotica story on his laptop
when he starts reading it, at first he’s like haha what the fuck this is so weird but then it turned out to be really good??? and nhs blushed at some of the ~sexy~ scenes so that’s how wwx knew he was writing the good stuff
anyway they’re sitting there, eating their hangover food and wei wuxian goes so uh my story was good right? and nhs is like yeah it was, top stuff i would buy it and wei wuxian goes what if i actually wrote it,,, haha just kidding,,,,, unless?
and in his defence he doesn’t actually write anything for the story for another like three months but then he finds himself in the middle of exam season and he’s like fuck it stress relief let’s write some erotica
he finishes the book and his exams (which he does well in but whatever) and then spends his summer holidays editing the book
when he comes back, he slaps down a paper copy on nhs’ desk and is like i finished it. nhs, thinking he meant his latest lab write up, opens it up to a random page and starts reading it out loud which was a Mistake
he trails off mid-sentence, and whips around to glare at wwx with all the wrath he can muster. it’s raunchy nhs says and just read it wwx tells him so nhs does
like 2 hours later nhs turns to him and says if it wasnt for you and the librarian staring at me the whole time i definitely would’ve felt something and wwx is like so it’s good? and nhs is like fuck yeah it is but i dont get what you want from me?
pretty much wwx passed out after exams, slept for like 20 hours and then woke up and went i should publish this and decided that nhs should draw the cover art.
nhs agrees of course and a month later wwx self-publishes bc there’s no way he can walk into a publishing house with his porn and not just combust on the spot and he decides to go by the name yiling patriarch
wwx clicks the final button to upload the fic and nhs just toasts him and goes yknow what,, this is the closest you’ve ever gotten to having sex and i’m proud of you
wei wuxian is the man who guarded his first kiss for the first twenty years of his life for someone special,,,, wwx definitely wants his first time to be special and there’s no way he’s putting out for someone he doesn’t think is important & despite having dated before, he’s never gotten close enough to someone to go yeah let’s do it so our boy is still a virgin
so wwx’s entire erotica writing inspiration comes from porn, nhs’ way too in-depth answers as to how his latest date went and uh more porn
wwx blusters about a bit bc how is he meant to respond to that and nhs is like maybe you’ll finally move on from reading those trashy romance novels and read something more exciting and wwx is like how dare you call them trashy!! hanguang-jun is a master of the romance novels!! he understands the heart in a way that no other person has ever!!
and nhs just chugs a bunch of wine and is like yeah hon okay, do you still blush when the main characters hold hands? and wwx is like no! of course not! (it’s a lie, he blushes a lot)
so nothing really happens with the book at first and wwx forgets about it for the most part but then he wakes up one morning and he’s got an extra like RMB 1000 (i dont actually know much about currency so it’s roughly $200 if my quick interneting is legit)
wwx is like wtf? and once he finds out it’s from his novel he’s doubly like wtf? but then he finds out that someone had purchased his book and did a dramatic reading on youtube bc wwx decided that regular erotica was boring and decided to make it satirical or whatever and people loved it??
he’s got nothing better to do so he just goes hm yeah remember that Author i dated who had an “incredible idea that would absolutely amaze The Critics and helped explore his own convoluted mind” let’s make something of that and he writes another book kinda mocking that idea in a very horny way.
he publishes it and someone writes a review of his two books on their blog and now he’s actually starting to get popular - he’s got more money from those two books than he did by working at the local cafe for the whole week
wwx is poor and broke and semi-disowned anyway by this point so he goes fuck it and spends every moment he’s not studying writing erotica.
he publishes another like five books by the time the year is out (i know the maths isnt working here but this is a book world where wwx can just do that via the power of loneliness and friends who egg you on)
also?? he varies his books. some of them are porn parody things a la chuck tingle and some of them are genuine porn and one book was just him writing a recipe book but making it sound as horny as possible
by the time he’s published his like 8th book or so he starts getting reviews that are critiquing his book and most of them boil down to the fact that he needs an editor or something
he ends up asking nhs for help and he’s like oh sweet my brother’s boyfriend works for a publisher who does that sort of thing
cloud recesses actually specialises in erotica and i hate the idea that lqr has spent years reading and editing erotica but sacrifices must be made
(side note that i know nothing about the writing or publishing process so pls don’t judge me too harshly)
wwx goes in with his latest manuscript and ends up arriving like ten minutes late, he rushes into the room sweaty and hot, takes one look at the guy sitting on the other side of the desk, flushes an even brighter red and runs back out of the room. he checks the plaque on the door and walks back in slowly and goes hm i didnt expect you to be so hot
cue lan wangji
lwj has always enjoyed being an editor. what do editor do specifically? idk? edit? regardless, he enjoys it.
while most of the time he’s happy working from this side of things he also likes writing
lwj fucks. he deserves it tbh. but, while he’s had a tonne of one night stands and fuckbuddies, he’s never actually dated someone. so the fact that he’s writing romance novels under the pseudonym hanguang-jun makes his friend jzx laugh a lot
he tried writing porn once and he just couldn’t do it. it was always too clinical or vague and lacked any actual passion bc he was always going oh okay mc sucks a dick but the guy i slept with last week was like a 6.4/10 when it came to sucking dick so maybe mc should also be bad at it or whatever and it just ends up falling apart,,,, but romance he can do
as an editor lwj has pretty high standards for good erotica but he’s really found himself enjoying yiling patriarch’s work even though he’s clearly just been editing himself so when the guy sent cloud recesses an email asking whether they’d be interested in his latest book lwj was ecstatic.
he also didnt expect wwx to be so hot
anyway,,, we now get to enjoy a week of lwj thinking that wwx is super hot but even more annoying and then him deciding that annoying is hot and now wwx is just absolutely amazing and wwx is just panicking the entire time
i want my publisher to rail me so hard wwx texts nhs and nhs just responds has he read the bdsm scene with the alien who has a tentacle dick and a knot yet? and wwx is like no??? nhs just goes shame, it will give him so ideas for if you ever grow a backbone and just ask him out
they publish one book together and nothing happened between them the entire time other than yearning and horniness,, of the heart and body.
when wwx realises this means that he won’t get to see lwj again he immediately writes a new book and like a month later he’s back in lwj’s office, lying on his couch while whining about the cafeteria prices at university
lwj is very enamoured by the fact that wwx is writing erotica and studying biomed bc wow
they do this for like another three books and wwx’s eroticas evolve from here’s a dinosaur man fucking a politician while a mary sue watches on to be like here’s a dinosaur man with black hair and golden eyes and a stern look to his face fucking a politician while a mary sue watches on
and hanguang-jun’s latest book?? i dont want to say that this au’s version of wangxian is hanguang-jun finally finding inspiration to write porn (his muse is wwx of course) and writing the most amazing porn with feelings and plot novel ever,, but it is.
wwx read it five times in the first week and when nhs finally tried to read it he was like uhhh wwx are you a narcissist, the love interest is exactly like you? and wwx is like ??? no???? he’s nothing like me??
anyway one day wwx gets called into lxc’s office and lxc is like so i’ve read your latest book (not the dinosaur man, a serious one with like normal people and not overly humorous thank fuck but still full of lwj yearning) and wwx is like okay? and lxc goes yes, see i was worried that you didn’t care very much for my brother but after reading your book i’m not so sure and wwx gets the weirdest shovel talk ever which is interspersed with like compliments for his porn writing skills
anyway lxc accidentally mentions that lwj writes books too and before he can take it back wwx is like who??? and lxc is like are you fucking stupid?? you told lwj to his face that you loved his books,,, he broke his theme of tender romance to write kinky sex with a character that’s a lot like you and wwx is like .,,,,,,,,, hanguang-jun??? HANGUANG-JUN???!!
lxc barely manages to confirm it before wwx is sprinting out of his office and across to find lwj.
regretfully for everyone else, lwj is in the lobby so thirty people get to hear it when wwx comes in and shouts LAN ZHAN!! back then, i really wanted write porn about you! ... i think i have actually? but i want to write porn about you and i want to be able to do the research to make it accurate! and i also want to go on dates and hold hands and feed each other food! and i love you a lot!
lwj is dying inside bc his brother’s bf is there, his uncle is currently waiting for the elevators and a whole bunch of staff are also there but also wwx likes him??? dinosaur man was lwj??
he goes over and they make out for a really long time right there in the middle of the lobby but no one wants to get between them when they’ve been pining for so long
after that they start dating and they do all the romantic stuff but also,, let’s just say that the next book wwx publishes is a lot more creative than all of his previous books
and they become some writing power couple with horniness of the heart and body and sometimes wwx will be like hey lwj i don’t really know how the logistics of this sex scene will work and lwj will be like we could try it out ourselves? and wwx just pats him on the head and is like im sorry but you dont have enough dicks for it to work ),: better luck next time
#mdzs#modao zushi#wangxian#wei wuxian#lan wangji#im so sorry everyone#i just got the idea and it wouldnt leave me alone#cql#the untamed#mo dao zu shi#have i read any erotica? no. have i read any chuck tingle? also no. am i an editor? no#so this is gonna be very shit#this is why people should be sending me prompts instead of me just writin shit myself#nsfw-ish?
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Listening to the most recent TESD and I have to say Q is kind of a dipshit on there pretty often, but he was on a roll this time, yikes. He was talking about James Franco and it seems his big take away from the multiple sexual harassment claims against him is "poor James Franco", uhhh, what? He then goes on to defend him propositioning a 17yo girl "bc he didn't know" even tho she literally told him she was 17, maybe Q didn't know that, but still, c'mon man 😑. He and Bry basically have no understanding of the power dynamics between celebrities and fans and see "me too" as something that "ruined being a celebrity" in this era bc gosh darn those pesky consequences of ones actions, I guess? He goes on to say that a lot of those claims about various men were from a few bad apples (there is literally zero acknowledgment that the vast majority of these claims are in fact 100% true and that famous men should, oh idk, not harass women regardless of their stature at any point in any of these convos, it's weird) and now you have to "film yourself having sex" bc who knows what these crazy women will claim if you don't, it's just so darn terrifying for these actors/comedians/celebrities! What a ridiculous thing to say, like yeah man, the claims against the men are definitely the worse part of sexual assault occuring, won't someone think of the poor men! 😑😑😑 jfc. For the most part TESD is like listening to my dad and his friends shoot the shit and complain, boring af to the point of being pointless tbh, but this nostalgic idea of "the good ol' days" of f*cking whoever you want consequence free bc you're a celebrity being over and him being sad/mad about it comes up too often for it not to be something he really thinks. Anyways, I think I'm officially done with IJ. I wish Joe, Murr and Sal the best, Q can suck a hemorrhoid though tbh.
Conversations like that were the main reason I stopped listening to TESD. I always tried to give Q the benefit of the doubt since Bry was usually ten times worse than him, and I blamed it on them being friends and Q not wanting to disagree/argue with him on a podcast that is probably primarily listened to by men with the same mentality as Bry, but maybe I shouldn’t be so easy on him because this is unacceptable. It’s just interesting that Q used to claim on there to be “woke” and would state that he’s all for women’s rights and leaned toward more liberal ideas especially when the 2016 election was going on. I just don’t know what to believe anymore. It shouldn’t be difficult to be a man or any other person who does consensual, moral things with others, and it should be obvious that that kind of mentality should be supported. Like I mentioned earlier, they may actually think this way and/or it may be because of the type of people who probably listen to the show. They could be afraid of losing listeners, but they should actually be using their platform to condemn this behavior in male celebrities/others if they’re going to have conversations like this anyway.
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Hi sorry you don’t have to answer this! But I’ve seen you speak about LGBTQ+ and from my understanding you are a part? So I want to ask I have been dealing with my self identity and struggles and I want to ask if you can share experiences and how you find out since I think I am not straight to be sure… Thank you I hope this ask doesn’t put you in uncomfortable place.
yo anon hello!! 👋 no worries, i’m not in any way uncomfortable and i’m always happy to help if i can
first of all, keep in mind that not everyone’s experiences are the same and what i went through in my journey to exploring my sexual identity might be completely different from what someone else went through, hence take what i say with a huge grain of salt and know that everyone’s experiences are perfectly valid
alright hhhhh well my story’s pretty funny actually LMAO i think i already answered this some other time iirc? but yeah i started “having doubts” in middle school. i wasn’t interested in boys, i was genuinely meh in front of any dude my female friends found cute, i never thought about dating and i never thought about marriage. some people (my family) called me a “late bloomer”, my classmates secretly made fun of me for being “gay”.
thing is, i was obviously gay but i didnt know at the time- however everyone else did 💀💀💀 i was out there saying shit like “i wish men didn’t exist” “i wish the planet was only populated by women” and stuff like that on the DAILY and each time my classmates looked at me like 👁👄👁 and it was like the class’ inside joke that i wasn’t a part of. i was bullying victim unfortunately and i was the class punching bag 🚶♀️
one day, i was at my (at the time) best friend’s birthday party and all the girls in class were invited with some boys to her house. i remember we were playing truth or dare, my turn came and i chose truth; there was this girl who hated me with all her heart for no reason whatsoever and loved humiliating me while pretending to be my friend and i was too much of a pushover to say anything to her, anyway bitch started laughing and yelled in front of everyone “IS IT TRUE THAT YOU’RE A LESBIAN?????” and i was ,,,,, pretty much shocked. firstly i thought that was a dirty word, i had never known lesbians irl and i only knew gay men and i kinda associated lesbians with something taboo? i think i was maybe 11 or 12 years old but it was all peer influence, i was lucky to have parents who were never homophobic and never taught me to hate? so this “hesitation” towards this word was something that was instilled into me by my schoolmates who treated it as if it was something shameful and to make fun of. anyway, i told that girl to mind her own business and i was silent and sulking for the rest of the party.
several days later i was at the mall with my parents who asked me what was wrong bc i had been behaving weirdly since the party and i remember telling them exactly “we were playing a game and [girl’s name] asked me if i were…” and i didn’t finish the sentence. “if you were?” and i still was hesitant to answer but then i said “gay” in a really small voice and i remember getting super flustered and feeling so embarrassed?? and my parents just looked at each other and i think that was the start of everything lol in the next years through middle and high school i was so confused about myself i was refusing to label myself bc i thought i was “figuring myself out” and for a long while i thought i was bisexual. i used to tell my ex best friend about these doubts that i had and she was always a bit weird about it 🧍♀️
she randomly asked me shit like “do you wanna have sex with a guy? if you had a boyfriend would you have sex with him? would you suck his dick?” and shit like that and i always was so embarrassed about answering those questions? because my answer was always a straight up no, but i thought something was wrong with me if i didnt wanna do stuff with men. despite that, i still didnt truly question my attraction to men, i just went “yeah i mean all girls secretly think that men are ugly right that’s normal” for SO MANY YEARS LOL i thought everyone had the same experience??? i reached the point where i was 100% sure of my attraction to girls and i was forcing myself to be attracted to men as well bc “that’s the right thing for me”. i forced myself to be enthusiastic when my friends talked about boyfriends, i forced myself to pretend to have a crush on celebrities and THIS IS SO EMBARRASSING BUT LIKE ONE TIME I WAS WATCHING THIS TV SHOW WITH MY MOM AND THERE WAS I THINK ORLANDO BLOOM AS A GUEST AND I GOT THE IDEA OF PRETENDING TO BE HAPPY TO SEE HIM BC I THOUGHT HE WAS “THE MOST BEAUTIFUL MAN EVER” AND I SPENT LIKE HALF AN HOUR INSISTENTLY TELLING MY MOM “LOOK AT HIM HE IS SO ATTRACTIVE OH I AM SO IN LOVE WITH HIM” TO SHOW MY MOM I LIKED MEN 💀💀💀💀💀💀 I DID THAT A LOT IT’S LIKE I WANTED VALIDATION FOR IT i want to bury myself in sand thinking of this
anyway after an extremely failed coming out to my grandma whom i saw for the first time ever expressing disgust at the thought of me potentially being attracted to women i was terrified to do it again and i refused to tell any other member of my family. i still haven’t truly come out and i don’t think i ever will tbh even if i know my parents would love me and accept me regardless i still think of my grandma’s reaction and i start legit crying whenever i think of that
march 2020 comes and i finally accept that i am a lesbian. how did that happen? i was watching harry potter and i went “holy shit i wanna fuck hermione” literally that’s it nothing else. nothing else. that was that. that’s how i knew 100% i was a lesbian and i was tired of pretending i wasn’t. don’t ask me why, don’t ask me how but that’s literally what happened.
and that’s when everything started making sense tbh? like i just felt as if i had a huge huge burden lifted off myself for the first time ever? i said it out loud and i felt happy? the more i said it, the happier i felt? through the years i had always known deep down i didn’t like men, i was just pretending i was, comp-het was hitting me SO HARD and then finally i stopped letting it influence me.
what helped me was asking myself extremely specific questions after that to be sure, in the same fashion my ex bestie used to be weird about it when i “came out” to her. i imagined myself in really specific situations with fantasy boyfriends, i asked myself what i liked about men and the answer was always “nothing”, i asked myself “could i be capable of falling in love with a man?” and the way i was setting standards so high and ridiculous for any human for my “dream man” was the obviously negative answer to that question, i asked myself more intimate questions like “if it came down to it would you ever actually sleep with a man?” and the answer was always a solid no. basically putting myself in theoretical situations is what helped me finally understand. i had done that through the years and my answers were the same since the beginning, but i still refused to admit the truth to myself, until one day i just stopped.
and that’s my journey LOL it’s kinda pathetic tbh,,,,,, i could’ve been much happier with myself if i had just admitted it to myself since the beginning, bc deep down i always knew. would’ve spared me years of not feeling okay with myself, would’ve spared me years of surrounding myself with the wrong people who caused me terrible pain every time i heard them say lesbians are disgusting. but anyway, what’s done is done and i’m just happy now i get to be free and accept myself for who i am, unapologetically. on the internet. bc in real life i’m still traumatized 🚶♀️
i think questions are the easiest place to start. imagine yourself in situations, ask yourself how would you act and why. figure yourself out bit by bit and take your time to understand what you like. don’t ever let yourself feel pressured by anyone, don’t even let yourself feel pressured by the need of labels. don’t let anyone tell you your experiences are wrong or not valid, don’t let anyone tell you there’s a set way to explore your identity, don’t force yourself to do anything you’re not comfortable doing. if you need to vent, my dms are always open. be happy exploring your identity, there is no right way to do it. and remember that you’re always valid. 💜
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another unsolicited relationship advice post:
okay. i know that there’s probably thousands of relationship advice posts on here. but anyway. to my younger followers, if i have any:
if anyone that you’ve just met declares that you’re “girlfriend material” or “boyfriend material” and that you must simply meet their parents NOW! or some other ridiculously short interval (like a week say), instead of, idek, like a month or two into your relationship, know that that is a possible red flag for trying to push the relationship too fast.
i say this as again, bc on some buzzfeed fb post about supposed “nice guys” i commented about my high school stalker/creeper from 2012/2013. who, when i first met him in 2012 at public school, he insisted that after two days of knowing him that i simply “have to meet my (his) mum and my sisters right now! bc you’re girlfriend material and i LOVE you!”
like woah! dude! i’ve known you for a grand total of two fucking days! i absolutely don’t have to meet your family RIGHT NOW (although if i’d ever been stupid enough to actually date my stalker back then, i would’ve had to meet his mum or one of his 4 sisters/all of them at once; at some point anyway…. bc they would’ve had to drive us to dates etc bc neither of us had our Ps (provisional drivers licence here in aus) yet at the time)). because i’m pretty sure the normal window is about 1-2 months? maybe 3-4 months? why the fuck are you so obsessed with the term “girlfriend material”??? what the actual FUCK does that EVEN mean?? get away from me. bc this isn’t love. it’s something else, that i can’t put my finger on.
compare this to clear braces boy from catholic school, who literally took almost 3 years to ask me out; and to even ask for my number. when he’d finally asked for my number right before one set of the winter holidays at the end of term 2/before the start of term 3 in 2010, i was so oblivious as to why he wanted my number…. when he’d never wanted it/asked for it before.
so when he called me, while i was still on the bus home from school, i was panicking like “OH FUCK THATS WHY HE WANTED MY NUMBER!!! HE WANTS TO ASK ME OUT!!!!! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!! WHY THE FUCK AM I SO SLOW AND FUCKING DUMB???!!!” he never pressured me to meet his parents (although at 14/15 it was very obvious that that was a standard practice since we couldn’t drive ourselves anywhere lmao). we were basically on equal footing, except for my slowness with cottoning onto him asking me out and why he asked for my number lol.
CBB had never pressured and harassed me about my virginity. he had NEVER harassed me with porn, most especially while at school, unlike mr creeper who LOVED pulling out his porn filled phone and school laptop to show me his overly violent, degrading and aggressive porn. CBB’s flirting method was showing me norwegian black metal bands (or normal metal bands like parkway drive) and making me watch repeats of family guy on his ipod at lunch bc he loved family guy. he never brought up the term “girlfriend material” ever. he treated me like an actual person. and not his own personal fuck doll, that had holes that were conveniently for sticking his useless and clueless ass teenage dick in, again unlike creeper who was hellbent on wanting to act out his favourite violent etc porn on me to let him “take your virginity in a wonderful weekend of sex down the coast and you have to do all things that I LIKE BC THAT’S THAT AND I SAID SO!!!” 🤮🤮. although if i had progressed further than those few weeks with cbb, and my constant *karen from mean girls voice* *fake cough, fake cough* i’m sick *regina george voice* boo, you whore!” act every time i didn’t turn up on date that he’d asked me on…. maybe he could’ve treated me like that. but i’ll never know lol.
so cbb was unlike mr stalker; who was obsessed with my supposed “girlfriend material” status. mr stalker was obsessed with the fact that i had the ability and audacity to basically tell him “no”, by coyly letting him down with “my dad says i can’t date bc it distracts me from school and getting good marks 🙄😑” (which probably wasn’t true, looking back lmao)….. where he then whined PUBLICLY on facebook about it, with a status like “today sucks”… and then naming and shaming me in the comments when someone asked in the post comments what was wrong like: “*insert my name here* said no! she’s being a bitch!”. that at the time, made me roll my eyes and still does today when i think about it. because bro. i had literally only known you for two fucking days at that point. of course i’m going to say no. what the hell??? two days is nowhere near enough time to know a person well enough (although the conversation we had together on misguided trip to his house one day while we were wagging (skipping class/playing hooky for americans) aboriginal studies told me MORE THAN ENOUGH about his piece of shitness tbh) to “date” them imo.
because to me, the title “girlfriend material” doesn’t mean any fucking thing. but when it comes from a creep like mr stalker; it means “you’ll be my girlfriend forever and have my kids bc you’re such a nice girl and you’ll fix me bc that’s what nice girls like you do; bc you’re SO LOYAL AND NICE!” which i also saw as a MASSIVE RED FLAG back then, because we were literally 16yo kids (he literally told me this when we were on his bed in his bedroom in the aforementioned misguided trip to his house). and i also saw it as a red flag bc…. just because i’m “loyal” and “nice” doesn’t mean that i’ll spend LITERAL Y E A R S trying to “fix you” while you fuck around and never bother to change your behaviour all bc you think it’s “girly” to do just that. it definitely DOES NOT MEAN that i’ll have KIDS with you, what the actual fuck. like i’m a hopeless romantic, to an extent, mr creeper. but not to the extent where i’ll give myself up to someone like you, all because i’m “nice and caring” and it’s apparently what “nice girls do!!!” or whatever else fucked up guilt trip views you’ve got on why girls/women supposedly have to waste their time with and on you.
and also, on another front. CBB never FOLLOWED me home (considering he lived in a suburb 20mins away from mine lmao and we both lived at least 15mins away from the catholic school we attended) despite me telling him REPEATEDLY to “fuck off and walk home your way”….. whereas unfortunately, mr creeper lived just over the other side of my suburb.
so one day mr creeper decided to stalk me home (despite me saying the above “fuck off and walk home your way” comment constantly to him in the 10min walk home). and then when we got to my street and in front of my house he decided to joke that “oh now i know where your house and bedroom are, i’ll come to hide under your bed naked one day!!!! and when you get home (bc i’ll obvs do it when you’re out doing something), you’ll just have to FUCK ME because you’ll be so surprised that im there and ready to fuck you!” as if i’d be so overcome with supposed lust & love for him, after knowing that he’d broken into my room against my will and messed with my shit….. all for some cutesy love prank…. like in, idk, love actually (???) or himym (specifically the “naked man!” episode from season 4) or some other shitty romcom. bc no. you’re overstepping SO MANY fucking boundaries that i’d literally call the police on your stupid fucking stalker ass. what the actual fuck.
finally, cbb never forced me to try to kiss him, unlike mr stalker…. who whenever he got the chance, he’d grab my head and force me to kiss him…. and then gave me back the utterly disgusting & controlling GALL to tell me that i was “kissing wrong” and whinge/bitch that i “wasn’t into it”. and then he’d force me to kiss him again with a “im so sorry does this fix it 🥰🥺???” like NO???!!! forcefully kissing me DOES NOT FUCKING FIX ANYTHING YOU STUPID CUNT! please just get the FUCK away from me. like if you force me into anything, of course i’m not going to enthusiastically enjoy it??? and moreover, don’t you think it’s YOU who is “kissing wrong” (whatever the FUCK that bullshit actually means) and not me???? why do you think GRABBING MY HEAD and FORCING me to kiss you is appropriate in ANY of these situations????
just. to end this. to anyone and everyone, regardless of their gender/sexuality/age etc. NEVER trust anyone who uses the term “girlfriend material”/“boyfriend material”, to describe you, most especially when you’ve JUST MET them.
they’re using it as a means to control you and possibly trap you into an unhealthy (or potentially abusive) relationship like i would’ve had with my stalker/creeper. but most especially, this goes out to my younger followers, if i have any. be aware of this. watch out for the small red flags and run at the earliest time.
#life#about me#shut up ilona#relationships i guess#i’ve probably said this before lol#i can’t remember though
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PREACH IT!! SAY IT LOUDER FOR TH3 PEOPLE IN THE BACK!! *stands up and claps*
Just your comment, please I want to tattoo that entire response on my forehead so people could understand some stuff fjshdhsh. I very much agree with everything you have said, like I do think the bighit deal was more so with the help of say with western connections (which again does NOT mean pledis could have done this without bighit. They clearly could but I saw a theory on a YouTube comment where someone said they focused on the core fanbase aka in Korea which is their main market and it paid off imo) from helping with buisness side of things like we do have merch to buy directly (which I have my opinion on some merch ideas like why the fudge is bighit selling us water!? Bro you thought that worked with bts doesn't mean it will with seventeen) which wasn't common in the past or being able to film concerts with ease during the pandemic. Bighit clearly acknowledges that seventeen is a monster group in their own right I mean as you said, they break records and are 2nd behind bighits own group. They are EXTEMELY big in Japan. They are their own song makers, bang pd confirmed this when pleids was first announced in a press video so the fact people brush all of their achievements and statements because why, their streaming numbers are low?
And oohh such an interesting point as well! Very much i think the current mindset of kpop fans (or at least some) is that streaming is what equals success which to some degree, yes but as you said, many ignore the casual side of listening. People that find the song due to it being viral for whatever reason, a fancam getting popular like in the cass of hani from exid or whatever reason. Dwc is a great example and I saw those comments under their recent performance of that song and it makes me proud that the boys have a song like that. That it has its own "fanbase" quote on quote with how well loved that song simply is and well known. You don't have to have fans doing crazy streaming to be considered "popular", I mean I could give more examples but I don't wanna make this too long nor cause unwanted fandrama lol. Those casual listeners are extremely important and powerful I mean brave girls is a great recent example of that I think! It very much does seem like that when looking at the views, its mainly the core fanbase which isn't bad nor should we feel bad for not having crazy numbers. They seem more organic if that makes sense? Plus I agree, we can stream and can explain how it works, clearing up confusion about it like no emojis don't take down views and yes youtube does take away views but that is due to it making sure it isn't bots only viewing the video. Explaining that streaming should be done with a chill mindset and its ok if you don't stream. But hey, maybe we're too weird of fans to think like this fjajdjajs.
But some few updates! Seventeen is back on Instagram, fully everyone is posting away. Makes me happy hehe m, a bit funny it took so long for them to comeback but am happy nonetheless. The interactions that seungkwan does makes me super soft. Seventeen are also back with doing proper promotions so yay (also pledis is S Wording people over the mingyu issue finally so bless). As for me on the personal side of things. I have OFFICIALLY finished that video game ^_^ it took me a while but I have finished it, my last goodbye was completed and am at ease so to speak? Lowkey am planning on beating all the trophies in the game cx also may I ask about your thoughts on the album? Favorite songs, have you bought the physical cd?
ok finally getting around to this lol!!
and yeah that's absolutely true, pledis focused on kr promotions/fanbase first and foremost (and then expanded to Japan and is now looking toward the US/western promos in general). which i agree was a good thing. i think some companies get too greedy with wanting a group to be ~internationally famous~ that they ignore their Korean fanbase a bit too much and I've seen groups that have failed bc of it, so I'm glad that didn't happen w SVT
and yeah in terms of merch I'm genuinely grateful as an american that for this cb at least there was a US distributor which made things super convenient but wtf is going on w hybes merch those water bottles are not it TT it just sucks to see bc it's clear that at least as far as merch goes hybe doesn't have an interest in like. doing market research to figure out what carats want. which is funny bc they don't even have to start from scratch they could literally just ask pledis?? and tbh what's sad is i don't think hybe is like. purposefully trying to sabotage SVTs merch from my limited perspective i get the feeling they treat all their groups merch like that :( but since us carats have seen in the past what kind of merch we're capable of getting it's disappointing to see such a downgrade. and like tbf pledis's merch decisions were never perfect like that time they tried to sell replicas of the SVT rings and carats were rightfully pissed bc those are something the members earned, not something to be bought. and i also don't think hybe never has or never will make good merch, I'm sure they're fully capable of it. but it just seems obvious that they've put WAY less if any effort into understanding both the market (ie carats) and seventeens brand compared to pledis so like of course most carats aren't gonna like it :/ i really hope they step up their game and do better research or bring ppl onto the team who better understand svt's brand
and yeah i very much agree with everything u said about streaming! tbh i think this mindset isn't as uncommon as you might think, I've actually met a fair number of kpop fans who are critical of streaming culture but as u know there also are a lot of ppl who are really into it and those ppl tend to have the loudest voices. and unfortunately part of streaming culture is that if you question the methods or don't participate you must be a bad fan or secretly an anti or something ridiculous like that. so ppl who aren't into streaming culture end up learning to not be too vocal about it bc of how bad the backlash can be
yes! I'm glad to see insta line (+ now dk!!) active again. i still wonder why pledis made them stop using their ind instas, like I know all the theories people have as to why but honestly none that I've seen seem to fully make sense. it will probably be one of those things where we'll just never know the full story. but i digress!! regardless of the reason I'm just glad to have them back after all this time ^^
congrats on finishing the game! I'm glad it was able to help you work through your grief a bit and that you feel more at ease now ;-; and good luck with the rest of the trophies if you end up trying to get them!
as always I'm answering this a bit late so you may have seen already but i did get the physical album! it was a birthday gift so i only got it the other day, but according to my mom it arrived almost immediately after the album was released so as i said before, I'm very grateful for the US shop this time around ;-; as for the songs usually it's easy for me to pick one or two favorites but this time around it's genuinely a 4-way tie between heavens cloud and all the unit songs TT (i also love anyone and RTL, they're just slightly lower on the list in terms of preference if u get what i mean). i really hope some time in the future we get some kind of performance or special video or something for heavens cloud, since so many carats and the members themselves seem to really love it. i also think it's a song that brings up such beautiful imagery that it would be a shame if it never got any type of visual representation, you know? I'm also really curious to see a performance of wave, since iirc the members said the choreo is a lot more laid back/different from other perf unit choreos?? + that song also evokes such great imagery for me that like... makes feel like it needs some kind of movement so I'm just itching to see a performance. kind of like... even if i didn't know it was a perf unit song i would think it would be great to choreograph to if that makes any sense dhfkf. but yeah overall i think it's just a really solid album, as expected from summerteen ^^
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sending u this ask as an opportunity for u to talk to me abt fi!! i love ur thoughts n words on things nd i don't send asks as much bc i don't have. good words to talk to u abt stuff but i rlly enjoy just. ur Passion nd stuff. autistic people r the best at talking abt stuff i stand by that we r just Epic. anyways if u wanna, i'd love to hear more about just... how fi sorta. changes, over the game? like the Little Things that show her starting 2 care abt link more, or becoming more "human"!
i love this whole ask. you’re right autistic folks r sexy as hell idk how the divine powers that be fit so much passion into my tiny body but i’m glad they made the attempt.
ANYWAYS FI. i don’t think i’ve ever actually laid this out because for the most part it is incredibly subtle and requires a lot of filling in gaps yourself, and i think that someone who cares less abt her can probably come away from it with an entirely different interpretation. fi’s development of actual feelings are a very sudden a mysterious thing, and i have a LOT of thoughts about them going in a lot of different directions so forgive me if this answer isn’t particularly linear or coherent. i’m not just gonna talk about her slow burn into feeling things, i’m also gonna talk about... why i think it happens.
we don’t get to learn a lot about sword spirits and how they come into being, other than it takes great power to enchant a sword with a spirit/temper a sword with one inside it. hylia obviously created fi and, presumably, demise created ghirahim, and they are pretty much as opposite as two people can be with their only real characteristic in common being precision, intelligence & otherworldly loyalty to their respective masters.
we thus don’t get to learn how much control the creator of a sword spirit has over what kind of spirit comes of it, if their personalities are organic to their experiences or crafted from the moment they awaken. what i mean by this is like... ghirahim could have been a cold, calculating AI like fi when he was first tempered and gained his dramatics over time, we have no idea how long he’s been alive in comparison to her, if his personality is so much more extroverted because he was allowed a life outside his blade whereas fi was isolated in hers for millennia. or if he just came into creation immediately ready to scream and stick his tongue in ppl’s ears.
i swear to god i’m going somewhere with this. ok. anyways.
fi in the beginning of skyward sword is, i think, how most people remember her--data-interested, icy, and detached. there is a reverence in how she addresses link from the start, even before he formally becomes her wielder, but beyond that she is calculating and precise and rarely wastes words. all of this kinda paints a picture of hylia creating fi, to me--breathing life into the spirit and willing her to be effective, be efficient, be loyal, and be sharp. when you have that image in your head, a lot of how fi operates makes sense--she wasn’t created to have emotions, because emotions get in the way of what her purpose is. hylia made a weapon and a servant, not a friend. it sucks to think about, but that is fi’s purpose.
the game is very careful, however, to show you it’s not that simple from the beginning. because hidden in Ice Queen Fi’s introduction is... a surprising amount of personality.
like this shit, where she straightup just dunks gaepora in the trash because his #Lore is out of date. it’s hysterical because you really do not know if she’s just a) an AI who doesn’t understand when she’s being kinda Rude or b) being snarky On Purpose. and that ambiguity in itself crafts this beautiful air of mystery where you, from the get go, don’t entirely know what to expect of fi all the time.
or this, which she says directly after link hesitates to accept the blade:
this scene, which people who have edgier takes on fi constantly use to paint her as intentionally manipulative, where all i see is... her using emotional validation to calm link down enough for him to take in what’s happening. a really important thing about fi is that she’s paradoxically an empath? she can read auras and detect emotion with extreme precision even if she’s incapable of feeling it herself in the beginning. so she knows everything link is experiencing here, understands that it’s holding him back, and takes care to deconstruct the whirlwind of emotion he’s collapsing under and explain to him why he can and should trust her words.
again this is all in her introductory scene. they write her very specifically to be a seemingly flat character with this... rumbling of something more going on under the surface. so much so that the first time you get to a sacred spring and fi, completely randomly, just starts skating across the water’s surface and speaking ancient poeticisms to you, you don’t question it. you’re not like hey, why is sword alexa doing a little dance? you just accept it as something fi is doing, because fi always feels like she’s at her job, and you don’t know how she acts outside of work, but you kinda feel like maybe you want to.
fi’s affinity for music is another way they insert humanity into an AI without making you think too hard about it. singing and dancing are inherently human, artforms are something we associate with the heart and soul. even teaching a robot to paint is, in itself, an art project crafted by a human hand. but you don’t really... consciously think about that, when you watch her do these things. you just kind of accept that she is this otherworldly thing guiding you. you don’t think about the contrast of this programmed assistant performing music alongside you in a sacred ritual. you’re just kind of like, yeah? i can’t JUST play nayru’s wisdom on my harp, i need someone who can sing and god put a vocaloid in my sword???
throughout the game, fi’s dialogue chains when you summon her don’t change in any meaningful way (besides based on what you’re carrying, where you are, etc) but as you near the end, there are a couple things of note. one that sticks out to me is what she says about one of the mid-game minibosses, who is also an artificial intelligence--
a lot of people laugh abt this line and make jokes about fi being hot for the tall handsome robot pirate and they’re valid. but the thing is, like, from the beginning of her mission, fi knew she’d essentially be dying once the world was saved. and early game fi has no hesitations about her part in things regardless, because, as we know, she wasn’t created to feel things like that. she wasn’t created to fear death, to grow attached to life or anyone in it, or to experience sorrow at the idea of saying goodbye. but this is mid-game fi, who still... never says anything she doesn’t deem entirely necessary, but she says this. for no discernible reason, she says this. it’s an unskippable dialogue option, one they WANT you to see and one that is different when you know where she ends up. admiration is already something you wouldn’t really expect of her, but it’s more than that--she’s longing for her own story to mirror it. by the sand sea, fi has started to realize she doesn’t want to go to sleep.
it’s another one of those moments where you’re kinda like, ‘haha, what, fi?' and then move on. another one of those moments where she kinda does something a little unexpected, but not so unexpected you question it too hard. fi excels at those.
before you go off to fight demise, fi stops you to warn you that it is the final battle, and you cannot return. and when you tell her you’re ready, she says this:
as i’ve said, fi doesn’t waste words. almost always, everything she says is for the purpose of efficiency, and rarely does she offer thoughts without fixed probabilities and ultimate endgoals in mind.
this is a sentiment.
it serves no purpose. it is purely an expression of devotion.
and because of EVERYTHING i’ve mentioned thus far, this line both hits you HARD as significant and foreboding in how suddenly tender it is, AND manages to read as in-character for her to say. because the way they write fi’s humanity is so beneath the surface, so easily missable, so hard for me to even lay out with concrete evidence despite the fact that i’m a person who reads a text dump of all her dialogue before bed every night.
but to me, what lays out fi’s inner workings best is actually her actual goodbye, and... not the moment most people would think, tbh? it’s not her tender farewell that speaks her emotions loudest to me, but the moment right before:
these lines, which would read as perfectly in character if it were early game fi, cut you. her complete and utter flippancy, the way she talks about all you’ve been through together as though it were nothing to her, the absolute coldness here after everything. you as a player feel kind of pathetic when she says this, like you were misguided in growing attached to her and thinking of her as a friend. and you KNOW thats the intended effect, because this is what link looks like:
he takes a moment in that last shot to like. swallow sadness and turn away from her, but even as he’s turning his head, he doesn’t take his eyes off her until the last possible moment. she hurts his feelings! why.
because it’s an act, is why. of COURSE fi loves him. of course she’s grown attached to him, of course she’s happy to have known him, of COURSE they’re friends. but fi was NEVER supposed to feel that way, she was never supposed to have the capability to love, and there’s no calculation she can run to set the uncertainties of that at ease within herself. so those lines up above is her trying her best to reset herself to who she was in the beginning, to snap herself back into the role of an emotionless servant to the goddess, to convince herself--not link--that saying goodbye won’t hurt. she’s trying to cope with something she has no idea was in the cards for her, and that’s why she’s seemingly so cruel for a moment.
all of this becomes apparent when she calls him back moments later and tells him how she really feels. there’s major whiplash because fi herself is Going Thru It. but essentially what’s happening in that moment is she thinks she knows what will hurt the least, but she miscalculates and backpedals and realizes even if saying goodbye hurts, it hurts less than pretending she doesn’t want to.
i think a lot of people overlook that line--“the most precious data i have on record.” fi, who contains multitudes within her. who contains knowledge immeasurable, the thoughts and feelings and stories of thousands. of civilizations, of gods, of countless ages passed. everything she holds within her is dwarfed entirely by what she feels for link, beside link. nothing in her encyclopedic knowledge can even compare to her friendship with him in the significance it has to her. like all things, fi has her own way of communicating her meanings, and this is her way of saying she really, truly loves him.
in addition, she very carefully does this after he abandons the sword, so it’s clear that it’s of her own will, not a part of her purpose as his servant. for this whole cutscene, up until she end, she drops the honourific and calls him just Link.
and while i see a lot of people debate if she truly does ‘feel,’ anything, like... she says it right here, she does. whether or not she was able to feel from the beginning or not, she can feel now. she has trouble putting words to those feelings, or explaining to herself and others where on earth they came from... but she feels now. that cannot be disputed.
happiness that she was able to know him. loyalty she wants to transcend lifetimes. sorrow at the idea of them having to part. gratitude that he took the chance, and did so beside her.
let’s talk about gratitude.
in skyward sword, gratitude is a tangible source of magic. it opposes malice, which as of botw is a reoccurring thing in zelda lore. skyward sword has two items--evil crystals and gratitude crystals--that represent malice and gratitude respectively. while the first isn’t entirely relevant, the second is something you’re actively encouraged to more or less harvest by helping people and basking in their thanks toward you. these feelings of gratitude are so canonically powerful in the zelda universe that they can turn monsters into humans entirely, and the outpouring of energy that event causes makes every monster & hostile creature within all of skyloft turn docile at once.
according to batreaux, the monster in question, this is well-established legend, the idea of gratitude granting humanity to the nonhuman. skyward sword literally said the power of love was canon.
the song that plays over the goodbye, of course, is called fi’s gratitude.
this is just one theory i have on the matter, but... whether hylia intended or foresaw fi to be capable of feeling human emotion or not, i do believe it was gratitude that woke her heart up. whether she was meant to love or not, link’s spirit contained within it enough love for the both of them, enough to touch her soul and rouse her from her cold and emotionless state. as always, through everything, they work in perfect tandem--his passionate heart touches hers as it sleeps, her wisdom holds him steady and level-headed.
when fi says “may we meet again in another life,” she says it like a prayer, because it is one--she knows hylia, knows that hylia loved link’s spirit just as she did, and knows that hylia of all people understands what the sword spirit is going through. and fi also knows that hylia immortalizes those she loves with cycles, with reincarnation, eternal life without the pain of never dying. fi doesn’t have a soul that hylia can bring back from death nor a physical body to revive, but she works with what she can--and so long as link’s spirit breathes anew, he finds fi. in a sunlit grove, with light bearing down on her, safe and warm and always loyal, even as the world rages on outside. fidelis, she was named for--“faithful.”
the fandom doesn’t really talk abt it, but fi is an angel. she’s an angel god sent to watch over one human, and when god said your mission is complete fi faced god and walked backwards into hell. her divine mission is long passed, but it stopped being about what she was fated to do long ago.
fi began to watch over link because he was her master. and fi resolved to stay forever because he was link.
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ok i still havent gotten the secret ending but farming for it might take me a bit so im gonna make a thoughts post for age of calamity now:
Major spoilers obvs so ill put it under a read more
things i enjoyed:
revali beatdown simulator
the controls for the divine beasts are a bit clunky, but i think the angles they used for them did an excellent job at really making the player feel like we were actually controlling a divine beast. so i think it was done well.
link’s personality really gets to shine full force in this game with the amount of cut scenes and it was wonderful to see
every character clearly had a lot of love put into how they operate. they truly all feel unique, & all of their play styles fit them really well in my opinion
the game does a really good job of making you understand what a real threat the monsters are. like in botw they’re intimidating at first, but once you’re far enough into the game they become just an inconvenience to work around if anything. this game managed to actually make certain monsters intimidating for me again, and i think that’s a real accomplishment
the blight battles are actually somewhat challenging in this game and that is truly a commendable achievement lol i think all the bosses are good tbh. i didnt rly dislike or not enjoy any of them.
the way daruk and link’s friendship & urbosa’s motherly relationship towards zelda got to shine was. so good. it’s all i could’ve ever wanted
seeing the descendants again was really nice & it was awesome to see the champions interacting with them!! especially sidon and mipha omggggg. that was. really fucking good shit
kohga. just. kohga in general. getting to see more of him was really rad, he’s such a fun guy! and his english va was Excellent. you could really tell he was having a lot of fun playing him, and it was lovely to see! :)
zelda getting to really shine in this game was also lovely to see. and her being so assertive and badass by the end? omg. it was so wonderful especially after botw. man.
the combat is done very well imo. im rly glad that they took so many elements from botw, but also added their own flares to make it feel fresh. it was rad.
sidon’s tagline is “winning smile” and his power is “boundless optimism” and i think that’s beautiful
the music in this game is SOOOOO good oh my god. multiple times during playing i had to pause to just appreciate it. it’s pretty much all remixes of botw with a few originals for the new characters, but they all slap. there was not a single song in this game i didn’t like. it is definitely one of my favorite video game soundtracks officially. maybe one of my favorite overall soundtracks in general tbh.
the visuals obviously look just like botw, but it still looked fucking gorgeous at some points. like. man. they really went off to make it look not only faithful to botw as far as appearance goes, but also as far as capturing botw’s beauty and it was. excellent to see!
if anything is true to botw’s backstory, it’s definitely how op link is. cause he was established to be op in botw, & when u finish botw he is also op as hell. he is so fun to play as the higher leveled he gets. he absolutely kicks ass. especially with a two-handed weapon??? daaaaammmmnnn. thats my badass baby boy!!!!
link eating rocks not once, but TWICE. just showing PEAK gremlin energy. 10/10 for those scenes they were great
the ending was really beautiful actually and i did cry like a little baby for it what about it
things i didn’t like:
obviously first and foremost.. this is not the game we were advertised. and no matter how much i overall enjoyed the game, it will always have some layer of being tainted attached to it due to the false advertising. this is not the prequel we thought we’d be getting. & not using “prequel” specifically doesn’t matter when all the advertising, including the box art talks about this being the story of what happened 100 years ago. with no indication it wasn’t the story of what happened 100 years ago in the botw timeline, but a separate universe/timeline entirely. i do hope we get dlc for the game at some point giving us what we were advertised, but at the same time... rly wish that the story that’s in the final game was dlc, & the story we were promised was the original :/ or just having the game have two separate storylines originally would’ve been cool. i just wish it wasn’t falsely advertised.
fort hateno can fucking eat my whole entire shit WHY is that part so needlessly obnoxious compared to everything else oh my god
being forced to fulfill revali’s power fantasy TWICE hurt my soul
fuck any mission where you have to protect the useless hylian guards. i hate them. they suck.
the ai for player characters when you aren’t playing as them can also be pretty useless. it was really frustrating failing missions because my fellow party members weren’t helping me, and i was basically expected to be in two places at once to get shit done myself. :/ ik you can just switch between characters to make it easier, but like. i like playing as link the most. he’s my favorite character, & ofc since he’s mandatorily played for most of the story, he’s gonna be the most leveled up character regardless so he’s just the best to play as in general especially for harder missions. it was annoying to be forced to play as other people Solely cause the ai was so useless.
king rhoam’s attempt at a redemption arc. i’m not sorry that i just fucking hate this man. i don’t mind him entirely in botw bc you can see clear, genuine remorse during the cut scene at the end of the great plateau. but the redemption arc he gets in this game? after all the fucking shit he does in this game? especially when after his ~redemption arc~ i had to sit through a cut scene of him being an absolute fucking asshole to baby zelda after her mother just died????? absolutely fuck that shit. i don’t appreciate that crap at fucking all. he’s a verbally abusive piece of shit and i hate his guts.
obviously there was gonna be some retconning of how certain things worked in botw in order to make this kinda game work but the way sheikah technology works in this game is so goddamn confusing i do not get it. the works of botw are never outright said or explained completely, but it’s straightforward enough that it doesn’t really matter. this game does try to explain certain things and it just becomes. really clunky and confusing very quickly.
the story is alright, i guess, but..... really confusing/convoluted as hell at times to a point that it’s. really fucking distracting. especially in comparison to how straightforward botw’s story is. like..... cannot help but be annoyed that such a problem wouldn’t have been a thing if they stuck to botw’s story.
i was sad when the egg thing died but i dont like the egg thing.... it is the MAIN reason shit was retconned so much & i just. dont get its purpose. but i did really like the reveal that zelda made it herself. that was good shit!
also the egg glitched out like. a LOT. idk what the fuck was going on with the poor thing but there was multiple times during a cut scene or when i was just sitting there that it was freaking out in the background and it was rly weird
elemental overworld boss monsters................. obnoxious. especially elemental guardians like goddamn bro what the fuck
i know warriors’ games aren’t about exploring anyway but the limitations for exploring was really sad/frustrating. this is still somewhat the world of hyrule before the calamity, which is something we’ve always wanted to see. not being able to explore even the immediate area at certain points because of shit like timed missions was really upsetting, man. :( i just wanted to see hyrule castle Before the calamity why was did they have to rob us like that.....
creepy corrupted egg’s transformation. why. what was that. what the fuck
even though i did enjoy the boss fights, it did get. incredibly taxing eventually to have to fight the SAME bastards so many times. like yeah botw is also guilty of this with the blights, but goddamn.... at least i have a choice to avoid certain encounters with them? this game has you fighting the same bitches like upwards of 3-4 times. it was. really annoying tbh. like the fights themselves are enjoyable, but damn we added new characters and it still inevitably lacked variety in boss fights.
no playable kass >:( if he’s available later in dlc then fine but i wish he was playable in the original game. so many random choices you’d never expect are. why couldn’t he also be there >:(
overall:
it will forever have that sour taste for the false advertising attached to it unfortunately, but that aside, i overall did enjoy the game! i think it has a lot to love in spite of the issues i encountered. as someone who has this as their first warriors game as well, it did lend itself to letting me see the appeal of them. idk if i’ll get more, but i do get why they’re so beloved/popular now. it was an alright time, with some amazing highlights that i’m gonna think back on very fondly for a very, very long time. if i had to rate it..... 7/10
#hw#aoc#hw aoc#hyrule warriors#age of calamity#legend of zelda#botw#danni plays hw aoc#mine#long post#v long post sorry lol i have so many thoughts/feelings
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Final Wrap-up for Chapter One
((since chapter one will be coming to a close shortly and there is still an assortment of questions left over, here is a masterpost of responses to queries that couldn’t be addressed during the story!
[reminder: the ask box will be left open, however the characters are not available. please keep in mind that non-plot related questions will not be answered by the characters after this post.]
Anonymous said: ((Just wanted to tell you your drawings are so pretty and I love ur blog. That is all I have no braincells to ask questions))
Anonymous said: OKAY MOD I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW I LOVE THIS AU SO MUCH AND ITS SO COOL AND GOOD AND YOUR ART IS TOO!! sorry for caps I’m just excited
Thank you! Sorry I didn’t always get around to answering asks like this, but for every one that was sent in, I appreciated it with all my heart. You guys are angels 💖
Anonymous said: What is one haunted location you guys would really like to visit someday?
Poveglia is definitely the highest on the list for the notoriety alone, although they would likely never get the permission to go (the history in general is almost excessively horrible and tragic, so nothing good would come out of doing an episode there. Maybe it’d be good as a final-chapter type location? 🤔).
@anxious-fander-bean said: Hey Logan, have you ever tried swing dancing? It's really fun and good excersize! There's also a lot of bouncing and upbeat music, so Patton might enjoy it as well! ((I'm doing it. I need the qpp boys to be happy and have fun, bc they deserve it.))
(LOGAN: I’ll...consider it.)
You did it, you got them to go on some good ol’ platonic dates! B)
Anonymous said: I feel bad that I don't have any deep question or something along those lines, but what's your favorite thing to bake, Pat? - 💐
That’s alright! Questions don’t have to be deep to be fun/interesting.
(PATTON: Cupcakes! You can make so many different flavors, and there are tons of fun ways to decorate them!)
@why-should-i-tell-youu2 said: Why cant anyone else see the seal?
You need to have The Sight to be able to see demon sigils. Patton has this ability naturally, and Dee has it because Elliott taught it to him. Otherwise, Virgil and Roman would be the closest in terms of gaining this ability, but a scared/skeptical part of them is holding them back.
Anonymous said: My good dorks, is there a way to, I don’t know, get a better/more effective charm for your office? One that costs more than $10? -🍁
Anonymous said: Hey, Logan, potential naturalistic explanation for ya: depending on what the charm was made of, shifts in ambient room temperature could have caused minuscule expansions and contractions in the material that would eventually crack the charm. Do I believe my own explanation? Absolutely not. Am I grasping at straws for a non-supernatural explanation? Absolutely. And ambient room temperature doesn’t even begin to explain the red symbol around the charm
(LOGAN: Our budgeting is already a mess as it is, the last thing we need is to waste more funds on decorations. And that theory seems much more reasonable than the contrary explanation.)
Anonymous said: Is the demon that Pavreen summoned the same demon that possessed Elliott?
Anonymous said: Welp Virge SUMMONED A DEMON- (Why do I have a feeling Remy was the demon that possessed Elliot-)
Nope, they’re all different demons! The demon that Parveen summoned is notoriously difficult to contact, so a bunch of teenagers wouldn’t have been able to do it. Likewise for Remy; you can only summon him once you have his True Name, and he’s already destroyed most references to that (sorry Patton).
Anonymous said: omg omg omg what part of mythology is remy part of???
He’s not from any particular mythology, but he is partly based off of Alps from German folklore and the general mythology around sleep paralysis!
Anonymous said: Can Patton see supernatural beings like ghosts and demons and stuff? I just think it would be interesting if his scars make him able to see them :3c
Anonymous said: If both Dee and Patton can see the sigil, and Dee can see ghosts, does that mean Pat can see ghosts too? With the whole red glowing thing (forgot what its called) it seems to be connected.
Yes he can see ghosts/demons, and you’re right that the scars (or rather the deal with the demon which gave him his powers and scars) are what lead to him being able to do it. The red is just a general indicator of something supernatural/not of our Realm.
Anonymous said: Wait so if Patton and his family all have that mark could that mean Patton is not completely human 👀 -🌈
I supposed you could say that Patton’s not entirely human because he’s a witch who was born without a soul, but he’d find that pretty offensive tbh.
Anonymous said: Are Elliott and Patton maybe related, even distantly? Also, roman needs to suck it up and have Feelings for the Snake Man
There’s no relation between Elliott and Patton. Elliott is the child of a seer and a psychic, Patton is the son of witches. They’re similar, but different. (Also you’re assuming that Roman hasn’t liked the Snake Man since high school, but considered him off-limits because he’s his brother’s best friend).
Anonymous said: Does Patton know that Dee can see spirits and does Dee know that Patton is protecting them all?
Anonymous said: Dee, pat, do you know that each other can see the sigil?
Anonymous said: is ... is patton a witch and dee a dee-mon and that's why they don't like each other.....?
Anonymous said: Pat what do you think about making deals with demons?
They’re both aware of each other’s secrets! Technically they’re both doing their best to protect everyone, but that doesn’t mean they agree with each other’s methods or bond over the shared responsibility.
Patton is indeed a witch, and Dee is a regular human who happened to summon a demon one time. Patton thinks Dee is the occult equivalent of a satanist, which he disagrees with because dark magic is unnatural/dangerous in his eyes (making deals with demons only leads to trouble!), and would prefer Dee not endanger his friends. Dee doesn’t like Patton because of his perceived moral superiority, and finds the way he can be so secretive and two-faced creepy
Regardless, they’re both sitting in glass houses and have more in common than they think.
Anonymous said: Patton Should Hug Dee *
Maybe. But he won’t. 8′D
Anonymous said: Since Dee has been able to see ghosts for a long time, was he an open believer in ghosts before Elliot died? Since it was mentioned that the reason he lies about his belief is because he knows that they're dangerous, he wouldn't have had a reason to hide it in the past. And if he did are any of the others aware of the belief change? Well, besides Remus. I'm guessing that one is pretty obvious.
He may have been more involved as a believer in the past, though that doesn’t mean he was ever super open about it. He was aware of how it would look like to outsiders (being genuinely skeptical at one point himself), so he wasn’t going to paint a target on his back by talking about ghosts and demons and things most people can’t see.
Of course, that didn’t stop people from stereotyping and making those sorts of assumptions about their friend group anyway, but no one besides them really knew about their secret-- not even Virgil.
Anonymous asked: What would happen if one time, the gang ended up getting something supernatural on camera?
The result of that would depend on the being. Ghosts can kinda appear on camera, although it’s very rare for them to appear as a full bodied apparition, which is why they usually only manifest in spirit orbs or light/shadows. Poltergeists are better since they’re able to interact with objects, but likewise since they can’t manifest into a physical form they can easily be brushed off. Demons and other miscellaneous creatures will straight up not appear if captured directly on film; you’ll simply get video glitches and distortions.
So essentially, they may technically have found something already, but capturing evidence that’s also compelling is a lot more difficult than you’d think. I imagine there’s a good chance that anything legitimate wouldn’t get taken too seriously because of how easy it is to fake evidence nowadays.
Anonymous said: Okay so a little bit of a rant but not really ig but imagine the ladylike and unsolved crossover for this AU like I can see it as like Thomas' friends dressing up Roman and Dee in style and seeing a blushing mess and maybe flirting going on because of how good the clothing complements each other but this is kinda a weak idea lol
It’s not a weak idea at it, it’s really cute! (though I may just have a soft spot for the Ladylike cast and crossovers).
The only thing to note is that I’ve chosen not to include Thomas’ friends in this AU because I personally weird about writing fiction about real people? (I was on the fence about including character!Thomas for a while too, tbh). So, apologies to anyone who’s sent similar asks or wanted to see any of Thomas’ friends; they wont be around!
Anonymous said: Did Dee and Remus ever have that talk Dee said he would try to have a while back????
They might have gotten the opportunity to chat back when Remus came back to help shoot the Room 1046 video. It wouldn’t have been a complete reconciliation by any means (dealing with years of baggage in one sitting is Hard), but now Remus is aware that Dee is open to discuss things again at some point in the future, so progress!
Anonymous said: wait wHAT?! When did he (Emile Picani) die?? Give us the deets oh wise one
Anonymous said: emile is... dead? what happened?
I see y’all, but unfortunately you’re not getting any answers from me just yet! You’ll have to wait until the next chapter~.
Anonymous said: Shit is about to go down and I am worried about the next ghost "adventure"
:) Don’t Worry About It.))
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yooo pls give me headcanons on five being an even younger child. unless you're saving them for fics ofc!!
Actual little kid Five or from the one fic idea I have where Five ends up being even younger than 13?? Regardless, I have a lot of thoughts so I’ll do both!
under the cut bc I can already tell this is gon get long
Actual baby Five -
I already mentioned my headcanon that as a little kid when his powers were just manifesting, his powers sort of? Acted up just a little? Like he’d get little blue sparks playing across his hands constantly but without actually jumping. And, since touching the fabric of the universe is a bit tingly, Five would just chew on his hands to make the itchy feeling go away.
Someone suggested mittens like the ones you give kids with chicken pox and I just about died so that’s 100% being added to my headcanons as well. And Five HATES those mittens with a passion and would have yelly screaming fits about them and just bash his mittened hands against the floor in outrage. Absolutely terrible.
Five could absolutely not control his powers at first. So he would just. Jump somewhere accidentally. Sometimes it was a kind of wishful thinking type thing like “hmm if i get up on the counter i can reach the cookie jar” and BAM suddenly Five is up on the counter. Other times it was more just “guess i’m gonna fall through the fabric of the universe and end up wherever lmao” and basically what I’m getting at is he gave everyone multiple heart attacks literally all the time
Sneezes. When Five sneezes he jumps by accident. Just ACHOO and a flash of blue light and he’s gone. Bye bye bitch. It’s involuntary and a nightmare when he gets sick.
Five was that little kid who LOVED to draw. Like he would just sit for hours with a crayon clenched in his chubby little baby fist drawing scribble monsters. Of course after a Certain Incident that included drawing on the walls Reginald Hargreeves banned drawing because it’s ‘childish’ or whatever. There’s a part of me that wants to say that after everything he picks up drawing again as something to occupy his hands that isn’t obsessively working and reworking equations
I’m going to go ahead and assign my own childhood bullshit to Five because why not so I headcanon that Five as a small child would DEMAND to be read to. At all hours. I’m talking literally attempting to pry the nannies eyes open and demanding that they ‘wead to [him]’ in the middle of the night. Most of the time he didn’t even actually care about being read to he just liked hearing someone talk so he was just as content just sitting with them while they chatted to someone else tbh (how did my parents not assassinate me as a kid smh)
and now i’m even sadder about him being alone in the apocalypse thanks
Would hide when he was upset. Also very good at hide and seek. Look this is a big ass house and Five can literally teleport out of a room and out from under watchful eyes I’m saying that he must have been the most stressful child in existence to watch over holy shit but yeah when upset crawls into some small space and hunkers down until he’s less upset. Start checking the cabinets you fools. Can and WILL fit into spots you think are too small for him to fit in. If there’s a larger space behind even he shouldn’t be able to squeeze in, he can jump in so don’t discount those as hiding places as well.
Cheated at tag. Cheated at tag so much. They literally have a special version of tag called ‘five tag’ designed specifically to handicap him because even when they ban using powers he still ends up being way too fucking good at tag like holy shit
okay this isn’t even much of a Five one but as little kids before Reggie decided to go on his “Vanya sucks” crusade they would team up against one another and Klaus was caught in the middle bc he was number four. Luther, Allison, and Diego would squad up (back before Luther and Diego were at each others throats I actually headcanon they were close before powers became a thing) and declare war on Five, Ben, and Vanya and then it became a game of trying to tempt Klaus onto a certain team. Klaus usually went with Five-Ben-Vanya but there were occasions that he was 100% a turncoat. Trust me I had an odd number of siblings this would have been a thing.
honestly though these nannies were dealing with seven kids under the age of four like god damn i have so much respect for them. That nursery must have been a fucking battle zone. There are no sides there is only survival. and these kids have SUPERPOWERS. Hell is empty and all the devils are looking at them with innocent eyes like the entire room isn’t completely trashed behind them. Where’s Five, kids? Where the fuck is your teleporting brother? Six put those tentacles away so help me god you will go straight into time out, do not pass go, do not collect two hundred. NUMBER ONE if you don’t put down that cabinet RIGHT NOW -
Now i’m thinking about the first time Reginald dealt with one of the kids having a screaming meltdown in front of him. I feel like it would have gone very badly for the kid in question :(
and now for not quite a baby!Five
Extremely salty. Furious that he’s so small. Will stab you in the knees to make you get down to his level if you dare condescend to him. Probably stands on counters or tables when talking to his siblings, but has on at least one occasion hit his limit on jumps and been unable to get down without asking for help. Decides that he lives on the kitchen counter now because fuck that noise
Would rather die than be carried anywhere but if he’s the one to climb on someone then it’s okay. Prefers sitting on shoulders because a) taller, and b) they don’t have to hold him up and he can pretend that it’s entirely his decision
A sleepy bitch. Overuses his powers frequently getting to places he can’t easily reach anymore. Sleepy and grumpy. Doesn’t give two shits where he falls asleep and will sleep sprawled out across the floor, had been stepped on or had someone trip over him before and yet still refuses to stop. Honestly it’s a bit of a roulette whether he’ll wake up if they try to put him somewhere else, with just as much danger implied. Klaus produces traffic cones from god knows where and gleefully surrounds Five when he finds in which… is as good a solution as any tbh
His powers are still like,, almost on the fritz? Like when he was a little kid he couldn’t control them. He can now, but also they glitch out occasionally and his hands are all itchy again because they keep pushing at the boundary of the universe without him even thinking about it and it’s the most irritating thing in the world
His pain tolerance is back to being shit which he doesn’t appreciate. However everyone else freaks out way more than him when he accidentally slices his hand open trying to steal one of Diego’s knives, which was pretty funny
Claire comes over and immediately teams up with Five. No one saw it coming and everyone regrets it except for the tiny duo.
She asks him why he’s a kid if he’s her Uncle Five and he gives her the whole story about him growing old in the apocalypse and coming back etc. etc. and that he’s actually a grown up and he doesn’t think she’s going to understand but Claire just says “Oh, like Narnia?” and Five is like “EXACTLY LIKE NARNIA” and she is automatically his favorite
Claire literally tells Five point blank that he’s wasting his potential. How does Five not know all the tricks to being a brat and getting what you want? Puppy dog eyes first and progress into tantrums my friend. Look, Claire is Allison’s daughter and Allison was manipulative as fuck as a child and Claire has inherited at least some of that
Five’s eyes are fucking OPENED and everyone wishes they would be closed again. Five’s puppy eyes are surprisingly and devastatingly effective, especially when he tears up and lets his little lip wobble. Claire is so fucking proud of her protege
Claire rules the house with her tiny iron fist and Five readily follows her lead. Look, he never wanted to be the leader okay he was content to leave that to Luther and he’s equally happy now to leave it to Claire
The first time Patrick came to pick Claire up Five kicked him in the shins and ran off and Patrick was just very very confused about why Allison’s nephew (cover story, Klaus probably gets to pretend to be his dad again or something) has decided to hate him
Five still hides when he’s upset and now he’s tiny literally no one can find him. The first time it happens everyone freaks out and searches the entire house and after a few hours Grace just pops off and retrieves a now sleeping Five from like, the top shelf in the linen closet or something idk
On at least one occasion has had to be stopped from eating some kind of insect or spider off the floor. It’s like owning a cat or something. For the most part they hate it but one of them (Klaus) has 100% pointed out one to Five like “GET IT” but honestly this could be a headcanon for any age Five
#ask#anonymous#tua#the umbrella academy#five hargreeves#number five#klaus hargreeves#luther hargreeves#diego hargreeves#allison hargreeves#ben hargreeves#vanya hargreeves#grace hargreeves#the nannies#claire hargreeves#my rambles
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Share a random sex fact about each of your muses. [ALL 5000 OF THEM lol]
me, opening up my muse list because despite literally editing it this morning to take off any inactive ones I CAN’T G-DDAMN REMEMBER ALL 27 OF THEM SDKFJNF.
putting this under a cut because as you might imagine, it’s LONG.
Bla/ck Sa/ils Muses
Flint - Deeply dislikes 69′ing. He’s easily overwhelmed when it comes to sensory things and pleasure as it is, so the concept of trying to both suck someone off and be sucked off at the same time is just like… THAT SOUNDS HELLISH, ONE THING AT A TIME PLEASE. PLUS he likes to be… if not facing his partner, then at least facing the same fucking direction as them.
Silver - Doesn’t have as much of a libido as you might think, especially after he loses his leg - trauma tends to fuck that kind of thing up even when it’s not related to bodily autonomy shit. Postcanon Silver in particular is usually tremendously uninterested in sex, partly because of the lack of libido and partly because G-d forbid he ever form a connection with anyone ever again, even if he has Madi’s blessing to do so.
Thomas - Just a big ol’ fuckin’ voyeur (though only if the other parties are aware and pleased that he’s watching). Like is he sexually attracted to women? No. Would he gladly watch Miranda fuck a lady and get turned on during it regardless? Absolutely. Same applies to male partners tbh. Thomas vc: LET ME WATCH TRUCK AND JAMES FUCKING, I’M BEGGING YOU.
Madi - Doesn’t particularly enjoy going down on people, regardless of gender; it makes her feel sort of suffocated and uncomfortable, and she’s not a fan of how it feels in general. She likes receiving oral, but will always be very clear with her partners that it’s not something she can reciprocate, and there’s no obligation for them to go down on her if they don’t want to. (One of her favourite things about Silver is that he’s always delighted to go down on her, and equally as delighted to have her hand on him afterwards rather than her mouth.)
Rackham - Tbh canon-verse Rackham is barely interested in sex (which… they don’t know is because GENDER DYSPHORIA but shh) but one thing they do enjoy is just. Tits tbh. They’d kiss and leave hickeys on a lady’s breasts all fucking night if she’d let them (Anne didn’t, because Anne generally preferred to be the one doing the touching - hence why Jack was so often tied up when they fucked, which they’re fine with bc G-D I FORGOT THEY’RE INTO THAT TOO).
Age of Sail OCs
Esther - She’s not a fan of any kind of restraint play, whether it’s giving or receiving. She doesn’t like D/s type things or anything similar and is very much vanilla in terms of her sexual preferences, and calling her by any kind of title would probably make her cackle with laughter. (She absolutely loves laughing and joking around during sex it’s her favourite.)
Morbés - Is often more interested in the build-up to sex than the act itself; he’d rather make out for hours and flirt and tease than anything else, though he does enjoy sex very much once he’s having it. Likes to have his hands tied, but only if it doesn’t require a key or some shit to free him.
Oisín - THIS MAN HAS NEVER FUCKED UHHH he’d probably be too scared to go down on anyone until they’d been together for a longass time. I feel like he sees it as this Big Scary Thing He Might Be Terrible At, and it puts him off even trying because he’s so fucking repressed and anxious in terms of sex and sexuality in general already.
Be/dlam Sta/cks Muses
Raphael - HE’S NEVER FUCKED!! THIS MAN IS A PRIEST!!! But ALSO he would love manhandling his partner (gently) and nonverbally teasing them when they start wriggling in protest when he doesn’t let them move or touch him yet kdsjsdkfjng. (And also: likes it when his partners control him by tugging on his hair, as long as it’s not too hard.)
Merrick - Come to think of it THIS MAN HAS NEVER FUCKED EITHER. Probably likes to murmur in his partner’s ear and hold them while they get themselves off. He’s very much a giver.
Modern OCs
Ace - This is the biggest trope in the fucking world but LISTEN his wings and back are hypersensitive and that’s just how it is. Touching his wings won’t just like turn him on in general, it has to be while he’s in a sexual situation, but gently tugging and manipulating them and rubbing at the base of them is The Good Shit. He also likes to have them pinned down, because it’s a little in the same erotic vein as having your arms pinned (since… wings are just fancy limbs lbr here).
Knotch - MONSTERFUCKER.
Lyall - Can and will manhandle her partners and just generally show off her strength a whole bunch. She likes to banter and joke around during sex and in most circumstances will get uncomfortable if someone takes it too seriously, unless she’s in like a steady relationship and knows the person properly etc.
Red - I refuse to believe this man knows what a fuck is NO I’M KIDDING OF COURSE HE DOES. Are you a monsterfucker if YOU’RE the monster???? Well, either way. ANYWAY. He absolutely doesn’t sleep with anyone he doesn’t know very well; not because he places a Higher Importance on sex, but because he doesn’t really like touching people he doesn’t know anyway, and he’s not interested enough in sex to really seek it out unless it’s like… a way of bonding with someone he trusts and cares about.
Sax - Is sex-repulsed and just Does Not Fuck, ever. She gets extremely uncomfortable if people even bring it up around her and will straight-up snap if someone makes sexual insinutations about her in any way.
XMCU/MCU Muses
Charles - Very much more into receiving than giving, though that changes by necessity after his injury; he can’t really feel much down there anymore, so he generally takes pleasure by pleasing his partner and feeling it through their minds (with their consent).
Erik - Will almost never accept oral. Generally doesn’t really like receiving pleasure in general; he’s most often sex-repulsed, but when he does fuck, he generally wants to be pleasing his partner. It’s not uncommon for him to refuse to let them touch him at all, and he almost never removes any of his clothing.
Frank - You know those weird fucking growly sounds Frank makes in DDS2?? Yeah, he fucking makes those in bed too, often without even realising he’s doing it and very often if he’s in subspace.
HP Muses
Remus - Extremely self-conscious about his body and won’t generally remove his clothes. If there’s penetration involved, he prefers to be the one doing the penetration; he isn’t averse to receiving it, he just won’t really go for it unless his partner initiates it first.
Sirius - He WILL make you laugh at a stupid pun while you’re nutting.
Sta/r Tre/k Muses
Bones - Has a weird thing for doing it outdoors as long as there’s nobody around. Local Georgia man wants to FUCK in a FIELD.
Jim - Compliment his body and he’s yours forever.
Spock - HAND FUCKING HAND FUCKING HAND FUCKING
Test Muses
Aziraphale - This angel FUCKS, because in this house we’re sick of “nonhuman beings are Too Superior to Care About Sex” tropes. He WILL let you ride his dick and call you all kinds of beautiful things the entire time.
Crowley - This demon ALSO FUCKS, albeit significantly less than his angelic counterpart. Has a Music To Fuck To playlist and there is not one single Queen song on it, no matter how much Aziraphale insists he should have Get Down Make Love on there.
Newt - The man is an ADHD/autistic mess and frequently gets distracted during making out or even in the middle of sex because his attention span is horrendous. He can only stay interested/focused for so long, folks.
Credence - I refuse to believe this man knows what a fuck is. If someone touched his dick he’d nut in like a minute because he’s never been touched in his LIFE.
THAT’S IT THAT’S ALL THE MUSES ARE YOU HAPPY.
#asks#[ THIS WAS EXHAUSTING SKDFJN YOU CAN TELL I GOT TIRED TOWARDS THE END ]#eilidhink#desires: flint#desires: thomas#desires: silver#desires: madi#desires: rackham#desires: esther#desires: oisín#desires: morbés#desires: ace#desires: knotch#desires: lyall#desires: red#desires: sax#desires: raphael#desires: merrick#desires: erik#desires: frank#desires: newt#desires: credence#desires: aziraphale#desires: crowley#desires: spock#desires: kirk#desires: mccoy#desires: remus#desires: sirius#desires: xavier
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the continuing house saga + a small vent
i am trying extremely hard to not be negative. things are tough lately (for the last year at this point) and as much as people say stuff like “things have a way of working out”, i cannot get on board. i have tried countless things in my life that have absolutely 100% DID NOT WORK OUT. some of those things, in retrospect, i’m glad didn’t work out. but there are plenty of things that didn’t work out that i am still grieving having lost or never being given a chance.
sidebar: you do not need to advise people who are not soliciting it. if a person is venting or panicking or grieving, it’s 500% fine to say "that really sucks, it’s understandable to feel/think that way, i can see why you’re struggling” etc. without some “but...” clause. i know people do not mean harm and are honestly trying to help or encourage, but please consider that it can feel really terrible when people do this. you’re deep in fear or anxiety or crisis and everyone acting like it’s not a big deal and everything will be fine. sometimes it is not fine and won’t be fine. or at least won’t be fine for a very long time. in the crisis moment of fear/panic/grief, hearing “chin up! look on the bright side!” is unhelpful and minimizing and invalidating. just giving another perspective for ya mentally ill and sensitive AF girl here. nothing personal if anyone here has said something like this (i honestly can’t remember who said what over the last year); it’s extremely common and i know people aren’t being malicious, so please understand i’m not saying this to be passive-aggressive. sidebar over.
so, even with that pre-amble, things are not terrible right now. the house thing is moving along, but more bumps along the way. the city (or county? not sure) health dept inspected the septic system like 3 weeks ago and finally, like the day after christmas, sent the report to the sellers and then they sent it on to us.
the good news: the septic system was pumped, works fine, etc.
the bad news: at some point, the sellers did some type of upgrade to the system without a permit. so the health dept does not have records of any permits or upgrades. they absolutely will not sign off on the sale until the records are all corrected. they need 30 days to survey the system and properly document everything. in 30 days, D and i will be out of the country on vacation.
the sellers’ realtor claims it’s not their fault; it was the previous sellers in like 2004. which is a line of bullshit bc how could it have passed inspections from the previous 15 years? they’re required to be inspected every 3 years. it seems like it would have had to get caught at some point along the way. but, D has a theory. when the sellers pushed back on post-inspection fixes we asked for (they were all relatively minor), they said instead of hiring someone, they would fix everything but electrical since they have a construction company (it’s not clear if “they” is the seller or realtor who is the construction person tbh, since the message is coming third-hand through our realtor). BUT if the seller is a construction dude, D has this thought that he may have signed off on his own inspection (laughable conflict of interest and hopefully not possible?) or had connections in the govt/health dept due to his construction biz that let it slide (more plausible). it honestly doesn’t matter how/why and no matter what, it’s on THEM to fix since they’re the current owners. the health dept literally WILL NOT do anything until it’s fixed. we can’t even say “we accept it as-is if you give us $$$$$ to take care of later.” the city absolutely will not allow it.
the upshot? closing and moving is pushed to late feb. we’re not at risk for losing the house or the sellers backing out bc they have to do this regardless of who they sell it to.
this turns out to be good news for us logistically and financially. i am almost relieved a little? we were planning to move like next week, and we are super not-ready. we just got back from holiday travel (which was exhausting in its own right) on NYE. within less than a month, we would have had to close, move, set up utilities/services, buy a car, find a new cat sitter, etc. and then turn around immediately and leave again on vacation... very little transition/settle time.
financially it is helpful bc it means if we end up double-paying mortgage and rent, it will only be for one month (march) since we cannot leave our apt until at least feb 20-25-ish. we also don’t need a car until we get to the new house, and i don’t want to have one even for a short time at this apt since parking downtown is crazy expensive.
also, back to work today and thankfully, two days of only light work. one meeting today, one tomorrow and not a ton of emails. blessedly, most people took 2 weeks off or their office was actually closed so not too much to catch up on. thankful for small favors.
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Hiiii! May I have a match-up please? One who is my lover and a best friend one? Thank you!
My sun sign is pisces. My moon is Sagittarius. And my rising is virgo!
I'm a intj my personality is mostly independent, blunt, bold, and chaotic
Im somewhat shy at times definitely when im in love with someone but im also not experienced being in love like tbh its awkward for me but I try to shove it away. Im really kind and a passionate with certain things, im really psychic and it really scares me tbh but I can handle it.
My sense of style is kinda walk it changes every so often bc of my mood but my main style is vamp or romantic goth! I wear rings, jewelry, and some makeup to go with it!
My most favorite animals are bunnies, frogs, lizards, raccoons!! Maybe sharks too? Idk they seem cute & cool to me
My sexuality is so confusing rn but im gonna put myself as biromantic asexual!
Im very picky with my partners of course they don't have to be perfect but im only picky with the way their attitude and actions are! Im a classy type of gal to be respected and not treated like a toy.
I suffer from c-ptsd, major depression, ged anxiety, ocd, anemia and dissociation. I also have allergy asthma ;-; its sucks man but ill fine <33
My hobbies are playing video games, listening to music outside, doing art when I have motivation.
For date ideals are going to the arcade, going outside and looking at the stars, spending time together, watching movies, and going out to party!
Also thank you very much when you get the time to do this I really appreciate the time and effort you put into yout writing! <33
Alright, just woke up and I'm gonna work on this ASAP since I put it off last night, I don't want to be too tired to give you a good post!
Before I get into the matchup, just wanted to say I'm terribly sorry you're going through those health issues both mental and physical. I whole heartedly hope you recover from them soon! Take care of yourself honey!
~~~
|| I match you with: Hoodie! ||
Hoodie is also pretty independent and blunt, he’s a very quiet guy obviously but it’s not because he’s shy it’s mostly because he doesn’t like people. Regardless though, he doesn’t take disrespect from people and he will be blunt with them.
He loves how bold you are, it attracts him a lot along with your independence. I feel like you two are really compatible since he’s just naturally attracted to you without even noticing at times.
When you two get into a relationship, he also shares that kind of shy feeling since he’s in no way whatsoever experienced when it comes to love. But he’ll definitely try his best to make sure you’re always comfortable and will be as slow and chill with you as you need him to be. Remember, this should be a mutual thing.
You a psychic? He’s interested. Tell him all of your predictions hon he’ll spend hours just listening to you go on and on.
He’s honestly pretty indifferent about styles but he thinks yours is cool, he loves seeing you dress up into goth outfits and see how they compliment your form.
Hoodie really loves nature so he also loves going deep into the woods, which means he gets to see all kinds of animals. He’s more than willing to bring you with him to see all the animals you like and see if you two can even get one. He’s... not so sure about sharks. He thinks they’re cool, though.
Don’t even worry, this man always respects you, until you do something shitty to him, that is. But, you’re his and he wants to show you he appreciates you. If anyone ever treats you with disrespect he’s always there to back you up.
This is very important; he is there for you when you’re suffering from those mental illnesses, whether it be to give you advice, calm you down, or just simply listen to you rant to him. He wants you to understand you’re not alone in any way and will always slowly help you get back on your feet. If you’re suffering from an asthma attack, there he’ll be watching over you and helping. Just please make sure to show that contribution back bc pls he’s going through stuff aswell this man is super pent up.
He’s not much of a video game guy but he’ll watch you play, maybe even play with you if you teach him how. Teaching him is kind of funny though tbh because he acts like an old man and doesn’t even understand what the game is even if he watches you play it for hours, lmfaooo.
He does love listening to music though, he likes to listen to music with shared earbuds as you walk in the woods together hand-in-hand. Pls let him watch you do art and show him, he loves watching you work. He finds it super interesting especially since it’s you doing the art. I also canon that he’s trying to learn how to do art and get better at it.
He will 100000000x look at the stars with you babe, you two constantly go out at night and cuddle under a tree just to look at the stars in silence. It’s one of his most favorite things to do with you.
He’s honestly not the best at going into public to do arcades or parties, but he’s willing to try and go out of his comfort zone for you if you ever want to go to them. Pls he just wants to see that smile on your face and have fun with you.
Best friend:
||I match you with: Clockwork! ||
This woman is also blunt and bold, so the two of you make a pretty good pair. She’s very caring once you get to know her and tbh she’s a bit of a mom friend towards you. She’s always checking up on you and making sure you’re doing okay and if you’re not, trust me she gonna coddle you till you feel better.
I canon that she has a bunny so when you two hang she brings him with her and lets you play with him and it’s super wholesome like fjhgjkg. She’ll probably kidnap some frogs for you too so the both of you can mess with them together.
Honey, as long as you respect her she will respect you back. In fact you’re one of the people she respects the most in her life because she loves how strong and kind you are as a person!
If you’re suffering because of your mental illnesses, she’s your go to for advice and/or emotional support. She loves you platonically too much to just let you suffer alone so she’s always by your side and helps you get back up on your feet.
She doesn’t know many games but she’ll play Minecraft and Mario Kart with you from time to time. Honestly sometimes she’ll just call Ben into the room to play some games with you instead of her because she’ll feel like she’s boring to play games with unless you reassure her.
She loves doing art though and seeing your works, she loves to paint and share art ideas with you. She’ll be your main person who gives you motivation to keep doing art and will give you constructive criticism on how to improve.
All in all, she’s a bit blunt and rude at first but is actually extremely caring for you and she’s like one of the most wholesome people to be besties with.
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I hope you enjoyed this matchup hon, as I said earlier, take good care of yourself please. I hope you have an amazing day/night.
Also, thank you so much. <3 I try to put as much effort as I can into my writing even when it’s not the best.
#creepypasta#fluff#creepypasta fluff#hoodie#clockwork#creepypasta clockwork#brian thomas#matchup#creepypasta matchups#creepypasta hoodie#anon ask
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Finale | Beauty and the Weeb - Josh
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Today has been weird. I woke up with Tay mad at me, Emma got Kimmi’d and now Tay and I are stuck working together? What are we The Beauty and The Weeb? Jacob is in the best position this round and I need to be on the same page as him. I can tell Ari is defending Dan for some reason because they wouldn’t vote Dan.
BIG SIGH
I have never ever in my life been so sad after a challenge. Like damn, these people really hate me huh. Like Josh, fuck you dude. What have you done in this game besides be Nic’s puppet and then be Emma’s puppet. Goodbye! Jacob!!! Ari and Taylor’s medallions were literally RIGHT THERE to smash and you did what? Smash mine? Ugly.
I am like 99% sure that I’m getting voted out tomorrow night because of my association with Ari. Which kinda sucks, but it is what it is.
Taylor is trying to tell me she thinks she can flip Josh on Jacob, but honestly idk about all that. Part of me wants to tell Jacob that she’s coming for him, but also, idk if I can trust any of them. Taylor also has been saying that if I’m down to target Ari at f4, then she could use her idol on me and then we can take on Ari together at f4. Idk if she just like drank the stupid juice or not, but that works for me? But will I be targeting Ari at f4 if they don’t win immunity? Idk about that. Hopefully I have immunity and we can get Taylor’s ass out of here at 4. The other option is that I go with the idol play plan, then let Ari know last minute so they can’t do anything stupid, and then vote Taylor out with Ari.
I have more options than I think, but I just don’t have the mental capacity to think them all through just now.
I can't believe I've been playing this game for over a month. I'm so exhausted maintaining different relationships especially now when there's only 5 of us. I can't be caught playing both sides at this pivotal round. If I had it my way I would vote out Dan rather than Jacob but I can't even do that because Ari and Taylor refuses to vote out Dan. Here's how I think the vote will fall
Ari - Jacob
Dan - Jacob
Jacob - Dan (Possibly Taylor but I'm not counting on it)
Taylor - Jacob
There is no way Jacob stays unless I can somehow convince Ari or Taylor to switch their votes. What the heck happened this round that made Taylor wanna work with Dan? Do they have a Final 2? Dan did give his money to Taylor the round Ali went. Dan is just the player that just won't go AWAY. I made a final 2 pact with him just so he doesn't vote me out this round but I don't intend to go to the final 2 with him. I don't intend to be in a final 2 with anyone here at all! The only scenario I can see myself having a chance to win is if I am at the Final 2 with Jacob because every single player here is going to win over me and it sucks.
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I hate that I feel like every round is about me. Like that’s cute bc I love the attention, but also like come on y’all.
Obviously I’m worried it’s gonna be me tonight some how but I really don’t know what else I can do other than follow my gut with this vote.
I’m seeing where Taylor is at rn and acting like I’m worried that Ari and Jacob might vote me this round. If I’m able to convince her to idol me I’m obviously gonna get Jacob and Ari to vote her out. But we’ll have to see how that convo goes. She isn’t answering me which is concerning.
I’m not convinced that Josh will vote for Jacob and is going to vote for me because I think I scare him? I’m not really sure what the beef is there. Apparently he told Ari that he fears that Tay and I have a f2. Which I guess is sorta true but I also don’t wanna go to the end with her at all.
I’m hoping for an easy vote that either sends Josh or Jacob home tonight. That’s all I want universe. Help a boy out.
im going 2 be sick. im getting 5th but like.........its ok i guess <3
i have to win this for jacob.
there is no other option.
The way I voted Josh and Jacob still went home bc of Ari!!! Omfgggg. I’m dying honestly. Thank god for this blinding light twist bc I didn’t get EXPOSED.
And I fucking won the immunity challenge. Who said a gay can’t spell? XOXO!
Honestly getting to final 3 is just so gratifying. I really would love to win the final immunity too to kind of show I have some challenge ability haha. My plan is to study the season because in the past I’ve seen the final challenge be season trivia so I really need to go back through and study shit. I feel like I have a reasonable shot at winning against most people but I know I’m gonna get TORN UP by Nick. I’m afraid to go to the end with Taylor and Ari because of their game, but I’m also afraid to go to the end with Josh because of his social connections. This is gonna be a tough tough decision and regardless of what happens I’m gonna piss someone off.
Going with Taylor seems like an okay move because I know I’d at least have Ari’s vote but I think it’s a toss up for the rest of the votes. Ari has been talked up as THE THREAT all game and honestly I see it, but they’ve also not played as flashy as I have. I have a lot more survivor-esque aspects to my game in my opinion. Like me literally attending every tribal council except for one, and being vulnerable at most of the tribal councils. I think a jury will like that I had to do what I had to do to survive. Then with Josh, I just don’t think I have a chance at many of the jury votes (Jabari, Nic, Emma) specifically, but I might pick up Jacob, Ari, Ali, and Brandi. With Taylor deciding if she wants to be bitter and tie it haha.
I mean my point here is that I’ve set myself up to have options. I know I probably won’t be player of the season but dammit I feel like I’ve played such a strong game.
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It’s moments before f4 tribal council and I’m at peace with my decision.
I recognize the power that is Ari. I recognize that they may beat me. But I also recognize that I’ve made a friend for life. And that’s way more important to me these days. And if that’s an accolade to their social game, so be it.
I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again. I would literally die for Ari.
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AND NOW I GOT A LEGACY ADVANTAGE?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! h*ck
it better be an add-a-premerge-juror because i don't wanna be MEAN
This was a good ending chapter for my ORG career. I came into this game with no expectation. I took this game phase by phase. Preswap, swap, merge, end game. I knew I wanted to play differently than I have before. More loyal and less shady. I think there were moments when I was definitely tempted by people to revert to my old ways, but temptation doesn’t always mean you follow through.
I feel my game showed restraint. I stuck with Ari because I always knew they had my best interest in mind. Did I know every detail of their game? Nope. Did I need to? Nope. I still got here. I used information I had wisely. I knew when to call it quits with a plan and hang back. I never wanted to be the reason the vote switched to me.
That’s not to say I didn’t have many close calls, because I definitely did. But I survived. I went to all but one tribal council, and I survived. My social game got me here when I got swap fucked. I fucking did that.
Regardless of what the jury thinks of me, I know that I played a game worth making FTC. Is it a winning game? That’s not for me to decide officially. But, to me I’ve won. I’ve won in ways that go past having my name in a winners circle. I’ve learned so much about myself through this game and through my friendships with others. And that’s okay with me. I look forward to answering the questions about my game, but there is one thing I will not stand for and that’s being made to feel badly for the decisions I made.
At the end of the day those decisions were mine and I stand by them 100%.
This may not have been my first rodeo, but in a way I’m happy it will likely be my last.
Much love ORGs. You’ve given me a lot ✨😌
Needless to say, that was rough. Rougher than I expected tbh.
I probably should have fought more, but I fought so hard in this game that I was so beaten up by the end.
To say I’m proud of my game is an understatement. I played so well in my opinion and frankly I wouldn’t change a thing. To finish my org career with a second place finish, makes me so proud. From a 17 year old kid with an attitude problem, to a 26 year old kid with a slightly smaller attitude problem, I can thank ORGs for a lot of my growing up.
They’ve taught me to value my strengths and work on my weaknesses. I owe a lot to these silly games.
To be proud is to be fulfilled. And I am fulfilled. Time to check into my room at the retirement home ❤️
that final tribal council was ROUGH........ i think i did okay but i'm stressed over all the things i forgot to mention, definitely said "social" too many times, didn't get to talk about all the specific strategic choices i made...... i feel confident of 3 votes (jacob, taylor, ali) and that's it i seriously don't know what's gonna happen but either way i'm very proud of myself and i'm proud of dan and it has been an honor to be in this rodeo <3 so long and thanks for all the scorpions
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Tea Time With Yours Truly:
Don’t you love it when you finally realize you’re truly moving on from a toxic situation like the adult you are, when a song you like makes you rethink your visions, feelings, etc. of someone?? or it that me? everything starts to feel entirely new again though regardless. better n’ cooler bc you know you’re not suffering anymore.. just, a fantastic feeling. woo
fucking incredible. I’m F R E E. absolutely free. still hurts though. some things made me realize I should’ve done it sooner and I did. as best I could, i did.I tried all I could and I succeeded for the most part,but damn do they haunt me so badly. I hate it.
Go away, pest. the last 5/6 years have been an emotional roller coaster for me and I want off.somehow I did,the ride still catching me occasionally and pulling me back on, dragging me to the unknown
((some good things happened here n’ there like me meeting some friends I still talk toooo, playing new games and finding new animes))
it’s just good to know though that my mind doesn’t associate them with anything anymore bc they didn’t deserve anything much tbh. just like told me
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I really want to bug my online buds constantly. From when I get up to when I fall asleep. send them memes, all that funky jazz..but I don’t. I can’t. I feel like I’m too clingy.. too needy.
I AM ACTUALLY. I shouldn’t care, but I do. Maybe it’s because I’m too emotional, too sensitive, too much, blah, blah, blah. Something "bad". Shit the grump hated that has just stuck to me like black balloons since. (( NF is the same with his mental issues. I’m glad to know I’m not alone with thinking of depression, anxiety, etc. as black balloons. Their like lifeless weights, but we still feel them weighing us down))
I love constant communication, especially from close friends.. bug me. 24/7. whenever, whatever. I don’t do anything. much that is. I’m overwhelmed when communicating nowadays so help me out pls??or not><
I don’t ask for it much though bc i was put down for asking for it. I was always told to say certain things as well, not think a certain way, send things at certain times. nothing nsfw even though we where adults. no art much bc it was always judged, other dumb shit.. I felt like the ultimate fucking bother bc of that.. person.
So I stayed to myself because of that and that made me worse ove time.
((I drove some people away when I did and I still am I feel,but I’m trying not too.. I couldn’t deal with myself though, I felt absolutely horrible. When I did, I said some nasty shit and I regret it all because a prick made me feel like complete shit and worthless about myself. I didn’t have to take it out on others like that, but wow.. I did. If I told anyone though,he’d come after me and that was what I didn’t want.. so nice huh?))
I felt like a broken down old dog. I still feel like that occasionally not as bad. not a pleasant feeling at all though
Are all of the things that make me like this really that bad or annoying or make me even less though?? fuck no it doesn’t. It makes me wayyyy better and much more cooler honestly, but those feelings still linger bc the manipulation was so bad..
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Why the hell would you want me to be boring or better yet be with a boring person who doesn’t talk much and puts others down for similar behavior??
Why would I be with someone who doesn’t share any interests with me much or puts mine down bc they’re childish or unnecessary??
Why would I be with someone that doesn’t communicate anything at all and whatnot,like...please tell me??
I’m genuinely fucking interested.
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They told me I was always being too nice all the time. too soft, too babyish. too honest. too sensitive. blah, blah, blahhh. whenever I said something that was tooo personal or informative it’s like: "That’s too much information don’t ya think??" UMM, N O?? "Don’t say that around me ever or I’ll unfriend you and never speak to you again." Okay.. THEN DO IT, PUSSY.
Fucking asshat, douche canoe looking ass cunt.. ((He didn’t like those words or almost any word tbh it seems. true killjoy, I swear and I thought I was. I couldn’t even say oh my god or anything with lord in it because he’d then start saying "why are you saying that when you’re an atheist?" Umm actually I’m agnostic.. ))
he hated the whole "umm actually" deal too that I would do.. literally drove me up the damn wall every time. who fucking cares if I say that?? I’ve been accustomed to it because of my parents and people in general. come the fuck on now
It’s pretty common to say, twit. Don’t take it seriously, joke or not to piss me off to make you happy..man, he irritated the hell out of me and I’m glad he’s gone. like..look ‘bud’ should I just be angry and a constant liar and hateful and just, overall vile like you then all the time?? Guess so huh!! ohh boy!!
Which was almost that unfortunately.. i’m not good at lying and all like you though, you snake. when I did it wasn’t how I was feeling, it was how you felt.. which disgusted me.
I was always honest to you. maybe a few lies, but those were mostly about certain games that I didn’t really play and what I was laughing at. which was your dumb ass most of the time.
He made me start to hate things that made me very happy by being a total prick about it.. I miss feeling overwhelmed with overflowing joy for the things that bring and brought me peace.
I still have it, but it’s not as strong as it was before because some dumb fuck stepped on it too much telling me I’m weak in the process.
I couldn’t like anything anymore much without hearing him yelling at me occasionally and others as well that I never noticed till everything happened. just,yelling at me loudly and telling me how awful i am and other annoying, idiotic shit.. maybe that was your plan all along , to ruin me. ruin my confidence, my strength and my will to move up and thrive in life..
you tried dragging me down your well for being myself when you couldn’t.. pathetic. I bet you’re happy bc you feel like you ‘succeeded’ with this,but you didn’t win the war.
You never will
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they always manipulated me to dislike the things in life that made me happy. This irritated me a lot.. ((my interests in obscure and ‘buttrock’ bands/music in general, anime, weird games, my love for peculiar art, my badass friends..))
said absolute dumb shit if I got closer to some more than them. ((making me waste sooo much god damn time. say you’re busy all the time even though you live a "boring fucking same day to day lifestyle." tell them how you can’t message all the time when in fact you can and that you’re constantly on the only device that gets you connected to the world outside. tell them.)) makin me lie and be distant about how I felt with some of my amazing friends..
It was never about how I truly felt, but how they felt for me. (("Ohh they made you feel like that?? Well, it made me feel like this and you should too because //insert dumb explanation here//.", "You shouldn’t feel like that towards them, they don’t deserve it.", "Maybe I deserve to be treated like that instead, screw them.", "Don’t feel like that towards them or //issue//, thats absolutely appalling, childish, flat out sappy.", "Don’t let them know how you’re really feeling.. just act like you don’t care at all. They don’t care to help you anyway or else you’d be living a better life.", "They’ll just spread it around so just stay quiet instead until spoken too about it."))
E N D ME !!!
Pls, I beg of you.. not really but the thoughts though, please
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he would tell me to not bug him when hes on a game, but he could to me. even on social media, which is how we stayed connected and not by messenger pigeons like it’s the 1500’s.
"Don’t bug me on FB when I’m not on." Okay, but I wanna share this with you...?? also, how the hell am I gonna know when you’re on when I’m drawing and trying to occupy my on edge brain??
proceeds to spam me shit in process irritating me. "Don’t bug me, don’t bug me" I hear like a whiny little baby.
"Why do you bug me all the time??" UMM, MAYBE BECAUSE I CARE AND I WANT TO UHHH, IDK SHARE THIS NEAT SHIT WITH YOU??? PENDEJO PUTA DE MIERDA!!
"I’ll message you and send invites when I feel like it." - Shithead towards the end. Circa 1818. ((Yeah, weeks or a month later like nothing happened. "I’ll see you later or tonight when I see you on, get back on, when I’m done eating" just, excuse after excuse..))
((IM ALWAYS FUCKIN ONLINE 24 GAT DAMN 7. YOU KNOW THIS, SHITHEAD. I ALWAYS WANT TO TALK TO YOU OR SOMEONE IN THE DAMN GROUP. DNT FUCK WIT ME, MY TIME, OR PATIENCE LIKE THAT ANYMORE. ENOUGH. S T O P. And it did.. thank g o d))
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would literally make me wait around and feel like a complete and utter fool when instead he could’ve messaged and been like maybe tomorrow or something, but no.. nothing. made me believe in all sorts of dumb shit. ((Sad I did, but I was pretty gullible. still am. some stuff was just, a big nope though and obvious. I wouldn’t let him get to me that much, but he did in some ways.. disgusting ..))
I was made to feel like I was cared for when in fact I never was to begin with. explains a lot tbh. I felt like a disgusting half empty shell of a person with barely any fragments of a heart and soul left inside. that’s very dark, I know, but that’s how it feels in a way
"It’s not real, this depression you’re feeling, it’s just a phase. it’ll pass/ just suck it up and move on / don’t worry about it you’re fine, you’re just overreacting or overthinking about it / think positive more and be happy nothing bad has really happened to you yet/ I remember when you didn’t act like this."
HOW AND WHAT?!? EXCUSE ME, PEASANT!? SAY THAT AGAIN.. TO MY ACTUAL FACE. I DARE YOU N’ YEAH, I DO TO CAPTAIN OBVIOUS.
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I love how people ((friends and some mutuals)) thought I actually wanted to be, be with him, romantically and all that, that is but I just couldn’t..it was never there. I felt it for others though or someone to be exact, during those times which is how I knew I was in a toxic situation and it wasn’t real love or love in general I felt for them. just a facade
I just couldn’t let people know how badly he was treating me so I was sucked into a woven web of lies that got out of hand and ruined some pretty good moments for me completely it seemed
I never once wanted to fuck him or anything of the sort.
at first, we were kinda flirty and sweet with one another. talkin about cuddlin n’ goin on silly dates when we meet ya know. cute and fluffy things. things I got shit for down the road keep in mind. we’d give each other cute lil compliments to one another. It was just, cute and fun stuff ya know. especially since we were young as well.
there was never anything sexual between us either or too sexual, just crushy feels. ((I’m really fucking glad because mm, mmm. hard fucking pass))
he’d never and i mean never get my moist meter high, EVER. drier than this damn valley I live with scattered tumbleweeds, I tell you. not even a lil tingle. no bells ringing.fireworks flinging. I thought about it too and I’d just get disgusted tbh. thats how I knew
I felt like he’d be the worst in the end anyway and he was in general. he wasn’t even comfortable with himself or his sexuality and others things.. sooo, noooo, NOPE. thank u, next!!
I’m completely comfortable with mine.. thanks to my friends and some a bit more. I’m a bit scared to admit though that I’m demi bc of manipulation, but it is.
Happens unfortunately and I know I’m not alone on this journey of self acceptance. I wouldn’t have mind talking about it though, in a calm civil manner like adults do instead of giggling and making weird noises like an idiotic child.
Having it being brought up randomly amongst mutuals and all that got extremely awkward too as well, I hated it. "You wanna fuck him?", "You ever thought about it you two since y’all so close?" crickets and a few mumbled noises.. HA.mmm, I cared about him or what was left of him, not like that. honey flower ain’t or never will be feelin it for him.. EVER. HE EMOTIONALLY MANIPULATED ME AND I DIDNT EVEN KNOW SEX THAT MUCH OR MYSELF LIKE THAT SO FUCK HIM. uwu
She’s kinda quiet and scared tbh because he’s such a total killjoy asshole. she senses fear. she knows who really gets her bud blooming. just, the thought of him though like that made me wanna scream and kick him in this stupid ass face.
Ruined a lot of things for me, I swear but I’m moving on as best as I can.
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He had this switch flip type of mood. I don’t even remember how or why it happened, but it just got worse during and after his breakup it seems.
Which was like 3-4 years ago. started happening out of the blue and over time it just started to bug the living fuck out of me. daily. I was starting to hate it and hate it I did. made my skin crawl.. ((all the Linkin Park jokes))
It made me hate myself which I never did much tbh and I didn’t like that at all.. I wanted out, but I didn’t know where to go. I didn’t know who to talk to bc he’d come after me if I did especially if they knew him..
they didn’t though and were on my side, but yeah. I’m glad it stopped
A L L OF IT. I don’t need that kind ‘love’ in my life. that,awful presence. I don’t need any of that at all.. MMM, MMM BYE, BYE!! Disgusting.
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I wanted to help em try to be happy so fuckin bad after what happened ya know as friends do, when it should’ve been myself making me happy instead.. it was,but everything just got to me.
All the sighs. How lovely huh. We were ‘best friends’ ya know. I can’t even really call anyone that much bc it unnerves me. you’re supposed to make each other happy and all that as best friends, not a sad sack of low shit.
I can’t believe I wanted to be with him and or be around him that is... eughh. I was confused and in a dangerous situation towards the end.. feels like it was my fault, but it wasn’t.
Couldn’t talk to anyone about it. It was extremely fucking stupid on my part
Long time or not, why? just, holding onto old times I guess
That’s where I messed up. I didn’t even really bother trying to be with him tbh as I’ve said. in the beginning maybe yeah when we were younger, but he made me feel less and less over time as we grew older. I was embarrassed about a lot of shit and slowly I just finally realized how much of an asshole he really and truly is and how bad I wanted him out my life.
I couldn’t get away and when I did, he’d still be there someway.. haunting me with his negative nagging.it was dumb I know. I just don’t know exactly how I got lost in it so damn badly, but man, am I really dumb for doing it..
I wholeheartedly despise those feelings I had then and I fucking despise them now. ALL OF THEM. THEY HAVE RUINED MY LIFE AND IDK WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
((Great character development though, Cynth. Growing up and moving on. Something he could never do))
I don’t want to bring these problems into anyone else’s life and I did and I regret it.. I would like to disconnect from the server please bc of it, thank you
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I was made to feel like my disability was cureable around him and that I can do shit when I get my operations done when in fact, I can’t at all and won’t ever get ‘cured’ or anything like that of the sort.typical ableist /lamdwalker activity. despite how many times I told him,he’d forget. Mhmm, sure.. you only heard what you wanted. It’s fine
"We’ll be able to do this when you get said //part// fixed.." what? can I not do that now or something?? I know I can’t, but I can at least try right?? am I really not that good enough to be around and do shit with?? guess so, cool. Okay, I see. I really tolerated some extreme ableism and I still do, but it’s not as bad as that was..
I wish I could cure my RA though like that and have said money to do it. Snap my fingers and it’s done right? ummm, no. not as easy you think dumb ass. I have fused joints, osteo, it’s everywhere like how the hell am I gonna fix that so easily?? tell me, doc
You trippin more than younger me did. I think that’s why he just flat out ditched me in the end and got a gf while he was at it that had an almost exact personality as me in the process. he would point it out too and made me feel fucking creeped out even more.. like, I get it. can’t be youre, abled dream
Why do you care if we’re alike in some ways though?? ((Look where it got him though. He’s still struggling with it, the breakup, bringing it up once n’ awhile like it didn’t happen. It was hilarious to me bc he really was a basket case. I know he was trying to get rid of it, but he was more obsessive about it than a mf))
thankful I don’t deal with it anymore
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"You live the same day to day lifestyle. Ever since you and I graduated. The same fucking thing. The only new things you do are go to your stupid concerts or teach those weird kids. I see it or you end up telling me anyway." ((I know captain obvious yet again.. at least I’m having fun when I’m doing that. concerts for my favorite bands make me happy, teaching my kids do too ya asshole))
"Nothing is gonna change anyway if you get those procedures done. It’ll be worse for you and we all know that. Just deal with it and try to move on." ((I hate hearing your voice in my head. I want to ban it, mute it from all existence.. I’ve been replacing it with others and I’m glad it’s working))
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I keep hearing his voice sometimes when I post something on social media. not his actual voice, but something similar, especially in tone. moody and monotone. art,status, any of those with hashtags, rt‘s, anything.. I heard it
"Why did you post that?? Looking for attention or something?", "Not many people liked it because it’s //insert stuff I love here//", "Don’t like shit like that. I don’t want to scroll around awkwardly when I’m out.", "I saw what you put. Idk how to approach it, but I’ll like it to show you I care/to look at later to process."
Tf does that mean and huh?? Why do you care what I put anyway?? I don’t care what you put so why should you care what I put?? Why make me feel like shit for putting this up or talking about something I have some balls too. I want people to know. I’m close to some of these people
I haven’t been posting much because of that. It’s very noticeable and my some of my friends can vouch for it from the viewing couch. renders I do of friends stuff, my original work, OC stuff, fan arts. A L L gets judged by the mighty grump. who it is, colors, the style, shading.. nothing was good enough I guess. even though you said it was and so did my brain at one point. It does, but she’s just not that confident much anymore
He’d get on fan art which was the most irritating thing. "Try and draw like that or do something like that for once.", "They didn’t get me right.. did you give them the references? Even though you still haven’t made a proper one?", "Why did they draw me like that?", "That’s cool. Why my character though?" PEOPLE DRAW IN THEIR OWN WAYS IN MANY STYLES AND CAN CREATIVELY DO WHATEVER THEYD LIKE YA FUCKIN DUMBASS. IN THE END, ITS MY CHARACTER ANYWAY. YOU DIDNT DRAW HIM. I DID N’ WHO CARES. MAYBE THEY LIKE YOUR CHARACTER OR IDK I REQUESTED IT TO MAKE YOUR SAD ASS HAPPY.
"Ohh yeah, I used to draw back in the day." The shit he sent me was traced, had his signature on it covering the original artists, no consistent style. Straight up thief and ugly liar. He can’t even draw a straight line, let alone paint a piece. Please, boy. I KNEW IT AND HED MANIPULATE ME INTO THINKING IT WAS AND I KNEW. AINT FOOLING ME THERE. I maybe or might’ve been extremely gullible as a teen, but ooohhh honeyyyy, I knew, I knew.
Artist my ass. Yeah con artist :))
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I hated the awkward silence moments between us when we spoke. I literally wanted to fucking scream at you like you did to me sometimes when you were having a "bad day".
I wanted to yell at you about everything you’ve ever done to me the last time we talked and I just broke down instead because I am an "emotional bitch" as you say. HOLY SHIT though, are you boring. I thought I was, but I just get dissociative and I space out because I didn’t know what to say and when I did,I got judged for it. for everything else as wel which made me feel worse. fuucking fantastic you are
You made me feel like I was was swirling in this dead and extremely lonely silence that was ever so slowly drowning me and dragging me down.. ((Like BMTH says, don’t let me drown and you did to an extent)) i couldn’t breathe right for the longest time with you there.. felt like an enormous weight on my chest
when I was in there, it was awful and made me feel worse. I didn’t want to leave and when I did,you’d think I’d be having a fit or something.so, I would stay until you left and when you did it was absolute freedom.
I swear I hated being around you. I got judged for making any sort of weird noise, hiccup, burp, humming, my singing, jokes. such a fun person you are, hmph
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