"but there is something that happens when you are told you are too much. you begin to ask everyone, "how small would you like me?""

april 2024 bujo cover

🫧˚˖𓍢ִ໋🌷͙֒✧˚.🧚🏻‍♀️.

4.1.24

hiiii 👋🏻 it's already april.

took inspo from pinterest to draw the fairy but i changed her hair and face to make it look more like me and colored her and the flower with crayola crayons without worrying if it would look perfect or not. also wrote the lyrics of 'good enough' by Astro's Jinjin because this song is SO GOOD and Jinwoo as always created a meaningful song with intentions to make us all feel healed and motivated so i'm very very thankful to him 🥺💜

wishing everyone a blessed april!!

(btw i always wonder if someone here on tumblr actually reads the captions on the posts, i feel like no one cares? if you read this, comment a "🍀" please)

💜

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marker journal 7: ghost stories

I remember the first time I fell in love with ghost stories. My sister and cousin said we should sit in a closet with a flashlight and tell scary stories. They got bored quickly, but I was entranced. I sat in there longer than anyone, begging them to come back and keep up the game.

the addiction progressed to sneaking off during library hours in elementary school and picking up “In a Dark, Dark Room” and “Scary Stories to tell in the Dark.” I read “The Green Ribbon” probably a hundred times in second grade.

And then a wonderful thing happened, my dad came home one day with a big cardboard box; inside of it there were probably a hundred goosebump books. Someone at his job’s kid had gotten bored of them so I was the recipient of this treasure trove. I think something about these stories tugged at the sadness and uncertainty in my life. There’s an honestly in good scary stories that doesn’t exist anywhere else. Now, I collect vintage “Give Yourself Goosebumps” and Christopher Pike paperbacks, goosebump VHS tapes in the lime green clamshells. The little thrill of partaking in a ghost story, the sadness of relating to a very human condition, has never left me.

George is my bobble turtle. He's been sitting on my dashboard, rocking out with me, for about 23 years. Oh, the adventures we have had!

Updated the front of my journal that I take to therapy.

would you guys be interested in the essays i write in my therapy journal? my next one is "healing from incest with fiction"!

My junk journal entries; I could do this all day 🌻

Therapy sessions at uni, second session

Oh damn, we´re so back at it. I actually had my second session last thursday. It was great. I really appreciate my therapist. You don´t know the power of having good people around you until you have them and see their influence in your life. He is a professional, and I am thankful he is always gentle and tells me I´m doing good when I am. It means a lot to me. This time I was able to initiate most of the talk, and I told him the stuff I learned over the few days I didn´t see him, like how I am the one limiting myself so much, how I am insecure and etc. My next session is not until late april, but I´m excited to bring him good news; he gave me many exercises to practice talking and being more confident expressing myself.

I´ve been having a hard time though. There are things I haven´t talked about in therapy. This weekend I´ve been in a really bad mood almost everyday, either I start comparing myself with others and that brings me down, or I don´t get something I want and I feel frustrated, or for example yesterday my mom told me "you are twenty years old you can act accordingly" and that made me feel so angry and frustrated because I often feel like my family treats me like a child, and I recognize I comply to that but one thing that has been on my mind for years now is that I want to be capable of all the things an adult woman is capable of and I´ve imagined myself telling them about this so many times but I´ve never done it. I was so frustrated in all these situations, and I kept thinking "I have to express myself, I can´t bottle up my feelings" but there are things I don´t want to talk about with anyone, let alone my family. Because I understand it must be frustrating for them also seeing that I am in a bad mood and not knowing the reason and asking me about it and me just shrugging. But I can´t just tell them in the middle of a party "well I feel really ugly and I look at all these girls here and I feel like a cockroach and I really wish I was home in my pajamas watching tv instead of here feeling ridiculous and disgusting". Plus what would that do for anyone? For me maybe I´d at least have the feelings out of my system but I am not expecting them to give a good response to that, I would love it if all they could say was "sorry, it´ll be fine", but my mom would roll her eyes, even tho she has insecurities too, except she is good at sweeping them under the rug and expects me to do the same but I can´t; my dad wouldn´t say anything, which is a break; my sister would give me some patronizing speech; my other sister would echo her. And it would be very overwhelming. (the only pro is that they would get to know what is on my mind, which is good because I do want them to know me and I want to open myself to them) So I try to calm myself down but I can´t and I can only breath freely again once we´re out of the salon going into the car. I can´t tell them "behaving as a 20 year old girl is the thing I want the most in this world but do you ever help me with that? No. But nevermind, I don´t need you to help me with that, after all I am a twenty year old girl so if you really mean it, I will start acting as such. I´ll have more initiative. I´ll want things and try to get them. I´ll go places. I´ll say things. I´ll meet people. And I won´t ask for your permission, I will only ask if you´d like to join" I really wish I could say those things, but it low-key sounds more like a tantrum and that is exactly what children do. Funny.

Today I tried being brave and good to myself. I made a mid-size mistake. I panicked. I hate making mistakes because it hurts my pride (which is the only armor I´ve had in my life, tho it turns out, it hurts you more than it protects you) and it makes me feel miserable and it is one of the thousands of things that make me spiral and hate myself and ultimately want to die (or vanish into a void and come out as a different person). So my very coward instinctive response to oopsies is crying, and either denying or hiding my mistake. So the thing is that on the way home I told myself I will change this. My worth and confidence will no longer be rooted in pride. I won´t be scared of making mistakes nor, what´s even more terrifying, facing the consequences. Often times, consequences to mistakes involve someone else´s feelings. In this occasion, it was my mom´s, whom I knew would forgive me and laugh it off, and my dad´s, whom I knew would be mad, and could express it in many different ways that can really twist my guts and make me feel horrible (even tho that is absolutely not his intention, he just doesn´t know bottling up his emotions doesn´t mean he is completely hiding them). The second I am always very scared of. That is the reason why I hate telling my dad things. I never know how he´ll react. I dread it. But that is cowardly. And I told myself I will be brave, I will do this. So instead of hiding the truth from my dad until he somehow found out, I resolved I would tell him upfront, and if he did something that made me feel shit I would forgive him, and if he was brutally mad I would stand up for myself. The problem is that this resolution took me about 40 minutes (all the way home from the hospital where I made my oopsie) and when I told him he was indeed mad, not just because of the mistake itself, but because I had waited so long to tell him. I am trying to forgive myself, because after all I am not used to being brave, that is not my instinct, it took me 40 minutes to calm down, let the stream of tears go away, and come to a good decision. I am hoping in the future being brave will come to my mind much sooner than the panic and the tears and the fear, and I will own up to my mistakes much faster. But today, this is all I could achieve. I am feeling very guilty. And my mind tortured me in fifty different ways before I could calm down (such as the thoughts "they will never trust you again with serious things" "this is why they treat you like a child" "your sister never makes mistakes like this one, and if she does she knows how to solve them" "x person you envy so much would never make a mistake like this because she is all the things you are not" "you shouldn´t have come with dad, you weren´t of any help, you just gave him trouble") But I am glad I tried. I try to feel good for having been brave (braver than usual, certainly not braver than most) but the feeling is not stronger than the guilt. Yet, it is there, and that is enough for now.

Things I want to mention in the next session:

I hate making mistakes and owning up to them, BUT I fought it!

I compare myself a lot (I will not mention the mild eating disorder I had as a teenager unless the therapist asks)

What can I do with the unpleasant feelings I cannot express? I know I recognize what trigger them. I don´t want to bottle them up (not like I could anyway) but I want to be in a good mood for the sake of the people around me (often my family) and also for my own sake because life is too short to live it at the expense of my feelings and bad times and hard times. I want to choose happiness

My thoughts tend to spiral. A lot. In a bad direction

I have envy issues. Ugly issues. I don´t want to envy every person I´ve loved because it is destroying me.

Things to try:

All the exercises the therapist has given me

Maybe looking for self-regulation techniques?

MORE oopsies and MORE owning up to them (facing the consequences)

Definitely gentle self talk.

Monday, 8 January 2024

Well done:

Despite being sad and frustrated I had written ACA homework.

I haven’t pushed myself to manage all the stuff today (the last day of holiday) but went slowly as I felt.

I asked a massager to get me an additional blanket because of the cold weather. For some reason I’m having problems complaining or asking anything of a massager or a cosmetologist.

To better:

I’ve started to sink in the dark state of immovable loneliness and gloom. The idea of going out feels too much for me. I’m experiencing my usual desperate drill and allegedly have no strength to prevent or persevere it.

I shall remember to be kind and caring towards myself. Writing also is a good way of channeling this frustration.

Delights:

Album “Social cues” by Cage the Elephant feels fresh and emotionally honest.

Watching “Julia” 2 season.

"we have calcium in our bones, iron in our veins. carbon in our souls, and nitrogen in our brains. 93 percent stardust, with souls made of flames. we are all just stars that have people names."

art therapy journal compilation

3.5.24 -📍São Paulo

hiiii 👋🏻

this is a compilation of pages from my art therapy journal, they feel like a total safe space to me ❤️‍🩹

i don't worry about creating an aesthetic page for some reasons:

- it's something that i'm studying because i want to change my career and i have true and pure love about it so doesn't matter if it looks aesthetic or not

- creating a page with whatever comes to my mind while i'm studying makes me relax and the study feels a lot lighter!

- art therapy is about healing through art, so i feel healed creating this pages

since it's something i'm happy to study, i feel like i can share little snippets of my journey here with you guys. i feel blessed that for the first time in many years i feel like a have more than just one reason to have a goal and persue it.

it's a new month, already march, so i wish that all of you achieve your goals for this month and also stay happy and healthy 🍀

Heartache

“My heart hurts exceptionally more than usual, today. This aching organ will only stop being so when it dies. Until then, I will bleed on paper, the ink that flows through me. I do not know what I will make of the lost ‘moments’ and ‘memories’ that pierce the walls of my chest. And I do not know how long this will last. I only know that when I have finally figured my way out of this misery, my heart will give in to its rest. All I will hear from its once rhythmic beat, will be an echo of the words:

‘Breathe, my dear. You have bled for too long. It was always more than enough. You were just unsatisfied. Let go now. It's over. It's okay.’”

Journaling Prompts For Mental Health: Top 20 List

As more individuals become aware of how their mental health affects them and begin sharing their coping mechanisms for dealing with the stress of daily life, mental health has become a hot topic on the internet. There is a tonne of new and creative methods that we may learn to process our emotions and healthily cope with them, from anxiety-management apps to various forms of counseling.

However, one tried-and-true method sticks out: journaling. A quick and easy technique to practice mindfulness and enhance your mental health is to write down how you're feeling. If you're unsure if writing anything down would be beneficial to you, For more information on the advantages of journaling and how to start, continue reading. Check out the therapy journal prompts for mental health below if you need some ideas if you don't know what to write. 

How to Keep a Mental Health Journal

The first guideline for keeping a diary is that there are none. Although you should select what works best for you in your diary, here are a few pointers to get you started:

Journaling on a Smartphone compared to Handwriting in a Journal:

A pen and an open journal

There are various things to think about before deciding whether to write it down or keep it electronically, including how you want to save previous posts, how concerned you are with privacy, and what you want to write about. If you prefer to express yourself via writing, don't be afraid to experiment with various lined diaries or writing implements. It may significantly affect how you write and how frequently you write if you use a pen that feels good in your hand and a diary that you enjoy using. Try out several notebook sizes to see which one works best for the way you intend to store it. Consider switching to a digital journal or obtaining a lockable journal if privacy is an issue. There is a tonne of various programs for journaling on a computer or smartphone, or depending on what program you use, picking whichever device fits you most at the time, for those searching for an electronic solution. You can write from any location with a device if you save your diary on the cloud.

Making Writing Time and Being Reliable

Make journaling a new habit; this is the second guideline for doing so. It could be simpler for you to block out 15 minutes every night before bed but don't push yourself to keep a notebook every night if it doesn't work for you. Find a journaling routine that suits you, then write whenever you like. This will enhance your physical health and assist in reducing unpleasant feelings.

What to Write

What goes in your journal is entirely up to you. While some individuals may just open a new blank page and begin writing, if you're stuck for ideas, journaling prompts can help you get started. Choose some writing questions that are specific to the aspects of your life you wish to reflect on, whether you need help getting started or want a change of pace.

20 Mental Health Writing Prompts

To get you started, consider the following journaling questions for mental health:

What parts of your day brought you joy?

What events throughout the day caused you to have a bad emotion?

What can you be thankful for right now?

For whom are you thankful today?

Which areas of your life do you believe you are succeeding in?

What areas of your life do you believe need the most work?

At any time in the past, write a letter to yourself.

Send a letter to yourself in the future.

What can you do tomorrow to improve your happiness in the future?

Are you content?

Complete the sentence: I'm sorry...

Complete the sentence: I'm proud of myself because...

What features about myself do you like?

What about yourself do you dislike?

What would the perfect day entail for you?

What motivates you?

What does the future you envision look like?

Why do you feel secure?

What emotions do you have towards the people in your life and the connections you have with them?

Create a letter that you can read when you're having a terrible day.

Conclusion

Starting a thankfulness book or a mental health journal is one of the greatest strategies to deal with mental health problems, or even just get through tough times. It's a secure place where you may let go of any bad emotions or consider a challenging circumstance you may have encountered. It may improve your everyday routine and is a good approach to getting outside of your comfort zone. Think about the therapeutic advantages of concentrating on the good. You can reflect on long-term objectives and the potential for personal growth by recording your deepest thoughts in a diary entry. It might serve as a springboard for daily writing that focuses on good news, your favourite spot, and the reasons you're a nice person, and, in general, is a potent tool for bringing out your innermost feelings and best self.

Bujo content - all set up for April. I use the May list as a loose planning for next month. My weekly is set up to help me keep track of certain things for my therapy sessions so it’s a bit out the norm.. hence I haven’t shown each day.

The theme/concept I went for is a little light academia a little love letters - April 9th is my first wedding anniversary which is the paper anniversary so… yeah.

"This is my diary! Dave got it from the anime stuff store."