why does it feel like...

ppl: believe victims!!

me: im a victim

ppl: actually u should be able to forgive and understand ur abuser and stop blaming them for being shitty bc they had a sad upbringing, actually, did u know,

as well as

ppl: yeah, fuck snake

someone else: yknow hes accused of being abusive too

ppl: omg yeah its probably 100% true and im not gonna question it further bc I hate him so much and i'm gonna act like its fine he was abused and my hatred and possible attempts to sabotage him is always justified in spite of doing abuser apologia earlier against him

TW bipolar discussion and nonconsensual kissing, mental health discussion

So about Saturn Girl kissing Jon without his ability to consent to it: I get that she isn't actively deciding to mind control the people around her, but she does have a choice in the matter. Her family wanted her to stay home until she could control her mind control powers, but she didn't want to and left. To me that's like if I noticed I was manic (not hypomanic) and didn't go to the mental hospital... Like I can't control my bipolar but I have the choice to stay away from others when it would harm them. That's not even a good comparison though because my judgement isn't clear enough to consistently do that when I'm manic, whereas she is at baseline and is able to think rationally. I wouldn't blame someone with bipolar because they have no choice, but I'm just saying the obvious choice would be to keep yourself away from others even if it's not fun for you. I feel like I can blame her, because she has a choice.

I do sympathize with her, but I really think she's hurting others disproportionately to the distress she feels stuck at home, and that's not okay.

If you look back on the events with the knowledge that she can't turn off her mind control, you see how manipulative she is, especially to Jon, and she does high-control group tactics: love bombing, isolation, guilt tripping, not letting him have rest alone where he would have time to realize he didn't want this.

I don't like the JonDami narrative that Jon was an asshole for leaving Damian in the past or was running away from his problems, because in my view he was dragged into a cult and I can't blame him for that, especially because he was extremely vulnerable at the time. I also don't believe Jon would have left in the first place if he knew up front that he couldn't bring Damian to at least visit him.

Jon had been in a state of fight or flight for around 6 years (not just talking about the volcano because there was also his verbally abusive grandpa and their deadly adventures and being trapped in space, and then him struggling to survive on the streets and trying to find a way home after he escaped) and the first time he really got a chance to cool down was when he was talking with Damian. He really needs a long break, therapy, and medication because what he went through can't be treated with therapy alone as the stress has chemical effects in the brain that need to be adjusted.

The writers don't care about how Jon should be extremely hypervigilant and defensive and anxious. I guess that's just not brave enough for a superhero, nevermind that leaving the house and getting treatment for these things, learning to trust again, and letting people help you is so much braver than punching guys when you have superpowers. It's natural to fight when your fight or flight is activated in a protective manner, but doing the logical thing when every signal in your body is telling you not to is really damn hard. The only coward is DC for giving Jon trauma and not actually writing a traumatized character.

That all being said, Damian clearly doesn't see how Jon is being manipulated, probably because his head is full of self hatred & doubting & repressed desires to ask Jon to stay, and thinks he needs to go against his abandonment trauma by swinging the pendulum too far in the opposite direction in his speech. With his c-ptsd and abandonment issues I can see him becoming bitter towards Jon for going to the future.

That could make for a really complex fanfiction, don't you think? The conflict coming from their unique life experiences and traumas, and them learning to understand each other like they're always doing. This misunderstanding of intentions born not out of something dumb like hearing the wrong thing or being unclear in language, but from their different points of view.

My jondami au where Jon leaves the legion early is calling me lmao "Isaac we have more problems for you to fix~"

That being said I have no exclusivity to these ideas for writing.

Yo so I am confused. I can't tell if I'm aromantic or of I'm just terrified of other people. Like I love sex, big ole slut 10 out of 10, and my friendships are deep and expansive. But when someone wants to hold my hand or does I become physically nauseous. I've been like this since I was 17. I have had long term relationships where I was comfortable holding hands but that hasn't happened in 5 years. Non sexual affectionate touch makes me so uncomfortable and claustrophobic.

And in my past relationships where I did finally feel comfortable holding hands and cuddling, I have been cheated on, sa, given a sexual transmitted infection because my partner was cheating on me, promises never fulfilled, taken advantage of financially, ect.

How do I tell if I'm like this cause I don't trust people or because I'm aromantic? Do I need to heal more or is this not a changeable thing? How do people tell?

hi!

i think this is a fairly complex question, and the answer is going to be similarly complex. to start with, I'm glad that you are comfortable with your sexuality and know yourself so well! I am also so incredibly sorry that you have experienced the trauma of a bad relationship.

As far as your questions go: I think it's restrictive to phrase it as two options,

I am aromantic and not traumatized by other people

I am traumatized by other people and not aromantic.

I'd strongly encourage you to consider that it is not only possible, but entirely normal to be both aromantic and to have experienced trauma around other people, even to have become aromantic due to trauma, and that whether or not one "stops" being aromantic during trauma healing is generally a question as complex as the trauma itself.

I think the only way to know if trauma has influenced your orientation is to allow yourself the time and space to heal. If it is at all reasonable for you, find a therapist. The majority of individuals have had some level of traumatic histories, and it's really important to have a neutral 3rd party that can help you untangle your thoughts the way a therapist is trained to. If you find that you don't click with something about your therapist, practice articulating that to them. It's normal and expected that not every patient and therapist click, and you can absolutely ask to try something different, and failing that, transfer to a different individual.

Due to the complexity of trauma therapy, we can't offer you a simple answer, or a simple question to ask yourself. We grew up in an emotionally abusive family, and as we've learned to heal, we've become more and more certain in our aromantic identity. Others find themselves able to let others be closer, and may find themselves experiencing attraction in circumstances similar to or different from before their trauma. Others still will find themselves feeling stronger attraction than before their trauma, and may even accept that they may have repressed more attraction before the trauma they knew of. I can't tell you where you'll fall - only time, space, and patience will tell.

However it goes, I think it's valuable to enter therapy knowing it is normal to experience worries around trauma and its impacts on you, and it is likewise hard to admit that perhaps you've never really learned how to heal. Your therapist will likely ask your goal in therapy; don't worry about having a perfect answer. You can just as easily say "I am struggling with my identity due to past relationships, and I'd like to explore my identity without feeling so weighed down" as "Some thoughts have been weighing me down, and I don't know how to handle them. I'm hoping for help, and I don't know what that looks like yet." This isn't graded - this is just an initial chance to understand why you came in, and how you think.

the tldr really comes down to, "right now, you are probably aromantic and have trauma. With a therapist, you can work through that trauma and explore yourself without trauma weighing you down."

I hope this helps! this will be filed under both "am i aro" and "advice".

welcome to the fucked up spine blog!!!

hey! i'm crow&, and this is my blog for specifically talking about my spinal cord injury (atlantoaxial instability/AAI) and the way it's disabled me and impacted my functioning.

my blog is by and for people with neurological disabilities, neurocognitive decline/disabilities, and spinal cord/brain injuries. people with intellectual disability are also welcome in this space. details & reasoning are under the cut.

if you want a blog that allows a wider variety of people to participate, you can go to my general blog @crowpunkco.

i've been a cripple & activist for at least 4-5 years now, primarily disabled by hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome and related dysautonomias, but my AAI became debilitating about a year ago. this is a space for me to talk about my experience with it.

people with the following can interact:

neurological disabilities includes disabilities and injuries of the physical brain (not psychology or development), spine, and nerves. it includes brain injuries, spinal cord injuries, epilepsy, chronic migraine, and similar. it does not include neurodevelopmental disorders like autism and ADHD, and it does not include mental illnesses. not all neurological disorders are neurological disabilities. (it's not my fault the terms are similar)

neurocognitive disorders/disabilities includes cognitive decline and impairment caused by physical conditions. this includes mild cognitive impairment (the disorder), dementia, chronic delirium, and traumatic brain injury.

spinal cord/brain injuries includes what it says on the tin. nontraumatic spinal cord injuries as well as severe CCI and AAI are included because... well, obviously, that's what i have.

intellectual disability is one disorder/disability/diagnosis. it doesn't include learning disabilities/difficulties. i don't have this, but i trust people with ID, and my NCD is much closer to ID than anything else

anyone else can follow if they like, but are absolutely not welcome to reply or add commentary unless explicitly asked for.

but why?

this is an extremely hard thing for me to talk about, and it's basically impossible for people with these disabilities to talk about our experience without someone derailing it--usually people with disabilities that do not impair their functioning to nearly the same degree who minimize whatever we're trying to talk about. it's exhausting and i just don't have the energy for it.

tags

TBA

Could we see prompt 23?

Yeah sure, here you go :)

(it's honestly mainly stuff that would have presumably already happened before any story events I would write)

((also special little appearance from AU 55 which runs in the same universe (55 is basically plot for 23))

tw: death, perma-death, torture, mentions of suicide

also a few dsmp characters are mentioned but it is very much a hermitcraft AU, they're just there because they fit the roles I needed.

also also they're basically formatted in giant text blocks bcs i write on docs on my phone (took me so long to paste it in because tumblr actually has a limit to amount of characters in one big text block)

23

Perma-deaths. Most people aren't immortal, and even the ones who claim to be actually just have a slower degradation(?) rate than others. degradation, aka how likely someone’s next death is to be permanent, is represented by a number (percentage? work with numbers first then maybe compare to using percentages instead, supposed to be confusing to people who haven’t trained in the system). when an admin reaches a high enough clearance level they learn about such degradation scores and are taught how to access them to see how at risk a player is in an emergency (ie. suicide, long stays on anarchy servers, kidnapping/experimentation, etc.). it is possible to see the past history of when the number changes however that requires the assistance/one-time permission from one of the highest admins, usually an admin can only see the singular number. In order to view the number an admin has to look  directly at the player’s code, which makes it a giant privacy violation (thus why only for emergencies). The fact that this is even something that can be done is kept on a very need-to-know basis. if a player is in danger up to three friends can be informed of the danger (how likely they are to experience a perma-death, not the manner in which the admin knows), additionally it is very rare for admins to be taught of it in the first place, usually limited to high-up/trusted, typically natural-born admins (X is natural-born) as well as admins running particularly high-risk servers (ie. hermitcraft’s ‘safe space’ category for many creatures and hybrids). anarchy admins are not allowed to know unless under very dire circumstances. there is currently heavy research as to what causes the score to go up (or down, very very rarely), and the general consensus is that it is higher when one is very young and old (specific age varies by species), it typically mellows out around the young child (no longer infant) stage and is typically very close to 0 by teen years (scale is 0-10, goes into specific decimals, highest number currently recorded is an 8.7, most people perma-die before their number reaches 8.5, typical average without unforeseen complications is 7.9.) preexisting health conditions, gained health conditions, traumatic temp-deaths, random chance, and general unidentified factors all raise the score. additionally, anarchy servers (servers in which the world is set to a mix or hard and hardcore, in which deaths are almost always traumatic but don't typically outright ban/delete your code + kick you from the world) are easily the quickest way of a score increase, typically why many anarchy players die easily despite seeming very strong/healthy. If a player has experienced multiple traumatic deaths before their teens, or an excessive amount in their teens, they can face a drastic increase in number or, in the first case, not have their number decrease as they leave the child stage (typical in players who have grown up/lived on anarchy servers from a young age) (also why all players are given multiple chances to leave anarchy players (if they can make it to the exit, many servers try very hard not to let them, which is technically illegal but hard to enforce)). Hardcore servers aren’t quite as bad as anarchy servers, a players number is automatically set a bit higher than usual while on server but experiences a slower incline while/after playing than an anarchy player would (ie. higher chance of on-server perma-death, lower chance of post-server death).

Much research is being done into ways to lower the degradation score but not much has been found. Many suspect a higher entity to be involved (Kristen/death is highly tied to it but it's really just natural, not her doing. Phil perma-died on his hardcore world bug had spoken with Kristen while on-server and they’d fallen in live so Kris used gold-privileges (she’s not entirely sure how and doubts she could (or wants to) do it again) to set his number to 0 after his death so he can technically still die he just has an abnormality long lifespan. Similarly Techno’s voices (remnants of the blood god) absorb some of his added score which gives him a lower degradation rate despite being a common anarchy player, this absorbed score does however transfer over into bloodlust in situations of extreme emotion. Nearly all immortals simply have very slow rates or naturally long lifespans. On the topic of stopping the rate, most don't mess with it as it is clearly divinity-related and they don't want to anger gods (a few have tried and they did not meet good ends). however a small group of once-rogue admins now known as the Watchers had ties to Herobrine, who was a god of destruction and, in his bid to cause such, gave the Watchers the knowledge of how to artificially raise the degradation rate (void rot pog) just before a few other gods teamed up to trap him (gods/deities are the only true-immortals, they have no degradation rate). Eventually the Watchers tired of destroying and, realising that they themselves would one day die (the void rot they used on others also slightly sped up their already slowed rates) sought to find ways to stop it. They began to experiment on anarchy players who would not be missed, avoiding the gaze of deities by hiding deep in the void, close enough to the abyss that their trace was masked and washed away. Eventually theys et their eyes on EVO due to Grian being a natural-born admin (they hadn’t been able to get their hands on one before due to high guarding) as well as an anarchy-raised player. (YHS and ‘terra’ aka earth were anarchy servers, so he essentially stayed in anarchy until he left YHS. Pearl was also there at first (siblings yey. Timmy’s adopted), but after Grian was abandoned in Japan her parents took her off-server). Grian had a skill for code and bendable morals as well as a slightly off view of perma-death due to his upbringing so he’d discovered the degradation rate on his own without contact with the main council. The time-jumping was a Grain-intended feature of EVO but the Watchers offered to help and he (like the basically-child he was), agreed due to them claiming to be ‘invested admins’. the Watchers fiddled with the code throughout the updates to see if anything would change the DRs of the players. Eventually they realised that the continuous traumatic deaths Grian had experienced as a child, while raising his rate with each one, basically slowed the natural progression to 0, they took him after the ender dragon fight and used a sigil to make sure the players couldn't talk about what happened with anyone (even people who already knew).

The listeners were a second group of admins that were also trying to find ways to reduce the DR but did so through more scientific and moral ways, Martin and Jimmy were contacted by them while on EVO and were able to tell them some of what was happening before the Watchers implemented the sigil. Anyways the Watchers took Grian and, having a solid way to perma-kill someone by forcing their number up (highly, highly painful + traumatic void rot), decided to force his number up while ensuring he didn't perma-die by pseudo-setting his DR to 0 (they figured out how to do this by essentially freezing the target in a time loop, however everyone they had previously used it on perma-died immediately after leaving the loop). Grian was essentially stuck in an infinite loop of dying to void rot to the point his already high number reached 10 and overode itself back to a permanent technical 0, actual 10 in which every death is experienced as a perma-death (highly painful, leaves scars and pain lasting months afterwards, almost always results in some form of ptsd), but functions as a temp-death, aka he perma-dies but doesn’t stay dead. The Watchers don’t realise this though and think, after he comes out of the loop with his number at 10 and an immediate perma-death that they failed again. Grian meanwhile gets pseudo-yeeted into Kristen’s domain where she starts to treat him like a dead soul (he is relieved, void rot deaths hurt and he’s always cold now) before he is -painfully- torn back to the living. the Watchers though he was perma-dead so they had burned his body, leaving him to respawn at a glitched respawn point in the Watcher library. He panics in general but even more so when a Watcher comes in and self-preservation skills kick in and he writes over his own code in a panic to match that of the Watcher’s, unknowingly marking himself as an apprentice archivist. He ends up being forced yo go along with the pretend role for a long (but unknown amount of time (void/Watcher time shit is yucky)) before he rises high enough in the ranks to gain access to the research on stopping/slowing the DR. He realises that's what they are trying to do with him (he’d been looking into it beforehand but really only came to the ‘torture’ conclusion.) (Watchers go out of their way to avoid any kind of death so he didn’t experience any more temp-perma-deaths while with them) and ends up -after plans and allies (bigB?)- copying the information just in case before escaping in ::sparkles:: dramatic fiery destruction :::sparkles::, some of the Watchers die and ‘Xelqua’ and their allies are marked as traitors and enemies. The Watchers work to regain their progress but Grian had set up an excessively strong sigil to block any knowledge of it from them so they work to break that first. Grian ends up self-sacrificing to get the others out safely (he’s seen his degradation rate and knows any death will be permanent) as well as partly selfish reasons (suicide oof). He has a breakdown when he and Kristen realise exactly what’s happened and that he won’t be able to stay dead despite experiencing such painful deaths. The most Kristen can do is set his spawn point to one of his old friends (Mumbo’s) singleplayer worlds in hope that Mumbo can at least help Grian get away and stay away from the watchers.

55

As a watcher (Or HC 23) Grian can’t die, the Hermits get captured ((ex-)watchers? (good watchers + anarchists accidentally broke G’s perma-death %?) anarchists?, ex-admins?) and the capturers decide to torture the Hermits to get to X. Eventually they come back with an experimental (hacked in, very illegal) potion that temporarily forces a player to experience any deaths while under its effects as perma-deaths, but still respawn later as if they were normal deaths. They use it on one hermit for a bit before Grian pisses them off enough (and they realise X is the closest with him (platonic love pog)) that they use it on him. X begs them to stop and eventually they stop and leave him to bleed out after they know the potion has worn out. The hermits are chained up and can’t reach him to help, he dies. And then he doesn’t. They forgot to chain him up and while he is too weak to even really stand up, he does manage to send a distress signal (to who? Watchers? admins?) before passing out. People come back and think he barely survived and decide to use the potion again as a ‘reward’. Most of the hermits just think G got lucky and the potion hadn’t worn off, a couple (who?) realise he actually did die but he came back somehow. Eventually they are rescued (probably by the watchers (make the group that first broke G’s % ex-watchers/a rogue group))

enjoy :3 (feel free to ask more questions if you want, I am always happy to brainrot)

Ever since I moved out of my toxic childhood home, I have entirely lived on my own. The last six years, I took care of myself. Being alone was the only way I knew how to feel safe. It only reaffirmed this belief when my ex dumped me after a mere three months of living together (after 3 years of long distance dating). Needless to say, I was terrified to move back home, forced to face a life where I can no longer afford to live independently.

I ended up moving in with a couple of old friends. I was so scared to live with others again. I was sure that I would go crazy, not having the space to myself.

It's been almost two months since then already, and I am now realizing how much I needed this. Just simple human interaction. Quality banter. A little group to rely on when you have a rough day. Taking turns with chores and looking out for one another. This isn't even close to an ideal situation (since neither one of my roommates support my chosen pronouns and still use my deadname)... but the whole situation gives me faith for the future. This means I'm not a lost cause. I've not been ruined for having a social life. I'm not actually antisocial. Hell, I'm not even an introvert... I'm just traumatized and need help coming out of my shell. Learning how to trust again... It's hard shit!

Someday, I'll belong to a community that is healthy for me. Just a wholesome group of queers helping one another achieve our dreams in this unforgiving world.

I'm happy to have things to look forward to again.

DID vs. PTSD: A Surprising Showdown

After spending months basically going door to door looking for a therapist, I finally met one that's taken a particular interest in the way my PTSD and DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder, aka "multiple personalities") fight against one another rather than compound on one another.

It all started today when I was feeling generally Angry about some bad memories I had stewing in my head from the days when I was still in my abusive biological father's custody. You don't get DID without an element of abuse or neglect at a young age, so it's not a big shock to hear folks/systems talk casually about a traumatic event. Mine comes largely from my biological father, who I very seriously refer to as a psychopath. After many years of describing him to mental health professionals across different focuses in my own journey toward finding the right doctor, "psychopathy" is a word I've heard used a lot by them in response. This isn't to say all psychopaths are bad people or inherently abusive. I just happened to be stuck with one that was.

Like a lot of people with PTSD, there are days or moments where my head feels stuck in a particular moment, and it's hard to shake off the negative emotions that result. I've done enough work that I can generally make progress in pulling myself out of ruts like that if I have an opportunity to talk through exactly what's going on in my mind. I mentioned to my therapist that I often sink into my DID and embrace my alter personalities for help in wiggling loose from the cycle of memory and emotion. It's a very natural behavior for me, because many of my memories that took extensive work to recover were a result of my alters "returning" them to me. Memories of dissociative events aren't entirely lost to my brain, and are instead stored by the personality/ies that were in the forefront of my consciousness at the time an event occurred. With enough work learning how to communicate and negotiate a symbiotic relationship with them, they gradually began "giving back" the memories to me.

My therapist stopped me at this point. We were on a video call, and I could see she was intrigued and perplexed at the same time. She asked me, "Can't you ask for your memories back since you learned to speak back and forth with them?" (For context, I didn't learn how to talk freely with my alters until I was about 28. Before then, the little buggers were very stealthy and hiding as the characters from books I'd written)

"I can," I said, but I had to qualify it. "They don't always agree to do it."

I'm used to the jot of concern that comes on any therapist's face when they're first learning about how my DID ticks. At first blush, some of our "protocols" seem restrictive and on the edge of giving them too much control. I personally welcome the system and was part of its construction, because when you have people in your head that can take your body for a walk on a whim, forming positive relationships built on trust and firmly-established boundaries keeps everyone feeling like they've got an equal space to work from.

So, she asked, "What happens when they're not sure if you're ready to remember something?" - A great question, by the way, because we're not flawless. My Team, as I prefer to call them, aren't perfect. Quite a few of them struggle with basic etiquette like wearing pants. Plus, making it a rule that they're capable of flaws keeps things interesting and promotes growth and communication, in my experience.

"I'm given options," I said in return. "I can either remember through a dream. If the memory is too intense, the dream can be trashed and forgotten before I wake up. It subverts a lot of the damage of letting the flashback play out completely." I'll wake up feeling distraught and upset, but the finer details of the memory will be completely gone. It kind of feels like my Team is able to quickly reset my brain to its most recent previous version in the event of a mistake like that.

She nodded along while I continued. "The other option is to remember while awake, but the memory is altered by the personality that remembers it. Instead of remembering as though it's happening all over again, the memory will be tweaked so the other personality is physically present and capable of intervening or speaking through the memory, and even outright changing what happens in it."

This is where my therapist's interest reached its most piqued. I'd used a real example where my biological father had attempted to harm me in response for something I'd said back to him. It was one of the more intense moments that I'd ever dissociated and switched personalities with my Enforcer. I dissociated from the event so intensely that she was able to manifest more strength than normal and seriously injured my biological father. He wound up in the hospital getting emergency surgery, and I remembered none of it.

My therapist began to explain a form of memory regression therapy that utilized similar tools, except the imaginary helpers were usually real people, such as loved ones and friends. Through this therapy, the survivor could reenact a traumatic moment while experiencing the sense of support and protection provided by the volunteers.

"It's like your alters have learned how to do that organically to help you heal," she concluded, looking off in the mid-distance while she fiddled with her glasses. I pointed out that what I'd just described was why I wasn't going to her for help with my Team or my DID.

She asked me one final question before our session came to a close. "How is it that you got the negative-presenting ones to become positive helpers?"

She was referencing Marchosias, one of my Team that scared the shit out of me throughout my childhood. It's not weird for kids with DID to perceive their alters - especially negatively-tuned or aggressive ones - as paranormal activity. Marchosias was the only one of my alter personalities that actually did physical harm to me - mostly through scratches. Otherwise, I would perceive him as trying to drag me out of bed by my feet at night, shaking my bed, or chasing me down hallways to try and pull me into dark rooms. One of the reasons I became a practicing Druid at 14 was as a coping mechanism for learning how to fight what I thought was a demon.

I explained to her, "I eventually figured out how to see that scary time through his eyes." Alter personalities aren't necessarily born into the world knowing everything (or more) that the brain they're living in knows. Some are confused and need guidance. Others are aggressive and angry because they can sense the stress and trauma of the primary ego, but don't know how to help or make it stop.

I had to talk to him for a long time and ply him with encouragement. Marchosias isn't proud of the way he treated me when we were both surviving. My biological father was a big guy - about 6'3" and always 200lbs+. I'm a small person, and that's when it clicked.

Marchosias was trying to abscond with me, as it were. The rooms he tried to pull me into were ones that my biological father couldn't easily fit into, like a small side bathroom or an honest-to-god closet. The scratch marks I got on occasion were from his clawing attempts to pull me out of where I was to drag me to where I'd be safe, even if that was just under the bed.

He was treating me like an adult trying to take a frightened pet to a vet. I couldn't understand the scope of what he was trying to do, and as far as I could tell some eldritch entity was Trying To Take Me Away, but our relationship underwent a serious mending once I understood that he was trying to take me away from where the trauma was originating from.

All in all, it was a very intriguing session, and further substantiation that DID, systems, alters, teams, multiples, or whichever is your preferred term isn't just a source of dysfunction; it has the power to form abstract methods of healing, too.

I'm really curious about something and i want your honest answer to it . I choosed to ask you goldy cause 1) you'r part of the LGBT community 2)cause you don't fake things.

If you were an artist/musician and you were invited to be part of QATAR world cup ceremony knowing their rules (ofcourse everyone knows about the rules they established against gay people) would you accepted to be part of it ?

If I'm me... hmm. Tricky. There are several of us in here

In one hat, I mean if the pay is good shit💀

I'll take it damn

For 1million dollars I will throw yall under the bus real quick no cap🤡

Call me Judasia six peno

Ceo of fuck yall limited

But then I might end up throwing up on stage, sweating profusely and shaking terribly staring into the cameras everyone finna know somethings up.

They say Qatar is like South Korea but rainbow 🌈 flags aren't banned in SouthKorea and people don't get deported for being gay and there's a whole gay club in itaewon☹

South Korea im told holds queer festivals annually and are making significant strides in inclusivity and acceptance of the gay community. Can't say same for Qatar yet yall want me to stop seeing that country as the boogeyman🥺

In another hat,

Having been terrorized all my life, having been disowned and betrayed by people I trusted because of my sexuality, having experienced all the oppression and trauma and bigotry in my social circles and work environment- not knowing who would deny me a job opportunity because they are Christian and strictly anti gay or who would bombard my work to traumatize them into cutting me loose because people like me are bad influence on children, not knowing who would walk into a space I called my safe space to rain bullets on me and end my life-

Having had to defend my right to be whoever I want to be and want to love, having battled my way through therapy to learn to accept myself and love myself and come to terms with who I am

Having learned to cope through humor and self deprecation, humoring things no one should make light of

Having recently dealt and still I'm dealing with the highest form of homophobia so great it turns my life upside down, and not being able to openly share this because if I do I compromise my own safety

Having seen and watched Iranian athletes stand up against their illegimate government and in solidarity with oppressed women

Having lost friends to Suicide because they couldn't deal with being alienated, stigmatized, shamed and disgraced for coming out

Having slapped a bitch in the face for calling me the F word to my face

NEEEEEEEEUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

You couldn't hypnotize me to Qatar if you tried

And especially if I had so much power and relevance as a male artist with millions of fans all over the world- Qatar would have to ride my dixk hard

Now if I wasn't ElGeeBeeteeCue I WOULD STILL BOYCOT THAT EVENT COS YOU BET YOUR ASS ILL BE AN ALLIE

But if I were a closeted gay man from one of the most influential boybands on earth, I will take the gig and perform at the center of the city and let them know the dramatic irony- a gay man did that on their soil😌

Look at me, respect the love, to those who have imagination💀🤡

ALL INVITED. One two rendezvous

He managed to squeeze in all the gay buzzwords 🤣 that got others banned

Anyhow, one plus one is two

That said he broken my duck taped heart

I've lost the will to live

Ray, sorry for dropping in, but you gotta hear this bullshit I got to "enjoy" on my first day off.

A while ago, I made a post about asexuality and how it impacts people like me (aroace) in the real world and in online spaces (general stuff, no we are not fancy straight and no we are not straight spies sent into queer spaces to infiltrate and no we are not molested or traumatized and no, fucking us does not turn us "normal"). Just, you know, phrased better.

And this whole ass CHILD went up in my DM's to argue with me. Normally, I don't care, but the real kicker? They have "bisexual" (and their age, thats how I knew they are a child) written right there in their blog yet they PROUDLY regurgitated biphobic rhetoric to my face by simply changing the "bi" into "ace" and thought they did something! As if I don't know biphobic talking points when I see them with my own damn eyes! The "basically straight" and "you can pass as straight" was a very "nice" touch to the whole shitshow. Then they proudly finished up the whole tirade with "and I know you're not lgbt because you called yourself queer, no gay does that 🙄"

I HAVE NEVER SEEN SUCH BULLSHIT BEFORE IN MY LIFE

I though shit like this only happened in like homophobic facebook groups, not to my own damn face and unprovoked on TUMBLR DOT COM. Some children should NOT be on the internet and it fucking shows. I swear if they came here from that damn bird app, I will fucking lose it.

Nevermind that, had to vent and I trust you, you are a very cool and kind person. How has your day been?

Oh trust me darling I completely understand the need to vent after something like that.

At the risk of sounding like an internet old, it has been buck ass wild to watch so much of the younger generations just willfully ignore not only long established internet/fandom decorum but to just willfully ignore the realities of social issues like queer history because it doesn't fit into whatever social media sanitized version of queerness they think is reality.

And, to be honest, it's not even the ignorance itself that bothers me. Because we were all young and misinformed and raw in some way or another once upon a time. We had the passion but not the nuance, the drive but not the vocabulary, etc etc.

What bothers me is this deep trend I've been seeing where there's just this absolute unwillingness to learn.

I'm seeing it in queer spaces and I'm seeing it in fandom spaces and in the numerous ways those things cross over.

Kids who think they get to define what queerness is for everyone including their elders, who think they can come into clearly marked adult-only spaces and expect to be catered to, etc etc.

It's honestly sad and frustrating because I'm having to watch these kids dig up arguments that were already settled, argue things that were just considered unwritten law, and spout so many conservative/TERF/purity culture/homo-bi-ace-etc-phobic talking points while not even realizing that they are only arguing for their own oppression.

It's frightening in a lot of ways and it's one of the reasons why I push so hard to police my own corner of the internet and not put up with any of it in my spaces.

Oh Hunter, why are you here?

I know its a big mistake to post this but I must:

My dislike of Hunter doesn't stem from his character being particularly terrible (in the sense of him being an asshole personality wise), but more from his blandness overtaking screen time that is ultimately wasted.

People always argue against this by pointing out that Hunter is a clone of Belos' brother and so logistically he should provide a different perspective on Belos as a character and contribute something new to the show.

And I would agree on that if its wasn't for:

I'm sick of pet projects

It's no secret that Hunter is Dana's favorite and I feel like this little fact has impacted the show for the worst.

Writers often joke that they divide OC's based on categories like "sunshine", "the moody cloud", etc... Within this you have ,what I call, the torture pet. An OC that you love but constantly torture of the sake of ~angst~.

While this character doesn't bother me in the vacuum of the internet, it does start to get egregious when applied to a structured story.

A character who only exists to swallow on their misery can get tiring pretty quickly and its hard to pull off.

Hunter is a failed version of this.

He very much feels out of place and almost crammed into the storytelling. He often occupies episodes and comes out learning the same lesson over and over again. Compare that to other characters who progress at the speed of light in less than five episodes (We saw Amity go from bully, acquaintance, friend, and crush in a season. That's impressive).

And truthfully, its because Hunter's story doesn't offer much at all.

Belos & Hunter

He is written to be an angst white boy who trusts dictator of an Uncle but in reality his Uncle is evil and shit. Then after a time he finds out and realizes "its all been a lie😫😫😫" and becomes a good guy.

So I'm sick of this story, its stale, its bland, and its as white as white bread can get. Which is a shame because in Hunter's introduction it very much felt like they were going in a different direction. Even more it felt like threw Hunter we would get interesting insight into other characters.

But two things:

-The crew ultimately throw away Hunter's fun persona for the sake of dabbling in angst as soon as possible.

-Belos doesn't treat Hunter any different from any other character. He treats Hunter the same as Kikimora and Lilith. If that's the case, why is he here??? We already have Lilith and Kikimora to show he is a huge abuser. Like???

Despite being a clone of his brother, Belos doesn't react any differently (except for one scene). He is still as manipulative, still as demanding, etc...

You know who does provide a new look at Belos? The Collector.

With him we see Belos' true colors, when he worries, when he longs to go home, etc... This two gossip and I think that's neat.

We don't see Belos act this way with anybody else but the Collector, and that's the kind of intrigue I expected from Hunter.

The only scene we get that could allude to something new is when Belos sees Flapjack and shouts "Caleb" before attacking again.

Which means that the trigger for this traumatic memories wasn't Hunter, it was Flapjack💀. Making Hunter's uselessness in the story even more apparent.

Talking about wasting space, we should talk about:

Hollow Mind

So this is the episode they were hyping up, the episode they promised would blow on our minds. And its was meh.

In retrospect, this episode was a waste of time and a waste of concept. For the synopsis of "The characters get stuck in MAIN VILLAIN'S MIND" the show did a whole lot of nothing.

We retreated scenes we already knew and could interfere as an audience all for the sake of keeping Hunter's angst train going. We pushed Belos' backstory into the background just so Hunter can go "Oh no he is evil😫😫😫".

An episode that promised an interesting outlook on our main villain and protagonist had to be side stepped so the side character could cry more. GODAMN.

Final Thoughts

I know why the fandom loves him and all, but the reasons are dubious and i rather we admit that he is only liked because he is an angst character rather an interesting addition to the show.

More “my last therapist vs. my new therapist” musings nobody asked for: 

The therapy sessions with my last therapist were mainly focused on talking about traumatic experiences in my childhood. It was very healing and a big relief to say some things out loud that I never told anyone before! I’m thankful I had a safe space to talk about experiences of abuse with that therapist. But over time, it just became a stagnant approach. I processed my childhood pain and progressed on my healing path, but the therapy didn’t progress at all. It became more frustrating than helpful because I wanted to talk about the symptoms and struggles I face NOW and get some practical advice on how to deal with them, but no matter which topics I tried to bring up, my therapist just blamed *everything* (including my autism) on abuse and his only solution was to discuss the same traumatic memories over and over again. 

He was very much a “I believe in you” type of therapist. Which is a great thing when talking about abuse! “I believe you that you have been abused and I believe that you can heal from it” are wonderful messages. But again, that doesn’t apply to everything. “I believe you can heal from autism” isn’t as wonderful. He figured that since I am capable of verbal communication, I’m only “mildly autistic” and “mild autism would be something that goes away once you heal from your traumas”. At first, I thought of this as good news! But he got increasingly frustrated with me for “holding myself back” and “not wanting to get better” because my autistic behavior didn’t go away, and I took it on myself to educate myself more on autism outside of therapy and realized none of his viewpoints matched up with what I was reading. 

My new therapist clearly has much more knowledge on autism and the main focus in our sessions is to learn skills and techniques I can use in my daily life. It has been a lot more helpful, even after just the first few sessions, than years of therapy were before in that regard. But it also has been hard for the same reason: in our first solo sessions, he made a point of stressing that autism isn’t something that will ever go away or can be fixed, so there are no wrong expectations, or unhealthy comparisons with the others in the group sessions. Their anxiety symptoms may completely disappear after a few months of therapy, my autistic behavior won’t. And it’s good he’s aware of that, it’s good he’s open about that to manage my expectations.. and it’s still hard to hear. I won’t improve like others do. 

Which brings me to the last point: my last therapy was only solo sessions, this one is mostly group sessions. And I underestimated how *hard* group therapy is. Group situations in general are stressful to me, interacting with multiple people at once is exhausting and being emotionally vulnerable in front of them is even more so. It’s difficult for me to interact with strangers and even after multiple sessions they are strangers to me, which makes me feel excluded because they are all already talking about how much they trust each other and like each other and are becoming friends with each other, and to me they could as well speak gibberish when they say that. I genuinely don’t understand how they could feel that way when to me we are all strangers. I feel extremely socially overwhelmed and burnt out after the sessions, and at a session each Friday that leaves me feel burned out at least the whole weekend, only to then sorta feel burnt out in anticipation on Thursday, and that makes me feel like maybe group therapy isn’t a sustainable option for me. Which would suck since this therapist is so much more helpful than the last one and I feel like I finally found a therapist who actually “matches” my diagnosis.. and now I don’t deal well with the therapy format 

Hi Punemy. I just found one of your reboots on an It's a Wonderful Life post. And I was wondering how you're getting by now? I'm in a big corpo job and it doesn't pay enough to buy property too and I hit burnout. So I'm trying to figure out what people do to be happy out of traditionally "successful" roles and still. yknow. survive.

Hi friend. I'm so glad you reached out to me. I've... been having a lot of thoughts about this, so you'll see a rambling answer underneath the cut, because you're basically getting a distillation of my panicked 3am journaling.

In short: I wish I could tell you that I'm doing great or that I figured out the secret, because trust me, if I knew the secret I would share it so fast.

I thought I had my dream job when I landed an immigration lawyer position, except it burnt me out so badly I'm still traumatized from it, nearly two years later. Then I thought I landed my dream job in early 2023, when I got a great corporate counsel position with excellent pay and benefits... only to be forced out thanks to corporate nepotism and an industry I just... didn't fit in with.

I'm in therapy now, to deal with both of those things — both of those things and the burnout, but that's hand in fucked up hand, isn't it?

So you know what, I'm... not doing great.

And I think that's okay.

I'm so sorry to hear that you've burnt out. It's... hard. Incredibly hard. Therapy has helped me, and I think it would help anyone who has access to it — I can't recommend telehealth highly enough. The service I use right now is Sondermind, and it seems to be even more robust than my health insurance's website, for sure.

Beyond that...? Take it slow. If there's one thing I've learned since getting my license to practice law and bouncing from shitty firm to shitty firm, it's that I owe my employers only as much work as they pay me for. Nothing more and nothing less. And if I'm not finding joy in the work that I'm doing — be it the research or the culture — then it's time for me to bounce. I don't expect I'll ever own property, not unless my parents suddenly decide to retire back to India and leave me the house, and... that's okay. It has to be okay. It has to be okay because there are other things I can spend my money on. It has to be okay because the rainy day fund to sustain me while I'm unemployed is more important that the mortgage and the responsibilities I don't think I'm ready for. Maybe I'll be ready one day, or maybe I'll be fine in my tiny flat with my roommate and my collection of fountain pens.

Find joy in the world outside work. If you're paid for a 40-hour workweek, don't do more than that. Don't. Do, however, seek out friends. Go to museums and play silly games. Listen to music. Pick up a hobby. Go to therapy. Redefine what "success" means to you — when are you at your happiest?

I've been incredibly lucky to have a community of friends and family. I hope, truly and sincerely hope, that you also have a community of friends, Anonymous Friend. I hope you can lean on them when you need them. I hope they hold you up on your worst days and celebrate you on your best. Because there is no greater joy than having that community.

As for surviving outside of high-paying corporate jobs, honestly... I'm gonna say the cliché thing, which is that it's time for all of us to redefine survival. If we live in an era where owning property is no longer a part of our futures, then so be it. Tiny apartments it is — that doesn't mean you don't deserve to own your space for however long you live in it. Let every little joy build up on itself. Join a summer reading program and listen to audiobooks on your way to work, or call up your best friend on your way home. Take the time to look for work in fields you enjoy. Will you potentially take a pay cut? Maybe. But surviving on a smaller scale than what our parents had may just be what we have to do — and that's okay too. Maybe we'll make the world a better place for us down the line, but right now, we cling to what we have and survive.

Also, seriously, go to therapy. Can't recommend that enough.

I wish you well, friend. May you find strength and kindness in the many many years to come. And when it comes to burnout or bad days, remember, this too shall pass. And so too shall you, through it all.

MAG S4

oogfh here comes the concerns

I have lots of thoughts about S4 but all in all I DID enjoy it. I really did. But I also think this was the season that really exposed the prevalent writing flaws that tma had in general. 

I think first of all with S4 is that it was much harder to get through all of a sudden compared to S3’s brisk pace - there wasn’t enough levity. Not enough humour, and I can't stress how important the humour is in this damn story. I needed a giggle every ep even when it was dramatic and serious. And it made it emotionally difficult. (I know that's the point.)

I think I understand what particularly bothers me about S4 and honestly a prevalent problem in tma in general and it has to do with the fact it gets a little stale when people are so venomously angry for no reason. There is a lot of misdirected anger that was directed towards Jon - and I’m not just saying that as the audience just gets to see Jon as the most sympathetic. I like the conflict more when it's people struggling to understand and failing. Jon's a pretty good example because he's figuring out the best way to care but also succumbing to his own issues and faults. and I think the other characters don't get that same sort of treatment (Tim, Basira, Melanie, etc). And I get the audience wants to root for Jon, I really do. but the complaints make a lot of sense to me because it doesn't feel like anyone's trying to figure out the root issue and just stay angry all the time. people can be withdrawn for more complicated reasons. even with the Lonely/Ghost bullet very obviously affecting everyone it just feels. less human I guess. you can be resentful but there should be a push and pull tug, not "Everyone Hate Jon" party (especially when Elias was much more brutal in S3). There's more nuance to that and the podcast often fails to give them enough space to try. I think the closest they get to it is Melanie’s conflicting feelings, all of her trust being destroyed for her life to be saved. That was fun. I liked that. 

Other than that though, the plot beats are really good. REALLY GOOD. I think about the ocean door metaphor a lot because OF COURSE I DO it’s absolutely devastating that this analogy is explained to basira, who then never actually applies his explanation to anything useful. 

And now it’s time to accept that Jon's use of powers no matter how important it is to "the story" is traumatizing innocent people... it's hard to accept but as an audience you seriously have to fucking understand why no one trusts him at the institute even though he's nice. Also EXCELLENT use of a statement that wasn't compelled but also very comprehensive. That voice acting was incredible. it's MARTIN taking that statement it's already hard for us (rooting for Jon) I can't even imagine being in his position wanting to protect Jon over and over and over with his own life and hearing THIS. He has to actively hope Jon made this horrible decision because otherwise the only other option is that Jon is completely gone, and it's so upsetting,

Also I absolutely need Melanie/Georgie fics of them falling in love at the Institute. the implied emotions and feelings of that whole thing with JON, GEORGIE’S SUPERNATURAL EX BEING THE CENTER OF IT ALL. before they were decidedly going to live together like WHAT

And then the ending to S4. God what a culmination of everything we learned about, finally the payoff we’ve all been looking forward to. I know Jonny and Alex said it was really hard to nail the Jon and Martin dynamic because they have SO FEW INTERACTIONS in S4, and I like to imagine it really helped with their care in terms of writing them. Martin really shows the work he’s been planning in order to save Jon. Jon’s final mark is him willingly going to save Martin, no matter what. Elias’s wager being entirely based on his realization of the lengths they’d go for each other. “I see you” what a powerful way to reclaim a running motif, a twisted phrase in this story. The “hello Jon” statement. Seriously this was so fucking awesome and a great payoff for a bit of a bit of an unsteady, but jampacked season. I honestly saw S4 in its entirety and thought “yeah. You know what? S5, no matter what happens, I can trust the creators to at least create something satisfying and awesome at the end, they can stick the landing.” And that continued to be my confident assumption starting S5 (Spoilers. I regret believing that.)

==

[Masterlist] [1] [2] [3] [4] [5]

(talk to me!! send asks if you have any!)

Okay the first thing I *have* to say is that the Nico/Jense relationship is perfect! Fluffy Nico/JB is my absolute favourite and I just love the way you’ve written Jenson here. The way he’s fought so hard to get Nico safe and out of this dangerous toxic mindset and now his desperation to stop all of his hard work being undone by one tiny photo. And just his frustration as well is a very realistic reaction because it’s such a valid reaction when you feel like everything’s finally perfect just to be slapped in the face by this and it just feels likeone step forward and two steps back. You just feel hopeless. But still it’s the way Jenson never gave up on him and he still just wants him to be okay. And the bit about their home being a safe haven, it just tells you so much about how good this relationship is for Nico and how much jenson cares for him. The dynamic here truly is so beautiful done.

Also, the dramatic irony of “George survived so far. He can wait a moment longer.” !!! when George is barely surviving is just so heart wrenching and I love when writers use it as a tool!! And I think Nico definitely knows that too because he’s been where George is, he probably knows he can’t afford to just wait. For me Nico seems like he just wouldn’t let it go, no matter how much Jenson would want him to just leave this whole ordeal in the past, to stay happy and healthy where they are.

I was really curious to see how you were going to incorporate Nico into this because I really like him as a person and I think he’s truly fascinating to explore and I’m already loving how you’re doing it. Even though we’ve only read limited graphic details of Nico/Toto’s relationship so far, you can already tell just from Nico’s reaction and Jenson’s reaction to Nico’s that it was truly horrific and I really hope to learn more of Nico’s trauma and recovery as the fic progresses! I love the way you’ve been able to show the horrors of that relationship without even having to explicitly say it yet. The strong emotions of the characters are enough to tell you exactly how bad things got for Nico and how much of a struggle it was for Jenson to get him out and it just makes you feel sick when you see how easily Nico just shuts down at even the suggestion of George going through something like he had with Toto because, let’s face it, Nico’s a strong, resilient person so if he’s this negatively affected from just a mention of Toto, then you just know it’s bad. And also you have to think that if someone like Nico can be this affected, then how bad can it possibly get for someone like George who perhaps doesn’t share Nico’s confidence and strength…

In summary, I loved it and I absolutely can’t wait to see where this goes in the next chapter <3

Oh god, this analysis is amazing!! Firstly, thanks for putting your time into this!

Storytime! The other day I was talking to my partner about how I really didn’t trust myself in writing a genuinely loving relationship because I had been writing traumatic stuff for a while now. I really put a lot of thought in what shows a couple’s love for one another and tried to put them together for jenson and nico. Being able to love them in highs and lows, creating safe spaces, recognising their triggers, patience etc etc. Glad to see that it worked!

The sentiment of relapsing was really important and close to home for me. Relapsing sucks and feeling that you are just losing your hardly earned progress sucks worse. Being mature facing setbacks in mental health issues requires a lot of experience and patience. I felt like Jenson would be a person who has that.

That irony was truly something I hoped someone would catch on and you did! Thanks a lot for seeing that. Seeing people recognising your carefully placed easter eggs of writing is just priceless.

Honestly, Nico and Jenson’s reactions came very naturally because while trauma management vary greatly among people, we familiarised ourselves quite well with George’s and that was the starting point. Personalising it to Nico required a bit more work. Also I really felt like I needed to reiterate the importance of George’s age (seb, then nico) because I truly believe that shapes the experience tremendously. Nico was confident and resilient because he had a support system but also because he was at least 5 years older than George which actually changes everything when one is in their early 20s.

I really wanted to illustrate why George is in a much worse place than Nico. Nico had a support system, someone he could run to, someone who truly loved him enough to not give up. George only has himself and an equally clueless Daniel. So this has to be a group project.

Thank you so much for your kind words, they really make me much happier and prouder of my writing! You will figure out what’s going to happen next about the time I also figure it out!

Happy holidays!

Torque's Mission Log:

It's been some time after Brevon's attack. Time works differently depending on what planet you're from, but on Lilac's planet, it would be around three years. So far, the tyrant has been quiet and has shown no activity. It could either mean he has given up and is in hiding, or he seeks vengeance and is biding his time. Let's hope it's not the latter...

Today's mission isn't about Brevon, though. In fact, this mission wasn't even a mission originally assigned by the Coalition of Planets. It all started one day when I discovered the existence of the Multiverse...

I was giving my usual status report to higher ups of the Coalition of Planets, when what looked like a crack in the fabric of space appeared out of nowhere. That crack eventually opened into a gateway, and out came a strange creature with water for a head.

He introduced himself as Spoutman, and promised he was an ally. It's hard to imagine someone who looks like him as a dangerous enemy, but in my line of work, I've learned never to judge a book by its cover. With that said, we agreed to hear him out.

Apparently, this little guy also comes from a team that seeks to protect the universe, only it includes the Multiverse as well. Spoutman comes from a different dimension, and was sent by the team's leader, RiFT, to ask for help saving an individual whose planet has been attacked by creatures called "Scorches." In exchange for our help, they would provide a way to keep an eye on Brevon and aid us whenever he decides to attack. These terms seemed fair. We help someone in exchange for information about a dangerous tyrant we've been looking for. Helping people is our job, so we're pretty much be asked to do what we always do. Still, I kept my guard up. This Spoutman was a stranger, and we don't know the motives of his leader. Can we really trust someone who has the power to travel through dimensions? I know power doesn't make the person; It's what you do with it that counts. Still, if such a being had that kind of power and decided to use it for selfish reasons, they would be extremely dangerous. Best to stay on my toes.

After agreeing to the terms, another dimensional gateway appeared, and Spoutman warned me to be careful and to set Tristan to its water form. I was tempted to ask how he knew about my Elemental Blaster and it's name, but if RiFT knew about the existence of the Coalition of Planets, than he probably knows about our weapons as well.

We entered the gateway and was immediately greeted by flames. It seems these Scorches truly are creatures who cause fires like their names suggest. Spoutman seemed to know where to go, as if he had the area memorized. After clearing out the flames that were in our way, we finally reached the person of interest. She was a girl who resembled a plant. Spoutman referred to her as "Cosmo," and although she acknowledge that was her name, she treated Spoutman like a stranger.

Cosmo looked absolutely terrified, especially when near fire. It seems these Scorch creatures have traumatized the girl. Spoutman reassured her that we were here to rescue her. It didn't take long for the plant girl to take a liking to the water boy, which makes sense considering her fear of fire.

Spoutman urged us to hurry back to HQ, but as if it was waiting for Cosmo's location to be revealed, a feral creature made entirely out of fire attacked us. From the look of Cosmo's terrified face, it was safe to assume this was one of the Scorches Spoutman was talking about.

Spoutman and I immediately attacked the beast with our weapons, the water causing the monster to shriek in pain as well as shrink in size. Now the size of a walnut, the Scorch wasn't so threatening anymore. Spoutman told it to leave or else he'd be forced to completely extinguish it. The now cowering flame creature ran away immediately. After Cosmo embraced Spoutman out of gratitude, we wasted no time to get Cosmo to safety.

Some time after returning to the Coalition of Planets HQ, RiFT himself made an appearance to explain how he could use his powers to keep a close eye on Brevon using Dimensional Gateways to spy on him. If he ever makes his move, they'll be ready. Grateful for his help to put a stop to Brevon, the Higher Ups wished to aid RiFT in protecting the Multiverse by having me join them, to which I gladly accepted. After seeing Spoutman's bravery, I already consider him a comrade. Plus, with RiFT's abilities, maybe I'd be able to see Lilac and the others again much sooner than I thought. But for now, with RiFT's team and the newly recruited Cosmo, I've gained new allies who I'm proud to work with.

*End of Mission Log.*

(Torque and Cosmo have joined the party!)

Hum so…ardyn with a s/o who’s always quiet cause they have phonophobia? Ignore if this make you uncomfortable…and sorry for the others thing i send 😭-

No need to apologize for that! It honestly made me laugh because I had just gotten done reading the request when I saw I had another message saying it was incomplete haha

Now this one I needed to do some research on, so I apologize if I end up getting something wrong or if it's not accurate to the phobia, and if I portray wrong, please let me know so I can take it down and possibly redo it

I will also be doing this in the form of a short scenario since I don't want to mess it up.

I'm actually proud of this one because I suffer from a mental illness that can be very damaging and I do have something that can make me very sensitive to certain sounds, so I thank you for giving me the opportunity to write this!

I will say that there is a bit more angst than romance because I didn't want to romanticize a topic like this, so I hope you like the results!

Tw: Mentions of reader having a traumatic experience in the past, angst with a happy end

You've been quiet for a long time now, ever since you were a kid in fact. That's just how you were, but it wasn't because you were shy and didn't want to socialize.

There were times when you were rather envious of those who could freely talk and go out in public without have a cloud of anxiousness always having to hovering over them.

Now you did talk, but you just used your hands instead of your voice, it was a lot easier on you that way. Even your own voice could give you anxiety, so hearing others speak basically gave the same reaction.

You felt rather lonely because of this and not many people seemed to understand you or your phobia. But there's a reason as to why you're like this, the same reason as to why you can't hear the ringing of a bell anymore.

One day you were able to find someone who didn't judge you for this. Yeah, he was confused when you seemed scared of his voice, but he was curious as to why.

Over time the two of you grew closer, and you even had gotten somewhat used to hearing his voice. Ardyn even began to learn sign language since he wanted you to be comfortable around him, which meant a lot to you.

It took some time, but you began to finally trust him enough to want to be in a relationship together, and the way he asked is a moment that you'll never forget. Still makes you smile too.

He asked you in the form of sign language while surprising you with multiple bouquets of your favorite flowers. It was just a rather cheesy and simple way of asking to be his, but it still makes your heart flutter.

You've already been in a relationship for a five months and things had been going great, until recently, when your phobia took a turn for the worst.

You began to hide yourself away from any and everything, even from Ardyn. It's not like you wanted to though, it's just that things were becoming incredibly hard to deal with. You couldn't take it anymore.

He's been trying to give you your space, but he was getting increasingly worried about you. He's seen you have times when you've needed to be away from everyone, but this is the worst he's ever seen you get.

Ardyn knocked on the door, nearly cursing himself out of fear that the knocking sound would have set you off. He wasn't thinking since right now he's more focused on making sure you're alright.

Once the door was opened and he was now inside the room, he noticed a very you shaped lump under the blanket. Ardyn didn't want to jump to conclusions, but if he had to guess, he would check to see if you were under that blanket first.

When he got close enough, Ardyn took his hand and softly patted the foot of the bed letting you know how close he was, and that he wanted to talk with you.

It took a moment because you were fighting with your head on whether or not you should talk to him, but you eventually uncovered yourself and sat up so you two could talk.

You rested your back on the headrest while you waited for him to say what he needed to. There was this anxious feeling just resting in your chest that felt too heavy to deal with right now.

"Dear, I've been trying to give you your space, but I'm starting to get worried." He was mouthing the words as he was signing out all that needed to be said.

Anyone with eyes could see that you were not doing well. That you were just endlessly suffering, and he didn't want that for you. Ardyn wanted to help you grow so that you were no longer hurting.

There was a time where you tried to get help, but sometimes it's easier to stay the way you are, because it's all you've ever known, and you're quite scared of not knowing what's next.

"I know, and I will get help, I just need-"

"I've seen this cycle before, you're just going to keep hurting yourself if you continue it."

Ardyn was completely right, and you knew it. He was only trying to help you be happy because he knew that you could overcome this. He knew you had the strength to do it, you just needed a little push.

"I may not know what happened to cause this, or how long it's been tormenting you, but I see the toll it's had on you. And it doesn't look like you can take it much longer."

You could see the sincerity in his eyes, and you could feel the tears coming from yours. You really couldn't take much more of this, it was tearing you down from the inside out.

It was truly destroying you and Ardyn could see that. He honestly regrets not confronting you about it sooner. That he watched you suffer for so long, and that's something that will haunt him for a long time, but he wants to make up for that now.

You didn't even fight him, you were so worn out and drained that the only thing you could do was cry. Cry that you let so much of your life be controlled by this monster that was wreaking havoc on your mind, your everything.

Ardyn was by your side in seconds, making sure you knew that he would always be by your side through this, and that if you did get help, he was going to make sure you stuck with it.

He nuzzled his way into bed with you, holding you so that you felt safe and secure, but not too tight in case you got overwhelmed and needed the space.

There was one sound that you could stand, and that was the sound of his heartbeat. It was one of the only sounds that didn't bring you to the brink of madness.

After that day, you started to really think about what Ardyn said. You were tired of this constant loop you were in, and you just wanted out of it.

So, you told him how you were finally ready to put an end to it and seek out help. So that you could be happy, to which he was already looking up ways to do that before you even finished signing your sentence.

Ardyn had been a huge help in your recovery process. He wasn't joking around when he said he'd be there every single step of the way. He meant it.

While you were going to therapy to defeat the thing that's been haunting you since you were but a child, you started to realize and regret some things.

You started to realize the pain and stress you put Ardyn through when you could have gotten help, and the regret of stopping when you had the chance.

There was one day where you broke down to him.

"I'm sorry." You were able to croak out. You had gotten to the point where you could finally talk again.

You still had a long way to go, but you were making decent progress.

The random apology caught him off guard. "My dear, whatever are you apologizing for?" Did you do something while he had gone to the store for groceries?

"I should've done something sooner about this, but I didn't, and you suffered because of my actions." Your voice was seconds away from cracking, but you didn't care, you had to say this.

"Darling," Ardyn set down the bags since he did just get home. He walked over to you, resting his hand on your shoulder.

"You doing something about it now means more to me than you realize, you don't need to apologize for you past actions." He gently squeezed your shoulder as he looked into your tear filled eyes.

"There were times when it was hard and it did put stress on me, but I wanted to see you happy and better, I didn't want to leave."

"Are you not angry at me?" You seemed surprised at his calm expression and at the fact that there were no traces of anger nor ressentiment in his eyes

"Everything is now in the past, what's there to be angry about?" He gave you smile that never failed to wash away whatever worries you had. A smile that was incredibly contagious.

"I don't think I can ever thank you enough for being there for me when I needed you the most."

"Maybe helping me put up the groceries would be a nice start." His endearing smile turned into one of cheekiness, which only made you laugh even more.

"I think I can manage that." You said after giving him a quick peck on the lips.

It felt like the two of you had grown even closer after that day, and he continued you to help, even when it seemed like it was easier to just stop.

He was there to let you know that'd you never have to be alone through this ever again.