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jaeheewillalwaysbemyfav · 3 years

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helloooooo!! can i request some headcanons for the demon brothers with a MC that is Non Binary but is afab and insecure about being afab and doesnt feel like they are Non Binary. platonic or romantic either one is fine. thank you. also Jaehee is a Queen period.

I haven’t had Mystic Messenger installed on my phone for like a year and this blog is mostly, if not exclusively Obey Me rn, but I refuse to change my url because it remains true. Jaehee is the best and deserves the world <3

Also don’t mind me casually throwing in some Devildom/Celestial Realm gender headcanons as an intro~

Warnings: Mentions of gender dysphoria, internalized transphobia, insecurity gang rise up. I’ll try and keep it more general since this is meant to be a comfort/fluff piece.

The Brothers With an Insecure (AFAB) Nonbinary MC

As a whole, the Devildom doesn’t really do traditional gender. The variety in demons’ and fallen angels’ appearances makes for such a diversity of body types that markers of femininity and masculinity are easier to disregard. It’s commonplace to provide one’s pronouns along with their name when meeting someone new, and any changes in a demon’s presentation are noted with little more fanfare than a new haircut.

Even angels don’t really get preoccupied with gender: in fact, as MC discovered one day while talking with Luke and Simeon, most barely grasp the concept of what a gender is. Simeon had mentioned that this occasionally resulted in him forgetting the genders of his characters, resulting in TSL being extremely popular among transgender and nonbinary fandom communities.

But MC is not from the Devildom, nor are they from the Celestial Realm. They’re from the human world, with its reductive views on bodies, presentation, and identity. A year in the Devildom can’t erase a lifetime of cissexism.

Some days, it wears on them more than others.

Lucifer

Lucifer is always aware when MC’s self image starts wavering

As someone who has fought tooth and nail to remain true to himself, he understands the struggle of facing resistance to this

But the idea of it coming from within is somewhat foreign to him

Nonetheless, he’ll do anything within his power to make MC feel better

Will calmly, but firmly assert that MC is the only one who can determine their identity

It’s not about how they were born or raised, but who they know themself to be deep down

If it’s their gender dysphoria making them feel invalid, he’ll try and minimize it however he can

Need a different RAD uniform? No problem. Worried about being perceived a certain way? Anyone who stares at MC for too long or even dares to make a comment about their presentation is getting the Lucifer Death Glare.

Physical/body dysphoria? The Devildom has tons of temporary and permanent solutions for that, they can try whatever they’d like

It is vital for the success of the exchange program that all the students feel comfortable and well-accommodated

Also MC is very dear to him and he hates to see them suffering

Mammon

As soon as he notices MC is upset, he is READY TO FITE

Who’s been messing with them?!

What? They don’t feel like they’re really nonbinary? Are they questioning again, or—

Oh. Oh…

Well that’s stupid! What do you mean you don’t “look nonbinary”?! What’s there to look like? Humans are so weird about this stuff, look: you want to know what someone’s deal is, you ask! And their answer? That’s it! End of story, there ya go!

It’s not so simple in the human world, MC tries to explain

Mammon huffs and mumbles something about how it should be, but he can see this avenue isn’t making MC feel better

It seems whatever junk ideas the human world has about gender really gets into people’s heads…

Well, whenever Mammon wants to take his mind off of something, he opts for something exciting! Hitting the casino, making new plans that’ll definitely work this time, maybe even try and pull a prank on one of his brothers…?

But if MC just wants to cuddle and watch some mindless TV or play video games he doesn’t mind doing that either…

Leviathan

Levi knows, without fault, every single TSL characters’ pronouns and identities, if and how they change through the series, and between different media adaptations

He can (and will) list all the nonbinary characters like a gender Pokemon Rap, with special attention on those who match MC’s presentation and/or AGAB

(Not that AGAB is essential or even always available information, but dysphoria is not a rational creature, and Levi is very familiar with irrational emotions)

Would MC say that any of these characters aren’t really nonbinary because of how they look or how they started out? Then why are they any different?

But if something about their appearance is really bothering them, he might have a solution

Cosplay

Well, sort of

Crossplayers use all sorts of techniques to masculinize or feminize their appearance when necessary, and Levi’s pretty familiar with most of them

So if MC wants to try some out to see if it makes them feel more comfortable, he wouldn’t mind showing them! You know… if they’re… interested…

Also double-checks to make sure it’s okay that he calls them his “Henry” and assures them that it’s about the character’s role and personality, and not some sort of gender-based comparison

Unless... they like the comparison? andwouldliketocosplayasHenrytohisLordofShadows??

Satan

Who said this to you, MC.

Names. Now.

Boy gets frothing mad when MC explains it’s a societal and cultural problem, not an individual one, that fuels their insecurity.

If they don’t want to hear an hour long rant about the rich history of human gender expression and identity, they need to cut him off fast

If he could maim the concept of transphobia, he would

But alas, this is not a problem that can be solved (entirely) with violence

So he has to find other ways to show his support

Ask him about any notable trans, nonbinary, or otherwise gender nonconforming figures from human or demon history. He’ll happily tell MC all about them.

But, at the end of the day? In his opinion, there’s one person that shines above the rest

Someone who braved the longest odds, who persisted against the fiercest enemies and even turned them into their closest friends

Who saw others at their worst and sought to bring out the best in them…

*stage whispers* He’s talking about you

If there’s anyone who’s going to believe in the right to self determination and the irrelevance of your origins to your present identity, it’s Satan

And if anyone ever does try to tell MC that their doubts about themself are true?

Just give him their name and don’t ask questions

Asmodeus

So they’re worried about being too feminine? Is there such a thing?

If that’s the case, they can be “too feminine” together

Asmo’s gender nonconformity has earned him praise all throughout his life, so the idea of being ashamed of such a thing is alien to him

But he does know what it’s like to have an audience who expects a specific image from you

And the fear of disappointing them

But gender isn’t a performance

Well, it is, sometimes, poor choice of words: but it’s a performance for you

Asmo presents the way he does because it’s what makes him happy, same with the rest of the brothers

MC shouldn’t be any different

If they’re looking for a more masculine wardrobe or just want a change of pace, he’ll happily help them find clothes that make them feel more comfortable, but his main concern is that they know they’re free to wear what they’d like, act how they’d like, and it doesn’t change who they are

Whatever image they want to make of themself, he can get them there, but only if it’s because they want it, not because it’s what they think they’re supposed to be like, okay?

Beelzebub

When MC first confesses to Beel that they feel like they’re not really nonbinary because of their body, he kinda looks around and gestures as if to say “really? Down here?”

Has MC ever noticed that RAD doesn’t have gendered sports teams?

Yeah, if they separated people by something as irrelevant as gender or Diavolo forbid, sex, people would get seriously injured or worse

There are so many ways to be a man or a woman or a nonbinary person, and they’re not always what you’d expect

Some of Beel’s best teammates and scariest opponents look and act nothing like you’d expect them to

If they’re feeling disconnected from their body, Beel is totally down to work out with them, keep them grounded in all the good their body does for them and that they can do for it

And yes, also the good food their body lets them experience

He also definitely reaches out and gives their hand a lil squeeze if he ever notices them feeling down while they’re out together

He cares for them a lot and just wants them to be happy at the end of the day

Belphegor

Oh yeah, that’s one of the stupidest things about the human world

Belphie remembers being mistaken for a woman a lot when he used to visit the human world, and how confused he was when people got into such a tizzy over his gender

Why waste all that energy on something that doesn’t matter? If you must know, just ask the person and be done with it

It doesn’t matter what they look like

MC is MC

If they say they’re nonbinary, that’s good enough for him

If they don’t want to be touched, especially in certain places tiddy pillow naps, he might get pouty, but he’s all bark and no bite, he’ll respect their wishes

His approach to making MC feel better is more geared towards normalizing their identity

If he accepts it as a fact, then maybe they’ll catch on that people will respect them if they know what’s good for them?

Also, if they hear him mumbling about correct pronouns and punching transphobes in his sleep… No they didn’t. He’s not dreaming about them, he swears...

#obey me #obey me imagines #obey me headcanons #obey me shall we date #om:swd #mine #my writing #lucifer #mammon #leviathan #satan #asmodeus #beelzebub #belphegor #tldr; they all love and support you!!!

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thecampfirestory · 3 years

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it’s been said before that it’s pretty cool and fun that unlike in most other aus, here we focus quite a lot on the parents of the kids. but what i think is an even cooler aspect of it, is how it’s taken into consideration how the kids’ backgrounds have affected how they are now. (1/3)

patton comes from a really well off family, so he’s constantly self conscious about acting like ”a spoiled brat” and he’s very hung up on being self reliant. logan’s parents travel (or used to travel) a lot, so he’s really independent, but also struggles a lot with intimacy and closeness with other people. dee is a child of divorce and his dad left when he was very young, now he’s insecure and has trust issues. (2/3)

vee’s mom used to struggle a lot financially when they were younger, so now vee can still have anxiety about asking for things, and they find comfort in the old and inexpensive, like very old toys and hand-me-down clothes. roman and remus come from an immigrant family, but were not born in the country their family came from, so they both feel a certain disconnect to their own culture. the kids’ parents aren’t there ”just for funsies”, they are an important part of the kids’ characters. (3/3)

okok so dhhdhdjd i just wanna let you know that ive read this asks continuously bc they make me so happy and giddy hdhdjdhd im just SO happy someone noticed this bc thats what i was going for. Bc the kids' backgrounds DOES affect a lot how they behave now. How they see things, how they feel about certain things, etc. It all comes back to their background in some sort of way. Maybe not about every single thing, but it impacts a lot in their personalities and im just v v v glad you noticed so thank you dhdhgd

#ask #campfire!achilles #campfire!nate #campfire!dee #campfire!vee #campfire!florian #campfire!facts

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princess-of-the-corner · 3 years

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winx au: what causes each character to gain charmix/enchantix/gloomix/disenchantix? does Stella get her two at the same time or only progress in one? is her witch form always the basic one? does she ever ise it? do the witches and fairies gain the power ups the same way? does riven ever get one? T (sry bout all the questions)

Okay! So!

Yes the powerups are earned the same way for Faeries and Witches. They are parallels of one another.

Stella does use her Witch Form a few times in the first few seasons. In Season 1, it's mostly a "this form is stronger at Night" deal, but she stays in Faerie most often. She uses it a little in Season 2 because her Faerie Magic doesn't do well underground, being literally Light Based. Her Witch Form isn't the best option, but doesn't drain as fast in darkness. By Season 3, her Witch Form is at an actual disadvantage compared to her Faerie Form so she only really uses it once to make a point. She will have to earn each form seperately when she trains her Witch powers.

Riven wasn't intending to get more Forms, but kinda... Gets them accidentally? Like. In the next chapter of that fic, he's starting on actually working at being able to use his Magic. He'll be caught off guard by Charmix in Season 3. And because Enchantix is earned by confronting some personal stuff, as soon as he does some major character momet he gets that. By Season 5 when everyone else is getting Harmonix/Discordix, him and the rest of the guys are helping them with getting all that so he's just like "well since I'm in on this anyway...".

Charmix/Gloomix is earned mostly by making major progress in actually training your Magic. One could use their Base Forms many times, but actually training and honing their skills would lead to earning Charmix/Gloomix. It's not exactly an entirely new form, just a sign that they're ready to earn Enchantix/Disenchantix.

So the "confronting something personal" plot is moved to Enchantix/Disenchantix instead. Because that makes more sense than "sacrifice your life to save someone from your homeworld" for many, many reasons!

As for how everyone gets their forms!

As said, Charmix/Gloomix happens on it's own and is earned by training your Magic. While Echantix/Disenchantix is "character developmemt". The Winx all get theirs in Season 3, and others get them at various times. I'll start with the Winx though!

Bloom:

Bloom's had a hell of a time finding where exactly she belongs. On Earth, she always subconciously knew she didn't "belong" there. Then she learns about a whole ass world of Magic she does belong to. Only to find that her birth family and homeworld were destroyed. So she feels this disconnect.

She tries to connect to the handful of survivors from Domino. But that makes her feel even more like an outsider because theres a whole planet/culture she doesn't remember. And it doesn't help that Valtor is specifically using this feeling to manipulate her.

Eventually, she comes to realize that she doesn't have to "belong" to some place because she already belongs with her friends and family.

Stella:

Stella has a lot of pressure on herself and tends to ignore her problems by pretending she's not bothered because she should be able to handle all this!

She eventually opens up about all that. Just. Admitting that she is stressed and being reminded that she can rely on the people who care about her.

Musa:

So. I bumped up Musa's mother's death to just before she left for Alfea in Season 1.

Musa has been pretty much running away from facing that for the past two years. Not even going home during breaks from school because it hurts too much to be in her home without her mom.

In Season 3 she gets to meet Galatea and the two just talk about their homeworld. Musa misses it. A lot. But going home means facing all that.

Eventually she does. Having a bit of a breakdown but properly processing the grief.

Tecna:

One of Tecna's issues is that she's... Not good at communicating or interpretating emotions. It's partly on her and partly just that Zenith culture is very blunt with emotions. So she won't understand what someone is feeling unless they say it point blank, but also won't always show what she's feeling outside of saying it out loud(which... Doesn't register to others)

She never realized how much of an issue it is until her and Timmy have tension because of it. Nothing bad! Just that their love languages are very different and both begin to feel unappreciated because of the lack of communication on the emotional front.

It's the decision to actually begin learning that has her earning her Enchantix.

Aisha:

Due to her very isolated childhood, Aisha is still new to having such a large friend group. But she quickly fits in with them. However. Right when she got the group, they seem to e drifting apart.

Not in a bad way, of course! But everyone has their own adventures and subplots this season, which leads to the whole group not always being together. And as they plan for the future and what may come, it's likely that they'll have to go their seperate ways.

Aisha is scared that she'll be alone again. And It's only after voicing these fears and being reassured that even if their lives have them seperate, they'll always be ready to come back together and be friends. They're not going away forever.

Flora:

Flora's insecurity comes from feeling like the weakest of the Winx.

She's not, of course! But... Bloom and Aisha are their main powerhouses. Stella is also quite powerful, and uses both Faerie and Witch Forms. Tecna and Musa have much flashier powers. And Flora is over here with her plants.

Plus. One of their main opponents is Icy. Whose powers are naturally very effective against Flora's abilities.

She begins to feel very useless. Like she shouldn't even bother fighting because what difference would it make?

Eventually, she does kind of snap. And realize 1.) She's not weak and 2.) Even if she was, it doesn't mean she shouldn't do what she can to help.

Darcy:

She actually gets her Disenchantix at the end of Season 1(all the Trix start Season 1 on Gloomix because they're in their third year at Cloud Tower).

It's solidifying that she won't break her morals to obtain her goals, even to the point of fighting against people she loves and fixing her mistakes.

Stormy:

Hers happens off screen because she disappears in Season 2 and shows up again in Season 3. But sometime during this she realizes that her current methods of trying to get anything she wants isn't... Really working. She manages to sort that out but I'm still thinking about all that.

Icy:

Oh boy. My girl has a lot of issues. Especially relating to her mom.

99% of people she meets that know who her mom is either judge her, or want her to pick up where her mom failed. And Icy has internalized a lot of that shit. About having to complete her mom's goals because what else is there for her? If she does, she'll have the wonderful life she was promised way back then. She'll be... Worth something.

Sometime in Season 3 she meets some characters who, despite who her mother was and what Icy has done since then, are willing to care about her. And She's also reminded that Darcy and Stormy did care about her, but she pushed them away for her own goals. And that even the Winx gang are willing to help her get away from... All that.

It's a lot of progress and she probably won't really get Disenchantix until Season 4 when she actually feels genuinely loved for who she is and despite everything.

Riven:

Oh boy.

So. I.... I will go into this more after I post the next chapter of that thing. However!

I will say that his Enchantix is either late Season 3 or sometime in Season 4. And It's a very cathartic, facing childhood truama, "god do you have any idea how much that fucked me up?!" Moment.

#winx club reboot project

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r6shippingdelivery · 3 years

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headcannons for hobbies? Like what they do on their off time?

Hi nonnie! I actually did a Hobbies HC for “all” ops a long time ago. But seeing that was before the expanded bios, and it only reached up to Gridlock and Mozzie, I’d say it’s time for an updated version, don’t you say?

Some of the answers are unchanged from the old post, because I already nailed it or the new info didn’t disprove my ideas. But I had to revise a lot of the answers I gave the first time around! In order to find their hobbies and/or get a glimpse of their lives beyond Rainbow and what they might like, I read all the bios, and looked up concept art, and elites, and past battlepass content, etc. And when none of that was enough, I just went with my gut instinct 😂 Thank you to @grain-crain-drain, @dagoth-menthol & @todragonsart for bouncing ideas with me when I was stuck! 💕

Hobbies Headcanons for ALL ops (up to Neon Dawn)

FBI

- Ash: According to her savta, shooting things is not a hobby, but Ash disagrees. And since according to her expanded bio she knows Hebrew, Arabic, English, French and Greek, I’m willing to bet she enjoys learning languages as well. - Thermite: He grew up on a ranch and loves riding. He’s also taken an interest in improving gadgets it seems, so my old proposal that he dabbles in forging/smithing stuff seems plausible. And based on this concept art, demolition derbies attending and maybe even competing himself too? - Pulse: He’s interested in a variety of topics and goes through phases of intense, nearly obsessive focus, until something else captures his attention. He still has a lingering fondness for building muscle cars, since it was something he used to do with his father. And like Thermite and Hibana, it seems he might enjoy demolition derbies. - Castle: He’s a language nerd, studying/reading/practicing new languages is his hobby for sure. Since the expanded bio says he rescues abused dogs, I don’t think it would be far fetched he volunteered at animal shelters too.

SAS

- Thatcher: Aside from repairing his boat, The Iron Maggie, he also enjoys fishing. He used to do that with his dad & brothers, and tried to take the rest of the SAS fishing as a bonding experience. It didn’t go very well - Sledge: He plays rugby, and has an inexplicable fondness of trying the wildest ideas that tend to end with something broken, be it one of his bones or a structure or wall (just read his extended psychological profile and you’ll see, lmao) - Smoke: Boxing, it helps him focus all his chaotic energy. And chemistry in general, it’s not just a hobby but a passion of his. - Mute: he enjoys tinkering with stuff, taking it apart and then putting it back together in a different way, just to see if he can improve it or make it work in his own way. Flying drones plays perfectly into that, with the added bonus of being able to do the flying part just for fun too.

GIGN

- Montagne: His main passion is working with people, teaching and mentoring others, and therefore when he’s not on duty, his main passtime still is mingling with people and getting to know them. I could see him making overtures with Castle, interested in the American and fascinated by his knowledge of various languages, an area Monty feels insecure about due to only knowing French and English. - Twitch: Engineering, robotics and developing an empathic AI is her life.Twitch is a workaholic passionate about those topics. She also greatly enjoys traveling and, according to her expanded bio, people watching. - Doc: He surely had some hobby at one point, but he can’t remember it, or the last time he had free time for it. Doc is also a workaholic, although one that loves to complain about it. - Rook: Apparently he’s passionate about cycling, auto racing, and rock concerts. Mainly cycling though, since he dropped out of university to cycle around France.

Spetsnaz

- Tachanka: He collects and repairs old weapons. Mostly soviet, but he has some interesting pieces from other countries too. And he dances surprisingly well. - Kapkan: Aside from a certain interest in psychology, his main hobby is hunting, of course. But he also whittles and carves wooden figurines. - Glaz: Quite obviously, painting. He’s an artist, and quite a good one. He also likes playing cards, especially poker. - Fuze: He builds new weapon prototypes for fun. And tests them, if he can convince Six of it. He also likes to bake from time to time, a skill he learnt thanks to his grandma - and because he has a sweet tooth.

GSG9

- Jäger: Planes. Model planes, repairing old WWI & II planes, you name it. And watching copious amounts of documentaries. - Bandit: His bike is his main hobby, both taking care of it and riding it. He also likes playing pool; and, if pranking people counts as a hobby, that’s his oldest one, dating from when he was a kid. - Blitz: He was and still is an athlete at heart, and Blitz loves running. - IQ: In order to disconnect from engineering pursuits, she indulges in rock climbing, spelunking, and writing science fiction stories.

JTF2

- Buck: He crafts mechanical puzzles, and enjoys all kinds of physical activity that can take place outdoors. - Frost: She just loves being surrounded by nature, and often goes mountain climbing or diving.

SEAL

- Valkyrie: Swimming and diving, of course! She wanted to be a professional swimmer, but now it’s just a hobby. And apparently she enrolled for a helicopter pilot license, and language classes. - Blackbeard: According to the expanded bios, he likes sailing and even participated in a championship. And since he climbed Mount Everest, it’s safe to say he also likes mountain climbing.

BOPE

- Capitao: He loves football, playing or watching it, doesn’t matter, he’s all for it. - Caveira: Spends a lot of time practicing Jiu Jitsu, in the gym and also on unofficial tournaments.

SAT

- Hibana: For her it’s traditional Japanese archery (Kyūdō). And probably demolition derbies too accounting that concept art from before with Thermite and Pulse. - Echo: According to the expanded bio, he has few interests outside work, but I always imagined he’d be into gaming and e-sports. Hacking too, and that’s a direct influence from Dokkaebi.

GEO

- Jackal: He plays the acoustic guitar/spanish guitar, and sings too. And now we also know he volunteers with at-risk youth. - Mira: Fixing cars is second nature to her, and thanks to her expanded bio we know she also does metal sculptures that incorporate used mechanical parts.

SDU

- Ying: Extreme driving, which can sometimes trigger her PTSD, and traveling. Especially exploring cities by randomly jumping in public transport and just going anywhere. - Lesion: He is also one to volunteer in underprivileged areas (like Junk Bay, where he grew up), and clearing mines and other unexploded devices. I also imagine him with a certain gusto for playing blackjack.

GROM

- Zofia: If obsessing about her father’s supposed suicide and the oddities surrounding it, and desperately trying to reconnect with her sister count as hobbies, sure, she has those. - Ela: She’s also an artist, one with a very particular vision that some have called narcissistic. Apparently she also does some “freelance” volunteer work, roaming the streets at night and offering help/comfort, or a willing ear to the people she meets.

707SMB

- Vigil: He likes to take walks around the forest, just aimless exploring and marvelling at nature and any animals he might come across. Often listens to relaxing music while doing so, and he might pick a pretty rock here and there to bring home. - Dokkaebi: Hacking is her hobby, of course. She also has several social media profiles and is an active member in a couple of hacking forums. As per a previous battlepass, I believe she enjoys mountain trekking too. And dancing to electro beat, due to her elite.

CBRN

- Lion: His rebel years left him with an appreciation for rock music and a dream to be in a group. Lion still plays the electric guitar, when he’s not off volunteering at the local church. - Finka: Pushed by her parents from a young age to try different sports, just like her siblings, she eventually discovered a strong love for fencing and ice-skating.

GIS

- Maestro: Cooking, and boxing, an interest he shares with Smoke. But mostly cooking. - Alibi: She’s also a marksman, engages Ash in friendly shooting competitions.

GSUTR

- Clash: She’s very involved in different activist causes, mostly surrounding racial issues and inequality. - Maverick: Photography, mostly nature or candid shots of his fellow operators. I also think he likes horses and riding. And Buzkashi of course, but he hasn’t played since he left Kabul.

GIGR

- Kaid: Playing chess, he’s a good strategist and it shows. And while dozing off with a cat on his lap is not a hobby, he also loves that. - Nomad: Traveling to all sorts of remote locations, she’s an explorer with a thirst to prove herself. She also keeps a travel journal, which includes maps and some drawings of the places she’s seen.

SASR

- Mozzie: Dirt biking, of course. The more dangerous the jumps and stunts are, the more he likes it. He knows his limits and works to surpass them. - Gridlock: Robotics. She still wants to compete again in robot championships, just like she and Mozzie did so many years ago. She would consider that fixing cars and vehicles has become more part of her job than a hobby, but still loves it too.

Phantom Sight

- Nokk: Fencing, as evidenced by some of her concept art, she participated in fencing tournaments. - Warden: He knows appearances are important, and he cultivated a very specific image, so he likes to take care of that, be it by buying luxury or antique cars, or designer suits, etc.

Ember Rise

- Amaru: Archeology and exploring the Amazon jungle is her passion. It used to be her whole life and job, but since she joined Rainbow, she’s been busy with training and missions, yet she never lost her love for adventure, history and protecting her country’s cultural artifacts. - Goyo: He’s a really good chess player, and enjoys other games where he either has to think, or his usual poker face and calm demeanor can throw his opponents off.

Shifting Tides

- Kali: When she’s not writing reports about her underlings progress, or making lists about who should be ascended/rewarded, who needs to be punished or chastised, etc, she’ll be doing yoga, since it helps her focus. Or hardcore pilates when she needs to burn away some frustration first. - Wamai: Diving and being underwater in general, be it on his special immersion tanks or on the actual sea, it doesn’t matter. He finds it calming (and he’s addicted to the anoxia sensation)

Void Edge

- Iana: Space exploration fascinates her, and she’s always trying to learn everything she can about the cosmos, watching documentaries and conducting her own in-depth research. - Oryx: Wrestling helps him hone his physical prowess, and it’s also a measured outlet for his deep seated rage. He also greatly enjoys reading poetry.

Steel Wave

- Melusi: She’s committed to the conservation cause, which stems from both her love of wildlife and nature, and her protective instincts. She likes to explore too, although she’s not driven by a will to prove herself or reach certain goals, but simply for the joy of seeing natural spaces. - Ace: Social Media. He’s obsessed with his public image and popularity. While he travels quite a bit, it seems he does it more to share new and exciting selfies on Instagram than for the pleasure of visiting new places.

Shadow Legacy

- Zero: He knits and crochets, it’s an engaging hobby that helps him clear his mind, plus he enjoys making stuff too. Not many people know about this side of him though.

Neon Dawn

- Aruni: She and Hero, her giant pouched rat, volunteer on landmine detection and removal efforts. She also likes to travel extensively, and has done so in the company of Twitch and Nomad.

#rainbow 6 siege #r6s #rainbow six siege #rainbow 6 #headcanons #Anonymous

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goosegoblin · 3 years

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I promise I’m not a creep! Lol. I was looking through your Reddit account because I remembered you have one and I like the sorts of posts you make on Tumblr, so I got curious and looked through. I saw you made some comments on r/illnessfakers. What do you think of that subreddit? I have such mixed feelings about it. I honestly don’t think the majority of people on it are malicious, but I worry that all it accomplishes is making disabled people insecure about whether their illnesses seem legitimate enough. At the same time, I’m guilty of browsing it regularly because I find some of the posts fascinating

ha, i've been wondering if someone would notice that and pull me on it. it's an odd place, isn't it? rest is below a read more for length.

i genuinely feel... very similarly. i absolutely don't buy the explanations that it's a noble, useful service that bravely calls out fakers or whatever. for me it's just... internet gossip. it's not a good thing. i don't think it adds anything to the world. i do guilt-browse it on occasion, though i refrain from commenting unless i think i have something useful to say/ a correction to make on something. at the same time, they do have a point that some people are indeed very clearly faking certain things for internet clout or- more concerningly- money and donations, often from young, ill fans in a parasocial relationship with them. and like, two women connected with this have now died! pseudoscientific explanations and cures are being pushed on thousands of young vulnerable ill kids by what essentially boil down to influencers, and that's fucking terrifying! honestly, the similarities between the a lot of what's covered and pro ana culture are kind of scary.

that being said, it's a reddit offshoot of a kiwifarms offshoot which is a 4chan offshoot (i think??? that's right?), so it's. not full of my normal type of people! and i unironically find the community themselves fascinating? not the casual browsers, but the die-hard obsessives who spend hours and hours collecting and presenting info on internet strangers they'll never meet. it reminds me of the sheer amount of information that exists on christine chandler, and the relationships people have with her (i guess they have their origins in the same website).

one thing i definitely find interesting is just how many of the users on IF are chronically ill themselves. there's something to be said there about respectability politics for sure, and in some ways it almost reminds me of people who are extremely into transmedicalist viewpoints: 'this is how to have our condition Correctly. please stop having it incorrectly; you are why people do not take us seriously'. people on the subreddit are not allowed to talk about their own illnesses or situations, and that's enforced really strongly (a 'no blogging' rule), which leads to bizarre situations where people are speaking with full confidence about exactly how getting a port fitted would feel and nobody can really call them out or ask them any details. it encourages this way of speaking that's like, completely disconnected from a personal perspective, and instead things are stated as just objective truths about the situation/ universe: EDS doesn't work like that, that would not hurt, all people who take [X] are addicts, etc, etc.

people there also operate with a very black-and-white view on how medicine works- this is how things Should Work and what you said goes against it and therefore it Isn't True. one key example i remember is someone expressing intense disbelief that endometriosis would be missed for 5+ years, because 'it's so common, it would be one of the first things doctors test for with heavy, painful periods'. like. that sentence is absolutely fully disconnected from the reality of how women and AFAB ppl are treated in medicine. it exists in a vacuum.

i don't know. i honestly have spent a lot of time being morally conflicted about that subreddit. i think it's one of the less bad variants, as it only allows posts on certain approved 'subjects' who are over eighteen with public accounts, and i've seen it remove people from that list if they were deemed too negatively affected by the attention. at the same time, though, that often just feels like window dressing, or attempts to claim morality. like, you are not actually doing a moral crusade here: you're just making fun of grifters.

additional note: i've spent a lot of time thinking about kelly this past week or so. i sincerely wish her the best and hope she is getting the physical and psychological treatment she needs to be healthy and happy.

#wank for ts #ableism cw #not sure what else to tag this as- let me know if you want anything adding

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queeranesearch · 3 years

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@harutheestallion Thank you so much for the tag, Arthur!! I kith you, mwah!

(This ended up being way longer than I thought it’d be bc I got so caught up in talking about OTHER people’s writing lmfao, so I’m putting a ‘keep reading’)

Prompt - share your:

First fic: Uuugh god..When I was 11/12 I was really into Attack on Titan, and in my Year 8 English Lit class we had lessons where we did creative writing so of course I wrote an Armin-centric high-school AU. It haunts me to this day but it was so funny to read again later on. But the first fic I actually posted online was a Moomin one, back in 2019. Moomins was (and still is thb) a big comfort media for me, and it always helped me feel better when I was going through some really bad anxiety. I was also very insecure about my writing and hadn’t written anything in years, but I was very attached to the characters and there wasn’t that much content of them so I thought “Fuck it. This is gonna be very self-indulgent. If other people like it then great, but really this is for me.” I did end up getting way more kudos and comments than I thought I would and loads of lovely comments. I read it again a little while ago and the writing is a but rusty, and my paragraphing isn’t great, but it’s really sweet and I had a lot of fun writing it and I think that shines through.

Favourite fic: Dude, I cannot pick one favourite fic, so I’m gonna list a few that came to mind: Hooked by @listless-brainrot - aka THE jetru fic. I will forever scream about List’s writing. The way he’s able to take such a character with one episode, and see the potential pour so much life into him is amazing. He writes Haru with so much nuanced realness, and seeing things though his perspective makes for such an immersive read and gives beautiful insight into his thoughts and wants. I cannot recommend it enough.

Sing a little louder, laugh a little softer by @chief-yue - Such lovely fic exploring the music of cultures ATLA was inspired by. I had the biggest smile on my face reading this; Katrina really captures the dynamic of the Gaang wonderfully, and her descriptions are vivid and heartwarming.

Two Sturdy Oaks by @rileyblxu - A Dead Poets Society fic and one of my comfort fics ajklasd. The author writes Neil and Todd perfectly; Like if you told me this fic was actually deleted scenes from the movie I would believe you 100%. The dialogue between all the characters is spot on, and the trusting relationship both Neil and Todd have with Mr Keating is so heart-warming to read, and the descriptions were so tender and full of so much love and pining,,dude I actually cried a little. PLUS the use of poems at the beginning of the chapters?? Absolutely iconic for setting the tone. Love it.

Not Ready To Make Nice by @harutheestallion - Tagging you twice hehe. Arthur’s characterization of Jet kills me DEAD. They have so many little nuanced details about Jet, but also how he sees other people and the world around him. They have such a strong grasp on his character; every action he makes in this fic is written cleverly wand with such clear thought put behind it, and Jet’s perseverance and bitterness but also his kindness and desire to protect others really shines through. And HAMA. She’s written perfectly too; so similar to Jet in many ways but also more ‘jaded’ and less hopeful. Their dynamic is so interesting to read and watching them become gradually closer is so lovely.

Henna by @miannmian - I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; Simran is the QUEEN of fluff. This is one of their shorter works, but it’s packed of such tender characterization. The descriptions are written with so much care and warmth, you can practically feel the love these Jet and Haru have for each other. It’s sweet, it’s domestic, and it makes my heart swell each time I read it.

Can’t Make An Omelette by @citron-ella - A Good Omens fic, but focused on The Them! GO fics that aren’t primarily about Aziraphale and Crowley are hard to come by, so I was delighted when I came across this one, particularly as The Them are my personal faves from the book/show. This fic is so sweet and funny in little nuanced ways. Children are hard to write, especially slightly older ones, but this author wrote them wonderfully; they really captured the lovely curious and mischievous nature of The Them, and each one of the kids was written perfectly in character. The descriptions set the scenes well, and they have a sweet, nostalgic sort of tone to them; it reminds me of what kid’s books used to be like years ago, there’s an Enid Blyton(and I’d even say a Terry Pratchet) like charm to it. And I adore the little detail of Brian being curious about Pollution being non-binary, and recognizing something similar in himself; it was so heart-warming. I also loved the bit at the end where Pepper knowingly acknowledges Brian’s interest in being non-binary; it’s a nice subtle way of showing their friendship and how they pay attention to each other.

Most Recent fic: A jetru oneshot, “Kiss Me?”. It’s pretty simple and fluffy; the lads having their first kiss. To be honest, it’s one of those fics I have a love-hate relationship with; looking back at it there are so many ways I’d rewrite it and make it better, but there are some nice bits there too.

Fic with most notes: My moomin one I mentioned earlier. It’s called “To Have a Family is an Awfully Complicated Thing”. A VERY wordy title, and again, there a loads of things I wish I could change and do better( I have actually been contemplating rewriting it) but it’s very close to my heart, and I’m glad other people liked it too.

A line or two from a wip: Man, I have SO many wips it’s embarrassing. Here’s a modern Yueki thing I was doing: They didn't know how Yue spent lunchtimes at school in the library, hidden behind the back shelves, reading poetry books held together with thick brown tape; Shakespeare, Dickinson, Keats, Wordsworth, their words lovely yet so disconnected from her; how within the whole breadth of the romantics she could not find one to attach to; how with no great authors to turn to, she put her own pen to paper, spilling thoughts of brown hair and dark eyes, of a face that freckled in the sun, of a laugh that filled her stomach flip with a delightful queasiness, of how her heart ached for the girl that cleaned her grazed knee for her when she was six. ‘Oh dear.’ Yue fiddled with the bag in her lap, zipping it up, zipping it down. ‘There’s no going back now, is there?’

Favourite character to write for (and why): Hmm, I think Yue and Jet, both from ATLA. Something about them just clicks with me; I love Yue to bits and wish we could’ve had more of her in the show, so I love exploring her character beyond being the Moon Princess. I also adore Jet and will forever be angry about how he dirty they did him in the show. Writing him is actually quite challenging, but in a way I enjoy, and I enjoying pushing myself to explore the nuance and depth he had in the show.

Character(s) you find hard to write: Hm.. I’d say Toph. I love Toph so much but I find it difficult to really capture her strength and rowdiness, but also her compassion and her softer side.

I’ve tagged a few people in this already, so if they wanna do this feel free to! Also you. Reading this. Consider yourself tagged; I wanna hear about your writing.

#shush jas #jas has a pen #note to self: finish wips

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lightinhersmile · 3 years

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PERSONALITY TYPE: ENFJ-A

[ For more detail, click READ MORE. ]

Introduction

Everything you do right now ripples outward and affects everyone. Your posture can shine your heart or transmit anxiety. Your breath can radiate love or muddy the room in depression. Your glance can awaken joy. Your words can inspire freedom. Your every act can open hearts and minds.

Protagonists are natural-born leaders, full of passion and charisma. Forming around two percent of the population, they are oftentimes our politicians, our coaches and our teachers, reaching out and inspiring others to achieve and to do good in the world. With a natural confidence that begets influence, Protagonists take a great deal of pride and joy in guiding others to work together to improve themselves and their community.

Firm Believers in the People

People are drawn to strong personalities, and Protagonists radiate authenticity, concern and altruism, unafraid to stand up and speak when they feel something needs to be said. They find it natural and easy to communicate with others, especially in person, and their Intuitive (N) trait helps people with the Protagonist personality type to reach every mind, be it through facts and logic or raw emotion. Protagonists easily see people’s motivations and seemingly disconnected events, and are able to bring these ideas together and communicate them as a common goal with an eloquence that is nothing short of mesmerizing.

The interest Protagonists have in others is genuine, almost to a fault – when they believe in someone, they can become too involved in the other person’s problems, place too much trust in them. Luckily, this trust tends to be a self-fulfilling prophecy, as Protagonists’ altruism and authenticity inspire those they care about to become better themselves. But if they aren’t careful, they can overextend their optimism, sometimes pushing others further than they’re ready or willing to go.

Protagonists are vulnerable to another snare as well: they have a tremendous capacity for reflecting on and analyzing their own feelings, but if they get too caught up in another person’s plight, they can develop a sort of emotional hypochondria, seeing other people’s problems in themselves, trying to fix something in themselves that isn’t wrong. If they get to a point where they are held back by limitations someone else is experiencing, it can hinder Protagonists’ ability to see past the dilemma and be of any help at all. When this happens, it’s important for Protagonists to pull back and use that self-reflection to distinguish between what they really feel, and what is a separate issue that needs to be looked at from another perspective.

...The Struggle Ought Not to Deter Us From the Support of a Cause We Believe to Be Just

Protagonists are genuine, caring people who talk the talk and walk the walk, and nothing makes them happier than leading the charge, uniting and motivating their team with infectious enthusiasm.

People with the Protagonist personality type are passionate altruists, sometimes even to a fault, and they are unlikely to be afraid to take the slings and arrows while standing up for the people and ideas they believe in. It is no wonder that many famous Protagonists are cultural or political icons – this personality type wants to lead the way to a brighter future, whether it’s by leading a nation to prosperity, or leading their little league softball team to a hard-fought victory.

Strengths & Weaknesses

Protagonist Strengths

Tolerant – Protagonists are true team players, and they recognize that that means listening to other peoples’ opinions, even when they contradict their own. They admit they don’t have all the answers, and are often receptive to dissent, so long as it remains constructive.

Reliable – The one thing that galls Protagonists the most is the idea of letting down a person or cause they believe in. If it’s possible, Protagonists can always be counted on to see it through.

Charismatic – Charm and popularity are qualities Protagonists have in spades. They instinctively know how to capture an audience, and pick up on mood and motivation in ways that allow them to communicate with reason, emotion, passion, restraint – whatever the situation calls for. Talented imitators, Protagonists are able to shift their tone and manner to reflect the needs of the audience, while still maintaining their own voice.

Altruistic – Uniting these qualities is Protagonists’ unyielding desire to do good in and for their communities, be it in their own home or the global stage. Warm and selfless, Protagonists genuinely believe that if they can just bring people together, they can do a world of good.

Natural Leaders – More than seeking authority themselves, Protagonists often end up in leadership roles at the request of others, cheered on by the many admirers of their strong personality and positive vision.

Protagonist Weaknesses

Overly Idealistic – People with the Protagonist personality type can be caught off guard as they find that, through circumstance or nature, or simple misunderstanding, people fight against them and defy the principles they’ve adopted, however well-intentioned they may be. They are more likely to feel pity for this opposition than anger, and can earn a reputation of naïveté.

Too Selfless – Protagonists can bury themselves in their hopeful promises, feeling others’ problems as their own and striving hard to meet their word. If they aren’t careful, they can spread themselves too thin, and be left unable to help anyone.

Too Sensitive – While receptive to criticism, seeing it as a tool for leading a better team, it’s easy for Protagonists to take it a little too much to heart. Their sensitivity to others means that Protagonists sometimes feel problems that aren’t their own and try to fix things they can’t fix, worrying if they are doing enough.

Fluctuating Self-Esteem – Protagonists define their self-esteem by whether they are able to live up to their ideals, and sometimes ask for criticism more out of insecurity than out of confidence, always wondering what they could do better. If they fail to meet a goal or to help someone they said they’d help, their self-confidence will undoubtedly plummet.

Struggle to Make Tough Decisions – If caught between a rock and a hard place, Protagonists can be stricken with paralysis, imagining all the consequences of their actions, especially if those consequences are humanitarian.

Romantic Relationships

People who share the Protagonist personality type feel most at home when they are in a relationship, and few types are more eager to establish a loving commitment with their chosen partners. Protagonists take dating and relationships seriously, selecting partners with an eye towards the long haul, rather than the more casual approach that might be expected from some types in the Explorer Role group. There’s really no greater joy for Protagonists than to help along the goals of someone they care about, and the interweaving of lives that a committed relationship represents is the perfect opportunity to do just that.

I’m a Slow Walker, but I Never Walk Back

Even in the dating phase, people with the Protagonist personality type are ready to show their commitment by taking the time and effort to establish themselves as dependable, trustworthy partners.

Their Intuitive (N) trait helps them to keep up with the rapidly shifting moods that are common early in relationships, but Protagonists will still rely on conversations about their mutual feelings, checking the pulse of the relationship by asking how things are, and if there’s anything else they can do. While this can help to keep conflict, which Protagonists abhor, to a minimum, they also risk being overbearing or needy – Protagonists should keep in mind that sometimes the only thing that’s wrong is being asked what’s wrong too often.

Protagonists don’t need much to be happy, just to know that their partner is happy, and for their partner to express that happiness through visible affection. Making others’ goals come to fruition is often the chiefest concern of Protagonists, and they will spare no effort in helping their partner to live the dream. If they aren’t careful though, Protagonists’ quest for their partners’ satisfaction can leave them neglecting their own needs, and it’s important for them to remember to express those needs on occasion, especially early on.

You Cannot Escape the Responsibility of Tomorrow by Evading It Today

Protagonists’ tendency to avoid any kind of conflict, sometimes even sacrificing their own principles to keep the peace, can lead to long-term problems if these efforts never fully resolve the underlying issues that they mask. On the other hand, people with the Protagonist personality type can sometimes be too preemptive in resolving their conflicts, asking for criticisms and suggestions in ways that convey neediness or insecurity. Protagonists invest their emotions wholly in their relationships, and are sometimes so eager to please that it actually undermines the relationship – this can lead to resentment, and even the failure of the relationship. When this happens, Protagonists experience strong senses of guilt and betrayal, as they see all their efforts slip away.

If potential partners appreciate these qualities though, and make an effort themselves to look after the needs of their Protagonist partners, they will enjoy long, happy, passionate relationships. Protagonists are known to be dependable lovers, perhaps more interested in routine and stability than spontaneity in their sex lives, but always dedicated to the selfless satisfaction of their partners. Ultimately, Protagonist personality types believe that the only true happiness is mutual happiness, and that’s the stuff successful relationships are made of.

Friendships

When it comes to friendships, Protagonists are anything but passive. While some personality types may accept the circumstantial highs and lows of friendship, their feelings waxing and waning with the times, Protagonists will put active effort into maintaining these connections, viewing them as substantial and important, not something to let slip away through laziness or inattention.

This philosophy of genuine connection is core to the Protagonist personality type, and while it is visible in the workplace and in romance, it is clearest in the breadth and depth of Protagonist friendships.

All My Life I Have Tried to Pluck a Thistle and Plant a Flower Wherever the Flower Would Grow...

People with the Protagonist personality type take genuine pleasure in getting to know other people, and have no trouble talking with people of all types and modes of thought. Even in disagreement, other perspectives are fascinating to Protagonists – though like most people, they connect best with individuals who share their principles and ideals, and types in Diplomat and Analyst Role groups are best able to explore Protagonists’ viewpoints with them, which are simply too idealistic for most. It is with these closest friends that Protagonists will truly open up, keeping their many other connections in a realm of lighthearted but genuine support and encouragement.

Others truly value their Protagonist friends, appreciating the warmth, kindness, and sincere optimism and cheer they bring to the table. Protagonists want to be the best friends possible, and it shows in how they work to find out not just the superficial interests of their friends, but their strengths, passions, hopes and dreams. Nothing makes Protagonists happier than to see the people they care about do well, and they are more than happy to take their own time and energy to help make it happen.

We Should Be Too Big to Take Offense, and Too Noble to Give It

While Protagonists enjoy lending this helping hand, other personality types may simply not have the energy or drive to keep up with it – creating further strain, people with the Protagonist personality type can become offended if their efforts aren’t reciprocated when the opportunity arises. Ultimately, Protagonists’ give and take can become stifling to types who are more interested in the moment than the future, or who simply have Identities that rest firmly on the Assertive side, making them content with who they are and uninterested in the sort of self-improvement and goal-setting that Protagonists hold so dear.

When this happens Protagonist personalities can be critical, if they believe it necessary. While usually tactful and often helpful, if their friend is already annoyed by Protagonists’ attempts to push them forward, it can simply cause them to dig in their heels further. Protagonists should try to avoid taking this personally when it happens, and relax their inflexibility into an occasional “live and let live” attitude.

Ultimately though, Protagonists will find that their excitement and unyielding optimism will yield them many satisfying relationships with people who appreciate and share their vision and authenticity. The joy Protagonists take in moving things forward means that there is always a sense of purpose behind their friendships, creating bonds that are not easily shaken.

Parenthood

As natural leaders, Protagonists make excellent parents, striving to strike a balance between being encouraging and supportive friends to their children, while also working to instill strong values and a sense of personal responsibility. If there’s one strong trend with the Protagonist personality type, it’s that they are a bedrock of empathetic support, not bullheadedly telling people what they ought to do, but helping them to explore their options and encouraging them to follow their hearts.

Protagonist parents will encourage their children to explore and grow, recognizing and appreciating the individuality of the people they bring into this world and help to raise.

Whatever You Are, Be a Good One

Protagonist parents take pride in nurturing and inspiring strong values, and they take care to ensure that the basis for these values comes from understanding, not blind obedience. Whatever their children need in order to learn and grow, Protagonist parents give the time and energy necessary to provide it. While in their weaker moments they may succumb to more manipulative behavior, Protagonists mostly rely on their charm and idealism to make sure their children take these lessons to heart.

Owing to their aversion to conflict, Protagonist parents strive to ensure that their homes provide a safe and conflict-free environment. While they can deliver criticism, it’s not Protagonists’ strong suit, and laying down the occasionally necessary discipline won’t come naturally. But, people with the Protagonist personality type have high standards for their children, encouraging them to be the best they can be, and when these confrontations do happen, they try to frame the lessons as archetypes, moral constants in life which they hope their children will embrace.

As their children enter adolescence, they begin to truly make their own decisions, sometimes contrary to what their parents want – while Protagonists will do their best to meet this with grace and humor, they can feel hurt, and even unloved, in the face of this rebellion. Protagonists are sensitive, and if their child goes so far as to launch into criticisms, they may become truly upset, digging in their heels and locking horns.

Luckily, these occasions will likely be rare. Protagonists’ intuition gives them a talent for understanding, and regardless of the heat of the moment, their children will move on, remembering the genuine warmth, care, love and encouragement they’ve always received from their Protagonist parents. They grow up feeling the lessons that have been woven into the fabric of their character, and recognize that they are the better for their parents’ efforts.

Career Paths

When it comes to finding a career, people with the Protagonist personality type cast their eyes towards anything that lets them do what they love most – helping other people! Lucky for them, people like being helped, and are even willing to pay for it, which means that Protagonists are rarely wanting for inspiration and opportunity in their search for meaningful work.

Don’t Worry When You Are Not Recognized, but Strive to Be Worthy of Recognition

Protagonists take a genuine interest in other people, approaching them with warm sociability and a helpful earnestness that rarely goes unnoticed. Altruistic careers like social and religious work, teaching, counseling, and advising of all sorts are popular avenues, giving people with the Protagonist personality type a chance to help others learn, grow, and become more independent. This attitude, alongside their social skills, emotional intelligence and tendency to be “that person who knows everybody”, can be adapted to quite a range of other careers as well, making Protagonists natural HR administrators, event coordinators, and politicians – anything that helps a community or organization to operate more smoothly.

To top it all off, Protagonists are able to express themselves both creatively and honestly, allowing them to approach positions as sales representatives and advertising consultants from a certain idealistic perspective, intuitively picking up on the needs and wants of their customers, and working to make them happier. However, Protagonists need to make sure they get to focus on people, not systems and spreadsheets, and they are unlikely to have the stomach for making the sort of decisions required in corporate governance positions – they will feel haunted, knowing that their decision cost someone their job, or that their product cost someone their life.

Having a preference for Intuitive (N) trait over its Observant (S) counterpart also means that careers demanding exceptional situational awareness, such as law enforcement, military service, and emergency response, will cause Protagonists to burn out quickly. While great at organizing willing parties and winning over skeptics, in dangerous situations Protagonists just won’t be able to maintain the sort of focus on their immediate physical surroundings that they inevitably demand of themselves hour after hour, day after day.

Always Bear in Mind That Your Own Resolution to Succeed Is More Important Than Any Other

It makes a great deal more sense for Protagonists to be the force keeping these vital services organized and running well, taking their long-term views, people skills and idealism, and using them to shape the situation on the ground, while more physical personality types manage the moment-to-moment crises. People with the Protagonist personality type are always up for a good challenge – and nothing thrills them quite like helping others. But while willing to train the necessary skills, Protagonists will always show an underlying preference for the sort of help that draws a positive long-term trend, that effects change that really sticks.

At the heart of it, Protagonists need to see how the story ends, to feel and experience the gratitude and appreciation of the people they’ve helped in order to be happy.

Careers operating behind enemy lines and arriving at the scene of the crime too late to help will simply weigh on Protagonists’ sensitive hearts and minds, especially if criticized despite their efforts. On the other hand, Protagonists are a driven, versatile group, and that same vision that pulls them towards administration and politics can help them focus through the stress of the moment, knowing that each second of effort contributes to something bigger than themselves.

Workplace Habits

People with the Protagonist personality type are intelligent, warm, idealistic, charismatic, creative, social... With this wind at their backs, Protagonists are able to thrive in many diverse roles, at any level of seniority. Moreover, they are simply likeable people, and this quality propels them to success wherever they have a chance to work with others.

Protagonist Subordinates

As subordinates, Protagonists will often underestimate themselves – nevertheless, they quickly make an impression on their managers. Quick learners and excellent multitaskers, people with the Protagonist personality type are able to take on multiple responsibilities with competence and good cheer. Protagonists are hardworking, reliable and eager to help – but this can all be a double-edged sword, as some managers will take advantage of Protagonists’ excellent quality of character by making too many requests and overburdening their Protagonist subordinates with extra work. Protagonists are conflict-averse and try to avoid unnecessary criticism, and in all likelihood will accept these extra tasks in an attempt to maintain a positive impression and frictionless environment.

Protagonist Colleagues

As colleagues, Protagonists’ desire to assist and cooperate is even more evident as they draw their coworkers into teams where everyone can feel comfortable expressing their opinions and suggestions, working together to develop win-win situations that get the job done. Protagonists’ tolerance, open-mindedness and easy sociability make it easy for them to relate to their colleagues, but also make it perhaps a little too easy for their colleagues to shift their problems onto Protagonists’ plates. People with the Protagonist personality type are sensitive to the needs of others, and their role as a social nexus means that problems inevitably find their way to Protagonists’ doorsteps, where colleagues will find a willing, if overburdened, associate.

Protagonist Managers

While perfectly capable as subordinates and colleagues, Protagonists’ true calling, where their capacity for insightful and inspiring communication and sensitivity to the needs of others really shows, is in managing teams. As managers, Protagonists combine their skill in recognizing individual motivations with their natural charisma to not only push their teams and projects forward, but to make their teams want to push forward. They may sometimes stoop to manipulation, the alternative often being a more direct confrontation, but Protagonists’ end goal is always to get done what they set out to do in a way that leaves everyone involved satisfied with their roles and the results they achieved together.

Conclusion

Few personality types are as inspiring and charismatic as Protagonists. Their idealism and vision allow Protagonists to overcome many challenging obstacles, more often than not brightening the lives of those around them. Protagonists’ imagination is invaluable in many areas, including their own personal growth.

Yet Protagonists can be easily tripped up in areas where idealism and altruism are more of a liability than an asset. Whether it is finding (or keeping) a partner, staying calm under pressure, reaching dazzling heights on the career ladder or making difficult decisions, Protagonists need to put in a conscious effort to develop their weaker traits and additional skills.

#|| she carries light in her smile & love in her bones || { about salju }#// I disagree with some of the points on here #// But overall it's great

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lavellenchanted · 5 years

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what makes a monster?

aka, a meta exploring Fjord’s identity and development.

(Full disclosure: this got a lot longer and more in depth than I initially intended, and is really really long - the final word count is 6,955 words. The TL;DR is I think there’s a lot of trauma going on in Fjord’s decision making that gets overlooked or misinterpreted as him having ulterior motives, and that Travis has a created a deeply nuanced and layered character, and it doesn’t get enough appreciation. My thanks to the Fjorester Fam Discord for all the long discussions about Fjord that helped inspire this, and to @mamzellecombeferre in particular for reading through it and providing extra insights.) Spoiler warning for the whole of C2!

It just kind of baffles me that so many people still think Fjord is shady or evil, despite knowing his backstory and having watching his arc, when from my perspective he’s been, or has tried to be, one of the most upfront members of the Nein but is struggling to process a lot of trauma - some residual from childhood, but he’s also been bouncing from traumatic incident to traumatic incident over the last few months. That trauma has led him to make some poor and impulsive decisions, but never with any kind of malice or ill intent.

Fjord’s whole arc and character is, I would argue, about identity and in particular feeling the lack of it. From childhood Fjord has struggled with having any kind of solid internal concept of himself and has looked outside himself to try and build an identity. He’s grown up not even sure what half his bloodline is as we know from Episode 21:

Nott: What is the other half?

Yasha: You’re half-orc, but what’s the other half?

Fjord: Half-human, I’d assume.

Yasha and Beau: You’d assume?

Fjord grew up in an orphanage with no knowledge of either of his parents - he knows one of them was an orc, but has had to guess and make assumptions about the other because he doesn’t know for certain. Right away there’s a disconnect from any sort of heritage; he’s grown up surrounded by humans, but doesn’t know for certain he has human blood to connect him to that culture and, besides, has been marginalised and othered by humans since childhood because of his appearance and obvious orc blood.

Travis confirmed on Talks Machina after Episode 19 that Fjord has never met a full-blood orc (and was disappointed to miss the chance with the hermit they met on the way to Labenda), and Fjord explicitly says of his childhood “there weren’t any others like me,” meaning neither were there other half-orcs to bond with or form some kind of communal identity. He only has external perspectives, stereotypes and prejudice against orcs to rely on to inform his perception of that side of his bloodline. He says in Episode 16 when he admits to filing his tusks:

Fjord: I feel like it’s a trait that exemplifies the rougher side of my race.

He is extremely aware of the conception of orcs as something monstrous and evil and how that manifests in his physical appearance. In Episode 11, he tries to connect with Nott by saying he understands feeling insecure and having self-image issues, and they have this exchange:

Nott: But you’re pretty handsome for a half-monster thing. I think Jester likes you.

Fjord: You think so?

Nott: Yeah.

Fjord: Well, I didn’t always look like this.

Nott: What?

Fjord: I wasn’t always a handsome half-monster thing.

Nott: What did you used to be?

Fjord: A kid, just like anyone else.

Nott: Still a monster thing, though.

Fjord: Yeah.

Nott: Oh. Just a less handsome one.

He tries to push back a bit against the label of ‘monster thing’ - which, while not said with any malice Nott’s part very aptly demonstrates the ingrained prejudice as it strips him of any kind of personhood and relegates him to a thing - by saying he was just a kid, but he immediately caves and accepts the label when Nott repeats it.

He readily and easily sees himself as a monster, because that’s what he’s grown up believing. He was bullied and teased for his physical differences to the point of being driven to self-harm by filing down his tusks. He says “I decided to take away the target that was most readily available for them” - he was attempting to appear more human, more like his tormentors, and less like a ‘monster thing’. He identifies his bullies as other kids, but in Hupperdook in Episode 24 when he reveals he grew up in an orphanage he says very forcefully: “They’re fucking terrible places.”

The implication from this is that not only did Fjord have a tough time with the other kids in the orphanage, but that the authorities in charge of it likely also marginalised and abused him - or at the very least turned a blind eye to Fjord being physically and emotionally tormented.

So from childhood his identity has been constructed in response to external pressure: a reaction to how other people viewed him and particularly how they viewed his orc heritage. It’s also why he says:

Fjord: I was a bit tougher than most of the other kids. I felt like I could take the physical poking, but the jeering I –

Jester: The emotional poking was too much.

Fjord can take being physically beaten or attacked, but words get to him - the jeering, name calling, teasing all cuts to heart of his identity issues and his lack of security in himself. He doesn’t have a strong enough sense of self to refute being a monster thing. As a child he’s had absolutely no contact with anyone remotely like himself, so how could he not start to believe that what people say is true? Instead he turns his anger and desperate uncertainty back on himself and removes what he sees as the physical manifestation of his monstrous nature.

After revealing he files his tusks, he says of his current appearance, “I think it’s how I’d like to see myself” - indicating he still doesn’t quite believe in the identity he has built for himself and his sense of self is still unstable. It’s also telling that when Yasha asks if he would ever want to let his tusks grow in his first response is:

Fjord: Yeah, there are times. I’ve seen them, other half orcs with the teeth.

Even as an adult he’s still looking outside himself to others. Now having seen other half-orcs, people who look like himself, it’s a war between an external conception of what he should look like as a half-orc and the internalised belief that his orc heritage, represented by his tusks, is something monstrous and “rough” that he should try to suppress or erase.

So as a young adult, having experienced a lifetime of cruelty and abuse that has caused him to try and physically alter himself to a more acceptable appearance, and with only prejudice and othering that left him with a very insecure sense of self, it’s no wonder he latches on to Vandran - the only person, in Travis’ words, to have shown him “attention and care.”

Admittedly there’s still a lot we don’t know about Vandran and Fjord’s time at sea, but there are a few clues we can string together from what Fjord’s said during his arc and from Travis’ descriptions in Fjord’s playlist:

Things seem the same - but where is Vandran? Who will guide Fjord now?

Fjord’s only known two lives — one he loved and valued, the other he detested and wishes he could forget.

Fjord considers his time on the sea to have been a new life for him, the first time he has been happy with where he is, and Vandran was a mentor and father-figure to him, and has impacted his life so deeply that Fjord is still deeply grieving his absence and trying to keep some connection to him by assuming his accent.

So it seems clear Vandran gives him a purpose and way to root his identity not in his race, but his profession - he’s not a half-orc monster any more, he’s a sailor. And he’s good at it. Even with the presence of Sabien, someone Fjord grew up with and who was one of his bullies, he’s happy and feels like he’s found a place where he’s valued and belongs.

But he’s still rooting his identity in something outside himself, and he’s looking to someone else to guide him and provide direction. His concept of self is still based on what he is, rather any kind of internal confidence in who he is. As a result his sense of self is still very unstable, as is demonstrated when the ship is blown up.

Fjord finds himself apparently the only survivor and without Vandran - without his mentor, the foundation for his identity, and Fjord’s response is to take on his accent. To change the way he presents himself and adapt that as part of his identity - both as an act of mourning a man he cared for, but likely also as a way to cling to the sense of purpose and identity he found with Vandran and on the ship that’s been ripped away from him. An identity that’s still in flux, as shown in the way he still moves between accents. And as per Travis’ words in the playlist: “Only by moving north and away from this city will Fjord be able to start fresh.”

In the wake of the shipwreck Fjord decides not to try and rebuild his life, but to completely start over and create something new. Because at this point, Fjord is going through an identity crisis like never before. He’s still reeling from the emotional and physical trauma of Sabien’s betrayal, of the shipwreck and most crucially of his literally drowning but, somehow, surviving, as Travis says in his playlist:

Panic. Confusion. The cold, dark and salty depths with no end in sight. And then light — but, how? Fjord shouldn’t be here. What is he forgetting? No time to ponder or fight something that seems to have a plan of its own.

He tells Jester during the Jellyfish Talk in Episode 36 that he gets sad sometimes, wishing things were different. He’s suffering from Survivor’s Guilt and possibly Impostor Syndrome, of feeling that he shouldn’t have survived when no one else did and that it’s somehow wrong that he’s here. Nor is it made any easier by the fact that he discovered Sabien is alive when he visited Vandran’s storehouses in Port Damali immediately following the wreck, but has no way of tracking him down or finding him in order to get closure for himself or justice for the rest of the crew.

And, of course, Fjord now has powers that he doesn’t understand and that have completely changed him and the way he views himself.

Travis has made clear on Talks that he didn’t know anything about Fjord’s Patron and until recently neither did Fjord. As far as he was concerned, he woke up on a beach, with a sword he was able to summon out of nowhere and suddenly magical abilities he’s slowly learning to control by trial and error as he goes. In his first dream of Uk’otoa in Episode 5 he asks outright:

Fjord: What—what are you?

Uk'otoa: "Watching."

Fjord: Watching… me?

Uk'otoa: Potential.

Fjord: My–my potential? What–what–what are you asking of me?

Fjord doesn’t know what Uk’otoa is or, more importantly, what it wants. From this conversation, his confusion over his powers, and from Travis’ comment about ‘forgetting’ something, it’s clear that he does not remember making the pact and does not know what its terms are. (Which the Player’s Handbook makes clear is entirely possible in the section on Warlocks, where it mentions some warlocks “stumbl[ing] into a pact without being fully aware of it”.)

So, did Fjord enter the pact voluntarily? Did someone (likely Vandran) give Fjord over to Uk’otoa without his consent? Did Uk’otoa simply claim him when he drowned?

Possibly Uk’otoa offered to save his life when he was drowning and Fjord, desperate and already half-dead, agreed without understanding what was happening - “no time to ponder or fight” - but has since subconsciously repressed the memory as a way of coping with the trauma of drowning. Possibly Uk’otoa saw a chance to bind someone else to him in the wake of Vandran’s apparent betrayal and took it.

Either way, it’s left a huge question mark over Fjord’s life - he had the identity he managed to build for himself shattered and taken away in one fell swoop and everything he thought he knew about himself changed.

Of course, as he learns to control his powers and grows stronger, he finds them exciting and starts to like them. Why wouldn’t he? He’s been powerless his whole life - powerless as a child to stop his tormentors, powerless to change what he is and the way he grew up, powerless to stop Sabien, powerless to stop himself from drowning. It’s only natural that he would find his new abilities thrilling.

Especially since now he’s met and, more importantly, bonded with the Mighty Nein. These are people who need him, who have shown they value his abilities and his opinions, who have accepted him and helped to give him a new purpose. And going back again to the playlist descriptions:

The last time he felt this comfortable, everything was ripped away from him — violently.

As I’ve said, Fjord is still suffering massively from survivor’s guilt and is grieving the life in which he was happy. Now he’s found somewhere else he feels like he belongs, with people he cares about. He’s afraid of losing them the same way he lost Vandran and his crew, of not being able to protect them. The only way he can protect them is with his newfound power, so it’s inevitable that he will cling to that and it will become a cornerstone of his sense of self - but what he doesn’t realise at this point is that he’s in danger of any sense of identity become subsumed by Uk’otoa’s will and agenda.

Now, he initially hides his visions of Uk’otoa from the M9, which was taken as evidence of his untrustworthiness and shadiness, but I’ll reiterate what I said at the start: I think Fjord is one of most upfront members of the group, or at the very least he consistently tries to be as honest as possible. He voluntarily reveals the information about his tusks and his childhood fairly early on in the campaign, and there’s no real reason to believe he’s lying about them. In comparison:

Caleb reveals his backstory only to Beau and Nott when Beau insists on an exchange for getting him into the Cobalt Soul’s library. He has deliberately kept it from the rest of the group until recently, and then has not revealed some of the most important details, and deflects whenever questions about his past are brought up.

Beau deflects most queries about her backstory and we only have minimal details about her childhood. She admitted to being part of the Cobalt Soul when it became useful and is reluctant to discuss her family at all, only giving very vague answers when pressed.

Nott gave an entirely fake story about her past and who she was and appears to have never intended to tell anyone the truth until her concern for her son and family overrode her other concerns.

Molly only revealed his past because his hand was forced when they met Cree.

Yasha has only revealed part of her story to Jester and Caduceus, and that was partly forced by Jester witnessing the fight between her and Kord’s lightning emissary.

I’m not criticising any of these choices - I’m not saying any of them should have been more upfront or that they don’t have a right to keep things to themselves, but comparatively speaking Fjord has shown more of a willingness to be open about himself.

Although I also think it’s worth pointing out that his honesty has usually come in the wake of teasing or a comment made without ill-will but that’s likely to poke at Fjord’s deep-seated insecurities: being called a half-monster, the digging about his tusks, being asked if he has ‘a thing’ for orphans or has ever eaten an orphan. There appears to be a pattern, where Fjord is hyper-aware of anything that might have implications or associations with the image of orcs as monstrous, aggressive, tough and feels he has to constantly push back against that image for himself, even with his friends. That would also go a long way to explaining why he’s so careful to try and present himself as polite, courteous, wanting to solve things with words over violence; he still harbours fears about being seen as a monster and is constantly trying to distance himself from that as much as possible.

It also ties into why keeping quiet about his visions of Uk’otoa is the exception, and not the rule.

As has been established, Fjord doesn’t remember making a pact with Uk’otoa. He doesn’t know what his visions are, what the being talking to him is or what it wants. And he’s afraid. With the Mighty Nein, Fjord has begun to establish a new identity for himself as someone powerful, someone in control - although they knew he’s not sure how he got his abilities and is looking for answers, there’s still a respect for what he can do and they need him. Admitting to his visions puts that identity at risk, and allowing the others to see his confusion and uncertainty, which he doesn’t want to do.

He’s willing to be vulnerable to an extent when it comes to pushing back against the monster image, but for the most part he operates behind a front. It’s not about being dishonest or hiding his true motives - at this point, I don’t think he’s even sure what his motives are - but as Travis says in his playlist: “Bury the pain and live on.”

Fjord is very good at burying his pain, fear and insecurities deep down and pretending that they don’t exist. Partly it’s because he’s never been afforded the opportunity to be vulnerable: he had to be tough, to put up a front to survive as a child, and he’s carried that habit into adulthood. He’s never had companionship and affection that’s allowed him to truly open up, so he doesn’t know how to deal with his trauma, his grief and his pain. Instead he just shoves it down and bottles it up, managing to appear as if he’s functional and coping, but it’s still there below the surface and affecting his decisions.

For example, his internalised belief that if he’s not careful people will only look at him and see a monster. And the Mighty Nein are no exception. Fjord is noticeably hiding more behind the politeness and courtesy at the beginning of the campaign with the M9 (and there is a still a pattern of him doing this with strangers and authority figures in particular), and only as he gets to know them and bonds with them does he start to relax and start to let that go - to be playful and teasing at times, but also a bit more abrasive and not as afraid to push back against them.

When he starts having the visions, however, that bond isn’t there. For someone so hyper-aware of giving the wrong impression, Fjord is going to weigh the risks of admitting that he’s having dreams of some powerful creature or entity that tells him ominously that it’s watching him, and wants him to consume and provoke. It’s an admission that plays directly into the perception of him as monstrous and possibly evil. And Fjord is terrified of rejection - it’s what he experienced for most of his life, and now after having everything he cared about ripped away from him he’s attached himself to a group of people who are the first to show him kindness - in Jester’s case, the first to bring light and laughter back into his life after a terribly traumatic experience. If he tells him, he risks losing them and finding himself alone again.

So, he keeps quiet.

I think it becomes even more important to him to hold on to them after the vision of Vandran in Episode 22. Everything he thought he knew shifts with the realisation that Vandran might not have been who he thought he was, and is connected in some way to the orb, the sword and the creature visiting him in his dreams. Part of the identity he’s founded for himself by taking on Vandran’s accent is based on a lie, or at least a partial truth. He’s suddenly faced with the possibility of losing Vandran a second time in a much different way, and Nott’s throwaway comment, “He might turn evil and kill us all” is unfortunately placed as a) echoes his childhood bullies and ‘evil’ perception of orcs and b) implies he could lose his new friends exactly when, emotionally, he probably needs them the most.

That fear of losing them is what makes the Iron Shepherds possibly the worst sort of trauma that Fjord could have experienced while he hasn’t recovered from the shipwreck and losing Vandran. For the first time in his life, he had the power to fight back against people who would hurt him and those he cares about - but the Shepherds take all the power away with ease and return him to a state of feeling helpless.

While shackled and bound, unable to do anything to help Yasha or Jester, he has to listen to Lorenzo calling him a ‘half-beast’, which would inevitably raise spectres of his youth and his internalised racism. For several days he has to endure his own torture and his friends’, while his insecurities make him uncertain whether the rest of the group will come for them - or at least for him. When he’s finally freed, he discovers that Molly, his roommate, was killed trying to rescue them. He’s able to admit to Beau and Caleb in Episode 30:

Fjord: I expect better of myself. Let you guys down, I let Jester down, I let Yasha down. I’ll never be able to shake this.

They assure him he’s not to blame, but I don’t think they realise how deeply it runs and is tangled up with his existing survivor’s guilt. Fjord failed to stop Sabien from blowing up the ship, and feels the responsibility of Vandran and his crewmates’ deaths and of being the only one to have survived. And until the Iron Shepherds, he wasn’t just surviving but thriving. He’d made new friends he cares deeply for and who care for him, he’s more powerful than he’s ever been in his life and the world suddenly holds a lot more opportunities for him. In some ways the shipwreck was a good thing for him, so imagine how much that thought exacerbates his guilt and feelings of responsibility.

But now he’s failed, and even with magic he wasn’t able to protect Jester and Yasha and he wasn’t there to protect Mollymauk - in fact he’s the reason Mollymauk was put in danger in the first place. Everything he goes through with the Iron Shepherds only compounds Fjord’s existing trauma and guilt complex. And it shatters the foundations of the identity he’s begun to build for himself as someone with power.

But in the midst of all this, they found the letter about the cloven crystal and “the Captain” in Lorenzo’s things. Suddenly Fjord has a concrete lead, rather than the vague hope he had with the Soltryce Academy, and a possibility of finding answers about what’s happened to him. Answers that might help resolve his identity issues, answers about Vandran, that might lead him to gaining more control over his magic and even make him more powerful and thus better able to protect his friends. Naturally, he latches on to it.

At first he does try to pursue things himself. Obviously from a Doylist perspective, Travis sent Fjord on the walkabout because he hates shopping and filler episodes and wanted to do something he finds more engaging, but from a Watsonian point of view going off by himself immediately following his rescue to ask questions is an attempt to resolve matters without putting the rest of the M9 at any more risk. It also shows the change in his mindset, how it’s become a more urgent matter for him that he wants to get started on right away.

In the wake of the Iron Shepherds, Fjord seems to lose some perspective regarding how far to go - what he is capable of doing, vs what he should do. His judgement is clouded by fear that if he doesn’t hold back then once again someone he cares for will be hurt and it will be his fault for not preventing it. It’s noticeable that following his captivity Fjord becomes a lot more ruthless in his approach to what he sees as potential threats - take Algar for example. He’s a lot more brutal that he really needs to be in pursuit of him, going straight to cutting off his hand and wanting to take him out however necessary. Because Algar is a threat to Marion, who Jester deeply cares about, and Fjord’s already let Jester down once and it determined not to go so again, so he does whatever he can to make sure that doesn’t happen.

And all of this is further compounded by the pirate arc and delving into his backstory.

In some ways the disaster that was them trying to talk to Marius in Nicodranas and ending up killing a crew, stealing their ship and making themselves possible fugitives is very ironic and unintentional for the whole of Fjord’s arc: he has the best of intentions, he wants answers about himself and his powers and suddenly has a real chance to get them, but things rapidly spiral out of control and the M9 end up in a dangerous situation that reinforces his guilt complex and feelings of responsibility. He recognises the tenuous line he’s walking, asking Beau to keep him in check, but it also makes him more determined to get answers because he believes that will give him the power he needs to protect his friends.

While they’re at sea, Fjord becomes the literal captain. Although he’s previously been willing to step up and be the face of the group - from childhood, after all, he has worked to make himself acceptable and palatable and he knows how to weaponise his charm to avoid angering people, although he’s never been close enough to anyone to get to learn how people work on an individual level and thus tailor his charm - all their decisions up until this point have been communal ones, rather than one person definitively taking the lead. Furthermore, Travis said on the Talks for Episode 36 that Fjord had been first mate under Vandran, so he has experience giving order, but in the Talks for Episodes 37 and 43 that he’s not comfortable doing so; to survive he has always tried to blend in and being pushed to the front and making decisions is not something Fjord likes to do or feels easy doing.

Now, however, Fjord is specifically thrust into a leadership position. He attempts to retain that communal decision making and consult the others, but they defer to him - likely in an attempt to be respectful, as they’re delving into Fjord’s story, but still inadvertently feeding directly into his issues. They are here because of him, any danger they end up in or harm that comes to them is because of him, if he makes a poor decision here and what happened to Mollymauk happens again it is directly Fjord’s fault.

All this is on his shoulders when he enters into what is essentially a power game with Avantika, who is clear that she can, and will, have them killed at any minute if she wants to and who is Fjord’s only chance to get the answers he’s looking for. It’s made more complicated by the fact that he feels connected to Avantika in a way he never has with anyone else - he’s never met anyone with shared experience to him before: he knew no other half-orcs growing up, Jester and Caleb both have a much more secure and solid understanding of their powers than he does, although he somewhat relates to Nott’s self-image issues they’re coming from very different perspectives. Now he meets Avantika, who also has the dreams of Uk’otoa, who has felt the power he’s being offered, who understands exactly what he’s going through. He tells her in Episode 37 “I don’t feel quite as alone in this”, and he’s partly trying to get her on-side but it’s also true.

But at the same time he’s finally starting to learn about his patron and what he’s learning . . . isn’t good. Which starts throwing his identity and sense of self into flux again.

Since discovering his magic, Fjord has felt - for possibly the first time in his life - strong. Capable. Able to protect people. And now he discovers that those powers have been given to him by a serpent created by one of the betrayer gods of the Calamity, a serpent that was sealed away and wants to be freed to claim the land it used to rule over. All his fears about the being in his dreams being evil appear to be very much true - so what does that make Fjord, who has spent his life trying to distance himself from a evil image?

Without his magic, he goes back to being helpless and unable to protect the people he cares about - possibly once more having to endure watching them get hurt and being unable to do anything about it. But if he embraces it, embraces Uk’otoa, he becomes the very thing he has never wanted to be. That if it’s even possible to extricate himself at this point. And if he does manage to, that still leaves the question of Avantika - can he turn his back, knowing she’ll still be trying to free Uk’otoa? And how does Vandran fit into all of this?

They can’t simply walk away from Avantika, so as long as they’re in her power Fjord has to play along with what she expects of him. That is, play into an image that is the exact opposite of how he had wanted to present himself. He does it, because it’s his best chance to ensure his friends get out of this unscathed and his best chance to get further answers about what being a Chosen of Uku’toa means for him and about Vandran. But it’s got to mess with his head, trying to project an air of leadership and confidence, of certainty about Uk’otoa, things he very much doesn’t feel. And then even the Mighty Nein, his friends, who he trusts and who he thought trusted him, start questioning him and wondering what his intentions are with Uk’otoa, making him doubt himself further. Maybe he finds the part too easy to play. He’s had a vision of power to control the sea itself and he still likes feeling strong and powerful - maybe liking it means he really is a monster and evil at heart. Even before the vision, in Episode 37, he says of the power Avantika’s after:

Fjord: But doesn’t it seem like too much?

and also

Caleb: It sounded like she wants power.

Fjord: She does. Unleashing things that are too terrible to talk about, but you can use your imagination.

Fjord has had difficulties drawing boundaries with his power because he’s never had it before and because of the trauma he’s experienced, but he is still afraid of going too far. Of crossing the line from being strong to be a monster. He says to Caleb in Episode 41:

Fjord: I think you know what I mean. But in case this thing gets out of hand, can I count on you to right the ship if need be?

He’s talking about Avantika in the most immediate sense, but the fact that he’s asking Caleb to keep an eye out and right the ship implies that Fjord thinks he might not be able to do himself. Either because Avantika will already have killed/incapacitated him . . . or perhaps because there’s a chance that he might also be getting out of hand. “Right the ship” such a curious expression to use here, since they’ve never trusted Avantika. They’re not trying to “right” her, to pull her back or save her. So I think Fjord is considering himself in that request as well.

He tries to drown Avantika in the temple in Episode 40 as a way to try and cut through the tangle of everything - it would remove a thread to his friends without suspicion falling on them, would stop her mission to free Uk’otoa and give Fjord more time to figure out how to handle it, and let him stop pretending to be what he doesn’t want to be until he risks losing himself in the deception. But it doesn’t work and Fjord panics and tries to mitigate the damage he may have done by entering into a sexual relationship with her to try and bring her closer and convince her to trust him.

As I mentioned before, I think Fjord tries to be upfront as much as possible. He’ll lie and deceived in one-off situations where it’s immediately necessary to achieve their goals or keep them safe, but in extended acquaintance, with the M9 and such, he prefers to be honest. He keeps some things to himself - things directly related to his traumas, such as his accent - but generally doesn’t directly lie. His sense of self is so insecure and unstable, I think he avoids extended deception because he finds it too easy to get lost in it and find himself unintentionally adapting into his identity.

That’s part of why his characterisation skews during this arc. He’s trying to be too many things and is losing sight of who and what he really is. He tries to remind himself - by trying to take out Avantika, in Episode 41 when they attack the merchant ship and he insists on doing it with as little violence as possible - but the identity he had started to build for himself the M9 has been proven to be founded on very shaky foundations and he doesn’t have a secure enough sense of self to hold on to.

The confrontation with Avantika and her death, coming much sooner than anticipated, is both good and bad for Fjord. He’s able to stop pretending to be as enthralled by Uk’otoa as she is - although some damage has already been done, with Caleb questioning him and Nott making remarks about him turning evil, which feed into his doubts and his fear of rejection. I don’t think it’s until his conversation with Jester in Episode 47: “Some people are evil, it’s okay! Just don’t be evil to me,” which reassures him that she won’t leave him and implicty reveals that she’s afraid of him rejecting them that he’s able to put some of those fears to rest.

On the other hand, losing Avantika and getting banished from Darktow in one fell swoop robs Fjord of the chance of getting answers about Vandran and his place in everything. Was he a fanatic like Avantika? Was he trying to escape Uk’otoa? A huge part of Fjord’s sense of self is founded in his relationship with Vandran, to point of making Vandran’s accent part of his identity, so he needs answers both to help decide how to move forward and to pull together an identity that’s beginning to fall apart. All the magic and power he’s gained can’t help with that, and he only has one more route available to do that - finding the second temple - so his focus and determination become almost manic.

Searching out answers means revisiting the site of his most significant trauma: the shipwreck where he lost Vandran, where he failed to stop Sabien, and where he drowned. Fjord’s typical response to pain and trauma is to bury it and ignore it, but in Episode 44 he’s deliberately dragging it up again - retelling the whole story of what happened, seeing for himself the result of the shipwreck and then following the only lead he has while finding some hope that Vandran might be alive (and having to start questioning what it will mean if he is). Fjord’s gotten a lot of criticism for being more abrasive and antagonistic than usual this episode - but is it any wonder? He’s been repressing everything for so long and now the grief, survivor’s guilt and stress come right to the fore, honed to a much sharper edge by desperation. Fjord is on edge the entire episode while trying to maintain his facade and pretend that he’s coping.

I think some of that starts to bleed through (no pun intended) when it comes to the altar in Dashilla’s Lair. Obviously there’s a meta element of Travis being an impulsive and curious player to likes to mess things that Matt presents them with, but in terms of justification from a character POV - Fjord’s spent the day reliving the memories of a day he felt utterly powerless, his inability to stop what happened and save the rest of the crew, and his friends have once again been put in danger because of him, having to fight Dashilla (who at once point tried to take control of Fjord and almost made him hurt them himself). So the sight of an object of power, that might give him some extra power? Goaded on by Caleb, who gives into a moment of weakness when he sees an opportunity to gain leverage for achieving his own goals, Fjord’s trauma temporarily wins out and he makes a poor decision to slice open his palm and pour his blood into it. But after a moment he calms down, sees his friends are no longer in immediate danger, and is able to regain control and pull back from that trauma-driven impulse.

Coming to the close of his arc, he has begun to calm down generally and his characterisation has steadied again for three reasons:

First, he’s still a dead end when it comes to Vandran. Having been to the second temple he’s no further forward and has no more leads to pursue, which forces him to take a step back and alleviate some of that desperate single-mindedness. He has no reason to think the third temple will make things any clear and, besides he’s also hyper aware that pushing forward to the third temple brings with it all the risks and uncertainties regarding freeing Uk’otoa, which is a significant enough deterrent to offset his curious and impulsive nature - as Travis has said on Talks, he doesn’t want “the endgame that’s been shown to him” or to complete that third part of the puzzle.

There’s also the fact that thanks to Caduceus, Fjord now has confirmation that Vandran is indeed alive. He doesn’t know how to find him as yet, but just the knowledge is enough to help ease his grief and guilt. It will also force him to confront the ways in which he’s adapted Vandran’s traits for himself and hopefully allow him to separate his own identity from Vandran’s more.

Second, he’s no longer being pushed into the de-facto leadership position. He was clear that once he was on land he was no longer the captain, and already after the second temple it shows in decisions becoming more communal about exactly which direction they’ll head. That pressure being taken off Fjord’s shoulders is important in helping him work through his survivor’s guilt and feelings of responsibility towards the M9. He’s able to shed the persona of a confident he’s been trying to project and settle more into himself.

Third, he has something to focus on besides his own trauma. While we may yet see it backfire as Fjord once again tries to bury it, equally it is helpful that he is no longer having to dig actively into his pain every day. It gives him room to breathe and, hopefully, begin to heal rather than keeping cutting open the wound afresh.

What I expect, and hope, we’ll see over the coming arc, is Fjord being able to settle and feel more comfortable in himself and begin to form a more solid internal identity for himself. Having removed some of the barriers between himself and his friends can only help as his bonds with them are strengthened and friendships deepened. I think the affection and trust growing between them will help him become more sure of himself and start to overcome those fears of rejection and of becoming a monster.

And the stronger Fjord’s sense of self becomes the better, because I think the danger at this point is that the fact that his identity is still so unstable is what makes him so vulnerable to Uku’otoa. Although he might have good intentions at the moment, the power and strength Uk’otoa is offering are going to be hugely tempting to someone with such deep rooted insecurities and might lead Fjord down a darker path.

So might Fjord yet be drawn to evil? Yes, it’s possible. Uk’otoa clearly is evil and he is very deliberately constructed to play into Fjord’s trauma and biggest weakness.

Is Fjord already evil? No, I would say absolutely not. He’s made mistakes, but I think the idea that he’s evil relies on him having a much surer concept of himself than he actually does.

Fjord’s made mistakes, sure. But he’s still trying his hardest to be good, and not to be the monster he was told from earliest childhood that he is.

#critical role #fjord #cr fjord #fjord meta #critical role meta #cr spoilers

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the-queer-look · 5 years

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Butch is Beautiful

The scope of LGBTQIA+ culture and identity is incredibly wide. People in all parts of our community have grown up in different parts of a wider cishet community and culture, bringing those experiences with them. This constant injection into our community means that it is as hard to nail down a unifying sense of Queer Fashion, as it is to nail down specifics for gender identity. There will people who identify the same, but present different aspects of that identity, and there will likewise always be people who never feel comfortable with any labels at all.

- K

Name: Ciara

Age: 23

Gender: They/Them

Sexuality: Lesbian

Location: Summer Hill

Occupation: Cashier, studying fitness

My sexual identity I guess I would say is lesbian, but my gender identity is… a bit more nebulous. In some capacity it has its roots in womanhood, just because being a woman, and being raised as a girl has been very important to me in how I experience the world, but beyond that, I don’t have any particular attachment to femininity. But being raised as a woman, and experiencing the world as a woman has been so instrumental to me becoming who I am, that to completely disregard it when talking about my gender identity would seem a little disingenuous.

I’ve always been very insistent that people realise and remember among all this discussion about gender to remember that women can be masculine, and that butch and masculine women do exist. I’ve held onto that as a part of my identity for a long time, because it felt I needed to prove that it could exist, and I guess I feel that I still do. I don’t want to disregard my womanhood, because it’s very important to me, but I dont feel any attachment to the physical markers of my womanhood. For example, I want top surgery at some point, I guess because when I was a kid I was very happy with my short hair and running around shirtless and enjoying the androgyny that came with being a child. I started going through puberty and freaked out about now having to be different. Like the entirety of being a teenager was just about trying to be okay with that? So I feel like I spent my teenage years feeling like a defective woman. I used to hate when people would think I was a boy, so I would try to be more performative in my femininity, but there was something that felt so completely unnatural about it. I got to my twenties, and realised that it wasn’t working for me, though since embracing my masculinity, and realising that I want to be read as a masculine person, I’ve then become more comfortable with putting on a bit more femininity, as long as I can be read as someone who isn’t traditionally feminine whilst doing so.

I don’t identify as nonbinary, for the same reason that I don’t, on a personal level, identify as queer. I think the pure range of things that Queer and Non-binary covers, doesn’t feel particularly accurate to me. I appreciate that for many people, the broad blanket statements of Queer and Non-binary feel very comfortable, but for me it feels a bit too open ended. I certainly identify strongly with transmasculinity, but I’ve seen and known people who identify themselves as “transmasculine lesbian,” which feels like a better fit, even though it sounds like an oxymoron at the same time, and “lesbian” has nothing to do with gender identity… I guess I’m still working it out a little bit, but everything changes over time, and I can only ever be true to myself y’know?

When I was a teenager I’d get crushes on both men and women, but there was something about the crushes that I got on women that was just so...physical… Like I’d get so nervous around them that I just couldn’t talk, and my hands would start shaking when I saw girls I had a crush on. I just interpreted that at the time as physical anxiety about not being out as bisexual to a lot of people, but retrospectively I’ve realised that all of my crushes on women have been like that, and none of my crushes on men. I identified as bisexual from about sixteen till nineteen, and then.. I just sort of stopped being attracted to boys. I realised sometime when I was twenty that I just wasn’t attracted to men anymore, so I tried referring to myself as a lesbian to see how that felt, and it just sorta stuck, And I never liked a boy again! *laughter*

When I first came out, I was intensely scared of being read as too masculine. I’d be wearing these horribly fitting t-shirts, with push-up bras underneath, and these incredibly tight jeans, like a butch/femme fusion in the most uncomfortable way possible. But I sort of moved towards more more masculine clothing to see if it felt more comfortable. And it did, it did. I started wearing a binder from time to time, and wearing mens clothes, and it felt so good to just not be uncomfortable with how things fit me, and how my body looked under clothes. But because I’ve always been quite butch looking, I’ve never really had any problems signifying to anyone in, or out of the community that theres something very queer here. As an assigned female at birth, but masculine presenting person, I’ve never had any problems standing out in the community. Sometimes people read me as nonbinary, or transmasculine, or just a butch woman, none of which I mind. For the most part I dont mind what people read me as, I used to hate being mistaken for a boy, but not so much anymore depending on context. Out and about on the street, being mistaken for a boy is fine, but being yelled at for trying to use the womens bathroom? Not so much. I think, as a queer person, I have a huge privilege of being palatably androgynous, when I know there’s this immense pressure for many nonbinary folks to present this way for their gender identity to be considered valid. I can’t imagine how frustrating it would be to be under that pressure, because it’s just how my body is.

For me the internet has been important for doing research and having resources. Be that looking up “do other people like me exist?” or researching tips and tricks on presentation. I think that before having this community at our fingertips, it would have been incredibly difficult to exist as a queer person. But I feel that for all that social media contributes to comparing yourself to people in an unhealthy way, I feel that things like Facebook and Instagram have been helpful for me the be able to document myself. It helps me manage dysphoria, and moments of not seeing myself clearly, or moments of insecurity; I feel that it helps to have a consistent log of images taken of myself two or three times a month. I like sharing with people how I look, because when you do go through a lot of physical changes, it feels good to keep people up to date with that. If you met someone three years ago, it’s nice to know that if they have you on facebook or whatever, they get to see what you look like as your perception of yourself changes, rather than having this outdated image in their brain. Go off, take photos of yourself kids, selfies everyday.

I feel that historically that LGBTQIA+ community has had to use these quiet signifiers to signal their sexuality to other people in the know, whilst flying under the radar. I think that there’s nothing really wrong with fitting into queer stereotypes. I fit into a lot o stereotypes about both butch lesbians, and nonbinary people. I think that the worst that can, and does come from it, is that people who don’t prescribe to those norms tend to feel a bit invisible, like femme lesbians have major gripes about people thinking I’m straight, and the only time people think that about me is when they think I’m a straight boy, so I cant imagine how bad that is. It becomes bad when we assume that these stereotypes are the norm for the whole community, but I think that if people want to signify their gender or sexuality in these ways, then theres nothing wrong with that. As long as we don’t expect people to abide by these stereotypes, I think there is zero problem with them.

I feel like the mainstream media needs to catch up in terms of queer fashion. Theres a massive disconnect between what you see on tv, and in movies, vs what you see in person at a queer event, where everyone’s dressed… I cant even begin to describe how fashion it is. I went to an event over the weekend where everyone was dressed in just weird shit, which is actual queer culture, and queer fashion. It is important to recognise that queer fashion doesn’t actually exist. Because the culture is as wide and varied as there is in the broader mainstream community, that any attempt to capture an idea of queer fashion will alienate most of the community entirely.

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#thequeerlook #the queer look #queer #lgbt #lgbtqia #lgbtqiaplus #interview #identity #butch #lesbian #girl #woman #non binary #gender #sexuality #photography #photograph #portrait #portraiture

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thatomoruri-blog · 5 years

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The internet (Mass Media) is affecting how we communicate in the 21st century.

In today’s day and age media is the quickest and most relevant way to gain information and stay in contact. whether it be social, sports, politics and anything in between and as a species that thrives on technological development, we need to consider how easy access to a plethora of resources through the internet affects the way in which we communicate in person.

In 2019, everyone wants to be different, everyone wants to have something unique to say or add to the conversation. There is nothing wrong with that, but if it means making things up just to have a sense of individuality, then that’s where the issues lies.

We live in the world where FAKE NEWS EXISTS. It doesn’t matter what is said, where it comes from and or who said it, as long as you said it it first then you must be correct and what you said must be true. if a country, furthermore, a planet is infested with false information, pure, true and genuine communication will be something very rare and valuable to come by.

everywhere you go someone has access to the internet, which means they can alter and manipulate data online to trick people for their own personal gain. Some will pretend to be sick/injured, some will pretend to be assaulted/abused just to gain attention and fame or publicity. but these same people forget or overlook the fact that if it was so easy to make up these stories it will make it possible to expose them eventually. Even for those who genuinely have been affected by these issues, they may find it easier to go to the internet and express their sorrow allowed, yet in anonymous ways to avoid any back lash from their offender and insensitive people. We all go through emotions, but society has somehow deemed it immoral to express your emotions in public without any negative feedback. causing most of the population to believe that in this world emotions are sign of weakness. This causes a lot of people, mainly teenagers and young adults lost and helpless. and feeling like they are part of the problem that they themselves are facing

That’s when someone would go seeking advice or help from a person who might be able to sympathies and maybe guide them, but since mass media is easier to access its seen as the go to, and only when that has nothing remotely relevant to help solve the problem then we decide go seek human help . that’s usually when its sometimes too late or the issue is so far gone that they have been changed forever.

Although it maybe contain a lot of false information and content that disrupt a persons mental and emotional values and morals, the internet can really help and develop a lot of people, emotionally, psychologically, socially, ect. it has as many, if not more, benefits as there are issues. The internet has the capabilities of allowing you to purchase a house in Spain while you live in japan. learn languages of countries you’ve never been to. understand cultures you never experienced. you can even start a multi billion rand company in your moms backroom and meet your soul mate the next week.

the possibilities are endless. both good and bad. it is some what like a two-sided coin. yin and yang so to speak. it isn’t all bad but its not all sun shine and rainbows either.

With that being said, we need to consider how much it has taken away from human interaction and activity to give us a sense of efficiency and productivity.

for instance when you and your partner go out for diner. instead of having deep and meaningful conversations with each other. you and your partner will be face deep in your phones and take pictures of each other and the food just to prove to people, whom where not even invited and couldn’t care less about you and your partner, what you two are eating and how much of a good time you are having. Which is not a problem at all. to each his/her own, but where does the connection come in that interaction. what do you learn about your partner. what do they learn about you. because mass media made it so easy to share our moments with the rest of the world, we now forget to take in our moments for ourselves and enjoy them to their full potential. sharing with the rest of the world can be bad thing. because people filled with insecurity and jealousy and envy will see/ hear what you said/did on the internet and hate you for it, and some will take it overboard threaten you or even hurt you all because you where doing you for everyone else to see.

some could say you where asking for it. but you are not wrong for wanting to express yourself. and how you do it shouldn’t matter to anyone but you. That is unless of course it harms others, then you must reconsider your methods.

I personally think the world needs to have some sort of intervention. Day of disconnection if you will, where all forms of mass media are banned and people must actually interact with and learn about each other and grow and eventually develop a strong sense respect and pride for your fellow brother/sister as well as themselves. which is an outrageous thing to want to happen, but in a world where people would rather pull out a phone to record than a hand to help, something outrageous is exactly what we need.

but those are just my thoughts.

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reverse-winx · 5 years

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Once she found out. Im sorry for the long ass rant I just wanted to vent.

*~* (continued) addressed in the show which is really dumb. Ether way Bloom shouldn’t have openly flirted and kissed Andy while she was dating Sky(see episode 4,6,18). Next I want to talk about StellaxBrandon. So Mitzy kisses Brandon on the cheek and Stella gets upset and accused him of cheating. Now what I don’t understand is how this couple, who openly flirted with other people as a fun game (see season 2 episode 8) suddenly one of them can’t at least listen to both sides of the situation.

*~* (continued) And Finally....MusaxRiven..xJason. This couple is annoying. Now Riven was in the wrong for getting bitchy with Andy and his crew, however you can understand his anger toward Jason. You’re not supposed to be on a first name bases with your boss, whom you just met. Further more after Musa and Riven break up her dumbass thinks that Jason had a thing for her even though he was engaged to someone else. But what really GRINDS MY GEARS is that she wanted to go crawling back to Riven

***

I feel like I’m missing chunks of this rant and I have no idea where they are. Regardless, I also have been displeased by how relationships were handled in the show. However, because I’m a happy ace who, while not aro, is not yet interested in a romantic relationship, I’ve got no idea how I can write realistic relationships. But I’ll try to make the Reversed relationships reasonable, and I’m relying on my readers (and my extensive if inaccurate fiction- and fanfiction-based understanding) to keep me honest! TBH I’m bad with emotions in general, so I’m really gonna need your help when the relationships come in to play. I know that there are lots of ranges in relationships such as sexual intimacy, non-sexual physical intimacy, emotional intimacy, and all sorts of other things, from cuteness to seriously messed up stuff, but I’ve experienced none of it, so HELP.

Anyhow, my emotional and relationship constipation aside, here are my ideas for the Reversed relationships.

Bloom and Sky - tbh I never liked this couple as much as some of the others. Sky gets possessive and I can’t stand that, and Bloom can be pretty nasty to Diaspro (not that Diaspro isn’t asking for it half the time in the show). My goal with this relationship is really to underscore the difference between a commoner-raised, liberal-minded girl and a noble-raised, more conservative boy, and how the two sides can balance each other out. I want sweetness, awkwardness, cultural disconnect, and all sorts of other things.

Stella and Brandon - I always found these guys pretty wholesome in the classic seasons (1-4), even if Stella was a bit much a lot of the time. In Reversed, however, Stella is sharp AF and just plays blond ditz. So expect both cuteness and intellectual conversations. If I were to give my Stella a Hogwarts house, she’d be Slytherin all the way, while Brandon would be a Hufflepuff. His loyalty and chill is the perfect balance for her determination and drive. I also want them to have a healthy open relationship, where they can flirt and sleep with whoever, or even bring home someone to share, while still knowing that they are the only two for each other.

Aisha and ? - I’m only really familiar with classic (5 made me sad, 6 I didn’t watch all the way through even though I wanted to, and 7 I couldn’t even try), so... yeah. Despite her tough exterior, Aisha is actually quite insecure, so whoever she’s with will have to work to get her to be emotionally open. However, this girl will take care of and support her partner with her life, and she’ll grow to let her heart be vulnerable eventually.

Flora and Helia - these two have historically been my favorite couple! It may be because my aesthetic is pretty boys and Helia is very much my type. Anyhow, these two will be super wholesome and emotionally supportive, and this will all be in the face of Flora being one half cold-blooded killer and one half supportive potioneer, while Helia is a pacifist. I guess they’ll go through some trials and tribulations in coming to terms with who they are as people, but it’ll end up good for them, I promise!

Tecna and Timmy - I always found these guys blah in classic, and I want them to be completely not that in this. I imagine Timmy as getting over his awkward quickly with my Tecna, who just does not have a concept of what awkward is. He’ll teach her what he knows about interaction, and she’ll teach him directness and confidence. Anyhow, my inspiration for my Tecna was Sherlock from the recent BBC show, so Timmy will grow to be the John that tempers and complements her.

Musa and Riven - I’ve historically had problems with this relationship because Riven is generally an ass in canon. I mean, if I’m remembering right he did mature a bit from 1 to 4, but then ownership changed and in 5 and 6 he was back to being annoying. Anyway, there will be none of that Reversed. My Riven doesn’t start respecting women, that’s for sure, but my Musa is no teary-eyed pushover either. They’ll be a slow burn, starting as friends because both have backgrounds that don’t let them trust enough to jump into a relationship. They’ll earn each other’s respect and start caring about each other more deeply, and then they’ll be in a relationship without even noticing the dynamic change or making it official.

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girlsbtrs · 3 years

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Growing Up One Step Behind Lorde

Written By Lila Danielsen Wong. Graphic by Paula Nicole.

It’s late July of 2015. It’s a little past two a.m. and I’m in the basement of my parents house. My parents left me home alone for a night, so I did what any newly 16-year-old would do; I got a bottle of cheap vodka from someone’s older brother and threw my very first small party. Two of my closest friends are sleeping inches away. Out of my cheap drugstore headphones come a slow synth build, sounding distant and underwater. It erupts into a pulse, just too fast to be a heartbeat. Lorde’s “Ribs” pushes on in all its teenage glory. “Mom and Dad let me stay home,” she tells me before confiding “it drives you crazy getting old.” In the next pre-chorus this morphs into the more tender, “I’ve never felt more alone, it feels so scary getting old.”

Before a live performance of “Ribs” in 2014, barely 18-year-old Lorde tells the audience that she wrote this song about a big party she had when her parents left town when she was 16. She was with her best friend afterwards at 4 a.m. unsuccessfully trying to go to sleep. He asked her what was wrong, and she said, regarding the party, “There’s something really crazy about throwing a party like this and doing something this huge. It feels grown up, and it feels like a rite of passage, and that's cool. It's cool to do stuff for the first time, but it also really freaks me out because once you do something that feels grown up it's really hard to come back, and if you've only ever been a kid the thought of having to be an adult is really terrifying.”

Three years after Lorde had this conversation with her friend, I’m sitting in my own basement all the way across the world after my own party listening to that very song and letting every word vibrate through my entire self. It feels so scary getting old, but hearing a girl from suburban New Zealand say exactly what I was thinking makes me feel a little bit less “so alone.”

In 2013, Ella Yelich O’Connor wrote an EP called The Love Club with local musician Joel Little and put it on Soundcloud under the name Lorde. To the surprise of both of them, it blew up. After collecting 60,000 downloads, UMG released it commercially and it managed to hit the charts in New Zealand and Australia. However, it was the release of “Royals” as a radio single that put Lorde on the international radar.

“Royals” was penned as a sort of wry defiance to celebrity culture and a call out to it’s disconnect from the general public. She noticed that many popular musicians based their clout on trashing hotel rooms and diamond watches, and this was so removed from her and her friends, at a house party not knowing if they would get a ride home. “Royals” and The Love Club EP were followed by Lorde’s debut album, Pure Heroine, a collection of songs about “the feeling of being [her] age” and “the weird social issues that come with being a teenager.”

After her global success made her visible worldwide, those who would be attracted to listen beyond “Royals” and become fans were fellow teens at fellow parties who also were “counting dollars on the train to the party”.

In 2017, Lorde released Melodrama. If Pure Heroine is about what it’s like to be a teenager, Melodrama captures life as a fledgling adult. Lorde has said that Melodrama is an album about a break up. She also has called it a concept album about a house party, telling The New York Times “it’s a record about being alone. The good parts and the bad parts.”

This release coincided with my high school graduation. It was the soundtrack of my final months of childhood and what I listened to through the transition to the next phase of life.

I spent my first year after high school in my hometown. I remember sitting in my house in September after all my friends had left for college and listening to “Liability”. My parents had left for a weekend trip and I was home alone, this time with no one to invite over. “Liability” is the second single from Melodrama. It’s a stripped piano ballad about the depths of insecurity, driving people away until you find yourself startlingly alone. “Every perfect summer’s eating me alive until you’re gone,” she sings; getting older comes stark changes in social circles and lifestyles, some of which can leave periods of time in which you find yourself startlingly alone.

I related to these feelings of disconnect and isolation and felt the song intimately just as I had felt “Ribs” two years earlier. Whereas the loneliness in “Ribs“ was the feeling of distance from everything you know when you’re on the cusp of adulthood; this loneliness comes from the other side of this cusp, when you look up and everything has changed. Melodrama ushered me into adulthood, and Lorde was like a voice from the future reassuring me that this was normal. If two years ahead of me Lorde the international star was sitting in a taxi feeling the exact same way I was feeling, then perhaps this happens to everyone and is just part of growing up.

The following summer, after a party I helped someone else host, I put on “Ribs” before I went to bed and was surprised to find that it didn’t “vibrate through my entire self” anymore. That stage of coming of age had come and gone for me.

The parties in Melodrama had grown up too; we’re no longer worried about getting caught by our parents. “Green Light,” the lead single, Lorde described as a song about the girl at the party who is a crying mess but doesn't seem to care. “Sober” asks about the morning after; “But what will we do when we’re sober?” “Liability” is looking in the mirror and not feeling so great about who you are and where you are. Growing up is reframed as self-discovery, mainly through the common young adult experience of a house party.

Sometimes, this is where I lose her.

In “Sober II” she cites the “glamour and the trauma,” and my life is nowhere near “glamourous”. The desperate feverishness of these more grown up parties of Melodrama are not what my life looked like. At the end of the day, I was reminded that she’s a pop star who already has her life financially set for her, and I was a college student with a limited social life and a whole lot of homework.

I wonder if I am just ready for the next album to usher me into the next phase of my life, or if this is this where our paths diverge.

Although the reception of “Solar Power” has been relatively positive, some fans noticed that the new single was missing some of the, well, angst of her previous catalogue. This is especially striking because for a lot of us this year has been somewhere on the spectrum of angsty to agonizing. Her most recent release, “Stoned at the Nail Salon,” ponders the nature of being settled. This second release contextualized not only “Solar Power,” but also why some fans may be feeling a little disconnected from her newest era. I listen to Lorde talk about how she loves her quiet, stable life, with “the vine hangin' over the door, and the dog who comes when [she] calls” from the corner of my sublet of someone’s living room, which I rent as I apply for yet another job that isn’t really hiring because of covid or is going to be taken by one of the millions of 2020 and 2021 graduates who got a serious delay on their quest for the peace and stability Lorde is talking about. This is not to say that me or any of her other listeners won’t relate to her new music, especially as she sprinkles in lines such “as all the music you loved at sixteen, you'll grow out of”, but it’s still up in the air whether or not the fact that she is a wealthy pop singer from New Zealand will finally effect her ability to “vibrate souls” of her younger fan base like she once did.

Lorde’s fanbase is just enough younger than her that, so far, once she has written an album about whatever phase of life she just went through, they are on the cusp of experiencing it. Teenagers are known for their “no one understands me” angst, and growing up one step behind Lorde reminded me how deeply universal the feelings and experiences that came with growing up are. Whether it’s coming from a teenage girl from suburban New Zealand (who must have been way cooler than me because her first party topped mine by about 100 more people) or a full blown star crying in a New York taxi, Lorde captured the most intimate moments of youth, offered them as a preview of the next age to her young fan base, and gently reassured them that these glimpses of fear and loneliness are perhaps what unites us as humans who are slowly but somehow rapidly getting older. However, how much longer will her experiences be this universal? As an artist whose fan base is largely built around her ability to connect and relate, will she be able to maintain this intimate connection as her life looks significantly different from most of the people she entertains? Perhaps the appeal of the Solar Power era will be more in the preview of the growing security of your mid-late twenties. Perhaps none of the differences of her lifestyle and her fan base will matter, because she will continue doing what she does best, stripping memories down to their universal truths, and feeding them back to a slightly younger generation with just a bit of dramatic lighting.

Sources:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lorde

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=88oR5GjjZ6k

https://genius.com/Lorde-royals-lyrics

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/arts-and-entertainment/wp/2013/10/24/5-things-to-know-about-lorde/?utm_term=.1072aea0ec9c

https://www.nytimes.com/2017/04/12/magazine/the-return-of-lorde.html

https://www.thenation.com/article/lorde-grows-up/

#lila danielsen wong

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ohfieryautumn · 3 years

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THESE ARE THE RESULTS ARIADNA PITCHINER / AUTUMN RECEIVED FROM THE 16PERSONALITIES TEST, WHICH CAN BE FOUND HERE AND I ENCOURAGE OTHERS WHO WANT FURTHER INSIGHT AND/OR A CONCISE PERSONALITY DESCRIPTION TO TAKE THIS. IT IS VERY WELL DONE.

PERSONALITY TYPE: ENFJ-A

EXTRAVERTED INTUITIVE FEELING JUDGING-ASSERTIVE ( “The Protagonist”)

[ For more detail, click READ MORE. ]

INTRODUCTION

Firm Believers in the People

...The Struggle Ought Not to Deter Us From the Support of a Cause We Believe to Be Just

Protagonists are genuine, caring people who talk the talk and walk the walk, and nothing makes them happier than leading the charge, uniting and motivating their team with infectious enthusiasm.

STRENGTH & WEAKNESSES

Protagonist Strengths

Reliable – The one thing that galls Protagonists the most is the idea of letting down a person or cause they believe in. If it’s possible, Protagonists can always be counted on to see it through.

Protagonist Weaknesses

ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS

I’m a Slow Walker, but I Never Walk Back

Even in the dating phase, people with the Protagonist personality type are ready to show their commitment by taking the time and effort to establish themselves as dependable, trustworthy partners.

You Cannot Escape the Responsibility of Tomorrow by Evading It Today

FRIENDSHIPS

All My Life I Have Tried to Pluck a Thistle and Plant a Flower Wherever the Flower Would Grow...

We Should Be Too Big to Take Offense, and Too Noble to Give It

PARENTHOOD

Protagonist parents will encourage their children to explore and grow, recognizing and appreciating the individuality of the people they bring into this world and help to raise.

Whatever You Are, Be a Good One

CAREER PATHS

Don’t Worry When You Are Not Recognized, but Strive to Be Worthy of Recognition

Always Bear in Mind That Your Own Resolution to Succeed Is More Important Than Any Other

At the heart of it, Protagonists need to see how the story ends, to feel and experience the gratitude and appreciation of the people they’ve helped in order to be happy.

WORKPLACE HABITS

Protagonist Subordinates

Protagonist Colleagues

Protagonist Managers

CONCLUSION

#|| autumn knows a mother's heart; it gives & then lets go || { about autumn }#|| she carries light in her smile & love in her bones || { about ariadna pitchiner }#|| out of colors || { ooc }

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mrmallard · 3 years

Text

Identity Stuff 2: Return of the Stuff

Not directly related to my prolonged freakout and breakdown a week or two ago, but is directly related to a post made a couple weeks before that. If you saw the post, you saw the post.

Heavy topics abound in this post, mostly relating to identity and the like, but also stuff about bullying. Mostly just me talking about myself rather than leveling serious philosophical concepts at you.

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A couple weeks ago - or some time in the past 2 months, I don't remember - I made a post revealing that I was questioning my gender.

I'm not ashamed of exploring that, but I have come to the conclusion that I had been too hasty in revealing myself - and I believe that I revealed myself for all the wrong reasons.

I did it during a time that I felt particularly alienated from my friend group, and I think I did it for validation during a time when I was seriously unhappy and seeking some positive input. We all know how that situation worked out in the end - it was a stressful time, and I was reaching out for support. My thoughts regarding my gender identity got caught up in the crossfire.

I want to apologize for that. It was wrong of me to make those claims with that mindset.

I didn't lie in that post, though. I've been experimenting with femme presentation, to the point of buying clothes and make-up. I see my reflection sometimes, and I see a shy, insecure girl, and my eyes well up. I want to bundle up in sweaters and feel my hair cup my face like Velma Dinkley, and I want to be loved and validated as that girl. I haven't been sure how to address it to others, but my mixed feelings regarding my gender identity are very real.

Another negative to revealing myself in the way I did is that I rushed into it, and I didn't give those claims enough breathing room or nuance. I rushed it out the door in a time of crisis, and I don't think I properly elaborated on how I felt. I think I needed to calm down, get to the heart of the matter and build outwards. I was not in a state to do that.

The good news is that upon this reflection, I began to think about my identity more thoroughly. And I've come to terms with some of the things relating to my identity, gender-related or not.

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I was bullied. You can probably tell - I'm always second-guessing myself and asking for input and guidance because I've been made to feel like a failure for so much of my life. I'm nearly 8 years out of high school, and the scars I have from an entire school-life of bullying are still there.

My main concern is that by being deprived of the social interaction and practice I already sorely needed, I developed in a way that robbed me of a personality.

I had friends at points, but they all left eventually. Some physically left my school, others turned on me and joined other groups. Some people just didn't want to hang out any more. And I'm worried that I was so maladjusted that the way I was passionate about things and any interests we shared were overwhelming to them, and I feel like I had blinders on at points and would extoll the virtues of one singular thing, and that would damage my relationships if they weren't as into it as I was.

So I guess it's not accurate to say I didn't have a personality - I just don't think I learned how to assimilate, or I never learned how to express myself properly. Eventually I gave in to snobbery, which gave me a lot of opinions but no legs to stand on, and that's also done lasting damage to my personality.

I think sometimes about how I might have turned out if I had been in a supportive friend group during school, or if I just wasn't bullied as much and able to be a kid without all the weight of people hating me on my shoulders. And the worst part about that is that I'm never going to get an answer. I can try and figure out why kids hurt me and made fun of me for eleven years of my life, but I just don't know and I'm never going to know.

What I've come to understand is that the people who bullied me as children either didn't understand the scope of their actions, or they did and they didn't care until it was too late - and I don't necessarily think most of them understood the consequences of ostracizing another developing person to such a degree. Later teenagers are scum though, and there are people who I'll never forget. But my issues go back so much farther than high school.

Some of them were little shits who lashed out at me because I was an acceptable target and it made them feel better, but others were more methodical in how they abused me and others just joined in because that was the fashion. And now that we're all adults and moving on with our lives, whatever reason they had for doing that is going to be lost to time.

I'm a 25 year old man asking children from 20 years ago why they hurt me to such a degree that I'm still suffering - and you can't get a satisfactory answer from children, especially ones that live that far in the past.

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So any crisis of identity I go through is informed by that past. I was othered - I was made to feel isolated, alienated and alone. So I think it's natural that I sympathized with queer culture. It took a while, the 2000's were a homophobic time and I had to unlearn a lot of shit, and I had a lot of false starts and difficulties moving forward. But I came around in time, partially because I understood I was queer from an early-ish age.

There's a whole checkered past I could go into about sexualising myself on the internet, but I don't want to get that heavy in this post. What I will say is that my first queer experience happened when I was 14 - I had been thinking about it and coming to terms with my feelings from 13 onwards, and something happened when I was 12 that makes a lot more sense now than it did back then, but 14 is the age where I had my first queer experience. From there, I ran amok - I wanted to be this, I wanted to do that. A lot of what I felt was tied to a lot of inappropriate sexualisation, but I felt liberated and free.

I came to terms with my bisexuality - to this day, I think I'm heteroromantic and bisexual, though if I were a woman I think I would be homoromantic and bisexual. I wanted to present as femme, I wanted to be validated as a girl and I felt a disconnect between what masculinity expected of me and how I really was.

At some point - I think after my mum's latest partner came into the picture, who I have a lot of friction with - I blunted myself and hid that side away from everything. I was still putting out feelers, but I very much hardened myself and tried to "fly straight" to avoid detection. But that disconnect between myself and masculinity has always been there.

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I think the urge to experiment came back around 2017 or 2018. I can't remember exactly what happened - but I ended up on Wish to see what was up, and I found a bunch of woman's clothes, and it just lit a fire in me. I went on a spree, favoriting anything that looked cute or hot and was in my size.

Looking back, I don't know whether I heard Bubblegum Bitch by Marina and the Diamonds before I found Wish, or if I heard it after I found Wish. But Bubblegum Bitch very much summed up the vibe I was going for. That and Am I A Girl? by Poppy were kind of my gender experimentation anthems, lol.

And that's when I took these pictures:

Simpler times. I tried to wear the same lipstick recently, but I felt really fat and gross in comparison. I adore these pictures because it just clicked into place so well, and I'm so happy to be there in the moment wearing lipstick, y'know. It reminds me of gender euphoria. Number 2 and 3 are my favorite ones.

I won't post any of the clothes I got, because frankly they're pretty nasty and I don't want to expose myself like that on this blog. But it just felt so nice to wear what I was wearing, even if I felt awkward and unwieldy in it.

But lately, I have been reclaiming a sense of masculinity - all this stuff with redhead girl had me flying straight again, trying to find the strength and confidence I needed to be a serious prospect for her. But that's over now, and I came to the conclusion after she let me down easy that I wanted to reveal my queerness to her. I wanted her to be my confidant.

Of course, I've made a mess of that relationship - so that won't be happening. But I think I'm ready to open up and drop hints about my bisexuality, and whoever hears it, hears it. Since last week, I've decided to be authentically myself - whoever hates that can go to hell, I'll sort the chaff from the wheat. I'm taking back my life.

And a part of that has been trying to get a handle on my queerness again.

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When I was suffering before my big meltdown, one way I coped with how I felt was reading the Dysphoria Bible. It's a living document that details the different expressions of gender dysphoria, and how they might relate to you as a person.

I think I related the most to societal dysphoria, and I don't think I experience physical dysphoria that much in a trans sense. I related aspects of physical dysphoria to my weight, but I think if push came to shove, I could live with the body I was born with without surgical intervention. I think that makes me privileged over gender questioning people who need to alter their genitals to match their gender - that's a hard process to have to go through.

And ultimately, I came to realise the gender dichotomy within me. I'm not masculine in the traditional sense, and I'd say I skirt closer to femininity - but there are aspects of masculinity that I don't mind idealistically, and I think I can look the part. Even if it's cosplay, I've come to terms with a masculine side. I like how I look in a more masculine context, and there are masculine ideals that don't make me feel ostracized, weird or left out.

But I also feel a feminine side, and it's pretty strong. It might sound weird, but I relate a lot to sapphic expressions of love compared to other expressions of love. I adore how I look when I look more feminine or androgynous than male. I'm gentle, I'm a bit awkward, and I click with women more than I do with men.

There's something about the female experience - or what I perceive to be the female experience - that feels more inherently true to me. I understand that my knowledge of femininity is shaped by prejudice and stereotypes/tropes, and that's further filtered through my experience as an AMAB individual who hasn't had to deal with the same sexism as women, or with periods, or any of that stuff.

But I feel at home within the bounds of what I know to be femininity. The peace and acceptance I've felt within the bounds of femininity has always been so plentiful and fulfilling compared to how I feel within the bounds of masculinity.

---

So, I've been thinking.

Maybe I skew more feminine. Maybe the aspects of masculinity I like aren't that flash, and in time I might like to present as more femme.

But I don't think I'm wholly divorced from masculinity either. Whether I ever will be is up in the air.

So I think for the time being... I see myself as genderfluid.

I was looking at non-binary, but I don't think my identity lies outside of the binary. I think it's within the gender binary - just spread across both options. Sometimes I have masc days, sometimes I have femme days. So genderfluid seems like the right way to go.

I don't think I'm ready to be open about the more femme aspects of my identity, and he/him pronouns don't really bother me. But my birthname does. I always thought I'd grow to love it, maybe when it's used by a loved one behind closed doors. Maybe I just need the right person to say it just right. But I just don't like it. That's why I go by a nickname in real life, and why I hide behind an alias online and avoid Facebook.

Even if my alias is gendered, I don't think I'm aligned with my alias. It's a front. It's who you know me as, the same way I know you through your alias. And I don't think I'll be changing it to mxmallard any time soon - no hate to neopronoun users, it just doesn't gel with me.

So... that's what I have to say about my identity at the moment. It's liable to change in the future, but this is how I feel right now.

As a thank you for reading, have some gender affirming picrews I've been doing lately:

#personal #long post

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