hey shay! what do you think about steve and sam betting that bucky cannot date the newest avenger for like two months without falling in love with her. and, of course, he accepts, and asks her out, all in the hopes of winning.

(plot twist: he is a dumbass and a fucking simp because he falls hella hard in like the first month. she’s basically his soulmate and his dream girl. absolutely perfect. he dreams of their marriage and children and cannot wait to make it a reality. and steve and sam are beyond happy for him, and the three decide never to speak of the bet ever again.)

but fast forward to their first anniversary together, and she finds out that the only reason why bucky ever paid any attention to her, and asked her out, was because of the bet. and it leaves her absolutely heartbroken and destroyed, to the point that she debates asking for a transfer. because of course the only way the legendary sergeant james buchanan barnes would ever notice her is because of a bet. pfft! how big of an idiot she is!

(and we see bucky do some seriously grovel. because he cannot lose the love of his life. his baby. his everything. his sunshine in the dark. the reason for his existence.)

maybe steve and sam join in to help him? because they adore her as well, and they know how much bucky needs her.

YESSSS YES YESSSSS. I am here for the angst and the fluff, I love this because we all love a break up make up situation.

"100 bucks"

"No"

"Okay, 150"

"Why are we doing this"

"200"

"...why"

"Because we know for a fact, there's no way you'd be able to date the new recruit for two full months-

"-without falling in love, you can't actually fall for her"

Sam and Steve looked at Bucky intently while the soldier cocked an eyebrow, the three of them lounging in the common room after a morning briefing to meet their newest team mate.

"You're both willing to pay me $200 just to date y/n without falling in love?" Bucky deadpanned staring at his two best friends, both with matching shit eating grins.

"What's wrong Barnes, scared you'll get your wittle heart broken?" Sam egged him on only to be met with a cocky smirk from the brunette.

"That's not a problem because I don't date" Bucky shrugged, happy to win easy money if all he had to do was ask the new girl out and date her for a bit without actually catching feelings.

He was never really the relationship type; the charm he used to have in the 40's was slowly making its way back and it was perfect for when he needed a quick fix. Long term was never his thing and he wasn't about to start now but he also wasn't going to turn down a bet when his friends seemed so keen.

Besides, his pride was on the line and it was only two months.

"So let me get this straight. I date her for 2 months-"

"No falling in love with y/n"

"-no falling in love and you pay me?"

Sam and Steve nodded while Bucky got up, shaking their hands to seal the deal. He already mapped out a plan to ask the new girl out, mentally deciding on an easy break up speech for when the inventible comes.

"Two months white panther"

"Wolf"

"Two months"

"Easy"

****

Bucky knew he was screwed after the first date. Just the first date. When he first asked her out, she gave him a shy giggle and he knew he wanted to hear that sound again. And again. And again. She gave him a little nod, shuffling on her feet and for a moment, Bucky regained his confidence. There was no way he'd have anything in common with someone so shy and quiet, winning the best was going to be a breeze.

Until she came down in a sun dress, ready to go out for for their date and she smelled like peaches and cream and there was that fucking giggle again when he got ice cream on his nose when they shared a sundae. Her hands were so soft when she swiped her thumb over his little mess, cleaning him off with a tissue while he blinked.

"You're so adorable, sarge" She gave him a bashful smile and his cheeks couldn't have possibly blushed more, his heart beating strangely fast. He wasn't really too sure what to do, usually it was him making girls turn into puddles of shy messes but her he was, more tongue tied that ever.

He wasn't sure what it was.

Maybe it was the fact that she asked him about the 40's, something he rarely got to talk about. Maybe it was the way she listened to him intently while he got lost in his memories, recalling happier times, the both of them laughing over stories about scrawny Steve before the serum. He'd been on plenty of dates before but none of them were like this.

(It didn't matter though, his main goal never left his sight...not really)

He asked her out again and he immediately put his hand to his stomach when she showed up in her workout clothes since he'd offered to train with her before their scheduled date. He'd fully intended to take control over the situation, gain the upper hand again by making her all sweet and shy with his subtle touches but nope.

Here he was with butterflies dancing madly around his tummy when she smiled brightly as soon as she walked through the gym doors; his train of thought long gone when as she dropped her towel beside his. He flipped her with ease, her much smaller form blinking up at him as he caged her under him. He didn't even have it in him to throw her a wink or a flirty smirk, giving her soft puppy eyes instead and helping her to her feet.

To his own surprise, he didn't even try to make a move to get her in bed.

He couldn't.

Not when he was genuinely enjoying conversation with her. Not when she looked at him with such trust and care not to break her heart. Not after she'd confided in him that she felt safe with him after about a month of dating. Bucky's mind, which was usually filled with filth and fucking was now filled with thoughts of her in a pretty white dress, walking down the aisle, ready to say I do. He thought about how adorable their babies would look, how beautiful she'd look pregnant, she was his dream girl, how he couldn't wait for the day it'd all really happen, he was falling in love for the first time in his life-

He. Was. Screwed.

****

"M'gonna marry her"

"What"

"What?" Bucky blinked back at his friends with wide eyes, not realizing he'd said that out loud; the three of them sitting around the living room again since you had gone out for a girls night with Nat and Wanda.

"Come again, what was that?" Sam grinned, sitting up straighter from where he'd been sprawled out on the floor while Steve nudged Bucky with his shoulder.

"Nothing" Bucky mumbled but the blush on his cheeks spread up to his ears.

"AWWWW" Sam howled while Bucky buried his face in his hands, "BUCKY HAS A CRUSH"

"You like her, huh punk" Steve grinned, not needing verbal confirmation from his best friend; both him and Sam saw the way Bucky started falling for you from day 1, not standing a chance of winning their bet.

"I do" Bucky smiled shyly, not bothering with a snarky retort, not when he'd fallen so hard for you the second he heard your laugh. No one bothered to bring up the bet again, the entire thing long forgotten. Sam and Steve couldn't have been happier when they saw Bucky's eyes light up every time he looked at you. You'd tumbled into the living room along with Nat and Wanda behind you, giggling and falling into the soldiers lap, nuzzling into him like a kitten between tipsy kisses.

Sam could've sworn he saw Steve flick away a tear, the both of them watching Bucky grin like a little kid with the biggest crush, melting into a puddle instantly with you in his arms.

"Hey Sarge" You gave him a hazy smile, sighing contently when he kissed your forehead and scooped you right up, holding you to his chest. "Missed you"

"Let's get you to bed babygirl" Bucky whispered, carefully taking care of you, changing you into one of his Henley's and completing your skin care routine since you couldn't in your drunken state. He kissed you good night, pulling the covers up and holding you close to him the entire night.

Nothing compared to the soft puppy he became whenever you were near him and it wasn't exactly a well kept secret. No one failed to notice the way he was head over heels in love with you. With each passing day Bucky loved you more, doing everything in his power to keep you happy, to protect you with his entire heart, there's was no way, absolutely no way, he'd every do anything to hurt you or lose you.

Ever.

One Year Later

You stretched, blinking at the sun that peeked through the curtains, feeling extra warm, cuddled up with you boyfriend who was the human form of a furnace. You were in no hurry to get out of bed, burying your face into his bare chest instead, breathing in his scent, humming contently when his thick arms wrapped you impossibly closer.

"Happy anniversary my love" Bucky whispered, his eyes still closed, pressing a kiss to the top of your head. He couldn't believe a full year had gone by since you'd stolen his heart. A full year filled with kisses and giggles and softness. There wasn't a day that had gone by where Bucky wasn't a complete simp for you (he'd picked out a wedding ring within month three and had it hidden somewhere in his room by month 6).

"Happy anniversary handsome" You kissed his chest where his heart beat steadily, giggling when he pinned you under him, attacking you with a flurry of feathery light kisses, "Bucky stop!" You squealed with laugher as he wrapped you tightly and let his scruffy cheeks tickle your shoulders, the both of you tangled in his sheets, having a lazy morning.

"I love you" He whispered into your hair, sneakily slipping his hands up your over sized shirt, his cool metal fingers stroking down your spine making you shiver. "So much, bella"

"I love you, Jamie" Your cheeks heated up and the sweet name he had just for you, only reluctantly getting out of bed after Nat had practically dragged you out of bed to go shopping. You didn't want to do anything but cuddle with Bucky all day but the red head didn't care, happily evading your privacy to barge into the room and whisk you away, throwing back a wink when Bucky mouthed a silent thank you.

Bucky had planned out the perfect anniversary, something he'd thought out for weeks. The compound would be empty so it would just be the two of you; he'd cook dinner himself, have some songs playing from the 40's with a juke box he'd managed to get his hands on and spent the entire night letting you know how deeply in love he was with you. He didn't care how cheesy it was, buying out an entire florist shop to cover the room and terrace with your favorite flowers, having some suspended from the high ceilings along with petals strewn on the floor.

He'd pull out all the rom com stops for you, giving everyone a task to keep you busy so he could set up for the night. Nat had been tasked with keeping you away until evening, only bringing you back in time for dinner. Sam and Steve spent the whole day hanging and putting up flowers, lighting candles and listening to Bucky ramble about how much he adored you. Tony worked on lighting and sound, tinkering with the music and setting it up outside.

To say you were surprised was an understatement. Nat had blind folded you as soon as you got back and instructed you to put on the dress that had been laid out in your room. You had no idea what she was talking about until you found a floor length gown along with a note sitting on top of your bed.

See you at 8 tonight my bella

Happy 1 year Anniversary,

Yours forever,

JBB x

You didn't waste a second, hopping into the shower, doing your makeup and spraying on your perfume that you knew he loved so much. You slipped the dress on along with some heels before making your way down to the now dimmed lights, the soft glow of candles warming the room.

You gasped as soon as your eyes landed on Bucky, standing head to toe in all black, a dashing smile on his face. He strode over to you, cupping your cheeks in his hands, pecking your lips sweetly, the scent of his cologne already making you woozy.

"You did all this for me?" You blinked back tears, his thumbs swiping them away .

"Anything for you doll" Bucky whispered, pulling you in for another kiss before leading you to the garden; a trail of rose petals covering the floor to the back terrace. Fairly lights twinkled, mixed in with the tiny stars that dotted the night sky; you didn't bother with sitting in your own seat, sitting in Bucky's lap instead while your both sipped on champagne.

It didn't take long for him to swoop you off your feet so he could sway with you instead, music playing softly in the background while he whispered sweet nothings, only sitting down again so he could feed you the dessert he'd spend the whole afternoon making for you.

"I can't believe you did all this for me Bucky" You said sincerely, holding his face in your hands, gazing into his soft blue eyes, "You're perfect my Jamie"

"You're my perfect gift doll"

"Oh! I have to get you your gift!" You realized you'd left it in your room between a spoon of chocolate cake Bucky was feeding you, hopping up from his lap to get it. You scurried off to your room, giddy over the present you'd put together for Bucky, the whole gift taking months of planning to get everything to come in time. You rummaged through your closet, grabbing the carefully wrapped box and returning to the hall, excited to see his face when he opened his present.

You passed by Steve's room stopping dead in your tracks at the words you heard, your feet suddenly unable to move.

"Can you believe this all started over betting he'd never fall for y/n?" Sam snorted, sitting on the couch in Steve's room, the both of them munching on the scraps of chocolate cake and sipping on beer while watching a movie.

"All over 200 bucks, remember he was so sure of himself"

You felt like you'd swallowed cotton, your mouth dry, finding it difficult to swallow. You wanted to turn back time, wishing you'd never heard that conversation, or maybe it was all a misunderstanding, Bucky would never do that, not your Bucky.

"Didn't you tell him he'd only have to date her for 2 months?"

"2 months and 200 dollars, terminator shook on it"

"He even had a break up speech ready"

You gripped tightly onto the present, dashing away from the room, unable to bear more of the conversation. Your heart was hammering out of your chest as you shakily made your way back to Bucky, it just couldn't be true.

Could it?

Did he really only ask you out because his friends made a bet with him?

Bucky smiled when he saw you return, opening his arms for you to slink onto his lap again. His smile disappeared when you kept your eyes down, fumbling with the gift in your hand, staying rooted in place in front of him instead of cuddling up with him like you always did.

"Baby? Is everything okay?" Bucky got up from his seat, carefully making his way over to you. He tipped your face up, surprised to find your eyes wet with unshed tears, the corners of your lips quivering with how hard you were trying to keep from crying.

"You-you promise you'll be honest with me?" You tried to keep your voice from cracking, afraid everything you'd imagined with Bucky would come crashing down if what you heard was true.

"Of course" Bucky felt his heart race seeing your glassy eyes and broken expression, what could have possibly happened in the few seconds you were gone "Bella, what's wrong"

"Did you only ask me out because of a bet?" You tried to keep from sniffling, your heart breaking at the guilt that immediately spread across Bucky's face.

"Doll, I-

"So it's true?" You whimpered, stepping away from the man you loved so much, feeling a whirlwind of emotions, the gift you clutched onto slipping from your grip and onto the floor, "It was just a bet with Sam and Steve?"

"Baby, please let me explain-" Bucky wanted nothing more than to reach out and wipe away the tears he caused, his own streaming down his cheeks when you moved further away from him.

"Please don't" You shook your head, wrapping your arms around yourself, not wanting to feel his touch you knew you'd instantly melt into. "Just don't James"

Bucky was ready to drop to his knees and beg for forgiveness, beg for you to call him all the sweet names reserved just for him but you dashed back into the compound, slapping your hand over your mouth to muffle your sobs.

"Sweetheart wait, please don't go, just let me explain baby, I love you so much" Bucky trailed after you, quickly swiping his dampened cheeks, catching you in the elevator just before it closed. "Y/n, I love you doll, I'm sorry, it started that way but-

"It's not your fault" You quickly wiped away the new wave of tears that stung your eyes, desperately pushing the button to take you to your room faster, "I-I should've known you wouldn't have been into me in the first place"

"Y/n, that's not true sweetheart, don't say that baby, please"

"I thought you really liked me, I-I didn't know someone had to pay you to date me"

You felt stupid, ridiculous, ashamed, how did you ever think someone like Bucky, the handsome ladies man from day one, would suddenly be into you, some random new trainee turned avenger. You weren't special, nothing about you stood out from others, there was no reason for him to give you attention.

It all made sense now, your heart splitting into two, biting hard on your lip to keep your cries down, you couldn't believe how stupid you'd been to think he actually liked you from the start.

"No baby, you had me from day one-"

"P-please don't l-lie to m-me" You hiccupped, making a bee line straight to you room as soon as the elevator doors opened, not looking back once. You locked your door before Bucky could catch up, ignoring his persistent soft knocks, begging for you to give him a chance to explain.

"Y/n, bella, please, open the door sweetheart, I love you, I promise truly love you so much, I'm so sorry baby, I need to talk to you, please" Bucky sniffled, his forehead pressed to your door in defeat, now letting the tears fall freely. He stayed rooted in place, slumping down with his head between his knees, running his hands through his short locks in frustration. The only thing he cared about was making you happy and he was the one who screwed it up.

You clutched onto your sheets, trembling as sobs wracked your body, thinking back to all the moments you thought were so sweet, moments where you thought you were both falling in love, now realizing they were nothing more than a ploy to get $200.

You remembered your first date, thinking about how cute Bucky looked with a tiny dollop of ice cream on his perfect nose, how nervous you were to swipe it off, your heart racing when you told him he looked adorable. It took every fiber of your very being to muster the courage to do that but it had meant nothing to him.

You had been stupid to think he liked you too when he asked you out again; you remembered the way your entire body felt like it had been lit on fire when he had you pinned you under him, growing bashfully shy when he helped you up onto your feet, everything a part of his plan to eventually dump you.

You felt ridiculous. You were not gorgeous like Natasha or enhanced like Wanda. What made you think the very Sergeant James Barnes would have his eye on you of all people.

You should have known.

-

"Do you hear that?" Steve paused the movie, hearing a muffled cry from the corridor, his brows furrowing at the sniffles that followed. Sam nodded with a frown, both men getting up and peering into the hallway, surprised to find the super soldier sitting against your door, eyes and nose red from crying.

"Bucky?" Steve was by his best friends side in an instant, kneeling before him, helping him up to onto his feet.

"What happened, where's y/n" Sam blinking hearing crying from inside your room, his stomach churning when Bucky shrugged, chewing on his trembling lip to keep from breaking down again. Bucky let Steve lead him into his room, sitting on the edge of the bed, gripping onto the sheets till they nearly tore.

"What the hell happened Buck"

"She found out bout the bet" Bucky whispered, fresh tears streaming down his face when he remembered how defeated you looked with betrayal. "She knows I asked her out because of it"

"Fuck" Sam hissed while Steve ran a hand over his face. They felt equally responsible for hurting you for having suggested the bet in the first place, also piecing together you must have over heard them when they were talking earlier. Steve was sick with guilt while Sam also slumped onto the couch, all three men feeling awful for hurting you.

"Did you talk to her?"

"She doesn't want to even look at me" Bucky shook his head before burying his face in his hands again, unable to stop from crying; there was a good chance he lost you forever and it was his fault.

"Just-just give her some time" Steve threw an arm over Bucky, while mentally hitting himself for being part of the mess, hoping you'd forgive his best friend who was deeply and utterly in love with you.

-

You woke up with a throbbing headache, staying in bed for longer than usual. You felt more embarrassed than the night before realizing others must have known the true nature of your relationship with Bucky. Not only did Bucky not really like you in the first place but he'd only even looked your way because he was sure he wouldn't fall for you.

You kept to yourself for the first few days. You'd managed to wake up earlier than everyone else so you could eat breakfast and train alone, only to eat dinner extra late after everyone had gone to sleep. It wasn't difficult given your skill set; you slinked about undetected, evading the other avengers every time they knocked on your door to check on you.

Bucky tried to find you every single day, spending each night falling asleep by your door, ignoring the worsening kink in his neck, hoping he'd get get to see you just once, one time so he could at least apologize to you properly.

Two full weeks had gone by and you some how only felt worse. You hated hearing Bucky cry when you walked by his room but then you'd remember what he did and you couldn't bring yourself to trust him again.

Bucky was a mess. He missed you more than anything; you were his baby, his soul mate, his beautiful sweet bella. He would've given anything just to see you walk down the hall way, anything to hear your voice even if it was you telling him off like he deserved. He wanted you to yell and scream at him, tell him what at ass hole he was, that he was the biggest jerk on the planet, that you hated him, he'd listen to it like it was music if he just got to see you again.

He got his hopes up when a new mission came up requiring all hands on deck; Tony called for a sudden meeting with the full team which meant everyone had to be there. Bucky ran off to the showers within seconds, scrubbing himself with body wash he knew you loved so much before throwing on a tight black t-shirt and jeans that made you all shy and giggly. He knew he was playing dirty, leaving the scuff on his face before spraying on a dash of cologne.

He had to look his best, even if it meant you'd throw your cute little kitten mug at his head. He nervously ran to the conference room, eyes flicking to each individual, his heart dropping when he didn't see you there.

"Damn Barnes" Tony whistled while Steve smiled sadly knowing his bestfriend was hoping to see you. "Who'd you clean up for"

"Where's y/n" Bucky's eyes were pleading with everyone, hoping someone would say you were just running late or that you weren't taking part in the mission.

"She's....she's at the head office" Tony sighed, "She wants a transfer"

"Damn it" Sam had now sat up while Bucky left the room with Steve following behind him. "He needs her, he really loves her"

"I-I can't lose her" Bucky sobbed, shaking his head, clutching onto the card you had given him on your anniversary. He'd read every word 100 times over, memorizing it to heart, careful not to crush the paper as he pressed it to his chest. "She's everything to me"

"Look, it's out fault too. We're the ones who suggested the stupid thing, we'll get her back" Steve gave him a reassuring squeeze and Sam nodded.

"I feel like shit man, the whole thing was meant to be a dumb joke, we love her too, we're not just gonna let her leave like this, not our y/n, okay? That's our girl"

"C'mon, lets go get your girl back, punk"

-

You frowned as you entered through the main doors of the compound, finding it unusually quiet when everyone should have been at home since they'd just gotten back from their mission. You felt conflicted after your meeting with Fury and Agent Hill, both of them asking you to reconsider your request to transfer. You told them you'd think about it but you were certain over your decision.

You couldn't face the team any more and your were too embarrassed to look at Bucky again. You didn't mind working in the office and starting over, figuring that would be the best way to mend your heart.

You made your way up to your room, a little red envelope sitting on your pillow catching your attention. You were wary as you opened it, your breath catching in your throat as you recognized the handwriting.

To my first and only love,

I don't deserve someone as sweet as you, but I can't bear the thought of you thinking I don't love you with my entire being. I know I don't deserve a second chance, but I need you to know it was always real.

Always.

I've kept it will hidden but it's time for you to see. It's in my favorite hiding spot for your eyes only.

With all the hugs and kisses in the worlds,

JBB

You knew exactly what spot Bucky was referring to, thinking back to the early days of when you were dating. On more than one occasion, Bucky had grabbed you into his closet, shutting the door when he wanted a few extra moments of privacy before a mission, showering you with 100's of kisses before eventually getting caught and dragged down to the hangar with a bashful grin on his face.

You reluctantly made your way to his room, letting out the breath you were holding when he wasn't inside. The scent of him alone already caused you to feel butterflies but you ignored them as you looked in the closet, finding a shoe box with another red envelope sitting on top for you to read.

To my sweet bella,

You had my heart from day one. You were never supposed to see any of this but you have to know. It's always been you.

Forever and only yours,

JBB

You sat on the floor of the closet as you carefully opened the box, inspecting its contents. Inside was an old, weathering diary with a receipt stuffed in the middle as a bookmark. You opened the page that was marked, surprised to find the receipt from the ice cream place you where you had your first date, the date of the entry a few days before he asked you out.

A new team mate has joined the group. Her name is y/n, y/l/n. She specializes in hand to hand combat and is a trained spy. Tony introduced us to everyone today. I wouldn't mind being her friend but I hope she isn't afraid of me, maybe she's just shy.

The next entry was from the day Sam and Steve made the bet

I doubt I'll forget this but I'm writing it down anyway. 2 months for 200 dollars. Seems stupid but what's the worst that could happen, it's not like she'd actually fall for me anyway.

Then there was the entry after your first date.

She's probably one of the sweetest people I've ever met; I don't want to forget this day, bet or not. She wore a sun dress and she laughed at all my jokes. She called me adorable. Her hands felt so soft. I'm sure its in her nature to be so kind but I wish it was just for me. Maybe I'll ask her out again.

A few days later.

I swear I'm falling in love with her more and more each day and she doesn't even have a clue. I don't know how to show her she's special to me, you'd think I'd be better at this. I hope one day she feels the same way.

And then

I love her. So much. Ma would have loved her. I hope one day she says yes.

You let out a wet laugh at the entries became sappier, each one detailing how hard he was falling for you, all the little details of your dates filling the pages, your heart breaking when you realized he wrote as much as he could remember so he'd never forget. He didn't mention the bet in any of the pages because he'd forgotten about it completely, fully focused on making you officially his.

The diary was sacred to him, a private place where he recounted his most precious memories, the one thing he'd never share with anyone but he decided to share it with you because you had to know. It was one of the few places he poured his heart and soul into with no filter, some of his darkest memories scrawled onto the pages but after he'd met you, it changed. Page after page filled with nothing but sweetness, pure and untainted love. You wiped the tears away, carefully placing the diary back in its proper hiding spot before making your way downstairs hoping to find him.

You found a trail of petals that hadn't been there earlier leading to the living room, walking to a very remorseful looking Sam, Steve and of course Bucky, all three men clutching onto teddy bears along with a blanket fort hoisted up in front of the large TV screen.

"What-what is all this?" You whispered, hesitantly walking towards them with Sam stepping forward first, wrapping you up in a bone crushing hug.

"We're really sorry sweetheart" Sam murmured into your hair, hugging you tightly against him, "we never wanted to hurt you, we love you baby, truly"

"You're special to us darling" Steve came over next, pressing a firm kiss to your head, his large arms holding you in a comforting embrace, "We're idiots, you didn't deserve that, don't leave because of us sweetheart, it's not the same without you"

"It's-its okay"

"It's not, we know it isn't but just know we really do love you, okay? Especially him" Steve whispered the last part with a small smile, looking over to his best friend who was anxiously shuffling on his feet, clutching the largest bear in his hands.

You hugged onto the two little teddies from Sam and Steve, kissing their cheeks before they quietly left you and Bucky alone for some privacy. You set them down on the sofa, suddenly feeling nervous when it was just you and Bucky, anxiety and embarrassment attempting to claw its way back up again.

"I'm so sorry bella" Bucky hesitantly reached out for you, scared you'd pull away, relief flooding his body when you allowed him to pull you in for a hug. "My pretty girl, m'so sorry, I didn't mean for it to happen baby"

"You-you really liked me after?" you felt silly for asking such a thing but you couldn't help it, you had to know, your soft doe eyes pleading with him to be honest with you, "You don't have to lie Bucky, it's okay if you didn't-

"You're breakin' my heart babygirl, of course I did. Of course I liked you sweets, I fell hard and fast for you, it would've happened with or without that stupid bed. I wouldn't have been able to resist that smile or that laugh, nothing would've kept me away from you"

Bucky scooped you into his arms and sat you down on his lap and he settled under the blanket fort, keeping you straddled on him while his hands wrapped around your waist.

"Believe me when I say you're the only girl I've ever fallen for, the only one I've ever wanted. I never ever wanted to hurt you baby and I'll spend the rest of my life making sure you never cry again, if you'd have me. I hate seeing you cry sweets, especially because of me. I just want to love you baby, please?"

His voice cracked at the end, bottom lip quivering as he nervously traced his thumbs along your hips. What if he lost you forever, he wouldn't know what to do with himself, not when he adored you so much.

"I love you y/n, you're my dream girl, my everything, no one else comes even close-"

You cut off his rambling, smashing your lips against his, a soft sob slipping past his lips between kisses as he desperately clung onto you.

"Do-do you forgive me?" Bucky sniffled, breathing out a sigh of relief when you pressed your forehead against his, nodding and slinging your arms around his shoulders. "Please say it angel, I-fuck-I'm so sorry, I missed you so much"

"I forgive you" you whispered, squeaking when Bucky pulled you to cuddle into the pile of pillows and blankets he'd laid out, wanting nothing more than to kiss and cuddle you between cute cheesy rom coms you loved so much. He smiled at the giggles you let out as he attacked you with unrelenting kisses again, breathing in your scent and feeling your body finally wrapped up with his again.

"I missed you so much angel"

"Missed you to Jamie" You kissed his nose, caressing his face as he nuzzled into the crook of your neck, knowing Sam and Steve were probably creeping from some corner. "I love you"

"Love you more bella" Bucky smiled, letting you pick a movie, pulling a fluffy blanket up to cover you both. "Loved you from day one"

My School President Episode 5: Ah, youth...

This show gets better every episode. So full disclosure: I love love LOVE musicals, and I did not expect this to actually be a musical, so when it was essentially cemented this episode with the final number that this isn't musical-adjacent, this isn't musical-esque, this is TOTALLY an actual musical...besties I ascended. I am 150% in the tank for this show. This week, Chinzhilla (and everybody else) get a dose of reality and retreat to their individual corners to think long and hard about the future, and our secondary couples reveal themselves.

Verse: What dreams may come

Where there is desire, there is gonna be a flame Where there is a flame, someone's bound to get burned But just because it burns doesn't mean you're gonna die You've gotta get up and try, try, try

P!nk | Try (2012)

I said it last ep, but this show is really so much about the importance of working toward your dreams and having somebody in your corner while you do that. This week Chinzhilla's setback isn't caused by any external factor, but by reality invading their little bubble. Attending guidance counseling sessions serves as a harsh reminder that there is an 'after': after Hot Wave, after high school. Adulthood is lurking right around the corner, and with it the realities of earning a living. And while playing in a band with your friends is fun, the reality is for most of these kids it will never pay the rent, as much as they dream of it.

Gun as our protagonist carries the lion's share of the angst here, because he doesn't have a backup plan, this is his only dream, and if it doesn't work out the stakes are much higher for him than for any of the others. His mother insists it's not his job to take care of her, but he sees how hard she works, and how exhausted she is, and how despite all of that she supports his dream, and his guilt is palpable. He can't imagine taking so much from her and not being able, in the end, to give anything back.

Tinn is having his own moments of doubt, questioning whether his dream of being a doctor is really his own or if it's his mother's. In episode 3, when he told Gun he became school president to help people, that wasn't all bullshit. Tinn's love language is clearly acts of service, that shows in everything he does for Gun this ep, including dragging him out of bed and whipping his ass into shape. Helping Gun helps Tinn, it makes him surer that he can give people what they need. And when Gun stumbles, when he breaks down, Tinn knows exactly what he needs then too.

Chorus: I only have eyes for you

Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel Like you're less than fuckin' perfect Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel like you're nothing You're fuckin' perfect to me

P!nk | Fuckin' Perfect (2010)

Tinn is falling deeper in love by the day, and as he and Gun get closer, he gets more and more confident. He was outright flirting this ep, teasing Gun, complimenting him, being his cheerleader and almost his agent in a way. Tinn sees Gun so clearly, he sees his potential, he sees his flaws, he sees his talent, and he sees his weaknesses, he sees when he needs to be praised and when he needs a swift kick in the pants. As long as he's had this crush on Gun, now things are different; he actually KNOWS him now, he knows what drives him, what hurts him, what keeps him up at night. This isn't just a crush anymore, Tinn's falling in love.

Bridge: I'll be there

Right from the start You were a thief, you stole my heart And I, your willing victim I let you see the parts of me, that weren't all that pretty And with every touch you fixed them

P!nk ft. Nate Ruess | Just Give Me A Reason (2012)

And Gun is starting to fall just as hard for Tinn. His breakdown in Tinn's arms and Tinn both comforting him and alerting his mother that he isn't okay touched the soft squishy parts of him. He feels good about Tinn, and Tinn essentially declaring his intention to be with him and checking that he's ok with that allows him to acknowledge and accept that he feels good about Tinn in a romantic way. I love the conversation/interview in the band room and then the follow-on conversation they have lying next to the pool, because Gun is (surprisingly!) shy about liking Tinn, and it allows Tinn to now take the lead in this back-and-forth between them. His gentle teasing and Gun's shy smiles and blushes are a cute reversal of their dynamic, and I can't wait to see how it continues to unfold.

Ad Libs

I was surprisingly touched by Win and Sound, I didn't expect that to be so serious. It makes sense that somebody as diligent as Sound would get under slacker Win's skin and force him to face the fears that keep him from trying as hard as he can to make his dreams happen. The surprising part was how gentle and supportive Sound was with Win and how Win saw and appreciated that. Give me more of these two.

Tiw and Por is an interesting one and a bit left field, but again it's that...not opposites thing, but complementary thing? We've seen that Tiw is the wind beneath Tinn's dating wings; he's confident, he's bold, he's matter of fact, he doesn't mince words or mix matters, and a dose of that was exactly what Por needed.

I loved loved LOVED the closing number, when Ms. Gim starts singing and then the band members join in one by one, leading to them actually performing the song in the band room...fantastic. It's so hard to put a musical on screen in the modern age and make it feel fresh and of the moment instead of some retro holdover, and this show is doing such a good job of it. And next week it looks like there's a big dance number, which is my crack, so bring it on!

Gun's little jealous moment with the girls flirting with Tinn at the cafe was fun.

Tinn bringing back NobiTinn for the little faux interview...adorable. And Gun thought so too...

The way Gun held on to Tinn so tight as he sobbed into his shoulder...I have Feelings.

Ms. Gim is very astute, I think she sees what's happening between Tinn and Gun.

Tinn lying to his mother about his whereabouts is noted. Trouble is brewing over there.

The auntie in me is worried about Gun's back the way he keeps falling on it.

Thess vs A Global Laughingstock

So for those of you who aren't aware, this bloody country is still going around in circles about the Rwanda Bill. Catch-up and updates follow:

What the fuck is the Rwanda Bill? Well, y'see, the current Prime Minister, Rishi Sunak, has decided to really appeal to the racist right-wing asshole voter - the kind of nitwit that voted for Brexit because of "those damned foreigners" - by dealing with "illegal migrants" once and for all. For a definition of "illegal migrants", see also "refugees" - people who are fleeing from their country of origin because their country is unsafe. The UK Nitwit Brigade keep bitching about, "They really should stop in the first safe country they find!" and ignore anyone who explains that people are only willing to pay literal people-smugglers to cross the English Channel in very small unsafe boats for very good reasons - like, they have family here, or can speak the language, or all of the above. The whole problem is that there aren't enough safe legal routes for refugees to take to get here, so they take what they can get. Anyway, the three-word slogan currently dominating the noise from 10 Downing Street is "Stop The Boats", and after discussions about things like "literally shoving the small boats back towards France with fucking gunships, inevitably causing them to capsize and drown in the process" were shut down by "lefty lawyers" who care about human rights and, y'know, not drowning innocent people. So then came the next step: "Deport them all to Rwanda".

Why Rwanda? Fuck only knows. I'm assuming it's to do with an awful lot of money. Though weirdly, we seem to have paid them more than they've paid us.

What's the problem with Rwanda? Well, it's been deemed an unsafe country by the European Commission of Human Rights, to which we still belong - it's not an EU thing, it's a European continent thing. The only two countries in Europe-the-continent that aren't a part of the ECHR are Russia (yes, it's classified by the UN as a European country) and Belarus. Neither of which have ever struck me as all that interested in human rights on the whole, honestly. Anyway, Rwanda's run by a despot, and whatever Sunak meebles about how "It's totally safe now!", the ECHR - and our own Supreme Court - have been calling that bullshit out for awhile.

So your Supreme Court said the Bill is illegal. Why are they still talking about it? Because Sunak, apparently having glommed onto this as the thing that will save his arse at the next general election (coming at the end of this year), is trying to write amendments into this fucking thing that will somehow circumvent any and all human rights law, and somehow ignore any human rights law it can't circumvent (like, all of them). This Bill is full of things like, "Oh, our civil servants will just ignore ECHR law and process things like we tell them to!" and "We'll get 150 new justices to rubber-stamp the deportation papers like good little puppets!" and holy fuck, it's kind of disgusting.

So ... and I realise you've answered half the question, but... How is this making the UK even more of a laughingstock than it already was to begin with? Well. Currently the Conservative party that came up with this bullshit is tearing itself apart. Some want the bill as it is. There's a whole cluster of rebels who want to vote it down because it's "not hardline enough and not punitive enough" when it comes to stripping human rights from refugees (and they're also the ones insisting that we have to leave the ECHR, which is part of the laughingstock thing because I don't think we want to be in the same boat as Russia and Belarus). There are a very few moderates who are actually accepting that this is never going to work and saying "enough is enough; drop this already". Meanwhile, one of Sunak's people is going, "If you don't vote for this, start looking for another job". I am only very slightly paraphrasing. So in the run-up to an election, the Tories are fighting like rats in a sack. Add to that the fact that if this thing manages to pass the Commons, it still has to pass the Lords, who have no horse in the election race (they're appointed, not elected) ... and a lot of them are lawyers. Lawyers know very well what will happen if we keep attempting to violate (or actually succeed in violating) international law. They probably won't like that idea very much. So once again, the absolute fucking irony of the "lazy unelected shit-lumps in the Lords" maybe saving our international reputation is beyond compare. ...But that's nothing compared to what Rwanda's doing.

...I am afraid to ask. Well, apparently Rwanda has been offering us (us as a country, that is) our money back. See, we've already paid Rwanda scads of money for even setting up for this doomed-to-failure bit of bullshit, as previously stated. And apparently this is getting so ridiculous and so very obviously blatantly violating international law that the president of Rwanda of all places has offered to give back a significant amount of money just to get his name and that of his country out of the whole mess. I have to wonder at what point Rwanda just goes, "You know what, no - if you don't want the money back, fine, but we're out of this shit".

I'm still terrified for refugees. I don't know what happens with this because seriously, there's no fucking way to tell what anyone in this government is going to do from one minute to the next. But I can still hope that we don't end up leaving the ECHR, because I don't really know what happens if we do that just to be able to send poor miserable people to fucking Rwanda. I mean, beyond the UN also giving up on this whole country because the UN doesn't like the idea of deporting people to Rwanda either. I mean, given the anti-trans sentiment in this country, and the fact that they're already being assholes to the disabled by cutting their benefits if they don't work from home to "do their duty" (yes, that is exactly how the government put that) ... I'm foreign, disabled, and not cishet (though I pass, and I guess that's something but I HATE IT SO MUCH THAT I HAVE TO), and this country already hates me. Take away basic human rights, and whatever replaces it is going to fuck me over very, very hard.

Gods, this place is a fucked-up mess.

‘Sozin’s Comet, Part 3: Into The Inferno’

I'm finally reaching that dreaded point in my re-watch where I don't really want to continue because the episodes are so good but they're also so painful, and I'm afraid that they might be too painful for me to see all the good in them, but... I guess we'll see.

Everything that needed to be said about Azula's descent into complete breakdown has already been said by @juniperhillpatient in her review. I am not going to sob all over my keyboard retyping the same 100% accurate truth.

Okay, I'll say this about the Sokka, Suki and Toph attacking the airship fleet. Sokka operates far better when he isn't given the time to come up with a plan. Also jeez, but tiny metalbending knight Toph is awesome and frightening AF. Sokka's birthday party plan WAS a really good and inspired one, though.

The Siege of BSS continues to annoy me because of how unnecessary it is. If things worked out as Iroh's prophesized destinies would have you believe, then Ozai goes down, Zuko takes over as Fire Lord, and the FN garrison in Ba Sing Se would end up surrendering sooner or later. Forcing this battle is just killing people who didn't need to die.

Okay, Ozai did get to do a little bit of burning, but it's not like that was a lot, so... can't give him too much? 40 Jerk Points. Also, for taking off his clothes before fighting Aang, like... why? That's very inappropriate. I did not pay to see that. 40 Jerk Points because eww. Also, for mocking Aang while celebrating the Air Nation genocide, Ozai gets another 100 Jerk Points.

As much as I don't like the idea of Azula and Zuko fighting the Agni Kai, I think it's kind of ridiculous to suggest that it shouldn't have happened, because everything has been building up to this, and if you don't recognize that, well, I'm sorry to say that maybe this show's narrative might just be a little too complicated for you to comprehend. I do want to slap Zuko a bit for the 'I think she's slipping' comment, but I think that's mostly sloppy writing. Let's not place unreasonable expectations for Zuko to identify a mental health episode. He DID notice that she wasn't herself. And also, sorry... but on this day, Azula needed to be stopped, for many reasons, also for her own sake.

I have questions about Zuko taunting Azula about lightning, though. Azula has been holding off on lightning bending, probably because she knows it will be redirected. So, does Zuko want her to use it so that he can redirect and kill her? Zuko was already dominating the duel. We have seen several Agni Kai before, and none of them ended in death, but this would have certainly increased the risk of that happening. Because this is mostly a tragic encounter for them both, I didn't want to hand out Jerk Points, but I almost feel like I have to do that here. I'll give 100 Jerk Points to Zuko, but I'm willing to hear more charitable explanations for Zuko's actions here, and maybe I will adjust this score accordingly.

I've already posted my meta about the Agni Kai and cheating, and upon this re-watch I am totally amazed about how right I was with that meta. Azula won the Agni Kai, but was then overthrown in a coup. That's the only right way to read this for people who don't like to be wrong.

Book 3 Jerk Points:

Zuko - 940 Ozai - 880 Aang - 690 Yon Rha - 400 Iroh - 150  Sokka - 110 Roku - 100 Hide - 80 King Kuei - 60 Toph, Pakku - 50 Haru - 30

okay i just watched triple frontier, here's the whole thing

oscar isaac: oh god I can't handle stairs anymore, i'm an old man. whoops anathema bix got away! psych, she's my buddy.

charlie papillon: guys, don't join mercenary companies, there's no honor in that. Hi oscar, how's your mercenary company, do they want to pay me?

garrett: I'm the dumb one. I'm not really, i just don't talk as much

pedro: I am the actual dumb one. but also not really. my self-preservation instincts are just all over the place and it's pretty clear I am way less okay with this shit than y'all are. that said I am more willing to kill. just bad at like. dealing with it.

new!Batman: I have a daughter, which puts a giant bullseye on my forehead.

oscar: okay guys, lie lie lie lie lie. you in?

everyone: UGH. okay FINE. but I protest.

oscar: let's steal so much money

everyone: about that time you lied to us.

oscar: you in or out?

everyone: no we do want the money though. you had a point with that. huge fan of money.

oscar: and killing the bad guy. i'm benevolent, remember? i need to fix my mother's homeland. with guns!

everyone: fine whatever

they get SO MUCH MONEY and kill a bunch of people including their target but luckily not the like three civilians they swore they wouldn't kill. however they do leave a bloody massacre behind for the kids and wife to find.

pedro: as a pilot I need to warn you guys that if we don't leave some of this cash behind, we will crash the chopper trying to crest the andes

ben: but money! :(

pedro: ugh, fine. I'll fight physics or whatever

they crash the chopper trying to crest the andes.

pedro: so, what did we learn

ben: I'm gonna shoot these people

pedro: no! because then i'll shoot them! and you know I'm a nervous wreck! i also do coke so you'd think this coca plantation would tie into that, like I'd steal some leaves or whatever since I'm having Bad Fuckin Time, but nope.

oscar: don't shoot anyone! they're just people!

ben shoots them. pedro might also? unclear.

oscar: damn it! not only have you taken innocent lives, a terrible thing in and of itself, but you have also dealt another dreadful blow to my ability to see myself as a good guy, a liberator, a helper!

charlie and garrett: we're just here for support I guess. our characters are flatter than y'all's.

oscar: hey farm village boss. I'm real sorry. here's money for mules, the families of the deceased, and something nice for you, buddy.

they load up the money and go. a distinctive looking young man is ominously furious with ben.

cresting the andes on foot is very hard. they all get pissed at each other and pedro's mule falls to a horrible death. before they reach the top, a sniper starts taking potshots.

Ben, who fucking had it coming, gets killed to death by the distinctive looking furious young man.

the surviving four have a little cry and then they get him and the cash over the ridge. they can't get much of the money to their waiting boat so they throw it all down a crevasse.

everyone: good. we'll never think about the money again. it will just disappear forever.

me, watching: I mean...you could just come back for it? get another chopper?

they sneak through the village where a few bad guys and a bunch of conscripted teenagers want to kill them. oscar feels bad and gives a kid money even after he almost gets them killed.

they get to the boat with batman's dead body and take the remaining $5 million to some shell corporation person oscar knows

Good Guy Charlie: give my money to ben's family

Garrett: yeah

pedro and oscar: god damn it. Yeah us too. ughhhhh. even though his itchy trigger finger got pedro to take shots he didn't want to and utterly shattered oscar's delusion that he's helping.

charlie: oh oscar hey guess what

oscar: what.

charlie: I recorded the exact coordinates of the other money which is like. 150 mil or so?

oscar: oh what happened to "good, we don't want the money ever seen again"

charlie: bro it's over 100 million and we just selflessly gave all our shit to ben's kid. obviously we're going back for it

oscar: ...sequel?

charlie: god no. this wasn't nearly that good, dude.

How Much Do SEO Freelancers Make?

How Much Do SEO Freelancers Make? You guys are ready to start making money with SEO, make sure to continue watching this video. Now. Welcome to Casey's SEO. And we're going to talk about how much money you can make as a freelancer by doing SEO SEO. But first, please make sure to hit that subscribe and like button if you want more SEO tips. And if you have any questions, please send me an email. I will personally help you out. Now let's get back to the video and I'm going to explain to you guys how much money you can make by doing SEO. Generally speaking, if you live in the USA right now, you should be charging a minimum of $100 an hour if you know what you're doing. Now I say if you know what you're doing because it honestly depends on your skill level and what company you are working with for the amount of money that you guys can make. So if you're just starting out and you know all the basics, you know how to run an SEO audit, you know everything, but you just feel that you're not quite there yet, then I suggest you charge a little bit less just to get some more practice until you feel more proficient with your SEO skills. Now how much less am I talking about? I honestly think you can still be getting thirty dollars to fifty dollars an hour as a freelancer. Right now, agencies are charging anywhere from $100. If you have the experience of somebody that works at an agency, there's honestly no reason why you guys can't be charging a very similar rate to an agency in your area. Now it all comes down to where you can find your clients that will be willing to pay that kind of money. Into my next video, I'm going to tell you guys where you can find some of these clients. But it's not going to be as easy as everyone thinks it is. So how much can you make as a freelancer? I would be charging between $50 and $150 an hour. It all just depends on the project, how many hours that client is going to be paying for, and the complexity of that project. If the project is really simple and you don't need to put that much time in it, then you could charge let's say five to 10 hours a month. And that could be anywhere from five hundred dollars to one thousand five hundred dollars for that SEO plan. Now if it's a project that you don't want to work on, but you can increase your price to try to push that client away, then I suggest charging more. So maybe you want to charge $150 $200 an hour. And if that client still really wants to pay that, either because they know who you are or they know what you can do, then maybe you end up taking it just to make that extra amount of money and kind of deal with the headache that, you know, that that project might bring. But in the end, it's really up to you and how much you want to charge. Maybe you just want some extra work and you don't feel that you need to charge $150 an hour. Maybe you're okay with charging $30 an hour. And that is really fine, because in the long run, it's up to you and it's your time and it's your money. But just remember, if you've put in the time, you have the years of experience, you know what you're doing, and you can market yourself, then you can charge a little bit more than somebody that's just starting out, trying to find any client that will pay them anything so they can put some more money in their pocket into gain experience. So I hope you guys enjoyed this video. Once again, please make sure to hit that like and subscribe button. And if you guys have any questions, comments, please let me know. And if you need to send me an email because you need some help, I would love to help you guys out. So make sure to send me those emails.     SEO Freelancers: How Much Do They Earn? The average SEO freelancer earns anywhere from $76 to $150 per hour. In order to earn this amount, SEO freelancers need to have excellent business relationships and be knowledgeable about the latest SEO trends and techniques. There are a few ways to get started as a freelance SEO expert, including starting your own blog. SEO freelancers earn between $76 and $150 per hour SEO freelancers typically earn between $76 and $150 per hour depending on their experience and the complexity of the project. The job requires great organizational skills, a keen eye for detail, and a thorough understanding of the technical aspects of the field. They must also have a passion for SEO and have good communication skills. They are often partnered with social media specialists and content writers who help them with the website’s content. SEO freelancers need to keep up with recent trends and the latest changes in Google’s algorithm. They should also be familiar with common analytics tools like Google Search Console and Bing Webmaster Tools. Regardless of their level of experience, they must know how to use these tools to determine the most effective strategies for your website. While SEO freelancers are paid hourly, most will charge a monthly retainer for their services. Most will charge between $76 and $150 per hour, but there are some who charge significantly more. Some SEOs earn as much as $4,500 per month. This is not unreasonable for a skilled SEO specialist. SEO freelancers tend to have lower overhead compared to agencies, so prices are generally lower. However, SEO freelancers who have development skills or experience in certain areas can charge more than those who do not. The competition among freelancers helps keep prices down. So if you’re looking for a job in the field, this may be the best option for you. SEO freelancers typically work between 41 hours per week and earn between $76 to $150 per hour. The average freelancer has fewer clients than an agency. However, some SEOs in an agency manage more than twenty clients. Most freelancers earn under $1,000 per month, while agencies make more than $2,000 per client. When it comes to price, you need to look for experience and a solid track record. SEO services aren’t cheap – they require years of experience and many different channels to be effective. They can start a blog as a freelance SEO expert There are several different reasons that someone might want to become a freelance SEO expert. One is to earn extra income online. The term SEO stands for search engine optimization, and the process involves writing content in such a way that it will be ranked highly in search results. If this sounds like the ideal career for someone, they can start a blog to post content and promote their services. The best way to gain more exposure and credibility is to create a portfolio of your work. They must have excellent relationships in the business world An SEO freelancer needs to build excellent relationships in the business world to be successful. They need to be able to present a credible website and have a track record of working effectively. Hiring someone without a proven track record can be a waste of money and time. Before hiring anyone, you should consider conducting an interview. Whether it is over the phone or through video conferencing, you can get a feel for the person’s skills and experience. SEO freelancers should also be able to learn new subjects quickly. It is critical to have a thorough understanding of different products, industries, and services. They should also be able to adapt quickly to new processes and ensure that their work is of the highest quality. SEO freelancers should have a support group. They should also have a hobby outside of the business world. And they should set limits on their working hours and the types of projects they can handle. Having boundaries and not accepting every project is a crucial part of being a successful SEO freelancer. Furthermore, SEO freelancers should understand that they can’t work on all types of SEO projects and with every kind of client. They must be up to date with the latest trends and techniques in SEO To stay ahead of the game, SEO freelancers need to be updated with the latest trends and techniques. Search engines are becoming increasingly complex, and SEO experts must be up-to-date on the latest trends to be effective. For example, they are changing the way search results are displayed. Rather than being simple lists of links, Google is creating more interactive and diverse SERPs that provide SEO experts with new challenges and opportunities. Examples of new features include content snippets, related questions, localization, and more. SEO freelancers must also make sure their websites are optimized for technical SEO, which makes it easier for search engines to index and crawl them. They must also master the art of keyword research, as this is the basis for targeted content. If possible, they should aim to use keywords that have low competition. SEO freelancers must also be knowledgeable about social media and how to use it to generate traffic. Social media isn’t just about managing accounts – it also requires skills such as writing compelling posts and using accurate CTAs. Social media can also be used to generate leads. SEO freelancers should have a sound understanding of key performance indicators (KPIs). KPIs can vary from business-to-business or project-to-project at enterprise-level companies. In general, KPIs include traffic and rankings. If these KPIs can be improved by an SEO freelancer, it’s a good sign. SEO has become a hot commodity, and a freelance SEO freelancer must be current with the latest trends and techniques in the field to stay on top of the game. This is particularly important because search engines change their algorithms often. In addition, 70% of internet users focus on organic results. seoservicescoloradosprings,localseocoloradosprings,searchengineoptimization,seo ARE YOU READY TO START WORKING WITH US? Let's optimize your website and make it even better! LET'S GET IN TOUCH TODAY! ABOUT US With over 10 years experience with SEO, PPC and web design, we know how to improve your website rankings and get more leads. Contact Casey's SEO today for a free quote. SOCIAL LINKS - Follow us on YouTube - Like us on Facebook - Follow us on Instagram GET IN TOUCH - ​Call us 719-266-3239 - [email protected] - Colorado Springs, Colorado Read the full article

Lost in the Shadows - Chapter 24

AO3

Taglist: @nott-the-best @foxglove-airmid @alastair-esfandiyar-carstairs1 @justanormaldemon @styxdrawings @ipromiseiwillwrite @a-dream-dirty-and-bruised@alastair-appreciation-month

Previous Chapter: Chapter 23

Next Chapter: Chapter 25

Lucie was exhausted. She’d used more magic today than she had in her entire life and when they were finished eating Thomas’ admittedly very good shepherd’s pie, she was so tired she wanted to go to bed. She usually had a bit of an irregular sleeping schedule, you never knew when inspiration might hit, but right now she needed sleep more than anything. She suspected no one else would want to go to sleep yet. Thomas and Alastair had curled up on the couch, cuddling while watching a movie. They both seemed to really like touch, Lucie noticed, which was something she’d expected from Thomas, but not Alastair. Cordelia had always described him as having difficulty showing physical affection, but perhaps it was different with Thomas. Cordelia was on the other couch, reading a book she’d borrowed from her.

‘Can I talk to you?’ she asked her mother.

‘Of course, Lu,’ her mother said. ‘Where did you want to go?’

She and her mother went upstairs to Lucie’s bedroom. She didn’t think Alastair had the energy required for messing with someone’s memory right now, so she left him. Perhaps he could help tomorrow, or whenever he felt like it. Restoring years of memories had to be hard.

‘Alright, so we freed Grace,’ Lucie said. ‘And she had some information. Including a story about a witch with powers similar to mine, who sealed the thief away in his realm and then fell asleep in the land in between for a 130 years.’

Tessa tilted her head. ‘Like sleeping beauty?’

‘I think she woke up by herself,’ Lucie said. ‘With the strange way time moves there, she could have just passed out for a little while, but woken up 130 years later. Anyway, according to Grace this woman’s name was Theresa Gray and she was the thief’s daughter. And she woke up about twenty years ago. The thief took her memories and replaced them with false ones.’

Tessa frowned. ‘And you think I was that witch in a past life? You know I have no powers, right? Nothing like what you can do.’

‘According to Grace, the thief took your powers.’

Jessamine walked into the room, through the wall as she so often did. Jessamine, who’d met a miss Gray who was a witch around the same time period…

‘Show yourself, Jess,’ Lucie said. ‘Come here.’

Jessamine sat down on her bed next to her.

‘Do you recognize my mother?’ Lucie asked.

Jessamine frowned. ‘She’s come here regularly for the past twenty years or so,’ she said.

‘No, I mean before that. What did Mr. Gray’s sister look like, the other one who could see you?’

‘Your mother looks a lot like her, Lucie. But she lived 150 years ago.’

‘But could they be the same person?’ Lucie asked.

Jessamine tilted her head. ‘It’s been a long time… But yes. It could have been her, if it weren’t for the time passed.’

‘See!’ Lucie said triumphantly. ‘It was you. You’ve been here after Jessamine died to offer condolences, because she was to be married to your brother.’

‘My brother died in a car accident,’ Tessa said. ‘In the 1990s.’

Lucie didn’t know much about this uncle, her mother barely talked about him and she didn’t even know his name. Now she began to suspect these false memories of everyone around her dying were the only way such a fake past could make sense. Because she’d woken up in this century alone, everyone she knew had died.

‘Alastair could help you,’ Lucie said. ‘To remember. It could be important. Besides, it must suck not knowing who you are.’

Tessa put her hand on Lucie’s shoulder. ‘I know who I am, Lu. I have a PhD and do medical research. I am your mother. But if in the past I was someone else, I am willing to find out.’

Lucie wanted to finish some writing but her eyes were falling shut, there was no point.

She slept restlessly that night. She dreamt of an old fashioned stone castle, a man on a throne decorated with bones. She only got glimpses of him. Of the horns on his head. No, they weren’t horns, they were antlers. A pair of red eyes. Not just the iris was red, the entire eye was, shining in the dark.

‘I know what you did, Lucie Herondale. I know what you are. And I will make you pay.’

Lucie shot up, drenched in sweat. Was it a nightmare, or a warning? Lucie couldn’t be sure. All she could see where those horrible eyes, burning red. She changed into a clean pajama, but at least the bed seemed clean enough. Lucie just wasn’t sure if she would fall back asleep. Her heart was still racing, and it was worse knowing that the monster might be real. Could that be him, the thief of souls? Grace had said he’d been human once, and beyond the antlers and the eyes he had been human in appearance, even if Lucie had only seen flashes. Had he found out she’d stolen Barbara from him? It seemed like an obvious explanation. Did he know about her mother? Barbara was still around here, Lucie wasn’t sure how or when she’d move on and neither was Barbara herself. She’d be safer when she wasn’t here as a ghost anymore, but perhaps she’d want a chance to talk to uncle Gabriel as well. Lucie imagined it would be harder for him though. Uncle Gabriel did not remember his mother at all, she wasn’t sure what it’d be like, to be confronted with a mother who’d died so long ago you didn’t remember her. But perhaps it was still nice to at least be given a chance to meet her, even if only once.

Lucie decided she could not go back to sleep and checked the time. It was around ten, she’d gone to bed very early. She suspected Cordelia might be going to bed right now. She usually went to bed around ten and considering it had been an exhausting day for her as well she didn’t think Cordelia would be up much later.

Lucie left her room, plushie sparrow in her arms, sprinting to where she knew the light switch was until she could turn it on. It was stupid and irrational, she knew, but part of her expected to see a pair of red glowing eyes any moment. Not that turning the light on would protect her but at least she felt safer. She walked over to Cordelia’s bedroom and knocked on the door.

Cordelia opened, wearing her pajama top but the jean shorts she’d changed into after showering.

‘Are you alright, Lu?’ she asked.

‘Nightmare,’ she said. ‘Can I come in?’

Cordelia gestured for her to come in and Lucie did, sitting down on Cordelia’s bed with her plushie sparrow. Cordelia had her redhead Persian cat plushie on the bed. Lucie knew Cordelia wanted to get a Persian cat for a pet when she lived on her own. Uncle Jem had one, although that little beast hated everyone except uncle Jem, her father in particular. Cordelia quickly changed into her pajama bottoms and sat down on the bed next to Lucie. Fortunately, there was enough space for the two of them.

‘What did you dream of?’ Cordelia asked, putting her arms around Lucie.

It was comforting, to be touched on her own terms, to be touched by Cordelia. It wasn’t always easy, but Cordelia would always be an exception. Her fingers were soft and send sparks down Lucie’s spine. Her arms were firm and applied just enough pressure for it to be comforting but not painful. Cordelia was both chubby and muscular, and it felt nice.

‘I think it might have been the thief of souls,’ Lucie admitted. ‘He said that he knew what I’d done and I’d pay the price. I don’t know, it could have been an ordinary nightmare. There’s no way to tell, is there?’

‘I don’t know,’ Cordelia said. ‘But I have cortana right here. If he so much as dares come close to you, I’ll stab him with my sword. I don’t care if he’s some all powerful immortal being. Cortana can kill anything.’

Lucie curled up against Cordelia. ‘That’s comforting. But I don’t know what to do. We’ve set Grace free, but now what? Even stopping Tatiana’s plans won’t be enough, not if the creature she works for is after me regardless of what she does.’

‘We’ll destroy it,’ Cordelia promised. ‘We’ll find a way. I won’t let anything hurt you.’

Cordelia kissed her forehead, gently running her fingers through her hair and Lucie felt herself burn up. Cordelia had no idea how she felt about her, did she? Lucie felt a little guilty about not telling her, but what if Cordelia didn’t feel the same way? She surely wouldn’t want to hold Lucie like this if she knew?

So instead she remained silent, both of them falling asleep like this. It worked, Lucie didn’t have any other nightmares. She slept until late the next morning, and only woke when Cordelia wanted to get out of bed and started moving. She felt rested again, as if she’d slept for a week.

After breakfast, Cordelia decided to help her and Thomas with wielding the dagger Alastair had given them. Lucie guessed when necessary she might stab something, but it was just as likely someone could disarm her and use the weapon against her. She didn’t want to rely on magic alone, she still hadn’t realized its full potential and it tired her too much. At least Thomas had some natural talent with the dagger.

Alastair was in conversation with Lucie’s mother, helping her with her memory Lucie guessed. It was difficult for Alastair because he had no starting point, but they’d taken Jessamine as a start and worked through association. Alastair had explained that he usually worked through timeline, but in this case association would be an easier way in. Lucie knew it had to be confusing for her mother. She couldn’t imagine finding out she was really a Victorian lady who’d travelled through time and forgotten all about it.

Her father helped out here and there as well. It was easy to forget he’d learnt all of this too, training with uncle Jem, but even after all these years he knew what he was doing.

‘I used to wield throwing knives,’ her father said. ‘I don’t think this dagger is balanced enough for throwing though. Excellent for stabbing. I must admit it looks very familiar, I think I used to have a dagger that looks just like this.’

Her father turned Lucie’s dagger around in his hand. ‘Even the jewels and the inscription matches. Where did you get this?’

‘Alastair gave it to me,’ Lucie said. ‘Not sure where he got it.’

‘It was a gift,’ Alastair clarified, who’d just came to join them. ‘Tessa is starting to remember, but I think it’s best to take it slowly. It’ll be easier now that the first memories came back.’

Will gazed up thoughtfully. ‘A gift, huh? Oh, of course, I gave the dagger away. A long time ago, to Charlotte Fairchild. Some monsters were after her, we later learned those were Benedict Lightwood’s as he held a grudge against her family or something, and Jem and I killed the beasts. I gave her a dagger that looked just like this one.’

***

Alastair didn’t know Charlotte Fairchild personally. He’d never met any of Charles’ family, aside from Matthew whom he knew from school. Charles had never wanted him to and Alastair had thought it was best at the time. He knew Charlotte was a member of the parliament for labour, and she was probably a much better politician than her son would ever be, but apart from that he didn’t know much about her. He certainly didn’t know she had once been involved in the supernatural as well.

‘Perhaps it’s a different dagger,’ Will mused. ‘Or Charlotte sold it or gave it away, I don’t think I ever asked what she did with it.’

‘Didn’t you say this one was a gift from your ex?’ Lucie asked.

Alastair stiffened. He hadn’t realized at all, but if Will knew Charlotte, did he also know Charles? It made sense, of course. His son James was best friends with Matthew Fairchild. But Charles had always seemed a bit like an isolated person to Alastair. Not in the sense that he had no friends or family, but Alastair didn’t know anyone Charles spent time with, and therefore it had never occurred to him that other people might know Charles.

‘Yes, I did. Charles never told me where he’d gotten it, I’d assumed he’d bought it.’

Perhaps Charles had found it among his mother’s old things and asked if he could have it, so he could give it to Alastair? Charles had never said it had belonged to his mother, he’d never said anything about where he’d gotten it and Alastair had assumed he must have bought it, although he’d never asked. He’d assumed the dagger must have been expensive considering the jewels. Charles was rich and had not shied away from giving him expensive gifts Alastair never could have bought on his own. Those gifts had made him feel so special, had made him forget about all the times Charles had dismissed him or pressured him into doing something. Had convinced him the pain didn’t matter because Charles loved him.

Of course, Alastair didn’t care much about how much money someone was spending on him, and he would have liked it if someone found him such a gift among his mother’s things, but not telling about it and letting Alastair believe he’d bought it was weird, right?

‘You mean you got it from Charles Fairchild? Charles was your ex?’

Alastair could easily read the shock on Thomas’ face. ‘I didn’t realize you knew him.’

‘I always saw him as Matthew’s annoying older brother, but I did know him. He used to be friends with my sisters. My parents have been very close with Charlotte and Henry for as long as I can remember, I’ve come there since I was a child. I never realized he might be someone I knew.’

Stupid, Alastair thought. Of course they knew Charles. Charles might have kept him away from his family and friends, but Matthew was Charles’ younger brother and Matthew and Thomas had been friends since they were little, before Charles had moved out. Did everyone here know him?

‘Charles Fairchild is your ex?’ Lucie’s eyes were wide with shock, but she also seemed intrigued.

Alastair stepped back. He knew what would happen, of course, he wasn’t stupid. Some unnamed man they had never heard of they could vilify. Someone they didn’t know could have been an abuser. But if they knew Charles, they would believe him over Alastair, wouldn’t they? They’d know him as he presented himself to the world, charming and hardworking and considerate, and would question Alastair’s story. Was he really that bad? Hadn’t he just asked for it?

He hadn’t told Will and Tessa the details about his relationship, of course, only Cordelia, Thomas and Gideon knew more than that he had broken up with someone some months ago. Now he couldn’t tell anyone else, couldn’t count on them to believe him. Not that he’d intended to necessarily, but he wished he could have.

‘Yes,’ Alastair said stiffly. ‘He gave me that dagger when I turned seventeen. I didn’t know it belonged to his mother before I got it. I didn’t want to return it after the break up, so that’s why I gave it to Lucie.’

Will didn’t seem to have any additional questions, but Alastair wasn’t so sure what he thought of the story. Even without any information, he had to be able to figure out Alastair had been a minor at the time of their relationship and Charles was not. Of course, not everyone thought that was wrong.

Alastair retreated inside, just as Tessa came outside. Looking for him? She’d just remembered visiting Jessamine in this house, the easiest entry to her old memory and had to be very overwhelmed. Not sure what to do now, the only distraction offered by the ringing of a doorbell. He guessed that would be Thomas’ parents, so Alastair went to open the door. Gideon would find out Charles had been his ex, right? Someone he’d known since he was a child. Alastair was a little overwhelmed from the discovery, scared what everyone would think. He opened the door expecting Thomas’ parents. Instead, it was his cousin Jem.

‘What are you doing here?’ Alastair realized that sounded rather rude. He’d been working at being nicer lately. Only for people who deserved it, of course, but Jem was one of those people. ‘Sorry. I mean, I wasn’t expecting you here.’

‘That’s alright. I came because I was worried.’

Alastair frowned. ‘Why?’

Had Will told Jem of what was happening here? Considering how close they were, he probably would have.

‘I haven’t heard a thing from Will and Tessa in some time,’ Jem said. ‘Nor has your mother heard anything from you or your sister.’

‘I’ve texted her every single day. She hasn’t read anything though.’

He and Thomas had speculated something like this might be going on, something blocking their lines of communication. He guessed that must be true. He led Jem to the living room.

‘I suspected something like this could happen. Will did mention something of the supernatural being active here, and sometimes that interferes with communication. I have not been able to reach any of you, nor did Gabriel and Cecily.’

‘Gideon said he couldn’t reach Gabriel, but apparently it was not unusual for Gabriel to disappear like that,’ Alastair said.

In this age of phones and technology, Alastair couldn’t imagine not responding to anything for several days.

‘That’s because back when he and Cecily still investigated the supernatural, phones tended to go haywire when they were deep in the middle of something. It’s something they got used to.’

The idea of his mother not sending a reply at all because she didn’t receive anything was certainly better than her purposely ignoring him, especially after Alastair had sent her a picture of him and Thomas.

‘And now it’s happening here.’

‘Yes,’ Jem said. ‘Your enemy wants to isolate you. That’s why I came here, I knew something was going on and you might need help.’

‘Well, you’re not wrong,’ Alastair said. ‘How is my mother?’

‘She is a bit worried, but I assured her there was no need for her to come here, that I would check in. I told her there was a chance I wouldn’t be able to reach her either. There’s something else she’s been wanting to tell you and your sister, but since she’s been unable to contact either of you, she’s asked me to tell you.’

Alastair was instantly sick with worry. ‘She’s not going back to Father, is she?’

‘No, that’s not it. Do you still not wish to know how your father has been doing? Otherwise I could give you some more information.’

Alastair considered his options. ‘I just want to know that my mother is safe from him,’ he said.

‘He’s at a clinic,’ Jem said. ‘Your mother has not visited. She is trying to find a way to get the house back after the divorce, but is currently still staying with Risa.’

Alastair was not sure what to think of that. Alastair had lived the first few years of his life in the old Carstairs manor, but his father had been forced to sell it because of financial problems. Jem had bought it back some years later, as a doctor he had the income to afford it. Not to mention he probably had saved his inheritance instead of spending it on alcohol. They’d moved into a smaller but honestly still bigger than average house, which had been paid for at least partially with his mother’s money. Who would get the house after the divorce was a bit tricky. While it would be convenient for them to have the house, Alastair feared there were too many bad memories attached to it. He didn’t want to go back to living there, even without his father.

‘You know, my offer still stands. You can come live with me,’ Jem added. ‘I have plenty of space.’

Alastair knew moving in with Jem was probably more practical than living with Risa. She didn’t really have the space to accommodate an entire family since she’d always lived on her own and didn’t have a high income like Jem did. The main reason he’d turned down the offer was because he didn’t know Jem all that well. Father had always done the best he could to keep him away from their family, and he was this distant relative he vaguely knew of. But after sharing a room with Cordelia for some time, he guessed perhaps moving in with Jem was a better idea. He’d even considered moving out altogether like many students did, but he didn’t think that was feasible with the money he had, not without getting roommates who were likely going to be messy and consumers of alcohol like students often were. Not to mention people often chose their new roommates and Alastair knew realistically, no one would choose him. Even if he didn’t know Jem all that well, living with him would probably be preferable.

‘I’ll think on it,’ Alastair said. ‘At this point it might be the only feasible idea. I don’t think it would be right to impose on Risa for much longer.’

‘You and your mother and sister will always be welcome with me,’ Jem said. ‘Now, how are you? With everything that’s been happening, I imagine this summer was not the escape you’d hoped it would be.’

‘Not really,’ Alastair said. ‘But it’s not all bad. I’ve grown closer to Thomas. We’re in a relationship now. It’s all very new though, and I find it difficult to open myself again, or to accept that he cares. He keeps saying he does, but this voice in my head tells me he couldn’t possibly care about me.’

‘It’s hard, to accept that you are loved after everything you’ve been through,’ Jem said. ‘To believe it, really.’

Alastair felt a bit embarrassed by it all, as he often did. Both Jem and his therapist had often assured him having a mental disorder was nothing to be ashamed of, but that didn’t stop Alastair from feeling weak and broken.

‘I will think about moving in with you at the end of the summer,’ Alastair decided, if only because it was the least bad option he had. He didn’t want to make a permanent decision yet, but it was a good option. He knew few people had the luxury of having a cousin he could just move in with. ‘But on one condition. I do get to keep my dagger collection.’

‘You still have those, then?’

‘They’re important to me,’ Alastair insisted. ‘Right now, we use them in case we need to defend ourselves, but beyond that they’re decorative.’

‘I don’t mind them,’ Jem said. ‘I’m just concerned that you’ll hurt yourself.’

‘I could also hurt myself with razor blades and kitchen knives. But I don’t. I’ve never cut myself, and I don’t intend to start,’ Alastair said.

To be honest, he did understand why some people did. Some had said that cutting made the pain go away for a moment and Alastair could understand doing anything to make the pain go away. Alastair had been more prone to hurting others than himself though, lashing out as a way of coping. Both were quite maladaptive coping methods, but fortunately Alastair had at least learnt to stop lashing out.

‘I trust you,’ Jem said. ‘Are you getting along with the others here? You always struggled socially.’

Some time ago Jem had considered that like Lucie, he might be autistic, but Alastair wasn’t sure. His issues with social interaction could also be due to trauma. It was always frustrating, how people around him worried about his lack of friends. He was still considering getting tested for it, but waiting lists for autism assessment, especially in adulthood, were endless and the longer he postponed making a decision, the longer it would take.

‘I am,’ Alastair said. ‘Mostly with Thomas.’

‘Yes, you mentioned you were in a relationship with him. Is he treating you well? Better than the last one, I hope,’ Jem said.

‘Yes he is. He is sweet. Speaking of the last one, do you know Charles Fairchild? I just discovered that everyone else here knows him.’

Alastair figured it anyone would be on his side, it would be Jem, so perhaps it was best to hear how well everyone knew Charles from Jem. He very much did not want to talk about Charles, but he also knew he should be prepared.

‘I knew him well when he was a child. Lately, not so much. I still see Henry and Charlotte, but Charles doesn’t live with them anymore, so I haven’t seen him in a while. You don’t mean to say he is your ex boyfriend?’

‘Everyone knows him apparently. I didn’t realize. And I told Thomas and Gideon the whole story without mentioning his name. But now Thomas knows it was him because of the goddamn dagger and why would they believe me over someone they knew since he was a child?’

‘Alastair, I believe you,’ Jem said. ‘That I did not expect such a thing from Charles only tells me I did not know him at all. Some people are simply good at hiding what they’re really like.’

Alastair guessed he was such a person too. He spent so much time hiding how broken and awful he really was.

‘I do not think knowing the person who hurt you will make them stop believing you,’ Jem added. ‘They might be shocked to know Charles was capable of such a thing, and I understand you might prefer not to discuss it, but they will still believe you.’

‘How can you know?’

‘Because Will and Tessa and Gideon and Sophie are my friends, and I trust them. Now, where are Will and Tessa? I would like to greet them.’

‘They’re just outside,’ Alastair said, leading Jem into the garden where Cordelia and Will were still helping Thomas and Lucie wield their daggers properly.

Truly becoming skilled with them would take years, but they would have to make do with the time they had.

‘Jem, I didn’t know you were coming!’ Tessa said.

‘I had become worried,’ Jem said. ‘And I missed you.’

Jem hugged Tessa, and then Will. Alastair envied their close friendship sometimes, one that had endured over the years even after Will and Jem had stopped training to fight together. Perhaps he really did lack the social skills to build such a friendship.

‘I think we all missed you,’ Will said. ‘I didn’t realize you’d be coming.’

‘You’ve been cut off from communicating with people outside,’ Jem said. ‘I realized when none of you responded to me, or Gabriel, or Sona. I thought it would be best to come here and see for myself. Gabriel and Cecily would have come, but they couldn’t find a babysitter.’

‘Of course. You’re always welcome here,’ Tessa said.

‘Now I do have to deliver a message to Cordelia and Alastair,’ Jem said.

Alastair and Cordelia followed Jem back inside. He was still worried, scared something was not right. All he knew was his mother was not going back to his father.

‘What is it?’ Cordelia asked. ‘Nothing bad, I hope?’

‘No, nothing bad. She really wanted to tell you this herself, but considering the circumstances she gave me permission to tell you. She is expecting a child.’

‘Wait, what? And how?’ Cordelia asked.

‘She likely got pregnant shortly before leaving Elias,’ Jem said. ‘And didn’t realize until after you two left. Despite the circumstances she is very happy about it and excited to meet her new baby. She hopes you are as well.’

‘Yes, of course,’ Cordelia said. ‘But wow, I really did not expect a baby sibling,’ Cordelia said.

‘Me neither,’ Alastair said. ‘But the baby will have everything they need. They won’t be burdened by Father.’

Alastair could never have guessed he’d have another baby sibling, but even now, not knowing them at all, he knew he’d do anything for the baby. He knew he could not quite be a father, but he could be a good older brother, a better one than he’d been to Cordelia at least. He could make sure the baby wouldn’t have to grow up like he had, and would always have someone to tell them they were loved and perfect and enough as they were. Although Alastair could never have anticipated this news, he was happy.

mmkay I think it’s time for another 150 words meme because I have too many different projects and feel like I could use some pushes also just generally since my motivation writingwise appears to have, uh, slipped a little

so hit me. send me up to three numbers and I’ll write 150 words in the given project. ten options this time, two of them are literally just plotless porn, see if you can guess which

1. Then he moved to his right shoulder and felt Xue Yang flinch away from him. A very slight and plainly involuntary movement, and satisfaction crashed over Song Lan followed almost immediately by frustration that this was what Xue Yang did to him, what he made of him: someone vindictive and cruel and taking pleasure from the pain of others. Making him like Xue Yang.

He unwrapped the bandaging briskly, not gently but not deliberately hurting him either. It was an ugly wound, even for the work the midwife had done. 

The urge rose to dig his fingers into the wound, break it open again, and he recoiled from it, the vividness of it, the near longing. He could feel the slightest tremor in Xue Yang’s body under his hands. Minute, but present. He was very still otherwise, and surprisingly quiet. (Walking Far From Home)

2. “Was he hot?” she asked. 

Xiao Xingchen shot her a dirty look. “I thought you didn’t want details.” 

“If you’re going to make terrible choices I at least want to know if your terrible choice was hot.” 

Xiao Xingchen debated with himself how much judgment he could take this morning, and decided that he might as well finish it out. “It was him,” he said. “Xue Yang.”

“Who?” a-Qing said blankly. 

“The guy from the hospital,” Xiao Xingchen said helplessly. 

“Dumpster guy?” Xiao Xingchen didn’t bother to confirm. “You fucked dumpster guy?” Xiao Xingchen could feel his face getting even hotter. (Redux)

3. “Wang-popo’s roof is rotting through,” Xiao Xingchen said.

“It probably won’t last through the winter,” Xiao Xingchen said.

“With her husband gone, she can’t afford to hire someone to fix it,” Xiao Xingchen said. 

Xue Yang was doing fine at ignoring the increasingly unsubtle hints right up until Xiao Xingchen turned his stupidly beautiful face in his direction and said, “would you be willing to lend her your skills, my friend?” 

Absolutely not. “I don’t work for free,” Xue Yang said immediately. Xiao Xingchen’s face fell. (splinters)

4. “Jiujiu?” Jin Ling said.

“What,” he snapped. Jin Ling opened his mouth, then closed it.

“Nothing,” he said, altogether too innocently. “Nothing. Thanks for coming, Jiujiu.”

“You asked me to,” Jiang Cheng said flatly. “Though I notice you didn’t mention who the other guests would be.”

“Oh,” Jin Ling said. “I didn’t?” 

Jiang Cheng was going to throttle Jin Ling for this. “No. You didn’t.”

“Sorry,” Jin Ling said. He did not sound sorry. “I didn’t expect there’d be any problems. Is there a problem?” 

Throttling was too gentle. “No,” he said. “There’s no problem.” He paused, and then said pointedly, “interfering in others’ personal lives is unlikely to do anything but get you into trouble.”

Jin Ling gave him a long, hard, and uncomfortably familiar stare. “Okay, Jiujiu,” he said. 

Jiang Cheng narrowed his eyes. “So…?”

“Thanks for the advice,” Jin Ling chirped. “I’ll remember it if that comes up. I’ll talk to you later - I have go ask Sizhui about something.” 

And he was off. (Slippage)

5. Chengmei laughed, the sound bright and sharp as the blade of the knife he was holding. “I like you,” he said. “No wonder Lianfang-zun told me to stay away.”

It should have sounded like he was flirting with her. It didn’t. 

“You should treat him with more respect,” she said, making her voice firmer. “He deserves it.” Chengmei burst out laughing, and Jiang Yanli felt a flare of defensive anger.

“Don’t worry, jiejie,” he said. “I know what he’s worth. He puts up with me because he knows what I am. We understand each other.” 

Jiang Yanli frowned. “Knows what you are?” 

Chengmei bounced to his feet and stretched up on his toes. “Yeah,” he said. “His pet project.” (this world is gonna break your heart)

6. The sun was starting to poke weakly through the heavy mist by the time Xue Yang stopped working. 

The veins and arteries in a person’s neck were delicate things. Easy to cut open. Much, much harder to put back together. Good thing he’d never shied away from challenges. Good thing he’d been quick enough. Sure, better if he’d been quicker but - no point dwelling on that, it was fine, it’d worked out, hadn’t it?

He glanced at his patient, watched his chest move with his breathing. Shallow, and he was pale as shit but still breathing, which was the important thing. Stupid thing to try to do. 

“What if I hadn’t been paying attention?” Xue Yang asked him. “Where would you be then, huh?” (xxc survives and it isn’t fine)

7. He’d been scouring the cultivation world for a year and a half so far, chasing hints and scraps and rumors, cobbling together his own methods from fragments of theory and experimentation. He’d tried calling, again and again, trying to coax Xiao Xingchen’s soul back into his body. He’d caught a Lan cultivator and forced her to play Inquiry for him to no response; she’d said there wasn’t enough left to communicate with and he’d left her slit open but alive for the scavengers to find. 

He poured vitality into Xiao Xingchen’s body to keep it from deteriorating, to keep it perfect, whole, ready for him to come home. 

Nothing. Nothing nothing nothing and the doubts gnawing at him like jackals on the Lan cultivator’s guts kept getting stronger, whispering he’s not coming home. You’re never getting him back. He’s broken and gone and he doesn’t want to come back to you-

He’d thought of the Burial Mounds before. Obviously. The place where the Yiling Laozu had gained his power, where he’d held sway, taken control of a place where everyone said no one could live. (a symphony for the departed)

8. “What did I do,” he asked. His voice sounded small and weak. 

“Do? What do you mean? Don’t think it’s your fault this fucking cave fell in on us, unless you knew that that thing would bring down the ceiling in its death throes. Did you know that, Daozhang? Cause if you did then–” 

“No,” Xiao Xingchen said, though he wasn’t following anything that his - that his friend was saying. And who was his friend? How did he know him? How had they met? He couldn’t think of anyone he would call a friend, other than Zichen and...and Zichen was gone. 

“Yeah, I know,” his friend said. “Of course you didn’t. Hey, c’mere, let me–” 

He drew back, shaking his head, “no, I don’t mean - I did something, something bad, and…” 

The thought wouldn’t finish. He waited, hoping his friend would fill it in, or hoping his friend would tell him he was wrong.

“I’ve got no fucking clue what you’re talking about, Daozhang,” he said, and Xiao Xingchen took a wavering breath. (xiao xingchen + concussion)

9. It was a restless day - one of those days where he just couldn’t stay still, where he felt like crawling out of his skin and like if someone looked at him wrong he was going to spill blood. If he could manage it getting fucked within an inch of his life was usually pretty effective at dealing with it but if that wasn’t an option - if, say, some daozhangs were off dealing with laying someone’s dead grandmother to rest (he skipped out on those, these days) - the only thing to do was clear out and get some space from anyone who might look at him wrong.

Xue Yang didn’t think anyone would accept they pissed me off as a good reason to kill somebody. (reconfiguration)

10. Stuff happened. Presumably. He could tell that stuff happened, but not a lot more than that. He didn’t make much of an effort, either, enjoying the drifting, the blank quiet nothing. 

He settled back into his body slowly, in bits and pieces of sensation: someone petting his hair, his face smashed against someone’s shoulder and another body bracketing his other side. He opened one eye but all he could really see was chest. He was pretty sure Song Lan’s chest. Which was nice.

“Fuck,” he said, when he thought he had his voice back. (something about the number three)

I am in a serious financial bind. 😥 If anyone is in a position to listen & help or signal boost, pls keep reading...

This is from my apartment complex. I am in low-income housing. I called them & sent them proof I could pay on the 23rd. I told them I could (just barely) put 100 down now & they said that was too little.

They said they would file for eviction on the 16th, which adds $150 to my rent. They will cancel the court date and eviction on the 23rd when I pay.

But that doesn't cancel the $150 filing fee.

Idk where that $150 would come from. Idky they think it's fair that someone who cannot pay should be forced to pay even more??? That makes no sense. I can only just barely afford my rent every month as is.

These are from my energy company. I apparently owe them over $600. I genuinely do not know how this happened. We were on the phone for a very long time trying to figure it out & I was in tears for the latter portion of it because I swear I paid.

I usually keep record of my payments via taking a picture of my receipt since they are electronic, but my dog chewed up my phone (which I have pics of if need be for evidence) and broke it, so I had to get a replacement phone sent to me from the insurance company & nothing transferred from the old phone, so all my pics were wiped.

I found no record in my emails, either.

The meds I am taking to try to go into remission and the autoimmune disease itself both cause brain fog and issues with time warping, so it is possible maybe I skipped a month or something, but I highly doubt I would have skipped up to 600+ dollars worth of payments.

I have tons of electronic and hard copy calendars & they are all synced and constantly updated so that I know when payments are due. I also have text and email reminders sent to me, but I could find no reminders in my email for MONTHS now until they were telling me they were going to shut my power off if I didn't pay this. Idk why I was not sent reminders for months???

In the end, I agreed to set up a payment plan. Paying, like... 50-60ish on top of whatever my electric bill is every month for 12 months. It was the lowest they could go.

I can barely afford my electric bill as it is, so idk how I will be able to do this? They did give me a list of charities in my area so I will be using what little energy I have to call around & see if any of them would be willing to help me pay this. Idk how those work (they're mostly churches???), so I'm just gonna try & see what happens. 🤔

On top of all that, I *think* this is telling me my Medicaid has been cancelled but I'm not 100% sure?????

I'm going through treatment for a very serious, disabling problem that should last ~1 year and rn Medicaid is picking up what my Medicare doesn't cover and some of my doctors/specialists and treatments are medicaid only.

If I lose this, I'm basically done.

I know they'll do backpay if I get it back, but Idk if I *will* get it back. I'll be trying to get it back, but in the meantime, I guess I'll just have to pay out of pocket, idk??? Which I do not have.

I have lost almost ALL autonomy due to this autoimmune disease, which (in a very simplified form) is basically my immune cells "eating" my muscle tissue. I can barely get out of bed. Treatment should put me in remission & give me my life back. I am seeing a rheumatologist, neurologist, dermatologist, PCP, physical therapist, psychiatrist, psychologist, and going to a holistic pain treatment center that does a different kind of physical therapy to bring down pain levels (which I was put into that program by my rheum). All of these are in relation to & necessary for my disease. I am going through TONS of testing almost weekly now & trying out treatments like IVIG and chemo where I am in the hospital hooked up to an IV for 4-6+ hrs of that day and the cost of those things without Medicaid picking up what Medicare doesn't cover is astronomical. I have to sign waivers every time I get my blood drawn (which is almost weekly now), do tests, and do treatments saying I will pay if Medicaid does not pick up the extra.

I already have crippling medical debt; I don't need more. I'm scared they won't let me do any more tests or treatments if they see I am just letting it all go to collections & am not paying.

This could mean the difference between having a life worth living (to me) where I am happy & thriving & autonomous or being bed-bound & living a life of just existing from day to day & miserable & in pain & suffering & unable to do anything for myself. This is literally life and death for me because I wouldn't be able to handle continuing to live in the latter scenario. I cannot handle living like I am now. Knowing my treatments are progressing is what keeps me going. Knowing I can go into remission is what keeps me going. Knowing my future is one completely different from now is what keeps me going. But if I cannot have that and am destined to live in this current state, it's just not worth it. I don't know a person alive who would want to live like this.

Finally, my anger noodle needs to get to the vet for MULTIPLE things. Nothing is, like... life threatening or super immediate like his cancer was last year, but they're things that need to be addressed in terms of preventative care & to make sure he isn't in pain.

He needs his trachea checked, possibly x-rays for that, maybe more...

He needs some medication updates, needs a physical, needs a full groom & nail clip under anesthesia (for those who are not familiar with Echo, he has extreme fear-based aggression & usually gets this done under anesthesia; since I worked with him so much, he had his first non-anesthesia nail clip at the beginning of quarantine, but he has gotten worse during quarantine & with my muscle eating disease, I can no longer restrain him & don't have the physical strength to run a brush through his thicker fur as his winter coat is in, so I can no longer groom certain areas of him at home, so his tummy & back legs are matted & I fear he may need to be shaved... which breaks my heart since you don't shave double coat dogs unless medically necessary.), he needs a full physical, & needs to be checked over for MCT's.

He may also need a fecal test or something else, as he has been having odd bowel movements. 😥 His tummy has been upset lately.

I have been crying myself to sleep every single night & often during the day because I cannot get him to the vet. No, it isn't urgent or life threatening. But he is reverse sneezing more than normal & I worry about tracheal collapse, which is a common small dog thing & even MORE common in pomeranians specifically. Every time he has a fit, I think "Oh god, this is it. This is the time I'm gonna have to rush him to the e-vet & get slammed with a huge bill & he is not gonna be okay..."

It breaks my heart to see his legs & belly matted. He is horrible about letting me groom him coz of his aggression so he only gets a full grooms at the vet, but I do short grooming sessions at home with him nightly. Takes about 2 hours just to do the majority of one side of him (not even all of it; just most) coz he needs breaks & lots of praise every few strokes or he will tear me to shreds & hurt himself snapping on the undercoat rake. 😥

But now that my autoimmune disease has atrophied my muscles to the point holding up my phone without something to prop it up feels like I am lifting weights & tires my arms out with a lactic acid burn & pain, I can no longer groom him with the patience he needs & can only groom in 20 minute intervals at the VERY longest. By the time I have gotten one leg done during the week, his entire other side is matted. 😞 Matting on dogs---especially double coat dogs---hurts them. It's like if someone were to wrap your hair around their fingers & then pull it taut. It's a constant pulling pressure on their skin... it's painful & irritates the epidermis. I feel miserable feeling the matting on his back legs & tummy & now feeling the mats beginning to form on the rest of him. He hates me working them out, even with the detangling spray. I know it must hurt so much...

So he may need to be shaved at this point & that will destroy me. I feel sick thinking about it. But anything to get him out of pain. Maybe it is what's best for him while I go through this year of treatment & get my muscles back. But in order to do that, I need to get him to the vet.

The stress of not being able to get him to a vet is tearing me apart & literally making me physically ill.

He is my world. My everything. My #1. My heart dog. My priority in life. My entire universe revolves around him. I would do anything for him. Not a single person, animal, thing, etc, comes before him. It is KILLING me that I cannot provide proper care for him right now. I always always always make sure to sacrifice for him if need be & his things ALWAYS come first, even if it means I'm not eating or not paying bills or whatever. As long as he is taken care of & his needs & wants are met, nothing else matters to me. And right now........ I feel he is suffering because of my finances & the fact my treatment with building my muscles up is not going fast enough.

I cannot control the latter one, but the first one is something I can at least ask for help for. So that is what I am doing.

If anyone is in a place to help, these are my venmo & cashapp codes. I also have paypal.

💙 Venmo: @kqroswell

💚 Cashapp: $kqroswell

💜 Paypal: @kqroswell or [email protected]

If there is another form of payment you're thinking of, lemme know. I also have fb pay activated if you have me on FB (Killian Q Roswell).

Thank you to everyone who read through this & anyone who can help or reblog this. 💖

Sincerely,

Your v scared, struggling transman who really wants his bills/rent paid & his dog to go to the vet,

Killian 💞

Pain, with love IX

Pairing: Horacio Carrillo x reader

Summary: Arranged marriages are tough, but add that with having a drug lord on the loose? Horacio Carrillo can only imagine what’s coming for him. 

Warnings: mentions of blood, violence, angst, mentions of death, lots of crying 

a/n: Okay so I’m really sorry for being on hiatus for a loooong time and not posting fics </3 To those that still follow me and this series, thank you so much for waiting, it really does mean a lot. I hope you like this chapter as much as I liked writing it. 

6.1k words

Masterlist

Chapter 9;

The rain was pouring harder than before, masking the view of anything beyond four hundred feet, drowning out the gentle instrumental that played across the festival square. The air felt tense, holding an invisible burden that was no doubt weighing Horacio down - a silent reminder that death still awaited him. The breeze that came along with the rain was a stark contrast to the warmth in his arms, and as he pulled you closer, he reminded himself that anything he does after this moment would be done to save you. 

The night was far too gentle for what was about to happen and far too unforgiving to those that will no doubt fall victim to it. What would become of this night, Horacio couldn’t fathom - but all he knew that you were safe now in his arms. 

Still. 

Like a single piano note echoing in a large empty room. 

Though the rain was like a soothing melody on this cold night, there was a sense of dread that lurked in Horacio’s heart. 

What was to happen now?

It was him against who knows how many, with two soiled pistols to defend himself with. 

The risk. 

Was it worth it?

It felt like everything had come to a halt, and Horacio wondered if this was what it felt like when one was minutes away from their inevitable end. Time was moving slower than before, a funny situation that Horacio had always found himself in when danger lurked around the corner. Seconds was starting to feel like minutes, which was increasingly welcomed as he tightened his hold around you. 

The fact that you were here, with him, was a thought that comforted him amidst the chaos that would come sooner than he’d think. Never in his life had Horacio been so afraid to lose his life, now that he knew he truly had something to look forward to - you. 

The uncertainty of how the night would unfold was hanging above his head while the rain pitter-pattered against the granite grounds. Horacio found his mind muddled with thoughts on what was to come. 

If he died tonight, in a battle against the war on drugs, it’d be you he’ll last think of. 

Always you. 

Your cheek rested perfectly on his shoulder, finding comfort in the thick padding that was behind his uniform. The cool wind blew against your skin, a contrast to the blush that crept up your neck as Horacio continued staring into your eyes. His rough fingers grazed your soft cheeks, caressing the skin just under your eyes to wipe away the raindrops that ran down your temple. Your eyes were filled with utmost adoration that nearly broke his heart - how could you love a man like him, especially when his time was limited? 

Your love for him was unconditional, a bittersweet reminder that a man as broken as he was still worthy of love. Within the few months of knowing you, the pieces of him that had been left scattered around were put back together and mended - creating a person that Horacio was surprised had even existed. Your gentle smiles and big heart was what had made him whole, and damn anyone who would think that Horacio wasn’t willing to die for you at this point. 

On the night you tended to him, he had come home as a shell of a man - broken and vulnerable as he thought about how the war on drugs had taken more from him than imagined. The tough colonel facade wasn’t one he could uphold forever, and as you nursed him back to full health, he realized that he could finally be himself around you. 

The warmth from you changes me, he thinks, I am not afraid anymore because you’re by my side. 

The distinct sound of the tires against wet granite cracked, a noise that was no doubt getting louder as the vehicle sped faster towards the two of you.   

Horacio took one final glance at you, moving his large palm away from the small of your back to rest on his pistol. The smile shared between the two of you was genuine, and you marveled at the way his eyes were lit up from the streetlights that cast a gentle orange glow on his face. 

300 feet. 

Because you won’t let go of my hand, you’re saving my life. 

The fluorescent headlights pierced through the thick veil of rain, casting a beam that lit up Horacio’s body. He winced at the harsh lighting, instinctively coiling his other arm tightly around your back. Though the vehicle was barely visible in the heavy rain, Horacio could hear the engines roar, evidently picking up its pace towards him. 

150 feet. 

It was going to be too late if he didn’t act now. 

Without warning, Horacio held you firmly against his chest, diving towards the empty pavement that ran parallel to the road. Bullets whizzed past the back of his head as he collapsed onto the sidewalk, buzzing louder than the tires that slid on the wet floor. The shots were imprecise, with one grazing Horacio’s left bicep as he draped over your cowered body. 

Fuck!

Your heart was beating faster with each second that passed, unable to assess the situation that was happening so quickly. One minute, you were in the arms of your lover, confessing your love to each other, and the next - fearing for your lives. 

Was this how he felt whenever he left for work?

Did he feel the iciness in his blood overwhelm him, each time he was closer to death?

You averted your gaze to your husband, watching his jaw clench as he turned to look at the source of the gunshots. With his large palms carefully resting on your back, you managed to slip your arms out from his embrace, resting your hands gently on his arms. 

Despite the rain, your clothes hadn’t been soaked just yet, with only the back of your dress sticking against your skin. You felt an odd dampness that painted your fingers red, searing your skin as you gazed upon the liquid that smeared across your fingers. This was the telltale sign that whatever fight the two of you have been caught between, was no normal one. 

Your voice wavered, words choking as you barely got his attention, “H-Horacio, you- you’re bleeding.” You turned your right hand to study the blood that was now mixed with the raindrops. The thick liquid dripped down your palms and onto your wrist, imprinting the color onto your skin. Your heart rate spiked, and you could feel your head spin with whatever was happening. 

This wasn’t like that night. 

The two of you were crouching beside a red car that was parked along the walkway, and as your mind raced at what was to happen, the sound of tires came to a screeching halt. The high pitched sound was almost deafening, causing Horacio to instinctively tuck your head under his chin. His large palm covered your ear fully, and you could feel the warmth radiate off his skin. 

Amidst the rain that was visibly lessening, there were unintelligible shouts that came from the vehicle. The source of it was unknown to you, but from the look on Horacio’s face, you could only tell it wasn’t from someone good. 

Horacio’s hands were still wrapped around your back, eyes shifting quickly to assess his surroundings. His breaths were starting to get labored, with beads of sweat trickling down his temple. With each exhale he had let out, there was a cloud of mist that formed, illuminated by the streetlights.  

The rain had finally stopped, and the heat that remained was starting to get uncomfortable with each passing moment. You tried to regulate your breathing, taking short, deep breaths as your mind blocked out the continuous threats from behind. 

“You can’t run nor hide Colonel! You will pay for what you’ve done to me, I will kill you.”

Horacio could hear you suck in another breath, trembling in his arms as he thought of ways out of a situation like this. He moved his hand away from your face to gently hold your hand, pulling your attention away from the chaos around you. 

“Hey,” Horacio whispered, eyes filled with determination as he gently kissed your palms, "Whatever you do, I want you to promise me -”

Crash

The car windows above you shattered as the glass poured all over the two of you. 

Both of you ducked to escape the impact, finding tiny glass pieces littered all over your hair and shoulders. It glistened as the lights shined on them, creating a beautiful reflection that was a mixture of emerald green and tangerine. 

To find beauty in chaos; how ironic, seeing that this may ultimately lead to your untimely deaths. 

“Whatever you do, don’t leave this position,” Horacio’s eyes were now wide with fear, gripping your forearms roughly before moving over to fish out his pistol. You quickly brushed the loose strands out of your face and nodded, palms getting sweaty from the fear that engulfed you. Horacio leaned his back firmly against the wheel of the car, occasionally peeking out to check where the vehicle was parked. Each time his head turned to get a view of the truck, there was a shot fired soon after, accompanied by a peal of maniacal laughter that seemed to get louder with each gunshot. 

“Come out Colonel! I don’t want to hurt that pretty wife of yours, it’d be a shame if someone as weak as her were to be left defenseless.”

Horacio could feel his blood boil, fingers trembling as he loaded the ammunition into his pistol. His cheeks were now rosy, contrasting against his paling, sweaty skin as his anger heightened. The voice, low and croaky, was distinctively the man that Horacio had thrown in jail just a few months prior. As he took one last glance over his shoulder, he reminded himself that this fight was between the drug lord and him alone. 

His heart ached, and Horacio was once again reminded of the reasons he had turned away from your love the night you had confessed. 

Danger. Death. Blood. Fear. 

These were the things that inevitably followed behind him, like an inconceivable mass that floated around his being - sucking out the energy and joy from him. He didn’t want this for you, to shoulder his burden with him. He was a liability, he thought, that would create more pain than happiness. 

But that was never the case. 

Your presence in his life alone was like a beacon of hope, and he knew now that you were always his saving grace. How was it that one simple continuous act of kindness had saved him from himself? It dawned on him that on the very night he had come home from the raid, your stubbornness to treat and care for him was the first hit to the walls he had built over the years. 

Butterfly effect. 

Just as he was about to peek over the hood of the car, you forcefully yanked him back, feeling your heart hammer in your chest as you watched your husband eye you with surprise. “What are you doing?” Your panicked whisper had earned yet another gunshot through the window, missing you by a foot. You quickly let go of Horacio’s arm, covering your hands over your mouth to mask the surprised squeak that came after the loud blast. 

“Y/N, listen to me - please, I don’t want you getting hurt. I'll drive him away from this car, and I want you to run as far as you can, away from this place.”

“Where the fuck,” 

The car that was parked behind the one you sought refuge beside had its windscreen shot out and shattered. The impact alone had caused an explosion of glass pieces, some of which tore through your skin as it flew out. 

“- are you, Colonel? Didn’t take you for a coward that would hide in the face of danger!”

“Horacio, I won’t leave y-” The look on your face - the fear mixed with anxiety mirrored the feelings that were starting to manifest within him, but in a time like this, Horacio had to remind himself to be the stronger person for the both of you. Your fingers were once again wrapped around his forearm, fingertips becoming icy as the fear settled in you. 

You could lose him. 

“Please,” Horacio’s eyes were glassy, begging you to comply with his request as he made a plan to distract the drug lord behind him. “Please, my love.” 

“Just this once, I promise.”

You stared at the man you loved so dearly, feeling your heart break as you noticed a waiver in his voice. His Adam's apple bobbed as his eyes jumped around the features of your face. The man that you’ve always known to be fierce and courageous now kneeled beside you, begging for you to leave as he faced death once more. 

He could die today. 

And this would be the last time he’d see you. 

“Y/-”

His words were cut short by the kiss that practically took his breath away. You gently pressed your lips against his, feeling the plushness mold onto you. He tasted like mint, a candy you noticed he’d pop into his mouth whenever he was stressed or nervous. You cupped his warm face, brushing away the hairs that stuck against his forehead. 

Sweet. And far too short. 

Just like your time together. 

The tears in your eyes rolled down your cheek while your lips trembled as you pulled away from your husband. Your vision was clouded, with more tears dripping each time you blinked. You dropped your line of sight to look at Horacio’s large hands wrapping around your smaller ones, gently rubbing circles around your knuckles. With a soft chuckle, he moved closer to kiss your damp cheek, planting a soft peck before whispering in a hushed tone. 

“I love you.”

As soon as those words rolled out of his mouth, Horacio turned his back towards you, cocking his gun to point at the man before him. He had fired the first shot, which you could only assume was unsuccessful from the way he cursed under his breath. There was a series of bullets that came shortly after, firing through the empty car beside you. 

A faint smell of smoke was starting to fill the air, fueling the tension that was building up. Horacio tilts his head towards the end of the road, silently gesturing for you to run in that direction. The engines of the truck had started up again, with the loud vibrations from under the hood killing the silence. 

You took this opportunity to make a run for it, racing down the pavement as fast as you can. The streetlights were few and far in between, allowing you to hide in the dark and away from plain sight. The wind had caused the pooling beads of sweat to drip faster down your face, causing a slightly ticklish sensation while you ran away from the parked truck. 

“Wh-” 

The windscreen of the car beside you had shattered, naturally making you dodge as the loud shot echoed through the night. Your heart leaped out of your chest, catching itself in your throat as you fell against the wet cement sidewalk. The festival across the street was now deserted, for all the locals had fled the scene as soon as the first shot went off. The place was a complete ghost town, plagued by a sense of dread and eeriness and it was only heightened by the death that awaited you. 

Soft, up-beat instrumental music was playing on the speakers across the festival grounds, easing your nerves by a tinge as you scoured for a place to hide behind. A second gunshot was heard, accompanied by a piercing scream that rang in your ears. 

Horacio?

The screeching of tires came next, dragging across the wet roads to gain traction. There was no telling which direction the vehicle was moving, which led to you to hide behind the back of another car. Bullets were fired again, with the loud bang penetrating through the humidity. The truck had lost control of its back wheels, crashing straight into the wall next to the festival grounds. 

Smoke emitted from the hood of the truck, dancing with the wind that was a stark contrast to the scorching weather. There was a certain tension amidst the air, so thick that Horacio almost felt like it was suffocating him. The wound from his arm was bleeding out, soaking his uniform in a shade of dark red. The impact of the shot to his arm had led him to tumble backward, twisting his ankle in a manner that was less than pleasant. 

The sickening smell of death had lingered in the air, making him wonder if it was his that it was foreshadowing. With great grit and determination, Horacio hobbled across the road and towards the wrecked vehicle. With each step he took, there was a faint crunching sound that came with the pressure of his boots against the wet granite. 

Sweat trickled down his forehead, diluting the blood that painted the side of his face. He took a glance at you, studying the way you were crouched beside a car further down the street. Your breathing was regulated, as far as he could tell, and that gave him some peace of mind, knowing that you were okay. With trembling arms, he could vaguely see you hoist yourself up from the ground, staring straight back at him. 

The night had become eerily silent, save for the truck’s engine that gently hummed in a rhythmic beat. Horacio looked back at you, noticing the way your hair was in complete disarray. Your eyes were wide with fear, which barely subsided once you noticed the state of the truck after the accident. Horacio was a good 150 feet away from you, holding up his left palm as a gesture to stay back. You were now trembling from the cold rather than fear, watching the way your husband hobbled across the street towards the partially wrecked vehicle. 

You slowly crawled around the empty car next to you, kneeling just behind the boot to get a glimpse of what was to happen. Your dress was now completely ruined, with several holes and tears that littered along the hem and sleeves. You messily pushed the stray strands out of your face, leaning slightly to the side of the headlights to peek at the accident that had just happened. 

The back of the car was cold, further freezing up your fingertips as you positioned yourself properly so that only half your face was visible from the backlights of the car. With each step Horacio took, the next one came as a limp. It was clear that his right foot was injured, and you only prayed that it wouldn’t cost him his life at this moment. In his right hand was his pistol, cocked and ready to fire as he carefully stalked towards the vehicle. The truck was in your line of sight, giving you the ability to study the driver’s seat as Horacio continued moving towards it. There were faint movements that came from the dull figure, but as your husband crept next to the front door, you could slowly make out that the man was reaching out for something. 

Horacio propped himself up as he stepped on the mini step outside the door, peeking into the vehicle through the wind-down windows. Gacha, from a motionless state, had sprung alive - pointing a gun directly into Horacio’s face. Without a second to spare, he punched the drug lord’s wrists in an attempt to weaken the hold on the pistol. The action alone had caused the criminal to pull the trigger, firing a bullet mere inches away from Horacio’s face. 

The sound that emitted from the now piping hot weapon had momentarily caused Horacio to lose his hearing in his left ear. There was a constant and sharp ringing that stung, causing him to wince and throw his head back. This moment of vulnerability had allowed Gacha to butt the back of his weapon against Horacio’s right cheek. 

The flurry of emotions that evoked as soon as the pistol broke his skin had fuelled his wrath against the drug lord. The cut across his nasal bridge was long and deep, which had only come about after a soft crackling sound. Horacio’s nose started to bleed, painting his upper lip with red that saw no end. The anger that brewed from the pain had caused Horacio to retaliate - punching the other man right in the face. 

The blow was a hard one, filled with all the might that Horacio could muster from his injured right hand. It had momentarily knocked Gacha out, which was the window that allowed Horacio to drag him out of the vehicle and throw him onto the cold hard ground. The other man had fallen face first, with his face grazing the uneven road harshly. 

You have never seen your husband in such a state before - with eyes that fired up with anger, along with a stance that you knew meant danger. You were still crouched behind the car across the deserted street, shivering as you watched the situation before you unfold. The drug lord’s back was turned towards you, slowly backing away as Horacio stalked towards him. The streetlight shined perfectly onto your husband’s face, illuminating the wounds littered across his cheeks and nose. 

The atmosphere was one that you weren’t familiar with - thick and heavy with tension, along with the faint smell of gasoline that hung above you. You carefully shifted your weight onto your other foot, popping your head out from behind the tail lights to get a better view. With a gun in one hand, and blood soaking the other, Horacio looked more like death himself. The sight was utterly terrifying, and as you studied the way he circled the criminal with his weapon drawn, you couldn’t shake the feeling of dread that came. 

This wasn’t the man you knew. 

This wasn’t the man you fell in love with. 

You think back to the night he had come stumbling home, covered in bruises and cuts. The raid that he had conducted was successful, but as you watched him grit his teeth towards the drug lord, you wondered how much blood had stained his hands that night. His shoulders were squared, standing upright while positioning the gun at the other man’s chest. You always knew that his work would demand him to do such heinous activities, but never once did it occur to you that you’d live to see it happening before your eyes. 

The very same hands that held you as you cried to sleep were now seconds away from taking a life. Sure, the man who was sprawled before him was a despicable one without a doubt, but the fact that he could comfort you as easily as he killed was something you couldn’t shake off. You opted to remain silent, realizing it was best to blend into the night as your husband fulfilled his vow to keep the city safe from these criminals. 

To fulfill the oath he had taken when he donned the uniform that symbolized the protection of this country. 

With slow, deliberate breaths, you managed to regulate your heartbeat, feeling it return to normal as opposed to the thunderous hammering against your chest. The night was starting to become warmer, with the stars sparkling to create a magnificent view. There was an exchange of muffled words, ones that had you straining yourself to get a better hearing. You could tell that Gacha’s breathing was starting to become unstable, coughing up blood every so often. 

Horacio’s voice was stern and hushed, warning the man in front of him before moving his index finger onto the trigger. There was a hearty chuckle that came soon after, broken and loud as the drug lord internalized Horacio’s threats. 

“This isn’t the end Colonel Carrillo, like they always say - death is only the beginning.”

The man, with his palms laid flat against the ground behind him, had quickly reached out to something kept firmly against the back of his pants. Everything happened too quickly, and the sound of a bullet being fired had involuntarily made you duck. You had barely caught sight of what had happened, as it moved within a split second. 

There was a shuffle of uneven footsteps, with no particular rhythm as the scraping of the shoes’ sole dragged against the pavement. As you slowly removed your cupped hands away from your ears, you glanced up to see Horacio standing as still as a statue. His eyes darted across the ground, blinking slowly - almost as if he was registering what had happened. His face was starting to lose its color, which was increasingly visible as the warm orange streetlight cast its glow onto him. 

The weapon in his right hand had dropped, clanking against the ground as his eyes widened in horror. His knees were bent by a fraction, no longer carrying that confident stance he had just moments prior. With unsteady hands, his arm had moved up towards his stomach, mouth gaping as he firmly held his palms against his body. 

He stumbled back again, locking eyes with the drug lord as his breathing became labored. The next thing you noticed was the chortle that came from the man that laid across him, holding a smoking gun directed at your husband gleefully.

“You’re regretting this, aren’t you?” The pistol was directed towards your husband’s chest. The two men were standing a few feet apart, with Horacio’s face filled with defeat. You could barely hold in your whimpers, studying the way your husband’s body was slowly collapsing against the cold ground. Your heart was thumping in your chest, with blood turning ice-cold as you continued watching the scene unfold before you. 

You could run in to help him, to tackle the drug lord while his back was still faced towards you. But what good would that do? You were defenseless and weak, with nothing to fend yourself against a vengeful criminal. The weather was starting to get warmer, leaving no traces of the rain that poured an hour before. Your vision was slowly getting blurry from the tears that welled in your eyes. 

It felt like there was barbed wire wrapped around your throat, hindering your ability to breathe. Everything felt like it was suffocating you, with each breath you took hurting. 

Was this it?

To watch your husband die minutes after he confessed his love?

It was twisted - cruel, sickening, and twisted. Your whole body trembled as you muffled the sobs that choked out. With eyes burning and bloodshot, you strained to look at your lover - for it may be the last time you could do so. 

“Not even the slightest.”

Horacio’s broken words rang in your ears, forcing you to look up at him through your blurred vision. He was looking right back at you, forming the barest smile on his face as he continued clutching his torso. His eyes were locked with yours, filled with utmost adoration even as he stared death in the face. 

“H-Horacio,” your voice cracked, choking as your throat felt tighter. “Please.” 

Bang. 

You watched as your husband flew back from the impact, body crashing against the wet ground as the shot fired straight into his chest. His back scraped against the uneven road, creating a crackling sound that seemed to echo in your ears. You could hear his gasps for air, chest heaving from the force of the shot. 

Still. 

Like a single piano note that echoed in an empty room. 

What this night had turned out to be, wasn’t what anyone had imagined. As you crouched behind a car, you watched as your husband lived his last few minutes before death. Your fingers dug into the bumper, scratching against the metal until the paint came off. 

You couldn’t bear to watch, not when the final gunshot would no doubt be through Horacio’s body. “I love you,” you turned your head away, staring at the wet granite. You clutched the bumper tighter, bracing the loud gunshot that would pierce through the night. 

“What are you looking a-” 

Crack. 

There it was. 

A loud pierce that destroyed the silence of the night. 

The heavy sound of a body falling slammed against the ground. Your head instinctively curled into your arm, coiling into a ball and you sobbed against your sleeves. Your whole body trembled, heart breaking into pieces that tore you apart. 

This was it, he was gone. 

You haphazardly wiped your nose and eyes, getting rid of the tears that stained your cheeks. You were still in the way of danger, with Gacha on the loose. With no one left to fend you with, your only hope was yourself - and you had to think fast. Without looking at the area where your husband once was, you quickly grabbed your purse, struggling to stand up and move. 

You softly cursed yourself for wearing heels, realizing it wasn’t the best footwear to run in, especially when you were escaping a notorious drug lord. The clasp of the heels had come off rather easily, and you tossed them under the car before moving to crawl away from the line of sight. 

As your knees met the hard road, you could feel your skin pierce with pain - feeling the coolness of the ground draw blood from your skin. You had let out a soft gasp, trembling as the thick red liquid coursed down your leg. The gentle breeze did nothing but alleviate the stress you felt, causing goosebumps in its wake. 

You had almost reached the side of the car until you heard a soft gasp for your name. Grief-stricken, you shrugged it off as a figment of your imagination - not wanting to delude yourself into things that may slow down your escape. You continued crawling down the street, parallel to the accident that had just taken place. 

Your breathing was a mess, with a mixture of short and deep breaths that were knocking more wind out of your lungs. You heard it again - the hushed cries for you, laced with worry and sadness. 

It sounded like Horacio. 

You quickly wiped the snot that dripped down your nose, turning to cast a wary look at the truck. You were directly across that road, giving you the ability to see the whole scene between the gap of two cars’ bumper. 

Your heart plummeted as you caught sight of Horacio’s outstretched hand, reaching out to you as he called your name once again. His voice was now broken and lost, trembling as your name rolled off his tongue. 

Across him was the now still drug lord, sprawled across the ground in a pool of blood. The sight itself was horrifying, choking a loud gasp as you internalized what had happened. 

Horacio was still alive. 

His drooping eyes were fixated on you, watching you from the distance as he continued moaning out your name into the night. The gears in your head were shifting, unable to comprehend the scene before you. 

The bullet didn’t kill Horacio.

The bullet came from him.

His chest rumbled as he coughed out blood, shoulders trembling from the force. He was laying on the hard ground, barely propping himself up with the arm that was injured. 

“Y/—“ 

You didn’t have time to think, only knowing that your feet had carried you to him. Your mind was a mess, with none of your thoughts comprehensible enough to understand. Your hands hadn’t stopped shaking, dripping with blood that you weren’t sure belonged to you. Horacio’s breathing was labored and slow, heaving every so often. His temples were painted red, with his blood dripping along his hairline as he smiled weakly at you. 

You leaned in close to him, gently clutching his shoulder as you continued sobbing into his chest. His warm hand rested against your head, gently running his fingers along the side of your face. The same hands that pulled the trigger, were now comforting you as you anticipated what was to come. 

The irony. 

Horacio was a strong man, and as you saw the series of events that had unfolded earlier, you wondered if the weight on his shoulders was more than he had led you to believe. Did it plague his mind, of the blood that stained his fingers, of the men he had killed? 

Was he ever afraid that he might never make it out of this job alive?

You thought back to the night you cried into his arms, similar to how it was now. With unsteady hands, you fished out your phone from your purse, unable to dial the right numbers as tears fell against the device. 

“It- It’s going to be,” you glanced up at Horacio, watching blood drip down the corner of his lips, “-okay.”

You dialed the number for the ambulance, sobbing unintelligibly into the phone. Horacio’s eyes were starting to droop, unable to maintain eye contact with you as you provided the details to where you were. As soon as the other end hung up, you dropped your phone and cupped his face, smiling hesitantly as your thumb brushed off the thick red liquid that oozed from the cuts on his face. 

Horacio reached out to your hand, bringing it closer to his cold lips before planting a gentle kiss. The tears on your face had now flowed freely, and you hiccupped your pleads as he continued kissing your knuckles. 

“H-Horacio please, you can’t die. Please, not now- not right now.” 

Your cries were masked with broken sobs and choked tears, running your hands along his dry canvas uniform. You subconsciously stopped at the bullet hole, circling the tear in the uniform with your index finger. Your vision was once again blurry, mind muddled with thoughts on how you’d lose him any second. 

The blood on your fingers tints the military green shirt, soaking the relatively clean clothing. 

“W-wait,” your voice breaks, and you quickly wipe the tears from your eyes. 

“You-you’re, you’re not bleeding.” 

Horacio lets out a soft chuckle that quickly turns into a pained groan. With his dirty, wounded hands, he slowly unbuttoned his top, gently pulling apart at the buttons to expose the bulletproof vest that was donned on him. 

“You--” Your mind spun, unable to register what was happening. 

What the fuck?

“You fucking idiot!” Your cries were now louder, feeling a sense of relief wash over you. “I thought I was going to lose you.”

You gently pushed his arm away from you, still recovering from everything that happened throughout the night. You ran your hand over his uniform again, smiling with glee as you realized that he was going to make it. 

The night was cool now, carrying a comforting breeze that dried your tears. The air no longer carried the smell of gasoline, but with the faint smell of damp grass. Crickets from nearby trees chirped, returning back the sanctuary of the night. There was no longer the imminent threat that lurked around you, giving you back that peace of mind. 

You glanced back at Horacio, watching him look back at you with love and adoration. His grip on your hands tightened, rubbing comforting circles on the back of your palm as support. How the two of you had made it out of this alive, you couldn’t fathom. 

But despite everything, it only proved that your love was stronger than any force that reckoned with it. As Horacio brought your palm up to his lips again, he thought back to how you were always his beacon of hope. His person that he wanted to come back to. 

“I promised you that I’ll come back to you, didn’t I?”

His eyes were once again glassy, and he kissed your thumb as you brushed across it. The love between the two of you, though barely spoken about, was immeasurable. Another tear spilled down your cheek, and you silently thanked the heavens that your lover managed to make it out alive. 

What was to happen next was unknown to both of you, but you knew that together, you’d be able to overcome anything. You slowly nodded, voice breaking again as you agreed with him. 

“Yes,” you smiled, “ you did.”

Every year, I tell myself I'm going to make as many of my Christmas gifts as possible. And, every year, I fail myself, and end up spending a shit-ton more money than I EVER meant to.

This year is no different.

Seriously, why do I do these things to myself? I definitely agree with Dorothy's attitude in The Golden Girls:

"You see what this holiday has become? You see? Everybody thinks the best way to show someone you care is by going into debt."

This episode (2.11, 'Twas the Nightmare Before Christmas) had me thinking, recently. I've spent too damned much on Christmas. Again. And, it's really not the spending that even kills me. It's that I could make better quality items, in many cases, for less than I am paying through retailers. (If the items I purchase are handmade, and support small business, I have zero complaints to give myself).

Granted, I can't make everything, much as I would like to. My niece and nephew, I was going to buy the bulk of their gifts, anyway. And, while I didn't run myself into debt...

The hats I bought my niece? I could have made those.

The catnip treats I bought for family cats? I could have grown that catnip, and made them, myself.

The dog treats? Same damned deal.

Gramp's teas? With a little trial and error, those suckers would be simple to make.

Stuffed animals for the kids? You bet your ass, I could have made those.

I bought my Father garden markers for fuck's sakes. Garden markers.

I bought stockings for my dogs, which are... cute-ish, I guess? But, I still could have made them. (Yes, my dogs get stockings. Even my outdoor cat will get a little something. I have no children. Sue me).

Really. I could have done better. No matter how I slice it, I still spent $700 on friends and family. And, that's fine, it really is. So long as everyone enjoys everything, I'm fine with it. And, my family and friends are generally pretty happy with anything and everything they are given. (Genuinely, some of the most appreciative people in existence, so I really do luck out). But still, $700. Because I was lazy. Because online shopping was easier. I really hate myself for that.

I enjoy being creative, I really do. And, in the past, when I have set myself the goal of making instead of buying... Dude. I have learned how to do some many fun and interesting things. That's how I started making candles, in the first place. Part of the enjoyment of the holidays is in the making, as far as I am concerned (this includes decorations), and I keep taking that away from myself. I wanted to change up my tree scheme, this year, too, and what did I do? I bought $150 worth of stuff that - you guessed it! - I. Could. Have. Made. For. Myself.

This long-ass ramble has a purpose. It will now serve as my vow for 2022, that I will avoid traditional and online shopping, as much as possible, and instead create gifts for those on my list. Thoughtful, useful, high-quality gifts. I make candles and wax melts for a living. For. A. Living. (Yes, I hold an office job, but my 'side-hustles' do better for me than my eight-to-five). I read tarot. I crochet, and sew. I bake, and make spices, and hot sauces. I just bought a new workbench, for projects. I have plans to learn to make soap.

So not bragging. Sorry about that. I'm giving myself a shot of reality for what the fuck I should have been doing, this year. I'm going to set myself a reminder for November of 2022. God willing, I will have that to keep track of myself, throughout the Season of Giving Away My Money.

And, hey, if this sounds cheap of me? I can't help it. I have to find ways to be smarter about my money. Since losing my husband, I am down to one income, and I really need to figure out how to be a better adult about my spending. I get into the mindset of, "Eh. I can always make more money," when such may not always be the case. I have a house payment, and a car payment, two dogs, a cat, and all the happy bills that come with each element, just like so many others do. I just need to remember it, for myself.

I've also just sparked a very exciting idea. Stay tuned.

Onision on Kermit and Friends - Summary Part 2

((Edit: Sorry! I feel like I should have put a warning! A homophobic guest briefly shows up on the stream. If you want to skip that part, skip the first bullet.))

New fan comes on. James points out the fan's name says "Trumpster." The fan compliments his comedy. There is a pause. The fan asks how he's doing and James says "fine." The fan asks if the popularity was addicting when he was more popular. James says he's a work-a-holic. The fan says to prevent men from raping children they should go back to the Jesus days when they didn't allow gay people around children. He says you check by looking at their buttholes. He calls it "butt-hole challenge." He asks if James would pass that challenge. James asks if this is homophobic. He says he has a very gay only fans. He asks if the fan thinks your butt turns into Utah after you have gay sex. The fan says your booty hole will be like a can of coke. (I am so lost right now.) James says you push poop out of your butt every day and it doesn't make your butt like the grand canyon so he doesn't think gay men would have a gaping butt. He says it's a straight man myth.

Andy asks if James thinks he (Andy) is gay. James says he thought he was because that's how people portray him. Andy says he's not.

A guy comes on and starts ranting for a while. James uses his Onision Youtube account to say "What even is this" The guy is still ranting and James holds up a paper that says "WTF?"

The co-host comes back and says she was trying to be funny when she said the transgender thing. James says the documentary implied he made people turn out that way and that's not a thing.

The host asks if he feels he has no control when anyone can make a documentary about you. He says yeah, he feels powerless when a multi million dollar company portrays him as the next Charles Manson. She asks if it affects him emotionally. He says he's only sad for Kai, not himself. He says since 2007 he's said he would rather have 10 fans that genuinely like him than a million that don't really care. He says on his Discord he has a few people who genuinely want to be there so the rest doesn't affect him. He says when people were wrong about the meltdown videos being real, he knew they were wrong so why should that make him feel awful. He says it does present real life challenges.

The host announces Andy needs a bike to get around and needs money for pizza. She asks if Onision's offer for a bike was real. James says yes if he's willing to pick it up, but he's far away so he doesn't know if it's worth the trip.

The next gust comes on and says he looks like he's on with Jim Morrison right now. The host James this guy had 85 million views on a single video. The guy says he had 150. The host wants James to give feedback. They play the video. James asks if the goal is laughs or views. The guy says he just did it to annoy people. James says it's a funny idea and it was witty and he never would have thought of that. The host asks James if he should make more videos on a frequent basis. James says when he began they were not as good as that. The guest says the videos take a lot of time to make and he knows you need to make a lot. James says if it takes longer to make, people tend to notice how much effort you put into. He says he noticed when he puts in more effort or follows a trend it pays off.

Billy The Fridge joins. The host asks if Billy has a question for James. Billy says James followed him back on twitter that week, then James blocked him. James points out the last tweet Billy made about him from February. Billy said he made a joke tweet. Keemstar said Youtube is 16 years old and Billy said something about Onision and the age of consent. Billy says he thought it was funny and he asks James if it hurt him. James says his first thought was "what a dishonest prick" because everyone knows for a fact he isn't remotely interested in 16 year olds, but considering the position that he's in and that coming from someone he considered a friend was deeply annoying. Billy says he's sorry and he thought it was funny. James sarcastically says it's super funny to disown your friend the moment a bunch of dishonest people lie about them after he rejected them. Billy says he didn't disown him the moment- James says he was the first of his friends to be like "uh don't cancel me."

James says they had a text conversation where he described in depth how horrible of a friend Billy was because he didn't defend him and Billy's response was "yeah I know." Billy agrees, but says he defended him for years but one of his biggest defenses was that Sarah said nothing was going on between them, but when it came out it muddied two years of defense he had. James asks when what occurred? Billy says when it came out that he had sex with Sarah. James asks under what arrangement did that happen? Billy says Sarah came out and told the internet.

James says people don't know how it began. He says after he told her he couldn't do this with her, she said twice "I'm sorry for raping you guys." He says he spoke to her this January and admitted again that she said that. He says she leaves that out of every discussion because it doesn't go along with the "Onision is a psychopath" narrative. Billy agrees. James says it started through sexual extortion where somebody said "I could destroy your life if I wanted to" then later said "I'm only going to sign this agreement in which I won't say horrible things about you if you sleep with me." He says that's the arrangement she proposed to him. He says if he was interested in 16 year-olds why didn't he sleep with her when she was 16? Why did he tell her to get away from him and kick her out for being inappropriate with him 2 times? He called her names. She swore she was never groomed as an adult. She sexually extorted them, got what she wanted, got rejected when he freaked out, she apologizes, goes home, he makes a video about people with BPD, then she goes "ape" on him. He says she said in a live stream she never gave him a reason not to trust her, but now she can't do it anymore. He says this is why he knows this person isn't trustworthy because they would take something innocent and frame it a different way to fall in line with he obviously corrupt Chris Hansen.

He says during the call with Sarah, he asked if anyone was paid for the interviews and she said no. He asked if anyone made money because they were involved in the show and she said "uhh I can't legally answer that question." Billy laughs and says he got a contract from them. He says they were trying to fly out to sit down and interview him and he stopped responding because he could see the set up. He says they were struggling to keep the show together and they didn't have enough people to talk. He said he talked to the producer for an hour and a half of the phone and it didn't add up to him. He asks, what would he say anyway? James jokingly says he tried to fuck Billy so many times. Billy says he literally humped him on camera and everyone says he tried to rape him, but it was a joke.

Billy says they always joke and that's why he said the 16 thing. James says he was hitting him while he was down. Billy says James is always down. James says in the last 10 years he was the #67 most subscribed on Youtube, so he wouldn't say that was down. Billy says it's down when those videos of Shiloh come out and make him look like a psycho predator. James says actually everyone hated Shiloh for the longest time but they have selective memory.

The host asks if they could be friends again. Billy says he doesn't know if Onision wants to be friends with him and he doesn't know how they could go back with what happened. He says what happened with Sarah was why he had to step away from him. James interrupts him and says he became a white knight for women and didn't think if it was true. Billy said all he said was to listen to the girls. James asks why didn't he tell people to listen to evidence or to the person who has receipts? Billy says why not listen to all the people who want you in jail and you're not there? Billy says obviously James didn't do anything illegal.

Billy says the reason it was best to distance himself was because time and time again there were friends they had they James ghosted and made them feel worthless. James asks who? Billy says he's not going to name names. He says the last one had been at James' house for months, then James ghosted her when all this went down. James says the texts are on his website. Billy says he knows he posted them publicly and she felt like she was worthless. James says she publicly attacked them and acted like he and Kai should be in prison. James goes off about how great Kai is and keeps talking over Billy. James says apparently everyone is on good terms now and are friends again. He says they apologized because they threw Kai under the bus because they were ghosted. He said she was ghosted because the best friend Kai ever had just went public and tried to make them look awful so Kai was dealing with a trust complex. He just had his heart ripped out. Billy says that's why that person responded poorly, they had their heart ripped out by Kai's heart being ripped out. James says so Billy had one example and they have since resolved their differences and are on some of the best terms he's seen now.

Billy says there was another person who had a falling out with James who he heard went to lunch with James after. He says that was nice he made up with them.

Dispute Your Overdraft Fee with This Exact Script (plus how to avoid fees in the future)

Banks like Bank of America, TD Bank, Citizens Bank, and Wells Fargo are notorious for overdraft fees, and it’s B.S. 

Luckily, you can get your overdraft fees waived (using a simple negotiation script that we’ll provide for you) and beat the banks at their own game.

First, let’s take a super quick look at how overdraft fees really work and break down the exact charges you can expect:

What is an overdraft fee?

An overdraft fee is a charge from your bank that occurs when you take more money out of your checking account than what is currently in there. 

Rather than simply decline a transaction for insufficient funds at the point of sale, a customer enrolled in their bank’s overdraft protection service will see the transaction approved. 

Wow, really? 

This can be a lifesaver in emergency situations when money is needed and there aren’t sufficient funds available in an account.

Most people just pay the overdraft fees without thinking twice about it. They reason that if the bank or credit union was nice enough to let the transaction sail through when it really shouldn’t have, then I’ll pay it, it is what it is. 

But overdraft fees are a big problem for several reasons. 

Though the fee will vary from bank to bank, here are overdraft fees from a few of the most popular banks as of 2021:

BANK     OVERDRAFT FEE

Chase. $34

Bank of America.   $35

Wells Fargo.  $35

US Bank.   $36

PNC Bank.   $36

Citibank.   $34

These fees might not seem that high for rare, accidental instances occurring just a few times per year. 

However, these fees can stack up — and fast (and the banks know it).

One surprising fact is that overdraft fees are incurred per transaction AND can be incurred multiple times in the same day, 

So, say you are out and about shopping and using the same debit card. All of the transactions are approved — but you are blissfully unaware that there were insufficient funds in your checking account. 

This means that you would be charged separate overdraft fees for all of the approved transactions. This could be hundreds of dollars in fees all on the same day. 

Luckily, you can negotiate to get overdraft fees waived if you have the right scripts. That’s why we want to show you exactly how you can get your overdraft fees waived with a simple phone call to your bank.

If you’re worried about your personal finances, you can improve them without even leaving your couch. Check out my Ultimate Guide to Personal Finance for tips you can implement TODAY.

How to get overdraft fees waived

Here’s a truth not a lot of people know: All bank fees are negotiable and can even be refunded.

Remember: Your bank wants to keep you as a customer. A well-executed phone call can often make a difference.

Call your bank and use this script

Here’s how I was able to waive an overdraft fee I got years ago: He called up his bank and the conversation went like this:

RAMIT: Hi, I just saw this bank charge for overdrafting and I’d like to have it waived.

BANK: I see that fee. Unfortunately, we’re not able to waive that fee. It was [some BS excuse about how it’s not waivable].

RAMIT: Well, I’ve been a good customer with the bank for X years now and would still like to get it waived since this is a rare occurrence. What else can you do to help me?

BANK: Hmm, one second sir. I see that you’re a really good customer. I’m going to check with my supervisor. Can you hold for a second?

[hold]

I was able to check with my supervisor and waive the fee. Is there anything else I can help you with today?

And just like that, he got my overdraft fee waived. This script works so well for a number of reasons:

I repeated my complaint and asked the bank rep how they could constructively help me.

I’ve been a loyal customer to the bank for many years, which you should always use to your advantage when calling to negotiate.

I was polite but firm. Nothing can force a negotiation to go sour faster than a bad attitude.

You can use this exact script in order to get yours waived too.

And it doesn’t just work for overdraft fees — you can use this for other bank fees too, like processing fees, monthly fees, late fees, and even ATM fees.

What do you do if the bank says no?

There is always the chance they still say no to your request — and that’s okay. When that happens, there are three options you can take:

Be persistent

Banks pay hundreds of dollars in customer-acquisition costs and don’t want to lose you. If you’re persistent enough and make it hard for them to say no, you’ll have the upper hand if they try to shoot you down.

Hang up and call again

Sometimes getting your fee waived is a matter of getting the right bank rep on the line. If the first bank rep keeps shutting you out, politely thank them for their time, hang up, and dial the number again.

Pay the fee

You’re not going to win all negotiations. Sometimes you’re going to have to just pay the fee. BUT if you have the right scripts and prepare, you can be infinitely more ready than you were before.

When it comes to overdraft fees though, the best system is the one where you don’t have to worry about them at all. That’s why we suggest learning how to avoid getting hit with overdraft fees entirely so you don’t have to concern yourself with negotiating them away after the fact. 

How to avoid future overdraft fees

Prevention is better than a cure. So rather than deal with the consequences of overdraft fees, avoid them entirely with these four methods.

1) Opt-out of overdraft protection

When you sign up for a checking account, many banks try to convince you to sign up for automatic overdraft protection. It’s the policy in which the bank will cover you when you overcharge on your debit card, but charge you the overdraft fee for the trouble.

However, if you choose to opt out of overdraft protection, your card will simply get declined every time you attempt to charge more money than you currently have in the account.

Sure, it might be embarrassing if you’re on a date and it turns out you can’t pay for dinner because your card got declined — but it can go a long way in saving you money on overdraft fees.

TIP: Thanks to banking regulations put in place in 2010, it is illegal for banks to automatically enroll customers in automatic overdraft protection. Banks must give customers a choice to accept or decline enrollment.

2) Utilize account transfers

Some banks offer an overdraft protection service that works by transferring money from another account to the one you’re trying to take money from.

This can be from another checking account, a savings account, or even a credit card (depending on what your bank offers).

For example, say you’re using your debit card to buy dinner. Your debit card is linked to your checking account, which doesn’t have enough money in it. If you have an account transfer set up, it’s okay! If you’ve depleted the money in your checking account, money will just be transferred from your savings to cover the costs.

NOTE: Some banks charge a small fee with this practice as well — though it’ll be much lower than an overdraft fee.

3) Try the envelope system

This is a great system to help you keep track of your expenses for anything.

And it’s simple: At the beginning of each month, you allocate cash for things like going out, groceries, gas, and whatever else into envelopes. Once you’ve spent the money in those envelopes, you’re done spending for the month.

Of course, if there’s an emergency you can definitely dip into other envelopes — but that only means you have less money to spend in those areas.

You can set up your envelope system in three steps:

Decide how much you want to spend in each major category each month.

Put money into each envelope (e.g., $200 for groceries, $150 for eating out, $60 for entertainment).

Spend the money — but when the envelopes are empty, that’s it for the month.

You don’t even need to use physical envelopes. You can track your spending with a separate bank account and debit card while opting out of overdraft protection.

When the month starts, transfer around $200 into the account — and when you go out, only spend that money. Once the money is gone, stop spending.

Whatever system you decide to use, you just need to make sure to decide how much you’re willing to spend in each category (and that’s all up to you).

4) Get a new checking account

One great way to avoid overdraft fees entirely is to get a checking account with a bank that doesn’t have them.

My favorite: Charles Schwab Investor Checking

A few highlights:

No fees

No minimums

No-fee overdraft protection

Free checks

Deposit checks via pre-paid envelopes or via iPhone app (snap photos of your check — no need to go into the branch)

An ATM card

Unlimited reimbursement of any ATM usage

That’s right. There’s no-fee overdraft protection AND unlimited ATM reimbursement.

How often do you go out with friends and have to withdraw money from out-of-network ATMs? How often do you find yourself at a cash-only taco place at 3:30 am, needing to withdraw $20, but you hesitate because of onerous ATM fees?

Those fees can add up, and Schwab reimburses you for all of them. If you rack up $200 worth of ATM fees in a month, you’ll see a $200 deposit from Schwab before the month ends. This means you can use ANY ATM — corner stores, other banks, whatever — without having to look for some specific bank’s ATM.

Some people will balk at using Schwab because it’s an online bank. That’s fine, but we urge you to reconsider: It’s rare to find a checking account that (1) avoids screwing you at every turn, and (2) actually rewards you for using them.

5) Use a payment app

One way to ensure that your checking account does not get overdrawn and that the account does not incur overdraft fees is to use a 3rd party payments app, such as PayPal, Venmo, Zelle, or CashApp, and to connect the app to your checking account. 

So, if you pay for something with the payment app, and there isn’t enough money in the bank account that the app is connected to, then the transaction simply doesn’t go through — no overdraft fees, no problem.

These payment apps are convenient for P2P — paying your bestie back for paying for your Uber home last night — but generally cannot be set up to pay for bills or for in-store shopping. Because of this, they are limited, but they can be a great way to avoid surprise overdraft fees. 

Master your personal finances

Once you learn how to avoid getting nickeled-and-dimed by your bank, you’ll be well on your way to living a Rich Life.

And you don’t need any fancy get rich quick schemes or snake oil. All you need is determination and the right systems put in place to help you get the most out of your financial situation and not have to worry about living “frugally” (aka sacrificing the things you love).

In our Ultimate Guide to Personal Finance, you’ll learn how to:

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Dispute Your Overdraft Fee with This Exact Script (plus how to avoid fees in the future) is a post from: I Will Teach You To Be Rich.

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The Joker x Reader - “Ghost Driver” Part 2

When The Joker says you’re his, it means you’re essential to him because he needs your services for his own gain; it literally has zero affectionate connotations. Turbo is The King’s Ghost Driver and although she’s a legend, her life is far from perfect.

Part 1

Four Days Afterwards, 7:47pm

“Good evening, madam. I am tonight’s entertainment,” Frost blurs out as soon as you open the door and instantly regrets his pun. “Sorry, that was stupid to say,” he apologizes.

The reason why you look puzzled is not his joke, but another motive: you never saw Jonny wearing anything else besides a suit or military gear; the fact that he’s standing in front of you wearing a pair of shorts and a t-shirt is quite intriguing.

“Hi,” you move aside so he can come in.

“Did I wake you up?”

“I fell asleep watching a movie,” Y/N smiles at his comfortable attire. “No big deal. Did Mister Joker send you?” the subtle question indicates you want to find out the reason for his visit.

“No... I was just thinking… maybe we could… and it’s entirely up to you, no pressure… maybe you would want to go and watch the fireworks with me. I have food and sleeping bags, plus an ice chest with drinks in my truck.”

You seem confused.

“Mmmm, you know what? Forget about it. That was completely idiotic to suggest,” Frost realizes that asking a freshly divorced woman to get out of the house after she was kidnapped and starved into her ex’s basement only four days ago it’s not the most brilliant idea he ever had.

“You had me at food and fireworks,” you wink at his insecurity. “The drinks sealed the deal. I’m confused on one detail: do I have to change or can I come in my PJ’s?”

“PJ’s are perfect.”

“Awesome!” you grab the keys from the coffee table. “Where exactly are we heading?”

“Fire Creek Hill, it’s one of the best spots to enjoy the view,” Jonny replies.

“Isn’t that closed to the general public?” Y/N inquires and his logic makes you laugh while exchanging your socks for flip-flops.

“I doubt we’re considered the general public. I had to pull some strings though,” he admits, overjoyed you actually agreed to accompany him.

Not that he shows it in any other way besides the invitation he barely mustered the courage to extend towards The Joker’s Ghost Driver.

*************

9:03pm  

“Oh, it’s starting!” you excitedly nibble on your Alfredo pasta.

The first fireworks bloom in the distance and Frost opens the cooler, pointing out the goodies he salvaged from the liquor store.

“Pick your poison: we have a bottle of premixed margarita, wine, whiskey, tequila and…,” he fumbles around,”…try to contain yourself: water!”

“You definitely bought some of my favorites , including the food. How did you guess?” the bubbly Y/N smiles.

“I pay attention,” Jonny mentions. “So what’s gonna be?”

“Margarita please,” you hold the plastic cup and can’t help snickering as he pours the liquid.

“What?” he suspiciously bites on his cheek.

“Nothing really… I was imagining you without the beard,” you decide not to keep it a secret.

“Damn!” Frost snorts. “I had it for years; didn’t consider shaving because our employer would freak out. Stop giggling, it’s not funny! He totally would!” Jonny elbows you.

“I bet you have a baby face underneath all that facial hair; if you shave I can promise a new nickname will arise: Baby- Face Frost.”

“Shut up!” he chuckles at your quirky proposal. “Yet I can’t deny it has a certain ring to it.”

“See what I mean? It might work!... Oh my God, that’s a huge one!” you gasp, distracted by the sparkling night sky. “What are they celebrating? 150 years since this piece of crap town was founded?”

“Apparently,” Jonny sighs and watches Y/N bundle up in the sleeping bag.

“Thank you for the feast,” your tone changes to a serious one. “I didn’t have this much fun in the back of a truck in a long time. Go ahead, laugh!” you pout at his reaction. “I’m aware how it sounds like; I didn’t mean it that way!!!”

“Still funny as hell!” Jonny is getting a kick out of the conversation.

“Psst! Hey, Casanova!” The Joker’s mop of green hair pop up from behind the car’s high railing.

“Mister Joker!” you get startled by his unexpected presence.

“Boss, what are you doing here?” Frost utters in disbelief.

“Why aren’t you answering your phone, huh?” J ignores his henchman’s inquiry.

“It’s in the glove compartment, sir. I’m enjoying the…”

“Pardon me for interrupting your date,” The King of Gotham huffs.

“We’re not on a date,” the attempted explanation gets cut short.

“Sell it to whoever wants to buy it,” The Joker growls at Jonny’s words. “I had to follow the signal from your cell and trace your location; what a marvelous bonus to find my Turbo also!”

The eerie grin makes you finally speak up:

“Do you need help with anything Mister J?”

“Do I?” he plays dumb. “Probably.”

Why does he have to ruin the night? Frost reflects, annoyed.

Nobody knows, but if he could spend ages in your company, he believes it would be an eternity well spent.

And The Joker had to ruin it.

Goddammit!

“Can you patch me up?” J takes of his jacket, revealing a blood stained shirt.

“What happened?” you and Jonny jump off the vehicle.

“I got myself in a little bit of a situation,” he grumbles. “It’s a clean wound; the bullet came out on the other side.”

“We should take you to the doctor, boos; you need stitches!”

“Thanks for your concern, Doctor Frost,” The Joker sassily remarks. “I’ll go in the morning.  I have more important matters to take care of tonight.”

You peel off his garment and assess the damage; he can’t hold it in:

“I bet you wanted to do this after I texted you my nudes, huh?”

You have to admit he caught you by surprise with his statement and the best solution in this situation is to cooperate:

“Been dreaming about it quite often.”

“Ha! I knew it!” The Clown cracks up. “Were you dreaming about it during your date?” he teases more.

“We’re not on a date,” you frown at the blood gushing from his wound.

“Interesting,” J expands on the subject. “At least you two have one thing in common: you’re both delusional.”

Frost rolls his eyes without J noticing and you signal him:

“Can I please get the whiskey? I need to disinfect this.”

“You have whiskey on your date?! Excuse me, non-date,” his majesty’s obnoxious temper emerges again.

You don’t engage for the moment, just open the bottle that Jonny gave you and splash a generous amount on the laceration.

“Jesus Christ!!!” The King shouts. “Be gentle woman, I’m fragile!!!”

“Sorry Mister J,” you mutter and Frost is certainly approving your tiny revenge scheme. “Can you please turn on the lights on your car? It’s getting dark and I can’t see what I’m doing,” you address The Joker’s sidekick. “Do you have a first aid kit in your vehicle Mister J?” you gesture towards his SUV parked a few feet away.

“I should,” a demented smirk flourished on his lips. “In the trunk!”

“Take a seat in the grass Mister J; I’ll go get it,” you urge the patient.

“Boss, are you sure you don’t want me to take you to the doctor?” Frost offers and instead of obliging your request, J pursues your steps because he doesn’t want to miss Turbo’s reaction.

“It’s fine, I’ll survive until morning time.”

You lift the trunk and gasp, stunned: your stellar ex-husband is tied up in there, duct tape over his mouth, clearly enjoying the repercussions of a confrontation due to bruises you can discern at a first glance.

“Oops, forgot about him,” The Clown yawns, bored.

Adam starts wiggling and mumbling whilst you can’t react.

“The fucker shot me!” your employer hisses. “Had the nerve to try killing me when he’s the one sleeping with MY girlfriend!”

“What’s the plan, sir?” Jonny intervenes, worried at your stunned attitude.

“The plan is simple: since Y/N is intimately acquainted with our guest, I’m willing to work out a deal. I don’t wanna to be accused of not listening to my associates.”

Adam keeps struggling and you finally reach and remove the duct tape.

“Honey, honey please!” he immediately rambles on, panicked. “You know I was joking about your weight, right? You don’t have to lose a few pounds! I admit locking you up in the basement was a huge mistake, ok? OK…? I’m sorry! I swear I’ll never cheat on you in the future. We can work things out, can’t we?” a glimmer of hope alleviates the somber perspective of his imminent demise once you begin searching his pockets.

He has the false impression you’ll untie him when in the matter of fact you are hunting down for his house keys so you can reclaim all the items you bribed him with when he signed the divorce papers.

Bingo! Treasure attained.

“So do you know him or not?” The Joker taps his fingers on the cold metal of his gun.

You take a deep breath, place the duct tape on Adam’s lips and sneer:

“I never saw this asshole in my life!”

“The lady has spoken!” J slams the trunk, unnerved. “Frost, you can go home; Y/N will take me to the warehouse on 8th street: she can borrow a car from there and split. I’ll send someone in the morning to bring it back.”

“Boss, we can leave your SUV here and I can drive you both…”

“DID I STUTTER?” The Clown growls, unhappy with Jonny’s shenanigans.

“No sir.”

“Mister J,” you distract his menacing temper. “Do you want me to bandage your injury now?”

“Nah, you can do it at the warehouse.”

More fireworks illuminate the skies and none in the small group is watching them anymore: the show is over for everyone involved.

You wave at Frost and hop in The Joker’s car as he positions himself in the passenger’s seat; you can tell something is off, besides the obvious of course.

If you’d have to speculate, you would say that his behavior is of a man who wasn’t hurt just physically, but on a different level he doesn’t understand yet: J went after your ex-husband alone when he doesn’t take unnecessary risks; enough proof to indicate he loved Ella and sought revenge for her betrayal without any of his team’s help.

You wonder what he did to the woman: did he kill her? Or worse?... You won’t dig to find out regardless.

The truth is you are The Joker’s Turbo and the statement works in reverse too: he is your Joker who undeniably needs cheering.

And you always deliver. That’s why you’re his.

That’s why you appreciate he made an effort to compromise on Adam’s predicament even if he didn’t mean it.

You steadily drive on the trail until you arrive to the main road, then suddenly accelerate with a specific purpose in mind. You take a sharp turn on Morrison Avenue, already at 100 miles per hour.

“What are you doing?” J bitterly enunciates.

“Why am I your Ghost Driver Mister Joker?” you reply with a question.

“Nobody can catch up with you.”

“Yup, the car to catch up with me hasn’t been assembled. Here they are, Gotham’s finest!” Y/N boasts at the lights glistening behind. “They always have a nightly patrol on Morrison Avenue ready to catch law un-abiding citizens,” you exclaim and J’s smirk widens at your proposition. “What do you say we make them work for their donuts, hm?”

“That’s my girl!” The King gives his blessing while Turbo speeds up the street in a frenzy.

************

11:58 pm

You barely returned to you apartment after the random factors which cut your rendezvous short when the cell chimes: a message from Frost.

“Did you make it home safe?”

“Yes,” you text.

“I’ve been busy. Wait, I’ll send you a picture.”

Downloading picture…

“Holy… shit!!!!!” you yell at your phone because the image depicts a portrait of a freshly shaved Jonny Frost.

“Do you like it?” the sentence appears on the screen concomitant with a knock at the main entrance.

“Who is it?” you drag your feet on the carpet.

“Me.”

As soon as you are standing in front of him, Frost hides his nervousness the best way he can; and he’s not a nervous individual per se.

“I thought you might want to take a closer look…,” he enters the hallway and you slowly lock the door behind him.

You don’t say anything, just touch his face and he pecks your wrist, confessing a secret he kept bottled up for years:

“Do you know I’ve been in love with you from the first second I saw you?”

Y/N doesn’t have to calculate in order to whisper:

“That’s a long time.”

“What’s the verdict?...“ Jonny insists. “You approve the change?”

“Yes,” you kiss him and he holds you tighter, thinking that if he could spend ages in your arms, it would be an eternity well spent.

 Also read: MASTERLIST

You can also follow me on Wattpad and Ao3 under the same blog name: DiYunho.

Enforcer! Ginoza Nobuchika X female reader [NF NSFW]

~Your point of view~

It was time to roll out. A high crime coefficient was picked up by the scanners and we were to deal with it. The van which we enforcers were seated in started to move, driving towards our destination. I stare in front of me, looking down at the trucks floor. On my right sat Ginoza and my left was Karin. I sigh and look at the other three in front of me. I was new but it was already my tenth time out on the field. The inside of the truck was silent until we arrived.

The truck comes to a stop and the back opens with a sound like when you open a can of coke. Ginoza stands up and walks out, I follow after him with Karin behind me and the other two. I follow Ginoza to Akane, as we stand around her. Mika looked us over again like always and seeming to scoff at seeing me. For some odd reason she never did like me but I never knew why. Maybe I had done something to her, maybe she just plainly didn't like me. But all I know is that she hated me for being below her. It wasn't my fault I was given this option or be locked in a cell for the rest of my life. Not everyone can control what the Sibyl labels them as. Ginoza looks calmly over at them with his grey steel eyes.

"We have a high crime coefficient alert. The street scanners tracked him as he ran off into this building block." My mind wanders, this sounded exactly like my first time on the field. I look around at the people I'm working with. Eyes stalling on my boyfriend Ginoza. His black hair tied back was slightly messy, his silver eyes were sharp and cold as he took in the information Akane was saying. Even his clothing fitted him well.

They all lift their wrists up looking at the small screen to see who our target was. Of course I wasn't paying attention but all I basically had to do was follow the detonators. It was a sad way of life if normal people actual thought of it, chained to something that is ultimately trapping them.

We all lived by the system, telling us the best way to be happy and how we could live a fulfilled life. Does anyone really think that we are having a life? "Let's move out!" Akane orders.

"(Y/n) follow behind me." Ginoza states, running after Akane as the others go to run around the building.

I could almost sigh in relief at being on Ginoza team. I start to laugh at the mere thought before Ginoza gives me a small glare as we follow in after Akane. I roll my eyes and direct the denominator around me, seeing if anyone was there. A voice comes from Akane's earpiece, "Shepard 2 to Shepard 1, we found the criminal, what do you want us to do now?"

"Send us your location and we'll trap him before shooting him. Stay out of sight." Akane orders, her tone different than when we are back at the office. She changes directions and runs to the left of the t-junction, heading towards the other group. Ginoza and I just stayed by her side, our denominators pointing down every ally in case another latent criminal was there.

"Keep it up (y/n), your doing a great job so far." Ginoza praises as we finally reach the other group, we crouch behind some random items, Akane behind two barrels, Ginoza behind a pile of steel beams and myself behind the corner of the wall.

"Shepard 1 to Shepard 2," Akane states in a whispered tone to her bracelet, "We are in position."

I move up to Ginoza hiding behind the beams for a better sighting. "We have a hostage situation, we'll end up shooting both of them." Ginoza mutters looking a head of him where in the distance the shaking figure of a man can be seen with a more crouched figure on the floor.

"Mmm." I hum, thinking about the different ways we can take it. "We can't afford any rash decisions or the hostage will be put at risk."

Akane stayed behind us listening as we conversed the different tactics, repeating our ideas to the other team. "Shepard 2 to Hound 6." I almost jumped at the sudden interest the new inspector was taking in me. "I need you to silently get behind the criminal and shoot, making sure to leave the hostage alone unless the denominator says so." It was ordered of me.

I tch, this was a bad idea. If I as much as reveal myself away from here than we all are revealed meaning he knows our positions. "Yes ma'am." I say, ending my end of the call, "Akane, Gino, is it a good idea?" I ask, wanting to confirm my suspicions.

"They can't shoot from where they are, either they have been revealed or their in an awkward spot." Akane states, thinking through as well, "Do it."

I narrow my eyes, this guy was dangerous, his crime coefficient was crazy high and I was being sent in alone. "Stay safe, I'll cover you." Ginoza whispers, patting my back. I just nod my head, trying to ignore the heat rising to my face. I was acting very unprofessional for something I'm just about to do.

I sneak along the wall, pointing my denominator at him, waiting for him to be within range. "Crime coefficient 326, weapon recalculating, lethal denominator being used." Damn, I really hated using lethal denominator, I was fine shooting but I had a weak stomach when it came to seeing them explode like that.

"Aim carefully and pull the trigger." The robotic voice of the system spoke. I take a shaky breath, his guy was insane, nothing was going to help him on. I squeeze the trigger and let it shoot the guy, the deadly energy used running from his middle back upwards, expanding the skin and muscles outwards until they exploded, covering the hostage and the walls with pieces of himself. His lover half sunk to the floor as the hostage cry's out.

A young boy. A young boy had been taken hostage, I really hope his coefficient wasn't too high, nor his hue clouded. I hear the footsteps of Ginoza and Akane running up behind me but before they can reach me I sprint forwards to the young boy, his cries reminding me so much like my younger brother's.

I read the small figure curled upon the ground covered in blood and kneel. I look forward and just see the other team up higher, no wonder they sent one of us in cause the angle was too much. I shrug my jacket off and take the handkerchief I always have on me out of one of the pockets. I lean over the boy and start to wipe his face clean of blood not bothering to check his crime coefficient.

"Hey shhh. Little one." I mutter, dropping the handkerchief behind me, "Your safe now." The rest of him was bloody and his (h/c) hair was mattered. The boy whimpers so I wrap him in my jacket and cradle him on my lap, rocking back and forth to calm him. "You're alright. You're safe." I mutter over and over as Ginoza comes to stand in front of me, pointing the denominator at the kid.

"Rui (l/n), crime coefficient 156, paralyzer denominator will be use." The system speaks, sending shocks through my body.

"Rui oh Rui." I mutter, "Don't worry, big sister will look after you, nothing will hurt you again." I glare up at Ginoza hoping he doesn't squeeze the trigger.

"Aim carefully and shoot the target." I quickly turn my back to Ginoza, "(y/n) (l/n), willing enforcer, paralyzer denominator will be used."

"(Y/n), I know how much this hurts but we have to do it." Ginoza states, keeping the denominator trained on me. "Your crime coefficient is climbing higher than it's been in the past, you've broken into the 300's"

"Yours did as well when you saw your father murdered, it makes sense for mine to as well!" I shout, stress and worry building up inside me. Rui started crying again so I rocked back and forth making shushing noises to quieten him down. "He's only seven for god's sake. He can't do no harm."

"That doesn't matter." It was Mika this time, her voice cold and harsh as if she had no heart.

"He's stressed and tired okay, see check again." I growl as I turn around part way, allowing the denominator to catch a hold of his coefficient.

"Crime coefficient 150, paralyzer denominator will be used." The system states, making Ginoza narrow his eyes and tighten his fingers over the trigger.

I growl lowly, “You pull that trigger and I will never forgive you.”

"I see you two have some thing to sort out." Akane finally speaks up, deciding to reach the two of us. "Now (y/n)." She addresses me, “We have to use the denominator on him.”

I stand up, clutching him against me, “No. He's my brother. I'll take the fall for him. Leave him alone!”

Akane sighs, “(y/n), you will be punished for doing this.”

“Like I care.” I shot back, “I've been locked up my whole life, no way am I allowing my brother to have that same treatment.”

“Very well then.” Akane thins her lips, “Let's go.”

I carry Rui, unable to let go of him. I lean my check against his bloody hair and hum quietly, not just for wanting him to relax and go to sleep but also for myself to calm down. “I have to return him.”

“I'm sorry (y/n) but I can't let you go to your family. They have to come to the department to collect him.” Akane apologizes from the front.

"(Y/n) I want to come with you and see your family." Ginoza suddenly speaks up as we walk back.

Akane, speaking with the other team over call ignores our conversation completely. "I'll let you return him personally.”

“Thank you Akane for letting me return him to my family." I thank.

Akane just nods as we walk forwards in comfortable silence. We regroup with the others and Akane tells them what we're going to do before the three if us piling into her car. This was easier for us as we had to go to the lobby while the others went underground. Rui fell asleep by the time we got onto the road and so I took this as a chance to ask Ginoza a question that was on my kind, "Why did you want to come?"

"I cannot reveal that just yet, you'll have to wait and see til we get there."

I scoff, "Well it's going to have to wait until I get Rui cleaned up." I state, focusing on my little brother sleeping.

Ginoza mutter something under his breath but I pay no heed, focusing on cleaning Rui up as best as I can. I could hear Akane in the background on the phone contacting the department and my parents..

The car slows to a stop, "(y/n) we're here." Akane says, opening the car door and exiting.

"Here let me carry him.' Ginoza offers, standing by the open car door. I look up from Rui and at Ginoza who patiently waited for my answer. Sighing I hand Rui over, exiting the car after Rui.

“Your parents will be here in 10 mintues.” Akane informs me as she leads us inside, her car locking and cleaning itself automatically. The lobby was the same as usual, some couches, a desk with workers and the elevator. We sit on the couch, Rui being laid down with his head on my lap and myself leaning against Gino, Akane sat across from us. “(Y/n), I fear you may be returned back behind bars.”

I furrow my eyebrows, confused as to why. “Is this because of Rui?” Akane just nods, “But it would depend on the system right?”

This time Akane shakes her head. “This is your last time on the job. After this you'll be returned because you are a threat to the system.”

“And all because I wouldn't let Rui get shot.” I sigh, it wasn't like I didn't expect this. After all, I was dangerous from the beginning. “Well, it was nice working with you Akane, and you too Gino.”

Gino didn't say anything from beside me beside putting an arm around my shoulders and bringing me in closer. Akane just hums, “It should only be for a short while, I'll see if I can get you a short time as you're a valuable asset on a case.”

I smile at her. “Thank you.”

"(y/n)!" The familiar voice of my parents reach my ears. Turning around I greet their tear stained faces.

"Mum. Dad." I stand and walk over to them, Akane trailing behind with Ginoza. "How are you?"

"Rui's missing, he was taken when he was walking home!" My mum exclaims, clinging onto my arm, "You have to find him."

"Mrs (l/N)," Akane speaks up, bowing besides me.

My parents bow in return before she next speaks, "Are you the inspector our daughter speaks of?"

Akane smiles at me so I look to the ground, not willing to agree nor confess that I had been telling my parents everything. Akane just laughs and smiles, "You have no need to worry, (y/n) found him already." Ginoza stands beside me holding Rui in his arms gently.

"Here you are, he's safe and sound asleep." Ginoza steps over to my dad and hands him over."

"Oh Rui..." My mum sighs, stroking his hair out of his face.

“Thank you, but how did you know?” Dad asks as we all take a seat, "We would also like to get to know the people working with our daughter."

Akane smiles gently, "It was (y/n)'s instincts really, before any of the detonators knew she did."

Mum smiles her knowing smile, “That was always (y/n)'s thing, being able to know who someone was after meeting them.”

Akane nods, after seeing me in the field she knew it was true. After all, too much passion puts you under lock and key.

"Your family is nice." Ginoza mutters, lost deep in thought, "I'm glad a nice family brought you up."

I chuckle and lay a hand on his shoulder, "My family is yours if you need somewhere to come to." I say, even though I know full well we can't leave the MWPSD without an inspector.

Ginoza sends me a weak smile before looking at my smiling parents talking happily with Akane., "Okay, and also when we get back meet me in my room."

"Okay." I say with a smiling, hoping that it's to say what I hope.

I can hear my mum doting over Akane, most likely hoping to make a good impression.

"Okay mum, dad." I say, focusing my attention on the two who brought me into the world. I was always happy that they still loved me after everything I had put them through. "These are my co-workers and who I hope I can call friends." I nod my head at each, "Ginoza here has been looking after me and Akane here making sure I don't fall into any trouble."

"So your the man who our daughter has spoken of so fondly, When we talk she never seems to stop talking about you." Mum exclaims, making me blush a bright red.

"Mum!!" I whine, not wanting Ginoza to find out.

"I'm glad she has someone beside her like you to look after her." My dad speaks, seeming okay with Ginoza, "But don't go breaking her heart whatever you do." He threatens.

"I can't think of such a thing, she is a good enforcer, and someone who I want working beside me." He praises, wrapping an arm around my shoulders and pulling me against his side.

Akane's bracelet starts to ring, signalling that someone's calling, "Excuse me for a moment, I need to take this." She stands up and makes her way outside. A comfortable silence fills the room with breaks of idle chatter, "We must be on our way now, thank you for coming to pick up Rui Mr and Mrs (l/n)."

"There's no need to thank us dear, we should be thanking you for keeping our daughter out of trouble." My parents wave of her thanks, being supportive of my choice after the accident happened. "And it's nice to know our daughter other half too, we hope to see you two again sometime with some good news." Mum winks at me and Gino, hinting at something that I didn't want to know.

"Bye mum, bye dad." I hug the two of them goodbye, "Say bye to Rui for me." I wave goodbye to them as I watch them leave, like every time I had seen them.

"Lets head back." Akane says, standing up and ushering us into the elevator. We made our way up, idle chatter filling the elevator as well as chatter about some of the cases we have yet to close. Upon reaching the floor we split, Akane going back to our department office to finish some work while Ginoza went off somewhere else. I was off duty for the mean time and so had some time to spare before Ginoza came off duty.

I wonder up to the restaurant and sit down at one of the tables overlooking the city. It was a beautiful sight but it could be made even better if Ginoza was sitting with me. "What would you like to order?" A waiter asks, suddenly appearing by my side.

"I'll just have (f/d)." You say, hoping to have dinner with him.

The waiter bows before heading back into the kitchen to tell the chief. Moment later he comes out holding a tray with my drink on it. It looked strange. My lone drink on a large tray without anything else. It felt like it was showing what was happening to me right now. "Here you are." The waiter places the drink down on the table before leaving to go back into the kitchen.

"Hello (y/n)," The deep voice of Ginoza floated into my ears.

I turn around in my chair quickly, watching Ginoza take the chair in front of me. The candle in the middle of the table created shadows on his face as he looked back at me. His eyes narrowed as he studies me. He nods his head and smiles gently, his cold exterior disappearing once it's only the two of us. "So you did make it." I mutter, smiling back at him. He finished earlier then he said he would.

He nods his head, "I can wait til you finish your drink though." He suggests, folding his hands in front of him.

I nod my head once as I sip the drink, curious about what he wants to do. I was sorta hoping that it might be that. 'But if it wasn't than would I have take dominance if he didn't want it? Or maybe he did and be was just covering it well? I don't know.' I huff, glaring towards my drink. A dry chuckle leaves Ginoza's lips as I look up, finishing the drink.

"Follow me." He says somewhat coldly, yet still with warmth in his voice. I smile up at him and bound along beside him, wonder what he had planned for the two of us.

As we enter his apartment within the MWPSB, his Siberian husky Dime comes to greet us, his tail wagging friendly as he barks his greeting. Laughing joyfully I sit down, rubbing my hands along Dime, "Hello boy," I coo, hugging the dog. "How have you been boy?"

All I get in return is his barks of joy as I laugh from him licking the side of my cheek.

"Come on Dime, let (y/n) up." Ginoza asks, patting the couch for him to jump on to. "That's a good boy. Now (y/n) follow me to where tea will be served."

~Time Skip~

I sat at the table laughing as Gino cleaned the dirty plates. He finishes and the draining of water is heard as Ginoza wraps his arms around me, resting his cheek on the top of my head. "So what's so special about today Gino?" I ask, smiling and relaxing into his arms.

"It's our six month anniversary and I want to show you something." He places a chaste kiss to the top of my head before taking my hand and letting me stand up before leading me to his bedroom. "Wait here." He let's go of my hand and enters his bedroom, sitting the door and blocking my view. After a few mintues I hear his voice. "Come in."

Opening the door I could've dropped dead. The room was dark and lit by several candles. In the dim light I could see a heart shaped bed with red rose petals scattered all over it and on the floor. Laying on the bed like the god he's built like is a shirtless Ginoza. My jaw drops as I scan his shirtless body. Sure I had seen him shirtless plenty of times and sure we had done it a couple of times before, but it was nothing as romantic as this. He seemed to of pulled out all the stops for this one night.

"Wow." I sigh, watching his muscles ripple as he sits up, gesturing me to walk closer. Once I was within arm reach he wraps an arm around my waist and pull me in quickly. Making me fall on top of him as his back hits the bed, our lips connect and an explosion of colours happen. It was heated and lust filled. We gasped for breaths many times during the kiss, not being able to get enough of each other.

He breaks the kiss off, touching our noses together he smiles, "You won't ever forget this night." He mumbles, kissing me again. This time is was calmer. Almost like a cool breeze on a hot summer day. Our lips hit gently and run along each other as our tongues prob the other's, tangling and twisting in a dance neither of us understand. It was like the world just fell away all that was there was Gino.

Sighing happily into the kiss I let my fingers trail along his chest and muscles, tapping here and there and rubbing in other places. Opening my eyes I look down at him, breaking the sweetest loving kiss off far too early. I rub a thumb along his cheek bone, gazing into his eyes. I realize just how much I love the man underneath me. My heart swells with love at each gaze, even the simplest touch sends electricity running through my veins.

"I love you Gino." I smile, rubbing our noses together and entangling our fingers and legs.

Ginoza smiles back, laughing a small bit. His attitude was different from his serious work attitude. He was caring and loving and just what any girl wished her boyfriend to be. "And I to you my love." He places a kiss to my jaw line, his fingers leaving mine to play with the hem of my shirt.

Sitting up I take my shirt off, before smashing our lips together, knotting his hair around my fingers. Oh how I truly desired this man. If it was a sin to love a man like this than I would be a proud sinner.

"Ginoza~" I moan, enjoying the kiss with him.

His hands come up my back and snap the back of my bra, pulling it away from my body without breaking the kiss. His next step was my pants, which came off with no effort. Panting I break the kiss, gulping air down like a fish out of water.

His hands trail along my hips and stomach, tracing patterns and making me giggle softly. I get to work on his pant's buckle, taking his belt off and unzipping his pants I drop them to the floor with my clothes. Almost near naked we both attack each others lips again, his hands exploring my body and squishing my breasts and pinching my sides and insides of thighs, wanting every desirable noise he can get out of me. Grinding his pelvis against mine I can feel how hard he had became in this short amount of time.

Breaking off the kiss once again he flips us over, kissing down my jawline and to my collarbones, nipping at the skin just enough to leave a mark that shows others that I'm his. My fingers dig into his shoulders as his lips enclose around one of my nipples. I start to get wet as my need for him grows.

Maybe it was how the room was presented? Maybe how he was acting? Maybe he did something to my food? Whatever caused me to act like this was very strange as I have never acted like this before. I moan as Ginoza's teeth scrape the sensitive skin, causing my back to arch. Fiddling with my underwear he drags the cloth down, his fingers ever so lightly brushing my skin. Leaving hot molten trails along my legs as the underwear is dropped to the ground. Now I was completely naked in front of him.

He pulls away and gazes down at my sweating form beneath him. My thighs rubbing together to receive some of the tension in which my boyfriend had given me. My face flushed red from need. He caresses my cheeks as he just gazes down. Almost like he was awestruck at what he can turn me into.

"Beautiful." Ginoza mutters, kissing my lips as he allows my fingers to get back to work on his pants, his constant grinding into my pelvis and hands was making it hard to concentrate as with each grind I lost my mind. The want was so strong that I just ripped them from his body and chucked them onto the ground, flipping us over once again I take command and sit on his pelvis. Grinding on him as I grew wetter, leaving a wet patch on his boxers from where I sat.

Groaning beneath me he grips a hand on my hip and does a small jerk of his hips. His clothed dick rubbing ever so wonderfully against me. I moan as I grind harder, wanting more of the delightful friction. He pushes my head down with his robotic arm and slams our lips together, the fever inside both of us growing more wild with each moment passed of contact.

We both groan into the kiss, unable to get enough. His fingers knot into my hair as our lips move harshly against each other, almost as if we were trying to devour each other we wanted to be so much closer with so much more contact desirable.

It was getting harder to control ourselves as our bodies burned with lust and love. The kiss is forced apart as I pull his boxers off, wasting no time with clutching the material I grind against his erection. The friction of our skin on skin rubbing selfishly against each other, causing our bodies to shake with desire and strangles moans to leave our throats.

"Be ready to not walk tomorrow." Ginoza pants, our breaths coming out is short broken gasps as out lips connect again. Lust and love clouds our vision as he thrusts once, burying himself to the hilt within me. I arch my back as the feeling of wholeness overcomes me. It was like no pleasure I've ever felt before. It was a pleasure I could only feel with him.

It seemed it had the same reaction on him as he throws his head back to tease a long deep throated groan, far closer to a growl than anything else.

I start grinding, wanting more of the pleasurable feeling, wanting to be pushed over the edge and fall into pleasure's grasp. Ginoza grips both my hips and starts to lift me up and down, meeting me at halfway by thrusting upwards to create a pleasurable feeling in both of our groins.

"Ginoza~" I moan loudly, "Faster please~" I manage to say around the moans.

Flipping us over he starts to thrust harder, not getting enough pleasure as he desired. It was like a pit in our bodies. We wanted, no needed, each other. We needed each other to quench our unquenchable thirst. His thrusts start to grow faster and he grips the bed, his lips colliding into mine in a hot passionate kiss. Our bodies melting and molding to each others as our skin rub. Grunts, groans and moans bounce of the walls with our names being repeated in there too.

The heat was unbearable as I clinged his shoulders, meeting him halfway like he did with myself. I was close. I could feel myself being slingshotted to the edge. Ginoza brings a hand to the front of my body and starts to rub my clit with his finger. It made the feeling even more intense, making me arch my back just as I fall over. The orgasm was the most powerful one I've had since, making me see white as my body is wracked with being over pleasured. I cry out Ginoza's name, only successfully making him thrust harder as our skin hits hard together, rubbing in places as he thrusts for his release. My walls clamp on, making his experience and my own all the more pleasurable. He finds his release not long afterwards, growling my own name as he throws his head back, filling my womb with his seed.

It was warm and dribbled out as he fell forwards, landing on top of me with his head by my neck. Our breathing is harsh and uneven as our chests rise and fall quickly. The acts which had just passed still in our bloodstream. He mumbles unrecognizable words before pulling out. Both of us tired as the adrenaline is slowly diluted with time and out breathing grows backroom normal.

I keep my eyes close and focus on steadying my breathing as well as the man on top of me. I was drifting off to sleep when I'm suddenly picked up. "Room clean." The tired voice of Ginoza speaks, he pressed me against his bare chest as I open my eyes and look up at him. I lean up and press my lips softly against his own. Transferring and communicating how much I truly did love him. He return both my kids and my feelings, if not returning the feelings more. Once the room was clean and we had managed to clean up we fall into bed, cuddling up against each other as we both relax.

As we were half asleep his bracelet started to ring. Grumbling Ginoza answers the call. Akane was calling saying that I needed to go and see the boss for my punishment. "Sorry Akane but (y/n) and I will be off tonight until tomorrow night." He apologizes, hanging up before she could say another word in. Nestling back into his place he pulls me in closer and hugs me. "(Y/n), I love you. Will you stay with me forever?"

I lazily open my eyes and look into Ginoza's before closing them once again and nuzzling into his bare chest. Still neither of us had clothes on but it no longer mattered anyway and we were both too tired to even bother with the articles of cloth. "Of course I will Gino. No matter what because I love you and I will forever love you." I mutter watching him fall asleep, the thought of my punishment trying to make itself known. Gino wraps his arms and pulls me in closer, the thoughts leaving as I snuggle and get comfortable again. Falling into a comfortable sleep alongside my lover where I'll always be.

Cut for talk of COVID and irresponsible failure to social distance (my own). Also, some updates on what’s been going on here for the last month or so.

part one:

Very very long story that I am truncating as much as possible. As you all know, I am an optometrist and professor. When we shut down in March, our university made a huge, painful shift to remote learning and our student clinic ceased operations altogether. Neither students nor faculty saw patients from March 15 - the the middle of May. At the end of May, faculty began seeing patients directly in an extremely reduced schedule, and at the beginning of June, we began adding in very limited numbers of students in a rolling schedule that minimized exposure to all involved.

Three weeks ago, my dear friend Jasper contacted me and said that an old friend of hers, whom I will call Carol, was in dire straits after losing her job overseas. Carol has an extremely rocky history: a terrible car accident that left her legs and feet permanently damaged which directly led to a very bad divorce, significant student loan debt (just shy of six digits I think, compounded from the accident, since she used her student loans to pay her medical bills--for anyone reading this, do not EVER EVER EVER DO THIS--student loans are never touched by bankruptcy declarations and you will owe them until you die), and something of an inability to put down roots. She is an English teacher who has taught and traveled all over the world: Prague, Bahrain, Czech Republic, Los Angeles, Rio, etc.

When I first met her about ten years ago, she had come back to Alabama from Prague because a job had fallen through. She was completely broke and living out of two suitcases and a carry-on. She lived with us for three months for free, sleeping in Jasper’s bed because we had no other room for her, and eventually got a job in Boston and moved on. She lasted--I think--about two months in Boston before quitting and taking a job in the Middle East.

On top of her student loan debt, Carol also has significant IRS debt and is in debt to several of her friends. Over the last few years, she took several ill-advised positions overseas back to back without ever consulting a lawyer on her contracts, and did not realize until recently that one of her positions classified her as an independent contractor instead of an employee, so she owed US taxes on all her income for that period of time. Her most recent job in Prague she lost in February because she filed her visa (again, without a lawyer) incorrectly, and what should have been a brief three-week stay outside of the country became a six week stay on the couch of strangers in the Czech Republic while she waited for her visa reapplication to process. However, it was denied, and then COVID hit, and she returned to Alabama with only a portion of her possessions and tons of important paperwork left behind in her Prague apartment. She then unfortunately had two emergency surgeries on her stomach for an acute, unpredictable medical issue, and while she is well healing now, it also added on another forty thousand dollars of medical debt to what she already owed.

She stayed with her mother and sister while she was recovering from the emergency surgeries, but her family is emotionally abusive and very unkind to her, and after a few weeks she left their home and went to stay with Jasper. However, Jasper is also 8 months pregnant with her fourth child, and they both knew it was a temporary thing. Jasper knows that I have a large home with several spare bedrooms, and asked if I would be willing to host Carol for a period of time while she got back on her feet. I knew what I was agreeing to when I said yes, and Carol and I settled on a period of two months. She has now been here almost three weeks.

Frankly, I do not like Carol very much. We are unbelievably different people in every way--personality, temperament, proclivity to crying in front of other people, hobbies, interests, religion, all of it. She is a very nice person, and I think she truly does mean well. But she is the most emotionally needy and energy-sapping person I have ever met, and I cannot tolerate her company in more than small chunks. It is not possible to hold a conversation with her about any subject tangentially related to her difficulties; if I try to sympathize with her loans by mentioning my own, she shuts me down by saying at least I will have the chance to ever pay them back. If I just try to listen without commentary, she’ll wrap herself up in her own stories and talk for hours without ever needing more than “mm”s and “hm”s and my undivided attention the entire time.

She will often work herself up into sobbing tears over her situation(s), and she always informs me immediately of any new development in any of her numerous trials: which are usually negative, considering the situation, and usually resulting in more tears. She has cried on me probably more than a dozen times since she moved in, and she wields “I love you” like a weapon, more to hear the validation of the response than to truly express the sentiment. She constantly asks for advice on her situation but does not listen to any of it--seems more to just want to relive each tragic detail of her life over and over again with an audience, wondering why she’s continually “screwed over in her life.” (Really, really poor financial decisions and constantly trusting her own “intuition” over getting competent legal advice before signing contracts, are I think the biggest contributors.) She has told me so many private details about her personal views, relationships with her ex-husband and mother and sister, her financial choices, and her extensive travel and job history over the last few years that I probably know her history better than my own at this point.

I think she thinks by sharing so much that she is justifying to me her need to stay with me. What is actually happening is that I am forced to help shoulder this enormous emotional load that compounds my own mental health problems I’ve been having since all this started. I have told her more than once that she does not need to justify herself to me and that my home is open to her for two months, no strings attached. I believe she is making all the steps she needs to and do not need reports on her daily activities to “pay” for her lodging or electricity or internet or whatever. This has changed the behavior a little for the better but not stopped it.

There are moments that are not bad. As I have mentioned, she does mean well and want well for most people. She likes Hamlet and loves Jasper, who is extremely important to me. But she is extremely difficult to be around in so many other ways, and the way she constantly exclaims over how we basically think alike on all things (absolutely untrue) makes me think she either will not or cannot read my reluctance to engage on any of these topics.

(An example: I was watching footage of the SpaceX launch and despite my feelings on Elon Musk, really excited about the implications for space travel. She came in, and after misunderstanding for some time that I was not watching Space Force with Steve Carell, decided that the SpaceX program was morally bankrupt, obviously borne of shady backroom government deals, and everyone involved should have used the money to solve world hunger instead. For the record, she had not heard of the shuttle launch, SpaceX, or Elon Musk at all before the seeing the footage.)

(She also until last week had not heard of Playstation, Xbox, streaming as a concept, or any game more modern than the original Mario. Trying to order a grocery delivery online was an excruciating torment for her [took her over four days to get through selecting the items, selecting allowable replacements, and actually paying] and I will not ask her to do it again. She frequently makes comments about video games being a waste of time, and when she sees children playing outside, comments on how glad she is they are not inside playing video games. She doesn’t seem to realize her comments are a direct commentary on me; I think she genuinely does not understand that those games are what I am playing most of my free time.)

Right now, everything seems to hinge on her passing some teacher recertification tests next week and the week after. She spent $150 to give herself less than a week to study from scratch for a test she described as the hardest she’d ever taken. There were several other dates later in the summer she could have chosen, and her deadline is December, but she picked the soonest option for reasons I can’t fathom. She is also in the process of trying to get a car--right now I’m driving her everywhere--and she was ready to hand over $3800 yesterday for a ten-year-old Hyundai with a check-engine light on without even thinking of getting any kind of inspection. She is far more concerned with the color and “energy” of the car than its function, and would not have even checked the headlights and blinkers if I hadn’t prompted it.

She will be here another five weeks or so. We move around each other now better than we did before, and I hope it will continue to improve. But it’s a lot like a rock grinding a groove in the streambed from the repetitive friction, and it’s not the struggle I wanted to be having right now.

part two:

As I mentioned above, Jasper is having her fourth child in a month or so. One of her friends, someone I don’t know, contacted me and said she wanted to do a drive-by “baby sprinkle,” where no one gets out of their cars. You drop off the gifts, talk to the recipient a few minutes from the car window, and move on. I told her that I work in health care and am exposed to patients, so that sounded good to me.

The shower was this morning. Carol and I got up and drove the thirty minutes to Jasper’s house. There were four other families in cars right around the corner, and the “hostess” gave us all balloons to tie on our side mirrors. She told us we would drive around the corner, drop off the gifts, and loop around. Jasper’s husband would arrange for her to be in the front yard at the right time.

Cute enough. We go around the corner with little honks and Jasper sees us and starts crying, and it’s all wonderful and emotional and a fabulous surprise and I’m genuinely excited about it. And then people start parking and getting out of their cars, and Carol and I start looking at each other. They’re full families, too--three of the other moms brought all their kids, and soon enough they’re playing with Jasper’s three boys in the front yard and coming up asking to pet Hamlet through the car window. No one was wearing masks.

And what’s worse, when they all started looking at us expectantly through the car window, we didn’t know what to do. They were handing Jasper her gifts and obviously settling in for a good long chat; the women were hugging, talking about how they are “so over this COVID stuff, please come visit soon,” and Hamlet of course recognizes his original owners in Jasper and her husband so he’s freaking out, and after a few moments, we decided to just get out of the car.

It was the first time I really felt the social pressure to participate in an event I wasn’t comfortable with. I have no issue maintaining my social distance and my mask and my handwashing at work because that is where I have the position of authority, and I have the responsibility to model it for the students and patients--but here, I was a guest at someone else’s house at someone else’s event, and I really, really felt how they might perceive me as rude. While I didn’t know the other women, my relationship with Jasper is extremely important to me, and I didn’t want to make this special event for her difficult in any way.

So we got out of the car and joined the group. I tried to keep my distance as much as possible, especially since I had Hamlet on the leash and there were a half-dozen small children around, but at least twice I looked up and there was someone right at my elbow, and we made small talk for five minutes or so before either she drifted back to the group or I moved Hamlet into the shade away from the rest.

Cars drove by and slowed down more than once to look at us. Jasper’s husband made a comment about rolling his eyes if he saw their family on Facebook that evening. The women planned play dates, all standing very close together, and Jasper opened her gifts (that part was excellent). All in all we were probably there about twenty minutes. 

I should mention that on the drive there, we passed a public park that has a very pretty waterfall right next to the road, and there were probably a dozen families out playing. There was a festival/outdoor market right outside the the park that had a sign up about social distancing, but the fifty or so people we saw shopping there were not adhering in any meaningful way. No one wore a mask.

And what annoys the bejeezus out of me is that I didn’t either. I didn’t even think about it until after we finally got back in the car to drive away. This is the first social event I’ve gone to since the first week of March, and while I wear masks for eight+ hours every day I go in to work, it didn’t occur to me even a single time to put on even my little cloth one that I keep in the car until we were driving away afterwards. I was so flummoxed by every little thing happening differently than I expected--people getting out of cars, how surprised I was by my own susceptibility to not rocking the boat, how normal everyone else made it to stand so close they could bump elbows so that Carol and I became almost excluded from the circle--that it never once crossed my mind. I know masks are more for the protection of those around you, not to keep you from catching what other people are carrying, but I could have set an example. I could have been the health professional I should have been in the moment.

I’m just so disappointed in myself. Disappointed in my own carelessness, irritated that I didn’t say anything, continually frustrated in a deep, gut-wrenching way by the whole situation that requires this in the first place. Bewildered that so many people are “back to normal” while this thing is still spreading, and in brutal honesty wishing I could be like them and just give up the fight myself. I’m not even mad at them. I WANT TO BE THEM. Why am I continually bothering to care and sanitize and mask and stay at home when no one else is? Literally no one would judge me in this state for it more than I’m already being judged (in most cases impersonally, though I felt the potential for it today in specific) for still watching the recommended guidelines.

I am really, really sick of this. I am so sick of feeling alone in this (of being alone in this, and Carol doesn’t count). Hearing other people saying “there there, you’re doing the right thing” honestly makes it even worse. I want people to stop patronizingly telling me to do things I already know are the right thing to do. I want other people as mad as I am that I can’t do the things I want to and need to do instead of being endlessly patient and noble about all the lives they’re saving by staying home. I’m top-of-my-head-blowing-off furious that so many people are shrugging and saying “well this is just the way it will be forever and alas, so it goes” and acting like those of us who did the right thing and cancelled our plans and our trips and our visits to dear friends but who are mad about having to do it are overreacting. I’m so fucking mad about it. I’ve stayed home for two months and I’ve isolated and I’ve quarantined and my hands are cracking from the constant sanitizer/washing at work and except for today I’ve done everything I’m supposed to do for this, and I don’t want to do it. And seeing people be so heroically virtuous and longsuffering on Facebook feels as alien and upsetting to me as the people who go to the beaches with a hundred of their closest friends.

That’s probably unfair in myriad ways. I’m really too angry, including at myelf, to soften it right now.

I want a vaccine and I want to be back in my classroom teaching to fifty faces instead of a screen in my living room, and I’m honestly freaking sick of waiting at home for them to figure this out. And watching everyone else move on with their lives back to the normal I would kill to have is just one more crack in the dike.