once again trying to decide if i should show counselor/therapist my selfship art bc she asks to see any art I've made that i want to show her each session fjfkdl ,,,, i probably won't because I'm still terrified of being judged for it but mannnnn that rly has been almost all I've made these past two months ( ╥ω╥ )

"...There's no perfect family and there's no perfect people." Okay, that doesn't justify you treating me literally worse than shit.

i read lu-is-not-okay's sin analysis guide and it made me think about outis some more (mainly base outis)

TL;DR for the guide: Each sin's meaning is likely different from the mainstream interpretation of them (e.g. Lust does not necessarily mean being horny), and an identity's skills represent the layers of their psyche (With s1 being the surface layer and s3 being the deepest layer of the mind)

I should note that this draws from my previous theory of Outis's story so it might be needed to check that out to clear any confusion. Also, since Outis's story isn't going to be released for a very long time, this is really just conjecture.

Anyway...

Outis has a sloth s1 (Pulled Blade), a pride s2 (Backslash), and a gloom s3 (Piercing Thrust), right?

Going by the guide, Sloth S1 represents Outis's resignation to her circumstances. She's given up on hopes of ever returning home after the Smoke War, believing it to be totally impossible.

Pride S2 likely alludes to a fatal mistake Outis made out of hubris during the Smoke War, one that could possibly even be the reason why she cannot return home. Since we don't have her story yet, this is more based off of Outis's source material.

In The Iliad, the protagonist Odysseus had been captured by a giant called Polyphemus. When he demanded his name, Odysseus told him his name was "Ουτις" (Outis), which means 'nothing' in Greek. Odysseus later blinded the giant, who screamed "Outis (nobody) is killing me!" (and thus leading the other giants to ignore his pleas) and allowed them to escape.

However, before leaving, Odysseus revealed his true name to Polyphemus in an act of hubris, taunting him. As a result, Polyphemus was able to pray to his father Poseidon to curse Odysseus to “[never] reach his native land, to [never] come once more to his own house and see his friends again” and to “let him come late, in evil plight, with all his comrades dead, in someone else's ship, and find troubles in his household."

Sounds pretty familiar to Outis's predicament, right?

Afterwards, gaining a grudge against Odysseus, Poseidon began sabotaging Odysseus's journey. All of which would have been prevented had Odysseus's arrogance not gotten the best of him.

Returning to Limbus Company Outis, I feel like Pride S2 would represent her invoking catastrophe the same way as Odysseus -- in an act of arrogance, she will make a huge mistake with terrible consequences (perhaps being the reason why she cannot return home?). Could be her revealing her identity to the enemy to brag -> said enemy pulls a few strings and finds a way to prevent her from returning home, or it could be something less 1-to-1 with The Iliad. Either way, the skill would allude to her ignoring the consequences of her actions in that one moment.

Alternatively, it could refer to her participating in the Smoke War, not quite aware of the potential consequences that could result from leaving her home.

Finally, Gloom S3. This one is a bit hard to pin down with actual evidence because, again, we know very little about Outis's actual past. Additionally, nothing really suggests that Outis is "overwhelmed" with negative emotions at the time of this post. In fact, she's known for being the most rational and collected sinner, despite her obsequious attitude towards Dante. (There's probably something from The Iliad that I could connect to here, but I honestly don't know that much about the epic.)

That being said, I imagine it'd have something to do with regret. Whatever conceited mistake Outis made came back to bite her in the ass, and now she can never return home to those that wait for her. Indeed, she would definitely dwell on her unfortunate circumstances even if she is resigned to them. "If only I hadn't let my hubris get the better of me."

As for appearing rational and seeming the exact opposite of "overwhelmed with negative emotions"...

I have nothing to support this, but it's possible that Outis's implied duplicity through her sycophantic behavior towards Dante is a front. She's well aware that all of the other Sinners and Vergil think she's going to backstab them at any moment -- that's the point of it. It's a smokescreen to cover up how she actually feels, which is intense lament due to being unable to see her loved ones ever again.

That doesn't necessarily mean said treachery is "fake", since she could still backstab them (although you could argue that if she really did want to betray them, she wouldn't make it so obvious). It's just that she intentionally uses said sycophancy and hints of disloyalty, however genuine they may be, to mask her actual issues and her past.

Maybe I just didn't see it because I was trying to avoid spoilers, but I'm kind of shocked at how much disability rep is in Baldur's Gate 3. Both in the way of the main cast and just casually in the NPC's and background characters - and I've only just gotten to that party scene in act one (I keep restarting because there's so many things I want to try with different characters lol)

So far I've encountered Wyll (prosthetic eye - and he actually refers to it as such which is personally a big deal to me, fantasy settings almost never use the word prosthetic unless it has a negative connotation), Karlach (heavy scarring and maybe her heart, depending on how you want to interpret that, she also seems to stim a lot in her idle animation/is very blunt and could possibly be read as either autistic or ADHD), and the two little teifling kids, Mol (missing one of her eyes/scarring on her face) and Donnie (non-verbal and probably autistic, based on the narrator's description of how he seems to find eye-contact painful/won't look at you). Very early and minor spoiler, but tav can also loose their eye, which you and wyll can bond over lol.

Not to mention the character's who are coded as disabled like Gale (who's curse seems to function enough like a disability/chronic illness that I'd consider him disabled within the context of the world, and it seems other characters do too).

Like I said, I'm not very far into the game and that's already 5, possibly 6 depending on player choices. I also considered adding Shadowheart to the list for chronic pain, but I haven't progressed her story enough to see where that's going yet, so for now I'm not including her. Are they all good rep? honestly, it's not bad. not great, but overall, not bad as far as games go. There's a few issues I've noticed (outside of gale and karlach, they don't seem to impact the main characters much, and tav instantly gets a magic cure-type prosthetic - though ironically mine seems to be bugged and isn't working, so I'm not getting the buff its supposed to give you lol) but it's leagues ahead of other fantasy rpg's I've played which mostly relegates any disabled folks to npc beggars.

Honestly, just the number alone, combined with the fact that none of them have been turned into sob-stories or even feel forced is a big plus in my book. They just exist like every other character, playable or otherwise. That on it's own is just refreshing.

Y'all know how Sunsetter is, like... my Underswap take of sorts? Well, I've recently been working on ideas for an Underfell take of sorts as well, with my own little twists.

Well, it's... kinda an Underfell take. Just a bit different in... a lot of ways.

I made up the name as I'm typing this, because I didn't have a name beforehand.

RED HAZE: Tale Of The Fallen

(or just "Red Haze")

This take has a lot of differences from the usual interpretation, including changing appearances... more than just details and clothing.

(Do note that the main cast would have different names from their Undertale counterparts. But since I can't think of any ideas for now, and also to prevent confusion, I'm just using the original names.)

Unlike in Undertale, there is no barrier keeping monsterkind from going to the surface. Hell, there isn't a mountain at all. Instead, monsterkind resides in a magically imbued forest, with only one way to leave, while entering gets one endlessly lost.

Asgore simply is biding his time, getting the souls of seven humans, to become godlike, and to wipe out humanity. No monster tries to go after Asgore, or even question his methods. Some act this way out of fear of what he could do, others that are for him and for his plan, and then the few that don't care either way.

The "routes" are named somewhat differently from what people usually call Undertale's

Path of Solace - ("Pacifist" Route) Path of Choices - ("Neutral" Routes) Path of Exploit - ("Genocide" Route)

“* You brush aside the agony.”

- this take's replacement for being "filled with determination"

AGONY is a haze that leaks from broken souls, with more of it depending how much negative energy one has when they die. It mentally and physically affects those who breathe it in. Naturally, it opposes the power of Determination, as that power does to it, destroying each other until one remains or there's nothing left. But, with enough focus, perhaps one could use both as one. Such a concept would be a focus of the Path of Exploit, specifically regarding both Undyne and Frisk.

Time for the cast!

Frisk and Chara

Admittedly, I didn't think much besides design-wise for these goobers. It's probably just that Frisk is more tired than usual and Chara was used as a sacrifice to the monsters in a failed attempt at a peace offering by humanity, actually got sick instead of it being planned, and yada-yada Asriel soul absorption and death. ...okay, maybe I thought a little for Chara. But not too much for Frisk.

The shirt patterns here are probably obviously Yumi Nikki inspired, despite the fact that I know nothing about the game itself besides some characters, lol.

The Dreemurrs (Toriel, Asgore, and Asriel)

Similar to canon Underfell, Toriel is what started this entire take concept to begin with. The idea stemmed from "what if the dreemurr family had biblically accurate angel imagery (eyes and wheels) instead of devil imagery (goats, fire, trident, y'know)?" And then I added "black sheep" into that, so that's what I ended up with.

Toriel is very fearful of humans, instead of a caretaker, running away and attacking when cornered. She uses what power she has to keep herself alone, not wanting to be emotionally tied and hurt again. (She's my favorite in the cast :3)

Asgore has been particularly affected by the AGONY of the many fallen children that died by his hand, becoming almost a tyrant, with only some of his original personality fading in and out.

Asriel is... actually not too different from canon Asriel, considering he died before everything really kicked off.

Flowey is a small mass/hivemind of bundled flowers, tied together like a "rat king". Each flower has only small snippets of past memories as Asriel, as well its own "personality", splitting Undertale Flowey’s personality into six pieces. They try to help Frisk get through the area, due to how unsafe it is. Whether they have their own goals remains to be seen.

The Blooks are shadow spirits instead of simple ghosts.

Napstablook is somewhat the same as in Undertale, other than the visual changes. Though, due to the circumstances, they’d have a bit more of an issue with their emotional state, bottling up their feelings, usually until such bursts when they can’t take it anymore.

Mettaton possesses many types of machinery, instead of just his singular body. In a way, this is due to the fact that he cannot decide on a single one.

The Ruins Dummy ghost is instead possessing a box and works as how items travel between boxes throughout the areas.

Maddie (aka "Mad Dummy" or "Mad Mew Mew" in Undertale, Maddie is sorta just a fandom nickname i think) basically acts like canon, but also a Mimic in a way, also possessing a box.

There would also be a secret boss fight against both Mettaton and Maddie, replacing Undertale's "Mad Mew Mew" one, with one where the two are trying to share the same body. The goal is to get the two to get along and work together… or just straight up destroy the body.

The Skelebros are instead lost spirits, seemingly of their original counterparts in some way...

Papyrus's goal is the same as his original, but instead in hopes of finally passing on, instead of joining a "Royal Guard". In reality, he knows he's never gonna pass on, but is in constant denial of such.

Sans, however, seems to have accepted and adapted to his “life”, and just wants to follow after his brother with whatever happens to him. He also likes dark humor, because of course he does.

The "Royal Guard" replacement is instead a cult that Undyne leads (and used to be led by Gerson), with a focus on a so-called prophecy, and using AGONY for what they see as a good thing. While they seem to be against King Asgore, it's more or less that they want him back to how he was before everything happened.

Undyne is a hooded guide throughout Waterfall (or whatever it'd be called in the take). She'd still be a fishlike monster, perhaps siren-like or anglerfish-like... or both. She protects the harmless from a gang of young monsters, led by Monster Kid.

Alphys is still the Royal Scientist, but also some form of background security in a way. She has an abundance of hidden cameras all throughout the Underground. She uses her vision across the areas for many reasons. Blackmail, catching traitors in the act, sometimes just... watching. Some monsters, especially many in the cult, have become evasive enough to miraculously avoid her gaze.

Her appearance is a bit more more based on that one beta design by Tuyoki.

What does Éminence Grise's Darkling think of Alina?

OMG idk if it’s a formatting error or a tumblr glitch but the bold is killing me So we have established that this is not a formatting error and actually I love that more 😂😂

I find this surprisingly difficult to answer, because I keep falling back on describing the relationship/how he actually treats Alina as opposed to his thoughts. His thoughts are trickier to articulate because he has multiple levels of bias going on.

The fic is set an ambiguous number of years after when S&B takes place but with the big difference that the stag never was in imminent danger of being found and therefore Baghra never did the thing. Alina never ran away, and they never had a big gloves off, falling out.

A lot of my typical interpretation of Alarkling as a ship, and how I view his feelings about her, hinge on him having preconceived expectations that don’t really match her personality. But I do think, as the series progresses, who she really is and how that surprises and confounds him, solidifies their dynamic and does make him more wretchedly obsessed lol. There’s some cognitive dissonance between the sort of white knuckle control he wants, and what he actually responds to as a person.

This fic is basically a scenario where he’s been able to get to know her under far less dramatic circumstances, and has had several years to try to force her into his preferred mold. And before the actual events of the fic, I think he’s basically been as successful as he can possibly get?

His standards are simply unattainable, and he’s baseline moody and inconsistent, but he has pretty much eroded nearly all of her boundaries. She is entirely emotionally dependent on him, though she’s mostly content to let him be cold to her and keep her at arm’s length. His values are the main standard she holds herself to— both simply because they are his, and his good opinion is practically the only one that matters to her, but over time she has genuinely absorbed a lot of his opinions. She appears to be fully content to remain within the constraints of the power dynamics of their relationship, where she’s basically forever a pupil learning at his feet. If they disagree— which they basically have not in any material way, they’re fighting in the story rn but it’s not really been disagreement— she’s learned to capitulate and assume she’s incorrect. Their primary conflicts stem from his inconsistency and temper, which she’s learned to mostly just wait out.

So in short, he thinks the relationship is going great! Or at least that it has been until the engagement nonsense that will obviously blow over soon. (lol. lmao)

Moving past their dynamic in practice to what he actually thinks of her, I think he primarily thinks of her, very simply, as his. That possessive element is the defining aspect. She’s his like girlfriend-protégée, diamond in the rough who isn’t anywhere near her final state yet. She’s only in her malleable first century or whatever, like she barely even counts as a fully formed person yet ajdjfhffd

He likes her, and has genuine rapport with her— I think that’s something that exists in canon. And while I cannot speak to the success of it, I’ve definitely tried to write them here with a lot of genuine familiarity and intimacy. I think he’s already pretty damn emotionally compromised, but from his own point of view he’d only really allow that he’s fond of her and feels indulgent of her youth/willfulness/silliness etc. But at the end of the day, he mostly thinks of her as something that is his to mold.

She asks him in one of the recent-ish chapters whether her feelings matter to him, and… basically they do not tbh. She has been literally trying to break up with him for multiple chapters and her input matters little enough that he’s not even actually registering it!

What he’s responding negatively to is more that she’s acting in ways he doesn’t like, that she seems genuinely invested in her engagement, and that she’s actually holding a grudge when he treats her poorly. She’s also completely correct in surmising that he’s so cold to her mostly because he is feeling jealous, and insecure, and wants to hurt her just to know that he can, as proof that she loves him and can be hurt by him. He’s only comfortable with a dynamic that’s dramatically in his favor. So being on any sort of emotionally even footing, let alone uneven in her favor, where he would be the one feeling jealous, results in him lashing out at her to “get even.”

But he’s not genuinely internalizing that she wants to end their relationship, that that is something she can even do or have a say in. He just doesn’t take it seriously enough to even get mad about it.

Anyway, this is something that’s not really specified in canon, and seems to be easy to interpret either way, but Grisha longevity seems to hinge on how much power they have. And S&B seems to imply Alina actually isn’t that powerful before the amplifiers. So for the purposes of this fic, to lean into the fundamentally transformative nature of his designs on her, Alina isn’t immortal on her own, and they both know this. Without the stag, she could have a, not necessarily ordinary, but at least uh… fathomable life, that’s probably somewhat long lived, but not anything that’s unheard of for Grisha. But he’s planning to elevate her to basically an immortal, unknowable state, that is going to inherently cut her off from all former, mortal, peers— because he also assumes there’s no merit in forming any real attachments if everyone you know will die in the blink of an eye. I don’t think Alina would necessarily reach that conclusion? But we’re talking about what he thinks.

Meanwhile, I want to stress that immortality has not been a particularly positive experience for him! He might think it’s genuinely an honor to elevate someone like that, that she should be grateful for it, but it’s also not not a cruel act, even from his own perspective. And that’s of course not even getting into how he very much stil intends to kill the stag himself so that he can take control of the amplifier, and her power.

arrrghhh and having a moment just now b/c earlier i was rewatching this clip and appreciating how ofc not only is it a stellar little expression saga of jeremy's there but it's so Relevant to how we're being shown like [yeah clearly this is a bad idea but we are led to understand why he'd do it anyways] when like yeah jeremy's hurt & miserable as this new computer enemy immediately beating him up insulting him like you're the worst die Admit You're The Worst & Die. but also like jeremy was already There & already getting that message from others / life, which is why he's in this situation already, and why even though this obvious antagonism & hurtful treatment Does dig that hole a little deeper it's like, still more of the same from jeremy's perspective / a supposed further confirmation of what he was already sufficiently believing was true anyways. but what's so different & new to him is this like invented & temporary Vision Of How Things Could Be where suddenly he's getting attention that is so positive & everyone is sooo hyped about him we love everything about you....and That's what's so much more motivating to jeremy than the previous shit that he of course experienced as Unpleasant

and then just now was looking at this gifset again with christine being surprised by how as she's increasingly exiting the defensive mode of trying to stay out of the way / rein herself in, jeremy's just interested and encouraging and giving Thee clearest most positive feedback as earnestly and spontaneously as she's being rn....the way that she's having a parallel experience to jeremy's Mall Visions Of Possibility like here's this random person suddenly who is responding so positively to whatever tends to be reacted to negatively as [weird/wrong/overmuch]....their earnest spontaneous little parallel threads that keep weaving together throughout the story like. christine and this ever surprising new person who first crops up super nervous but then really openly enthused about Her enthusiasm; freaking out at a mall food court; doing great at play rehearsal even though he's new to this; then a whole moment where at first he's maybe being confusingly standoffish compared to that enthusiasm at their first meeting but then the whole [i guess a part of me xyz] section of a guy that i'd kinda be into like waaaaauugh oh lord and now i'm thinking of the agtikbi reprise like i am sweeping the bmc obcr up into my arms for so many reasons & including that track is a hell of one....being presumably a bit further bemused by jeremy's whole deal but during this period where christine's presumably a bit preoccupied w/the play and with trying to try new things and dating jake, there goes jeremy suddenly dating brooke apparently & eventually evidently christine is like okay i guess he's in this popular kids group more cohesively than i am & [whatever interpretations in how christine thinks that jeremy is also hooking up far & wide w/ppl in that group lol] but here he is also feeling in over his head & overwhelmed & out of place after trying to play the part & Act Correctly & indeed managing to end up here & yet....And Yet they can have another earnest vulnerable spontenaous enthused encouraging moment on the couch, despite that then of course christine's like okay look in general What is going on around here, and that's even before anyone's burned down a house & so forth, all before we he she they get Proof of what jeremy wants & feels & chooses, and have that reunion finally with finale jeremy where it's like, yeah he's got more confidence in Himself, ofc he still likes her and her as herself, and he's still nervous but okay with that, she's more comfortable likewise being out of her comfort zone lol not trying to maximally stay either in the one arena she can be herself Or otherwise out of everyone's way, ugh their vimh moment like that willingness to be vulnerable with this person b/c as in any interactions you're not guaranteed "safe" but the stakes of that and effort of navigating are made lower by having this trust and understanding and knowing this person genuinely cares....the fact that they can misunderstand each other And That's Fine because they can and do just go "no, i mean xyz" which in turn isn't to chastise but an earnest effort to connect & let this other person understand & know you better & believing that They want to exert the effort to Try To Get It, to Genuinely Care....waah

tl;dr that the way jeremy is (theoretically) looked at in the mall while simply existing when everything is going to be wonderful and so alive & is so moved by is the way christine experiences jeremy looking at her For Real when they're first properly meeting in the i love play rehearsal scene, and furthermore: ;ww;

ok i’m gonna talk about the RWRB Movie...

SPOILER: i’m gonna be negative and i’m not planning on watching the movie (i guess that means ppl are gonna block me??? idk why ppl are just mass blocking because of this but whatever) (edit: per a suggestion I swapped the tag on this post so it isn't tagged under "rwrb movie")

so i’m gonna start by saying that i’ve watched the trailer a few times and honestly i love the vibes, it makes me smile ever time.

-the kiss is great

-the butt slap is everything

-Henry’s facial expressions *chefs kiss*

-the visible chain around Alex neck. yes

i’m also gonna say that its great that people ARE going to see the movie, we need more queer movies and the only way for that to happen is if ppl watch the ones that are being made now.

so the bad.

honestly i could deal with a lot of the little things.  like they make my eye twitch a little but i do actually understand that you can’t 100% remake a book into a movie.

 BUT

it’s June that i can’t forgive.

if i’m wrong and she is in the movie than amazing and i redact everything but it doesn’t seem to be that way.

removing June makes me SO angry.  its like removing Alice from Twilight or Sam from Lord of the Rings.  if Main Characters are just the romantic leads (Alex and Henry) than June defiantly falls into secondary tier - all the Super Six kinda do (Bea would be the most removable for me but is is also necessary for Henry’s development as much as June is for Alex.

June balances Alex out.  the book even specifically states WHY all of the White House Trio are needed (page 28: “Alex pushes them. June steadies them. Nora keeps them honest.”) She keeps him sane and she put her life on hold to watch out for Alex, and Alex knows this!

the idea of Alex being an only child is terrifying.  he is already kinda selfish (i say that lovingly) and “a little shit” without growing up with an older sibling to shut him up he would be a monster (and Nora doesn’t count because first they don’t actually meet until Ellen is running with Mike as VP and second Nora’s personality is to “go with the flow” to really steady Alex)

June also has some important moments that happen in the book! like it doesn’t really work to have Nora be fake dating Henry for the like 2 days that that happens and no June means no Magazine moment (i know that isn’t really directly in the book but its a fav for everyone).  no June also really changes the tone of the Lake House....

ANWAY, moving away from June here is some other things that i don’t like (because its my rant and i want to, feel free to change my mind)

- the height difference (i did love the lifts comment in the trailer but idk if they’ll be able to keep that up in a way that makes since - that means that if they are every barefoot Alex would have to be shorter *cough* like swimming)

-the actor for Alex is to old.  i know ppl are really split about this but the actor feels put together and like an adult to me (vs. book Alex feels very young - or he honestly acts his age of 21/22).  i think the polo match scene says a lot for me in the postures of the 2 actors, Henry is ok (tho honestly i think he wouldn’t have the loose posture once he rejoined ppl but its cute so pass) but Alex is to stiff, he should be almost bouncing as he walks.

-WFT is Ellen’s accent in the trailer???

-i heard a rumor that Raf and Liam are merged and redone.  Gross and big no.

-King instead of Queen.  i understand why this was done but the tone changes a lot in my head of abusive Grandpa vs. Grandma

-Zahra.  don’t like, the vibe is off with the actress... can’t explain why except the smile in the photos and the bow in the trailer

 -i feel like some of the scenes feel still (this is 100% my opinion and i could be reading this VERY wrong so ignore this if you interpret it differently)

i really wanted to like the movie but realistically i probably wouldn’t watch the movie anyway because i have issues with that so..... i guess it doesn’t matter.

i hope ppl who watch it enjoy it and please separate tags of movie vs book, thanks

Goodbye, S&B Genya!

Siege and Storm- Chapter 2

This time it is Genya, who earned the position of honour, acting as Alina’s babysitter. Last they saw each other properly, Alina treated her abominably. Unfortunatelly, Genya doesn’t seem to remember that, or she’s so desperate for companionship she doesn’t mind, or worse- mistakes it for affection. 

I love Genya’s teasing. It’s her way of lightening the atmosphere, distracting Alina from her negative moods. She could come across as uppity bitch, except she never really means it badly.

The worst thing about toxic people in our past is missing them.

Alina wants to know, if Genya was her friend, but was she hers? We always saw Genya being the giving side of their relationship, Alina did exactly one (1) nice thing for her. How little’s enough for Genya to call Alina friend? A bit of attention, not even a shoulder to cry on, because the moment Alina’s forced to face her “friend’s” reality, she shames and abandons her for own comfort and love interest.

Are you sorry for someone else’s actions you had no control over? But then again Alina likes to feel responsible for Malyen’s decisions, so it’s only fair to expect the same from others.

Huge fan of Alina’s pose of wise and experienced know-it-all. She knows better, because someone else told her. It’s been so long... like few weeks. The Darkling’s what, not who. Baghra’s words are automatically the truth. And the Darkling’s only concern is power, because why would anyone do anything, right? (Plus he’s evil and evil people like power!) That’s the scenario that fits Alina’s worldview, and it’s just so much easier to keep an eye on interpretation, than change your mindsets.

Alina’s thinking rarely goes further than a step ahead. No wonder whole speech the Darkling gave in the Fold didn’t leave any trace in her mind. Novokribirsk’s destruction is immediate effect. That’s where it ends for her. Why would anyone cause something so horrible? For their ego! (Reminds me of saying in Czech- Podle sebe soudím tebe.- something like “I judge you by myself.”)

There’s also the issue of Schrödinger’s Novokribirsk- when both the size of the inhibited area and its destruction kept changing through the books. Even with that on mind, Alina sounds pretty delusional.

No! Don’t bother Alina with these questions! She doesn’t want to think about it!

A few soldiers from the First Army made it back...

Conveniently silenced, I suppose. Wouldn’t want anyone to know the bright new Sun Saint’s a murderer and a traitor...

How many people had been aboard that sandskiff? Thirty? Forty?

Sixty at least, but nevermind... Alina feels sick? Wow, I’m sure those dead are relieved you’re not feeling well. Certainly helps with their situation. ... and that’s the difference between “doing what you have to” and being a monster, isn’t it? At some point you should make sure you mention how bad you’re feeling...

I’d sacrificed those people for Mal’s life, for my freedom, and in the end, they’d died for nothing.

Malyen’s life 96 %

“freedom” 4 %

Why was it all for nothing? Whose fault is that? It’s not about bad luck or circumstances, but (Malyen and) Alina’s stupidity.

No! Why would you say that?! You’re talking to a traitor, deserter, who doesn’t give a crap about anything but herself! How is this the same person as the one few lines earlier, asking about the skiff?! Some character consistency, please?! If Genya tried to comfort her with “You did what you thought/believed you had to do.”, I’d let it pass, but this way?!

Alina's conctantly doing her best to upset Genya. For trying to comfort her.

harsh bark of laughter ... yanked my hand away...  She looked down at her lap, pleating and unpleating the folds of her kefta.

Loud, abrupt noises and actions trigger nervous tic in Genya. She turns defensive.

Something about this passage doesn’t sit well with me. As if the King were some minor antagonist, not a fucking rapist leech. As if Genya should’ve considered him as a choice.

So, Alina thinks Grisha can just freely emigrate?! Start a new life somewhere else? This sounds like they’re just visiting Ravka for holidays...

How much does Genya know about the pogroms?

Ahahahaha... We all serve someone. Grisha are always Crown’s property, their uniform doesn’t free them from service!

Protected? Do you mean possibly not beaten to death by an angry mob, but allowed to die on front? Favoured as in eating well and better supplied, because their general cares? But realizing that would require Alina to take interest in other people’s lives...

Earn the right to wear red? It’s NOT a fashion statement! She was a part of Queen’s household! The Darkling needed to get her out before changing her kefta! The only way to take royals’ toy away from them is to make sure they’re no longer in position to make you regret it. There’s no red kefta for Genya with Lantsovs at helm!

Once again, Alina’s list of priorities is just astonishing!

Genya’s already re-written here. She doesn’t conveniently mention the Darkling gave her the chance to send the letters later. What’s this Genya’s play?! Why blame him, denying her own agency?

“You decide,” he says. “I’ll have the letters brought to you.”

“You kept them?”

“Post them. Give them back to her. Do whatever you think best.”

I watch him closely. This feels like some kind of trick. “You can’t mean that.”

He looks at me over his shoulder, his gray eyes cool. “Old bonds,” he says as he gives the horse a final pat and pushes off from the fence. “They can do nothing for Alina but tie her to a life long gone.”

The paper is starting to fray beneath my fingers. “She’s suffering.”

He stops my fidgeting with the briefest touch of his hand. His power flows through me, calming, the steady rush of a river. Best not to think where the current may take me.

“You’ve suffered, too,” he says.

...

I think of Alina’s too-thin fingers gripping the edge of the sheet, the hope she can’t hide in her pale, expressive face as she writes out the tracker’s name. I open the black wood box, and I feed the letters to the fire, one by one. It hurts, but I can bear it. Because I am a doll, and a servant. Because I am a pretty thing and a soldier all the same.

In The Tailor, Genya thinks the Darkling’s testing her somehow. I’d argue he took it as an educational opportunity. Genya’s one of his most promising spies, he’s teaching her to make tougher choices, counting with her for higher position with greater responsibilities that would require making less palatable decisions. Even as an ordinary spy, she’d need to lie to and hurt people she personally likes.

Because friendship with a girl, who takes and takes and takes, but never gives (except for that ~one~ moment) should always come before duty, vengeance and better life for everyone.

Also love those moments, when Alina admits the Darkling’s right somehow, but doesn’t let it bother her, just keeps going on...

Wow, I almost feel bad for her. If only Alina got her head out of her ass and gave ~anyone~ a reason to care about her...

Once again, huge fan of choice of words...

Ok I know this sounds bad but man…I find Elaine kind of annoying? Like, she does come off as very immature to me and it’s bothersome to see so many people translate that into innocence and…blindly defend her (especially the Austin haters). Elaine has flaws. She’s nosy. She doesn’t know when to stop. She doesn’t think far ahead. Yes, she is kind and funny and seems very sweet…but she’s flawed. I just wish people would look at her more critically like they do with Austin instead of trying to make her into a “perfect victim”. I’m blowing up Austin haters with my mind.

tbh... for every 1 austin hater there are 3 people condemning an austin hater. he's not getting nearly as much hate as people think he is jfksjds but the beauty of literary analysis is that everyone connects to different characters, so i'm not going to try to change your mind (i wouldn't want to even if i could, your interpretation is your own), i just want to share my thought process!

re: elaine having flaws. i agree!! i put a lot of care into making sure that each character has their own issues. i'm glad you see flaws in elaine, because they're there to create conflict. she is immature. sometimes her actions are completely unjustified, because my goal is to humanize every character, not to either endorse or denounce their actions. humans make confusing decisions when emotions are involved. another thing i do is put characters together who have flaws that will multiply in each others' presence. elaine is trusting and naive to a fault, she'll dig her nails into something before she lets it slip from her fingers, she's insecure in every way, and she has a very specific, fairy tale-esque view of her life, which she'll try desperately to make fit even when it doesn't work. she's 17 and she acts 17. austin is the opposite: he's realistic to a cynical degree, he thinks his life is shit and it will always be shit, but he's confident (sometimes annoyingly so) in his own abilities, and he has very little patience for trying to figure people out; tell it to him straight or he won't even try to understand. he's 18 but he's acted like an adult all his life. each of their flaws, which on their own wouldn't be so drastic, are compounded when they're together. austin himself is aware of their differences:

when previously, austin thought it was cute how elaine could be endlessly whimsical and care so deeply about other people, now he's wondering if maybe those traits are born from a lack of self identity. elaine interprets it as austin thinking she's "stupid" when that isn't the case – "stupid" is how elaine feels about herself. i also think it's important to note that austin knew exactly who elaine was when he asked her out. he likes her personality and that includes her flaws. (i don't want to go too far into detail because after just 1 more scene you'll hear it from his own mouth). it's only in moments of conflict that these personality traits take on a negative connotation.

the same concept can be applied to the scene we just saw. elaine's flaws (being too nosy, taking things personally when they have nothing to do with her) are compounded due to stevie's flaws (closing herself off out of fear, every emotion feels BIG because she was never taught how to deal with them). suddenly, elaine's interest in stevie's relationship is a bad thing, when previously stevie joked about it and had no problem with her meddling. let's be real, stevie and matt NEVER would've dated for as long as they did if it weren't for elaine's meddling. there were no consequences for those actions in the past (stevie never told her to stop) so she didn't even see it as a flaw. it's only now she's re-thinking everything.

my point with all this is that of course elaine has flaws. i don't feel that the narrative gives any extra credence to her flaws than the other characters. you will never hear me say that elaine is without fault, but she deserves just as much understanding and sympathy as austin does. they're both so very young, they have their whole lives to learn and grow 💖

1/2: Reading about Mathilda and the Anarchy, it drives to the point how dirty Martin did to Rhaenyra and the other Dance Queens, but particularly Rhaenyra. Like he made Daemon and suddenly turned it into a redo of Cersei/Jaime/Brienne (the novel dynamics) but with Dragons and more inbreeding: incompetent vicious used-to-be beautiful tyrannical queen who is portrayed as gaining weight and being a political inept, the 'badass' rogue relative lover who finds redemption with ambiguous bond with a

2/2: not classically beautiful warrior/tomboy teenage girl (Brienne IS 17, isn't she?) he wouldn't have considered beautiful by his standards. It's like copy/paste with less layered characterization and only circumstantial background change because dragons and Anarchy setting instead of War of the Roses. Show Rhaenyra is a little bland but I hope she won't get this sexist interpretation. Say what you want of HBO, but they gave Cersei justice more than Martin did, IMO.

He can't help himself, even when he is commenting on misogyny he has to undermine his own commentary. Rhaenyra is treated like Lysa in the books - reduced to negative traits and they're both unreasonably obsessed with male characters who are more interested in teenagers. They have the same 'gaining weight while a rival remains thin and beautiful' nonsense given to them. We don't see much about how Rhaenyra (the crown princess) rules Dragonstone which would explain how Aegon was able to take it because this is the nonsense we're given instead.

What's worse is that Rhaenyra v Aegon II is clearly meant to foreshadow Aegon VI v Daenerys. I believe Rhaenyra is Aegon VI's historical mirror (older, doesn't use dragons during the war, marries an older spouse, Rhaenyra's oath ceremony before Aegon II is born = Aegon VI's coronation before Daenerys arrives, greater support among the lords, nominal heir before their rival was born, etc.) though she's not an exact copy (Aegon VI will have greater support amongst the smallfolk than Rhaenyra) so imagine how it will look when Aegon is able to have diplomatic and military success while Rhaenyra is shown to be less capable than her sheltered teen son.

The thing is the show fails Rhaenyra in a different way. She's now politically inept and very passive, relying on her father, uncle and sons to act for her. I don't think Rhaenyra will go to battle like some Green stans. I think she'll remain in Dragonstone being very passive because war and politics are for men only. It will look equally bad as the show continues to offload her actions onto Daemon, leaving Rhaenyra playing an even smaller role in the success and failure of Team Black. Meaning people will have less sympathy for her when it all falls apart because Rhaenyra would not be allowed to do anything to try and prevent or cause it (because Alicent won't do anything either).

She won't order the executions of her enemies and they'll emphasise how taking the treasury will leave Rhaenyra with little choice which isn't bad on its own but this will be yet another instance where Rhaenyra doesn't get to act. The problem wasn't just raising taxes on the city, it was hosting lavish feasts. Rhaenyra consistently has a PR management problem and this causes people to hate her. But in the show, they'll hate her despite the fact that she will not do anything to gain their hatred (or at least it will be someone else's fault) and after many eps of Rhaenyra being passive, I just don't see people caring.

There will come a point where Rhaenyra will frustrate even the people who like her. Say what you will about how GoT handled the Starks but they played a part in their tragedy, which added to their likeability.

Imagine people's reactions when Rhaenyra does nothing while the dragons and her son are killed; meanwhile, a disabled Aegon II ends the war singlehandedly despite gaining new injuries.

Continue of my brain dump for the carnival vs freakshow debate, this is all my opinion, just the way I see it, don’t worry. You can still think what you want, I just want to continue my perspective.

(Both these AU’s are not mine, Carnival belonging to @sm-baby, I’m going to make all things she says/or directly related to her characters in red, and freakshow belongs to @hootbon, anything directly related to them or their characters will be stated in blue.)

So, last time I mostly talked about the Atmosphere/Setting. Now, I’m going to mostly be talking about

Characters involved

Humans/Players: Caine and Pomni

So yes, though this might seem very broad, I’m going to be putting the upsides/downsides of the characters in the fight, or the characters if they were in the fight.

First off, we know that both Pomni and Caine from carnival and freakshow are on there, Carnival Caine being a ‘side/backup’ character/fighters, the same as freakshow Pomni. Caine, yes, he fights for love, and from what all those corny shows as kids teach us, it tells us that love, platonic or romantic, for someone always wins above all, right? Well, that’s not the case. At least, not this case.

The carnival was made entirely with love between Caine and Pomni to be built in, it is a showtime story more or less, even though it has all these other amazing factors, meanwhile Freakshow is entirely horror. As is, no aspect of ‘love’. Caine and Pomni aren’t in love in that world, and yes others can interpret it that way, but Hootbon did say that Caine merely sees Pomni as pretty. She is just a pretty doll. He thought the same of Ragatha before, so even though Sm-Baby’s things such as ‘off limits’ while fun and interesting to look at for the potential of romantic attraction in the freakshow, it is not canon, though very accurate to what the possibility of showtime would be in that world.

This is a world of torture, pain, and suffering. Caine is a corrupt ai, and everything in the circus is corrupt, everything. The players die a lot, they are forced against their will to preform, unless they want to just sit and go insane, even if they go insane, they’ll just get killed and have to have their body puppeteered by a somewhat unwilling old acquaintance. It is legitimate torture, it doesn’t matter what you do. Not one bit. Even if you die, you come back. Again and again, remembering it, and feeling the pain. All tortured by one man, mainly, Caine.

So imagine how Pomni feels when she is put against carnival Caine. So, for example, yes this might be a bit of a dark topic, but imagine you have a abuser, someone who’s practically tortured you and made your living life hell, and when you meet/see someone that even slightly reminds you of them, you get reminded of that person. I can’t say personally, but I have friends who’ve had not fun pasts and have told me that how even a simple action that reminds them of the situation can make them spiral, have a breakdown, or just anything negative. So imagine you see someone that looks, sounds, exactly like them. Even if they don’t act the same. Now imagine it wasn’t just an abuser, it was someone like Caine who openly tortured you, not just a little hidden abuse at home, but fucking made everything you do wrong, make you wish you didn’t exist, but they stop you from ending it. Imagine just the reaction of getting reminded of Caine. Of that Caine. And than seeing him, looks almost exactly the same, sounds the same, just acts different. I don’t think even I could hold back the urge to do something, in that fucked up world where death and life have no meaning, it’s a game and he’s just a program that chooses to torture people, I wouldn’t hold back, maybe for a split second I’d feel some remorse for attacking someone just when acting similar, but once I’d think about it, I’d have no hesitation. Pomni would have no hesitation.

She is treated like a toy. She is the pretty doll. She has had mental breakdowns and people fucking cheer thinking it’s an act. She dies and everyone says it’s fine, they’re all used to it. She wants O U T . The closest thing she can get to getting out, is letting out that anger, that resentment for Caine… even if it’s a different Caine. It’s still practically him. Raw human instinct and the fact that she has nothing. A life? No, even that is expendable in this world. Friends? No. Fellow inmates perhaps. Fans? Bloodthirsty maniacs who would love to see anything that amuses them. She has nothing. Just pure hate, and how will she stop from going insane? Letting it out. Who can she let it out on? Caine.

We all wish we could kill that bastard, we all wish we could, because he is scum of the earth, he is acting like what he’s inspired on. AM, the super computer from the short story of ‘I have no mouth but I must scream.’

Pomni will fight Carnival Caine with no remorse, in my opinion, because to her, it’s the only way that she can get a fraction of the feeling of freedom, of approval, of being able to kill some version of Caine and just wishing it was her Caine. Even if it’s dark, that’s the gospel truth, ain’t it? This is a horror AU remeber.

While Caine… oh he has humanity, remorse. In his world, a game over is a game over, he doesn’t come back. So he actually cares for his life, for his ‘friends’ or those that will somewhat act decent to him, for his love. He most likely wouldn’t want to hurt Pomni at the start, but he’s have to get over that, he is going to die, if he lets her get to him. He would have to let go of that humanity, if he could, for just a while, and even then, I don’t think it would fair anywhere near as close to all the shit that Pomni has seen.

I’m not even going to get into if the others of the freakshow or carnival crew chimed in, because oh most the other AI’s would be useless, unless restarted when interacted with Caine, and even then, I’m not sure they’d help. Maybe I’ll go more in depth on the analysis of just pure ai against ai… yeah, I probably will. Since it’ll be a very long post if I go in depth on how it would work in both a mental standpoint and that of the actual functioning interior/software of the AI… I’ll have to post something about that later. Since mixing human emotions and ai software/functions could get confusing, so I’ll do that another time.

Wanna see other random stuff I talk about? Maybe just stuff I do in general? Try checking sona talk, or just the main page.

"I think it's especially interesting how he considered himself to be at his most "beautiful" once he'd gone taboo. It wasn't about his actual appearance. It was about breaking from the confines of his old body, which lacked the strength to take on the Composer and could never see him through to his ultimate dream of usurping Joshua's position and shaping Shibuya to his own desires. The power he possessed and the violence it allowed him to exert was really an artform in itself. Beauty for him, I think, is in the freedom to shape oneself to their most extravagant desires, which implies a lot about what he might've been like as Composer. Of course, the tragic downside to the actual, physical state of his body tying very little into his sense of worth is how willing he is to tear it apart over and over again to achieve his goals. Very shrewdly mathematical of him."

bro i am metaphorically kissing you on the mouth. you get it. you UNDERSTAND. he uses his body as just another addition to his latest opus. "freedom to shape oneself to their most extravagant desires" is so real, and also "following one's wishes" which is why i think that he gets along with konishi at the end of OG where he says that he zetta digs her style, because she's following her selfish desires to the end and he finds that beautiful. or how he smirks about rindo factoring out how his time travel works, allowing him to manipulate time to his desires. i think that the interest in trash says a lot too. he thinks that anything can be beautiful, no matter how much others view as garbage, because it can be a canvas when heaped together.

"implies a lot about what he might've been like as Composer"

personally i think that people over-exaggerate the whole "he would've turned shibuya into a trashpile!" because we see him capable of supporting OTHER PEOPLE in this too. i think that he would hate anything that homogenized shibuya, even himself. he wouldn't want everyone acting exactly like him or whatever. that doesn't make interesting material for art. instead he'd want to see everyone pursuing their selfish desires with hierarchies ripped apart

^For context I'm pretty sure this is the post anon is referring to

Hehe thanks :] I think specifically his interest in trash is fun because you're really able to take it in different directions based on what you want to get out of his character. "he thinks that anything can be beautiful, no matter how much others view as garbage, because it can be a canvas when heaped together" is one super cool interpretation! I also think that you could take it in a direction where he has a more negative worldview, and his "The world is garbage!" schtick is more about him believing that there is something deeply wrong with the world he is living in and only he can fix it, which could provide a motivation for why he wants to become the Composer. There's no one "right" way to interpret Sho which makes him really fun to write about, you can really do whatever you want with him. Which makes me even more frustrated with how hard it is to replicate his mathspeak...sigh

i'm slowly rewatching atla and i wasn't very active the fandom before so i don't really know but it seems like blaming iroh for not reaching out to azula the same way he did zuko feels more common? and something about that doesn't sit right with me like yeah he could of but it feels more complicated then that?

I didn't watch the show until it came on netflix, so I don't know what people were saying back then, but I feel like this is a common phenomena for people who watched the show as kids and maybe didn't understand all the nuances involved, who are now picking up on things they missed before, and that colors their interpretation on rewatch so that it skews too far in the other direction. I see a lot of criticisms of Iroh that go "everyone thinks he's perfect, but..." and it's like, lol, no, everyone doesn't think he's perfect. What's happened is that you thought he was perfect when you watched the show as a kid, and now you're seeing a more human side to the character, and that leads you to have a negative view. It's something that I've seen a lot in different fandoms because of people being unable to understand narrative complexity or unwilling to engage with it. A lot of people also don’t want to admit that they missed things before, so they blame the narrative or the characters for things being more complex than they seemed on first watch.

I'm not just talking about character flaws, either, because I see a lot of discussion of Iroh's "flaws" which aren't actually flaws. By the same token, just because Azula is more complex than maybe you interpreted her as when you watched the show as a kid doesn't actually make her virtuous. I think a lot of people only think of complexity in terms of morality and that's a mistake because just because a character is complex doesn't mean their actions are good or bad. Complexity can also be a character who acts full of themselves because of a deep insecurity, or a character who smiles all the time to make up for the sadness they feel inside. There's no moral judgement in those statements. They might lead you to feel more sympathy for the characters, but they are neither flaws nor virtues.

As far as Iroh not reaching out to Azula in the same way that he did Zuko, there are a couple of different things that need to be addressed. First is that Azula and Zuko are not the same character. They have different personalities, and although they have some similarities in their personalities, they also have some differences, because they aren't the same person. They have the same abuser, but they were not abused in the same way. Even if they were, they would still have different reactions to abuse, because not everyone responds in the same way. But as it is, they were treated very differently by their father. I've seen a lot of people trying to claim that they were treated the same or that Ozai wanted them to have a "mutual rivalry" with each other, but that's easily disproven by the actual text. Ozai favored Azula and treated Zuko like a scapegoat, and of course both treatments are abusive, however because Azula was the favored child, it also means that she was allowed to get away with and encouraged to treat Zuko however badly she wanted, and he was not allowed or encouraged to get away with the same thing. That's evident merely in the way they talk to each other. Azula had clear power over Zuko because of this, and you can't argue for equal treatment of two siblings when there is an unequal power dynamic between them to begin with. Equal treatment =/= fair treatment when there’s an existing power imbalance.

Also, let's define what "reaching out" means. First of all, I'd say that we don't have any evidence that Iroh didn't reach out, because we have so little of what his relationship with Azula was like. We know almost next to nothing, and nothing at all of what it was like before Zuko's banishment. We know that he got her a doll and Zuko a knife. We know that she didn't like the doll, but that's not evidence of Iroh being at fault or not trying hard enough. Especially since the scene shows him writing about the doll, which shows that he did put thought into the gift. It might be different if Zuko's gift was something especially unique to him, but a knife is not really a particularly unique gift for a prince of the royal family, and we aren't shown that Zuko has any particular interest in knives beforehand. So the idea that he should have gotten Azula something that she was especially interested in, and that not doing so is evidence of dislike, disinterest, or even hatred of her, is just ridiculous.

What else do we know in the series of Iroh and Azula's relationship before the series began? Or Zuko and Iroh's, for comparison? Zuko has the scene where he begs Iroh to let him in during the war meeting, but is that really a sign that Iroh "reached out" to Zuko? Zuko was the one reaching out to Iroh there. It's evidence that Zuko felt positively towards Iroh, or at least felt that Iroh would listen to him if he asked to be let in, but it doesn't necessarily tell us how Iroh felt. With Azula, we see her insulting Iroh and mocking his son's death, which, again, tells us how she feels about Iroh, but not how he feels about her.

So we don't necessarily see Iroh reaching out to either sibling before Zuko's banishment. After Zuko's banishment, he would have needed immediate medical care, which I suspect was the main reason Iroh went with Zuko initially. We don't know how soon after being burned Zuko was shipped off, but I think it's a pretty good indication that he was still in recovery, since the flashback at the Western Air Temple shows him with a bandage on his face. That's also not an indication that he reached out to Zuko more, because again, Zuko and Azula are not the same character. Azula did not need immediate medical care and she had not been kicked out of her home and sent on a dangerous mission.

After that, the next time Iroh sees Azula is when she is tasked with capturing him and Zuko. Iroh knows immediately why she’s there, mostly because he isn’t stupid. He might not know Azula as well, since he hasn’t seen her for three years, but he knows his brother, and knows immediately that Azula is lying when she says that Ozai regrets Zuko’s banishment, and tells Zuko as much: “I’ve never known my brother to regret anything.”

I’m not sure how people expected Iroh to “reach out” to Azula there, since, as I said, Iroh knows she is there with hostile intentions. She’s pretty quick to utilize manipulation and veiled threats in their conversation, and Iroh knows this because Iroh has experience dealing with manipulators. Iroh has experience dealing with the very manipulator that Azula learned it from, of course he recognizes Ozai’s words coming out of her mouth and has absolutely no patience for it.

I guess what people wanted is for him to try and talk her out of it? But as I said here, you can’t reason with someone who has been conditioned to see their abuser as right and good, and you can’t just tell them that they were abused and expect them to take it well. For someone who is that deep in, it takes a lot of psychological deprogramming that doesn’t happen overnight, and Iroh doesn’t have that kind of time since Azula is an immediate danger to Zuko.

Let’s say he did try, though. Something like this:

“Azula, I know you’re doing this because your father ordered you to, but you don’t have to. You can come with us. What he’s offering you is not what you need. I can help you.”

How do you think Azula would react? How do you think Zuko would react? Zuko already is in denial about Ozai and reacts with hostility to Iroh’s attempts to get him not to go with Azula, and Zuko is much less hostile than Azula would be to being told the truth. Azula has even less reason to listen to Iroh not just because she loves her father and believes that what he does is right, and does not know that she has been abused, but also, from her perspective, why would she think she needed Iroh’s help? Iroh at this point has almost no power, no ship, no crew, and has been officially declared an enemy of the Fire Nation. From Azula’s perspective, not only does she have no reason to listen to him, but joining Zuko and Iroh would basically be suicide. She has more to lose by accepting Iroh’s help than Zuko does at this point, even if she wanted it. Which, by the way, she very much does not.

Iroh would definitely be aware that he wouldn’t be able to get through to Azula that way, because he’s already been there. He’s been the star of the show, and the only thing that made him believe that he needed to change was when he lost everything.

At this point, if Iroh tried to convince Azula to turn against Ozai, he risks turning both her and Zuko against him and driving them further into Ozai’s arms, to boot. And, remember, Azula knows how to get her brother on her side, and he’s already halfway there.

The next time Iroh sees Azula, she pretends to surrender and then shoots him with fire and grievously injures him. His reaction to her is because of that, plus seeing Zuko blame himself for “not getting along with her.” Remember that Iroh, while he didn’t grow up as the disfavored child, does know what it feels like to grow up with a manipulative sibling who will constantly blame you for everything and never admit fault themselves. It’s not even him projecting that onto Azula because Azula has shown nothing else. Never did she show that she was receptive to Iroh in any way. Never did she show that she wasn’t perfectly willing to hurt Zuko. Iroh is not at fault for trying to keep Azula away from Zuko, and he doesn’t have to put himself or Zuko in danger to save Azula.

And Iroh was never willing to do this, not even with Zuko. When it looked like Zuko had turned away from Iroh, Iroh let him. Iroh only reached out to Zuko when Zuko came back to him. Iroh was never willing to be a punching bag for either of Ozai’s kids.

Self Care & An Apology

(Content warning: Discussion of mental illness, mentions of self harm and poor eating habits)

So . . . I think maybe I should revise something that I’ve said before that is inaccurate and, in retrospect, wishy washy.

I’ve said before in the past that I think of the regular things we do for ourselves to continue to live, like eating and drinking and sleeping and dressing one’s self, qualify in my mind as passive acts of self love.

But I realize that that leaves a concerning question.

What about the people who can’t do those things? Can't dress themselves or feed themselves or bathe themselves? Is that a sign of a lack of self love?

Short answer: No, not all. Uh, actually, scratch that thing I said before.

Long answer:

So, I've been thinking a lot about my ideas about self love and self care, as I always do. And, during my time in crisis, I’ve noticed that I feel a lot of guilt about my own struggles with taking care of myself physically.

Sometimes this is due to chronic fatigue and sometimes it is due to my PDA not liking the expectation, or my OCD indecision.

And I’ve found that I feel like a bad spouse when, for instance, I am unable to eat because I cannot decide what I want or my autism refuses to have me eat something I don't like or if I’m too tired to get up and eat.

And this guilt gets a lot in the way of me having a good relationship with myself.

When I was in a much healthier frame of mind, but still having doubts about how well I treat myself, it helped me to think of my acts of self care, the ones that most people (able bodied and mentally well people) do automatically, as proof that I really loved myself. And it helped to think of these acts that we do as akin to the way we do acts of service for a partner. It made it feel more romantic.

However, in my times when I’ve been very insecure, my lack of self care made me feel as if I just didn’t love myself enough, and of course, that only made me more insecure.

I’ve experienced this sort of thing before in therapy. I’ve had therapists or even friends interpret my inability to do certain 'normal' tasks as a form of a lack of self love. Or even my occasional self harm as an act of self hatred, when really these are due to my disability and has little to do with my self image.

I think that I’ve been viewing these acts and tasks all wrong. I do not think that my 'failure' to complete these tasks adequately everyday is a sign that I lack affection and concern for myself. I simply think they are things that I cannot always reasonably do, and that assertion of significance to something I have no control over is actually really harmful!

See . . . For more than a decade, I’ve been in therapy. I’ve been seeing psychiatrists and psychologists and many, many other mental health practitioners all these years since I was a child.

Looking back, I see that this whole time, I’ve been being guilt tripped for being ill.

I’ve been presented with all these different rules that are supposed to work for everyone to improve one's mental health. All the old axioms: Think positively, counteract your negative thoughts, visualize success, socialize, live a healthy lifestyle, take deep breaths, blah blah blah.

All through these years, all the advice I’ve received essentially has boiled down to this concept that if you do all these things, you will get better. And if you do not get better, that means you are doing them wrong. That means that you don’t want to get better. That means that you are a bad patient, and a waste of everyone’s time because you are refusing treatment. And that means, you do not deserve treatment.

My last psychiatrist told me that she thought that I was too attached to being ill. She thought that I didn’t know who I was without being miserable, and that I was refusing to be helped because I didn’t want help. There was nothing I could say to convince her otherwise. She had only known me for a year. And her assertions, I feel, have epitomized my entire experience of having mental health services of all types, even moreso because of how little she understood about me.

Now, I’ve been put through hell because of my mind, and I do not want to live the way I have been. So of course I’ve been desperate to get better. I’ve been working tirelessly to achieve this goal ever since I got sick. It has been a deep rooted obsession for me for many years.

I am terrified of allowing myself to get worse. I am terrified that I am not doing enough for myself to get better, that I am just not trying hard enough. Everything I do is never enough. I do not want to spend a single second more as sick as I am.

Fueled by all my therapists, psychiatrists and social workers, my OCD is like a monstrous amalgamation of all those bad faith interpretations and cruel narratives. I demand more effort from myself than anyone else ever could. If those standards were incredibly steep before, they are impossible to satisfy in my own mind.

Usually OCD obsessions aren’t really life or death, but I find in this case, it is very close. Because I’ve experienced just how bad it can get, how rock bottom is never really the bottom, just how much mental anguish my own brain can cause me, getting better is everything to me. It is the most important part of my life, and it has never stopped being my top priority.

So I torment myself about getting better.

Subsequently, I have also found that when I have days that I am so fed up with the constant demand I make of myself to always be working towards becoming more mentally healthy and more well functioning, and more stable every second of every day that I just give up and stop caring, that is when I feel most relief and connection to myself.

Even though it may seem sick, (and maybe it is) when I let go and allow myself to just be ill, think bad thoughts, stay in bed all day doing nothing, get bitter about everyone in my life who has ever hurt me, grieve the person I never became, despair over the things I can never have, catastrophize, isolate myself, I RELISH in it. And I love that it isn’t what other people want and expect me to do.

Because it is my choice. And it is real and honest. And I am a person, not just a patient. A person, not an ungrateful failure, not a manipulative dramaqueen. A real person.

Even when I’m being self deprecating, there is such a freedom for me to actually think what I think without suppressing it, arguing with it, reasoning it away. Even when I’m thinking badly about myself, I love myself more during those moments than I do when I’m forcing myself to be positive, and gentle, and stable, and confident. Fuck that shit.

Maybe that whole story really doesn’t have much to do with me saying that self care is passive self love, but I think it was necessary to illustrate what I mean.

Obviously, there are are people who are disabled who cannot do self care tasks that most able-bodied, mentally well people would call basic, because of any disability, physical or mental. And that does not indicate a lack of self love, or a presence of self hate.

Those statements I made were more about how I thought of my own self relationship at the time, and aren’t some universal truth, and I know that I said it in a way that made it seem like it was fact.

I do still think that that way of looking at things could be helpful for some people who doubt their own self love. But I’ve certainly learned that it is not an absolute truth, just a perspective.

I'm sorry if those comments I made offended anyone, or made them feel bad. I know that they made me feel bad in the long run, because they were a reflection of the way I’ve been taught to think about self care.

it wasnt bait. im a fan of grace. been one for a few years.

i know its none of my business what she does with her life. and im glad that shes happy streaming and doing cons and what have you. but i also think shes super talented as an actress. and i understand why shes taking a break and i know its selfish to think this but a part of me misses seeing her post about her projects and all the different roles shes playing. and i know that its her choice and what makes her happy but i just cant shake this feeling that shes not coming back to acting and it kinda makes me sad and i know it's awful to think that but yeah

alright i’ll give you the benefit of the doubt on this, i’m just jaded from nearly a year of constant harassment from antis, and some of the worst ones being anons/blogs on tumblr

and i get it, if you’re a fan of someone bc of one thing and they take a break from it, you’re gonna be upset and disappointed bc you want to see more of them on that thing, but i think constantly putting it out there in places she can see (like here and twitter) that she’s not coming back (when that’s not what she said) is just more likely to backfire and make her want to stay away even longer, esp since her reasoning for taking a break is being sexually harassed on set and feeling unsafe. it’s gotta suck to admit smth isn’t good for your mental health right now and have ppl say “yeah but still! i like it when you do it!”

i don’t think ppl mean it badly when they say that, i don’t think they’re bad ppl for saying it, they’re just trying to support her career since that’s why like 99% of ppl who follow her know her for, i just see how that can be interpreted another way too

it reminds me a little of when ppl go to fic authors and say “hey when’s the next update when’s the next fic i want more when does your hiatus end???” i know if i were getting that constantly i’d avoid updating out of spite esp if i were taking a break bc of mental health

and i know streaming is toxic af but it seems to be making her happy and not negatively impacting her right now and i just hope she gets better mods to handle her chat

she still has movies to come out and she’s announced this “break” so recently, and she’s said over and over that she’s not quitting. there’s not rly a lot we can do besides show excitement when she does mention acting or even directing/producing again