#remember when this image was like only 3 people? that seems so long ago now
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The birthday image got a new update!!! Kazutora and Hakkai have been added!
Tokyo revengers birthday series
#remember when this image was like only 3 people? that seems so long ago now#tokyo revengers#tokrev#tokyo rev#hanemiya kazutora#shiba hakkai
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I just found this blog so I'm jumping aboard the plushie bandwagon.
First we got Absol. (i feel like maybe i should've taken a closer-up picture but it's the face sooo)
Then a Wooloo
And, saving best for last, this Leafeon plush I own... of which I swear on my life is official merch.
I also have some more eeveelutions (plus an eevee and a few more) but: 1. I didn't want to send too many. 2. Eeveelutions are more popular so I wanted to give some other people the chance to submit their own. 3. I don't know where my Pikachu and Snivy plushies are cuz I own too many stuffed animals.
Only reason I submitted Leafeon was so I could show off this ~masterpiece~ of a plushie I own. And it's face isn't the only thing wrong with it too lol. Also I just noticed I accidentally had one of the ears hanging back but I'm too lazy to go take another photo but i hope this amuses you nonetheless.
ALRIGHT THERE'S BEEN A LOT OF YOU AS I'VE BEEN OUT WITH MY FAMILY FOR CHRISTMAS HUH
let's start with these guys. beautiful. wonderful. i do not believe that that leafeon is official merch. this statement is baffling to me. welcome to the front-facing pokémon family. i love the eyes on that absol and wooloo is one of my faves. i was rather obsessed with it when it first came out and have a whole wooloo tag on my main blog because of it. though i guess i cleared that whole thing out recently so i don't anymore
let's get the nose ratings out of the way:
↑ this is a lie. 10/10 chespin
it's very wide and also 10/10 you're being too harsh. merry day to you too
circular face indeed. did i already post this one? if i did you can have it again
clodsire be upon ye. clodsire fans this is your treat until gen 9
this is a trend now. i think tumblr just crunched this image to hell for some reason so here's what the text says:
"Felt like joining the others for front facing pokeplushies
[images]
I have more pokemon but its early morning and these are the plushies that are easy to access"
i have not but i imagine "a moment" has long passed by now. my apologies but apparently today was an important day or something? idk
YEAH it's super unbelievably fucked up. i think i kinda remember the circumstance being a bit dire so everyone else was more worried about either 1. protagonist getting stomped on brutally or 2. saving the world from kyurem / the bittercold. i was totally under the impression that he was dead in that moment but i guess the characters may have known that he would just come back? i seem to vaguely remember partner being surprised that he came back and being like "but we watched you die :OOO" but maybe i'm misremembering that. i do create a lot of pmd lore on my own time so i have a hard time telling the difference between canon and fanon sometimes
two a day makes the world go round! this blog started when i started college, paused for 80% of my college career and now has started back up and i just graduated college a week ago. i would say "how time flies" but it has been a very, very long year
i've said it before and i'll say it again: gen 6 is my favorite gen, so you'll be seeing lots of favor for this gen from me in the tags i'm sure. maybe gen 6 is my excuse to start doing other things here. like that stream i keep talking about
if they put meloetta as a little obscure puzzle thang in sv, i'm sure they'll do something for genesect. i hope. at least for keldeo probably. genesect i'm not sure is very popular, unfortunately, outside of the tumblr crowd. if the general public's opinion on genesect is favorable, then maybe
okay and then i tried to scroll down further in my screenshots for more asks and saw the wobbly will smith in a hospital bed Gimme a Hug, Man that i copied from the "i get a little bit genghis kanghis" post so that's it. to everyone who christmases: merry it. it is today. although it's basically over by now so! merry boxing day for tomorrow if i don't say anything tomorrow. but i probably will. now i'm gonna go queue up today's 'mons because i haven't done it yet today. see you all in a few weeks when those post
#gti spoilers#under the cut. don't look if you haven't played it it's an amazing game#not pkmn#nose ratings#about to queue up gogoat and pancham so be ready for those in a while
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hi! i’m unsure if you write for billy loomis, but if you do could i get billy loomis x reader who, them and their friend group / just a bunch of ppl from another school are new to woodsborro high (or whatev) and reader tries to one-up billy’s popularity and then ends up falling for him? (yeah it’s long i kno <\3 thankies! if it’s too complicated no worries! i 100% understand /gen)
Falling for your rival, Billy Loomis.
Pairing(s): Billy Loomis/Reader
Type: Ambiguous | Headcanons
➻ You remembered your first day in a newly transferred school as if it were only yesterday—perhaps even a couple of days ago if you were generous about it. You were sure that the memory of entering Woodsboro was one you couldn’t really forget—even if you wanted to do so.
—
You and a couple of your friends had been transferred over into Woodsboro, you never recalled the details as to why, but it had been in the early half of junior year. You were already well adjusted in your previous school, so it comforted you somewhat to meet some familiar faces that tagged along—even more when some were from your friend group. You made sure to stick with one another as you begin to adjust yourselves in the new school.
In the first two months or so, you stuck with your group of friends as you accustomed yourself with how the school itself functioned. Sure, you played a little too safe—but the rumours about Woodsboro reached the ears of many, just as much as those very mouths utter the town itself. Gossip spread far and wild, the town’s image of a ‘quiet little community’ shattered as the many controversies that greeted it for the past few years ones were one that left it in a sight of silent infamy. It couldn’t hurt to at least be careful, lest you offend people in some way or another.
—
➻ You learnt of the people who were popular in school—and you’ve especially heard about Billy Loomis. You couldn’t place a finger on him, but you had always felt that something about him was.. off. Though, without concrete proof—there was really no reason for you to antagonise him nor have such an uncomfortable feeling to settle in the very pit of your stomach.
➻ Billy Loomis was an extremely popular person in school, in spite of the fact that his reputation was an anomaly for such a town. He got along with the rest of his peers, no matter how unlikely the situation of them getting along were. It felt planned, hence a reason for you to feel strangely unnerved of him. You backed down when it appeared that everyone was used to his strange antics and equally suspicious behaviour.
➻ Nevertheless, you were quick to learn of how the school functioned, your reputation seeming to rise positively the more you interacted with the students of Woodsboro. To your surprise, you seemed to grow popular as the months rolled by. It was a feat that had your original friend group cheering you on.
➻ This positive rise in reputation did not go unnoticed by Billy Loomis, though it most likely due to the fact that he overheard it from Tatum as she gossiped to her boyfriend. Stu acted surprised, though Billy saw the glint of interest that was hard to see through—it always looked like a deer in headlights, unknowing of everything that happens as if he wasn’t the nosiest person in Woodsboro.
—
“Oh, oh! Do you know about ___? They got pretty popular after… get this, a few months! Gotta respect them though, it’s tough getting in everyone’s good graces.” Tatum finished her statement, quietly giggling at Stu’s now awestruck look, a mumbled ‘No way, really?’ escaping him.
‘Hypocrite,’ was what rang through Billy’s mind as he saw Stu’s clearly orchestrated expression. Everything else that tumbled out of that girl’s mouth was inherently useless to him except for that tidbit about you.
Billy stared at Stu, the other male catching sight of this and adapting a conversation topic into Tate’s, a method to tear information from his girlfriend.
“Tell me more about this ___, Tates.” Stu pried, his head tilted in a way in which he didn’t seem to be interested in you romantically, but rather one of curiosity in learning more about the student. “—Wanna know if they’re someone we can be friends with, ya’know?” Again, this was yet another orchestrated act.
And with that, Billy took in every bit of information Tatum had. The more he learnt about you, the more he felt confident in his abilities to interact with you now.
The only thing left to do was to get your attention and see how it goes—whether or not it was worth to take a shot in gaining the trust of (well, mostly) everyone if he dated you.
—
➻ You couldn’t help but feel uneasy about Billy Loomis now. He began approaching you, out of the blue. The following week after summer break, you could see Billy almost everywhere. You had your own doubts about Billy initially, maybe even getting used to him—but this returned you back to square one.
➻ Be it by requesting to borrow a pencil from you specifically, in spite of the fact that you were six tables away—there was a lot of chatter about that, which especially annoyed your school friends.
—
“Fuck, ___. Is he ever letting up? I swear this is, like, the eighth time we’ve seen him. He doesn’t even hang around here!” Hissed a frustrated Alex as he poked at his sandwich. Alex was a close friend—maybe the closest in your friend group. He had been unfortunate enough to see everything unfold before him, all those interactions by Billy were not at all subtle—which had him uncomfortable too, knowing the other guy’s history as a player.
“He’s so weird—always coming to you out of fuckin’ nowhere just to ask for a pencil? Wait ’til Jess hears this. That Loomis kid is giving me a lot of red flags with how he’s—”
“—I get it, Alex. Let’s just leave it at that, your sandwich is probably becoming soggy.” You interject.
“He’s giving me all sorts of warnings, too. I’ll keep my distance, there’s honestly way too many of them to ignore.” Almost in an instant, a familiar girl bounds over to the table where you and Alex sat. It was Jessica.
“...So what about that Billy kid?” she asked, having only heard Alex’s words and not yours.
You groaned at this, already fed up with all this talk about the boy. Jessica stares at you questioningly, before taking her chance to demand answers from you.
You begrudgingly reply to all of her queries.
—
➻ Of course, time had passed by then. Your encounters with Billy lessen as the days dragged on, much to your relief. Though, the same could not be said for Billy. According to him, your standoffish behaviour and hesitance planted doubts in his plan to get you with him.
➻ It begun when he saw how you looked at him when he was walking past you. It had him torn at both ends. One was nervous of getting caught before he could pull the curtain of his movie, the other intrigued in how you may interfere with his plans, seeing how distrusting you were of him.
➻ Billy took a step back, feeling quite annoyed with this development. Did you think of him as lesser? Perhaps even thinking that you were better than him, out of his league? The lack of development in your relationship with one another cemented that idea as fact, which had him grow a lot more annoyed. Unbeknownst to you,, his overthinking mind zeroes in on the idea that he should no longer see you as just anybody—but rather someone who he now considers as a rival.
➻ It was somewhat tense on Billy’s end, seeing how he keeps tabs on you and how you remained indifferent yet extremely distant with him. He wanted to at least have a reason to strike you back, maybe even to guilt you into a relationship with him. The longer he kept searching for a reason, the more his original plans deviated into ones of wonder and a deeper curiosity to find out everything about you. It got to a point where Stu even pointed it out, which had Billy reevaluating everything that he has done up until that point.
—
“Bro, again?” Stu teased, a hand wrapped around Tatum’s waist as he pulled her a little closer to his chest. A playful smile was across his features now.
“What?”
“You’re practically drooling at them, Billy. When you gonna stop staring and tell them whatever you got on your mind?” Tatum rolled her eyes, repositioning herself in Stu’s lap, leaning against his chest to relax her posture. “It’s as if you—” She stops in her tracks, stopping Billy from interjecting at the sudden pause.
“—Oh my god.” Tatum squeals. “Did you fall for ___? Is this an—don’t tell me—no, that you fell for the new kid? Ohhh gosh, that is so cute. Right, Stu?” Tatum rambles, body becoming jittery with excitement.
“You’re so right, Tates. So smart.” Stu chuckled, giving Billy a knowing look in the process. He would have laughed at his friend, but he’d rather not ruin the moment. It’s not everyday that you see a red-faced Billy Loomis, his expression entirely caused by embarrassment.
—
➻ The same appears to occur with you, with less of Billy’s attempts to interact with you, you find yourself looking his way a little more than usual. He seemed to understand boundaries and had backed off when you became more distant with him—keeping him at arm’s length, as Jess suggested—you took your time to learn about him, too. Were you too hard on him? You wondered yourself. This change in attitude toward the subject Billy quickly caught the attention of your friend group.
—
“Okay, stop. ___. Did something happen to you?” Jessica spoke up first, catching the attention of Vince, who had tagged along with you as you left for lunch.
“Uh, no? Why do you ask?” You respond. She stares at you with suspicion, eyes squinted as if she thought that you were lying. “You sure? It was definitely you who was looking at Billy in English—You are so lucky Mrs. Lake didn’t even—”
“—wait, wait a minute.” Marcus interjects, turning to you in disbelief. “You did what? What happened to ‘I’ll keep my distance’? Are you having a crush on him or—” A pause was in Marcus’ voice now, feeling shocked at how easily those words tumble out.
“—Are you really? Like, actually?” He stares at you, softening his voice a little more now. He seemed worried that he had spilled out a secret that you might not want to reveal so soon.
“...Maybe.” You murmured, your whisper loud enough for the both of them to hear. You three were out of the building, the chattering from students deafening. Jessica bit her lower lip, feeling as though she had overstepped a boundary of yours, which was sort of true in this case.
“Oh shit, really?” Marcus replied, feeling guilty for being insensitive. “Just.. You know we worry about you, like a lot. But if you—well, if your opinion on him is changing, fuck, I guess we gotta deal with that.” He assures, a nervous smile on his features as he gauges your response to that.
“Yeah. I—It’s just surprising. Are you gonna tell him soon or…?” Jessica adds on, cautiously treading on her words. Silence comfortably formed between the three of you, finding no need to add on to it. That was until Jess, of course, tries to lighten the mood.
“Alex is so going to burst a blood vessel when he finds out.” Now that made you laugh, a smile over your features now.
“Find out about what?” Alex’s sudden appearance had Jessica scream bloody murder.
—
➻ Confession was not at all difficult, seeing how Billy waited for you to make a move instead—having already learnt from before. Shy confessions aside and with ample support from your friends, Billy accepts. The difference with this confession in comparison to many others, not once did a confession had his heart beating as hard as it did when it came from you.
➻ Billy was smug about the fact that you were now his, wrapping an arm around you. Possessiveness grew in his heart, finding it due to the fact that he had to—in a way—earn your affection. It was also due to the fact that his reputation did not even matter to you, not one bit, with that support system you have with your friends. The longer it took for you to reciprocate his love, the more he fell into the feeling of wanting you even more.
➻ Now that he had you, he was content. So much so that he began taking his time to progress his relationship with you. He doesn’t want you to be distant with him any more longer, not after all that he had done.
—
“God, Billy.” Stu chuckled at his partner in crime. The two sat at the very end of the library, paper before them as Stu scribbled down code words. “You really are obsessed, huh?”
“Oh, shut up.” Billy grumbled, tracing his finger on a polaroid photo that he took of you. It was from the sixth date that you had been on since you had gotten together. You were amazing to him, Billy—whilst having his actual thoughts under lock and key—he felt, for a brief moment, that he wouldn’t have been surprised if you were out of his league. You became someone he cared for deeply, he wouldn’t have it any other way.
“Hey, Stu.” Billy quietly spoke after a few minutes of listening to Stu’s busied scribbling.
“Mmm, yeah? What’s up?” Stu responded, still not looking up from his paper.
“You think we can make a few changes to the plan, before executing it?”
Billy’s words had been enough to stop Stu’s from scribbling down anything more.
—
Hello again, I had framed the storyline in which it’s a tad more believable and to how I believe it may work out other than a dagger to the heart by Billy. I hope you enjoyed reading this piece! (:
There are few more Billy and Stu requested pieces coming your way, please be on the lookout for them!
Please reblog this post, I really appreciate it!!
Have a good day/night!! (:
#billy loomis x reader#billy loomis x you#ghostface x reader#ghostface x you#slasher x reader#slasher x you
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Seven in Silence
pairing: hwang hyunjin x reader
genre: heavy angst, romance, slight thriller, passion
warnings: family problems, anxiety, separation issues, depression, and light curses
word count: 17.1k
a/n: Hello everyone! I came back from the dead lol. This was not proofread but also the most interesting story I've handled because I wrote the first part two years ago and continued it this year. I really enjoyed how this one ended up and I hope you do too <3 (also any feedback regarding the way I changed [name] to y/n instead cause others seemed to be enjoying it better; what do you think?)
There I was again, planning to do the usual routine even at my best friend’s wedding. Right, I was supposed to be happily crying for her but today seemed off. The tears overflowing as I faced the mirror in the women’s restroom, burns my cheeks and sore my eyes. It hurts so bad but it isn’t as if that wasn’t my everyday lifestyle. I cried after knowing I had another day to suffer and wept in my sleepless nights. Common breakdowns, that’s it. I take this as something unacceptable though especially in the time my partner in crime would be off in her white dress. I should be in joy, rather than make her feel bad.
I sniffed and wiped away my tears. I pulled out a foundation on my favorite sling bag and placed it on my face to cover up the marks under my eyes. As I was about to leave, I hesitated twisting the doorknob. “Great” I sighed after remembering. I am not on good terms with some people she’s friends with, but I don’t want to break it to her. I shook all the thoughts away and took a deep breath to prepare myself. Opening the door, my first steps were something I was proud of.
Heading to the same table as they are, they greeted me with smiles. What I meant by that was ‘humiliating grins’. I despised it but I should make sure I wouldn’t cause another ruckus.
“Anyone with you?” Emily, the girl who mocked me in class way back in high school, decided to speak up. The remaining girl fake gasped and her eyes widened in false concern. “Sorry, shouldn’t have talked about it” smugly, she remarked.
They know well that my best friend is the only one I could count on. After my image was broken due to them setting me up, she’s the only one who accepted me at my worst. It still pains me that after this reception, I’d be all alone once again.
Without letting them recognize the effect they’ve placed on me, I gave a slight smile that remains unnoticeable and replied “It’s fine. I went here alone, and it doesn’t matter”. I let it off with a slight chuckle to make it appear as a joke but they understood the context in which her group rolled their eyes and some scoffed. Reminiscing the memories, I saw her crying to death when she couldn’t be accepted in their ‘sorority’. She couldn’t live without having someone by her side, but I could; that’s the difference I wanted to say.
Hearing the host clearing his throat, we were brought back to reality and faced him. He started with opening remarks that took too long for me to struggle to keep my tears back on my eyes. Swiftly acting as if I was admiring the place, I looked up and around the venue for a short while for it not to appear so obvious.
Hours came by and yes, she was married and it was a mission accomplished. Her partner or now known as her husband is a lucky guy to be able to live with Yuna throughout her life. Everyone needs a Yuna; I’m so happy for her but now that I can’t be that free in communicating with her as she had other duties as a wife, seemed to be a problem for me.
It was just us in a cafe right now to celebrate, like what her friends claimed to say. Awful, suffocating, I was so out of place because I never was in their group. Not that I would want to anyway.
Every time they’d joke, I forced a slight chuckle as if I was amused with everything they said. Yuna, who is quite naive, was really happy because I get to enjoy myself with them. Her friends, on the other hand, raised their eyebrows at me and tried to hold in their laughter because they intended to make an inside joke I’ve never heard of. My pride sank but all I could do was smile.
The room was filled with loud chatters, contrastingly, I sighed mentally. It was a crowded room but I felt lonely somehow. I’m convinced it reassured me that I would have to be alone at the end of the day, and it’s not helping me get over it. The walls continued to scream insecurities and insincerities.
Thus to distract myself, I shifted my eyes and it landed on a tall man in the window, just right after a couple finished eating and left it vacant. The atmosphere was pretty awkward after realizing his eyes reached mines. It took seconds until Yuna waved her hand in front, causing me to flinch a bit.
“Hey, are you on the same planet as me? What are you spacing out for?” She continued and exhaled deeply. I blinked my eyes and finally registered the sequence of events after a few minutes. The others started to laugh and commented about how funny I was, which was an act of sarcasm to continue their process of humiliating me in subtle ways.
“Are you desperate to the point that you’re seeing things?” Regine, Emily’s sidekick, boldly opened the discussion even in front of Yuna.
My best friend, of course, was left surprised and scolded her. “Gina!” she whisper-yelled and her eyebrows furrowed as a sign that she was disturbed by it. She started patting my back and I appreciated that she tried to console me somehow; even though it had hurt me more than enough.
“What? Even we’re curious!” They laughed in unison except for Yuna. My partner in crime didn’t know about my discomfort but she got the hint that they were used to talking bad about me. She was exasperated due to the reason that it was hard to believe. After all, I seemed ‘close’ with her group.
It did create a sting in my heart and indeed I thought of it. Was it my hallucination? But all I could focus on was the blonde’s eyes who seemed to know me so well. Yes, it was impossible, even I think I was going crazy. I wasn’t able to identify his face. If a handsome, perfect guy was to come my way, is it logical to comprehend that I’d forget him? Definitely not. I didn’t know what hit me; is it my drive of finding another friend who’ll love me even after being the worst? Was it guilt? I’m not too sure myself but his eyes held meaning. It was like he asked the same question as I did a while ago; have we met?
My gut tells me to follow after him and my curiosity cheered me on. “I’m excusing myself” I didn’t look back and quickly took my sling bag with me and left. My white flowy dress blew up a bit but dropped as soon as I placed my bag on me. I ran and heard Yuna calling me out and it’s conclusive that the remaining felt like they’ve won because my best friend shouted furiously at them. Though I didn’t care as I was fixated with the guy. There’s something about him.
Except he wasn’t in the same place anymore. Scanning the area, I looked at the slim streets in front. “He doesn’t seem to be there as well,” I thought. I heard footsteps coming from my side and warily turned around.
“Young missy?” He was there. Across the street, his silhouette starts to make its way to me. As soon as he saw my face, he brought up his camera and a flash blinded my eye. That strained a bit and so I winced. I blinked both of my eyes slowly to get rid of the slight feeling that makes me want to puke. The flash affected me but all he did was chuckle and so I glared at him. He then noticed I was ready to place him on his grave so he lifted both of his hands as an indication of surrender.
“I thought I was in heaven for a moment” I raised one of my eyebrows and bit my cheek in frustration. Call me childish and overreacting, it could affect my eyesight badly and I’m worried about that. Plus, it stings like hell.
The man could only laugh, in which I thought he was slightly guilty about it until he replied “I wouldn’t blame you after seeing such a figure of mine. I hear that compliment all the time”. I looked up to him in confusion and hoped he got the signal. I expected him to be embarrassed after my expression but he decided to continue. “Better start kneeling and praying!” he sang playfully and lifted one of his fingers to point at each side.
It was lame but I got the gist of it. I stared in pure disgust and rolled my eyes after seeing him tilt his head, suggesting something. Acting as if I could shrug it off, I raised my hand and waved it against the air despite my hidden blush. No one dared to hit me up, so I did sense my legs weakening but balled fists who is tempted to give that smug look an uppercut. “Cut to the chase.”
His eyes seemed to widen but narrowed soon after. He was listening and interested, that if my interpretation was right. He started to cross his arms and nodded as a signal to let me continue what I’m trying to say.
I was enveloped with embarrassment rather than this shameless guy. I gulped and pointed at him to which he responded with a sound that indicates a question. “You know me”, I bravely stated.
We stared at each other for minutes and each second makes me consider running or hoping I would be swallowed by the ground this instant. After the eyeing, he cracked up and held his stomach. “I know you?” Tears were forming in his eyes due to his uncontrollable laughter. I wanted to dissolve at the exact moment he calmed down but he cackled after because it makes my idea appear insane. But I mean, yes, it did sound like I was mental but why did he make it look like he knows me then? Why did he smile as if he wanted to start a conversation?
“Your eyes say so” I shot in another response and thankfully, he decided to settle down. The volume of his laughs was gradually decreasing so I had the opportunity to get over the shame I’ve felt. But this guy was up to no good.
He started to move towards me and I was crept out, stepping back slowly. He looked serious and stern, I was left shocked by his new demeanor. I bit my lip as I try to stand still and act unbothered due to our closeness. Our chests were pressed together and he bent down to my eye level. Nearer and nearer, he reached for my ear. “That’s love at first sight, darling”
And that was my limit. I kneed a stranger in between his thighs, really hard.
He let out a yell and bent down due to the unmanageable pain he felt. I backed down a bit and showed my palms. Great, now I am seen as more than crazy. I claimed that he knew me when I can’t even remember his name and physically hurt him.
“What the hell was that for?!” he exclaimed and by the look of it, I knew he was asking for the reason when he didn’t assault me or made any of my body parts bleed. Instincts wouldn’t be the right reason for that question as well, it seemed to be more of an excuse.
“Well I just thought-”
“For heaven’s sake! I may be a flirt, but I don’t take advantage of people. How daring of you to judge that fast” He scoffed and was certainly offended over the matter considering how he emphasized the word ‘that’. I was out of appropriate words that I could freely share. I wasn’t fond of guys much especially when they go near me. Let’s say it was an impulse.
There may be something more to it, precisely why he had thought that way but I didn’t want to dig deeper about it and act more all-knowing than I already am. I pissed off a stranger’s ego, causing him to leave and walk away.
“Um...Hey!” I desperately tried to catch up to him because maybe, just maybe, did I actually feel a bit bad about it. It’s odd with the high pride that makes me never back down from something even I knew was wrong, to admit and feel guilty. I bit my lip and inhaled deeply as I hoped he would turn around and hear me out. I wanted to shout his name aloud and catch his attention but I recalled I didn’t get to know his name. He called me young miss, so unintentionally, I did the same in a gender that matches his. “M-mister!”
Watching from behind, he places his camera inside his side bag and inserts both of his hands on the pocket after wearing his earphones. Acting like he didn’t hear anyone, he walked away in a chill posture.
My heels were clicking and red marks were all over my ankles. Crouching down as I leaned my weight on hands that were on top of my knees, I tried to catch my breath. I have frequent anger issues so instead of feeling sorry, I felt more annoyed than him. The man in a tux was stubborn and straight out ill-mannered with his impolite, vulgar words which show discourteous actions. I wasn’t judging, he had the personality of doing immoral things based on his dirty jokes. In short, he was angry for being who he actually was.
“Ugh whatever, who cares? It’s not like I’ll see him again” And with that, I rode a cab back to my apartment and decided to leave all my worries aside.
{MONDAY}
Disastrous. I believe that is what’s going to happen after a few more hours. If anyone of you is wondering what happened last night, let me elaborate.
After riding a cab home in the afternoon, it all started with my other internet friend, Lia. She is sweet and looked innocent but is very outgoing at times. We knew each other on discord by secretly stanning this billboard hit group, Stray Kids and so we decided to meet up. I thought it was a bad idea because it felt like things would go wrong especially when my mom told me not to trust anyone on the internet. Turned out, we had so much fun.
Now back to the story, Lia called me out of the blue and it was the last thing I needed after meeting with ‘mister’. I didn’t want to turn her down though, so I answered. I should’ve known that she would put me in a blind date as usual. I almost had forgotten about that after several months of not seeing her. She insisted I go just for the reason of having her boyfriend by herself. That was when I realized it was her partner’s closest friend. If any, I should be scared because if it doesn’t work out well, or maybe once my mood swings struck again, it would affect their relationship.
So here I am on a plain cafè I randomly picked out because he seemed uninterested. It had been 3 hours and observing the place, it doesn’t look like he is present nor on his way. Will he ditch me? maybe? probably? very? hell yes.
The universe is absolutely trying its best to let it seep into my mind that no one would love or find me attractive. Amongst all my 35 dates this year, everyone had my hopes up but leaves me in the dust soon after. It’s not that I expected him to date me because I’m used to getting turned down all the time, I thought he would’ve at least showed up.
4 hours passed by and it’s obvious he won’t be arriving. The moment I stood up to leave, I saw a familiar guy in sight; the man in tux. At least, he isn’t a stranger anymore but I wasn’t eager to see him. In fact, I never wanted him in my way or my vision. I had this bad image when it comes to him and it’s enough to make me cover myself up by turning around. There’s no use though, his eyes were quick to catch mines. I could hear footsteps coming and it’s making me lose myself. My head was in the opposite direction in which he couldn’t see me and I closed my eyes strongly, hoping a miracle would happen.
step. ‘Oh no, what am I going to say when he arrives?’
step. ‘goodness gracious. God pick me up’
step. ‘Isn’t he going to stop?’
step. ‘Damn, I’d rather be spending my whole life with those 3 mean girls than seeing him’
step. ‘send me back to hell, he’s getting close’
step. ‘and closer’
step. ‘I could hear his breath but please don’t say anything
step. ‘Not a word stranger, please’
“Hey?”
“Asshole”
My eyes widened in surprise due to my unintended murmur and I quickly turned around to face him. He put on the same reaction I had. Panicking, I covered up my mouth with my shaky hands. “I am- oh my god.... I’m so sorry” I ran my hands through my face aggressively and exhaled sharply. “i-it just came out” my voice was low enough to be heard as I wallowed myself up in mortification.
I then listened to the sound of the chair squeaking a bit, being dragged for the man to sit down. He sat in front of me and was willing to talk about things. Incredible, how more magnificent could my day be after being turned down and the guy who knew about it thought of me as someone crazy. “I’m hopelessly horrid, aren’t I?” I refused to look until I heard him let out the cutest laugh I’ve ever heard.
“still can’t get over yesterday?” he asked while placing his hand to let his head rest on it. I slowly lifted my head and gave another sigh that made him respond in a chuckle. Tugging my hair and looking at him with apologetic eyes, I do hope he understood I’m sincere about this.
“it’s just- I misunderstood things and offended you.... I am uncomfortable with guys plus something just happened that day that- yea...” I couldn’t sort out everything I wanted to say so I shifted my eyes to the side. Realizing I was close to crying in remorse and chagrin, I sniffed. After all, even though I looked like someone who seemed immature and doesn’t give a crap about everyone else, I was still a sensitive woman who just lost people and doesn’t want to make herself look more rotten and depressing than she already is. I needed friends but now that I have this ‘judgmental’ impression from the man, how can I have more people I could rely on? It’s also not him I’m in deep concern of, but other strangers who thought of me the same way he did. What if I was unintentionally rude to some? Dear me, I’m such a mess.
He must’ve noticed the teeny drops in my eyes that soon overflowed as I lifted my head, demanding the discreet tears to fall back in its cage. But it was to no use; he solved my puzzle way faster than anyone else who tried to have a gist of my life. It was a bittersweet feeling that arose my mind and touched my heart. Finally needing no words spoken, he knew what was lying behind the facade I was trying to pull dreadfully to save the only thing I have with me, my pride. Simultaneously, I loathe the idea of having a stranger identify my agony rather than those I trust which makes me come across conclusions that I was an open book or my friend was just gullible. I neither liked any of the conclusions stated so my mind ran off to hating him.
“Must’ve been hard...” Inhaling torment and breathing out pity, he thought of words that could ease my ache. I didn’t need his comfort charity but if I were somebody else who’d stare at me, the same thought comes up and I despised it. From the bottom of my heart, I meant every word I said. This is why I don’t open up discussions regarding my life, it makes everyone look down on me “Luckily, I’m still here. I’m quite the social butterfly and we fit don’t you think?” a subtle pout showed up in his lips but the right corner rose, making it look like a kittenish smile. I was not surprised though if we talk about this man, he’s always the ‘playful’ type. Taking his words literally, I interrupted.
“Because you’re the open type who have many friends but I was the unfortunate lonely lass? Opposite attract. Yeah right, such great chemistry” Bitterly, I spat those words like poison and rolled my eyes. Crossing my arms and huffed, ‘an indirect jerk’ I thought.
His hands shook in the air and his eyes started to panic to refuse my statement. He did think of it but I do know it was unintentional. Still, it just meant he pitied me a few minutes ago. “N-no! Of course not!” He tried to explain.
Even I can’t decipher my complicated moods but him trying his best to clarify for the whole 20 minutes quite had an effect on me. Chuckling in a low volume in which he instantly noted, I still bothered to hide my smile by placing my palm to cover my lips. His face turned smug and teasing, and I knew what he meant so I rolled my eyes and denied it by shaking my head but now in a humorous intention.
“You laughed” His eyes grew wide, making me resist those dark brown eyes. It made me lost in track for a moment but good for me, he wasn’t quick enough to notice that. It wasn’t a lie after all when he said he received such compliments of him being so heavenly; I was indeed in heaven after having a glimpse of him.
Before I could further analyze anything and start being creepy, I coughed to distract myself and responded to him lazily. “What? Don’t people laugh?”
He raised his hand just enough for the waiter to see and proceed heading to our table. I’ve thought of denying his offer but since he had already called on, it was fine anyway. What’s the worse that could happen?
“one iced americano” he didn’t even take time to read the menu and passed it on to me. Noticing my look in confusion, he asked as if I was judging him again “What?”
“Really?” My tone dropped and sarcastically asked. “just an espresso please. Thank you” quickly scanning over the menu and told the the waiter my order, the man went back and did his job. I faced back to the guy in a tux and my expression changed as fast. “An iced americano after it’s literally freezing outside?” His shoulders rose up and down to shrug but I could only chuckle in his mere response.
“Excuse me? I like Americano! chowa chowa~” We both sang in unison, cringing, though his eyes went larger as mine grew narrow because of the grin plastered on my face.
“Wah! That was scary, how did you know that?” that hit me in an effect different from what I wanted but honestly, the mood was a bit lighter than my experience in the past.
“Someone never failed to tell me that every day” with a sigh, I placed my head at the top my palm and smiled to myself. Oh, how I missed to hear those words again.
“May I know who?” He seemed enthusiastic considering the way he scooted closer comfortably. I knew I couldn’t get away with this kind of curiosity because he didn’t flinch a little when I gave him that oh-how-nosy-of-you look as if he stepped within the boundaries.
“I don’t know. I just know I talked to that someone.”
Confusion filled the loudest silence and I wondered what was wrong with what I said. Pretty sure some people don’t know all the details in their life right? Is it needed to learn this kind of information? He froze with mouth agape and I blinked, hoping he’d get back to his senses. It scared me as I looked back to everything that happened. I felt guilty, what for?
“Are you dumb?” he deadpanned looked at me and thought as if that was the lamest joke he had ever heard. Unfortunately, everything was real. I mirrored his emotions causing him to stutter all over. “I- what? Are you naive or were your memories taken away?!” He gasped so dramatically, not that I expected him not to.
“Idiot, if my memories were taken away, I would’ve known.” I lift my upper lip and stared at him in disbelief.
He cackled in response with his usual endearing laugh. “How would you know then if your memories were taken away?” Mimicking a cry, he can’t still hold his laughter back. Much more after I froze and let out a small ‘oh’ in realization. It gradually faded off and he flicked my forehead. “Idiot” he retorted my smug reply a while ago which made me scrunch my nose whilst leaving a playful pout, screaming the words ‘unfair’. “Cute” he mumbled lowly after seeing my face and it did made me look away for him not to notice the blush. He did though, my ears were beet red so he beamed a smile that I was only able to see in my peripheral vision. I didn’t take a peek of his whole look but I know I couldn’t resist to THAT.
As if the timing was perfect, the waiter came in with our little drinks that he decided to pay. We had quarrel over the payment that went on for almost 5 minutes. The waiter watched awkwardly and ended up receiving his instead of mines. While drinking each of our drinks, he opened up the conversation first.
“It’s unusual for you to” I placed my cup after his abrupt statement and tilted my head, asking him to go on.
“to what?”
“Well you know...” contemplating about his thoughts, he tried to sip on my drink to which I swatted away his hand. I raised my eyebrow in a bubbly manner and told him to quit around playing. “you smiling, it’s rare to see so” he brushed his hand dramatically as if he felt immense pain and replied.
“You don’t even know me?” I chortled at my comeback, twisting his words right back at him. The atmosphere was still friendly but the mood? Suddenly shifted into something serious I surrendered myself in the control I was striving to put up.
“I do know you”
I know it was meant as a joke but I’d like to believe half of it was directly true. Those eyes that pierced right through me once again had some sense of familiarity and belongingness. It’s as if I fled away from reality because everything was turning their backs on me, but he felt like home. It’s as if everything turned monotone but he was my only hope. It’s as if I used to ignore everyone but something makes me cling unto him. It’s as if I knew him but at the same time, I don’t. Was my misery too loud that it reached the heavens and pushed me into insanity? Or was he indeed someone I met? The presence reached through me even when he’s just staring. If I was asked just by the feeling of his existence, I know him, a hundred percent with no doubts. But in general? His physique and he in a tux were something new that made me convince myself he was a total stranger. Still, the thought itself isn’t as easy to shrug as it seemed. I would recklessly gaze into those eyes forever without knowing why.
“There you are again” Clicking my tongue, I began to bounce back to earth. I tapped my fingers to a fast and mischievous rhythm to make it seem I was angry. He laid on his back, pressing on the chair to be in a comfortable position which I found creepily attractive. “Those eyes!” I pointed my fingers at his deep gaze that turned into a startled expression. ‘He thinks I’m a joke’, I thought. It wasn’t enough to get me riled up on my nerves though because if I was in his position, who wouldn’t think I was lowkey a bad flirt?
“So what should I do to stop your gawking? Close my eyes?”
“Much better”
Favorably, this man doesn’t seem as bad as I thought he would be. He knows how to take a joke and accepts every word I say, whether it may be surprisingly good or blatantly messed up. Maybe we did just meet at the wrong step of the time.
{TUESDAY}
“So how did the date go?” I groaned just after hearing my thousandth time being dumped, probably.
Lia had the courage to call me and talk about it. I’m sure she was hoping my ’supposed to be date’ at least liked me, which was so opposite, and in no terms do I want to see him again. We were too relaxed with Lia so everything I say, even though I tend to be mean, she knew it was a flaw in my personality that couldn’t be fixed. In fact, she was kind of fascinated with how I looked so innocent and honorable but has a hidden persona of aggressiveness behind the public.
“Bloody hell, may the paradise sue me for what I will do shortly. Some witch needs an update.” I breathily recited my ‘chant’ to which she laughed so loud it could burst my ears and wake up my neighbors. I wasn’t on speaker, what would happen if I did?
“such a virago, bae!” I could just imagine her fanning her hands behind the phone with a teasing smile, mixed with nervousness. I heard her boyfriend’s voice along with Tienne, her partner’s younger sister. She was my favorite one so I decided to force her in turning on the video call.
As soon as she did, the young cute girl’s face lit up on my screen and I almost yell out a squeal. Lia knew damn well I love Tienne which is why she’d let her kid handle it.
“I missed you!” The 7-year-old fake cried which caused me to forget about my bad day and chuckle. She was playing with her usual favorite t-rex and a barbie, saying how barbie made the dinosaurs extinct using her big dream house car that brought pollution. This was so random and I honestly don’t know where she got such ideas. The most disturbing one so far was how she stated that dora was such a pick me and who acted blind because it was quirky. Kids weren’t supposed to know that, right?
“I missed you too, baby Tintin!” She isn’t a baby and in fact hates it when people calls her young, except for me though. I’m her favorite because I’m always with her when her so called parents are trying to have a date. Not that I would complain, I enjoy being with this lass.
The boyfriend arrived with an Oreo in hand as he waved after seeing me.
“Hey, hey shortcake. Long time no see!” He was in his usual long brown coat paired with a white polo, rolled-up sleeves and brown loose pants. Taking off the glasses he wore, he approached Tienne and smiled through the screen.
“Looks like the giant is dressed-up. How big of an effect Lia had on you for you to bother wearing such ‘boyfriend’ material outfit?” I rolled my eyes and he laughed once again, remembering high school days where I used to force him to wear decent clothings that doesn’t make him look like a rebel.
He groaned while smiling, partially tired at the fact that he had repeated the words that’ll come out of his mouth over several months. “Big time. I really love that woman” His eyes showed sincerities despite the joke I just gave. This blue haired guy does seriously love her.
I bitterly smiled and my hands twitched a bit after seeing such view. Of course he was my long time best friend, he knows what I’m feeling. Not missing an opportunity, he looked back at the screen and raised an eyebrow. “Jealous, aren’t we?”
At that very moment, I did want to punch him through the screen. “Well at least tell your friend to show up before rejecting a girl he hasn’t seen yet” The boy seemed so amused in response that tears were coming out due to his uncontrollable laughter.
“I showed him a picture of you before the blind date” and oh, was that my final straw of the day. He didn’t want to miss the expression so despite the hard laughs, he tried to take a peek at my reaction.
I was as red as a tomato, boiling. “Frick you! Rot in hell, you titan!” I slammed the table and hissed a bit due to the pain felt but I pouted to show how stressed I was.
“But you look pretty! Are you always going to believe on those ideas of yours?” The laughs were nothing closer to dying down. At that moment, he seemed as if he was close to bursting. “And you know what he said?” Placing his head atop his hand that was resting on his table, he asked me directly. Of course I knew the answer.
“Oh, she’s kinda not my type.” We sang in unison as if we shared the same braincell. The only difference was the aftertaste. He laughed harder, while my frown gets lower.
“What a great day to ruin my date, boy. Got ‘ya self a lover and decided to ditch me whilst betrayin’ behind my back”. I slightly fell back on my seat comfortably and stared at the ceiling.
His laugh drowned after a few minutes and he spoke with a hint of seriousness “you look pretty smiling, I’ve always told you that shortcake.”
My eyes widened a bit with the sudden confession and looked through the screen, in which I saw no figure anymore. One of my eyebrow raised and my smile grew softer. He still do care about me. After all, I was like his little sister. The thought of it made me feel secured and contented.
Well not until I heard a few kisses through the call. “Oh dear gracious, not in front of a declined girl!”, I responded to which they could just let out a few laughs at my remark. And yes just like siblings, they are so fond of my misfortune.
“What took you so long, though?” I could tell that Lia waited for hours just to ask me a question she pondered on for so long. I knew what she meant but asked once again to ensure we got the same idea.
I hummed in question and saw her figure approaching the camera. “That rejected date of yours. What made you sit for several hours until late at night and arrive smiling?” Her man echoed the last words she had spoken like a broken record. He eyed me curiously and waited for me to speak up. Guess I have no choice when two of those orbs stare at me like hawks that are ever ready to bite when denied. I guess I can’t escape.
I tilted my head and accidentally leaked out my inner thoughts “Weird, I thought our talk only lasted for a few minutes” It was a moment before realization dawned unto me. They were as fast as how wind blows though, they caught unto it.
Lia clicked his tongue and smiled as the giant all-knowingly prolonged his words to make it seem like he got the idea.
“It’s not what y’all think” I rolled my eyes and cleared the obvious suspicion their aura is channeling over to my house that is several miles away.
“We didn’t say anything though”, Lia’s boy narrowed his eyes and looked at the mentioned girl who quickly agreed on his statement. “Unless, you thought of something”, he continued and emphasized the last word. A tiny glint of his eyes contrasted with his omniscient smirk that glowed on my screen.
I stared for a few seconds trying to find an excuse, but I was caught on the act. “Oh come on! Everybody thinks” I turned my back around and yielded in the tight battle.
“There ye go again, beatin’ ‘round the bush lady!” He sang as he and Lia both left the frame, leaving me and little Tienne alone.
I shook my head in disapproval however my thoughts were fixated unto Lia’s comment. ‘I smiled while arriving’, my heart beat rose quickly for a second and blamed it on my anemia. But then again, if I may have had quite the fun yesterday, maybe mister wasn’t so bad after all.
Forgetting I was still on the line, baby Tienne responded, “Are you in love?”
Instead of denying the question quickly, I decided to ask her as to stir my interest. “And what made you think that way?” My voice slightly raised its pitch as I was talking and trying my best to make a 7 year old kid understand how love even works; despite me not knowing anything about that at all.
“That look, my brother looks at Lia that way. Your smile” she grinned sheepishly, looking more adorable than she already is. I was distracted by her gleaming eyes until I processed what she had just said.
Grabbing a mirror, the papers on my desk flew and some fell down but all I could see was my replica staring like a red ball, making me look like someone who blew a balloon really hard. “Oh gosh, I look like exploding” my arm covered the prominent red blush that spread all over my face.
Tienne giggled and remarked: “you’re weird”
{WEDNESDAY}
I hated snows, much especially on first snows. Ask me for the reasons? Not a good idea. I could only reply with a ‘maybe I was rejected after a couple of supposedly romantic confessions during snow’ or a ‘maybe because I was still currently refused by a guy the moment the first snowflakes fell.’ I stared at the empty park and sighed much more heavily compared to the past.
I opened my note and jotted down a single word: snow. The lingering feeling of coldness touching my skin as I try my best to stay warm reminds me of my past days, trying to desperately breathe in a situation I can’t change. The heavy feeling that grows as light as how its flakes fall. Elegantly in slow motion, if I must describe. Yet it’s temperature is affecting me in a way it doesn’t intend to. Generally, me and snows are simply incompatible. Maybe fate doesn’t follow.
I stepped back and felt my foot sink deeper into the pile of white cotton. It sucked my leg mesmerizingly but I got back on track as soon as I heard a sound behind me. I placed my guard up and spun around cautiously just to see a playful smile in front of my eyes. I flinched once in surprise, gasped in shocked, and blinked in disbelief.
“Again?!” My brain was unable to process the flow of events as my fingers pointed to the same mister that was in my head for the past few days.
“Ah, fate’s dirty works” his shoulders rose as he chuckled and stared at the enchanting view that sat in front of us. Grabbing his camera, he clicked on the button and took a look at his shot. Tilting it sideways, I could only hold on my scarf to avoid slipping into his eyes and focus on the thing he had shown me. After a little peek of a masterpiece, I smiled before replying.
“Again with you and your photographs.”
“I love my shots, this way I could never forget about how such beauty gleams on moonlight or even the sunshine rays. I’m a bit picky, so I believe everything that is stored here is a work of art” He thought deeply and held his camera tighter with deep passion, as if embracing it to heart.
“So each shot you take also depends on your preference?” He handed me the camera and for the first time in the day, we made eye contact. I quickly diverted my gaze on the pictures and swipe through them as he explained.
“I only remember those I love,” past I scrolled on a girl looking more likely to be in her mid 30s. Same smile he wore and same eyes they glowed, I could presumably say it’s her sister with no doubt. “Those I admire,” the next that came in the talk was a bunch of his idols. Some I knew, some I don’t. “And those I’m most interested in” ‘Hobbies’, my inner tone speaking out appeared excited than expected.
And yet, I was met with a picture of a girl on a white loose dress under the shimmering night sky. Her expression wincing - could also be taken as squinting - I wasn’t too sure what prompted her to have so. May it be the sudden fright she must have had felt, the new feeling rushing down her veins, or simply the strong light of the camera that could’ve blinded her eyes. She was a reflection of me, simply me, during the day we first met. Under the streetlight, the moment he and I closed our distance and stared at the other. The only moment I was able to get sidetracked away from my depressive and monotone months. Maybe there was light, not from the camera nor the streetlight, but from him.
My head unconsciously tilted upwards as to clear what he was trying to say.
“Y/n, I want to know more about you.”
Those few minutes staring unto his eyes, were sucking me like hours. Absorbed and indulged, this scene was deeply imprinted on my mind when I don’t want it to. ‘You can’t be interested in people you had just met, much especially when you know it’s more than curiosity’, this rained on Korea within my mind’s void. Though repeated like a desperate prayer, my mind forgets to remind me that he was bad idea. One word of his, I pause. One step of his, my world stops. One look of his, it continues spinning once again, but now with the thought of progressing the years along with him. Just like how my mind swiftly swings, I feel the sense of slow motion every time he comes but fast forwarded whenever I think about myself, both of us. Fast forward, wherein I’d be holding his hand. Fast forward in time wherein he’d caress me with affection along with those deep brown eyes.
Fidgeting my fingers, I loosened one arm and placed it on my side near him. His eyes trailed unto my now lowered head that still continued staring on the pictures. I gulped and hesitated as I slowly gave him back the camera while avoiding eye contact. “I hate snow”, a mumble was all I could utter. Hoping I was hidden on the red scarf, my mind was lost in thoughts once again.
Winter, I always feel something around this time of the year. For no reason, a forlorn’s heart is wretched deep in the grave. In ordinarily suffocating, a burdened body carrying her soul. Inexplicably hopeless, determined - if I must sugarcoat the word - to the point that I am so good at making things out of nothing.
Instead of bewilderment passing through his eyes, he looked up and agreed. “Yeah”, breathily he spoke. He knew what was going on my mind once again. Was I enchanted in seeing him or was I enchanted just because he was like a reflection I didn’t need to open up to for him to understand?
Nonetheless, I could feel him softly smiling beside me as he took notice of my hand creeping up on his jacket, holding unto it discreetly. He knew I still wanted him to stay, despite the contrasting effect I placed on my words and the actions of pushing him away.
A few minutes then, he stood and I opened my eyes to face him. Slight surprise was evident in my face, much more after he held out his hand. “Let’s go.”
“Where to?” I stuttered along my words. With the same smile, he declared his statement like a promise;
“Let’s go make snowy days your favorite time of the year.”
“Hey,” he spoke casually but prolonged his words just enough to make me wonder why he had that tone as he spoke. Looking almost immediately, he replied and looked into my eyes with a contemplating face, “do you believe in love at first sight?”
My eyes slightly widened and he smiled as he noticed the surprised look on my face. After all, I thought my insanity was way too one sided. “So you felt it”, My lips turned downward as my eyebrows went upward, showing an expression of shrugging the thought away, despite internally taking it to heart.
He slowed down the car on a red light and adjusted himself on his seat. “Well, not exactly.” He spoke in a sing-song tone before continuing as to not leave me hanging on his thoughts. “Mine was love at first sight, yours is the idea of soulmates”
I cracked a laugh absentmindedly as he tried to remember which part of his statement deserved a slight mockery. “I did feel like I know you, but never did the thought of being connected to one another, or at least whatever anyone calls that, came into my mind” I looked away from his deep eyes staring into me and signaled him to start the car as the streetlight showed the color green. A part of me was also hoping it would act as a diversion to stop the unnecessary talk.
Being the bubble gum he was, he was a traditional man who took ‘get to know a woman first’ way too literally, maybe even too much. “So you don’t believe in that concept?” He thought to himself, but curiosity made him want a response from me. I could object to his actions quickly, but his assumptions were right.
“Correction mister, it does not exist.”, I confidently spoke
“And what in the world made you dreadfully oppose to this view?”, he retorted
Another assumption, but he was right and I couldn’t bring myself to talk back again. I pointed my finger at the switches and complicated buttons I’ve seen on his side, to express that I wanted to lower the window. He simply pressed on the mentioned, particularly to my liking. Weird, I thought he’d only lower it a little.
I leaned my head outside and closed my eyes to take a moment before finally responding after a sigh. “People come and go. None are perfectly suited for each other, if that’s how its definition goes.”
He tilted his head, not in agreement but also not against my thoughts. Therefore, I took it as a moment to continue my explanation. “A soulmate is simply a word people perceive just for reassurance. If one’s single, then his or her so called soulmate will appear soon in the perfect time. That’s what they all say, but it simply is thought just to avoid the fear of being alone, disappointment and other negative aspects that they think could possibly affect their quality of life. But if they’re taken then broke up, just like how typical couples are fated to die down, they’d also call the same plea for self-encouragement that a perfect man would miraculously appear in their life like some hero in a romance drama.” I rolled my eyes and shook my head in disapproval as I continued speaking in disgust, “it’s sick.”
I could feel him staring straight at me so I did as well to see what he could reply after my utterance. His expression agape, leaving him speechless when I knew he initially had a speech prepared. The sudden silence made me tense up quicker than I thought, so I cleared my throat to bring him back to earth. “What?” I cursed myself mentally for breaking the eye contact first, but thank the heavens it saved my life. “Mister!”
My voice successfully knocked some sense out of him as his eyes trailed to where my eyes were directed at. His expression turned into something beyond panic and surprise, as he quickly pulled the brakes at a red light.
Our bodies bounced back like fishes off sea and I could feel my heartbeat racing faster than when I had first met him. This is when I knew it was a really strong feeling. “Are you planning to kill me?!” I exasperatedly threw my hands in the air.
He could only chuckle after a moment of calming the adrenaline rush we’ve felt and finally eased up before explaining himself, which was very unnecessary given the situation we’re in.
“Gosh, you are breathtaking” he bit his tongue as he grinned playfully. He’s really joking at a time like this? Now, I was the one who had my jaw dropped, not because of confusion but due to incredulity. Blinking twice to see if he wanted to retract his words, it was of no use. “It made me almost ran the red.”
“No, but really, that rap performance you gave a while ago seemed too personal.”, he thought and rapidly changed the topic.
“If personal, why pry?” I spoke in a deadpan tone because even if my heart rate had calmed down, my brain wasn’t able to process what had happened if I had not looked down the road. “Besides, there is no such thing as soulmates. It’s just a bunch of coincidences to keep the hopes of people up. They are blatantly yet stupidly and unknowingly lying to themselves.”
“Well, I beg to disagree, young missy.” His arms leaned unto the wheel and he slightly intertwined his fingers to properly refute my baseless explanations. “Soulmates are real, just like you and I.” His ego rose as I groaned in annoyance. I actually adjusted myself to hear his opinion, just to take a false assumption from him. He chuckled and nudged me as a sign that he’ll finally be proper for once. Well, thankfully he did.
“All jokes aside, there are people that are meant to be for each other. No matter how life brings them down, fate would still tie them together with no escape.”
“See how the world toys with people?”, I bitterly questioned.
“Yes, but I find that very interesting when it comes to the idea of soulmates. The way it makes people feel like the person they’d end up with is the only right one after all the wrongs they’ve seen before. That’s what makes it special. There’s no “toying” present; it’s simply fate.”, he spoke lightly as if whispering while showing his eye-smile.
“That’s too dramatic and vague by the way”, I casually critiqued
“Vague.” He looked up for a while after echoing my words and thought, “maybe it’s because second chances are part of my beliefs. With no factual explanations based on science, It seemed like it’s one with me.”
“Directly, you’re trying to say you just believe in it. That’s it.” I tried to help him get out with this ‘beating around the bush’ behavior I dislike.
“Maybe or maybe not.”, I rolled my eyes again in response. “The world is more than what we see. And in this world, we may have not known that there are people destined to be with others and encountered them in their past lives. Maybe some kind of resurrection built by deep affection, if I must say. A second chance brought by fate, a second chance that was persuaded to arrive because of how intense the relationship or bond is. I believe in those. With equal yearning felt by each other, nothing is impossible, y’know?”
He looked very lost in his words and I didn’t know when to interrupt. As if by ‘fate’, he finally paused for a moment to look at me. Except, I didn’t know what to respond to his sayings. Both of our ideas aren’t even scientifically proven or factual, they are just metaphorical statements that aren’t needed to be spoken because none of these could change anything at all. People couldn’t see and hear, nor would the heavens comply with our contrasting requests. Yet, the desperate aggression we know we’ve felt despite our calming and frisky voices, was quite personal. Why were we so eager to insist our perspectives? His eye smile almost made me forget how quickly he’d react whenever I spoke my side and how his eyebrows would furrow in seemingly disappointment because I don’t get his.
Confrontation wasn’t my side though, so I played along with his ‘dodging’ game. “The concepts of soulmates doesn’t only revolve in second chances though, that example was oddly specific”, I chuckled to not appear crystal clear.
Instead of a quick response or interruption like he’d usually do, he instead paused again before letting out a hesitant titter. My eyes scanned through his face and saw him gulped, which unconsciously made me feel awkward as well because of how uncomfortable he seemed in a second. “I mean- A situation, I guess. Just to expand and make it a whole lot clearer. Yeah.” The volume of his voice gradually decreased as I echoed his last word. Now, it was my time to clear my throat.
Acting as if I was admiring the scenery during the car ride, he halted after a few minutes. We ended up on a little street and I was caught off guard when he opened my side of the car door. It must’ve meant we already had reached our destination. Why is he taking me here? Still, there’s something that always keeps me hanging unto him. Maybe he wasn’t the only one stricken by curiosity.
He beckoned me to enter and I trailed behind his back. There, we entered a peaceful and little home with red dreamcatchers on the right side of the interior wall. What caught my eye though was the piled books in the shelves with a man’s name on it, in which I assumed belonged to his. I never knew he was the type to easily get immersed with books; talk about a perfect guy. Unfortunate was I to say that even if he had courted me, we were characters predestined on an asymmetrical time flow.
As soon as I entered the house, I could still feel the cold air from outside. It was as if it had been long since someone visited here because the air warmers seemed broken. Don’t get me wrong though, the surroundings was clean - way too clean for my liking, way too clean to be true. This flawless orderliness would only be possible if one had come here to sweep every minute as there is an absence of even a speck of dust. But then again, it was cold.
I approached the stair rail beside me and hung my red scarf before proceeding to the living room. “Coffee or tea?” The mister asked while facing towards the kitchen.
“Do you have juice?” Both of my eyebrows rose and my mind hesitated whether that was an appropriate thing to ask. Hoping it did not make me look demanding, I waited for his reply.
“Sure”, he timidly spoke and gave me a smile once again. However, I noticed his shilly-shally to leave me out of his sight.
“I’m fine”, I chuckled as he also replied with one. I was mistaken though, as he still seemed to ask me something on his mind but decided to bite his tongue for it may look weird. Delaying his steps, his words trailed slowly as the volume gradually decreased. “Where..?”
“Maybe in the upper cabinet beside the refrigerator”, I tittered at the thought of him not knowing where the powdered juice in his home is.
A hint of surprise following mines gave me reassurance that I was right. I decided to scroll my eyes along the album that was almost unnoticeably placed under the table with only a page hanging off in the corner of my sight. It was normally something others would undoubtedly ignore but everything about him struck my curiosity; even if it’s merely something related to him. Without hesitation, I took a closer look at it and unintentionally had it up in my lap as I scanned the pictures.
There, a little kid around 4 or 6 years old is sitting in a twin-sized bed along with a beautiful lady who had her arm wrapped around his son’s shoulder. The ring on my hand touched the picture’s texture as I brought out the photo from the memory book to determine the uncanny sight. In one look, it resembled a family in the mid 1990s that would make one sense jealousy in themselves because this published a dream almost none could reach. Happy and rich, full of excitement. However, blink and take a second look, one could notice the indifference present in the face of the little boy. The charisma the mother exhibited overpowered the kid to paint a happy picture that would please everyone’s eyes. But the latter’s smile was way crooked, showing uneven proportions that should’ve been aligned with his eye. The brown orbs that looked ever beautiful was isolated from the look he wanted others to perceive. It was metaphorically flat and literally dull. Though if the smile was only looked solely, it seemed as if he was in a manic state.
My head started to lean near the picture slowly to view the sight that gradually became horrid. The traumatizing scene could easily influence such an apparently unfaltering mood. If invisible blood from the ones you were forced to kill spilled out from those guilty, innocent, and pitiful eyes, appeared as a picture; no doubt it would be this.
“That’s me when I was 6, year 2006 along with mom”, Mister came back with two containers in hand, one’s a teacup, the other’s a tall cup. Hesitation was evident in his last word but I flinched almost too obviously that I knew I was guilty yet persuaded myself that invading a family treasure would be fine without asking for a proper permission because I’m scared of receiving a single ‘no’. I sighed mentally at my idea of being nosy when it comes to other people’s business. Might be a red flag, but what can I do when my life’s too boring for me to get invested at?
However, I couldn’t quite decipher what truly disturbed me in hearing his response; whether it was his thoughts of me suddenly opening a personal object, this guy was the same kid who used to have an awful smile and had glasses on his twin-sized bed, him looking quite uncomfortable talking about his mother, the fact that the pictures were old yet they only had bought a shiny new album recently, the set up was very much around the nineties yet he was born in 2000, or the idea that I had so many ideas when it comes to him because I unusually, and very much weirdly, am so concerned about his life and perceptions about him. Nope, definitely (hopefully) not the last one.
My eyes awkwardly blinked twice and I could feel my cheeks heating up with a slight tint of pink. Clearing my throat before anything could get worse, I chose to give a remark regarding the second to the last question. “Vintage. Your family’s on the traditional side?”
“You could say that”, he spoke while slowly dragging himself near me with a sharp breath. I unconsciously stiffened up for a moment, glad he didn’t noticed it this time. His finger moved through the album and pointed at the little kid with glasses. Following a chuckle, he added “biggest plot twist in my life”
I looked away at the book for a moment to think before I responded with a dramatic gasp, “I feel like I’m looking at two different people”
His eyes met with mine and he laughed so heavenly while clapping his hands. It slowly died down and he shrugged along my disbelief. “I can’t believe that’s me either. Maybe it’s the ‘mom’s effect”
“Mom’s effect?”
He hummed and replied, “the trauma maker”
I bitterly giggled as I could relate to him this time. “Then it’s the dad effect for me” Looking towards him to show I’m ready to listen, I nudged him slightly. “You start, I finish”
“Ah, but the finishing touch is the highlight!”
“Then I appreciate getting the spotlight, mister” I slyly stated while narrowing my eyes, to which he responded with eyes rolled.
“Hwang Hyunjin”
“Ohh,” I teasingly reacted while showing my empty ring finger “You haven’t told me your story yet and now we’re on a name basis?”
“Yes, a name basis. Not on a first name basis” he slowly pronounced each word to highlight the bitter truth, along while pointing his finger straight at me. He then held my hand and it caused my eyes to slowly land on them just to see him place it back on my side. I couldn’t utter a word or maybe I simply chose to refuse. My jaw was left dropped as he shook his head with playful disappointment before turning his back at me. Talk about having a full army attack you, unarmored.
“You?!” My British accent showed up on the worst timing possible. Though I could say it added a more comedic touch in my skit. I guess living in London for a few years just to avoid a father’s tantrum isn’t so bad after all. “You, of all people, chose to ignore me? Nobody could resist this beauty, I daresay” I stopped after a few tracks after his sudden turn. His face were a few inches away and I was startled for quite a bit. Still, it doesn’t mean that the zoom in wasn’t humorous. He’s still a fine man though, he didn’t waste much of his cool points.
“Unfortunately darling, I was called a nobody in my family. Does that count?” He questioned to add a risible scene in my play. Oh, he is a whimsical man for sure. It bewilders my mind pretty bit to think that there are people out there that isn’t entertained by him. Either it’s my broken sense of humor or theirs, he’s got something that makes a person very intrigued.
He turned his back once again so I grabbed his hand and now it was I who made him surprised. “You still can’t get away with this.” My smile glimmered but my eyes remained determined “tell me your story,” I whispered.
His smile dropped for a moment but he sat first on the sofa. Patting it twice, I followed him soon after. “I wasn’t this type of person initially”, he spoke to break the silence.
“On the picture or the one I’m facing right now?” My body slightly leaned right to look towards him as I laced both of my hands and placing them atop my lap.
“Which do you prefer?” The tone was so like — well, him but the question may appear serious if taken on a different note. Who’s to say I can’t like both?
“Can I assume you meant you weren’t the type to open up to people?” A smirk was plastered on my face but it can’t stop there. I gave him a teeny wink, which I knew he’d notice immediately given he’s attracted to details. I hope ‘attracted’ was the accurate word, not obsessed. It makes me shudder to think he was made the latter, if ever, because of his own family.
“Unbelievable, miss. Just-“ he chuckled before continuing “You’re unbelievable” It can be taken in only two perspectives. The first one would be a rude tone and the second could be taken as a compliment. Not only does he have a great sense of humor, but he was mysterious as well. No matter what kind of emotions he’d express, I don’t think anyone ever had the chance to pass through his walls of mind.
“What can I say? According to my father, I am a simpleton. And I agree. I look at things very simple and even when it comes to people! Everyone either likes me or hates me, no in between. And as for our case,” I pointed at him and myself before rapidly switching sides of my finger to show the unity and placed it back on my lap. “I think we’re far enough from hatred”, I simpered.
“You need to stop making yourself special” he sipped from his cup after lifting it up for cheers.
“I am special” I responded to his greetings.
“I dreadfully wish I could deny that” He clicked his tongue after his reply. He muttered the words to himself, I assume, because of its volume. Yet I also do believe it was meant to reach me given the silence afterwards as if he was waiting for me.
“What’s stopping you?” I gave out a short chuckle, somewhat similar to his which made me slightly alarmed. Truly, I am not fond of him, am I?
“The fact that you are”
A swish of the wind passed by as I stopped for a moment, “Oh, a smooth talker you are. I despise you.”
“Well then, here ya go.” He waved his hands towards me, hinting that he got through me for a split second. “You got a past!” He gasped dramatically.
“If you think you can get away from you explaining your past, then you’re wrong. Quit the delay, mister”
“Pressuring me just after you know my name? How fierce. I like that in a girl.” I simply rolled my eyes and let out a groan before he showed a teeny smile and continued.
The car ride took another few 30 minutes going home but I felt like we’ve been going on a loop for several hours. The ride home was eerily silent, a clear contrast compared to the way to his place. And it’s not sadness I’m feeling right now, but pity and confusion. He discussed his past using his mother’s perspective and words, which made him insecure and stopped me from asking how he felt. His mother was in control of him after all; his eyes, his mouth, and his skin acted as if they were reflections of his mother’s view of an epitome of an obedient son.
He warned me that I’d view him differently if I heard his story, that I’d be disgusted and disappointed of how he had the right to live and laugh after he used to be at an awful state with his mother, thinking he never deserved to do so.
I got off the car after the slight hesitation and bit my lip before I bid goodbye. I felt a slight tinge of pain because I thought his eyes would peer through mine, trying to tone it with an ‘I told you so.’ Except, I never got to meet his eyes at the end of the day, leaving me frozen still as he left without uttering a word.
I sighed and went straight to bed soon after while rethinking everything that had just happened. I never felt disgusted, not one thought of leaving him had run across my mind. In fact, maybe a part of me wanted him to love his self and see the beauty I’m seeing as I wish to view those eyes for eternity. It was until the moment that I have concluded the night; Uh oh, I’m falling in love with Hwang Hyunjin.
{THURSDAY)
I woke up in a messy state. I could hear faint ringing coming from my ears as my head start to hurt a bit. I didn’t know where this slight pain came from but I presumed the reason was because I couldn’t sleep well yesterday. There were mainly two reasons and a suspect. For one, I couldn’t sleep as I thought I had concluded yesterday that I love a guy I recently met. Second, I couldn’t sleep because I debated that these feelings weren’t real and I was simply getting distracted from the darkness that swooped me days ago. I am a smart woman and I know for sure the most stupid thing a person can do is romantically trusting a guy. But all these reasons only have one suspect, and out of all, it had to be Hwang Hyunjin. And oh, how it torments my mind upon realizing I can’t place the words ‘just’ and him on the same sentence. I can’t belittle him at all; he has that face, humor, smile, words, and understanding for me that can’t put me at ease. He makes me so giddy but I feel comfortable in his presence. Really, what is he and what is it he’s making me feel?
As an instinct, I went out and reached for my phone before I was stopped at a sudden thought that he still was a stranger to me. I mentally cursed upon remembering I don’t even have his number yet. All I have is a name and his past that gives me no leads about his whereabouts. ‘Too much for true love, my ass.’ I sighed, rolled my eyes, and shook the negative feeling away. It was nothing, I was sad and heartbroken. It could be thought of as a one-night-stand without all the sexual contact. It’s temporary, just how love should be. Non-draining, non-distracting, and unattached. It’s a way to actually protect one’s heart than laying it out in full vulnerability.
I stood on my feet and took a shower. Just like an innocent party night out, I hoped to clear my mind alone in a cafè as I have not too many friends to go together with.
If I were to earn a dollar for every sigh that escapes my lips, I’d become a millionaire overnight. I gave myself a mental facepalm as I stood in front of the same cafe I once met Hyunjin. It was not to clear my mind but rather to fill my mind with him again. I was teeny hoping he’d be here, assuming it’s his usual spot. But my trail of thought and clear flowery daydreaming was interrupted as I’ve seen frightened eyes shot at me. The staffs inside stared at me in terror and some of the customers oddly peered as if asking for proper verification from the others that they’ve seen right. With gaping mouths and frozen eyes, one of them brazenly marched forward to me. It was an eerie sight that I couldn’t bear to overcome, even when I had the feeling I was overthinking the situations again. I could feel myself shaking that I had to quickly turn around.
Much to my thanks, someone grabbed ahold of me and took me to a quiet alley with not much of people but had breathtaking scenes. I was about to scream until I saw a familiar face holding his finger up as an act to shush me up. My hands were still practically shaking at the sudden anxiety that stroked me in day and my thoughts raced back and forth until my mind couldn’t keep up with it anymore. The edges of my eyes used to appear soft like the ground’s surface softening in rain until the tears were now brimming my eyes. Gladly, it can be seen as some sort of a splash; strong and speedy. But again, Hyunjin was able to notice such and tried to calm me down. He was almost embracing me with his palms resting atop the knuckles of my closed hands. He didn’t say a word except slow hush sounds as his thumb ran circles that eased my shakiness. I wasn’t even completely enveloped in his arms but it felt so warm because the soft tone of his humming reached through me that it almost felt like he whispered sweet nothings. My eyes were closed shut so I couldn’t see, could barely hear, and yet his presence, merely his presence, was enough to calm me down.
“Hyunjin…” I weakly spoke out and he reassuringly replied,
“I’m here.”
It took me a several minutes before I was able to calm down and when I did, I was aware of his presence. My breath hitched and I started to fix my dress; a hint of awkwardness present within the air.
“So… Were you just about to enter the cafè?” I cleared my throat and asked. It seemed like a casual question but I looked up to him in little hopes before giving a follow-up in a low volume almost he couldn’t hear. “Or did you have other plans?”
Hyunjin was an attentive guy, and I thought he was much more thoughtful on the details that involved me. But he shrugged off the last part because it seemed out of the place without context. “Yes, it’s my go-to place,” he tried to lighten up the mood when he showed his prince-like smile everyone would swoon over.
My cheeks were heated up with his response. Of course! After all, I did want to enter this cafè because I thought I’d see him. It’s totally understandable it would be left one-sided. I wanted the ground to swallow me up as I thought he was interested in seeing me too. What was wrong with me?
In panic, I hurriedly spoke and gradually stepped back until I wanted him out of my sight “Right, right! I’m so so sorry I interrupted your day. I wanted to enter the cafè too, I mean just because the food taste good and I love the ambience. It’s such a nice place, isn’t it? Totally, I mean, that is solely why you wanted to go here in the first place.. right? Of course, glad our tastes match! I’m really sorry, now you could go on and continue your day because I will now take my leave-“
“And I also wanted to see you”
Oh.
He added and held my wrist with a slightly shocked expression as well that I had to leave immediately. The stiffness of my body then started to soften up as well before I breathed out another sigh and feebly agreed, “I did too.” A few seconds is what it takes to look into each other’s eyes and realize that we’re thinking the same thing. However, he caught me off-guard today. “Come with me, y/n.” Honestly, I hesitated. Does it feel right to entrust myself in the arms of this guy? Does he feel right? Rationality would reject his offer, but my eyes landed on his. It’s those eyes again. It’s what reminds me of how much great of a guy he’s been and how I could imagine myself in his company. Now the question shifts and all I could ask is “How could I say no to that?”
{FRIDAY}
Yesterday was great, too great for my liking. It made me forget how it went very well, made me ignore the fact that the universe punishes beings at the end of the day. I remembered eating strawberry ice creams, a spoon for two. We went watching sunsets in the dock after experiencing a short cruise at night. The last thing I could recall was plopping flat on the sheets as I stared at his wide smile that I realized made his eyes tiny. Such a warming eye-smile. That upwards curve shaped by his pink-tinted lips was the first feature in the moment wherein I looked at anything first before his brown eyes. That’s when I knew he was more than just first impressions. There were greater adventures with him than subtly looking in those eyes. And just as I was about to decide to know him better, he left with no word. I woke up, all alone.
The ringing of the phone brought me back to my senses. I answered the call and I heard Lia on the end of the phone, “I honestly don’t know other ways to tell you the truth y/n, he’s not answering, he will never answer because whoever this is you’re telling me to call, the number is not available. It’s gone, y/n. It’s gone.” My hands tapped furiously at the phone for a short while before I hastily replied and dropped the phone call “It’s not right. Something’s wrong, y-you’re calling the wrong phone number and I know I can’t reach him too on my cell but we were just sleeping together last night.”
Another ring came up but I decided to ignore it. I quickly showered that I did not even remembered if I washed my hair. All I know was that I changed into the clothes I found first on the cabinet and made sure to bring my phone. I strolled through the same streets and places we went while finally calling back Lia. 13 missed calls. My hands gripped tighter on the phone and prayed it was good news.
“Sleeping together? What just- how did-?” I interrupted her and spoke, “We were so tired after grabbing strawberry ice creams, strolling on the docks, going on a short cruise, that we went to sleep and I could barely remember anything afterwards.” I raised my voice in panic, almost-sounding like I panted. I sighed. And it was silence after silence to recollect my thoughts. In a low volume, I asked “You don’t think something bad happened to him, right?”
Lia clicked her tongue in frustration and groaned, “And you are worried about that?! Hell y/n, for all we know, this guy could have left you! He played you, y/n. Why are we being so naive?”
“He did not, Lia” I emphasized, “You don’t even know this guy”
“And you don’t too! You met him a few days and now you’re head over heels for him. I am not terrified of what’s happening to him, I am scared of you. What is all this about? Aside from the fear of you getting hurt, you are acting almost obsessive with a man you barely met. Get your senses back, this is not you”
“What do you know?” I mumbled and it was enough to make Lia stop rambling. There was more to it than just a question, and she knows.
Her boyfriend sighed and asked a question that somehow ignited a larger fire than before, contrary to his intentions. “We don’t even have cruises that last as short as one night. Hell, is there even one that runs faster than less than a day?”
It was silent again. I could hear Lia pause but it had a different vibe today. I knew, she thought, and he did too. But none of them were right, I met him. I know I did. “This is ridiculous” I scoff, “Are you saying I’m lying?”
“No, we could never! We trust you.. but with everything going on in your life, you know.. You might have not took it well” Lia’s boyfriend carefully chose his words.
However, I insisted. “Or implying I’m hallucinating” And again, it was silent. I shook my head and continued “I don’t know what to say. This is crazy, I can’t. This is just-“
“and this, all of what’s happening, is crazy!” Lia spoke before she was shushed out by her boyfriend again but I dropped the call.
Why do they always think ahead of me? Back when I independently chose my course, they’d hesitate. When I say I finally found something good for me, they’d doubt. When I feel hurt over comments of other people, they’d laugh. And now they think I’m insane. Well, they might be right; I feel insane because I don’t know what to believe anymore. This guy, one who truly understood me, is nowhere to be found and he could be playing me like what Lia mentioned. I am scared, not because of what could have happened to him but what would happen to me. I am selfish. I feel alone. I’m standing alone. It’s scary.
I ran back to his place and rang the bell. I could feel sweat trickling down my hands and I feel cold. He would be here, wouldn’t he? Almost a minute later, the door opened. And it was to my delight until I saw an unfamiliar face. The girl looked a few years older than him that it made me sigh. I never knew he was into women older than him. Guess I didn’t know him after all.
She smiled sheepishly along with her pretty features. “Hi, I’m Sana. Sorry I don’t know how these introduction things work. But I just moved here, I doubt a neighbor would immediately want to say hello. Would you?” She extended her arm. I misunderstood her and never was I happy in my life that I was wrong.
“Oh no, I’m finding a guy in this area. He was in this place.”
“Ah! I do remember this was used by a man.” Her voice echoed throughout the hall as she seemed to grab something by the end of the table “The landlady insisted this might belong to its owner. I don’t really mind, but seeing you’re finding him, you might be a good choice.”
The door closed and I held the old phone she handed over. There was still dust on the edges of the screen that I assumed it was used a really long time ago. I unlocked the phone but it had no lock at all. Was this intentionally left behind for me? Curiosity wrapped me up as soon a recording was shown on the screen. I couldn’t wait to hear it so as soon as I rode the bus, I took out my earphones and tapped on the play button.
It was odd. He talked almost as if he was telling a children’s story because according to him, it went by like a fantasy. In a first person point of view, he started the tale with a man and a woman, in their teen years. The man was an aspiring dancer, filled with his passion for music. But there were obstacles — pressure, doubts, and insecurities. That’s how he ended up on the dock overlooking the shore and sunsets, the same place wherein he was saved from his thoughts of disappearing into thin air by a woman. He was an observant guy and knew from one glance that she was considered average. She wore outfits that looked like they were taken hurriedly for the sake of sale day and a stylish bag, so out of the whole aesthetic that it seemed like it was only given to her as a gift. But it was different at this moment. After one long pause and a closer stare, she looked the prettiest in his eyes. One thing that ironically brightened his day was indulging in her downward eyes which emitted great concern. He could only, after everything, smile. The girl visited him continuously but only at sunsets due to both of their busy schedules. It so happened that she stood in the dock also because she needed a breather, unknowingly saving a life as well. The girl approached him and days turned into a whole week of them getting to have fun together. They were each other’s rest and they lived every minute of being together. They knew nothing of their relationship, whether it was intimate or platonic, but they enjoyed the days. However, the days were numbered. The girl saw him no more.
“Maybe I needed you too. I just needed seven more hours to speak with you.” The words from the audio strayed further away from the storyline, leaving me confused. “The day you weren’t able to come back because you were busy, I stood still like the waves coming back to the shore. It’s this ache I feel after I had realized that I can’t escape; I will always go back to the same place. You touched my life, and I am not selfish enough to tell you that you haven’t changed it quite yet because you had done more than I could ever do. You kept trying and trying. I was losing hope, I’m sorry. By the time you have received this message, I’m probably not with you today, though I at least hope it wouldn’t take years for this to reach you.” I could hear his bittersweet chuckle at the end, “I just wanted to express how grateful I am to spend my remaining time with you. I wish to live at least just seven days with you to make up for my absence, is it a difficult request?”
No, this is not just a fictional story anymore. My thoughts were interrupted by the ring of my phone and I subconsciously answered it and placed it on my ear as if by instinct, completely spacing out. “Hey.” Hwang Hyunjin. That voice, the same one that showed me both this heart-wrenching delusions and reality. I could feel him through the phone. I could imagine his eyes, and for the first time in 5 days of meeting him, I could vividly remember his nose, lips, and the little mole under his left eye. “I didn't expect the recording to reach you several years after."
"Find me in the usual spot, yeah?”
I looked up and realized it was closer to dark that the driver had even slept on my destination. I must have been spacing out for several hours by now. I remembered it, plain as day. And if I’m not mistaken, we only have seven hours left before he leaves me. I couldn’t waste more time trying to count the hours left so I immediately went down and crossed the dock. I spotted his figure from afar; tall, blonde guy. He turned back and our eyes met. Now I could recognize him better as I ran closer to him.
How could I had ever forgotten about him? He was my first love, the reason why I feel so alone after all these years, why I felt so empty in Yuna’s wedding, why I could feel such strong connection between us. This must be why he was in a tux the moment I met him, as it was the last image of him I've remembered in his coffin. All this time, Hwang Hyunjin, the story was about us.
“Are you real?” I sniffed and until then, tears started streaming down my face. I can’t breathe. I feel choked by my own tears and I can sense my heart breaking. My body started feeling so sore because of this immense pain in my heart and I wonder if he’s being so oblivious about it as this, everything, is just so mean. Can he hear my heart crashing?
He only responded with a smile, “I am if you want me to. Anything’s possible, isn’t it?” He reached for my hand and started caressing it gently. God, I could still feel him. So near, yet so far. It’s like he’s here, but isn’t. “Just like how you changed my mind that time.”
I threw my hand away from his hold and took a step back. “So this is why you've never met my friends today, why I was the only one who could see you, why I don't understand you fully, why those people in the café looked at me like I was crazy. Were you real after your death? How could you simply disappear, Hyunjin? Not only a moment ago but also in the past! That was so one-sided. You were breaking my heart. Was that your plan all along? During that sunset, did you mean to grab my attention with those eyes of yours, share your thoughts that changed my whole life, and leave me just to suffer all alone? We weren’t even in pain together, Hyun! I felt great with you and you told me you did find a friend in me. We felt so isolated, but wasn’t that…before us?” My eyes moved downward as I continued without letting him speak, “Or was that just me?” Chuckling in bitter as I spoke with poison, “Right, right. It could’ve just been me! You were suffering so bad and I didn’t even notice it. I may had fun, but it wasn’t enough to make you change your decision that one time I wasn’t around.” I stepped back as he tried to reach for me but I wouldn’t allow him to. He couldn’t even speak as I was madly lost in track with the ideas that filled in my head. “I was wrong. I was not enough. I should’ve been there-"
“Y/n!” He brought me back to reality with just one yell of my name. And I wondered, can he bring his self back too? “I hate that you think bad about yourself. That you had regrets during that moment as you kept blaming your decisions” He mumbled but loud enough for me to hear, “Maybe that’s the reason why I was given another opportunity to meet you. You changed me, y/n. I need you to understand that and respect my feelings.”
“Respect your feelings? Did you ever respect me as a person?” I stared at him, full of contempt and bitterness. He didn’t waste another second to respond but I had cut him off.
“What kind of question is that, y/n? Of course, I do-“ I desperately wanted to move away from him that I took several steps back as he did forward.
“And you didn’t consider how I’d react?”
“I did, I had thought of it-“
“And you still went with it! I thought our friendship was strong enough that you’d understand how gravely I’d suffer if you were gone in just one moment. Hell, you left me for a lifetime!”
“Can you please listen to me for one second before you might get yourself killed?! We walked back to the road and a car could be here any time we’d least expect!” He raised his voice higher to grab my attention that I had lost strength to fight back. Nothing made sense anymore. How could he put me in place as easy as he’d throw me away? “I can’t afford to lose you, y/n” His eyes softened and I could observe them; they were full of regrets. My heart ached once more and it wasn't because of him. I could sense my hopes getting up again.
[THE DOCK]
We were sitting, staring at the dimness in front of us. Silence. That was all I could hear almost an hour after we went back. It was enough to calm myself down, to be ready, before he’d start talking again.
And he did. “You knew my struggles before as a trainee. Rather than solely dancing, I realize I’d be known greater as an idol. I was already suffering from their constant criticisms, endless practices, and trying to prove myself out there. Because it’s so different here in Korea. You can’t simply be skilled and succeed in the music industry. They take no mercy that it’s somehow not just music anymore. You have to appear perfect, have that appeal, be good-looking, and even know almost everything to please people and bring them to be your fans. Not only that, I had family issues too. It was messed up and I needed a different place. I didn’t know I actually needed a person, you, my safe place. It was as if all those worries disappeared and I found my reason to keep going on in that journey. In everyone’s eyes, I was a disappointment and a doubt but you never made me feel that way. You are important to me, y/n. And I’d climb a hundred mountains, reach for a thousand stars, and search for you within millions of people in this world, all for you. I’d make everything possible for you.”
“Yet you couldn’t wait a day just for me?” Tears started falling once again but it was a first to see tears brimming from his eyes. I hesitated to add the question I’ve thought of all this time as I imagined his expression, his realization that I’m coming back to reality. “Hyunjin… why did you die? Why did you leave me, alone?”
After a sigh, he replied. “It was not simply one day for me. It was the only moment. I had realized in a short span of time that I can’t live without you. After those moments, I went back to my dorm and repeated the same routine. But I used to be happy because I thought of you every second of my life. I felt motivated in seeing someone who could finally understand me. However, every time they drag me down, give me a notice I may be up for elimination, criticize me, and say I’m not fit for dancing when it had been my reason for living, there was still this hole nobody can fill. And I may had gone through that pain, I may stand it when I’m with you but I was so lost. I wanted to restart my life because I was scared at the thought that I may not be happy with wanting to be an idol when I’ve wasted all my years for this. What am I going to do without it? Without you?”
“Was I not enough? Did I not make a greater effort of changing your perspective?”
“I arrived at the point that I had still thought of spending my days with my bestfriend when I finally become an idol. You’ve changed much more than just perspective, you changed me. But we both can’t change what cannot be changed. It’s life and I’ve given up on it. There’s nothing more you can do.”
He took ahold of my hand and we both stood as the sunrise is nearing. “But looking at you once more, now that I have this freedom, you really got a knack for changing lives. I used to be lost but I have a vision now. You brought me back. I realized that I still needed more time to be with you, I will always do. I do not want things to end, y/n. Thank you for the seven days, seven hours, and seven more minutes with you but I’d be too selfish as to always ask for one more second until I finish spending an eternity with you. Seven is not right for us, Eight may be our fate. But life encompasses everyone and I struggle to keep this goal running” He squeezed my hand, hard enough to make me realize he was trying to keep himself composed. Time is such an awful thing to be paired with life, I thought.
“I thought you said you’d make everything possible for me? For us?”
He could only, after everything, smile. He reached for the strands of hair falling like the continuous tears running through my cheeks. He tucked them under my ear as he whispered “And I would.”
I pushed him back a little as we were on the same wavelength, on the same page. “You’re not leaving me again, Hyunjin. You’re not. Not when I’ve spent my whole life thinking about you! Crushing myself over you and dreading this moment just to finally see you pushing me away again! I was there. Everyone moved on but I stayed in the same beach until dust collected in my pinned-up hair and you weren’t still there. On that- this same beach you had forgotten me because I wasn’t present the day you needed me.”
“I could never forget about you, I had never done that at all. I always needed one second to be close to you but that’s the problem, y/n. I used to be hurting every time I was with you, knowing I was meant to leave you in the end. I had no direction in life and I did not want to drag you further with me. You deserve to be in this world.”
Choked sobs are all that he could hear from me. No, I did not like to take another silence anymore. Why does it appear as if we’ve got nothing left to do, that all his decision must be him leaving me? I desperately grasped unto my shirt and crouched with all means to let out the pain my heart is feeling. The scream my heart is letting out that he can now hear.
“It hurts much more, Hyun. I was not living but I wasn’t dying too. Have you encountered it? Before leaving this sick world, did you carry all those regrets? Did you have troubles leaving this beach knowing you’re gone? Did you stop watching the television and your favorite series, basically your current only reason for living, just because I saw your face on the news? Did you lose your appetite? Did you have sleepless nights full of cries and when you were finally able to take a nap, you’d wake up with a wet pillow? Did you stop leaving the house and wasn’t strong enough to face your other friends? Did you feel very helpless to the point I wasn’t brave enough to meet your grave? Up to this time, I walk with nothing but pain in my heart. It hurts, Hyun. It hurts to think that the only thing that reminds me I’m still living is this sting in my heart and I hate that! I hate that I’m still living a life, the one thing that brought both of us down. I’m walking, driving, eating, strolling, and desperately trying to fix everything broken through time. One thing that brought both of us down, I’m still alive because of this sickening time!”
“But I have no regrets, y/n.” He mumbled in a low volume and it finally struck me. There’s nothing more I can do, do I? Is this why he’s here? To make me understand that it wasn’t my fault? He’s so pure and good that it’s mean to me.
“How could you do this to me?”
He shushed me, brought my hands together, and embraced me as we both cried. “And I’m sorry. I apologize for everything I’ve made you feel but you won’t feel a single thing like that anymore. By the time we’d keep on living in different worlds, you have to let go of me.”
“I’m scared, Hyunjin.” His hands touched my back as he held me closer and simply replied with a ‘don’t be’. “I could sense I’m slowly losing you. I’m slowly starting to forget how you touched me, how you made me feel, and your voice.”
He replied no more and encouraged me to let all my feelings out… to forget later. I tried to move a little but he didn’t let me go. It was obvious he didn’t want me to have a last look at his eyes. It’s getting dangerous, Hyun. I’m starting to forget your gaze, those eyes that would then not be considered as ‘those’ but simply eyes I would not be able to recognize anymore. You’re starting to be like everyone, like strangers.
“Can I have one more word with you?” I could feel his soft hands stop and it was if I read his mind. He didn’t want any more promises, I know. “Did you really climb a hundred mountains, and reach for a thousand stars before you’ve searched for me?”
He paused for a moment and we both could hear ourselves chuckle. “You really are still the same, y/n. Hmm..” He stopped as if thinking, before continuing again, “I may had- have not. Okay, I did not.” I could sense his smile but couldn’t feel it anymore.
I tugged his shirt as we still embraced and gave a playful laugh through my tears. “You’re such a drama!”
“But in the afterworld, I would. I’d do those for you before I’m forgetting you as well. We’d keep living in both worlds.” I sighed, but it was more of an emotional release. I wonder if he also started to forget how I feel.
“I hope the afterworld do you good, it’s what you deserve.”
“And I’d pray to those angels to give you a life, not just worth living but full of happiness.”
“That seems impossible” I playfully rolled my eyes and lightly hit him in the back.
“I’d make everything possible for you.” And I knew he’d let it happen. I was starting to calm down as I could see the sun rising. A new beginning. A restart.
“Can I say one last thing before we’d leave each other?” My voice almost cracked due to the sudden wash of emotions to which he replied with a sorrowed chuckle. I could feel myself crying again and my hands were shaking. My heart was clenching so bad and I didn’t know whether it was because of the fear of having a new life without him or because I’m losing him completely. “I liked you, Hyunjin. I really liked you.” It was more than just ache, I was wailing to let out the pain and everything else that kept my heart in a cage. I could sense his touch gradually getting away from me. I could sense him disappearing into thin air as my tears were heavy as falling down into the wooden platform in the dock. I desperately held on to myself instead of him, and crouched down as I felt myself losing all the strength. After everything, I still didn’t know whether he had heard my confession. But it was more than enough to get myself to admit it and let it all out.
He was gone in seven seconds, but I’d need one more second to place him back in my heart again. I’d start anew not holding on to our memories but the lesson that I can find love like this. To be happy, just as he wished. He left me the second time but he was also right again, not in the sense of being together but living in separate ways. Seven was not right for us, Eight may be our fate.
We're dancing 'round the kitchen in the refrigerator light
(All Too Well — Taylor Swift)
I'm wonderstruck, dancing around all alone
(Enchanted — Taylor Swift)
#tags#stray kids#stray kids reactions#stray kids scenarios#bang chan#seo changbin#hwang hyunjin#lee felix#kim seungmin#yang jeongin#stray kids imagines#stray kids angst#angst#heavy angst#stray kids x reader#han jisung#lee know#skz hyunjin#straykids x reader#kpop angst#stray kids masterlist#stray kids fake texts#stray kids fanfic#fanfiction#stray kids ff
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Electric | Russell Adler x Reader |
Summary: After a night of post mission winding down, you find Russell on the roof.
Warnings: smoking, kissing
Word Count: 1075
A/N: Requests are open :)
It wasn’t often that you and the team were able to have a relaxing night in at the end of a mission. Things were usually chaotic and rushed to be able to get back to Langley as soon as humanly possible. But this time around Frank decided everyone could use a couple drinks and just be ‘normal’ people for once.
You had been apart the team for a good amount of time now but while you were still the ‘Kid’ of the bunch as Frank liked to call you, the bond was tight between the team whenever the universe decided to bring you together for a mission. So here you were, sitting back on a loveseat laughing at the Sgt’s storytelling.
Mason, who was normally reserved, seemed to be enjoying himself immensely, half sitting on the armrest of the couch, hearing Franks words.
“So you’re saying you’re not a lightweight?” You tease, entertaining him farther.
Frank chuckles and takes a swig of his drink. "Oh no sweetheart, not me. But Mason here thought he could take on the whole bar one time after 3 pints” he says, grinning mischievously.
Mason shakes his head, but you can tell he's enjoying it. "I wasn't trying to start a fight," he says defensively.
"But you did end up getting us kicked out," Frank adds, laughing.
Mason shakes his head. "I don't even remember what happened. That was a long time ago."
Frank continues the story, recounting how they stumbled out of the bar and into the street, still arguing about who would have won in a fight. You can't help but laugh at the mental image of the two of them, drunk and bickering like an old married couple.
“Hey I think that place isn’t too far from here.” Frank says, raising an eyebrow.
“They definitely remember you, Woods.” You can almost hear the gears turning in the Sgt’s head. “Don’t get any ideas.” But of course with his charm, one thing leads to another and he’s actually able to convince stone cold Mason to get up.
“You comin, Kid?” Wood stops to ask, grabbing his keys from the table.
“Oh no, you two have fun. I’m calling it a night boys.” You answer, raising to stretch your arms. The pair of them go into the night leaving you with your thoughts.
Sleep is unheard of in your mind lately, never showing up most nights. You’re far too used to it at this point to do anything about it.
You decide to go up to the roof of the safe house to get some fresh air and clear your head. Putting down your drink, you slip on your shoes and head towards the back stairs. When you make it outside, you feel the cool night air hit your face, and you take a deep breath, feeling your lungs expand with cold air
You suddenly stop in your tracks, when you see Adler across the roof leaning against the railing. Smoke moves from his cigarette with the wind and You hesitate for a moment, wondering if you should go back inside or approach him.
But before you can make a decision he seems to sense a presence. “Sorry, I took your spot.” He says without turning around, somehow already knowing that’s it’s you at the stairs.
You shake your head, a small smile forming on your lips. "It's fine, I can share," you say, making your way over to him.
You lean against the railing next to him, looking out over the city. For a few moments, there's silence between you, the only sounds being the occasional car driving by and Adler taking a drag from his cigarette.
You look over to the rare sight of Russell without his aviators. Even in the dark his features stand out more than ever. The scar running down from his forehead to his chin is prominent even in the dead of night. “How’d you know this was my spot?” You ask, not looking away.
His hand rests on his opposite arm, and without lifting it he points down to an area by the trees. “Because that’s mine” He glances at you, and for a moment, you catch a glimpse of something in his eyes - something vulnerable. But just as quickly as it appeared, it's gone, and he's back to his usual stoic self.
When you were first recruited, you were assigned to be Adler’s shadow. Since you hadn’t had much black ops experience, he was your mentor. You learned a lot from him, both about the job and about how to keep a cool head.
But there was always something about him that was hard to read. You never pushed too hard or at all for that matter, not wanting to cross a line. But standing here next to him, closer than you have been before there is a certain tension floating around the atmosphere.
He’s no longer leaning against the railing. As the tension between you and Adler grows, you suddenly stand straighter and turn to face him.
There's a moment of hesitation as you look into his eyes, unsure of what to do next. But then, without thinking, you reach out and softly take the cigarette from between his lips, taking a drag from it yourself.
He watches you intently, his eyes never leaving yours, as you exhale the smoke into the night air. You don’t realize you’ve moved closer to him until can feel the heat of his body next to yours .
You don't know what's come over you, but something about the moment feels electric.
Adler's hand moves up to your cheek, his touch warm against your skin. You lean into it, and there's a sense of calm that washes over you. For the first time in a long time, you feel like you can let your guard down.
Without a word, he leans in and presses his lips to yours, his kiss gentle yet earning. You respond after a few seconds, taking in the feeling of it all.
His hands move to the small of your back to pull you closer to him and you wrap your arms around his neck, his cigarette still between your fingers, now forgotten.
When you finally break the kiss, you look up at Adler, his eyes now dark but nonetheless visible under the moonlight.
You don't know what later holds for Russell and you, but in this moment, you don’t want to stop.
#black ops cold war#call of duty#russell adler#russell adler x you#russell adler x fem!reader#russell adler x reader#cold war#black ops#frank woods#alex mason
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Missing You, Ben Hardy
Since Ben left for filming a couple months ago, I’ve been okay. Of course, I’ve been missing him ever since he left. The text messages and phone calls have made up for the lack of conversations we used to have, and the constant pictures he sends me help me still feel connected to him. But lately, I’ve been missing him the hardest, and I couldn’t tell you why either.
During the day, I’m fine. I go about my daily rituals as usual, but at night, when I get ready to go to bed, it’s like I’m hit with a mix of sadness and longing for Ben to be back by my side. Some nights, I can’t fall asleep until it’s past three or four in the morning. I can’t explain why - it’s just something that happens now.
For some reason, tonight is the worst it’s ever been for me. I’ve tried everything I can to fall asleep. I’ve taken melatonin, turned off every bright light, made sure that there were no noises coming from anything, turned my phone off, everything. I even tried to meditate for a while, but I eventually gave up when I realized it wasn’t working for me either. I've also had “relaxing” music playing since I first started getting ready to go to bed, but that obviously didn’t work either.
Every time I close my eyes, images of Ben flash in my mind. I remember specific times like when we go out together and just enjoy each other's time. I’m also reminded of the times when we go out with friends and how Ben always holds me to him in front of everyone with his arm tight around my waist and my back pressed against his chest. It makes me feel like he’s so thankful to have me there with him when he does this. More importantly, I remember the times when he said things exactly like that to me. Hearing the love of your life say, “I’m so happy to have you in my life,” is something that you’ll cherish and remember for a very, very long time - if not forever.
The only problem with that is with moments like these when you can’t be with them. In that case, you’re left to simply think about that special person rather than see or hear them. You can’t hold them or love on them. You can’t even laugh with them and see their face crinkle up because of that laughter. So, you’re left to miss them immensely, and it sucks.
It really sucks.
Looking over at my alarm clock, the bright red lights tell me it’s almost 4:30, and I’m left to groan in response. Last night, I didn’t pass out until 3, and I had to wake up for work today with only 4 hours of sleep in my system. I don’t want to have another night like that. Granted, I may not have to work tomorrow, but still. I don’t want to fall asleep at the same time people are getting up to start the day if I can help it.
Frankie beside me stirs in her sleep before getting up and heading out into the living room. At that, I kind of laugh. She must’ve gotten tired of me constantly tossing and turning. I’m tired of it too, but it’s not like I can do anything about it.
With a sigh, I turn on my side toward the wall and try to close my eyes once more. At first, I’m joyful that finally, nothing pops up. No images of Ben or anyone else. Just the darkness of what I’m hoping is looming sleep.
For a few moments, this lasts until I start thinking about how nice Ben’s touch felt against my skin. The way his slightly rough hands had such a gentle grasp when he touched me is something that can wake me up instantly, but I’m trying to not let the memory of it do that. However, reminiscing on his touch seems to be too much for me as I actually feel his touch on me now despite him being six hours away. The mind can certainly be one powerful thing.
“Are you awake?”
As soon as I hear Ben’s voice, my eyes shoot open and I quickly turn over to see him standing by the side of the bed, a smile on his face. Granted, the only light in the room is the dim red hue coming from my alarm clock, so I’m assuming the lines on his cheek mean he’s smiling.
“Oh my God!” I exclaim, nearly jumping out of bed to throw myself at Ben. Thankfully, he’s quick to catch me in his arms, but that doesn’t stop us from tumbling down onto the floor with a soft thud, resulting in laughter coming from Ben. Conversely, I immediately pull back to look at Ben despite the room still being pitch dark.
“Are you okay?” I ask him, my hands searching his face and head for any injury, again, in complete darkness. His answer comes to me in even more laughter, his hands quickly finding mine to press soft and gentle kisses to the skin.
“Darling, I’m fine, but I do have to say that was one of the best welcome home greetings I have ever gotten,” Ben assures me before leaning forward to press another kiss to my lips, but his lips meet the side of my nose instead. We both know that one of us should really turn the light on so we can see each other, but going by the fact that I’m on top of Ben, it’ll have to be when I decide to let go of him.
Smiling, I nuzzle my face into his neck. “I’m just happy you’re home,” I tell him, sitting back on his lap so I can turn on the bedside lamp. Ben’s hands instantly make their way to my hips when I do this, his fingers lightly massaging the skin of my exposed waist as soon as they make contact. Once the room has some light flooding through it, I look down at Ben and smile upon seeing his face after so long of having to settle for just pictures or FaceTime. He smiles back at me, a happy sigh falling from his lips afterward.
“You have no idea how much I missed you, darling,” Ben murmurs, a blissful gaze falling over his face. Sliding his arms up from my hips, he rests them against my back all while simply holding me to him as we lie on the hardwood floor of our bedroom. “Could hardly sleep without you, it was horrible.”
At his words, the corner of my lip upturns knowing he missed me too, but at the same time, he probably suffered the same sleep deprivation as me. “I had a hard time sleeping while you were gone too,” I tell him, feeling my body begin to relax on top of him. “I haven’t gotten much sleep either, especially tonight,” with a smile, I press a kiss to Ben’s jaw as I lean my head up a bit. “It's a good thing since you got home early, babe.”
Ben smiles with me in response to my words before swiftly sitting up with me still clinging to his body, my legs now on either side of him as his face rests mere centimeters from mine. The action surprises me for a short second until I let out a small giggle, my brain reminding me of my boyfriend’s superhero muscles that allow him to do those things with me, things that make me absolutely crazy.
“Let’s get back into bed, yeah?” He suggests, standing up with one hand pushing him off the ground and the other keeping my body against his. Once again, I cling tightly to him, my rigid stature only relaxing when my back makes contact with our bed. However, Ben doesn’t move, and instead, he remains on top of me. After a few moments, I speak up.
“Are you comfortable?” My question makes Ben quietly laugh as he knows putting his entire weight on me is not always comfortable, but I won’t complain either.
"I always want to be on top of you, love," He tells me with another sly chuckle before shuffling down in the bed. Now lying mostly on my torso and in between my legs, Ben peers up at me from where he lays his head on my stomach. “How about now? Are you comfortable?”
“Very,” I tell him, moving a hand to comb through his blonde locks. Once my hand touches his head, Ben nuzzles his face against my hand like earlier. In only a matter of seconds, Ben's eyes fall shut as he a soft sigh leaves his nose.
“I missed you… so much,” he admits, “I’d really like it if you came with me next time, even if it’s just for a week,” Ben’s eyes open after his last statement, looking intently at me as I process his suggestion. It would be great to spend that time with him, but I never asked before as I didn't want to distract him while he works.
"As much as I loved your greeting from earlier," Ben speaks up once more, breaking me away from my thoughts and over I’d love it even more if you greeted me like that after filming.”
#ben hardy#ben hardy imagine#ben hardy imagines#ben hardy x reader#ben hardy fanfic#ben hardy x fem reader#ben jones#roger taylor x fem!reader#roger taylor imagines#roger taylor imagine#roger taylor fanfiction#roger taylor#roger taylor x reader
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TAYLOR SWIFT'S AND MATTY HEALY'S SYNASTRY CHART AND WHY THINGS TURNED OUT… THE WAY THEY DID
Just a few weeks ago I was hyped for their alleged relationship, despite having worries about the Mercury retrograde and how it'll affect it… and now the internet's telling me they've broken up? (not surprised). Let's look at their synastry either way.
Let's examine Taylor's chart first, because no synastry should be looked at without prior analyze of the people's natal charts.
(I'm looking at the Scorpio rising chart as opposed to the old one that had Capricorn rising, as I feel like it's much more accurate - and the source seemed more eligible).
So the first thing that jumps forward is her Scorpio rising with a domicile Mars right on the ascendant. This shows someone who's direct but also jumps into situations quickly. Despite it being a rather cautious Scorpio (and she sure is, in regard to her career), she seems so dive head first into situations concerning personal life. This is highlighted by her being a Sagittarius Sun (yay for impulsive actions!) and, basically, a walking opposition - as you can tell from looking at her chart - that has a push and pull effect. Her Venus (which also rules her 7th house), is in Aquarius, generally unaspected, which can point to her not having any anchor point for her relationships nor her overall affections - any tangible attachments then may disappear into the aether, turning into ties that seem to be lacking in something, especially it being in airy Aquarius that can swing between being curious and fixed in feelings to being somewhere in the clouds, dreaming of a perfect romance that actually doesn't exist and the bubble suddenly bursts. Now, I said Venus is generally unaspected (by any ptolemaic aspect, that is) but I can't help but notice the exact quincunx to her Cancer Moon - weird romantic choices is what this screams (remember when she started dating Tom Hiddleston and people thought it was bizzare? Exactly). Pair it Moon opposite Uranus and Mercury and this can bring sudden changes in feelings that come from nowhere; not knowing what one wants or an overall feeling of emotional discomfort that stays unresolved for a long time (it's like you feel resentment but you don't really know why).
Now let's look at Matty. His chart looks more "sharp-tongued sweetheart" to me than anything. We have a lovely Taurus rising with exalted Moon in the 1st as well as an exalted Aries Sun, smashed together with Mercury and Venus. Charming and a creative combo, although not only it is placed in the 12th house of doom and gloom but both of his benefics (Venus and Jupiter) are in their exiles, which can show struggles finding true happiness and inner fullfillment. His 7th house ruler, Mars, is in Gemini, rescued by an applying sextile with Sun and co-present with Jupiter, but generally speaking, it being placed in the 2nd house + having Venus in the 12th, it may bring issues with tangibility of his relationships (or the availability of them, if that makes sense). Lovely but a tormented soul, I'd say (like didn't Halsey write Colors about him? Makes sense).
Now with that in mind, let's look at their synastry, which btw, I LOVE.
Two main things that popped into my head when I first heard they're together were: a Sagittarius Sun with an Aries Sun and opposite rising signs. Perfect, the chemistry and the sense of a romantic adventure should be off the charts. Not that I'm biased but a Sagittarius and Aries are like a match made in heaven. Their Suns are actually making a 3° aspect but her Sun is also trining the rest of his Aries planets, which is lovely. Sun trine Venus is a very sweet and supportive energy - from now on your mental image of the aspect should be Matty (Venus) watching Taylor (Sun) on stage, admiring her and singing along to her songs. Her own Venus, on the other hand, not only compatible with his fire and air placements, but having a direct support from a trine to his Jupiter (!). Again, think of Jupiter as the cheerleader - uplifting Venus, bringing out the fluffy feelings. On top of that, they both have beautifully placed Moons, not only compatible with a sign-based sextile but one is exalted and the other is in its domicile. Now that's what I call a healthy mutual emotional fullfillment.
We also have that combo of Moon/ascendant opposite Mars/ascendant, which normally would bring out the passionate feelings and the "can't take my eyes and hands off of you" type of vibe.
BUT. POTENTIALLY that can also bring trouble.
Matty has a day chart, which means his out-of-sect malefic, the planet that will bring him more trouble, is Mars. She's putting her Mars on his angle and on top of that, it's the 7th house, which is the house of other people and open enemies. She triggered the hate coming from the outside towards him.
We also have Taylor's Jupiter making an opposition to his Saturn (which, she has that aspect natally so it highlights its effect) - this can bring roadblocks to happiness or even blame and judgment that comes from the public's scrutinity (which apparently did happen).
Sun opposite Mars can also bring out some longevity troubles. It's two strong planets butting heads, each trying to have its final say and each trying to be independent as both are kind of "look at me" type of scenario. Now, it doesn't have to mean there were some disputes but both could eventually pull in their own directions and break the tie out of exhaustion. It's because both Sun and Mars are very vibrant and energetic and with an opposition, the energy might've drop very fast. Magnetism is surely there with an aspect like this, but there's a high possibility that the romance battery can die quickly.
Unfortunately - and I was hoping this wouldn't affect them but it did - they allegedly started dating when Mercury was retrograde, co-present with Uranus and during an eclipse season - all in Taylor's 7th house and Matty's 1st house. So, it affected the area of her relationships and him overall, on a personal level. The 1st-7th axis work similarly in that manner as a new relationship often directly affects the person. Now, it doesn't have to be Venus retrograde to have a failed attempt at a relationship - you can as well have any other planet (mainly personal) retrograde in your 7th house and you get the same effect. So, as Mercury went direct, the lovey-dovey haze has evaporated, someone sobered up and the pair went their separate ways (or at least that's what they're making us believe).
#astrology#mercurytrinemoon#celebrity chart#synastry#synastry chart#taylor swift#matty healy#the 1975#astrology notes#astro notes
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Lotr Jan 13th
'What did I tell you, Mr. Pippin?' said Sam, sheathing his sword. 'Wolves won't get him. That was an eye-opener, and no mistake! Nearly singed the hair off my head!'
The line that's in so many adaptations! Oh Sam how I love you :D what's fun is that the line is kept across mediums but not always used in the same place...
That day the weather changed again, almost as if it was at the command of some power that had no longer any use for snow...
LITERALLY the weather gods reading lotr at the same time as me apparently, maybe a day or so behind but you can't make this up, we had a snowstorm for one day and then the wind died down and it's supposed to be blue skies tomorrow :D unbelievable
'But you can't leave poor old Bill behind in this forsaken place, Mr. Gandalf!' cried Sam, angry and distressed. 'I won't have it, and that's flat. After he has come so far and all!' (...) 'He'd follow Mr. Frodo into a dragon's den, if I led him,' (...) [Gandalf] laid his hand on the pony's head, and spoke in a low voice (...)
Sam stood sullenly by the pony and returned no answer. Bill, seeming to understand well what was going on, nuzzled up to him, putting his nose to Sam's ear. Sam burst into tears, and fumbled with the straps, unlading all the pony's packs and throwing them on the ground.
I am on the floor I am distressed I am bereft, SAM 😭 BILL 😭
...slowly on the surface, where the wizard's hands had passed, faint lines appeared, like slender veins of silver running in the stone. At first they were no more than pale gossamer-threads, so fine that they only twinkled fitfully where the Moon caught them, but steadily they grew broader and clearer...
THIS IS BEAUTIFUL
'There are the emblems of Durin!' cried Gimli.
'And there is the Tree of the High Elves!' said Legolas.
....Gandalf talking abt the old friendship and here's the proof literally set in stone for our elf and dwarf to see. They might be older than most of the fellowship and extremely capable, even seem mysterious and learned, but they're just so young in this vast and tired world.
Lotr is so much about fledglings picking their way over ruins, telling each other tales and listening for whispers of times long ago. Their lives are far from empty of course, a people will go on and build rich life wherever it can...but still there's this sense of tremendous loss :<
Some dwarf-gates will open only at special times, or for particular persons; and some have locks and keys that are still needed when all necessary times and words are known.
Dwarven craftsmanship <3 How fiddly and wonderful. It seems capricious to the fellowship maybe, but the suggestion of a culture that has such particular and varied mechanisms built into the foundations of their lives, in something so simple as a door...you just know there's such depth there! Beating on the walls that we never really get to go to Gimli's home by the way!!
...said the dwarf. 'But what the word was is not remembered. Narvi and his craft and all his kindred have vanished from the earth.'
:(((
'The answer to your first question, Boromir,' said the wizard, 'is that I do not know the word – yet.'
>:] Autism...
The star shone out briefly and faded again. Then silently a great doorway was outlined, though not a crack or joint had been visible before.
Dwarf magic <3
the horror that seemed to have rooted all but Sam to the ground where they stood,
THAT'S MY BOY RIGHT THERE
'...boulders have been piled up, and the trees uprooted and thrown across the gate. I am sorry; for the trees were beautiful, and had stood so long.'
D': nooooooo I hate this those poor trees
'Who will lead us now in this deadly dark?'
'I will,' said Gandalf
*Frames this*
Oh Olórin...
The last thing that Pippin saw, as sleep took him, was a dark glimpse of the old wizard huddled on the floor, shielding a glowing chip in his gnarled hands between his knees. The flicker for a moment showed his sharp nose, and the puff of smoke.
This image is rattling around my brain so vividly I really want Donato Giancola to draw it...
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...Also I don’t have a MASSIVE amount of proof for this, but I feel like at least two of the things people find most suspicious about Ralsei are... overhyped?
Or not quite ‘overhyped’, but they’re overanalyzed when it seems like the answer is quite straightforward, and the real mystery is slightly to the left.
The first thing is people wondering why Ralsei is capable of existing in other Dark Worlds and not turning to stone. I feel like that’s just a side-effect of being born from a Pure Dark Fountain, because... well, it allows the reverse to happen: all the Darkners we recruit are capable of living in his own Dark World just fine, without the mass panic of them all one-by-one becoming statues! I assume that ‘pure darkness’ is ‘neutral’ in a way, allowing Ralsei to perfectly adapt to other Dark Worlds, and Darkners from other Dark Worlds to perfectly adapt to his kingdom.
So the question shouldn’t be ‘why doesn’t Ralsei turn to stone,’ but rather, ‘what’s the difference between a Pure Dark Fountain and other Dark Fountains’? Why is his Fountain so special compared to others?
People also seem really confused by Ralsei walking from Castle Town to Cyber City, but... I don’t think he’s the singular Darkner with this ability? Queen and King obviously knew each other, long enough to start a relationship and get divorced. Jevil warns us about the Queen. Spamton has strong opinions on both Jevil from Card Kingdom, and Mike, Tenna, and ‘Cathode’s Gang’ from, presumably, Dark World 3.
So perhaps this power isn’t completely unique to Ralsei. The Darkners seem naturally capable of crossing between Dark Worlds entirely under their own power! And furthermore... they seem capable of staying long enough to form friendships, romances, and rivalries.
So how do they get from one Dark World to another? Easy-- they walk there! And how did Ralsei know that Cyber City had appeared? Another easy question-- while explaining the prophecy and Dark Fountains to us in Chapter 1, the montage ended with an image of his Dark Fountain-- only for the shot to pan left, showing a second Fountain clearly visible in the distance.
He probably just. Saw a new Dark Fountain shoot up into the sky. And then started walking in its general direction.
Maybe it’s less that the Dark Worlds are all individual self-isolated universes, and more... several lego sets all placed on the same table, being added and removed as you construct and deconstruct them. Or areas on a video game map being lit up as you progress. Moving from one to the other is a simple matter of distance, assuming that the Fountain is active to give shape to the land.
One Dark World, which is constantly adding and removing different regions as Lightners create Dark Worlds.
To me, though... this begs a few questions in my mind.
One... the Darkners from different Dark Worlds know each other. Was there a time when Dark Fountains were just... unnecessary? When the ‘worlds’ were all a singular ‘world’, and King and Queen could get divorced, and the Secret Bosses could get up to Antics?
In Undertale, the monsters were imprisoned by a physical barrier. Their culture continued to develop in the Underground, and generation after generation was born. I don’t know how to phrase or explain this thought, but was the nature of the Darkners’ imprisonment and abandonment... different? Rather than just being ‘sealed away’, was their world itself shattered? Were they imprisoned into multiple separate Dark Worlds, abandoned by the Lightners and isolated from each other? Are they even ‘awake’ when not near a Dark Fountain? If King, Queen, Jevil, and Spamton all remember other Dark Worlds, how long ago was that time, did any time seem to pass for the Darkners? Is part of why King hated the Lightners because now he lacks the ‘freedom’ of movement they all once had, not just that their ‘gods’ who gave them purpose left? Did Dark Fountains even exist before they got sealed away, if so many Dark Fountains causes the Rumbling?
Is Darkners becoming statues a ‘recent’ development?
Also... if there was once a single united ‘Dark World’, are we slowly recreating it by helping Castle Town grow?
And when a Dark Fountain vanishes... what does the land it once formed look like now?
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Hello dear ♥️
For the drabble ask I would love Stucky and Number 39 ♥️
Thank you ♥️
hi andrea!! this song is actually my shrunkyclunks anthem, so it's so wonderful that you requested this one. i think it's a bit tough to capture in a ficlet and i'm not quite happy with this one, but i hope you enjoy it nonethless! <3
Thought I wanted to forget my past
Tried to leave the pieces of a broken man
What it cost I ain't ever getting back
So I'm breaking the lines 'cause I wanna remember
Man I was feeling like I never was young
Followed a dream and a strange desire
You picked me up in the dead of the night
And gave me a chance to move on inside of your mystery
-
The 21st century is a lot.
It feels bright and loud, and full of images and references and products Steve doesn’t quite understand. Even if he gets the hang of how things work rather quickly -- he does actually know how to send a text, thank you Tony -- it all still feels so alien that Steve can’t quite get comfortable with it. It feels like everything in this century moves so fast -- the cars, the billboards, the technology, the people wearing headphones that zip past Steve on the sidewalk because everyone always seems to have a place to be.
Steve doesn’t, not really. Between SHIELD briefs and studying bursts to try and catch up on the history of the last 70 years, Steve has time.
He takes a lot of long walks. His feet take him up and down Manhattan and then over the bridge through the Brooklyn streets, searching for anything familiar. He doesn’t find much beyond the odd building or rare establishment. Even what’s still there feels different.
He recalls what the Red Skull had said to him, on that last fight on the airplane. ‘A man out of time’ he had called Steve, and the strange villain-speech nickname sticks to Steve now like some middle school bully taped it to his back.
Steve feels like an alien, overwhelmed with the world and overwhelmed mostly, he thinks, with loneliness.
He thinks he wants to just forget his past, as much as he can, leave the pieces of a broken man behind and start anew in the 21st century. Sure, he’s Captain America -- a science experiment gone right, an iconic war hero who saved New York not once but twice now -- but the cost of that is something he’s never getting back. Maybe he should try just being Steve
It’s all playing on Steve’s mind again as he walks through the streets now, observing that ‘the city that never sleeps’ has reigned true in this century, too. It’s just after 3 AM, and Steve is only out because he couldn’t sleep, but he finds company in the giggly girls in sparkly dresses that emerge from nightclubs and the deli employees sharing jokes over a cigarette at the street corner. Taxis are still honking at each other, and Manhattan is still alive with colorful lights and loud voices and the mingling smells of exhaust fumes and 24/7 Kebap stands.
As he approaches Grand Street, Steve looks up to watch two figures chase each other around the steps of the subway station, laughing and shouting in a language Steve can’t understand. One of them leaps down the stairs and the other follows until they’re no longer visible and their voices dissipate in an echo underground. They looked like students, Steve thinks mildly, like they were barely twenty, and Steve doesn't think he’s ever felt that young in his life.
He certainly doesn’t now.
The street before him is emptier than it was an hour ago, and Steve thinks he should probably head back to his apartment to at least try and get some rest. The sidewalk before him is vacant when he makes a left turn, and he watches the remnants of the evening rain glisten on the pavement.
Then, out of nowhere, he bumps heavily into another person.
Immediately, he starts to apologize, holding his arms out to steady the stranger.
“I’m so sorry,” he tells the discernable waves of dark brown hair. “Are you okay?”
When the stranger looks up, the hair falls aside to reveal steel blue eyes and the prettiest face Steve thinks he has ever seen in his entire life. He has sharp, rosy cheekbones and a wide jaw that’s half hidden by the bright red scarf he’s wearing. The color makes his lips look all the pinker, like strawberry stains on linen. The man before him looks like a dream.
Where did he come from?
“I am now,” the stranger says with a little quirk of his strawberry lips.
Steve huffs a surprised little laugh at the line and wishes to God he was anything other than a blubbering idiot around attractive people. “Good. I mean, I- I’m glad.”
The stranger seems to find Steve’s flusteredness amusing. He regards Steve with a little smile, and something about the look in his eyes that Steve is unable to look away. Or maybe, Steve thinks, it’s the eyes themselves that are so captivating, but something about the man before him robs Steve of any rational sense of explanation.
He’s a complete and utter mystery, and Steve wants to uncover it.
“Can I walk you home?” he hears himself ask before he was even aware he opened his mouth.
The stranger’s smile widens, and his eyes crinkle at the corners in a way that Steve wants to trace with his fingertips. “I don’t even know your name,” he remarks. “How do I know you’re not a serial killer?”
“That is a very valid point.”
Feeling incredibly dorky as he does it, Steve holds out his hand. “I’m Steve. Rogers. And I’m not a serial killer.”
The man acknowledges Steve’s name with a subtle widening of his eyes, and his eyebrows quirk for a moment, but his reaction is minimal. Steve is so grateful he kind of wants to kiss him -- although maybe he also wants to do that for other reasons.
“Well, then,” the stranger says, holding out his arm, “my name is Bucky Barnes, and we are going on a little walk to Williamsburg.”
Steve takes his arm and can’t help the grin he feels on his face. Bucky, he thinks. He wants to write the name up on his wall.
“Why Bucky?” he asks as they begin to make their way down the street.
Bucky smiles conspiratorially. “That, Steve Rogers, is a story you have to earn.”
Steve laughs, and the thought crosses his mind that he would work years to win it. Maybe, he can find a way to move on inside of the mystery that is Bucky Barnes.
#ehhh#i don't wike it#and oh my god i have to get up in less than 8hours fuck#i just really wanted to write today and then i had to work on uni til after 9 and then this took forever fuckk#anyway#i hope it was worth it even a little bit!#and i hope you like it <3#stucky#stucky ficlet#tortle writes#shrunkyclunks
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66 for Sprout wings, 72, and 74 💛💛
For the fanfiction writing asks meme
What’s a fun fact about Maybe sprout wings?
It almost didn't get written at all! I wrote the very first scene with an extremely clear image of where I wanted to go with the fic, but...almost no idea how to get there. That's why the first chapter is so tonally different from the rest of it (and maybe someday I'll go back and rewrite it, now that I feel a lot more confident in my writing abilities in general lol). Maybe sprout wings owes its existence to @fishfingersandscarves, who provided a lot of encouragement and support over it, and kept my interest focused on it, and them prodding me about it is what gave me the inspiration I needed to connect the loose ends I was having trouble with. :)
A more fact-based fact: I read the entire Odyssey I believe 3 full times in the course of writing that fic, not to mention how many individual scenes I read over and over, and how many summaries and prose adaptations of scenes I read in order to get a better sense of what was actually going on, lol.
What’s your favorite writing compliment you’ve gotten?
I think any of the compliments where people express any strong emotional response as some of my favorites. I've gotten a number that tell me a fic made them cry, and that's always a very powerful thing, to be able to prompt that level of emotion. There are two that really stand out to me though. One was a comment on Ab instrumento ad corpus, which was on the surface my excuse to try and write fisting, and which turned, in part, into a 27k exploration of feelings, queer history, and kink exploration. I got a comment from a reader who said they were turning 71 this year, and who said that it was only in the last 15 years or so that they had come to understand their own queerness, but that they had been there in the 70s and 80s and 90s and had had gay and lesbian and trans friends, and that seeing their history in my fic had made them tear up, and how important it was to remember. Queer history and especially queer elders are super important to me. It wasn't that long ago there was a time when we simply didn't HAVE queer elders. They were all dead. And now we do! I went to Pride in NYC, and I saw SO SO MANY queer elders! People who narrowly missed the horrors of Reagan's presidency, who snuck or fought their way through, who survived. It made me cry. This comment still makes me cry, rereading it now.
The second comment was one on Beautiful, Strange and New, where a reader described their husband's struggles with depression and how they thought a line from the fic had helped them to connect to him during a very difficult time, and to feel more hopeful, and just...so I've struggled with depression almost all my life, and this fic very much was my love-letter to my own recovery, and coming to terms with the fact that there's never any CURING depression. There's only taking tiny steps forward, even when you slide back three steps on the way, because the alternative is giving up and then the depression, that bastard, wins. And it was really important to me, in BSN, that there wasn't some grand thing that made Morpheus better, he wasn't "cured" because Hob and Daniel loved him. He ends the fic no longer wanting to kill himself, but ADMITS that there are still bad days. That things aren't perfect. That his body is not perfect, that he hurts sometimes, that there will be days he spends in bed and doesn't want to leave because sleeping seems easier. But. BUT. There are birds singing, and kids playing in the park, and maybe next year they'll find the cure for cancer, and we won't know unless we keep going as long as we can. And to see that something I'd written had had some impact on someone like me, had offered some sort of comfort, had given someone the words they needed to help someone like me, that was...that was really powerful. I had to sit with that one for a really long time.
Do you have a fic you wish got a bit more love?
I mean, I think Wings just because it's my baby but I understand that it's not everyone's cup of tea. XD I don't know! I think everything I've written has gotten a good amount of attention. Definitely more than I ever expect each time. I think Here there be dragons, which is part of the Siren!Dream universe, is one of the more interesting settings and concepts I've written, and that the tags might scare some people off, but it's not that difficult to understand, I promise! And then I think the long way down, which was my first try at writing angst that I actually PERCEIVED as angst, was a major milestone for me. But for the most part I think fics are going to get the love that they get based on what people want to read, and I have to come to terms with the fact that sometimes what I want to write isn't the same as what people are interested in (see: Wolf and I, my extremely niche Dream-as-sentient-wolf smut fic, which was written for me and only me lol).
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okay here we go (I added in images to characters you might not know)
Mild crushes:
Brassius (left) and Hassel (right)
Larry
Lord Milori (still kinda like him)
Sir Pentious and Lucifer
Used to take over my life:
Grillby
Gaster
Brett Hand
Lukas
Mordecai Heller
Kinger
Adam (most recent)
ALREADY HAS ME DEAD DJJSKX:
Clopin
I used to like him before back in January, but after listening to the soundtrack of this movie again, I frickin fell in LOVE
The obsession got so bad that I’m now researching Romani history and culture, watching those “the making of (movie name)” videos, interviews (which there are SO FEW OF) of the VAs or Alan Menken, the composer of the soundtrack
I want to know everything when I like a character lol
I actually have more, but it already feels weirdly personal to confess some of them so thank god that this is the silly corner :]
SCARED TO SEND IN BUT HERE WE GO
Mo need to fear this is a no judgement zone! Also I lost my right to judge people when I wrote mpreg a few weeks ago/lh
Rubs hands
The first two!! Obligatory "I've never gotten too deep into pokemon and the only game I've played start to finish is shield, and I'm like. Partway through brilliant diamond" soooooo! I know nothing about the personalities of these two so we're going off of looks!! And I say!
Valid!
Brassius gives off either old and exhausted punk or old exhausted gay artist but those two can overlap!
Hassel Looks yummy I love me a good longhaired blonde man AND he looks a little on the older side? YUMMY!!! He looks like he'd either he a grade A douchebag rich guy or a total sweetheart
Larry! Hey I know you I saw your dick on Twitter!!!/ref mo but real talk I can get the appeal! I already know that's hes a tired working man but that's about all I know!! Hes valid, I'd give him a big ol kith
Milori looks interesting! I don't know wheres hes from so once more we rely off of looks! He looks vaguely like a broken man . I can fix him. Valid!!!
Pentious is valid but I'm biased because I also had a crush on the character!! Pathetic men are just so silly!! Probably also has my favorite design of the entire show!!
Lucifer is also valid I can see the vision!! Caring but mentally I'll man who distances himself for one reason or another despite deeply wanting a connection my BELOVED
Grillby also had a choke hold on me when I was into undertale!! I'm so sad that there werent many grillby x reader fics out there- if I was still balls deep into undertale and deltarune like I used to be I'd 100% give writing the characters a shot but unfortunately I doubt I ever will <\3 unrelated theres a surprising amount of buff bara art of him
Gaster!! I can also get behind!! Mysterious creature that hardly has any lore iirc, fandom either portrayed him as a mad evil scientist or a loving father to sans and papyrus, at least with my experience with the fandom.. valid!!
I never watched inside job but I've heard good things about it! Brett looks like a sweetie, so I can understand the appeal! He looks so silly.. just a guy.. valid
Lukas!! It's been so long since I've heard someone talk about MCSM! Obligatory I dont remember much of Lukas, just that he was kind of an ass in the beginning I think.. but I can see the appeal! I was more of a ivor girlie
Surprisingly I have not seen lackadaisy yet! Surprising I know, since I'm huge fans of other indie animations on youtube!! Going off looks I can see the appeal, he gives old grumpy grandpa vibes but I could be totally off! I like his eyebrows :3
Kinger is another valid but again I might be biased because hes my baby girl- cant wait to see more of him in future episodes especially since hes hardly had any screen time so far <\3 he seems so sweet :(
Adam!! I can see the appeal again but his personality isnt really for me <\3 hes valid though!!
AND CLOPIN! It's been so so so long since I've seen the movies but omfg I remember I loved him a lot! Yummy design as well as a nice personality I wish we got more of him <\3 VALID VALID VALID
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⚠️visual snow ʍous ๅɐnsᴉʌ
The thoughts drop and drip out of my skull... Mad emotional ramblings ahead. Scroll to avoid. It's quite much...ha ha.
I was speaking with a friend, and the conversation came up about seeing static or "visual noise," as one might say. I genuinely thought everyone sees the world like this and that the picture-perfectness of photographs and videos doesn't reflect real vision at all. After doing a bit of research, I discovered that I don't see like a normal person at all.
I see the world through what is called visual snow. How this looks varies per individual, but it's generally when there's a bunch of crap that seems like your eyes are a screen. For example, seeing floaters often, after images of things, small lights, rainbow noise, and static. Migraines, astigmatism, and brain damage are just some of the causes of this, but in my case, I always see the world like this. I have a weak left eye, but that's not the cause.
I don't know what it's like to see a horizon and not have it be blinding and give me intense afterimages. I thought this was normal. I thought it was normal to see noise and lines, etc, constantly. I never bothered to bring this up whenever I had my eyes checked, either.
I know other people see like me, obviously, but I'm trying to come to terms with the fact I will probably never see like I'm supposed to. I tried imagining that reality, seeing the world like the photographs and videos, and it left me crying because I don't think I ever will.
I don't know how I've been an artist this long with this problem. I'm dead serious. It makes me wonder... What else am I seeing wrong? Or even hearing wrong? Tasting wrong? Feeling wrong....
"It's so weird. It's like we're teaching you how to be a person."
What's that? I only know sadness and anger. I was told those words a long time ago, by people I no longer have in my life. It's a sentence I can never forget. Do friends say this to each other? Do they? I don't know, I truly don't.
What is this feeling I have right now, then? Am I crying because I am relieved I'm not the only one in the world who sees the world through literal garbage visuals, or am I sad because I will never have a normal sight?
What is the feeling of true happiness? I can't tell you. I have been in a box so long that I don't know what it means to feel intense positive emotions. Am I happy? Or is it something more?
What do [[you guys]] see? What? I mean, it must be something nice, right? Did I make[[ you]] laugh? I mean, if I can do that much...
"We used to talk all the time!"
But I'm not a friend. I'm your subordinate, your ex-coworker. What did I do? How do you remember me? Did I make you laugh? Leave an impression? I don't know. I can't see anything without v i s u al s n o w.
I remember smiling and laughing, but I can't remember who that (me) was or why why why
Noise looks so much better against a dark background.
I was born at.... 3 AM I believe.
Ambivalence. Dancing between there and then and now.
what the hell am I doing
ḩ̿̿ͮ̀͟͏̫ ̵̵̧̞ͬ̅ͣ͝e̸̴̶̻ͧ̑ͪ͝ ̧̝̆͘͝͠l̸̩ͪ̇͛̓̕͜͠ ̷̗̇͡͠͠p̶̧̛̳̏͂̄́͢
#musings#vent#what do you call being in a state where you are neither happy nor sad yet feel so much emotion at once you want to just...#grab em and yank em#stop vibrating and making a sound.......
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KDA 18: Familiar patterns
Small pricks in the back of his neck reminded Kalrick he didn't shower after cutting his hair.
He sat up, dizzy and needing food, but lighter. His phone read 3:06, and hundreds of unopened messages. God it'd been so long since he was able to check his phone in the morning. The top message was from a new group chat Randal and 5K started that morning. He replied back he was fine, and would keep them updated.
Everything else was pretty old. A lot of people asking where he was, how he was doing, if he was alright. All of them unanswered. Eventually people had completely stopped trying to contact him it seemed. There were more messages at the bottom, and the fresher the date, the less frequency.
Until he reached January, two years ago.
Jan 12
Haven: Awesome! I've booked you for next week. Do you have the design you want inked?
You: image.png
Haven: Looks good, I can definitely do that :)
Jan 15
Haven: What you up to?
Jan 19
Haven: Wanna come over?
Jan 20
Haven: Right. no one talks to you, you come to me or something emo
Kalrick starred at the image he sent. The same sigil on his body. He didn't remember sending this at all or even who Haven was. But it had to be him, since the demonic didn't use his phone at all. There must've been a period of time right before the possession that would make things clearer.
Anyone with mild information about occult knew better than to tattoo a demons sigil on themself. Just as bad if not worse than getting your boyfriend's name on your arm, and he still didn't know who was on his body.
A quick flip through his grimoire didn't show previous signs of working with that demon. He'd worked with Azazel, Vassago, Dantalion, and Astaroth. He didn't have the patience for Lucifer or anyone like that, but it didn't matter. He'd never work with someone enough to tattoo their sigil on himself.
But this was progress. He had someone to find, a name even. A quick internet search could probably even find this tattoo artist. Now he needed to confront his mom.
Down the hall, he stepped into the living room where she peered through her cateye glasses onto her phone.
"You were out late." She said without looking up.
"I was." He replied.
"What time did you get back?"
"Late. I wanted to spend the night but I'm not ready."
"I don't remember saying that was ok."
"Well, mom, I'm also 26 and still am on the lease to the apartment under my name, so there's that."
"Oh, well excuse me for caring."
"Mom, that's not what I wanted talk about." He sighed. "I know you're into Jesus, but did we used to go to church when I was a kid?"
Her attention broke from her phone, immediately facing him.
"Oh-" her voice cracked. "You're hair!" Her hands fluttered and motioned, but she didn't touch it.
"Yeah, I cut it. But did you take me to church when I was little?"
Her hands finally found a place over her mouth, attempting to quiet her instant tears.
"Your hair," She cried and shook her hair. "It was so beautiful."
"It wasn't for you." he said flattly.
"You used to have it like that as a child, it was so pretty and I just got you back," She whined.
"And I also cut it as a child."
His words only made her cry harder, and she removed her glasses to wipe the tears away.
"Did I go to therapy as a kid?"
"Your hair... I had my baby back and- you seemed happy again. I just-"
She mumbled something Kalrick couldn't make out.
"It's not about you." He said softly. But her reaction didn't get worse or better. She probably didn't hear.
"I don't want to lose you again," She sniffed.
The guilt that had kept him calm all 5 minutes evaporated in the same sentence. Making her cry was never his intention, he didn't cut his hair to make her sad or get back or anything. It made him feel sorry for asking anything relating to the past at all.
But the match of anger struck back.
"Why are you afraid of losing me?" He snapped and she flinched at the sudden change of volume. "You didn't even notice anything was wrong!"
He stormed out of the house, chest and fists burning. The bright sun only reinforced the heat that flushed to his cheeks, blazing into his walking ritual.
Why did she deserve to miss him when she didn't even notice he was gone all that time? Why did she get any opinion on his body when the only times she liked the way he looked, he was at his worst? It wasn't her hair, it was his, and everyone felt entitled to him.
He completed the ritual, and immediately felt the desired calming effect. The sickness from last night retreated from high tide, and embraced the wave of peace.
Back to the house, he showered away the stray hairs, completed the ritual once more, and closed his bedroom behind him. He browsed through the grimoire, refreshing his memory on visualization and protection. He needed it now more than ever.
His mom knocked softly three times on the other side of the door. He paused, refusing to speak and she knocked another set of three.
"Kalrick?" She called gently. "You know I love you, and I always will. "
He said nothing, but instead put the book inside his bag and texted the chat he'd be on his way to the apartment.
"I didn't mean to upset you," She continued. "And I'm sorry..."
He held his position, waiting to zip up the other half of the bag.
"I'm so sorry I made you feel like I don't."
He resumed the motion, and visualized a barrier of protection along with the same sensation of falling. Falling like he did off the roof, falling through the motion of leaving the gate out front. He concentrated on drawing the same energy, and visualized the sigil crisp and vibrant.
The energy pooled, and like surface tension breaking, overflowed and burst out. The room around him folded like oragami and with a pop inside his ears, the pressure changed and tore through. His knees gave out and the rest of him crashed against his apartment door.
He tumbled through, backpack weighing him down stomach first on the carpet.
"What the fuck!" 5K Shouted, dropping the blunt he was about to light and nearly falling off the couch. His face was so gaunt, he'd probably seen less scarry roaches.
Something ticked from the back of Kalrick's skull into his sense of direction, and his orientation loaded in all at once. The coordinates locked and instantaneously became aware exactly which way everything was faced. He knew exactly how and where to do the ritual from his position.
"I'll be right back," Kalrick shoved himself up and walked right out the door without closing it.
His mind screamed for sleep, but he knew better now to trust his body's instinct. It was the ritual that gave him energy, the ritual he couldn't function without. And using magick to teleport actually helped him reorientate. It was just like his spells in his grimoire, all he needed was to practice a little and it sparked right back.
Just like at his mom's home, his body knew exactly what to do and followed its instinct around the apartment complex.
"Get back here, fucker!" 5K shouted after him. "Where you going?" He panted, catching up to him.
Kalick continued the ritual, completely ignoring his roommate. 5K tugged at his arm, hoping to grab his attention but instead all he got were strange looks from the passersby. He didn't have the capacity to care what people thought of the two strange kids- grown men stumbling around the apartment. His choppy hair and strange walking pattern, his friend chasing him down in his socks.
He looped, circled and followed the correct way until landing back at his door, letting out a sigh of replenishment. He blinked, becoming able to concentrate on more than the need to balance himself.
5K stared at him.
"I'm good now." Kalrick nodded.
"What the fuck was that?" 5K said.
"Don't worry about it," He entered the building and let 5K catch the door after him.
"How did you get here?"
"Teleported. I don't know how soon Randal will get here, but I sent it in the chat I'm ready to bounce as soon as we're all here."
"Where are we going?"
"Tattoo shops." He gestured to his wrists, where the disrupted sigils marked his skin. "Let's find out who gave me this shit."
"Ok, but I need to smoke first." He nodded.
That was an oddly instant agreement. Kalrick's memory of the past was distant and foggy, but he doubted 5K being like this before. It's not that they were especially close or anything, but he was certain this wasn't the same. Nothing was the same, but his character and mannerisms had slid in a direction he couldn't see.
"Make yourself at home," 5K said. "Fuck- this is your home. Uh, you know what I mine. Mean."
"It probably didn't feel like it, since you said I wasn't here most of the time. I feel bad that you got the shit end of the stick in all this."
"Nah, you're good, honest." He shook his head. "I'll get you some water."
He took out a red solo cup from a stack, and next the pitcher from the fridge. Kalrick watched curiously, as he placed the plastic cup in the sink before pouring the water. He gripped the pitcher with both hands, but they still shook unsteadily. Roughly one-third of the glass worth missed, draining into the sink.
Once full, he refilled the pitcher, returning it to the fridge and stiffly gave Kalrick the cup.
"Um, thanks." Kalrick responded, both taking a seat on the couch.
The skinny, tattooed friend finally picked up the blunt he'd dropped.
Kalrick sipped the water, pretending as if he weren't eagerly waiting to see how 5K would light up. The previous night his fingers weren't able to unwrap the newspaper well, and just a moment ago he couldn't pour water normal. How would he be able to flick a lighter?
5K brought out his lighter but did not snap his wrist or flick the mechanism. But instead pressed down a button and the flame awoke. He drew a long breath, settling into the indent on the couch.
The smell brought back fond memories and unwinding anxiety, when his friend extended his arm. It was shottily stick'n poked in several places, and spots near his wrist were burned from ciggerets.
He accepted the offering, inhaled, then passed it back. Two years of a T break was going to feel so good. Within a few minutes of passing it between each other, Kalrick's fear of social inadiquacy subsided. 5K was a chill guy, he'd understand his curiousity.
"Hey," Kalrick started.
His friend nodded in agckowlagment.
"I know my body went through a hell of a lot of things without me recently. And right now I'm trying to make sense of all that. But..."
5K looked up at the ceiling and exhaled more smoke, displaying his large adams apple. Had his nose always been crooked? It seemed to have been broken and rehealed wrong.
"But?" His grey eyes glanced at Kalrick's dark ones.
"But what happened to you? I'm not trying to be rude, but you're not the same."
"Yeah," He sighed. "I havn't been completly honest with you."
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1141.
When did you last eat cheetos?
>> I don't eat cheetos
Have you ever talked on the phone more than an hour?
>> long long time ago
Have you ever played the sims 3?
>> I did play 3. that's the one that I broke by trying to fuck the Grim Reaper
Would you swim with sharks for $5000?
>> I can't swim, so no. if I could swim I'd do this for free
Have you ever been to buschgardens?
>> haven't
Do you take alot of pictures of yourself?
>> I really don't. not even because I don't want to, just because I totally forget that that's even a thing
What color is your house door?
>> this is one of those things that I don't ever remember because it's so banal and inconsequential that my memory doesn't see any point in holding onto it
Do you know anybody who is afraid of clowns?
>> probably, it seems so common
Do you make a wish on 11:11?
>> I do not
What time did you wake up this morning?
>> kind of early, actually (considering recent trends)... like 07:30
Were you ever afraid of the dark?
>> I was not
Do you have a mirror in your bedroom?
>> lol I have those stick-on pseudoglass type dealies on one of my walls and I tried to arrange them in a fun asymmetrical way but that just fucked up the image even more than it'd already be fucked up from being split into squares
I got those because I thought it'd be cheaper than buying a regular full-length mirror but I think I was wrong about that + I hate that the image is slightly warped so it wasn't even worth it. better than nothing for now but I definitely plan on replacing it with an actual fkn mirror at my earliest opportunity
oh and I also have a small mirror on my vanity that is made to look like a window with a spiderweb in the corner, that's fun
What kinda type of computer do you have?
>> the one I'm on right now is a Lenovo and my desktop was built by NZXT
Do you put pepper on mostly everything you eat?
>> I sure do
Have you ever seen a zebra?
>> at zoos, yeah
When was the last time you had hiccups?
>> I have no idea, this rarely happens to me
Do you like extra butter on your popcorn?
>> the only way you'll get me to eat popcorn is if you blast it with flavour, so
Have you ever had toe cramps?
>> I have
Could you live the rest of your life without eating meat?
>> probably, I don't eat much of it as it is
What is your favorite kind of icecream?
>> Trader Joe's horchata ice cream (which is a limited-run item because of course it is)
Whats your middle name?
>> Shadow
How tall are you?
>> 5'5" or so
Have you ever got told that you should be a model?
>> long time ago but the motives of the people sayin that were of course questionable
What grade are you in?
Do you like the taste of burnt popcorn?
>> no way
Is it past 10:00pm?
>> it's midafternoon
Do you have a myspace?
Have you ever touched a snake?
>> have! I love snakes
Are you good at jump rope?
>> I don't think so, considering the last time I jumped rope I was probably still too young to drink. fortunately it is not that hard and I'm sure I'd be fine at it again if I practiced some
Do you wear makeup?
>> occasionally
Are you an outgoing or shy person?
>> neither
Have you ever seen snow?
>> many times
What show did you watch last?
>> Frasier
Have you ever had a rolling back pack?
>> haven't, even though I really could have used one but... fucking parent -__- "just go to your locker instead" fuck off
Are you cold at the moment?
>> my heater is blasting directly at me
What season were you born in?
>> spring
Do you wear flip flops almost everyday?
>> I wear flip flops almost never
Do you have a person you could tell everything to?
Do you have good taste in clothes?
>> I mean, obviously I appreciate my own taste in clothing?? because it's mine??? lmao
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Visuals of a Distant Memory
Sometimes, I wonder what other people's lives must be like. What runs in their head every second of every day, what visuals they wake up to. What hues of green, black, pink, purple, reds and oranges they must see with their irises every time they wake up.
What were other peoples memories like? What do they remember, what did they feel, touch, smell and hear? Did they hear the yelling decibels of the people who created them? Do they feel the rocks of their bed as they slept in the wind and rain, the tugging of their hair? Do they remember the ache of loneliness in their hearts as they scroll around the internet, rummaging like a desperate hoarder for a place to call home?
What do they feel now, looking back on it? Probably melancholic. That's what everyone must feel, right? They remember. Everyone does. The sadness, the tragedy, the terror of life as it moves on from a place of comfort to a bath of cold ice-water.
I can remember too.
Maybe it was only 3 years ago, maybe it was up to 7. It's foggy, like the image of a relative you only see once every few years, unable to make out anything but the length of their hair and the perfume they always wore.
It was cold, and it was dark. Have you ever felt that? It was most likely December. I had school that day, Primary School. It was early in the morning, sometimes that happens. You wake up, dreading the school day and realise you're not supposed to wake up for another 4 hours. Its dark outside, and you begin to wonder who else is awake at this time. Serial killers, murderers? The author of your favourite FNAF Comic Dub? An online figure that you happened to admire?
Like a good little girl that I was, I still changed into my uniform. It felt baggy and uncomfortable and not at all who I was, but there was no other choice. I stubbled over into the kitchen, rubbing my tired eyes. Those few nights, I couldn't sleep. I'd spend hours and hours looking into the dark and dreary night, wondering about things I shouldn't be as a young child. But also regular kid things too.
Nobody was in the small living room. Not even my older sister, whose faint cries of stress I can always somewhat recall. I turned on the light. The central heating was on, but there was still a faint chill of cold from the outside world.
I stood and kicked around, thinking. I had watched a creepydrawsta the night before, and I was trying to memorise all that had happened in it, the strokes the artist made while painting the story they were reading with their gentle, enigmatic voice. Maisie Went Missing Last Year, I think it was called. I tried to remember the names of all of my favourite Creepypasta characters, but there was always one whose name and backstory I seemed to slightly misremember.
I logged onto the family computer, an old dingy thing that took 2 and a half minutes to fully turn on. Although my parents were entering their late 40s, the computer still seemed eons more senile and ancient.
I opened it, the yell it eminated when it turned on frightened me a little, but I maintained a straight face. I always did anyways, facial expressions never did come easy to me.
I typed in 'YOUTUBE' in all caps, as for some reason I had forgotten to turn it off. I was the only one in my family that actually used Youtube, so all of the recommended videos were tailored to me.
I was a vocaloid fan as well. Something caught my eye. A song, 'Psychotic Love Song'. The thumbnail was of a girl with long flowing silver hair with red eyes and little bits of blood covering her. Typical Yandere, she looked like an Utauloid as well.
The song was an Utauloid cover of a song I had vaguely heard once before, in a top 10 Yandere songs or something like that.
I enjoyed it, and found the robotic feminine voice singing it to be pleasing.
I checked the comments.
'I'm cosplaying as Hatsune Miku for nightmare night. Hope I don't find any Tei cosplayers around O.o'. I didn't understand the context, nor who 'Tei' was and why they would want to harm Miku cosplayers.
I checked the day it was sent. 8 years ago. The person had a Twilight Sparkle Profile Picture, a staple of early 2010s internet. Halloween of maybe 2011, maybe 2010. Maybe even 2009. This person, whoever they were, sent this comment not knowing that a lonely child would be seeing it a little over 8 years later. That person must have grown up, gotten a job, graduated school. Yet their plans from Halloween from when they must have been a teenager are still here, on an old utauloid cover nobody had commented on in 5 years.
It was still dark and chilly, but I didn't really care. I was enthralled at how that night may have gone for them. Did they have fun? Was it the worst night of their life? Was it just another Halloween? I wanted to know. I wanted to know what it was like, being them. They could be filthy rich, in jail, homeless, or just living an ordinary life by the time I read that comment.
I wanted to reply, asking how Halloween of 2009-2010-2011 went for them. Who they were, how old they were, what their name was, where they lived, what they were doing now, how they were coping with things. They may have even been long dead, but I wouldn't have any way of knowing. That's what intrigued me.
How one tiny footnote of a person's life can make you so curious, make you want to dive down their personal rabbit hole.
I watched another Youtube video once the song was over, a FNAF Comic dub. Then another, an edgy tribute Creepypasta to Jeff the Killer. Another, an old japanese meme from Nico Nico Douga, more vocaloid songs, cringe mmd dramas, anime clips, a few animation memes. Nobody was awake. I didn't care where I was, or that I still was a lonely child with no friends at all, who lived in a dysfunctional house.
Those 3 or 4 hours, I believe I was at peace for the first time in a very long while.
Of course, I still had to go to school, which always sucked, but what could I have done? I remembered what I had seen that day, what I had watched, and for a few seconds, I was at peace.
Life was worth a small something, a secret a little girl would keep in a cheap jewellery box.
Distant.
Cold.
Yet comforting.
Do you remember?
#writing#rant post#nostalgia#weirdcore#liminalcore#liminal space#old fandom#childhood#mental illness#suicide#short story#concept#concept writing#truestory#reminiscing#tags#i hate tags#sukone tei#utauloid#vocaloid#littlelady#2010s nostalgia#memories#personal rant#rant
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