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lilacastar · 1 month

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KDA 22: The Right Questions

Kalrick had begun compiling a laundry list of things that weren't adding up. Things that didn't quite make sense, or couldn't remember, or just felt weird. Somehow, the question of what he was doing before the possession took place, slipped his mind.

"You asked me why I allowed a demonic in me," Kalrick started.

"Yes," Randle answered. "I didn't mean for it to sound like that, but I do still want to know-"

"Yeah I don't give a shit about that."

He blinked in surprise.

"What I mean is, what was I working on before the event happened? You seem to know more than I do about it, even though you thought I would want this."

"That's not what I meant, man."

"Ok, sure. But what was I looking for? You said it yourself, it couldn't have happened accidentally. What was I looking for that led up to this?"

"I don't remember that well either," He rubbed his arm. "It's been a long time since then."

"Bullshit," he scoffed. "That's not what you've been insinuating."

"Look, I just don't want to open up old problems when we could just move on and focus on the now."

"We had a fight, didn't we."

Randle looked down, still holding his arm.

"I don't care about the fight, you don't even need to tell me what it was about, just tell me what the hell we were looking for."

"Do you promise not to ask about what we fought about?"

"Yeah, whatever, I won't."

"Uhg, I'm being for real, Kal! I literally do not want to get into it."

"Yes, I promise I won't ask about what the fight was." He rolled his eyes. "As long as it doesn't have anything to do with what I was looking for."

"It doesn't, I swear. It's just really embarrassing and I'd rather die than bring it up."

"Then get to it."

"Fine. You were looking into finding someone you used to talk to. You said the demonic were the only ones who could help you, and needed to find something from a long time ago."

"Find something?"

"You didn't know what it was, that's why you were looking for it. You said you'd recognize it when you found it, and that you met him before. I don't know who or what you were looking for, but you were very determined you'd find it."

"Ok, so I'm gathering you stopped looking with me because of a fight, but did I find it?"

"You said you wouldn't ask!"

"I'm not! It doesn't matter what it was about, it was probably dumb anyway. I just want to know if I found anything relating to what I was looking for."

"I don't know, man. We fought before I could find anything useful. I wasn't much use anyway, I mostly just found books or research, and you'd tell me if it was useless or helpful."

"And did this happen really suddenly, like one day I'm researching, the next I'm picking a fight for no reason and telling you to stop helping me?"

He narrowed his eyes. "I thought you said you didn't remember."

You fucking moron.

Was what he wanted to say. He bit his tongue to hold back the rage filled comment.

"And you don't think," Kalrick said as calmly as possible. "That maybe it was a little too coincidental? Of, I don't know, the topic I was researching and suddenly I'm acting wildly out of character?"

"I'm sorry if demonic possession isn't the first conclusion I come up with. Even most possession is solved with a basic cleansing, meditation, and some visualization. And I did try to help you, but it was a little difficult when you told me to fuck off."

"Just," He shook his head, trying not to think about all the things making him angry. "What stuff was I looking at? This feels really important."

"It's probably still here in your room. I think it's the stuff on the desk."

"Why didn't you think to tell me this earlier?"

"I mean, it didn't go that great when we went out for coffee."

That was different. Randle also insinuated he allowed this to happen on his own free will, as if he wanted this all to happen. Whatever.

"Alright. Let's just get every book I have and start sorting. Maybe you can go see if 5K wants to help now that he's smoked?"

"Can he even read?"

"Why don't you ask him and find out?"

Randle shot him a cynical look back.

"He passed high school, so it's safe to assume he can."

"You worked customer service, Kal. You and I both know the dumbest people alive can graduate."

"Just go get him."

With a reluctant sigh, he left to collect 5K. Kalrick gathered the books, papers, and anything that could be of use and displayed them in a large pile on the ground. Useful, not useful. He didn't need a maybe pile, he'd be able to tell just by looking.

The other two returned and he directed his organization. 5K of course, didn't know anything about demonolatry and explaining "you'll just feel it", didn't seem to go through. 5K ended up just holding whatever he picked up and pretending to flip through, before passing it to Kalrick.

He opened the grimior and listed the most important questions he could think of.

Where did the money come from

Who is the sigil

What is Valery not saying

What is mom hiding

Why is everyone too helpful

Randle raised an eyebrow at the last one listed. "What do you mean by that one. No one has found what you're looking for."

"Everyone's too nice." Kalrick mumbled. "They're all looking at me funny."

"I'm not."

Kalrick said nothing, and continued to peruse the books. A lot of them were about connecting and working with the demonic. Some of them were self-help books, which seemed a bit out of place. A few were about grounding techniques, while others were the opposite and about leaving the body to connect with mental and spiritual.

"Ohhhh," 5K exclaimed. "Look who's a bad boy." He held up a pink slip of paper.

"What is that?" Randle asked.

"Oh," Kalrick recognized it. "It's a pink slip. At our elementary it was like a warning level before having to get sent home for being bad. If you get too many you got suspended, but mine never got that bad."

"Mine did once," 5K reminisced. "Kept pop, pop, popping plastic water bottles and someone thought it was a gunshot and we had to drill. When they found out it was me, it was like week of suspension."

"I think I remember that. I didn't know it was you though, I thought that was Brandon. We didn't start hanging out till, what, high school?."

"I am Brandon. For some reason I forget you even attended the same school as me before high school. I don't ever remember seeing you."

"I honestly forgot you had a real name, but I also don't remember a lot growing up. It's really blurry. Apparently I was busy," He paused, reading the pink slip in 5K's hand. "Passing notes in class when repeatably told not to."

He frowned. The fact it was in his apartment and not left at home with his mom meant something. It sparked a familiar idea, but just couldn't get it burning enough. He needed more kindling to understand yet another thing that didn't make sense.

"What?" Randle asked. "That's pretty basic to get caught with."

"Who was I passing notes to?"

"Is it important?"

"I think it is. It's with the rest of this stuff, and I didn't have any friends in grade school. So who was I talking to?"

"It could've been anyone, man. It's been over a decade."

"No," Kalrick shook his head. "This feels important, and I know for sure I wasn't talking to anyone back then. I was very isolated."

"Easy to get into weird shit when you're lonely." 5K remarked. "Or the wrong kind of shit."

"Couldn't agree more." Kalrick nodded. "And this for sure has something to do with what I'm looking for."

He took the slip and put it in his bag. It was extra important.

"Leaving?" 5K asked.

"No, I'm keeping it for later though," He stopped to look at the time. "Shit, I actually should leave before my mom finishes dinner and sees I'm gone."

"Mommy issues over here." He teased.

"As if you don't." He rebounded. "Didn't you move out and in with me because your mom?"

He raised his tremoring hands as if to say you got me. "Yeah, she was stressing me out by spending the rent money on drugs, then I end up with the same problem. You left for the same reason. Couldn't stop fighting with your mom."

"When has he never not been constantly fighting with her?" Randle chimed in.

He was right. He couldn't remember the last time they hadn't had something to argue about. But both of them got over it pretty fast, typically.

"Whatever," Kalrick strapped his backpack on, and readied himself for the exhaustion of teleportation. "Let's pick this up later or else I'll never be allowed to leave the house again."

He left his friends in the building and made his way to the front doorway. It felt easier somehow, as if it were a better angle. Eyes closed, he envisioned the entrance to the dirt road, and sent himself on the way.

#KDA #KDA 22

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lilacastar · 1 month

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KDA 21: Standby

"Sorry that was a bust, Kalrick." 5K said.

"It's fine," Kalrick responded. "I think she's holding something back, but at least I know the church needs to be my next step. A shame we have to wait till Sunday."

He ducked into the passenger seat next to the driver, but Randle didn't look over at all. So much so, it felt deliberate.

"Why do you think she's disk, diskon- not honest?" 5K stuttered.

"I don't know. Just felt like she had more to say, but I've been feeling that way about everyone lately." He turned to Randle, who refused to look at him. "What do you think?"

Randle shrugged. "Doesn't really matter what I think."

"Why wouldn't it." He replied flatly.

"Never mind." He huffed.

Whatever. If he wanted to say what was wrong, he should just outright say it.

The rest of the car ride was spent with 5K making random remarks and commentary, then himself providing a half-assed response. Randle continued to ignore the both of them.

The car parked, but Randle left the car running, making no move to get out and follow the other two.

"You coming?" Kalrick asked.

"You guys can just go ahead."

5K closed his door. "Alright then, have fun going home." He turned and started for the apartment.

Kalrick sighed, opening his arms in a defeated gesture. "Okay, why?"

"You don't even care," he rolled his eyes. "You're busy with research"

"Well I wouldn't be asking if I didn't care, now would I?"

"Oh come on!" 5K shouted, at the door already and fumbling with his keys. "We all know you just want him to convince you what's wrong."

Randle sat in the car, mouth open in attempts to respond, but failed. Thank you 5K, for the right amount of poor impulse control. It was so effective, he did indeed follow Kalrick and 5K into the apartment without another word.

"I need to smoke," 5K exasperated. "let me know when the bullshit is over."

Jesus, he really did need to smoke again with this attitude. Randle was sensitive at times, but it's not like he went out of his way to be rude to 5K.

Kalrick rolled his eyes then led Randle by the hand to his room. Both of them were so dramatic.

"Ok, for real." Kalrick shut the door behind him. "What is your problem? You keep doing one thing and saying another."

"What are you talking about?" he sighed. "you guys are the ones who have a problem with me."

"Because you keep getting in a mood for no reason."

"If there wasn't a reason, I wouldn't be in a mood."

"Then tell me what the hell is going on! I just don't understand you right now. You say you don't want to be my friend again, then hang out with me like you do. You say you do want to be my friend then act like you don't. You're down to help me, then act like you don't want to be there the entire time."

"Well, maybe you don't need my help if Valery has been so much more helpful." Randle huffed.

"Are you fucking serious right now?" The infinite bounds of patience he once held for this special person, started to leak out the cracks of his body.

The lack of eye contact being made answered the question for him.

"You're jealous," He couldn't contain his historical laughter before finishing the thought. "Of the goth girl I don't even remember fucking, who I am not attracted to because I am attracted to men, because I held a conversation with her?"

"You can't pretend like you didn't see the way she was looking at you."

"You. Are. Delusional! I cannot believe what you are saying."

"Free cover up? Are we just going to ignore how outrageously expensive that normally would cost?"

"But you admit to being jealous! What the fuck are you jealous of, you literally said we can't be friends too soon."

"That's not what I said."

"That is what you said, don't gaslight me."

"Fine, that's not what I meant."

"Then what do you mean? I felt like shit when you told me you didn't want to see me, but you keep coming around like you do, then said we'd give it another try."

"I do want to see you, ok? I said that because you just jumped back into my life without warning and I finally thought I moved on. And now you're here, so very much you and the same Kalrick I used to know. But you're also so different."

"I couldn't tell you felt that way by how you've been treating me."

"And I'm sorry for that," He sighed. "I'm just trying to slow down on the emotional whiplash I'm going through, and I don't know. I guess trying to not get my hopes up too high in case this isn't real at all."

"You still like hanging out with me?"

"Yes!" His arms gestured dramatically. "You know how hard it has been to remain calm? When I dropped you off the first time, I was trying not to laugh my ass off because of how funny you are."

"Really?"

"Yes, really. I like you, I really liked you. It's just hard to be around you when I haven't sorted everything in my head. I tried to put it aside, but it just came out today with Valery."

"Then what are we? I mean, what are you wanting to do?"

"I want to help you. When we finish your closure project, let's see how we go from there."

"Revenge." Kalrick corrected.

"Revenge? Isn't that a bit..."

"Badass? Why yes, it is."

"I was going to say childish. What's that going to accomplish, and how do you get revenge on something... that's not here."

"I have a plan." he said confidently.

"You've yet to explain the process of this plan."

"It'll work out, I promise. I just need more information on what I was doing before I got possessed and during. So far the only thing it seemed to do during, was worship the sigil and physical pleasure."

"Where'd the money come from?"

"Money?"

"Your rent money you paid 5K with. You quit working 5 months ago, so where'd the rest of the money come from?"

He was right. There was no way he'd saved enough to live off that long. And the demonic had to eat too. Probably.

"Maybe it cashed from my bank?" Kalrick asked with little confidence. "I always pay with my phone, maybe it had to cash it in person since it didn't touch my phone."

"You could check your statement online."

"This is why I need you, Randle."

"For basic solutions?"

"Yes, I'm probably not even average intelligence anymore. And that used to be my biggest accomplishment."

"Don't say that."

But it was true. It was his very best to get average grades in school, and constantly struggled with just being below a problem. To not get in trouble for strange interests or behaviors and disappointing his mom, meant he won. If existing took that much effort just to be average, it was no wonder he ended up without a career and straight into customer service. And then demonic possession, naturally.

He pulled up the banking website on his phone, waiting for it to load and braced for the negative impact. It'd be alright, no matter the damage. He'd already failed this badly, his mom's only child and biggest disappointment. He was everything she didn't understand, might as well add massive debt to the list of things she didn't want for him.

The page refreshed, displaying... an amount just above 45,000 dollars. He couldn't comprehend what he was looking at. How? Why was it there?

Randle placed a hand over his own in comfort. "Hey, it's ok." He soothed. "Maybe we can contact some sort of debt service. Or identify theft."

Kalrick only turned the screen around and displayed the bank account.

"Oh-" he hushed.

"I have money." He declared the obvious.

Randle shook his head. "Don't spend it yet."

"Dude I have over 45K in my bank, this is compensation for ruining my life."

"You don't know where it came from, and since you don't have a job you should be using it to live off until you're recovered enough to get one. That's a lot of money, but it goes fast when you don't have income and your roommate is an addict."

"He's doing a good job."

"But my point still stands."

Unfortunately it did. But what would it hurt to just spend a little? He should definitely consult 5K, he'd hopefully agree.

"We'll come back to that, but I can't deny that you're right on where it came from. Our biggest lead is that Baptist church. For now we'll just have to standby until Sunday."

"What'll you do in the meantime?"

"I don't know. Probably smoke with 5K and dig through my stuff. I want to avoid my mom, but I just feel like I'm so close to remembering something important. I feel like she's somehow related to what I'm searching for, but it's buried somewhere and every time we talk it just turns into a fight until I forget what I was asking."

Randle stared back at him with a strange look. Concern? Fear? No, none of those, but he still couldn't place it.

"What?" He mumbled. He'd probably ranted too much, sounding like a middle schooler, no doubt emotionally stunted from trauma.

"You really don't remember, do you?"

"Clearly not?" He shrugged. How was he supposed to know if he didn't even provide context?

"It's just." He paused, wistfully. Kalrick could nearly see his eyes go back to another time. "It's just, you said nearly the same exact thing right before you dropped off my world."

#KDA #KDA 21

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lilacastar · 2 months

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KDA 20: Familiar stranger

A bell dinged as Randle pushed the door open, holding it for him and 5K.

"Welcome in." A voice with little enthusiasm said absentmindedly.

He stepped closer into the establishment, the scent of ink and tools brought back a vague familiarity he couldn't quite place. Perhaps the time he got a tattoo done in his friend's basement? The poorly done star sign still marked his shoulder.

A tall woman stood, cleaning up equipment on the work table.

"Walk-ins are accepted, but I do have an appointment in-" Her voice trailed upon seeing them. Or maybe just Kalrick.

"I guess I'm only important when you need something, huh?" She laughed, making light in what she already knew. "Where've you been, Riki?"

"Are you Valery?" He asked the obvious. The tall woman surveyed them, dressed in black pants, and a tight black tank. Black, thick eyeliner and black lipstick, and naturally, covered in tattoos.

"Are you brain damaged?"

"Essentially, yeah."

She laughed, before noticing he wasn't joining, and her smile slowly died.

"Are you serious?" Her tone dropped flat.

"Yeah, I'm not joking."

She searched 5K and Randle's reaction, as if they were in on the joke. They didn't react, concluding the sincerity of the situation.

"I am, so sorry, fuck- I thought you were fucking with me,"

"It's fine," He shook his head.

"What happened? Is that why you've been gone?."

"Basically a demo-" He paused, rethinking the plausibility of the truth and reflected on something more believable. "I went through a dissociative episode for the past two years, and basically my entire self was someone else. But I'm back now, looking for some closure, I guess."

She held an odd almost-smile, Kalrick couldn't quite read. Her eyes glanced him over, but he didn't care what she was judging really. There wasn't a whole lot he could stoop lower to at this point.

"What?" He scowled up at her. He wasn't tall to begin with, but his head came up to her shoulder.

"I just feel really bad now, like, so bad. You would not believe."

"I'm not really here for pity."

"That honestly makes me feel worse."

"Well I'm not going to comfort you, I just want to know some stuff." He turned to his friends. "What am I here for again?"

"Honestly, I don't remember." 5K said.

"She tattooed you," Randle sighed. "And safe to assume, other things."

"Right," Kalrick continued, and extended his wrists. "You did this, right?"

She surveyed her ruined work, the fresh scars breaking the sigil. "Yeah, and the other 4 you have."

"Did I ever say whose sigil it was? Or anything relating to what I was doing?"

"Nope, all I made sure was that it wasn't a hate symbol, cause I don't do those."

"You're telling me you don't know anything? Not even who I was to you?"

"Who I was? We weren't much man, mostly just physical. You liked sex, I liked sex, we both got what we wanted. It was on and off, you're pretty skidish. And then disappeared for two months."

"But you had to have heard or seen something about what I was doing. Anything relating to this." He gestured to his wrists again.

"I mean, you were obsessed with that. I don't know what it is, but you were completely obsessed with it. You drew it in notebooks, walked in the pattern, and I think worshiped it at the Baptist church."

"Heritage church?"

"Yeah, that one. Do you for real not remember anything? Or is it patchy, or.."

"Treat me like a clean slate."

"I don't really have much else for you. We fucked, you were obsessed with the sigil and church, and you were in general strange."

"That's my default, how strange do I got to be to be even more?"

"Well," Her voice trailed momentarily. "When you first got inked, you were different. Then you stopped using a phone. When I say you were skidish, I don't think anyone could contact you except through carrier pigeon. You just came when you pleased."

"So I was noticeably different, and this wasn't concerning?"

She started to rearrange the tools again, hands fidgeting but there wasn't anything to clean anymore.

"Little dude, you were very persistent in not talking about your life and avoiding questions. Like, whatever you told me about disassociating, I straight up believe you because you are wildly different right now. But two months ago, you were not asking questions like this, in fact, you'd leave on site if I asked too many. You were just the weird guy who liked having sex with me and paid well for the tattoos."

Something about the conversation left a bad taste in his mouth. He didn't have the words quite yet, but with time it'd happen. As for now, uneasy was what he could call it.

"Well," he shifted, getting ready to go. "I have your phone number and I, Kalrick not Riki, use a phone. Text me if you suddenly remember something."

"Wait!" she called after him, the trio already leaving.

He waited expectantly, but her calculating gaze implied she did indeed have more knowledge.

"At least let me fix your hair."

"My hair? I just cut it."

"Yeah I can tell. Please let me fix it, it's salvageable, it really is."

"I don't care what it looks like, I just needed it off."

"Please, it's literally so bad." Her tone was so cheerful it almost countered the message. "I have some scissors, let me just even out the ends really quick."

"It's not that bad."

5K and Randle groaned sounds of skepticism.

"I mean," Randle mumbled. "I wasn't going to say anything because you seem to be into doing your own thing but..."

"Dog it's ugly as shit." 5K agreed.

That was saying something coming from him. His hair was cropped short, near a buzz to disguise the start of his male patterned hairline. He took no part in styling or the degree of self-care Randle did. To say it was bad, he must've meant it.

"It's the least I can do," Valery said.

"Alright," he sighed, face flushing.

She sat him down in the chair, covering his shirt with a towel.

"At least you didn't cut it too short," she said, beginning the restoration. "It's not the worst to work with, it's just wildly uneven, especially in the back."

"Thanks, it was the work of my bathroom scissors."

"Why'd you do it? It was so pretty long."

"Got too much, and wasn't me. The other guy kept it long and it reminded me... It made me feel trapped."

Randle had been staring intensely at Valery the entire time, when 5K nudged him, breaking his focus.

"Why don't we check out the flashart book at the front?" 5K encouraged.

Randle mumbled something unintelligible, but let himself be guided away anyway.

"Hey," Valery resumed. "I'm not judging. Sometimes I need to manicly cut my hair too. Usually my bangs. Or dye it, dying's a good go-to." She adjusted her position, paused, then resumed on the edges.

Being with her, chatting, felt natural despite how he didn't know her. Did she feel like she knew him? And this was just another casual encounter? She handled his hair like second nature, and his body was not afraid.

"Valery?" He asked.

"Hm?"

"Do you miss me, because I'm not him? Even though it was only about the transaction."

The rhythm of her clipping halted before continuing her original tempo.

"Why would you say something so sad?" Her upbeat voice didn't falter a bit. Instead, she sounded like she was comforting a kicked puppy.

She removed the towel, and gifted him a small mirror from the tool table. It did look noticeably better, he couldn't deny his poor craftsmanship anymore. His white hair still rested past ear length, but her handy work fixed the layers and softened up how harshly he shocked its texture.

"Thank you," he stumbled, unused to kind words coming out of himself.

"Cute, right? You're literally so cute."

"It looks good," he agreed. "But I can't have... Our relationship can't be what you remembered me as."

"I kind of figured. I still think you're cute though."

"You're attractive too, just not to me."

"Wow." She nearly coughed.

"I didn't mean it like-"

"I get it."

"No, you're pretty. It's just I'm not into girls like that."

"Oh." She stayed quiet for a few seconds, then repeated. "Oh."

"At least men is what I've always had experience with. Maybe I could experiment, I don't know. But not right now."

"No, that's completely understandable. I'm just- I'm just so sorry."

"Why? I told you I wasn't here for feeling sorry, I was just following what leads I have."

"Just in general I guess."

"It's not your fault I was sick."

She forced a half-hearted smile. "Hey, if you want a cover-up, I won't charge you."

"That's bad business, but I'll probably take you up on that." Every time he saw his wrists, it was a reminder of how his life spiraled out of his own control. Maybe his own choice of tattoo would help feel like he was back in control.

"You know where to find me."

With that, he said his thanks, collected his friends, and left the shop. He hadn't obtained the information he hoped for, but at least she had shown compassion no one else had.

#KDA #KDA 20

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lilacastar · 2 months

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KDA 19: Meantime

"When you became different," 5K began.

His breath paused, holding the smoke in longer than he would have normally.

"I knew something- I..."

Kalrick waited patiently, not rushing the stumbling words. 5K looked down, away from where his dark eyes stared.

"Do you remember Allison?"

"Your sister, yeah." She'd graduated before all of them, so his memory wasn't especially clear. But he seemed to remember her dropping by every once in a while.

"Yeah, she died."

"Oh." He re-situated the red cup in his hands, but it didn't help with any tension. "I'm so sorry. This probably isn't your first time telling me."

"It is actually. It happened when you started getting really busy, and those symbols got inked on you." He nodded at Kalrick's wrists. "You were really distracted and not around often. Didn't really have the time or emotional energy to bother you."

"I wish I could have been there for you, though."

"It is what it is." He shrugged. "But you know me. I've always had... Substance ish- issues. Allison had a blood clot we didn't know about. She hit her head and killed her pretty much instantly, nothing we could do about it."

"But you can control what goes in your body." Kalrick could already feel where it was going.

"Yeah," He nodded. "I've had addiction issues since- fuck, I don't even know how long. I started using in middle school but it didn't become a problem till later. I felt in control of the coke, acid, ecstasy. I guess her dying was all it took for it to- to go out of control. I picked up heroin."

Kalrick couldn't make eye contact with him any longer. If he had been there, been present... But he wasn't. He could've helped pick him back up. No one was there to care for him.

"I blew all my money but even that didn't stop me."

"What did?" He gestured back at him. "I mean, you're ok and still here."

"I died, Kalrick. I overdosed, and it flat lined me for over 5 minutes."

He couldn't tell if it was the smoke or the weight of 5Ks words that made his head dizzy. If he had just been there, but he wasn't.

"My brain got derived- deprived of oxygen and gave me anoxic brain injury. The dose that kicked me was laced with fentanyl, and I have permeant brain damage. Mostly just gives me tremors and concentration problems. Sometimes I lose my words."

"Damn, I don't know what to say. I've sort of jumped back in and made everything about me. If I can help at all just tell me what."

He shook his head. "You don't need to do anything, promise. Just time will help. They say you can recover for years now, when they used to think it was in the first 6 months."

"Man, but I feel like if I was around I could have gotten you help sooner."

"Don't say that, I did some disappointing things to get better. You're the one who deserved better, cause I'm the one who got help in the end. I got rehab, and you got taken advantage of"

"Then lets not think about it. We're here after all, might as well be present now."

"I can second that."

The door knocked, disrupting their conversation.

"Come on in!" 5K shouted.

Randle entered, shuffling through to where they sat.

"Smells like a hotbox in here," He coughed. "Kalrick, how did you even get here?"

"Teleported." Kalrick nodded.

"Then why can't you teleport to wherever it is you need me to take you?"

"Cause it's exhausting and thought it'd be a great bonding experience. I also can't go places alone and don't ask me to explain but only certain places are teleport-able."

"Is this what you do all day?" He gestured to 5K. "I don't think I've ever seen you go to work, which is where I just came from."

"I'm on disability, not that it's any of your business." 5K rolled his eyes.

"You're right, it's not my business. I'm just tired."

"You don't have to help if you're tired," Kalrick said. "I just thought we all were in this now. And I don't know, it feels good to hang out again. We used to research this type of stuff all the time."

"We did," Randle gazed reminiscently. "I haven't picked that stuff up in a long time though."

"There's nothing you practice? Or I don't know, work with or research?"

"Not really. Kal, I like astrology. Like, reading my horoscope or getting my palm read. Demons, spells, tarot- I liked doing that with you specifically."

"Oh."

Kalrick found himself unable to fathom this information. It seemed like that stuff was all they did together. It always seemed like Randle was having a good time and enjoying himself.

"Well," Randle crossed his arms, looking down at them. "Are we going to follow your lead or keep smoking weed on the couch?"

"I could smoke some more." 5K remarked.

"Let's get started," Kalrick gathered his bag.

"Where did you have in mind?" Randle asked.

"Honestly, I don't know which tattoo place I hit up. I was just going to go to all the nearest ones until I found the one someone named Valery works at."

"Why not just call them and ask?"

"Oh. Uh, I guess I didn't think of that."

"I guess you still have use for me after all."

"I've always had use for you. I like being around you."

He turned to the door. "Let's just get going."

But Kalrick could've sworn he saw the edge of a smile.

#KDA #KDA 19

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lilacastar · 2 months

Text

KDA 18: Familiar patterns

Small pricks in the back of his neck reminded Kalrick he didn't shower after cutting his hair.

He sat up, dizzy and needing food, but lighter. His phone read 3:06, and hundreds of unopened messages. God it'd been so long since he was able to check his phone in the morning. The top message was from a new group chat Randal and 5K started that morning. He replied back he was fine, and would keep them updated.

Everything else was pretty old. A lot of people asking where he was, how he was doing, if he was alright. All of them unanswered. Eventually people had completely stopped trying to contact him it seemed. There were more messages at the bottom, and the fresher the date, the less frequency.

Until he reached January, two years ago.

Jan 12

Haven: Awesome! I've booked you for next week. Do you have the design you want inked?

You: image.png

Haven: Looks good, I can definitely do that :)

Jan 15

Haven: What you up to?

Jan 19

Haven: Wanna come over?

Jan 20

Haven: Right. no one talks to you, you come to me or something emo

Kalrick starred at the image he sent. The same sigil on his body. He didn't remember sending this at all or even who Haven was. But it had to be him, since the demonic didn't use his phone at all. There must've been a period of time right before the possession that would make things clearer.

Anyone with mild information about occult knew better than to tattoo a demons sigil on themself. Just as bad if not worse than getting your boyfriend's name on your arm, and he still didn't know who was on his body.

A quick flip through his grimoire didn't show previous signs of working with that demon. He'd worked with Azazel, Vassago, Dantalion, and Astaroth. He didn't have the patience for Lucifer or anyone like that, but it didn't matter. He'd never work with someone enough to tattoo their sigil on himself.

But this was progress. He had someone to find, a name even. A quick internet search could probably even find this tattoo artist. Now he needed to confront his mom.

Down the hall, he stepped into the living room where she peered through her cateye glasses onto her phone.

"You were out late." She said without looking up.

"I was." He replied.

"What time did you get back?"

"Late. I wanted to spend the night but I'm not ready."

"I don't remember saying that was ok."

"Well, mom, I'm also 26 and still am on the lease to the apartment under my name, so there's that."

"Oh, well excuse me for caring."

"Mom, that's not what I wanted talk about." He sighed. "I know you're into Jesus, but did we used to go to church when I was a kid?"

Her attention broke from her phone, immediately facing him.

"Oh-" her voice cracked. "You're hair!" Her hands fluttered and motioned, but she didn't touch it.

"Yeah, I cut it. But did you take me to church when I was little?"

Her hands finally found a place over her mouth, attempting to quiet her instant tears.

"Your hair," She cried and shook her hair. "It was so beautiful."

"It wasn't for you." he said flattly.

"You used to have it like that as a child, it was so pretty and I just got you back," She whined.

"And I also cut it as a child."

His words only made her cry harder, and she removed her glasses to wipe the tears away.

"Did I go to therapy as a kid?"

"Your hair... I had my baby back and- you seemed happy again. I just-"

She mumbled something Kalrick couldn't make out.

"It's not about you." He said softly. But her reaction didn't get worse or better. She probably didn't hear.

"I don't want to lose you again," She sniffed.

The guilt that had kept him calm all 5 minutes evaporated in the same sentence. Making her cry was never his intention, he didn't cut his hair to make her sad or get back or anything. It made him feel sorry for asking anything relating to the past at all.

But the match of anger struck back.

"Why are you afraid of losing me?" He snapped and she flinched at the sudden change of volume. "You didn't even notice anything was wrong!"

He stormed out of the house, chest and fists burning. The bright sun only reinforced the heat that flushed to his cheeks, blazing into his walking ritual.

Why did she deserve to miss him when she didn't even notice he was gone all that time? Why did she get any opinion on his body when the only times she liked the way he looked, he was at his worst? It wasn't her hair, it was his, and everyone felt entitled to him.

He completed the ritual, and immediately felt the desired calming effect. The sickness from last night retreated from high tide, and embraced the wave of peace.

Back to the house, he showered away the stray hairs, completed the ritual once more, and closed his bedroom behind him. He browsed through the grimoire, refreshing his memory on visualization and protection. He needed it now more than ever.

His mom knocked softly three times on the other side of the door. He paused, refusing to speak and she knocked another set of three.

"Kalrick?" She called gently. "You know I love you, and I always will. "

He said nothing, but instead put the book inside his bag and texted the chat he'd be on his way to the apartment.

"I didn't mean to upset you," She continued. "And I'm sorry..."

He held his position, waiting to zip up the other half of the bag.

"I'm so sorry I made you feel like I don't."

He resumed the motion, and visualized a barrier of protection along with the same sensation of falling. Falling like he did off the roof, falling through the motion of leaving the gate out front. He concentrated on drawing the same energy, and visualized the sigil crisp and vibrant.

The energy pooled, and like surface tension breaking, overflowed and burst out. The room around him folded like oragami and with a pop inside his ears, the pressure changed and tore through. His knees gave out and the rest of him crashed against his apartment door.

He tumbled through, backpack weighing him down stomach first on the carpet.

"What the fuck!" 5K Shouted, dropping the blunt he was about to light and nearly falling off the couch. His face was so gaunt, he'd probably seen less scarry roaches.

Something ticked from the back of Kalrick's skull into his sense of direction, and his orientation loaded in all at once. The coordinates locked and instantaneously became aware exactly which way everything was faced. He knew exactly how and where to do the ritual from his position.

"I'll be right back," Kalrick shoved himself up and walked right out the door without closing it.

His mind screamed for sleep, but he knew better now to trust his body's instinct. It was the ritual that gave him energy, the ritual he couldn't function without. And using magick to teleport actually helped him reorientate. It was just like his spells in his grimoire, all he needed was to practice a little and it sparked right back.

Just like at his mom's home, his body knew exactly what to do and followed its instinct around the apartment complex.

"Get back here, fucker!" 5K shouted after him. "Where you going?" He panted, catching up to him.

Kalick continued the ritual, completely ignoring his roommate. 5K tugged at his arm, hoping to grab his attention but instead all he got were strange looks from the passersby. He didn't have the capacity to care what people thought of the two strange kids- grown men stumbling around the apartment. His choppy hair and strange walking pattern, his friend chasing him down in his socks.

He looped, circled and followed the correct way until landing back at his door, letting out a sigh of replenishment. He blinked, becoming able to concentrate on more than the need to balance himself.

5K stared at him.

"I'm good now." Kalrick nodded.

"What the fuck was that?" 5K said.

"Don't worry about it," He entered the building and let 5K catch the door after him.

"How did you get here?"

"Teleported. I don't know how soon Randal will get here, but I sent it in the chat I'm ready to bounce as soon as we're all here."

"Where are we going?"

"Tattoo shops." He gestured to his wrists, where the disrupted sigils marked his skin. "Let's find out who gave me this shit."

"Ok, but I need to smoke first." He nodded.

That was an oddly instant agreement. Kalrick's memory of the past was distant and foggy, but he doubted 5K being like this before. It's not that they were especially close or anything, but he was certain this wasn't the same. Nothing was the same, but his character and mannerisms had slid in a direction he couldn't see.

"Make yourself at home," 5K said. "Fuck- this is your home. Uh, you know what I mine. Mean."

"It probably didn't feel like it, since you said I wasn't here most of the time. I feel bad that you got the shit end of the stick in all this."

"Nah, you're good, honest." He shook his head. "I'll get you some water."

He took out a red solo cup from a stack, and next the pitcher from the fridge. Kalrick watched curiously, as he placed the plastic cup in the sink before pouring the water. He gripped the pitcher with both hands, but they still shook unsteadily. Roughly one-third of the glass worth missed, draining into the sink.

Once full, he refilled the pitcher, returning it to the fridge and stiffly gave Kalrick the cup.

"Um, thanks." Kalrick responded, both taking a seat on the couch.

The skinny, tattooed friend finally picked up the blunt he'd dropped.

Kalrick sipped the water, pretending as if he weren't eagerly waiting to see how 5K would light up. The previous night his fingers weren't able to unwrap the newspaper well, and just a moment ago he couldn't pour water normal. How would he be able to flick a lighter?

5K brought out his lighter but did not snap his wrist or flick the mechanism. But instead pressed down a button and the flame awoke. He drew a long breath, settling into the indent on the couch.

The smell brought back fond memories and unwinding anxiety, when his friend extended his arm. It was shottily stick'n poked in several places, and spots near his wrist were burned from ciggerets.

He accepted the offering, inhaled, then passed it back. Two years of a T break was going to feel so good. Within a few minutes of passing it between each other, Kalrick's fear of social inadiquacy subsided. 5K was a chill guy, he'd understand his curiousity.

"Hey," Kalrick started.

His friend nodded in agckowlagment.

"I know my body went through a hell of a lot of things without me recently. And right now I'm trying to make sense of all that. But..."

5K looked up at the ceiling and exhaled more smoke, displaying his large adams apple. Had his nose always been crooked? It seemed to have been broken and rehealed wrong.

"But?" His grey eyes glanced at Kalrick's dark ones.

"But what happened to you? I'm not trying to be rude, but you're not the same."

"Yeah," He sighed. "I havn't been completly honest with you."

#KDA #KDA 18

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lilacastar · 3 months

Text

KDA 17: Weight of it all

Kalrick slowly opened the fridge to remain as quiet as possible. He waited till the apartment fell silent and 5K resided in his own room, before pursuing his mission to the kitchen.

Finally, alone with no expectations and staring eyes. This would take away the strange anxiety of drinking his favorite coffee. Perhaps it was just his overthinking and expectations of who he used to be, of which caused the obscene amount of anxiety.

His hands cupped the beverage, ice now melted but still chilled. His heart pounded, growing heavier the closer he brought the drink closer. His chest tightened, blood popping, ringing his ears. It was all wrong.

It didn't matter what his body was saying, this small piece of enjoyment used to make life so much better, and like hell he was going to have it again. He just needed to push past whatever this was.

His hands shook and trembled as he forced his arms to move. It spilled and dripped down his neck while his mouth salivated for more, yet his throat gagged, straining to keep it down.

A wave a heat passed over the back of his neck, the hairs standing up on end. This was probably a very wrong decision. The cup held about a third left, but the deep feeling of wrong began to overwhelm him to the brim, and threw the rest into the trash.

Something was wrong with his body. Or maybe his brain? Would if it was all mental?

Retreating to his room, Kalrick curled up on the bed with his clothes still on. He could just wait for the feeling to pass, maybe he just needed rest. Sweat collected on his back, a tightness in his stomach rising.

Closing his eyes wasn't helping either, and sleep was beginning to look like a dead option. Instead his gaze caught on the books Randal had been flipping through. One of them solid black, a standard unlined notebook. His Grimoire.

Without another thought, he slid off the bed and snatched up the book, the familiar spine loose from years of wear. The last, most recent page pictured the same sigil as the ones on his body, a scribble of text accompanying the drawing.

Do not call his name, do not call his Enn. Worship his presence, not his name, and you will meet him again.

What the hell did that mean? He still needed to ask Randal what they were researching before his possession, he seemed to remember more than Kalrick did before it happened.

A wave of nausea passed through his system and he scrambled to the bathroom, expelling the coffee into the toilet. His physical instincts were right, it was a terrible idea despite how much he missed normal habits. He panted and spit saliva into the bowl, wiping his mouth.

The rest of him trembled as he lay his dizzy head onto the cold and sticky floor. It should have disgusted him, but exhaustion and distress worked overtime on his brain and body. None of it really mattered when his vision pulled doubles and vertigo clocked in.

But his phone was in the other room, and his lungs were too tired to call out for 5K. If 5K could even help. From the state he appeared in earlier, the guy didn't seem very clean. If he was using again, the chance of him waking in the night were slim.

Kalrick's vision blurred, and the yellowed tile vaguely resembled a pattern he'd seen before. The burgundy and black tiles his body lay helpless on. It was as if he were watching his own body from an outsiders view, it lay so still as many hands paid visit. They undid his hair, running their fingers through it, touching, petting, decorating.

They prayed to his body as it remained out of reach from his will. It wasn't his body anymore, it was the presence. Their prayers grew louder and louder, his body convulsed with the presence filling inside him, puppeting his movements. He struggled against his own skin, but the being continued to force itself inside. He couldn't think, only panic.

His arms frantically threw punches in the air, kicking on the tiles while praying hands corrected his movements, pining him flat. His hair surrounded his face, hot breath unable to intake enough oxygen. They wouldn't stop touching him, his arms, his hair. His hair that suffocated his neck and face.

"Kalrick, look at me," A voice entered. "Just let me help you," A hand clutched his wrist and Kalrick pulled away, throwing himself against a corner.

"Don't touch me," His voice sobbed hoarsely. "Don't fucking touch me."

The hand reached again.

"I said don't FUCKING touch me!" He barked as uncontrollable tears poured out.

"What's wrong with him?" A distant figure hushed.

"I think he needs a doctor. We need medical help."

Imagery of the paramedics restraining him rushed to mind, the people of the church praying and chanting filling his ears.

"On three." The voice plotted. "One, two, three-"

Two pairs of hands darted for his limbs, dragging him from the corner of the bathroom, thrashing and flailing. Not again he couldn't do this again. His knee connected with something hard, freeing his legs. He gave a swift kick to his captors, scrambling back into the safe corner against the tub.

"He's going to hurt himself if we keep trying, we need to call 911."

He wept into his knees, thinking of the people that would restrain him again, trap him in a hospital and hold him down. They'd take away his autonomy again, restrain him and hold his limbs from moving.

"No," Kalrick cried, "No, no, no."

The two familiar voices argued as his vision blurred, bouncing between the then and the now. His head buried in his arms and knees, phasing in and out. The visions of the burgundy tiles sunk though even further, and down his memory dragged into the void.

"I don't feel real," His voice said. It was light and unbroken, untouched by adulthood. A child's again. "It's like my body does things I don't want to do and I don't like. And I can't remember things."

"And is there anyone in your life right now, that makes you feel out of control?"

"Sometimes on Sundays," his words shook, almost cracking. "I feel weird when I'm with-"

The memory cut, he reached out for it. His arm reached out and pressed its palm on the reflection.

"Are you in there?" His 12-year-old body said, brown hair running past shoulder-length. "I'm in control." His small hands reached for a pair of scissors on the counter.

Upon the crisp snip, he jerked awake, landing back inside his body in the dirty apartment.

"Kalrick?" 5K tentatively asked.

Randal was there too, both of them sat by the bathroom doorway.

"What's going on?" He mumbled, piecing together the bits of conversation he remembered.

"I think we need to get you help," Randal gently posed.

"Don't take me to the hospital," Kalrick sniffed. "I don't want to be taken away."

"I told you," 5K said. "He doesn't want to go and we don't know how long they'd take him."

"But he needs help," Randal countered.

"Can I have a say of what happens to my body?" Kalrick asked.

They seemed encouraged by his gathering coherence.

"I can't go back to the hospital. But I'm not...well. I can't deny that I need help."

"Then what are we supposed to do?" Randal said.

"I think I need to go home to my mom's. But can you guys not tell her about the breakdown?."

"Absolutely." 5K nodded.

"Shouldn't she know? I don't think you're ok, man."

"I know," Kalrick bounced. "I know, I know I'm not ok. But her worrying isn't going to help anyone, especially me. And I need her to be cool because I need to ask her something that'll help me figure everything out."

"What are we supposed to tell her then?"

"I tried to spend the night, but I'm not ready. That's all there is to it."

5K nodded. "Sounds solid. I'd believe it."

But Randal's skeptical eyes and fidgeting hands confirmed he wasn't sold.

"We could even just tell her you got home late," 5K said. If she's still asleep when you get home, how she gonna know what time you got back?"

Kalrick nodded in agreement. "Solid point. Wait, what time is it?"

"It's like, 5:30. I woke up to pee and you were just. Like that. Couldn't fix you, so I call Randal."

Kalrick sighed, he'd been there all night and felt like he hadn't slept in days.

"If you guys want to help me, the best thing you can do is get a bag for my stuff and get me to my mom's with no worry."

But they all knew 'you guys', was really just Randal.

Randal obliged out of guilt and pressure, but Kalrick really needed this. He coudn't go back to the hospital, and if his mom knew about how bad he got, she herself might even send him back.

His friends helped him to his feet, and Kalrick couldn't help but notice 5K's slightly unstable posture. That was probably who he kicked, and was never so grateful for whatever damage had been done to his unbalanced body. Had 5K been stronger, and they might've dragged him out in his break-down.

5K filled what would have been a silent car ride with random banter. At least this time it wasn't himself sounding stupid, going off about embarrassing things Randal didn't care about. He tried to engage, but speaking just exhausted him to the edge, nodding along until they reached the dirt road.

He felt his voice formed words of thanks, his legs stumbled their way down the path, and slipped into the familiar farmhouse.

His faded body needed rest, but he denied its request. Instead closed the bathroom door, slipped his fingers around silver scissors, and severed away the weight of his white hair, freeing him from its control.

#KDA #KDA 17

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lilacastar · 3 months

Text

KDA 16: Paper trail

5K's hand slid off the edge of the peeling door and motioned them to follow. He stumbled a bit before continuing unsteady movements into the living room.

Kalrick entered and took crunchy steps on whatever had dried onto the carpet. He followed his friend's lead, stepping over empty cans, wrappers and paper. It didn't seem too unreasonable for the place to be this messy, considering what Kalrick probably put him through. Not to mention life was pretty difficult, who really had to time for upkeep when sometimes it was all anyone could do to self-medicate?

Randal nudged his side. "This place smells awful," He hushed. "Let's get this over with as fast as possible."

But it wasn't all that bad. It could use an open window, but most of it was probably just the garbage that needed to be taken out. It wasn't ideal, but Kalrick could easily see how bad it would get if no one was taking care of him at home. He probably wouldn't have the energy for cleaning on his own like 5K was.

5K rummaged through a basket full of magazines and newspapers aside the couch, so Kalrick took the opportunity to sneak the untouched coffee to the fridge. Nothing but water pitcher, soda and lunchables.

"Found it- IT" 5K shouted, and started to undo the rubber bands around a thick rolled magazine. His fingers struggled to grasp the band, pawing and pushing until it rolled.

"Yeah," His facial muscles twitched slightly when he tried to nod. For someone who supposedly wasn't on hard substances anymore, his body language was saying otherwise. Then again, he didn't really know what 5K looked like not on drugs.

"What's that," Kalrick nodded at the envelope he uncovered from the magazines.

"You stopped paying through the- the phone. Phone uh, the phone online."

"The online portal?"

"Yeah," he nodded. "You pay with cash and give it in the mail paper. Never cut me short, always on the first and rent is good for a while."

He extended the envelope and Kalrick accepted. He turned it over and looked at the sender.

"Heritage Baptist Church", He read out loud. "Is it always coming in these?"

"Yeah,"

He removed the neatly folded clip of bills and put it in 5Ks hands. "Here, I think I need to hang on to the envelope."

"It's your money, I promise your payment is good, you should at least keep your own money."

"Compensation for my mental episode."

"I feel really bad for taking it, I mean you've been gone for a while and I didn't know you were sick."

"Don't worry about it." There was no way the demonic didn't take advantage of 5K. With this behavior and far too trusting and forgiving nature, there would be no way he didn't go undamaged within 2 years.

"If you really want to be helpful," Kalrick diverted. "I need you to tell me about what I did or like, who I was with. I had a really bad episode, and don't remember shit."

5K looked reluctantly between Randal and him.

"What do you think, Randal?" 5K asked.

His name sounded strange coming out of 5K's mouth, and Kalrick hadn't thought about the two crossing paths. He almost forgot they knew each other, as if him and Randal didn't use to do everything together. He used to have him over all the time.

"I think," Randal fiddled with his hands, probably not wanting to place them anywhere unsanitary. "I think that Kalrick could really use some closure. And if finding what he was doing the past 2 years helps, then we should help him."

"Will you help me?" Kalrick joined.

"Yeah," 5K nodded. "Everyone need help sometimes."

"Then I need you to tell me what you know about me. The recent 2 years me."

"You were mostly gone, honestly. When you stopped hanging out with me, you kinda dropped off in general. I only ever saw you on rent day, or randomly in and out at night. I also have memory gaps, so I can't really remember when it all started. But you always have those church letters, and sometimes that girl."

"A girl?"

"Yeah. The one with the tatts and bleached hair. Ya'll fuck around and then she leave."

Randal immediately gave Kalrick a look. As if it was his fault for what he did while possessed?

"What." 5K paused, sensing the tension between the two.

"I'm gay." Kalrick stated, pins and needles making their way back into his skull.

"Then why did you..."

"Different person using my body. Same body, just not me for 2 years."

"Well that's... Awkward."

"Let's move on!" Randal smiled uncomfortably. "How about we get some of your stuff back?"

The door to Kalrick's bedroom opened smooth and soundlessly. The inside did not match the rest of the apartment, no. Instead it was clean with minimal signs of use. Dust collected on the desk with mail, papers and books. The bed uniform and made, the nightstand held small clutter including his phone.

"My phone!" He grabbed the device and left a perfectly sized rectangle around the dusty surface. He pressed the homescreen with no reaction. Two, three more times but the screen did not wake. Dead. It shouldn't have been that surprising, since Randal said he never saw him use a phone. He settled for plugging in the device with the nearby charger.

Randal drew a line of dust on the desk and began flipping through papers.

"All I must've done here was sleep." Kalrick remarked. Everything else seemed mostly untouched.

"I mean, considering what 5K said, I don't think there was much sleeping going on."

"Dude are you fucking kidding me right now?"

He turned his face, pretending to be very interested in the unopened mail documents.

"How are you acting hurt when I'm the one who was having sex without my knowledge with people I'm not attracted to."

"I never said that,"

"But you're acting like it."

"Well maybe I can't help the way I feel."

"How are you jealous? We aren't even- Never mind."

"Aren't what? I can't be concerned for my friend?"

"You're so full of shit." He rolled his eyes. "But since all you are is concerned, you won't mind if I change out of mom house clothes and into my own shit."

"Go ahead."

Kalrick's pants dropped to the floor and stripped the shirt off as well. Randal turned out of politeness, but the mirror against the wall reflected his eyes stealing glances.

He slipped on his Grateful Dead shirt with some better fitting jeans, both of them sat in the drawer too long from the stale smell. Nothing a bit of use couldn't get rid of.

"What's your mom going to think when you come back in different clothes?" Randal asked.

"I don't want to go back to her home."

"I mean, I get you don't like her, but for real what are you going to say?"

"Nothing, she can get over it and I can do what I want. And I want to stay here."

"Are you sure that's a good idea? It was hard enough getting you here, do you honestly think you'll be alright on your own?"

"I'm not alone, I've got...5K."

Randal didn't have to say anything, his expression did all the work.

"It's one night, I'll be alright and I'm sick of being suffocated by my mom."

"Fine. But you call me if something happens."

"I'll do want I want."

Randal's eyes held onto him extra long, before releasing his quiet but calculated words. "You're a real asshole now, you know?"

"Yeah, I know." He mumbled.

"I'm not being funny," He chuckled. But Kalrick knew he was serious.

"I don't enjoy being like this either."

#KDA #KDA pt 16

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lilacastar · 6 months

Text

Lonely thoughts//missing

Alexia.

I thought of you today. I don't know why. Often times I think of you when I'm missing my friends, or thinking on what used to bring me comfort through college years of being miserable at home. I'm not at Bald Cypress or even the Gables anymore, nor am I in college, and I made another online friend.

You missed my graduation. You also missed my voice dropping on HRT. You missed me learning to love the way I look, and I never got to send you more photos of my new life. You missed my break up, and you missed me learning to love someone else and learning how to be loved.

But I still think of you. Every time I hear a Taylor Swift song I think of you. Every time I see poetry from a book, or Mary Oliver on my dash I'm thinking of you. When I remember the way I felt in college, it reminds me of you. Even my Mona Lisa socks make me think of you.

After the messages you sent, I deleted the collage I made for you. I regretted it a year later missing you. But if I had it I'd probably just feel awful all over again. I'm sorry the messages I sent were about how much everyone would miss you and the things that were dependent on you, instead of making it about you yourself. I was afraid.

But I still can't forgive what you sent.

I think about sending you a text sometimes in hopes that you ended up alright somehow. But if that were true, I think it'd be best to leave us apart. We wouldn't be able to go back to how things were.

I miss my friends and I miss you tonight.

Alexia.

#olive speaks

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lilacastar · 6 months

Text

KDA

Part 15: Good and Green

The two briskly collected themselves, Kalrick barley containing his blend of thoughts.

"Oh!" Randle hurried. "Don't forget your drink!"

He turned back and grabbed the cold cup, condensation already collecting on the outside.

"Thanks," Kalrick said, a fake smile covering his disappointment. "Can't believe I'd forget it."

As they went for the door, he envisioned throwing the drink. Getting it away from himself, feeling it spill over the lid and onto his fist from the grip. Releasing it, watching it soar with a satisfying splash against the glass door. The droplets painting the surrounding area, including his face.

He shook the imagery from his head, knowing he didn't actually want to do that. He wouldn't do that.

The 15-minute walk never felt so long, but with embarrassment, he couldn't even lead the way. It should have been so straight forward, but everything in his tangled head fell flat. They'd already made more than half the way from what he could guess, but then he was met with yet another obstacle.

He stopped at the edge of the street where Randle was ready to cross.

"What's wrong?" Randle asked.

"I-" He glanced around, suddenly becoming aware of how truly vulnerable they were.

It was all so open, anything could happen right then. They were in such an open environment, they wouldn't be able to defend themselves at all if someone were to hunt them.

"I don't know where I am." He finished.

Randle's dark eyes held onto him, evaluating, looking for something Kalrick was unsure of.

Kalrick glanced across the street, knowing without a doubt it wasn't something he could do. It was like he'd never done it before, it was just too much.

"It's alright," Randle gestured to follow. But his voice set different, almost strained. "I know the way for you."

He started to walk again, but Kalrick still found his legs unable to move, forgetting more than just the way.

"What," Randle said. "Do you need your hand held?" He playfully chuckled.

Kalrick said nothing. He stood alone.

"Oh..." Randle hushed.

He took his hand in Kalrick's smaller, lighter one. Randle wasn't even that much bigger in height, only a few inches. It was just in general mass. Then again, it wasn't hard to surpass Kalrick's small stature of 5 foot 5.

Randle took lead and tensed for a moment under Kalrick's clinging grip. He held so tight to mask the trembling, he didn't even realize when they arrived at the other side until Randle was finished helping steady out his breathing.

"In and out," His friend steadied.

Kalrick took the forced, shaky breaths, taking the time to calm down.

"Is this what you meant by needing help with normal things?"

Kalrick nodded, too embarrassed to say something just yet. Every day tasks were difficult now. Bathing took effort, eating was too many steps, and doing things independently- well. That currently wasn't a realistic option as much as he hated it. As much as he hated relying on his mother.

"Are you sure this is a good idea, going to your apartment?"

"Yes," He said firmly. "I need this."

Randle took a breath ready to say something, then didn't follow through. He instead removed his hand from Kalrick's shoulder and continued to lead, to where they soon were met with the small unit.

The duo stood at the door to his building and door. Randle said nothing, waiting for his small, strange friend to do something.

"You going to knock?" He prompted.

"What if he hates me?" Kalrick responded.

"Since when have you cared about that? I thought you didn't give a damn who hates you."

"I don't know. I don't really, but some of me does. We aren't even close I just-" He sighed, lowering his head. "I'm ashamed, I guess."

"Of what? You said you haven't even been conscious for two years."

"Exactly. I don't know how I treated him, or rather how the demonic treated him as me. I'm embarrassed of stuff I didn't even do or had no control over. I'm just so tired of not knowing anything."

"Isn't that what you're here for? To find something on what happened?"

He was right. And he couldn't move forward if he never faced 5K.

"Alright." He exhaled, and struck the door with a double knock-knock.

A moment passed with no response. He rocked back and forth on his toes, anxious and restless from lack of response, before knocking a second time. And after several more seconds of empty air, he pounded the door a third, vigorous time.

Finally, the thudding of footsteps approached them until the door opened.

5K groggily blinked back at them, wearing nothing but dirty, stained jeans and yellowed socks that had once been white. He stared for a bit, with the same tired expression.

"Is he ok?" Randle whispered.

"Oh, he's doing pretty good." Kalrick sighed in relief.

"Ayyyyye!" 5K opened his arms in delayed reaction. "Dude it's been so long I forgot you even lived here. Where the hell have you been?"

"Medical accident." He responded.

"Shit man, I'm sorry. Did you overdose?"

"No, that's your territory, but honestly might as well have with my memory gap."

"Hey I'm not on hard drugs anymore. Just the natural plant."

"For real? No more ecstasy? Coke?"

"Yeah, where have you been? I've been good for like a year now."

"The medical accident, it kinda wiped my memory. I like, straight up wasn't me for two years."

"Ah, so that kind of medical accident. Some sort of disassociation episode?"

"Um. Yeah, we can go with that." In fact, it made it incredibly easier to explain than demonic possession.

"Happens to us all," He nodded solemnly. "Time loss is a bitch, so I'm real sorry to hear that."

It really didn't happen to everyone, but the sentiment actually felt nicer than what anyone else said in the entire month. It wasn't blaming him for what happened, and it wasn't infantilizing, treating him as if he were to break any moment now.

"Thank you." he said.

"Actually," Randle proposed. "Kalrick was here to see if his important stuff was still here."

"He lives here, why wouldn't it be."

"It's been over a month," Kalrick sighed, looking to the ground. "I haven't paid rent and I don't have any money to make it up to you."

He glanced up, bracing for the impact of disappointment or anger from 5K. He'd feel even worse if the demonic took advantage of 5K's substance abuse and scammed him while under the influence.

"Psht, don't worry about it." He waved his hand as if no big deal. "You're good."

Kalrick shook his head, "No man, it is a big deal. You can't just get shorted-"

"Nah, man. I don't think you get it. You're good good."

"I'm not sure I follow what you're saying."

5k raised his eyebrows, and for the thousandth time Kalrick wondered what in hell he had done in the lost time.

"Allow me to show you."

#KDA #KDA pt 15

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lilacastar · 6 months

Text

KDA

Part 14: Missing

Randle excused himself from where they were sitting and collected their drinks.

Kalrick sat frozen, staring in the same vacant direction, mind blank. The sounds of the register and blender dismantled any form of concentration he might've had.

Randle's words stung fresh, but in a completely different way his mother's cut. If this were his mother, he'd walk out of the shop right then and there because he didn't care to hear anymore. He didn't care, and neither did she, despite how often she said she did. But Randle did care. Perhaps that's why it was so much worse.

Randle returned and attempted to rekindle the conversation, but the sparks fell cold.

Kalrick held the drink in his hands, the smell so good, pulling him to the memory of when everything was fine. He'd do anything to feel the way he felt back then. He started to bring the drink to his lips, when his arm halted half-way. He urged himself to move, but instead his arm remained stuck.

No.

His brain seemed to say.

He instead leaned forward to meet the cup in the middle. As his lips touched the edge, his insides tensed violently, all screaming no.

It would be bad, it's bad for him, it shouldn't be taken, no, no, no, bad.

But the eyes of his friend were there. Staring. Waiting. He pressed his lips against the cup again, but with no intention to ingest the beverage. And his body hesitantly allowed him to feign the action.

"How is it?" Randle asked.

Kalrick smiled, hoping he wouldn't notice how badly he was shaking.

"The best," He lied. "I've missed coffee a lot."

"It's really great to see you as yourself again."

"What do you mean?"

"Well. I don't really feel like I've reached that to be honest."

He'd never feel the same ever again. He knew without doubt, his old self would never be recovered. He imagined his old self looking forward at him now, wishing to be in his place. But even that felt like fiction. What even was his old self? There was information missing from that version of himself, and ruined information on his current identity. It was all disorganized, old and new.

"I don't think I'll be ok until I make that demonic pay."

Randle shifted uncomfortably.

"What?" Kalrick replied, probably too quickly. "I shouldn't exact justice for myself?"

"No, I think that's a normal reaction to have but-"

"But what, if I do harm then I'm no better than the one who did this to me?"

"No, you asshole, I was going to ask you how you expect to do that to something that's not even in this world anymore, or can't even remember. But I was going to say it a lot nicer."

"I'm sorry," He sighed. "my emotions have like no- yeah. I'm an asshole right now. It would be really great if I had my grimior, or I don't know. Literally anything that can help me find out what I was doing the past two years and the time leading up to it."

"You haven't checked your apartment?"

"Dude, I don't have a job and I doubt the demon worked one for me to pay rent. Even if it was paying my rent, I've basically fallen off the earth for like a month. If my roommate survived financially, I doubt he kept my stuff."

He glanced up after spilling his words, to see the slight hint of a smile on Randle's lips.

"What?"

"Sorry, I'm just still getting used to that you really don't know what happened for two years, or what you did."

"The fuck are you talking about?"

"Kal, you- or rather the demonic, worked for you."

"... What?"

"Yeah. You worked here for over a year, put a two weeks in about 5 months ago, and worked the rest of the notice. And as far as I'm aware, you were still rooming with 5K."

"A demonic with manners?"

"If it was polite enough to work your job and leave on good terms, it'd probably be worth it to check your apartment."

"Let's go see 5K."

#KDA pt 14 #KDA

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lilacastar · 7 months

Text

KDA

Part 13: Invite

"How about we re introduce ourselves over coffee, like old times but new. How about that?"

Kalrick nodded and couldn't help but laugh. He wanted to cry but instead laughed, unsure of how his body was responding once again.

"Yeah," He agreed. "I think that's good."

Kalrick led his friend back to the door where his shoes were, and put on his own.

"Really?" Randle remarked. "You're still wearing non-slip work shoes?"

"Could've worked better last night, man. But these are the ones I woke up with, these the ones I got."

"That's all it ever made you wear too."

"The demon?"

"yeah."

"One sec, I gotta tell my mom I'm leaving." He turned from Randle, facing towards the hallway where she was probably in her room.

"Mom!" He shouted, throat scratching from the sudden tone change. "I'm going out!"

"What?!" She called back and her footsteps already approached the living room. "Where?" She entered. "You haven't had lunch, and what about dinner later?"

"I said I'm going out, not leaving forever."

He shut the door behind him, hurrying Randle beside him.

"Why'd you do that?" Randle inquired in his typical soft spoken tone.

"Do what?"

"I don't know... Be like that?"

"I don't care what she thinks." He shrugged. And they left for town together.

The two stepped inside the familiar work building and got ready to wait in line.

"Do you know what you want?" Randle asked.

"I do- it's just..."

"Just what?"

"I can't remember some things." He looked down, face flushing from not knowing essential information.

"W- well what do you mean?"

"It's hard to explain exactly"

"You know what you want, but can't remember?"

Kalrick sighed. "Do you remember when I was over for Cinco de Mayo and a bunch of your relatives were over?"

"That happened more than once, Kal."

"I know, but one of the times, you had to ask your great grandma for the beans, but since she can't speak good English, naturaly everyone talks to her in Spanish. But you fluently posed your question until you got to the word 'frijoles' and finished the sentence with English beans?"

"I remember everyone laughed at me for forgetting how to say beans, yes."

"A lot of stuff for me now days is like that. I know it, it's there, it's just. It hasn't been used in a while."

"I think I understand. Is there any way you can describe what order you're thinking of?"

"It's brown."

"Most coffee is brown, Kalrick."

"Not just cause the beans," He shook his head, stumbling over words again. "It's sweet because it's brown."

"When you were possessed, you stopped drinking coffee altogether. Do you think it's what you liked before?"

"Yeah, I want what I used to get, the favorite thing."

"You liked an iced mocha latte. Anything chocolate really."

"That's it! That's what I want." His hands fidgeted, unable to contain the excitement. It'd been so long since doing the things he liked, so long from just enjoying a cup of coffee.

They sat, waiting for their order, making stiff, awkward conversation. Randle's words kept dancing around, but never landing on what his eyes were so focused on.

"You mentioned yesterday you wanted to ask about what happened," Kalrick pushed the conversation forward. "Is that what you're thinking about right now?"

"Yeah," He smiled. "Are you ok with that? Or is it still really hard."

He shrugged, "I'm fine." It felt way better than fine just to have a conversation with him again.

"Do you really remember nothing? Like, one day you were you, and the next you're in the hospital?"

He paused, thinking of how to make sense when not a whole lot of it did.

"No," He finally released. "It wasn't like that at all, actually."

"But you said you don't remember."

"Not really, no. But I wasn't completely out of existence. It was more like I was sleepwalking, there but not really. And nothing was clear. I..."

He held himself for a moment, trying not to shake. Why was this so hard when he was fine?

"I was there sometimes," He resumed. 'but not really. Sometimes I was there, but I wasn't the one making decisions or really understood what was going on. I sometimes saw places, but it's all blurry."

"Do you remember speaking to people, conversations?"

He shook his head. "No. I mostly just felt trapped and brain foggy. There wasn't much thinking at all. The time felt like my whole life, but also I can't remember what never happened."

"Then-" Randle froze, his expression a whirl of emotions.

"Then what?"

"I don't want to sound harsh."

"Just say it, I don't care about that, man."

"Then why'd you do it?"

...it?

"What do you mean?"

"You know what I mean, K. Why'd you, you know."

"I don't, actually."

"Why'd you let it in? Why'd you invite a demon in you?"

Kalrick was so utterly stunned, he stared back with his mouth open. He'd anticipated the ability to reply, but was left with the exact reaction Randle didn't want.

"I'm sorry," Randle responded. "I'm trying to ease into this again and not dive in exactly where things were left. I still need work."

"I didn't want any of this to happen to me," Kalrick felt himself say. His tongue moved slowly to form the words, confused and torn.

"I didn't mean it like that," He winced. "I should have waited longer to collect myself, I'm sorry."

"What did you mean?"

"Kal, you know how it works," He stumbled a bit through filler words and anxious loopholes.

Kalrick blankly stared back, dark eyes waiting for a reason.

Randle squirmed in his small spotlight, loathing the direct road he was being forced to take. Sweating under the sole attention.

"You know, with the demonic. And what they can't do."

"No," he gently shook his head.

He ran his hand through his hair with defeat. "Kalrick," He chuckled nervously. "The demonic can't possess anyone without consent. They can't have you, unless you give permission over yourself."

"I..." He froze. He knew that, anyone with mild knowledge on the subject. How had he not considered that?

The barista behind the counter called for their Oder.

"I- I don't remember."

#KDA pt 13

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lilacastar · 8 months

Text

Thinking of you

Can't stop thinking of you

It sounds romantic

But I promise it's sick

Sick of lying in bed

Pinned here like a kid

But I'm stuck looking up

Instead of suffocating face down

He liked seeing It in the bathroom

Pinning It on the couch

Holding It down to the floor

Stop It from breathing

He liked making It play for mercy

But mercy don't set It free

When embrace is what he gets off on

He called it love

If It questioned affection

'That's how he loves you'

She always defended

Ungrateful, It was called

But if this is love

It wants to be loathed

It wants to make love to sin

If this touch was righteous

If Its responsible genes

Were to die without rising again

It would be an apology letter

From god.

#free verse #olive speaks #more like insomnia speaks

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lilacastar · 8 months

Text

Masterpost for my stuff

✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧

BTW I do not edit anything. It's all a oneshot, freeballing as I go cause this shit singularly for me. I just like having a place to dump my writing. But it explains why some things aren't as cohesive as they could be.

The Elementary Cycle

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 x [complete]

✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧

Kalrick's Demonic Aftermath

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 [ongoing]

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lilacastar · 8 months

Text

KDA

Part 12: Reconcile

The scent of burning herbs and flowers Kalrick had taken from the garden filled the room with smoke. He coughed, and his eyes stung from a cloud wafting in his face. Clearly his body hadn't done a smoke cleansing in a while, or anything to do with smoke really. This normally wouldn't have bothered his lungs.

"Kalrick Foster, what the hell are you doing?!" His mom screeched from the hallway. "It smells awful!"

The door burst open, and her eyes focused on the flaming bundle of herbs he was circling the room clockwise with.

"You're going to burn the house down! Where did you get those?"

"Made do with the dried bay in the kitchen."

"You put that out now!" She lunged forward.

He pulled it away, raising it up in the air, but they were both nearly the same height. He scrambled away, continuing the clockwise motion, while she continued to follow. Her pace picked up, so in return so did his. His fast walk turned into a run, which turned into a chase between the two.

The bundle burned down to where his fist held tight, heating his hands. He almost caught himself wishing he'd taken the time to find a jar to carry it in, but it was her fault for stupidly chasing him about. His determination held fast and he refused to drop it on his own account, while mom scrambled around in circles after him.

It was almost down to the last bit, when the chime of the doorbell saved him.

"My clothes are in the washer," He said smugly. "I can't get the door in my underwear."

She huffed and said her choice words before leaving his room for the door. He finished up the cleanse at a leisurely pace, free from her chase. He needed to clean the room, but he was once again without his grimoir to find the spell for dream protection.

Putting into words what he saw last night was something outside his ability. The impression it left on his waking self kissed his skin with sweat and jumpstarted his heart in all the wrong directions. There were no words to how it felt. Most of what he recalled had already faded back to his subconscious, but the feelings all remained. The feelings ruined his reflexes and security of his waking state.

"K!" Mom's voice called through the hall. "Your work friend is here!"

Work friend?

Work friend.

Randle.

She refused to see Randle as anything other than a buddy he made at work, despite how they'd become far more than just work friends. Randle loved strange things just as he did. Randle would show up with books or ideas he thought Kalrick would like all the time. Randle would come along to his mom's dinners to make them more bearable. Randle could make anything more bearable just by showing up.

Randle... shit, he was here right now and his clothes were still in the wash. What was he doing back so fast? Hadn't he said he needed time?

Whatever. He darted through the hall and into the closet the laundry was kept. He stiffly pried apart the strange smelling clothes that had settled themselves together over the night. The elastic in his old gym shorts still held some dampness, but it paled in comparison to the odd folds and wrinkles in his shirt. The material remained ridged on his shoulders, as if to mirror his anxiety.

He shuffled into the living room to find Randle by the door. His shirt smoothly conformed against his strong figure, opposite to how Kalrick's loose clothes folded over his thin form.

"Oh," His mom started again. "Your hair is a mess."

She reached forward and his body flinched, recoiling the moment her hand passed through the colorless mess.

"Don't touch my hair" He shivered.

"Oh, K, but I love your hair, I miss playing with it when you had it this long as a child."

"Well, I'm not a child. And I don't want anyone touching my hair."

Randle shifted uncomfortably by the door, reminding him that he was watching them bicker.

"Can we not do this in front of my friend?"

"Why can't you invite your pretty friend over? It's been so long."

"I don't know who you're talking about, because it wasn't me."

He gripped Randle's hand and pulled him further inside.

"C'mon." Kalrick grumbled. "Let's go to my room"

Randle fumbled behind as Kalrick hastily led him to his bedroom before mom could embarrass him even further. His thoughts ran hot and cold, mixing like oil and water. Everything his mom had to say, was irritating and had Randle not been there, it easily would have turned into another shouting match. His head floated with the strange sensation of about to explode with rage, and having ice poured down his shirt.

He closed his bedroom door behind them, and exhaled an unsteady breath. He then knelt in front of the vanity and began to pull messy strands of hair straight and neat into a familiar pattern. His hands shook with what he was unsure of anger or something more vulnerable.

"Kalrick?" The soft voice behind him eased.

"Hm," He mumbled, allowing his emotions to run their course.

"You're not acting like the you I remember."

"Alright." He did his best to maintain a neutral tone, but a strange ache pulled inside.

"But you really are you, aren't you? This is so unmistakably Kalrick. Even though I've never seen this side of him."

Kalrick held together tight the last segment of braidable hair with his left hand and tied it off with the right. He sighed, turning to face his friend when his heart fell.

Something about his composure caused his own breath to catch with a sting. The bridge of Randle's nose and the corners of his eyes were flush, the way it always got when he cried. But his face was dry. Forward, directly to him open and unashamed. Not shy, the way he was familiar with. His eyes locked, so focused on Kalrick's movements as if he'd never see him again.

"Are you alright?" Kalrick asked.

"Am I alright," He chuckled in repeat. "You're so different, man."

"So are you."

"I am?"

Kalrick nodded.

"I don't feel any different."

"Am I too different? Is that what you came over to tell me?"

His eyes broke contact, turning to the old carpet. "No."

"I thought you didn't want to see me for a while, and that's fine, I just-"

"That's not it," He shook his head.

"I know you need time,"

"Kalrick, I want to see you." He said firmly.

"Huh?"

"I do want to see you, but I stand by what I said yesterday. I can't change how it feels, how I feel, immediately. It's just really hard, and it's going to take time."

"I can take time." He'd always have the time for Randle.

"Do you want to try again?"

"I'll take as much time as you-"

Randle chuckled softly, not hiding his amusement the way he used to. "I mean with our friendship. Since we're both so different now, maybe we can start again. Is that alright? I want to try and know you again."

"Oh, yes, yeah." He fumbled over his words, unlike how composed Randle was being. But he'd take it over not speaking to him. "Different. I'd like that with you."

It probably would never be the same. But different was alright. It was going to be alright.

#KDA #KDA pt 12 #my boy a simp

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lilacastar · 9 months

Text

KDA

Part 11: First Step

Kalrick couldn't remember falling asleep. He rubbed his eyes, blurry and groggy. His vision adjusted in the damp sky that had just started to lighten in hue.

He pushed himself into a sit, which all the more disoriented him of how and what he was doing outside. Outside in the middle of the driveway gateway. Was what had happened a dream? Did he dream falling off the roof and even climbing up there? If he were here at the gate, did he even complete his ritual? Maybe he passed out, but it had felt so real. His bones ached, stiff from sleeping in the dirt road for what was probably hours.

Whether it was out of compulsion, or just to be safe and sooth his anxiety, he completed the ritual once again. At this point he couldn't tell, not that it mattered. What mattered was doing it, and the sense of calmness that poured into his body afterward. The gentle euphoria that trickled down his spine, and lightly rinsed his skin. He took the last step, finishing his need and a little bit of exhaustion from the night faded.

Now what he needed was to slip inside the house without waking his mom. He really didn't need her flipping out, she'd never leave him alone for days without nagging, hovering, and clinging. But as he made his way to the front door, curiosity etched into his frontal thought, unable to be pushed away. He made his way round to the back, and there it was. The ladder remained against the siding where he left it.

How. On Earth, did he get from falling off the roof to the driveway? If only he had his books... He needed all his thoughts and resources down in front of him. Especially now, putting together any sort of linear thought process was proving damn near impossible. Without his grimoire he couldn't even remember all his charms or spells to feel protected. And if he had any of his books maybe he could piece together some information on the demon who possessed him.

Whatever possessed him had to be serving one of the 72 demons of Ars Goetia. It had to have got the power from somewhere, demons like that wouldn't be powerful enough on their own. They'd need a deity to serve to do what it did to him. But as of now he was stranded without resources.

As of now, he would have to put up with having no answers. He put away the ladder, and did his best to quietly slip inside. Collapsing onto the bare mattress, a thought occurred to him. He wasn't completely without answers. Assuming what happened last night wasn't a dream, the shape he saw was something he could go off. In fact, it was all over his body. It was the exact shape tattooed into his skin 5 times.

Once again, he was without the proper resources to find out who's sigil it belonged to, but he at least now had something to go on. And that was better than where he started.

If Randle ever was ok with being friends again, he'd have so much to discuss and discover together. Randle was so good at piecing together connections, he could help him see his experiences to which deities. Like which demon was connected with his strange urge to walk the sigil, the weird sensations around doing it, and the illusions.

The first time he saw his reflection after the hospital, he thought it was his brain from the stress and trauma. But every time now, he saw his body altered in the mirror the same way every time. It wasn't real, he knew it wasn't because he could neither feel it with his two hands, nor did anyone else have a thing to say about it. But every single time, his reflection depicted small horns from beneath his ears.

He felt the sides of his head once more to be sure. And just as the countless times before, it was flat and human. With a little bit of himself at ease, his limbs grew too tired to move. He let his hand remained tangled in his smothering fall of hair, as his consciousness slipped away into familiar dormancy.

Blurry.

Not fully gone. But definitely not awake. His mind leaned its head against the window of his body and watched the rain drip down the glass. Calm and lazy, never present. Familiar places and people passed by as they spoke at him. Their words muffled and incoherent. He nodded, just a bystander of his shell.

He watched his feet take one step in front of the other. They thudded and pounded against tiles, resounding a sound that rang on loop in his mind. Burgundy tiles against black. Hands placed on his arms, shoulders, back, and combed through his hair. Voices singing in unison.

Praise him,

oh praise him.

For he is exalted. For he is our king. For he will ascend.

The pleasure and strength bubbled up inside, filled to the brim, and his cup overflowed.

#KDA pt 11 #KDA

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lilacastar · 9 months

Text

KDA

Part 10: Apology

Hot from the brutal sun, Kalrick was ready to go inside after completing the walk. It didn't seem to make too much of a difference that he was without the stick, so perhaps the pattern itself was more significant.

The screech of the screen door loudly announced his presence entering, but he found his mom sitting at the kitchen table, pretending not to notice. He approached her left side, and she continued to cold shoulder him as if he weren't there.

"I'm sorry, mom." He started, not even bothering to hide how half-hearted his tone was. "I lost my temper and yelled at you, and said stuff I didn't mean again."

She nodded, but said nothing in return.

He sighed.

"Dear heavenly father, I am sorry for flipping you off and saying you aren't real." He rolled his eyes, since she clearly wasn't looking his direction. "You mean a lot to my mom, so I am sorry, Jesus."

She turned into his side, giving him a tight hug. "Oh, thank you, Riki."

He couldn't even bother correcting her this time, just as long as she accepted his poor excuse for an apology.

"I knew you'd come around" Her voice muffled between his clothes. "It's just so hard to stay mad at you in this cute shirt. But you really shouldn't be wearing it outside, it'll get dirty."

"Ok."

"And you can't speak like that to Jesus again!"

"Ok."

"Next time I drive to town I'll take you, but NO demon books, it's what got you sick in the first place."

"Ok."

She finally pulled away, letting Kalrick free of her clutches.

"Oh, your socks are filthy," She fluttered, and pressed down the wrinkles in his embarrassing shirt that made him look like a boy scout. "Please take a shower and I'll do the laundry for you."

"Bu-"

"I'll do your sheets too, while I'm in your room."

"Actually, I-"

"It's ok, I know it won't all fit in one load, I'll do two and don't you worry about any of it.

"Ok," He sighed. And gave up just to make her shut up.

If it wasn't for how badly he needed somewhere to sleep, let alone how dysfunctional he was without assistance, he'd be outright telling her to fuck off and leave him alone. She didn't deserve an apology, he wasn't a single bit sorry and if anyone deserved an apology it was himself. After all he'd been through, it was other people who should be sorry and just leave him alone.

Instead, he submitted and took a shower as mom ordered. The evening came and went, dinner prepared and finished. It came to no surprise to him, by the time the day came to a close, that mom forgot to follow through. He was met with a bare mattress and soggy, damp sheets still sitting in the wash.

Frustrated, tired, and filled with familiar disappointment, he left for the ritual to prevent a meltdown. He sighed, standing in the muggy, yet breezy evening, then began. For a second time he completed the ritual without his walking stick, which further begged the question: why was it so important to walk that specific pattern?

Carefully and quietly, he snuck to the other side of the house where mom's garden resided, and found the ladder. He heaved it under his arms, doing his best not to drag it and wake his mother. But propping it against his room's side of the house still didn't reach the roof. He'd have to trust his balance, for his short stature was certainly not helping right then. And neither was the wind shaking the ladder.

But he managed, raised on tip toes and some struggling, to worm his way onto the roof without falling. He then stood tall, proud his small body made the feat, and looked out through the property. The sky looked familiar from up here. He wanted to scoff at the thought. Of course the sky looked familiar, it's always been there. But the stars reflected light down onto his skin, as if it were a hug from missing him.

"Welcome home" As if the stars could speak. Because they hadn't seen him, in a very long time.

Squinting, he tried to make out the part near the gate, but it was so far away and the moon just wasn't bright enough. It was difficult to tell in the dark, but he was certain it was the shape he was suspecting. It looped, boxed, and came back round inside the single circle. He leaned closer, having to be positive. A fresh breeze gushed around his light form, almost shoving him forward. He wobbled back and forth, flailing his arms to catch balance but his stomach swirled, looking down to the earth.

The edge of his black shoe slipped over the roofing and his body dropped faster than the anxiety in his throat could follow. Quicker than seconds could count, Kalrick fell off the house and into the summer night.

#KDA #KDA pt 10

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lilacastar · 10 months

Text

KDA

Part 9: Understand

"I'm going to be very forward with you," Randle said, but his voice was as gentle as always.

The two sat in his car, Kalrick in the passengers, taking full advantage of the AC.

He'd given Randle the quick version of what happened, but it felt a lot worse coming out than expected. As he spoke, it felt like someone else entirely did it for him, while his mind sat in the backseat. His feelings flattened into something 2-dimensional and the anger he'd felt so strongly, slipped through his fingers on hold.

"I'm taking you back because I would feel bad about leaving you on the side of a building with no shoes, no money, and no way home."

Kalrick nodded, too guilty and hollow to say anything more.

"But I'm not going to be driving this far for you every time you call."

He looked down at his dirty socks. Call with what? He didn't have anything to call with. And he was so different. The same Randle, but he'd changed. The friend he knew 2 years ago would never have been able to be this directly confrontational. He was much too shy.

"I wish I wasn't this far out," Kalrick said softly.

His expression became stiff, the corner of his lip pursed.

"Oh..." Kalrick continued. His mouth had never felt so dry. "I see."

"Do you?"

He nodded. "You- uh. Don't want to see me right now. And I understand that."

"I want-" He stopped abruptly, as if interrupted then sighed. "It's a lot more complicated than that. I want to meet up again and talk about what happened, but I need some time to think about all this."

"I'm here now, I can talk now."

"I need some time, man. And Kalrick," He breathed out a laugh while saying his next words. "Kalrick, you really hurt me."

"I'm sorry." pins and needles tingled in his face, rendering his expression blank. "I promise it wasn't me."

He shook his head. "I know, I know. I know that now, but you need to understand all that can't just go away. You meant a lot to me, K. Our friendship meant more than you think. When it first happened, I knew something was wrong, and I tried so hard to help you. Do you remember anything at all? Do you know what you said?"

He shook his head.

"I did so much to try and help you, because of how obvious you weren't acting yourself. I made it obvious that I wasn't giving up on helping you, but whatever thing had control of you, knew things about you. About me."

"What kind of things?" Kalrick asked so faint he was worried Randle wouldn't fully hear him.

"Very personal things. I think it had your memory when it needed to. You said some things, that really hurt, and it pretty much ended our friendship of 5 years."

"I... I'm sorry. I don't re-"

"I know. I know it wasn't you. But for 2 years I thought it was. And I can't change how I felt, how what I thought was you, treated me in a day."

Kalrick stared vacantly in front of him. He should have been overjoyed that his friend was even speaking to him, driving him, and not even angry with him. But this was so much worse than anger.

"Does that make sense, Kalrick?"

"Yeah." He said hoarsely.

They rode in silence for several minutes before Randle fumbled with the radio, turning up a pop station. Randle didn't like pop 2 years ago.

"Good to know they're still playing the same 20 songs they were 2 years ago." Kalrick forced a chuckle, attempting to lighten the air.

His friend didn't laugh, only nodded in a mumble of agreement.

"Cause like. It always feels like they play the same stuff over and over and don't update what they play for years. But it's actually true, since I haven't been mentally here for that amount of time. So it's kind of like a time warp, but it's not just feelings, it's factual-"

"I think I get it,"

"And like, as a kid it felt like they played a bunch of different stuff, so what's up with that? Is it just nostalgia, or did they actually play different stuff? And the channel says '80s, 90s, and now' but what about the last 2 decades? Now no longer counts as 00s and 10s, so I guess they really don't-"

"Kalrick, I get it." He said more firmly.

He wished he had duck-taped his own mouth shut. He felt himself going on and on, but just couldn't shut up. So out of control, like the demon still had control over his tongue, but it was all his thoughts.

For several minutes, the road became bumpy, then Randle slowed to a park at the edge of the rural driveway. Now he found himself unable to look away from his driver. His brown skin almost looked golden in the sunlight, and after not being able to shut the fuck up, suddenly he couldn't think of how to say goodbye.

"I'll see you again, Kalrick." He said wearily. "I'll let you know when we can talk more about what happened."

"How"

"How?" He repeated.

"I don't have a phone."

"Oh, right." The predicament visibly showed on his face. "I don't think I saw you use a phone once the past 2 years."

"My screen time is going to look so good, I'll destroy babies at Olive Garden."

He suddenly covered his face with his elbow and sneezed, and Kalrick blessed him.

"Anyway," Randle continued. "Just use your mom's messenger. I see her playing Candy Crush like all the time."

"Please don't accidentally send her booty pics of your hole, then."

He stared into Kalrick's eyes, expressionless.

"Sorry, that was way funnier in my head."

"Just don't teleport into my work again, ok?"

"Got it."

He closed the door behind him, and walked as slow as possible, wishing he could stop saying the wrong things. And once he was sure Randle was gone and out of view, he walked back to the gate to do his ritual. He'd done enough of looking like an idiot, he didn't need him to see how insane he was as well.

Like the insane, idiot he was, he began the pattern without his walking stick. It'd have to do for now, he needed the peace the ritual gave him in order to do what came next. Apologizing to mom.

#KDA #KDA pt 9

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