#reference to aphobia | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

aromantic-pantyanarchy · 4 months

Text

It's me. I'm the cis, heterosexual, aromantic man. I will never marry, I will never be married, I will grow into middle age and elder age and I will die unmarried. I will be forced to support a household of myself on only my wages alone for the rest of my life. I will be asked about women and marriage and children by my family for the rest of my life (or men, the progressive ones might say). I may not ever come out to them. I feel like I burned my coming out on something stupid. I don't want to explain it. I don't want to run them through the definitions and intricacies. I don't want the acceptance without understanding, placating me with ceased questions and poor explanations to other, drunk adults.

I like my hair to be long, I spent a year with it dyed a golden blonde with dark roots because I like the trashy party girl aesthetic. I want to dye it again with pink tips. I like painting my nails, black and blue are my favorite colors. I like wearing chokers. I also like wearing baggy jeans and ratty hoodies. I like having stubble. I like having chest hair. I like having a square jaw and broad shoulders. I wish I had a flatter stomach and a thinner profile frame. I don't know what this makes me, perhaps this is something no more GNC than Machine Gun Kelly. I think about this a lot, how queer my appearance truly is. I should think about it less. I have thought long and hard about if I could be trans or if I could be non-binary or if I could be genderqueer and the conclusion I ultimately came to is that I most enjoy being a man open to whatever self-expression I want.

I don't date, but I've thought about it. I would like to meet people, and I would like to have sex with them. But I don't want to hurt them. I fear if I explain what I am beforehand it'll scare them away. I fear if I explain after they'll feel manipulated or abused. I don't know how many people in the dating scene want what I want. I fear my own lack of experience will make me a bad lay, an embarrassing story to tell to confidants in hindsight. I fear my own virginity, a boundary to those I wish to be like. All of these fears are baseless, as I've not been able to even begin a single relationship in my life. Despite this I still heavily identify with terms like "slut" and "manwhore" and "thot" because my interests lay so deeply within casual sex, sex without great intimacy or emotion. This may be some form of stolen valor. I hope the true sluts are not too mad at me.

I made this blog several years ago because a mutual of mine reblogged memes making fun of aro and ace people, making fun of the concept of aphobia, and in addition well known aphobes. I didn't feel comfortable talking about aro stuff on my main blog, for as little as I talk about it. Living through the ace discourse of the 2016 era has largely caused me to cringe in embarrassment any time I am forced to discuss my orientation with people who aren't aro or ace themselves. I no longer follow this person. I unfollowed many people I was mutuals with from that time, most of them because they posted too often about how much they hated men and I didn't want to see that, some because our interests simply drifted too far apart, only one for explicit aphobia reasons. (Also one because they became a "both sides are bad, any vote is wasted" libertarian, but that's unrelated.)

I guess at this point I don't care deeply about what strangers on the internet think of me. If a trusted friend told me that they don't think I'm truly queer that may hurt. But I am going to continue to use the word for myself. I take up no resources. I go to events that are open to me. If an event was not open to me, I think I'd not want to go anyways. I am not a hypothetical, I am not a strawman, I am a person with lived experiences both within and exterior to the queer community. If you hate me, I will permit you to continue to do so. But ultimately, I am who I am, I cannot change these facts, and I would not choose to do so even if I could.

#aromantic #aro #aro positivity #reference to aphobia

5K notes · View notes

muchmossymess · 2 months

Text

Why is everyone here so obsessed with sex and romance why can't you appreciate the comedic genius of "rivals who fight about parenting to rile the other up to begrudging coparents who bicker like a divorced couple to actually maybe tolerating the other and the insults are now less spiteful and biting to hells first qpr (queerplatonic rivalry) to hells first qpr (queerplatonic relationship)"

#like. gah. there is so so so many interesting ways to take this dynamic and you chose kiss and fuck #i can excuse the aphobia but i draw the line at ooc dynamics (ITS A JOKE A REFERENCE A JOKE I DONT EXCUSE APHOBIA)#sigh #i can excuse all the smut to a point but like. you took the (ONLY) canonically sex repulsed character and made him fuck the dilf #and you didnt even make it an exploration of sexuality with the realisation sex isnt necessary for a relationship #or that its ok to actually hate sex #(when it involves yourself. so long as its safe sane and consensual its not really your business)#ughbkembaalgk ive lost my train of thought i think its late but yeah im just a lil pissy about the casual aphobia #dont even get me started on the blatant stuff ffs #radiostar #radioapple #appleradio #alastor #hazbin hotel #hazbin alastor #moss' madness

211 notes · View notes

cl0ckworkqueerness · 4 months

Text

[trigger warning: mention of sexual assault]

the specific breed of queer queerphobia is just as if not more frightening than non-queer queerphobia, specifically in this case as it relates to acespec/arospec people (terms which will hence be combined into "aspec" for the sake of clarity, see the tags for a quick note about this)

if it's not already clear from my posts, i am very supportive of the silenced, erased, and shunned parts of the queer community. i involve myself a great deal in breaking down the walls that queer people have decided to erect in order to determine who does and doesn't get to call themselves "queer". nothing breaks my heart more than seeing other people who experience the world in a way starkly different from perisex, allosexual, alloromantic, cisgender, heterosexual people, get shunned from a family who also experiences the world in such a difference way, simply because it's not different "enough", or not different in the way they want to be different

aspec people will always unquestionably be queer, regardless of anything else that would or wouldn't make them queer. period.

aspec people should not and should never need to "justify" themselves to attend pride, not just "as an ally", but as someone whose relationship with romance and sex (the act) differs from what is expected of a "normal" person. they are inherently different, they are inherently queer. full stop.

aphobia exists, regardless of whether or not you follow your blatant bigotry with "no it doesn't". you cannot erase your shittiness by following up your shittiness with "by the way, I'm not being shitty". and if you know you are being aphobic, and you are proud of such a thing, rethink the way you see queerness as a whole. you are a vile human being, and should unlearn the oppression olympics. you not only are an athlete in it, but you are the obstacles. you are the fucking problem.

aspec people regularly face discrimination and harassment for being aspec. the comments of "why do you refuse to give me grandkids" and "maybe you just haven't found the right person yet" and "you're broken" and "you're going through a phase" have all been said about gay people, about lesbians, and about aspec people. aspec people face violence for being aspec. aspec people face corrective rape for being aspec. aspec people face crocodile tears claws that intend to "help", aspec people face blood and claws that intend to hurt, aspec people face real, visible hatred. and even if they weren't "oppressed enough", WHICH THEY UNDENIABLY ARE, 1) there isn't an oppression goal someone needs to hit to become valid, and 2) queer people should not be defined by the oppression we face, anyway.

"b-b-but what about cishet asexual people!!!" i have never seen a sentence less scary in my life. cishet people can be queer, you know? cishet people can be intersex (if they choose to identify as queer), cis people can be asexual and aromantic, pericishet people can in fact be demisexual and heteroromantic, and guess what? they're still queer. they still differ from what's "normal". they're still allowed to pride, because pride is not meant to gatekeep.

pride is meant to celebrate our differences, to fight against those who try to suppress us, and to unite those who feel crushed by the heel of normality.

so don't fucking do their job for them.

98 notes · View notes

styrofauxm · 2 months

Text

The discourse right now around shipping Alastor is weird. It's so weird. And I don't really want to wade into it. But what the hell.

I have seen multiple posts implying, if not outright stating, that aspec people who feel romantic/sexual attraction are less important to represent on screen.

I even saw a post where someone said the "real" aroace experience is not feeling any sexual or romantic attraction.

That's exclusionism. That's aphobia. That's rhetoric that hurts the aspec community.

Aspec people creating fan art of an aspec character with a different reading than what you personally have is not "problematic" and certainly isn't "erasure". Get over yourselves and start supporting fellow aspec people. Not tearing them down.

Also very important addition: this post is ONLY about the kinds of posts mentioned in the 2nd and 3rd paragraphs

#hazbin hotel #aspec #asexual #aromantic #there is certainly a lot of aphobia in fandom in general #and especially in the hazbin hotel fandom #but it doesn't help anyone to put down fellow aspec people #i say all this as a sex and romance averse aroace person #who doesn't like any ships where alastor reciprocates #neon's void #also for the record i saw the posts I'm referring to scrolling through the main tag #by accounts i don't follow and have since blocked #but some of them had 100+ notes

17 notes · View notes

lovequeerindigo · 6 months

Text

i haven’t been on aro reddit for a while so my bad if this has already been mentioned but PSA to any aros that use it, the r/actuallyaromantic subreddit is ran by an exclusionist so… steer clear of that one.

#just went through it now and it was so weird lol #not only does the person who mainly posts to it not consider aros that aren’t additionally queer in some way to be lgbtq+#but they also refer to arospecs as ‘alloromantic’???#like they consider demiromantics an greyromantics allo #and kept using terms like ‘full on aromantic’#literally such a baffling take I hadn’t even considered it before lmfao #aphobia tw #aphobia #my post #aro reddit

10 notes · View notes

organchordsandlightning · 2 years

Text

pour out one for me lads, I just saw another ‘if you don’t make a character with an active sex life then you’re infantilizing them’ post

#easy block button #(it was in reference to Martin Blackwood and had a new addition on it that was like 'and even if you make Martin ACE that means he can stil #have SEX so why do people make him sexless'#bro. b r o. bro. bro bro #please tell me we're moving past the 'sex does not make you more mature' talk on god #aphobia

12 notes · View notes

nameforthemain · 7 months

Text

long rant in the tags lol beware

(also if you do click on, tw for very brief suicidal thoughts, sorry)

#don't really know where to put this #but i wish my brain could just pick a side and spare me the lose-lose scenario that i can't explain to anyone #if i tell my friends I feel uncomfortable hearing about their crushes/sex lives and they respect that and don't talk about that to me??#that should be great!! i am incredibly happy when people are considerate of my boundaries like that and that should be the end of it #but my goddamn brain has to make me feel horrible about that too.#i feel isolated if they talk about it in front of me. i feel excluded if the rest of them talk about it in a place without me #which?? I'd WANT them to talk about it with each other?? and be considerate and not involve me?? so why can i not be okay with it #idk if it's internalised aphobia and wishing i wasn't like this #or bc my school friends used to scoff when i didn't understand their risqué jokes until i just pretended i was in on the inside jokes #but i just want to be okay with things #feeling an immense dread and wish for death does not seem like a normal or healthy reaction to not getting an inside joke/reference #um also if any mutuals are still reading a) I'm sorry that was a lot to read 😬 b) please just bear with me and keep doing your thing #the issue with putting it on my main is i want people to know but i don't want them to try to change how they talk around me #i just want to change my brain and stop this being so severe an issue #vent kinda thing #peppa talks

1 note · View note

that-disabled-princess · 7 months

Text

I love calling out aphobia. Genuinely. We don't call out aphobia enough, passive or explicit.

Examples of passive aphobia and amato/allonormativity, for anyone wondering:

Implying someone needs a partner or that everyone wants a partner.

Saying "something more" and "more than friends" in reference to getting together. Boy oh boy, do I see this all the time in fanfic. (Other things you can say are "something else", "something different", "other than friends", "in addition to". This way, we're not unintentionally enforcing relationship hierarchies.)

Saying/Implying someone hasn't met the right person yet.

Implying all aros are heartless/don't love (this diminishes platonic attraction/relationships).

Implying all aros feel love (this excludes loveless and aplatonic aros).

Saying aroallos are all sluts.

Implying sex is a milestone people reach.

Implying a first kiss is a milestone to reach.

Enforcing relationships hierarchies, intentionally or otherwise. (This looks like the example above, as well as pitting different types of relationships against each other or saying a certain type of relationship is more important than another.) (Yes, this goes for saying platonic relationships are more important than romantic ones. That excludes aplatonics.)

The only aspec rep in media being the villains/non-human characters/etc. (Disclaimer: Us reclaiming those things is different. I personally love seeing aro rep in non-human characters, but that's just me. Non-human characters being the only aspec rep is the problem.)

Implying all aces are aro.

Implying all aros are ace.

Implying all aros experience platonic attraction.

And much more. The aspec community isn't black and white--that's why it's the a-spectrum.

DISCLAIMER: I am only one loveless aplatonic aromantic and do not speak for the entire aspec community.

#aromantic #aplatonic #asexual

3K notes · View notes

aromantic-pantyanarchy · 3 months

Text

Sometimes the things I see y'all say about aphobes seems unbelievable, but in blocking people I did see someone arguing that yes the A is in fact for Ally like what. How do you see this working out. How can you functionally exclude someone but also include anyone who wants to help out. Can I join if I just say I'm an ally? An aromantic ally? What was your end goal here? Straight people are cool but not straight people who don't l*ve enough? Who don't have enough sex? Genuinely what did they mean by this I'm in danger of falling down a rabbit hole here.

#reference to aphobia

11 notes · View notes

goalieprotectionsquad · 2 years

Photo

happy pride month from your neighborhood gray!! I forget that asexuality has been severely misrepresented and that a lot of people don’t actually know what it is as a result so here is an overview of what asexuality is, what it’s not, and how acephobic is represented. there is so much more to asexuality than just this. I didn’t even mention the medicalization of asexuality!

I highly rec scretspiderlady on Twitter because she writes a lot about the ace experience and has many comprehensive threads. I also rec Yasmin Benoit, a Black aroace lingerie model who is fighting misinformation about asexuality and shedding light on racism within the asexual community. if you’re interested in more resources feel free to dm me!

EDIT: I updated the slide that refers to asexuality as “aspec” to “acespec.” The term aspec refers to the a community as a whole -- both asexuals and aromantics -- while acespec refers to the asexual spectrum and arospec referes to the aromantic spectrum. You can see this mirrored in the terms acephobia (experienced by aces), arophobia (experienced by aros), and aphobia (experienced by both aces and aros). Thank you to those of you who tagged this post with their correction!

EDIT 2: now with a text-only option!

#asexuality #graysexuality #demisexuality #asexual #graysexual #demisexual #happy pride #pride month #if you are being a jerk i will block you #I have better things to do than pay attention to your hateful rhetoric #ace people are queer get over it #it won't let me add alt text #I am REALLY sorry

19K notes · View notes

aroacesafeplaceforall · 5 days

Note

I've been trying to explain my Sherlock is ace headcanon to my friend and they're just like NOOOO he had sex with that person when he was pretending to date them

and I'm like exactly!! he had sex JUST because he had to fool her into thinking he liked her so he could take advantage of her (questionable morals but yk)

which means he had literally no feelings for her and therefore he didn't care abt the sex

okay and this woman made sexual advances towards him but he looks at her eyes rather than her boobs and is just totally chill

I'm not saying allos can't ignore boobs but like I genuinely believe Sherlock couldn't care less abt sex

I'm trying to explain that he can have sex and make sex references and act sexy and joke abt sex without being allo??!?!!????!

(anyway this is the same friend who told me I'd find someone eventually and has a lot of internalised aphobia despite ace questioning themselves so I understand why they don't get this)

(I'm really sorry if you don't care abt Sherlock whatsoever lol I just needed to prove a point to a fellow aspec person)

I have no knowledge about this man (not in the fandom) but from what you've said, I say an ace headcannon is completely acceptable and understandable :)

#hopefully your friend overcomes the internalised aphobia #i wish them luck #asks #ask #asexual #ace #ace pride #pride

41 notes · View notes

olderthannetfic · 7 months

Note

The ace asks about how asexuality and being aromantic is increasingly seen to mean "has sex and romance like a normal person" reminds me of the time I accidentally deeply angered an author. She had the tag 'asexual character' in her fic's tags, but since it's a 300k word long fic involving a lot of characters, it wasn't clear who that referred to right away. I left long comments on each chapter, talking about what I liked, sections that hit really hard, lines that I loved, etc., as I always do. (I like to ramble IRL and I can't turn it off even online.) At the halfway point of the fanfic, during a long comment about the OCs that helped flesh out the oft-mentioned but barely explored organizations and companies in the world of canon, I said that I hoped This One Specific OC or That Other Specific OC would turn out to be the asexual character, as I saw in them echoes of myself and a friend of mine (we're both ace).

She had never responded to a comment of mine before, but she did for that one... to yell at me about how the main character OC was aroace, actually. This was apparently supposed to be obvious since the word ace was used in the tie-in prequel fic, which I had held off on reading because the author's note mentioned it would have spoilers if you hadn't read the whole main fic. The character in question has a relationship not remotely different from any of the cishetallo or cisqueerallo relationships presented in the text. She develops a snarky sarcastic friendship with someone she finds visually beautiful and impossible to look away from, gets to know him a little, watches movies with him, they get into urban fantasy danger which they help each other through, they fuck and do so extremely regularly, and she has past exes who she also did all of this with.

And I was, apparently, a bigot with internalized aphobia and negative attitudes towards women who have sex because I didn't look at her and go, "Ah, yes, an aroace!" She informed me I was forcing unrealistic stereotypes no one adhered to onto ace people by thinking aces had to be a certain way and by refusing to see that

Her angry reply was so long it took three AO3 comments to send to me, and it didn't really make me convinced I'd misread the situation. It just made me convinced this wasn't an author I wanted to read more fic from, because 1. this is a lot of anger, holy crap and 2., I really think this is an excusable mistake on my part. I saw no signs this character was in any way different from any other couple in the fic beyond that she and her love interest didn't get to know each other's backstories as much and instead bonded more through experiences they shared, which in my opinion is not something that can be linked to any sexuality or lack thereof.

I feel like there's a moral in here. Like, authors, as a fellow author, I get that it sucks when someone else doesn't see the characters like you do, or misses something you thought was clear, etc. I get that it's frustrating. But don't rip into someone who's been gushing about every chapter of your fic individually just because they didn't catch one thing. I failed to realize one character's sexuality. That's not the same as hating you, the character or the writing.

Mostly I remember that incident as the day I stopped asking questions in my long comments. A sea of gushing does not make up for a mistake and the best way not to make those is to not ask if a tag relates to a character or line.

Oof. I mean, sure, there's a diversity of experience. Everything is a spectrum. Yada yadda. But if two labels become entirely indistinguishable, what's the point of even having them, much less getting mad when people can't spot the difference?

90 notes · View notes

krirebr · 4 days

Text

So, I've been going back and forth about sharing this here but it's really been dominating my thoughts for the last two days, and while I've talked about it a lot with friends, I'm hoping that writing everything down will help me process things. And maybe other people, especially aspec people might be able to relate.

I mentioned on Wednesday that I'd had a really terrible evening that had really shaken and upset me. Below the cut, I want to share what happened.

TWs for references to depression, aphobia, exclusionism, and bad therapy (there's probably a better word for it but I'm not sure what it would be.)

So some of you know that I started this year with a pretty intense depressive episode. It was bad enough that I had to take a leave of absence from work and pretty much spent that whole time crying in bed. It's taken a lot of work over the last few months to get myself back to a more stable place. A big part of that work has been regularly going to therapy.

I went to therapy on and off as a kid and in college, but not at all since then. All of my previous therapeutic experience was long before I came out as aroace. There's a long, ongoing history of aspec identities being medicalized and pathologized and that's something I was very aware of while looking for a therapist this time around. But I was also really desperate for help. So I chose as wisely as I could and crossed my fingers.

I chose a queer therapist who specialized in LGBTQ issues. I told them I was aroace in my first session and while they didn't seem very familiar at all, they also didn't make me overly explain myself or want to focus on that rather than the very real and urgent issues I had come to them for, which is what I'd been most worried about.

As I continued to meet with them weekly, they would sometimes ask questions about it, and while it was pretty clear they didn't really get it, they were respectful about it and it wasn't interfering with the help I actually needed.

That brings me to my appointment this Wednesday. I didn't have anything really pressing to discuss so they asked about my plans for the week and I mentioned that I was getting my hair cut and I was excited because I've been feeling lately like my hair is really hetero (I use that word instead of straight because my hair is so, so curly 😂) and I was looking forward to having queer hair again. They stopped. "Wait," they said, "I'm confused. Why did you use that word to describe yourself?" It had never occurred to them that aspec identities would be considered part of the queer community. They, in fact, had an incredibly narrow definition of the word queer - gay, just gay. And they didn't consider asexuality or aromanticism to be orientations at all.

My memories of the following conversation are pretty jumbled, but some highlights included such chestnuts as "What if you meet the right person one day?", asserting that the A in LGBTQIA+ stands for ally, there has to be a sexual component to romantic relationships, and "everyone has to have attraction, humans are sexual beings." They also said that we should dig into my childhood going forward because they were sure there was something there that caused this. I had a pretty traumatic middle school experience (bullying and some psychosomatic stuff that stemmed from that) and they were pretty eager to blame all that for this.

I became increasingly defensive and combative as this conversation went on (which if you know me, isn't like me at all). It ended with us both feeling very bad and uncomfortable.

I think they kind of came around a little bit by the end. They seemed open to educating themselves and even sent me a link to an article they'd found after our session. And that's great, I guess? But the whole thing made me want to crawl out of my skin. I cried a lot when I got home.

I'm not exactly sure what to do from here. My initial plan was to go next week, talk through what happened, offer some context for why I had gotten so defensive, and discuss together whether this was going to be a good long-term fit. But that's feeling less and less likely the more I think about it (I haven't been able to stop thinking about it). This is just such a big part of who I am. And it's a part of myself that I like and am proud of! And I just can't imagine a situation where I would ever feel safe talking about this aspect of my life with them. And I don't really want therapy where I'm constantly having to censor myself. So do I even go to my next appointment? I really don't know.

I know there's a lot of hopelessness in the aspec community around getting mental health care and I really don't want to add to that. I don't want to believe that we can't get help for our actual issues without mental health professionals just wanting to fix things that don't actually need to be fixed. And I hope that's not the moral or ultimate outcome of this story. I've talked to my very lovely network of queer friends and several of them have already said that they'll reach out to their contacts to find some recommendations for me. I deserve to get the help that I need in a space that is actually safe. And my need isn't as urgent as I was. I can take my time now to find someone I'm fully comfortable with.

I'm not sure exactly why I shared this. I don't always get so personal on here. And some of you have already heard it (thank you for being such good friends, seriously). But it's just been festering inside of me for the past two days and I really needed to share it. Thank you for listening.

#kris gets personal #vent post #kris rambles #asexuality #tw aphobia #therapy #bad therapy

16 notes · View notes

obsessedwithlute · 6 days

Text

I propose that we, as a society, should stop using the term "homophobia" to reference all types of anti-queer discrimination.

Homophobia is, by definition, prejudice against homosexuals/gay or lesbian people.

But there are many different identities that fall under the LGBTQ banner, obviously, including but not limited to transgender, bi/pan or aro/ace.

There are certain terms like transphobia, biphobia or aphobia that are, like homophobia should be, limited to prejudice against one type of queer label.

Queerphobia is a much more accurate term to describe prejudice against the LGBTQ community as a whole. You wouldn't call your nonbinary aromantic friend homosexual, would you? (If you would, that's a whole other issue). Why should that change when referring to discrimination against the community, which is a topic that should be handled with respect for queer people.

There are lots of different ways to be queer, and all terms associated with the community should respect that- even ones I wish didn't have to exist.

So please, use "queerphobia" instead. It's just more respectful to the people who have to deal with it on a daily basis.

#lgbtq #lgbtqia #queer #queerphobia #I don't care if I get hate for saying this because it needs to be said

18 notes · View notes

aspec-manga-snom · 7 months

Text

My Aspec Manga List

This list will be continuously updated from time to time.

Everything on this list will be my personal recommendations for manga that either give off the aspec vibes, have a canon character or have an indirectly labeled character. I will admit a lot of these may be headcanons more than anything, but they aren't without their backing.

I'm using the term aspec as an umbrella term for arospec and acespec.

Trigger Warning Key:

*Contains Sexual References (Jokes, Mentions, etc.)

+Depictions of Sexual Imagery/Complete Nudity (Usually won't go that far, but just to be safe.

-Homophobia,Transphobia, Aphobia, etc.

!Themes of Suicide

/Gratuitous Violence, Gore

Aspec Stories with Canon Characters:

In which the words are said.

Mine-Kun is Asexual by Isaki Uta (ace)

My Astible by Amupaka * (aroace and demiaroace)

Our Dreams at Dusk by Kamatani Yuhki *-! (aroace)

Is Love the Answer? by Isaki Uta - (aroace)

Sex Education 120% by Takaki Kikiki, Illustrated by Hotomura *+ (aroace)

I Want to Be a Wall by Shirono Honami (aroace)

Scum's Wish Décor by Yokoyari Mengo *+- (aroace) (sequel anthology, haven't read the original)

Ame ga Shinai Koto by Okaya Izumi * (aroace) (they don't say the words but "never falls in love" is just right there)

Bloom into You by Nio Nakatani * (aroace) (demiromantic lesbians)

Kiryuu-sensei wa Renai ga Wakaranai by Haruka Ono * (aroace)

Kanojo ni Naritai Kimi to Boku by Umi Takase *-! (alloace)

Ano Yoru no Pool by Pukupuku (aroallo)

Romantic Killer by Wataru Momose * (aroallo)

Hatsukoi, Catharsis by Nuko Hatokawa * (gayace)

Lilies and Voices Born Upon the Wind by Mei Renjouji *- (aroace) (pan, demiace)

She Loves to Cook, She Loves to Eat by Sakaomi Yuzaki (ace lesbian)

Sensitive Boy by 46 *+! (aroace supporting)

Basically Unconfirmed but Implied Aspec Headcanons (Some Personal, Some Universal):

The Disastrous Life of Saiki K. by Asou Shuuichi (aroace)

Frieren: Beyond Journey's End by Yamada Kanehito, Illustrated by Abe Tsukasa * (aroace)

Oshi no Ko by Akasaka Aka *! (aroallo)

It's Not Meguro-san's First Time by 9℃ *+ (alloace and aroallo)

Doughnuts Under a Crescent Moon by Usui Shio *- (demiaro ace lesbians)

Last Gender: When We Are Nameless by Taki Rei *+-! (arospec aspec)

Umi ga Hashiru End Roll by Tarachine John (aroace)

Fly Me to The Moon by Hata Kenjiro * (aroace)

I Think Our Son Is Gay by Okura *- (aroace)

Renai Daikou by Akasaka Aka, Illustrated by Nishizawa 5mm * (arospec)

Spy x Family by Endou Tatsuya */ (aroacespec) (I'll die on this hill)

One Piece by Eiichiro Oda *+-!/ (aroace)

The Apothecary Diaries by Hyuuga Natsu & Nanao Ikki, Illustrated by Nekokurage *!/ (aroacespec)

Something Like the Dust That Is My World by Amano Shuninta*+- (aroallo)

Seibetsu "Mona Lisa" no Kimi e by Tsumuji Yoshimura *+-! (aroacespec) (kinda bad ideology of gender binary)

Dr.Stone by Riichiro Ingaki, Illustrated by Boichi * (aroace)

Monthly Girls' Nozaki-kun by Izumi Tsubaki * (aroace)

My Love Story!! by Kazune Kawahara, Illustrated by Aruko * (aroace)

Tanaka-kun wa Itsumo Kedaruge by Nozomi Uda * (aroallo)

Skip & Loafer by Misaki Takamatsu * (demiaro? demiace?) (strong platonic relationships)

Dungeon Meshi by Kui Ryoko*!/ (aroace)

Girl Meets Rock! by Kuwahali, illustrated by Tetsuo Ideuchi (aro)

Watashi no Yuri wa Oshigoto desu! by Miman *+ (aro & demiaro coded)

#ongoing list #aspec manga #lots of good reads #trigger warnings provided #support the authors if you can #or go to fun websites with adblockers #asexual #aromantic #aspec #there will be more

36 notes · View notes

hyperesthesias · 6 months

Text

Decisions & Desire Part I

Notes: Next part is much happier, I promise. They are both just really stubborn. There are two songs associated with this installment: Le cygne by Camille Saint-Saëns and My Body is a Cage by Arcade Fire.

Context: Anya is Viktor's childhood friend from Zaun. She is a wealthy donor to the Academy, and is also Viktor's patron; she gained her fortune through winning the lottery. She is a mage, a theoretical physicist, and is a different humanoid species -- she lives for centuries, and only has one mate for her lifespan. Viktor's love and attraction for her grows, but he does not want to become her mate, so that she will not spend the rest of her lifespan alone.

rating & potential warnings: Mature ; infertility ; brief aphobia ; sexual dysfunction.

AO3 link

Tag List: @uniquedeerwitch ; @funcoolchickie (please let me know if you would like to be tagged for future updates!)

Previous Chapter | Next Chapter

Viktor spent the day poring over the notes Anya gave him: translations of ancient runes, spell castings, and various theoretical equations in the sciences of physics. There were many aspects which he could decipher, but there were many to which he was not privy; Anya was the mage, capable of great magicks he could not fathom. Many of her mentions and notations were lost on his limited knowledge, save for those he could reference in what few ancient texts and scholarly scripts had not been abandoned behind lock and key. Thus, he decided to visit her at her mansion, hoping to divine her help. He knew she had no responsibilities to attend to that day – whether at the Academy, or at her temple – and he had been given free invitation to her home whenever he pleased.

The Sun sweltered in the middle of the sky, its rays clung to the final days of Summer before the Equinox. Viktor nearly felt faint as he exited the carriage and found shelter in the shade of her porch lattice. He pressed on the intercom and announced himself to her; he was quickly let inside, where the chill of her marble home brought relief to the heat sickness that threatened him. He could not hear her bustling about the kitchen, nor did he hear her pattering feet throughout the floors of the mansion; the door to her bedroom was open, though there were no shadows that moved within it. But he was guided to the glass door of a patio with the sound of splashing water; outside, he found the disturbed waters of a long, rectangular pool, and a fast swimming shape moved beneath them.

Anya’s face appeared at the corner closest to him. “Will you join me?” she laughed as she slicked back her hair.

He smirked and shook his head. “I prefer to stay on land,” he said. “I hope I have come at a good time. I do not want to interrupt your day off with work.”

“No – please. I want to hear everything you have to say.” She motioned to a shaded cabana beside the pool, furnished with lounge chairs and small tables, and a pitcher full of fresh water. “But if it is alright with you, I will stay here.”

“By all means,” he agreed, and retreated into the cover of the canopy. Her kind were acclimated to warmer weather, and he rarely saw her so happy than when the Sun was bright and torrid; he would hate to pry her of joy. “I had a question about one of your notes, ‘transmutation’ –” he began, “you have labelled it in runes, however I cannot make sense of it. The other proposed actions – these, spells, written in runes – seem to have a clearly defined variable in what is required for them. However, transmutation does not.”

Anya was flat on her back as she enjoyed the heat of the Sun; she spun underneath the water and swam closer towards him. She clung to the wall of the pool, and rested her folded arms on its edge. “Magic requires balance,” she said. “All actions must have an equal and opposite reaction – magic is simply a science. I am sure you have heard: ‘all magic has a price’, an expression of that same principle – but rarely is magic ever so dramatic,” she chuckled.

“So, the equation is incomplete,” he presumed and reread her combination of runes in his notebook – now interpreting them as algebraic expressions, rather than nebulous concepts he was forbidden to learn.

“Well, I cannot decipher what it wants in return,” she said. “The building blocks of a transmutation ritual are there, plainly, in the runes – but as for what the crystal will give or take to balance out the action, I have only guesses.” She dipped her head back in the water to wet her quickly drying hair and brushed the droplets from her face. “It is an ancient magic – one that is not of my culture.”

Anya disappeared beneath the surface of the pool again, and Viktor sat, engrossed, in the runework she laid out on the page; with his newfound understanding of how spellwork functioned, he reread each passage to determine its proposed outcome.

The Sun waned from the center of the firmament, where it lingered towards the Western horizon and a golden hue cast itself over the forest edge in the near distance; the bouncing waters in the pool glimmered with the shine of quicksilver; long shadows careened over the perimeter of the mansion and the topiaries around the patio; and Anya sighed with satisfaction from her prolonged leisure. Viktor still sat with the notebook in his hand, roughly attempting to piece together runework of his own; his feet were elevated on an ottoman, and the pitcher of water was now half empty beside him. They had hardly spoken, besides an occasional observation, or a quick question, but they enjoyed their mutual company in gladdened silence.

He heard Anya begin to exit the pool, as the water lapped at the shore’s steps, and he moved to stand in the hopes that he could show her the rune equations he had crudely written. But as he looked up from his notebook, the image of Anya, and the beauty of her figure caressed in golden light, struck him viscerally.

She wore the half sheer fabric of her people, it clung to her every curve with wetness and decadence. She stepped out of the pool with grace and assurance, and as she stood to greet the dying light of day, she rolled her neck towards its rays; they kissed the figure of her waist and hips with bright flashes of lustre. The length of her dark hair fell over her back, and she wound her arms around it to drain every drop from its locks; they gathered in a puddle at her feet, trailing in streams back into the pool behind her. He could hear her hum as she did so, each strand of hair a singular, sensitive nerve, she combed her fingers through small tangles with quiet soughs.

Viktor quickly looked away, uncertain what to do with himself. A heat gathered in his thighs, and he held his breath. He was overcome with an emotion he had never experienced, but in dreams. Rarely had he gazed on Anya to acknowledge her beauty, but never had he felt for her the fervor that quickened his blood with desire.

"Are you hungry?” she asked.

“What?”

“Would you like to join me for dinner?” she asked again. It was not unusual for Viktor to be distracted by his thoughts, but the stoicism that hardened his face was deeper than was his wont, and he refused to look at her.

“No. Thank you,” he said, and chanced to glance at her.

“Very well,” Anya agreed, suspicious, but she allowed her friend his oddities. “If you change your mind, you always have a place here.”

She continued to brush her hands through her hair, and when she returned its long locks to rest along her back, she shook her mane of any other droplets. Her soft breasts moved with her as her body swayed and shuddered, and she took a refreshed breath as the tail end of a breeze passed through the foliage around them.

Viktor’s breath remained captive in his throat, and his hands gnawed at the notebook clasped between them; he was frozen there, in her light, and he had every instinct to both flee and fall at her feet. But the passion of his instincts was marred by the impotence that robbed him of the chance to ever show her his devoted desire with the sacrament of his body. Lascivious thoughts wound themselves throughout his mind, and at their impulse, he was tempted to profess his ardor regardless of the consequences.

But Viktor chided himself for his prurience, and quickly, he gathered himself and his cane, and began to leave the patio and her home. “I have to go,” he said.

Anya was left on the patio, bemused by her friend’s unusual exit. He often hid himself away from the company of others when he felt overwhelmed, or when he was burdened with memories of tragedies long past – it was a mutual trait they shared; but his flight from her instead, appeared riddled with fear and despair. She worried for her friend and his wellbeing.

Viktor spent the remainder of the day tormented by the agony in knowing that, even if his physical form could function in the way it was intended, Anya would suffer nonetheless. She returned all of his affections, she kissed him with equal passion, but his desire for her, and his desire to please her, did not outweigh his moral duty to protect her. Even from himself. Refraining from bonding with her was the most obvious and ethical choice. Still, his mind entertained the fantasy of fulfilling his lifespan with her – in the hope that he could find a solution to the dilemma: that he could bond with her now, and that she would be spared any pain for the remainder of her long life. He weighed every consequence, charted every nuance of every possible outcome should they spend their lives together: he thought of what involvements or restrictions would be required of him at her temple; he contemplated the consequences of being involved with an Academy donor, if he would need to quit his position there; he sought visions of their children. But grief found him once more as he pained himself to imagine their faces, and their genetic components. He was told as an adolescent that the probability of his reproduction would be limited, due to the prolonged chemical exposure he endured in the Fissures. He never longed for children – they were a hindrance, and an additional responsibility he could not afford, neither monetarily, nor emotionally. But the thought that he could not offer Anya the option of their creation was yet another mark against the benefits of their union.

He attended his physician, and sought clarity and advice, on both impotence and infertility. It was the same physician he had seen since he moved to Piltover, after his acceptance into the Academy – there were few in the upper city who understood the effects of post-polio syndrome, and who were trained enough to treat the atrophy and nerve damage associated with it.

“It’s not an uncommon complaint,” his doctor reassured him. “There are plenty of treatments. Are you sexually active now?”

“No, I have not been.”

His doctor eyed him with disbelief. “Ever?” he pressed.

Viktor pursed his lips. “No.”

“With anyone? Men or women.”

“No.”

“I can only do my best to help if you tell me the truth.”

“I am becoming offended.”

The doctor put up his hands and returned to reading his clipboard. Out of the many years he had seen him, Viktor was never known to be a liar. “Alright, alright. You’d be surprised how many people try to lie about this stuff. I just want to get the whole picture.”

Viktor paused and suppressed his offence with discomfort. He advanced the conversation instead: “Intimacy has never been of interest to me. However, I am entertaining the idea of intimacy with one person.” He hesitated, and swallowed, a part of him afraid that if he spoke his concern aloud it would somehow alter the future – like the runes and the spellwork he rigorously studied: “I must also know if I am able to have children.”

“Not a problem. I’ll write a prescription, and schedule a test. You’ll get the results in about a week.” The doctor scrawled words on a pad of paper; he tore it and handed it to Viktor.

He was twenty-eight with a prescription of pills made for old men – it did nothing to preserve his self-confidence.

Viktor made scarce appearances in the lab, and he avoided Anya altogether for the duration of the week. He had no wherewithal to sustain the society of others, especially that of Anya. He continued to work on the various combinations of runes apart from Jayce – there were thousands of possibilities, and Viktor found it preoccupied his mind well enough to dispose of his anxiety, if only temporarily.

On the sixth day, he received a letter from his physician’s office, it sat unopened on his dining table for hours, and he dreaded its contents. For nearly a week, he allowed himself to linger in the purgatory between hope and pessimism – there was a quiet part of him that imagined a life with Anya, that entreated him to dream of what her child would look like, what it would sound like, how it would live long after his expiration; a small and fantastical acceptance wormed itself through his mind, that he would be its father, that he could give her a gift which would last the long ages of her life by her side, and by which she would always remember him.

There was less than a one percent chance he could conceive, the results read.

His hand curled around the paper, and balled into a fist. He threw the results across the room, and anything else in his way – he retreated from his apartment.

The Sun hung in the mid horizon, fiery streaks of orange and lavender illuminated the sky, but he had no appreciation for them. He sat in his usual nook, nestled within the hydraulic dam he was wont to visit when his mind rejected the atmosphere of reality. A cigarette rested between his fingers that ran along his furrowed brow, his right leg over the ledge; a cool and quiet breeze sifted through the edge of the cities, and brought with it various scents and memories. He should have enjoyed the relaxation that seemed to beckon him, but his heart was bitter and acrid towards anything gentle and soft.

“If I did not know better, I would say you are avoiding me,” Anya’s soft voice spoke from behind him.

Viktor started, and his head whipped around to see her standing there, meekly in the shadows. “Myša,” he exhaled, the agitation of surprise lacing his voice. Her hands tugged at each other nervously, they hung at her middle; her eyes pled him not to send her away. Despite his ire, and the anguish that prevented him from holding her gaze, he did not renounce her.

Anya sat opposite him, and watched as the veil of thin clouds passed over the large disk of the Sun in the distance. “Do you ever wonder what it would be like, to be back in Zaun?” she asked.

He gave no answer.

“I would never wish for it. But a morbid part of me misses it. I knew my place there. Things – though they were awful – made sense. Now I am free, but I feel lost.”

He took another breath from his cigarette.

“I won everything. But now I am alone.”

He scoffed, the irony that he could not satisfy her desire of companionship panged him. “I suppose all of us should be careful what we wish for.”

She looked at him, and furrowed. “Have I offended you?”

He sighed and brushed his finger over his brow as he thought. “No, Anya. You have not.” He put out the cigarette and gathered both his courage and his stoicism. “I received word yesterday that your donation was accepted. I am no longer your liaison.”

His behavior still perplexed her – such news was not enough to partition himself from her completely, as he had for the past week. “I suppose we will see each other at the lab, instead, from now on,” she said.

He nodded in agreement, but he did not look at her.

She remained silent, preoccupying herself with the vision of the sunset, instead. It reminded her of their childhood.

“If I could, I would spend with you a thousand millennia,” Viktor spoke, suddenly.

Anya looked at him, shocked.

“If I could, I would spend every day with you. And if I could, I would give you a child like yourself. There is nothing I would not do – if it meant I did it with you. But I cannot. I cannot do…any of it.” He still did not look at her, pain gripped him with uneasy talons, and he could not settle himself enough to give her his sight. “It is better, then, that you do not waste your efforts of affection on me.”

“It is my affection to give,” she said, her voice muddled with sorrow. “It is a gift.”

“There will never be a gift that I can give you in return.” He looked at her, and watched as a tear fell from her face; he meant to spare her pain, not bring it. But he reasoned that a small grief now, would be better than a lasting anguish for the rest of her life.

Viktor stood, with the aid of his cane, and offered his hand to help her to her feet. She took it – her hand soft and heated with the everlasting blood of her people. He bowed his head, and kissed the tops of her fingers, her warmth leaving a sweetness on his mouth.

“Goodbye, Anya,” he said.

He left, and in his absence, imparted a shadow of himself into Anya’s heart.

#viktor arcane #viktor the machine herald #arcane viktor #viktor league of legends #league of legends #arcane netflix #viktor lol #viktor fanfic #viktor arcane fanfic #viktor arcane x oc #viktor x oc #viktor x anya #machine herald #arcane league of legends #arcane lol #arcane fanfic #machine herald viktor #viktor #arcane

25 notes · View notes