“i don’t want the orange side to be patton’s brother,” i say. and then i make my interpretation of the orange side represent wrath AND justice

this is a good time to say my most wild theory (and the one I want to be true so, SO badly) is that henry is a) in "faerun", and b) the anchor of anger

when people talk about naruto's repression they kind of miss a crucial element which is that it actually makes complete sense.

firstly from the power perspective, simply put, by its very nature he requires repression to function on a most basic level. this is opposite to the sharingan, which thrives on huge displays of emotion. im going to assume that the reason this is missed is because it runs counter to the personality traits each character is known for: the "emotionless, calm and cool" one actually is constantly accessing and expressing the most powerful of emotions, and the "expressive, empathetic and emotionally honest" one is actually warring with letting true emotions come to the surface. comparatively, when you look at starfire and raven from teen titans, you see that their personalities reflect their power. starfire is bright and expressive because thats how she best accesses her powers, and raven is subdued, controlled and calculated in order to control her powers. this means that contrary to popular belief, naruto isnt starfire-- naruto is raven. there are actually a few moments where you are subtly shown just how calculated naruto's displays of emotion are, and how they are reinforced in such a way (context is naruto being saddened that his request for parental affection was rebuffed):

which brings me to my second point: socialization. this part is straightforward. from itachi actively causing and incentivizing hatred and anger, to various mentors/people of influence (eg. kakashi) remaining silent at clear expressions of violent anger-- these negative emotions are not punished or discouraged when it come to the context theyre in. why? they are beneficial to the agenda of various characters. the revenge plot only starts being punished when its disadvantageous to the state. remember that there is a monetary value attached to the murder of itachi uchiha, and this is actually a common way to earn money. when you look at naruto, there is never a single instance when naruto is encouraged or even tolerated for having these emotions. the only exception who does this leaves him due to their own parallel struggle (side note: this is why naruto distinctly says the reason for his obsession is that this person accepted him more than anyone else, given this person is the only one who saw naruto's pain and anger and actually blamed his aggressors for it). naruto, raised implicitly to know that everyone seeks to be a tool of the state, and that in his case this is not just a choice but a requirement for his humanity. iruka's acknowledgment of naruto comes with an indication of possession, implying conditionality. people like kakashi, hiruzen, and others in positions of influence witness the abuse he faces, and ignore it or groom him into accepting the idea that he should appeal to his abusers for eventual acceptance. naruto meets gaara, someone with the same condition as him, but with radically different circumstances. whereas naruto's condition symbolically papers over his pain over time, gaara's is self-protective and defensive against his pain. gaara also occupies a position of power as the member of a royal family, and has siblings who are afraid of him but do hold some level of affection towards him. gaara's feelings of loneliness, while rational, come from a different place than naruto's. for gaara, he is surrounded by community that he doesnt know how to access. naruto has no community, he needs to find a way to forge one, but even when he does it is superficial. this dynamic is repeated in his introduction to killer bee, who from an early age is granted family and institutional protection. this isnt to say that the treatment of jinchuriki is ethical or healthy, but that naruto's situation is actually uniquely oppressive. kushina is the closest naruto gets to someone who validates this pain, but she cannot truly relate to him because she is never cripplingly alone (again, not to say her life was not difficult or oppressive or traumatic) and the object of her affections returns those feelings consistently and early on. naruto's trauma is thus compounded over and over by the conflict his need for his specific love interest causes: naruto is only tolerated as a weapon of the state, and in order to be an effective one he needs to love and be loved, but his love interest who allows him these negative emotions is an enemy of the state, leading to further isolation/tension from the state and pushing him towards the love interest.

as such, i actually think naruto does remarkably well at balancing this conflict and tension in a way that keeps him functional. though, obviously and eventually the compounding of his trauma and the repression of his pain is something that needs to be addressed. the only person who is capable of doing this in a way that puts naruto's wellbeing first ("when i saw you in pain...i also felt pain" and the subsequent frequent moments of protection and defence) only reunites with him at the end of the manga, so you never get to see that actually happen.

im assuming the reason why a lot of this is missed is partially because through framing this repression as positive through the majority of the manga (aside from naruto's own personal thoughts), the reader is never really forced to decide how they feel about the concept unlike the inherent conflict of the radical revenge plot. the other part is the grander, underlying allegory in the naruto story which is the varied manifestations AND expressions of trauma. through readers' responses and attention to certain individuals in the naruto story, you can learn how they relate to and look at trauma. to me, naruto himself is actually the example of a trauma victim who shows a brave face and thus isnt recognized. naruto is the woman who puts on makeup to cover the bruises to go to work a day after she is assaulted. who tells herself that she must have some part in it, so it isnt abuse. maybe she grew up in a family where no one answered when she cried, so she learned to keep it moving and stop crying.

lastly, on a greater scale, people also forget a crucial aspect of "yin/yang" is that things with a large properties of one, by nature will also come with a small amount of the opposite. thats what the smaller inner dots represent.

a more surface level example of this is that naruto's face is brash, large, and masculine-- these are yang traits and they are predominant in his appearance. however, looking closely at his rounded cheeks and eyes and the soft nature of his eye colour, there are subtle yin elements. naruto's "positivity" or "optimism" is fueled by a certain level of negative repression.

Astrology Observations

Uranus in the 6th house can indicate owning an exotic pet. The 6th house also represents pets and Uranus symbolizes all things unique and eccentric.

Pluto conjunct the Descendent of a solar return chart can indicate that you will be attracting a life-changing relationship or business partnership that year.

Something quite interesting I’ve observed about having your natal Venus conjunct your Ascendant is that it does not necessarily mean that you will be blessed with good looks (although you may very well be) It most often means that people find you like-able and graceful. People with their Venus conjunct Ascendant are generally well-liked by others. If they also have Mars or Pluto conjunct the ascendant this may not always be the case.

If you have your Mars conjunct your natal Lilith (black Moon) people may perceive you as being sexually promiscuous (even if this is not the case).

Something quite interesting about having Saturn conjunct Mars in a natal chart is that these people may struggle when in comes to expressing their anger. However, when they do it tends to be intense as they often repress many of their angry emotions until they erupt.

When you have Uranus transiting your 1st house you may make unexpected changes to your personality or physical appearance. Those around you will perceive you as being quite unpredictable or eccentric during this time.

If you have Neptune in your 9th house, you may be more susceptible to religious , philosophical or ideological manipulation. This is not because you are unintelligent, Neptune in our charts can show us where we tend to not always see things clearly.

If you have your own online business, you will likely see an increase in sales they year you have your solar return Jupiter in the 3rd or 11th house.

If you have the ruler of your midheaven placed in your 8th house you may work at a bank or in finance. Alternatively, you may work in the healing professions or in the occult.

It’s quite rare to find a Sagittarius Mars who hasn’t travelled abroad or had to travel frequently in their lives. (It is possible)

If you have Leo over your 5th house cusps you may be really well known for one of your hobbies or talents. In some cases there may be a lot of attention brought to your pregnancy (if you can have/want kids) or your children. Rihanna is a celebrity example of someone who has Leo on the 5th house cusp.

Something I’ve noticed with men who have Mars square Pluto in their natal charts is they tend to have really high sex drives. If this is not the case, they usually work out or participate in high impact sports such as rugby and football.

Couples who have easy (trine, sextile) aspects between Jupiter and Venus in their synastry tend to be very generous with each other. The generosity can also appear with the hard aspects. However, there may be a tendency to over-indulge or engage in risky behaviors together with the square or the opposition.

Interestingly, Venus opposite Moon in synastry actually works quite well. The opposition is known as a ‘hard aspect’. However, in this instance this aspect can create an “opposites attract” kind of dynamic. The dynamic between the two individuals is apt to be balanced and agreeable. However, if the couple has many other hard aspects between their planets, this aspect can increase the feelings of incompatibility between the two people.

i want to write a larger analysis of the relationships between fathers and daughters (principally, azula & ozai and katara & hakoda) in avatar at some point down the road, but for now i will say that i think katara was absolutely right to resent hakoda, to not want to see him, and to feel abandoned by him. like, you know i appreciate katara’s flaws a lot, and always acknowledge when i think her anger is misplaced or overblown, but in this case, i really don’t think that she’s being unfair towards hakoda at all. in fact, the only reason that sokka doesn’t resent hakoda is because he is constantly operating on so many layers of repression and cognitive dissonance that he would rather just pretend that everything is fine than face confronting how fucked up he is, in large part due to hakoda’s expectations for him. but katara is a lot more honest with herself and able to process her emotions in a healthier way than sokka can (she’s not perfect, of course, but she’s less repressed than sokka by miles), so she 100% rightfully recognizes hakoda’s myriad flaws as a parent, while simultaneously recognizing the extremely difficult conditions that did, ultimately, force his hand, which is why she is also able to forgive him, knowing that his mistakes came from a place of love rather than malice.

ASTRO OBSERVATIONS April 2023

Scorpio is known for sex but I think it is the earth signs that are actually sensual. Earth signs such as Taurus, Virgo and Capricorn deal with senses and are the most stimulated by touch, visuals, taste, voice, beauty, pleasures of the senses. They are not intuitive but rather sensual, materialistic and interact with what is tangible, seen, physical. While Scorpio is intuitive and deals with intangible, unseen and spiritual.

Then why is Scorpio linked to sex? It is not about sexual pleasure and more about craving rebirth. Fact with Scorpios is that they discover a layer of themselves everyday going through life. Their identity, personality, beliefs need evolving and they need to die to be reborn. That intense sex is them tuning to their intuition and when they orgasm something in them dies. Since it is intuitive, each Scorpio will know what has died but it is not possible to tell it in words because it is a symbolic death. Sex to them is like a ritual, a sacred practice that assists them in passing from one stage to the next.

The force of 8th house is against will power. At best I read on a social media forum it being described like "Plutonic force is like your head being shaved against your will power, no matter how much you resist, it will happen".

Rahu can be such a fake, illusion maker and a mirage. Wherever it is placed in the natal chart can show what area of life is shown as the "ideal, picture perfect, larger than life, wow factor" but it is actually just empty behind the screen. If Rahu is in 1st house, native appears to be this dashing, grand, all-rounder person but actually nobody knows if they are actually that person or not, nobody seen them doing what they claim to do, it is just the image. If Rahu is in 10th house, they have this mirage illusion of being hard working, leader, planner, entrepreneur but they are not actually all that. If Rahu is in 7th house, they have this image of ideal partner, picture perfect couple, dream partner but actually it is just a mirage. It is the social perception that is ideal/mirage but in private something entirely different happens. For eg, they gift 100 roses to their loved one in office. Wow! How lucky, how romantic. Yet at home, they are like the partner does not even exist, totally different.

8th house moons can be hypersensitive to their mom's voice. It is as if they grow up and suddenly they are super reactive to their mom. If she says anything, 8H moon screams. "Be quiet!", "Change your tone of voice", they complain their mom irritates them which can be actually repressed memories of childhood being triggered every time mom says something. In the worst cases, they can even abuse their moms which is called "reactive abuse" where the party can no longer tolerate the abuser and explodes in anger.

Fire sign risings surely give the PERCEPTION of confidence, self assurance, burning hot even if they are extremely insecure inside, it would not appear in their persona. It is the rising sign that is how others see us and how we show ourselves to others, it is autonomous, spontaneous and unchangeable for this lifetime. Fire signs can be going through failures but not show in their faces.

Planets in 1st house emit the energy of themselves. But beware! 1st house is just the persona and your impression on others - not the actual person behind the mask. So Sun in 1st house = public perception is they are so confident and self secure. Mercury = they are so intelligent and cheerful. Jupiter = they are so wise and guide. Even if native is not these things, people are somehow convinced that they are those qualities just because of their facial expressions + language + vibes.

It is very important for 8th housers to be discerning in choosing their company/partner/friends. 8th housers are prone to feeling negative emotional hurts because they have survived extreme emotional situations in childhood, the side effects of which will last a lifetime. I also think that these natives inherit emotional wounds from their ancestors that makes them carry so much burden on their shoulders. So, they should choose such people who are empathetic, emotionally intelligent, know some psychology and know that "the wounds of swords and gun can heal but not that of the tongue". An unhealed 8th houser is like an open invitation to the world "come use me" and when the native has had enough of betrayals and shocks, they turn inwards to start doing self introspection, analysis of human nature and undergo drastic transformation.

Lets talk about Izzy and why being in drag is (potentially) huge for his arc.

The verdict on Izzy in S1 seems to be either 1. he's an angry, repressed queer guy with internalised homophobia or 2. he's an angry guy with homophobia. I would like to present to you - secret option number 3. Neither of the above (but a bit of 1).

I think he's an angry queer guy, who's terrified of the danger that lurks outside of appearing constantly masc and strong, and seeing other people apparently not realise or care how vulnerable they are, drives him absolutely spare. It's more complicated than simply internalising homophobia, it's misogyny and self-loathing and a response to being at sea for his entire life and struggling to survive - and we see what just a few months of that does to Lucius.

This is reflected in his talks with Ed in S1 - Ed's whimsy in the face of the approaching Spanish ship might get them all killed. Ed's public breakdown, if it got out, would destroy the reputation that protects Ed, Izzy and their entire crew. Stede is a pet, he's a weakness, and so he needs to be eliminated. That's how Izzy functions - he has like two bits of exposed skin, one outward emotion and he's lived for a long time like that - it works. It's the kind of strength he understands. He's convinced that him reining Ed in is what's keeping them alive.

BUT in S1 he sees that being open, being yourself, isn't a death sentence - and he HATES it. Because if that's true, look how much time he's wasted.

Ed and Stede's very whimsical lighthouse fuckery WORKS. Stede, in his frilly suits with his rec room and his fucking library, skates past death over and over again like he's scotch guarded from consequences. Ed and Stede make moon-eyes at each other and no one uses that against them - until Izzy does, because it's going to happen sometime (he thinks) so it's better it's him, because at least then Ed will survive.

Lucius is just hooking up with Pete in the galley while Wee John is right there - this is something that's an unspoken part of ship life, a shameful thing, and Izzy's the only one it bothers. Lucius uses flirtation to get out of scraping barnacles under armed guard, and uses it again to shut Izzy down. Lucius isn't ashamed of being flirtatious, seductive and femme - and Izzy loses to that tactic. He can't beat it with yelling and anger. It's a sort of strength he doesn't expect or understand - the strength that comes from knowing who you are. Of 'carrying yourself like you're cute' - because if you're confident, it'll work.

But he still has a huge amount of resentment for anyone who is allowed to be themselves - because he can't be. Especially in Ed's case - one of them has to be 'the strong one' and he thinks that's him.

Then, Season 2 happens.

In the space of a few episodes, Izzy learned that sharing your feelings is fucking difficult, painful and takes a lot of courage. He's had no choice but to be weak, spilling out all these ugly emotions and being physically dependant on others and in that weakness he wasn't destroyed - he was rebuilt. A little bit of that guard comes down and it doesn't kill him. So, he takes his shirt off and no one stabs him in the back. He's got a gold unicorn leg and he still absolutely wrecks shit up on a raid. He does something a little arty, opens up a tiny bit to Lucius, and he still doesn't die. It doesn't make things worse, it makes them better.

Enter, the drag episode. Suddenly, we've got Izzy in drag. A masculine style of drag, but still, drag. All that internal change, the shifting meaning of strength and masculinity, is externalised, but he's still himself - his face tattoo is redrawn as part of the makeup because it's still his face, if anything, it's MORE his than ever - AND THEN THE SHIP GETS ATTACKED, his worst nightmare - he's as far from hyper-masc as he can be, and now he's in danger.

BUT

In the teaser, we see Izzy telling people who are, presumably there to torture him and the crew, that it's just going to turn him on. He's using Lucius' technique of disarming people with flirty banter. I can't see S1 Izzy being able to do that.

He gets to dress in drag, be sassy and still win a fight because he's strong as shit and that doesn't go away just because he allows himself to be other things too.

Bro, the noise I just made. I literally cannot stand the fanon for Stiles or Derek. It is so so soooo bad, I think these people literally have only seen the 2 hour sterek compilation. Every day I am like "who fucking told you people that Derek never smiles and has no sense of humor?"

Stiles gets turned into this big eyed, kitten twink who wouldn't dare to misbehave because he's the sheriff's son (the kid who gets drunk in the WOODS, and gets his dad drunk so he can steal casefiles!!)

Derek like... He is either completely useless and cannot dress himself for a date without fanon!Laura (do not get me started) telling him what to do, or he is so emotionally repressed and damage that he can barely handle someone kissing him without him falling to pieces.

LIKE. Derek smiles. Derek makes jokes!! Derek laughed at Stiles right before the pool scene. Derek knows how to use a cellphone and a laptop. Derek is a goddamn millenial, he knows what grumpy cat is. He knows he's hot, he has a mirror!!

Also... the man lived in New York fucking City. He's not afraid of crowds or talking to people or making out, he uses sex to get his way (Erica and the deputy at the front desk!!)

i know.

like, there's a period of fics that are usually from the s1-2 period that lean pretty hard on derek's dark, brooding and grumpiness from season 1 but of course he was like that. he was going through The Horrors during season 1. he was grieving laura, he was being retraumatized by kate and dealing with scott, stiles and fucking jackson.

he wasn't one dimensional though. his anger was a mask for all the fear, confusion and trying to be in control.

do you know how many fics i've read where people have stiles think about all the apparent physical violence derek has done to stiles as if he's always slamming him into surfaces? way too many to count and it's incorrect. off the top of my head i can count 3 times derek did something like that to stiles. the shove into the wall and slam into the steering wheel in wolf's bane both of which had a point to them. whether or not it was a good emotional response doesn't matter. what matters is that they were not random or part of derek's personality. he didn't just shove stiles into things every time he saw him. the wall shove in s4 with de-aged derek was a deliberate call back to that very instance in wolf's bane. it was literally coupled with the whole cousin miguel bit.

fandom doesn't like to acknowledge that derek hale isn't particularly violent over the course of the show. he hardly even wins the fights he engages in and he is often forced into fights knowing he cannot win.

our boy mostly ends up on the fucking floor.

derek also does make jokes. dry ones usually he thinks they are hilarious too. he thinks he's a funny guy. his dad joke game must've been off the charts, sorry eli.

he and stiles trade barbs a lot and he thinks stiles is funny. stiles amuses him and he indulges it a few times. he shows off to stiles too like a loser.

he likes to fuck with scott and stiles and enjoys taking the piss out of peter. he genuinely enjoyed fucking with liam in s4.

he's not a luddite either. he has a cellphone and we see him use it. i bet he plays games on it. i bet he plays candy crush and words with friends.

and fanon evolved to strip away that stiles is an asshole. he a violent little freak. he threatens people, he expresses regularly his desire to kill people or have them die, he cares about a very small selection of people in his life and if you're not in that circle than god be with your ass because stiles most definitely won't.

he loves and respects his father but this doesn't mean stiles respects the law which is why i don't know why the law enforcement route was chosen for him. stiles hates rules and boundaries. he chafes at them.

stiles casually helps kira and scott break into evidence to get her cell phone. he tells scott's fbi agent father to fuck himself. he got his dad drunk to get access to case files. he copies people's keys. he's a nosy shit.

the whole show started because stiles was a nosy punk kid who wanted to see a dead body.

but i digress.

fanon stiles had a lot of scott's characteristics projected onto him so they could bash scott. i know there's a lot of people who don't like scott which is fine or whatever but there are so many that do it so they can make a pinata out of a character they've extracted all the good points from and give to their favorite little white boy fav.

stiles "i will beat you with a bat" stilinski is a freaky little shit who will bite you.

do you know how hard i laughed when in s3 stiles and isaac genuinely just like could not stand each other? they couldn't be in the same room with out insulting one another and it was the complete opposite of stiles being oh so sensitive to isaac's past and history than straight up in 3b stiles the epitome of insensitive says to isaac something about still milking it (his abuse). stiles is a dick.

i also genuinely have umbrage with the pack mom trope that stiles gets saddled with. the way fandom has oft feminized stiles leaves a bad taste in my mouth too.

derek and stiles are both assholes and i love them very much.

do you have any headcanons on how vertin's emotions manifest?

like how she experiences certain things and how that looks on the outside to the people around her

i've been thinking about angry vertin lately and how she'd react if something REALLY upset her

to me she strikes me as someone who would not yell or exhibit her anger very clearly (unless the receiving party is someone she hates, say, arcana, like how she snapped at her in chapter 5), but she doesn't repress it too much around those she cares about, just sorta indirectly saying "i do not wish to talk right now" in a slightly snappy way

The Trails (in Atlas) throughout Reverse 1999 paint a picture of an emotional person who has perfected hiding her feelings. With that said, I do HC Vertin as someone who perceives her own emotions differently from others.

For example, while many of us get "caught up in the moment", Vertin is the type to always take a step back and think "Is this worth getting angry about?"

As the only known person (so far) with guaranteed Storm Immunity, this changes the way she sees things. In her mind, she can lose her allies and friends at any time. It's why she is is generous as well as flexible with their demands. She tried to get Regulus A SHIP and her dialogue/Wilderness interactions show she'd rather go with the flow than argue. Oliver Fog even says she has a "conciliatory" nature.

Vertin is a big picture thinker. Regardless of her current anger, she loves her friends. Anger is temporary but relationships are long lasting if nurtured. Therefore acting on her anger isn't worth it because it's unproductive and she could hurt them. Instead, she focuses on working things out.

Going off of that, She considers hurtful words and shouting go against what she she wants to be: a safe haven for her friends. Her anger manifests more as disappointment or as regret for having to go through these painful feelings with whoever she is arguing with. I think in the worst case scenario, she'll excuse herself before she reaches her boiling point because she doesn't want to snap.

However, if you turn your back to storm off in a huff, she'll call after you and this is where the masks slips. It's not anger you'll hear, it's fear. Fear that you'll leave before you two can fix what's broken between you. She won't chase you because she'll assume you need time to cool off but she'll be on edge until you return.

Sometimes, people mistake this as her not taking them seriously because she doesn't get "passionate" (super angry) about things, but she's seeing things from a different point of view. With that said, she is stern when she has to be and won't back down from doing what she deems as the appropriate course of action. She will always hear others voices on the matter though (and her friends seem to trust so that makes things easier).

On the other hand, if Vertin does something she's quick to try and make amends.

And if we really think about, hasn't Vertin always asked people how they feel, how they're doing, and so on? By being proactive, she can eliminate a lot of tension before it blooms into conflict by addressing it. On the receiving end, Vertin would feel very hurt if she couldn't make things up to you.

1. She failed to make things right.

2. She is causing pain (negative emotions in general) in someone.

3. She isn't sure what to do and might back off (or shut down) completely out of fear of making things worse. It's the lesser of two evils to let you go as a happier person than to stick around you and make you angrier. If it gets to that point, good luck trying to approach her. She'll be one step ahead of you, always gone before you can speak to her. Stealth is one of her specialties and it'll be like trying to catch a cat who wants to be as far from you as possible.

So what about pure, raw, rage? It's interesting you bring up Arcana! When they first put on the friendship-bracelets (?), it was Vertin who triggered them with her anger/killing intent.

Arcana only triggered the bracelet when she sent her followers to attack Vertin's crew.

Arcana's attitude toward Vertin is not a front, but a genuine fascination. She doesn't "hate" Vertin while Vertin is ready to pull a Green Oranges on her. Sure Vertin raised her voice and whatever at Arcana, but that's the type of things we expect from a normal argument.

Vertin was ready to kill this woman. If Vertin starts displaying "normal" signs of anger, that is not normal.

She's that meme that goes "looks like a cinnamon roll but can kill you".

I got thinking that the most honest and raw details about Ed and Stede's past are revealed in Stede's fever-dream and Badminton hallucination and Ed's coma, when they're confronted by their own subconsciousnesseseses (too many esesesss didn't know when to stop).

I had a pick over some of Ed's dialogue from the Gravy Basket the other day, which was barely even scraping the surface, including his expectation of violence when he's vulnerable, anticipation of hurt/cruelty in a domestic sphere and from a caretaker, desperate need for validation and approval and more.

While rewatching episode 1-4 today, it hit me how much Stede's demonstrate his belief that:

he was and remains nothing more than a disappointment to everyone around him, fit for scorn and derision (covering the parent, spouse and child for his fever dream)

no one would care if he was hurt ("Yeah, congrats")

he was insufficient ("you are such a disappointment")

he was a coward/weak ("He was scared of geese, for god's sake," say the man who shows up holding the goose he forced his son to watch him kill)

his choices, thoughts and fears would be laughed at (All of the above + Nigel)

no one cares about his physical well-being (Standing over him, taunting and laughing while he's in pain)

he was a terrible father by choosing to leave ("They'll never see papa again")

his children would hate him and wouldn't care if he was dead ("scoundrels spare no one")

Messy, emotionally-repressive autistic lad hasn't had anywhere to let out his distress for a long time, because he's never felt safe to do it. Mary says she knew he was unhappy and thought she heard him crying alone and, in a flat monotone, he denied it and said the crying was the wind.

He was conditioned to believe anything he said would be shot down. He wasn't allowed to express opinions and thoughts and his father made damn sure if he did have any, they were scoffed at and ridiculed, whether it was Stede's belief he was fortunate to have comfort and wealth or derision about his belief that he could marry for love. Mary's anger at his ship plan comes in there too, even if her reaction is warranted - he still sees a rejection of him, his ideas and the things he cares about.

It says it all that the only time he really does lose his temper in S1 (not including the meltdowns over things not going to plan) is when Jack is deliberately smashing all his buttons, treating him like his peers and dad used to and then, to rub it in extra hard, pissing on his shoes.

Stede tried to do what he normally did in stressful situations: he was going to go back to the ship so no one would see anything, because Conceal Don't Feel is that man's watchword. He bottles so finely he has an entire wine cellar of Trauma.

Ed catches him before he can leave and Stede's all out of control of his emotions and lets opinions fly and next thing he knows, Karl is dead, the crew are upset and Ed is leaving with Jack. So he learns Do Not Show The Emotions Again and boy, how that spectacularly backfires.

And on that note, watching S2, ohhhhhh there's an eruption coming at some point. He has been pushing it all down, shaking the bottles and stacking them. We've had his flashbacks again. We've had him kill for the first time. We've had him almost lose the love of his life multiple times. He's not dealt with any of that and a storm is a-coming now there's nothing to distract him from it.

Also, in case there's any doubts that his trauma isn't lurking to sneak back up and bite him, look at the man he chose to spend time with after Ed left him when he did something regarded as "man's work": an older man in a bloody leather apron just like his father in the flashbacks.

"You like me for me," he says to that guy, the one who has been reassuring him and validating him and telling him how good and worthwhile he is all day.

Stede "Daddy Issues and Then Some" Bonnet.

Something that always struck me about this 'fight' is that it felt really one-sided. Not because the Raven Beast is bigger, but because she's also way more aggressive. We see throughout the show that Eda in her Owl Beast form acts mostly on instinct (and her inner beast, once she starts talking to it, seems to just be hungry or cranky most of the time). We don't get much insight into how Lilith copes with the curse (like none at all after this), so this is going to be a lot of inference.

Off the top, I would like to reiterate that Hayley Wong has repeatedly asked that nobody repost or edit her art without permission. I'm going to be referring to stuff from the boards in this post, so here's the link if you want to look for yourself.

So, in this episode, Eda and Lilith are both angry—specifically at Gwendolyn, and with good reason. They both end up turning into beasts due to a combination of that anger, stress, and the fact their mom thought she was "helping" by taking away their medication.

But here is where they differ. Eda was angry about the current situation: her mom refusing to respect her choices, and causing unnecessary harm to her all day. And Luz even joined in. As Eda says, she has a right to be upset, though I don't think she meant to lose control over the beast.

That's just what happens when she reaches her limit. And she knows her limits, she's been dealing with this curse for 30 years!

Meanwhile, Lilith has been dealing with the curse for... a few weeks, at most? Unless you count dealing with the guilt of cursing Eda as part of that. We see that she's quite unaware of the effects of the curse, as she experienced some symptoms for the first time this very day. She essentially gets told to take an elixir if she starts feeling stressed, and then is left in the house to stew in her guilt and insecurity all day.

Gwen's lukewarm greeting, and the realization that she's paid consistent visits to Eda over the years, is enough to send Lilith into a downward spiral. She starts stress-eating ice cream, and makes cruel comments about King's dad abandoning him (a clear case of projection, and I don't think he really internalizes it after this episode, but seriously that's no way to talk to your 8-year-old nephew), and unfortunately the only voice of reason around is Hooty. Well, he tried.

I want to note here that she doesn't cry. She mopes, she complains, she gets rude and cynical; these are all things we've seen her do before. But she doesn't allow herself to honestly express her feelings, her wants and needs. What's she gonna say? "Hey Mom, can you please pay attention to me?" You can't just ask for things like that. And she's a grown adult, she's more mature than this. She was the head of the Emperor's Coven, for Titan's sake. Didn't she get enough attention there to last a lifetime? And didn't she learn how to repress all her useless emotions and craft a perfect persona to hide behind until she could no longer tell the mask from her face?

She realizes she's indulged her worst thoughts a little too hard when the feathers start popping up, and goes to take an elixir and calm down...

And there are no elixirs.

And she panics. She has no coping strategies for this. She doesn't even know what's going to happen to her, only that it's going to be really, really bad.

It has to be terrifying, and painful... and maybe, just a little bit deserved? This is the fate she forced upon Eda, after all.

We don't see any signs that she damaged the house after she turned, unlike the havoc Eda caused back in The Intruder. King runs to get help, because Eda or Luz would know what to do better than he does, and Raven Beast Lilith seems to pursue him, but she's not after him. She goes after Eda directly. There is no distraction (King also notes that light glyphs had no effect on her), there is no behaviour that can be explained as animal instinct. There is a violent, visceral anger, and instead of addressing its source, she flies out there to take it out on Eda.

This is why I don't buy the interpretation that Gwen started favouring Eda only after the curse. By that point, Lilith was an older teenager almost out of the house, and it's completely reasonable for the parents to be focusing more on the younger kid with a new mysterious illness. I think Eda was always the favourite, or at least got more attention in ways that made Lilith feel overlooked. Part of it was that Eda got in trouble more, whereas Lilith was usually quiet and well-behaved, so everyone just decided that Eda needed more help (which she didn't necessarily want) and Lilith needed none. Lilith got very good at needing nothing. So good that instead of talking to her sister about their impending duel, she decided to curse her in the dead of night instead. And then to keep it a secret until she found a way to undo it, because she never wants to upset anyone or cause a scene. And then to give 30 years of her life to an evil man's crooked system for nothing—less than nothing, she's only going to realize later.

Lilith's breakdown isn't about the fact Gwen is paying attention to Eda again. That's just the trigger for a lifetime of repressed emotions bursting to the surface all at once, and it's been coming for a while.

The Owl Beast seems to be mostly defending herself. At a few points she tries to flee, but the Raven Beast catches her. The Raven Beast is malicious, with exaggerated expressions of rage and what can only be described as cruel glee when she inflicts pain. This seems to come out of nowhere... but only if you haven't been paying attention to Lilith.

We know what Lilith is like at her worst. It wasn't even that long ago she threatened Luz's life in order to capture Eda. All while convinced that she was doing the right thing. She doesn't even have that shield now. She doesn't have much of anything, really, except her sister who refused to leave her out in the cold even after everything she's done. And this is how she repays that trust...?

We also know that Lilith wasn't in control of her actions as the Raven Beast. But that doesn't mean the beast was just doing beast things. I believe it was acting directly on Lilith's intrusive thoughts. Hurting Eda was her greatest shame, and the idea that she could do it again is a constant fear that she has. Unlike Eda, who has long been seen by others as a monster and had to fight her internalized shame about it, Lilith considers herself a monster while everyone around her is unaware of her inner turmoil. She's afraid of herself; she thinks her feelings are ugly and violent and unmanageable. And so that's what they became.

There was a sequence in the storyboards that was cut from the episode, presumably for time, where Gwendolyn tries to use a beastkeeping spell in order to communicate with her beast-daughters. It proves completely ineffective, so she goes to plan B, which is just trying to talk to them like a normal person (also in the boards, Gwen summons firebees to lift roof tiles for her to walk on, which I'm glad got changed to the tiles themselves being flying creatures. it's less distracting). There was something really affecting about watching her try to do things her own way one last time before finally admitting that she's failed the both of them. It painted the picture of this whole family who never talk about anything that's difficult or painful.

Then the scene plays out the way it does: Gwen's words get through to Eda, and allow her to finally face the beast and have an important revelation about herself.

And Lilith? Well, for all the violence she just showed, she breaks down in tears the second she is shown loving care.

When they've changed back, her anger is gone. There is no sign of the monster; there is only a sad, lonely woman who hasn't allowed herself to cry in so long that she almost forgot how. But she's safe now, and she's seen, and she's allowed this healthy expression of emotion. She collapses in the arms of her mother and sister.

After this, Lilith and Gwen had an off-screen conversation, where Lilith admitted she was the one to curse Eda, and decided that she was going to move back home. I could write a whole other post on that first point, but we've reached the end of the episode. I think a major reason why Lilith wanted to stay with mom and dad instead of with Eda is because she's afraid of hurting Eda again. Any time the curse acts up, she becomes a danger to the people around her, but especially to Eda, because of how much of her energy and guilt and shame has been focused around Eda over the years. She needs some time away while she figures out how to deal with the curse, to recover and build up her own identity. And of course, to build the relationship with her parents that she needed as a kid. Better late than never.

THAT LATEST EPISODEEEE

Okay okay I have many thoughts and I apologise if this is gonna end up very incoherent and disjointed but I NEED TO TALK ABOUT IT BECAUSE AHHHHH

You know what the episode did very well (the writers, man)? Make the audience feel like they're taking crazy pills. There's this almost cognitive dissonance from the rest of the squad (Charles esp) with the way they say and behave because as Rogue stated "none of you were there". This is SO good in showcasing that you can be as understanding as you want, be literally a part of the same group... and STILL it's not enough because you didn't have the (in this case unfortunate) exact experience. The previous episode is a great addendum to this. The rest of humanity's (majorly the big wigs of course but you get what i mean) scared and at worst callous and apathetic reaction to the genocide. They're not scared because of what happened to those mutants, they're scared because of what Magneto would do in retaliation. Cooper is another example of how much actual experience can wholly change a person. She's not a mutant... but she was THERE. Erik and Rogue were there... right in the middle of it. How does anyone expect SOMETHING to not happen. You know who else saw what happened? Us, the audience. The latest episode felt frustrating and cathartic in the best way. It felt like decades of repressed righteous anger spilling in the most messiest manner, but it's OUT there. It needed to be said. Rogue's rant at the group before joining Erik, Erik's iconic "SHUT UP" line (yo lemme tell you istg i said the EXACT thing after that drivel Charles said). That's another thing that was so well done. Showcasing that no matter how well meaning Charles is... sometimes it feels like the dude's not LISTENING (Erik talks about watching a child be eviscerated in front of his very eyes, and I feel like all he's getting from others is an 'aw im sorry thoughts and prayers now can you please CHILL out') and does need this slap in the face. And the consequences keep piling up (the last big thing being what happened to Logan). Nothing will ever be normal and it's sad and scary and I'm very much looking forward to what comes next.

On a small note, showing how Roberto's decision was unsure with him trying to apologise to Jubilee and then his shocked reaction at her not wanting to hear him was so sad. It truly felt like a boy who only realised how massive of a consequence he's facing but just wanting his friend back.

I'm pretty sure I had more things to say and a more thoughtful way of saying them but anyway... 10/10. VERY ANGERING AND FANTASTIC. I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE LAST EP!!!

HI!!! ✨SAME!! 💜💜💜💜 thanks for coming in kicking the door down and shouting my way cause I needed that!! My brain has been stuck on a loop with the events in E9.

I love, love, love this episode exactly because of the strong emotions it made me go through. To see the division, to see where everyone stands, to see what matters most to them: what they are going through or an ideal? It. Was. So. Good! It was skin itching to see it at the same time. Each episode has continued to take me by surprise and go beyond my expectations.

I love how well the writers have been able to portray the difference between people who have been through horrible events, and those who have seen them ‘on screen’. Remember in episode 7 when Amelia said 'a survivor is the last thing I’d wanna be.’? Now it resonates even more than ever. It’s poetry. And yes, Cooper isn’t just someone who ‘saw it Magneto’s way’. No. She was one of the perpetrators caught in the middle.

So that when Scott goes around saying ‘Magneto is responsible for this.’ When Wolverine is out for blood - it should make you angry cause it feels like the crimes that Bastion has orchestrated are secondary to the X-men's agenda of 'righting a wrong'. Bastion is just a battle, another villain they need to defeat. But the call was coming from inside the house all along.

I’ve seen people online saying that this episode did Magneto dirty. But I think it’s the opposite. Magneto had always been capable of awful things in his pain and anger, but that’s not the point the writers are trying to make. The name of the episodes is ‘Tolerance is extinction’ - the whole point is to put the viewer in the uncomfortable position of understanding Magneto’s anger, but knowing his actions have big consequences, all the while making you lose your mind at how backwards and ignorant Charles' side seems. People are dying because ultimately his dream is more important than the people the dream is made for. And Rogue and Magneto are calling him out on it. The beauty of it is that Charles is preaching an ethical way where everyone matters, but how entitled and arrogant he must come across when everyone else around him is just ‘sacrifices he is willing to make’ for the sake of an ideal. It’s beautiful and awful that the cry for battle and survival is coming from the mouth of those that have nothing left but violence in them, while the champions of the just offer shackles and tell those that suffer to endure more for the greater good.

Yes this episode is supposed to make people angry and confused. And I think it succeeds.

If there is one less positive thing to say about the show, it's the pacing. You can feel that they were forced to put everything in just 10 episodes because there are a lot of moments throughout the show that are either missing or rushed. (For ex. in this last episode I would have liked to have scene with Rogue and Roberto on Asteroid M, in a similar fashion to what we got for the two X-men squads; just a glimpse at how things are impacting them instead of immediately seeing them in a 'villain guards' roles.) But I am not going to hold it against the show; from what they've delivered it reads a lot like cuts that they needed to live with.

It has been such a pleasure over the last few episodes, seeing Ashton embrace the title of ‘hero.’ The moves that they are making are really cementing themself as a leader with a desire to positively affect the world. I love this shade on Ashton, and I can’t wait to see where it goes, though I have been struck with a somewhat worrying/exciting thought.

Not too long ago, I was reminded of Taliesin’s original plans for Percy, that plan being that his story would end tragically. Of course, we know that the story didn’t turn out that way, and Percy is now living in Whitestone with his wife and children. But it got me thinking that Caduceus’ character wasn’t designed with classic tragedy in mind, and also achieved a happy ending. Then I started to consider Mollymauk. Did Taliesin intend for the tiefling to have the tragic end he got? My gut instinct is to say no.

That's how this table came into existence:

We’ve got a missing spot, don’t we? We’re missing a character that successfully achieves its predetermined tragic ending.

Taliesin has a love for creating characters with questionable and self-destructive coping mechanisms. Percy and his affinity for making deals with demonic entities and creating weapons capable of untold destruction, Molly and his hedonism and indulgence of drugs, alcohol, and mischief, and even Caduceus’ repression and ignorance towards anything that makes him uncomfortable. Ashton Greymoore is no exception. Their anger, gambling and alcoholism are all one big coping mechanism for their childhood and chronic pain.

Part of me believes that this hero mentality has become another coping mechanism for Ashton to abuse. By stepping up, Ashton has been lifting the burden of leadership from other party members, the notable cases being Laudna, Orym, and FCG. He’s been encouraging them to explore their emotions, and ever since the Solstice, he has made himself the person they can lean on for support. Ashton wants to be a hero, even if it’s at the expense of their own well-being.

Ashton has made it clear on multiple occasions that their chronic pain is handled better under greater pressure, and soft, delicate touches cause them far more discomfort (even if the softer touches lead to less trouble in the long-term). But the problem with becoming a ‘rock’ for others is that Ashton must put himself under immense emotional pressure. While they may handle it far better in the short-term, that tactic is going to cause more damage the longer they indulge it. I feel like the lyrics of ‘Heroes' by Emmy Curie best describe my feelings on the matter:

"But you’re forgetting the thing about heroes, kid, they always have to fall"

(For the record, the song is simplistic but pretty, and I highly recommend listening to the whole thing. The lyrics apply to so many characters, and not just from Critical Role)

While I love this arc for Ashton, part of me is left wondering if Taliesin has been building up this character for the purpose of falling even further. Is Ashton going to achieve the tragic ending that Percy was deprived of? Will he be the one to occupy the final quadrant of that table?

I feel like Logan’s death really commandeers the conversation about how terrible season 4 of Veronica Mars is (understandably so it is horrific) but there’s literally SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT 😭

Veronica isn’t Veronica and Logan isn’t Logan (really NO ONE is truly in character anymore). Rob Thomas clearly has NO IDEA what healing actually looks like so Logan becomes this pop psychology stereotype with no depth or emotion and like Veronica literally says A POD PERSON. And he describes his therapy as controlling his anger so it doesn’t consume him. That might have been the move as a temporary band-aide immediately to stabilize his life after season 3 but what like 12 years later???? When season 4 starts? ABSOLUTELY NOT. Fire that therapist immediately 😭 He should be WELL into the source of his anger. Healing isn’t about control it’s about surrender and acceptance of your feelings and developing healthy coping strategies to process your newly uncovered feelings so you can live WITH them not in spite of them. There’s a reason so many “good guy” characters are so one dimensional and boring it’s because the male writers writing them literally have NO CLUE what a healthy well adjusted men act like 😭 - (Ted Lasso was so rare because we had good men writing good men)

And yes we know Logan punching people does it for Veronica but that’s because it is ALWAYS in defense of her but his safety and well being is always her number 1 priority (he pulls a gun to save her in the Fitzpatricks bar and she screams at him because she doesn’t want him to get hurt or killed in his attempt to defend her and she’s terrified). Him just punching a kitchen cabinet in rage and frustration is NOT the same thing at all and she would show concern in that situation not immediately instigate sex ROBERT.

The idea that Veronica did ZERO growing/healing/processing in those 12 years is so insulting and just not realistic - once she got space and distance she would have come out of fight or flight and been assaulted with all the repressed emotions from seasons 1-3 before law school yet somehow she’s WORSE than she was when she was younger with less stability and support and capacity to handle everything she was dealing with.

Especially after everything established in the movie!

“Are you gonna ask me if I did it?”

“I wouldn’t be here if I thought you did”

THE AMOUNT OF GROWTH THAT SHOWS IN VERONICA IS ACTUALLY INSANE. Miss never trusts anybody, suspect EVERYONE until your can verify the truth - believes Logan and Weevil AT THEIR WORD. Trusts THEIR CHANGE implicitly and picks helping Logan and Weevil BECAUSE SHE CARES not because it’s a fucking addiction as Rob tried to frame it in the movie 💀💀💀 Veronica always helped because she’s SOFT because she has a good heart and can’t help but help when she knows she can which is classic of parentified children - you believe everything is your responsibility to fix if it’s in your capability to fix. Does she get neurotic trying to solve cases? Absolutely! But that is trying to control and fix external problems as a distraction from her own. It was a coping mechanism and taking that coping mechanism away in the 9 years between season 3 and the movie would have caused serious problems for her that would have forced her to confront her issues.

Season 4 could have been Veronica having a complete break down from her always too full plate coming crumbling down trying to help and fix too much combined with logan being gone and always at risk when he is gone, Wallace bringing new life into an increasingly corrupt neptune she can’t seem to save, Mac working for Jake Kane?!!?! I would have loved If instead she was helping Mac deal with the swapped at birth thing they NEVER touched again. Combined with her dad’s health problems and Weevil falling back into his old habits. She is someone who feels responsible for everything and everyone around her because everyone blamed her for EVERYTHING when she was younger and eventually that catches up with you and THAT is what I wanted to see her strength crumble forcing her to be truly vulnerable and instead of asking for favors asking for HELP allowing her to stop acting like a woman written by a man and act like an actual adult woman BY women who actually understand that experience. Rob was SO out of his depth - his portrayal of Leanne in earlier seasons already proved that.

But that’s just one of literally 1 million possibilities that would have been better than the direction Rob chose. He managed to strip away everything we loved about ALL of his characters until they were ghosts of themselves and it makes me SO UPSET 😭 because he literally revived a show just to finish the destruction path he started in season 3, that had started to be corrected in the movie because it was so controlled by the fans.

Rob and Joss - two men who’s success was built upon a largely female audience and then their misogyny caused them to try and destroy everything their audiences loved 🙃🙃🙃🙃

louis' 2022 life is truly SO depressing he's never been less alive than he is right now. he can’t reach his books, the nature’s all fake, he can never have a thought that armand is not privy too. his meals are all controlled, his anger’s repressed, and any show of actual emotion is frowned upon. even his memories are being reshaped and kept in museum-like display cases out of his own reach. in the proces of trying to gain his love armand has literally made him a ghost :(

Note: This is unedited and I think I missed a section, I haven’t had the best week so this is what it ended up with. I might not do one of these for episode 11, even though I try to only focus on the episode at hand and not what I think may happen or any possibilities, because PromNont typically only have a few scenes I’m starting to fear I’ll have to do a lot of repeating if I do an overall analysis at the end (which is usually my style). I don’t know, we’ll see.

PromNont Episode 10

This episode once again has two promnont scenes and as usual the first scene informs the second. Both scenes are about revelation and both feature big emotional breakdowns from Nont - the first being rage and the second being anguish. Unfortunately, Nant is still in the mix of both scenes.

Rage is defined as violent, uncontrollable anger and if there is one word to describe what takes place in the opening sequence it would be that word. The timing for this reveal couldn’t be any worse. In the matter of minutes Nont has emotionally gone from thinking he was gonna have a peaceful night with Prom to discovering a secret that went against everything he thought about Prom to seeing the news about the discovery of his brother’s dead body. That bit about Prom is very important because the thing that filled their relationship with tension, Prom’s love for Nant, was the same thing that made Prom feel like a safe space when it came to the case. Who better to understand Nont’s upset, his drive, than the man in love with his brother. Though the two had a mutually beneficial relationship, Prom hadn’t let down his twin the way the Baddies had - because he was in love with him there was no way he’d have hurt him. Yet, this reveal says otherwise. The video he had seen and had such a visceral reaction to because he perceived it as violent even outside the aspect of murder, says otherwise.

I feel in the moment Nont tried to keep his rage about Nant. About how the betrayal from Prom was upon his brother, rather than focusing on how the lie was a betrayal to him. He tries to distance himself emotionally by not focusing on what Prom has done to him. On the surface I’d even say he succeeded.

When he confronts Prom it is to ask how he could hurt Nant when he was supposed to love him. When Nont has sought revenge for his brother it has always been about matching what was done to his twin - sacrificing parts of himself to meet the necessary violence required. So when he attacks Prom physically it of course is somewhat comparable to the Mask Dog video. However, I say he only succeeds on the surface because when he drags Prom across the room to see the evidence that he was the last person with his brother, he makes it clear he’s not interested in hearing explanations, he’s not interested in being rationalized out of his rage. The thing about Nont and this case is that the violence has always been negotiable, you tell him what you know about what happened to his brother and you can come out unharmed because the violence isn’t something he desires, it's used as a tool to get to the truth about his twin. But here in this moment the violence is non-negotiable, even as Prom is offering an explanation Nont doesn’t want it because he may be able to give an explanation for the clip, for Nant, but that would do nothing for the offense against Nont. So though he tries to keep the focus on Nant, his own emotion about Prom and the announcement of his brother's body snowballs everything and makes it worse. Every hit has a bout of frustration behind it and Prom is on the receiving end for all of it.

Anguish is defined as severe mental or physical pain or suffering and I think this is how I’d describe the second scene between Prom and Nont. This time the focus is on letting Nont’s emotionalism be at the surface rather than him trying to repress them to focus on what Nant suffered. No matter if consciously or subconsciously, Nont shows up at Playboyy because he hadn’t heard Prom’s explanation - there's no way he thought Playboyy was the best place to communicate with / to his dead brother, he's at Playboyy cause Prom is at Playboyy. The thing about Prom and Nont relationship conversations is there's always a lot exchanged but very little actually spoken - this sequence is no different.

Prom explains that he didn’t hurt Nant that the video was just roleplay but he doesn’t get a reaction until he confesses that he was there when Nant made the video faking his death. Prom claims that he feared telling Nont the truth about the mask because he didn't want to be misunderstood and Nont’s response is a beat silence before saying that instead Prom had rather made him the idiot for the longest while. The silence held as much communication as his rebuttal because this was a lie Prom stuck to for months, months of Nont confiding in Prom that he was uncomfortable with the things he was doing, the things he was learning about himself while on the path to finding the truth of his brother. Months of Nont being honest with Prom about everything, thinking they were of a like mind, and Prom telling him little to no truth. There in the silence is a mocking of all of Prom’s most audacious moments. Moments like giving him the gun to confront Nuth, though he knew he hadn't harmed his brother. Moments like consoling him over a brother he knew wasn’t dead. In each of their own ways, Prom and Nant made Nont and everyone else a part of a sadistic game.

And when Prom tried to apologize about not telling the truth about Nant’s disappearance because maybe Nont wouldn't have wasted time, Nont cuts him off with a concise, “Never Mind.” Nevermind because he's not interested in having THAT conversation. Maybe is such a weighted word because maybe Nont wouldn’t have wasted time. Maybe Non’t wouldn’t have subjected himself to some of the things he did to get answers. Maybe Nant could've been found alive. Maybe, maybe, maybe…Never mind because what's done is done and can’t be undone. Never mind because it doesn’t matter anyway, it can’t matter.

There's no elation after these explanations because no, Prom hadn’t hurt Nant, he’d hurt Nont. If anything he'd shown himself to be abundantly loyal to his brother even in the face of Nont breaking. Nant has always held position between them but Nont thought the bond had atleast been authentic but even that seems a waste in the face of Prom never having chosen him, never having thought of the affects on him. Everything hes done seems a waste, Prom has made a fool of him, and his brother is dead. I think he blames himself for that last bit because it was bad enough when he thought Nant wnt into hiding himself but to learn that he asked for assistance from Prom but never felt comfortable mentioning anything to him, his twin. Again its one of those things where everything is rolling into one because not only is he finding out how deeply Prom an Nant were working together in these choices but also having to question how his brother must’ve of thought of him or felt about him to not not tell him anything, to go into hiding instead of flying out to him. How he must seem as a sibling in the eyes of his twin.

Nont is exhausted, he's worn down and he’s decided he’s done. He’s already told the Baddies that he’s booked a flight home for next week and now he’s letting Prom know he’s finished. The case is closed. Or atleast it is until Prom stops Nont and tells him that he doesn’t want him to think he’s the bad guy. It is at this moment that Nont decides to carry out the case and see what led to his brother’s demise.

I say that not only because this bit of dialogue is the only thing that happens between him saying he’s done and Zouey finding him digging into the investigation again, but because this is consistent with them. This isn’t the first time we’ve seen Prom convince Nont to stay the course, Nont himself having thanked Prom for helping him maintain that goal. And while I don’t think that was Prom’s motive behind what he says, it is the only due course to make it happen. Nont may not truly think Prom has anything to do with killing his brother but with the evidence of him being the last known person to see Nant alive, with only his story to go off of, and with the list of lies between them the only way to really erase the possibility of Prom having harmed Nant and of being the bad guy is to solve the case and discover the full truth.

Even though he doesn’t turn back nor respond to Prom, the decision to continue is made right there at Playboyy. They haven't reconciled, there's so much shit between them, and yet he knows he's gonna do this for Prom, for Nant, and yes in part for himself. There's exhaustion in that cry, no one wants this to be over the way Nont does. There's heartbreak in that cry. While Prom is left with his choices, once again watching someone he cares about walk out with only the certainty that things have irrevocably changed.

Nont goes through 3 stages this episode. He starts off high energy and very active with rage. In the midsection however, he’s almost catatonic, it’s like he’s lost all will to fight. He’s broken and in anguish. In the end he’s revitalized, refocused and driven to find ish the goal of finding the truth about his brother once again. However, if the truth is gonna be something cathartic or push him further past his breaking point has yet to be seen.

While Nant faking his death and going into hiding has been on my theory list from the get go and Prom knowing Nont wasn't Nant has been set in stone for me ever since the wine episode - it wasn’t until the release of the teaser photos that I realized I hadn’t considered the possibility of Prom having helped Nant. The possibility didn’t really coincide with how I thought Nant viewed Prom which was more of an afterthought. If I had to assume anyone that he’d choose to help him in a bind I would’ve chosen Zouey who he was said to have a tight bond with and understood him the best originally. However, we don’t know how Nant felt about anyone truly because we’ve only ever gotten third party opinions of who he was and how he may have felt. Even if he did actually see Prom as an afterthought, who better to help you and carry your secret than the man who fancied himself in love with you, the man whose nose was so open he’d do anything for you? Prom…my poor idiot baby.

I wanna sum up his lesson as playing stupid games and winning silly prizes but I don’t think that would be fair or do it justice at all. There's something to be said about the way one chooses to treat others when they are not emotionally connected to them because while I can understand the desire to cling to Nont with the hopes that he’d find his brother and even somewhat of using him as a temporary replacement at first, there's always repercussions to devaluing someone - def if you later come to actually value them.

That's where Prom is now, standing in the muck of it having to face the consequences of his own actions. He understands that though which is why he doesn’t fight back in the first sequence and why he doesn’t make any big declarations in the second. Prom was never gonna be honest and tell Nont the truth even outside the aspect of loyalty to Nant. He tends to try to adapt to the other person and fit where they need / want him and then go with the flow, taking anything the other person is willing to give while allowing his mind to build a fantasy to make up for the rest. That’s what he’d done with Nant and he was no different when it came to trying to take up space in Nont’s life. Prom thinking their relationship was only to be temporary (even after coming to the realizations of his feelings being stronger for Nont) isn’t outlandish when Nont has always set the precedent for it to be so. When he’s always drawn lines and set boundaries. Of course he didn’t speak up even when he knew Nont was gonna get evidence from his father’s connections because selfishly he wanted to ride out the relationship for as long as he possibly could rather than be forthcoming and end it weeks, days, hours earlier. He was gonna take what he could while he could.

A lot of people question why Prom doesn’t seem to care that Nant is dead & question if theres still a possibility of him being the killer - as someone who has a secret murder theory for every character including Prom and even Nont, I get it considering he did start watching the news like he was waiting for a body and seems to lack big emotional expression. However, I do think there could be character traits and elements that could explain his emotional choices somewhat, including the fact that Prom has always been somewhat impassive. I’d question which character’s perspective could be used to witness him emote said grief - he doesn’t have much time with the other characters as he doesn’t even seem close to anyone outside of Nant/Nont. And emoting said grief to Nont likely seems inappropriate and a terrible idea for now considering he desires Nont romantically and his feelings for Nant has and still continues to be a tension between them. Again I also think its that one track mindedness Prom has when it comes to interest in someone. The same one track mindedness that had him devaluing Nont in place of continued loyalty to Nant is the same one track mindedness that allows him not to make his grief the focus when trying to explain himself to Nont. Similarly to the others, his grief is likely also mixed with a bit of guilt, as is the recurring theme of how the actions and inactions of those around Nant may have contributed to his death.

Afterthoughts: I’m not surprised where we leave off with Promnont this episode. In the dream sequence analysis, I’d already settled on the possibility of Prom having more than one secret to reveal and the possibility of it bringing on the separation point of their relationship. Up until that point they’d yet to experience a break in their relationship the way the other pairings had.

The question is how do they reconcile - I’m sure it’ll be quick because no one in this series stands strong they're all “my man, my man, my man" and forgive without much effort. Idk if I want Nont to make him work for it or if I just want some happy PromNont scenes since were close to the end. I still worry about them in the long run because the Nant thing has been consistent and while Prom chose Nont subconsciously during the dream that hasn’t happened on a conscious level and now with Nant ``gone” how would Nont ever come to feel Prom is wanting to move forward with him for any reason other than Nant no longer being an option.

As long as Nont has that flight booked imma be worried…I NEED my PromNont endgame. Nont need to cancel the ticket or Prom needs to buy one. Are there more surprises and twist - I can think of a possible few but I actually hope not because I just want some Promnont scenes. We know the least about these two (and Nant arguably since everything we know about him is through 3rd party opinion) and haven’t gotten much of who they would be as a pair outside of the stressors of the case.