#or i just go insane and draw two whole digital pieces in one day who knows LMAO | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

immacaria · 3 years

Text

Box of Memories

Happy belated birthday, A-Sang! Wish you all the joy and love life has reserved for you!

Almost three weeks after the actual birthday I've finally finished this thanks to my dear school (grinds teeth angrily). Anyway, this is a bit short, like almost 4k or something, and I took this insanely amount of time because of school, but it's alright I finished it now. So I hope you guys enjoy this and I can make your day a little brighter with it. As always, stay safe and healthy!

_____________________________________________________________

It was Nie Huaisang’s birthday and Jiang Cheng was more anxious than when he had to survive Nie Mingjue, Lan Xichen and Meng Yao’s shove talk one after the other. For the heavens and all above, they had been dating for four years now and met each since they were five and six! There was no reason for him to be so nervous! They passed so many birthdays, with so many presents exchanged and Jiang Cheng was still nervous. And just because he made the present with his own hands and it turned out horrible!

Like not the ‘you can’t even look at’ type of horrible, but the ‘didn’t meet my expectations exactly what immediately makes it horrible’ type of horrible. He started doing it exactly two days later after Nie Huaisang said he wanted it and guaranteed that nobody would buy it for him, exactly nine months and eight days before his birthday. He had seen it on Pinterest, in a video where a girl was making a “box of memories” (as Jiang Cheng came to call it) for her younger sister.

She had chosen their favourite memory and made something like a box of shadows to show it. There was a light bulb in the middle with various metal plates cut in the shape of the memories. When turned on, the metal plates started to revolve around the light bulb and create images on the wall, recreating the memory with the shadows. Nie Huaisang loved it and showed it to every person who he knew could give one for him or make one. Thankfully, none of them could give it right away which gave Jiang Cheng enough time to plan how he would do it.

It all began with him asking what memory he would use of all his favorites and asked what happened there, memorizing them to the heart and writing everything down the second he saw himself alone. His drawing skills weren’t as good as Nie Huaisang and Lan Xichen’s, but as long as they remained a sketch, they would do. After sketching it all, he went to Nie Mingjue and asked him to teach him how to cut the metal plates and arrange them properly in the other metal pieces. Apparently, there was a machine that did that for them, the only thing they needed to do was insert the images and the sizes of the plates and let it do what it needed to do. Which led Jiang Cheng to ask for some draw lessons from Lan Xichen and digital design from Lan Wangji, which cost several years of his life but he guessed he was bound to do everything needed for his boyfriend.

He planned everything on the little planner he bought (if it was specifically brought for that no one needed to know) and every day he ticked something off. Besides the box of memories, he wrote a letter everyday to him and hid it in the last drawer of his wardrobe under piles and piles of clothes. From Open it now to Open it when you are sixty years old and Open it when you are in doubt about us, everyday a letter for 281 days and too much ink, paper and ideas, too much feelings engraved in those. But should he regret it, knowing that it would make Nie Huaisang happy? The boy loved this kind of old, romantic things like handwritten letters, so why shouldn’t he give it to him too? Handwritten letters with little doodles on the edges of the paper and little trinkets.

At the beginning of May, Jiang Cheng started putting it all together, doing the last reviews and adjustments. Once the plates were done, he called Wei Wuxian to help with the electric part of the thing, the shameless idiot being graduated in electrical engineering somehow. He had to endure his little ramble about how he had become so romantic and how considerate of somebody else’s feelings, how he was going miles out of what everyone said was normal. It would be a lie if Jiang Cheng ever said that he wasn’t slightly proud and happy upon hearing that.

They made slow progress but the present was ready six days before the due date, which gave Jiang Cheng enough anxiety and stress for the rest of his life (good thing he took on his mother’s side of genetics and wasn’t getting any white hairs until a very, very old age). Would Nie Huaisang find out the present before his birthday? Would he hate it or love it? Would he simply be neutral about all the gifts? Would he fake liking it? What could possibly happen once he gives it to him? Would it destroy their relationship?

On March 20, Jiang Cheng was about to have a stroke or an aneurysm or both of them probably. Just some more hours and they would see if Nie Huaisang liked the present or not. Since it had been ready, the poor present had been tested countless times to see if it worked properly (it did, thank gods), changed locations incessantly while he wrote every single letter by hand before making a wooden box and putting all he had made in there. The memory box, the 281 letters and some fans he bought in the Yunmeng market that reminded him of Nie Huaisang.

Early on, he had promised Nie Huaisang that he would help him with the birthday’s decorations and preparations for everything . After that, he made a quick run to his house to take a bath and try to calm himself because he couldn’t throw up in the party, he even got time to test it again, watching as Nie Huaisang’s favourite memory of all time played on his bedroom wall. It was practically memorized by now, the way the images followed one by one in quick succession, recreating a story that he could tell even if he had amnesia.

Nie Huaisang, Nie Mingjue and their parents were the main characters in the memory. Nie Huaisang was maybe four or five years old while Nie Mingjue was something like sixteen or seventeen years old and they were travelling to the small cabin they passed the holidays. He always said that that weekend was the best one of his life, one where his entire family was together and happy, complete. This memory in particular was one where Nie Huaisang was being thrown in the air by his father to land in the arms of one of his mothers while Nie Mingjue and their second mother were suffering a heart attack. Even though there was some melancholy in his eyes, he always spoke fondly and laughed about the face his brother made when he landed on their mother’s arms and passed the rest of the weekend guaranteeing that their father wouldn’t do another one of those again.

Jiang Cheng would die as a happy man if he could make him as happy as he was on that day, even if for one day. Well, not die, he was still too young to die, but he would feel fulfilled and satisfied. So, he tried to focus on that when he stepped inside the party, clutching to the wooden box and breathing deep. He’s going to like it, he’s not going to hate me, he’s going to smile because of the present, everything is going to be fine, we are not breaking up. Okay, maybe he was a little bit paranoid and afraid of what was going to happen, but he was fine, he was going to be fine. He just needed to loosen up and enjoy the party until it was time to open the presents.

“A-Cheng!” Nie Huaisang said, throwing his arms around his neck and hiding his face in his neck. Jiang Cheng only had time to pull the box to the side to prevent him from getting hurt before putting an arm around his waist and kissing his temple. “Tell your brother to stop being mean to me on my birthday.”

“If Lan Wangji can’t control him, what makes you think I can?” He said, still holding him. “Happy birthday, Huaisang, many years of life and happiness for you.” He kissed his temple again before stepping away and showing him the present. “For you.”

“Oh, A-Cheng! You didn’t need to! You are already present enough.” He gasped, taking the box of his hands while Jiang Cheng rolled his eyes at him. He always said that but he remembered very well what he did to Jin Zixuan when the man showed up without his present. He didn’t want to be in the same ending of his fury, thank you very much.

“Yeah, yeah, whatever you say.” He rolled his eyes again, bending a little to let Nie Huaisang kiss his cheek.

“I don’t know what you gave me, but I already love it.” He smiled brightly at him, walking to the kitchen and carefully choosing a place to put it. The kitchen was loaded with presents, some big, others small, colorful wraps or black and white with an interesting pattern on it, some didn’t even had proper wraps around it. There were a lot of presents and for a moment Jiang Cheng’s brain simply went blank and decided that, for sure, there was one that topped his present. Which was nonsense, but still served to increase his stress and anxiety (once again he thanked his genetics for not getting white hairs early). “C’mon, let’s go to the living room. Da-ge is telling some story from when we were children.”

“Is he telling the green incident? Because if he is, I would rather stay in the kitchen.” And check if the other presents are better than mine so I can throw them out the window.

“Of course not! Da-ge doesn’t remember that story anymore.” He waved him off, entering the room in the exact moment Nie Mingjue said:

“Then a bucket of green paint fell into his head.” His thunderous laugh filled the room as he started to tell the amazing story of how Nie Huaisang managed to dye himself green after he dumped a whole bucket of paint on his head when he was seven years old.

“Da-ge!” He screamed, going red instantly. “What are you doing?!” He yelped, high-pitched, as he threw a cushion at him. “Shut up!”

“What? I was just talking about the green dye you did on your skin.” He laughed again, dodging the cushion and showing his tongue to him. It was strange to see a man of his size acting like that, but sincerely Jiang Cheng sometimes forgot that he too was human and (kind of) young. “Hey, Wanyin, do you want to sit here?”

“Hey, hey, hey. No stealing boyfriends on my birthday or ever, Da-ge. You already have two.” He wrapped himself around his arm, glaring at his brother. “Stop being so selfish, Da-ge.”

“Selfish? Take that back, brat, before I break your legs.” He narrowed his eyes at him, pointing a finger at him.

“It’s his birthday and you don’t get to threaten the birthday boy, Jue-ge.” Lan Xichen sighed, pulling his hand down. He was beside Nie Mingjue and sitting next to Lan Wangji, talking quietly between the two of them before the threats started rolling out.

“Stop covering him, Lan Xichen.” He turned to him as Nie Huaisang pulled him to the bench next to the window and between two high bookshelves full of sketchbooks, some completed, others completely blank.

“So, what’s your present?” He suddenly asked, playing with Jiang Cheng’s fingers.

“What? It’s a fucking surprise, A-Sang, I can’t tell you.” He spurred, furrowing his eyebrows at him.

“But, A-Cheng, yours were the heaviest of it all. What is it?” He shook his arm, doing the puppy eyes. The fucking puppy eyes.

“Don’t look at me like that. Stop, A-Sang.” He growled, avoiding looking at him. “You know I can’t take the puppy eyes.”

“A-Cheng~.” He laid ahead, searching for his eyes. And, heavens, who taught that boy that? Nie Mingjue for sure was not. Maybe Meng Yao. Yeah, definitely Meng Yao. Jiang Cheng was going to kill Meng Yao for teaching Nie Huaisang that. “Please~. I want to know.”

“Ok, ok, ok. Just one part, okay?” Jiang Cheng pushed him away, feeling the back of his neck heating up.

“From how many parts?” His eyes were shining and attentive which meant that he was probably making a million combinations on his head, comparing and guessing what he could possibly ever get him.

“I’m not going to tell you.” He scowled, taking a deep breath. “One part of your presents is fans, okay? I got you some fans.”

“Really?!” His eyebrows shot up, disappearing under his bangs. “I love fans.”

“I know, A-Sang.” He breathed out, kissing his fingers.

“But I love you more.” He smiled, leaning to kiss him lightly on the lips. “I love you so much more than the fans.” He murmured against them, hands on his neck.

“Idiot.” He chuckled, kissing him back while smiling. He always seemed to smile easily when he was near him, breath was easier too. Sincerely, Nie Huaisang just made things easier just by being near him, just his presence and, maybe, it was the reason why he wanted to do everything in his power to make him happy as he could be. “I love you too.”

“More than dogs and A-Ling?” He sat between his legs, back against his chest.

“Don’t push your luck.” He may love A-Sang, but dogs and his nephew were more important, they always brought instant happiness with them. Next to him, Nie Huaisang was chuckling quietly, pulling both of Jiang Cheng’s arms around his waist and putting his hands above before starting to talk with Meng Yao about some new exposition of them and all the technicalities involving it.

Jiang Cheng let himself fall back into the security of all the conversations around him that didn’t involve him and the warmth of Nie Huaisang on his arms and against his chest. Slowly his panic disappeared from his mind as the time passed and the presents weren’t mentioned not even once. Almost everyone was there, the only ones missing being Jin Zixuan, Jiang Yanli and their newborn Jin Ling, Jiang Cheng’s little sweetheart, who were overseas to look over the inauguration of Jiang Yanli’s new restaurant in Las Vegas (To say that Jiang Cheng was crazely proud of her would be an understatement).

Either way, no amount of time would be enough to prepare him for when Wei Wuxian and MianMian appeared in the kitchen bringing the cake and the tray of sweets. The candle was already lit up and displaying the number 23, as if nobody knew how old Nie Huaisang was. He dislocated his hands enough to clap but not remove his arm from around his waist. Nie Huaisang laughed, clapping according to the music, but sunken further on his chest, refusing to move another millimeter as his ears went adorably red.

“Happy birthday, Nie Huaisang!” Everyone screamed when the song ended, blowing confetti over them. The screams and whistles became a cacophony as Nie Huaisang blew out the candle and laughed out loud, putting both of his hands over his mouth.

“Happy birthday, Nie-xiong!” MianMian hugged him after Wen Qing, her girlfriend, took the cake from her. “Many, many years of happiness and fulfillment to you, my dear. Hope you enjoy mine and A-Qing’s present.” She winked, mischievously.

“What have you given me, MianMian?” Nie Huaisang said, eyes wide.

“Nothing you can open in front of Da-ge.” She laughed, absolutely delighted at his terrified face and Jiang Cheng’s groan. He had noticed that everyone had a tendency of calling Nie Mingjue ‘Da-ge’.

“No! You stole my idea!” Wei Wuxian complained, giving him a half-hug and equilibrating the tray of sweets on the other arm. “Many years of love and laughter, Nie-xiong, may time and life treat you well.” He fully hugged him once MianMian came back to take the tray away from him, calming Jiang Cheng’s anxiety.

“I want to see what those two gave you. No excuses.” Nie Mingjue said, serious, before crushing him in a tight hug. “Happy anniversary, didi. I’m very proud of you and what you have become. Ma, Baba and Mother would be so, so proud of you and happy for all the friends and people you have around you.” He may or may not have sniffed on that part, hiding his face on his brother’s neck.

“Thank you, Da-ge. They would be very proud of you too.” Nie Huaisang whispered back and Jiang Cheng saw him blink repeatedly to avoid the tears from falling out.

“He grew up so fast.” He mourned, resting his head on Lan Xichen’s shoulder while Meng Yao hugged and wished him a happy birthday and life. Once he was done and it was Lan Xichen’s turn, Nie Mingjue wrapped himself over him, sniffing loudly. After that, the other guests did a quick succession of ‘Happy Birthday’ and wishes for a good and long life. Not for a moment Nie Huaisang stepped away from Jiang Cheng, always at arm’s reach of his hands. Not that he had tried to pull him back when he stepped away, Jiang Cheng would never do that.

“So, A-Sang, now that all the wishes have been given and Wangji-ge and I have cut the cake. For whom is the first piece?” MianMian asked, holding a plate with a piece of cake to him.

“A-Cheng!” He quickly answered, turning to him. “For being the best boyfriend a man could ask. And not being too scared of Da-ge.”

“I’m not that scared of Mingjue-ge, but thank you, I guess.” Jiang Cheng said, taking the plate from his hands and completely refusing to look over where Nie Mingjue was.

“Woah, he didn’t even hesitate.” Wei Wuxian said, surprised. “I could swear he was going to give it to Da-ge.” That was it, Jiang Cheng was now certain that everyone, except for maybe Wen Qing, saw Nie Mingjue as an older brother. But, well, were they wrong?

“Da-ge has received many first pieces in his life. It’s A-Cheng’s time.” Nie Huaisang scrunched his nose at him before jogging to the kitchen. “C’mon people! Eat, eat! I want to open my presents!”

Jiang Cheng chuckled, starting to eat the cake as the others were doing a line to receive their own piece and, fucking hell, he understood why they wanted one. The cake was divine! It was fluffy and tasty, exploding in the mouth the moment you bite it and it wasn’t too sweet. It was possibly the best cake he ever had the pleasure to eat and by the look of the other’s face, they thought that too.

“Nie-xiong, who made the cake? I want their number.” Wei Wuxian said, pleasure written all over his face. “It’s so good!”

“Oh, it was Wangji and Da-ge.” Nie Huaisang said, pointing at them. Everyone turned their heads to them, looking in awe.

“Lan Zhan?! But he never did one of me.” Wei Wuxian complained, pouting.

“Mingjue-ge made the dough and I did the frosting and the decorations.” Lan Wangji passed a piece of cake to Wen Ning.

“And the sweets. He did the sweets too.” Nie Mingjue said, throwing one of the sweets in his mouth.

“Which are fucking marvellous!” MianMian exclaimed, doing a thumbs up for him.

“No speaking while eating.” He and Lan Xichen said in unison, without looking at her. After that everyone focused on eating the cake and the sweets. Nie Huaisang came back to sit beside Jiang Cheng, taking the sweets he didn’t like to his own plate. Most of them got a second piece and more sweets because those things were really fucking good.

“Now, the presents!” Nie Huaisang exclaimed, excited and sending Jiang Cheng’s heartbeat to space. “I’m excited.” He was jumping on his seat.

“Whose present will you open first?” Lan Xichen said, getting up and going to the kitchen.

“A-Cheng’s.” He smiled as he started to bring the presents from the kitchen. Jiang Cheng prayed that his panic weren’t showing on his face nor his anxiety because his mind was running a mile per hour.

He was going to open the present and see how horrible it was that box of memories and they would break up. Maybe not now because of the fans, but once he started reading the letters and seeing how messed up he was, it would be an endgame. No one, being in their right mind, would stay after reading those letters. Before he could be totally swallowed by his traitorous mind, he heard a scream and someone throwing themselves at him, arms around his neck.

“Thank you!” Nie Huaisang screamed in his ear, pulling him against himself. “Thank you so much!” He sounded happy, but he was crying too.

“What the fuck, Huaisang? Are you crying?” He said, trying to look at his face where it was hidden on his neck. “Why are you-...” He started, before seeing the box sitting on his lap. “Oh.”

“A-Cheng.” He whined, looking up. “Look what you did to me. I’m crying like a baby.” The tears were falling two by two, big fat tears that he did not like to see on his face. “When did you buy it?”

“I made it.” He blurted out, focused on wiping the tears.

“What?” He blinked, sniffing loudly.

“I made it. I made most of the things in the box, including the box. The only things I bought were the fans, I still don’t know how to make fans like you.” He kept wiping the tears, putting his sleeve over his nose for him to blow. “You know I’m not good with handcrafted gifts but since it’s your birthday I tried.”

“I love you so much.” Nie Huaisang hugged him again while Wei Wuxian took the box from his legs and turned it on.

“What memory did you use?” He asked and, oh yeah, Jiang Cheng never told any of them what memory he was planning to use. He instructed MianMian to turn the light off, rearranging it on the small coffee table in the center.

“One from when me and Da-ge were younger.” Nie Huaisang answered as Nie Mingjue’s eyes filled with tears at recognition. “Best present ever.” He whispered, leaning on him with a small smile on his lips and watching as the memory came to life again. Jiang Cheng smiled down at him, passing an arm over his shoulders and watching as he told the story about how Nie Mingjue, who had many comments on how it was being told, almost had a heart attack when he was seventeen.

It was, indeed, the best present ever.

28 notes · View notes

corvidiss · 2 years

Note

Clearly what's wrong with you is that you can't tell how awesome you are

Isn't there something like the development of skill and the final stage is being aware that you're great at something but the one before it is being great at something but not knowing it??you're probably at that stage

I'm bad with run on sentences sorry but I'm sure you know what I'm talking about

Gjskgkslf you know what, anon? Yeah.

It's interesting you bring that up, actually, because I have a really weird relationship with my own abilities. See, I can be borderline arrogant about it – I consider my writing skills to be bloody damn well good if I don't say so myself (I do), and I often look at my own art and go "Wow yeah that's good, I'm pretty badass at this" – but I don't usually say these things, because, well people don't like it when someone's arrogant.

But people don't like it when someone denies appreciation or their own abilities either. I think that's something a lot of us sometimes forget – that being self-deprecating about our work can be as bad as, or possibly sometimes worse than, being arrogant about it, for ourselves, and for the people who enjoy it. (Not to condone arrogance though. Self love is good, self-worship is unhealthy.)

Despite my high opinion of at least some of my creative work, I am still very dissatisfied with a lot of it – and I think that's because of the fact that I know I can do well. I look at the first doodle I've drawn in two weeks, and beat myself up because it doesn't come close to the 11-hour digital painting I produced two years ago. I write something short without a clear intention of where it's going while I'm tired and achy, and get frustrated that it doesn't compare to the polished prose I published last week, or the piece of writing I did in an exam a few years ago and somehow got full marks on.

And everything between "tired 10-minute attempt" and "My god, it's practically breathing!" makes me question myself too, because I forget that people aren't robots. We don't have a setting at which we always work; we have good days and bad days, and we have art block and plot problems, and we have insane quantities of factors playing into our ability to do things well, or even at all.

Just because you can't make yourself do the dishes, that doesn't mean you're a worthless pile of stale spaghetti.

Just because you can't draw as well as someone else yet, that doesn't mean you're not good at other things. Or that you should give up drawing.

(Another thing many people don't realise is that you can be good at things like being nice, and a lot of people don't seem to realise how much their online acquaintances appreciate them – myself included, it seems. This type of skill is just as worthwhile and just as valid and capable of making people happy. It's also a skill that mental health problems can to make you completely blind to. Your friends and mutuals might not actually hate you, you know, or find you annoying or whiny or blunt – it might just be mental illness fogging up your windscreen.)

So it's definitely worth my while reflecting on these things, and I'm glad you brought it up, because I don't do it nearly as often as I should. It really serves to just think about this now and again, to rationalise your failings and remind yourself that nobody can work at their best the whole time. And that your best now is far from what your best will be in time to come. And that you don't have to be doing your best to be doing well – that mediocre art of any kind is still something you made out of nothing, and that's so incredibly cool! And, importantly, that what you create isn't a reflection of your worth.

Also, while I think the skill development stages thing is definitely an interesting concept, I'd argue that one can learn to be aware of one's own merits before one has mastered a skill. I think it's important to do our best to see the good we're managing, even if, and especially when, we're picking out things to improve on as well. It's a long, difficult journey, especially for those who struggle with self-worth and related difficulties – but it's a truly worthwhile journey to embark on, and even the tiniest of progress along it is cause for celebration.

Good work! You're managing to give yourself credit for what you've done, even if you're not totally satisfied with the results of your efforts. You're seeing what you did right, and learning from your successes as well as your mistakes. That's progress, friend, and I'm proud of you!

Well done! You managed to look at something you've done and noticed something positive about it. It might be massively outweighed by the negatives you're seeing, but it's progress, friend, and I'm proud of you!

You did it! You managed to say thank you, or even just ":)" when someone complimented you or your work, instead of disagreeing and/or pointing out the things you hate! It was so hard for you to avoid arguing about it, and you gave it a shot and finally resisted the temptation. That's progress, friend, and I'm proud of you.

...That went on a bit of a rant; oops...

TL;DR:

I'm borderline arrogant about some of my creative work in my head, but I don't say it because people don't like arrogance.

But people don't like self-deprecation either, which can be as bad for both the creator and the appreciator to an extent.

Despite my high opinion of my work, I often beat myself up because not everything I do is my best, which is ridiculous of me tbh.

Because humans aren't perfect robots and we have bad days and art blocks and so on, and many things contributing to how well we perform at any given time, it's unreasonable to expect ourselves to do our best the whole time.

(Also, you can be good at being nice to people, etc; it doesn't have to be a creative skill you're good at. And people might not hate you as much as you think they do, because mental illnesses like to fog up your perception of that sort of thing.)

Reflecting on this sort of thing can be really helpful, because it can make you realise you were being unfair to yourself when expecting to work at high standards 24/7, or more of the time than you can.

And you don't have to have mastered a skill to notice your achievements in it; it can be a long and difficult journey to be able to see the good in your own work, but every step, however small, is an achievement, and I'm proud of you.

Thanks so much for bringing this up, anon! Sorry to ramble so much about it XD And I hope you have a good timezone!

#answered asks #asks #random thoughts #rambles #self worth #and the like #*sparkles*#long text post #tldr

2 notes · View notes

messagefromtheveins · 4 years

Text

Snooze Button

A/N: Hi! It’s been a while, I know. I’m sorry. But I’m finally back with a new fic! ... And a new obsession 🙈

Words: 1.6k

Pairing: Sebastian/Reader

Warning: smut

"Are you going to hit that snooze button another four times before you admit defeat or can we agree now that you won't go to work?" he murmured against your shoulder where he left tender kisses, the collar of the T-shirt you had stolen from him having slid off your shoulder during the night.

"You make it so hard to get out of bed," you complained, though it ended in a breathy moan as his mouth found the sensitive spot on your neck. His hands were almost sinfully exploring your back below the T-shirt, blunt nails lightly dragging along your spine that curved and arched under his touches.

Leaving tender kisses along your collar bones, he had to stop himself from smiling as he realized that you turned into putty in his hands. "Honey," he rasped in the way he knew always had you weak, not failing to notice the way you pushed even closer to him at the sound. His stubble lightly scratched your skin as he tilted his head up, teeth nibbling on your earlobe, "you make it so hard for me to let you out of bed when you look like this."

One of his hands instinctively followed the curve of your spine as you wrapped a leg over his hip, palm cupping your butt and giving it a gentle squeeze. "Like a scarecrow?" you grinned, followed by a squeak as he playfully pinched your butt.

Pulling back, he rested his head on the pillow you were sharing and looked at you with an expression in his eyes that gave you goosebumps- his hand trailing along your bare thigh certainly not making it any better. "Like the most beautiful girl I've ever laid my eyes on," he murmured, your hand that had slowly traced over his chest coming to an immediate stop. Your lips parted and he could see that despite wanting to say something playful in return, you were speechless. "I can't believe that I'm the lucky idiot who gets to see you wearing my T-shirts."

"So if I stop wearing your T-shirts to bed, you'll let me get up in the mornings?" you returned. A grin spread over his lips as he laughed, hitching your leg higher up on his waist before he rolled the two of you over.

Forearms bracing on either side of you, he kept most of his weight off you. "Unlikely," he smirked, leaning down to capture your lips in a kiss. It started with a couple of tender pecks, his lips repeatedly finding yours while your hands traced over his shoulders, feeling the muscles shift under his movements. You couldn't help but smile softly as his teeth gently nibbled on your bottom lip, tugging a little until you finally parted your lips and allowed him to deepen the kiss.

He was sporting a semi under his boxer briefs and he couldn't stop himself from rolling his hips forward as he felt your legs drawing up at his sides. The moan that you released went straight to his groin, his eyebrows furrowing in pleasure for a brief moment while he repeated the motion. Your hands moved up to tangle into his hair as he pulled away from your lips, instead chasing the sensitive spots on your neck.

Head tilting back against the pillows, you bit your bottom lip and lightly tugged on his hair as he made his way down your body, his fingers toying with the hem of the T-shirt while he placed soft pecks down your body through the fabric. Though, just when he started pushing the hem up while he placed a handful of kisses below your chest the sound of your alarm filled the quiet bedroom once more, both of you groaning in annoyance.

"Can we make a deal?" he asked and rested his chin on your ribs, watching as you grabbed your phone and silenced it again. Your eyes met his, the curiosity written in them silently telling him to continue. "You turn that off for good and I'll be quick so you get to work in time."

The way your eyebrows raised made him chuckle before the words had even left your mouth. "You? Quick?" you asked, a certain kind of disbelief lingering in your voice. It was no secret that he loved to worship your body, loving to explore every inch of you to find all the spots that drove you insane, all the spots that had you saying his name in that breathy half-moan that he adored so much.

"I can be quick!" he defended himself, though your eyebrows only raised higher in return. Shaking his head with a chuckle, he sat up on his knees between your legs and grabbed your phone, quickly turning the alarm off- because you had hit that fucking snooze button once more- before he carelessly tossed it to the free side of the bed. He could see the excitement that lingered in your eyes, knowing exactly how much you loved to challenge him.

Your hips lifted off the bed as his fingers hooked into the waistband of your panties, swiftly tugging them down your butt before your legs raised in the air, a playful grin resting on your features as he slowly peeled the piece of fabric off. He let himself get distracted for a moment as he dropped your panties aside while you placed your legs back down, spread open and curling around him.

Icy blue eyes found yours, a hand bracing beside your head as he leaned over you. Your hands reached up, palms cupping his scruffy jaw, the teasing words that lingered on your tongue vanishing in less than a heartbeat as his thumb pressed down on your clit without any warning. "Oh-" your chest arched and a quiet moan left your parted lips, barely taking note of the way his features shifted against your palms as he smirked.

He desperately wanted to take his time with you, to keep you in bed for the whole morning, to explore your body in ways that he had done so many times before and yet didn't grow tired of it. But he knew that it would be a lost battle, that he couldn't convince you to skip work today. So he figured the least he could do was to help you start your day right.

Nudging the tip of his nose against yours, he closed the gap between you and captured your lips in a soft kiss while his thumb moved in figure eights over your clit. The kiss didn't last too long as he slowly pushed a finger into you, your lips breaking away from him with a gasp. You were left breathless as you watched him shift down your body, not stopping his fingers from moving while he settled down between your legs, your thighs thrown over his shoulders as he finally dove in.

His tongue replaced his thumb, your thighs tensing as he skipped all teasing and immediately sucked and licked the bundle of nerves in all the right ways while he added a second finger. "Oh my- Seb," you whimpered, your hands in his hair again.

He was sure he'd never get tired of getting to taste you like this, to hear the sounds that left your lips when he sucked on your clit just right, to see your back arch off the bed when he crooked his fingers to find that one spot. He was achingly hard in his boxers as you tugged on his hair and gasped his name.

His fingers moved and crooked with the perfect pace that fit to his tongue rolling over and around your clit, his chin already glistening as he worked you closer and closer to your high.

Though, he was surprised just how fast he managed to throw you over the edge, his gaze shifting up to take you in as you came undone below him. Your fingers tightly held on to his hair while your chest arched, thighs trembling and breathing rapid as your walls clenched over and over around his fingers, his name falling from your lips in a broken moan.

Slumping into the mattress, you took a deep breath followed by a whine as he slowly pulled his fingers out of you, his lips placing two soft tender kisses against your swollen and sensitive clit before he pushed himself up. "Told you I can be quick," he murmured with a grin and brought his hand to his face, licking your juices off his digits while his eyes trailed down your body.

Leaning over you, he placed a lingering kiss on the side of your neck- not sure if you would want to taste yourself first thing in the morning- before he climbed off the bed. "What about you?" you mumbled and forced yourself to get out of bed, too.

You wanted to climb right back into bed and drag him with you as you caught sight of him. Standing just a few steps away from you, shirtless, his hair a beautiful mess and a suggestive smirk playing on his features. One of his hands reached down to cup himself through his boxer briefs, a whimper almost escaping your throat as you watched how he gave himself a quick squeeze. "I can wait until tonight," he told you and gave you a wink.

Forever and Ever Taglist: @waitonmedarling @hugefangirl-22 @evansweaters @learning-howto-be-myselfx3 @ultradreamologistblog @justanotherfangurl272 @my-elevenoutof10 @disaster-rose @kellymat

#sebastian stan #sebastian stan fluff #sebastian stan smut #sebastian stan blurb #sebastian stan fanfiction #sebastian stan fic #sebastian stan x reader #sebastian stan writing #writing

732 notes · View notes

starkeristheendgame · 4 years

Note

maybe unrequited!peter jerking off in tony's lab while he isn't there. esp knowing tony has cameras, security etc (ty if ur up for it!)

Okay, so I had to message you to figure out the unrequited bit, but: Here we go! I hope that you like it and that I did it justice! Thank you so much ❤️ This is literally shameless voyeurism and smut. I have literally no excuse except for the fact it was requested.

TW/Tags: (Not) unrequited love | voyeurism | Under-negotiated sexual content

People liked to joke about Tony Stark’s lack of impulse control; about his knack for bad decisions or spur-of-the-moment acts. It was funny. It was a thing. Tony could show up one day with a gold-coated camel or something and people would just roll their eyes and go ‘there he goes again’.

Peter? Peter was a kid. Easily excusable. He tried his best to think things through and to be the responsible adult he was trying to convince everyone else he was. And he felt he did a good job. Sure, here and there he might have fucked up a little or jumped into action when he ought to have stepped back and thought a little more.

But if anything, people put those moments down to one of two things: ‘Oh, he’s just a kid. They do that.’‘Too much time around Tony, that’s what that is. Taking after his mentor.’

Tony could not, at all, be blamed for this. Nor, really, could the fact that he was younger. Not when ‘this’ was being splayed on Tony’s main workbench, head thrown back, legs apart like a whore, one hand shoved down into his boxers. Really, it couldn’t be blamed on anything except Peter and Peter’s desperate love and need for Tony.

“F-Fuck. Bad idea. This is a bad idea,” he ground out, squeezing his eyes shut as he ran his thumb slowly over the slit of his cock, thighs trembling. The pleasure was a low, slow burn in his gut. He hadn’t been touching himself long. Hadn’t meant to be touching himself at all.

It was the videos that had done it, and the suits. God, the suits. Tall and imposing, lending Tony bulk and strength enough to compete with Peter’s abilities. And that was not to disregard the formal Tom Ford’s and the Gucci two-pieces. The sharp lines and soft fabric that made Tony equally as imposing as the metal.

“J-JARVIS. How long until Tony returns?” Peter whimpered, curling onto his side like he was wounded as his cock jerked in his grip, dribbling a glob of cum into the silk fabric of his boxers. Boxers that Tony had bought him not even a month ago, as part of a sleek suit for the 2019 World Trust Fund Gala.

“Based upon my estimate, you have roughly two hours and thirteen minutes before Sir is likely to return.” JARVIS sounded prim, indifferent to the fact that Peter was touching himself. It made Peter glad for the fact that JARVIS was code, and not a real Butler. It would have been significantly more awkward to ask such a thing in his current state.

He gave a jerky nod, rolling over onto his back and letting his hips rut up against his hand and forearm with a shaky groan. The scent of Tony’s aftershave was still lingering, mingled with oil and metal. The husk of his words as he told Peter he’d back soon, to stay as long as he liked. The squeeze of Tony’s hand on his hip.

Peter knew it was just Tony. Knew that intimately taking a person apart and flirting and using body language was just coded into him at this point. That the brushed of his knuckles between Peter’s shoulders didn’t meant the same as when he did it to the attractive news caster at whatever world-saving event had happened then.

“I should stop,” he mewled into his arm, slowing the rocky movements of his hips for all of four seconds. He should. He ought to. This was wrong. Jerking off over a man who saw him as a son. In his own workshop.

“Fuck.”

It was a statement he repeated when he let his arm fall away, and found that he was staring straight up into one of the cameras that littered the space, designed to capture Tony’s movements and experiments and breakthroughs. The lens shifted minutely within the frame, focusing. Peter knew it was automated, but he still gasped, spine arching as pleasure stabbed between his thighs.

He was being recorded. On camera, right now, was a digital copy of him, with his hand around his cock and his mentor’s name on his tongue. He lay trembling on the workbench, gaze fixed on the camera, hand still moving in tiny little twitches over his sensitive dick.

Tony wouldn’t see it. Peter could scrub the footage the moment he was done. Tony wasn’t looking at the cameras, he was too busy schmoozing pretty ladies and promoting Stark Industries latest clean energy movement.

But Peter could pretend.

“S-So hard. Mr. Stark. Its so hard. I can’t help myself,” he murmured, feeling both aroused and stupid as he begun to fuck into his fist again, imagining that Tony was actually there. In the penthouse, perhaps. Cradling a neat whiskey, dark gaze on the camera screens. Watching him.

“I - I want you to touch me, Mr. Stark. I need you to touch me. I’m not enough. Need your hands. Your mouth. Your c-cock,” Peter threw his head back on the last word, hips stuttering into his tight grip as his other reached down, shakily pulling part his belt and his jeans to squirm them down around his thighs, flushed skin lay bare for the camera.

For the Tony in his mind.

He lost the ability to speak for a short while, lost in the desperation of his fingers squeezing his pulsing cock, the dripping cum that soaked his hip and pooled on the bench below him. The clouded haze of pleasure. He was getting closer. He felt so dirty, so wrong, and yet…

“Feels so good. Thinking about you. You watching me. Not as good as you being here. But good. M’gonna - Fucking myself to the thought of you, Mr. Stark. Though you should be fucking me. Right now. B-Buried so deep,” he cried into his forearm, whole body ignited with desire, pleasure.

He was so close. He could feel his cock getting even harder, could feel his thighs burning with the effort of not cumming, the hot slide of pleasure through his veins. “G-Gonna cum, Mr. Stark. All over myself. All over your workspace. That’d be naughty of me,” he muttered, gaze locked on the camera, thumb digging into the slit.

He was about to cum. About to fall into the crescendo of pleasure, to submit to the vision of Tony’s hands all over him, his voice low in his ear, his cock balls-deep. He almost snapped himself in half when the Mark L powered up on the opposite wall, eyes igniting a glacial blue, head turning an inch to focus on him.

He scrambled onto his elbows, knees drawing towards his stomach with a yell as the suit took a slow, calculated step off its podium, like it was testing the ability to walk. And then it begun to stride towards him with purpose, thunk-thunk-thunk on the workshop floor. Peter tried to scramble further across the space, but the suit was faster.

It caught him by the ankle, indifferent and emotionless as it dragged him half-naked and still hard down the bench, other hand reaching to find his shoulder. He let out a terrified cry as it flipped him, careful and quick.

On his stomach it dragged him closer, until he slid mostly off the bench, folded over the edge of it and cock trapped painfully between the edge and his hip.

“JARVIS! What the- Help me!” he cried, but the room around him remained silent as the Mark L grasped his wrists tightly and stepped closer, until it pinned him there. In such a position he couldn’t gather himself enough to break free, writhing like an angry snake in its grasp, spitting a variety of terrified pleas and creative curses.

He didn’t even hear the workshop door open. Had fallen limp and exhausted in the suits grip, still half-hard. Knew nothing of his companion until the suit’s fingers flexed, until warm, living ones slid around the space they had held as they withdrew.

Peter jerked in surprise when the cold, hard body was replaced by a warm one, soft fabric against the bare swell of his ass.

“Y’know. Its mighty rude to jerk off in another man’s workshop. Especially without inviting him.”

Tony.

But of course, who else could it be?

Mortified, Peter twisted in the space Tony allowed him, looking wildly up into dark, calculating eyes that softened at the sight of him, grip loosening. “Oh, Peter. I didn’t mean to - I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have scared you. I just wanted to stop you from finishing before I could get here.”

Peter’s brain short-circuited, a definitive blank space as he blinked wet eyes at Tony, trembling in his hold, hips tilted away to hide his shame. “Y-You… What?” he rasped, fingers flexing against the edge of the workbench.

What kinda sick punishment was that? Cockblocked as well as whatever horrific intentions Tony had for him?

“All those things you were saying, Peter. Drove me insane. You’re right. Fuck, we shouldn’t. But you’re right,” Tony breathed against his jaw, thumb stroking the inside of his wrist as he ducked down, pressed gentle kisses along Peter’s cheek and jaw, soothing.

“You should stop me. But I really hope that you don’t. I couldn’t - Seeing you like that. Calling out my name while you touch yourself. In my space.”

“You’re not mad?” Peter managed weakly, limp in Tony’s hold, unable to compute anything beyond what was immediately happening. Tony’s lips on his skin, stubble scraping, his voice a rough thrum in Peter’s ear.

“Mad? Sweetheart. Only thing I’m mad about is how guilty I know I’ll feel after this. But… I can’t help myself. I’m a glutton. I’m shameless. At least in the moment. God, kid. I’ll hate myself for this. But I’ll hate myself more if I don’t,” Tony rasped into his ear, fingers stroking along his arms, body inching closer until Tony’s hard cock was insistent against his ass, the scrape of fabric and zipper biting into his cheek.

“Don’t - Don’t hate yourself. Please. Mr. Stark just…Touch me? Please. I need you to touch me.”

Tony obliged with the scrape of teeth against his jugular, hips grinding forwards gently, coaxing Peter into peeling himself from the edge of the table, to allow his poor dick some room to breathe. It ached, both from its entrapment and how dizzyingly hard he was.

“No idea what you looked like, kiddo. When JARVIS said you were calling for me… Thought you’d hurt yourself or something. Damn near activated the suit there and then, sweetheart. When I saw you… What you were doing…”

Tony trailed off, hand making a slow and sure path down his body, fingertips digging into his hip before finally, finally wrapping long fingers around his cock.

Peter jerked in his grip, head tossing back and almost taking Tony out as he shook, biting hard on his lip to stave off the need to cum as Tony squeezed him gently, exploring. The tip of his thumb pressed against the sensitive underside of his tip and he mewled, ground back against Tony’s arched body.

“You were watching me.”

“JARVIS told me you were in a ‘predicament’ and calling out my name. God, Peter. Thought you were in pain. Not pleasure. Staring straight up at the camera. Fuck; did you know? Were you asking?” Tony ground out, rough and debauched against his shoulder.

“N-No. Thought… Was fantasising. Pretending. I didn’t know,” Peter answered honestly, shaky and high. Tony stroked him harder, rougher, hips steady against the backs of Peter’s thighs as they ground together. Tony cooed softly at him, moved a hand to pet at his hair gently, to wipe under his eyes.

“Oh, sweetheart. I’m going to show you the real thing. It’s so much better.”

#fanfic #starker fic #starker fanfic #starker fanfiction #starker canon #cc #cu #cuc #ironspider #ironspider fic #ironspider fanfic #ironspider fanfiction #ironspider smut #starker smut #tony stark/peter parker #peter parker/tony stark #tony stark x peter parker #peter parker x tony stark #sie fics

440 notes · View notes

ravenwolfie97 · 3 years

Text

2020 Art Summary

Yep, it’s 2021 already. 2020 is finally over. It felt like it lasted forever, and it felt like the end would never come, but here we are. Crazy how the time flew by.

I felt like I didn’t get much art done this year because of Current World Event, but I made a lot more than I thought I did. Even some of my new favorite pieces came out of this year, so I think that’s worth celebrating and looking back upon!

I was insanely productive during the first month of 2020, and looking back I was surprised at all the stuff I did, but then I remembered that that winter season was actually one of the best times of my life! I started being more socially involved, and I think my newfound drive at the time translated into all the art I pumped out this month. This is just a small fraction of what I made in January, but I only have so much space. Quite a few complex pieces in both style exploration and polishing my own style.

Apparently February was a rather intimate month. Things began to slow down in terms of my own art here, with me spending more time in social settings and school work ramping up, I didn’t have as much time to coop up in my room to draw. I did wanna do something for a friend’s Valentine’s Day OC art challenge, so I drew my lovey-dovey couple from Dance of 1000 Words havin’ a dance. Nothing actually came of that challenge, but it was fun to do regardless.

One of the things I was most proud of in the winter season was making more friends, and one of the closest friends I made was completely coincidental. I met a person named Kiri on the bus one night I decided to volunteer somewhere by myself, and we ended up chatting and getting along. They quickly told me their tumblr username, and I shot them a message immediately after they left. A couple days later, we met up for brunch, and we started becoming really close friends and creative partners!

Not much else happened in March cuz that’s when Current World Event started becoming an issue, but Kiri and I still kept in close touch and we randomly started developing a concept for a Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Galar Edition. These are a handful of characters we thought up, with Skipper the Scorbunny and Dross the Dreepy as the main characters, Morgrem as the main antagonist, and some shopkeepers such as those of the Greedent Bank and the Indeedee General Store. This was also my first time drawing all of these Galar Pokemon (except Scorbunny, but I also made Skipper a bit more unique than a regular Scorbunny).

Lots of events happened this month. First of all, Steven Universe Future ended, one of my favorite and most influential shows was no longer continuing. I had to do something as tribute, both as a send-off to one of the greatest cartoons in the world and as a cathartic release for my feelings towards it.

A while later, I got the opportunity to start playing an MMO in beta called Fer.al, by the same people who made Animal Jam, which coincidentally I had also beta tested for back in the day. I ended up getting really attached to my first character, a Senri I named Sasha, and though I’ve made more characters than them since, they’re still my absolute favorite. Though I haven’t touched the game in a few months, I was really engrossed for a long time and enjoyed playing through the beta and early access phases.

At the end of the month, some friends of mine invited to a roleplay group with some mutuals, and we all played characters in a crime syndicate. Just a bunch of ragtag thieves and criminals who ended up together in order to protect an artifact called the Crown of Thieves, which was essentially a flag to be taken by other groups to prove that they are the best thieves in the land. My character was based heavily on my sona (if it wasn’t obvious) and was also influenced by Cloud Strife, since the FFVII Remake had just come out and I was super into watching the cutscenes at the time. My character’s (code)name is Valkyrie, and they are a mercenary, going between multiple different employers to carry out whatever duties they need to do. They have a more complicated backstory, but presently they were recently hired by recommendation of their friend Shark (played by @shmoots-universe who is also My friend now ily maya) who works with a group called the Court Cards who are currently in possession of the Crown of Thieves. Valk never really had a place to call home, but staying with this group of people had to be the closest they could get to that feeling. They still sleep with a knife under their pillow because of trust issue but that’s okay.

Okay, so technically these examples started in April, but I continued making content with them in May, and the month was just pretty void of art in general, so here I am addressing them.

There were two main things I worked on this month: a Steven Universe AU of my own and the whole #sixfanarts thing that kicked off around then. Let’s start with the fanart bits. I did two and a half of them (six in April and nine in May), and it was so much fun to be able to draw stuff I don’t normally do! My personal favorites are shown here: Blake Belladonna from RWBY, Roll from Megaman, Yuki Konno from Sword Art Online, and Link from The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess. The other thing I’d been planning for a while was a Steven Universe AU, probably to cope with the show being over but also because I was inspired by a lot of those SU AU artists I started following at the time. I won’t share the details here because it’s gonna have its own blog at some point, but the example I’ve shown here is of a comic I made loosely in order to introduce a divergence in the plot of the story as well as introduce a character unique to my AU. It was a lot of fun figuring out how to draw the characters and get a feel for the style.

As the year progressed, my amount of art I made per month began to dwindle, this time mostly because school was kicking my ass especially hard with finals. However, I took what time I had to get some backburner pieces finished, like the Tigerlily picture which I sketched out a couple months back, and the Gunvolt picture which I started working on SIX YEARS AGO. I don’t quite know why I got the urge to work on it again after so long, but it was nice to finally realize. The other drawing for DOTS was done in the dead of night but I was really happy with how it came out.

Despite only having two summer classes left of school, this month was really rough because they demanded a lot of my time and attention. I did not have the gumption to do anything digital, so I stuck to my sketchbook to get out what I felt like getting out.

My friends and I did a stream of the game Helltaker, and I really enjoyed the concept, so in following my friends I made my own Helltaker demon OC named Raksha the Ravenous Demon (it’s a pun but also got mythical insp). I also got super into Hazbin Hotel at this point, mostly because the Addict music video dropped and I couldn’t get enough of it, so I doodled Angel Dust cuz I felt like it. The other drawing I did was actually a free commission I gave a friend of mine as a prize for a trivia game show I ran back in June. He along with a couple other friends got some free drawings from me for getting the top three scores, and this one in particular was fun because of how interesting it was. He wanted me to draw a video game reviewer called the Irate Gamer from a specific moment, and I decided to go ham and just make it as dramatic as possible.

University classes finally wrapped up and right after that I was in the process of moving out of my apartment and getting adjusted to living with my parents again. I did a couple of agg.io drawing sessions with my friends from the Court Cards group as well as a new Dungeons and Dragons homebrew group I had joined. I drew some more of Valkyrie and came up with a design for my DND character Qakuqtuq (or Kai for short). He is monkey grandpa and I love him.

My main focus was on finishing a polished piece for my friend Cake, whose birthday was in the upcoming month. I wanted it to be as amazing as possible, so I put a lot of time into getting more detailed and making them look good. In addition to that, I did a few TOME doodles just for fun. The creature on the bottom was for this month’s art challenge on my Discord server where we made original TOMERPG monsters, and I created Hundylow, a Crystal-element monster based on the Grindylow from English folklore.

This month was a lot more productive than the past few had been. I tried to do a 31-day art challenge called Creatober but failed to get past the third prompt because I was still swamped with other work. I’m still happy with what little I did, including the piece with my characters Kyle and Guarudan from DSWD.

I don’t remember how, but I also suddenly rediscovered an old Flipnote Hatena series called Tales of LostClan, a Warriors fan series that I would say was the most obscure thing I’ve ever been super invested in. It was what got me into the actual Warriors books, and I liked it so much I redrew the animations into a comic... twice. Didn’t get nearly as far the second time but clearly my love for this little fanfiction had not waned after nearly a decade. I felt like drawing a book cover/movie poster for the series, just to get it out there and see how much I’ve improved over all that time.

Also I felt like making a vampiresona just before Halloween because I never dress up for Halloween in art (or real life anymore, for that matter), and I wanted to do something like that for once. It was short-lived but I really liked the design!

The focus of this month was definitely on Pokemon stuff. As per usual I contributed to the current Gotta Draw ‘Em All collab, and I was tasked to draw Regieleki. It was really fun to figure out how to make it stand out and look like it was made of electricity.

I also committed a lot of my spare time to my Fakemon Gym Leaders, as I had been working on bringing them to life in the past year or so now. As of this post, I’ve finished rendering their full body poses and gym badges, but I’m still working on completing all eight VS portraits, the first half of which are shown here.

I... didn’t draw anything this month, actually. What I’m showing here was worked on in the last few days but has actually been in progress for a couple of months, and I just finished it earlier today, in 2021. But I needed to show something off, and it’s also about time I mentioned it.

Back in October, I kept seeing people rave about this game called Genshin Impact, and I was interested but not so much as to start playing it... until my friends started playing and I was like “fuck it, let’s download it”. Since that day, I have been super immersed and in love with this game, to the point I came up with my own canon based on my gameplay experiences. This also included the creation of an original player character: Astra, the non-binary Traveller. And now, I’ve finally drawn them and brought them to life.

It has been one hell of a year. I had some of the highest highs and lowest lows in 2020, lots of changes, and I have now officially moved onto the next chapter of my life now that my time at university is finally over. I’m very excited for what 2021 has to offer, and I’m going to go forward with great ambition.

#my art stuff #art summary #this is always a joy to do every year and i'm glad to keep up the tradition for the sixth year in a row #this year was super good for this as well just to look back on what i was actually able to accomplish #long post #tome #hazbin hotel

9 notes · View notes

windandwater · 4 years

Text

When my grandfather on my dad’s side passed away, I wrote up a piece with just one family story after another about the experience. I can’t really do the same thing in the same way this time, but I am finding that, in every death, family draws tighter together and tells stories to each other almost on instinct, finding common ground around this one person who shaped us.

Here are some stories that have come out of the last few weeks.

I will warn you that the story of my mom’s family has a dark side—her biological mother was physically, emotionally, and psychologically abusive. My grandfather was the one who saved his children from her and thus I can’t speak of him without speaking of her as well. I ended up only telling one story that involves her and it has a content warning at the beginning as well as a note for when the story ends.

In his eulogy, my step-uncle said that my grandfather, his stepfather, taught him that “family isn’t about biology. It’s about love.”

Well, he was the one who taught me that too, only not because I had crappy parents. Until he remarried, mom had a crappy parent and a good parent, and the good parent held the family together and shaped us in ways that I’m still only beginning to find out.

CW CHILD ABUSE

(Note: I’m referring to her as my mom’s bio-mom or by her initials, NW.)

The custody battle was brutal, and it went all the way to the state supreme court. Fathers didn’t get custody back then—my mom says “abuse” wasn’t even in the lexicon in the initial court cases.

We found this out because my brother & his girlfriend googled my grandfather and this is what came up. They read the deposition and initially my brother was uncomfortable with her seeing it, but my mom said it grazed the surface—and as I told him, the only reason I don’t going around telling people that my mom’s bio mom did stuff like frequently sprain her wrist from beating them is that it’s not exactly the kind of thing you dump on people without warning, not because it’s a secret or because my mom doesn’t want me to talk about it.

I’ve known for a long time that when I was really little, my mom once found herself with her hands around my throat, freaked the fuck out, and from that moment had to second guess every inch of her parenting and her actions around us, because she had no instincts to fall back on. I didn’t need to read “choking her eldest daughter” as an example of abuse in a court case to know that that happened to my mom.

Anyway, the psychological abuse always scared me more. Because my mom won’t talk about it much.

END CW

Apparently, even though moms are perfect angels who should always get child custody and can do no wrong to children, word was getting around about her and someone offered to “take care of the problem” for $150.

My grandfather never would’ve said yes to that, and he decided to try the legal route first. But he was ready to take the kids and run, if he didn’t get custody. Leave his job, fake name, move to Phoenix, everything. I’m beyond thankful that didn’t have to happen but also beyond relieved that he was ready to.

He never spoke a single ill word about NW.

I was very disappointed about missing the funeral in person. I was hoping they’d have it after my ankle surgery so I could at least be propped up in a corner somewhere, high on Vicodin maybe, but there.

Honestly I’m disappointed about a lot of things this month.

The day before the funeral, my dad came in with a picture showing me the outside of the house. There was a rainbow. A little one, but a rainbow.

I of course dragged my ass out of my sickbed, hopped my way out there, and made him set up a chair so I could see it too.

There’s a reason I run a side blog of rainbows. There’s a personal & private story there, but what you need to know is that in dark moments, I often look for rainbows or have literal rainbows sent my way. They bring me hope every time. I sat outside, foot hurting and sweating all over from the heat, watching the rainbow fade, knowing it was going to be okay.

I haven’t always gotten along with my cousins on that side of the family. They grew up in Louisiana and are much closer to each other, so there’s a lot of gaps to bridge and we taller, dark-haired city people from Yankee land who clung close to each other and weren’t used to big families always kind of stuck out a bit among the short blondes who had always lived in the South in a big insane group of cousins and step-cousins.

We’ve gotten closer more recently. It’s trendy to hate on your family on facebook, but interacting on social media has given me some separation between the stuff that makes me roll my eyes about my cousins and the stuff that endears me to them.

And it was through facebook that we came together because of one simple fact: we all had the same, terrible morning.

We all woke up first thing to our moms, broken in half themselves, breaking our hearts too.

I get told that I laugh and smile a lot. Sometimes I’m even told that in non-creepy ways! And it’s true. I sometimes think I exist moment to moment trying to find something new to make me laugh. I learned that from my parents, who will watch or listen to just about anything if it’s funny. I learned to tell stories from them too, to take all my experiences and find the good the bad and the funny in everything.

My mom is my best audience. She laughs like a hyena at all my stories, my good lines and my bad lines. She’ll laugh at jokes that I *know* aren’t funny, at the ones that I think are hilarious but no one else laughed at, and she laughs the hardest of all at the jokes I’m extremely proud of and that land really well nearly every time.

Her whole family’s like that. Head thrown back, laughing hysterically, whole conversations just an excuse to try and make each other laugh.

Her dad, too. Just as loud and as hard as the rest of them. He had a giggle, and also a cackle. He used to give points when someone said something particularly funny, let out a really good zinger, or “won” a round of conversation. He’d just grin, solemnly lick his finger, and draw a “1” in the air.

He liked pranks. I’ve told story after story on my blog about how my family likes to mess with each other at Christmas. My mom’s saying is that “there’s no such thing as a lie at Christmas”, meaning that your gift is late or it wasn’t in stock or we can’t do it this year, I haven’t found a gift for you so you’re just getting candy? Not lies.

Except it’s not her saying. It’s his.

Anything that arrives at the house in December gets wrapped up and put under the tree; it’s automatically a gift. You think that trick of wrapping things in progressively smaller boxes is a prank? Amateur hour. I’ve wrapped up individual pieces of candy, individual matryoshka dolls, and yes, the smallest git in the largest box but also filled the box with packing peanuts to make it extra annoying.

I learned all of this from my mother.

But he taught it to her.

If I find hideous things to give my brother, it’s because my mom’s family rotated a Velvet Elvis, giving it to each other, for years. If my mom watched in stoic silence as my dad tore the house apart for looking something they got in Arizona that was wrapped up under the tree, it’s because someone wrapped up two huge boxes for my grandfather that he was excited to open, that turned out to be two light fixtures he’d ordered and forgotten about.

We never lost the magic of Christmas in my house. If anything it got more magical, more fun to surprise each other and find funny and creative ways to show each other how much we care. Gift giving is an art form in my family and I look forward to it every year.

It’s all because of my grandfather.

I learned so many things from my parents that they in turn learned from my grandfather. Even my dad learned a lot from him as his father-in-law, because it was impossible not to look up to him, and he was a teacher in his profession and by nature. Everyone talked so much at the funeral and afterwards about how he could fix anything, build anything, do, anything.

I was called “Tinker” at one of my old jobs for how I was always fixing everyone’s computer and the various office machinery. I didn’t necessarily know how until I sat down and looked at it. I just knew how to figure it out.

I always thought I learned that from my parents, which I guess is still true, but now I know who they passed it on to me from.

One thing I always associated with my mom was that any time she saw a pile of my necklaces in a knotted mess, she would sit down an untangle them for me. I never asked her to do that; she would just see them, and sit down and start working on them. She always got a specific look of concentration on her face as she did.

My dad and I were talking after the funeral and he mentioned my grandfather doing that exact thing in our house at ninety-something years old. He has a picture of it. I knew without seeing it exactly what the expression on his face would be.

It’s now one of my favorite pictures of him.

There was technical trouble with the Zoom funeral, which was pretty disastrous—I wasn’t the only one who wasn’t able to attend due to health & other problems. For someone so beloved, so central to the family, who we all owe so much to but don’t even think of it that way because he was so fun and easy to love…well, funerals are for the living, and not being able to be there in person hurt, bad, and I know I wasn’t the only one who felt that way. We were relying on being able to attend digitally.

But most of the world is still getting used to doing things over video, and certainly the older couple running the funeral home was a bit clueless. I, on the other hand, ran video calls (not over Zoom, but still) almost daily for 2 years while I was an admin and we had remote employees calling in to meetings. So as soon as I realized exactly what was causing the problem, I got on the phone with the funeral home and did my best to salvage what we could.

And then I pulled the recording for everyone (thank goodness it was recorded).

And then before I watched it I wrote up some instructions, with screenshots, for the funeral home for next time, because they genuinely didn’t know what to do and I wanted to make sure the next family had an easier time and if the problem is just understanding technology, I know how to help with that! I’m good at figuring out and explaining this stuff! It’s just what you do—you help people when you can! You know?

And then I watched the funeral, and listened to my uncle talk about my grandfather always fixing things, and always teaching people.

And I just broke down. Because I knew. I knew who I was.

If the legacy I carry is that of someone who can’t resist helping others by teaching and fixing problems, then may I never ever ever let go of that legacy.

My mother called me to tell me that when they realized what was going on and what I was doing, my uncles both said the same thing, that “that was Papa.”

The only good part about any of this is that I’m here with my mom right now. She talked to him all the time before he died but she didn’t get to see him, and she keeps saying things like how she wishes she could tell him the good joke she heard. She’ll casually talk about the depression she’s fighting off.

I didn’t want a broken ankle to strand me here but there are worse times to be stuck with my mom.

#grief for ts #my writing #family #my mom

7 notes · View notes

bentenharuki · 4 years

Text

I generally don’t do these but...

I will do this because it’s a badge of honor and a thank you for @todayintokyo who gives me a daily vibe out of my second fav Country in the world (first one is my own, of course. My messy, chaotic, genius Italy).

So for everyone interested (I won’t tag people either... if you are among my 250+ readers, do it as freely as you like to share this unexpected hard time along others. Sharing makes us all feel less stranded I guess :))

1. Are you staying home from work/school? Yep. My University (Milano Bicocca) holds in-house lessons and curses and also exams and testing are/will be online. What I miss most are the lab works and the exchanges with foreign schools. I took one a few months ago in London and I was supposed to have another in May but... NOPE, of course.

2. If you’re staying home, who’s there with you? I am alone in my apartment. At first it was supposed to be shared rent with somebody else but then my parents just bought this out and lent it to me. I know. I am spoiled. But very grateful for what I have. I always try to give back the best I can because no one has merits in being born in a family instead of another. (pieces of second-rate philosophy in all my LONG answers courtesy of my mum and her influence on me. She’s a University Professor and her field is.. guess what.. ETHICS PHILOSOPHY)

3. Do you have pets to keep you company? Nope. Not allowed. But I like cats. Cats. CATS. They are elegant, refined, very clean, and they give you consideration and affection ONLY if they like you. I prefer to conquer somebody’s love instead than to have it by default. Then I am naturally a cat person instead of a dog’s. But I like all animals (I like snakes as well, so my range is pretty wide ;)), even though I don’t feel missing any in house. Generally I would be out of home most of the day and no pet would be happy in staying that much alone. I miss my grandparents’ kitty tho :)

4. Who do you miss the most? Family. Friends. Meeting new people when out. And... (is it fine to say it?) Well... in these lockdown times I miss... human touch. (You get what kind). I was seeing a guy when this all started and my old boyf also came back into the picture somehow. All on hold. And I avoid to think how that makes me feel because even in case I’d figure it out, what comes if one can’t act on the awareness? Exactly. So I put it all in a LONG pause. But yeah... I miss contacts. A LOT.

5. When was the last time you left your home? I go out every Thursday to buy all my grocery stuff. I am very methodic. My supermarket is pretty near and it’s BIG and I get there right before it opens (well... one hour almost before it opens, so I can be among the firsts in line). I look like a ninja: very sporty and technically dressed (like for a running competition!) with clothes and shoes which are easy washable, tech mask (it is for cycling competition, with filters specifically medical: the mask is washable as well after you’ve used it, while the filter is obviously not), cotton fit gloves and over them medical gloves (I can’t wear directly medical gloves because my skin is very sensitive and I suffer from nickel allergia, which makes latex gloves a NO NO directly on skin), teck googles which cover also the side of my face (those are from cycling items too) and of course PODS in my ear because I can’t live without music :)

6. What was the last thing you bought? I bought online a few garden tools for my biggest balcony. I have ZERO skill with plants (and I am supposed to become a biologist... the nerve! LOL) but I am keen at making grow at least rosemery for my recipes. I have a little peach tree and it is all fine so far. I have hope I can do better and anyway I have time now ;)

7. Is quarantine driving you insane or are you finally relaxed? I try to keep my routine as it was before. I wake up and perform all my tasks exactly as I was doing before this all started. I am VERY organized and to lax on that would ruin me, so I carefully focus on what I can control the best I can. It feels strange to say it maybe but... this way my mood isn’t particularly affected by this heavy revolution in my (and everyone elses’s) life.

8. Are you a homebody? NOPE. I love people, I love my Milan and its being always full of people everywhere. I love living in my town a TON, I love meeting friends anywhere, go dancing, I love to live my University life in this beautiful and renewed part of Milan; I like being surrounded by my people and meeting new ones. So being stuck at home would seem insufferable for me. But I learnt from this (there’s always something to learn in any experience) that I can be surprisingly ok with staying home too. I came to know better my neighbors. I feel a sense of community with everyone living nearby and I have come to love my domesticity too. It was a surprise for me first ^.^

9. What movies have you watched recently? In Italy, Italia 1 channel has had the WONDERFUL idea to rebroadcast all Harry Potter saga every Monday and Thursday. Today and tomorrow there are the last two installments, so I can say that is what I looked out the most for as in movie things these past weeks (funny how I never particularly adored the books of HP, I mean, I liked them but... being a Tolkien’s devotee Rowlings’ literary efforts always seemed lackluster to me.. and still I have always liked the movies. It’s incoherent I know ;)). But I have Sky at home so I can watch whatever movie I like to whenever I want to. And that leads to VERY little watch actually. I am reading a ton though. I watch what passes on in the National channels actually, out of digital and cable and decide to watch it or not. For instance last Friday Rai 1 (main Italian Channel) broadcasted one of my fav movies from the past three years, GIFTED (with Chris Evans and Octavia Spencer) and I rewatched it with immense pleasure.

10. An event that you were looking forward to that got cancelled? OLYMPICS. I was supposed to be back in Japan with a a couple of friends and my bro for experience the Olympics (especially the volleyball tournaments) between July and August and that got (of course) cancelled. We plan to move it all to next year of course. But it hurts SO MUCH because it was easily what I was looking forward to BEST for all 2020. Hands down.

11. What’s the best and worst thing you’ve had to cancel? Look up. For the other question, I never plan things I don’t like (or at least I try my best not to) and I almost never find myself in the position of being happy for something I had going on which I had to pass due to circumstances. I am a very honest (sometimes to the point of bluntness, though with age I got trained in the fine art of diplomacy, which for me is declined especially in the “IGNORE WHAT IS NOT WORTHY degree) person and if there is something I don’t like I tend to not get involved with it in the first place.

12. Do you have any new hobbies? Eh... the longest list... I love so many things. Sport don’t count as hobbies to me because I treat them as part of my daily life constantly. So take them off. I like to write, to draw, to paint... I like reading, I like learning... I am a tech geek; I like gaming (but that I have to cut it or it would absorb me too much)... I like TRAVELING (that is cut off too of course nowadays), and many other things so I guess I don’t literally have SPACE for new hobbies. My many ones makes it impossible to fall for new things though lately I am becoming a better cook out of needs ;)

13. What are you out of? My lists are made as soon my things become “two items in from having 0″. This way I can’t run out of anything. Did I say already I am a HUGE control freak? THAT ;)

14. What music are you listening to? My itunes collections lists so far 12376 ALBUMS. Then I have the random songs. Latest one I bought (because I buy them all) is Achille Lauro’s latest 16 Marzo

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yb-9RESbeWA

I am also listening a lot to one of my bro’s fav bands Radiohead and as usual a lot to my beloved Imagine Dragons. My mum and dad are also telling me to listen to Bill Withers (who recently passed away) whole discography because he was amazing. I love many music genres. I love ALL which makes the spirit soar and rage and evolve and love and cry and hope.

15. What are you reading? So far in quarantine I read 5 books. I have now to start ORIGINS by Dan Brown. I pick the books I have left unread randomly and that was the pick this time (people gift me with books constantly because they know I am a bookworm when I have spare time).

16. What are you doing for self-care? Keep loving myself and life and the world exactly the way I used to before this all started.

17. Are you exercising? Yup. Tapis roulant, golf training, stepper (all in my house lucky me) and mat and weight training. I have a routine for which I have to train at least one hour a day. NO EXCEPTION. I miss swimming but I will do. I am also in recovery after January’s knee meniscus intervention so my schedules are also taking that into consideration.

18. How’s your toilet paper supply? I'm OK. :)

19. Have you made any changes to your hair during quarantine? Nope. I love to stylize my hair but I don’t have specific cuts. It grows long and then I play with them hairstyles: braids, buns, ponytails, partitions and the likes.. But I have bleached hair and I had to follow my hairdresser advice because I can’t allow ugly roots to take dominance of me ^.^ So I bought the necessary to self bleach them. No need to say as soon as I will be able to, Hairdressers and Massages and SPA will be my first destination ^.^ (beside visiting family and friends of course).

I am fairly sure I put lots of typos and mistakes in this but I have my online lesson just starting in 8 minutes and I can’t review this (I generally never do it anyway). So forgive me and have a beautiful day ;)

STAY SAFE OUT THERE!!! Hugs K.

#ask list #wow my first one #and probably my last #covid19 #quarantine #lockdown #italy #milan #tag your friends #coronavirus

3 notes · View notes

starglasszodiac · 6 years

Text

SGZ Anniversary - Cassie and the Comic

The big one, the origin story!!!! And honestly one of my favourite memories to look back on. :’D I’ll be talking about both the idea itself and the evolution of Cassie’s character in what is a BEHEMOTH of a text post, so here we go!

While July 19th, 2015 is the official origin day of SGZ, it started a bit prior to that. I have this story already somewhat explained on the blog’s FAQ page, but I might as well reiterate it here:

SGZ started as an idea in the summer of 2015 after my buddy Laura showed me two webcomics: Paranatural by Zack Morrison, and Vibe by Dan Ciurczak (two comics I highly recommend, please go read them!). I loved how vibrant and beautiful their artwork was despite how different their stories were, and how wonderful the writing and humour was. My two biggest creative passions have always been visual art and writing, but ironically this was what really flicked the switch in my head to actually try comics, the literal combination of the two. Why I didn’t start sooner will forever be a mystery to me, but I suppose a lack of exposure to comics as a kid had something to do with it. Better late than never, right?

The specific launch day of July 19th is an homage to not only the creation of the idea but of the main protagonist, Cassie. After thinking “hey, I could do this!” I started wondering what I should make a comic about. While working at my retail job (on the slowest day in existence), I began to make a list of things that I liked or wanted to write a story about, and stars / astrology was one of them. I had always loved that aspect of mythology, and my affection for stars is a mystery to no one.

I worked at what was effectively a Blockbuster clone in my hometown (RIP Cherry Hill Video) and we had scrap pieces of paper that we made from old movie facings, so the first ever notes and doodles for this series exist on these scraps. I’ve still got quite a few of them, but they got a bit scattered when I moved for college. I’m hoping the rest are at my house somewhere.

I got the idea of a girl with a star in her eye, and called it the Starglass. And, well, the idea went from there! I started researching all of the zodiac signs and symbols, and drew the first (digital) drawing of Cassie when I got back home that day. Which, looked like this:

Seeing this again is not only weird and oddly nostalgic but it’s a testament to where my artistic sensibilities were prior to going to animation school. The idea for SGZ happened mere months before I was thrown into that 3-year fray of insanity so the evolution is pretty odd in places, especially how my knowledge of shape language, anatomy, etc. evolved and how my style adapted to that. I had almost NEVER drawn humans prior to going to college, so a lot of the art for this series deals with my inability to do so at the start. ^^’ The awkward phase, if you will. And as such, it is the first story idea I had that primarily focused on humans.

Looking back on it, Cassie’s character in terms of personality was pretty different than what it is now, but from a visual standpoint there’s (surprisingly) a lot that stayed. The basic idea of her hair stayed, right down to the double ponytail and orange clasps. Her freckles, eye colour and general face shape too, even if that ended up modified after solidifying her character later.

Her main colour was always red, in fact after making the headshot I remember having NO IDEA what to do for the rest of her body, so it just ended up being RED. Then I added the blue for the contrast, but I still wasn’t happy with it at the time (a perhaps subconscious origin for her blue pants though, lol). I also find amusement in the fact that my current concept for her mother Nora has her wearing blue flats much like these.

Based on the notes I have and what I remember, Cassie was older at this point (like 15 or 16 probably) and seemed to be a lot more sarcastic (this is a norm for a lot of my characters, trust me). xD Some of the first character interactions I ever wrote largely involved Cassie being sassy to one of the signs, back when a few of them were being over dramatic (looking at you SCORPIO). I cackled reading those interactions again now that my characters have changed so much. They’re not well written at all but they still let me look back to that time with fondness. :’D

What is also interesting is the progression of her name, or the fact that she didn’t have one right at the start. My earliest notes have simply Starglass or SG whenever I wrote dialogue. I started trying to think of a name, and contrary to popular belief, settling on Cassie actually had nothing to do with Cassiopeia. Though I do really enjoy the irony of that. xD It started with Cass, which could be short for either Cassandra or Cassidy, and I ended up going with Cassidy. I then changed it to Cassie, as I find the -ie suffix makes it a lot cuter. I am biased though, my name ends with it too, aha. There is a note that spells it as Cassi and for the life of me I cannot determine if that was a typo or not, but when I write fast I miss letters sometimes. The nickname of “Star” was one the table for a while too, and now that Star VS exists it’s even funnier. I specifically recall my mother telling me that she was going to suggest Star on the Facebook post I had made for the art at the time, but thought maybe it was too obvious. She was right, though this idea lives on in the nicknames that the signs end up giving Cassie later on, my favourite being “Little Star”.

While development for the story and characters started right away, it got a much welcomed jumpstart at the beginning of my second year at animation school. We were given a character design project that would span the entire year, and would require a story concept to complete all of the assignments. We were told this fact in first year to give us time to prepare over the summer, and I had just pulled an all-nighter to finish an assignment that day, but upon hearing this news I was not tired at all. Character design was already my favourite class, but this put it over the top. That beautiful feeling of inspiration that hits you is the BEST and in that moment nothing else mattered. Not even my fatigue, which I promptly dealt with the next day.

I used this as an opportunity to spend time developing the designs and story progression of all the characters, while getting marks for it at the same time! This is largely the reason I was able to launch the comic a few months after completing that year of school, as it ended up giving me full-sized references, colour schemes, and a much better idea of the story as a whole. Based on when my school years took place, I can actually track the progression of the characters pretty well through the artistic skill upgrade I was getting too.

The progression is pretty wild honestly, especially between 2015 and 2016:

(oh god these are so old help me)

(these aren’t all of them either but I did my best jdhkfhsjkfhskjf)

From 2016 onwards I had the basic idea of her, so her colours stayed more or less the same once I actually added them. Cassie’s hair was one of the things that required a lot more iterations. I had her general idea down for a while, but when it came to making the character pack of her for my character design class, I remember having to sit down and actually figure out how her hair would work, structurally and otherwise, for that High Quality Refinement™ that was required of the project. Her older drawings had the part in her hair be in the middle, and that posed the problem of covering her eyes too much. If she was a more reserved character in any way this could have worked, but nah. I knew from the beginning she was going to be an outwardly eccentric child, one I wish I could have been when I was growing up.

Now for anyone that knows me as both a huge nerd and an artist, when it comes to fantasy stuff I LOVE armour. Absolutely love it. You see it everywhere in the things I make both inside and outside of SGZ, and I adore making themed costumes based on that (see my Feather Knights series for the most extreme example of this ever, ahahaha). So, it stands to reason that I would do the same for Cassie at some point, and I did!

There was a particular focus on a helmet for a while too, whole plot points in fact! This helmet was, story wise, a long-standing plot point that proved difficult to change once the focus shifted. The initial idea was that the helmet belonged to Cassie’s science teacher (who is still a minor character in this as of now) and he gave it to her knowing its significance to the Starglass, thus establishing a sort of connection between Cassie’s normal life on Earth and the supernatural shenanigans that happen on the Astral Plane. The night she brings it home, she discovers that this little friend laid dormant inside:

This is Flicker. A character I’ve actually never revealed to anyone prior to now but hey, why not? The idea of Cassie having a spirit companion certainly didn’t come out of left field for me, but I wasn’t entirely sure how this character would appear, or what dynamic they would have with Cassie. I didn’t have pets bigger than a hamster growing up, so the idea of Cassie having a potential dog or cat companion would be new territory based on my own experiences.

Flicker, as they are right now, acts as a sort of sensor for spirits that are roaming loose on Earth, and alerts Cassie to them... even if she’s not always up for a spirit hunt. They do have a backstory associated with how they appear and what their purpose is in the overall context of the world, but that isn’t revealed until much later in the story. For now Flicker is a cute little friend that cannot say much, but is devoted to protecting things, especially the Starglass. Luckily they still made the cut when it came to the helmet idea, and you should be meeting them officially pretty soon in the comic! :D

While the initial problem was getting any sort of cohesive look to the helmet or any other armour in terms of concept, I found as the story developed along with Cassie’s design, both her hair and her star sweater ended up being her two most “iconic” qualities aside from her eye, and using armour would have covered that up.

On top of that, Cassie didn’t really end up being the type of character that would use armour, as one might expect from a character that has to fight and defend things a lot. She’s one to do things a little differently, and both her and the signs discover that, well, different works! It wasn’t a matter of her physical strength for the majority of the problems she faces, but rather strength of heart, and that’s a very personal note for me to touch on with this character. As such, nothing about an armour concept ever came out of the sketch phase:

It still makes for really interesting ideas though, so I’m sure I can work these into something else I’m working on. :’D Knowing myself, I’ll find a way. (The wings are VERY Cardcaptors though lol)

What did stay, however, were her swords:

She had at least one sword at the very beginning of this concept, but it eventually evolved into two. I find it interesting that sun, moon and star symbols were always present, regardless of what iteration these swords went through. Their official names are the Sun Star and Moon Star Swords respectively. Aside from the few doodles here and there for the zodiac weapons, this was the first appearance of any kind of fantasy weapon in SGZ. I can confirm that Cassie and the signs were going to have weapons from the get-go though, this IS something I made after all. xD

I think I also need to mention the main influences for this series, as the love for those things is very evident in my work, from the visuals to the storytelling and everything in between. Aside from my general interest in fantasy topics such as mythology and astrology, here’s a list including (but not limited to) the series that inspired the making of SGZ:

Kirby, Steven Universe, Harry Potter, Avatar: The Last Airbender & The Legend of Korra, Cardcaptor Sakura / Cardcaptors, Kim Possible, Danny Phantom, and pretty much any other show I’ve watched about surviving school while going on crazy adventures. That stuff may be cliche now but I’ll be damned if I don’t love it still.

I grew up with some of these and the rest are new, but they’re all near and dear to my heart for many reasons. I’m happy that I can put that love into something I’ve made, and share that story with the world.

I know I’ve got a lot more ranting about this story to do in general and the comic is still going, but I want to say some special thanks to some of SGZ’s biggest supporters:

Laura, Eleanor, and my classmates and teachers at Seneca College. This comic wouldn’t exist without you. <3

I’ll be honest, working on this series got me through some of the toughest years of my life so far, and this was one of the first times where something I made actually came to fruition in some way, and had a genuine development period that I can look back on. I’ve grown a lot as both a person and an artist since then, and doing this look back in time really solidified that for me. I have a cast of characters that I love, and now I get to tell their story. So if you’ve stayed till the end in this gigantic post, thank you. I don’t know where this story will lead me, but with any luck it’ll be somewhere in the stars. Thanks for reading, friends. <3

#Starglass Zodiac #SGZ #SGZ Anniversary #origin story #Cassie #development #character development #story development

9 notes · View notes

narwhal-writings · 6 years

Text

Meet the Writer

I got tagged in so many of these lmao. All answers are under the cut.

Tagged by: @bluewritesbadly

1. What is your favorite weather to write in?

I don’t have one! As long as it is not melt-your-face-off hot outside, I’m good!

2. Do you draw inspiration from any specific show, movie, or music?

Nothing specific that I can think of, I can draw inspiration from just about anything.

3. Do you have any specific playlists for writing?

Nope.

4. What is your goal as a writer?

To finish a WIP, something I’ve never done. And maybe to be the author of someone’s favorite story one day.

5. How would you describe your current project?

Princesses take matters into their own hands. It’s not as easy as they thought it would be.

6. Do you have a favorite character? If so, describe them?

YES!!! My girl Rosar from Broken Thrones is my fave. She is sweet even though her father is emotionally abusive. She loves being outside, digging her fingers into the soil, and everything about flowers.

7. What is your inspiration for writing?

My mind will drive me insane if I keep all my ideas and storylines in my head, so I write them out and hope someone can get immersed in them the same way I do.

8. Have you had any experiences irl that you have put into your writing?

Not that I can think of.

9. Which of your characters are you most like?

I’m most like Eira when it comes to the way my mind works. Logical not emotional.

10. What is your favorite quote?

“I hope to arrive to my death, late, in love, and a little drunk.” - Atticus

Tagged by: @thepotatowearsprada

1. What inspired you to start writing your current WIP?

I reread one of my fave books and I started getting ideas and I started writing.

2. Is there a chapter/set of chapters that’s your favourite in your WIP? If so, which ones and why?

I am super bad at writing in chapters. I usually just write in a huge chunk of paragraphs and leave separating them into chapters for future me to deal with. But there is a scene from my Dieselpunk WIP that I love. The two MCs are alone together after a traumatizing event and Jax does his best to comfort Amy. It’s adorable.

3. Which of your characters would you take with you into a haunted house?

Amy from my Dieselpunk WIP. She’d be fun.

4. What character would you take with you to supervise a first date from afar?

Rosar from Broken Thrones. She’d be able to monitor the situation without seeming suspicious.

5. Was there a specific book that led you to writing? If so, which one?

I...am not sure. I used to read all the time and any of those could’ve pushed me towards it. I’ll go with any of the Robin McKinley books I’ve read. I love the way I’m able to immerse myself in the worlds she creates and I want to mimic that.

6. What music do you like to listen to while you write?

It varies depending on my mood or what kind of scene I want to write.

7. Where do you like to do most of your writing?

The living room at my house, That’s where the laptop is, and I prefer to use the laptop to type.

8. What book are you reading right now, and what do you think of it?

I am not reading a book right now, sadly. I have several on my list, though.

9. If you had to compare your favourite character to another literary character, who would it be, and why?

I will compare Rosar to....agh....I...don’t know...I’m bad at this...sorry.

10. What font do you like to use when typing up stories?

I use Arial.

Tagged by: @hilunawrites

1. What’s the first thing you ever remember writing?

Oh god. I used to write Warriors fanfic when I was in elementary/middle school.

2. What book or series has affected you the most?

The Blue Sword by Robin McKinley. It is my all time favorite book and I fell in love with it and the MC Harry.

3. Do you prefer writing dialogue or description?

I like writing description, even though I’m not very good at it.

4. Where do you write?

I can write anywhere, but mainly at my house on the laptop.

5. What is your number one goal as a writer right now?

To finish at least one of my WIPs.

6. What was the last book you read?

Defy the Worlds by Claudia Gray. I really enjoyed it!

7. Do you have a writing schedule?

No, but I should make one.

8. What’s an irritating mistake you often make when writing?

I like to use way too many commas.

9. Do you prefer writing the first draft or editing?

Lmao considering I’ve never completed a draft to edit, I’ll go with writing the first draft.

10. What’s your number one tip for newbie writers?

Don’t give up just because you feel like your writing isn’t good. The more you practice, the better you’ll get.

Tagged by: @lillithannemadison

1.How often do you get writers’ block/What do you do to get over it?

I get writers’ block a lot. I usually get over it when I walk the dog. That’s when I put my earbuds in and let my mind wander. That or when I’m a passenger in the car.

2. Do you prefer to write more in the early mornings, late nights, or somewhere in between?

I’m more productive in the evenings and nighttime.

3. If you had the chance, would you hire a publicist right now for all of your finished WIPs, or keep them until you are 1000000000% sure they are perfect?

Seeing as I can be a perfectionist, I’ll keep them until I am sure they are perfect.

4. For those of you who go to school or have a time-consuming job, do you write in your free time at school/work? Or do you only write in the comfort of your own home?

Uh, I will jot down my ideas and think up new storylines at school, but I prefer to write at home.

5. What is the most progress you’ve made on one WIP? (in chapters)

Like I said in an earlier set of q’s, I don’t write chapters very often. However, in my Dieselpunk WIP I have about 56k words, and that’s not nearly finished.

6. If you listen to music while you write, do you listen to instrumental music or music with lyrics as well?

I listen to any type of music when writing.

7. Do you use any types of digital art, art apps, or simply a pencil and paper to visualize your characters?

I try. I am bad at trying to draw my OCs when I try. Sometimes I use apps/games to create my characters, or I pick a faceclaim.

8. If given the chance, would you allow your favorite author to read your WIP, or would you be too nervous about the feedback?

That...is a good question. I’m weird about my writing. I’m sharing bits and pieces here and I’m okay with it, I send them to my friend and I’m okay, but I’d never let my family read it. So I’m not sure. I might let them read it.

9. Which author/poet/etc. influenced your writing the most?

I wish I knew. I’m bad at identifying what influences the way I write.

10. If you had found out someone was plagiarizing your WIP after posting it on Tumblr, Wattpad, etc., how would you react?

Uhhh....report whoever did it, tell my followers what happened? Idk for sure.

Tagged by: @leicawri

1. What do you consider the most special about your setting that sets it apart from other settings?

The way it’s set up, I suppose. I guess in Broken Thrones it’s a bit odd because of how near the forest and desert is without touching. The Stone and the Sea is different because the places/people from them are identified by what they are good at making. Stuff like that, I guess.

2. Do you need to be alone in a room to write or do you need noise around you?

I need noise, but it doesn’t need to be people noise, a TV in the background or music is good. I can write, people or no people.

3. If one character in your story didn’t exist, how would it change the way the story goes? Would it affect the other characters in their development? Would it change the ending?

I like to think that all (named) characters that I make have an impact on the story and is needed in the story. I would say taking a character out would change the story, character growth of others, and the ending.

4. What’s the strangest way you solved a plothole?

I haven’t come across a whole lot of plotholes simply because I haven’t gone back and read everything together. So I’m sure in the future I’ll have an answer for this, but not today.

5. What is your method if you realise that your character acted out of character in the last few scenes?

I leave it for future me to deal with lmao. In all reality, I’m kinda bad at realizing if a character is acting correctly or not, so I’ll leave that work and come back to it later and try to fix it.

6. In your worldbuilding, do you only build as much history as needed or do you create a whole history with little stories that are irrelevant to the plot and no one will ever know them but you and the people that asked about it?

I make just a little more history than needed. Or I don’t make enough and have to make it up as I go.

7. Do you have a time that you dedicate to writing or do you just write whenever inspiration hits you?

I write whenever I want to. Or I stare blankly at the document until I force the words out. No specific time

8. Do you write your story in order, from chapter 1 to chapter 10? Or do you just write first chapter 8, then chapter 3, them chapter 5 and so on?

I try to write chronologically as best I can. However, if I have writers’ block, I’ll skip ahead and work out how to work in that segment.

9. How do you name characters? Spontaneously? Or do you spenf a long time researching definitions and where those names come from? What about placeholder names?

I don’t usually use placeholder names. I usually go looking for a specific type of nae with a specific meaning. Like with Broken Thrones, the three sisters have names relating to nature because their country is very nature-oriented. However, the men from Issera I used a name generator and made a few adjustments. It depends on what I’m looking for.

10. What role does music play in your story? Are there festivals for it? Or is it just there?

Interesting question. I haven’t thought about this too much. Maybe I’ll include more music oriented things in my WIPs...

Tagged by: @quill-and-ink-writer

1. What’s your favorite book?

The Blue Sword by Robin McKinley! I love it so much it pains me every time I finish rereading it.

2. Man vs. Society, Man vs. Self, or Man vs. Man?

It depends on the type of plot I have in mind. Of course, all three can happen at the same time.

3. Antiheroes or loveable villains?

I have to choose? Fine. Loveable villains.

4. What’s the worst thing a character of yours has done?

Hmm...I’d have to say that that an upcoming event in Broken Thrones will be pretty bad. I don’t want to post spoilers, though.

5. Favorite trope?

Hmm...villains/antag becoming begrudging friends or weird uncle figures to the hero/protag

6. Are you a pantser of plotter?

I usually have a main plot in mind and just make it up as I go between main plot points in mind. I’ve been trying to get better at plotting.

7. Moodboards or playlists?

Moodboards.

8. Do you listen to music while you write? If so, what genre?

I listen to lots of different things when I write, from Mumford & Sons to MCR and a lot in between.

9. Which of your WIPs have you been working on the longest?

My Deiselpunk WIP! I’ve been working on it for about...two years, with several hiatuses in there.

10. How long have you been writing?

Casually since elementary school, more seriously the past couple years.

Okay, I hope that’s everyone! My questions are:

Do you have a character you tend to inflict more angst on than others?

How do you get back on track with writing after getting distracted?

Do you create your whole world and characters before you start to write it down or do you write it down as you go?

Do you have a certain story/poem/etc that has stuck with you for years?

Favorite and least favorite trope?

Are any of your characters artists/Do any of them enjoy art?

How do you go about getting past writers’ block?

Do you write chronologically or do you write little snippets and tie them together? Or do you have a different process?

Writing or editing?

Strange ways you come up with ideas to write?

I will tag: @realashergray @writerofscribbles @plsfeedthewriter @constantlyincosmicconfusion and anyone else who wants to do it! Tag me if you do!

#as usual #no pressure to do it if you dont want to #god this took forever #tag games

6 notes · View notes

technicolorfamiliar · 6 years

Text

Global Spirit Tour: 2017 - 2018

Prologue:

Something weird happened early in 2017.

I was looking for a song to lip synch to. In drag.

This was for a one-off performance with the improv group I was part of at the time. We had a string of a few LGBTQ events, and drag lip synchs were becoming a regular part of our season. I needed a song, and I needed to pick something I knew no one else in the group would choose. As someone who is secretly very competitive (and someone who knows I perform on stage better as a man anyway), finding the perfect song and perfect character to fit the song was stressing me out. So I turned to my beloved 80's New Wave station on Pandora for inspiration.

Eventually, the inspiration I desperately needed presented itself (this is the Weird Thing). It was, of all things, Depeche Mode's "Stories of Old" from Some Great Reward, a song I knew and loved deeply as a teenager but hadn't actually heard or really listened to in years. And with the inspiration from the song came the core inspiration for my character. Suddenly, everything locked into place - the look, the hair, the clothes, the physicality (read: how provocative I could get away with being at what was technically a family friendly event). And with that perfect vision for my character, all thing things I loved about Depeche Mode when I was in high school came flooding back to me. Wave after wave of nostalgia, the kind that makes you realize, "this is why I am the way I am."

And so I was forcibly dragged back into all things Depeche Mode by one song, one incredibly underrated song stuck somewhere in the middle of what isn't even my favorite DM album.

(I ended up using a different song by a different band for the drag improv thing, at the directors' request, they thought something more well-known would be more appropriate, and at the time I agreed. But my character mood board was still very much focused on DM in the mid-80s.)

Funnily enough, at that same time, DM were about to release a new album and announce dates for their Global Spirit Tour. So the timing on my part worked out perfectly. I have a habit of rediscovering the music I loved in high school just as a bunch of new content is about to hit the internet (one day I'll write about how Danny Elfman and Oingo Boingo saved my life more than once).

For a little background, when I say I loved DM in high school, I mean that's when I first heard of them. I didn't grow up on Depeche Mode, as my parents - who were my major source of music recs until I was 15 - absolutely hated anything that had to do with 1980s synthpop, post-punk, or any other new wave music. But someone much older and much cooler than me gave me a mix tape with "In Your Room" on it and I was intrigued. That wasn't the DM song that sealed my fate as a fan. That was 100% "Never Let Me Down Again", but a nudge in the right direction was all I needed, and for that honest to god actual mix tape cassette, I am eternally grateful.

I was a teenager during the era of Playing The Angel, and I was lucky enough to see them on that tour with my best friend at the time. The tickets were my high school graduation present. Our seats were at the very back of what used to be the Nissan Pavilion in VA. I hardly remember anything about the show itself, and any pictures I must have taken on my old pocket digital camera are sadly lost.

Washington, DC:

It was 2017 before I managed to see another DM tour. For whatever reason, whether it was my busy work schedule, being broke, or waiting until shows were already sold out to look for tickets, I missed both the Sounds of the Universe and Delta Machine tours. So when the Spirit tour was announced, I was poised and ready to make what some people might consider irrational financial choices in order to see three separate shows between September 2017 and June 2018.

The lead-up to the September 7th show in DC was a lot of fun. I was going with my two close friends, so we enjoyed some additional bonding as we eagerly anticipated the show together. This was the only gig on the tour I saw with people I knew, and I have nothing against going to concerts by myself -- and sometimes traveling great distances to do so. But getting to share the excitement leading up to the actual day and at the event itself with two of my very good friends was really special. I'm really glad I got to share that experience with them, and have their positive, enthusiastic energy to draw on.

This is the part of the post where I go on a brief tangent about superfan elitism, bear with me: The hardcore DM fans would say, "Three shows? That's nothing." And I would say they're right, but that doesn’t make me any less of a fan. I could have gone to more shows, probably, but my bank account, my job security, and my sanity required that three be the maximum amount of shows I got to see on this specific tour. There are numerous ways a person can express their love of a band, a tv show, a piece of immersive theatre, or whatever. The level of insane superfan I am or am not does not mean that their music is any less important to me as an artist and as person. HOWEVER, the people who I encountered at these three DM shows who were on their phones the entire concert, people who had better seats than me who sat down completely unengaged the whole time, and the people making disrespectful and unrelated comments about the audience and the band themselves can go fuck themselves. That negative, attention seeking, distracting bullshit has no place down in the floor seats in front of the stage, they can go be terrible up in the mezzanine levels.

Which is exactly where my first show was spent.

Second or third tier seats for big arena shows are 1000% not worth whatever money you spend on them. They're too far away, and you're surrounded by people who act like they've never heard of the band they paid actual money to see. The only reason my friends and I were up there in the first place was because of how absurd the US ticket queueing system was for the first North American leg of the GST. I, like many others, have a lot of issues with how that was handled and am glad they scrapped it for the second round of US shows.

I'm glad I had my two friends with me at the DC show, though. The three of us were maybe the only people having a genuinely fun time in our section. This first show for me was the only one where I cried. I wasn't expecting to, but hearing and seeing Martin sing "Home" struck something in me. And then "Heroes". I knew it was coming, but it still managed to really resonate on a deep emotional level. I love David Bowie as much as they do, but knowing that "Heroes" was how Dave was initially asked to be in the band, and my own personal feelings and connections to Bowie, hearing Dave sing it as well as he did was everything in that moment.

I have a number of issues with that show in DC, but none of them have anything to do with DM or the show itself. They played more songs from Spirit at this show than at any of the others I attended, but there was also "Corrupt" and "Wrong", "A Question of Lust" and "Somebody". It was also the longest set list of out of the three shows, with 22 songs total, which is rare for them, from what I understand, because of how intense their live shows are, especially for Dave (which I got to experience more closely at the other two shows). His presence on stage radiates to the rafters of huge venues like the Capital One Arena -- but more about Dave in a minute. I can talk about how good they sounded in DC, and how much hearing those songs live meant to me on that night during that time in my life, how I felt the synths and bass and percussion in my bone marrow and in my soul, but I can't really talk about the all-consuming, sweaty frenzy of experiencing a show like theirs from the floor. For that, I need to talk about Berlin and Philadelphia.

Berlin:

So DM announced more dates in Europe. And, because I'm insane I guess, was online at some ungodly hour when tickets went on sale for the two shows in Berlin, Germany in January. I was able to get an early entry ticket for the January 19th show in BERLIN where I would be surrounded by other people who were actually genuinely excited to be there, which would be a huge improvement after the lackluster crowds in DC.

Am I glad I did it? Yes. Would I do it exactly the same way ever again? Probably not. Because queueing overnight outside the arena was worth it for the concert experience itself, but it's not necessarily something I need to do again any time soon. I'm a weak, American fan, and I own that. The German DM fans go so fucking hard and I am absolutely terrified of them.

Somehow, I managed to get a spot on the barrier without any pushing or shoving. I wound up in the pocket where the main stage becomes turns into the catwalk, right in front of where Andy Fletcher has his set-up. On either side of me were two other women who also were there by themselves. They were nice enough to talk to me and keep me company while we waited.

The show, though.

My consciousness went… somewhere else. I can’t really compare the feeling to anything else I've experienced. I've been to some other really singularly wonderful concerts, to see bands and musicians that I have deep emotional ties to, but none of them have been like this. It's the combination of being part of the masses down on the floor, on the barrier, exhausted and sweating and euphoric, with the power and intensity of hearing and seeing Depeche Mode perform live. I was hyper-aware of everything happening in front of me. Time did something strange, it crawled by so slowly and yet it was over before I could register what happened. I was an outsider there, but I felt like I was part of this massive collective, all connected by our desire to be there, our love of the music, united for a few hours, and I was so aware that everything that was happening on stage and around us was happening to eary one of the people in that arena at once.

The sound of the ignition at the beginning of "Stripped" reverberating in your rib cage, the driving, head-banging riffs in "I Feel You," the cosmic outro of "Cover Me," the field of wheat arm-waving during "Never Let Me Down Again" -- having it all happen to you, at that volume, at that frequency and intensity, is like having your soul yanked from your body and cast into decadent oblivion.

Honestly, it was a blur. But as far as I can remember, highlights included:

The additional songs from Ultra! Unexpected, but very much appreciated.

Experiencing Andy Fletcher's ridiculous awkward dad dancing up close and in person. There's a lot of hype about Fletch's moves, but let me tell you, they exceed any expectation.

Martin. Martin sang "Sister of Night" AND "Judas". I was overcome. People talk about singers sounding like an angel, but Martin L. Gore is the only person in the history of music that saying actually applies to in full.

And Dave. If he was anything like he was at this show when they were at the DC show, I missed the fuck out. Because yes, he performs to the whole arena, even to the people in the very back, but it's altogether something else to watch someone that animated up close. He's tapping into some energy and fire to fuel his work that I've only rarely seen in other artists. Dave Gahan never phones it in, he always performs like he's got jet fuel for blood and like every show really means something. He is outrageous on stage, in every sense of the word. He is endlessly inspiring, and deserves so much recognition and respect.

Philadelphia:

That said… to me, it seemed like the band as a whole was having way more fun at the Philly show than they did in Berlin. I can't put my finger on the specific differences, but they seemed lighter, more pleased with their work, and maybe genuinely surprised at the warmth of their audience in Philly. Martin smiled a lot more at the Philadelphia show, and Dave seemed looser, maybe less tired after a double in Germany.

The Philly gig on June 3rd was the best, by far, out of the three. The second US leg of the GST was announced and I, of course, being the way that I am, thought, "FUCK IT WHY NOT" and magically got a floor seat ticket right in front of Martin's side of the stage after the general tickets went on sale. And it was worth every penny and a short train ride from Baltimore.

I met a few more very nice people, a couple from Florida (whose first show had been cancelled due to the major hurricane last year) and a solo lady sitting behind me who let me join their conversation. And the man sitting to my left was British? European? So he also knew all the things the audience is supposed to do during specific songs that I learned when I was in Berlin. There were definitely some bastard people in the crowd, even down on the floor, terrible people who clearly weren't enjoying themselves, but the high energy of everyone else made it easy to shift focus to the band.

The set list was very similar to the one I heard in Germany, with the exception of two of Martin's songs from Music For The Masses and "A Question of Time" right before their closer -- "Personal Jesus." But again, the performances and mood behind most of the songs at the Philly show seemed lighter, more playful and mischievous (on Dave's part). And the time really flew by. I missed "I Feel You" in the set list, but that's a very minor criticism of what was, over all, a miraculous third show out of three very powerful concerts.

Epilogue:

The general consensus among fans is that this may have been the last big tour Depeche Mode have. They may keep recording together and separately, but another tour on this massive scale is unlikely. If that's the case, I'm so glad I found a way to see three very different shows on the Global Spirit Tour. I can’t imagine experiencing the same exact feeling these shows gave me; I certainly didn't feel the same at David Byrne's awesome American Utopia tour show this summer, and I don't expect the feel the same when I see Nick Cave in October.

Depeche Mode, especially now, at this stage in their careers, during this time in American and world history, and for me personally at this specific point in my life as I age out of my 20s, have been a source of sanity and compassion, of deep feeling and social commentary. Their music touches maybe the parts of myself I'm too scared to look at head on. After going through some of the things that have happened to me as an adult, and as I figure out the kind of person I want to be in the coming decade, obviously there are certain themes resonate with me more than they did when I first discovered DM as a teen. I am grateful to have had circumstances happen the way they did to lead me back to Depeche Mode, to delve deep into their music and history.

Those three shows changed the my standards for seeing live music. After being front row for the Berlin concert, how could I ever go back to being content sitting up in the second or third tier for any arena show? I've been spoiled.

And after a few months have passed, when I think about my experiences over the course of the Global Spirit Tour, it doesn't quite feel real. There are a few other concerts I've been to where when I think about it, I think, "Did that actually happen??" (Namely seeing Danny Elfman in Los Angeles on Halloween, 2014. Absolutely bonkers.) Seeing DM in Berlin is definitely one of those moments already, not even a year later.

I look forward to the future of their music. If Depeche Mode tour again, and that's a big if, the furthest I would travel to see them is maybe the UK, but hopefully that won’t be necessary! However, I absolutely would go see a solo show, if Martin or Dave ever had shows anywhere even remotely close by. I would absolutely travel to New York or LA to see a solo Martin show or Dave with Soulsavers. From what I can tell those venues are usually smaller, so it would be easier to have a more enjoyable, intimate experience.

But that's all there is. Nothing more than you can feel now, that's all there is.

Until next time.

Photo by me, Jan 19, 2018

#depeche mode #global spirit tour #live music #long post

2 notes · View notes

nitratestock · 4 years

Text

One by one, like a painful slow drip from a finite source, we lose people to time, people who contributed positively to the world in ways political, artistic, scientific. One by one. Considering the sum total is simply too great, we need stagger. For those who share my year of birth by a margin of three years give or take on either side, we’ve been lucky. Lucky in the sense that the stagger has been long and wide. Over the last decade we’ve lost some important people, particularly important to our early life, the exit of our single digits and the early part of our teens. Early on I was crushed by the death of Sidney Lumet, in 2011, a giant of the film community. I wrote about his passing back then, at the point of worst emotional pain, as bad as one can feel without being a family member or close friend. Since then we’ve lost Cimino. We’ve lost Nichols. We’ve lost Varda. We’ve lost Akerman. We’ve lost Hooper and Romero. As we brine in our Gen X jar, we unfortunately transition from sniper fire to machine gun spray. Legato becomes staccato. People of my age group watch in horror as heroes depart. It’s no different of any other age group, perhaps only more enhanced by the increased prevalence of mass media over the course of the last century and into ours. Distance and folklore becomes nearness and screens. In either case we involve ourselves in the lives of others, in ways good and bad. At worst we connect through this urge to pillory those who are guilty of our very same sins. At best, we mourn the passing of a public figure we’ve come to acknowledge, without their knowledge, as a friend. Hopefully out of benevolent interest, that last part.

So I say with the melancholy of a film fanatic that came of age in the 80’s and the heft of a life, if averages count, mostly lived at this point, that the recent passing of one Alan Parker left me despondent. Perhaps not for the fate of the world, but definitely for the fate of film as a malleable form that might struggle with the twin purposes of art and commerce and succeed somehow. Film fanatics, or as I prefer to refer to myself and others, Cinegeeks, often find themselves drawn to figures within the film world considered 2nd or 3rd tier interviews, whose body of work might contain two or three masterpieces amongst a body of mediocrity, or who might have a mostly or even highly successful box office record but never get critical acclaim. Fanatics like to champion the underdog. It’s our nature. To a degree Alan Parker found himself in this category. Partially because his CV didn’t fit neatly into the Auteur Theory folder. Partially because he didn’t play the normal Hollywood game. It’s sometimes overlooked that the boldest outsiders during that New Hollywood era knew how to play the studio/PR angle and did so like sawing a harp from hell. I’m looking at YOU, Coppola and Scorsese.

Parker had artistic ambitions, some would even say pretentious ambitions, and yet I defy anyone to observe his body of work and not see a blue-collar hardscrabble mentality etching away at the base of all his films. He failed sometimes, but in all endeavors he struggled not just to ensure proper light diffusion, but to connect the audience to the scene that was unfolding and the characters within all of that art direction and brilliant cinematography. In his debut feature, the cult classic BUGSY MALONE, he invited audiences to indulge in the lark of basically watching an updated Little Rascals film as whipped-cream St. Valentine’s massacre. With an infectious soundtrack by Paul Williams. And it worked and still works. In MIDNIGHT EXPRESS, he sought nothing less than to put you through the Turkish prison system at its most barbaric. And damn, did he succeed. In FAME, he sought to enroll you in La Guardia High, the School for the Performing Arts, partially ushered in by one Mr. Lumet, and he brought you into the NYC streets to join the dance. In SHOOT THE MOON, he dragged you through the broken glass and nails that is a brutal divorce. Most critics still feel it’s the film that’ll never be topped on that topic. And yeah. It’s punishing to this day.

That’s just his first four films. He followed MOON in the same year with his cinematic distillation of PINK FLOYD’S THE WALL, as ambitious, reckless, insane, obtuse and inspiring as any art film dared to be. He waged one of the bravest, constant battles between the band, their label, his studio and the inevitable lash or backlash from the critics and the crowds as any director dared in that decade, which had now, even by 1992, belonged to Reagan and Thatcher’s crowd. It worked, it was a success on its own terms. It stood with QUADROPHENIA as one of the few successful adaps of a “RockOpera” to screen. And it would serve as an insanely influential piece of cinema/album mashup. I can’t think of another film that’s even attempted to match it to this day.

Parker’s true gift was that of exploration, and this was evinced by his sojourn from cinematic genre to cinematic genre. Like great directors before him, he felt the need to examine and exult in them all. He turned after 1982’s twin trials to what many referred to as William Wharton’s “un-filmable” novel. Parker found a way to film it, and in the process crafted a minor masterpiece, and the first film in his American Gothic trilogy. BIRDY is about so many things; the horror of war, the futility of grand romantic dreams, the last days of glorious, unweighted childhood. It succeeds in all those ambitions, but what it is squarely about is the healing power of friendship, of that bond between brothers that even the trauma of battle cannot best. He accomplished this in two different time periods and two different venues; the 60’s early and late, as disparate as a decade could get from itself; then the wide, economically depressed funland expanse of post-WW2 Brooklyn, against the claustrophobic, chiaroscuro lit cell of the VA, where the only shadow to hide within lies beneath the mottled cot. All of Parker’s CV can be described as character studies of one form or another. Here he began a three film sojourn into America’s pockets, its secret soul and even its original sins. He’d leave the punishing abandonment of what once was the City of Brooklyn as it stood circa 1962, for a far more insidious and painful abandonment, one of a whole swath of the country and of its stolen populace.

ANGEL HEART was ostensibly a mashup of horror and noir, a neat trick that any successful director would’ve been drawn to, especially in the MTV 80’s, a music video era (greatly inspired by directors like Parker, I might add) that found itself drawing on the tropes of past cinema genres in a highly stylized way. The synopsis implies a simple morality tale, a private eye hired by a seemingly nefarious talent agent to track down the client who’s eluded him. Perhaps by supernatural means. Parker expanded on the location by quickly resetting the action from Brooklyn to New Orleans, after a quick trip through Harlem. White culture has to answer to and for black culture in America, and Parker employed this almost caricature smoke-and-topcoat shamus to do this investigation. There is great butchery in ANGEL HEART, which I’ve always believed reps the butchery of slavery and the Jim Crow era. There are bold implications and terrible consequences for what we now term “cultural appropriation”, from Johnny Favorite’s Depression-era crooner stealing from black artists to the Krusemark’s adoption of the patchwork voodoo religion. Above all, there is guilt. There is a clear through line, as clear as Capt. Willard’s river to Kurtz, toward White America’s brutality, ongoing. Harry is our surrogate, should we choose. He goes on his own journey of discovery that becomes, unwittingly and surely unwillingly, one of SELF-discovery. His final manic, desperate denial is the same as any who enjoy white privilege to this day while at the same time being wholly unaware of it: I know who I am. If ANGEL HEART is the one he’s going to be remembered for, I believe it’s this subtext, unplanned or otherwise, that will allow it the test of time well over the brilliant cinematography and perhaps Mickey Rourke’s finest performance. Parker would next attempt to expand on this subtext and present it as text, with very, VERY mixed reactions.

MISSISSIPPI BURNING was a project begun with noble intent, I believe. In an era where white men still got to tell the black narrative in America. While I forgive a lot of the film’s dramatic license, I fully agree with its detractors as well. 1988 was a tipping point for tone-deafness in the film industry. Had Parker made BURNING a decade or so prior, it might enjoy a better rep in the context of its time. The end of the 80’s demanded better. I’m a fan of this film, as a film, not as a history. In the same way I’m a fan of well-crafted cinematic narratives that have dated very poorly. The tragedy of MISSISSIPPI BURNING is not just that he made so well-crafted a film at a point in the timeline when something more inclusive, honest, and better representative of history was possible, it’s that he chose fiction for fiction’s sake. Nevertheless, it was the second and final Oscar nomination for direction he’d receive.

Parker remained in this wheelhouse of American guilt for 20th century wrong-doing. COME SEE THE PARADISE was an earnest attempt to depict, to REMIND America really, of the awful Japanese internment camps of the WW2 years, the venerable FDR’s greatest sin. At the height of his filmmaking powers he was unerring in his balance between stylistic pursuit and substance. Alas, with this effort and his previous, glow softened suffer, and the heart of the tale proved elusive as a result.

Maybe he had a moment of clarity then, after these ambitious but perhaps stultifying efforts, and decided to return to a genre that had stood him in good stead. Parker turned to the homespun Celtic kick of Roddy Doyle and decided to create a real-life soul/funk/r&b band from scratch for THE COMMITMENTS, which most will agree is his last great film, though his later fare has its champions, and fair play to them. For a director so well known for his meticulous prep and focus he fared incredibly well in filming wild abandon. Maybe it was a mode he needed to consciously shift into gear for, but once there he cooked quite a stew. The film delighted both critics and audiences, and also helped re-start a soul music resurgence, helped in no little way by the film’s pre-fab ensemble, who’d take to the road for a series of live shows with various members of the celluloid iteration in tow. Some might argue that he retreated to a stance that shied from his previous inquiries regarding the separation of cultures white and other, and the theft perpetrated by one on the other, and in doing crafted so populist an entertainment as to render the argument moot. That’s a fair assessment. Some others might argue that a truthful, passionate depiction of people inspired by others different from their living experience, plaintively plying their art, is honest work as well, no matter their skin color. The debate won’t go away. And it shouldn’t. In terms of moviemaking, though, Parker had fired on all cylinders. Perhaps for the last time.

The remaining decade-plus of his work was, in most estimations, workmanlike, with the odd Parker flourish here and there recognizable to his fans. THE ROAD TO WELLVILLE was an eccentric choice as follow-up, and also as navigation through the early days of a new and unsure decade (He’d already travelled the biz director-driven, to producer-driven, and was now in the who-the-hell’s-driving 90’s). It features several fine performances, from recent and deserved Oscar winner Anthony Hopkins to the still-finding-their-way Matthew Broderick and John Cusack, and its huckster-health theme does still resonate, or at least it SHOULD, as well today as then as late 19th century. If it ultimately found no target to spear, it remains a well crafted and intentioned work. EVITA was no sleepwalk-to the-Oscar gig, even though the resulting film is at best assessed as a dreamily-hued mess. Parker took on the challenge of a legendary broadway smash, one that Hollywood had been desperate to film for well over a decade. A lesser director would’ve turned the camera on and yelled “Sing!”. But Parker was one of the few who’d found success in the post-studio era with one of its warhorse genres, the musical, which had diminished, and decidedly felled such giants as Coppola and Bogdanovich at their peak or near-peak. It’s a noble effort, if it comes up short. It’s not quite empty Oscar-bait, but it’s well shy of a film with a purpose. He either directed or was gifted a great Antonio Banderas perf, and he did his damnedest with Madonna, which is sorta the theme of her career don’t send hate mail. He got a hard-won, decent turn out of her, perhaps not the magnetic dying star that the role demanded, but an actor giving her all. That’s still worth something, even if they’re miscast. For further evidence I direct you toward Matt Damon in THE TALENTED MR. RIPLEY.

And here’s the part that I always hate to talk about. Parker was a director who, in my estimation, never sought validation, but always inspiration. It’s the source of his greatest works, and they remain some of the greatest of the post-studio years. He took his best swipe at an unlikely best-seller, Frank McCourt’s wildly successful but impossibly depressing ANGELA’S ASHES. Like EVITA, it had “prestige” built into it. Like EVITA, it was a package deal. Like EVITA, the studio expected some love from the Academy at the end of the day. I feel like Parker was thwarted from the start, tasked with this take of utter poverty and despondency while asked to chase the gold. Had the book come out sometime early in his career, had he discovered it and championed it, and then saw it through production and release, we may have been gifted something along the lines of a Ken Loach or even Buñuel at his most honest. The gilt and geld of the Hollywood studios, especially at that time competing with the newly-found prestige of the indies, precluded any chance at that, despite next-level perfs from Stephen Rea and Emily Watson. It’s a not-unworthy effort to seek out, especially if you're a Parker fan, but in some ways it may have signaled his ultimate abandonment of this art form. Maybe he felt he’d said enough. Maybe he felt he wouldn’t be allowed to say his piece on his terms anymore. Maybe he looked ahead at filmmaking in the new millennium and decided he’d not update his passport to this new continent. For reasons we never fully received, Parker was leaving.

His last film would be THE LIFE OF DAVID GALE, an anti-capital punishment screed that felt out of joint, and not due to the lack of effort from its stars, Kate Winslet and Christopher Plummer. But it’s an aimless effort, deprived of any real bite on a subject molten to a wide swath of the citizenry. It was met with mixed box office and mixed reviews. It left with nary a trace. And then, whether we realized it or not, so did Alan Parker.

It seemed to be a welcome retirement. At least in my following of my filmmaker heroes. I don’t believe I saw one item, one gossip piece, about a new Alan Parker project, about a studio extending him an offer on a prestige or even indie film. He popped up as interview subject and fairly frequently, and seemed to enjoy his status as thus. He’d crafted a remarkable body of work, and by all witness enjoyed remarking on it. He occasionally served as mentor, as when Christopher Nolan reached out to him. He’d definitely serve as defense attorney, especially when the subject of Mickey Rourke came up. He absolutely and most magnificently served as beacon to a whole generation of film lovers and future filmmakers, kids who were desperate in the corporate/production team/CAA 80’s to cling to films of their generation they could call their own. At a time when art and the so-called “auteur” was a dirty word in Hollywood he was able to put the work he’d crafted into your head and into your heart. I’m not sure if we’re gonna see another Alan Parker, and he’d be most upset by that notion, but if you’re reading this, and you find this possibility unacceptable, go grab a camera and be another Alan Parker. We’re waiting.

1 note · View note

maddiicake · 4 years

Text

A Decade in Review

I actually wrote this at the beginning of the New Year--and, technically, New Deacade--, but I figured I’d also have it here for those who follow me on Tumblr and not on DeviantART

So, heads up, this is going to be a super long post, so I will put the extent of everything under “Read More” below, if you’d like to continue.

Thanks for your time

A Decade In Review

Well, the more I think about it... the title should be: "The deterioration of an individual through their slow painful spiral into the fiery pit of failure". Anyway... I don't really do the "Art Progress" meme things that people make for New Years Eve/Day, mainly because, for me, there wouldn't be a point. For other artists, yes, I'm sure it helps very much to show where they started off and where they are now. (Though, I did make this one way back in the day, but haven't made any since then). But, for someone like me, whose had a stagnant art quality for half of this decade now, all the pieces I would put together would just look exactly the same quality-wise xD So, I just like to take the time and write out everything together in a Journal. All in one go; no drafting or edits (unless, of course, there's grammatical errors that I spot after posting). I don't have any Resolutions for this upcoming year, especially since I didn't complete any of my resolutions from last year (except for the "save your money" one). But, very rarely do people follow through with their Resolutions--and, of course, it's awesome when they do. But, since a decade has passed... and since I've been a figure on the internet for a decade now, I'd just like to take the time and reflect on everything that has occurred since 2010:

2010

I actually wouldn't exist on DeviantART for another year (and wouldn’t be on Tumblr for another year after that). However, I got my start on Ye Ole FanFiction.Net. Yes, I was a writer before I was an artist. In fact, even before our home was wired with the internet (which was around 2008/2009), I would do nothing but stay up late and write. Before I got my first computer, I would have tons of notebooks with nothing but fan-fictions written in them. And, after getting my computer, I would transfer those written works to be a little more polished in a Word Document; and, from there, I would continue on with the story I was working on. You don't have to worry about killing trees when everything is on a file xD Of course, dumb little me didn't think to separate each chapter into different Documents. So, now there is a 800+ page document still on my computer of a "saga" of a Pokemon Mary Sue. That story was never posted, and will never see the light of day, unless, of course, I hit some special Milestone (probably a YouTube Subscriber because me going through it could only properly be done in video format--with my commentary and cringe over top of course xD). But, you know what was posted? My Ouran Host Club fan-fiction: "Fitting In". Still in that "Mary-Sue"-ish OC, phase, but I wanted to make this character more interesting and believable. So, with my anime crush, Kyoya, paired up with my Ouran OC, I set out to form my story. Completely unbeknownst to my parents, because they (specifically Mom--go figure) frowned upon me just reading fan-fictions. Because, in my mother's own words: "It's other people's fantasies". (Looking back on that now, her reason makes absolutely no sense). But, I enjoyed writing and enjoyed the series. So, after my parents had fallen asleep, I would write a chapter through the night and then posted it. Somehow, after a few chapters... my story got pretty big: tons of faves, followers and reviews--it was insane! Here I was, just being a geek, like everyone else, and enjoying the fandom. And yet, for the first time in my life... I felt what it was like to be truly supported. It wasn't support for something I didn't have interest in or was coaxed into doing (like with my parents). This was something that I enjoyed, even if it was just for fun. And people actually liked it. They actually supported me for what I liked. From there, it just continued to help me press on and keep moving forward. So, while balancing out my last year and a half of high school, I challenged myself to upload a chapter every week. And, I succeeded. I remember one Review from a user that said: "I literally got home from school and rushed over to my computer, because I knew there would be a new chapter!" Little did they all know that I actually would write the chapter all in one sitting. Yep, pulled an all-nighter the day before just to write out the chapter and then post it. I eventually did tell my parents. This was after my story had gotten a pretty good amount of following and faves to be considered--in the Fanfiction.net society--a Fanfiction worth the time to read. Dad was actually really happy and proud, even going to tell my mother about it just to "show me off". It felt nice to have his support--awkward, yes, but still nice. Mom, of course, didn't care; not that I was surprised in the slightest. But, even if I had one parent's support, the whole mass of support for individuals over the internet was able to compensate for the lack of support I received from my maternal unit.

2011:

Still writing early into the following year. I had attended my first anime convention at the beginning. mostly because J. Michael Tatum--the English voice for Kyoya--was a guest, but also other Ouran English DUB actors, including Vic Mignogna. While I was aware he played Tamaki, it wasn't until I sat in on one of his panels that I realized how popular he was among the anime community. He got many questions regarding this series called Fullmetal Alchemist. Because of how everyone seemed to know of this series (except me, of course), that was the first thing I would look into after crashing at home at the end of that weekend. Like with everyone starting out, the search results provided me with the original Fullmetal Alchemist series from 2003, so I started with that. Needless to say... it was definitely a 180 turn from Ouran, with how dark and depressing that it seemed. By the time I got to the episode with Lab 5, I didn't watch another episode for months. Long story short: Chimera!Tucker scared the absolute sh*t out of me--didn't help that I was watching the episode at night either. Parallel to those months, however... I was writing my newest Fan-Fiction, "Fire and Ice". Completely taken full interest in the Fullmetal Alchemist series, I created my newest OC, Danielle. Now, I made the mistake of jumping the gun with her creation as well as her story. Because I was still very very new to the series, and didn’t quite get a grasp on the canon character's personalities to be able to portray them In-Character well enough. Not to mention that I didn't quite understand the "Rules" of the FMA universe when it comes to creating an OC. But that's where DeviantART comes in. I made an account in the fall of that year and would post every so often. I used dA more as a secondary account just for the more visual references of my stories. So, in other words, I was promoting my main account (FF.net) by broadening expanding myself to other sites. dA being more visually oriented for creators, while FF.net was more for the story/world-building end. So, with two accounts on opposite spectrums of one another, I continued to create my stories and characters. Of course, Fullmetal Alchemist was a very popular fandom, and with the Brotherhood series being new, the fandom was more hyped up than ever. I kept to myself mostly, because I was more on FF.net than dA. However, after a while, I wanted to interact with the audience I had gained from being on dA. So, I would draw my characters and scenes from my story more often. Granted, I didn't have a tablet at the time, and would scan my sketchbook drawings in to post them. I would even try to go the extra mile to scan them in and re-purpose them digitally with GIMP (the only program I had at the time); again, though, no tablet, just a mouse. I started talking with other newbie artists and writers in the fandom, and we all started to become really good friends. The majority of us, of course (even myself at the time), looked up to the "FMA OC Matriarchy". Not naming names, but I'm sure a lot of you know the individuals I'm talking about. Inspired by their own detailed digital works, my fan-fiction was put on a hold as I began to become engrossed in drawing.

2012:

The year that marks my actual start as an artist here on dA. Or, if you want my actual take on it: The year that marks the beginning of my "downward spiral into the pit of no return or reformation". At the beginning of the year, I had purchased my tablet with my own money: A WACOM Bamboo Connect. In fact, it's the same tablet I use to this day, even though I have downsized to a much smaller version. Because my mindset at the time (and, to this day, still is): "You can have the most expensive equipment, but it's the artist themselves that makes the quality of the work." From there, along with a pirated version of Easy Paint Tool SAI, I was ready to take the next step into improving myself as an artist. (If anyone is curious... THIS was the first thing that I drew with my tablet). But, despite all that.. 2012 was rough. I picked A LOT of fights, even having the audacity to stand up to the "FMA OC Matriarchy" when there was a fight between the FMA OC groups. I saw their leader and the rest of them for who they truly were. Individuals, who still to this day (based on what I've seen from the 2nd-in-Command), that put on an act to make themselves appealing, welcoming, and "friendly" to their audience, while they're actually nothing more than self-entitled individuals who get upset because someone so dares to not like the pairing between their figment of their imagination and a fictional character. And that's when I vowed: "I will knock [her] off her throne." This said in regards to the leader of the Matriarchy. Because people, who are looked up to, shouldn’t be behaving in that sort of way! They shouldn't be acting like their word is law and whoever goes against them or disagrees with them should get their head chopped off, metaphorically speaking. Outside of the internet, they're nobodies. They don't have power over anyone when they're no longer hidden behind a keyboard and screen. The number on their profile is just that--just a number. It doesn't mean anything. And, in my mind, they all needed to be taken down a peg and realize that OCs, art, fandoms--whatever--should NOT be taken so seriously! We were all here to enjoy the same thing as them, and they had no right to treat themselves like they were queens, who governed what went on in the fandom. Of course, being a petty teenager... I did (and even drew) some things that I shouldn't have (i.e. making a satire of the Matriarchy as "Mean Girls" at the lunch table). And, I didn't really explain myself to anyone when said: "I'll knock [her] off her throne." I wasn't (and still am not) very good at explaining myself or feeling (or even understanding other's feelings and social cues). All in all that entire year was a roller coaster with on and off fights between myself and the Matriarchy--namely their leader. By the end of it all, I just wanted to quit and give up drawing all together. All I could think about was "There's no way I'll be able to surpass them and knock them off their thrones..." I always have, and still do, believe that I'm not one to be worshiped or put on a pedestal. I make it a habit to tell others that when they gush over me or my art: "I'm just a geek like you ^u^ There's no difference between us." Because I don't want to be treated the same way the Matriarchy was/is treated. I don't want to be seen like them at all, because I was nothing like them. I didn't take things seriously, I didn't treat others like they were lower than dirt to me--I wasn't an "Art Thot". I wanted to be the person that could actually BE A PERSON to my audience; not some high-and-mighty white-tower dwelling jerk like the Matriarchy. But, yet, there I was... dragging out the last of the year; trying to figure out how to not be like any of them, when it seemed like the only way to take them down a peg was to be like them. At least, to be able to surpass them. My mental state took a drastic turn for the worst as I began to become obsessed with these girls. I couldn't stand seeing them. I couldn't stand my friends talking to them (and I still can’t), because I felt like they had no idea what the Matriarchy was like--the way I knew them to truly be. I would constantly tear apart my art and look on it with disgust, because all I could see was just a big comparison between my work and theirs. I wanted to give up. "There's no way I'll pass them". I wanted to show everyone else so badly that there's someone out there that they could truly look up too. Not just as an inspiration for art, but as someone who actually cares about them and others. The days were so bleak, hopeless, endless... ending it all would have been too easy, and giving up seemed too cowardly. I was stuck. ...But, then I met AAV-sama. I had never seen them before at all. They weren't a watcher, didn't fave my works, didn't comment--nothing! It was just an out-of-the-blue comment on my profile: "Hey, wanna RP?" Now... I hadn't RPed on dA for a long while since then. But, I figured that getting back into writing would help take my mind off of everything art-related. So, we talked over what to RP, and they sent the starter. Little did I know that the beginning of that RP would be the start of something amazing.

2013:

The start of my last year in high school (graduated that spring), and would start my first year of Community College for an Art degree. I knew what I wanted to do with my life going from there. It's just, when you have little to no support system in real life, it's very very difficult to get on your feet from there and keep moving forward. Meanwhile, in the world here on DeviantART, I was still drawing little things here and there; working more on improving my ability to draw backgrounds as well as composition. I would still only post occasionally--about once a month or so--, because I was completely engulfed in the world of writing in the Notes section of dA. :devaav-sama: and I were still acquaintances and nothing more than RP Partners at the time. But, she would often share what was going on in her personal life, and, eventually, I would open up as well. From there, our acquaintanceship took a turn into friendship. She helped me find inspiration and creativity, and helped me remind myself of the love for the Fullmetal Alchemist fandom. And that would come the start of our little passion project: The Mustang Conspiracy. New OCs were made and had their own story in Next Gen of the FMA03/Shamballa universe. All the while, AAV, and I became closer and closer while excitedly gushing over scenes we made and even episodes and characters in the FMA series itself. A year after we started creating out series, I created the first picture of our own "Golden Trio". And, with the creation of these new OCs, I met other individuals, who I would become friends with. With these new friends, we all cooed and gushed over our OCs, and even made AUs of our OCs interacting with one another. Like with my Ouran story, I once again felt that love and support--support I knew I would never be able to have outside of the internet (parents/mother). I didn't (still don't) have any friends outside of the internet, so I would often have a tendency to be possessive or overprotective of my friends here online. I liked the feeling of being loved and having friends, and I didn't want it to go away. ...But, ultimately, it did.

2014:

Like with the other years, this was no different of a roller coaster. In the real world, I was passing with 90s and A's in my classes. Of course, Mom's response to my Math final grade, which was a 92%, was a big: "You can do better". (Mother, we're not an Asian family, could you PLEASE let up on the high standards...? -___- ). Anyway... Like always, I found my escape from my toxic family life to the love and support from people who liked me for who I was online. Of course... There were the same emotional disputes between I and the Matriarchy, mostly brought up because I couldn't stand to see my friends interacting with them. What took me by surprise and baffled me the most is that one of my friends became friends (and still is to this day) with the Matriarchy's "2nd in Command". My friend's art was less to be desired, and was far from being among the ranks of the Matriarchy because of it. So, needless to say, I couldn't wrap my head around the reason why the Matriarchy would allow someone like her to be friends with them when they were out of her league art-wise. The Matriarchy didn't ever do that. it was just them, and if you're not in their league, then you're not one of them. There was only one logical conclusion to all of this... They were taking my friends by lulling them into a false sense of security and making them their "friends" just so that they could turn my friends against me. Ultimately, planning to leave me in abandonment and cutting off my support system online so that I would be left with nothing. My friends didn't know them the way I did. I KNEW those people weren't to be trusted, they never were, but I didn't want to make my friends up-happy. Yeah, I can be possessive because of my over-protectiveness for my friends, but... I didn't want to be the one to make them feel upset. So, I kept to myself the majority of the time and bottled it in. And we all know what happens when you bottle things in.... you become a ticking time bomb until you eventually explode, even on the smallest of things. Sometimes, like how it was with me, the bouts of intense anger were in scattered spurts. Now, many of you may remember the time over the summer of the Ferguson shooting, which lasted until the end of the year. Being raised by an extremist (mostly the maternal side) Conservative/Republicans, my family, of course sided with the Cop. Me, not wanting to be kicked out on the streets, I did what I always did when politics came up in my family--which is 90% of the time. I agreed with them and let it absorb me to the point that I had to be like that and think that way to appease them. Clearly, the internet didn't seem to agree, and I was called a "racist" and all but one friend left. She wouldn't last long, but I cherished the fleeting moments we had together. Meanwhile, I continued to draw FanART, OCs, and such for the rest of the year, as well as continue working on The Mustang Conspiracy.

2015:

AAV was all I had during this year. Our friendship had grown to the point that I couldn't imagine a day where I don't talk to her. We had gotten to the stage where we exchanged personal contact info, and have messaged each other little "Good Morning" messages every since day since then. She was my everything. She made me feel like I was everything. If I didn't have her, I probably would find the nearest overpass to jump off of, or work on finding a good sturdy tree in the middle of the woods to tie a noose to. All in all, life wasn't worth living anymore without her. After everyone else had left, she became my one and only, and... it got to the points where I would unhealthily obsess over our friendship because of the constant fear of abandonment nagging the back of my head every single day. Even while working on our story, we took the time to set up a separate Note just for a "Creative Workshop" to further build our characters and make them more well-rounded. Now, during one of my "bleak" moments, I recall the very first time I came across the a certain Community on YouTube (not naming what kind, because I would like to keep myself and my family safe). No joke, I had searched "terrible people on DeviantART", not because I want to find other people deemed "terrible" just to laugh at, but because I was feeling like I was the terrible one. The Community was still in it's early days with only a few channels that would talk about pedos and bullies on the internet--though most of the videos at the time were just talking about pedos. Seeing those videos and watching these users deliver calm and collected speeches about users committing crimes towards children on DeviatnART, among others just laughing at lol-cows doing dumb things, it gave me a light of confidence and inspiration. They handled themselves so well, and were well respected within the Community. So, I made my first videos--not the best, just screenshots of anime characters used as expressions set to my voice reading from a script along with music, all thrown together and edited on Windows Movie Maker. Like how I got big trying something new to a new audience the last few times... this was no different. Except, well, I didn't really feel the love and support as much. However, I did start to realize that the majority of my audience really enjoyed my jokes and the way I handled situations. And, it made me reflect to the days where I would do theater. Being on stage and performing for an audience, making them laugh or impacting their lives just because a character I played happen to inspire them... it was the best feeling in the world. Up there in front of hundreds of eyes watching you, and entertaining them... it's the greatest feeling in the world. Performing was my life, it was (and still is) where my heart is and what makes me truly happy. So, while I couldn't do theater as often, making YouTube videos was close enough, and I could work on those and post them at any time; not having to worry abut a weekend-only schedule or any other time constraints. So, I started small by making jokes about bratty teenagers stirring up trouble on DeviantART, and even clicked with some of the minor channels; doing some collaboration videos with them as well. Of course, there was a group on YouTube called the YTTrollPolice. In reality, they were just kids stirring up trouble, but they would go far beyond random trolling to DoX threats. I was their first target, and, through the collabs with the others, they went after them. I shut my channel down--the others in the community did as well--, just to avoid the target and threat to our personal safety. Kids or not, we couldn't take any risks. The YYTP kid eventually found me dA and stalked me there, even after his account was banned. Taking my mind off of everything, I went back to drawing and interacting with AAV. Then... I met another user in the FMA fandom. It was a rarity these days, especially since the FMA fandom was slowly starting to die out (mostly because of me, since I was the one who made everyone--including the FMA OC Matriarchy--leave the fandom, never to return again). While I was still hesitant, as well as having those "abandonment fears", I decided "What the heck? It could just be a one-time conversation." Well... it wasn't a one-time conversation. We started talking and chatting on and off from there, and even became friends. I did my best to encourage her, because, well, I was just like her starting out. And, with practice and effort, she'd be flying on her own. Seeing every new piece she made--a HUGE improvement in such a short amount of time--, I felt what I believed to be pride. Not the selfish kind. No, I was proud of her. She looked up to the Matriarchy just like I once did. But... instead of saying anything against them around her, I encouraged her. I made sure that she didn't follow the same path that I did. And, one day, she sends me this excitement-filled note about how the Matriarchy's 2nd-in-Command +watched her and they started getting close. She had done it, and with my recommendations, she became friends with my former friends. Because despite what had happened, they were good people (or so I thought until 2016). Not only that... she also gave me hope. By giving me the name "Saki", she helped me find hope that I could turn around and become better. And, with that hope, we became closer and our friendship grew from there. Of course, with that fear of abandonment still at the back of my mind, I enjoyed our friendship for as long as the amount of time the bomb had on it. Because, at that point, my mind always saw all friendships that way--they were all the same and ended the same. So, it was best to enjoy the present until the inevitable moment when that bomb would go off. Near the end of the year, I received a Note on dA from a user I had never met, seen, or interacted with before. They and their friend had a Joined-channel that talked about brats on DeviantART and made fun of them. This user said that I was one of the ones, who inspired them to get in to the community. I let them know about the situation and why I left; they understood, but we started to chat, and they welcomed me into their group of friends. (For the sake of continuity through this journal, we'll call them "The Group"--Again, keeping it vague for my and my family's safety). We would just have fun chatting, geeking-out, and having streams reading bad fanfictions. During one of those streams, I got a message from a user, who was helping me with updates from the YTTP. According to them, the kid that made the DoX threats and stalked me and the other old users form the Community had the real police called to their house, and they ceased all intent with their "Troll Police" habits. And, like I said in that stream: "Now that they're gone, I think I'm going to start making videos again."

2016:

The beginning marked the year of when the story of The Mustang Conspiracy was put on a hiatus. I had finished Community College with an Associates in Arts and was working on where to go from there, and AAV was in the process of going back to school for her own degree. So, with personal life taking up a bit more of our time, we put the story on the shelf; however, we still worked in our "Creative Workshop" for our characters, for when they would eventually come back. Aside from that, I was working on starting up again on YouTube. I had made two accounts this time: one for my Art/Speedpaints, and the other strictly for "those videos". Posting my drawings, as well as the quality of my art, was an an all-time low; and it would be that way for another year and a half. Had I known that becoming absorbed in the Community at the time would take a huge strike to your art, I wouldn't have thought twice about going back. But, I felt like I could be someone within that Community. After every video, I felt just absolutely amazing. It was like everything I had bottled up for years could all come out full force just in one video. People liked me and supported me, that's what mattered the most. Sure, it wasn't the same like and support I used to feel, but it was support regardless, right? It was best not to complain and be happy with what I had. So, from there, I continued on with making videos. Meanwhile, on DeviantART, I decided to open up commissions. I had only done so here and there when people asked about how much I would charge for (X kind of picture) back in 2013. I wanted to make it more like a professional info sheet, since I was nearing the point where I would be seen as a "professional" (quote unquote; because I didn't--still don't--see my art anywhere close to be seen as "professional" ^^; ). But, I digress... I set up my sheet, and some people from The Group even commissioned art from me. Until mid-May when one of my former friends (one of the ones that left in 2014) began going to my commissioners and saying that I "traced" my commissions. How did I find out about this? One of my "friends" form The Group sent me a message asking if I could get in a call, and she laid out what was going on. My "friend" from The Group was also friends with my commissioner, and they (my "friend" from The Group) was in a message with my former friend via Notes. I explained to my "friend" from The Group about the situation from a few year ago, and (during this time) they had my back (note from present me, this was a bad mistake to do. You DO NOT divulge any information like this to people from The Community. This reason will be explained in the later in this section as well as the 2019 section). Of course, what was I to do? I was a small DeviantArtist with an even smaller YouTube following on both channels. But, I had enough of being treated this way and made a video about my former friend and what was going on presently. To my surprise... the video blew up in just a short amount of months. Many of my other friends came out to say that they agreed with me and had disliked this individual's behavior even before this occurrence. Though, had I known about it at the time, I wouldn't have made a video, I would have filed a lawsuit. Because, in terms of legal definitions, what my former friend was doing was a form of Tortious Interference. Of course, that was a term I didn't know about until early 2019, so there was no way for me to know that what my former friend was doing was a liable court of law offense. But, what was done was done. Of course the Matriarchy found out (go figure; they're all connected to each other). But, regardless of what happened to my former friend, I didn't care. At the time, I felt like she deserved it. Little did I know that that unsympathetic callous feelings was just the beginnings of the toxic environment of the Community getting to me. My channel started to get big really quick, and, looking back now, I see that many of The Group were more than likely upset or jealous of this. Because, in August of that year, they were quick to turn on me instead of sit down and talk things out like friends are supposed to do. They quickly dropped me, started spreading rumors, even went so far as to tell my former friend that I was going to make another video on them. I was labeled as "toxic", had hate-art made of me defaming my character, and they even made an alt account to spam my name in the comments and notes of one of their former friend (because "Saki" is such a "mean-sounding word" apparently...). The time bomb had gone off, but, unlike the other times, I wasn't even ready for it. And, up until the end of the year, I was a mixture of mad an upset, going through all sorts of emotions on the spectrum. How stupid I was to not see that I was falling in with the "Wrong Crowd". How I shouldn't have even attempted to restart my channel. How I shouldn't even have grown close to these groups of people. It would all end the same. It always did. Yet... I wasn't ready for it. Now... 2016 is a year that the majority of people despite, mostly for the results of the USA's Presidential election. Personally, I don't care for politics, but there were other things on my mind that day. See, that morning, the very same day as the election results, I had received a call from my doctor about my recent biopsy's results: Papillary Thyroid Carcinoma--Thyroid Cancer. Sure, it's not as serious a cancer like Breast or Brain, but it was cancer nonetheless. So, I was scheduled to have a total thyroid removal at the end of November, and would be put on a super restricting "iodine diet" for the majority of December that would last through the entire holidays. Christmas Dinner was torture; only able to eat a very small selection of things, while watching my family eat such amazing and delicious foods. The following week, I was quarantined in my room because I was completely radioactive. Despite craving that delicious food from Christmas, I felt like I would throw up if I ate just a cracker. My week of quarantine was was literally nauseating, completely miserable, and, above all else, absolutely boring. I could only entertain myself with my phone, because I didn't want to touch anything else--it would just be more to thoroughly clean immediately after use. January 1st Midnight of 2017 was spent in my room listening to my family excitedly cheer "Happy New Year". Needless to say, out of all the years this decade, 2016 was the worst.

2017:

With the residuals of what occurred between The Group and I gradually sputtered to stop, I took the time to stay off the internet a little and focus on my real life. I had to do something with my life. I know what I wanted to do with it. But, the thought of my parents not agreeing with my decision and not being proud of me held me back far too much. Despite having an Associates in Arts and wanting to go in a field that was about The Arts, my parents' (mother's) constant comments of: "Digital Art Degrees are a hit or miss when it comes to getting a job", "You'll never make it out in the Art field", "They're called 'starving artists' for a reason", and then she would proceed to offer ideas for jobs that required either a Science degree or a Medical degree. And... I believed her. Through her constant comments, she had coaxed me to reluctantly work to something she wanted me to be. I mean, she was right: I needed to find a job that would support myself financially, and if getting a Graphic Arts Degree wouldn't do that, then, well, I wasted 4 years of my life in Community College. So, with my mind thinking "Back to Square One", I set out to look for a part-time job. And, in February, I did. It was a short-shift job, but it paid a decent amount to get by for a while. Meanwhile, I paid less time online; only making a few videos for my channel now and then, but also wanting to get my Art/Speedpaint Channel off the ground with videos that are years old (and videos that, to this day, I still have yet to edit and post), as well as posting art when I could (once or twice a month). There wasn't much else that was eventful for the rest of the year; not until a week before Christmas. On our home's doorstep was a package from Amazon that contained an "Adult Coloring Book" titled: Calm the F*ck Down and a pack of Prisma Coloring pencils (which, by the way are not a cheap brand of pencils). Who had sent it, we weren't sure. I know I hadn't ordered it, and I didn't have an Amazon account at the time, so the assumption of it being on my "Wish-list" was out of the question. But, it was a week before Christmas, so it was probably from an out-of-state relative. Little did I know that the individual, who sent it was not either of the two, but someone who I had known, yet hadn't met in real life. And their reasons for sending me the package? Malicious, devious, and text-book level of a psycho. I wouldn't know the identity of said person for another two years. All in all, this year brought new people for me to befriend and meet as well. Of course, after everything that happened, I was very very hesitant to pursue friendships with them. What was the point anyway? They would all end the same. At this point, I had already begun to accept who I was: A narcissistic, selfish, heartless, backstabbing, toxic, indifferent annoyance, harassing, ungrateful, apathetic, hurtful, manipulative, bullying, dramatic, sensitive, arrogant, petty, spiteful, over dramatic, drama whore, lying, shady, sociopathic bitch. People don’t change. I can't change no matter what. But, that’s okay. I’ve come to accept it. And I'll keep doing my best to protect everyone else that I care about—those very VERY small few that are left. The more I can protect from getting close and affected by the monster, the better. Nobody in this world deserves more of that. I tossed those Placebo-Effect pills away, so I could stop lying to myself once and for all that "I changed" and "I'm a better person now". There was no way that, after all that happened, that was true. There's no point in denying it or hiding anymore. I am who I am. I don't like it, but that's just the way things are, and I will forever be that person--No. I'm not even human after all that I've done. I'm a monster, and I'll be that way forever. My Cancer wasn't able to get rid of everyone else's suffering--suffering by the fact that I exist--, and I wouldn't be able to give them that release and make things right once and for all.

2018:

At the cusp of this year around January-February, I had noticed that the friend in the FMA fandom (the one who had given me my new name as well as hope to become better), hadn't been interacting with much as she used to. I found it strange, and I didn't want to assume anything, so I messaged her via Tumblr and asked if I did anything to upset her. Because, after the knee-jerk reactions of the Community, I had come to prefer talking things out with an individual and fix problems in a civil manner. Well, we did talk things out in a civil manner. But, long story short, she didn't want to be friends with my anymore. Her reason: Because she didn't want me to make a Video about her. Where did she come up with that reason? I never made any mention of it to her, and the only reason why I made the videos on my former friends because they actually did something to me and were going out of their way to commit Defamation per Se and Tortious Interference--among basic libel and slander. She had done nothing to me that would make me want to even consider making a video on her. However, despite my best efforts of trying to reassure her, I eventually had to reluctantly respect her wishes and let her go. We un-watched each other, and that was that. But, something was odd... Not only did he un-watch me, but also blocked me. Un-watching, I could understand. But blocking as well? That didn't make any sense... After months of having the worry drive me insane, I eventually came to the realization that tore my apart. I didn't want to believe it, but, after analyzing everything that occurred, nothing else made sense except what I had realized. She was USING me. She was only friends (and "litter sister" to the 2nd-in-Command) with the entire Matriarchy because of me. And what thanks did I get? NOTHING! She gave me false hope that I could change and be better--lying through her teeth the entire time. Not only that... she PRETENDED to be my friend. Like everyone else, she knew my weak spot: Friendship. All that mattered to me. Having the support group to escape to when my parents (mother) didn't give me any and tried to drag me away from the things I loved and enjoyed. They knew it. She knew it--it was her plan all along, wasn't it?! She used me. She. USED. Me. Slept her way to the top, so to speak, without any effort; just rode along on my coat tails until she had no use for me anymore. ...And I was stupid to fall for her feigned innocence and let her get away with it. I stupidly turned around, thinking nothing of the situation until she plunged her knife deep enough to the hilt right through me. ...I know that's an extreme jump to conclusions, but what else was I supposed to think? I thought I was numb after all the other things I had to go through in the previous years. But, after what she did... I couldn't remember a time where I went through that much pain; pain that lasted for months afterwards. Meanwhile, in the real world, I was taking each day by day and doing my best to act as normal as I could around family, despite everything that occurred/was occurring online. I quite my part-time job, and spent the summer looking for a better one; eventually landing a full-time job (my current one) that paid really well and had good benefits. Sure, it took a lot of time away from working on art, especially when the Holidays came around and there was so much overtime I was working between 55 and 60 hours per week. I tried to manage as much as I could with my online status and stay as active as I could though, even if my quality of art never increased because of the lack of motivation and little time I had in between with work in order to put some art together.

2019:

And, now we come to the final year of the decade. I focused more and more on my art and developing it enough to where I became a better Mimicker Artist. Even though there have been many more times where I had to politely put others down when they remarked about "[my] style"; it was a similar reply I would have to make to comments like those before. Other than that, though, there were many ups and downs, like there were every year. Midway through 2019, I met some new individuals, who had left when the Community became too toxic, and got in a call with one of the former friends of The Group (We'll call this individual "J"). Through the call, which lasted about 3-4 hours--there was a lot they had to unpack and let me know--, J informed me of everything The Group was saying and doing behind closed doors on Discord. Even going so far as to get their (former) connection, who had easy access to the Deep and Dark Web, to go after people they they didn't like. One of those people, included myself. Remember when I mentioned that Amazon package I received during Christmas of 2017? It was them. Their reason: "Make [me] so stressed out to the point that [my] cancer comes back in a more severe case and kills [me]." The moment J told me that, I let everyone in the call know that I had to step away for a minute. Then, I muted my mic, and promptly went to the bathroom to throw up. Even if it was way passed midnight after the call ended, I couldn't get any sleep because I was shaking so bad. These people--people, who third-party viewers call "drama whores"--, were more than just that. "Drama whore" was a huge understatement. These people... were psychos. Thankfully, they hadn't done anything else since then (Especially since their little Deep Web friend stopped interacting with them and The Group is against him now). But even so, the fact that these people went out of their way to have me killed just because I was making fun of them for being immature and stupid... it was more than just the epitome of "insane". Who does something like that? Who thinks that the way to "get back" at someone for making fun of you on the internet is to have them killed? Again, thankfully, nothing else has happened since then; but, of course, if it does, I'm calling the police. Back in the real world, I managed to sway my parents to let me go to an Art-Collage. Sure, had I let in on the fact that I wanted to go into Theater or Graphic Arts, they (Mom) would have shot it down immediately and gave me the speech I always got. So, I managed to settle on a Film Degree, which was more like my Plan C (a field that still interested me, but not 100% what I loved), still mostly out of the fear that they wouldn't accept me for a field that I actually wanted to go into. And, for the majority of 2020, I'll be working on saving up to attend that school; hopefully able to get some grants or scholarships so that I won't have to worry about paying the rest of my share after the FAFSA amount is taken out. At the end of the day, and year, at least AAV and I are still as close as ever, and I wouldn't trade her for anything else in the world. I've said it before and I'll say it again: life isn't worth living without her. She's all that I have left in this world that matters. She's the only one I can trust that won't leave or abandon me. To this day, it still baffles me that she didn't drop me and leave, like the others had, when we had our first petty spat. So, if anyone could be considered a "true friend", it would be her. Of course, I still can't get close to others, and I wouldn't even dare try to attempt a new friendship. I try to be nice and civil when others ask: "Can we be friends?" I give them the short explanation of why I can't get close to others anymore, and, luckily, they understand. I know it's wrong, and I should give people a chance, but, after all that's happened, I can't risk anything.

Anyway, so that's my entire Decade in review. It's crazy to think how long it's been since then and how much has happened... The years and events may have changed, but I and everyone else haven't. I know I certainly haven't. Like I mentioned in 2017, I began to accept who I was, and eventually fully accepted it through the entirety of the next year. And, like they have been for almost 10 years, my thoughts never changed on the Matriarchy, and it absolutely disgusts me whenever they (especially the 2nd-in-Command) acts mature and friendly for "brownie points", and saying lies like: "...inspiring others from a healthy approach to pursue whatever they aim for, because it can definitely be achieved. ..." (Not to mention that she has no idea what having an actual reason for anxiety feels like). Well, there's one thing I can agree with her on... there's people that I used to look up to that I shouldn't have. That includes her and the rest of the FMA OC Matriarchs. Because those people are nothing more than self-entitled, immature, holier-than-thou individuals, who act like their word is law, everyone else is lower than dirt underneath them, and use their mob mentality on others for some stupid petty "block brigade" on Tumblr just because someone doesn't like their OC with Ed. Even when I was a small barely-100-watcher DeviantArtist, I saw them all and their true colors and thought that way of them. 10 years later, and my mind still hasn't changed. Because people don't change, no matter how badly they want to--I'm a bright and shining example of that. My goal concerning them is the same that it's always been: "Knock [them] off their thrones." My mind hasn't changed about them. And I still wholeheartedly believe that what they did, have done, are doing is NOT the right thing to do. And I will keep working my tail off until I surpass them and take them down a peg. No one that "looks up to" you should be treated in the ways that they have done over the years. If you're looked up to, be an actual adult for once as well as a good role model. Of course, I am far from being the latter. Little me from 2010 might look at my art and say: "Wow!" But, I just have to say in response: "Kid... forget all you know about art. Go get a degree in the medical or science field. You don't want to go down the path I had to take." Present-Day "Me" isn't someone that 2010 "Me"--or anyone else for that matter--should look up to. I'm not worth anyone's time. I'm a "lost cause" after all, and I'm not someone that should be seen as "inspirational". Not after the things I've done and said over the years. And, through this entire decade, I began to see that the world is nothing more than a dark and cruel place full of people, who will turn against you the moment you disagree with them or abandon you when they have no use for you anymore. (That's not me being "edgy" -__- That's me being realistic). But, then again... had I not pursued this path and found the FMA fandom, I never would have met my best friend, AAV. She's the highlight of every New Year in my life, and, while the world may seem bleak to me the majority of the time... she finds a way to light it up in her own special way. So, even through these ups and downs, I'm happy to have her in my life. She means everything to me, and I wouldn't trade anything else in the world for her. No, we're not a couple--like many have assumed and publicly stated on that rumor--, she and I are just friends. Best friends, yes, but friends nonetheless. But, other than that, I'm going to keep working on art here on dA, because, with this new decade, there will be a new batch of up-and-coming artists. And, while I don't really think I'm someone worth looking up to, I still want to help them work on their craft and make something of themselves. Even if that one former friend used me for her personal benefit... I still enjoyed seeing how happy she was once she was able to start flying on her own, so to speak. It was an amazing feeling, and, knowing that I helped someone achieve that, I just can't help but feel so proud of them. And, I really want to help other beginner artists out and climb up their own mountain. It's okay if some aren't as fast learners as the others; it's the lessons we learn along the way and the mistakes we make to learn from. Anyway... here's to 2020 everyone!

#long post #You Know Who You Are #ironic how within just the few first months of this year.... everything goes downhill xD #Welp. It's always best to get the negative stuff done and over with at the beginning #better to start bad than end bad #madiis musings

0 notes

johnnyrebuniverse · 7 years

Text

Let’s Get Personal Challenge

1: 6 of the songs you listen to most?

Jealousy(Robert DeLong) Genesis(Armors) Tennis Court(Lorde) Fool’s Game(This Century) Drive(Glades) Thorns(Luna Shadows)

2: If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

I would meet my Grandmother. I never truly got to know her because she was in a hospital bed and could never speak to me. So I would meet her.

3: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.

“A hero among commoners, Bacon nonetheless was an aristocrat who simmered over his lack of access to the governor’s inner circle.” (A Patriot’s History of the United States.)

4: What do you think about most?

I think about all the ways I can say hello and goodbye the next time I see her...

5: What does your latest text message from someone else say?

“Yeah tbh…”

6: Do you sleep with or without clothes on?

Depends on how depressed I am. (No judging.)

7: What’s your strangest talent?

I can describe interpersonal struggles to a person’s life by merely looking into their eyes for at least 15-17 seconds.

8: Girls… (finish the sentence); Boys… (finish the sentence)

Girls make better sweaters; Boys make rocks out of feathers.

9: Ever had a poem or song written about you?

Yes actually. I was touched.

10: When is the last time you played the air guitar?

Just now. I always end up doing it when I listen to music.

11: Do you have any strange phobias?

Hmmmm, I’m terrified of holding someone's last words forever in my mind. Does that count?

12: Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?

Never. Q-Tips, are totally natural objects.

13: What’s your religion?

I am a follower of The lord Jesus Christ. :)(Christian) Religion is relative and subjective.

14: If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?

Running or working.

15: Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

Yes. Just yes.

16: Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?

Gaah. Probably This Century.

17: What was the last lie you told?

That I was okay when they asked me how I felt about being stalked by my ex.

18: Do you believe in karma?

I believe in justice.

19: What does your URL mean?

It’s from the Civil War era, a common jock made by Union to Confederates soldiers.

20: What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?

What kind of weakness? Okay okay...fine. W-1: Giving too many second chances, loving too hard. S-1: Singing to bring people together, people, and running fast. W-2: When she runs her fingers through my hair(imma be honest) S-2: When she smiles at me and says I’m strong enough for both of us. :)

21: Who is your celebrity crush?

Oooooo! Emma Stone or Lorde(Ella Marija Lani Yelich-O'Connor.) :) #EmmaStoneandLordeisbae

22: Have you ever gone skinny dipping?

Nope.

23: How do you vent your anger?

Guitar and singing or running...for a long time. It gives me time to think of how dumb I am.

24: Do you have a collection of anything?

Hmmm, I have a collection of loose leaf sketches I’ve made over the years.

25: Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?

Talking on the phone.

26: Are you happy with the person you’ve become?

I’m happier with him that who he was, but still striving for better.

27: What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?

Sound I hate: Crying(breaks the heart) Sound I love: Laughter or piano bar jazz.

28: What’s your biggest “what if”?

What if… I became all the things I swore to never be. Would I be loved?

29: Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

I believe in certain spirits and the Holy Ghost. I like the idea of ghosts and aliens though.

30: Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.

Right: Nothing Left: Corkboard.

31: Smell the air. What do you smell?

Book paper, wood and coffee.

32: What’s the worst place you have ever been to?

Downtown Ohio.

33: Choose: East Coast or West Coast?

East.

34: Most attractive singer of your opposite gender?

Lorde. (Ella Marija Lani Yelich-O'Connor)

35: To you, what is the meaning of life?

To love, live, and strive for good things and give glory to God no matter how hard life becomes.

36: Define Art.

The expression of beautiful things through poetry, music, lyrics, painting, drawing and dancing.

37: Do you believe in luck?

No… mostly because i’ve never had any. lol

38: What’s the weather like right now?

Night. Hot. Florida… hot.

39: What time is it?

9:31 pm.

40: Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?

Not legally. Lol And yes.

41: What was the last book you read?

“Strategies for Academic Success.”

42: Do you like the smell of gasoline?

Yeeessss.

43: Do you have any nicknames?

I have a few. :)

44: What was the last film you saw?

Despicable Me. (I got bored...very very bored.)

45: What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?

Broken heart. Lol (no but really) Dent in my forehead(still there) from a bike wreck.

46: Have you ever caught a butterfly?

Yup. it was kinda terrifying.

47: Do you have any obsessions right now?

Yes...Her… Journalism. Lorde. Making people smile(it counts)

48: What’s your sexual orientation?

Heterosexual.

49: Ever had a rumour spread about you?

Yup, it wasn’t fun...at all.

50: Do you believe in magic?

Not unless chocolate cake counts.

51: Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?

No actually. I just have a lot of sadness for them.

52: What is your astrological sign?

Gemini/Virgo (I have two cause I’m special lol)

53: Do you save money or spend it?

Yes.

54: What’s the last thing you purchased?

Mountain Dew.

55: Love or lust?

Yes.

56: In a relationship?

In heart, mind and spirit.. Waiting in body.

57: How many relationships have you had?

Two “relationships.” but no real ones.

58: Can you touch your nose with your tongue?

Heck no.

59: Where were you yesterday?

School.

60: Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?

Yes... There is something pink on my wrist.

61: Are you wearing socks right now?

Always.

62: What’s your favourite animal?

Wolf, fox, hawk and J-raff’s. lol

63: What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?

What? None that i am aware of. Ask other people. lol

64: Where is your best friend?

I have few in many places.

65: Give me your top 5 favourite blogs on Tumblr.

@haileyisradsauce @champasaurus @toonimated @snarkies @kuvshinov-ilya

66: What is your heritage?

40 acres of land and a beautiful sky to share with someone special one day.

67: What were you doing last night at 12AM?

Writing.

68: What do you think is Satan’s last name?

Bound for hell.

69: Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off?

What?

70: Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?

Not sure. I know me and I know my bad sides.

71: You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?

Save the dang dog and show up with it to work, turning in my things and collecting my last pay check.

72: You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?

Probably only a few people. B. Hold her for all of them. C. Death is afraid of what comes after it. I am not.

73: You can only have one of these things; trust or love.

Love is trust.

74: What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?

Jealousy by Robert DeLong

75: What are the last four digits in your cell phone number?

HA! I don’t own a cell phone, ask my friends… h-hang on, let me e-mail’em real quick for you.

76: In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?

Trust. And little reminders of how valued they are in your life.

77: How can I win your heart?

Pick the pieces up after it breaks. Or hold me… heck, touch my chin, with your index finger, run your fingers through my hair and whisper all kinds of stuff(if we’re being honest).

78: Can insanity bring on more creativity?

Yes.

79: What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?

For her. Yes. But for me it’s driving me nuts cause i wanna just freaking love her out loud.

80: What size shoes do you wear?

10 ½ (That whole “foot size” thing isn’t true by the way *cough* living testimony.)

81: What would you want to be written on your tombstone?

“Overrated and Underpaid.”

82: What is your favourite word?

“Lackadaisical” (Lazy)

83: Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart.

Two hands holding a chipped heart over a cardboard box filled with newspaper. Huh…?

84: What is a saying you say a lot?

“You right” and “I got you”

85: What’s the last song you listened to?

“Holy Ghost” by BORNS. (<3)

86: Basic question; what’s your favourite colour/colours?

Whichever creates a more beautiful illustration of my thoughts.

87: What is your current desktop picture?

My working E.P. Album cover.

88: If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?

My mind.

89: What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on?

“Why do you love me?” Because I’d be terrified if i didn’t tell or show you enough. Having to tell or show how truly i love you would break my heart for you and me. Every kiss would be held by a tear.

90: One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?

Stare...drool…. Fall back asleep and hope it was a dream.

91: You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?

Shape shifting.

92: You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?

July 19th 2017 11 p.m.

93: You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

None. They’ve made who I am.

94: You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?

Are we legit sleeping? Or “sleeping”? If we’re actually sleeping then I’m throwing a lock-in with Andrew Garfield. lol

95: You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?

Well, I’m gonna go to her house and take her to Europe.

96: Do you have any relatives in jail?

Not that I know of.

97: Have you ever thrown up in the car?

When i was like seven or so. Best pair of black corduroy overalls i ever had...ruined.

98: Ever been on a plane?

Nope.

99: If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?

“Testing...testing?”

#fun #games #life #stuff #challenge

1 note · View note