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velvethopewrites · 7 months

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The sob story with this is that I wrote this yesterday and it got deleted before I could save it. I wanted to die cry, basically. Somehow I managed to re-create most of it, after working on it all damn day. (I basically ended up writing over 6,000+ words in one day. Yowza) I still feel as though the first version was better, but…no one knows that but me, I suppose. (And my partner, who got to read it right before the horrors happened). Regardless, I am proud of this and proud of myself for not giving up when it really would have been easy to. So huzzah to the fickle hand of fate and all that stuff.

For Suptober 2023 prompt “starlight”

I tag @fellshish and @canonblastedships and @clarkenting for being super cool reblog buddies, lol (which is just a thing I made up) This is the longest destiel fic I’ve written yet and it will be my first official AO3 destiel! (As soon as I remember how to do that, oy)

Edited: Now with Spiffy AO3 Link! Here!

The Starlight

There were three types of people that visited the Starlight Lounge — drunks, people desperate to score, and the employees that made their bread and butter trying to tame the other two.

Dean Winchester, unfortunately, was a member of that third group. Oh, sure, Dean had been known to put away a fair bunch of liquor in his day, and sure, Dean had definitely been known to do the Bedroom Rodeo whenever the opportunity presented itself. Hell, back when he’d first started at the Starlight he’d often been three types at once. Work, drink, get laid. Sometimes, not even in that order.

But that was past Dean. Current and newly mature Dean (hah) just wanted to work, go home, eat and fall into his bed. Working at the Starlight wasn’t that bad – it had fairly decent pay and it was often interesting. And like everyone else, Dean had bills to pay and he gave more than his fair share to Sammy. Not that Sam really needed it anymore; he was busy working as a law clerk downtown, putting himself through school. But still, Dean wanted to help as much as he could and besides it was his brotherly duty. Heh. Duty.

Tonight, due to the cold and rainy weather, the bar was fairly empty and business had been slow. There was only one of his regulars, a writer by the name of Chuck crying into his notebooks at the back of the bar. To be honest, Dean had never seen Chuck write a damn thing but the man sure could put scotch away like a pro. There was also a young couple making out in one of the booths near the restrooms. He’d been keeping an eye on them most of the night, actually, making sure no one lost any clothing. The Starlight didn’t need a public indecency charge on the books. At least, not so soon since the last one, at any rate.

Dean yawned and finished cleaning up the bar, hoping Chuck and the couple on their way to Soft-Porn Town would soon be leaving. Maybe Dean could even push them on their way a bit early, so he could get home at a decent time, for once. As he walked over towards Chuck to perhaps lightly suggest the writer hit the road, the double doors of the bar blew open – bringing in the rain, the cold rush of the wind and a new customer in a beige trench coat with seriously fucked up hair. Great.

Dean sighed and turned back around as the new guy slumped onto the first stool at the bar. His dark brown, messed up hair looked even worse up close, and he had a scowl on his face as he glared down at the bar in front of him.

“Whiskey. Neat,” Messy-Hair said, voice low and very rumbly.

Dean pulled down a clean glass and poured some of their nicer whiskey into it. Dude looks like he could afford it, at any rate. He had a nice suit on under the coat, now that Dean could properly see it and his watch was one of those big clunky things that could probably tell the time on Jupiter or some shit like that. The man’s hand reaches for the glass before Dean has barely pushed it forward. He throws back the drink in record time and hits the bar with it so that it makes a loud thunk.

“Another one.”

Dean shrugged as the man kept glaring down at the bar as though it contained all the answers to life and everything else; Dean knew for a fact that it didn’t. It didn’t even have a ‘42’ scratched into it or anything. (RIP Douglas Adams)

This time the man just wraps his hand around the glass, his fingers clutching at it and woah, Dean thinks, dude’s got some huge fucking hands. They’re big and they’re strong looking. The fingers are nice and long and graceful and oh, oh, oh. Maybe it’s a kink, or maybe it’s a preference, but Dean loves hands. Manly looking mitts like Messy-Hair here and even smaller, more delicate hands like on most women, with pretty nail colors. But Dean’s not choosy.

He sees motion out of the corner of his eye and notices Chuck signaling that he’d like to pay up. Glancing at Messy-Hair he figures he has a few minutes before having to pour him another so he sets the bottle down and heads over to the other side.

“All right there, Chuck?”

“Yeah, yeah, thank you, Dean.”

The older man is flipping through his wallet and counting out his cash slowly. Dean wipes the bar and puts Chuck’s last glass into the bucket for later cleaning.

“Write anything tonight?” Dean always asks this question. It’s like a little game he and Chuck play because it always has the same answer.

“No,” Chuck says looking up at him. He places his finger to his temple solemnly, almost like he’s holding a gun. “But I did a lot of work up here.”

He always gives Dean this look as though Dean should know exactly what he’s talking about. But, of course, Dean never does. He likes to read but he sure as hell would never attempt to write. Personally, he thinks Chuck is sort of crazy, but hey, to each their own, right?

Chuck pushes his notebooks into his old canvas bag on the bar. It’s bulging with everything he carries with him and looks fit to burst. Dean supposes that writer’s block is heavy business.

Chucks nods goodnight as he slips his bag over his shoulders, buckling a bit under the weight. Dean watches as he wobbles away and he’s not sure if it’s from the alcohol or the bag. He’d normally be worried (hey, no bar can stay in business if all its clientele got themselves killed), but he knows Chuck lives nearby. He’ll be all right and probably in his same spot tomorrow evening. He puts Chuck’s money into the till and realizes he tipped Dean more than usual. He really did have had a good night, then.

He notices the couple trying to break the world record for smooches in a single night are getting up and putting on their jackets. Maybe Dean can get out early; he’s got the DVR set for Dr Sexy already, but he wouldn’t say no to catching it live for once.

Glancing over he sees Messy-Hair is now resting his head on the bar, but he lifts it as the doors bang shut behind Chuck, the cold burst of wind making his hair looking even more disheveled. Dean heads back over to see if he needs a refill and is suddenly struck dumb by the other man finally looking at him. Holy Mother of Blue, those are some eyes. The dude is handsome. Like old-time movie handsome. Strong jaw, with a smattering of scruff, pink soft lips and eyes that look like they can see into your soul, no, scratch that, not see, but pierce. Dean swallows roughly and picks up the whiskey bottle.

“Hey, uh, it’s getting late. One more for the road?” Dean assumes the dude doesn’t know the Starlight is technically open until midnight. Assumes, hah. More like prays.

Blue-Eyes stares at him and frowns. “I thought this establishment closed at midnight.”

“Er, yeah. I suppose it does.”

“Then I’ll take another,” Blue-Eyes pauses and holds out his glass. “And keep them coming for the next forty-five minutes, barkeep.”

Dean blinks at the old-fashioned word and pours another round. They stare at each other until he hears a giggle and a clearing of a throat. He looks over to see the couple and wonders how long they’ve been waiting. Judging from the churlish look on the guy’s face and the barely contained laughter emanating from the girl, it’s been awhile. He settles their tab and takes their money (lousy tip, of course) as the two saunter past Blue-Eyes and escape out into the night. Well, at least Dean can see it’s stopped raining.

Making up his mind, he follows them from behind the bar and locks the door after them. He flips off the sign, too. He may be stuck here with Blue-Eyes, but he’ll be damned if he’ll let someone else come meandering in to make him get home even later.

He comes back to stand in front of his customer and makes a decision. Pulling down another glass, he pours some of the whiskey into it and sighs as the warmth of it hits his system. What do they always say about good whiskey? It should warm the cockles of the heart, or something like that. Not that Dean actually knows what a cockle is, but hey, it went down smooth.

He realizes Blue-Eyes is watching him and Dean decides to bite the bullet. He’s tired, bored and probably on his way to cranky town if Blue-Eyes keeps his word about the next forty-five minutes.

“So, what brings you out on a cold and rainy night like tonight, Mr, uh…what’s your name? I can’t keep calling you what I’ve been calling you in my head.”

The other man squints and tilts his head at Dean like a tiny, confused bird. And no, Dean doesn’t find that adorable at all. Nope.

“What have you been calling me in your head?”

Dean purses his lips. Sometimes he’s really an idiot. He gives Blue-Eyes a shaky laugh.

“I said I wasn’t gonna keeping doing that.”

They stare at each other again, neither one budging until Blue-Eyes releases a breath and blinks, shoulders slumping a bit more. By the end of the night Dean expects this guy to be melted into the floor.

“Cas.”

Dean frowns. “Your name is Mr Cas?”

“No, just Cas.” Blue-Eyes, no, scratch that, Cas then holds out his hand so Dean can shake it like they’re fellow professionals meeting at a party or something. As he grips the other man’s hand in his own he realizes Cas’s hand is warm, dry, and, yep, strong. The dude is seriously ticking all of Dean’s boxes without even trying. It’s a bit unnerving, really.

“Is that short for something?” Dean asks, wondering what type of name that is.

Cas just looks at him over the rim of his glass. “Perhaps.”

Neither of them say anything else for a long moment and Dean shakes his head. “People ever tell you you talk too much?”

“Yes. All the time,” Cas says with a smirk.

Dean laughs. “Well, whatever. It’s officially nice to meet you, Cas. I’m Dean. Humble and professional barkeep at your service.”

“Hello, Dean.”

Cas’s voice is deep but there’s a warmth to it that makes Dean happy. They chit-chat for a bit, just like Dean would do with any newbie to the bar. He pours them both another round and then tries his question again.

“So, you seemed a bit upset earlier. What brought you through my doors, Cas?”

Cas sighs and glances away. He taps his fingers lightly on the polished wood of the bar. He stares at Dean as though assessing him and then looks as though he’s made up his mind.

“My…er, the person I’ve been dating, dumped me tonight. We went to an expensive restaurant and ordered far too pricey food for the serving size and drank outrageously fancy wine. Then they ordered an expensive bottle of cognac, drank it all and then told me I wasn’t worth it.”

Dean winces. “Ouch. How long were you together?”

“Six months.”

“Well, it’s not too long for a relationship, but it’s long enough to hurt.”

Cas nods, looking sullen again.

“What special occasion was it?”

Cas stares at him. “How could you possibly know that?”

“Fancy restaurant, the way you’re dressed, the cognac. Nobody orders that unless there’s been a birth or an anniversary or both.”

“It was my birthday,” Cas says, looking down again.

“Fuck,” Dean blurts out without thinking. “And they dumped you? Seriously bad juju, man.”

Cas nods and takes another drink of his whiskey, looking miserable. Dean tops off both of their glasses and hums.

“What was his name?”

Cas whips his head up, suddenly looking confused and more than a little worried. “I never said it was a he.”

“It was your distinct lack of pronouns, dude. Always the dead giveaway. Trust me, as a guy who plays for both sides, I know. Pronouns are key. Hey, relax, Cas, this is a safe space.” Dean points to the small pride flag he keeps above the bar and watches as Cas visibly relaxes.

The silence that falls between them is comfortable now. Welcoming, even. Cas clears his throat and rests his hand on his chin, peering at Dean.

“So…you’re bi, I assume or, pan, perhaps?”

“Got it in one. Just another bisexual loser ruining the world one lay at a time.”

Dean winks to show he’s only kidding. He’s proud to be bi, but it doesn’t mean he can’t make a joke at his own expense. Of course, if Sam or his friend Charlie were here they’d both tell him what they thought of that.

“His name was Bartholomew.”

Dean snorts. “It fits him. Douche-y name for a douche-canoe.”

Cas barks out a laugh and it completely changes his face into something truly beautiful. Dean suddenly feels the need to always make Cas laugh like that. He can’t imagine anyone not wanting to – his laugh is infectious. And the light it puts in his eyes is irresistible.

Cas looks serious again as he swirls the rest of the whiskey in his glass. “To be honest, Bart was just the last in a long line of failed…connections. I’m doubting my own self-worth at this point. Everyone ends up leaving or they get fed up with me. I’m too introverted…too socially awkward to deal with, I suppose.”

“I don’t know, you seem to be doing okay right now.”

“I’ve been drinking,” Cas says, deadpan. “And also I’m paying you.”

Dean chuckles. “Not really, I decided to stop charging you as soon as I poured my first one.”

“Your hospitality know no bounds. Truly.”

Dean laughs. Cas’s dry delivery and poker-faced expressions really are the limit. He feels that familiar warmth he always gets when he meets someone new. A someone new that excites him. But he pushes the feeling aside because he knows on some level that trying to get into Cas’s pants is so not what the other man needs right now. Dean shivers as he realizes how damn mature that sounds. Next he’ll be looking into 401ks and cemetery plots.

“Well, consider them birthday drinks. Of course, this stuff doesn’t cost a small fortune or anything, but I figured you’d already paid out enough tonight.”

Cas smirks and shakes his head at Dean. “Thank you, Dean. It’s actually very kind of you to…take pity on me.”

He says it jokingly but Dean gets the sense that he means it. He reaches forward and touches Cas’s hand.

“Hey, no pity here. You are ridiculously attractive and if I didn’t have a conscience, I’d definitely be throwing out my best lines here to help you relieve some tension, if you know what I mean. And you are not awkward to me, but even if you were, it wouldn’t be enough to stop me from asking for your number or seeing if you wanted to meet up sometime. I barely know you but you seem like a decent guy, Cas. And I think all of those people that don’t get you can just fuck right off. You need to keep trying, man. Don’t give up just because a few losers couldn’t see what they had.”

Cas blinks at Dean, blue eyes getting huge. “You think I’m ridiculously attractive?”

Dean thinks back. Did he say that? Yeah, he said that. Figures that would be the only thing to register with the dude.

“What sort of line would you use on me? I mean, if you were going to, that is.” Cas shyly glances away and then back, a curious look on his face.

“Oh, uh, probably something like, well you know what they say — the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.” Dean waggles his eyebrows and smirks, faking a leer.

“I’m not sure that would work with me,” Cas says, mirth clear in his eyes.

“Yeah, yeah. You’d make me work for it, I know. But seriously, you need to regroup, clear out the douche-canoes from your life and find a new guy, man.”

Cas smiles at him in fondness, and nope, Dean is not going to do it. He will not break his rule about dating people just out of relationships. Not even for big huge blue eyes that make him feel sappy like a love song. Cas, however, clearly has other plans.

“This may be forward but, um, Dean would you allow me take you out for dinner? As a date, in case you were wondering how I meant it.”

“Oh, wow, Cas, um, I mean…”

Cas’s face takes an interesting journey in two seconds – from hopeful joy to miserable and wretched. Dean feels his heart break a little bit for him in that moment and mentally kicks his own ass for being a tool.

“Oh, I see. I…I’m sorry, Dean. Thank you for hospitality.” Cas fumbles with his wallet and places far too much money next to his glass. “I won’t keep you anymore. Go home and enjoy whatever is left of your night.”

Dean watches dumbly as Cas sits up straighter and then turns in his seat, his broad shoulders unyielding, suddenly. Dean knows he just can’t let it end like this.

“No, wait, Cas!”

Dean practically flings himself around the bar to reach Cas before he can unlock the door and leave without a backwards glance. He rests his hand on Cas’s shoulder, stopping him.

“It’s only because I have a rule about dating people that just got out of a relationship. It has nothing to do with you, I promise you. You need to focus on you, dude. Figure out what you’re looking for. If this one was just the last in a long line of guys who don’t understand you, try and see what people you’re going for. I mean, I’m no expert, and God knows I’ve had my fair share of jumping before looking moments, but I think you just need some Cas time right now, you know? If we ever start something I do not want to be rebound guy and you deserve something better than a one night stand.”

Cas stares at him, blue eyes half in shadow. Dean holds his breath, hoping he didn’t just lose something. All he can hear is the clock ticking behind him and the pounding of his own heart in his ears.

“That was quite the speech,” Cas finally says. “You sound like you know from experience.”

“Cas, man. You have no idea.”

“I have some, like I said, a long line of rejections. Still…” Cas’s eyes search his face and then nods to himself. “Maybe you’re right. I do tend to do things without thinking in this area of life despite being very practical usually. And you’re also right on anther point, Dean. You do not deserve to be “rebound guy”.”

Dean can’t help his grin as Cas makes the quotes motion with his fingers. They stare at each other for a bit longer before he unlocks the door. Cas steps out as the cold air filters in between them, causing them bother to shiver. Dean pauses, and then holds out his hand. “Let me have your phone.”

“My phone?”

“Yeah, you have one, right? Or have you moved on to something flashier like sky writing?”

Cas snorts and shakes his head. He fumbles in his pockets and then pulls out a slim, black smartphone. He unlocks it and hands it over. Of course, it’d be that kind of phone that can help you bake bread or turn off all the lights in the world with just a click or something. He finally finds what he’s looking for and puts his contact information in.

“There. There’s my number. Text me to let me know you get home, okay? And as for the rest, we’ll take it one day at a time, Cas. Let’s be friends, first.”

Cas smiles shyly as he looks down at his phone and nods. “Friends, first. I like that. Goodnight, Dean.”

“Goodnight, buddy. Be safe.”

Cas slips out and away, leaving a coldness in his wake as he takes his body heat with him. Dean watches him go, the black of the night almost swallowing him up. Cas pauses to pull his coat tighter, the glow of the streetlight lighting up his profile. To Dean he looks pure—angelic, almost, like a painting or a sculpture. With one last look at Dean, he eventually fades away, disappearing back into the world. Soon all Dean can see is his own breath in the air and the twinkling starlight from the surprisingly clear sky above. He locks up again and finishes his routine for the night. After he’s put the money in the safe and headed out back to his car, he feels happy inside. Like something good just occurred — like some new path has been cleared for him to travel. His drive home is quick and easy, there’s hardly any traffic mostly due to the earlier rain. It’s just as he’s pulling into his driveway that he feels his phone buzz in his pocket. It’s from an unknown number and his heart beats faster as he reads the message.

From unknown: I arrived home safely, Dean. Thank you, again. Would you like to get coffee tomorrow, or, perhaps I should say, later today? Oh, this is Cas, by the way. In case you didn’t know. :)

Dean saves the number and then returns to the message to reply, a grin creeping onto his face before he even realizes it.

Dean: Of course, dude. Coffee sounds great. Around 1pm?

Cas: Perfect. Do you know the Blue Java Café on Marion and Elm? It’s across from the park and one of my favorite places.

Dean: Sounds good. Can’t wait to talk to you sober, ya lush… (lol j/k hah)

Cas sends him a sticking-tongue-out emoji as a response and Dean chuckles as he locks up his car. He has a nice, happy feeling in his heart as he thinks of Cas. Like maybe this is something special. Or maybe it’s just that it could be and has the potential to be. He knows he told Cas friends first, but Dean’s willing to see where it…where they, can go.

#suptober23 #destiel #prompt:starlight #dean and cas #meet-cute #my writing #biting nails here #like posting stuff is scary #wth #I am not used this anymore #castiel #dean winchester

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jaskierx · 5 months

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This is probably gonna be quite incoherent so bear with me lol. I see that your askbox has become a place to rant (and this one isn’t even gonna be about izzy!! But I need to get my thoughts out somewhere!! Sorry in advance!!)

Anyway it’s been a relief to see other people in the fandom whose least favourite episode this season was ep 6. I always felt almost?? Mean for not liking it as much as everyone else seems to?? (and it’s not even that I dislike it!! It’s just my least favourite!) cause I feel like there was just too much going on for a single episode, everything went by too fast.

Anyway this isn’t about that it’s about ep 7 which most people seem to dislike. And I understand where people are coming from when they say that, I didn’t like it very much the first time I saw it! but after rewatching it yesterday for the first time since it aired I actually gained a lot of appreciation for it! I love the start and getting to see Stede and Ed be all domestic together!! (I’m a sucker for that shit) And I actually really love their fight too, just cause it shows us how much Stede understands Ed! He immediately notices that Ed is panicking and he responds so patiently even after being told that Ed thinks their night together was a mistake. Yes they said some hurtful things to each other but somehow I think that’s the least important part of that scene, at least to me. And it annoyed me when people kept painting Stede as the one in the wrong in their fight!! (Imo neither of them were in the wrong but that’s just personal opinion)

Where was I going with this? Basically I feel kinda alone in not liking ep 6 as much as everyone else and I think ep 7 is kinda under appreciated. Ahdgags I hope that made sense I’m terrible at expressing my thoughts towards media.

Screaming in your askbox cause I don’t wanna get too involved in the fandom myself cause it scares me lol. Thanks for posting good takes tho as always :) it helps me feel a little more sane

no i agree, ep6 is definitely one of my least favourite episodes (covered this a bit in my last ask). i didn't HATE it but it seems to do really well in polls about 'which ep is your favourite' and i just. do not vibe with it in the way that a lot of people do

and i agree that ep7 is underrated and i think that's bc it's objectively not a very feelgood episode and even though djenks had confirmed they'd end up together at the end, when it aired i saw loads of people worrying that they wouldn't get a happy ending at the end of s2, which i think has coloured people's perceptions of it

it's not a bad episode. it's a great episode tbh! we get their breakfast in bed (with twine for flourish) and 'hehe we didn't pay' and stede's newfound fame and his earring and zheng being really cool and frenchie and the gang getting their grift on and everybody's new favourite dearly departed side character steak knife (fly high with the angels king)

the argument itself is also really well written and feels so real (which definitely contributes to why so many people felt some kind of way about it) and manages to cover a bunch of irl relationship issues while still feeling right in the context of them being ye olde pirates - it's a beautiful realistic depiction of poor communication between people who love each other but not themselves and it gave me brainworms so i wrote a meta about it

but yeah overall the Main Event in ep7 is stede and ed arguing and ed leaving, so i get why a lot of people dislike it (or at least like it less than the other episodes) given that from ep3 onwards every episode has a big positive edstede moment (mermaid scene in ep3, 'i love everything about you' in ep4, 'you wear fine things well' and their kiss in ep5, being protective of each other and having sex for the first time in ep6, and obvs two beach kisses and 'i love you. i love you' and moving into their inn in ep8) (i nearly cried writing that out if you were wondering whether or not i'm normal about them)

#asks #anon #fuck it i'm gonna start putting these in the main tag bc i am pouring my lil heart out over here #ofmd #lyse.jpg

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pbpsbff · 27 days

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20 Questions (for fanfic writers)

got tagged by @fieldsofview :)) (and probably someone else. i have a draft of this from november. oops.)

1. how many works do you have on ao3? 47 as of yesterday:)

2. what's your total ao3 word count? 190,927

3. what fandoms do you write for? i've bounced around a lot of fandoms since i was like, 10, but since august 2022 i've been strictly writing for mcu spider-man (technically more leaning toward irondad, but. u know). with this in mind however, i have a couple 9-1-1 wips and am about one bad day away from writing big time rush fanfiction

4. top five fics by kudos: Peter Parker's Guide to: Texting, Twitter, and Tony Stark (2,110 kudos)

Everything's Coming Up Potatoes (439 kudos)

Is That a Potato in Your Pants, or Are You Just Happy to See Me? (422 kudos)

If You Give a Guy a Potato, He's Going to Ask You on a Date (401 kudos)

be mean to me (if you need to be mean) (331 kudos)

5. do you respond to comments?

...

i try my best. i genuinely have no idea how it's gotten this bad (if i ignore your comment please don't take it personally—i forgor)

6. what is your fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? oh god i don't have anything w/ a sad ending posted LOL i'm too much of a sucker for a happy ending. (i do have mcd in my drafts tho!!!)

maybe 15. There It Is Again, That Funny Feeling? It's more of a hopeful ending, but considering the context of the story entirely, it's pretty sad.

7. what's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? every single fic in the series All's Fair in Love and Potatoes. this series is my happy place amongst all the death and despair on my account

8. do you get hate on fics? besides the hate i receive from sapoteylx? no

9. do you write smut i do! it'll never see the light of day but i do!

10. craziest crossover: i hate crossovers sorry guys. on my old ao3 tho i wrote a heathers au hamilton fic and that's probably the closest i'll ever get to one (unless we're counting r&r? since it's technically twd universe?) also this one time (i was 11. keep this in mind) i read a fic that was tagged jacob sartorius/bob duncan and i think about it daily

11. have you ever had a fic stolen? i hope not???

12. have you ever had a fic translated? NO but that would be so cool. i have some regular commenters that tend to comment in spanish and i'm always wondering if it would be easier for them if i had it translated but i only speak engish. idk fic translators are gods gift to writers i fear

13. have you ever co-written a fic before? i cowrote a hamilton chatfic in 2018. next question

14. all time favorite ship? every peter parker ship ever (excluding all the minor/adult ones). big sambucky and pepperony fan too tho

15. what's a wip you want to finish but doubt you ever will? i have this wip that's like, peter agrees to go undercover for a mission because they need info from some big bad guy and peter is obviously the least recognizable of the bunch, but he gets kidnapped and all that good stuff. idk if i'll ever get around to finish it, because it's like 9 planned chapters and that is SO ambitious for me.

also my cellist!peter au? i've been trying to write it but the words haven't come to me idk

16. what are your writing strengths? ooooo i think i'm good at realistic dialogue and character dynamics—i have spent hours of my life on fandomwiki looking at different character's quotes and watching videos of their interaction with other characters because that's something so important to me.

i think i'm good at balancing angst and humor too?? idk the walking dead really shaped my writing style because u can have a silly scene and then 2 seconds later someone is dead on the floor. hope to carry that vibe through everything i do.

17. what are your writing weaknesses? i am so bad at describing settings and character actions. i can always see the scene in my mind but on paper it turns into they are at a house. peter sits down in the chair, and is sad. and it gets to a point where i just give up on trying to fix it

18. thoughts on dialogue in another language? ough if i ever write dialogue in another language i'll be consulting someone who speaks said language (which is what i actually have done!!!! i have a fic coming out soon w a spanish title and i asked aster-argent for help:)). or doing the thing people do where they just put the text in italics and write ," he said in spanish or some shit.

idk for the most part i stay away from it (ignoring the throwaway, casada harley joke i make in my parkner series) because at the end of the day i am a white girl who learned how to count to 10 in spanish because of dora and took 3 years of german.

19. first fandom you wrote in? ok so. i was 11 and on quotev, writing a chatfic about the bands twenty one pilots, panic at the disco, my chemical romance, and fall out boy. the fic is still up and it makes me nauseous to think about

i think technically i had an ldshadowlady fic out on wattpad before that but it was a blatant ripoff of another fic so. i don't count it

20. favorite fic you've written? i think this answer changes every day, and will change when i get my next group of fics out, but as of right now—

i'll put down my roots when i'm dead i'm just so proud of it idk. first time i've ever really met a deadline and probably the most passionate i'd been about getting a fic out since r&r began? i just love the whole thing.

Is Close the Closest Star? this one is definitely a tie with the several other angst oneshots i put out around the same time, but idk something about this fic is so special to me. it's like 6 months old and i know my writing's improved since then, but i'll always go back and reread

okok last one sorry ur making me pick my favorite child. Unrotting Your Insides, Unrooting Your Limbs i am such a sucker for recovery fics sorry. i've written several fics about bulimia but this is my fav because it's just. so soft.

tags

oh god i don't have enough writer friends uhhh @norahdevore. if u have not done this already. i am holding a gun to your head and making you do this (and anyone else reading this. please guys)

#ask game #fic writer ask #shoutout to the person who tagged me lke 6 months ago (pres???)#my bad #im a different person now and that old draft haunts me

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latina4rmbx · 2 months

Text

I Can Buy Myself Flowers...

Sometimes I need to figure my shit out. Sometimes I take so long to figure my shit out that it loses it's luster. I've been pondering this post for a bit and it's learned me a few things:

I need to charge my laptop. As I lay in bed, stroke of insight comes to me, but if I pick up my phone, I'm going straight to social media and there goes my insight. At least with my laptop I don't have social media embedded in any of the apps, I think, and I can get what I need to get off my chest.

I sometimes over/underestimate myself and it's to my own detriment

I was in an extreme emotional state yesterday with no real outlet. I had no reason to cry but I felt that ache or that hollow in my chest. I even asked a friend for a sad movie suggestion so I can get it out. I still haven't seen the movie

I know I've said this before, and I guess I will repeat it until I understand, you really don't realize the impact you make/have made on a persons life sometimes. If you're lucky, people will give you your flowers while you're still here

This is a great segue into the whole reason we're here...

Yesterday I posted a Meme that reads: Her: I ordered us new phone cases. The fucking phone cases (if I can add the pic here I will) then I wrote: Me as a GF. Let me just try to post this thing because 1. it was the catalyst and 2. I think it truly sums me up as a GF and 3. It's cute AF. Take in the entire post lol

An ex-boyfriend reaches out to me to make a joke about the phone cases.

His joke: "This was us but I had more ass than you."

In case you were wondering what my response was...this is the lead up to the crux of this AM post. From here on out I'm going to refer to him as Guy. Another person comes into play and I'll call them Man.

Me: But that's a real message I sent to a real man who probably has more ass than I do too 😂 I haven't checked it out enough. We haven't done sexy time yet 😃

Guy: Whaaaaaat (I didn't count the A's but there were quite a few)

Me: Stop it

Guy: This is real?! Not a drill ?!?

A little more chatting about Man

Guy: Ok well he gets you. That's important

Here is where the mood changes. Up to this point we were laughing, well Guy was laughing at my antics (because I be antic-ing)

Me: Well we don't see each other much cuz life be lifin' the shit out of us but it's good lol. Thanks for inquiring about the drills.

Side Note: He speaks to me in voice note after a bit so I'll have to transcribe. I'll do it verbatim but I KNOW I will cry.

Guy: Good speaking to you again. Instead of us, just sending funny videos to each other... Though I like that too.

Me: Thank you for being everything.

Me: I'm really lucky I met you Guy. I hope you know that. Good or bad you always have a special place in my heart

Guy: Can I say: Ditto. One day I'll be able to put into words what our time together has meant and always meant to me

Me: It's not necessary. I appreciate it anyway

Guy: Well I think people need to get their flowers!!!!

See the correlation to the title now?

Me: I do too & life is shorter than we realize.

Here's where his voice notes start. There are only 2 but each is about a min long so it may take some time (& Coffee) to transcribe. I did not respond to him in VN form. As a matter of fact the conversation between him and I's portion will end with my first response, then I'll move on to something else. It'll make sense

VN1: No, I I I mean that in all truthfulness. Uhm, people deserve their flowers cause you never know when somebody's gonna go or somebody saying I'm never going to talk to you ever again. So, No I wanted to always tell you thank you because I wasn't always uhm I dunno. I guess life gives you perspective once you get some distance and time. I'm not trying to speak deep or like philosophical. It's just one of those things where you know. I remember being young. I remember, you know, being infatuated with you and not knowing how to handle that and also not knowing how to handle when I had unfinished business or you know uhm. There were so many things I was learning on the fly. It's like flying a plane and fixing the wing while you're flying it. I should've just landed the plane and learned my lesson.

VN2: But even when I was flying the plane, so to speak, or hanging out with you uhm, I always wanted to thank you. I mean, you know, there were times that, you know, I really made you feel like shit and I'm sorry. And there's times there, you know, where you and I were at odds for whatever reason, and you know. I wasn't always great, you know. I learned a lot from you. I learned about forgiveness, and I learned about, you know, about how to truly love somebody or what to have when you truly love somebody. Or that so much, that that that our multiple interactions have taught me. From the beginning all the way to the last one. And it was so fun in a weird way to have you in my apartment that day when we were saying good bye to T. And that was kinda like uh, if this was a sitcom, and that was the last episode, it'd be a good one.

Me: The one where we said good bye

If you didn't get it, my response is a nod to ye olde show "Friends."

Here's where it gets interesting/sad, I was crying typing that response to Guy. However, I went to the counsel, which is 2 people. 1 who knows him and one who doesn't. I'm going to only share the conversation with the one who doesn't know him because it was sweet, our back and forth. For the sake of consistency they will be dubbed, C1 (LOL - is that consistent?). Ok, ok, Lady. She'll be dubbed Lady. As in, I spoke to the Lady

Me: Listen to this. It's my ex boyfriend & THIS made me cry.

Lady: Awww O

Me: You know how you feel like you didn't mean anything to someone and then you find out you meant everything. This did it for me. Bad timing. But when the timing was right...It was too late. He broke up with his GF and I had broken up with *CENSORED*. We were ripe for the picking but it didn't feel...the same.

Lady: Yes I now the feeling

Lady: At least you now know you meant something big to him

Me: Yeah. It's comforting

Me: I always wondered if I was doing love wrong

That's it. Not the end of the conversation but the point that he was helping me with, without even being aware. I always wondered if I was doing love wrong. Craziness because some people never think of love in terms of something to consider or work on, it's just what they feel or do. But what does that mean? To feel love. What does it mean to DO love? You know.

Lady: I don't think you've ever done love wrong. Just was given to the wrong people at the wrong time because as a friend you are very loveable and you're giving, attentive

Me: Thank you

Me: I had to work on the friendship love too

Lady: No need to thank me for the truth

Me: I know I used to do friendship wrong

Lady: Well I'm glad I get the best of you ❤️❤️

That was literally the end of hers and I's conversation.

In the other conversation I mention feeling validated. I think this is the part that kept me up half the night. Why did I need him or anyone to validate me? Then it clicked, I value his opinion of me. He's one of the very few people who can tell me "O, it's not a good look." He does it with such a pure and true heart. It doesn't hurt when he's putting me in my place. Again, I'm speaking as a friend here, not as a lover. That ship has sailed a long time ago. Two years ago, when we reconnected through mutual heartbreak, solidified it.

We were GREAT as lovers and being in love but we're sooooo much better as champions for each other. We cheer each other one from the sidelines. I guess that's what happens when time and distance give us perspective.

Thank you readers for reading. I truly appreciate you taking any moment out of your day to read through my posts.

I can buy myself flowers...But why would I have to?

XOXO

Thanks for Reading

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justagalwhowrites · 9 months

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i got heat exhaustion yesterday (i'm fine btw, i love coastal texas but coastal texas does NOT love me back) so it seems like a great time to start reading beskar doll!

*cut to me with the wiki open looking up every mentioned term or event because i know 0 about star wars and cant even pretend that i do*

writing question: i love that you give nicknames (doc/bambi/doll) to the reader/mc because seeing Y/N always takes me out of the moment. how do you come up with the nicknames and how do you know when you found the right one for that story? they always fit so well!

Hi Bestie!!!

Coastal Texas doesn’t like me either! Having grown up in Texas I can safely say most of the state doesn’t like me lol I hope you’re loving Beskar Doll!!

Thank you so much! I DESPISE the Y/N thing lol I will put down a fic for that and that alone, it glitches my brain and I will never use it. Not knocking anyone who does! It’s just my own personal ick.

The nicknames usually come to me as I’m crafting the character. I’m a character girlie, they’re why I write what I write and they’re always the first piece to a story and I craft their names from there, nickname or otherwise.

For Doc, I wanted something that 1) exemplified her ideal of caring 2) reflected the part of herself she was proudest of and 3) was something that felt natural for people to use. Doc was perfect. I also loved that she started as Kid when she had far less agency in her life but, when the world ended and she made the life she wanted in that trashed world, her name shifted into something more than that.

Doll came from wanting something that was representative of her relationship to the universe around her. I wanted something that could be both derogatory and a term of endearment because of the nature of her relationship to Mando and I wanted something that would reflect her as always kind of being a pawn in the larger machinations of the galaxy. She’s a badass but she’s never had much agency, it’s always been in the service of something else. She kind of reclaimed the idea of being a Doll - and released herself of expectation - while also finding something she wanted in the universe.

For Bambi, her central characteristics - at least at the start of the fic - is that she’s skittish and wild, very animalistic, and she’s always connected more with animals than with people. But she’s also a survivor, like Bambi who has to go on after the death of his mother. It’s kind of a false dichotomy of sounding fragile and delicate while really being almost feral and strong? This will also work well in reverse (I hope!) as she learns to reclaim emotional fragility and vulnerability after everything she’s been through.

I do the same for the real names my characters have for both fics (and yes, Doc has a real name, Bambi does too. Everyone knows Doll’s because it’s in the story, she just doesn’t use it) and books.

For example, in Ace (first book in my book series, first chapter is on here and I can share again if you want!) the main character is named Tenny, short for Tennyson. She’s named that because her parents are literature professors and Tennyson wrote on King Arthur, a great defender of his people. It seemed like the perfect name for someone who puts herself at risk to protect and inform the people of her city. Additionally, her sister is Brontë and her story is a tragic one - fitting, given some of the content of Brontë novels I think!

I also feel like this is a lot easier for me because I have a lot of very good friends where none of us use each other’s actual names lol My name on here (Kit) is from a friend like that. It’s got some ties to my real name but he mostly started calling me that because I had the bad habit of 1) not sleeping and 2) not taking off my eyeliner in high school, so I’d get shadows under my eyes and he said I looked like a baby raccoon - which is called a kit lol. He’s the one who got me into TLOU (and the one who’s reading Lavender ATM) so I was like “oh that’s the perfect name for this page” lol

Anyway, I hope that helps!!! I know it’s long but I could talk forever about writing stuff!!

Thank you for asking and for being here! Love you!

#writing #fanfiction #fanfic #lavender #beskar doll #yearling #send asks #kit answers

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lucigoo · 5 months

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Calmwrimo: Day 17 - 7324

So i rage wrote yesterday and got so much wirtten Admitedly its a new fic but never mind....

So, in honour of how shit the Uk school system is for Neurodivergent children, we have Remus Luipin being an amazing tutor and a staunch supporter of his students rights. As he should be. It just called "Tutor Remus" atm lol.

Remus had once again been dragged to the club by his friends. Not that he was happy about it, unlike them he had work in the morning. He stood at the bar, cane held tightly in his hand wondering how quickly he could disappear without seeming rude. If anyone made any comments about him or his scars, he was walking out and leaving Peter, Marlene and Dorcas to it. He sighed into his whiskey at his maudlin thoughts. He had work to mark, lessons to play and to try to figure out how to get his new student to calm down a little, not a lot, just enough to listen and actually take in some of the lessons Remus had planned out for him. Remus couldn't help the soft smile he had about his ewest student though, the lad was bright and vivacious. Clever and witty with a wild streak, however his autism and ADHD combined meant he wasn't able to settle into a mainstream school. He also wasnt able to sit for more then 30 miiutes without needind to move. Not that Remus minded, its just his cane made it harder for him to keep up with the lad. Though, he was 13 and extremely empathetic so Remus hoped it would work out. Remus also had private clients, ones where the children were rich and posh, but his wilder students were his favourite, not that he would ever admit it. But htere sheer passion for llife was exhilarating. Well, if the mainstream school system hadnt dragged them down at least. Remus was proud of the way his students were alll thriving, even when they were no longer with him. That their zest for knowledge had been rekindleed. He still couldnt help the sigh he et out at how badly so many of his kids had actually been let down by the education system though/ It made his heart clench for these kids who were tol dhow wrong, bad, naughty they were. Whe in reality they were just not suited to a class of 25+ other kids. This lad though, he had been especially let down by his Local Authority. 4 years he had been out of the school environment with substandard tutors who didn't take the time to get to know him and his needs. Remus swore to himself he would do whatever he could to help the lad. He deserved all the best support Remus could offer. Remus looked at his empty glass and decided to call it a night, his knees were hurting and he had a student at 11am. He wasn't exactly partying it up anyway, so it didnt matter if he was here when he culd be at hime trying to help inprove a young lads life.

#calmwrimo #Englands school system sucks #fuck the system #Writing from spite #Wolfstar

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shadowynn · 1 year

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Lol the way I literally went 'what's sleep idk her' after I saw the update is unreal. Apologies for any unhinged comments because I'm totally not okay after whatever seonghwa pulled in the live.

Oh no... I honestly feel bad for mc, being an outcast on both sides (for no fault of one's own) sucks. And it's especially frustrating when you're trying hard to overcome something *sigh*... I'm glad that hyunwoo has found friendship even though they were basically uprooted from their home because of everything. Loved the interaction with Wooyoung, really. I mean I understand the MC's thought processes but at the same time it is interesting to see how the bond works and how much control it can have over those who are a part of it.

The guard being hurt and the whole fiasco that went down spiked my adrenaline istg. I was literally on the edge of my seat ksksksksks. I wonder what happened and who the person was and what's going on... I feel like the group might be that of halfdemons considering how they reacted but I can't be sure. Honestly, thank you for another great update hehe❤️❤️ loved it so much!

oops, i accidentally wrote a lot, my bad, so reply will be beneath the cut.

hehe, yeah, i really wanted to get the update out yesterday, but didn't think it would actually happen and then it did. and it's crazy because when i started writing it, i was hoping i would at least get about 6k words in length and then it doubled and i think i am now incapable of writing shorter chapters just like i'm incapable of writing short pieces. like, i'm addicted to writing novel length pieces, but not so much addicted to finishing them and have only like ever completed two in my life out of the many, many i've started and those were written when i was like fourteen and complete trash that i cringe every time i think about them.

and yes! i think a lot of it stems from mc's past and the way the humans always pointed out differences and how she would never be one of them, so now that she's with the daemons, she's constantly seeing these differences once more. and though the boys do their best to not mention them, she's letting past trauma dictate her thought process, especially because she knows it's going to be rough when she gets to taeyang. (little tidbit of info here, hongjoong's father may be dead, but his mother isn't and let's just say, drama may ensue)

i always find it kind of weird which side characters i get attached to when writing, and i think it starts to show in the works because i tend to involve/develop them more than others. hyunwoo is definitely one of my favorites (only second to seoyun, who i literally cannot wait to introduce in person and may or may not have mentioned her in ch. eight just because i love her so much and couldn't resist not mentioning any longer) i don't know why, but whenever i started, i always just pictured hyunwoo and jongho getting along and becoming friends, but i think as things have developed, he really fits in well with the others and i do want to expand upon that down the road.

the line between bond and natural feelings is a bit tricky, and i think it ultimately just comes down to daemons vs. humans. to daemons, who entire relationships revolve around soulmates, find the pull from the maetha as something natural. it's simply a way of life and how things work. humans, however, don't have soulmates and do life more like real life, so mc, who's lived a life dictated by human standards and cultures and customs, finds it really foreign. and since she's not at all familiar with the way it works and how important mates are to daemons, it'll definitely going to cause friction.

as for the attack, you'll just have to wait to find out. i always planned on an attack happening on their travels, but who or why hadn't quite been set in stone until now. originally, i had a different plan i was going with, and while that idea is still going to play out, i recently came up with another idea that i'm really excited to expand upon. and i recently had an epiphany about a certain character in this new idea that i really like and it's taking all my self control to not just say it because while, it might not give too much, it's definitely a big chunk of information that is probably better left unsaid for now.

as always, thank you so much for your feedback! i genuinely get so excited when i see your asks after posting a new chapter and love diving deeper into them with you! hope all is going well for you and remember to take care of yourself! <3

#winnie speaks #mutuals

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applecrumbledore · 1 year

Note

18, 10, 9, 1?

I'll do one more cause I like these, sorry all

18. What is your most and least favorite part of writing?

this is a funny one because I'm not sure what the PARTS are. my favourite part is when it comes easy and my least favourite part is when it's hard. I guess... the waiting? at the end, while I put finishing touches on it and decide whether it's ready to ship out. that's hardest. I'm impatient and riddled with typos.

10. At what point in the process do you come up with titles, and how easy or hard is that for you?

it's an absolute toss-up. my titles are usually modified lines from the fic itself, so it either jumps out at me instantly as a title (matryoshka dolls, living in god's blind spot) or I have to slog through the mines trying to find something passable (human hands, I have to live here)

on average, it's usually hard, but I'm adamant about my titles being at least slightly related and not lyrics/poetry. not sure why, just a.. chip I have on my shoulder

9. In an ideal world where you’re already super successful and published, would you want to see a tv or movie adaptation of your work? why or why not?

oh 100% stoked. I wrote and self-published a couple shlocky novels when I was younger and daydreamed about adaptations constantly. I love movies and would love to be part of the movie making process for even a second, even though I generally don't like film adaptations of things I actually like. but then youve got movies like the long goodbye or predestination and they're just stellar, so. it's anybody's guess.

1. Do you know how you want the story to end when you start, or are you just stumbling through the figurative wilderness hoping to find a road?

haha oh man. normally I'll have a GENERAL idea of the ending when I start, if I'm lucky, like rough scenes if not exactly how they'll go. sometimes I have no idea, especially with case fic, and my notes just kind of peeter off into "and they solve it!!!" which is not helpful. and then during the process of writing, the actual plot that forms around the romance bits resolves itself and I find a path forward.

this is not advisable and I don't suggest it lol. when I do this, I think the endings are noticeably weaker. trying to think of examples... worthless cartography, I have to live here, the bro bone bang blood drinking one. even yesterday Minnesota. turns out most of them didn't have planned endings actually!! I'm bad at this

#ronWIPs

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darlingpwease · 1 year

Note

shh shshshsh– im happy you do like my writing tho :))) you sound like my friends like that, but it's pinching with them lol

Oh, well I guess we do all do different things for 'me' time. My brain usually shuts off when I do those things lol,, I'm glad that what you do is helps shut off ur brain for a bit :)) I do hope ur work isn't too stressful (I couldn't even forget it rn even if I tried 😒) was it really in yesterday's post?? The only thing I can think of that was somewhat smooth was the Yuuta addiction thing???? Idk–

(I feel like I've aged 10 years because of this haha :')) /hj I know that some of the group members wouldn't be pleased but I'm to drained to really care atm. Good news? We managed to do quite a lot yesterday and now we're just organizing everything. Bad news?? We're all super fucking exhausted and are still stressing that we have a very short amount of time for post. bunny face?? I do, but when you go around being too sweet, of course I get at least a few from you >:(( /t)

I slept in so I think thats a good thing, right?? Once I finish this I'm gonna sleep as much as I can.

...ah... WORM???

I do try to be flexible lol, but I really do like that!! I love when colors mix together well, but things such as earthy tones, nude tones, pastel ones, just soft and/or nature-like colors in general I guess?? are some of my favorites. But I really like different shades of them too,, I also like how they all can correlate to some things or match with things as well, I could go on lmao /neu What?? Of course not!! Do I have to reiterate what I said??? /ht

I can't tell which one would be worse <//333– probably the first one times a trillion well of course I'd stay with the box. I think dying in it would be unsightly tho

-panna cotta

ajshjs don't shush me!!! i'm in great sadness, fruitcake wrote to me again, ahahah, do I have to read and be touched again??? how awful :(((( 🤨🤨🤨 look at him, he looks as if he immediately switched from an anxious mood to a complacent one🤨 that is, it's not pinching with me??? I, I feel betrayed; I will try to follow their example!!! obviously, someone (ex. cocotta) react to the method of punishment more than to encouragement, which is very contrary to what the modern school of management says, you know? it's outrageous 3:<<< /t /hj

... you doing??? my brain calms down only when I don't allow anything to analyze or reflect,,,, If I have to communicate or think about myself, it's always making plans and calculating the best moves — especially if it's games or future... on the other hand, I think if you used your brain more, you would be more tired & would understand the principle of sleep, — and would be taller, — so your brain is more of a curse😔 /t /j [work in the sense of "brain activity", not in the sense of "somewhere where they get money or work experience" — I can still afford the life of a rake😋 not counting volunteering, donating blood, working with some documentation...] (I could say the same about our past messages, but given your forgetfulness, I'm afraid I have to make sure that you remember that you sent me a message yesterday🤨🤨🤨) ... wow, is that your social skills & hint recognition getting... better?😦😧😯😲 impossible...... /t /hj /pos

(apparently, now you're the senior sibling instead of me, huh? /t /j well... but this is the experience of working in a very short time. most deadlines at work will sound like "when did we have to do work?" "yesterday," so it's good if you get that kind of experience early, even if it's, um, not the best way to get it</3 just make sure you're not trying to go ahead of the engine and rest, okay? don't make me crawl out of the blanket to carry you there<//3 yes, a bunny face. when you look with frightened innocent eyes, as if you are trying to convince everyone around you with a more temperamental personality to "attack" you; I'm sure when you're nervous and scared, you make that face ://// /t /hj me? sweet? didn't you tell me I was a 'rotten crumb'? so fickle, so fickle~ don't blame me when we both know it's you too sweet<333 /t)

... does this mean that you will sleep 'a lot' or 'a little'??? because in your case, it has a lot of interpretations, even if I'm sure that this cocotta brain probably assumes "a lot" — I know how cunning you are, I can't let you slip like that ://///

you were caught by the tail of course!!! don't you remember how you agreed to become a worm~?<3333 /100% srs & 100% gen hehehe silly forgetful panna cotta >:3333 /t /j /nsrs

... peacemaker<///333 yes, yes, I realized that you are harmless and accept and love any color & shade, stop being so sweet</3 I myself am about to start caries from you</333 /t /j /nsrs pastel shades and gold are the best honestly but what about snails?🤨🤨🤨 what did you say? what won't you say when you have someone??? I can't trust your words — what if I kiss the already taken panna cotta??? I can't be an 'other crumb', I'd rather be not-kissed and lonely, but proud</33333 /t /j

because it's not one of them!!! I know you don't mind, hey, don't be shy<333 we haven't sorted out your clothes yet and the fact that people are naked under their clothes, so don't be so timid, we still have so much to discuss<3333 /t /j wrong. none of them. you didn't pass this test 3:<<< ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? why??? aren't my pocket and my hands better??? I'm going to recognize this as tyranny and insubordination, besides the fact that you've already shown how unfaithful you are!!! 3:<<<<<<

#[📂] — voice from under the bed #❖.my jewelry #✮.panna cotta <3

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prince-rowan-of-the-forest · 1 year

Text

Almost, A Light in the Dark

1 : Lure of The Light

"In almost any case, we embrace you," Virgil had said.

Roman knew he hadn't meant it like that, Virgil would never say something so cruel. That didn't mean he could stop thinking about it.

It didn't mean it wasn't true for the others, either.

----

A look into Roman's buildup to becoming a dark side in my Darkside!Roman AU

| AO3 | Next Part -> |

Warnings: Some self depreciation, please let me know if there's thing else

Pairings: Roceit (though it's only the buildup to romantic) creativitwins, Roman & Virgil

Word count: 7444 (first part)

Notes:

Second part coming out either later tonight or tomorrow :)

Hello hello, I wrote half of this entire thing yesterday, the other half had been sitting in my drafts for... like a month, lol.

I don't post that often about Darkside!Roman, but he's great and beautiful and I love him very much.

As a side note, none of the light sides are unsympathetic, because i don't think I could deal with writing that, I also couldn't write Roman and Virgil with a bad relationship, even if Virgil's comment inspired this, so there's a little salt there, but nowhere near as much as there is with Patton especially. haha.

“In almost any case we-”

Roman slammed his head onto his stack of papers, hoping that the impact would get that infuriating line out of his head, but he just couldn’t shake it.

The song they had sung during that stupid puppet episode had been bothering him almost constantly since. And why? Because they’d solved the issue! They’d gotten to vent about their issues a little- at least, Virgil and Patton had, all he’d done was insult the others and then have a bunch of assumptions made about him when he really hadn’t wanted to open up at all. But the only thing that mattered was that Thomas had felt better afterwards.

And what was the line that was bothering him? Of course, something that Virgil said.

“You don’t need to save face, in almost any case we embrace you-”

There was a difference, Roman thought, between thinking someone’s love was conditional and hearing them say it outright.

He was sure Virgil hadn’t meant it like that. Surely he didn’t, and then they’d said that no-one hates him but- how could he be sure? And that’s how it started.

It had been months since then and Roman had just been getting worse, making mistake after mistake that he couldn’t fix. A little part of him felt like he was doing it purposefully. Making everything worse and worse, because what was that almost? What fell beyond the line of acceptance? Where were the boundaries?

After how many mistakes would they deem him unworthy of their love?

—-

The courtroom had been horrible.

Roman had acted silly, making jokes and acting dumb and pretending to be fine whilst inside he was tearing himself apart. What decision could he make? Either way it wouldn’t end well. It was a decision between Patton and Deceit, or, more accurately, Patton and Thomas . He either kept Patton happy or gave Thomas- and by extension himself- something they wanted more than anything. But if he sided with Deceit then Patton would hate him and so would Virgil.

The whole time he sat behind the judge’s bench, watching Deceit question Logan and Virgil and then practically interrogate Patton and then lecture Thomas, he couldn’t help but think he agreed. He agreed with the snake, and what could that mean? Did that make him bad? But Deceit was right . This whole argument was between something that Thomas wanted, really, really wanted, and something that wouldn’t make him feel good at all, though it would make him feel far less guilty, to be there for his friends when they invited Thomas in person too. Roman couldn’t understand why they couldn’t just… talk to Lee and Mary-Lee, it made no sense.

But even though Deceit was right, that going to the callback was the best choice and really, the one everyone but Patton actually wanted, Roman had still chosen to have Thomas go to the wedding. In the end, he couldn’t stand to lose Patton’s support and faith in him, even if it cost them their mental health.

And cost him his mental health it had.

As soon as the video was done, Roman had sunk out of his room and buried himself in his blankets. He peeked out, looking at the Hollywood posters- amongst all the Broadway and Disney- that were plastered to his walls. His eyes found the Alfred Hitchobolucus poster- for Psycho Godfather Wars- and his eyes welled up with tears. He really had cost them their chance to be on the silver screen, which, to quote Logan, statistically they will not get again.

Oh, what had he done.

—-

Roman didn’t come out of his room for three days after the courtroom. He knew the others were probably worried, but he couldn’t face them right now. He didn’t want to hear Patton tell him he had made the right choice when he hadn’t . He didn’t want to talk to Virgil and find out just how much he had fucked up and he definitely didn’t want to talk to Logan, who would just inform him that he’d made the wrong choice in a slightly different font.

And he didn’t want to find out whether their conditional love had met its limits just yet.

On the third day of his solitude, Roman was practically miserable. He’d been eating the snacks he kept in his room to eat while he worked- though he hadn’t done much of that- he had barely moved from his bed for more than to shower.

There was a knock on his door. Three knocks, actually, quick and sharp with the exact same amount of time between them. That wasn’t Patton, who always knocked a different pattern each time- he thought it was funny- it wasn’t Virgil, who always knocked quietly as if he was afraid the door would attack him if he hit it too hard. And it wasn’t Logan, who always knocks twice, evenly and much more gently. It couldn’t be his brother, because Remus had never knocked on a door in his life and why would Remus be coming to see him anyway, he was stuck over in the dark side.

So that left…

“Go away, Deceit,” Roman called, his voice wavered- he really hoped the other side hadn’t noticed, “I don’t want to speak with you.”

His door opened anyway. Damn Deceit.

“Well I don’t want to speak with you either, and this is not important at all.” Deceit said, standing in his doorway with a frown on his face.

“What could you possibly want to talk to me about that’s so important,” Roman said, not looking up, “Go talk to someone else.”

“No,” Deceit said, walking in and closing the door behind him, the sound finally making Roman snap to attention, “It has to be you.��

“What? What is it then? Is this about the courtroom? Are you going to tell me I was stupid? That I made the wrong choice and all of this is my fault?” Roman asked, gripping the blankets in his fists, “You want to let me know that everyone’s decided I’m not worth it? That Thomas is suffering now because of me? Because, newsflash, I already know all that.”

Deceit was silent for a moment. Before he sighed and came closer, stopping at the edge of Roman’s bed.

“May I sit?”

“You may not.” Roman said harshly, he just wanted Deceit to leave, what the hell was this all about anyway?

“Alright,” Deceit nodded, staying where he was, “I definitely came here to tell you all of those things you listed, and definitely not to talk about the fact that everyone is worried about you.”

Roman laughed, almost hysterically, “I highly doubt that.”

“Why’s that?” Deceit asked, tilting his head, “They haven’t seen you since the courtroom.”

“So why are you here and not them?” Roman asked, wrapping his arms around himself, “If they really were worried about me, they’d have come to check on me.”

“They’re definitely not also recovering from the stress that your decision in the courtroom-”

“My decision? My decision? Like there was any real decision to be made,” Roman cried, throwing up his hands. He could feel the tears pooling in his eyes once more, “I made a mistake, I know I did, I was- I was selfish and look where that got me!”

Deceit’s brows furrowed, “What do you mean you were selfish, I thought you wanted to go to the callback? Sentencing Thomas to the wedding was definitely the most selfish thing you could have done.”

“It- it was selfish!” Roman said, rubbing forcefully at his eyes in an attempt to get rid of the tears, “If I had- had chosen the callback Patton and Virgil would’ve- they would’ve hated me for siding with you ! Even if it was the best choice for Thomas, I was- I chose to please Patton instead because I didn’t want to- to lose them. But hey, look at that, it’s still all fucked up. It was a lose-lose situation.”

“Hey, sweetheart, look at me,” Deceit said and Roman jumped, he had no idea Deceit could talk that softly. He looked up.

“You definitely fucked everything up, alright?” Deceit said, reaching forward and, when Roman didn’t jerk away, wiping a tear from his cheek with a gloved finger. Roman was surprised that the fabric was so soft- Virgil had been sure they were washing up gloves.

Deceit sighed, “Roman, sweetheart, I put you in a harmful position in that courtroom, I totally knew you had so much riding on it when I did so, all I considered was that you were most likely to side with me.”

“They hate you,” Roman said, voice smaller than even he’d ever heard it, “Especially Virgil, and Patton just thinks that you want to drive Thomas down the wrong path it’s just- I could see what you were trying to do, and- well I know what the right choice was, and now everyone is miserable because I made the wrong one.”

Deceit rolled his eyes, “Do you really think I care about them liking me? I should hope the amount of effort I put into playing the villain would work better than that.”

“It’s difficult to convince people to do something when they hate you,” Roman pointed out, sniffing.

“Well that’s why I tried to get you on my side, isn’t it?” Deceit said with a smile, putting a hand on his hip, “You didn’t want to go to the callback as much as I did, and besides, you’ve been the least outwardly hateful to me out of all of you.”

“So you just wanted to use me?” Roman asked, eyes narrowing and hands once again gripping at the blankets. If only he was as smart as Logan or as suspicious as Virgil, then he might’ve noticed for goodness sake, he was so stupid, he’d let himself get used - there was a finger on his nose. His eyes widened, looking up at Deceit, who smiled softly and removed his hand.

“You got lost in your thoughts,” Deceit said by way of explanation, “And did I say that? No, I didn’t use you, only manipulated the circumstances for the highest chance of success.”

“But it still didn’t work.”

“Oh of course it all went according to plan,” Deceit chuckled, “But that’s only because I thought to account for extra variables.”

Roman hummed in agreement, pulling himself up to sit properly, he thought for a second, before sighing, “Hey, Deceit?”

“Yes, darling?” Deceit asked. Roman paused, Deceit knew a lot about philosophy and psychology too, like Logan did, he might help… but- oh, he didn’t want to make this any worse.

“Nevermind,” He sighs, “It was stupid, don’t worry.”

“Well now I’m definitely not going to worry,” Deceit huffed.

“It’s- really fine I just- was thinking about how the others never came to check on me…” Roman sighed, “It’s not like I locked myself in here to- test them - or something I just… I’m a little disappointed it was you, no offence.”

“Full offence taken,” Deceit said, “But it doesn’t make me wonder why you worry.”

“Oh well- I suppose-” Roman shook his head, “It’s because of a stupid offhanded thing Virgil said in a video a while ago, but, my brain won’t let it go no matter how silly it is to worry about.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, don’t worry about it, really, it isn’t your problem to deal with,” Roman said firmly, “Why- actually why are you even still here? You told me they were worried- so…”

“Perhaps I was worried also,” Deceit shrugged, “But I won’t go if you want me to.”

“Yes I… think I’d like to be alone some more, but um- thank you, I suppose, for checking on me,” Roman offered a tentative smile, “Even though I was rude to you.”

“You had no right to be,” Deceit said with a shrug as he moved away from Roman’s bed and back towards the door, turning back just before stepping through, “Call on me if you need anything, alright?”

“I- um- will?” Roman said, though it was phrased more like a question, why had Deceit offered something like that? Did he… actually care? Surely not…

—-

Roman couldn’t believe he’d been knocked out for that whole episode.

He knew sulking in his room wasn’t going to actually achieve anything, but after his own brother had knocked him out on camera and made a complete fool of him to the audience, he thought it was a valid response.

Something had changed after the end of the filming for that episode, though Roman hadn’t stuck around long enough to find out what. He was sure the others would fill him in later, probably alongside chastising him for running off so quickly. Roman wasn’t scared of his brother, far from it, actually. He missed Remus, all of his whacky ideas and hilarious strangeness that the others would never see past his label as Intrusive Thoughts. What he was scared of, though was…

Well if Remus was around, what if Roman faltered his persona? What if Patton saw through his act? Saw that he wasn’t quite the perfection he presented himself as? What if they saw Remus and saw him not as a separate side but as a fault of Roman? Roman didn’t want that for either of them.

And he couldn’t risk his facade cracking even a little. Not if he wanted to stay with his FamILY.

For now, though, he didn’t have time to worry about all that. He had to brother-proof his room, because if Remus was able to show himself to Thomas then that probably meant he could get into the light side’s mindscape too. Roman had to make sure his room was protected against his brother’s slime and grime.

Speaking of…

“Hey Ro!”

…Remus was hanging through a hole in the ceiling. Roman looked up and simply sighed, that would have to be fixed.

“Hello, brother,” Roman said, his voice full of salt, “What do you want? Come to knock me out again?”

“Nope!” Remus said, dropping down from the ceiling to crash on the ground, standing up slowly with a grin on his face, “Just wanted to say hi! It’s been a while, y’know?”

Roman paused, looking back at him, surprise probably etched across his face, “Really? And that’s all? No- trap? Or trick?”

Remus rolled his eyes, “Course not, just a reunion, I might’ve gotten something gross on my hands though.”

“Don’t touch me,” Roman said, narrowing his eyes, “But- alright, a reunion probably is in order, I suppose.”

“Oh yay!” Remus cheered, “I thought you’d chase me out with a pitchfork as soon as I showed up!”

“I’m still considering it,” Roman snapped, “So don’t push it.”

“Ok Ok jeez,” Remus huffed, “I brought cake!”

Roman furrowed his brows, staring at Remus in suspicion, “Is it edible?”

“Dee made it, so, probably?” Remus said, summoning said cake into existence. It did look good, despite Roman’s hesitation, Remus barked out a laugh, “I’m not allowed in the kitchen.”

“Neither am I,” Roman said, allowing himself a small chuckle. Remus' laughter, when it was real, was contagious for Roman, he hated it, “But if someone else made it, then I- suppose it’s ok to eat?”

“Hurrah!” Remus cheered, pulling a knife out of thin air which Roman immediately snatched, “Hey!”

“Absolutely not, it’s probably infected with rabies or something,” Roman said, frowning, Remus pouted.

Shaking his head, Roman took the cake and placed it down on his desk before summoning a knife of his own and cutting a large slice that Logan would definitely disapprove of. The cake was red velvet, Roman’s favourite. He wondered if it was Remus' favourite too, he found he couldn't remember.

Roman handed the first slice to Remus, knowing he wouldn’t bother with a plate and cutlery even if Roman put in the effort of summoning them. The sight of his brother stuffing his face with cake like that kid from Matilda made Roman chuckle as he cut his own piece.

Once Remus was done licking the icing off of his fingers he immediately picked up the knife to cut himself another slice, making Roman laugh.

“You’re going to make yourself sick,” Roman said, Remus rolled his eyes, taking another bite of cake, "We really shouldn't eat too much."

“Wh’re’s t’e fun in’at,” He said though his mouthful, dropping crumbs everywhere, he swallowed, “C’mon Ro! Have fun! We don’t gotta tell anyone we ate the whole cake! You know you want to-”

Roman shook his head, though a smile was already taking over his face as he reached for the knife, “Fine, getting sick it is.”

“It’s not even that big of a cake,” Remus said, rolling his eyes.

“Yeah well usually I wouldn’t get that much,” Roman huffs, “Not when everyone wants to share it.”

“Sharing’s for losers and nerds,” Remus waved him off.

“We’re sharing this cake right now?” Roman said, confused.

“We’re the exception,” Remus said, as if that was supposed to be obvious. Roman shrugged and took another bite of cake.

—-

Remus dropped by much more often after that.

Roman couldn’t deny that it was… nice, to see his brother again. Admittedly- though he wouldn’t tell the others- he had missed Remus since he was banished to the Darkness though he had forgotten quite how much. He was pretty certain by this point that Remus had missed him as well, it had been almost two months and Remus had kept showing up in his room, after all.

They didn’t sit in silence, because Remus didn’t do silence, but they sat in relative calm. Every now and then Remus would say something that would either make Roman laugh or recoil or reach over to smack Remus on the arm. Between those instances Remus would whistle or hum and occasionally make random noises. Roman found that while maybe it would be annoying in most other cases, it was actually pretty nice. Usually Roman would fill the quiet by singing, but it was nice to have it filled by someone else for once.

“Hey, I heard the others were gonna do a movie night instead of going out,” Remus said, cutting off something else he was saying- he did that sometimes, got halfway through a sentence and then had another thought, “Are ya going?”

“I- didn’t even know, I suppose they thought I was too busy sulking,” Roman said, slowly, “Wait, how do you know?”

“Well! Now I can get into the light side’s space, I just thought I’d do a bit of eavesdropping!” Remus said with a shrug, “But yeah apparently it’s to do with that thing that happened yesterday.”

“With Rico?” Roman asked, cringing a little, he supposed that had been on all of their minds, and they’d decided not to go to that party only half an hour ago. That’s why Roman was in his room in the first place.

“Mhm,” Remus said, “I’m going, Dee isn’t- he said they wouldn’t want him! But! I stole his hat so he can be there in spirit!”

Remus grinned and produced Deceit’s hat with a flourish, Roman gasped.

“He never takes that off, does he? How did you get it?” Roman asked. Remus cackled.

“I did a sneaky!” he said, passing the hat to Roman, he took it with only slight hesitation.

“Well done,” Roman said with a smile.

Remus jumped up and offered Roman a hand, “Let’s go crash a movie night!”

Roman choked out a laugh, taking Remus’ hand and standing up himself, changing into his onesie as he did so, “Yes, lets.”

“Hell yeah!” Remus grinned, running out of the room with Roman following at a more sedated pace.

The others hadn’t invited him? Well, he and Virgil had been the most affected by the situation with Rico, so maybe the others had decided to leave him alone in case they upset him, but surely they would’ve at least offered? Had they forgotten him? Or deliberately left him out for some other reason?

The movie night was tense, just as everything else between them had been recently. Roman couldn’t help but think it was all his fault for making that decision back in the courtroom. And the wedding hadn’t even happened yet.

—-

“Heyyy Ro- huh?” Remus barged into his room unannounced again, probably through the hole in the ceiling that Roman hadn’t patched up yet. Roman couldn't actually see his brother, considering he was currently buried under a mound of blankets in an attempt to hide from this stupid mess he’d caused.

“Ro?” Remus said, closer now, he patted the top of the blankets, making Roman yelp in surprise- he had been holding his breath in an attempt to stop crying, “You ok in there? What’re you doing pretending to be a bedbug?”

“I- I’m not in the mood right now, Remus,” Roman choked out, he knew from experience that his brother was unlikely to listen, but at least he could say he tried now. He really didn’t want to talk to anyone at the moment.

“Ooooh you’re upset…” Remus said, and then he went silent for a minute and Roman thought that maybe he had actually left, if only he could be so lucky, “Ok, so I dunno how to deal with this,”

“J-just go away,” Roman mumbled. Maybe he wished he could cuddle up with Patton or listen to music with Virgil to make himself feel better, but that was pretty much out of the question now, so he just wanted to be alone.

“No can do, bro,” Remus said, “But! I am gonna go get someone who actually can help, ‘kay?”

“Nooo,” Roman groaned. He was once again ignored.

“Good! Don’t go anywhere!”

He heard Remus climb up into the ceiling and skitter off like a rat in the walls and Roman tried to pull himself together while he waited for whoever Remus was going to force into coming here.

Only minutes later Roman heard the telltale swoosh that came with someone rising up in his room and then Remus was patting his blankets again.

“Hey Ro, I brought mental assistance,” He said in a tone that suggested that he was probably grinning. Great.

“I am hardly adequate ‘mental assistance’ Remus,” Oh, great, it was Deceit, “I expect Roman really wants to talk to me, of all sides.”

Damn right.

“Good!” Remus said, giggling, “Now I’m gonna go find Patton’s ‘sad times’ cookie stash and bring them back for us to eat, so you can make Roman feel better whilst I’m gone!”

And Remus disappeared into the ceiling again. Roman heard Deceit sigh.

“I don’t want to talk to you,” Roman said, trying to keep his voice steady.

“You think I don’t know that?” Deceit said, “Fortunately, Remus has assigned me to help you, which means if I don’t I’m going to wake up to him boiling mayonnaise or some other, similarly disgusting revenge, so I hope you understand why I must at least try.”

Roman couldn’t help the quiet laugh that forced its way out through the tears.

“May I sit with you?” Deceit asked, sounding a little closer than before. Roman paused, thinking, if he was lucky then maybe he could get a hug after all, even if it was from Deceit who, now that Roman thought about it, probably gave very good hugs considering he had six arms.

“I- sur- uh- okay,” Roman stammered, damnit. He’s supposed to be fearless and brave and powerful, brave people don’t cry about stupid shit.

He felt his bed dip where Deceit sat down next to him.

“Thank you, sweetheart,” He said, in that stupidly soft tone that he had used just that one other time, “Could you come out from under the blankets?”

“I’m a- a mess,” Roman said, trying harder than he should have to to suppress the stutter in his voice.

“That’s not alright,” Deceit told him, “I live with Remus, my standards for what’s considered ‘mess’ are definitely not through the floor.”

Roman couldn’t help but laugh again, trying to wipe away the least of the tears before digging himself out of his blanket pile. When he looked up at Deceit he found his fellow side looking at him with a soft smile, as if seeing Roman in all of his teary glory and somehow made his day better. It sent a pang though his heart, he couldn’t remember the last time any of the others had looked at him like that.

“Hello, sweetheart,” Deceit said, still smiling, he reached for Roman’s face before hesitating at the last moment, he met Roman’s eyes, looking for a confirmation. Roman, in response and because his brain seemed to be struggling to form words at the moment, butted his face against Deceit’s outstretched hand like a cat looking for attention. It made Deceit chuckle and turn his hand to cup Roman’s face properly, thumb brushing away a tear from under his eye.

“Hey,” Roman choked out, unsure how to respond to this whole situation. It was strange, and the voice in his head was telling him to run far, far away from Deceit. Roman chose to ignore it, though, because the voice sounded suspiciously like Patton and Roman had decided recently that he… didn’t really trust Patton’s judgement so much anymore. He leaned into the hand, closing his eyes for a moment and basking in the comfort that one little touch gave him.

He wasn’t touch starved, he couldn’t be- not with Remus for a brother- but he had definitely missed this kind of touch specifically. The kind that just felt safe .

“What’s gotten you all upset, hm?” Deceit asked, swiping his thumb back and forth across Roman’s cheek and oh, he wanted nothing more than to just melt into that touch and stay there forever.

“It’s stupid,” Roman mumbled, leaning into the hand on his face.

“Everything that upsets you is stupid, darling,” Deceit told him, shaking his head. Roman sighed.

“They didn’t invite me to their movie night- or- movie day, I guess,” Roman said, before adding on, “Again.”

“Oh I see, Roman, sweetheart, that’s a completely unreasonable thing to be upset over,” Deceit told him, bringing up another hand so he could cup Roman’s face properly, “When did this start happening?”

“Uh- a few weeks ago… I think?” Roman said slowly, “It was- that time me and Remus stole your hat, was the first time.”

“Ah, I don’t remember,” Deceit nodded.

“And- and there’s been a few times I’ve- caught them, I guess- doing things together without me, too I just- I guess this time was-”

“It pushed you over the edge,” Deceit finished, “Don’t worry, I don’t understand.”

“I- thank you,” Roman muttered, leaning into Deceit’s hands.

“Is there anything that I can do to make you feel any better?” Deceit asked, still just as soft as he had been this whole time.

“Could we… hug, maybe? If that isn’t too weird?” Roman asked after a second, hesitant. He wasn’t sure if Deceit would be ok with that, of course, after everything. Besides, it’s not like he was about to admit how badly he wanted it.

“Of course that’s too weird,” Deceit said, taking his hands away from Roman’s face only to open his arms in invitation, “Come here.”

Roman practically collapsed into the embrace, burying his face in Deceit’s shoulder. Part of him, a small part but still noticeable, was still screaming about how wrong, wrong, wrong this situation was but Roman stamped that small part of him down for now as he buried his face in the soft fabric of Deceit’s capelet. He felt Deceit’s arms wrap tightly around him, squeezing him tightly but not so tight that he felt he couldn’t breath. It was… amazing, possibly the best hug he’d ever gotten.

“You hug good,” Roman mumbled, when Deceit laughed he felt it.

“I am absolutely not glad you think so,” Deceit told him, using another hand to brush through his hair. The touch almost made Roman shudder, “I perfected it with Remus.”

“Really?” Roman asked.

“Mhm,” Deceit hummed, “He likes to be squashed within an inch of his life.”

“Sounds accurate,” Roman said with a small chuckle of his own, “This is nice.”

“It’s slightly less squishy than I would hug Remus,” Deceit admitted, “I thought you might prefer not being suffocated.”

“Thank you, much appreciated.”

They were silent for a moment, Roman simply melting into the embrace he’d wanted for so long, strong arms holding him close, a hand in his hair. Roman found that he really didn’t have a problem with it being Deceit.

“An idea,” Deceit said quietly, “How about, when Remus returns, we have our own movie night?”

“Here?” Roman asked, “I- uh- I don’t have a TV- and this space isn’t big enough for all three of us…”

“The imagination then?”

“I… don’t really have the energy to create us a space right now…” Roman said, face going red with embarrassment. He struggled to conjure when he was upset, he’d never told anyone that, though.

“That’s not alright, darling,” Deceit said, fingers threading through his hair, “If you’d like to have a movie night, we definitely won't be able to find a solution.”

“I… think I would like to do that,” Roman decided, just as the door slammed open.

“Wasssup fuckers!” Remus yelled, stopping in the doorway, “Oh, you two didn’t kill each other! Interesting. Gotta make notes on that social experiment…”

“Why-”

“It’s best not to question it,” Deceit cut him off, “Remus, don’t you think Patton will notice all those cookies are missing?”

Roman finally removed his face from Deceit’s shoulder to look up at his brother, who did in fact have his arms full of cookie packets.

“Ah, who cares?” Remus huffed, “So! What’re we doing?”

“A movie night, I believe,” Deceit answered.

“Oh great! Good thing I have all these cookies, then, huh?” Remus cackled, “Where are we going?”

“That’s what we were trying to figure out,” Roman said, finally pulling away from hug to simply sit on the bed, hands folded in his lap, “I don’t have a TV, the imagination doesn’t- eh- do what I want it to do when I’m upset, and the others are using the commons…”

“We could just use our commons,” Remus shrugged, “C’mon, let’s go!”

“Your commons, as in, the dark side’s mindscape?” Roman asked, raising an eyebrow.

“That’s what I said, isn’t it?” Remus tilted his head at Roman.

“But I can’t- go there!” Roman protested, “Isn’t it dangerous?”

Deceit shook his head, “It’s definitely as terrible down there as the others make it out to be. And while there are… others down there, they’ll definitely bother you if you’re with us.”

“Won’t I get trapped if I stay too long?” Roman asked, confused, isn’t that what happened?

“Of course,” Deceit said, “It’s not like I control which sides can and can’t leave. You won’t be fine, I assure you.”

“...Alright then,” Roman said, giving in, “But if you betray me, I will slay you.”

—-

The dark side’s commons were not nearly as bad as Roman had expected them to be. Whilst, yes, they were dark and a little menacing, it was also far more… cosy, than he had expected.

It was still a mirror of Thomas’ house, though there were bigger differences than the light sides had. In place of the blinds and window were large floor to ceiling bookshelves made from some dark wood. The kitchen cabinets seemed to be made from the same kind of wood, decorated with dark grey, giving it much more of a dark-cottage-in-the-woods feel rather than the more modern feel Thomas’ apartment had.

Roman thought it was strange, how welcoming it was. There were spider webs in the shadowy corners, weird ornaments on the bookshelves- one being a severed hand- and a couple of weird stains in the carpet, but somehow none of that served to deter him from the space as a whole.

After waving him over to the sofas, Deceit took a few bowls from the kitchen and placed them on the table to hold Remus’ acquired snacks. They had Roman pick the first film and then chose together for the second. By the third film though, most of the cookies had been eaten and Roman was feeling impossibly tired…

—-

Roman had woken up the next morning to a warmth he wasn’t used to. Remus was snoring, curled up against him on Roman’s left, whilst Deceit was curled up on his other side with one of his arms thrown over Roman’s shoulder.. It felt… protective, somehow, the way the pair had caged him in the middle. He thought maybe he should feel trapped or restricted by the pair, but he couldn’t help that he only thought it was nice.

While he sat there, staring at the blank TV in the semi-darkness of the dark-side’s commons, Roman wondered what time it was. Would Remus and Deceit wake up soon? Or would he have to get up and leave by himself? He really shouldn’t spend too much time down here after all, though Deceit had told him it would be safe, he… couldn’t help but still be suspicious.

He needn’t have worried, though, because Deceit woke up not minutes after him. He had insisted that Roman stay for breakfast before going back up. He’d made pancakes that were just as good as Patton’s had ever been- if not better.

When Roman got back to his room he discovered that his fingernails were painted red though he didn’t remember painting them. How strange.

—-

They started having movie nights down in the darkside’s common every few days. Most of the time it was just him, Remus and Deceit but sometimes Remy joined them as well. It turned out that Remy frequented the darkside’s commons much more often than the light side’s, since it was closer to the subconscious where he worked. Roman didn’t mind a fourth addition to their movie nights, it just meant more snacks.

And then, a month or so later, came the dreaded wedding.

Everyone knows what happened after that.

Roman hadn’t wanted to show face in the first place. Maybe if he had skipped out on the video completely like Virgil had, or heck even somehow limited his participation like Logan had it would’ve been fine, but no, he just had to be there and Patton just had to keep forcing his standards and opinions on him and Thomas. And that was all without being asked for his own opinion.

When Patton had pushed him to answer and he’d eventually given in and tried to explain what he thought his ideas were immediately pushed away, dismissed as not good enough for the moral side because they weren’t exactly what he wanted to hear.

When Deceit replaced Logan, Roman noticed almost immediately. It was just like Deceit to go on a tangent, just rambling any semi related facts that he knew about… hypoxia? Of all things? And besides, Patton skipping Logan (which Roman thought was incredibly rude of him, even if he’d made the same joke earlier) had been the perfect opportunity for Deceit to take his place.

But Patton and Thomas hadn’t noticed, so Roman had just smiled a little and not said anything about it. Maybe he could give Deceit some pointers if he survived this.

Briefly, Roman wondered if this might all just be his fault. What if it was his fault for pretending to be perfect when he obviously was anything but. He wondered if they saw through him, because this was his fault. Not even Thomas could deny that. Patton and Deceit arguing now was his fault, if only he could’ve priorititsed Thomas over himself. If only he had been able to sacrifice his pride. If only Patton could love the real him and not the perfect armour he had built for himself, now so scared to remove. Because they would hate him.

And then that whole fight sequence had made him feel even worse, because Roman couldn’t bring himself to side with Deceit like he wanted to, so badly and he was certain Deceit could tell if the way he continued to glance his way was anything to go by. He wasn’t brave enough to lose Patton’s approval, he wasn’t.

Patton had been distraught afterwards, once he’d shrunk down from that giant frog form, Deceit had started lecturing him again, Logan came back, all whilst Roman was watching in a blur. He didn’t say much, in another world maybe he would have protested, tried to fight back against Deceit for Patton’s sake. All Roman wanted now was to be anywhere else but here.

And then he’d opened his stupid mouth, asked Deceit what the hell they were supposed to do if they were to be selfish when selfishness had already cost him so much. Deceit had sighed.

“Going to the callback was one of the most selfless acts that I believe to be possible- Thomas lost a huge opportunity, not to mention a big hit to his mental health-” Roman tried to hide his flinch at Deceit’s words, “All he got out of it was a new high score in Word Crush.”

“I… know that.” Roman answered, trying to keep his tone even, “But- well- you know how that went for me better than anyone.”

“What d’you mean, Roman?” Patton asked, Roman panicked, glancing at Deceit who sighed and picked up where he’d left off, ignoring Patton and describing the wedding as a ‘net loss’, he talked with Thomas about they had to unlearn their biases about selfishness, all while Roman slipped back into the background, he couldn’t bring attention to himself, not right now. He could feel everything in him, welling up, and he knew that he’d either lash out or burst into tears the moment something happened now. He couldn’t help but wonder which would be worse.

In another world maybe he would have lashed out already, argued with Deceit, questioned when it would be enough. But… Roman had learned, from the time after the courtroom, that Deceit wasn’t evil, he knew things that the others didn’t, that Deceit really wasn’t trying to drive them to ruin, that he really was trying to help . He knew that he really did care, even if he didn’t exactly show it in the most effective way. Deceit wasn’t the one who deserved to feel the brunt of his anger.

Instead Patton asked, much calmer that Roman might have had he been inclined. Patton asked when it would be enough, when they could start helping others and putting more good into the world.

“But how can we trust you?” Patton cried, looking close to tears after Deceit had given his answer, Roman grimaced, surely he could see by now that Deceit was helping, surely he could see by now that Deceit wasn’t evil and wrong.

“I don’t have a simple answer to that,” Deceit said with a sigh, Roman stared at him as he went to remove a glove, “But here’s a start…”

Roman watched as he pulled a glove off by a finger, even in all the time they’d spent together in the last few weeks Deceit had never once done that.

“My name… “ Deceit sighed, “My name is Janus.”

“Janus?” Patton asked, looking nervous. De- Janus looked over at him and Roman realised that he needed to say something anything-

“Janis? Like from Mean Girls?” Roman settled on, he wasn’t quite sure why, but it made the corner of Janus’ mouth twitch upwords slightly, so maybe it wasn’t terrible.

Deceit stared at him for a second, “ No . Janus. With a ‘U’?”

“Oh! That makes much more sense, the two-faced god of doorways, it fits you,” Roman nodded approvingly, Deceit offered him the smallest of smiles and opened his mouth to respond before Patton cut him off before he’d started.

“Now Roman, there’s no need to be rude about it,” Patton said, his chastising tone grating on Roman’s mind to the point where it may as well be nails on a chalkboard, there was that anger again, bubbling and boiling up from where he’d tried to bury it under shed tears and fake, perfect smiles, “Let’s be nice, alright kiddo?”

“I wasn’t.” Roman said, trying to take a deep breath, keep it cool, they can get through this, “Being rude, that is.”

“Then maybe you should watch your tone a little,” Patton said in that same soft tone that made Roman feel like prey trapped by predator, trapped, doomed to fail no matter what he said or did, Patton would always win, “ Janus chose to be vulnerable with us and we should respect that.”

“I know !” Roman cried, and maybe it was an overreaction to such a little thing, maybe he should just apologise for something he hadn’t done and get Patton off of his back, but it also could have been possible that this instance wasn’t the only thing he was referencing, “I know! Ok, I get it, you don’t have to- to keep telling me! I get it!”

“Roman, kiddo-”

“I am not -” Roman said, before taking a breath, it didn’t do much to quell the fire in his chest, “I was there! Patton! All of this, surprise surprise, I just watched it happen just like you did! I wasn’t insulting him.”

“Well then maybe you should apologise, because it certainly seemed that way to me,” Patton said, that smile still plastered on his face. Roman didn’t have a choice, he had to do what Patton said- if he didn’t then- well then maybe he would find that line Virgil had set down all that time ago. Roman thought he didn’t have a choice, but when he glanced back at Deceit, who was watching him with his face etched with worry, Roman thought that maybe he did. He would just have to trust that Deceit would catch him when he inevitable fell.

“No.” Roman said, clenching his fists, though his hands were shaking.

“No?” Patton asked, seeming just as surprised, Thomas looked between them, eyes wide, “What do you mean? Surely-”

“I mean no ,” Roman said, glaring now, all of the anger and sadness he had pushed down and down was bubbling up again, “I will not apologise for something that I did not do, I’m done, ok? You hear me? I’m done fearing the choices I want to make, I’m done weighing your approval against what’s right ! I’m done choosing one over the other.”

Roman was breathing heavily now, hands shaking, Patton frowned at him.

“What do you mean? We’ve made the right choices, you chose in the courtroom-”

“I didn’t choose shit! ” Roman yelled, and he felt like something had snapped in his armour, and from it emerged the dark, ugly thing he had built it to contain, “There was nothing to choose! If I had made the right choice you would have hated me for siding with Janus, you would have- I- I would have lost everything ! But- but I don’t care , anymore, because- because I can’t take it, being perfect for you, making choices for you only to be pushed down even more because that choice ended up being the wrong one over, and over again! It’s so hard , and I’m done. I won’t do it anymore! I’m done doing what you think is right. I’m done trying to be the Perfect Prince you want me to be, I can’t do it anymore..”

“Roman-” Thomas started, but Roman turned on him, anger fading immediately when He saw Thomas’ expression, all that was left was this pulling sense of sadness that seemed to drag at him when he moved. He’d just lashed out, shown them all that he wasn’t the perfect persona he tried to put on. There was no way he could redeem this now.

And part of him didn’t want to, because it had felt… good. To finally let it all out. He didn’t want to go back to the porcelain white armour casing he’d been living in for who knows how long.

“I’m supposed to be your hero Thomas, but I’m not,” Roman said, feeling defeated and out of breath, there were tears already spilling over his cheeks, but he ignored them, “I’m not a perfect Disney Prince, I’m not brave, I’m not selfless and I’m certainly not kind, I’m sorry I couldn’t be what you all wanted me to be.”

And then he sank out, not waiting for a response before leaving them all standing in Thomas’ living room, stunned to silence.

| Next part -> |

#sanders sides #roman sanders #sanders sides fanfiction #sanders sides fic #darkside!roman #ts roman #virgil sanders #logan sanders #patton sanders #janus sanders #remus sanders #creativitwins #ts roceit #but its platonic for now

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roccinan · 2 years

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Thoughts on LCDP Korea?

I finished the last episode this evening and I'm kinda confused, there are (few) things I found better than in the original, and several which could've been managed better.

Right now I'll surely need at least one rewatch, but I'd like to know your first impressions about it!

Hi Enry! Thanks for asking! I was going to answer yesterday, then decided to wait until I actually finished the last ep. So here we are! Same here, will definitely be rewatching eventually.

In general, I really liked it. I was looking forward to this one for a while and had some pretty high hopes- it didn't disappoint and actually surpassed some expectations. Like you said, they fixed some problems from the original and made the story tighter (and a lot more logical in some areas), which I appreciated. There are also elements I thought could be better (but the pros outweigh the cons!).

I was happy that it wasn't a 1:1 remake because that'd be boring! The show was strongest when there were changes from the original, which made it more fun to follow the same beats. It's like, they got to the same place but did it slightly differently, so for me, it kind of recreated the magic of the first lcdp ;) I even ended up rewatching the last ep of S2 just because I suddenly really missed la banda XD

Spoiler impressions:

The "inspectora," Denver, Berlin, and Captain Cha were standout performances.

Woo-jin/"Raquel" was amazing; the actress gave the role the perfect amount of sympathy. She was level-headed, strong, and also weak- like I could go on forever about her. This is 100% on par with Itiziar's inspectora. And I really felt that the script respected her role more this time- she wasn't forced to be inferior to the professor at every turn, and sometimes she even has the upper hand (which I guess, was also that way in the original, but I liked the way they framed it here- it feels less biased towards the robbers)

Denver was perfect, couldn't have asked for a better Denver. He had the same himbo energy, while still being a guy from the streets- which is pretty much the original Denver lol. But as much as we all love Jaime, I personally think this Denver is hotter XD He's gorgeous, and his face not really matching his personality is what makes him so great. I loved his expanded role and the extra breathing space they gave his relationship with "Monica" (while we're at it, her motivation for being with Arturo of all people makes some more sense here)

Cha/"Angel" was a pleasant surprise. They made Angel a cool, competent guy and I actually love it LOL. His character was strong, and I prefer him to the original Angel (who was actually kinda annoying most of the time)

Berlin was everything I wanted and more LOL. I wasn't really sure what to expect, but he was a great surprise too. Like, this feels like who Berlin could have been if Pina and co. wrote everything out in advance and had time to edit. He's somehow both the same and very different from Pedro's Berlin- like, he's still a sadomasochistic lunatic but now there's a bone-deep sadness about him. He's a walking tragedy with an insanely miserable backstory and a martyr complex that's somehow even more explicit than the original Berlin's, and he says stuff like "I'm the shadow so you can shine"- what else could I ask for!? This is the Berlin who came straight out of my fics asdfasdf. That said, I can't believe I actually kind of want him not to die now asdfasdf after everything he's been through, maybe a shred of happiness would be deserved.

Speaking of Berlin, I'm pretty happy with them getting rid of the Ariadna storyline and the misogyny angle, which just proves that all of that was unnecessary to the plot in the first place. We also don't have to suffer through any more of "feminism, but as written by cishet men who are bad it it" themes.

I will say that there's no Andres in this Berlin though. Or if there was, he got beaten out of him early on lol. This guy is just Berlin all the way, and even though I do kind of miss the pretentious art lover, I don't mind this one. Though it's interesting that he's presumably never been married then. (Also too bad this Berlin isn’t as much of a slut as the original lol)

"Arturo" also captured the EXACT same Arturito energy LMAO. My nitpick is that he shouldn't have been so overly annoying when we first met him (like looking at porno on his computer!?)- he should have started as a normal guy and then revealed himself to be THAT annoying.

I liked the bickering Oslo/Helsinki dynamic lol- it gave them a little more to do. And nothing to say about Moscow because he was great too. I felt that Alison Parker was more sympathetic than Annie Kim, but Annie contributed more to the plot and it was interesting to see a different take on her. The whole subplot with "Suarez" infiltrating the hostages and getting fake-killed also made me go !! A pretty cool change, even though it relied on dumb luck lol. Also liked the change to Alberto's role- it pushed him more into the background and foreground at the same time, and connected everyone.

Lastly, loved the change to the serquel dynamic. This version makes a lot more sense in terms of motivation for both of them, but I don't think the professor's actor is really selling the chemistry enough (the inspectora is though!).

Stuff that I was more "meh" and "eh??" about:

Tokyo is a NICE and NORMAL person with MORALS. She is a problem SOLVER not a problem creator asdfasdf and I don't know how to feel omg. I liked her enough, but the original Tokyo was more fun; also, bit of a shame because the actress is amazing at playing insane evil women.

(That said, I was dying when she said "good job" to Berlin asdfasdf Finally, Berlin and Tokyo besties are canonized after all of Alex Pina's efforts to rewrite history asdfasdf)

The car chase into the lake was ?? It somehow made more sense in the original.

Rio has more backstory and layers here, and Tokrio not being together from the start is a bit of a plus- but I don't think the actor is making him as likable as he could.

Anne Kim's makeup was too perfect- she should have looked sweatier and dirtier as time went on

Nairobi didn't feel like she was "part" of the group; aside from her having a personality closer to Palermo than Nairobi lol, it just felt like she was "there" most of the time and not the one member who was uniting everyone

Maybe it depends on how he'll perform in part 2, but I think the professor is the weakest link among the main players. He has the aurora and it's not like his acting's bad, but he's too aloof as the professor, a little too uniformly "cold" with everyone he interacts with. You don't see the layers and emotions the original Sergio had. Sergio was my favorite in lcdp, but here, can't say I care very much about the professor or his relationships with everyone else.

*That said, I'm dying to know if he and Berlin are still brothers and what their shared backstory is!

SO that's my long rundown of first impressions LOL. What about you? What did you enjoy and what do you think could have been handled better?

#signorin-anarchia #money heist korea spoilers #and of course I'm still here on pins and needles for even the slightest hint of a palermo LOL #but overall I really enjoyed it!

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mentally-illenial · 2 years

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Content Warning ⚠️: body talk, health talk, parent/child talk

Hmmm I'm tired and my body is tired but I am like craving a run? I don't want to push myself and then not be able to run later, that would be very upsetting, but I look forward to my run days again and it's such a good feeling and idk.

Spent all of yesterday brushing up on nutrition and fitness information, specifically geared towards adolescents for the kids. Took notes, wrote down plan of action ideas, etc.

We're getting them on the 4th, and it's not going to be easy whatsoever. They live a very comfortable life with little resistance at home; every time they come to visit us, they have to adjust to structure, rules, and discipline, and it's always tough.

But this summer will be even more so; I'm usually (what I consider lol) very lenient with them on their activities. I let them feed themselves breakfast and lunch, I accommodate their pickiness, I let them watch as much TV or play online as much as they wish. I always fall into the trap of 'its their vacation, we only get them for so long, I just wanna have fun with it' kind of thinking. And they're just. kids. Their mom doesn't teach them things, she just does things for them because it's easier/faster/done correctly that way. I know it comes from a place of love, but sometimes that love can be harmful. We've had to teach them basic chores and personal skills that they should be familiar with at this point in their growth, and it's a tough thing to do for kids in late elementary school/junior high.

But this summer it's about to intensify. I have to be far more strict about screen time, contributing to the household, healthy eating, and healthy activity. There are going to be so many emotional meltdowns. But I feel that I must take the small opportunity that I have to teach them as much as I can about taking care of themselves. They can't be, for a lack of a better word, coddled forever. One day they will want jobs and their own house and their own relationships and independence, and they're already so ill-prepared that I'm worried for their futures. I want desperately for them to just live in the moment of their childhood, but we have now reached a point where that line of thinking is causing physical harm. Their custodial guardian isn't providing them with the tools and practice for self care and independence, and it's come back to reap what has been sowed. I'm just hoping I can impart enough information and experience upon them that they will at least WANT to try to do better for themselves, you know? Because their mom doesn't have the self discipline to be firm and consistent with them, especially when it comes to things they don't like or want to do. And this is not me shit talking their mother btw. We've all had these conversations with each other, and we recognize and acknowledge our faults. I'm soft with the kids, too. I am not a natural disciplinarian. Ugh, I'm so conflicted. We should be taking the best care of them we can, they shouldn't have to raise themselves. But they're not getting important milestones at home, and now I feel I have to be the 'bad guy'.

Bluuuuuuuuuuugh anyway happy Friday y'all lol

#evil stepmother's health kick summer camp

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notasocialismjoke · 7 months

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t-break: day 2, somehow

wrote up all of yesterday's at once, instead gonna add to this as a draft throughout the day and post before going to sleep (if i remember to)

head still feels foggy. not quite in the same way as yesterday? depersonalization isn't as bad at least. i've also been really badly dehydrated as a result of how much weed i'd been having so i've been guzzling water. idk what effect it's having.

already extended my k-safe's timer until tomorrow evening so i'm forced off until then i guess.

idk if i'll still keep it up past then. this is my second t-break attempt since starting this blog and i was going to post a log for the last one and didn't bc i figured i'd get to day 3 and then false alarm! t-break cancelled! maybe actually making posts about it will help me commit, idk.

had a dream last night - the shed in my backyard had been extended into a full house. at another point there was a dragon i was fighting? in the sky, and for some reason it had to assemble at the start of the fight??? and i tried to kill it before it attached its front legs so the fight would be easier because it coildn't fly as fast????? idfk

having trouble eating, probably not helped by the fact that i'm using phentermine for adhd at the moment and it's an anorectic lol

no idea if it's weed related or not but for the life of me i can't get to the right fucking temperature. always just too hot and i'm sweating or just too cold and i'm chilly.

cravings are stronger today than yesterday. extended my k-safe's timer by a day in response, so now it opens tomorrow night. too fuckin scared to lock it longer than that.

fucking adding to it through out the day lol ALREADY WROTE THAT DUMBASS. case in point: memory's still pretty fucked, brain's still too foggy.

i also stopped drinking coffee about a week ago and thank fuck, no withdrawals that i can discern (furious wood-knocking). anytime in the past i've stopped caffeine i've gotten brutal migraines and nausea, probably the worst kind of drug withdrawal i've had.

the thing that really... messes with me? scares me? is that i've seen a bunch of people repeat that while a good chunk of the brain fog should clear up within a few weeks, it takes months for it to go away it's entirety and... just the thought that it will take half a year or longer? and i don't know how much of this i'm going to have to feel until then?

i added another day to my k-safe. as in it's at two days now, this isn't just me forgetting that i mentioned it already again. it now opens monday night (today being saturday.)

might skip my adhd meds tomorrow, see if it makes eating any easier

...not sure i feel like this is definitely going to end prematurely? probably will but like... it doesn't feel like a forgone conclusion

saw a new video was up in a youtube series i'm watching (brickcrafts's lego city) and managed to correctly guess that i'd missed a video bc it had been too long since i last remembered seeing one and, fuck me that's a little bit of hope.

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hospitalterrorizer · 7 months

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diary16

9/20-21/2023

wouldn't you believe it, i have a smile on my face right now.

i'm so really for real happy right now for some reason, or for a few reasons, but i'm really happy. one reason why is today was errand day and i kept it together and it wasn't so bad and maybe they won't be that bad ever again. i don't want to jinx it but i feel very optimistic i guess. second reason why is i did 3 songs today, i thought i'd only do 2, and like yesterday i created more presets that can move between songs and will really help out in figuring out these songs. more cool guitar synth sounds, i'm really happy about them, i'm excited to put them in songs and eventually write with them. some actually kind of expand what i can do i think. or what i wanna do, at least. third reason i guess is the song i'm listening to.

youtube

their hair is so giant it's kind of hilarious. it's such a pretty song, and really sweet too. the 'funny it's me' part is seriously incredible to me. it's interesting, the daughter of the woman on the left posts under a lot of their songs, it's crazy how the past still lingers like that. i guess not, it's always super obvious ultimately, it's just shocking. the other day i was thinking about jukeboxes, and how we barely experienced them as like, anything beyond something that plays music, meaning, they used to be or could be annoyances, quotidian to the point of drawing ire and so on, and that's just beyond us, it's not shocking to know, but it's an experience we're not going to have and we're also not going to be caught up in the pushing and pulling of living amongst that technology and all the ways the bourgeois manage that annoyance by inventing ways to silence jukeboxes (the thought was spurred by how they had silent vinyl in the machines you could put money in to play). obviously we have many similar situations, technology is designed to be at least 10-20% annoying always (don't ask about my numbers) because if it agitates and there's a way to alleviate that, then you've invented an industry out of your invention, sorta. this is all like, 101 type stuff, it doesn't really need to be repeated, everybody knows, i know it, obvs.

so i'm up to 16 songs done, 9 more to go, i'm thinking with some of the new plugins today one thing i'll do on my final pass of all these, or in the returns what i'll do is an evolution of my saturator return track idea, where i use the saturn 2 and do some subtle tube distortion in the mids, to get kind of what my mic setup was doing to all the sound, and try to reign that in, so i can have the positive qualities of that in the mix. if all the guitars sound better, and that happens, and they still sound good, i feel like that might be kind of 'sick' or 'dope' or something. idk why i'm saying that, i guess to entertain myself a little.

i'm really sort of dreading going back to the first 5 songs i did in this pass, but i'm sure it won't be as bad as i think, i mean dreading listening to them even. but we'll see. i'm excited to finish up this process and get to doing vocals again, and then even just writing some stuff. who knows if it's gonna be for this album or not. if it's like a 10 second long song though yeah it'll be on the album probably. i also did get some writing out today, not music, prose, in the laundromat, ideas i had in the shower, nothing super hefty but it feels like it belongs. funfunfun.

currently still thinking about getting (you know) softube plugins to see if their distortion stuff speaks to me anymore than any others.

i did find a new saturation thingy just now. i hope it's gooder (lol) than some of the other stuff.

when i said i wrote in the laudromat that was wrong, it was on the way there. i don't know why i remembered that wrong. in the laundromat i just listened to the plot to blow up the eiffel tower's first album and stared at the spinning water and clothes. it's crazy how everything that band did after was so much better. it's not bad but they kind of just spend a lot of time goofing around with the jazz stuff, but maybe it is just beyond me. i feel like if i asked someone who knew anything about jazz they'd agree with me though. just a hunch. maybe i will ask my friend huck about that.

also thinking hard about the songs i'm gonna have to begin doing, cuz they're all older ones that are way less 'guitar' heavy, and some even have different drums which means they will take longer.

feeling the itch to go digging on flickr for random photos for collage stuff. that's fun.

one final thing i guess cuz i'm feeling out of it now, today i saw a white goth woman with dreads, really fucked up stuff, cybergoths are still out there, you'll find them working in your local smiths or vons or whatever. kroger. whatever. isn't kroger terrifying as a prospect.

byebyebye

#Youtube

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iwadori · 3 years

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Haikyu boys when they take a joke/prank too far (Iwaizumi,Daichi)

Word count: 1.9K

Genre:angst,fluff

AN: In the spirit of April Fools I tried to make my first work based on that I hope you enjoy!! (LOL I can’t actually believe this was the first thing I’ve ever written)

Iwaizumi:

“Okay so it’s April Fools Day who are we going to prank?” asked Makki “One of the first years?”

“Do we have to prank someone this year..” replied Iwaizumi “so childish”

“Iwa-Chan!” Oikawa said “Don’t be such a spoil sport.”

“Anyways, it can’t be a first year they’re boring to prank a first year coach will be mad at us, we need someone else.”

Just then, you enter the gym, catching their eye as you approach the group sitting on Iwaizumi’s lap “Hey babe, I can still come over to yours to study right?” you ask.

“Yeah of course, practice finishes early so I'll be there before you.” He said

“Alright, see you then bye babe, bye guys” you said, giving Iwaizumi a kiss on the cheek sauntering off and waving at Makki, Mattsun and Oikawa.

“bye Y/N!” They teasingly responded in unison making you laugh.

As they watched you leave, it seemed as if a lightbulb pinged off in all of their heads (besides Iwaizumi) realizing who would be a great person to prank.

After a lot of convincing, they finally got Iwaizumi in on the ‘harmless’ plan, all they needed to do now is wait on your arrival.

You’re finally done with school after a long and tiring day of exams upon exams and wanting nothing more than to cuddle with your boyfriend (after he teaches you Pythagoras theorem of course.) You did think he was acting weird when you met him this morning in the gym and throughout break and lunch but you just concluded that it was because he was having an ‘off’ day.

You reached his house and used a copy of his key that he gave you to enter we just enter houses up in this bitch calling out his name “Zumi-babe, I'm here...”

“Lets get this shit over with” you said tiredly

Upon entering, you notice none of the lights being on or curtains drawn ‘odd’ you think. You go upstairs going straight to his room hopefully to find your boyfriend in his bed or on his Xbox or something. To your surprise his bedroom door was somehow locked shut (even though not having a lock on his door anyways.) Suddenly, you hear creaks slowly trailing up the stairs and an eerie feeling surrounds you... now you start to feel pretty panicked jiggling the door handle to Iwaizumi’s door as it’s practically the only place you can go.

AN: I hate what I’m writing rn but onwards we right

The footsteps on the stairs start to quicken, and you almost certain that you felt something brush pass your shoulder only adding onto the panic and anxiety that you already feel. Ok, the footsteps on the stairs are basically right near you, so doing the only logical thing you can do you body slam the ‘person’ on the stairs as you motherfuckin should as tears fill your eyes and you pick up bag bolting through the front door, slamming it shut now in full tears and shakingly scared.

You look behind you and see Iwaizumi’s front door re-open and out comes the ‘iNFaMouS sEiJOh fOuR’ in tears... of laughter. It seems that the boys were in laughing fits that their prank ‘payed off’ getting a reaction out of you. You couldn’t see Iwaizumi’s reaction, but you didn’t care you were hurt, annoyed and wanting to get into your bed.

Once you get home, you decide to block your so called ‘friends’ who decided to make you scared shitless and ignored Iwaizumi’s messages asking “where were you today”.... the AUDACITY.

The next day, the boy’s seemed to realize the consequences of their actions after spending the whole day trying to get your attention only to be straight up ignored. Iwaizumi is immensely regretful after all his efforts to try talking to you were denied, he decided after his practice he was going to get you to talk to him or at least get you to listen to his apologies on what happened yesterday evening.

You left your clubroom and made your way to the school gate to go home.

“Y/N!” shouted Iwaizumi touching your shoulder making you flinch ‘wow did we really scare her that bad?”

“What do you want iwa?” You asked very agitated

“Y/N I just want to apologize for yesterday, since it was April fools day and all the boys really wanted to prank someone and I-it just happened to be-”

“It just happened to be me. Right?” you interrupted “Gosh Iwaizumi, I was really scared.. I already had a tiring day and all I wanted was my boyfriend to teach me the stupid Pythagoras Theorem and cuddle me afterwards, but no you and your friends just had to be dicks for a day” you turn around planning to walk away before he grabs you again

“Wait! Just wait y/n, im sorry and I wont ever prank you like that again” he pleaded

“.. and i’ll help you study?” he added pulling the sweetest face of all time to try and convince you

“ugh, fine stop pulling that face... and you better teach me Pythagoras Theorem” you said rolling your eyes

“yeah yeah whatever you say y/n” he said pulling you under his arm and walking in the direction of his house.

A/N: WOW I DID NOT like the way this turned out but its my first official thing that I wrote hopefully HOPEFULLY MY WORK IMPROVES (I THINK IT WILL) SO please join me on this ‘ride’ in improving my work

Daichi:

You decided this morning that you were NOT going to participate in your annual April Day Fool’s prank with Tanaka and Noya... only because of your not-so new boyfriend Daichi saying he didn’t need his teammates corrupting you any longer so you decided to not get involved. With that being said you wouldn’t even think of your boyfriend pulling a prank on you so you didn’t think you’re getting pranked today.

In the gym, the boys were doing the usual: Hinata and Kageyama running after eachother, Tanaka and Noya oogling Kiyoko, Tsukishima listening to music, Yama and Yachi going over club schedules whilst Daichi sat with Sugawara and Asahi.

“So are you pranking anyone today?” sugawara asked

“Pranking someone, isn’t that a bit too juvenile suga?” Asahi replied

“Not you silly, Daichi” said sugawara “With Y/N on his arm they always have to stay on eachothers toes right..she’s a ‘jokester’ right?”

“...right?” Daichi hadn’t thought of it that way, he did know of all your joking escapades before you even got together and how you still liked to joke around now as you date.. He didn’t want you to think that you thought he was too boring for you ?

“Ok. What type of prank should I pull on her..”

Daichi, Sugawara and Asahi (who didn’t really contribute to Suga’s scheming) made a plan for you to meet him at the gym locker with the claims that he had a ‘surprise’ for you .. oh how he was wrong.

Daichi: meet me at the gym locker I have something to show you

Y/N: Ok!! I’ll be there in 5 minutes

Daichi was nervous, and that was an understatement he didn’t want things to go left and have you thinking he couldn’t even do a simple prank. Once you got there, he saw heard you talking to Sugawara and Asahi outside the door about him wondering where he was in which Suga told you inside the locker room.

“Hey babe” you greeted “what's the occasion in why we’re in here?”

“I...uh..um I need to get something one second” Daichi spoke quickly and rushed out the room closing the door leaving you confused. Minutes passed, and you were now impatient and kinda scared since the room was dusty, dark and cold definitely not your place to be in. You tried texting Daichi but just your luck you have no service ://

As time went on you tried opening the door but it was jammed shut no hope opening at all you forgot you left your bag outside which of course had your inhaler which did not help the sudden shortness of breath you started to get because of your asthma and claustrophobia. All you wanted was to get out of this room and talk to … Daichi.

Daichi. How convenient that he manage to slip away before the door got closed hmm but he wouldn’t intentionally prank you after ALL the lectures he gave you about not doing pranks this year right?

You didn’t notice how you started to cry and whimper wanting to leave.

On the outside, Daichi heard your cries and ordered Sugawara and Asahi to find the key to immediately get you out which it seems to take a while because Daichi has now stopped hearing your tears making him gulp in fear thinking something bad has happened to you in there.

Sugawara comes to you handing Daichi the keys, his handing shaking as he tries to unlock the door when he eventually does he finds you passed out on the ground of the dusty storage room. Very cliché I know ://

You wake up in the Nurses Office a bit confused on how you got there until your eyes land upon Daichi, remembering how you locked you in the Storage room where you had an asthma attack and passed out. You turned your body away from Daichi not wanting to talk to him right now after the hypocrisy he did.

“Y/N.. Are you alright?” He asked

“Do I look alright?” You responded in a bored tone

“I am really sorry Y/N... I know what I said to you about not doing pranks this year but Sugawara roped me into this and I didn’t want you to think I was too boring for you so I thought doing this prank would make you see me in a different light” he said

“yeah i saw you in a different light alright” you sassed, you then realised what he said ‘too boring’ kind of feeling less mad and more sad that he feels this way “Dai, you’d never be to boring for me … you’re one of the most funness is that a word? guys I've ever met.”

“really?” he asked

“Of course! I’m kind of still mad at you for letting this happen but I do sort of understand why” you said giving him a hug.

You were eventually cleared to go home and as you left the clinic you saw Asahi and Sugawara standing at the door.

“Y/N WE’RE SORRY” they bowed to you waiting on your responses

You chuckled slightly at their cuteness and ruffled both of their hair “all is forgiven, just make sure there’s ‘pranks’ this year “

Which they agreed upon.

A/N: WOW I DID NOT like the way these turned out but its my first official thing that I wrote hopefully HOPEFULLY MY WORK IMPROVES (I THINK IT WILL) SO please join me on this ‘ride’ in improving my work. Feedback is VERY MUCH APPRECIATED and request too since I will literally write whatever...

I may do a part 2 … any particular characters people want?

#haikyuu x reader comfort #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu-fluff #haikyu angst #iwaizumi x reader #daichi sawamura #daichi x you #haikyu headcanons #haikyuu scenarios #iwaizumi x you #iwaizumi hajime #sugawara scenario #daichi scenario #signedwithane😌

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