diary225

4/27-28/2024

saturday - sunday

going in to open tomorrow..

sucks. all there is to say.

i am waiting for my gf to get back home soon. she's seeing swans right now, at sick new world, that festival.

swans are a band i loved in hs, and some of their songs still mean something to me, a lot even, like the live version of blood promise on swans are dead. but it seems to me like gira is a rather terrible person which is maybe part of the music, i'm not really into separating art from artist or whatever, what's also interesting is that he's a rather bad reader of bataille i think and really wished to be like him. his one book is quite bad and an evident attempt at ripping bataille i think.

i wrote a bit earlier, and i read a pretty big chunk of agua viva today, a little over half of it done, i wonder about where the book is going to end up inside me, under this horrible attack of allergies, i am finding it hard to say a lot on the book itself, but i am perhaps putting it into my body, in the stress and pain and itching of my eyelids. or that is a hope at least.

anyhow i need to sleep soon. maybe i should just give up on waiting for my gf and sleep now. my nose feels very bad and idk what is up inside me. i hate pollen, even though i love flowers

my nose feels like it's always gonna bleed.

anyway, not much else today, i vced with my friend for a while today, i usually can't so it was very nice to hear from him, he was happy to hear from me, all around a good thing to have happen, he told me about some sad stuff going on in his life, i told him about my various friend-breakup things going on. he says he feels crazy lately, i also am feeling a little crazy lately. but it was good, i am just out of it because of my allergies and stuff.

that and not sleeping enough. because of this dumb schedule my fuck ass job has me on!!!

anyway,

i do need to rest, so

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Mr. Cat registers annoyance." From More Mr. Cat and a Bit of Amber Too by George Freedley, illustrated by Victor J. Dowling.

Drama! Cats on a Ridge of a Roof at Full Moon by Fedor Flinzer (1832–1911). Source.

just stand🌒

The Birth of Venus, woven

diary224

4/26-27/2024

friday - saturday

i got out early.

i wanted to cook and stuff tonight, since i got out early but my gf went out fsr, so i couldn't really, because i know she won't eat leftovers.

thinking that i do need to draw again soon, stuff i have not finished that i want to and getting into daily doodling will just help me i think. but too tired. i am working 7 days in a row now cuz i worked weds, thurs, fri, and next i work sat, sun, mon, tues, which is a great way to schedule people to destroy anything but their interiority. reading at work is nice, leaving early was still really nice for me because it cut a whole 3 hours off my shift.

here are some quotations:

"and i am haunted by my ghosts, by all that is mythic, fantastic, and gigantic: life is supernatural. i walk holding an open umbrella upon a tightrope. i walk to the limit of my great dream. i see the fury of the visceral impulses: tortured viscera guide me. i don't like what i just wrote -- but i'm duty bound to accept the whole section because it happened to me. and i have much respect for what i happen to myself. my essence is unconscious of itself and that's why i obey myself blindly."

(no typo in the above, i think frequently about the very odd phrasings in this book, much respect for what i happen to myself. it makes an odd sense. or not odd. it makes non-sense, it is the inconclusive phrase, she illustrates there, the inconstant, the freedom of her heart leading her to where she does not know but she is there at a place, and beyond this, to happen to oneself, what i happen to myself, self-exposing in the oddest ways, this here is becoming in the non-zone she carves out, the cavern and then below:)

"the transcendence inside me is the living and soft "it" and has the thought that an oyster has. could the oyster when torn from its root feel anxiety? it is disturbed in its life without eyes. i used to drip lemon juice onto the living oyster and watched in horror and fascination as it contorted all over. and i was eating the living it. the living it is the god."

"i don't like when they drip lemon upon my depths and make me contort all over. are the facts of life lemon on the oyster? does the oyster sleep?"

the becoming in the oyster's spasms. how lovely and wretched!! i feel the same ways so often. viscera guide, to what i cannot know, i know though, i want to be guided, and to give myself over to glossolalia which speaks something i cannot reason and cannot develop as knowledge, but something i can keep in my veins. the meaninglessness of veins.

i've also uncovered a new and lovely word in this book today: cantabile.

it can mean smooth or flowing, pointed specifically at the voice but she uses it beyond this meaning but to refer back to singing, music is a constant referent in the book. it is also a kind of phrasing in music made to mimic the human voice or what it might do, i think.

i just made edamame to eat. i need to get more of this for snacking instead of...trash like chips.. i do really just like like, those ridge cut chips from trader joe's but these are better in flavor and for me, like, being healthy. plus they are salty whcih i constantly crave.

now i am brushing my teeth, soon i will suh-leep.

one thing, i had a dream about worms destroying the world, again. this one was beneath a mall that used to be a temple or...it was somewhere in the middle-east and it was some pagan deity, revived and now seeking vengeance on the world, i don't know why. i recall having to do something. but i don't remember what. i remember the wall, i remember learning about things in cutscenes, the worm emerging from the sky, a terrible thing.

anyway, i do need to sleep soon so

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Silent Hill 3 - Double Head 

diary223

4/25-26/2024

thursday - friday

going in for closing tomorrow.

and i am staying up too late now. i should sleep soon, but today i went out, it was nice and fun, i almost read something in front of people but did not, maybe i should have but i was nervous about the people there, but the reading was nice, better than the ones we usually get to see. it's interesting what people who aren't in school for writing get up to.

i would have read that random thing i spat out a few days ago, the 'assemblage' which i still need to throw more into. i didn't really do any creative work today, i just relaxed outside of work, which wasn't so bad, terribly dull and a waste of time and life, but not exhausting especially. tomorrow might be, cuz i am closinnng.

doesn't matter though, soon this really will be all over.

i do need to get the cds i was wanting to get off discogs too, and then a birthday gift for my gf... i have something in mind.

beyond alll thissss, idk. tomorrow i might try to record. need to sleep soon to get to that at a reasonable time since i need to leave at 1 pm. and then fix my sleep again.

bluh.

thinking more about doing a reading of my own writing is exciting, it's nice that there's a place to do it and that i've got friends involved in that. one person who i really enjoy seeing/hanging out with/talking to.

i also read more agua viva, it is very specific, it reaches at such an internal point of me, and i think the act of living broadly, it is hard to transmit what it does, it can hardly transmit itself, it is a stumbling thing, the speaker says often, i want inconsistency, the inconclusive, the ability to not answer, the ability to dissolve, the cavernous, the flow of becoming. i too want this, to be near this flow. and to be near it, a source of pain, as much as the wanting is the pain too.

it is hard to write about but the more time i spend with it, perhaps the easier it will become, all books, the clots of writing and thought themselves, not authors, but the words, both in sound and play and in meaning or meaninglessness, these represent other ways of thinking and seeing i think, i believe that really, each one you open into something else, to contend with, another place to be, and in drinking in that, the delicacy and the voluptuousness of each, you do not leave it behind upon finishing but it is a new fold in a fabric along your interior, more studded grows the life we lead, textured and sparkling, attention goes to stranger places.

this is part of, i think, what the book reaches at. this painter character makes efforts to escape painting, nothing in plot especially, it is simply spoken, to enter into words, shirking off the act of painting. into, i am not sure, speaking, words, not an explicit poetry but one which is implied not by form but by gesture maybe.

anyhow, i do need to be sleeping, but one maybe embarrassing thing i was thinking about today, recently a favorite yt channel of mine uploaded an 11 hour playthru of illbleed, it was one of the first things he did on his channel, and something about the game but also his presence makes me very happy, it's somewhere a part of me that makes me feel consistent with myself, those images, that voice. another one, watching the infinite review and hearing owen/mechagamezilla. weird and pathetic becuz most yt stuff is so so so disposable and that's almost the point of what these people i like do, discard for the sake of it. there is just something there, they have i guess been parts of my life for like, a long time, mechagamezilla especially. i like that he now does videos about stuff that is not games, i always want gamers(tm) to get out of that, just broadly, it feels like part of why videogames seem stuck in lots of ways, as an art or whatever you want to call it. it's almost by design though, they so often take so much time, as hobbies. especially with the development of effectively infinite games, seasonal multiplayer, gambling simulation, infinitely randomizable games, a lot of roguelikes. it is weird.

anyway, i need to sleep actually, so

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

there is always two of you 🪞

diary222

4/24/24

wednesday

another opening shift tomorrow.

and i also get paid!! i also got a check today cuz i forgot it lol. i also just used it all . lol!! but i'm okay with that because i need an external hard drive, i should also stock up on skincare and clothes while i can also. things to assuage whatever... idk, desires and anxieties, to last long enough.

i will probably finish discipline and punish before work tomorrow, and i brought agua viva to work today, just to get into that book. should be a quicker read, i basically only got to where i was at when i started it last, but restarting is good, i will say, i think bringing a pen to work to take notes in the book, this used to be my ideal way to read things, taking notes in the book, but maybe not anymore? it feels like it gets in the way. so i will drink the book as i read it and not take notes for now, until i read something that seems to beg of it. i tend to underline too much anyways because i love every line i guess.

another thing on my mind, is the real frustration with seeing protestors at various college campuses, the people occupying buildings, setting up tents, trying to do something (anyone can say oh it is useless or whatever, but we do not know this for certain until it all comes out at the end, even if it demonstrates possibility, can we say that it is useless? that is a beautiful thing to illustrate for us all) as anti-semites. it is a total fabrication and distortion of the goals of these movements as far as i can gather, they are simply agglutinations of a desire not for 'justice' but the fact of an end to genocidal empire, imperial meddling, and so on. this is an important desire, the fact this is put forth in the media as anti-semitic terrorism on the rise, is psychotic and stoking the fact that we have seen so many actual fascist turns in this country as a way to increase panic towards anything radical and 'abnormal,' and even 'unnatural' as the unnatural is what prevents the continuous flow of regular life. demonstration of that as non-continuous, something you might step outside, the law, pigs, work, school, discipline and the facts of hierarchy, even in miniature, even if for seconds, even if these communes (in miniature) fail into these kinds of terrible organizations once again, there was something there where it did not confirm these facts. the world is praying on failure. i hope they remain strong in organization, that they are not treating one another poorly, that they are sharing. that they resist their being painted as terrorists (not that they don't destroy anything really who gives a fuck about property, i mean resist the guilting at work, this super-parental-punishing complex these apparatuses of the state would like to mobilize against the students and faculty).

it makes me sad that there is nothing near me. perhaps there is, and maybe i can only talkabout wanting it? it on some level, makes me feel like a failure. i hope i am not. there is something soon and i'll try to go but it seems...idk. it's 'a night of resistance' where they are serving 'free middle-eastern food' which isn't bad but it's got the air of a meet and greet rather than, idk, anything else. but maybe this city and campus is so distant a meet and greet could accomplish more than i imagine. i will be there to try and listen i suppose.

that is all i can do, it feels like.

(shell out money also but it's rude to talk about such things seeking eyes upon the act (is this a bourgeois moralism lodged inside my heart? i cannot tell. it feels true to me, no matter what. (and i wonder, under all this quibbling, i am supposing my saudi friend would say something about how i talk about this, the same way many crackers do i guess. it's a pathetic way to wish the world were better maybe.)))

anyway, i worked on the last song in that list, so i am back to the 3 songs that need vox and that's it. hope i get on that soon.

i hope i have the day off of work for the strange palestine thing. there will be poetry there, i hope it is good poetry. i am worried it will not be.

i worry a lot of things will be bad, i guess. maybe that's obvious. it gets in the way of living often. the fear is an engine too though, it propels me, maybe misshapen to the idea of life lived right, without fear, maybe i am wrong, but i hold onto the pulsions of my will(s), whatever they are, they take me to something, at least.

passion/(dis)passion, they seem almost equal voices perhaps.

anyhow i really must be getting to sleep now. last night was so sleepless, it seemed like maybe only an hour, and then at work, a profound waste of time came upon me when i was told i had to, along side my coworker, lift extremely heavy boxes of tiles because the owner came and said 'i don't like this. it makes no sense'. terrible stuff to happen to a (thing, androgyne, girl/boy,) like me, who needs sleep and to not be sore.

but i liked what i ate today, so that is nice.

anyway,

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

nuts 2005年 04月号 vol.06

diary221

4/23/2024

tuesday

coming here early,

to write this dream down:

i've already lost how it started, a cramped city, somewhere between chicago and tokyo, that's what it's making me remember. i was part of some kind of organization, street level, maybe ran out of a church or something related to that. my coworker jesus was in the dream, and my boss bernard was in the dream. jesus and i were going to bernard, he had us come into this building he was working out of, it had security camera monitors in it, he was managing something still i guess, on the monitors when he turned away, it went to a screen that just showed fnaf characters, i thought it was funny in the dream. he smiled at me, said something about a dream i would have, that it was important. he predicted there would be a dog, statues, some kind of interior place.

i went to sleep on the ground there, it was like a vision they needed i guess.

the dream started with me walking in this suburb type area, outside of where all the homes are, it reminded me of this view we had in colorado, standing on a large hill, looking out over everything, it was this elevated view and on my right all these massive blooming flowers, not massive as in larger than me, just unnaturally large, petals vivid to a frightening degree, everything felt ripe, the light felt ripe, there was a sense that this dream was around halloween but also summer, some sort of odd convergence.

i keep walking, the flowers are all blue, red, white, yellow, roses and poppies common maybe, those are the shapes, those and tulip shapes as well. the roses are almost like pinwheels stuck out of the earth, i am walking along this curved path, coiling into some kind of atrium, before i get there, views of distant towns on other mountains, the tops of supermarkets, a sense of red and green, the red and green of roses, a kind of violent bloom i guess. ripe, it was ripe, how odd.

the atrium, there were many more flowers, they became almost ethereal here, blue and white mostly, violets, there were violets and there were vines growing on these two huge statues religious and odd, they had their arms outstretched but they were not saints any of us know, they had to be saints as there was a sense in this dream of a nearness to christianity, i as an outsider helping maybe? i don't know.

i stared at them a while but they weren't doing much. there were huge gothic windows behind them, frosted glass made the light come in as shafts, a twinkling midday, the light had not changed at all as the dream began.

i turned to my left, and there were two vine covered exits to this place, further into some facility, one was lit, shorter, i could see another room, but to its right was this black path, the vines were really all the walls and roof, a trellis overgrown. it was totally dark and light hardly penetrated beyond that threshold i was inching nearer, and from the dimness i could see a rottweiler sprinting at me. it tackled me, it made no sound but it was trying to kill me. it emerged, oddly, into focus, not just taking shape from darkness but deformed by a camera lens as well.

as it was trying to kill me, i bit into its muzzle, i bit through the bone, severed its upper jaw from its head, spat it out, and watched it run away, mouthless.

i woke up, and explained what i saw that he told me i'd see. that there were other details, other paths, other things, the suburb, and so on. he said i made a choice in the dream, it seemed to him that i made the right one.

we all went to a market, the three of us, jesus became agitated, i don't know why, the market had a huge aquatic animal section, to buy for meat and stuff but they were all kept alive, a massive live animal market for fish i guess, there was a large drainage area, it reminds me of that sewer area in dark souls 1, that area where you can slide down as a shortcut. jesus went into there, as deep as it was, and pushed a shopping cart over into it. i don't really know why, or what that accomplished. the light in the place felt like the fluorescent re imagining of the light in the atrium, and i was climbing on something trying to get jesus, he went over to this area where all these snails were being kept, and he tried to kill a bunch, bernard got him from behind, i was wet and staring at all the snails, they were these odd blue things, realizing now they resembled fleshy and translucent version of those flowers.

somehow, things happened such that jesus killed bernard, ran off, he sent me some final message, bernard, it said "you need to build comuny"which i think meant community, which recalls the reading i did before bed, i don't know why it was written so poorly.

outside the market, there were people mourning his death, a man who worked a stall who knew him was throwing out all the waste of that day, a bunch of mozzarella sticks in a spiral formation floating into the trash can, another lingering image.

very weird dream.

anyway it is 10pm now, i did 2 out of 3 remaining tracks, took more time than i thought but it's okay cuz last one should be easy and then i can try to focus on lyrics tomorrow. i have to sleep now though, because i have to wake up so early to get ready and stuff.

but the songs i worked on just now really do sound a lot better i think, which is nice. those impulse responses i found are really saving my life i think, they're just so much better than what i normally find.

not much else i want to put here. i didn't really eat today and i still haven't eating and probably just will tomorrow. i mean i did eat but nothing very filling, so i just feel,, whatever, about stuff.

so in order to not feel that i'll go to sleep so,

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!