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ange1s · 3 years

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cherry emoji - mark lee

synopsis: in which mark asks to see your boobs, and the idea you had of your relationship is thrown up in the air.

wc: 3.6k

genre: this is so fluffy it hurts, some angst but nothing crazy

tw: suggestive themes (boobs), swearing

playlist: pluto projector by rex orange county, ivy by frank ocean, tapestry by bruno major

a/n: guess whos back ,, back again ,,, ange1s back ,,, tell a friend,,,, also this is unedited so i'm sorry if theres a mistake :')

my anon asks are open !! feel free to ask me anything or request something <3

“i have a weird question.” mark says timidly. you’re sat on the floor, your back against his bed playing a rhythm game on your phone. he is sat at his desk, parallel to his bed, but with the rolling chair swivelled around to face you straight ahead. you don’t look up.

“hmm.” you hum, focused on the game.

mark swallows. “can i see your boobs?”

you drop your phone into your lap, forgetting about the game. you look up at him, straight into his eyes, and you giggle.

“wait, what?”

mark avoids your eyes almost fearfully, as if you were a detective questioning him for a crime. “can i see your boobs?” softer, this time.

you let out a shallow laugh. “don’t you watch porn? there are boobs there.”

mark blushes. “no! i mean, yes i do, but not real boobs.”

you cross your arms under your boobs on purpose, just to push them up a little higher to drive him nuts. mark sits back in his chair in frustration.

“so you think women aren’t real? that all boobs in porn are fake? jeez mark i thought you cared about women-“

“no! that’s not what i meant!” he says, exasperated. he continues to avoid eye contact with you. “of course i don’t think-“

you laugh again, keeling over. “relax mark, i know you don’t think all women are plastic.”

“look, there’s nothing wrong with being plastic, women can do whatever they-“ mark speaks quickly and nervously as if he were on trial.

“shut up minhyung,” you cut him off with a softer, more serious tone. “why do you want to see my boobs? you’re famous and cute. you could instantly find boobs wherever you go.”

he chuckles. “the word boob is so funny.”

“not the point, minhyung!”

he leans back over, the embarrassment slowly washing away. “stop calling me minhyung!”

“never, minhyung!” you retort without even thinking. you stand up to sit on his bed, now at eye level with him. “now, explain.”

“i… i dunno. i’ve just never seen boobs before. like, in person.”

you look directly at him, brain not even thinking anymore. words just fly out of your mouth with ease. “were you breastfed?”

“y/n!” he exclaims out of frustration. the embarrassment fizzles back in. he throws his head to the back of his chair and covers his eyes with his palm dramatically. he runs his hand down his face, tugging on the soft skin as it travels down. as his hand makes it back down to his lap, you giggle a little louder. “my mom’s boobs don’t fucking count. god, you made me think of my mom’s boobs. what the fuck?”

“sorry,” you manage in between giggles. “sorry, this is so funny.”

“this is impossible. i knew i shouldn’t have asked you.” mark pulls himself out of the chair and heads for the door, but you’re just as fast as him.

“now wait…” you grab his wrist to keep him from leaving. a wave of guilt washes over you. “i was just kidding.”

“were you? you didn’t sound like you were.” he says, his face still turned away from yours.

he sounds strangely hurt. “mark, are you okay?”

mark turns to face you and he looks defeated. he slumps down on the floor next to you, his knees up near his chest and his head in his hands.

“mark…”

“they were making fun of me.”

“who?”

“my friends! they were making fun of me. god, i sound like such an idiot now, whining about my friends like this, oh my god. i sound like a child.”

you rest your elbow on his shoulder giving your hand access to run through his soft, black hair. “you don’t sound like a child. you’re allowed to get upset.”

you take note at how the air shifted in the room. how quickly you focused and listened. you’re only like this around mark. with him, conversations can shift in an instant to anything. you understand each other on a deep, personal level. it’s something you don’t think you’ll ever have with another person for your entire life. maybe your soulmate. honestly? you can only dream to have this sort of connection with your soulmate, a connection so alive and so full of trust. is it even possible to have this with someone else? the fact that mark can make you think about how much he trusts you during a conversation about boobs is something only mark can make you feel. no one else. just him.

has it always been just him?

“it’s so stupid though. one minute lucas is bugging me about the fact that i’m a virgin and i’ve never seen boobs before and the next minute i’m on the floor of my bedroom with you, still not having seen any boobs mind you, nearly crying. damn. this is the lowest point i will ever reach.”

you push his hands away from his face and place your hands on his cheeks instead. “mark, please don’t cry. i hate it when you cry.”

the last time you saw mark cry was a month ago after watching a disney movie. seeing him cry just makes you cry, and since you were already crying, you just cried harder. seeing you cry makes him cry too, so he cried harder as well. the two of you just cried together until your heads hurt, to which you both took tylenols and tried to dance it off.

“i’m pathetic. insecure and pathetic.”

this is when you realize that there is more depth to his feelings than you thought.

“look, mark, i’ll show you my boobs. i trust you. i’m honestly surprised you haven’t seen them accidentally yet since i’ve known you for so long.” you chuckled, trying to lighten the mood. didn‘t work. “but i get the feeling that there’s more to this then just boobs.”

mark never really vented to you like this before. despite how close you are, he still kept things from you growing up, as a teenage boy does. you never took offense to this, as you kept plenty from him too. he never quite talked about his insecurities, his fears. he didn’t want to burden you with them. mark, so sweet and thoughtful. maybe too much for his own good. he needs to learn to share things.

he's starting to, though.

it takes him a while to speak, avoiding your eyes entirely. he speaks lowly, as if he was scared to tell the world what he was about to say.

“it’s just… everything about this sucks. everything. i’m kinda scared to tell you things, which can make us drift apart because we lose trust. then again, if i do tell you things, i’m scared it’ll freak you out and i’ll lose you. those are both bad endings. then, i’m scared to put myself out into the world. like, lucas is telling me to just find someone. go out, ask for a number, have a good time, live like someone in their 20s should be living. i can’t really do it though. every time i try, i choke. lucas once tried to set me up, you remember that, right?”

“yeah, that was the girl who stood you up.”

“yeah. it’s awful. every time i try it fails. i’ve been trying to get to the bottom of why it fails every single time but i just couldn’t. but then, i realized.” he shifts and faces you causing your hands to fall off his face and into your lap. “when i came home after being stood up, i wasn’t sad. i forgot the moment i left the restaurant. i texted lucas that the date didn’t happen and just shut my phone off and went to your place. i wasn’t sad because i knew i had you. i knew that you were going to make me feel better and that made it all go away.” he pauses. “you know? sometimes i get worried that i put too much on you. you’re my happiness, my relaxation, my joy. i worry sometimes that you’ll suffocate because i take so much from being with you. i keep this in the back of my head all the time because i just don’t want you to go. ever.”

holy shit.

“mark…”

“let me finish. i talked about this with lucas, and he told me that i can let myself be selfish sometimes. he said that i can want this that… that i can want you. i can think about you and how you make me happy and i can want that happiness yesterday, today, and tomorrow, and the day after. shit, i care about you more than anything. my heart swells and my stomach gets all these annoying little butterflies when i think of you. it’s fucking crazy. and now, today, here i am. you know, lucas, jaemin and i were talking about girls and boobs and fuck i don’t know, jaemin said that i just had to get that intimacy with someone. and it just fucking clicked. the only person i want to be intimate with is you and i’m thinking now that maybe i was stupid for asking to see your boobs. which is so stupid, i could’ve just asked to kiss you or share a bed with you or i don’t know. i’m really sorry if that was gross of me. i just wasn’t thinking. it’s so damn hard to think straight when it comes to you. i just really want to be closer to you, however that might be.”

your heart races at a speed that doctors would deem impossible. you don’t know what to think or where to look. you feel like you’re going to explode. though, if you explode, he’ll probably explode too. that wouldn’t be good.

mark looks down. he fills with regret. he doesn’t think he should've said that. maybe you'll hate him now. maybe you’ve never felt this way about him before.

you inhale slowly, trying to convince your lungs that breathing is normal and not something that can just stop when hearing speeches like this.

what is the proper thing to say? mark i love you? but do you love him? everything is so confusing right now. of course you love him, but you never considered love in this way. can i kiss you? too forward? but he wants intimacy, and you want it too. i feel the same way? boring. you can do better. mark, and his way with words. so beautiful. how do you compete? mark, you’re beautiful. mark is so beautiful. you try so hard to compose the words. maybe too hard. maybe it’s okay to go with option 3.

now, they just flow out. “mark… i think i feel the same way you do. i don’t know it’s just- i’ve always felt some sort of way toward you. something is so special about you. i spent years trying to decipher it, thinking it was just something platonic or brotherly or i dunno. i just never considered… this. i don’t even know what to call this. but it feels right. you’ve always felt right.”

he has. and he always will. he looks at you so lovingly, his enamoured gaze stuck on you. you can’t look up at him, but he watches you.

you continue. “fuck, i don’t know what to say. i’m so… god.” you run your fingers through your hair, as if to comb your brain in search for the right words. “i think you’re so beautiful. everything about you. and i’m so fucking grateful to have someone as amazing as you in my life. i don’t know what i did to deserve someone like you, and i feel like i really don’t deserve you. but it feels right. to be with you. to be alone with you. it’s just right.”

you let a little tear trickle down your cheek. you know if you look up at him, you’ll probably cry harder. you know this well, yet you look up.

“i don’t know what i did to deserve you either.” mark sighs. it’s his turn to wipe your tears now.

“so… what is this? what… are we?” you ask, melting into his hand, which somehow feels softer on your face.

“i don’t know. we can be whatever you want us to be.”

you playfully punch his shoulder, his hands sliding off your cheeks. “come on, you know i hate it when you say that.”

he gets defensive. “and you know i hate it when you hit me! you have a strong hand, yanno? shit!”

you laugh at him, clearing the last unwanted tear off your cheek with the pad of your thumb. “what can i say? gained strength from all those pillow fights over the years.”

“yeah, pillow fights i won.”

“shut up! you know i won the one at jeno’s party!”

mark laughs aloud. your favourite sound. “yeah, because everyone was drunk and you were still on your second drink. it was a very unevenly matched fight!”

“i still won!” you cross your arms and sit up straight as if you assert dominance over the conversation. who are you kidding? it’s all a joke anyways.

you crack after a moment and both of you erupt in a fit of giggles. his head falls into the crook of your neck, and it feels right. it’s almost as if your skin buzzed. you don’t know why, he’s done this many times before. but now, it’s different. the air has shifted again, so quickly. only with mark.

when he comes off of your neck, you stand up. you walk up to the door of his room, and lock it.

“y/n, what-“

you sit on his bed. “can’t have someone walk in while you’re ogling at my boobs, right? i know you and you’d never be able to live that down.”

mark is quick to stand up in defence. “what? no, we don’t have to do that anymore. i said my piece and im over the boob thing and-“

“shut up mark. you know you want to. and i kinda wanna show you too.”

he sits down on the bed across from you without another word but before either of you can move, he speaks again. “wait, kinda? please don’t feel obligated. only do this if you’re-“

“minhyung, please! i want to, ok? i really appreciate how you’re taking care of me but it’s fine. i trust you, and you trust me, right?”

he swallows hard. “right.”

“okay, perfect.” you pull your shirt off over your head, leaving you in your bra. if this was with any other boy, you’d be self conscious about literally everything: the bra you chose, the shape of your body, the hair in the places you let grow out. with mark, none of it matters now. he’s seen you in bathing suits before, this isn’t much different. and knowing how much he cares for you anyways, you know his head is clouded with praise and nothing less. his brain is working so fast right now, he probably won’t even register any imperfections.

“can i take your bra off?” mark sputters out as if he were holding onto the words for hours. “or wait, fuck-“

“yes, you can.”

he is almost shocked at your answer, and it shows. mark’s hands move slowly, his skin slightly cold as he grazes your skin. he leans in unbelievably close to wrap his arms around you to reach your back. he feels your breath on his chin, and your beautiful eyes look so sweet as you look up at him. when he finds the clasp, he kisses your nose as he pulls away, your bra coming back with him. you straighten your arms so the straps fall right off, showing your boobs.

mark is shocked. flabbergasted, even. his jaw almost drops in a shameless, teenaged boy way.

“dang. they’re so cute.”

you scoff. “cute? first boobs of your life and all you have to say is cute?”

“well what else can i say? i am not very well versed in the vast vocabulary that exists to describe your boobs.” he chuckles. “jeez, why is the word boob so fucking funny?”

you can’t help but smile timidly alongside him. that is what mark does, he makes you feel safe no matter what the situation. mark is always worried about you, worried if you are feeling comfortable and if you are okay with what is going on. he never wants things to be tense when you are around, because he hates to see you upset.

right now, you are the opposite of upset.

“y/n,” he brings your attention back to him. you hum in response. “can i touch?”

you freeze for a moment, and nod timidly. mark scoots a little bit closer, and reaches out with his right hand to gently cup your left breast. his hand is warm, and your skin needs a second to adjust to his temperature. he squeezes the flesh in the absolute slightest way, and quickly brings his hand back. he laughs almost exasperated.

“oh my god, it’s squishy? boobs are squishy?! why did that never register in my head?” he laughs loudly, as if he had just discovered something monumental.

“you’re just finding out now? oh my god mark, that’s common knowledge!”

mark looks down, his cheeks red from laughing. “dang, i’m so touch starved that i never knew until now that boobs are squishy. insanity.”

“the more you bring it up, the sadder it gets.” you reply.

he looks up at you with scrunched eyebrows. “don’t be mean. can i touch again?”

“yes, you can.”

mark cups your left boob with his right hand again, this time running his thumb softly over the supple skin. he doesn’t know what his limits are yet. can he go further? can he touch other parts of your boobs? can he touch other parts of your body? he is scared of going too fast and scaring you. mark is doing his very best today to be as careful as possible, as this is probably, remarkably, the best day of his life so far.

he pushes his index finger into your boob gently to poke it, and you laugh softly. at this point, you are just looking down at mark’s hand on your body. honestly, the fact that he isn’t doing anything is almost relaxing.

you look at how slowly his finger moves, like your skin is made up of the most delicate material in the world. he holds you with such care, such control. it is a feeling you want to feel again, and again, and again.

mark inhales slowly. he wants to go further. he wants more. he doesn’t know how you feel yet, but he will wait for you every step of the way.

but just as he opens his mouth, he hears a thud on his door. “mark hyung, we’re home! is y/n here? come eat with us!”

you both jump, as jaemin’s loud voice destroys the entire atmosphere. mark turns a cute shade of pink almost immediately, and takes his hand off of your skin. you are surprised at first, but lose all tension as you watch mark’s reaction. the poor boy is so embarrassed, but even more upset at how shortly your time was cut off. you laugh as he grabs your bra and tries to put it back on you. unfortunately, he cannot figure out how to close the back shut.

“i’m here! we’ll be there in a sec.” you shout, sparing mark from saying something stupid. you clip your bra straps together, and pull your shirt back on.

mark looks upset. “i’m so sorry they cut us off. they were supposed to be out all day, fuck. i’m sorry-”

“mark, baby, it’s okay. you didn’t know. besides, this isn’t ending here.”

mark looks up at you. “baby?”

“oh gosh, i don’t know where that came from. i’m sorry.”

“no no, its cute. i like it. baby. it just…”

“makes sense?”

he nods. “yeah. this makes sense. it really does.”

mark’s heart pounds in his chest as he takes your hands in his. today, they feel softer, warmer. he inhales sharply once again, hoping this time jaemin doesn’t break his door down, or something of the sort.

his thumb does the thing again, rubbing your skin gently. “y/n, i don’t want to be friends anymore. i think we are more than friends.”

you smile. “i do too. this makes sense.”

mark feels like he is going to explode. that would be bad though, because if he exploded, you would too. that wouldn’t be good for anyone.

“so i guess you’re my girlfriend now.”

you giggle softly. “that sounds so much better than best friend.”

“dang, it kinda does, doesn’t it?”

you let go of his hands and climb off his bed. he follows instantly after you do. right before you go to unlock the door, mark takes your hand once again, and turns you to face him.

you heart races as you lock eyes with him. you cannot believe everything that happened today. how your best friend, who you’d known for your whole life, confessed everything he felt for you, and poked your boobs mere minutes after. and that’s okay, because that’s mark. your mark.

“do we have to go down? i really want to see your boobs again.”

you lean over and place a kiss on his cheek, which causes him to lose his train of thought completely. “you’ll see them again soon, i promise. but if we don’t go down, jaemin will come upstairs and try opening your door. you know him, he’ll freak out when he sees that it’s locked. we’d get found out before we even have a chance to start.”

mark sighs. “fine. no more boobs today. guess i’ll just have to suffer without your boobs in my hands. shit, how am i going to survive?”

you unlock the door, and twist the handle. “well baby, i guess you’ll have to figure it out.”

#neowritingsnet #nct fluff #nct mark #mark lee #nct 127 fluff #nct dream fluff #nct dream imagines #nct 127 imagines #nct angst #nct 127 angst #nct dream angst #i love mark lee #mark imagines #mark lee loml

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taetaespeaches · 4 years

Text

“Wait, I’m nervous.”

taehyung x reader (or oc) genre: fluff word count: 1.9K

a/n: Ok, lovelies, here is just pure wholesome fluff with Tae and Peaches. They are in their own little world again, of course, and they are just feeling real in love at this point lol. Very loosely based on ‘invisible string’ by taylor swift. I hope you all enjoy and thanks for reading! :))

p.s. if you want the playlist Tae makes in this, here you are.

HIS hands were gorgeous as he dragged the pen across the page, etching lines to form an abstract piece straight from his vibrant mind to the drawing pad. The diner, one you were well acquainted with, was relatively empty, only a few other patrons besides you and your boyfriend as you awaited your best friends’ arrival.

Jimin and his girlfriend were unsurprisingly late, and as you waited, Taehyung suddenly stopped drawing, reaching for his phone that was attached to a set of earbuds from his pocket. Holding the left bud out to you, he positioned the right one into his ear.

“I made you a playlist,” he smiled softly, a tinge of bashfulness evident in his features. Your lips curving up happily, you eagerly put the earbud into place.

“Show me,” you told him in excitement, Taehyung chuckling as he started the first song, ‘Make Out in My Car’ by Moses Sumney and Sufjan Stevens. Your boyfriend leaned over to you, leaving a sweet kiss to your shoulder before sitting back upright, returning to the drawing pad.

As you took in the lyrics, Taehyung continued sketching the simple but interesting image, you watching ever stroke of the ink. The lyrics entering your mind reminded you of the shift in yours and Taehyung’s relationship, as you skirted the lines of friendship and romance, fighting yourselves, trying not to fall in love with each other despite desperately wanting to love one another fully.

I’m not trying to go to bed with you

I just wanna make out in my car

And though I’m dying to fall in love with you

I just wanna make out in my car.

Despite the public setting, as you sat with your boyfriend listening to the music only you two could hear, it felt as though you and Taehyung were sitting in a moment of time separate from reality, isolated from the other patrons and kitchen staff. A space that was made for you.

When Taehyung entered your life, he came unannounced, all his youthful vibrancy interrupting your daily routine and changing everything forever. He was eccentric, radiating an array of colors that everyone saw, and you fell in love with them easily. If someone were to ask you what your favorite color was, you’d reply with whatever color is shining from him today. The inner-child within Taehyung inspired you, reminding you of the little girl inside yourself.

As the days turned into weeks, building up to months and accumulating into years, Taehyung was still by your side. You’d watched each other grow up, make mistakes, achieve goals. It’s not that Taehyung completed you, or you him, but life, within your little world, just seemed a little less worth living without him in it.

The song ending, Frank Ocean’s version of ‘Moon River’ started playing, you resting your head on Tae’s shoulder as you allowed the music to penetrate your heart.

My dream maker, my heartbreaker

Wherever you’re goin’, I’m goin’ the same.

How true that was. The man beside you was the one person who could both make your dreams come true, but held all the power to shatter your heart, but regardless, you were going with him wherever he went.

The song had a slow fade out, providing a nice transition into the next tune, ‘Early’ by Joy Crookes and Jafaris. The lyrics portrayed a relationship that is either doomed or is meant to be and meant to last. Much like how you and Taehyung viewed your relationship. The fear of failing as a unit plagued you for years until you and Taehyung mutually decided to take the risk.

I’m crossing borders of this friendship

You’re turning water into wine

I can’t believe it

Because, what if it works? You recalled asking him that very questioning, both of you choosing to throw caution into the wind, telling yourselves you were destined. You were either going to last forever, or it was going to crumble in front of your eyes, and you were both still aware of the risk that came with giving into your feelings. But you both decided it was worth the risk. He was worth it.

My ride or die

And I cross my heart

This is where we start when you walk my way

Left the baggage on the floor

You want us and we want more

Don’t you know I open door when you walk my way?

Lifting your head from Taehyung’s shoulder, his eyes drifted from the sketch to you, you smiling softly, matching his fond grin. “Is it ok?” He asked.

“The drawing or the playlist?” You asked, bringing your hand to his face to stroke his cheek with your knuckles.

“Uh,” he looked at the drawing for a split second before lifting his eyes to you again. “Both.”

“Both are great, baby,” you complimented. “You know what you’re doing,” you grinned, Taehyung chuckling.

“With the playlist?” He asked knowingly, both of you understanding the storyline of the songs he chose. You nodded, leaning toward Taehyung, the man dropping his head to gently rest his forehead against yours. “I can’t believe it,” he sang along with the song, moving his head a little bit to go along with the groove, you giggling at the cute action.

“Out of all the places I could have been that day,” you commented, Taehyung’s eyebrows raising as he pulled back a bit to allow his eyes to travel your face. “We could have so easily missed each other.”

“That’s crazy to think about,” he let out a breathy chuckle, his eyes falling to your hand that was resting atop his thigh. “I mean, I guess everyone we come across happens by chance, but not everyone ends up meaning so much,” he noted thoughtfully, you smiling at the comment.

As the song came to an end, Bruno Major’s ‘Easily’ starting, Taehyung wrapped his hand gently around your wrist. “If either of us had been walking by there just a few minutes, or maybe even seconds later or earlier, we would have missed each other completely,” your boyfriend realized, setting your hand on the tabletop.

Coming and going

Inside out and back to front

Oh, tangled and messy

That’s how we’ve always been and we’ll always be

And that’s alright with me

Just because it won’t come easily

Doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try.

The song added to the story line, bringing you back to the fights and the jealousy, the falling out and ignoring each other, only to always end up back together. You couldn’t quit each other, and you didn’t want to. Taehyung was the easiest yet most complicated relationship you’d ever had, and he probably always would be.

Bringing the pen to your skin, you watched as Taehyung drew a little heart on the inner edge of your wrist. “You’re cute,” you smiled, Taehyung flashing you his stunning boxy beam. The smile you’d never tire of seeing.

“Don’t look,” he told you as he prepared to add to his drawing. “I mean it,” he smiled wider, you mimicking the expression as you covered your eyes with your free hand.

Anticipating the touch of the pen against your skin, you spread your fingers apart, finding a glaring Taehyung staring at you through the slits between your digits.

“No peeking,” he whined with a giggle, you chuckling as you apologized.

“Ok, I’m sorry, I won’t peek, do your thing,” you told him recovering your eyes.

“I knew you’d do that,” he complained as the pen touched your wrist, moving over your veins.

“I promise I won’t again,” you giggled, Tae letting out a huff of feigned frustration. When ‘Easily’ ended, Ella Fitzgerald’s voice soothed through the earbud, singing ‘In A Sentimental Mood’. Your lips formed into a soft smile at the song, swaying your body gently as Taehyung completed his work on your arm.

“You can look now,” he told you, you tentatively pulling your hand from your face, looking into Tae’s warm brown orbs.

“Yeah?” You asked, not wanting to jump the gun and ruin his surprise. The man immediately turned your hand over so your wrist was against the table, you frowning at him.

“Wait,” he smiled bashfully, “I’m nervous.”

“Nervous?” You asked in surprise, smiling at him. “Why? What did you draw on me?”

Taehyung giggled cutely, his eyes shaped in crescents, his smile wide and boyish, the man looking adorable as ever. “Nothing,” he said with the innocence only your boyfriend could convey.

“Why are you nervous, Dearest?” You asked again, nearly cooing at how cute he was. Just as you were preparing to turn your wrist over, a knock on the outside of the window next to your booth startled you both, you and Taehyung jumping as your eyes darted to the noise, spotting your best friend standing with Jimin as they waved dorkily at you.

“Jesus,” you huffed, clutching your racing heart, Taehyung immediately letting out a noise of complaint. “I forgot they were even coming,” you commented, Tae letting out a low chuckle at the comment.

The surprise intrusion made you forget the ink on your wrist for a moment until you re-registered the song humming in your ear.

Rose petals seem to fall

It’s all I could dream to call you mine

My heart’s a lighter thing

Since you made this night a thing divine

The lyrics resonated so deeply with how you felt toward Taehyung, you found yourself rotating your arm to view the addition on your wrist, the air leaving your lungs for a moment as your heart skipped a beat, then pounding several times quickly to catch up.

Next to the heart he drew were the words, I’m in love with you.

Taehyung’s lips appeared near your ear, their soft plumpness just barely grazing your skin. “It’s true, Peaches,” he told you, making you turn to face him as Ella Fitzgerald continued to sing to you both, the song coming to a close.

In a sentimental mood

I’m within a world so heavenly

For I never dreamt that you’d

Be loving sentimental me.

Leaning toward Taehyung, you kissed him with intent and passion and love. So much love. It wasn’t the first time he had told you he loved you, or you him, but it was the first I’m in love with you, and it was definitely the first since the terms of your relationship had changed. You were both very careful in skirting around the word “love” since you crossed the line of friendship.

Your hands were on both sides of his face, his gripping your wrists as his thumb brushed over the confession he scribbled on your skin.

“I’m in love with you,” you mumbled against his lips. “I’m so in love with you,” you told him again before falling back into the kiss, though Tae’s widening smile, which caused you to smile, made the kiss a bit harder to maintain.

“Jeez, you two, we’re in a public restaurant,” your friend suddenly spoke as she scooted into the booth, Jimin following behind her. Separating from Tae, you rested the top of your head against his chin, your boyfriend wrapping his arms around your body, holding you to him as he placed a kiss to your hair.

“Whatever, we’re in love,” Taehyung dismissed the girl, Jimin smiling widely at the scene.

In love. You were. And you couldn’t help but be beyond thankful that you decided to take the leap of faith with Taehyung. Because in that moment, it was absolutely the right decision. You were meant to find Tae, and love him with all of you. Your paths weren’t simply meant to cross. They were meant to meet and become one. You had no doubts. And you were in love.

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rendezvousrenjun · 4 years

Text

our playlist. | j.jaehyun

✩ In which each song represents each pivotal moment in your relationship with Jung Jaehyun. ✩ romance + angst | 6.2k words | beware! some cussing :(

Jaehyun loved to learn more about the world. The dork inside him always questioned the most mundane things; Where do phobias come from? What would happen if there were no moon? Can you ever stop loving someone? Being an idol, there were multiple times he missed the regular everyday hobbies he used to partake in. Nonetheless, hands on experience and opportunities given to him by his company would always be something he would be grateful for. His dream would always be first priority, everything else could follow after.

His company encouraged him to film another “Daily Jaehyun” vlog (although he’d prefer to call them “Yuno Time”) for the holiday season as a gift for all the nctzens. He always enjoyed taking his time filming them, as it basically meant being able to relax and spend some time on himself-- besides the fact that there was a camera or two.

He had asked Johnny what would be interesting enough to film; Johnny responding with “they’d be happy with anything you do.”

And yes, sure, they probably would -- but Jaehyun wanted this to be special. Something special he could do. Not even for himself but for others. It was the season of giving after-all. A couple hours of listening to music and pondering on his bed later, he decided he wanted to vlog himself volunteering to encourage the nctzens to do so too.

That’s when he met you.

⌜ OUTTA MY MIND - Monsune ⌟

It was right before the sun started to set when you receive a call from SM entertainment. They ask for permission to film at the nursing home you worked at, which caught you off guard. You were in the midst of organizing the files of care home patients -- and no one really calls around this time -- so you ended up jotting down all the information on a folder. To say you were surprised that such a well known company wanted to stop over at this specific care home would be an understatement; but you made sure to relay the message to your manager as well as the rest of the staff members.

Suddenly the tan dry walls seemed to be splattered with a different type of sunlight -- the transition from day to dusk blanketing over you and your colleagues’ excitement.

The frost on your car window was still intact early in the morning when you show up to work. Funnily enough, everyone else had arrived as early as you. The day began as it always does -- checking stats and arranging breakfast for your designated patients. You hear your manager greet two people about two hours in. They set up cameras in the main halls and public spaces in order to capture all the action without disturbing the elderly.

Unfortunately it still caused pandemonium, and one certain patient was particular in expressing their unsettling feelings about this.

“What’s happening? You think being here is some type of sick joke?” He spits out in disdain. “What’s with all these cameras, huh? Gonna capture us in wheelchairs and pissing ourselves?”

You begin to feel guilty. But considering that there wasn't anything you could do now, hearing your manager discuss that some van would be here any time now, you lower yourself to the upset patient.

“You know what they say,” your eyes stare into his with utmost sincerity, taking both of his hands in yours as you crouch to make sure you weren’t talking down to him, “the more the merrier. I’m sorry to put you in such an uncomfortable situation sir, tell me anything you need and I’ll be sure to take care of it right away -- really anything -- it’s just that this publicity could really help this clinic, you know? And -- I really want to raise the donations this year to fund your guys’ equipment -- this could be the perfect opportunity, so what’dya say? Just for today let’s bare with the cameras, hmm?” You rub your thumbs over his palms to calm him down a bit more.

You don’t even realize Jaehyun had already walked in and started vlogging his greeting of your other colleagues because you’re so focused on the smile the grumpy old man genuinely gave you now.

“Ooh, baby, let me get you into my life

Ooh, baby, I can't let you out of my sight”

As cheesy as it sounds, Jaehyun was completely enamored by you the moment he laid eyes on you. The way you were comforting the old man, the way you spoke with such hope towards him, the way your entire presence seemed so gentle; maybe he just caught you at the right moment but you immediately made him feel some type of way.

His camera is still focused on his face, and it captures the way he melts in adoration over you, dimples and all.

Your mind totally blanks out when you look up at him smiling like that and at you.

“Hey, nice to meet you both. I’m Jaehyun, um-” he bites his lip to stop himself from smiling as wide when you reciprocate one back at him, “what could I do to help?”

You end up being Jaehyun’s guide the entire time, not like you didn’t mind. Because you did not mind AT ALL. He just follows everything you do, listening to your instructions intently, trying his best; something you found admirable.

On the inside, Jaehyun is absolutely dorking out at the way you passionately explain things to him, all the procedures and what most volunteers do. He stares at your mouth and the way you form words, or when you scrunch up your nose when he says something jokingly. He almost forgets that he’s volunteering because he’s having so much fun working with you. Oh? Organizing files? Piece of cake. Preparing adult diapers? No problemo. Checking medication schedules? Sure! Speaking to the elderly about taking their insulin shots? Okie dokie.

You notice that he’s staring sometimes, thinking he ain’t that slick, and when you do catch him his cheeks flush a bright pink and he clumsily swings his head back to fight back his embarrassment. You enjoy how he’s taking what you’re doing seriously; he even nods at your tangents about the importance of taking care of oneself, or the proper way to track your sugar levels.

Which Jaehyun then realizes he’s been neglecting his camera and points at it to declare, “you hear that nctzens? Take care of yourselves and others around you, okay??”

You end up facepalming with both hands to resist secondhand embarrassment.

You don’t notice the day pass by so quickly, in fact none of the people at the nursing home did. Jaehyun’s appearance filled them with joy; one of the grandmas even remarked that Jaehyun’s handsome face extended her lifeline -- which caused all the residents to burst out laughing. When the cameras are put away and shut off, you’re upset that such a great day is over. Jaehyun says goodbye to you last, as you send him off from the entrance.

He skips about five steps down the pavement before he hesitates taking the next. You watch him turn around and take long strides towards you by the door.

“Don't even know you

But I can't get you outta my mind”

“Hey..” he breathes out in a polite chuckle.

“Hey…..”

“So uh, I know I kinda asked you a bunch of questions about you earlier and I hope I wasn’t intruding your privacy--”

“You weren’t!” you cover your mouth with your hand since you’re surprised at how fast you cut him off, “I mean, you really weren’t, it was nice.”

“Um, well, I forgot to ask about something else.” he starts biting the inside of his cheek to fight his own nerves. “But may I have your number, y/n?”

“I've been waiting for the right time

To let u know that i've been looking for you all of my life”

⌜ you are luhh - cover by Frank Ocean ⌟

Jaehyun really wanted to take you someplace nice for your first date but options were, unfortunately, extremely limited.

In a way, there were multiple restraints to taking you out properly. He wanted to pick you up, but he didn’t own a car. He wanted to bring you some place where he could show you off, but instead he had to find somewhere with as little foot traffic as possible. He was also apologetic about the fact he asked you to come out after your shift and at night when it was dangerous.

It was around eleven at night when Jaehyun had asked if you guys could meet up at a downtown music shop on the outskirts of town. You have never heard of this particular one before, as it seemed to be an individual-owned business.

Entering the shop, hair a bit messy from getting off work, clothes smelling a tad like hand sanitizer-- you are greeted by the soft music playing inside the shop. There was certainly a retro-ambiance that glowed from within: orange light bulbs hanging from the ceiling, little key-chains on a rack, a jukebox stored at the back of the shop, and vanilla scented candles looming over a couple of the vinyl shelves.

Jaehyun watches the way you make your way over to him in the back. The atmosphere adding to your appearance makes him breathe out a soft “wow”.

“Sorry we couldn’t meet up earlier.”

“Jaehyun I’m just glad you wanted to meet me at all.”

His eyes smile at you as his grin spreads across his cheeks. You restrain yourself from pinching them.

“I love this place, it’s like a new little world.” Your eyes move around the room as you talk, walking over to see some of the CDs.

“Right? Honestly I can’t believe it hasn't blown up yet since the owner is such a cool dude too.” He follows you over to the CDs where you excitedly point out your favorites.

You guys naturally get along well, enjoying each others’ company without much thought. It was such a relaxed environment, all the nerves from the start were replaced with wholesome butterflies. The way Jaehyun talked about music was so endearing to you. He was so passionate about his work that it made you respect him even more than you thought possible.

“Oh!” Jaehyun interrupts himself to pull out two matching keychains with tiny vinyls on them, “look what I bought for us! Sorry if you think it’s a little much-”

“AHHH I love them! They’re so cute! Were they handmade? And there's one for each of us…” You pout at how cute the gesture is, genuinely touched.

Jaehyun took note of your expression, saving it in his mind.

“So many things have taken place before this love affair began

But if you feel more like I feel

Confusion can give way to doubt”

Maybe it's delirium from lack of sleep, or the fact it was one am, but Jaehyun really wanted to dance with you. Although he hesitates at first, his impulsiveness takes the best of him and he pops the question.

You listen to the slow rhythm of the song, and move your head to nod “yes” to the beat.

“Tell me what it is

What it is, no need to make believe

Look beyond your world

Try to find, find a place for me”

It was supposed to be awkward but why did you feel like you were about to fall asleep in his arms? You were supposed to be embarrassed for basically embracing as you guys slow dance to the beat in this empty music shop, but you weren’t. You were comfortable. And Jaehyun really liked this feeling.

It was ironic. He was unsettled because he was comfortable with you: your scent, your arms around his neck, his around your waist, your warmth. He plucks up the courage to whisper the question you both have been anticipating into your ear,

“Do you think we could officially be together?”

You don’t move from your position in his arms, his mouth slightly grazing the side of your ear. You take a few seconds to think and he respects the time you take.

“I think we’re going too fast.”

His body stops swaying to the song playing so he could pull apart from you and see your face.

“I don't want this moment to get lost.” He takes hold of your arms, squeezing them gently, then making eye contact with you again. “I know we’re going too fast--” he bites the inside of his cheek, “but I don’t know when the last time I felt this way was, or if I’m ever going to feel this way again.”

You stare at him. He’s so straightforward it makes the butterflies in your stomach go crazy.

“--and being an idol and all--” he pauses to collect his thoughts, “it’s so hard to maintain relationships out of the industry you know? But y/n,” his tone lowers, “I’d understand if you wouldn’t want to get into a relationship with me. Because I’m telling you now, it’s hard. It will be hard. And I sound like a crazy person right now because we’ve only gone on one date but I really really like you.”

You burst out laughing because the butterflies in your stomach wanted to escape so badly, and there was tension building in your lungs. Jaehyun lets go of your arms, flustered by your reaction.

You take his palms again and interlace his fingers with your own.

“Jaehyun I like you too. Although I’m a bit hesitant, I really like you.”

“I’ll try my best y/n, I promise.”

“Cuz when you're at your best you are love

You're a positive motivating force within my life

Should you ever feel the need to wonder why

Let me know, let me know”

⌜ --star. - Nadin Amizah⌟

The first time you entered Jaehyun’s dorm you expected it to be extremely chaotic. But then again, you really didn’t know much apart from what the members had posted online on their daily channel.

It was like any other dorm. It wasn’t exactly messy, but it wasn’t spotless either. It just seemed like the next run-of-the-mill shared apartment complex where people lived. It did, however, have a distinct smell. Coffee? Men’s deodorant? A slight hint of fabric softener -- or was that the soup that was boiling on the stove? It was heavy mix.

Your first instinct was to go to the kitchen as Jaehyun was locking the door. An auntie was stirring the soup and was quite startled at your appearance.

“I’m so sorry! I couldn’t help but come over because it smelled so good…” The auntie, followed by Jaehyun, started laughing at your charm.

“Auntie this is y/n.”

“I’m Jaehyun’s friend, nice to meet you.”

“Girlfriend actually--”

You look up at Jaehyun in surprise, the word actually leaving his mouth for the first time. Taeil walks into the kitchen at the sound of the word as well and greets you happily.

“See I told you not to worry about the members.” Jaehyun whispers as you two make your way towards his bedroom. Once you’re inside, you sit at the edge of his barely made bed and lean over towards his piano to play a single note.

“You want me to play you something?”

“You sure? You don’t have to, we could just chill now.”

Jaehyun grabs some of the red wine in his little refrigerator and hands it over to you, then sits at the keyboard to brush over the keys.

“Lend me your palm

I have brought you a star

As bright as who you are

But not enough as lovely as what you are”

Listening to Jaehyun play so effortlessly, the way his fingers glide and shift between keys while concentrating on the sheet music made you realize how he shined as an artist. You’ve always known he was talented (guiltily listening to all his covers on Youtube at least ten times on repeat), but you are always hypnotized whenever you see it live. His voice mixing into the melody was so fucking beautiful it made you emotional. He was just so fucking beautiful.

“WHY ARE YOU CRYING??!!” He abruptly stops playing to twirl his chair over to you who’s currently bawling after finishing about half a bottle of wine. He takes your face in his palms, wiping your tears with his sweater, concern evident in the crinkles of his forehead.

“Jaehyun… you, you….you’re a star! Just so talented! I can’t handle it!” You look him dead in the eyes with tears springing up again at this drunken confession.

He’s overwhelmed with your red cheeks and the passion you have to continuously proclaim how amazing his voice is. It really means so much to him hearing this from you. He keeps staring at your mouth babble on about how he deserves recognition -- the entire world even -- and he can’t help but melt.

“Whisper me a kiss

You can draw me your dreams

It’s safe inside this tiny house

Where we both understand of who we are”

“Can I kiss you?” He asks and you stop talking just to gasp.

“dUH you beautiful MAN!” You throw your arms around his neck sloppily and he smiles while he presses your lips together for the first time, tasting the wine from earlier. It’s sweet and soft and meaningful. Just like you.

You try to lean more into him but you end up almost falling over from the edge of the bed.

“I might have to return you to the sky tonight

But now it feels like you make everything alright

I might have never told you but with you

Feel like everything is right”

⌜ Thank You - JUNNY⌟

It’s been exactly one year since Jaehyun and you have been dating. Surprisingly no one has caught you guys yet, other than your closest, most trusted friends, and of course, the NCT members. Unfortunately, your boyfriend was doing promotions for their new comeback all day today. You were extremely proud of him and really happy that he was living out his dream, it was just a tad tiny bit disappointing you couldn’t make it to any of stages since you were at work all day as well.

Not seeing each other in person was something you both had to get used to. It was difficult when both of you wanted to be comforted, or do things together. But for the past year you guys have been staying strong for so long, it was just the normal in your relationship. It often led to multiple miscommunications here and there, but in general, you two were going steady.

You had sent Jaehyun a happy anniversary paragraph the moment you wake up, excited despite knowing well enough you weren’t going to see him today.

↬ Baby! Good morning! I hope your promotions do really really well! You’re going to do so well today. Know I am always proud of you, my precious star. I can’t believe it’s already been a year together. I hope it turns into two years, or five, or maybe… fifty? AHAHAH I miss you! Stay Healthy! Happy Anniversary. I love you.

You constantly checked your phone throughout the day to see if he replied to the message, but he didn’t.

Even when the television in the nursing home switched to a music network where Jaehyun was performing you wondered if he didn’t even have time to send a quick text while he was getting ready throughout the day.

You knew you shouldn’t complain. He was busy. You were busy. But busy enough to not even greet you? Wasn’t that a bit much?

Nevertheless it puts you in a bad mood for the rest of the day, all the way to the car drive home, and all the way to your bed. You check your phone one last time right before twelve am strikes, and decide to sleep it off.

The next morning you wake up to your phone ringing continuously at around three am.

↬ 14 Missed Calls from ‘My Star’

↬ 25 Text Messages from ‘My Star’

↬ Incoming Video Call: ‘My Star’

You press accept, rubbing the sleep from your eyes to try to adjust to the bright light of your phone in the pitch black of your bedroom.

“I just wanted you to know

For you I have my gratitude

and so much more

Every one of your messages

I be reading inside”

“Y/n….” Jaehyun was sobbing on video call and you were genuinely confused for the first minute or so because your body hasn’t adjusted to what was happening yet. “I’m so sorry for not replying--” he starts sobbing again, “you must’ve been so sad oh my gosh….”

You straighten up so you could see Jaehyun’s face on camera and your heart drops at him feeling bad for not replying. “Jaehyun! Today was your comeback! You should be happy!”

“But I didn’t even reply y/n! I’m such a terrible boyfriend!”

“Hey…. shhh…. It’s okay. Well, to be honest I was pretty upset, but I know you didn’t mean to leave me hanging.”

“But I did! I even left you on read, oh my gosh I’m literally the worst.”

“Hey! Stop disrespecting yourself like that. You’re here now that’s what matters.”

Jaehyun sniffles and starts wiping his tears and begins to regulate his breathing again.

“I prepared a video to send you of me singing -- thank goodness I took it a couple days ago or else it would’ve sounded terrible now.”

“Oh really? Is it in our chat?”

“Yea I sent it on messages, basically I just wanted to tell you how much you mean to me. And that I’m so happy I met you by chance because I really wouldn’t know what I would do without you. Literally -- showed me another perspective on life and you are always supporting me. You’re so beautiful inside and out baby I-” he starts choking up again, “I love you.”

“I love you too Jaehyun. Now go to sleep! You must be so tired oh my goodness! How long were you calling me for?”

“Are you sure? We can stay up and talk about your day, it’s really okay.”

“No it’s not okay go to sleep babe, I can feel your sleepiness from here.”

“You know me too well. Goodnight mwah baby. Again, I’m really sorry and I miss you.”

“Mhmm.”

You ended up watching Jaehyun’s video singing you a song. He begins by saying how he thinks the lyrics really resonate with him, followed by Haechan and Johnny shouting behind him.

“I’ve been listening

to you from the start

Thank you for today

Tomorrow yesterday

Every day and night

I wanna thank you

for believing

I’ve been listening

to you all along

Put it to my faith

I just feel amazing

Every day and night

You make me feel alive

Thank you for your love”

Now it was your turn to bawl.

⌜ Mad - Ne-Yo⌟

No relationship is perfect. No matter how hard you and Jaehyun tried there was always some sort of barrier. Or some unspoken rule. At first you thought it was the lack of time both of you had for each other these days.

You, being busy taking care of the residents in the care home. Jaehyun, busy preparing for his world tour.

“Oh baby this love ain't gonna be perfect, oh no (perfect, perfect, oh)

And just how good it's gonna be

We can fuss and we can fight

As long as everything's alright between us

Before we go to sleep”

At some point you realized you couldn’t rely on Jaehyun completely anymore.

You had just witnessed the old man who had grumpily refused to be caught on camera just over two years ago, pass away. This was the most difficult part about your line of work, and you really just wanted to be held and be told it was okay. However, when you showed up at Jaehyun’s dorm he was asleep on his bed after a long day of practice. You wanted to wake him up to talk to him about how hard it’s been for you lately -- and you did. You wanted to be selfish and talk about it because it’s something that’s been snatching your insides.

“We fight in this war, baby when both of us are losing, oh, whoa

(This ain't the way that love is supposed to go)

(What happened to working it out?)”

When he woke up he wasn’t too happy. Snapping crankily at you because he had a bad day at practice and that he was extremely tired. Initially, you were stunned. Was this really the Jaehyun who promised that he’d try his best? You wanted to be considerate, you really did. But eventually you start to feel like you were less important and less loved in comparison.

You questioned whether your problems were even valid enough to talk about with him. Ever since that day you questioned everything you said before telling him anything. Always the one supporting him. Always the one to lend a shoulder.

You two were stressed and tired all the time. You wanted to communicate with him, you really did, but the opportunity felt like it never came.

“Let’s break up.”

“What?”

Jaehyun was in the middle of his rants, the only thing he did when you two saw each other in person nowadays. You sat at the edge of his bed, the same place where he kissed you for the first time. Except this time instead of playing the piano he was playing with your heart.

“And now as I'm yelling over her, she yelling over me

All that that means is neither of us are listening”

“You never listen to me anymore. I’ve been trying to communicate with you but all you ever talk about is your fucking tour. Don’t get it twisted -- I’m proud of you. I’ve always have been. But what about me --” you finally snap. You can’t stop yourself from breaking down right there.

Jaehyun is silent. He doesn’t hold you. He’s in shock. Was this really how you felt? This whole time? He just let this happen to you?

“You’re not going to argue with me? Say anything?”

“I can’t argue with someone who's already made their decision. I told you that it was going to be hard, I thought you expected this? What happened to all the promises huh?”

“Oh? Promises? We’re talking about promises now? Where were you when I needed you most? When was the last time you comforted me for once? Huh Jung motherfucking Jaehyun?!”

Doyoung could hear the yelling from his bedroom and decided to check up on you guys to make sure nothing too bad was happening. When he interrupts you two arguing, you take this as an opportunity to get up and leave.

“Fine! Leave! I’m leaving tomorrow morning anyways! Have a good life y/n!” Jaehyun basically spits out of his mouth, ears red, venom pouring out through every word.

“But baby can we make up now

'Cause I can't sleep through the pain (can't sleep through the pain)”

None of you sleep that night.

⌜ Hearing Your Voice - Omar Apollo⌟

Seeing Jaehyun so at ease on national television, or just on promotional photos on Twitter or Instagram hurt you more than it should.

It’s been a month since you two broke up but it still feels fresh. You still loved Jaehyun. However, him not even messaging you once after your fight was absolutely ridiculous to you. What was he expecting? You running to him at the airport like in the movies? So what? You could apologize? There’s no way you were in the wrong though. It was just hard. Knowing he didn’t care enough to call.

Halfway around the world Jaehyun knew he fucked up bad. But he tried to ignore it. He wanted to enjoy being with international nctzens and exploring the world with his members. Everyday held something fun, although he had to admit he would zone out in some of the interviews, he really enjoyed his time out.

“I got time, what you expected?

Sleepless nights, felt disconnected”

It was when he got back to his hotel room every night where he realized how empty he felt at the end of the day.

He couldn’t sleep alone. Although, you never got to sleep with him often anyways. It was something he truly regretted -- not being in your company enough. It was too late now though. His competitiveness and pride got the best of him. He lost you and that was that. He didn’t make you happy anymore and you probably didn’t even think about him as much as he thought about you. Damn. Thinking about you like this. It was a lot.

“But that's not fair

You got everything I need

Used to call me constantly”

He misses you. Like crazy. So much he would even dream about what your voice sounded like, or what your hands felt like to hold, or all the times you were there for him. All the times you put in effort and went out of your way just to see him. Or the smile you would put on for him so he wouldn’t feel bad about forgetting something. He used to do that too. When did it go wrong?

“It don't make sense to me

But I'm fantasizing 'bout hearing your voice”

It doesn’t make sense. He should’ve been content with what he has, his dream was always a top priority, but why did it always felt like he was always forgetting something? No matter how many days passed, or how many sleepless nights went on, you were always lingering around him. Haunting his thoughts every second he was conscious -- even unconscious.

He saw you everywhere he went, hell, he couldn’t even look at stars without thinking of the way you called him your’s. He worried about you so much he thought he was going to die.

He wanted to hear from you again. Talk to you again. But he didn’t. He was too stubborn for his own good.

Despite all of this, you did not know. You were blinded by your own assumptions about how Jaehyun was probably out with somebody else.

The only time he heard of you was when Doyoung approached him asking him if he knew how you’ve been these past few months. In which Jaehyun could only bitterly laugh, obviously still hurt from hearing your name. But it was more self-harm than harm from you: he’s doing this to himself. Jaehyun recollected himself quickly though when he noticed Doyoung remaining stoic.

Doyoung puts his hand on top of Jaehyun’s knee and looks back up at him.

“Jaehyun. I know you are hurt right now, but y/n got in a car accident last night, and I think right now, more than ever, it’s time for you to swallow your big ass pride and just go to her. Stop playing the victim when we all know you were the one neglecting her in the first place.”

“I'm not confiding in

What's really here”

Everyone has a realization so powerful it basically breaks them at some point in their lives. A realization so daring to cross one’s mind. This was Jaehyun’s:

You were now his top priority.

⌜ Nothing - Jeremy Passion⌟

↬ Report: NCT Jaehyun leaves Worldwide Tour early for unspecified reasons.

“There's not much, not much the world can do

To keep me away from you

I am committed to make sure

These dreams we have come true”

You feel your body’s soreness the moment you wake up from your hospital bed. It was late at night, the humidifier and flowers next to your head, while the window that presented the night view was on the other. You feel something tickle your left hand, so you try to extend your neck to look.

At the edge of your bed, was Jaehyun. Your hand was clutched in his as his hair fell near the tips of your fingers. He was sound asleep, sitting in such an uncomfortable position. This was a dream, no way Jaehyun could be here right now.

But you move your fingers to feel the tuft of hair, and to your surprise, this was real. His eyes flutter open and he raises his head to look at you in person for the first time in months. You retract your hand agonizing slow in order to put yourself through any more pain, but Jaehyun gently clutches your palm again. He starts rubbing it against his cheek, and you choke up at his touch.

You didn’t want to melt so easily under his touch, but it all felt so familiar. He doesn’t break eye contact with you when you simply stare at him, expression unreadable. He moves your knuckles from his cheek to his lips, where he presses a warm kiss, warm tears falling in the process. He holds your hand with both of his as he silently sobs into it.

“Why are you here? I thought we both agreed we were broken up.” You try to steady your voice, but there was an underlying quiver to your tone. You do not have the strength to remove your hand.

Jaehyun grips your hand tighter, his breath exhaling “sorry” repeatedly over it. You can’t hold yourself back anymore.

“It’s like you never listened to me!” You yelp out between broken cries, “and it hurt to know that the person I thought I would’ve spent forever with just left me in the dust like that! Everyday I wondered, ‘no way he could’ve done that -- not my Jaehyun.’ But you did--”

He reaches over to hold onto your arm now, trying hard not to hurt you any further but wanting you closer to him.

“You know what? I spent all my life taking care of other people and I thought, maybe this just once you were going to take care of me.”

His sobbing gets increasingly louder, hearing those words fall out of you. He buries his head into your shoulder gently, your arm still lodged in between his chest and arms. It was an uncomfortable position, but he wanted to hold you. To hold you properly this time.

“Wait -- I just realized -- I’m upset with you right now but what about your tour?”

“Don’t care. I miss you. I’m sorry. Really sorry. Really sorry…” He keeps mumbling apologizes into your shoulder.

“Honey, we'll make it

Nothing can stop us, nothing can stop us now”

You cave in and peck him on the top of his head, “I’m not forgiving you right away okay? It’s going to take some time for us to heal and communicate properly this time.”

“But this time nothing is going to get in the way for how I feel about you.”

“How can you say that so surely?”

“Because I love you and I’d do anything to make you feel safe with me again.”

“I've been blessed with the privilege

Of loving you, babe”

⌜ Day 1 (Brooklyn Session) - HONNE⌟

“When I first met you, it just felt right

It's like I met a copy of myself that night

I don't believe in fate as such

But we were meant to be together that's my hunch”

You told Jaehyun that getting a white couch was going to be a bad idea but you guys ended up getting one anyways. Turns out, despite the stain-potential, the one he picked was so comfortable to the point you two often fell asleep on it.

You join Jaehyun on the couch as he flips through one of your photograph albums. Your arms sneaking around his torso to hug him from behind.

“I got lucky finding you

I won big the day that I came across you

'Cause when you're with me, I don't feel blue

Not a day goes by that I would not redo”

“You’re looking at our album?”

“Mhmm” Jaehyun hums back, eyes admiring the shared pictures you two have taken over the years.

“Oh you know what would be really good right now? If we listened to ‘our playlist’ so we could be extra nostalgic HAHA!”

“Should we?” Jaehyun flips to the next page, “man I still can’t believe you added the song that reminds us of our breakup on it…”

“Oh shhh… it’s a good song.” You get up to play the playlist on your guys’ home stereo. “If we didn’t break up that one time we wouldn’t have gotten this far yaknow?”

“You’re right baby.” He pulls you back to the couch to sit next to him, placing the album between the two of you.

“I still can’t believe you took a picture of that red wine bottle.”

“But that’s not any red wine bottle, y/n. That’s the first kiss red wine bottle.” He flashes his timeless dimple at you as the two of you fond over the memory.

“I could barely remember our first kiss.”

“I can kiss you now if you want?”

“what--”

Jaehyun wraps his right hand around the nape of your neck as the other one gingerly makes its way to your left cheek. He places his soft lips against yours, leaving the taste of his peach lip balm on you. There’s a cold sensation pressing into your skin, reminding you of the silver ring that matches yours placed on his ring finger.

“You'll always be my day one

Day zero when I was no one

I'm nothing by myself, you and no one else

Thankful you're my day one”

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for-your-therapeutic-smile · 4 years

Text

They Never Teach You How to Stop

Rarely do I lack the words to express myself. Perhaps this reflects my failure to maintain my journal consistently throughout 2020. Here goes an honest attempt to capture and document my mental state and the fatigue of Covid, the inertia of this shelter-in-place, the anxiety of this political crisis we face as a nation, the pressure of being a 1L in law school against the backdrop of civil unrest and Justice Ginsburg’s death, coming out - my dad told me he was disappointed -, the possible erosion of my relationship with someone I love, and this feeling of absolute dread and resentment for a system that continuously fails my and future generations (robbing us of a social contract that promised life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness), among many other things I’m too tired to consider. When did we accept a $0 baseline as the American Dream? Oh, to be debt free - free from this punishment for having pursued an education. Stifling the educated to prevent them (myself included) from organizing and mobilizing the masses so we can supplant this system with a better one is the overall objective of the oppressive class (read: Pedagogy of the Oppressed); it’s the conflict between the bourgeois and the proletariat. The proletariat has swallowed the middle class, leaving only the ruling class. I am essentially on autopilot, forcing myself to go through the motions so I can survive another day. I know others join me in this mental gymnastics of unparalleled proportions, one social scientists and medical researchers will soon study and subsequently publish their findings in an attempt to explain the unexplainable. Despite a lack of air circulation, we are breathing history; the constitution, like our societal norms, must adapt accordingly. Judge Barrett: there is no place for originalism. While I seldom admit weakness or an inability to manage life’s curveballs, this series of unfortunate events seems almost too much to bear.

And yet somehow I continue to find the energy to submit assignments due at 11:59 p.m., write this post at 1:38 a.m., “sleep”, wake at 7 a.m. so I can read and prepare (last minute!) the assigned material leading into my torts or contracts class. I find the energy to text my boyfriend (or ex-boyfriend) so I can attempt to salvage the real and genuine connection we have, cook elaborate meals to find some solace, wrestle with whether or not to hit my yoga mat (I don’t), apply to a fellowship for the school year and summer internships, prepare my dual citizenship paperwork, manage a campaign for two progressive politicians, and listen to music in an attempt to stay sane . . . ~*Queues John Mayer’s “War of My Life” and “Stop This Train”*~ . . . I realize I have to be kinder to myself, give credit where credit is due. I hate feeling self-congratulatory though.

Mostly, I am too afraid of the repercussions if I stop moving at a mile/minute, that I can just work away the pain and be the superhuman who numbs himself from the low-grade depression and nervous breakdown. My body tells me to slow down, as evidenced by the grinding of my teeth, but I take on more responsibility because people rely on me. I must show up. I am a masochist in that way. This is what I signed up for and I’ll be damned if I don’t carry through on my promise to do the work. Pieces of my soul scattered about like Horcruxes, though they’re pure, not evil, so I hope nobody resolves to destroy them.

My mind rarely rests. It’s 3:08 a.m., one of the lonelier hours where night meets morning; it’s the hour for and of intense introspection. It makes you consider pulling an all-nighter, one you reserve for an “important” school or work deadline. We always put our personal lives on the back-burner. 3 a.m. sets the tone for a potentially awful day. But that doesn’t matter right now. I’m letting some of my favorite albums play in the background: Joni Mitchell’s Blue, Mac Miller’s Circles, Rhye’s Blood, Alicia Keys’ ALICIA, Coldplay’s Ghost Stories, Frank Ocean’s Blonde, Miley Cyrus’ Dead Petz in addition to other playlists, Tiny Desk performances, and tracks (I unearthed last week, like When It’s Over by Sugar Ray). I need to feel something. I need to feel anything. I need to feel everything. We experience such a broad spectrum of emotions throughout the day that we lose track of if we don’t pause to absorb them. Music reinforces empathy; it releases dopamine.

I spent the past two hours reading through old journals and posts, as scattered as they were, on a wide range of topics: poems I had written about falling in and out love, anecdotes about my world travels, and entries on personal, political, and professional epiphanies. The other night I found one of my favorites, a previous post from my time living in Indonesia, centering on the dualities of technology. It resonated with me more than the others. To summarize, I wrote about my tendency to equate the Internet with a sense of interconnectedness (shoutout to Tumblr for being my digital journal; to Twitter for being a place of comedy and revolution; to Instagram for curating my *aesthetic*; to Facebook where I track my family’s accomplishments and connect with travel buddies displaced around the globe all searching for a home). And yet I feel incredibly lonely and disconnected whenever I spend too much time using technology, so much so that I set screen time limitations on my phone recently to curtail this obsession with constant communication and information gathering. Trump and Biden admitted that it’s unlikely we’ll know the results of the election on November 3rd during their first presidential debate. Push notifications don’t allow us to learn of trauma within the comforts of our own homes. I’m already fearing where I will be when that news breaks.

This global pandemic and indefinite shutdown of the world (economy) undeniably exacerbates these feelings. This is some personal and collective turmoil. But I was complicit in the endless scrolling and swiping of faces and places long before Covid-19. Instead of choosing to interact with my direct environment (today’s research links this behavior to the same levels of depression one feels when they play slot machines), I am still an active on all these platforms, participating the least in the most tangible one: my physical life. I am tired of pretending. I am tired of being tired. I am tired of embodying fake energy to exist in systems that fail me. I am tired of the quagmire. Like Anaïs Nin, I must be a mermaid [because] I have no fear of depths and a great fear of shallow living. This particular excerpt from that 2016 entry was difficult for me to read: “The fantasy of what could have been if a certain plan had unfolded will haunt you forever if you do not come to peace with the reality of the situation. I hope you come to terms with reality.” I am not at peace with my current reality. But is anyone?

It’s a bit surreal for my peers to have suddenly started caring about international relations theory. It’s transported me back to my 2012 IR lecture at Northeastern: are you a constructivist or a feminist? Realist or liberalist? Neo? Marxist? The one no one wants you to talk about. Absent upward mobility, this is class warfare. But I cannot be “a singular expression of myself . . . there are too many parts, too many spaces, too many manifestations, too many lines, too many curves, too many troubles, too many journeys, too many mountains, too many rivers” . . . It feels like America’s wake-up call. But I know people will retreat into the comforts of capitalism if Biden wins and, well, we all enter uncharted waters together if the Electoral College re-elects #45. For those who weren’t paying attention: the world is multipolar and we are not the hegemon. Norms matter. People tend to be self-interested and shortsighted. Look to the past in order to understand the future. History, as the old adage goes, repeats itself. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Taxation without representation. Indoctrination. Welcome to the language of political discourse. Students of IR and polisci have long awaited your participation. Too little too late? Plot twist: it’s a lifelong commitment. You must continue to engage irrespective of the election outcome or else we will regress just as quickly as we progress. Now dive into international human rights treaties (International Covenant on Civil & Political Rights; International Covenant on Economic, Social, and Cultural Rights), political refugees, FGM. No one said it wasn’t dismal. But it’s important. We need buy-in.

While I am grateful for the continuation of my education, for this extended time with family, for this opportunity to be a campaign manager for two local progressive candidates (driving to Boston to pick up revised yard signs as proof that the work never stops), it would be remiss of me, however, not to admit that I am lonely: I am buried in my books, in the depressing news both nationally and globally, and in precedent-setting Supreme Court cases (sometimes for the worst, e.g. against the preservation of our environment). In my nonexistent free time I work on political asylum cases, essentially creating an enforceability framework of international law, for people fleeing country conditions so unthinkable (the irony of that work when my country falls greater into authoritarianism and oligarchy is not lost on me). I am fulfilling my dream of becoming a human rights lawyer which stems back to middle school. I saw Things I Imagined (thank you Solange). I have held an original copy of the Declaration of Independence that we sent to the House of Lords in 1778 and the Human Rights Act of 1998 while visiting the U.K. Parliamentary Archives as an intern for a Member of Parliament. This success terrifies and exhausts me; it also oxygenizes and saves me. Every decision, every sacrifice, has led me to this point.

“It’s the choosing that’s important, isn’t it?,” Lois Lowry of The Giver rhetorically asks. This post is not intended to be woe is me! I am fortunate to be in this position, to have this vantage point at such an early age, and I understand the whole is greater than the sum of the parts. My life has purpose. I am committed to the work that transcends boundaries; it is larger than life itself. It provides a unique perspective. But it makes it difficult to coexist with people so preoccupied in the drama they create in their lives and the general shallowness of the world we live. It feels like there is no option to pump the brakes on any of this work, especially in light of our current climate, and that pressure oftentimes feels insurmountable. Time is of the essence. It feels, whether true or not, that hardly anyone relates to my experience, so if I don’t carve out this time to write about it, then I am neither recording nor processing it.

Tonight, in between preparing tomorrow’s coursework, I realize that I have an unprecedented number of questions about life, which startles me because typically I have the answers or at least have a goal in mind that launches me into the next phase of life or contextualizes the current one. These goals, often rooted in this capitalistic framework, in this falsity of “needing” to advance my career as a means of helping people, distract me from asking myself the existential questions, the reasons for why we live and what we fundamentally want our systems to look like; they have distracted me from real grassroots community organizing until now. They distract me from the fact that, like John Mayer, I don’t know which walls to smash; similarly, I don’t know which train to board. Right now feels like we are living through impossible and hopeless times and I don’t want to placate myself into thinking otherwise despite my relatively optimistic outlook on life. As we face catastrophic circumstances – the consequences of this election and climate change (famine, refugees, lack of resources) – I do not want to live in perpetual sadness. I am searching for clarity and direction so I can step into a better, fuller version of myself.

It’s now 3:33 a.m. Here is the list of questions that I have often asked myself in different stages of life, but recently, until now, I have not been willing to confront for fear that I might not be able to answers them. But I owe it to myself to pose them here so I can have the overdue conversation, the one I know leads me to better understanding myself:

Are you happy? Why or why not?

What do you want the future to hold? What groundwork are you going to do to ensure it happens?

What does your ideal day/week/month/year/decade look like? Why?

With whom do you want to spend your days? Why?

Who do you love and care about? Have you told people you care about that you love them? Does love and vulnerability scare you?

What do you expect of people – of yourself, of your partner, of your family, and of your friends? Should you have those expectations? Why or why not?

What do you feel and why?

What relaxes you? What scares you? What brings you joy?

What do you want to improve? Why?

What do you want to forgive yourself for and why?

Does the desire to reinvent yourself diminish your ability to be present?

Do you have a greater fear of failure or success? Why?

How do you escape the confines of this broken system? How do you break from the guilt of participation in it and having benefited from it?

How do we reconcile our daily lives with the fact that we’re living through an extinction event? This one comes from my friend (hi Jeanne) and a podcast she listened to recently.

How do you help people? How do you help yourself? Are you pouring from an empty cup?

How will you find joy in your everyday responsibilities, in the mission you have chosen for yourself? What, if any, will be the warning signs to walk away from this work, in part or in its entirety? Without being a martyr, do you believe in dying for the cause?

So here are some of the lessons I have learned during this quarantine/past year:

“I’ve Got Dreams to Remember,” so do not take your eyes off them. Chasing paper does not bring you happiness.

Be autonomous, particularly in your professional life.

Focus on values instead of accolades.

Do everything with intention and honest energy.

Listen to Tracy Chapman’s “Crossroads” & Talkin’ Bout a Revolution for an energy boost and reminder that other revolutionaries have shared and continue to share your fervent passion . . . “I’m trying to protect what I keep inside, all the reasons why I live my life” . . . When self-doubt nearly cripples you and you yearn a few minutes to run away when in reality you can’t escape your responsibilities, go for a drive and queue up “Fast Car” . . . “I got no plans, I ain’t going nowhere, so take your fast car and keep on driving.”

With that said, take every opportunity to travel (you can take the work with you if absolutely necessary). Go to Italy. Buy the concert ticket and lose yourself in the moment. Remember that solo excursions are equally as important as collective ones. But, from personal experience, you prefer the company. Find the balance.

Detach from the numbers people keep trying to assign to measure your personhood.

Closely examine the people in your inner circle and ask them for help when you need it.

“And life is just too short to keep playing the game . . . because if you really want somebody [or something], you’ll figure it out later, or else you will just spend the rest of the night with a BlackBerry on your chest hoping it goes *vibration, vibration*” (John Mayer’s Edge of Desire) . . . so love fiercely and unapologetically.

Be specific.

Go to therapy even when life is good.

#reflection #covid #quarantine #late nights #music #revolution #diary #politics #john mayer #alicia keys #tracy chapman #love #dear diary #travel #writing #personal #mental health

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heartcravings · 5 years

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50 Questions Tag!

@jongin-be-my-jagi tagged me for this a while ago, but I took my sweet time to answer. Here is my secret intel if you want to know me a little bit more!! Check hers as well, she’s an amazing writer and friend. 1. What takes up too much of your time? Tumblr, my stupid procrastination prone brain and my thesis.

2. What makes your day better? Friends and loved ones, music and these absolute dorks (Channie especially)

3. What’s the best thing that happened to you today? I hopped on the mat today in the early hours of the morning, rain on my window and the neighbours cat peeking at me from his window across the street.

4. What fictional place would you like to go to? Wonderland, bacause it’s “curiouser and curiouser!”

'Who are you?' said the Caterpillar. Alice replied, rather shyly, 'I — I hardly know, sir, just at present — at least I know who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then.'

5. Are you good at giving advice? I think so. Not so good at following my own advice though. I do always consider where the other is standing and if I don’t know how to proceed then I’ll just be honest and say I can’t help. But i’ll always listen with my heart.

6. Do you have any mental illnesses? Not diagnosed. I do think i might be going through something now.

7. Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis? No, but i have a recurring nightmare: the world is made of black and white paper thin layers. I am a paper thin person walking along a street surrounded by paper thin buildings. I walk for a long time, looking up at the white sky. Until the street ends, there is no more building and i fall into the abyss of a blank page. I have had this dream since the age of 8 or 9 years old. Fear of not being good enough, you say?! Ding, ding, ding!! We got a winner in the back! 8. What musician inspired you the most? I get inspired by music all the time!! One of my all time favourite songs is Spanish Sahara by Foals. Its sublime!

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So I’d say I’m mainly inspired by these artists: Queen, Arctic Monkeys, Foals, Radiohead, Bowie, Daughter, Bob Dylan, Beirut, Yeah yeah yeahs, Arcade Fire, The National, Joy Division, Blur, Warpaint, Gorillaz, Sufjan Stevens, Bon Iver, Chet Baker, The Cure, Courtney Barnett, The Maccabees, Car Seat Headrest, Florence + The Machine, Editors, Kasabian, Crystal Fighters, Death Cab for a cutie, The Doors, Efterklang, Explosions in the Sky, Franz Ferdinand, The Horrors, James Blake, José Gonzalez, Los Campesinos!, Metronomy, Nick Cave, Nina Simone, Patrick Watson, Phoenix, Sharon Van Etten, The Shins, Simon & Garfunkel, The Smiths, St.Vincent, The Strokes, Toro y Moi, tricot, Tune-Yards, TV on the radio, Unknown Mortal Orchestra, The Vaccines, Vampire Weekend, The Velvet Underground, The War on Drugs, Wild Beasts and Yo La Tengo.

And the electro, pop and hip-hop groves of my heart: EXO, 2NE1, Janelle Monáe, Big Bang, Kris Wu,LCD soundsystem, SBTRKT, Childish Gambino, Frank Ocean, Kendrick Lamar and Daft Punk.

And special mentions to the portuguese ones (learning from yixing and promoting when i can :P): Capicua, Joana Espadinha, The Legendary Tigerman, Linda Martini, Mayra Andrade, Noiserv, Ornatos Violeta, Paus, Samuel Uria, You Can’t Win Charlie Brown and The Silence 4. I know, tldr right? Sorry folks! 9. Have you ever fallen in love? Yes I have. I have mistaken a crush for love too. But i have definitely been very deeply in love. A wrecked kintsugi heart over here people! 10. What’s your dream date? I don’t think I have one. I’d love to do something unique with that someone special, something special for the two of us. It could be as simple as riding the subway while sharing earphones & listening to our playlist or walking the dogs out! Idk, I’m easy to please. But right now it would have to be with this handsome man :D pretty please?!

11. What do others notice about you? I am very kind and warm hearted, so I think that’s what people first notice when meeting me. Although I maintain good eye contact, I am also timid and will be quieter if there are very energetic people in the group. When alone, I usually take the first step and try to meet people, but only if i really must. 12. What’s an annoying habit you have? It’s really hard for me to ask for help. I also like to tell detailed descriptions of everything... Couldn’t you tell? 13. Do you still talk to your first love? I’ll text him on his birthday and he does the same to me. We met when we were 10 years old and that childhood friendship remains. But regarding my one and truly deep relationship, no we do not talk, unless we randomly meet.

14. How many exes do you have? I have three exes. The first love who was just an idealized crush on my childhood friend: we dated for 2 weeks during summer break xD Then my first real boyfriend, we met in my first year at university, dated for quite some time, he really loved me and made me love myself a little more. Finally the one i loved too much. I mended his wounds and made him love himself as much as I did. I always say all the love we feel makes our hearts grow bigger. I do not regret loving any of them, I am me now due to them and I would not change it if I could. 15. How many songs are in your playlist? I have way too many playlists for each and every mood... But my favourite songs list on spotify has about 1500 songs! uwu! 16. What instruments can you play? Triangles and flute?! I had mandatory music classes in school... so in reality I can’t really play a instrument...

17. Who do you have the most pictures of? Probably my cat, Sushi. With a second close of my doodles and sketches.

18. Where would you like to go before you die? EVERY WHERE!!! But I really want to go to Japan and Scotland and Iceland and South Korea and New Zealand and i’ll shut up. 19. What’s your zodiac? Capricorn. 20. Do you relate to it? Sort of.

21. What is happiness to you? You know when it’s really cold outside in the winter and you manage to find a sheltered place where no wind can hit you and you still get to feel the warm rays of the winter suns on your skin? You hear the birds outside and you are contempt in that moment, at peace. That is happiness to me. 22. Are you going through anything right now? Yes, I am a bit lost. Trying to finish my thesis and trying to find what I want to do after. It’s liberating but also pretty scary. 23. What’s the worst decision you ever made? It’s a series of small decisions really. It started with going for a phd with the same people i worked in my msc. Should have gone to a different place. Then deciding to come home after a traumatic loss in the family. Should have kept my life going but I stalled it then. (I don’t regret helping my loved ones though).

24. What’s your favourite store? Probably Wishtrend for beauty stuff. Other than that I don’t have any favourite brands/stores. 25. (HALFWAY!) What’s your opinion on abortion? I think everyone is free to decide what they want or need to do. I couldn’t possible judge. If I would it? Probably not.

27. Do you have a favourite album? I don’t think so, I have favourite tunes for different moods and moments in my life. But if threatened with my life, I’d maybe say Total Life Forever from Foals.

28. What do you want for your birthday? It’s such a long time until my birthday comes! But maybe a real EXO ot9 reunion as a goodbye to Minseok?

29. What is most people’s first impression of you? Friendly and easy to open up to, i think.

30. What age do you seem according to most people? In real life, people usually think I am way younger than I am. 31. Where do you keep your phone when you’re sleeping? In the crook of my bed, between the mattress and the bed frame.

32. What word do you say the most? No idea really! 33. What’s the oldest age you’d date? 40s? I don’t think too much about age actually.

34. What’s the youngest age you’d date? 20s? Again not very important to me. Love is love, whomever, whenever and wherever <3

35. What job / career do most people say would suit you? I don’t know! People always say i don’t totally fit in anything... so there’s that. If you have an idea please let me know! 36. What’s your favourite music genre? Go back to question 8. I listen to everything! :D 37. If you could live in any country in the world where would it be? I’d like to live around the world, every few months a different place and get to know different cultures.

38. What is your current favourite song? I’ve been obsessed with RM’s intro/teaser song, Map of the Soul: Persona. (I’m not even a bts fan, but this music and lyrics just touched me a lot.)

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39. How long have you had this blog for? I think for about 6 years? It’s my personal space, where I dump all my obsessions.

40. What are you excited for? I’m visiting some friends in Granada in a couple of weeks. Yay, tapas!

41. Are you a better talker or listener? Normally I am a better listener. But there are a few people to whom i open like a book. Either words flow right out of me without even thinking or they see throw me. Those truly are my people.

42. What is the last productive thing you did? Prepped meals and cleaned the kitchen. Open the folder and file of my thesis. Read the latest chapter I wrote. 43. What do you want for Christmas? Well, just like for my birthday, there is still such a long time to it! But let’s say i want to have already finish this part of my life and want to find my next adventure.

44. What class do you get the best grades in? No more exams! Ehehe! But I used to have good grades at everything. Physical Education was my lowest mark i think.

45. On a scale of 1-10 how do you feel right now? Right now, a 4? I have a headache.

46. What can you see yourself doing in 10 years? Smiling? :D I want to be happy in my own skin. To feel contempt in my life, doing something that gives me a sense of purpose and having time to share and enjoy with my friends and family. 47. When did you get your first heartbreak? Oh my kintsugi heart has been broken quiet a lot. By friends and lovers and even by myself. I keep patching it up with gold dreams though. 48. At what age do you wanna be married? I will only want to be married if i find the one. So until then I guess.

49. What career did you want to have as a child? I wanted to be an astronaut and a ballerina. Preferably both!

50. What do you crave right now? Just sitting somewhere and listening to Yeol play the guitar.

Well i finished it! :D I’ll tag @thedeviousdo @ohsenhun @hongseok and @paepsi. I’d love to read yours! Feel free to dismiss it though, it is quite a lot. Lots of love everyone!! <3 <3 <3

#50 questions tag #personal #sam's ramblings #mutuals #hope you enjoy reading about boring old me :)#it's very long i know! i talk too much

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fariszam · 4 years

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12/10/2020

Today is the day I fall in love, atleast that is what I believe. When I woke up in this morning, only things that pop in my head is you and my heart feel warm. If you ask me why, I don’t know exactly but I think it’s because you trust me and become vulnerable when you talk to me. I love vulnerability. It’s funny because we are in the same class but we don’t talk to each other properly back then. I remember we become close because you reply to godspeed by frank ocean that I share on my instagram. I think we both love him? Let’s hope someday we can watch him live together.

It’s 20.43 I’m listening to our love song playlist for whole day and let me tell you something. I have been smiling nonstop thinking about you like a fuckin retarded person. Everything just become beautifull again. I don’t even remember you got a man. I don’t remember when was the last time I feel like this. I don’t even remember I got dumped by my ex. That’s how crazy you make me feel. I pin your face on my google meet, I know that kinda creepy but that’s what kind of stuff people that falling in love are doing.

So I think I’m gonna write everything about you from today. And today is the day one I fall in love with you. Let’s see where I end up. If I describe what I feel right now. I feel like somone hug me for the whole day. Yeah that’s the best decription. You just hug me for the whole day without even be here. That sorcery bro. I didn’t expect much just a bit of reply text is enough for me. And thankyou so much for motivating me doing homework from miss ayu I fukin hate that class. It means a lot. I love you cc!

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booknerd405 · 7 years

Note

all the autumn asks of course

ily!!!

Autumn: What’s your favorite thing about Autumn?

I can wear my sweaters and coats and boots without dying from the heat but that’s pretty much it lol I prob would write more but im dead rn so..

Apples: What’s your favorite type of apple?

tbh I dont rly like apples cuz im allergic to the pollen on them so they destroy my throat

Apple Cider: What’s your favorite seasonal drink?

does hot chocolate count? cuz if so, hot chocolate

Apple picking: if you could go anywhere, where would it be and why?

anywhere where I could see an aurora borealis would be nice, but rn I kinda just wanna be in bed with my puppy

Big sweaters: do you prefer the cold, warmth, or a perfect in-between?

perfect in-between

Bonfires: Do you prefer going out or staying in on a fall evening?

staying in!!!!! every evening!!!

Boots: Favorite pair of shoes/boots you own?

my knee high fake leather boots

Black Friday: what is one thing, if anything, you would sell your soul to earn?

yesterday I would've said nothing, but today I might seriously consider it for a better physics professor

Candles: What’s your favorite fall scent?

probably pumpkin spice but I'm not much of a fall scent gal

Caramel Apples: Favorite Halloween candy?

BUTTERFINGERSSSS

Cozy blankets: where do you feel the most safe and at home?

my bed, especially when Charlie is curled up at me feet

Chilly air: what’s your least favorite and favorite type of weather?

my favorite type of weather is the weather I'm having rn, which is brisk with a cold breeze but sunny so I still get warm in a super satisfying way

Corn mazes: do you have any secret talents/abilities?

I dont think so?? maybe zoning out my physis professor??

Fairs: have you ever been to a state fair?

nope

Flannel: How many blankets do you sleep with in the fall/winter?

usually I sleep with 2, a soft blanket and a comforter, but I'm in a triple dorm rn so I cant sleep nekked so its just 1 for now

Falling leaves: you’re stranded on a desert island and here’s the twist; what three things do you NOT bring with you?

1) textbooks

2) makeup

3) sandals

Fuzzy Socks: How do you spend a night in the fall?

chillin in my bed letting the cold air in and just watching youtube videos, crocheting, and petting my puppy

Halloween: Do you plan on going out for Halloween this year? And as what?

I dont know what events there are at school for Halloween?? and I'm pretty sure Halloween is on a tues this year so imma have a 9 am class the next day anyway???? but if I do go out I'm thinking I wear my usual black skinny jeans, knee high boots, and skeleton sweater, but with crazy sfx makeup that makes it look like my mouth is a gaping ripped hole a la glamngore’s speak no evil look

Haunted Houses: what’s your scariest memory? (if you don’t have one/don’t wanna talk about it, what’s your biggest fear?)

my biggest fears include but are not limited to: being crushed to death by rocks, failure, disappointing everyone who thinks I'm gonna do amazing things in life, being wrongly accused and convicted of a crime

Hay rides: if you could pick absolutely anything to be your form of transportation, what would it be?

I think itd be pretty cool to ride a huge bear around just cuz aesthetic but realistically apparition would be dope

Hot Chocolate: How do you make/order your hot chocolate?

I put the powder in one mug, then I take another cup and I heat up milk in the microwave, then I pour the hot milk into the cup with the powder in it and stir

Holding hands: do you believe in soul mates?

nah

Hot tea: when was the last time you kissed someone (if you haven’t had your first kiss, who would you like that first someone to be?)

I'm pretty sure it was over the summer when I was camping with my boys

Leaves: What’s your favorite color the leaves turn?

I like the tan color they turn when theyre dead and crunchy on the ground

Mini pumpkins: How do you decorate for fall/Halloween?

I dont decorate much but ive been eyeing a skeleton throw blanket recently lmao

Pumpkin: Do you carve a pumpkin for Halloween?

I always wanted to as a kid but I never did, I think my dorm might do a pumpkin carving thing tho

Pumpkin Spice: Is pumpkin spice worth the hype?

nah (although ive never had a pumpkin spice frap so idk)

Pumpkin Pie: What’s your favorite autumnal dessert?

pumpkin pie

Rain: How do you spend a rainy day in?

if its cold rain, I crochet with my dog in my lap while watching Bo Burnham, but if its warm rain I run outside barefoot in a flowy dress and pretend I'm a fucking nymph

Sweaters: What’s your favorite sweater?

It’s a 3 way tie between the UCLA sweater I'm wearing rn, my high school symphony sweater, and my skeleton sweater

Scarves: What’s your favorite album to listen to in the fall?

I dont rly have a fall album but my study playlist is my fav cuz its rly chill

Scarves: If you could only wear one outfit for the rest of your life what would it be?

see this is hard cuz then I have to find something comfy enough that I can wear all the time but that would also work for a job?? but I guess maybe my soft navy blue pants that are slightly more professional and comfy than jeans, a simple white t-shirt, and my navy blue blazer

Smelly candles: what’s your absolute favorite scent?

probably jasmine

Thanksgiving: what is something/someone you’re the most thankful for? any particular reason?

I'm rly thankful for my parents cuz meeting so many new ppl this past week from so many different backgrounds it reminded me how lucky I am to have the parents that I have

The color orange: do you have a specific song that reminds you of autumn? what is it?

I dont have a specific song that I can think of but my rainy day playlist on Spotify is perfect for fall

Wool socks: what’s something you look forward to in fall?

Halloween and thanksgiving break

Windy nights: if you could go to any concert whose would it be?

probably id just go to another panic concert but maybe frank ocean?

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cursedcandyroses · 7 years

Text

The British Are Coming (Again)

In the early 60′s a foursome of coconut headed Brits took the world by storm and have forever been a part of the music world since. A little crew called the Beatles came into our grandparents lives and stuck around for what may be an eternity. With them came a couple of little crews known as The Rolling Stones, Led Zeppelin, and The Who. The next great wave of artists from our pals across the pond are coming. Slowly working their ways into our Apple curated playlists and as features on some of the years biggest albums are rappers and singers from all across England. Now given the nation as a whole has given us major stars in this decade (Adele, One Direction, Ed Sheeran, etc) but a whole new British invasion is coming in all genres. Indie Rock, experimental music and grime (a subgenre of hip-hop where the beats are heavy electronic music and made by an artist from the UK) are the key exports from the nation. Some of these creatives have became established acts here in the US in the past year alone, and to prep you for what is over the horizon here is your one stop guide to what the UK has to offer.

Cosmo Pyke

Genre: Indie Rock

Latest Release: Just Cosmo EP

From: Peckham, London, England

Age: 19

Up until this past year Cosmo has been just a typical London school kid with a passion for skateboarding, graffiti, and a with a bubbling modeling career along with his hobby of being a guitar player. Having been featured in Frank Ocean’s jaw-dropping video for “Nikes”, one would think that acting and modeling was going the best, when in actuality his music is what is taking him the farthest. His debut EP “Just Cosmo” with the bubbling single “Chronic Sunshine” has taken Cosmo across Europe and into America. His Biggest American Moment for now is being featured in aforementioned lone video from Frank Ocean’s beloved “Blonde”, yet bigger things are in store as Cosmo plans to release more music off the back of his sold out European tour and being featured in Dazed Top 100 Up & Comers.

Skepta

Genre: Grime

Latest Release: Konnichiwa LP

From: Tottenham, London, England

Age: 34

The Tottenham native is seens as one of the greatest Grime artists of all time already. From being the founder of the Grime label/collective powerhouse Boy Better Know, to putting out quality music for over a decade, Skepta is the modern Grime king. Now with the power of the internet Skepta and his fellow BBK members have begone bubbling in the states, and they are up to the challenge. Beginning his crossover by building a relationship with major artists (who are also his fans) such as Drake, A$AP Rocky, Flatbush Zombies and Riff Raff to name a few, he has since had his Biggest American Moment by having a solo track on the “More Life” playlist and receiving acclaim (and a Gold plaque) with his most recent release “Konnichiwa” .

Rex Orange County

Genre: Indie Rock / Pop

Latest Release: Apricot Princess LP

From: London, England

Age: 19

My first discovery of the London youth came from when Micky Alfred and other members of the Odd Future affiliated collective Illegal Civ were featured on Pharrell’s Beats 1 Radio show in October of 2016. When asked by P and Scott Vener what music they were fans of, Rex Orange County’s single “Paradise” was within the mix, and from there i haven’t gone a day without hearing it. Since then Rex has had been featured as one of Zane Lowe’s World Records twice (”Happiness” and “Best Friend”) and has had possibly his Biggest American Moment by being heavily featured on Tyler The Creator’s newest album “Scum Fuck Flower Boy”. Along with the release of his beautiful debut album “Apricot Princess”, 2017 has been going perfectly for Rex.

Little Simz

Genre: Hip-Hop

Latest Release: Stillness In Wonderland LP

From: Islington, London, England

Age: 23

While other artists on this list are more known for major features and singles, Little Simz has earned a reputation for creating worlds and stories with her projects. Her “Age 101″ EP series were a major piece of building the buzz and fanbase for the UK poet. Though her Biggest American Moment came after the release of her latest full-length (her sophomore album) “Stillness In Wonderland”. The release made it up to #20 on the UK Charts and opened hip-hop lovers eyes and ears to the possibility of a female rapper from the UK crossing into the US. Along with her musical endeavors, she has been involved in acting and is the founder of her own independent label, AGE 101 Music.

Giggs

Genre: Grime

Latest Release: Landlord LP

From: Peckham, London, England

Age: 34

Another key piece apart of Skepta’s BBK empire is the raspy voiced Grime artist Giggs. A long time member of the now bubbling Grime genre Giggs has earned respect from his peers and now the world. His Biggest American Moment is a comical one, and like a lot of other artists on this list there’s a Drake element. His hilariously meme-worthy closing line on Drake’s “KMT” has been a line that makes a listener either question everything they just heard in a negative way or a positive way. The Batman Line Heard ‘Round The World is his biggest moment for US audiences, but his past work deserves a listen regardless of your view on the line.

Sampha

Genre: Soul / Electronic

Latest Release: Process LP

From: Morden, S. London, England

Age: 28

A voice filled with such pain and equal beauty, with poetic songwriting, and gorgeous electronic and piano based production to back are the hallmarks of the Morden Soul singer. Getting his start as a close collaborator of the electronic adventure started by Aaron Jerome better known as SBTRKT. Along with a close friendship with American artists like Drake, Sampha has slowly become ingrained in today’s American music. Though a solo track on Drake’s “More Life” playlist (and other songs with the Canadian rapper), along with credits on Solange’s latest masterpiece and are big looks for the singer, his own music has been the cause of his Biggest American Moments. The release of his long awaited album “Process” was met with critical acclaim, being heralded as one of the best albums of the year. With heart-shattering vocals that sound like none other, Sampha has stepped into the US, and plans on staying.

Yellow Days

Genre: Indie Rock / Soul

Latest Release: Harmless Melodies EP

From: Haslemere, Surrey, England

Age: 17

The youngest artist on this list is also the most promising. Though George van den Broek is the youngest in days, his voice is filled with the hurt and pain of a Howlin’ Wolf. Switching around between soft rock and borderline blues music, Yellow shows his range on his lone EP “Harmless Melodies”. As of now Yellow hasn’t exactly had a Biggest American Moment, but the buzz from his EP has put him on the radar of American publications like Pigeons & Planes. What is to come from the English act is the most exciting aspect of him, and it may be coming quicker then we expect.

JME

Genre: Grime

Latest Release: Integrity> LP

From: Hackney, London, England

Age: 32

The BBK crew may be known for it’s “leader” Skepta, but the label wouldn’t be the same without co-founder JME. Known for his hilarious wordplay and large, though sporadic, output, he was one of the first Grime rappers to receive American acclaim in the 2010′s. Skepta has been a slow burn in the US, but hip-hop based publications caught on to JME’s “Integrity>” when it first came out in 2015 leading to his Biggest American Moment, which was being ranked across multiple publications as one of the best projects of the year. His back catalog is a world of Grime classics and colorations with the genre’s biggest artists, making the trip down JME’s rabbit hole one worth wild.

King Krule aka Archy Marshall aka Edgar The Beatmaker aka Zoo Kid aka Edgar The Breathtaker aka DJ JD Sports

Genre: Indie Rock / Soul / Trip-Hop / Dub-Step

Latest Release: A New Place 2 Drown LP

From: N. London, England

Age: 22

A man of many names to fit his ever changing musical moods is the best way to describe King Krule. His Biggest American Moment may have came a few years back with the release of his gorgeous genre bending LP “6 Feet Beneath The Moon”, but Archy stays within the fold of the American music scene. His last project “A New Place 2 Drown” received high praise, and he has kept busy by playing shows and creating under his multiple aliases. A few months back Krule debuted two new tracks under separate monikers and elluded to a few full length projects coming soon. For now our fingers are crossed, it’s been a little over two years since any full release, and his fans are eagerly waiting on his return.

Stormzy

Genre: Grime

Latest Release: Gang Signs & Prayer LP

From: Croydon, London, England

Age: 23

The leader of the newest generation of Grime artists, Stormzy has already broken boundaries in his home country. His long awaited debut, and his Biggest American Moment, “Gang Signs & Prayer” is the first Grime album to reach #1 on the UK Billboard Charts, along with leading him to be nominated for Breakthrough Act at the Brit Awards. Grime in the UK is still seen as Hip-Hop once was, a phase, and something that will be gone soon. Stormzy through quality music and charting singles has shown that Grime is here to stay, and that it has the ability to spread across the globe.

Mura Masa

Genre: Electronic / Dance / Pop

Latest Release: Mura Masa LP

From: Castel, Guernsey

Age: 21

Though lone artist on the list not from England, but it would be a travesty to leave him off. Mura Masa has already worked with some of the biggest artists, not just in the UK, but in the world. His Biggest American Moment has come within the release of his self titled LP “Mura Masa”, and it came in the form of the two lead singles “Love$ick” with A$AP Rocky and “1Night” with Charlie XCX. Both singles are bubbling on the Billboard and streaming charts, aided by the album as a whole being met with universal acclaim. Along with success with his own solo music and collaborative work with Stormzy and Jay Prince, Mura started his own label, Anchor Point Records, and signed on Bonzai and duo Jadu Heart.

Jorja Smith

Genre: R&B / Soul / Jazz

Latest Release: Project 11 EP

From: Walsall, England

Age: 20

One of the most buzzed about artists to come from England is the songstress Jorja Smith. With a vocal tone easiest described as a mix of powerful like Amy Winehouse and beautiful like Lauryn Hill, Jorja has been a key voice behind songs for America’s newest and biggest acts. As of now her Biggest American Moment is the moment we are living in right now. US publications and blogs are eagerly awaiting a full length project from the singer, making the buzz larger then even after her stunning debut EP “Project 11″. Her short feature on Kali Uchis’ lead single “Tyrant” and her haunting intro and hook on Drake’s “Get It Together” has left the world clamoring for more tracks and features from her.

J Hus

Genre: Grime / Hip-Hop

Latest Release: Common Sense LP

From: Stratford, London, England

Age: 22

Grime music’s main disconnect with the American people is the typical abrasiveness of the production. Artists like Stormzy and Skepta are starting to understand how to stay true to Grime while flowing over different kinds of production, but they can both takes notes from J Hus. His playful use of auto-tune and production that sounds more in the vein American Hip-Hop then his UK contemporaries is something that has lead to his crossover into the US. His Biggest American Moment came in the form of praise from publications such as Complex and Pigeons & Planes, by ranking J Hus’ debut LP “Common Sense” near the top in their mid-year album rankings. The boy from Stratford, originally inspired by 50 Cent to rap, has come across the pond with the highest ceiling in terms of mainstream appeal.

Vegyn

Genre: Electronic

Latest Release: Phone Phoneys EP

From: London, England

Age: 23

Vegyn has taken a stance on the UK dance music scene, and it’s something he isn’t to happy with. Seeing the scene as bland, and wishing to add more fun into it, Vegyn began making his own music, starting with his debut “All Bad Things Have Ended” and eventually evolving into his current form on his “Phone Phoneys” EP. Though his solo music is whimsical and fun in it’s own right, his Biggest American Moment came from being affiliated with one of the largest figures in American music. The mysterious genius Frank Ocean. Having credits on both of Ocean’s 2016 release’s (”Endless” and “Blonde”) was the first step, leading him into the role of being the host of Blonded Radio, a mix show held on Beats1 that has been the jumping point for Frank’s newest singles, occasional interview and a mix of other eye-popping music.

#rex orange county #vegyn #frank #frankocean #england #drake #skepta #cosmopyke #jme #giggs #yellowdays #kingkrule #jhus #music #electronic #rock #britain #british #uk

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glendowers-archive · 7 years

Text

tagged by @audreil to do like seven of these holy shit here we go (under the cut because this is super long)

relationship status: *finger guns* (no but im single and i need a bf/gf immediately thanks) lipstick or chapstick: lipstick ! last song/music i listened to: halo by beyonce (im going through a playlist from like 2008) top 3 shows: the get down, jane the virgin, one day at a time top 3 characters: shit uhh,,,,adam parrish, inej ghafa, dan wilds,,and too many more im sorry top 3 ships: adansey (shut up), wesper, snowbaz

how old are you ? technically 18 but im mentally 67 and ready for death

dream job ? a musician ?? a journalist ??? whoever makes chopped baskets ???????

what is a big goal you are working towards (or have already achieved) ? not getting so easily attached to people/trying to love myself without other people to reassure me

what’s your aesthetic ? soft pink sweaters, sunrises, and a world where poc/lgbt+ ppl can be safe and nazis are immediately burned in hell

what’s a topic you’re always up to talk about ? literally anything about adam parrish, mythology, and music

what’s a pet peeve of yours ? people who chew rly loudly and people who expect me to be awake and conscious of my being before 10am

good advice to give ? stop being intense all the time it’s not good for your brain, and neither is never shutting up

recommend 3 songs:

- meteorite (acoustic) by years & years - grand piano by nicki minaj - desperado by rihanna

name: jem nicknames: jam, jammyjemjam, a mistake, among others that only make sense to my family gender: nb star sign: pisces height: 5′1 fight me sexual orientation: bi as all hell hogwarts house: hufflepuff favourite colour: pale/pastel pink favourite animal: kittens but also puppies average hours of sleep: haha thats funny !! cat or dog person: why do we still live in a world where we have to choose between cats and dogs (both fuck u) favourite fictional characters: adam parrish, gansey, blue sargent, inej ghafa, wylan van eck, henry winter, dan wilds, neil josten, ginny weasley number of blankets i sleep with: two always no matter what the weather is favourite band: fhfskhdfkl idk years & years favourite singer: troye sivan ??? banks ???? frank ocean ??? u cant ask me to choose !!! dream trip: tokyo, new zealand, anywhere in france dream job: i already answered this i think when was this blog created: january 29th of 2016 so exactly a year ago !! ive been on tumblr for at least four years but this blog is my best work yet current number of followers: just over 2.5k :) when did your blog reach its peak? last summer when ppl realized how cool i was (that never happened lmao) what made you get tumblr? four years ago it was s*per*hol*ck but i made this one because of the foxhole court

rules: put your music on shuffle, list the first 9 songs and your favourite lyrics from each, then tag 9 other people to participate! (ps i used my playlist of current faves)

gemini feed - banks

ode to my two thighs i still want you to kiss 'em 'cause they're lonely

LOST BOY - troye sivan

i don't care much for locks on the window, to keep me at bay, i leave you one last kiss on your pillow, 'fore I fly away.

menswear - the 1975

i'm probably gonna yosh in your mouth, because it's five-oh-three, i can hardly see and i'm on the verge of passing out.

somebody else - the 1975

our love has gone cold, you're intertwining your soul with somebody else.

desperado - rihanna

desperado, sitting in an old monte carlo, we've both had our hearts broke.

feeling myself - nicki minaj & beyonce

bitches ain't got punchlines or flow, i have both and an empire also.

my type - saint motel

take a look around the room, love comes wearing disguises. how to go about and choose. break it down by shapes and sizes.

concerning the ufo sighting near highland, illinois - sufjan stevens

incarnation, three stars, delivering signs and dusting from their eyes,

cliffs edge - hayley kiyoko

kiss me with adventure, ‘til I forget my name.

name/nickname/whatever you prefer to be called: jem pronouns: she/they age: 18 fav skam character: isak cause i rel8 to him the most but sana is incredible too when did you start watching skam: right around when ep 4 of s3 released but after that i went back and watched from s1 when did you make your blog: exactly a year ago today who are you cheering for to be s4′s main: cant decide between sana and even :( who do you think is more likely to be s4′s main: probs sana what are your main interests: sleeping, sleeping, and being gay something you’re always up to discuss: adam parrish, the stars, music something you refuse to discuss: my failed romantic exploits other favorite shows aside from skam: the get down, one day at a time, jane the virgin, shadowhunters

i tag: @thefourteenthdarkone @veroinicalodge @noahnczerny @drownedpoet @equinocts @aurorras @gansaey to do as many of these as they want u dont have to do them all obviously <3

#about jem #read more if u wanna learn random shit about me

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imdrew · 5 years

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an autobiographical playlist

Link: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0969nlIzBIXZZB9ClnyYHN The telling of my personal story is much harder than I thought it would be, for several reasons. I’ve seen a lot, been through a lot, and conquered a lot, and finding music that helped tell that story actually ended up being far easier than I had anticipated. I, of course, had to leave numerous songs on the proverbial cutting room floor, but that’s the blessing of a deadline—at some point, I have to call it a day. I’m happy to report that I’ll be calling it a day with a triumphant smile splattered across my slightly aged yet youthful, angular visage.

The story I chose to tell was my coming of age, and my rise from intellectually gifted, mentally ill drug addict to intellectually gifted, medicated, sober, bisexual academic that rediscovered an appreciation for the gift of life that had previously escaped me. For years, I was a person who would consistently get in his own way, impeding the potential I was constantly told I had…seriously, teacher after teacher after teacher told me how much I was capable of accomplishing, “if only…”

However, because I’m a glutton for punishment, I chose to challenge myself a little more by telling my life story mostly through songs that have come out in recent years, rather than using songs from those earlier days that undeniably left an impact. Those songs are still very critical and will always have a special place in my heart, but I thought it might be a fun side experiment to see how music from the last few years can just as accurately communicate life experiences that pre-date it by almost a decade.

The first and last songs on this playlist come from the same album, Mac Miller’s latest and, unfortunately, final album Swimming. Released a month before his untimely death of an overdose, Swimming is the artistic peak of Miller’s career, an album made solely for him, to let himself know that he was okay rather than appeasing the rest of the world. The opening track, “Come Back to Earth”, is one that hit me square in the chest when I heard it for the first time. The opening passage says it all: “My regrets look like texts I shouldn’t send. And I’ve got neighbors, they’re more like strangers

We could be friends. I just need a way out of my head. I’d do anything for a way out of my head.”

From the age of six, I dealt with both auditory and visual hallucinations that increased in severity as I aged. When I was a junior in high school, my illness completely manifested, and as a result, I don’t remember a large chunk of my adolescence. Between the hallucinations completely obscuring the lines between reality and fiction and my rapidly increasing drug use (coupled with my reluctance to tell any of my loved ones about my mental deterioration), I was a complete wreck. I truly needed a way out of my head, and while I absolutely had friends, I felt a considerable disconnect because I was unable to open up about the most personal parts of myself. In addition to struggling with my mental illness, I was coming to terms with my sexuality while grappling with an internalized homophobia that had been reinforced by my Catholic education and the people I was surrounded by on a daily basis. I was in desperate need of an escape, but that wouldn’t come for several more years. I continued to suffer silently into my freshman year at Muhlenberg College, which culminated in me failing out after the first semester with a 0.00 GPA. My parents’ own Blutarsky—oh how proud they were (I hope my sarcasm is palpable).

The second and third songs on the playlist are meant to transport the listener back to my first college years. With what I saw as a new lease on life, I developed a persona that was the antithesis of the mild-mannered, even-tempered, very sick and awkward kid from my youth. Brent Faiyaz’s “Gang Over Luv” perfectly encapsulates my new “too cool for school” attitude, whereas the weird but wonderful “Cool” by Zack Villere harkens back to my more genuine insecurities that would pop up whenever I was by myself, which admittedly was more than I’d like to admit.

When I was away at college, it was my first exposure to what I believed to be true independence. I was indulging in everything that would come my way, be it drugs, sex or both. Despite having a bit of a novelty pick, Lil Uzi Vert’s (in my mind) under-appreciated “XO TOUR Llif3” and RAJAN’s “Cocaine Fantasy” paint that picture perfectly. I was lost in a drug-induced haze that painted permanent rose sunglasses on my face and allowed me to act without any worry for the consequences. Yet, at the same time, I felt nothing but isolation, which is the main theme in Benjamin Booker’s “The Slow Drag Under.” Everything about the tone of this song reminds me of how I would feel in those brief moments of sobriety, which would only last so long as I lived literally three doors down from my primary drug dealer.

Frank Ocean’s “Solo” is that lilting but not-entirely-transparent tale of a self-effacing kid trying to find any way to cope with his issues other than actually addressing them head-on—it’s not exactly a cautionary tale, but it certainly doesn’t glamorize the frequent weed smoking and sexual indulgence that I had been embarking on throughout the semester. The haze was starting to break, and I was realizing that pretending things were fine wasn’t a sustainable way to live. Hence, “Fake Happy”, Hayley Williams and Paramore’s foray into self-analysis and social critique, a summer-y yet brutally honest mirror being held up to the listener:

“Oh please, don’t ask me how I’ve been

Don’t make me play pretend

Oh no, oh what’s the use

Oh please. I think everybody here is fake happy too.”

By the day after Christmas, the illusion had broken. Sitting in my bedroom at home, my parents presented me with a letter confirming the inevitable: I had, indeed, failed out of school. I was asked to take a semester off and return in the fall on probationary status, but considering how severely my mental state had deteriorated, it was clear I wouldn’t be able to return. Eryn Allen Kane’s sobering “Have Mercy”, a completely acapella track, conveys almost perfectly the loneliness I felt; like I was floating in space counting my blessings yet failing to account for most of them. I was slipping down into the water, without a care or sense of direction. I needed more help than I realized, and finally, I asked for help.

Chance’s “Same Drugs” and Ariana Grande’s blissful “breathin” are reflections on my move from hard illicit drugs to mood stabilizers, antipsychotics, and cognitive behavioral therapy. My hallucinations completely disappeared by the end of the spring, I learned how to meditate, and started seeing a therapist, which helped me find the mental fortitude to enter the first serious romantic relationship of my life, which lasted a year and I have learned, over time, to be tremendously thankful for. Frank Ocean makes his second appearance on this playlist in the form of his single “Provider”, a smooth, watery track that analyzes the role a relationship or loved one plays in the life of someone who is learning how to deal with feelings that hadn’t experienced prior:

“Feelings you provide, I know I know.

Tonight I might change my life, all for you.”

I thought I was ready to change my life for her, and in a lot of ways, I did. That said, even though I stopped using hard drugs, I still would indulge (secretly) in copious amounts of weed when I would visit my friends at my single-semester alma mater. Considering how much I fought to keep my drug dependency from my family and especially my girlfriend, I still had a good amount of work to do on myself before I could fully commit and make those changes. The relationship ended in tumult, but thankfully as we’ve gotten older the ice has thawed and civility reigns.

I also had more work to do when it came to learning how to love myself for every part of myself, and that included my sexuality. It was something that I still hadn’t explored, and frankly, I wasn’t ready to until recently. I met a boy named Kevin, and while things never took off for us, he nonetheless played a tremendously pivotal role in my path to the self-love I possess today. Daniel Caesar’s “Get You” is a slow, psychedelic love song that cherishes the passion and intimacy that a fulfilling relationship brings, and Tyler The Creator’s “Garden Shed” is an anthemic, soaring coming out song that so perfectly puts my own experience into words I couldn’t have written it better:

“Garden shed, garden shed, garden shed, garden shed

For the garden

That is what I was hiding

That is what love I was I in

Ain't no reason to pretend

Garden shed, garden shed, garden shed

Garden shed for the garçons

Them feelings I was guarding

Heavy on my mind

All my friends lost

They couldn't read the signs

I didn't wanna talk and tell em' my location

And I didn't wanna walk

Truth is, since you kid, I thought it was a phase

Thought it would be like the phrase poof, gone

But, it's still going on.”

Kehlani’s acoustic celebration of same-sex love, “Honey”, continues this theme, echoed one final time by Whitney Houston’s timeless “Exhale”, which doubles as both an acknowledgement of my current emotional and mental state as well as a thank you to all of my previous romantic partners whom, though I wasn’t ready to love them all the way, taught me valuable lessons about both life and myself.

Enter the greatest song of all time (I’m only half kidding) in the form of John Mayer’s “Gravity”. I don’t really need to say much about this song, except that it means a lot to me. It’s a song that continues to bring me peace on every listen, a grounding presence when I need it most and one that focuses me and brings me back down to Earth, which if you’ll recall from the beginning of the playlist, I had been searching for my entire life.

The final three tracks on the playlist kind of wrap everything in a tight, pretty bow, and bring us back to the present. First we have Miles Davis’ “Take It or Leave It”, a quick, hypnotic instrumental track from his Bitches Brew sessions (a sonic palate cleanser, if you will), followed by “SAN MARCOS” by BROCKHAMPTON, a relatively new hip-hop group from South Central Los Angeles that I think is tremendous. This song sits near the end of their latest record and addresses everything from members working through their various mental illnesses, coming to terms with fame and realizing that while they’ve come quite far from where they started, there’s even more that life has to offer that they have yet to find.

“Maybe I'm broken, either way I'm clinging on closely

I know it's not healthy

Appreciate your patience, I know that I'm selfish

Do my best to be selfless, I know that I'm changing

I know that I'm changing.”

The thing that strikes me the most about BROCKHAMPTON is how unflinchingly honest they are in their lyrics. I felt the same way about Mac when he was alive—this willingness to put it all out there, to put your fallibility on paper, to epitomize humanity for the world to see is a show of breathtaking strength, one that I hope to achieve and am continually working towards.

The playlist comes to a close with the closing track from the aforementioned Swimming, “2009”, which shows Miller finding clarity and mental solitude that he had been chasing his whole life, much as I have. I see a lot of myself in Mac, honestly, but I’ll leave that for another time (that’s honestly a paper in itself…and maybe a therapy session or two.) “2009” is chillingly beautiful recognition that while we may not have it all together, that’s okay, because we’re getting there.

“Yeah they ask me what I'm smilin' for

Well, because I've never been this high before

It's like I never felt alive before

Mhmm, I'd rather have me peace of mind than war

See me and you, we ain't that different

I struck the fuck out and then I came back swingin'

Take my time to finish, mind my business

A life ain't a life 'til you live it

I was diggin' me a hole big enough to bury my soul

Weight of the world, I gotta carry my own

My own, with these songs I can carry you home

I'm right here when you're scared and alone.”

With that, you have a general idea of who I am, where I’ve been, and where I am today. I won’t sit here and act like I have it all together, because I don’t. With that said, though, I’m sober, mentally stable, in a happy and loving relationship with an incredible woman, and allowing myself to be vulnerable and transparent with the people I hold close. I feel alive, and ready to come back swinging. For the first time in my already very long and simultaneously short life, I am awake, and I am happy. I have a renewed sense of purpose, an appreciation for life and the things that bring me joy, and a desire to pursue a career in education or anything that involves some sort of writing/literary analysis…

…which I’m sure you can gather from the fact that I just wrote the equivalent of my usual eight-page paper replete with SAT buzzwords even though I swore to myself I wouldn’t. Oh well!

#writing #personal #playlist #mine

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theparaminds · 5 years

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As if childhood wasn't difficult enough, the world up and forces us all to become adult. Forces us to face reasonability and to learn life on our own accord. This is, at its core, the time in which Troi Blank finds himself within. He finds himself at the greatest, most critical crossroads yet, but for comfort, he has found solace through sound.

Working with the Raised by the Internet creative team, Troi has situated himself as a multi genre artist who can explore the deep emotions of everyday life in endless ways. It doesn't matter who listens, they’ll find resonance within his sound, within his ideas, hopes and fears.

As the new year looms ever close, Troi sets his sights on one key idea, being true to himself, whatever that may entail. This year is set to be one of output and endless work, but at the core of that all will be his dedication to self. All that stands in his way is the world attempting to confuse him, but he knows that he’s learning and growing faster than it can keep up.

Our first question as always, how’s your day going and how are you?

My day is going alright. It’s been really busy but I’m glad, living and breathing, and personally I’m doing okay. I’m just adjusting to life being on my own and all the things that come with adulting. All of that has been a great experience and has taught me a lot about life and myself. Lately I’ve been big on just trying to keep my mental health first and have good days.

What have been some of those experiences and the growths you’ve been able to make? How do you reflect on the past year?

This past year has been challenging but it has been a very productive year for myself and I’ve learned a lot. I was able to put out some cool music in late 2017 and going into this year it's been a journey finding myself again musically and really just trying to get a good grasp on who I was as a person. I just recently graduated this past May so finishing high school and passing was my main concern pre-summer. And this past summer was a very eye opening experience. I met a lot of people, was able to talk to many different people from many different walks of life that were able to be instrumental in this new direction my life is going. I was able to really enjoy myself for once and spend much needed time with friends and family. I went to so many places, drove so many places, saw so many sights that are just memories that are truly priceless. I’ve also had a lot of situations and things come up in my family which has made the middle to ladder half of this year somewhat hectic and very emotionally draining. I’m glad this past year has been what it has been though, because I’ve been able to make the best music of my life so far and everything about the music is richer and more in depth and way more personal to me. I wouldn’t be able to make the album right now if it wasn’t for the hardships and struggles of 2018.

With it being december, what new year goals and hopes do you hold and what avenues do you hope your music goes down?

This upcoming year can be a very big, if the cards are played right. I would love to be able to quit my job and support myself off of music. I feel that the music I’m making right now can take me to places I didn’t think were possible and I feel if given to the right people and heard by the right people I could do something very special. I hope my music is able to connect with all audiences no matter what genre you align because the music is authentic and 100% raw emotions, I’m really focused on creating my own lane and making the music I want to because music is a very therapeutic thing for me and it’s the way I get over things and release energy that I need to, so why would I not make music that is 100% me and what I want to make? I didn’t make music to blow up or to become a celebrity, I do it because I am an artist and I care about the art. I would love the chance to be put in playlists on Spotify and Apple Music and have the masses be able to hear me and my message. I hope some of my idols can hear my shit too!

Where did this love and appreciation for music as a medium begun for you and who have you found around you growing and supporting it? What did you earliest days of inspiration look like?

I think that the love and appreciation has always been an innate feeling that was just able to be express as I matured and got older. I remember times I would cry as a little kid listening to music because I loved it so much and it made me feel a certain way that was unexplainable as a child. As for my support system that would be the collective I’m apart called Raised By The Internet. It was founded by my best friend Jelani Aryeh, originally starting as an art/music collective that had different artists, producers, and visual artists from all across the world. We move as a unit as well as solo acts. Those are my guys, my best friends, & my brothers. I wouldn’t be where I am without any of them. The growth and support came from just putting out music and having people from anywhere and everywhere listening to my music. I was able to have a small but die hard loyal fan base that supports all my music and other creative ventures. shares, playlists & social media are all other big factors in the growth. My early inspirations was everyone from the whole odd future collective. I was obsessed with everyone and all the subgroups within it. I remember I was very inspired when I was 11 by the Purple Naked Ladies album by The Internet. Tyler will always be my #1 and owe him a lot as far as being able to be a left of center black kid that didn’t grow up in the hood and was into more things than just the typical black shit. Frank has always been there and will always be inspiration. Kanye of course did so much for me a person and his vision very much inspired me to try to think on the same artistic level as him and have the same passion as he did.

Absolutely, those artists are huge for so many young artists today, as well as the internet as you mentioned. Looking at this beginning time, how would you compare your musical vision from back then to what you see it currently, whether in genre or emotion?

I think now my vision is a lot more clear because of the depths in which I know music now versus back then. My senior year I took an AP level music theory class and hated it, but in the end I actually learned a lot about the science behind music and I was able to make my songs sound more developed/interesting just by knowing music theory. And all of the songs in my discography right now were made the summer going into my senior year and the first semester of my senior year, so I hadn’t had that much knowledge about music theory yet. Also, I think that now I’m able to dig deeper into myself and able to put whole coherent thoughts and stories into a song. When I was younger I would be able to have a topic I know what I want the song to be about but not be able to stay on track so that was pretty eh but it’s ok because people progress and shit.

For sure school would be beneficial, how have you found yourself balancing your blending of genres and sonics between song to song? How do you find a middle ground you’re satisfied with?

I don’t necessarily try to balance or blend genres, I typically just try to make what comes to my head and what emotion I’m feeling or trying to convey. I’m never too concerned about a middle ground either because I believe that necessarily doesn’t exist for me because different emotions call for different sonics. I think that the music becomes disingenuous if you think too much on what genres and styles you are blending together, rather than just go with a raw emotion and build on that idea.

To shift a little, what are the main messages and ideas you hope for listeners to resonate with through your work?

The main message that I hope resonates with listeners is just loving and being comfortable with yourself. I hope that my music brings somewhat of introspection or just some type socially conscious message for people. I hope people are able to listen to my music and just think about their lives and other things in society that help them get through and push their lives. I hope people who listen my music also feel empowered and know that they could be anything no matter what circumstances they’re in.

What is the greatest book or poem you’ve ever read and what about it resonated with you deepest?

I’m actually not a big reader and I hate that! So I actually don’t have a favourite book or poems, but I do very much enjoy a lot of Langston Hughes’ work. I love his poem called Genius Child. I would say the lyrics of people like Frank Ocean, King Krule, Earl, & many of my other favorites really resonate with me on a deep level. A lot of their songs connect with me and I get that feeling where you think songs are made for you.

If you’re not a reader, what are you some of your favourite mediums and works within them? Like Films, tv, YouTube videos, concerts etc.

I truly do not watch that many films or tv anymore but my favorite movies would probably have to be Auperbad, Annie hall, & Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. My favorite tv shows would probably be like all the major Seth Macfarlane cartoons (i.e. family guy, american dad, the cleveland show). I was also very obsessed with this show called Wilfred but they finished the show. I also enjoy watching any type of crime show, I love shit like forensic files. I’m a big youtube viewer though. I mainly watch live sports tv like fox sports 1 videos, from Colin, first things first, & undisputed. On YouTube I will just dig and find interesting videos and add a bunch to my watch later. I watch a lot of interviews and performances from my favorite artists and creatives. I love listening to podcasts as well. I love listening to the Brilliant Idiots podcast, the Joe Budden podcast, & the Bodega boys. I also play 2k whenever I can just to keep the gamer that used to be in me alive.

Yeah it’s always great to have a wide base of interests, on the topic of watching sports and such shows, what’s your sport of choice and favourite athlete?

My favorite sport is basketball. I played from like 1st grade all the way to 9th grade. I quit before high school started though because I never fucking grew and I chose to play soccer instead. My favorite athlete is for sure Lebron James. He was the first basketball player I ever really watched; I just loved his game and he just looked cool with all his miraculous plays and dunks.

Man you're talking my language! You gotta tell me, who do you think is going to win it all this year? Also, what's your favourite Lebron era?

I think that the Warriors will more than likely win the chip this year. when they’re all clicking that shit is damn near unstoppable. And they haven’t even gotten Boogie back yet. Them niggas really went to great lengths to secure championships after Bron came back on them. 3-1 lead. But if Steph gets hurt in the playoffs and their dysfunction comes back, I can see the lakers advancing and winning just because of Lebron. My favorite lebron era would probably have to be either Miami or LA. Miami was great because it revolutionized free agency and gave more power to players to make moves for themselves. if LA plays out how I think it will it will be a great place to close his career and will make him the best player ever.

Miami Lebron was a near perfect player, plus that game 6 against Boston is forever legendary. As a wrap up question, what’s the biggest advice you wish you heard when you were younger that you hope to pass on to others?

I would just tell the younger creatives to always just be yourself and take time the necessary time to find yourself. Also if you have no work ethic you will not succeed. Last thing would just to be work hard and never give up no matter what place you might be in.

Do you have anyone to shoutout or anything to promote? The floor is yours!

SHOUTOUT TO MY COLLECTIVE RAISED BY THE INTERNET. SHOUTOUT TO EK, ABHI, & ABDULLAH. SHOUTOUT TO ALL THE NIGGAS IN THE CONQUISTADOR CHAT. SHOUTOUT STRAY RATS AND GOD.

SHOUTOUT TO MY FAMILY AS WELL AND GET READY FOR MY ALBUM I'M LOOKING TO RELEASE IN SPRING/SUMMER 2019. RAISED BY THE INTERNET COMING AS WELL. AND GO STREAM AND LISTEN TO MY SONGS ALREADY OUT ON ANY MUSIC MEDIA PLATFORM!

Follow Troi on Instagram and Twitter

Listen on Soundcloud, Spotify and Apple Music

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lainiebeauchemin · 6 years

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3 Playlists (prompt choice C, “something vexing”)

Always be prepared for anything. That’s my mantra.

Just kidding. My mantra is probably something more along the lines of “do whatever’s easiest for you in the moment and hope to God that things work out.” That’s actually worked pretty well for me so far (I got into the best school in the world, didn’t I?), but I guess that’s no reason to push my luck. So today I’m turning over a new leaf, and I’m making 3 new playlists.

Why, you ask? Because I’m going to college. And my boyfriend’s going to college. And those two colleges are nowhere near one another geographically. And also, we’re not planning on breaking up anytime soon.

This is a situation which to some seems unfathomable. I rarely voluntarily bring up my boyfriend in conversation with people I don’t know well, but those who go out of the way to ask about our plans for the future seem to regard it as their personal responsibility to convince me that I’m making a mistake. Really, it’s astounding how far over the line people will reach. No comment is too presumptuous — or too obvious. I’ve actually had someone whip out their phone and type the cities “Boston” and “Philadelphia” into Google Maps just to give me the exact number of miles of distance between the two, as though it would be news to me, as though the sheer figure would be enough to make me go “Wow! You’re right, trying to maintain a relationship would be silly! Aren’t I a disillusioned teenager blinded by infatuation!”

(In case you were curious: ^^)

These conversations always end with some variant of “But seriously, good luck,” which I always try to appreciate, because I know that most of these people truly do have my best interests at heart. They’re hoping for the best for me, they just want me to be prepared for the worst — probably because there’s a good chance that “the worst” is exactly how things will end. I’m not blind to that fact. I love my boyfriend. But a lot of things will change over the next few months, and I’ve seen firsthand how big changes can take things that were once so right and effortless and make them so that they just don’t fit anymore.

How to remain optimistic while bracing myself for the likely emotional fallout? How to remain grounded in reality without accepting defeat? There are a few ways this could go, and I’m preparing myself (as much as I can) to roll with ALL of the possible punches. Which is why I’m making 3 playlists. Everyone knows that a themed playlist is second only to therapy as far as emotional catharsis goes, so I’m making one for each possible outcome so that I’m not caught off guard without a good collection of music to put what I’m feeling into words. Here’s what I have so far.

(In the interest of avoiding cliché, I left out some of the more overused breakup songs, because let’s be real, “Someone Like You” and “Irreplaceable” go without saying.)

Playlist #1: Wow, long distance sucks, but other than that, things are going great!

Paris, Tokyo by Lupe Fiasco

You Got Me by The Roots, Erykah Badu

Old College Try by The Mountain Goats

See You Again by Tyler the Creator

Thinkin’ Bout You by Frank Ocean

Faithful by Common

Ours by Taylor Swift

A Summer in Ohio, sung by Anna Kendrick, from The Last Five Years

Sunday Candy by Donnie Trumpet and The Social Experiment

Angela by The Lumineers

Love by Kendrick Lamar

In the Aeroplane Over the Sea by Neutral Milk Hotel

Closer by The Tiny

Patience by The Lumineers

Playlist #2: You broke my heart and I am blocking out the pain with SMOLDERING RAGE.

I Used To Love You by Gwen Stefani

Swimming Pool by The Front Bottoms

Burn, sung by Phillipa Soo, from Hamilton

Congratulations, sung by Renée Elise Goldsberry, a Hamilton Outtake

Still Hurting, sung by Anna Kendrick, from The Last Five Years

Ex-Factor by Lauryn Hill

Another Suitcase in Another Hall, sung by Elaine Page, from Evita

Morning Song by The Lumineers

No Children by The Mountain Goats

The Story of Us by Taylor Swift

Good For You from Dear Evan Hansen

See, I’m Smiling, sung by Anna Kendrick from The Last Five Years

Baboon by The Mountain Goats

Despite What You’ve Been Told by Two Gallants

Playlist #3: Sometimes, the timing’s just not right.

Heard ‘Em Say by Kanye West

Solo by Frank Ocean

Tim McGraw by Taylor Swift

The Mess Inside by The Mountain Goats

Same Drugs by Chance the Rapper

Where Does the Good Go by Tegan and Sara

Close To You by Rihanna

Sometimes I Still Feel The Bruise by The Mountain Goats

Part Of Me by Neck Deep

No Hard Feelings by The Avett Brothers

Only Ones Who Know by The Arctic Monkeys

Ivy by Frank Ocean

The Driveway by Miley Cyrus

Self Control by Frank Ocean

Godspeed by Frank Ocean

Where the Skies are Blue by The Lumineers

Source Decay by The Mountain Goats

Woke Up New by The Mountain Goats

Against Pollution by The Mountain Goats

What I Did for Love from A Chorus Line

How by Regina Spektor

Wild Horses by The Rolling Stones

Big Girls Don’t Cry by Fergie

Stop Crying Your Heart Out by Oasis

This Too Shall Pass by Danny Schmidt

Those Days Are Gone, and My Heart is Breaking by Barton Carroll

Call Off Your Ghost by Dessa

Is all this just a way to distract myself from the fact that I’ll never be able to truly predict or prepare for heartbreak? Yeah, probably. It’s impossible to know what the future will hold, or if I’m making the right decision, or just how hard this will be. But if I find out that we can do this, then I’ll need a happy, I’m-so-in-love soundtrack to keep me company on the lonely days. And if things go south, hey, at least I’ll have a bumpin’ playlist to cry to.

Best,

Lainie <3

#something vexing #prompt choice c

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flourishedandsunkissed · 7 years

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Music: Personal Best of 2016

On the last day of 2016 I made a thread of the songs I thought were the best that year from albums I loved. This isn’t all inclusive or definitive. I also haven’t listened all the way through all of these albums, honestly, so some will just be songs that were introduced to me by Nathan Zed’s amazing playlists. Also, there will be A LOT of links here because you should listen to these songs. Here we gooo!

Infatuation - All-American Trash BROCKHAMPTON

This song. This mixtape. This group. I knew of Kevin Abstract because The Neighbourhood took him under their wing and had him open for them. I paid a little attention to him, but then Nathan Zed put Camp Green Lake on a playlist and I fell in love. I saw that the label was BROCKHAMPTON and I found just the name pleasing. I listened to Dirt and it was immediately what I wanted it to be. I decided to listen to their mixtape All-American Trash and was enthralled and infatuated (wink wink). It’s an incredible project and far from trash.

For this song in particular, I can’t even pin what I love--it’s everything. The melody, the strange second verse, the imagery it gives me, how cool it sounds, its flow, the beautiful way the singing, rapping, and beat come together. EVERYTHING.

Runners Up: Palace (very close second), Cotton Hollow

American Boyfriend - American Boyfriend Kevin Abstract

It is so hard to choose a favorite from this marvelous album. I thought MTV1987 was a masterpiece and Kevin kept tweeting his new album was “pop as f***.” I wasn’t sure I was ready. To be honest, it wasn’t my favorite upon first listen but I was into it. Then I decided I wanted to see him live and that I needed to appreciate the album in all its glory so I listened to it again and I had no idea what I was thinking before. It’s absolutely beautiful.

I think the titular song is my favorite, it’s exceptionally difficult to choose. I’m all about cinematics, and this song sounds like the slow motion sequence in every teenage romance movie you’ve ever seen--but in a good way. It’s simple but tells a story. It makes you want to slow dance at prom again then cry yourself to sleep. That may not sound appealing to some, but that’s pretty much my aesthetic.

Honorable Mention: Empty. Wow. This song. This is why it’s so hard to choose. Again, cinematic grandeur is highly appealing to me and the beginning of this song emulates that song. It sounds like a journey through a high school outcast’s day, you can see everything he’s going through. By the chorus, it appears to be a love song to another person, but it’s more about a vicious cycle of home struggles and consequent self-loathing. When looked at that way, the chorus sounds more like a deep need for support. I think it’s important that music tells an honest story and doesn’t try to be popular. Also, this song over all is just beautiful.

Runners Up (extremely close, basically they’re all in first): Empty, Miserable America

Me and Your Mama - “Awaken, My Love!” Childish Gambino

Most people have turned onto Redbone now, which is fine, but this song will always be close to my heart. I can envision this song, I’ve lived this song, and I’ve literally felt this song.

I was one of the lucky people that got to go to PHAROS back in September. Here’s the thing about Gambino: an album is not just a release, it’s an artistic event. He doesn’t put music out for money and notoriety, and doesn’t go halfway. I was too late for the era of Camp, but for Because the Internet, the man created a short film that connected BTI and Camp and wrote an entire screenplay for the album along with visuals for each song. For “Awaken, My Love!”, he brought PHAROS to life; a live album listening party/music festival. Complete with food trucks, an art gallery, and a theater to screen the first two episodes of Atlanta. And when he performed his album, he didn’t just sing his songs--he put on a show. I’ll go into more detail about it later, but this album was an event, not a music release.

I didn’t know the words or even the titles at the time, but Me and Your Mama was without a doubt my favorite when I heard it live. I didn’t even know it and I still fully appreciated it. When he released it and I finally got to hear the words, I was taken. I was already in love with him but this song made me go deeper. I remember saying, “This is the shortest 6 minute I’ve ever heard.” At a certain point with most songs that run long, you get bored. I’ve never got bored with this song, because like I said: I’ve lived this song.

For some people it’s lost love, for me it’s unrequited. It can go either way. But let me break this down.

In the first 2 minutes, I’m floating through space. A choir is singing me through space and what they’re saying may not completely make sense but in the most wonderful way. I can hear the stars twinkling. The bass begins to intensify and I’m rising and rising, and then it drops and I’m falling through a tear in the universe. I’m falling falling falling, there’s nothing I can do to catch myself. And the devil laughs at my demise. “LET ME INTO YOUR HEART.” I don’t have to write about that. I keep falling and it gets more desperate, you can hear it in Gambino’s voice. Even the choir screams. I’ve been falling for 2 minutes, then something catches me. And it becomes dejected acceptance. There are no lyrics, no choir, no twinkling stars or even laughing devil. I’m back on earth and I take a long walk home. For the last 2 minutes.

I’ve felt it too many times not to know. The song can feel different for everyone, it probably means something different to Gambino based on the title, but I know this is what it is for me.

I love it because of what it means, because the extremity, pain, and desperation in Gambino’s beautiful voice, because of the way he sectioned off, giving each a mind of its own that becomes one coherent story.

Runners Up: Redbone, Zombies

Janet - Berhana - EP Berhana

I’ll be honest, I haven’t listened to this whole EP, and I haven’t searched for a deep meaning in this song, I just like the way it sounds. It makes me want to sway in someone’s front yard and drink pineapple juice. I also love his voice. This was another song I found because of Nathan Zed.

Seigfried - Blond Frank Ocean

I’m not even really a Frank Ocean fan. I feel nothing about Channel Orange vs Blond/e, I have selective favorites on both albums. For this album, it was a labor to choose my favorite but I decided on Seigfried. Just because of the way it makes me feel. I also love singing along to it. It sounds like the kinds of movies I love watching and want to make. By now, you probably just think I’m an emo youngin. You’re... not wrong. But I’m okay with that. Because feeling people make some damn beautiful music. And art overall.

One thing I really love about this song is this sequence:

This, this fe-, this feel This feel, this feels This feels ironic This feels ironic Ironic, this feels ironic Ironic

If those are the lyrics, I’ve seen others. But it’s not about that. It’s about the fact that it restricts my breath. The fact that the confusion in the melody makes me tear up. In Flight of the Navigator, Gambino says, “And even when you laughed, you cried / And even when you were sad, you were really happy” and that part of Seigfried emulates that even better than Flight of the Navigator.

I also love Frank’s “monologue” toward the end; “Speaking of nirvana, it was there.” I can see it, I can feel it.

Runners Up: Pink + White, Skyline To, Self Control (they’re all in first place a third one is okay)

Slave - Bobby Tarantino Logic

I’m going to make a bit of a bold statement: Logic is the best rapper I listen to. As for discography and fan factor, I’m not as into him as I am Gambino, even Kanye. But his flow. Is unbelievable. When I was driving home today, this song came on and I just started screaming. 44 Bars and Deeper Than Money are extremely close seconds (that’s happened a lot while making this playlist and you can see). ANYWAY, what I’m saying is, his flow is the best out of all the rappers I listen to. It’s smooth as hell, rarely makes me laugh or shake my head, and puts me in awe of his talent no matter how many times I’ve heard the song. I can’t exactly explain why I chose this song over the other two, it just felt right.

Runners Up: 44 Bars, Deeper Than Money

All Night - Coloring Book Chance the Rapper

I wrote on twitter: “this song is so much fun it makes me wanna actually go outside & live.” That basically sums it up. I haven’t listened to all of Coloring Book yet because it takes me 20 years to get around to everything that’s good for me, but out of what I’ve heard, this is definitely my favorite. It makes me think one of the only parties I’ve actually had fun at and just puts me in a good mood, what else do I need? Yet another song Nathan Zed introduced me to.

Greedy - Dangerous Woman

Ariana Grande

I don’t care that Ariana Grande doesn’t write her own music and that all her songs are implicitly about sex, her talent is UNREAL. She’s one of the few uber famous pop divas that can actually sing and she’s not just “good.” Her voice gives me chills and she is a force to be reckoned with. Again, so hard to choose. It was even hard to choose the runners up. But Greedy had be from literally the first half a second. The first time I heard “GREEEEEDAAAYYYY” I thought, “THIS IS MY FAVORITE SONG.” This song is a ton of fun and just one that displays her vocal ability.

Honorable Mention: Leave Me Lonely. A powerful and deeply emotional song that she sings with such care. Another song I can feel and that definitely displays her range. Also, Macy Gray is a great addition.

Runners Up: Leave Me Lonely, Bad Decisions

Daydream - Single Medasin

I was introduced to Medasin through Masego who I was introduced to by--you guessed it--Nathan Zed. I love Masego and Medasin’s collaboration album and thought I should look a bit deeper into Medasin. This song makes me want to sway and salsa by the beach drinking limeade. It’s like I can taste and smell it. And I do think it perfectly characterizes a daydream.

Dang! - The Divine Feminine MAC MILLER

If there’s any album I know I need to listen to all the way through it’s The Divine Feminine. I’m getting there, I promise. Dang! is another song that’s too fun and too groovy. This was just about everyone’s favorite and it’s easily apparent why.

Runners Up: Stay, My Favorite Part

In Your River - Don’t Explain - EP Snoh Aalegra

This song gives me 60s nostalgia. It’s cinematic and marvelous. My brother explained that this style is called Brills Building. It’s quite reminiscent of the Mad Men theme for a reason. Also, it samples Stark’s Reality by BADBADNOTGOOD & Ghostface Killah. It all comes together wonderfully. This woman’s voice is incredible. It’s rough and smooth at the same time, and again, gives you 60s nostalgia from the upperclass side, even if you didn’t live through them.

Bad Blood - For All We Know NAO

If any song made me feel in 2016, it’s this one. It’s become the theme of a situation for me. Her voice is a new, refreshing one to me. She doesn’t “sound like” anyone to me. And I can identify with the hurt and contempt she emits through this song. Especially in the bridge. I haven’t listened to this whole album, but I know I should soon.

Highlights - The Life of Pablo Kanye West

I listened to this song just about every day for 3 weeks on my trek across campus to class. I love this album overall, although Graduation is my favorite, but I chose this one because it’s another that’s so much fun and that makes me want to go out, dance, and live. And the lyrics are GUTS.

Honorable Mention: Low Lights. The first time I heard it I thought, “oh that’s cool.” Then when I was really going through something and God kept me yet again, it hit my soul. All I can remember is raising my hand to Heaven, truly crying my soul out, and praising and thanking God for being so gracious and everything He’s done for me, especially when I didn’t deserve it. Because I never have. I still don’t. It’s not really Kanye’s song, but I’m grateful he put it on the album or I might’ve never heard it. I want a tattoo of a lyric from it, I just haven’t decided which.

Runners Up: Father Stretch My Hands, Pt. 1, Freestyle 4

Wifeable - Loose Thoughts Masego

This song, this album, this man -- all SO much fun. So carefree and joy-inducing. My roommate and I always used to dance to this song. And I just think it’s cute!

Honorable Mention: Small Talk. “Small talk, small talk, we don’t want no small talk / Dancin, dancin, yeah we love that dancin”: my absolute theme song. I hate small talk. I could write a book about the menial things I’d rather do. But you know what I love? DANCIN.

Runners Up: Small Talk, Too Much

For Free - Major Key DJ Khaled feat. Drake

I think there’s only one other song on this album that I really love, but that’s not the point. THIS SONG IS FIRE. MY ROOMMATE AND I BUMP THIS NIGHTLY. IN THE CAR, ON THE WAY TO CLASS, IN MY SLEEP. I LOVE THIS SONG. And the only song that can match that is: Child’s Play - Views Drake

I don’t care about Drake and I have no opinion about this album but TELL ME WHY THIS SONG BECAME MY LIFE. AGAIN: EVERY CAR RIDE WITH MY FRIENDS, ON THE WAY TO CLASS, IN MY SLEEP, NIGHTLY WITH MY ROOMMATE, EVERY PARTY, PROBABLY THE DAY I QUIT MY JOB I LOVE THIS SONG.

Outside - The Ride Catfish & the Bottlemen

At first 7 was my favorite song. I’m listening to it right now. It still is. But there’s something about Outside. There is something about Outside. I think because it’s so lovely but so desperate. It’s soft, longing and nostalgic, then aching, reluctant then forceful. Tortured. Regretful. Angrily apologetic. Then it starts all over again. It’s a painful memory and a remorseful giving in. I’m still trying to determine the significance of a cut-off instead of a true ending. It’s like an abrupt ending to the story, to the emotion. Like someone walked in you crying. Or invalidated your feelings.

Honorable Mention: 7. How could I not? My friend and I waited for this album for so long and finally someone put up a video of this song live. We were screaming our heads off. The last time Van cries, “And I’d beg you, but you know I’m never home / And I’d love you, but I need another second to myself” the emotion in his voice captures me. What I love about this album--and at first didn’t--is that every song is actually 2 or 3 songs. I plan on getting back to that thought.

Runnners Up: 7, Anything

Never Be Like You - Skin Flume

Another album and artist I’m sure I should listen to more of. This is one of the only songs that was playing everywhere all the time that I didn’t get sick of. Simply because it’s so beautiful. “Stop looking at me / with those eyes / like I could disappear / and you wouldn’t care why.”

Don’t Come to LA - Still Brazy YG

I’m not a YG fan and I don’t think gangs are cool. But some of his music is so hype I become a bit of a hypocrite. Not in the way that I support gang violence but that I support a gang member by bumpin his music because it’s too lit. I don’t want to but it’s SO GOOD. I love his West Coast sound.

Runners Up: Why You Always Hatin?, Twist My Fingaz

untitled 08 | 09.06.2014. - untitled unmastered. Kendrick Lamar

This song is sad in content, but it makes me want to dance. Not really out of joy, but for my goals and dreams. In “Sonny’s Blues,” James Baldwin writes, “...Sonny was playing that piano for his life.” That’s what it reminds me of. Although I’ve been quite privileged throughout my life, this song still resonates with me.

You’re banking on good luck, you wishing for miracles You never been through shit, you’re crying hysterical You settle for everything, complain about everything

This part of the third verse struck me when I paid close attention one day. I felt so condemned. This is entirely accurate in my life. Although I have been through some things, my parents still sheltered me. I’ve never been through anything like Kendrick’s been through. I shouldn’t compare, but I know I’ve had a fairly easy life. I’m so grateful, but having things handed to me has put me in the niche of settling when I can get or deserve better. And man, if I don’t complain about everything. How do I have the audacity? Overall this song means much more than just what that verse means to me, but it’s important either way.

However, when I just listen on the surface, it makes me want to flashback to the 70s and rollerskate/dance through San Francisco.

Vowels - Single HUNNY

HUNNY is just an amazing band. Their music is melancholy but makes you want to dance. The way The Breakfast Club makes you feel.

Do You Wanna Get High - Single BAD FEELINGS

I don’t remember how I came across this song, but it’s unquestionably sexy. I quickly considered it one of the best songs I’ve ever heard. I don’t even do drugs. And this isn’t even about the way it makes me feel, it’s just a well-written song in every aspect. And the raw emotion in the singer’s voice makes me love it more. And that guitar solo.

24K Magic - 24K Magic Bruno Mars

When this song dropped I said, “Bruno Mars know what I want.” I actually didn’t get too into this album and my mom thinks this is just Uptown Funk part 2, but I’m here for it. I love the 70s and it gives me a neo-70s (although others have said 80s... I guess a little bit of both). And you can’t not dance to this.

Honorable Mention: Perm. Another seriously fun song. That’s all.

That’s that. If you read through this whole thing, thank you! And thank you Nathan Zed for introducing me to some fantastic music.

#music #brockhampton #kevin abstract #nathan zed #childish gambino #ariana grande #kanye west #catfish and the bottlemen

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