#on like one of those am I the asshole update subs. I fucking love those
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This is why I read the reddit comments
#on like one of those am I the asshole update subs. I fucking love those#this one was swill tho comment op is right#art philosophy tag
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Me (your Berry 🫐) pretending to be cool and talk about other things like I'm not dying to ask you for an estimated time for the next update haha 🫣😶🌫️🙏🏼
But Hey! Yeees to all the things you told me!! I know I'll love anything and everything you came up with 🔥♥️🔥I'm a huge fun. And about my dom comment I 100% understand what you meant I never took part in BDSM / Dom-sub relationship but I had read and researched a lot because I'm actually very interested about it so I can't wait for your writing. I'm trying to come up with what I was trying to say with that my English is not Englishing to night haha sorry!
Kisses kisses. ❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥
Ps: you know what I would love to read for some trashy rom-com a rich brat sub and and a normal working Dom (do tired of Doms being rich and subs poor and I know that those novels don't pretend to be good but be a lil less 50 shades cliche) but that make me think of an alternative universe Ancel/Berenguer. Rich Influencer/Actor Ancel X Lawyer/Manager Berenguer haha
Lmao! Sometime in the next couple of days, I promise! Like, maybe tomorrow night? Check me out being vaguely consistent??? Who is she? LMAO
Omg I only meant that my writing probably wasn't going to be "typical expectations" worthy and I was trying to prepare you so you weren't disappointed, it wasn't me being mean! I am so sorry if it read that way! Please, I'm sorry!
Never apologise for that, I speak one language, the fact that you are fluent in several is mind blowing and super fucking cool and it is always perfect 💕
Yes! honestly the class thing bothers me so much cos it screams rich asshole-just-likes-to-get-his-own-way-therefore-must-be-dominant lmao. In reality like, those dudes are usually the one's who would PAY to have someone tie them up and bruise them hahaha
So here for Rich!Ancel and working class Berenger, that would be so so fun, throw in some kind of spicy forbidden aspect, like, Berenger works for Ancel's father? Something like that? That's my sweet spot haha! 💕💕
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So, I have followers now. That’s fucking rad.
Thanks for the follow and liking the piece. Still trying to find MollyPops, so if anyone knows, let me know.
A little introduction:
I am a 39 yr old bi/pan (working through where I feel I am) guy in the Midwest. I’m married, I’m poly and up until last year, I was very much a switch. But I got super lucky and started a relationship with a woman I’ve known for well over a decade. She was dating one of my friends and we had instant chemistry. I was also in a relationship at the time, and DEEPLY unhappy. Of course I didn’t know it, or I didn’t want ti admit it. One night, the night that Spider-Man 3 came out, I pulled her aside to talk about her boyfriend’s upcoming birthday. We talked, the was a beat, we looked into each other’s eyes and we kissed. And it was the single best kiss of my entire life. Yes, more than my first kiss with my wife or our first kiss as husband & wife. Life happened, we both moved on from those partners, both moved. Ended up in the same city, had some wild times in 2016-2018 and then we both went through changes. Fast forward to 2020, wife and I start a very long talk that ends with us being open and poly. And in 2022 I finally made it work with my now girlfriend/Domme/High Priestess (she is a very powerful witch)/Goddess/Mommy. I’m insanely happy.
I’m also much more submissive now. I was always sub with men but I am now much more submissive in general. And my gf, let’s call her Kaye, is VERY dominant. She knows exactly what to do to bring me in line and ready to serve. She is sweet and gentle and also rough, aggressive and likes to make me whimper. It’s the best.
I’m also very much looking for a man. Really want a Daddy Dom. Had an experience when I was 16 (not family, very consensual, will post that soon) that made me very much into dominant men. It’s harder than one thinks to find that, or at least find a guy that’s real, not an asshole and can host (we don’t have anyone to the house). But the search continues.
I am a nerd. I love music, movies, video games, podcasts, sports, reading, theater, trying new food, craft beer and bourbon. I’m getting into trading card games, Flesh & Blood specifically.
I plan on posting random thoughts, life updates, kinky memes, pics and videos and also original content. Kaye and I are in the early stages of making an OnlyFans. So I’ll be posting some teasers, previews and such. I will also be filming stuff with guys, hopefully that Daddy Dom I’m looking for but def some guys I play with. Hope you like seeing some VERY rough deepthroat and some nasty kink play. 😈
So that’s me. Hope you stick around, this is gonna be fun. And here is the list of goals I have for 2023…when it comes to sex. You know, the real important stuff! 🤣
#introduction#polyamory#pansexual#biseuxal#bd/sm dom#spicy content#submisive and breedable#he gets pegged#bd/sm kink#collar
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Random Relationship Headcanons | Felix Escellun x gn!reader
a/n: Hey ! On todays menu I am serving you modern au relationship headcanons. I know for a fact that I can’t write headcanons AT ALL yet here we are, out of spite I will keep trying until I can manage to write good shit. I’m going through a chaotic time in my life so please be patient with me 😭
I’m currently working on tattoo artist! reader x Felix headcanons and college!enemies to lovers one-shot. Knowing that Felix’s fav trope is enemies to lovers, I will post it hopefully before his new chapter drops. I used most of the hcs that were sent to me but if you couldn’t see yours, then it will probably be used on the other works.
No beta we die like men.
warnings: curse words, nsfw under the cut, random sage moments, felix being a ‘the neighborhood’ song basically.
You persuade him to start an Instagram account, and because of his family's popularity, he quickly gains followers. His account is practically empty because he would rather spend his time stalking your account on Instagram. You noticed the emptiness and wanted to take him out and take some photos for his account, which turned out amazingly. He is a little camera shy, so be patient with him.
You like to watch him apply his eyeliner but he finds it so stressing to do under your gaze. He used to be able to do it easily, but it has now become one of his most difficult tasks. You wanted to ask for his assistance in applying eyeliner to you in the hopes of making it simpler for him; he agreed but quickly regretted it when he realized how near your faces would be. You with your eyes closed, waiting for him to drag the line as he was only thinking about how bad he wanted to kiss you. 
Felix has a Polaroid of you and stella in his wallet I said what I said.
When it comes to himself, he can be a pessimist, but when it comes to you, he is the most loving and positive boyfriend you could ever ask for. You have a dream ? He is ready to help you achieve it. Do you want to change in your life ? Go for it, He’s more excited than you are.
He can be quite insecure at times when it comes to your relationship because he feels like you deserve the world but the world is too big for his tiny hands. Will his cuddles be enough ? God he hopes so.
He almost cried when you told him you loved him for the first time. He's also baffled as to how you might feel the same way about him.
Drunk Felix is really clingy and honest. Whatever he can’t say sober drunk felix can and definitely will.
“May the stars let my death be between your glorious thighs amen-“
“Felix-”
Felix is weird but it add to his charm. It’s not unusual for you to wake up in the middle of the night and find the pillow besides yours empty. In the dead of night, you will find Felix munching on some weird ass food combinations.
He also has a habit of doing things that are extremely adorable without even noticing it. Like walking around the house in his oversized shirts, his hand clutching at the cuffs whilst the other one sheepishly rubs his eye.
“Can I lay on your lap ? I promise I won’t fall asleep. I just need to rest for a little.” His voice is so soft and hushed.
“Of course, come here.” He throws himself onto you as he comes hopping on his tip toes.
He falls asleep on his desk too often, so you have to carry him back to his room, where he snuggles against you while you lead him there. Once he's in his room, he insists that you stay with him, so you wait until he falls asleep as you play with his hair, and he wakes up thinking it was all a dream.
I firmly believe that Felix’s love language is acts of service. Like making you coffee and bringing you random snacks as you work or wrapping you up in fluffy blankets whenever he catches you slacking on the couch.
He's been romanticizing anything and everything since he met you. When he sees beautiful flowers, he wants to bring them to you, but he also believes that their beauty stems from the fact that they are alive, so he argues and stresses a lot when deciding what to do in simple situations like these.
His edginess belongs to his impulsiveness and his style only at any other situation he's a complete softboy.
And I'm certain he knows a variety of card tricks. He enjoys showing off, and he enjoys it even more when you become fascinated and beg him to share the trick.
If you're a morning person, you'll probably spend your mornings alone in solitude, finishing work before the day begins, but if you're a night owl, you and Felix will go out for night walks and Felix would go out for night walks, sharing headphones to play some music, enjoy each others presence and develop a habit of watching the sunrise together.
Felix makes you playlists at the most random times and with the most random names. Until one day he sent you a playlist at around 4 a.m called “you”, filled with his favorite music. He usually sees music as a safe space for himself and now that you are his safe place too it’s only appropriate for him to do so. This only further proves how he spends his time thinking about you.
I feel like Felix would have what most would call "attachment issues" but it’s mainly because of his protective tendencies. This is not to say that he’s this "overly jealous toxic" character; rather, he has never had anyone to truly call his own in his entire life so he would do anything to protect it.
Felix is also big on astrology, so if you want the perfect birth chart, he'll give it to you. Also he owns a lovely deck of tarot cards, and if you ask him for a love reading, he can't manage to keep his words and feelings to himself so he modifies your reading according to him and his desires. Let the boy abuse his powers for the sake of love.
His style could be described as dark academia, his wardrobe mainly consists of dark colors, lots and lots of blazers and a lot of oversized shirts. He also loves jewelry so he owns a lot of rings and chains. Just so you know, if you're wearing any of his rings, his heart is doing cartwheels.
Is it obvious that he loves it when you place your hand in his and play with his rings with your fingertips.
Spoil him. Buy him that baby blue hoodie with cat ears.
“Ah, you look adorable.”
“Isn’t it a bit too b-big ?”
“You could say that. Do you mind ?”
“No, I like it that way.”
“I would know.” You smirk followed by felix’s gasp.
“If you so desperately wanted a cat boy you know you have me right ?” Nudging your shoulder, Sage leapt into the conversation.
“What is he talking about ?” Felix grumbled, only to notice two fuzzy triangular fabrics on top of his head as he brushed his fingertips over it.
He’s obsessed with your hands, kissing your knuckles, drawing circles in your palm. At a certain point it became an involuntary gesture he does it quite often without realizing.
He’s also canonically extremely blushy but he would never admit it. You’re convinced he uses some sort of make up because it is not possible for the pink dusting his cheeks to look this good.
He insists that you’re cold even in the warmest weathers because he wants to see you in his coat.
Sage forces Felix to take his thirst trap Tiktoks.
He really appreciates it when you add to his herbal tea collection without him noticing and he considers it a sign of affection because he takes his tea very seriously.
He loses it when you call him baby he gets flustered and frustrated but it’s all because it rolls off of your tongue so nicely that he can’t get enough of it.
Felix owns a broad collection of scented lip balms some of them are tinted. You didn’t hear this from me.
He never once took anything the Sage says seriously until he saw how well you two got along. He never thought that he would be standing there taking relationship and flirting advice from the frat boy.
Felix is a complete asshole when he wants to. He’s very verbal about it too. Consistent sarcastic remarks and eye rolls. I mean it runs in his blood, look at Escell.
You love it when he suddenly whips out the confident Felix, it’s not a daily occurrence you know.
When Felix is concentrated, he’s lost and there’s almost no way you or anything else can distract him. So it’s time to grab some colorful hair clips and ties to fuck around with his hair.
Felix is not the best at verbally expressing his gratitude towards you. He doesn’t know what he would do if you weren’t there for him at the lowest points of his life where normally he would close himself and bare the weight of his family problems and personal life issues that he can’t seem to get out of. Now he has you, someone who’s willing to listen to him and offer him a warm embrace when he needs the most. 
While you to play games together, when he wins he wears that iconic shit eating grin of his with pride looking at you through the corner of his eye. “Shit, what do you want me to say to that felix ? Perhaps I should call you master now that you won ‘one’ fucking round.” He is praying that the screen light is covering the fact that he is a blushy mess after hearing you say that.
NSFW
I cannot stress this enough but he is extremely vocal in bed. Whining, trying to restrict himself from making too much noise but failing miserably.
Muffled pants, choked sobs and lots of pleasure infused tears.
He loves getting praised during sex but what he loves more is to get praised after it’s all over. Like you telling him how great he was, how well he behaved, how good he made you feel. He experiences sub drops a lot so please assure him that he did well :(
He’s into power-play but not in a submissive or dominant kind of relationship, it’s more of a psychological thing where the fact that he can see how good he makes you feel gives him a rush of confidence and adrenaline.
I believe that this motherfucker is a masochist, pain makes him more excited than getting an update on his favorite author who went on a year long hiatus and that is saying a lot.
Bite him. Scratch him. It is so stimulating for him he can reach his high just from those actions.
Fuck do anything to his ears bite, lick, pull, blow on it. He is extremely sensitive so anything you do will basically drive him out of his mind. It will most definitely lead to him trembling beneath your fingertips.
You must think that you are the only one who is such a tease but you’re wrong. Felix teases you quite often mostly to direct your attention towards him or to keep your attention on him. He’s quite greedy when it comes to you and your hands on his body. Unbuttoning unnecessary amount of buttons on his shirt to show a little skin that he knows you’ll notice. Playing with his necklace placing the chain between his lips dragging it towards the inside of his bottom lip teasing the metallic charm with the tip of his tongue. He definitely ain’t oblivious he knows exactly what he’s doing and he makes sure that you know exactly what he’s doing.
When he’s in the mood he will tug the hem of your top meanwhile his eyes are glued to the floor or graze the temples of his glasses between his lips, his teeth lightly nibbling the pointy edge. He loves to play dumb too. When you question him, he acts like he doesn’t intend anything and that you need to get your head out of the gutter.
At the end of the session Felix looks divine. Drool leaking down from his bottom lip to his jaw line towards his neck, his bangs sticking on his sweat coated forehead, his chest rising up and down quickly. His eyes rolled at the back of his head, his hands still clutching tightly to the sheets. Faint whimpers and deep breaths filling the air.
Leading up to the after care, his shy self returns. He buries his face to your chest hiding his blushy cheeks beneath the palms of his hands.
He likes to experiment a lot and you are his favorite subject.
It shouldn’t be surprising to find random kink definitions or role-play ideas on the search history of your laptop. After all Felix just asked for it to write an email, that’s all there is to it. That’s until you offer to try them out.
He doesn’t act upon his jealousy, what he does instead is that leaving marks on you especially around your neck and your chest where he knows it will show. Don’t cover them up if you don’t wanna deal with him.
“People just don’t appreciate art anymore.”
“Felix these are, hickeys.”
“Oh so now you are judging my art medium ?”
“Since when proving Sage that I got railed by you is a form of art ?”
I didn’t see anyone point this out but whenever he is in the sub space he tends to be more on the bratty side. He starts of shy but his confidence builds up as the tension rises. Meaning that you should be ready to get your patience tested.
When you two are in separate places your suggestive words and tone leads up to phone sex, which Felix secretly fantasized about a lot. What made everything even more dirty was the fact that you didn’t know that he was laying on your bed surrounded by your scent and humping your pillow. Once you come back home you are greeted with a fresh pair of sheets on your bed. Apparently Felix decided to do you a favor and clean your room as well as the the whole house. He’s crossing fingers that you don’t notice because he knows that he’ll never hear the end of it.
Felix knows a lot about sex but his knowledge is based upon fiction rather than experience. So, naturally, he is more interested about learning specifically how your body responds to certain actions, what you enjoy and what you’re interested in so teach him. He’s a good student and oh well he’s a quick learner.
Pull his hair pull his hair put his hair pull his hair pull his hair pull his hair pull his hair pull his hair.
When he settles between your legs as he ties his hair, he places the hairband between his lips and looks up at you with half lidded eyes. It’s his definition of torture.
Even though he doesn’t give off that vibe, he is very freaky if you would’ve known what his AO3 tags consisted of you would agree.
Tag list is open
#felix escellun#felix#fictif felix#last legacy#fictif#fictif last legacy#nyx hydra#felix escellun x reader#felix x reader#mc#felix fictif
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Fate The Winx Commentary
Good morning internet! Today is the drop of Winx: Riverdale edition! I sure hope you're ready for my aggressive and unnecessary commentary, because it is coming for you either way!
The netflix landing page lets us know:
Fate The Winx Saga
6 episodes, 48-53 minutes each
"Genres: Fantasy TV Shows, Teen TV Shows, Italian TV Shows"
"This show is: Emotional"
As mentioned elsewhere, my Winx knowledge is limited, so I will be coming into this fairly fresh and will try to be unbiased. As I have seen trailers, the keyword here is Try.
Episode 1
'To the Waters and the Wild'
CW: Animal Death, Swears, Implied Child Death, Blood, Implied Teen Sex, Burns, Weed, Fatphobia, Whatever the term pussie falls under
Episode 1 TL;DR: We meet everyone, learn their dynamics, have the basics of the magic system beat into us, meet our monsters, and name drop Harry Potter. Standard first episode stuff.
I do want it on record before we start that I got about halfway into the first season of Riverdale, and the first season of Netflix Sabrina. They were, well, bland and boring imo? I did get through a few seasons of Teen Wolf, but that's because it was capable of Fun and Jokes. My current expectations are a few unintentionally funny lines, maybe some almost decent magic effects, and because it's 2021, one whole gay character (I did hear one of the boys (there are boys?) is bi, but also an asshole so I'm hoping for some wlw)
TV-MA LANGUAGE AND SMOKING OH FUCKING BOY
Almost full moon (waxing) in opening shot- I Will be tracking moon inconsistencies if it keeps showing up that is a pet peeve but hey look a bunch of sheep
That's a good start (it's ominous though. don't hurt the sheep)
Swears count: Feckin' 2
Mystical portal barrier. Oh yeah s5 of the magicians is on netflix now
WELP THOSE ARE SHEEP GUTS RIGHT OUT THE GATE HUH For CW it's up a tree, and the dripping blood is a good warning of what's about to be seen
:( oh and then the man who was looking for the sheep dies offscreen save for a spray of blood. THIS ISN'T YOUR CHILD'S WINX CLUB it seems to say. I assume. How much blood was in the original winx because this is already at least a full cup.
(Also the monster noises for whatever was chasing the man (werewolf it was a werewolf trailers are bad guys) were not very good)
Opening credit scene is 5-6 different blooming elemental wings. They're pretty, but it's unclear if the last one is secret 6th member wings (because the second to last ones are fire which is the main character's element right?) so maybe we'll get a late 6th addition? (I am in I.T. please give me the most relatable character you cowards)
KIDS IN THE CORNER BY AMBER VAN DAY PLAYING
I like where they shot this but that might just be european woods pretty. The opening location was nice and mossy save for the sheep blood
Fancy big stone school establishing shots (it's nice, and huge) and we land on a red head who seems less than pleased to be here
Courtyard shot of... whatever the name of the replacment plant girl is, holding a tray of various potted plants for an older man (father? first day of school send off maybe?)
Aisha(?) walks by, not talking to anyone, Stella(?) is taking Magical!Selfies with at least 3 other girls, Musa(?) has a suitcase and headphones and smiles at a passing girl
Oh boy a boy with a pocketknife doing little tricks with it! Nothing says edgy like an actual knife edge.
Gonna take this moment to point out I have some level of face blindness and while the girls all look fairly different from one another, if there is more than one tall blonde white boy as I fear there may be, I WILL NOT be able to tell them apart. Not through maliciousness, just general incompetence, so anything I say about the boy characters (I want to say they're the knights to the girl's faeries? is that right? this whole thing smacks of gender) should be taken with a heap of salt
I've come to accept tv just. displaying text messages on screen as a storytelling method. It's never my favorite but it just Is a modern story element. Also Bloom needs to meet stella at the alfea gates
Alfea I presume is the school- does the name mean something? It sure feels like the word elf and therefore fae but I don't feel like googling anything this early in
Oh look two more blondish tall white boys. Pocketknife was wearing something else i think, one guy has a brown jacket and pink shirt (bad combo), the other looks old even by tv highschool/college standards and his jacket has a jock vibe. Jock jacket also has an earring? Is this the bi character who is an asshole? From this one second of him, only in profile, I will assume yes, he is an asshole
I like Bloom's backpack
Pink shirt looks at Bloom from across the quad. I am already tired of this romance
Cool he walks up to someone he has identified as lost, and is 'impressed with [her] confidence in the face of complete ignorance' COMING OUT OF THE GATE WITH A NEGG HUH PINKY
He even states he wasn't offering help Then Why Are You Talking To Her Jackass
Subs are going with the fairy spelling, and Bloom confirms she is a fairy and we confirm this is College. Unless this is a european thing where they call schools different things. I think that's just for public and private? And maybe just england? I'm American all they teach us is 1492-ww1 over and over for like. 10 years sorry Rest of the World
'What Realm are you from?' 'California' Speaking of ameri-centric, I'm gonna Guess that original Winx, the italian cartoon, didn't have their main character be from cali usa? I am presuming this is a side effect of making this property for a more global distribution than I'm guessing winx was originally conceived as back in the early 00s
The Otherworld. I assume this is the fairy realm and whatnot? And the magic school. Seems to be located behind a magical barrier in the earth realm?? If that's right it seems weird if basically everyone who goes to the school is from the otherworld
Pinky doubles down on his rudeness but in a Fun and Cute way because :/ and the Specialist hall is Very Pretty, oh and there's a fairy hall. Are specialists the boy...things? magi knights? bros of the blade? guys who wear those 'here come a special boy' sneakers from that one comic?
Stella sees this conversation which is great because they drop the term mansplain. why would otherworlders know that term even???
Edgey(?) sees Pinky and they hug it out
Stella knows Americans are the type to wander off so I guess there's a lot of inter-world connections?
Miss Dowling- is this teacher going to be like the pedo in riverdale who got *checks notes* killed off by one of multiple serial killers later on?
Dowling is the headmistress, gotta keep the otherworld a secret from earthers, time and place for portal making. all standard fantasy stuff so far, nothing to make this stand out
Stella has a gateway ring, and frankly isn't too nice? all the backgrounders clothing is Bland and very normal
7 realms of the otherworld, Solaria is where Alfea is, i like magic globe
Incase you forgot this was a modern tale, people update their insta stories here.
'I was kindof bummed I didn't see a single pair of wings' YOU AND ME BOTH BLOOM
'We had wings in the past, transformation was lost, tinkerbell was an air fairy' This is either a cop out for your glittery cowardice, or a set up for the main girls re-finding transformation magic later. I did like the Tink bit
Bloom is a fire fairy and the subtext of this conversation is that bloom's magic did Something bad. I hope it was burn down her old school's gym a la buffy movie
I like miss Dowling but in the I wouldn't Be Surprised if you turned out to be Evil way, and I guess Alfea is a very privileged upper crust school. What types of college do normal fairies go to then huh? damn privileged fairies
'our students have gone on to do amazing things like re-discover long lost magics' We Get It. You will give me Wings, but Only If I'm Patient
Dowling throws a jab at Bloom about power control, but I like her necklace so It's Fine
Bloom video calls her parents while unpacking in the dorm, which may have come pre-fit with a heck ton of board games? Love it. Or new plant girl brought them along with her many plants
Stella has a fancy mirror and lots of jewelry and fashion photos and makeup, Musa has a laptop and apparently not much else, gotta get those establishing personalities down I guess
'Ladies of the Flies honey don't be sexist' Bloom's dad for feminist of the year (these jokes are bad but i guess we can call it a dad joke as justification)
Asiha gives Bloom a look and saves her from the call with her parents- yay friendship step one achieved
Blooms parents think she's in the alps because magic secrets and what not
Aisha asks bloom if she's never read harry potter and I guess Bloom is a potterhead (that's the term right?). Is this self awareness that all magical school fantasy series have the same basic bricks?
Bloom is a ravenclaw sometimes slytherin, Aisha is a Gryffindor
Stella is changing because she's the fashion one and has a fun pastel rainbow skirt, and uses magic to make a real aggressive lamp. She's also a mentor (maybe older than the others by a bit?)
I am assuming Stella here is something along the lines of a diplomats daughter the way she talks about appearances. She better get down and dirty later on to show her growth about how some things are more important than looks yada yada
Fairy magic powered by strong emotions, i am waiting for bloom's backstory to be movie x-men rogue style tragedy
Terra! Which. Of course is the Plant Fairy's name. Stella is a little mean to her about the plants and she takes it with a smile and some subtle snark back using classic literature Oh that's fun
Terra points out the name-plant thing, and name drops her cousin Flora. That's. The one they replaced with Terra right? Terra's dad works in the greenhouse at the school which explains earlier (and her mum is named rose)
Stella is indeed a second year and Musa's eyes change for. Lie detecting magic? and loves her headphones (Overstimulation?)
Aisha wants somewhere to swim and we cut to a 'pond' by specialist training. Assuming she wants to sim because she's a water fairy, why Don't they have a pool? also this pond looks. Unpleasant for swimming
Girl specialist! Does that mean we have boy fairies?
Boys. Fighting. Talking about girls. All gingers are nuts. Thanks edgelord AMAZING SHAGS THOUGH 'I didn't realize your hand was a red-head' it's not truly edge if we don't talk about sex every 10 minutes
Subtitles earlier only said boy 1 boy 2 but now pinky or edgy is Riv
Edgy smokes weed, and pinky is a big brother figure to him, and the head? of the special boys doesn't like edgy. Me neither older guy
Bit of swordplay, more girls, every specialist has black training outfits, very military
Pinky is Sky who is son of Guy of Place. an important lad. without context this is meaningless to me
There's a giggly boy who laughs at the idea of a war in the future and gets a talking to. I suspect this boy will be re-occurring enough to die- he has those tertiary character elements with his intro and such (and he's black so I am prepared for your standard racist murder choices)
Burned Ones exist outside the barrier, which makes me wonder if dead shepard was in the otherworld? There was nothing establishing that he was in any type of Other place but :/
Oh look edgey is having a smoke cross the barrier while we learn about the creatures that live beyond it. Time to find out these creatures no one young has ever seen are still kicking
Specialist leader had to kill his own pa after a burned one got him. They also. Used a shotgun when trying to fight it. Do specialists even have powers or are they just good with weapons?
Edgey finds the shepards corpse. Mostly blood
'it's been 16 years since the last sighting' 'Rosalind killed all the burned ones' ahh magical creature genocide hey when is abarat 4 coming out. and is rosalind hot?
School, gossip, Aisha and Musa are snarking at Tera for thinking the guy died of natural causes because we need to have these characters not actually like each other to make it stand out when they do
Aisha talks about how she eats a lot and if she didn't swim she'd be massive and we cut to the plus sized tera looking uncomfortable are we really doing this?
Tera points out that Musa was ignoring her earlier and it's all just uncomfortable and not great character conflict (but I thought I saw Musa holding an honest to god ipod? it's blue but it could be a phone case. Her hand is in the way)
tera and dad interaction is nice, i'm also convinced they couldn't afford more than 3 magic adults
Girl with braids and metal in her hair! There were witches in winx right? Like 3 minor antagonist girls? I assume this is one of them. Because she has alternative fashion and is therefore evil /s
Beatrix. Names in this series leave something to be desired (that something is subtly. I get it, they're carry overs from a series for a younger audience, she-ra had the same issue, but i can still poke fun)
Swear count: Arsehole 2 Bollocks 1 Shit 1
She's a weird ass kissing with clearly ulterior motives
Bloom is Studying and her notebook is just FAIRY MAGIC POWER = EMOTIONS LOVE FEAR? HARTED? FIRE FAIRY CONTROL? in case you weren't paying attention
Oh a flashback already to the magic triggering event? Her mother had pointed out she's an introvert, and past!Bloom doesn't Party. She goes Antiquing and is a Weird Loner (her 'basic bitch' of a mom's words)
Swear count: Bitch 1
Bad daughter count: 1 Bad mother count: 1 Magic glowy eyes for Bloom: 1
Bloom Hates Parties and asks Pinky I mean Sky where she can be Away from People and he fears he'll be Mansplaing to her to. vague that it's dangerous outside instead of saying 'hey there's monsters and someone was just killed by possible one of them stay in the barrier'
Stella wants to talk to Sky because they have History. I did hear there was a love triangle between these three. I am bored and everyone at this party is a nosey bitch who is watching their tense conversation. Also Something? Happens when Stella gets upset
[mystical warbling]
Random magic effects in the (very pretty) forest
Bloom is trying to practice her magic on her own, and to do that she's gotta look at sad teen pics. And look, her burnt bedroom from her first power usage
The fire magic is pretty good. I think fire is like. the opposite of water when it comes to cg where it almost always looks pretty good, while I swear i've seen the actual ocean look like a shitty render
Magic out of control, bloom can't control her emotions, Aisha can stop her with water magic which makes some nice steam
Bloom is angry at aisha for saving her. So far 3 of the 5 girls are abrasive at best remember when people made characters likeable?
Swear count: Shit 1 (but it doubles as the literal meaning because of flooded toilets)
Swear count: Bitch 1 Ass 1
Taking away your teen's door is. Really shitty. Not almost burn down your house worthy but damn cheerleader mom
I do not understand sleep shirts with buttons. That seems painful if you lie the wrong way?
Her mom was seriously burnt by first magic usage that's a backstory
Shit count +1
Main character aspect time: dormant fairy blood line? awfully strong magic for that. baby who died day after it was born and now she's here? ...I was going to say changeling thanks aisha
A Barbaric practice loving hints at long term world lore
Hell is a bad word for kids!!
Cutting to headmistress and her secret passage after finding out bloom is secret pureblood? this really is a harry potter thing
edgelord offers giggly some booze, and says pussies twice because he's Edgey and does peer pressure
Tera calls him out and knows he's a sad nerd in disguise not a 'badass' and he says she's 'three people in disguise' because fatphobia
shit +1
arehole +1
tera. chokes out edgelord with a vine because she's had enough of this shit. good for her
edgelord is Riv, and he lived
OBLIGATORY GOOGLE SEARCH FOR THE TERM CHANGELING REMEMBER BELLA'S VAMPIRE GOOGLE GOD I LOVE TEEN FANTASY AND THEIR INSTANCE ON GOOGLING COMMON FANTASY TERMS
OH hey the lamp bloom brought with her is the one she was fixing at home that's a nice touch
Stella bonds with Bloom about homesickness, and the takes a selfie
Musa is a mind fairy. So she. Is a telepath with purple eye magic? Oh there's types of 'connections' Memory, thought (others but i am cut off from the lore)
Stella did Something to someone who Talked To Her Man last year and now lent Bloom her teleportation ring to send her some because miss mentor really cares more about her shitty man then helping the girls she's in charge of
First World- earth
Old Cemetery? Very Sexy. and bloom sweetie don't leave a mystical gateway open, and how will you explain to your parents how you're back so fast
Wait she's only 16? SO this really is some european college where that's a funny way of saying High School
Fire guilt, bad feelings about life shattering revelations, better connection with mother. I gotta say I have low expectations of this show carrying the family connection through the rest of this. That conversation felt more like a Hey We Made These Movements Onto Other Stuff Now
Lighting choices are interesting, with green, orange and purple for creepy warehouse. THE Creepy Warehouse where she would sleep without her parent's knowledge wow right that
GIRL DROPS THE DAMN RING AT THE FIRST SIGN OF burned one looked more alien than werewolf-y here
Decent Horror movie looks, and dude stole her ring. Rude. Saved by the headmistress, and tera/aisha/musa are here to great her
Stella can't be here though because she has to greet a half naked freshly showered sky because life is suffering and producers insist people like to see teens half naked (who. Who?)
shit +1 and she dumped him. pity part of one and using it to try to get your bone on.
HEY A SONG I KNOW. IT'S WHATSITCALLED FROM THE BAYONETTA COMMERCIALS WAY BACK WHEN. in for the kill la roux. I do wish netflix would either commit to telling you what song was playing or didn't tell you at all
Riv offers Beatrix a hit from his joint because what Is a Bad Kid hasn't changed in like 70 years
Blowing pot smoke into someone's mouth isn't as sexy as ya'll seem to think it is
Musa has cute sleep socks with little pom poms, and I love Tera's floral jammies
Tera offers a bluetooth speaker so they can listen to music together
Musa also calls out Tera's fake happiness this is the good shit character interaction i live for
Musa Empath Mind Fairy
'somber indie music'
If you kill a burned one in the human world Something? Extra bad happens?
So the headmistress knows Bloom's a changeling, and ohhh that's the last time a burned one was spotted. Is Rosalind the famed Monster Slayer the birth mother of Bloom?
Tera text flirts with Giggly who IS NAMED DANE and has a thing for. Sky? Riv? I told you these boys all look the same to me so if it's a half naked pic on fairy insta i'm out of context clues. Crymeariv is the insta name that answers that. Is this the slow burn enemies to lover mlm i can't finish this sentence i don't care riv is a dick
Stella and Sky are in a bed and she doesn't seem to have a top on so Implied sexy times?
MYSTERIOUS HOODED AND ROBED FIGURE CROSSES THROUGH THE BARRIAR AND SHOOTS THE BURNED ONE WITH LIGHTNING MAGIC OH IT'S beatrix
alt-J – Adeline as an ending song
#fate the winx saga#text#commentary#hey tumblr thanks for deleting all my text because I resized this window#we're off to a great start#fate episode 1
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ao3 smut recs masterlist.
♡ aka the mega masterlist since i often get asked for new ao3 skz smut
♡ all of the fics listed below are member x member
♡ for member x reader recs found on tumblr, check this tag
♡ last updated: 02 may
WOOJIN X CHAN
[ i am: not small series by diamondwings ] 4 parts, part 2 and 3 include minho, they read smut about themselves
[ coral knuckles universe series by suheafoams ] 3 parts, student president!chan x bad boy!woojin
WOOJIN X JISUNG
[ itch by iris_duncan_72 ] they fuck in the laundry room
WOOJIN X FELIX
[ need a hand? by bg97 ] hand kink, size kink
CHAN X MINHO
[ minchan gay in college series by megaotaku98 ] two parts, fwb to lovers au, plot with porn
[ oh captain, my captain by megaotaku98 ] chan has a captain kink
[ 영어 by megaotaku98 ] minho talks dirty but in english
[ how to mix business with pleasure by megaotaku98] office au
[ red ranger by blucifer ] hybrid au
[ man-eater by whiskerprince ] minho is a master at dirty talk
[ be my angel, asshole by cheapdreams ] demon!chan x angel!minho
CHAN X CHANGBIN
[ bored by pretty_ish ] phone sex
[ i bloom (just for you) by seochangbin ] tattoo artist!changbin, exhibitionism
[ the hardest button to button by changbinglish ] chan gets off to changbin’s moans in the studio and changbin finds out
[ full circle by gooeyhuey ] chan has a video of changbin sucking him off that he doesn’t remember recording
CHAN X HYUNJIN
[ shouldn’t couldn’t wouldn’t by seochangbin ] a/b/o verse, alpha!chan, omega!hyunjin
CHAN X JISUNG
[ need your attention by astarrymystery ] camboy!jisung, idolverse
[ you can trust me by astarrymystery ] chan is ridiculously sensitive to touch
CHAN X FELIX
[ aphrodisiac to the ears by spriingflower ] chan riles up felix who’s trying to study
[ the long nights by sofarsoperfect ] camboy!au, porn with plot
[ little secrets by whiskerprince ] they get on with it while woojin is around
[ all i’m thinking about by gift ] college au, sexual tension
[ a thousand eyes are watching by babychannie ] felix gives chan a handjob at the isac games
[ pretty boy fantasy by minbins ] felix in a skirt and gets fucked bent over a desk
CHAN X SEUNGMIN
[ come on by bg97 ] dom!seungmin x sub!chan, bondage
[ puppy love by changbinnie ] sub!chan, petplay
MINHO X CHANGBIN
[ competition by str4y ] both are subs
[ motivation by dominho ] tutor!minho, enemies to lovers-ish
[ steps in alleviating boredom by gooeyhuey ] blowjobs, rimming
NEW! [ intoxicated by the lie by dominho ] superpowers au, degradation, exhibitionism
MINHO X HYUNJIN
[ adiaphora by dominho ] broke college student!hyunjin tests out sex toys that engineer!minho has designed
[ slowly dying out without your touch by fairyhwangs ] virgin!minho
[ starting with the basics by polyskz ] incubus!hyunjin
MINHO X JISUNG
NEW! [ a step by step guide to losing your innocence series by minbins ] 5 parts, corruption kink
[ speak easy series by bassbot ] 4 parts
[ hands on you, hands with you by prettymins ] exhibitionism, movie night
[ thighs by str4y ] minho has a thing for jisung’s thighs
[ examination by sephsung ] patient!minho sees doctor!jisung for a prostate examination
MINHO X SEUNGMIN
[ competition series by bg97 ] enemies to lovers au, debate au
CHANGBIN X JISUNG
[ long nights by impishhaechan ] foot jobs in the studio
[ in the studio by bigboyparty ] foot jobs in the studio
NEW! [ surrender series by stray_lilly ] 3 parts, handjobs, blowjobs, jisung shags with a guy for the first time
CHANGBIN X HYUNJIN
[ falling for you by seochangbin ] first time
[ i’ll buy you anything by camboy_hynjin ] camboy!hyunjin
[ feel better? by 0mile ] changbin offrs hyunin a massage
NEW! [ no strings attached series by 0mile ] 3 parts, fwb au
[ dial one for love by 0mile ] porn with plot, textfic
NEW! [ sucker by cryptomnesia ] mutual masturbation, hyunjin sucks himself off
NEW! [ food for thought by gooeyhuey ] mindreading, sexual fantasy, they don’t actually shag
CHANGBIN X FELIX
[ dirty thoughts by changkanta & orphan_account ] felix scrolls through changbin’s search history, bdsm
[ stars in all the right places by withinsin ] handcuffs, pwp
[ bad boy bad boy (what’cha gonna do?) by cheapdreams ] bad boy!changbin, tutor!felix, dom!felix
CHANGBIN X SEUNGMIN
[ unsuspecting by straycty ] neighbor au, chan and seungmin are brothers, changbin fell for other brother first
[ page turner by blucifer ] seungmin wants attention, changbin wants to read. they compromise
[ everything i need (between those thighs) by changbinnie ] dom!seungmin
[ muscles and babes by bimeetsstigma ] porn with plot, fake dating, rich kid!seungmin, tattoo artist!changbin
HYUNJIN X FELIX
[ experimental equations by straycty ] 2 parts, masturbation in the shower is one of them
[ dancing with the devil by seochangbin ] corruption kink-ish, hyunjin is the one being corrupted
HYUNJIN X JISUNG
[ 100m by orphan_account ] they fuck in a classroom
[ open wide by gift ] a/b/o verse
HYUNJIN X SEUNGMIN
[ love and lip rings by seungjinish ] hyunjin has a lip ring
[ shameless by seungjinish ] seungmin has a vibrator on in public
NEW! [ a long night by anonymous ] dom!seungmin, pwp
JISUNG X SEUNGMIN
[ i hate you kim seungmin by 830am ] hate-ish sex
JISUNG X FELIX
NEW! [ quarantine induced neediness by sungshaze ] sexually frustrtated dom!jisung, toys, roommate au
MISC.
[ crash & burn by minbins ] hyunjin x got7 gangbang
[ just do it by bg97 ] changbin masturbates using gyu
[ guest star by bg97 ] sub!chan x daniel x jihyo threesome
[ rated r series by yinghuochong ] 9 parts, part 1 is jisung x minho, part 2 is chan x minho, the rest is hyunjin x minho
[ try hard by cheapdreams ] hybrid au, sub!chan x brat!minho x dom!woojin
[ delicate by polyskz ] 3racha, jisung wearing a skirt
[ (your touch is) like a dream by polyskz ] sub!bad boy!hyunjin x sub!jisung x dom!student council president!seungmin
NEW! [ you know what else is big? by snowy_coffee ] chan x bm (kard), a lot of humor, sub!chan, honestly just read it this is a literal blast
#this took me a while ngl but was it worth the answer is yes#stray kids smut#skz smut#ao3.rec#this list will be updated at the beginning of every month!
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It is I, and I am back with more a new list of fanfics for this wonderful ship called SpideyPool.
Listen, I don’t know why I’m doing this as well (maybe because I fuckin love these boys and want to share my fave fanfics of their ship to everyone...or whatever) but here we are.
[ Here are Part 1, 3 btw! ]
Same shit applies:
The themes of the stories on this list varies, I’m either into something heart-warming, fluffy, domestic that sort of stuff or into some really really heavy and dark messed up ones.
It always depends on the mood am I right? *wink wink*
It’s always gonna be smutty though lol
As long as it’s tastefully written, whatever kinky shit, I can be into it, I don’t judge the writer. With that being said if I add something straight up messed up here now/or in the future, don’t judge too, just mind the tags of the fic, for your own discretion if anything.
this list should be Wade Wilson/Peter Parker - Spiderman/Deadpool pairing only. I kinda like my babies greedy/possessive for/of each other.
I don’t care who tops or bottoms. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Summaries are taken directly from the fanfic’s summary.
Read the tags first!
Wolves [ Update: Sadly, the fic has been deleted :( ]
(This is WIP, but I swear it’s so fucking good you should read it. It’s a Prison AU, and the writing is sublime)
Peter is falsely accused and sent to jail, where he meets the violent ex-mercenary, Wade.
Don't Forget To Check Your Calendar!
Peter REALLY should remember to check his calendar or Peter forgets that he has a heat coming up, and in doing so causes several sticky situations to occur (thank god for Tony's NDA's).
Communication Error
“Have you seriously been doing this bit for a year now?”
“Bit… what bit?” Wade looked at him, confused.
“This,” Peter waved his hand, “the 'we’re dating' bit.”
There was a pause, and then suddenly, it was like Wade’s whole body imploded. His shoulders sunk and his head dropped and suddenly Peter knew he’d made a huge mistake.
“Hahaha, yeah, the dating bit.” He held up the wine. “One year of one really bad, horrible joke.”
Night Off
Wade is taking the night off when a certain Spider calls for help.
The Great Florist, Wade Wilson (this ones got a Sequel)
Deadpool has found the apartment belonging to Spiderman. Or Peter Parker, if the name on the door is anything to go by.
Now some people might use this information of said secret identity wrongly. Normally Wade would have been one of them. But this is different. This is Spider-Parker, I-mean, Peter-man, I-mean, fuck.
Now Deadpool just have to figure out exactly what he is gonna do with this information.
Which is quite simple really.
He's going to leave Spidey flowers and win his heart this way or the one, where Deadpool spams Spiderman with flowers, and Spiderman has no idea what's going on
Tale As Old As Time, Song As Old As Rhyme
(This belongs to the series
“A Spider in the Pool”)
It is absolutely fucking good, I recommend you read them. Do read the warnings though yeah?)
Peter Parker gradually falls for Wade's dubious charms. They have a lot of hang ups and kinks to negotiate, but with sex this hot, Peter can't help wanting more. Erotica with significant plot and relationship development.
Help Me, Peter Parker, You’re My Only Hope!
“I need your help,” Wade admitted.
“And why would I help you?”
Peter asked with an amused chuckle.
“Because, um, I asked you? Isn’t it what you do? Help people who ask for it?”
Damage
Peter Parker finds himself in a sticky situation and who should show up to rescue him but the infamous Deadpool? Now Peter feels indebted to the mercenary... And maybe weirdly charmed by him.
I'm Serious
Wade wants Peter to top. But he really, really doesn't know how to ask.
Shake it out (this series is a good boi)
Sick Days
"Wade."
"Mr. Rogers."
They stared at each other, one calm and silent in his fury while the other looked like a deer about to be pummeled by an eighteen-wheeler.
"I'm sure you have a reason for being in my son's bed without a shirt on?"
Love Me Dead
Peter tries to tell Wade his feelings. It's kind of a train-wreck.
Disgusting -Spideypool (5+1)
This is a Wade Centric fic containing topics of mental health struggles and self image. Nothing too graphic but still.
Flip the Safety
They both get a little carried away when they fight, but this time Wade grins over his gun and the worst part is that Peter knows he doesn’t plan on shooting him.
Do It Yourself
“I bet you’re flexible enough to suck your own dick.” Wade plants that thought in Peter's head and he can't help where curiosity leads him.
Looking for a savior in these dirty streets
(WADE YOU LITTLE SHIT LOL)
what's your opinion on eating ass? just looking for a yes or noThat's the text Peter gets when he's in a meeting with Anna Maria, trying his hardest to get back to running a company a few months after an unexpected trip to the underworld.
Act your age (not your shoe size)
“Wanna go grab some grub? I have it on good authority there's some qual-a-tee Mexican around here.”Peter’s mouth drops open.
“Uh, you always invite guys you just met out for lunch?”
Deadpool laughs and leans forward. The words are muffled when he says, “Only the ones I meet in movie theaters.”
That's the power of love (cute af fic)
“Yeah, so, about that. Nice to meet ya, I’m Wade Wilson but def not your Wade Wilson although I gotta say, I’m jealous of the asshole.”
Baby, i’d victoria your secret anytime (another good boy)
Peter’s known Wade for a while now, so he can maybe see how this makes sense -- like, maybe Wade has a thing about going commando and just happened to have an old girlfriend’s panties lying around, one thing led to another…but…“And the bra?” Peter croaks.
It's The Alcohol Talking
It wasn't every day that Wade came across a drunk-off-his-ass Spider-man.
Marco (this is fuckin’ hurt ok???)
Spidey was fine. Everything was going to be fine.
Took no time with the fall
(Part One of “wasn’t looking for this” series)
When the Avengers had briefed him on Deadpool, they played up the Kills People for Money and Has No Real Morals angle and left out the Is Pretty Damn Funny and Charming in a Weird, Terrifying Sort of Way part.Or, five times they meet on rooftops plus one time they take it to the streets*
Now you're in my way
(Part Two of “wasn’t looking for this” series)
Wade's been with the Avengers for four months. The two of them have been together for five.Their relationship consists of taco-based dates, a ton of sex, and, well, Avenging.
The Stalking of Wade Wilson
"It’s around this point that a niggling thread of thought worms its way into his head when he’s not paying attention, one that gently suggests that Wade might be slightly less of a bad guy than Peter previously thought."
Seeing the real you (it's not what I imagined)
"The fuck,“ Deadpool said slowly. He was staring at him in a way that made Peter feel decidedly uncomfortable, and this was saying something, considering Deadpool had a habit of leering at him at the most inappropriate times.
"Are you kidding me?" he eventually gasped. "How OLD are you? Twelve?“
I'll Always Protect You
Anonymous said: If anyone is up for it I have a rescue prompt idea where Peter (he is not in his spiderman suit) is taken as a hostage with a gun to the head along with a few other civilians. Peter is warning the criminals to let everyone go otherwise his fiance,Wade, will kill them all. They mock him and beat him up. Then a furious Deadpool saves Peter by the most badass way possible. Also I would love if someone write how unnervingly skilled Wade is as a mercenary. Please? Anyone?
Your ass is mine
Spidey takes a toilet break while on patrol. He wasn't expecting Wade to join him.
When I'm Inside You
Spiders are hard to catch. When Deadpool manages to pin one down on an NYC rooftop, he thinks he deserves a prize.
Daddy
It had started as a joke, which was conveniently how most of these things always happened.
Any Means Necessary
Anonymous said: Abo au where Peter is a young mutant who both displayed his heat early before his adolscent stage and spidey powers that went out of haywire the moment his heat started, leaving him to thrash around the city, running away from his family. Wade Wilson, an alpha, who happens to be a professional mercenary for hire, is now paid to catch this mutant, and try and calm him down by “any means necessary” because Peter, even as an omega is swrecking havoc amongst the city. [ 1/2 ]
Of course, Wade takes those words seriously, and decides to just do that solution by first, capturing and drugging the young omega, and then, placing him in what could be described as a special and adjustable breeding stand in Wade’s attempts to calm Peter down.
[ 2/2 ]
One Fear (Two Fear), Red Rear (Pink Rear)
(Note: Now this is where “read the tags first” is applicable af.
Don’t tell me I didn’t warn you dude)
Anonymous said: Hello, another one for you: Deadpool adopts MCU Spidey and treats him like his actual child. That is until Peter starts growing up more and Wade can't help but feel attracted to him. At around age 15, Peter starts actively trying to seduce Wade. Wade resists, but in the end gives in. My kingdom for hardcore daddy kink, Sub!Peter, Wade calling him a good boy/baby boy.
Wo Rauch Ist (this fic is fucking gold)
"Someone needs to write a ‘the fire alarm went off at 3 am and now the cute guy from the flat next door is standing next to me in his underwear’ AU"
#phew#more to come#!#fanfiction#fanficrec#fanfic rec#spideypool#spiderpool#spideypool fic rec#spideypool fic#deadpool#wade wilson#wade winston wilson#spiderman#spider-man#peter parker#peter benjamin parker#fic rec list#fic rec#spiderman/deadpool#peter parker/wade wilson
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I hope you get run by a fucking aeroplane ❤️
Warnings: Mild cursing, Old men being assholes.
Word Count: 2.8k words
Kavya
August 27th, 2020; 6:30pm
New Delhi, India.
"Is the editing for the new manuscript done?" Kavya leaned down to assess the work that was being done.
"It's coming along well, ma'am. Just cleaning up the text." The intern gave her a nervous smile.
"That's good to hear." She said, going through the progress that the editing department had made. "Be sure to crosscheck after you're done editing."
"Yes, ma'am!" Just then, Kavya's secretary came rushing in.
"Ma'am you have a meeting with the Illustration Team in a few minutes," Kavya glanced at her watch and frowned upon realising that she didn't have much time to make it across the building to the main conference room.
"Thank you, Mitra. Just hand me my iPad and I'll be off." Kavya briskly walked to the room where the meeting was meant to be held, greeting the workers passing by.
"Ma'am, the cover design team is ready with their designs," Rachel, the head of the cover design department dressed Kavya.
"Wonderful! I'll ask Mitra to schedule a meeting when I'm free," Kavya paused, glancing at her schedule, "Actually, could you please e-mail it to me?" Rachel smiled gently.
"Of course we can, I'll make sure you get the updated presentation with the notes and all of the other requirements as well."
"Thank you so much; you honestly have no idea how much you've helped me today." Kavya shook her hand and hugged her for a moment.
"Of course. I understand how much stress you're under, the least I could do is help you out!" Rachel smiled yet again.
"Rachel, you're a life-saver and I would love to stay and chat, but I've got to get going to the Illustration Team's meeting,"
"Of course," Rachel made shooing motions with her hands, "Off you go!" Kavya laughed and ran towards the direction of the main conference room.
"Ma'am you're here!" The head of the illustration team, a man in his mid-40's named Mohammad Aamir smiled and shook her hand.
"Thank you very much Mr Mohammad. I'm truly excited to see what you have planned for today."
"Oh I assure you, Ms Agarwal, you will not regret trusting Mr Mohammad's department this time," Two of the workers in the marketing department took their seats as Aamir gestured one of his workers to begin the presentation.
Kavya took out her iPad and started noting down the small changes and corrections that needed to be made. This launch was going to be one of the biggest events in the history of her company and she needed to make sure that everything was immaculate, including the character drawings that would be included in this particular book.
"We initially had a bit of a dilemma deciding what features this character should have; but we managed to get through all of it and decided upon 5 main options," The character designs were on display, impressing Kavya as these were much better than she expected.
"We have also included 5 sub-designs, for a more variety of options," The worker turned to face the board members in the meeting room,
"It's also worth mentioning that we have designed a variety of expressions, postures, and costume; keeping in mind the aesthetic impact and its significance to the storyline,"
"We have constructed the design for the costumes in the locations after carefully studying the different kinds of clothing worn by the locals and also not forgetting the cultural significance of the clothes and accessories," He flipped to the next slide. Kavya was thoroughly impressed until now, but of course, all good things come to an end.
"So as you can see here, the inspiration for the design of the diving gear was inspired by the modern-day swimsuits, focusing especially on the plunging necklines—"
"Pardon my interruption, but why does the diving gear look like a swimsuit? I thought I put special emphasis on the fact that the scene consisted of the characters going scuba diving?" The person presenting the PowerPoint looked uncomfortable under Kavya's piercing gaze.
"Yes, but isn't this what women wear for swimming?"
"They do, but this is what women wear when we're talking about beaches and swimming pools; not when they're going 140 feet underwater. Do you not know what scuba diving is?"
"Yes, ma'am; but actually—"
"Ms Agarwal, are you not overreacting? It's a great marketing point. I mean swimwear is swimwear, am I right?" Gopal Das, a pesky man on the marketing team snickered, clearly proud of his seemingly intelligent statement.
"Mr Das, It seems that your age has dwindled down your common sense. I'm sure all of you present here know that scuba divers have to wear protective gear to make sure they survive the pressure that the water exerts at that deep of a level. I'd like to see you dive in the Bay of Bengal with nothing but your underwear. Should be easy, right?" That seemed to shut the man up, but of course, sexist fuckers are everywhere.
"I agree with Gopal sir, this-" The man said, pointing towards the pathetic excuse for a scuba diving suit, "Is a great attention point. People want this." He crossed his pudgy hands.
"I have said it before and I will say it again," Kavya took a deep breath and looked at them angrily. "I'm not going to compromise knowledge over what you claim are marketing points. I have made it clear time and time again on why design accuracies are important; and I stand by my statements." Kavya tried to convey her point in the most diplomatic way possible, but these two dumbasses were really testing her patience.
"Well, we will not compromise sales to something as trivial as a mere swimsuit,"
"I agree with Mr. Roberts. It seems to me that you are letting your personal experiences get in the way of what could've been a successful launch!" If Kavya was mad before, she was absolutely furious now.
"Mr Das, Mr Roberts, that's enough." The stern voice of Aamir snapped her out of her rage.
"Let me make one thing crystal clear. So as long as you are in this company, you will not promote objectification. It's not that hard to think from the brain and not your genitalia." She glared at the two men.
"To answer your previous statement Mr Das; yes. My experiences are getting in the way. So are the millions of people who constantly face the same issues."
"Do you want to know what I think Mr Das?I think you and Mr Roberts are letting your personal fetishes come in the way of what otherwise was a great illustration. It's honestly not that hard to keep your perverted tendencies to yourself. And if you refuse to follow basic human decency; we'd be extremely glad to find a replacement." She had enough of their boomer heterosexual bullshit.
"Now if you'd excuse me," She gathered her things and exited the room in fury. To think that she had hoped men would change; but as always, they continued to disappoint her (Like they do in bed).
"Ma'am, wait!" The person presenting the PowerPoint came up to her. "I'm sorry for the disappointing design of the diving gear today. I wanted to use a complete different idea, and a much more humane and accurate one, but Gopal sir insisted that I use that for better marketing," He apologised, bowing his head slightly.
"It's ok, uhhhh..."
"Pavan, ma'am."
"Right. It's ok Pavan. I'm glad you are one of the few people in the illustration team with basic human decency. I understand your position, and I'm glad that you approached me. I also first-handedly know how much of a douchebag Gopal is," Kavya smiled slightly, hoping to ease some of his nerves.
"Thank you so much Ma'am! I promise I won't disappoint you next time!" He bowed.
"You better not. I have seen your skills, and you're far too creative and talented to let a person like Gopal boss you around." She patted his shoulder, smiling when he thanked her repeatedly.
"Yes, Ms Agarwal," Aamir walked up to the both of you, looking extremely down, "I apologise for the way Mr Das and Mr Roberts spoke this meeting. It was completely out of line and disrespectful of them. I assure you, if I had known of this issue--"
"Mr Mohammad you don't have to apologise," Kavya smiled at him. "It wasn't your fault, so you must stop blaming yourself. I know those two men disturbed the flow of the meeting, but I stand by my previous comment. Pavan here," She looked at the employee, who was a little flustered, "Had amazing designs up his sleeves and the presentation overall was not bad."
"I think we can definitely improve some of them, but the inspiration, cultural and locational significances were completely accurate," Aamir looked a little bit happier after that statement. "I have noted down the changes that need to be made, and if you could e-mail this presentation to me, I would gladly note them down in the respective areas so you and your team could correct it." Pavan nodded enthusiastically.
"I will send it to you very shortly ma'am."
"Excellent! I'm afraid I must go now," Kavya frowned a little.
"Of course Ma'am. It was an honour talking to you,"
Kavya couldn't be more happier that she that she could finally go home. Those last 30 minutes in the conference room were the most exhausting 30 minutes in the entire month. And suffice to say, she was ready to flop down on her bed and take a much-deserved nap. Of course she knew that she had a shit ton of work to finish before sleeping, but the thought of doing it in the comforts of her home gave her something to look forward to.
"Tired?" Maya Patel, her friend and CEO of Patel Publications, leaned against the doorframe.
"You have no fucking idea," Kavya started packing her stuff, getting ready to leave.
"How was the meeting?"
"The most irritating meeting I've ever been to. Two hours of amazing illustrations and all of that had to come to an end because of two old men's perverted tendencies. 30 minutes of continuous sexism and objectification does things to one's brain."
Maya looked like she'd smelled something nasty. "It was that bitch, Gopal; wasn't it"
"Yes, but this time he had a little minion. It's that other guy you hate, Kevin Roberts."
"Ugh," Maya made a puking face- "I hate them both so much, I always wanted to kick their pathetic asses out. And now my dream is finally coming true!" They laughed.
"But seriously. I am going to fire them. There have been way too many complaints about them in general and I finally have the proof I need."
"Oh when you do fire them, please invite me so I can record that shit in full HD," Kavya walked inside the elevator, Maya following shortly behind.
"No, because you will go on a vacation. That I asked you to go to." Maya crossed her arms.
"More like forced me to go on one," Kavya snorted, but stopped once she noticed the stern expression on Maya's face.
"Ok look, I'll take a vacation when I want to," Kavya made her way to the parking lot where her Kia K5 was parked.
"Besides, you need the new manuscript, right?" She smiled at Maya, who shook her head and smiled lightly.
"I do, but that doesn't mean I don't want you to take a short break. It's concerning how much stress you take up. I just want you to relax"
"Ok, I'll think about it. For now, I just want to go home and take a long nap," Kavya switched on the radio and set out on the road, noticing how most streets were suspiciously empty.
'That's weird,' She thought, 'The streets in Delhi are never empty.' She brushed it off and flipped through the radio stations to find the ones that played old songs, her personal favourite.
The peaceful melodies of the retro songs calmed her on her drive back home. They were the kind of songs that put you in such a trance that you don't know where the time flew by. And of course, very shortly, she parked her car in her buildings allotted parking space.
She greeted the security guard who was on patrol and entered the elevator. After entering the passcode to her apartment, she directly went to the fridge to get some cool water.
Kavya then tossed her blazer and purse aside, ran to the bedroom, flopped on the bed and groaned loudly. Paying no mind that her lipstick would most likely stain the towel she had lain on the bed.
"I better freshen up," She sighed and went to complete her nighttime routine, which just consisted of taking a long hot shower and doing her 7-step skincare routine. After which she folded her clothes and tossed some of them in the washing machine.
A late-night snack was well due, as Kavya did not have her dinner yet; and of course, Red Wine is a must!
"11pm chicken sandwiches are the best," She munched on her sandwich as she scrolled through her twitter to see what her friends shitposted today.
She doubled in laughter over Maggie's posts, nearly choking on lettuce. Eventually she calmed down and filled herself in the news and gossip she's missed out on.
"This is the best time of the day," She told herself as she read the texts she'd received today.
The conversation seemed like it had no end to it, so Kavya skimmed it until she saw herself tagged.
To say that she thought about it would be an understatement. Kavya had no clue for how long she sat there thinking about the road trip before the notification of the email brought her back. She slapped her face a few times to prepare herself for all the work she had to finish.
The entirety of the next 4 hours was spent in Kavya carefully noting down every single detail and making the necessary changes. And soon enough it was 3 am and she was finally done with both the cover design and the character designs. Throughout these 4 hours, however, the only thing on her mind was that road trip idea her friends were talking about.
So she made up her mind. Kavya quickly emailed the corrections she'd made in both the documents. And dialled Maya's number.
"Heyy, Maya? Remember that vacation you were talking about? I'm going to take it."
#road trip#travel#fandom#atla#sokka#toph#zuko#katara#aang#harry potter#gay chat#gay chaos#eurotrip#europe#multichapter#multiple pov#friendship#French fries#camping#bonfire#chef#cia agent#student#author#ceo#billionare#airport#flying#crossroads#Lots of gay chaos place help
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9 and 37?
9. Which fic has been the hardest to write?
Hmm at this point I’d have to say Satisfaction. Any smut fic or fic involving smut is always challenging to write, because you (or at least I) want to keep it fresh and interesting and get across something more than just the sex, without resorting to being clinical. But this one was especially tricky because it was just as much a character study and a fucking essay to anyone who thinks sub!Catra could ever be a thing as it was a smut fic, and because the content was very delicate and I needed to make sure it was getting across exactly what I was trying to say and nothing more, nothing less. So there was the usual slog of writing smut plus the paralysis of feeling like it needed to be perfect, and frustration when I couldn’t seem to get it right. That’s quite the combination, I’ll tell ya.
37. Talk about your current wips.
Oh, boy! I love this question. :D
In no particular order…
Demons (She-Ra, Catradora): This fic is basically therapy for myself and Catradora, and anyone in the fandom willing to brave the trigger warnings. It’s been taxing but extremely cathartic to write, as it’s essentially about what it’s like to be a survivor of child abuse. This fic really only has a plot to allow me to address whatever issues I want to, and it was originally supposed to be, like, 6 chapters. We’re going on 23 now, whoops! I really do love this fic, though, with my whole heart. It’s probably the most raw, profound, meaningful piece of writing I’ve ever done. I love She-Ra for how openly it deals with the long-term effects of abuse, and I can only hope I’ve done the canon story and characters justice.
Loyalty (Hunger Games, Joniss): This is my longest fic, both in terms of words (333k) and how long I’ve been working on it (5 years). Believe it or not, I am still plugging away. And actually, in some ways this might be the most meaningful piece I’ve written. It involves a lot of the same themes as Demons, like abuse and implied neurodivergence, but it’s all in the background, as this is much more of a plot-heavy fic. But a lot of really heavy subjects are addressed, and I like to think they’re examined in a deep but delicate way. This fic is full of twists and the character development is pretty damn next level, and the ship dynamics are super fun, as it always is when I write Johanna x Katniss. Honestly I love this fic to bits and I wish I had more time to work on it, but She-Ra is my current main special interest, so updates have been sparse lately. However, there is a new chapter coming soon, so go get yourself caught up! ;)
But I’m a Lumberjack (Hunger Games, Joniss): Oh boy, speaking of fun Hunger Games fics! This is my THG x But I’m a Cheerleader crossover, and it’s stupid but also really sweet? Man, I miss this fic. Another one I really want to get back to. I reversed the intuitive casting by making Johanna the oblivious lesbian and Katniss the asshole who totally knows she is gay, so they are both very snarky in this fic and it is hilarious. I mean, it’s especially funny for people who have watched BIAC, but yeah. It also has some heavy themes, like homophobia and child abuse (which seems to show up in basically all my fics? wonder why that could be), but all in all it’s a pretty fun, light-hearted fic.
Live With It (She-Ra, Catradora [past]): This is neither fun nor light-hearted. This story only exists because @jaelav3 absolutely trampled my heart with her one shot where Adora had killed Catra in battle years prior and was still grieving hardcore. I continued the story and made it hurt even more, but only so we could get to a more cathartic, tragic but hopeful ending. I promise, we will get there! Sorry, these first few chapters have been rough but I promise it will get better. Adora x Therapy, y’all!
Ice (The 100, Echo [gen]): This was my Echo backstory fic that I wrote as a companion piece to my multi-chapter Becho fic Building Trust. It’s fallen by the wayside a bit considering Echo’s actual backstory has since been revealed, but I reread it recently with the intention of leaving it unfinished but realized I really loved writing about the Ice Nation politics and potential relationships between its characters that were largely left unexplored. The last couple chapters are both over half-written so at some point I will finish it, god damnit. Oh btw it is also SUPER full of emotional and physical child abuse and it is just not a fun time, so it’s not a fic I ever really recommend to people. I kinda wrote this one for myself because I find the Ice Nation (and Echo in particular) fascinating.
Enough (Hunger Games, Joniss): This fic is another one that I’d classify as dumb but loveable. It’s my only un-betaed THG fic, so I feel like the quality is slightly lower than the others but it really just started as a fun little side project. Back when @jonissheadcanons-archive was active, there was a theme for a while of modern au ideas where Johanna was Katniss’s babysitter when they were kids. Someone else drew some adorable artwork of Johanna teaching Katniss to walk, and the heavens opened and this fic rained down on us. It’s actually pretty angsty, since there’s a lot of babygay pining and some really painful parallels to canon (for instance, Katniss’s dad dies and mom goes nonfunctional and they end up in foster care), but there’s also a lot of goofy jokes, and nostalgia for those of us who remember the 1990′s.
Oh wow do I only have 6 WIPs? Damn, it felt like more.
40 Questions — Meme for Fic Writers
#asks#akari-hope#ask games#writing asks#fanfic#spop#thg#the 100#demons#peacekeeper au#but i'm a lumberjack#live with it#ice#babysitter au
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fuck the brain
so for this update, we are going to break it up. make it a little easier...well somewhat..so are going to break over so ill play the OCD card and have sub-categories (:
With that said let’s get started <3
1. Health-- so I think as I have discussed at the beginning of this blog I explained that I have epilepsy and I hate admitting that. I am embarrassed beyond words with it. I use to be a social butterfly, and now the idea of going out to the world and being apart of other things is a little nerve-racking to me. Before July in 2019, we thought that I wasn't going to have any more seizures that it was all fixed and I was “cured” for a better lack of words, I haven't had a seizure for almost 3 years so life was looking good. Now with that said before we all get excited and we try to figure all are asking questions, my neurologist, dr. g requested an EEG in the beginning of the year because I came I told them that I have not been taking my medicine for about 6 months and have been doing just fine. the reason being for this is because I was just simply at first was forgetting then I got didn't have a certain amount so I got behind and then it just turned into me not taking them. Well, when we had the EEG I still had the abnormal brainwaves (a quick explanation on EEG’s..pretty much a helmet of little wires they hook to your head and it tells you what kind of brain waves you have). Not my best day. So I had a seizure back in July I assumed because I was depressed from what learned in April I was taking care of my body, I was sleeping well, not doing the best with my body. Then I had one about 2 weeks ago, after that, I have been anxiety attacks whenever I please, my depression is flying off the walls. So now my neurologist has decided that I need to have a service dog for these reasons. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety a couple of years back, but it was never this bad as it is now. so now me having to even think about having a service is kind of hard, because I’ve always been embarrassed with the idea of just almost anyone knowing about it. like if I didn't have to tell a friend about it then I won't. there's been soo many timeeeesss that I thought i have told a friend and then something will happen that it would come up and they wouldn't know a thing about it.
-Love: alrighty so this subtext will be fun. so y’all remember daffy? well, we’re pretty much still in that sloth relationship that I was explaining. and since we still can't think of a better word we’re going to stick with that until I say otherwise alright? good glad we agreed. so when I had my last seizure I was with him and about as close as I could get with a person while having a seizure. he was laying on top of me when it happened. yeahhhh good moment for the sloth and lady sloth right? well, I could remember after it was waking up hurling on his favorite sweater that I was wearing at the time barely getting to the sink and hurling all over that than falling on the floor and wanting to die. then I remember barely opening my eyes, daffy was standing over me he cleaned up my throw up, this is going to be so cheesy but I thought he has to be prince charming he's going to clean up this shit off of me. then he took off the throw up sweater off of me put on a different shirt and carried me to his room. next thing I know i wake up and I don't really remember the rest. I remember bits and pieces but that's about it. I just remember thinking that he may not be perfect and he might have a shitty past, him and I are overly different, but he just might the prince charming I was looking for. bad boy in skinny jeans with a sailor's mouth and can be an asshole sometimes but makes me smile no matter what and makes me feel safe and all these other things that do not fall into this subtext.
-Friendship-- when my friend cotton found out that I had a seizure he didn't really do a whole bunch of what I friend is supposed to do I believe, I mean when my friends have found out in the past they freak out are wanting to know if I'm okay did I die asking weird questions. but cotton he just didnt. and it really pissed me off! and he’s supposed to be my best friend, but he hasn't been one lately. I'm not liking it.
-School-- the school hasn't gotten scary now. my teachers are really supportive but I feel so far behind and I cant remember. and this is the shit part. my neurologist thinks the reason why I'm having such a hard time remembering is that I have PTSD so he is wanting me to go to PSYCHIATRIST..arent those for people who are really fucked up in the head or something? I would see why but I'm not excited about it. maybe I can talk may out of it. I've gone to a therapist before and it did me no good. if anything it did me worse. but now I'm so scared to anything with school because what if I fail what if something goes wrong and it stresses me out so much that I have a seizure or have such a bad anxiety attack that I have a seizure.
2. Friendship/Love- so I was going to split up these two categories but since they collide each other by a lot it would get way too confusing so this seemed easier at the end of the day.
So as you could guess this will have to do with cotton and daffy. pretty fun combination. especially since they both don't like each other. which is super fun. so with that said, cotton since the beginning has talked bad about daffy. and I would just ignore it usually, especially since he would just be talking about his past mainly and I really wouldn't care because when daffy would say anything about he would calmly say its in the past in the past for a reason. he's done that he’s not proud of, was he the best person back then probably not, would probably want to be around him..probably not, but then again knowing bigbangcowgirl lets just 2-3 years ago she would probably still go for it. but daffy just never talked about cotton even though he didn't like him, he knew that he was my best friend he wouldn't. cotton would, I ignored for the most part. there was something I would question, but then daffy would bring down somewhere along the yellow brick road and i would be just fine once again. with my past of shit guys. daffy has been so straight forward and not hidden anything from it so relaxing and he’s been so trustworthy! Cotton has been such a bad friend and it just took me yesterday to put two and two together after daffy was pointing out something towards me and then yesterday I just don't trust him anymore. I'm really pissed. I know my mom and cotton talk and i told her last night when I got done coaching to not talk to him anymore for awhile. I don't want you to talk to him. I don't trust him right now. he's my friend, but I don't like how he’s been treating me and seems to be manipulating you and putting up this front to you and dad.
-Family- those last two sentences kind of collided with this sub-category but that’s fine. so me and daffy decided that we wouldn’t meet my parents for a while cause that would just make it official and legit serious, like would be switching from sloth to penguins. if y’all don't know what that means, I can’t help you. go to google. which was fine by me. I'm a daddy’s girl some even telling my dad about nick was already a little scary. I didn't want my dad to meet another guy I've been seeing for a while until I knew it was going to be serious and would last, so he would stop meeting these pos kind of guys. Well with daffy, they’re outstandingly opposite. like its crazy different. it's kind of funny though. but what gives me the slightest bit of hope is that daffy makes me happy, he takes care of me, he wants me to be happy, for an example, he could’ve cared less if my parents didn’t like him, but since he knows that a big thing to him, it bothers him and he wants to fix it. my father thinks that he doesn’t make me happy just because the only time I have been on the phone with daffy these past couple of days when I was the house we were bickering about stuff. so yeah, if that's your first opinion I could see why, but what he doesn't know is that I've been on the phone with him multiple times, been texting him multiple times, been smiling because of him multiple times, but because I didn't want my dad to know that he existed because of our sloth-like relationship I just said it was cotton cause my dad knows that he’s in n. carolina and there's no way in hell I will be leaving texas just for some boy.
now then, I don't really think my dad will ever like any boy I am with. just for the fact of him thinking no man is good enough for my little girl fact. which is fine I understand that. no biggie. I agree. I'm adorable. but if he has respect for daffy, understands that daffy cares about me respect me, doesn't hurt me emotionally/physically like any other guy has in the past, and makes me happy. then I know that’s all that matters to him.
and another perk is that my mom loves him. she is a little concerned cause she knows that he is a bad boy and has a bad past, but she knows that she he has done what he needs to do make him improve and make him a better man. also now that I have pointed all that cotton has lied about and pulled off his mask that he’s been wearing. daffy doesn’t look bad anymore. now I say that because cotton has been trying to make daffy look bad by comparing those two together. which is one of the major things that I noticed yesterday. one of the biggest things that pissed me off the most.
sloth relationship, or penguin relationship. nobody is going to make my man look bad or talk shit about him especially if I know you and I know what you’re saying and your’ purpose behind it. not okay.
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Chapter 95: Love Again
Hello folks, we’re back! I know I said I wouldn’t touch this series again, until I needed some motivation for working on False Idol but I’ve decided to kind of add an addendum to the rule. Now whenever I miss an update, I must read one chapter of BCB and make a rant in order to make up for the lack of content as well as being punishment for myself. As some of you know, if you read the author’s notes in the most recent page of False Idol; I had my wisdom teeth removed a week or so ago. Which kept me out of it and ended up making me miss an update. And as such we must pick up where we left off, here! And boy is this chapter going to be interesting!
See? This guy gets it!
We start the chapter off wi-
Oh my god, what’s wrong with your face?
Anyway, Daisy’s talking about her upcoming birthday party an-
OH MY GOD! What’s wrong with your face?
But anyway, Paulo’s doing his usual shtick now of giving Daisy that sub-zero cold shoulder. This time, by diverting his attention away to some random girl next to him and flirting with her. While at the same time treating us to a classic meme.
Oh Paulo, you silly fool. In either case, this part drags on a bit too long with Paulo remarking things a bit brash but par for the course for his new passive aggressive nature towards Daisy. It wouldn’t be too bad actually, if it was just this page but…
Oh…
Hello, Madison.
Your input and presence is always welcome.
It sure is interesting seeing her interact with new bitchy Paulo...
So basically, Madison is upset about Paulo flirting with the random girl. And she’s acting as a sledgehammer to drive the point home that we’re supposed to be upset about Paulo flirting with this random girl, even though we’ve clearly seen the context of the situation and know he was doing it primarily to be a passive aggressive douche and ignore Daisy. But oh I guess, this is still a bad thing. It just seems forced, I mean if you wanted to make this more serious why not have this sort of thing as its own chapter? Spend time showing us more of this to help strengthen this motivation, the only other time I can think of where Paulo was leering at someone else was with Sandy, before that was Boy Toy where it was more about Paulo trying to reaffirm his sexuality than anything. And you can’t really blame the guy for not wanting to tie the knot. Given his track record for romance, every time things start to get serious, or he tries to put his all into a relationship, it just crumbles apart and he ends up losing that friend and the bridge is never repaired. Of course he’d be scared the same would happen to Rachel if he was to try and do the same with her and he doesn’t want that. But why bring this up now? This whole drama should be its own chapter, why is it forced in here in this chapte-
Oh…I see…
youtube
I’m at the bottom of that bottle. Numb my senses, drown my sorrows, and I’m like “oh damn I’d done it again, oh damn I’d done it again.”
But back to the comic, we see Taeshi experimenting with some advanced paneling techniques. Specifically, out of box paneling with Daisy.
And as a fellow “artiste” I see that this is clearly meant to be a visual connection for how Daisy’s mood and the tone of the comic shifts from this scene to the last time she did this in the start of the chapter. As well as serving as a scene transition smoothly ushering us to this part of the story. It’s very well done, and quite brave.
Or perhaps, this is just Daisy finally achieving critical mass, and the comic can no longer contain her girth! She’s breaking out of the comic! She can not be contained! EVERYONE RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! SHE’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!
Okay, but all jokes aside, I actually like this scene. We see Daisy talk about her frustrations and guilt with Paulo, and Mike gives some helpful advice as we see them actually trying to work through this problem!
Oh shut the fuck up, Abbey! Mike for once is giving some good advice! Yes! Remember kids, talk things out and try to work through it! And this scene really helps us to empathize with Daisy, I can especially relate to her for this.
Don’t look at me like that Mike. You don’t know me.
In either case, I do appreciate this talk. It seems like Taeshi is finally having the characters take a proactive approach to their drama an-
It her! The moment we’ve all been waiting for! LOOK!
LOOK SAM! IT’S LUCY! LUCY’S BACK! ALL THE SUFFERING, ALL THE YEARS OF BULLSHIT HAS FINALLY BROUGHT US TO THIS! WE CAN FINALLY GET ANSWERS! WE WILL KNOW THE TRUTH! WHAT HAPPENED TO HER! WHERE SHE’S BEEN! THE CHARACTERS CAN GET CLOSURE! IT’S HERE! WE’VE MADE IT! ALL THESE YEARS, WE’VE FINALLY MADE IT!
And look! All the friends are gathering round and are just as excited! That’s right Mike! Cower in the corner there, this isn’t about you! (wait, how the fuck did he get back off to there when she was apparently inches from his face?) But…something doesn’t seem right.
And I’m not just talking about fucking creepy ass Abbey over here, looming over everyone with that ominously dead smile. Wait, what’s that?
Oh my god, what’s wrong with her face?
OH MY GOD! WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOUR FACE?!
youtube
That literally looks like she doesn’t have a mouth, but rather she just took lipstick and smeared it on her face to look like a smile. Alright time for the big rant, here it comes! Because it was at this moment, that I realized this chapter was the birth of what is my personal biggest artistic pet peeve for BCB. FUCKING TRIANGLE MOUTHS! LOOK AT THIS SHIT! WHY?! WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT? You know how much I hate this face? I HATE IT MORE THAN I HATE THE GIGANTIC HEADS! THAT’S HOW MUCH I HATE THESE MOUTHS! Because it’s not just lazy as fuck, but even more than that, it’s not just distracting, but it ruins what should be a very heartfelt and emotional scene! How the hell am I supposed to take any of these faces seriously?!
These triangle mouths are so fucking bad, that I can’t appreciate this scene and what’s happening. I can’t fully empathize or read how this character is feeling because of these mouths! It’s not just ugly, but it feels forced! It takes me out of the scene, because that’s not a normal expression! It’s the same problem I had with the XD face, Paulo made here.
Well okay, I had a much bigger problem going on with this panel than the expression. But I can accept this here, or at least overlook it, because this is meant to be a joke. It’s a stupid and unfunny joke, but it is a joke, and thus not meant to be taken seriously. THIS FUCKING SCENE WITH LUCY SHOULD BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY! BUT IT CAN’T BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY WHEN ALL I CAN THINK OF IS
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOUR FACE?!
But whatever, y’know? We’re not here for that, we’re here for Lucy. At least she’s here, at least we can get some answers, and the characters care and are as hungry as we are for information what do we know?
Okay, she was in a private school? Uhh, okay. I figured she’d be in asylum or something, for some mental rehabilitation. But okay, I guess she went to a private school for the rest of her sophomore year. Cool, I guess?
Ahhh yes! Sue! Asking how she’s been doing, and of course not that well. Which, is a given. Not much info there. But come on! We as readers have been waiting with baited breath to know more about Lucy! This is a 50 page chapter I’m sure we’ll learn a bit about her recovery, and her experience, how she feels an-
Oh…Okay…that’s fine too. Uhh alright then, but-
Oh! Hello, Paulo!
And hello Abbey, where the fuck did you come from? Did your Paulo Senses start tingling, and you had to make sure we all were aware that you do not like him? That’s cool. Actually, I like this part of the scene. It brings things back to a more lighthearted flavor, and it’s very refreshing after everything else.
I especially like this joke. It’s a nice bit of fan service for those of us who remember and appreciate the lighthearted slapstick that Lucy and the comic used to bring. This scene really shows us more than anything else so far that this is Lucy. She’s back, and she’s still got that take-no-shit attitude. I love it.
Oh wait, no I mean
OH MY GOD, LUCY YOU FUCKING BITCH! HOW CAN YOU ASSAULT PAULO LIKE THAT?! HE WAS YOUR CLOSE FRIEND, AND HE CARES ABOUT YOU! WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HURT EVERYONE?! MY GOD, HOW THE FUCK DOES ANYONE LIKE THIS CHARACTER? ABUSE IS NEVER A JOKE! LUCY IS A BAD!
But Blessed Lucy just smiles and gives Daisy a nice little present and says “Shut up bitch cow. Go eat some bitch grass.” And the rest of the scene is centered around Mike cowering away from Lucy, until lunchtime where
Paulo tries to get her attention and bring her to the table. Lucy though, doesn’t want to join them. Seemingly due to not wanting to make things more awkward with Mike. But Paulo persists, wanting to catch up with Lucy and hopefully get more answers from her especially given how the last time he saw her she asked him to make out with her. But…
Holy shit, Sue are you…Are you pulling a…Gillete?
Is this the best a fan can get?
Sue says this, which I can understand. Lucy is still recovering from her traumatic experience, and of course doesn’t want to talk about it right now. Understandable, and Lucy of course is distraught by this. She doesn’t like her friends fighting like this, and is pretty overwhelmed and probably guilty for the fact her reappearance has only sparked more drama and in-fighting.
But then Sue and Paulo are so focused on getting what they want, Sue being too focused on being supportive and protective of Lucy, and Paulo being too focused on trying to get answers that neither of them realize that Lucy has already gone. Not being able to bear to watch her friends fight over her, and not siding with either side…
Oh wait, sorry. No that’s just what I would’ve liked to happen, since that would’ve made sense and line up with her behavior so far. No, instead Lucy smugly walks away and thanks Susan for fighting her battles for her like an asshole. And this is the moment where a big red flag went off, and sirens were ringing in my head. That this thing is not Lucy, or rather not the Lucy I know. Not the Lucy I love. But what you probably already know. Not the Lucy I write.
I know, it’s not fair to bring up my own stuff and compare it to the canon, but I feel compelled to given that Sue’s behavior here is very in line with how she acted in January.
Sue was VERY defensive of Lucy, (as well as very angry at Paulo) but the part where January actually deviates from the canon (unintentionally) is how Lucy feels about that sort of thing.
What that chicken scratch writing is supposed to say is, “I don’t want to be that person. I don’t want to hurt anyone anymore.” Sue was very protective of Paulo, but Lucy made it clear that she didn’t want that. She didn’t want her friends fighting and near the end she says this:
Lucy would not like seeing this sort of thing happen to her friends. She’d feel guilty as anyone else would to see the people they loved or at least cared for start fighting over them. Now, I know, this is my own interpretation of the canon and of course I’m fuckin’ wrong because I’m not Taeshi. But I bring up the comparison, because if you remember my previous rants you’d know that January was meant to be a faithful story to BCB. These points aren’t just because it’s how I want Lucy to be, or because that’s how I made Lucy be…It’s because this was honestly what I thought Lucy would be. When she’s broken, the reoccurring message from Lucy is:
Did you get the message? It’s that the last thing Lucy wanted was to make things worse for her friends (in the case of the January examples: Mike). But I guess this is just what I wanted to see, and I’m sure someone is going to be happy and wanted to see Lucy feed the fire, and see her friends act like this. And I’m sure all that they will get out of this part of the rant is me saying to the canon:
But anyway what’s happening in the canon? I kinda forgo-
OH MY GOD! Holy shit, things are getting heated! While everyone scratches their heads, wondering what’s going on with Lucy, Paulo goes straight to the source an-
OH MY GAWD WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOUR FAAAAAAAAAAAAACE!? Seriously, that face is really undercutting the tension and severity of this scene. And this is a very tense scene, let me appreciate it.
Paulo is taking no shit right now! He is at his breaking point! He is fed up and wants some god damn answers! He’s going a bit too far, but it helps to show how fed up and frustrated he is. Finally snapping at Daisy, but of course now Abbey steps in to defend his lady’s honor. But it’s a bad move! Paulo is in his no-fucks mode! He’s finally gonna reveal what happened! And-
Oh what the fuck is that face?
Oh come on, not like this…
THAT’S HOW YOU’RE GOING TO TALK ABOUT AND REVEAL THAT YOU WERE ASSAULTED? LIKE A SMUG ASSHOLE? WHY IS EVERYONE TURNING INTO SMUG ASSHOLES?! How am I supposed to take this seriously? THE CHARACTER HIMSELF ISN’T TAKING THIS VERY SERIOUSLY!
At least Daisy’s taking this seriously, but again!
WHAT IS THAT FACE?! I KNOW PEOPLE KEEP TELLING ME THAT I’M ALWAYS VICTIM BLAMING, BUT THIS SHIT IS WHY I LOSE SYMPATHY!
THE MAN JUST FLIPPED FROM BEING FUMING MAD, TO BEING SMUG AND SMARMY, TO NOW TRYING TO ACT SARCASTIC!
But fuck you, I’m not gonna let these shitty expressions clearly meant to paint Paulo as a bad person even when he’s completely justified and is actually the fucking victim here; ruin my catharsis, luckily Daisy is here to take this seriously.
That’s right, Daisy! Put his feet to the fire! Don’t let him get away with this! And Abbey, what kind of bullshit excuse is that? What do you mean by “the way he’s been acting lately” You mean being passive aggressive, ignoring Daisy, or as one might say…
Staying away from her? Wanna know why I hate Abbey? This is why.
Thankfully, Daisy is standing her ground and acting like Daisy and caring about her friend being hurt.
BUT OF COURSE ABBEY HAS TO MAKE IT ABOUT HIMSELF DOESN’T HE? OH YOU POOR THING, I’M SORRY I DON’T HAVE SYMPATHY FOR THE ABUSE VICTIM WHO ASSAULTS A MOTHERFUCKER WITH COWARDICE, WHILE STILL HAVING THE GALL TO ACT LIKE HE DID NOTHING WRONG! It’s like we’re supposed to feel sorry for Abbey, that Daisy’s turned on him and taking Paulo’s side. But how the fuck is she supposed to react to that? “Oh I don’t care that you got chokeslammed, Paulo! You’re still an asshole and deserved it, and Abbey was just protecting himself!”
And to make all this better,
MAH NIGGA!
I take back every bad thing I ever said or thought about you, David! You are a 100% certified Good Boy! You took the words right out of my mouth! You’re getting a treat tonight boy! You ain’t getting no kibble and bits tonight, you’re getting the fancy feast! I bet you didn’t know Fancy Feast had food for dogs! That’s how fancy it is! Good boy!
But anyway, the chapter then goes on to show Lucy wandering the grounds. Perhaps ruminating on memories there, or perhaps looking for something…or someone~
Or at least that’s how this chapter should’ve gone, instead we’re treated to watching a bit more Abbey. And we’re supposed to feel sorry for him. Oh boo hoo, I ruined my own relationship. Why does nobody agree with me. Actually hold on, I have something for this.
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“They called it assault, but it really wasn’t my fault! Everyone else is an asshole.”
But for real, why are we focusing on Abbey? Lucy’s here, shouldn’t we be focusing on her? What the hell could be happening to Abbey now that would warrant our attentio-
OH YOU LITTLE WHORE! WHY THE TRIANGLE FACE, JASMINE?
THEY LITERALLY JUST SANK HIS SHIP, AND YOU’RE ALREADY MOVING IN! MY GOD! IS TAESHI EVEN TRYING TO MAKE THIS SHIT SEEM NATURAL ANYMORE?!
Y’know, I thought I was a bit harsh back in the day when I referred to Jasmin as a cockwarmer. I thought it was just a funny, yet apt title for her character pretty much being created solely to be shipped with Paulo after Tess, and later to be thrown away when his true ship reveals itself.
BUT OH MY GOD, JASMINE LITERALLY IS JUST A NARRATIVE COCK WARMER! Cause this whole fandom and drama is centered around shipping, just can’t let one character go unshipped! Nuh uh, gotta force Jasmine in there to keep it warm! I hope you’re happy together in background hell!
But okay, NOW we can talk about Lucy. She wanders around until…
A wild edgy boy appears! And oh man…
I ain’t gonna lie.
I fucking love this scene. I feel like this is how this chapter and reunion should’ve been.
See this is why I get so mad about those scenes, because I know even with my cynical, jaded, hardened, and worn out heart. Taeshi knows exactly how and what to do to tug at my heartstrings no matter what. And this scene is an excellent example. It’s not just seeing these characters we love reunite, but the feeling and dialogue mirrors the feeling that we as readers felt reuniting with Lucy. And the good stuff doesn’t stop there!
Not gonna lie, this got a chuckle out of me. Seeing Lucy acting like herself again, talking like she used to. It’s the first time we see her open up and act like the Lucy we know and love.
Oh wait, sorry I mean.
OH MY GOD LUCY WHAT THE FUCK?! YOU’RE SERIOUSLY DOING IT AGAIN! HITTING THOSE WHO CARE ABOUT YOU! YOU FUCKING BITCH! HOW CAN YOU DO THAT, HE’S THE ONE PERSON WHO FUCKING CARES ABOUT YOU AND YOU DO THAT! WHY DO YOU HAVE TO ABUSE EVERYONE AROUND YOU! ABBEY DINDU NUFFIN WRONG!
Shut up bitch cow, go eat some bitch grass.
But as I was saying, this scene is really the highlight of this chapter. Even when it turns our attention away from Lucy, it’s done with purpose.
It’s a well done scene that reminds us about Alejandro, and that he’s still out there, and that he is still a big threat to these characters. It’s a well done scene, showing the close relationship between Lucy and Augustus contrasted by her treatment towards her original friends. Not only that but we also are reminded of Augustus’ predicament and with it we get a good example of the amount of power Alejandro has over him. But even better, we see a bit of that fire inside Lucy that made us love her, that determined headstrong mentality that made Lucy, Lucy.
And I know I already did my obligatory January comparisons for the rant, but I just have to bring this back because I said it first.
And the scene ends with Lucy hinting at a dark missing piece of the past, before telling Augustus to meet her after class.
But enough of that good stuff, we need to spend some time with our-
Favorite character in the world. Even when she’s not being a mad bitch, she’s still not likable. Especially not with…
That…
Face…
Why must you be like this? I just gave you praise.
But aww isn’t this nice too?
Look at how sweet this is, Sam!
Aren’t you happy to see all this love for Rachel?
Isn’t this nice, Sam? You love Rachel! She’s the best character, right? Don’t you love Rachel?
Sam? Sam, why are you crying? What’s wrong? This is a happy scene! Aren’t you happy that Rachel has such close loving friends, Sam? How could you be sad about this?
Okay, but for real this scene can fuck off. I know what you’re doing Taeshi, and it’s MEAN! THAT’S JUST MEAN! On top of that, this whole section has nothing to do with anything else in this chapter. I would’ve glossed over all of this part if not for
What. The. Fuck. Is. This. Character.
But luckily we’re back to Lucy! Look Sam!
It’s Lucy! You love Lucy, don’t you? We’ve waited three long years, seen characters get destroyed, characters rebuilt, we’ve gone through all the pain, but it’s all worth it. We can finally spend time with Lucy, and Augustus! We’re gonna get those answers! We’re gonna see how she’s been! She’s going to turn this train around! She’s gonna-
WHELP! FUCK YOU TOO, I GUESS!
Well at least Augustus calls her out on that melodramatic bullshit, but for real. What is this?
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At least we can spend some time with Lucy’s family, and it’s nice to see how much they care. I just wish Lucy would reciprocate that a little. To quote my friend from the discord, paraphrasing Lucy, “As you can see I am largely unscathed. Unlike when I attempted to kill myself recently.” And people thought that Lucy having Mike feel her scar to show the truth was her being rude and manipulating.
Still, I can appreciate the chemistry, and it is pretty fun. If not a bit hollow, but that might just be this giant hole in my chest cavity that Taeshi created.
But Lucy drops the bomb, and
OH HO HO! OH NO! OH I KNOW WHAT’S COMIN’ YOU LITTLE SHIT!
Oh ho, you motherfucker I know what’s comin’. You all know what’s comin’ and I am gonna be ready to lay on the hurt. I only saw two pages of this scene, but I already have more than enough to say. I’m about to get surgical on your ass. This rant is already hella long, and I don’t want this scene getting shuffled in with all this other crap. Oh no.
This scene… It deserves my full and undivided attention.
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Would someone please pack some snacks, take me out to the woods, and shoot me? That way I can at least be useful as food.
Hit some serious milestones(?) recently. And I do mean I just drove head-on into some rocks.
Professional
Just hit my 5 year anniversary of passing the bar. That was a real kick in the face because I just started at a new firm, in a new city, in a new practice area, and I feel just as lost and stupid as I did my first day of practice. Except now, I’m too exhausted to give a fuck and learn all this new law.
This is all compounded by learning a new file management system that is THE STUPIDEST THING. I’m not allowed to make any new sub-folders, and there is no consistent naming convention. So got a big case? Need to find that one, crucial piece of discovery? Let’s hope you are a Bolean search MASTER. Oh wait, that still won’t work because the search function is garbage.
Anyway. Interestingly, this is a vast improvement from my old job (small-medium firm, small town, family law). What this has made me realize, more so than ever, that I should not have gone to law school, and I would never do it again. With that said, there’s nothing else I’m good enough at doing to make this kind of money. It’s bloody depressing.
Personal
Tl;dr - boyfriend moved at the speed of light for the first three months. I finally bought in, and decided to really go for it with him, and now he’s backing off.
So. 16 weeks ago we went on our first date. We had a pretty intense, instant connection. Talked about the serious stuff, kids, money, careers, life goals, relationship talk, etc. It was a lot. By the second date he said he had stopped talking to other people on dating apps, and wasn’t seeing anyone else. I was in no way ready to be exclusive, but he kept coming for me. Took me a little over a month to agree to be exclusive. Four weeks later he drops the “I love you.”
Once again, I am stuck being the asshole that has to be all that’s awesome, but I’m not there yet, and I’m not going to lie to you. Which... that fucking sucks. We ended up having a couple freakin’ awesome weekends together, including his birthday weekend (day with his friends, they’re great, then a super chill day with just us, some road tripping, gd magical) and I decided, fuck it. And I say it back. I know I know, “fuck it” doesn’t sound like the right way to go about it, but hear me out.
I was thinking, I have all these feels; maybe it’s love? I haven’t been in a reciprocal, loving relationship in a very long time. He’s doing all the things I want from a partner: communicating, texting me all the time, saying good morning, saying goodnight, very affectionate, great sex (not enough of it, but I guess that’s just being a woman in her 30s dating a man also in his 30s), open about his goals for the relationship and for his life, and open about his struggles. He is seeking a long-term, serious relationship, he has done the emotional growth, or at least started the process, he’s identified those areas where he needs work and is actively tackling those things, he likes his job and has career goals, and he has his finances sorted (he’s not looking for someone to support him). All the things I want, but these alarm bells just keep going off in my head. And keep going off. And keep going off.
Now, I have to give him so much credit because he engages in the hard conversations. Not only engages when I bring stuff up, but also starts them. And I know I’m exhausted with the new job, and when I’m tired, I am... not great. Now, I won’t bore you with the details, but we end up having some very, very, very heavy conversations, and we discovery that we both feel like we’re failing the other person and ourselves. We both feel like we’re walking on eggshells, like we can’t get anything right, and that we can’t really be ourselves with the other person (fucking sucks, right?!). This is followed by the revelation that by maintaining my deep desire to not be a “burden” I had made him feel unwanted. And when he feels unwanted, he doesn’t see a point in being around (fair).
So now we’ve had this groundbreaking discovery: he thinks it’s great that I have needs because then he has a job. Look at that! We’re both getting our needs met! It should also be noted, that I perceive the giving of affection as being needy (I’m a very fucked up person; we’ll leave it at that) which meant his need(s) for affection and attention weren’t being met. So in my efforts to make sure I wasn’t burdening him with all my neediness, I was also denying him the expression of the love I allegedly felt for him. Seems silly now, but it was a seriously eye opening moment for me.
Super exciting, right?! We’re on the same page, everything is awesome, we’re now moving forward together, and we’re totally committed to each other and our relationship.
Sidenote: I feel like now is a good time to mention that he has already brought up marriage, on multiple occasions. First time, was one week after our first date when he sent me a meme about being wife material, then in the text said “replace wife with with GF.” Also, he was married previously; divorced about four years ago. In that same conversation with the wife meme, he invited me to join him four months later at a four-day music festival two states away, during which time I would meet his brother, his sister-in-law and his nieces........
Anyway, we’re stupid happy, and I, like the fool of a Took I am, took him at his word that he was all in, this serious, committed relationship is what he wanted etc and I invited him to an old friend’s wedding that’s in about six weeks. His response? “Oh wow. That’s a lot. That’s huge.” To which I responded, I’m sorry. It’s what now? What did I fucking miss?! Then him, “I’m just kind of freaking out.”
what.the.actual.fuck.
So now all my alarm bells are going off again because why the fuck wouldn’t they?! This motherfucker ran immaculate game to get to a place where he is comfortable, and secure, and doesn’t need to move things forward. In fact, he’s doing exactly what I predicted, and told him I was terrified would happen: I hold out, then as soon as I finally open up and commit, you run away. And look! I was right! Exactly as predicted, right on time.
I made the mistake of rereading the first few weeks of our texts. I know people say things, exaggerate, whatever, at the beginning to look good. They do things that aren’t necessarily sustainable, that will fade over time, and reasonably so! But I feel like I’ve had partners at 3 years deep making more of an effort to engage with me and really check-in with me than he is at 3 months deep. For example, we chatted on the phone earlier for a bit, and the entire conversation was him talking about himself. His only reference to me or my well being was a statement along the lines of, “you must just be working.” I don’t need him to drag things out of me, but I use questions to gauge interest. If someone isn’t asking any questions, it’s a pretty good indicator that they aren’t interested in me much less my well-being or the banalities of my day. So if he’s not making an effort to see me (he’s not a planner, but still), he’s not curious about me, and the prospect of a low-key wedding terrifies him, how much do I really mean to him? Is this relationship what he actually wants, or is it what he’s telling himself he’s supposed to want at this stage of life?
Part of me thinks this could be the love of a lifetime, and I definitely want it to be that. Then that part is challenged by the fact that maybe I’m blinded by the blissful moments because if this chucklefuck is getting cold feet at the idea of going to a friend’s wedding around the 6-month mark of dating (he won’t even be meeting my family) after he’s spent the last three months blowing past relationship milestones at 160 mph, then what the actual fuck?
Mental
This circles back to the end of my professional update.
I have been so fucking depressed. For almost a year now. Got out of a less than healthy relationship, which made things worse for a while because it highlighted some stuff. Got a new job, which is a lot better, but being a lawyer certainly doesn’t help anything. Got a new relationship after dating a lot. And I do mean, a lot.... fuck.... so many first dates. And it’s a good relationship! I mean, when it’s good it is practically perfect, but it has been so much work. I get that anything good requires effort and work, but shit. This has been so heavy from the start.
And it just.... like... why? What am I even doing here? Using clean water and making a giant ass carbon footprint? Just consuming things? I’m not helping. I’m not making the world better. I’m just... here.... and I don’t want to be here. I haven’t wanted to be here for a very long time. My suicidal ideation keeps getting worse. I’ve brought it up to my therapist, but he isn’t super concerned. To be fair to him, I haven’t been completely honest about the severity.... I know! I know... But I can’t stand the thought of disappointing him. We’ve made such incredible progress, and how annoying must I be to come back like, yeah, I beat my night terrors, I beat the cancer, I got the job, got the boy, and I have more than enough of everything, but let me just be a whiny bitch about the meaning of life real quick.
The last couple days have been extra difficult because my platonic life partner, and for the last three years roommate, just moved out. A few months ago I had a full plan. Everything laid out, ready to go, even got halfway through, then stopped because I knew she’d be the one to find me, and I couldn’t do that to her.
Nothing looks the way I thought it would at 32. I’m glad it doesn’t look like what I thought it would at 20, but shit. Even at 30 looking towards 32, it didn’t look like this. It wasn’t this bleak. It didn’t feel this pointless.
I have no idea why I’m putting this on the internet. I think tumblr is the most appropriate place for this kind of into the void scream/crying, so here you go. It also helps to know that no one will read this.
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Tim: Hi. I'm Tim McLaughlin. As of September 2018 I am 22 years old. Born September 19th 1996. I am married to an amazing man named Lee kjellberg ([][I like it leave me alone][]). We've got 2 year old twin girls. We live with my 17 year old sister, Sam. We live in a suburb like area of L.A. I can play the main 4 orchestral instruments (violin, viola, cello, bass). I can also play trumpet, drums, and guitar.
I am working to get a teaching degree so I can sub (and actually have something to show I can be a "assistant" orchestra teacher). I am going to school now (4 years after highschool graduation) because I needed time to recover. Recover from the shit I went through during highschool. The asshole fucked me up too much. He made me not want to go to school. I didn't even want to go to college because of him. But now that I've been helping the orchestra for roughly a year now and those kiddos have helped me find the spark I had for college.
Guess this is something you'll probably wanna hear. Uh, I had expirenced alot of bullying growing up. Mainly in elementary and middle school because of my femininity. I have always been feminine. Especially now, I'm so feminine. I wear alot of fem things, keep my hair long, makeup occationally. I like it. But apparently others don't. I don't understand that. Just let guys do what they want. Same with woman! Why can they be masc but we can't be fem?? Agh, I'm just ranting now.
Oh. You'd probably like to know a bit about the twins, wouldn't you? Well. The one with the red curly hair is cherry. She's hit all of her milestones in an average amount of time. She is a very happy 2 y/o girl. She is also a huge daddy's girl! Cherry lives spending time with Lee. But sadly he isn't home often because of school. He is working so hard, he's practically over working himself. Me and the girls only see him on the weekends or night time. Uh, back on track. Gee is the one with straight red hair. Gee isn't really meeting many of the milestones on time. Gee still can't say the amount of words she needs. Or even try and combine them. And gee gets jealous because cherry can do things she can't. If course we stop her from hitting cherry cause they shouldn't hit eachother. But it still happens sadly.
Well, I've written long enough. So I will go. If you would like to know more I will answer your questions! I love answering questions.
[][drew here to say this will probably become a weekly thing. An update from an oc of mine saying how life is. If you'd like me to do this more then once a week I'll happily do it][]
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Day 2 - Anxiety
This is a vent post; you have been warned.
I’m turning off the filters because I’ve been holding a lot of this shit in. And here is a comment born of anxiety: NO ONE IS GOING TO FUCKING CARE ANYWAY.
Please don’t message me that you do care. Please don’t. I know you do. LOGICALLY. But logic and anxiety DO NOT MATCH, and if you don’t grok this, then you need to think long and hard about what that REALLY means to people with this fucking malady.
Yesterday, at the end of the day, I was hit by crushing anxiety because of an incidental interaction, that I can’t even remember the details of, just that it called into doubt NOT ONLY the individual interaction, but the cascading tree of causality of all branches of my own personal Yggdrasil.
I have anxiety, pure and simple. I worry about everything. I analyze and I double analyze and I triple analyze, and even when I set a course, I do so full of doubt. I think that people who don’t have to deal with this sort of anxiety lack even the barest hint of understanding on how deeply this affects those who do. This is not to say that they have not experienced or experience anxiety; those with the disorder just experience it at an exponentially enhanced factor.
This is Day 2 of my transition. I felt great yesterday. Almost euphoric. And by the end of the day a little...weird. I looked at the side effects of Spironolactone and Estradiol. The former wasn’t of much worry, but one side effect of the latter burned itself into my eyeballs: anxiety. And like a hypochondriac, it may have been the very suggestion of this POSSIBLE mental shift that began the spiral.
I began to question. Myself. What I’m doing. Who I am. Lingering thoughts from work intruded. Did I do the right thing? Did I make a mistake? Was my analysis of that DKIM question correct? Was my reaction to a campaign vendor out of line? Did I offend that random person in my last ticket update? I could handle it, though.
And then someone in one of the various chats I’ve been in did something that I had been thinking about, and what’s more, they did some of the things I’ve already done. And I think they did it better than I could, and they did it CASUALLY. What took me tremendous amounts of mental effort seemed to be a casual thing for them, DESITE them claiming they were new to this. What is wrong with my brain? Why do these things become a herculean struggle for me, when others breeze through them? Why can REVEILLE not be special? Why am I so mediocre? People must think I’m useless, worthless, a whiner.
What does anyone know me for, anyway? The trumpet? I suck at it. I practiced my heart out at it, and still I was mediocre. I couldn’t hack being in even a low-end, community symphony orchestra. I can’t hit the high notes in the funk band I’m in the way the subs could. The ESTABLISHED LEAD could not perform as well as the subs were sight-reading the parts. What the fuck am I doing there? I’m not a trumpet player, I’m a fucking hack. And all of these synthesizer, this music shit. I have such great ideas, and when I sit in front of these things, I stare. Or I make something, and it feels mediocre. It feels like I strayed from my original intent.
What else would anyone know me for? Posting excessive amounts of pictures of VRChat on Twitter? I can’t even get most of my fucking old friends to play the fucking game, so why would they fucking care about the “neat” things I do? Neat things that other people have already posted about. I’m retreading everyone else’s path. I don’t know why I fucking bother. Half the time in VRChat I’m horribly lonely anyway, and the great times that I KNOW happened are fully eclipsed by all the fucking times some asshole in that fucking rexie crowd stepped in front of me in a conversation as if I wasn’t fucking there. or the times in my protogen group that I said something that felt relevant, but turned out to be from an old fuckface that has nothing in common with these young, excited, optimistic kids. that That’s ALL I REMEMBER. I remember that I DIDN’T EXIST.
My art is awful. I don’t practice enough, but how can you practice when everything you touch is shit? I diddle, I dabble, and when I seek some sort of affirmation that someone appreciates my garbage, it’s always the same people. It’s like drawing a stick figure and your mom putting it on the fridge. At some point you realize she’s doing it BECAUSE YOU MADE IT, and that makes it special TO THEM. It SHOULD be special to me, that I mean that to someone, but IT DOESN’T.
I surround myself with STUFF AND THINGS because each little item has a dream associated with it, each item, EVERY ITEM, has a story not just about what I’ve already done with it, but an even bigger story of WHAT I WANT TO DO WITH IT. They will never happen. Look at this 3D Printed Toothless. “I will paint that someday” I say, but I won’t, because I would ruin it with my shoddy painting. “Look at this dull knife? I will learn how to sharpen this dull knife.” But I don’t because I’ll just scratch it and make it worse. Look at this Loopstation. I’ve made some fun loops, but I’m going to get better at it, I’m going to practice. But I won’t, because I KNOW that I can’t make it work the way it works in my head, in the story that I wrote for it. Look at this fucking trumpet I bought that costs as much as a new car, 4 top end fursuits, or a year of mortgage payments for someone in a “reasonably” priced home. The THINGS I COULD PLAY, but I FUCKING WON’T because I CAN’T. Because I’m TERRIBLE.
I love to dance. It makes me feel alive. The music just moves me. VR has been a blessing for this. I can dance whenever I want, to whatever music I want. And then someone shows up the other day and starts cutting loose. They’ve never even been to a fucking club. They watch YouTube videos. They just started doing it. Their energy is TREMENDOUS and overwhelming and I CAN’T COMPARE. I realize that I LOOK LIKE A FUCKING CLOWN when I dance. I preach to people that it doesn’t matter, that everyone looks goofy, that it’s okay, but I’m FUCKING LYING because everyone is looking at me and judging me and thinking how embarrassing it is that I’m even in the same fucking ROOM with them. WHY DO I EVEN TRY?
Do you have ANY IDEA how life is when EVERYTHING YOU DO is worthless in your eyes? It’s not that I THINK it’s worthless, it’s that I KNOW it’s worthless.
You want to argue? Fine. Logically, you are correct. There is a rebuttal for EVERY SINGLE ONE of these admissions, and a rebuttal for the hundreds of other issues.
My hair looks dumb.
I look stupid with painted fingernails.
I can’t drive very good, and people notice.
My musical taste is awful.
I’m doing a bad job raising this new kitten.
I did a horrible job raising Bean.
I did a horrible job raising Harley.
I’m terrible at physicality.
My cooking is mediocre and samey.
I’m fat and gross.
I’m ugly as shit.
I look stupid in a dress.
My makeup looks like a kindergartner with a sharpie.
I suck at all video games.
No one likes the books I read.
I like the MCU and that’s horrible.
I like Apple products and that’s horrible.
My taste in computer hardware is shit.
My taste in clothes is shit.
My taste in cars is shit.
My glasses look dumb.
I made a mistake the last time I got my eyes checked because I’m stupid.
Only morons have as many knives as I do.
My voice is awful.
My photography was a joke, and I was a fool to have ever thought anyone gave a rat’s ass about my photos.
People think I’m a useless stoner.
I drink too much and am a fucking drunk that no one wants to hang around with.
My various bands have me there because they don’t know how to tell me to hit the road.
My VRChat characters are unremarkable and beneath notice.
DO I NEED TO CONTINUE???
These are the random thoughts that went through my head in rapid fire in the past 5 minutes. It took me longer to type them, at over 100wpm, than it did for them to fill my brain with their toxicity.
Do you have any idea what that’s like? To have everything you’ve done, ever done, and will do be called into question ad infinitum? To second-guess everything you say, everything you do, even every thought that goes in your head? Now wrap your head around this part:
Every one of those thoughts goes through multiple iterations of “Is it real? No it’s not real. But what if it is? What if you’re wrong? It’s probably real. Yeah, it’s real. But is it real? What if it is? Maybe I’m wrong? Yeah, I’m wrong, it’s real. But what if you’re wrong about it being real? Maybe it’s not real? Yeah, it’s probably not real. But you could be wrong about that, too.”
Every.
Fucking.
One.
*deep breath*
I started this post with the intent to write a little bit about the anxiety I’d been feeling. Turns out, I was wrong about how much was in there. I have anxiety dreams on a regular basis, more times than I admit, and likely even more than I can remember. I was at a convention last night. As usual, I missed every event. As usual, I missed every friend. As usual, I was late to every party. As usual, there was an elevator. Usually the elevator goes tot he wrong floor, or dumps me off either at the top of a maze of hotel rooms, outside a giant building with multiple staircases, or in the service tunnels beneath the building.
This time to elevator fell.
And it fell.
And it fell.
I legit thought this was it. I was going to die in this dream.
The brakes snapped on, and I woke up.
I never got back to REM. Tossed and turned for a few hours. Tried my usual trick of counting backwards form 100. I would lose count at about 94. My brain just...disintegrated. Over and over, it fragmented, then reformed back at my anxieties. When I don’t sleep, I’m especially susceptible to anxiety and depression.
Case in point.
========================
I’ve been mulling over what I just wrote. I felt all of that, in the moment. It looks silly now, on paper, as it were. But that’s just another aspect of the anxiety. A coping mechanism, if you will. “You’re just being silly”. And as usual, I’m already getting brain-foggy over the things I said. I forget about it again, because that’s what the brain does: it suppresses trauma.
All I know is I was near tears when I wrote all of that stuff up there; I remember that much, very clearly.
That memory will fade too.
And anxiety says to me, to write “It will fade, just like everything about me.”
So I wrote it, and I pretend to myself that I don’t believe it. That I don’t feel that I am all of those things I wrote about above. That everything...is fine.
And, at least for a little bit, it will be. Those scores of thoughts will reduce to, oh, maybe 10. Not all will be toxic, but most will be a worry of some sort. A question. A question to myself, of myself, about myself.
Anxiety and Depression and ADHD and Mania and other “Mental Misfires” are not things that ever “go away”. I may wake up, and the dream may fade, but the harsh reality is that, no matter what meds, no matter how much therapy, if you have this stuff, the dreams will come back. The severity will come and go., but...
The dreams always come back.
========================
I’m out of steam. The fire is cooled. I’m done writing for now, and no one wants to hear anything else about this, anyway, least of all me.
Peace, y’all.
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