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daisynik7 · 11 months

Text

Give You Blue

Chapter 5: Dreams

Pairing: Eren x f!reader, Reiner x f!reader (past relationship)

Rating: Explicit (for mature content)

cw: switching POVs (reader is in 2nd person, Eren is in 3rd), implications of a panic attack and anxiety, language, angst, mature content, sexually explicit content

Word Count: ~3.9k

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Give You Blue Masterlist | ao3 | Give You Blue Taglist

Summary: Your friendship with Eren is taken to the next level. You have a sweet dream that turns into a nightmare. Eren tells his parents that he is considering changing his major. Author’s Note: What do we think of this chapter? I know it’s a bit of a slow burn, so I appreciate you sticking with this! Likes, comments, and/or reblogs are always appreciated. If you want to be tagged in the next chapter(s), please let me know! Divider created by @/mikeykuns.

You press firmly on the strings of the guitar, stretching your pinky as far as you can to reach whatever note Eren instructed you to. With a gentle strum, you play the chord. Well, sort of. It definitely doesn’t sound the way it did when he showed you. You drop your head, sighing. “Okay, it’s official. I suck at guitar.”

Eren sits crossed legged in front of you. “You don’t. Try again,” he encourages, a small smile on his face.

“I can’t get my hands to bend the right way!” You hold your palm out in front of him, twisting your fingers in all types of misshapen claw formations. “Admit it. I suck.”

“You don’t suck.”

“It’s okay, I’ve accepted it! And as my mentor, you should too. Say it.”

“I will not,” he refuses, folding his arms over his chest, smirking.

“C’mon, Eren! Look,” You play the broken chord again, louder this time, trying to prove a point. “See?! Say it!”

He chuckles, responding quietly, “Okay, maybe you do suck at this. Just a little bit,” pinching a small space of air between his thumb and index finger.

You set the guitar back on its stand, laughing. “Ha! I knew it. This tells me that I should leave this to the professionals.” You grin at him, hugging your knees to your chest as you sit across from him on the carpeted floor.

Ever since the game-night Eren hosted a few weeks ago, the two of you have grown closer. More often now, you find yourself in his room, chatting about life, listening to each other vent, watching a movie, or indulging in his wonderful guitar skills. He even attempted to teach you the stringed instrument; the key word being attempted. Being with him makes you almost forget the misery that you suffered at the beginning of this semester. Almost.

Reiner remains relentless in his efforts to contact you. While you’ve managed to avoid any personal confrontations ever since the last one outside your dorm, he hasn’t stopped reaching out through text. A few times throughout the week, he’ll call you, leaving a short message that’s along the lines of, “Hey, it’s me again. Call me when you’re ready to talk.” You never pick up, nor respond, and still, he tries.

You wish you were unfazed by it, but parts of you cling to the past. Deep down, it pains you to ignore him. Sometimes, you see him as Reiner, your best friend, the kid you grew up with. Protecting you on the playground, confiding in you during his lowest moments, picking you up during yours. And as much as you want to preserve those memories of him like a delicate treasure, one bad breakup is enough to shatter it. To make you realize that maybe the two of you should have stayed friends all along, and nothing more.

Surprisingly, you’ve been able to talk about this easily with Eren. Annie has always been your main confidant throughout, but her less than gentle approach sometimes leaves you defeated, as if you’re wrong for having these conflicted feelings for your ex. As much as you’d like to be completely, one hundred percent over him, it isn’t that simple. And with Eren, he understands that. Having no stakes in it, or knowing who Reiner is, he listens to your inner turmoil without judgment. He makes you feel normal.

He's been opening up to you, too, sharing his on-going struggles with his pre-med major and the impossible expectations of his father. He maintains that pleasant smile on his face, despite being crushed by whatever weight that’s been forced on him from an early age. A victim of suffering he’s been subjected to inherit, without any say. It’s his father’s burden that was passed on to him, to continue whatever legacy he thinks will help the world. Dr. Jaeger is always looking out for the greater good of society, never about his own family.

It’s been nice confiding in each other, not having to hold back for the sake of each other’s feelings. When you were with Reiner, you always had to be extra cautious around him, wanting to avoid saying anything that might hurt him. In Eren’s case, he’s never been able to be honest with his father. While he has his mother, he can’t always be completely honest with her, not wanting to cause any rift amongst his parents.

Eren is actually considering changing his major. He’s been in contact with Erwin Smith, getting an idea of what the process would look like. The senior has been more than helpful, alleviating any concerns he might have about the transition, even setting up a time to meet with his father, who works as a teacher at a nearby elementary school. Still, he’s apprehensive to make the final step, as expected. It’s a big decision, one that changes the course of his future. It might cause drama between him and his family. No matter what he ends up deciding, you’ve made it clear that you’ll support him through and through.

You check your phone for the time. “It’s getting late. I should probably head back to my room now before Annie gets worried.”

He chuckles, rubbing the back of his neck. “Yeah, wouldn’t want her getting an ideas about us.”

“Oh, believe me, she already has. She’s convinced we’re dating,” you say, standing up.

He follows, stepping towards the door, fingers at the handle. “How scandalous! I can picture the headlines now: Anxiety-ridden RA whisks beautiful resident off her feet to run away into the sunset together.”

You beam at him. “Now that’s a story I’d love to read.”

He smiles back. “Me too.”

Recently, there’s been a shift in energy between you two. There’s no denying it: you are attracted to him, both to his magnetic personality and his charming looks. But there’s this everlasting guilt in the pit of your stomach, preventing you from pursuing anything romantic with him. Simply imagining it brings you shame, like it’s inappropriate to think about. Obviously, you and Reiner are over, maybe for good. And you’re almost certain he’s been with other women since, at least, that’s what your self-conscious mind theorizes. So what’s stopping you? Is it fear? Fear of working hard at another relationship, only for it to crumble before your feet, like it did with your ex? You can’t take any more heartache. It’s easier to avoid it all together.

As you’ve said before, the easier road isn’t always better. And the optimistic, love-sick fool in you believes there’s a chance at a happy ending, this time with Eren instead of Reiner. It’s new, foreign territory, a journey filled with the unknown. Is it worth the risk?

For now, you keep these thoughts buried in the back of your mind. You value your friendship with Eren, enough to not ruin it. Besides, you’re unsure how he feels about you. Maybe you’re better off as friends and nothing more, just as it should have been with Reiner. And while this hurts to realize, it’s better for everyone in the long run. There’s no room for heartbreak if you don’t give your heart to anyone. It’s that simple, right?

He holds open the door for you, leaning against the frame. “Sweet dreams.”

“You always say that,” you giggle.

“Well, that’s because I mean it. I really hope you have some seriously sweet dreams tonight.”

You step out into the hall slowly. “Thanks, Mr. RA. I wish the same for you, too. Goodnight.” With a final wave, you head into your room, cheeks pleasantly warm with a bright smile on your face.

~~~

“You’re beautiful.”

Eren lays beside you in bed, cupping your face in his hand, thumb brushing delicately along your cheekbone. He leans closer, lips brushing yours into a gentle kiss. A rush of heat radiates to every inch of your skin, electricity buzzing through your veins. “I want you to feel good,” he whispers, mouth grazing your ear, fingers sliding down your throat and to your chest, resting his palm over your heart. You hold your breath as he touches you, nervous to be vulnerable with him.

Sensing this trepidation, he pulls away to look at you, tipping your chin towards him to meet his gaze. With a comforting smile, he says, “It’s okay. You’re safe with me.”

And you believe him. At his words, you’re at ease, letting his hands caress your body, stripping you naked. He scatters kisses on your neck, trailing down your stomach, slowly making his way between your thighs. Peering up at you, he asks, “Can I taste you?”

You nod, eager to feel his tongue on you.

He latches his lip on your arousal, licking and slurping at your clit. Your fingers are bunched in his hair, feeling his head thrash side-to-side against your pussy.

“Fuck, Eren. Feels so good,” you moan, indulging in the pleasure.

At the mention of his name, he suddenly stops. When he raises his head to look at you, it’s Reiner. He crawls up to face you, nose-to-nose, sneering. “How could you do this to me, Coco? Cheating on me with your fucking RA? You fucking bitch.”

You stare at him, wide-eyed and in shock, limbs rigid at your sides, unable to move. You’re trapped beneath him, the air growing thin, making it difficult to breath. As you suffocate, he grabs your face in a rough grasp, seething the words, “Cheater, cheater, cheater” over and over again…

You wake up with sweat beading on your forehead, blanket twisted around your limbs. Guilt weighs heavily on your chest as you take deep breaths to calm down. It was a dream, thankfully. Reiner’s never called you a bitch before. It was the worst version of him your mind could think of in the form of a nightmare.

Sitting up in bed, wiping the perspiration from your face, you recall Eren’s uncanny farewell to you hours earlier. It definitely started as a sweet dream; the idea of you and Eren being intimate with each other has you flustered. All the times you’ve been alone with him in his room, elbows grazing, hands brushing, the shared looks that last seconds longer than they need to. It’s a leap of faith, to cross that line. And fear is what holds you back. Fear of failure, of falling in love to only stumble out of it again. Fear and guilt. It’s silly to feel guilty about it, especially since you’re the one who got your heart broken. But nightmare Reiner calling you a bitch and a cheater haunts you.

You lay back down in bed, fitting your head comfortably in your pillow. It takes a while longer for you to fall asleep; eventually, you do. And deep down, you’re disappointed when you don’t have another dream about Eren.

~~~

Eren sits in an alcove on his favorite beach, watching the sunset on the horizon. He managed to catch this beautiful sight before he has to meet his parents for dinner. It’s their semi-annual visit; his father managed to squeeze him in on his very busy schedule. Lucky him.

He takes this time to lose himself, pretend that it’s just him and the sea, basking in the day’s last moments of sunshine. It’s too pretty to indulge in all alone. Suddenly, he has the urge to share this with someone else. Without thinking, he scrolls through his contacts, finding the one person he wants to talk to. The resident from Room 104. His friend.

It takes two rings until she answers. “Hey, are you okay?”

He smiles to himself, amused at her immediate concern. He realizes now that he’s never actually called her before. They’ve texted plenty, exchanged funny tweets, greeted each other good mornings and goodnights. But to hear her in his ear, as if she’s sitting beside him, feels right. “Yeah, I’m fine. I just called to say hi.”

There’s a beat before she responds with a simple, “Hi.” He can practically hear the rounded cheeks on her face. His chest swells, happy he decided to dial her number. “Where are you right now?” she asks.

“I’m watching the sunset on the beach,” he replies, wiggling his toes into the sand.

“Really?”

“Yeah. It’s beautiful here. It puts my mind at ease.” He wants to add that her soothing voice has the same effect; he decides to keep that to himself.

She hums. “Sounds like paradise. Where is this, exactly?”

“It’s my super-secret spot. No one knows about it, not even Armin or Mikasa. You have to be really special to know about it.”

She laughs. “I guess I’ll have to charm it out of you, then.”

Too late. He unsure exactly when it started, but lately, Eren has been seeing her in a different light. From the first time they met, even though snot and tears as she cried over her ex because of a cupcake, he was drawn to her. In a weird way, he felt a connection; she’s going through her own struggles like he is. Everyone around him is having a fabulous time, nailing their classes, partying like there’s no tomorrow. And he never resented his friends for enjoying their college experience. He felt left out. Different.

And maybe it’s true: misery really does love company. However, being with her is far from miserable. Although they confess to one another their strife in life, it’s cathartic, like a cumbersome burden gradually easing away. When they’re not complaining about annoying exes or overbearing parents, they’re sharing new memories together, learning more about each other, solidifying that bond. That connection.

He likes her, enjoys being around her. Sacrifices precious study time to teach her guitar, though she really does suck at it. He forgets about the unending quizzes and tests he has to constantly prepare for because he’d rather sit on his carpeted floor, snacking on Pocky Sticks or eating Chinese takeout with a movie playing on his laptop. He’d choose her over textbooks any day because being with her is like an escape. A breath of fresh air when he’s otherwise suffocating from the pressure.

Before he realizes, he’s saying, “I’ll show you this one day. You’ll love it.”

“Does that mean I’m special?” she teases. He pictures her on the other line, smiling with the phone pressed to her ear, lying in bed. All cozy in the sheets, probably in some dainty pajamas. The hem of her shirt riding up, exposing that cute belly. Maybe she isn’t wearing a bra, nipples peaked through the fabric…

He’s officially lost it. Face hot with shame, he rattles his head, as if doing so will eliminate the naughty thoughts occupying his mind. Swallowing hard, he answers, “You are special. Very, very special…” It comes out awkwardly. His cheeks are sweltering with both guilt and embarrassment now. What’s going on with him?

Luckily, she seems to think he’s still normal, replying, “You’re special too, Mr. RA. Thank you for being such a good friend to me.”

Friend. He has to remind himself that they’re just that, and nothing more. If only she knew the effect he has on him. Would she give him a chance?

His phone vibrates in his hand, and he knows it’s his mom texting him that they’re on the way. It’s his cue to head back into town. He reluctantly says goodbye, nothing else incriminating coming out of his mouth. With one last glance at the ocean, he turns around towards his car, dreading what’s to come.

~~~

Less than an hour later, Eren and his parents are sitting around a table at an Italian restaurant downtown. The waiter serves their drinks, iced water for Eren, two glasses of red wine for his parents. His mom is holding over most of the conversation, catching Eren up on all of the family news. He doesn’t care, but he likes listening to her talk. It’s relaxing for him, allows him to not think about anything else. That is, until his father starts speaking.

“Eren, Zeke’s been telling me you haven’t been performing well in Organic Chemistry. Is that true?”

What a fucking snitch. It doesn’t surprise him; Zeke’s always knocking Eren down a peg so he can look taller in the eyes of their father. And while he says he means well, he actually doesn’t. However, this is a good opportunity to segue into what he actually wants to discuss. “Yeah, dad. That’s true. Ochem is really kicking my ass right now.”

Dr. Jaeger takes a swig of his wine. “Do you need a tutor? I’ll give you money to hire one.”

Eren tips his water into his mouth, gulping slowly. He’s getting nervous, second guessing himself if he should really say what’s been on his mind for the past couple weeks. Before he chickens out, he decides to go for it. “Actually, I’m considering changing my major.”

The silence is loud, even with the other patrons clinking their dishes and chatting away. His mother stares at him, eyes wide and mouth parted open. His father swirls the alcohol in his hand, staring at the liquid whirling around the glass. It lasts for at least a full minute, or at least, that’s what it seems like to Eren. He’s tempted to add, “Just kidding!” to make this painfully uncomfortable quiet disappear.

Finally, his father speaks. “If this is your idea of a joke, it’s not very funny, Eren.”

“I’m not kidding.”

He leans forward, inspecting his son’s face carefully. “What would you change it to?”

Eren taps his foot nervously beneath the table, responding, “Education. I want to be a teacher.”

His father barks a cruel laugh, startling your mother and the neighboring table, who stares, intrigued. “Teacher? You want to be a teacher? Eren, this is ludicrous. I’m not going to waste my money on your tuition for you to become a teacher.”

“What’s wrong with being a teacher?!” Eren snaps.

“I’m paying for you to become a doctor. Teachers don’t make any money.”

Eren mumbles, “Not everything in life is about money.”

“That’s a very naïve mindset. How will you support a family without a decent income?”

“There are plenty of teachers who can afford to raise a family, so I don’t see how that’s relevant.” And besides, making more money doesn’t automatically mean you’re a better parent. Prime example is Dr. Jaeger himself, but Eren knows better than to throw that back to him.

His dad shakes his head, massaging his temples as if he’s got a bad headache. “You need to hire a tutor, Eren. The courses are difficult, but getting a tutor will help.”

“It’s not just that, dad. I’m not happy. I don’t want to be a doctor.”

His mom chimes in. “Honey, are you sure you’ve given this enough thought? This is a big decision.”

He nods. “I have. It’s been on my mind for a while now. And I know in my heart this is what I want.”

She gives him a small grin, glancing at her husband, who’s reeling in his seat. “Grisha, it’s going to be okay.”

“Carla, this is his future. He’s ruining his life.”

Eren scoffs. “Dad, is it really that bad?”

He glares at him. “You were supposed to take over my practice.”

“You have Zeke.”

He continues to rattle his head, freaking out. “If you change your major, I will not pay for the rest of your tuition.”

It’s a threat. Eren’s prepared for the worst. “I’ll get a job, take out loans. If you don’t want to support me, fine. But that’s not going to change my mind.”

It’s silent again for what seems like forever. Suddenly, Dr. Jaeger stands up, tossing his napkin from his lap onto the table. “I can’t listen to this anymore. Carla, we’re leaving.”

“Grisha.”

He stares at Eren dead in the eyes. “You were supposed to be special. I had very high hopes for you, Eren. Now, you’re just a disappointment.”

It’s words. That’s all it is. Eren has to remind himself that. Sticks and stones, right? But the disdain on his father’s face, the contempt dripping in his frown, all of that combined with what comes out of his mouth so easily, without a hitch in his breath. It breaks his heart. He is not prepared to hear this. While it doesn’t completely surprise him, it still hurts. He fights the tears, gulping down the sorrow building in his throat. Drinking the remaining water in his empty cup as his father storms off, his mother chasing after him, pleading with him to come back. Eren waits a couple of minutes, hoping they return, that his dad apologizes and takes back what he said. It doesn’t happen. His phone vibrates and reveals a text from his mom.

Mom: I’m sorry honey

Mom: We’re driving back home now

Mom: I will talk to your father and I will call you later

In the worst timing possible, the food they ordered minutes before disaster is served. Eren asks the waiter to package everything up, no longer hungry. After he pays the check, he drives back to campus, grip tight on the wheel, listening to whatever music is on his playlist at full volume. Trying to drown his father’s words replaying over and over in his head. You were supposed to be special. I had very high hopes for you. You’re just a disappointment.

He parks the car in his usual spot, sulking in the driver’s seat for a little while longer until he exits, carrying the heavy bag of pasta towards his room. It’s a Friday night, and of course, the dorms are empty because everyone is out partying, not being a disappointment to their parents. He approaches his door, leaning forward to press his forehead against, feeling like he’s at the bottom of the barrel, trying to claw his way out somehow. He can’t call his mom because she’s probably too busy dealing with the aftermath. So, he dials the only other person he knows will listen. The only other person he can rely on.

She picks up his call quickly, after one ring. “Eren?”

He thinks he can hear her faintly down the hall from inside her bedroom. His feet shuffle towards Room 104, dragging the to-go bag of food along with him. “Hi,” he greets, sullen.

“Are you okay? Where are you?” She sounds concerned, and in this fucked up state he’s in, it’s what he needs. Someone who cares.

“No, I’m not,” he sniffles, tears rolling down his cheeks. “It was a mistake. I should have never said anything.”

“Where are you?” she repeats, more frantic this time. From outside, he can hear her bed squeak as she hops off it. The swish of a jacket. The jingle of keys. Seconds later, she opens the door, finding him already standing there, begging for comfort.

And it’s not weird when she hugs him, wrapped around his torso, her face nestled into his chest. She fits into him like a puzzle piece, a missing one he never knew he needed. This is the closest they’ve been, probably the most they’ve ever touched. Yet something about this is familiar. Maybe it’s the warmth radiating from her affectionate embrace. Or the way he instinctually bows his head to nuzzle his nose at the top of her head. This is what he’s yearned for, dreamed of. Someone who looks at him like he’s worth something, even when other’s see a failure. Someone who holds him tightly with every fiber of her being to make sure he knows he’s loved. It’s in the way she presses her ear to his chest, listening to his heartbeat. How her hand massages small circles onto his back, chanting, “It’s okay, Eren. It’s going to be okay.”

And with her in his arms, he actually believes it.

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589 notes · View notes

kyojurismo · 11 months

Note

Can I have an emergency request? I don't want to seem like I'm venting, but recently I feel like somethings wrong with my family. My mom works midnights by herself to support all of us, my dad has a breathing condition and cant work and lately they've been fighting so much more than they used to and bringing me and my brothers into it. They've been cursing each other out and my parents have always or at least for a long time been very Cristian so hearing them do that scares me. On top of that my mom is verbally abusive to me and my dad loves to guilt trip me and my brothers and they except me to pick sides and honestly I just can't wait till I've saved a enough and learned the language to move to another country. Today I was trying to catch up on some things and my parents where fighting and my mom stormed out of the house and drove off which she has never done and im just really scared and stressed now and I just want some comfort maybe with Giyuu, Sanemi, or Hantengus' clones (platonic or romantic) who get home and reader / S/O is just crying and struggling to breath because they're parents are constantly trying to bring reader into they're own problems and reader feels like everything is always their responsibility and they just break down

# sanemi shinazugawa & hantengu clones (sekido & aizetsu)

tags : gn!reader, soft sanemi, i’ve never written for the hantengu clones so if they seem ooc just ignore it lmao, angst, comfort, not proofread.

a/n : alright since the clones are a lot i decided to write for only two of them 😭 i hope that’s fine anyway… i’m sending you a big hug and i hope everything gets better <3

SANEMI SHINAZUGAWA

sanemi would help you calm down and invite you to breathe with him

that way you would feel a tiny bit better

then he would wipe your cheeks and fill you with sweet words, trying his best to get you to relax

then he would hold you close to his chest and ask you if you want to talk about it

he won’t judge you, just be there to comfort you the best he can

sanemi would caress your hair, your back, your face, peppering your face with kisses

“it’s gonna be okay, i promise,” he would whisper into your ear, holding you to his chest

SEKIDO

man would see red (lol) the moment he notices you crying

would get close to you and help you calm down

“yeah, breathe in and out like this.”

once you’re calm enough he would try his best to comfort you

reluctant but would hug you and caress your head slowly

“wanna talk about it?” his tone would be gentle even if he’s annoyed that someone or something made you cry

once you open up, he would lowkey think about murdering your parents ngl

he would hold you until you’re completely calmed and feel a bit better

AIZETSU

would probably cry with you while holding you into his arms

of course he would help you calm your breathing, as he doesn’t want to make you feel suffocated

he needs to make sure you’re comfortable with him holding you

“i’m so sorry darling, so sorry,” his voice is soft but full of sorrow (well)

i hc him to be super touchy so he would surely hold you close and keep his head close to yours

sometimes he would kiss your cheeks and look at you with tears in his eyes as you open up to him

“oh darling . . . i pity you,” he genuinely feels bad for your situation, “but i promise you it will be okay.”

reblogs & comments are super appreciated! thank you for taking your time reading it, i hope you enjoyed it. have a good day / night <3

#📂 — writing !!#sorry if it’s short but i felt bad for keeping u wait so …#sanemi shinazugawa x reader #sekido x reader #aizetsu x reader #sanemi shinazugawa imagine #sanemi shinazugawa fanfic #sekido imagine #sekido fanfic #aizetsu imagine #aizetsu fanfic #kny sanemi #kny sekido #kny aizetsu #kimetsu no yaiba #kimetsu no yaiba fanfic #demon slayer #demon slayer fanfic

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ashersanity · 4 months

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Hey, Asher. This is degenerate anon once again. Sorry for swarming your inbox with my asks 😭 I noticed you haven't been doing so well (because I may or may not be stalking your tags), and I just wanted to double-check, hope you're doing well. You're a pretty cool person and I'm kinda worried about your state Please, don't overwork yourself, whether it goes down to answering asks or other things like work or studies. We can wait as long as we have to for the first case, and you're a human too. What you do already is far more than enough I also just wanna remind you that you're awesome, and if anybody says otherwise, I'll punt them to the moon. I would have offered my inbox too, but I said some very embarrassing shit, there is absolutely no way I'm getting off anon, so all I can say is that I'll always be here for you, presence-wise. Eat and rest well today, you deserve a break (˘͈ ᵕ ˘͈♡) - Whitney's left tit- whoops, I meant... Degenerate anon :)

Lmfaooooo what. nah.

heavy vent. scroll past. thanks. →

Really, the last thing I really wanted when I made those posts was to worry anyone, not that I think I would but now I’m seeing a bunch of people suddenly reaching out to me and asking if I’m okay. I appreciate it a lot, really I do and you too, degenerate anon, for even bothering to ask when you could’ve scrolled past or played off those tags as shits n giggles since that’s what it sort of was in my head anyway. I wasn’t exactly in the best of states when I wrote those. Sometimes, rarely so, it gets so bad that I’m acting on impulse, sputtering out bullshit about wanting to end it right then and there, that it’d be better this way if I was never born at all. Its fucking hysterical how I play it off right after as if I didn’t just casually mention it a bit ago because truth is, I’m not okay yet I don’t want to reach out to anyone either in fear of being a bother and the vulnerability that comes with it. This whole persona of being obscenely horny for entertainment, unserious just for it to be a coping mechanism.

Not exactly sure why I’m laying it out all on you when you didn’t even ask for it, it’s selfish to do so but your ask just really made the words scramble and be put together in my brain as though I finally had the opportunity to answer the why to my question. Why the fuck am I like this. Why the fuck am I plagued with this utter crap of dealing with whatever the fuck this is. I don’t know what it really is, some have told me it’s depression and I’m simply in denial about it. Maybe I am. I’ve been through worse than this, especially in the lockdown though this somehow feels worser for no reason. I’m supposed to have gotten my shit together by then, moved out, new life, new place to settle in, new people, people who are actually kind and welcoming, regularly work out and whatnot.

I still feel like utter shit. I still feel like I’m not doing enough. To be honest, life is moving way too fucking fast for me, one day I’m still a young kid who’s spending his time all day at the park and the next I’m supposed to be a grown adult who’s got all his shit together by then, who has responsibilities, responsibilities that cannot be ignored nor pushed away no matter how much I try to run away from my problems. I know that it’s not that hard, at least, not compared to other people I’ve seen who have it so much harder and still manage through it all while I’m barely hanging on by a thread. It’s so pathetic, god. I need a shitty fictional character from a porn game to even cope about it but even then, there’s so much I can think about before reality hits me once more and I’m left to deal with my thoughts alone in the dark while my roommate is dozing away in the next room.

I hate it so much, I feel as though im not good enough no matter what I do, no matter what I try is simply not enough to measure to other people’s expectations or mines either, not that I think of myself much to begin with. Even when people tell me that what I do is good, wether it be art, writing, who I am as a whole, that they enjoy talking to me because I am who I am, reassured on my appearance too because no matter how many compliments I get I still feel like a monster hiding beneath a layer of flesh moulded to look like that of a human. I feel displaced. I feel as though I don’t belong. It’s not there’s nothing in the world for me, it’s simply I’m nothing for the world itself.

I’m a burden. It’s as simple as that, the amount of guilt that I feel when people express affection towards me, wether it be friends, family members, hell even romantic partners which I may or may not have rejected all from the horror of intimacy. Whenever they tell me they love me to my face, that they worry for me whenever I’m in a bad state, I can’t help the pit that fills my stomach nor the lump in my throat because I truly am undeserving of this fucking love. Give it someone else, please. Anyone but me because they need it more than I do, than whatever the fuck of a shitty person that I am.

I have it bad, so fucking bad that when someone hugged me today, I was practically burying my face in their shoulder and clinging onto dear life because by god, this is the only time I’ll ever allow myself such contact every time I push it away. Nearly burst into tears like a moron too even if I rarely do ever cry since it’s been ingrained in my head to never cry, boys don’t cry, he says, only sissies do and the last thing I wanna be is a pussy. Cried in front of him once as a kid and he told me to get my shit together and suck it up unless I wanna be beaten up in the adult world. So bad that someone actually caught me crying once and I quickly played it off as physical pain (recurring stomach ache) hurting me so bad that tears were spilling, frantically reassuring them that I’m good. Sometimes I do wonder, why i am the one to reassure others.

I know that if I actually reached out to the people that have offered, sought a therapist like a few people have recommended to, it would possibly get better or maybe not. It would probably do more good and I’d be able to sort through these feelings for sure but I won’t. I fucking won’t. I’ve gotten used to bottling up these feelings. Fuck, I’ve repressed them from years and it seems they’re finally spilling in this overly long ass post that no one will bother reading. That’s fine with me because I really need to say it out loud for once even if it’s written through text on a fucking platform called Tumblr where cock is more prevalent than someone’s fucking life.

I’m not okay. That’s the thing. I’m not fucking okay. I wish I could play it off as I usually do whenever people ask me such questions like “how are you” irl. I wish I could say it out loud, say it to their faces, say what I really am. I’m not okay. I’m not fucking okay and I don’t think I’ll be okay soon either because I’ve not fucking okay for so long that it’s getting to me. I’m not okay. I’m miserable actually, I’m so fucking miserable that I wish I could just sleep forever and never wake up again. I’m so fucking miserable that there’s not a day that goes by where there’s this fleeting thought in the back of my mind that wonders, wonders how better it’d be if I were to disappear altogether, stop being a burden to those around me. I’m so fucking miserable that I didn’t even bother answering your well-intentioned question and instead am laying myself bare to the world on a shitty tumblr post. I’m so fucking miserable that I had to pause as I type this because it’s as though I’m finally admitting the obvious truth that I’ve been unwilling to say. I’m so fucking miserable that I just wish I could curl up into a ball and freely cry into someone’s lap, I wish I could fucking yell it even.

I’m not okay. I’m not fucking okay. No matter how much I say it in these written words it doesn’t seem to equal to the amount of times I had to muffle myself, clasp a hand over my mouth in the darkness of my room as a teenager so that my noisy parents don’t overhear my cries. I’m not fucking okay because even when I tell myself as an adult now, that I’m over it, I’m not. I’ve been going through it for so very long, willingly choosing to suffer in silence because it’s the easiest for me even if it will ruin me in the end. It’s already ruining me and eating me from the inside. I’d rather dump all of this crap on here than even say it to the people who’re close to me, asking about it.

I’m burnt out, I’m tired. I wish to rest but I can’t.

Because I think I’m fucking a piece of shit who doesn’t deserve such.

I hope you’re doing better than me, degenerate anon. Sincerely so, you deserve it and thanks for even asking again despite the few interactions we’ve had through asks. You’re my favorite anon for sure.

But ahah, im doing fine lmfao.

#LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO #lmfao #lol #XD even #I’m so silly #so fucking close to losing it #aren’t we all? lololololol #cringe #dumb post #mentions of wanting to fucking kill my self #oops i guess?#degenerate anon #asher in the flesh #delete this shit rn

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broflovski-brah · 4 months

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INTRO POST

Blog(s)

Hey! I’m Skipper! Or Skippy for short. This is my main blog where I post about random shit. Most of it has to do with Kyle Broflovski or his family in general. So mainly, if you don’t like him, you probably won’t like my blog, so heed my warning.

I post hot takes, headcanons, and random shit that fits my mood. I vent occasionally but always tag them accordingly, so block #vent or any trigger warnings you may have. I like to be interactive with my followers, so if you wanna add onto any headcanons or you feel like you wanna submit a headcanon to me go right ahead! This is a Kyle centric blog for the most part though so do keep that in mind.

ANY AND ALL CHARACTERS IN FICS OR OTHERWISE ARE 16+ UNLESS STATED OTHERWISE.

I have a few blogs that I run!

My polls blog (I’m always willing to take suggestions/requests, so just send them over there!)

South Park x Pokémon (kinda inactive on this one)

South Park x Mythical Creatures (kinda inactive on this one)

G/T (Basically stands for giant/tiny, so one character is giant while the other is well-tiny.)

South Park x Reader stuff (Requests are open!)

South Park Ask Blog (Asks are open!!)

Art Blog (Requests are open!)

Sickfics/stuff I find cute but others probably dont (Requests are open for both art and fics!!)

Go give them a follow if you’re interested!!

Blog Rules

I am not a shipper. At all. So please do not interact with me about any ship, be it Style, Kyman, Stendy, whatever. I don’t want to talk about ships. Not on my posts and not in my DMs. I will give you a warning but if it’s a repeated offense I will block you.

Do not interact with me or any of my blogs if you are below the age of 16. I’ve been lenient with this, but I mean it. And if I find out you are lying about your age so I will DM you, that will be an immediate block and report.

If you’re a Kyle anti, you’re not gonna like me much. So don’t put your hatred towards Kyle/the Broflovski family in the notes of any of my posts. Again, immediate block.

If you support fanon portrayals of the characters, or you truly believe Wendy and Sheila are awful people, block me.

Do not talk anything NSFW with me either. It will be an immediate block and report because while I am sixteen, I am still a minor. And I do not engage with any NSFW activity.

Roleplay

I do roleplay! I do self inserts and x reader roleplays. I don’t do shipping roleplay between the characters though. And I only do double up roleplay though. So keep that in mind.

Roleplay Rules

I tend to be picky about who/how I roleplay so here are some rules

Absolutely do not roleplay with me if you are below sixteen. Absolutely not. If you are below sixteen you are not elegible to roleplay with me. I don’t want to roleplay with 14 year olds. If I find out you are lying about your age it will be an immediate block and report. I do not feel comfortable with engaging with anyone younger than me. I’m warning you now.

Nothing NSFW, nor spicy things. No making out, no taking off any clothes, no touching private parts, nothing like that. I have bad experiences with that kind of stuff and it can be triggering for me and it just makes me uncomfortable.

I don’t just do romantic stuff but I do platonic stuff too! So don’t feel confined to just romance! I am perfectly okay with self inserting and OCs.

All characters MUST be aged up if you are doing romance.

If you have any other questions about boundaries feel free to ask!

Outro

So that’s basically all I’ve got! If you have any other questions, put them in the notes or you can DM me. Anyway, feel free to talk to me or submit headcanons!! I would love to interact with you guys!!

Skipper out. Hope you like my blog!!

🛑ANY AND ALL CHARACTERS UNLESS STATED OTHERWISE ARE AGED UP TO 16 OR OLDER!🛑

#south park #skipper speaks #intro post

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cebwrites · 2 years

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Hey there, how is it going ?

There's a man in my work place that makes me feel very uncomfortable and I'm not sure how to deal with it :(

I was wondering if I could suggest headcanons for how Corazon and Law would react/handle it if his partener was in the the same situation as me

I hope it's fine

oh my goodness anon, i’m so sorry that’s happening to you, if you ever want to chat or vent about this my dms are always open, dear! i’ve been in similar situations and the dread, the discomfort, anything else you’re feeling right now, is scary but also acknowledged <:’) i turned them into drabbles for the sake of flow and formatting, i hope that’s okay with you!! hopefully these can help distract you from the situation, if not provide some catharsis, sending all the love and good vibes to you ;;; 💕💓💞

(law’s part turned out a lot longer than expected so i decided to make a separate post for him that you can find HERE it’s also a lot darker though so i’d tread with caution;; )

Helping their s/o with someone uncomfortable (Corazon)

gn reader, hurt/comfort, a ton of fluff to make up for it cw: creepy aggressive behavior, mild depiction of a panic attack (if anyone wants me to tag anything else please dm me to lmk) word count: 0.8k

It’s a lovely day for a walk out on the town, you've been planning planning this date with your boyfriend for a while now and you were positivity ecstatic.

You only had to drop some things some things off at work and then you’d be off, doing tons of lovey-dovey (and clumsy) things with your beloved for the whole day!

Your schedules rarely lined up so perfectly, so the two of you were determined to make it worth it with a whole laundry list of fun, nauseatingly sweet activities to do, starting with a rendezvous picnic in the park followed by kite-flying before it got too sunny, then ice cream; you continue to go through the list in your head, humming a sweet little tune to yourself when all those rosi-y thoughts stop short when you see him.

A man standing outside the shop you work at, the same man that been accosting you at your workplace for almost a week.

Fear builds in your heart as you duck behind a stall to avoid being seen. You consider ringing up a co-worker on your Den Den Mushi to hand in the paperwork for you, but that thought dies as soon as you turn and he’s standing right next to you.

“__-chan! I haven’t seen you at work in a while, where have you been??”

He singsongs and you instinctively take a step back, customer service smile already in full swing, with a not-so-discreet uncomfortable undertone.

“Oh, I’ve just been busy, you know. Planning things, and whatnot.”

“..Planning?”

“With my boyfriend! Planning things, with my boyfriend. We’re actually supposed to be going out today, so I really should-..”

You trail off, hands tightly clutching the paper bag withholding work details you should’ve handed in ages ago if it weren’t for this creep. Your throat feels tight, as if your ribcage had shrunk three sizes, you stare at that man with an unreadable expression, like a deer caught in headlights.

You were surrounded by people on a well-known street and it was about to be midday, why exactly were you so scared. …Moreover, did he get closer?

Just as the man opens his mouth again and you feel like you want to cry, a fist extends from behind you and launches your unwanted pursuer across the paved canal, disrupting people’s otherwise quiet mornings but very will saving you.

“Sorry, my darling, did I keep you waiting long?”

His arms are around you in an instant and Rosinante lifts you with a little spin. Oh, Rosi. Your adorable, clumsy, endearing, ex-navy boyfriend Rosinante. There’s a distinct char in his scent - he must’ve had another ‘accident’ on the way. You love this man so much you simply must kiss him. So you do.

“Silly sweetheart, you were supposed to be waiting for me,” you laugh into his shoulder, trying to wipe the tears away before he can see.

Rosinante does, though, he always does. “I missed you, dear. I couldn’t wait any longer to see you.”

You huff a joyless laugh and gesture for him to set you down - the two of you were kind of making a scene, punching a guy into a wall and whatnot - pecking him on the cheek before he can stand upright again. He flushes pink, just like the hearts that adorn his charming little button-up. The resounding chime of your giggles only adds to this.

“Rosi?” you hum, hand held snugly in his as the both of you walked.

“Yes, dearest?”

“I think I’m a little tired to do everything on our list today. Do you think we can postpone?”

“Of course, mi más querido tesoro. We can plan another day out for us anytime the sun shines high or the moon glows brightly for us.”

You roll your eyes and just how cheesy your boyfriend can get; Rosi dips low to press a smooch to the back of your hand so you grab him by his hat strings for a surprise kiss before he can fully stand up again and the man spooks so badly he falls up a nearby staircase, disturbing a surly looking cat on the window sill with his clamor, and ends up with more than just a few boo-boos worth kissing.

‘They’d need antiseptic!’

You can hear a kid with his spotted North-Blue hat with a temper not unlike that cat in the back of your mind, a fond smile already spreading on your face as you pull your boyfriend out of the pile he’s made of himself, dusting the clumsy clown off.

“__, I love you so much. How is it that you put up with me?” Rosinante mentions as he gags a wad of cat fur out of his mouth, sitting on the steps, seemingly unaware of the flames he’d stoked in your heart and face, only grateful that he didn’t spontaneously catch fire this time.

By the time he looks back, you’ve already walked ahead, so he scrambles to his feet, “__! Wait for me!”

You turn to him, smiling, rivalling the afternoon sun’s very rays with it,

“You’ll have to be faster than that if you want to share that triple scoop sundae with me, Rosi~”

#cebwrites #one piece #one piece imagine #fluff #rosinante corazon #donquixote rosinante #op corazon #corazon one piece #donquixote corazon #rosi x reader #corazon x reader #corazon x you #rosinante x y/n #one piece rosinante #rosinante x reader

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bunfloras · 7 months

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okay i have to vent just because i feel like i have to get this off my chest. tws are tagged

today i was speaking to my internship supervisor about some stuff i went through in high school involving my theatre director. when i was finished talking with her, she looked at me and told me what i went through sounds like textbook grooming.

and like, i’ve never looked at it that way. i’ve heard all of these stories about how grooming doesn’t have to be sexual to be horrible, and i’ve encouraged victims to share their story and like. despite the fact that i literally had to speak to a lawyer about my experiences with him, i never let myself think about what happened long enough to actually connect the dots.

i spoke to my mom about it too, and we had just a really hard talk where she agreed that i was groomed, and let me talk about it and how deeply he had his claws in so many different students. and i don’t know how to process any of this at all.

he’s responsible for so many of my mental health struggles, especially early in my college years. because of him i never saw myself as good enough, i always sought approval and wilted at the slightest rejection. i never saw myself as talented in any way despite my successes. i still hear his voice mocking me to other students and remember my paranoia that he was talking behind my back, or that if i slipped up he’d leverage my spot on the team against me again.

and now i just. i have a label for what he did to me. and i don’t know what to do with it, or how to move forward with this. i’m thinking about all of this for the first time in like five years and it’s already made me physically ill once tonight. i just feel kind of stranded and have nobody to really talk about it with besides my family

anyway. vent over, i just really needed to write it all out

#tw: grooming #tw: emotional manipulation #tw: emotional abuse #vent #tw: emetophobia

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engagedtobefree · 24 days

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I’ve been struggling the past few weeks a bit with my mood. I feel kind of apathetic, I guess you could say. My usual optimism has been a struggle to tap into, but I think it’s finally coming around. To be fair to me, this new year has been a bit rough, and I don’t think I’ve actually had time to stop and process everything. I rang in the new year in bed, sick from a virus, then 3 weeks later just as I was starting to feel better, my friend Craig died. Then two days after his viewing, I was sick with covid for the first time ever. After I got over that, I developed a UTI, which luckily wasn’t as bad as it usually is. I tend to get them fairly easily because of my bladder disorder, but of course after I was getting back into the swing of things after covid, I fell asleep super early one night with a completely full bladder, and that was that 🙃 Then a few weeks later my mom and I had to put her dog to sleep. And really, the rest of it has been me trying to catch up while also focusing on trying to improve my mental health, which is a plate full all on its own.

Oh, and Idk if I mentioned I’m writing a poem a day this year. Me, who is not consistent with anything, struggles with routines, and has never kept a streak of anything beyond maybe 2 or 3 weeks, has written 100 fucking poems this year!! Today will be day 101 once I write it. I’m actually so glad I started this, because I have needed it to process so many things and also it’s been one of the few saving graces of this year so far. It was a last-minute decision too. I didn't really plan for it, write it down as a goal, or think too much about it; I asked for a notebook for Christmas and my mom ended up getting me 3, one of which has 366 pages, which is perfect since it’s a leap year. That meant I could use a page a day. I wanted to increase my vocabulary, relearn and learn anew about poetry itself, get creative every day, and also write more often so I have the chance to not stay stuck writing about one thing for months and months and months. I take forever to finish a poem because 1. I write inconsistently and 2. I overanalyze every single word because I want it to reflect as accurately as possible what I’m writing about and I also want it to be “good”. My poems have always been deeply personal, so the truth of how I speak through them has always been very important to me. Since I’ve started doing this though, I noticed that I can still do that without spending forever on something, and that the more I write, the more inspiration blesses me. I still have my separate book for my other stuff, but I’ve almost exclusively been focusing on my daily poems since this year started, mostly because that’s all I have time for. No doubt once I get back to my other book, I will still take my time lol, which is fine, cuz now I still have my dailies. Also I realized that it’s okay that my “good” looks different every day, and not everything I write has to be a masterpiece. I’ve always been very self-critical, and this has helped me realize that expecting only “good” material is treating myself as a machine rather than a human being. If I don’t like what I write that day, at least I wrote something, and there will be another opportunity to write again tomorrow. I will probably still be really anal about editing stuff later, but right now, writing every day has been a lot of fun.

Okay, so now it's time to dive into my personal problems! Wooo! I’m going to start with the one issue I have been hoping for a very long time now would be irrelevant, and that’s Scott. I don’t even tag his name anymore in any personal posts I’ve vented about him in because I just want this to go away, but he has been incessantly trying to get my attention. Literally. Things ended between us a good year and a half ago, but he tried to come back last summer and I was very, very, VERY clear about not wanting to try again and just being friends. He would occasionally reach out to me but it was just niceties and nothing to really worry about, though it did annoy me when he would contact me. But ever since the new year began, he was pestering me almost weekly, asking if I wanted to hang out, commenting on literally every single Snapchat story I post, and asking how I’ve been and saying he misses me. I had legit excuses for the first month and half with getting sick 3 separate times and then my friend Craig dying, but since then it’s mostly been me going to bed before he messages me, ignoring his messages till the morning, him skipping a week in not contacting me, or me just saying I’m too tired for company, which wasn’t actually a lie tbh. I ignored the situation as long as I could before I finally succumbed to the reality that I couldn’t ignore it forever.

Not this past Friday but the one before was the day I finally decided to deal with it. He was messaging me much earlier in the day than usual, like literally I wasn’t even done work yet, but that also gave me time to feel out what I wanted to do. He asked if he could come over and I told him yes, but then added something pretty close to “I don’t know what your expectations are, but I want you to know that everything I said last summer still stands. I haven’t changed my mind about anything. I am only interested in friendship and nothing more.” I didn’t want him here without me first saying anything to him because I knew he wasn’t going to say anything to me beforehand and I didn’t want to feel like I was caught in some sort of trap in my own home, aka my safe space. He opened my message then didn’t respond for maybe half an hour or so. When he did respond, he said he wanted to hook up with me but he respected if I didn’t want to. Then he said he did really want to be friends at least because he likes me as a person. I told him I know it’s not what he wanted to hear, but I didn’t want him coming here with some idea that something could happen, and that a friendship is really all I want. He responded back that he thought he should tell me before coming over. Okay, so I have a lot to say (vent) about all of that. First off, he wasn’t planning on telling me shit until I said something. He was going to come here and then ask if I wanted to hook up, putting me in an awkward situation when I previously established very clearly I only wanted a friendship and have not even once since then indicated that I have any interest in anything more. This leads me into the second thing which is that he wasn’t even considering what I wanted, just what he wanted. I am very intentional with showing interest. I do not flirt or lead people on. If I flirt, it means I am interested. I have not flirted with Scott since before we even ended things. I send a lot of emojis to anyone and everyone when I message, but I have not sent him any since we broke things off. I also only say someone’s name when messaging if they say mine first or if I am interested. There are some more exceptions to that rule, but if I am consistently saying your name when reaching out, I’m interested. I have not said Scott’s name in messages since before we broke things off. I know that it might not seem like much, but all of that paired with me literally saying I don’t want to try again and only want to be friends should be more than enough to indicate I’m not interested. Thirdly, of course you are going to respect my decision because you’re not going to force me to change my mind. (When he did come over that night, I had a knife and my Simplisafe alert button near me just in case. I don’t think I will ever need them with Scott but you never know.)

I wasn’t sure if he would actually still want to come over after I turned him down, but he was not deterred. Everything went smoothly and it wasn’t awkward, thankfully. He was, however, acting very differently than usual. He was friendly, engaging, talkative, and gave me a bunch of compliments. If he had done this switcheroo like 2 years ago, I might have fallen for it, might have second guessed the fact that I wasn’t being treated right and that I wasn’t happy and ignored that deep down I didn't actually want to be with him, but I’m way past that now. The way he was acting was how he always acted with everyone else except me, which in the past, hurt me a lot. When it came to me, he was often cold, distant, non-communicative, inconsiderate. So for me, him doing this now only really solidifies him in the friendship role. It’s weird in a way because I previously wanted him to act this way with me, like how he did with friends and acquaintances, because it was the nicer Scott, not realizing that if he treated me like other people, it would put me in the same role as them. But now, me actually fulfilling my wish from years ago puts me in the friend/acquaintance role by him being nicer to me. I got my wish, but it happened much later than past me wanted and in a way I hadn’t intended, and it does me more service now than it would have then. I mean, I know there’s the extra caveat of him hoping it will get him laid, but in reality, it pushes him even further away from that than he was to begin with, which was already pretty dang far. I guess in his mind, he thinks there’s a chance I could eventually want him again, or at least enough to sleep with him, but that chance is zero. If I decided I’m done with someone, that means I spent a long time thinking over the situation, how I’m being treated, how I feel about them, who they really are as a person, our relationship and dynamic, if it’s actually really love or something else, what a future with them would look like, etc etc etc. I don’t make decisions like this lightly; I look from every angle and leave no stone unturned, so when I decide I’m done, that means I’m done. For good. Forever. Scott does not know this, but as I’ve said, I haven’t given him a single reason to hope. He’s decided on his own that something could still possibly happen in the future. When he left, he told me to not be a stranger and that we should catch up again soon. I don’t plan on that, but I was happy with how things went, oddly enough. I didn’t really want to see him, but the fact that I did and that I was able to set a clear boundary made me happy, and I felt a sort of completion around the situation. No doubt he’s still going to contact me (he already has lol), but I don’t feel worried or annoyed by it anymore. I’m happy with my decision, restated my boundary with a lot more confidence than last time (not that I should have had to repeat it though), and I feel like I can look forward now without having to worry too much about this. I didn’t feel unsafe, though I figured I wouldn’t, but I wanted to take some extra precautions just in case since I do live alone.

It’s funny because a few years ago when Scott and I still worked together, I had reached a place of complete acceptance with the situation and was able to be completely content with what it was without needing any answers. It was actually during that time that I think we formed a pretty decent friendship, and that’s when I felt we did best. At the time, I thought that what I was feeling was only because of how I was able to find my peace with everything, but looking back now, I think it’s also because that was just where we thrived best together: in a friendship. I’m not going to actively work at being his friend now, especially because I know he still has hopes that I’ll change my mind (I won’t) and something will happen (it won’t), but at least right now, I don’t need to block him or cut him off, which means I don’t feel in danger or like I’m being harassed. However, I don’t like that he still treats me like I’m stupid. I know why he is suddenly making such an effort and doing a total 180 in how he’s treating me. I saw it immediately and haven’t fallen for it for a second, so the fact that he thinks I might actually fall for this is a bit insulting to my intelligence. I’m sure some of it is actually genuine, like him saying he’d like to be friends regardless, which is fine, but just don’t insult me in the process, dude. Also, if he continues to not respect my decision and tries to pressure me, I will block him and cut him off. He can be my friend, he just needs to accept that nothing more will come of it.

Anyway, I feel like I was able to work through that finally. I’ve also been working on some of the past trauma from him, though I had to put a lot of that on hold because of everything that went on this year. I know I can’t move forward until it no longer has such a strong effect on me. I think how I handled the situation now says a lot. When he tried to come back last year, I was anxious, emotional, and very uncomfortable with having to handle the situation and tell Scott I didn’t want to try again. I was still processing a lot of past trauma and while I was positive about not wanting to be with him, I was afraid of hurting him. This time was so different!! I 100% put myself first, and I didn’t feel an ounce of guilt for stating what I wanted and not compromising where I shouldn’t. Growing up in an abusive household where there was a lack of boundaries and respect instilled a false belief in me that caring about how I’m treated is wrong and that attempting to do so is insulting and harmful to the other person. I do still have to deal with this from time to time, but I handle it much better now, and I hope I only continue to grow in that regard. I am 32 years old and still learning to untangle the web of lies that abuse taught me, but here I am, fucking doing it and making so much progress with it. I’m so proud of myself.

So now I’m going to unsmoothly segway into talking about Chris now. This poor guy lol. Anytime I write a personal post on here he ends up in it, and he doesn’t even talk to me. Sorry, Chris, but you’re still on my mind. Some of this is also actually relevant to what I was just talking about though so I’m going to start with that. So back in November when I had my last appointment with him, I struggled a lot. I felt I did some things fairly well, but when it came to flirting and asking if he was single, I failed. If I had to choose a physical representation of it, it would be someone falling flat on their face, trying to get up, then falling again and conceding to lay there till it was over. Chris has no way of knowing why I couldn’t. I mean, if he happened to guess, I’d be very impressed. Back when I worked with Scott, it was difficult. I was unknowingly flirting with a married man for months, who flirted back with me, and then after I found out he was married I was mortified. We ended up on friendly terms and then I developed feelings for him. We stayed friendly and I would talk to him all the time at work. He would start flirting with me again and then I’d naively think maybe something was going on, maybe he separated from his wife or was going through a divorce, so I’d flirt back. Then after several weeks of that, nothing would happen, he’d never bring anything up, so I’d ask him what was going on and he’d tell me nothing, he was married, it is what it is, this can never go anywhere. Then I’d get upset and mad that I fell for it, stop talking to him for a while, and then the cycle would repeat. There was one period where I accepted I wasn’t going to get answers (I mentioned it above) and so we were just friends and nothing more, and that was really the only good, healthy period we had. That was like the second half of 2019 up until he left in October 2020, of course with most of 2020 being working from home. Other than that, it was mostly turmoil, and mostly for me. I was 26 when everything started, and Scott was 44. I kept placing my trust in an older man to do the right thing and to not come into work and flirt with me unless he was available, but I was really naive. I talked to him because I wanted to, not because I expected anything to happen, which I didn’t want anyway unless his marriage broke off, but when he would flirt with me again, it would give me false hope that something could actually happen. I always felt such extreme guilt every time too, knowing that once more I was pursuing a married man who was leading me on while his wife had no idea about any of it. I still carry guilt from my actions during that time, because had I known from the beginning that he was married, I would’ve never looked again in his direction. I was so ashamed of myself for so long because I had a choice to say, “No, this cannot continue, I cannot trust this man unless he gives me an explicit reason that I can”, but instead, I chose to keep trusting. I chose to keep flirting. I have worked through some of that shame and guilt, but not all of it. I recognize that I did try over and over again to not interact with him and to avoid him, but his office door was literally 5 feet from my cubicle, which made it hard. To be clear, I never would have had an affair or taken it outside the office at all. He did bring that up fairly early on during a period when I wasn’t pissed off about things, and I told him I did not want to have an affair with him and he agreed. Now that I think about it, I wonder if his answer was dependent on mine though. This scenario kind of happened again after we reconnected back in May/June of 2021. Since he and his wife had separated recently, he made it clear he didn’t want to enter anything new, no dating or romantic partnership until later down the line, but he wasn’t sure about sexual, so he left that up to me to think about. When I told him no, he agreed, but I was never sure if his response would’ve been different if I had said yes.

Anyway, continuing…I felt very stuck, and it was something I brought up all the time in therapy. I didn’t know how to get unstuck. I was only a temp at my job at the time, and I didn’t have health insurance or any time off. NJ didn’t enact the statewide mandate that all employees must be given at least 2 sick days a year until the same month I was finally hired permanently, so if I took any time off, I didn’t get paid for it. (I just looked it up to confirm the date it was enacted to make sure I had it right, and apparently it’s 40 hours now that are mandatory, which is cool they improved the policy!!) I worked a second job and still lived paycheck-to-paycheck. I couldn’t afford to spend more than $20-$30 a week on groceries, which included toiletries and cleaning supplies. I had to stop paying my electric bill because I couldn’t afford it and I needed the shut-off notice to get assistance to help pay for the bill, which thankfully covered several months and also covered my past-due amounts. My apartment was old and shitty, but it was the only place that was affordable for me at the time. My first year there was $715 a month then the 2nd year was $740. It was definitely a health hazard though: the carpets were musty despite several cleanings; there was water damage in the wall and on the ceiling; the water damage on the ceiling was above my bed, which I couldn’t move anywhere else, and kept forming mold that my complex just kept painting over; the front door wasn’t fit right so there were huge gaps between the door and the frame; the water heater would switch to cold after only 5 or 10 minutes in the shower; and the heating system was so old that in the winter it cost me $200+ just to heat my tiny little 400 square foot studio apartment (it was all electric). I couldn’t interview for other jobs because that meant I wouldn’t get paid if I took time off and then that meant I’d have to stress even more over what bill wouldn’t get paid or if I’d have to eat even less than my 2 meals a day. I had to make sure my cat and guinea pig were fed before I fed myself. At my other job, I worked Sunday brunches, which were the most stressful and busiest shifts, so no other hostess wanted to partner with working on them let alone working it by themselves, which often led to me working the whole shift by myself, and I took up other shifts if I had the time or energy to. My mental health was not great and was only made worse by my life circumstances, and I had to go on a second anxiety medication for a while to stop my anxiety attacks.

I wanted to be out of the situation with Scott, even if that meant leaving to go work someplace else, but I was already doing everything I could and I still couldn’t find a way out without jeopardizing my well-being even further. Moving back in with my mom, which was something I eventually did and regretted, was not an option for me because I worked really hard to get out of the abusive household I grew up in. I say all of this not as an excuse but for context. And for forgiveness. I look back at my younger self and she was dealing with so much stress. My basic needs were not even being fully met, but I continued to show up and to handle things in the best ways I could, and sometimes the decisions I made weren’t actually good ones at all. Still though, I kept believing in people, I kept hoping for the best and trusting, and I was actually really grateful for my life at the time, probably even more so than I am now. I didn’t have much, but I had my own place, my own life, freedom, and that was always something I held onto, even during the worst of things. I tried desperately to find a way to let go of my feelings for Scott, but I couldn’t help how I felt because I kept choosing to see the best while ignoring the rest. It took me a very long time to realize Scott was not the one for me and that he wasn’t the type of person I wanted as my romantic partner. I didn’t accept him fully, flaws and all, and we were not compatible in the ways we needed to be. I wouldn’t have been happy if we did get together, but unfortunately I didn’t see all of that until after he left my work, separated from his wife, and reached out to me on Instagram to connect again and start what would eventually become a “situationship” between us. Still, I’m glad I saw it sooner rather than later and before it devolved into an actual romantic relationship.

So when I could feel myself hesitation the first time and then shaking the second time when I went to ask Chris if he was single, it was from that past period of my life. I saw it all flash in my mind immediately: all the times I confronted Scott and the answers I got back, and all of the sureness and trust I felt about Chris was immediately squashed by those images. I wrote about a bunch of parallels in my post after my appointment with him, but I wanted to dive a bit deeper into that here in a broader sense. Man at his work flirting with me. Check. Man makes it known he’s interested, then doesn’t take it anywhere. Check. Man offers no explanation whatsoever for that. Check. Man does not willingly mention his relationship status. Check. Man is cautious about what information he gives about himself and words things so that while he can respond, he never actually reveals anything about himself or his life. Check. In someone else’s mind, those might just be indicators of someone who is reserved, guarded, private, whatever. In my mind, those checks are potential red flags. Those checked boxes come with the thoughts, “Oh no, am I going to flirt with an unavailable man again? Am I going to get caught in a similar situation that causes me a lot of duress and emotional pain? Am I going to unwillingly be complicit in some man’s selfish attempts at getting attention from me?” Chris doesn’t know any of that. I felt disappointed in myself after my appointment, and I felt like I had probably disappointed him too, though I don’t know for sure. If I had the chance to tell him why, I would, even if I had to sum it up briefly. I mean, I guess I could just say how I was in a situation with someone before where they weren’t trustworthy and it affected me more than I realized. Turns out traumatic things actually traumatize you. Who knew? 🙃 That’s assuming it’s even necessary for me to explain, since I have no idea at this point if Chris is still interested. He hasn’t brought up the date, and I have tried to initiate meeting up twice with no luck. I’m willing to be patient and wait, but I don’t know exactly what it is I’m waiting for. Is there really a possibility this can go somewhere, or am I being duped again? I didn’t reach out for 2 ½ months, but then last weekend I texted him, and it took several days for us to send only a few messages. He only responded once or twice a day, and then he did that thing again where he told me to have a wonderful day at the end of his message, then when I responded back with a bit more, he never responded back. I still don’t know how to take that. He did say he’s been getting sick like every other week, which is weird cuz that’s exactly what happened to me in the beginning of the year, so I can understand he may not be up for talking to anyone or even checking his phone at all, but I don’t know if that’s what it was or not. I don’t mind slow responses, but it would help to know what was going on and where I stand. Otherwise, it confuses me and I don’t know what to make of it.

I also don’t know if I’m being too impatient? He gave me his number last May and didn’t mention going on a date until December. Obviously, with how this year has gone just for me alone, not including him being sick and whatever else he has going on, nothing could have really happened since he mentioned the date. Maybe I’m being too hopeful? I don’t know 😕 I also don’t know if I have worked through what I needed to regarding Scott, because I have nothing to trigger it. That time of my life when we worked together was triggered only when an outside catalyst brought it up, one that placed me back in a moment that was similar and reminded me of it. The only way I’ll really know for sure that I’ve overcome all of this and am ready to step forward without the past holding me back is when I’m with Chris. There’s no one else I’m interested in, I’m rarely ever into anyone anyway, I don’t like random dating, and I have no interest in hooking up with random people, so there is literally not a single other person who can do this. I can’t know on my own; I can only do the work and hope that I’ve made progress with it and healed from it. At this point, I guess I’ll find out soon enough if I can pursue Chris without old baggage weighing me down since my appointment is coming up. I know I will still probably have some trepidations and fears that pop up, but as long as the most traumatic things are taken care of, I can push through all the other stuff.

I had my yearly appointment with the oral surgeon scheduled for the 15th of this month to make sure the dense spot in my jaw bone hasn’t grown, but he won’t be in that day so it got pushed back to the 29th. My next cleaning with Chris is scheduled for 2 ½ weeks later on May 16th. I feel nervous even thinking about it. At my last appointment I wasn’t sure what to expect since over the course of 6 months he only reached out to me 2 or 3 times, and after a while I gave up on reaching out to him because I was confused. I was determined to see him during this current time frame before my next appointment, but it looks like that isn’t going to happen. I feel like I’m going to really put myself out there and take some risks when my appointment does come around. Nothing is moving along, which I know we’re both contributing to, so I want to at least feel good knowing that I did my part, and I don’t feel that way yet. So far, I’ve relied on past trauma and doubt to take the lead more than I’ve allowed the present and trust to do so, and I want to flip that now. I have been trying not to think about everything with Chris that has been shouting “GREEN FLAG!!” at me because a lot of it isn’t logical but rather intuitive and spiritual, but I think that those places are where the answer actually lies. Overthinking gets me nowhere, so I have to stop letting it be an option. I can still be cautious, but not to a degree where it is detrimental to anything happening at all.

Aside from past trauma interfering there’s definitely been a few other things that have contributed to my lack of pursuit here. In general, I never know how people perceive me. I have always felt like I come off as unlikable, so even when people tell me good things about myself, I struggle to hold onto those things and believe in them. I’ve been trying to shift that because I know that is a belief I hold and not necessarily one that is true. I’m sure there have been people who genuinely have not liked me as a person, but with 8 billion people in the world, odds are at least some of them do or will like me. I mean, I do have friends and the one and only yoga class I teach at the moment continues to get a lot of students, so that all has to say something. I think a big part of that belief I hold also stems from childhood trauma, but I can’t remember when it started. For as long as I can remember, it feels like I’ve always felt that way about myself. So when Chris literally doesn’t talk to me, takes a whole day to respond when I reach out, and then hasn’t actually planned the date that he brought up months ago, I just assume the worst. Logically, I know there could be a whole host of other reasons that might not have anything to do with me, or maybe even something else that does, but it’s hard for me to shake off how I’ve thought about myself for pretty much my entire life. So in my mind, a quick assumption that pops up is that I’m bothering Chris when he wants nothing to do with me. I don’t want to place any assumptions or expectations on him, but untangling those is difficult and is taking longer than I would like them to. This is something that I actually personally started working on years ago, and while it might not be apparent, I’ve made a TON of progress with it. I used to be a lot worse with it, but I still have some ways to go. I know that it’s my responsibility to find peace within myself no matter what external circumstances look like. Anway, back to the other stuff. There’s also been the other things that have been taking forever, like feeling at peace with the Scott situation, which I feel like has finally freaking happened, and then personal accountability I have with other things, like my ADD, which I’m still working on finding the right medication for. I have to remind myself though that it’s okay to be a work-in-progress. I tend to be in this “Everything needs to be perfect before anything can happen” mindset (with everything, not just romance), but in reality, things will never be perfect. If anything is ever 100% perfect and nothing is going wrong, it won’t last forever. Even the bad stuff doesn’t. The person meant for me won’t care and will want to handle all our messes together. But first I have to show up and be willing to tackle all those things on my own to the best of my abilities. I think I have been doing that, but I need to expand it a bit more to everything, and not just the more immediate things. My mental health struggles don’t make it any easier, but that only means I have to be more gentle and understanding with myself while continuing to work towards finding solutions, that’s all.

I’ve also struggled with that aspect of forgiving myself for past mistakes, not just the ones I made regarding Scott but with other things as well. I wonder why I deserve the relationship and connection I desire, what makes me so great and special as to receive it, and whether I’m even worthy of someone looking at me and knowing that I’m it for them. I wrote about this in my daily poem the other night. It was about a bunch of stuff but Chris was included in it. I’m not going to post the actual wording of what I wrote because I’m not ready to share that poem yet, even though that particular section is my favorite within the whole piece, but essentially what I said was how being with Chris would be like accepting forgiveness for myself. I want that, I just haven’t fully gotten there yet, and I’m not sure whether it needs to be mostly complete before anything can happen or if it’s okay that it remains a bit of a work-in-progress if and after things do get rolling. I’m hoping for the latter. I know it might sound kind of crazy that I fear forgiveness, but that is really what it is at its core: fear. I am tired of fear. I know that it’s a survival mechanism that kicks in and so I will never be able to be completely rid of certain ones, but I can at least shift my relationship with it. Taking a page out of Elizabeth Gilbert’s Big Magic here in saying that fear will always be in the car, but I do not need to let it steer the wheel or even sit in the passenger seat. It can stay in the backseat where it holds no control. I’m afraid of making the wrong choices again with someone and of getting myself in a similar situation as before, but that fear isn’t going to get me closer to anyone; it’s only going to keep me alone and afraid. I asked myself what is the worst that could happen if I do end up in the same situation, and the outcome was honestly not that bad. At the worst, I’d block Chris, find a new dentist office, and work on healing again. I could be grateful that it isn’t exactly the same as before, that I have more agency and options now and am not stuck like how I was in my situation with Scott, and that me being deceived would only say something bad about Chris and not me. Of course I'll be really disappointed, and I might also struggle with trusting myself and relying on my gut to tell me if someone is trustworthy, but I can work through all of that with time. When I take a look at all of that, it’s really not that bad. Yes, it would suck, but I’d get through it. Even as I write this though, I don’t think any of that will come to fruition. When I question and second-guess everything, asking the “what ifs” and doing the whole comparison thing, that fear builds in my chest and I think about how I can’t do this, I must be crazy to think that I can trust that trusting feeling that I feel with Chris. But when I close my eyes and take a moment to think clearly about Chris, letting myself remember his energy - the curiosity, comfort, warmth, gentleness, brightness, and pureness of it - that is when I know. That is when the truth of who he is makes itself known. I will never find the truth of him by looking at someone else’s actions, words, and energy. I will never find Chris by looking back at my relationship with someone else. I can only find Chris in Chris. I can only find any truth about what is going on by looking at my experiences with him and him alone. That is a very difficult and enormous shift I have been trying to make, but despite the doubts that creep into my mind, I believe that I can do it and that it is possible. Yes, I have to keep in mind that I could be wrong about him, but right now I am not giving enough energy to the thought that I could be right.

When I had last year’s appointment with the oral surgeon, I was also kind of in the same space, but it was only about whether or not Chris was interested in me. I didn’t really have much to go off of except 3 things: he did a double-take when he saw me, he was asking me questions that I was sure he was not asking everyone else (or at least with the same intention), and I just had an overall feeling. Well, okay, there was a bunch of other stuff, but I meant things that are a bit more tangible, I guess you could say. I’ve never been wrong in my life about someone being interested in me, I always just know, but I was accepting of the possibility that I could be wrong this time. I had told both of my best friends about everything, and it was kind of similar to what was going on in my head: Stacy was really supportive, said he was definitely into me, and that I should go for it, while Amanda said I could be reading things wrong, that intuition can’t always be trusted, and that it wasn’t enough to go off of. It’s funny cuz Amanda and I tend to have more views in common than Stacy and I do, but I ended up taking the more positive route, the one that Stacy supported. Amanda also is not very optimistic on the romantic front whereas I am, so this is something that we differ a lot on. I also don’t believe that intuition ever lies. For me, there’s always been a very strong distinction between emotions, thoughts, and intuition, so while I was still open to being wrong, I decided to trust my intuition more than my mind. Then when I was at my appointment with the oral surgeon, as soon as I crossed paths with Chris and our eyes met, I knew instantly that he was going to give me his number, and at my next appointment, he did. I have not been wrong about anything so far, and I’ve been trying to trust myself more, open my intuitive capabilities even wider, and I can’t do that if I’m always in my head about things. This one poem by Erin Hanson popped into my head and it feels relevant here: “There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?” I keep asking myself over and over, “What if I’m wrong?” but then there’s also a voice that follows it and asks, “But what if I’m right?” I won’t know unless I take a chance. I have always taken chances on the wrong people, and I don’t want that to deter me from trying again, because then I could miss out on the right person. I have to try. If I’m wrong, then I’ll deal with that when the time comes, and at least I can say that I tried and took a chance. If I’m right, then my life could possibly be changed forever.

I have tried so hard not to have hopes, because hope always brought me disappointment, but before, I only thought I knew, when in reality I was ignoring the actual knowing voice. This is different. I don't think I know, I do know. I've always known, and I've tried not to know. It's the opposite of how it's always been. If I trust this, it could potentially have a different outcome than all those other times too. I’ve been questioning and second-guessing and doubting, when deep down inside I’m being told to trust. I can’t predict the outcome of this situation, but I know I can trust whatever this is, and I need to lean into that without any more hesitation. I know. I know it’s safe to trust this. I read a lot of comics/manhwas in the Webtoon app, and right now I’ve been trying to read completed ones so I can focus more on current ones, and one I’m reading right now is called Aerial Magic. It’s about a young witch who can’t read spells, and she had trouble finding an apprenticeship that would take her. She applied to over 400 different places, and only 1 responded, which is the place she’s apprenticing at. While on the phone with her dad, she said she got lucky, and her dad responded that she was dismissing her hard work and that “It isn’t luck that you found the right person. It’s because you kept on reaching out and you refused to stop until you found someone who reached back.” How many people give up? How many people settle? How many people stop trying to grow and do better, or think there’s a limit to how much they’re able to improve, or believe it’s only the other person who needs to be improving and doing the work? I have never given up on myself and what I know I can have and is possible for me. Despite any doubts or perceived limitations, whether from myself or others, I’ve always pushed through. I may move slowly, but I never stop moving. All of my previous failed attempts at finding my person were stepping stones. I let those people and situations rip me apart, and then I put myself back together again, even when I didn’t want to do it. The thought that I have to has always driven me. I’ve never seen any other choice. When I looked at myself and adjusted to the newness of who I was with those pieces put back together, I realized that I somehow was more beautiful and more resilient. I grew, and while those growing pains hurt, they never stopped me. Growth is never easy, and more often than not the most growth comes from the hardest circumstances, but it’s necessary if we want to become our best selves. The growth we are looking for doesn’t come without the sacrifice of our own ease and comfort. We must go through it and heal it, and then we come out better for it.

Also, things I’ve felt and experienced with Chris have never happened before. There’s been a lot, and I wrote about some of them in past posts, although now that I’m thinking about it, some of it I might not have actually posted. I never made my one private post public, made a second private post I also never made public and then forgot about, and I started a Google docs draft writing about a ton of stuff last year that I never finished or posted, so some things I think I posted might not be on here. Oops lol I like to have all my stuff in one place, but whatever. I know certain things I definitely didn’t write about, but there’s less of those than ones I did write about. Anyway, my point is, I’m skipping that to write about something else I haven’t yet, or at least haven’t written about in great detail. It’s Chris’s energy, and how I can sense it. I’ve always been able to pick up on other people’s energies, like the essence of who they are, to a certain degree, but mostly I just feel emotions coming off of people, especially strong ones. I’m not sure if everyone is like that? I used to think so, until I was watching some astrology reel on Youtube not too long ago and of course a bunch of grown ass men who think they’re amazing for shitting on people’s interests that have nothing to do with them infiltrated the comment section. One of the comment threads was how people don’t give off “energy” and that there’s no such thing, from a scientific perspective, which didn’t sound right to me cuz I thought science literally explained how everything was energy, but sure go off, dude, whatever. That really confused me cuz I thought I was in my head a lot but maybe there are people so disconnected from themselves that they literally do not pick up on these types of things. Anyway, people I am closer with or was close with at one point have stronger energies to me. But ummm I’ve never felt anyone’s energy as strongly as I feel Chris’s. Especially considering I have only met him a handful of times, so it shouldn’t be that way. It was actually the first thing I noticed about him. I mean, he did have a mask on, but even then, I’ve been to plenty of doctors or other health places where they wear masks the whole time, and this has not happened with any of them. I remember the two times I was there before my first appointment with Chris, he was up at the front desk with his mask on, and both times he said we had similar last names. He didn’t look at me either time when he said it, just kind of tilted his head toward his right shoulder in my direction, and I didn’t think anything in particular about him; I only remember feeling curious, but even that wasn’t something I noticed consciously until later, so I quickly forgot about it each time. At my first appointment, I remember he did a double-take, and I didn’t look at him as a natural self-defense mechanism, but when I got back to the room with him, my defense was gone. That doesn’t happen. I always remember to keep it up, no matter what is going on around me. I didn’t even notice I had dropped it when I was with Chris. When I walked into the room behind him, he asked if I wanted him to hang my bag up for me, which I declined. That’s when my first impression of him hit: he was warm and bright. Not just because of his gesture, but his whole being. I felt the warmth and I saw this glow around him. I was thinking earlier about how I am virtually unphased by a lot of things that should probably phase me. This moment - well, my entire first appointment tbh - should have been one of those moments. Even at all my other appointments, there are things I have no logical explanation for and yet, I have remained nothing but calm and collected during all of it. Honestly, now that I’m thinking about it again, that is so insane haha.

I wasn’t going to write about this other thing, but since I probably already sound like I’m off my rocker, might as well just keep going a bit longer. Okay so, Chris’s eyes. I don’t know if he believes me cuz I’ve only ever commented on his eyes after he’s said something about mine, but asdfghjkl. I lose my absolute MIND over his eyes. This is going to be so freeing to write about. I can feel it. Okay so yeah, at my first appointment I only looked into his eyes once. It was when he was shocked I said I was 30 and I turned my head to look at him. His brown eyes were wide in disbelief. In that moment, I felt like 100 different things. I didn’t look long, but when I turned my head back, I had this strange sort of feeling. Well, first, I corrected myself by saying I was actually 31, and then I remember feeling some sort of weird intensity I had never felt before. I didn’t know what it was, so I felt embarrassed and didn’t look into his eyes again the rest of my time there. Later though, I figured it out. Chris’s eyes are so deep, yet still so bright. There is a depth there that seems to go on endlessly, like an entire other universe, and I wanted to know what was there. That was what I felt embarrassed about, but I couldn’t figure it out at that moment. I had no idea because I had never felt that before. I felt like I wanted to explore everything behind those eyes. I also felt seen and understood, which made no sense to me because there was nothing to see or understand. Maybe in general, like me as a person overall, but not in that particular moment. I still feel all of this when I look into his eyes, and after my last appointment with him, a few times when I was looking in the mirror, I had to do a double-take because I kept seeing his eyes before I saw my own. I know, I sound so psycho 😭 I wish I didn’t. I wish I had some sort of explanation, but I don’t. All I have is all this stuff that has happened and all the things I have felt, and this isn’t even the craziest of it. I still haven’t written about one thing that happened because it wouldn’t be fair to not tell Chris first, though that may never happen anyway. Maybe this is all nothing. Maybe this is…fake? Not real? A blip in the universe? Well - many blips in the universe? I can’t even take any guesses because what am I supposed to even guess at? He’s still just my dental hygienist and I’m still just his patient. There’s no relationship to comment on, little progress to point to, and barely any further interaction to make this stuff feel more tangible and less like I’m a little psychopath. There’s literally nothing to even guess at because these weird little things are all that exist from this. I can’t even talk to Chris about it because he doesn’t talk to me 😑😑😑 These intangible things are all I have. They’re all that’s really tethering me to trust because in the physical world, everything only points to confusion and doubt. This is all I have. I’m either being spiritually led in the direction of something really great, or I have some sort of serious brain injury that only makes itself known in Chris’s presence. I don’t think there’s anything in-between that would rationalize all of this stuff that I’ve seen and experienced.

That brings me around to what I’m going to do. First, I have to decide what I’m willing to live with: the pain of being used again or the pain of missing out. I already know which option I’m going to choose though, and I know what I’m going to do about it. Just like this time last year, I’m going to take the approach of seeing how Chris responds to me at my appointment with the oral surgeon. I assume we’ll cross paths like we have at all my other appointments. If it’s negative, sucks for me, and the result will probably be me crying when I get home because it does not take much to make me cry lol. If it’s positive, great, I plan to make some moves during my next appointment with him. I may have lost my chance at this point, but I’m hoping I haven’t. If I haven’t, awesome, I plan to treat my next appointment with him as a pivotal point in regards to whether things progress or not. So far, Chris has really put himself out there. He’s taken chances on me and I really haven’t responded positively back to him. I mean, I guess you could say the same for me taking chances on him in regards to trying to meet up and him not really responding great, but I’m not going to count that. I’m going to count in-person stuff only. I have roughly 5 weeks to: make sure I work through any lingering potential past romantic trauma that could interfere (this is also for myself too), come up with a coping plan in case something does come up, brush up on my flirting skills so I don’t freeze in the moment (tbh idk how I’m going to do this, maybe in the meantime just keep taking mental notes of all the stuff I like about Chris and hope it helps me seize an opportune moment to be flirty when the time comes), and continue to prioritize my mental health so I don’t get overwhelmed and overstimulated by all the excitement, which will also help with the flirting aspect. That….is a small list but actually a huge load of stuff to take care of in a month’s time. Anyway!! I’m still going to hope for the best. The other stuff doesn’t have to be 100% dealt with, but my #1 priority is making sure Chris feels good and that I make it apparent that “Yes I am into you and I’m sorry I’ve been struggling so much to show you that!!”. Well, I can leave out the apology bit, but yeah, the first part gets a thumbs up. Maybe that’s why Chris hasn’t initiated anything. Maybe he thinks I’m not that interested or only in it for self-gain, neither of which are true at all. I struggle a lot. I struggle with so many things and then I suck at articulating and explaining myself. In fact, when I do try to articulate or explain, I somehow always end up making things worse. It’s better for me to just wipe the slate clean, start fresh, and then hope that if he asks about something I can explain without embarrassing myself further. Maybe he wants me to ask about our date, but since he’s the one that brought it up in the first place, I feel kinda weird asking “So uhhh our date?” Maybe I’m overthinking all of this and it really is as simple as: if he’s not reaching out, then he’s not interested or is just fucking with me for whatever reason.

I’m tired, man. I’m tired of always being in a place of always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for the pain. Waiting to be treated poorly. Waiting for the betrayal. Waiting for the anger. Waiting to be told or shown how I’m not enough. I think to myself, Who will not make me flinch? This all goes way beyond Scott; a large part of my experiences with men, for a majority of my life, have not been positive. Some have even been dangerously negative. I think a part of me is always going to have some fear about being hurt until I’m with someone who doesn’t hurt me in big ways, and the little ones they work with me on and try to make up for. I will gladly give them the same in return. I’m never going to find that person unless I take a chance on them. I want to take the chance on someone who is worth it, and I feel that Chris is. I want my choices in life to reflect that I didn’t give up, that I kept believing in something higher and took the steps I needed in order to actualize that higher life for myself, even if I did so imperfectly with mistakes along the way.

I had a bunch of other stuff I was going to write about but I’ve already been coming back to this over the course of two weeks and it’s getting too long, so I’ll end here for now.

Umm Chris if somehow you’ve found my anonymous blog, which I’m hoping you haven’t, I apologize if any of this sounded weird or made you uncomfortable 😭 Feel free to never talk to me again if that’s the case. If not, see you in a few weeks 🥰

#here's the novel no one asked for #personal #chris #idk what else to tag #i feel bad only tagging chris aside from personal lol #my overthinking strikes again #even in the tags #whomp whomp

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onehyperfixationatatime · 2 years

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LET IT OUT HARRINGTON

Summary: Steve comes over to your place to complain about his love life, but doesn’t realize that he’s not the first one there. Can you, Eddie, Mike, and Dustin brighten his day?

Warnings: none, I think. But this is another first draft, so, there’s that.

“I’ve got it, give me oneee second,” you say, getting up from your seat to rummage through your box of cassette tapes. Steve had come over after his shift to vent about his girl troubles, but he didn't realize that Dustin, Mike, and Eddie had gotten there before him. They had just finished a d&d match and Eddie was excited to tell you every detail. You live in the same trailer park as Eddie. Your trailer is… basically yours. Your mom owns it but she’s rarely there with as much as she works, and usually, she just crashes with whatever man she left the bar with. Dustin and Mike just sort of tagged along.

When Steve got to your place, he could smell the weed from the second he got to your front door. He opens the front door to find you and Eddie sitting at a small table next to an open window, passing a bowl back and forth. Scanning the room, he also sees Dustin and Mike. “No, are you kidding? Are you smoking with them?” Steve hurries to shut the door and looks at you and Eddie with his hands on his hips and a concerned look on his face. “Dont worry Harrington, we wouldn't get them high, they’re too young for that,” Eddie says hypocritically. He has been smoking since he was thirteen. But he has a rule of not letting anyone under 18 smoke with him, or do deals with him. For ‘both moral and legal reasons. To be fair, you were more than ten feet away from the boys, and you had been blowing the smoke mostly out the window.

“Okay, I don't think music is going to fix my love life,” Steve complains, throwing his head back and covering his face with his hands. “No, but it might help you loosen up. Get whatever you’re feeling out,” you tell him, finding the perfect one. “I don't need to loosen up!” everyone laughs at this comment. “Eh,” Dustin remarks. “You’ve got a bit of a stick up your ass man,” says Eddie, earning laughs from Dustin and Mike. “Okay, whatever, what have you got?” Steve asks, curious now.

“The breakdown in this song is incredible. We are going to listen to it and you are going to let out all of your repressed emotions.”

________________________________________________

“Fuck yeah!” Eddie yells, jumping up and playing an air guitar as the song fills everyone’s ears. Mike and Dustin look up at him admirably. Steve just sits there awkwardly. “Feel the music! Let it OUT HARRINGTONNN!!” Eddie screams, headbanging as the breakdown draws near. Even Dustin and mike start yelling. “YEAH” Mike yells, mirroring Eddie’s headbanging. Dustin hits his knees and sings along, you hadn't realized he knew this song. That kid is full of surprises… “Just scream!” you tell steve. Steve looks at everyone like you're all crazy for a moment but then realizes he may as well. Maybe it will help? This seems as good a time as any. Steve lets out a loud yell. “SHIT!” he screams. You turn the music up as loud as it will go. Who cares if you get complaints.

Eddie starts to scream as he jumps around the room now, Steve joining in with his screaming. The breakdown hits and all the boys are standing now, all of you jumping around the living room. The music is so loud that you can barely hear each other, but you could make out a mix of yells, cuss words, and even some profanities you hadn't expected from Mike and Dustin. Steve is now yelling about all of his troubles. Even beyond just the complaints about girls. Everything. Like, yelling with his whole chest. Eddie looks like he might break his neck with how fast he's swinging his head. You probably all look like crazy people, but it doesnt matter. All that matters is that this is a safe place, for all of you, to just let everything out.

As the song finally comes to an end, Steve drops to his knees, sweating slightly, and tears pricking at his eyes, but a look of relief on his face. “How ya feeling Harrington?” you ask him with a smile.

“Better,” he says out of breath.

#steve harrington #Eddie Munson #mike wheeler #dustin henderson #stranger things volume 2 #stranger things imagines #stranger things drabbles #stranger things 4 #stranger things

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sfigatino · 1 year

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Rules: Pick any 10 of your fics, scroll somewhere to the midpoint, pick a line (or a few), and share it! Then tag people! (If you don't have 10, that's okee! Just post what you can! <3)

@leafweaverryn tagged me, so thank you!!!

Tagging @justmagicalgirl, @padmsanakin, @sallertiacallidus, @thelibraryloser, and @miraculouslymundane!

Why am I staring at his hand? Felix thought to himself as he pulled his eyes back to his phone. With his eyes on his phone, Felix found himself still thinking about the boy’s crooked smile, bright blue eyes, and blue hair. What the heck. What am I doing? What is wrong with me? Felix panicked as the boy started walking over, eyes locked on Felix. Oh, no. He saw me. Oh, shit. The boy smiled and set a napkin down next to Felix’s coffee.

This is from Napkindling a Relationship, a Feluka fic!

Felix froze in shock and Bridgette accidentally stepped out of the umbrella. “You... you love me?” He asked as she rushed back into the dry space. “Well... Yeah, I do.” She smiled up at him. “It wasn’t in a romantic way for a while, but I’ve loved you as family for what feels like forever.” Felix’s head was spinning and he couldn’t believe how lucky he was that Bridgette cared despite his entire life going to the trash recently.

This is from chapter 4 of You’re My World, my Feligette one-shot series!

“Fe.” Claude tugged at his shoulder. “Come on, just don’t think about it. I can make popcorn and we can just watch a movie or something, but please don’t mope around in this mess.” “Hypocrite.” Felix smirked, watching Claude grin. “Hey, no, that wasn’t moping, that was coping, there’s a difference.” Claude laughed.

Extremely self-indulgent Felaude one-shot: “Um… Yeah.”

“I know, Marinette, I know.” Luka hugged her trying to give her as much comfort as possible as they took the quickest route back to her house. “I promise you don’t have to do it alone.” “You’ll s-stay?” Marinette shivered, looking up at him with clouded blue eyes begging for anything that would make her feel better. “Of course I will. If you need me, I’ll be there for you.” Luka assured as they pushed the bakery door open. Sabine and Tom rushed to the door and hugged Marinette.

everything i wanted is my first Lukanette one-shot (I think?), though there is a heavy suicide trigger warning.

“Yet another thing you failed at.” Mime sneered. “Don’t think I don’t know, Claude. You stole my wife from me, you stole what little power you have from me. You stole from me.” He glared. “Anything you are is because of me.” Claude could barely stand by now, so stunned with everything. But he felt the anger burn up inside him, adrenaline finally kicking in. Kid Mime glared. “I didn’t steal your wife from you, she’s my fucking mother!” He snapped. “I didn’t steal anything from you, you created me! You didn’t get me to where I am, I’ve managed to get to where I am in spite of you.”

This is Nowhere Left to Go (But Up)! Trigger warning for parental abuse, but I used it to give Claude some depth and more life than ‘oh, he’s the happy outgoing one’. I really enjoyed this!

“Yeah, I’m fine.” Alix sighed. “I just... Is asexuality a bad thing? Am I a freak for being me? I mean, I know that it’s okay, cuz tons of tumblrinas and other online people are like that, but I don’t know if I’ve ever met another ace dude in real life, and Chloe told me that it’s weird and i can’t stop thinking about it.” “Oh, Alix...” Mrs Bustier sympathized. “Of course it’s not a bad thing. You are your own person and you deserve to define yourself however you’d like. No one, not even Chloe, can hold that against you.”

Asexual vent fic if I’m being honest, but I loved exploring Alix’s character and sexuality in Not My Thing!

“I just want everything to be perfect.” Alya huffed. “I mean, like, we’re moving in together, it’s a huge milestone, it’s the first house I don’t live with my parents, it’s this huge part of our lives... Of our character arcs!” “Dude, it’s not like we’re in some AO3 fanfiction and we actually have character arcs. This is real life, and you’re doing great. “Okay, fine, but say we were?” Alya pointed out. “This is like the climax of our lives, it’s a fluff shenanigan, it’s the hurt/comfort of moving out, it’s the—” “Real life.” Nino laughed. “It’s real life. And even if it was the epitome of my entire life, I’m insanely psyched that I get to spend it with you.”

*chants* DJWIFI DJWIFI DJWIFI I really loved writing I’m Already Home, it was so fun.

“I know what we can play! How about a little game of cat and mouse?” Chat suggested. “Just tell me where your akuma is, and we can begin the game!” “I have an idea too! What if you give me your ring instead?” The kangaroo challenged. “I hardly think I know you enough to propose!” Chat smirked. “Besides, my heart belongs to someone else.”

Movie Date, Interrupted: Ladynoir centric fluff fic with a goofy kangaroo akuma to go with @justmagicalgirl and @writerriderdirtythirties companion pieces! Bre wrote 2 sides of the love-square, Isis got one, and I did the Ladynoir one!

Claude raised an eyebrow. “Why don’t you want people to think you were at Bridgette’s place?” He asked, the instinctive older brother kicking in. “I was there to help her with late night homework, but since I don’t intend to go back home tonight, I needed someone to know that I didn’t stay the night at Bridgette’s house.” Felix said matter-of-factly. “And why is that such a big deal?” Allan asked. Felix blushed slightly and shook his head. “Because... Allegra is going to make a big deal out of it because she suspects I have romantic feelings for Ms Cheng.” Claude smiled smugly and Allan gave him a look. “Which is not true at all.” Felix rushed.

Just Fe, Claude, and Allan hanging out and deciding to Just Do Whatever.

“You okay, crescendo?” Luka asked from the bed. Felix stood at the window, watching the traffic go through the busy streets. “Fine.” Felix shrugged, closing the curtains. “Just stalling.” “Stalling? You’re still having bad dreams?” Luka asked, sitting up. “Yeah.” Felix admitted, pulling into his spot next to Luka. “Still about your dad?” Luka asked, already knowing the answer. “No, I’m having nightmares about cows running around and chasing me because of my cousin’s excessive milk consumption.” Felix chuckled, moving Luka’s arm so that he could comfortably lay on it, snuggling with Luka’s shoulder. “But yeah, I am.”

Felukafelukafelukafeluka *ahem* I meant to say that this is Mon Dieu, Je T’aime, my favorite Feluka fic I ever made!

Thank you for tagging me, this was cool!

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fire-emblem-drabbles · 2 years

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With Words that Play Funny (In my Heart)

Pairing: Yandere! Risotto x reader

Prompt: “No, sorry, you laughed. I … I've never seen it before. It’s — pretty.”

Description: You wake up with some of the worst cramps you can ever remember having in your adult life. You aren't in the mood to deal with them, or Risotto for that matter. However, your change your mind every so slightly when you realize something... What made Risotto go out of his way for you like that?

Rating: sfw

Content Warning: afab reader, mentions of blood and periods and the products people use for those, listen we been knew all along this was a vent piece for sydney, ask to tag but this particular chapter is pretty cute and sweet

Word Count: 3561

Notes: Taken from this prompt list! It’s been so long I’ve had this sitting in my drafts I legit don’t know what prompt list I got this from.

I wanted something a little softer for them this time around... As always, I don't know where I'm going with this and when I will update but I am constantly thinking about these two. Shaking them around like an unfortunate goldfish in a bag.

Also what if you were working on a different, completely unrelated yandere Risotto piece and you decided the best way to exercise your brain and work past whats stopping you in the first its not sfw bits is to start a completely new wip. like what would you do. It’s also been so long that I’ve had this wip the other Risotto fic got posted like. 2 months ago at least. That’s how it’s going guys!

Part: One | Two | Three | Four | Five

You didn’t really remember when you fell asleep last night. Frankly, at this moment it was hard to remember anything that had happened last night—you were face with some of the worse cramps you had gotten in your adult life.

“No, I don’t want this…” You groan as you slowly sit up, holding your stomach. You look around, vaguely remembering Risotto had returned last night. But you don’t see any sign of him, at least not in this room.

A bleary look at the digital clock shows it reads 11:43 am. You can’t help but rub your eyes and let out another noise of discomfort. “...Hey Glory,” You clear your throat a little after speaking. Your ever dutiful stand appears before the bed, looking down at your disheveled form. “I don’t suppose there’s anything you can do about cramps, is there?” You look to her as a yawn passes your lips.

“Unfortunately, there isn’t much I can do to dull the pain.” Like that, she dashes your hopes. “Your pain is caused by a necessary bodily function, and it would do you more harm if I stopped this process.”

“As much as that makes since, that sucks.” You let out a sigh, flopping back on the bed. As you do so, you hear the door to the room creep open.

“...You’re awake.” Risotto doesn’t seemed surprised that you’re talking to your stand.

“I don’t want to deal with you right now.” You huff and turn away from Risotto. As you do so, however, you groan again. “...Are you feeling okay though?” You can’t help but frown as you speak the words. You tell yourself you’re only worried because you want to know the lasting effects of Glories healing.

“You should only be feeling minor aches and pains in the area that we healed.” Glory supplies.

“I’m doing okay. Better than usual, even.” You huff at his words, and curl into yourself more in an attempt to relieve your cramps. Soon enough you would have to get up and do something about it, though. “You… don’t look well.” You can hear something akin to worry in his voice. The bed dips on the opposite side and you feel him reach over.

“Don’t touch me.” You say first. His hand stops by your head-- he was likely going to check your temperature. “I’m not sick. I just…” You look over your shoulder at him. Risotto is frowning softly, white hair framing red eyes that only show worry. “I just… started my period is all. My stand can’t do anything to help the pain…” You mutter your words until your quiet once more.

“I see…” Risotto backs up from you, but you can still feel his weight on the bed. “Can I help in any way?” You can feel the weight of his gaze on you. With another heavy heaved breath, you sit up and face him.

“You could leave me alone.” You don’t miss the way his face falls slightly. You feel an odd combination of smug and sad, but don’t dwell on it too hard. “…Actually. You don’t have like, tampons, do you?” You frown and find you can’t really meet his gaze. You weren’t really embarrassed about having your period, more so that it was awkward that you had to talk to Risotto about getting the stuff you needed.

“…I suppose I did forget some things.” You glance the corner of his lips rising in mirth.

“Well. I need to shower so like… can you go and get me some? And maybe like, some pads and midol too?” You barely meet his gaze. You feel a little humiliated, having to ask the man who kidnapped you for such basic necessities but you also had hope that Risotto would be civil about this. He had to be, right?

“As much as I would like to tease you… I’ll consider it payback for you healing me last night.” You can’t help but sigh in relief.

“Right. Thank you…” You bite your lip awkwardly. Should you even be thanking him for something you needed? “I’m uh… yeah.” You stood quickly from the bed, moving over to the dresser. You quickly pull out some clothing that was comfortable and made way to the bathroom.

You give Risotto one last look as you step into the bathroom. Once again, his face is unreadable. You can’t help but sigh as you close the door and lean against it. You wanted Risotto to trust you, of course, so you could find a way out… but at the same time it was so hard to put your guard down. It was hard to act any semblance of normal around him. Whether it was because of the situation you found yourself in, your own awkwardness, or simply how Risotto choose to act you knew not but you wished you didn’t to play these stupid social games.

You go to a small cabinet in the bathroom where Risotto keeps the towels. You don’t really feel like showering but that was the depression speaking, you supposed. You felt gross and perhaps the warm water would help with your thoughts and cramps.

Opening the cabinet, you can’t help but notice that above the shelf where the towels were… there were tampons. Unopened and sitting innocently with other toiletries. It made you pause a moment.

“Did he… leave because I asked him to?” You peak outside the bathroom door, finding the bed room empty. Walking over to the bedroom door, you can confirm that the apartment is empty as well.

“He really… left because I asked him to.” You frown as you make way to the bathroom, closing the door once more as you slowly go about getting ready for your shower. You weren’t sure how to feel. It was odd thinking he listened not because it was something you needed but… he wanted to make you happy.

“Whatever. It doesn’t matter.” You groan again as another painful pang shoots through you, and start up the shower to let it warm up. You set about getting undressed and stepping into the, by now, familiar shower. Warm water washed away some of the pain, and any of the dirty feeling you felt but not the strange feelings going through you.

You weren’t even that mean to Risotto, all things considered. So why would you feel bad…?

It didn’t matter, your strange sense of guilt could be ignored. When he returned, this would be your first time alone with Risotto is a somewhat normal situation. No stands to test, no wounds to heal, nothing to keep the two of apart. How would this go?

All too soon, you have to leave the welcoming warmth of the water and towel off. You get dressed and… decide you could humor Risotto. It wouldn’t hurt to make him feel useful, would it? Certainly not. It could only do good things for you, after all.

As you step into the bedroom you can hear though the walls the sounds of bag being placed on the table. Had you taken that long in the shower…? Regardless, you step out into the living area slowly, pushing wet hair from your face to properly watch as Risotto places two bags on the table.

“You’re back…” Your words are quiet as you make careful steps towards him. It’s hard to find what to say, or what to do. You spy what you had asked for in one of the bags-- tampons and pads of a familiar brand, medicine to help with the cramps. In the other you saw something that couldn’t help but make you smile. It was an energy drink, the very same kind you had once tried to throw at Risotto. There were some candies and chocolates in there to.

“Um, thanks for getting me these things…” You take the bag with the toiletries in one hand. Risotto looks to you with a small smile. There’s a strange look in his eyes that you don’t really know how to decipher.

“A lot has happened since you’ve come here…” He looks down a moment, then back to you. “Since you’re not feeling well… I wanted to let you relax today. Even if you want to do it without me.” Your face softens as he slowly pulls the treats from the bag and places them on the table.

“That’s… really thoughtful of you, actually.” You can’t help but smile again watching as he pulls the energy drink out. “I didn’t think I would be allowed another one of those after I tried throwing one at you.” You can’t help but laugh as you say the words aloud. After all that had happened between the two of you, the idea of throwing one at him again just seemed hilarious. You think he might actually let him if it would keep you happy. Your giggle doesn’t stop immediately as you think about it some more.

It takes a moment for you to compose yourself and when you do, you find that Risotto is staring at you strangely. “Sorry I just--” You cut yourself off with another giggle fit. “Knowing what I know now…” You shake your head, ready to leave the room to compose yourself and take care of business but Risotto speaks, stopping you.

“No, sorry. I just--” he shakes his head. “You laughed. I’ve never seen it before. It’s,” He takes a moment, watching the smile fall from your lips to surprise. “It was pretty.” You’re silent as you let his words wash over you. Rather than let embarrassment flare on your cheeks, you instead escape to the bathroom quick as you can, heat flaring on your cheeks.

Alone, you say aloud. “He thinks it’s pretty…?” Not that you hated your laugh but… no one had ever called it pretty before. The idea that he liked it, that the sound of you laughing made him happy made you want to giggle more.

“What am I saying?” You frown and pull yourself together. This was Risotto you were talking about—Risotto, who had kidnapped you from your apartment, who had hurt you in order to see what your stand was. You were laughing at the pure absurdity of seeing an object you had tried to use to protect yourself in such a mundane setting!

With a final sigh, you clear your mind of it, instead taking the moment to actually use the things you needed for your period. All the while, still thinking of Risotto. He wanted you to relax today… but how could you do that with him around?

You take your few minutes in the bathroom, washing your hands and looking yourself in the mirror. You wonder if you were even the same person he had taken the week before? You looked… more tired, then the weeks before. Even freshly showered, you seemed… less yourself. The stress of being here was getting to you. As much as you would love to relax, would you even be able to?

You take careful footsteps out of the bathroom, and back to the bedroom door. Beyond there, Risotto waited. You suspected, neither of you really knew how to act normal around one another.

No one normal would resort to kidnapping someone they were interested in, after all.

Not like you knew how to actually act around someone you were interested in either, though. Had you met under different circumstances, you might be awkward around Risotto for all the right reasons. But here, against your will… You were struggling to find the right things to do or say.

Still, with a heavy sigh, you push open the door to the rest of the apartment. Risotto is not in the immediate area, instead he sits in the living room, the quiet noise of some old show playing. He turns your way when he hears the click of the door closing. He doesn’t speak at first, instead watching as you walk to the snacks innocently sat on the table.

“I didn’t think you would want to come out here.” His words are loud against the quiet of the apartment. You can’t help but frown as you pick up a pack of sour gummy worms, holding them gingerly as you look to him.

“I actually…” You pick at the corner of the package, playing with it as you run over the words in your mind. “You already had the stuff I needed before you even left the house. Why did you leave when you knew that?” You look to Risotto who turned around on the couch in order to face you. His face remains unreadable.

“...You seemed upset, so I wanted to make you happy. Even if it means you don’t want to see me.” You frown at his words, sitting backwards in a chair to face him.

“But… you want me to fall in love with you, don’t you?” You question him. “How does… that achieve your goal?” You fiddle with the ends of your hair, meeting his gaze after a moment of letting your words sink in. “I don’t get it. I don’t really get you, actually.” You admit.

“You don’t have to understand.” He shakes his head. “I want you to be happy here. I know I took you against your will. I know you still hold that against me.” You look away as he says that. “I can’t let you go, but there’s little ways I can make it better.” You’re silent as you think over his words.

“...Why did you have to do it this way?” The hurt in your voice is undeniable. “Couldn’t you have gone about this normally?”

“Tesoro…” Risotto stands from his position, moving towards you. When he stands close, looking down at you, he speaks again. “I… don’t live a normal life. There was no way I could date you normally or…” He hangs his head low.

“You know what,” You sigh and shake your head. “It doesn’t matter now.” You look up at him. “I don’t… I don’t want to live sheltered like this. I don’t want to be afraid of you.” As you meet his gaze, you aren’t sure what your looking for. “If… I try to give you a chance, will you, in turn, give me more freedom?” You can’t believe the words you’re saying.

“You… want to give me a chance?” Risotto seems surprised to hear you saying this.

“You’re intelligent enough to know I want out. I doubt I could fool you into thinking you’ve won my affections.” You admit. “And if that’s the case… nothing is going change unless one or both of us concedes.” The two of you watch one another a moment. Risotto, who was normally hard to read, had a pensive look on his face. You night dare to say he even looked… scared. Of what, you weren’t sure.

You, on the other hand, were nothing but nervous. Would he concede? How bad did he want you affection? “What… kind of freedoms do you want?” He asks slowly, red eyes watching your form with a subtle frown.

“I want…” You paused a moment, unsure. You didn’t expect to get this far (or that the man that kidnapped you would at all be reasonable, but he continued to surprise you). “Um… well, for starters, can I call my mom?” I ask him. “And… maybe leave the apartment?”

“That’s all you want?” He furrows his brows.

“Well… not really. But I’m trying to be…” You pause. “Little steps, you could call it.” Risotto nods.

“Well…” Risotto stands up from his position, moving to where you sat in the chair. Sitting with him standing before you, you can really appreciate how tall he is. “What do you suppose I would get in return for this?” He looks down at you, barest hint of a grin dancing on pretty lips.

“I think you can think of something of equal value…” I huff, rolling my eyes and looking away from him. “I already let you share a bed with me, after all.” At that, he lets out a little laugh. It makes you pause because… You, hadn’t really heard him laugh much either. It didn’t seem like he did often…

“Hm… I suppose you’re right.” He leans on the table beside you. “You can call your mother. With my supervision.” You look up at him, surprise dancing on your features. “As for leaving the apartment…” He frowns softly. “It makes me uncomfortable… but I’ll think on I it more.” You grinned at him now.

“Well… Maybe we could go out on some sort of… um…” Your words die out as you realize what you were about to say. “We could go out on a date…?” You look to the tiled floor as you speak, color dusting your cheeks. “It can be whatever you want. I promise I won’t um. Do anything suspicious.” You laugh a little awkwardly at that, glancing up to meet his gaze.

If the idea interested Risotto, he doesn't let it show on his face, gaze trained on you and your reaction instead. “...We’ll see.” His words were soft. “It’s a lot to consider. But I won’t deny you a call to you mother… family is important.” There’s something faraway in his voice, in the look in his eyes.

“Thank you.” You don’t hesitate to speak the words, only for the irony of it to hit you. Still, you don’t regret them; not when a small smile makes way to Risotto’s lips. “Did you keep my phone?” You ask suddenly.

“I did, actually.” You light up at that. “You’ll…” He sighs. “It’s been off since… the night I took you.” Risotto doesn’t mince his words. “I understand if you don’t want to see the messages from your friends. If you’ll allow me, I’ll navigate to your mothers number and call her so you don’t have to see all that.”

“Oh…” You frown softly. You hadn’t even considered that. All the texts, discord messages and snapchats people must have been trying to send you... It sends a wave of sadness through you that you can’t hide, the sight causing Risotto to frown. “That might um, be for the best.” You wanted your friends and roommates to know you were alright too… but perhaps it was for the better they thought you up and just left them… You’d rather not think about it, actually.

“If that’s what you think” Risotto nods. “Would you like to call her now?” He asks.

“Um…” You sigh, shaking her head. “Let’s do it tomorrow. I’ve had enough emotionally charged conversations for one day.” You admit, resting your head on your folded arms.

“Of course.” You don’t notice as Risotto reaches for you, only to flinch as you feel his hand rest on your head.

“S-sorry!” You cry as he quickly retracts. “I’m just um, you know…” You say lamely, but it doesn’t clear the hurt from his face.

“I understand. I just…” He pauses as you grab his same hand with both your own.

“Listen… you can touch me. You just have to ask.” You blush as you bring his palm to your cheek, and hold it there until you can tell he does so of his own volition. “I said I would give a little to get a little so… I’ll try and um…” You pause as you try to think of the word, the boldness of your action and the warmth of his touch turning your thoughts into pleasant mush.

“Indulge me?” Risotto supplies, moving to be down on his knees so he was face to face with you.

“Yeah. Indulge.” Your struck by the softness of his gaze, the gentleness of his touch as he cradles your cheek.

“_____…” Your name is the sweetest sound coming from his lips.

“Hmm?” You close your eyes a moment. Maybe you could indulge in this moment too. Ignore the blush rising to your cheeks, the frog forming in your throat.

“I think I know what I want in exchange for that phone call.”

“Oh yeah?” You open you eyes. His look hasn’t changed one bit. If anything, he looks like he loves you more then the moment before.

You don’t doubt that, actually.

“Would one kiss be alight?” He asks it so simply, so sweetly. You could almost forget just who it was that wanted to press their lips against yours.

“...A kiss?” You repeat, closing your eyes.

You think about your mom. How a hug from her could probably fix a lot of things wrong with you right now. How her voice would comfort you in this strange new world you found yourself in.

“I suppose I should have expected that.” You don’t have to open your eyes to see the barest hint of a grin meet his lips. “Yes, I suppose that’s equal then.” You open your eyes to see him; large form on his knees before you. Gentle, calloused hands gently tilting your head opposite of his own.

This is it, this is really it. You close your eyes. Allow him to place a hand on your waist, and find yourself resting your unsure ones around his neck. You were going to kiss Risotto.

The man who loved you.

The man who kidnapped you.

...How long had it been since you kissed someone, anyways?

#yandere risotto #yandere #yandere x reader #yandere risotto x reader #risotto x reader #risotto nero #risotto nero x reader #yandere risotto nero #god tagging shit is like how many times can I say the same thing differently #jjba part 5 #JoJo's Bizzare Adventure

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